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pocket-pocket-rocket · 1 year

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Therapy homework: list of things I do to take care of myself, self care

SKIN CARE ROUTINE:

AM:

1. cetaphil cleanser (foam)

2. Vitamin c (on dry skin)

3. Moisturize

4. SPF (super important, do NOT skip)

PM:

1. Makeup removal gel/cream

2. Cleanser

3. Retinol (not every night)

4. Moisturize

*** Dermaplane every 4-6 weeks, each one gets 2-3 uses, clean with alcohol between each use

Gym: lifting weights consistently, working to become stronger. Motivation ≠ Discipline

Water goals: 2+ L minimum

Protein goals: 0.7 per lb for muscle growth, fueling body to be able to function. Using things like oikos yogurt, fairlife, protein bar, protein snacks (peanut buttter balls) and —>

Meal prepping: so I don’t die in the middle of the week, marinate the chicken in portion sizes and cook for optimal protein. Prep salads, one a day for collagen and great skin/Mediterranean diet if possible. Try baking recipes with protein powder

IMPORTANT: DO NOT EAT about 2 HOURS BEFORE BED Or you will have vivid dreams anD NOT BE ABLE TO FUNCTION THE NEXT DAy

Sleep: 7-8, closer to 8 if possible

Meditate: literally at least do 10 minutes away so you don’t have to medicate to keep your anxiety under control (spoiler alert: when you meditate, you don’t feel the need to endlessly scroll on your phone to find a relief!!)

Supplements: protein powder, magnesium, ashwaganda, creatine (BE SURE TO INCREASE WATER INTAKE), preworkout, fish oil?? Rosemary oil for hair, collagen

Mobility and flexibility training: if you don’t use your full range of motion, you’ll lose it!!! Don’t have muscles be super tight and can’t use them completely, can stunt gains too and risk injury

Hair care routine: leave in conditioner, and curl products, plopping, oiling twice a week

Socialization: do not isolate yourself when you are feeling down

Setting boundaries: with people and career, vocalize needs and wants when needed

Understanding when you need “me time” preventing burnout

Hobbies, drawing, singing, other art

Clean space: make sure I’m keeping my surroundings clean

Accessorize: wear jewelry for everyday wear rather thank just special occasions, express myself

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hessdalen-globe · 13 hours

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WIP Questionaire

thanks for tagging me @thetruearchmagos

1. What is the first part of your WIP that you created?

I made the map years ago with no story in mind, I just wanted to make my own world. That first map was very different from the current draft, I wasn't very experienced with map making then. But the countries and major locations are pretty much the same.

2. If your story was a TV show, what would the theme song/intro be?

I tried really hard to find a song to fill this question, but after going through my spotify playlists and trying to think of one from memory, I just couldn't come up with one that fit.

So, here's the Duke's of Hazzard Intro. I was gonna use this just as a joke, but if you actually listen to the lyrics of the song it kind of fits with the general theme of my wip.

3. What are your favorite characters that you made? Why?

I really like Cozar's backstory, his personality, and where I plan to take him. It took me a while to discover him and piece him together, but I'm really satisfied with what I've come up with. Oros is another character of mine, and while he might not be a main one I think he has potential to be entertaining.

4. What other pieces of media do you think your fan base would share?

I'm really not sure about that. I'm not really part of many current, big, or well known fandoms, so I'm not sure what attracts those fanbases to their media. I want to have a good number of characters that are thoroughly explored within an adventure/redemption story. So other pieces of media that share those traits would probably share fans with my wip.

5. What has been your biggest struggle with your WIP?

Motivation and doubt. I doubt myself and my abilities, I wonder if people will like what I write or think that its weird, boring, or predictable. I'm afraid of mean criticism and its tough for me to share what I've written. I've also struggled with motivation because my courses are very writing intense and have sucked out the joy I used to get from writing.

6. Are there any animals in your story? Talk about them!

The only one that's important in my first book at least is the Wharzov. It is a large and dangerous feline predator that lives in the taiga of southern Norphendra. The easiest way to describe it is a gray sabertoothed mountain lion. It also preys on humans.

7. How do your characters get around? (Ex. Trains, horses, cars, dragons, etc.)

Lots of different ways, the common everyday methods of transportation don't really differ from ones we use in our world. Throughout the first book alone they use cars, planes, and trains. At the end though, they get a new super secret way to travel that I won't talk about yet haha.

8. What part of your WIP are you working on right now?

Like I touched on before, my school courses have ruined writing for me. It's turned into something I see as a chore because I hate all the things I've had to write for my classes. They're long, tedious, and boring, and so its become very hard for me to dedicate my free time to writing after being forced to spend hours typing something I hate. So I haven't worked on my wip in months.

9. What aspects (tropes, maybe) of your WIP do you think will draw people in?

The tough bad boy that just needs some love. If this was a popular anime, there'd definately be some wattpad fanfictions about Cozar lol.

10. What are your hopes for your WIP?

That its something that people see, and its something that makes people happy.

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beaubambabey · 5 months

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I literally feel like I can't breathe and I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is I feel like I want to die. Like, seriously genuinely die not the everyday suicidal jokey "lol my life sux" shit I do

My life is over its fucking over and I'm never gonna be able to get out of this situation unless I die

My dad lost his job at the start of the year. I agreed to try and find a higher paying job to help out. That didn't pan out. I tried to do two jobs. Hated every second I was at the other jobs. Quit them. Couldn't get the hours I had prior to searching for a new job back. Didn't know what to say to my boss because all that was in my head was my dad telling me how I needed to get a better job. At least I had a fucking job.

Both my parents have been disparaging the part time jobs I've worked while living with them. They complain about everything, from it being "too far away" (it's less than 10 miles away) to how much I get paid (minimum wage but it's increased. And is much higher than the national average even though the cost of living here is astronomical) to what I bring home (food I want to eat and store in the house/smells/attitude). I wouldn't be working these part time jobs if they'd helped me make college work better for me. Or, if my mom's story (casually dropped years ago, no way to get the truth out of her because I don't know if she's ever told the truth about anything) about how she could've put me on medication as a child, I would've actually gotten a college degree by now.

They say they're proud of me but it always feels superficial. My brother has a master's degree and a good job. I never moved out and have credit card debt.

They complain that I never show them my art, but then when I try to open myself up they either brush me off or completely change the subject.

I don't have a place in this house. I am seen but not heard. I'm a child and will always be a child but at least I'm making them money, huh.

When I was a child I wanted to dance. Not Indian dance, like my mom did. Jazz dance. Tap dance. I loved dancing, and it made me happy. My mom hated that she was paying money for something that wasn't helping me lose weight. Hated that she was paying for something that wouldnt make me into a tiny version of her. I quit dance to focus on acting, because at least I wouldn't need to be skinny and act, right? But then I quit acting to focus on school. I barely graduated high school, and most of it was because my dad screamed me through writing essays for school. "We loved you so much and wanted you to do everything" You didn't love me. You don't love me, you love the idea of me and abhor the creature you created and can't face this reality. To this day, I can't bring myself to write anything academic without self-harming.

If I wasnt going to act or dance, I thought fine art could be something. I drew, I honed my craft, I learned, I studied. It used to be something I was passionate about. I fucked up along the way. I can't let myself pretend that I finish things. I delude myself into thinking I can do so much that when reality hits and I'm suddenly locked in mental loops that leave me stuck I've already fucked up and let people down. I lost the passion for art during lockdown. Less because of circumstances, more because I fucked up and fucked over other people. The obligations to those people and righting those wrongs held me back from drawing, because I couldn't allow myself to move forward without finishing out those obligations. And yet, it took me so long to find the wherewithal to get it done that years had gone by. Being diagnosed with ADHD was too little too late. I should've either been given Ritalin as a child or euthanized.

I tried streaming again in the hopes it would motivate me to draw more. Hoping I could design some new stuff to put on my store. It did help, while it lasted. My internet was shit the entire time I tried, so I gave up since the only time I had the energy to stream was the same time my parents were watching shit on streaming services. I only learned a few days ago that we don't even have unlimited streaming bandwidth and everything I've been doing has just cost my family more money.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken a vacation. Maybe I should've just worked through the month. Maybe I never should have even thought about having fun. Maybe I should never have fun or give myself a break. Maybe that would work for them. Maybe they want to wring me out of every cent I make. If I can't afford to eat food that I actually want to eat then I'll eat less and get skinny. If I can't afford to do anything then I'll never leave. If I can't afford to leave then I'll keep making money for them.

I want to jump out of this fucking window that they never bothered putting a screen on. Maybe if they found my body in the dirt on the side of the house rotting in the freezing cold with the neighbor's lemons it would knock some sense into them. Nothing I've ever done or said ever has. To them, I'm just some little retard child they brought into the world and kept as proof that they're capable.

There is no joy or passion in my heart anymore. Everything is a desperate delusion to escape this hell I live in. I'm a burden to myself and others. I will never be free.

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bipolarsun · 2 years

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Some of you won't be able to relate, and that's okay, all I ask is that you promise yourself and ME that you will get here;

I have been off of medication for about 6 months...maybe more..not sure. Regardless, consistency and self preservation have been keeping me from losing my marbles.

The thought of not being on medication used to terrify me. To the point where I would ball thinking about how miserable and wreck less I would be... as we all know there is not a universal fix all, but actually there is. Figure out what works for YOU. Stop spending hours reading about what everyone else does, DO THEM. How have the vast majority of us not taken the advice thats been drilled into our heads seriously yet ? The exercise, getting enough sleep, eating better, and drinking less etc etc has been repeated over and over and over again. Has no one really stopped and wondered why we keep hearing that shit? One of those things, or maybe all of them work for you, maybe two of them do and you find relief in drawing or listening to murder podcasts. GREAT!

Force yourself to do those things. It may take you two hours the first few times, but what you will find is that it gets easier.

Another thing I've noticed, everyone that posts motivational quotes on their social media, the ones I thought had their shit together, are liars. I have years of wear and tear on them, yet somehow, I have surpassed them IN ONE YEAR. Here and now, they are still doing what I was; thinking, reading, writing, planning on how to become and be happy.

The night everything turned around for me, was the night that I was going to make another plan for myself. I was going to put on paper what I wanted to do everyday (brush my teeth, shower, eat at least two meals a day) I was going to write down how I wanted to present myself and all these things, they were in my head and I JUST needed to get them out and follow the plan.

It was 1 am

I stopped myself

I said to myself, actually no. Fuck this.

I closed my journal, put my pen away.

I told myself to cut the bullshit and just do it. I thought " how am I going to write down that I want to go to bed at a timely hour, yet I was going to sit here up for another god knows how many hours writing and coming up with this plan, when I could do just that."

I went to bed that night, I got up the next day and I remembered everything I wanted to write down, and I started doing those things as often as I could, until it became light work. Yes I still get irritable, yes I still get and feel impulsive, I still have moments of ideation,- but because of being consistent and learning how to love and take care of myself properly; all the symptoms that used to keep me tied to the bed, or tied to the bar- have become miniscule and easier to manage than I ever thought possible.

Maybe that hobby that used to make you happy doesn't anymore, and maybe it never will again, but so what? Find something else. You've already tried multiple medications, or have been through multiple therapists, whats the difference ? You owe it to yourself to not let your mental illness be who you are.

Being depressed, anxious, suicidal, angry, irritable are not choices, but choosing NOT to do anything about it.... that IS a choice.

#mentally unstable #mental ill health #mentally ill #bipolar ii #bipolardisorser #bipolaraf #positive mental attitude #wake the fuck up

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holycow99 · 3 years

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石田お寿司 12/9/21 stream translation Part 10

This is not the full translation of the stream. I only translated the parts I could understand & interpret or parts I found interesting/important. I’m still a beginner in Japanese, so the translations may not be accurate. If you want to repost, please repost at your own risk.

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(t/n: ** means translation may not be accurate.)

I: I’m shortening the number of pages for chapter 2, so I’m using a super large-size canvas. This can only be read on PC. I thought manga was supposed to be read on PC. I’m totally out-dated.

C: I want to read Hunter x hunter’s continuation.

I: Right? Me too.

*Referring to his drawings

I: This is Choujin X chapter 2 ver. 2 for the magazine and comic book. (t/n: He’s speaking in eng.)

I: Ah, the webcam comment is here again. Welcome. There must be a program that automatically send spam to streams with few people at this time of the night. The account and the address must be a camouflage.

*Ishida mispronounced the word moderator, so a fan commented on that.

I: It’s because it’s been a while since I talked to people. A few days ago, I talked to that… I talked to Ms. Towada. I called her ‘that’. I talked to Ms. Towada till morning. I talked to Mr. Kunimitsu as well that day for like the whole day.

C: How did you meet Mr. Kunimitsu?

I: I met him since he was with The Cabs. After that, I really wanted him to do a song for TG no matter what, so I asked him for 100 times but got denied. After 100 times, I finally able to reach him. I was so persistent. In the end, he made the opening for Root A. I attended something like his interview privately. Then, we lightly made a promise to eat together sometime. We were able to meet up. We went to eat and went to 2 bars after that.

I: He forcibly became my friend. Hahaha. I forcibly asked him to make a song for my work. I was his fan in the first place. Now, I don’t know what to label myself.

C: Your impression of TK?

I: He’s like an alien. A unique person.

C: Please visit UK someday.

I: I want to. Are you from there? I like UK. Their culture and all. I like Henry VIII. Hahaha. The guy who executed his wives one after another. I really like him. Their history is my favourite. I wanna visit UK, France, Germany, Italy. I wanna visit them now though. Haha. I need to get jabbed 10 times.

C: Visiting Germany was fun.

I: That’s nice. Travelling is nice, isn’t it?

C: I’m happy that I’m able to see a pro drawing his work.

I: Pro? Am I one? I think of myself as an amateur. (t/n: You’re kidding?!)

*Someone commented on the Kagoshima trip they’ve been planning.

I: I wanna have Kagoshima trip too. An offline meeting with 300 people.

I: I’m glad I’m able to stream after quite a while. Now, I can upload Animal Rap videos. It’s not like I can’t just upload it.

*People suggesting Ishida to visit their places.

C: Did you read TG’s doujinshi.

I: I read them all. Who with who and what happens between them. (t/n: Hope there were no weird ones. XD)

C: You checked the doujinshi?!

I: I checked them all. I write manga so that I can read doujinshi about it. Is there such person? Perhaps, there is. There are all sorts of people in this world.

*He wanted to say something more about doujinshi, but he stopped. The fans asked him to continue.

I: To put it lightly, this isn’t a bad talk. In Naruto, do you guys know there’s the sexy-jutsu guy version? At that time, I thought to myself whether Kishimito sensei was capable of seeing such things. Isn’t the series something sacred to him?** This is bad. I’ll say up until this point.

*Someone commented that they’d keep quiet about this.

I: Please keep quite over the fact that I called Odachi sensei as Odacchi as well.

I: I’m thinking of working on the draft too. I’ve finished one chapter, so another 2 chapters to go. Around 50 pages.

C: It’s easy to drop the honorifics with people who are way above you.

I: That’s right. People like that are seen like a concept. I won’t call him this, but doesn’t everyone call Togashi sensei, Togashi? This will happen when you respect him too much.

I: In that sense, since you guys are talking to me with respect, it means that I’m still a small fry.

C: Sometimes I say Ishida Sui.

I: Oh really? That’s nice. Thank you. I’m happy. You do say that. Just don’t say it in front of me. Hahaha. I’m a lot older than you. I’m just joking. You can just say it. I’ll kill Goubaru if he said that.

C: I love your stream. (t/n: this comment is in eng.)

I: Thank you. My super f***ing good stream. (t/n: He replied in eng.) Hahaha. You’re not allowed to say this, right? It’s a swear word. What would it be in Japanese? It’s probably a more vulgar word than I thought. I’ll be careful. I use that word quite often in Animal Rap.

C: The word is ‘Kuso’ in Japanese.

I: That’s probably the word, but the f word also means sexual intercourse, so I think it’s quite vulgar. I say the word everyday though.

*Someone commented that it’s gonna be morning soon.

I: It is! That’s good. Let’s greet the morning.

C: Are you gonna do a breakfast ASMR?

I: I’ll eat Natto, then. I’ll do Natto ASMR. It must be disgusting. Is there anyone who does Natto ASMR? Maybe there is, no matter the food. Maybe the sound of them mixing Natto sounds pleasant.

*He’s imitating the mixing sound.

I: Natto ASMR is nice… Are there any other disgusting sounds? Everything is unpleasant though.

I: The stream has passed 5 hours. How long can you guys follow me through?

*Ishida talking about various type of ASMR.

I: Will this work be done? Someday. I have to finish it. (referring to chp 2 ver 2)

I: This song is nice. It suits Choujin x. It has that idiotic feeling to it. Idiotic but feels nice. It perfectly suits my ideal.

C: What time of the day has the least people when you stream?

I: I wonder what time. Isn’t it during these kind of hours? It’s exactly now. On the other hand, there are more people during night time. If there are a lot of people, the comments pass by quickly. It’s easier to read the comments if it’s like this. This is the time people can ask for consultation.

I: Seriously, what should I do when the channel reaches 30,000 subscribers? I can just not do anything. I’ll just say thank you. With a loud voice, I’ll say thank you for the 30,000 commemoration project. This is too ridiculous. Hahaha. This is the most appropriate, right? It’s simple. You can even see how demotivated I am. It’s not like I have to be motivated for that. It’s fine if a small amount of people can enjoy that. All these idlers who can’t sleep. These Insomniac people.

C: Let’s do 10,000 punch of gratitude a day.

I: Let’s do that to Goubaru. Let’s do that to someone who isn’t related to this.

*Ishida imitating Goubaru.

G (I): “Why me?!”

I: “It’s for the 30,000 commemoration! That’s why!”

*punching noise*

I: Let’s do that.

*Ishida talking about Japanese comedian. (t/n: He really loves comedians.)

C: Do you have a night routine?

I: That’s impossible for me. I don’t have one, because it’s too messed up.

C: Routine vlog for 30,000 commemoration.

I: I really don’t have a routine. I can’t shoot myself either.

C: Make a drawn routine video.

I: That suits mangaka. But I don’t wanna draw. Hehehe. I earnestly don’t wanna draw that. I don’t wanna draw things I don’t need to.

C: I don’t know why, but chandler looks handsome.

I: Really? Is he handsome? Is he? I like Chandler.

I: His face isn’t like this isn’t? It’s supposed to be burning.

*Adjusting chandler’s face.

I: It’s supposed to be like this. I’ll fix it later.

C: Stream the sound of your routine only.

I: Is that entertaining?

C: Sneezing video.

I: Seriously, what’s up with that? What kind of fetish is that? Well, there must be people who like it.

C: Stream you drinking vodka every time money comes in in the superchat.

I: Let’s do it. It looks fun. I’ll die. I could make the headline for yahoo news.

C: Sensei, are you a human?

I: I am.

Part 11

#ishida sui #tokyo ghoul #jack jeanne #choujin x #chojin x #ishida sushi channel

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affectingmementally · 3 years

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hey i’ve been so inactive but i’m back now.

May. A new month and, as i’m sure all of you understand, an opportunity to look at where you went wrong last month and start fresh.

so i’ve started something new. some new rules to kind of relax how obsessive i am about calories but still stay in a deficit low enough to be losing weight. i’ve set myself a deficit of 1,200 on mfp, however i will only allow myself to actually reach that at the weekends or special days like birthdays, holidays etc. otherwise, i’m going to do my best to stay at around 1,000 but if not i’ll allow myself 1,100. the only reason i’m more comfortable with having the extra 200 on weekends is because one day i work for 4 hours and i don’t get to sit down at any point, i’m constantly walking around, lifting things, cleaning and if i leave early enough i can walk the long way rather than the short way to get there. during that time those extra 200 cals would have easily been burnt off. the other day i do water sports so again, the calories get burnt.

another thing that i’m doing differently this month, i’ve decided not to track vegetables. this is mainly because my parents are picking up on how much i was weighing stuff and things like lettuce, cucumber, broccoli will never be over 20 cals so i’ve decided not to count them. however i do want to count fruit because the sugar content usually makes them higher in calories.

secondly, to manage my IBS i need to cut down on coffee. so i’m going to try to only have 4 per week and no more than one a day.

third, i’m going to start writing down my total calorie intake for each day on the calendar on my wall. this way i can have a reminder of how much i should be eating and i can calculate my weekly average.

fourth, vitamins. i’ve been awful at taking them in the past and it’s noticeable when i skip them. so i’m making sure i take them before i sleep. i’m keeping them in the draw next to my bed so if i’m tired i don’t need to go downstairs. i take 1x probiotic 1x A-Z multivitamin 2x turmeric tablets (they’re anti inflammatory so help my stomach, nothing to do with weight loss) 2x colon cleanse (not laxatives, they manage toxins) and 2x metabolism boosting. they are all made from my dads line of supplements and it’s just to make me feel brighter and hopefully help me faint less as well as being in less pain with my stomach.

fifth, i start my morning very specifically now. what i want to try to do is walk in the morning but i’m taking things one step at a time. i wake up earlier to go downstairs and make myself a green tea and get a bottle of water (my bottle is 800ml and i usually drink about 6 of them everyday). i also get a hot water bottle for my stomach and sit in bed and make sure i drink all of that before i do anything else. i’ve figured out that if my mornings start well the rest of the day tends to go better.

sixth, green smoothie. some people hate the idea of drinking a litre of green liquid first thing in the morning but THIS SHIT HAS BEEN SAVING ME I SWEAR. i’m always constipated, like to the point where i’m lucky if i go once a week. however, my mum has been drinking this smoothie everyday first thing for a few months now and she’s lost quite a bit of weight. i’m not saying it’s a miracle potion but if it makes you shit that’s at least something. i make it differently to my mum, but it works well and doesn’t make you bloated (yay!).

the recipe:

- 150g frozen pineapple

- 100g cucumber

-50g celery

-25g kale

-around 5 mint leaves (optional)

-125ml apple juice (optional but does make it taste better and it’s still low calorie)

-250ml water

-1 scoop green nutrition powder (optional, i just put it in for the extra vitamins and shit)

this fits in one of the large nutribullet cups and comes to around 150-200 calories (depending on whether you include the optional ingredients)

seventh (??), i want to try to walk everyday but the weather is shit and sometimes it’s just too bad to go outside and physically go on a walk. however, one thing i do make sure of everyday is that i plank. i don’t really like doing at home workouts, plus the ceilings and walls in my house are paper thin so my family can hear everything, as much as i can hear everything they do as well. but planking, no noise :) i’ve been doing it on and off for years but i definitely recommend it’s something people get into just because once you can do it for a good amount of time the benefits are endless. your core, thighs, glutes, shoulders, back, chest. everything is working. i can plank for 5 mins and i do this before i go to bed. it’s a good distraction to listen to music in the background and for me i like to watch the timer on my phone. for some people that just reminds them of how much time they have left but it motivates me because i can see that time go down if you get me.

lastly, actual hygiene. i want to shower everyday and make sure i do my skincare so my skin doesn’t dry out too badly and my acne doesn’t flare up. when i restrict too much this is a huge issue for me and again, people notice and my parents are better now at picking things like this up because i have been enrolled in therapy for my ed before, so they have been told about all the behaviours and signs. anyway, i want to get more comfortable with showering because last month i way leaving it for WAY too long, just because i didn’t want to see my body. if i do it everyday even for 5 mins i’ll get more familiar and it’ll become a habit.

that’s what i want this month to be about i think. breaking bad habits and making new ones. i don’t want to purge anymore because tbh i don’t enjoy it, it makes me feel relieved afterwards but unless i’m really uncomfortable i hate doing it, it’s my last resort. i haven’t for months but i don’t want to self harm anymore. i have a job where i’m on show to the public and i don’t want to have to manage new cuts or scars anymore, it stresses me out and gives me very little release for the price i have to pay afterwards.

BUT, on a positive note i do want to eat over 1,000 calories each day. that will be an achievement and i want to get more comfortable with the idea that you can still lose weight on high restriction. i do want to get back into walking and enjoying it like i did in lockdown. i used to look forward to it but i began associating it with weight loss and that ruined it for me. i need to learn to enjoy it because it calms me down and it’s time on my own with nature, not just an excuse to burn calories even if it does come with that benefit. i do want to start running again even though i know that will be challenging due to how tired i am each day. hopefully with my sleep pattern getting better and with the vitamins that won’t be a problem in the near future. i want to read again, it’s such a great outlet.

I’m not ready to let go of my ed, i’m not ready to let go of the control i have right now. However, i’m doing my best to positively better myself as much as i can. this is how i’m doing it, this account is anonymous so don’t compare yourself. you don’t know my age, build, my lifestyle or my situation well enough to even begin to compare yourself. we all struggle, i am still struggling a lot. this whole post seems like i’m doing great but i still cry over 10g of peanut butter. i still get angry when i can’t stick to the plan. i still get nervous when food is mixed into any social situation. this month is about coping in the best way i can.

i really hope that from this someone can take something positive that will improve your quality of life no matter what stage you’re at and just to disclaim, i fully support and encourage recovery, i’m just not in it right now. this is not a pro account, it’s a place for me to vent without judgement.

have a good day :)

#tw ed content #disordered eating tw #tw ed stuff #tw eating things #eating disoder thoughts #restricted eating #eating disoder mention #eating disoder things

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unholyeverything · 3 years

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I finally made one of those again, and I wanted to share and actually tell you the whole story of my art since this is actually my 10th year of drawing, believe me or not :3 This is also actually the biggest audience I ever had and I’m so grateful for all of you, and for Obey Me! to stumble into my life because, you will see, I completely lost motivation and any ideas to actually draw in the years prior. I am so grateful for all that’s happened, and thank you for being here with me! I found friends here again that I wouldn’t give up for anything, they make me feel better about myself and what I do and I’m gonna cry on you. I love you ;A; Feel free to read through the rest I put them under the cut. But I’m really proud of what I achieved that year. I finally found my love for drawing again. DiaLuci gives me serotonin, I made some OCs that I love and that are the most detailed I ever made. And I also drew the most detailed pics I ever made, you can see under the cut how little backgrounds I drew, and now looking at this, I made one extremely detailed one each month. I had to figure out a style I enjoy again, which I luckily did, but I also still like to experiment and not stick to one thing, but I enjoyed trying out new stuff! I put more effort and detail in again, and I really hope I will keep this up even when I start work, I really hope I will! I’d be sad. I finally enjoy this again, I finally have ideas again. I’m feeling so much better, so thank you all for that!

I fist started drawing in 2011, when I was 12. I started since I joined the warriors fandom as my aunt gifted me one of the books and they had a like to an online forum that was handled by the publisher. So I signed up there with my parents permission obviousely. Don’t let any 12 year olds on other sites, thank you. I joined DeviantART when I was 13 and allowed to. I’m a good kid. But anyways, I drew a lot of animals, mostly cats and dogs thanks to that. I also drew a lot in the beginning, so many ideas and I had a few friends that supported me too, it was nice and made me want to keep going.

2012 was the same, and I still think the first few years when you start are the ones you have the highest spike in improvement. Still drew a lot each month, started to draw lots of chibis as well. I never really studied anatomy, only watching a few colouring tutorials. I just wanted to have fun.

I started to get better at colouring this year and started to add lots more datails and spend longer on the drawings, still drew lots and lots.

I’m still fully set on 2014 being the best year in my past, especially for colouring. I put so much effort into everything. But this was also the year where it went down. Some things happened online and I just started to lose interest as I left the fandom. I drew less and less, mostly only one-two things each month. Also since I barely had an audience I started to let that get to me which was stupid, I started to think why should I spend hours and hours drawing something none will look at anyways, so I looked for ways to make my colouring more simpler and put in less details again.

This started to be very noticeable in the year after that. I only had one picture to chose from each month, if at all. I just really started to loose motivation, especially with no ideas as to what to draw. Mostly OCs and occasionally some fanart for an anime that I like. Don’t ask me what October is supposed to be it was the only thing I made that month idk.

2016 was a really bad year. I just didn’t know what to do with myself and my art anymore. I also started uni so that took some of my time, but not that much, during my holidays between end of school and beginning of Uni from July til October I also didn’t draw much. I only tried a lot of new things, simplifying and not being happy with anything that I made. Aside from November I don’t like any of those pictures. But as I sad, I was just lost and had no ideas anymore, I didn’t feel good about the things I made but I kept going, forcing myself to draw at least once in a while so I don’t completely forget how it works.

2017 I felt inspired again, making up that extremely colourful style that I adapted now again, it gave me serotonin and at least I liked what I was making again. I drew a lot more in the beginning of the year two, just enjoying slapping colour on everything. But I lost motivation pretty soon, I also felt kind of lonely now that I think about it, I wasn’t super sad but I didn’t really had anyone to talk to, breaking up with my toxic ass friends about half a year before school ended and I didn’t really find anyone in uni that I was close with. I just sat around after classes and watched anime until I dropped to bed pretty early everyday. I’m still proud of my very strict sleeping schedule, that happened mostly because I had no reason to stay up :D But anyways, there are a lot of month, strangely enough my big break months where I didn’t draw at all, I probably was too lazy and exhausted.

Best. Year. Of. Drawing. Peridot. Outdid myself. Very much art. So good. Had so many ideas, tried three new styles just to go back to the old one for the redraw because I wasn’t happy with them. So much improvement. It’s amazing how much I did that year. Idk. I probably was mentally dead and watched even more anime. Though I also did that in years I drew a lot. Idk.

2019 was a lot better then the year before. I missed drawing but still didn’t have a lot of ideas. But I joined instagram for a short time and there were a lot of these “Draw this in your style” that provided me with ideas, and I really enjoyed doing those. I tried digital painting for the first time then and I’m still super proud of what I did in January. I also tried to work more with watercolour in this year. I spend more time and attention with colouring again, working and changing my style a bit. I still really like what I drew last year! I also have a weird obsession with eyeballs and I can fit three pairs on a face and it still looks okay, can you tell? I didn’t drew much this year but I like the quality I made I guess? Motivation ran out pretty quickly though, and that might be because I also did creative work for university so that could’ve played into it. And now off to 2021 :3

#art summary #art summary 2020 #obey me

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flow-green · 3 years

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19-08-2021

“I think I’ve never had more chaotic year than this one,” I confessed one evening when we drove in a car somewhere. My SO gave me a warm look and I checked to the back seat where my Charlie-baby was sleeping. If somone would have told me year and a half ago that 2021 will be a true turnaround in my life, when I will throw away all the life chains and take full control, I would have rolled mye eyes and gotten back to my endless vicious circle of career. I think ever since 17-years old I have followed the norms the society has set up: graduate high school, sprint through university, meanwhile make sure you work so you won’t get drowned in depts, get a job for your field of interest, in the meantime take some loan for some random house and if you have a moment, please, make some babies. Ever since I was a child, I knew right away: that’s not me. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to break these frames. But, oh well, there is no point to raise my voice for my own good as all the other people around me are nicely stable in the system. Some of my exes are on the same line: if you are not a parent by age 31 and do not own a gorgeous house in the suburbs while paying a sickly huge loan, meanwhile ignoring your family, friends and hobbies to make ends meet just so you could work yourself to deah by age 40, then you are a loser.

Few weeks ago in Saaremaa, while tipping my toes and feet into the warm and comforting waters of Estonian sea, I realized where I have drifted with my life. Only now I have started to realized that, f**k me sideways, I am actually a living human being. A LIVING person. I LIVE.

About 2 months ago, near summer solstice, I finally felt the finalizing ticking in my brain that pushed me gently to the edge of unknown. “Will you?” the life asked and motioned me to jump. “Or will you stay here forever, wondering what’s down there?” And so, with shivering hands, I clicked ‘send’ button on the mail that delivered my resignation letter to my boss. Done. Over half a year full of mental terror and a slow suicide will come to an end. At this point I had insane regrets. How am I supposed to throw away an opportunity and 6-year long career just because I do not want to live anymore? Now you’re probably thinking I am being a drama queen and overexaggerating. Oh, dear god, no. There were days, where everything started to tumble down in one go: my love life, my family relations, friends and work relations. On these days I switched myself and my phone off, listened to some serious melancholic tunes, sat alone for hours or drove around with a car and now, admitting for the first time: I hoped that something will happen and I do not need to live here anymore. I admitted this once also in my therapy, that I have frozen up while driving, not really giving a damn about my leg on gas pedal and about the speed.

I am once again a fat, useless, lazy, clumsy, slow and unorganized. Blessed with sore black eyes, a girl with unstable nervs and flaked nails. And all this just to give myself to a work which does not appreciate any sacrifices I make.

And I did it. This is MY life. My path and my decision, I ain’t going anywhere and even if I do, I’ll go with a smile on my face and as a queen for a day.

Few days ago I realized with full heart that this was one of the most important decisions in my life. I went for a run, as I have started to pick it up again. I went and set a goal to run approx 20 minutes. I had time. No rush. Only responsibility waiting for me was one project to improve a home page of our fresh company, but there was no strict deadline nor a passive aggressive boss-lady stalking my every move and making sure I am around even off-hours. So, my 20 minute run became to a 1 hour run, which was successful, nicely progressive and easy. I enjoyed every minute, because I was present. I had nowhere to hurry. I did not worry about the future or the past. I was just excisted. And I breathed.

I think I have cried more this year than in total for all past years. In my 9 to 5 appartment cubical lifestyle I always pushed away everything that demanded at least some movement out of comfort zone. For exaxmple I always closed in when my ex partner had an idea to do some changes. Well, true, his changes did not comply with my dreams. I did not want to get a huge loan to buy a house and sprint out 2 babies just because ,,Martin and Marge had their second kid in their gorgeous house and Martin is only 1 year older than me.” OK, is nice for them I guess? Every time these silly arguments started to come up, I switched myself off into my safety bubble, all alone. I let no emotions, chaotic situatons to influence myself and I just slowly flew on my laid down path, with eyepatches on. I always knew I want something different. I wanted to fight and be heard. Every time there was a conflict at work, with a friend or family member or with a partner, I eliminated it in the early stages and just ignored the rest.

And when these eyepatches were finally removed, everything else followed. I had no pink glasses or filters for emotons. Real life was there for me, but not always in a bad way. Real life offered everything, you only had to have guts to reach out and take it, with all its plusses and minuses. Take it, dominate, take responsibility, but don’t just float by. Get yourself togeter, notice, do, learn and experience. If not now then... when?

This half of a year has thrown so many obstacles and opportunities on my way and I have caught most of them. I guess one of the most difficult period was spending some insane time at a house in the middle of nowhere, without any water or normal comforts. This has made me appreciate small benefts of our everyday life.

I think I have mentioned this earlier as well, that February and March were probaby the hardest months this year. I was given a challenge to overcome and boy, it was tough. Namely, I got pregnant. As a woman who has never wanted to become a mom due to several and long reasons which I will not discuss today, I was in a cocmplete shock. I felt happy, scared, angry. Why now? Universe has its twisted sense of humour and it turned out that the pregnancy is not carriable for medical reasons and abortion is a must. I did not have a single day to stay home and mourn and endure grief. Oh, no, they needed me back to work ASAP. So I ignored the pain of loss and carried on with even more enormous work tempo to keep up. This period started a chain reaction which pulled me cruelsomely to the edge of the cliff. Work does not sleep, it waits impatiently. Even on these two horrible days I had to go through with the process, I did some work since I had become irreplacable.

All the emotions sealed up just blasted out as soon as some smaller bebble hit my bicycle. I cried hysterically, screamed. There were no days where my eyes weren’t bloodshot and with dark underlines.

In some sort of a sick twisted way I felt good, since I was needed, everything depends on me and I am sure it will get paid off nicely in the end when I have worked until my nose bleeds. In this tunnel vision I did not realize that skipped recovery and unresolved grief had made me this maniacal, delusional self-centered zombie, who lived for her workdays. All my free time I spent worrying about next work day. I did not notice anymore how my mom is doing, how are my friends and what is my partner up to. Every time we went off to one of our van trips I just existed somewhere in my thoughts about how much there is still to do. And it’s even more sadder, that I did not even notice myself anymore in the free world.

“Yea, but how would you go on?” was the main question I was asked when with a shaky voice I admitted that I need to quit my job right now and don’t want to take such responsibilities for a while now, only for myself. Everyone can do it. If there is a will, there is a way.

I am happy that I have at least won almost the entire battle with eating disorder, although I have to admint I am not proud over the inner criticizm about my body, which has grown 8 kg heavier since last summer. This means I still have days I hide under baggy clothes and just wait until these dark thoughts pass. There are days where I absolutely veto going to the beach because ‘it’s cold’. Actually I am reminding myself of that year where I had a killer six-pack, hip bones and tiny bikinies fit me so well, but now I look more like a curvy, slightly soft female not nearly showing signs of being physically active. Although, I am now in that golden zone where my weight is not going up nor down almost at all, no matter how much or little or what kind of foods I eat (plant based always of course). I guess it is positive, my body has found it’s perfect zone, but I--- don’t really like it. This mentality here is something now that I have to work with, with all my spare and peaceful time.

Since 25 July I am (f)unemloyed. And happy. I have made sure that I will be secured, will not be homeless and have food and I have a first step of a plan prepared. Priority for now is to help myself out of this destructive black hole that influences not only me but other close ones as well.

I don’t have black shadows under my eyes anymore. I sleep deep, without any random wake ups, I finally have time and motivation to cook, bake and test out recipes that have been collecting dust since forever. From day to day I get back to introduce myself to my long lost hobbies like kite surf, reading, writing, drawing and yoga.

I have finally startrd to realize that next to me there are people that I love unconditionally and to whom I have shown insanely rude attitude. Have you ever felt that re-falling in love again? I am currently feeling it with tripple multiplications, because I have once again fallen in so much love with my dog, my boyfriend and my hero on this topsy-turvy road, my family, friends and life itself.

I will not even take a glance anymore to that 100 promises I made earlier this year. Life is just so much different with completely new challenges. If anything, then I can mark this time period here as my new and fresh chapter for my life.

#ed recovery #ed #self care #quit my job #my life #adventure #van life #carefree #my story #blogging

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firewoodfigs · 3 years

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Monday’s off to a pretty chill start, so I thought I’d pen down some thoughts about my first week of work. :)

My first week of work went pretty well, thankfully! The workload was mostly manageable, and everyone’s been really friendly and welcoming so far. I’m also very grateful to be in a place where people believe in preserving one’s sanity, alongside reasonable working hours. It’s also heartening to hear that many here have time to pursue their own separate passions and hobbies. All in all, I think it was off to a pretty good start.

I think my biggest struggle at the moment is learning how to draw that divide, at least mentally, between work and other aspects of my life. Writing’s been hard for that reason. My job consists predominantly of reading and writing (not the fun fictional stuff, unfortunately), so it’s hard to turn that switch off and write purely for enjoyment’s sake; write the stuff that I want to. On the bright side, though, this has spurred me to go on more walks, get some fresh air to clear my mind and try to get into a different headspace.

That wretched time of the month ruined my plans, however. :( I’ve been feeling a bit more down than usual - no thanks to the persistent rain and grey, sombre clouds that’s left me feeling a little dull and lacklustre. Hard to find inspiration when the world around you consists of four walls and barely any light. And when I’m in that mood I tend to close myself off from the world a bit - my social energy feels depleted, creativity and motivation zilch. Everything I write feels like recycled trash. Either I’m writing about the same topics over and over, or the words just don’t seem to fit at all. On days like these I try to remind myself that it’s pointless if I’m not having fun, and revisit the lessons that I’ve taken away from some of my favourite Ghibli films (Whisper of the Heart and Kiki’s Delivery Service are currently my top two favourites!). Still, it’s hard. It’s a constant struggle between wanting to productive, wanting to churn out (x) number of words like a machine, and just wanting to live in the moment and enjoy the process. What are passions without fun, but an empty, hollow cavity that just leaves one feeling even more unfulfilled than before?

And then, I watched Soul yesterday. (And cried a river because everything resonated with me so, so deeply.) So often my passions invariably turn into obsessions, until it just saps all the childlike enjoyment and drains out all the beauty from it. I think subconsciously I always feel like I have to be good, to be loved. I have to be good, to be appreciated. To be respected. I have to be good, I have to be perfect, but when will I ever be? When will I ever be good enough for myself? When will anything ever be good enough for me? I’m always second-guessing myself with every breath, every word, every argument that escapes me. Perfectionism works almost like a drug for me - it’s harmful, but at the same time I cling on to it like it’s gold, like it’s a safety net that can keep me from getting ensnared by pride and stagnancy.

But the film was such a heartwarming reminder to simply live in the moment, and let be. To truly enjoy one’s passions without being fettered by the world’s unreachable expectations. Sometimes just living, breathing and taking in all the sights around us - simple things, small gestures of affection that we tend to overlook when we’re overcome with the humdrums of everyday life - is good enough. Kindness is, in itself, more than sufficient. And this is true. I still remember the kindness of strangers: a heartfelt compliment at the grocers’, baristas who go the extra mile to leave a short note sweeter than sugar, a child’s offer to share a snack and watch the clouds drift by together, to be a part of their wonderful, wonderful world. The list goes on and on. I could likewise go on and on, but I have to get back to work soon LOLOL. Maybe I’ll write another post proper once I’m done sorting my thoughts out. 😆

I hope you all had a good rest over the weekend! Stay safe and take care out there, everyone *hugs*

#ANYWAY EVERYONE PLS LISTEN TO 'YOU'RE THE ONE' BY THE VOGUES #AN ABSOLUTE BANGER #also does anyone want to scream about the queen's gambit with me #or play online chess with me #I am again firewoodfigs cos zero creativity #HAHAHAHA #sorry if I suddenly go overboard with ze chess metaphors in my royai fics :'')#I have a newfound appreciation for Roy Mustang and his stupid chess metaphors #10/10 believe he would get wrecked by Beth harmon tho #also get wrecked by Elizabeth... amazing #anyway I have a dark secret to confess #I was so sad that TQG ended in 7 days so I went to order the book #but it's taking forever to arrive #so I did what any sane rational person would do #yes ur right I went on ao3 #Beth & benny were gr8 together ok I'm sorry...#not fma #personal

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2badshewonteatacookie · 5 years

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HOW TO STOP BINGING

Hey guys,

I see a lot of people who are struggling with binge eating in this Community. And I don't mean the "oh I ate over 1000 calories" binging, I mean the 3.000 -over 10.000 calories binging.

My Story : I always had a fast metabolism and was always the skinny girl who would eat a lot. Then I discoverd the pro-ana community and I thought I could become even skinnier, so I started restricting, but I always stayed over 1000 calories. I lost a lot of weight people where concerned and always commenting on how skinny and unhealthy I looked blablabla, I loved it. But then I would have these cravings and I would eat a lot, so I got back to my starting weight, over the years it got worse because I would try to restrict during the week and always binge on the weekend. Holidays where the worst, because I had no routine and would binge every day. Last year I finshed high school and started a gap year in the USA and maybe going to the US with binge eating disorder was the worst Idea of my life. In the last 8 month I gained over 22 lbs /10 kg. A lot of shit happend at home and I wasn't there, so I would eat my feelings, I would stay in bed for weeks and eat 10 whole meals a day until I thought I would die from a heart attack because I ate so much. I have a 9 to 5 job in an Office right now, so I dont move a lot. Most days I get up go to Work and have lunch, go back home have dinner, eat a lot of Snacks watch TV go to bed. But since a few weeks I am binge free, I still eat too much and not healthy all the time, but it's getting better slowly and I already lost some Weight. So here are my things that help me.

🌻Accept it.

You have Binge eating disorder, Yeah it sucks, and it's gonna happen again! Nothing sucks more than having this anorexic beauty standart /goal in your head, but binge eating at the same time. But this is where we are right now, so accept it. And dont promise yourself to never binge again, this will put you under pressure and you will most likley binge again! Promise yourself to get better.

🥗 Eat healthy.

All this processed food will lead to more cravings and wont make you full. Also healthy food is lower in calories, more nutrional and will make you feel better.

📺 Eat mindful.

Don't eat in front of any media. If you have time prepare your food and eat slowly. I used to eat every meal while watching something on my Phone, to the point where I couldnt watch something without craving food. Yeah eating in silence is boring but it will stop you from over eating. Also dont eat in your room!

🕛Eat regulary

Try to eat at the same time every Day. That doesnt mean you have to eat exactley at 12pm but try to eat around that time. What Works for me is having 3 big meals a day. But there are so many options like 3 meals two snacks etc. Just try to have a routine. It helps especially when you have trouble knowing when you are hungry or full. I try not to eat after 7pm because I know that thats mostly emotional /binge eating. And dont freak out if something unplanned is happening and you can't eat at that certain time. Its ok thats life. Try again tomorrow.

👭Eat with friends.

Especially when you feel like binging. Call a friend, do a sleepover. Eating with others will stop you from eating like a pig. Maybe you will still overeat but at least not until your stomache hurts.

😴 Get enough sleep.

If you lack of sleep your body is trying to get the energy from food, so you will eat more. Try to get 7-9 hours every night. And have a certain bedtime. I had most of my binges after 10pm but if you sleep you can't eat!

🏡 Get out of the house.

If you are at home it's easier to binge. No one is watching you and you have all the food around you. Try to have something to do every Day. Meet with friends, get a hobby. Even if you have work to do, do it somewhere else like the libary.

🙅Avoid Stress.

Bad feelings like stress will lead to binging. If you have a big project to do and you don't know how to start and you procastinate, that will lead to guild and stress. Start early, ask for help, prepare for a binge. Dont let other people Stress you, especially family members love to tell you how many things you should be doing and how far you are behind and how easy it is to do All of this. Its ok, breathe, especially with Depression and an eating disorder it often feels like you are stuck in life and everyone else figured it out. Its not like that! Your trying! As long as you keep trying you are not stuck!!!

👸Don't compare yourself to others!!!!

This is maybe the most improtant one. Dont compare yourself, yes there are people where it seems like there are perfect, they have all this energy and they are good in everything. But who cares? They are not you, you should only compare yourself with yourself. Everything else will make you feel like you can never do it and you will never be good enough. But if you only Focus on your own progress you will get happy and stay motivated.

🐢 Be slow.

Yes I know we all want to see change as soon as possible. But change takes time. Think about where you would be right now if you made slow but constant progress?! Yeah we see all these people who eat under 1000 calories exercise every day and have straight A's. But you tried that right? It worked for a week and then you binge again. Dont overwhelm yourself Start slow. Start with one challange a week. Set yourself realistic Goals. For example exercise 4 times a week. Thats your goal for the week nothing else. You could stay in bed all Day and eat, as long as you exercise 4 times a week. It works, I promise you wont stay in bed all Day, but if your brain thinks you could then it doesnt feel like restricting and you wont binge. Its So weird but the Moment you tell yourself Im gonna binge again and it's ok, you are less likley to binge. The mindset, I never gonna binge again, is the most dangerous.

⭐Dont be a fucking perfectionist!

I told myself so many times Im gonna eat healthy and then I would eat one drop of olive oil and be like fuck it now Im gonna eat 10.000 calories of junk! There are so many diffrend ways to reach your goal! Not this one perfect way. And even the most perfect people are not always perfect. You dont have to be perfect to reach your goal!!!!!!!! Slow progress!!!! Kill your All or nothing mindest!!

🍕Enjoy your binge.

If you are about to binge, keep calm, Trink some water. Call a friend, prepare your binge food, try to make it more healthy,for example vegan junk food or stuff like hummus and Avocado, wich are tasty and high in calories but healthy. Binging on more healthy food will make you feel better than binging on McDonalds and your skin is not going to break out, also it is hader to eat as many calories with healthy food. Enjoy the food, dont just swallow it!

🚫Dont restrict the day after!

It seems so logic right? I binge, now Im gonna starve the next Day. But this will ALWAYS lead to another binge. Dont skip meals! Move on as if nothing happend!

🤸Learn to fill the void

Lets be honest there are only 2 reason why we binge,1. You don't eat enough and your body is trying to get the nutrition. And 2. you're trying to feel better. Tasty food is releasing Dopamin and we feel good, at least while we are eating. But after you binge you feel disgusting and like a failure. So you have to find something else to fill that void. I read once that for every Bad habit you want to break you need 5 good habits. So find something that makes you happy. Start your Day dancing to your favourite songs. Meet with friends. Exercise. Watch your favourite Show without any distraction. Draw. Masturbate :) whatever makes you happy.

🌈Stay motivated.

Remember, progress is slow. Sometimes you wont see any change, your brain will tell you it's not worth it and to just give up. Remember why you started. Keep a tumblr with stuff that inspires and motivates you, but don’t compare yourself with others! Search for people who have the same problems it's not a race, be Kind to each other motivate each other. And don’t use your whole energy for this one goal, focuse on other things in life, time will go faster that way. Dont search for change in the morrior everyday! You got this!

🍑Hope this helps someone. If you have more Tips please share. If you have questions ask me and if you want to chat, message me.

Sorry for my spelling btw.

#binge eating recovery #bingeeating #anti binge #stop binging #active thinspo #thinspo #eating disorder #healthy eating #motivation #inspiration #me #personal #Depression #overeating #mental health

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mysteriousquantumphysics · 5 years

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First year physics undergrad recap

I started studying physics one year ago and my blog still lacks activity - thus it’s time to do a recap of my experiences and give you, the new freshmen, some hints!

To be honest despair was my constant companion during the first semester. In the beginning confusion is ominpresent because you have to learn an immense amount of new mathematical stuff you have never imagined before. But as time is passing you get used to it and you start understanding the connections between the topics. The most important advice is to keep going, no matter how frustrated you might be.

In my case I did earnestly not believe to pass any exams for the first months of uni. Each single day showed me how much I did not understand. In retrospect I realize that this feeling is absolutely normal - your endurance is being tested. Gladly I did never resign and kept on learning. As a result free time was not really existent during these months. But this proved to be worthwile - I passed all exams and with some luck I finished the first semester even with good grades.

At LMU Munich you have three lectures in the first semester: E1 (experimental physics - classical mechanics), M1 (mathematics for physisicsts - calculus) and T0 (mathematical methods for theoretical physics). At least E1 sometimes resembles the physics you are used to. There the math is not as heavy as the stuff you need to use later. But you learn all of this heavy math in T0 - the most challenging lecture as I experienced it. And well yeah - calculus was just a bunch of confusion for me. To prove Lemmas, Propositions etc. in correct mathematical language was something absolutely new. To calculate and to prove are completely different things - but you can get used to it, even if it takes a lot of time! Practice makes perfect.

Luckily the second semester was way better than the first. I proved to myself that I can make this and got a higher frustration tolerance. I believe that most of the students feel this way. The lectures then were E2 (experimental physics - thermodynamics and electrodynamics), T1 (theoretical physics - classical mechanics) and M2 (mathematics for physicists - linear algebra). Though it is still damn difficult, your fundament of knowledge you earned during the first semester helps you everyday. Still you won’t be safe from failing exams - I did not pass linear algebra this semester. About 80% didn’t. But I have a lot of hope for the retry exam - It’s okay to fail sometimes. [Edit: I actually passed it, yay!]

Now let’s give you some tips for your first months as a freshman!

Go to each lecture and tutorial

The moment you start not going to lectures is a dangerous step. In some cases (if the professor gives an absolutely terrible lecture) it might make sense. But not going to uni because of despair and resignation is the worst thing you can do. Once you started this it becomes a vicious circle. It’s way more difficult to learn absolutely everything by yourself. It’s really helpful to get a better start into new topics with attending lectures. Otherwise it gets more difficult than it is anyway and you lose motivation more and more.

Get used to work by yourself

Try to get a balance between discussing with others and solving problems on your own. Both extremes do not ensure effective learning. You need to ponder by yourself. But when you’re struck for hours, you should get help - discussing is important, even if you do not get the right results.

Do not let bad habits overwhelm you

Going to uni everyday for often more than eight hours can lead to very unhealthy habits, such as not eating the whole day, not making real breaks because you’re under pressure, smoking a lot, etc. At least these had been my problems. Maybe I have the tendency for bad habits anyway :D I think it’s still important to say: Don’t forget to eat, drink and take breaks - otherwise your brain won’t work properly.

Get enough sleep

Really - get enough sleep. Plan in your daily routine when you’re going to bed. Sometimes it is in fact not possible to sleep enough. As long as this is the exception, everything is fine. It should simply not be the rule. At the latest when you’re constantly falling asleep during lectures you should rethink your sleeping habits.

Do something that gives you compensation

You need to get your head free. Often you think about a physics problem for hours and stay struck, even after discussing with your mates. Get a hobby or better to say, don’t stop the hobbies you’ve been doing before. Sports, drawing,... anything - but do something which is not physics.

Remember that it is possible to pass the exams

Although it might be difficult to believe in the beginning, it is really possible to pass. As long as your work hard enough. The exercise sheets are most of the time much harder than the exams. Get additional exercises from books etc. and you can properly learn for them. (Honest edit: Sometimes the exams seem actually impossible to pass. e.g. my linear algebra exam that 80% failed, but even then: you’re at least not alone).

Don’t compare yourself with others

Simply don’t start thinking that all the others are better than you. There are always these genius guys who seem to have less problems with the sheets and lectures. But these are no ordinary people and not the average student. It’s okay to belong to the struggling “mainstream”.

Don’t give up

Already after a few weeks you are going to see that there are many more free seats in the auditorium, because many guys give up. You need tenacious adherence to the idea that you do not belong to them because of the following:

Most important: Don’t forget why you are doing this!

All my points make physics look like some masochistic burden, but it is not. You are doing all of this in order to understand the world a bit better and get to the borders of human knowledge. It takes a lot of time and costs a lot - but it is worth it. I never regretted doing physics even in my most frustrated moments. I earnestly believe it’s the best you can study - your mind gets more analytically, you think outside the box and you see the fundaments of nature - even it is only a glance.

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