Energy, by Ash L. H.
What happens when we die? In a literal sense, it's simple. We decay in a box, or we burn into ash and smoke, and, hopefully, we'll decompose into soil to feed the plants.
It's simple and scientific. Energy is not created or destroyed. All the chemical potential within us is stripped away and used up until there's nothing left but bones. Still potential, but far too hard to easily get through.
But that's not all the energy we have. We have the heat we produce, which radiates away into the air to cycle through again. We have the vibrations we make, which ripple out into the air and ground to be spread so thinly among all the atoms that the individual impact is imperceptible. And we have the electrical impulses of our brains.
What really happens to those impulses, that electric charge that fuels our every move and causes us to think and feel?
Maybe they do the same thing as those vibrations, ripple out to be so small among individual atoms that nobody can tell the difference. But that's unsatisfying. Electrical charge can be easily measured, and there's no reason for stable atoms to need to absorb that charge.
Maybe they simply stop when life does, no longer being produced or converted into the motion of our limbs and therefore not going anywhere. But that's unsatisfying. Energy is used to simply think and imagine, moving around in our brains. How? Thought is not an energy. It can't be measured or seen. It's just electricity triggering chemical reactions. But why are those reactions so highly sensory without being the actual sensations? The chemicals don't even mimic senses, it's something entirely different but yet so similar. It's almost indescribable, and despite being the result of chemical reactions, it is clearly more than that.
Maybe, then, they're absorbed into the decomposers that cause our body to rot, the same signals that tell us to be happy when we see our families or to be sad when we see someone die telling them to eat away, to destroy and use the destruction to rebuild, our own mental signals reconfiguring us into something that can carry on again and fuel a plant and then an animal, and then die again and decompose again just to do it all again. Maybe there was only ever one person, grand and vast and unknowable, their energy being carried on and on through all living things forever, a network intertwined.
Or maybe those impulses stay. Lingering as potential within out very atoms, even as those atoms are moved around throughout living and nonliving things. Maybe if you found all the atoms of a dead man's brain and put them back together, and sent a spark to start him anew once again, maybe he'd keep the very same thoughts he had before he fell apart. Maybe a brain is just a place to combine that energy. Maybe we're all just energy in an endless sea, absorbing the atoms and ideas of men long dead.
Maybe all energy is a remnant of a friend we never knew, a human being or an animal, or even a microscopic bacteria, whose experiences are as alien to us as they are perfectly ordinary. After all, they become us, and in doing so, their spirit lives on within us to have new experiences that are the same as our own.
And maybe, in that way, the only difference between my mind and my body, between the living and the dead, is that the atoms of my body remember the millions and billions and trillions of years they've experienced since the start of everything. Maybe inside me is a copy of me, which remembers everything that's happened since it joined with my body and a million other things that happened before, just waiting to be shed off as a cut hair or a scraped bit of skin or a quiet tear, to change and be reconfigured into a whole new being and to pick up memories of a whole new person. An exact copy of me in that moment, all my thoughts and hopes imprinted on that atom in the same way they will be once I die. Maybe part of me has lived a hundred lives, died a hundred times, and I just won't remember it. Even once I die, it's not like I'll absorb those long dead memories. Because those memories are theirs, never mine. Mine are ours, but theirs are their own. One day, though, long after I die, I will go through the same cycle and live through the many hundreds of lives an atom experiences, many thousands of times for all the atoms in my brain.
Thousands of lives in a single atom. Separate but indistinguishable, like building in reverse. The first stage is me, and every previous step is me plus another. A single life added onto my own. Or, rather, their single life slowly being built upon until I am reached. Like a fractal that somehow never repeats. Each section is unique and complete by itself, yet also made up of thousands of pieces that are just as unique and just as complete. But the large pieces, the far zoomed out ones, are unable to see what's below them. All they're aware of is themselves until new layers are added for them to see.
Maybe that's what a ghost is. Not a sad lingering force of a single person's will, but a whisper in the background of a mind that lets that fractal, just for a moment, look at itself and truly see the components that make it up. Maybe not understand them, maybe not study them or know what it's like to be them, but just to truly SEE them for the first time and be aware of their existence.
The power of an atom that has lived a thousand lives, the original echoing so far into the future that it seems so strange, yet also so familiar. After all, it's a piece of us, yet also entirely unique. Maybe that's all we are, in the most beautiful way. We are a culmination. We are an eternity of energy.
Thank you for reading (if you did make it this far). This is the first draft of a... short story? Free form poem? A writing thing. A thing that is my thoughts on the world, on mortality as a whole, and on life, all summed up into one. It is as fictional as it is real because it is my thoughts on the possibilities. It's as abstract as it is factual and definitive because that's what you have to be when you're trying to summarize the value and nature of life.
Anyway, enough semi-poetic musings! Here's some fun facts about the writing process! None of these are necessary reading, I know you just read a lot. Heck, these probably are super obvious or unnecessary.
Working/alternative titles for the piece included "Ghost Stories," "Death," and "A Thousand Lives."
This was inspired by a poll that simply asked if I believe in ghosts. I could not answer, and so I wrote this instead.
This is inspired by and is a culmination of a bunch of modern spiritual beliefs, many of which I have believed at some point in my life. It's inspired by the ideas of reincarnation, the idea that thought has a power in and of itself that can influence the world, and the idea a brain is able to perform every function it needs to without the person it's a part of understanding how it happens.
I am not running on a lot of sleep right now after writing this, and I probably won't get a chance to read it again and make revisions until I've slept. I really hope it's not actually garbage that my sleep-addled mind wants to see as brilliant.
This piece is not necessarily a reflection of what I believe, per say, as much as it is a reflection of what I hope is true. I genuinely hope that when I die, I can help build as part of another person's life and story, be it the energy that makes me up or the memory of me. Death is not an ending, it simply marks the point where your story ceases to be your own and instead becomes about how you impact other people.
This kinda accidentally implies an anti-nuclear energy message if you think about it. Technically kinda. Because if you destroy the atoms, you're ending the cycle of energy. To be clear, I don't agree with that (after all, maybe you're just releasing that energy to be able to flow even better, separate from the atoms). I just think it's funny that I kinda technically implied that by accident via a very strange connection on the complexities of how science works.
I used the word "maybe" a lot in the piece. That was intentional. It reflected that I'm not sure of anything and that this is more of a hope than an actual strong belief or conviction. However, I do hope it's not annoying. It's always a risk to make a creative choice like that because it can look like a cool intentional detail that carries meaning and enforces the themes of a piece, or it can look like bad and repetitive writing. And it's not always easy to tell which.
Anyway, I just wrote for like an hour. I'm going to take a nap. I want people to read this, so if you do, please suggest tags to help it find more people. Probably going to make a sidelong for my writing (both serious stuff like this and dumb fanfics) so that it's not cluttering my main page.
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As per my last post, if yall arent aware — Cait Corrain, the author of the upcoming Crown of Starlight made a bunch of fake accounts on Goodreads to review-bomb other debut authors, almost entirely BIPOC, with 1 star while 5-starring her own book. She also added traditionally published debut authors to a list derogatorily labeling them as "self-published" hacks. She went after random books that are Greek mythology retellings, like her own is, and again targeted BIPOC authors. She even targeted my good friend RM Virtues, who is an indie author who writes queer Black Greek myth reimaginings.
Many of those she attacked were people who considered her a colleague and friend. She's tried to spin a lie about how she's being framed by someone from her Reylo fandom days, but Reylos have disproven that already.
Cait allegedly liked to brag about how her publisher treated her like royalty, and she had a massive Illumicrate deal. Her book was also getting favorable advanced reviews and had a beautiful cover, so she had nothing to be jealous of. She's potentially destroyed her career due to racism alone. Do not buy her book and do not support her.
Here is a thread if you want specifics and here is the 31-page doc of evidence.
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Hi hello hi. As an AroAce individual in a QPR who has no desire for a romantic or sexual relationship, I think shipping Alastor in QPRs is so so fun and people should do it more. I also think it works for a good amount if not all of the ships I've seen him in.
Alastor and Rosie: Hell yeah. They're already great friends and every interaction we've seen between them has been pure and adorable. Rosie Gently guiding Alastor through his identity because he isn't exactly up with the slang. Them going out for tea and human flesh Sunday afternoons. Them giving each other forehead kisses and holding hands platonically.
Alastor and Angle dust: Mhmm. Angle not really wanting Sex or romance after all he's been through. Angle respecting Alastor's identity and not pushing for anything more than friendship. Alastor not really liking Angle at first because of their differences, But tolerating him regardles. Alastor explaining to Angle that Romantic relationships don't have to involve Sex (I'm an Asexual Angle truther.) Angle offering Alastor a hug that Alastor reluctantly accepts. Them cuddling at night with a pinky Promise of nothing more.
Alastor and Vox: Go ahead. A fic about Alastor trying to Navigate exactly how he feels about Vox, Because when he died the term AroAce didn't exist, so he thinks it's romantic attraction, Maybe they kiss and Alastor is like "Ha! No!" Maybe that's why they had their falling out? Who knows.
Alastor and Lucifer: So So SO much Yes. (This is my personal favorite) The two of them hating each other, but putting up for each other for Charlie's sake. Slowly growing to actually tolerate and maybe even like being around the other. Exchanging snarky remarks in a more playful way. Alastor finding Lucifer sitting in a pile of ducks and despair and offering his hand to help him up and take him to the hotel. Never letting go of his hand. Fuck Enemies to Friends to Lovers I want an Enemies to Friends to Qpr arc goddamnit.
I do think it's okay to ship Alastor even outside of QPR's, BUT. If you do, don't just ignore Alastor's identity. AroAce people get far less representation than the rest of the LGBTQ+ community. I can think of one other canon Character off the top of my head. So it's not okay to erase the little rep we do get. In the end I think it's important to listen to what AroAce people have to say on the matter, it is our representation after all.
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frat steve has taken steddie twitter by storm so have this
eddie’s dragging his feet in his boots, humming under his breath while he unsuccessfully flicks the lighter under his cigarette.
every time he finds himself walking down fraternity row he also finds himself wondering how he got here.
not physically- he took a left on 4th and a right on morningside, he knows that.
but in a larger sense.
he’s a junior well on his way to a media and entertainment arts degree who, as a freshman and sophomore spent most of his friday nights at local dives either playing with his band or drinking and shooting the shit with the divorced dads at the pool table.
so when he wonders how he got here, he means how he’s found himself on the way to his third house party this month.
he finally gets his cigarette lit and he stops on the sidewalk to get in a few drags before he heads in. mentally prepares himself for the insufferable music he’ll have to endure for thirty minutes or so before he tunes it out.
he mock-bows at the group of girls that wanders past, giggles and waves sent his way making him laugh to himself.
he drops the butt and stubs it beneath the toe of his boot and takes a breath.
heads toward the house door.
when he gets there he’s met with two guys, freshman surely. letters emblazoned across their cutoff muscle tees and hats turned backwards and perched, very stupidly if eddie shares his piece, atop their heads.
they stop him with a hand up and friendly smiles and mock bravado “three actives,” bro number one states.
eddie barely holds back an incredulous laugh.
“you cannot be serious.”
the boys eye each other, confused and getting frustrated, eddie can tell.
the first bows up a bit.
“dead serious, bro. name three actives.”
and look, eddie may be a showman at the best of times but he really doesn’t want to pull his trump card here. not now.
that would just add insult to injury.
he’s wracking his brain for a way to let them down gently, to get them to step aside and let him through when there’s a loud commotion behind them and then steve is shouldering his way past and onto the front steps.
“eddie!!” he cheers and swings his strong arms up and around his neck. he, unlike tweedle dee and tweedle dum, is just wearing a white t-shirt and his hair, his beautiful, beautiful hair is left untarnished by the blasphemy that is the frat boy snapback.
he wraps an arm low around his waist and presses a kiss to his temple.
“hey, baby,” he smiles, watching the dropped jaws and disbelieving eyes over steve’s shoulder.
steve pulls back and shoves his chest back and he stumbles, laughing.
“dude you were supposed to be here ages ago!”
eddie tugs him back close by his wrists and puts on his best puppy eyes.
“sorry, sweetheart, got caught up at rehearsals. but i’m all yours now.”
steve grabs his hand and tangles their fingers together. spins around and point between eddie and the pledge-bouncers.
“guys, this is eddie! eddie this is jeremy and josh.”
eddie waves, small and a bit sarcastic but steve doesn’t pick up on that. just tugs him past and takes off to find eddie a drink.
eddie gets clapped on the shoulder and high-fived by a couple of steve’s friends as they pass and he yells across the room to eric to save him a seat.
he turns back to the door and still sees bewildered looks, slightly afraid.
he gets it, he does.
in a larger sense at least.
if he were these boys and had just tried to deny entry to the president’s boyfriend he might be a little afraid too.
he swings an arm around each of their shoulders and pulls them close.
“relax, gentlemen. your secret is safe with me.”
they stutter and go to argue but steve is back with two red plastic cups and a bright smile.
“c’mon ed, luke wants to hear about your show since he missed it last week.”
eddie pats both boys on their backs before he takes the drink from steve’s hand and tucks the other in steve’s back pocket.
“later guys. catch up next time, yeah?”
their stunned nods and quiet agreements follow as eddie and steve walk away.
they’ll be seeing a lot more of each other.
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mdni
thinking about how when toji first meets you, he quickly decides he just has to have you. you're so timid and sweet— just his type.
he has to give you credit though, because you make it hard work for him, but he's relentless perseverant and eventually gets you into his bed.
and he's surprised to find that you're a completely different person between the sheets.
you're grabbing him by the face roughly and spitting into his mouth while you fuck yourself down onto his cock.
you're telling him he's pathetic, that he's not even a good fuck (the way your pussy clenches around him tells him you're lying).
and he's so confused because while this has never really been his thing, he's so fucking hard it hurts.
"wanna smack your pretty face, that okay?"
you ask so sweetly that he can't help but nod before he even has a chance to consider what he's agreeing to.
when your palm meets his cheek and leaves his skin tinted pink, he's so embarrassed that his hips buck up and he comes much sooner than he'd have liked.
"aw. you liked it that much, baby?" you coo at him. "maybe i'll keep you around after all. how's that sound, hm?"
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