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bengiyo · 8 months

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The Knowing: Being Queer in BL

I’ve been talking about The Knowing a lot lately with @lurkingshan @waitmyturtles @ginnymoonbeam and @shortpplfedup and so I felt it was time to gather all those thoughts into one place.

I define The Knowing as “growing up and suffering with the knowledge that you are queer (specifically that you are not like other kids) and understanding that you must keep that knowledge to yourself.”

Part of what initially drew me to BL was how often many of these shows took place in what @absolutebl calls “The Bubble” where cultural and structural homophobia is less prevalent or nonexistent. Many of these stories are about guys learning something about themselves for the first time when it comes to being attracted to other men. However, I always find myself drawn to the characters that clearly Knew who they were a long time ago. What’s interesting about these characters is that many of them carry an intense sadness and loneliness that plagues them and their relationships.

I am in my mid-30s. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of language over the decades. When I first realized I was different from other kids I was eight years old. I was a lot like Chiron in Moonlight (2016) asking the question, “What’s a faggot?” I wish I’d had someone like Juan around to say, “A faggot is a word used to make gay people feel bad.” To which Chiron asked, “Am I a faggot?” and Juan quickly corrected. “Nah. You can be gay, but you ain’t gotta let nobody call you no faggot.” I know it’s hard for some of you to read slurs written out so plainly, but I grew up with them being part of the day-to-day language used by kids around me. If you instinctively recoiled at me typing the word four times, imagine experiencing that constantly for your entire adolescence while also fearing the consequences of being discovered by your peers. That’s what I survived. That’s what some of these boys survived.

Before I learned other words, I thought I was weird or broken. I knew I was drawn to boys before I even hit puberty, but I didn’t have language for existing on the ace-spectrum until I joined Tumblr in the early 2010s. Before that I just thought there was something wrong with me. When we see a character in BL who has clearly been gay for a long time, I find myself examining the environment around them to see if they suffered The Knowing.

The worst part of The Knowing is for the boys who can pass as straight if they try hard enough. I always talk about how I think femmes are stronger than those of us (like me) who can pass. They face the public scrutiny of being queer and the danger of that constantly. People like me often go unnoticed unless we’re amongst our peers or explicitly tell people who we are.

I’m writing this post as a love letter to the boys who suffered the Knowing. Sometimes these characters get a bad reputation in fandom for being boring or sad sacks, but they are the characters I love the most. I’d like to talk about some of my favorite boys who Knew. Unsurprisingly, the exact kind of melancholy Japan is willing to play with means they have strong presence on this list.

Korn (Until We Meet Again)

Korn is the character who began my discussion about this in a conversation with @wen-kexing-apologist about Kao’s acting. I pointed out that the saddest thing about Korn in Until We Meet Again is that he knew what he was going to do the entire time. The tragedy of UWMA is that Korn loved Intouch and let him in, and unfortunately learned that Intouch’s love couldn’t fix the horrors that plagued him. You can see it in Kao’s eyes for the entire show whenever we see the In and Korn flashbacks. He suffers under the weight of masculine expectation and crumbles.

The Entire Cast of What Did You Eat Yesterday?

WDYEY is all about characters who Knew. Kenji and Wataru may have been unable to pass and have chosen to accept who they are, but we know Wataru suffered for it because of his feelings about family. Shiro hid who he was for a very long time, and still hides it from most people. His trauma from The Knowing regularly threatens his relationship with Kenji. Kohinata also clearly knew who he was the entire time, and works diligently for the life he’s built for himself. So much of this show is about being gay in a world that does not value us.

Book, Christina, and Yok (Make It Right)

Book is actively victimized because of The Knowing. He left his previous school and doesn’t live with his family because he was outed by a past boyfriend, and is disowned after revenge porn of him is posted.

Both Chrstina and Yok are femme and cannot pass. Unlike many of the boys in this show figuring out who they are, they are trying to survive without losing themselves.

Li Ming (Moonlight Chicken)

Li Ming has a gay uncle and still suffers The Knowing. He is hiding his attraction from everyone until he develops feelings for Heart.

Itou Akira (Life: Love on the Line)

We experienced the entire arc of this man’s life and how much The Knowing crushed him. This is probably the most The Knowing character on the list.

Oumi Mitsuru (Eternal Yesterday)

Oumi has such a frank expression of The Knowing and how much it hurts that he likes Koichi but feels like he can’t express it.

Takahashi Satoru (Koisenu Futari)

The man literally blogs about The Knowing, and it’s how Sakuko began to understand herself. He has a questionnaire prepared to help you figure out how long you’ve Known.

Ren (Tokyo in April Is…)

I wrote multiple posts about Ren and his experience with The Knowing. So much of what goes wrong for them is because Ren couldn’t believe that Kazuma could like him, too, and he knowingly faced the consequences of being discovered to save Kazuma’s life.

Pete (Love by Chance)

Pete knows who he is and can’t change it. Trump uses this against him. Pete doesn’t want Ae to be gay like him and suffer with the realities of being a Known Gay. Pete has one of the first coming out scenes in BL that I really enjoyed.

Cairo (Gameboys)

Cairo was clearly struggling with Knowing, and his close friend took his coming out from him. Cairo is a brat, but goddamn do I appreciate some of his angst.

See-eiw (My Only 12%)

He watched The Love of Siam (2007) and had a complete emotional breakdown as he was finally able to name his feelings for Cake. Top-tier expression of The Knowing.

Shin (3 Will Be Free)

I mean, we don’t have to look much further than his entire sad existence and being pushed into sex with a prostitute in the first episode. Also there’s, “It wasn’t that you didn’t like boys. You just didn’t like me.” Shin is the only boy in BL-adjacent media to suffer a specific version of The Knowing: being rejected and discarded by your own people in a homophobic way so they could stay closeted.

Phupha (A Tale of Thousand Stars)

Phupha’s entire romantic angst is built around The Knowing and what others seeing him for who he is will do for him.

Pran (Bad Buddy)

Though Bad Buddy exists in The Bubble, Pran has one of the most painful versions of The Knowing I’ve ever experienced because his is wrapped up in family angst and an unrequited crush.

Lee Wan (Our Dating Sim)

Lee Wan suffered The Knowing and broke things with his best friend after confessing. The Knowing destroyed his ability to see a version of his life where he and Shin Kitae overcame the upcoming challenges together and so he takes that choice from Kitae. Crushing.

Ueda Minoru (Our Dining Table)

Minoru is so familiar with The Knowing that he preemptively breaks up with Yutaka after kissing him.

Kiyoi (My Beautiful Man)

The reveal that Kiyoi already knew who he was and noticed Hira the entire time? Beautiful. One of the best reveals in J-BL history.

Minato (Minato’s Laundromat)

This man is one of the sadder examples of The Knowing because he’s in a place where he understands who he is now, but the internalized homophobia cripples almost all of his romantic and closer relationships.

Han Baram (Sing My Crush)

This boy is suffering so much from The Knowing that his love confession song is literally titled “Letter of Apology.”

Oh-aew (I Told Sunset About You)

He Knew. “Are you proud of me?”

Noh Shinwoo and Shin Daon (Light On Me)

Noh Shinwoo clearly suffered The Knowing and was discovered. His bullies still plague him on the streets when they see him. Shin Daon was not surprised by his attraction to Woo Taekyung; he struggled with his parents expectations.

Nagisa (His: I Didn’t Mean to Fall in Love)

Nagisa definitely Knew who he was and was probably going to stay quiet about it until Shun showed up in his life. What upsets me so much about Nagisa is that he is the one who leaves Shun later in the movie after pulling queerness out of Shun.

The Secret Crush on You Quartet

All four of them get a spot on this list for The Knowing. Toh, Kaojao, and Daisy clearly suffered The Knowing, and Som has clearly taken care of them for a long time.

Rocky and Judah (Quaranthings)

I love that these two explore The Knowing from a class perspective. Judah is wealthier and eventually comes out, but Rocky is poor and struggles with it a lot longer.

Han Tae Joo and Kang Gook (Where Your Eyes Linger)

The Knowing, bodyguard edition. The yearning between the two of these is palpable. It hurts that they can’t even talk to each other about it.

Mafuyu (Given)

He Knew and lost his boyfriend to The Knowing.

Kim Dong Hee (Unintentional Love Story)

He won’t acknowledge Go Ho Tae’s feelings because he feels a sense of loyalty to Ho Tae’s mom for taking care of him after his parents disowned him over the gay thing. Huge case of The Knowing.

Edit: New Additions October 7, 2023.

Nekoyashiki Mamoru (Kabe-Koji Nekoyashiki-kun Desires to be Recognized)

He describes a textbook case of the Knowing and finding community at the convention.

Zo (Hidden Agenda)

He definitely Knew, and got messed over by his friends badly for it.

Yuuki (Me, My Husband, and My Husband's Boyfriend)

We almost lost Yuuki to the Knowing.

All of the Eclipse Gays

Literally all of them. The entire show is about how fascism turns queer people into agents working against their own community.

Joe (The Warp Effect)

He clearly Knew before his encounter with Army, and he also suffered for being outed.

#Ben writes #The Knowing #too many shows to tag #what did you eat yesterday?#until we meet again #bl series #thai bl #japanese bl #korean bl #filipino bl

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how-to-be-a-tree · 11 months

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"I'm a mosaic of everyone I've ever loved" - @viridianmasquerade

And

Little/ Black/ Chiron, Moonlight (2016)

Juan, Teresa and Kevin's impact on Chiron, visually struck me during the glimpses of his life in Atlanta,

Let it be his accessories

Let it be his use of words

Let it be his kindness

And I'm NOT OKAY at all!!

#moonlight 2016 #one beautiful movie #moonlight #kimuona

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bullet-prooflove · 4 months

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Valentine's Day Bingo Completed and Scheduled!

All fics have been written and booked in between 31st Jan - 29th Feb

Some of the character selections have changed because the pairings weren't working for me.

All fics are currently on early release over on Patreon if you want to read them before they hit Tumblr otherwise please see the schedule below:

31st Jan: Whiskey - Che 'Taza' Romero x Ben Harrison - Taza and Ben haven't talked about what happened on New Year's Eve. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Hates Valentine's Day)

1st Feb: Tinder - Terry Bruno x Reader - Terry discovers you’re single when he downloads Tinder (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Dating App)

2nd Feb: Polaroid - EZ Reyes x Reader (NSFW) - EZ finds the pictures you’ve left in his book (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Naughty Pictures)

3rd Feb: Coffee Shop AU: Blind Date - Neron 'Creeper’ Vargas x Reader - Neron is surprised to meet his blind date (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Blind Date)

4th Feb: Love Letter - Criminal!Joe (feat: Terry Bruno) - Terry gives you the letter Joe left for you. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Love Letter)

5th Feb: Moment - Filip 'Chibs’ Telford x Reader (NSFW) - Chibs savours the moments he has with you. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Secret Relationship)

6th Feb: Napa - Juan 'Juice’ Ortiz x Reader - Juice takes you on an overnight trip to Napa. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Wine Tasting)

7th Feb: High - Jubal Valentine x Reader - The evening takes a violent turn when you run into your ex Nestor Vertiz. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Seeing Your Ex)

8th Feb: Bold - Damien Powell x Reader - Damien hasn't kissed a woman in years. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Champagne Kisses)

9th Feb: Red - Bobby Goren x Reader - You tease Bobby in the Squad Room. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Red)

10th Feb: Makapipi Falls - Jesse Boone x Reader - Jesse tells you the truth about his feelings during a trip to Makapipi Falls. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Feelings)

11th Feb: Commitment - Tig Trager x Reader - You'll never be Tig's wife, but then again he'll never be your husband. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Expensive Jewellery)

12th Feb: Moonlight - Benny Miller x Reader - Benny's always found the water soothing. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Moonlit Stroll)

13th Feb: King (NSFW) - Angel Reyes x Reader - Angel's Reina needs her king. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Lace)

14th Feb: Mix Tape - Will Trent x Reader - Will finds an unexpected gift on his desk. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Homemade Gift)

15th Feb: Stillwater - Stuart Scola x Reader - Things take a sinister turn after a surprise gift arrives at the house. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Secret Admirer)

19th Feb: When in Rome - Scott Forrester x Reader - Scott waits up for you after a depressing case. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Hotel Stay)

20th Feb: Break (NSFW) - Beau 'Cyclone' Simpson x Reader - Beau inspires you to take a break. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Forgetting)

22nd Feb: Blossom (NSFW) - Michael 'Riz' Ariza x Reader - Riz and you invite a third into the bedroom. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Wild Night)

23rd Feb: Paint (NSFW) - OA Zidan x Reader - You help Omar to relax in a creative way. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Body Paint)

24th Feb: Fair - Vostanik Sabatino x Reader - You find Nik sitting on your doorstep. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Single on Valentine's Day)

25th Feb: Gifts - Nestor Oceteva x Reader - Nestor always works Valentine's Day. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Working on Valentine's Day)

27th Feb: No Questions Asked - Damien Powell x Reader - You give Damien a place to call home when he first arrives in Budapest. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Romantic Meal)

28th Feb: Kicking - Bishop Losa x Reader - Bishop feels his daughter kick for the first time during Coco's wedding reception. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Slow Dance)

29th Feb: Pink - Connor Rhodes x Reader - Connor thinks back to the day the two of you met. (Valentine’s Day Bingo: Wearing Pink)

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thecraftyacademic · 3 months

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♱𝔡𝔞𝔯𝔨 𝔣𝔞𝔫𝔱𝔞𝔰𝔶 𝔞𝔯𝔱 𝔯𝔢𝔣𝔢𝔯𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔢𝔰♱

I created a Pinterest board for dark (mostly medieval) fantasy references because I enjoy the genre so much. Upon putting it together, I've unfortunately been noticing a lot of AI-generated artwork which is really upsetting to see. :( I've been struggling to find a solid, collective batch of references from actual artists and human-made media so I'm making this post just so that there's something digitally to refer to.

Artists Reza Afshar Juan Miguel López Barea Zdzisław Beksiński Clyde Caldwell Frank Frazetta Piotr Jabłoński Chris Nazgul Keith Parkinson Luis Royo Justin Sweet Keith Thompson Boris Vallejo (and Julie Bell) Michael Whelan Takato Yamamoto Andrej Z.T.

Tumblr Accounts (includes artists) @buriedknight @darkartfinds @descendinight @godivaghoul @jakubrozalski @lowstrear67 @madcat-world @plastiboo @saprophilous @vane-sya @vyrosk @wolfhidewinter @yehuoji

Movies (not a lot, I know, I'm not a big movie person) Dragonslayer (1981) Excalibur (1981) Legend (1985) The Dark Crystal

Reference Books Castlevania: The Art of the Animated Series Demon's Souls (Black Phantom Edition) Artbook Dracula X ~Nocturne in the Moonlight Dark Souls Design Works Magic and Dark Fantasy Coloring Collection Santa Lilio Sangre - Ayami Kojima Artworks Art Book Sketching from the Imagination: Dark Arts Substrata: Open World Dark Fantasy The Art of Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

Other/Miscellaneous Resources Dark Fantasy Resource Pack - RPG Maker MV Demon's Souls Concept Art Diablo Concept Art Symbaroum Shadow of the Demon Lord World Anvil Royalty free Dark Fantasy music

I hope that this may be helpful to others too. Feel free to add on to this!

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skincareroutine · 1 month

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moonlight is such a movie man. like i dont think ive ever watched a movie and felt all the words left unsaid linger through the course of someones life. i felt the tension pain and loneliness feel like such a weight on his chest and it just makes me BAWWWWL and then in the final part when he resigns himself to a life alone cus he thinks thats all he deserves n losing juan why would they put uus thru all that

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admireforever · 3 months

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Moonlight

#mine #screens #moonlight #mahershala ali #juan #alex hibbert #little #chiron #barry jenkins #queer #black #lgbtq #gay #cinema #2016 #film #films #movie #movies #coming of age

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fritextramole · 1 month

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my girl, my girl, my girl. you will be my girl

part 2 of a Dan Humphrey playlist - best heard in order

tracklist and quotes under the cut

Hello? ~ Clairo, Rejjie Snow

Are you into me, like I'm into you? Do you wanna do the things I wanna do with you? You're so close, and yet so far I wonder how you look when you're in the dark

Kool Girl ~ Seasalt

I can’t believe that she’s texting on her phone in my passenger seat She’s got one foot on the dash And her head out the window

Would You Be So Kind? ~ dodie

Let's write a story Be in my book You've got to join me on my page At least take a look

Somethin' Stupid ~ Frank Sinatra, Nancy Sinatra

Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place And have a drink or two And then I go and spoil it all By saying something stupid Like I love you

Susie Save Your Love ~ Allie X, Mitski

Save your love For someone like me You don't have to be a part-time Susie

Wish You Were Sober ~ Conan Gray

Don't take a hit, don't kiss my lips And please don't drink more beer I'ma crawl outta the window now 'Cause I don't like anyone around Kinda hope you're followin' me out

Stranger ~ MOTHXR

It’s getting louder, I leave when I can Danger here is so quiet Water here is the fire

Upright (Everything's Alright) ~ Stevie Wonder

The right side of the tracks, she was born and raised In a great big old house, full of butlers and maids She says no one is better than I, I know I'm just an average guy No football hero or smooth Don Juan Got empty pockets, you see I'm a poor man's son

Melting ~ Kali Uchis

My blood starts to rush when I see your doorman I know you're nearby and I know your purpose Take one look at you, you're heaven's incarnate What is this spell, baby? Please show some mercy

we fell in love in october ~ girl in red

Smoking cigarettes on the roof You look so pretty and I love this view Don't bother looking down We're not going that way At least I know, I am here to say

Lips Like Sugar ~ Echo & the Bunnymen

Just when you think you've caught her She glides across the water She calls for you tonight To share this moonlight You'll flow down her river

Meteor Shower ~ Cavetown

Meteor shower, quick take cover But the hues in our hair compliment one another I'd sell my own bones for sapphire stones 'Cause blue's your favorite color

June ~ Briston Maroney

So dress up in your finer things And the smile can't hide anything And pin the flower to my chest And count the days that I've got left

Love Will Tear Us Apart ~ Joy Division

Why is the bedroom so cold? You've turned away on your side Is my timing that flawed? Our respect runs so dry Yet there's still this appeal that we've kept through our lives

Moon Song ~ Phoebe Bridgers

But now I am dreaming, and you're singing at my birthday I've never seen you smiling so big It's nautical themed, and there's something I'm supposed to say But can't for the life of me remember what it is

Just like Heaven ~ The Cure

You're just like a dream Daylight licked me into shape I must've been asleep for days And moving lips to breathe her name I opened up my eyes And found myself alone, alone

Killing Me To Love You ~ Vancouver Sleep Clinic

I'm fighting for you I'm hiding for you But it's killing me to love you

Oats In The Water ~ Ben Howard

There's coke in the Midas touch A joke in the way that we rust

Water Fountain ~ Alec Benjamin

Now he's grabbing her hips, and pulling her in Kissing her lips, and whispering in her ear And she knows that she shouldn't listen And that she should be with me by the water fountain

Shampoo Bottles ~ Peach Pit

It is seemingly worsened everyday All this shit of yours around my house If I could've had it any other way Then by now I would've chucked it out

#gg #ggplaylists #dan humphrey #gossip girl #source: senamarais

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