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#no harm list update

crazy4myself · 22 days

Text

No Harm List | Pt. 14

Word count: 5.5k ish

Warnings: explicit language, violence, sexual themes

Summary: You live in a city where crime runs rampant. One day, you save a young boy’s life, not knowing that he is the most powerful crime lord's heir. And you have just been put on the no harm list.

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A/N: Hiii lovelies I know it had been literal years since I’ve properly updated. To avoid confusion you may want to go back a few chapters to refresh; I recommend part 12. Also some of the next few chapters may look familiar bc I re-wrote them. But I think you will like this version much better :)

“Why did you avoid me after we kissed?” you asked again, your voice clear. You did not make yourself elaborate. You didn’t tell him how you’ve felt lost and helpless these weeks. And if you could take it back, you would. But if you were honest with yourself, no part of you really wanted to.

You just looked at him expectantly and watched him squirm in the silence. “Because.. I’m a coward,” he offered, looking down at his hands.

Your silence was loud in the air between you, pressuring him to keep talking, “I was scared because BTS has already put you in so much danger already. I mean, we're not even dating, and you were basically held hostage.”

“Don’t pin this on me.” you cut him off. You knew it was a valid point, but it wasn’t his only reason for not talking to you. “Whether or not I endanger myself to date you is a decision for us to make. Why did you avoid me?” you asked again.

“I was scared. I was scared it was an impulsive or pity kiss after being shot. I was scared you didn’t have feelings for me, so I avoided the rejection.”

You quirked a brow in disbelief. Oh, sure, he was scared of you rejecting him. “It’s true!” he insisted.

“And I don’t even know if I could date you,” he added, and you felt a part of your chest ache at the confession.

“I don’t know if I'm capable of dating with my lifestyle. It's not only a safety hazard, but I don't know if I’m capable of giving you any more of myself than I already have. I think about you all the time. And I love spending time with you. But our friendship, where we were before that kiss, it’s all I know how to give people.”

He turned to you, eyes searching your face for any signs of hurt or betrayal, but he couldn’t read your expression as you quietly whispered, “And what if I told you that’s enough?”

Jungkook parted his lips but was at a loss for words.

“I’ve never really dated,” you explained, “And I don't think I know how to. And school is so stressful, and the program is only going to get more complex. I’m not sure I have time to learn and figure out the ‘right’ way to do it.” You paused as you saw his eyebrows furrow in confusion, and you realized how contradictory you were sounding.

“I like you, Jungkook. I like what we have, and I liked kissing you. But before now, I didn’t think I could date you. Not because of the whole ‘gang’ thing. But because I think-” your voice cracked, “I think something in me broke when I lost Daewon. I never,” You paused to swallow.

“I will never let anyone in like that again because it hurt so bad when I lost her. And we weren’t even together romantically. So, imagine how bad it would hurt to lose a partner?” a hot tear rolled down your cheek, and Jungkook reached up to wipe it. You leaned into the comforting heat of his touch as his callused thumb rubbed soothingly on your cheek.

“What I’m trying to say is we both clearly have boundaries and walls. And we both suck at keeping the other out of some of them. So what if we loved eachother in whatever fucked up way we know how and at least reap the benefits of having shitty partners?” You offered with a hesitant smile.

“The benefits being?” Jungkook asked with a quirked brow.

Mischief glinted in your eyes as you smiled at him before lifting onto your knees and crawling towards him on the couch. Jungkook knew this conversation wasn’t over. He knew he should stop you and assure you that nothing about you was broken for being cautious about who you loved. He wanted to tell you that you were good and kind and would make an incredible partner in any capacity, and he was worried he wouldn’t deserve what you were willing to give. But his mind went blank as you inched so close that he could feel your breath against his face as you murmured, “I can think of a few.”

You moved confidently but still grazed your lips against his in the softest touch as if asking for permission.

Jungkook leaned forward, capturing you in the kiss and pulling you into his lap. It was just as hungry as last time, as if he had been waiting to taste you again. Jungkook felt his body come alight at the joy of feeling you pressed against him. His hands rubbed eagerly against your thighs before wandering up your sides, your arms, and your shoulders as he took all of you in.

The touch wasn’t as much for pleasure as it was a claiming. But still, you skin tingled in response. A trail of goosebumps rose in the wake of every brush of his callused hands.

Finally, you broke the kiss to catch your breath. Pressing your forehead against his, you both smiled like idiots as you took eachother in.

Jungkook leaned in to kiss you again, softer this time. As if the raw desperation passed, he would savor every second now that he had you. His hands were firmly on your waist, and his thumbs rubbed in a soothing motion, lower, and lower as they crept under the hem of your shirt.

You felt core core turning molten and couldn’t reflect back on the last time you had been with someone in this way.

Jungkook’s mouth was hot against your neck, trailing down from behind your ear lower and lower, looking for the spot that made-

You gasped and arched against him in pleasure, your chest pressing harder against his.

There it was, his mind thought in primal satisfaction, as he bit down right above your pulse point, making you writhe against him further. He had been replaying the sounds you made during your last kiss in his head an embarrassing number of nights he was alone. He wanted to map your body right now and learn every spot that made you sigh and moan for him. His hands had migrated further up your ribcage, your skin flushing hot beneath his touch as his thumbs swiped just below your bra.

He was about to reach around to unclasp it when a cough from the kitchen cut his ministrations short. You both turned in shock to see Yoongi placing an expresso pod in the coffee machine.

“J-Hope is in the garage you might wanna,” he waved his hand in the air in a vague gesture to separate. “Or don’t,” he said with a shrug, “I think his reaction would be funny.”

You were scrambling off Jungkook's lap and shoving a pillow between the two of you. Your lips were swollen and bruised from the kiss. You straightened your shirt, which was more rumpled from your earlier fight than anything, and placed a pillow between the two of you as if to protect your chastity with seconds to spare before the sound of Hoseok’s footsteps echoed from the garage. You locked eyes with him as soon as he made it in the entryway. You could feel the anger radiating off of him as he entered the room.

“What happened?” He demanded.

Jungkook calmed his breathing, grabbing the pillow barrier to instead place on his lap as he reminded himself that the bakery was attacked. Hoseok had no clue that Jungkook was just kissing his best friend and that he was not in danger.

“Hobi!” you were up in an instant, ignoring his foul temper as you wrapped your arms around him.

He caught your embrace effortlessly, his eyes tracking you and then noting Jungkook and his new emotional support pillow as he squeezed you tightly before letting you step back.

“Are you okay?” you both ask in unison before cracking a smile.

“I’m fine I just had to lay low. What happened at the bakery tonight?” Hoseok pushed.

Your smile faltered for a moment. “There was an ambush, they didn’t touch me. I can’t say the same for them, but they’ll be fine.” you started.

Hoseok’s brow rose at your implication, “You took out four of the Black Tips best men?” he asked. He didn’t sound disbelieving, he sounded… impressed and maybe a little proud.

“Only two, and I wouldn’t call them the best. Why are you here if you’re in hiding?” you asked, ignoring the way his approval warmed you chest. “And why were you in hiding? And when did you dye your hair?” you pushed. Reaching up to touch the murky black locks. It was obviously box-dyed and barely covered the bright red it was days earlier.

Hoseok smiled tight-lipped before moving to the couch, “I’ll tell my story if you promise to tell yours when Jin and RM get back.” He offered.

You refrained from pointing out that the reason you were at the Den in the first place was to do exactly that. You were too eager to get some answers from Hoseok. Who quickly filled you in on the details of the fake assassination attempt that ended in a not-so-fake assassination charge. That led to Hoseok and Yoongi hiding out in some shitty safe house an hour outside the city, living off Raman noodles and re-dying their hair to more subtle colors.

By time Hoseok had finished, the other members of BTS began filing in. Hoseok told you they had only been called out of hiding so Yoongi could manage the video footage of the bakery and nearby security cameras for the police department and insurance claims. Jin wanted to edit out any evidence of a gang-related interrogation, or else their relationship was going to get a lot more complicated with the local authorities.

But apparently, there was no need. Yoongi was fuming when he returned from his office, informing the others that while the security cameras were able to stream live footage to their system, the memory had been wiped from BTS’s computers.

He still had to cover their tracks of abducting the Black Tips on any city cameras. But otherwise the gang was relying on you as the sole witness to the night's events.

Well, you and the four Black Tip members who attacked you. The men were currently stored away in a safe house under the greenhouse on the Den’s property. But with the excessive exposure to Jimin’s smoke, there was a chance their memories would be unreliable, if not nonexistent.

Jimin couldn’t even estimate a wake time for the men due to the level of gas they inhaled. It could be days before anyone could get answers out of them.

When Jin and Jimin finally returned from filing their reports to the authorities, everyone settled in the living room to hear your account. You recalled the night's events as detailed as possible, telling them how the man in the suit tried to buy your loyalty from BTS and describing him to the best of your ability.

To your relief, they all listened quietly while you spoke, and when you were done, it was V who helped you fill in any gaps you may have missed by prompting you with questions. His presence was steady and soothing, and you realized he was giving you a glimpse of the spider at work. The others didn’t dare interrupt him or ask their own questions, they trusted him to gather every drop of information.

What did the man in the suite look like?

Did he ask about BTS’s current movements?

What ‘sins against the city’ did he want to hold BTS responsible for?

What information did he want you to report back?

You didn’t have any answers to half of those questions, confessing you spent most of your time stalling and trying to get the man to reveal why he was bribing you of all people. You were convinced at the time that the alarm had alerted BTS of your situation and that they would arrive at any minute. The thought of the man getting away didn’t seem like a possibility.

And a small part of you, despite promising yourself you owed BTS nothing outside of your contract, couldn’t help but feel like this oversight was a failure on your part. Somehow, you let the gang down.

Jin clarified that the alarm had been disabled along with the cameras hours prior to the break-in. It was by luck and V’s intel that they managed to get to you when you did.

“And isn't that a big fucking problem?” Hoseok growled, unable to stay quiet any longer.

He stepped forward, glaring in Jin and Jimin’s direction, “Do you realize how irresponsible it was to schedule her on a closing shift alone.” He accused.

“Hobi, it’s fine I worked late all the time at my last job,” you started trying to diffuse the situation.

Everyone in the room refrained from pointing out how well that had gone for you.

“No, it’s not fine. This isn’t like your other job. What if they tried to get information from her at that moment, and she had nothing to give? What if V didn’t call in time? There are a thousand different ways this could have gone wrong. She is not a member of this gang,” Hoseok snapped.

You flinched slightly at his tone.

“She doesn’t have the tattoo. Debt and favors aside, she should not be this deep in BTS’s affairs. She should not be alone in our businesses. That bakery is a cover for Jimin’s lab and loitering drug money. Why the hell would you think it okay to leave her alone there?” He continued.

Jin’s face was like a stone as Hoseok lectured him, not wanting his own emotions to invalidate his brothers. “You're right.” Jin agreed, and you could see the full weight of tonight's events take a toll on him as his shoulders sagged and he turned to you with guilt in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry I put you in danger, Ella. We will never let it happen again.” Jin promised his voice was soft but earnest.

“It sure as hell won’t because she’s not working for you anymore.” Hoseok snapped.

“That's not your call to make,” you argued.

Hoseok turned to you, frustration evident on his face, “Do not fight me on this. You know tonight was too dangerous.”

“She was the dangerous part of tonight. She was fine.” Jungkook pushed, standing next to you.

“Stay out of this!” You and Hoseok snapped in unison.

Jungkook’s face puckered like he tasted something sour, but he sat back on the couch's arm.

“Tonight, you were lucky that man wanted you alive. He could change his mind at any point why can’t you see the danger in that.”

“I'm bound by contract to keep working off my debt,” you argued as you turned to RM for backup.

RM crossed his arms, taking in you and Hoseok as he contemplated his response.

“Blood debt runs deeper than civil law,” Hoseok said before his leader could voice his opinion. And a tense stillness fell across the room.

“Have you forgotten she’s on the No Harm List? That we are supposed to be willing to die for her.” he pushed. The whole gang's demeanor changed at the reminder Jimin downcast his gaze as his shame sank into his gut.

“I don’t want that,” you pushed, horrified, “Take me off the list I don’t - I did not ever want that.”

“Daewon, please, why won’t you let me protect you!”

The room fell quiet as his sister's name echoed through the room.

Your chest ached as understanding settled in, “Oh, Hobie,” you sighed.

“We’ll take a vote,” RM ordered, unable to stand another minute of this fighting. “We have damage control to take care of, and everyone is tired. We meet first thing, and we will decide as a team what we should do about Ella.”

Hoseok’s smile was mirthless at his boss’s half-ass attempt to placate him. “See you bright in early,” he said with a salute before turning for the garage.

You stared after your best friend, hesitant to follow him. “And do I get a say in that decision?” you asked RM softly.

RM sighed, “Your opinion will be considered when we vote. You will have full control over how we go about re-negotiating your contract if it comes to it.”

Assuming that was the best you could get, you sighed, eyes flicking over to Yoongi who flanked RM’s left, his arms crossed and his expression stoic.

“I guess I’ll go catch up with Hobi,” you offered hesitantly, not knowing what to do. Yoongi met your eyes but said nothing. Taking Yoongi’s silence as his answer, you squeezed Jungkook’s hand in a silent farewell before you followed Hoseok to the garage.

Hoseok kept his eyes forward as you approached his vehicle. He was sitting in his Porsche the engine purred a soft accompaniment to the rhythmic thump of his music.

“Can I catch a ride?” you asked, already settling into the passenger's seat and buckling before he could give an empty “Sure.” in response.

You didn’t ask where he was taking you as he sped out of the Den’s parking lot and into the streets of the seventh ward. His options were limited if he was still a wanted man, and you figured you would end up at your apartment by the end of the night.

“We need to pick up another box of hair dye. Whoever did yours did a shitty job,” you said, reaching to run your fingers through his hair.

The unique thing about your friendship with Hoseok was you two were forced to mourn together when you were getting close. Meaning you both had a talent for ignoring the elephant in the room and settling into a normal life where you talked around the big issue.

It wasn’t always healthy to ignore your problems like that. But for you and Hoseok, it worked. After big changes like this, you both had a habit of turning off your feelings for a while and giving each other space and time to process instead of forcing each other to talk about an issue before you were ready.

It’s what you did with Daewon’s death. It’s what he did for you when you first found out about BTS.

So tonight, you could make space for him. The two of you could go through the rest of the night without talking about the bakery or BTS at all if he didn’t want to.

You glanced out the window, realizing what street he was turning on.

“We’re going to see Dae?” you asked, surprised as he pulled to the side of the road outside the city’s botanical garden. The gardens were closed, which was no surprise considering it was close to one in the morning. But that was never a problem in the past.

“We didn’t visit her on her anniversary this year,” Hoseok said simply.

You both visited separately, though you wouldn’t point it out. At the time of Dae’s anniversary, you were still giving him the silent treatment for lying to you about BTS. You had visited Daewon’s grave on your own and saw that it had already been cleaned, and her favorite flowers decorated the small plot, meaning Hoseok had already beat you there.

At the time, you had felt guilty for the relief you felt in your chest. Visiting her that day came with the fear that you and Hoseok would cross paths before you were ready to face him. And you think Dae would have been disappointed to see the two of you arguing on top of her grave.

Because of that, neither of you had gone through with your tradition of robbing the botanical gardens.

Your freshmen year of college was filled with many adventures since moving to Alcor was still a novel experience, but it also came with many nights of being homesick. While Gautier was technically a territory of Kros, the country Alcor resides in, the cultures were very different. And the climate was shockingly different in the cold and wet port city where the smell of sea salt was on the breeze, you missed the clean and fresh scent of blooming heathers and rosemary in the spring, and the taste of sweet figs right off the tree in the summer time.

One night, when you were suffering from a rather nasty bout of homesickness, Daewon took you to the botanical gardens and taught you how to break in at night. At the back of the property, a mighty magnolia tree bloomed outside the garden's fence. It was almost too easy to scale the tree’s sturdy branches and dismount on the other side of the garden. The fences were lined with countless bamboo trellises fortified with different vine plants, making for an easy escape anywhere inside the garden.

You remember how your heart fluttered the first night the two of you broke in. You had to make an effort to hold in your nervous giggle as you scaled the magnolia tree and landed on the mossy lawn of the prehistoric trail, which was lined with ZZ plants and ferns with curling fronds. Sneaking your way through the trail and across the lawn of irsis leads you past the desert exhibit and to a greenhouse that honored the terrain of the eastern colony you called home.

The air was warm but much dryer thanks to the special ventilation system, but despite the heavy humidity missing from the air, the small shrub like plants thrived in the rocky soil, filling the air with the fragrant and aromatic scent of rosemary, lavender, and heathers.

You remember how a knot built in the back of your throat as you ran your fingers over the woody rosemary bush, taking in the earthy pine-like scent. Dae sat with you and listened to you go on about your childhood home for hours.

The giant rosemary bushes that were planted around your house were a staple in your kitchen and bathroom growing up. Your mother was always placing sprigs in her hair products, using it as her own perfume.

You told her the story of how your dad always tried to recreate your mother's french toast recipe on your birthday, but he always forgot to sweeten it so it just tasted like egg bread.

You told her stories of how your father courted your stepmom and how you watched them fall in love again, and build a new family together. One you didn’t fit into as snuggly, not for lack of love in your home, but because you were so much older than your siblings and you had your own dreams and life you were ready to find in Alcor.

Dae held you when you cried, then jokingly played the national anthem to Gautier on her cell phone. You guys laughed and danced around the greenhouse as she struggled to keep up with the lyrics.

The memory brought warmth to your chest years later, just like all the other memories with Daewon. But beneath the warmth, a sharp ache still lingered. Daewon wasn’t perfect by any means; she had a temper like her brother, and she could brood like no other.

But she was good. Daewon was good and fun and she loved so fiercely and encouraged and celebrated her friends. She was the type of person to buy you an ice cream after you failed a test and a cake if you passed.

She was the first person to encourage and support you in your adult life, even in scandalous situations like bringing you a spare set of clothes to the frat house so your walk of shame was a bit less shameful the next morning.

“God I miss her,” you sighed as you approached the magnolia.

“Me too. Every day.” Hoseok agreed quietly as he watched you scale the branches.

He was a worry wort and always made you go first in case you slipped.

“Did Daeown ever know? About BTS?” you asked curiously as both climbed higher in the magnolia tree.

“She knew some of it, like selling the spare car parts, and she could obviously guess some more once I got the tattoo, but she didn’t know everything.” He offered as you reached the branch just past the tall fence that protected the gardens.

‘She didn’t know I shot people,’ she could almost hear Hoseok say.

You ducked low as you approached the branch that led into the garden. Grabbing onto the limb above you to balance yourself, you carefully made your way forward as the branch dipped under your weight.

“Careful,” Hoseok warned.

“Whatever,” you said, rolling your eyes as you let go of the limb stabling you, tightening your core as you jumped from the tree. It was less than a 5-foot drop, but you kept your knees bent as you landed, feeling the impact reverberate back into your legs. You hissed as the pins and needles feeling swarmed the balls of your feet.

“You gotta tuck and roll,” Hosek laughed as you wattled out of his way.

You watched as he lowered himself on the branch the muscles in his body tensed before he sprung forward, extending his legs with his knees still slightly bent.

You sometimes forget the athleticism Hoseok hones in his body. You take for granted how smooth and precise his movements are. It was something you still couldn't quite replicate when you trained with Jungkook. But as you admired your friend, you wondered if he was responsible for training Jungkook to master his own smooth agility.

As his feet touched the ground, he pushed his momentum forward, curling into a ball and rolling across the grass.

“Ow fuck!” he exclaimed as he backrolled over a raised root of a nearby tree.

“And that's why I don’t tuck and roll,” you teased, walking towards him, the ach in your legs nearly forgotten.

You wandered out of the exhibit and towards the iris lawn. Dae’s favorite flowers were blue irises. She used to always pick a few of the flowers any time they visited the garden and keep a vase of them in the dorm room.

“You know they’re bulbed plants one day, we can go to the store and get our own,” Hoseok suggested.

“It’s not the same she says they smell better when they’re picked from the garden here,” you insisted.

“It’s not like she’ll be smelling these,” Hoseok grumbled under his breath but obliged when you held out your hand for his pocket knife.

The theft was quick and efficient. You cut loose five of the flower's long stems and returned back to the fence. Taking care that the flowers were unharmed as you shimmied up one of the trellises.

You were both back in the car within 15 minutes and driving down the road to her grave. The visit was a quiet one. Not tearful like in years past, and for a moment as the two of you kneeled and placed the flowers against the tombstone, you didn’t know if either of you were going to speak at all.

“Do you think you’ll ever leave the city,” Hoseok asked quietly.

You looked at him, startled, “You know my dream is to be a travel doctor,” you replied.

“Is that still your dream?” He asked.

You were quiet for a moment, your eyes searching his face for any indication of where he was going with this.

“Y/N, you were determined once. Focused. You lived and sacrificed for that dream and would never jeopardize it. And lately, you’ve-” You closed your eyes as you caught on to his intentions.

“Continued to sacrifice for it,” you interrupted him, “everything I’ve done, the debt I have isn’t so I can play gangster. It’s so I can finish school. The moment I graduate and the moment I pay off my debt, I’m leaving the city.” You assured.

“You could leave now,” he urged.

“Take a residency somewhere I know your grades are good enough for that accelerated program.”

“I can’t run out on my debt. They will find me.” You hissed.

“They won’t. Jungkook will pull RM off your trail, and they can’t send me after you. I would go with you. You’re the only family I have.” Hoseok pushed his voice urgent, “Things are getting bad. There’s a turf war brewing, and the Black Tips aren’t working alone. I don’t think that man who came after you tonight is from the west side. If power players from the East are involved, this whole city will go to shit. This isn’t a petty fight; people will die. The inner circle and whoever is affiliated with them will have a target on their back.”

“What about Yoongi?” You asked.

Your question was double-sided. You knew about Hoseok’s feelings for him and his unwillingness to move on from him over the years. Hoseok was always privet with the gang side of his life, but even before you knew of BTS, you knew of Yoongi and the web of feelings he carried with him. And you also knew of the second's ability to track down and find anyone. If RM wanted either of you dead, Yoongi would find you in a heartbeat and probably had the skill set to dispose of you himself, too.

Hoseok's eyes downcast “He would let us go.”

“You’re expecting a lot of loyalty from someone you plan to betray.” You pushed.

“You’re putting up a hard fight for someone who claims they don’t have a real reason to stay,” he pressed back.

You looked away from your best friend. The man who treated you like his own sister from the beginning. Who was ready to give everything up and run to make sure you were safe.

Why weren’t you willing to give up your fraction of this world in return?

“Perhaps things are more complicated than I give myself credit for. I kissed Jungkook, and I can’t just leave until I figure that out.” You admitted embarrassed. You braced yourself for the teasing or the anger. But Hoseok's face was calm as he responded his eyes ernst and urgent.

“I fucked Yoongi,” Hoseok countered. “If I don’t leave now. I never will.”

A/N: I haven’t updated in so long I totally forgot how tags and formatting work on this post. Hopefully it finds the intended audience… let me know if you read and enjoyed it!!! Xoxox

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peppizza-au · 7 months

Note

Ok, if you don't feel like drawing your story, you can always put it in text form. we won't be mad. i just want to know what happens next

hey, i understand if you didnt mean anything malicious, but please dont do this, guys. even if i change to an easier format, im still not obligated to give you guys content, and ive currently been exhausted with work and other personal projects. i may get it again at some point, but i currently have no motivation to update this blog specifically, and i heavily struggle with motivation already. i honestly thought itd be a miracle if i even got halfway through this story before losing my drive, but i wanted to try anyway.

forcing myself to create for an optional project i started for fun purely to meet demand isnt healthy for me, will result in a dramatic drop in quality for updates, and possibly ruin the story i want to tell. an unfinished story is better than a rushed and half-hearted one.

it really warms my heart how many people love this blog, and im not exaggerating when i say i read and appreciate every single ask (that isnt blatantly mean-spirited). but im a human, not a machine. if peppizza doesnt continue, its for a good reason. if peppizza does continue, it will continue with time. please think before sending asks like this, even though im pretty sure it wasnt intended to be impatient or inconsiderate, it absolutely comes off that way.

thats all for now, thank you for reading.

#ooc #im already falling behind on the many projects and obligations im committed to right now #adding updating this blog back on the list when i cant genuinely work on it would be insanely harmful to my mental health

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aether-link · 8 months

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Just because I named my Gaoler pair Earth and Moon doesn’t mean you should name spam this. I find this some what rude like.

#this site really censored the word Sunshine but not this?#this word can be insulting to ppl #flight rising #in fact flight rising has censored a lot of innocent words that have no harm #the devs should really go through again and update their lists

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lcngdays-archive · 1 year

Text

new muse bio is up! his name is simon!

#ooc #blog update #his back story has some trigger warnings i will list here:#tw self harm #tw sui attempt

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miasma-of-fear · 2 years

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Below the cut is a list of symptoms Jon experiences from his mental conditions- keep in mind not all of these are intended to be negative and differ from day to day/person to person, mind the tws in the tags before reading

Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD)

An aversion to people removing his glasses and (comorbid with ASD) touching his hair, the action making him feel vulnerable

Unreasonable suspicions that someone(s)- even loved ones- is/are hiding things from him and/or conspiring against him

Adds to his cynicism, misanthropy, misandry, grudge holding, spitefullness, aloofness, etc.

Leads him to overanalyze words and behavior or read hidden/nonexistent meanings

Recurrent suspicions that either his romantic partner is cheating on him or someone is trying to steal them away

(Comorbid with ADHD/anxiety) Extreme difficulty with relaxing

A recurrent delusion that someone (usually but not exclusively strangers) is following him with the intent to abduct him, drug him, torture him, and/or rape him

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

An unusually strong disgust with and aversion- ranging from notable to severe- to bodily waste and fluids (specifically feces, urine, vomit, saliva, and semen- albeit the latter two are not a constant)

A need to make his bed and/or organize his sleeping area when waking up and getting ready for sleep

(Comorbid with anxiety/PPD) Checking every new environment and object for any irregularities or suspicious features

Intrusive thoughts, most commonly; being nonconsensually observed and/or photographed/recorded, his hands/face/entire body being covered in invisible filth that he has to scrub away (even if that means using harsh chemicals and/or scrubbing his skin raw), something inexplicably being missing or moved, a need to tear off his fingernails/scars/tear out his hair, he ate/drank or is eating/drinking something somehow tainted, some unidentified person or entity is currently judging his actions, someone or something is planning to take or remove his glasses

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

A strong fascination with/"special interest" in gothic literature, chemistry, and fear based psychology

Difficulty processing and recognizing his own emotions

(Comorbid with ADHD) fidgeting and stimming, which he's repressed and toned down over the years of ridicule and reprimands

Tactile hypersensitivity; not being able to stand the touch of others or specific materials/textures (i.e. sand, faux silk, plastic combs), or on the flipside being extra touchyfeely or petting/stroking/rubbing certain objects/materials (i.e. favored flannel shirts, his corvids, velcro)

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

Mild to notable difficulty remembering names, sequences of events, and specific times

Racing thoughts

A need to be constantly working/doing something, sitting still

(Comorbid with depression/inferiority complex) self destructive, impulsive actions

Sleep Paralysis (SP)

Being touched, grabbed, and squeezed

Eyes- either just one pair or an innumerable amount- staring down at him

The sensation of being sexually assaulted/raped; anything from his genitals being mutilated, to incessant teasing, to being penetrated, to full on re experiencing the repeat abuse of an Arkham doctor (sometimes being back in that point in time, sometimes the doctor having broken into his residence)

A large, unidentified bird torturing him, slowly picking his flesh from his bone- sometimes it has the voice of his great grandmother, sometimes his father, sometimes what he can only assume to be the devil or some such punishing entity

#The Maze of the Mind : headcanons #[ been thinkin about this a lot recently and finally got around to writing it down lmao ]#[ may or may not update this list periodically as I think of/recall more ]#paranoia tw #unreality tw #kidnapping tw #drugging tw #torture tw #rape tw #self harm tw #sleep paralysis tw

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powerfulblob · 8 months

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Just so frustrated that tumblr’s rolling out more unreality-triggering features: as if they didn’t already learn from the Y2K event…

How do they think that. A GIANT FUCKING CLOWN ON THE DASHBOARD THAT, WHEN CLICKED ON, MAKES THE BACKGROUND TURN TO A BUNCH OF WANTED POSTERS WITH EYES LOOKING AT YOU??? AND THEY SAY THINGS LIKE well find you OR SOME SHIT???

Why would they think that this DOESN’T trigger at least five types of—-

Fuck. Sorry if this post made no sense, just bristling right now.

Anyway: stay safe out there… a full list of the potential triggers with the new site update are:

Clowns

Eye contact

Unreality

Paranoia

Delusions

Violence

Let me know if I missed any.

Again, stay safe. And fuck Tumblr’s staff.

Edit: Adding some of the things I’ve reblogged and also suggestions (thanks @nimona-antifa for the suggestions, and @everlastingrandom for pointing that scopophobia’s another potential trigger)

Body horror

Gore

Scopophobia

Horror

Another edit: Thanks to @gwydionmisha for pointing out that the jump scares are harmful for people with:

anxiety

heart conditions

other related conditions

Another edit: FUCKING YEAH IT’S GONE but there’s still a widget at the corner of the screen with the buggy pirates’ logo, which looks like a clown pirate flag. So still be careful if you’re on desktop. Looking forward to when they take down the full thing.

#one piece #I’m so fucking mad #tw: paranoia #tw: delusions #tw: unreality #tw: clowns #tw: eye contact #tw: body horror #tw: gore #tw: scopophobia #tw: horror

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trans-axolotl · 5 months

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US Harm Reduction Resources

continually updating, not a complete list. feel free to add on any resources you find helpful.

Free Safer Supplies:

Each organization will have different supplies, but generally, harm reduction orgs provide things like syringes, safer snorting + smoking kits, Narcan, condoms, lube, and wound care supplies. Each org has different policies for how to get supplies--some do deliveries, some have drop in centers, some only do one to one needle exchange, some are more flexible.

Next Distro: mail based syringe provider for certain states. Also mails free Narcan.

NASEN: national map of syringe providers

a lot of harm reduction collectives aren't going to have their information listed on big national websites--it's always worth searching "harm reduction in my area" and seeing what's around you. Even if you don't live in a big city, there might be a harm reduction organization in your state that can help you find someone closer to you. there's a lot of rad people doing underground work who want to be there to help you who aren't as easy to find online. If there's street medic collectives, mutual aid groups or groups like Food not Bombs in your area, you can ask people in them who might know where to find harm reduction services in your area!

Drug Users Unions:

Drug users unions are activist groups made for people who use drugs, by people who use drugs! Drug users unions do advocacy work to end criminalization, as well as providing vital community support. Many drug users unions are also inclusive of sex workers and work to decriminalize sex work as well. You can search for "drug users union" in your state.

Urban Survivors Union: National, has resources for creating drug users union

Chosen Few: Drug users union for Black drug users in DC

San Francisco Drug users union

Sex Work Advocacy Groups:

Organizations that do decrim advocacy and provide support for sex workers.

Sex Worker Outreach Project USA- National, has chapters in many states.

Black Sex Worker Collective

Sex Workers Project

How to Use Safely:

Guides, videos, toolkits for safer use!

Harm Reduction Coalition Resource Library

Getting Off Right: A Safety Manual for Injection Drug Users

Safer Crack Smoking

Safer Snorting

Safer Hormone Injection

Levels of Risk: Veins

Wound Care video w/ ASL

How to Use Fentanyl Test Strips

DanceSafe-testing kits, including reagent testing kits!

Erowid-shares experiences people have with different drugs, dosages, what things to expect

Bluelight- another forum for discussing experiences with drugs.

Drug Interactions Checker

Sex Work Resources:

Tricks of the Trade by L. Synn Stern: tips for street based sex work

A Quick and Dirty Sex Worker Safety Toolkit

Girls Do What they Have to Do To Survive by YWEP

Dis/Organizing: How We Build Collectives Beyond Institutions by Rachel Kuo & Lorelei Lee

Tryst Blog

Hotlines:

Never Use Alone: 877-696-1996. Overdose Prevention Hotline--Volunteers stay on the phone with you while you use and call emergency services if you overdose.

HIPS Hotline-1 (800) 676-4477. Emotional support for drug users and sex workers. Does not work with cops.

feel free to add on more resources. love + lube <3

#personal #harm reduction #sw #sex work is work #safer use

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skyahri · 1 month

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Robes |Zuko X Reader| HC

Summary: Your relationship with Zuko and how your friends found out.

Warnings: Implied intamacy???? Bed sharing. Kissing.

- - - - -

You were well acquainted with the Gaang. You'd served as a sort of double agent for them during the war once Zuko had teamed up with them. He knew they'd need some inside information, so he contacted you, knowing full well your ideals did not align with the fire nation.

You're the daughter of the prestigious Admiral Zhou, a ruthless military head who wouldn't hesitate to turn you in if he found out you were leaking information to the enemy.

It was easy to keep them updated. Your father had an ego the size of the moon, always going on and on about his achievements and new findings and whatnot. He was never home for long, leaving you in your mother's care and making it easy to sneak away. You mostly sent messenger Hawks, but once they'd infiltrated the fire nation you met in person.

You mostly met with Zuko, but occasionally, Sokka or Aang would take his place. You didn't mind. It was nice seeing more of the people you were risking your life for.

After the war, once Zuko took over as Fire Lord, he invited you to be a part of his cabinet. You weren't sure why, seeing as how the other members have some sort of military or consulting experience, and you're just a teenager who sent letters.

Strategy meetings were weekly, so you saw Zuko more often than any of the others. They visited when they could, but with the long list of air temple repairs, it was difficult to make time.

Not that you minded. You loved spending time with him, with or without the rest of the entourage.

Zuko was always accommodating to you, even going as far as to offer you a room in the palace 'if you ever need it.' He'd had the room fully furnished and closet stocked with spare outfits.

Occasionally, if meetings ran long, you'd stay in said room. It was a luxury the other members weren't granted, and honestly, it made you feel special.

When all the immediate post-war issues finally calmed down and Zuko had more free time, he always asked you to stick around or come keep him company.

He's the fire lord. He can't easily leave the palace, especially to do regular teenager things like laze around the shops or sneak into theaters, so you were limited to what the palace could offer.

You'd taken to gardening with him, something Zuko found very alluring. You played board games, baked pastries, and anything else you two could come up with.

Before long, you found yourself spending most of your time with him on the property. Occasional sleepovers quickly become several times a week. It wasn't long before you basically lived there, so you bit the bullet and brought the rest of your stuff to the palace.

Within a few months, you shared a kiss near the pond in the garden. Things slowly escalated over the next year or so. That first nervous kiss became the norm. You shared dinners and late night talks, often going so far into the night you'd just crash in his bed.

Before long, your room became obsolete. Your bed was hardly ever touched, your clothes were in his closet, items in his drawers, and toiletries in his restroom.

You'd heard the staff gossip from time to time, which you didn't necessarily mind, but it definitely made you blush. It felt like getting caught despite doing nothing wrong.

For a while, Katara would tease you mercilessly. She didn't know anything, or at least didn't lead you to believe she did. She just liked the idea of everyone finding someone, and you were the only girl Zuko ever talked to.

You went out of your way to cover up the obvious aspects of your relationship when your friends were around. You agreed early on to keep things under wraps, not wanting to harm the groups dynamic if things didn't work out.

But that was almost a year and half ago, and now it felt wrong to say anything. Like you had betrayed their trust somehow. You felt bad for lying to your friends about what was going on, but honestly, neither of you could bring yourself to admit the two of you had been dishonest for so long.

You woke up and patted the bed beside you. It was still warm, but Zuko wasn't there. You got up and picked up a robe off the floor to cover your nightwear. It was unlike him to leave without even waking you, so you'd go see what he was up to.

You exited his quarters and immediately saw the entire Gaang. They just stared at you in shock, having a hard time piecing things together.

"Did you just come out of Zuko's room?" Sokka asked.

"You saw me, didn't you?"

"Are those his clothes?" Katara asked.

You glanced down. They were, in fact, his clothes. You just stared at her, refusing to answer. Of course, Katara would notice they were his specifically and not just standard robes.

Zuko dragged his hand down his face. Of course, this is how they'd find out. Not after a long, thought-out conversation over a planned dinner or outing. They had to see you walk out of his room compromised after an impromptu visit.

They hastled you two for the rest of the day, asking horrifically personal questions and guilt tripping you into answering them. They bothered you for information about your intimate lives and dating preferences.

Late into the night, when the fire and excitement died down, Katara and Toph cornered you about the secrecy. You were huddled up in your room for a girls only sleepover when they decided to attack, giving you no choice but to be completely honest.

"We kept it quiet in case things didn't work out. Then some time passed... and we started feeling guilty about hiding it, and we just never found the right time."

"There didn't have to be a right time. Were your friends, not your subjects."

"I know. There's just a lot of pressure when you're with a friend who also happens to be the Fire Lord."

Luckily, you have amazing friends who understand people make mistakes. They squashed your anxiety about the whole thing, making sure you knew they weren't mad or disappointed.

But that absolutely did not stop them from holding over your heads for the unforeseeable future.

#zuko x reader #fire lord zuko #atla zuko #prince zuko #zuko #zuko x you #atla #avatar the last airbender #avatar

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crazy4myself · 1 month

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No Harm List Update

Hey friends I am back from the dead!!! I realized I’ve been updating this fic on other platforms but neglecting to do so on Tumblr despite this being my initial home base. It’s been a long while (like 2 years 😅) but I hope you can find a little space in your day and heart to let this story back into your lives.

Important note: Chapter 13 has been updated because I will be changing the ending and carrying it over into chapter 14. So please reread before jumping back in!

Personal Note: A lot has changed since I last updated, I’ve been married for two years, gotten my dream job, traveled the world, and hit some major road blocks in my health.

With the help of therapy and my husband I’ve overcome and healed from some trauma in my past and that is reflected in my writing style. I no longer relate to the the suffering and anxious college student I wrote when I started this story. I put a lot of myself into Ella and other characters when I was younger and I was writing as an escape from darker periods of my life I have a harder time looking back on.

So this is all to say the tone of my writing might change. There may also be some inconsistencies in the story though I tried to review my writing thoroughly. So please read with a little compassion in your heart. :)

#no harm list #no harm list update #authors note #i’m back baby

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ellecdc · 3 months

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elle // she:her // scorpio // 27 // canadian

pfp, header, & masterlist pics all belong to me

(requests are currently open!) please read below for request guidelines!

A note for minors 🐚

Masterlist:

Sirius Black Remus Lupin James Potter Regulus Black Barty Crouch Jr round up

Poly!Marauders Poly!Wolfstar Poly!Moonwater

Other Ships Extras NSFW (18+ only)

Something missing? Feel free to request!

can I make a request for ships not listed here?

my anons

Request Guidelines:

tips on making requests

AU's ✅

male!reader, female!reader, gn!reader ✅ (if you don't specify, I will write a fem!reader as this is what I'm most familiar with)

headcanons ✅

moodboards ✅

I will not write the following tropes: dating for a bet, dubcon/noncon, present self-harm, present eating disorder, reader age regression... ❌

I will not write a party inserting themselves into an established relationship - any new additions must be the established couple’s/relationship’s doing ❌

all angst must have a happy ending, all hurt must have comfort ⚠️

I'm not against writing grief but it cannot be the mourning of any of the ships/the ships mourning the reader ⚠️

Please note: Requests are exactly that - requests - I do not and cannot guarantee that I will be able to respond to all asks. If you have questions or follow up, please feel free to message me privately to discuss. As I receive requests, I may update this list with more guidelines, so please check back frequently!

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solarsturniolo · 4 months

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Hiii, I’m Natalie but you can call me Nat 💋. I’m 22 and have been watching the triplets since spring 2022. Not much you need to know about me tbh and not that you or anyone else really cares anyways.

I am an adult, i do write adult content about other adults. if this makes you uncomfortable, you are not obligated to read any of it and i wholeheartedly understand. Also keep in mind that I am an adult and i work a full time job. Writing is my hobby. I will not be as consistent with posting because I do have other priorities that come first. I will try to update as much as possible, but once again I am an adult with an adult life and adult responsibilities. All I ask is that you stay patient with me and show some grace where it is needed. I work very hard on my writing and appreciate any attention that it gets, please do not blow up my inbox repeatedly with the same prompt. I promise you that I see it.

Here is a masterlist of everything that I write, I'll do my best to keep it updated!

I DO NOT GIVE CONSENT TO MY WORKS BEING REPOSTED ONTO THIS PLATFORM OR ANOTHER PLATFORM. IF YOU REUPLOAD MY WRITING AND CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN, I WILL NOT BE AFRAID TO GET A LAWYER INVOLVED. WRITE YOUR OWN, POST YOUR OWN. DO NOT REPOST MY WRITING. REPOSTING MY STUFF WITHOUT MY CONSENT IS AN ALL RIGHTS RESERVED COPYRIGHT VIOLATION AND YOU CAN BE CONVICTED WITH A COPYRIGHT CRIME. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND JUST DONT REPOST MY STUFF :)

If you’d like to be added to my tag list, click here!

Also, here is a reminder of how to NOT inbox me about inquiries on updates, new prompts, or just in general. Click here!

Key

🚀 - smut

✨ - fluff

🪐- angst

🌌- other

ℭ𝔥𝔯𝔦𝔰 𝔖𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔬𝔩𝔬

✫彡 Too Damn Long pt 1 🚀

✫彡 Too Damn Long pt 2 🚀

✫彡 Too Damn Long pt 3 🚀

✫彡 Too Damn Long pt 4 🚀

✫彡 Too Damn Long pt 5 (final part) 🚀

✫彡 Nail Tech (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Twisted (Coming Soon)

✫彡 The Ice Breaker (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Nothing (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Dr.Feelgood (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Record Label (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Money, Money, Money (Coming Soon)

✫彡 The Irony of Choking On a Lifesaver (Coming Soon)

✫彡 King of the Jungle (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Texts w Best Friend!Chris ✨🌌

✫彡 Texts w Best Friend!Chris pt 2 ✨🌌

✫彡 Texts w Best Friend!Chris pt 3✨🌌

✫彡 Texts w Best Friend!Christ pt 4 ✨🌌

✫彡 Texts w FWB!Chris 🚀🪐✨🌌

✫彡 Texts w FWB!Chris pt 2 🚀🪐✨🌌

✫彡 Texts w FWB!Chris pt 3 🚀🪐✨🌌

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Chris

HEADCANONS

✫彡 Sub!Chris 🚀🌌

✫彡 Overstimulated (Coming soon)

𝔐𝔞𝔱𝔱 𝔖𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔬𝔩𝔬

✫彡 We're Just Friends pt 1 🚀

✫彡 We’re Just Friends pt 2 🚀

✫彡 We're Just Friends pt 3 🪐✨🌌

✫彡 We’re Just Friends pt 4

✫彡 We’re Just Friends pt 5 (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Not My First Rodeo (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Creep (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Temporary Bliss (Coming Soon)

✫彡 Pugs 'N’ Kisses Prologue 🪐🚀🌌

✫彡 Pugs 'N' Kisses: One

✫彡 Nothing 🪐🌌

✫彡 Comfort Zone (Coming Soon) ✨

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Matt pt 1 🚀🌌

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Matt pt 2 🚀🌌

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Matt pt 3 🚀🌌

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Matt pt 4

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Matt pt 5

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Matt pt 6

✫彡 Texts w Bf!Matt pt 7

✫彡 Texts w FWB!Matt

HEADCANONS

✫彡 Sub!Matt 🚀🌌

✫彡 NSFW Alphabet 🚀🌌

✫彡 Overstimulated 🚀🌌

✫彡 Dom!Matt (Coming Soon)

THINGS I WILL NOT WRITE ABOUT: STEP SIBLINGS??????????, Nick x fem!reader, self-harm, suicidal thoughts or tendencies, incest???!!!!!!, sensitive topics such as eating disorders, abuse, etc, any kinks involving urine or feces, beastiality, SEXUAL ASSAULT OR R*PE, (this list will probably be continued at some point but this is what i have for now)

Natalie’s Recommended

These are all great stories that I’ve read and recommend! Definitely check these stories out!

ℭ𝔥𝔯𝔦𝔰 𝔖𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔬𝔩𝔬

✫彡 Panty Thief by @evieolo

✫彡 Lollipop by @freshloverr (Part two here!)

✫彡“Cool Spider” by @gamermattsgf

𝔐𝔞𝔱𝔱 𝔖𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔬𝔩𝔬

✫彡 Dark Paradise (series) by @lacysturniolo

✫彡 Painted by @flowerxbunnie

✫彡 Ink by @flowerxbunnie

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aryesdanger24 · 3 months

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Hot take: Alastor doesn't like being the weakest in a room and especially wants to be noticed (he is the center of attention). We can see it when Carmille addresses him at the table for his absence and immediately brushes him off. We see him prickling at the comment but he let's it be since he knows them well and recognizes they still know him enough to recognize his absence.

So, Alastor notices immediately how much everyone puts into seeing Lucifer (we see how he observes when he walks in the room), and I bet there is some envy at the attention. Especially when he doesn't immediately notice Alastor and heads for his daughter.

Then Lucifer leaves Charlie to greet the things not even addressed in the show yet like Kiki and the Razzle Dazzle boys. Instantly putting him below everyone on the list in terms of meeting him.

So, he is thoroughly offended and brings attention back to himself by discussing the wall and instantly Lucifer is confused why his daughter didn't answer and then proceeded to belittle Alastor....which uh clearly leads to a FUCK you comment.

It is the result of not only being ignored and belittled, but also that Lucifer is physically and mentally not as focused on his appearance which I feel might play some part Alastor's jealousy. Lucifer doesn't have to constantly defend himself from people. No one underestimates Lucifer so Alastor takes it upon himself to be his number 1 hater. He revels in his own ability to use Lucifer's daughter as a shield and even a cover to create more distress in the other.

A show that is directly pointed at Lucifer and using Charlie's trust in him to his advantage, he shields and pisses off Lucifer in the process by acting fatherly. That way Lucifer cannot harm him unless he wants Charlie to hate him, which also doubles as a way to be better than Lucifer.

After all, Alastor loves to prey upon weakness and be right about it.

I am not saying that Alastor is not potentially affected by someone (Lillith perhaps?) Which leads him to act this way. Also I am not sure why Alastor let Lucifer finish his father daughter song with Charlie if he aimed to strike issue between them. I think the dad off duet might've been in some way showing Lucifer how absent he was as a father to motivate him to be better.

Regardless of motive, I stick to my theory of Alastor wanting attention which why he has his radio show despite not even killing. He is searching for people to notice him and his absence. Much like when a kid goes on vacations and comes back hoping people ask where they have been.

Update: I have since watched the finale of Hazbin

My view has not changed other than solidifying this envious narcissistic Alastor theory.

The envious part of his so easily seen at the end of the finale as he sang to himself. He desperately wants to be free and clearly has some power being held away by the one who owns him....which only plays into this envy he has towards others.

Moreover, it makes all his little jabs at his character all the more intriguing. He knows his power has been strapped away to some degree but like he tells Charlie "A smile can hide many things and keep you in control no matter what."

That is Alastor's game.

He offered true advise for her for 2 reasons:

1. To avoid extermination since he himself has been limited in power.

2. To reward her for being so easy to manipulate (giving candy to a good kid)

It shows to viewers that Alastor is confident enough to give his behavior away to Charlie. Despite her position she always gave him the respect and fear he craved while being easier to manipulate than most.

Being around her makes him feel powerful and even the hotel does...which is another reason why I believe he is so touchy about being reminded of his deal. This place is clearly a hunting ground that he doesnt want Husk ruining since he is bound here. He is attached to either a main cast member (Charlie being the more obvious choice) or the hotel itself but it's much more likely a cast member.

All and all, that fact makes all the power positioning and false threats and pompous attitude a front to avoid people sensing weakness, but I really believe Alastor craves to be noticed since he gets so many comments about radio being dead and such. He is finding relevancy despite the potential dangers of someone actually calling his bluff. It shows his narcisstic attitude well, that he truly believes he can either talk or bluff his way out of any situation with a dangerous smile.

Also I live for Lucifer and Alastor's rivalry and hatred toward eachother, I hope season 2 has more of their banter.

#lucifer #alastor #dad off #dad duet #charlie hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin lucifer #hazbin hotel finale #lucifer and Alastor #dad fight #alastor the radio demon #alastor theory

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curious-kitchen-witch · 1 year

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A neurodivergent witch's guide to starting a grimoire 🌿✨️

I remember when I was first starting out with building a grimoire and getting frustrated with how few resources there are on what a grimoire is supposed to be. I wanted clear directions and examples of what to include, but I mostly found YouTubers giving vague descriptions and repeating over and over again that it's extremely personal and private so they wouldn't say anything specific. As a neurodivergent person, it was very frustrating to try to figure out what to do from that. It took me a while to figure out what my own specifics were, so for any beginner witches out there, here are some specific ideas for starting off! Once you get more used to it, it'll get easier and easier to figure out what you do and don't want to include.

I'd recommend researching sigils and creating one to protect your grimoire; I placed mine on the second page after I dedicated the notebook for it, but you can put it wherever you feel like

Dates of moon cycles/information on how they affect your practice

Wheel of the year/sabbats if you celebrate them

Record rituals for sabbats if you choose to do anything for them, that way you have a reference for next year

Information on the elements- earth, air, fire, water, and/or spirit depending on your practice

Information on herbs or crystals you have- I like to print out pictures to include with the correspondences and leave space to write down specific things I use them for

Also, a quick reference list of ways you can care for individual crystals will be very helpful if you use them! Pay extra attention to which ones are sensitive to sun or water, it'll save you crystals later on

Basics of tarot, runes, or other divination methods

Color correspondences!

Information on zodiac signs; I printed out my star chart and put it in

When you do spellwork, write down everything you did and date it. Later you can come back and update whether it worked, what the effects were, and tweak it if necessary- basically treat it like a magic recipe book

A grimoire is not the same as a journal- if you want to write down personal reflections on meditation or your emotional experiences, I would suggest using a separate notebook for those things.

While I understand why people are so hesitant to show their grimoires, I have no qualms with showing a few pages for example purposes. However, I would suggest that you don't share anything that is personalized to your craft to others unless you can 100% guarantee that they won't cause you harm with it.

The only reason I'm ok with putting pictures on here is because they're full of basic information that anyone with Google could find and nothing that's specific to me.

With that being said, here are a few examples from my own grimoire as a reference!