#so I really hope I can stay on Wellbutrin

[brightgnosis]

My Husband woke me up from a Nightmare this morning; I'd been dreaming that his medication had made him better (great!), but that he'd come to realize he hated how depressed and negative I was all the time and was going to leave me (bad!). Apparently I was crying and whimpering in my sleep while the dream was going on. He didn't know why I was doing it, so he jumped off the couch and dive-bombed across the bed to wake me up. And thank God for it, too.

In my head I know that it was really just a medium for my brain to spew my own hatred at me; everything that got said in the dream were all the words I tell myself whenever I'm beating up on myself when I'm depressed (which I have been lately. It's just currently on the backburner so I can take care of my Husband right now; we tend to do that for one another a lot). My brain just used him as the mouthpiece for them.

Which hurts, of course. No one wants to dream that their spouse is leaving them (that kind of dream is infinitely worse than the "I'm cheating on my spouse" dream, which I also hate having). But I know it's not an indicator of how he really feels about me- nor any real worries about our relationship, or him getting medicated for his depression and anxiety finally (I'm so proud of him on that front).

Speaking of, I haven't updated on that lately: He switched off the Abilify due to severe Insomnia problems with it, and is now trialing Wellbutrin. He's experiencing a bit of the insomnia, spiked anxiety, and aggression issues that it's known to cause. But ZzzQuil seems to help with at least half the insomnia problems, and he's got a hold on the aggression pretty well- the anxiety, though, not so much. But it does seem to be actively helping overall, even though he's in a rough emotional state in general over his mom right now (which the anxiety spikes aren't helping). It's a known 1 to 2 months before people level out on it, though, so we've gotta wait it out to know for sure, since the onboarding for this one sucks hardcore. But he's been happy with the results and loves it thusfar!

Still. He held me for a bit while we laid there and just existed together; I tried to get back to sleep, but my brain just wouldn't let me. It didn't want to chance that I'd fall back into that same dream again. So I left him to sleep and got up and made myself a cup of Coffee with the new White Mocha creamer that I got.

His mom was sitting up in the Livingroom again when I was up there. We spoke for a bit while I was waiting on my cup to soak. Apparently she was up before everyone else this morning and in so little pain she was able to get herself some food and get to the chair on her own (using the Rollator, of course). I woke my Husband up very gently to tell him when I came back down, that way he'd have some happy news, since he'd mentioned crying again when he woke up before me this morning. He seemed happy to hear it. I hope it helped and translates into better dreams for him.

Today we were planning on either going to the Botanical Garden so I could take my camera out and photograph some stuff emerging. Or the other option was to stay here and plant the Lily and Iris bulbs we picked up the other day, and potentially measure the Garden. I couldn't make up my mind last night when he asked which one I wanted to do (since we both know I'm only going to have the energy for one)- but I didn't know it was a holiday then. Now that I do, I'm going to stay here.

I can walk the bounds, get the back garden measured and evaluate it for the season (we have no idea what state they've left it in), and get to work starting to get the Garden opened up finally. Plus, planting bulbs on the Liturgical New Year just sounds so wonderful; a lovely little idea. And I've also gotta do my other set of Yearly Divination that I do on the Liturgical New Years anyways, too. So that's probably (hopefully) going to be my day once I wake my Husband up here, soon.

#Personal #2024 #Alphabet Soup #Multiple Myeloma #Depression #Calendar Nonsense #Divination #Daily Life #She Called Me 'Her Ruth' #Trigger Warning

[growtiredofpublicvulnerability]

it’s wild to think back that like hmm when i was not even 2 months past 18 i got sent to the #ward and stayed there for three nights… They really don’t let you leave when you get there my parents tried to take me back to redacted and they were like no you can only transfer in an ambulance and they can’t cross state lines without approval. i was like well I’ll just stay here then. they put me on prozac and ativan which actually i never took the Ativan but i took the prozac and i was allergic so that’s a fun fact. my psych told my mother to get me an allergy test in case other meds might give me a similar reaction but she never found a place that would do an allergy test for ssris. then my psych was like “let’s try wellbutrin. you don’t have an eating disorder or anything like that right” and i was like mm? and my mom was like “no nothing like that.” by the end of my time in the place this lady was mad at me bc i was getting out before her which … valid i guess but then she was like “i didn’t even try to **** myself all i did was have some wine and too many pills accidentally. you tried to **** yourself!” And i was just sitting there thinking Lady we all saw you get brought in here… be serious. beyond that i met some lovely people. Nolan if you are out there i hope you’re thriving. same to you grumpy man who told me just how expensive it is to be inpatient and that he’d been there for two weeks and that i should never let them keep me there. and i never went back 🫡 even though in theory i love the idea of inpatient care bc sometimes you need a high level of support and trying not to be suicidal is hard. it’s just there is so much deeply wrong with psychiatry and the way psych wards work… cannot believe there are records out there documenting my mental health history. no one should know i was in there except me and the people who were in there with me. but now…

[almostperfectstarlight]

1/18/24

I just turned down a recruiter today because I didn't care for their tone or the way they rushed the phone call I had with them yesterday. I'm prefer to stay working in the Cloud IT space and I'm at a point in my career where I can be a bit choosy. I do need to update my resume however. I'm not sure if I want to stick around at my current job for awhile. I used to work at one of the widest recognized companies in the world as a contractor but I was laid off. I now know I can ask for significantly more than I had and have been making because I have that experience under my belt. Money doesn't go as far as it used to and I'm on a lot of debt because of long covid fucking up my brain, chronic illness and being chronically depressed. I've dug myself into a hole and I've found myself in ba place like how my parents were when I was growing up. I never wanted to be in an astronomical amount of debt like they were. I make enough money that I shouldn't be in debt like I am. But it mostly goes to debt and bills. That's hard seeing my money just go away because I'm effectively enslaved to my own debt that was created out of depression, sickness, autoimmune issues and chronic pain. I spent money because I was looking for anything to hit my hair button in my brain because i spent so much time being sad.

I've come a long way since therm and my health has greatly improved. One thing I'm very happy about I that I've gotten placed on welbutrin or really the generic bupropion of you want to get specific. I used to be on this stuff but I'm on a cocktail of psychiatric meds now because my brain is full of depression and adhd. Currently on 54 mg Concerta, 10 mg Trintellix, 5 mg Abilify, 150 mg Wellbutrin. I'm hoping for the best and I hope that the wellbutrin fills in the gaps that my other needs haven't been able to solve on their own yet.

#spoonie #journal #1.18.24 #wellbutrin #trintellix #concerta #abilify #meds #tw meds #tw med mention #tw depression #chronic illness #tw chronic illness #depression #chronic pain #tw chronic pain #long covid #tw long covid #tw med change #med change

[speenach]

life update: wellbutrin (aka bupropion) will lower your seizure threshold, all right!

🎶 'cause karma is my boyfriend! karma is a god, karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend karma's a relaxing thought ...

What is karma?

according to ideapod.com, "Karma is a Sanskrit word meaning 'action.' It refers to a cycle of cause-and-effect that is an important concept in many Eastern Religions, particularly Hinduism and Buddhism. ... it means that the steps of your life, your spiritual development, and your personality are directly molded by your thoughts and actions. Present you affects future you." i hope i'm not too far off, but this lil article does remind me of the way that i think my friend with the relevant knowledge explained it to me sometime in the past decade. unsurprisingly, the song "Karma" might simplify this a little; but even if it doesn't really, 100% accurately represent what karma is, spiritually, it's my favorite Taylor Swift song of the moment. arguably the best on Midnights.

spider boy, king of thieves weave your little webs of opacity my panties* made your crown. trick me once, trick me twice don't you know that cash ain't the only price? it's coming back, around.

*it's actually "pennies," but -- excuse me? 👑 listen to this song and try to tell me you don't hear "panties." or just try to tell me it doesn't make the better lyric. try to tell me that it doesn't fit Taylor's chest voice. try to ignore the harmonies in, "i keep my side of the street clee-ean. you wouldn't know what i mean." tell me this isn't one of the best songs to cat-walk in the airport to. try to keep it out of my karaoke-ing mouth this summer. i dare you.

speaking of airports and causes and effects and summer -- eek! i was supposed to visit Ireland and the UK this past week (only Northern Ireland is part of the UK, fun fact!?). my boyfriend (my actual one, Ben, not the concept) was taking me overseas for his college roommate's wedding. it was going to be very cute! and maybe even nudged me to think more seriously about marriage -- an institution i've resisted since growing up with its politicization, a thing that could maybe actually be practical if i wasn't so worried about the aesthetics of my own fucking personal life being twisted into talking points for the right. fuck them, fuck JK Rowling, fuck bisexual erasure, fuck transphobia, fuck off.

if this sounds disorganized, it's because it is! it's because i want to convey something about the state that my brain apparently reached for me to have my first seizure on thurs, may 11, DURING A LAYOVER IN VIRGINIA, HOORAY!

sorry, the rest of this post might be upsetting for various reasons. content warning for:

expanding on aforementioned seizure & another the next day

psychosis

medical bills from the ER(s) lol

babbling — this isn't really a warning as much as it is a qualification: since i do have some (small) degree of control over who can find me on instagram, and this is likely too long to go viral organically — if you're reading this, it’s prob because i posted it or sent it to you, or it was shared by someone whom i trust with the decision to share. something happened to me last week, and, if this tumblr blog is going to be what i wanted it to be when i wrote my inaugural post in january, it's the place for me to explain what happened from my perspective. i want the people in my life to know. i also, just, can't imagine calling people up just to be like... "hey i had a medical emergency but i'm okay." idk, i want to have my whole-ass say on it. you gotta read the taylor swift lyrics first.

all right, so, right before we left for the airport, i had a meeting with my dissertation advisor about the chapter i've been struggling with for the whole school year. i was so anxious i hadn't slept the night before, even after staying up all of monday night, too, revising the most recent draft. i also smoke a lot of weed, but it couldn't help me sleep this time. instead -- and i say this with some degree of expertise/professionalism -- i must have had something like a psychotic break. i had sent my advisor about twice as many pages as he was expecting, and i literally could not believe it when he told me that what he'd read so far sounded good. i told him i felt like a delusion of grandeur was coming true. and, after that, there was a moment where i literally thought he was reading my mind or speaking to me in code or something. it was weird. i was weird.

for the rest of my waking hours, until my first seizure, i thought i'd unlocked some secret of the universe. overwhelmed by the body language of hundreds of traveling strangers around us, i seriously thought i could read people's minds, too, or at least Ben's. normal airport stuff happened, our flight kept getting pushed back, waiting was miserable; in addition to convincing myself i was reading Ben's mind, i concluded that the only logical explanation for everything was that the internet must be down, like, universally, and/or everyone's collective consciousness was going through something like Opposite Day. ... again, i was weird. but, at this point, it seemed like i just badly needed some sleep. i also kept randomly singing the chorus to “anti-hero.”

sweet like honey, karma is a cat purring in my lap, 'cause it loves me

our flight got pushed back so late that our airline put us up in a "quality inn" for thursday night. my grand mal happened during the lyft ride there, which royally freaked out our driver and pushed Ben over a mental cliff from "my girlfriend's acting weird" to "my girlfriend might die." after sleeping through a $4000 ER visit that i don't remember, that my family and i have to figure out how to pay $2000 for lol, i passed all the psych tests to be discharged. we had a short connecting flight just for me to have the same delusions and another seizure during our layover in new jersey, right around the time our Ireland flight was finally canceled. don't ask me how much the second ER visit was because i don't know yet! friday night, i slept in a hospital bed in a hallway, before i remember getting some scrubs and an actual room for the rest of the weekend. no pillow, though -- just two sheets. i was pretty confused and upset after the first couple times i woke up there and still couldn't pass the psych checks until sunday. but obviously i eventually did, Ben came to get me, and we finally flew home monday.

it's actually kind of funny. it's okay, my home doctor laughed at me, too, when i saw her on wednesday; i am a clinical vignette. like, classic psych case. girl with depression and anxiety misses too much sleep, smokes too much weed, has seizure risk factors, and seizes. (i also wasn’t eating enough, surprise). among other things, i'm on prozac and wellbutrin but am better about the latter, because i associate the former with heartburn, and i get the impression that i can actually feel when the latter works. doc and i decided to halve my wellbutrin dose, at least until i see my therapist and psychiatrist on tuesday, and i'm on a THC/tolerance break. i'm tired from over/writing this, but that's what happened!

karma is the thunder rattling your ground karma's on your scent like a bounty hunter karma's gonna track you down, step by step from town to town. sweet like justice, karma is a queen...

[onewhowonders2]

April 5th.

I had the day off and went into work anyway.

Big mistake. Huge.

Well not that bad but it feels like it was.

I applied for a new position at my company and hadn’t heard anything back, so I was just waiting for a call to schedule an interview.

Eventually we scheduled it but it was around 4 so I spent the bulk of the day in anxious anticipation.

In my anxiety I discovered the person I would be working under had had another interview with someone else and they really wow’d her. The only caveat is it would be a major pay cut for that person to take this role so I’m hoping the pass on it.

But even if they do there’s apparently a lot of competition for the job, and I feel under qualified for it. With the baby on the way I could really use the pay raise and flexibility this position offers.

And then my current boss wants me to take over this victim empathy class because the guy that does put in his two weeks and honestly I don’t want to teach victim empathy to people in jail. I don’t want to spend anytime in jail, even though I know it’s a great class and it’s needed.

And my wife wants to quit her job and stay home with the baby but there’s no way we can afford to do that on the money I’m making alone.

I just feel overwhelmed by the pressure of providing for my family, and it makes me feel like I need to be doing way more. And I’m under qualified for the jobs that would bring in the kind of money we need, and I don’t want to miss out on being with my family either. But if I have to get a second job I won’t be able to be present for my family.

I wasted so much time working for the church for free instead of pursuing a craft or trade that could pay.

But this could all be the Wellbutrin talking.

#spilled thoughts #stress #wellbutrin #anxitey #pressure

[furox]

Heyo tips on wellbutrin! It limits your appetite i think (at least it did for me) so make sure that u have timers or something to help u know when to eat in case u dont get as hungry as usual. I used to take escitalopram and it made me sleep for 16 hours a day but the wellbutrin didnt make me sleepy or out of it (in fact it helped me stay awake during the day) so hopefully it will work for u! Good luck!! im so proud of u for trying different meds, i know it can be hard when u do trial and error but once u find a combination that works for you it'll be so worth it

this is the sweetest ask ever, thank you so much!! it is so scary and difficult trying meds out-- mostly because its such a long and often arduous process, for multiple reasons. so thank you again for saying that.

okay yeah my friend who is on it also said to take it with food and to take it in the am right after breakfast, so that's the current game plan :)

I'm on concerta for adhd as well so I already struggle a looooot with eating regularly/eating full meals, so this is really good to know about wellbutrin. I'll absolutely take your suggestion of setting alarms. I used to do that in uni, not sure why I stopped tbh.

also I'm soooo relieved to hear it helps you stay awake. I'm currently having the Worst Time Ever attempting to regulate my sleep schedule, so I'm really really hoping it will help with that. Awesome to hear that it seems to help your circadian rhythm!!

Anyway, thank you so so so much again for reaching out and for reassuring me and offering your tips and advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!!! <3 Hope you take care and are doing well.

#asks #anonymous #wellbutrin

[cuntess-carmilla]

In my experience antidepressants did nothing. It was stimulants for adhd that actually pulled me out of "depression" and feelings of giving up on life. Not to say that those drugs are free from criticism, but with antidepressants doing not much for me, and coming off of them was the absolute worst, imo I wish I had stayed away from them altogether. I only took them for a year and a half though, so I'm hoping there wasn't too much damage left. Like I already have issues wrt sex and the destruction these drugs can have on your drive is abysmal, they really need to warn people more about it.

My antidepressant only "works" because I have POTS, which is the source of 50-75% of my chronic fatigue, and Wellbutrin makes your blood pressure rise.

I'm sorry that they didn't help you at all and that it was so hard to quit them, babe. 🙁

[depressed-x-bitch]

⚠️TW ⚠️ rant w/ mentions of s3lf h4rm. please please don’t read if it may trigger you !!!! i love you, you deserve happiness, and please remember to stay safe !

wtf. i literally just relapsed (yet again) with sh because my mom didn’t leave for the store in time for me to steal my dads wax to take a few dabs from and put back. (yes ik theft not good but i’m broke high school student w/ a slight addiction, and my dad spends a TON of money on weed, so he can share a lil) now my dad is home and i can’t do it. i mean yea i have weed but i have to wait until i shower to smoke it because i can only smoke 1 bowl so i have enough for tonight. and i was thinking of cutting before my shower.. idk what the fuck happened. i was so scared to relapse, then i finally did it after months of being clean and felt so ashamed of myself. but now i can’t stop thinking about hurting myself. the more i think about it, the harder it is to resist. and if anything happens that makes me upset or mad, even if it’s small, it’ll set me off and make me relapse because i was already thinking about hurting myself. idk what happened. i wanted to get better, but i don’t think im getting any better... idk why i keep doing this to myself. i’m so self conscious of my scars, yet i keep giving myself more and more. i wonder what my scars would look like if i lose weight,, they’re on my arm and they’re very visible because they’re burn scars. id think they’d just become more visible and pop out more ? i’d assume the cutting scars will become more visible too.. i want to get a tattoo to cover them, i’d just be scared that i’d relapse on the tattoo and ruin it, just like i ruin everything in my life. fuck. and i’ve been on a binge since friday, haven’t tracked my calories since friday, and i didn’t drink a cup of tea yesterday. i can’t even complete simple ass goals man wtf. ughhhh fuck, and i have to tell my mom that my psychiatrist put me on wellbutrin and ask her to go get it. it’s gonna take a at least a week i bet, probably more. only good thing that comes from that is that wellbutrin can help me lose weight so kinda excite. i hope it helps, but there are also other symptoms i have to look out for. but i’ve been on wellbutrin before and it was fine so i should be good ! i also still have to make my next appointment with my psychiatrist, the two times i called they were closed oof. ugh it feels so pointless to go to these appointments when i can’t even tell her what’s going on with me rn, but ik that even if i’m keeping shit from her it can still help me because it’s helped before. idk i wish i had a psychiatrist that i felt comfortable telling everything to. i feel like i have so much that i’ve just stored away and bottled up that needs to be addressed. like i need someone that’ll really dig for shit, but also someone i’m comfortable enough with to talk to. idk man. i’m a mess, my life is a mess, and i’m just waiting it out til the end man. i can’t wait for the end..

#tw #tw self neglect #tw disordered eating #tw self destruction #tw depression #tw eating stuff #tw depressing stuff #tw ed in the tags #tw eating things #tw ed content #tw ed things #tw ed stuff #tw ed talk #anamia #anareksya #anarexiz #anarexja #just ed thoughts #relapse #anxiety #why do i even post these ?? #a depressed bitches rant

[anonymousrow]

Just me

This is a place just for me. I realized I feel a lot better when I write down my thoughts. Yesterday I wrote some stuff down on my iPad, and I didn’t see how it was going to be organized if I just keep writing on a blank page with no format. So here I go. Borrowing an existing social media platform. 

I watched a documentary about a girl with depression that ultimately led me to read her blog on Tumblr and it was weird. My heart was racing because her depression, her thoughts when she’s depressed, is just like mine. She ends up dead. So will I? So if this continues, am I gonna end up like her? My heart may have raced because of the high. But still, I felt uncomfortable to see myself in her.

At the end of the documentary they show the comments others leave, saying “i will never forget you” or “you gave me hope” like wtf. You guys didnt even know her and you guys just got fucking attracted to her blog because of the creepy video she’s featured in. How are people getting hope out of her blog, when you can actually see yourself in those blog posts and think that death can possibly be my future if I just keep staying depressed.

When the documentary talked about her not taking meds, it gave me chills cause I didnt take my meds today LOL i was like ‘is this documentary trying to make me feel guilty’ and at one point i thought ‘shuld i really take it even if theres no point?’ but wow, the ending. is that how im gonna end up? i ate one chocolate croissant today. i ate it not because hungry but because i couldn’t take mps pills on an empty stomach. i also was going to take my wellbutrin after taking it but whatever. so i dont even have the strength to press the shift key because im a bit enegery-less. but im not hungry. but i do feel nausea pprobably because of the empty stomach. but why eat and consume energy when you know youre gonna lie in bed all day and not burn any of those energies? no point.

[never-not-ever]

Inpatient Day One

Tried to do an update but it ended up looking like a fucking essay lol so I’ll try to keep this short and sweet 🙃 which ironically is the complete opposite of me.

So this morning my little “this was a mistake” meltdown stemmed from my phone about to die and being told I couldn’t charge it in the sharps closet even though I’m pretty sure an MHS had said I could last night. All the chargers were being used and I know it’s such a little thing but like I hate inconsistencies with staff, it just brings up old memories of past IP stays.

I talked to my team and I’m going back on Wellbutrin and thank god that’s one that doesn’t cause weight gain. I’m also having a tms consult so we’ll see how that goes.

I didn’t pack a lot cause I didn’t want it to look like I thought I was heading on vacation but then I saw a girl in the CEC come in with a duffle bag so now I’m so mad I didn’t bring more stuff especially since we can’t have people drop stuff off..

We can have stuff delivered online and have packages sent to us so I ordered some clothes, fuzzy socks, books, a water bottle and my favorite candy. It’s supposed to come by Tuesday/Wednesday and I was conflicted about ordering it cause what if I leave before then but if I do tms I’ll probably be here a while cause they’re not doing it outpatient and then with these restrictions my mind is like I cannot stay here longer than 2 weeks so I’m hoping some of the restrictions ease up.

Lastly 2 girls here had phone sessions with their outside therapists and like I’ve never gone IP before when I had a solid outside therapist so I’m wondering if this is something I should be doing or since she’s a part of McLean can she come to the unit but like I don’t want to face rejection if she doesn’t see patients while they’re IP... I don’t know I think I may bring it up to my social worker tomorrow.

I’ve been having pretty strong urges to make the stuff on my arm worse and I feel like I’m eating so much more than I have been lately and it’s just all getting to my head and I’m worried I’m going to gain weight while I’m here. Ugh I really want to go to bed but it’s too soon.

Funny this turned into an essay as well but tbh it’s shorter than the other one!

#personal #inpatient

[incognitowetrust]

Oh no the tense feelings are coming back. I need to draw today. I need to draw today. 

Aaaand I’m probably gonna end up taking a long-ass nap again. Like, I swear, I feel like I’ve been so sleepy lately. I mean, yeah I’ve been staying up late, but I haven’t actually been sleeping less. 

I guess I could try... like... getting some caffeine in me at certain points of the day, but I’ve never really drank coffee, I hardly ever drink soda, and that five-hour energy shot stuff I took once to stay up for a thing was fucking HELL. And caffeine makes me shake and need to pee. I’ll avoid caffeine if I can. 

I take lexapro for my anxiety, and wellbutrin as like an add-on because it helps with motivation apparently. I also take an allergy pill (basic over the counter zyrtec whatever the fuck) and birth control pills, and I do know that allergy pills can sometimes make people drowsy, but if it is responsible, I can’t drop it because the back of my throat and my ears will be mad at me. 

Maybe I should actually fucking fix my sleep schedule or something. I hope I’m not struggling with depression too bad currently or something. 

#personal #sleepy #goddammit #I wish my dad would apologize to me

[pisati]

doc told me to watch out for mood swings and I was watching for the dips for sure, but... didn’t think I’d hit manic

but I don’t think I am?? 

I mean. I am currently in the middle of planning/tackling 4 different crochet projects at once, plus I bought entirely too much yarn for some random other ones, plus I’ve got other miscellaneous craft ideas that I’m planning on implementing soon

that and I’ve been giving in a lot more easily to impulse-buys (but a lot of the things I’m buying are actually useful; like I DID need a new hairdryer and I found a brand new one for $13?? that’s a fuckin steal)

I think what’s making me suspicious right now is the attitude shift. I do feel a lot better because of this job and generally where things are going right now, and I don’t think I feel quite how manic is supposed to feel. I don’t feel on top of the world, I do still get stressed out and tired, I do still get into moods, but not serious mood dips like someone with bipolar would have. but I’ve been feeling... I don’t know, positively impulsive? my impulsive feelings in the past involved self-destruction in one way or another; this is like.. chasing more good feelings. not quite highs, just. things that I think are good for me.  I’m getting the travel bug again. I want to go places and see things. I want to be in places and let them affect me positively, rather than just being sad somewhere else. I think I’m getting close to being ready for some kind of relationship with another person again, like I used to be. I impulse-bought a few toys for my rats and I’m getting really excited planning the playroom they’re going to have soon. I’m excited thinking about the gifts I’ve been planning out and how happy they’ll make people, I hope. I’ve been doing a lot of impulse-buying, like I said, but it’s for things I like, things that make me feel good, and I haven’t been experiencing too much buyer’s remorse. it doesn’t feel like going through the motions anymore-- I remember when I went to target for the first time after my dad passed and I don’t think I even saw one single thing in that store. I was looking at everything and seeing nothing. I bought myself a necklace with a gift card he’d gotten me for my birthday-- one with a message I felt was something he might relay to me. you know, those jewelry pieces that have those cards on them that say the jewelry symbolizes something. 

gratitude. everything comes to you in the right moment. be patient. be grateful. 

I wear that necklace whenever I feel like I need my dad’s support. I wore it to interviews. I wore it to a concert or two. I wore it on my birthday. I’m glad I picked that one. I’ve been trying to keep that message close to my heart since I saw it. I really am grateful. and I’m finding myself much more patient, too. I’m learning that things really are going to work out, and “the right moment” isn’t always when you think it’ll be. but when it’s right, you know it. I’m trying to focus on right now; firstly I haven’t had the energy lately to be too worried about my future, but also I’m trying to feel better, and feeling better means getting my head out of my past and allowing myself to carve out my future without having too many expectations of it. 

this doesn’t read like mania to me. is this what it’s like not being depressed? or at least having much milder depression?  

whatever it is... I still want to cry when I think about how I feel now. I don’t think I could burn my past; I could delete all my old blog posts, I could burn my diaries and journals, I could forget everything about it if I really wanted to. but it was a part of me whether I liked it or not. I felt a lot of things, and I was so fucking deep in it. no wonder I felt like I was drowning all the time. I was hurting so bad. and I still have that in me-- I’ve always felt everything so deeply. but I want to remember it. maybe it’ll serve as a reminder. if I start sounding like that again, it’s getting bad again. I hope I never have to look back, but I want to have it just in case. 

while I don’t want to be suspicious (can’t I just enjoy a good thing?) I think it’s a reasonable feeling to have. I am on medication, I do need to watch myself. I’m trying to allow myself to feel the good, but be cautious at the same time. I’ve learned far too many times that not everything good stays. but I don’t feel focused on that. I’m not preempting this positivity with fear, I’m not sabotaging myself before I can even feel anything good. 

I can’t be anything but grateful. I don’t want to push it, but I feel like it can get better still. maybe it really did just take... how many months on this dose of wellbutrin? doc wanted to give me 2-3 I think; it’s probably been 5 or so now. I’ll have to see what my new doctor says about it in a few weeks. I just. I like this trajectory. this almost feels like nearing the top of a hill I’ve been climbing for years. I just know I’m getting close, and I can’t even believe it. I never thought I’d see over the top.

I think having a fucked-up sleep schedule is still holding me back a bit. I hope this sleep study has some answers, or that this new rheumatologist I’m seeing next month might too. 

I guess we’ll see.

#thoughts n junk

[the-lewdest-concubine]

How do you manage your schizophrenia? If you don't mind me asking ofc. Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable. (:

Nah bro.  It’s 100% okay.  I tend to be fully open about this online because its a condition that scares a lot of people...because they don’t fucking know what it actually entails...or they don’t understand that you CAN in fact live a normal life with “serious” mental illness in many cases.  But like, if you don’t talk about it...then people stay fearful and uneducated.  And LMAO...I don’t take shit from anyone.

I'm technically Schizoaffective, which is like the diagnosis of schizophrenia plus a diagnosis of bipolar...so it's a little different than someone who is only schizophrenic. But like I'm very torn on this issue.  

The more I tend to read studies and what not, the more I find that schizophrenia/schizoaffective tends to look a lot different between males and females--so females tend to present with mood problems earlier in life that are negative symptoms--meaning something is taken away (depression, blunted affect, withdrawal from life, etc), whereas males tend to present first with positive symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, hearing voices) and receive a schizophrenia diagnosis right away, regardless of whether their mood is affected.  Hence the literature tends to say that males develop the disorder earlier (late teens-early 20′s) and females develop it later (late 20′s-early 30′s).

So like me, I was first diagnosed with depression, then psychotic depression, then bipolar, then schizoaffective once I could prove that I had psychotic symptoms outside of an extreme mood.  It seems like the older I got (and thus the longer I went untreated), the more symptoms I had, until I could pretty much write down that I experience every single symptom of schizophrenia that exists in the DSMV. I really wonder what would have happened if my initial signs of depression and what I call my "sterile mind" allowed me to be considered a possible "future schizophrenic"...and then if I'd been given medications early on, if I'd have progressed into what I now live with.  Especially since no matter what I took, those traits would get “better” but I’d never actually recover.

But I generally control mine with daily medicine. In the morning I take Wellbutrin (an NDRI) and Vybriid (an SNRI) to manage the mood symptoms. Without these medicines, even just not taking them for a day, I will start randomly crying, refuse to go outside, not talk to people, and feel basically like a dried up husk inside...even though outwardly I appear to be showing emotion. Like its super weird...I'll be either crying or incredibly irritable and agitated...but my brain feels blank inside. No feelings, no thoughts...just annoyance in the fact that my body is just expressing stuff that I don't really actually feel, lol. At night, I take my antipsychotic which right now is Latuda, which is a 2nd gen medicine falling into the category of neuroleptics.

I also go to therapy every Tuesday...which like, it used to exist to try and help me deal with my anxiety and depression aspects of working again after being on disability so long. But honestly, since it took a decade of medication trial and error to both find a diagnosis and get proper treatment...my biggest problem was just the fact that I essentially had a decade of my life stolen that most people use to build themselves. All of my friends were working full time jobs and had been for like 5 years. They were buying houses, and having retirement funds. Some were having children--others said no to kids but traveled the world. Like it was like the world around me had gone on and I'd been frozen in suffering, unable to progress from essentially being 18 to being 28 when I got the correct diagnosis. I have missing memories from periods of cognitive pseudodementia that constitute years of time that other people have built lives from. And being that age and having nothing to have or say for myself for a decade other than "I survived, didn't kill myself, I cry less, and I only remember about 3 out of the last 10 years" was just kind of hard to swallow compared to what was expected of someone my age and socioeconomic class and education. THAT is what I needed to uncover and process before I could move on and function well in the world.

Other things that help me are getting regular sleep. One of my old medications (Geodon) gave me brain damage and ruined my ability to regulate sleep/wake...so I ended up developing narcolepsy when I was around 25. So the bugaboo there is that without medication to treat that, I'll be exhausted all day, but when I do sleep, it's very light/not deep and restful. So I do have some medicines that regulate that--Nuvigil allows me to stay alert during the day, and I either take melatonin at night or Lunesta if I truly cannot sleep.

Any anxiety that I have, which tends to be exacerbated by psychosis (I mean you try lying in bed and hearing some strange lady screaming in your room with nobody there to be found, or suddenly believing that people on the radio are playing songs with lyrics that are talking about you, or watching strange creatures or corpses pop into existence in your livingroom) I treat with the drug Klonopin, which is a benzodiazapine. Lol, like it's amazing how much psychosis can progress if you have nothing to stop the feelings of anxiety, when your brain that already isn't thinking correctly, then drives itself further into places with NO rational thoughts. Like only when I'm relaxed and calm can I be like "gee...it makes zero sense that a mythical being is standing in my living room--perhaps it’s not actually real?”So yeah...medication and coping strategies is the short answer. TL;DR is above.

But thank you.  I hope this gives some insight into what living with this sort of thing is like.  I may write the madness espada...but I’m in much much better shape.   

#out of lust #about vixen #mental illness cw #Anonymous

[findingmypeace]

12/5/2018

Depression is still really bad. Not to sound dramatic but just being awake feels like agony yet I’m having trouble staying asleep. I e-mailed my regular psychiatrist (Dr. T) this morning and told her I didn’t think the ECT was working. She adjusted some of my meds. Apparently some meds can interfere with ECT. So on the days I receive ECT I am not to take the trileptal or the Ativan. She also added Wellbutrin to my meds because Wellbutrin lowers the seizure threshold therefore making ECT more effective. However, she made me promise I wouldn’t purge while I’m taking the Wellbutrin because purging while taking Wellbutrin can lead to unnecessary seizures.

I can’t promise I won’t purge but I’m going to make a huge effort not to do it. It shouldn’t be that hard for the next few days because I’m going to be super busy. I managed to figure out what I was going to do with all the clients I had scheduled for Friday. I was able to move some of them to Thursday. Thursday was already fully booked so I was adding extra sessions to my day. I am now scheduled for 12 sessions on Thursday. All so I can have Friday off to do ECT. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

I’ve started applying to other jobs. This one is just too much overwhelming. I need one that is a little slower pace. I’m hoping that by January I can find something new.

#personal #actuallybulimia #bulimia #eating disorder #actuallyed #work #ECT #actually depression #depression

[intertwined-fates]

07/26/2018 HELP 

Hello, fellow followers and other valued individuals who may be reading this. I dislike stooping to ask for help, but I'm currently at a loss. I'll be real with you and try to keep it brief. About a year ago, as you see in this instagram post I hit an extremely low point. I was losing everything. My family had broken apart. I lost my step-father, the one man who finally gave me a father after being abandoned by my biological one very young... and no, he didn't pass away.

The person I trusted with everything, my secrets, my fears, my hopes, and dreams... cheated on my mother after ten years and had been actively cheating on her for several months prior to when my mother found out. My best friend of nine years and our other mutuals abandoned me. They couldn't deal with my disorders anymore (psychotic depression, generalized anxiety disorder). My boyfriend at the time had been supportive as possible, but I knew deep in my heart that my depression was consuming me. I didn't like who I became when depressed... how could I put him through that side of me? I couldn't imagine a life without my family together. It shattered me and the only joy I had left was my daycare job. Even that was hard to hold onto, considering I worked a second job where employees, including myself, were sexually harassed.

August 6th, 2017 my mother and three younger siblings packed up to leave. A friend of my mother's and their family was allowing us to live with them while my mother worked her ass off earning money so we could move out and get away from what toxic environment our home had become. I stayed home and told them I'd make the drive later on my own. I didn't bother making up any excuses and they didn't push me to follow. Part of me was waiting for my stepdad to come back because I knew he would be showing up eventually... well, I was hiding in my room, waiting for him when I heard the door open. I heard him open the front door, then go into his bedroom and leave again. I wanted to call out and beg him to fix what he had done. I wanted him to confess all the wrongful doings he had done by cheating on my mother who loved him so unconditionally. I also wanted to scream at him for ruining what family I finally had in my heart. But, I didn't do any of that. I went out there and he offered to talk. I told him I didn't have anything to say. He left and I assumed he wouldn't come back. I wish he would have stayed and acknowledged the pain in my eyes.

That's when I lost myself. I realized I was home alone, I had alcohol, energy drinks, and my three prescriptions in the kitchen. I went into the bathroom and brought all of that, a hello kitty blanket, notebook, pen, and shut the door. I sat down and started to take the pills, counting as I swallowed them. I took twenty-five antidepressants including 25mg lamictal, 150mg wellbutrin, and 150mg of sertraline. I don't remember how many I took of each, but those were the dosages for each individual pill. As I took the pills, I tried to create a goodbye on the paper. I couldn't focus and my hands were so shaky. I tried to write how sorry I was and how I loved everyone. I ended up getting frustrated and scribbled all over the page. That's when it really set in. I was fucked. I was going to do severe damage to my kidneys or actually die if I stayed there. My mom and siblings were out of town by then. My stepdad was god knows where. I was alone and I was going to die. I didn't want to call an ambulance. I would be alone with strangers, then. So I walked outside, sat on the porch steps and started calling my stepdad. He didn't pick up. I tried over and over and he didn't pick up. I texted him what you see below. He almost hadn't come... which still scares me to think about what would have happened if he hadn't come.

I walked up to the car when he pulled up and got inside. I sat there and stared at the seat with my blanket wrapped around me. I then mumbled for him to take me to the hospital. Through the corner of my eye, I could see he was confused and I felt like he was angry at me... he asked me why and I told him what I had done. He said my name. I felt hopeless. He took me to the hospital and they made me change into a gown while a lady with glasses watched. They took my belongings and the lady laid me down on the bed. She started asking me why I did what I did and what I had done while my stepdad sat in a chair and watched them hook me up to different machines. Everything was so fuzzy to me. I felt like I was in between being alive and dead. My mother was called and she sped over an hour of distance to be by my side. She sat next to my stepdad and maybe this is twisted... but part of me hoped my failed attempt would bring them back together. At least, if I couldn't die... maybe my stepdad would realize how terrible of a decision he had made and would fix his mistake... but that didn't happen. He stayed in the room while they made me drink activated charcoal. Never fucking again... let me tell you. I've never tasted something so foul. Eventually, it made me throw up. The doctors told me I needed to throw up several times before they could do tests on me. Once I had thrown up many times, I fell asleep on and off in that room. When I woke up again, I was told I'd be going in a different hospital room. They moved me and explained I would stay overnight to be monitored. A guy was assigned to monitor me. I felt so uneasy. I couldn't sleep with him constantly staring at me. I  wanted to disappear and every time I tried to pretend he wasn't there my heart rate would rise which only attracted more attention. I was stuck... and at one point, my stepdad and mom weren't in the room. I overheard that they were arguing in the parking lot... my mom came back into the room and confirmed that my stepdad had left to go talk to his girlfriend (who he had cheated on my mom with). My mom was fighting for him to get back in the room... she knew how much it meant to me for him to be there and he ... just... abandoned me for some whore. No different than what my biological father had done to my sister and me as kids.

I am twenty now. A year has nearly passed since that day. I am doing better than I ever imagined I would be. I teach toddlers at a local daycare. I have my first in-person lesbian relationship with someone who really clicks with me. My mom has a new boyfriend who treats her like a literal queen. He even took in my dog since I'm not able to pay the pet fee in our trailer. I am happy with my job and my new girlfriend. My biggest concern is money. While I love my job, I am not paid the best. I drive a 2002 Volkswagen Jetta that I have spent well over 1,000 dollars in repairs since March of 2017. I really need to save for a new vehicle and due to my suicide attempt, am trying to pay off hospital bills. I currently owe $1,571.83. It was over 2,000 dollars but I have been paying when I can to pay it off. I also have to pay for college. I cannot sign up for classes until I pay a 278 dollar fee because I dropped Summer classes due to stress. I could really use the help. On top of that, I pay for other bills and my car is unreliable...

Anything helps and if you are unable to donate and managed to read this far... please take this experience of mine as a reminder. Your life is never worth taking. You should embrace your life. No matter how gloomy things look now, you never know when you'll get a positive plot twist. You ARE capable of living a great life. I believe in every single one of you. My inbox here is always open as well or you may dm me at come_aliv3 on instagram. <3

Link to Paypal.me: paypal.me/SydneySutton

#support #donation #donate #suicide #suicideawareness #medical #signal boost #help #love #depression #paypal #bills #hospital #thank you so much

[jakesanxietydiary]

1/16/22

Well Ive made it through another day no closer to better. Im really disheartened. I dont feel right. Im back to avoiding talking to John and Tay because I feel like, in this new state, I dont know how I relate to them. I dont know how I relate to anyone. I dont know how I relate to myself. I cant describe whats wrong. Its like a law of physics changed in that just the fundamental way I know life to work is completely different. I dont know how to be a person like this. I didn't exactly try my best today. I've been staying in bed longer and longer. Im crying almost every day. I can say that a lot of the extreme symptoms are gone but I still have this aching feeling inside me and my thoughts dont move and work like they used to. I even try telling myself that thats a good thing because my old thoughts ended me up in a really bad place, but I just cant convince myself of that. I need my thoughts to be quicker, I need them to be about the world around me, I need the physical sensation that Im supposed to feel while thinking to be correct again, I need to have my interests back and my femininity. These things are MUST haves if I ever want to feel better and Im scared I'll never get there. I wish I had more to report about today. I got up late, spent some time by myself in my room. Lots of phone scrolling. I talked to my mom for a minute and almost started crying so I told her I had to go take a shower, which I did. I tried to play some video games. They do help the time pass but I can tell Im not enjoying them at all, and when I put the game down and go back to just being myself its a horrible feeling. An empty anxious feeling. Ive also been thinking a lot about my ear again. I think theres a real problem in there because I still get the feeling in that zone a lot. Not 100% of the time but still pretty often, and when I was ending the night watching a TV show with my mom, it popped and it kind of lightened my spirits. I dont even know what to do about it though. I dont know if the ear sensations are part of my problem and I need to get them fixed, or if the ear popping is just a new sensation I feel and it distracts me from the bad ones for a few seconds... seriously though feeling a significant pop substantially increases my mood. On top of that I keep telling myself that the wellbutrin isn't working on my depression yet, maybe. I went off of it completely 4 or 5 weeks ago. Maybe its still building up in my system? I dont know how long it takes after you stop taking a medicine for symptoms to "come back" idk. Time will keep going on I guess. I hope I recognize myself again soon. Tapping on my own hasn't been helpful, I hope I can try a few rounds during my therapy session on Tuesday. Anxiety: 5 Depression:7 Weird Sensations: 7