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balkanradfem · 1 year

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I’m gonna go off because I’m emotional and upset, this is going to be a rant about a certain youtube channel, and I’m not going to name it, I’m just going to complain.

So it was few years back when I was starting to watch homesteading content on youtube, and I was mostly picking female-led channels, but this one channel was so well recommended, and they were friends with all other homesteaders, and I was interested in their content, so I started watching. I soon dubbed this channel ‘The Disaster Channel’ in my head, because for these people, everything that could possibly go wrong, was going wrong, and I’m not even joking.

One of the first things I’ve noticed was that these people were not exactly.. well informed on what they were doing. They grew lots of winter squash one year, and claimed that the hokkaido and butternut squash can be survived on, and can be used instead of sweet potatoes, and I mean by taste, fine, but by nutrition? Absolutely not, roots and tubers have plenty more nutrition, and squash is not enough to live on. So I figured, okay, they might struggle with nutrition if they’re unsure what vegetable has what minerals in it, but okay, that’s not the end of the world, right? They’re living healthily.

One of the other things I noticed is that unlike the most of the homesteading channel, it was the husband who directed the youtube videos, and that was a huge mistake. His wife had 5 children, was incredibly smart, gentle, insightful, sweet, strong and resourceful, and I loved watching every minute of her; watching him was frustrating to say the least.

Soon I would find out that when they moved to the countryside, the house they moved in had black mold in it, and they all got sick, the entire family, and had to move out. They were forced to rent a house in the neighborhood, while they take their own house apart and clean it from mold, while still all sick. This is about as disastrous as it can get, having the entire family sick, and homeless, in an attempt to live from the land, and it was awful for them. The landlord was so awful to them, they would sometimes be forced to evacuate the house for ‘someone to come over’, and they were all obliging and moving into a camp house for these periods of time. They seemed to be holding it together somehow, the husband was slowly working on the mold and fixing the house back up.

During the pandemic, there was a shortage of canning supplies, and the family had this one big canning pot, that the wife needed to use in order to can a bunch of goods she was processing and cooking all day. The husband noticed their pot had some kind of asymmetrical spot on the bottom, took it out to ‘fix’ it, grabbed a hammer and punched a hole thru the bottom. On her canning day! When she was already cutting and processing food all day! When there was no others to even be bought at the store! It was luck she had another one in the storage, or she’d have no way to can all that food, and the loss would be huge. I’ve never seen other homesteading people do this, or even if they did, they don’t publish it.

And then, the dude ignores a tick, gets a big rash, and gets out with the news that he got checked up and is now having lyme disease. I’m in disbelief, because it’s one disaster after another, and then lyme disease? How do you not keep extremely careful about ticks when you live in nature? And his wife with so many kids, this is one thing he should have watched out for! But no, he is now sick and fevered, can’t help his wife, can’t fix the house, has to have extended recovery because lyme disease is serious and can turn into a long-term disease and disability if not treated correctly.

So I’m not liking this guy, and I’m about to like him even less. The wife, whom I adore, gets pregnant, and she is saying that she can tell she’s pregnant with twins. I’m worried for her because, she doesn’t have a safe house to raise another two kids in, her husband is, like that, she already has 5 kids so that is taking all of her energy, and I’m just scared about who will be able to support her and help her take care of the kids. And then, something is wrong with the pregnancy. She is taken to the doctor, and is being told that one of the babies is dead. She’s devastated. She isn’t sure about the prognosis, but the news shook her so badly, she’s badly holding it together, and he, the husband, you know what he’s doing? He’s holding a mic up to her mouth, questioning her, forcing her to say to the audience exactly what happened and what the doctor said, and I’m just stunned and paralyzed. I don’t want a woman in deep distress to be forced to talk thru tears, just to relay information to me! I want her to take her space and tell me about it when she feels like it! I could tell she was reluctant to talk, she was in pain, she was scared and unsure of what was true, ashamed of her assumptions, insecure in what she was saying. It was so painful to watch, I closed the video. I couldn’t handle the breach of her privacy.

Later on, she decided that she isn’t happy with that prognosis, and she knows she still has two babies inside of her. She goes to get another opinion - and - she does have two live babies. She was right all along, and the doctor gave her a false information. She is relieved, but not for long, because one of the babies is struggling, and the pregnancy is turning high risk.

I am at this point so worried and emotional about the entire issue, I’m scared to even watch the videos. I just want to know if everything turns out okay, that she’s safe, that nothing else hurts her.

But, her husband has different ideas, listen to this and tell me if you believe it. So he’s filming a video where he goes into that mold-infected house and destroying the mold with a flamethrower, and he finds, what? A dead rat. He picks it up, with his hands. He goes out and gives it to his children to play. He. Gives a dead rat. To his children to play. And then his wife comes home, from the hospital, with her high risk pregnancy. And the children give the rat to her. She’s looking at him in shock, unsure what exactly is happening right now. She asks, timidly, isn’t this dangerous?

And he’s laughing. ‘No don’t worry, it’s all dry!’ he says. To his high-risk pregnant wife. He gives a dead rat, laughing. After they all got sick from that house. After they all had the mold. After he got lyme disease. After he got her into this life-threatening pregnancy. He gives her a dead rat and laughs.

At this point I am DONE with this dude!! I am done, I am angry, I’m beside myself, that is the most insane thing I’ve ever seen in my life, not to mention he filmed this and put it all up on the internet, instead of taking care of his pregnant wife he’s serving her rats, the most fucking dangerous animal that could give her numerous diseases, because he thinks it’s okay, because he doesn’t give a shit if he’s putting his entire family at risk, again, everything is funny to him. I wouldn’t let a drop of rain fall on her!! He’s giving her a dead rat.

And you’d think this would be the end of the story, and this is why I’m mad, but no, it gets worse, today I found out just how bad and I’m in pain from it, and that’s why I’m writing this down.

Some time later, he publishes a video where he admits that he is struggling with severe depression, that he’s struggling to get up in the morning, and is receiving treatment and psychiatric help. He said he was giving up on the fixing of the house and would just pursue his passion of making videos. Afterwards, there’s a few video of some adventures he’s organized, but I’m not watching because I’m just wondering how the wife is doing. I recognized by the titles of the videos that both of her babies got born just fine, and they’re all okay, and she was even talking about how it feels having seven children, and it was obvious that she was just completely exhausted.

And there weren’t any videos, for almost a year.

And then, a video made by her. I was intimidated to even check it, out of fear of what would I find there. But I wanted to know what was going on with her, so ultimately, I opened it up, and, she was looking distressed, to say the least. She explained that her husband, after the birth of the twins, got depressed, and completely checked out of their marriage, the childcare, the job, everything. He was not doing anything to support her, or to care for the kids, and they barely saw him around. She lost the house they were renting, and was moving from house to house, trying to find a place she could live.

She had to raise 7 children alone, without a partner, without any income, without anything. She finally had a friend offer to rent her a house for a year’s time, until she figured out how to make enough income to support herself and her kids, and she gratefully took it and is starting to put her life together. She also.. defended him, and praised him that he will sometimes take kids for a bit of time, and that helps her a lot. She asked everyone not to attack him. She explained she wouldn’t talk about his issues because it’s his private stuff and it was his story to tell. This is when I started sobbing, remembering how he forced her to talk about her pregnancy when she was in the middle of being devastated, how close to tears she had been when he was using her to make content. It was too startling to see the contrast on how much she respected him, his privacy, his emotions, his safety. She had been betrayed by him, lost everything because of him, had to raise seven children on her own, homeless, because of him, and she was defending his privacy, while she never got to have any in his story.

It’s just devastating. I don’t want any woman to be put thru this. This is even recorded and published online, every bit of this story, and it’s streamed for the world to see, and it’s sad and upsetting. I think she’ll find a way to make things work because she’s incredible, resourceful, and incredibly strong in the face of adversary, but she shouldn’t have to. There should have been systems put in place to help her, to protect her from this. And I didn’t have any respect for that *** from the second he handed the rat to his children, but now I’m absolutely disgusted. But this isn’t an isolated incident of a m*n bringing multiple people into danger, poverty, homelessness, devastation, exploitation, pain. And he got away with it too, protected by the very same people he hurt.

I don’t believe for a second that his situation was any worse than hers, but got to check out and make it all none of his business. She didn’t. She didn’t get to fall apart, or lose it, or check out; she had to care for her children. She didn’t get to have her emotions centered in the situation in any way except when they were being exposed for views, when she needed privacy the most. I’m heartbroken by what happened to her. Please don’t support m*n who break necessary kitchen tools and bring their families into homesteading life uninformed and untrained, and who don’t respect their wife’s privacy, safety, or even survival. F*ck that guy.

#story #youtube homesteaders #if you know the channel you can be mad with me #i didn't expect anything good from him but this was beyond my worst expectations #women need to be safe from freaks like that #he belongs into a faciliy

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strawberry-jammers · 3 years

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One year

a dreamsmp x reader where a young (y/n) wants to rebuild an old old kingdom before they have to be crowned to rule over their parents kingdom. with the help of their friends and a couple of servants, they hope to rebuild it all with out their parent knowing about it.

part one part 2 part 3

part 2/?

masterlist

The lovely @acidicvolt edited this!

this part is just traveling and fluff lmao. it'll pick up in the others <3

this series is so much fun to write, I'm really enjoying it

word count: 2,215

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It had reached midnight, the sun long gone and nearly everyone in the castle was asleep, except for three. Karl and Niki made their way to the teens room, which was at the opposite end of the castle.

"Are you sure the king’s asleep? They have been on edge as of late…” Niki said, walking alongside Karl. Karl nods, clutching the bag he always wore.

“Yeah, checked and everything. He's out like a light.”

Niki nods, sighing. “Thank god he sleeps on the other side of the castle. We'd be dead if he found out we were helping his kid like this.”

Karl nods again, looking ahead at where they were going.

In the young teens room, everything was prepared for their expedition. They packed appropriate clothes to sneak around, fight and blend in with. They had food, tools/weapons, along with the letters, money, and the lmanburg page. They were ready and excited to embark on this adventure.

Niki quietly knocks on the door, opening it a crack. Seeing that (y/n) was alone, she walks in, followed by Karl who closes the door behind them. (y/n) sighed, thankful it wasnt Eret.

“So, you know the plan?” they ask.

Niki nods, holding onto her own bag.

"Okay, I'm staying behind to tell the king you two went on a camping trip for the next year or so. Somewhere in the middle of the woods where he can't check in to see where you are." Karl says to the two of them.

"Thank you again Karl for doing that. " (y/n) says, leading Niki to their window. "Niki, you know enough of the plan right?" They asked, grabbing the ladder they had in case they ever needed to escape.

"Yeah. We're heading to Tommy’s castle first right?" She asked, watching as (y/n) opened their window. A soft breeze entered the room.

"Yep! Then we'll try to find Tubbo. Ready?" (y/n) said, hooking the ladder to the window and throwing it out the castle, trying to not make a noise.

(y/n) looked down. It wasn't too high up, but it was still a bit scary. They looked back at the two servants, nodding. “Karl, when we reach the ground, bring the ladder back up and close the window. I'll go first. Again, thank you Karl, see you in a year!” with that, (y/n) climbed out the window onto the ladder. the two servants nodded, Niki going over to the window, watching the teen start to climb down the wobbly ladder.

Once (y/n) got far enough down, they waved their hand for Niki to go after them. Niki smiled over at Karl. “It was nice meeting you, Karl.” she said, making the brunette smile as well. “It was! See you in a year Niki! Take care.” she nodded, grabbing her bag, making sure nothing was left behind. Once she saw everything was in check, she went down, following her new friend.

“Man, I should've worn a thicker sweater.” Niki said, finally reaching the ground. “Yeah, I should've checked before we left. Too late now though.” (y/n) responds, watching as the ladder slowly shrank back up into their room. The two of them waved at Karl, who smiled back at them. “Alright, where to go first? We can't just go straight to the tundra.” Niki said, watching as (y/n) looked around. It was still pretty dark out, so they hoped it wouldn't turn a day before they even left the castle grounds. “Well we need to find some transportation for when we exit the forest. Cant be going thru town, it's too early for that.'' Niki nodded, looking over at the forest. “Got any torches?” (y/n) asked the pinkett. Niki nodded, shuffling into her bag, pulling out an unlit torch and lighter. “Yep, need one?” (y/n) shook their heads. “Only one of us needs one for now, well just gotta stay close together. Let's go, we can't stay here forever.” (y/n) says, chuckling softly. “Of course! Let's go!”

The two of them entered the forest close to the castle, leaving it behind. (y/n) had no regrets, they knew they needed this, even if eret forbid them. Niki was excited, she hadn't gone on an adventure since she was small, so it was a nice change of pace.

“Yknow (y/n), we’ve never actually met properly before this. Only in passing.” she said, stepping over a thick tree root. (y/n) followed, nearly tripping. “Really? I didn't notice. Though, i was held up in my room for awhile there.” they said, looking at all the trees that encased the two of them. No matter how many years go by, they still found nature to be beautiful. “Yeah, I did become one of the king's cooks when you were 16, not too long ago.” she said,pulling a branch up for (y/n) to walk past. “Oh thank you. What were you doing before then? Before you started working for my dad.” Niki thought for a second before answering.

“Well, i was only 18 when he hired me, so i was doing what any kid did at that time. For a while I took up gardening, growing many types of flowers, though they all ended up dying after a while.” she said. (y/n) stopped, noticing the forest was ending. “i did gardening as well when i was young child. Made many flower crowns and such with them.” Niki gasped excitedly at this. “Maybe we can make flower crowns together!! I haven't done it in so long..” (y/n) smiled. ‘Of course we can! We have a whole year after all!” they laughed together, looking out at the forest in front of them. “God I hope your mom doesn't fire me when this is all over…” (y/n) looks over at Niki, giving her a reassuring smile. “Well good thing I'll be the ruler when we get back. You're not getting fired on my watch.” Niki smiled at this. “Thank you (y/n)...should we go now?” (y/n) nodded, looking ahead once more.

The two of them continue to walk, leaving the small forest behind. “Okay, we should be in a farm area. The houses are spaced out so no one should see us. Should take a half hour to an hour to get through. There should be a train station after that. It'll take us to the arctic kingdom." Niki nodded, grabbing some bread from her bag. "Bread?" (Y/n) shook their heads, declining. "I ate before we left. Thanks tho."

They both walked through the field, the torches flame flickering as they walked. There were no monsters around, since there hadn't been any around the area in 100s of years. They were safe.

Niki looked at some of the farmland, noticing they had to walk through some of it. (Y/n) noticed it as well. "How do we get through there? They'll notice someone was here in the morning." (Y/n) said, not completely knowing how to get by. "Got any ender pearls?"

(y/n) thought for a second, looking in their bag for some. “Oh, looks like I do! Got a bag full of ‘em.'' They hand some to Niki, who throws it over the larger field, hoping to get over without touching the wheat. (y/n) followed, both of them successfully getting across the farm.

“I am so glad that worked.” (y/n) said, putting the pearls back in their bag. Niki nodded, sighing. “Is the trans station past those trees?” she asked, pointing towards the small strip of trees not too far ahead of them. “Yeah, behind there's the train station. An old friend of mine runs it. Lets go!”

The two of them basically run across the field, not wanting to waste a second of their time. The sun would rise at any moment, and they really wanted to get out of town before it rose.

They had reached the trees, their original torch being burnt out from all the running. Niki grabbed and lit another, the two of them heading into the small patch of trees to the train station.

The station wasn't too much to brag about, a boring old timey train station was all it was. There was no train in sight, making the (h/c) haired teen sigh. “Damnit, the train might not be here for another several hours.” they said, heading up to the platform. Niki followed, smiling slightly. “Could be worse. Not sure how much worse but it could be worse.”

The two of them sat at a random bench in the area, looking at the map (y/n) had packed.

“So the kingdom is all the way over there, which is about 6 hours by foot. Taking the train would be around the same pass but we wouldn't be out in the open.” (y/n) says, pointing their finger along the route they need to take. “Is there a way to get there any faster?” (y/n) shrugged, looking over the map. “We could either go through the towns and such, or we could get some horses and get there that way. Wouldn't know how to get any of those, they're kinda rare in this area.'' Niki nodded, thinking for a second.

Both of their thoughts were cut off by someone's cheery voice. “Hello! It's been a long time, hasn't it (y/n)?” They looked over to see their old friend, Jack Manifold, approaching the two of them. (y/n) smiled, standing up and walking over to the said man. “Eyyyy Manifold! Good to see ya!” The two of them hug, separating soon after. (y/n) looked over at Niki. “Hey, have you met Niki?” Niki smiled, putting the map in her bag, standing up as well. “Indeed i have! To be fair, it was a brief interaction. “Nice to see ya, Niki.”

She nodded. “Nice to see you too, Jack.” (y/n) smiled, looking back over at Jack.

"Jack, we need to get to the arctic kingdom, do you know when the trains coming back?" They asked the slightly smarter man. He nodded. "Won't be coming back till noon today. I'm just here because I forgot something." (Y/n) looked up at the sky. It was getting lighter out. They sighed, looking back down at Jack. "We can't wait that long. Know any other way to get out of town fast?"

"Well, I could lend you my horse. Most of the time he just sits here and cry's." I looked at Niki, who seemed to be pleased with the offer. "Mind if we take him? We'll return him at some point obviously." Jack nodded, starting to go around the train station. "I'll be in the arctic kingdom a day or so from now, so you can return him then!" We follow Jack behind the station, where his horse sat tied up while eating some grass.

"His name is thunder, good lad. Constantly sad tho." Jack unties the reins from the pole, handing them to Niki. "Say, what's your trip for anyway?" Jack asked the two of them. (Y/n) answered. "We're going to see prince Tommy to recruit him to a project we're working on. Top secret stuff man." Jack nodded. "Seems fun. Might join you if I feel like it. Well, have fun you two." They nodded, Niki getting onto the horse and bringing him to the front of the station. "Oh, by the way. You can't tell anyone I was here, at least for the reason I am here. I know I've asked for a lot but if anyone asked, can you tell them I went camping somewhere in the woods?"

Jack nodded, smiling at the teen. "It's fine, secret adventures are cool anyway. I'll keep your secret, now grab your stuff and have fun on your journey." They smiled, hugging the male. "Thanks Jack, I'll repay you eventually." They say while letting go of their friend.

He nodded. "Anytime (y/n). Now go, Niki’s waiting." They nodded, running off to the front of the station. They spotted Niki on thunder, who held all our bags. I looked up at her. "You know how to ride a horse?" They asked, trying to get up onto the horse. Niki giggled, helping them up. "Yeah, I was taught when I was younger. Come on, gotta get out of here before the sun rises right?" (Y/n) smiled, latching onto Niki lightly, so as to not fall off.

"Yeah, lets go!" They took off, running along the tracks. The sun rose as they went, turning the sky into a pinkish color.

Niki slowed the horse down a bit, staring at the beautiful sky. "I love the sunrise…" (y/n) hummed in agreement, resting their head on Niki’s shoulder.

"I haven't seen it in awhile. Always amazes me." Niki nodded, smiling softly. "Should we continue or just watch the sunrise?" (Y/n) chuckled, lifting their head off the woman's shoulder. "We should go. Maybe we could watch the sunrise tomorrow.

Niki nodded, returning the horse to his original pace.

They left towards a small path in the forest, leaving towards the arctic kingdom where they'll hopefully find the first person they need to reach.

Hopefully.

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series tag list, ask if you wanna be added!

@xx-smiley-xx

#mcyt x reader #dreamsmp x reader #niki nihachu x reader #jack manifold x reader #karl jacobs x reader #royal au #sbi au #niki nihachu x you #niki nihachu x y/n #jack manifold x you #jack manifold x y/n #karl jacobs x you #karl jacobs x y/n #tommyinnit x reader #eret x reader #wilbur soot x reader #Dsmp Royal Au #One Year fic

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delimeful · 4 years

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you will see a better day

donation drive commission for @starrykid with the prompt: Remus dealing with intrusive thoughts and the others helping him through it.

warnings: canon setting, intrusive thoughts (a fair amount), gore mentions, implications of thoughts of self harm, Remus Going Thru It

Before, whenever he had a Bad Day, it was just more fuel on the trash fire that was his brain.

It was routine: Remus would wake up with a litany of grotesque images on the back of his eyelids, present every time he blinked or squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. These thoughts weren’t the fun kind of gross, the type that was fascinating or funny. They weren’t fun because he didn’t choose them, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get rid of them if he didn’t like them.

Guess that was how everyone else felt about you. Remus mashed a pillow over his own face as though it would muffle his own mind. What a stupid thought. He was a luxury few could afford, thank-you-very-much!

Back then, as soon as possible, he would find someone else in the Mindscape to bother, because if he had to deal with the awful thoughts carving and chipping away at the inside of his skull, it was only fair to share.

That was before, when things had been black and white and he could be a monster all he pleased because it wasn’t like anyone else thought differently. It wasn’t like Thomas thought differently.

Until he did.

And now they were all in one muddled up Mindscape and the others were trying, making an effort to clot their own bad habits and setting a place for him at the table. It was slow-going, like shoving a square peg into a circular hole, but it was also the most he’d ever had. Until something splintered, he was going to soak in every minute of it.

Or at least, that was his plan, up until he hit another Bad Day like a semi truck hit thrice-dead roadkill.

Same thoughts, same pounding (heh) headache. The difference was, now he couldn’t go word-vomit all over the nearest Side until he felt a little less like he was drowning. He was working to keep the delicate peace in his own way, and that meant not bothering the others with his… himself-ness on days like these.

He couldn’t stay in his room all day, though. For one it was boring, and for two, ever since they’d all agreed to try and cohabitate, Patton and Janus in particular were insistent on checking in if anyone acted strange. Cooping up in his room and not being his usual fantastically sickening and outrageous self would definitely pop up on their radar. If that happened, there was no way he could fool Janus outright. He preferred his own brand of frank honesty anyways, so clearly the only solution was to behave normally enough that nobody looked twice.

His version of normal, anyhow.

He groaned loudly and then dragged in a breath, manifesting a pair of slippers that looked uncannily like dead fish onto his feet. He would just have to put his excellent acting skills to use.

—-

Remus’s willpower was put to the test as soon as he reached the kitchen. A new record of his ability to destroy plans, this must be why Janus never told him anything.

Patton was spinning himself in circles on one of the round stools by the bar counter, humming a cartoon theme brightly to himself. At the stovetop, Virgil was sedately flipping pancakes, an easy set to his shoulders that meant he had probably recently taken a long-overdue nap in Logan’s room.

Normally, Remus would already be halfway into teasing the hell out of him, but now his brain felt scrambled with panic. Virgil was particularly susceptible to getting dragged into the cycle of intrusive thoughts on days like these, which meant the anxious Side was the last one he wanted to run into at the moment.

Two birds with one brick, his stupid hell brain suggested slyly. Send Virgil into a spiral and then it’ll be him who gets nagged, his fault for ruining the friendly atmosphere.

Stop it. Remus’s face twitched into a self-directed snarl for a moment, and he forced the thought away as Patton finally slowed his rotation to smile dizzily at him.

“Remus! Good morning!”

Virgil glanced over his shoulder, sending Remus’s heart rate briefly into the triple digits. Be normal be normal be normal. “Hey, Re. Morning.”

He didn’t even notice. So much for being your friend. If you’re subtle enough, you could sidle up behind him and smash his face into the hot burner—

“WHAT’S UP, FUCKERS!” Remus shouted, teeth spread in a too-wide grin. He bounced into the kitchen, depositing an assorted handful of teeth (his preferred currency) into the swear jar before Patton could say anything, and planted himself on the middle bar stool.

Patton scooted one stool closer to be next to him, because of course he did. Remus resisted the urge to start prying out handfuls of hair, his own or— no. Toned down, he was keeping it toned down. Buttcheek on a stick, this was difficult.

“Want to spin with me?” Patton asked, shifting antsily from side to side with barely contained energy.

“Whoever pukes first wins?” Remus replied automatically, and felt a bright burst of giddy joy when Patton giggle-snorted instead of recoiling.

“I think upchuck is actually supposed to mean you lose your lunch and the spinning contest, kiddo.”

Of course it did. You were designed to be the loser, even if you try to change the rules.

Remus knew that this time Patton had spotted the way his lips twitched down into a grimace, but before the fatherly side could say anything, there was the clink of ceramic plates on the counter in front of them.

“No spinning and/or vomiting if you want to eat my pancakes,” Virgil demanded, wielding a spatula threateningly at them as he clicked the stovetop off. “We’ll never hear the end of it from Princey if he has to reconjure all the furniture.”

Irrational, heated anger burned through him. Like Virgil could do anything to stop you. Social interaction was enough to give the guy a panic attack, he couldn’t tell Remus to do or not do anything—

“You good, Re?” Virgil asked, and he jerked, avoiding the other Side’s gaze as though eye contact would expose his thoughts. After a beat too long, his mind finally caught up with the plate in front of him.

His pancake was covered in a truly disgusting amount of cheese and ketchup, the way he always requested it back when they’d all been Dark Sides. Despite the fact that he always made a face back then, Virgil had made a point to remember, had done it without asking.

Like ravenous wolves, his thoughts instantly turned against him.

Pathetic. How could you think things like that about people who trust you? You shouldn’t even be here, pretending to be a person. You deserve everything coming to you.

His hand made it halfway to the fork sitting innocently next to his plate before he remembered himself. Virgil was still looking at him, clearly having caught the motion, and Remus lowered his hand, white-knuckled.

“Me, good? That’s a funny one, V-mo!” he tried to joke, but the odd edge to his voice made it fall flat. Virgil was outright frowning now, and out of the corner of his vision Patton’s eyebrows were drawing together.

“What’s wrong?” Virgil asked, his frame tight with tension and his gaze drilling into Remus. “Are you hurt?”

“I could be!” Remus blurted, trying to keep his tone saucy but ending up with something closer to desperate. “You ever think maybe bashing my skull in would be better than having to deal with its contents?”

The two of them winced, and he knew he’d given himself away completely. Shit.

Virgil reached out, and then stopped himself before he could make contact. Can you blame him? Jumping into an electrified tank of leeches would be more comfortable than willingly exposing himself to you.

Something of his internal diatribe must have shown on Remus’s face, because Virgil’s hesitant expression flickered into regret.

“Shit,” he swore, and this time Patton didn’t chide him. “I can’t-- I don’t want to send you into a spiral, Re. If I touch you, we’re just going to be stuck in a feedback loop of bad thoughts.”

“Like how you’re perpetually stuck in 2009?” Remus offered, instead of listing all the ways he could feasibly remove Virgil’s eyes from their sockets. It would almost be fun, if it wasn’t his friend’s eyes he was contemplating prying out with a spoon handle.

Virgil’s lips pulled up slightly. “Yeah, just like that. I’m gonna go get the others. They’ll be able to help you for real.”

He sunk out, and Remus’s head started to ache more severely as terrible and often gory predictions for the future began to crowd his mind. He shoved his hands into the roots of his hair and tugged ferociously.

“Hey, buddy, you shouldn’t pull on your hair like that,” a concerned voice chimed in. Remus had almost forgotten Patton was still there, sitting only a seat away.

He pulled harder on his hair, both out of spite and to distract himself from the urge to summon a weapon and see if Patton would still look at you with so much pity if you shanked his ass and tied his intestines into little bows.

“Hey, what do you call a seasick croc?” Patton asked, abruptly enough that Remus managed to shake his train of thought. He glanced up to look at the Heart, who offered him a tremulous mischievous smile. “A crocobile.”

Remus snorted, and Patton’s smile seemed to firm up.

“How about, why do ducks have tail feathers?” the moral Side asked in that same leading tone.

Remus thought for a minute. “‘Cause otherwise they’d lose their balance in flight and go splat against the nearest window?”

“I mean, maybe, but also!” Patton held up a finger for emphasis. “They have tail feathers to cover their… butt-quacks.”

There was a beat of anticipation where they both stared at each other, and then Remus threw his head back and outright cackled. Patton fist pumped in delight.

“I thought you might like that one, kiddo,” he said, beaming. Before Remus could reply, possibly with an atrocious pun of his own, Roman strode into the room.

There was a brief, awkward pause as the two of them made eye contact. Patton looked rapidly between them with concern, and Remus couldn’t blame him. Even now, their one-on-one interactions tended to end with vicious spats. They were too good, too practiced at pressing each other's buttons to settle into the newfound peace easily.

“... Bad one?” he finally asked, as though he could spot the wrong-evil-awful all over Remus from a mile away. Remus felt his expression drop into an irritable glower worthy of Anxiety, but before he could retort, Roman was seating himself primly on the communal couch.

He ran his hand through the hair at the nape of his neck in a nervous habit Remus constantly teased him about, and then straightened his shoulders and patted the cushion next to him. “I’ll… like when we were kids. If you want.”

Despite Patton’s confused head tilt, Remus got it immediately, and ignored the screaming violence in his head in favor of bodily throwing himself over the couch, jostling the hell out of his brother and eliciting a Grade-A Bitchface from him in the process. Remus grinned maliciously in return.

“Do the one that looks like a snake,” he demanded, running a hand through his hair and lengthening it. Of course, in addition, thick clumps of hair ended up falling out entirely, leaving weird-feeling bald patches that might have been interesting if he’d actually intended to create them.

“On purpose or don’t want it?” Roman asked, echoing a familiar question from their childhood. It had been a royal decree, before they grew so divided, that one had to ask before ‘fixing’ anything the other did, just in case it was on purpose.

“How are you supposed to braid what isn’t there?” Remus grumbled, gnawing on the inside of his cheek as he unwillingly imagined restapling his hair to his skull. “Don’t want it.”

Roman dragged his fingers through Remus’s hair, lengthening it until it was long enough to do all sorts of stupid-complicated braids. He also made the new hair unforgivably glossy and apple-scented, but Remus could get him back for that later, when he was sure it wouldn’t be (nails through nasal cavities, a cloud of suffocating darkness, decaying hands pulling you down into freshly turned soil and burying you alive) disproportionate retribution.

Two braids later, Logan appeared, rising up in the mindscape with his tie perfectly aligned but lab goggle imprints around his eyes. He only took a moment to absorb the scene, as though it was normal that everyone was crowding around Remus attentively. “Virgil informed me that you could use some assistance?”

Remus snorted. “Maybe you can perform some impromptu brain surgery to stop me thinking? Hey, if you don’t use anesthetic, I promise not to squirm too much, doc.”

“I don’t believe that man’s ever been to medical school,” Roman quoted absently, still caught up in combining three braids together into one.

Logan rolled his eyes. “Regardless of my unfortunately lacking PhD status, I believe brain surgery to ‘stop one thinking’ is also colloquially referred to as an induced coma.”

“Perfect!” Remus cheered, and then yelped when Roman tugged on his hair harshly in retribution. Patton was making that half-pitiful, half-furious face that he always made whenever the emo talked bad about himself, strangely enough.

“There are plenty of adjectives I could use to describe such a solution, but none of them would be ‘perfect’, Remus,” Logan continued. “A more effective and patient-friendly answer would be addressing your irritating or harmful thoughts through the use of various mental health tactics.”

Easy for him to say. “That might work for Tommy-boy, but I am the harmful or irritating thoughts, remember?”

“Falsehood.” Logan declared, proving that no matter what aspect of Thomas they were, the Sides were all dramatic theater kid bastards at heart. “It has become increasingly clear that while we all formed to handle certain tasks or aspects, we are all increasingly complex at heart. None of us can be diminished to simply one trait. In the same way that Virgil is much more than the experience of anxiety, there is no logical reason to reduce yourself to the thoughts that you struggle with.”

Remus shook his head, though he wasn’t sure what part of the assertion he was resisting. Logan folded himself into a sitting position and reached over for Remus’s hand, his touch grounding.

“You’ve gotten through days like this before. You’ll continue to do so after,” Logan told him.

“I got through Bad Days by making everyone’s day bad,” Remus retorted. “I’m not you, but I’m not stupid. Nobody wants me making it into a communal event.”

“That’s what family’s for though,” Patton said, shifting closer from his own spot on the rug. “Listening. Helping. Having each other’s backs when things get tough!”

Logan’s grip didn’t falter. Roman’s presence was solid at his back. Remus was beginning to wonder if he’d snorted something hallucinogenic recently.

“The sentiment is admirable, if a bit hypocritical,” a familiar voice chimed in, and Remus looked up to see Janus leaning elegantly against the kitchen archway. Virgil elbowed his way past, ruining the dramatic pose and flopping down on the couch next to Remus. He bumped his shoe against Remus’s leg in quiet camaraderie.

“Hypocritical?” Logan echoed, raising an eyebrow.

“Unless you’d like to tell me that everyone here has no problems whatsoever asking for help or expressing vulnerability on their bad days,” Janus proposed, smugly.

Logan inclined his head slightly. “Point.”

“Regardless, that doesn’t make Logic or Morality incorrect.” Janus looked at Remus intently. “None of us are allowed to simply suffer in silence, anymore.”

“I didn’t exactly suffer in silence before,” he pointed out, sounding uncannily sensible. Probably from the nerd’s proximity.

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem now, hmm?” Janus replied.

Logan sighed at them all, collectively, in general. “Look at it from this angle, Remus. Your previous coping mechanism was generally detrimental due to your lack of options and isolation. Now, you have neither of those holding you back. With knowledge and assistance, you can only improve from here on out.”

Now, that was doubtful. “And what if I don’t, huh? What if I just get worse?”

“Then we’ll still be here.” Logan squeezed his hand, and Janus confirmed his words with a nod, and even though his mind was cluttered and overwhelming, they were all still there at his side without complaint.

Maybe it wasn’t too much to ask, after all.

“Well, what are we trying first?”

#sanders sides #ts remus #ts janus #ts roman #ts patton #ts logan #ts virgil #donation drive #commissioned works #writing #my writing #starrykid #woohoo!#hurt/comfort #found family

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cloveroctobers · 3 years

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GENEVIEVE ALIU —

IG info/bio: @/genevealiu1 | 19k followers | currently on a journey as a junior doctor living in 🇦🇺🤎 | blm.card.co🖤 | sk💛

26 years of age

Born and raised in Glastonbury, England

Pisces sun? + libra moon?

Mother is Guyanese and works for a non-profit organization

Her father is Nigerian and works in property management

has one older brother who is a Prosthetist and resides in Nigeria with his pregnant fiancée

She can’t wait to be a auntie!!!

And a younger sister who is a medical laboratory technician

To say the least, their parents were happy that their children fell into the medical field. Based on their cultures it was a honor to have their children in these professions

Vieve grew up with a sassy demeanor and her parents have old videos on their camcorders to prove it lol, it never fails that the pair brings out the embarrassing vids during the holidays but vieve genuinely appreciates them

Although thanksgiving is a RACIST American thing, vieve never misses the opportunity to share what she’s thankful for in life and counts all of it as blessings! But it’s still fuck the pilgrims

Has held a friendsgiving before, loves any moment where she can host gatherings or attend them! either is quite fine. She loves being around people

the only time she likes to look back on the past is to see how she and her family carried themselves then and how the evolved into who they are now, it’s interesting to see

Loves “how it started vs how it’s going” posts and might have participated in a few

Always knew from a young age that she wanted to help people in some way, she was always doing something to help around the house and especially her aging/sickly grandparents

Felt offended that many people around school that she thought were her friends would stab her in the back labeling her as this “fake saint” since she rather spend her time volunteering instead of going to house parties in hs

Don’t get it twisted, she still went to those too & had her fun but definitely felt like it was the same routine and nothing ever felt fulfilling at these functions after awhile

Well known with all the cliques around school but had her own group of friends that fit into many of those cliques but she never felt obligated to stick to one social group. If you were nice and cool with her, she was the same to you, if you weren’t? Depending on her mood, she’d ignore you/say things under her breath or be “fake nice” as a form of being the bigger person

Has a curly hair routine that she consistently follows (after struggling to find the right products to make them flourish) and gets annoyed with if her curls don’t turn out the way she knows they can, it’s always frustrating when things don’t turn out the way you want them to but isn’t afraid to at least try

Three times is the charm! Is one of her mottos

loves bright colors, flowy attire, big hats, brimmed hats, bucket hats, berets, etc...

Has faced racism/prejudices and bullying growing up in public spaces—mostly school/uni & some of those same hatred actions online now that she’s dating seb

Because of that there were times where she felt insecure but deff grew to forgive, heal, and rise above the hate, she knows her worth

Has never been happier in a relationship than she is with seb, he’s her “moody long-haired, soft-hearted bby”

they’re both complete fools for each other and vieve is more vocal about her being in love/finding her soulmate whereas seb doesn’t mind showing it rather than speaking it—even tho he’s on a podcast but we mind our business okay?!

Seb is thinking of moving to Australia with vieve, he’s ready to risk it all for this woman, HIS woman 🤩

canon: gives more than she should/taken advantage of/not reciprocating in relationships... ex) how she dated a guy that she did everything for! especially financially and also struggled to find her worth but once she did? Her aura shined brighter than before— Ik chill out there Rocco

Also believes in loving yourself first to attract what you need in this world and found that in her career and seb. I hope they’re endgame! Since they’re the only couple I rooted for this season? Except for tai & ciaran maybe? They’re probably not endgame but whatever

They still get nervous/shy around each other even tho they’ve been together for months now + are in a long distance relationship which is too cute! I think since they’re in this for the long game they can look back on moments and still feel the way they felt in that moment. You know if you get the chance or have already heard elderly people talk about their relationships and how they get all starry eyed? That’s vieve & seb, that shit gets me right in my feels ew

Vieve’s love language is quality time, it’s what she shows and likes along with acts of service from her partner

Makes the best jollof rice & her fav dish is Metemgee

Trying to be on a plant-based diet only but will have her cheat days on occasion—mostly when she’s drunk and forgets her diet plan lmao that’s me getting double cheeseburgers or anything with dairy drunk af

now living in Australia, she tried to like vegemite but...the it’s a no for her, respectfully ofc! She never wants to disrespect anyone

besides the food, the atmosphere is much nicer since she feels like she’s on a holiday almost everyday and that there’s much more to see and do when she has the time

Loves the beaches and is thinking about surfing lessons

yes she enjoys those doctor shows and can agree that most scenarios are not the same as rl ofc but great question!

Since she’s a junior doctor now, and on her way to graduation! She feels so accomplished and having this chance to complete what she’s wanted her whole life in a different place, makes her super emotional

All those stressful all-nighters will be worth it. She mostly did it on her own but is nothing but humble and Is thankful to those that have helped her along the way, what kind of person would she be if she didn’t mention them?

and when COVID hit, she was one of many already on the frontlines. Her studies became altered but this wouldn’t stop her for her mission on this earth, this was her purpose and she knew we would conquer it all—but definitely has empathy and gets angry with how it’s being handled from time to time

She’s been exposed to it first hand which aboustely worries her parents, seb, her friends, and friends from the villa

Keeps up to date when all medical news, has a whole app dedicated to health

Learning French with some of her free time and is doing well at it

It was only natural for her to become closer to elladine since their men are homies and have a podcast together

They’ve hung out a few times on a double dates before the boat vacation & once just as girls before vieve left to Australia

Vieve is always offering advice but knows that every relationship is different and what works for her and seb won’t work for elladine and Nicky, she loves them together and knows everyone has bumps in the road

feels there’s some sort of tension between her and Harry now? Which she found a little off putting since they were supposed to be friends but she realizes that Harry has a condition but it’s also not an excuse for him to treat her shitty sometimes which he does and feels like it comes out of nowhere most times but he always apologizes yet vieve is slowly getting tired of this unhealthy habits

So they’re talking less these days, which he notices!

She wants Harry to find his happiness too! If he hasn’t found it in mc first that is

has met Tim— he’s a great laugh and seems like a nice guy—they follow each other, talia and jake in person when she was out with seb—they were also super nice and congratulated them on their win, she went up to miles once on a night out—he’s still a arsehole, priya reached out to her via dm about her new boutique that she wanted her to model in someday, Hope was just as stunning in person along with Siobhan, Chelsea & mc s2 were also kind, and a couple of the guys also wished her and seb well

She’s also noticed some of the shit talking coming from Elisa, Allegra, Lucy, and mc s1 (subtle shade from mc, basically about how vieve reacted if mc decided to give Harry a go but that was only brought to her attention thru fans) online but again, vieve peeped it and felt majority of it didn’t require a response. She was too happy in life rn and she had a man and they don’t

Plans to get a komondor, thinks they’re super cute! — seb does not “if you love me, you’ll love our child.” “It’s a bloody mop dog! And I’m a cat dad, you know that!” “Don’t talk about him like that, he’s got feelings just like your cat babies!”

I feel like she’s a matcha & Frappuccino lover, tries to keep her drinks simple and feels guilty when she has to make adjustments but the heart wants what it wants

Mini Countryman owner, she also drives like a “granny” better safe than sorry! She hates fast drivers, there’s absolutely no need for it!

Minimal makeup: eyeshadow, moisturizer, & a nude lip and she’s good to go

Secretly obsessed with among us, second life, and SIMS!!!

Celeb crushes? Heath ledger, Tyler posey, KENDRICK SAMPSON, Jordan fisher, Algee smith, Donald Glover, Mack Wilds, Khleo Thomas, Robert Ri’chard, Tahj Mowry, & Hasan Minhaj

Listens to: DaniLeigh, ABIR, Mary J. Blige, TORI KELLY, Us the duo, 11:11, Jacob Latimore, fifth harmony, joya mooi, & Greentea Peng, etc...

Anthem: The Cheetah Girls — Cinderella

#litg #litg3 #litg s3 #litg genevieve #litg moodboard #litg headcanons #litg headcanon #litg seb #litg Harry #litg mc #litg oc #litg elladine #litg Nicky #idk if I did her justice but my apologies to her and y’all if not lol #litg Tim #litg talia #litg jake #litg priya #litg hope

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bellafarella · 3 years

Note

I’m really new to this whole fandom. I’ve only started watching shameless in the beginning of 2020 and loved it pretty much got me thru that shitty year. Didn’t really have any one to talk to about it and turned to Twitter and even made a new account just to talk about the show. I was enjoying the shameless fandom but as of recently I realized that most people in this fandom are fucking rude and just very two faced. I’m new to fandoms in general. I’ve always been a quiet watcher and never wanted to annoy people with my opinions lol always felt like no one would listen to me.

Anyways, I really like your non-spoilers. I have anxiety as well and I really really appreciate your posts cause I like to know what I’m getting into. Because like everyone in this fandom (that I’ve noticed) I get my hopes up way too much and just don’t want to be disappointed. On Twitter I just see a lot of shit talking about your posts and I just want to say I know it must suck and you’re really fucking cool for handling it the way you do cause I know i wouldn’t be able to do it. You handle every comment so well and always catching myself laughing at your replies. I’m always rooting for you lol. I’ve also notice that they start shit talking one day and then once the episode is released they’re like magically nice again. Spoilers or not seems like they’re still disappointed tho so why send you hate? I just had enough of the bullshit and I just wanted to reach out to you.I’m pretty sure I’m gonna delete my Twitter account once shameless is all over. I just don’t think I’m cut out to be in any fandom lol . Everyday I really struggle sometimes to hold my toungue with this show’s fandom.😂😂

So yeah thank you for being you. You’re pretty fucking awesome ! Have a great day/week! And can’t wait to read what you have to say!!! 😊😊😊 don’t listen to those rude ass people just keeping doing what you’re doing🤟🏼

ARE YOU MY GUARDIAN ANGEL???????????? WHERE DID YOU COME FROM !!!!!!!!! TELL ME YOUR WAYS!

i’m literally going to cry for real though. this is so fucking nice, like what, come be my friend 🥺🥺🥺

idk why theres so much drama tbh, like its all happening right now and im having major fucking anxiety about it. this person wrote a shitty reply to someone else about “screeners” and how they’re always wrong and their opinions suck, etc, they meant me because days ago we got into a heated discussion and mutually blocked each other. i made a tweet saying i dont post my spoilers for attention like they say, but because people have anxiety and it helps them to know what to expect before watching. like you’ve just proven to me!! i have major anxiety too so i know it helps so i make my posts. i’ve continuously told everyone that if you do not want to see my spoilers then block me. i will not alter how i post for anybody. i make a poll on twitter and if the majority wants them, i post them. i post here cause yall are always in my asks about them so i figure you want them LOL and i tag my shit correctly. avoid me if you don’t want to see it. idk what people don’t understand about this. but some people feel the need to start drama with me, slandering my name like i’ve done this for “attention” when clearly they want attention by bringing me into this bull shit.

this fandom can be really rude, especially on twitter, i don’t blame you for wanting out when the show ends. i feel very similarly LOL

you’re so fucking kind though to message me like this, i feel better so thank you for that. you’re amazing, and i dont know you but i love you 🥺 thank you for saying all this 💕💕

p.s. haters love to hate

#anon #reply #ur so nice please 💕

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thephotographikdaillies · 4 years

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*Final Edit August 12 2020

#Montreal ✒📓

One of the rare statements I will ever make about politics.

Straight to the point: The Republican will not hire you and will say to your face that he doesn't like you!

The democrat will listen to your story show concern pretend that he cares! He will hire you, promote you with a prestigious title, but your way underpaid compared to others with the same title, same position! Basically you have to pay a cut for the favor that he gives by hiring you, for the name that he granted you ... And he expects you to worship him for that favor even though you are qualified and have proven yourself! He expects you to worship him, respect him, testify about how much of a good man he his, how he doesn't have a drop of racism running thru his veins, when both you and him know that it's furthest from the truth.

Republican or Democrat to me are running the same systemic type racism in modern society that us people of color so often complain about!

The democrat is even more dangerous than the republican... He will portray himself as your friend he will tells you or pretend how much he loves you. He will show the world how much he supports you roots for you as long as you don't cross the boundaries that he has set for you!

You have to live in accordance to his dreams and don't you dare show any signs that you can comfortably, peacefully sleep at night much less dream!

He wants your fear to reflect his fear of your own personal growth, growth that your are entitled to as a hard working human being, just like him!

He wants you be in constant fear in his presence... Just like the republican! But his fear and insecurities are hidden behind a friendly, welcoming, trustworthy, approachable mask!

I've never voted because of past religious beliefs! And today as an agnostic I can guarantee you that I will never vote for a politician in my life.. There's always some type of thirst, greed, corruption when it comes to politics I don't care who you are or what party you represent .

He might have initially ventured into politics with best intentions, greatest promises aspirations ever #UTOPIA but somewhere down the road he will inevitably get stung by the virus of corruption, that hunger for power! He becomes so insensitive sooner or later to subject matters, causes that he once upon a time cared for, stood up against, His owned theoretical beliefs and he is subject to close his eyes, participate, command, allow any illegal or inhumane actions right under his nose!

I don't own a TV nor do I watch the News! And I have noticed that free spirited and open minded people that I usually click with most often don't own or rarely watch Tv eventhough they are capable of owning one and so much more. I prefer to select and choose what I want to feed my mind with..

Republican, Democrat when it really comes down to it are both the same!

One will accept you with open arms while eating you alive on the down low, exploit you, the other will tell you straightup that he dosen't like you, your not invited to the party!

One is passive agressive the other just bluntly and publicly racist!! Both as dangerous when it comes to your personal growth!

Then again "Tout est relatif"

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passivenovember · 4 years

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tag game: 50 Q’s

I’m so sorry that you have to hear about me AGAIN like ugh will this bitch ever shut up! Thank you to my darling @coffeeandchemicals for tagging me, you are an angel and a scholar.

1. What color is your hairbrush? I’m a black girl so I use a purple wide toothed comb to detangle. It’s hecate’s gift to mankind <3

2. Name a food you’d never eat: I’m not picky but HAM AND BEANS. That’s a midwestern thing, i think, but I would rather keel over.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold. I’m cold now and I’ll be cold later.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago: slaving over Halloween decorations.

5. What’s your favorite candy bar? I don’t really like candy!

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? No, and I don’t want to.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? It was her cat, Salem. Well he’s not really a cat, he’s a goblin and masquerades as an animal.

8. What’s your favorite ice cream? Chocolate almond <3

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Water yum yum

10. Do you like your wallet? Could use more money, but. It’s a lovely plum color. I carry my travel sewing kit inside the coin pocket

11. What was the last thing you ate? I had a cookie, which is kind of unheard of for me

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Yes! I got a pair of Halloween pajamas and they’re fucking EVERYTHING

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? My partner is watching the NBA finals, so. I watched the Miami heat game against my will.

14. What’s your favorite flavor of popcorn? Cheese. I am cheesy, so it works out

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? My friend Mady. Love her

16. Ever been camping? Yeah, fuckin’ love it. About to disappear into the woods and y’all will never hear from me again!

17. Do you take vitamins? Yup. B6, B12, Iron supplements for the anemia. Also a women’s multivitamin because breast cancer runs in my family.

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? Fuck organized religion. I do practice witchcraft, however.

19. Do you have a tan? I am tan :P

20. Do you prefer Chinese or pizza? Pizza omg

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? yup, I’m a lil fairy boy.

22. What color socks do you usually wear? Halloween socks. I have a trillion pairs. Told you I was corny.

23. Do you ever drive over the speed limit? No, I’m a loser and an extremely cautious driver. It’s kind of a problem.

24. What terrifies you? Relying on people too much.

25. Look to your left, what do you see? My jewelry box. It was a present from my parents for Kwanzaa. It has bats on it <3

26. What core do you hate most? Grocery shopping, it gives me so much anxiety. I will do ANYTHING to get out of entering a supermarket and that includes blowing the driver of Amazon fresh if it comes to that.

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? The dentist from Finding Nemo.

28. What’s your favorite soda? Sprite if I’m mad, Root beer if I’m bad

29. Do you go in a fast food place or hit the drive thru? Wait, people go inside? I thought that was a joke.

30. What’s your favorite number? Number 8

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? My partner.

32. Favorite cut of beef? I don’t like red meat really. Whatever burgers are made from?

33. Last song you listened to? The monster mash

34. Last book you read? Credible Witness, it’s a book of paranormal police stories. I’ve read 46 books this year!

35. Favorite day of the week? Tuesday because I have a day off.

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? I’m dyslexic, I can barely say it the regular way, wym?

37. How do you like your coffee? I’m more of a tea person. Rice milk and peppermint with a dash of rosemary.

38. Favorite pair of shoes? I have so many shoes. Maybe my demonia bat creepers or platform boots? Who knows.

39. Time you normally get up? 5 in the morning.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunset? Sunset. Gorgeous.

41. How many blankets on your bed? Three. I like my room cold.

42. Describe your kitchen plates? Halloween plates (are you noticing a theme?) and these beautiful ceramic things my grandad got in Korea in the 80s.

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment? All my decorations are Halloween themed all year round. Clean--I like a clean kitchen. Can’t function in a messy space.

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? Moscow mule with extra lime.

45. Do you play cars? No but I read tarot!

46. What color is your car? Silver.

47. Can you change a tire? yes, my grandad made sure I could do things on my own before I moved out.

48. Your favorite country? Scotland. I miss living there so much.

49. Favorite job you’ve had? Working at the Omaha zoo. Our zoo is the best in the world, and I got to spend hours outside working with kids. Teaching about conservation and animals. I miss it--I was supposed to head a new wildlife in theatre branch but then I got laid off because of covid. I miss my job so much, im boutta cry thinking about it now.

50. I tag: @liglitterbug @shewritesdirty this is long as hell so don’t feel obligated!

#im boring #thanks for reading tho

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ofieugogyshz · 4 years

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otoya + idol sister hcs

featuring all my idol daughters!!! which is like, 4 main ones currently but five or six if i include nozomi who i’ve lost interest in and yoshiko, who i’ve gained interest in.

this wound up SO LONG and if you read all of it then you get a shiny gold star!!! featured idols are Rin, Mari, Hanamaru, and Ai Miyashita!

Otoya + All the girls

he loves having so many vibrant and awesome little sisters!!! they love to hang out together and play

Otoya, Rin, and Ai are usually the ones down to play sports together!!

Mari and Hanamaru are the ones he has a little difficulty connecting interests with, but they all still manage to get along and have fun together!

he’s also a little scared of them

because they work so hard to achieve their goals

and because they’re only school idols and have to do a lot of work more work themselves rather than thru an agency like he does

he is often in awe of them and he supports them and loves every single one of his sisters!!!

they all like to help out at the orphanage from time to time!!!

him and ai are the best at handling the little kids! ai is like a big sister and the most down to earth one of the genki girls trio

mari is a little too..... encouraging of the kids’ outlandish ideas and also sometimes likes to scare them with silly-weird stories! to which all the kids go running crying to their oniichan and otoya has to tell her to not scare them! they’re just little kids!

rin would color/craft with the kids and while she can be mature for the little kids she would also often get caught up in their excitement/energy and basically be the one who would be yelling mcdonalds! mcdonalds! with the kids

hanamaru would be the quietest one there, helping the kids read from time to time or quietly cutting crafting paper and talking to all the little shy ones who she happens to notice staring at her.

when they quietly ask her if they could become an idol like her and their oniichan, she tells them, “I used to believe that I couldn’t become an idol, too. But then I met great friends, and they believed in me, and pushed me. If you work hard, and find yourself surrounded by people who believe in you, then you can become an idol too!”

(I’mma just shove that gif in there bc that’s it that’s the scene)

sometimes they like to practice their routines together, so they can all get feedback from people with very different points of view, since they’re all from different groups and backgrounds.

otoya tries to give them a few pointers from what the academy taught him, but he’s mostly just like “wow!! you are so amazing!!” or something. Most Supportive Big Brother award when?????

he does provide constructive feedback though! it’s usually just after his usual surprise at how awesome his little sisters are already!

he’s best at providing feedback for dance movement since he loves to move around.

if a fight starts to break out among the girls somehow, he tries to step in and ask everyone to take a deep breath

the girls enjoy listening to otoya’s music! They find it very refreshing and it’s nice getting to listen to him sing and play on his guitar!

Otoya + Rin

omg sports siblings

basically anything he does with syo would also include rin

they love to play any sport together obviously but soccer is their fave!

he’s really sad to hear that she thinks she can’t wear any cute, girly clothes

[and is also understandably confused when he points out that she has no problems wearing the cute idol clothes her and her friends make?]

but he does his best to cheer her up and make her believe that she can!! He just... tells her that she’s the cutest little sister he could ever ask for and for her to please believe in herself!!! because he doesn’t know what else to say or do to show his support

of course rin is just flustered and storms off upset because she feels like no one is understanding the problem she’s having! and basically everything else follows like it does in s2e5 of love live

they love to go for runs! especially at parks!

if they pass by pet shops they will both wanna go in but they can’t stay long because rin is allergic to cats, nya :(

rin makes them cat earbands and he happily wears them with her because if that’s what will make her happy, then so be it!

orange + red hair siblings = best siblings

Otoya + Mari

oh my god. the chaotic energy.

mari is probably the one he feels most awkward with

i mean, for starters, she’s hella rich and has some detachment from reality that the rich boys in starish don’t seem to experience

she probably also has a lot of fun teasing him

especially about his s/o

oh my god don’t let her know about his s/o

you know the >;3 face? she makes that face. all the time. any and every time s/o’s name comes up

she also probably ‘helps’ push them along by buying him two tickets to something ridiculously elaborate or expensive. because she can. she can do what she wants with her inheritance from the Ohara family

he is just a poor boy who grew up in an orphanage and hasn’t forgotten his roots mostly. he does not understand the freedom she has in spending money. he’s amazed when she arrives in a jet the first time they meet

Otoya probably feels bad for Mari when she manages to finally open up to him about her problems with her friends with the original Aqours and why they split. he probably tells her something like “that’s a toughie” and to be more honest with her feelings and maybe if she explained everything, they can all go back to being friends again!

ofc that doesn’t happen

and i forget what happened in s2 or whatever that got mari worried again bc sunshine was just that bad but i digress

When Mari makes her Stewshine, he is very intimidated by her and suddenly feels like he’s going to experience Natsuki’s cooking again

(it, fortunately, seems to taste better than Natsuki’s cooking)

Otoya + Hanamaru

this sister is so quiet, so sweet!

otoya usually does most of the talking, but hanamaru doesn’t mind! it’s nice to listen to him be so excited about stuff, and it reminds her of her best friends a bit, too!

if he doesn’t know what a word means or has trouble understanding some difficult text, and tokiya isn’t answering, he’ll go and ask her for help!

he feels a little bad about it bc he’s supposed to be the one that’s helping her, but she doesn’t mind and never makes him feel bad for it!

he cheers for her the most when it’s workout time! he helps her learn to do some breathing exercises to help build her stamina or something

i honestly don’t have much for him and hanamaru bc she’s the only one that isn’t an energetic child, but they are still very sweet to each other!

he tries to help her sometimes when she’s working the library but he’s too loud and impatient and distractable to help with some of the busywork. maybe he can help reshelve books.

Otoya + Ai Miyashita

He is scared of Ai the most!

i’m not sure how to phrase it or point out specifically why, but maybe because she’s just as excitable as he is!

she’s very energetic, so both of them can go on talking forever and ever about things!

she’s a lot more fashion-conscience than he is, so he’ll sometimes ask her for her opinion on stuff

he also probably would ask her to help with rin’s character arc re her feminity, but love live canon would not make it so. except maybe in that all stars app but i don’t have enough room to run it between llsif and shining live......

while they don’t have many interests in common, ai is still good at school and athletics, so she probably joins him and rin from time to time for a game of soccer! or something.

i’m p sure ai mikaze vs ai miyashita comes up in a conversation at some point early in. like

like how she’s really loose with her language and informal and energetic and stuff, while he’s very quiet and formal and cautious and calm. the stark contrast between the two ais!

also ai probably makes a pun about it? can you make a pun about it? I wouldn’t know I’m not a japanese speaker.

puns. so many puns

a lot of them fall short of their mark with otoya? maybe?

like, he probably is just like “Eh?” when she busts out into laughter at her own bad puns.

despite them not having many similar interest outside of idol work, they both get along very well! they both have very ‘easy’ and relaxed personalities, despite their big energy!

they both are very big helpers!!! so ai would be the one that he would ask for help from the most when it comes to the preschool orphanage

ai helps out there the most of all of the girls, because she really loves helping!

he probably helps her brainstorm her call sign! because they’re both very friendly individuals, he probably helped her come up with the high five part of her call by accident when they high-five’d sometime!

if you made it this far, congrats!! that is about all i have for my idol children!!! well the two actual idol series. I guess i technically have two more from tokyo mirage sessions! but it’s not the same as an actual idol series!

#i have to specify ai miyashita because there's an ai already in utapri lfmckmkf #-#--#---#----#-----#my idol kids #aidol daughter #book daughter #zura daughter #nyan daughter #my idol son #sonshine #shiny daughter #look i usually don't cross the fandoms that much among my kids and especially not between my idol kids and my husband #but i can have a little crossover hcs #as a treat

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alitheamateur · 5 years

Text

Harley & Heat Lightening

A Tommy Conlon/Reader Imagine

This is just my own little guilty fantasy....

Warnings: NSFW. Language. Mentions of night terrors. I mean, I just feel like Tommy Conlon in general is a warning.

Word Count: 2,149

(Photo from Google)

The beaming white glow of a notification on the chipped screen of your phone face-up on the nightstand seeped through your closed eyelids. The chime notified of you the facts you already knew regarding a warning for heat-lightening throughout this blazing summer night. You praised the heavens for the air conditioning blaring from the vent in the corner of the bedroom you shared with your boyfriend, who was seemingly missing concluding from the cool sheets on his side of the queen bed. 2:53 in the morning by the looks of the alarm clock, which meant Tommy was probably up with a nightmare again, and was roaming the house somewhere, most likely clutching a sleep aid in the form of a whiskey bottle. He had those relentless demons under control for the most part. But, you always kept a single bottle of his favorite brand tucked away for emergencies. You didn’t understand what he went through, and you certainly couldn’t cure him. So, you’d love him amply, and if he needed a swig to knock back a terrorizing flashback here and there, so be it.

You squirmed and rooted amongst the tangling wad of sheets, fluffing and flopping your pillow to seek a comfortable position in the empty bed, but it was useless. You’d worked yourself into a restless, irritable tizzy, so you decided to mosey downstairs to investigate Tommy’s state. The ribbed, white tank top belonging to the man in question fit your frame loosely, and the lightweight cotton kept you cool on nights like this. And of course, he never complained about your skimpy preference in sleep attire. You tied your hair into a floppy muddle at the top of your head so the ensuing sweat on the nape of you neck could drink in some breeze, as your bare-feet padded down the four stairs leading into the tiled kitchen.

The hanging light above the sink which Tommy usually flicked on when he escaped the bedroom for a night cap wasn’t on, and the entire span of the lower level was pitch dark aside from the thin lines of moonlight coming thru the blinds to paint the floor.

“Tommy?” You whispered. Truthfully a bit alarmed at the bleak silence around you.

When receiving no answer, you tip-toed stealthy to the side door leading into your garage, peeping around each corner like a scared cat along the way. When you gripped the handle to pull open the door, and the yellow, dingy light of an overhanging bulb dilated your eyes contrasting the darkness, and you saw Tommy twisting a wrench somewhere on the motor of his bike, you sighed with relief.

“Hey you. I didn’t wake ya’, did I baby?” He turned at attention when the metal hinges squeaked upon your opening. Tommy sat shirtless on a scuffed stool, the wheels attached to its legs rolled him towards a toolbox to exchange out his wrench. His torso glistened in the light just so subtly, and his top lip beaded barely with sweat, which told you he must’ve escaped the bed much earlier than you discovered.

“Not at all. I just noticed you weren’t in bed, and I thought I’d come check on you.”

You crossed your arms over your chest, trying to conceal the noticeable peak of your nipple raising through the shirt you wore. It was teetering 96 degrees, and there wasn’t a single waft of wind outside, but you knew it was simply a reaction to the sight of Tommy, basted with perspiration, and smudged with motor grease. As he clanged a hammer onto some unknown piece of the motorcycle, the muscles of his back crawled and stretched beneath his suntanned skin, and the heat at your center could make this July night in Pittsburgh seem like the North Pole.

“Yeah, I uh… I couldn’t sleep. I was tossin’ and fuckin’ turnin’, so I came on out here so you could rest.”

You felt proud, and at ease that he’d chose to tinker with his motorized toy, rather than turn straight to the liquor as an outlet. The dreams, and the panic had become less present since you’d moved in permanently, and you thought maybe there was a sunny horizon in the near future. Peace for Tommy, and less worry for you.

“I know the feeling. That A/C is nice and all, but on a night this hot, nothing really keeps you comfortable enough to rest really. Whatcha workin’ on?” You inquired, lazily approaching to look in on his little project. Before you reached Tommy, you sidetracked to his work bench in the corner, clenching onto a stained, but clean rag to wipe down his dripping neck. When you patted his back, and blew cool, airy breaths under the hair that rested on his ears, Tommy huskily sighed and leaned further into your feather-like feminine touch.

“Nothin’ you’d be interested in. Just tryin’ t’ distract myself. Idle hands, y’know?”

He reached backward to clench your hand from where it rested on his hard shoulder and pulled it closer to his mouth where he could kiss your soft palm. His always moistened lips lingered, and you ran your fingers through his disheveled, musky-scented hair to relish furthermore into his touch.

“Seems like I got anotha little distract that needs my attention though, hm?”

He slothfully laid his head back to rest on your standing form behind him, and the crown of it settled perfectly between your barely shielded breasts. Tommy turned his cheek into you, nuzzling into your pert, pink bud. He remained planted in the mobile seat, but suddenly decided to roll the wheels around, circling a 180 to face you.

Your fitful, whimpering squeaks of approval made him grin callously, and he continued his works to have you panting and damp like a shameless nymph. There was nothing Tommy didn’t put his whole mind to when he wanted it, and making sure your screams were louder than the time before, was no exception.

You sat willfully onto his open lap, straddling and grinding heartily on the pulsing member inside his flattering track shorts, eliciting Tommy’s strong hands to claw at the teasing, cheeky exposure from under the hem of your nightshirt.

“Did this hot little pussy wake up lookin’ for me, huh? Had to come ‘n find me so I could help her sleep? Is that it, baby?” A thumb ghosted between your legs so he could damped it with your wetness before sliding in between his own lips.

You hadn’t come in search of a night cap in the shape of Tommy Conlon, but judging by the drenched crotch of his shorts below you, it was something you needed and didn’t know it until now.

“T…. Tommy. Wait…” you words barely resembled your own voice as you attempted to briefly protest. “The door. We should close the garage door, Tommy.”

Doing polar opposite of your request, the seething man boldly scrunched both fists around the neckline of your white tank and ripped it brazenly in half to discard onto the mud-stained, dirty floor of the garage. Leaving you fully exposed, and speechless.

“Let ‘em see. Once you go yelpin’ and beggin’, they’re gonna have a good idea what’s goin’ on anyway, baby.”

Your nails were digging into his pecs, and you tensed your legs tighter about his waist as Tommy stood from the stool to place your naked cheeks on the padded seat of his iron horse. Tools, and gas cans clanged and toppled to the floor as he roughly kicked off his clothing, kissing you with sensual, and raunchy purpose as he did so. You were already substantially aching, and prepared to take him in, but even still Tommy squatted to greet your southern lips with his tongue.

He gently tasted you, lapping from your entrance, up toward the bundle of nerves between the apex of your thighs. One hand squeezed all too tightly in his now knotted hair, and the other gripped around one handlebar of the bike you writhed atop of. The two-wheels, and kickstand didn’t seem too comfortably stable in your opinion, but you trusted Tommy always in his spontaneous sexual tendencies. The pair of you may wind up crashing on the concrete below if he thrusted too hard, or your legs quaked too swiftly, but he’d still have you blushing with release regardless.

“Taste me, Tommy.”

His sucked, and spit, and nipped with his teeth cautiously at your center, moaning satisfactory curses about how you always tasted so sweet. Never in your life, could you ever imagine a man who enjoyed the oral pleasuring of his mate as yearningly as Tommy did. Your closest friends pouted, and resentfully congratulated you for finding a man as such.

“I’m gonna lose it if I don’t get inside you, Y/N.” A concoction of your own arousal, and Tommy’s saliva dribbled down his chin, and he greedily caught the liquid with is tongue upon standing to line himself up with you. You could see in his lustful, now black appearing eyes that he was a glutton for your flavor.

The deeper he slid in, the higher your orgasmic daydreams took you. You were full to the hilt, and nearly to the throat as his eager tongue explored your mouth upon a hard, knee-quaking kiss. Crickets sang outside sporadically, unbothered by the bursting connection of skin on skin echoing from inside the garage where Tommy was currently kneading your breast with his fight-scarred hands. The jet-black motorcycle rocked with his thrusts, but he held you dutifully in place, keeping his balance to ride you out to complete, blissful release.

He tried to politely, and teasingly shush your amplified pleads for more by placing his index finger over your gaped lips, but it was utterly ineffective. Not that he indeed wanted you to hush though. He got harder, and crazy with desire the louder your pitch rang out, and the more he heard his name choke from your raspy throat.

“Tommy! Yes, Tommy. Ahh, more!”

You felt every ridge and ripple as he pulled himself from your insides, then ruthlessly, and enjoyably a bit painfully drove in again. His hand massaged and trailed down the stretch of your silky throat, and his chewed his lips watching you take every steel inch of him.

Unexpectedly, just as your peak of release danced upon your tongue, a jolting rumble of thunder pulsed over your ears, following a crack of erratic heat lightening. One by one, an abstract pattering of rain drops began to peg the rooftop, bringing forth a gust of lukewarm, thunderstorm breeze. Tommy’s arms broke out into goosebumps as he watched your hair blow loose with the wind, and your insides clenched and pulsated around him.

“Drown me, baby. C’mon… can you come for me?”

The filthy demand shoved you dangerously towards the cliff of orgasm, and you whimpered airily watching his taut abs flex as his own breaths hitched and hiccupped. His brows didn’t furrow in bliss when in the cage. And a good workout didn’t make him shiver and come unwound like this. No, it was only you who could claim the title of vicious Tommy Conlon’s one and only weakness.

Your hand sought blindly a reliable, unwavering surface to grip onto as you prepared for the storm raging outside, and the one rising forth from your insides. Looking solely and focused into your boyfriends’ mysterious blue eyes, you began to smile and shake your head wildly signifying he was yet again about to render you spent and fulfilled. Tommy tilted his head and patiently waited for his queue that you had indeed finished, and he had to green light to spill inside of you.

“Lookit that. The whole city owes us a ‘thank you’ for coolin’ it down out here. We worked up a damn thunderstorm out there, baby.” Tommy joked as he easily slid your tiny, manicured feet on the ground underneath you, wiping the outpour of sweat from his face with his tattooed forearm.

Inside your mind, you compiled a list of secluded locations, and parks he could take you on the bike tomorrow morning once the rain had moved out. After that exchange, you suddenly desired nothing more than to bounce harshly on the bare lap of Tommy, gripping and scratching at that perfectly weathered and beaten leather jacket he always wore.

You strained on tiptoes to kiss his puffy lips before nervously darting towards to house, now afraid to be seen by the neighbors since the overflow of adrenaline and spontaneity had worn off. Tommy flipped off the garage light, and chased you down the hall towards the bathroom, pinching at the most ticklish corners of your body along the way.

“Good idea. I think you need a cold shower. Oh, ‘n if I ain’t in bed when you’re done, please feel free to come and find me again.”

TAGS: @torialeysha @ea91935

#tommy conlon fanfic #tommy riordan #warriorfanfic #tommy conlon x reader #Tom Hardy #tom hardy fanfiction #tommy conlon #tommy conlon imagine #tommyconlonfanfic #warrior #fanfiction #fanfic

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bougiebutbalanced · 4 years

Text

An Apology & Cease-Fire

I try hard to love myself. It’s something that I actively practice everyday. Now before pass judgement, roll your eyes and think “its easy to love yourself when you look like that” I’m gonna stop you right there. This isn’t how I’ve always looked. And certainly not how I always felt. I’ve battled the demons in my mind and mirror for as long as I can remember.

I grew up in a time when everyone wore extra low rise jeans and tiny tops that displayed their belly rings. Xtina was dirrty, Paris Hilton was hot, 00 was the ideal size and the resident It Girl informed us that nothing tasted as good being skinny felt.

But.... I wasn't built to wear 00 jeans. While my peers struggled to find jeans that were small enough around their waste yet long enough to cover their ankles, I fit comfortably into a size 6. I had an hourglass figure for as long as I could remember. But since I’m not Latina and those only person who it was acceptable to have curves was JLo, I began to develop some insecurities about myself.

From the time I was about 12 I began every morning on the scale. Not my idea, non-optional, and overseen by my mom -one of my main demons disguised as a guardian angel. 3 little numbers would dictate whether I would climb into the shower and danced (150-151lbs) or cried (152lbs): for reference I was about 5’7-5’8. Thus began my war against my body. And I lost every battle.

Growing up, I became aware that every group of friend had a fat friend --And when the DUFF book/movie eventually came out I began to think maybe I wasn't alone-- I had originally noticed this because that friend was always me. I had a habit of scanning whatever room I was in and mentally sorting the girls from best body to fattest. And being excited when I wasn’t in last. Albeit i was usually second to last.

I began to binge. However the only eating disorders that existed were anorexia and bulimia- there was no such thing as a disorder where you ate copious amounts of junk food without the purge part (which for me came later). I was consumed with shame and guilt

The root of my shame and guilt stemmed from my mom. She has a my way is the best way attitude. With everything in life. She has an opinion on everything and if you don’t respond with “wow best idea ever how would I live without you” she gets upset. Those are her own insecurities, but they manifest in unhealthy ways towards me. Having a mom who judged everything I ate created constant shame and guilt around food. But when I wanted to do some kind of diet, she was supportive until it was inconvenient for her. Like if we were going out for dinner or if she was having people over then I should “just have a little.” Or that time everyone was going vegetarian so I tried too and she made ribs and tacos and other things I loved trying to “break” me. Thanks mom

This also led to my distain for exercising. Actually, just my distain for running. I hate running. Always have. It hurts and it’s boring and I’ve never been great at it. But my mom became a runner in her 20s and therefore it’s the only way to get healthy. I would’ve preferred spin classes or to try Pilates and I love swimmning but she didn't like those things and therefore in her mind they were inferior to the almighty option for weight loss: Running. Not cardio in general, just running.

Then, in my early 20′s I got sick. I had a flare up of PCOS (super common auto immune and if you have it go to a naturopath and follow the diet- you’ll feel sooo much better I promise) I gained weight uncontrollably. But I also binged uncontrollably so I’m sure that contributed. I was also dangerously anemic which caused major depression. However I’m going to skip over most that time because it was a long and painful process of recovery.

Before I lost all energy to do anything all I knew was that I was gaining weight and so I lived on celery and hummus and went to the gym twice a day. I also tried to push thru my exhaustion, resting in my mom's eyes in lazy and therefore unacceptable, in her eyes you couldn't possibly heal if you were just laying on the couch, you should be up and moving. A prime example of this is when I got home from Australia, I’d drive the 20min in from our house to her office and I’d be so tired I’d have a headache from keeping my eyes open. But she told me it was jet lag just go to the gym and work it off... it was mono. We found out after it got really bad. I’d helped to unload 200 bails of hay and that night my glands swoll up to golf balls. The next day I was diagnosed and the dr said no impact sports or heavy lifting or my spleen could burst, it was pure luck that I was okay after lifting those bails.

Anyway, I was in my early 20s and now the Kardashians curves were envied and Kate Upton was the epitome of gorgeous, times had changed...but so had I. I was at my sickest, and my heaviest (260lbs) looking back at my high school pictures and wondering why I thought I was fat. If I could just get back to that weight, I’d be so happy. Yet, I’d cry when I saw memes about having a fast metabolism in high school because I never had one. So the war raged on, I hated how I didn’t look like I did in high school, yet I hated that I was skinny in high school....and I never saw the link.

Eventually I healed, and went on a diet (its called Ideal Protein and its Keto). I did this diet 3 times. The first I went back down to 180. Then went off it, and gained back up to about 220. Then I went back on it and dropped to 195, went off and gained back to 210...then slowly over the next year I gained back up to 220. And then I tried to be bulimic. Turns out I like the feeling of throwing up (ya that might be weird) so I’d binge and binge and then throw everything up. I’d go shopping and try things on and when they didn't fit, I’d swear to myself that I’d “commit” to being bulimic, and do it twice a day. But it didn't help me lose weight, it just slowed down the gain.

The third time and final time I did the Ideal Protein I was in a different (and much better) place mentally thanks to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I dropped to 165, and when I went off it I went vegan. I bought my own groceries and even though I live with my parents they work out of town so I’m mostly on my own for meals too. Sometimes I go through phases where I eat unhealthy and I go up in weight and then I go through phases where I eat very healthy, i.e: vegan (not preaching for everyone to be vegan but I’ve found that it works well for me personally) gained up to 175 and then lost (on my own). I’m currently in one of those going up phases and whatever. It started when I went to Bali and enjoyed myself, then I was unemployed and stressed so not a great reaction (I sprained my ankle in Bali so no dynamic exercise and even a lot of yoga poses I couldn't do) and now I’m on vacation for Xmas. I don’t enjoy what my body looks like right now but I’m trying not to care. I know when I go home I’ll choose healthy foods again. When my ankle heals I’ll go back to dynamic execrsices and when I get a new job I’ll begin going to barre classes because they’re my fave.

Most importantly, I recently realized that I had been so wrong. I thought because I’d tried starving my body or tried throwing up everything that wasn't healthy for me, but that didn’t help me to lose weight so I thought I’d lost that battle. I tried to exercise everyday and often I’d push till I couldnt go on, but I didn't see any progress so that didn't work for me and I’d lost that battle too. For reference, the first time I did Ideal Protein I went from 260lbs - 180lbs and even though my jeans were smaller I couldn't see a difference in my reflection....so body dysmorphia was at play. I lost the battle when I tried to be healthy so I’d binge and binge and go months without any form of exercise. And it didn't matter. Because when I was losing weight (minus this last time), or when I was eating chocolate and pizza in the dark, I hated myself. I hated that I had to wear clothes that were “flattering” (I word I despise because in my moms world thats a compliment) instead of clothes that were trendy. And every time I’d see my reflection or a picture of me I’d feel like I’d lost or failed. But I was wrong. But I was wrong in thinking I was the loser in this war. Because I controlled the shots and my body was the one that had to adapt to the restriction or the overload. It was the one that shrunk and grew in response to my actions that were all done out of anger, frustration, and hate so even when my body was getting exercise or nourishment it was always starved of love.

So this decade. And those that come after it. It will be loved. There’s no wagons to fall off of or tracks to get back on. They’re all phases. Like seasons of the year or phases of the moon, some are darker than others but all are necessary for life and all have their good and bad characteristics. I love that I sometimes allow myself to indulge (such as my current choices). But I also love that I choose to supply nourishment and movement to my body. I love myself enough to supply my vessel with nourishment. Now I move my body in ways that feel good i.e. low impact(yoga, barre, walks with my dog). And I also recognize that sometimes its better that I don’t move at all. Such as, it’s better to take 1-2 days of nothing but Netflix and delivery in order to recharge then to push through stress and exhaustion and struggle through before I eventually burn out, where I spend 2-3 WEEKS watching Netflix and getting delivery but hating myself while doing so and feeling like a failure.

I’m so sorry to my that it went so long without love and validation. I promise to fill the rest of them with compassion and fun and understanding. Here’s to end of 2019 and good start to 2020; the end of a decade, but the start of an age (yes that’s a TSwift lyric)

Love Me <3

#goal weight #weight loss journey #health #fitness #health and body #vegan #body postivity #love yourself #gratitude

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majberri · 5 years

Text

Let. It. Go. Andrea.

I am on a quest - on a quest to indulge in my Being. To indulge in what makes me. In such quest, I am learning about myself. I am learning so many beautiful things, but I am also learning not so pretty things.

A persistent characteristics that has come up on many occasions is the inability to: LET GO.

What does Letting Go mean?

It means to be fluid - it means to accept things for what they are. It means not to get hung up on the small stuff. It means to just be water my friend (Bruce Lee quote)

How did I come across this characteristics you may ask? It was not thru my soul searching journey but as a matter of fact it was through my Karate. Yes, my karate. Trying to master a task will TEACH YOU MANY things about yourself. It will teach you where you are strong, where you are weak, and where you should invest your energy into - to progress.

In karate you learn many things, you learn how to stand on your feet. To constantly keep your knees bent, to punch, to duck, to block, but more important what has taught me that I have a problem with letting go - kicking.

My first day in Karate I noticed how low my confidence was. I noticed because although there were only two girls in my class, I was trying my hardest to hide. I wore a big sweat shirt and I was trying my hardest to hide under it. I kept pulling my sleeves down, I was so unsure of what I was doing. But it is understandable it was my first day.

Then I started to learn how to kick. When I tell you, my body would stop half way through in momentum - it was truly astonishing to be honest. I would set my body up the way it needs to be set in order to kick a 2 round kick, but I would not let go. I would not allow my leg to do its thing. I would stop myself half way through - and this is how I learned I do not know how to let go. Your body can teach you so many things about yourself. Your body just responses without thinking, but I was thinking so much that I wouldn’t allow it to do its thing. My body knows what to do but my mind overrides my intuition sometimes and puts the whole joint on Over Thinking Mode.

Over thinking can be a vicious cycle. A cycle that if you do not become aware of it, it will bring you into dark places only yourself or maybe with the help of others you can get out of.

Over thinking is the root of my inability to let go .... well a part. Cos ya gurl has so much more problems. (but I am working on it)

If I allow my mind to over think, it sends a false signal to my tummy. My tummy the reacts and causes an emotion - an emotion that I myself created. And if I do not catch this on time I will react based on such emotion. Causing myself to be held up on something I have created and i am dwelling on, concluding to not letting it go.

That is my cycle and maybe it is yours - if you are struggling like me or have (please share your recommendations, I would love to read them!).

In order for me to let go (such a long process) I have to remind myself to stay present. Not only do I have to remind myself to stay present, but I also have to watch myself. I know watching myself sounds bananas. But it is true. The way you watch yourself it is by watching your thoughts, by stepping into the conscious individual you are. By becoming aware of your thoughts and the emotions it will process you can accept it for what it is (or can even ask yourself why do I feel this way?) then you can move past it. If you become conscious of what is happening to you - it ultimately means you are present. You are present in the moment. You are so present you are able to stop anything that is not real process through your mind. Remember thoughts become things, you are the ruler of yourself. You can change your thoughts - more important you can become Present.

Sometimes I have to remind myself, that Now is the moment. Right Now. Not yesterday, not tomorrow. This very second as I type this, this is my moment. By focusing my energy on this precise moment my mind does not wonder of into things that are not happening, things that may never happen nor does it make up odd scenarios of which I would like things to happen.

I am trying to practice the ability to be fluid. I am trying my hardest not to carry too much with me in my chest. I am trying to work on me. It is hard boys and girls. This journey - this isn’t something that will magically happen for me, even tho i wish. I am learning to enjoy this ride - to enjoy this exact moment. I am trying to detach from my mind, because sometimes it a not a good place but I am trying to show myself love.

If you are like me the best advice I can give you - it is to stay PRESENT. When you are present you realize nothing bad at that moment is really happening. It may help you become aware of your thoughts and it may help you realize you are probably bugging, lol. I’ve realized that, a lot. :)

Amor,

#letting it out #letting go #energy #good vibe #personal growth #you got this #blog #spiritual growth #STAY PRESENT #stay strong #power of now

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scbines · 5 years

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WORD okay what up i’m ally, i’m twenty1, i use she/her pronouns, my timezone is est & small disclaimer: i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing, okay!! just keep that in mind when you .. go to read this complete shit storm okay i’m Trying.. anywhen! i may or may not have uhhh copied & pasted the majority of this from the last time i played her but.. that’s neither her nor there, tbh! if u wanna plot, feel free to hmu on discord at [mournful bagpipe music]#2581 or yk use the lil chat thing on tumblr if u aint got discord bhvfjn. MOVING ON..

cw: alcohol, neglect, sex ( & i think that’s it, folks! )

sab’s pinterest: here!

( sofia carson, cisfemale ) did you hear how SABINE VALDEZ is applying to columbia university as a PHILOSOPHY major ?! the TWENTY-ONE year old is living in the WATT HALL. i heard that they got in because they are +MAGNETIC and +INTREPID, but honestly i think SHE can be -FLIGHTY and -VOLATILE. they’re a real CATACLYSM. oh well, only time will tell if the JUNIOR will make it til the end.

imma just dive right in cos idk how else to go about it bgvjn

sabine grew up w/ a single mom in Detroit & they were basically skating the line between lower class and poverty, meaning they had like a proper house, but they were definitely behind on mortgage always and living paycheck to paycheck :// like when they went grocery shopping & sab would put anything but the basics in the cart her mom would look at her like ‘that’s a joke, right?’ and never could afford like birthday/christmas presents or cake or anything rip ( honestly not that sab’s mom gave enough a shit to even notice smh ) ! so everything was always a little .. hectic ig ? her mom couldnt ever relax unless she was blackout drunk so uhh that’s p much that on that sighs

even worse?? when sab was about eleven her mom got injured at work ( dont ask me How cos i have? no idea hibgfnjd i’ll flesh it out at some point.. maybe .. probably not.. ) so she and sab lived on disability checks and whatever small money sab could make helping her neighbors with like yard work/babysitting/shit like that until she was old enough to get a real job smh meaning she’s been working as long as she can remember god im exhausted just typing it

this basically left sab to raise herself, which .. most likely left her better off than if her mom paid her more attention tbh? cos her mom is selfish and doesnt care about anything but the next drink & the next man she’ll be inviting home smh !! the whole thing w/ her mom is that she Never Wanted kids but it wasn’t an option to abort or give sab up for adoption so she was Stuck raising a kid she never wanted .. truly .. rip ..

that said, sab’s mom was .. promiscuous to say the least .. all thru sab’s childhood there were countless nameless men in and out of their lives ranging from a day to a few weeks at most SIGHS anyways this of course led to sab having a seriously warped idea of what a healthy relationship is HELLO hvicnjm it’s super flawed to the point where she thinks the height of healthy relationship goals is to be exclusive for more than a few weeks smfh its wild tbh .. romance? dont know her! love? WHOMST? to sabine, there’s no point in bothering to rely or care for someone else because you’ll just end up disappointed so she ? keeps her distance for the most part.. relying Solely on herself cos thats the only person who wont let her down ( while also suffering from deeply rooted self-hatred? wow .. legends only .. )

anyways !! she Hated detroit like nobody’s business and always wanted nothing more than to Get Away from the toxicity of her home life and the suffocation of being the caregiver for a woman who will hardly get out of her bed gtg !!! so this led to her putting all her focus into after school jobs and making sure she was the top of her class At All Times like .. shes always been super determined and goal oriented but to a fault if that makes sense. she will work her ass off when given reason to, but once she’s accomplished that goal, she feels absolutely aimless sighs

bitch had .. like 3 jobs in hs and applied to a dozen schools, all of them at least 100 miles from detroit like Word ! she applied to columbia on a whim not thinking she’d get in but when she got that acceptance letter you can bet ur ass the bitch was Outta There!!

getting here tho … she isnt sure what to do next ihbvfcnj she never thought as far as majors and actually choosing what to do with the rest of her life so she?????? is undetermined about p much everything hgvifncjd but philosophy seems like the cop out she’s been looking for lmao !!!

anyways she works at a shitty diner not too far from campus like almost every day after classes but on weekends she COUGHS strips across town hibvfncj HA didnt see that coming did ya smh hibfnjd but!! she does it across town cos she lk wants it to stay a secret like she doesnt need to kick a frat boy’s ass for making shitty comments now does she??? but i mean .. its not something she’s ashamed of, she’s just Not Interested in having people she hates talk shit and slut shame ygm??

being so busy all the time, she doesn’t really have time for any school activities but she’s down for a party at any time ( esp if its like themed hbifnjd she loves a costume ) and uhh dtf too lbr shes v in touch w/ her sexuality #freethenipple ( does she even own a single bra?? we just don’t know! )

THAT SAID !! she doesnt correlate sex with like .. emotions?? cos shes never seen them in a situation where they’re mutually exclusive rip :// this led to her thinking people only ever Wanted Something from her be it her body or like a chance to put her down to feel better abt themselves smh ! she isnt a generally violent person but if it’s the latter she’s more likely to throw a few choice words in ur direction hvifcnj

generally, sab’s p much just ur Stressed Out Scholarship Student just trying to graduate so her life isnt a fucking trainwreck like her mom’s! she’s desperate for both human affection and adventure, so offer her one, the other or both and her heart is yours tbh! as much as she’ll pretend its not lmao !!1!1!!!!

anywhomst i cannot for the life of me think of anything else to type her atm since im??? garbage???? but !! mssg me if u wanna plot smthn out fam since uhh sab having friends??? sounds like a pipe dream tbh and im desperate for it lol!

#☆ — ❛ ooc. ❜#columbiaintro #this is embarrassing i can do better #but here we are ..

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pcoswontstopme-blog · 5 years

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The emotional roller-coaster you go through when having PCOS and wanting a family. TTC W/ PCOS

They tell you that everything will be okay and to keep a positive outlook, that no matter what, god will answer your prayers “When It’s Your TIME”. However, I find it hard to believe, then again i'm not sure what to believe anymore. There are way to many situations that make me think that it's not completely up to god to tell us when we are ready or not. I truly think that we are never really ready for anything this world throws at us. I have never really wrote down everything I've felt while experiencing this, and i think it's time i take the time to LET IT OUT. I am not posting this to get the approval from others but sometimes you just need to let it out, and from what I've come across on the internet, I might be able to help someone that may be experiencing the same things as me . . I hope to be that encouragement to those that face these challenges .

Well, let me start by introducing myself as Luna, ( Not my real name but we don't need to get that personal, i want to share my experience, not my government credentials ). However i will tell you this, i am at the age of 25 and will be turning 26 in just a few short months. I’ve been in a stable and healthy relationship for about 9 years, He is truly amazing and one of the biggest blessings in my life. We have a pretty active sex life and should have been blessed with a beautiful baby by now. Unfortunately, that has not happened yet. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2016, and let me tell you everything started to make since after i heard the news. The lack of periods for months was the first sign that i suspected to have PCOS, following the lack of periods came the facial hair ( mainly light hairs on the upper lip ), the lack of weight loss or weight gain, ( i have been 175 lbs since 2010 ) and along with all of these symptoms i have one of the worst over-actives bladders. I wake up 6 times a night and use the restroom about every 30 minutes to every hour . Let’s just say, I finally had enough and went to the doctors where I was given Metformin and birth control to help regulate my hormones and period, unfortunately the Metformin made me feel extremely sick and the birth control made my periods even worse. I then decided to take the natural route and avoid any medications from 2016 mid year to 2018 mid year.

Mid 2016 after all the metformin and terrible birth control i finally decided to start home remedies, in hopes that something will spark a hormone in my body that will level out all the other hormones . After hours of research i came across this pill called “ Dong Quai Root “, Everything they posted on the website seemed amazing, but i should have known not to believe everything they post on the internet. The Dong Quai Root was taken for approx. 2 months and within those 2 months i did not see a difference other then cramping and skin irritation. I felt dehydrated and sick the whole time i was taking that pill. At this point 2016 is coming to an end and i have given up all hope on having a family because nothing seemed to work . we decided to take a year off in 2017 and let nature run its course and just like the last year NOTHING HAPPENED . Not once did i get a positive HPT, everyone around me was having babies or announcing they were expecting . You try so hard to be supportive but deep down you are drowning in your own tears because you just want to experience the babies movements and experience the start of your VERY OWN FAMILY, you just end up feeling so helpless and broken. You begin to question if you are good enough to be a mom, if god has some vendetta against me, if i'm living life the wrong way. BUT……. Then again you have to look at all the ones who get pregnant on drugs, get pregnant after being raped, and those who also have trouble getting pregnant. We are not alone and one day we will get our blessing.

2018 , The start of clomid - After sitting depressed and losing hope, i got up and told myself not to give up. I have come this far to give up ? NO WAY, NOT TODAY SATAN ! . March 2nd, 2018 i was prescribed clomid on a small dose of 50mg for 5 days, now here's the tricky part. - My Dr. told me that since i do not get a period i can take it when i get the medicine and take OPK test to check when i ovulate. - NOW, anyone who has tried TTC and is new to the OPK knows that they can be beyond the point of confusing. So due to being confused the first month was a complete BUST. May rolled around and i took round 2 of clomid - 50 mg- about 2 weeks after taking the clomid i was experiencing cramping, cw discharge ( ovulation ) , extremely sore breast, still frequent urination ( i experience this on a daily and THIS WILL NOT HELP ME DISTINGUISH IF I AM PREGNANT OR NOT ), back pain, mood swings and being extremely tired all day . Even with all the symptoms i felt from the 2nd round i still had a negative HPT, the tears are rolling and my hope is flying out the window.

Ive seen and heard of women that take 2 rounds of clomid and they get pregnant after the first or second round. You start to think that you’re not meant to have kids. I refuse to give up that easily, through the pain and tears i will fight until the end to have a beautiful blessing . July, September And November i experienced the same symptoms that i listed above, expect in December i took the clomid with a tbsp of Robitussin , and Got a normal 6 day period and ovulated on the same time every month i took clomid, and still nothing but a NEGATIVE HPT . I ended the clomid in November , I started to get this extremely light pink spotting on November 9th nothing that required a pad it ended the same day it started and arrived again on the 13th to the 16th, again it was nothing that showed on a pad it was only when i wiped. After the 16th i didn't get spotting again until the 24th of November to the 26th which was again nothing major with was accompanied by some slight flutters and cramping mainly on the left side of my uterus area. The flutters and cramps started to fade away and i felt somewhat normal until November 30th when the cramping and the spotting came back and ended on the 1st of December . I didn't have much spotting through December i only had spotting on December 7th, 20th, and the 21st, for the whole month of December i did not get a period but on December 26th thru the 28th i was puking and feeling extremely sick and sleeping. After those few days i felt completely fine and haven't thrown up since, with all of the on and off symptoms i really believed that this was going to be my first positive HPT, sadly i was mistaken. On January 1st , 2019 i took a HPT and it was negative. After about 15 minutes of reading the result on the test i noticed a very thin line , chances are that it was just the evaporation line from the test sitting for too long. This whole month of January 2019 has been a huge roller coaster. My body is feeling way to many symptoms to process what is really going on. On January 10th i started to get some very light spotting again. At this point i knew it wasn't going to last more then a day , it was beyond the point of light and barely showed. However that didn't make me think that i was pregnant, with all the negative HPT that i have taken i really couldn't bring myself to take another one and end up with heartache.

Here is where i start to worry, from January 11th thru the 19th i didn't feel any type of cramping, discomfort, spotting, sore breast, exhaustion, or mood swings. I started to believe that the PCOS was going back to a unbalanced mess until January 20th hit. On January 20th i started cramping on my left side, that spotting came back ( extremely light and only showed when i wiped ), i have this constant light/dull cramping sensation all across my uterus, and now i am experiencing 2 weeks of excruciating sore nipples and breast, my breast hurt when i walk no matter how fast or slow, they hurt to have a bra on, when water hits them, even massaging them makes the pain go from a 8 to a 15, this lasted up until today February 2nd 2019, On February 1st 2019 i took a HPT to check and see if maybe this was it, maybe i finally became pregnant after 7 full years of trying. So i made sure that i was going to buy a $5 test ( i don't trust dollar tree test since i have PCOS i have read about women who do not show HTC levels on most test mainly the cheap test - how true it is idk but i wanted a test that made me feel confident ) . I took the test and sadly got a negative, and again that ultra thin line showed up that is extremely hard to see unless you hold it up to a light. Evaporation line ?? . . i'm all out of options. I have a doctors appointment as of february 21st to see what we have going on . I promise to fight day in and day out until the day i get blessed with a family and even after i will fight to provide the best life for you that i can .

There will always be those people in you life that tell you “ Dont have kids “ “ you want them now but just wait til their 2, 3, 6, 16, 19, “ or the famous “ kids are expensive “ saying from people who would rather pay for beer then formula or diapers. No matter what we go through in life, we will never be fully ready to have a child. I know that mentally i can handle a group of 4 kids running wild and i still find the patience and time to tend to their needs and my own. I know for a fact that i can love a child unconditionally and provide for them regardless . My heart is screaming to be a mom. I would love nothing more then to be able to raise my child to be the best person they can be in this sad messed up world. Many people want to raise their kids to know how to fight and tell someone off when they feel offended. I want to raise my child to know that they dont need friends in this world to be successful, they do not need drugs or alcohol to feel like they can fit in, they dont need to bully other kids to make themselves feel better, i want to show them how to respect their elders, they will use manners and speak properly, they will attend school and most of all THEY WILL FEEL LOVED AND SAFE . they will know that no matter where they go in life , that i their mother will always be right there and always do my best to give them the world. Most people cant stand to see other parents actually attend to their kids needs. We are instantly called brainwashed or weak.

#clomid #clomiphene #pcos #ttc with pcos #ttc baby 1 #pregnancy #pregnant #symptoms #negative hpt #baby #7years of ttc

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

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What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?

in my best dreams id love to go to bed at like 745/8. but my brain doesnt shut down like that, and i tend to be very productive at night. Maybe one day tho

What is you favorite type of lunch meat?

uhhhhh turkey

What time of the year do you dislike the most?

summer heat.

Do you put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?

ew no.

What is your favorite color to wear?

so I have historically worn a lot of darker colors but I’m trying to be intentional about making my life romantic and I need to introduce more color.

Are you an overachiever?

in most respects, yes

What physical feature do you wish you had (i.e. freckles, curly hair)?

smaller size, sharper jawline, thicker hair (not a LOT thicker, just mildly)

What fictional character (i.e. Bambi, Scarlette O'Hara) would you marry?

mr. darcy omfggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Did you ever go through a phase where you wrote bad poetry?

no. never

What is your favorite thing about your life?

that no matter what, God has always provided and had a better plan

Have you ever painted a picture of somebody?

as a kid, all the time.

Did you enjoy your past relationships?

in most respects. each of them was good for a time.

Name a comedy that you like.

four christmases

Could you wait until marriage for sex?

that was the plan

What was the last thing that impressed you?

ummm that the plumber was able to get the roots out of the drain as easily as he did.

When was the last time you were in a pet store?

last summer. We were going to get benny a little bro/sis but with covid everyone was adopting animals like crazy out here.. so the ones they had were on these enormous wait lists where you would go thru an interview, a HOME INSPECTION, and had to bring all your other animals in to meet said rescue. it was ridiculous.

What nationality is your last name?

dutch

What’s your favorite kind of chips and dip?

ems crack dip with uhhh the wavy lays

Who was the last boy that you saw cry?

uhh hm. hmmmmmmm... I honestly can’t recall

Does your mom know you do surveys?

I dunno, tbh

Have you ever had a serious injury?

I mean, somewhat. Not anything I discuss tho lol

What was the last thing you achieved?

surviving vid!

Would you enjoy being famous?

i doubt it. I’m pretty introverted and even though I get along very easily with people, my batteries charge best when im by myself or home. I would very much like the income though lol.

What’s under your bed?

I plan to go thru it soon! I’m trying to gather all my kile memories and I know I have like jewelry paperwork, cards from flowers, letters, etc. that need to be pulled. :(

Do you enjoy travelling?

Love it.

Have you ever belonged to a club? If so, what was it?

absolutely. thats a long, long list. lots of academic, Christian, honors, volunteer, and youth group types.

When was the last time you drank strawberry milk?

oh geez, maybeeeeeee 15 years?

Have you ever managed to collect all the fast food toys in a set?

no. that was never my thing.

Do you have a clock in your room?

No. My old cable box had the besttttttt time light. I miss having a small clock. I mentioned this to mom how we spent like forever looking for replacements after we changed cable providers. We didn’t want red or green, but the white. Now this makes me want to find one for my room. mom has a google device so shes set lol.

Did you have a good driver’s ED teacher?

I had the most phenomenal teacher. tho when it came to actual driving appointments (after the class periods) I often got paired with this older fella who constantly berated me over being homeschooled and telling me he was going to report me to the state. eventually I stood up to him, handed him the HSLDA contact card (home school legal defense association) and encouraged him to report me all he wanted. he stopped attacking me finally. it was awful. but the other gentleman was hilarious and fun.

Which of Britney Spears’ songs is your favorite?

ohhhhhh mer gersh i love so many of her songs. this answer would definitely change depending on the week but this week its a tie between gimme more and circus.

Does mind over matter work for you?

in most respects

Are you paranoid?

i can be at times.

What is the best thing about winter?

OOOOOoo good gravy this is a long list. I love the calm. I love the way the air is thick and cold and how quiet it becomes. I love hearing the sound of snow falling. I love the glitter haze it leaves. I love the way it feels like the house wraps you up in a warm hug when you come in from the cold. I love the way candles and a fire in the fireplace make everything so cozy. I love the glow of twinkling lights, white and colored, just casting the most beautiful and dreamy cast on the neighborhood. I love the food and drinks that make you feel full and ready for a deep sleep. I love the clothes and the bundling up, the scarves, the hats, the mittens. I love the music and the way no matter where you go, there are carols playing the sweetest love songs. I love the way decorations come up and people display their much-loved memories in the form of ornaments on their trees. I love seeing the elaborate wrapping styles of packages around the tree and filling up the stockings. I love seeing the snowmen and igloo designs displayed with pride in the front yards around town. I love the way the world gets dark so early, yet.. there is light reflecting off the mounds of snow. I love the way the early night allows for early comfy flannel pajamas and thick wool socks and sleep. I love the curling up under a giant mound of blankets and reading a book. I love thinking about the joy on other’s faces when they open gifts that were cultivated for their happiness. I love the rereading of the beloved passages of scripture where we recall the reason for the season. I just love it all.

Have you ever been truly in love?

yes. 2 times, how lucky I was.

Are you currently planning a trip?

I was not. I probably could stand to be home for a bit.

How many plants are in your home?

honestly, no clue at this point. I’ve been locked away coming up on a month. I dunno how many we have right now.

What is your favorite possession?

hmm. boy this is hard. It used to be my ring kile got me. I feel weird saying my favorite things are from him lately, so maybe my stained glass lamp.

Have you ever felt like you were too nice and way too often overlooked?

I am a nice person majority of the time and I would say I have been overlooked from time to time but I definitely do not behave nicely in order to be noticed.

What movies have tripped you out?

eh, I’m not entirely sure.

Did you rollerblade as a kid? Do you still rollerblade?

nope. I was so prone to breaking my ankles that it just absolutely was not for me. I tried a couple times, but couldn’t grasp the hang of it.

Would you ever settle into a relationship that wasn’t right for you? Do you know friends who are in relationships just so they have someone to sleep with at night?

no. this life is way too precious and too short to be spent laying next to someone who isn’t right for me. I have no intentions of settling. I do know of friends who have settled just to have someone near. It makes me so sad. The thought of settling like that just destroys me. Not to mention how unfair it is to the other person. Idk. Just sad sad sad.

Would you take a dirty picture of yourself for someone you are dating?

no nudity.

Do you use earplugs or a sleeping mask when you sleep?

no. I would be way too distracted by that. I also don’t like things touching my face.

What summertime treats do you love?

ummm watermelon. popsicles.

How picky are you when it comes to choosing who to kiss or not kiss?

oooo boy im so ridiculously picky about it. In fact, one guy i was seeing for a few dates... i was like unsure of him and he wanted to kiss so bad and I just avoided it everytime lol.

What do you hate most about moving?

I’ve only done a temporary move. I don’t know that it’s the same.

Do you feel that having sex anywhere but a bed is more exciting?

I think that I’d be down for it if I were married, but I think its most intimate when its in private lol

Do you drink 5 hour energy drinks or any other kinds of energy drinks?

Nope. It’s just not my thing. I’m never lacking that much energy.

Has anyone ever whistled at you?

yes.

Do you like scarves?

love them.

Is your father homophobic?

I’m not sure. I haven’t got a clue.

Do you take gummy vitamins?

sometimes. its my preferred method

Have you ever applied make-up on a guy, for any reason at all?

not that I can recall. ohhhhhh maybe when i was in theater and we needed to put like color on their faces to ensure they wouldn’t be washed out by the harsh lighting.

Who would you like to meet before you die?

no one. those who want to meet me, should meet me lol

If your dream was to be a model, and a big opportunity came up, but you had to be nude, would you take it?

nah.

What’s the most ridiculous conspiracy theory you’ve ever heard of?

oh there have been so many. I just ignore them. I don’t see sense in letting my mind be corrupted by that

If Heaven and Hell exists, where are you going when you die?

heaven!

Who is the person that you are afraid of losing, above everyone else?

mom!

What is one thing that pisses you off pretty much everyday?

the bathroom lol

Is there anyone you know that you feel should consider therapy?

everyone. everyone and anyone would benefit from therapy.

Do you like any of the songs on Twilight, or the actual movie/saga itself?

I’ve never seen it so I couldn’t tell ya.

How old was the first person you kissed?

at the time? I was 16 he was ...... 19

Will you be a strict parent one day?

strict? no. I’ll have rules and such but I’m a very loving caregiver... not to be cocky

Last person to stand up for you?

I wish i could tell you. I’ve never been the kind that requires someone else to protect me like that. but man, it has to feel good to know someone else is willing to go to those lengths.

Have you been to a baby shower?

many times.

Who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?

My sister

What’s your favorite high school memory?

hmm, there are so many i loved.. probably the trips.

Do you like relationships, or do you prefer to be single?

i love being single, but miss the connection from a relationship

What is one adventurous thing you’d be willing to do?

hot air balloon.

What subject at school did you absolutely hate?

freakin math

Italian food or Chinese food?

Chinese. ugh, I’d kill for some if they had GF soy sauce options

Do you like to make flash cards when you study?

sometimes, it depends on what I’m using them for. often I’ll just write like Question Answer type patterns in my notebook and then use a coversheet. I hate losing notecards.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a good singer?

yeah but I don’t sing like that anymore.

Do you ever watch TED talks, live or online?

I used to a lot,not anymore so much.

I dare you to write the name of a person you strongly dislike.

no thank you

Biggest trouble you’ve ever gotten into at school?

none really on my behalf. one girl completely plagiarized my work and that led to some drama, but beyond that nothing.

Do you own one of those “professional” DSLR cameras?

no, I’m not that sort of wealthy.

Does it bother you when you see a 6th grader with a bunch of gadgets?

I mean, part of me thinks that its just kinda sad for the kid to not have simple pleasures instead of needing all the finest gadgets,

Did you buy yearbooks every year in high school, or did you not bother?

n/a

Do you have Restless Legs Syndrome?

Jalapeños: yay or nay?

yay most of the time.

Did you ever play Minecraft?

uhhhh only when my nephews ask me to for like 5 mins lol

Did you ever have a Club Penguin account? Were you a member?

I didn’t.

Do you know anyone that seems to not have any common sense?

yes. some people just seem very... unaware.

What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you?

assault

What type of person angers you the most?

those who feel it is OK for them to assault another person in order to gain what they want or to release what they desire to release

If you could change your appearance, how would you alter it?

I’d want to be smaller. thicker hair. probably invisalign so I can correct my bite.

Describe your first relationship?

he was ... fascinating to me. He allowed me to have my guard down. He made me laugh, he made me blush, but he made me feel like I was constantly safe. He was wounded from his previous marriage but he was.. so worth mending. However, we were long distance and he just wasn’t able to do that. He needed more than I was able to offer him at the time.

Describe your last relationship?

OK so relationship is such a widely defined word. I’m going to describe the last person I was personally committed to. He was my other half. He was pretty vain and conceited when I first got to know him. Constantly concerned with his work and nothing but his work. However, along the years he developed into the most kind, generous, patient, extremely loving man. He changed all sorts of his former ways. He began investing in his character and taking the time to better himself. It was so incredible to watch. We created a bond where he was my world. I thought I was his. but we ended over him having a relationship for years that I knew nothing about. it’s weird, this quote from jane eyre reminds me of him...

“I have a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap. And I have a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me.”

Can you honestly say that you always practice safe sex?

I didn’t get the option to do so when it was happening.

Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply?

ps i love you just tears me to shreds over how effing painful it is to lose someone you love.

What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you?

that I was kind and friendly, warm and inviting.

Do you feel protective over someone?

yes. my loved ones. my family members. my close friends.

What perfume/cologne do you wear?

ummm either very sexy night, or refuge.

What was the color of the bridesmaid dresses of the last wedding you went to?

a very deep, dark red/maroon. super lovely

What is your favorite way to eat chicken?

CHICKEN SANDWICH< preach

It is your birthday. You hope the cake is:

omg i crave regular birthday cake. gluten free cake so far has been quite disappointing.

What were you doing at 8pm last night?

nothing.

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starbrite-nana-blog · 6 years

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Alcoholism is a Disease

17 Years Sober and i know its hard to start a program and get into 1. Signs of Alcoholism: Do You Have an Alcohol Abuse Problem? Are you having a problem with abuse of alcohol? Do your friends and family frequently complain that you drink too much? Have you experienced blackouts, not remembering what you have done during drinking episodes? Or have you experienced problems during your drinking that probably wouldn’t have happened if you had been sober? Do you have an addiction to alcohol? If you answered YES to all of the questions then your alcohol dependent. My name is Beth I am an alcoholic. 17 years sober. I know its hard to beat this disease. I know its hard to find help. Get to meetings. Find a sponsor you can feel comfortable with. Thru the years treatments have gotten better and alcoholism has become a disease that has hurt millions of families. I am here to start a place where you can get help. I am fine tuning my HomeGroup to bring it online to you. So please be patient and we all can come together from the privacy of our homes to share our stories and to help ea of us to stay sober. 1 Day At A Time. Please feel free to send me any message thru our email to the right of the page and I will get back with you. Beth R. and I am an Alcoholic and this is my story. There are some signs that indicate that you may have a problem with alcohol. They include: You frequently drink more than you meant to. You drink on a daily basis to cope with stress or strong emotions. You try to hide how much you’re drinking. You need to drink to cope with day to day stress. You are neglecting responsibilities at home, work or school. You give up activities you used to enjoy because of alcohol. You keep drinking even if you start having legal problems or relationship problems. These are some of the signs that mean you need to pay attention to what alcohol is doing to your life before it’s too late. The bottom line is if you think you are having a problem with alcohol, you probably are. Physical Dependence on Alcohol You may deny that you are physically dependent upon alcohol. But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize that you have to drink larger and larger amounts to get the same feeling of relaxation or calmness that a small amount of alcohol used to give you. You may also notice that when you decide you’re going to stop drinking or at least cut back on drinking heavily, you’re unable to do so. You may feel very uncomfortable if you try to stop, and you may experience shaking, sweating, nausea or other signs of withdrawal. Then you want to drink again just to stop these withdrawal symptoms. It’s a vicious cycle. These are clear signs that you have become physically dependent on alcohol What to Do if You Can’t Quit Drinking When it becomes clear that you have lost control of your drinking, it’s time for you to take charge. You need to make a commitment to starting a new life that doesn’t include drinking excessively. It’s not important that you label yourself an alcoholic. What is important is that you find a way to get past your urge to revolve your life around drinking before it finishes off your health, your career, and your relationships. Alcohol-Free Forever™ is a program that has been created with people like you in mind. It will help you understand why you drink the way you do, getting right to the root of the problem. You can learn step by step instructions to get past cravings and overcome your compulsion to drink too much. To learn more about this revolutionary program, visit Alcohol-Free Forever™. Recognizing the signs that you may have a drinking program is the first step toward a new life that doesn’t include alcohol. You can stop drinking right now, and you never have to drink again! Alcohol-Free Forever™ will teach you what you need to know to stop drinking once and for al

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