#one person didn't realize that this was a doctor who post until they reached “best costume”

[miheartsedthings]

Song: Until I Found You by Stephen Sanchez

Billy x Shy (slightly) Nyctohobic Reader SFW (Minors DNI)

Summary: You and Billy only met a week ago (the day you started community service) and you never talk to him, that is until the night you're cleaning the community center and the power goes out. 

My submission to @corroded-hellfire Valentine's event! ;)

Words: 3,365

“It's your own fault, but 500 hours for parking tickets is fucking bullshit.” 

Carmen takes a generous pull from her cigarette, a bright red cherry glowing in the dark. She draws the smoke in deep and lets it billow from her nostrils like some great dragon. As if it were purer than the air around you. The baseball field is dark, an orange lamp post on the little street beyond the fences. You sit on the ice-cold bleachers, chill biting right through your thin sweatpants and pullovers, numbing you to the bone. 

“I can't believe you're going.” 

You say to the dark. You reach for the bottle of crown between your sneakered feet and take another swig. 

“Yeah well, no one told you to get community service right after graduation. Otherwise, you could start with the rest of us.” 

“Who knew Hawkins took parking so seriously.”

She chuckled, her face obscured by smoke and darkness. She chuckled and didn't even cough.

“Talk to Hargrove yet?”

You took another long drink and cringed a little. 

“Nope.” 

She chuckled again, but louder, blossoming into a full-hearted laugh. 

“Seriously? You lost that bet fair and square. If you don’t tell him, it’s friendship treason.”

“I swear, I’ll tell him.”

“How?” 

“I’ll figure it out.”

She shook her head, then put out her spent cigarette and grabbed your hand. You walked that way; hands clasped, joints stiff with cold, the way you had every night since graduation a few months back. Be it from parties or hours on the bleachers talking about any and everything. Carmen had been your best friend since moving there from Chicago mid-semester. In the morning, she'd be going off to college and you already missed her so much it made your throat ache.

You stopped on her darkened lawn and she turned to you. 

“Do me a favor,” she said, fishing her crumpled pack of lucky strikes from her front pocket and slapping them into your hand. “Keep my last lucky.” 

You look at the white and red pack, it's plastic crinkled, the integrity of the carton broken down into a soft, malleable thing. 

“For luck?” The question isn't a question and you smile when you look at her, pocketing the pack. A slow grin spreads across her face. 

“Hell yeah. Good fuckin luck.”

 

. . .

The clouds are dark and low, threatening rain at any minute. 

“It’s child endangerment having us out here in a storm.” Ricky, one of the other ‘volunteers’ sneers this at the probation officer, interrupting his speech about your assignment. 

The officer cuts his eyes at him. 

“A, you’re working inside the community center. B, you’re 23. All of you are old enough to know better.”

You're messing with the pack of cigarettes in the pocket of your orange jumper. The sky does look sinister, and you’re here much closer to sunset than normal. The community center wouldn’t reschedule their afterschool program, leaving the group to wait until dinnertime. 

“You’ll work in teams of two. Two on the second floor, two on the main, two in the basement.” 

The girl beside you raises her hand, her pink manicure glittering in the sun. 

“My doctor says I can’t be in dark, dusty places. I have a note.” 

The officer regards her with annoyance. 

“Jess and Thomas, take main,” he says, “David and Ricky you two have the attic, and.” 

It’s then that he looks around, realizing you're the last person there. He rolls his eyes. “Anybody seen Hargrove today?”  

Of the fourteen days of service, Billy has only shown up about 8, and only half of those was he on time. When you’d first moved to Hawkins, Billy stood out immediately. The California transplant who took over the school. It’s a shame he insisted on acting like a dickhead because he was a serious hottie, and there was a lack of eye candy around here. In any case, your paths never crossed. However, that didn’t stop you from admiring him from afar and developing a strong, embarrassing crush. Then, there’s the thing only Carmen knows about. The it you're required to confess to him. Somehow.  

The probation officer goes inside to make a phone call and the rest of you relax. You and Jess hop up to sit on the railing along the wheelchair slope. 

“You think he’s coming today?” You ask her. She’s adjusting her jumpsuit, trying to make it look more flattering somehow. 

“If he does can we switch partners? All Tommy talks about is friggin Dukes a Hazard.” 

You laugh. 

“Be my guest, his energy is a bit much for me, anyway.” 

“Oh, yeah.” her eyes twinkle mischievously “It’s a lot, right? But in a good way. Like a mouth full of hot pizza.” 

“You like that feeling?”

“You don’t? It’s nice to be a little overwhelmed sometimes.” 

Just as she’s saying this, you get a whiff of smoke, and then she yelps, scrambling away from the rail and grabbing her buttcheek. Billy stands on the other side, grinning, a mostly-gone cigarette hanging from his mouth.

“What?” he asks “Too much?” 

His jumpsuit is hanging down, bunched around his waist. His white tee shirt is taut across his chest. Jess giggles and goes back to lean against the bar, she and Billy getting close. 

“You like sneaking up behind girls and pinching their asses?” 

“Only the cute ones.” 

“Mr. Hargrove,” The probation officer is making his way over and you hop down from the railing “Nice of you to join us. You’re in the basement.” 

“Um, actually, mister," Jess says "Y/N said she doesn’t mind switching partners.”

“Well, actually, I mind. Hargrove and L/N, in the basement.” 

. . .

Billy is whistling while he lazily pushes a skinny vacuum across the short blue carpet. It had started raining the moment we got inside and it raged against the little storm windows near the ceiling. The basement is a small space with a chunky green couch in front of an old TV. Shelves of board games line one wall while on the other is a shelf of movies and an old stereo. You're dusting off the shelf and then move to the stereo, its buttons are all dirty and gross. 

“God, this thing is old.” You say, not expecting Billy to hear you, but he does. He switches off the vacuum and comes over, leaning down over your shoulder to look at it. He's close enough to feel his body heat. You smell his cologne and the familiar cigarette smoke. 

He glances at you, and even though you look away quick you know he caught you staring.

“Let's see what we got.” 

He flicks on the stereo and navigates to a station blaring metal.  

“Fuck yes,”

He cranks the music up and starts bopping his head and swirling his hips. You can't help but laugh, and when he sees you looking pleased he smirks and hams it up even more. 

“This is not a party!” The parole officer yells down the steps as he comes down. He rounds the corner but Billy doesn't bother to stop dancing, in fact he turns and aims his rolling hips at the officer. 

“What's wrong with a little party?” He asks.

You turn the radio off and Billy looks at you like he's surprised you're obeying. You look away. 

“Thank you, Ms. L/N. Now, I'm gonna step away for a little while, I'm needed at the courthouse. Can I trust you two to stay down here until the job is done?” 

“When exactly is that?” You ask. “I mean, are we supposed to be dusting everything? Cuz that's gonna take all night.” 

He sighs. 

“Look, just straighten up, clean the windows, make it look nice.” 

“Do we have glass cleaner?”

“Are you gonna sass me all night?” 

The officer’s tone clips, suddenly, stinging. It makes you look down. 

“We got it covered, why don't you run along?” Billy says, already turning his back on the officer, who stares angrily after him for a moment before leaving. 

You get back to dusting, embarrassed into silence. Billy wasn't even pretending to work anymore. He rifled through the board games and then sauntered over to the movies and did the same. 

“What’d you do, anyway?” He asked, coming up beside you. You looked up at him, and he smirked down at you like he expected something bad. 

“Parking tickets.” 

His face fell. 

“Fuckin tickets? Damn, and here I thought you were interesting.”

Your stomach dropped. 

“Sorry to disappoint.” You moved over to the TV and started brushing it off with a paper towel. “What'd you do? Fight somebody?” 

“Is that what I look like, to you?” He teased, following you, “You think I'm some jerk who goes around lookin for fights?” He circled in front of you, still grinning like a Cheshire cat. You rolled your eyes, but couldn't help smiling. 

“Ya know,” He leaned against the TV, looking up at you with those ocean-blue eyes. “I remember you.” 

You stare at him in disbelief for a moment, flustered by his undivided attention. 

“Yeah?” You got back to dusting, nervous about the way your blood was rushing. “Well, I was around, and you were around,” you rambled. He closed the distance between you again and snatched the paper towel from your hand. Balling it up, he tossed it around his back and caught it over his shoulder like it was a tiny basketball. 

“You gave a speech at that assembly.” 

“You remember that?” 

You try to hide how pleased you are.  

“What, among all the other thrilling shit going on at Hawkins High?”

“I thought you were more of a ‘parties and babes’ kinda guy.”

“Yeah, well. That shit gets boring, too.” 

He takes a step closer, trailing his gaze up to your eyes and lingering there with intention. He can tell that his presence makes you nervous, and in the quiet moment that settles, he smirks a little. Thunder claps, making you yelp and jolt, you’re so close to Billy that you can’t help bumping into his chest. He catches you, his hands on your arms. 

“Whoa,” he says with a chuckle “Don’t tell me you’re scared of a little storm?” 

You push away from his touch. 

“Of course not.”

You went to the little bucket of cleaning supplies near the vacuum to look for glass cleaner you already knew wasn’t there. It was dark out, and you were trying not to make it obvious that you were worried about getting home. The bucket offers paper towels, wet wipes, and a couple of sponges. What exactly are you expected to do with this?

“I thought you’d be back in Chicago by now.” 

Billy was settling onto the couch, his feet up on the coffee table. Wind howled against the building and you looked to the storm window just in time to see a flash of lightning. Good, this time when the thunder comes you won’t jump like an idiot. 

“Yeah, me too. But we’re residents now, and there’s no way my parents can afford out-of-state tuition.” You sigh and look back to the bucket, eager for something to keep you busy. “Not like I miss it, anyway.” 

“Not a big city girl?” 

“The weather sucked half the year, and people were weird. Maybe it was just my school but it seemed like everyone wanted to take advantage whenever they could. Just trying to use you and get to the next best thing.” 

“Sounds like LA. Buncha wannabes.” 

“I thought you came from the OC?”

A slow smile drew across his lips. 

“Torrence,” he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. “What else do you think you know about me?” 

Your secret flashed through your mind. 

“I’m sure you know what kind of reputation you have.”

“Fuck,”  He grumbled, half a broken cigarette between his fingers. 

“Your last?” 

“Wouldn’t be my life if it wasn’t my fuckin last.” 

Your hand went to your pocket. Thank you, Carmen. 

“Here.” You went to him and offered the pack. He looked up at you, the split cigarette hanging from his perfect lips. He smirked and accepted the cigarette.

“Look at you, bein unpredictable.”

You gave up on cleaning and sat next to him. Just as he was lighting the cigarette, the room went dark. You jolted, letting loose a little yelp. Upstairs, Jess shrieks. The room is so dark for a moment you can’t see anything, then Billy flicks his lighter and you can see a little of his face. 

“Knew it. You’re scared.” 

“We should check on Jess.” 

You stood, but there was barely any light coming in from the two storm windows and you could barely see in front of yourself. Billy’s hand came to your waist and you jolted again. 

“It’s just me,” he said calmly, wrapping his arm around your waist, which you allowed. Let’s face it, you're creeped out and his body feels solid and warm. The two of you make your way to the stairs, only to reach the top and find the door locked. 

“Jess?” 

You knocked hard, hoping she could hear you. 

“Y/n?” Her voice came to the door. You heard her try the handle. “I can’t open it!” she yelled, on the verge of panic. 

“All the doors up here are locked,” Tommy added. “Dave and Rick are stuck in the attic, too.” 

“Dammit! I can’t be under this pressure!” Jess cried. 

“Do you have to yell?”

“Shut up Tommy!” 

 The two went on bickering on the other side of the door. 

“Why don’t you two freaks break a window or somethin?” Billy yelled, shutting them up. 

“We-we’ll give it a shot,” Tommy called back “Give us a sec.” 

Their voices receded, Billy groaned and the cherry end of his cigarette glowed as he took a drag. you were close in the narrow stairway, his arm still around you, as if it belonged there. 

“Since when d’you smoke?” He asked. 

“I don’t. That’s courtesy of Carmen Bailey.” 

“Ah, yeah. I remember her. Her mom’s at the pool every day in the summer.” 

The thought makes your stomach fall.

“Did you ever…?”

Even though you can’t see him, you know he’s smirking. 

“Just another rumor.” 

You wonder what would happen if you told him right now. It could go well. If what the woman said so long ago had been true, then it had to go well. But what if she was lying? A shiver ran through you. 

“You cold?”

“Hm? No. I’m fine.”

He pulled you closer, your shoulder against his chest. God, he’s so warm. A loud bang made you jolt again and Billy stroked his thumb against your side, filling the stairwell with lucky strike smoke. What a thing when cigarette smoke becomes comforting. Another loud bang. No shattering glass. 

“It didn’t work!” Jess cried with desperation in her voice. 

“Fuck,” Billy mumbled. 

“What do we do?” Tommy asked. 

“Just wait for the officer to come back.” You said. 

“Have you seen what it looks like out there? He’s not coming back. Fucker just left us.” Jess might’ve been crying real tears. 

“At least you’re not in the basement,” You added with a little laugh. 

“As if I wouldn’t kill to trade places with you.” She said. 

You and Billy went back down to the couch and settled in. Officially stuck. He kept his hand on you in some way, on your hip and then on your thigh when you sat down. You sat together in silence, and you watched the glow of his cigarette wind down to his lips until it was gone. You don’t know where he put it out. Then there was just the sound of the storm. The rain and an occasional flash of lightning. The thunder which made you tense for just a moment each time. Billy could feel that tension, you knew because every time he would message your thigh, reminding you he was there.  

“I’m really glad you never hooked up with Carmen’s mom. She’s my best friend and it’d be really awkward.” 

He laughed. 

“Best friend, huh?”

“Yeah. Since day one. You weren’t here the first couple of days I started but it was weird. This town treats new people like aliens.” 

“Think I don’t know? Weirdass cornfield fucks.” 

You belly-laughed and he chuckled a bit, too. 

“Well, to be fair they didn’t stand a chance against you. Nothing could’ve prepared them for hurricane Hargrove.” 

“Hurricane Hargrove,” he said, testing the nickname “I like it. You came up with that?”

“It was here when I arrived. You’re the best thing about this place.” 

You hadn’t meant for it to sound so intimate, but suddenly there was just the sound of the rain and something fluttered in your chest. Billy’s hand moved a little higher on your thigh, kneading the muscle. 

“Anyway, Carmen’s great. That’s why I hate not starting classes with her. We’re supposed to share a dorm.” He doesn’t answer, his hand is still feeling your thigh and your face is getting hot. “Are you excited for school?”

“Did you hear the question you just asked?”

You laughed nervously. 

“I just mean, aren’t you looking forward to getting out of Hawkins? Starting your life somewhere else? I mean, what do you wanna be?”

He sighed. 

“Uh, fuck, I don’t know. I wanna…not be a prick.” 

“Decent goal.” 

He scoffed. 

“Should be easy, right?” He was quiet for a moment, and in the quiet, your hand came down over his. Your eyes were adjusting and you could make out his outline. That curly hair. “I’m here ‘cause of my dad. We got in a fight…that asshole started it but the second I fought back he said ‘You’re a man now, you’re gonna face real consequences for your actions’...called the cops. Charged me with assault.” 

You stroked your thumb over his knuckles. 

“Sounds like a piece of shit.” 

“Biggest I’ve ever met.” he said, “So, I don’t know where I’ll go, what I’ll do. I’m just not stayin here. And he’ll be lucky if he sees me on his deathbed.”   

You're filled with the urge to lift his hand to your lips, to kiss the length of his arm, and find his mouth in the dark. Would you get that far? Would he stop you? 

“There’s something I should tell you.”

The words popped out on their own, setting in motion this confession you couldn’t hold in. 

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice smooth and low, “Tell me.”

You took a breath. 

“Promise not to laugh.”

“That bad?”

“Please. Promise.”

“I swear.”

He squeezed your hand with a reassuring firmness.

“My parents took me to Navy Pier when I turned eleven and I saw a psychic there. She told me,” A rush of nerves made you cringe “God, I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”

“Just spill it.”

You groaned, dying of embarrassment.

“The psychic told me I’d meet my soulmate one day and until that day I’d suffer nightmares every single night. And she was right. I had nightmares that night and every night since then…until I found my soulmate…” quiet stretched out between you as you found the courage to finish, “Until I found you.”  

The lights flicked back on, making you squint and cover your eyes from the sudden flare. Then you saw him. He looked at you like he was seeing you for the first time, recognizing someone. 

“How d’you know it's me?”

After a moment’s silent embarrassment, you swallowed spit. 

“You're in my dreams now. All the time.” 

He looked down, and you're so nervous you wanted to chew off your lip. You stood, only to have Billy stand with you. He kissed you, and his tongue was smoke and spearmint. His lips were soft, and he took you around the waist, pulling you into a distant, smoky cologne while your arms were slung around his neck. Nothing had ever felt so perfect. He pulled back, though not far, and there was so much tenderness in his cool eyes. 

“D’you think it’s stupid?” you asked. 

“Y’know…all kinds of crazy shit happens around here. Someday I’ll tell you about it.”

#corroded-hellfire #billy hargrove #billy hargrove x reader #stranger things #billyhargrovesfw #fluff #cute #thunderstorm #billy #valentinesday #miheartsedthings #fanfic #story

[qianinterprises]

WayV Reaction: finding out their S/O has Borderline Personality Disorder

Pairing(s): WayV x Reader Genre: angst, fluff Warnings: mention of mental health, depression, anxiety, symptom's included in BPD. Trigger Warnings: depression, anxiety, hostility, mention's of self-harm, self-doubt, low self-image Word Count: 3.9k

Author's Notes: I'll be honest and say that I had to research Borderline Personality Disorder. I knew what it was/had heard of it before, but in order to write something accurate, I tried to educate myself. If you believe that you have BPD, please don't be afraid to go to a doctor or a trusted friend/family member. Your mental health is important.

Author's Note 2.0: I also want to mention that (as per earlier request), I am also working on a YangYang fic that features a reader with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm not entirely sure when it will be posted (soon hopefully), but it is in my WIP's.

Author's Note 2.0: Kun's is a little different, I apologize for the difference and the shortness. Tagging:@treasuretaeil

Kun:

Kun was in the middle of dance practice when his phone began to ring. At first, he let it go to voicemail, but by the third ring, Ten paused the music and Kun grabbed his phone out of his coat pocket, expecting to see your name popping up on the screen. You were at home today after a particularly rough week at work that had left you feeling spent. Kun longed to be home with you, holding you tight in his embrace. As his eyes met your next door neighbor's name on his phone screen, his stomach dropped. Mrs. Huang only called when it was really serious. "Hello?" he asked into the receiver. "Oh thank goodness!" she cried, voice laced with anxiety enducing agitation. "What's wrong?" "It's (y/n)! They've brought me five big tins of muffins! I can't possibly eat all of these! And they've gone to the store twice with ingredients! I think something's wrong! Kun sighed. This morning, you had been so happy. You were practically singing to the birds. He knew it wouldn't last though, especially with the week you'd had. "I'll be there soon!" Kun left practice without another word and when he got home, he found you in the kitchen, covered in flour, vigorously mixing a creamy liquid in one of your metal mixing bowls. The kitchen was covered in ingredients; flour puffed on the counters and floor, broken egg shells on the table, a half empty measuring cup of milk teetering on top of the fridge. It was bad this time. Kun knew you had borderline personality disorder. It had been something you'd told him in the beginnings of your relationship. He had seen you at your worst, and at your best, but it still broke his heart every time he witnessed you at a breaking point. "(y/n)?" You paused in your vigorous mixing, eyes glancing up to meet his. He didn't say anything, eyes locked on yours, but his eyes held no pity. Instead, they held pure, unfiltered love that had you putting the whisk aside. "Do you love me?" you whispered. A small wisp of a smile reflected across his face as he crossed the room, arms wrapping around your body. "More than anything," he whispered.

Ten:

You and Ten had only been together for a short amount of time; three months to be exact. It was an exhilarating three months. Time you wouldn't give for anything in the world, even though you didn't get to see each other often with Ten's very busy schedule. However, after the "Kick Back" album released, WayV was allowed to take a break as SM turned their attention to the scheduled release of NCT Dream's first album. Normally, Ten would then be whisked away for some SuperM promotion, but with Baekhyun's enlistment, SuperM was also allowed to take a break as the company decided what to do. Which ultimately meant you got to spend more time with your boyfriend, which, most would deem as a good thing and, you were happy he was there, however, it became a lot harder to hide your little secret from him. Your best friend, Kun, had introduced you to Ten (and the rest of the members), when Kun officially became a member of NCT. Kun and Ten had immediately hit it off as friends, which meant you also spent a lot of time with Ten, thus leading to a blossoming friendship and later attraction. So Ten lying in your bed snoring softly wasn't that far of a stretch from a common day encounter. The difference was, today, you didn't feel like yourself. Being in a friendship with Ten meant that, yes, you saw him often, but not often enough that you couldn't keep parts of yourself private. Which is exactly what you did, especially as your tiny crush on Ten grew into something mutual, eventually leading to a relationship. The truth you were so afraid of revealing was your disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder. A disorder you'd been diagnosed with since you were a your teenager. You'd been teased and bullied for it when a classmate you'd once called a friend announced your disorder to the entire school. This, in turn, had terrified you of ever telling anyone, which you had gotten away with. Ten didn't know and, if you had it your way, he'd never know. He was an idol. What did he need with a girlfriend with this disorder. However, with him hanging around a lot... "Hey? What's wrong?" Ten's voice snapped you from your thoughts. You'd been so distracted you hadn't realized his soft snoring had ceased. "Nothing," you said softly. His lips pursed, perplexed as he softly reached a hand up to brush across your cheek, something he'd done several times. But today, you didn't want it. You shied away from his hand, curling yourself up on the opposite side of the bed, cursing yourself for acting different than usual, but you couldn't help it. Ten didn't bat an eye. He simply gave you a soft smile and sat up in the large bed, but he didn't try to touch you again. "Feeling sad today?" he asked. You nodded meekly. "Would you like to talk about it?" he asked. You paused for a moment to think it over. You truly didn't. You wished you could keep it a secret forever, because Ten might leave you. But you also knew that the stress was taking it's toll on you. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder..." you whispered. He didn't say anything at first and you were preparing yourself for him to call you a freak and leave. Instead, he stretched his arm out and softly wrapped his pinky around yours. "I don't know much about it. But I promise I will learn," he whispered. Tears brimmed your eyes because finally, someone wasn't going to leave you.

WinWin:

You had never been much of a touchy person. Holding hands was one thing, and even then, something you weren't wholly comfortable with, but hugging was completely different. You didn't care much for hugs, especially from complete strangers that often found you rude for rejecting their hug. You barely even hugged your own family, let alone a total stranger. This was possibly what spurred on your relationship with Sicheng who, also didn't care much for physical affection, despite the fact the other members of NCT practically drowned him in it. Your relationship was just... different. At least in the minds of society because you didn't cuddle against Sicheng's chest constantly or plop down on his lap just because he was sitting down. Instead, you preferred wrapping your pinky around his or draping one of his sweaters over your shoulders. This worked for the two of you though others found it strange. However, there was an anomaly that Sicheng, though you had been together for a little over two years, had no idea about. This anomaly included the fact that sometimes, you liked hugs. Sometimes, all you wanted to do was drape yourself over your boyfriends lap and let him hold you until your mind screamed at you for the overload of affection. Sometimes you wanted him to wrap his arms around you in bed and fall asleep with you on his chest. That's what happens when you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and it wouldn't have been that big of a deal if Sicheng had known, but he didn't. It started out you longing to keep it a secret in the early days of your relationship. It wasn't something you advertised very often. However, as your relationship progressed, you knew you should have told him, but as five months turned into six, it became a crushing weight of guilt for not telling him in the beginning. Sicheng had already invested a lot of time and love in the relationship when you had not been wholly honest with him. And the more time that passed, the harder it was for you to get the words out. At this point, it wasn't even your fear of rejection because of the disorder, it was a nagging fear that your dishonesty about the disorder would drive him away from you. That would truly be a crushing point. However, as Sicheng began spending more nights at your apartment, it was getting increasingly harder to hide, especially as your mood dropped or when you suddenly began to crave affection. Times like today. The moment you'd rolled out of bed, you knew you needed some type of affection, but as Sicheng made no advance to give it to you throughout the day, your mood dropped. It really wasn't his fault. He had no idea how you were feeling, but as you finally had had enough and wrapped your arms around him from behind while he was washing the dishes after dinner, you felt him stiffen before grabbing a towel to dry his hands. "What's up with you today?" The question was an honest one, but it still felt as though you were making him uncomfortable by touching him. As your arms slacked from around him, a tear sprang to your eye but you were quick to wipe it away as he turned to face you. "I need to tell you something..." Your voice was wavering. You had no idea how he would respond. He nodded for you to continue, one of his hands gently taking hold of yours, playing with your fingers as a soft sense of relief washed through you. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder." His once blank face morphed into one of confusion. "What's that?" he asked tentatively. You sighed. You had been expecting the question but that didn't make it any easier to define. "Its like having mood swings. One day I feel happy the other sad... Sometimes anti-hugs, sometimes super affectionate." You could tell he was still confused, but as he nodded and wrapped his arms around your body, drawing you against his tall frame, you let out a shuddered breath, body relaxing against him.

Lucas:

Books were never Yukhei's strong suit. He preferred numbers and basic information plotted out clearly in front of him. Books were too all over the place with too much information. He wished they could be like websites that gave him the briefest of explanations with a "read more" feature. Yet here he was, flipping through slightly crinkled pages because he wanted to truly understand, and books were always credited with having the most information. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder," you had explained earlier that day when you had ducked out of the way of one of his mega bear hugs and proceeded to slump your shoulders and beg him to give you time alone. You'd locked yourself in your shared bedroom after that and, although you had texted him to apologize for your behavior, you added that today was just an off day, your disorder really affecting your mood. "Well how can I help?" he had asked. It was your response that prompted him here, pouring over books in the local library hoping to find anything that would help him understand Borderline Personality Disorder in the best way possible. As he flipped through pages and learned, he had begun to feel several different emotions. On one end, he felt sorry that you'd had to go through the disorder alone, but on the other, he questioned why you'd never told him, even after a year of being together. However, a big part of him wondered if maybe you had been telling him, just without words, especially because you'd never tried to hide any of your mood swings. He'd just always assumed you were on your period. As the hours ticked away, Yukhei's eyes remained glued to the startlingly dry books stacked up around him, but as he learned more about the disorder and, by default, more about you, he couldn't seem to stop. At least not until his phone vibrated in his pocket and, as he fished it out, your smiling face met his eyes. He answered the facetime request and gave you a tired smile that quickly morphed into concern when he noticed your bloodshot eyes. "Baby? What's wrong? Did something happen?" "My boyfriend left me! That's what happened!" Were you... pouting? "I didn't leave baby, I'm at the library." Confusion flashed across your face. "Why?" "To learn more about Borderline Personality Disorder." A giggle erupted from your lips and Yukhei sure was glad to hear it, especially after reading texts about BPD leading to depression. "Why didn't you just google it?" His mouth gaped open as he dramatically clutched his chest. "Googling something so important in my significant other's life?! That's scandalous! I should do enough research to write my own 20-page essay!" This time, it was a full blown laugh. "You're a dork!" "I'm your dork!" "Well come home, dork! There's a lot we have to discuss!" Your smiling face alleviated any fears that may have been swirling around Yukhei's chest. With a nod, he slammed a book shut so hard it send a loud, slamming bang throughout the library, prompting nasty looks sent his way. Sheepishly, he waved them off and stood up. "I'll be home soon," he promised, blowing you a kiss before hanging up. Yukhei had taken the hastily thrown news a lot better than you'd expected. You knew he couldn't have learned everything, specifically because it varied person to person, but you knew that he would be there for you, even on your bad days. And that was all you could ask for.

Xiaojun:

Dejun was incredibly perceptive, even if he was incredibly dumb sometimes. He could tell when you weren't quite feeling yourself, even though he often didn't know what was causing it. It was at those times that he did everything he could to put a smile back on your face and make you feel "normal" again. He didn't understand how counter productive that actually was. It was really your fault. You were the one keeping secrets, but as the smile fell from your face the second Dejun traded the couch for the shower, you couldn't help but think that maybe he simply preferred you to be happy rather than deal with you when you weren't. Somewhere in the back of your head, you knew he was just doing what he thought would help, but now, especially in your state of mind, you couldn't shake the aching feeling in your head. "Hey, are there towels- are you crying?" Dejun's voice yanked you out of your thoughts and you brought your hands to your cheeks, rapidly trying to wipe away the clear droplets painting your face, but it was too late. Dejun had already seen. He was shirtless when he perched on the couch beside you, face etched in concern. He opened his mouth, likely to retort off some lame dad joke or tell you some funny story you'd heard a thousand times. "Can you not?" You hadn't meant to snap. The words had simply flown out before you'd had the chance to them. His face fell into a pout that you knew you often fell for, but today, it only upset you more. "Stop Dejun!" The pout fell away. "Stop what? I'm not doing anything!" "You're trying to make me smile!" He blinked, staring at you for a moment. "That's a bad thing?!" You sighed, slumping against the couch cushions, resigning yourself to the fact that he didn't understand. Then again, you didn't let him understand. "Just tell me why I'm upsetting you," he begged, all traces of bad humor gone, replaced with sincerity. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder! My mood fluctuates! And when you try to make me smile when I'm sad or mad makes me feel like you don't like me when I'm not always happy. But I can't always be happy." He stared at you in shock for a moment, mouth opening and closing as if he didn't know how to respond. An appropriate response, you supposed. You'd been friends for a while now and dating for several months, yet this was the first time you'd told him. You were about to get up from the couch, sighing as he didn't respond after several minutes, when he placed a hand on your thigh to stop you. "Why didn't you tell me?" You shrugged. It wasn't that simple. "Can you tell me the best ways to comfort you?" Again, you shrugged. A sigh released from his mouth and your head hung low. "I'm going to do some research. As your boyfriend, I want to make sure I'm making you feel better, not worse. So, while I'm doing that, I also need you to tell me if something I'm doing is making you feel worse. Can you do that for me?" His words were sincere, his intentions true. Another tear fell from your eye, dropping against your cheek, but a smile broke out across your face. "Thank you for caring," you whispered. He pulled you onto his lap and pressed a soft kiss to the nape of your neck. "Always."

Hendery:

Waking up this morning had been such a struggle, even as the delightful scent of your boyfriends cooking wafted under the cracks of the door, greeting you. Usually, this would rouse you from your slumber, prompting you to creep into the kitchen and sneak a taste of the delightful breakfast. Today, however, you rolled over in the blankets and pulled the duvet over your head. Today was a lay in bed day, you just hoped your boyfriend would accept that. "Come on sleepy head! It's time to wake up!" Kunhang's annoyingly chipper voice spouted, pulling you from the confines of sleep in a less pleasant way. "No," you groaned, rolling over, burying your face deeper into the pillow. "Come on! Breakfast is ready!" He pulled the blankets off your body and you let out a loud hiss, eyes turning to bore into him. "I said no!" He dropped the blanket and backed off, lifting his hands in surrender, but you could tell he had questions. You never acted like this. "What's wrong?" You grunted, not responding, turning away from him, but he wasn't having it. "Yah! I asked you a question!" he pouted at being ignored. A growl whipped it's way from your throat. "Go look up BPD," you snapped. You could tell that he had more questions, but, after a long moment, he seemed to think better of asking them and, instead, made his way out of the room, leaving you to fall back asleep. It had to have been a few hours later when you were waking up on your own this time, the anger you had felt earlier completely gone now, replaced with your normal, chipper self. You turned over to look at Kunhang's side, releasing he wasn't there and the memories came flooding back to you along with a strong wave of guilt. You shouldn't have treated Kunhang the way you did. There was nothing out of the ordinary with the way he'd reacted to your sleeping for. With a sigh, you threw your legs over the side of the bed and stood up, padding over the floors to the door. You made your way out of the bedroom and down the hall, finding Kunhang sitting on the couch, television with the volume turned down, playing some movie he didn't look too interested in. As the floor creaked slightly under your feet, his attention shifted from the television to you and he was quick to shut off the device. "How are you feeling?" he asked. Your heart dropped into your stomach. Had you really affected him? "I'm sorry for how I reacted..." you mumbled. A sigh rolled past his lips as he patted the couch next to him. You made your way to him, flopping beside him, but keeping your distance, at least until he pulled you against his side. "I understand why you did after looking up Borderinel Personality Disorder," he said. "But you couldn't have expected me to know without knowing." With a nod, you hung your head. "Why didn't you tell me?" "I thought you wouldn't like me if you knew I had a disorder..." you mumbled. Saying it out loud, it felt ridiculous. You knew he loved you. The fact that he waited for you to wake up even after how you'd treated him proved that. But it had been a fear nevertheless. "Now that I know, I can help you rather than making things worse. But in the future, please let me know. I hated watching you so upset without knowing how to help." You leaned against him, burying your face in his chest as you nodded.

YangYang:

(full fic coming soon) YangYang's youth was what truly scared you the most. He still had so much to learn. He was so naive, about some things at least. He could make you feel so good, so loved, when he'd hold you in his arms and kiss your head or when he threw himself across your lap and begged to be pet. You were scared that the second he knew the truth about you, he'd leave, or worse, treat you differently. Your older brother, Kun, had advised you to just be honest with him. To let him know when you had bad days. Yet, here you were, hiding out in your brothers bed, hoping practice would run late so YangYang wouldn't see your crestfallen face. It seemed luck wasn't on your side that day, not entirely anyway, because the door to the room opened and Kun walked in half shirtless, belt unbuckled. "Please don't strip anymore," you'd begged. The boy nearly jumped out of his skin at your words. "(y/n)?! What are you doing here?!" "I missed Yang..." "So why didn't you come to practice? You know you're welcome." Your silence was his answer and he sighed, sliding on another, not sweat-soaked shirt, and sat on the bed beside you, reaching out to gently stroke your arm. "You really should tell him," he whispered. "But what if he rejects me?" "He won't. Sis, I know him. He's not like some dirtbags you've dated in the past. And he might just be able to help you better than I can," he whispered. You knew he was right. He was always right (as annoying as it was). "Will you send him here? I don't want to get out of bed..." "Of course," he said, patting your arm one more time before getting out of bed and making his way out of the room. It was a few minutes later when a sweaty YangYang walked in, searching for your figure before sitting down beside you on Kun's bed. "You wanted to see me?" he asked. "I have Borderline Personality Disorder..." The words just rushed out before you could stop them, but you were thankful. This saved you from yourself. For a long moment, YangYang didn't say anything and you were beginning to think Kun had been wrong for once. "So that's why Kun had me do all that research..." Ok, that definitely wasn't what you were expecting. "Not long after we started dating, Kun made me do all this research on BPD. He even quizzed me once a week! I just assumed it was punishment for dating his sister!" A loud laugh fell past your lips. That was absolutely something Kun would do!

"Are you mad I didn't tell you?" you asked.

"Well, why didn't you?"

"I was afraid you'd leave me like my exes..."

"Then yes, I'm mad!" he said.

Your face dropped.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'll just have to teach you a lesson!"

With that, he threw himself on top of you, pressing his sweaty clothes against you as you shrieked, attempting to get away.

"Guys... not on my bed..."

#ficscafe #klibrary #kflixnet #kdiner #neoturtles #wayv fluff #wayv angst #wayv reactions #wayv scenarios #borderline personality disorder #kun x you #kun x y/n #kun x reader #ten x y/n #ten x you #ten x reader #winwin x reader #winwin x you #winwin x y/n #lucas x reader #lucas x you #lucas x y/n #xiaojun x reader #xiaojun x you #xiaojun x y/n #hendery x y/n #hendery x you #hendery x reader #yangyang x reader #yangyang x you

[givemewritingorgivemedeath]

An Analysis Series Pt. 2: Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over: Prelude

**TRIGGER WARNING**

This post contains language depicting addiction, drug use, trauma, sexual abuse, and rape which may be triggering for some. Please feel free to skip.

I have decided to do a reaction and slight analysis of Demi Lovato's new album Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over. It was released on April 2nd at midnight.

I will be doing the Prelude (first 3 songs) in this post. Then I will likely do The Start of Starting Over 4 songs at a time. This will be to avoid overly long posts. For some background on Demi Lovato or for a quick analysis of her Dancing with the Devil music video, you can read the first part of this series.

Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over (Prelude)

Track 1: Anyone

While Demi wrote "Anyone" before her overdose, she mentions in her docuseries that, ironically, this song describes exactly what she was feeling when she was in the hospital AFTER her overdose in July of 2018.

For me, this is almost the sequel to "Sober" released in April 2018. In "Sober", Demi admits that she is no longer sober and has been drinking alcohol; she mentions that it is becoming a problem and that she will be getting help. However, we know this didn't go to plan. In fact, after the song's release, Demi began singing "Sober" on the "Tell Me You Love Me" tour that she was on prior to the overdose. Days before her overdose, Demi "forgot" the last words of the song during a show, including "I promise I'll get help"; her docuseries alludes to the idea that she didn't forget, but was in a dark place and wasn't sure if she would be getting help from her addiction.

"Anyone" describes the state of mind that led to her relapse. She feels totally alone; she is desperate and needs help from a higher power, but she feels even God has abandoned her - "So why the fuck am I praying anyway?". She doesn't feel like she has any control of her life - "Nobody's listening to me". Demi is miserable (for many reasons discussed in the album and docuseries.) She also discusses how she used to crave everyone's attention, but she realized that what she was looking for is affection. Looking for attention only made her feel worse about herself, whether the attention is positive or negative. As she goes on press junkets about recovery and happiness, she is the most miserable she has ever been - "I feel stupid when I sing". During a show on her "Tell Me You Love Me Tour" (different from the one discussed earlier), you can hear Demi getting choked up about how important it is to live your truth and get help if you need it. At the time, the audience did not know she was no longer sober. At a show closer to the time of the overdose, Demi mentions that she no longer wants to talk about mental health during the show. While she justifies by saying that she has done it way too much, her docuseries mentions that she felt like a hypocrite preaching through a crowd about this while she was spiraling and unhappy.

She continues: Demi tries to wish on stars and pray to God to help her with this moment, but she doesn't seem to find the strength anywhere...

Track 2: Dancing with the Devil

This song, while describing the day of the overdose and how she felt, is in the perspective of the person that survived the overdose and is recounting the events. This is unlike "Anyone", which is in the perspective of before or during the overdose and is just describing her current feelings.

Verse and Chorus 1:

"Dancing with the Devil" starts with her mentioning that she started drinking, saying that if she only drinks a little, she will be okay. She didn't actually believe this, but she used this to justify her drinking because she thought that maybe she could control herself. We know from the docuseries that Demi relapsed on her sobriety because she didn't know why she was sober anymore given how miserable she still was even without the drugs. She did not mention her drug use to friends, but she did tell them that she would only do light drinking; she said she wanted to try what other people her age did, especially since she had yet to turn 21 before she got sober in 2012. We know now that she picked up the bottle and pills because she was dealing with emotional pain, not because she wanted to have a little fun; the push to drink is a big indicator of how things may turn out, especially for someone with a history of addiction.

Demi continues to try to convince others: "not like I want to do this every night." She justifies starting to drink again by saying that she's been good for 6 years and has earned the chance to have one glass of red wine. "Feels like it's worth it in my mind" could be describing that she thinks that some alcohol is worth it given what she's been going through emotionally (and physically with her eating disorder). We are explicitly told that all this is BS, and she KNOWS that it is when she says "I told you I was okay, but I was lying." She knows that this coping habit is the enemy and that she is gambling with her life and the health of her soul by falling into her addictions.

Verse and Chorus 2:

Demi begins to sing about drugs here instead of just alcohol. While verse 1 seems to be her convincing the people around her that the end of her sobriety is okay, this verse finds her trying to convince herself. We know this because her friends did not know that she was doing any kind of hard drugs during the months leading up to the overdose. She mentions how one "white line" can quickly turn into smoking a glass pipe. This verse also gives us a look at the types of drugs she is using: "tinfoil" can be used for drugs like heroin and methamphetamines. We also know from "white line" and "glass pipe" that she could also be using cocaine. Demi admits in her docuseries that she used crack-cocaine, heroin, and more during this period.

Demi continues by saying that doing these drugs already almost got the best of her. This is not the first time she thought she was going to die from doing too many drugs; Demi has come out to say that she was surprised she did not overdose the first night she relapsed after mixing drugs that she had never even done before. It is common for addicts to turn to even heavier drugs after relapse from sobriety. In the song, she says she hopes she doesn't reach the end of her life but continues doing drugs in her "twisted reality, hopeless insanity". The chorus has even more meaning after this verse: "It's so hard to say "No"" to drugs for a former addict trying to just do a "little".

Ending:

Demi mentions how she truly thought she was going to be able to stop once she started if she wanted to without getting carried away, but she knows that she is wrong and in trouble. She, again, mentions God. But this time, instead of wondering why she should even pray to Him for help, she apologizes to Him for giving in to her addictions again. Once again, she prays that he will help her find "better days" without the pain that brought her TO her drugs and the pain brought BY the drugs. She sings one final chorus, ending on and emphasizing that she is still struggling with her addiction: "It's so hard to say 'no' when you're dancing with the devil."

Track 3: ICU (Madison's Lullabye)

This track gives me so many emotions. Demi dedicated to her baby sister as a promise that she will always be there for her. It is in the perspective of Demi when she woke up in the ICU following the overdose. She heard someone calling out to her but didn't know who it was, not even recognizing the voice. Doctors realized that Demi was legally blind after suffering from 3 strokes caused by the overdose, and she wasn't able to see her little sister Madison sitting at the side of her hospital bed. For a little background, back when Demi went to rehab the first time when she was 18 years old, she was told that she would not be able to see Madison if she didn't get herself together. It ironically came full circle: she did not stop doing drugs and ended up literally unable to see her sister.

Verse 1 and Chorus:

The song starts with Demi saying that she never wanted Madison to "watch [her] fall from grace" or relapse and overdose again. "Fall from Grace" normally refers to losing admiration and respect for someone; this is the last thing Demi wants. Demi always wanted to be better for her sister; Madison says that even with all the things Demi has been through, Demi is her role model and hero. Still, Demi's lyrics mention that she wants Madison to be able to look up to her and make sure that Madison doesn't fall into the same patterns of addiction that she did. She also wants Madison to know that she wants to be by her side and be her support no matter what, even though she struggles with being a "good big sister".

The chorus begins, and you hear Demi's promise to Madison explicitly:

Tuck your hair behind your ear Until you fall asleep I'll say a prayer and keep you near You're always here with me I promise, I'll be there, don't worry

Demi mentions that Madison is always there for her, so she intends to do the same. She continues saying that she "was blind" but now she can see clearly. This is both her saying that she was wrong to make the choices that she made and that she lost her vision. She follows that up by saying "but now I see clearly, I see you." This could allude to the fact that Demi has regained her vision, though she still has blind spots. It could also mean that she recognizes where she failed and how clearly she can see how much her sister means to her and how amazing she is/how much she is to lose. The "I see you" is also, obviously, a play on ICU (or intensive care unit, the hospital unit Demi was in after the overdose.)

Verse 2, Chorus 2, and Outro:

This begins with Demi saying that although she sees herself in Madison, she knows that Madison is strong enough to not fall into Demi's destructive patterns. She believes that not only can Madison "overcome anything in [her] way" and "change the world", but she can continue to give Demi strength. She begins her promise/chorus again after telling her that Madison will always be her baby sister.

"ICU (Madison's Lullabye)" ends with Madison telling her big sister "I love you, Demi". We hear Demi respond: "I love you, too". And then in the remix, you can hear my sobbing and crying into the ether because I am so fucking emotional right now.

Side note: the Visualizer for this song is beautiful. It contains blurry and double-vision-like images of the ICU, brain images, and more, representing Demi's damaged vision following the strokes.

#demi #demi lovato #dancing with the devil #dancing with the devil the art of starting over #the art of starting over #anyone #ICU #madison's lullaby #madison lovato #i see you #demetria #ddlovato #demetria devonne lovato #demi dwtd #dwtdtaoso #dwtd #taoso #d7 #lyrics #documentary #docuseries #music video #demilovato #madison lullabye

[marveloushiddleston]

The Monster Within

English Masterlist German Masterlist

Plot: After the last fight against Thanos, the task of the remaining Avengers was done. And a new team of Avengers must now protect the Earth from a new unknown force. Together with SWORD, Wanda, Vision, Doctor Strange, Carol, Bucky, Sam and Loki, who must first prove himself on Midgard as a team and face unknown enemies. Will Loki be finally himself?

Chapter 5

"So Loki.", Stephen stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, "Well, first of all, the cut isn't too deep and won't leave a permanent scar."

"I told you I was fine," Loki said. He stretched his arms through the sleeves of his black shirt and pulled it over his shoulders, but was careful not to touch the injury.

"Well the cut isn't why you passed out, in your bloodstream I found a poison that caused your unconsciousness," Stephan explained and Loki remembered the poison that was injected into him.

"Do you have a cure for it?", Loki looked curiously at Stephen.

"Unfortunately no, it looks like the poison is not from Earth. If the poison had been administered to a normal mortal, the consequences for the person would be far more far-reaching than mere unconsciousness."

"A deadly weapon." concludes Loki, Stephan looked at him and nods in agreement.

"Yes, a it is a more than lethal weapon, whoever injected you with the poison wanted you dead or at least took it in their stride. ", Loki stood up from the couch and buttoned the buttons of his shirt.

"The man we captured administered it to me. Stephen, I ask you not to tell anyone. It seems we don't know who to trust."

"I have doctor-patient confidentiality. But even though the poison doesn't seem to be life-threatening to you anymore, since you're not human, you should still rest.", Stephen leaned against the cabinet in the small doctor's room in the tower.

"Thank you. I will.", Loki left the room before grinning mischievously.

🐍

Loki ducks as Bucky swings his metal arm over him to hit him. He slams Bucky into the left side of his back, sending him stumbling forward. Bucky and Loki turned back to each other and face each other ready to fight.

"So, what did the doc say?" asks Bucky. He catches Loki's arm as he tries to hit him in the face and stretches it behind Loki's back.

"Nothing to worry about," Loki decided it was best if he kept his knowledge to himself. For now. Until he knew more specifics. He kicked Bucky in the stomach and freed himself from his grip. Loki jumped up before hitting Bucky with a hard punch. Bucky fell backward onto the floor.

"Sorry. I've got a few things buzzing in my head," Loki offered him a hand and pulled Bucky up.

"Not too wild. But you've got a pretty heavy punch. Maybe it's better to finish training today."

Loki and Bucky left the gym and went into the elevator. Bucky pushed the button for the fifty-seventh floor by the kitchen was. Loki went to the refrigerator and grabbed two water bottles. Sam, Wanda and Vision were also in the kitchen. Wanda looked around the kitchen to set the table. She opened the kitchen cabinet with her magic and levitated six plates through the kitchen to the dining table. While Vision read the daily newspaper at the table.

"Wanda,, dear, I'm not eating.", Vision improved her and Wanda put the plate back in the cupboard. Loki tossed one of the bottles to Bucky, who caught it with no problem.

"Nah look who decided to join us for breakfast. I was beginning to think we wouldn't see you guys again until noon," Sam joked, helping Wanda prepare breakfast. Loki sat down at the table with the others and folded his hands together.

"So does anyone have any information about the attack yesterday or about the man we captured?" he asked

"Unfortunately there is not much news yet.", the team looked up and turned their gazes to the entrance of the kitchen, Catherine leaned against the door frame, "But Director Hayward said that the man has not said a single word so far during the interrogation and getting back to the attack, we were able to identify a few of the men, but they are just mercenaries, they don't belong to any organizations we know of."

"Oh the Director Hayward who also put me under house arrest for no apparent reason. Do you think he is up to this situation or position?" asked Loki jokingly concerned. Stephen looked sternly at Loki, while Bucky and Sam tried to stifle a laugh. Catherine pushed herself off the door frame and walked over to the dining room table.

"Well, how's Monica doing after the attack?" asked Wanda, motioning Catherine to sit down in the seat next to her. Before she lifted her cup of coffee and took a sip. Bucky took a bite of his toast and pushed a cup of coffee to Catherine.

"Monica is doing well regarding the situation. She didn't suffer any real damage, thankfully.", she lifted the cup as her smartphone began to ring. The phone was in the inside pocket of her leather jacket. Catherine pulled it out and read the message on the screen.

"What's going on?" asked Sam, suddenly looking worried.

"A secret SWORD base, housing the time travel technology, is under attack. Our agents are outnumbered," Catherine explained to the team, "Your help is requested."

The team dropped everything and got up from the dining table.

"I haven't even had coffee yet!" complains Bucky, following the others out of the kitchen. Loki tried to follow behind the others, but was stopped by Catherine.

"Loki, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed on the mission. Hayward's orders."

Loki stood at the windows, arms folded in front of his chest, watching his team fly away in the Quinjet. He looked over the right side of his shoulder and saw Catherine step into the room.

"So you always follow orders like a good one?" asked Loki bitingly.

"Well, I'm new to SWORD and if I directly disobey instructions, I won't be around much longer. But if you don't like my presence, I can leave.", she turns to leave. Loki realized that perhaps he had been too hard on her and it had not been particularly fair of him to judge her hastily. Loki averted his gaze from the window and turned to face her.

"You still haven't told me what you are," Catherine turns to Loki.

"I'm half Kree and half light elf."

A/N: My tag list is open, post in the comments if you want in it. And please also write me in the comments what you think of the chapter!

Tag-List: @silvers-hero-vault  @i-like-most-things-i-guess

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[mytwistedhome]

Pomefiore and Ignihyde when they find out you have Anorexia

Trigger warning to anyone who suffers with an eating disorder!!

I decided to write these headcanons because I've been having a really tough two weeks, and thinking of the twst boys makes me happy...

I hope this can maybe bring comfort to someone else, or at least provide some bit of entertainment. My intention is not to cause harm or trigger anyone. That is the last thing I want.

Other dorms will be coming as well! I already started working on all of them, but I just haven’t finished them. They will most likely be posted the next time I have a bad day //

One more quick thing: I will be posting requests this week! I’ve already broken several promises that I made in regards to the time I’d post, and I feel horribly guilty. I’m sorry for the wait. I know I shouldn’t tell you to expect something on a certain day and then delay it for weeks. I should be honest about my efficiency, and I am sorry.

I'm also sorry for not responding to message (this applies to all my blogs...) I see them, but then forget about them, and then cower away because I feel like I'm already too late. I hope this little apology is enough to suffice... I'll apologize properly to every person when I find the courage. I know I shouldn't be doing this to people who've been kind to me just because I feel unwell. Please know that I am very sorry, and I'm trying to be more responsible and less careless to those around me.

💜

Vil Shoenheit

So that's why your skin is so dry and you have bags under your eyes

He scolds you at first. He believes that you’re starving to get a good figure, and he tries to inform you that doing so is unhealthy and that being malnourished actually makes a person quite ugly.

As if you haven’t already heard all this before

You try to tell him that you’re not doing this to look good. At least, not anymore. Sure, it started out as a way to lose weight, but it soon became an obsession much more meaningful than beauty or weight-loss.

He doesn’t understand. Why would you deliberately hurt yourself like that? Especially when you’re aware of all these negative outcomes?

Nevertheless, he is still very worried about you

He wouldn't normally concern himself with such a personal problem, but he would feel so guilty if he just stood back and watched you whither away

So, he does, indeed, go out of his way to try and help you

He finds a psychology book about eating disorders in the library, and he reads it in its entirety

He is... quite disturbed. He never imagined that you could be suffering so badly.

He's smart enough to realize that he, himself, can't do anything to make you better

He encourages you to seek professional help, and he even searches for phone numbers you can call and therapists/counselors close by of whom you can see

You are really touched by his efforts to find help, and you promise him that you will see one of the counselors he recommended

But... several weeks go by, and you haven't done anything

Vil grows furious. Don’t you want help!?

He takes your lack of seeking help rather personally... He went out of his way to provide with the things he felt that you really needed. Don’t you appreciate that? Don’t you care about yourself? What more do you want him to do?

You try to tell him that you don’t want him to do anything, that you’ll find help when you’re ready--

Vil isn’t buying that

What does “ready” mean, anyways? When you’re already in the grave?

He’s a bit harsh on you... He points out the patches of dry skin along your neck and chest, the way the hairs of your arms always stand on end from goosebumps, the metallic taste in your mouth...

Are you happy with those things? Do you really want to live this way?

You try and try to explain to him that it’s hard to get help and go back to eating normally

It spirals into an argument...

Vil is done with this. He did what he could and got you the resources you need to begin recovery. Once you decide to get help, he will be there for you. He will be there whenever you reach out for support, comfort, or care. But, until then, don’t talk to him about it. Don’t complain about your misery until you have sought proper help. It’s your fault at this point, isn’t it?

Rook Hunt

He had noticed that you were very quickly losing a lot of weight

He was concerned, but he never imagined that the problem could be something so serious

You're actually surprised with just how much he's concerned. You thought that if there was anyone to romanticize such a disease, it would be him

But he seems to know more than you thought about such disorders

He begs you to get professional help, and he is quite a bit more pushy and earnest than Vil is...

You try to explain to him that no doctor or therapist could ever help unless you were READY and WANTED to be helped

Well, he doesn't understand why you don't want help

He's pushing and pushing you... begging you to seek a professional

You get so frustrated that you turn and leave. He just doesn't understand!

And now Rook is even more distressed. How will he ever get through to you? How can he ever help you?

Now, every time he sees you, he looks at you with such sorrow

He sadly remarks upon how your beauty is fading... and how he fears that your life may be fading as well

Your heart aches to hear such sincere worry... Your chest feels tighter than it normally does as you crumble with guilt

You promise yourself you'll get better... Just so you won't have to see Rook with a horribly sad expression whenever he passes you

You start eating more in front of him to ease his worry, which does work a little bit

You add about 400 more calories to your usual intake--enough so that your "recovery" becomes visible through the way you bounce with energy

But you stay up late at night, running laps and doing situps to burn off some of that intake

And you keep losing weight

In fact, it's worse now because your body is aching from the unfamiliar intake and exercise...

Well, at least you look better

At least you have Rook fooled

Or so you think. It'll only be a matter of weeks before he catches onto your schemes and grows so distressed once again

He tries to sit you down and have a talk with you... He just really wants you to get help

Epel Felmier

Poor Epel finds out after he witnesses you collapsing in the middle of the hallway when no one else is around

He panics and rushes to your side, trying to see what is wrong and how he can help you

You blacked out for several seconds, which is why you collapsed, but even though you have your vision back, everything is still very cloudy and you are too weak to stand up

This makes Epel panic even more

You try to calm him down, despite your weakness

"it's okay, Epel...! Just get me something to eat. Please, I need something to eat. Hurry!"

He is a bit confused, but he does what you say, and he rushes off to find you some food

While he is gone, you try to stand, but to no avail. Your stomach aches with hunger and you are cold all over. Your body just feels so miserable

He rushes back to you with an apple and places his hands on your shoulders in concern as you quickly eat it down

That apple... It's the best thing you've ever tasted, but it's gone too quickly, and your mouth waters for more as the last bites slide down your throat

Although it was small, it still gives your body such a blissful burst of energy. All your senses are ignited now that you have finally eaten something after such a long fast, and your head is hurting far less

You stand up and smile at Epel, thanking him graciously before turning to leave

Uuuhhhhh.... What was that?

You suddenly collapse on the ground and then are all better after eating a simple apple?

No way is Epel going to let you go just like that. He holds you back, demanding an explanation, for it surely seems you know quite a bit about this bizarre thing that just happened

You try to tell him it's nothing, just a strange thing that happened this one time

Well, then, how did you know how to fix it by eating something?

You quickly lie and tell him you get dizzy sometimes and fall due to low blood sugar

Well, now your story is inconsistent

He presses you for the truth, growing rather angry

His harsh tone begins to scare you, and you tell him... You tell him that, sometimes, you go days without eating, and it of course causes you to grow so weary that you faint

You watch as all the frustration quickly rushes away from Epel's face, leaving his eyes wide and mouth hanging open in shock

"That... That's really unhealthy..."

Oh, great. Not this speech again

But, it actually isn't a lecture about how this is such a "dangerous diet"

Instead, Epel pours out all his concern with a sad look upon his face

He knows that he can't do much, but he assures you that you can come to him if ever things become too tough to handle

You're touched by his offer, and you thank him for his understanding

But, now, everytime he's around, he watches you with care to see if you're doing alright and to make sure you don't fall over again

You hadn't expected him to worry this much...

If Epel ever thinks that things are getting out of hand, he will likely go behind your back to someone who can help for your sake

💙

Idia Shroud

He really wishes that he hadn't found out because now he can't stop worrying

This is the kind of thing that would just be easier to ignore and shut away from his mind

But how could he possibly ignore something as serious as this?

He keeps telling himself that this isn't supposed to be his issue

But... It is his issue, isn't it? If you ended up dying and he knew all along about your suffering yet did nothing to help, than that would mean that he aided in your death, right?

He's really starting to panic. He doesn't what you dead. Not at all

But... What is he supposed to do???

He calms himself down and tries to think

Perhaps if he built you a mechanical body that didn't need food this whole thing would seize to be a problem...

No, bad idea

Well, that will be his last resort if nothing else works...

He messages you and tries to plead with you to please just eat and take care of yourself...

You message back, explaining to him that it really isn't that simple

He decides to ask why you're doing this, and he tries to show through his words how much he really cares

You feel comfortable enough in telling him some of the reasons why you think you started, and why it's now so hard to stop and all you want is to continue with it...

Idia is happy that you were able to open up to him this much, but what is he really supposed to do with this information? He's no therapist...

Well, being vulnerable with you emotions and talking about the problem is at least one step in the right direction, isn't it?

Idia continues to try to be a source of comfort for you, while also encouraging you to seek proper help

Ortho Shroud

Oh, no... He can’t help you with this, can he?

Why can’t he help you? Why won’t you get better?

Surely nii-san programmed him with something that could help you...

Right...?

RIGHT!?

Why aren’t you better?

Why are you doing this to yourself!?

Ortho is a mess... so distressed. He can’t understand--he doesn’t have the capacity to understand such a disorder, and he is so frustrated that nothing he does is helping!

And he does everything

He exhausts himself trying to “fix your mind”

His eyes are wide, yellow irises shaking with misery

Knowing that you are willingly hurting yourself actually traumatizes him...

He can't wrap his head around such an awful mental illness. To him, it looks as though you're really trying to harm, hurt, and even kill yourself by your own accord

Something must be wrong with your brain, but he just doesn't know what!

The poor child is so upset. He's panicked and worried sick

And now you feel even worse

Sorry for ending on such a horrible note... I was originally going to have all the dorms, so Diasomnia would’ve come and saved the day, but I just didn’t finish them.

#tw eating things #tw eating mention #tw eating stuff #tw eating disorder #anorexia tw #tw anorexia #anorexia mention #twistedwonderland #twisted wonderland #twst #twst headcanons #twisted wonderland headcanons #headcanons #my headcanons #pomefiore #ignihyde #vil shoenheit #rook hunt #epel felmier #idia shroud #ortho shroud #this is hilarious timing because i was discussing how i think that Riddle has anorexia this morning on one of my other blogs afksbj #i guess you can tell what state if mind I'm in huh #it's okay though!! I'm getting better

[leelee10898]

Chikara: Itami (4/?)

Summary: Ellie has been saved, but how will the events of the attack effect her? Meanwhile in California, the brotherhood makes another move. The word Itami, roughly translates to pain.

Catch up HERE. As always if you'd like added to the tags, let me know. Also I apologize in advance, tumblr apparently hates the read more feature stil....

Raiting: Mature. Series contains Violence, language, death and Lemons..

Compton, California….

Ximena slipped out to her red SUV, she had it painted to try to throw the brotherhood off her trail. The night Jason was arrested she took off for Compton. An old friend had a house she could crash and lay low for a while, the only person who knew her whereabouts was Colt. With him showing up she would need to put some effort in relocating again, keeping the trail Cold. A quick trip to the 24 hour market for some groceries and she was headed back to her safe house. Not a soul in sight she slowed to a stop at the sign and signaled right. Suddenly a car with no lights came out of nowhere plowing into her car, sending it spinning around 3 times before coming to a stop.  

[[MORE]]

Ximena hit her head on the window, her body jostled around from the collision. She tried to turn the engine over to no avail. Fuck she growled, reaching for her baseball batt she kept tucked away in the back seat. She could make out two figures stepping out of the vehicle  behind her. She quickly assessed her surroundings, her only vantage point was her car stopped crooked, her passenger side a blind spot. She carefully climbed into the passenger seat, quietly opening the door and slipping out.

"Hester warned us about her, she's tough. Stay alert." She heard one of them say as she stayed hidden in the shadows. Come on. Come on. Just a little closer. she thought to herself. "The doors open, she's gone. Check the alley." The other man spoke, as she heard footsteps approaching. Lucky for her, he passed by where she was standing. Once he turned to leave she jumped out from behind the dumpster, swinging the bat at the man, he hit the ground with a thud. She took off running towards her car, the other man on her tail. He lunged at her, grabbing her waist. He was larger than her, not giving her much advantage she struggled against the man finally wriggling free. "You son of a bitch." She swung her arm, the man ducking and landing a blow to her side.

Ximena clutched her side, fire raging through her veins, "big mistake asshole." She reached out grabbing the thug by this neck, bringing her free hand up to punch him in the jaw. The man struggled against her as She backed him up against the wall, pushing him up against it with force, knocking him out cold.  Rushing to her car she climbed in the passenger side, settling behind the wheel. "Come on. Come on." She grunted turning the key, as the engine sputtered. She noticed the other man emerging from the alley way, wielding a baseball bat. Finally the engine roared to life, the man jumped in front of the car, ximena clipped him with the passenger side,  sending him flying backwards.

She picked up her phone, frantically searching for a number.  "Colt. Its ximena, i'm on my way to you.. and your plan, I want in."

New York……

Ellie laid in the hospital bed, still unconscious. The nurses and doctors had left the room, leaving only Nick and her. After answering numerous questions by hospital staff and the cops, he was finally given permission to see her. When Ellie told him she was leaving the party, he was so caught up in the fact she put him in the friendzone, then worry about her safety. After a moment to compose himself, he mentally reprimanded himself for allowing a beautiful girl like herself to walk home alone, and so he set out to trail behind her. He only found her as she darted into a dead end alley, a figure following behind her. By the time he had reached her, she laid barely conscious as he grabbed the assailant off of her, and beat him until he passed out. He called 911 reporting the incident, and Ellie and the assailant were taken to the hospital.  

He was able to get into her phone and give the hospital her dads number. His memory reaching back to the image on her wallpaper, the boy with the leather jacket, dark hair and eyes, his arm wrapped around her waist. He knew he must have been something special to her, the fact made him a little jealous.  He stood next to her bed "Ellie, I need you to wake up. I need you to be ok." He spoke as he noticed her hand started to move. Slowly she opened her eyes, an audible gasp escaped her as she began to panic. "Ellie. Ellie, hey its ok you're ok." She looked over to Nick, relief and confusion on her face. "Nick? Where. Where am I? She whispered. "You're at the hospital, do you remember what happened?" She nodded her head, lifting her arm that was free from wires and iv lines to the back of her head.

"The brotherhood." She whispered.  Nick snapped his head to look at her "what did you say?" A nurse walked in "oh miss wheeler, glad you're awake. Im Nadia, I'll be the nurse taking care of you." She walked over assessing her. "Well everything looks good, however they do want to keep you overnight for observation. And there is a couple police officers who would like to speak to you." Ellie nodded as the nurse left the room, a minute later tow officers walked in.

"Hello miss Wheer, im officer grubbs. This is officer Davis" he motioned to the man standing next to him.  "we would like to ask you a few questions about what happened."

Ellie began to tell them how she had left a party to walk home by herself, when she was followed and cornered in an alley and then attacked by the man. "I see, and do you know the person who attacked you, had you ever seen him before?" Ellie shook her head "No. He said that Jason Shaw sent him to get rid of me. I have never seen him before tonight."

Officer Davis approached her "Had you been drinking at this party?" Ellie looked at the officer shocked.  "I had one cup of punch, hours before I left the party."

"So you're saying your judgment could be clouded by Alcohol consumption. " Davis smirked slightly.

"No. I'm saying that man followed me into an alley with every intention to kill me." Ellie bagam to tear up, frustrated by the turn of events.

"Kill is such a strong word. Were there any witnesses? The way we're told is you two have a history and your jealous boyfriend here stepped in while he was trying to save you."

"Davis!" Officer Grubbs warned.

"No. That's not what happened at all. I don't know him." Ellie sobbed.

Nick stood up from his chair "Hey, that asshole was attacking my friend.  He's the one you should be grilling, not Ellie."

Davis laughed out "ok casanova, calm yourself."

"I'm sorry miss wheeler if this had upset you. I have your statement, he will see a closed circuit judge." Grubbs spoke with a soothing voice.

"What. What will happen to him?" Davis gave her a  wicked smirk, Grubbs more sympathetic.

"He will be charged with assault, however he already has someone trying to post bail."

"B- bail? No. No no no, He's working for the brotherhood. Jason Shaw sent him to kill me. Check the FBIs wanted list, you cant let him go." Ellie sobbed out.

Davis gave her a smirk and walked out the door, in that moment she knew he was in their pocket. Grubbs walked up placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Im sorry Ellie, the best advice I can give you is to file a no contact order against him. I wish there was more we could hold him on." He gave her a sad smile and walked out the door.

Ellie began to panic, Jason wouldn't stop until he got what he wanted, revenge on her for taking him down. "My dad. I need to call my dad." She tried to get out of bed. "Hey, hey calm down Ellie. The hospital called your dad, he's on his way here." Nick assured her as he wrapped his arms around her small shaking frame. "Ellie, it's going to be ok. It's all going to be ok." Nick assured her in a soothing voice, calming her down. Something about the way he spoke was so familiar and she realized it was the same reassuring, soft tone Colt took with her it made her heart ache.

They sat there like that for a while, until the nurse came in telling them they were moving Ellie to a bed in the main hospital and Nick had to leave. That night Ellie struggled to find a good night's sleep, she tossed and turned until exhaustion took over.

Jason looked at her,  a maniacal smile that bared his teeth, chilling her to the bone. "I told you Ellie, Do as I say and nobody gets hurt. It's a shame you didn't listen."  Colts limp body sat hunched over in the chair, clinging between life and death. She tried to scream but her voice failed her, instead she sobbed out a pleading cry as he sauntered over to Colt. "Please. Please no." She managed to get out. "Such a sweet, innocent little thing still.  To bad that delicate skin is going to be your undoing. Say bye bye to lover boy." Jason lifted his hand pulling the trigger.

"Colt….." she Jerked up in bed, screaming as a constant flow of tears streamed her face. She looked around the room,  still in the hospital, alone. No Jason, no Colt, just her completely and utterly alone. The events of the past day wearing her down, He was supposed to keep her safe,  he told her going to Langston would keep her safe and it didn't. He failed to keep her safe, and he failed to do what he promised he would, Love her. Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft rapp at the door. A petite brunette nurse peeked her head in. "Ellie, Its early and we usually don't allow visitors at this hour, but someone wants to see you." Her eyes landed on her dad, he quickly crossed the room throwing his arms around her.  "Oh Ellie. Oh thank god you're ok." He breathed a sigh of relief. "Im ok. She flinched, her body sore from the attack. "If something happened to you Ellie, I don't. I don't know what I would do."

"Im alive." Her tone with a hint of harshness to it. She was angry at Colt for his failed promises,  it wasn't until her father came that she realized she was angry at him too.

"What's wrong Ellie? You seem a little angry." Her dad pulled back, sensing her tone. She sat there, silent for a moment he expression unreadable. "Why didn't you tell me Jason wasn't in jail?"

Her dad, caught off guard by her question doubled back. "Ellie…"

"Dad! Why didn't you tell me?" She demanded.  She was angry, much more than she thought.

"I. Was just trying to protect you." His voice soft, maybe a hint of shame in it.

"Right, because I'm this delicate little flower that everyone thinks cant handle the tough stuff." She scoffed.

"I wanted you to focus on school. The farther you were from this, the safer. " her father reached for her hand, she pulled it back quickly. "Well, look how well that worked out." She rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty tired dad. I think im going to get some rest. You should go get some sleep too. I'll see you later."  Her dad looked at her with a sadness that screamed heartbreak but he nodded anyway. "Ok. Get some sleep, I love you Ellie." He leaned over giving her a soft kiss. "Love you too, dad."

Once the door closed she tossed herself on the bed.  Jason's words from her dream running through her head. Too bad that delicate skin is going to be your undoing. She was soft, everyone seen her as a softie who needed saving, who couldn't get the job done. She was weak, meaningless and useless and that had to change. As she laid there she felt the darkness creep over, no longer would she be weak, useless, the girl who always needed saving. She wouldn't allow Jason to pull her puppet strings anymore.  he was going down once and for all, and she was going to be the one to do it. No matter what it took.

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ROD

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#chikara rod fan fic #choices ride or die #choices ride or die: a bad boy romance #leelee10898 fan fic #colt x ellie #colt kaneko #rod colt #ellie wheeler #ximena rod #lemons

[angelynegulay]

PRE-TEST

MULTIPLE CHOICE

1. Why do you pray?

a. To give thanks

b. To ask for forgiveness

c. To ask for something

2. How often do you pray?

a. Every day

b. Sometimes

c. Only when I remember

2. When do you usually pray?

a. Whenever I’m sad, mad, problematic etc.

b. Whenever I need something

c. Whenever I want to give thanks

4. Do you always get what you have prayed for?

a. Yes

b. No

c. Not all the time

5. What do you do when you didn’t get what you have prayed for?

a. I stop praying

b. I get mad to God

c. I will keep on praying

d. I will accept what God wants it to be

God's Plan

While I'm standing outside the church, I suddenly saw the seven year old me and my mom playing on the grass.

"Luna, can you stay here for a while? I promise that I will be back, I just need to do something important." My mom said while crying. The little me hugs my mom.

"Will you stop crying if I stay here?" Then my mom nodded, still crying. "Then I'll stay so stop crying mom" I said while hugging her.

As days passes by I keep praying everyday and every night that my mom will come back for me, but as I grow older I stopped praying because I already realized that she will not come back anymore.

I wiped my tears as I walk towards the door. The first person that I saw is my foster parents, then Mrs. Ernest, the mother of my former patient Abby. She was so kind and jolly as a kid. She brightens the whole hospital whenever she wanders around in her

wheelchair. She didn't mind her almost bald- falling hair or her pale skin because of her brain tumor. I became close to her like a big sister. As her condition gets worse, I pray to God to save her life; to let her see the bright future ahead of her, but she still died with a sweet smile plastered on her face.

As I continue to walk down the aisle, my eyes are fixed to the man in front. I smiled at him as the memories of him flashes back. He was the first man who makes my heart flutter just by seeing his smile. He is the first man who stayed with me when no one else did. He makes me feel like I am the best. But our relationship was been tested by God. I remembered praying to God to make our relationship work because what I only believe that time was Shaun and I will be with each other ‘till the end. But God’s plan isn’t the same as mine.

Now as I reach my designated seat, all the people rise and look at the beautiful bride as she walks down the aisle with joy and contentment on her face. I am happy for them even if their happiness caused me pain. I know that God has better plan for me. He always does. And He never fails.

Just like when my mom left me to this church. He didn't grant my prayer, He wanted me to be a daughter of two most loving and amazing parents in the world.

Also, about what happened to Abby, God didn't want her to suffer more that she already has. And she's in a better place now, without syringe that causes her pain every day.

After I give my greetings to the married couple I left the church. As much as I want to stay, I have parents to attend to, and though I’m happy for them, three long years in relationship is not a joke

While I'm passing by the street, an old woman—who looks very familiar— came to me.

“Hey lady, would you like to buy some of this?” she asked while lifting the sampaguita hat she’s selling.

Shock is an understatement of what I am feeling right now. I can still remember those eyes of her, those wide brown eyes, thin lips, and the necklace that I made for her after so many years. My eyes watered in an instant.

“Can I ask where did you get that necklace of yours?”

“Oh, this?” she asked as she holds her necklace. I nodded.

“This was made my daughter. Isn’t it pretty?” she said with happiness in her eyes.

I guess she doesn't have a clue who is in front of her right now. I just hugged her tightly and saying my heartfelt gratitude to God.

"Mom, can't you remember me?" I said looking directly into her eyes,

"Luna? Is that you!? My daughter Luna?" She sobbed.

"Oh God, I missed you so much!"

"Come on mom; let's go to my house to talk." I guided her to my car.

Inside my house, she told me everything. That she thought that leaving me was the best choice to give me a better life, and it turns out, she's right. Our life back then was so hard being my mom was a housekeeper and my dad died because of sickness.

But her life didn't get better. She strives to live every day. And I feel so awful hearing that. I thought of letting her meet my foster parents sometime, but for now want to enjoy the warmth of my mother's touch. The touch I’ve been longing feel for 20 years.

This is the day that my mom and my foster parents will meet. I'm not nervous because I know that they would get along well. And it turned out the way I wanted it to be. They became friends as soon as they talked about me, which is by the way humiliating and at the same time hilarious. No words can ever describe what I'm feeling right now. Seeing the most treasured people in my life, having fun- I'm just lost of words.

My mom lives with me now. I am very contented to what my life has become, but God looks like He's not done with my life yet.

I’m on a one month medical mission. Carrying boxes of medicines, suddenly someone took it from me.

"These boxes are heavy to be in the hands of a girl." the stranger said

"I can handle this." I said, trying to contain my irritation.

"Luna!" someone called me

"Hey Mrs. Ernest, it's so nice seeing you here. Did you volunteer?"

"Oh yes, I see that you already met my son, Nathan? He always do volunteer works like this."

"Wait. Luna?" Nathan buts in

"Luna. Abby's doctor?" he asked with an emotion I can't decipher.

"Uh, yes. Is there any problem?" I asked, confused.

"Soooo, Luna let's go over there, we have so much to talk about." then Mrs' Ernest leads me to somewhere.

She told me a lot of things. I'm glad that she seems fine after what happened to Abby, but me? I honestly sometime thought about it before my sleep. I just feel guilty for not being able to save her life.

"Mrs. Ernest? Why does Nathan looks mad at me?" I asked

"He-he's not yet move on from Abby's death. He and Abby were so close back then, they're inseparable." she said looking happy to memories.

"So he blames me for what happened to Abby?"

"No! Of course not Luna. He just needs more time." she said, holding my hand.

I can't believe I've met Abby's brother. She always told me stories about his older brother. The way he admires her brother and the evident joy in her eyes, it's priceless.

Now, I kind of feel responsible for his feelings. I want to help him move on from Abby's death. If I can't save Abby, I will sav e her brother for Abby's sake.

From this day, I tried to be close to him, but he always makes it difficult for me. He always finds a way to avoid me or to have an excuse whenever I'm talking to him. So I try again, again, and again. Until one day, he ran out of lame excuses. Finally!

"Nathan, can we talk?"

"We’re already talking. Aren't we?" he said

"Okay. I just want to say that I'm sorry for what happened to Abby. I'm sorry that I can't save her. I'm sorry that she died. I'm so sorry. You can't imagine how guilt eats me at night. How her smile flashes in my mind and how I try to revive her. You don't know what it feels when someone died in your hands. She's like a sister to me and I'm hurting too." I cried, remembering that dreadful day.

Nathan hugged me "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I blamed you the whole time. I didn't have any idea what you've been through. I'm sorry, Luna."

Since that day, we always talk about Abby. We became friends. We hang out after my shift was over. Then he will bring me home. That goes on for six months. Then he courted me, and I said yes, and that's it!

One time, he invited me to come to their house, Mrs. Ernest is cooking lunch. While we're eating Mrs. Ernest gave us a letter- Abby's letter.

Dear God,

Good morning God! I'm not feeling well again today. So I just want to ask you for a wish. Not for me, but for my brother Nathan. He always taking care of me, but I'm feeling sleepy the longer I stay awake. I want to make sure that he’s okay.

So here's my wish God, I wish my brother can have a girlfriend, a kind one. I wish his girlfriend is Doctor Luna. She is kind, sweet, and funny. I like her very much.

That's my wish God. Please grant it.

Love, Abby

The three of us stayed quiet for a while.

"God is really great. Looks like He already granted Abby's wish." Nathan said, holding my hand.

"What?" Mrs. Ernest looks lost for awhile and suddenly a bright smile formed her lips

"You're together?!" we nodded

"I'm happy for the both of you!" Mrs. Ernest hugged us.

We went to Abby's grave and told her the news.

"How come I didn't see you visit her?" I asked. I've been thinking about this for a while

"I haven't. She doesn't allow me to. We just talk through video chat. She would wear wig and make up to cover her pale face and hair. She didn't want me to see her hurting." he said, tearing up.

Now, I'm glad that God didn't grant my prayer back then. If He does, I wouldn't probably feel this kind of joy-a genuine one. If God allowed my past relationship work, I wouldn't have met this wonderful man.

After all the pain I've been through, I am finally here, standing inside the church where it all started. Seeing all the people I cherish, wearing the gown that I've been dreaming, saying our I do's and promises and looking into the eyes of the man that was given to me by God.

"We may never know what God has planned for us, but for sure it's worth the wait."— author

POST-TEST

ESSAY

1. What do you think is the lesson to the story?

2.Have you experienced praying for something and didn’t get it? What is it?

3. What happened after you didn’t get what you have prayed for?

4. After not getting what you’ve prayed for, will you act and think the same way like Luna in the story? Why or Why not?

5. Do you believe that God has better plan for you? Why or Why not?

6. Is praying only an obligation or a free will? Why?

7. In your own opinion, why does God give His people problem? Is it necessary? Why?

8. Why do you think Luna still have her faith in God despite her hardship?

9. If you were Nathan, what would you feel toward Luna? Will you forgive her? Why?

10. If you were Luna’s mother, will you do the same thing that she did? Why or Why not?

[ae-diaries]

My Life Testimony

Warning: Long post ahead

The content of this blog has me holding a secret I've kept hidden for a long time. I'm a bit hesitant to share my personal story because others (who knew me already) may be shocked or turned off 😅, but hopefully, the thoughts would bless someone and help you face your weaknesses and rise above them. This is a celebration of the greatest miracle I received from God. I never thought that miracle was real, until circumstances proved that it is possible. 

Foremost in my mind is when I was a high school kid. My life was symbolized by the microphone; I’d been exposed to sing in front of a crowd, be it in school or amateur singing contests. It's not to boast but it felt like I was a singing sensation back then, others dubbed me as 'songbird', 'sweet nightingale' to name a few 🤣. But when no one's looking, I felt, for lack of a better description, just off. This was caused by a certain physical condition that tear down my self-image. 

It all began when my mother noticed that I had an uneven shoulders when I was 13 years old. Later on, I was diagnosed with scoliosis measuring a 20-degree curve, and so my doctor from PGH gave me various stretching exercises and required me to wear a brace to prevent the curve from worsening or else surgery awaits me.

I freaked out inside. At the back of my mind, I wondered, “Why me?”. From then on, a hidden scar symbolizes my 'private' life. People might not notice it, but really I was riddled with inferiority complex and lack of self-worth. Nakakaiyak isipin, imagine ako lang bukod tanging estudyante sa private skul na may ganitong klaseng kundisyon. How I pitied myself. Parang ayoko nang lumabas. Hiyang hiya ako. 

I usually cried and pahirapan pa every time my mother would be putting the brace into my body, kabilinbilinan niya wag ko daw aalisin para daw mapabilis paggaling ko, but there was this one time, while I was on my way to school, naisipan kong dumaan muna sa haus ng classmate ko para lang ipatago yung brace ko. And it happened many times. Ang bigat nyang dalhin, di lang sa katawan kundi pati narin sa kalooban. Later on, they found out what I was doing, until wala na silang nagawa sa tigas ng ulo ko. Fortunately, my classmates did not bully me in school; however, I was still very conscious and afraid that my crush would see me like a bionic kid. To this day, I have never told my parents about this reason. You know as a teenager, I was overly sensitive by the opinion of others. And that's all that matters to me. I didn't think of the consequences of this action. 

Fast forward to 2012, sabi nila end of the world na this year (according to Mayan calendar), feeling ko katapusan ko nadin when I went back to the doctor and learned that the deformity progressed to over 50 degrees. Reality finally hit me! A major surgery was needed to correct my S-curved spine. Why I didn't just wear that darn thing? I must admit nagpabaya ako as I was trying to live like a normal kid. At that time, I was already employed in my first job so I filed for a two-month leave. Luckily, my very understanding boss approved it. I also had an amazing orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Teodoro Castro, who explained to me the procedure (though it was as clear as mud to me). He was very reassuring, so I didn't get scared. 

And when he asked, "Kelan mo gusto magpa-opera?," Without a second thought, I replied, "Kahit po bukas na doc!". My thoughts were, "If not now, when pa?"( I felt like I was running out of time.) His eyes bulged upon hearing my immediate response! And so he set the schedule to May 16, 1 p.m (which I spent at Sta. Teresita General Hospital in Quezon City). 

It was exciting, really, though it had 'Final Destination' feels. Andaming 'what ifs', what if di ako maka-survive? Bigla kong naisip talagang 'life is short' at ang dami ko pa palang di nagagawa sa mundong ibabaw such as makapag-serve kay God through joining a spiritual ministry, to travel for a cause, makapag-abroad, makakanta sa tv, makita si Regine & Sarah, magamit license ko to teach students, maigala ang magulang ko, and to have my own family. Sana magawa ko pa ang mga ito after post-op. 

More so, I felt my family's collective fear; I could actually hear the loud beating of my parents' chest when they signed the waiver 🤣. My father had worries that my voice might deteriorate after the operation. Laying in my bed and knowing that I may be that close to dying, I delivered my prayer of surrender to God and remained fearless. The comforting lyrics of 'You made me Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson became my fight song while in the hospital.

Waking up after the operation was the highlight. Being groggy from the anesthesia, I opened my eyes, feeling like it's just a continuation of my short sleep. I saw the nurses and my family - patiently waiting for me to wake up for almost 6 hours na daw. The first thing I asked was, "Tapos na?" (many times). I felt a huge sigh of relief when they uttered the words that struck me to the core, "Oo, tapos na." S*** I couldn't believe my ears; I was flying with joy! For years I have prayed for this miracle. I wanted to shout and do any dance challenge, 🤣 but how could I do that? They were preventing me from talking yet or make any movements because a mask was surrounding my nose and a lot of apparatuses were attached to my body. Later on, I learned that my younger brother cried after seeing me survived the operation. May kadramahan din pala si brother na lagi kong kabangayan 😂. While the success of my operation wouldn't be possible if it weren't for the assistance provided by my father's company, DMCI Corp. That's why I'll always be indebted to their big boss, VAC (May his soul rest in peace).

My healing lasted for almost nine months. I never suffered from complications, just pure torture and regrets na sana di nalang ako nagpa-opera (huhu). This is no exaggeration but dinaig ko pa talaga ang na-cesarean. On the first month after my operation, I became disabled and reached levels of pain I thought never existed in human experience: It was difficult to breath; I could not stand and walk on my own; I became excessively skinny because of drug intake - this was a legal drug prescribed by my doctor which can remove the pain only for 4-6 hrs. It felt so pathetic and frustrating to see myself in front of the mirror. No matter how much I tried to be positive, my insecurities gripped me down again and again to the point of questioning God: "Is there a hope for me?", 

"How come others could breathe and walk so well? During these times, inggit na inggit ako sa mga taong nakakalakad at nakakahinga ng maluwag. Feeling ko life is so unfair. Somewhere deep inside, I believed I was ugly, that He really didn't like me and it was His punishment for all the sins I did in the past. As I poured out my grief before God, a question popped in my head: “Mira, give me reasons why you should remain grateful?.”

“Seriously, how can I be grateful in times like this?.”

But in those agonizing moments, a light of hope from my parents’ eyes illuminates my darkness. 

In all the times that I cried and complained, I never saw them get too tired to feed me or serve me even if it would make them uncomfortable to make me comfortable. I couldn't imagine how they felt when I looked down on myself. Aside from my parents, my siblings, concerned relatives and genuine friends also never left my side. It's as if they became my extra pair of legs when mine refuse to walk. And my heart is full of gratitude today because they have loved me during the times that I didn't love myself. 

I'm living a normal life now as if nothing happened but others observed that except for my angelic voice 🤣, I tend to become forgetful and a little bit of deaf (Yes to this level) - this was probably caused by my extra dose of antibiotics intake 🤣. They noticed that I walk with lightning speed, as if may hinahabol daw ako lagi - maybe subconsciously, this has something to do with my life goals. Yes, I do get tired easier that's why there are some things that I must not do such as lifting heavy objects, sport activities (except for swimming), washing a mountain of clothes 🤣, bawal ma-stress and ma-exposed sa extreme cold places 😅.

As they say, true wisdom is learning from your shortcomings. For everything that I'd been through, I realized that there's a lesson hidden underneath the pain and it was God's way for me to:

(1) strengthen my faith - It was through this difficult times that I also underwent a 'spiritual surgery/enlightenment'. It has helped me find my stride in God and pray like I have never prayed before (for I know nakalimot ako). I didn't know all His plans but surely He was turning my brokenness into greatness. 

(2) love myself, invest in my relationships and create good memories - The whole discernment gave me the courage to keep progressing. I began to accept my imperfections, pick up my self-esteem, and do the things I haven't done before: Much is to be done but so far, I already saw Miss Regine and Sarah in person, traveled to different places, got to teach students in schools, treat my parents - brought  them to concerts and resto; spent midnight snacks and watched movies with my siblings; hang-out with friends; reunited with a long lost friend; restored a broken relationship, and tried to forgive someone;

(3) appreciate the fine details of life - More and more, my wishes become simpler. I realized there is more to life than any material thing could give, and that is getting enough oxygen and optimal healing to every organ in my body. Sobra kong na-appreciate ang buhay ko, especially the air I breathe, and the legs that carry me everywhere.

Eto lang sapat na 'to be happy'. Why did I fail to notice this before? And that's also what I want to ask you, when was the last time you were thankful for the air around you? True to what they say, the best things in life are free, but the problem is we're not contented with what we have and complicate rules to experiencing happiness: “I will be happy only if I’ll be able to upgrade my phone, buy a latest collection of chanel bag, wear a new pair of sketchers shoes..” And I'm so guilty of it because I once was a shoppaholic before that I forgot to remember how 'enough' I truly have.   

As I look back, hagulhol nako sa iyak - there were tears in my eyes, but they were no longer tears of pain but tears of gratitude - thinking how would I survive without the amazing people in my life.

I believe that God wants me to write this article so that I could speak for Him and claim that today, I can go out without any worries because I'm no longer ashamed of the scar life has left me with. It's a blessing in disguise; a sign that I conquered pain and fear. Wala na sigurong pagsubok na di ko kakayanin dahil kinaya ko na yung 'pinakamahirap' because truly, life is about not giving up and trying to fix yourself up after every fall. 

I cannot make the scar disappear but by looking at it, I see a testimony of survival, inner strength and God's miracles. Jesus never said it wouldn't be easy, but He said it would be worth it!  - Matt. 7:13

#secondlife #lifetestimony #embracingmyscar

[dgarski]

​Time and Death

I've long since stopped counting the months since my collapse. Anniversaries are based on the calendar concept. Calendars are based on the measurements of time. Time is a man made concept. Time does not exist. Clocks exist. For argument's sake, let's consider the usage of time as a means for understanding how much of it each of us has on this Earth.

T​here are many millions of people who believe that when a person dies, they are transformed from a living being into a spiritual being that will travel to either a good place or a bad place. This dichotomy is also a man made concept. Most believers fear questioning the validity of an ultimate fate. There are those however, who do question the lack of proof as to where we all go when we die. Perhaps it is true that all that happens when our heart stops beating is, the electricity that is stored in our body to keep us alive, leaves our body, all that is left is a shell of our former self. Where does the electricity go? Well, as you know electricity is energy, and energy cannot be created or destroyed. So, the energy that leaves our body must go somewhere. Perhaps, it merely travels to the ground and dissipates.

What do you think happens to our consciousness when we die? Some consider the idea that when we die, (and if we could determine that we are no longer alive), we'll know about as much about our death as we did the billions of years before our birth. We don't remember anything before our birth, and yet, so many believe that we will somehow remember everything after our death?

Animals are killed on a daily basis. They are destroyed and processed as food. Everything dies. Everything is on its way to somewhere else. Well over 100,00 people will die today, globally. The difference between humans and animals is that animals are not aware of their mortality. The oldest (recorded) human being to ever live was Jeanne Calment. She was born on February 21, 1875 and lived 122 years, 164 days until her death on August 4, 1997.

When we are children, life is a vast exploration of wonder and mystery. Our young brains are super sponges, absorbing immeasurable amounts of information at immeasurable rates. We grow older and our body grows to an average adult size, into our later teenage years. In our twenties, we begin to notice lines around our eyes. We begin to see evidence of a receding hairline. We notice a few extra pounds around our gut. By our thirties, we realize that parts of our bodies need to be maintained much more often than when we were younger. Into our forties, trying to keep our body in some sort of healthy shape, has become much more difficult. Getting plenty of exercise and eating a healthy diet, slowly begins to creep lower and lower on our priority lists of life. By the time we reach our fifties, we believe that what we look like, how we feel is simply the slow decline that reflects old age.

With youth comes the belief in our own immortality. We try new things, experience new people, new ways of living and thinking. Our youthful curiosity is far stronger than our fear of the unknown. Time has a special way of changing these perspectives to switch them, around. With older age, comes the understanding in our own mortality. We fall into the illusion of a comfort zone where we no longer feel the desire to try new things, meet new people, or embrace new ways of living or thinking.

One day, you leave your house to go to the grocery store. You get to the store and begin shopping. You are half way through your list when out of nowhere, you experience severe dizziness and chest pains. Your left arm begins to feel strange and you collapse to the floor. Your eyes close and your brain begins to function in survivor mode. You don't dream and you don't remember anything of the event. Days later, your eyes open and everything is blurry. You see a large window of a room and you begin to hear beeping sounds. Then you hear voices. You slowly turn your head and see blurry figures lurking about, across the room. Your eyes begin to focus and you see that one person is a nurse and the other is a doctor. They notice that you've awakened and walk to your bedside. They call out your name and you do your best to vocalize something, anything. They inform you that you had a heart attack and that you've been asleep for three days. The doctor tells you that you were very close to death, but they were able to bring you back.

What goes through your mind when this happens? Mostly, it feels like a really bad dream. It feels like you are watching the unfolding of the life of someone else, through the eyes of someone else. Time has halted everything. Your life has completely stopped. Nothing is moving. As you begin to become more lucid in your thoughts, you realize that you are laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to several tubes through your arms, your genitals, your nose and your mouth. You have been out cold for a long time, and you have very little strength to even speak, much less move any parts of your body. How did this happen?

In your minimal arrogance, you thought that you were plenty healthy. All you were doing was going to the store to get groceries. How did you have a heart attack? You're only 55 years old. Why didn't you die? What happens next? How do you get out of this bed and out of this hospital? Why is everything a blur. It's hard to think straight. Time seems to be a normality for those who aren't wearing this stupid hospital gown. You experience new levels of embarrassment and humiliation. Your body is weak. They pump you with medication on the hour. The food they bring is less than appetizing. How did this happen?

A few days go by and you are getting your strength back. The doctors inform you that you had a blockage in your heart that prevented blood flow, thus causing the heart attack. They recite the obligatory speech on dietary changes that you must heed immediately, and begin a regiment of medications and therapy to get you back to some sense of normal human functionality. Anger, frustration, denial, depression and eventually determination all become a new part of the processing.

So, you didn't die. Why? How did you cheat death? How was your experience different than someone who did die from the same exact type of attack? What do you remember about collapsing? What do you remember while you were asleep? What if you don't remember anything in the three days they couldn't wake you? An entire chunk of your life is complete unaccountable. What happened to your brain when you were asleep for three days? Did you actually almost die, but they were able to save you? How was that possible?

How many people do you know, who have been thorough something similar to this, and have lived to tell about it? Did you notice a change in their behavior? Perhaps their personality changed. Some call it post traumatic stress disorder. A major life altering event happens to a person, and everything about them is changed forever. They see things differently. They hear things differently. Food smells and tastes differently. Their body feels differently. Their mind has changed dramatically. What used to matter, no longer does. What didn't matter before, now holds precedent over so many other things.

When you are in your fifties, and something like this happens to you, everything changes forever. Your eyes begin to see things much more clearly. Sunsets take on a whole new kaleidoscope of colors. The realization of our own mortality is far more evident. We begin to truly understand just how short our life is. We begin to truly learn what it means to life everyday as if it were our last. We find enjoyment in the little things. We do our best to make time for ourselves. We learn to truly appreciate the quiet and solitude and peace of our sanctuary.

You do not know how much time you have to live. You could be gone tomorrow. Maybe you'll live over a hundred years. What you do with your life ultimately matters only to you. Time and death are concepts known only to humans. We are aware of our own mortality, and we are reminded of it on a daily basis. If you survive a near death experience, it means that you have more to do in your life. It means you should learn to listen more. It means that you should teach what you know. It means that you should share what you have experienced to help others understand. It means that you should find your purpose and make a difference in your life and the lives of others. It means that you should let go of the past and live in the present and look forward to your future. The past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift.