#knows the words of SALT-N-PEPA’s let’s talk about sex

[rb19]

#max verstappen #f1 #gif #there’s this erroneous idea that max is just into edm/pop music or doesn’t like music at all #but i am here to tell you that the man LOVES his CLASSICS #billy jean and thriller was listed as some of his favorite tunes back in 2016 #knows the words of SALT-N-PEPA’s let’s talk about sex #caught singing LIONEL RICHIE’s say you say me #PRINCE’s purple rain #NEIL DIAMOND's sweet caroline #in between media duties #in one of his COD nights with lando he put ELTON JOHN’s i’m still standing to play #i'm dead serious

[temptaetions]

cinnamon sugar 🌙 k.sm (m)

a/n: the photo above is from seungmin's instagram. i don't own the media, but i sure was blessed to see it. anyway, i think this is my first post with like...actual smut in it. please forgive me, because it is so shitty, i'm so bad at writing it. anyway, uhm, enjoy! my anon ask is now on, if you'd like to send any requests in!

synopsis: her lips taste sweet, like cinnamon sugar...she's such a treat.

genre: best friends to lovers | idiots in love | x fem!reader | smut | fluff | angst

pairing(s): best friend!kim seungmin x virgin!reader

word count: 6k. lowercase intended.

rating: 18+. minors do not fucking interact.

warning(s): swearing, mutual pining, a lot of emotional turmoil from both parties, horribly written smut [between k.sm x reader: unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it!!!!), creampie, soft d/s themes, (slight) overuse of pet names (angel, sweetheart) oral (f. receiving), paragraphs of praise, so much kissing, some grinding, the lightest amount of nipple play. riding/missionary, crying during sex, multiple orgasms, reader begs a lot, they stare into each others eyes and hold hands while fucking oh my god]. this is slightly self indulgent but the guilt i feel after writing it, and so badly at that, is overwhelming.

what to listen to: gaze - sweetback | eat it - megan thee stallion | agora hills - doja cat | real love - mary j. blige | whatta man - salt-n-pepa & en vogue

message from: seungmin🧸🤎

[7:32pm] i’m coming to pick u up, i want a cinnabon.

message to: seungmin🧸🤎

[7:33pm] ur paying 🤑

"can i get aux?" you say as you slide into seungmin's car. the leather of the passenger seat was cool to the touch, a sign that nobody had sat in your self-assigned seat. "hello to you too, best friend. how was my day? oh, it was lovely! it's so nice to see you, too!" "oh, shut up, min. you don't give a shit if i ask those questions or not." you chuckle, snatching his aux cable out of the center console. "you know me so well, fuck. i hate small talk. just merge souls with me." you and seungmin had been best friends for over ten years. he knew you inside and out - from your scalp to the bottom of your feet (including the scar from his razor scooter slamming into your ankle at age sixteen.)

you shared a lot of interests, but none as intense as your love of music and cinnamon rolls. he was always at your dance recitals. your biggest fan, really. he cheered, but never showed you more praise than necessary.

"i need you to stay humble, it helps me tolerate you." he murmured into your hair after one recital last year. you just shook your head in amusement, holding it high as you let him march you to his car for dinner.

"oh, i updated our playlist! i have a few new things on here." you said excitedly as you scrolled through the playlists on your homepage. you shared this love language – you had dozens of collaborative playlists with user ksm922, and you giggled at the ugly photos of the two of you he often used for the covers.

"sure." he shrugs, using his pinky to turn the volume dial up. your eyes trail on his slender fingers as they return to the wheel, but you shake it off just as quickly. pressing play, you let the smooth r&b sounds fill the car.

"oh, this is nice. what is this?" seungmin nods his head along to it, and you glance at the screen. "gaze by sweetback. it played on my sade station, and the vibes are just so kim seungmin, yanno?" you close your eyes and fake being a disc-jockey, his hand coming to pinch your arm lightly, a chuckle playing on his lips. "stop that, you'd be a horrible deejay."

"are you sure this isn't about sex? geez, bub, act like you get some." he teases, and you swat his arm. "i do get some!" "oh yeah? from who?" his eyes are trained on the road as he bullies you about your sex life (or lack thereof), allowing you a moment to stare at his ringed fingers. oh, the way they gripped the wheel, they could so easily grip your neck–

shut up, y/n.

"your mom." you huff, crossing your arms with a pout. you hated this conversation, and you often avoided it with him. yes, seungmin was your best friend, but you never wanted to talk about your sex life with him. he had experiences…and you heard from so many people how good it was.

with him, to be specific.

"what are we, thirteen? you wish my mother would breathe in your direction, you fucking virgin." he scoffs, and you force a snicker out. you glance at your phone, a smirk threatening to escape as it started. "oh, this one is good. turn it up!" he obliged, not even giving the screen a second look.

you settle in your seat as megan thee stallion's voice blares through the speakers, muffling a soft laugh behind your hand. seungmin hated the idea of you being a sexual being, and you often used it to bother him. you liked seeing him get red in the face, and squirm. it doesn't mean you understood it, but it was hilarious.

legs shakin', hit it 'til the bed breaking…bed springing, talk to it…

seungmin's mouth is agape, his cheeks firetruck red…

i don't want just one nut, daddy, i need the whole tree, ah…

…before his nimble fingers press skip. 

"are you serious, y/n? in my christian minecraft server?" his eyes are still fixed on the road, his knuckles turning white from his hold on the steering wheel. weird.

"it's megan! i love her, she's the hot girl coach. you don't want me to be a virgin forever, do you?" you joke, and he scrunches his nose. "since when do you listen to music about getting your…ugh, whatever. don't ever bring up sex appeal, you repulse me." you laugh loudly, your hand going to pinch his cheek softly. "you're so cute when you get flustered, min. here, i'll play pretty boy by the neighbourhood in your honor."

he can't stop thinking about it. it's been four hours since you played the song in the car, and it's still stuck in his head. well, what he did hear.

you, inherently, did not come across as a sexual being. you didn't, and that wasn't seungmin being just a platonic, nice friend – you genuinely did not care to be the core of anyone's sexual desire. you wore oversized shirts and loose jeans, the occasional dress paired with black pantyhose and boots. "gotta hide my ankles, minnie. that's how they getcha." but thinking about you…listening to that song? your hips winding down on some other man like he's seen you do on stage? hell, some other man's face when he's right here?

it made him sick.

and you were so beautifully unaware as you swirled your fork in your cinnamon roll, bringing the tines to your lips and sucking the icing clean off them. not a second lick or adjustment, just straight off. he felt his cheeks heat as his cock twitched in his pants, and he almost missed you waving your fingers in his face. "yo, you good? you seem distracted." you have a bit of icing on your lip, and he subconsciously reaches over to wipe it off. your eyes are wide as he does so, and he doesn't know why he can't move his thumb from your lip. he doesn't know why everything feels like it's moving in slow motion, and he just watches as you instinctively suck your lip between your teeth at the loss of contact.

you're so pretty, fuck, you're so pretty.

"i'm good. do you want to go?" he's surprised to hear his own voice, and you nod absently. he was acting weird, he knew he was, but he feels like there's a fog in his brain that he can't shake. maybe it was the way he'd memorized every curve of your body, from watching your fluid dances. maybe it was the way that you smiled so innocently, you were so innocent. your eyes big and pure, your heart full, your mind…naïve.

he didn't understand the sudden urge to ruin you, but he knew he had to get over it, and fast.

"fuck." he groans, and your head whips around to look at him. "you okay?"

he nods quickly, his hand landing on the small of your back to guide you to the car faster. "min, if you have to shit, you can just say that." "ugh, shut up. you always say the most unhinged shit. no wonder you can't get laid." he rolls his eyes, and you just laugh. "trust me, it's not for lack of opportunity." you let him open the door for you, and you wink at him playfully, his fingers flicking your forehead before shutting the door. it was true, multiple of your friends had offered to…deflower you. hyunjin, on your dance team. minho, on your production team. felix, your choreographer. even their friends in the music department had offered, and you simply smiled, shaking your head at them. "i just like to flirt, your dick is your problem."

but much like seungmin, they had all seen the way you moved. how easily you sunk to your knees, how smooth your gyrations were, the way you looked like you enjoyed it. you felt good knowing people were attracted to you, but it never compared to what you believed was seungmin's innocent gaze.

it was weird to want more from him, and it pained you, slightly. he was cute, your best friend. cute, experienced, and he knew you. he knew you so well, what could go wrong? he could reject you, that's what.

you're in your own head when you realize the car has been moving, and rather fast, at that. "min, seriously. are you shitting your pants?" you roll your eyes, and he brings the car to a screeching halt. "bro, your brakes." you cringe, covering your ears as he pulls into his driveway.

"are you going to kill me? no way, jisung always said i'd go out this way. please, tell my mother i love her and make sure i get the best spot in heaven." you feign terror as you unbuckle your seatbelt, not noticing the way seungmin can't even look at you. you feel how hard he slams his door, and you give his car a pitiful look as you slide out, following him to his apartment. he lived on the first floor, what a privilege.

he doesn't look at you as he walks into the apartment, tossing his keys onto the kitchen table. "y/n, i have a question."

"oh? mr. attitude has a question, does he?" you smile sarcastically, crossing your arms over your chest, the cowhide leather of the letterman you stole from him in high school rough against your skin. "alright, let's hear it." "why are you still a virgin?" okay, not what you were expecting. don't let it fluster you. you don't really notice his hardened expression as you try to answer. "well…it's just not on my list of priorities. i'll get fucked when i get fucked, you know?"

you shrug, not thinking much of your answer as he steps closer. "hm, i don't buy it."

raising an eyebrow, you shake your head, unbuttoning the jacket. "you're acting so weird, seungmin. if you wanna fuck me, just say that."

you sound surprisingly confident, and you can feel your heart pounding in your ears as you slide the jacket off, draping it over the couch. you gather your hair forward, spinning to speak to him again. "did you still want to watch the mov-" you're cut off by his lips pressing against yours, his hands gripping your hips, pulling you closer. you can't move, your hands frozen as he works you carefully, lips burning against your own. his movements feel desperate, and you let your body take over as you kiss him back, a soft sigh escaping his lips as your tongue slips between them. the kiss is hungry, his hands are digging into you so deeply you're sure you'll bruise. 

he stops. his fingers let go of your hips, and he pulls away, your lips chasing after his as he does. your lip gloss is glittering on his face, before he covers his eyes. "i'm so sorry, y/n. i have no idea what came over me, i…i'm sorry, please, let me take you home."

you can't speak, your mind still swirling with endorphins. your best friend of ten years just made the biggest move on you, and without a word, you managed to fumble it. no way. absolutely not.

"sorry for what? i'm not understanding." you suddenly feel very vulnerable, your skin littering with goosebumps at the sudden change in the air. "i'm perfectly fine with…whatever you were doing."

seungmin peers back at you through dark eyes. "no, y/n. we can't." he swipes his keys off the table, and you huff. "and why can't we, seungmin? what is so bad about kissing me?" his eyes are wide as you ramble, and it's all word vomit. you can't seem to stop it, but he's drinking every word.

"what is it? am i a bad kisser? is it because i'm a virgin? i don't think it's very fair that you can openly admit to being other girls' firsts but you can't even do that for me. you haven't even offered. i'm not saying you fucking have to, because you're my best friend and you always will be. but holy fuck, seungmin, i'm trying to get some. you said i should, so why not be the one i get it from?" 

you're out of breath, and seungmin just shakes his head as he takes one, two steps back in front of you. "you think i don't want to be your first? you think i don't want you all to myself, to ruin you for anyone else? you think i don't want to fuck you stupid, until all you know is my name? are you hearing yourself right now?"

"you're certainly not acting like it. it doesn't have to mean shit, seungmin. it's just sex." you roll your eyes, leaning on the couch. "it's not just sex, y/n. this is a huge step for you, for us. our friendship is on the line, and i don't want to do something you might regret later." you shake your head, and he hates when you get stubborn like this, you won't listen to reason. "still not seeing the issue here. i lose my virginity and gain some experience for the next guy, you get your dick wet. we go to bed, and we act like it didn't happen in the morning. you take me home, we listen to our playlists on the way there, and we go about our days."

he flings his keys onto the floor, his hands reaching to hold your face. he tucks a few strands behind your ears, fingers lovingly caressing your pierced lobes before he looks you dead in the eyes. "y/n, if i give you what you want tonight, there is no chance in hell you're going to fuck someone else."

you stare back at him silently, your eyes darting to his lips before your tongue peeks out to wet your own. it's not the worst thing in the world, being with seungmin. it could be good…and not just the sex. he knows you, you know him…his lips felt like they were made for you. they always had, since your drunken kiss on christmas eve.

"you say that like it's a threat." you challenge, and he bites back a smile, nodding his head. his hand has traveled to your hip, his other still holding your face when his nose touches yours, his breath hitting your lips. "if you want me to stop at any point, just let me know. understand, sweetheart?"

you nod, leaning forward to connect your lips. he pulls back, shaking his head. "i need to hear you say you understand."

"jeez, seungmin, i understand. i get it, can we please move this along?" you're not the least bit embarrassed as you whine against him, and he lets you kiss him. your lips are eager, your hands carding through his hair as he licks into your mouth. the kiss is all teeth and tongue, a soft moan interrupting it as he gives your clothed breast a gentle squeeze, his thumb working over your pebbled nipple. "min, i…" "what, tell me what you want, sweetheart." his lips trail down your jaw, nipping along your exposed neck carefully. your whines are like heaven to him, "n-need you.." "aw, you need me? need me where?" he's loving this, the way you squirm under his lips, under his nimble fingers. you push your chest into him involuntarily, "h-here. please?"

you grab his wrist, a wave of confidence taking over as you guide his hand under the waistband of your sweatpants. his fingers are cool against your clothed heat, a soft wet patch forming on the fabric. his eyes are wide as he instinctively lets his hand run over the spot, watching as you flinch, lip caught between your teeth. he presses hard against you, a gasp falling from your mouth. "i haven't even touched you, and look at how wet you are for me. a little pathetic, hm?" "'m’ yours, minnie. always, always been yours." you don’t mean that, he thinks. he's letting you grind against his hand, his gaze transfixed on your face. your brows furrowed, eyes screwed shut as you used his hand to get yourself to the edge. his cock twitches at the little pants falling from your lips, when he decides he's had enough. you nearly cry at the loss of contact, his hand escaping the confines of your plush thighs. "minnie-" "if you're gonna cum, it's gonna be on my face. let's go, sweetheart." he tugs you towards his bedroom, your legs weak as you try not to stumble behind him. "bed. on your back."

he's pulling his sweater over his head, and you nearly coo at his messy hair in your fucked out state. he feels a flush coat his cheeks as you lay there, waiting for him to tug your pants off. hooking his fingers in your waistband, you lift your hips to make it easier, and he slides your underwear and sweatpants off in one go. you suddenly feel shy, closing your legs. 

"ah, ah. it's just me, sweetheart. do you want to stop?" his hands move to your knees, the cool metal of his rings sending a soft shock to your spine. "no, i'm…okay. i'm just nervous." "it's okay, angel. i got you, don't worry." he presses a kiss to your forehead, nose…lips. he lingers there a bit, but doesn't let it deepen as he runs his hands down your legs. his fingers dig into your thighs, pulling them apart for him to settle between. you're soaking, the heat of his stare making anxiety bubble in your stomach. "fuck, you're going to be the death of me." his lips press soft, chaste kisses along your inner thigh, nipping carefully as you mewl. "minnie, please..i..please…" you end in a whimper, and who is he to deny you when you beg so nicely? he buries his nose in your pussy, bumping your clit as he lets his tongue drag through your folds, collecting your sweet, sweet arousal on his face. your hand flies to his hair as his lips suck on your clit, thighs threatening to close around his head. he doesn't care, he'd die a happy man right there between your legs.

"f-fuck, seungmin, ah! right there, holy f-fuh.." you're shaking around his head, bucking your hips into his face as gently as you can muster. he loves it, but he can't tell you that as he drowns in the scent of you, the obscene sounds of his tongue against you paired with your pretty whimpers ensuring he'd probably cum in his pants. "oh, b-baby i'm gonna.."

his hand reaches for yours, interlacing your trembling fingers with his, his other hand massaging your thigh in encouragement. he can barely bring himself to talk, a soft moan of his against your clit sending you over the edge, a soft cry of his name echoing in the room. "that's it, good job angel. you did so well for me, hm?" he's still lapping at you, not wanting to miss a single shiver or whimper from your body. "s'always that good? min?" he peers up at you from his spot between your legs, your lips parted as you blink, a tear rolling down the side of your face. he moves up to wipe it away, but you take his hand in yours, kissing his palm softly. "you okay? we can stop." he presses his forehead against yours, not able to process your cute gesture without wanting to bawl. you nod, a lazy smile crossing your lips as you reach to kiss him. "m'all good, minnie. do you…want me to help you?"

you can feel his clothed cock pressing against your leg, practically begging to be set free, and you teasingly buck up against it. he inhales sharply, shaking his head, "i want tonight to be about you. i want to make sure you feel good, okay? are you sure you want to continue?" "yeah, m'all yours." you sigh against his lips, a chaste kiss from you to him. "can i take this off, sweetheart?" he yanks lightly on your shirt, and you nod. you help him tug it over your head, your fingers reaching backwards to unclasp your bra. he feels like all the air is sucked out of the room as you lay beneath him, for him, in all your glory. every curve he's imagined just as gorgeous. "you're staring, it's making me shy." your soft voice snaps him out of his thoughts. "no, no, fuck, you're gorgeous. look at you, oh my god, i.." he trails off, his hands resting on your tummy. "you just went down on me, and you're short-circuiting over my tits, kim?" your teasing is not helping his brain, but the attitude brings him back to reality. "you know that's not all it is, stop it." he rolls his eyes, thumbs rubbing circles into your skin. it's soothing, the warmth of your skin radiating against his. he dips his head between your breasts, trailing open mouthed kisses all over your chest and stomach. "you're so beautiful. i'm literally the luckiest person in the entire universe." he's mumbling to himself mostly, but you feel soft tears prick at your eyes. his lips latch around one of your nipples, a gasp from you making him pull off with a pop. "can i…are you sure you want this, y/n? i really, really don't want you to regret this."

you grab his face in your hands, your thumbs lightly padding over his cheeks. "i want you, entirely. in this life, in the next life. okay? i got you, don't worry." you echo his words back to him, and he bites his lip, a hint of something in his eyes as he pulls back to unbuckle his pants. kicking them off quickly, you wait until he straightens to take a peek. 

the rumors were true. he's thick, his tip a soft mauve. your mouth is watering at the sight, when a snap of his fingers catches your attention. "eyes up here, sweetheart. i want you to look at me, can you do that?"

you nod, a shy smile on your lips as he goes to spread your knees again. "no, wait, minnie…" he feels his heart skip a beat at your voice, eyes flickering to yours in concern. "i…can i be on top? i read that…it can be better that way." you swallow thickly, and he feels the tips of ears burn but a smile grazes his features. "you studied for sex?"

any awkwardness is gone. you scoff, a light smack landing on his arm. "forgive me for wanting to be in control."

"you want to be in control? okay. fine, but you won't last long." he shrugs, sliding onto the bed behind you, eyes taking in the curve of your ass before you turn. "lay back, asswipe." "watch the attitude, or i'm shutting this shit down." he says, eyes serious as you feel your cheeks heat. you watch as he gets comfortable on his pillows, and you crawl over to him, your hands brushing against his sides as you straddle him. "we can go as slow as you want, okay?" his words are reassuring as his hands reach for your thighs, and you nod.

you take a deep breath, lightly letting your cunt drag along his length, his tip bumping your clit. you shiver, a buzz going up your legs as he takes your hips in his hands, manually guiding you over his cock. "did you read about this too?"

"shut up." you roll your eyes, his hands holding you in place. he looks…so convincing like this. like everything will go back to normal after this, like everything will be the same. he'll still be your best friend, and you'll still be desperately, hopelessly, stupidly in love with him. it's overwhelming, and you just bite your lip, shaking your head. "you're staring." "your dick is twitching, but i'm not saying shit." scoffing, you take him in your hand gently, lining him up with your aching center. you sink down slowly, the tip barely swiping your entrance when you grimace, a hiss escaping your lips as you screw your eyes shut. "i know, angel. here, let me help you." seungmin pulls you closer, his back against his headboard, careful not to pull out. you watch as his hand snakes between the two of you, his thumb softly circling your clit, your eyes threatening to close. "eyes open." you oblige, feeling a gush of arousal at his command, and you have no room to feel embarrassed when he begins to shallowly fuck into you, matching the pace of his thumb. your eyes are glossy as you move your hands to hold onto the headboard, your chest flush to his face. he kisses your shoulder, your soft whimpers music to his ears. 

"deeper? or stay like this?" he asks, voice shaking slightly, the warmth of your pussy almost staggering. it's humiliating how worked up you have him, but you need to stay humble. it helps him tolerate you. "d-deeper, is okay."

his arms wrap around your waist tightly, slowly pulling you down further, a whine escaping your throat as your hands move to his shoulders, your eyes meeting his. he's trying not to cum from the way your pretty cunt swallowed him so perfectly, taking him so well. made for him, just him. "m'so full, minnie." you clench around him, and it takes all his willpower not to finish. he's not far, he's practically seeing stars…but the way you're looking at him, you're so pretty, so ready to cry over his cock. he needs to drag this out as long as he can.

"y-you can move, if you want. p-please, want to feel you." you're pleading, he knows. he swallows, confidence wavering as he nods, slowly thrusting up into you, the squelch immediately catching his attention, eyes tearing from yours. he watches the way you take him, your body begging to be ruined by him. he moves a little faster, your mind beginning to blur as he falls into a rhythm. 

your nails are digging into his shoulders, your lip caught between your teeth as his hips rock against yours. his eyes flicker back to your face, and you manage a quick wink. he feels his cheeks burn beet red as he looks away. he feels like such a fucking virgin, when he is the one that's your first, not the other way around. pretty girl on his lap and he can't even look at you.

he wishes you had been his first, too, and he wishes you would have asked him sooner. you're so smart, you're so gorgeous, your lips taste like cinnamon sugar. fuck, he loves you. you're his best friend, you feel so good around him and you know him so well. he loves you, so fucking much.

his hips come to a slow, your moan drawing out as he drags his cock against your walls at an agonizing pace. "'still want to be in control, angel?" his lips press to your clavicle, and you nod against his neck. "will you tell me if it's good?"

he pulls you back, hand coming up to caress your face. "how could it not be, when it's you?"

you don't say a word, allowing his lips to meet yours in a chaste kiss. he slumps a bit, and you maneuver so his back is almost flat on the bed, and you try not to moan as the movement makes his cock hit you just right. "whenever you're ready, just use me how you want to." you feel a flutter in your stomach, giving an experimental roll of your hips, your hands flat on his side. raising your hips, your thighs tremble as you start a rhythm, bouncing on him carefully. he's watching you, the way you move so fluidly, like you're dancing. like you're enjoying him, using him, making his brain feel useless. he can't speak, just drinking in this picture of you he's never going to get to see again after tonight, taking in your throaty moans.

"m-minnie?" your eyes are low, your hands moving to his chest, pushing your breasts together. fuck, you are art. "y-yeah?" 

he can't even focus as you whimper, clamping around him like a vice, moving slightly faster. "m'close, i can't..i.." you're still looking at him, and he can't. he can't take it, using his strength to flip you on your back. he interlaces your fingers, pinning your hands above you as he roughly fucks into you, sharp cries falling from your lips.

his head dips, lips dragging along your jaw as he whispers in your ear. "this is where you belong. under me, begging for me. got it?"

you feel chills cover your body as you nod, "y-yes, god, yes." "good girl." he's so unsure of himself, he's so afraid he'll scare off your high but he needs to know. "did you mean what you said earlier?" he's speaking through gritted teeth, his eyes focused on the gloss in your eyes.

"hmm?" your brows furrow, your bitten lips slightly agape as his thrusts become sloppy, and he just shakes his head, opting to kiss you instead. hoping it'll help the knot in his stomach go away, hoping it will help you forget he asked. you can't help but pant into his mouth, feeling him smile against your lips. "you can let go, sweetheart. you did so well for me, yeah? i got you." you don't register how tightly you squeeze his fingers, or how deeply you're kissing him as you feel the white hot sensation rip through you. he's drunk off you, and you can feel him spurting inside you, his cum trickling out of you as his thrusts come to a slow, slow, stop.

but he doesn't, his lips don't. he can't stop kissing you, he doesn't want to talk. he doesn't want to tell you how you made him feel, how he can never see you the same again. he doesn't want to watch you walk out of his apartment tonight and possibly never be able to talk you again. he doesn't want to ever, ever hear about you doing this with some other guy, but he made his bed. 

your thighs are trembling around him, and you tug your fingers out of his grasp, pulling as far away from his mouth as you physically can. he pouts, chasing after them, only stopping when your eyes blink slowly at him.

"you alright?" his voice is soft, almost scared. you nod, swallowing thickly as you look away, tears forming in your eyes. "ah, talk to me, y/n. it's okay." "i meant it. what i said, earlier. i…don't know why i said it, i never planned on saying it. i'm sorry if it's going to make things awkward." you feel a tear escape, your hand quickly pawing it away. "awkward? with you? it’s not possible." he murmurs, and you glance at him, but he's staring at the pillows above your head.

"but you don't feel the same way." you say, almost as if you're trying not to hurt your feelings by letting your own words reject you, instead of him. he shifts, and you realize he's still inside you. he props himself up on his elbows, hands holding his head up as he peers at you. "you think i don't?"

"i know you don't." you laugh coldly, and he smiles. "yeah, miss sex expert? you know everything? did you read that, too?"

"ugh, stop. i'm never telling you anything again." you're becoming increasingly aware of your nudity, and seungmin can feel the hot flame of shame creeping up his back. he shakes his head, hating the way his blushing cheeks burn so bright. "i want you to tell me everything, forever. i love knowing you, i love trusting you. i'm glad you trusted me with this."

you can't look at him. his hand moves to make you look at him, fingers lightly squeezing your jaw. "and i meant what i said, too. you can't fuck anyone else. only i can see you like this, okay?"

his eyes are searching your face, watching you attempt to nod. "and…" he sighs, feeling tears prick at his eyes. "and i love you. i love your smile, and how you laugh when you play sex songs in the car. i love when we split cinnamon rolls, because you always try to take the bigger piece as if i won't just let you have it. i love when you say my name because it rolls so nicely off your tongue. i love how you move so effortlessly, and how you remember every little thing about anyone, ever. i love that you're funny, and you're so passionate. i love that you're so smart, far too smart to think that i wouldn't sell my soul to live an eternity by your side." his voice is trembling, and your eyes are wide and full of tears, full of adoration, of love for the stupid boy hovering above you.

"i love you, please. please say you're mine." his tears spill, and your lips part, a soft sob escaping as you pull him close, the cool metal of his necklace dragging against your damp skin. "i'm yours, always. i'm yours, i'm yours, i'm yours. i love you." you mumble against his lips, your tears mixing with his on your cheeks.

"thank fuck, i was about to end it all thinking about you doing that fucking trick on someone else." he mutters, and you snort as he buries his face. "that wasn't in the article, funnily enough. it just felt like the right thing to do. think if i pierced my clit, it'd feel better for you?" you ponder aloud, and he nips at your skin.

"don't even start, i haven't even pulled out." he groans, and you laugh loudly. "you're so pretty." he pouts, and rolls his eyes as they start filling with tears, your hand quickly wiping the ones that spilled. "is this going to happen every time? i kind of hate it."

"god, i hope so. i love seeing you like this for me." you tease, and he scrunches his nose. "shut up. stay humble, it's the only way i tolerate you." he nuzzles his nose back into your neck, and you let him stay there, carding your fingers through his hair.

"y/n?"

"yes, seungmin?" "i'm yours, you know that?"

"mmm, i do now. just mine?" "just yours. always." he nods as he pulls himself off you, placing a kiss on your temple, before brushing his lips on the shell of your ear. "someone has to fuck the attitude out of you, and i'm so glad it's gonna be me." you feel your skin heat at his words, and you smack him lightly. he gives a playful thrust, making you gasp before slowly pulling out. "you're off the hook for now, my angel. let's get you cleaned up." he doesn't stop kissing your face in the shower, or when he's shampooing your hair. he doesn't stop kissing your shoulders as he towels you dry, or your tummy when he works lotion into your skin. he can't keep his hands off you, even when you say you need to put clothes on. he can't get enough of the burn of your skin against his, and moves as fast as a human possibly can stripping the sheets off his bed and replacing them. 

he can't stop, and he won't stop kissing you, splitting cinnamon rolls with you, or singing sex songs in the car. he can't stop, and he won't stop, supporting you at your recitals and fucking you stupid as a reward. he can't stop, and he won't stop filling your cup until it's overflowing, making you laugh until you cry, and dragging moans of his name from your throat.

he can't stop, and he will never stop, loving you.

temptaetions © 2024. no translations, reposting or modifications are allowed. do not claim as your own. viewer discretion is advised. your media consumption is your responsibility.

#kvanity #kdiarynet #cultofdionysusnet #kim seungmin #kim seungmin x reader #kim seungmin fic #kim seungmin imagine #kim seungmin angst #kim seungmin smut #kim seungmin fluff #seungmin #seungmin fic #seungmin imagine #seungmin angst #seungmin fluff #seungmin smut #seungmin x reader #stray kids #skz #skz imagine #skz fic #skz fluff #skz angst #skz smut #useraltair: originals🌷

[katscki]

Let’s Talk About Sex

let’s talk about sex: salt-n-pepa

MDNI

bakugou x fem!reader

masterlist

wc: 1.7k

all characters are aged up!!!! like 18-19 ish

cw: praise, established relationship, inexperienced, virgins but not virginity loss, dirty talk, sex talk (idk man just go with it), dry humping if you squint, oral (fem receiving), fingering, mentions of masterbation again if you squint.

this has just been sittin in my drafts for forever

You were a virgin, both of you were, never going past heated make out sessions and fleeting touches, never having the courage. However, after spending the day with your friends talking about their experiences with guys, you haven’t been able to get yourself off knowing there was something more pleasurable to be explored. Of course you knew about head, the gist of it that is, where you would like to be touched, speed, pressure, but actually experiencing it was something completely different. It has been so difficult trying to rub one out after things got a little too intense with Bakugou. So after hearing about how heavenly getting eaten out was, naturally you wanted to see what it was like for yourself.

You walk out of your bedroom to find him splayed across your couch in a comfortable manner, before going up to him. “Suki, can you um… can you sit up. I need to talk to you.” Your words ring in his head and the constant fear that you’re going to leave him instantly surfaces in his mind.

He clears his throat before sitting up to which you invite yourself to sit cutely in a cross cross applesauce manner in front of him. Shorts riding up in the process so only a little fabric is visible below your his sweatshirt.

“What about, baby? Somethin wrong?” He tries to sound cool but internally he is just waiting for the ‘it’s not you it me’ conversation. Seconds feel like minutes as you try to gain your composure enough to get the sentence out.

“Um you know how I was over at F/N’s the other day?” You ask and he nods tentatively. “W-well we were talking about um… well we were talking about s-sex. And they were telling me about what it’s like when a guy eats you out… a-and the way they were describing it… it just seems like it would feel so good.” You say sighing dreamily at what it might feel like.

Bakugous brain has stopped working, cheeks flushed a pretty pink. Not a thought behind his eyes other than pleasuring you in a new way, until an influx of worries began to plague his mind. Were you asking him for head? He didn’t know how to do that! Why now, you never seemed very interested before?!Were you waiting for him to make the first move but decided he took too long? Just. Why now?

“O-okay but where’s this comin from? You went over there like a week ago? Why not ask when you got back?” He asks genuinely so confused.

“So um after that conversation I couldn’t stop thinking about,” You take a moment to point at his head then point between your legs, “and it made me r-really um… horny… I guess is the word. But every time I would try to help myself, I would start to imagine it was y-you then it would get ruined cause it wasn’t you.” You shyly look up from your lap with innocent eyes that beg for him to understand.

“You think about me when you…” He inquires but it isn’t so much a question more so adoration that you see him in your mind at your most intimate moments.

“W-well yea! Don’t you- don’t you think about me?” The second half comes off quieter than you intended but he hears it anyway. No verbal answer was said but the blush on his cheeks darkening gives you all the answer you need.

“So,” He clears his throat as to sound more composed, “You want me to eat you out? M not sure what i’m doing…” He says dejectedly and you think that’s his way of saying no. Bakugou sees the way your shoulders instinctively sink in disappointment so he makes the second part of his statement quick. “But I wanna learn! um, I wanna learn how to make you feel good… if you’ll teach me…”

“Really?” He can see the excitement etch your features as you look in his eyes for any regret of saying yes. “F’ course baby. Why wouldn’t I wanna get between my pretty girls thighs?” He says a little more confident now, bringing his hands down to squeeze at the plush of your thighs before lifting you to straddle him. He moves his hand up your waist landing on the back of your neck, thumb rubbing circles on your jaw before guiding you to kiss him. Immediately it was heated tongues beginning to explore each other’s mouths. It’s everything you would want in a kiss, the only way you could physically show your passion for one another so far but it was all about to change when you subtly roll your hips against his seeking friction. Seeing how he wasn’t appalled by your newly lewd behavior he thinks it’s hot you once again move your hips forward, letting out a small whimper into his mouth. You were about to do it again too if it weren’t for him flipping you on your back, him above you continuing the kiss.

“Mm can’t have you cummin on my lap sweets. Want the first time you let go with me to be on my tongue. Wanna taste you.” Bakugou purrs into your ear, kissing down your neck, slowly moving his body towards your womanhood. Stopping at your shorts, he looks up at you gauging your reaction to a slow lick below your belly button. The action making you shudder in anticipation. His fingers hook at the sides of your shorts awaiting your permission to undress you. “Can I take em off pretty?” You nod nervously.

Suddenly, the thought of this being the first time a man will see your most intimate places has you shutting your eyes tightly, not wanting to see his reaction. But this was also his first time seeing a pussy, he was never one to dabble in porn, always being able to get the job done with the imagery in his mind alone. He pulled them down, underwear too in the process and you gasped audibly at the chilly air hitting your cunt so suddenly. The fact that he is quiet for a while makes you even more nervous until you feel his finger take a curious swipe through your folds.

“Jesus fucking christ” He whispers as he sees the wetness that secreted from your hole. In hearing that the first thing your mind goes to is he thinks it’s gross, that is until you open your eyes to see him sucking your essence off his finger, eyes rolling back at the taste of you.

“Suki, please want it so bad it hurts.” You pout at him wiggling your hips to try and catch your clit on something, anything for some relief.

“Aww my poor baby, tell your Suki where it hurts so he can kiss it better.” He coos, loving the way your eyes are glossing over from gaining pleasure in his words alone.

“Right here Suki, n-need it right here.” You let your hand drag down to your throbbing nub, aching for some kind of friction, and giving it a few tight circles before reluctantly pulling away. He stairs at the spot you showed him trying to commit it to memory. Pshh what’s all this about not finding the clit? You just showed him where it was! How are other men struggling with this? He leans down to cautiously make the first swipe of his tongue across the bundle of nerves trying to see if he was doing it right. But after seeing your hips jolt, eyes rolling back at the foreign feeling, he figures he’s at least got this down.

He continues to lap at your clit in small short licks trying to get one thing right at a time. Bakugou feels your hand gravitate to his hair, fingers intwining themselves with the strands as you gently start to pull. The groan that leaves his mouth is enough to tell you how much he likes the slight burning sensation as you pull. He’s licking and licking and licking until you say something, “S-suck it Suki, fuck me with your fingers while you suck.” His eyes widen at your wording but ultimately enjoys the noticeable sign that you’re getting more comfortable.

Bakugou slowly brings his finger to your entrance, collecting some of your wetness onto it before carefully slipping it inside of you. And just when you thought it couldn’t feel any better, he finally began to suck on your clit, moaning around you at your taste, the vibrations sending pleasurable jolts through you. His finger moves in and out of you smoothly, reaching places your tiny fingers couldn’t. Just a little more and you would for sure cum. Once he sees that your hole is big enough to comfortably accommodate his finger he adds another creating a pleasurable stretch.

“Oh god yes, fuuuck yes! C-curl your fingers! Please p-please!” Your eyes have officially shut, brows furrowed basking in how intoxicating it feels. He does as you say, curling his fingers upward grazing against a small spongy spot inside of you. All the while still basically making out with your nub.

“Right there! Don’t stop— d-dont stop… Oh my fucking god! K-katsukiiii!” You moan out pornographically, hips rolling onto his tongue and hand chasing your orgasm. And he knows when it hits, core tightening around his fingers so hard he thinks they may break, thighs shooting up to squish his head in between them, fingers still dancing through his hair albeit harder now desperately trying to get him to keep going.

Once the after shocks die down, you lie limp on the couch, cum dripping from your throbbing hole.

“How *pant* are you *pant* so fucking *pant* good at that?!” He licks your excess juice off his lips before he answers.

“So I did okay?” He asks nervously, way out of character for him.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! You just made me cum the hardest I ever have and you’re asking me if you did okay?! Yes! God fucking yes you did so good.” you assure him.

His cocky nature returning to him as he hears your praise, leaning down to whisper sexily in your ear, “Course I did, I’m Katsuki fuckin Bakugou. Now spread those legs again pretty. Still gotta stick my tongue in this pussy.”

Your friends are gonna love this.

TAGS 🏷:

@trafalgar-lau @mybabekatsuki @loving-katsuki @ariavaana @melaniebakugo @keyz-writes @kuleo26 @sirensuki @theweasleysrule @asmaechan

#mha #bnha #bakugou #bakugou fluff #bakugou katsuki #bakugou imagine #bakugou x reader #fanfic #bakugou x you #katsuki x reader #mha bakugo smut #bakugo smut #mha smut #bakugou katsuki smut

[dynamic-power]

psst - it’s kinktober. what are Ian and Mickey’s fave kinks? reply and pass it on

Oh that's a great question, anon.

🎵 let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about Mick and E

Salt-n-pepa, anyone? No? Just me?

Buckle up because I have a lot to say about this.

Mickey's favorite is to be pushed around and held down. Ian is strong, and Mickey loves it when he shows that off. Mick knows how to push at Ian just right to get himself shoved into or onto the nearest flat surface or lifted up and carried to wherever Ian wants him to be. He doesn't like to hand over all the control, but he loves it when Ian manhandles him. Once, Ian lifts him up, wraps Mickey's thighs around his waist, and pounds into him while they're standing in the middle of the room. He can't do it for long - he's strong, but Mickey isn't exactly light, so he does end up walking them back against a wall - but that handful of thrusts were some of the hottest moments Mickey has ever experienced.

Ian's favorite is come play/sharing. Mickey accuses him of being an animal with the way he "marks his territory" (Mick's words, not Ian's) but Ian doesn't really care. He loves barebacking and watching as his cum leaks out of Mickey, or finishing on his slstomach or back and rubbing it into his skin. He knows it's filthy, but Mickey let's him so he doesn't think twice about it anymore. One time, after blowing Mickey, he tries pushing some of Mick's own semen back into his mouth, and something about watching Mickey completely blissed out and just accepting whatever Ian gave him, swallowing without a second thought has Ian humping the bed and coming before Mickey even gets a hand on him. (They learn that it goes both ways, too; on the rare occasions that Ian bottoms, what really pushes him to orgasm is the feeling of Mickey coming in him)

Mickey's favorite kink of Ian's is voyeurism. He thought Ian would prefer being the one to put on a show, to spread himself out and get himself off for Mickey, but it's actually the other way around. Ian will sometimes walk in on Mickey masturbating, and instead of complaining or teasing or joining, he'll sit back and let Mickey feel himself up, make himself come. Every time this happens, Mickey slows down and draws it out and exaggerates every sound and loves knowing how much Ian is getting off on watching.

Ian's favorite of Mick's is praise. His husband doesn't like to admit to it, but Ian knows he's got a praise kink a mile wide. It doesn't matter if they are having soft, sleepy sex in the early hours of the morning or if Ian is absolutely railing him in the bar bathroom because they just had to have each other right that minute, Mickey loves hearing Ian tell him how good he feels, how hot he is, how amazing he makes Ian feel. It always succeeds in turning Mickey into a puddle of babbling, blushing, sex-drunk goo.

#gallavich #kinktober #ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #ask dyno #thanks anon!

[alexjcrowley]

"Songs now are all about sex! It's so boring and repetitive!"

I hear you, but I feel like the problem is that most of today's songs are boringly about sex.

Let's take for example Two Trucks by Lemon Demon. If all modern songs about sex were like Two Trucks Having Sex (My Muscles, My Muscles Involuntarily Flex) I'd have a lot less complains about them.

And even decades ago they had a lot of songs about sex, but they were funky! "All songs about sex are boring and bad" No! Not Tuca Tuca by Raffealla Carrà! Fight me on it!

I feel like there should only be like three different genres of sex songs:

-Chronically Online (ex. Two Trucks)

-Euphemistic-or-even-make-up-words-to-allude-to-the-act-of-a-sexual-intercourse with a funky tune (ex. Tuca Tuca, Let's Misbehave)

-Whathever in the Sex Education name is Let's Talk about Sex by Salt 'n' Pepa

Yes, I know, there's technically the fourth genre that is "song about sex that tries to convey the intimacy of the act" but I feel like a lot of people who try that end up goofing it up and write the most indicesive and bleak songs of all time so you should be able to try yourself in this fourth genre only if you've already mastered two of three above.

Thanks for listening to my TedTalk

#songs #music #songs about sex #this is for the very niche Raffealla Carrà-Lemon Demon Audience

[mila-music-adventures]

new year, new music!

so, lately i’ve been listening to all kinds of things, as usual. 

but, a main re-discovery im making is of older hip hop and rap. i remember when i was very small i really liked listening to MC Hammer  ( Can’t touch this is gold), and it hasn’t changed! the powerful message, moving rhythm and unique and crafty samples make a signature sound like no other. i also recognized samples of old rap music in my favourite gabber tunes. for example, S’Express has been sampled for a 90′s dutch hardcore mix (aw, not fair! no-thats good). or my favourite track by Undercover Anarchist called Kingdom samples a line from King of rock by Run-DMC which has since become both my one of favourite songs and an artist i come back to regularly. I especially like the reverb effect in King of Rock as well as the confident nature of the singers coupled with the sounds of electric guitar. It’s really unique. 

what i am amazed by most is the versatility, rhyme and rhythm to the words that seem to make music by their very intonation. i think its incredible. the music structure itself is not complex but is powerful in that purity of human voice and raw emotion expressed in these songs with just a backing track and a few samples to accompany it.  

i also enjoy listening to Salt n Pepa because of their fun and smart lyrics and the colourful language they use to describe feelings and acts of love. i find it boring when these kinds of things get too literal, there is no magic or imagination to it. i also find it interesting how their songs feel like a conversation with their call and response style, for example Let’s talk about sex or Shoop. 

but, sometimes i like going a bit south. no, a bit more east. lately i really like listening to Bali gamelan music by an artist called Gamelan Degung. I will edit this post when i find more information about Balinese music, because the scale used is very unique and i just love it. the subtle, smooth and soft metallic sound sounds like the gentle pattering of rain while swimming inside the sea or in a foggy rainforest. the sound feels very calm and colourful to me, and the flute gives it a sharp and airy edge and texture to it. the music is mainly polyphonic, and the rhythm seems to change in the course of a tune too. the music is very subtle, maybe even minimalist, but feels very intricate and complex. i cant pick a favourite, because i like all of them. if you read some of my earlier posts, you’ll know i also listened to Gabber Modus Operandi, who also used traditional balinese instruments like the gamelan as well as the scale.

[chattingwiththelightkeeper]

Some Kind Of Wonderful Or Clash Of The Vanilla And Lifestyle Titans

Something that has happened or will happen to those involved in the lifestyle is we meet an amazing person, there is a click of interest, but we meet this person in a vanilla setting. Perhaps it is a friend of a friend, maybe at the grocery while picking up a few kumquats, or through a completely random life event. With this in mind, I wanted to share some of my thoughts on how to handle things when meeting someone appealing yet possibly very vanilla.

The first thing and I believe the most important thing is knowing yourself. Having an understanding of those things that one needs and wants in a relationship along with those things someone may want but if push came to shove they would be willing to do without. This is where it is key to understand if a person’s interest in lifestyle can be satisfied with kinky coitus or if they need much more than that. There is nothing wrong with understanding that having erotic bow-chicka-wow-wow will satisfy or if the full enchilada of the lifestyle is a prerequisite for a happy, fulfilling relationship. This is something that no one can answer on your behalf and in fairness to the potential new partner, should be well thought out before a person decides to move forward.

This could just be me alone who feels this way but I often feel that when we meet someone who has the chance to be some kind of wonderful (Which by the way is the title of one of my favorite movies) and since the lifestyle is part of me, I think that there must be a dash of something lifestyle in that person I find interesting. While working to discover if there is a pinch, or more, of lifestyle in a person always make sure to keep it a judgment-free zone. There is nothing wrong with an individual if they do not get, understand, or want anything to do with the lifestyle.

Another part of probing to discover if by chance that person of interest happens to be open to all things kinkeriffic is to keep it fun. There is nothing wrong with saying “Oh, don’t be so vanilla”, “What are you going to do, spank me?” or other fun phrases like those. While it might seem a bit too ‘joke like’ but in my experience, little comments like this can open the door to discussions of the lifestyle, and once again this is just my opinion but lifestyle folks or those open to it will jump on board the kinky banter train you let out of the station by the “spank me” comment because they are trying to figure out if you are kinky too. If nothing else, someone who is deeply not interested in all things lifestyle, will most likely not want to even joke about kinktastic things.

No matter if a ‘prospective person’ is or is not into the lifestyle, in today’s modern matchmaking world the topic of sex is going to “cum up”. Now that I typed sex, I have Salt-N-Pepa’s Let’s Talk About Sex in my head but this topic is bound to pop up in conversation. When or if this discussion happens sharing either fantasy or expressing something you enjoy that might freak out a vanilla as fantasy (even though you have done it, liked it, and want some more of it), allows the sex talk to be less intimating. Also, there are times and places for naughty and maybe downright nasty sex chats, this is a time to keep your fantasy chatter as clean as possible because kinky fuckery can feel ‘dirty’ to a vanilla when things are kept clean.

At this point I am going to suppose that conversation has flowed and sexual discussions seem to be a mutual hit, it is time to politely but clearly stop being around the proverbial bush. It is time to be direct, discuss specifics (about the lifestyle, not about sex), and past experiences as well as future wants and needs. It can be scary to put it all out there but if you want the reward, then you must be willing to take this ‘risk’. I would again recommend keeping word choices gentle but you can softly yet firmly express D/S no matter the side of the slash you reside on.

Through this whole process of doing the are they lifestyle or not salsa dance, one of the most important things to do is to listen, process, and understand what the are they vanilla or not prospect is sharing. It can be very easy to focus our minds on who to do I say this or should I ask this next but rather than focus on your words, make sure you are engaged in hearing the person you are feeling out.

I want to conclude this by offering some advice that I think is much needed.

Please do not cheat because you find that you need more kink than your partner can give or is willing to give. If you enter into a relationship and you find it is not what you need I believe there are a few choices available. First, work on fixing the relationship so it is satisfying. If that is not possible then discussing having an ethically open relationship so that those unmet desires can be met yet done so honestly. If you are going to cheat, you will get caught and this will hurt your partner more than having honest and ethical conversations with them.

Finally, no matter how many articles there are out there on the internet no one can ‘make’ someone dominant or submissive. While there are all kinds of advice on how to make someone a role, that is not happening in reality. While you can send that person you want to be dominant to Master Marky Mark’s dullard to dominant day camp or if it is a submissive you wish someone to be then Submissive Suzie’s Sunday school of submission but none of those programs, processes, or presentations will change anything. Yes, I believe you can teach someone who wants to learn, explore, and/or join the lifestyle but if the desire is not with that person, no lifestyle role can be artificially created for them.

As with all of my writings, please see this disclaimer.

©TLK2021

[popmusicu]

A Salt With a Deadly Pepa.

Just like my last post, this is also a love letter for something that I love: 80’s and 90’s Hip-Hop. And more importantly, Salt-N-Pepa.

Have you heard the song “Juice” by one of the greatest: Notorious B.I.G? The song is about his life. Why am I bringing him up? The lyrics.

It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up! magazine

Salt-n-Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine.

In 1985, New York City, two friends, Cheryl James (Salt) and Sandra Denton (Pepa) decided to form a deadly duo and break records al over USA.

Well, if this post was a movie, there would probably be a record scratch, so we can clarify some things.

Cheryl James and Sandra Denton in 1985 where nurse students at a community college in Queens (the most rapper place on USA, I must say). They where also co-workers at “Sears”, they usually called each other from the store’s phones and laugh all day, and when the manager got closer, they just pretended to close a deal, they could probably tell their dream wasn’t to be a salesperson.

A year prior to that, Cheryl James started a relationship with (now producer, but at the time student) Hurby Azor, this name is the reason why the whole group exists. Hurby Azor, in 1985 had to make a demo-music-project for his class at college. He said that he didn’t want to make a hip-hop song with a male voice, because it was monotone, so after making a lot of auditions (and all of them failing miserably), Cheryl James said that she knew how to freestyle, and her friend Sandra too.

And poof, that was all it took.

The son was called “The Showstoppa”, but you can find it in Spotify by the name “The Showstopper”, you could tell it was their first, in a part of the song, Cheryl refers to Pepa as “Sandy”!

https://open.spotify.com/track/0IFekhUaVbZl7BdeliuhVb?si=ecb57404cf6e4bf4

The song was just THAT good, so Azor sent it to his friend (and radio host), so he could play it. Azor didn’t say a thing to Salt and or Pepa, they just listened their voices in the radio of their car. It was so overwhelming, they just parked, and started crying of happiness.

So, let’s recapitulate a bit.

We have two singers and a producer, right? Don’t we need something else? The answer is yes! Although Salt and Pepa were a bomb by being them, they still needed a DJ. And no one was better than DJ Spinderella.

DJ Spinderella was adored by everybody on Queens. She was adored by women who loved rap because she was good, and she was adored by men who loved rap because she was a woman doing “man” stuff (being a DJ in the 80’s).

So, we have two singers, a producer, and a DJ, who also produced. If we add al of those things…we get the first ladies of Rap and Hip Hop.

Their songs are still known to this day. Songs like:

“Push It”

Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed

Can't you hear the music's pumpin' hard like I wish you would?

Now push it, push it good

“None of Your Business”

If I want to take a guy home with me tonight

It's none of your business

And she want to be a freak and sell it on the weekend

It's none of your business.

“Whatta Man”

Yes, my man says he loves me, never says he loves me not

Tryin' to rush me good and touch me in the right spot

See other guys that I've had, they tried to play all that mac shit

But every time they tried I said, "That's not it"

…And “Let’s Talk About Sex”. And I want to make a special mention to this last one.

Let’s Talk About Sex is the reason why we can have songs like WAP on today’s world. It was a song where they could be explicit about how they loved having sex, how it was natural, and everybody should talk about that.

Yo, Pep, I don't think they're gonna play this on the radio

And why not? Everybody havin' sex

I mean, everybody should be makin' love

Come on, how many guys you know make love?

Most importantly, in the peak of AIDS, that song was an anthem, that’s why they renamed to “Let’s talk about AIDS”. As a matter of fact, in their 1993’s album “Very Necessary”, the last song is called “I’ve got AIDS” and it’s not a song, but a reenactment of a conversation of a teen boy (Mario) and his girlfriend (Cathy) in which she confesses that she went to the clinic, and she found out that she had HIV because of him, because he didn’t want to wear a condom, and his response was “YOU might have HIV, I guess, but not me. No, I'm sorry, I'm straight.”. They knew their demographic, and they were huge advocates for the fight against AIDS, racism and misogyny.

Salt-N-Pepa where the first female rappers to win a Grammy (next to Queen Latifah, who said that they were the reason she got into music). And they are called “The firsts ladies of rap and hip-hop”.

I hope this very few words do justice to their greatness. Thank you Salt-N-Pepa.

-Carla Sánchez de la Fuente.

#All time best #I love this

[kickmag]

Hip Hop Public Health Premieres Let's Talk About Salt Video Featuring Cheryl "Salt" James

Hip Hop Public Health held its virtual Remixing Public Health Gala live on Tuesday, September 22, 2020. The New York non-profit hosted over 500 people to celebrate the work they have been doing for over 15 years to inspire lifestyle changes and raise health literacy. It was at this event that they debuted their "Let's Talk About Salt" video featuring hip-hop legend Cheryl "Salt" James. The animated feature seeks to educated about better eating habits and the dangers of too much salt. The rapper, who is one-half of Salt-N-Pepa, said: "When blessed with a platform, you've got to use it for his glory and spread the word, whether it's for your mental, physical or spiritual health."

Hip Hop Public Health remixed the group's 1991 hit "Let's Talk About Sex" which sampled The Staple Singers' "I'll Take You There" because it opened up a dialogue about the A.I.D.S. pandemic at the time. The HHPH version was funded in part by The American Heart Association's New York City Community Impact Grant and encourages the prevention of hypertension. A group of artists, doctors, public health experts, designers and producers were engaged to create the song and was developed by an all-woman team of designers from Mylo The Cat and Cartuna.  

Multi-platinum composer Q. Worthy co-wrote the song with Stephanie Chambers and co-produced it with Jose Sanchez. The track was remixed by producer, DJ, percussionist, and BYLR Radio Station co-founder, Dee Wiz. Hip Hop Public Health founder and renowned neurologist, Dr. Olajide Williams, hypertension expert Dr. Andrew Moran from the New York-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center, and board member Dr. Olugbenga Ogedegbe from New York University’s School of Medicine also weighed in with medical oversight.

SWV, Jordin Sparks, Ashanti, James "Jimmy" Maynes and members of En Vogue were present to offer congratulations to Salt. Advisory board member Darryl MC McDaniels from Run DMC and Public Enemy frontman Chuck D. spoke and reminded everyone of the power of hip-hop. Dr. Olajide Williams co-founded the non-profit in 2006 with legendary artist Doug. E. Fresh who hosted the gala and emphasized: "We must emerge from this moment with supporters like you, knowing that we did everything we could to help close the disparity gaps and save lives."

To learn more about Hip Hop's Public Health Gala visit www.hhph.org.

#salt n pepa #hip hop public health #cheryl salt james

[allwritealreadysaysbliss]

Narnia

I am afraid of everything.  I’m afraid of spiders.  I’m afraid of the dark.  I’m afraid my food is poisoned.  I’m afraid of flying.  I’m afraid of being alone.  I’m afraid of rejection.  I’m afraid of failure.  I’m afraid of what people think about me.  I’m afraid if I sneeze alone in my apartment, the murderer who has been hiding and waiting for me will say, “Bless You” before he jumps out and kills me.  I’m afraid of germs and pain and needles and blood and my own brain. I’m afraid of death. I’m afraid of intimacy.    

I am 31-years-old and in my first relationship ever.  And I’m afraid it will just never happen for me.

We met on Craigslist…his favorite joke is to let that linger.  We met on Craigslist.  A couple years ago, I was apartment hunting; I had been living alone in River North and felt it was time to minimize costs by changing locations and re-acclimating to having a roommate.  I emailed every normal-sounding post I found.  Hi, my name is Jamie.  I’m a twenty-something female who works and does stuff for fun, blahblahblah.  I was once pulled on stage at a Salt-N-Pepa concert (true, greatest day of my life) and I have a cat; she’s perfect.

He answered.  The ad was for a third room in the Humboldt apartment he shared with his friend, we’ll call her Katie, because that’s her name.  On a Saturday, I met him at the apartment; he toured me around and I think we even got coffee.  He was so hot, I found it difficult to talk to him.  At least, as I recall it.  His version of the story is different.  His version involves a low-angled mirror, which, I apparently pointed out, gave me a good view of my “vag.”  

The next day, we three potential roommates went to breakfast.  It was clear within minutes Katie was in love with him.  (Katie is still in love with him.)  He texted me that night and offered me the room.  “I can’t live with you” I politely informed this stranger.  “I’m too attracted to you.”

“Are you sure?” he responded.  I still think this is a stupid question.

What I could have said was yes, I’m sure and also your friend is in love with you and I cannot be part of this apartment where we both pine for you and then you bring home other girls.  But instead I just said, “yes, I’m sure.  I’m sorry.”  Katie still hates me because of this.  And also, probably, because she’s in love with him.  

I’ve never talked to anyone like that in my life.  Telling someone I thought they were attractive?  Never.  Being excited for dates?  How could I?  Telling someone I liked them?  Desperate.  

Past men have told me that it is impossible to read me, that it took them until after we stopped talking to figure out my way of showing affection was simply by not telling them to go away.  And until, we’ll call him Jordan because that’s his name, I thought that should be enough.  If you’re around, it’s because I want you around.  How exposed and desperate, I thought, to do more. I would watch couples interact with each other.  They kissed in public and held the backs of their partners’ necks.  They put their hands on their partners’ stomachs when taking pictures and held hands as if they knew the other person would want to.  Meanwhile, if I grazed someone’s leg under the table at dinner, it sent a chill of panic down my spine that I was coming on too strong.  Don’t throw yourself at them…be cool.

I had this conversation with a friend recently, and it was comforting to know she too felt this mindset was a residual effect of our all-girls junior and high school.  We focused on grades and not on shaving; we linked arms everywhere we walked and strewn our bodies on top of each other with abandon.  But boys?  They were foreign and you must tread lightly.  

We stayed friends, Jordan and I, after I didn’t move in.  At first, we only texted sporadically – he would keep me up-to-date about a rapper acquaintance of his I became (ironically) obsessed with.  He went to Japan and thought of me when he saw a band playing in the town square.  And when he came back, we started hanging out.  He was flirtatious, but never made a move.  We went on dates, but never kissed.  He traveled across the city to see me, but always went home separately.  When I asked him what was going on, he informed me that while he was attracted to me, he felt like what he really needed were friends.  (He doesn’t have a lot of friends.  He counts them at five total.)  So I dropped it.  I took him places I wanted a handsome companion.  He helped me unpack when I finally left River North and moved in with a roommate to whom I wasn’t too attracted.  And then slept on the couch every time that roommate went out of town – and proudly called himself my babysitter.  He came to a wedding with me in October, after which he texted me he wanted to kiss me but I was too busy complaining how tired I was and invited himself over even though he knew my night creams were already on.  I said no…my night creams are on.  His sister came to town and he wanted me to meet her.  He got sad when our hangouts came to an end and started texting me novels about all the things he liked about me.  He has told me every day since we started dating he was afraid of me then.  I ignored it all; I was over it.  We were friends.  

On January 14, I went to a wedding alone.  There, was we’ll call him Charlie because that’s his name.  Charlie and I make out every time we are together.  We’ve never seen each other with our pants off.  We semi-dated for a while years ago, but he never fails to inform me though he enjoys my company, I drive him crazy and he doesn’t see any long-term potential.  Charlie thinks I am dying to date him.  Charlie wanted to go out after the wedding and make out later, I wanted to go home and make out now.  Charlie went out.  I got mad and texted Jordan, a sure thing, from a cab at 1:30 am, “Come over.”

I’ve never talked to anyone like that in my life.  Inviting someone over at 1:30 in the morning?  Too forward.  Inviting someone over ever?  Desperate.  Forcing myself into someone’s life like this?  Tragic.  

He says he’s never gotten out of bed faster.  He slept over every night that week; we made out with some light finger-banging.  He hates that phrasing.  I told him it would take me longer to be comfortable doing other things.  (I have touched fewer peens than he has friends).  He said he really didn’t care.  The next Monday morning, home sick from work and muted on a conference call, wearing a cat nightgown my aunt had sent me for my birthday, I lost my virginity.  That Friday, he moved to LA.  Depending on whom you ask, we have, more or less, been dating long-distance since then.

With Jordan, I say how I feel.  And how I feel is sexy, for the first time ever, okay in my body for the first time ever, emotionally safe for the first time ever, vulnerable.  I tell him I like him and we talk about our feelings and sometimes I even call him my boyfriend, though the word tastes strange coming out of my mouth.

Sometimes, I cry after sex.  Somewhere between my all-girl school and my overbearing parents, I ended up with messed-up feelings about sex.  Sometimes, I feel shame and embarrassment.  I liked that people knew I was an elder-virgin because there was nothing to be embarrassed about.  I could talk about it endlessly, but it was still somehow private.  Knowing people know I have sex fills me with a nausea I have trouble describing to people.  So, sometimes, after sex, I cry.

I like having sex with Jordan; I like feeling close to him and I like when he cums because it makes me feel like a damn woman, and I like when he touches my stomach.  I’ve never let anyone touch my stomach before.  I like how obsessed with making me cum he is and I like the funny look on his face when he’s thrusting.  I like that he calls my privates Narnia (because nobody else has been there) and that he says I have a Librarian’s Orgasm (I am silent during sex).  But sometimes, sex makes me feel shame.

Sometimes, I feel naïve when I try to enjoy sex, like what do I know?  Like I don’t have enough experience to talk about sex like an adult.  It makes me nervous, like people think it’s “adorable,” not normal.  Like when a little kid learns their first song on the piano and you pat them on the head and tell them good job. That because I am old and it is new, it will never be normal, it will always be juvenile.  But Jordan is patient with me and we talk about sex.  I’ve never talked about sex with a guy like this before.

With other people, if we did anything but make out, I could no longer look them in the eye.  But with Jordan, I look at him before, during, and after.

It’s September now and we fight all the time.  And I’m afraid it will never happen for me.

We fight like we’re trying to save our marriage for the sake of the kids.  I have been on a million dates, I’ve used all the apps, I’ve even “dated” someone for a couple weeks, but I’ve never felt the way I do right now.  And that scares me.  I am 31-years-old and in my first relationship ever.  And I’m afraid it will never happen for me.

#narnia #relationships #firsts #fears #intimacy #eldervirgin #breakup #alone

[leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid]

Divas of Storytelling Challenge

To celebrate my reaching 5K / 2 year anniversary on Tumblr and @kitchenwitchsuperwhovian reaching 300 followers we’d like to host a challenge near and dear to our hearts. A music challenge featuring female artists. These women tell stories with their music and what better way to honor them but to write some Supernatural fan fiction!

Rules:

Don’t have to be following me or Sandi but it's cool if you would

The song MUST inspire the story. It CAN NOT just be playing in the background. These women are telling a story in their song, make it into a story with character/actors from the show.

1 song  2 songs per-person and no repeats. Please send an ASK to myself or Sandi with your song choice as well as a back up. (You do not have to tell us who you are writing unless you’d like to.)

Can be any character, actor, insert or ship. Go crazy, write whatever the song inspires. Angst, fluff, smut, crack, or any combo of those things are welcome. Let the song lead you, be creative, rock it!

Feel free to use with any other challenge but please do not use it in a series unless it is the first part. One shots preferred but we still want you to be creative.

No word limit but please use a keep reading over 500 words.

Use proper warnings and tags!

Please use the tag #spndivas and tag Sandi (@kitchenwitchsuperwhovian) and myself (@leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid)

Due on October 31st That gives y’all 3 months to write. Please contact one of us if you need to pull out of the challenge.

List of 30 Diva’s and (154) their songs up for grabs below the cut! (And it was super hard to narrow down btw) Link to Spotify playlist to listen to your song.

Alanis Morissette

Head Over Feet

You Learn

Eight Easy Steps

Everything

Hand’s Clean

Amy Winehouse

You Know I’m No Good

Back to Black

Love is a Losing Game

Tears Dry on Their Own

Beyonce

Crazy in Love

Naughty Girl

Ring the Alarm

Irreplaceable

Halo

Best Thing I Never Had

Britney Spears

Where Are You Now

Everytime

Womanizer

If You Seek Amy

Lucky

Carrie Underwood

Wasted

All-American Girl

Just A Dream

I Told You So

Cher

I Found Someone

We All Sleep Alone

If I Could Turn Back Time

Just Like Jesse James

Heart of Stone

Strong Enough

Song for the Lonely

Christina Aguilera

I Turn to You

Fighter

Beautiful

The Voice Within

Ain’t No Other Man

Candyman

Hurt

Dixie Chicks

You Were Mine

Cowboy Take Me Away

Without You

Not Ready to Make Nice

En Vogue

Don’t Let Go (Love)

Whatever

Free Your Mind

My Lovin’ (You Never Gonna Get It)

Faith Hill  

Wild One

I Can’t Do That Anymore

Let Me Let Go

Cry

You’re Still here

Like We Never Loved At All

Fleetwood Mac/ Stevie Nicks

Landslide

Rhiannon

Go Your Own Way

Edge of Seventeen

Leather and Lace

Heart

Crazy on You

Barracuda

Alone

Magic Man

All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You

Janet Jackson

Control

Nasty

What Have You Done for Me Lately

That’s the Way love Goes

I Get Lonely

Jewel

Who Will Save Your Soul

You Were Meant For Me

Hands

The Shape of You

Katy Perry

Hot N Cold 

The One that Got Away

Teenage Dream

Wide Awake

Kelly Clarkson

The Trouble with Love is

Miss Independent

Since U Been Gone

Because of You

Never Again

Sober

Dark Side

Lady Gaga

Love Game

Bad Romance

Born This Way

A Million Reasons

‘Til It Happens to You

Madonna

Live to Tell

Take a Bow

This Used to Be My Playground

Frozen

Don’t Tell Me

Mariah Carey

My All

Heartbreaker

We Belong Together

Touch My Body

Thank God I Found You

Miranda Lambert

Kerosene

The House that Built Me

Mama’s Broken Heart

Over You

No Doubt/ Gwen Stefani

Don’t Speak

Ex-Girlfriend

Bathwater

Underneath it All

4 In the Morning

Used to Love You

Paramore

That’s What You Get

Misery Buisness

Crushcrushcrush

The Only Exception

We Are Broken

Pink

There You Go

Just Like A Pill

Who Knew

Sober

I Don’t Believe You

Try

True love

Rihanna

Unfaithful

Hate that I Love You

Take a Bow

Fire Bomb

California King Bed

Stay

Rude Boy

Salt N Pepa

Push It

Let’s Talk About Sex

Whatta Man

Shoop

Shakira

Underneath Your Clothes

Objection Tango

She Wolf

Beautiful Liar

Hips Don’t Lie

Shania Twain

Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under

From this Moment On

You’re Still The One

You’ve Got a Way

It Only Hurts When I’m Breathing

Taylor Swift

Tim McGraw

Fifteen

Back to December

I Knew You Were Trouble

Blank Space

Style

TLC

Ain’t 2 Proud 2 Beg

Read Light Special

Unpretty

Dear Lie

Damaged

Whitney Houston

I Wanna Dance With Somebody

I Will Always Love You

It’s Not Right but It’s Okay

My Love is Your Love

#spndivas #supernatural #spn #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #Castiel #jensen ackles #jared padalecki #misha collins #wincest #destiel

[instantdeerlover]

3 Conversations to Have About Sex with Your Husband added to Google Docs

3 Conversations to Have About Sex with Your Husband

In the immortal words of Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.”

Woah, hold up. Don’t close this article so quickly! Sex is an important part of every marriage—the one thing we all have, but no one seems to want to talk about. The legacy of Puritanism and buttoned-up attitudes here in the U.S. (and many other cultures) means that many people are uncomfortable talking about sex with anyone, including their partners.

Here’s the truth: the only way to have a truly great sex life is to communicate about it with your partner. You both need to be on the same page mentally and emotionally before you can knock each other’s socks off horizontally! I know it may be awkward, but here are three things you should talk about with your husband.

What You Like

We all already know that everyone’s body is different. Some of us have food allergies. Some of us have lightning-fast metabolisms. Similarly, no two people think exactly alike. Some people love dogs. Others love cats. Some think aliens don’t exist, and some are convinced they’ve seen them in the flesh (or whatever it is aliens have). Our world is filled with unique people, who each have their own bodies, minds, hearts, and personalities. Which means…most people have their own, unique sexual interests.

When you start a relationship with someone, they have no idea what’s going to excite you in bed or make you orgasm. With time (and luck) they may discover a few key points, but there’s only one person who can really unlock that secret: you! Don’t expect your husband to intuitively know what feels good for you; be upfront and let him know. A kind, yet direct, conversation about what turns you on is the fastest way for you both to become more satisfied with your love life.

When It’s Uncomfortable

Marriage is a lifetime commitment to one person. You and your husband are going to spend years together, navigating ups and downs in every aspect of your life. Your finances will go up and down. You’ll go through stressful times at work. Your bodies will age together (faster than you might expect). There will be changes around every corner—many of them great, don’t get me wrong—but sometimes, those changes will affect your libido.

It’s important for couples to continue communicating about sex throughout their marriages. Never feel obligated to have sex in a certain way or at a certain time! If you don’t feel comfortable—physically or emotionally—let your partner know right away!

Open lines of communication will prevent your sex life from becoming a pain point in your marriage. Remember, as you both get older, your interests may change (as do your abilities: just because you loved that one position on your vacation in Cabo doesn’t mean you want to try it five years later at home). Talking about what’s good and what’s not will help keep you both feeling better.

What He Needs from You

Marriage requires both give and take—or in this case, talking and listening. You have every right to tell your husband what you want in the bedroom (and what you don’t), but you also need to listen to his wants and needs. After all, you both are in this for the long haul, and you both deserve a happy sex life!

Make sure you take the time to hear what your husband has to say. If he suggests something that makes you uncomfortable, be honest with him and work together to find a compromise that makes you both happy. While the conversation may feel awkward or weird, talking about sex is a healthy and mature way to make sure both you and your spouse are healthy, happy, and satisfied with this element of your relationship.

Your husband wants you to be happy, and I’m sure you want the same for him. So, if your sex life is feeling lackluster lately, don’t be afraid to sit down and talk about it. If you do, I’m sure you’ll uncover (to paraphrase Salt-N-Pepa again), “All the good things (and no bad things) that may be.”

The post 3 Conversations to Have About Sex with Your Husband appeared first on Weddingbee.

via Weddingbee https://www.weddingbee.com/love-and-marriage/3-conversations-to-have-about-sex-with-your-husband/ Nhà hàng Hương Sen chuyên buffet hải sản cao cấp✅ Tổ chức tiệc cưới✅ Hội nghị, hội thảo✅ Tiệc lưu động✅ Sự kiện mang tầm cỡ quốc gia 52 Phố Miếu Đầm, Mễ Trì, Nam Từ Liêm, Hà Nội http://huongsen.vn/ 0904988999 http://huongsen.vn/to-chuc-tiec-hoi-nghi/ https://trello.com/userhuongsen

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[brentrogers]

Podcast: Sex Addiction, Hypersexuality, and Mental Illness

  Sex addict. Nympho. You’ve likely heard these words used for a person with hypersexuality, but what exactly is this condition? Is hypersexuality really a symptom of a mental disorder or is it just a super high libido? Where does one draw the line between liking (or loving) sex and being hypersexual? Is it similar to a drug addiction? Or a binge eating disorder? 

Join Gabe and Jackie as they tackle this often misunderstood topic and hear Gabe’s own personal experiences with hypersexuality as a debilitating symptom of his bipolar disorder.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Sex Addiction” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer-generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Jackie: Hello and welcome to this week’s Not Crazy. I would like to introduce my co-host, Gabe, who you may not know also twilights as a Santa Claus.

Gabe: And I would like to introduce my co-host, Jackie Zimmerman, who I just realized had multiple sclerosis. She always said that she had M.S. and I just assumed that it stood for Microsoft by the way she described it as horrible.

Jackie: Oh, that was terrible.

Gabe: I think it’s like a “dad joke.”

Jackie: Terrible. 

Gabe: Right. No,

Jackie: Well.

Gabe: No, you don’t like it.

Jackie: Well,

Gabe: I mean, it’s a little bit funny.

Jackie: It’s really not that funny. But you know what? We’ll go with it. And both of us forgot to say, you are bipolar. I have depression. So we’ll just throw that one out there as well.

Gabe: Yeah. Yeah. And to be fair, I am bipolar and you are depression.

Jackie: I am depression. I am. I am a little rain cloud with eyeballs wandering around, raining on people

Gabe: I love it.

Jackie: This week. Gabe, we’re talking about sex.

Gabe: Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you

Jackie: That was my first concert.

Gabe: And me.

Jackie: For the record, I was eight.

Gabe: Really? Salt-N-Pepa?

Jackie: That is not Salt-N-Pepa.

Gabe: Yeah, it is.

Jackie: I’m thinking of somebody else.

Gabe: Wow. Wow.

Jackie: We probably should cut that.

Gabe: No, no, no, we’re leaving it. We’re leaving it in.

Jackie: Damn.

Gabe: That’s in hard. Actually, that just became the outtake.

Jackie: I was thinking of I Want To Sex You Up, Color Me Badd.

Gabe: Oh, my God. You went from a group of strong, powerful black women to an awful group that nobody remembers.

Jackie: I remember them.

Gabe: You’re pushing it. You’re pushing it good.

Jackie: Ah, push it. Anyway. OK. This week we are talking about sex.

Gabe: And specifically hypersexuality. And there is this notion that sex and hypersexuality are the same thing and they are. I mean, they have things in common, but it’s a little bit like describing like a late spring rain and a hurricane as the same thing. There’s a world of difference and I don’t think people really understand that.

Jackie: I think that I don’t understand that. I will be candid that this is not a thing that I have experienced, and honestly, all that I know is these celebrities in the news who get caught cheating on their wives and they claim hypersexuality. And I don’t know. Is that true? Like, at what point do you claim, like, I’m a terrible person who’s cheating on my wife and or I have this actual addiction to sex?

Gabe: So there’s a couple of things that I want to point out there. First, this is where it gets really tough, right, to say to somebody, I don’t believe you. When they say that they have an addiction or a mental illness, like that’s dangerous, right? It’s just dangerous. I don’t know that I want to live in a world where when somebody says I’m having a mental health crisis or I’m addicted and I need help, we want to say, oh, bullshit, you just got caught and now you’re trying to weasel out of it.

Jackie: Ok, so let’s talk about this, let’s help me understand this, but also maybe help some people out there who are feeling maybe that they are living in the hypersexuality realm, but don’t know it or don’t know what to do about it. How do you know you have like an addiction to sex and you’re not just somebody who really enjoys sex?

Gabe: So full disclosure, I’ve had hypersexuality, I had hypersexuality for a long period of time. I’m also somebody with a high sex drive who enjoys having a lot of sex. And let me tell you what the biggest difference is between those two things. Wanting to have a lot of sex is very enjoyable. Sex is nice. We should just say it like it is. Sex is nice. I like having sex. People like having sex. Hypersexuality is not nice. It’s horrific. It’s an addiction. It’s a compulsion. You have to do it. There is no choice. It has to be done. It has to be done. Enjoying it is not even a factor in hypersexuality. It’s all about completing the act. The end.

Jackie: That is a sincere move because it sounds like it takes this really fun thing and makes it really un-fun, and I would imagine that can have some pretty negative effects on your life.

Gabe: It can have very negative effects on everything around you, right? Let’s go back to your celebrity example. One of the things that we noticed, like in the celebrities who get caught and then they have the addiction or they’ve had hypersexuality is one, they’re always men. We’ve never heard about females having hypersexuality or addiction in the public space. And that’s not realistic. Women do, in fact, suffer from hypersexuality. That’s like thing number one, right. Thing number two, after they get caught, you look back at their pattern and it’s always like high end scotch. Right. It’s a little bit difficult to be addicted to alcohol when somebody offers you a beer and you’re like, no, no, no, no. Oh, wait. I’m going to wait for the high end scotch. And then when you get caught drinking the high end scotch, like, oh, my God, I’m an addict. Well, but you went days at a time without drinking while pursuing high end scotch. And then when you found high end scotch, yeah, you locked yourself in the bar for the weekend, but then you were cool for another couple of weeks. Like this is a pattern that like doesn’t jive in addiction circles, but we’re kind of accepting it as the examples of hypersexuality. And these are some things that we have to be careful of. Right. Because if we tend to think of hypersexuality as having a lot of like really good sex. This is where I’m going to burst your bubble and freak everybody out. Hypersexuality often looks like chronic masturbation.

Jackie: Wow, I’m learning so much about you, Gabe.

Gabe: It’s a thing. It’s uncomfortable, right? But, Jackie, be honest and I’m not trying to put you on the spot until this moment. Did you honestly believe that I didn’t masturbate? Is that something that you think about the world when you look out at the world? Are you so naive that you’re like, no, nobody masturbates? We only make love to our partners and dedicated? No, nobody believes this. Nobody believes this yet, for whatever reason. Everybody thinks this is true, even though they know that it’s not true. And that’s sort of where hypersexuality causes a lot of problems. It butts up against what we actually know and what we’ve convinced ourselves is true. What we actually know is that people like sex. People have a lot of sex, that people desire sex. What we want to believe is that sex is only done in a committed and loving relationship and only for the purposes of procreation and putting another beautiful child into the world. It’s nonsense. It’s all nonsense. But it persists and it makes people who suffer from hypersexuality feel awful.

Jackie: So as someone who has not experienced this, I find this all to be fascinating and I have so many questions about it and what it means in your life, in your relationship and all of these things. So can I just like rapid fire questions at you?

Gabe: Hit me, hit me. We have a podcast, you know that right?

Jackie: Ok, so someone who is experiencing hypersexuality, are we talking like daily, hourly? What would quench the hypersexuality thirst?

Gabe: Nothing. Nothing. It’s going to be a little bit different for everybody. So for me at 27 times in one day didn’t do it. And those 27 times were comprised of partners, sex workers and masturbation. And at the end of the day, I did sleep like I was able to fall asleep. But when I woke up the next day, some, you know, 12, 13, 14 hours later, I don’t quite remember how long I slept. Yeah, I was right back at it.

Jackie: But is this like other addictions, whether it be to like drugs or food, even where it is all you think about you’re planning the day you’re having a fix, you’re planning your next one. Like you were saying, it is all encompassing, consuming all of your thoughts.

Gabe: Yes. Yes. It is the reason that you are alive and you are willing to do anything to meet the need. While I was in the act of satisfying hypersexuality, I was thinking about how I was gonna do it again while I was having sex. I was trying to figure out who I was going to have sex with next. I would masturbate on the way to having sex with somebody. It was uncontrollable. I’ve quit jobs. I’ve spent ridiculous amounts of money. My wife left me because I had a symptom of an illness. And that’s something that’s worthy of talking about too, like, isn’t it? You know, in sickness and in health. Like, could you imagine if I had cancer and she left me because of a cancer symptom? But back to the celebrities. People think that it’s bullshit and there’s no test. I can’t prove it. I can’t be like, no, no, no. I cheated on you because I had hypersexuality. Look, here’s the bloodwork. It sounds like an excuse. And I want to be very clear. I don’t blame my first wife for leaving me at all. I’d have left me, too. It’s that misunderstood. But I do want to focus the audience on it is a symptom. It’s an addiction. It’s a compulsion. It’s this horrible thing that’s happening to you. And as soon as it becomes public, the response from everybody around you is to call you a bad person and leave. Which means they’re probably not showing up with any help.

Jackie: Well, I would argue that’s the general response to any addiction. Honestly, I mean, not many people handle those situations very well. So in this scenario, with your first wife or with anybody, anybody in your life, really, how do you explain this to people?

Gabe: It’s very difficult to explain something that you don’t fully understand in the throes of hypersexuality. I didn’t know I completely agreed with my wife. I was a bad person who cheated on her. The end.

Jackie: Is this something that you talked to like a therapist about or is this self-diagnosed?

Gabe: I think that all illnesses are originally self diagnosed, right? There’s a reason that you go to the doctor. You think something is wrong and then you ask the doctor to fix it. You know, when we’re talking about like physical things, it’s a little easier. I’m having a headache. I’m too tired. I have this rash. I want to go away in mental health. We’re trained by society to deal with it ourselves. I’m sad. Man up. I’m anxious. Don’t be a wuss. I’m manic. Calm down. Why are you acting this way? When I was having all of this sex. This is my favorite line in this whole podcast. I’m telling you right now, I wasn’t just having a lot of sex. No, no, no, no, no. I was sowing my wild oats.

Jackie: Oh, barf.

Gabe: And that’s what I believed too. I believed that eventually I would get my shit together and stop. Also, not for nothing, young, manic Gabe, who felt like he was king of the world, having a lot of sex, especially with a lot of different women. Yeah. It made me feel powerful and mania made me feel powerful. It’s weird. Even me who knows the horrors of hypersexuality still thinks man, I wish I could get a fraction of that back. Middle age blows and this is where it’s uncomfortable, right? Because some of it seems like a talent that I like want to be a man and brag up. But most of it is is a horror show. It’s exactly like addiction where you feel so awful until you feed that addiction and then you momentarily feel better until you feel awful again. That’s what hypersexuality is like.

Jackie: You’re bipolar, we’ve talked about being manic and these things kind of going hand-in-hand. Is this a common symptom? Is it a symptom of being bipolar?

Gabe: Hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder. It’s also something that’s not uncommon in mania. Mental illness is all about something normal taken to an extreme right. Sadness is normal. Depression and feeling like you want to die. That’s an extreme and it’s an offshoot of sadness. But it also comes with garbled thoughts. Right? Like defining depression is just sadness is not really fair because sadness is normal. Mania is an offshoot of happiness. Like we want people to feel joy and elation and happiness. But obviously thinking that you are invincible and that you’re a God and that you can’t be hurt and king of the world, all of that is way too far. And, now think of sex. Wanting to have a lot of sex that could just be libido and everybody’s got a different libido. You know, some people want to have sex a couple of times a day. Some people want to have sex a couple of times a month. There’s no reason to put a label on or to declare who is right or who is wrong. You know, when you’re horny, have sex, have consensual sex or pleasure yourself, that is all really, really normal. Where it becomes dangerous is when you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t having sex to experience the pleasures of sex. I was having sex to feed the beast. I was having sex because if I didn’t, I couldn’t concentrate or focus on anything else. It was the only thing that I cared about. I would have ran a bus load of nuns off the road to get to that fix. And that’s not okay. That is not okay. And it’s incredibly dangerous. It’s incredibly dangerous.

Jackie: We’ll be right back after these messages.

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Gabe: And we’re back discussing hypersexuality.

Jackie: So is this like when you talk about times where you’ve been manic and you’re sort of just running full speed ahead? And then when it’s over, you realize you have to deal with the things that you did? Right. Like you have to maybe apologize or return a bunch of things you bought or whatever happens, you have to kind of rectify those situations. I would imagine in this situation, you probably have people in your life you need to talk to. But also, I’m assuming you’re not practicing like safe sex when this is happening. So what about the aftermath of those kinds of things?

Gabe: So there’s a few good discussion points. The thing that you said is I imagine you’re not practicing safe sex when you’re doing these things. For me personally, I was I was absolutely, unequivocally practicing safe sex because I was terrified of getting somebody pregnant and I was terrified of catching a venereal disease. Like apparently these don’t get anybody pregnant and don’t get an STD were lessons that were really pushed hard into me. And the example that I use is just because you experience psychosis doesn’t mean that you lose all of the talents that you have. People with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, people in psychosis, people in major depression episodes. If you’re a scientist and you have major depression, you still have all of that science knowledge. So even though I was hypersexual, the risks that I took, Gabe Howard, personally were minimized.

Jackie: Right. But equating it to like, let’s say somebody who is on the streets and doing heroin or something, at some point the risk of what happens if you share a needle goes out the window and you’re like, doesn’t matter, I just need to do this. So I didn’t know if at some point the risk all goes out the window based on the compulsion or if you can rationalize through it.

Gabe: That’s a really difficult question to answer. And I want to be like really, really fair here. As a man, I have a lot of control in that I can use a condom right where, you know, sometimes women don’t have as much control because it it’s tougher for women. I don’t want to speak on behalf of all women, but it’s you know, you can take birth control pills, but that doesn’t do anything for STDs. So a lot of the women that I’ve spoken to that have had hypersexuality, they’ve been so desperate that they’ll show up somewhere, the dude won’t have a condom and they’ll think, well, hell with it, I’m on the pill. But that’s only half of the equation, right, that, you know, women who want to have a lot of sex need to carry condoms because dudes suck. They just absolutely suck. But then we push up against the whole sexual debate in our country. Well, a woman who carries around condoms is a slut. That’s just wholly unfair and unreasonable. But these are the things that adds all of these layers to hypersexuality. For me, I always made sure that I had protection and this helped me a lot. There is also, again, the masturbation aspect. Fifty percent of this is not with a partner. It’s just not. And then finally, we can’t ignore the fact that I had privilege. I had money. I did hire sex workers, but they were high end sex workers. And I hate to say that I do. I’m not trying to discriminate against anybody, but I hired sex workers who owned cars, had agencies, drove their cars to my house. It’s that that’s just it is different and it’s not fair, but it’s different.

Jackie: Ok, so going back in time, you are in this spell of hypersexuality, will say, two questions. How does it end and how do you prevent it from happening again? Or do you want to prevent it from happening again?

Gabe: Those are two really, really good questions. I’m going to answer the second one first. Yes, you absolutely want to prevent it from happening again, because when you’re having regular sex, sex with an engaged partner, sex that you want to have it. It’s so good. Sex is good. I can’t be more clear that sex is a wonderful thing. I’m trying desperately not to say that sex is a beautiful act between two people who love each other because it conjures up

Jackie: But it is. It is.

Gabe: But, I don’t want people to think that I’m talking about lights off missionary sex. No, you can have any kind of sex you want with a consenting adult. And what you and your partner like, especially when you’ve discussed it and you’re sexually compatible, like that’s amazing. And it’s one of the best parts of the world. This is not the kind of sex that people with hypersexuality get, just like in binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder for most people is not going to a five star French restaurant with all of the servers who wear the tuxedos. No, it’s going to the buffet. The low quality buffet, all you can eat for five dollars and shoveling as much food as humanly possible into your mouth until you vomit. That’s what binge eating disorder looks like. So anybody that said, well, isn’t binge eating disorder great? You get to have all the food that you want? Yeah, we would all acknowledge that that person’s a moron. So anybody that says, well, isn’t hypersexuality great? You get to have all of the sex that you want. Yeah. Yeah. It’s the $5 buffet. It’s not quality. It’s

Jackie: Well,

Gabe: Not good. And it doesn’t make you feel good. And eventually you probably throw up.

Jackie: Too much of anything is bad. Literally across the board. I would argue too much of anything is bad.

Gabe: This applies to almost anything, and the first question is how does it end, like so many things with mental illness and especially with bipolar disorder? It ends because you cycle out of it like everything with mental illness and bipolar disorder on that spectrum, you just end up in a different place and you look back and you’re just like, oh, my God, how did this happen? Who do I have to call? What ex-girlfriend did I call up? How much money did I spend? And when I say how much money did I spend? There’s all kinds of ways to spend money surrounding sex, going to bars and buying drinks, buying people drugs is a real popular way to get laid. It’s the underbelly of bipolar, I guess. But I had money and resources, so I kept a group of basically sycophants around me who were willing to mooch off of me and occasionally have sex with me. That all makes you feel really awful. It’s just not good. It’s not what you want. It’s not the type of reflection on your weekend that you want to have. It’s just not. And in some cases, I’ve lost jobs over this. I’ve lost friendships because, you know, if my buddy’s girlfriend consents, I’m not going to talk her out of its end. These are real realities and problems. And I think that anybody who’s dated a lot has people in their lives that they really just need to cut off because they’re toxic and calling that person because you know, that they’re a quote unquote, sure thing. That’s a way to bring that toxicity back into your life and to remove all of the boundaries that you’ve created. And finally, it just feels awful. It’s awful. It takes a good thing and destroys it. And it has real ramifications for the rest of your life. My first wife left because of hypersexuality, and I don’t begrudge her for it at all. But I lost an entire marriage due to this symptom and other symptoms. But this symptom was a big one.

Jackie: Gabe, you mentioned anyone who can consent as somebody who is a candidate when you were hypersexual. Is there some aspect of people who are not consenting, who are sort of victims of people who are using hypersexuality as the causation of what happened?

Gabe: This is another one of those areas where it’s really, really tough, right? Because if you look at legal defenses, sometimes the perpetrator will say it’s not my fault. I was hypersexual and that’s what led to the inappropriate sexual behavior or the sexual assault. One, this is another one of those areas where data is hard to find. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of sexual assaults. And when I say sexual assault, I’m talking rape that occurs because of hyper sexuality. You don’t lose your morals because you’re hypersexual. I can’t say unequivocally that hypersexuality has never led to a sexual assault. I can’t. And I’m not trying to say that. But what I can say is that Gabe Howard unequivocally never had issues with this with hypersexuality in all of the years that I had it, because again, even though I was hypersexual, I still understood consent. I looked for strong yeses. I was very, very careful that I didn’t abuse anybody because that is a value of mine and that is important to me.

Jackie: Gabe, can you give any tips or advice for somebody who may be experiencing hypersexuality right now, like what can they do to make this better, make this go away or just get through it or lock themselves in the room and board up the windows? Like, how do you make it through this safely, but also without blowing up your whole life?

Gabe: Go to a doctor, go to the emergency room if you have to, go to your general practitioner, tell somebody immediately. You kept using the example of other addictions. Yeah, that that’s how it works, right? If you are addicted to drugs and alcohol, if you are addicted to food, if you are addicted to sex, you have to get help. This whole mind over matter idea is not going to work. I know that there are, you know, sex addicts anonymous groups and I’ve heard good things about them. Therapy is something that can help. For me, getting diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder helped tremendously. Now that I have a solid, solid supports and treatment for bipolar disorder, hypersexuality is completely gone. It is a thing of the complete past. It is just a symptom that I watch out for. And now I can enjoy sex like a regular person. That’s like the pay rate. But yeah, you’d need to tell somebody. We have to get over this idea that every medical thing that happens to us we can solve on our own. Stop it. Stop it. Ask for help. Period. Ask for help now before you do real damage to your life.

Jackie: If this episode has spoken to you, if you are experiencing this, know, that one, you’re not alone in this. Obviously, Gabe can relate to this, can give you some good advice. But take that first step. Talk to a doctor or seek treatment. Get this out of your system in a healthy way and continue to work through this. To get to a point in your life where maybe this is no longer something you have to worry about.

Gabe: And the bonus is you get to enjoy sex again. I cannot be more clear how much this has changed my life getting treated for this symptom, and I cannot be more clear that while it was going on, I didn’t know it was going on. So if you suspect it. Get it checked out.

Jackie: Thanks, everybody, for tuning in, here’s what I’d like you to do. Subscribe to the podcast. Like the podcast. Share the podcast. Rate the podcast. Review the podcast. Do all the things that tell us that you like what we’re doing. And don’t forget to stick around to the end of this whole shindig because there is an outtake. I’m just gonna say this week’s probably gonna be a good one.

Gabe: See ya.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

Podcast: Sex Addiction, Hypersexuality, and Mental Illness syndicated from

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Podcast: Sex Addiction, Hypersexuality, and Mental Illness

  Sex addict. Nympho. You’ve likely heard these words used for a person with hypersexuality, but what exactly is this condition? Is hypersexuality really a symptom of a mental disorder or is it just a super high libido? Where does one draw the line between liking (or loving) sex and being hypersexual? Is it similar to a drug addiction? Or a binge eating disorder? 

Join Gabe and Jackie as they tackle this often misunderstood topic and hear Gabe’s own personal experiences with hypersexuality as a debilitating symptom of his bipolar disorder.

(Transcript Available Below)

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

About The Not Crazy Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from Gabe Howard. To learn more, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

        Jackie Zimmerman has been in the patient advocacy game for over a decade and has established herself as an authority on chronic illness, patient-centric healthcare, and patient community building. She lives with multiple sclerosis, ulcerative colitis, and depression.

You can find her online at JackieZimmerman.co, Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn.

    Computer Generated Transcript for “Sex Addiction” Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer-generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to Not Crazy, a Psych Central podcast. And here are your hosts, Jackie Zimmerman and Gabe Howard.

Jackie: Hello and welcome to this week’s Not Crazy. I would like to introduce my co-host, Gabe, who you may not know also twilights as a Santa Claus.

Gabe: And I would like to introduce my co-host, Jackie Zimmerman, who I just realized had multiple sclerosis. She always said that she had M.S. and I just assumed that it stood for Microsoft by the way she described it as horrible.

Jackie: Oh, that was terrible.

Gabe: I think it’s like a “dad joke.”

Jackie: Terrible. 

Gabe: Right. No,

Jackie: Well.

Gabe: No, you don’t like it.

Jackie: Well,

Gabe: I mean, it’s a little bit funny.

Jackie: It’s really not that funny. But you know what? We’ll go with it. And both of us forgot to say, you are bipolar. I have depression. So we’ll just throw that one out there as well.

Gabe: Yeah. Yeah. And to be fair, I am bipolar and you are depression.

Jackie: I am depression. I am. I am a little rain cloud with eyeballs wandering around, raining on people

Gabe: I love it.

Jackie: This week. Gabe, we’re talking about sex.

Gabe: Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you

Jackie: That was my first concert.

Gabe: And me.

Jackie: For the record, I was eight.

Gabe: Really? Salt-N-Pepa?

Jackie: That is not Salt-N-Pepa.

Gabe: Yeah, it is.

Jackie: I’m thinking of somebody else.

Gabe: Wow. Wow.

Jackie: We probably should cut that.

Gabe: No, no, no, we’re leaving it. We’re leaving it in.

Jackie: Damn.

Gabe: That’s in hard. Actually, that just became the outtake.

Jackie: I was thinking of I Want To Sex You Up, Color Me Badd.

Gabe: Oh, my God. You went from a group of strong, powerful black women to an awful group that nobody remembers.

Jackie: I remember them.

Gabe: You’re pushing it. You’re pushing it good.

Jackie: Ah, push it. Anyway. OK. This week we are talking about sex.

Gabe: And specifically hypersexuality. And there is this notion that sex and hypersexuality are the same thing and they are. I mean, they have things in common, but it’s a little bit like describing like a late spring rain and a hurricane as the same thing. There’s a world of difference and I don’t think people really understand that.

Jackie: I think that I don’t understand that. I will be candid that this is not a thing that I have experienced, and honestly, all that I know is these celebrities in the news who get caught cheating on their wives and they claim hypersexuality. And I don’t know. Is that true? Like, at what point do you claim, like, I’m a terrible person who’s cheating on my wife and or I have this actual addiction to sex?

Gabe: So there’s a couple of things that I want to point out there. First, this is where it gets really tough, right, to say to somebody, I don’t believe you. When they say that they have an addiction or a mental illness, like that’s dangerous, right? It’s just dangerous. I don’t know that I want to live in a world where when somebody says I’m having a mental health crisis or I’m addicted and I need help, we want to say, oh, bullshit, you just got caught and now you’re trying to weasel out of it.

Jackie: Ok, so let’s talk about this, let’s help me understand this, but also maybe help some people out there who are feeling maybe that they are living in the hypersexuality realm, but don’t know it or don’t know what to do about it. How do you know you have like an addiction to sex and you’re not just somebody who really enjoys sex?

Gabe: So full disclosure, I’ve had hypersexuality, I had hypersexuality for a long period of time. I’m also somebody with a high sex drive who enjoys having a lot of sex. And let me tell you what the biggest difference is between those two things. Wanting to have a lot of sex is very enjoyable. Sex is nice. We should just say it like it is. Sex is nice. I like having sex. People like having sex. Hypersexuality is not nice. It’s horrific. It’s an addiction. It’s a compulsion. You have to do it. There is no choice. It has to be done. It has to be done. Enjoying it is not even a factor in hypersexuality. It’s all about completing the act. The end.

Jackie: That is a sincere move because it sounds like it takes this really fun thing and makes it really un-fun, and I would imagine that can have some pretty negative effects on your life.

Gabe: It can have very negative effects on everything around you, right? Let’s go back to your celebrity example. One of the things that we noticed, like in the celebrities who get caught and then they have the addiction or they’ve had hypersexuality is one, they’re always men. We’ve never heard about females having hypersexuality or addiction in the public space. And that’s not realistic. Women do, in fact, suffer from hypersexuality. That’s like thing number one, right. Thing number two, after they get caught, you look back at their pattern and it’s always like high end scotch. Right. It’s a little bit difficult to be addicted to alcohol when somebody offers you a beer and you’re like, no, no, no, no. Oh, wait. I’m going to wait for the high end scotch. And then when you get caught drinking the high end scotch, like, oh, my God, I’m an addict. Well, but you went days at a time without drinking while pursuing high end scotch. And then when you found high end scotch, yeah, you locked yourself in the bar for the weekend, but then you were cool for another couple of weeks. Like this is a pattern that like doesn’t jive in addiction circles, but we’re kind of accepting it as the examples of hypersexuality. And these are some things that we have to be careful of. Right. Because if we tend to think of hypersexuality as having a lot of like really good sex. This is where I’m going to burst your bubble and freak everybody out. Hypersexuality often looks like chronic masturbation.

Jackie: Wow, I’m learning so much about you, Gabe.

Gabe: It’s a thing. It’s uncomfortable, right? But, Jackie, be honest and I’m not trying to put you on the spot until this moment. Did you honestly believe that I didn’t masturbate? Is that something that you think about the world when you look out at the world? Are you so naive that you’re like, no, nobody masturbates? We only make love to our partners and dedicated? No, nobody believes this. Nobody believes this yet, for whatever reason. Everybody thinks this is true, even though they know that it’s not true. And that’s sort of where hypersexuality causes a lot of problems. It butts up against what we actually know and what we’ve convinced ourselves is true. What we actually know is that people like sex. People have a lot of sex, that people desire sex. What we want to believe is that sex is only done in a committed and loving relationship and only for the purposes of procreation and putting another beautiful child into the world. It’s nonsense. It’s all nonsense. But it persists and it makes people who suffer from hypersexuality feel awful.

Jackie: So as someone who has not experienced this, I find this all to be fascinating and I have so many questions about it and what it means in your life, in your relationship and all of these things. So can I just like rapid fire questions at you?

Gabe: Hit me, hit me. We have a podcast, you know that right?

Jackie: Ok, so someone who is experiencing hypersexuality, are we talking like daily, hourly? What would quench the hypersexuality thirst?

Gabe: Nothing. Nothing. It’s going to be a little bit different for everybody. So for me at 27 times in one day didn’t do it. And those 27 times were comprised of partners, sex workers and masturbation. And at the end of the day, I did sleep like I was able to fall asleep. But when I woke up the next day, some, you know, 12, 13, 14 hours later, I don’t quite remember how long I slept. Yeah, I was right back at it.

Jackie: But is this like other addictions, whether it be to like drugs or food, even where it is all you think about you’re planning the day you’re having a fix, you’re planning your next one. Like you were saying, it is all encompassing, consuming all of your thoughts.

Gabe: Yes. Yes. It is the reason that you are alive and you are willing to do anything to meet the need. While I was in the act of satisfying hypersexuality, I was thinking about how I was gonna do it again while I was having sex. I was trying to figure out who I was going to have sex with next. I would masturbate on the way to having sex with somebody. It was uncontrollable. I’ve quit jobs. I’ve spent ridiculous amounts of money. My wife left me because I had a symptom of an illness. And that’s something that’s worthy of talking about too, like, isn’t it? You know, in sickness and in health. Like, could you imagine if I had cancer and she left me because of a cancer symptom? But back to the celebrities. People think that it’s bullshit and there’s no test. I can’t prove it. I can’t be like, no, no, no. I cheated on you because I had hypersexuality. Look, here’s the bloodwork. It sounds like an excuse. And I want to be very clear. I don’t blame my first wife for leaving me at all. I’d have left me, too. It’s that misunderstood. But I do want to focus the audience on it is a symptom. It’s an addiction. It’s a compulsion. It’s this horrible thing that’s happening to you. And as soon as it becomes public, the response from everybody around you is to call you a bad person and leave. Which means they’re probably not showing up with any help.

Jackie: Well, I would argue that’s the general response to any addiction. Honestly, I mean, not many people handle those situations very well. So in this scenario, with your first wife or with anybody, anybody in your life, really, how do you explain this to people?

Gabe: It’s very difficult to explain something that you don’t fully understand in the throes of hypersexuality. I didn’t know I completely agreed with my wife. I was a bad person who cheated on her. The end.

Jackie: Is this something that you talked to like a therapist about or is this self-diagnosed?

Gabe: I think that all illnesses are originally self diagnosed, right? There’s a reason that you go to the doctor. You think something is wrong and then you ask the doctor to fix it. You know, when we’re talking about like physical things, it’s a little easier. I’m having a headache. I’m too tired. I have this rash. I want to go away in mental health. We’re trained by society to deal with it ourselves. I’m sad. Man up. I’m anxious. Don’t be a wuss. I’m manic. Calm down. Why are you acting this way? When I was having all of this sex. This is my favorite line in this whole podcast. I’m telling you right now, I wasn’t just having a lot of sex. No, no, no, no, no. I was sowing my wild oats.

Jackie: Oh, barf.

Gabe: And that’s what I believed too. I believed that eventually I would get my shit together and stop. Also, not for nothing, young, manic Gabe, who felt like he was king of the world, having a lot of sex, especially with a lot of different women. Yeah. It made me feel powerful and mania made me feel powerful. It’s weird. Even me who knows the horrors of hypersexuality still thinks man, I wish I could get a fraction of that back. Middle age blows and this is where it’s uncomfortable, right? Because some of it seems like a talent that I like want to be a man and brag up. But most of it is is a horror show. It’s exactly like addiction where you feel so awful until you feed that addiction and then you momentarily feel better until you feel awful again. That’s what hypersexuality is like.

Jackie: You’re bipolar, we’ve talked about being manic and these things kind of going hand-in-hand. Is this a common symptom? Is it a symptom of being bipolar?

Gabe: Hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar disorder. It’s also something that’s not uncommon in mania. Mental illness is all about something normal taken to an extreme right. Sadness is normal. Depression and feeling like you want to die. That’s an extreme and it’s an offshoot of sadness. But it also comes with garbled thoughts. Right? Like defining depression is just sadness is not really fair because sadness is normal. Mania is an offshoot of happiness. Like we want people to feel joy and elation and happiness. But obviously thinking that you are invincible and that you’re a God and that you can’t be hurt and king of the world, all of that is way too far. And, now think of sex. Wanting to have a lot of sex that could just be libido and everybody’s got a different libido. You know, some people want to have sex a couple of times a day. Some people want to have sex a couple of times a month. There’s no reason to put a label on or to declare who is right or who is wrong. You know, when you’re horny, have sex, have consensual sex or pleasure yourself, that is all really, really normal. Where it becomes dangerous is when you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t having sex to experience the pleasures of sex. I was having sex to feed the beast. I was having sex because if I didn’t, I couldn’t concentrate or focus on anything else. It was the only thing that I cared about. I would have ran a bus load of nuns off the road to get to that fix. And that’s not okay. That is not okay. And it’s incredibly dangerous. It’s incredibly dangerous.

Jackie: We’ll be right back after these messages.

Announcer: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: And we’re back discussing hypersexuality.

Jackie: So is this like when you talk about times where you’ve been manic and you’re sort of just running full speed ahead? And then when it’s over, you realize you have to deal with the things that you did? Right. Like you have to maybe apologize or return a bunch of things you bought or whatever happens, you have to kind of rectify those situations. I would imagine in this situation, you probably have people in your life you need to talk to. But also, I’m assuming you’re not practicing like safe sex when this is happening. So what about the aftermath of those kinds of things?

Gabe: So there’s a few good discussion points. The thing that you said is I imagine you’re not practicing safe sex when you’re doing these things. For me personally, I was I was absolutely, unequivocally practicing safe sex because I was terrified of getting somebody pregnant and I was terrified of catching a venereal disease. Like apparently these don’t get anybody pregnant and don’t get an STD were lessons that were really pushed hard into me. And the example that I use is just because you experience psychosis doesn’t mean that you lose all of the talents that you have. People with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, people in psychosis, people in major depression episodes. If you’re a scientist and you have major depression, you still have all of that science knowledge. So even though I was hypersexual, the risks that I took, Gabe Howard, personally were minimized.

Jackie: Right. But equating it to like, let’s say somebody who is on the streets and doing heroin or something, at some point the risk of what happens if you share a needle goes out the window and you’re like, doesn’t matter, I just need to do this. So I didn’t know if at some point the risk all goes out the window based on the compulsion or if you can rationalize through it.

Gabe: That’s a really difficult question to answer. And I want to be like really, really fair here. As a man, I have a lot of control in that I can use a condom right where, you know, sometimes women don’t have as much control because it it’s tougher for women. I don’t want to speak on behalf of all women, but it’s you know, you can take birth control pills, but that doesn’t do anything for STDs. So a lot of the women that I’ve spoken to that have had hypersexuality, they’ve been so desperate that they’ll show up somewhere, the dude won’t have a condom and they’ll think, well, hell with it, I’m on the pill. But that’s only half of the equation, right, that, you know, women who want to have a lot of sex need to carry condoms because dudes suck. They just absolutely suck. But then we push up against the whole sexual debate in our country. Well, a woman who carries around condoms is a slut. That’s just wholly unfair and unreasonable. But these are the things that adds all of these layers to hypersexuality. For me, I always made sure that I had protection and this helped me a lot. There is also, again, the masturbation aspect. Fifty percent of this is not with a partner. It’s just not. And then finally, we can’t ignore the fact that I had privilege. I had money. I did hire sex workers, but they were high end sex workers. And I hate to say that I do. I’m not trying to discriminate against anybody, but I hired sex workers who owned cars, had agencies, drove their cars to my house. It’s that that’s just it is different and it’s not fair, but it’s different.

Jackie: Ok, so going back in time, you are in this spell of hypersexuality, will say, two questions. How does it end and how do you prevent it from happening again? Or do you want to prevent it from happening again?

Gabe: Those are two really, really good questions. I’m going to answer the second one first. Yes, you absolutely want to prevent it from happening again, because when you’re having regular sex, sex with an engaged partner, sex that you want to have it. It’s so good. Sex is good. I can’t be more clear that sex is a wonderful thing. I’m trying desperately not to say that sex is a beautiful act between two people who love each other because it conjures up

Jackie: But it is. It is.

Gabe: But, I don’t want people to think that I’m talking about lights off missionary sex. No, you can have any kind of sex you want with a consenting adult. And what you and your partner like, especially when you’ve discussed it and you’re sexually compatible, like that’s amazing. And it’s one of the best parts of the world. This is not the kind of sex that people with hypersexuality get, just like in binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder for most people is not going to a five star French restaurant with all of the servers who wear the tuxedos. No, it’s going to the buffet. The low quality buffet, all you can eat for five dollars and shoveling as much food as humanly possible into your mouth until you vomit. That’s what binge eating disorder looks like. So anybody that said, well, isn’t binge eating disorder great? You get to have all the food that you want? Yeah, we would all acknowledge that that person’s a moron. So anybody that says, well, isn’t hypersexuality great? You get to have all of the sex that you want. Yeah. Yeah. It’s the $5 buffet. It’s not quality. It’s

Jackie: Well,

Gabe: Not good. And it doesn’t make you feel good. And eventually you probably throw up.

Jackie: Too much of anything is bad. Literally across the board. I would argue too much of anything is bad.

Gabe: This applies to almost anything, and the first question is how does it end, like so many things with mental illness and especially with bipolar disorder? It ends because you cycle out of it like everything with mental illness and bipolar disorder on that spectrum, you just end up in a different place and you look back and you’re just like, oh, my God, how did this happen? Who do I have to call? What ex-girlfriend did I call up? How much money did I spend? And when I say how much money did I spend? There’s all kinds of ways to spend money surrounding sex, going to bars and buying drinks, buying people drugs is a real popular way to get laid. It’s the underbelly of bipolar, I guess. But I had money and resources, so I kept a group of basically sycophants around me who were willing to mooch off of me and occasionally have sex with me. That all makes you feel really awful. It’s just not good. It’s not what you want. It’s not the type of reflection on your weekend that you want to have. It’s just not. And in some cases, I’ve lost jobs over this. I’ve lost friendships because, you know, if my buddy’s girlfriend consents, I’m not going to talk her out of its end. These are real realities and problems. And I think that anybody who’s dated a lot has people in their lives that they really just need to cut off because they’re toxic and calling that person because you know, that they’re a quote unquote, sure thing. That’s a way to bring that toxicity back into your life and to remove all of the boundaries that you’ve created. And finally, it just feels awful. It’s awful. It takes a good thing and destroys it. And it has real ramifications for the rest of your life. My first wife left because of hypersexuality, and I don’t begrudge her for it at all. But I lost an entire marriage due to this symptom and other symptoms. But this symptom was a big one.

Jackie: Gabe, you mentioned anyone who can consent as somebody who is a candidate when you were hypersexual. Is there some aspect of people who are not consenting, who are sort of victims of people who are using hypersexuality as the causation of what happened?

Gabe: This is another one of those areas where it’s really, really tough, right? Because if you look at legal defenses, sometimes the perpetrator will say it’s not my fault. I was hypersexual and that’s what led to the inappropriate sexual behavior or the sexual assault. One, this is another one of those areas where data is hard to find. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of sexual assaults. And when I say sexual assault, I’m talking rape that occurs because of hyper sexuality. You don’t lose your morals because you’re hypersexual. I can’t say unequivocally that hypersexuality has never led to a sexual assault. I can’t. And I’m not trying to say that. But what I can say is that Gabe Howard unequivocally never had issues with this with hypersexuality in all of the years that I had it, because again, even though I was hypersexual, I still understood consent. I looked for strong yeses. I was very, very careful that I didn’t abuse anybody because that is a value of mine and that is important to me.

Jackie: Gabe, can you give any tips or advice for somebody who may be experiencing hypersexuality right now, like what can they do to make this better, make this go away or just get through it or lock themselves in the room and board up the windows? Like, how do you make it through this safely, but also without blowing up your whole life?

Gabe: Go to a doctor, go to the emergency room if you have to, go to your general practitioner, tell somebody immediately. You kept using the example of other addictions. Yeah, that that’s how it works, right? If you are addicted to drugs and alcohol, if you are addicted to food, if you are addicted to sex, you have to get help. This whole mind over matter idea is not going to work. I know that there are, you know, sex addicts anonymous groups and I’ve heard good things about them. Therapy is something that can help. For me, getting diagnosed and treated for bipolar disorder helped tremendously. Now that I have a solid, solid supports and treatment for bipolar disorder, hypersexuality is completely gone. It is a thing of the complete past. It is just a symptom that I watch out for. And now I can enjoy sex like a regular person. That’s like the pay rate. But yeah, you’d need to tell somebody. We have to get over this idea that every medical thing that happens to us we can solve on our own. Stop it. Stop it. Ask for help. Period. Ask for help now before you do real damage to your life.

Jackie: If this episode has spoken to you, if you are experiencing this, know, that one, you’re not alone in this. Obviously, Gabe can relate to this, can give you some good advice. But take that first step. Talk to a doctor or seek treatment. Get this out of your system in a healthy way and continue to work through this. To get to a point in your life where maybe this is no longer something you have to worry about.

Gabe: And the bonus is you get to enjoy sex again. I cannot be more clear how much this has changed my life getting treated for this symptom, and I cannot be more clear that while it was going on, I didn’t know it was going on. So if you suspect it. Get it checked out.

Jackie: Thanks, everybody, for tuning in, here’s what I’d like you to do. Subscribe to the podcast. Like the podcast. Share the podcast. Rate the podcast. Review the podcast. Do all the things that tell us that you like what we’re doing. And don’t forget to stick around to the end of this whole shindig because there is an outtake. I’m just gonna say this week’s probably gonna be a good one.

Gabe: See ya.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to Not Crazy from Psych Central. For free mental health resources and online support groups, visit PsychCentral.com. Not Crazy’s official website is PsychCentral.com/NotCrazy. To work with Gabe, go to gabehoward.com. To work with Jackie, go to JackieZimmerman.co. Not Crazy travels well. Have Gabe and Jackie record an episode live at your next event. E-mail [email protected] for details.

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Podcast: Hypersexuality with a Bipolar and Schizophrenic



Hypersexuality is a very common symptom of bipolar mania and a potential symptom of schizophrenia, as well. Both Gabe and Michelle have experienced being hypersexual, but because of their ages and genders, it manifested itself in different ways.

However, their personal differences aside, there is one thing that both our hosts completely agree on. . .  Listen now to find out.

  SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“Hypersexuality is not a good thing. It was a need that I had to fill.” – Gabe Howard

  Highlights From ‘Hypersexuality’’ Episode

[1:40] What is the correct definition of hypersexuality?

[4:30] The history of sex as we understand it.

[6:45] Why hypersexuality is not a good thing.

[10:00] Being hypersexual in the digital age.

[12:30] Gabe & Michelle explain Sex Bingo.

[16:30] Is hypersexuality a compulsion, like addiction?

[22:00] It’s important to have sex safe, no matter what.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Hypersexuality with a Bipolar and Schizophrenic’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: [00:00:07] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic, and A Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:18] You’re listening to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic, and A Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard. I have bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:23] Hi, I’m Michelle, I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:26] And today we’re going to talk about sex.

Michelle: [00:00:28] Sex? I don’t know if it is gay. What is that? Is this sex ed?

Gabe: [00:00:32] I think that it’s funny that you’re already uncomfortable. The great Michelle Hammer is not uncomfortable about anything, anything until two things happen. A microphone flips on and you think that your mom might be listening.

Michelle: [00:00:46] When I learned sex ed in fifth grade, that video showed me where I was going to grow hair.

Gabe: [00:00:51] Oh, my God. That I… You have left me speechless. You know,… this… it’s…We’re going to talk a lot about specifically hypersexuality, because it’s one of those things that a lot of people with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, it happens. It’s a part of mania. It’s a part of delusional thinking. It’s something that feels good and then gets twisted, which is mental illness’ is specialty.

Michelle: [00:01:14] I hope you don’t start twisting when you have sex. I hope nothing gets twisted when you start having sex. I don’t want anything twisting on you.

Gabe: [00:01:21] Listen, the way that I have sex is my personal business.

Michelle: [00:01:24] Fine, twist it up. You know, when it when it hangs low tie it in a knot and tie it in a bow. Hang it over your shoulder.

Gabe: [00:01:29] I wish people could see how uncomfortable Michelle is. She is she is as red as my hair right now. Before we talk about hypersexuality too much, we should define it using real words.

Michelle: [00:01:44] OK.

Gabe: [00:01:44] Hypersexuality is defined as a dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual fantasy, often in combination with the obsessive pursuit of casual or non intimate sex, pornography, compulsive masturbation, romantic intensity and objectified partner sex for a period of at least six months. Even its definition doesn’t sound sexy. Yet, people think that it does sound sexy because people think that hypersexuality simply means lots of sex. And it just doesn’t.

Michelle: [00:02:12] It doesn’t.

Gabe: [00:02:13] It doesn’t. But we should also cover what hypersexuality is not. It’s not looking at porn. That doesn’t make you hypersexual. It’s not engaging in fetishes or being aroused by things that maybe you consider to be atypical. It’s not homosexuality. It’s not being bisexual. That’s not hypersexuality, that’s not sexual addiction. That’s none of the things that we’re talking about. Hypersexuality is when you use sex to really regulate your emotions and your feelings. If you have a bad day, you have to have sex. And that’s not normal. Most people don’t consistently utilize sexual arousal as a means of feeling better when having a bad day. Healthy people reach out to friends and their family members for support when they’re upset. If you get upset and the first thing you want is sex, if you have a bad day and the first thing that you want is sex, if you have a good day and the first thing that you want is sex. If all of your high or low emotions, your extreme emotions, are driving you to have sex. That’s what hypersexuality is. We’re going to go off on the biggest tangent the show has ever had. We’re just gonna forget that we’re mentally ill.

Michelle: [00:03:17] Oh, God. Okay.

Gabe: [00:03:17] What is it about sex that makes our society just, I mean, we literally use scantily clad women to sell gum. But talking about sex makes almost everybody uncomfortable. Like, what’s up with that?

Michelle: [00:03:30] I don’t really know what’s up with that. It’s something you’re not supposed to talk about sex. But, we all know what was it? What was that? Salt-N-Pepa? Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. I mean, it obviously has been a problem for a long time if a son had to talk about it.

Gabe: [00:03:45] That’s fair. And that song is like really like you’ve dated me. Like I was in high school when that song came out

Michelle: [00:03:50] I was like in elementary school, or younger, or a fetus. I don’t even know.

Gabe: [00:03:54] I’m picturing like a nine year old Michelle Hammer sing Salt-N_Pepa.

Michelle: [00:03:58] I don’t think I was probably allowed to listen to that song when it came out.

Gabe: [00:04:01] When have you ever only done what you’re allowed to do?

Michelle: [00:04:05] I know. Sneaking watching 90210. Yeah. R.I.P. Luke Perry, R.I.P.

Gabe: [00:04:09] Aww, R.I.P. Luke Perry

Michelle: [00:04:09] R.I.P.

Gabe: [00:04:09] Sadness

Michelle: [00:04:13] Dylan McKay, miss you forever.

Gabe: [00:04:13] You know, 90210 was another show about teenagers who had a lot of sex. You weren’t allowed to watch it because of all of the sex that was in it. And that show was geared toward high schoolers.

Michelle: [00:04:25] But I was much younger than that.

Gabe: [00:04:26] Well, yes, but my point is, is that sex is everywhere. But yet when it comes to talking about sex from a medical perspective, and that’s really where the show is going to end up eventually, I promise. Why do we have such a problem with it?

Michelle: [00:04:41] It’s been a problem throughout society. I know that the beginning of the women’s sexual anything. Back in the day, women would go to the doctor and they would pull out like the vibrator and vibrate on the women’s clit. And then they would have an orgasm. And that’s like a medical thing they used to do because they didn’t know that women actually were supposed to feel pleasure from sex.

Gabe: [00:05:00] It is interesting that you bring that up because that’s absolutely true. A lot of people don’t realize that the modern day vibrator used to be a medical device. It was created in asylums to calm down hysterical women. Hysterical. Hysterectomy. These are words because doctors believed women’s reproductive organs were tied to their mental health. The sex study was started by Kinsey and he started a whole foundation where they polled a whole bunch of people anonymously about their sexual proclivities. The things that they liked, the things that they didn’t like. Kinsey learned so much about sexuality that people just did not understand in the 50s.

Michelle: [00:05:39] Like what?

Gabe: [00:05:40] Like that people like to have sex. Or that women could orgasm or, and this was big, that women masturbated. There was this misunderstanding that women did not like, enjoy, or want sex, that it was a chore for them. It was a marital obligation. It was literally their marital duty.

Michelle: [00:05:57] The lie back and think of England?

Gabe: [00:06:00] Yeah, we believed as a society that this was true. And then we found out through a lot of, thank God for science, that it turns out that women like sex. But a lot of women…

Michelle: [00:06:10] Yeah, good thing for you, Gabe. Thank God. Hey, what would you do if women didn’t like sex?

Gabe: [00:06:14] Well, but see, that’s the thing, though. Our society was so messed up that even though women didn’t like sex, they were still expected to have it.

Michelle: [00:06:23] I see what you’re saying.

Gabe: [00:06:23] We believed as a society that women did not enjoy sex. Yet they were required to do it. And we had phrases like “wifely duties.” This all segues into hypersexuality because there is probably not a more misunderstood symptom. Because the number one thing that people think about hypersexuality is that it’s awesome. They think it’s fun. People think hypersexuality is somehow good. It’s not. We’re gonna talk about a lot of stuff, and some of it we’re not gonna have horrible memories of because, hey, this is our lives. We don’t want to regret everything. But the underlying message in this entire show is that hypersexuality takes from you. It doesn’t give. It just doesn’t. There is a world of difference between having a lot of sex, which is good, and hypersexuality, which is not good. And nobody seems to understand that. Everybody thinks that one hypersexuality is fun and two hypersexuality is not a symptom of a serious problem.

Michelle: [00:07:27] What do you think about that?

[00:07:29] I think that I thought the same thing. I think that I thought that hyper exuality was having a lot of sex. It kind of sounds like it, doesn’t it? Hypersexuality, lots of sex, having sex furiously.

Michelle: [00:07:41] You say you’re hypersexual, yes?

Gabe: [00:07:41] Before medication, before treatment, before everything? Yeah. Yeah.

Michelle: [00:07:47] So you did not enjoy it?

Gabe: [00:07:49] Did I enjoy having a lot of sex? Yes. Because here’s the thing that I want to explain, it was a compulsion. It was a need that I had to fill. So by filling it, I got relief from.

Michelle: [00:08:01] Was the need like you’re so horny or is the need that you want to be with somebody?

Gabe: [00:08:07] Oh, it had nothing to do with the other person. Hyper sexuality has nothing to do with your partner.

Michelle: [00:08:10] So you were just like horny, horny, horny, horny, horny, horny, horny.

Gabe: [00:08:14] I don’t know that I would say horny, horny, horny, horny. Well, I’d say that it’s almost like an alcoholic that has to drink. They’re not thirsty. They’re compelled to do it. Or, you ever take a pack of cigarettes away from a smoker?

Michelle: [00:08:25] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:08:26] They’re just so desperate for that cigarette that they’re not even enjoying it anymore. And they’re yelling at people and they’re screaming and they’re bumming cigarettes off people and they’re angry. And then when they finally get that cigarette, they feel better. But really? That does not look like a person who’s enjoying it. Or are they just compelled? It’s a compulsion. Michelle, you have also been hypersexual. Was it something that you enjoyed or was it something that was required?

Michelle: [00:08:51] It was almost like a fun game.

Gabe: [00:08:53] A fun game?

Michelle: [00:08:54] A fun game. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:08:55] Really? So in your mind, hypersexuality and monopoly are like equivalents.

Michelle: [00:09:01] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:09:02] Were you the hat?

Michelle: [00:09:03] I sure. I don’t know. I don’t know all the characters in Monopoly. I’ve only ever played Monopoly Junior.

Gabe: [00:09:08] I love how you said the “characters” in Monopoly rather than the tokens.

Michelle: [00:09:12] I don’t even know they’re called tokens, but whatever. I am not that familiar with Monopoly. I’m not attracted to the monopoly, man.

Gabe: [00:09:18] But you’re familiar with it?

Michelle: [00:09:19] Nobody ever paid me two hundred dollars for passing “Go.”

Gabe: [00:09:20] Oh, you knew a reference?

Michelle: [00:09:23] Yes. If I got paid two hundred dollars every time when I made a man pass go, I’d have a lot of money.

Gabe: [00:09:30] How much money, Michelle?

Michelle: [00:09:32] More than two hundred dollars.

Gabe: [00:09:34] More than 400 dollars?

Michelle: [00:09:35] Perhaps. Hold up. Here’s our sponsor.

Announcer: [00:09:39] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist, whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: [00:10:10] We’re back talking hypersexuality. We experienced hypersexuality n very different ways because male and female. But we also experienced hypersexuality differently because generationally, we’re over a decade apart. During my biggest hypersexual times, you know, there wasn’t Tinder. There wasn’t the Internet. There wasn’t online dating services. I had to go out to bars and find people. How was it different for you? Because you just hopped on Tinder and people came to your house?

Michelle: [00:10:37] It’s actually also living in New York City. Tinder can be very easy. You go on Tinder and you put it on one mile radius.

Gabe: [00:10:46] Really?

Michelle: [00:10:46] Yup, one mile radius. So you know who is in the neighborhood and you start getting messages that people you met you meet up with like, oh, you’re in Astoria? I’m in Astoria. Oh, you’re so close. We’re in Astoria over there. Oh, wow. We’re neighbors. Oh, we’re neighbors. That’s so cool. You’re so convenient. Well, I’m like, yeah, this guy doesn’t realize that I put it on one mile radius.

Gabe: [00:11:06] Did you regret it? Like when it was over, did you think, oh, I’m a bad person or did you not care?

Michelle: [00:11:11] Oh, I didn’t care.

Gabe: [00:11:12] That’s interesting. Do you think that is the typical experience of the average female? On one hand, you’re like, oh, I didn’t care. I was fine with it. But yet you are embarrassed by it.

Michelle: [00:11:20] It’s not that I’m embarrassed by it. It’s just there’s judgment about it. I mean, a lot of girls wouldn’t do stuff like that, but I don’t think anyone should judge anybody by what they choose to do as long as you’re being safe. I think what’s more judgmental is that you let a stranger into your home because you never know, you know? Like murders.

Gabe: [00:11:41] Did you learn hundreds upon hundreds of strangers in to your home?

Michelle: [00:11:43] Not hundreds upon hundreds. Are you nuts? I didn’t let hundreds. Come on.

Gabe: [00:11:45] So like dozens?

Michelle: [00:11:47] Possibly. I don’t know.

Gabe: [00:11:49] So you lost count?

Michelle: [00:11:51] Oh, I have no idea. The count. Do you know your count?

Gabe: [00:11:54] Yes.

Michelle: [00:11:55] You know your count?

Gabe: [00:11:55] I don’t know what exactly, but I know that it’s in the hundreds.

Michelle: [00:12:00] I’m not in the hundreds, Gabe, I’m nowhere near the hundreds.

Gabe: [00:12:02] Thanks. That was very judgy.

Michelle: [00:12:03] I wasn’t judging you.

Gabe: [00:12:05] Yes, you were.

Michelle: [00:12:06] Shut up. But I played a game, so I was with a therapist, but not my therapist. Don’t worry. I’ve been with a psychologist, not my psychologist. But I always wanted the trifecta and get a psychiatrist. I haven’t done that, and I don’t know if that’s going to happen. But wouldn’t that be awesome?

Gabe: [00:12:20] This is where you scare me sometimes. Because I had sex with a psychologist. I also had sex with a therapist.

Michelle: [00:12:28] Oh, no.

Gabe: [00:12:29] And I absolutely, unequivocally want to have sex with a psychiatrist.

Michelle: [00:12:33] Oh, my God, no, I’m Gabe.

Gabe: [00:12:35] You know, I call this game sex bingo.

Michelle: [00:12:39] Yes, it is such sex bingo.

Gabe: [00:12:41] Is it healthy, though?

Michelle: [00:12:42] Wait, can we make a game called sex bingo?

Gabe: [00:12:45] I already did. This is my game. I’ve been playing it since I was 19 years old.

Michelle: [00:12:51] And do you have races, different races and religions on your sex bingo?

Gabe: [00:12:55] I really go by like personality traits and or jobs.

Michelle: [00:12:58] Gingers? Brown hair?

Gabe: [00:12:58] I don’t really care about hair color.

Michelle: [00:13:00] Doctor, lawyer?

Gabe: [00:13:02] Lawyer.

Michelle: [00:13:03] I have lawyer.

Gabe: [00:13:05] You have lawyer?

Michelle: [00:13:05] I have lawyer.

Gabe: [00:13:06] I don’t have lawyer. What’s the free spot? Oh, yeah, masturbation. That was a freebie right there.

Michelle: [00:13:14] Your hand.

Gabe: [00:13:14] Your hand?

Michelle: [00:13:16] Or your vibrator.

Gabe: [00:13:18] What do you think of the fleshlight?

Michelle: [00:13:20] I have never used a fleshlight because I’m a woman.

Gabe: [00:13:22] Yeah, that was a stupid question.

Michelle: [00:13:24] Me and my friends were in a bar with a bunch of firefighters one time. And the firefighters, they were saying that one over there, he’s got a fleshlight. So we all started talking to him about his fleshlight. And he’s like, well, you know, with a fleshlight, you don’t have to talk to them before and after.

Gabe: [00:13:39] Wow.

Michelle: [00:13:39] Yeah, that’s what he said.

Gabe: [00:13:40] Did that make him more or less attractive to you?

Michelle: [00:13:43] Much less attractive.

Gabe: [00:13:43] Really?

Michelle: [00:13:45] He doesn’t want to talk to a girl before and after? He’d rather just bone his fleshlight?

Gabe: [00:13:50] This is the core difference, I think, between men and women. Not like across the board. But if a woman said that to me, I don’t want to talk before and after, I’d be like, excellent. This could work. Not any more, though. We have both grown tremendously as people because we do know people who listen to this show and they’re like, oh my God. For example, my wife listens. And if somebody is a first timer listening to the show, they’re like, wait, that guy’s married? Oh, my God. But this was.

Michelle: [00:14:17] Tell her to become a psychiatrist.

Gabe: [00:14:20] This is an excellent idea. You know, you should tell your significant other to become a psychiatrist.

Michelle: [00:14:25] Oh, that’s a good idea.

Gabe: [00:14:25] Oh, my God. Why didn’t we think of this? Oh, my God, what if, now that we are monogamous, our sex bingo should really be about getting our significant other as many jobs as possible.

Michelle: [00:14:37] [Laughter]

Gabe: [00:14:37] We’re gonna have the most successful spouses in the world.

Michelle: [00:14:42] Yes.

Gabe: [00:14:42] Hi. What do you do for a living? I’m a doctor, a lawyer, a psychiatrist, a brain surgeon.

Michelle: [00:14:46] A pilot?

Gabe: [00:14:47] I’m a pilot. I’m an engineer. What is your max number in a day?

Michelle: [00:14:53] Three.

Gabe: [00:14:54] Oh, only three?

Michelle: [00:14:55] Only three.

Gabe: [00:14:57] You only had sex with three people in one day.

Michelle: [00:14:59] I believe.

Gabe: [00:14:59] That’s …

Michelle: [00:15:01] Is that a lot?

Gabe: [00:15:01] No.

Michelle: [00:15:02] I really hope my mom listens to this.

Gabe: [00:15:04] I mean.

Michelle: [00:15:05] Well, let her know.

Gabe: [00:15:06] I’m worried, though, because one of the reasons that I enjoy doing this show with you is because at the end of the day, you’re just as fucked up as me.

Michelle: [00:15:12] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:15:12] But my max number in a day is significantly higher.

Michelle: [00:15:15] Well, I’m not surprised by that one.

Gabe: [00:15:18] Thanks. That’s terrible. You’ve never hired sex workers, though?

Michelle: [00:15:24] No, I have not.

Gabe: [00:15:25] Is that because women just don’t have to? Is it because you didn’t want to? Or is it just because you exist in the age of Tinder?

Michelle: [00:15:32] I exist in the age of Tinder, where it’s free for girls. I wouldn’t even know where to go to get a male sex worker, at all. No, I wouldn’t even know where to go. And why would I do that when Tinder is free?

Gabe: [00:15:44] When you reflect back on hypersexuality, you don’t have the same gut wrenching horror feeling that I do. Why do you think that is? Do you think that you’ve just rejected a lot of societal stereotypes, or the pressure that society gives young women? Do you think this is because you’re such a strong feminist?

Michelle: [00:16:02] I just…

Gabe: [00:16:03] Because I feel awful.

Michelle: [00:16:04] I think it’s just feminism. I need to just see you live your life. You do what you want to do. You don’t feel embarrassed by it. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. Other people, my friends, they’re like, what did you do? And I’m like, I did what I wanted to do. You can judge me. I really don’t care. I don’t care.

Gabe: [00:16:21] For me, one of the things that I dislike so much about hypersexuality is it wasn’t about having fun for me. It was about having sex and while having sex, I would be thinking about when I was gonna be able to have sex again. So I wasn’t even enjoying it in the moment. I had to. I think that’s the thing that maybe a lot of people don’t understand about hypersexuality. I had to. I didn’t want to. I didn’t enjoy it. I had to. I didn’t get any enjoyment from having sex. It was a chore that I had to do.

Michelle: [00:16:51] Mine was definitely not a chore. It was more of a like, kind of, almost a manic kind of a game, really.

Gabe: [00:16:57] So hypersexuality exists on a spectrum much like everything else.

Michelle: [00:17:00] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:17:02] You would say then that maybe you had like hypersexuality lite? And, I’m not judging it in any way. I just, there’s got to be a big difference between somebody who in a 24 hour period is like, hey, I’ll go have sex with three people and now I’m cool. And somebody that says I’ve had sex with 21 people and say, I need more. I need more.

Michelle: [00:17:18] Yeah. That’s a lot different. I wasn’t like craving and craving and craving and craving. It was more just like the thrill of the whole thing.

Gabe: [00:17:26] You know, in addition to the sex act, did you feel that the other person was validating you?

Michelle: [00:17:32] I don’t know. I think it’s kind of hot when somebody, like, wants you. You kind of feel hot when, you know, like I feel hot. I don’t know. You just feel wanted. You feel like, yea, they’re totally into me, you know?

Gabe: [00:17:43] I do. I do. And I think in addition to hypersexuality, I had like co-morbid disorders going on. Because not only did I have to have sex, not only was there this compulsion to have sex, but when somebody was willing to have sex with me, they were telling me I was worthwhile for something. They were saying, hey, you’re not terrible. I needed that reassurance that at least I wasn’t garbage.

Michelle: [00:18:07] And Gabe, can we bring up how you lost your virginity 18 times?

Gabe: [00:18:11] I did. I lost my virginity 18 times.

Michelle: [00:18:13] Tell that story, please. Why did you say it 18 times? And why did they believe you 18 times? Because that is so funny.

Gabe: [00:18:20] I was so desperate to have sex that I would just literally say whatever it took to have sex. And, you know, I was a 500 pound guy. And remember, I don’t have Tinder and none of this stuff existed. I didn’t have the Internet. I didn’t have smartphones. I had to go out to bars and find people to have sex with.

Michelle: [00:18:36] That sounds terrible.

Gabe: [00:18:37] And I still had my personality. I was still charismatic. I was still funny. I was still people were flocked to me. But that wasn’t sealing the deal because I weighed 500 pounds. I weighed, you know, anywhere from 450 to five hundred fifty pounds. And people were just like, yeah, I don’t know. He’s kind of fat. So I came up with, well, frankly, a ruse. I told people that I was a virgin. Then they thought, oh, my God, this guy is so nice. He’s so kind. He’s so funny. Oh, I’ll take his virginity for him. I mean, I’ve got to give him a shot in the world. And once I realized this worked, I did it 18 times.

Michelle: [00:19:10] That’s so funny that you did that.

Gabe: [00:19:13] Is it funny or is it sad or a combination of both?

Michelle: [00:19:16] It’s both.

Gabe: [00:19:17] Yeah, both.

Michelle: [00:19:17] I think it’s so funny that these women would feel like almost bad for you that they would have sex with you.

Gabe: [00:19:23] And that’s an interesting thing to think about as well. You know, women, we don’t think of them as in control of their own sexuality, but they were. And they thought to themselves, hey, you know, I don’t want to date this guy. I’m not even attracted to him. But, you know, he’s a good guy. And I want to give him a favor. We don’t think about it that way with men. You know, men, they have sex with people that they don’t want to date, that they’re not attracted to, etc. all the time because of convenience or desire or whatever. And people are like, oh, that’s perfectly normal. You know, we have these phrases like “men will stick it in anything.” But women? Women are discerning. They’re picky. And the reality is this has not been my experience. I can tell you with having sex with hundreds of people. Women are not picky. They are no pickier.

Michelle: [00:20:06] Some women are picky.

Gabe: [00:20:06] Of course, and some men are, too. I’m telling you, men and women think about sex much more alike. Again, in my experience, then people think.

Michelle: [00:20:18] Have you ever had sex in public?

Gabe: [00:20:20] Like with an audience watching?

Michelle: [00:20:21] No, not with an audience, but like maybe like in the woods, or by a lake, or just outdoors?

Gabe: [00:20:27] I don’t think that I’ve ever had sex outdoors like outside. But I’ve had sex in pretty much every bar bathroom in Ohio.

Michelle: [00:20:33] Eww, a bathroom? That’s disgusting.

Gabe: [00:20:36] But what are you going to do? You meet somebody. Where are you gonna go?

Michelle: [00:20:39] I’ve never had sex in a bathroom.

Gabe: [00:20:41] That is surprising.

Michelle: [00:20:42] Never.

Gabe: [00:20:43] Really?

Michelle: [00:20:44] Really.

Gabe: [00:20:45] I feel bad that I’m thinking you’re lying.

Michelle: [00:20:48] No, I’m really not lying. I’ve never had sex in a bathroom.

Gabe: [00:20:50] See, but again, you were meeting people like online so you could meet in like apartments or anything.

Michelle: [00:20:54] I didn’t. Yeah. Yeah, I see that. I see what you’re saying.

Gabe: [00:20:56] You know, you got to play this scenario.

Michelle: [00:20:58] Yeah?

Gabe: [00:20:58] So you’re horny. You’re out on the prowl. The local band is playing.

Michelle: [00:21:03] Bom bom bom bom.

Gabe: [00:21:05] It’s 1 a.m. and you’re into the person and you’re horny right now. That’s why you’re there. And they’re horny right now. That’s why they’re there. And they’re like, hey,.

Michelle: [00:21:14] I mean, I’ve done some on the dance floor make out. That’s what me and my friends in the city, we used to call it D, and no. D.F.M.O. Yeah, that’s it. DFMO. Dance floor make out.

Gabe: [00:21:21] So I did that except change dance floor make out to bathroom fuck session.

Michelle: [00:21:27] [Laughter]

Gabe: [00:21:29] Listen, on one hand, I’m not completely horrified by my past, but I want to make it clear these memories are largely showing how out of control I was and how desperate I was. And I am very lucky. I did practice safe sex. I always had condoms. I never had sex without protection. I was very, extraordinarily careful. But I know a lot of people that were very extraordinarily careful that still acquired a sexually transmitted disease or even worse, a baby.

Michelle: [00:21:59] Are you calling babies bad?

Gabe: [00:22:00] I’m not calling babies bad, but I’m saying that somebody that is so desperate and so out of control that they would have sex with a stranger in a bar at 1 a.m. and then those two have a baby?

Michelle: [00:22:11] Yeah, they shouldn’t be having a baby.

Gabe: [00:22:12] Yeah. What are the odds of good parenting there?

Michelle: [00:22:14] Yeah I see what you’re saying there.

Gabe: [00:22:15] And again, I was an untreated bipolar, hypersexual, desperate, and having sex with strangers in a bar. Does that sound like father material to you? Like when we think of our dads, is that what we’re thinking about?

Michelle: [00:22:27] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:22:27] We’re thinking about like stable, has a job, loving, caring.

Michelle: [00:22:31] You know, what’s funny about the whole thing? Is that my mom and my dad have been together since they were 14. My mom says she’s only ever been with my dad. And then I’d look at myself and I’m like, we are not the same person, at all. When I was first diagnosed at 18 with bipolar, I guess my mom looked up the symptoms and hypersexuality is a symptom of bipolar. I remember being on the phone with my mom and she was like, okay, Michelle, don’t be too promiscuous. Don’t be too high, too over sexual because I know that’s a symptom of bipolar. Okay. You know, don’t be too promiscuous. And I was like, don’t worry, mom, I’m not. That’s like what she said. She says, oh, you’re bipolar. Don’t be too promiscuous, Michelle. That was like her number one thing. Nothing else about the symptoms. Nothing else. But don’t be too promiscuous.

Gabe: [00:23:15] It shows you our misunderstanding of sex, sexuality and how we relate to it in the world. There are so many people that still believe that sex is only for marriage, and there are many people who believe that sex should not be enjoyable. That is just so sad because that’s the number one thing that I hate about hypersexuality. It made sex not enjoyable. I don’t know what the wrap up for this is because we’ve talked about it, about making sex a game. We’ve talked about, you know, having sex with strangers in bars. We have good memories of it. We have bad memories of it. We have different feelings of it based on our ages and our gender.

Michelle: [00:23:51] I have one question for you. That therapist and psychologist, did they know you are bipolar?

Gabe: [00:23:56] Yes.

Michelle: [00:23:56] Because the therapist and psychologist I boned did not know I was schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:24:01] Well, they knew.

Michelle: [00:24:03] No, they didn’t.

Gabe: [00:24:03] Were you wearing your schizophrenic.NYC shirt?

Michelle: [00:24:07] No, I was not. No, I was not. No. One was before schizophrenic.NYC existed and one was after. And then after that, they found me on Facebook or Instagram. Me was like, okay. He’s like. And then he finds that I had some. He said that he thought he might have known, but he wasn’t really sure because he was like at one point he did seem he I was talking to myself and he goes. I don’t know who you’re talking to, but I’m over here. And I was like, oh, I’m sorry about that one.

Gabe: [00:24:34] And let’s be very, very clear. I feel the need to put up like a giant disclaimer. Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer never, ever had sex with their own medical providers. They’ve always been perfectly appropriate. That said, it does happen. So don’t. It would be wholly irresponsible of any practitioner to have sex with a patient.

Michelle: [00:24:57] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:24:57] And if you’re the patient, report it immediately.

Michelle: [00:24:59] Yeah. That should not happen. Don’t do that. Don’t do that.

Gabe: [00:25:03] That’s the kind of thing that will set you back.

Michelle: [00:25:04] Yeah, that’s a bad idea. Don’t do that. Don’t.

Gabe: [00:25:07] Yeah, don’t do that.

Michelle: [00:25:08] Don’t do that.

Gabe: [00:25:08] And we are talking about people who held that job, but they certainly were not ours. We were not their patient.

Michelle: [00:25:14] Yes, I was not. Not their patients. Not their patients. But if I could find a psychiatrist.

Gabe: [00:25:21] Thank you, everybody, for tuning into this episode of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. We hope that you learned some small thing about hypersexuality. And if there’s anything that you can relate to, if there’s any message that we want to send, it’s that you are not alone. Michelle and I went through it. We got help. We’re thankful that we don’t have to go through it again. And we are now monogamous and enjoying sex. Not with each other. We will see everybody next week.

Michelle: [00:25:44] Let’s talk about sex, baby, Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about sex.

Announcer: [00:25:54] Announcer: You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you love this episode, don’t keep it to yourself head over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe, rate, and review. To work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups, head over to PsychCentral.com. This show’s official web site is PsychCentral.com/BSP. You can e-mail us at [email protected]. Thank you for listening, and share widely.

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

  MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/podcast-hypersexuality-with-a-bipolar-and-schizophrenic/

#World of Psychology

[deadcactuswalking]

BABY, DON’T HURT ME: The Top 5 Best and Worst Hit Songs of 1994

1994 was the definition of a 6/10. I can’t sit through all 100 in one sitting, but it’s not like it was terrible, in fact, my worst list was hard as nails because a lot of the bad stuff was just not interesting enough to talk about. When I did my 2017 list, stuff like “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons was just so mind-bogglingly terrible in every way, hence I had a lot of material, but here, you can clearly tell how better I am at talking about music I like, because God damn, there are some all-time classics hidden in all this boring schlock and even the stuff that’s not fantastic has a lot of redeeming qualities and charm. Hence, the worst list is mostly composed of stuff I found to be utterly charmless – well, except the #1, but you’ll read on for that. First, however, before we even get into talking about where on earth the popular music scene was in 1994, here are the Honourable Mentions – songs that just couldn’t make the cut for a much shorter list than what I would usually make. I’m going to try and keep it brief, because there were a lot of songs I actually really enjoyed that didn’t really cut it when under the pressure of just a top five list.

Honourable Mentions

These are basically in order of where they were on the Year-End list, so don’t think the guys at the top weren’t ever going to make the list because some of them were pretty tough snips.

“The Sign”, “All That She Wants” and “Don’t Turn Around” – Ace of Base

If you ever wonder why people hate Magic! and UB40 so much, it’s because white-washed cod-reggae can be done so much better.

“Whatta Man” – Salt-n-Pepa and En Vogue

Not the best horn sample in this Year-End, but Goddamn, they get close.

“Wild Night” - John Mellencamp featuring Meshell Ndegeocello

I don’t know who either of these dudes are but they can make a nice song. On the other hand, how in the hell do you pronounce Meshell’s surname?

“The Most Beautiful Girl in the World” – The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

This dude still had it way after his heyday when he started calling himself “the Artist Formerly Known as Prince”. Rest in peace.

“Fantastic Voyage” – Coolio

This dude had a second hit – before “Gangsta’s Paradise”? That’s cool... not going to make the obvious pun.

“Any Time, Any Place” – Janet Jackson

This song is a full seven minutes of pure beauty, but the reason why it doesn’t make the list is because it’s seven minutes. We’ll get on to that later on in the list.

“Because the Night” – 10,000 Maniacs

Specifically the MTV Unplugged version. The other version is just not as effective.

“This DJ” – Warren G

Warren G is kind of overlooked now, but he was a hit-maker back then who could crank out some fantastic stuff back in this G-funk era.

“Cry for You” – Jodeci

Drake shouts this song out in “Controlla”, but he doesn’t exactly reference it in a clever way. He just says “I think I’d die for you” and then rhymes it with, no joke, “Jodeci, “Cry for You””, like, okay, Aubrey.

“Keep Ya Head Up” – 2Pac

This sample was done better by BlocBoy JB. Something about me just loves how they take the Five Stairsteps’ vocals and make them Kanye chipmunk-style, as BlocBoy mourns the losses of his friends from life in the streets, but since he’s still young, he is a “child” as the sample suggests, so it kind of seems condescending when they say “things are going to get easier”, and Bloc is trying to say that young people go through real hardships too. I don’t know, but this isn’t a BlocBoy JB review, and if I wanted to I could talk about that song in length, but I’ll just say this 2Pac song is damn good too.

“Who am I? (What’s My Name?)” – Snoop (Doggy) Dogg

I mean, I’d be able to tell you if you didn’t change it all the time.

“Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through” – Meat Loaf

The video for this is directed by Michael Bay of all people. That’s all I have to say.

“Mary Jane’s Last Dance” – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Okay, but Red Hot Chili Peppers kind of did this riff more justice.

“U.N.I.T.Y.” – Queen Latifah and “Here Comes the Hotstepper” – Ini Kamoze

These were the songs that made me want to extend these lists to ten songs, but on the other hand, my Dishonourable Mentions made me want to shorten these lists to no songs.

“I’ll Take You There” – General Public

Who?

“What is Love” – Haddaway

Now, THIS one hurts to cut. This is a bonafide classic.

“Bop Gun (One Nation)” – Ice Cube featuring George Clinton

The 11-minute version of this song is more tolerable than it sounds.

Now that’s it for the Honourable Mentions but what exactly was 1994 pop music like? Well, I can tell you one thing – G-funk and smooth R&B and hip-hop were in full effect by this time, and many people say the 90s took a while to start, well, this is the breakout year for the 1990s as a decade. All the tropes you expect from early and mid-1990s pop music are here, and they’re here to stay (excluding a lot of the grunge and rock, mostly because of nonsensical Hot 100 chart regulations from at the time). Enough rambling, let’s get onto the actual list. These are...

BABY, DON’T HURT ME: The Top 5 Best and Worst Hit Songs of 1994

#5 Worst

So, if you think Scum Gang scumbags becoming popstars is a new thing, you obviously haven’t been following the absolute trainwreck that is R. Kelly. He was all over this year, whether it be him riding solo or providing vocals, songwriting and production for other R&B acts like Aaliyah and new (at the time) duo Changing Faces, who had both of their first two singles written and produced by R. Kells himself. I was on the fence about this particular track until I saw the Wikipedia article.

“It features uncredited vocals from R. Kelly.”

Alrighty then!

#5 – “Stroke You Up” – Changing Faces featuring R. Kelly

The immediate second this song starts I shrivel up and want to die. That piercingly high first note in the loop aggravates me because it’s just an instant onslaught of a screech. Oh, and that cowbell-like noise that appears in a lot of ‘90s R&B? I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love 1990s R&B but man, it has to be done well to be anything more than a bit of a slog to get through, mostly because pretty much every song in that niche has these set of tropes, and I’m not going to lie, I probably could not sit through a whole album by anyone in that scene who isn’t Usher. Like, you’ve got to have some charisma to make your songs interesting – and that’s true with any decade and any genre – so when you’ve got only serviceable singers and a creepy-as-all-hell backing vocalist, you don’t exactly do wonders to the blocky production.

Don’t even get me started on that hook.

Do you mind if I stroke you up (I don’t mind)

Oh, of course, you don’t freaking mind, you’d get a stroke from anyone as long as they’re female. I don’t think you guys exactly needed confirmation... although actually maybe consent is the best foot forward in R. Kelly’s case... wait, why does R. Kelly need to consent to anything except jail time? He’s a piece of sexist human trash and this woman needs to ASK to just stroke him, oblivious to the fact that he can just hop straight into the girls in his sex cult?

All through the night

You know, you’re supposed to get like eight hours, so are you just going to stroke him for nearly half a day? Because knowing R. Kelly, I’d think he’d want a bit more.

Until your body’s tired

How is he going to be tired? You’re the one actually making some sort of motion, albeit it just be stroking... for eight bloody hours.

Oh, and R. Kelly can stop moaning in the intro and outro. We never need that, okay, we just never need R. Kelly moaning anywhere, anytime, please reissue this song without it. In fact, Spotify, I think I’m going to report abuse for the moaning alone. Nobody needs to sit through this tire fire of a track.

#5 Best

Talking about arrogant, forceful jerks, here’s a song about them.

I know what I want and I want it now / I want you, ‘cause I’m Mr. Vain

Uh... maybe I shouldn’t have met the R. Kelly comparisons. Yikes.

#5 – “Mr. Vain” – Culture Beat

That synth hook is iconic... well, at least for me. I’m into a hefty load of Eurodance and 90s house, in fact a lot of 90s electronica tickles my fancy in more ways than one, so I listened to this a lot before I even considered doing reviews as my hobby – in fact, all of my best list is like this, pretty much, and apologies for the nostalgia goggles but we need them because we’re going deep into Music Heaven’s seas and we ain’t got submarines.

That synth hook is only beaten by “Better Off Alone” in terms of 90s classic dance hooks, but that’s not the only thing about the song that’s amazing, no, before we dive into the vocals and lyrics, how about we just appreciate the rapid-fire guitar strumming replicating the hook and the freaking strings solo before the final chorus? Seriously, there’s a lot of attention to detail in what seems to be a simple Eurodance track and I appreciate that.

Also, this song is a narrative. Let’s explore that, shall we?

Call him Mr. Raider

What?

I guess it kind of makes sense in the context of “This dude only wants to get one-night stands with girls he considers to be of his stupidly high standard” (if you squint) but “Raider”? You couldn’t think of another word there to describe him? It didn’t even need to rhyme, it’s not part of the scheme.

Call him insane

Yeah, okay, so this song is about a guy who’s so irresistibly charming that all the ladies flock yet he only wants one night with them and will immediately stop caring once they’ve had sex... Is this song about Lil Yachty?

I know you want this for life / Taking pictures with all my ice / But I can’t have no... wife / I just want you for the night – Lil Yachty, “1Night”

Okay, obviously, I’m kidding – Lil Yachty didn’t even exist when this song was written – but I’m not joking when I say Tania Evans and rapper Jay Supreme do a pretty good job at representing different sides of this story. Sure, Supreme’s flow may be a bit stilted, and Evans’ (fantastic) vocals might be wasted on way too repetitive lyrics, but it’s Eurodance, cut it some slack.

Call me Raider

No, I won’t call you “Raider”. We already went through this, Jay.

In all seriousness, though, I just love how much Jay perfectly overplays the fact that he’s just an uptight douchebag.

Call me what you like / As long as you call me, time and again / Feel the presence of the aura / Of the man, none to compare

“Feel the presence of the aura”? Who the hell are you, Lucario?

Overall, despite some flaws in its writing, this track is still a dance classic, mostly for how well and intricately it’s produced. Really a fantastic demonstration of how genres like Eurodance can be top-tier stuff as well.

#4 Worst

You know, when I think “forever”, because of music I’ve listened to in the past, I don’t imagine the ungodly length of time that is. What does forever even entail? Is it an individual’s lifetime or just the span of life on Earth in general? Either way, I like my “forever” songs immediate, driving, punchy and to the point. Like Donna Lewis’ earworm hook on “I Love You Always Forever”, the hunger that Drake, Kanye West, Lil Wayne and Eminem show on the bloodthirsty posse cut “Forever”, the good stuff is what takes the concept of “forever” and makes it NOW. Now, what happens if you take the concept of “forever” and play it incredibly straight... that phrase being a synonym of “making it as boring  and plain as a sponge cake with no icing”.

#4 – “Now and Forever” – Richard Marx

Now, music isn’t my only interest, far from it, one of those interests being video games, and more often than not game-wise, you could catch me playing a Nintendo game, so when I saw Marx, before Groucho even crossed my mind, my first thought was the character from Kirby, and maybe that’s not exactly the best first impression of a singer I’ve ever had.

You know what? That would have been much more interesting, because this is pretty non-descript, to the point of it being infuriatingly “nothing”. This guy’s voice, however much force he wants to put onto it, is just serviceable at best and pretty okay throughout, while a white-bread acoustic guitar is being strummed mindlessly in front of a solid orchestral instrumental, which would be pretty nice if it wasn’t so pushed back in the mix to focus on Marx’s promises of being someone’s man “now and forever” – yeah, okay, well, at least try and sound like you care. Put some effort into saying you’ll love someone always, like Bon Jovi’s “Always” the same year, which pulled off the simple power ballad much more effectively by simply seeming like people put effort into it. I can imagine that the band wrote their song about a real-life woman, but Marx here might as well be singing to a cactus. Next.

#4 Best

Now, you may be wondering why a song recorded and released in 1975 about an event from 1963, that eventually hit #1 on the Hot 100 in 1976, is on a list about music from 1994, and it’s all because of a remix – not the first one, mind you – that landed it back onto the charts in 1993 and 1994, “peaking” at #13. Thanks, Ben Liebrand, but your remix is irrelevant because the version I’m counting is the original.

#4 – “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night!)” – Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

So this was Valli and his band’s biggest hit in their extensive discography and very lengthy career, mostly due to being pretty much the opposite of what they always did. Sometimes shaking up the formula is actually ideal in pop music, as Valli saw when he relegated himself to backing vocals, letting the leads be handled by the drummer, Gerry Polci, and the bassist, Don Ciccone. Usually, this might have been a risky misstep, since the singer is chosen as the frontman due to the fact that they would naturally have more vocal talent, yet despite Valli being quite literally the name of the band, there’s no real frontman, as everyone sang and everyone appeared in the videos... and that’s impressive, considering how much of an ordeal that is, with how many members there are and were, and how members constantly go in and out while Valli’s still standing. The fact that the band never felt like Valli was in power is honestly one of the reasons why this song works so well.

This song sounds so joyful and happy, and you couldn’t replicate that with one man playing all the parts, because of a tried and true phrase.

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do – Harry Nilsson, “One”

If this was all one guy and it was just all the parts mixed together, I doubt it would feel anywhere near as gleeful and carefree as it does as a group record. It starts with a tight disco groove, and then you’ve got that classic piano melody, before Polci starts singing and he’s not a Phil Collins by any means, but he does the job damn well for a drummer, and that just adds to how fun it feels. Everyone did their best and contributed to a happy, sunshiny song that holds up to this day – and by everyone, I mean everyone, it definitely sounds like all seven or so of these guys, including even the keyboardists and the guys on the horns, had a blast recording this. I can imagine them just loving it in the studio. Oh, what a night, indeed.

#3 Worst

Oh, yeah, fun fact: Did you know that last song was originally going to be celebrating the repeal of prohibition, and Frankie Valli wanted it to be changed to a song about an affair? Yeah, and it’s not necessarily a subtle song about an affair either.

Spinning my head around and taking my body under – Don Ciccone, “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night!)”

You know, I guess it’s somewhat poetic and at least it depicts the subject in a way that doesn’t feel cliché and cheesy. On the other hand...

#3 – “Said I Loved You...But I Lied” – Michael Bolton

What a terrible thing to say right to your significant other’s face, Michael Bolton. Why would you manipulate someone like that, man? Is this some sort of nasty plot to get sex without any consequence?

Said I loved you but I lied / ‘Cause this is more than love I feel inside / Said I loved you but I was wrong / ‘Cause love could never ever feel so strong

Oh... well, then. That is the dumbest bait-and-switch I’ve ever fell for. Well, this sickeningly sweet song is something else to add to my list of reasons to punch Michael Bolton in his corny face. Wait a second, he’s in his 60s now? Huh, maybe I should scrap that list entirely.

You know, Michael Bolton used to make metal and hard rock back in the 70s, and I won’t exactly say his work under that style was all that good, at least it wasn’t as vomit-inducing as his middle of the road, soft rock ballads, including this one, which hides its snoozeworthy self under a guise of a clickbaiting title... which I imagine isn’t even the reason this song became popular, no, it’s because of radio play, specifically adult contemporary stations – why would you put the effort into clickbaiting adult contemporary listeners when in the end, a song about tricking a woman for sex and/or a mediocre romance could have been written better than this generic schlock, and would have probably garnered even more attention, especially from the good-guy Michael Bolton?

I suppose none of this matters when the music’s good, right? Well, it’s not. It’s borderline tropical semi-tribal pop music, actually, it’s kind of interesting. The intro feels like it would fit right into Legends of the Hidden Temple and I don’t think that’s entirely a compliment. Michael sounds out of breath all the time, and nothing else in this song is worthy of even a footnote. I’m so glad we get immediately to the good stuff after trash like this.

#3 Best

Alright, now we’re getting into the hip-hop stuff that I loved this year, and, yeah, there was a lot of it but only a few of these songs really left enough of an impact on me to put them on the list. Remember when I said Warren G was overlooked? Well, I don’t think anyone forgets this G-funk classic.

#3 – “Regulate” – Warren G featuring Nate Dogg

God, no movie soundtrack tie-in deserves to be this smooth and this catchy. This song is immediately recognisable from that Dr. Dre-like synth hook and tight rhythm sampled from “I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near)”, a soul song from singer-songwriter Michael McDonald, which was a success of its own back in 1982, peaking in the top five. Sadly, it’s nowhere near as good as the song it eventually birthed 12 years later.

This song is basically one extremely lengthy verse of Warren G and the late Nate Dogg trading bars and telling a story of both rappers being involved in some ghetto violence, with funky instrumental breaks separating topics and flows.

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon

Warren’s looking to pick up some “skirts”, as they say, but for the most part, he’s just cruising. Meanwhile, Nate just arrived in Long Beach and is on a mission to find Warren – for whatever reason – before women start distracting him, because, of course, they do, it’s hip-hop. Warren notices a gang shooting dice, so he decides to politely join the activity and engage in some of the fun, and then they pull out their guns and try and kill him. However, Nate Dogg doesn’t have time for women.

Since these girls peepin’ me, I’mma glide and swerve / These hookers lookin’ so hard, they straight hit the curb / Onto bigger, better things than some horny tricks / I see my homie and some suckers all in his mix

He was on a mission to find “Mr. Warren G”, and he has discovered the holy grail, however there is one obstacle – the gang that is attacking Warren. He screams out for help from Nate, he’s completely hopeless, in fact, it’s surprisingly vulnerable for a gangsta rap track.

I’m gettin’ jacked, I’m breakin’ myself / I can’t believe they’re taking Warren’s wealth / They took my rings, they took my Rolex / I looked at the brother, said, “Damn, what’s next?”

He’s expecting even worse assault from these guys, but he doesn’t know what’s next because nothing can be this awful, right? He doesn’t believe this was even possible for him to be in this situation. But then, Nate Dogg, shades on, goes all action hero on them right after Warren G starts to accept his fate.

They got guns to my head, I think I’m goin’ down

But then, Nate shoots all his problems away.

Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold

I said Nate had no time for women, but that’s incredibly untrue, because right after he shoots multiple men to death, he’s picking up women on the streets, and, to be honest, yeah, I’d get in his car. Like Ty Dolla $ign, who I feel Nate was a massive influence on, he knew how to be seductive and smooth in his delivery, even if what he was singing wasn’t particularly sexy.

She said, “My car’s broke down and you seem real nice, would you let me ride?” / I got a car full of girls and it’s going real swell / The next stop is the Eastside Motel

For the final section, Nate and Warren just lay down some of the ideology of the G-funk philosophy... okay, then!

It’s the G-funk era, funked out with a gangsta twist

You know, it’s actually pretty impressive how throughout this violent yet sensual story of murder, assault and illegal criminal activity, as well as mentioning smoking and complementing women for their physical appearance, there’s actually minimal profanity. Warren G’s really for the kids, huh?

This whole story would be pointless, however, if it wasn’t for how well it was all sung, and I say sung instead of rapped because, yeah, it’s pretty much an R&B song with the melodic flows both take on, and I’m not saying Warren is anywhere near to the level of Nate’s singing ability, but you can tell effort was put in on both sides for them to complement each other well, and with Warren’s vulnerable and uncertain portrayal, a more unsure and confused personality and scattered flow really assist in painting the story, especially in stark contrast to Nate’s deep, smooth tone that makes all this sound effortless. Overall, yeah, this song is irresistibly catchy without anything even resembling a chorus, mostly due to the infectious beat and fun flows from everyone involved. Undoubtedly one of the classics in hip-hop. Rest in peace, Nate Dogg.

#2 Worst

“Whoomp! (There it Is)” by the Tag Team is an energetic and fun banger, with a catchy, sing-a-long chorus and a repetitive but effective rhythm. It’s an okay song, so making a song nearly identical right down to the “whoo” sounds isn’t going to result in anything awful... right? Right?

#2 – “Tootsee Roll” – 69 Boyz

Really, guys? 69 Boyz? You’ve got to know the innuendos involved there, and even if you did know and that was the origin, or even if they had another moronic excuse like they were all born in 1969, or there were 69 of them (which is a blatant lie), you’ve got to admit how cringeworthy and childish of a name that is... I’m not entirely sure if that’s to be expected of Miami bass, but considering its alternate names are “booty music” and “booty bass”, I should probably keep that in mind when digging deeper into the genre, but in the meanwhile, I cannot imagine any woman shaking their booty to this stiff, almost metallic beat, with some stock whistle sound effects and a constant onslaught of cheering gang vocals looped for the whole damn song to the extent of it being absolutely unbearable.

The Butterfly? Uh-huh, that’s old

What’s the Butterfly? Genius states, “The Butterfly was a dance move that caused the performer to look like a butterfly.” Thanks for that detailed explanation, now, what on earth is a “Tootsee Roll”?

From what I can gather, it’s just the opposite of the “Butterfly”, which is played out, while the “Tootsee Roll” is a dance you could still see in clubs at the time and is timeless? I mean, I doubt it, because rolling in a club is extremely dangerous and probably will lead to various deaths.

Keep rollin’ that derriere

...Is it like, twerking?

If so, that’s actually a decent comparison. Tootsie Rolls are softer taffy sweets that do not melt and are one of the first candies to be individually wrapped in America. Butts are not as soft as a Tootsie Roll (from my experience of seeing a few pictures of the candies) but they don’t have as much bone, you can slap them like jelly but they don’t melt (unless you have a severe medical problem), and typically, butts are wrapped in clothing, which could be different for each individual with a butt. That’s a pretty clever metaphor... too bad that 1.) your song’s an unlistenable, mind-numbingly repetitive loop with little to no changes to the instrumentation throughout, 2.) Tootsie Rolls also come in long sticks known as logs... is this a gay-pride anthem, then, or am I looking way too deep into this nonsensical piece of trash? Probably the latter.

#2 Best

Now, I wish I could talk about this next guy much more than I end up doing, but he’s way past his heyday, in fact, he’s a one-hit wonder despite having an extensive career that lasts more than four decades. This was his only song to ever hit the top 40, but does that matter at all when he’s had such a long-lasting career simply because of this one song? This track put him on the pop music map and stopped this weirdo from being a completely unknown figure in the music sphere, which he probably would have ended up being if not for this breakout single. You could say this song is riding the wave of both alt-rock and hip-hop being insanely popular at the time, but knowing my boy, I can safely say this was not a sell-out moment. This is one of the strangest, most diversely-talented musicians doing what he does best: wacky self-deprecation.

My teacher said I’m a loser, I told her, ”Why don’t you kill me?” – Kanye West, “Get ‘em High”

#2 – “Loser” – Beck

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey

Sorry, repeat that?

In the time of chimpanzees, I was a monkey / Butane in my veins so I’m out to cut the junkie

This song is the second on the best list to use the technique of sampling, modifying a portion of another work in order to use it in a new creation. This particular track samples a relatively manic drum beat from “I Walk on Gilded Splinters”, a Dr. John cover by blues guitarist Johnny Jenkins, and this sample does more than just adding a tight drum pattern to the song, as it adds to the interpretation that it was a parody of what was perceived as late-80s “slacker culture”, since sampling was a bit infamous in the early 90s. Just as recent as 1991, sampling had caused a headlining court case in which Gilbert O’Sullivan forced Biz Markie to not only pull all of the offending records off of stores, but also accept his career being ruined from the money he lost and the fact that the old white man was victorious over a predominantly black hip-hop culture, showing not only another case of the transformative use of work being unfairly refused, but also the racism that is still prevalent in court judges, the music industry and society today, as proved by Meek Mill’s recent case of being wrongly imprisoned. Yeah, it was an important lesson to learn in terms of the consequences of sampling, but it leaves a bad taste in peoples’ mouths, especially for Beck, who appreciates the art of sampling, despite it being seemed as lazy by many others in the biz, including Damon Albarn of Blur and Gorillaz, who has recently presented his anti-sampling thoughts (despite many, many cases of sampling other works himself). In fact, I believe Beck actually brings this up in the second verse.

The forces of evil in a bozo nightmare / Ban all the music with a phony gas chamber

Hence, throughout this sarcastic verbal beatdown Beck gives himself in the verses, he sounds bored, tired and exhausted, relying on the charm in his voice and the simple, sampled beat to carry him along. In fact, the lyrics seem to be Beck just spitballing, as well, as it’s mostly complete word salad, but it definitely has a consistent vibe of uselessness and being pathetic.

With the plastic eyeballs, spray-paint the vegetables / Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose

Overall, though, it just seems like it’s an incredibly ironic, borderline nonsensical and witty suicide note at points – there’s always discussion of death and guns and pretty grim imagery.

I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me? (double-barrel buckshot)

He hung himself with a guitar string

Someone keeps sayin’ I’m insane to complain / About a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt

The whole song is a slog in the best way because of its repetitive chorus, unconventional sampling and... interesting ad-libs.

(Get crazy with the Cheese Wiz)

It’s nothing like a parody of slacker culture, at all, actually, it reads more like a man on the edge of absolute insanity, and we get to explore his mind, which is all-over-the-place with some brief observations and commentary on the industry and early 90s society, while he occasionally contemplates ending it all.

And my time is a piece of wax falling on a termite / That’s chokin’ on the splinters

This is a strange, confusing song, but Beck’s a strange and confusing artist, and I love him for it, especially when he subtly adds some meaning in the lyrics, such as songs like this... and it’s not even in his top 10 best songs.

#1 Worst

Okay, so, flash back to even before the Honourable Mentions where I said this.

“Hence, the worst list is mostly composed of stuff I found to be utterly charmless – well, except the #1, but you’ll read on for that.”

Yeah, and when I said that, I wasn’t lying – this next song has a lot of charm, hell, it has a lot in common with my choice of fifth best hit song, “Mr. Vain”. Both are quirky little Eurodance songs, but this one does not understand how to embrace how awful it is, while “Mr. Vain” did that perfectly. This song is charming yet also insufferably incompetent.

#1 – “Another Night” – Real McCoy featuring Karin Kasar

Yep, that’s their name – Real McCoy. I don’t understand how a Eurodance act would be this desperate to prove themselves as “real”. Now, I’m pretty sure this terribly-named act is a band, actually, two or three members, one of which being the “rapper” on this track, O-Jay, but we’ll get to him. First, let’s focus on the instrumental, which is pretty well-made actually, albeit pretty typical of the time – it even has a pretty forced reggae influence in the steel pans obviously profiting off of Ace of Base. We have some nice piano chords, a jackhammer beat, an annoying synth that goes from the right to left channel constantly – which would be cool, if it didn’t go on for the whole song and you know, sounded any good.

That’s not what makes this song so horrible, honestly, it’s the vocals. First we have a vocal sample that comes in occasionally but trust me, when it comes in, it does not stop hammering at your brain. It is a really lazy yell, like a man who’s in a deep ditch, hence it echoes, but he can’t talk properly, or like at all, so he just makes a sound that resembles chopped-and-screwed Mario jumping sounds compiled together with some reverb and pitch-shifting... but that’s technically still the instrumental, the vocals on top can’t possibly be as bad, right? Well, I guess the singer, Karin Kasar isn’t bad, even if the lyrics combined with her light-as-a-feather performance are as putrid and sickeningly sweet as you can get, at least Tania Evans had some “oomph” in her voice.

Contrasting Karin Kasar is O-Jay, the “rapper”, who provides some deep, stilted, multi-tracked verses – see the dynamic here? Exactly the same as “Mr. Vain”, except that song prevailed by being joyful despite its obviously less optimistic subject matter that made it feel self-aware, while this plays it straight... but somehow makes it feel less sweet and more terrifying. This O-Jay guy took it too damn fair, he sounds creepy and the lyrics he’s provided with don’t exactly help either.

You feel joy, you feel pain, ‘cause nothing will be the same

Uh, can you stop, please, like, right now? It’s disturbing when this man’s deep voice, not shrouded in the mix, is perfectly clear and you hear every word he’s saying in this intimate yet skin-crawling tone. It’s not pleasant and really doesn’t help build the mood, in fact, I’m pretty sure it takes the mood of the song and bites it in half.

Hey, sister, let me cover your body with my love

Hold up – sister? Look, I know that’s something people call important or friendly females in their lives and in any other case, this line would be fine, but, Jesus, O-Jay, could you maybe say it with some kind of corny flair because your delivery itself implies so much more than what’s being said. Oh, and it doesn’t help when in his final verse, we have an eerily distorted sub-bass with a manic synth playing during it.

I am your lover, your brother

You’re not helping! All this track is is a sloppy remake of “Mr. Vain” which falls flat on its face with everything that Culture Beat’s track succeeded in.

Another night, another dream, but a-always you / It’s like a vision of love that seems to be true

Isn’t that a Mariah Carey song released in 1990?

I had a vision of love / And it was all that you’ve given to me – Mariah Carey, “Vision of Love”

So, not only do you ride the coattails of the Eurodance movement that became prominent in the US because of Haddway and his top 20 song, completely rip off Culture Beat’s top 20 hit (and #1 in the UK!) “Mr. Vain”, shoddily enforce some reggae pop because Ace of Base had three massive songs, all of which ended up being in the Year-End top 10 of this year, but you reference the name of one of Mariah Carey’s biggest #1 hits, just in case you weren’t enough of a clumsy amalgamation of everything early 90s in America and Europe. Nice one, you lazy, pathetic, untalented hacks.

#1 Best

Let’s take a little trip back to the Honourable Mentions, where I said that Janet Jackson’s “Any Time, Any Place” would not make the list due to its length, and that’s mainly because this is a list of hit songs, and honestly, if your song’s not short and sweet, does it really “hit” you as much?

A pop song doesn’t need to be conventional and can stray far from the formula, and I appreciate that when it happens to be that a 1994 hit does not follow the rules of its niche, see “Loser”. However, when you make a song, no matter how good it is, very long and not particularly that far away from what is expected, it loses the punch I want to see in good pop music. That’s why I hate “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran so much – it lacks what I want from any good pop song, a real hook that reels you in, not because it’s catchy and not because it’s unique, hell, I’m not talking about the musical hook here, just a moment in a song that forces you to pay attention and even if you don’t like it, you will understand why it’s so popular because it demands you to be attracted to it. I don’t like “Blah Blah Blah” by Kesha featuring 3OH!3. Listen, I like both of these artists fine, but I’m not a fan of the song for many reasons, however there is a true hook that grabs me in, and it’s not the chorus, it’s Kesha’s voice, which is childish and bratty, but it just commands your attention because of how obnoxious it is. “Any Time, Any Place” doesn’t exactly have that hook, hence no matter how much I liked the song, I just couldn’t write about it in mass. It’s not as interesting as it could have been.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we have something special down here at Birdland this evening – a recording for Blue Note Records.

This song has so many of them.

#1 – “Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)” – Us3

Oh, my God, this song has so many of those hooks. First of all, how all of it is so blatantly sampled. I think the additional trumpet solo is the only original addition and composition other than the vocals and knowing classic hip-hop, that solo is probably sourced or interpolated from somewhere – hell, the pure amount of samples of Blue Note’s catalogue on this song and Us3’s album lead to them grabbing a record deal with them. Now that’s how corporate bigwigs should be treating artists who sample. The first sample is immediately obvious to you – it’s a vocal sample at the beginning of the track spoken by Pee Wee Marquette from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland Vol. 1 album. After this brief spoken word section, we get into the beat which kicks in almost instantly afterwards for a real punch, and I’ve listened to the original track, Herbie Hancock’s “Cantaloupe Island”, and can confirm it’s just pretty much a sped-up version of the first 16 bars with a lot of subtle changes, but that’s not a bad thing, as the drum beat is fun enough to dance to, as what was probably in mind, the recurring additional vocal samples crowding up the track (acting as kind of a chorus) from both Marquette and Lou Donaldson (specifically “Everything I Do Gonna Be Funky (From Now On)”), as well as the occasional lively ad-lib from the rapper here, Rahsaan Kelly, shortened to Rahsaan, who scats a nice little “itty-bitty-bop” throughout. The final instrumental break before the track ends is heavenly, with Gerard Presencer’s fantastic and frankly pretty insane trumpet solo just going on and on. It’s crazy how good it is as well, the playing is intricate and fits the beat perfectly, mostly because of how wacky it is, until it just fades out like it’s nothing.

Speaking of wackiness, I think that’s the main appeal here, because it sounds like a jazz rap song straight out of a cartoon, fittingly for its title containing the name of the Disney movie Fantasia, but it’s all so smooth in its execution despite being littered and cluttered with samples all over the place. It’s beautiful in all its layered madness, and taking any of the layers off would be a disservice, and yes, that’s including Rahsaan.

Brace yourself as the beat hits you / Dip, trip, flip Fantasia

He may not be the best MC, but he has a slick, impressively stable and at times surprisingly quick flow for the time, and with his alliterative lyricism that often include a lot of fun, colourful words, he fits right into this Roger Rabbit of a jazz song.

Groovy, groovy, jazzy, funky / Pounce, bounce, dance as we dip in the melodic sea

He even has some pretty cool lines about actually taking a trip to the neon land presented in Fantasia...

Caught in the groove in Fantasia, I’m found

...and damn, if I don’t feel like I’m there. This song is just so fun to listen to, honestly, because of the pure joy you can feel from every sample, every trumpet riff, every line Rahsaan spits. I thought “Loser” by Beck was going to be my #1 going into this Year-End blind but as soon as I noticed this song was on it, the chance dropped from 100% to less than 3%, because even though I love both songs to death, “Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)” is such an overlooked classic that I can’t help but love and want to talk about. Everyone’s heard “Loser” but this is not something people really look back on today for all I know. I first heard this song on Vintage TV, actually, a British television network that shows old music videos, and it was a 90s and 80s funk block they had on when this song was broadcast, and when it came on, I had an instant grin on my face and I’m so glad it came up on this Year-End otherwise I would have likely to never have talked about it, and I couldn’t have done that. This song is way too good for me to pass on.

Feel the vibe from here to Asia / Dip, trip, flip Fantasia (out!)

As I said, it’s not conventional for a mostly instrumental song by a British acid jazz band to hit the American top 40, but to stay in the Hot 100 top 10 for three weeks is crazy, and just shows that although the general public and I may disagree at times, the power of national appreciation can do pretty great things for humanity. Thank you for reading, guys, and thank you to Us3, Rahsaan and Gerard Presencer, for making the best hit song of 1994, and one of my favourite songs of all time. See ya!