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marauders-venting · 3 years

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I Know Him

pairing: wolfstar (remus x sirius)

genre: murder mystery fluff

warnings: several mentions of murder, child abuse, blood (stabbing and bullet wounds), hints at homophobia, hints at sex

words: 4447

a/n: this is a switching fandoms fic with harry potter characters in the sherlock holmes universe. In this fic remus is holmes and sirius is watson. I have kept certain aspects that i thought were important about remus and sirius’ personalities but i had to give them some of holmes and watson’s personality traits for the fic to make sense.

also just so you know I based this fic off the original sherlock holmes books only. I have never seen the tv shows or film adaptations but i’ve heard they are very different from the books.

It was a chilly Saturday afternoon and Remus and I were sitting together in an armchair by the window. He was reading a book but I simply stared absent-mindedly. At Remus, at the street outside, at the dust in our apartment catching the light. But mostly at Remus. Suddenly, I caught sight of a flurry of movement outside. A woman bundled up in scarves was running down the street looking flustered.

“Remus,” said I, as I watched the woman scan the numbers on the building and near our apartment, “if I am not very much mistaken, the very thing you have been craving for the past week is approaching right now.”

“A client, you say?” said Remus, laying down the paper. “About time!” His eyes lit up with excitement and I scrambled out of his lap just as a knock sounded on the door.

“Mr Lupin?” said Mrs Hudson, the landlady. “I have a Miss Anne Robinson here to see you.”

“Yes, yes let her in,” replied Remus impatiently. Within a few seconds, Mrs Hudson had returned, leading a friendly-looking, middle-aged woman into the living room. Miss Robinson had a cheerful face with wrinkles next to her eyes that come from smiling and yet she looked sullen and tired, as do many of the people who visit our rooms at 221B Baker Street to seek professional help from Remus.

“Pray take a seat, Miss Robinson and tell me your story,” said Remus eagerly. “I have had no other cases to occupy me for the past week and would be glad for a problem of any kind. You are a cook, I presume?” The woman looked startled.

“Why, yes, Mr Lupin,” she said. “I work as a cook for the Wright family. But how could you have known that?”

“It is of no importance, I assure you. I simply noticed the soup stain on your dress,” said Remus. I could hear the slight note of impatience in his voice. However, I doubt anyone but I could have noticed it.

“How very clever of you,” said Miss Robinson, smiling at him. Remus brushed the compliment aside with a gesture of his hand.

“Now what is the case that you have brought for me today?” he asked.

“Well, Mr Lupin,” began the woman, “just three days ago, tragedy struck the Wright family. I spoke to Dr Wright and he agreed that it would be best to bring the case to you. I should probably begin by explaining to you the history of the household. Mr and Mrs Wright were very fitting for one another; they loved each other very much. When they decided to have children, Dr Wright hoped against hope that the child would be a boy. He desperately wanted someone to carry on the family name and honour. Poor Mrs Wright died in childbirth and Dr Wright heavily mourned her loss. To add to the trouble, little Mary Wright was not the boy her father had hoped for. Regardless, he learned to love his daughter and cared for her always; I would even venture to say he spoiled her a bit too much, although she turned out to be a lovely, modest young lady. And the spitting image of her dear mother she was too! Never saw a girl resemble her mother more than Mary resembled Mrs Wright.”

Miss Robinson smiled serenely at the thought of the mother and daughter together but then, her mouth turned down at the corners and her eyes became watery. She blinked several times and shivered slightly before continuing with her narrative.

“Anyway,” she continued, her voice shaky and unstable, “this is where I come to the crime. Just three days ago, at 9:30 on Wednesday night, Mary and her fiance, Charles, were found dead in Mary’s bedroom. He was stabbed right in the heart and she was shot in the head. The police have their suspect and I must say that the evidence against him is quite startling, that is to say, it seems like a finished case. But I thought I had better come to you sir, for I have the strangest feeling that the police have got it all wrong and I always trust my instincts, Mr Lupin.”

“Who is this suspect and what evidence do the police have against him?” asked Remus.

“His name is Joseph Williams, sir. He is a servant of the Wrights. He was found bending over the body of Charles after a gunshot was heard. When the other servants arrived, myself included, and called out his name, a triumphant smile rested on his face, his eyes ablaze, alive.” Miss Robinson shuddered. “The mere thought of his face chills me to my very core. I don’t know why I believe him to be innocent, sir, he seems perfectly capable of committing so horrible a crime. He has confessed to the police to have loved Mary ever since he first laid eyes on her. This would, of course, explain why he would have killed her fiance. The police think that he killed Mary because he was angry with her for not requiting his love but he denies all claims. He says he would never have touched a hair on her head. And as for Charles, he says he would have very much liked to kill him but that he did not do anything of the kind.”

“Were the weapons for the crime found?” asked Remus.

“The gun was in plain sight, thrown on the floor right beside the two. But the knife has not been located.”

“And I suppose the crime scene has not been preserved if the crime happened three days ago?”

“No sir. They moved the bodies on Friday morning.”

“Very well,” said Remus, straightening up. “Then I shall like to interview the other servants and Dr Wright if possible.”

“I shall speak to him, Mr Lupin. Perhaps you could come around to the house tomorrow morning?”

“Yes, I think I shall,” replied Remus. “Alright then, I just have one question before you leave, Miss Robinson. What hotel was Dr Wright staying at that night and why was he out of town?”

“How the deuce did you know he was out of town?” asked Miss Robinson, her brows raised and her eyes wide.

“It was quite simple, really. You never mentioned anything about how he ran into the room and cried out at the sight of the couple’s dead body or anything about how he slept so heavily that he didn’t hear the shot. I have heard many recounts of murder and this detail is included every time without fail. And yet you left it out of your narrative. Therefore, he must have been out of town at the time.”

“Oh,” Miss Robinson chuckled, “you gave a fright there for a moment Mr Lupin. Dr Wright was staying at L'Hôtel D'Affaires as he had an early conference meeting the next day.”

“Very well,” said Remus, “We shall see you tomorrow morning, Miss Robinson. Good day.” And with that, she bustled off back into the now significantly more crowded street.

The following day Remus and I ventured out to the Wright house to investigate. Remus questioned the two other servants but the interviews were brief and nothing new was discovered.

“Now we shall question Dr Wright and then I might head to the station to hear Mr Williams’ account,” said Remus.

One might think that it ails me to watch Remus question so many people and not understand what he understands. However, I must admit that it is one of my greatest pleasures to watch Remus work through a case. He is the master of deduction but there are a few telling signs that allow for me to draw my own conclusions. I know that he is excited despite his efforts to conceal it. Perhaps he fools the rest of the world but not me. I have the expressions of his face memorised. The furrow of his brows when he collects his evidence, the twinkle in his eyes when the pieces fall into place in his brilliant mind, the bite of his lip when he’s concentrating (sometimes I wish I were the one biting his lip in his place), the curl of his lip when, once again, he manages to outwit everybody else in the room. I believe Remus is the only man I have ever met who can be both modest and proud at once. And I love him for it.

“I was devastated when I got the news Mr Lupin,” said Dr Wright, once we were all sat down in the living room. “Naturally, of course. My beloved wife has passed and now my daughter and son-in-law too. This was the order of events as I had it. I left that evening at 6:15 and checked into L'Hôtel D'Affaires at 7:30. I had an important conference meeting early the next morning, you see, and I abhor rising early. The next day, I was summoned by the police and told that Williams had been arrested for the murder of Mary and Charles. I never knew Williams had feelings for my daughter but I think that his actions were certainly a poor expression of love.” Dr Wright’s face tensed with anger and despair. He looked truly broken and empty, as though he were lost and unsure about what he could do now that everything he had loved so dearly was gone.

“With your permission, sir, I will ask you a few questions now,” said Remus. “Were the couple happy together?”

“Oh yes. My Mary loved Charles truly; I believe she would have done anything for him.”

“And how did you feel about the match?”

“I too was satisfied. I thought that the boy was a wonderful young man and that he would take good care of my girl. I looked forward to their marriage.”

“What was the boy’s family like?”

“Oh, they lived quite comfortably and were very kind people. I thought Mary would be happy to be welcomed to such a family.”

“Well sir, I am truly sorry for your loss; I think we shall quit your company for I think I know everything that can be of use to me.”

---------

“Now to the police station then?” I asked once Remus and I left the house.

“No,” said Remus, still deep in thought, “no, I think our time would be better spent at the town gossip house.”

“Two beers, please,” said Remus as we walked into the nearest pub and placed three two-pence coins on the bar. When the bartender handed us our drinks, Remus turned to me and said, “Did you hear about what happened up at the Wright house?” I was familiar with Remus’ tactics by now and knew that he was, in fact, not speaking to me at all but merely hoping to be overheard by one of the locals at the bar.

“Know ‘bout that now do you?” the bartender interrupted before I would have had a chance to reply. He turned to face us once more.

“Yes, I read about it in the paper,” said Remus casually. I have said it before but he is an incredible actor. He fools them all. All but me. I grow warm at the thought and a smile begins to spread across my face but I suppress it. Smiling now would seem odd at the very least, suspicious as most. “They arrested the man, didn’t they? The servant they suspected?”

“Sure did,” replied the bartender. “And I reckon ‘e’s the one ‘oo dun it, too. D’you think ‘e’s the one ‘oo caused all them yellin’s up in the Haunted Shack?”

“Excuse me?” said Remus in evident surprise.

“You ain’t from around ‘ere, mister, are you?”

“No, I can’t say that I am.”

“Well, there’s a shack up there next to the Wright ‘ouse, a right nasty shack I’ll give you that. Now them Wrights is livin’ in a nice house, ain’t nothin’ too grand but it’s more than modest. Right by the Wright ‘ouse there’s an ol’ shack, abandoned I reckon. Dr Wright had fenced it off but ‘e never ‘ad it torn down. Now sometimes, in the dead of night, we villagers would ‘ear someone sobbin’ up in that place. Once we even ‘eard a scream. Ghosts, that’s what everyone’ll tell you, that the place is haunted. Rumor ‘as it that the reason that Dr Wright never tore down the bloody thing is because ‘e fears them ghosts. But I think different. I say whoever been makin’ those noises up in there, that’s your man, that’s the murderer. It ain’t makin’ much sense but it’s the bloody truth I’d be prepared to swear to it.”

Suddenly, Remus drained his drink in a gulp and said, “That’s an interesting idea, but we really must get going, Sirius, if we’re going to make the next train.”

Next, we visited L'Hôtel D'Affaires where Remus made some small inquiries while I admired the hotel’s lounge and thought over our discussion with the bartender. Why on earth would Williams, the servant, sob and scream in an old, mangled shack? I had no answer but I was sure that Remus did.

Finally, we returned to Baker Street for a spot of supper and bed. We ate without exchanging a word until Remus suddenly broke the silence.

“This case is wrong, all wrong!” he exclaimed in frustration. “But I haven’t enough evidence just yet to get the man convicted. But I shall find it, I shall.” And with that, he marched up to bed. I waited to follow him up. On nights like this, I give Remus space to mull over his thoughts about the case alone before going to bed. He has never asked me to but I know he wants the time to think.

“Hello,” said I, upon entering the room later that night. Remus seemed to have been lost in thought; upon my entrance, his head turned sharply towards me. “Would you like me to leave?” I asked hesitantly.

“No, of course not, darling,” he said, his expression softening, revealing the man I know behind the great detective. “As a matter of fact, perhaps I should let my mind become distracted by other matters and return to the case in the morning. I sometimes find it easier to approach the facts at a different angle when doing that.”

“I could think of a few ways to keep your mind distracted,” I said, grinning at him.

“Can you now?” he smirked.

---------

The next day, Remus decided to go back up to the Wright house and search Mary Wright’s room, the place where the crime was committed, for evidence of his new theory. He came back with a triumphant look on his face that indicated success. That night, after a small supper, Remus asked if I wished to accompany him.

“Where would we be going?” I asked curiously.

“To bring this case to justice,” he replied simply. “Bring your revolver,” he added; even though I had not yet consented to join him, he knew I could not refuse an offer such as the one before me. Not only because of my all-consuming love for him, but because of my curiosity as well.

When we arrived at the Wright house – which was, apparently, our destination – the door was opened by Dr Wright himself.

“Mr Lupin,” he said in surprise. Without waiting for a reply, Remus stepped over the threshold and into the house; I was on his heel as always.

“I must insist that you leave,” said Dr Wright in rage. “What is this hour at which you call upon me? Surely what you want can wait until tomorrow?”

“As a matter of fact, it cannot,” said Remus. His amber eyes bore straight into the brown ones of Dr Wright as though seeing right through him. “I don’t often carry out the commands of murderers.”

“I—what—h–how dare you—?” spluttered the doctor but he had turned significantly paler.

“Would you like to tell the story or shall I tell it for you?” said Remus.

“You know everything?” asked Dr Wright, sinking into a chair.

“I do.”

“Then I may as well come out and say that I had no intention for it to go this far. I suppose it began with my wife. I loved her dearly and I wanted a son terribly. When Mary was born and my wife passed away, I was in agony. I felt as though I had lost everything that I held dear. Mary was the spitting image of my late wife; she was a constant reminder of my lost love which was both excruciatingly painful and necessary for my survival. I hadn’t the heart to kill the girl but the pain drove me to near insanity sometimes and in those moments I would drag Mary into the shack on the outskirts of this property and whip her with my riding crop. I treated her terribly though nobody knew, not even the servants.”

My hands began to shake at that. Memories of my own childhood filled my head. The whipping, the beating, the screaming. I clenched my hands into fists to mask the shaking but Remus noticed. He noticed everything. His hand twitched towards mine but I met his eyes and shook my head ever so slightly. Not now. And certainly not here. Only one arrest would be made tonight and it wouldn’t be either of us.

I forced myself back into the present, feeling a surge of anger towards the man sitting before me but I did nothing more than continue to glare at him. All these years working alongside Remus had taught me to control my temper if only a little. This man would get what he deserved. Hitting him now wouldn’t solve anything. It would make me feel a whole lot better, though. The thought crossed my mind but Remus met my eye again. He knew what I was thinking. His eyes flashed, reminding me that acting now would be unwise and reckless.

Dr Wright must have noticed the disgust and fury with which Remus and I were glaring at him, for he added defensively, “I’m not proud of it; these were certainly my lowest moments save when I… well I’ll get to that later. Anyhow, the villagers heard Mary’s sobs and started the rumour that there were ghosts living in the old shack. I encouraged the rumours, or at least I didn’t discourage them.

“Then, all of a sudden, my little Mary was announcing that she was engaged, that she was to be taken away from me; my last living link to my wife. You must understand my position gentlemen.” Dr Wright’s eyes were wide; he looked like he was pleading with Remus and me to put ourselves in his position. “On Wednesday night, I left the house at 6:30 that evening, telling everyone that I was staying the night at a hotel as I had an early conference meeting the next morning. I wasn’t lying but I wasn’t telling the full truth either. I intended to go to Charles’ house and confront him, to tell him to call off the marriage and threaten him with everything within my power. I went to Mary’s room to bid her farewell and left for Charles’. I knocked on the door but there was no reply. The door was left unlocked so I entered. I called for the man but without success. Then I saw a letter lying on the table.

“‘Dearest Charles,’ it read, ‘Father is leaving town tonight for a conference. Perhaps you would like to stay at our house for the night? All my love, Mary.’ I was infuriated. I rushed back to the house but rather than entering through the door, I climbed into Mary’s room through the window and found Charles sitting at her desk, a mischievous smile dancing on his smug face. Anger surged through me and, without thinking, I grabbed the knife I had brought with me, for caution’s sake, and stabbed him in the heart. He gave a strangled sort of scream; it was not loud enough to wake the servants but it was loud enough to cause Mary considerable alarm.

‘Charles?’ she called from the hall. ‘Is everything alright?’ And that was when my world fell apart. Mary entered the room and I stood up so violently that I pulled the knife right out. So many emotions flooded me at once and it was too much for me to handle. I pulled out my gun and shot her. I stood frozen for what felt like eternities, watching my only child fall dead to the floor from a bullet I had shot. The servant’s yelps of concern from downstairs caused me to snap out of my reverie. When I realized what I had done, I dropped the gun, pocketed the knife and scrambled back out the window. I left for L'Hôtel D'Affaires and spent the night there. The rest of the story, you already know gentlemen.” Remus’ look of disgust had not yet faded off his face. My hands had not yet stopped shaking.

“I have alerted the authorities,” said Remus, “and they are waiting for us outside. You will accompany them back to the station and await your trial in jail. If you do not come peacefully, I will use force.” Dr Wright said nothing else but followed Remus and me outside where he was arrested by the county police.

---------

“I believe I owe you an explanation, Sirius,” says Remus once we were seated once more in the comfort of our armchairs in 221B Baker Street. “And an apology. I shouldn’t have suggested that you accompany me on this specific case. Not when the details of it could… resurface unwanted memories.” I shake my head.

“It’s quite alright,” I say.

“No, it’s not,” says Remus, taking my hand in his own. “I forced you to relive your worst memories without so much as a warning, all for my peace of mind. All because I wanted you by my side. It was horribly selfish of me.”

“I would have insisted on accompanying you anyway,” I say. “I want to be by your side, my love. Now, pray tell me about your thought process. How did you solve the case?” This, perhaps, is what I enjoy most about working on cases with Remus. The moment when the case has been solved, the victims avenged, the villains confronted and punished appropriately, and only Remus and I remain, in the living room of our flat, our limbs tangled together as I watch the excitement and passion that radiates from Remus as he explains to me how his extraordinary mind saw what only he could.

“Firstly,” he begins, and already I can hear the shift in his voice. He loves his work. And he shares it with me. It is one of the things I love most about him. (I do say that quite a lot. Perhaps it is simply because I love everything about him.) “I will admit that I entered the case thinking that Williams was very likely the culprit. I consented to conduct the investigation in the case that my client’s instincts proved to be correct but I was almost entirely convinced that the investigation would be worthless. My suspicion first fell upon Dr Wright when I was interrogating him. I asked him what he thought of the match between his daughter and Charles; he said he was looking forward to their marriage. I found this most abnormal as nearly all fathers feel some sadness when their daughters leave their houses for that of another man especially when their wives have passed on. Why should this man be glad to lose his daughter? My immediate response was that he wasn’t, he was merely pretending to avoid suspicion. This, however, was hardly evidence, it was nothing more than a gut feeling.

“So we went to the town pub and learnt about the shack. I followed this by visiting L'Hôtel D'Affaires and inquiring as to the hour at which Dr Wright checked in. As you may recall, he told us that he had checked in at 7:30, an hour after his departure. But at L'Hôtel D'Affaires I was informed that Dr Wright only checked in at 10:30 on Wednesday night. By this point, my theory was formed and I was certain of its accuracy but I still needed proof. Therefore, the following morning I went to the scene of the crime and, after some rummaging about, found Mary Wright’s diary which included Charles’ reply to her letter that invited him over on that fateful night. The diary told me everything I needed to know. Then you and I went to confront Dr Wright, he was rightfully arrested and here we are now.” Remus concludes his explanation with a grim smile.

“Wonderful!” I say, applauding him for his achievement. Remus shrugs but I can see that he is attempting to hide a smile. If I could only shower him with compliments for the rest of my days to see his beautiful smile, I would do so. “You know, detective, one might find it very attractive when you make all these deductions,” I add.

“Oh?” he says, eyebrows raised. “And would this ‘one’ be you, by any chance?”

“Is that another deduction?” I tease.

“That wasn’t something I needed to deduce, love, it’s written all over your gorgeous face,” he says. Then I kiss him slowly, bringing my hand into his hair when I feel his on my waist.

“I do love you, you know,” he says, his lips still lingering on mine, refusing to pull away. “I don’t say it as often as I should but I do. The world can continue to hate it but I will never cease to love you, Sirius.”

“I know,” I reply, allowing my hand to fall and gently brush his cheek. “I love you too.” Remus blushes and I can see the man I fell in love with. Where the rest of the world sees only his brilliant mind and his icy exterior, I see beyond. I see the goodness in his heart, the emotion in his voice, the passion in his eyes, softness of his lips. I see it all and more. He shows it to me and only to me. He lets me have him. And I give him all there is of me in return. It is of this that I think when I lean in to kiss Remus again. And it is of this that I think when he kisses me back.

#remus lupin #remus lupin fluff #sirius black #sirius black fluff #moony #padfoot #wolfstar #WOLFSTAR FLUFF #wolfstar fanfic #Wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstar oneshot #remus x sirius #sirius x remus #Marauders #marauders fanfiction #marauders oneshot #sherlock holmes #switching fandoms

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feanors-daughter · 4 years

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I may not discuss it in depth often, though I do allude to it, but there is a deep chasm between each different phase in Laurelin's character.

I acknowledge three big ones, with minor shifts in between. The first is in Valinor, the second in the First Age, and the third in the Second Age. Each time period portrays a very different Laurelin because events in each fundamentally change who she is. Laurelin, at her very core, is a passionate and emotional person who is very affected by things and people and events in her life.

So the first phase of her character is in Valinor. Laurelin is joyful, laughs loudly, smiles often, and shines as brightly as the tree she was named for. She is still prone to rage, as is her wont, but is bright and happy and could never imagine anything in her life going wrong. People tend to flock to her and she certainly receives a lot of attention as one of the three granddaughters of Finwë. Her paintings are in high demand for their quality and even just the chance to work with someone like her. She is fiery, bold, bright, and beautiful.

That all starts to change when she begins to have visions of her and her family's futures. These visions are triggered by the creation of the Silmarils and when she looks upon them for the first time, she is overcome by images of death, blood, flames, and horrible destruction. From then on, she is quicker to anger, more depressed, and her artwork grows very dark and often disturbing. She never shows these pieces to anyone. They upset even herself.

The oath, leaving her home and her mother, Alqualondë, and subsequent events of the First Age only worsen her state and make these newer negative traits far more common than the positive. However, she still manages to grow into a formidable leader, clever battle strategist, and fierce warrior. She often holds sparring matches with her troops and always participates, and she becomes known as a relentless and very capable commander. To her own horror, she grows to enjoy the thrills of battle and fighting. The adrenaline makes her feel alive and, for a moment, she can ignore everything else. Nightmares and horrible visions haunt her, and after each battle she is left in shock and horror towards herself. The kinslayings in particular leave her emotionally destroyed. Each one pushes her closer and closer to defecting. She might have, if not for her loyalty towards her brothers and fear of the Void.

The kidnapping fostering of Elrond and Elros is what saves her from falling as deeply into depression and madness as her brothers do. For a few weeks or so after the third kinslaying, she is cold and distant toward the twins because of the death of Ambarussa, feeling heavily the loss of her younger brothers. However, she is unable to maintain these feelings towards them as she watches their suffering and soon her heart begins to soften. She quickly comes to love them as her own sons.

In the War of Wrath, after her horrible injury and many weeks in a comatose state, she falls into a deep and dark depression. She is in terrible pain and feels she has been abandoned by her brothers. For some time after she wakes, she contemplates tearing her stitches and letting herself die, but only stops because of Elrond. He is her rock and her love for him keeps her afloat. Her injuries broke her spirit. She was never a soul intended to be alone or confined to a bed. The fire in her soul that kept her alive had dwindled to almost nothing and it never fully recovered. She is physically healed, eventually, but it is a long and difficult road and even once the darkness has appeared to have mostly faded, she is still deeply scarred by all that happened. She drinks often and forgoes sleep whenever possible, for sleep brings nightmares. Gil-galad, Elrond, and her children are all that she holds onto. They keep her happy and sane and they keep her fire alive. She has changed greatly. Though she still has her rage, it has subsided and she is no longer as prone to anger as she once was. Her spirit broke and was forced to reform into something new, softer, and more gentle than she ever was before.

#this is very important #i may not have gotten my thoughts across as well as i wanted to #but i feel like a lot of people dont realize the vast differences in lau as her timeline progresses #so these were my thoughts on the subject lol #save tag #ref #laurelin #headcanon

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unsurepotatohooman · 4 years

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Two Birds

Fandom : Sander Sides

Characters : Deceit, Virgil, Remus, Patton

Pairings : Platonic Anxceit, Demus and past platonic, now toxic (?) Moceit

Summary : This fic revolves around how Virgil eventually leaves the "dark sides".

Warnings : Swearing :P

A/N : Wow this is my first fic that I am posting! I worked on this for two hours a few days ago after I finally started to crawl out of my writers block. The lyrics I am using is from a song called Two Birds by Regina Spektor. The plot used in this video is heavily inspired by an animatic by teardroppeddew on YouTube! Their animatic is W O N D E R F U L so please check it out!! Here is the link : https://youtu.be/8S6mWMgMqOo I hope you enjoy!!

Work :

Two birds on a wire

Anxiety and Deceit sat together in the dark sides commons. No one really came out in the open very much. The “dark sides”, so their title states, tended to spend time in the shadows; however, the anxious and deceitful sides had grown closer over the years.

One tries to fly away

“-and then we can use that to our advantage. We could finally be heard, Verge!”

And the other watches him close from that wire

The anxious trait sat atop the counter watching as Deceit paced back and forth in the living room, making sure to avoid the dead animal that was left behind by Remus. Deceit was gesturing as he spoke, he cape flapping with the motion. This is how they spent their time together, plotting.

He says he wants to as well

“That could work. We just need to keep Thomas safe.” Anxiety said with his head in his hand that was propped up on his knee.

But he is a liar

Little did they know that Virgil would be heard more than all of them.

I’ll believe it all

“Virgil, are you alright?”

“Dee, I-I don’t know what to do.”

Virgil shook as he spoke. Deceit swept him inside his room and shut the door.

“Tell me what happened.”

There’s nothing I won’t understand

“I’m one of the core sides now.”

I’ll believe it all

He wasn’t expecting that. Virgil clung to him as he sobbed.

“H-hey, calm down Verge. It’s okay.”

I won’t let go of your hand

“Virgil, look at me.”

Deceit guided the anxious traits eyes to meet his own.

“This is a good thing! You can keep Thomas safe and be heard. The rest of us can’t do that.”

“B-but I have to leave the subconscious.” Virgil sniffed.

Damn. There was always a but.

“I’ll still be here for you Verge, I promise. Just come back and visit us whenever.”

As he spoke, Deceit avoided the dread forming in the pit of his stomach. He focused instead on combing his fingers through the boy’s hair.

“Everything will be fine.”

He didn’t even know that the phrase that slipped between his teeth was a lie.

Two birds on a wire

Deceit sat with his head in his hands; his hat lay close beside him.

“Hello~ Dee!” Remus popped up as he made his way into the commons waving his morning star behind him.

Deceit didn’t even bother to look up at the creative facet.

“Still feeling low?” Remus asked.

“No.” The lie slipped through his teeth.

One says c’mon on and the other says “I’m tired”

“Come on! If Virgil the racoon can be heard why can’t I!?”

“Not now, Remus.” Deceit sighed. They had been having this conversation for weeks now. It always ended in the same argument.

“No! You keep putting this off! I can’t take it Dee!”

The sky is overcast and I’m sorry

“Remus enough!”

Remus froze at the shouting. Deceit turned to face him; his snake eye glowed a dangerous yellow color.

“I will let you know when Thomas is ready. We can’t do this now.”

One more or one less

“Fine! Keep me hidden away!”

“Remus-”

It was no use. The creative side sunk out behind the couch. Deceit walked over to it and peered behind the furniture; sometimes Remus tended to pull pranks and just lay on the floor after pretending to sink out. This however, was no joke.

Nobody’s worried

Deceit sunk out back to his room and tried to ignore the tears streaming down his face, the way his fist clenched by his sides or the way his chest squeezed painfully. The yellow glow faded from his eye.

“Everything’s fine.”

I’ll believe it all~

Virgil hadn’t visited in weeks and Remus had barely spoke to Deceit. Everything seemed to be darker in this side of the mindscape. They all kept to themselves far more and the tension was high.

Deceit sat on his bed while he petted his snake. The green and yellow scales that matched his own glimmered in the light from the stars of desire that floated about the room. Thoughts filtered through his mind; some were from Thomas and others were his own.

There’s nothing I won’t understand

A knock on the door snapped him back to reality. He lied the snake down on the mattress as it released a small his of displeasure. With a flick of his wrist the door was unlocked.

“You may not come in.”

The door opened to reveal Remus with a solemn expression over his face.

I’ll believe it all~

“Hello Remus.” Deceit said shortly, though his eyes swam with curiosity. “What do you desire?”

“Dee-” Remus croaked out. “I-I’m sorry.”

I won’t let go of your hand

The pair ended up on Deceit’s bed; Remus on top of Deceit. The creative side was holding on tightly to his shirt as he wailed about all the things that were going through his mind; horrible things. The deceitful facet normally kept Remus from reeling too far; though, their argument prevented him from doing so.

“I’ve got you Rem.” Deceit said softly as he stroked his hair.

“Please d-don’t leave again.”

Deceit slowly slid his hand into Remus’ and squeezed it gently.

“I won’t; promise.”

Two birds of a feather

Deceit was once again sitting in his room filtering through Thomas’ desires. Some of them were simple enough; the want for pizza or to watch more Steven Universe. Others; however, were much more complicated such as the desire for a stable relationship or skipping out on important events. Morality stood in the way of the more extreme desires with his ideas on rights and wrongs. Deceit scoffed at the thought of him.

To think at one point he used to be close with Patton.

They used to be brothers.

He quickly shook the thought from his mind. There was no need to focus on his own desires right now.

Say that they’re always gonna stay together

“I love you Dee Dee!” Patton squealed as he embraced the side in a hug.

Deceit couldn’t help but smile. In the warmth and comfort of their cat and snake onesies, he responded,

“I love you too, Pat.”

But one’s never going to let go of that wire

“Dee stop! Thomas can’t lie! It will hurt them!”

The two boys stood as they shouted with each other in the mindscape commons.

“Patton,” Deceit’s voice was tired. “If he doesn’t, he will get in trouble! Just listen to me for once!”

He says that he will

“I am!” Patton yelled as tears stream down his face. “What you are saying is wrong!”

But he is a lair

“Dee.”

Deceit jumped at the voice. He was so caught up in his own desires he didn’t notice that Remus was there.

“Remus! God, what do you need?”

There was a pause.

“Virgil’s here.”

Two birds on a wire~

The three boys stood in the “dark sides” common room.

“Well, look who decided to finally show up.” Deceit starts.

Virgil rolled his eyes and shoved his hands deeper into his hoodie pockets; purple hoodie pockets.

“What’s with the new getup?” Remus asked as he gestured with his morning star. “Did you all get like superhero outfits or something?”

“No, we didn’t.”

Something was wrong. Something was… different.

One tries to fly away and the other

“I need you two to stop messing with Thomas.”

Remus’ jaw dropped as Deceit’s clenched.

“Excuse me, what now?”

Watches him close from that wire

“You two are doing him more harm than good!” Virgil yelled as his voice became distorted.

“NO! We agreed that we should all be heard! Don’t you remember what it’s like to be like us or has all of this ‘light side’ stuff just gone to your head!” Deceit snapped.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be heard if you are just going to hurt Thomas!”

“Maybe you should just go back to all those stuck up dumb asses and leave us alone! We don’t have to listen to a bitch like you!” Remus shouted.

“Fine! Maybe I will!”

With one final glare, Virgil was gone.

He says he wants to as well, but he is a lair

“I ‘ought to go kick his ass right now!”

“Remus, no.”

“W-what?! What do you mean no!?” Remus asked as he gestured wildly about. “He just fucking told us that we are hurting Thomas!”

“And there is no need to go punching him in the gut for it, that will only hurt Thomas.”

“This is BULLSHIT! B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T! I’m out of here!”

And with that, Remus was gone too.

Two birds on a wire

Anger. That was the emotion he felt as the two sides left. He felt anger, confusion and guilt.

Felt.

Feelings.

Emotions…

“Patton.”

One tries to fly away and the other-

Deceit charges into Patton’s room earning a gasp from the moral side.

“Dee! What are you- are you crying?”

Deceit snarled as he stomped over and picked up the moral side by his shirt; his snake eye was gleaming so bright the light side had to squint to look at him.

“Let’s play a game, shall we?”

#ts sanders #ts sander sides #deceit sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #dark sides #light sides #platonic anxceit #platonic demus #past platonic moceit #songfic #two birds #swearing #potatowriting

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bonesthebeloved · 5 years

Text

4 days and 4 months- Sanders Sides Part 2/2

Word count: 2277 Summary: After a fight, Roman goes on another quest to the imagination. After four days, Patton goes after him. Just to find that the issues might lay deeper than a simple feud

TRIGGER/SQUICK WARNING: Crying, Screaming, Mention of abandonment issues, neglective friends mention. (If there’s some I missed, please point them out to me (: )

-Based on a request made by @ragingdumpsterfiremess

-Read part one here-

"Why didn't you say something?" "Oh didn't I? What about the whole puppet episode Pat? And the many times I actually spoke out about it and you all acted like I hadn't said anything? What about the shattered mirrors? You really believed that was an accident? How do somebody crash into a mirror and only their hand is hurt, Patton?" "It isn't my fault that you were so vague about it! If you had just-" "I LITERALLY TOLD YOU I WANTED TO DIE AND YOU ACTED LIKE I WASN'T EVEN THERE!"

"When- when did you-?" "Five months, two weeks and one day ago. Though for you it would probably be one month right?" "You kept count?" "What else am I supposed to do to not go insane at the thought of all of my friends, my family, not giving a single FUCK about how I'm doing? Do you know how much it hurts Pat? To see your brother, somebody you've tried with all your might to not be like, get accepted so easily? Because I sure fucking do!"

He was crying now. Tears born out of anger and frustration rolling down his cheeks and all Patton wanted to do was to understand. Understand how it had gotten to this point. How they hadn't noticed. "We don't really enjoy his company you know. But I thought we should give him and Deceit a chance. We gave one to Virgil so-" "And that's wonderful Patton. It fucking precious that you want to see the good in everybody. But with a person who tried to kill his brother multiple times in multiple ways. It might be good to ask the person that he's been belittling his entire life how he feels about the whole thing. And please, for the love of God, don't talk about accepting people when you all have been growing cold towards me and haven't given two fucks about it." "We haven't-" "Yes you have. Now leave me alone." Was the simple reply before Roman stood, putting the jug on the counter and storming out of the pub they'd been sitting in.

Patton followed him outside and was immediately hit by heavy rain and stormclouds turning the cloudless sky into a black and swirling mess. Shielding his eyes against the rain he ploughed forward, shouting after Roman who now only was a flash of red in the sudden darkness.

He chased after him through the market place. The people there, frozen in place. The rain clattering down on them seeming to melt them away slowly, crude, melting substance turning the happy faces into a horrifying scene. They exited the market place and ran through the village surrounding it. A dog, frozen as it chased after a stick that hovered in mid-air. Face and half of its body dripping away like melted plastic, no skull or any bones were visible. Almost as if they were figurines molten without a thought about the inner anatomy.

"Roman, please! RO-ROMAN!" No reply, the red flash getting further and further away from him. He'd never been the athletic type.

Suddenly he saw the boy from earlier, standing still like a statue, arm stretched forward (he must've been the one to throw the stick then, he thought) half of his arm was missing already, melted off, face unrecognizable, the only way Patton had been able to identify him so quickly being the clothes he wore.

"What the hell is going on here," he asked himself between huffs of air, sides stinging, lungs aching and stumbling time and time again over small rocks and big branches.

It couldn't have been this bad, could it? Roman hadn't gone mad, had he?

Suddenly, he bumped into something, nearly falling to the floor and latching onto the thing to avoid crashing to the ground.

As soon as he registered that what he was grabbing onto was fabric, he jumped back, going to apologise before stopping mid breath as he realised that it was Roman he'd bumped into.

They were standing on the edge of a cliff, clothes sticking to the both of them, Roman's cape swirling around him and the wind tugging at Patton's clothes. "Roman, just talk to me!" he shouted, trying to be loud enough to be heard over the thunder and roaring wind. It barely sounded like a whisper. "We can talk this out! Don't you think this reaction is a bit overdramatic?" "you really don't get it to do you?" Roman spoke normally, but somehow his voice could be heard loud and clear over all the noise that nature crashing down around them was making.

A part of the cliff beneath them broke off and fell into the sea with a deafening sound and Patton resisted the urge to cover his ears in favour of keeping perfectly still, staring at Roman and trying to make eye contact. Roman looked away.

"You really don't," he said again, turning away, facing whatever lay beneath the cliff. Patton couldn't see the water. Couldn't see anything but darkness down there.

"It's my job to be dramatic Patton. But this-" he waved his arms around, gesturing to everything around them, the melted trees a few meters back, the squirrel that was now barely more than a puddle that sat a few inches beside the creative trait. "-can barely be called an overreaction. "

He finally turned around then, staring straight at Patton who, overwhelmed by the intensity of the gaze, was suddenly not so sure why he'd been wanting to make eye contact.

"Maybe it isn't. But you do need to come back with me Roman. Remus told us what this place does with your mi-" "Oh did he? Since when does he actually care about where I am?" "Roman he's your brother!" "And he's wished me dead more times than I can count Pat. I've stopped trying to establish a normal relationship with him long ago." "But he-" "Is evil. He's a bad person. I know you want to see the good in everyone but some people are just bad people. No matter how many chances you give them they'll keep disappointing you over and over again because they're just born that way. And even if you try your very best to include them they'll just cut you off, they'll tell themselves that you don't really care about them and they're RIGHT." "This isn't about Remus anymore." "YES IT FUCKING IS!"

Roman's voice sounded strange. Shaking with rage and repressed tears. But he also had the same voice Virgil would get when extremely anxious. Two voices speaking over each other, mixing and not quite matching.

"We'll try and make it work Roman I promise. Please just come home with m-" "THIS IS MY HOME!" "Please stop shouting." He was shaking now. They both were, though Patton wasn't sure that the creative trait was doing so because of the cold clothes sticking to him. "Roman I just want to understand. Why stay here? Why not just come back with me?" "BECAUSE- Be-because at least here... Here they actually care about me."

"Roman they're-they're not real..." The Prince let out a sigh and turned away again, facing the emptiness beyond the cliff, wind violently tugging at his cape and hair.

"I don't care Pat. It's better than real people pretending to care. It's better." "But-" he went to step closer, though reeled back when another piece of the cliff broke off, Roman now standing on the very edge.

"-but this place hurts you, Roman. I can't- It won't get better like this. I mean... Roman, what happened to you? You've--you've changed so much can't even--who are-... What happened to your face?"

He hadn't meant to ask. Not at that moment. Maybe not ever if Roman wouldn't have acknowledged it. And now he found that, as soon as he'd said it, it seemed like the worst possible thing he could've mentioned.

Roman turned around slowly. The bad side of his face, the side Patton asked about, facing him first.

The left side of his face was burned horribly, skin looking as if it had melted of rather than simply scorched. It reminded him a lot of the melting people and animals they'd passed as he chased the Prince to this place. Left eye a startling white.

Thunder crackled above them, the cliff creaked as if it was moments away from falling into the emptiness that lay beneath. Roman looked even closer to completely falling.

"I did."

It then occurred to Patton that the twins could both manipulate the imagination at will. Everything in there could be bent and broken. Created and destroyed if only they wanted to. At the same time, he realised that this meant that every time that Roman had come back hurt from his adventures, bleeding out on the couch or arm in a sling. Bruises ribs and broken noses. Had all been caused by monsters he thought up himself.

"Roman. Roman, please step back from the edge." "It's not dangerous if I don't want it to be." the Prince said a sick kind of glee in his eyes. Seeming to understand that Patton finally got it.

"Roman please, for me." "And why would I own you favour? Any of you? After ignoring me and all that I stand for time and time again, you really expect me to listen to you?" "Roman-" Patton was crying now, still shaking, still hopeless and still inching away from the cliff. "What would I get out of coming back Patton? You've all made clear I'm not wanted there. Why would it be any better now."

That stung. Not only because the words were an echo of the explanation Virgil had given them when he'd ducked out, but because he sounded scared. Roman sounded like a scared child, just wanting the comfort of knowing that he'd be safe but not able to believe it when somebody promised him just that.

All of the pain was self-inflicted. The bruises and cuts and stab wounds were an elaborate way of self-harming and it hurt him to the core to know that Roman felt as if it was needed. As if he deserved it.

"Roman, step off of the cliff. Let's talk this through while we're inside," he said, reaching out to him. Offering his hand, offering a chance. An opportunity. Roman stared at him in silence. And Patton wasn't quite sure if it were tears or simply the rain that streamed down the creative trait's face.

After what felt like an eternity, a shaking and ice-cold hand slipped into his own, the cliff behind them breaking into pieces and falling down and down and down. He couldn't hear the impact.

And while he grabbed onto the hand, pulling the heavily shaking Roman into a tight hug, he felt as if they were still on the cliff. Inches away from the edge, so very close to shattering themselves, plummeting into darkness.

"I don't want to hurt again Pat." came Romans voice, barely a whisper and so very fragile. And Patton squeezed him extra tight and wished for the door that would let them leave the imagination to appear in front of him. And as the door slowly materialised behind Roman, Patton buried his head in the prince's shoulder, not caring about the wet cloth sticking to his skin, the cold that ran bone-deep and made the both of them shiver. The fear that made them shiver so much harder. And the Prince clung to him as if he was a lifeline.

"Come on Ro. Let's get you home."

Patton opened the door with a quick wave of his hand. And they stepped through, Roman visibly deflating as soon as they were back in the familiar hallway.

"I'm going to let you go now, okay Ro?"

Slowly, so very slowly, he released his arm from their death grip on Roman's cape. And as he pulled away, he could see how the Prince was concentrating, face pinched as the wounds slowly melted away.

"It's not gone, is it?" "No," came the answer, a deep sigh leaving his friend who, now that they were out of the imagination, was all tugging sleeves and shifty eyes. Refusing to make eye contact. "I will it out of sight. But it's still there. The scar will be aswell. All of them are." "Can I... Can I see?" It sounded so strange. Something reserved for when you've caught a glimpse of a cut on somebody their arm or if somebody is showing an image on their phone. And as Roman nodded carefully, face pinched again before he, after glancing at Patton to see if it was alright, took off his shirt, the fatherly trait found that it was very much like the first scenario.

A variation of an uncountable amount of wounds littered the prince's body. Variating from burn marks to stab wounds to a slash that seemed way to near to his throat for Patton his comfort. Hands and arms littered in smaller scars from thornbushes and smaller creatures their teeth. A few large, tooth-shaped once indicating a nasty bite from what Roman told him was the dragon witch.

"Roman... Ro, you need to be more careful." "I don't want to be." And there lay the simple root of the issue. The truth sprawled out in front of him, bare and open like shattered glass. And picking up the pieces to glue them back together would be an impossible job. But maybe they could build it up again.

"Try to be okay? I'll make sure you're well prepared next time you go out."

It would never be whole again. And the cliff might never be too far out of sight,

"I'd like that Pat. I really would."

But maybe that's was alright for now. They had their glue, and some shards were easily fixed.

"Now. Come on then. Let's get you cleaned up and into bed champ. We'll talk in the morning."

And slowly, slowly but steadily, they inched away from the cliff.

Tags: @purp-man @brokencrown-au @ragingdumpsterfiremess @sapphire-knight

#Give roman happiness 2k19 #roman angst #roman sanders #Roman #Sad Roman #sanders sides #thomas sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #thatsthat24 #Fanfiction #fanders #sad headcanon

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mountphoenixrp · 5 years

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We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

Nut, the Goddess of the Sky, whose origins stem from Ancient Egypt. She is now the chief of the MPPD and a City Council member.

FC NAME/GROUP: Kim Jisook, Rainbow GOD NAME: Nut PANTHEON: Egyptian OCCUPATION: Chief Of Police, Council Member HEIGHT: 164 cm (5’5″) WEIGHT: 41 kg (90 lbs) DEFINING FEATURES:Nut hair color tends to resemble the color of the clouds in the sky while her eyes match the blueness of the sky since she is the sky goddess.

PERSONALITY: The caring & nurturing mother figure is the best way to describe Nut, she deeply cares about the well-being of others and wants what best for them while ignoring her own needs and problems. The goddess always is the one to take care of someone so she doesn’t know how to switch off. Nut is the most reliable goddess and always keeps her promises, she doesn’t know how to lie or manipulate others, unlike other deities. However, with her eagle eye observation skills she could spot out a bad egg from a mile away, she is awfully good so she believes deeply in the justice system there is no grey area only good or bad. This is why she pursued a career in law enforcement as all she wants is to create a safe environment so families can thrive in this crazy world. It really hurts her heart seeing others in distress and she has a distaste for men & women who seek power and uses unjust means to get it. Jealous & Greed is the grossest trait in any human, demi-god, god or goddess so she made it her duty to stop these types of characters wander the streets.

Nut always strives for peace and harmony among her social groups tends to be the one who they sit with and listen to their issues. She is not the most outgoing goddess as she likes to stay inside working on her arts & crafts projects or trying out new recipes or baking some delicious treats for her loved ones to try. Always she craves is a simple life yet she is always willing to jump into the fire to protect the people of mount phoenix. People who see her in the street or walking around she tends to see just a humble working woman who happens to be the chief of police and someone who deserves respect. MOM the word.

HISTORY: If someone looked upon about Ancient Egyptian Goddess Nut, the facts were her father & mother were the god of vital & the goddess of heat. Her husband was Geb, the god of the earth, that she has five infamous children Osiris, Isis, Seth, Nephthys, and Horus the Elder. That Sun deity Ra traveled through her every night to give birth to him in the day. Not forgetting to mention that Thoth helped her on bringing her children into this world too. Those were the facts about the ancient goddess Nut however there is always a little bit more to these stories. For starters, her husband Geb, the earth deity, she loved him with all her heart and wanted to protect him from the night sky because he was afraid of the dark. It was not all rainbows & sunshine since Geb did have a hostile relationship with their father Shu even challenge his leadership especially since he was the reason why she was separated from her lover Geb to create the cosmos yet it all stems back to the father-son jealousy.

Back then, Nut was blind to his intentions as she only wanted to protect others from harm way this is why she is the goddess who takes care of the dead on their journey into the afterlife. The moment she became pregnant with his children, she summoned the wrath of Ra another jealous god he forbade giving birth to them during the official calendar. Nut felt so saddened by this, she took comfort with one of her best friends which were one of the wisest gods of them all, Thoth. He found a loophole, he was able to play dice with the moon and granted Nut five extra calendar days in order for her to give birth to the five children. Immediately, the divine community shunned her children which only meant Nut loved them more than others. Being a mother is not easy especially to five children and not all of them tend to listen or do what she says.

Thankfully, her daughter Isis inherited her motherly instincts as she did look after her other siblings so she did feel quite proud of her. Osiris was a good child maybe even favored him more than others since he was certainly a good judge of character. Nephthys represent everything about being a good housewife another thing which she admired about her daughter. The two boys who struggled with was Horus and Set for completely different reasons, Set was always trouble child it didn’t matter what she did Nut could never get through to him. The day he killed his brother Osiris broke her heart into a million pieces despite everything he was still her son. Horus had some potential yet he always made her worry about his actions as he was brave and love to fly out of the nest. It is horrible watching her sons trying to kill each other and she blames their jealous strike from their father. After all that debacle, she decided to go live among the humans for while yet she discovered it is the same everywhere she went. Men & Women fighting over money or willing to step on each other to climb up the food train left an unpleasant taste in her mouth.

It was clear to the goddess she needed to help these poor unfortunate souls who caught in the crossfires so other the years, Nut has been caretaker throughout the ages from field medic on the battlefields of wars to humble nurse who tended the wounded and helps the sick children to a teacher teaching the children of the world on how to read and write and core values of this world trying to grow up to better than their ignorant parents. There were some humans who’re heart was so pure who made the goddess fall in love with them and take care of them for little way yet she was never able to stay cause she could never tell a human that she was goddess so leaving them to raise their child all by themselves. There is one career she felt she must useful which was working in the police department, she was a police officer for many years strolling the streets protecting the humans from criminal dangers. Nut watched the police force grow over the years in front of her very eyes, how the world changed over time creating even more dangers. If it wasn’t for her goddess youthful looks she would have so many worry wrinkles with the amount of stress this and nearly gave her heart attack few times but there was some hope when she started hearing whispers about this Mount Phoenix.

The goddess decided it was time to find a place to call home and settle down maybe create this ideal peaceful environment where she can watch others grow without no worries about being harmed. Nut came to Mount Phoenix taking the role of the new police chief so she brings law & order to this safe haven for the gods & goddesses. If her history has taught her anything, gods & goddesses need to be watched the most and that is why she joined the city council, she doesn’t know these other goddesses or gods but if they are like her own pantheon she needs to be part of the council to watch the others closely and help develop this city of gods.

POWERS: Naturally protective of others tend to sense when people are in danger or in need help with simple gut feeling. Stellar manipulation is key ability as she likes to create pretty shapes out of the stars and sometimes makes new ones when some of the stars fade out. STRENGTHS: Practical, Hardworking, Supportive, True To Their Word, Protective, Caring WEAKNESSES: Traditional, Struggles with letting go of the past, Unable to walk away from the toughest problems, Takes everything to heart, Workaholic

#kpop rp #krp #rainbow #kim jisook #rainbow jisook #mp; welcome

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textsfromtheborderline · 5 years

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Hey, I have a couple of questions; do you think any of the following are related to BPD? Or do I do both because I am simply an horribly abusive human being? (Which I know I am, but still.) #1 - humiliate the people I love in public. I know I do it, I always try to avoid it, but sometimes I slip. I do it with whomever is my FP at that moment. I rip them to pieces publicly and I feel high, 'cos it sorts of shows everybody how intimate our connection is?

Still the horrible abuser over here. #2 - whenever I meet a prospective FP I always feel the urge of showing off the absolute worst of me. How unbalanced I am, how callow, how sexually crass, codependant and full of anger. I think I sort of want them to know how fucking intense I am and match it... ? Or at the very least accept me. Although I know full well I only come off as unhinged. But it makes me high too... is it oversharing to the extreme? (I hate it. So humiliating, but I can't help it)

It takes guts to send a message like this and I admire the fact that you’re being so honest.

Simply put, the FP type of relationship is an aspect of BPD. And so is devaluation, which is the running thread of your message (humiliating people you love in public, but also displaying the worst of you). But you are making your own choices, personally, and they are clearly part of an unhealthy pattern of behaviour. So please don’t conveniently blame BPD, because mental illness is always the context, but never the catalyst, for action.

Let’s take a good, hard look at what you’ve said, since not only is it intriguing, but I think it can help us all learn from your experiences.

Regarding your first point, ripping someone to pieces publicly absolutely does not demonstrate to “everybody” how “intimate” your connection is. It just shows off in public that you are abusive. I bet you do this behind closed doors as well, but at least in public it’s something that’s out there for everyone to see and reaffirm.

I feel very sorry for your FP, current and prospective, yet if I may, I want to offer you several reasons why you do that:

You are “testing” your prospective FP by seeing how much hell you can put them through and how much bullshit you can pile on before they breakdown. Doing it in public is, as you say, immensely humiliating. I suppose that they pass your awful test if they lack the self-respect and backbone to fight back in public. Which is actually what you secretly hope for.

The first reason you hope for this is so that you can dial up the abuse more, in public, because if they fight back then you can somehow give yourself permission to be even worse, despite knowing all along that you are being abusive and provoking justifiable retaliation.

The second reason you hope for this is because you’re obviously self-pitying (as most abusers are) and sub-consciously (or perhaps even consciously) you want to be punished for being a horribly abusive human being. So in front of an audience, you are hoping for someone to step up (including your FP) and challenge you, this time in order to put a stop to your appalling behaviour (which you claim that you can’t do on your own; hold onto that thought). You want to be punished severely for what you have done and are doing; you want justice to rain down on you out of some sick sense of masochistic martyrdom, again arising out of your self-pity.

There is a “connection” that happens between an abuser and their victim, unfortunately, and it’s called trauma bonding or Stockholm syndrome. It’s perverse and terrible. That’s the kind of “connection” that you are referring to.

Real human connection doesn’t thrive off traumatic experiences. It is founded on mutual respect, care, and trust. It’s healthy because it’s focused on the well-being of the people who are connected to each other by virtue of their shared interests, heartfelt emotions, and free will.

Now regarding your second point about “showing off” the “worst in you,” this may also be some kind of test. To see if you will get “abandoned” by your FP when your true colours are on display. Doing this in public too will also give you lots of attention, which depending on your ego functions, may be contributing to that “high” you feel.

There’s really two key elements to this point. Firstly, you are devaluing yourself. Now I’m not disagreeing with you about the fact that you’re a shitty person, but I also don’t think you’re being entirely realistic. You say: “ how unbalanced I am, how callow, how sexually crass, codependant and full of anger.”

These are all decidedly dramatic descriptions of yourself. They still don’t get at the core of you as a person, and so without a clear self-image, you’ll never be able to strive for a stable one. You must know who you are and what you want in order to be happy. Believe it or not, I relate to what you’re saying here. I recognize my own toxic traits, but it’s also why I can tell you that everything you’ve identified as the “worst” in yourself can be entirely unlearned.

That starts with developing a healthy outlook on yourself. Instead of thinking of yourself as always being “unbalanced,” try to think of yourself as working on “stabilizing.” Instead of thinking of yourself as callow (inexperienced and immature), try to remember that you are a work in progress, a dynamic person who is learning, and seek out interesting, positive experiences. Instead of thinking that you are “sexually crass” and berating yourself for lacking some sort of class and sensitivity when it comes to sex, be more careful and caring about your body; take sex and partners at your own pace, and if it happens to be that you enjoy a lot of sex with a lot of people, then at the very least make an effort to do it safely. Develop your self-respect.

And instead of resenting that you are “codependant and full of anger” (both of which I’ve addressed, right here and here), start taking little steps toward independence and processing anger. You’re going to (re)discover a lot of yourself throughout this process, which is essential to developing a healthy, realistic self-image.

You might think this is all semantics, but it’s actually about altering your thought processes. So that in turn, you can start to invest positive emotions in those healthier thoughts.

And if that’s you at your “worst,” don’t you want to live in a way that lets your best shine forth?

Secondly, you want to have control over the situation. As you pointed out, you want your intensity to be accepted and matched-even if it’s at your “worst.” I understand that longing very well.

But I want to point out that Oversharing isn't exactly healthy in and of itself. It’s already “extreme” so to speak because there's already the potential to breach someone's healthy boundaries. What you're actually talking about specifically is being callous with "honesty." You may really be feeling one way in the moment, and things may be happening a certain way in fact, but there is still an appropriate time and place to share your own thoughts and feelings about what’s going on. You’re not respecting that. You’re being “honest” both in an effort to get your intensity out there, but also with a complete disregard for boundaries. That certainly does come across as unhinged, but it reveals a lot too: You associate vulnerability with being “humiliated” yourself. At the same time, being vulnerable makes you “high,” which I take to mean that it makes you feel “good,” so you’d like to keep being “honest” but you don’t want to be “humiliated.”

It’s too bad you have such a twisted outlook on being vulnerable, because when it’s done right, it’s one of the most amazing sensations ever.

Speaking of honesty, the truth is that you can help your behaviour, but you do not want to. That's at the core of you being a horribly abusive human being.

Why? Well, you said so yourself: being abusive gets you "high."

Here’s the darkest truth about abuse: abusive behaviour also hurts abusers, and abusers keep on abusing because they are emotionally invested in abuse.

Back in May, I made an infographic guide for people who recognized their abusive behaviours but were willing and determined to change them in order to live in a healthy way.

And the relationship between willingness to recover and not be abusive versus remaining abusive is something I extensively cover in my own work Between The Lines: Comparing BPD + NPD. I argue that for the most part, personality disordered people are quite willing to recover and learn to live in a healthy way, yet we lack the stigma-free resources to give us the ability to do so.

However, I also note that while resources alone have a positive correlation with willingness to be healthy, they still may not be enough all by themselves. This is due to the fact that most horribly abusive people refuse, that is to say they lack the will, to choose healthy behaviour, despite all the resources that could possibly be available to them.

Why? Well, we’ve come right back around to your admission: because being abusive gets you “high.”

As anyone who has ever been at the very least toxic realizes, there is a kind of thrill, a rush, a sense of being empowered or powerful, when it comes to having an advantage over someone. No matter how slight or twisted or real it may actually be.

Being on the other side of someone’s trust? Someone’s earnest feelings and thoughts? Getting access to their motives and drives, being involved in the sharing of that? Fuck, it’s so seductive and mesmerizing. It is honestly a “high” unlike any other. And abuse is inherently about taking these precious things and using them to your own gain or to cause pain, which then creates a vicious cycle of feeling “high” when you can still have someone’s trust but you’re not longer doing it with their best interests at heart.

So then horrible people like you get carried away in the thrill of that, the emotional investment, and find it almost impossible to stop. But as I keep emphasizing, you certainly can stop and break this unhealthy behaviour pattern.

Why? Because feeling “high” in the moment you abuse someone won’t ever be enough for you. Because it’s not a genuine connection.

And abusers do want a real connection with another human being. The problem is, they lie and fake and hurt their way into it; they manipulate and manufacture that “connection” because they cannot really be themselves and develop a real connection by being honest.

They haven’t developed a realistic, healthy outlook on themselves, because they’ve never fully taken the time to know themselves and be real about all their flaws and qualities.

Right now, that is you. At this time in your life, you are a horrible human being that is choosing abuse as a way to cheat their way into the best life has to offer, without being real about it. That’s pathetic.

Although I appreciate you sending this message, I don’t know quite what you expected to get out of me with it. Were you wanting me to publicly humiliate you? To offer you some sort of vicious punishment, or to reopen my old wounds?

If there’s only one thing you get from my response, I hope it is this:

You don’t have to remain a horribly abusive human being.

#anon #q + a #textsfromtheborderline #wow my hands are shaking after typing this

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shintorikhazumi · 7 years

Text

Heart Trouble (100 follower fic pt 1)

So... TWO SHOT

A/N: So… first things first,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR 100 FOLLOWERS!!! (111 if you wanna nitpick)

I was expecting it to happen over the weekend, but so soon?

You guys are the best… for sharing and liking my writing that is like… crap and stuff. T^T I have much to work on.

And I have 0 confidence so… pssshhh!

But, Thanks for your support… now… details, details you that might make you not like this…

Wingman/Cousin Andrew? That really is his only purpose… I swear. He shows up in like… 1 or 2 scenes tops… the other shortly. I promise if you don’t like him… but he is relevant for conversation purposes.

The rest is a secret!

This was so rushed(plot-wise) it is horrible!

Enjoy?

~Shintori Khazumi

Heart Trouble:

The heart is a muscular organ in humans and other animals, which pumps blood through the blood vessels of the circulatory system. Blood provides the body with oxygen and nutrients, as well as assists in the removal of metabolic wastes. In humans, the heart is located between the lungs, in the middle compartment of the chest.

As one of the vital organs, the heart was long identified as the center of the entire body, the seat of life, or emotion, or reason, will, intellect, purpose or the mind. The heart is an emblematic symbol in many religions, signifying "truth, conscience or moral courage in many religions – the temple or throne of God in Islamic and Judeo-Christian thought; the divine centre, or atman, and the third eye of transcendent wisdom in Hinduism; the diamond of purity and essence of the Buddha; the Taoist centre of understanding.

Humans have known about the heart since ancient times, although its precise function and anatomy were not clearly understood. From the primarily religious views of earlier societies towards the heart, ancient Greeks are considered to have been the primary seat of scientific understanding of the heart in the ancient world.

Aristotle, Plato, Hippocrates , Erasistratos.

The names of men so great, men who took part in discovering the workings of this instrument in the first centuries, paving the way for modern research and unearthing of treasured facts and wisdom that assisted in unraveling this marvelously complicated organ.

A vital part of life in a small form the size of your fist.

Something, that with its conditions and performance, could mean the difference between life and death.

“And we are yet to completely understand its essence, in the physical, emotional and mental aspect, dare I say spiritual?”

Diana shut her diary/logbook dedicated to her thoughts on heart study.

Reviewing her major points before a big operation did wonders to calm the shaking nerves in her very core as she was about to handle a life with care, her actions determining the fate of the life she held in her hands- quite literally.

Now, she remained in wait in the doctor’s lounge, hands clasped tightly together as she rocked herself on the balls of her feet whilst seated, trying to take away the usual jitters.

Despite being seen as one of the most stoic, calm and collected prodigious doctors, it did not change the fact that even she would feel the pressure of saving lives.

“Doctor Cavendish.” The surgeon specializing in cardiology, turned to her assisting nurses, clipboard of her next patient in hand. “Your charge is here.”

The woman in her late forties smiled at Diana through the photograph.

“Yes, please do bring Miss Benison in once she’s ready.” The doctor instructed, also preparing to change into her operating wear and clean herself for another day of fighting together with her patients to maintain life. “We’ll get her through this.”

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

One successful surgery later, and the young Doctor Cavendish could be found in one of the hospital’s spacious medical wards, a three-hour operation after countless restless nights taking its toll on the prodigious medical worker, eyelids steadily growing in weight as she lay, sprawled, yet in a graceful manner, if possible, on one of the beds.

She considered herself lucky. She was given the mind and abilities, most especially talent for medicine, and had become quite the successful doctor, gaining one too many awards, nearly spotless record.

Her only flaw in being a medical personnel, was that she was almost apathetic, if not, only slightly empathetic towards her patients.

Of course, caring too much and getting attached to patients wasn’t all too highly thought of, but still, to work in such facilities, you needed to care, even just a bit. Diana passed the bare minimum requirement of love.

Yet, even though she knew and tried to change, Diana had always felt that she lacked care.

Or, more accurately, she was afraid to care for her patients.

Her first patient, the reason she had took up Cardiology in the first place and decided to become one of the most amazing heart surgeons, the one she cared, loved the most…

She had let her very first patient…

She had let her own blood, her own mother…

Die.

“-ish. Doctor Cavendish!” A young nurse shouted, shaking the blonde out of her stupor, as she sat up immediately. Hazy sapphires struggled to meet the gaze of the other woman standing above her, features formed in worry. “Are you alright, Doctor?” A blackette questioned, hand reached out, just in case.

“Yes… Yes, I’m quite alright.” The heart surgeon replied, moving out of the other room occupant’s reach. “It might just be the stress.” She waved the woman off, before focusing all around the room, eyes eventually landing back on the nurse’s form, spotting a clipboard in her hands. “New patient?”

The girl blinked, before realizing what it meant.

“Oh, Oh Yes! Yes, I was sent to show you your new patient on the waiting list. She still has about… a month or two before she needs operating, and all the others before her have been assigned different doctors so she has been pushed up the list. Miss Benison is already on the road to recovery so it should be fine adding someone to your list. At least, that’s what the chief told me to tell you.”

Diana sighed, holding out a hand to receive the clipboard, flipping it open and skimming over the details of her newest charge. Well, it was fine accepting it if the operation was fairly far off. At least she wouldn’t exactly have hectic schedules unless this person had very frequent attacks, which did not seem to be the case in her records.

Her interview stated that she also took very good care of her body, doing the recommended exercises for people with her condition to strengthen their hearts, as well as have proper diet and remember to take their medicine properly.

The only thing Diana didn’t quite favor was, due to how long they’d be tied together, she’d have a commitment on her hands. She rarely had cases like this as she was always assigned the urgent cases the needed immediate attention, after all she was the best chance at saving them. So having someone so far off from operation day meant that she’d have no excuse to not get to know her patient.

“Thank you. This is fine.” She answered like she was supposed to, not exactly having a choice. It was work. It was being professional.

So what, was getting to know someone really going to be that big a deal for her? Diana scoffed at herself. She could handle it. And it was nice, having an easier charge, semi-lenient days, not counting her on-call and regular duties.

She could handle this much.

She knew she could.

She thought she could.

Until she spotted the disease.

“Wait… this person-“

The nurse nodded. “Well, yes. She has… Danon disease, which is a fairly rare heart problem, though I know you can handle this much, Doctor. Just that…”

The woman trailed off, and Diana could understand why. Even she felt a bit skeptical about this. After all, with this kind of problem, that girl really should have her operation pushed up.

Danon Disease was a disease rare enough in males, yet even rarer in females. It was a disease that was characterized by cardiomyopathy, the weakening of the muscles, specifically those that helped in pumping. It meant that the heart muscles got weaker and the organ would pump softer, lesser, until it did no more.

Diana narrowed her eyes, searching for the patient’s age.

The life expectancy for patients with Danon Disease was very low. Males at nineteen, females at thirty-four. Her newest patient was at the age of twenty-three, just three years shy of her own age, but anything could happen as this was a very randomly moving disease and she could lose her heart beat at any given time.

Heart troubles like this were supposed to be treated as soon as possible, more favorably through transplant.

Danon Disease was triggered by the x chromosome found in females. In females, who have two X chromosomes, a mutation in one of the two copies of the gene in each cell is sufficient to cause the disorder. Males have only one X chromosome, and a mutation in the only copy of the gene in each cell causes the disorder. In most cases, males experience more severe symptoms of the disorder than females. A characteristic of X-linked inheritance is that fathers cannot pass X-linked traits to their sons, and can only be received from mothers.

“Why isn’t she pushed further up the list? Shouldn’t she be one of those who need a transplant the most?” Diana looked to the nurse, now feeling the usual amount of concern she held for the patients. The usual.

“About that…” The nurse was now nervous from how intense Diana’s gaze was, and the blonde seemed to have noticed as she lightened up and repeated the question, albeit, in a nicer way. This made it easier for the woman to respond, though it was very cautious. “She has yet to find a donor.”

“Oh.” Diana closed the record. “I see. Has the search begun, just no matches?” She inquired, considering the reasons.

“Actually… there already is a match. The most compatible match.”

“Is that so? Then what’s the problem?” Diana could not understand why the girl with the sickness still refused her own life.

“The donor is living… and he’s her father… And it just so happens that he is the only match.”

Diana suddenly felt her heart plunge deep into her stomach, feeling unwell again. So that was it. She could understand the girl to some level… and strangely enough, found that she wanted to learn more of her.

“Alright then,” She tucked the folder under her arm as she got up from the bed, stretching best she could. “Let me meet Miss Atsuko Kagari.”

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

“Akko! Stop it! Just stop and sit. Can you do that for even five seconds? That is practically the minimum requirement!” A brunette male struggled to catch a young adult woman who was currently prancing around the room.

“But Andrew~” The girl whined to her best friend and cousin. “They said I’m finally going to meet my doctor! Won’t that be great?” She finally consented to her cousin’s wishes as she plopped down on her hospital bed, Andrew shrieking as the IV had a back flow.

“Akko!”

“Relax. Psh.” The girl waved him off, flushing the red back down into her system, something the nurse had taught her to do. “I’ll be fine. I’m always like this.”

“And you being like this is what brought you in here!”

“And I’m saying, that I’ll be getting out soon! Won’t that be great? I can finally be…” Suddenly Andrew felt the shift in the mood and was gripped with an immediate anxiousness.

“Don’t say it.” He warned, hearing this line so many times, hating it more and more each and every time. Akko needed to learn to like herself more, and despite saying she did, he always found her either staring herself in the mirror, looking at her own chest, hands pressed to it, or playing with the stethoscope, listening to her own heart when the doctor wasn’t looking in every single check-up she’d ever been in.

He even found out that his own father had bought Akko her own personal stethoscope for the purpose of her listening. She always said it was to learn how to get used to her own heart… so she’d know when it was slowing down.

“Andrew…” She spoke quietly, her face donning a sad smile. “I can finally be-“

It was both unnecessary and necessary worry.

And either worry, he did not need for Akko.

“Normal.”

Silence presumed between them, Andrew finding it hard to respond as the atmosphere suddenly dulled. Akko looked outside her window as she knew that the boy was more likely hurt for her, because of those words, more than he was worried.

“…”

Taking in a deep breath, Andrew mustered enough calm to speak his next words, trying not to heighten Akko’s sadness even more by being negative in his reaction.

“You are normal, Akko.” He reassured, taking a seat on the bedside chair, staring at his cousin’s forlorn figure. “You always have been normal.”

Akko sighed, shoulders slumping, before she lay against her pillows, a hand covering her eyes, shielding them from the brightness coming from the open curtains.

“My body sure doesn’t think so.”

“Akko-“ Whatever the rich boy had to say, had been cut off by soft raps on the room door.

“Come in~” Akko immediately tossed away her sad self, bearing a mask of joy, one that only few could decipher, Andrew lucky enough to know, and he clicked his tongue in annoyance.

“Miss Kagari?” Her usual nurse popped out from the door. “The doctor will be here to see you soon.”

“Thanks, Nurse Lotte!” She grinned at the bespectacled woman, who returned the smile, ready to go with her usual duties.

“You’re very welcome, Miss Kagari-“

“A-K-K-O. Call me Akko, Nurse Lotte.” Akko looked at her cheekily after interrupting her, and the nurse could only find it in herself to giggle at the positive attitude of her patient.

“Alright then, Akko, but only if you call me Lotte as well.” She went closer to the bed, checking on the vitals and IV, as she and Akko indulged in idle chatter while doing the usual routine.

“So Lotte… I was wondering.” Akko tried to get her nurse’s attention, as the girl was currently scribbling something on her clipboard.

“Yes Akko?”

“What’s the- my doctor like?” She asked, very curious as to who this great person who would free her from this binding chains called sickness, was.

“Well, in a sense, she is what most people would call a genius…” Lotte seemed to think, or maybe she was preoccupied with her rounds that she didn’t notice Akko’s expectant look.

“And?” She pushed, poking Lotte in the arm who started laughing as the gesture tickled. “Come on, there must be more to it than that!”

“W-well.. AHaha… stop, stop tickling!” Lotte gave her a stern glare, before it softened into a small smile. “You could say she is very, and I mean very, beautiful.”

“Oh? That just makes me more excited to meet her then, now that I know that it’s a woman.” Akko responded, now giddy. Andrew just rolled his eyes playfully. Akko swinging that way was no surprise after all.

“I’m sure you are.” Lotte grinned, now done with her check-up. “All right, she should be here right about-

“Miss Kagari?” Another voice came from the door. “Nurse Hannah here-“ A brunette in a ponytail peeked out.

“Nurse Barbara-“ Another continued, this time with pitch black hair, worn down.

“We’re here to check up on you, as well as assist Doctor Cavendish.” They both said in unison, parting by the door to leave space for those who needed to pass through.

“-Now.” Lotte finished with a smile. “I’ll leave you to it.” She told the girl, gathering her stuff to leave.

“Bye~”

Akko sat up straight, expectantly, now very intrigued on who this doctor could be.

Her jaw nearly dropped as a woman, not much older than her by the looks of it, came in the room, blonde hair pulled into a low ponytail with loose strands of hair framing her face, and Akko decided no one else could have looked as amazing in a scrub suit and lab coat.

“Miss Kagari, I assume? Hello. My name is Doctor Diana Cavendish. I specialize in cardiology and heart surgery, and I am the doctor assigned to you.” The stunning woman introduced herself to a dazed Akko who resumed her blatant staring at the Medical goddess before her, feeling healed already.

“Hey, are you okay?” Nurse Hannah asked, suddenly worried at the lack of response while Barbara went to check on the vitals.

Akko, blinking at the sound of different voices, immediately blurted out all her thoughts.

“Wow you’re really pretty! Like seriously!” She gushed, doing multiple once-overs, scanning the Cavendish from head to toe. “Though, you look… serious. A lot more than I’d expect from a doctor. Seen a lot of deaths, I suppose?”

Andrew almost choked on his saliva, trying not to laugh at that. He had heard of Diana Cavendish, and she was one of the brightest minds in the medical world. She had saved so many lives directly, and through all her many discoveries. Her fail ratio in percentage was very low… so to see his cousin say something like that so someone so medically-inclined, he could only recall fondly all the times she had lowered prideful beings, him and his father being prime examples.

“H-how rude!” Hanna screeched, shocked that someone would assume something so low of the good doctor. “Doctor Cavendish is one of the most prodigious doctors! A true genius, young and talented!” Barbara, though silent, nodded furiously in agreement. “So few people- I could count the number on my fingers, have actually gone under when with her, and that was already during the extreme cases!”

“I can count to a hundred on my fingers. Just do it over and over.” Akko teased, suddenly enjoying this flustered nurse.

Diana felt a tick growing on her head. Such a shameless patient. What was she even thinking? Provoking a nurse like this? What if they got into a little spat? That surely could possibly agitate her condition.”

“That’s not what I mean!”

“Heh…”

“Why-“

“It’s quite alright.” Diana cut the banter off, sending a look that spoke ‘back off and let me handle this.’ That made Hannah do so, and gave Akko a stern, cold stare, one full of warning.

“Doctor.” Akko nodded in greeting. “My name is-“

“I am well aware of that.” Diana told her, professional mode turned on. “I am also aware of your… condition.” Akko’s playful mood was swiftly banished, and she too adapted an air of seriousness. “I assume you do as well.”

The brunette allowed red and blue to clash, trying to decipher Diana as the blonde was doing the same. Cocky playfulness, then a sudden change to eerie graveness. What was this patient, who was this patient?

“I do know.” She said shortly after, refusing to break the connection. “I’ve known for quite some time- scratch that, I’ve known all my life.”

Diana raised a brow, unimpressed. “Well then, Miss Kagari,”

“Please call me Akko-“

“Miss Kagari.” Said girl was now listening better, after being shot down. “If you do know, then… you know how risky you are being, right? Picking fights with your condition-“

“I’m fine.” Akko insisted, and Diana frowned, obviously disagreeing.

“You most certainly aren’t. Now let me continue.” She threw a glare in, just to make sure Akko’s mouth stayed shut. “You know you have a problem. You know the effects. You know you cannot overexcite your own heart. You have cardiomyopathy, a symptom of a much larger disease, Danon Disease.” Diana explained, and Akko nodded, behaving herself for once.

“As you know, there are several surgical treatments to it.” Akko nodded, not wanting to interrupt anymore as she listened to the more favorable ways to get well rather than the one she absolutely needed to avoid. “Implantable Loop Recorder… for recording arrhythmias, ICD placement for slightly heavier circumstances and…” Diana sneaked a glance at the other’s expression as she read the diagnoses off the board. “Transplant.”

Akko stiffened, and Diana noticed the girl looked almost angry with her for the suggestion. “May I have either of the first two?” She nearly pleaded, voice far from the tone the brunette used when they first came in.

“I…” Diana found it hard to respond. Mostly, due to knowing the reason on why the girl was against it. “I’m sorry to tell you that after your results from a lab test came out, it was decided that transplant would be the best way to save you.” Dian informed, wondering why she could not keep her professional front as much as usual.

“Then I decline.” Akko was convicted. She was not going to back down from this decision, even if this pretty lady tried to convince her what many people tried to show her in the past. “I know the stakes. If that’s how it’s gonna be, I refuse to be saved.” She said this stubbornly, and Diana felt her well-controlled emotions on a rise.

“Now Listen here, we are doing our best to help you, but we also need you to help yourself. I know the decision is hard, but-“

“Then if you know it’s hard, don’t even recommend stuff like that.” Akko’s voice was raised, eyes slanted and narrowed as her finger pointed to the door. “I will not let my father give everything away for me. I’d rather die, than see him replace me in a casket for me!”

“Miss Kagari-“ Diana’s reprimand was right on her tongue, ready to talk some sense into the girl. But Akko’s heart was already closed, anger now churning in her system.

“Leave!”

The blonde doctor’s eyes widened, noticing the heart monitor on the side picking up in speed. Either she got out so that the girl would calm herself, or force sedatives, a more negative way that could lead to side effects.

She chose the better way.

“We were just leaving.” She still had some pride intact and she would keep it that way till the end. “I hope our next check-up will be on better terms.”

Akko no longer responded as the trio left her room, before Andrew smacked the back of her head, scolding her for her behavior towards the doctor. She did not seem to care though, and lay down, pulling the blankets over her, not wanting to talk about this any longer.

Andrew, realizing this, gave up, and decided to reflect on why Akko still refused.

It was reasonable, yet he knew both Akko and her father’s decisions were made out of love.

Now the only thing that would decide how Akko’s stay would go down was whether her resolve, or her father’s was stronger.

And that was the most worrying.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Diana felt herself slump against the wall of the ward after she had been left alone by her assistants. Her breathing was labored and she was tired, and scared, not feeling quite like herself. She did not know why such an effect, such worry gripped her, anxiousness filled her, but she knew the trigger. Those words!

“I’d rather die…”

“That is what she said.” Diana pressed a hand to her spinning forehead, willing the nausea to leave her be.

There was a sense of familiarity there… and Diana knew she had been in the same boat before, only on the opposite side.

She was the one who was supposed to give the transplant, and she was the one to whom those words were said for.

“I’d rather die than let my own daughter do it for me.” Her mother’s words rewound in her mind, countless times in the night, and now it was back to haunt her, even in the day because of some stupid girl. “She has more of a future, a life to live than I. She will most certainly not be my donor.”

“I suppose I can understand that fool a bit more now.” Diana murmured before returning to her bed to catch some sleep.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The following visit to Akko’s had served a surprise to Diana as the moment she entered the room, the girl had prostrated herself, though in a seated position on her bed, and uttered an unending string of apologies to the blonde.

It was a totally different experience, but it showed Diana just how positive a patient Akko could be and totally changed her opinion of her.

“I sincerely apologize for my outrageous behavior, Doctor Cavendish!”

After reassuring the girl that it was alright, and Diana sharing similar experiences before, just so that she could convince her patient to feel less guilty, Akko shared her story of her ‘realization of sins’.

Turns out, her cousin had tattled to her father and she got the big scolding she deserved.

The way the girl spoke it in such an animated manner almost made Diana laugh, but she restrained it, the result being her caught up in her own giggles as Akko stared dumbfounded at the sight, putting the sound into memory as if it were a sacred song.

She dared not comment on it, lest Diana stopped doing it. And she had not realized until later when she left the room after the rounds, in a much better mood than before, and actually looking forward to the next visit.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The third visit… as they say, third time’s the charm. It was the charm to allow Akko to talk more about herself and open up the slightest bit, which wasn’t all that hard seeing she was a friendly girl.

Diana started off with something light.

The girl’s hobbies, likes interest, how she managed her life up till now.

And this went on over the entirety of the week.

Diana would do her rounds every day, she would then check on her main patient, they’d do the routine, and all the while, they’d enter into easy chatter, steadily baring themselves more and more, relationship- trust, getting stronger between the patient and doctor.

They’d talk every day, and not once did they run out of topics for each little visit, delving deeper into knowing one another.

Diana began seeing that there was more to Akko than first, excitable, eccentric impressions, and that was that she had her quiet moments. From time to time, she would find the girl staring out the window in complete silence for minutes- hours maybe, Diana did not know, just before she’d enter to start the usual.

In turn, Akko found that Diana wasn’t just stoic and cold and professional, she was trying (though failing), to connect, and that was probably one of the main reasons she found it alright to exchange stories with Diana about themselves. Consider it her act of helping and payback.

Akko was more than willing to share, even returning some questions to Diana such as how she was at school, her favorite food, and even how she came to be a doctor, a great one at that, and on their tenth day, Akko realized the question that made her doctor answer more solemnly, the reason for her hardship in reaching out.

“My mother died and I could do nothing to save her… Even when I already was a doctor.” Diana ran a hand through her hair. “That’s why I don’t like getting too close to patients.” She was already hinting that Akko might have noticed, fully knowing the brunette was far more perceptive than she came off as.

Akko regretted asking that one. She felt so angry at herself not knowing that before. Maybe if shehad, their first meeting might have been smoother. She almost pinched herself. Almost since Diana stopped her hand before it could do harm to her already pink cheeks.

“It’s alright. I have more or less… accepted it already and… it brought me where I am today, I guess.” It was strange, to share such things with a patient, her own story. She never had to with her unspoken rule of being apathetic.

But now… Diana felt that their situations were reversely similar.

She could be empathetic.

“I… because of that, I’ll let you as me any heavy question as well.” Akko offered as compensation, genuinely feeling bad about what she had caused Diana, opening up old wounds, and all that.

“but-“

“Hey, I say I can handle it, you agree. That’s your job.” Akko gave a smile, though not quite reaching her eyes.

Diana returned the helpless grin, sighing. “No it is not…” But then again, there was a question that had been nagging at her. “Alright… Since when did you… know you had this disease and how did you react to it?” Diana thought it would be lighter than the one she answered, but she stood corrected.

Akko pressed her hands together, sweat seeming to pour out of her pores as she breathed, actually hesitant for once, to share.

And the doctor saw the same melancholy she often found in herself.

“I apologize, You don’t need to answer if you find it difficult.” Akko shook her head, heart prepared for the question anyway.

“My mom…” She began, and Diana felt wretched, the words very bitter-sounding in her ears. That particular pair… ‘My’ and ‘mom’. But the surgeon steeled herself and listened on, lending a listening ear and being attentive. “ She had the same disease…” Akko shrugged, but her lips quivered, and Diana decided to be the one to hear these problems and help Akko through it, whatever the tale might be.

“Go on.” Diana went closer, rubbing soothing circles on Akko’s back, now opting to hear everything so she could help. It was an awakening of her consciousness to patients, and she wanted to start with Akko, feeling the need to learn more, grow closer, despite still needing the reason as to why she felt that way.

Empathy, relatable situations. This was her reason to herself, though every day she knew Akko more, it was getting harder to believe that that was just it.

Akko was grateful for the support, taking in a large breath, now prepared to share what she had avoided for years. “When she gave birth to me-“ Maybe it was still hard, however, as she choked, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. “- you know the rest.”

Diana hugged the girl in understanding, knowing what she meant, and feeling very sad for the one in her arms, locked tightly in her embrace, crying silently while grasping at the sleeves of her coat.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

And that was all Diana could think in terms of what to say. She wanted to take the words back immediately though as they only made Akko cry harder, causing her to hold the other closer, tighter.

“I’m sorry.”

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Half-way into their second week, and Diana had already felt that her wall that she had been building up since her mother’s death was slowly, but surely being torn down by one mischievous, yet clever patient.

It was unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome, as Diana found herself enjoying her usually mundane everyday tasks. Even her mood and attitude towards work and her patients, had slowly, but surely improved.

She had gained that ‘empathy’ that she’d so desired.

And now, another day, another talk, and she was looking forward to seeing Akko one more time, eager to learn more, feel more, and ultimately, help the other girl more.

Diana knocked three times swiftly on the door, followed by 2 slower raps of her knuckles, and another set of three. A code that would let Akko know it was the doctor, before she could enter with her own key.

“Heya, Doctor Cavendish!” The girl greeted cheerfully, immediately switching from her somber look just seconds ago, to a cheery, excited one. “Guess it’s time for that again, huh?” She wiggled her brows, smiling in a teasing way.

Diana rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she chuckled at her patient’s antics. “Please refrain from making my visits sound so scandalous, Miss Kagari.”

The brunette groaned, though she was wearing an ear splitting grin as she pretended to melt on the bed. “Please call me ‘Akko’, Doctor Cavendish… or else I can’t call you by your name! I feel so stiff and icky when you call me ‘Miss Kagari.’” The girl spoke in a comical imitation of the physician’s voice, causing her to laugh.

“Well, what’s stopping you? From calling me by my given name, I mean.” Diana awaited the reply, looking at the heart patient fondly. “It’s never stopped you before, from what I have heard from most of the workers who’ve had the… pleasure… of meeting you.” The doctor dared a teasing phrase that elicited a pout from Akko.

“Now, what could you possibly mean by that?” She hummed, eyes narrowing, daring Diana some more.

“I wonder…” The doctor replied, proceeding with the check-up. “Now, tell me, come on.” She urged an answer from the girl as she stared at the heart monitor beside the bed, counting the beats and observing, writing said observations down in her records.

“What? I really have to answer that question?” Akko felt shy, watching Diana as she checked up on all the vitals, as she was embarrassed as to the reason.

“Yes, Miss Kagari. Do share.” Diana grinned, done with the less physical checks and now held a stethoscope up, wearing the buds. “But later, I need to check your heart beat. Let me listen. You know the drill.”

Akko nodded turning around so that Diana could listen to her heart from the back, just as how nurse Lotte did, under her hospital gown.

She was surprised when Diana stopped her and told her to just sit still as she drew closer to Akko, earbuds in place, as she listened from the front.

The front.

And it shouldn’t have been a problem. Diana was not one to do unnecessary things and touch places she shouldn’t. She was very professional about this check-up.

But to Akko, it was just a tiny bit too much.

During their first meeting, when she said Diana was beautiful, she wasn’t lying. She found the other woman extremely captivating, from her tall nose, rosy cheeks, to those gorgeously plump lips, to her long lashes, and to those eyes that could just suck her in.

And her breath and heartbeat may have just picked up a bit, something that did not go past the doctor’s surveillance.

“Relax.” She spoke the one word that made Akko do so, snapping out of that trance. “Breath in deeply, then out.”

Doing as she was told, Akko felt her heart slow down to a normal pace, allowing Diana a better study of Akko’s heart pace.

A sigh of relief came from the patient as the blonde doctor finally stepped back, allowing her some space as she had a slight frown on her face.

“Well, Miss Kagari.” She obviously was not pleased with whatever discovery she had made. “I see your heart beat is not normal. Quite faster than the norm, which is actually one of the symptoms of the disease you have.” She stated, a bit worriedly.

“I see.” Akko now felt concerned over her own self, because she’d never known such things. To her, this was the normal pacing of hearts. The only one she’d ever known, not willing to compare herself to others out of fear and insecurity.

“Do not fret.” Diana sat by her bed, holding Akko’s hand, prompting her to look into azure eyes. “I am here because I can help. So trust me.” Her voice, her gaze, the warmth she emitted, they were all so compelling, that Akko was left speechless and could only nod.

They sat like that a few minutes, they did not know how long, but somehow it felt like eternity and nothing at the same time-

And immediately the lights went off, and no beeping came from the machine as yelps of surprise or clatters from outside could be heard, registering in Diana’s mind that there must have been a change of power due to a strong black-out maybe and the generators were beginning to start things up again.

Diana was not one to be afraid of the dark and such.

To her, no such problems existed.

But now, fear gripped at her heart, because once the monitor by the bedside started up, coupled with sudden labored breathing that was most certainly not hers, she was sure that those moans of pain were coming from Akko… and that she was having palpitations, possibly from the surprise of the sudden happening.

“D…doctor. It-! Hah… hu-hurts!”

Diana’s eyes went wide, her mind immediately scanning everything and tried to get her body to respond accordingly to the situation, first calling up nurse assistance before checking through the bedside drawers for Akko’s prescription medicine for cases like these.

As the responding nurses came in, Diana ordered them around, one handing her a glass of water as she tried to get Akko to drink her medications as best she could.

“Careful now, relax and try to drink, Miss Kagari.” She rubbed soothing circles on the girl’s back, trying to do gestures that could possibly calm the other down, but to no fruition.

The other nurses were now preparing a stronger medicine for Akko, and one that might help her fall asleep, as the only thing Diana could do now, was pray. For her patient, for this girl…

For Akko.

“Drink, Akko. Relax. You’ll be fine, Akko.” She spoke the name over and over again, and it seemed to work as the girl was able to take the pills, and shortly after, fell into a deep sleep, the only thing that said it was really sleep and not… another kind of sleep was the lone beep of the monitor in the cold white room of the hospital.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Diana Cavendish had been so worried. Worried like never before in the history of her work in this institution, and her heart had been beating so painfully against her chest, that it probably tired her out.

The nurses left the pair as soon as the patient’s condition was deemed stable, but she would be under constant monitoring because her first palpitation here in this facility had been fairly strong, and quite easily triggered.

The blonde doctor yawned before groggily opening her eyes, realizing it was already sunset from how the pristinely white room was now dyed with tints of orange and red. Sitting up from her position, head on the bed covers, realizing she had fallen asleep, her head snapped up to check on Akko who she found was staring blankly out the window as she always did before Diana came to do her rounds.

“I think I understand how dying people feel.”

The sudden words of the girl jolted the last bit of Diana’s sleepiness out of her system, as concern flooded her being, now trying to lean closer to the solemn woman on the bed who refused to look at her.

“What do you mean?” Diana knew that Akko knew she was awake, and decided to ask her questions. “Are you in pain again? Do you need anything?” She offered her assistance, to which Akko waved her off, not even sparing her a glance.

They were quiet, but the statement still nagged at Diana.

“Akko, what did you mean? What are you implying when you say you understand how dying people feel? You’re alive Akko, alive and well.”

Akko shook her head, saying she didn’t mean it like that before explaining, and Diana longed for the brunette to look at her while she spoke the next words, or else she wouldn’t be able to fathom what it was that troubled the other.

“You may have not known exactly ‘when’ but you just know…” Akko began, voice softening, but not wavering. “You just ‘feel’ that it may be your last. And that’s it. You end up accepting it all.”

Diana shook her head, feeling like crying for reasons unknown. Not crying for herself, but crying for the emotionless shell that sat before her.

An Atsuko Kagari she did not know.

“I did not die. So I have nothing to accept.” Akko spoke for the last time that day, eyes shifting to Diana’s watery ones, as they were lifeless as she implied.

Diana nearly choked at the last words as she gripped the garments of her patient who might have wanted to give up.

“So I have a question… Would you accept it?”

And just those words told Diana everything she did not want to know.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Diana stayed by Akko’s side as the late afternoon rays turned to darkness, one hand still clutching the robes of the girl for fear she might disappear, while the other flipped through the pages as Diana reviewed Akko’s records she had on hand.

She now began to remember some things. Such as, despite the fact Akko was usually so peppy and energetic, the reason she was here in the first place, and why she had been pushed up the waiting list, was that her palpitations were frequenting her more often, and growing stronger as her heart grew weaker in contrast, taking her closer to the state everyone hoped to avoid.

It did not help that she was aware of it too, and did not want to take the only decision to get better.

Nurse Lotte dropped by soon with Akko’s dinner, as did Andrew to take watch of Akko for the night, as he said their fathers would be visiting the following day, to which Akko simply nodded.

Diana took that as her cue to exit, throwing some words out before leaving.

“Good night.” She began, trying to seek out Akko’s eyes from where she stood by the door. She was not able to see the reaction, and she sighed, relenting for tonight. “See you in the morning.”

“Heavenly morning?” The words stopped her in her tracks, as she turned to look in shock.

Silence took over the room, before sense came back to Diana.

“Just… see you in the morning.”

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

A Long meeting the following day announced that Akko’s heart transplant would be moved sooner, rather than the two month wait, and that in the following two weeks, at latest, Akko would have a brand new heart. Whether or not she would accept.

That point was made very clear by her father, which Diana now identified as Mr. Ken, a kind man, with a big heart, enough to fill in for Akko’s broken one.

It pained her to see that this was the last choice. And she could see why Akko was vehemently refusing. Her father was a wonderful man, and Diana could tell in those few short moments they talked.

Carrying the heavy news to Akko’s room, she was afraid of what to expect as the door opened. She could not show weakness, however, as Mr. Kagari was accompanying her to the room.

“I haven’t seen Akko in a while. I know that if I saw her, she’d talk me out of the donation and… and I’d… I’d just argue with her and worsen her state.” He spoke weakly, very sadly, and Diana felt her heart break.

“I hope we come to the best decision, then.” She patted the older man’s back in reassurance as she did her special knock before entering the room.

What greeted her was a cheery Akko, much like how it had been the first time they had a negative confrontation, before the smile disappeared at the sight of the girl’s father.

“No!” She immediately yelled, throwing her pillow at the man.

“Akko!” Andrew, who was still in the room, held her hands before she could toss whatever items, including her meds. “Stop! Just, stop!”

Out of breath and angry, it dawned on her to relax, unless she wanted to convince her father some more on donating his life to her.

“I will not accept.” She crossed her arms, huffing in indignation. “You’re free to visit me, dad. But I won’t be needing any transplant, you understand? No one is dying and I’m going to go home with you just fine, both hearts intact!” And her words allowed no more argument, as Mr. Kagari sighed, rubbing his temples.

“That’s not poss-“

Before they could get into another spat, Diana remembered something about the surgical operations. This one wouldn’t be as effective as a new heart, but it would grant Akko’s wish. She didn’t know why she would even suggest such a thing, as it was always engraved into her being to do what was best for the patients regardless of how cruel it may be. But right now, this seemed to be the best for Akko’s circumstances.

“ICD placement.” She cut in, looking to Akko and her father. “What if Akko had ICD placement instead?”

“But that’s-“

“I know it wouldn’t be as effective, or long lasting as a transplant. But it still works, does it not? And it would answer to both your wishes.” Diana tried to suggest, and Akko’s father fumed in anger, against the blonde doctor’s expectations, no relief for middle ground anywhere.

“Are you saying I should just settle for some secondary choice, one that isn’t as good as the one now?” He raise his voice against the doctor. “I am the only donor compatible with my daughter, you know that! What if my heart deteriorates soon as she needs the transplant in the future. What will you do then? Right now, this is the only time for this. I’ve taken care of my heart, and I am ready to give it to her, so don’t help her in convincing me OTHERWISE!!”

“Dad.”

The man froze at his daughter’s tone, realizing what he had done to the woman who was going to help his daughter out. Who was trying to help them both out.

“I’m sorry.” He covered his eyes, beginning to cry. “I need some air.” The door shut behind him with a click, and Andrew decided to follow after him, leaving the doctor and patient alone.

It was awkward.

Diana was left alone with the daughter of the man who just yelled in her face at her horrible suggestion, and the one who had just defended her against the said father.

“I am so-“

“Thanks.” The words shocked Diana. She had angered the girl’s father and caused a rift between them. For what was she expressing gratitude for?

“Whatever are you referring to, I-“

“Diana…” Akko gave her a gentle smile, and Diana felt her heart speed up. She wondered if she was beginning to have heart problems as well. “Thank you for trying for me. For trying to find a solution that would make me happy. That could save both me and my father.” She reached out a hand, beckoning Diana to come closer and to take it. “Thank you.”

Diana walks to the girl, grasps her hand and sits down. “You’re very much welcome. Always.” She said, knowing Akko would take no other answer, and that there was more to it than that.

She still had something to say.

“What is it?” Diana prodded, playing with their joined hands as Akko blinked, caught off guard before she laughed that tinkling laughter that could only belong to her.

Diana admitted this was one of her most favorite sounds in the world.

“You could tell I wanted to say something?” Akko grinned, eyes turning to slits as she drew closer, bumping her forehead against Diana’s.

“Of course, I am your doctor after all.” Diana said quite proudly at guessing correctly. Now she waited.

“Then you should be able to guess, Doctor~” –and now groaned at Akko’s misleading.

“Just tell it to me straight, Miss Kagari.” She spoke in a faux- stern voice, almost pulling away as Akko went even closer, lips almost touching, but not quite, only brushing their noses together, causing Diana’s breath to get caught in her throat.

“Do you really want to know?” She whispered, staring at Diana’s lips, causing her to swallow that lump in her throat.

“Yes, Akko.” She replied, voice not betraying her nerves.

“Really, Reaaallyy?” Diana gave her an eye roll as those nerves disappeared almost immediately at the endearing annoying nature of her charge.

“Yes.” The doctor was now exasperated, nervousness gone, and impatient to hear what answer Akko had in store for her.

The brunette hummed, eyelids falling shut as she rubbed their foreheads together before giggling softly.

“Then… I love you.”

There was a pause hanging in the air as Diana froze, not being able to pull back, shocked, to say the least... and then there was silence…. Reigning in the room…

Akko found it far too uncomfortable and was the one to release the close proximity, sighing in disappointment, and something much heavier than that. She tried to snap the other out of it, very sorry to have destroyed a potentially unbreakable bond because of her own selfishness.

“Diana? I’m sorry, was it wrong of me to sa-“

“You can’t love me.”

Her words cut off, and now Akko blinked, confused.

“What…Why?” She was skeptical, having expected a yes or no firmly, but now, the answer was not ‘No’, but more of, ‘Don’t’.

“Because I don’t care.” The blonde finally replied, and in her heart, she knew it was a Lie. In truth, she was afraid because now, now that a girl named Atsuko Kagari came into her life, she regained something. Care… and now she was afraid that she cared too much. But there was a fact they both had to consider. One Diana realized, and one Akko was about to know.

“I feel you do. You always do.” Akko argued against the opinion the doctor had of herself, willing it to be a lie, if it weren’t already. “With every touch and motion, and work you do for me, you show me how much you care.”

It was true and Diana knew. Akko knew. They both knew.

However…

“But then, you still can’t.”

Akko scratched her head at the stubbornness, really not understanding the reason, now deciding to give up, and tell her reason for the spontaneous confession.

“I just wanted to tell you, you know. It’s not like I expect something back.” She crossed her arms, telling Diana about how it was a love along the way, and even if it only took a short while, she knew it was what it was. And now, her reason-“I just didn’t want to have regrets when I left.”

When she left.

Diana was afraid because Akko was implying that she would leave.

“That’s exactly why.” Her voice murmured, trying to hold onto Akko’s arms and searching for her hands to hold.

“What are you talking about?” Akko was about to receive an answer, and she was going to receive it.

“You can’t tell me you love me and leave me behind.” Diana looked into her eyes, silently admitting to herself that there was a possibility to her returning these feelings.

“Diana…”

“I think… it is totally possible, with how you’ve made me feel lately, for me to develop the same emotion for you… but!” She gazed at Akko intensely, into her very soul. “I don’t want to love you back if you’re already dead. So you can’t tell me that if you’re not going to live for me.” And it weakened back down to a sorry state.

And now, Akko understood.

And after understanding, she laughed. A lot.

“Diana… I’m sorry.”

“Wha-“ The sudden turn of events was throwing Diana off, and now, the contagious laughter was beginning to pull out giggles from her.

“You’re absolutely right. I can’t do that to you, huh?” Akko said, leaning against her bed frame with a wide smile, eyes filled with mirth.

“Akko-“

“Guess I’ll just have to live another day.” She grinned, now having a new mission, a new reason to live.

Diana sighed, discarding all other thoughts.

“Yes, you do.”

The moment was interrupted by the opening of the door, as Akko’s father enters into the room, eyes red, but looking much calmer, kinder, and happier.

“I’m sorry Akko.” He began, drawing closer to the girl and enveloping his daughter in a massive hug, kissing her hair as he mutters more apologies. He told the pair that he finally accepts the decision of having Akko undergo the ICD placement instead after much convincing on Andrew’s part, which Akko would be eternally grateful for.

He also apologized profusely to Diana who now humbly told him it was alright, and that there were far more intense cases than him.

Akko couldn’t be happier.

Having a confession somewhat (?) accepted, her father agreeing to a method that would allow them both to survive, and promised days of more happiness, with Diana hopefully be her side if she played those cards right.

She was looking forward to another day.

Diana was happy- no overjoyed. This time around, she wouldn’t be losing a patient dear to her. She had the skills and experience now to make it work, and now she went off to make the arrangements, a skip in her step, ready to face this battle prepared.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

The following days flew by in a flash, and Diana and Akko found themselves growing ever closer, and it was enough to instill negative thoughts in Diana of ‘what ifs’ that included Akko and… eternal slumber.

But the brunette had always worked her hardest to throw such thoughts to the curb, and reassured Diana, promised her that she’d fight, that she’d work hard, that she’d stay and be there.

And more courting from Akko’s side came, and despite being a weak and fragile patient, as she put it (to which the good Doctor would often scoff, Diana found herself giving in bit by bit.

And such was the case in their latest conversation, as some of Akko’s friends had sent her papers and cards and she had begun folding random works of art, including a colorful array of paper roses which she handed to Diana during the next check-up.

The girl sputtered embarrassed nonsense, but accepted them in the end, softly hitting Akko’s arm after a rather teasing comment.

“So, So? What if I make it through? For you, especially?” The girl batted her lashes at Diana, trying to pull off a cute look, which was certainly effective in Diana’s books.

She blushed, humming in fake contemplation, already having an answer.

“If you survive this, I might just agree to going out with you.”

She smiled, and Akko smiled back.

“Then I really only have one choice, don’t I?”

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

Everything for the operation had been settled.

Diana was ecstatic after the meeting, practically skipping to Akko’s room to share the good news. And maybe, just maybe, with a bit more convincing, it could be done even earlier. For everyone’s sake.

“Good morning~” She practically sings as she opens the door, almost screeching at the sight of an empty bed, before an out-of-bed Akko pops out from around the corner with a white rose in hand.

“Good morning to you too, sunshine.” She smiled, managing to land a kiss on porcelain cheeks. Diana felt steam rise out of her head, and Akko merely laughed at her state. “And what has gotten you in such a pleasant mood this morning, Doctor Cavendish? Besides me, of course.”

Diana pinches the cheeky little cheek, before caressing it softly, Akko leaning into the touch as the blonde explains everything to her and Akko grows ever enthusiastic towards this operation, fearless, entrusting her life into Diana’s hands completely, fully certain she’d come out alright.

And what’s more-

Diana agrees that after the operation, Akko can confess again then she would accept.

The brunette was so happy she nearly lifted her doctor off the floor if only she wasn’t stopped by said doctor.

“Then I’m so happy I could kiss you?” It was a request for permission, which Diana declined fruitlessly as Akko wasn’t going to take no for an answer, acting upon her feelings… within respectable boundaries as she only planted it on Diana’s forehead and cheeks, but it was enough to render her tomato red.

“I love you.”

“Mm.”

~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~0~

After more weeks, two to be exact, of fighting together against Akko’s illness, the date of the operation had already come down to tomorrow.

That night, after a pre-operation celebration, Diana had ended up too tired and slept in Akko’s room, right by her side.

It had been a hectic juggle between her normal duties, then the special assignment to Akko, and the little party, but she somehow managed to live through it all despite her exhaustion, and was rewarded with a good night’s rest as she fell asleep to the feeling of fingers combing through her hair and a lullaby drifting through her mind.

Diana woke up to soft breathing and hand clasping hers, filling her with a warmth in her heart despite that slightly cold touch of their skin. Diana blamed it on the air conditioning.

She barely took note that Akko’s heart felt just a tiny bit slower, softer. Waving it off as the girl’s normal pace while sleeping. Something she never should have even considered, knowing the condition.

But, she couldn’t think that right now.

However, throughout the day, it remained the same, and the doctor would not quite shake off that inkling that something was at odds.

Throughout the day, she subconsciously remained very wary of heart beat, feeling off about something, growing more anxious, despite Akko’s cheery smiles and flirting.

It pained her to do it, but Diana could only manage to plaster on a fake smile, if only to keep Akko happy.

She fell asleep under premonition of negativity that she was beginning to loathe.

The next day, Diana awoke in the same position as yesterday, by Akko’s bed, as the brunette continued to snore away her worries, a light smile on her face as she held hands with Diana.

The doctor felt an endearing smile tug at her lips as she brushed a few stray strands of hair out of her face, then risking a kiss on her forehead, praying she’d stay asleep as Diana snuck off with an idea in her head that could well be a positive start to this day.

It may have been a simple gesture, just going out to the cafeteria to pick up the brunette’s breakfast, but Diana knew small things like this, meant big things for Akko.

As she began nearing the room, happy to have been able to obtain the patient’s favorite meal after weeks of observation, she pauses in her tracks as she hears the one long beep of heart monitor, that has her clutching at her heart, drops the tray of food she was carrying and rushes in the room, dread in her bones as nurses in a frenzy, are all trying to help the now gasping patient, writhing in pain, and shaking..

Diana snapper out of her trance, assisting best she could, so scared, but knew that she had to focus, if she wanted to save the now dangerously fragile Akko.

The sound of the monotonous heart machine kills her so, but the desperate breathing from the source of the beat tells her there is that tiniest bit of hope for revival, but even those bits were trampled, crushed into smithereens as the breathing was dying down.

“She needs CPR!”

In one swift motion, Diana was on it, but she could not resist breaking down and begins crying while giving CPR to her unconscious patient.

She needed to talk some sense into the girl. She wanted to reach her.

“Damn you,” She began, cursing the girl as the nurses stared in shock. “You promised!” She pushed, before giving a breath. “Akko!”

“Doctor Cavendish?!” The usual calm and collected woman’s image flew out the window, as a broken and desperate professional now tried to save a life before them.

“You promised so please…” She begged, voice cracking, inhaling deeply before calling out. “ FIGHT!” She continued her work. “I believe in your believing heart. Now Fight!”

Nothing.

There was nothing.

And after Diana had tried so much, cried so much-

… nothing.

“Ah…kko.”

And there was just…

Nothing.

[To be Continued…]

A/N: Sooooo… if I get 150? Or maybe 120… Second chap will be out. Sorry if this is cruel… but hey, 10 more and it’s 120… ok nevermind. I’ll post part two when I find time.

NOW LET ME SLEEP.

I love you.

~Shintori Khazumi

#lwa #little witch academia #diana cavendish #akko kagari #hospital au #heart trouble #dianakko #fanfic

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an-exotic-writer · 7 years

Text

jungkook; i could’ve tried (to fix us)

❝roadtrip!au where we need to save gas money so we take a long, awkward, tension-filled car ride ►1914 words // scenario, pbd drabbles ♡ this was part of the drabble series ‘post-break-up drabbles’ but i found that i wrote a bit longer than what a drabble was for me so, a scenario instead!

If there had been other people besides your parents and Jungkook’s who completely adored the two of you together, it would be the friends that you share with him. Being with them half of the time you were in a relationship, they knew the both of you inside out including the traits when you were together. It would’ve been lovely if you two were still together but in this case... it’s about to get nasty and you can foresee it when you agree to go on a road trip with them.

Being college kids with the common goal to save money with maximum fun meant being squeezed into a van that fit eight people. That wasn’t what bugged you, honestly. You’ve been into a situation where seven people had to fit into a four seater car (each bump was horrible). So this was nothing. Until you found out who you’d be seated next to in the back.

Your sitting buddy was none other than Jeon Jungkook.

At first it made your blood boil but when you found out, which was the day itself that you got shoved into the back with no room to get out unless you want to find a way to bump the trunk or shove Jimin, Taehyung and Yoongi with full force to get out through their doors. It was hopeless and you’re stuck with tension running high in such a small confined space.

You pull your lip over your head and refuse to say a word that Jungkook does to you; which have been nothing but tiny pricks aiming to get you to burst. The breakup wasn’t... the best that it could’ve been but you were honest. And you’d like to believe you gave your all into a relationship that didn’t work out and it happens. With the way Jungkook was acting pissed you off, as if you weren’t once in love with him, spitting anything that could ease the pain he felt.

Taking things to your own hands, you put in earphones to plug out his voice and he scoffs, glaring at you, “Really? You’re gonna just ignore me like that? Go ahead then. Play that music as loud as you can until you go deaf,”

Remaining silent, Jungkook snaps his eyes away with a grumble: unbelievable.

Luck must’ve hated you and when everyone else decides to leave the van and keep it vacant so you’d be alone with... fuck. Your eyes barely register the sight until you notice your only company with you. The ding in your ears makes you open a message from Jimin?

‘y/n, don’t panic or anything. we stopped by for a quick break and also... for you and jungkook to work things out.’

There’s a sound of disapproval from you as you roll your eyes towards your side of the window where you link eyes with the same brown haired fellow texting you.

‘jimin, stop this. get back in the car.’

‘y/n please. the both of you still love each other and you know it. why are you doing this to yourselves?’

‘you know what? fine.’

You put your phone aside and look at Jimin through the window. Tugging your hoodie over your head, you smile at him before letting it drop the same time you lay your head back on the headrest as a sign you’re going back to sleep, no time for his bullshit.

Your eyes flutter shut from the slight darkness guiding you back to sleep until you hear murmurings coming from.... Opening your vision to stare at the color of your hoodie, it seems like you’ve forgotten to put on a song from an auto switch off function embedded to your music player. You debate on showing him you’re not asleep, until his words you process past your earbuds hit you to your core.

“You know, I’d apologize the way I should’ve if I didn’t... get angry at you every time I see you,”

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“I mean... you already look so happy without me and while I want to be happy for you if you were... I can’t,” An exhale. “Don’t get cocky, okay? Your jokes and puns sucked but... they were yours...”

“And the fact that you seem to have move on without me makes me feel like I should’ve done better at being a boyfriend than some dumb fuck who couldn’t seem to understand why you acted the way you did,” There’s a pause, before a deep breath. “You weren’t that great either, okay? You’d never open up to me for shit so whose fault is - ah, fuck...”

A sniff.

“I was doing so well...”

Fuck it.

“Not really,” You hear your own muffled voice as you pull our your earphones, pushing your hoodie back to reveal the worry in Jungkook’s eyes as he widens them. Hesitant, he looks away and clears his throat, wiping the emotion stinging his sight.

“What the hell?”

You show no sympathy... not now, at least.

“Hey, if you wanted a one man show and a sob story, all you had to do was just ask, I could go back to sleep-”

“You heard everything,”

“...well, technically, yeah,”

He stares at you staring at him.

“And?”

“...what?”

“What?” He mimics, only because he can’t formulate any proper sentences until the anger pushes him through.

“After all I’ve said, you have nothing to say to me?”

Your silence, drives his voice.

“I poured out my fucking heart out to you and you’re just gonna pretend like I didn’t say shit? How could you just-”

“I have things I want to say too, okay?!”

“Then why don’t you say them?!”

“I don’t know how!”

Jungkook falls quiet after that, as to you but when the sounds of his breathing cracks the train of thought travelling in your mind, you’re saying whatever and anything that seems to fall back into your throat whenever you thought kissing him would’ve been better than to tell him what’s wrong.

“I didn’t know how to tell someone I really loved that there are just some things I don’t quite love that they do in fear that they’d stop loving me if I said anything. So I thought-”

"Not saying anything at all was better?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you-”

“Did you even try?”

“I did!” It was a loud exclaim, until it grows soft, “...once. Then I got scared thinking I hurt your feelings so I didn’t anymore after that,”

He seems to see things from your perspective and his tensed shoulders comes down to match with the level of your eyes that stares at your feet. All this while when he thought you shutting him out was an act to show him you didn’t love him anymore, it had been the opposite. The cause being you loved him too much to hurt his feelings so you kept it to yourself to deal with it yourself instead. He can’t appreciate this entirely, though. Even if he wants to, it’s not realistically possible.

“...you know, as sensitive I am-”

“Which is very,”

“I know,” He cuts you off, to continue his initial sentence, “As sensitive as I am, you trying to tell me the things you didn’t like me doing would’ve helped our relationship. I won’t a hundred percent say I won’t do it again without a valid reason but we could’ve talked things out. And I... could’ve understood why you did the things you did,”

Jungkook takes the leap of faith to grab onto your hand laying between the both of you. He sees how you respond to his touch, allowing him to slip his fingers, lacing your own as if they never forgot what it feels like to hold someone you still love. Jungkook smiles at this, more so when you do and the little light of hope are in your eyes when Jungkook squeezes your hand to direct your eyes to him instead of your interlocked hands.

“I’d like to try again if you would,”

Your mouth opens and closes, the phrase with the message you’d want to get across already there but you don’t know if you should say it or not. Your hand grips onto his tightly and Jungkook squeezes back, urging you to - “Use your words, Y/N-”

“...it’s not going to be easy,”

“I think I can tell,” He lifts up your hands in a pair to see the red marks of you holding onto just a bit too tight. Loosening immediately, an apology follows, “Sorry,”

“It didn’t hurt,”

A brow raise.

“...okay, just a little,”

A moment to think comes around and mingles with the sounds of your breathing mixed with Jungkook’s to a less vexing atmosphere compared to when the road trip first took off. Jungkook strokes the back of your hand with his thumb, a habit he’s fond of doing and it makes your heart swell at the want for this to be a regular thing again. Swallowing the insecurities and straightening your courage, your voice is soft but Jungkook catches all the words.

“I want to try again,”

Jeon Jungkook, the number one ass says: “Sorry, what did you say?”

“You shit fuck-”What comes out as a reflex gets mustered over with a deep exhale and a louder statement. With more confidence this time.

“I said... I want to try again,” Your eyes trails up to Jungkook’s and he already has them on you. “I’ll learn to talk to you about... feelings and stuff,”

Jungkook smiles.

“And that would result to future arguments on how you shouldn’t eat all my cereal without letting me know,”

Now he laughs.

“I think cereal is the least of your worries here,”

"I was legitimately upset that you ate all my fucking Lucky Charms, you brat,“

“Okay, okay,” He scoots closer and tugs you by the hand, granting him the access to lean in with him invading all the space your eyes could possibly take in. You find that you wouldn’t have it any other way, anyway.

“We’ll learn how to communicate, tolerate and understand one another. Okay?”

You can’t trust your voice at this point, resulting in a nod.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Jungkook murmurs, lowering his lips down to yours and you gladly allow it. He kisses you like the apologies he cried himself to sleep ever since the both of you break up and he tastes like the change he promises when you feel it on your lips. He chuckles when your teeth clashes from smiling too hard. The crinkles around his eyes reminds you that you didn’t need the crescents when they were with Jungkook all along and the warmth you had replaced the Suns Jungkook watched rise while missing you during his time alone.

Now with an arm around your waist, forehead pressed to one another with a newfound path down a relationship with one another, Jungkook gently grasps onto your hand.

“Again,” You whisper to his lips, and he smirks, “Do what again?”

“...you really gonna make me say it?”

“Hm... I thought we agreed on-”

“Just kiss me again, will you?”

“All you had to do was ask.”

((”okay, back the fuck away from each other, kids.”

“we wanted you to get back together but not pounce each other in the backseat, jesus,”

“you can barely sit properly and you want to sin?”

“don’t fucking fuck in my van i’m warning you.”))

#bts scenarios #jungkook #jungkook scenarios #jeon jungkook #bts #this got too long but i had fun with it hehe #pbd #s: pbd

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slapegg · 7 years

Text

Quick Critique: Battle Chasers: Nightwar

Before I even get to the meat of this: DO NOT BUY THIS GAME, IT IS VERY BROKEN. Again, even if you loved the comic and love turn-based RPGS: DO NOT GIVE THIS COMPANY MONEY, THEY RELEASED A BROKEN GAME.

Joe Mad is one of my favorite artists and I read the Battle Chasers comic pretty much just to see him draw pretty things. I only just read it a year or two ago, so I thankfully avoided the whole incident of him bailing on the series and leaving it unfinished after a main plot twist. The actual story (and most of the writing) is kind of just Dungeons and Dragons meets generic anime stuff, but it had enough moments and unique ideas here and there to make the comic series worth it, even this many years after its initial release. So Battle Chasers the comic is pretty good. Battle Chasers the video game, however, is a steaming pile of garbage.

This game is so unfinished and slapped together that I'm just going to list out a stream of the constant issues it has: It crashes. A LOT. It's not just one thing going wrong, it crashes all over the place and multiple times at different spots (inventory screen, leaving a dungeon, changing screens, and so on) I actually had a crash during the ending credits It locks up every time I try to enter the Arena forcing me to force close the game I finally managed to enter the Arena (apparently some of the difficulties work and others don't), it's a series of battles with a 20 minute time limit, I'm doing the hardest difficulty to get the final prizes, get through multiple rounds where I'm one turn away from the entire party dying or I lucked out and a character dodged an instant kill move, I'm at the last boss with 2 minutes left on the clock, deliver the killing blow with 23 seconds left on the clock, I get the Playstation level trophy for completing the Arena, the game showers me with prizes, I leave the Arena, I open the menu, the game crashes and upon relaunching sets me back at the beginning of the Arena having made no progress at all and with none of the prizes. I think I just instantly skipped over anger, sunk back in my chair, and whispered "mother fuckers" to myself for a few minutes After a battle, I lost the ability to interact with any objects. Seeing as how the dungeon required me to flip a switch to advance, I had to quit the game. This happened multiple times Frequent hitches and freezing for a second on the map, exploring, and in battle Menus aren't responsive for a few seconds after opening them I had a story scene fail to load and the game just displayed a screen full of that "missing image" pink I had a different story scene fail to load but I still got the subtitles. This one was a major story sequence so it wasn't repeatable the next time I played the dungeon so I would have liked to have seen that The voice acting is Sega Saturn levels of bad. They're horrible choices for the characters but then poorly acted on top of that. And they apply random odd filters over the readings. There's a scene in the open air in a town where your characters talk to each other but Gully sounds like her lines were recorded in a particularly echo-y bathroom. The only character I cared for was The Collector, a sinister but gleeful little monster that is likely eating the remains of dead bosses that you bring it. The Collector deserves to be in a better game than this one The text size is WAY too small The walking speed is slow. If you doubled the walking speed, it would still be too slow Battles are slow both in animation and action speed and how many hits it takes to kill a grunt enemy The core combat system is tedious and relies far too much on crits and applying status effects. Most end game fights devolve into who can apply the most debuffs to the other team and then spamming special moves that gain extra traits if the enemy has specific debuffs The music is so laid back that it (rightfully) just seems uninterested in being a part of this game, even during battles. The soundtrack is so forgettable and uninteresting that I usually turned the game audio almost off and listened to the BBC while I played. The Shipping Report pretty much matches the pace and excitement of this game Totally unnecessary crafting mechanics By the time you get enough crafting materials to build a weapon, it's worse than what you get from dungeon crawling You can't sort your crafting materials alphabetically, so when you're looking up how many of a quest item you need, have fun sorting through that mess Totally unnecessary fishing mini-game Every time you enter battle, the UI flashes a move description. I think it's loading the last thing you used in the previous battle Occasional multiple second pauses at the start of a battle before the UI will display or you can interact with it in any way Clunky menu UI Loot-based drops that do nothing to make the game more interesting Loot that isn't even interesting or exciting because most of the equipment is very similar and the vast majority of what you find is just crafting materials you won't use Major side-quests and items that are gated by random loot drops. You have to hope the characters show up on the map and then hope they drop the item you need (usually multiple times) or else start a dungeon from scratch and do it all over again Semi-randomized dungeons where the actual rooms barely change but their order does, so combined with the need to grind, the dungeons get really boring and just have you looking for the exits rather than rewarding you for exploring. Later dungeons even repeat pieces of earlier dungeons Items in shops are stupidly expensive for how little they change your stats and for the piddly amount enemies actually pay out or what items sell for. While spending a night at the inn cost me 40 coins, selling a purple rank weapon only got me 17 coins. It's actually faster to play through the whole first dungeon and get the health and mana refill before the boss than it is to grind out the money to stay a night at the inn for a large chunk of the game Just about every item you find in the wild will raise one stat but then lower multiple other ones so you kind of just have to pick one stat for a character to use and min/max the hell out of it Items in your inventory will mark themselves as new even though you've seen them before Items in the world will still sparkle as if they're unchecked even though you already have them If you have to close and restart a dungeon (say because the game crashed or locked up), it will acknowledge that you've been through the rooms but respawn the enemies past a seemingly random point. I had one dungeon where the objective was to kill two mini-bosses, I did so, saved the game in case it crashed at the boss, and upon reloading it, the mini-bosses respawned even though I had the objective that said they were dead checked off Every time the game crashes, it resets your super meter. So you can go through a dungeon, build up your meter, save it for the boss fight, the game crashes, you reload at the boss, and now you have no meter and you're at a serious disadvantage Perks and equipment will unequip themselves (this may be related to all the crashes) I met an enemy without warning that was vastly stronger than anything I'd seen in the game before, I could only do 80 damage to it per turn, and every turn it could heal itself for 84 health. And for some reason I wasn't allowed to run away from the fight so I had to sit there for 10 minutes turn by turn hitting the enemy, watching it heal, and letting it whittle down my party's health. Dying then made me lose a chunk of my money Apparently those are special enemies that offer a special reward if beaten, but it wasn't until I was at the final dungeon that I ever saw them again. I don't know if the game was broken and would no longer spawn them or what Another dungeon had a bunch of enemies that I tore through with no problem, and then I got to the boss and it killed each member of my party in 1 hit. Dying, again, made me lose a chunk of my money. So the lesson is to never sell anything until you can fully afford the thing you're trying to buy because you never know when the game is going to throw balancing out the window and punish YOU for it I don't think you can manually save without quitting the game. But quitting the game dumps everything it loaded into memory or something because when you load the game back up, it can take 40 seconds to load into your first battle. Given all the crashes, you have to save and quit often, so get used to watching the first 15 seconds or so of the opening cutscene because you can't skip to the title screen until that plays out The trophies aren't properly proofread and sometimes won't award when you earn them and instead pop the next time you load the game If a character dies from a status effect at the start of their turn, the UI is not graceful I would love to hear some kind of justification on the game's balancing because the way it's set up is that you beat a dungeon, unlock the next story dungeon, but you're not actually strong enough to progress the story yet, so you have to go back and grind the dungeon a you've already finished to level up a bit. You pretty much have to beat each level on each difficulty before you can move ahead, so by the time you're ready to move the story along, you're really, really sick of the previous dungeon Characters not in your party don't gain any experience from battle, so the game actively discourages you from trying new characters. I was level 10 when I unlocked Knolan, but he was only level 9 and the more I use my normal team, the further Knolan falls behind, so I have no reason to ever add him to my party. Changing team members just means you have to redo all the grinding you've done to level them up and hope you get some loot drops for them. Maybe it's just how I play the game, but there's really only one viable team. You HAVE to have Calibretto on your team because he's the only decent healer. Garrison is the only one that can do any decent damage. Gully is slow and focuses on defense, while Monika has high evasion, good damage, and can bog enemies down with stat debuffs so Monika is way more useful Doing end game clean up, I used my weaker teammates because my main team stopped earning experience from the early dungeons, I met those special pirate enemies with this team, was happy to have a chance to fight them, but the pirates scale to your strongest team not the team you're actually using so my level 9, 12, and 17 characters got destroooyed by the level 30 enemies The team couldn't even do New Game + properly. Starting NG+ causes you to lose all your items, so all that time you spent on random drops to get the ultimate weapons and armor was totally wasted. It's completely unnecessary to do this because all the weapons are level gated. So if you reset the character levels, you stop them from having access to the top gear from the start, but once they level up, they get their hard earned weapons back. That would have been the competent way to handle NG+ here New Game + starts you off with the whole team, but it doesn't properly handle that you've unlocked characters before their normal unlocking event, so the shops won't sell you their perk bonus or costume items. Even if you come back at the end of the game when you'd normally have those characters, the game still treats them like they haven't been unlocked yet

Even with its many, MANY glaring flaws, they have the audacity to not actually finish the game's story. You slog through all of this, beat the final boss, and the ending is barely more than "hey, buy some DLC or a sequel".

So, yeah, don't spend money on this game. The perk system is kind of neat though. You get points when you level up and you can cash them in on an attack path or a defense path. As you buy perks on each path, every 20 points you spend unlocks a bonus perk that can offer some substantial stat boosts. You can respec for free, so you can mess around with different choices as you slooowly grind out levels or boss fight currency to get more points.

Battle Chasers is bad but not in the way that most low budget games are bad. The art's great so the game looks fantastic and draws you in. It's the quality design sensibilities and usability in the game that are godawful, the gameplay is as dry as it comes, and it's an unfinished mess. Everything about this screams that the team got a slew of crowdfunding money but then nobody on the team actually knew how to make a good video game so this got rushed out the door without proper testing or fixes to hit a deadline. Battle Chasers makes me question whether Playstation cert matters. If this game, with its constant crashes and 100% reproducible lock-ups, can be released for sale, then clearly nobody is checking the actual game or doing anything remotely resembling quality control.

#Battle Chasers #nightwar #battle chasers: nightwar #airship syndicate

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galaxy-koi · 5 years

Note

1-100 do it I dare you

HERE WE GO. Long post ahead!

and I mean long post

1. If your character wasn’t an adventurer, what livelihood would theylead?

It’shard to imagine Cynthia as anything but an adventurer, if I had to be honest. Ifthere wasn’t a Living Plague to deal with, she may have simply joined her dwarfuncle in arena fights. Alternatively, maybe she would have joined Jinri intravelling to places that needed healers, aiding the sick in poorer villages.

2. Who in the party would your character trust the most with theirlife?

Shetrusts Sune with her life and soul, but of the Player Characters? Paddy is youranswer.

3. What is your character’s core moral beliefs?

- TheLiving Plague is a bitch- Roland is also a bitch- Follow Sune, even if it means a horrible death.

- Lawscan be wrong, but Sune is never wrong.

- Protectyour crew to your dying breath. Never back out of a fight if it brings yourcrew into danger.From a previous ask: “Yes! She’s a paladin, so she does have to strictly follow amoral code. She takes it really seriously too because she loves her goddess.However, despite this, her alignment is more Neutral/Chaotic good because shewill take whatever means are necessary to accomplish her goal. She follows anoath, sure, but she won’t hesitate to break city laws and illegally purchase anairship.She will do everything she can to protect those she loves, and she shows loveto those she does not know.”

4. What relationship does your character have with their parents andsiblings?

Herrelationship with her biological family is mixed at best, as she knows theyabandoned her, possibly leaving her to die. However, she had a beneficialfamilial relationship with Mordecai (before he died), and her relationship withJinri and Daergron has certainly been great.

5. Does your character have any biases for or against certain races?

Shedoes her best to not display any traits of racism, as Sune teaches herfollowers to love everyone equally. (However, she does seem to have an aesthetictaste for gnolls.)

6. What is your character’s opinion on nobility? On authority?

Cynthiadoesn’t mind nobles as long as they put their money towards a good cause.However, she is uneasy around authority, especially after what happened inEkrund. She does her best to coexist with authority, but she has done illegalthings to get what she wants.

7. Describe your character’s current appearance: clothes, armor,scars they’ve picked up along the journey, etc.

((I realizedtoo late that this says “current appearance” whoops))

- Face-Amber, wavy hair falls to a bit above her shoulders, ending in a dramatic curl.Her bronze skin is covered in brown freckles around her cheeks and the bridgeof her nose. The facial structure is only slightly feminine in nature, with apronounced chin, normal cheeks, and rounded jawline. Her eyes are white withgolden irises and seemingly no pupils, which is the most distinctive Aasimartrait she has. There’s a healing burn scar [from S21] that’s faint and surroundsher eyes and upper nose. Additionally, purple rings are common under Cynthia’seyes, as she is a known insomniac. Her nose is somewhat large and is rounded.

- Body-Bronze skin with freckles around the shoulders. She is quite muscular innature, especially in the abs and arms. There are plenty of scars from her adventuresand from her past. Three claw marks are along her right shoulder [15 years agofrom a swamp beast], multiple separate scars along her sides due to the armorbeing weak there, and [AAF AU Only] grey scars along her left side frommultiple near-death incidents. It’s common for her to have a couple of bruiseshere and there from fighting recklessly. Her torso and thighs are large butonly slightly muscular for balance. On her right arm is her holy symbol, whichis a simplified, maroon depiction of Sune.- Clothes [Captain {Post-S18}]- A long, leather trench coat with elbow-lengthsleeves. The cuffs at the end of the sleeves have a golden trim. A golden sashis wrapped around the waist with the Featherstone crest sewn into it in blackthread. She wears a black cami and leggings underneath the trench coat, and shehas leather boots that go up to her knees.

-Clothes [Formal]- A cream dress of a thin, rough material. The dress falls downto her feet in length, and she has white flats and stockings to match. A goldensash is wrapped around the waist, and there is also a golden line below her chestthat wraps around the body. Two golden bands of fabric drape and reconnect onthe line, each with three feathers that hang from it with metal loops. Thesleeves are short and somewhat puffed. Finally, there’s a section that lookslike the shoulders of Belle’s dress from Beautyand the Beast, golden in color. I don’t know what it’s called.

-Armor- Her armor is full plate, and it is rather simple. I wish I knew how todescribe armor; it’s been something I’ve been meaning to do! On the breastplate,there is a very small line where the pieces of the breastplate were weldedtogether, and it almost divides it into fourths. Her left arm is fully platedand has a metal gauntlet, but the right arm is only plated to her elbow. Thebelt has a quartz piece in the middle of the front side that has theFeatherstone crest carved into it and painted black. Three plates cover the tophalf of her thighs on the sides. The boots are also metal, but areappropriately sectioned to allow for mobility.

- AdventuringGear- A small backpack filled with maps, miscellaneous items from the Explorer’sPack, 3 poison vials, and a leather doll that Roth’s fiend likes to possess.She has a bronze/copper kite shield, and a unique longsword [no bonuses to hit,but does 1d12+1/1d14+1 damage, which means she has a +5 to hit and 1d12+5/1d14+3damage]. The sheath for the longsword allows it to be drawn from the back withsome ease.

8. What location encountered in the campaign has your character feltthe most “at home” in, or just generally liked the most?

She’srarely felt at home, mainly because she misses Kelemvor’s Snout so much.Hundelstone was fine until it got destroyed, Ekrund was incredibly sketchy toher, Vunedar was fun until Paddy nearly died twice, and then there’s themountains. She doesn’t know how to explain it, but that isolation and wildernessthat most of the mountain travel had felt peaceful to her, and was probably theclosest to feeling like home. The ice castle, if it weren’t for the eighty children,probably would have reminded her of Mordecai’s mansion a bit.

9. What deity, if any, does your character worship? What’s theiropinion on other people’s worship?

Sheworships Sune, goddess of love. She doesn’t mind other people’s faiths, especiallywith the crew having such a wild diversity in the pantheon.

10. If your character had time to pick up any artisan’s tools, gameset, instrument, etc., what would it be?

She wouldhave plenty of time if she wasn’t unconscious so much, but she would probablygive one of the game sets a shot.

11. Describe your character’s current relationship with the playercharacter sitting to your right.

Well,the person to my right currently is my DM, but I assume this infers that I’msitting with the group. I usually have ArkVeil [Wall’s player] on my right, sohere’s Cynthia’s opinion of Wall.She feels bad for manipulating him to believe in lies, but she knows Wall wouldtry to apprehend every single one of them if she told him that they werepirates. She knows she can trust Wall, as his intelligence and wisdom farexceeds hers. However, it appears Wall is a bit more critical of the captainthan she is to him, and he has every reason to be critical of her decisions. Cynthiais naturally self-sacrificial, which has led into some very questionabledecisions made by the captain in an attempt to protect her crew, one of which(at least in canon, the AU has many more) inspired Wall (and Roth) to actagainst the captain and knock her unconscious before she could enforce herdecision. Of course, Cynthia does not remember this, so she has not questionedWall for it… yet.

12. What is your character’s current goal, summed up in one sentence?

Shewishes to rid the Living Plague from Iotath, whatever it takes.

13. Does your character ever want to “settle down” with a spouse,children, house, etc.?

Despitebeing the oldest member of the party (?? Unless Wall is older), Cynthia has notreally had a serious time to wonder about things like that. She never got thechance to settle down except when she was dealing with serious grief, and shenever liked the idea of staying put anywhere. Her mind has been constantly seton the ridding the Living Plague, and she doesn’t want to do anything else untilit’s over.

14. Has your character ever been in love?

Yes;she has had some previous crushes and small relationships. This is includingbut not excluded to: Parisa Lajani (S0-S7), Bruno (S5-S7), Korst (S13-current?),Sylsys (S14). However, her main relationship is currently with Paddy McLoughlin,a human artificer who is also her quartermaster/first mate/lieutenant/co-captain.She’s had a crush on him since a little before the fall of Hundelstone, but thetwo did not go into a relationship until S15. She’s polyamorous and panromantic.

15. What battle in the campaign has been most memorable to yourcharacter?

TheFall of Hundelstone (S6-S7) is probably the most memorable in the campaign toher. (I, however, think S15 had the most memorable fight because oH BOI)

16. If your character wasn’t whatever class they are, what would theybe instead?

Iwould say Cleric, but considering her WIS score is 10, probably Fighter or Barbarian.

17. What is your character’s favorite season?

I’msure I’ve answered this once before and I’m now changing that answer to fall.

18. What would your character’s Zodiac sign be, followingstereotypical astrology?

Vriska

19. Where in the world does your character most want to visit?

Kelemvor’sSnout

20. What is the biggest mistake your character has ever made?

Inthe campaign, that award goes to everything she did in S20. She did nothing rightin that session. In the AAF AU, the answer changes to S24A.

21. Does your character have any noticeable scars? If so, what aretheir stories?

Answeredin #8.

22. What animal best represents your character?

Cynthia’sfursona is a cat. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules

23. If your character could go back in time and change one thing abouttheir life, what would it be?

Shewould have found a way for Mordecai to be saved instead of her during the fallof Kelemvor’s Snout.

24. Which other player character does your character find themselveshaving the most in common with?

RothPhilious, for sure.

25. Does your character regret any particular choice the party hasmade?

Doyou mean: that she’s made? Yes. She’s the captain, after all, so the finaldecision often lands on her. She kind of regrets heading into the mountains forthis long, especially since the Plague has spread quickly since the fall ofHundelstone. However, she got a sword out of it, and she’s now had time to mostlyrecover from the Plague’s infection. She wishes Paddy had not approached thegnome man in S20, mainly because he nearly instantly died from the poisonblade. She occasionally regrets picking up Wall as well, as she’s actually hadto be clever with her lies around him. She does not regret picking up Poth atall, though.

26. What would your character say their best trait would be?

Shevalues her ambition and determination.

27. What is your character’s greatest fear? Deep, irrational?

Shefears losing the crew, and she also fears the Living Plague.

28. What is currently motivating your character to stay with theparty?

Hercrew are all valuable members to have, and she knows she needs others if shewants to rid the Plague.

29. What are your character’s hobbies and interests outside of theirclass?

Sheenjoys writing in her journal and is quite skilled in calligraphy. Additionally,she knows how to play the flute, but this rarelycomes up in the campaign.

30. What would most people think when they first see your character?

A lotof the NPCs have commented initially on Cynthia’s natural charm and charisma,some even disliking her for it. Some have noticed her age and compared it tohaving good experience in adventuring (which is false). These have givenCynthia an upper hand with being on good terms with some of the NPCs (exception:Jeeves).

31. What stereotypical group role does your character play in theparty? (The Mom, the Mess, the Comic Relief, etc. Optionally: What role wouldyour character play in the “Five Man Band” structure?)

Sheis simultaneously “The Mom” and “The Mess” of the party.

32. What is your character the most insecure about?

Shecan be insecure about if Sune actually likes her or not, as she does almosteverything to try to sway Sune to like her. Sune is her last connection toMordecai that she will have, and she definitely does not want to lose it.

33. What person does your character admire most?

Sheadmires Mordecai Featherstone the most, as she was his squire.

34. What does your character admire and dislike the most about theplayer character sitting to your left?

RiahkHaladin(Paddy’s player) usually sits to my left, so this will be about PaddyMcLoughlin.She admires his charming looks and aesthetic the most, but in close second ishis innovation in many scenarios. Paddy has come up with a lot of strangesolutions that Cynthia barely understood how he came up with, but they mostlyended up working. Those two things are why Cynthia picked him to be hersecond-in-command.

35. Why is your character’s lowest stat their lowest (the in-characterreason, not “because there’s no reason for a wizard to have 16 strength, duh”)?

Due toher optimization, she has three dump stats, with INT and DEX both tied forlowest score as an 8 (-1). In-character, however, there is some explanation.Mordecai trained her to be similar to him in mind and body. Mordecai never trainedher to be quick or agile, just strong and able to land a powerful hit.Additionally, Mordecai didn’t really educate her on book smarts since his partyusually took care of that and because Cynthia rarely paid attention to him whilehe tried.

36. What would be your character’s theme song/favorite band/favoritegenre of music?

Thishas separate answers… It’s been currently established that her theme song is “Rubik’sCube” by Athlete. Her favorite artistwould probably be Hozier, and herfavorite genre would probably be indie or gospel.

37. What stereotypical role would your character play in a high schoolAU/if they attended a normal high school? (Nerd, jock, bully, goth, etc.)

JOCK

38. What treasure/item/artifact that your character has collectedduring the adventure is the most important to them?

It’sa tie between her diary and her new longsword!

39. Is there any particular weapon, item, etc. that your characterlongs to find?

Shekind of wants to know if Mordecai had a diary, and if so, if she can find it.However, she also jokes to herself that it may just look like chicken scratch, asshe gained her calligraphy skills from Jinri.

40. Where does your character feel the most at home?

Kelemvor’s Snout

41. Does your character care about how they’re perceived by others?How do they change themselves to fit in with other people?

Yes!She did attempt to act more formal around Paddy’s family, and as I statedbefore, she does everything for Sune. She manipulates people to like her onrare occasion as well, but she hates resorting to that.

42. What does your character think is the true meaning of life?

(offucking course this is question 42)She believes it as finding some goal and then accomplishing that goal, nomatter how big or small that is.

43. What is your character’s scent? (Bonus points for a descriptionthat sounds like it could be from a bad [or awesome] fanfic.)

I’mgonna be honest, I don’t like this question, but I’ll do my best to answer itfor you. She does have basic hygiene. Sometimes, the “smell of metal” (funfact! Metal doesn’t have a smell, and the smell is from a reaction from theoils on our skin and the metal!) stays on her after a long adventure, or shecarries the smell of blood from being seriously injured so many times. However,in non-canon examples like “An Angel’s Fall” where she’s in a formal situation,she carries the smell of roses with her.

44. Does your character think more with their heart or their brain?

Youthink Cynthia, with 8 INT/10 WIS/18 CHA, would think with her brain? No. Shethinks with her heart.

45. What is your character’s most recent or frequent nightmare?

Shefrequently has nightmares of the more traumatic sections of Cynthia’s past, buther most recent nightmare would have been the night before S24 ended, which wasmost likely about losing her crew to the potential upcoming fight with a lich.

46. What opinion does your character have on [CERTAIN ESTABLISHEDGROUPS/AUTHORITIES IN THE GAME WORLD]? (Dragonmarked Houses, royal crown, etc.)

Shedoesn’t like any of them, mainly because she believes none of them are doinganything about the Living Plague. However, the Council of Vunedar is prettylikable because they’re actually trying to do something. She hates the cultiststhey met in Ekrund, as they managed to corrupt the city government.

47. How did your character spend their childhood? Where did they growup/who were their childhood friends?

Shehad a few childhood friends in her early childhood; a couple of older Aasimarboys were her friends that led her into occasional mischief. As a squire, she metquite a few people of her age, but only for a few days or weeks.

48. What aspect of your character’s future are they most curiousabout? (If they could know one thing about the future, what would it be?)

Doesshe get to go back home?

49. What colors are associated with your character?

I’vedone my best to associate each party member with a color. Cynthia’s colors areorange and gold.

50. Who in the party would your character prioritize rescuing, in direcircumstances?

I’mso sorry Party 4, but she wouldn’t hesitate to save Paddy.

51. Is your character the most swayed by ethos, pathos, or logos?

Pathos

52. If your character was granted a single use of Wish, what wouldthey use it for?

OH IWAS GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING RELATED TO THIS QUESTION! She would attempt tobring back Mordecai. Why not rid the Living Plague? Because there’s no good wayto wish it away.

53. What is your character’s favorite spell? If they don’t use spells:what is their favorite personal weapon/combat maneuver/skill/etc.?

Whileit’s not a spell, she tends to use Divine Smite and Lay On Hands a lot. Herfavorite, however, is Find Steed because of Nur! :D

54. How does your character feel about keeping secrets from the restof the party?

Horrible.

55. What type of creature in the world is your character the mostintrigued by?

She’svery intrigued by dragons; Mordecai told her a tale of him conquering a dragon,and ever since that, she’s wanted to find one herself.

56. When they were a child, what did your character want to be, orthink they were going to be, when they grew up?

She wantedto be a paladin, so everything worked out for her in that regard!

57. The player character to your left admits that they’re passionatelyin love with your character. How would your character respond?

Thishappened, and that’s called the Pathia ship. It’s great, and I definitely recommendit.

58. If somebody (an NPC, someone from their backstory, etc.) yourcharacter trusts/loves asked your character to do something against the party’sbest interest, who would they side with?

If it’sSune, then she would turn against the party. Otherwise she’s ride or die withthe party.

59. Does your character value their own best interest more than theparty’s?

Yesand no? The only thing that stands above her party’s interests is taking downthe Living Plague.

60. What decision would the party have to make in order for yourcharacter to consider splitting off from the group?

Anypossible decision that could fill this answer’s criteria would be wildly out ofcharacter, so we’re safe for now! :D

61. How does your character imagine the way they will die?

Sheoften thinks about how she may die to the abominations of the Living Plague,and she feels it will be in combat. She doubts there will be a natural deathfor her, especially with her being immune to natural diseases.

62. What is your character’s greatest achievement?

Therewas a similar question in an earlier ask meme, so I’ll shorten it: taking herOath and being cured of the Living Plague are tied.

63. Is your character willing to risk the well-being of others inorder to achieve their goal?

She’swilling to risk the well-being of herself to achieve her goal, but she’shesitant when it comes to others.

64. What is your character’s opinion on killing others?

As longas there’s a good reason to kill them, it’s fine.

65. What is your character’s favorite food? Beverage?

She’skind of like me in this sense where she just likes food.

66. How generous is your character? Especially to those they don’tknow?

She’ssort of generous.

67. What is your character the most envious about, regarding anyone inthe party?

She’senvious of Poth for still having childhood innocence.

68. The player character to your left and the player character to yourright are both telling your character two different versions of the truth. Whodoes your character believe?

She’dtrust Wall over Paddy, mainly because she doubts Wall is capable of lying.

69. What is your character’s sexuality/relationship with sex?

She’spansexual.

70. What is your character’s biggest pet peeve?

Rolandexisting

71. Describe how your character feels about the party’s currentsituation/objective/etc.

She’sexcited to try to explore the dungeon, but she’s worried that she’s about tomake a mistake entrusting her only hope of living to Uther.

72. Who in the party would your character trust the most to keep animportant secret?

Roth!

73. If your character knew that they were going to die in a month, howwould they spend the rest of their life?

She’dabsolutely make sure Iotath was taking action against the Plague before shedies. When she’s getting close, she’ll go hunt for Roland and try to kill him.

74. What makes your character feel safe?

Whenshe’s being held by someone she can trust

75. If your character had the chance to rename the party/give theparty a name, no questions asked, what would it be?

Shesimply calls herself and the others the members of the Grey Rat, and she’s honestly contempt with that name.

76. What memory does your character want to forget the most?

Shewishes she could forget every single moment leading up to the fall of Kelemvor’sSnout.

77. If your character had to multiclass into a class they currentlyaren’t the next time they level up, what would it be and what reason would theyhave for doing so?

If shehad to multiclass, she would probably go for Fighter since it’s the closest toPaladin that doesn’t involve her horrible stats.

78. What television/book/video game/etc. character would yourcharacter be best friends with? (Or: what media character is your character themost influenced by/similar to?

a) I’d want her to be friends with Magnus Burnsides from The Adventure Zone!

b) She was originally influenced by Moxxi from Borderlands 2, and I would eventuallyhave other characters influence Cynthia as well, including other OCs.

79. What unusual talents does your character possess?

The abilityto have impressive saving throws and yet somehow still fuck up horribly

80. How does your character feel about receiving/giving orders? Arethey more of a leader, or a follower?

She’sdefinitely a leader in nature, but she prefers to hear opinions from the crewbefore she makes a final decision.

81. What does your character’s name represent to them? (Or: why as aplayer did you choose your character’s name?)

Cynthia’sfirst name doesn’t speak much, but her inherited last name, Featherstone, meanseverything. It’s a reminder that she has a legacy of adventurers to follow withher heart, and it’s a name that she keeps close to her. It’s incredibly unlikelythat she’ll change it, even if she ends up marrying someone.

82. Is your character more of an introvert, or an extrovert?

Extrovert!

83. How far is your character willing to go to pursue the “greatergood”? Do they believe in a greater good at all?

No matter what.

84. What does your character want to be remembered by?

Shewants to be the one remembered for ridding the Living Plague.

85. What would be your character’s major in college?

Ahfuck I know I had a domestic AU somewhere but I don’t remember my answer umuI might have said a Humanities major or some Religion major but idk :(

86. Does your character consider themselves a hero, villain, orsomething else?

She’sthe only hero the world has.

87. What major arcana tarot card best represents your character?

TheFool

88. Where does your character see themselves in 20 years?

Hopefullydone with the Plague shit and adventuring around

89. What is your character’s relationship with magic? Are they scaredof it, wish to know more about it, indifferent to it?

Hermagic is divine, and so her relationship with it is pretty spiritual.

90. Who is your character’s biggest rival?

Roland,but she mainly just wants to kill him.

91. What is your character’s guiltiest pleasure?

She may enjoy getting hurt a lot

92. What does your character hope for the afterlife?

Shewants to be reunited with Mordecai in the afterlife.

93. Who in the party does your character trust the least?

Noone should ever trust Poth

94. What is your character’s biggest flaw?

Hertwo big flaws is her dumbass energy and being way too self-sacrificial.

95. How did your character learn the languages that they speak?

Hernative language was Celestial from her biological family, and Mordecai slowlytaught her Common.

96. What is your character’s favorite school of magic/type ofweaponry?

Evocation/Enchantmentand longswords!

97. What is most important to your character: health, wealth, orhappiness?

Happiness!

98. What advice would your character give to a younger version ofthemselves?

“Goodluck because everything’s going to go to shit and you’re going to get blamedfor it”

99. Are there any social or political issues your character feelsstrongly about?

Yeahand it’s called why the fuck is no one doing shit about the Living Plague?

100. What, currently, is your character the mostcurious about?

She’scurrently curious about the mystery surrounding the Braveheart’s. Why are theretwo of them? Who is responsible for it? Why did she meet both of them? Arethere more?

#galaxy gets interrogated #reblog for cynthia #cynthia featherstone

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thefirejournals · 7 years

Text

Light the Sky

My mind was elsewhere, lost in a book I had been pouring over the night before. It wasn’t the first time I’d read it, not even close. Honestly it was closer to the hundredth. My eyes traveled to the window, staring out at the snowstorm that had decided to blow in. Words floated into my head as I watched the snow swirl, words that out-aged even my father. I couldn’t be certain why it was this particular sonnet that had stuck so firmly in my mind, there was no reason for it. Nevertheless, I let it play through, staring at the snow all the while.

Devouring time, blunt thou the lion’s paws, And make the Earth devour her own sweet brood, Pluck the keen teeth from the fierce tiger’s jaws, And burn the phoenix in her blood.

Dark imagery to be sure, especially to those of monsterkind that shared such traits as those mentioned. It got lighter in the second half, which was normal for the fair youth sonnets. Unrequited love stood the tes-

A jolt.

Stumbling, but not falling, my hand moved to my chest, the soul underneath pounding rapidly, my lips parting as I froze where I stood, all pacing stopped for the moment. As if in a trance, I stared into my carpet as what I could only describe as a flood of memories assaulting me, pinning me where I stood.

Gaster. The name was familiar, it was my sons’ last name, I’d heard it and spoken it these past twenty odd years. The name was not a shock to me in the slightest. The given name before it, however, did shock me ever so slightly. But that was only because I had not spoken it or even thought it in two years.

Wingding.

Wingding Gaster.

The one my heart had chosen.

My hand lifted to my mouth, holding back a sob as I stumbled back, falling against the arm of the couch and letting myself sink against it and finally just allowing myself to sit, watching as images flashed through my head. A skeleton that looked remarkably like my sons. Because he was their father, their real father. I saw him in bandages after the war, asking me to explain what happened. I saw him reporting the old chef’s shortcomings to my father, comforting me after Yves had passed on.

Most frequently I saw him sitting across from me at the bar, a multitude of expressions on his face that changed with age ever so slightly as the decades rolled past. I watched us grow ever closer, slowly touch more and finally on one drunken night share a kiss.

Wingding - no, Dings, my Dings, my scientist, my shadow, my love. He was my love. And if these memories were correct, he knew that. Because I was his love as well. My hand remained over my mouth as a grin broke out underneath it, remembering that night fondly, the night we finally confessed our love to each other and decided to be together, to be a couple. The sheer elation that night had yet to be matched. I reveled in it, letting the delight simply take over, letting myself be lost to the memory of Wingding telling me he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. The kisses that night, sleeping with Wingding in my arms. As I could remember now, that wasn’t an unusual happenstance. He often fell asleep in my arms, beside me, on my shoulder.

The next few months we were still together… and yet… it seemed we were hardly ever in the same room. Most of the memories seemed to be of text messages gone unanswered, looking over the bar at an empty stool, heading home after close to a bed that only contained me and my thoughts. Suddenly it made a lot more sense as to why my coloring had been more red than orange for the past two years. My Dings and my - our - eldest son, Sans, had been working on a machine that had consumed all their waking hours. Dings was far more affected, his appearances at the diner became non-existent.

It was a few weeks after not seeing him that I finally gave in and forced myself through Waterfall and to the Royal Labs in search of not only my dearest one but also answers as to what was going on. What I’d received was a stressed out, malnourished skeleton who collapsed onto my living room floor and sobbed, kissed me desperately, and finally passed out in my embrace. I stared at the spot on the floor where he’d collapsed, soul aching at the memories and the emotions they contained. The next ones to come were no better. They were ones I already knew, but altered now to include me begging whatever powers there were in the world to not let me lose my Dings, my love. The one man I loved so dearly and deeply that it tore at my soul to know I had simply forgotten him for two entire years.

I felt more than heard the hiss under my eyes as tears broke, feeling that dreadful jolt all over again, feeling the confusion of the name Wingding echoing in my thoughts before it was lost forever.

No, not forever. Just until now. I remembered now, I know why my soul had been aching these past two years. I knew why it distressed me so horribly when Sans had spoken his father’s name, why I’d ended up on my floor clutching my chest and near tears. I knew who Wingding Gaster was, what he meant to me. What he meant to everyone.

I stood shakily, pressing hard into the arm of the couch to steady myself as best I could. I knew who my love was, I could find him, I could go to him, I could hold him and remind him just how much I adored him and needed him. I could fi - no. No I couldn’t. No one had seen Wingding after the accident. No one had known what happened to him. I had never gotten an answer out of the guard I’d questioned in the hospital.

No one in the entire Underground knew what had happened to my love.

I sank back down on the couch, settling my head in my hands and closing my eyes, processing this realization.

I couldn’t find Wingding. It was entirely possible he would be lost to me forever, and had been for these two years, without me knowing. Sighing slowly, I considered my options. I could simply continue on with the line of thought that my lost love was truly lost, or I could try to find answers. There was one person who had witnessed the accident, and he always answered when I called. Standing once more, this time more solidly and with only a little help from the arm of the couch, I made my way to the coat that I’d tossed over the back of the armchair and fished my phone out of the pocket. My son always answered when I called, but as the ringing continued and I finally got his pre-recorded voice asking me to leave a message, I realized that I hadn’t heard directly from him or Papyrus since the news of the barrier breaking. I obviously couldn’t leave a message, so I sighed and hung up before the beep sounded. At the very least, he’d see that I called. All I could do was sit here and wait.

Well, no… no that wasn’t entirely true. My soul picked up speed again as I realized a few more things. I hadn’t heard from my sons in roughly 24 hours. I’d instead been updated on their whereabouts by other monsters bringing news from the furthest reaches of Hotland. Last I knew, they’d been near the Palace before the barrier had been broken. I currently didn’t know where they were or even if they were alive. Putting a hand in my flames, I swallowed, trying not to think of the worst possibility. If they were. Gone. Someone would have come to find me. We didn’t know every monster in the Underground personally, but enough of them that I was confident in my assumptions. Someone would come and find me if my sons were hurt or worse. Taking a breath, I decided I could safely assume my sons were alive and well.

That only left one more soul to seek. If I could find out where Sans and Papyrus were, I would at least know if my love really was lost to me forever. I thought about heading to their house, but quickly dismissed the thought. If Sans, of all monsters, wasn’t answering his phone, then had either lost it or was in a deep enough sleep his ringtone couldn’t rouse him. It would be better to try Papyrus first, before I did anything else. My youngest son was notoriously bad about answering his phone, but he always at least texted back if he couldn’t talk. Picking up my phone once more, I quickly drafted a text to him, judging it was more likely to be answered.

[Pap, where are you boys? I’m at home if you need me. Q made me leave early.]

Writing that last sentence brought to mind the very reason Q had made me leave, and I paused in lingering confusion over that moment, wondering still what had happened. What had made my soul seemingly heal itself when I had pulled it out to examine it. The crack had been there for roughly two years now, since the… since the accident. It wasn’t a pleasant memory to dwell on, so I didn’t. I tried not to be the kind of person that looked a gift horse in the mouth, but it was difficult since this particular gift directly dealt with the very core of my being and my life. With a huff, I decided I could discuss it with Sans later. He was smart, and he’d worked in the labs around the soul research. It was likely he would be able to at least point me in the right direction.

There was indeed a response from my son and it only took a few minutes to come. Pap was generally more soft spoken and less aggressive in his texting, the absence of tone and body language almost made him sound like his brother.

[We’re at home, just resting. We’ll come visit you later, okay Uncle Grillby? We’re tired.]

I was instantly relieved with this response, and while I could have just gone over to their house anyways and no one would have minded, I decided it was best to simply let them be. It was rare that Papyrus said he was tired. So instead I simply told him to get some rest and to come find me afterwards. Stashing my phone back into my coat pocket, I sighed. What to do now? It was past closing, no need to be at the diner. The next four lines of the earlier sonnet floated back into my mind, and my eyes returned to the window and the snow.

Make glad and sorry seasons as thou fleets, And do whate'er thou wilt, swift-footed Time, To the wide world and all her fading sweets; But I forbid thee one more heinous crime: O, carve not with the hours my love's fair brow, Nor draw no lines there with thine antique pen!

Take away anything in this world except for my love. The most basic explanation of this sonnet was that line, and now I realized why the entire sonnet was stuck in my head. My Wingding. Time had tried to take away my Dings. Two years of not knowing who he was, why my soul ached so desperately.

Him in thy course untainted do allow For beauty's pattern to succeeding men. Yet do thy worst, old Time! Despite thy wrong My love shall in my verse ever live young.

As long as I held Dings in my heart, he couldn’t be lost. As long as he was in my memories, he was alive. It didn’t matter where he was, if he even still lived. Dings was alive through my love for him. Of course I wanted him back, I wanted him physically in my diner, in my home, in my arms. The simple fact of the matter was that the chances looked and felt very slim.

You are slipping into cold logic again, Chaleureux. I sighed, nodding at the thought. That’s what I’d done when dad had died. Just gave myself over to cold, nearly unfeeling logic. It had been fine then, I had others to run things for me. Now there was no one else but me. I couldn’t let myself go back into that. Especially if my boys remembered their father now, as I did. I couldn’t become a cold, robotic bartender when my sons needed me to remain the father figure they’d always known.

If dings was indeed lost to us forever, as he seemed to be, I couldn’t leave my boys out in the cold by themselves, it didn’t matter if they were grown men already. I quickly scrubbed a hand through my flames once more and nodded to myself. As of the moment, I needed to operate under the assumption that Dings wasn’t coming back. The very idea of it, thinking about it, made my cracked old soul ache more harshly than I’d ever felt. But it was simply how it seemed to be. And I had to accept that.

Accepting that left me with far too much nervous energy to be sitting here reciting silent poetry to myself. I couldn’t just sit or even stand and pace, I need to do something productive, something worthwhile to burn off the nervousness in my flames and hopefully focus on a plan for either moving to the surface or staying underground. Depending on what Q and my sons’ plan was. I did indeed pace around my living room while running through these thoughts, until I gave up with a sigh and threw my coat back on, heading back out into the snow.

No matter what happened next, I still needed to take inventory.

#grillby #undertale fanfiction #that's shakespeare folks #it's shakespeare

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