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scribblesofagoonerr · 4 months

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Family, not by blood but by choice instead | awfc x teen!reader

I previously posted on another account, however, I didn't realise a second blog wouldn't allow me to follow people, so I am reposting again on my new one.

Let me know what you all think!

You should have known, there was tell-tail signs all throughout the last several years and yet you were so blind about it all.

Your mother was a narcissist, she was manipulative and gaslighted you your whole life, you were always made out to the bad guy and she was the victim.

It was clear as day to anyone on the outside, but your nieve self just chose to always believe different about things.

Looking back on the several years of your childhood, you had always thought you upbringing wasn't completely terrible. It was just the 2 of you, only your mum and you ever since you could remember. Your parents ended up splitting up when you were really little but ever since that day, you had always been made out to be the reason for their seperation.

You had always wonderd how it could be your fault. You was only 3 when he walked out, so how could it really be like that?

"You were always too much to handle. He couldn't cope," Your mum would say, all of them long nights when you would wrap your tiny arms around her and sob your little heart out to her.

"I'm here, you've got me. You've only ever got me," Her words were embedded in your head from the day that you'd decided to try and have an open conversation about the possibility of finding your dad. "Why go and find him? Haven't I been good enough. I'm the one that's looked after you all of these years and this is the thanks that I get in return?" It was always something that like, always a guiltrip and it was something that she knew would work well.

The harsh statement of the most recent conversation with the older woman left a bitter taste in your mouth and make you question every single thing in life.

"Aren't you happy for me? I made it, mum!" You exclaimed, you were happy enough to want to share the news with your mum but you found so dumbfound by her response which left you feeling shame and judgement for even wanting to tell her.

"Yes you have made it Y/N but you know, you only have me to thank for that now, don't you?" Your mum once again found a way to make it about herself, regardless of the situation; It was always and only ever about her. "I'm sure that you can find some way to thank me though. All of those years and the amount I have spent on football boots for you. You'd be nowhere if it wasn't for me and I think you owe me now, don't you?" she told you.

You remember feeling stunned by her words, there was a lot of emotions that you had felt building up inside as you were ultimately confused how she'd somehow managed to twist this to make it all about herself but of course she was quick enough to make an excuse to end the call when she grew bored of talking to you.

You should have knew better, every phone call always ended up being the same way and it always left you with a feeling of guilt for making a life for yourself and that phone call that night wasn't any different. You had just been so excited to spill the news, however that excitment soon faded and was replaced by confused feelings of upset and anger once you'd told her, you fought to hold in your tears during the initial phone call but you were on the verge of breaking by the time she had hung up.

That phone call was the one you told her about making it into the national team, you had only been a part of Arsenal womens' first team for under a year and it felt like a massive achievement to be selected to represent your country and immediately you couldn't wait to share the news with your mum - You thought that she'd be pleased for you but you couldn't be further away from the truth.

Ever since that phone call, you had tried your hardest to distance yourself from your mum but it hurt to do that. The women was the only blood related family member that you had, it had only ever been the 2 of you, together through thick and thin.

Flash forward to now, the current time where you are sitting on the sofa, you had returned home after a long training session and you couldn't help but think about it that conversation on a constant loop in your head.

"You were quiet tonight kidda," Leah perched on the arm of sofa as looked at you in concern. "I'm about to start cookin' tea. How's chicken dippers and smiley faces sound, eh?" she suggested.

"Mhm. Sure that sounds good to me," You mumbled as you kept your eyes focused on nothing but the telly.

The truth was that the conversation was constantly replaying in your head; The conversation, the bitterness and manipulation, every time you thought about it it then made you think of every other time that something like this happened.

Maybe your childhood wasn't as great as you really thought?

"Okay then... Is there anything that you want to talk about?" The blonde questioned, hoping for a bit more of an insight on your mood; Returning from her own rehab session, the entire car ride had been quiet compared to normal and the older woman couldn't help but feel something wasn't right.

"Nope," You stood firm in your reply, shaking your head as you kept your eyes glued on the TV screen; You couldn't really say that you payed much attention to whatever it was, the noise was pretty much a blur that was playing in the background.

"Are you sure?" Leah questioned, frowning worriedly as she took note of the tears welling up in your eyes. "Kidda, what's the matter? You look like you're gonna cry." she stated.

"I... I'm fine," You mumbled, fighting hard to keep the tears at bay until you could escape to your bedroom and allow yourself to be vulnerable and alone. You'd always felt complete shame to show any sort of vunterability in front of anyone, let alone the blonde footballer who'd virtually taken you under her wing ever since you joined during the transfer break of 2022.

You'd always been told that crying showed weakness and you refused to be seen as weak.

"Okay," Leah was quick to drop the subject when she realised you weren't going to open and talk about things. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it but just remember that I'm always here to listen. Anytime that you want too, alright?" she told you.

Unfortunately you were stubborn to not give in and blurt everything out in the open. You were just trying to wrap your head around the idea of things and see things for how they really were.

"Uh huh," You mumbled a response as you got up from the sofa and trudged in the direction of your bedroom.

Leah exhaled a sigh as she shook her head, herself heading into the kitchen to make a start on dinner. The woman knew better than to try and get you to talk if you didn't want too.

She'd always been around to witness the moments like this and the backlash of it. Of course the blonde knew this was all stemmed down to one person causing you to be like this and she hated that you were left upset every single time.

Every single time you and your mum fought, you'd always ended up quiet and in a bad mood, often resulting in lashing out at people around you as a coping mechanism.

None of the girls ever took it to heart, they were old enough to realise that none of your anger was directly aimed at them and there was bigger issues to be dealt with.

The Arsenal women all had their own opinions on the teens' mother but they would never voice them out loud to you. It wouldn't be fair on the youngest in the squad even after the countless times they had seen the girl upset by her own mums actions.

Ever since the teen had moved in, there had been several nights where Leah would be the one to comfort the girl and pick up the peices, waking up in the middle of the night to hear the teen's heartbroken sobs and feeling her own heart shatter every single time, wanting nothing more than take away any sort of pain the girl was experiencing.

It was heartbreaking for all of the team to witness and always sought out to comfort the teen no matter the situation. They knew that no matter they say, they couldn't stop her contacting her and she would be able to make her own decision soon enough when she turned 18 and until then they'd be the ones' to pick up the broken pieces when the mum let her daughter down.

They were your family, not by blood but by choice. You'd probably be lost without them sometimes.

"I... I should have realised sooner," You thought to yourself as you lay crumpled up on your bed that following night, it was almost near 4 in the morning and you were still wide awake with things racing through your head.

You couldn't help but think about things, how you should have noticed the tell-tail signs of her gaslighting you were old enough to properly realise, that was your first mistake.

Your second being that you believed her manipulation, she would always twist things to make her seem like the victim in all different situations - back when you were a child and even now as an adult.

How long it had taken you finally realise it after all of these years. Why hadn't you realised it sooner?

Without realising, you were sobbing aloud as you clutched on to your pillow tightly - the pent up anger was replaced by complete sadness and loss. You only ever wanted the approval of your mum about things and you fought so hard for it.

The phone call, the hopeful seal of approval... Every time it always seemed to be the same type of emotions when you spoke to your mum - It was a vicious cycle of emotional abuse, or so you'd been told from other people and you never wanted to believe it.

Only problem was that you'd not been able to see it yourself, even if it was clear as day. Even if regardless of a psychological therapist telling you this, you refused to believe them words. Nor your team mates, who had realised it the first time they had the chance to meet her and even then you wouldn't listen or hear them out.

It was your mum, your flesh and blood so how could she be like that? You had never been able to wrap your head around it.

The sound of sobs were what woke Leah up, she was quick to pad out of her bedroom and down the hall to where your bedroom was. "Kidda?" The women pushed the door open and her heart cracked to see you looking so distraught and vulnerable.

The blonde was quick to move to be right beside you, she was always the one to comfort you and she wouldn't ever stop doing that as long as you needed her.

"Hey, kidda. Come here," The blonde scooped you up in her arms and rocked you all while she ran her slender fingers through your messy bedhead. "You're okay. I'm here," she reassured you.

Leah was always patient enough to wait for you to calm down before she gave you the chance to speak, she wouldn't ever push you to talk if you didn't want too.

"L... Le," You cried aloud as you clutched onto her. You breath became shaky as sobs wracked your body.

"I'm here, it's okay," Leah spoke calmly, continuing to try and comfort you the best way she knew but she already knew it was going to be a long night ahead of them - An emotional night that would leave you drained tomorrow.

A vicious cycle of on a loop.

"Ready to tell me what's going on inside that head of yours, huh?" The blonde tried to carefully ask.

There was another brief pause of silence, nothing but the quiet sobs coming from you as the blonde continued to comfort you and reassure you that she was here and not leaving you.

To Leah's surprise, you did open up this time around, even if you didn't mean too.

"I should have realised. I should have... I should have realised," You made the mistake to speak aloud rather than think it like you thought you had.

"You should have realised what, kidda?" Leah questioned, confused about what you meant.

You snap your head in the blondes' direction as you bit your bottom lip, debating whether to be open with your thoughts that you tried so hard to keep buried inside.

"About my mum... I should have realised," You repeated your words as you fought the tears from spilling. "She's so... She's so-- Why does everything I tell her, why does it always get turned back around so it's about her?" That was it. You blurted out your own feelings - There was no hiding how you felt anymore.

Leah smiled sympathetically and moved onto the sofa to sit closer to you, wrapping her free arm around your shoulder to comfort you, "I... I don't know kidda," she spoke honestly.

"So many people, so many people have told me-- They've warned me about her but I have... I never wanted to listen," You confessed, the tears openly rolled down your cheeks and you probably looked a right blubbering mess but you couldn't stop your emotions pouring out. "And now... Now I finally realise how it's always been. Why is she like that, Le?" You asked.

"I can't say I know the answer to that one kidda, I wish I knew," Leah replied, exhaling a sigh as she couldn't fathem herself how a mother could be like that with her own child, she felt so much for the girl and always wished she could make the situation better for her. "Listen, I know it's hard but you've got us. All of us girls here at Arsenal and you're so loved by all of us." she told you.

"I... I just want her to love me, and she just... she doesn't even care about my feelings!" You stated, roughly wiping at your tear stained cheeks angrily to the point that you made them red. "Why does she always throw everything back in my face? Everything that I have ever done, she's always made it about her... Always!" you cried.

"I know, I know it hurts... I know it does," You kept your head buried in the blondes' chest as you hiccuped from the sudden breakdown in the middle of the night. "And I am sorry that you have to go through this. It's not fair on you kidda." Leah added, biting her bottom lip.

All of emotion had led you feeling exhausted in the end, you fought it hard to keep your eyes open as you lay slumped against the blonde woman.

"Come on let's get you back into bed, yeah? I mean you're almost falling asleep on me here, kidda," Leah joked with you, hoping for you to even crack a small smile as she gently moved you back to your bed and tucked you in under the duvet. "I'm so sorry you have had to deal with the kidda but you know you have a family here with us. We may not be blood but we really love you kidda." You heard the faint words spoken to you as you felt your eye lids close, completely warn out.

Sure, the Arsenal women weren't family by blood but instead they were family by choice and that was more important. They were there for you whenever you needed them and you knew you felt safe with them around. You truly felt happy with your chosen family.

#arsenal x reader #leah williamson #woso #woso imagine #woso fanfics #woso x reader #awfc x reader #light angst

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neechees · 4 months

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I'm putting out a warning for the user @jenniferpss/jenniferpzsss for likely being a scam and likely being run by notorious scammer Laura Deramas for the following reasons & proof:

Their blog has only existed since December 16th 2023, which is when they started asking for money.

They claim they live in the U.S but are "European" and are recieving healthcare in the U.S, while also asking for donations in American dollars. We've seen this with various other scams like nevermindblog where they claimed to be European but had their paypal currency set to U.S dollars. It's also weird to me that a European would go to a country with one of the most expensive healthcare costs in the world when there's several other, closer, much less expensive options that are equal (if not higher) in quality to the U.S to recieve healthcare within Europe. (Proof of that below)

On the note of calling themselves "European", they never specify what their Nationality or ethnicity is. Of course not all Europeans are the same, but that's precisely it, a lot of Europeans don't just call themselves "European", they'll happily list where they're from, and say something like "I'm Breton from France", or "I'm German" or "I'm from England", not just "I'm European". This allegedly European user doesn't and hasn't ever listed their country of origin, so they're likely faking an ethnicity

They claim they want to recieve donations via PayPal and Facebook pay, but to use facebook pay you have to have an active facebook account, which they refuse to give to people.

Below they also claim fbpay & paypal is "the only way I can recieve donations" despite the fact that cashapp & venmo, two of the most popular money transfer apps in the U.S, are available to Americans with an American address. If theyve been living long enough in America to be well incorporated into the American healthcare system, including having American insurance, an American specialist doctor, and a homecare nurse that they say they have in their donation post, then why can they not just use venmo or cashapp, which is available to anyone with an American address, which if they're telling the truth, they would definitely have? I find it hard to believe that someone who's been living in America for a while doesn't know about venmo or cashapp when asking for donations.

They claim in their donation post that they want to be "truly as transparent and honest as possible!", but then when someone asked jenniferpss to clear up some allegations against them & to be transparent, instead of doing what they said they'd do, they redirected, said the person asking questions was "attacking" them, and then didn't answer ANY of the questions. This would be suspicious enough on its own, but we've also seen such behavior from Laura in previous scams where, instead of answering reasonable, legitimate questions people had, she victimized herself and claimed ANY questions were a personal "attack" on her, regardless of how nicely worded.

They started spam messaging/asking people to reblog their donation posts, including sending these messages specifically to people who say they don't reblog donation posts bc they received an ask to.

Suddenly changed their url after being asked to address their suspicious behavior, which is a common scammer tactic. (Used to be @jenniferpss, now changed to @/jenniferpzsss, which you can see the difference & dates in the above and below screenshots)

In one of their posts, they specifically tagged two previous victims of Laura Deramas asking them to reblog their post, but ONLY them. If they're truly new to tumblr then why specifically tag those two users? How did they know about those users when they previously never interacted with either of them? Why did they ONLY tag those two users? We know Laura would often re-target other people who had donated to her or that she'd manipulated in the past for her newer scams where she pretended to be someone else, so this is typical Laura behavior. Note that the replies on their donation post are also restricted, which is ALSO typical scammer behavior

#justin's scam list #donation scam #scammers #scam #jenniferpss #jenniferpzsss

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luthsthings · 7 months

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Sims 4 Broken/Updated Mods is moving to AHQ

Five years ago, Maxis consolidated player-to-player Sims 4 support at AHQ, moving it off the Sims 4 Forums. Now the same is happening for mod news. Beginning at the next patch, my Broken/Updated Mods & CC list will be at EA's Answers HQ.

For a number of years, EA has been sending people off of AHQ to the Forums for my game-rating-friendly list of outdated and updated mods and CC, to help Simmers who've come to AHQ for help. Moving the list to AHQ will mean Simmers who go to EA for support can stay in one place, which is best practice for support.

The new setup will also make the list easier to use for Simmers. There wont' be discussion mixed in with the news post, making the thread easy to follow. AHQ has separate threads for discussing mod/CC issues and getting help.

On top of that, every Simmer will be able to subscribe to the thread — and get notifications notifications of new posts when and where they want. Check the image for where that is, and my more detailed how-to post. And since your EA login is your AHQ login, you don't even need to make a new account.

You'll find the new list pinned, when the game updates September 26, 2023, in the Sims 4 Game and Mod/CC Issues section of AHQ.

The thread will include a compiled list of newly broken/obsolete mods, a list of newly updated mods highlighting the ones that fix a problem in the mod or that are major updates, a list of creators clearing mods, and day-to-day comprehensive news. It will also include a list of many previously broken, non-updated mods and links to recent update lists to help people who are catching up, because most of us actually do take breaks from Sims sometimes.

For those of you who are used to letting me know directly about your updates or other news, my DMs are always open to you.

Message me here, on the Forums (select "Message"), on AHQ ("Contact Me"), and on Discord. (Just not for support! Please take that to a support forum, which could also be AHQ).

With some luck, the new structure is faster for me to manage and you'll see me here more often with game screenshots. I have a teen named Pony who's ready to go to high school! I've no idea how he'll fit in that and all his work around the ranch, though…

#the sims 4 mods #sims 4 mods #ts4 mods #sims 4 #ts4 #the sims 4

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vesora · 5 months

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hello vesora. i find your account name very lovely bc in japanese it means sky🙂

i haven’t sent in an ask to any account in awhile, so i’m hoping you can point me in the direction or provide some clarifications. ever since learning all is a seeming appearance- just no-thing, my dreams have been erratic. i dream multiple if not twenty times a night. it’s as if i spend years in a dream, just to wake up into this seeming life. it has helped me realize that there is no difference between a dream and the waking life. it is so bizarre yet intriguing. now, i have established (in my experiences) that there is no physical. only the seeming appearance of it.

i travel to all types of places within my awareness and there is one i frequent the most. a “dream life” if you will. since there is absolutely no-thing, it means that the appearance of my current life as well as the dream life are both non-existence. they share no differences, only oneness. i do understand that the identification with the illusionary senses is what hinders people, so with that said may i ask: how does one go about ridding one appearance to only gaze upon another? for clarification i mean how may i put an end to this old life, and to only bask in the new?

i have inquired upon this question a bit, and from what i understand- since there is no-thing, there is nothing to get rid of or stop. there’s nothing actually happening, only the seeming appearance of it. so as long as THAT does not take the illusionary life to be THAT, (but it also is? that’s where i get messed up) so it is. the old life is seemingly gone, and replaced with the new, as for THAT everything is instant. i have waltzed with this for a bit, and this is going to sound so ironic. but there is no change within the illusionary senses. there is no reason to doubt when abiding in Self, but sometimes this culmination of thoughts and personalities does doubt and become scared- because there is no difference to them. but i hope that does not matter, because the difference is already there for THAT.

my question reminds me of the seeming experience i have been having with dreams. there is no ridding of the dreams, it does that by itself. i honestly do not know what i was about to ramble about.

i hope i come across as coherent. i’ve followed you for awhile, and this is actually my first ask ever! thank you for your time, and i cannot wait to hear your thoughts!

hey love,

thank you firstly!

you seem to understand this intellectually and thats always the first step! the reason you dont 'see' it is because whilst you believe that you are Self and everything is an illusion, you don't know it yet. theres still a fear of completely letting go and surrendering in case it doesnt work out.

so as long as THAT does not take the illusionary life to be THAT, (but it also is? that’s where i get messed up) so it is. the old life is seemingly gone, and replaced with the new, as for THAT everything is instant.

The illusory life is a part of you, therefore you, but it is not what you are whereas the illusory life has no existence apart from You. You will notice when there's not a want for different things, 'things' appear instantly or faster than 'previously observed'. That's because One is observing 'things' from a place of already being Whole. There is no want for anything and no desire, You just are and if you want, you can choose a different movie.

If I didn't answer this well, let me know.

#asks

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 7 months

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Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 22

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC New as of 9/30/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "I could feel the darkness setting in."

It had been three days since the call with Dieter that turned my life upside down. It had also been three days since I was sober. I was spiraling. Hard. Lauren and Gabby had both tried calling me, but I refused to answer, sending the calls straight to voicemail. Their text messages followed, making it clear that they knew something had happened. The only response I would give them is that I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it for the foreseeable future.

Dieter had posted pictures on his social media account from the movie set. Several of them showed Chloe hanging all over him. He had removed the picture of the two of us, taken by him when I was sleeping, that he had previously shared on his account. That alone was a clear indication that something was going on. Not just to me, but to everybody - if it hadn’t tipped off Lauren and Gabby, the tabloids most certainly would notice. As always, they loved reading between the lines. To make things worse, they had published a series of photos from when I visited Dieter on set. Most of the images showed us together and happy, but there was also a candid shot, taken right after his confrontation with Craig. Unsurprisingly, the narrative provided did not match what had actually happened. The gossip rags made it seem like he and I were having an argument. It was all completely fabricated nonsense that only added more fuel to the already blazing fire.

That evening, I was sitting on a lounge chair next to the pool as the sun started to set over the hills. I stared blankly at the water rippling in the pool, my mind hazy as I occasionally took a swig from the bottle of vodka in my hand. It burned in my throat, despite the liquor being top shelf, but it didn’t bother me too much; every time the sting hit, it helped shove away the thoughts crawling through my head.

When the sliding door near the patio suddenly opened, I saw Lauren stride out of the house with purpose, her eyes set on me. She paused in front of me, staring me down with a look of sympathy on her face.

“You look like shit.”

“Thanks for stating the obvious,” I slurred as I took another drink from the bottle. I tried to think of how to get rid of her. I wasn’t ready to have this conversation and I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.

I felt uncomfortable under her gaze as she took in my appearance. It made me fidget nervously as I avoided her eyes. Besides, I knew how I looked. I hadn’t showered in three days, which had turned my hair into a mess of tangled curls that pointed in all directions. My face was red and splotchy, and I could feel how swollen my eyes were from the ridiculous amount of crying I had done. My outfit consisting of a pair of cotton shorts, a ratty t-shirt, and robe didn’t do much to help me either; I felt like death and probably didn’t look far from it.

Lauren snatched the bottle of vodka from my hand as she sat down beside me, shaking her head when I tried to grab it back.

“No.”

I gave her a look of annoyance and snatched it back anyway.

“Don’t worry, I’m pacing myself.” My eyes drifted back to focus on the water.

She snorted but chose not to reply, for which I was grateful. Instead, she asked, “Have you eaten today?”

I sighed heavily, “Yes, I ordered a pizza.” I stayed focused on the pool, not breaking the trance of my eyes on the rippling water, wishing it would swallow me up and drown out all the thoughts running through my mind.

“Do you want to fill me in on what happened?”

I turned my head to look at her, my brows knitted together in confusion.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I paused briefly. “I don’t even fucking know.”

It was her turn to look confused, “You didn’t get into an argument at that bar?”

I waved my hand dismissively, now annoyed that even my best friend was apparently reading the tabloids to check in on me.

“No. That’s all a bunch of bullshit.”

She nodded in understanding. “Okay. So, what happened?”, she pressed, once again trying to take the bottle away from me.

“Can we just not? I don’t wanna talk about it. With anyone, ok?” I gave her a stern look as I held the vodka out of her reach, then took a swig. I meant it. I knew she was annoyed that I wasn’t offering any details, because I had never been resistant to discussing certain things with her. But I didn’t want to talk about any of it now. I couldn’t.

“You can see that I’m fine and breathing,” I offered, gesturing at myself. “You’ve accomplished your mission. Can I just be alone now? Please?” I gave her a pleading look. It was clear that she was hurt, but I didn’t have the capacity to deal with that.

Lauren scoffed as a look of frustration formed on her face. She looked like she was about to say something, then stopped herself as she turned around, striding back toward the house as she shook her head. After she left, I felt a wave of anger come over me. I had been trying to push it away for days, but her attempts at making me talk had just sliced open all the wounds again and it felt like anger was seeping from my pores. I grasped the liquor tight in my hands and stood up, needing a moment to balance myself, then made my way over to my craft room.

The painting that I had started for Dieter felt so much bigger than the space it actually took up, and I couldn’t stop myself from walking over to it. Tracing my fingers over the painted canvas, I had to think back to our time in Sonoma. The memories had been on a loop in my head over the past days. He had been so different. I couldn’t understand why he had done a complete one-eighty on me, acting like a completely different person. Maybe Anna was right. Maybe I didn’t know him, and I couldn’t handle him at his worst.

Out of a habit that had crept up on me over the past days, I moved to take another drink of the vodka I was still clutching in my hand, then stopped midway as I stared at the bottle. Fuck. I was losing myself again. It hadn’t just been the anger roaring inside me that had started to seep out - it was actual darkness that had been setting in, carving out places inside of me as it slowly took over, numbing my brain. I let out a frustrated scream as I threw the bottle against the wall beside the painting. I decided in that moment that I wasn’t going to allow myself to go back to that dark place. I had been there before and barely made it out alive. This time it would consume me completely if I let it happen again, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to come back from it.

Clinging onto the sudden wave of clarity, I went upstairs to the kitchen and pulled down every bottle of alcohol that I could find. I poured it all down the sink without a second thought. Then I forced myself to take a shower. The water wasn’t soothing, but rather a slap to my face - first so hot that condensation fogged up the entire bathroom, before I changed the temperature so the cold hit me even harder, giving me goosebumps all over. It helped to pull me out of my head and back into my body. It was amazing how much better I felt afterwards. After that, I set my alarm and went to bed. At that point, I was determined to move on and keep this from affecting me as much as possible. If he didn’t want to be with me, there was nothing I could do about it. Which meant there were zero reasons for me to continue to dwell on it. I was only hurting myself by doing that. He had already inflicted more than enough pain on me than I knew how to deal with.

The next morning, I got up to get ready to go into work. I needed to get out of the house. Away from him. He was still here, a little piece of him in every room. Clothing, shoes, a toothbrush, his scent on the sheets… it was all a painful reminder that he currently existed somewhere that wasn’t with me. I needed to get away from it all and clear my head.

I dressed in a form fitting pencil dress with a matching blazer and black pumps, styling my hair in soft waves around my face and down my back. Some heavier makeup than usual helped to cover the redness left by days of crying.

I knew paparazzi would be outside the office, waiting like they had been doing every day since the Anna incident. They knew I couldn’t stay away forever. If I ran into them, I wanted to make a statement without words. One that said I was moving on and that I was fine. I was no longer the weak and anxious woman I had been with Justin. That was one thing I could thank Dieter for; he helped me get my confidence back. No matter what, I wasn’t going to let anything take that away from me, not even him giving up on us. I needed all that confidence and resilience to get through this.

The paps had obviously gotten a little wiser, now realizing where the employees parked. There were at least seven of them waiting at the entrance to the lot, watching every car that entered. They wasted no time following behind my vehicle on foot as I searched for an open space. As soon as my door opened, they started peppering me with questions about Dieter and the status of our relationship. I attempted to exude confidence as I gave them nothing but a polite smile while I walked toward the entrance of the building. Careful not to give any sort of reaction to their harsh line of questioning.

The atmosphere in the office shifted as soon as I walked in the door. The tension was visible in the faces and posture of every person in the room. They all seemed shocked to see me. No one said anything, they just looked at me with wide eyes. My eyes danced around to each of them before I continued walking toward my office. Kerrie entered behind me after a few minutes had passed. She was clearly nervous and not sure how to act.

“Is there anything you need from me?” she asked timidly.

I stared at her momentarily as I bit the inside of my cheek.

“Yeah, can you get me a status update on our new accounts? And set up a meeting with Steve. I know he has some sort of problem he needs his hand held through.”

She nodded, “Talia, I don’t know what happened but…”

I raised my hand to stop her from continuing, “It doesn’t matter. I would much rather not talk about it. I don’t want anyone to mention it. I’m fine and I’m moving on. Let’s just try to get back to normal, please.”

She gave a slight grimace before nodding in understanding and walking out of the room.

From that moment on, I slid back into my pre-Dieter routine. My day went by quickly. I stayed busy enough that I didn’t have time to think about him, which was refreshing. It was exactly what I needed to recenter myself and move forward. Of course, I was again reminded of him as I walked to my car. The paps that were still hanging around asking questions they thought might get a reaction out of me. I continued with a polite smile and silence as I made my way to leave. Luckily, no one tried to follow me home this time.

That evening, I was determined to remove every trace of Dieter I could find. I put everything that belonged to him in boxes and set them in the garage. I washed his smell out of all the sheets and blankets, wanting no trace of him left behind. I wanted it to be like he was never there. It was the only way I was going to be able to move forward.

Though removing all proof of his existence from my home helped, the following week was a little harder on me. I knew Dieter was scheduled to be on a filming break. It was the few days we had planned for him to come home and spend with me, but I wasn’t sure if he was still coming back to LA or not. I wondered if he would try to reach out if he was in town or if he would even bother to come home at all. The Friday he had been scheduled to fly in, I was anxious and had a hard time focusing while I was at work. Not knowing what to expect was the most stressful thing to me.

I got my answer later that evening when I finally broke down and checked his Instagram account. He had posted pictures of himself with Anna and a couple of other people. The caption indicated they were at a club opening in New York City. In every photo he had a drink in hand and appeared to be intoxicated. I couldn’t be sure that was the case, but his eyes looked different. They seemed darker and emotionless somehow. It made me feel uneasy as I swiped through them. I did take solace in the fact that he was on the other side of the country, and I wouldn’t have to worry about running into him here. Hopefully he was planning to stay there for the entire duration of his break. I hated to see that he was back with his old group of friends though. That was just asking for trouble, particularly because he had been in such a bad headspace.

I sighed heavily as I threw my phone down, rubbing at my eyes as I leaned my head back against the couch, willing myself to stop thinking about him. I left my hands covering my eyes for a few minutes while I tried to clear my thoughts of him, completely zoning out in the process. When I removed my hands and raised my head, I was startled by Lauren. She was standing in front of me with her hands on her hips, a look of annoyance on her face.

I jumped slightly at her appearance, “Fucking hell, what are you doing? Can’t you just announce yourself? You’re gonna give me a heart attack doing that shit.”

“So, you’re feeling well enough to go to work and act like nothing is wrong, but you can’t respond to any of my texts or calls?”

“Jumping right to it then…” I chuckled, but my chest tightened nervously as I knew there was no avoiding her now. “Yes, sorry. I had to spend time cleansing my life of that asshole's existence after work. I’ve been busy.”

“That asshole? Cleansing? What the hell are you talking about?” She now had a look of confusion on her face.

“Dieter, the asshole. I packed up all his stuff. I don’t want any trace of him here. It’s all gotta go.” I said in an eerily calm way as I gave her a serious look.

“Are you ever gonna tell me what the hell happened? How are you in a drunken stupor over him one day, then completely back to normal the next?”

“You wanna know what happened?”, I snapped back at her. “He said I’m a fucking burden and inconvenience that he doesn’t have time for. We’re not compatible and it’s just not working for him anymore. There are better options out there, whatever the fuck that means…”

I gestured wildly with my hands as I spoke, my voice laced with anger. Lauren’s eyes got wider with each word. Her jaw hung open in shock.

“He really said all that?” She covered her mouth with one hand in disbelief.

“Yeah.” I raised my brows as I gave her a tight smile, then shrugged as I shook my head.

“Well, that wasn’t what I expected. I was hoping it was just a misunderstanding or something.”

“No. He ended it over the phone with those exact words.”

She sighed. “Ok, well that makes sense as to why he won’t respond to my texts.”

“Don’t try to contact him, please. It’s not worth your time.” I waved my hand dismissively at her.

She had an odd look on her face, like she was conflicted about something. It was gone as quickly as it appeared, then she was on to the next question.

“That doesn’t explain how you’re suddenly ok… going into work like nothing happened while smiling at the paparazzi like you're living your best life.”

“Oh, is that how it looks? Good”. It was the first thing in days that I actually felt good about, or at least decided that it was how I wanted to come across. “He doesn’t need to know I spent days wasted and depressed over his ass.”

“Talia, what is going on with you?” She now had a genuine look of concern.

“Lauren… I made a conscious decision to move past it. I don’t need him. I’m not gonna pine over someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It’s just gonna make me spiral again if I do.”

I stood to walk toward the kitchen to get something to drink out of the refrigerator. Lauren followed closely behind me, looking confused again.

She scoffed, “So what, you're choosing anger now? I’m not sure that’s the healthiest way to deal with this either.”

I whirled around to face her, almost bristling at the comment. “As opposed to causing my liver to die a slow death? I think it’s a pretty fucking good way of dealing with it. Besides, why wouldn’t I be mad? Those were some fucking hurtful things he said to me.”

Lauren nodded briefly in agreement, “Alright. Fair enough. I can’t argue with that logic.”

She sighed heavily as she leaned against the counter, taking the canned coffee beverage I offered her.

“I guess I should count my blessings. I really thought I was gonna have to come make you take a shower and force feed you after the last time I saw you.” She smiled as she opened her coffee.

I gave her a small laugh in return. She wasn’t wrong. I was a mess that day she came over.

She took a quick drink before changing the subject, “Well, I wasn’t gonna ask, but since you seem to be living your best life these days…I have that art fundraiser thing tomorrow. You wanna be my plus one? I have a painting on display.”

“Of course! I’m not gonna miss out on that.” I gave her a genuine smile this time. I knew that I had been very absent in our friendship lately, and I needed to do better. I wanted to do better.

“It’s kind of fancy. Do you have something to wear?” She grimaced slightly at her words, knowing I wouldn’t be too thrilled about it.

I sighed, “How fancy?”

“Like semi-formal.” She gave me a cheesy hopeful smile.

“I don’t think I do. I’ll go find something in the morning, just for you.”

Lauren bounced up and down, clapping in excitement. She moved to hug me around the neck.

“Thank you for going!” She said somewhat breathlessly. “It might be good for you to get out of the house and do something fun anyway,” she added as she pulled away.

Lauren left soon after that, in a considerably better mood than when she arrived. She seemed satisfied with my current state, which was probably a good thing. I really didn’t want her nagging me constantly. Above all else, I didn’t want her to spend time worrying about me. She had enough on her plate as it was.

After she left, I decided to get ready for bed a little early and watch TV until I fell asleep. Even though I outwardly appeared to be doing ok, sleep had been an issue since that call. It was restless and frequently interrupted for absolutely no reason other than I was wide awake with anxious energy. It was starting to become an issue again. Deep down, I knew it had everything to do with Dieter, but I refused to admit it to myself. I couldn’t allow myself to miss him in any type of way or else I was going to spiral again. I resorted back to taking melatonin, which seemed to be doing the trick for now. Hopefully that wouldn’t change.

I woke up around 8AM the next morning, feeling decently rested. I decided to go for a quick run before I showered. I had been slacking off on that lately and figured it might help me burn some energy off. I opted to go for a run around the neighborhood, making sure to go in the opposite direction of Dieter’s house. I didn’t want any surprises. After that, I got ready to go find a dress for the art fundraiser. I dressed in some ripped jeans and a plain black t-shirt. I threw a hat and sunglasses on for good measure, because, yes, I was that person now.

I decided to go to a local couture dress shop that Lauren and I had been successful at previously. Since it was a small boutique, I was hopeful I wouldn’t run into any issues while I was there. When I entered, one of the employees came over to assist me, introducing herself as Daniella. I gave her the details of what I was looking for, mentioning that it was for the art fundraiser that evening. As I said the words, I immediately wished I hadn’t done so. I needed to learn to keep details to myself instead of mentioning them to people I didn’t know. She left me for a few minutes as she went to pull some dresses for me. After she walked off, I took my sunglasses off and stuck them in the neckline of my shirt because I felt like a loser for wearing them inside.

While I was flipping through the racks, I noticed another employee staring at me with a perplexed look on her face. I sighed; I had a feeling she recognized me. I turned my back toward her and wandered off to another part of the shop, out of her sight, in hopes she hadn’t worked out who I was. Daniella appeared several minutes later with an arm full of dresses. The other employee trailed behind her holding several other options. She introduced herself as Emily. I gave her a polite smile as she continued to stare at me.

“I’m sorry to keep staring, but do I know you from somewhere? I feel like I’ve seen you before,” Emily said as she continued to look at me, her brows knitted together in a puzzled expression.

“I don’t think so. I’ve been here a few times. Maybe you saw me then.”

“I don’t think so, I haven’t worked here that long.”

I shrugged and gave her a tight smile, “I guess I just have one of those faces then.”

Emily gave me a nervous laugh in response. Daniella led me over to the fitting room as Emily followed. They started to tell me about the dresses they had pulled for me. They were particularly excited for me to try a sapphire blue lacy cocktail dress they insisted would look “amazing” with my skin tone.

I thanked them as I entered the dressing room and started trying things on. I could hear hushed voices outside the door as I worked my way through the dresses that I liked. I heard one of them whisper, “I think that’s her,” followed by several shushing sounds. I dropped my head and sighed heavily. It figures this would happen. I couldn’t get out of his shadow no matter how hard I tried.

I got down to the last dress, which was the blue lacy one they were raving about. It fit perfectly. It was a form fitting silky fabric with a lace overlay, showing off all my curves in a very flattering way. The lace fabric extended down several inches below the silk lining at the bottom allowing skin to show through. It had lace sleeves that set slightly off-shoulder and unlined lace around the midsection. It looked classy, yet sexy. I snapped a pic in the mirror and sent it to Lauren right quick. Then I moved to put my clothes back on. She replied just as I was finishing up.

LAUREN: That’s like a revenge dress! It’s perfect! GET IT!

I chuckled at her response. With Lauren’s approval, I was going with it. I really just wanted this shopping trip over with at this point. I was nervous how things were going to go once I walked out of the dressing room.

I put the plastic back over the dress and made my exit. Daniella, Emily, and another girl paused their conversation to turn and look at me with wide eyes. Daniella gave me an overly enthusiastic smile as she asked if I found what I needed.

“Yes, I think so. I actually love the blue one. Thank you.” I tried to give them a genuine smile as they kept staring at me.

“I think I’m ready to check out now.”

“Of course! Right… this way.” Daniella said.

“Are you that Natalia girl that’s dating Dieter Bravo?” Emily blurted out.

I gave a tight smile, “You caught me, yeah, that’s me.” I didn’t bother to correct her. It still hadn’t been confirmed that we had actually split up.

“Oh my gosh! I knew you looked familiar. Can I take a picture with you?”

“With me? No, I’m nobody to be taking pictures with,” I laughed nervously. She was about to protest when the third girl, whose name I didn’t know, poked her in the back to shut up. Daniella started the checkout process while the other two stood by awkwardly smiling at me. Emily spoke up again, “So are you going to the fundraiser with Dieter tonight?”

I tried to control the pained look on my face as I responded, “Umm no, he’s out town right now.”

“Oh, that’s a bummer, it would have been cool to see you with him in one of our dresses!”

“Yeah, sorry to disappoint.” I gave her a tight smile.

I was trying so hard to be polite even though I could feel myself slowly dying inside. After I collected my card and dress, I thanked them again as I put my sunglasses back on and made a quick exit to the car before they tried to ask me any more questions. I had to take a moment to calm myself when I got in the car. I could feel my heart racing in my chest from that interaction. This had to stop at some point, right? Maybe I should have said we split. Would that make people leave me alone or make things worse? I sighed. “This fucking sucks” I said out loud to no one as I started the car to go home.

I began getting ready for the event as soon as I got home. Afraid that if I didn’t keep myself busy, my mind would wander to thoughts of Dieter. I managed it successfully until Lauren came over. She was scrolling through her phone while she waited for me to finish up. “What the…” She groaned as she came over to show me a post shared by a fan account. One of the salesgirls at the boutique had seriously snapped a picture while I wasn’t paying attention and posted it. They included details about the dress I bought and the event I was attending. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I shouldn’t even be surprised at this point.

“Well, at least the picture is decent, and you are sort of smiling in it. They also said you were nice. That counts for something, right?” Lauren asked hesitantly, trying to brighten my mood.

“Yeah, at least they didn’t say I was a bitch. I’m sure that would have fueled more gossip.” I replied sardonically as I walked toward my closet to get dressed.

As I was pulling up the zipper on the back of the dress, I started to have flashes of memories. Dieter’s hand lightly brushing my back as he zipped me up the night we went to the club, our eyes meeting in the mirror while he adjusted the straps for me. I quickly shook my head to clear the thoughts. I had managed to keep those types of memories at bay for the most part. I didn’t want to start having them now.

I took a deep breath before reaching down to grab my shoes and walking out to see Lauren sitting on the edge of the bed, still scrolling through her phone. She looked up, her mouth hanging open slightly, “Hot damn. You look so fucking good in that.”

I laughed at her as I walked over to the dresser to grab the earrings I had set out, turning back to her as I put them on.

“Ok, I’m ready. I think.”

“I must take a picture of you. Pose please,” she said with excitement as she opened the camera on her phone.

I gave her my best model pose, my hands on my hips, with a playful smile before I burst into laughter at how ridiculous I felt while she snapped away.

“Damn, that’s actually a good picture.”

She turned her phone to show it to me. She had snapped the photo just as I was starting to laugh, so for once it looked like I had a genuine smile on my face.

“Hmm, send that to me. It might be Insta worthy.” I handed her phone back to her.

She got quiet for a minute as she started typing away on her phone, a determined look on her face.

“What are you doing?” I raised an eyebrow in her direction.

She briefly glanced up at me then went back to typing, “Nothing.”

“Lauren.” I said sternly.

She raised an eyebrow back at me, “Just making sure that jerk knows what he is missing.”

“What?!?!” I snatched her phone away just as she hit send. I turned it toward me to see what she had been doing. She had Instagram Messenger open to a conversation with her and Dieter. She sent him the picture with the message “Just wanted you to see what you’re missing out on, asshole.” Above that were several unanswered messages of her asking him what was going on and why he wouldn’t answer her. I realized there was a possibility that she had been missing him too. The three of us hanging out had become such a routine, particularly on Fridays, but it only just now occurred to me that he had bailed out on her as well.

I didn’t have too much time to consider those thoughts; as I was looking at the phone, the message status of the photo with Lauren’s comment changed to “seen” right as I looked at it. I could feel knots in my stomach, knowing that he was on the other end of the chat right now.

“Why the fuck would you do that?”

She shrugged, “Because it’s a big fuck you to him. He deserves it. You look hot and happy.”

I shook my head at her as I looked at it again. The little bubbles popped up indicating he was typing a message, then they stopped. I froze, waiting to see if he would respond. The bubbles started bouncing again, then his message came through.

My breath caught in my throat. I could feel my eyes stinging with tears.

“I’m glad to see she’s doing ok. You two have fun at the art fundraiser. Sorry I can’t be there like I planned.”

“What is it?” Lauren asked as she jumped up to walk toward me.

I handed the phone back to her, “He replied.”

I scoffed, grabbing my shoes to put them on. Wondering how he knew about the art fundraiser as I did so. I assumed he saw the dress shop post making the rounds on his fan accounts. Lauren stood there with her mouth agape. Looking from me to the message on her phone. She started typing again but I shook my head quickly.

“No. Please don’t talk to him. At least not while you're around me. I don’t wanna know anything he says.”

She gave me a sympathetic look, but then nodded at me as she put her phone away. “Alright. I hear you.”

“Let’s go. I don’t want you to be late,” I said, changing the subject.

We took an Uber over to the venue. I was surprised to find several paps outside waiting, because of course they were. They started yelling questions at me as soon as I stepped out of the car. Some of them tried flattery, telling me how nice I looked, before hitting me with questions about why Dieter wasn’t there with me. Lauren and I did our best to ignore them as we walked inside.

We made a beeline to see Lauren’s painting first. True to her style, it was bright and colorful. An open field full of different types of wildflowers framed by a setting sun. The intricate details of each flower were amazing. I, of course, showered her in praise as she turned beet red.

After that, we made our way around that exhibit, chatting with various people as we went. I was surprised when we bumped into Alex as we were walking into the next section. I couldn’t tell if he was surprised to be running into us or not. He gave me a nervous smile, seemingly not knowing how to act around me. I guessed that was normal, given the circumstances with his older brother. I tried to act like he was any other friend, smiling as I pulled him in for a quick hug and a polite hello.

“I didn’t know you would be here,” I said as we pulled away from one another.

“Yeah, I actually have a charcoal drawing on display,” he said, somewhat shyly.

“Oh yeah, what is it? I’ll have to make sure I go see it.” I gave him an encouraging smile.

“It’s the… massive elephant drawing.” He motioned with his hands to indicate its size.

“Cool, I love elephants. I bet it’s amazing.” A slight tinge of red formed on his cheeks.

Lauren stood next to me, a shy smile on her face, glancing between Alex and me.

“Lauren was telling me not long ago she wanted to learn more about charcoal drawing. You should tell her more about that.”

Their eyes darted over to each other, an odd smile playing at the edges of both of their lips. I stood there, giving them a questioning look when I heard someone call my name. It drew my attention away from my thoughts as I turned to see who it was. The tall blonde figure approached me, coming in for a quick hug.

“Max, the DJ, right?” I said with a joking tone. He laughed.

“I thought that was you. It’s so weird seeing you here. I just saw Dieter in New York yesterday.”

I grimaced slightly before answering, “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m happy you two got to catch up again so soon.”

“Yeah, he mentioned you guys aren't together anymore. I’m sorry to hear that. I really thought you were going to be different for him. He’s such a fucking idiot to mess that one up.” He gave a nervous laugh.

“Yeah, well, shit happens, I guess. So, you’re into art?” I asked, attempting to change the subject.

“Not really. I have a friend that has a painting on display. Just here for support.”

He shook his head as his eyes darted around my face. I had a feeling he was about to hit on me, and I hoped that wasn’t the case.

“So uhh, what are you doing after this? You free?” He didn’t seem anywhere near as confident as he did the first time I had met him.

I gave him a small laugh, “I think that's a loaded question.” My eyes started to dart around to look anywhere but at him. I noticed Lauren and Alex’s eyes on us. They were definitely listening.

“I’m not really looking to start anything new right now if that’s what you're asking.”

“Of course. I totally understand. Well, if you change your mind, give me a call.” He pulled a business card out of the inside pocket of his blazer and handed it to me. “It was good to see you again. You look beautiful tonight.” He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before walking off.

I had a feeling that I had a serious look of annoyance and agitation on my face as I watched him walk away. I turned my head to look over at Lauren and Alex, who were both trying not to laugh.

“What the actual fuck was that?” I asked them, to which they finally started laughing.

“I guess since you're good enough for the biggest star in Hollywood, they all want a piece of you now,” Lauren said jokingly.

“That’s not fucking funny,” I said sternly.

“I’m totally telling my brother that happened. He needs to know other men are already moving in. He fucked up.”

I turned to look at Alex directly in the eyes, a little taken aback by that statement. He wasn’t usually so blunt. Hell, he typically didn’t say much to me at all. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry. I gave him a tight smile and looked away. I was feeling some sort of emotion I couldn’t really decipher.

“Well, I don’t wanna interrupt you two and your art talk. I’m gonna go see the rest of the paintings. I’ll catch up with you later.”

I walked away, inhaling deeply as I went. Trying to steady my emotions before I lost control of them. I was being hit from all sides when it came to Dieter. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. I was so ready for the day to be over.

I made my way around the next exhibit of paintings, attempting to get lost in the pieces and not think about everything that had happened that day. Halfway through that section, I came to a large painting that immediately caught my attention. There was something familiar about it that caused a lump to form in my throat.

The painting was of a man and woman silhouetted in front of a swirl of gray and dark purple night sky. Stars were scattered around the background. One star shone brighter than the rest, just over the woman’s head. A blue fog surrounded them. The man’s face was completely in the shadows, but the woman’s was just slightly visible. I looked down to read the informational sheet posted below the frame and my breath caught in my throat.

Painting Name: La estrella del norte: La luz en la oscuridad (The North Star: The Light in the Darkness)

Description: The North Star is the light in the darkness that leads lost souls home.

Submitted By: Anonymous

I could feel my heart racing as I read through the information sheet multiple times. It took me several minutes to fully process what it said. Is that what he had been saying to me this whole time? I could feel my breath going shallow as I took it in. For the first time in months, I felt like I was going to have a full blown panic attack. I put my fingers up to the bridge of my nose and squeezed, begging the tears not to come.

“Fuck.” I said a little too loudly as I inhaled deeply, still trying to catch my breath. I could feel the stares from the people standing nearby and it felt like the room was closing in on me. I needed to get out of there. I walked away as fast as I could, attempting to find some space where there weren’t any people around. When I passed by Lauren and Alex, she followed right behind me, grabbing my arm to stop me.

“Are you ok?” She asked with a look of concern on her face.

“I gotta get out of here. I can’t take anymore today.”

I pulled my arm away from her and made my way toward one of the side exits. As soon as I was outside, I leaned against the wall, sucking the fresh air in as deeply as I could. It didn’t help with the lightheaded feeling I had, nor to steady my legs that suddenly felt weak, and it took everything I had in me not to crumble to the ground in tears.

After several minutes passed, I finally managed to get my breathing under control. I pulled out my phone to get an Uber so I could go home. Several frantic text messages from Lauren were on my lock screen, asking what was wrong and where I was right now. I briefly mentioned the painting and said I was going home, then continued with my original task of getting a ride.

Luckily, I didn’t get a chatty driver and made it home without any further drama. I briefly considered having the driver stop by the liquor store but managed to talk myself out of it. Once I was back into my safe space, the anxious feeling that had been lingering seemed impossible to shake off. I felt like I needed to further purge Dieter from my life for good.

I changed into my pajamas and went downstairs to my craft room. Staring at the painting I had started for Dieter, I realized it was all wrong. The colors were too bright and there were too many cheerful details. It needed to be darker, because at this point, we were both lost. I turned on some music, reached for a couple of tubes of darker paint, and went to work.

I started by covering the colorful sunrise with the dark night sky, using shades of navy and black, adding the glowing moon and stars of all shapes and sizes throughout. Including the most important one, the North Star. Once I was satisfied with the background, I began reworking the images in the foreground. I started by darkening the curtains over the window that framed the night sky. In front of the window was the surface of a dark wood table with a vase of three white roses and a gramophone, like the one at the house in Sonoma, now sitting bathed in moonlight. I darkened the colors on those items as well, but also gave them a soft ethereal glow.

It was a simple piece, but it packed in a lot of personal meaning. The white roses seemed to be a common theme between Dieter and me. Remembering that he mentioned the topic, I had looked into the meanings of flowers a little more while I was planning this project. White roses being a symbol of new beginnings still seemed to fit the current situation. They also meant everlasting love and eternal loyalty. As badly as he had hurt me, I knew a part of me would always love him and be loyal to him. Whether I wanted it or not. I also learned that the number of flowers often had meaning too. Three roses simply meant “I love you”.

The gramophone represented one of my favorite memories of us dancing to the sounds of the old antique when we were in Sonoma. I had gathered it was also something his parents would often happily do as well. So, I knew it would have double meaning for him.

I had originally planned to use the morning sunrise for the background. It reminded me of the first time he said he loved me, and wanted us to be together, as we laid in bed during the early morning hours. However, I now felt the dark night sky was more appropriate for so many reasons. We had been laying in the grass looking at the stars when I told him that I loved him for the first time. I wanted to remind him of my love as many ways as I could. Then of course, there was the fact that he had been calling me his North Star, which was the most prominent fixture in the background aside from the moon. I wanted him to know that I now understood what those words meant. I would always be his light in the darkness, and he needed to know that. So, with a little help from google, I signed the bottom right side of the painting with Tu Estrella del Norte (Your North Star). I continued to do final touches to the painting throughout the next week. Making sure it was the way I wanted it before I finally decided it was complete. (More after the image)

For the last round of Dieter’s mini home makeover, new furniture was scheduled to be delivered at the end of that week. Despite having reconsidered this earlier, I decided I would go ahead and handle it myself as planned. He was scheduled to be back in Canada for filming this week, so I wasn’t worried about him being there. Luckily the movers were quick at their jobs and got everything placed where I wanted in record time. After they left, I added the last few finishing touches of artwork and sculptures Lauren had curated for him. The last piece to go up was my painting. It would be the focal piece of the room. The darker colors I had switched to ended up working perfectly with the new color palette.

After I was done setting up everything, I went out to my car and grabbed the boxes of his personal belongings that I had packed at my house. I left them sitting on the counter in the kitchen, along with his house key and credit card. I took a few minutes to walk around, getting one last look at the place that had so quickly become my second home. Silently saying my final goodbyes to him as I made my way toward the front door. As I locked the door and closed it behind me, I felt a sense of relief after having fully purged him from my life once and for all. It also gave me some closure knowing that I was still able to say what I needed to him, without using any words at all - even if I didn’t get to do it that night over the phone. A/N: Anyone in tears yet? The painting thing hits the feels hard. Digital art is not one of my strengths, so forgive my poor attempt at creating the painting, but it gives you an idea of what I was going for. It looks better in my head. 🤣 For next chapter... we get asshole dieter and an interesting interaction with Lauren (which @for-a-longlongtime is still laughing about). I will post a teaser early next week and the chapter will follow as soon as final edits are done. Also, a big thank you to @for-a-longlongtime for working her magic beta skills on this chapter and putting up with me. She made it hit the feels so much harder with her edits.

We are going to hit rock bottom for Dieter starting in Chapter 24 and it's going to be rough. So, consider this your warning to start preparing. I'm not paying for your therapy bills, but happy to schedule a support group meeting afterwards. 🥴🤣 As always, please share your thoughts and theories. You know I'm a sucker for them. 💜 After you check out the chapter mood board (with a picture of the dress) included below, hope on over to this Today's Musings post to learn more about what is going on in Talia's head. Next Chapter

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @cakipy-blog @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury @weho2kcmo @missladym1981 @maried01 @pedrostories

Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

#dieter bravo #pedro pascal #dieter x ofc #dieter bravo fic #Destiny & Deliverance Series #pedro pascal characters #dieter bravo x ofc #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #Pedro Pascal Fanfic #dieter bravo x oc #dieter bravo fluff #dieter bravo fanfiction #pedro pascal smut #the bubble

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charmac · 2 months

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They’re not allowed to read fanfic? Darn, I kind of assumed Rob found your Twitter handle from reading your fic since he didn’t seem to do anything else on twitter when he followed you

So it comes down to the basic idea of copyright. It’s not illegal or technically even banned, but since RCG are creators, writers, producers, etc. on Sunny and not just actors, it’s really a dicey area for them.

The copyright laws/legality of fanfiction is actually really interesting, there’s a long, messy modern history of fighting for the right to publish and protect fanfiction from studios and/or creators claiming copyright infringement. This use to be a huge issue where authors would send cease and desists to websites like Fanfiction.net to take down all fanfiction of their work. OTW (Ao3) kind of spearheaded the right for fanfiction to exist apart from what it's derived from. The T standing for Transformative argues that because fanworks ‘transform’ the content they are based off, they are exempt from copyright law, as long as there’s no profit. So we cannot find ourselves in legal trouble for publishing fanfiction. As long as it's transformative (aka you're not just republishing source material), it's new/original content.

So that means fanfiction kinda has its own protections in return. As long as you're not profiting off of your work, you have a right to claim that your fanfiction and the ideas that are new/original belong to you. Which means if there is ever any proof that a creator read your work and then a later episode (or sequel, book, etc.) reflected anything you wrote that was not already in the source material prior to that, it can get very messy, in that there may be grounds for you to claim they profited off of your work. So most creators (writers especially) avoid reading fan works.

You can see why for a show like Sunny they might be especially careful reading anything, since there’s so much you can do in that show. If RCG have an idea for something as simple as The Gang Goes Camping, for example, but they’ve previously seen or read a fan work that hit that plot they’d be pretty inclined to never make the episode.

The basic idea being that you don’t want to hinder what you can in good conscience, with no legal issues, write, so you avoid fanworks all together.

I'll give you an example based on what happened with Charlie: he was in public and surrounded by fans and one fan hands him his spec script, or plot idea for an episode. If he had read it, all of a sudden whatever was on that paper becomes a legally grey issue in the writers room. If they liked the plot idea or dialogue (or whatever was on that paper) and end up using something in an actual episode, what claim does the fan now have? Everyone at the event could potentially tell you that this fan contributed to the show, so it's best not to read it. Don't risk ruling out a plot line you may have wanted, don't risk accidentally stealing from a fan, don't risk the show ending up in a legal battle.

Also, first anon: I still don't know why or have any solid proof as to how Rob found my account, but at the time he followed me I did have a 5hr old Tweet with ~15k likes reposting one of his TikToks and calling him the cringiest person alive. I didn't tag him or name him, he didn't like it, or interact with it or any of the replies or literally any other Tweet that day, but I have to imagine he saw it and that's why he followed me. Degradation kink overrules everything else.

#ask #fanfiction #what about aus? :)#could my plot ever happen? not until they invent time machines..#nah its still an issue i think they'd avoid bc dialogue and other potential plots #dennis is circumcised bc the first ever fanfic was about him being uncut and they couldnt risk the infringement #i made that up tbc... there were no fanfic claims back then #that fic was and is real tho #imagine the first thing anyone writes about your show is about your dick anatomy #well thats on brand for them im sure rob had a blast finding that

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p-redux · 2 months

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From my Inbox: Thanks, and thanks for your kind words!

Soooo, I was able to check out the info sent stating that the MOTHER of Sarah Holden's ex partner/father of her son recently started following Sam Heughan. To simplify things, let's refer to her as Sarah's ex mother-in-law.

The previously posted Anon said that Sarah's ex mother-in-law's latest following on her Instagram account is Sam Heughan. I followed the trail of the name provided, and it's TRUE! Sarah's ex mother-in-law DOES follow Sam! And no, she doesn't follow anything else Outlander related. So, this isn't a Scottish woman who "happens to be an Outlander fan." Read on for the info...

I blocked out names and faces because I don't want Sarah's ex or her ex mother-in-law to get harassed. But I can CONFIRM it's true. Let me show you.

So, I already knew Sarah's ex-partner's name. Here's his Facebook account. It has a pic of him with the son he shares with Sarah, and one of him with his new girlfriend. 👇

On his Facebook friends list is the account with the name I was given as belonging to his mother. He and his mother don't have the same last name, btw. 👇

I won't post the ex mother-in-law's Facebook account profile pic because I'd literally have to black out everything on the front. But there are pics and comments on her Facebook that make it CLEAR he is her son, and the boy is her grandson. Here's a pic on her account of Sarah's son with his father, her ex. Again, I'm whiting or blacking out most things.👇

Here are pics on her FB of Sarah's ex-partner, their son, and the ex-partner's new girlfriend. The same woman on his own FB profile pic. 👇

Here are pics on the ex mother-in-law's FB from years ago showing Sarah and her ex-partner when their son was born. 👇 Btw, he was her trainer and is 10 years older than her...just like Sam is.

Here is a pic on the ex mother-in-law's FB of Sarah and her son on Sarah's birthday 2021, and her ex mother-in-law wishing her a happy birthday. 👇

Okay, so now I've shown you PROOF POSITIVE that that Facebook account belongs to Sarah's ex mother-in-law. No doubt about that.

Onto Instagram. Since I was given her Instagram account name in my Inbox, I was able to find her IG account easily. She hasn't posted anything there, but does follow people.👇

Sarah's ex mother-in-law follows Sarah, of course. 👇

AND Lookie, Lookie Sarah's ex mother-in-law follows Sam! 👇

I looked at all her 190 follows and she does NOT follow any Outlander related people. Not one.

Sarah shares custody of her son with her ex. She is obviously still in her ex mother-in-law's life. Her ex is in a relationship with someone as we've seen. It stands to reason Sarah talks to her ex, and I would assume still talks to her ex mother-in-law, so she must have told her she's dating Sam. And then the ex mother-in-law was curious and followed Sam. 🤷‍♀️

For those who would ask, why would she follow Sam NOW if Sarah was "just friends" with him? Sarah and Sam have been following each other for about a year. If Sarah was friends with "Outlander actor, Sam Heughan" last year and told her ex mother-in-law, she would have told her then, and her ex mother-in-law would have already been following him. She followed him recently because she knows Sarah is dating Sam.

For the "why is no one in Sarah's family following Sam then?" I don't know, but they all have the last name Holden, so maybe they don't want to be obvious. Whereas, Sarah's ex mother-in-law has a different last name. Also, for the idiot Anons aka Extreme Shippers stating that the reason Valbo followed Sarah after she and Sam were at Hyrox Glasgow is because Sarah's brother works out at Valbo's gym. NOPE. I was shown the brother's IG account and he doesn't follow Valbo or Everyday Athlete Gym. More ES wishful thinking, but what else is new.

Anyhooo, to me, Sarah's ex mother-in-law following Sam is ANOTHER dot connecting #samarah.

Imagine the gorgeous blonde, baby blue-eyed Scottish bairns those two would have?! 😍

#samheughan #sam heughan #sarah holden #samarah #ex #ex mother-in-law #follows Sam

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wellbelesbian · 1 year

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carry on pornbots, what we know:

okay, so i’m sure many of you have noticed the carry on pornbot phenomenon that’s started happening, and i’m obsessed, so here is what i’ve put together so far. big thanks to the folks in the carry on server who found all the bots (at least, i think that’s all of them) and decoded some stuff!

if you’d rather see this all unfold for yourself, don’t click read more. but if you want to catch up or just keep your head straight, here’s everything i know:

so, the bots we know of so far, in no particular order. are:

Gareth @bucklemeup342

Daphne @strawberry-spreader-342

Natasha @headmistress-pitch-342

Smith Smith-Richards @the-real-chosen-one-422

The Minotaur @greekfurry342

Lamb @i-assure-you-im-real-223

Braden @youre-an-apocryphal-concept-223

Mitali @head-milf-in-charge-342

Jeff the were-badger @stay-out-of-the-quiet-zone-223

Ginger @level-me-up-223

Lady Ruth @i-eat-the-cake-422

Ebb @other-girls-definitely-count-342

also worth noting @real-cryptid-friend-shep-239, but we will get back to him.

we still don’t know what the numbers in these names mean.

most of the links in the urls lead to the ao3 page for their respective character or a ship they are involved in (for example Braden and Lamb both take you to their ship tag, which is woefully empty). however Jeff’s takes you to his ao3, the imdb page for I Was A Teenage Wereskunk and the wikipedia page for Carhenge.

so, the bots started appearing a few days ago, i think i got my first follow from one on boxing day, or maybe the day after. i didn’t pick up on the first few and blocked them. like many people, they came to my attention when Rainbow posted about them.

since then, Lamb, Braden and Mitali have been active.

first, Braden and Lamb had this exchange:

then Mitali responded to this ask from @thewholelemon

i messaged Ebb asking her to open her asks, and a few hours later when i checked again, all the asks that had previously been closed, such as Ebb and Daphne, had them opened. I’ve sent an ask to Ebb but she hasn’t responded yet.

then Braden reblogged this aftg art

i presume this was an accident and whoever is behind this meant to post it to their main account. or maybe it was a hint? Braden later added:

now seems like a good time to mention that Braden is double verified, which means not only time and effort but money has gone into this. i truly applaud whoever is behind it!

Braden also responded to another ask. this one is anonymous so it could have been sent by anyone.

finally, Gareth just posted this

and then there’s Shepard…

so, this account that resembled the others and was impersonating Shepard was found. in his bio is the link to his ao3 page and a rickroll.

but it isn’t like the others. it was created 3 months ago, it hasn’t followed anyone, and it posted some puzzles.

the first was this

which @raenestee figured out was hexadecimal code and spells out ‘Las Vegas’.

then came

which @thewholelemon worked out was page, line and word numbers in Wayward Son. that spells out “This is not Shepard”

then finally there was this wordsearch

@onepintobean found the word ‘contact’, then @yellobb solved the rest

and that’s all Shepard has given us. it’s funny, but personally, i don’t think it’s the same person/people behind this account as it is behind all the others.

but that’s it for now! i’ve reached the limit for photos i can add and that’s about all the information i can think of. i might add to this, we’ll see how complicated it gets. but either way it’s a lot of fun, especially to keep track of in real time. massive kudos to whoever is running all this!

#carry on bot shenanigans

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ottiliere · 1 year

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I love crawling out of the depths, opening up tumblr, and seeing your art. I love it.

it is quite interesting how social media can fall to the wayside, and people on the internet can just disappear forever if they really wanted to! I admit I struggle to keep up with "public accounts", they are uniquely stressful and I solute your hibernating tenacity. always lovely to see you resurface regardless, thank you very much for the lovely compliment...

I will say in case any of my dear followers were wondering where i've gone for the past month and a half, for weeks i've been pondering how to even broach the enormity of the topic that is: I made the mistake of thinking about my most favorite character for more than 2 minutes in one sitting. I intentionally go out of my way to avoid this and have many strategies to evade this occurring because every time I do enter a sort of hermetically sealed mental chamber where it's just me and him and his life and I begin to ignore all points of previously established social contact and also my health indefinitely. It's difficult to convey the emotional experience of this or its psychic magnitude. and it's hard to say "guys i really love this character!" because that's just words. you can't see it. the 10 years of obsessively thinking about some guy so intensely on&off cyclically until you've made 20 different worlds he's living in... how does one convey the depth of these without artistically depicting them as you see them to be...? i am trying to figure it out. currently planning a longform comic for my favorite and several smaller comics for others, but logically an individual can understand this takes a while... he and I have had multiple rendezvous over the past decade and I wish I had more "historical" art to show but for many of these years I have been a bit too physically disabled to draw, the past several weeks have been spent attempting to recreate his ideal form as he exists in my head. he is starting to come around!

I typed up three separate disquisitions last month to try and explain my feelings on him and none of them felt like the proper vessel to communicate this concept. which is likely for the best. the obvious answer is "just draw him". fine with this being the case, difficult when I have so many drawing ideas I'm now sitting on 100+ works in progress and they just keep accumulating since my brain generates these like an old laptop you leave in the corner of your room to mine bitcoin. in a way I'm content with this being a very "personal" experience thus far, shared with me and those in my inner social circle (really cannot emphasize to my readers enough how fandom can poison your constitution without self-checked moderation). however... I yearn to meet others who are as passionately involved with him as I am, because I think we could coalesce our ideas, and passion, into something beautiful...

^dio brando

#lucy art #might seem humorous to you that I get so emotional over dio brando every day that I get nauseated and sometimes cry. but tis my atlas #i could not tell you if jojo is actually good by the way outside of sbr which is the best part objectively #dio relapses occur ~once every 2 years and whenever they do i reread dio the invader thirty times and nothing else in the series #hes the only character ive ever bought merchandise for..I hated history until I met him now i can't read any kind of fiction but historical #sorry by the way to use your innocuous compliment as an excuse to talk about dio. wish it was not contrarian to my nature to just make #''posts'' publicly unprompted. i prefer to journal... i don't know how active I will be after this post even. will likely just go back to #sitting with him in a dark room until I finish any/all of the projects I've started #which is mildly unfortunate since I love to collaborate in the marketplace of ideas... my compatriots are out there somewhere #jojo is more popular than it was ''back in my day'' i don't know maybe some of you guys like it. asks always welcome lord knows #I've already pestered my friends with thousands of words about him already over this past month #sidenote: sasha askblog is not abandoned + never will be... it is a fun side project. like many things in life. much planned for him too

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sadrockandwaltzes · 7 months

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Macbeth

My teacher is trying to argue that the character of Lady Macbeth is supposed to be a warning story about a woman who defies her gender role and dies for it. This kind of bothers me.

Looking it up, it seems that many sites and essay seem to have a similar opinion. Personally though, I think the play is a little more feminist/attacking gender roles.

You could argue that the problem in the play was the strict gender roles that characters were placed in. Lady Macbeth felt stifled in her role as a woman, and wasn't able to perform the most important duty of a woman at that time- having a baby. Her restrictions on what she could be, especially since she couldn't perform her female role either, led to her resentment of femininity and weakness. In her husband, she saw all the potential to do and be the things she couldn't become, and resented him for squandering his privilege. She made to live through him by orchestrating his ascension to the throne and assuming that this would allow her more power. It didn't though.

Through her berating of her husband and him being encouraged to go forward in his ambition, greed, and violence, (to be a man, as his wife put it- a hard standard that most men feel compelled to try to prove themselves as) he lost himself and all the good qualities in him. What she saw as femininity and weakness was actually his heart and loyalty- the things that made him beloved and a good soldier and friend. The thing that made King Duncan a good King. While trying to use her husband to elevate herself, she failed to recognize her effect on him, and the kind husband she had married turned on her. He was crowned, and she still wasn't happy or felt like she was more powerful. She started to wonder if all the actions she had taken were worth it. Nothing in her life had improved, and by using masculinity against her husband, she had actually made both of their lives worse. Realizing all of this, she suddenly felt the full weight of her emotions and guilt which had previously been buried under her anger and ambition. She repressed her emotions for so long that they caused her to hallucinate, and in a fit of madness, she killed herself.

But things with Macbeth weren't good either. He had given up the parts of himself that allowed him to be happy and connect with others, and the toxic masculinity he was engaging with made him constantly paranoid, anticipating fights and seeing enemies everywhere. This was partly because his kindness was sacrificed for his goals, but it was still an innate part of himself, and just re-manifested as guilt. He knew he wasn't supposed to be like this, and he didn't want to be, but he'd gone too far to return, and he knew that the only end for him was death. Even villains were expected to stay strong in their beliefs and not admit fault or apologize. He would be seen as weak, and he would be killed regardless of what he did. So the rest of the play followed with Macbeth playing the waiting game on his death- not allowing himself to just give up, but knowing and dreading the end. His death was also a kind of suicide, but more on the lines of Dally from The Outsiders. He couldn't be seen as weak by killing himself, but he put himself/continued on in a situation that he knew would end in his death.

I don't know that Shakespeare was thinking this hard about it, but it seems to me, the real enemy was the expectations that characters faced on account of their gender. Essentially, the enemy was the patriarchy. At the very least, I think that Shakespeare was a feminist minded guy (as much as anyone could be in his time) as he usually made a point of having strong female characters or giving them death. I believe he had a lot of respect for women, and thus did not sentence LMB to die for being a not womanly woman, but simply to show that not even the villains were safe from the harm they inflicted. And also because people like to see the villain pay their dues. But don't go lumping Billy Shakes with the guy who modeled the villain after his wife who he had issues with

#macbeth #lady macbeth #In defense of a bad main character #feminist reading #great gatsby #william shakespeare #I spent my whole lunch break on this 😅#should just make a series for school related rants like this #f scott fitzgerald #Teacher grievances

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luminouslumity · 1 year

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THOUGHTS ON: ARIADNE and ELEKRA

So I've reentered my Greek myth phase and I just want to talk about these two books for just a second!

First off, look how beautiful the covers are! And second, out of all these authors who've been retelling the Greek myths, Jennifer Saint is definitely one of my favorites! Something I've always hated about a lot of retellings (even with ones I've liked) is how characters are brought down in order to elevate the likability of another, even if that character has had no basis of being petty or cruel previously. And honestly, I probably wouldn't find it nearly as irritating as I do now if it weren't done with the same characters over and over again, with many of these stories having absolutely nothing new to say! Because then it just feels less like the author is trying to be revolutionary and more like they're just following a trend. And where's the challenge in that?

Enter Ariadne, a story all about challenging perspectives, about how appearances can be deceiving, even those made by the decent ones. Of course, you have Theseus with his abandonment of Ariadne after building himself up to be the greatest hero since Heracles, but later on, you also get Perseus; whom Ariadne comes to despise both because of his beheading of Medusa and because of his refusal to let his people worship Dionysus... until she actually meets the guy and finds that not only is he actually really nice and in a very complicated situation, but she herself even acknowledges that her perception of heroes may have been warped because of what Theseus had done to her, all while still having Perseus as an enemy.

As for Elektra, I actually liked it more than I did Ariadne, but also didn't, if that makes sense. So take Helen for example. How many times have we seen her as either vapid or selfish, someone who doesn't care that lives were lost in her name? Well, in this book... I wish we could say we get the opposite of that, but the thing is, this portrayal of Helen has very little personality to even speak of other than being nice! Seriously, even what led her to run away with Paris is treated with complete ambiguity! Like, I prefer it to her being demonized (Atwood, Miller to an extent) or desperately longing for freedom to the point of selfishness (Gill, Heywood), but that's not really saying much, is it?

Compare this to the Epic Cycle, where we get scenes like this:

Then Iris went as messenger to white-armed Helen, in the likeness of her husband’s sister, the wife of Antenor’s son, she whom Antenor’s son, lord Helikaon, held—Laodike, most outstanding in beauty of all of Priam’s daughters. She found Helen in her chamber; she was weaving a great cloth, a crimson cloak of double thickness, and was working in the many trials of the Trojan horse-breakers and bronze-clad Achaeans, trials which for her sake they had suffered under the hand of Ares. Standing close, Iris of the swift feet addressed her: “Come this way, dear bride, and see the marvelous deeds of the Trojan horse-breakers and bronze-clad Achaeans, who earlier carried war and all its tears against each other into the plain, in their longing for deadly battle; these men now sit in silence, the war stopped, leaning on their shields, their great spears fixed upright beside them; and Alexandros and Menelaos beloved by Ares are to fight with their great spears on your account; and you will be called wife of that man who is victor.”

So speaking the goddess aroused in Helen’s heart sweet longing for her husband of old, her city and her children.

[...]

“Honored are you to me, dear father-in-law, and revered, and would that evil death had pleased me at that time when I followed your son here, abandoning my marriage chamber and kinsmen, my late-born child, and the lovely companions of my own age. But that did not happen; and so I waste away weeping. [...]”—Homer, Iliad (trans. Caroline Alexander)

And this:

“Come here; Alexandros summons you home; he is there, in his bedroom, on his bed that is inlaid with rings, shining in beauty and raiment—you would not think that he came from fighting a man, but rather that he was going to a dance, or had just left the dance and was reclining.”

So she spoke; and stirred the anger in Helen’s breast. And when she recognized the goddess’ beautiful cheeks and ravishing breasts and gleaming eyes, she stood amazed, and spoke out and addressed her by name:

“Mad one; why do you so desire to seduce me in this way? Will you drive me to some further place among well-settled cities, to Phrygia or lovely Maeonia? Perhaps there too is some mortal man beloved by you—since now Menelaos has vanquished godlike Alexandros and desires that I, loathsome as I am, be taken home. Is it for this reason you stand here now conniving? Go, sit yourself beside him, renounce the haunts of the gods, never turn your feet to Olympus, but suffer for him and tend him forever, until he makes you either his wife, or his girl slave. As for me, I will not go there—it would be shameful—to share the bed of that man. The Trojan women will all blame me afterward; the sufferings I have in my heart are without end.”

Then in anger divine Aphrodite addressed her: “Do not provoke me, wicked girl, lest I drop you in anger, and hate you as much as I now terribly love you, and devise painful hostilities, and you are caught in the middle of both, Trojans and Danaans, and are destroyed by an evil fate.”

So she spoke; and Helen born of Zeus was frightened; and she left, covering herself with her shining white robe, in silence, and escaped notice of the women of Troy; and the divine one led her.

When the women arrived at the splendid house of Alexandros, the handmaids swiftly turned to their work, and she, shining among women, entered into the high-roofed chamber; then laughter-loving Aphrodite, taking a stool for her, placed it opposite Alexandros, the goddess herself carrying it. There Helen took her seat, daughter of Zeus who wields the aegis, and averting her eyes, reviled her husband with her words: “You’re back from war; would that you had died there broken by the stronger man, he who in time past was my husband. Yet before this you used to boast that you were stronger than Menelaos, beloved by Ares, in your courage and strength of hand and skill with spear; go now and challenge Menelaos beloved by Ares, to fight again, face-to-face—but no, I recommend you give it up, and not fight fair-haired Menelaos man-to-man, or recklessly do battle, lest you be swiftly broken beneath his spear.”—Homer, Iliad (trans. Caroline Alexander)

And if you want to look beyond the Iliad itself, there's also this:

Next comes the Little Iliad in four books by Lesches of Mitylene: its contents are as follows. The adjudging of the arms of Achilles takes place, and Odysseus, by the contriving of Athena, gains them. Aias then becomes mad and destroys the herd of the Achaeans and kills himself. Next Odysseus lies in wait and catches Helenus, who prophesies as to the taking of Troy, and Diomede accordingly brings Philoctetes from Lemnos. Philoctetes is healed by Machaon, fights in single combat with Alexandrus and kills him: the dead body is outraged by Menelaus, but the Trojans recover and bury it. After this Deiphobus marries Helen, Odysseus brings Neoptolemus from Scyros and gives him his father's arms, and the ghost of Achilles appears to him. Eurypylus the son of Telephus arrives to aid the Trojans, shows his prowess and is killed by Neoptolemus. The Trojans are now closely beseiged, and Epeius, by Athena's instruction, builds the wooden horse. Odysseus disfigures himself and goes in to Ilium as a spy, and there being recognized by Helen, plots with her for the taking of the city; after killing certain of the Trojans, he returns to the ships. Next he carries the Palladium out of Troy with help of Diomedes. Then after putting their best men in the wooden horse and burning their huts, the main body of the Hellenes sail to Tenedos. The Trojans, supposing their troubles over, destroy a part of their city wall and take the wooden horse into their city and feast as though they had conquered the Hellenes.—Proclus, Chrestomathia

And this:

Concerning Aethra Lesches relates that when Ilium was taken she stole out of the city and came to the Hellenic camp, where she was recognised by the sons of Theseus; and that Demophon asked her of Agamemnon. Agamemnon wished to grant him this favour, but he would not do so until Helen consented. And when he sent a herald, Helen granted his request.—Pausanias

Say what you will about society in Ancient Greece, but it really is sad when the source material is even slightly more progressive than the retellings are, such as when Helen tries to resist Aphrodite. And that's not to say Helen has never been given a more assertive personality before, but when she is, it's usually at the expense of making Menelaus a terrible husband (again, Gill, Heywood). The only other one I can think of that even comes close to this without attacking another character is The Private Life of Helen of Troy by John Eriskine, and not only did it come out in 1925, but it's a sequel anyway too.

Going back to Elektra, I'm surprised there has yet to be a generational series on the House of Atreus as a whole, because wow did I forget how messed up this family was and I love it! You've got your family drama, your betrayals, your cycle of vengeance! And with Pelops' line specifically, it all leads up to a mother avenging her daughter and a daughter avenging her father. It's perfect! But seriously, if anyone knows of a show or book series covering Tantalus and his bloodline, please tell me!

Which brings me to Agamemnon, whose portrayal here I found to be interesting. So something about Elektra is that it's told from three different PoVs, and because of that, each views Agamemnon in a certain way: to Clytemnestra, he's the proud warrior who killed their eldest daughter; to Elektra, he's the kind father whom she misses dearly; to Cassandra, he's her captor and destroyer of her city. And even then, we still get these tiny glimpses of his true self beneath his usual stern exterior—that of an insecure man who's desperately trying to make something out of his family name after reclaiming his home, a name that had already been cursed since long before he was born. But maybe he can change that by gaining glory in war... even if it means sacrificing his own daughter for a fair bit of wind.

Then you have the clear parallels that are drawn between Clytemnestra and Elektra as the book goes on, simultaneously sympathizing and condemning both for the actions they take. Even Aegisthus probably would've been seen as a hero if this were any other story. And I feel like this is true to the original Oresteia as well, how not one person can be categorized as being solely a hero or villain, but human.

So go ahead and give me the love story of Hades and Persephone, but remember that it's mournful Demeter's tale as much as it is theirs.

Give me the stories of the women and goddesses who have long been ignored throughout the centuries, but remember that it's possible to write such tales without having there be a need to drag those around them down.

Give me love, give me drama, but most of all, give me understanding and complexity.

And going back to the books themselves, honestly, if there was anything negative I had to say about both of them is that the myths are retold pretty directly for the most part, something I myself didn't actually have much of a problem with, but I understand may be a turn-off for some people, especially if you're looking for something a little more deviating from the source material in terms of characterization. Also, for some reason, both Greek and Roman spellings are used, instead of just sticking to one, hence why I've been using Elektra instead of Electra, but not Klytemnestra and Kassandra for, well, Clytemnestra and Cassandra. Not unique to Saint, but still no less jarring.

Like I said, of the two, Elektra was probably my favorite, but there were still a ton of problems I had with it, some more nitpicky than others, I'll admit. I already went over my feelings on Helen, but besides that, seeing more of Elektra's relationship with her father before he goes off to war would've been nice to see too. I also feel like if each book absolutely had to be named after a single character, then I kinda think this one should've been called Clytemnestra instead since it really did feel more like her story than Elektra's, at least for me. Some parts also felt a little rushed, especially with how the final chapter just jumps from Elektra getting her revenge to the epilogue describing what had happened afterwards instead of actually showing it, which makes me wish this book had either been a little longer or divided into a duology—one part focusing on Clytemnestra getting her revenge while the other is focused on Elektra's, similar to how Aeschulys divides them in his Oresteia trilogy. Or if neither of these solutions while still keeping the book at the same length, then maybe Cassandra's PoVs could've even been saved for her own book instead.

Speaking of Cassandra, there's also the fact that her fate ends up being a mercy kill rather than the cold-blooded murder it was in the original, basically absolving Clytemnestra of any wrongdoing when it came to this. Admittedly, I wasn't as annoyed over it as I could've been and the choice made sense to me as far as the presentation of the characters in the novel are concerned, but at the same time, it'd be nice to see more retellings actually portray Clytemnestra as so far gone by the time Agamemnon returns that she ends up killing an innocent in cold blood rather than just being a mournful mother out for revenge. Seriously, it's possible to do both.

And as for Elektra herself, the fact that it is very heavily implied she has the complex that's been named after her is just... no. And if that's the case, here's hoping Saint never does an Oedipus retelling. I can handle it with the gods because they're gods, but not when its mortals.

Also, the fact that Theseus isn't even mentioned once in Elektra despite the fact that he (and Pirithous) tried to kidnap Helen when she was twelve always felt like a missed opportunity to me, especially considering the book was published after Ariadne, where Theseus is of course a major character and him and Pirithous trying to kidnap Persephone is actually mentioned. It wouldn't have added anything to the story, but I still think addressing that little connection would've been neat.

And yet despite all of this, I still loved it, as well as Ariadne, flaws and all. But here's hoping Atalanta will be even better!

#greek mythology #jennifer saint #ariadne #elektra #theseus #hippolytus #phaedra #clytemnestra #cassandra #helen of troy #helen of sparta #menelaus #agamemnon #house of atreus

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iltaimpi · 10 months

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JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo OC: Melania Zatta

{Yes, I have a Part 5 OC. Here she is.

Her name is Melania Zatta (also spelt Melonia, but usually the former to avoid extra association with Melone).

Zatta is a (seemingly less common) Italian word for cantaloupe, so, yes, technically Melonia is meant to be in reference to the word melone (as cantaloupe is, of course, a melon) but not the character.

A member of Passione. Though previously I had not definitively confirmed which 'faction' she's a part of, given the context I typically depict her in, she's most likely a member of La Squadra (or at least close with the group). On this topic, I remember making a joke: "Imagine leaving for like a week and coming back to all your friends dead" (this of course, is a joke, but seeing as I have no other description for her whereabouts during canon events, until or unless I come up with something else, I'll just let it sit). This is probably part of what led me to assign her as a member of La Squadra, alongside the fact that described uses of her Stand's ability are often in the context of assassination.

She's an Italian native, though from which part specifically is unclear; perhaps from Toscana or maybe she's just from Napoli, which is, in any case, where she presently lives (in the context of Part 5's timeframe). She's an adult of indeterminate age, perhaps in her 20s or 30s.

She stands at, by implication of her own word, "about" 5'2".

She's known for her harsh personality and temper, and most particularly, best known for her ridiculously tall platform stilettos—7 inches tall, by her account; stilettos with a very distinct click. You’d think with those fucking shoes that you could hear her coming a mile away, but you’d be wrong; she makes it a habit of sneaking up on people silently and prides herself on her reputation for it. Oh, she's also pretty well-known for the distinct fact that she happens to only have one fucking eyebrow (her left eyebrow).

She's also well known to carry some sort of parasol or umbrella around, and when asked about it, her excuse varies. A fairly common explanation she gives is that it's to 'protect' her 'sensitive eyes' from the sun.

She's a Stand User, naturally, as most members of Passione are; her Stand is...

「Beatophone」.

「Beatophone」 is a blind, humanoid, Close-Range Power Type Stand which follows only sound.

Its ability is sensitivity to and manipulation of vibration. It has incredibly sensitive hearing, partially because it can detect vibrations in the air, so it can track even the slightest sounds when in pursuit. It cannot see at all, so it uses sound to find its targets. It has some control over vibration and uses this to create little scrap creatures, affectionately called Beatofini, as constituents.

There's not really one form for the Beatofini, considering they're made of random metal pieces. It depends on the available scraps. "Scraps" is a loose term, anything metal that is not attached to anything is included—silverware, pins, scissors, etc... all work fine. Essentially, if Risotto can make it with 「Metallica」, it's probably fair game.

The Beatofini are generally hollow, so vibrations can travel. Since these creatures constantly vibrate to keep form and stay together, their hearing is diminished, meaning they can only follow louder noises or jitter about awkwardly looking for a target. They're not well attuned and have little power; but that's for the better, because they do not need to have power. They're not meant to attack, but to hunt and track down. Because they're small, hollow and held together by vibrations, they are easily destroyed... loudly.

Their main function is more of a detector. When they find a target, they self-destruct, either releasing the vibrations and falling apart to make a fuckton of noise, or gathering a burst of vibration to essentially explode, aiming to also make a fuckton of noise (though less precise as the pieces go everywhere) as well as to injure the target by flinging fucking metal at them. Even if it does not get a chance to self-destruct, if the target destroys it themself, they're sealing their own doom. However it happens, the destruction of the Beatofini will attract the Stand towards the target, and if it lands a hit, it's devastating—it's quite a powerful Stand.

Much like Notorious B.I.G., running from it is ill-advised, since running is, like, the loudest form of walking.

「Beatophone」 itself is also somewhat 'sentient', but not anywhere near to a 「Spice Girl」 extent.

It can recognise voices—or rather, it can moreso learn to recognise voices, or become familiar with voices, as well as gaits and other distinctive auditory traits. It just needs a certain amount of exposure, so in an environment that Zatta deems safe, she tends to leave it out so it can learn the voices and auditory distinctions of her teammates and friends. Familiarity is accumulative; even once it can recognise a voice, it can still fail to properly identify it if the voice changes tone, develops an impediment or uses a different accent or language. Perfecting recognition requires a lot of exposure, it gets more accurate over time, so the members of La Squadra (and anyone else she works with or considers friends) probably see quite a bit of 「Beatophone」.

It recognises (and, perhaps, likes) Ghiaccio best, but often seems to 'act huffy' around him—he's loud. It cannot recognise Risotto very well though it tries its best, because, of the assassins, he's one of the quietest. It actually recognises him best by his gait and the sound of his hat! 「Babyface」 (Junior) constantly changes, and while each iteration sounds roughly the same to everyone else, they're apparently all different enough that 「Beatophone」 can never quite identify its voice proper.

It's also fairly quiet despite having a mouth, largely because of its sensitivity to sound and its inability to navigate through anything but sound. It typically only 'speaks' (like most Stands, outside of Stand telepathy, it can only say its Stand cry) once it's stationary, and will only do its Stand cry once it's located its target so it does not have to listen anymore. Additionally, it has a mechanism for muffling its hearing (when its 'ears' are folded up, sounds are more subdued to it) before it does its Stand cry so it can avoid blasting its own (and Zatta's) hearing out. Other than a Stand cry in battle, it's typically silent and emotes through mouth expression and body language. Compared to Zatta herself, it's pretty mild-mannered.

Zatta’s true reasons for carrying her umbrella everywhere are unclear, but it comes in handy for directing her Stand towards people by tapping the sharp ferrule on the ground, assuming it’s not on grass, dirt or sand. In a similar vein, one of the reasons Zatta wears heels all the time is for when she does have her Stand out for acclimation; she wears the stilettos so 「Beatophone」 can follow the click of her heels.

She has killed without her Stand before.

She's aggressive, especially towards men, but tends to be slightly less aggressive towards other members of La Squadra, in particular, Risotto, Sorbet and Pesci. For the most part, the others understand the difference between genuine aggression and her normal harshness, through which she is still affectionate to her friends. She's fairly closer with and prefers Risotto's presence for his quietness (same with Sorbet, at least to an extent), but actually gets along with Ghiaccio very well, possibly even the best despite his loudness. Formaggio is one of the main targets of her agitation as she simply finds him 'annoying'.

Still, she cares about all of them, and if something terrible were to happen to any of her teammates, the impact on her would be heavy.

She's heavily implied to have a very rough past, involving some kind of horrific accident as a child that may contribute to her poor vision, but she obviously never talks about it. She apparently had killed someone shortly before she was brought into Passione and subsequently joined La Squadra.

She has a transient, wanderlusting sister who goes by Archetta, who she rarely seems to interact well with when they do happen to interact, and is possibly related to a peculiar wandering pariah named Angurio Romano. Adventure, travel and wanderlust seem to be a constant in her family, except when it comes to Melania herself, who sees no reason to leave Italia, and has allegedly never felt much of a desire to leave the country (or even the city of Napoli, frankly).

Unless I've forgotten something, that's all as far as a basis goes. Feel free to ask about her.

}

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