She would go back and entice him further, till he had no more to give.
Tanith Lee, from Night’s Master
The most random and small things fuck up and I’m just like, “Why?” What the fuck is the point in trying when nothing goes right? My existence is meaningless.
"Sweet fires of the heart burn slowly until there is nothing left but love, lay waste to it all.."
Flames of forever are like a tide, slowly consuming me as they lap around the edges of my heart - eUë
The words I cannot speak
The tears I cannot shed
That's what my silence means
What is the point of it all?
only the echo of our stars is left
(infrared fluorescent dye)
I found myself thinking about you today.
I can’t believe I’m still curious about you, but there you are in my thoughts. My mind was drifting, wandering to how you’re doing, where you are, what you’re up to...
Hoping against hope that the end of us is replaying in your mind too. Remembering how I laid it all bare and you laughed in my face. Imagining that you’ve somehow started to realize that maybe you were wrong and perhaps you’re finally a little embarrassed or ashamed of the way you treated me. Possibly some of the truth I shared is worming it’s way through your hardened shell of armor. Maybe there’s even a crack and maybe some of that old love is spilling out in a tear for what we used to be.
I know it’s not likely... but a girl can dream. Not that I dream about you that much anymore.
Sometimes I feel guilty that my new mantra is “I don’t care.” I don’t care what you think of me. I don’t care what you said about me. I don’t care that you took my heart and tore it to shreds after you promised that you would take care of it forever. I don’t care how you’re feeling now, if you’re bitter or content or full of regret. I don’t care if you miss me and I don’t care if you want me back in your life. It’s what I have to tell myself to keep moving forward and keep letting you go.
But it’s not true. The truth is this. I can’t care about you any more.
It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s not like I didn’t give you the best of everything that I had to offer. I can’t care about you any more because I am emotionally spent, broken, and exhausted. It’s too expensive to care about you. It used to be easy, but now it costs little pieces of myself. And I just can’t pay that any more.
There’s nothing left to give.
Do you ever feel like you are unraveling from the inside out?
Yes! That is exactly what I feel like. When this started, it was just a dull little hole inside of me. It was noticeable to me in the darkness of night, but It was easily hidden with a smile and a laugh throughout the day. But little by little it grew. The darkness overtook a little more of my night until it ran over into the day. The dull edges chipped and fell away until they became razor blades just inches from my heart. Now I am on the verge of caving. The moment I am alone, or hear that one song, I fall apart. I drop into that pit and find myself sitting on the bathroom floor, punching the wall at 2 pm. I still do my best to hide it when I am around people, but that isn’t as easy anymore. The inside is gone and soon the outside will be too. Those edges are nearing closer and closer each day, the walls are wearing thinner, and the void is growing deeper. Soon nothing else will be left. Then what?
Struggling intensely to get to the end of the semester.
there's nothing left
No more smiles. No more hiding.
I'm rotting inside. I'm a corpse.
Humanity all but gone; nothing left.
Really, there's nothing left to save.
I've all but drifted away.
This life leaves me shackled and chained,
like a common slave.
Bound by the rules,
Forged within my mind.
It's just a little too late.
You couldn't of saved
what was not there to begin.
I was not like you within.
I was not human within.
I am not one of you.
I am poisoned, corrupt.
I'm not right. I can't fix it.
I'm trying to fix this, I really am.
But I can't smile anymore.
I can't hide this pain anymore.
There's almost nothing left.
Erin, Hanging By A Thread.
sometimes all I want is just
to be loved.
won’t you love me, world? won’t I ever
find anyone who loves so wholly,
so fully, like me?
when I love, it is all of me, I’m all in,
there’s no part of me you won’t get if you’ll
the good and the bad and
I’ll promise to love you but
only, only, only,
if only someone will love me too.
won’t you love me, somebody?
won’t you love me, anybody?
I’m all in, but nobody will reach out
for what I’m willing to give,
what I’ve already given;
I’m all in and I’ve
got nothing left and now I’m alone.
sometimes all I want is to be loved
and still I have never found it,
not like I want it to be,
not like I know it can be.
love me, love me, love me.
won’t you, world?
won’t you love me?
Its the small things. It’s always the small things. I try so fucking hard to get absolutely nowhere. I’m so drained from fighting and it’s to fall back ten steps.
I feel like someone’s burned me and hollowed out my soul
I feel so broken that sometimes that phantom pain of glass shards can be felt pressing into my mind when I try reaching for the unattainable
Sometimes I look at what I used to be and think about what I could have been... it burns like a white hot knife to the skin because how did it come to this?
I feel like the square a babe tries to shove in a circular whole and I don’t fit into anything around me. It leaves me feeling so alone in this caste universe
I yearn for the barest touch of acknowledgement on my skin to show that I exist and I’m not a wraith living in the shell of skin that seems to be more of prison than a body.
Sometimes I feel so stretched I’m sure I’ll break
All I ever wanted was love. It didn’t have to be romantic. I just wanted someone to love me and stand by. I miss the hugs and fleeting touches. I miss having someone to lean on and someone to cry on. I miss have an anchor against the ocean for it is vast and strong. I miss the inside jokes and the smiles.
I don’t even think I know how to smile anymore without it hurting.
I just wanted love instead of this empty existence
As always, the friendship had faltered. The foundation of his lies had been broken and his stubborn nature had crept in thereby forcing me out. There was nothing left for me there. There was nothing left for the either of us.
I’ve got nothing left to give you!
I'm out of reason to believe in me...
I don't belong here and I'm not well.
I just don't think I will ever be able to forgive you or forget you even though I will miss you just don't got anything else to give you
Trying to do the right thing...(roadblocks)
I made a call to the Bursar's Office at the facility where Shannon was being held. I was calling with the intentions of putting the money that @robby-l-keene had given me by way of his attorney towards his mother's lodging and boarding and care. I didn't want him losing sleep and becoming a zombie from stress and overwork and being someone that no one would be able to tolerate over time. He needs his rest, he needs his sleep, he needs his peace of mind and he needs help...i not from me, from someone or anyone who cares for him as well. (In a way it was like he was taking care if his mom all along)
I tried to explain my situation and what I wanted to do and the want to stay anonymous...just take care of the bill so there wouldn't be that stress on his back and he could focus on his happiness.
When I was asked for my information and I gave it...there was silence on the other end of the phone... someone else came on the line and informed me that due to a family member's request, they would not accept payment of any kind from me for any excuse or reason. I gripped my phone until I almost broke it.
"I see..." I thanked them for their time and hung up the phone. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. "He's roadblocked me at every fucking turn... what the hell am I supposed to do??!!" I grip the side of the sink so hard I hear it creaking under the grip. I look at my face and years of failing with him wash over me and I lash out and punch my reflection with my already damaged, bandaged hand, breaking the mirror into shards and I look down at my hand seeing a large shard sticking out of it. I bite my lip too angry to feel pain and pull it from my flesh and let the blood soak the bandage and I'm still numb to it all.
I'm not doing this anymore. There just comes a point where enough is enough...(I go to my room and look around and my eyes fall on a picture he drew for me in kindergarten... memories of him I keep in a box and have kept when his mom decided I should have them). He must have recently found it because the box was in the back of my closet.
It said ' I love you, Daddy' I pull it out of the box, my blood dripping freely on it. It cuts me to my heart how much I've loved him since he was born and he never really knew me... what I was capable of being to him...my blood is his blood.
I rip up the picture and put it in the trash.
You’ve Taken It All.
I can't even type
what I truly want.
My one refuge
you now refuse.
How much more
can be taken?
If I'm not mistaken,
most of what was
is now gone.
I have nothing
much left to lose.
I have nothing
really left to give.
You have nothing
else to take from me.
You have left me
What's truly left?