#sometimes i wonder if i really am asexual or if i'm just making it up
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Reading your blog, I'm starting to see my relationship with my bf differently (we've been together for over a decade). Like, I've been questioning my romantic orientation for some time, suspecting I might be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. But I realise I don't really have a clear image of what romance actually is and if it's something I have in my relationship. Like, he's my best friend. But what makes it different that a very close friendship? Apart, you know, the fact we live together and see each other every day. I'm also asexual so we don't really have sex, but for the very rare time I feel like doing something for him, but it's not really something we do, though I know sex and romance are to different things, straight people tend to say that the difference between friendship and dating is sex. I've heard allos saying "if I don't have sex with my s/o, what are we? Friends?" Anyway, I'm just more and more confused by what those criterias are for defining what is and what is not a romantic relationship. Love? I mean, love can have so many forms, how am I to regognise which one I feel? I just care about my bf. I like spending time together. We help each other on a daily basis. And when one of us need alone time we give as much time as the other needs. We do our things each in our corners and meet in the middle when we want company. We're happy this way. And that's great! I just can't comprehend what this all means. Sometimes I'm confused about the feelings I get for other people. Am I attracted to them or do I just want to smother them with my intense friendship? Which is hard. I sometimes feel like I love my friend to hard and I shy away during our interactions for fear to overwhelm them with my love. What's the difference between the two? Between my relationship with my bf and the friendship with those people I have to keep away sometime for fear to be "too much"? I'm sorry for these ramblings. You probably don't have the answers to this, but I needed to tell all this to someone that might understand at least some of it. I love your blog btw.
Sorry I'm replying so late – but thank you so much for all of this input, it's actually so interesting to hear your take on your own experience.
You're right, I don't have the answers, because every experience is very personal and I don't wanna project onto others, but there's a lot of points I actually relate to very much – like, I don't have a clear idea of what romance even is either, I just feel in my gut that it's not what I have with my queerplatonic partner. I guess in my own case I've also always had a bit of trouble with the idea of a "best friend" (like, I HAVE entertained the idea that this or that person might be my "best friend" at some points in my life, but I always end up coming back to the thought that I don't feel OK putting one person above others in my head – I work more in tiers made out of several people at once).
I might also be overthinking things but I often hear in the long-term-relationship discourse that romantic partnerships often wind up turning into friendship over time and that's OK – no idea how that works but it's interesting to think about, and I wonder if there's any truth to that on an aromantic spectrum basis? Like maybe... If both of us are on the aromantic spectrum, then maybe we just didn't get the "romantic high" part because we don't feel romantic attraction or feel it less than most people, and we're straight to that "friendship" part people talk about? ...Either way, what you describe with your bf sounds like a vibe, a healthy vibe to me. Sounds like you guys have it figured out and I wish you the best, honestly.
Also lol it really IS a useful and sobering reminder that to most allo people, the "sex = romance" idea is probably very prevalent still... Makes it even harder to figure ourselves out
Either way sorry for rambling and thank you SO MUCH for sharing your self-reflection, honestly, whatever conclusion you come to I hope life is good for you^^
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“Why is there a need for microlabels like demisexual or gray ace? Isn’t that just the asexuality spectrum? Why not just say you’re asexual?”
Let’s talk about the asexuality spectrum and why specificity in labels under asexuality can make a difference—
Asexuality refers to “little to no sexual attraction”. For some aces (short for asexuals), the ‘no sexual attraction’ part of that definition completely serves their needs in a queer label. This is the definition most unfamiliar with asexuality immediately think of.
And I want to be clear that that’s great! It’s a wonderful thing that there’s a word for ‘no sexual attraction’ and that we have more resources addressing this difference as a sexual orientation. Labels are tools. If you find one you like, that resonates with you, use it!
The expectation for sexual attraction is ever present. In the words of Alice Olivia Scarlett, “Love without sex is a difficult concept for society…there are still people who believe that sex is a biological need of the same importance as food and water.”
Our world demands sexual attraction — most often cisgender, heterosexual, heteroromantic attraction to the opposite gender. This expectation exists in queer spaces also, even if gender and sexual orientation are less rigid. Asexuality proudly counters that.
Celebrating differences in a world that says you shouldn’t exist is literally life saving. According to Healthline, “a 2019 study found that LGBTQ people who reported more connectedness to the LGBTQ community were less likely to report suicidal behavior.”
Returning to the definition of asexuality: there are people with no sexual attraction who are served by that part of the definition. They are the black stripe on the asexual flag. There are four stripes —black, gray, white, and purple.
That gray stripe allows for the spectrum, for those experiences that may include rare and/or conditional sexual attraction. This is the reason the definition includes “little to” in its “little to no sexual attraction”. Asexuality with an asterisk, an exception.
In 2003, AVEN founder David Jay proposed semisexual:
“If anyone wants to play a fun game, go to some queer-ass conference (called something like “transcending boundaries”) and play a game where you try to think up a term/identity for every letter of the alphabet. When you do you’ll be forced to think up new, interesting ideas like: Semisexual. It occurs to me that we’ve got a spectrum of sexual intensity, but we don’t yet have a word for those who are halfway in between asexual and full-force sexual. I’d say that this is extremely important: right now we don’t have a way to talk about people who are asexual but maybe feel like being sexual once a year, or sexual people who are just relatively uninterested and don’t know what to do about it. Thoughts?”
This lead to further discussion on asexuality being viewed as a spectrum. In 2006, AVEN forum user KSpaz coined the term “gray A” to refer to a “fuzzy” connection to asexuality. Many others related to this “fuzzy” experience and it became accepted as graysexual/gray ace:
“Alright, so don't know if this term is already around, but if not, I'm coining it now.Gray-A. Is there really a line at which point you are asexual?According to our logo there isn't. Just fuzziness.So, this thread I dedicate to our fuzzy members who may sometimes feel unsure of their asexuality/sexuality.Share your views, stories, whatever makes you think you'd like to call yourself Gray-A.I'll start:In simple terms, I have hetero attractions, can experience physical pleasure, and am indifferent (as opposed to repulsed) to the idea of having sex if it is with someone I care for (though can't imagine it for any situation without utmost trust involved). I don't get turned on and jump my boyfriend, but will respond to him in touchy ways and am pleased to do so willingly, because it does feel nice. If we never had sex, I would have no problem. But if we do some day, I probably won't mind, and may enjoy it to a degree. I call myself asexual, because I am, and because I choose my label.
In February 2006, the user sonofeazel coined the term ‘demisexual’, writing in a thread about their experiences,
…If “sexual” is for both and “asexual” is for neither, maybe we need a new term for people who only have one but not the other? I propose “demisexuals”.
In 2008, OwlSaint proposed the idea of what we now refer to as demisexual, which is when someone would only experience sexual attraction under the circumstance of a close emotional bond.
A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I’ve yet to see a single person and think “hot” or “10 out of 10” or “I’d like to hit that”. Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it’s usually more along the lines of “could i force myself to with…. ew no”. In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual. However, with someone I’m in love with, it’s completely different, and I might as well be a “full fledged” sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or “ugh not again”.
Without that “little to” part of the definition of the “little to no sexual attraction” definition of asexuality, there are a lot of people who really wouldn’t have a word for what they are. Asexual would almost fit, but feel like a shrunken sweater; something’s not quite right.
When you almost belong somewhere but don’t entirely, it can feel very isolating. Like you’re not doing “you” right. This is where that specificity comes into play. It gives room for those in that gray space to breathe, a seat at the table when before there was just standing room.
In the words of blogger Siggy in 2012, a self identified gray ace,
Lots of people come to the asexual community, find lots of experiences to identify with, and are glad to finally have a word to describe themselves. But some of those people will feel that they don’t technically fit into the definition of asexual. Are these people supposed to abandon the possibility of a self-identity because of a technicality? Are they to permanently feel like outsiders to the asexual community?
“Gray-A” is a solution to these questions. A gray-A is someone who finds asexuality to be a useful idea, in the sense that it approaches a self-description, even if it does not quite fit. This allows a space where you can have an identity, fit on the ace spectrum, and feel at home in your community, without being disqualified by an arbitrary definition.
There are many, many terms under the asexuality spectrum that delve into specific experiences, some of which go into the gray area and some that do not but that still describe a very specific experience. There is an effort to put language to the unknown, to be better understood.
Even within those served by the definition of no sexual attraction, there is nuance to language discussing specific relationships to sex and sexuality. Terms that describe individual favorability towards sex, or that describe importance of tertiary attraction, for example.
This thread focused on demisexual and graysexual because they’re more widely used. But it’s worth noting these labels do not serve everyone who exists in that in between space. Here is an expanded list of asexuality spectrum labels by asexuals.net.
I personally also use “gray ace” or just “ace” if I don’t feel like explaining myself. But that’s just me. Everyone is different. Everyone is served by different pieces of language and labels. Some are served best by no labels at all. There’s no wrong way to label your aceness.
Labels are magnets on your queer fridge. You can put as many on there as you feel are right for you, and if you stop liking one, you can take it off and stick it in your magnet drawer.
And that gray area? It matters. If you belong in it, you are welcome in ace spaces. I promise.
if you liked this post you can support me on patreon this pride month 🏳️🌈
#demisexuality#gray a#gray asexual#ace pride#acespec#text#text post#queer pride#pride month#asexual#asexuality#graysexual#gray ace#demisexual#lgbtqia#lgbtqiap#lgbtqia2s+#queer
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Hi! So you can call this a rant or a vent or whatever I don't rlly care - I just wanted to put some of my opinions out there bc it is eating me inside out to keep my opinions on Alastor's sexuality and all of the discourse about him being shipped to myself.
Also i'd like to state that I'm writing this as someone who is aroace but has no actual wish to be in a romantic relationship and actually struggles to so much as picture what that's be like for myself. I would also like to state how I'm not speaking for the whole community and others will have different opinions to myself.
Firstly - aroace is a spectrum (as someone who is on the aroace spectrum btw) and I completely agree with ppl who say that it is a spectrum and shipping has always existed and you can't rlly stop an entire fandom. My only problem is when ppl completely ignore that he is aroace while doing this, bc to me it seems like there's so much potential to having him have to go through those types of emotions and to write him off as if he's completely allo not only can make some people feel unseen but also just isn't as fun.
Also I kind of believe that he'd possibly date someone for the entertainment - like even if he didn't exactly feel romantic attraction maybe he'd be willing to be around someone closely bc he might like the reactions he'd be getting. (example: he might've stayed in a relationship with Vox maybe not out of pure attraction but if he found out that affection could make the TV short-circuit? He'd be interested)
Adding to that, I personally do not actually ship him with anyone romantically due to his character + the fact that I am projecting my own distaste for romance on him but you do you ig.
Also, on the note of nsfw around him - sometimes you cannot stop a fandom, rule 34 exists and some people who are asexual sometimes may want to have sex and all of that stuff. Personally I think he'd probably be sex-repulsed due to the fact that he canonically has issues with being touched.
ALSO, i personally think that way too many people are brushing over the idea of putting Alastor in a QPR - like that would literally be so awesome.
Alastor x Rosie? Cute af (to me Rosie gives of aro vibes too, but more romance - favourable) like they're already besties and honestly I think that Rosie would defo help him figure out about his identity considering that he's quite obviously not all that sure about slang and stuff.
Vox x Alastor - It has the potential to be SO FUCKING FUN like, you get to experiment with how they feel for each other, maybe what Alastor's got going on bc he died before being aroace was rlly a thing and he'd be confused about how he felt about Vox for sure.
Lucifer x Alastor - I quite like it, ik that Lucifer is supposed to be with Lillith but she did take an extremely long hiatus on her family up in heaven so i think it's okay. Plus the idea of them bonding and becoming close due to Charlie is wonderful.
Even angel and Alastor - maybe after Val Angel doesn't want a super sexual relationship - maybe he's not all that interested in something purely romantic either and though I love huskerdust this would still be pretty cool.
Really all I'm saying is; be considerate. Incorporate the fact that Alastor is Aroace, even if you do ship him - in or out of QPRs - and ofc sometimes writing someone who is part of a group ur not in is difficult (coming from someone who often struggles in writing especially when it comes to romance) but taking a crack at it might actually turn out to be rlly cool.
But please don't ignore his aroace-ness, there's not a huge amount of aroace characters out there and acting like someone isn't can be annoying for ppl who want to find rep around their identity, esp if they haven't seen much before (I can relate and he was one of the first aroace characters I was introduced to after I found out what it meant).
So yeah, that's my piece.
#hazbin hotel#aromantic alastor#asexual alastor#aroace alastor#TW: opinions#Alastor is my fav character and I need to put my opinions about him somewhere#SHIPPING IS FINE JUST DO IT RESPECTFULLY AND DON'T TRY AND ERASE SOMEONE'S SEXUALITY OR ROMANTIC ORIENTATION#alastor in qpr#put this man in a qpr#pls#I literally can find only like 1 fic of him in a qpr from like 2020#someone make this content - I need it horribly#alastor and rosie's qpr is canon in my heart#they'd be adorable#like charlie's supportive aunt and uncle#or an extra set of parents for her idk#personally believe that alastor is sex-repulsed and not interested in romance#sex-repulsed alastor#also headcanon rosie as aroace#she's romance favourable and alastor is romance non-favourable#they're still besties tho
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Am I the asshole for giving a random guy my friend's phone number?
(🍫📲 to find later)
I (22 NB/F) was working one day at my place of work by going around and putting various items for sale where they belong in the store, as well as taking out the recycling. As I was making my way up to the front of the store so I could go to break, this older gentleman needed help reaching something. I helped him pull it down, but before I continued I was stopped by this other kid. He had a healthy-looking emo haircut and wardrobe, so I didn't think too much about it at the time. I kid you not, his eyes were big and wide like some kind of bishounen anime (idk if I spelled that right). Literally looked straight out of one almost, he reminded me of an excited puppy too.
"Hello! Do you need help with something?"
"Uh- actually, I was wondering if I could have your Snapchat?"
I was completely gobsmacked.
"Uh- I don't have a snap chat." A lie, but only because my snap is exclusively for my BFFEAE (Best Friend For Ever And Ever). I don't pass it out to my coworkers, family, or any other friends. Just her.
"Can I have your number then?"
Usually guys don't like. Spend this long on me. I'm Demiromantic and Asexual, and for those who don't know, that means I have no interest in having sex with anyone and have no interest in dating anyone but close friends. I never thought I'd be in this situation. Ever. The idea of anyone asking me out of the fucking blue for this is so far out of left field for my expectations that I was just staring awkwardly at him for a moment.
"... unless... age is an issue?"
"Ah- no, I am 22, but I'm just not interested in a relationship right now."
And it's the truth, honestly. My mental health has been a rollercoaster of emotions and schedules that I've been struggling to maintain for months. I did have one at the beginning of the year, but dropped it because I realized I couldn't trust my lover (he was extremely conservative, and I had to hide a lot of my life from him, but it was nice while it lasted honestly. Broke up on good terms).
"That's okay. Maybe we can just hang out sometime or something."
I'll be honest, I haven't been in good health to try a brand new friendship with a complete stranger either (I have horrid social anxiety to the point where I am basically a shit in hermit, and with everything going on in my life I don't think I can handle pushing my anxiety well).
Now, years ago, when me and my BFFEAE first moved to different states, we agreed that we could use each other's phone numbers to give out if we couldn't handle it or just wanted the guy to leave us alone. We have each other permission to pretend to be each other for it, that way they're more likely to listen thinking it's you saying "no thanks" instead of her friend saying "get off her back".
So in the span of ten seconds, because this kid was really sweet and I was still pretty shocked this was even happening, I was giving my friend's number to this sparkly-eyed kid (idk how old he was but I assumed he was younger than me, that's just my natural assumption honestly) and continued on with my work day. I told him a semi-common nickname of mine instead of my actual name bc my name is hard to spell and I didn't feel like putting much time into it.
Of course, immediately after I called my friend up and left her a message saying I passed her to this really sweet kid and to be kind with him (she's a protective mama bear kind of person) but that I simply wasn't interested and didn't have the right mindspace for a new anything.
Fast forward to when I get off work and check in with my friend, she and the kid had been chatting back and forth. Apparently he was into drugs (I have sensory issues and can't handle that kind of thing, so I feel like I've actually dodged a bullet) but was getting along really well with her otherwise. We got chatting about it when I confirmed that I'm not open to hanging out with him and that as long as she's kind and doesn't try to set me up with him or anything, I'm fine with her discussing whatever with him.
"I get it girl, we all get like that for a time. I'll keep it away from ya.
By the way, he thought you gave him a random number. He was SOO excited when I responded as you lol"
I felt absolutely sick and was horrified. I figured he would have been like "sick", but apparently he had been like "FUCK YEAH". I feel horrible for deceiving him like this, but I genuinely am in no spot where I can mentally handle picking up a new friendship, much less a romantic relationship. It doesn't help that he genuinely caught me off guard, and passing him her number was my first response to handling it.
Am I the asshole for doing this?
What are these acronyms?
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hello love! i hope this question isn't too personal/straightforward (if it is, please just ignore it, there's no pressure to answer it!)
I just wanted to ask how you found out that you're aromantic? I thought I was asexual for a long time (turns out I am not at all) but I still wonder if I'm aromantic sometimes... I have never been in a relationship either and don't really have an urge to change that but I do find myself longing for physical contact once in a while?
sorry, this got kinda long, i hope you have a great day and take good care of yourself! 🩵
Trying to make Alastor display more romantic tendencies and struggling because I’m just writing down my own confusion on the subject 🫠
let’s get real on main, ya’ll!
It’s really hard to pin down being aromantic, because you’re trying to identify a feeling you don’t have. Like entering a very lovely room and living there your whole life, and then someone walks in one day and says, “We took out one item before you moved in. What item is it?”
There’s nothing missing from my room, as far as I can tell?? The fuck do you mean??! Yes I see my neighbor has a salad bowl but I’ve not once needed a salad bowl and honestly I’ve never enjoyed a salad in my goddamn life. Never had a meal and thought, “know what this needs? A salad.”
‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹
Researching Aro/Ace spectrum for writing tipped me off, because I kept googling “What makes someone aromantic” and getting frustrated, “Yes yes but what differentiates them from people like me??”
and then all these memories bubbled up in my mind
❥When everyone began dating in middle school, I said to my mother, “I have friends, I’m too young for sex. Why would I date?”
Because I didn’t know there was something else people got out of dating.
❥I would have crushes on people, and they’d asked me out, and I’d be so confused. No no—- I—- no, I just have a crush on you. I didn’t realize “crush” meant something different for them.
❥My sister lamented her best friend and her began having sex, and she wished they could have a relationship. I was so confused— fucking your best friend? That’s a relationship minus the titles. Again, didn’t realize there was more people experience.
❥What’s a romantic dinner? My friend listed all these things— alone, dancing close, looking into each others eyes, holding hands, deepening that connection. My dumbass said, “candles.”
❥If someone tried to maintain eye contact during sex and start talking to me about love, I’d kick them in the neck. The idea of someone looking at me longingly, trying to “make love”, makes my skin crawl.
❥Even now, if you ask me, “What’s the difference between your partner and your best friend? Why date person A but not person B?” Well person A is the person I’m sexually attracted to, my penultimate best friend, and I don’t get tired of their presence. I love them both dearly, truly love them. But I don’t (can’t?) feel a different love for my partner than I do my friends. It’s the same feeling for me.
I can’t help you figure it out, but I hope you find yourself happy to be as you are whichever label fits. I tried to give lots of examples of how my aromanticism appears in my life, hoping maybe you and relate to any of it. 🥺💖
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Note: Heavy, contains specific mentions of acephobia by family members, contains details of a comingout going wrong, alludes to general aphobia, and talks about feeling exclusion at pride.
I've been aching a lot this pride month. It's the first pride month I've had where I really have known and accepted being aroace, and I just feel this ache sometimes.
People often talk about being happy and excited to go to pride events and pride parades but I just... ache.
I don't know if I want to go to a pride event, because I can't be certain that I will be welcomed, wanted, and celebrated there. And that hurts. It hurts that there's any kind of uncertainty about being wanted and welcomed, it hurts that I have to debate whether or not to go to a pride event because I just don't know if I can deal with defending my identity.
It hurts because it's made me realize that even though I only caught the tail end of the worst of the tumblr hate for aspecs, it was still enough. Enough to make me doubt, enough to leave me aching during a time when I should be celebrating. It hurts to see so much of the aspec community, that was so active and happy and proud during ASAW and valentines day, go silent during pride month.
It made me realize that hate and rejection still exists.
My family went to a huge pride event this pride, and I didn't end up going cause I was in a different area at the time. At first I was aching about it. It looked like they enjoyed it so much, and I just felt like I wouldn't have been. I feel that I ache too much, I hurt too much, I fear too much to feel comfortable at said pride event.
It doesn't help that my mom was the first and only person I deliberately came out too, (at the time I only thought I was ace too), and it didn't go well. It was less of blatant hate, and more of subtle acephobia, with comments about how I shouldn't get in a relationship then because it wouldn't be fair, or how it didn't matter to her because it wasn't a big deal, or concern about whether or not it was because of the purity culture crap. And it hurt so much, even more so because the comments came from places of ignorance, and love, and she didn't mean to hurt me, but she cut me to my core.
She's gotten better, and learned way more since then. I mean, she went to a pride parade, something I never could have imagined even three years ago. She's more accepting to all queer people, and honestly, if I came out now I'm sure it would have gone different. But the matter of fact is it didn't. And it still hurts. It hurts knowing that I didn't get the support and acceptance I needed, and knowing that so many people didn't change, and don't think I deserve to be at pride.
But.
I got in a call with my family soon after the pride event. Two of my younger family members told me they had saved me some ace merch. I'm crying thinking about it. I had felt so upset, so bitter, so angry, and here comes these wonderful people who bluntly and simply accepted and supported me. It healed the pieces of my heart that felt so young and broken and aching.
I've realized that I've only said the words I'm Asexual once outloud. And it didn't go well. I've never said I'm aromantic outloud. I've really only begun to say I think I'm ace or I'm probably aroace a lot recently. Because there's always this level of doubt for me.
But these wonderful people saw me and accepted me and supported me more then I do myself. And it means the world to me, more then they probably imagine.
I am asexual. I am aromantic. I am aroace.
I am queer, and I am here, and I belong at pride.
Submitted June 23, 2023
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Hey, I have a question about how to handle your family constantly fighting and you being too scared to come out as asexual because you know your mother wants a grandchild and is pestering you already even if you‘re only 21 years old?
I know it’s complicated and I don’t really want to go into details (god knows what that could entail🫣)
Anyways, even though my current situation isn’t exactly great, I always felt safe and understood by the good omens community and in your fandom. I‘m glad to be one of the maggots.
Have a fantastic day/night! You‘re great person. Never forget that😊
Hello my lovely anon maggot! Thank you so much. I really am glad that you've found a safe place, both with the good omens fandom and with mine.
Of course I don't know everything about your situation, but I'll do my best.
First, you are so valid as a person and your asexuality is something that is yours, it's not for anyone else to decide. And I'm sorry that your current situation makes you feel scared to defend that part of you, when it shouldn't even need to be defended. That's awful.
But remember that, in this as well as other things, choices like these belong to you and only you. Making them based off other people's wants would be unfair to you and to the life that you deserve. Wanting to have children herself, that was your mother's decision, and she made it. Wanting to have grandchildren, that's not her decision. At all. Though people make it seem like a big family issue, it's really not, it's your choice and your parents don't have a say in it. Anything they might bring up about what you 'owe' them or the family or telling you to think about their needs, that's not a factor at all.
Raising you and loving you and providing for you was not a favour they did you that entitles them to police your decisions in that way. It was the bare minimum, it was their job. You are not obligated to them for it.
Which I hope you know already, but I'm saying it again, in the hope that when you do have to confront them about it, you'll do it with the courage that comes with knowing that you are in the right, and it'll keep you safe from guilt trips and manipulations.
As for the fighting, it sucks. I've been there, too, and it's awful. And a lot of the time, you can't change it, because of the amount of emotional baggage and history and the personalities of the people involved. And it's not your responsibility to fix it, either. Encouraging communication and going to family therapy are all great options, but the simple truth is that it's not really possible in most situations. So if, somehow, things do settle down, of course that would be wonderful.
But if they don't, the best that can be done sometimes is to just... move away from it. Either you already live on your own or one day you will. You'll be away from it, I promise, and you'll be independent. And then you can make the choice of whether to confront them about everything or not. Whether you want to meet them regularly or not. How much presence they have in your life. How much you want to spend time with them, let them do for you and do for them.
Either way, I hope that you find peace in all the moments that you can, whether it's here with us or elsewhere. Whenever you do choose to confront them about things (or not to), I hope you'll remember that you're valid and you are precious and you are loved. As for the asexuality and coming out, stay safe, and do what is best for you. Not for anyone else, but for you. Educate them and try to make them hear you out. But even if they don't, that's not your fault.
Again, I don't know everything about your situation, so take my advice with caution, and of course I could be wrong about a lot of things. But I hope that at the very least, you know that you're not alone, you are heard. I'm so glad that you've found a community with us, too. I'm very glad you're one of my maggots.
All the love in the world to you.
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Requests are Closed
Hey there! You can call me Dotster or Dot. My pronouns are she/her, and I am 22. I'm a biromantic/aromantic asexual, so a lot of my characters might come off as ace as well. Also, I swear so my characters swear, and I'm an adult, so characters are all 18+.
If you are wondering if I'm still writing insert series here, boop
Special Thanks to my official Rook Translator, @l1ttleclouds
My Kofi
My AO3 I crosspost my series' here.
Note! I write sfw works, but sometimes Tumblr gives me a community label for sexual themes! This is a lie! This is a safe space!
Masterlist
100 followers event: closed
300 Followers event: closed
500 Followers Event: closed
1k Followers Event: closed
1.5 k Followers Event: closed
3k follower Masterlist : closed
The Rules
Fandoms I write for: Twisted Wonderland, Obey Me, ikemen Prince, Ensemble Stars, Court of Darkness, Tears of Themis, Ayakashi Romance Reborn. More will be added as I get brainrot.
Requests sent in when requests are closed will be deleted no exceptions
I am asexual, and don't have the nsfw instincts. Absolutely no judgement here if that's what you like, I just don't know how to do the genre justice, so I won't write it. (I can imply past stuff, but beyond that no promises)
Stick with my fandoms list. If it's not on there, odds are I don't know it exists. You're welcome to recommend stuff to me though!
For now, I'd like this blog to remain 16+. If that changes, I will make sure to give you all fair warning.
I like to keep the mc in the position they were in in the game. If I get inspired I'll break the rule though.
Don't be a jerk? We're here to have fun, so if you're spreading hate for people, I don't want you here.
Ortho and Luke are babies. That is all I will say on the matter.
Matchups are only part of events. Please make sure the event is still open before requesting a matchup. If there's ever a question, there is no shame in asking.
I have memory loss! If there's a series that you're really enjoying, and realize I haven't updated in a while, I probably forgot I was writing it. Honestly, you are totally welcome to remind me about it. And I appreciate it when you do! I will make a note if the series is discontinued.
If you message me and I don't respond, I'm not ignoring you. My depression is probably acting up, and I don't have the energy to respond. I'll get to you eventually! I promise!
I take a long ass time on requests. I'm just slow 😂.
Wip List in case you want to see what's coming or cheer me on!
Recently Released
Eric Venue
Elder God Lore
None of Us Are Real; A twisted earth story
Elder God Three
When You Escape Him, staff
#twisted wonderland#obey me#ayakashi romance reborn#court of darkness#ikemen prince#ensemble stars#tears of themis
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My son, my sun
Where did my little boo learn to talk to plants? We take plant babies from Gramma Lita's massive yard, recently started propagating them in water. Nothing for the first couple of weeks. Then Des said, "Mama, let me hold them" - and he took the bulb in his hand, looked lovingly at that little would-be-could-be plant and spoke to it in a way that astonished me. "You are so beautiful" he said. "You are doing such a good job. I am so happy to see you." I died, they thrived.
Four nights ago we unwrapped a fragrant bath bomb and I said, "Mmm, rose" and he started serenading me, from the "wonderful roses" part of "Til There Was You" and who can even do that? I feel like if I want to sing something, even casually, I have to start from the top. He vocalizes the percussion part of songs. Chh chh chh. Probably not revolutionary, but something new for my brain.
Some of the moms who got a spot in TK are reporting back that one of their kids "goals" for the year is to count to 20. Oh. Des can count to 100, and in Spanish. The other day he taught me how to say "knees" in Spanish, which is when I found out he can sing "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" in a second language. He remembers numbers really well, and has a good grasp of time. He can math way more at 4 years old than I could at like, 7 years old - and that's just because it's interesting to him, measurements and doubling things and how old was his friend Felix when he turned 2? Sometimes I just have to say, "That is a calculation I can't do on the fly, buddy."
He's growing his hair out long so he can make it curly, like his friend Vienna and his cousin Emerson. I wish he liked to read books together more, but maybe that will come later. It's OK if that's an interest we don't share. We make up new words until we're too tired, me channeling the IKEA catalog. Sometimes he says, "I have an idea - let's count to the highest number we know" to which I reply, "That does not sound like fun to mama, can we play a word game instead?" He also loves blowing up and popping balloons. Actually, he loves doing a lot of things with balloons - keepy uppy, birdy-flying, inflating then deflating, using them as stamps, talking about them on his imaginary YouTube channel...
He likes to eat seaweed snacks and will basically try any food at least once. He loves tomatoes, so much so that he will eat them like an apple. He steals my sushi and told me the pumpkin seeds needed "more paprika."
He makes funny observations. I took him to my work party recently and I told him Erica was in charge. When we looked back at photos from that night he asked, "Does Erica ever go home?" I said "Yes, of course, she has two kiddos of her own - why do you think that she doesn't?" He said, "Well, she's in charge."
My therapist is retiring at the end of the year, and then I won't have anyone to tell me what's healthy or adjusted anymore. I told her that sometimes Desmond says, "You know, Mama, I love Dada more than you." I respond: "That's OK, my love for you doesn't change." It doesn't hurt me, it makes me curious - what is he trying to accomplish? That non-judgemental curiosity they tried to summon from the depth of my cold being during the "can we save this marriage?" time - there it is! Therapist said: It's remarkable that he even vocalized this. It's called secure attachment.
For awhile I also wondered - does Des need therapy during this transition? He has asked why we don't live together anymore and I said, "not all families live together" - but all the families he knew of, did. So we got a couple books. Representation. Therapist said: Unless he is acting out, or it's disrupting, he is ok. Again, the fact that he's even asking these questions is GREAT. I do a value a good question-asker.
I'm still writing my book of essays and I've recently hit 38K words. I've considered publishing under a pseudonym, because I don't want to FIGHT about asexuality. I just want some previously unlearned people to know that it EXISTS. I publish most of my revelations and feelings about being Ace on my Medium. The blog that upset him was titled "Ace Week 2023" - and posted on Medium. I didn't have the time or mental capacity to react at the time. I just chose not to. Spiral, if you must - I will not add any fuel. But I did feel mad, when I unboxed that compartmentalization --
Sometimes I want to be kind and gentle and empathic because, wow we didn’t know anything, did we? There wasn’t the vocabulary for what I was experiencing. There were no alternate storylines to draw inspiration from. But sometimes I am furious, violated, underestimated.
If you just light the path, everyone will find their own way there, right? I’m the deer in headlights, then I run towards the inevitable crash. Scampering off into the unlit wild was somehow more intimidating. So, blind yourself. Numb yourself. Anything to get to the other side.
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heres my HMS headcanons because i am bored
starting off with . sexualities
heart: asexual, panromantic
soul: pansexual
mind: aroace [this is partially because i am projecting]
i don't always follow the heart with wings headcanon / design but i like to follow it occasionally just bc i think it's neat. now i like to think he uses them to help him navigate, sort of like a cat's whiskers or a cane. since he's like wearing a blindfold i imagine that when he's thrown off or disoriented he fluffs up his wings to at least get some sense of direction to ground himself
one of my favorite headcanons i have is that mind has a little digital voice recorder that he likes to log every day in, like a diary. after careful consideration i have decided it's a Diasonic DDR-3000 Handheld Digital Voice Recorder [yes i copy and pasted that]. it's one of his favorite items and he uses it to keep just one constant thing going, since i imagine he relies on schedules [logic!! whoa] and probably has a touch of the 'tism. in case you are wondering this is inspired by steven universe and no i'm not apologizing
i also headcanon heart to not be completely blind. rather, i imagine him to just be really sensitive to light. so, his blindfold is kind of see through, but not totally. just enough to make it so that he's not blinded [haha] by light all the time. this is partially based on THA and light, but also just one i kinda settled on.
i actually don't have many headcanons for soul. he's a rather silly guy and i usually stick to canon. but i do headcanon him to just randomly start talking to us, the viewers, out of no where. mind and heart just think he's insane
headcanon for all of them including whole . in the system hc/au, heart and mind almost never front . its always either whole or soul. their friends don't know they're a system and just kinda assume whenever soul is front that whole is just feeling a bit silly. but when heart or mind do end up fronting their friends are like "dude what Happened to you" HDJSNF like . mind fronts and he's just being mind and whole's friends are staring at him like 😦. soul, heart and whole are probably worried about telling their friends that they're a system but mind doesn't care and tells them anyways . they end up being chill about it
the senses of the main 5 that mind wouldn't mind [haha] losing are taste and touch. but he would hate to lose smell, eyesight, or hearing, which is why he doesn't understand how heart is so chill wearing a blindfold all the time.
kind of expanding on that one above, but not directly related to it, mind argues that he'd prefer to keep smell to help with stuff like fires, gas leaks, spoiled food, etc. but he doesn't say it's mainly because he really likes candles. he loves candles and their different scents. he probably lights up a ton around him and soul walks in to see him like sitting in a circle and assumes he's trying to like summon the fucking devil or something and just leaves
mind is allergic to cats. heart tried to bring one in once and mind died [joke he just had an allergic reaction] so that's when soul jumped at the opportunity to be like "why not get a chicken instead"
mind always insists on eating the healthy and "logical" foods . but sometimes soul will find mind at 3 am treating himself to a singular cookie and then hurriedly trying to hide it. heart and soul wouldn't tease him about it if he didn't try to keep it a secret.
sorry [not] there's so many mind headcanons but that is because i am a mind fan . shit i forogt???? help???? ill remember it one day. i'll just give a different one . mind loves weighted blankets
one day i'll remember that one
soul and heart love to experiment with outfits . heart loves dresses they're fun ! every once in a while when he's positive he's alone, mind will try on a dress or a tux . he secretly has fun. heart and soul have not found out yet
#chonny jash#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cj mind#cj heart#cj soul#cj whole#cj headcanons#headcanons
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Taissa finally makes a move on you after years of romantic tension
SUBMISSION: Hey would it be possible if u could write some adult Taissa x reader?
That place had fucked everyone up beyond recognition. Well, except maybe for Misty who you were fairly certain was a functioning psychopath. But it had especially not fucked you up.
Most of the girls had come from privileged upper class families from the suburbs. They had what they always wanted. Being hungry, cold, and afraid were not things that they were familiar with. Not in the same way you were.
You'd been the product of the foster care system before. Your mom was a drug addict and you didn't know who your dad was. Sometimes you wondered if you even had one. Maybe you were some kind of alien, produced asexually by a woman who only wanted to use you to get to her next fix.
In a way, there was a breath of relief when you crashed. You could be feral in an environment where being feral was necessary. When you all came back, you didn't acclimate well to say the least. You were homeless for some time, drifting in and out of friends homes and couches, traveling around the country.
Eventually, you wound up back home in Jersey. You'd made your rounds and thought it was time to face your childhood. Well, who were you kidding. You came back home because a journalist reached out to you asking about your time back there. Everything that had happened.
You of course told her to fuck off, but not before figuring out who had hired her to begin with which lead you right back to Tai because all roads off of the beaten path did. You'd finally met up with her and spent some serious time digging into her about how dangerous that was in the same park you often slept in as a teenager to get away from particularly terrible foster homes.
"I should have known you'd figure out it was me." Taissa laughed to herself, picking at her cuticles. "You're resourceful like that."
"Wasn't hard. She left with two black eyes and a bruised ego." You shrugged. "I was never going to talk, Tai."
"What about them?" She looked at you. "We don't know them anymore. It's been a long time. What if things changed?"
"Oh, yeah. Let's just spill all of our dirty laundry and tell the nation that we sacrificed our friends out in the forest and ate their bodies for fun." You laughed. "I'm sure things have changed enough for that to be something any of us want anyone to know."
"You laugh now. Have you seen the Ted Bundy fangirls?" Taissa raised her eyebrows. "You'd be swimming in pussy."
"I'm already swimming in pussy, Tai. I don't need to come out as a cannibal to get what I want."
She swallowed. "I wish I could relate."
"Aren't you married?" You made eye contact with her.
"Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though." She said, obviously dejected. "I don't deserve, Simone."
"No. You don't." You stated flatly. "I don't think any of us really deserve peace."
"You do." She whispered. "You've been just...surviving, your whole life. I always wondered when you were going to be able to relax."
"I'm relaxing." You chuckled. "This park is very relaxing."
"Yeah? Good memories of napping under the bleachers?" Tai turned her body to you, her eyes sad.
"Good memories of chasing after you." You replied. "You always were the only tail I couldn't catch."
That got a smile out of her. A real one. "You were stoic. Gruff, even. That scared me. I guess there was also some shame about hooking up with the weird girl who slept in the fucking park. Well, look how that turned out, right?"
You nodded. "You always were an obnoxiously stuck up Jersey girl. It was kind of hot."
"What am I now?"
"You're still an obnoxious, stuck up Jersey girl. But now you've got trauma, so you have some depth." You smirked. "There's some intimacy to be found here I guess."
It was all so sudden, the way she got on her knees and pounced on you. It was almost animalistic; very primal. She gathered your hair in her hands and mashed her lips into yours. You were calm, tucking your hands under her shirt. Your cold palms ran across her warm back as she kissed your neck.
"You don't know how bad I've wanted this. For decades." You said, squeezing her hips as she began grinding against your thigh.
"You're a fucking fool if you think I didn't want it too." She spat, lowering one of your hands to her crotch. "You're so fucking self-righteous. You always thought you were better than us for being fucked up."
That was when you pinned her down, her back to the grass. You hovered over her and held her arms above her head. "I was better off for being fucked up, and none of you could admit it." You sucked on her neck, nibbling the skin. It would lead a hickey for sure.
"God, shut up, Y/N. Why can't you just fuck me without proving a point?" She shouted.
"Hm." You lifted your head to look her in the eye. "What would be the fun in that?'
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Hi, sorry this is not a tickle related question and please feel absolutely free not to answer since it’s a bit personal.
How did you realise that you were asexual?
I’m struggling with my identity and sometimes I think I am since I don’t really feel comfortable with, yk, *doing it* with other people, but I still feel sexual drive sometimes, so I was wondering how do you experience your asexuality.
Ad I said feel absolutely free not to answer and I apologise if you have already talked about this
Sending love 💕
Hi! For me it was always really apparent that I don't have the same type of attraction toward others like the people around me seem to do, especially when we were in our teens and everyone started dating/sleeping around/getting into relationships. I put myself in very uncomfortable situations I didn't want to be in because I felt it was expected of me. I of course can find people visually appealing, but it's very very rare that I feel any type of like... pull toward others? Like I've had crushes (like 15 years ago lmao), but it's never in the sense that "I want this person to kiss me" etc. Honestly as I got older and realized I'm also queer in other ways I wondered if that would explain it, but I still don't really feel what I think others feel toward any gender. Sometimes I wonder if I'm also aro, but I want love too much to fully decide that right now. I've never BEEN in love, but I think the bad situations I ended up in in my teens have made me very wary of romanting (and sexual) attention and I've only recently started trying to date at 28.
This part is TMI and talks about masturbation, minors and people who don't want to know too much about me turn away
But that isn't to say I don't get, you know, horny and whatnot. I will protect my, uh, toys with my life lmaaoooo but I very very VERY rarely fantasize that it's someone else I'm being intimate with. In fact, thinking about it too much makes me VERY uncomfortable. I'm letting go of some old fears though now that I'm older and much more secure in my boundaries and feelings, but the fact that I've been terrified of dating up until now because of the whole societal expectations around sex says a lot to me. Even though people can be scared of sex and not be asexual, I can just feel it because it's not an important part of my life or anything I crave and has instead played a big part in my life as something that's making it quite difficult instead of being something fun and pleasurable. I can 100% understand why people like it, but it's just not important to ME even though I obviously enjoy masturbation.
Tldr I just always knew this about me even though I couldn't put it into words until about 10 years ago. I think many people are picky about their sexual partners too and need to have a connection in order to sleep with others and that they're confusing that experience with mine when I try to tell them, but my end goal is never to sleep with anyone, while for them that is their end goal and a part of their relationships, from what I've understood. But tbh just like my gender it's hard for me to put it in words and as long as I understand what's going on I'm fine with it
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TW hopelessness
Sometimes I wonder if I can overcome my childhood trauma stuff. Especially the part about how I'm avoiding romantic/very close relationships. To me it just seems so fucking painful. Honestly, I find all conflict excruciating.
Plus the whole "asexual" stuff - I don't know what I could handle. All in all, I think there is so much fear involved for me that there is very little motivation or drive.
I think it's also about perfectionism. I don't want kids for that reason, because I don't think I'll be able to do a good enough job. Same reasoning for relationships, I don't want someone else to have to deal with how broken I am.
But I think it's also something that's visible in the rest of my life. Like, I tried the karate workshop and I think I kind of liked it, but I got soooo overstimulated just trying something new. It took me hours to calm down somewhat and I got a migraine. I think part of that must be fear about being incompetent. Just like when I got back my new job evaluations and they were *ridiculously* high... I don't think they should be that high just for a second try at that particular skill. Maybe I try a bit too hard?
I notice it around T too. Yesterday there was more news about insurance and probably this next year really will be the final year I can see T. That's so activating!!! Once again, it makes me feel like I can't get attached. Just like I've been doing, I mean, before Fox showed up and when some little ones stay quiet.
From the time I can remember, life has been overwhelming and I needed more time to learn things, but I do learn them very deeply and intensely and detailed.
When I try to look up things online about working on attachment, it makes me feel alienated. Almost everything says that it's only suitable for minor struggles. Or the comments are filled with things like "I did this one meditation and it changed my life!" Yeah, no. I've been trying for over a decade and this is where I am. I'm at that weird point of outward functionality/stability and no one would suspect a thing. Yet inside... it's different.
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Ik this has prob been asked before, but as a fellow ace in whump comm, i'm kinda curious as to how your asexuality affects your perception or preferences in whump? Thanks!
That is such a good and interesting question and I'm so sorry for how long it took me to respond to it but I had never really given it that much thought before and trying to put it into words proved to be challenging. I've written this like 8 times and I'm still not sure I got it. I hope this makes some kind of sense.
Disclaimer: I am only speaking of my own experiences and feelings and how they relate to one another. I am in no way speaking for every asexual, whump lover, or ace whumper. Also my aromanticism and my asexuality are very much connected at times and I sometimes have trouble separating them so some of this is also related to my aro-ness.
There's been a lot of talk in the community over the years about how maybe whump is our way, as asexual whumpers, of making up somehow for our lack of sexual attraction and that whumperflies are our version of sexual attraction and I think there's definitely some truth in that. There's a lot of overlap and similar feelings between the two (as far as I know as someone who doesn't feel sexual attraction) but I don't know how much I personally relate to that theory. It does make some sense I admit that but something about that theory never sat right with me. It's too close that thing that people say that we're missing or lacking something. I've never felt like I was lacking something by being asexual because lacking something means I'm incomplete somehow? And I'm not. I'm just as complete and human as any allo. So the idea that my love of whump or my whumperflies is my brain making up for missing something kinda makes me feel idk weird? I don't know. It's hard to explain sorry.
For me, whump and my enjoyment of it has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality and in a way I suppose that is how my asexuality affects my perception and preferences. What I mean by that is that when I go in search for whump, when I experience whumperflies, when I like a specific trope or scene or character, there is absolutely nothing sexual about any of it. It doesn't affect who I want whumped. It doesn't affect what trope I enjoy more. Whumperflies are not my version of sexual attraction. In my head, whumperflies just mean I really enjoyed that whump because it made me feel things emotionally and I am reacting to those emotions in a physical way. That's it. Whump is just a genre of fiction I really really enjoy. It's not my kink. It's not sexual for me. It is for a lot of people and that's totally cool and valid but it just isn't for me. Is that because of my asexuality? Yeah probably. More than likely. If I experienced sexual attraction it might make me perceive whump and whumperflies differently. Because I am asexual, whump is just whump.
In terms of my preferences of whump I had a sort of epiphany about this. My favorite kind of whumps are all non whumper whump. By that I mean things that occur not because they are inflicted by another person but more like things that happen to him. Things like nightmares, accidents, natural disasters, sickness, etc. The closest I get to liking whumper whumps are things like gunshots or being chained up. Occasionally kidnapping or torture scenes. All things that don't involve multiple people or someone intimately doing it to another person. And I've started to wonder if that's related to the fact that I am a semi touch averse asexual. If I wasn't asexual would I enjoy whumper/whumpee more? Do I like non whumper whump because I'm asexual and don't like physical intimacy? I don't know. Maybe.
I could also love a trope but if it's not happening to a character I connect with emotionally then it means nothing to me. I need that emotional connection 99% of the time or I get nothing out of it. It's not just the trope, it's the context of it and who it's happening to. Physical attractiveness doesn't really come into play all that often. I need an emotional connection to the character in order to enjoy their whumps.
It also affects the character dynamics I prefer. This is where my aromanticism comes into play as well and gets kinda entangled with my asexuality in a way that I can't quite distinguish between the two so I'm sorry if I get a little confusing here. My preferred character relations are platonic and familial (found or bio). I actively avoid romantic whump mostly because it turns sexual soooo fast. It's become so difficult to find AO3 fics that are not focused on a romantic pairing and are not smut. If that gets into my whump it almost always turns it sour for me. Sex and most of the time romance sours my enjoyment of whump. That is directly related to my aroaceness for sure. 100%. So I seek out friends, siblings, found families, parental figures and their grown "adopted" manchild, mentor/mentees, etc.
The best way I can think of to explain it is the difference between Wednesday Addams and Morticia Addams and their enjoyment of pain and blood and violence. I'm mostly thinking of the Netlfix show right now with this comparison btw. So Wednesday when she's enjoying blood and violence it's because she's just enjoying it for what it is. But Morticia. Morticia's love of pain and violence is much closer related to it turning her on. It's definitely more sexual for Morticia. it is NOT for Wednesday. I am Wednesday (hence why I headcanon Wednesday as aroace among other reasons).
Does that make sense? Does any of this make sense? I'm having such a hard time articulating all of this mostly because I've never thought that hard about it all before. I'm asexual. I enjoy whump. That's as far as I'd thought about it before. Hopefully this all isn't too weird or whatever. It's a good question.
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Hello there! I've recently come to the realization that I may be panromantic asexual and was wondering how you learned to accept yourself as God made you? I grew up in a time where the whole "conversion therapy is bad, God will convert you straightness instead!😃" rhetoric was a thing, and I constantly have that in the back of my head. I want to be free, to love, to know that God didn't make a mistake with me and that I'm not lying to myself. I know you don't have all the answers, but thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm praying for nothing but the best for you.
Hi, beloved! Thank you for your prayers. I'm so proud of you for learning more about yourself and being willing to start this journey! Getting that rhetoric out of the back of your head is a hard one. It's hard to free yourself from what you've been taught. Here's some of my journey, and some thoughts!
I had a similar rhetoric taught to me—"Yes, abusive tactics were wrong, and we shouldn't treat queer people badly, and it's not their fault, but they need to not act on their thoughts, they need to not identify with their emotions, and they need to pray more. And even if God doesn't take away their attractions, he'll give them the strength to suffer through heterosexual marriages, which is what we should all strive for!" The thing about realizing you're queer is it doesn't take those beliefs/instincts away. This is why there are a large number of homophobic gay people, and also why there's an even larger number of people like us, who know what we believe, but sometimes can't get rid of the stuff we used to/were taught to believe.
I started questioning my identity around age 13. And the one thing I decided on was that I couldn't be gay. I just couldn't be. I knew what gay people were, and I didn't hate them, but I knew what my parents said about them (that they were confused/sinful/sick), and I wasn't them. And I have a very clear memory of a journal page from middle school—I'm sure it's still around somewhere. It was titled "What I Would Do If I Was Gay." Now looking back this is hilarious, and not really something one writes if they're straight. But being the organized human being I was, I had a plan. I don't remember all the bullet points, but I know one of them went something like, "Decide on a man that I wouldn't mind marrying. Be nice to him." Again, hilarious, very straight I promise. But I was following what I had been taught. The last bullet point was, if all else fails, to die, because that's the only future I could imagine for myself if I couldn't live the way my parents wanted me to. You internalize this stuff, and imagining a future in which you're free is the hardest thing in the world sometimes.
I am here to say—and I'll say it over and over again to as many people as I can—that there is a future. We have so much beautiful time. So much of the pain I've been through involved a failure of imagination—I couldn't imagine a future for myself, so I assumed it didn't exist. There's such a lack of trust there, both in myself and in God. The first step (besides admitting to myself that yes, I was some flavor of queer) was trusting. That I couldn't see a world in which I was okay with myself, but that there was one. And I would get there someday.
The beginning was surrounding myself with people and communities that were affirming. I couldn't leave my home—partially because I was a kid, and partially because I didn't want to (I still haven't)—but I had the internet. If you dig deep enough on my personal Tumblr (please don't, I'm begging you), I was calling myself a straight ally—I've been on here a long time. Tumblr was the first place where I really saw queer people just… being normal? I didn't know any out people in my life, and so my ideas of queer people were stories and ideas and news articles. But I remember the first time I saw someone just, casually mention being gay, and it blew my mind. Because they were normal, and they weren't afraid. And if they could be, I could be. A Google search led me to Queer Theology, which is still a beloved resource of mine. And slowly, the people I followed and the friends I made and the websites I visited… they were queer. And suddenly it wasn't a bad word, it was just… how some people were. And I hated myself and my identity viciously, but I never hated them.
That was one thing I held onto. My friends started coming out to me (yeah, we all ended up queer), and I responded with joy and love. I didn't have that for myself, not yet, but knowing I had it at all kept me going. The thing that helped me love myself the most in life is paying attention to how I treated others. Love your neighbor as yourself. (Confession: sometimes I'm thinking a bad thing. And I imagine that someone on this very blog put the bad thing in my inbox. And I know what I would do: I would validate their feelings, and maybe find some ways to feel better, or give them some things to read, and remind them they're loved, and pray for them. Why am I different? Why do I uniquely deserve to be alone? And I do those things, for me.) Sometimes you have to ask, if a friend was going through this, what would I say to them? And that's what you should say to yourself. I'm willing to bet you are free and loving and supportive of other queer people. Not that you're perfect, etc. etc., but that you are a good friend. You've been lovely to me! Maybe not now, but someday, you will be able to give that to yourself.
Another question I ask myself: When have I been a better, more loving Christian—when I was repressed and self-hating, or after I accepted my identity? And the answer, in every way, is the second. Self-hatred is just another form of self-centering. I don't say this to blame or guilt anyone, but it is a truth I had to process. I used to worry every day about every single thought I was having, and call myself the worst person alive, and sit around hating myself, and worrying about my future. Now obviously this was partially because I'm severely mentally ill, and also because of the homophobia I had been taught, and I don't blame my past self. But the reality is that I was so consumed by myself that I wasn't really… being a person. And if I had kept going like that, if I was right now forcing myself into heterosexual relationships and curbing my self-expression and despising my love and terrified of the Bible, I would be a selfish, lonely person. And I wouldn't be much of a Christian. But right now? Loving and celebrating myself, seeking fulfilling relationships, finding joy in God? I am a better person, a better Christian, for being affirming. Whenever I get a thought, an instinctual, intrusive thought from the past, telling me to go back there, to that place, I remind myself that God asks me to be loving and faithful, and this is where I am loving and faithful. And in the future, hopefully I will grow into more love and faith than I can even imagine right now. But I can't go back. Wherever you are right now, know that you could use your energy to center yourself, to repress and erase yourself, or you could use it to love. To let yourself exist, and live a life. Be a person. And no God I would worship would prefer the former.
Re: mistakes: Something I learned from exploring queer Christianity is that our religion is made so much better by queer people. The art, theology, and joy that queer people bring to Christianity is not a mistake, it is a purposeful diversifying of the human experience that God welcomes. "Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law." There are no mistakes. There is evil to defeat, and there is suffering to overcome, and there is the fulfillment of God's law through love. We're fulfilling the law, right now, by having this conversation—we both approached it with love.
Re: lying to ourselves: Usually when we worry about this, we're worried that we're wrong. That we'll feel differently tomorrow, and this is proof that we were lying. But that's not what lying is. There aren't very many permanent senses of self. It is generally harmful to consider queerness a phase, and it's not the lens through which we should view people's identity, but the reality is that we don't know everything all at once, and there are phases of emotion/experience. There are times when I question my gender identity, and times when I feel completely comfortable as the gender I was born with. I'm not lying to myself during either of those times, and those experiences are not less real because they don't last forever. You have recently come to a realization regarding who you might be; you've found words that might describe you. Unless you are purposely sending me lies (this would be a very strange thing to lie about), you are communicating to me an honest experience and interpretation. It may be that since you sent this ask (a regrettably long time ago), you interpret your experiences differently, or feel differently about sex/attraction, or any number of things. This doesn't mean you've lied—it means you're a person. God created you with the ability to grow and change, and this is a good and holy thing. Whatever words feel right to you at this moment, whatever experiences you're having, you're here now, and that is the truth. Tomorrow is a new day, with new space for truth. Not knowing everything isn't lying, and being wrong isn't lying, and changing isn't lying, and not seeing the whole picture isn't lying. It's just existing.
I've said a lot. I think I've said what I wanted to say. In summary: it takes time, and changing your environment, and constant self-reminding re: your values; and lacking imagination isn't the same thing as lacking a future; and wanting to be free is the only way you get to freedom; and you already have love, you just have to nurture it; and you're not faking or lying or a mistake, you're a person. I learned to accept myself by accepting others, and remembering I'm just as worthy of love as they are, and by validating my truth even as it changed, and by remembering that being queer (or rather, loving and living out my queerness) has made me a better person and Christian.
What gets you to self-acceptance might be radically different, but I pray it's just as life-changing, and I know it'll be worth it. Peace be with you.
<3 Johanna
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Hi!! I saw you also accepted matchups and I would love to request one! I’d love a romantic matchup for Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel (do only one of them if I can o my request one fandom obv)!
my pronouns are she/her and I’m asexual biromantic (I’d prefer a male character, but if you think one of the girls fits me best any gender is fine!). I’m an ESFJ and a Gemini. I have green eyes and dyed cherry red hair. I dress with vintage/fairy grunge clothes. Long skirts and corsets are my fav type of outfit. I wear lots of rings and crystal/pearl necklaces and love to exchange them with others. I also have tattoos, currently I have three but I’m planning to get more. I love to wear makeup and come up with something creative and different everyday. Also, if someone lets me do their makeup they’ll have my heart forever.
I’m the mom friend of the group, always there for everyone and my friends say that I’m really good at comforting people. I’m also calm and responsible, I usually am the one that takes care of other people. I’m very optimistic, I always try to see the good in everything and I often put other’s needs before my own. I love making others laugh to lighten the situation. I’m not afraid to stand up for myself or for someone else but sometimes it’s hard for me to say no to things. I also dislike when someone is too serious and really can’t take a joke as I tend to use humor as my coping mechanism. I’m also very ambitious, I always try to achieve my goals.
My love languages are, receiving, physical touch and words of affirmation and giving, quality time and words of affirmation.
I absolutely love listening to music, it helps me relax and I really like reading (I love reading out loud to others, when I read dialogues I act them out a little to help picture the scene). I especially love fantasy and I recently got into greek mythology. I also love watching horror movies even though it’s impossible to scare me. I also play Dungeons and Dragons with my friends anytime I can. also, I absolutely love musicals and I’m definitely a theatre kid.
Have a good day!! <3
Your sense of fashion sounds so great, anon .ᐟ As a fellow lover of horror, this matchup was a lot of fun for me.
Anon, I'm matching you with . . .
⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ Verosika Mayday .ᐟ
Lucky you, anon, my absolute favorite Helluva Boss character .ᐟ And the best one.
I know you said male preference, but I just can't help but think you and Verosika would pair amazingly. The best out of the entire Hellaverse. The whole time I was reading your request she just screamed at me as the answer. Seriously, detail by detail I was just convinced more and more. Who would love your dyed hair more than her .ᐣ Not only that, she'd be incredible at helping you re-dye it .ᐟ Verosika is the diva of Hell, she knows everything there is to know about beauty and haircare. She always has to look flawless, after all.
I think the appeal would be the same in regards to your creative fashion sense and makeup abilities .ᐟ She's intrigued on how a style so different from her usual one can look so cute. Please dress her up and do her makeup, she'd love it.
I also think she'd really admire your ambitious attitude. In her line of work, you have to be ambitious or you'll fail, badly. She could use someone optimistic around her, too. Blitzo left her burned and probably with some trust issues, so you'd be wonderful help with that. Verosika's love language is also physical touch, and that's practically canon. Loving horror almost always means a love for the dramatics, which she definitely appreciates. You mentioned having trouble saying no .ᐣ She is definitely the best influence for that. And your adoration of music .ᐣ It writes itself. The two of you may be in Hell, but you're definitely a match made in Heaven.
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