#like the thing is that it IS drug seeking behavior bc i want drugs so that i am in less pain

[keyotos]

hey!! can i request hsr men (specifically dan heng but anyone else works too) hcs for how they are with children???

little ankle biters (endearingly)

summary ⎯ hsr men spend time with kids!!

includes ⎯ dan heng, gepard, and jing yuan

tana's words ⎯ kids r so fun. i never understood the whole "i want to kick children" thing bc obviously you aren't a fun and happy person u miserable depressed freak. anyway i hope u enjoy!!

also pls forgive me if i take a little long w/ requests. i've been soo busy w/ my personal life so i'm really trying i promise

dan heng

⎯ he's awkward at first, but as he spends more time with them, he becomes less awkward and more relaxed.

⎯ so sarcastic around children. but since they're children, they don't understand it and think he's being serious. it's so amusing when you hear them all gasp at his sentences.

⎯ this all started when you dragged dan heng along to play with the kids in boulder town. at first, he wanted to refuse because he thought it would have been awkward (it was), but after some begging from your side dan heng eventually gave in.

⎯at first, dan heng was just there. the kids mostly gravitated towards you and he had no reason to get in the way with that. he was happy to admire you play around with them; besides, he was able to help you win at hide n' seek without cheating.

⎯ noticing his behavior, you didn't want to see him missing out any longer. so you, after seeing him distance himself from the kids, had an idea. you asked dan heng if you could borrow his spear. you then used to carefully poke yourself in the stomach in front of the kids, then you fell dramatically on the ground.

dan heng, confused by your actions, watched you roll around on the ground. the children were laughing, asking if you were okay or not. you continued rolling around, clutching your stomach, until you called out for dan heng, "dan heng! the brave hero! help me!!" you called out.

dan heng's eyes widened. you were acting like you were in pain when you were perfectly fine. and the children were convinced. when they all looked up at him with pleading eyes, dan heng knew he had no choice. he grabbed you by the arm to try to pull you up, but you didn't budge.

he pulled harder, yet there was still no movement from you. for a second, dan heng thought you were actually hurt before you opened your eyes and gave him a wink. you were met with a sigh of disbelief from dan heng. since he didn't say anything, you took this as an opportunity for phase two, "i need you to carry me," you whispered.

dan heng's face recoiled, "why?"

"please," you held on tighter to his hand, interlocking your fingers together. you squeezed his hand to convince him even further. dan heng knew he was screwed when he lifted you up from the ground and held you in his arms: if you were a drug, he would constantly be addicted to you.

"oh!" you exaggerated, making your voice extra loud, "i am saved! the hero of boulder town saved me!!" dan heng was trying to duck his head away from you, saving himself from further embarrassment. it didn't work, however, as he heard one of the kids say, "me next!! me next!!"

and so he spent the next hour taking kids in his arms, spinning them around, and trying to refrain from making too many sarcastic comments. for once, it seemed as though he toned down his seriousness for the kids. they were overjoyed, and they begged you guys to stay for more hours. sadly, the two of you had to refuse.

"you had fun, didn't you," you smirked while walking hand-in-hand through bouldertown.

"perhaps. did you have fun with your little scheme?" he turned his head around to look at you.

"i did," you smiled and wrapped your arm around his. "i hope to do this again some day."

yeah, dan heng hoped as well. he ended the day off with you by his side and with more positive thoughts about the children of boulder town than before.

gepard

⎯ as the captain of the silvermane guards, he had many many kids who looked up to him. even the kids in the underworld (who had never seen him before) were completely enthralled by him. he had numerous little girls wanted to marry him, as well as numerous little boys who wanted to be him.

⎯ that being said, he has very little experience with children. since he's always so busy, he never really has time to get to know belobog. yes, he does go patrolling, but that is much different than exploring all the nooks and crannies of the city, learning its customs, its culture, its people.

⎯ you've noticed this over the past few years. so you decided to change that. one day, a day where gepard finally got a day off, you took him to go sightseeing throughout the city. gepard claims he's already seen the entirety of belobog, but you think differently.

⎯ so, you've decided to drag him out of his office as a way to interact with the people he's protecting. especially the kids.

"me and captain gepard are getting married one day," you hear a little girl whisper, "he's so nice to me. he saved me and my mom once," she gossiped.

gepard looked thoroughly surprised at the girl's theory. he was about to say something before another kid butt in, "captain gepard is too busy to get married to you," he snided, "he'll be the captain and i'll be his vice-captain!"

the girl scoffed, "vice-captain isn't a thing, idiot."

you laughed at the kids' encounter with each other. they were absolutely adorable; childhood innocence in times like these is a true example of one of the worlds' wonders. "aren't they cute," you bumped gepard's shoulder, "this is what you've been missing out on."

"i had forgotten how kids behaved," gepard says in shock. "it's been a while since i was a kid."

you smirked, suddenly having an idea, "well, you can always relive it!" you shoved gepard into the circle of children.

suddenly, the girl who had been so pompous before turned away from gepard, trying to hide her flushed expression. the boy who was boasting about becoming a "vice captain" had eyes that shined brighter than the stars themselves.

"captain gepard!!" the children exclaimed. he'd never been out and about in the city before; they immediately knew this was a rare occasion. they surrounded him quickly, jumping and clapping. gepard towered over all the children, a sight that you found endearing.

"captain gepard! i want to be your vice captain soon!!" the insistent boy yelled. "and stephanie wants to marry you," he snitched.

"jacob!" the girl shoved, "that was supposed to be a secret," she scolded. jacob simply shrugged in response. trying his best not to get in between the sibling quarrell (gepard has already lived through too many of those), he turned his head around, mouthing for help.

you smiled, shook your head, and walked towards him, "okay guys, chill out. do you guys want to ask him anything?" you wrapped your arms around gepard's shoulders. it was an act of reassurance, whilst still letting the kids have fun.

"yeah," stephanie answered, "do they let stupid people," she eyed jacob, "into the silvermane guards?"

"hey!" jacob elbowed stephanie, "you're just mad because his real partner is right next to him," he gestured towards you.

your eyes widened synchronically, both of you turning towards each other. "i⎯ we're not," you blush, suddenly getting hot. the thought of marriage has crossed your mind before, but hearing these children speculate was just embarrassing.

while you try to stutter out a response, gepard silently takes your hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the top of your hand with a smile adorning his lips. you were right, this was fun.

jing yuan

⎯ actually amazing with kids. he is the perfect mix of fun and caring. literal father vibes.

⎯ kids in the xianzhou adore him. they look up to him, much like they do with gepard, but jing yuan is less awkward. however, since he's so busy, he doesn't have much time to go down and play with them.

⎯ i guess he kinda missed out on his childhood?? it wasn't unhappy bc he ended up doing something he liked, but he never had the "normal" childhood experience. but he understands children to a certain extent, like their excitement over things (ex. yanqing with swords).

⎯ type to share stories. not rlly the type to play w/ them bc he has a whole ass POLEARM. that would be very dangerous and very bad.

finally, there was a day where jing yuan had a ounce of free time to spare with you. of course, you two had your nights, early mornings, and (occasionally) evenings, but you two never had more than an hour together (not counting sleep).

so, what other way to celebrate than to finally explore what you two have missed out on? you two haven't been down in star-skiff haven in what seems like years. with your busy schedules and many prominent tasks, it was hard to make free time to leave the house a lot.

you two have been sightseeing the entire day; viewing all the star-skiffs that passed by, trying all the food, even going around various markets. but none of those amused you much as the children playing in the center of star-skiff haven did.

they were running around, jumping, and betting on star-skiffs. they all had their own individual cliques, it seemed; they were all hanging out separately.

"do you remember what it was like, being in a clique?" you turned to jing yuan who was observing the children.

"i spent most of my life training, so no," he took a sip from a drink he bought. noticing your interest in his drink, he held it out towards you, which prompted you to take a sip. you let out a sigh of delight.

"thanks," you leaned onto him, "i remember being in one of these childhood cliques. i was the freaking leader of all the children," you bragged.

"oh really?" jing yuan raised an eyebrow, "why don't you go over there and show them who's the boss?" his lips raised in a smug smile.

"i'm getting too old," you waved him off, to which jing yuan shook his head in disagreement, "you could get out there though, general."

"told you not to call me general," he pointed a finger in your face. you responded by trying to bite it off. sadly, it didn't work, as jing yuan's reflexes prove once again why he remains the general. "what would i do out there?"

"you could tell them stories," you rocked back and forth on your heels, "did you ever play with kids your age?"

"sometimes, before i started training to be apart of the cloud knights, though. but i can't really remember my life back then," he looked to the carefree kids, eyes filled with admiration.

"you could spend some time with them now," your voice raised a little bit, "you have time," you told in a soft voice.

"i suppose i do," jing yuan grinned at you.

jing yuan was popular with the children, to say the least. it seems that you would've had a rival back then; if jing yuan didn't join the cloud knights, of course. nonetheless, it was an endearing sight to see jing yuan converse with the children who were gathered by him.

he treated them so well, similar to how he would treat yanqing. he told them stories, exaggerating them to just the right amount. and every time one of them would smile, laugh, or gasp, he'd always turn towards you, giving you a smile of your own.

for someone who spent most of their childhood whisked away, jing yuan was practically a child himself.

jing yuan's probably ooc but lets IGNORE THAT and focus on how i managed to finish 2 requests in one day!!!! 2 more here we come!!!!!!!!

#tana writes (∗´ ᨔ `∗) #honkai star rail #honkai star rail x reader #dan heng x reader #dan heng x you #hsr #hsr x reader #gepard x reader #gepard x you #gepard landau x reader #jing yuan x reader #jing yuan x you #tana answers: request ver

[bloomeng]

i made the joke earlier about how steddyhands fans tend to like edstede the least of all the pairs, and i just wanted to elaborate bc actually i do have more to say about this

when i first watched the show i didn't really participate in the fandom (so i don't know pre-s2 fandom drama), i was neutral about izzy and i suppose i liked edstede the most simply by default. in general in season 1 i thought their relationship was charming back when the show was still firmly in the realm of a comedy. then s2 happened...

i wouldn't say that s2 ruined edstede for me permanently because i still like them, but i will say that it definitely reshaped how i see their relationship. suddenly their relationship was stagnant, going in circles, and generally starting to feel more like active bad influences on each other. which is wild considering how in s1 the whole crux of it was that stede and ed were actively making each other more authentic people. i will say though that i personally feel the reason edstede fell flat to me in s2 was mostly due to ed's behavior and the way stede overlooks it. ed's behavior in s2 will always be one of my biggest complaints of s2 (the rest of the issues are more technical).

recently i've seen the opinion that edstede are now MORE problematic than edizzy, which i don't exactly agree with. i agree with the sentiment that with all the developments in s2 edstede feels worse, but i think that has more to do with the fact that their relationship issues are far more tangible to the majority of the audience. with edizzy their issues stem from an intense bond forged by a deep codependence that is pushed to extremes. simply put their dynamic is rare. (i want to quickly note that this doesn’t make their relationship better narratively; there’s a space for both in story telling and both are equally valuable.) edstede's issues on the other hand are more grounded, to the point where most people have experienced some level of their conflicts in their life whether that be firsthand or secondhand. so it's not that their problems are worse so much as more people have stronger reactions because they can relate directly. not saying people don't relate to edizzy, it's more about the scale to which people relate.

my famous example is breaking bad (spoilers for a decade-old series) but i think one of the reasons people hate skylar so much more than walt (besides the obvious misogyny) is that they can relate to the anger of being cheated on while it's harder to relate to the feeling of your husband secretly being a drug lord. like sure his thing on paper is ten times worse but audiences usually relate strongly to the things they personally relate to.

edizzy will always be worse on paper (the toe incident alone makes sure of that) but edstede now feels worse is what i'm getting at. and sure i know izzy emotionally matured leaps and bounds in s2 but unfortunately that doesn't fix edizzy. in order for it to actually be a healthy relationship they both need to grow, so yeah they're still firmly in the toxi yuri category.

anyway i actually do like them a whole lot, but they also make me angry on izzy and the crew's behalf. and on a personal level, i just tend to prefer non-canon ships because i feel like i have more wiggle room. that and if they're canon i'm usually satisfied with that canon so i don't find myself hyper-fixating as much. hence why i didn't really get into the fandom after s1, despite liking the show more at that point.

this is just my observation but i think a lot of the reasons people are now drifting from edstede and into the safety of non-canon ships is simply because s2 stripped their relationship of some of their whimsy. a lot of people are angry with ed and stede and are seeking refugee amongst ships that don’t feel like they have to confront the glaring holes in their relationship.

but these are just my musings i don’t speak for anyone but myself.

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd s2 #ofmd season 2 #stede bonnet #edward teach #izzy hands #i’m not tagging any variation of edstede bc i don’t want to put negativity on their pages when they’re just going about their day #even tho i wouldn’t necessarily call this negativity against the ship #but just to be safe #steddyhands #edizzy #txt #long post #ofmd critical

[ccuniculusmolestus]

Bunny Corcoran; Neglect, Disorder and Becoming Mother

WARNING: VERY LONG POST!!

Based purely on headcanons, might be refined after a re-read (which I keep putting off bcs i want to savor the book slowly but i never get the time)

DISCLAIMER READ IF U GET PISSED OFF ABT STUFF: Okay, I headcanon that Bunny suffered from borderline personality disorder. And please I dont want anyone triggered over me self-diagnosing Bunny this is my HEADCANON and i am not romanticizing it. That being said, I am NOT a psychologist neither do I claim 2 be, these headcanons are built purely on my studies and own experiences. This is not to make light of a disorder that I know well is quite debilitating. I also understand it's different for everyone and I don't claim to be The Only Source of BPD symtoms. I think I had to say this cuz i didn't want pitchforks and all that coming 4 me for a personality analysis 😒 ANYWAY.

Here, I divided this into parts too otherwise it's a long ass yapping post:

I. Katherine Corcoran and BPD

II. A Quiet House

III. MacDonald Corcoran

IV. Father Henry

I. Katherine Corcoran and BPD

First, let's discuss Katherine, her diagnosis (which is a hc) and her parenting 'method'. I believe that Katherine Corcoran suffered from a personality disorder (BPD) (which I believe was passed down either genetically or environmentally to Bunny.) Both she and Macdonald knew there was something wrong with her, but i mean BPD was added to the DSM 5 in the 1980s (when TSH was set) so I believe when she was still younger, getting therapy or going to therapy was heavily stigmatized and also only the extremely mentally ill were treated? Perhaps it was also a social image thing, or a personal pride thing, but sis did not get help for it until much later.

This could just be "In my time, people didn't seek help," but the wording makes me believe she was about to tell an instance or experience of her own, "When I was a girl and struggling with this, I couldn't seek help" so on. She also seems to be in favor of seeking help, even if it is drug related. Makes you think she's probably had to depend on rehabilitation centers or perhaps therapeutic centers herself.

I also feel like, during the events of the book, that maybe she was on mood stabilizers just because she's so cucumber-cool and chill at the worst times. (Described as "calm as a bride" at her own son's funeral whereas her husband can't stop oscillating between bawling and playing with his grandkids.)

Let's talk about her parenting in light of BPD mothers.

According to this study, mothers with BPD might:

not respect their kids' boundaries -> leads to the child developing similar traits. Bunny did not respect boundaries either.

Neglect and emotional under-involvement by mothers with BPD can contribute to the development of BPD in their children. Environmental instability, like frequent changes in housing and schooling, further adds to the challenges. Bunny is quite literally under-developed emotionally AND also he did go thru some environmental instability and extreme neglect growing up. Case in point.

Mothers with BPD may swing between being overly involved and overly distant. This can show up as fluctuating between being controlling and being cold (A trait also expressed by Bunny later on towards his friends). For instance, they might respond to their adolescent's emotions with both neglectful and punishing reactions This inconsistency may confuse the child, making them doubt or deny their own emotions. (Bunny is in denial about a lot of things. That's his way of dealing with his emotions. After the explosive fight with Henry, for example, in Rome. After the fight he tries to pretend everything is normal.)

Apparently children of mothers with BPD tend to also develop disruptive behaviors and other external problems like ADHD. I do think Bunny suffered from ADHD, there's multiple examples of it throughout the book.

Mothers with BPD tend to communicate insensitively, using critical, intrusive, and frightening comments and behaviors. They may also struggle with role confusion, where the child takes on a more adult-like role. We have no proof of this as we never see Bunny interact with his mother. However, the intrusive thing makes me think about something. After Bunny's death, when rumors begin circulating that he was a possible drug user, Katherine reacts vehemently and takes jabs at the press for causing unnecessary emotional damage to an already 'grieving' mother. Then, she orders an autopsy, which is incredibly invasive, not to clear Bunnys name or anything, but to clear her own name.

now I know that running the test would also help clear Bunny's name but you know one of the biggest reasons of denying an autopsy of a loved one is fear of their disfigurement. That's why some families actually tend to not go for autopsies if a coroner or the law doesn't require it. And I know this would've helped Bunny's case in clearing his name but her reasoning behind allowing the disfigurement of her own son post-mortem is just....its so sickening. I felt so sad? 😭 especially in the 1970s, around that time, autopsies were very invasive and didnt deal with people as respectfully as they do today. :(

Additionally, BPD can make SOME mothers incapable of bonding with their own children. They have difficulties with bonding an attachment, thus leading to neglect and a disinterest in their kids' lives. They might also lack empathy as an general thing when dealing with BPD but dont take these statements as like a 100% BPD analysis by a true and learned scholar of BPD YOU NEED TO THINK CRITICALLY. NOt everyone with BPD is like this. They CAN be like this. And I think Katherine was indeed such a mother, because we can see from Bunny's upbringing, and then Bunny's death what kind of a woman she was basically. Bunny's death did not really bother her, only the shame he brought on the family name did. She wasn't emotionally bonded to him, neither does she appear emotionally bonded to her own grandkids, like her husband is. You can even say she probably lacked empathy for her kids.

Now, BPD isn't largely genetic like Bipolar but it has genetic predisposition.

That genetic predisposition paired with environmental influences like neglect can lead to the development of BPD, which is I believe what happened with Bunny. I mean, we can also argue that Bunny's dad was so emotionally volatile. He jumped from one mood to the other, and I'm not being cringey and self-diagnosing (?) book characters but he probably had a mood disorder (Bipolar disorder perhaps) which is largely genetic. So that means Bunny possibly had two parents with personality disorders.

But I do believe Bunny is more similar to his mother than Richard realized or noted in the books, I think. The way he was beginning to get into drugs, too idk. I feel like Macdonald's influence on the boys' behaviors is very prominent, but to see Kathy's influence, you'd have to see their sons up-close. We really only saw Bunny up-close, and that too only from Richard's (very biased imo) opinion

Idk why this made me think of how Bunny was so smiley, but so hateful. He seems amiable at first, and then he seems like a bitch. Same with Katherine. The news was first reporting her as this classy, perfect woman, and then the press turned against her after the interview at the restaurant, after which psychologists began saying the family was dysfunctional and that parents' habits were picked up by their kids (again, this might be an allusion to Katherine's drug addiction mirrored with Bunny's developing drug dependency/usage/interest)

Anyway, building on that, I just wanna say I think Kathy and Macdonald's parenting style was very inconsistent, and most of the times just downright neglectful. This much is clear; the Corcoran household struggled with emotional volatility. Environments like these can seriously alter the brain chemistry of children who grow up in them, and they act as triggers for activating the genetic influences (so basically gene expression can be turned off or on by certain environments)that are present within someone.

So growing up Bunny often felt like his mom loved him, then she didn't, then she did, so on. This could be because of the medications she was on and also her personality disorder. It's mentioned in the books how Bunny was miraculously the best out of all the Corcoran family members (Charles says this) and I think maybe Bunny was more in touch with his emotions than MOST of them; his parents, his siblings, AND his friends.

________________________

II. A Quiet House

I know the popular notion is that the youngest child is the most spoilt but tbh sometimes they can be the loneliest.

The eldest two brothers (Hugh and Ted) have kids that are like, I think almost 10 years old, so I think there's a considerable age gap between (Bunny, Patrick, Brady) & (Hugh and Teddy). Because, like, Bun and Brady are still in school, and Patrick is doing some business start-up thing I think??Anyway, the point I was going to make is that the Corcoran boys were shipped off to boarding schools when they were pretty young, and boarding schools typically start accepting at around age 11 I think. But I think prep boarding schools also exist and your kid can be as young as 7 before you ship them off to stay at the school.

A thing to note, prep boarding schools are VERY expensive and thus exclusive, so if the Corcorans are sending their kids to boarding schools purely for the image of being rich (which we all know that image was the most important thing for them), they might have done that tbh. Which brings me to this point, the age gap isnt too big between Bunny & (Brady+Patrick) but they'd still get to go to boarding school before Bunny, meaning Bunny was younger than 7 years old, and most probably isolated because all his brothers were not at home anymore and he was left to just his neglectful mother (considering his father would be at work) .

Bunny's isolation was probably more pronounced than his brothers, because older siblings being grouped together ended up with him being alone in the developmental years of his life. That could be why he is more dysfunctional than his brothers, but he also might not be more dysfunctional, because we have no idea what his brothers are like in their personal relationships.

________________________

III. Macdonald Corcoran

Donald is an obviously affectionate parent, as we can see, but I have this headcanon which basically ties into all this. I feel like Donald was mostly preoccupied with taking care of his ill wife. I do think he genuinely loved her, idk why, he just seems like the kind of guy. And again, this is not a generalization of BPD women as partners, but it is an analysis of Kathy's overall personality and interactions with Donald in light of the possibility that she had BPD. So this is not a generalization. But Kathy would be the kind of high-maintenance person that Bunny was turning into.

High-maintenance BPD partners are likely to require constant understanding and validation to endure and relieve suffering, which I think Katherine would need a lot in their earlier years or when their kids were young (she starts taking mood stabilizers later, when the stigma reduces mayhaps? So before that they were probably a very volatile dynamic.) Also this is purely my headcanon but like, I think Donald is the sort who would try and avoid conflict with Katherine or at the very least, bend to her whims.

This interaction kind of shows us how she's dismissive towards his attempts at remaining neutral or even positive about a harmless action performed by people they knew. 'It's a common cognitive distortion in BPD, where individuals may swing between idealization and devaluation, perceiving situations or people as either entirely good or completely bad.' BPD is also marked by negative thinking patterns, and often times their partners/friends have to either validate their concerns or try and challenge them. We can see here that Donald is on friendlier terms with the Bartles, he calls them by their first name, but she calls them by their title. Still, she doesn't care that her husband seems to like them and disparages their 'gift'.

Anyway, their dynamic is a whole thing, I believe, and I think Donald might have actually made for a decent father had he not been torn between choosing his wife and his kids. Can't blame him or be mad at him for choosing his wife, either, maybe he had already almost lost her and became afraid of that possibility re-occurring.

So like, even when he'd come home, he'd spend time with his wife who, yes, she needed him, but he obviously neglected his kids in that aspect.

________________________

IV. Father Henry

You know how Bunny is always begging Henry for attention? He specifically needs Henry's attention, because Henry is the man in his life who he has given the 'Father' role to.

The providing role- Henry fulfills Bunny's need for a stable father, his stoicism keeps Bunny's volatile self grounded. Understand this-- Why does Bunny gravitate to Henry more?

Because of his riches? Partly.

Francis was also rich, and he was probably a bigger pushover than Henry, but Bunny still preferred Henry over Francis. It was not all about the money. Bunny needed the father he yearned for since childhood. In his mind, he'd built Henry up into this figure he could depend on no matter what. That scene with Richard in the restaurant-- Bunny's in trouble, first thing he does is call Henry, like a kid who expects their parent to always get them out of trouble. Richard even describes Bunny's behavior around Henry that of a 'bad child'.

That's why Bunny expects Henry to give him the world. That's why he respects him even after everything starts going to shit, even when he won't respect anyone else, because he never grew up, and, despite being 24 years of age he was still desperately seeking the love he knew he could have almost had. Sure, his mother perhaps would never have loved him, but his father could have loved him more, been more attentive. I don't think Donald was restrictive with his affection at all, but I do think he was not nearly as attentive as Bunny needed him to be.

You could argue he has daddy issues, so he seeks a deep relationship with a man who cannot give him what he needs. What's worse is I know Henry was trying desperately to not be his own father (Mr. Winter). He viewed parenthood as something negative, but he was pushed into that role unintentionally by Bunny. I don't think either of them realized what was going on.

Which is funny because Henry's weird co-dependent daddy-issue relationship with Bunny was what kind of lead to not only his own decline and death, but the decline of their friendship, the death of Bunny, and the decline of the Greek class. 💀

Also something to add, I can also say that I think Henry's relationship with Bunny actually began shaping Henry more into the mold of his father, Mr. Winter.

From what we can tell or assume, Henry's father was:

cold, distant (Henry's mother is depressed, meek, subservient. Henry himself has no interaction with his father. His father does not attend his funeral)

abusive (probably lead to Henry's injuries either directly or indirectly). he could have been either emotionally or physically abusive.

exercises influence through money (can be inferred although it cannot be said with 100% certainty. He's a distant business tycoon who is involved in some shady stuff, there's a level of corruption there and usually these kinds of themes are at play in such situations. But I can acknowledge this is a bit of a reach).

Henry is not cold or distant by default, I believe. I mean yeah he's kind of closed-off, but he wouldn't necessarily ignore or avoid someone just because. He becomes avoidant and cold, and distant specifically to Bunny after the turmoil with Bunny pushes him to that point.

He can't really be called abusive but he did hit Bunny (even if it was an impulse and he didn't mean it) and then throw (?) a chair at him later (definitely meant that). Also the cold and distant comes into play here because he let Bunny cry himself to sleep and did not bother apologizing even once, or even checking in on him. I know this is not his fault- he was traumatized, he didn't want to fight Bunny anymore- but there's also a level of "I'm done with this and I dont care about it anymore". Henry is shown to have a "idc" personality from the start which I think becomes exacerbated towards Bunny due to Bunny's behavior. But also, even after their fight in Rome, even when they were interacting normally, Henry did not apologize to Bunny for the crap he wrote in his journal about him. Instead, he just "tolerated" Bunny a bit more for like 2 days before abandoning him in Rome

I mean Henry didn't really leverage his financial position and privilege over Bunny

So it's a very fucked up dynamic, can you see it? They had very different relationships with their fathers, and very different expectations and views of one another. Henry never asked to be put into the shoes of Bunny's father, and Bunny never meant to push Henry into becoming Mr. Winter, but alas.

#also what if henry killed himself because he realized he was becoming his father by the way....idk just a thought #i fucking rambled again #this post has been in the works for so long but i just sat down to write it and like #i should be stuydung #help #the secret history #bunny corcoran #tsh #henry winter #tsh donna tartt #winterbunny #macdonald corcoran #katherine corcoran

[nevermeyers]

Nah I finished Nosotros en la Luna (Us in the moon, not currently translated to english thank god), which is a love story about two people meeting randomly in Paris, they exhange emails and from then it begins an insufferable path of 🎀 romatizing toxic behavior 🎀 AND I NEED TO TALK SHIT ABOUT IT RN BC IT'S SO HORRIBLE 😩

Like, she's egoistic, controlling and so so inmature while he's the worst cliché to ever exist, the typical l'm so lost in life boy, incredibly jealous who also has parental issues and was the perfect american boy in high-school with a pretty gf (and now he sleeps with a different one every night) yk what I'm talking about right.

The metaphors are SO forced in the narrative. It's so boring and repetitive. Just another story about how she becomes his rehabilitation center 😍

The author makes an effort to give them depth but, honestly, development and clichés don't help. The worst thing is that after chapters and chapters, the author rushes the end in such an absurd way. Suddenly we discover that he has drug addiction and alcoholism problems and it is implied that he has been consuming for a long time but that subject is never touched in a serious way. It's a mockery.

She has a baby but, again, the topic is never touched in a serious real-life way, she talks about having a baby like all she had to do was go and buy him in the supermarket. It is implied she's a feminist but her ideas are not touched in any single way, in fact all she does is being extremely toxic with him and disrespect herself again and again and again. It feels like listening how your bestie went together with her ex again lol

Also, the whole love solves everything ending?? Lmao. This is written for kids at this point, there's nothing realistic nor enjoyable about this novel. At this point I was just reading it bc I wanted to finish it quickly and move on to read something better, also bc I don't like to left books unfinished. This one was eternal, boring and every single positive reflection or critic the characters do turns out to be trashed in the next chapter by how inmature they behave

If you don't see the toxic behavior in this book, please seek help and inform yourself because it's seriously concerning that some people think this is romantic. This is how love IS NOT supposed to be

Also, someone tell the author no one uses email to talk with people as if it were Instagram ☠️

Another overhyped booktok phenomenon that, for no ones surprise, is actually horrible

#english speakers feel fortunate you don't have this in your book stores #@meyers #@meyers reads #anti booktok

[ihhfhonao3]

Some hate I’ve gathered over the past two (2) days because I think they’d make funny copypastas. Tw for rabid ableism and transphobia because that’s just what people do on here I guess lmao

Having gender dysphoria is being delusional; you are deluded about your own body to the point where you seek to change it to conform to misogynistic stereotypes. Calling someone delusional who is, in fact, delusional, is not, in fact, ableism. Being delusional is undesirable. Being mentally ill is undesirable. Saying otherwise is ableist. Everything you listed is indicative of being delusional, besides the disabled bit. None of what you listed has anything to do with being disabled. Using the term "neurodiverse" to identify yourself is as fucking stupid as using "biodiverse" to identify a plant. The human population is neurodiverse, our planet is biodiverse. "Neurodiverse" is a term neither coined, nor used, nor sanctioned by neuroscientists. "Queer" is a slur against LGB (HOMOSEXUAL) people. It is not an identity. Being a delusional misogynistic, science-denier like all trans and "non-binary" people are, has nothing to do with being LGB. Additionally, there is no oppression that trans people face for being trans. Being a furry is disgusting, as well as delusional, and, again, has nothing to do with being LGB. No furry is oppressed; people find them disgusting bc they simply, by definition, are. I don't even really know what the fuck "otherkin" means and I don't want to. No one cares about this niche bullshit, and no one is oppressed due to their attempt to be it. Other people thinking you're stupid, misogynistic, homophobic, insane, obnoxious, and revolting isn't, in and of itself, a form of oppression. Sometimes, others think you're stupid, misogynistic, homophobic, insane, obnoxious, and revolting bc that's precisely what you are. I'm here to tell you that anyone who uses the "identities" you listed (besides being disabled), and/or believes in the ideologies connected to them; that person is stupid, misogynistic, homophobic, insane, obnoxious, and revolting. Grow the fuck up. Stop talking about LGB people, and stop including us in your larping puppyplay creepy bs. Your ahistoric delusional porn-sick behavior has nothing to do with us, and it never has.

@ihhfhonao3 tried to "call me out" by reposting my page to their blog, calling me a bigot etc. yet when I responded to their post with logic and explained that as a gay man I do not accept an ideology created by pe do John Money, they deleted my comments and responded with infantile and massochistic messages. This is so typical of the left, their hypocrisy, and their love of censorship.

I do not intend to harm any individual, however I will not hesitate to call bullshit on an ideology that is absolutely harming people. Its harming children and young people, its harming women, its harming LGB people. I have been "radicalized" by my first hand experience of narcissistic trans individuals, and my observation of the interesting correlation between governments, and corporations promotion of the "progressive" pride flag and all things trans. I absolutely believe there is a nefarious agenda.

Have there been "gender non confirming" people forever!? Absolutely. But they havent used drugs and surgery to ruin their bodies. It was only ever a very small number of people that were so non conforming as to be "cross dressing." Someone told me the other day in all seriousness that they didnt think men should wear shorts. Peoples ideas about conformity and gender are all over the map. You can wear whatever the f you want to now... just dont tell children that they need to become sterile to "be their true selves."

Yes gender separate from sex is a construct. Its a normative set of traits. However these things are not at all concrete. To conflate ones biology with the clothes one likes to wear is NORMATIVE CAPITULATION! So why are the supposed rebels perpetuating NORMATIVE STEREOTYPES!?

Its ludicrous and is evidence that these people are actually weak minded victims of a massive psychological operation fomented many decades ago. These same people will say thats just a "conspiracy theory" and yet believe that "THE PATRIARCHY MUST BE SMASHED," yet want to give children's bodies and minds over to Pharma Corp and Rockefeller medicine!?

It is a psy op.

There are autogynaphilics, and there are gay men with internalized homophobia. These are mental states of confusion. They are not lifestyles to be celebrated or something to take pride in.

These people are not part of the LGB. They are hostile to everything that LGB is. Drag queens and transvestites are not transexual. You are not born in the wrong body. You are not too "butch" to be a woman, or to "femme" to be a man. Gender separate from sex is just a concept, a lens, a made up thing like unicorns. We can talk about them, but it doesnt make them real.

This is a nuanced conversation that must occur before its all out war and were literally murdering each other in the street. Thats what the puppet masters want. They want chaos. They want us hating each other. I dont hate people, but I do hate lies. And I will stand up to lies and liars till my very last breath.

Not all people who identify as “queer” are mentally ill, but you definitely are, OP. Seek help, please, as wanting to be dehumanized and suffering from violent mood swings are very serious signs of deep disturbance. Also I don’t believe you have the “spoons” to make a phone call, let alone rip out someone’s entrails.

#transphobes #homophobia #ableism #online harassment #cyberbullying #i hate it here #randos getting mad at me #copypasta

[milkweedman]

Second round of seedlings so far ! I have no idea what any of the flowers coming up are (ran out of labels a few years ago and now i just like to guess until it's big enough to be obvious lol) but the beets (red shoots with green leaves) and spinach (no closeups but its the ones that look like little grass) are doing well, as is the singular melon that actually germinated. Not sure what happened there, maybe i planted the rest too deep. The sage, basil, amd parsley are all from the first round of seedlings and just growing slowly and steadily. Should probably thin them, i guess...

Also, the lavendar outside is doing that molting thing again which i love, and the Old Stump in the front yard is looking particularly nice today.

#gardening #im very nervous at the moment because i just sent a message to my surgeon asking for more pain meds #bc of how awful the last week has been #and im nervous that 1) she'll say no bc i rly dont know how i will get thru another week or so of that pain #but also 2) what if she labels it drug seeking behavior and it goes on my chart or something ?? #like the thing is that it IS drug seeking behavior bc i want drugs so that i am in less pain #specifically do want drugs for pain control. and will want them in the future too ... #idk. yeah. nervous. also still in a lot of pain but took my very last two oxys a few minutes ago bc #if i am going to be this nervous it seems cruel to make myself also experience the fact that my right hip is dislocated again #which it is. and has been for a few days now. #chronic illness #hospital #i mean technically we are talking about surgery pain here but its not like all the chronic pain disappears for surgery #it doesnt take a nice little vacation #its still there its just that now youre trying to recover while every few hours someone dislocates a joint for fun #which doesnt help very much with recovery #anyway ! it is a nice day outside rn but im not sure if i should trust that it will stay that way for long #but i would love to spin... #considered yesterday that i could just put the alpaca on the backburner until the weather is actually good enough #to spin outside for 5-6 hours at a time so i can just get it done #and mix some fun scrap batts to spin in the meantime #but i had a box full of packing peanuts from the dulcimer that my moms girlfriend sent #which was sitting right underneath all my scrap yarn in my crafting area in my room #and then all of my scrap yarn fell into it. and i have not cleaned it up yet for reasons unknown to me #will try to do it today ? the oxy has kicked in (have to take double the dose for it to do anything so the latest refill was 2.5 doses) #and i am in Minimal Pain and feeling...dare i say .... functional ? #drugs

[apenapaperandadoofus]

Least favorite mysme character

Opp-

I've said this already and I am sorry but

DEFINETLY V

Now this isn't a V hate post! Not at all, I'm just explaining about some things that I feel we don't talk about much in the fandom, a sort of analysis of the character I guess lmao

Listen listen- there are moments where he's pretty cute and I have to admit it, he does get my heart going doki doki

But like I've said over and over again, there are things which I feel like we don't hold him responsible for. I'm not going to include Ray's AE on the list bc I know some people think it's really uncharacteristic and I have to admit they really threw him under the bus in that one

I love V's character don't get me wrong

I would just like for the fandom to not see him as an innocent angel all the time (like with Ray, he's pretty cute and adorable, sure but uh- there are things that he does that are REALLY questionable, just like all the characters, like in their bad endings and such, the thing about MM is that all the characters have flaws and that's GREAT!)

Now the thing with V:

What I feel like it isn't fair, is that we always shift the blame in only Rika. Am I saying she's innocent? Hell no, she did SO much shit, and ruined a lot of people's lives. But what about V?

We could say he had good intentions, and I mean in Rika's mind she thought was doing the right thing too! But V was definetly a big factor with Rika's uh, darkness we can say. V was one of the main factors, and he totag enabled Rika's behavior, by actually saying he loved her dark side and by actually forgiving whatever she did! I mean, Rika killed the twins mom and V was there, and he HELPED cover the murder.

Both V and Rika were toxic in the relationship and I feel like if Rika had been with someone else? Like Jumin? She could've totally changed. V made her believe that her dark side, her devil was something she should embrace, that he loved it, and he basically let her know that no matter what he would be there for her, enabling her to think that she could do whatever she wants and not face the consequences because V will be there to clean her shit up. And that's not ok.

I want us to realize that V had a big part in everything too, by not helping Rika the right way, by not asking for help, by literally enabling Rika to believe that being bad was good.

We always see V as the saint and Rika as the devil, when both of them share equal parts of the blame.

When know V was trying to do the right thing, sure, but we literally see him admit that he was in a relationship with Rika because he wanted to help her to feel better about himself and to feel needed. He wasn't exactly doing it all from the 'kindness' of his heart, he was doing it because like Rika, he wanted, he NEEDED to be loved.

V has definetly been though so much, and I actually understand why he would think that way, which is why I love his character and Rika in a way. He is my least favorite probably because I feel like in some routes we let him off too easy, like in Saeyoung's (I mean he died but c'mon, I would've totally reacted the same way Saeyoung did, and honestly V did deserve it) also in Jumin's route, WHEN HE HURTS THE POOR BABY. Out of everyone Jumin is the most kindest, and most loyal friends, and we all know he would take a bullet and walk to hell and back for them. Which is why I can't forgive V for lying to him, for not seeking help. I really value loyalty and honesty in a friendship, and it really hurts when I see how V is the one that ruined his relationship with Jumin.

I understand that he doesn't want to hurt them and that it's "all his fault" which it also it btw along with Rika, but the reason why he does it is also absolutely selfish and you can't convince me otherwise

He doesn't tell his friends bc he wants to take the blame, to pay for his actions, but like dude? There are people being drugged and extorted, you CANNOT play the martyr role, when other people are involved and in danger you have to ask for help because it's just isn't about you and your psycho ex fiancee anymore.

Anyway sorry for the rant hehe I absolutely love talking about characters like this, and not only V but the other MM characters as well! Like I said before this is not a V hate post and he definitely has some great qualities and I'm glad that in his AE he FINALLY does smth right, but it's just really sad how people always make Rika the bad one and V the innocent cinnamon roll (he is definetly a cinnamon roll, but he's not 100% innocent in everything)

Thanks for coming to my ted talk pfttttt

#mystic messenger #mysme #jumin han #saeyoung choi #jihyun mysme #saeran choi #choi bois

[ficconfessions]

when i say y’all normalize and romanticize it that’s exactly what I mean lol. i didn’t call anybody’s work fucked up crap. i called what they write about fucked up. because writing about drugging someone, spiking their drinks, hiding their contraceptives, r!ping them (there’s no such thing as dubious consent in the first place, if it’s dubious then it’s not consent, it’s r!pe so essentially you’re writing about a character violating another’s body), manipulating them, abusing them, gaslighting them, mentally and physically exhausting them to the brink of death, m!rdering their friends, kidnapping them, stamping ownership on their body, mind and every aspect of their life, controlling their every thought, behavior and decision, and so on is writing about, normalizing and romanticizing fucked up themes. there’s not one single good message on those stories. not one y/n getting out of it, not one “if you’re going through this irl, this is abusive, please seek professional help, you’re not alone”, not one dark character going to jail for their crimes. people are literally writing a character emotionally manipulating another character to have sex with them and violating them mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically while making the character subjected to that feel extreme arousal and pleasure and not once do they put a good, positive message out there or even a hotline for help. this is romanticizing every single type of violation there is and disguising it as love and pleasure.

create a tag for this dark stuff because i’m honestly tired of having to scroll through my fav’s tags that were once filled with healthy, normal angst, fluff and happiness and are now filled with r!pe, kidnappings, stalking, obsession and the list goes on. my first ask was never hate. y’all read/write whatever y’all want to read/write, just stop normalizing and romanticizing that and create a specific niche for y’all instead of using “character x reader” tag bc that r!pist psychopathic character some of you write about and read isn’t “character x reader”. if you’re tagging your story as dark!character x reader, then there’s absolutely no need to tag it as “character x reader” too. leave that for the slightly modified personalities that can still resemble the original character instead of their rotten, twisted, Ted Bundy versions.

Do some reading, learn about why some people use dark fiction as a coping mechanism or why it may be appealing or interesting to some. Use the block button if you don’t want to see dark fics writers in the tag. Based on how passionate you are about this, I’m assuming you boycott horror movies and books too? The difference is, books and movies don’t actually have clear warnings, fanfics do so you can easily scroll past them. Dark fics are exactly like horror stories which don’t always end on a positive note either. You can’t be that entitled to think that the entire fandom is going to agree on one dark fiction tag just because you can’t take four seconds to scroll past a couple of fics.

I’m gonna remind everyone: “This blog is a safe space for all fanfiction lovers and we don’t insult people just because they like to read/write about certain things. I don’t care if you’re a fan of dark, fluff or smut - you’re welcome here as long as you’re respectful. There’s no space for prejudice here.”

[just-another-hhazbin]

i have SO MANY headcanons get ready

first of allll........i heacanon angel has both bpd and hpd (bc so do i 😳). bpd is characterized by feeling isolated, intense emotions that the sufferer struggles to deal with, extreme fear of abandonment, drug/alcohol use, and suicidal ideation. on the other hand hpd is characterized by acting seductively and/or dramatically for attention (positive or negative), high sensitivity to criticism, constantly seeking reassurance and validation, and being excessively self centered.

and i like to think there’s some canon evidence to back me up here bc angel definitely seems to struggle with being seen as weak/not being good enough and reacts harshly when vaggie insults his appearance. i also headcanon angel is hypersexual and thinks the only reason anyone would ever love him is for sex, which is Sad but also a mood

that got long oopsie 😳 okay Anyway i also hc both angel and alastor are afab nonbinary 🥺 angel is genderfluid (goes from male to gender neutral to female uvu) and doesn’t really. care about pronouns but would say he/him if asked. alastor is agender (previously id’d as a trans guy) and their pronouns are he/they/it.

bonus hc: alastor has not otherwise specified psychotic disorder, basically in the form of auditory hallucinations (voices laughing and telling him to do things) with no other features. [as u can tell i’m projecting but Anyway]. al also has pretty graphic intrusive thoughts. one of the reasons he hates being close with people is because he’s afraid he’ll hurt them and end up being all alone again.

I need ALL the headcanons. 👀 They are my sole sustenance besides caffeine and chicken afjashdjfhasjkfs. 

Also, because I will repeat this on each and every single ask that discusses neurodivergent headcanons because I know some of y’all will yap about it if I don’t - we are firmly ignoring the implications of any character being canonly neurodivergent and what kind of rep that might provide while acknowledging that being neurodivergent has nothing to do with what makes a person “good” or “bad.” We also do not invalidate any neurodivergency in this house. Cool? Cool. Onwards!

The projection mood... 📓✍️  I can definitely see Angel with both/either of those disorders. He definitely shows signs of both from the glimpses we see in both the pilot and addict, though obligatory disclaimer that his environment between the drugs and Valentino definitely isn’t helping, him seeking out the risks and rush and attention, etc from those industries would be in line with either or both of those... I need more notes emojis asfhkjashf. But yes, I definitely see Angel exhibiting behavior in canon that would line up with those headcanons.  

I can also definitely see and understand hypersexual!Angel Dust, though I am somewhat guilty of harboring a love for ace!Angel Dust as well. Do I think hypersexual is much more likely canon-wise than ace? Yup. Do I love it anyway... yes I do.  I also agree with him seeing himself as unlovable and wanted only for sex - the implied abuse of Henroin would have damaged his self-esteem enough, nevermind some - 70? - years of working under Valentino, he of the abusive behavior and possible/probable gaslighting, along with whatever Anthony was doing in his life topside.

We know my nonbinary ass loves some nonbinary headcanons. Genderqueer Alastor and Angel Dust... are so important to meeee... (wipes a tear from my eye dramatically).  I tend to put Angel Dust somewhere between trans and genderqueer more than genderfluid, just someone who’s fully comfortable with himself/themself and knows he looks rocking no matter how he presents himself. But I can also see him as genderfluid! 🤔 Hell, I’m agender and I still have days where I poke myself and feel one gender more than another. The nonbinary mood...

Agender Alastor is something I love with all my agender heart, absolutely yes. (Nobody talk to me, I’m projecting.)  I know we’ve talked about agender al on here before but damnit we’re talking about them again. I think Alastor just does whatever the fuck Alastor wants, and when asked about a gender, it isn’t “boy” or “girl” or etc., it’s just... Alastor. They’re just themself. I do tend to have my agender Alastor use he/him pronouns more than they/them, just because he’s grown comfortable with them and is a bit stuck in the 1930s, but he’s also comfortable with they/them. It/Its are incredibly valid pronouns, but Experiences have led to them not being my personal preference.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  (And I stress the personal there. And then point to me projecting ajfdhskdhfas.)

[We all project a bit, it’s valid.] I’ve never really thought much about the possibility of him hearing voices, but with his impulsive behavior and mood swings from topside I wouldn’t necessarily be surprised, and I especially wouldn’t be surprised given his afterlife connection to the Loa and, ya know, the whole “Radio” thing.

I definitely headcanon Alastor as someone who is very impulsive and does have intrusive thoughts that he’s sometimes more than happy to carry out (ie on strangers) but is less than pleased with when they involve himself or those he cares about. He has no real desire to see his people hurt, but he’ll still catch himself thinking about it, maybe the shadows darkening a bit, his hands straying... and then he’ll catch himself and make up an excuse to hurriedly leave and collect himself elsewhere or go on a killing spree as an (invalid) coping method.  I also agree that I definitely think Alastor fears loneliness and silence, and maybe I’ve just read Jadeile’s “Afterlife” too many times, but you cannot convince me that Alastor isn’t a touch-starved extrovert. He was a charming and popular radio host in life, he probably had all the attention he could’ve wanted and then some. That’s probably how he made a few of his kills, even. But in Hell where every other street his plastered with signs warning people to run from him? Yeah. Also, he’s just incredibly clingy and manhandling through the pilot, and I think part of that is because he’s finally around people who won’t just run screaming if he so much as speaks to them (unlike pretty much everyone else, as seen in the comic).

Okay, I went off on a couple tangents there, but. Yes. I’m done now sadkjfh.

#nobody try to do the trans angel dust discourse with me we’ve already had that #lowkey thought everyone had intrusive thoughts but apparently some people (my family) don't #is it denial or do they actually not have them because so many sources are contradicting on intrusive thoughts #and also I don't go a single chem lab without wondering what would happen if I drank the boiling green liquid or etc. #yes my intrusive thoughts have become less centered around others and more on myself as my anger issues and self-esteem have decreased over #because Life #anyway! #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel headcanons #hazbin alastor #hazbin angel dust #alastor #angel dust #nb alastor #nb angel dust #trans angel dust #bpd angel dust #hpd angel dust #angel dust headcanons #alastor headcanons #angel dust headcanon #alastor headcanon #long post #hazbin hotel alastor #hazbin hotel angel dust #alastor hazbin hotel #angel dust hazbin hotel #alastor hcs #angel dust hcs #hazbin hotel headcanon

[kuriquinn]

Dear Mr. Kuri, thank you so much for your recent post concerning the young artist who was effectively censored from sharing his/her/their art on a particular subject (just... so sad). I was hoping to get your thoughts on how adults might navigate interactions with minors in this space. Specifically, extending our support for their work w/out necessarily... engaging with them. I know this sounds crazy stupid but before tumblr I wasn't really active on any social media and I had no idea (cont'd)

there were so many users under the age of 16 on this site. I've even come to learn that some identified users I had interacted with early on were as young as 13, and as someone in my 30's - tbh that scared the shit out of me. I totally agree that someone that young and impressionable would be crushed by the kind of criticism that poor artist faced, and would likely never create or share again... to their detriment. The thing is though, I feel really hesitant following any creator (cont'd)

that isn't 18 or older... What are your thoughts on following/reblogging/interacting with minors in fandom? I fully agree that they need support, especially from older users who don't care what some stranger on the internet has to say... but I just feel... like I don't know how to go about that the right way. I really REALLY don't want minors on my blog at all... sorry to bother you with this, just wondering how you'd suggest handling this. I didn't comment on the post bc I didn't (cont'd)

want to risk that young artist reading my inquiry and feeling even more alienated. As always, thank you for your time and insight. - Birk

I may go a bit off-topic here, but let me give this a try:

I think in, In the end, it all comes down to communication and mutual respect.

Adults have this pervading mentality that until a child hits 18, they need to be infantilized and sheltered, but once they pass that magical number, then it’s a free for all. So, for eighteen years, it’s all about sticking a Potemkin village in front of any idea, person or situation that a child might find uncomfortable (read: they don’t like the feelings it gives them; very different from actual harmful ideas/persons/situations). Then, these sheltered almost-adults enter public spaces and expect society to keep doing that…when it turns out that’s not how it works, they become toxic.

This is how poisonous movements like purity-culture develop online, or new fans who demonize older fans and adults as being perverts for enjoying the very same pastimes they have.

For those of us interacting with these people, the automatic reaction is to “cancel” that person, thereby alienating and isolating them even more in their bad behavior. Instead of taking the time to talk with and try to show them through actions that the world isn’t limited to what they know.

As adults in fandom, we know that a large majority of the fandom is younger, because we were them once. We were that 12-year-old discovering fanfiction existed or sharing drawings we made of our original Harry Potter characters or quoting our favorite movies and televisions ad infinite. We got shit for it in real life, so we had to create spaces of our own online.

We, in effect, built fandom so that it would be more welcoming for the generations that came after us. And while a lot of us stick to that unwritten knowledge, as the years pass, a lot more become gatekeepers. They set a standard of what a fan must know or do to be considered a “real” fan, and they’re mean about how they do that.

Is it any wonder that new fans coming in experience this behavior and then jump on the “adults in fandom is creepy” bandwagon?

These new fans coming in, especially tweens and teens, they still live in this false reality where they only get to enjoy themselves and be kids for a limited amount of time, and once they Become Adult they have to give it all up—and can’t figure out why all those old creeps online are still a part of such “childish” things.

That fault lies squarely on our society, which pushes kids from a young age to be thinking of what they want to do when they grow up so they can get out there and start producing, producing, producing for the state and becoming a “useful” member of society.

We as fandom veterans, need to do our best to teach them differently, and that comes right back to my point: communication and mutual respect.

Older fans need to respect newcomers, as much as the new baby fans need to learn to respect their fandom elders. There is no maximum age for fandom; there’s no minimum age, either, although the younger the fan, the more their parents should be keeping an eye out for the truly damaging stuff and teaching their kids how to avoid that stuff on their own.

Now, obviously, people don’t always announce online how old they are (though it does happen more frequently now than when I started writing), but regardless, there should be a certain etiquette to it.

When you interact with someone online, you don’t know if they are 15 or 50. And the way you interact with them shouldn’t change based on knowing their age. We should maintain the same level of respect for the new fans as the older fans.

So, as to how adults might navigate interactions with minors (especially when you know they’re minors)?

Treat them as any other intelligent human being: with respect.

Because how else are they going to learn?

My mom always used to say to us, “I’m not raising children, I’m raising adults,” which basically meant she was teaching us how to be adults. Kids don’t pop out of the womb magically knowing how to interact with the world, they take their cues from the adults that are already there.

Fandom babies learn how to be active participants in fandom from the people who are already there. And they’re more likely to listen to and look up to someone that treats them as a mature and capable being, than someone who dismisses them as too young or too green, or dismisses their knowledge and experience because they haven’t earned their metaphorical stripes.

Remember, a lot of these kids are coming to fandom because they need an outlet. In this age of helicopter parents, this is the only place where they get to be treated as an individual adult-in-the-making instead of the overly protected child or student that must be shielded from the world. A lot of them are trying to figure out how to deal with the horrors that happen to them or around them every day. That 16-year-old girl writing a rape/non-con fic under a pseudonym? She could be exorcising her own demons through the only way she has because no one in her life is listening to her. That 14-year-old writing about homelessness might know more about it than someone twice his age.

Expertise and experience knows no age, and as adults, we need to not fall into the trap of thinking it does. There are some kids out there that have seen and endured more than I can even imagine.

In recent years, there’s been this trend of treating kids like sexless beings until we, the adults, deem them capable of having a sense of sexuality. When the reality is, once kids start puberty, they’re developing that sexuality, and are trying to figure out what it means to them and how to navigate it, and the world. It doesn’t matter if adults are uncomfortable with it, this is what our human biology has decided for us.

And chances are, as much as adults try to curate the world and keep kids from seeing the darker, less safe stuff? They’re already doing it. I saw this when I was teaching, the kids are already accessing and interacting with stuff like sex, drugs, relationships… Whenever a faceless censor tries to block that sort of thing, they find a way around it. Humans are funny like that—we want the things that are kept away from us, whether harmful or not.

It’s our responsibility to help them think critically about what they’re seeing, and teach them to express themselves about it in a respectful manner.

So by all means: follow that amazing artist even if they are only 15. Their age doesn’t negate the fact that they have talent that needs to be nurtured and encouraged. Reblog the images and the fics that strike you, even if you find out the person writing it isn’t 18 yet. Send a shoutout via DM or review or comment to someone that you admire whether you know they’re age or not.

Unless you’re being actively creepy and offensive (and seriously, don’t do that, it’s gross whether the recipient is a minor or not), chances are these creators are desperate for some assurance that the medium they choose to express themselves in is having an effect on people—and that they have the power to make even adults sit up and listen.

So…TL;DR:

When interacting with younger fans, do so with respect. And if they say something problematic, don’t automatically cancel them and write them off as “obviously too young and immature to understand”. They understand more than you think and will seek out their interests whether adults think it’s appropriate or not. That’s how freedom works. But if we’re going to nip bad behavior like purity culture and agism in the bud, we need to start by treating minors in fandom as adults developing their worldview, not as infants to be sheltered.  

#longpost #asks #fandom #content creators #content consumers #reading #writing #online etiquette

[merrysithmas]

mmmm hard and quick question who tops boris or theo

😂🤣sorry i just need to pick myself up off the floor after thinking about THEO topping anyone of his own free will. the only kind of person i can imagine Theo topping is like... Agent Q from the new Bond movies but even after that they're like, yeahhh maybe this isn't for us. Lmao. Bc Theo doesn't like... want that.

(disclaimer: as a gay, i personally don't really like analyzing this topic in fandom, there is no menu or standard to human behavior and everyone reacts to the world differently and experiences pleasure differently, esp in a queer dynamic, so im like... who cares, dynamics are fluid anyway. but for sake of analyzing text here we go)

Based off the context of their personalities and dynamic, it is obvious Theo is thrown into massive depression and self-loathing when sleeping with women (Carol, Kitsey, Julie). He describes the experiences of sleeping with women as something he is monotonously expected to do, something that makes him uncomfortable and ashamed, or something substandard, and he never colors his descriptions of his affairs with women with passion, relief, or pleasure. He is like an automaton, simply following society's rules of how he "should" act and behave (or what he believes is so), essentially a Live Action Roleplay of misery that he follows with total loathing but adament piousness to stave off the horrors of his PTSD.

Now this is a point because of the way Theo and Boris (1) feel power and (2) experience comfort. Theo feels comfort and safety and power when he is vulnerable. He spends the entire book presenting a tremelous facade of being untouchable, invulnerable, and aloof (sometimes forcibly) when all the while he is dying inside from post-traumatic stress. He is a monumentous wall that could crack if you rested a feather on it. Yet Theo desperately abandons that ruse when he runs and crushes the painting to himself, his only relief, his most vulnerable and relieving moments. Crying, curling his fingers over it, feeling safe and sound alone and soft and aching when no one is looking. His only peace. Well, until Boris. Until Boris came along and held and crushed Theo himself to his own chest (mirroring how Theo crushed the painting) as Theo would wake screaming, choked with sobs, lulled to sleep in Boris' comforting arms. Again, safe, vulnerable, at peace.

So what I am saying is, Theo feels emotional fulfillment and safety and comfort not from the expression of control or power (in fact his agency is very much deleted by those things, as he actively kills his soul little by little with his obsessive unhealthy control and perfectionism of his fake life). Theo is relieved by and emotionally fulfilled by the expression of vulnerability and reception of safety and love. His best self is brought out and his healing starts and he feels like himself - like he is whole, finally.

So while Theo was curled into Boris' arms accepting his vulnerability in front of one other person (apart from his mother aka the painting), Boris at the same time was also experiencing something he seldom received -- a feeling of power and control and guardianship and the actualization of his physical realness, the use of his body to not just be victimized by violence from his father and then depersonalized but the use of it to protect and care for another. A gigantic relief and comfort and avenue of self-realization for him (bookended in adolescence by his gutsy kiss when Theo left -- acts of bold physical interjection giving him a sense of accomplshment and emotional power... ahem: Shh, Potter).

Boris is the exact opposite of Theo, which is another reason why they likely got on so closely and keenly. They are compliments. Whereas Theo feels relief and freedom in vulnerability, Boris feels no safety or comfort in vulnerability. Boris deeply fears vulnerability as evidenced by: his unrelenting horrific physical abuse by his father, his playful childhood violence used to express emotionality, jerking away fearfully when Theo tries to attend to his wound, becoming ghastly terrified when Theo drowns him, his profession as a gang leader who is highly skilled in physical intimidation and defense weaponry (so much so that he saves both of their lives in the shootout and does in fact get the painting back, even if short-lived), his ultimately flippant and nonvocal reaction to being literally shot, his liberal use of a plethora of a drugs, his aesthetic presentation of imposing nicely cut dark clothes meant to exhibit an intimidating figure/presence, his deleterious dynamics with Kotku (physical violence) and Theo (emotionally fearful), his habit of frequent colorful lying, his theft of the painting likely for some insurance of livelihood as a starving child.

Boris does not feel empowered and safe when he is not in control of his physical body -- Boris feels comfort and pleasure when he is in a position of control and power over himself and others. He has adapted his developmental shortcomings to serve his life in what he sees as a positive way and find peace with it. He leads a gang, he is a wealthy man, he can fix Theo's problems, he says honestly he has a good life.

There is also the question of emotional vulnerability -- again, although Theo is hugely closed off and it is pretty much the premise of the book, when he is most happy and most free is when he is emotionally vulnerable. Theo writes that he, of course, loves Boris. He writes he is happy during their idyllic year together and is more emotionally forthcoming about it than anything else in the book. He becomes jealous over Kotku because she "assumes ownership" of Boris - the person he feels emotionally comfortable and safe with. His love for his mother is an enduring buoy in his life, the painting brings him emotional relief, he falls into Hobie's arms as a derelict child, he frets feverishly over Boris' wounded arm. He is most himself in vulnerability after a lifetime of emotional suffocation.

Boris is also highly distressed by emotional vulnerability, but in context of Boris&Theo, it is Boris who is more fearful of emotional vulnerability as children. Theo cries in Boris arms, seeks Boris out, finds emotional solace in Boris. Boris, unaccostumed to this safety flees it and searches out an eventually toxic dynamic between he and Kotku instead. Boris changes as he grows older: feeling guilt over stealing the painting, telling Theo to value his life - he is philosophical by nature. However this emotional cognizance does not translate to his physical life. In fact it is the other way around: Boris uses that physical power and safety he has cultivated to lend him strength and space and psychological protection so that he can be emotionally self-analytical. Theo has become emotionally hardened until reunited with the painting and Boris, having Boris brings back Theo's physical and emotional freedom.

so yeah, TL;DR Boris.

obviously life and relationships are complex and there is variation in any dynamic but it seems that would be their standard, mimicking their first cuddled childhood moments in a more adult manner (shh, potter). it's a reflection of their dynamic. Theo is open to giving himself physically to Boris (in many small ways) and Boris is upheld and strengthened (and made better physically and emotionally) by that trust. He craves it so much he longs for it for ten years. And that support makes Theo better in return. A positive cycle.

i have such a hard time even imagining Theo topping Kistey like, that poor guy. It must have been soooo dead for him. Kitsey on the other hand would've worn a strap on just so they could have even a little fun until their eventual breakup but Theo's third-eye isn't opened far enough.

#ask #anon #the goldfinch #boreo

[cainfm]

『BILL SKARSGARD ❙ NONBINARY』 ⟿ looks like CAIN ROMANOV is here for THEIR SENIOR year as a LITERATURE student. THEY are 25 years old & known to be RIGHTEOUS, TRUE, EVASIVE & GUARDED. They’re living in MORIS, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ JAMES. 21. EST. SHE/THEY.

hdsjnf hello all ... it is james again ... here with another ... replacing noelle with cain bt it’s fine im fine. i’ve hit muse limit u wn’t hear frm me again ... so hit tht like button .. this isnt the best intro ive done bt mostly bc im just kinda like ... taking an old one n rewriting it as i go

TW CULTS, HEROIN USE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE, ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL / EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, PTSD, ANXIETY, TRAUMA.

aesthetics.

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one’s own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

basic info.

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): n/a

b.o.d. - feb 19th, pisces :) happy birthday!

label(s): the connard (previously), the escapist, the facade, the fallen, the lothario (previously), the pariah, the phoenix, the puppeteer (previously), the sybarite, etc.

height: 6′4″ ... bruv.

hometown: stratford, connecticut

sexuality: bisexual uwu?

pinterest

stats

inspired by: i feel like i did ... have an inspiration for him but i don’t ... remember ... so ur not getting this one ... i might edit this later if smth pops into my head but. alas.

biography.

born to connecticut senator vaughn romanov and well known philanthropist adelaide romanov, they were born into a life of privilege in a very prominent new england family. they’re the eldest of five in a very nuclear, picture perfect, preppy chic family.

was brought up to be a class a, outstanding, perfect citizen. golden child to the all american family (willfully ignoring the fact that his father came from russian immigrants). cain listened, obeyed, never strayed outside the lines.

it was always intended for cain to take on after their father, to follow in his footsteps and become a politician too. there were several expectations for them, including joining model un, debate, deca, splitting time between soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse, becoming class president, and all while maintaining a valedictorian - worthy gpa.

even volunteered on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks, proving to everybody in their community just how much of a gem they were, darling, perfect member of society.

always eager as a child, eager for approval, eager to impress and wow and dazzle authorities and adults alike - cain never really had a problem with any of it? always attended church on sundays and sometimes even wednesdays. participated in family dinners and christmas photoshoots and new years eve parties, easter egg hunts and family reunions.

born and raised in stratford, super close to lovell to the point where it’d always been expected that the romanov children would simply just go to radcliffe, as did their parents. their home in stratford is a big, fancy, seven bedroom eight bath house with two fireplaces and an expansive dining room. no pool, but a sturdy treehouse made by scratch.

however. their model citizen persona was just that, a persona - a charade. in the community and to his family, cain was a hardworking citizen who upheld standards, a leader. to classmates and peers, from elementary to college - cain was the devil themself.

arrogant, harrowing, an outright bully who tore down others when they felt like it, often unprovoked. they were the senator’s son, and a rich one at that - rules never applying because they simply never existed for them, the upmost privilege because of who their family happened to be and their place in society. tattlers of their behavior faced far more consequence than cain ever did, or would.

the sort of person who’d genuinely look down at someone if they had less than them - a narcissistic dickhead who cared about two or three people, tops, outside of their family. was never physically violent, nor did they raise their voice, but that’s what made them all the worse. made them all the scarier. spewed classist bullshit with ease and was addicted to the power high it gave them.

their only redeeming quality was their protectiveness over their family - never the best person, but family is family, and they thought it ought’d to be protected.

went into political science and business to please their father, mainly, every step they made - every path cain went down, every choice from the electives they took in high school to the brand of shoes they wore, was to build them into the ideal presidential candidate.

probably joined a frat though cain never participated in parties too often, known for keeping their composure even when others resorted to violence, or got too drunk, or caused any public commotion, because they didn’t like to leave a bad image for the press. did their drugs in private but left nothing to the imagination, publicly.

but alas. during college, two very important series of events occurred.

seeking thrills, searching for fun in all the wrong places - cain became a middle-man between dealers and producers. never dealt it, and never produced it, but simply transported it between one another; the less everybody knew about each other the better. it was always a very hushed operation. one that they could’ve profited much off of, though money was never the motive for them.

and then he met earl and may meyers, fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive; an older couple immediately drawn to cain, reasonable considering just who their father was, and cain to them. they can’t tell you what about the couple was so appealing - the air around them was something else entirely; some called it unhinged, others would call it comforting. but they were kind folks, down to earth - very religious, and very warmhearted. liked his name, a lot - like in the bible, they’d say, and laugh, and pat his arm. they would say, on occasion, that they reminded them of their late son.

it’d happened towards the end of their junior year, a few years after they’d gotten involved in the drug business - and the meyers were volunteering more and more, always at the same places as cain. the same times, too, as if they were learning his schedule. in retrospect - it was odd, but cain’d never suspected a thing. they kept talking, and it became a genuine friendship - a secured vote in the next election.

it only took a few months into this that they’d begun to talk about religion more. the sin of wealth, and god choosing only a select few when he cleanses the earth. only the worthiest souls. they’d eventually get into the rhythm of telling cain they were special - that they could see they’d be selected, see it in their aura, in their dreams, god sending them messages, etc. most would find it to be absolutely ... bonkers.

but it was oddly appealing to cain - like, maybe i am being constrained by capitalism. maybe i am disappointing god - aren’t i a devoted follower? it felt nearly ridiculous, but it seeped into their mind. psychological manipulation, lasting over months and cain unsuspecting. as if they could ever be the one manipulated. but the meyers could ask cain to jump, and they’d simply say - how high?

soon enough, earl and may told them that they were moving. that there’d been so many more like them and that it was time to join them, time to prepare - to get ready for the rapture. cain held off at first, finishing up their first term of their senior year and their life planned right before their eyes. everything they’d ever worked for. their loyal companions and close-knit family, their side-business that’d only gotten stronger - a long-term girlfriend and the engagement ring that burnt in their pocket, made their heart beat twice as fast at the very thought. still the same as before, cruel without a cause, but still surrounded by those who loved them - who could find something in them to love.

but a month into their senior year, cain had a sudden change of heart. they were ready, now, if not now then never later. all because of a third event. a surprise. a shock. a betrayal.

they had discovered that they were not their father’s child - not at all, not even by an inch. they were someone else’s, completely. their mother had broken down and cracked, after a particularly straining christmas party. the discussion was long, and the heartbreak only grew. the anger only grew. the hurt - it grew. more and more, with each pitiful sob their mother gave them. it was a mistake - a one night stand in a fit of petty anger in the very early stages of their marriage. and only cain knew - like they had to carry this weight, now, that they never asked to have.

it was the kind of information that broke a person. cain idolized their parents, done everything they’d ever asked - ever expected, and beyond, let them mold them like putty into whatever form they wanted. only to find out that in the end, it didn’t matter. it never mattered, if cain wasn’t the blood child of vaughn. if their mother - a woman who hadn’t a bad bone in her body, was nothing but a cheat and a liar.

cain unraveled.

they spent the first week getting into an altercation with near anybody who looked at them wrong. physical, usually - though arguments arose frequently as well. with no explanation, only thrown fists - often drunk, or high, or sober too - it never mattered. they spent a night in county jail, it’d gotten so bad. it seemed to have no end.

right until new years, just after midnight, when cain had disappeared without a word. it was treated like a missing persons case, though there was no evidence of foul play or kidnapping, and not much could be done about it.

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

the only people who knew of cain’s whereabouts were the meyers - because they had left together. a last minute decision that, if they had only waited a simple minute longer, would’ve never happened. a mistake they desperately wished they could take back. a mistake that led to another event - maybe the most important one of them all.

they’d gone only hours away from stratford, and lovell, the border between new york and connecticut and not as far as cain had initially thought, but deep, deep into the woods. that was where the cult’d been. they wore white linens and cotton, but never mixed. technology banned, prayers and daily chores. it was natural, at first. for the first three months, that was.

it could’ve been grand. it was peaceful, and mind-clearing, and they treated cain as if their birth was a sign from the angels. cain come to undo his past. a potential leader. but the longer they stayed, the more apparent it became that they weren’t all that the cult had wanted, so desperately, to believe. once they began to slip up, once members became displeased - that’s when the punishments began to occur.

sometimes once a week, but sometimes - and, later, much more so, multiple. the memories are suppressed, for the most part - but there are some things they simply can’t - the hands, they can’t forget. pulling, and tugging, and gripping - begging, asking him to repent, please, repent. their head held underwater, counting seconds until their vision’d eventually darken and go out, only to be pulled out gasping and sobbing. these memories stay - these memories repeat themselves, like a record stuck on repeat, days blurring into one another.

when they tried to fight back - they were subdued. heroin was the first step. little by little, everyday - enough to leave them in a high they wouldn’t remember; enough to burn a hole in their memory. and with these dimming memories, cain’d begin to sneak paper and pencil into their living arrangement, their room, writing everyday. wrote as much as they could remember from home - about their family, their life before it all - the people they loved. they couldn’t remember what they’d written, some days.

and when those notes were found, bound by thread taken from their own clothing to form a shabby book - that’d been the final straw. dragged, kicking and screaming - mind-numbingly high, into place. the twisted reenactment, retelling of cain’s demise. how exactly he’d gotten his scar. it would’ve been near perfect, if they had only stayed still and let them brand the mark into his forehead. but instead - they settled, eventually, for the chest. then - the left cain to die in the middle of the woods. in the middle of nowhere. no trails or campsites to follow, nothing at all. nothing but trees. nothing but his notes and the clothes on their back. they hadn’t even known what day it was - almost forgotten the year, too.

cain should’ve died there, but cain got up. and they ran. and ran. and ran. until they hit something, eventually. a road. it’d been pure luck that they’d found a car near immediately afterwards, whose driver wasn’t doubling as a murderer, who took them to the hospital - and who gave cain that chance to live. they were found on new years, a full cycle - a full year in the cult that’d changed their life.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY / ADDICTION BEYOND THIS POINT.

after being reunited with their family in the hospital - everything went by very fast. they couldn’t recognize their youngest sibling, but they also couldn’t remember why they’d left in the first place. couldn’t remember the name of their girlfriend, but the color of her hair and the way she smelled. they couldn’t give answers to their actions.

and after being put into therapy and recovery for their addiction - that’s when they find out that their father’s a presidential candidate, that they had been - that they used cain’s disappearance as a story for the press, one to garner votes. their return is national news, and their public opinion skyrockets. it’s supposed to be glorious, and a miracle, a blessing - but cain feels restrained. confined to the role they’d always been expected to play - expected to get up and continue with their life, as if nothing had happened. 

but nothing didn’t happen - everything happened, and cain’s different now, vastly so - no longer who they thought they were. they change their major to literature, abandon politics. they get some cats, start working at the library, and they put on some leather gloves - their method of staying away, of keeping a comfortable distance. they are different, now, and simply only wish to focus on their recovery.

personality.

they’re no longer who they once were. a year of trauma does things to a person - and with memory loss that weighs heavy on their mind, they are near completely different. they remember parts of their old personality, their old lifestyle - enough to know they want to be better. they’re convinced that it’s karma, what happened to them. for being who they were - acting the way they did. just ... a bunch of self-blame.

even with the massive ego, cain’s always been a quiet person. but now - now cain’s even quieter. kinder, if not a little sarcastic, like a relic from the past. they’re distant - but it’s one of fear, restrictive and tense - not one made out of their own comfort. 

smokes medical marijuana but rarely drinks ... as if that’d make a difference. in an effort to beat their heroin addiction, they’ve turned to prescriptions instead.

like i mentioned ... cain has four cats. it’s basically their entire personality. two of them were from before their disappearance, but two are new to their little (school-approved) family. there is: frank (big chungus when yelled. white and gray), brock (orange. fluffy. stoic. devours food), shoelace (black furred, missing an eye and half an ear), and crunchwrap supreme (crunch for short. calico with bent ears). yes, they have photos of their cats in their wallet.

cain’s memory is fucked - like, really fucked. they forget a lot of things. short term, long term. it’s a constant struggle. they managed to keep their notes from the cult, so those help - but not always. they forget dates and names and faces and events. sometimes they wake up and don’t know where they are. they don’t sleep often, anyways. with the trauma came night terrors, and in an attempt to avoid them they don’t ... sleep often. only a few hours a night if they can withstand it, because it’s frankly terrible.

they suffer from severe touch aversion. skin contact with anybody, of any sort, is enough to send cain into a full-blown panic attack. they were leather gloves more often than not in an attempt to combat this disadvantage, without hindering their dexterity too much. even with clothes, they’re not the biggest fan of physical contact. it won’t send him into a panic attack, but they visibly flinch away. they’re very clear from the get-go, if someone is too close to them, that they don’t like physical contact.

dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week. their therapist recommended that they keep writing their notes, after reviewing them himself, so cain does. they keep an entire journal where they write, and sketch a little, because it helps them cope and de-stress. it means a lot to them, actually.

also dealing with ptsd and attends therapy every week - therapist recommended he kept writing after looking at his notes - so he does, keeps an entire journal where they write and like … sketch a little, because it helps them cope. means more to them than it would seem. but, unfortunately, part of their coping involves getting far too involved in their own mini-investigation of the cult they’d been part of. when the cult was tracked back to where cain’d been brought, they were already gone - and cain wants to know where. wants to know how to find them. wants justice, vengeance. wants nobody else to get hurt from them.

pretty blunt ... won’t go out of their way to announce that hey, they were part of a cult, and that’s why they’re gone and that’s why that’s the way they are now - but they also won’t lie about it, if the topic comes up in conversation. they don’t like delusions, don’t like secrets, nor do they like unnecessary attention.

being at radcliffe makes cain anxious because - well, they’re surrounded by people they’ve been doing wrong by for years now and they can’t even remember which ones. who, what, when, why - distant memories, if they’re even there at all. is constantly trying to figure out how to redeem themselves. they’d leave, if it hadn’t been their parents’ assistance that they stay there. so that someone always has an eye on them. 

but like ...they screwed over a lot of people when they left. from plugs / customers to their ex-girlfriend, who they are, undeniably, still in love with (you can’t forget that feeling) - to their friends. like. everybody, pretty much KBJNSDFKSNLD

is often pretty high ... i’d say it’s just the medical weed but. alas :/ take a guess :/

hates cars & swimming & crowds. hates feeling trapped and will avoid it whenever possible. doesn’t want to be seen as unsociable, but it’s difficult. 

they ... have a tendency to run away when they’re overwhelmed. likes to climb trees because they’re tall enough to. there’s a tree outside of their window that they climb out to frequently, even though it’s like a ~safety hazard~ or whatever. just really likes to hide out. 

used to be in perkins when they last attended radcliffe, but they gave their spot to someone else and that was like - 100% fine w/ cain tbh. lives alone in moris now.

feels the need to redeem themself ... to like, everybody. like, they want to avoid conflict and be a better person, but it’s hard, and they don’t necessarily like confrontation either - and not everybody believes that cain’s changed. it wouldn’t be surprising if people were suspicious of cain, for whatever reason, because they don’t ... really have the best track record anymore.

developed a stutter as one of the results from their trauma. their voice is damaged from screaming and they’re self-conscious about it, but they’re working on it because there’s more important things to worry about. in general, cain looks ... gaunt, too thin, and generally sickly.

repeating senior year ... fr obvious reasons ... and probably won’t graduate anytime soon because they’ve changed their major so late.

can still hold a conversation & they’re not really afraid of socialization. it just takes a toll on them. they’re pretty lowkey, as a person. soft, sorta. quiet but they won’t be an asshole (on purpose). they like people! just. very low energy.

so like ... tldr ... not an asshole anymore ... dealing with a lot of trauma ... trying to be a good person ... yes ...

wanted connections.

locals... people they’ve grown up with their entire life. people they’ve wronged, people who idolized him, envied him, despised him, etc. 

enemies... would love for a bunch of these just. a hoard of people who fucking hate cain. because it fits the bill. they could’ve bullied them, or wronged them, whatever. anything works. let’s make it happen.

exes... that they’ve dumped... old hookups, ex-friends, people they got into an argument with or fought before they disappeared last year...

ex girlfriend... that connection wld b rly neat!! i have it up as a wc rn but we can take that down ... will be holding intense american idol - esque auditions. remember that cain ws a fckn classist pig and probably only dated people who were also rich with influential families. (unless u present a very good case to me ... then maybe ... perhaps ...)

family friends... family rivals... people he knows mostly thru their family.

redeemable... people they’re trying to redeem themself to... trying to prove their worth, and that they’re a better person now, etc. etc.

old clients... :) angry clients. that they left in the dust.

perkins... people he knew from perkins ... old pals or maybe enemies idk he was pretty insufferable ... people he used to go to fancy parties with sometimes ...

angery... people so so so so fucking pissed at cain, for whatever reason.

reconciliation... reconnecting... used to be friends and we can be friends again :) and i will be better this time! i’m a slut for slowburns, especially slowburn friendships ... enemies to friends ... now THAT is sexy.

victims... of bullying ... :/ of their bullying specifically.

sof...t... wholesome content ... nothing but soft, understanding friendships ... or developing friendships ... make them feel welcomed again... forgive them...

an..g.st... friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies. miscommunication. betrayal. whatever u want.

no hookups!!! ... please only previous encounters. nothing in the present. because it just wldn’t make sense.

unless... eyes emoji. H DSJLFJKS just kidding! i’d accept MAYBE some kind of sexual tension but like ... the sort that hurts, because it just Cannot Happen (i will not let it happen). or maybe a fun, casual sexting thing but like. nothing physical. pleasthe.

fuck politics!... mayhaps, they hate mr. romanov and his politics or smth. he’s probably corrupt in some way, so! go at it!

aggression... i feel like a lot of the conversations between cain n other ppl start out rly ... angry bc theyre Mad. at them.

ok it’s bed time please plot with me. 

#radintro #cult tw #heroin tw #drug abuse tw #addiction tw #trauma tw #ptsd tw #anxiety tw #manipulation tw #abuse tw #i think thts all ...

[seasaltmemories]

Janus

1. Who would sell their soul to the devil to save the other.

Dennis, probably the type to consider himself already damned so might as well do some good

2. Who would become a stalker, in the right (wrong) situation.

Also Dennis, after all his job was to keep an eye on her

3. Who would pine away in silence their entire lives without confessing their love.

Dennis just bc he might feel things more intensely doesn’t mean he won’t ALSO stew in his feelings as some form of self-flagellation

4. Who would leave their friends, family, and life to move overseas to be with the other one.

Ruri, I hc that postcanon she might even desire that kind of fresh start

5. Who would be the most worried the other might cheat on them.

hmm before the betrayal I could see Ruri questioning if his eccentricities have anything to do with another person, otherwise I think Dennis might suspect at times but not really care

6. Who would run into a burning building to save a stranger while the other calls 911.

they’re both more likely to call 911

7. Who would haunt the other after death and chase away other suitors.

Ruri, but maybe less out of jealousy and more an f you to Dennis

8. Who would stand up at the other’s wedding and say they object.

Neither both would let the other become a missed connection

9. Who would write long, beautiful poems for the other.

Dennis, it started out as an act but he got more into it

10. Who would love the other no matter how evil the other became.

Dennis, again he is the type to talk his own self-loathing into seeing him as worse than her no matter what

11. Who would be the most likely to become an addict (gambling/drugs/etc.).

Honestly both of them aren’t the type to talk things out and seek an outlet, but Dennis is more likely to abuse substances while Ruri falls into bad behaviors

12. Who would propose in a grand gesture of some kind.

Neither, aside from me seeing them unlikely to marry even if they stay together long-term, they’d want to keep things on the down low considering the bridges they have burned

13. Who would go berserk at harm or death befalling the other.

Neither, I feel like even at their best, their grief would be a very internal thing

14. Who would spend too much money on expensive gifts for the other.

Ruri, it is a sorta spite thing to try and get back more control of herself, so she will spend her money however she wants

15. Who would fight an impossible battle to give the other time to escape.

Dennis, again that self-destructive tendencies popping out

16. Who would be able to spend centuries in misery waiting for the other to be reborn.

Dennis

#seasalt talks #thanks for the ask!! #ya5 #sad clown #bird clown #janushipping #kinda one-sided but the main appeal of the ship for me #is a dennis willing to do anything to repent and a ruri #who still has to decide every day if she still hates him or not #timahina

[chasingshhadows]

a personal post

I wanted to talk about something personal. 

(cw: anxiety/panic attacks, mentions of csa & self harm)

A few weeks ago I had an anxiety attack. This is something normal for me. A tightness in my chest that I just feel like I can’t breathe around, that sits like a painful, heavy knot on my sternum. My breathing becomes more shallow, and I just sit on the edge of tears, and spend the entire episode fighting them back, occasionally releasing these aborted sobs as I try to suppress the urge; and still, sometimes I fail and the tears fall. And my thoughts just spiral, I can’t focus on anything other than what triggered it, which only makes it more intense. I usually stop eating/drinking, mostly because I can’t make myself like, get up and get food bc I get too hyperfocused on my anxiety.

Sometimes, this lasts a few hours. Sometimes, it lasts 2 or 3 days. This was a long one.

I finally calmed down a couple days later, started putting actual food back in my body, started being able to lose myself again in the things I love. Things went back to normal. 

Until less than two weeks later when it happened again. Just as long as the first.

(tl;dr I finally sought treatment for my anxiety after suffering through it for 15 years and ngl it feels p damn good)

I’ve been getting these attacks since I was a kid, I remember them as early as age 12. But back then, I didn’t call them panic or anxiety attacks. I thought of them as “breakdowns.” Minutes and hours spent hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. I was in and out of therapy in grade and high school after being caught self-harming, but this was something that just never got addressed bc I never brought it up - everyone breaks down sometimes, right?

In college, things were better and then far worse. I started self-harming again my sophomore year, and sought therapy. My therapist asked to see my scars in the first session and I didn’t go back.

Jump to a year and a half later. A survivor of csa and several other incidents of predatory sexual behavior by that point, I started spiraling hard, made only worse by catcalling on long walks home at night and a near miss with a sexual assault after a party. It got to the point where I started skipping class, or being late because I couldn’t take elevators if there were men on them. The breaking point was a night at the gay club with my best friends and I started having a panic attack bc I couldn’t see another woman, bc despite being surrounded by men I trusted wholly, I panicked. 

I went back to therapy (someone new), and started working through my mountain of issues, the ones I knew about (csa, androphobia, depression), and the ones I didn’t (anxiety, abn). The eating disorder, phobia, and depression took center stage as they were impacting/threatening my life in the most urgent ways, but I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder for the first time in my life. 

Therapy was one of the best things that ever happened to me, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a handle on my issues. That I was in control. That I was managing it.

Over the last 6 years since my diagnosis, I’ve become a major advocate for others to seek treatment for mental health issues, including medication. It’s just like wearing glasses, I tell people. Mental health treatment is just as vital as treatment for physical disorders. Sometimes I even get pushy because I know how hard it can be to take that step, to admit you need help. 

But I was managing my own issues, right? I didn’t need medication. I thought that because I almost never reached the point of hyperventilating anymore (once or twice a year, at most), that I was managing my anxiety. I was in control.

And it took two severe attacks within less than two weeks to make me realize just how ridiculously wrong I was. To realize how much I had just absolutely become my own blind spot. 

I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t in control. I wasn’t managing my anxiety attacks, I was just experiencing them. I was waiting them out. I was suffering through them.

And it’s not just the attacks either. My social anxiety left me alone and crying at my desk at my company holiday party because I just couldn’t make myself get up and go talk to my coworkers. My social anxiety won’t let me enter a new restaurant by myself because I’m too afraid of standing in the wrong spot, going to the wrong counter, looking stupid. My anxiety left me so afraid to talk to one of my old bosses that I lost my job. 

I’ve started living my life around this anxiety. I made space for it, I accommodated it, changed my routines, and adapted the way I approach new things (i.e. sometimes not at all) to avoid these feelings, and then felt like a failure when they crept in anyway.

And honestly, the biggest thing I’ve felt since deciding to seek help is anger. I’m so mad at myself for letting this go on so long, for spouting off to anyone that will hear to just get medicated because yes, it is bad enough and you deserve not to feel this way while ignoring all of that advice for myself. For suffering through and thinking that was an acceptable way to live. 

My appointment was this morning and it didn’t hit me until my doctor left the room just how terrified I’d been that she wouldn’t take me seriously. That she would say it was all in my head and I was fine. That she would think I was making it all up or just seeking drugs.

But she didn’t. She asked why I was there. She asked what these attacks feel like and what caused them. She asked about my history of therapy. Asked why my anxiety was put on the backburner and asked why I never medicated before. Asked about how my anxiety presents outside of the attacks. She listened. Took notes when I mentioned something of note (i.e. self harm, csa, depression). She was kind and gentle.

I got lucky, I know. I have heard many a horror story from friends and others who sought treatment and were treated like children or criminals. My experience with my first attempt to get help is not typical, and I know how lucky I am.

But now I have a plan. I have a new, very low level daily med to take to ease the binds I’ve let slip around my life. I have another, stronger med to take if I have an attack. I have a lifeline. I have a follow-up appointment. I have a referral to see a therapist. 

And when she left the room to write up the scripts, the relief just crashed in. I’ve taken the first step and the door wasn’t slammed in my face and while I’m still furious at myself for allowing this to go on, especially when that first step ended up being so painless and simple, I’m just honestly flooded with relief. 

I’m looking forward to what comes next, to what my life could look like without being so bogged down in fear, without worrying about something triggering an attack, without having to making room in my life for something that has no right to it. 

Get help y’all. You’re worth it.

#anxiety #anxiety disorder #panic disorder #anxiety attacks #chasing rambles #this actually did get a bit rambly but i just needed to get it all out

[illusionfm-blog]

*    𝖘𝖚𝖋𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌  ,  chapter  ii  :  the  second  part  ft  .  emerson  hemmingway  ,  ya  favorite  fake  ass  !  intelligent  n  powerful  ,  no  nonsense  ,  problem  child  but  aint  nobody  gotta  b  knowin  that  bc  she  won’t  make  it  known  .  she’s  playing  some  dangerous  games  but  that  big  head  of  hers  is  convinced  she’s  not  abt  to  get  caught  and  lowkey  ?  if  anyone  can  pull  it  off  ,  it’d  be  her  !  

⋆    ��    another     year     at     hollingsworth     ,  another     year     of     the  big     six rivalry     .     i     hear     that  EMERSON    HEMMINGWAY     is     ensuring  CHI    MU    OMEGA     gets     a     solid     pledge     class     and     stays     at     the     top     of     the     ranks     .  oh     ,     you’re     not     familiar     with  HER  ?  EM     is     the  TAYLOR    HILL     look     alike     from  CHICAGO    ,    ILLINOIS     .     a    part     of     PC  ‘16     ,  she  is     majoring     in  PRE-MEDICAL    BIOCHEMISTRY        and     has     plans     to  PURSUE    MEDICAL    SCHOOL    AND    HER    LIFELONG    AMBITION    OF    BECOMING    A    SURGEON     after     undergrad     .     it     makes     sense     they     pledged     their     house     ,     their  FERVID     &  ERUDITE     attributes     make     them     perfect     matches     .     however     ,     their  MENDACIOUS     &  UNRELENTING     attributes     keep     their     name     alive     on  greek     rank     .     if     you     don’t     catch     them     dancing     to  RHIANNON    -    FLEETWOOD    MAC     at     a     fraternity     band     party     this     year     ,     you’ll     be     sure     to     catch     them     nursing     their     morning     hangover     at  THE    CHI    O    HOUSE    .  cheers     to     another     wild     semester    !

tw  :  mentions  of  drug  use  ,  mental  illness

⋆  ╰    𝑺  𝑻  𝑨  𝑻  𝑰  𝑺  𝑻  𝑰  𝑪  𝑺   .

𝒇𝒖𝒍𝒍    𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 :     emerson  elaine  hemmingway  (  formerly  katsopoulous  ) 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬     :    em  ,  emmy  ,  ems 𝒃𝒊𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒅𝒂𝒕𝒆    /    𝒂𝒈𝒆 :    august  12    ,    twenty  -  one 𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄     :    leo 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓    𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚    /    𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔     :     cisfemale    identifying    with    she  /  her    /    hers  pronouns 𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏     :     openly    bisexual    and    biromantic  ,  no  preference 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏    :    pre-medical  biochemistry  major    at    hu  ,  forward  for  the  hu  women’s  ice  hockey  team  ,  academic  success  center  advisor  &  personal  tutor  ,  personal  trainer  ,  aspiring  surgeon 𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔    𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆    :    slytherin 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏    𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒅    𝒃𝒚     :     fiona  &  lip  gallagher    from  shameless  ,  debbie  ocean  from  oceans  8  ,  spencer  hastings  from  pll  ,  princess  bubblegum  &  marceline  from  adventure  time  ,  natasha  romanoff    &  carol  danvers  from  the  mcu  ,    meredith  grey  &  alex  karev  from  grey’s  anatomy 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔    :         -    distant  ,  mendacious  ,  unrelenting  ,  severe  ,  obsessive  ,  easily  goaded  ,  defensive  ,  pessimistic  .

+        fevrent  ,  erudite  ,  observant  ,  level-headed  ,  astute  ,  perceptive  ,  polished  ,  ambitious  ,  capable  .

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑻  𝑬  𝑪  𝑬  𝑫  𝑬  𝑵  𝑻 .

more  bullet  points  ,  for  the  𝖜𝖎𝖓

emerson  elaine  katsopoulous  comes  into  the  world  on  an  uncharacteristically  warm  chicago  night  ,  testing  positive  for  opioids  ,  a  father  who’s  already  forgotten  her  mother’s  name  as  he  rots  in  a  prison  cell  ,  and  no  reason  for  anyone  to  believe  she’d  ever  amount  to  anything  .

custody  is  awarded  to  her  grandpa  ,  christos  ,  and  pretty  much  the  only  family  she’s  ever  known  becomes  the  ratty  neighborhood  she  grows  up  spending  her  evenings  in  .  christos  surviving  on  disability  and  doing  odd  construction  jobs  here  and  there  under  the  table  for  some  spare  spending  money  ,  emerson  spends  most  of  her  days  under  the  supervision  of  the  dysfunctional  families  in  her  neighborhood  ,  all  fucked  up  in  their  own  ways  but  doing  their  absolute  best  .  she’s  reading  the  label  of  the  cigarette  boxes  she  plays  with  as  toy  cars  by  the  age  of  3  ,  chatty  and  curious  ,  always  inquiring  why  the  man  in  the  street  is  laying  there  with  a  spoon  in  his  hand  or  why  the  ladies  on  the  corner  at  night  are  “  dressed  like  its  warm  when  it’s  really  really  cold  outside  ”

christos  enforces  a  strict  no-visitation  policy  for  emerson’s  mom  and  ensures  the  whole  neighborhood  keeps  it  up  ,  although  there’s  very  little  he  can  do  when  the  vagabond  woman  seeks  emerson  out  on  the  playground  at  school  with  playground  attendants  who  clearly  don’t  care  enough  about  their  jobs  to  pay  attention  

one  of  emerson’s  earliest  formative  memories  is  her  mother  “  picking  her  up  ”  from  school  and  telling  her  they  were  off  to  go  on  an  adventure  ,  causing  an  amber  alert  to  be  put  out  for  the  then  seven-year  old  emmy  .  watching  her  mother  abandoning  her  on  the  sidewalk  to  bolt  away  at  the  sound  of  the  sirens  approaching  is  something  emerson  recognizes  as  the  beginning  of  her  trust  issues

the  older  she  gets  ,  the  more  she  acts  out  ,  landing  her  eventually  in  a  behavioral  school  in  downtown  chicago  where  she  spends  her  days  learning  just  about  nothing  in  class  and  acts  out  even  more  severely  .  christos  is  at  his  wit’s  end  with  the  visitations  from  police  and  her  behavioral  officer  ,  even  a  brief  stint  in  juvie  not  being  enough  to  curb  the  girl’s  enthusiasm  for  trouble  .  

aggression  towards  authority  figures  was  a  major  complaint  ,  but  the  most  severe  issue  became  emerson’s  quick  tongue  and  sharp  observation  .  after  having  learned  a  few  tricks  of  the  trade  from  other  students  at  the  behavioral  school  ,  she  finds  herself  increasingly  talented  at  conning  the  absolute  living  shit  out  of  other  people  .  at  first  it’s  small  things  ,  trading  academic  favors  for  weed  and  somehow  selling  that  for  twice  its  worth  to  the  gullible  students  ,  finding  ways  to  forge  signatures  on  things  she  needs  signed  by  a  guardian  ,  to  the  more  elaborate  and  high  scale  ,  such  as  taking  the  SATs  for  private  school  students  in  the  next  county  over  and  making  BANK  ,  conning  boys  into  trading  off  their  rolexes  which  she  later  pawns  .  

christos  puts  her  in  ice  hockey  at  the  recommendation  of  her  juvenile  probation  officer  at  the  age  of  13  ,  which  proves  to  be  one  of  her  saving  graces  .  her  coach  becomes  a  notable  figure  in  her  life  ,  smacking  the  sense  into  the  chaotic  child’s  mind  that  she  can  accomplish  so  much  more  than  she  gives  herself  credit  for  .  her  behavior  interventionist  recommends  an  adhd  screening  for  which  she  finally  gets  a  diagnosis  ,  and  a  prescription  for  adderall  ,  which  marks  the  beginning  of  her  transformation  .

just  before  entering  high  school  ,  christos  and  emerson  are  contacted  by  a  woman  who  identifies  herself  as  her  long  lost  aunt  .  as  it  turns  out  ,  her  hockey  coach  had  done  some  digging  and  found  that  her  father  ,  a  man  em  had  never  once  spoken  to  ,  had  an  estranged  family  located  in  ohio  ,  moguls  of  a  local  architecture  chain  with  political  ties  and  very  well  off  .  wanting  to  branch  out  into  more  metropolitan  areas  ,  they  mention  their  interest  in  moving  to  chicago  ,  and  concoct  a  plan  that  changes  emerson’s  life  

thanks  to  some  insider  ties  ,  her  politician  aunt  daphne  has  completely  erased  her  felon  brother  from  any  connection  to  her  ,  and  has  forged  a  life  for  herself  with  her  architect  husband  .  feeling  a  duty  to  her  estranged  niece  (  and  preferring  to  get  ahead  of  any  potential   surprises  that  could  come  from  having  secret  family  derailing  her  political  career  )  daphne  and  christos  come  to  the  agreement  that  emerson  can  be  “  adopted  ”  by  her  aunt  ,  living  as  her  daughter  and  trading  the  slums  she  grew  up  in  for  a  life  of  luxury  and  illusion  .  emerson  learns  to  tell  the  lie  with  ease  ,  “  i  lived  with  my  grandpa  instead  of  my  mom  and  dad  due  to  some  health  complications  that  were  best  treated  at  the  university  of  chicago  medical  center  ,  but  they  spent  as  much  time  as  possible  here  ”

in  order  for  the  lie  to  work  ,  and  possibly  one  of  the  most  difficult  moments  of  emerson’s  life  ,  daphne  regretfully  has  her  cut  off  contact  with  everyone  from  her  “  old  life  .  ”  letting  go  of  a  felon  father  and  schizophrenic  drug  addicted  mother  was  easy  due  to  never  having  attached  herself  in  the  first  place  ,  but  abandoning  the  families  that  raised  her  and  the  hockey  coach  who  changed  her  life  was  among  the  most  painful  thing  she’s  ever  done

she  changes  her  last  name  ,  moves  to  the  upper  class  suburb  of  chicacgo’s  finest  ,  her  con  artist  tendency  making  her  transition  seamless  and  the  illusion  of  fitting  in  so  much  more  than  an  illusion  .  learning  from  those  around  her  ,  emerson  learns  the  exact  things  to  say  ,  the  precise  ways  to  move  ,  and  with  a  newly  funded  bank  account  thanks  to  her  “  parents  ,  ”  she  pulls  off  the  act  with  ease  .  she  moves  up  into  a  premier  hockey  league  ,  achieves  grades  that  catch  the  attention  of  countless  schools  ,  and  transforms  into  a  driven  and  determined  steam  train  ,  with  a  one  way  ticket  into  a  legacy  she’s  built  from  the  ground  up

hollingsworth  u  became  her  most  appealing  option  after  touring  the  premises  and  finding  the  competitiveness  of  an  ivy  league  without  the  social  ineptitude  — equal  parts  ritzy  glam  and  fierce  ambition  ,  hu  seemed  to  embody  everything  emerson  was  seeking  without  the  pretentiousness  of  the  other  schools  groveling  at  her  feet  to  have  her

her  first  few  years  are  a  breeze  ,  her  family  connections  meaning  she’s  set  up  in  countless  places  to  achieve  whatever  she  wants  .  she  gets  an  internship  at  the  medical  center  doing  research  by  her  sophomore  year  ,  is  a  starter  on  their  women’s  hockey  team  ,  and  is  enjoying  the  social  aspect  of  her  sorority  time

shit  TRULY  hits  the  fan  the  summer  before  her  senior  year  ,  when  daphne’s  campaign  for  mayor  of  chicago  is  rattled  by  an  investigation  that  exposes  her  senior  assistant  for  having  embezzled  from  the  city  .  though  daphne  herself  is  innocent  ,  the  political  climate  pushes  for  a  closer  eye  on  the  hemmingways  and  their  dealings  .  a  crisis  manager  (  literally  olivia  pope  lmao  )  does  her  own  research  and  before  emerson  knows  it  ,  she’s  suddenly  thrust  into  her  senior  year  with  absolutely  no  financial  support  from  her  family  .  as  it  turns  out  ,  due  to  the  corners  cut  by  not  formally  nor  legally  adopting  emerson  (  as  it  would  have  left  a  paper  trail  )  ,  the  financial  aid  daphne  provided  would  route  in  a  way  that  would  not  line  up  with  the  birth  certificate  that  showed  emerson’s  birth  parents  as  people  other  than  her  fake  parents  .  not  wanting  to  risk  a  scandal  that  would  make  national  headlines  without  doubt  ,  daphne  and  emerson  devise  an  alternative  where  em  uses  her  academic  and  athletic  prowess  to  earn  scholarships  to  cover  her  schooling  ,  which  can’t  be  traced  and  leave  no  red  flags  for  anyone  trying  to  dig  up  dirt  .  

emerson  knows  she  can’t  let  anyone  think  she’s  struggling  ,  both  for  her  own  ego  and  for  the  sake  of  her  aunt’s  campaign  ,  which  is  why  she’s  pushing  herself  to  the  edge  to  keep  up  both  her  academics  and  her  athletics  to  maintain  these  scholarships  .  while  these  cover  the  basic  costs  ,  keeping  up  the  lifestyle  she’s  had  requires  a  bit  more  effort  ,  which  is  where  it  seems  this  tiger  won’t  change  her  stripes  no  matter  how  well  she  had  hidden  them  for  so  long  .  what  started  as  simple  tutoring  turned  into  a  teleportation  back  to  her  behavioral  school  in  chicago  but  on  a  wider  scale  —  she  sells  her  adderall  prescription  to  make  quick  cash  and  offers  her  services  for  fake  test  taking  or  last-minute  essay  writing  .  it’s  high  risk  ,  but  also  high  reward  ,  and  emerson  has  always  thrived  in  high  pressure  situations

⋆  ╰      𝑨  𝑵  𝑨  𝑳  𝒀  𝑺  𝑰  𝑺  .

personality  wise  ,  em  is  known  for  being  the  cool  calm  and  collected  type  ,  who’s  a  bit  of  a  mystery  to  most  .  she’s  an  illusion  and  lives  the  lie  she’s  been  telling  as  if  its  her  second  skin  ,  sometimes  losing  what  she  believes  in  at  her  core  .

she’s  deeply  ambitious  and  wants  to  be  a  surgeon  ,  her  dream  since  she  was  a  child  as  medicine  was  the  most  stimulating  thing  possible  to  her  .  she  did  so  much  research  on  her  “  fake  illness ”   to  sell  her  story  that  she  ended  up  falling  in  love  with  it  ,  and  has  been  set  on  medicine  ever  since

this  aggressive  ambition  can  also  show  as  fixation  or  obsession  ,  and  emerson  has  a  severe  problem  with  not  knowing  where  to  let  go  .  while  she  seems  cool  and  detatched  ,  she’s  obsessed  with  never  feeling  like  she  could  have  done  more  and  will  always  be  the  girl  who  can  be  goaded  into  taking  things  too  far  ,  often  putting  her  in  dangerous  situations  that  she  has  to  figure  her  own  way  out  of

she  tends  to  take  everything  kinda  seriously  and  despite  being  p  relaxed  ,  her  perfectionist  type  a  side  makes  itself  very  apparent  in  the  day-to-day  of  her  life  .  she  knows  how  to  play  hard  and  enjoys  herself  a  good  party  ,  but  even  in  the  way  she  plays  beer  pong  she  hates  to  fail

has  a  sexy  deep  voice  n  an  even  SEXIER  deadpan  sarcastic  wit  .  ..  .  def  the  friend  to  call  out  bs  without  batting  an  eye  ,  usually  wearing  an  oversized  hoodie  n  gucci  slides  ,  em  is  the  literal  intersection  of  boujie  and  casual   PHEW

having  such  an  unstable  upbringing  and  so  many  shitty  experiences  at  such  a  young  age  have  hardened  her  and  made  her  deeply  unwilling  to  trust  others  .  she  tends  to  keep  the  world  at  a  distance  ,  and  even  her  closest  friends  always  admit  it  feels  like  they’re  still  an  arms  length  from  her  deepest  layer  .  emerson  is  pretty  sure  the  only  person  to  ever  see  her  cry  is  her  grandpa  ,  and  intends  to  likely  keep  it  that  way

instead  of  freaking  out  ,  em  shuts  down  !  v  unemotional  !  she  just  detatches  and  tries  to  be  calculated  which  tends  to  make  people  think  she’s  some  shitty  robot  who  doesnt  give  a  fuck  about  anyone  but  herself  bc  of  her  “  rich  girl  upbringing ”  which  is  true  to  an  extent  ,  but  nobody  will  ever  know  the  true  backstory  that  explains  her  emotional  detachment  and  secrecy

in  a  way  ,  even  though  she  has  the  world  convinced  she’s  this  composed  individual  ,  she  still  always  thinks  of  herself  as  a  chaotic  problem  child  which  only  fuels  her  determination  even  more  ,  often  to  the  extent  that  she  fucking  burns  herself  out  .  she’s  incredibly  cynical  and  has  a  p  negative  self  perception  because  she’s  just  that  fucking  hard  on  herself

has  never  really  been  in  love  !  she’s  never  let  anyone  close  enough  to  her  that  she  risks  getting  attached  enough  to  get  hurt  ,  which  means  relationships  are  usually  rather  shallow  and  end  when  she  gets  bored  or  when  they  get  tired  of  waiting  for  her  to  open  up

stressed  as  SHIT  trying  to  keep  up  her  illusion  for  her  own  ego’s  sake  and  that  of  her  family  !  she’s  ashamed  of  her  upbringing  and  her  aunt  has  always  been  pretty  good  to  her  ,  and  em  recognizes  that  if  daphne  wouldn’t  have  appeared  ,  emerson  would  probably  have  ended  up  like  either  one  of  her  parents  .  people  have  noticed  that  emerson  seems  a  lil  more  anal  than  usual  ,  but  the  con  in  her  makes  it  easy  to  convince  everyone  she’s  just  stressed  with  the  prospect  of  graduation  and  medical  school  

#rank:intro #i' m . .. . so orsry for how long this got . .. #SKKKSDSKDJ

[aquariusgod]

i know this is an astrology blog but HOW CAN I GET RID OF DEPRESSION

I’m not a therapist & I definitely suggest going to see one if it is something available to you. A lot of places have at least one mental health facility per county that will accept you even if you do not have insurance.But, knowing that people under 18 follow my blog, I’ll answer with little tips & tricks that help me alleviate my depressive symptoms.

• Balancing time with others & yourself. This is super important, as you don’t want to isolate yourself, but you also don’t want to avoid your problems all together. If your depression happens to stem from a situation, ignoring the issue will prolong your depression, which means you’ll need time to assess it alone or with the help of others (preferably an adult 21+ or that is very experienced & kind). If your depression stems from a chemical imbalance, spending too much time with others may cause a “crash” when you’re alone, making it feel like the symptoms are worse than before. This is hard to master, so try as hard as you can. • Your Sleep Schedule, fix it. Personally, when I’m depressed I’ll sleep for what feels like days at a time. Up at 1pm, asleep at 3am. Sometimes up at 4pm & asleep at midnight. It’s a real mess! Remember, if you aren’t sleeping right, you can’t eat right! It’s hard to totally just fix your schedule on a whim, so try & set up little coffee dates with friends earlier in the morning to force yourself awake. • To Cancel or Not To Cancel. 90% of the time, don’t cancel your plans in favor of depression. Unless your day is particularly bad, try & go out anyways. Even if you message them telling them you’ll be a little late, or may want to leave a little early. Keeping up with plans will grant you structure, even when your sleep schedule won’t co-operate.• Breakfast, Lunch & Dinner. Don’t forget to eat! Ever! Growing up, my diet fucked me over HARD. I was always out of energy, constantly depressed, and lived off of snacks & caffeine. It worked, technically, but not for the better. Even if you can’t have a full meal, try & just grab something. Maybe an egg for breakfast, a quick sandwich for lunch & some McDonalds for dinner. Work up the ladder. Make sure you have some protein. (So if you need something quicker than an egg, peanut butter toast is fine). If you’re eating light meals, bring snacks wherever you go. Again, healthier the better. Oranges, imo, are the best. Apples & Banana’s bruise & get disgusting too quickly. Oranges will last you for as long as you need them & taste fucking delicious. (If you’re not into fruit, again, peanut butter crackers for protein, cheese sticks, those “healthy” chips, ect).

Yeah, that’s all pretty basic. You’re gonna hear that shit a LOT. For probably ever? Here are some of the things that may be more specific.

• Everyone has somewhere that makes them feel calm, productive, and naturally feels alleviating. For me, it’s the shower/bathroom, with the water running. I feel like a total dick, but also, I feel something. So, when I’m depressed, I tend to take 7-10 showers a week. Sometimes even more! (My skin doesn’t like me very much, though). • Some people for more comfortable talking about what depressed them than others. That’s okay! If you’re able to talk about it with friends, do! If you aren’t, you don’t have to keep a journal or anything. Just try & talk to yourself & remind yourself that the depression isn’t permanent, you’ll find a way out.• Energy Renewal. Honestly, I spend one day a week away from everyone. Everyone. I text people (who I text everyday) and make plans for the following day. Otherwise, radio silence. I do stuff on social media, study if I can, and sleep. It’s not the healthiest, but usually if I’m extra depressed due to lack of a social battery, I feel a little better the next day.• “Self Care.” Yeah, you hear it a lot. This doesn’t have to be washing your face & using a face mask. This doesn’t need to be a bubble bath. Sometimes, it’s just curling up on your couch with your favorite blanket & remote in hand. Try & DO something relaxing, & don’t fall asleep. Reading a book is the best, but not something I’ve managed to make myself do in a long time.• Try & find something that seems to be a root of situational depression (whether it’s the general situation or if it’s a stressor thats made your depression worse). Try & work on it. Find out what it is, why it’s there, and what to do to “fix” it. Can’t fix it? Address it. Apologize, if you did something wrong. Address your fears. Hold a candle to the madness & tell it to fuck off to the plane it came from.• Avoid self-sabotaging behavior. Avoid impulsive behavior. That means no suddenly downloading tinder & fucking the first match you get. That means using a condom even though you don’t care if he nuts in you. That means no going online & buying 7 outfits you won’t wear because you’re having a hard time getting out of your pjs rn. It won’t be motivation. That means no drugs, unless prescribed. Try to keep from arguing with others (esp those you care about). Keep messaging your significant other. Don’t seek affection elsewhere if you’re in a relationship. The easiest way to put this is to be mindful of how you Fuck, Spend, Interact, Intake & Love. It takes a lot of practice, but try & identify if you want to do something because you like the idea & it sounds good, or you feel like it may feel good momentarily.• Look at the drugs you’re on, if any. If there is something prescribed to you, talk to your doctor about it & depression, and whether or not there are any medications that may not have that side affect for you. Changing medications can help significantly, especially if you’re taking birth control or something else for mental health / hormonal treatment. Seek out alternative medication with your doctor, in order to find something that both works for you & doesn’t harm your mental health.

Again, when it comes down to it, these MAY help. These are tips & tricks. The most important thing I can tell you — and I cannot stress this enough — is seek professional help. If it is not available to you physically, there are many online professionals through apps & sites. If you are scared of both of those, even seeking help of a trusted adult (teacher, family member, guidance consoler) is helpful. Someone who is a listening ear who can provide you proper guidance.Even then, only a therapist will be able to work with you in the necessary ways to completely do away (or help significantly) with your depression.

& I want to point out these things are NOT easy when you’re depressed. I’m currently going through a bout so hard I only eat maybe once a day, & that’s typically only when I’m starving. My sleep schedule is literally 4pm - 3am bc I don’t want to wake up. The only time I feel something is when I’m with friends & even then I tend to feel withdrawn. It is NOT easy. Do what you can. Go a little at a time. Do NOT beat yourself up if you don’t start tomorrow, but do try. The most important thing is, while it doesn’t necessary help your depression: stay away from things that can harm you. Don’t impulse spend, don’t fuck strangers, don’t do illegal drugs. These will only hurt later on, whether fiscally or otherwise.

#depression #mental health #not astro #i am NOT a therapist #this is what works for me