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strangertheory · 3 years

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With the theory about Hopper and others potentially being introjects, would that mean that everything that took place with Hopper and others like El and Will etc. was purely in an inner world? Joyce for example, who I assume isn’t an introject...her interactions with the Hopper we see would have never happened, at least IRL? Also, how do you think they would reveal this theory to the audience in a way that they understand? I find it interesting but I think if they outright state it, it could be seen as sensationalizing DID by comparing it to scifi and could receive criticism. I hope you’re well, btw!

I’ll answer each of your questions one at a time. (Thanks for messaging!)

“With the theory about Hopper and others potentially being introjects, would that mean that everything that took place with Hopper and others like El and Will etc. was purely in an inner world?"

The nature of an introject alter is that they are based on a person or character who exists in the external world. Introjects can be “factives” (based on a real person – perhaps like Chief Jim Hopper) or “fictives” (based on a fictional character – like the Demogorgon or the Mindflayer.)

Therefore this means that, hypothetically, if there is an introject who is based on an original Jim Hopper that the Byers family knows, that there could hypothetically be scenes that are the “original” Chief Jim Hopper and then scenes that are a very different Jim Hopper who exists in internal worlds in the DID System. Some scenes might be one Hopper, and some scenes might be the other Hopper.

It’s important to keep in mind that when there is an introject alter based on a person that does not mean that the introject alter will behave and think and act exactly like the “original” that their identity was based on. Their mind subconsciously established a new alter and identity that knows themselves to be Jim Hopper, but that person will be totally different from who the other Jim Hopper is because they are truly not the same person. An alter of Jim Hopper might be based on one particular idea of who Jim Hopper is as a person, but alter-Hopper’s identity can also be heavily influenced by the DID System’s lived experiences and thoughts and sometimes even other people that they know too, and therefore the accuracy of that initial persona of alter-Hopper will be entirely dependent on the DID System’s interpretation of who they think Jim Hopper is.

Joyce for example, who I assume isn’t an introject...her interactions with the Hopper we see would have never happened, at least IRL?”

So. Joyce! Hopper and Joyce. Within my current DID theory and meta I see a variety of possibilities regarding Hopper and Joyce’s interactions with one another as well as a variety of possibilities about Joyce’s character. We currently know her as Jonathan and Will’s mom. I did briefly touch on one hypothetical in which Joyce might not be, under all circumstances in the series, “mom” a few months ago but I haven’t discussed it extensively because it’s an idea that I doubt would be especially popular in the fan community and is very niche to my current thoughts on the series. You can read my speculation on “a Joyce who is not mom” in this blogpost here at this link. I do see it as hypothetically possible that there is a Joyce that is an alter. Hypothetically. There are many possibilities, but I do see this as one of many hypotheticals. I recognize this is a very controversial “what if?” and many will see it as highly unlikely, but the possibility that there is a Joyce who is not mom and that is perhaps a very well-loved and trustworthy person in the DID System’s life and who has an introject alter based on the “original Joyce” who might not be a parent but perhaps is, in the external world, a doctor or a nurse or a therapist that Will and Jonathan know as “mom” was something that I have considered. Maybe. Hypothetically. Perhaps.

I am working on a very long blogpost in which I’ll explore a handful of very different hypotheticals about Hopper’s character and my thoughts about his role as the “deeply flawed but protective dad” in the story as well as address my thoughts regarding his relationship with Joyce. Hopper’s dynamic with Will and Hopper’s dynamic with El are also very interesting to me, so I’ll definitely be exploring his relationship with each of them in that WIP blogpost as well.

I’ve avoided talking about Hopper and Joyce for a while because many of the hypotheticals that I’ve considered about their characters are rather incompatible with current popular fandom ideas about their relationship. I don’t really ship Jopper, but it’s arguably one of the most popular ships in the fan community. There are one or two scenarios in which I could see Jopper being “endgame” but there are a handful of hypotheticals in which I see them absolutely not being a couple at all. I’ll be discussing most of these hypotheticals that I’ve considered in the Hopper blogpost that I’m working on. Originally I wasn’t going to talk about Hopper at all until after season 4 because I was anxious about how my ideas might be received by the fan community, but given that even the most mundane opinions that I’ve expressed over the last year have resulted in me receiving a few angry anonymous messages I figured: screw it. If I can’t even ship Byler or like Bob Newby without getting a little bit of harassment and pushback from other fans then I may as well talk about whatever I want and share all of my ideas. So I will be finally sharing all of my ideas about Hopper and his relationship with Joyce, El, and Will. The blogpost I’m working on will probably take a while to finish but I hope to publish it before season 4 is released.

When I’m thinking about different theories and possibilities for what might be happening in Stranger Things I rarely feel as if there’s only one possible route for the story to take. Yes, I do at this point feel very confident that there is a meta narrative happening in the story and that not everything is as fans currently believe them to be regarding both the character relationships and what each character is dealing with, but the possibilities that exist within that are vast. I might suspect that Stranger Things is intended to be about a DID System, but this creates millions of possibilities for the route that the story could take. I might believe that I’m starting to notice certain consistent details that imply the Stranger Things universe is based on something that has a logic and structure to it, but that doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly psychic and can predict what will happen within that universe’s structure. The story is in the hands of the writers, and I’m eager to see where they take it.

“Also, how do you think they would reveal this theory to the audience in a way that they understand?”

I wrote about how this could hypothetically be explored and revealed in the show in this blogpost here.

“I find it interesting but I think if they outright state it, it could be seen as sensationalizing DID by comparing it to scifi and could receive criticism.”

Although it is hypothetically possible that writers could choose to create a fictional story in which superpowers are real and a character with DID also happens to have superpowers, and this has been done before in popular media (ex. David Haller, aka Legion, who was first introduced in the X-Men comics in 1985 and who has dissociative identity disorder and who has alters with mutant abilities) I personally currently theorize that all of the fantastical events that have happened in Stranger Things so far might be intended to have happened exclusively in internal worlds and not in the external world at all. Events that take place in internal worlds are not limited by the rules of physics and what is “real” in the same way that events that take place in our external world are. Events in internal worlds can be very metaphorical and fantastical because they exist within the mind. The scifi and fantasy elements of the story could, hypothetically, be directly tied to fantastical events that are not sensationalized but are truly accurate to the way that some (but not all) real DID Systems might process memories and trauma within their internal worlds. Internal worlds aren’t dreams, they’re much more vivid and consistently structured and they are often structured around real-world experiences that they’ve experienced, however I want to very loosely compare an internal world to a “dream world” in order to clarify why having fantastical events and monsters and characters with superpowers in an internal world would not necessarily be sensationalizing DID but rather portraying a realistic hypothetical. Telling a story that features internal worlds in a DID System in which fantastical events happen is not inherently sensationalization since fantastical events can and do happen in some real DID Systems’ internal worlds and that is not something that is exaggerated or fictionalized at all. What might seem unrealistic and fantastical to us might be very real for them and most especially for alters who spend significant amount of time in internal worlds. To alters that live in internal worlds exclusively and never front in the body the internal world is their real world and, comparatively, our world might feel very fictitious and unreal to them. But it’s definitely important to keep in mind that every DID System will be very different, and that any one example of a DID System isn’t necessarily comparable to others since their unique experiences will define the way that their System works.

The ethics of “should a popular show like Stranger Things be about DID” is a complex question and an important one, but I haven’t explored it extensively because I believe we do not currently have enough information regarding the approach and the resources that the production team and writers have taken in the creation of the Stranger Things universe and story in order to discuss those ethics at much depth quite yet. If the story is, in fact, about DID or a specific mental condition: did they consult with medical experts? Are any DID Systems directly involved in the production as consultants? Is this particular series entirely fictionalized or are certain plotpoints based on real DID Systems’ experiences? If they are not basing the events of the story on a “true story” then what are the ethics of creating an original story about a fictional DID System? I do believe it is important that creators make a conscious effort to be informed and ethical in their approach to storytelling that involves any real-world medical references, especially with regard to commonly misunderstood and misrepresented conditions like DID, but given the nature of Stranger Things and the way that I believe we are not yet aware of the “bigger picture” of what is happening in the story because the writers intend for it to be revealed in future seasons, I do not think we know enough of the context of the creation of the show in order to begin discussing those nuances. I think and hope that we will learn a lot more over the next few years as seasons 4 and 5 are released. The question of “should they” is a different topic than “are they,” however. Whether they “should” or whether they are doing it “well” will need to be discussed if and when we know if they actually are doing it and also once we know more about their creative approach to the subject matter and what resources they have used in the creation of the Stranger Things universe. I think the direction that the story takes next is also going to be important regarding the assessment of whether or not the story was written ethically, too. If they reveal, for example, that the story is about a DID System that has murdered people or done terrible things then I would immediately say “nope, that’s a misrepresentation and a continued stigmatization of a deeply misunderstood community and I see the story as being unethically done.” But we don’t know what will happen in season 4 and 5 yet. Thus far all I can say is that I believe the writers have effectively encouraged us, as fans, to deeply empathize with and care about El and Will and Hopper and everyone and that this gives me hope that whatever the story is about that the writers are taking an approach that is deeply respectful of those who are neurodivergent or dealing with mental illness like PTSD etc. They’re the heroes and survivors and they are not the villains. And that in itself matters very much. But I guess we will see what happens in next in the series and whether or not the story is about DID or is about something else entirely.

“I hope you’re well, btw!”

Thank you! ^_^ I’m doing really well right now.

...

*As always please keep in mind that I'm doing my best to explain things as well as I can but that, ultimately, if you'd like to learn more about DID and internal worlds and alters that you should find up-to-date and recent medical resources on these subjects. I am not a medical resource I'm a stranger on the internet talking about a fictional Netflix series.

#as always I'm not offended if other fans think this sounds unlikely or absurdly complicated #trust me I'm well aware that these thoughts about the characters and the series are atypical of what the vast majority of fans think #but I'm sharing these hypotheticals and if they aren't a meta that interests or appeals to you that's your opinion and I respect that #I am looking forward to following wherever season 4 and 5 takes things whether I'm right or not #I share a variety of less common ideas here on my blog but at the end of the day I'm just another fan looking forward to what happens nect #*next

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i-am-extremely-mad · 3 years

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Discussion I have on YouTube under video 'A Mediocre Recap of Mediocre Alternate History Shows' from AlternateHistoryHub

Sir Reginald Meowington 1 month ago Uh-oh here comes the Korra Stans. Back to the topic, I feel that some of the people who worked on Fringe most likely worked on Man in the High Castle. It's too early similar or they are Fringe fans.

Extreme Madness 1 month ago (edited) Becase she wasn't Mary Sue... an argument that ignores the original meaning and is actually used against any female character that shows even hints of self-confidence or arrogance or is even better at something than male characters. Aang learned and became a master of all four elements in less than 9 months, almost constantly dominating his opponents, somehow people don't consider him Mary Sue, Korra who spent 13 YEARS! of intense training, and despite that still could not airbending, struggling in fighting opponents who have some superior abilities, ended up in a wheelchair, recovered for more than three years from mental and physical trauma ... somehow it makes her Mary Sue, if she was a male character no one would even thought of considering him a Mary Sue...

Sir Reginald Meowington 1 month ago @Extreme Madness I like how you automatically assume that I dislike Korra out of misogyny or a hidden agenda despite enjoying female characters like She-Hulk, Wonder Woman, Rogue, Big Barda, Phoenix, Zarya (Overwatch), and Noi (Dorohedoro). Basically, women who fight like men and have the muscles/powers to prove it. There is a reason why I dislike Goku, Wolverine, Batman, and similar characters. Nice try on attempting to find a non-existent bias. When it comes to a wheelchair recovery story I prefer Barbara Gordon's journey and triumph to become Batgirl again, over Korra's lackluster 10-minute portrayal. There was more emotional weight seeing Barbara doing normal mundane tasks like eating, showering, attempting to walk (after failing numerous times), and talking to a therapist about her trauma in the course of several issues than it was for Korra getting a quick fix in one episode. Korra isn't a well-written character and it shows. She never has to own up to her mistakes like the time she broke up with Mako by wrecking his desk and threatening him for doing the right thing. Does she apologize for her behavior in the police station? Never. Did she apologize when seducing Mako so he can cheat with Asami or apologizes to Bolin for using him as a way to get Mako? Never. Does she apologize to Tenzin for yelling at him for being a horrible teacher? The story forgets it. Do any characters tell Korra she is making the wrong decision or that her going in fists first will cause more damage and be proven right. Nope. Was Korra shown to be wrong when wanting to create a fictional Gulf of Tonkin incident to get the United Nations in a war with the Northern Watertribe as careless and harmful? No. The plots dictate that she can never be wrong even when it could potentially put people in danger. Korra is given fixes too quickly. She gets her bending taken away. That's interesting. We can see her work through her anger, hurt, and self-delusion, Oh nope sorry she gets it back 5 minutes later after crying about it. Oh no she lost the past Avatars. Why should Korra care? She never talked to them or formed a relationship with any of them similar to Aang and Roku. Oh wow, she is disabled are we going to get two or three episodes where she deals with her new life in a wheelchair including how mundane tasks are now a struggle? Sorry, we don't get time for that or life-long PTSD, we have to rush the plot because we can't understand how to tell a story in 12 episodes. You can also tell how much of a fetish they have for brutalizing Korra and show it in meticulous detail. Ah yes, this is what I asked for more man pain and people wonder why I hate Wolverine.

Extreme Madness 3 weeks ago (edited) @Sir Reginald Meowington Even if everything you said was true (it isn't), that's still argument against her being Mary Sue (character that supposed to be ridiculously perfect and not having flaws and weaknesses). Her being in wheelchair was just part of her slow recovery through entire season (she didn't recover immediately, she was in wheelchair for months, while trying to walk again, and after that she was still recovering for 3 years). How is she guilty for Mako cheating? He have his own agency. If he really loved Asami he could just said that he wasn't interested. Korra give up to be with Mako anyway when she became friend with Asami, she even ask Mako to go to Asami after they escape from her father. Everything after that was on him. She didn't use Bolin to get Mako, she just go out with him to have fun. Bolin was the one who mistakenly thought that they are on date. Mako was technically right when he stop Korra attend, but he still did that behind her back, she was right to be angry, especially when it was desperate attempt to save her tribe from occupation. Isn't she apologized to Tenzin when she come back after learning what her uncle trying to do.

Sir Reginald Meowington 3 weeks ago @Extreme Madness "Even if everything you said was true (it isn't)," Talk about denialism there. I don't like the evidence you presented to me therefore it is not true. That doesn't refute anything I have said or why it's problematic. That just tells me you don't like any argument presented to you therefore everything you don't like is false or a lie. Just a reminder Korra isn't right to create a Gulf of Tonkin situation and starting a war will cost the lives of citizens who are unaffiliated with the conflict. (Looks at Vietnam and Spanish American War) It is not right for a high ranking member (General Iroh) to create a situation that leads to justification for war. You know what happens with that right? Court Martial and possible execution. We have whistleblower laws for a reason. Apologizing isn't enough. The writers should known better and have everyone call her out for it. It's the biggest reason why Korra is problematic in the show. The writers have no understanding of writing Korra or any political ideologies (Everyone ranting how Amon is communist is using red-baiting arguments) present in the show that they flaunt to make them appear edgy and mature. It's why Korra comes out bad for forcing a kiss on Mako and telling him "Yeah, but when you're with her, your thinking about me, aren't you?", never apologizing to Bolin for cheating only Mako apologized, having her disabilities skipped because they don't know how to scope within 12 episodes (Barbara Gordon did it better and in less than 30 pages), Asami getting back with her dad was brought up last minute and then he is dead. Just because someone apologizes doesn't mean they deserve forgiveness. Especially not after destroying property damage over a fit. You do that and I get the restraining order.

Extreme Madness 1 week ago (edited) @Sir Reginald Meowington I actually started watch the show again and look at that, you are full of shit, Korra actually apologize to Tenzin for calling him terrible teacher in second episode of Book 1! Korra didn't use Bolin to get closer to Mako, that's what Mako accused Korra for, doesn't make it true, Korra was actually right about his feelings for her, and Korra literally apologize to Bolin while healing his arm in episode 5 for whole situation. About situation when she desperately trying to free southern water tribe from occupation, it's interesting how you blame entire situation on her and not at her uncle. She have every right to be frustrated. She make only few brash decisions, in most situations she listens and work with others like when she listen Mako how they should save Bolin from Amon, she was doing that for the rest of the show, especially after she returns after having vision of Avatar Wan and learning what her uncle actually planning, in book 3 she surrender to Red Lotus so others can save Airbenders. About her recovery, you don't see the forest for the trees, her being in wheelchair was just part of her slow recovery, it wasn't only important part of it. When did Barbara Gordon stopped being Oracle? It's another lazy retcon from DC? DC couldn't work with other batgirls so they took one of rear example of superheroes with disabilities and make her somehow magically recover from spine cord injury. Lazy writing I'd say. Bad example. I will stay with Korra.

Extreme Madness 5 days ago @Sir Reginald Meowington "Does she apologize for her behavior in the police station? Never." I know you ignored my previous answers but ... Just a few days ago I watched the finale of Book 2 and look at that, Korra actually APOLOGIZED to Mako for that before they broke up! When you actually watch the show you see how many arguments arose from people who didn’t actually watch the show or didn’t pay attention to such important details.

Sir Reginald Meowington 5 days ago @Extreme Madness You lost all credibility when you put Barbara Gordon and Gail Simone under the bus to make Korra look good when a 10-minute google search into the story arcs and fan discussions regarding disabilities and whether or not she should walk again were ignored. Not to mention the decades of critiques and discussions of the event in The Killing Joke and the input of various writers who talked about it for decades in several series starting Barbara. Then you go by using ad-hominem attacks towards me by claiming I am a liar and that I don't watch the show. I quoted the episodes and the scene in the last comment that mysteriously disappeared including why that was problematic and how the show does not do a good job at addressing her faults. As mentioned before, apologizing after enacting violence against your partner during a break up is not enough. As I said when I addressed it, "Just because someone apologizes doesn't mean they deserve forgiveness. Especially not after destroying property damage over a fit. You do that and I get the restraining order." and this is the problem of the writers not understanding how to write Korra or her archetype. It is obvious she was sacrificed in the altar of man pain for character growth and the most abysmal love triangle since the Jean Grey/Scott Summers/Wolverine ship. It's the only reason why I started shipping Asami and Korra as I do with Jean Grey and Emma Frost due to the levels of toxicity. Of course, that would require you to have basic reading comprehension or understanding of social/political issues when moving the goal post so you don't have to address those ugly truths when questioning the romance even fans addressed was badly handled. So now you are trying to grasp at anything in an attempt to make yourself look good after calling you out about supporting a toxic relationship with a female abuser. But of course, it ain't toxic or bad when it's female on male. It's just for laughs.

Extreme Madness 5 days ago @Sir Reginald Meowington "apologizing after enacting violence against your partner during a break up is not enough" Originally you only claimed that she never apologized, which is a notorious untruth, now you claim that her apology is not enough, who here moving the goal post actually. "supporting a toxic relationship with a female abuser" What the hell are you talking about ?! Korra, abuser ?! Go fuck off. I also don't care about the convoluted mess that DC and Marvel comics are for which no one knows which continuum they follow anymore. So no I don’t want to see them as an argument.

Sir Reginald Meowington 5 days ago @Extreme Madness Saying they don't count as an argument because it is not your preference is a lame excuse to dismiss evidence regarding a comparison between two similar story arcs between Korra and Barbara. As for the other point It would be good of you to stop time traveling between comments and look at the entire picture of why throwing your partner's desk while they are at work during an argument is problematic. As defined by several resources that talk about relationship and spousal abuse.

It is not okay for your significant other to throw or breaks things when angry in front of you even if they have no intention of physically hurting you.

That is a person who is purposefully threatening you and reestablishing the power dynamics of control/dominance when their partner does something they do not like. That is a person with massive anger issues who is one step away from physically hurting you someday. It's a big red flag that you need to get out and it's only going to escalate from there. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior, no excuse for your partner to throw items in front of you, no excuse for them intimidating you, and no excuse for creating a scene or atmosphere of violence. That is damaging to the psyche of the person that it is enacted upon. In any situation, get out and contact the authorities immediately don't wait, especially if you feel you are in danger. Grab your things, file a protection order, and don't look back. Nobody should vent or release their anger at someone like that.

Ugh...

How do I answer this, they first claimed that Korra never apologized to anyone and that her recovery is worse than some completely different character who has nothing to do with her and now claims that Korra was abusive in her relationship with Mako. I don't know what to say anymore...

#r/ant #personal r/ant #some people are just so... ugh #just ugh #personal post

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dxmagedrose · 4 years

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GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER!

Tagged by: my lover @hammurabicomplex I’m tagging: anyone and everyone who wants to pick this one up! share with the class if you feel like it! tag me in it!!

PRESENTING. RANDOM DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO-MUN AT 2AM ;

FIRST NAME Good fucking question… It’s (sort-of) currently Dylann! I was Kieran before that, though; it’s still used as one of my first names and I’m not used to Dylann quite yet bc I’ve just started using it.

Indigo is one of my middle names though, and I’ve used it as an online handle elsewhere forever so I use it here now! [ Fun etymology facts: Dylan(n) is a mythology name generally meaning “born of the wave” (aspiring diver & a water witch at heart). Kieran means “little dark one” bc of my love for horror, && I chose Indigo bc as a kid to be it was neither boy (blue) or purple (girl) and was both and neither as well as my absolute favorite color as this vibrant ass mystical color. ]

STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF hmmmmm…. I’m a horror lover at heart, so as a child (I wanna say 12), I was walking through an antique store (I have a few cool finds, I considered putting my other one as the fact tbh) and I turned the corner and I saw these two dolls staring back at me at the foot of the stairs of this antique building. my blood froze, and i felt my stomach drop. i got actual, physical goosebumps stumbling across these two creepy dolls staring back at me in the corner, and i couldn’t leave the store without them. perhaps the little painted porcelain boy would be somewhat spooky by himself if it wasn’t for the terrifying lidded gaze of the porcelain girl with the hairline fractures and slightly open lips. i cant look at her. i dont really find dolls scary, I like to find the spookier ones ones, and she makes me paranoid as hell. i keep her face covered and her up in my closet except for when i bring her out to show her off proudly as the spookiest thing I have but……. i dont really collect dolls anymore. even thinking about her brings a fearful tear to my eye. i don’t like to think about her for very long, but that’s why I’m so fucking proud to own her. ( YES — I’m THAT white person in the horror film )

TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON hhhhh a beardy jawline, high cheekbones, crooked canine teeth >:3c

A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF b.l.t.’s with avocado. ahhhh. my mouth is watering just thinking about it, oh my god. just a bit of salt and pepper???

A FOOD YOU HATE barbecue anything, i hate the taste of bbq sauce, you keep your nasty black goo to yourselves at the grill. twice in my life i have presented with barbecue pizza and both times i cried literal tears. why would you do such a horrible thing to a person? what kind of a monster are you? how do you sleep at night?!

GUILTY PLEASURE the sims. constantly. always. i’ve sunk thousands of hours into my households. oh also uhhhhhh i run two 80s horror blogs, one being a shitpost blog with occasional art of mine and one gremlin fanfic ship blog for horrible, terrible self indulgent fanfics i’ll get the courage to finish writing & post so i can be cancelled on tumblr for at some point. NO, i won’t link them. as i pretend they’re even all that hard to find, within a day i was found on both by someone i admire here a lot :’) ilu bby thnk u eternally for supporting ur local horrifying dumbass wtf

WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN the same clothes i’ve been wearing all day usually, my sweats & long sleeve raglans or my hoodies. i like being cozy day & and out. and ugh. efoort. just throw me in a blanket in a cool room and im out.

SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS serious relationships with some openness or poly. i wish i could fling! just not exactly easy for demisexual autistics lmao.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE I think I would be adopted by my grandma as a kid. It would save me some trauma but mostly I think it would get my autism diagnosed way earlier and save me angsting all these years of wondering why & thinking it’s my fault I’m struggling so much and so loud and affectionate and different in a world that i didnt fit in the same way.

ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON when i get drunk i text people how much they mean to me in my life. does that answer your question? ahhh. i’m sometimes a cuddle monster with friends, i message people with long texts about how much they mean to me, but I sometimes really don’t like to be touched at all.

A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN FLYPAPER. F L Y P A P E R. FLYPAPER. FLY, and, I can’t stress this enough, fucking PAPER. ( Though also Whole Nine Yards and both Re-Animator & Bride ). I have watched Flypaper already like, 5 times this week and I’m still not done, and the other movies have been on repeat for days in this household within the last year. In the past it has also been Donnie Darko & the new Nightmare on Elm Street. roast me.

FAVORITE BOOK White Fang by Jack London. Have I actually ever finished it? No. Do I still own a copy I’ve had since childhood thru multiple dogs eating it, taking it to and from school, and highlighting and circling all the best parts of chapter one ever since I was a kid and it was too hard of a book for me to read? You bet your ass. If I ever need inspiration I just reread chapter 1. Although one of my other favorites was Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes. But White Fang is like, a weirdly personal text. We stan London’s writing in this household.

YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE FENNEC FOX!! I used to daydream about having my own named Shiloh when I was a lil kid. they’re adorable little things and i am obsessed. i mean, gimme any fox and im happy, marble foxes, red foxes… but I was obsessed with fennec foxes. Also tbh ferrets. I want a ferret.

TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL] Rosa & @ninetyscnds‘s Luke, Rosa & @iimpulsivity is already screaming my name, Rosa & Constantine, Jesse & Andrea from Breaking Bad, and the joker and harley of 80s sci-fi Dan & Herbert from Re-Ani. I am but a simple opossum.

PIE OR CAKE Pie! I’ll take both pumpkin & melty apple over cake. also, cheesecake is more pie than cake soooo, pie wins.

FAVORITE SCENT my dogs / my blanket. :’) It’s the most grounding smell in the world.

CELEBRITY CRUSH oliver jackson-cohen, i’m fucking GAY and im angry about it. there i was, minding my own business, and i saw that asshole in a certain SHIRTLESS GIF and it AWOKE SOMETHING IN ME. dont talk to me about it, holy shit im obsessed with beardy men now god fuckkdafjaask i hate him why did he make me this gay i was perfectly fine being into girls but NOOOOOO him and his dumb hairy chest and sweet rugged face and I—— I also am obsessed with the archaeologist & television personality Josh Gates and may or may not be considering making a fan blog for him bc idk if my anthropology docuseries host is Dad or Daddy but i love him lots

IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO I would go on a dive with anthropologists and archaeologists doing fieldwork research in the ancient cenotes of the Yucatán Peninsula. My actual dream job, catch me crying & fantasizing about being underwater documenting Mayan skulls given as offerings. Fuckkkk, I love anthropology so much!! take me anywhere in the world to immerse myself into culture & archaeology.

INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT Introvert. I have a real life friend I see roughly once a month, and that’s it. Plenty of online relationships, I’m chatty, message me all day every day. but i dont do people well.

DO YOU SCARE EASILY I used to! Really bad. I don’t as much anymore. I do get paranoia a lot still. Having therapists telling you that the FBI could be outside your house watching you through your windows will kind of nervous. ( no google results for: yes hello fbi i am a writer please dont put me on watchlists i just have research i need to do for this idea im working on, would you like to try again? ) I have nightmares nightly but not they never make me afraid, they just make me feel like crap. jumpscares and loud noises and seeing people reaching into their pockets dont set off as many brain alarms anymore tho!! progress haha.

IPHONE OR ANDROID I like my android better bc of capabilities but meh

DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES My mom, her husband & I play COD for family game night, and Silent Hill is my life’s blood. I’ve sunken hours into Sims & Skyrim, and Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain is my #1 fictional character in existence, why do i love the druggie babies

DREAM JOB Oh… You’re asking me to pick? I’d love to be an anthropologist doing work out in the field. Underwater archaeology is peak, but I’m also heavily considering being a body recovery diver or police diver. I’d love to see myself in uniform someday, if possible. Just the thought makes me teary eyed & proud.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS fund my person creative & educational endeavors. get myself a spooky ass abandoned house to make my own home to create in, and travel to the world’s best dive sites. just live a mild life of education, creation & exploration. that’s the dream TM.

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE dr. hill is a gross and whiny lil bitch this post brought to u by the miskatonic crew, how is everyone here an even worse bad guy than herbert west precious dan excluded talk shit get hit tho john winchester from spn and both walter white & todd from breaking bad are all in my crew of hated characters. i jusT… the reani novel is difficult to read because i have to deal with this old sack of shit.

FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER Supernatural :-)

… AND THIS CONCLUDES A DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO!! //

#||: && the mundane ( ooc );#( get to know a bitch!! )#( this was... a lot of me rambling about weirdly personal shit at 2 am )

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bonesingerofyme-loc · 5 years

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Endgame is a movie about payoffs

An incomplete list of all the great ‘payoffs’ in this movie.

Hulk’s character arc/story is resolved offscreen and Hulk as a character is killed off. Shh no tears, only Banner now.

Loki’s death was meaningless

Thor’s character arc/story wasn’t even regressed, it was reset

Tony and Nebula’s relationship went nowhere

Vision’s body was shoved in a closet for five years I guess

Doctor Strange’s 14 million futures and 1 solution relied on a fucking rat

The main six avengers never got to be on screen fighting together

Natasha was killed off and her death is barely mentioned

Red Skull’s presence was revealed to simply be the writers going wOuLdN’t iT Be CoOl rather than having any deeper meaning or reason for it. Boy would it have made sense for the Avengers to maybe talk to the Stonekeeper since they know next to fuck all about the infinity stones. Or maybe resolve the whole ‘Steve and Red Skull’ thing, because it’s not like that was formative conflict for Steve Rogers.

Loki’s death was seriously fucking meaningless

Rocket sort of just existed. What did he do? Nothing. Who did he interact with? Barely anyone.

Gamora’s character arc/story is reset to a blank slate because she is a new person.

Drax’s whole reason for living was revenge and to strike back at Thanos. Never see Drax in Endgame except as part of the exhaustively long checklist of ‘HEY LOOK X PERSON IS HERE’

Clint going on a murderspree doesn’t matter at all except to give a reason why he isn’t in the first part of the movie. It has no bearing on the events and no one ever speaks to Clint about it. He doesn’t even act any differently from the mostly serious and broody Clint of the previous films. There isn’t even any tension about him coming back, Nat just says ‘Hi Clint come back’ and he’s like ‘k’.

Peter Quill, who I don’t even like, has only a single scene in the movie where his entire growth as a character and relationship with Gamora is reduced to stupid physical humor and a joke.

Carol Danvers was pointless. She exists to save Tony and Nebula, which Thor could’ve done with bifrost and to blow up Sanctuary, which could’ve been done far more interestingly. And yet the movie tried to weave her in pretty well by making her part of Natasha’s galactic avengers and then...did nothing with that idea. Was it too hard to consider maybe she shows up with whats left of NovaCorps or some Kree battleships?

Thanos proves that he was jobbing hard in Infinity War. What’s that, Thanos without any infinity stones could easily beat Tony in Mk85, Thor with both his weapons and Steve Rogers? I guess the entire fight on Titan was him just pissing around. It steals all the weight and strength that Infinity War gave the Avengers by showing that Thanos could’ve squashed any of them at any time and was never actually in danger.

‘Stark. You’re not the only one cursed with knowledge.’ What does that mean? Why does Thanos seem to respect him? Fucking who knows, since we see that in the past Thanos only vaguely knew about the Avengers and thought they were dumb nerds. I guess he read about Tony underneath a Snapple lid.

Back to Natasha’s death - she dies and the movie decides it needs to focus on fucking Bruce of all people, when she and Steve had become very close friends over the past seven years, and from the implications Steve was the only one that actually kept in contact with her post-Snap when the Avengers all retired or fucked off. Fucking Bruce.

Hey while we’re here, let’s keep up with Steve and his relationships. How about the fact he and Bucky never reunite on screen? How about the fact that all we have gotten between Steve and Bucky since Steve got his best friend back was what, three lines total between Infinity War and Endgame?

Or how about Steve and Sam! You know, Sam the therapist that helped break Steve out of his shell. Sam the loyal friend who stood by Steve through thick and thin. Sam, who kind of was Steve’s first ‘real’ friend in the modern day. Sam, who only shows up at the end so old Steve who abandoned his friends can chuck him a shield. No reunion. No real meaningful moment. Just hey I’m old take my shield.

Or Steve and Wanda! Did you guys forget that the secret Avengers adopted her? How they were kind of like a family for that time after Civil War, with Steve the Dad and Natasha the Mom and Wanda their adopted weird magical girl? You know, how they took Wanda under their wing and started teaching her and treating her like a real person? Guess they did forget!

What about Valkyrie too, by the way. Valkyrie who spent a thousand years as a cynical drunk and then Thor helped her out of her self-loathing funk in Ragnarok. And then she I guess just said ‘sucks to be you’ and didn’t even try to help him? Or how about that Thor just kind of chucks her the throne like a party favor. Not even like he recognized she earned it or anything, Thor just said ‘hey, fuck my responsibilities I want to go be a failure in space, so take my job lmao’. Nice. I hate Ragnarok with a passion, but for fuck’s sake.

Nidavellir. Establishes that Eitri is the last of the dwarven forgemasters left, and still has all his knowledge and skill. And that he forged the Gauntlet. And the plans for the Gauntlet are still there. Clearly, that means Tony should just whip together a nanite gauntlet in his basement overnight.

Carol Danvers and Nick Fury. You know, how Captain Marvel set them up as good friends, and then she allegedly shows up wanting to know where he is. Oops. That didn’t make the cut. Or her seeing Fury again after so many years. Double oops. Shit, this is even from the stinger of the last movie these yucks wrote, and they couldn’t even do it. Again - like Gagnarok and others, Cpt. Marvel is not even a movie I liked but COME ON NOW.

The intelligence/wisdom of the infinity stones. The space stone ‘judged’ Red Skull and cast him out. The soul stone has a ‘certain wisdom’. Ultron was made from the intelligence that lurked in the mind stone. Vision was linked to all the other stones and could sense almost a distress from each other stone as Thanos claimed them. NVM, stones destroyed lmao.

Infinity War went out of it’s way to make visually striking and different battle sequences and pulled out all the stops to really showcase powers. We got to see smart and interesting uses of all the stones during the battle on titan. Thanos actually had a wizard duel with Strange, showing that he is so much more than just a brute brawler. He blended caster and bruiser seemlessly. The color palatte was bright and arid, full of reds and oranges and blues and greens, well lit and extremely well choreographed. Tony showcases the amazing functionality of his Mk50 experimental armor. The battle at Avengers compound is dark, a color palette of grey, dark grey, light grey, and brown-grey. The choreography of the fight consisted of ‘surround Thanos and hit him with sticks’. We saw none of the MK85 suit. You know. The LAST suit Tony Stark would ever make. We saw none of Stormbreaker or Mjolnir’s power in Thor’s hands, only the most basic ‘fwoosh lightning’ from when Steve holds it. Where was Thor and his flying, his glowing eyes, Mjolnir-as-a-character that was present in all his fights in the past? Where was Steve’s mixed martial arts and his really acrobatic and distinct fighting style? Where was Tony constantly pulling new weapons and tricks out of his suit? The final fight of the Infinity Saga with the big three, and it’s as inspiring as a mid-aughties superhero duel. Just kind of slamming together and grunting. (I guess all the good fight choreographers were stolen by Alita)

‘I can do this all day’. The iconic line of Steve Rogers in the MCU, a touchstone for his character that is emblematic of his entire life and his drive, that says in six syllables the sum total meaning of what it is to be Captain America. Is played As A Joke.

Pepper Potts, whose character and relationship with Tony Stark to date can be summed up succinctly as ‘Tony no’ while he shouts ‘TONY YES’ now totally agrees with Tony and is all gung-ho about him deciding to risk his life, his daughter’s life, their lives, and the fucking universe to go a-time-travelling. What.

Steven Strange, whose movie was about him struggling to become a sorcerer and let go of his past and his preconceptions as well as the Ancient One seeing potential in him despite his roughness is shown to all be a charade. She actually knew all along he was going to be an OG badass and is so enamored with him that she’s willing to hand away the infinity stone she and her order have protected for millennia at the simple mention of his name.

Acausal time travel. Instead of enriching the previous movies by seamlessly blending into them for the time heist, Endgame goes out of it’s way to say ‘HAHA YEAH NO, THIS IS A BRANCHING TIMELINE’ so when you watch Dark World, Avengers, etc, there’s no intrigue of like ‘oh man, such and such is going on just around the corner’ because they so thoroughly bungled time travel and everything we saw in Endgame breaks the timelines. I can’t believe JK Rowling did a better job creating consistent and coherent time travel that carried narrative weight and tension in a children’s book.

Undoing the snap. All the speculation and theory about how, why, when, what, and it turns out all you have to do is just snap to bring everyone back and then act like the intervening five years of social decay and collapse never happened.

Theodore Ross is very specifically shown in Infinity War to be the Secretary of State. Hm. A character who’s always been an antagonist, always against the avengers...in a high ranking government position...right before 50% of the population is dusted...right, yeah, nothing. Not the President after the snap.

The snap itself. Smash cut to 5 years later, show some quick flybys and pay a bit of lip service to ‘oh yeah things are bad’ but that’s it. Don’t investigate it. Don’t show us how bad things are. Don’t explore it. In fact, everything seems pretty ok. People are still playing Fortnite five years later and cheerfully dabbing and taking selfies, so it’s all good right? Not like half of all life vanished instantly over night and the world is supposed to be falling apart. Nah.

Tony Stark’s death. Did he die to bring back the universe? Did he die to save his friends? Did he die to save his daughter or his family? Nope, he killed himself to kill the already beaten Thanos and his final words were all about himself. bUt ThE cAlLbAcK

Thanos. Killed off. Replaced by a cartoon villain version of himself. The Thanos that is the main antagonist that the Avengers beat? Not the Thanos who we got to know and who starred as the center of Infinity War.

Nebula. Best character in the film. Has no conclusion. No catharsis or reaction to Thanos’ death.

Groot. Split second shot of him and Rocket. No reunion.

Groot, again, and the rest of the Guardians. No chance to see Rocket’s reaction to the realization his entire family is gone or the effect it has on him. What was that scene in Infinity War? “Me? I got a lot to lose. I got a lot.” No relevance.

Stormbreaker. Major plotpoint of Infinity War. OP axe forged by Thor nearly sacrificing his life to a star. Yeets through a blast from a full-stone gauntlet. Is just a beatstick in Endgame, does nothing.

Infinity stones, again. Infinity War made them front and center, showing their many uses and delving deeper into the lore of them. Endgame makes them paperweights that can only snap.

I could go on and on and on. This is just off the top of my head, right now. Payoffs? I guess if you count the writers violently elbowing you in the ribs and shouting HEY ITS THAT SCENE FROM THAT OTHER MOVIE like you’re a drooling idiot as a ‘payoff’ it’s ripe with them, but actual meaningful payoff for a decade of characters and storytelling? Hah. No.

Edit: I will continue to update this as I think of/recall more examples

#marvel #mcu #avengers: endgame #endgame #HOW IRONIC FEIGE #endgame was shit #captain america #tony stark #bruce banner #natasha romanoff #thor #clint barton #avengers

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bethkerring · 5 years

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10 Tips for Writing Characters with Depression

Depression isn’t exactly the easiest topic to write about, in fiction or otherwise.

I’ve struggled with writing about it personally, and I’ve experienced it, so I know it must be a hundred times harder for people who have never been through it. I’ve seen depression, as well as other forms of mental illness, pop up more and more in books, movies, TV shows, and other forms of popular media, and the quality of that representation is … extremely varied. Sometimes it’s done so beautifully it affects the way I view my own experiences, and sometimes it’s so bad that I worry for how many people it harmed.

I’ve also heard writers talk about how scared they are to write about depression, because they want to do the topic justice and aren’t sure how to present it accurately if they don’t have personal experience. I’m not an expert by any means, but frankly, I don’t think anyone is. Everyone’s experience with depression is different, but I hope that sharing some of the things I’ve learned from my experience and others’ can help writers create characters with realistic and properly represented mental illness.

That said, a quick disclaimer: these tips are, again, based on my personal experience and those of people I know. They are not universal, and not everyone agrees on everything. If you’re writing a story that features one or more characters with depression, please do your own research and listen to as many different experiences as you can.

Also, trigger warnings for, obviously, discussion of depression, as well as brief discussion of suicide.

Good? Good. Let’s go.

1. Depression is an illness, but that doesn’t mean it’s just like having the flu. I’ve heard people compare mental illness to physical illness to make the point that we don’t take mental illness seriously, treatment is harder to get, we blame people for mental illness where we don’t with physical illness, etc. And these are all perfectly valid points. But it’s also important to recognize that the metaphor does, at some point, break down. Mental illness is, indeed, an illness, but the way people experience it and the way it affects their lives is often very different from, say, catching a cold. It’s often a long-term condition, for one, and we know a lot less about the mind than the body. There are some similarities, and mental illness should be taken just as seriously as physical, but mental illness also comes with some unique factors that often make it more difficult to treat.

2. There are countless treatment options, and there is no one universal “cure.” If someone discovers that they have depression, the solution isn’t as simple as “get therapy” or “get medication.” Those are two possible treatment options, but the treatment will depend on the severity of the depression, how long it’s lasted, the individual’s life situation, and, most importantly, what the individual prefers. Some people don’t want to go on medication but like the idea of therapy. Some people can’t find/afford therapy and want to try medication instead. Some people do both. Some people seek other treatment options or decide to give it time before deciding, especially if the depression is clearly related to a life situation. Everyone is different, and treatment options are exactly that: treatment, not cures. What works for one person will not necessarily work for another, and even if a treatment “works,” that doesn’t mean the depression goes away forever.

3. Therapy can be expensive and hard to get - and finding the right therapist is even harder. I’ve only had one experience of searching for a therapist as an adult, and let me tell you, the process itself ended up actually contributing to my depression. Though every country is different in terms of access to good therapy (counseling, especially), my country—America—has a long way to go. First you have to find a good counselor in your area, then you have to see if your insurance (if you have insurance) will cover treatment with that particular counselor, then you have to see if you can afford what the out-of-pocket cost will be, then you have to make an appointment that works with their hours and your schedule (some therapists don’t work weekends or evenings), then you actually go to the therapist and hope that they are a good match. If you’re very lucky, this is the end of the process.

If you’re like many, though, you realize the counselor isn’t a good fit, and the process begins all over again. All while you’re suffering through the mental illness you need treatment for.

It should also be recognized that therapists aren’t perfect: they’re human beings with differing personalities and approaches to treatment, and finding the right therapist is just as important as actually, well, finding a therapist. Because of the position they’re in and how much influence they have on someone’s life, the wrong therapist can potentially make someone’s mental illness worse, or create problems that weren’t there already. Even if a person finds the right therapist, the benefits of that therapy often don’t show themselves immediately, and that good therapist can still make mistakes (saying the wrong thing, making false assumptions, bringing in their personal biases, etc.). Basically, don’t have your character enter therapy and magically end up cured. Therapy can be fantastically helpful and important for someone with depression, but it’s not quick, it’s not always easy, and it’s not perfect.

4. Medication is not a miracle cure. I hope that most people reading already know this, but just in case, it’s worth repeating. Many people with depression have found medication helpful, but there is no “magic pill” to “cure” depression that works for everyone. There are many, many different types of medication, which work in a variety of different ways. Many of them can take weeks to have a noticeable affect, and an individual might need to try several medications—and dosages—before they find what works for them.

Side effects are also very common and can sometimes outweigh the benefits. Even if the side effects aren’t bad enough to stop the medication, they might still be annoying, so be sure to look up the side effects of any medication your character might be taking. Finally, not everyone benefits from or wants to take medication: unmedicated depression is not necessarily untreated depression.

5. Lifestyle changes are also not a miracle cure - but that doesn’t mean they don’t help. I want to be very clear here: telling someone with depression to “just go for a walk” is, frankly, disrespectful toward their suffering. But so is suggesting that they should “just get therapy” or “just get medication.” Treating depression is never simple, and though going for a walk isn’t going to cure longtime depression, exercise and sunlight, among other lifestyle changes, can make a difference to someone suffering from it. Depending on the reason for and the type of depression, someone might find it very helpful to get more sunlight, to take up exercise, to eat healthier, or to spend more time socializing. Conversely, if someone spends all day secluded in their room with blackout curtains and junk food, their depression is unlikely to get better, and may, in fact, get worse. Depression and lifestyle can even become a vicious cycle, where someone feels unsociable because they’re depressed, so they don’t go out, which makes them more depressed. The same goes with not feeling up to exercising because of depression, so lack of exercise ends up contributing to the depression, and eating junk food for comfort, and that junk food making the depression worse. Again, lifestyle may not be a miracle cure (or the sole cause), but consider how your character’s lifestyle may interact with, contribute to, or help their depression.

6. Depression can be caused by a wide range of things, and often more than one. I often hear depression described, almost exclusively, as a “chemical imbalance.” And it’s true that a chemical imbalance can cause depression and, technically speaking, any form of emotion is caused by chemicals in the brain and body. But I don’t believe it’s that simple. Many studies have linked depression to experiences and trauma in both childhood and adulthood. This doesn’t mean that chemicals don’t play a part, or that these experiences don’t affect brain chemistry (they absolutely do), but there is no single cause for depression, and often it is result of a combination of genes, environment, and other factors. Keep that in mind when creating your characters and their backstories. Does your character have a family history of depression? Does this make their family more or less supportive? Has your character dealt with life experiences that contributed to their depression? Is your character dealing with a difficult situation during the story that causes a depressive episode or makes it worse? You don’t have to know the exact balance of nature and nurture—no one does in real life—but consider these factors and remember that depression and its causes are much more complex than you might think.

7. Depression is more than a single episode. That’s not to say someone can’t have just one long (or short) depressive episode, which is then treated and disappears forever, or goes away on its own. That’s certainly possible, but it’s not the norm. Many people with depression experience it as “episodes,” which can be short or long. Those episodes might come about due to a specific event or apparently randomly, and they might end due to treatment or just disappear without a clear cause.

That’s not to say that treatment can’t help prevent future episodes, or make them less severe. But many people with depression don’t expect that their depression will ever completely go away. It might, but for many people, depression is something to treat and to cope with. It may go away for years and then suddenly come back. It may just hit occasionally and, hopefully, less severely as better treatment or coping resources are available. But in my experience, it’s rare that your depression is “cured” just because you feel better. That particular episode has ended, but someone who has proven to be “prone” to depressive episodes is likely to have them again in the future.

8. Stigma toward depression is still alive and well. I’ve referenced this already, but it’s worth repeating: though stigma toward depression (and other mental illness) is getting better, it definitely still exists. People are still accused of “faking it” or “being dramatic” if they claim to have a mental illness, and mental illness is still often brushed aside as not necessarily serious. Plus, the simple fact is that society is much more accommodating and understanding toward physical illness than mental illness: it’s considered more acceptable to ask for a day off of work for a stomach bug than a bad depressive episode, even if they might be similarly debilitating. This differs significantly depending on where your story is taking place, of course, but assuming you’re writing about a real, modern society, many don’t take mental illness as seriously as they should. But this is not universal, and if you’re writing about a society you don’t belong to, please do your research regarding how people in that society react to someone suffering from depression—and remember that your character's family and friends might have personal prejudices that their society doesn’t share.

9. Suicide is a real and important issue - but please be careful writing it. It’s very important to have good representation for people who suffer suicidal feelings. This is a serious phenomenon and people dealing with it should have characters they can empathize with. However, this should not be done lightly, and if you’re going to deal with it in your story, please do your research ahead of time, because bad representation can do a lot more harm than none at all. There are dozens of ways suicide can be written badly, but I especially want to warn against romanticizing suicide and its effects on survivors. Many people who deal with suicidal feelings think that, if they kill themselves, the people who hurt them will finally see the pain they caused and either get their “just desserts” or become better people. Though this feeling is common, this is very dangerous to present as a reality—not only because it (unintentionally) might help convince someone suffering from suicidal feelings that suicide will accomplish their goal, but also because it’s almost always false. Suicide rarely leads survivors to suddenly regret all any harmful actions—even if it does, it often doesn’t happen to the people who caused genuine harm. Usually, the people who wallow in guilt are the people who genuinely cared for the person and did their best to help them, and they will be stuck with that guilt for the rest of their lives—sometimes leading that survivor of suicide to attempt suicide themself. Most often, suicide leaves the survivors confused, angry, grieving, and understanding even less than they did when the person was alive—and in the rare case that they do understand the harm they caused, and regret it, there is still nothing to be done. The person is dead and the survivors live on in guilt. Nothing is solved. Nothing is fixed. There is just more pain. So please, be careful when writing suicidal feelings, attempted or completed suicides, or the reactions and survivors—do your research, read real people’s stories, and consider the effect your writing will have on those reading it.

10. Yes, you can live a full and happy life and still deal with depression. This might sound like some cheesy motivational post, but it’s completely true and very important, both for people suffering from depression and people who write characters who suffer from depression. Just because your character has depression does not mean that they will live a life of constant misery—and your character’s depression does not have to be cured for them to have a happy ending. A “happy ending” for someone with depression might be finding a form of treatment that helps, or coming to understand that things will get better, or learning to ask for help from those that love them. Even learning that they aren’t broken because of their depression can be a valuable and life-changing lesson. Be realistic when thinking about where your character ends up, but also keep in mind that many, many people live with depression and, with time and support, can find a treatment plan and coping resources that allow them to enjoy life and be happy.

Original post on my website.

#writing #writing tip #writing mental illness #depression #writerblr

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myfearless-love · 6 years

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A Trip to Your Heart

Summary: Emma Swan is forging a devious plan to save the sanity of her best friend, Mary Margaret, or at least to stop her form quoting those stupid swashbuckling pirate tales. The core of her plan is to hunt down and neutralize the internet famous writer, dashingpiratecaptain aka Killian Jones. But soon her ideas go down the drain, because she certainly hasn’t counted on developing feelings for the man whose entire writing career she is about to destroy.

Rating: M

Word count: ~8.2k

Also on: FF.net and AO3

A/N: I’m so excited to finally share this little story with all of you!! It’s my first time participating in something like this so I’m hoping you’ll like the fic I created for this wonderful event. A huge thanks to @captainswanbigbang for organizing all of this and bringing us fans all together!

A big ass thanks to my my beta @1handedpiratewithadrinkingprob for helping me throughout creating this story and making sure that what I wrote is actually making sense and is presentable for all of you to read!

And an enormous thanks to @katie-dub who created ths kick-ass and beautiful art for my fic! Check out her art HERE And if you’re there, check out her other works because she’s super talented!

A Trip to Your Heart

Why is it that people always want the things they don't actually need?

This is the million dollar question Emma is pondering on as she sits down on one of the beach chairs with a rum-based cocktail in hand, christened as Salty Dog for some reason. She feasts her eyes on the open water and endless white sand as the wind is playing with the ends of her hair and the salt water is gently spraying her face – it's something she's absolutely not used to in the crowded and hectic city of New York.

She's aware that people must be giving her strange looks as they pass by her and she can hardly blame them. Her attire practically screams she's not really dressed for the beach: the frame of her big, red sunglasses almost cut a hole through her straw hat, her upper body is wrapped in a thin yellow blouse (its shade is so vivid that Emma is sure the material would glow in the dark) and her long legs are covered with a long, black summer skirt. The largest surface on her skin that remains uncovered are her feet, and not intentionally. She fell asleep on the ferry here, and in her hurry to get off the vessel she forgot to put her sandals back on.

Walking all the way here on the hot pavement and sand was quite a pain in the ass but what could she have done? She wanted her drink more.

Despite her looks, her brain is functioning quite well, but as it happens, she needs to make a certain someone believe otherwise. This person is called dashingpiratecaptain and she's been working on hunting him down for over a year now.

She's incredibly annoyed it took her this long to finally find him, considering she does this for a living on a daily basis.

The first time dashingpiratecaptain, or in short, KJ (as he usually signs his thank you comments) appeared on her radar was last June. He is considered a veteran writer in the world of online writing and his stories are a favorite of her best friend. Such original works emerged from his keyboard like The Crimson Flag, Isle of the Black Sand, Give No Quarter. If the titles and his username didn't make it clear, he specializes in pirate stories spiced with black humor.

Like really bloody pirate stories.

Mary Margaret is completely hooked on them. After a while, she just started vomiting quotes from his works, even during breakfast, which very nearly made Emma climb the walls of their shared apartment in annoyance and exasperation.

(She really can't wait for her brother to finally pop the question and have the flat all to herself).

Now imagine a twenty-something woman with a pixie haircut as she jabs her fork into her scrambled eggs and shouts "Avast ye, landlubbers! 'Tis cackle fruit is for me liking!"

Of course, Emma's first thought was to find a shrink as soon as possible (and the second to look up what the hell Mary Margaret said).

Her acquaintance, Archie Hopper, who is actually a therapist, said that there's nothing wrong with the brunette – her fanaticism, while a little intense, is still normal. Emma would beg to differ though, and she doesn't really want to imagine then what counts as 'not-normal' in Hopper's dictionary.

So the whole parade with the stupid pirate stories and references just went on. Just before the end of summer and the start of their last year in college, Emma's least favorite writer published his newest creation named 'Honor Among Thieves' which is about a brunette bandit woman who tries to seek passage on a pirate ship to escape being hanged by the authorities.

Let's just say that Mary Margaret felt a strong connection with this character pretty quickly. By November, almost her entire wardrobe was replaced with white (it's the character's favorite color apparently) and medieval looking clothes, and she all but stopped hanging out with others (except with her boyfriend and Emma obviously).

Nice words, threatening, stealing her laptop – none of that worked.

Emma felt like her friend was slowly withdrawing from reality, the only thing she wanted to talk about were these stupid swashbuckling tales.

So Emma decided she needed to single-handedly remove the source of the problem – alias dashingpiratecaptain.

But how?

First, know your enemy. The most effective way of getting close to a writer, she suspected, is through his works. So she read. A lot.

KJ got one or two brownie points from her – she found his jokes original, the mood of the stories were enjoyably twisted, the ratings were fairly correct.

In truth, there was not much she could hold against him except what he did to her best friend. But that alone demanded retribution.

In the next step, she started adding comments to a few of his chapters, then after a bunch of praise, she decided it was time to bring in the big guns and composed a fan letter to him.

But soon their exchanging of emails turned into a regular thing. In the end, she found herself quite frequently enjoying their correspondence.

And what had she found out?

The following things in a nutshell:

He graduated in Natural Resource Recreation and Tourism (she didn't even know they teach these kinds of things).

He was born in a small town in England and moved to the States a few years ago (he didn't specify the reason).

He wanted to take tourists on his ship and sail the high seas but an accident (again, he didn't specify) had thrown a wrench in his plans.

He has an older brother.

He's the proud owner of three dogs - adopted from three different places (how admirable).

Besides writing, he likes hiking and playing his guitar.

The question then arises; what did he manage to learn about her in turn?

Well, only the fact that she is completely nuts.

In the midst of midterms and getting her degree in Criminal Justice, she didn't have the energy to keep up with all of her lies. So, she fed him a different tale each time. Eventually, she got tired of it and went absolutely bananas.

She thinks he enjoyed it.

Because why else would he continue to reply to her emails and agree to meet with her?

That is why she's spending her downtime under the burning sun and among an endless number of squealing children running free whilst trying to enjoy her alcoholic beverage. Apparently, KJ (or one of his relatives) owns a vacation home near this beach and he's currently spending the last days of July here with his brother and sister-in-law.

And so on impulse, Emma thought she could visit him. Because crazy people are supposed to be spontaneous, aren't they?

Her phone shows ten o'clock - exactly when their little 'date' is supposed to happen. For guidance, she described her huge sunglasses and glow-in-the-dark blouse. He said he would wear his favorite leather jacket - probably no one would be stupid enough to run around the beach in that kind of clothing except him.

She peeps around.

She has the image of the leather jacket in her mind down to its every thread, but the rest is shrouded in mystery. She hasn't the faintest idea of how he looks. Usually, she pictures him somewhere between Calico Jack and Jack Sparrow, with tanned skin and scars, maybe even with a parrot on his shoulder.

As she continues to wait for her target, she wills the last remaining ice cube from the bottom of her glass and pops it in her mouth.

"Warriorprincess?" a deep voice echoes behind her suddenly.

She throws her head back on the chair, and the straw hat she's been wearing flops down to the sand. A pair of insanely gorgeous blue eyes are blinking down at her, and she has to do a double take. She's so stunned that it takes her half a minute to realize that this freakishly good-looking man just called her by her own username.

Warriorprincess.

It sounded quite catchy when she first thought of it.

She leans her head back a little more to take a better look at the notorious dashingpiratecaptain, but the movement causes the ice cube in her mouth to slide backward on her tongue. She quickly turns on her side, gasping and choking, trying to overcome her shortness of breath. After she succeeds, she pushes herself up and accepts his hand when he gives it to her to help her stand up from the beach chair.

And that's when she realizes his other hand, covered in something that looks a lot like a black glove. Which is odd, because his right hand is bare, except a ring on his thumb.

Then she remembers something he wrote in one of his letters - a sailing accident.

Oh.

So, that must be a prosthesis.

"You okay, lass?"

She nods, embarrassed, both at almost choking on a stupid ice cube and because she was practically ogling his fake hand.

If he noticed, he doesn't comment.

"Killian Jones," he introduces himself instead.

She can barely force back the groan that is threatening to escape her mouth. It's not enough that he's freaking handsome with his perfectly disheveled midnight hair and dark scruff along his sharp jawline, he, of course, has to have an accent like that.

And she didn't even mention the glorious chest hair peeking out of his half unbuttoned shirt.

She forces a crazy smile onto her face. "Anna Clarke," Her favorite but unfortunately very much deceased tutor in the foster home probably doesn't mind if she borrows her name for a few hours. Taking on the personality of the woman who she always thought was dancing on the verge of craziness but was the friendliest and gentlest human being she met in her life was probably what Emma needs right now to pull off this entire scheme.

He removes his sweaty hand from hers. "I'll soon perish in this jacket…" he explains, adorably scratching a spot behind his ear and gracefully shrugs the leather off.

For a brief moment, she thinks he's going to get rid of his dark blue shirt too, mentally preparing for that eyegasm she's just sure she will be getting - but he only pops two more buttons.

He snatches her stuff from the sand and nods toward the buffets and other booths along the beach. "Shall we go?"

Although she doesn't have any clue where he's taking her, she follows as quickly as possible. She thinks she can actually hear her feet sizzling atop the hot sand and pavement as they reach the stores and stands selling souvenirs and other useless things.

Killian comes to a halt beside her. "Where are your shoes?"

"I have none. I'm experimenting with the hippie lifestyle."

"And how's that working out for you so far?"

"Pretty great."

He watches her with amusement in his eyes as she shifts from one foot to the other. Eventually, the heat gets unbearable and she's forced to flee into the coolness of a nearby store.

Killian marches after her and targets the sandal collection in the middle of the place.

"I'm good without shoes," she insists, pulling him back by the elbow before he can pick up a footwear.

She's about to sabotage his online writing career, she doesn't need the additional guilt in the mix.

"Then what will it be? Should I carry you on my back?" he gives her a once-over and in a low and teasing tone he adds: "Though, a herniotomy might be a tad more expensive than a new pair of sandals."

She huffs and snatches off her sunglasses, giving him her best fake death-glare. "Hah, I'll have you know I'm as light as a feather."

She's really tempted to call his bluff though, she would really like to test out his back muscles.

God, it has been far too long since she got laid. It makes her mind quite one-sided and distracts her from her main task and the reason she's actually here.

"The cheapest, then?" he bargains, pointing at a green one with an ugly ribbon on top. It's really repulsive and not at all her style, but his intense blue gaze and the fact that she very much prefers to have skin on the bottom of her feet decides for her.

She fishes out her wallet and completes her purchase so quick that even The Flash would get jealous, just so it wouldn't even cross Killian's mind to buy it for her.

Somehow she knows he would.

He only shakes his head and smiles as she slips her now empty purse back to its previous place. Her life, consisting of constantly running away and living on the streets had taught her to be thrifty, which means, beyond her travel cost she gave herself a $10 limit.

Looks like now she has to reach that five o'clock train, or else she can walk all the way back to her apartment.

She walks silently beside him and notices a deep frown across his forehead as he probably broods over something. They're strolling through the walkway alongside the beach. On their left, a multitude of vacation homes and a huge forest stretches out. The air is mixed with the scent of pine and the ocean and Emma inhales, closing her eyes in the process.

Only to open them when her stomach decides to play the sound of a dying whale. She feels her face heat up.

"Are you hungry?" Killian asks, a child-like enthusiasm hiding in his voice.

"You could say that." Clearly, that one grilled cheese she had in the morning wasn't enough to get her through the day.

"My sister-in-law likes to play Martha Stewart and usually makes enough food to feed an entire army, even if it's just the three of us now," he informs her, rambling. "They already know about you, so ah, they insisted I invite you… if you want that is." He finds that same spot behind his ear and Emma thinks it's a sure sign of his nervousness.

But his invitation kind of leaves her like a living statue, probably looking very much like the figure from the painting called The Scream. He watches her reaction and lets out a hearty laugh.

She doesn't join him in his fun.

Horror is taking residence on her face. Emma only prepared to spend a few hours with him alone - emphasis on alone. During that time she would somehow get her hands on his phone, delete all of his stories in secret, and change his password for good measure. She already knew he was kind of a lazy shit when it comes to his phone, always using the "remember me" function - and besides, it's his fetish to answer every critic as soon as humanly possible, so he checks each story on his phone twice a day.

Her plan would've been perfect. But she didn't count in the brother and in-law. How the hell is she supposed to screw over a great guy while his family is around?

He puts a tentative but encouraging hand on her shoulder. "Relax, love, they won't eat you alive."

Mary Margaret - she reminds herself. Her best friend's common sense and social life are on the table.

She will deal with her conscience later.

To keep her gloomy thoughts at bay, she inquires about the menu.

"Tomato soup, the good old Spaghetti Carbonara and ice cream for desserts," her stomach gives an appreciative gurgle at that line-up. "I wasn't sure about that particular type of pasta though because up until last month you were vegetarian," he considers. Fortunately for Emma, her sunglasses and hat are able to somewhat cover her grimace. Where the hell did these brilliant ideas of hers come from? "But last week you shared your experience about a new diner and their heavenly Buffalo wings, so…"

She flashes him a cryptic and maniacal smile. She thinks he's satisfied with her answer.

They come to a halt before a lovely, two-story house. On the other side of the fence, there are three dogs, currently playing the "who can bark louder" game. The smallest is a Bichon Bolognese, its fur all white like the snow, the middle - quite the chubby thing - is a light brown terrier of some sort (or so Emma guesses, not that she knows much about dogs, though, but one of her foster families had a similar looking one). And the last one - the biggest - is a three-legged mixed breed with beautiful dark fur. Killian mentioned that this one is the closest to his heart and now she can see why.

While Killian slips through the entrance to try and tame the wild beasts, Emma attempts to match the names with the dogs from his emails. She remembers rolling her eyes when she got to know what they are called - he clearly loves Peter Pan too.

She crouches down and the pudgy one tries to reach her with its tongue through the bars, wagging its tail in the process. "Jolly?" she guesses.

Its mate, the one that looks like a living cotton candy, goes absolutely ballistic by her presence, pacing anxiously up and down in front of her. "Smee?" At that. the dog stops and leaps, bouncing off the fence as it prevents the wild thing from attacking her.

"Smee!" Killian scolds, and the dog cowers at his commanding tone. Emma can actually imagine him as the persona he so likes to write about in his stories, the dashing pirate captain standing on the deck of his ship in all black ordering his crew around.

She shakes her head. Now is not the time for fantasies.

The other two mutts seem friendly enough - Roger, the black one, even glares at her with loving doe eyes. Emma decides to venture inside, and to her relief, none of them bite into her ankles.

"You were right. They didn't eat me alive," she nods.

"Yet. The worst is yet to come, love."

He lays his hand on the small of her back lightly as he guides her further on to the house. She can see a nicely set table on the veranda peeking through the many plants and flowers decorating the front of the house.

It looks quite cozy.

She takes a deep breath and starts taking off her accessories.

As she reaches up to remove her hat, her one size too small blouse rides up slightly at the movement, exposing a sliver of skin by her hip bones. Killian's attention is immediately drawn to the bared area.

"Stairs," she warns him.

But it's too late.

He trips, and in order to not land face first on the ground, he somehow leaps to the table and grabs onto it, pushing it away a good half meters in the process.

Emma looks up and there's a man, probably in his late thirties, standing in the doorway, shaking his head. From his expression, Emma assumes he's been standing there since the beginning of Killian's little stunt. "Now, now, little brother. I don't remember asking you to redecorate. That table was exactly in the right place."

Emma can see as two red spots appear on Killian's cheeks as he finds that spot behind his ear with his finger. "I'm going to help Elsa…" he grumbles and stumbles into the house.

Emma and the man shares an amused and conspiratorial glance. He puts down a bowl full of soup next to the vase on the table and shakes hands with her. "Liam Jones."

"Anna Clarke," she continues to promote her dead tutor's name further with her ever-growing shame. Lying to only Killian didn't seem like such a serious crime, but doing it to his family is another thing. "Thank you for the invitation and sorry for barging in on your vacation."

"Nonsense!" his blue eyes, a deeper shade than Killian's, are glowing with warmth and a smile stretches onto his face, peppered with light brown scruff. "My git of a brother was practically counting down the days and it's always good to see a fresh face around the house," The words leave his mouth like a jingling serenity, accent very much the same as his brother's, and she immediately feels welcome.

It certainly is a first.

From inside, light rock music starts to filter through. Liam whirls around just as Killian appears by the doorstep again and waves a black phone in front of his face. "Your mate, Robin, was calling you."

And suddenly like thunderbolt, the sight of the dark device reminds her of the reason for her visit: to remove all of KJ's writing from the cyberspace and change his password.

The thought sends a wave of nausea through her. She doesn't even realize as Liam's wife approaches her. "Are you alright?"

"Of course!" she almost yells, forcing a huge smile onto her face. She quickly thrusts out her hand. "I'm Anna Clarke."

"Elsa Arendelle-Jones," she gives Emma a smile and suddenly Elsa has her in a firm and friendly hug. Emma is so stunned that at first, she doesn't know what to do, but then her arms tentatively snake around the woman's shoulder. The gentle squeeze ended with the other woman's thorough examination of Emma's attire. "I like your style."

Emma feels a strong need of correcting her – not hers, it's Anna Clarke's, her evil and crazy side.

"My dearest sister-in-law," Killian growls beside them, though there's no heat behind his words. "Can you do me a favor and stop harassing our guest?"

Elsa elbows him in the ribs gently and Killian lets out a laugh. She really likes his deep melodic laugh, Emma decides, while the two continues to bicker like little siblings.

"Now," Liam claps his hands together. "Let's eat," he practically shoves her towards his brother and he graciously pulls out the chair for her next to him. "Eat as much as you like," he urges. "Don't be shy!"

Liam only seems satisfied when her plate is full to the brim with all kinds of food (Elsa really overdid herself). He's such a mother hen, Emma thinks. And also, the fact that she hasn't had a good home cooked meal since she could remember is probably written all over her face.

When the dessert is served, she draws whipped cream circles vigorously on her plate until the strawberry ice cream is completely lost under the white colored foam. Killian is quietly chuckling next to her and when his knee accidentally bumps with hers under the table, her hand jolts at the sudden body contact and a small amount of whipped cream lands on his face.

"Oops," she puts her hand theatrically to her mouth. Killian blinks at her in surprise and his family lets out a laugh simultaneously.

After his face is clean again and declares that he intends to get even with her, the topic of their conversation drifts to everyday life, especially where it concerns her. She would even enjoy the special attention if she wasn't burdened with forging lies upon lies. They are half-lies, in fact. She's really attending a university in New York, but instead of dorms, she's renting a decent apartment with her best friend. And although she did want to study law and become a lawyer, her scholarship was only enough to go through with criminal justice instead.

Emma is more and more certain that she must be one of the best at being undercover, if her current situation is any indication.

Or not.

By the time they are finished with the whole three-course meal and Killian showed her around the house, she is all fidgety – all the lies she created has piled up inside her and every time she recalls them, guilt cuts through her like a sharp blade.

She starts chanting her best friend's name in her head, willing her determination to find its way back to her.

It doesn't work, goddamnit.

Her stomach shrinks with fear – her resolve is nowhere to be found.

What the freaking hell is she doing here?

She's jolted out of her thoughts by a light touch on her forearm. A soft smile is dancing at the corner of Killian's lips as he looks at her and all she wants to do is fling herself into his arms and confess her sins.

"Did you bring swimming suit?" he inquires and she nods. "Then let's go back to the beach!"

After she stutters her gratitude for the invitation to his brother and sister-in-law, Killian links their arms and drags her out of the house.

All the way to the seashore she's studying her blood red toenails as Killian walks beside her silently, his hand occasionally brushing hers in the process.

She doesn't mind the close proximity.

She's gradually becoming very aware of how much she's grown to like him, way before they met a few hours ago; and in parallel, a recognition takes root in her – she's in a hopeless situation. Her brilliant 'Operation: Save Mary Margaret's sanity' project is officially doomed as well as any kind of fantasy about Killian.

In the end, the only one she double-crossed is herself.

Congratulation, Emma, you did it!

She's hoping she can blame all of this on the nuisances and headaches that her graduation had caused her. Until then, if Emma can't get out of this game victoriously, Anna Clarke can still have some fun, right?

Killian turns his impossibly blue gaze on her, and when he notices her grin, he breathes out in relief. "I was beginning to be afraid my family has upset you with something."

"Of course not," she protests. "But if you don't mind I'm gonna go and change." With a graceful movement, she seizes her bag from his hold (he had insisted on carrying it for her, and while she typically wouldn't like this, she couldn't resist his intense gaze and the I'm a gentleman, love dripping from his lips) and slips in the nearest dressing room.

After a while, Killian emerges from the men's room and fuck, she's absolutely certain that happy trail goes beyond his waistline. They're trying to disguise their mutual ogling by doing mundane tasks in the process; Killian by neatly folding his clothes and Emma by searching for something in her bag. With a raised eyebrow, she removes a sponge ball from under her water bottle and holds it up to him.

His eyes brighten and the sight knocks the wind out of her lungs. Again. The contrast of his blue eyes and the darkness of his hair are in perfect harmony.

As she takes all of him in, she realizes he removed his prosthetic hand and even with the scars and angry marks at the end of his wrist he's still a freaking walking-talking genetic wonder. He glances back at her sheepishly when he notices where her gaze has wandered to, but when he doesn't find disdain or revolt or whatever he's assuming on her expression, he visibly relaxes and takes off towards the water faster than superhuman Usain Bolt. He dives into the sea when he's at knee depth, and laughing at his antics, Emma drops her bag into the sand and joins him. The salty water hits her heated skin and she doesn't even care that she forgot to apply sunscreen. It wouldn't be the first time she has to deal with a little sunburn.

"Baywatching to the deep water?" he offers and she approves his suggestion.

The scene, where she gallops forward in slow motion fits perfectly into her 'nutty as fruitcake' profile. They glance at each other occasionally and mouth silent and overly articulated words to each other. The people in their area are trying to avoid them and all the splashing water they're leaving in their wake - except the children. Emma reads something like this from their expressions: So we'll behave exactly like we do now when we're adults, only dumber and no one will scold us for it? Yay!

The deep water, in this case, reaches a little above Killian's navel and for Emma, the surface grazes her breasts. They're backing away from each other unhurriedly and she holds the ball in her hand ready to throw. Killian estimates the distance between and takes a couple more steps backward. He clearly thinks he can outwit her with a few more added feet.

"Let it fly, love!"

She swings her arm and the ball lands with a splash directly in front of him. He stares at her skeptically as if sensing some trickery in the air. "You've been working on this all summer, haven't you?" It's his turn to toss the ball, but he somehow miscalculates the gap between them and his fling turns out too short.

"And you clearly haven't been working out all summer, have you?" she taunts.

He purses his lips into a thin line; his man pride demands retribution. The next throw isn't directed at her, but rather at another freaking continent. She snorts resignedly because really, she can barely see that damn ball now it flew so far away. "Are you serious?"

"You were doubting my competence."

"What competence?"

"You seriously wound me, love," he feigns offense. She waves in a sign of surrender and dives in the water.

The last time she pulled off such a distance in freestyle swimming was probably in grade school, so it's not really a surprise when her urge to brag is overcome by weariness as she reaches her target.

But she decides, no matter how stupid it would seem, that she will inch back on her feet. She lowers her legs and sinks immediately. She thrashes until she's below surface again and attempts to scramble forward. Then a horrible thought flashes through her mind - what if one of her limbs starts cramping?

She only had to wish it.

Her calf twitches with a dull ache as if this is the first time it's used after months. Her brain is suddenly clouded by sheer panic.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - she repeats to herself over and over again. The land doesn't seem to be getting any closer, her toes are groping for the ground in vain. It's like the sea is tugging her inwards, right into its belly. She can already envision with vivid clarity the news article about her death: Deceased young woman was masquerading as somebody else; her friends are standing astonished by her double life.

She's flailing without any consideration or co-ordination - her only goal is to somehow remain above surface and get air into her lungs.

"Anna, it's alright!" Killian's voice is coming from afar, even though she senses he's somewhere close to her. She continues to thrash uncontrollably.

"Clarke!" he shouts. She doesn't fully realize what is happening; she's busy fighting for survival. She clings desperately to the first solid thing her hands can reach. And at some point, freaking finally, her feet burrow into sand again. Her traitor of a calf starting to regain consciousness again.

"Bloody hell," he puffs out. She's still clinging to his neck like her life depends on it, and fuck, it was. His wet raven black hair is bundled with her blonde curls, creating an exquisite contrast. She untangles herself from his body, quite reluctantly, she might add.

He turns his gaze at her and their eyes lock. After a few silent moments of staring at the other, they both let out a laugh at the situation and can't seem to stop for several moments. When their amusement subsides, they straighten and look into each other's eyes. She swallows at the intensity of his gaze, but is unable to glance away. She holds her breath as his hand reaches under her wet hair below her ear, his thumb caresses lightly on her cheek.

His eyes search hers, silently asking for permission and she should pull away and run back to the beach and then to New York, but because she's a weak idiot, she stays. He leans into her, his lips drawing near and hers open in anticipation. He stops inches away, his blue eyes drift down to her mouth as though he's savoring the moment. Her heart beats faster than ever when he finally presses his lips to hers in a long kiss. It's gentle and slow first, she feels her hands begin to slide up his naked chest and encircle around his neck as the kiss begins to grow heavy. She exhales through her nose when his hand slips off her cheek and tightens around her waist. She doesn't want this moment to end. Her entire body has been taken over by the overwhelming feeling of relief (because she finally got a taste of those luscious lips), combined with a good deal of panic (because she likes him and she should be deleting his stories and getting the hell out of dodge) and lust (for obvious reasons).

But soon her tense nerves begin to relax and her troubling thoughts are melting away, their surroundings disappear, leaving only her and Killian.

This feels true. And good. And right.

She draws her tongue over his teeth and swallows his groan of pleasure as they slid closer to each other, no visible gap between them. She's about to get completely lost in him when a bunch of shrieking kids run by them, spattering their bodies with a great amount of salty water, breaking their moment.

(Stupid summer camps).

As they part, she sees his eyes sparkle and lips curve up into a gleeful smile and she can't help but smile back. As her heart calms down and starts beating at a normal speed again, she contemplates him. His hair is a complete mop of mess atop his head, locks of hair clinging to his forehead and his cheeks are slightly red from joy and the hot summer weather. All of this and the last couple of minutes don't even remotely fit into the notion she formed about him based on his writings. He looks so young and innocent.

She voices her thoughts to him too.

"Writing helps to let off some steam," he explains. "Otherwise I wouldn't be such a gentleman," he winks and she doesn't argue. She couldn't really find a fault in his manners since they met.

At the same time, an incredible idea strikes her - if they find him an alternative solution for managing stress and tension, then maybe… "Have you ever thought about athletics? Maybe running?"

"It wouldn't work," he dashes her hopes. "It would only tire me in the long run, thus making me more tense. Who the bloody hell loves being sweaty all the time and waking up the next day with muscle strains?" She couldn't agree more, if she's being completely honest. Besides running after jerks who skip their bail, she's lazing on her couch with a bag of chips all day, watching Jeopardy and screaming at her TV.

Forget it. She sighs to herself. A day late and a dollar short. Water under the bridge. She's full of idioms now for her stupid situation because she screwed up. It's time to face the music.

"I saw a park nearby. Let's walk there," she suggests after they make their way back to the beach.

Killian pulls on his shirt and Emma does the same with her flashy yellow blouse. He watches her with worried eyes, one eyebrow high on his forehead. "Are you sure? It sounds quite dangerous. You could trip on a pebble, or catch some disease from the birds there. You could bump your knee against a bench," he lists. "Based on previous events, I say you would do better in a meadow with nothing but a water bottle."

She presents him her best poker face. "I could get an allergic attack from the flowers," she argues. "Or choke on the water, as you saw earlier."

He looked on with no change of expression. "Aye, you are right. There's danger lurking out there at every corner."

"It's hanging over me," she agrees. "But lucky for me, you're here to get my back," she inches closer to him. She laces their fingers together and he gives her a brilliant smile.

On their way, they're discussing which one of them has the most embarrassing and downright weird stories under their belts. In Killian's anecdote, he, his brother and Elsa went to a restaurant one evening to celebrate the couple's engagement. A bearded, slightly chubby old man ate his dinner at the neighboring table and was peeping at them every now and then. Elsa and his brother paid no mind to him, only Killian noticed it; the man made his flesh crawl with his creepy glances. But after paying the bill, he left and Killian thanked his lucky stars.

"Half an hour later we, too, finished our meals. We were walking down the streets peacefully and when we turned at the corner he was there. The guy was just standing there, one of his hands fumbling for something in his pocket," he goes silent, intentionally increasing the tension, like the great storyteller he is.

"Gun? Knife?" she urges.

"Oh, no. A pack of cigarettes and a lighter," her face turns into a disappointed grimace. "When we got closer he smirked and spoke up for the first time. I'd wished he would have shot me instead."

"What did he say?"

Killian temporarily holds off the storytelling when they get to the cocktail bar because the girl behind the counter is shouting at them loudly. "Wait!" she yells. "You left this here!"

When they pass the stand, he continues his tale. "He said: Killian Jones! How you've grown!" he glances at her with a gloomy look.

In the background, the cocktail Girl is yelling out a name. "Emma! Emma Swan!"

Emma glances back over her shoulder, the bartender is waving a black card holder at her.

Killian reaches the end of his story. "He was my P.E. teacher in grade school. Every year he tried to fail me."

Emma freezes, her eyes are on the cocktail girl's hand, more precisely on her papers she is holding. I.D., Social Security card, etc. The girl can't really bring it to Emma, at least five customers are waiting in line to get a drink, one of them drumming his fingers on the counter impatiently.

"Anna?" Killian asks, puzzled.

"Emma!" the girl yells again, now happy that Emma finally noticed her.

Emma swallows hard and trudges towards the beach bar, only mumbling "My papers," at Killian's still confused expression.

She walks back to him with bowed head and a racing heart, the plastic card holder almost breaks in her vice-like grip.

Killian asks the dreaded question. "What the bloody hell was that?"

My march to eternal humiliation, my journey through shattered plans, Anna Clarke's last mission - she would have answered, but no sound comes out of her mouth. She needs to make a grandiose gesture. Something honest. She awkwardly extends her arm, like she's introducing herself for the first time.

She watches her slightly shaking fingers, the seconds tick by slowly, her embarrassment growing like weed. Then her gaze falls to his long fingers as they encircle her hand. She snaps her head up in disbelief. An army of emotions are battling on his handsome face: forgiveness sits at the corners of his lips, puzzlement rests on his forehead and hurt is swimming in his eyes.

Since her vocal cords decided to not work, he is forced to take the first step. "Killian Jones, still."

"Emma Swan, now."

The ceremony is extremely awkward. Killian runs his hand through his half wet hair and slumps on the edge of the bench nearest to them. Emma sits down on the other end.

"I was aware that you lied about plenty of things in your emails," he watches the sea with slumped shoulders. "Not that it bothered me that much. It wasn't your lies that I loved, but the way you presented them. After a while I just sensed when you were being truthful," he pauses. Shrieking children and chatting parents sound in the background. The gleeful noises are driving her crazy. "Or at least I thought I sensed it," his voice goes at least an octave deeper and he turns to her with a scowl on his face. "Why did you do this?"

She confesses to him the real reasons. It can't really make her seem worse in his eyes than it already is. "My best friend went completely nuts, because of your stories. I thought if they were gone, everything will be alright with her again."

He gives her a condescending glance. "Have you never thought about talking with her and trying to understanding her?"

Oh yeah, it did occur to her. Unfortunately for her, a few weeks too late. But it wasn't Killian that made her realize this. By the time they met she was already aware where she took the wrong turn.

This whole thing wasn't in the interest of Mary Margaret for a while now. She was led by her curiosity and adventurousness. She orchestrated a play for herself and without his knowledge, Emma forced Killian to play a role in it.

Why? Because she liked the character that she created: the heroic best friend, the witty pen pal, the dorky Anna Clarke.

But really, why is it that people always want the things they don't actually need?

She's mulling over this question yet again while fiddling with the hem of her ridiculous yellow blouse, the salty summer breeze hitting her face lightly.

Killian asked for some time, said he needed to sort his head out. He promised he would be back in an hour and they agreed to meet at their original meeting point. Her phone shows that she's quite ahead of time. She places her ugly sandals on the beach chair she occupied just a few hours ago and attaches a piece of paper between its straps with her goodbye scribbled on it: Thank you for everything. And I'm sorry. For everything. - Emma

That is the extent of her lyrical talent.

She's reflecting on the day's events for two hours as she waits for her ferry, and as the vessel arrives to take her back to the mainland, she realizes there's nothing to think over.

She screwed up.

End of story.

She was so caught up in her mission to fix her best friend that she didn't realize there's nothing to fix. Emma saw an opportunity in her best friend's obsession; an opportunity to break free of her monotonous life and be someone else. Someone who is spontaneous and trusting, who is the complete opposite of her. She wanted an adventure and now she got it: she was so far gone in her play that she hurt two people in the process without even realizing it: Mary Margaret, who did nothing wrong but love a few pirate stories, and Killian, who only wrote said pirate stories.

Emma made herself the villain in this tale.

She's learned from her mistake (or at least she hopes so) and as soon as she gets home she's going to squeeze the life out of Mary Margaret - metaphorically, of course, because she'll give her best friend the biggest of hugs. They will have a girls night and talk about what is really going on in her head. It will be great.

But there's hardly anything she can do to make it up to Killian. She owes him another apology in case her note doesn't get to him, but her options end here. She's not even sure if he will even open her emails, let alone answer them.

The farther she gets from the beach, the gloomier her mood becomes; a feeling of sad resignation takes over her. She pulls her legs up on the seat and flips through her card folder in boredom. Stupid papers; they were all against her today.

And at the top of everything, a damned mosquito is about to have a feast on her elbow. She strikes down hard and her green folder flies away, sliding on the dirty floor until the black hole underneath a seat swallows it up. She squats down to try and fish it out, but her fingers touch something completely different: the straps of a faux leather sandal.

She lets out a laugh and ceremoniously buckles her previously lost shoes back on her feet. She regards them as a sign from above. As if it was life's way to say that "She's wrong, the fates are on her side".

She grabs her notebook and a pen from her bag and writes her very first (and probably last) short novel about how much of a moron she has been. She finishes just as she arrives back home, the two-hour train ride goes by in a blur.

She types it into her laptop as soon as she arrives at her apartment, publishes it under the name 'Warriorprincess' and waits for the miracle.

After only a week, she gets it.

"Emma!" Mary Margaret bursts into her room, balancing her laptop in one hand. "You wrote this, didn't you?" she shows her the "masterpiece" of Warriorprincess.

"Yes," Emma admits.

"I can't believe it!" she jumps up and down like a kid on a sugar high, her voice several octaves higher than normal. "You're highlighted! You're among the recommended writers! Just under KJ's story! Oh my God!" she places her laptop down on her nightstand and starts pacing in front of the bed in pure ecstasy. "Do you know how much I love you?"

"What?" she's taken aback.

"My friends will die of envy if I tell them what a crazy genius my best friend and future sister-in-law is. You're even friends with KJ!"

Emma buries the urge to correct her on that, instead, she focuses on the first part of her sentence. "Your friends?" she repeats.

"From the site."

Since her little adventure, she's been fighting to restore their friendship to the way it was before Killian's stories, and now Warriorprincess had reached that breakthrough.

She steps closer to Mary Margaret. "Will you tell me about them?"

And words are flowing out of the brunette's mouth, because Emma is finally there to listen to them without judging her favorite stories and claiming her best friend went insane. Mary Margaret doesn't have any mental diseases, she proves to be a thousand times healthier than Emma and furthermore, she doesn't lack in friends or rationality. The only thing she's short of is the tolerance for boring people and, sadly, her colleagues at the preschool are included in this category.

Emma's best friend inhabits the large group of misunderstood artists and dreamers. Case closed.

"I'm happy we could talk this through," Emma grins at her when Mary Margaret is out of breath from talking for thirty minutes straight.

"Me too," she smiles at Emma. "So the next time KJ posts a story, you won't call our provider and have them shut off the internet, will you?"

"Don't worry. I'd probably break my own arms first before I would do that."

Mary Margaret appreciated her lame joke, she's still swimming in the waves of hyperactivity. She hugs Emma and grabs her laptop from the nightstand, clicking and typing in it a few times.

"Kj didn't write a comment on your story," she reports. "But someone else did," she turns the device toward Emma so she can look at the screen. She starts reading the review and when she gets to the middle she snatches the laptop from Mary Margaret's possession.

Dear Warriorprincess,

Stylistically, there is still room for improvement, and I advise you read the story over again; you left a few typos in it.

Moving to the content of the story: the heroine's motivations are absurd, as well as her actions. The storyline, partly as a result of this, is messy. Also, I could not take delight in the emotional background you have outlined. If your main character is inspired by a real human, I suggest she visit a specialist.

You did not let the male character's story to properly unfold, although I saw a great amount of potential in him. And huge competence. In addition, I missed the further demonstration of the characters' external features. Why did you not mention the heroine's big, aquamarine eyes and her shapely legs?

The ending is simply terrible.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed it. Congratulations on being highlighted!

P.S.: Would you be interested in exchanging some letters, which could help me fill your head with nonsense and turn your head? Then we could perhaps meet in person. I would introduce myself under a fake name, bewitch you even more, get caught red handed and vanish into thin air – of course, I would leave a dramatic goodbye note behind. So what do you say, love? I can tell you from experience, it works quite well.

Above her shoulder, Mary Margaret is trying to make out the name of the user. "Warriorcaptain...Do you know each other?"

"Not enough. But we can remedy that right away," Emma grins and clicks on the sign in button.

fin.

#cslb #captain swan little bang #cs ff #cs fic #captain swan #one shot #cs oneshot #ouat #ouat ff #ouat fic #once upon a time #Emma x Killian #emma swan #killian jones #captain hook

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upontheshelfreviews · 4 years

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I expected this movie to have a few votes from those who remembered it as kids. I never expected it to win by a landslide. Lesson learned: never underestimate a nostalgic kids’ movie from the ’90s.

Once upon a time, David Kirschner, producer of An American Tail among other things, took his daughters to the New York Public Library. This visit inspired him to write a story about a fantastical adventure that would get kids excited about reading. The result was The Pagemaster, a 1994 box-office bomb that would go on to develop a cult following among children like me who grew up watching it. Animation historians tend to lump The Pagemaster in with the likes of Thumbelina or Quest For Camelot: 90s features that tried to coast off the success of Disney’s Renaissance films yet failed to match their caliber. But actually, trailers for The Pagemaster played in theaters and on home video a good four years before the movie was released…it was still in production for most of that time so the amount of influence Disney had on it is up for debate, but the point remains. I’m willing to bet what played a major part in its delay was the myriad of problems that cropped up during the filmmaking, from David Kirschner suing the Writers Guild of America for not receiving the sole story credit he felt was owed, to the plot being rewritten in the middle of the animation process, which is never a good thing. I’ve also heard stories about Macaulay Culkin being a diva on set, but knowing what we know now about his abusive father explains a lot so I’m not holding that against him.

And here’s another fun fact I dug up while doing my research: apparently Stephen King of all people wrote the treatment for The Pagemaster, which certainly explains the film’s more horrific elements. Does this means this movie is technically part of the King multiverse? I can see Richard hanging out with The Losers Club on weekends and trying to avoid killer clowns and langoliers in his spare time.

Though it was released under the 20th Century Fox banner, The Pagemaster was the first of only two animated films created by Turner Feature Animation, an off-shoot of Hanna-Barbera founded by media mogul Ted Turner. In hindsight, it’s not surprising that Turner had a hand in this children’s flick with an educational message. Let’s not forget the last animated project he invested himself in was all about teaching kids environmentalism in the cheesiest way possible.

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But unlike Captain Planet, does The Pagemaster hold up after all these years? Will it get kids sucked into the magic of reading? And how long can I go without forcing in a Home Alone reference? Read on and find out.

The opening credits fade in over clouds swirling into foreshadowing images while the stirring main theme by James Horner plays. Say what you want about this movie, Horner’s score emerges smelling like a rose, easily the best thing to come from this film. Disney’s even used it for some of their trailers. Also, when you take the bulk of the cast into consideration, it’s astonishingly appropriate that the man who scored The Wrath of Kahn provided the soundtrack for this feature.

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The ominous call-forward clouds are part of a nightmare that our protagonist, a typical 90s nerd named Richard Tyler (Macaulay Culkin) startles awake from. He crawls out of bed and overhears his parents (Ed Begley Jr. and Mel Harris) discussing their son’s neuroses. See, it’s not enough that Richard is a nerd; he’s also afraid of everything that casts a shadow. His room is plastered with safety precautions, he studies all manner of deathly statistics to the point where he can recite them at the drop of a hat and is considered a general buzzkill by all who know him, especially his father. This is where we come to our first bump in the road, and it’s not just that Richard acts in a way that no kid would, not even scaredy-cat kids like Chuckie Finster: it’s the moral they’re trying to set up.

The Pagemaster’s original screenplay was about a boy who didn’t like reading and learned to love it, but there were many rewrites during production that altered it so it’s about Richard learning to overcome his fears through the power of books. That makes the point rather redundant – why teach someone who’s already a bookworm to love books? I argue that it’s about snapping Richard out of his obsession over statistics and panic-inducing facts that are holding him back from living a fulfilling life, and finding courage and meaning from beloved stories instead. Not a terrible lesson, but one that could have been communicated better. In fact, such a moral would be much more suited for today; with the constant stream of news updates through the internet leading to anxiety over everything, turning away from devices for a while and finding solace through well-written fiction is a decent message. And I’m not saying that kids today shouldn’t be aware of big issues our planet faces – look at Greta Thunberg – but if you’re suffering from borderline pantophobia, then maybe seeking some escapism through print (and also finding a therapist) is a good place to start.

Mr. Tyler is building his son a treehouse in order to help him get over his fear of heights. Richard, of course, refuses to have anything to do with it and states some statistics about ladders and household accidents. He then unwittingly hits his dad in the head with a bucket which causes him to have an accident and fall out of the treehouse, thus proving his point. Honestly, I’d have more respect for Richard if he did it on purpose just to validate himself. What a grade-A troll he’d make.

Eager to get his son out of his hair, Mr. Tyler tasks him with picking up some nails from the hardware store. Richard takes his bike, both covered in so much superfluous safety gear that he looks like he’s ready to go policing in a sci-fi dystopia.

“I am THE LAW!”

And yes, you read that credit correctly. Joe Johnston, director of The Rocketeer and the first Captain America movie directed the live-action segments of The Pagemaster. From what I’ve gathered, he’s not too pleased to have his name attached to this project. I suppose he’s upset that he couldn’t have his credit changed to Alan Smithee.

On his way into town, Richard passes some kids riding their bikes off a construction ramp. They try to goad him into joining them and call him chicken when he doesn’t, just in case you didn’t catch what his character arc will be. Richard continues forward, and if you think Maurice’s trip to the fair went south in Beauty and the Beast, then you haven’t watched this movie. Lightning strikes the power lines, he’s forced through a tunnel where the lights explode in succession after him, and he gets lost in a dark, creepy park during a storm. I’m almost tempted to say the movie is trying to kill him.

Richard crashes his bike in front of the most ominous library outside of a Ghostbusters movie and seeks shelter there. The only person inside is eccentric old librarian Mr. Dewey, played by Christopher Lloyd. He constantly interrupts Richard to guess what kind of book he thinks he’s looking for all while getting very dramatic and dangerously close to the young boy. I laugh at it because of how over-the-top Lloyd’s acting is, but uncomfortably so. As a kid, I thought he was being very wise and passionate about the stories he looks after, but as an adult, it’s hard not to look at this scene and call stranger danger on it.

Mr. Dewey directs Richard to a phone where he can call his parents, gives him a library card if he feels like checking a book out, and casually points out the big green exit sign should he decide to leave. Richard wanders through the library until he comes across an awesome-looking mural in the rotunda depicting scenes from Moby Dick, Treasure Island, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde…umm, Dragonslayer, I guess, and a wizard who bears more than a passing resemblance to Mr. Dewey.

This is why we need more funding in our public libraries, folks.

Richard slips on the wet floor and knocks himself out. When he comes to, paint from the mural gushes to the floor, turns into a dragon-like blob and chases him through the library, turning anything it touches turns into a painted background. The blending of computer and traditional animation for the dragon is surprisingly excellent. It’s plain to see that a lot of work went into this one creature. When I can’t tell where the hand-drawn animation begins or ends, that’s a good sign.

Ultimately the dragon catches Richard and transforms him into an animated character – no, not a character, an illustration, says someone from the shadows. That someone is the master of the animated literary realm Richard’s been transported to, keeper of the books and guardian of the written word, The Pagemaster (also voiced by Lloyd).

Do you think he trims his beard by cutting it or by stitching it up and binding it with leather and glue?

This animated version of the library is where all the stories ever written call home (though Horner’s score is what really sells the wonder of the moment). Here, books are, quite literally, transports to another world. Open a book and characters, creatures and objects from that story emerge from them. The Pagemaster demonstrates this by summoning a fairytale giant and the Argo from Jason and the Argonauts just for show. Richard’s more interested in finding his way home and the Pagemaster tells him that he must pass three tests in order to reach the Exit. He sends him off on his quest with a word of advice: when in doubt, look to the books.

Richard is swept up on a book cart and crashes into his first comic relief sidekick for the evening, Adventure, a cantankerous sentient book who acts like a pirate and is played by Sir Patrick Stewart. Stewart is one of the finest actors of the stage and screen and a damn good human being (seriously, look up his speeches about domestic violence) but I’ve noticed that when it comes to animated films, he tends to skew towards the…not so good ones. Not only did he turn down roles in Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin, but for every Prince of Egypt, there’s a Chicken Little, Gnomeo and Juliet, Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return and Emoji Movie that proudly boasts his name. It’s mind-boggling and frustrating to hear such talent reduced to voicing shit.

Not hyperbole.

The best thing I can say about Adventure is that at least Stewart sounds like he’s having fun playing him. I should know, getting paid to talk like a pirate is the best job ever.

Adventure changes his tune when he sees Richard’s library card and offers to help the boy if he checks him out from the library. He tells Richard to go up a ladder to get their bearings, but Richard refuses on account of his acrophobia and prattles off some of those annoying statistics. Adventure tries to change his mind about climbing by opening 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and unleashing the giant squid, which is like helping someone overcome their fear of flying by shooting them out of a cannon.

The squid throws Richard in the air but he’s rescued by another living book, Fantasy (Whoopi Goldberg). Fantasy subverts the warm fairy godmother stereotype she’s modeled after with her frequent bouts of sarcasm and stubbornness; whereas Stewart is playing a role, Whoopi is pretty much playing herself. Under normal circumstances, Fantasy would use her magic to poof Richard to the Exit, but since she’s outside of her section her powers are considerably weakened. Regardless, she also promises to help Richard if he takes her home with him. Fantasy and Adventure butt heads over who’s going to be second banana to our protagonist. Adventure insists he’s the only one who knows where they’re headed and gets Richard to open up The Hound of Baskervilles, with predictable results.

The Hound chases the trio until they jump through a bookcase into the horror section, full of spooky graveyards and assorted Halloween detritus. The Exit Sign appears through the fog but leads them to a massive and obviously haunted mansion that they must pass through in order to proceed. Richard rings the bell, which knocks the final member of the team, Horror (Frank Welker), into his arms. Horror’s my favorite of the bunch, at least he would be if I had to pick one. For one thing, with all the fairly big names in the cast, it’s refreshing to hear a veteran voice actor playing one of the lead roles. Horror’s the least like the genre he represents, a sweet dimwit who just wants some friends. I don’t know, maybe I just have a soft spot for lonely ugly-cute marshmallow characters.

Speaking of, the designs for the books aren’t exactly appealing with large faces plastered right on their spines and little arms and legs sticking out of their lumbering square bodies. Horror’s look, however, comes the closest to working since he’s modeled after Quasimodo and isn’t supposed to be Mr. Universe if you catch my drift. He even gets some moments of good wild animation, especially when he’s “describing” what frightens him.

But one line, one solitary bit of dialogue has always stuck with me: “Horror always has sad endings”. It’s a shockingly deep statement that sums up the tragedy of his situation, and also why I’ve never been that big on the genre. The monster’s dead, everyone’s safe, you think it’s all ok, then BOOM. It pops up again, slaughters every character you’ve grown to care for and sets up a neverending chain of watered-down sequels and reboots.

Fantasy assures Horror her world is a place of happy endings, and Richard allows him to come along for the ride. The group ventures into the mansion, which looks perfect as far as haunted houses go. It’s caught somewhere between traditional Gothic and German Expressionism with its impossibly high ceilings, winding staircases, cobwebbed cracks in the walls and looming shadows. The team then meets the mansion’s owner, Dr. Henry Jekyll, played by…Leonard Nimoy?!

Fascinating.

It goes without saying that Nimoy is magnetic as both Jekyll and his wicked counterpart. He encapsulates the madness and depravity of the latter with a cackle and a single line, and he plays the former with a warm air of wisdom and sophistication (the fact that he serves his Hyde potion in a martini glass should clue you in on that trait). It makes me wish we got to see Nimoy play Jekyll and Hyde in a more straightforward adaptation before he passed away.

Though maybe he already did…

Adventure is ready to help himself to some of Jekyll’s cocktail but Horror knocks it out of his hands and the spill burns a hole through the floor.

So the Hyde formula’s secret ingredient is xenomorph blood. Who knew?

Richard and the gang are too late to stop Jekyll from drinking his concoction and he undergoes a harrowing transformation into his evil alter-ego, Edward Hyde. And hoo boy, did this scene reopen a can of worms. Imagine you’re a five-year-old enjoying this fun little animated escapade of talking books and magic and then this gets all up in your face.

“My name…is…”

“…Mister HYYYYYYYDE!!!!!”

All this to say even after all these years, Mr. Hyde still kind of puts me on edge. I remember my dad taught me how to use the fast-forward button on the VCR just so I could rush through this part. I even wished for and made up a kind of video player where you could skip entire scenes for the sole purpose of avoiding Hyde’s reveal.

I’m still waiting on my royalties.

Hyde attacks the group but Horror accidentally saves them by dropping a chandelier on him.

Hey, wrong story!

Horror gets tangled up in the chains and is about to be pulled through the floor along with Hyde. Fantasy begs Richard to save him but he’s too scared to. He doesn’t even try to weasel out of it by saying he has bone spurs or some other lame excuse, he just stands there and shrugs as one of his friends is about to die. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen. I know Richard’s supposed to learn courage over the course of the movie but not even attempting to try is pretty low. It’s not like there’s any danger in the situation or a possibility that Hyde will pop back up again; the freak’s too busy dragging Horror down, laughing maniacally in the dark as he anticipates pulling one helpless victim to their doom along with him.

Can’t sleep, Hyde will eat me…

Anyway, Fantasy has enough and rescues Horror herself. As for Hyde, he goes down the hole never to be seen again.

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Now that I’m more familiar with the stories featured in this movie more so than when it was released, seeing them come and go rather quickly without diving into their essence is disappointing…but perhaps that was intentional. Maybe by leaving these sequences fairly open-ended and giving us the most basic of recaps, the movie is encouraging kids to check out the books themselves and come to their own conclusions about how and why these are timeless, fascinating tales.

Or at the very least, they could pick up an illustrated abridged version. Try getting a six-year-old to sit through the complete Moby Dick.

You’re a prodigy, Matilda! You don’t count!

After fleeing Hyde, Richard and the gang run into some possessed books – in other words, they’re haunted by ghost stories.

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They evade the spirited tomes and had things worked out differently, they would have immediately had a perilous encounter with another famous literary horror character, Frankenstein’s monster. Poor Frankie M. made it to the poster and a few promotional picture books but not the final film. It’s not clear why he was cut; maybe the director felt the sequence was running long or he got worried the kids watching this would be too scared by this point. Frankly, anything that comes after Hyde pales in comparison. You could throw the worst of Lovecraft our way and it still wouldn’t be half as terrifying as he was.

The team makes it outside, but are trapped on a high vine-covered wall. Richard is too scared to climb down until the Pagemaster possesses a gargoyle to give some on-the-nose words of encouragement.

Careful, Richard. The last time I saw a gargoyle like that, it didn’t end well for the person grabbing it.

Richard Tarzans his ways to safety, and everyone celebrates their escape. The sun rises, clearing the way to the ever-elusive Exit Sign and Adventure’s home turf, a beach stretching into the open sea. Out on the ocean, they come across the crew of the Pequod. They’re searching for the white whale Moby Dick at the behest of Captain Ahab, voiced by George Hearn.

Hmm, George Hearn playing an overly dramatic psychopath hellbent on bloody vengeance? Can’t imagine where they got that casting idea from.

Ahab spies his quarry off the port bow and the color scheme dramatically shifts into a fiery red while the mad captain’s eyes glow and he turns into a Frank Miller drawing.

Lift your spearhead high, Ahab! Hear its singing edge!

I don’t know why they went with this abrupt change in hue, but frankly my dear I don’t give a damn. It’s a visual representation of Ahab’s unhinged thirst for violence teetering on demonic possession that just looks really cool. Also, like Nimoy before him, Hearn makes the most of his screen time, giving a stirring rendition of some of Ahab’s immortal lines.

…Then Moby Dick pounces on top of him and kills him and his crew instantly.

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But Moby’s not done dicking around yet and he smashes Richard’s boat too. Richard and Adventure latch on to some driftwood, but it looks like Fantasy and Horror didn’t make it and there are sharks closing in.

The good news: they’re quickly rescued.

The bad news: they’re taken prisoner aboard the Hispaniola which is under the command of Long John Silver (Jim Cummings) and his crew of cutthroat pirates.

Well, calling them cutthroat is generous. The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything are more threatening than these guys.

With catlike tread, upon our foe we steal!

Also, one of the pirates is voiced by Robert Picardo and…do you think David Kirschner just wanted to make one big Star Trek crossover movie but the execs shot it down so he turned it into this cute family flick starring cast members from almost every iteration of the franchise? Like, Picard and Guinan are banished to another dimension inspired by various Holodeck fantasies thanks to a resurrected omniscient Commander Kurge (just another one of Q’s little tests for humanity) and are tasked with protecting a young boy, the son of Henry Starling, who’s the key to defeating him as they find their way back home. They wind up in a desolate corner of the universe where they meet Spock, who’s been working on a top-secret formula that will supposedly make human urges easier to differentiate in important decision-making. But plot twist! It’s really Evil Spock the whole time, and his formula will purge all good from those who consume it! They escape, desperate to warn this dimension’s Federation of Evil Spock’s plan but run into an insane Dr. Berel and are later captured by The Doctor, who has rebelled from his programming and taken up piracy along with a renegade band of Romulans. I’m no Star Trek aficionado, but this is something I’d like to see!

Silver takes away Richard’s library card and forces him and Adventure to join his treasure hunt on (where else?) Treasure Island. But like in the story this is based on, the pirates are enraged to learn that the treasure has already been looted and they mutiny against Silver. Before things get ugly, Fantasy and Horror arrive to save their friends. It turns out they didn’t drown after all due to Horror discovering his hump is hollow and they floated to shore on it.

Then there’s a fight scene where Horror and Fantasy take out the pirates using goofy slapstick. It isn’t too bad, but it doesn’t touch Muppet Treasure Island in comedy. Richard also stands up to Silver and gets him to back off, which earns the old sea dog’s respect. This makes this sequence the most faithful of all the quick adaptations we’ve seen thus far, essentially turning Richard into a stand-in for Jim Hawkins and having him go through an abridged version of his arc. It would have resonated more, however, if we spent more time with the plot and characters of this story, so we’d really feel something when Richard asserts himself. The Pagemaster is a scant seventy-five minutes, but with all the possibilities for expanding upon these different novels in this format with the kind of story they’re trying to tell, this could be a ninety-minute film at the very least. The movie even teases this with some cleverly woven-in shoutouts to other famous works, like Edgar Allen Poe’s Raven appearing in the haunted house, or Richard staggering under an oversized copy of Atlas Shrugged. I wish we could see those tales as part of the plot proper, but they make this literature-based world feel more all-encompassing and less like they’re merely covering the basics, for which I’m grateful for.

Adventure, who got sidelined at the start of the fight and is miffed about missing the action, storms off on his own. This is where the movie sidelines the main plot for a substandard “jerk with a heart of gold learns not to be a jerk to others” subplot. Horror tries to cheer up Adventure and admits he idolizes him, but Adventure bullies and scares him away. Shortly after, Adventure finds Richard’s library card washed up on the beach and returns it, but Fantasy forces him to look for Horror and apologize before they hit the road. He finds him being tied down by the Lilliputians from Gulliver’s Travels. Now Gulliver’s Travels could technically be classified as an adventure story, but really it’s a witty satire in the guise of an adventure. I wonder what we could have gotten if the movie explored other stories that mashed up the genres featured here with ones like mystery or sci-fi or drama. I want to see how Sherlock Holmes, Tom Sawyer, Captain Nemo, and Lizzie Bennett would react to this kid from the future and his three sentient books running around their stories! Or what about ones where the elements of fantasy, horror, and adventure overlap each other? Think about it, A Christmas Carol is both horror and fantasy, The Princess Bride is fantasy and adventure, The Call of Cthulu, A Wrinkle in Time and anything by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett combine all three. I’m sorry I keep going off on these tangents, but the concepts this film presents deserve more exploration than what we’re given.

Adventure rescues Horror and the two reconcile. Fantasy’s wand lights up, indicating that they’re getting closer to her territory and the Exit. Just to be sure she’s got her magic back, she tests it out by turning Adventure into –

Your very confusing nightmares for the next month, ladies and gentlemen.

Everyone traipses through the jungle into the fantasy section, which goes a bit beyond your average picture book in terms of design. Though the movie’s backgrounds and colors are a bit murky, each world has a distinct visual style. The fantasy realm is like if Arthur Rackham tangoed with Eyvind Earle. It’s not Sleeping Beauty levels of gorgeousness, though it’s close. But once again, the magic of this scene comes from the music. Instead of more instrumental backing, however, we get the movie’s main tune, “Whatever You Imagine”.

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I unironically love this song. I’ve said before I’m a sucker for 90s pop ballads and this one is no exception. It’s all about using the power of imagination to follow your dreams and shape the world into a better place, and is complemented by the visuals: some fairies that are rotoscoped in a way that they look like living embodiments of the electricity balls you find at Spencer’s appear and dance on Richard’s palm. There’s a second decent pop song in a similar vein over the end credits, “Dream Away” sung by Lisa Stanfield and Babyface, but “Whatever You Imagine” is my favorite of the two.

Yet, nice as this part is, it’s difficult to overlook the shortcomings. You thought the horror and adventure parts of the movie were rushed? What little we see of the fantasy section is limited to a minute and a half of the song before hurtling into the climax. On top of that, the only representations of fantasy here apart from the fairies are nursery rhymes (with Mother Goose and Humpty Dumpty making five-second cameos), generic familiar fairy tales (most of which, including Rapunzel and Cinderella, also joined Frankenstein’s Monster on the cutting room floor), a faun that looks like it was kidnapped from Fantasia, and a yellow brick road as a shout-out to The Wizard of Oz. I get this was a few years before Harry Potter revolutionized the genre, but no love for Lord of the Rings? No Peter Pan? No Narnia? No Earthsea? No Discworld? Not even Dr. Seuss? And if it’s because they’re sticking with public domain works then they really dropped the ball. I’ve got five words for you: King Arthur, Lord Dunsany, ETA Hoffman, George MacDonald, and any culture’s ancient mythology.

Then again, perhaps it’s for the best that the more recognizable fantasies stay out of this feature. Look at our heroes and tell me they’d survive a minute in A Song of Ice and Fire.

Richard spies the Exit on top of a mountain, but Adventure wanders into a “cave” and accidentally awakens the final boss: a monstrous fire-breathing dragon.

“Now you shall deal with me, O Prints, and all the powers of Hell!”

Fantasy summons a magic carpet ripped from her own pages to save Richard and fly them all to the Exit. But the carpet gets singed and crashes on the mountainside, scattering our heroes and causing Fantasy to lose her wand. Richard makes it to the summit but he realizes that in his haste he’s left his book club behind. Adventure decides to face the dragon alone to give Horror and Fantasy time to escape, and this is where we get the culmination of what’s supposed to be Adventure and Fantasy’s belligerent romantic tension throughout the movie and the one truly funny line of dialogue.

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Unsurprisingly, the dragon roasts Adventure but he just gets covered in ash and acts like he got bopped on the head instead of burning up like a real book would. This is the fantasy section and a kid’s cartoon on top of that, I’m not gonna argue about the logic. Richard finally finds the courage to go save his friends, but first, he takes a sword, shield, and helmet from the crumbling skeleton of a dead knight.

For his sake, he’d better wash his hands fifty times after this.

Wait, that red cross on the shield….oh my god, it’s the dragon and knight from The Faerie Queen!!

All right, let me explain what this means and why it’s a big deal. The Faerie Queen is one of the most revered examples of classic fantasy literature, a collection of six epic poems detailing the adventures of King Arthur expy Prince Arthur aiding knights representing the Twelve Private Virtues on his journey to rescue and marry the titular fairy queen Gloriana. The story of the Red Cross Knight is about Arthur helping said knight fight a dragon to save his lady love. More importantly, it’s about the knight learning to overcome his insecurities while being waylaid by outside forces symbolizing negative influences and slay the monster himself. It’s not hard to see the surface parallels in his adventure and Richard’s. So, point to the movie for subtly including a well-known tale and weaving it into the main plot. I take back what I said about it overlooking the obvious public domain fantasies.

Richard charges in ready to kick some reptilian butt. Unfortunately, he manages to do an even worse job confronting the dragon than Jon Snow and it eats him in one bite. But our hero merely gets the Jonas treatment and winds up trapped inside the dragon’s stomach, which conveniently holds a number of undigested fantasy books. I guess the dragon must be a voracious reader.

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Recalling The Pagemaster’s advice, Richard searches through the books to find something that can help him escape. In a bit of on-the-fly ingenuity, he unleashes the titular plant from Jack and the Beanstalk. He rides the plant up and out of the dragon’s throat, grabs his buddies and carries them to the mountaintop where the gates of the Exit are now open. Once inside, they find a very familiar face.

“I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SOUNDTRACK! PAY NO ATTENTION THAT COMPOSER BEHIND THE CURTAIN!”

No, of course not. Instead, the Pagemaster appears to greet them. It turns out he’s been guiding Richard through his perils the whole time. Richard is not unreasonably pissed that the seemingly wise and benevolent sage took the Glinda approach of leading him into danger just to teach him a lesson. The small tirade he goes on is honestly refreshing. You don’t see many heroes call out the mentor figure on their trickery.

But all implications aside, the Pagemaster brings up an important point: what would have changed for Richard if he was whisked home just like that? Without the chance to grow, he would have stayed the same cowardly, friendless boy. To back this up, the villains Richard faced appear in the cyclone and proudly remind him of his triumphs. He made the right choices in the face of evil. He looked danger in the eye and kept moving forward. He stood up to others without hesitating. Even the dragon returns to salute Richard in its own way. There’s something rather awe-inspiring about these great literary characters returning to congratulate him for facing their challenges. It might not seem like much at face value: what practical use would there be in overcoming fears of things you’d never come across in the real world like pirates or dragons?

The thing is, most literary characters aren’t just there to move the plot from Point A to Point B, but are also a conduit for symbolizing qualities both evil and benign that enhance their stories. In The Pagemaster, as well as in their own tales, Jekyll and Hyde, Ahab, and Silver represent varying levels of obsession and fear. The dragon is especially notable for the latter in this regard since it is the culmination of Richard’s fears and how he views the world as a terrifying, dangerous place beyond his control. It’s the last thing that appears in the opening credits before he wakes up from his nightmare, and is also the form the paint blob takes when chasing him. The dragon was even supposed to appear continuously throughout the film, following Richard and his friends causing trouble for them. That aspect was cut from the final feature, though it left some conspicuous plot holes, namely how Adventure apparently lost his sword somewhere offscreen then finds it in the dragon’s mouth before he wakes it. The most important thing to take away from this, however, is that Richard doesn’t slay the dragon but instead finds a way to overcome it by moving past it, showing how he’s accepted there are things he can’t always control or avoid and chooses instead to move past his fears. If I may borrow some words Neil Gaiman often attributed to G.K. Chesterton, we don’t read fairytales to learn that dragons exist, but to learn that dragons can be beaten.

Richard, having realized how much he’s grown from his adventures, is finally ready to return to the real world. The Pagemaster sends him back along with the books, who turn into ordinary volumes. Richard wakes up on the library floor with Mr. Dewey standing over him in a totally-not-awkward-at-all manner. He remembers his promise to check out the books, but Mr. Dewey takes back Horror and tells him he can only take two home.

Wait, two books?! Only two?? The last time I went to my local library, they let me check out ten! I’m sure the rules are different depending on each district, but I’d say any self-respecting library that would want to maintain a child’s interest in reading would let them borrow a minimum of three books at a time. This seems like a strange last-minute obstacle that serves no real purpose other than making Mr. Dewey look inexplicably pedantic.

Anyway, Mr. Dewey can tell Richard’s upset that he can’t keep his promise to Horror and allows him to take all the books with him just this once. Richard passes by the ramp from the start of the film and makes the jump on his own, proving that he really has changed. It would have been more cathartic if the bullies from before were there to see it, but I suppose the writers felt this had to be something Richard would do more for himself than for anyone else. And I like how once he sticks that landing and does a positive spin on his dour catchphrase, the street lamps knocked out from the storm all light up again, showing all’s right with the world. Later, Richard’s parents come home after searching for their son all night and find him asleep in the treehouse, no longer afraid of anything.

Well, he’s still scared of Old Man Marley, but he’s taking it one step at a time.

Mr. and Mrs. Tyler let him stay up there, and once they’re gone, Horror, Adventure and Fantasy come to life once again as animated shadows on the wall and revel in their happy ending.

And that was The Pagemaster. As a young kid, I adored it. Nowadays it’s a bit of a guilty pleasure for me. It’s technically not a good movie, but it’s brimming with creative ideas, a few moments of cleverness, some nice visuals, has a good voice cast, an excellent score, and it evokes plenty of nostalgia. I just can’t bring myself to hate it. I also saw a lot of my younger self in Richard, a lit nerd prone to anxiety who found comfort and friendship in the books we traversed through and fantasized about having similar adventures. That, I think, is what really drew me into The Pagemaster back in the day. Plus, as far as an animated children’s film about a geeky kid going into classic tales with a talking book goes, it could have been much, much worse.

No. Just…no.

In case you’re still wondering if I thought this film succeeded in its message, well, it did make me want to read more, but I already loved reading when I was a child so that might render the point moot. I admire the idea of not laying out everything that happens in each story so as to get kids invested, but that being said the segments could use some beefing up to maintain interest and flesh out the characters more. Frankly, I think the whole concept of The Pagemaster would work much better as an animated series than as a movie. Maybe that was what Turner Animation was going for; if the film was more successful, they could create a spinoff show where the characters explore a new story each week that ties into some kind problem Richard is facing. Think Reading Rainbow meets Tales From the Book of Virtue. Now that Disney technically owns this movie, I’d love to see them develop something like this. Their track record with animated television has been stellar since Gravity Falls. Put this project in the right hands and they’d have another hit.

You know what? Call me out on it all you want, but The Pagemaster gets a three out of five. Watch it if you’re curious or just feeling nostalgic, and be sure to pick up a good book afterward.

Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this review, please consider supporting me on Patreon. Patreon supporters receive great perks such as extra votes for movie reviews, requests, early sneak-peeks and more. Special thanks to Amelia Jones, Gordhan Rajani and Sam Minden for their contributions, especially at this time.

Considering the theme of this review and the timing of its release, I’d like to leave you with a bit of a positive endorsement: If you’re like me and you’re looking for something to do while in quarantine, especially since all the libraries are closed where I am, I recommend Project Gutenberg and LibriVox. Both offer ways to enjoy beloved pieces of great literature that are largely in the public domain and discover fascinating obscure ones too, and it is completely free. No accounts to sign up for, no monthly payments, just years of classic books online only a click away. I listen to many of them while working or if I need to relax. I hope it’ll help take your mind off of any fears or stress, and I’ll see you tomorrow when movie voting recommences.

Screengrabs courtesy of animationscreencaps.com

April Review: The Pagemaster (1994) I expected this movie to have a few votes from those who remembered it as kids. I never expected it to win by a landslide.

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sextoyorgasm · 7 years

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Masturbation Relieves Anxiety, Helps You Sleep, and Boosts Your Sex Life. So Why Don't More Women Do It?

New Post has been published on http://www.sextoyorgasm.com/wp/masturbation-relieves-anxiety-helps-you-sleep-and-boosts-your-sex-life-so-why-dont-more-women-do-it/

Masturbation Relieves Anxiety, Helps You Sleep, and Boosts Your Sex Life. So Why Don't More Women Do It?

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After centuries of being treated as the act that shall not be spoken of, female masturbation is finally shaking off some of its cultural baggage.

Broad City’s Ilana Glazer and Insecure’s Issa Rae have casually sought out ménage à moi on screen. Actress-turned-singer Hailee Steinfeld praises solo sex in her breakup ballad “Love Myself.” And in this month’s Bust magazine, Jane the Virgin star Gina Rodriguez publicly laments that she once felt guilty about self-love. The message is clear: Everybody’s doing it. Right? Well, not everybody.

RELATED: The Better Sex Workout

In a new national survey, roughly one in five women say they have never masturbated in their lifetime. Never ever. Which is notable, given that masturbation is not only the safest kind of sex, but it also promises health benefits from better sleep to less painful menstrual cramps—and it can empower women to better understand their sexuality. So, why aren’t more women lending themselves a hand?

For the survey, titled Sexual Diversity in the United States, researchers at Indiana University polled 2,000 men and women between the ages of 18 and 91 about their interest and participation in more than 50 sexual behaviors, from anal sex to public sex to spanking. The survey was conducted anonymously and confidentially. While about 64% of men and 40.8% of women reported masturbating in the last month, 8.2% of men and 21.8% of women said they’d never done it. And these numbers jibe with previous research.

“The majority of women have done it,” the report’s lead author, Debby Herbenick, PhD, tells Health. But “a lot of women are still raised with the idea that it makes you ‘slutty’ or ‘oversexed’ in some way to be interested in sexual pleasure.”

RELATED: 8 Ways Sex Affects Your Brain

The survey didn’t ask participants to qualify their responses, but sexual health professionals have a few theories about why many women have never gone (down) there—and practical advice for women interested in making a maiden voyage.

First, there’s the stigma. Broad City’s Glazer may luxuriate in an evening of solo sex—lighting a candle, shucking an oyster, turning on a slow jam—but pop-culture depictions of women masturbating just because are still relatively new.

Until recently, even acknowledging that some women masturbate as an ordinary self-care ritual akin to, say, going to the gym or treating themselves to a manicure has felt transgressive. In a 2002 study exploring how college students talk with their friends about sex, female students “reported more communication overall than did males on all topics, except for masturbation.”

And as recently as 2013, the writer Ann Friedman suggested in New York’s The Cut that masturbation is the last sex taboo for women, pointing out that in too many popular portrayals (think: this scene in 2005’s The 40-Year-Old Virgin), “It’s something bad girls do, not something every girl does.”

RELATED: How Often Should You Be Masturbating? We Asked a Sex Expert

Women’s perceptions of masturbation vary across the country, too. “Some women think that pretty much every woman masturbates, and others who are in more conservative friend groups would think that far fewer women masturbate,” says Herbenick. “So a lot of it depends on where you live and who you’re friends with.”

Considering these reasons, it’s no surprise some women feel hesitant—or ashamed—to masturbate. Especially older women. After the actress Beth Grant was asked to deliver a joke on The Mindy Project about self-love ("I masturbate all the time," her character, Nurse Beverly, tells her coworkers. "I did during this discussion!"), the then-65-year-old told Cosmopolitan, "I'm from a generation where you don't talk about masturbating. . . . Certainly you don't do it, or if you do, it is a deep, dark secret.” Speaking openly about it, she said, felt liberating.

For many religious women (and men), masturbation isn’t just stigmatized—it’s forbidden. Conservative Christian denominations, Catholicism, some Muslim communities, and other religious groups consider masturbation a sin, teaching that sexual pleasure should only exist between a husband and a wife. “Generally, people who go to religious services more than once a week tend to be less likely to masturbate, less likely to use vibrators,” says Herbenick.

RELATED: This Is How Masturbating Can Transform Your Sex Life

When devout members of religions that ban masturbation do engage in it, they often suffer from feelings of intense shame, Karen Beale, PhD, an associate professor of psychology at Maryville College who studies the relationship between religion, sex, and guilt, tells Health in an email.

Perhaps more than anything, though, women are simply under-educated about masturbation. High school sex ed classes very rarely teach students about the anatomy of the vagina—or clitoris—or even mention pleasure. Parents, too, have a tough time navigating the how-tos of self-love with their daughters. “Most women don’t recall any conversation between themselves and their parents about female masturbation,” says Herbenick.

This lack of dialogue leaves many women feeling clueless. “These really smart, successful, super-accomplished women would come into my office and say, ‘I’ve never really masturbated, and I feel very embarrassed. I should have figured it out, but I haven’t.’ I saw this over and over again in my practice,” said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in Los Angeles. “We need to create more resources for women who are struggling in this area. The main reason women give for not doing it is, I don’t know how.”

Marin stresses that learning how to masturbate can have a real, positive impact on women’s lives. “There are so, so many different benefits of masturbation for women,” she said, from decreased anxiety levels to increased immune response. It helps you learn what you want from a partner—and means you don’t need a partner. “I also think the process of learning how to bring your body pleasure is one of the most empowering experiences you can have,” adds Marin.

RELATED: Science Says Men Should Be Masturbating 21 Times a Month—Here's Why

To help women who no longer want to be the “one in five,” Marin created an online course wryly called Finishing School, through which she helps women all over the country learn how to masturbate and orgasm. Bottom line, she says? You’re never too old to try your hand. And don’t worry about whether you’re doing it the “right way”—start by just doing what feels good and adjust from there. (For more guidance, you can check out her free orgasm workshop.)

The dearth of resources also inspired sex-positivity activist and photographer Lydia Daniller to co-create OMGYes, an award-winning interactive site where real women demonstrate—on themselves—various paths to orgasm. Since Daniller and her team of researchers, filmmakers, engineers, designers, educators, and sexologists launched the platform in 2015, it’s been embraced as revolutionary. (Herbenick is one of her collaborators.)

“Female pleasure has carried a stigma for a long time—but what's exciting is that things are shifting,” Daniller said in an email. “People are hungry for more factual and realistic information about sexual pleasure.”

Masturbation isn’t for everybody, and not every woman who tries it will be into it. But it’s worth remembering: Our culture has a long history of struggling to accept the reality that women enjoy sex as much as men do—and that women can satisfy their desire on their own. The more our culture encourages women to enjoy the pleasure of their own company, the more attitudes will change. As Daniller put it, “We think the current taboo around women's sexual pleasure will seem absurd to people in the future.”

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zalrb · 7 years

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TVD 1x04 Review

Hi all! Welcome to the fourth review of TVD season 1. Considering that I haven’t like sat down to watch a full episode of the past seasons of TVD in a few years and my memory might not be the greatest I think I will start with my usual disclaimer: I write my thoughts in real time so if I make a mistake at the beginning of this post, it will be corrected by the end. There will be anti-Damon and anti-Delena sentiments (I’m only mentioning these two because it’s the beginning of the series), and in light of recent events I feel the need to say that there may be some anti-Jenna sentiments too. I will probably bring up other shows and call attention to misogynoir, racism, anti-blackness etc. Ready? Let’s go.

1. I always wonder how these dreams work, like how much detail does Damon have to put into it? He has Elena wearing the necklace, Logan Fell is on the TV, he has the details of her room and her kitchen, like how does he create these dreams to terrorize Stefan with? Or does he go into Stefan’s head and Stefan has all these details already there so then Damon just manipulates his memory?

2. You know, sometimes I watch teen shows I watched when I was younger and I can go, yeah I can see why people went crazy for this guy even though he’s a dick. I don’t get that, I cannot see why with Damon.

3. His hair is back to be thoroughly offensive. When do they fix it for good?

4. Stefan throwing a knife at Damon’s chest is still, like, my favourite Defan moment.

5. Damon is so petty, like all he does is hangout in Stefan’s room and terrorize him!

6. “Believe it or not, Stefan, some girls don’t need my persuasion.” Damon, you compelled Caroline, you compelled Andie, and it took a sire bond for you to actually get Elena. Who are you fooling, fam?

7. Another Stefan shirtless shot! Seriously, they totally exploited his abs in season 1. Lmao.

8. OH MY GOD, STEFAN STOP WITH THE VOICEOVER.

9. Lol Jenna and Jeremy are in the other room and Elena just grabs Stefan and kisses him like ok my room upstairs RIGHT now.

10. And I didn’t realize Stefan’s reaction, he has a grin on his face but he’s lookng around like ... Really? Omg they’re adorable.

11. In every makeout/sex scene SE do there’s always a moment where Stefan or Elena pause to look at each other, even if it’s brief, just to have that eye contact.

12. Nina’s sighing pretty hard.

13. I also like how when Elena is like “Maybe we should press pause” and Stefan agrees, he has to go and sit on the other side of the room, like they cannot be on a bed together because it’ll just get that intense again.

14. Also an anon was talking about how they find it interesting the psychology behind a vampie who is in love with someone but still has the urge to feed on them and I responded that Paul was really interested in that dynamic with SE as well and you really do see it in this scene. They’re getting to a very visceral place with the physical contact so that viscera shifts into his vampirism and hunger so he has to press pause, it just adds to a whole other level of angst.

15. “I would be honoured to accompany you, Miss Gilbert.” 1864 Stefan making a comeback.

16. And Elena is fucking loving it.

17. “No yellow, jaundice go for the blue.” “I don’t like the blue.” “Well, I do.” The problem with Damon is that he doesn’t come across as a vampire, he comes across as an abusive boyfriend. With Stefan, he’s a vampire in the simplest things like the fact that he can become a fucking statue when he’s angry or the fact that he will speak a little old-fashioned and of course the fact that his veins appear when he gets too close to Elena, showing that he hasn’t mastered being in society that well. Damon just has the dialogue and the fog and the crow, he just seems like a guy who has a bunch of tricks and murders people because he feels like it so the Daroline dynamic doesn’t even feel like a predator playing with his prey, like it doesn’t feel non-human and human, he’s just abusive.

18. It’s also really sad watching Caroline look at Damon’s bite marks in the mirror.

19. “You can be very sweet when you want to be.” This is legit just an abusive dynamic, I don’t even want to say relationship anymore because Caroline has no free will.

20. “And Damon’s not dangerous, he just has a lot of issues with his brother, like major, deep-rooted drama” listening to Caroline speak is like listening to Delena stans.

21. “This country’s dumbed down in the last hundred years.” Oh yeah because enforcing enslavement was the pinnacle of American genius. Fucking writers.

22. Zach was unnecessary and the actor is AWFUL.

23. “I got your punk.” What does that mean exactly, Jeremy?

24. I like how everyone is blaming Stefan for Katherine when Damon is, like, 23 or 25.

25. Elena being like hmm, how do I know if Stefan is a calculating, manipulative lying and Damon is the victim, maybe Bonnie is right, is ridiculous considering that Damon tried to kiss her last episode and she experienced Damon being manipulative and called him out on it saying that it was his intention to make her feel uncomfortable. Like this is so fucking manufactured.

26. Paul’s arms though. And then Ian walks in topless like ... *rolls eyes* put your shirt on.

27. Damon, you would drive anyone to drink, you’re annoying and homicidal.

28. "If I go online will I find it [the pocketwatch] on ebay? Is that how you pay for your pot?” I know she was making a point but like how expensive does she think weed is?

29. “Yes, being a 150 year old teenager has been the height of my happiness” lol Stefan’s dry wit kills me each time.

30. “I’m not some drunk sorority chick, you can’t roofie me” that is a seriously disgusting line. And people want to argue that Damon isn’t a sexual predator?

31. Ian’s hair is OK again, I guess he, like, brushed it.

32. Tyler legitimately brought Vicki into his house through the back. Like that’s rude.

33. Caroline is rude to Liz for no reason, which is why in the later seasons, when they tried to act like she and Liz always had a wonderful relationship I side-eyed it.

34. Elena reading the registry makes me laugh because I remember the bloopers when Nina couldn’t get one name, like she just couldn’t move past it so Paul and the crew made a joke like, think of it as gonorrhea. And that name isn’t in the final cut.

35. “My therapist says I’m acting out... trying to punish Stefan” are you 16?

36. See Damon telling Elena how he and Stefan died without saying how they died and his clear pain over what they did to him and to Katherine would’ve been a storyline I would like to follow more. If he came back to MF to destroy it because of how much he hated it and he chose Caroline to get back at the Founding families, if he was still devastated by what they did but then throughout the season started realizing that Caroline and Tyler and Jeremy and Elena, essentially the descendants of these families, were actual people and developed from that, I think they could’ve had something interesting. And the show has like remnants of this idea throughout season 1 but it isn’t an actual arc for Damon because his arc is supposed to be Elena and he terrorizes the town because he feels like it, it isn’t a statement so he’s just a dick.

37. “Doesn’t it always come down to the love of a woman?” No. And this is Damon’s entire problem.

38. “That’s what you get when you bring the trash into the party” ... Carol, what? Vicki actually did nothing a “respectable” young woman wouldn’t do. Like it just doesn’t even go.

39. Yeah Bonnie is hardly in this episode. Shunted to the sidelnes for no reason. Caroline and Elena haven’t even gone over to her table to see what’s happening. Caroline I forgive because she’s Damon’s puppet right now but Elena, really?

40. I love the way Elena stares at Stefan when they’re dancing and then she giggles to herself because she’s just so happy being with him.

41. “I hope Damon didn’t drive you too crazy.” “No actually, he was on good behaviour” manipulation, Elena, that is what manipulation looks like.

42. Yes, Stefan, Damon is trying to get Elena to turn against you but you not saying anything about yourself isn’t helping matters either. I mean, it makes sense because you’re still fucked up about what Katherine did to you but you gotta budge a little, honey.

43. Oh hey Elena, talking to Bonnie who you left alone all night to bitch about your boy problems?

44. Carol didn’t even say hi to Bonnie.

45. There’s actually no reason why Damon had to bring Caroline to this.

46. I also don’t care at all about Jenna and Logan.

47. “I’m sorry, I take it all back, you are completely right about Damon”, but like Elena wasn’t even defending Damon in the previous scene, so ... what?

48. “I’m handling it.” “Handling it? Stefan, you should be having him arrested.” Elena, why don’t YOU have him arrested? You saw the bite marks and you told Damon to stay away from her OR you’ll tell her mother, what is with the show and having characters threaten to do something they should just DO? Like, I would understand it if Elena doesn’t quite know what to do in the situation and thought she did a good job by telling Damon to stay away from Caroline because she IS 16 but her getting mad indignant at Stefan is like ... or you could do what you’re telling him to do?

49. Vicki and Jeremy, is just. Ugh.

50. Seriously this scene between Damon and Caroline is fucking terrified, rewatching it really just emphasizes just how awful the show is for the Daroline friendship.

51. And Damon being broken hearted over Katherine does not excuse this behaviour.

52. I just, how does Elena not remember hugging Caroline who was breaking down in her arms saying “I’m fine, I’m fine” every time she’s with Damon? Like how she does she just block that out?

53. Oh, ending it on the utterly useless council.

I don’t know, man, these early episodes just reaffirm my hatred for Damon.

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newyorktheater · 5 years

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What is a gay play? These three very different plays in the first week of the new Rave Theater Festival could all arguably fit the label, but it would mean stretching the definition beyond the normal assumptions.

Stormy Weather

“Stormy Weather” has nothing to do with the 1943 Lena Horne movie of the same name, but it does borrow from Gilligan’s Island (a storm traps the characters on an island, in this case Fire Island) and Boys in the Band (a group of gay men gather for a birthday party), and Naked Boys Singing (there’s nudity, although much less of it and very little singing) — as well as from any number of forgettable peekaboo gay plays that were not as funny or clever or even as sexy as they pretended to be, and in which the acting seemed beside the point.

Tim and Mark, who are both in their 40s, were long-time lovers who recently split up. Tim is in their house in the Pines on Fire Island alone with their teenage daughter Tina, when a storm causes Mark’s yacht to crash, and forces him to take refuge in the house, leading to a series of shouting matches between Tim and Mark which I guess were supposed to be amusing. During the course of the play, we also meet:

Michel, Tim’s houseboy, who spends the entire time shirtless.

Jake, a deckhand on the yacht, who also spends the entire time shirtless.

Bobby, Tim’s new 22-year-old boyfriend (it’s his birthday), who spends some of his time shirtless and pants-less.

Harold, Mark’s new (age appropriate) boyfriend, who spends some of his time shirtless. “I’m Harry,” he says at one point to Bobby. “I can see that,” Bobby says, looking at his hairy chest.

Harrison, Harold’s straight teenage son, arrives on stage shirtless and pants-less, stared at by Tina. Harrison and Tina instantly become an item.

Over the course of “Stormy Weather,” we learn of all sorts of cross connections – Harold is also Tim’s ex-boss, and Mark is Bobby’s therapist – while several characters disengage from their current partners and re-engage with others. I disengaged from it all.

Ni Mi Madre

Arturo Luis Soria III comes onto stage wearing only a pair of underpants, and puts on an elegant white dress, becoming Bete (sounds like Bet-chi) whose first words are: “I love Madonna.Let me tell you if it were another life baby I could’ve been Madonna.” And we’re launched into what initially seems like a drag queen’s stand-up comic routine impersonating an over-the-top would-be diva. She drinks too much, and complains about how her third husband “doesn’t take advantage of my body… When Christmas comes around I’m buying him a GPS system to my vagina .” Bete mentions the word “vagina” or its synonyms more times than any woman I’ve ever talked to.

But it soon becomes clear, when Bete starts talking about her gay son Arturo, that the playwright and performer has created a show about his mother.

That doesn’t make her any less outrageous. “Arturo is an entertainer, the actor, the attention seeker, the ADADGG-C-something—one of those diseases that the American people come up with so that way they don’t beat their kids.”

She calls her son “my heart.” She assigns all her children body parts. Her next-oldest daughter “my appendix. They’re there but they’ve stopped serving a purpose and if they explode, you’re fucked.”

But amid the hilarity – and much of it is quite funny – there is a glimpse of issues of race, class, gender, sexual orientation and immigration that confronted Bete and her son. Bete, the light-skinned daughter of a dark-skinned Brazilian, recalls how her mother shunned her. At one point, Soria portrays Bete imitating his father, whom she calls the Ecuadorian Communist: “There’s nothing wrong with gay people. I don’t have anything wrong with gay people. But no son of mine is going to be gay…people. “

At the end of “Ni Mi Madre,” Bete engages in a ritual seeking forgiveness from her mother, and from her children, and from herself.

The true spirit of Soria’s play — that it’s an odd, outrageous, but deeply felt homage — is summed by the words on the last page of the program: “Call your Mom.”

Sweet Lorraine

I was excited to learn of a play that would dramatize the storied friendship between James Baldwin and Lorraine Hansberry. Both were renowned and influential writers who had great success at a young age, Baldwin with his first novel “Go Tell It on the Mountain” at age 29 , Hansberry with her first Broadway play “A Raisin in the Sun” at age 28. (Baldwin was also a Broadway playwright.) Six years apart in age, they shared a high profile as intellectuals and activists. Both were African-Americans, and both were queer, although Baldwin was more public about his sexuality.

“Sweet Lorraine” imagines James visiting Lorraine in her hospital room in 1965, a week before she died from cancer at the age of 34. They catch up, joke around, discuss politics, debate issues, argue. She admits to being angry with him for not visiting her sooner. They probe each other’s opinions, even about God.

Lorraine: Do you ever wish you still believed in God, Jimmy?

James: The only type of fiction I care for is the kind I write.

Lorraine: Well, I do. It keeps me up at night. I lay in this bed and ponder how simple life would be if there was someone, cosmical, in our corner….

They quote lines from other artists and intellectuals, and from each other’s work – which rings true, or at least is how we would like to imagine them. Inevitably in a play about two real-life historical figures, they drop in little biographical tidbits about one another that, in real life, two best friends would already know, but that theatergoers will certainly appreciate hearing. The maneuvering to get to this exposition is sometimes stilted, but often deftly done.

Lorraine:You sometimes sound just like my daddy.

James: So, he was a wise, incredibly handsome and debonair man?

Lorraine:He was, until good ‘ol American racism killed him too early.

The sweetest surprise in “Sweet Lorraine” is the presence of Valisia LeKae, five-time Broadway veteran, who was nominated for a Tony for her exquisite portrayal of Diana Ross in “Motown.” LeKae had to drop out of Motown after a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. Here she is more than five years later, portraying a woman dying of pancreatic cancer, which is brave and admirable and reason enough to be happy that this production exists. (She has a fine companion and sparring partner in Christopher Augustin as Baldwin.)

“Sweet Lorraine” is a terrific idea, and my hope is that the creative team continues to work on the play beyond its handful of performances at the Rave Festival.

There are what I consider some mistakes, such as the opening scene of Lorraine talking on the telephone with her ex-husband Robert. She is ranting about “The Drinking Gourd,” a television script about slavery that NBC commissioned from her (years before “Roots”!) and then declined to broadcast. The problem is not that this happened in 1960, five years before the play is supposed to take place (One expects this kind of fudging of time for dramatic purposes.) My problem is that Lorraine Hansberry is presented as foul-mouthed and soap-boxy. The first words out of her mouth are: “Fuck them! Fuck them all!” She calls the NBC executives “white devils” and compares herself to Anne Frank and Emmitt Till and Beethoven trying to create the Ninth Symphony.

It would shock me if any of the sentences in this opening telephone rant come verbatim from Lorraine Hansberry. Did she really curse so much? It strikes me as unlikely; she was the daughter of a proper, proud affluent Chicago family; her mother was a schoolteacher. I’ve read all of her plays, and I can’t remember any of her characters being so loose with four-letter words. But, more importantly, the cursing and self-aggrandizement is symptomatic of a certain uncharacteristic lack of sophistication in the way that the Lorraine of the play expresses herself.

As I wrote when reviewing Imani Perry’s book, Looking For Lorraine,

https://newyorktheater.me/2019/02/15/looking-for-lorraine-the-radiant-and-radical-life-of-lorraine-hansberry/, Hansberry was unquestionably a radical activist, so much so that the FBI had her under surveillance for years. But her impassioned sentences were also elegant, erudite, well-reasoned and witty. Could this really only have been when she put them down on paper?

It’s worth noting that the James Baldwin of “Sweet Lorraine” brings up his homosexuality early and often, complete with campy references. But there is no mention of Lorraine Hansberry’s own queer identity – just a fleeting line about her wanting to see “the end to queer persecution.” It’s well established that Hansberry not only had a female lover but wrote for pioneering lesbian publications, albeit under a pseudonym – a fact that Baldwin surely knew, and a subject that might well have come up in what could have been their last conversation together.

Rave Theater Festival Reviews: Sweet Lorraine, Ni Mi Madre, Stormy Weather What is a gay play? These three very different plays in the first week of the new Rave Theater Festival could all arguably fit the label, but it would mean stretching the definition beyond the normal assumptions.

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thesnhuup · 5 years

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Pop Picks — July 1, 2019

July 1, 2019

What I’m listening to:

The National remains my favorite band and probably 50% of my listening time is a National album or playlist. Their new album I Am Easy To Find feels like a turning point record for the band, going from the moody, outsider introspection and doubt of lead singer Matt Berninger to something that feels more adult, sophisticated, and wiser. I might have titled it Women Help The Band Grow Up. Matt is no longer the center of The National’s universe and he frequently cedes the mic to the many women who accompany and often lead on the long, their longest, album. They include Gail Ann Dorsey (who sang with Bowie for a long time), who is amazing, and a number of the songs were written by Carin Besser, Berninger’s wife. I especially love the Brooklyn Youth Chorus, the arrangements, and the sheer complexity and coherence of the work. It still amazes me when I meet someone who does not know The National. My heart breaks for them just a little.

What I’m reading:

Pat Barker’s The Silence of the Girls is a retelling of Homer’s Iliad through the lens of a captive Trojan queen, Briseis. As a reviewer in The Atlantic writes, it answers the question “What does war mean to women?” We know the answer and it has always been true, whether it is the casual and assumed rape of captive women in this ancient war story or the use of rape in modern day Congo, Syria, or any other conflict zone. Yet literature almost never gives voice to the women – almost always minor characters at best — and their unspeakable suffering. Barker does it here for Briseis, for Hector’s wife Andromache, and for the other women who understand that the death of their men is tragedy, but what they then endure is worse. Think of it ancient literature having its own #MeToo moment. The NY Times’ Geraldine Brooks did not much like the novel. I did. Very much.

What I’m watching:

The BBC-HBO limited series Years and Years is breathtaking, scary, and absolutely familiar. It’s as if Black Mirror and Children of Men had a baby and it precisely captures the zeitgeist, the current sense that the world is spinning out of control and things are coming at us too fast. It is a near future (Trump has been re-elected and Brexit has occurred finally)…not dystopia exactly, but damn close. The closing scene of last week’s first episode (there are 6 episodes and it’s on every Monday) shows nuclear war breaking out between China and the U.S. Yikes! The scope of this show is wide and there is a big, baggy feel to it – but I love the ambition even if I’m not looking forward to the nightmares.

Archive

May 19, 2019

What I’m listening to:

I usually go to music here, but I was really moved by this podcast of a Davis Brooks talk at the Commonwealth Club in Silicon Valley: https://www.commonwealthclub.org/events/archive/podcast/david-brooks-quest-moral-life. While I have long found myself distant from his political stance, he has come through a dark night of the soul and emerged with a wonderful clarity about calling, community, and not happiness (that most superficial of goals), but fulfillment and meaning, found in community and human kinship of many kinds. I immediately sent it to my kids.

What I’m reading:

Susan Orlean’s wonderful The Library Book, a love song to libraries told through the story of the LA Central Library. It brought back cherished memories of my many hours in beloved libraries — as a kid in the Waltham Public Library, a high schooler in the Farber Library at Brandeis (Lil Farber years later became a mentor of mine), and the cathedral-like Bapst Library at BC when I was a graduate student. Yes, I was a nerd. This is a love song to books certainly, but a reminder that libraries are so, so much more. It is a reminder that libraries are less about a place or being a repository of information and, like America at its best, an idea and ideal. By the way, oh to write like her.

What I’m watching:

What else? Game of Thrones, like any sensible human being. This last season is disappointing in many ways and the drop off in the writing post George R.R. Martin is as clear as was the drop off in the post-Sorkin West Wing. I would be willing to bet that if Martin has been writing the last season, Sansa and Tyrion would have committed suicide in the crypt. That said, we fans are deeply invested and even the flaws are giving us so much to discuss and debate. In that sense, the real gift of this last season is the enjoyment between episodes, like the old pre-streaming days when we all arrived at work after the latest episode of the Sopranos to discuss what we had all seen the night before. I will say this, the last two episodes — full of battle and gore – have been visually stunning. Whether the torches of the Dothraki being extinguished in the distance or Arya riding through rubble and flame on a white horse, rarely has the series ascended to such visual grandeur.

March 28, 2019

What I’m listening to:

There is a lovely piece played in a scene from A Place Called Home that I tracked down. It’s Erik Satie’s 3 Gymnopédies: Gymnopédie No. 1, played by the wonderful pianist Klára Körmendi. Satie composed this piece in 1888 and it was considered avant-garde and anti-Romantic. It’s minimalism and bit of dissonance sound fresh and contemporary to my ears and while not a huge Classical music fan, I’ve fallen in love with the Körmendi playlist on Spotify. When you need an alternative to hours of Cardi B.

What I’m reading:

Just finished Esi Edugyan’s 2018 novel Washington Black. Starting on a slave plantation in Barbados, it is a picaresque novel that has elements of Jules Verne, Moby Dick, Frankenstein, and Colson Whitehead’s Underground Railroad. Yes, it strains credulity and there are moments of “huh?”, but I loved it (disclosure: I was in the minority among my fellow book club members) and the first third is a searing depiction of slavery. It’s audacious, sprawling (from Barbados to the Arctic to London to Africa), and the writing, especially about nature, luminous.

What I’m watching:

A soap opera. Yes, I’d like to pretend it’s something else, but we are 31 episodes into the Australian drama A Place Called Home and we are so, so addicted. Like “It’s AM, but can’t we watch just one more episode?” addicted. Despite all the secrets, cliff hangers, intrigue, and “did that just happen?” moments, the core ingredients of any good soap opera, APCH has superb acting, real heft in terms of subject matter (including homophobia, anti-Semitism, sexual assault, and class), touches of our beloved Downton Abbey, and great cars. Beware. If you start, you won’t stop.

February 11, 2019

What I’m listening to:

Raphael Saadiq has been around for quite a while, as a musician, writer, and producer. He’s new to me and I love his old school R&B sound. Like Leon Bridges, he brings a contemporary freshness to the genre, sounding like a young Stevie Wonder (listen to “You’re The One That I Like”). Rock and Roll may be largely dead, but R&B persists – maybe because the former was derivative of the latter and never as good (and I say that as a Rock and Roll fan). I’m embarrassed to only have discovered Saadiq so late in his career, but it’s a delight to have done so.

What I’m reading:

Just finished Marilynne Robinson’s Home, part of her trilogy that includes the Pulitzer Prize winning first novel, Gilead, and the book after Home, Lila. Robinson is often described as a Christian writer, but not in a conventional sense. In this case, she gives us a modern version of the prodigal son and tells the story of what comes after he is welcomed back home. It’s not pretty. Robinson is a self-described Calvinist, thus character begets fate in Robinson’s world view and redemption is at best a question. There is something of Faulkner in her work (I am much taken with his famous “The past is never past” quote after a week in the deep South), her style is masterful, and like Faulkner, she builds with these three novels a whole universe in the small town of Gilead. Start with Gilead to better enjoy Home.

What I’m watching:

Sex Education was the most fun series we’ve seen in ages and we binged watched it on Netflix. A British homage to John Hughes films like The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and Pretty in Pink, it feels like a mash up of American and British high schools. Focusing on the relationship of Maeve, the smart bad girl, and Otis, the virginal and awkward son of a sex therapist (played with brilliance by Gillian Anderson), it is laugh aloud funny and also evolves into more substance and depth (the abortion episode is genius). The sex scenes are somehow raunchy and charming and inoffensive at the same time and while ostensibly about teenagers (it feels like it is explaining contemporary teens to adults in many ways), the adults are compelling in their good and bad ways. It has been renewed for a second season, which is a gift.

January 3, 2019

What I’m listening to:

My listening choices usually refer to music, but this time I’m going with Malcolm Gladwell’s Revisionist History podcast on genius and the song Hallelujah. It tells the story of Leonard Cohen’s much-covered song Hallelujah and uses it as a lens on kinds of genius and creativity. Along the way, he brings in Picasso and Cézanne, Elvis Costello, and more. Gladwell is a good storyteller and if you love pop music, as I do, and Hallelujah, as I do (and you should), you’ll enjoy this podcast. We tend to celebrate the genius who seems inspired in the moment, creating new work like lightning strikes, but this podcast has me appreciating incremental creativity in a new way. It’s compelling and fun at the same time.

What I’m reading:

Just read Clay Christensen’s new book, The Prosperity Paradox: How Innovation Can Lift Nations Out of Poverty. This was an advance copy, so soon available. Clay is an old friend and a huge influence on how we have grown SNHU and our approach to innovation. This book is so compelling, because we know attempts at development have so often been a failure and it is often puzzling to understand why some countries with desperate poverty and huge challenges somehow come to thrive (think S. Korea, Singapore, 19th C. America), while others languish. Clay offers a fresh way of thinking about development through the lens of his research on innovation and it is compelling. I bet this book gets a lot of attention, as most of his work does. I also suspect that many in the development community will hate it, as it calls into question the approach and enormous investments we have made in an attempt to lift countries out of poverty. A provocative read and, as always, Clay is a good storyteller.

What I’m watching:

Just watched Leave No Trace and should have guessed that it was directed by Debra Granik. She did Winter’s Bone, the extraordinary movie that launched Jennifer Lawrence’s career. Similarly, this movie features an amazing young actor, Thomasin McKenzie, and visits lives lived on the margins. In this case, a veteran suffering PTSD, and his 13-year-old daughter. The movie is patient, is visually lush, and justly earned 100% on Rotten Tomatoes (I have a rule to never watch anything under 82%). Everything in this film is under control and beautifully understated (aside from the visuals) – confident acting, confident directing, and so humane. I love the lack of flashbacks, the lack of sensationalism – the movie trusts the viewer, rare in this age of bombast. A lovely film.

December 4, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Spending a week in New Zealand, we had endless laughs listening to the Kiwi band, Flight of the Conchords. Lots of comedic bands are funny, but the music is only okay or worse. These guys are funny – hysterical really – and the music is great. They have an uncanny ability to parody almost any style. In both New Zealand and Australia, we found a wry sense of humor that was just delightful and no better captured than with this duo. You don’t have to be in New Zealand to enjoy them.

What I’m reading:

I don’t often reread. For two reasons: A) I have so many books on my “still to be read” pile that it seems daunting to also rereadbooks I loved before, and B) it’s because I loved them once that I’m a little afraid to read them again. That said, I was recently asked to list my favorite book of all time and I answered Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. But I don’t really know if that’s still true (and it’s an impossible question anyway – favorite book? On what day? In what mood?), so I’m rereading it and it feels like being with an old friend. It has one of my very favorite scenes ever: the card game between Levin and Kitty that leads to the proposal and his joyous walking the streets all night.

What I’m watching:

Blindspotting is billed as a buddy-comedy. Wow does that undersell it and the drama is often gripping. I loved Daveed Diggs in Hamilton, didn’t like his character in Black-ish, and think he is transcendent in this film he co-wrote with Rafael Casal, his co-star. The film is a love song to Oakland in many ways, but also a gut-wrenching indictment of police brutality, systemic racism and bias, and gentrification. The film has the freshness and raw visceral impact of Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing. A great soundtrack, genre mixing, and energy make it one of my favorite movies of 2018.

October 15, 2018

What I’m listening to:

We had the opportunity to see our favorite band, The National, live in Dallas two weeks ago. Just after watching Mistaken for Strangers, the documentary sort of about the band. So we’ve spent a lot of time going back into their earlier work, listening to songs we don’t know well, and reaffirming that their musicality, smarts, and sound are both original and astoundingly good. They did not disappoint in concert and it is a good thing their tour ended, as we might just spend all of our time and money following them around. Matt Berninger is a genius and his lead vocals kill me (and because they are in my range, I can actually sing along!). Their arrangements are profoundly good and go right to whatever brain/heart wiring that pulls one in and doesn’t let them go.

What I’m reading:

Who is Richard Powers and why have I only discovered him now, with his 12th book? Overstory is profoundly good, a book that is essential and powerful and makes me look at my everyday world in new ways. In short, a dizzying example of how powerful can be narrative in the hands of a master storyteller. I hesitate to say it’s the best environmental novel I’ve ever read (it is), because that would put this book in a category. It is surely about the natural world, but it is as much about we humans. It’s monumental and elegiac and wondrous at all once. Cancel your day’s schedule and read it now. Then plant a tree. A lot of them.

What I’m watching:

Bo Burnham wrote and directed Eighth Grade and Elsie Fisher is nothing less than amazing as its star (what’s with these new child actors; see Florida Project). It’s funny and painful and touching. It’s also the single best film treatment that I have seen of what it means to grow up in a social media shaped world. It’s a reminder that growing up is hard. Maybe harder now in a world of relentless, layered digital pressure to curate perfect lives that are far removed from the natural messy worlds and selves we actually inhabit. It’s a well-deserved 98% on Rotten Tomatoes and I wonder who dinged it for the missing 2%.

September 7, 2018

What I’m listening to:

With a cover pointing back to the Beastie Boys’ 1986 Licensed to Ill, Eminem’s quietly released Kamikaze is not my usual taste, but I’ve always admired him for his “all out there” willingness to be personal, to call people out, and his sheer genius with language. I thought Daveed Diggs could rap fast, but Eminem is supersonic at moments, and still finds room for melody. Love that he includes Joyner Lucas, whose “I’m Not Racist” gets added to the growing list of simply amazing music videos commenting on race in America. There are endless reasons why I am the least likely Eminem fan, but when no one is around to make fun of me, I’ll put it on again.

What I’m reading:

Lesley Blume’s Everyone Behaves Badly, which is the story behind Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises and his time in 1920s Paris (oh, what a time – see Midnight in Paris if you haven’t already). Of course, Blume disabuses my romantic ideas of that time and place and everyone is sort of (or profoundly so) a jerk, especially…no spoiler here…Hemingway. That said, it is a compelling read and coming off the Henry James inspired prose of Mrs. Osmond, it made me appreciate more how groundbreaking was Hemingway’s modern prose style. Like his contemporary Picasso, he reinvented the art and it can be easy to forget, these decades later, how profound was the change and its impact. And it has bullfights.

What I’m watching:

Chloé Zhao’s The Rider is just exceptional. It’s filmed on the Pine Ridge Reservation, which provides a stunning landscape, and it feels like a classic western reinvented for our times. The main characters are played by the real-life people who inspired this narrative (but feels like a documentary) film. Brady Jandreau, playing himself really, owns the screen. It’s about manhood, honor codes, loss, and resilience – rendered in sensitive, nuanced, and heartfelt ways. It feels like it could be about large swaths of America today. Really powerful.

August 16, 2018

What I’m listening to:

In my Spotify Daily Mix was Percy Sledge’s When A Man Loves A Woman, one of the world’s greatest love songs. Go online and read the story of how the song was discovered and recorded. There are competing accounts, but Sledge said he improvised it after a bad breakup. It has that kind of aching spontaneity. It is another hit from Muscle Shoals, Alabama, one of the GREAT music hotbeds, along with Detroit, Nashville, and Memphis. Our February Board meeting is in Alabama and I may finally have to do the pilgrimage road trip to Muscle Shoals and then Memphis, dropping in for Sunday services at the church where Rev. Al Green still preaches and sings. If the music is all like this, I will be saved.

What I’m reading:

John Banville’s Mrs. Osmond, his homage to literary idol Henry James and an imagined sequel to James’ 1881 masterpiece Portrait of a Lady. Go online and read the first paragraph of Chapter 25. He is…profoundly good. Makes me want to never write again, since anything I attempt will feel like some other, lowly activity in comparison to his mastery of language, image, syntax. This is slow reading, every sentence to be savored.

What I’m watching:

I’ve always respected Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, but we just watched the documentary RGB. It is over-the-top great and she is now one of my heroes. A superwoman in many ways and the documentary is really well done. There are lots of scenes of her speaking to crowds and the way young women, especially law students, look at her is touching. And you can’t help but fall in love with her now late husband Marty. See this movie and be reminded of how important is the Law.

July 23, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Spotify’s Summer Acoustic playlist has been on repeat quite a lot. What a fun way to listen to artists new to me, including The Paper Kites, Hollow Coves, and Fleet Foxes, as well as old favorites like Leon Bridges and Jose Gonzalez. Pretty chill when dialing back to a summer pace, dining on the screen porch or reading a book.

What I’m reading:

Bryan Stevenson’s Just Mercy. Founder of the Equal Justice Initiative, Stevenson tells of the racial injustice (and the war on the poor our judicial system perpetuates as well) that he discovered as a young graduate from Harvard Law School and his fight to address it. It is in turn heartbreaking, enraging, and inspiring. It is also about mercy and empathy and justice that reads like a novel. Brilliant.

What I’m watching:

Fauda. We watched season one of this Israeli thriller. It was much discussed in Israel because while it focuses on an ex-special agent who comes out of retirement to track down a Palestinian terrorist, it was willing to reveal the complexity, richness, and emotions of Palestinian lives. And the occasional brutality of the Israelis. Pretty controversial stuff in Israel. Lior Raz plays Doron, the main character, and is compelling and tough and often hard to like. He’s a mess. As is the world in which he has to operate. We really liked it, and also felt guilty because while it may have been brave in its treatment of Palestinians within the Israeli context, it falls back into some tired tropes and ultimately falls short on this front.

June 11, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Like everyone else, I’m listening to Pusha T drop the mic on Drake. Okay, not really, but do I get some points for even knowing that? We all walk around with songs that immediately bring us back to a time or a place. Songs are time machines. We are coming up on Father’s Day. My own dad passed away on Father’s Day back in 1994 and I remembering dutifully getting through the wake and funeral and being strong throughout. Then, sitting alone in our kitchen, Don Henley’s The End of the Innocence came on and I lost it. When you lose a parent for the first time (most of us have two after all) we lose our innocence and in that passage, we suddenly feel adult in a new way (no matter how old we are), a longing for our own childhood, and a need to forgive and be forgiven. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll understand. As Wordsworth reminds us in In Memoriam, there are seasons to our grief and, all these years later, this song no longer hits me in the gut, but does transport me back with loving memories of my father. I’ll play it Father’s Day.

What I’m reading:

The Fifth Season, by N. K. Jemisin. I am not a reader of fantasy or sci-fi, though I understand they can be powerful vehicles for addressing the very real challenges of the world in which we actually live. I’m not sure I know of a more vivid and gripping illustration of that fact than N. K. Jemisin’s Hugo Award winning novel The Fifth Season, first in her Broken Earth trilogy. It is astounding. It is the fantasy parallel to The Underground Railroad, my favorite recent read, a depiction of subjugation, power, casual violence, and a broken world in which our hero(s) struggle, suffer mightily, and still, somehow, give us hope. It is a tour de force book. How can someone be this good a writer? The first 30 pages pained me (always with this genre, one must learn a new, constructed world, and all of its operating physics and systems of order), and then I could not put it down. I panicked as I neared the end, not wanting to finish the book, and quickly ordered the Obelisk Gate, the second novel in the trilogy, and I can tell you now that I’ll be spending some goodly portion of my weekend in Jemisin’s other world.

What I’m watching:

The NBA Finals and perhaps the best basketball player of this generation. I’ve come to deeply respect LeBron James as a person, a force for social good, and now as an extraordinary player at the peak of his powers. His superhuman play during the NBA playoffs now ranks with the all-time greats, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, MJ, Kobe, and the demi-god that was Bill Russell. That his Cavs lost in a 4-game sweep is no surprise. It was a mediocre team being carried on the wide shoulders of James (and matched against one of the greatest teams ever, the Warriors, and the Harry Potter of basketball, Steph Curry) and, in some strange way, his greatness is amplified by the contrast with the rest of his team. It was a great run.

May 24, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I’ve always liked Alicia Keys and admired her social activism, but I am hooked on her last album Here. This feels like an album finally commensurate with her anger, activism, hope, and grit. More R&B and Hip Hop than is typical for her, I think this album moves into an echelon inhabited by a Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On or Beyonce’s Formation. Social activism and outrage rarely make great novels, but they often fuel great popular music. Here is a terrific example.

What I’m reading:

Colson Whitehead’s Underground Railroad may be close to a flawless novel. Winner of the 2017 Pulitzer, it chronicles the lives of two runaway slaves, Cora and Caeser, as they try to escape the hell of plantation life in Georgia. It is an often searing novel and Cora is one of the great heroes of American literature. I would make this mandatory reading in every high school in America, especially in light of the absurd revisionist narratives of “happy and well cared for” slaves. This is a genuinely great novel, one of the best I’ve read, the magical realism and conflating of time periods lifts it to another realm of social commentary, relevance, and a blazing indictment of America’s Original Sin, for which we remain unabsolved.

What I’m watching:

I thought I knew about The Pentagon Papers, but The Post, a real-life political thriller from Steven Spielberg taught me a lot, features some of our greatest actors, and is so timely given the assault on our democratic institutions and with a presidency out of control. It is a reminder that a free and fearless press is a powerful part of our democracy, always among the first targets of despots everywhere. The story revolves around the legendary Post owner and D.C. doyenne, Katharine Graham. I had the opportunity to see her son, Don Graham, right after he saw the film, and he raved about Meryl Streep’s portrayal of his mother. Liked it a lot more than I expected.

April 27, 2018

What I’m listening to:

I mentioned John Prine in a recent post and then on the heels of that mention, he has released a new album, The Tree of Forgiveness, his first new album in ten years. Prine is beloved by other singer songwriters and often praised by the inscrutable God that is Bob Dylan. Indeed, Prine was frequently said to be the “next Bob Dylan” in the early part of his career, though he instead carved out his own respectable career and voice, if never with the dizzying success of Dylan. The new album reflects a man in his 70s, a cancer survivor, who reflects on life and its end, but with the good humor and empathy that are hallmarks of Prine’s music. “When I Get To Heaven” is a rollicking, fun vision of what comes next and a pure delight. A charming, warm, and often terrific album.

What I’m reading:

I recently read Min Jin Lee’s Pachinko, on many people’s Top Ten lists for last year and for good reason. It is sprawling, multi-generational, and based in the world of Japanese occupied Korea and then in the Korean immigrant’s world of Oaska, so our key characters become “tweeners,” accepted in neither world. It’s often unspeakably sad, and yet there is resiliency and love. There is also intimacy, despite the time and geographic span of the novel. It’s breathtakingly good and like all good novels, transporting.

What I’m watching:

I adore Guillermo del Toro’s 2006 film, Pan’s Labyrinth, and while I’m not sure his Shape of Water is better, it is a worthy follow up to the earlier masterpiece (and more of a commercial success). Lots of critics dislike the film, but I’m okay with a simple retelling of a Beauty and the Beast love story, as predictable as it might be. The acting is terrific, it is visually stunning, and there are layers of pain as well as social and political commentary (the setting is the US during the Cold War) and, no real spoiler here, the real monsters are humans, the military officer who sees over the captured aquatic creature. It is hauntingly beautiful and its depiction of hatred to those who are different or “other” is painfully resonant with the time in which we live. Put this on your “must see” list.

March 18, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Sitting on a plane for hours (and many more to go; geez, Australia is far away) is a great opportunity to listen to new music and to revisit old favorites. This time, it is Lucy Dacus and her album Historians, the new sophomore release from a 22-year old indie artist that writes with relatable, real-life lyrics. Just on a second listen and while she insists this isn’t a break up record (as we know, 50% of all great songs are break up songs), it is full of loss and pain. Worth the listen so far. For the way back machine, it’s John Prine and In Spite of Ourselves (that title track is one of the great love songs of all time), a collection of duets with some of his “favorite girl singers” as he once described them. I have a crush on Iris Dement (for a really righteously angry song try her Wasteland of the Free), but there is also EmmyLou Harris, the incomparable Dolores Keane, and Lucinda Williams. Very different albums, both wonderful.

What I’m reading:

Jane Mayer’s New Yorker piece on Christopher Steele presents little that is new, but she pulls it together in a terrific and coherent whole that is illuminating and troubling at the same time. Not only for what is happening, but for the complicity of the far right in trying to discredit that which should be setting off alarm bells everywhere. Bob Mueller may be the most important defender of the democracy at this time. A must read.

What I’m watching:

Homeland is killing it this season and is prescient, hauntingly so. Russian election interference, a Bannon-style hate radio demagogue, alienated and gun toting militia types, and a president out of control. It’s fabulous, even if it feels awfully close to the evening news.

March 8, 2018

What I’m listening to:

We have a family challenge to compile our Top 100 songs. It is painful. Only 100? No more than three songs by one artist? Wait, why is M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes” on my list? Should it just be The Clash from whom she samples? Can I admit to guilty pleasure songs? Hey, it’s my list and I can put anything I want on it. So I’m listening to the list while I work and the song playing right now is Tom Petty’s “The Wild One, Forever,” a B-side single that was never a hit and that remains my favorite Petty song. Also, “Evangeline” by Los Lobos. It evokes a night many years ago, with friends at Pearl Street in Northampton, MA, when everyone danced well past 1AM in a hot, sweaty, packed club and the band was a revelation. Maybe the best music night of our lives and a reminder that one’s 100 Favorite Songs list is as much about what you were doing and where you were in your life when those songs were playing as it is about the music. It’s not a list. It’s a soundtrack for this journey.

What I’m reading:

Patricia Lockwood’s Priestdaddy was in the NY Times top ten books of 2017 list and it is easy to see why. Lockwood brings remarkable and often surprising imagery, metaphor, and language to her prose memoir and it actually threw me off at first. It then all became clear when someone told me she is a poet. The book is laugh aloud funny, which masks (or makes safer anyway) some pretty dark territory. Anyone who grew up Catholic, whether lapsed or not, will resonate with her story. She can’t resist a bawdy anecdote and her family provides some of the most memorable characters possible, especially her father, her sister, and her mother, who I came to adore. Best thing I’ve read in ages.

What I’m watching:

The Florida Project, a profoundly good movie on so many levels. Start with the central character, six-year old (at the time of the filming) Brooklynn Prince, who owns – I mean really owns – the screen. This is pure acting genius and at that age? Astounding. Almost as astounding is Bria Vinaite, who plays her mother. She was discovered on Instagram and had never acted before this role, which she did with just three weeks of acting lessons. She is utterly convincing and the tension between the child’s absolute wonder and joy in the world with her mother’s struggle to provide, to be a mother, is heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. Willem Dafoe rightly received an Oscar nomination for his supporting role. This is a terrific movie.

February 12, 2018

What I’m listening to:

So, I have a lot of friends of age (I know you’re thinking 40s, but I just turned 60) who are frozen in whatever era of music they enjoyed in college or maybe even in their thirties. There are lots of times when I reach back into the catalog, since music is one of those really powerful and transporting senses that can take you through time (smell is the other one, though often underappreciated for that power). Hell, I just bought a turntable and now spending time in vintage vinyl shops. But I’m trying to take a lesson from Pat, who revels in new music and can as easily talk about North African rap music and the latest National album as Meet the Beatles, her first ever album. So, I’ve been listening to Kendrick Lamar’s Grammy winning Damn. While it may not be the first thing I’ll reach for on a winter night in Maine, by the fire, I was taken with it. It’s layered, political, and weirdly sensitive and misogynist at the same time, and it feels fresh and authentic and smart at the same time, with music that often pulled me from what I was doing. In short, everything music should do. I’m not a bit cooler for listening to Damn, but when I followed it with Steely Dan, I felt like I was listening to Lawrence Welk. A good sign, I think.

What I’m reading:

I am reading Walter Isaacson’s new biography of Leonardo da Vinci. I’m not usually a reader of biographies, but I’ve always been taken with Leonardo. Isaacson does not disappoint (does he ever?), and his subject is at once more human and accessible and more awe-inspiring in Isaacson’s capable hands. Gay, left-handed, vegetarian, incapable of finishing things, a wonderful conversationalist, kind, and perhaps the most relentlessly curious human being who has ever lived. Like his biographies of Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein, Isaacson’s project here is to show that genius lives at the intersection of science and art, of rationality and creativity. Highly recommend it.

What I’m watching:

We watched the This Is Us post-Super Bowl episode, the one where Jack finally buys the farm. I really want to hate this show. It is melodramatic and manipulative, with characters that mostly never change or grow, and it hooks me every damn time we watch it. The episode last Sunday was a tear jerker, a double whammy intended to render into a blubbering, tissue-crumbling pathetic mess anyone who has lost a parent or who is a parent. Sterling K. Brown, Ron Cephas Jones, the surprising Mandy Moore, and Milo Ventimiglia are hard not to love and last season’s episode that had only Brown and Cephas going to Memphis was the show at its best (they are by far the two best actors). Last week was the show at its best worst. In other words, I want to hate it, but I love it. If you haven’t seen it, don’t binge watch it. You’ll need therapy and insulin.

January 15, 2018

What I’m listening to:

Drive-By Truckers. Chris Stapleton has me on an unusual (for me) country theme and I discovered these guys to my great delight. They’ve been around, with some 11 albums, but the newest one is fascinating. It’s a deep dive into Southern alienation and the white working-class world often associated with our current president. I admire the willingness to lay bare, in kick ass rock songs, the complexities and pain at work among people we too quickly place into overly simple categories. These guys are brave, bold, and thoughtful as hell, while producing songs I didn’t expect to like, but that I keep playing. And they are coming to NH.

What I’m reading:

A textual analog to Drive-By Truckers by Chris Stapleton in many ways is Tony Horowitz’s 1998 Pulitzer Prize winning Confederates in the Attic. Ostensibly about the Civil War and the South’s ongoing attachment to it, it is prescient and speaks eloquently to the times in which we live (where every southern state but Virginia voted for President Trump). Often hilarious, it too surfaces complexities and nuance that escape a more recent, and widely acclaimed, book like Hillbilly Elegy. As a Civil War fan, it was also astonishing in many instances, especially when it blows apart long-held “truths” about the war, such as the degree to which Sherman burned down the south (he did not). Like D-B Truckers, Horowitz loves the South and the people he encounters, even as he grapples with its myths of victimhood and exceptionalism (and racism, which may be no more than the racism in the north, but of a different kind). Everyone should read this book and I’m embarrassed I’m so late to it.

What I’m watching:

David Letterman has a new Netflix show called “My Next Guest Needs No Introduction” and we watched the first episode, in which Letterman interviewed Barack Obama. It was extraordinary (if you don’t have Netflix, get it just to watch this show); not only because we were reminded of Obama’s smarts, grace, and humanity (and humor), but because we saw a side of Letterman we didn’t know existed. His personal reflections on Selma were raw and powerful, almost painful. He will do five more episodes with “extraordinary individuals” and if they are anything like the first, this might be the very best work of his career and one of the best things on television.

December 22, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished Sunjeev Sahota’s Year of the Runaways, a painful inside look at the plight of illegal Indian immigrant workers in Britain. It was shortlisted for 2015 Man Booker Prize and its transporting, often to a dark and painful universe, and it is impossible not to think about the American version of this story and the terrible way we treat the undocumented in our own country, especially now.

What I’m watching:

Season II of The Crown is even better than Season I. Elizabeth’s character is becoming more three-dimensional, the modern world is catching up with tradition-bound Britain, and Cold War politics offer more context and tension than we saw in Season I. Claire Foy, in her last season, is just terrific – one arched eye brow can send a message.

What I’m listening to:

A lot of Christmas music, but needing a break from the schmaltz, I’ve discovered Over the Rhine and their Christmas album, Snow Angels. God, these guys are good.

November 14, 2017

What I’m watching:

Guiltily, I watch the Patriots play every weekend, often building my schedule and plans around seeing the game. Why the guilt? I don’t know how morally defensible is football anymore, as we now know the severe damage it does to the players. We can’t pretend it’s all okay anymore. Is this our version of late decadent Rome, watching mostly young Black men take a terrible toll on each other for our mere entertainment?

What I’m reading:

Recently finished J.G. Ballard’s 2000 novel Super-Cannes, a powerful depiction of a corporate-tech ex-pat community taken over by a kind of psychopathology, in which all social norms and responsibilities are surrendered to residents of the new world community. Kept thinking about Silicon Valley when reading it. Pretty dark, dystopian view of the modern world and centered around a mass killing, troublingly prescient.

What I’m listening to:

Was never really a Lorde fan, only knowing her catchy (and smarter than you might first guess) pop hit “Royals” from her debut album. But her new album, Melodrama, is terrific and it doesn’t feel quite right to call this “pop.” There is something way more substantial going on with Lorde and I can see why many critics put this album at the top of their Best in 2017 list. Count me in as a huge fan.

November 3, 2017

What I’m reading: Just finished Celeste Ng’s Little Fires Everywhere, her breathtakingly good second novel. How is someone so young so wise? Her writing is near perfection and I read the book in two days, setting my alarm for 4:30AM so I could finish it before work.

What I’m watching: We just binge watched season two of Stranger Things and it was worth it just to watch Millie Bobbie Brown, the transcendent young actor who plays Eleven. The series is a delightful mash up of every great eighties horror genre you can imagine and while pretty dark, an absolute joy to watch.

What I’m listening to: I’m not a lover of country music (to say the least), but I love Chris Stapleton. His “The Last Thing I Needed, First Thing This Morning” is heartbreakingly good and reminds me of the old school country that played in my house as a kid. He has a new album and I can’t wait, but his From A Room: Volume 1 is on repeat for now.

September 26, 2017

What I’m reading:

Just finished George Saunder’s Lincoln in the Bardo. It took me a while to accept its cadence and sheer weirdness, but loved it in the end. A painful meditation on loss and grief, and a genuinely beautiful exploration of the intersection of life and death, the difficulty of letting go of what was, good and bad, and what never came to be.

What I’m watching:

HBO’s The Deuce. Times Square and the beginning of the porn industry in the 1970s, the setting made me wonder if this was really something I’d want to see. But David Simon is the writer and I’d read a menu if he wrote it. It does not disappoint so far and there is nothing prurient about it.

What I’m listening to:

The National’s new album Sleep Well Beast. I love this band. The opening piano notes of the first song, “Nobody Else Will Be There,” seize me & I’m reminded that no one else in music today matches their arrangement & musicianship. I’m adding “Born to Beg,” “Slow Show,” “I Need My Girl,” and “Runaway” to my list of favorite love songs.

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laurenathalasa · 5 years

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I am my own worst enemy. Today I am going to face why.

In my attempts to move past abuse in my life, I write about it.

Anyone who is a writer will know that this a double edged sword. A slippery slope. I’ll explain for those of you who may be confused.

My main character of the novel I am writing is called Hazel. In my world, magic manifests in many ways. In her, it gives her the ability to give life. Most common is her ability to give life to thoughts and feelings; physical entities of mere concepts in our world. Depression. Happiness. Anxiety. Love.

When first writing Hazel, I had written her with a back story of simple bullying. One where her powers had appeared slowly, and the manifestation of her sadness and anger in an entity called Felicity was simply interpreted by Hazel as being another one of her tormentors.

Upon editing the manuscript, and doing my own research, I realized that Hazel’s ability to create similar, yet different, parts of herself as people was similar to that of DID. I wanted to give people with DID representation, even if it had originally been a coincidence.

However, most people with DID develop the disorder due to previous trauma. Abuse. Sexual abuse most specifically.

So I decided that Hazel’s tormentors would be predominantly male, and made their advances and torment of her more serious. When making that decision I had been excited. I thought it was something important for people to read. I thought it would make the book seem as if to be for an older audience, and less trivial than simply another book about magic. I was excited.

Then I sat down to write it, and very quickly realized a problem.

My experiences with abuse ‘ended’ 2 years ago. My mental state has hills and peaks because of it, and I do my best to handle the problems associated with it on my own.

However, writing a conversation between a main character having experienced sexual abuse, and a physical manifestation of ‘Love’, isn’t something I think a therapist would suggest.

Writing about the abuse Hazel experienced was too difficult, and I had to avoid the subject completely, promising myself I would go back and write it when I was ‘better’.

However, when she talked to ‘Love’, I found it hard to find what I wanted Love to say.

How could I give advice to a character about something that I didn't know how to overcome?

At first I had Love tell her to ‘share the burden’, but, in reality, I don’t think that’s something a lot of us want. To share that part of ourselves; that part that was weak and still is for not being past something so long ago; that is not something we want to tell partners or friends or family.

It feels like coming out of the closet to someone unaccepting; you can’t decide whether you would rather they say ‘I don’t believe you’ or pretend not to have heard.

I find myself at a crossroads. A dilemma. I cannot let this part of her stay unspoken; to do so would to fail any and all who have suffered from abuse in all its forms, yet I cannot write about what is so important without reliving trauma myself.

Sleepless nights, frightening dreams, having to sit with my back to the wall as protection, headphones on to avoid silence and avoid speaking, snapping at people to protect myself, staying up unconventionally late out of fear, turning the light on in the middle of the night to make sure I’m truly alone, ghosts of touches at night that won’t leave, rooms sounding like they’re underwater...

I could carry on for days.

Most importantly, if I were to write this part of Hazel, my family would undoubtedly put the clues together and understand why. And that terrifies me.

When I told my father about the abuse, it was a year after it had first started. I never explained how bad it was. I laid it out in its simplest terms. It came out in such a blur. I was terrified to say that something was wrong, because I was terrified that I had made it all up in my head. That what this boy was doing to me was normal, that, because I was in a class of boys and there were only two girls, that this was what boys do.

I can’t remember what I said. But I told my father that I hated that boy. Because he hurt me, and because he said things to me. I told him that this happened every lesson, and every day after school, and every day on the bus. 4 hours a day, at least, this boy ridiculed and hurt me.

And my father said, “How many girls are in your class?”

I said, “Just me and [name]”

and he said, “I’m sure he just likes you and doesn’t know how to say it. Boys are just like that, he’s just shy.”

So I stopped talking. I didn’t bring it up again. And when I came to my parents crying, begging to see a doctors because “I feel so sad and empty all the time” no one ever asked if there was a reason why.

My father said, “Your hormones are out of balance, you’ll be okay,”

But I was desperate. I had finally worked up the courage and wouldn't back down. I told them I wanted to see a doctor anyway.

So they said ok.

I went to the doctor alone. The look on her face as I couldn’t help but cry in her office when I explained that “I just don’t feel anything anymore” was one of ‘just another melodramatic teenager’.

I knew by one look in her eye that the abuse was something that was going to stay locked inside me. She told me that teenagers often feel this way, and referred me to group therapy.

I was so terrified that she would laugh at me for even bringing up something so trivial as a boy calling me names and ridiculing me everyday and hitting me and touching me, that I just nodded and said I would go.

I never went to group therapy. I never told my parents that I even considered it. I never went to the doctor since. And when I offered up the idea of going back, to find something else to help me, my father told me that ‘You don’t need anti-depressants. You’re too young”.

He was right. I didn’t need anti-depressants. I needed the abuse to go away. To erase it from my mind and for it to never have happened.

I never told anyone I went to the doctor for that reason until months, years later.

It’s been 2 years and I’ve still never been back to the doctor. Not for anything.

When I told my girlfriend at the time about what was happening to me she was horrified, and I was awful to her. I’ve never regretted my treatment of another person so much. I felt cornered, I felt trapped, and I loaded all of my pain onto her; someone who was already suffering.

She tried to help, was there when I needed, tried to stop me for my own mistakes, tried to make me seek out help, but I just didn’t want anyone to see me.

I didn’t want to have to explain to someone my weakness. I didn’t want to have to say that the mere thought of a lesson or a bus ride with him terrified me. I didn’t want to say that I felt nothing, and my memory was so blurry (because of dissociation I know now) that I was sure no one would believe me.

I remember that it was a teacher who noticed. On the same week when I next reached out for help.

My grades had been slipping for a while. My pain made me forgetful; my silence at home made me angry. My grades were the last thing on my mind. I didn’t feel stress. I didn’t feel anything.

My science teacher held me back one day. Another detention. They were becoming routine. They had never happened before.

She pulled me aside when the other detention students had left. She looked so lost.

“Lauren, what’s going on? You’ve always been a good student. Forgetting books? Not doing homework? This isn’t you. I know you. I know you can do better than this.”

I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes wanted to cry. It was the first time someone had acknowledged it. I had felt myself slipping away, shrinking behind someone I didn’t know. But my friends, my parents, none of them had seen it, I must have hidden it so well. But this teacher. She knew. She knew my pain, and I couldn’t let her see it. She would make a big deal out of it I said to myself, Just like I’m making a big deal of it.

I swallowed it down, and looked at the floor.

“Nothing miss,” I said, “I’m sorry, I’m just tired, I’ll get better,”

“I hope so,” She said,

And I left without saying anything more.

Abuse is like being LGBT. You hide it from everyone until you have no choice but to reveal and accept it. Except I’m not sure if its something you ever accept. I know that some part of me is always going to feel unsafe. I think it’s why I don’t feel afraid when I am in dangerous situations.

Walking for hours at night doesn’t bother me, climbing over gates, walking through drug deals, my parents in hospital.

In none of those situations did I feel fear.

But seeing him for just a second is enough for everything in me to shut down. Even thinking about what happened makes me terrified and I have to overcome it. Sex, relationships, all of it terrifies me.

This is what happens when you abuse someone. Not only does it affect their relationships, but it affects everything. Trust, sleep (case and point, it is 12:09am as I write this and I won’t sleep for another hour), for me, work, hobbies, your self-esteem. It gives you strange quirks and habits that people think are funny but for some reason you have to follow.

Make no mistake. Just because my abuse wasn’t rape, just because he didn’t make me bleed, just because I don’t bear scars as proof. That does not mean it is not abuse.

Everyday. For 4 hours. At least. Being told you’re nothing. Being told that it doesn’t matter. That boys will be boys. That you shouldn’t have picked a ‘boys’ subject. Coming home and not saying a word. Bruises under clothes where they should never be.

This is abuse and it has taken years for me to come to terms with that because almost every single person in my life has told me that it is nothing, just because I can’t afford or make time for a therapist.

Believe me, it has taken years for me to persuade myself of this, when it has taken mere minutes for me to try to convince you.

That is why I have to torture myself to write this book. If it makes a single person out there feel as if what they are going through is something. Then I will have succeeded in making myself something.

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nettvnow-blog · 7 years

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Susan Allen & Matt Thomas | Katie & Shaun

British husband and wife duo Matt Thomas (writer) and Susan Allen (director) each make up one half of independent production company, Something Pretty. They’ve just released their debut show on YouTube – the new original web series, Katie & Shaun and we've got the scoop below!

netTVnow: Where did the concept of Katie & Shaun come from? Matt Thomas: I wrote the piece last year, after reflecting on my own experience with anxiety and depression, and what it means to be mentally well. Most representations of mental disorders out there didn’t really ring true for me, so I wanted to explore how parts of my own experience might play out onscreen.

It all started with the image of the waiting room. I see a therapist who shares an office space with other therapists and I would see the same other patients each week in the waiting room. We smiled and nodded but I never spoke to them. It occurred to me that since people are in a vulnerable place before and after therapy sessions, it would be a really weird space to meet someone you ended up dating, as Katie and Shaun do.

NTN: After that initial idea, what were the next steps to help get things moving? Susan Allen: It was all pretty fast. After Matt wrote the script, we reviewed it together, and he made a couple edits – mainly to give the characters a little more dimension, and help the overall story arc. As soon as we had 90%-ready scripts we scheduled auditions, cast people, and hired a crew within a couple weeks. We thought that if people were relying on us, we'd be less likely to back out! Plus, the momentum of a creative team meant that solutions started falling into place for the many challenges ahead. NTN: How long was the writing process and what would you say is different about writing for web series versus other mediums?

MT: Very quick, easily the quickest thing I've ever written. I'd been 'researching' anxiety and depression my whole life so it wasn't hard to put myself in that headspace of the characters. Shaun was a challenge to write initially as it's hard to write an authentically depressed character who's still visually interesting - in my experience, there tends to be a lot of lying on the couch and sleeping. However, as soon as we came up with the idea of Bob as a character (Shaun’s inner critic or depression), it became a lot easier and a LOT more fun to write. When writing for a web series, you're very aware of every decision you make on the page having consequences for time, money and effort in production – especially if it's your money, time and effort. This is why most web series are about two people sitting in an apartment. We really didn't want to make one of those – and in production Susan was ruthless about achieving authenticity through locations and extras – but also there's practicality to consider. I had to constantly ask myself things like 'do we really need that extra location?' and on the other hand 'Did you cut that exterior night scene because you just didn't want to shoot it, or is it really redundant to the story?' NTN: What would you say is different about directing web series versus other mediums, I’ve heard various things that it’s quite similar to directing theater! SA: I’ve directed theater previously, but never for film or indeed, a web series, so it was definitely a challenge. Obviously, a camera frame is more focused than a theater stage – you can control where viewers look – so in some respects you do more with less. A twitch of the eyebrows can say enough! At the same time, theater audiences are a little more forgiving in terms of suspending their disbelief. With a realistic film, you have to ensure that your set’s detail and continuity is on point just to create a believable world. Last thing you want are viewers getting distracted by an oddly empty bar, or a microphone left in shot.

For Katie & Shaun, I didn’t want to run out of options or lose the spark before the camera started rolling, so we rehearsed a little, but not too much. Saving some choices to play with on the day, meant we were able to capture that magic on camera. And many moments really are magic. I couldn’t be more proud of our cast and their performances.

NTN: As a husband and wife duo, what was it like collaborating? Was this a first? SA: Yes, this is a first. And we survived! Communication is the main thing. We took the time to clearly define roles from the start. Matt didn’t interfere with the directing, and I didn’t change the script – though we both offered each other constructive criticism. Don’t get me wrong. There were definitely tense moments! But when we disagreed, we took a deep breath and asked, what’s going to make this a better experience for viewers? Ten years of knowing how the other thinks meant when one of us was down a rabbit hole and a little lost, the other knew how to help put things into perspective. NTN: Have either of you worked on a web series before? If not, what were some of your initial MT: Nope, and that's probably a good thing as we might not have done it if we'd known how how much we were taking on! Our worries all boiled down to not wanting to make something that looked amateur. Twenty years ago people would tolerate something like Clerks that was a little shoddily produced if the story was good, but now they see so much professionally made content that something like bad lighting or sound will take people out of the experience quickly. We knew we had a good story and we wanted to give it the chance to shine without it being hamstrung by bad production values.

NTN: Susan, what were some of the inspirations you pulled from in creating Katie and Shaun? SA: In pre-production, I worked closely with our Production Designer, Kimberly Gim, to gather inspiration for the look and feel of Katie & Shaun. We wanted to create a sense of human connection despite an underlying loneliness and struggle. We were drawn to the simultaneous grit and warmth of Girls, and how the city of New York features in the show. That was definitely an influence for the opening shots of each character.

We also looked at Mr. Robot for ideas about how to shoot an imaginary character (Bob). That being said, I made a conscious effort to pull away from trippy and jarring camera techniques i.e. those where Christian Slater’s character (Mr. Robot) is there one minute and suddenly gone the next. We chose to keep our transitions simple because Bob is a different sort of non-real. Whereas Mr. Robot is a disorienting “voice” of Elliot’s multiple personality disorder, Bob is Shaun’s ever-present depression, a feeling physicalized in a character. Sometimes Bob’s influence is strong, but Shaun never actually thinks he’s talking to another real person. We also drew on inspiration from our own lives. Many of the cast and crew have personal experience with anxiety and depression, so it helped us get creative. For instance, in episode 3, we spent a long time trying to capture the simultaneous deep rumble and odd high-pitched noise you might hear if your were having a panic attack.

NTN: How would you describe the main characters? SA: Katie is a smart 32-year-old woman, who’s trying to find her way. She’s struggling with anxiety and OCD, and is ultimately pretty lonely. Katie is a “fixer” – someone who likes to be in control and solve things. She’s always rushing around, and channeling that mental energy into “getting things done.” She’s also a people pleaser with fairly low self-esteem. She wants to present a version of herself to the world of having her life together, so it becomes this multi-layered thing where she’s struggling mentally but compensating for it, for fear of being judged.

Throughout the show, we show that tendency to smooth things over – when she organizes her shelves to cure insomnia, the metaphor of icing a hastily baked cake to apologize for literally smoothing over her disturbance of Jane in episode 1, and her recounting of her panic attack to Dr. Reynolds as if it’s all quite laughable.

Shaun is a late twenty-something year old guy, who’s in a job he doesn’t particularly like, and suffers from depression. Like Katie, he’s lonely and doesn’t like himself much. Deep down, he’s looking for connection but there’s a fear there – that he isn’t good enough. In many ways, he’s comfortable in the known quantity that is his depression. Telling himself that he’s worthless, or not liked, and better off staying at home alone brings him a kind of comfort – it allows him to escape the fear of rejection. We see Shaun escaping in various ways – whether it’s through listening to music in his headphones, watching TV, or alcohol and weed. NTN: What do you hope audiences will take away from the series? MT: First and foremost it's a piece of entertainment so I hope they enjoy watching it but if someone recognised their own experience in the series and maybe felt a little less alone, that'd be great. SA: I hope the show will go some way to busting some stigma, and getting people to talk about what might feel uncomfortable. It can be hard to start up a conversation around mental illness, and it would be great if Katie & Shaun made that easier. We want to show the characters’ struggles with anxiety and depression as just one part of who they are. Not freakish or weird, or something to be afraid of. Just an aspect of human experience.

NTN: Do you have any upcoming projects or anything else you’d like to add?

MT: We're talking about some potential projects but nothing concrete just yet. I want to make a feature and Susan wants to make a short film. So I guess we'll see!