#sorry for my terrible drawing when I was younger lol

[vbecker10]

Loki's Silent Sentry (Part 6)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5

Pairing: Loki x female reader (y/n)

Summary: You are not just a soldier in Asgard's Royal Army, you are Lieutenant Y/L/N, Prince Loki's personal guard, his sentry and you are not supposed to fall in love with him. If you followed your training properly, you should never have even spoken to him. As a sentry, you are expected to remain silent and invisible as you shadow your appointed member of the royal family or member of the court protectively throughout their daily tasks.

Rumors (that happen to be true) begin to circulate through the palace that you serve the younger prince of Asgard both outside and inside his chambers. There is little you can do once word of your off duty activities spread through every maid, cook, gardener and seamstress in the palace. You soon find even the soldiers in your own company are now questioning how exactly you had come to earn your seemingly quick rise to lieutenant.

As the annual Winter Solstice Ball approaches, you come to the heartbreaking realization that your relationship with Loki must come to an end if you are both to fulfill your duties.

Warnings: Angst, arguing, Thor trying to be a better brother, Odin being a terrible father... oh look fluff-ish... then more angst lol sorry 💚

Loki rests on his back comfortably on the thick rug in front of the fireplace in his bedroom. You lay with your head on his chest, he plays absent-mindedly with your hair as you both read. A light thud draws your attention away from your book, Loki had closed his and tossed it softly next to him. He looks towards the fire, lost in thought but his fingers still move through your hair.

"Loki?" you ask, closing your own book. He doesn't respond so you tap his chest gently. "Loki?" you ask again.

"Hmm?" he hums, looking at you. "Sorry love."

"Where did you just go?" you wonder.

"I was just thinking," he answers vaguely.

"I can see that," you giggle. "What were you thinking about?" you as as you prop yourself up on your elbow.

He sits up and you move so you are sitting next to him. "I am just curious..." he pauses as if he is deciding if he should ask you or not. "Were you allowed to choose your own path or did your parents force you onto this one?"

"Being a soldier?" you clarify.

He nods, "We've never discussed why you joined the army. I was wondering if it was something you truly wanted or if it was simply expected of you?"

"I'm not sure where this is coming from..." you say but he doesn't offer a reason. "My parents never actually told me that I had to go into the army but it was also never discussed that there were other options." He nods at your answer.

"When I first signed up, I did it almost entirely to make them proud of me," you tell him as you rest your head on his shoulder.

He kisses the top of your head, "Do you ever wish you had chosen to do something else?"

"No," you answer after thinking for a moment. "For a few reasons actually," you tell him with a smile.

"And what would those be?" he asks as he begins playing with your hair again.

"Aside from the fact that I have no idea what else I would do..." you tell him honestly. "I started to understand what my grandfather meant when he said there is no greater honor than to serve the royal family and protect the realm. I take a lot of pride in being a soldier for the royal guard."

He nods again but still looks a bit distracted so you add, "Besides, if I had chosen a different career path, I never would have met you."

At that he smiles and says, "And that would have been tragic." He guides your lips to his and you kiss him back.

When you pull away you can't help but ask, "Why are you asking me about this, Loki?"

He shrugs but you know there is a reason, "Tell me what is on your mind."

"I shouldn't dwell on it," he says quietly.

You touch his check lightly, "Do wish you were allowed to choose what your path is?"

"Sometimes," he looks down, his hand slowly moving up and down your back.

"If you could do anything, what would you do?" you ask him.

"If I wasn't a prince..." he says slowly. "If I wasn't bound by my royal duties? Spending my days in endless meetings about taxes and trade routes and other things that hold no interest for me?" he almost says it at if he is asking himself.

You nod for him to continue as you listen intently. He shakes his head and you shift so you are facing him. "Loki, tell me. If you weren't a prince, what would make you happy?" you ask.

"I love books," he says finally and you smile cause you know that. "I think I would want to share my love of them with others. To show them the vast number of amazing worlds they could visit and the vivid characters they could met. With the right books, history can come alive and poetry is its own language," he says, you can hear the excitement in his voice.

As much as it makes you smile to see him so passionate, you feel a twinge of sadness as Loki looks away from you and says, "I would love to teach literature. But... that is just a dream."

You hug him tightly, "If it means anything, I think you would have been a wonderful teacher."

He kisses your cheek and although he smiles, you can tell there is something he still hasn't told you. "Loki, how often do you think about this?" you ask him.

"I never used to but recently my thoughts wander more and more often, especially when I am in a particularly boring meeting," he says. "But it is not only just about being a teacher."

"What else do you think about?" you ask as he wraps his arm around your waist.

He strokes your cheek with his other hand and tells you, "Sometimes I envision a life where I have no royal blood, where I am just another Asgardian. We live together in a cozy home on the edge of the city with just enough land for a small garden." He kisses your lips softly and then he adds, "I imagine a life where I can love you freely and openly."

"Silence!" Odin's booming voice rips you from your memory and you look towards Loki as the chattering of the council members comes back into focus.

"Loki, you can't mean that," you tell him, you still feel shocked by his statement to the council.

"I do," he says. He puts his arms around you and pulls you flush to his chest. "I promised you that we would be together."

You feel at a loss for words so instead you reach up and kiss him, whispering that you love him between kisses.

Odin yells again and the throne room finally goes silent. You look towards the king but neither you nor Loki let go of each other.

"You cannot and will not do this," Odin orders Loki.

"I never wanted to do this," he tells his father. "I honestly never thought it would come to this. I thought you would see reason but it seems I was wrong."

"Brother, are you sure you want to risk this?" Thor asks. "Once this is done, it cannot be undone."

"I understand that," Loki responds but looks down when he notices you seem slightly confused. "If I renounce my title, there is no law that will allow me to ever become prince again."

"If you do this..." Odin walks slowly to the edge of the steps, "You will no longer be my son."

"If you force me to do this," Loki answers defiantly, "It is because you failed me as a father."

@soubi001 @michelleleewise @harlequin-hangout @ace-of-gay @xorpsbane @mochie85 @sheris532 @lokiswife-dark-fox-queen @kkdvkyya @animnerd @peaches1958 @peachyjinx @lokiandbuckysdoll @winterfrostlovetriangle @high-functioning-lokipath @winniewings @pics-and-fanfics @cabingrlandrandomcrap @icytrickster17 @lokisgoodgirl @mischief2sarawr @stupidthoughtsinwriting @mjsthrillernp @holdmytesseract @lulubelle814 @crimson25 @goblingirlsarah @janineb86 @chantsdemarins @simone818283 @tonystank8 @im-briana-stan @foxherder13 @chantsdemarins @catsladen @alexakeyloveloki @siconetribal @lokidokieokie @dragonmurray @honeydew3064 @malfoycassimalfoy @kneelingformyloki @realmamabear79 @n30n-f43 @huntress-artemiss @meowmeow-motherfucker

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[aphroditesbaby1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 17

♡ Chapter Inspo: Too Sweet - Hozier ; "You know, you're bright as the morning, as soft as the rain, pretty as a vine, as sweet as a grape."

♡ Summary: Winnie & Carmy attend one of their first full family functions as a couple, & Carm is anxious as shit that Donna will pop up.

♡ W/C: 10,217

♡ Posted Date: 04/16/2024

♡ A/N: WOW It has been a second since TB&HH got some love but we are so back!! I am actually really excited about this chapter! It is very long as you see, and It took a few times of scrapping & rewriting, and then I finally just said fuck it and did what I wanted to do LOL. I have been writing so much SydCarmy i've been achingg for some loveydovey Winnie & Carmy so here I am! As per usual requests are open for SydCarmy, CarmyxReader - anything really!

♡ Warnings for BTC: SmutSmutSmut (breeding kinks mentioned, car sex) - Swearing, Fluffy mush, Smoking cigarettes, talks of alcoholism, drinking

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝘊𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 / 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

Carmen and I had made it official 3 months ago now, and we were just as happytogether and obsessed with each other as the day we’d met. Today was the day that Natalie’s younger daughter, Briana or Bee as the family lovingly calls her would be getting Christened since she was officially a year old last week. 

When I returned last month from nannying in The Hamptons, Carmen had taken an entire week off permitted by Sydney being back in perfect health - and we fucked and ate and did whatever we wanted for the entire week before I had to get back to work. It was fair to say we had missed each other terribly and he’d told me I ‘wasn’t allowed to abandon him like that ever again’ even if it meant he had to pay all of my bills. 

I huffed frustratedly, my fingers beginning to cramp up from trying so many times to clasp on my simplistic gold St. Christopher medallion with my long french tips that Carmen had been insisting on paying for every 2 weeks.  

“Bear! I need help!” I called out to him where he was in the bathroom ‘borrowing’ my gel to relax his frizzy curls that he had no time to blowdry this morning. 

“what‘sup honey?” He asked as soon as I called, coming out to the bedroom where I was stood in front of my full-length mirror struggling to clasp my jewlery.

This is how he’d been for the past 2 months or so, I call, and he answers nearly faster then I can finish my request.

It didn’t matter what he was doing, not if we were in the kitchen (he did get a bit huffy if it was extra busy, but never mean, never ever mean.) But if we were at home? It was almost scary how fast he came to my call. I had even filmed a TikTok- jokingly saying- 

“My man will blindly do whatever I ask of him- watch- it’s weird as fuck- but it’s super cute. He will literally toss out whatever he’s doing and do what I say. I think he’s over in the living room drawing right now- but watch…he’s gonna shove all his colored pencils n’ shit right in his case and barrel over here like a puppy. Watch this. -”  I stepped into the hallway and flipped the camera “ oh - and he’s gonna say ‘I’m sorry’ cause he wasn’t here the second I asked him.” I whispered before calling- “ LLLLOVER?! What’re y’doin’s? Mon Ours?!” (My Bear?) down the hallway.  ‘Huuuh???’ he called back ‘WHAT’RE Y’DOING LOVE?’ I called louder. I heard wooden pencils tinkling together and muttered curses for a few moments before he appeared at the end of the hall, coming up to me “Wha?” he asked, “M’sorry honey- I couldn’t hear over the TV-“  “What are you doing?” I asked “Uhhh…drawing? Why?” He asked “need something?” “No” I shrugged, leaning against the doorframe. “Can you put it away?” I asked.  “Oh- sure gimme’ sec” he walked off to the living room for a few moments and I flipped the camera back to me,  “See he just does what I ask him to do what is this?! He just listens he’s the best listener-“ I whispered being interrupted by him asking “Hey Honey? D’you mean like away away?” He called  “No just put up. come here” I called and he comes back to me, kissing my head  “Are Y’Hungry? D’ya need y’r water filled? What day is it again? I didn’t forget plans did I?” he checked his phone and I rolled my eyes playfully  “I just wanted kisses” I puckered my lips  He gratefully partook, kissing my lips before pecking all over my face. “Did you get your period and are just needy for love and kisses or Is this a test?” I hit end on the recording, embarrassed by his stupidly good intuition. 

It had gotten nearly 4 million views, and he was baffled as to why - when I explained the likely reason to him, he could barely understand that a lot of boyfriends didn’t give a shit about their girlfriends needs- at least to the level he does, so the way girls were thirsting after him in my comment section was new to him, and slightly overwhelming for me because it had been weeks and likes and comments were still pouring in, and there were lots of people that knew who he was. I had gotten at least 100 comments reading ‘is that like- THE Carmen Berzatto? Just…chilling in your house?!’

It was also kind of annoying because people kept asking to see him now since they either thought he was hot or they wanted him to talk about cooking, but I’d never ask him to. He isn’t my show pony, I know he’s hot and talented and smart and amazing and my absolute everything - and I’d love nothing more than to share all of that with the people who we’re asking, but I knew for a fact he didn’t like being on camera and wouldn’t be comfortable knowing 300 thousand people were gonna be seeing it- and possibly many, many more. 

He thought it was sweet and funny that after when I told him I pranked him or more specifically, giggly telling him ‘you got-got bear, I got you so good’ that me ‘pranking’ him was asking him to put away his colored pencils and kiss me for the sake of it - when in culinary school his ‘friends’ idea of a prank was to dull out all of his knives so he’d have to spend nearly the whole day resharpening them and failing an assignment because of it.  

 “Oh, that? Here honey gimme” he takes the ends of the dainty chain from my fingers, standing behind me and clasping it easily before adjusting the charm gently to the middle before and kissing the top of my head. “Y’nails’re too long f’that Angel” he muttered, looking at the necklace in the mirror and rubbing over my lower stomach lovingly.  

He did that move a lot ever since he started getting more comfortable when we made things official. Especially when he knew I was ovulating during sex. It drove me absolutely insane  - he loved to do it while saying something along the lines of;

 ‘Y’want me t’fuck y’full pretty girl? Yeah? You wanna show everyone y’mine honey? Who you belong to princess? Are y’gonna have my babies? Mmm? Say it— Y’love it when I fuck y’like this, like a fuckin’ cat in heat. Ye’- is that it? Are you a filthy little fuckin animal? My pretty little pet?’

While he fucked me absolutely brainless. Before I went to my nanny gig, one day he peered over my shoulder while I was reading one of my fantasy books and saw the words mating press - he was immediately interested and very shyly asked what it was, before asking me to help show him what he needed to do to help me achieve that very position.

Surprisingly- after I had explained what the position was for in the books- it was the first time he didn’t quite literally leave or get overly anxious about the thought of us having children - even if it was just purely dirty talk. He just once again made sure that I was on birth control, and from there it became one of our very favorite positions. 

I’d never fucked a man before that made me promise to have his babies someday before cumming in me as deep as he could and rubbing over my extremely vacant womb due to being so pussy-drunk. All while whispering how pretty I’d be swollen with his seed- worshiping me like I’d already been carrying the child- muttering about how hot it would be if I were to be all big-bellied carrying his baby. Maybe it was his kink? Surely it was just a kink and it was the moment talking not his actual desires. 

It must be- because he’d been so adamant just a few months ago that he was ‘absolutely sure’ he didn’t want children so badly we nearly got into an argument over it when I asked him to just think about it outside of the realm of me. So he likely was simply turned on by the thought of a ‘nuclear domestic life’ just like any other person is. 

“Thank you, you look so nice, Bear. I can’t wait until it’s over though cause I wanna touch your hair. Can’t though cause it has all the stuff in it” I said, turning around and gently pushing back the stray sticky curl that had fallen out of place and was laying on his forehead adorably. 

“Mm Church isn’t my favorite pastime cause I have to have all the bullshit on. but you look…” he takes me in slowly, his hand sliding down over the curve of my waist. “Fuckin perfect. Can’t believe y’mine baby” he leans in for a kiss “wait- this stuff, can I kiss you?” He alludes to my lipstick which was likely about the same shade of red as my cheeks now due to his compliments. 

“Find out” I said and pulled him by his jacket, kissing him deeply. He hummed, squeezing my bum and pulling my hips into his, squeezing them gently. 

He was always extra careful to ask when I had makeup on and was getting ready to go out, that he could kiss me without messing anything up. He would sit and watch me do my makeup when going out for girls nights, so was very understanding and appreciative of the effort and time that went into it. He would help me pick out eyeshadow colors sometimes, but his favorite part was when I did lipstick. He tells me it ‘changes everything’ which makes me giggle, because that’s exactly what my grandma says. 

I pull away after a few moments, “how’s the makeup?” I tease, checking in the mirror. “Lady Gaga knows what she’s doing babe” I gently dab below my lip with my beauty blender where he had gotten some of my foundation by mistake in the heated lip to lip transaction. 

“The same one that did the poker face song?” He asked and I laugh a bit 

“If that’s all you know her by then we still  have a lot to learn about pop culture. But yes, the Gaga baby” I fixed up my lipliner a bit and he watched me in the mirror as I meticulously did so. 

“Mm I remember that and the weird meat dress. Fuck you look amazing baby here lemme see” he turns me around when I put the pencil down, gently brushing my fringe from my eyes. “You are so beautiful baby, fuckin’ breathtaking” he kissed my forehead gently. 

I smiled, holding his hands in mine and squeezing gently “you look very handsome baby, so handsome” I adjusted his tie and kissed his jaw gently. My alarm went off for 6:45 signaling it was time for us to leave, the sound causing me to jump a bit before I giggle shyly “Sorry. We’d better go” I grabbed my purse, making sure I had everything i’d need for the day. 

“Y’still wanna get coffee honey?” He asked as he put his dress shoes on. 

I nod “yeah- if I can get these stupid shoes on with this dress in time” I sat down on the bed slipping my foot in and trying to buckle the stupid tiny buckle with my nails, they were super pretty and Carm loved the scratches he got with them, but in terms of tiny things I always found myself struggling. 

“Here-“ he knelt in front of me “Hold this Honey” he hands me the hem of my dress and I pulled it up for him. He carefully adjusted the straps so they were straight, before buckling it “that good? Y’want ‘em tighter?” He asks and I shook my head 

“No- no. Thank you it’s perfect baby” I offer my other foot to him and he repeated the process. “You’re the best, Carmy, really. Sorry I keep needing your help when I go out” I said, kissing his cheek gently before he got up. 

“Can’t blame yourself baby those things are… ridiculous. I dunno how they’re comfortable” he outstretched his hand to help me up. 

I took it and kiss his lips lovingly once he pulled me up. “They aren’t. They just look pretty” I grab my purse once more, spraying on my perfume. “Now we’re ready” I said with a smile.

We got to the church with 5 minutes to spare before the service started, so we were able to find the back row where Richie, Eva, some random blonde that I’d assumed must be Eva’s mom, Syd, Fak, Natalie, and Pete, both of them with a kid in their lap were sitting. 

Sugar spotted us first “Oh! Yay! You made it sweetheart how are you? You look so beautiful” she smiled 

“Oh my gosh no way you all look so cute I love her little dress ohhh my gosh Carmy look at her!” I said happily 

“Yeah - Hey, Uh- Moms not-“ Carmy asked her quietly. 

“Bear - “ she almost laughed “She isn’t around until she can prove to me she's sober again” she said before turning to Fak who was sat next to her. “Honey, move down please! Look at all that row sweetheart” she nudged him with her elbow. 

“Hi Winnie the Pooh” Fak said, sliding down enough for Carm and I to squeeze in next to sugar.

“Hey Neil! Hope you’re well it’s nice to see you.” I sit down next to Carmy, crossing my legs.

“So is she your girlfriend yet?” He asked Carmy, nudging his shoulder gently. 

Carmy sighed deeply. “Yes, yes Fak. She’s my girlfriend. And we’re at church buddy. So it’s quiet time yeah?” He asked and I couldn’t help but stifle a giggle how he took after Sugars tone with him. 

“Thanks Winnie nice to see You too- Your dress is pretty” he told me and I smiled 

“Aww! Thanks bestie. Love the suit you look snappy” I said and held Carmys hand, kissing it gently. 

“It’s great t’see you guys!” Syd waves and I lean forward to see her better - But Carmy didn’t even say anything.

I look at him, seeing he was totally not here. “babe” I ask and he breaks his spaced out gaze on the large stained glass window up front and looked at me.  

“Mm?” He looks over at me. I rubbed his hand gently. 

“Everything okay sweets?” I asked softly and he nodded a bit.

“Talk ‘bout it later” he said and squeezed my hand gently. 

“Okay…” I said and hooked our arms together before relacing our fingers. 

I watched as he went back to staring at the same stained glass window, and resumed that way throughout the entire service unless we were participating in something. 

It worried me a bit, it seemed like he was disassociating - as to avoid what I wasn’t sure.

When we got back to the car I crossed my legs, buckling my seatbelt quietly and holding my purse in my lap. “What’s goin on baby?” I asked. 

He shrugged, shaking his head a bit and starting the car. “Nothin.” He said plainly 

“Mmm.” I mutter. “Funny cause you said we’d talk about it later” I said casually, pulling down the visor mirror on my side, reapplying my lipliner. 

“Talkin ‘bout it now. And I said- nothin” he said shortly, starting the van and backing out of the parking spot. 

“Ahhh of course because saying “nothings wrong” would have been too easy so instead- you added 3 extra words to tell me we’d talk about it now?” I pushed, carefully lining below my bottom lip. 

“D’you ever drop anything?” He asked, annoyance lacing his tone. 

“Mmm- no. I don’t..” I grinned teasingly 

“It’s none of y’fuckin concern that’s what it is.” He said, rolling the window down and lighting a cigarette as we pulled up to a stoplight. 

“Ohhh! Meeeeowww!” I teased, fishing my phone out of my purse. “Someone’s in a sour mood.” I tut, “I never got the invite to your pity party- did you forget about me lovey?” I teased. 

He rolled his eyes, gripping the steering wheel with his right hand. “You love pushing my fuckin’ buttons.” He muttered before taking a drag. 

“I loooove it. You know, you’ve yet to rage fuck me yet. Which is surprising- you’re 90% rage, and I’ve only gotten the 10% of soft.” I said, running my hand up his thigh until I got to his bulge, slowly stroking it over in his slacks. 

“You couldn’t fucking handle it.” He said, grabbing my wrist. “Don’t fuckin test me.” He grumbled, flicking my hand into my lap and hitting the gas as the light turned green. 

“Oh- oh- is that a challenge, Bear. You think I can’t take you? That I - can’t take you?” I scoffed, dropping my phone in the cup holder. “I find that a little rude. Where have your manners gone?” I drag my nails over the inside of his thigh, smiling to myself as his breath hitches.  I knew he was stuck in a loop about something negative- and since he didn’t want to talk about it- he likely needed to fuck about it. It was a system we’d created- kind of an unspoken one. But he would ruminate, and brood like a big baby - if I couldn’t coax it out of him with my words, he’d probably been so pent up with nowhere to put it so he needed to release all those hormones before he could get it off his tongue. He always did, after a long day the pillow talk we had would usually be intense feelings of self-doubt and fear of the restaurant failing- even though it was never close to failing. He’s worried about who knows what and needs to escape with something he has that will remain consistent, and something very accessible- and that something usually happens to be me.

“I’m fuckin driving” he said, but his growing arousal beneath my palm begged for me to continue. 

“Mmhmmm? And?” I asked, gripping him firmly at the base of his cock that was prominently showing now. 

“Y’fuckin- Jesus Christ” he hissed, holding the steering wheel with a white knuckle grasp. “Such a little fuckin-“ he gasped lightly as I grip him tighter. 

“What” I goad. “What? Finish the sentence, Carmy.” I tease, running my thumb along the vein I’d already memorized, feeling his member jump in the grip of my hand at the action. 

“Dirty fucking whore.” He hissed, cheeks pink at the admission. 

I giggled. “Awww- it’s nice to finally hear you say it” I teased, dragging the edge of my nail along his rock hard head

“J-Just-” he swallowed thickly, eyes locked on the road, refusing to break to meet my gaze

“Juuuust” I goaded, adding pressure and he whimpered

“Y’re fuckin evil” he said through clenched teeth, swallowing thickly and shaking his head lightly. “I said I’m fuckin driving.” he repeated, hips involuntarily bucking up into my grasp.

“So?” I asked, gently dragging my thumb over his waistband “Did you want me to stop, Bear?” I asked and he inhaled sharply, slightly shaking his head. 

“Ohhhh-oh! So you like when i’m a dirty fucking whore for you?” I questioned, my hand stilling over his goosebump-ridden skin.

“Do what y’gonna fuckin do” he muttered, swallowing thickly. 

“Fine” I said, unbuckling my seatbelt and pulling my skirt up my waist, slipping my panties and nylons down in one go after kicking off my heels into the footwell of the passenger side. 

“What’re you-“ he glanced over at me as I hiked my right leg up on the dashboard after pushing my seat back to lay down. 

“I’m doing what I’m gonna do. You said it yourself Bear - I’m a dirty fucking whore” I responded, angling myself so he could see and spreading myself out for him “so wet for you” I said in a sultry tone, gathering the sticky slick on my middle and forefingers, before bringing it right in front of his lips. 

“Don’t you love how dirty I am?” I teased, rubbing the sticky arousal on his bottom lip

He flicked his cigarette out the window and opened his mouth, taking my digits in and sucking them, humming in satisfaction at the taste “yeah I know you fucking love it. It’s why we’re perfect together you’re just as much a freak as I am” I said, pushing my fingers further and he widened his jaw wantingly. 

I gasped a bit as he bit down on my fingers “Such an animal” I giggle squeezing his cheeks and rubbing my spit slicked fingers down his chin when he released me 

“You really wanna go right now when I’m tellin you I’m not in a good mood?” He asked

“If you’re in the mood- I want you. Otherwise no thanks but I think you’d have said something before now” I pulled my dress out of the way of my core. “You aren’t gonna look? You always tell me how pretty I am baby” I gently spread my folds, rubbing my wet cold middle finger over my clit gently “mmm it’s so much better when you do it Carmy, don’t you wanna touch me?” I begged

He glanced over at me, tugging his lip between his teeth as he fans over my position, eyes trailing down to my pussy.. “You can come up with what we were doin’ since you wanna be so fuckin’ needy and can’t wait a few hours. Little sex demon” he said, slowing down and turning into a post office parking lot that was deserted due to it being a Sunday. 

“I wouldn’t be so needy if you didn’t look so angry and your arms didn’t look so good in that jacket” I said, crawling in the back and sitting on the floor excitedly 

“One second anger scares you the next it turns you on- I can’t fuckin figure you out” he said, shutting the van off and getting out of the drivers side, and quickly opening and shutting the back sliding door when he got in.. 

“Yelling scares me but I think being your little stress toy is sexy cause you appreciate it” I lay back when he took off his jacket, laying it down for me like a pillow.

“Whats the word?” he asked before kissing my neck with nipping, hot, wet kisses.

“First - gentle on the neck and leaving marks baby were gonna be with your family, and second orchid” I assured and he hiked up my skirt.

“Good Girl” he said and spread my legs open, his tattooed hand finding my soaked core immediately and dragging his middle and ring finger up the slick, rubbing over my clit with quick light circles making my toes curl .  

I gasped, already feeling like every nerve in my body was on fire. He had managed in our times together to memorize every single thing that made me creen in pleasure. He wanted me soaked before he’d barely even touched me, because that gave him the satisfaction of having memorized my body and the way it reacts to every little possible stimulation. 

“Your good girl” I breathed, tugging up my skirt higher so he can kiss over my stomach and hips how he usually did, during moments of intimacy he wanted to feel and taste every part of me I would let him - it felt more like worshiping if I was honest with myself, but when I thought about it I would get way too worked up. 

“That’s right princess” he gently nips on my skin. “How could I ever be rough w’you? Mmm? When y’so fuckin sweet? And so fuckin good f’me?” He hums, settling my thighs around his hips. 

I giggled, breaking up the gel in his hair as he kissed over my naval and hips, and gently massaging his scalp. His eyes fluttered shut in bliss, his kisses slowing before resting his forehead on my stomach and letting out a satisfied sigh at the action “Youre gonna have freshly fucked hair” I teased. 

“Don’t care. Mm keep touchin’ me please. Fuck baby-“ he rested his chin on my flesh looking up at me “I missed y’touchin me. So bad. Just touch me however you want” he begged, causing me to smile, a warm loving blush heating my cheeks. 

“You like when I touch you?” I gently caress his cheek and he leaned into it like a man starved. 

“I love it. I need it baby- really. I miss it so bad when y’cant.” He took my hand, kissing my palm. “I need you” he said softly. 

I swallowed hard, trying to relieve the growing lump in my throat and I cupped his cheeks lovingly. “I’m always here” I said softly and pulled him into a sweet messy wanting kiss 

I wrapped my arms around his back, gently playing with the hair at the base of his neck, smiling into his lips when I felt the goosebumps adorning his neck. “The reason we’re back here is cause I need you” I said sultrily in the shell of his ear, kissing his jaw gently. 

“I know ‘m sorry” he unbuttoned his pants and I cup his jaw bringing his attention back to me. 

“That’s not how I meant it bear” I said softly, gently moving his hands out of the way and unzipping them for him. “I love touching you, you know what right?” I asked as I untucked his shirt, gently running my hands up his toned stomach, feeling him lightly shiver beneath me 

“Uh- yeah…yeah- I do- I just sometimes feel like…I dunno. I ask f’r too much” he said quietly 

I rubbed over his abs, gently squeezing his hips and trailing my palms over his ribs beneath the loose fabric. “When do you ever even ask baby? I offer. I know you like it so I do it” I pull him closer, kissing the exposed bit of chest from the top 2 buttons being opened. 

“Is it weird when I do ask?” he questioned softly and I look up at him. 

“No. It’s not, it’s sweet and it’s healthy, Carm. It’s good to be loved” I gently kiss his neck and he guided me to lay, pushing himself free of his boxers and slacks, and lining himself up before gently pushing in. 

I moaned out, locking my legs around his waist and pulling myself closer to nudge him deeper inside, arching my hips and whining as I feel the tip of his cock right over that spongy spot that made me sob and shake with pleasure 

“You are fuckin greedy t’day Jesus Christ” he breathed, holding my hips for me “so fuckin pretty” he said as he pulls out halfway before rutting into that spot and I gasp sharply 

“Fuuuuck oh oh- you’re fucked” I whine to which he chuckled, a satisfied grin on his face. 

“You said you could handle this babe” he reminded, pushing in deeper but slowly as to not hurt me, resting his hand at the base of my stomach. “Fuuuck I love when y’let me have y’like this baby I can get so fuckin’ deep feel this” he said, taking my hand and resting it at the base of my stomach, slowly thrusting in. 

I felt the movement beneath my hand, my jaw slack and the most lewd pornographic noises coming from my chest “s-so- so big” I whined out dropping my head back in bliss and eyes fluttering shut 

“That’s right baby my good fuckin’ girl- my fuckin girl. Y’take me so fuckin well princess like Y’re fuckin made for me ye? Like y’re made t’take my fuckin’ cock? Mm? Made f’me to fill with my cum?” He asked as he started the relentless pace. 

I couldn’t even think - I just nod quickly in response “made f-uckkk yes- yesyesyesyes made for you I’m yours” I slurred, reaching down and rubbing my clit causing me to clench around him tightly 

He grunted, looking down and watching my fingers spreading around his cock as I rubbed myself “yeah? Y’like bein’ mine? Mmm? Y’like that I fuckin own this pussy? So goddamn greedy - needin’ me t’fill you up twice already today and it's not even lunch” He thrusts harder causing my back to arch sharply

Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes now at the waves of pleasure that were so intense the air around us felt like it was crackling with electricity.  I opened my eyes once more to find his gaze locked on my cunt, mesmerized by the thick white strings of arousal sticking to the base of his cock before snapping as he thrusted in and out. 

“Mmm isn’t it so fucking pretty were so pretty together baby” I moved my fingers faster, sitting up on my other elbow and nearly collapsing again at the new pleasure it brought. 

“Woah” he noticed, quickly wrapping an arm around my back and my head drops back to meet his gaze as he stopped thrusting 

“Fuck me oh my god fuck me- I- can you please? My- my knees can’t touch the floor my thighs are too short when I’m up on your lap you’re right i’m so fucking greedy for you I need you please fill me up please claim me”” I said in a needy tone, my breath rapid and uneven. 

“You are going to be the death of me” he groaned, holding the backs of my thighs and sitting me up on his hips with his palms on my ass, before leaning on the back wall of the van and thrusting up into me, hard and fast.

My eyes nearly rolled back before closing, my jaw slack with pleasure. I nodded quickly, tears spilling over my cheeks as he continued. Fireworks and stars float behind my eyes and I clutch the seat next to us with a white knuckle grasp to have some tether to my body. 

“So fuckin pretty” he grunted, fucking up into me harder “y’want me to fill this pretty pussy up? Mmm? Y’want me to fuckin make sure y’drippin the rest of the day? My little whore” he kissed my neck roughly and I couldn’t even warn him before my hips were shaking and my core was squeezing and releasing around him in a way that told him I’d reached my peak. 

My whole body felt waves of heat rushing through, everything felt so good it was starting to feel painful but I couldn’t ask for him to stop- I wouldn’t. I had never felt so good before, physically, mentally, emotionally. I couldn’t stop it even if I tried. The words fell out of me before I’d even registered the thought wasn’t just a thought, and was really coming out of my mouth. 

“I fucking love you” I cried out. 3 months. Three. That was it. That was all I’d had of him, and I’d known I’d loved him for probably 2 of those months. And had bitten my tongue and avoided the issue and successfully evaded his weird roundabout questions that would allude to me being in love with him until now. So if he didn’t feel the same, this was all we had, and all and would ever get. 

“Shit. Say it. Say it again baby been wantin’ it so fuckin’ long now” he rasped. I opened up my eyes, looking up at him to see his gaze was locked on me, like I had hung the sun in the sky just for him. 

“I love you Carmen.” I said honestly and he moaned, resting his forehead on mine, looking into my eyes. I smelt his minty breath mingling with mine, hot as it fanned my lips. 

“Yeah? Say it- fuck- say it one more time angel” he said, hips stuttering and thrusts becoming more sloppy. 

I cupped his cheeks, feeling as if we were the only 2 people left on earth and all we had was time.  “I fucking love you, bear” I said while looking into his eyes and he whined quietly, spilling into me so much that it began leaking out onto his thighs and the curve of my ass before he even pulled out and drawing me into a deep, fervent, wanting kiss, wrapping his strong arms around me and keeping his cock nestled deep inside as we exchanged hot, loving, messy kisses.

“Do you- do you really?” he asked when we pulled away to breathe, both of our chests moving up and down rapidly. 

I nodded, swallowing thickly “It- It slipped out…I didn’t mean to tell you like this - I wasn’t thinking- I know it scares you- I- I wont say it again if it-” he stops me by kissing me again, slipping his tongue over mine and wrapping me in a bear hug, leaning against the door and sucking on my tongue gently.

I hum in satisfaction, closing my eyes and letting him have me. “Say it whenever you want, please” he said softly when he finally pulled away. 

“You- you don’t think you can say it?” I asked, biting the inside of my lip nervously.

I had a feeling he was in love with me, but I’d been here before with someone and the L word scared them off. But the guy has been essentially living with me since we started seeing eachother - what else would that be!?

“No - No…honey thats not- I-I love you - ‘msorry, I thought you could… that you could tell what else should I do?” he asked and I smiled wide.

“Saying it was the only thing you were missing- oh and maybe coming home on time once in a while to show me you actually like being there- but nothing to be sorry for, I see you baby” I assured him, gently kissing his sticky sweaty cheek. 

I felt like I was in the most beautiful dream ever, There was nothing more that I wanted than him, and this.

He buried his face in my neck, sniffling softly and remaining quiet for a few minutes, before saying “We should go home and change, theres definitely cum all over that dress” he joked. His voice sounded slightly horse, and when I sat up to look at him he quickly wiped away a tear staining his cheek.

“I love you, and you don’t have to say it all the time baby - I’ll probably say it a lot more than you cause it’s just how I am, and I know you, and how you are. You show me with your actions how much you love me, and thats what I need. I know baby, I know you love me. I can tell you love me, every day” I wiped the stray tears from his cheeks with the pads of my thumbs, gently cupping his jaw. 

“How could you know if I never said it?” he asked and rested his hands on my lower back.

I took a deep breath, sighing softly as I thought with a small smile on my lips “Lets see… you always make me lunch- and dinner - you always watch shows I wanna watch, you actually listen to me when I talk about them- and notice things, and ask me questions. You always say thank you, even for small silly things like when I rub your hair, or when I make you your coffee. You compliment my crochet and costume making, and ask me about the books I read. You bring Persephone little toys and treats on the weekends when you have to hang out with her while I do inventory with Sadie. You always push yourself for me- even though I never ask you to, like bringing me flowers- or that time you bought my perfume because it was getting low and didn't say anything? You show me, Carmy. Every day, to be loved is to be seen. And you are always showing me that you see things about me that I didn’t notice you could even see because I thought I hid them well enough” I asked and he nodded a bit

“Now that you mention it… I guess I didn’t know what it meant, I knew I felt for you like- differently… then anyone before. But I felt like it would be too fair to call it love” he said and I pout a bit

“What do you mean, fair?” I asked and he rubs up my back gently with flat palms

“Fair to me. I didn’t think that something that felt so good could be love, that it was like- the universe fuckin’ w’me again. And something er someone  would take you away from me as soon as I called it love” he said and I gently kiss his chin, then lips, then the tip of his nose.

“Love can be scary, I keep waiting for me to do something and you just…turn. Like- like a monster or something. But it's not to do with you- because I can’t ever see you doing that, It’s just my past relationships scarred me so deeply that I'm just waiting. Like the day I dropped the cup at the restaurant, I thought you were gonna yell at me for some reason- even though you've never yelled at me. My ex would have yelled at me for hours over that- but you didn’t. You told me it was okay, and you cleaned it up and never rubbed it in my face or anything. That healed something in me, like- i’m not so scared to make a mistake around you anymore, cause it’s happened and you reacted healthily. So every time you think I'm going to leave, and I don't- it's going to heal a small part of a fear like that in you, and make this all alot less scary. At least- that's what my therapist says” I shruged a bit. 

“I’m glad it’s with you. Being in love.” he said softly, eyes fluttering shut as I gently brushed my fingers through his messy hair to look a bit more contained. 

I smiled, kissing his forehead gently “I’m glad too, Bear. I wouldn’t wanna love anyone else”

“Where the fuck have you guys been? Hey sweetheart- did you go back home and change?” Richie asks as we came in the kitchen.

I was baring a bouquet of flowers and Carmy was holding a 2 bottles of wine “sorry! Yeah my heels were bugging me it’s my fault” I said giving him a hug and he kisses my cheek

“You better not be pregnant yet the holidays are the worst time - also Richie will you quiet your loud mouth I just put Bee down” Natalie says as she comes by giving me a kiss on the cheek and ruffling Carm’s hair 

“Wine? Look at you Bear she’s turned you into a real adult- takin’ gifts to parties like a big boy” she teased, taking the bottles and he rolled his eyes 

“She’s not pregnant and you’re not funny” he took my hand, pulling me to him and rubbing my back gently.

That was another thing- the family now saw us as the next couple to get pregnant - even though we’d hardly been together a year - Because ‘they dont want our kids to be the only cousins being left out when the girls are older, I guess maybe I should take it as a good thing and being they’ve accepted me as one of theirs

“Let’s sneak t’the backyard before they can rope me in t’somethin yeah?” He whispered in my ear 

“Okay” I smiled, kissing his cheek gently and lacing our fingers together as he leads us towards the back door

“Hey! Carm I didn’t know you were coming who’s this?” An older man says and I turned around 

“I didn’t know you were comin’ hey Unc- this is my girlfriend, Winnie” he said and I smiled 

“Hi” I wave shyly to the older man. I’d never seen him before, Carmy did mention though he had been paying an Uncle Jimmy back for money Mikey had borrowed for the restaurant but no one else - so this must be him.

“Ahhhh okay, Hello Winnie - what a name. You are just a sweetheart, Is this one treatin’ you good? I can knock some sense into ‘em. You ever need anything you come find Jimmy okay?” he teased and I smiled a bit

“He is nothing short of lovely but I promise I’ll pass word if that ever changes and take you up on the offer” I joked and he smiled 

“She’s gonna fit in just fine here, Carm. Where’d you find this one?” He asked and Carm shrugged a bit. 

“Just. Around. Moms not coming is she?” Carmy asked and I looked up at him

“Who knows kid. She told me she’s off the bottle but- who knows” he said with a shrug and Carm nodded a bit. 

“Don’t tell ‘em where we went, please” he opened the back door, tugging me outside and shutting it behind us. 

“If my mom comes we’re leaving” he said and I crossed my arms. 

“You don’t want me to meet her but you love me?” I asked and he chuckled dryly.

He hadn’t spoken much about her, the most I’d known was that she’s a raging alcoholic- had driven a car through their family home at one point, but when Natalie had her first baby she cleaned up for about 6 months, then fell off again- and has been going months in addiction, then trying to clean up for a birthday or something like this, and the cycle maintains that way. 

He digs his cigarettes out of his jeans, pulling one out. “I don’t want you to meet her because I love you. Don’t pull that. Is that gonna be a fuckin’ card for you now because I was honest?” He stuck it between his lips and lit it.

I felt my stomach twist. He was already starting to fly off the handle and say things he didn’t mean. That little comment would absolutely be a deeper conversation when we did get home - because I didn’t appreciate it in the slightest.

“A card?” I scoff “what do you mean card. This isn’t a game, Carm, this is our lives, There are no cards.” I took a deep breath to try and regulate myself. “You don’t really talk about her. And I don’t want to push you- but what is it is she mean? Is it just that you think she’s gonna hate me?” I questioned and he rubbed over his forehead, exhaling smoke away from us.

“Winnie it’s not even- this isn’t even the fuckin place t’talk about it. No she’s not- she’s not fuckin mean she just has issues okay. And she - she fuckin yells it’s more for your sake, she’s all fuckin loud and I don’t want her freakin you out and - I— I just don’t want her showing up and if she does oh well, we’ll be gone before she knew we were here. I don’t even want her knowing about you. Not right now at least. Whenever we get married or whatever the fuck - sure I’ll tell ‘er, but before then she just has the potential of fucking this up” he said before taking a long drag of his cigarette. 

Of course. This was all leading back to his abandonment issues. Most of the issues in our relationship related back to my anxiety around death, and his anxiety around being left alone because he’s ‘not good enough’ in his mind. We couldn’t keep basing our relationship around fears or we’d never grow- so, I pushed.

“Your mom isn’t gonna scare me away. I don’t care if she is a screamer. My mom was a screamer. Chris didn’t have to deal with it- I did. By myself. So trust that I can handle it. I don’t want you getting comfortable yelling at me because I have to live with you. But I love you, and I love everyone else we’ve met in your family, and so I’m sure I will like her if she shows up.” I said and he shook his head. 

“No. No. I don’t wanna hear what she has T’say babe. Good- thank you- I’m glad - I-I’m happy you aren’t gonna fuckin leave but I don’t want to hear her fuckin mouth, Winnie. Shes gonna have somethin to say about you, about us. And I- I can’t handle it. I care about you too much and I won’t be able to keep my mouth shut and I’m gonna ruin the entire night. If she chooses me the whole night will get ruined because if she chooses me you’ll start and then she of course can’t -“ he shut his eyes, breathing deeply. 

He wasn’t budging about this, or even willing to compromise with me - and his telltale signs of a panic attack started to show, quick breathing, flushed skin, scrunched brows, literally shutting himself off by squeezing his eyes shut.

“Baby” I said softly, stepping forward and wrapping my arms around his middle. “We’ll go. We’ll go.” I assured him, gently running my finger over the bulging vein in his neck with a featherlight touch. “You’re so stressed love, breathe” I rub my palm gently over his racing heart. 

“This is why. I can’t even fuckin think about it Winnie, I can’t” he wrapped his arm around my waist and took another drag of his cigarette. 

I had to break this thought loop he was stuck in right now. I could see the gears turning in his mind, each and every worst-case scenario playing out in great detail like a film reel. It was something that my therapist had taught me during sessions and I had eventually picked up on, and started doing it with Carm. She would ask me a random question about something I love, so Taylor Swift, or Music Festivals, or Cats, and get me really into talking about it - and all the negative thoughts just snap away.

“How many kinds of vinegar are there?” I ask and he raised his eyebrow in confusion. 

“Vinegar?” He asked and I nod. 

“All  kinds. Well- I’ll be fair I guess cooking kinds, are there other kinds?” I gently fixed his chain to face the front. 

“Anything that is a fruit vegetable or a grain can be a vinegar, honey- why are you asking me this?” He questions and I shrug. 

“Because I wanna know. So ew you can make onion vinegar?” I scrunch my nose. 

“Uh-“ he took a drag of his cigarette “yes babe but…who the fuck would want that?” He asked, a small hint of a smile on his lips, my trick working as it usually did.

“What about balsamic vinegar, what is that?” I asked, sticking my hand under his shirt and holding his hip, stroking little lines into his skin with the pad of my thumb. 

“It’s grape juice vinegar instead of wine vinegar to put it simple” he said and I nod 

“You’re smart” I said, gently kissing his jaw “so so smart. It’s sexy” I said and he gently squeezed my bum

“What’s all the interest about vinegar babe you writin’ a book?” He teased and I giggle into his skin

“You’re not stuck in a loop anymore that’s what” I kissed down his neck. “And I was thinking about it in church. I was like what is red wine vinegar. Oh yeah and what is it?” I asked and he chuckled. 

“Mmm so full of questions sweetheart. They take red wine, then they ferment it, and then they add a culture-“ 

“A culture like yogurt?” I asked and he hummed 

“A culture like yogurt, that’s right little Sous someone’s been listening when I go on about work stuff huh?” He said, patting me gently. 

I smiled proudly “I love listening t’you. Okay keep going smarty sorry for interrupting” I said and he threw his cigarette butt down into the ash tray on the rail before wrapping his other arm around me and leaning against the wall. 

“Well not much else princess, they just ferment it and then add the culture then they put it in a barrel to ferment” he explained and the door opened 

“Bear Richie needs your help he’s fucking everything up with the lamb can you please come in?” Natalie asked 

“I literally sent him a text of what to do step by step” he huffs, “You wanna do the lemon zest honey?” He asked me as we went inside 

“Sure, I’ve been told I’m you’re best zester” I teased and he chuckled as he rolled up his sleeves to wash his hands 

“You are my best zester and my best girl.” He kisses my temple when I come next to him at the sink to wash my hands.

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

After I’d dressed the lamb and put it in the oven, I went and sat on the couch with Sadie and Winnie who were deep in conversation about something I couldn’t even pay attention to at the moment. Because Nat had pulled me aside about 25 minutes ago to tell me mom is coming, but only for dessert- and only because she’s ’on the mend again.’ Whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. 

She’d been ‘on the mend’ and uncountable amount of times since Natalie's kids had been born. Each time was unpredictable to say the least. I had completely given up on her ever becoming fully ‘healthy’ whatever that means, a long time ago. But if she would at the very least be honest and not have to make a huge scene of being removed when she shows up drunk after she swore she would be ‘sober as a nun’ that would be at the very least more respectable. 

Natalie had begged me to stay. Said I was the ‘only one she’d talk to’ which felt like bullshit- because mom and I don’t talk. She talks and I listen - and I told her if she’s drunk we’re leaving. I have a bad feeling Winnie and Mom won’t take kindly to each other especially if moms drunk. Of course that wouldn’t be Winnies fault, but the point still stood strong. Also- Syd is here, and I don’t want Syd dealing with that. So if mom does show up - which I really hoped she wouldn’t and was just trying to give Natalie some false hope she still cared about the family at all since Mike did what he did - I’m taking Winnie and Syd and getting the fuck out of here.. 

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by Winnie laughing loudly “Sadie you are gonna piss him off stop” she rubs my arm 

“I think it’s precious baby don’t listen to them” she said and I look up at Sadie who’s showing Syd a video on her phone and she gasps before slapping her arm and laughing 

“Sadie stop!!” She laughs “A) he doesn’t carry a bag B) he doesn’t have a mustache- but everything else is accurate in that” she took a sip from her wine glass

“What? Are you making fun of me?” I asked and Winnie laughed a bit, a frisky grin on her face

“What!? Never baby it’s just a silly joke how we’re like..a common match I guess. It’s only a joke” she explained and I extended my hand 

“Let me see” I told Sadie and she shook her head

“You weren’t paying attention so no” she teased and I roll my eyes

“Children” but I couldn’t help but smile a bit. That was something I did around Winnie a lot. Richie was right, she is very funny, in strange ways but she is. It’s more of a childlike randomness then anything else but it tends to really draw people in. It drew me in. I still hadn’t had a chance to ruminate over what happened earlier. 

I do love her. I just feel scared that I said it, that now I did there really is another shoe waiting to drop. It almost felt like another secret, because if it’s not i’m gonna be drilled with questions. Questions that I likely don’t have the answer to and won't until I talk it out with my therapist like every other fucking thing in my life. It was starting to revolve around that woman. Or thats what it felt like. I’d been seeing an individual therapist for only 2 months out of the three we’d been dating. I’d started after breaking down in Nat’s car at 3 am that one time. She’d told me she was either dragging me there, or she ‘couldn’t be around me anymore’ because it hurt her too much to see me ‘spiraling out like Michael without the drugs’ .

I’d thought she was being dramatic, sure the only reason I broke down like that was Winnie, and I refused to stop seeing her so that would no longer happen - but I also couldn’t stand not seeing and talking to Nat so often, I forgot how much i’d missed her in New York and her …. nagging. Strangely enough. 

“Bear-” I felt a grab on my shoulder and see Nat standing there “Let’s go outside yeah?” she said and I nodded a bit, looking over at Winnie 

“Be back in a second yeah?” I kiss her head and she nods turning back to Sadie listening to whatever story she was telling her

I shut the door behind us digging a cigarette out and lighting it. “You’re quiet tonight” she leaned against the rail and watched me. 

“A lot going on in case you haven’t realized” I muttered, taking a drag and looking down the street to avert her gaze. I wasn’t gonna go into everything right now, not here - and not when mom is gonna be here who knows when because she’s said that she was coming to dessert before and then came hours before expected because she thought Nat had told her 6 when she’d really told nat 8.

“Is it…Winnie?” she asked, and I suddenly felt annoyed at the thought that anyone could ever think she did something to me to intentionally make me feel this way

“No- no. Why would it be? Its fuckin mom. Winnie was all fuckin excited to come here and be here with all of you- because i’ve told you I don’t want her around mom- so since I was told she 100% was not coming I decided - oh how fuckin nice- she talks about never havin’ a fuckin family to do shit with, and never having been to a fuckin dinner like this- and now day fuckin’ of you drop on me she’d be here. If I’d have known, I’d never have come here. I’d never have told her. Because she loves to be apart and she - she wants me to feel good about shit like this but I can’t when mom’s involved. And now - it’s gonna be a whole fucking thing t’night when we get home. And its not her fault she sees when im upset, and its not her fault she can be normal when talking about shit like this. And its not her fault were all so fucked up. So it's not Winnie- Its us. Its who we are as a fucking family unit. So thats what it is, Nat” I said and finally looked over at her. 

She sighed deeply, nodding a bit. “Shes smart, Bear. And strong as any one of us, i’ve talked to her, you know? More then just once. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, and you’re a good person, Carm. She’s not pestering you, she’s worried about you. But we all know how you love worrying about your own shit so much that you can’t see the people around wanting to help.” she said.

“Thats why I don’t want her around mom. Because I know she wont be able to stand her, Nat. She’s….she doesn’t let peoples shit slide. And I’m worried because I can’t control her- I- I wont. It’s one of her…rules” I sighed a bit.

“She gives you….rules?” she asked.

“Not like that- just like- ‘do this and I’ll leave you without question this is your warning’ and one of ‘em is If I ever seriously try to control how she acts around anyone were done. Which I can understand shes a girl and all that” I stomp out the burning butt under my shoe.

“See- shes smart. And It will be fine as long as Mom comes sober and stays that way. She wont start anything with anyone as long as she is. Can you just please, please do me a favor and try to keep her away from the liquor, Carm? We’re putting it away before she gets here but… She can’t be around the kids if she drinks and Bee’s been fussy and I can't let Charlie see her if she gets drunk without anyone looking. I can’t keep an eye on her, but you can! Please Carm, please” she begged.

“No- No. Fuck no, actually. Fuck that- and fuck this, Natalie. No, I’m not leaving my fucking girlfriend alone tonight, so I can chase mom around the house to make sure that she doesn’t drink. I’ve told you. I don’t want to be a part anymore of her fuckin’ bullshit! What are- are you even getting out of this, Natalie? She’s not a grandmother, she’s an extra child you bring around presenting as a fuckin’ grandmother because you want y’r fuckin’ kids to have what we didn’t even have. Newsflash, Nat- To know how to be a fuckin’ grandmother? You need to have been a mother- something she’s never been good at. I’m glad you took me out here because the last thing I needed was mom showing up - and me being expected to play fuckin’ alcoholic sitter all night. Enjoy your shit show with mom”

 I turned around, opening the front door and having every urge to slam it, but holding back and shutting it calmly. I leaned against it, taking a few deep breaths and rubbing over my face. If I go in theliving room steaming, Winnie’s gonna cause a whole fucking scene trying to calm me down, well- not a scene - but she’d notice how upset I was off the bat, and then i’d make a scene trying to convince her I was fine when that was the furthest from the truth and spiral out of control when she didn’t believe me.

This was not how this night was gonna go. Not if I could do anything to help it. If Winnie wanted to do a big fucking family dinner at Nat’s or Richies, or something. Hell, I’d buy a fucking house and throw a dinner party there with everyone if it meant I kept her from being apart of this god damned dumpster fire of a situation. 

“Honey” I called from the hall, trying to keep my voice even and digging my keys out of my pocket.

“Comin’!” she called from the living room, a few seconds later showing up at the end of the hall and padding over to me with her glass of wine and her regular smiley warm demenor.

“Hey baby” I tried my best to put on a small smile, “Uh- I’m sorry…I’m not feelin’ good my stomach is feelin’ pretty fucked and I have bad heartburn, we’ll come back for the next one, yeah?” I told her, wrapping my hands around her hips and pulling her closer. 

“Oh no! Sweetheart, you have barely eaten today mm? That may be why your tummy is buggin’ you. Lets get you something small before dinner and you can lay down and see if it passes? If not we can go, The lamb you made is smelling so good baby I wanted to try it, I’ve never had that before” She asked sweetly, gently rubbing my chest. 

Damn her always having solutions. 

“No- honey… please- please? I just wanna go home and lay down and watch our shows, I can’t even hold anything down right now- can we?” I asked gently, leaning against the wall. 

Before she could even answer, my entire world spin and flew off of its axis. I wanted the ground to swallow Winnie and I up and send us somewhere that was anywhere but here. The entire house silenced, other then the near bane of my existence but also the unfortunate giver of life I was currently living out.  “No! NO! If my SON doesn’t want to see me, He will TELL ME WHY Natalie! He can EXPLAIN HIMSELF! I am not a child! I can HANDLE MY OWN SON YOU MY FUCKED UP LITTLE WANNABE AS MUCH AS YOU TRY TO REPLACE ME - ARE NOT HIS MOTHER!”

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡

#Carmen Berzatto x OC #carmy berzatto x oc #carmen berzatto #carmy berzatto #the bear fx #the bear hulu #the bear fic #the bear fanfiction #carmen berzatto fanfiction #carmy berzatto fanfiction #carmen berzatto fluff #carmen berzatto smut #the bear #carmy berzatto smut #carmy berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto x you #carmy the bear #carmy x reader #carmen x reader #carmen berzatto blurb #borders & banners by saradika

[theflagscene]

Are u ok? Not to be nosy but that commentary about Non’s ma was something, made my stomach twist up.

Oh I’m sorry I gave you a twisty tummy! I did not mean to make anyone uncomfortable with my comments about the actresses performance. I will preface this with; yes, I am okay.

I typically take very close notice of actors who play parents of children who die in media because I am firstly a trained actor myself, but secondly and more importantly, someone who has seen that type of loss very up close. When I was a teenager my younger sister was murdered, I was the one who told my parents what had happened. I phoned my mother and then she and I were taken to the hospital where my sister was pronounced dead, then I was the one who met my father at intake while my mother was with my sister’s body and I told him as well. I was sixteen, my sister was six.

So I know what that loss looks like on a parent’s face, what it sounds like, how it sits on their body and changes their movements. Especially when the death is a violent death, a sudden unexpected death. I always watch closely actors in scenes where they must mimic those emotions, especially right after they’re told. Because—god willing—the actors in these scenes have not gone through this type of situation before, so they have nothing personal to draw from. And sometimes it’s terrible, just horrible acting lol. It’s over the top, melodramatic, laughable even. But when an actor gets it, really gets it, when they manage to lock into that moment—and it’s a moment that only happens once, never again—that their child, their baby, is dead and they’re never going to see them again. When an actor manages to lock onto that single moment where it hits in you in the chest, it’s completely new information that you hadn’t even considered before and now you’ll never be able to not know it again, I notice it. I always notice it when an actor connects with that moment, I can see it so clearly and when it’s good it’s so good.

The actress who plays Non’s mom (I cannot find her name, I’m sorry) she did so fantastic in that moment, you could see it in her face exactly when she realized Non wasn’t missing, that he was dead, her baby was dead. And even if later in the series it turns out that Non is still alive, it doesn’t matter, because now she’s dead, his mother is dead and she died with the belief—not even a belief— the visceral knowledge that her youngest born was dead. So for her, he will always be dead.

So yeah, heh, sorry about that dark realness. I just, I always notice those scenes, especially when they’re well done. And I respect the actors who are able to do it well, because it’s not an easy mindset to find, there are multiple emotions involved in it and it’s commendable when an actor hits all of the emotions exactly right.

But again, I am okay! Lol, I feel like I should reiterate that. I’m in my thirties now, this happened a long time ago. I’m okay, thanks for your concern ☺️

#anon reply #replies #tw death #tw murder #dff the series #dead friend forever

[kaelio]

Thorne!! 7. Does the character’s age matter to you? (BONUS QUESTION but I'm wondering how old you think he was when he was turned? I think for some reason my mind generated him being like a little older when I first read it but on my recent deep reread of B&G I was also reading along some meta about him being younger-man coded (also using clues from his relationship to Maharet and the tiny details about his life) and how it fits into the mold of Marius wanting to mentor young men/young men being drawn to him as an authority figure? And imagining him as a SMOL BABY actually completely changed the Thorne chapters for me. SO CURIOUS ABOUT YOUR THOUGHTS LOL. sorry i added a whole side project here I just got excited) 13. If you could draw effortlessly and as much as you wanted, what scene (s) would you draw for this character? 50. Link your fav song, playlist, aesthetic board, fan-fiction, reference pile, personal artwork, analysis post, meme, headcanon, or quote for this character. Whichever one (s) you are most comfortable with!

7. Not tremendously? I do like that, at around a thousand, he's an old vampire but not a new super duper mega ultra old vampire. I do sort of still see pre-Prince Lestat era as meaningfully distinct from PL-onward. As one of ~20 vampires, having one who is a scootch older than Santino but younger than Mael is nice. Kind of like how I'm mad Eric got iced since that's a fairly rare age for one of the vamps.

I do tend to assume he was around 32-37 when he was turned, though I think he could easily be late 20s or something. Since the text doesn't specify, I just roll with what I want. I do think if he'd been in his early 20s you'd get some of the weird fawning you get with descriptions of Sybelle and Bianca, who are both over 20. One of my biggest complaints about the series is one of the commonest ones (I think?)--everybody's turned too young. So if I have any opportunity to visualize one as being a normal age, I'm going to do it. Also it feels like if he were that much younger than Daniel, it'd be mentioned?

As for scenes to draw, I do love that bathtub scene!!!!!!!! I do like that a lot!!!!

50. This one is not going to be popular, but in the PL era, I like the idea that Armand gets semi-won-over to the idea of the Court if he can be head of the secret police, and so then if Thorne is the face of the marginally more aboveboard side of law enforcement (LOW fuckin bar) (Eudoxia dID describe Cyril as sort of a maverick... not really chief material, you know?), then they with Marius form a little sexy trio of evil wankers who ostensibly uphold vampire justice. wouldn't that be great?? just terrible

[morbid-dreamzz]

(unfinished drawing ↑)

@capriciousbuzzsawshark hey uh since you asked so nicely about her... I tried to do something

Idk how to write bios so this is a mess, sorry!!! .⁠·⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠(⁠>⁠▂⁠<⁠)⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠·⁠. Long pile of text, beware

Full name (in japanese order): Nema Sune

Age: 12

Personality wise, Sune is generally pretty chill but kind of awkward. Though, she can be snarky as fuck and has a strange sense of humor, which she unconsciously uses to cover her constant and profound sadness. She may come off as mean sometimes despite not having the intention to hurt others; it may not look like it, but Sune is really appreciative of the people she cares about it. She's just kinda bad at expressing it '^^

*coughs* Sune is a literal accident. She is an unwanted child whose parents only decided to have due to social pressure, this only has made her life worse as she has been emotionally neglected by them since birth. She has learnt to take care mostly by herself, but It's because of this she has difficulties socializing and regulating her own emotions. She has pretty much been lonely her whole life, additionally her classmates often shushed her away for being a crybaby when she was even younger. The only person who helped her was a teacher, but she lost all contact with her when she got "homeschooled" at age 10.

To fuck up things even more, she has always been kind of lazy but it got worse when she started showing symptoms of narcolepsy at age 7. This is the actual reason she's so drowsy all the time hahan't (she most likely has narcolepsy type 2). God's sleepiest soldier 🧍

Additional info that is incredibly irrelevant;

The outfit she wears in almost all of my drawings is just her pajamas e_e

Has an interest in web design (she's not an expert at coding but she could make pretty Tumblr themes if she wanted to 😈)

Has had unrestricted internet access since she was 3 (help)

Physically weak/fragile

Can't swim lol

Is a sleepwalker

↑for some reason she's better at specific activities when she's asleep?? I thought that would be funny sorry

Has a terrible sleep schedule (more like, she doesn't even have one)

Does have a deck but I haven't thought about it enough sorry 😔

Was introduced to duel monsters thanks to that one teacher that actually gave a shit about her

JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED BUT CAN'T ADMIT IT

Just give her a hug. Please

If you're wondering why tf she knows Nail WEEELL they met before he was dragged to Goha's basement undergound "garden of providence".

I can't explain properly whatever they have going on since it's complicated & that's another subject, I guess?

#sorry it's not that interesting asjakdcjs #behind a massive cringefail girl‚ there is a tragedy /j #22_09md

[dicksoutformtl]

Kloktober ‘22 babey!

Sorry I’m skipping day 3 cause I don’t know to draw it. Wasn’t sure how to draw this one out so I’m just going to write these out 💘

Day 4: A favorite headcanon

so hey I have several headcanons I’m very partial too & feel free to let me know your own hc’s or thoughts :3c

Nathan has autism

I don’t have a super well thought out reason for this one but Nate just gives off the vibes of someone of on the spectrum lol, I don’t know why but it feels like autism but mmg I could be reading into a bit. ( regardless he’s definitely on the spectrum somehow. )

Nathan has selective mutism & uses sign language a lot of the time

It’s been a bit minute since I’ve watched the show but if I remember right Nathan didn’t talk or at the very least talked so little until highschool. I dunno but my mind reads that as selective mutism & ofc how else are you supposed to communicate when your non verbal asl ofc c:

i think his parents would’ve taught him when he was young an he seemed to take to it. Though he didnt communicate much with it but he could at the very least tell you what he was wanting. I think he also knows a few other versions of sign la but in other languages.

Skwisgaar has trauma related to his childhood & is uncomfortable/uneasy around women in a more serious intimate way

That’s a mouthful but I don’t know how to properly express this way cause I’m not a therapist lol but I do think his mom totally fucked up his views on relationships an not just with men but also women. I think men are a whole different ballpark so I’ll move around it for now.

I know he’s very promiscuous but I am very convinced he’s unable to not feel uneasy if the relationship moves past the FWB or one night stand it makes him very uneasy ( more serious feelings but I can’t form the correct words sorry dndbd ) with it. His mother just really fucked up that up for him

Murderface is so fuckin deep in the closet, he’s a gay man & often overcompensates things to make up for his inner homophobia

I am so sorry if you hc him completely striaght but I can’t look at this man & think he is striaght man. I do think his upbringing with his grandparents but also in the Bible belt of USA made him repulsed of himself. I do think when he was much younger he did have a boyfriend on the down low & in secret but it ended terribly which I’ll go into more some other time but aha yeah closeted gay man mf that has interenal homophobia

the honorable mention ofc is trans pickles much like everyone else that’s a really big one I have

Sorry I’m going to also skip todays prompt I also don’t know how to go about it either aa

#sorry these are a bit of a mess lol wasnt sure how to go about them #mtl #metalocalypse #kloktober2022

[undergrounddweller89]

Imagine the first time Killian ever gets drunk in front of Walter in house mate au lol if anyone remembers my au for spies in disguise.

So Walter comes back in the evening and finds Killian just draped across the couch, doodling away looking serious so Walter thinks he's working on something serious.

Walter offers to order in .

Killian looks like he's scowling or frowning at him as he climbs off the couch and rises to his feet and it feels like something rising high out of the water or something.

Walter swallows

"Sorry won't bother you, I see you're busy."

He starts to turn away , Killian grabs his wrist gently , Walter turns back only to be met with this gorgeous beautiful portrait of himself.

(Tristan Mcford was supposed to be killians name before they decided to change it to Killian it's usually a fan thing to use it as his real name and Killian his Alias)

"Tristan... it's beautiful, wow you drew that , it's so awesome!"

Tristan's frown deepens and Walter goes quiet as a clawed hand comes up and holds his face gently, lightly squishing his cheeks and Killian leans in looking at him.

"It's terrible."

Walter blinks

"But, but it's beautiful...."

"Beckett I could draw you a million times over..."

He tossed the drawing onto the coffee table and pulled Walter close to him arms around the younger man.

Walter's breath hitched, he hadn't told Tristan he like liked him, he was so warm and he smelt of what he'd been drinking mixed with that smell of pencils when you'd been handling them for hours and a warm inviting body spray of some kind.

Killian nuzzled into his hair and sighed.

He hadn't told Walter yet that he liked him, his hair was so soft and he smelled like Lavender and a faint smell of smiles and chemicals that came from Beckett's work place.

"I could draw you a million times over and I'd still never capture just how beautiful you really are...how blue your eyes... soft freckles across your nose..."

As Walter listened to him he started to notice Killian getting heavier on him.

"The colour of your hair in the sun so wonderful... delicate skin...so kind so sweet...so caring "

And heavier.

"Killian?"

And heavier until he couldn't support the older man's weight and found himself pinned to the floor and being cuddled.

He moved just so he could breathe but realised sleep drunk Killian wasn't going to let him go so he reached up for a couch cushion and put it under his head and pulled up his wrist computer.

He didn't feel like waking drunk Tristan Mc Ford so he stayed still, staring up at the holo screen while playing with Killians hair.

Killian couldn't have meant those things right, just completely hammered was all ...yeah...but maybe just maybe...he had?

Hmmm wouldn't that just be nice ... to imagine such a thing ...so wonderfully perfectly....he settled on the floor and adjusted him, might as well use him like a blanket to while he was down here and Killian seemed to happily sleepily oblige as he cuddled him

"Can I keep you?"

Walter asked softly.

"Yes you can keep it...nnnrg also the spiders from Mars are visiting need code red."

Walter giggled softly , awww he really was drunk wasn't he.

Lifting up the drawing ,his other hand still playing with Killians hair, he admired the sketch

His heart skipped a beat , how was he ever gonna tell Killian just how much he loved him.

Man sorry I could barely write the end so sleepy tipsy tired my self lol but legend has it they're still snuggling to this day xD

#Walter Beckett #Tristan Mcford #killian #house mates au #spies in disguise #walter x killian

[doodledrawreblogs]

tag game :))

tagged by @starrybouquet ily

name: cy!!

pronouns: she/her

where do you call home?: the midwest, usa

favorite animal: I'm partial to a good polar bear :))

cereal of choice: granola.....love me a good granola

visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner: it honestly depends on the subject. Usually I'm a visual learner, but I do really appreciate practical applications and hands-on time, especially for science subjects.

first pet: my family had a black lab when I was younger...beaker was a good girl!!

favorite scent: my mom's chocolate chip cookies, though honestly any baked good is up there

do you believe in astrology: nah, I've never put much stock in that and I'm also terrible at remembering people's birthdays so I'm sure that doesn't help.

how many playlists do you have on your music service of choice: oh gosh. uhhhh more than 10, less than 30?

sharpies or highlighters: highlighters!!! sharpies bleed through the page lol

song that makes you cry: catch me by JVKE, it just makes me Feel Things

song that makes you happy: honestly any Coldplay song :)) I have a lot of good memories overlaid with Coldplay

and finally, do you write/draw/create: yes!! I love writing AND drawing :))

no pressure tagging: @adiduck @thebahwrites @lookforanewangle @calkale @malewifebillcage @perishablealex (sorry if you've already been tagged!!)

#tag game #about me #cy speaks

[kalorphic]

Oh here's some creatures I'd like to see more of in IF/media in general!!:

1. Werewolves. They're not terribly uncommon, but unfortunately they tend to be really one dimensional in a lot of media?? They all have pretty much the same personalities and don't get the depth that some other creatures do, so I'd love for their to be more shy, nerdy, awkward, goofy, etc werewolves, rather than the typical tough, very physical, etc werewolf.

2. Dragons. I always fucking loved dragons as a kid, so anything with dragons will instantly draw my attention (early signs of being queer tbh). I'd especially love more dragons which draw on the lore of them being clever and wise and often walking amongst humans, rather than them being purely animalistic and violent.

3. Eldritch angels. Like listen, I guess pretty gentle humanlike angels are what most people picture first, but angels from any actual religious text were fucking terrifying. They were rarely even humanoid, much less able to pass for a human with wings, and they tended to be very different from humans in the way that they perceived and interacted with the world. Basically just because a creature is Good and Righteous, doesn't mean that it's in any way merciful or normal or kind.

4. Androids. This admittedly comes out of the fact that Data from Star Trek was my first big fictional crush. Also they're a really compelling way to explore humanity and the boundaries of what makes someone a person.

5. Aliens and specifically very non human ones. I don't mind in live action productions when aliens end up looking like humans painted blue or whatever because I get that that's a budget thing, but when you're writing I think you should absolutely get wild with what aliens look like. Also more aliens that actually act like it please?? Like there's absolutely no reason that a species that evolved on a completely different planet would have the same social norms, political systems, moral beliefs, gender binary, etc as modern White Western human beings when not even all humans share those norms, so it just comes off as annoying and ridiculous that pretty much all aliens in fiction are pretty close to how the average modern White American or British person would think and behave.

Sorry for my Big Speech on all of this stuff, I just have A Lot of feelings about this!! Thanks for opening up this question for people!!

That’s okay! I love opening up questions for everyone, it’s great to see everyone’s opinions and ideas and it’s fun to interact with people! 🤍

I honestly don’t think I can add much here though lol! But I’ll try:

I actually love when you have shy, nerdy, awkward characters who are tall and muscular/heavily built and add that in with them being a really sweet werewolf characters who just wants a hug…yeah.

I remember reading something when I was younger about a benevolent and wise dragon with a great sense of humour who befriended the protagonists and they went on adventures together and I can’t remember what it was called :( but I would love to see some dragons characters like that.

The concept art for eldritch angels are stunning!! I get why people don’t really use them as ROs lol, but they could be utilised as NPC’s a lot more (scary eldritch angels as mentors/guardians/messengers who not hesitate to destroy you or others if needed).

Data (but like Lore as well 👀)!! I loved him so much, his mannerisms and confusion about humans really made him a great character. But yes, I agree!

There really isn’t much at all I can add here, but yes, yes, yes!! Please I would absolutely love to see people’s imaginations just go completely wild with alien designs and cultures and personalities. Especially with the creativity in the IF community!

#ask #creature suggestions #kalorphic question time

[harriertail]

This may be a weird question but bear with me. I follow a lot of artists, while some of them are older than me (+23) most are younger. Most of them also go to school or college or more. I'm incredibly busy all the time and I'm sure a lot of these people are too, yet they post art super fast! You too! Even though you don't post art every day you still post art on a monthly or weekly basis. It takes me literal years to finish one single image. How do you do it? Your artstyle is so complex and detailed, you do backgrounds too, how do you find the time to draw?

How do i find time? I dont do my uni work. Everyone jokes about work/social balance but im a terrible student and will prioritise my hobbies. Everything else takes a break. Whenever im at home im drawing tbh, especially this summer. I rarely do my uni work unless its exam season and i Have to so i just have time. When it comes to actually Drawing and the process… weirdly i was thinking about this the other day. I rarely start and finish a piece (unless its a comm lol) in the same day or even week and its frustrating so i feel u there. Recently ive been trying to finish pieces more quickly from first sketch to finished piece (after abel, little storm comic coming soon) but my avos covers and the clantober stuff and stuff on my main has been MONTHS in the making. I got wips dating back to 2019. Im super badly focused when drawing as well like ill jump between tabs but ive found that setting like goals in my notes app (to do lists) and only have one piece open at a time helps me (i usually have 10 pieces open that ill aim to get done and surprise nothing gets done). I also work really well when im hammered so if i get back around 2 ill draw till sunrise but thats not ideal if u have uni or work. //// I suppose my main advice is only have one thing open/working on, music or asmr or smth to help you focus, and being motivated by my own need to post content and get those fucking notes ngl. Sometimes if my heads really not in it ill go for a walk or run to clear my head before i sit down to draw. Discipline. Its like the gym, sometimes u have to drag urself. Sorry if thats the unpopular opinion but if you want something done its gotta get done!

#no joke im super antisocial at home lol. im always out on town so when im home i wanna be drawing lol #but im trying to drink less now so more art i hope #hey anon if ud like… u cud dm me… and we could encourage each other to share ideas and work…. #i know arts a hobby but at the end of the day sometimes u just gotta kick urself into finishing pieces #even if ur not posting them!! id like to clarify!!! #i know some people r really into the whole uwu take breaks dont rush urself which js calm but #but the hole in the floor wont mend itself unless you go get the floorboards. you get? #and i dont work quick i just. post regularly i guess #but thank u anon! i hope this can help u in some way #i dont think thr schizophrenic with an alcohol problem is the best person to ask about healthy work routines

[trisynine]

When did you start making music and art? And do you have any tips for making music and art? I’m not that good at doing both of those things and i wanna improve some more and i was wondering if you could give me some advice, if not that’s fine too, ALSO, i wanna make fanart of your characters but i don’t have any place to share it on because i only have like one social media app but i don’t think you’re on there :((( sorry for making this so long btw....

No worries I probably made my answer way too long lmao. Lots of text again. Click the read more thing for all my terrible tips. As for the fanart, you can maybe link it to me via asks on here, or you can give me your Discord if you have one. I'd love to see what you do, I love getting art from others it makes me really happy 💜

Ok so uhhh ART. I've been drawing for as long as I can remember (yes, cliché). I think I started taking it more seriously when I got a drawing tablet, so 2013 or 2014? I can't remember. Some advice I can give is not to focus on every single pixel, unless you're doing pixel art. I made that mistake when I was younger; nobody is going to see 1 pixel not filled in on a 3000px canvas, it's a waste of time to bother. Focus on simple shapes first then the complex shapes when sketching and try not to do chicken-scratches, try to make continuous lines as much as possible. Here's sketches from 2016 (first) and a sketch from 2022 (second). Just looks cleaner, more dynamic and less clunky. Try practicing that when sketching, it's helped me.

Experiment a lot, don't focus on one thing over and over to avoid sameness across drawings, like the same pose or faces. Like I said in a previous ask, study everything around you and the art you see, even when not actively drawing. I have so many references downloaded and things that are aesthetically pleasing or art that I really like. That helps too with inspiration and learning how to do stuff. Another thing that's helped me a lot is doing foreshortening like this, it's a simple technique and I do it a lot. And then all the things you've probably heard 1000 times, study anatomy and color theory and all that boring CRAP. Ok now the MUSIC. I started making music in 2015 (maybe before that if you count Mario Paint Composer lololol). Study MIXING and MASTERING as soon as possible. I never really did that until recently and I get mad at myself that I still can't do it well and think I'm an idiot. I can compose ok, my sound design is sexy, but my mastering is actual dogshit because I didn't learn it early and I've been struggling with it. The technical aspects of music making trip me up so much and I thought it would be okay to not bother looking into it. Learn dat shitttt cuz I didn't and I'm paying for it. It's not all about the composing. I also listen to all kinds of music all day and I try to study everything within the music, like all the instruments and sounds and how they're placed together. Even music I know I don't really like, I can listen to it and appreciate it in another way. Uhh put a limiter on your master track, especially when experimenting with shit. Be mindful of your volume, don't blow ya fucken ears out, take care of your hearing. Experiment with stuff a lot, don't be afraid to learn how to use new things and play around with them. I don't have a lot of tips when it comes to making music lol.

I hope these help somewhat, even if sorta generic. I'm not good at advice and these are just things that have helped me or I wish I knew earlier.

#trisyask

[imaginethreehouses]

Hi! I saw that your matchups were open so I hope you don’t mind doing mine for male characters (one of each house? If you only do one per request, then just one in general in fine!) I use she/her pronouns! I have rose pink hair reaching to my mid-back and drown brown hair. I stand at 5ft and am left handed. I’m a Sun Capricorn, Moon Virgo, Rising Leo and an ISTP.

Most people think I’m quiet and polite upon first impressions, so they tend to be surprised when I’m with my friends and Im here bullying and gaslighting the living shit out of them. I’m told that I’m a blunt person, not in the mean way, but just speaking the truth when a person is in trouble and needs to see reality kind, apparently. I’m a very sarcastic person and am definitely a bad influence. I don’t tend to talk about myself much. I’m really bad at giving compliments and don’t tend to stress much. I don’t like seeming week or stupid, so I tend to act like a know-it-all as I try to hide my flaws, tho it has gotten to the point where a friend asked if I’ve ever cried once in my life which really hurt.

Anyway lol, I was a music oriented person, having played the piano mainly for over 12 years, violin, and guitar but it was never a passion of mine so I kinda dropped it. I love writing, drawing, and playing mostly JRPG games. I eat a lot lol, but I guess it’s better to describe it as I only get full when eating too much of one food since I get tired of it, and am a fast eater. I also have the humor of a 10-year-old boy with plenty of Your Mom and That’s what she said jokes.

Hey!! Sure, you can request one of each house, it's no problem! It actually makes it easier for me in a way because I'm always worried the people I write for will hate the match I pick? 😅 Now I have three tries. Also, I hope you mean bullying/gaslighting your friends in a figurative/exaggerated sense? I'm autistic and pushing 30 so I'm not always sure what younger people mean these days when they say these things LOL. Anyway! I hope you like the matches 🥰

From the Blue Lions, I match you with... Sylvain! ❤

Look no further. He's the one who'd be laughing his ass off at a "that's what she said" joke in the middle of a war council meeting.

Sylvain needs someone to be blunt with him and tell him how things are once in a while. Pretty frequently, actually. All the time, maybe, even.

He's often taken for someone with no feelings because of the way he acts, so he would get really angry if he sees someone do the same to you.

Sylvain would be the biggest fan of your writing, he would go as far as to draw terrible quality fanart of it.

If video games existed in Fódlan you can bet Sylvain would spend at least 3 hours a day gaming.

He's got his issues but I think the two of you could eventually fit together nicely!

From the Black Eagles, I match you with.... Caspar! ❤

I think he'd be another fellow 'fine' humor enjoyer and chaos wrecker 🤭

He'd support you so much in dropping what wasn't making you happy and going for what you really enjoy!

He'd think you're not that interesting upon first impression, then be delighted to learn what you truly are like when he sees you around your friends.

He might not really get your sarcasm sometimes and just get things comically wrong as a result. Feel free to either have mercy or mercilessly tease.

From the Golden Deer house, I match you with... Claude! ❤

Sorry, I think this pretty much completes the holy trinity of the "that's what she said" kind of humor fe3h guys 🤭

I think Claude would also enjoy gaming a lot. He is also a musical person though, so he would bug you endlessly when he inevitably decides that he wants to learn to play violin and piano.

Despite all his dreams and the complicated politics he's involved with, at heart he's a guy who loves to play jokes and tease. You'd fit together quite nicely!

This is completely unrelated to any of what you said but I think Claude is pretty much the best cuddler in the whole game. I can't explain it but IDK look at that gif up there, he looks so soft? 🥺

Bonus friendship match! From the Church of Seiros: Catherine!

#fe3h matches

[ragingextrovert]

Hey guys so I'm unravelling. I have craved death for some time now.

This week, I have been researching how to kill myself. The information that I have found online has been useless. I keep thinking about ending it all because I just don't care to do anything anymore. Being happy is hard. Getting out of bed is hard. MOTIVATING MYSELF is hard. And ultimately, completing suicide will also be hard.

Death seems to be behind a lot of "paywalls": the pain of actually going through with it. I think that I am going to do it today though. I am tired of getting up every day. I am tired of trying. I am tired of feeling bad about the decisions that I make. I am tired of feeling bad about myself. I want to be lazy (?) and comfortable. Therefore, I want my life to end.

My plan to end it all is simple: electrocution.

I'm going to make a bath.

Next, I'm going to run a few extension cords from one of the bedrooms into the bathroom.

Then, I'm going to plug in the toaster.

I'm going to set the toaster on the edge of the bathtub so that it can easily slip in.

I'm going to think for a long time about what I am doing. I might even contemplate wanting to survive... But I am tired of trying every single day. That will be my motivation for continuing through with my plan.

I might submerge my head in the water and 'accidentally' knock over the conveniently placed toaster.

Experience the shock of my life/death and hope that the electricity is more than enough to kill me.

Seven is a lucky number. I can go through with this... I can do this... I'm going to start with the extension cords, getting a toaster, and drawing a bath. I can do those three things. (The time is 8:16am. Goodbye cruel world lol)

8:21am - I have three extension cords running from my room into the bathroom and the tub filling with water as I type this. Next, I'm going to make myself a little meal because I'm hungry. Maybe

8:35am - My younger brother came up the steps to get ready for work... I had to lie and say that I was trying to clean the bathtub... I turned the water off and awkwardly raveled the cords back into my room... It's okay. I can and will just get rid of myself once he leaves the house for work... I am sorry for whoever finds my body once I'm finished...

Thank you Kassandra Britt for telling me to kill myself all those years ago in high school. I think I will finally take you up on your directive. Thank you friends for being the best worst influences on me that a guy could ask for. Unironically, you were all great to know and fuck around with. To the asshole who broke my heart, Cristian David [Unknown Last Name] fuck you but I also do still love you... I didn't realize that I loved you but I actually did... How foolish of me to fall in love with a person who explicitly told me not to fall in love with them.

To my mom, I can't hear your tears but I can feel your prayers, your wishes and struggle for a better future. If I could give you my entire world, I would because you have been a light in my life that I could not extinguish even when my dreariness felt like a contagious plague.

To my father, you were both a good father and you were also a fuck up. I guess the apple does not fall too far from the tree.

To my sister, I wish I could have know you better. I don't know why. I guess I wanted to experience joy, laughter, and fun things with you as well as hardship like siblings do... But I can't now so take care.

Brandon, I can't say or do anything enough to express my gratitude and also distain for getting to grow up with you. Coolest younger brother a guy could ask for honestly... Even though you were kinda terrible... A lot lol

I can't say it enough. I love(d) you all with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength... I just don't have any left for myself...

If God were real, I would ask him to give me more love, life, care, grace, beauty, and idk goodness... I can't get through this life anymore. I wish I could have continued to believe in you because then maybe I could have asked you to carry me through all of this. Maybe I could have believed the best. Maybe I could

8:52am - Brandon just got out of the shower.

8:56am - I just reread everything that I wrote to everyone and it feels good...

I am eating cinnamon waffles. I guess this will be my last supper. I'm going to leave behind my favorite ice cream and that will probably be saddening... I'm already miss this place but I've got to go. Just like the guy in the Bible that was taken up by a wind storm, I too am going to... fucking die lol

To anyone else that I didn't mention before, Good Luck.

9:48am - I am simultaneously being lazy and preserving my own life... I watched some YouTube videos but there's nothing left to watch so I think I'm going to go die soon.

11:26am - I was being lazy but I got everything prepared. The bathtub is full, the extension cords are plugged in, the toaster is in the bathroom... *sigh* Now I've just got to put the toaster on the side of the tub and "clumsily" stick my head in the water...

As time goes by and as I write this, I am thinking about my future all of a sudden... Like, all the years that I'm going to miss... I have found some pretty incredible things so far in this life... i don't want to say the word but I think that I think that I will regret this choice.

I looked up at my plan and it is as I foretold: I am contemplating life and the choice that I am going to make soon... I guess it's scary but it's also kind of easy...

I have been so handsome, so cool and kind of stylish (if I do say so myself ;]). So thankful and so good. I have been trying to be a good boy for so fucking long.

11:54am

#idk what the future holds for me #i gotta make a decision fast bc like wtf. time is ticking pussy #people will come home soon #sui

[mythical-cupcake]

So I think it’s been what 5 years since I’ve last drawn @neonthebright ’s character bowman? She’s always been one of my favorite writers and I wanted to throw something special her way. So, here’s my drawing from 2012 and my one from today, 5 years later.

#bowman leafwing #neon you're wonderful #thanks for writing such great stuff all these years #sorry for my terrible drawing when I was younger lol #I didn't give him a right ear or left arm #and I made him SUPER WHITE #cringe #I was so proud of it at the time too haha #but yeah #thanks for being so awesome #my art #dev says stuff #my-art

[luvring]

Felix thinks his hair has become too long so he decides to cut it just a little bit, but things go wrong and he cuts it too short, really really short. I want his reaction, Rime's reaction (he is back with the group idc we changed him lol) and mc's👀 Maybe at the end mc fixes his hairstyle (felix with an undercut >>>)

— felix accidentally cutting his hair too short

i dont think/know if felix could pull off jay's undercut from windbreaker but i just want to say i haven't even read windbreaker and i would risk it all for him. if jay asked me to play in traffic i'd do it just for a chance with him

tfw you cut a little too short and you say you'll fix it by cutting everything else and it just keeps getting worse

felix stares at himself and tries to plan how he's going to hide this from everyone, especially mc and rime, not realizing mc had already walked in looking for him

"felix, are you in—oh." "mc! wh-what are you doing here i—please stop looking at me like that"

y'know that look on your face when you're trying not to smile or laugh and failing miserably. "trying out a new look?" "spare me."

when mc tries to reassure him that it isn't that bad, whether they're being honest or not, felix just keeps pouting and covers his face with his hands

"i look the same as i did years ago. dreadful."

the fact that this is literally what every man does on purpose. i couldn't even help him here like

"does it look as terrible as i think?" "you definitely...did something guys from earth would do?" "well, that tone of voice isn't exactly comforting."

mc telling him they think he's cute and pretty either way and felix hiding even more because now he's flustered

he refuses to come out of his room.

extremely quick to panic because he knows he's going to get relentlessly bullied for this. the only person who's seen him is mc and he makes them promise not to snitch </3

but without knowing what, exactly, he's done,, anisa makes mc drag him out because he really can't miss this group meeting

there seems to be a new permanent pout/scowl on felix's face

and i think rime is very witty. i think he can think of multiple ways to joke about this scenario. but the first time he sees felix,, completely unexpected ??

rime just starts laughing. straight up cackling. "i didn't think you missed being a teenager this much"

he isn't in here but rime :handshake: sage > making fun of felix

"on the bright side, you look younger. maybe by 10 years but i'm sure that was the goal?"

it's okay guys i can see rime wringing the fun out of it before teasing him and saying he doesn't look horrible. something something i'm sure our beloved mc will adore you either way

Someone Get Felix Out Of There 😔

he looks down a lot and if you watch you can spot him reaching for hair longer than what he has, feeling the shortness and noticing how awkward it is

going back to his room, faceplanting into the bed, and groaning, "do you think i could wear a hat of some sort for the next few months, or maybe find a spell to make hair grow faster? surely there's something to make me invisible at will."

when mc realizes that felix is genuinely upset about it they offer to help try to fix it

"i really can't handle the thought of this getting any worse" "you can trust me, i promise" he sighs but sits in front of the mirror anyway

tangent i would have offered to cut my own hair to make him feel better but that's just me

i think it would be fun if felix had a sensitive neck. y'know when the hair falls on your neck and you brush it away. sorry. moving on

every cutting noise in his ears makes him tense up until he's accepted whatever his fate is. something something the 5 stages of grief

are we rocking with felix with an undercut?! i need someone to draw this

he definitely. isn't used to it. but he's still very grateful that mc was able to help. probably stares at the mirror for a solid 10 seconds in silence before mc gets antsy and says "i know it isn't great but it'll grow out eventually. i'm sorry if you don't love it...i guess it's pretty different from what you had before, huh?" and he gets panicky again before reassuring and thanking them

he could probably kiss them rn to be honest (he kisses them rn.)

#🛒nia.reqs #last legacy #last legacy headcanons #last legacy felix #fictif felix #fictif #felix escellun #felix iskandar escellun #if felix cuts his hair #so help me god #i will rain hellfire on this earth

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 301: All My Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: We learned that when a bunch of superpowered villains are suddenly set loose with nobody around to stop them, things get fucked pretty quickly. Old Man Samurai and a bunch of other useless people decided to make “I pretend I do not see it” their new mantra, and resigned. Endeavor had a moment of despair on account of being crushed by the guilt of having ruined the lives of himself, his family, and basically everyone else in the entire world. For various reasons the heretical notion of “person who has done bad things feels sorry for doing them” sent fandom spiraling into a meltdown, so that was fun. The chapter ended with the entire Todoroki clan descending upon Enji’s hospital room to have a dramatic chat about Touya and All That General Fuckery.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “here’s the story of how Baby Touya slowly went insane trying to win his father’s love.” It’s a tale full of subverted expectations and heartbreaking inevitability, and also like twenty panels of the cutest fucking kids who ever existed on planet earth, who are so fucking cute that I can’t stop thinking about their cuteness even with all of the horrifying family tragedy unfolding around them. It is absolutely ridiculous how cute they are. Touya is out here pushing his tiny body past its limits because he inherited the same obsession as his dad and neither of them can put it aside even though it’s destroying them, and yet all I can think about is Baby Shouto’s (。･o･｡) face. Anyways what a chapter.

so I have to confess that even though I managed to avoid being caught off-guard by the early leaks, the number of people reblogging my Endeavor posts from earlier this week and using the tag “bnha 301” kind of gave me an inkling that this chapter will include more Tododrama lol. that said, I don’t know anything else about it, so we’re still good spoiler-wise

AHHHHH FLAHSBAKC AHHHH. omg I know I typoed the shit out of that, but I’m just going to leave it lol I think it’s fitting

holy shit holy fuck. so this is Rei and Enji’s first meeting, then??

yepppp, oh shit

so wait, I know this is not even the slightest bit important, but are they meeting at Enji’s home or Rei’s? because I always figured that Enji was the one with the super-Japanese aesthetic, but maybe that was Rei’s side of the family all along

(ETA: from what I found during my very brief google search, omiai meetings are often held at fancy hotels or restaurants, so maybe that’s what this is.)

there’s such a period drama feel to this setting. like it’s so outrageously formal fff how can anyone stand this kind of atmosphere though seriously

OH THANK GOD

I mean they’re still stiff af but at least they’re not rigidly sitting in seiza and staring at each other unblinkingly anymore lol. Enji’s actually got his hands in his pockets now. why is this somehow almost cute

oh damn it’s the flowers

Rei seems so subdued and it’s so hard to get any idea of what she’s actually thinking. I want to see her side of this dammit

but anyway, so at least from Enji’s perspective it seems like even though the marriage was arranged and he picked her because of her quirk, he still loved his wife and wanted to do right by her. the fact that he was watching her and noticed that she liked the flowers, and remembered that detail for all these years -- there’s a reason why Horikoshi’s showing us this. we know what’s going to happen later on; we know how much fear and violence and breaking of trust is coming up ahead, and while it may seem like this scene is serving to soften Enji’s character further -- which to be fair it is -- it also helps drive home the full impact of his abuse. that it’s so terrible not only because of the trauma of the abuse itself, but also because of the way it retroactively destroys all of the good things as well. this could have potentially been such a sweet scene, but it’s inescapably tainted by the knowledge of what’s to come, at least for me. and that’s just brutal

anyways, shit. is the whole chapter going to be like this?? feel free to toss in something I can actually make a joke about sometime, Horikoshi

oop, back to the present

omfg lol

“are you all right” “NO I’M NOT ALL RIGHT WHAT THE FUCK.” “oh, right, because of all the stuff that’s happened with me abusing you and you having a mental breakdown and being hospitalized for ten years and then our son coming back to life and killing thirty people, right, right. I almost forgot.” whoops

omfg you guys I’m loving this new and improved steely-eyed Rei. I’m loving her a lot

and what do you mean “part one” fkjds how long is this going to be. TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR ONE CHAPTER TO HANDLE

oh, hello

yeah I’ll say you did. didn’t seem to bother you much at the time, though

HMMMMMMMMMMMM

Dabi Is A Noumu intensifies even further. anyways though would you fucking look at this boy lounging on this moth-eaten couch doing his best DRAW ME LIKE YOUR FRENCH GIRLS impression wtf

Dabi what if you actually had killed him??? what would you feel?? satisfaction?? regret?? anything at all?? tell me your secrets goddammit

who are you talking to buddy

Fuyumi-chan, Natsu-kun (is it common for brothers to address each other as -kun?? can’t recall seeing that in many other anime, but hey), and “dot dot dot,,,,,, SHOUTO” lol thank you so much for this bountiful heaping of Tododrama Horikoshi we are blessed

AH, WHAT DID I SAY THE OTHER DAY

ULTIMATE MELODRAMATIC THEATER CHILD. “I’M JUST GOING TO LIE ON THIS COUCH SHIRTLESS AND ALONE AND MAKE SPEECHES TO MY FAMILY MEMBERS WHO AREN’T THERE AND SAY THINGS LIKE ‘WATCH ME IN THE PITS OF HELL’ WITH A STRAIGHT FACE BECAUSE NO ONE’S THERE TO JUDGE ME.” WELL JOKE’S ON YOU MISTER CHATTERBOX BECAUSE I AM IN FACT JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU LOL

(ETA: and on a more serious note, it’s interesting to see that “look at me”/”watch me” theme being used again though, because we see that same sentiment uttered repeatedly by the younger Touya in the flashback. well kid, you definitely got your wish at last. don’t know what else to say.)

OKAY HORIKOSHI HAS DECIDED THAT’S ENOUGH FUN, TIME FOR MORE FLASHBACKS

oh my sweet precious lord

just as cute as we left him. giving us a child this cute when we all know full well what’s going to happen to him is just unspeakably cruel though

HOMG

I’m fucking speechless. you broke me, congratulations. what am I even supposed to do with this

I can’t get over this. moving forward my life will be split into two distinct parts, B.P. (Before the Pout) and A.P. (After the Pout)

and meanwhile there’s ALL THIS BACKGROUND ANGST BUILDING UP, AND I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON IT. Touya’s arm and cheek are covered in bandages (I’m guessing this is shortly after that “ouch!” panel we got some chapters back), and Enji is deliberately avoiding training with him because he doesn’t want him to hurt himself further. I can’t fucking get over the irony that all this time everyone thought Touya had died because Enji pushed him too far in his training, and it turns out that it’s the opposite -- the tragedy ultimately happened because he didn’t want to push him. but I’m jumping ahead of myself though I guess

by the way,

remember this?? just wanted to remind you that it exists just in case you forgot

so now someone is talking and basically saying that Touya is the exact opposite of what Enji was hoping for when he decided to start playing with quirk genetics

-- okay hold up

...lol no, never mind. for a second I thought “holy shit he looks kind of familiar WHAT IF IT’S UJIKO OMG” before I remembered that Enji would have recognized him during the hospital capture mission if that was the case. so NEVER MIND, PROCEED

IMAGINE THAT, ENJI DOESN’T QUITE SEEM SATISFIED WITH THIS SUGGESTION OF QUITTING NOW

(ETA: how the fuck did this man go around saving 62 towns in a single day what even is All Might.)

[clicks tongue several times] trouble a’brewin’

MEANWHILE BABY TOUYA HAS UNFORTUNATELY INHERITED HIS DAD’S STUBBORN STREAK

KLDIHWOEIJFL:KSDJ

!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god. oh my god. what is this chapter. WHAT IS IT

so now Touya is all “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY MANLY DESIRE TO BURN MYSELF ALIVE” well you got her there champ

THEY’RE TOO CUTE. OH MY GOD. HIS FURIOUS LITTLE TEARS. HER CHUBBY LIL FACE. HIS STUBBY LIL FISTS. SOMEONE HELP ME

also are they just home alone lol or what. “hey Touya, you’re what, like six now?? do us a favor and look after your baby sister for a couple hours for us would you? make sure not to set yourself on fire or anything.” WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!!

now it’s nighttime and Enji and Rei are arguing, presumably about his decision not to train Touya anymore

whew. okay. so, a couple of things here

1. first of all I think this conclusively shows that Enji really was trying to do the best he could for Touya. he stopped training him as soon as he realized it was hurting him, but Touya was still determined so he tried to make it work anyway, and even visited doctors to try and figure out if there was anything they could do. then, once they were absolutely sure that it wasn’t going to work, he tried multiple times to explain to Touya why they had to stop. he didn’t just abandon him out of the blue, which is really important to note. “no matter how much I tried telling him...”

so yeah, that debunks another common fandom accusation. so by the time he finally makes this decision, which we all know is going to turn out horribly, it’s basically because he’s already tried everything else he could think of. which, by the way, still doesn’t mean he handled this right. but at the very least he was taking Touya’s feelings into account and he was trying, and he didn’t just abruptly toss his son aside (at least not yet)

2. buuuut, then there’s this panel right below all that

which is the other side of it. if he’d just quit like the doctor person advised him to, that would have been the end of it. Touya would still have been upset, but he would have eventually gotten over it and the family would have moved on and possibly even been happy. but what happens next happens because Enji can’t let go. he still has this maddening urge to surpass All Might, and so he and Rei keep having more children, and then Shouto is born, and Enji finally has a kid he can start projecting all of his hysterical ambitions onto once again, and everything starts spiraling out of control soon after

though p.s. none of that is Shouto’s fault though!! he’s one of the few good things to come out of this whole mess and I’m very happy that he exists. the tragedy is that his dad fucking lost his mind over his quirk and fucked everything up. but that’s on him, not Touya or Shouto

anyways, SLKFJLSHGLKJL

I CAN’T FUCKING TAKE THIS YOU GUYS??? LOOK AT THAT LIL BUTTON OF A NOSE??? I’M LOSING IT HERE???

AND TOUYA JUST SEEMS DEVASTATED OMG

because children aren’t stupid, after all. he understands that his dad is still looking to surpass All Might. and so he feels like a failure, and feels like his dad is trying to replace him because he wasn’t good enough. and even now, isn’t that what the adult Touya is trying to prove?? that he was good enough after all?? “I’ll show you what happens when you give up on me, dad”?? “I’ll show you what I can do”?? fuck my life fuck everything

AND YOU CAN SEE THE TOLL THAT IT’S ALL TAKING ON REI GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AS WELL OH GOD

really nice touch here with the panel outlines becoming all shimmery from the heat of Endeavor’s flames (and/or becoming more unstable as the family gets closer and closer to their breaking point). but man, Horikoshi I can’t handle this, please show us more cute kids or something I can’t

GKELKWFJLDKSHFLKL

WITTLE BABE. BEEB. BUBS. SMOL. lkj; oh ouch a piece of my heart just detached and latched onto him huh look at that

TODOROKI “I’M SO SMALL AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON AND I DIDN’T ASK TO BE HERE” SHOUTO AHHHHH

crazy how they all just seem to know right off the bat lol. kid doesn’t even have object permanence yet, let alone a quirk. but do they care?? IT’S THE HAIR, RIGHT. WE’RE ALL THINKING IT, I’M JUST GONNA COME OUT AND SAY IT. they knew the minute they looked at him lol

AND MEANWHILE TOUYA IS OFF HAVING UNSUPERVISED TRAINING/CRYING SESSIONS IN THE MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER, AND, UH OH

are those blue flames yet?? they seem pretty close

(ETA: this is one of the few cases where the manga being in black and white is infuriating lol.)

OH MY GOD AND STILL

so it’s not like he was so disinterested that he didn’t notice what was happening, and he was still trying to stop it and get through to him. trying to reassure him that it wasn’t the end of the world and there were other things he could do with his life, but this one particular thing just wasn’t going to happen

fucking hell. it’s agonizing seeing how close they actually were to fixing it. if he’d only said the right words, or if he’d realized at this point how destructive his obsession could be to his kids, and backed off from putting that same pressure on Shouto. we came so close to possibly having a happy ending

AND ALSO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING BUT PLEASE LOOK AT HOW TOUYA IS LIKE THREE AND A HALF FEET TALL AND HIS DAD IS LIKE NINE AND A HALF FEET. Touya barely comes past his knees flkjlkg. the Todoroki household must have been so filled with like plastic stepstools to reach the bathroom sink and all the little baby toothbrushes, and baby gates to keep the kiddos out of the important grown-up rooms and stuff. and also days-old half-empty cups of water and stale crackers and hot wheels and my little ponies strewn everywhere

“BUT EVERYONE AT SCHOOL SAYS THEY’RE GONNA BE HEROES” a wild Deku parallel appears?? how bout that

I know this is like a pivotal moment in the Todo Tragedy and all, but fucking look at this lil dumpling

“sup bro, it’s me, the manifestation of your fears of inadequacy and lack of fatherly affections. a GAAA. ba-baAA-baa [gurgling baby sounds]”

OHHHHH IT’S THE SOUND OF MY HEART BREAKING OH NO

HE WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ENJI. good lord somebody please just get this family some therapy

“DAD YOU IGNITED IT IN ME” flkjslkj nope, nope. not ready for this pain here

baby Shouto, would you like to weigh in on this affair? “DA!! ba-ga-daaa, [pacifier chewing noises]” oh my, you don’t say. so insightful for one so young

OH MY GODDDDDD

IT’S SO DRAMATIC BUT ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE THE SHOUNEN WOOSH LINES SURROUNDING FOUR-MONTH-OLD SHOUTO LOL HE WAS LIKE THIS FROM BIRTH OH MY GOD I AM DYING HELP

SHOUTO YOU’RE RUINING THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER!?!?!

“yo, the fuck kind of family was I fucking born into” oh, son. if you only knew. IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!

(ETA: lmao I got so distracted by the ridiculous cuteness that I glossed over the fact that Baby Touya seems to possibly be aiming at him?? it’s hard to tell because he’s also super out of it from heatstroke and may just be losing control in his attempt to show off his upgrade.)

ANYWAY THAT’S THE END EXCEPT WHAT’S THIS LAST LINE OMG

ffffff. and we’re in for ANOTHER chapter of this next week?? MORE drama?? MORE BABIES?? MORE OF EIGHT-YEAR-OLD TOUYA’S SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS. MY HEART CAN’T TAKE IT, BUT ALSO YES PLEASE SIGN ME UP

#bnha 301 #dabi #todoroki touya #endeavor #todoroki enji #todoroki rei #todoroki shouto #todoroki fuyumi #todoroki natsuo #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha