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dandelionflower · 3 years

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She sings alone

When they got to the room, Adrien was sitting at an enormous piano, playing a jaunty tune and bouncing in his seat. He wasn’t even looking at the keys, his eyes roaming the room and choosing to stick on-

Lila.

Oh.

Okay, maybe he hadn’t seen her come in. After all, the piano was really big, so even if Adrien was looking directly at the door, he might not have seen them come in.

Lila danced around the room, orange skirt warping around her legs as she spun near to Alya and pulled her deeper into the spacious closet, taking one of her hands and joining it with Nino, leading the pair in a quick-paced dance until she was satisfied that they would carry it on without her.

Adrien’s eyes stayed on her, closing slightly as he allowed for a fond smile.

Okay, okay fine. That was fine. Adrien was allowed to watch his friends! Even if his friend was (ugh) Lila. Marinette drifted further into the room, keeping to the walls as other friends mimicked Alya and Nino’s lively movements.

Finally, (finally!) Adrien’s eyes caught hers and he gave her a cocky wink as the song he was playing changed bit by bit until it was the accompaniment to her favorite pop song; one they had sung together on their way back from their first date.

Marinette’s lips turned up in a fond smile (she really couldn’t resist those green eyes, huh?) as she took a deep breath and-

“Living in my own world...” Lila hummed out the starting notes, approaching the piano with a coy smile, like Adrien was doing this for her. “Didn’t understand…”

Marinette dug her fingernails into the heel of her hand. This was fine. This was fine. Nothing wrong with a couple of friends singing a song together! Even if it happens to be one of the friends’ girlfriend’s favorite.

Lila hopped up on top of the piano, turning her waist so that while her knees faced one of the walls, her torso was pointed directly towards Adrien, so Marinette wasn’t even able to see what sort of expressions she was making.

...not that she needed to. Because she wasn’t. No one liked a jealous girlfriend, and anyway, Adrien knew Lila was a liar! So there’s no way he could be interested.

Lila leaned forwards, recapturing Adrien’s attention from the keys and forcing it back to her face. Adrien tensed in surprise, but seemed to relax even more than he previously was once his eyes landed back on Lila’s face.

Aaaaaand that was that. She needed to step out for a second.

Marinette pushed off of the wall and began traversing through the dancing pairs, eyes on the doorway. She had only made it halfway when Alix grabbed her and began leading her in an odd dance of her own.

“My usual partners are a bit occupied.” She quipped, jerking her head towards Kim, who was trying fruitlessly to get Chloe to join him on the floor. Nathaniel and Max had their own partners as well, though Sabrina and Marc seemed a bit more acquiessing than Kim’s intended. “Thought since you weren’t dancing, you’d like to join me.”

Marinette remembered all the times Alix had protested cancelling or even postponing class dances due to scheduling. During Bubbler, Alix almost seemed disappointed for the party to be over. Even though she never claimed to be as formal as her father, it was clear that she loved dancing in a crowd with only another person as her anchor in the waves of people.

She put on an encouraging smile, not looking at whatever scene was happening by the piano. Alix was her friend, and if she wanted to be dancing, they would dance.

“Sure thing. Thanks for thinking of me.” Marinette could focus on this, just this, until the song was over and she could go, or, even better, join Adrien by the piano.

It wasn’t a problem, until at the end of the song, Adrien’s voice harmonized with Lila’s in a chord that was so beautiful, it shattered her heart in more ways than one. Alix spun Marinette and between rotations she saw how close the two were, and how excited Adrien seemed. She caught her in a dip and Adrien pressed the keys in the final note, everyone separating from their partners to applaud the musical duo.

“That was great, you guys!” Nino placed a hand on both of their shoulders. “A match made in heaven!” His eyes caught Marinette’s and he amended his statement. “A professional match made in business heaven?”

Lila laughed and gave a mock bow. “Thanks, Nino. I wasn’t really planning on singing; after the rock slide accident where I had to call for help in the freezing cold for hours, I didn’t think my vocal cords would be up to it, but when I heard my favorite song start playing, I guess it was just instinct.” She shrugged in a gesture of humility that was about as real as the rest of her.

“Well, your instincts were great.” Adrien commented, standing up from the piano bench and giving her one of his wholesome smiles. “I really enjoyed playing with you.”

“Likewise.” Lila smiled back until her gaze wandered to Marinette. (Of course, everyone but her boyfriend was looking at Marinette (nope, no not bitter at all)) “Oh, Marinette! You’re still doing the costumes right?”

Marinette nodded, once, teeth grit into a smile.

“I found the most beautiful dress,” she spun to a box that was sitting by the wall, picking it up to bring it to Marinette and show her the red silk inside, “and I’d really love it if you’d modify it for me?” She tilted her head forwards and gave Marinette pitiful eyes. As if she didn’t already know Marinette couldn’t say no in front of everyone.

“Of course. I’d just need your measurements and what you want me to do with the dress.” She could be a ventriloquist with how little she was moving her mouth.

“Great!” She pulled out the bottom of the dress, showing off a familiar skirt. It was the dress from the picture. “I’d really like it if you could make it more form-fitting, less poofy, you know?”

“Don’t you think we should ask if we can modify these dresses before we make any decisions?” Please don’t make me ruin such an incredible dress. “Technically, they are historical artifacts.”

“Grace said you could redesign the costumes, right?” Alya tapped at her phone and pulled up a recording she had made.

“Your main job will be refitting and redesigning all the costumes for your friends.” Grace’s digitized voice affirmed Lila’s request.

“That settles it then,” at least one of her teeth must have cracked by now, right? “I’ll just get your measurements and edit the skirt. I’ll need to do it some other time, since I don’t have my-”

“Measuring tape?” Lila whipped out a stylized tape from the box. It was rose gold and was almost calling to her. “I found this near the dress. I’m sure it will work.”

Marinette took the device reverently, running her thumb over the engraved vines on the sides before catching herself and looking up.

“That’ll work. Can you hold your arms out?”

Marinette took Lila’s measurements with a practice ease, and rechecked before typing her numbers and desired modifications into a document on her phone. When she looked up, she was surrounded by boxes and her friends, looking at her with hopeful eyes, as well as a stack of suits of each boy, none of whom seemed to care.

“Okay, what do you want changed? I already have your measurements.” She knelt down and sat beside Lila’s box, letting her friends come to her. This was her favorite part about designing; giving people what they wanted and making them look however they liked.

Rose and Alix both wanted the fabrics from their dresses converted into suits. That was easy enough. Alya found a sweet orange dress that she just needed refitted. Juleka muttered something about “less wide, but still swishy.” Mylene wanted the opposite; to give her dress a larger diameter.

All in all, Lila’s would probably take the longest, because she wanted all the complexities of the intricate gown to be stripped off and for the silk to be repurposed as a cocktail dress.

Marinette nodded to herself and began stacking boxes, looking up at her friends who were still standing awkwardly nearby.

“Guys, these are way too many boxes for one person to carry; let’s each grab a box and take them to Marinette’s room!” Lila chirped, leaning down to pick up her dress, the hem of it dragging on the grimy closet floor.

Everyone murmured an agreement and picked up their respective costumes, filing out the door. Marinette was the last one out, but just as she was about to step out, she found herself face-to-face with Lila.

“You haven’t found your dress yet, have you Marinette?” Her voice was saccharine sweet, but with the masked loathing that Marinette found herself recognizing whenever Lila spoke to her. “Why don’t you spend more time in the closets?”

Before she could realize what was happening, the closet door had slammed in her face and clicked with what Marinette was certain was a lock.

“Oh no, Marinette!” She heard Lila’s muffled ‘concern’ through the door.

“What happened?” Alya’s voice grew louder as she approached the door, or, more likely, Lila.

“Marinette stopped to tie her shoe and I must have bumped the door closed by accident. I feel so guilty.” Sure, and the tears Lila was crying right now weren’t crocodiles.

“It’s fine girl,” Alya reassured her (no, it wasn’t fine!), “I’m sure Marinette will forgive you. Here, give me your box; I’ll take it upstairs while you go find someone who can get her out.”

“Right.” The sound of receding footsteps; they must have left. “Just as soon as I have a chat with one mister Agreste.” ...or not. There was a cheery ring of the phone, and Lila’s smug tone melted into something more pathetic. “Adrien! Come back downstairs, quick! I’ll meet you at the front desk.” Lila chuckled and left with a single knock at the closet door.

...Great. She was stuck. Through sheer habit from akuma attacks, Marinette traced all four walls with a finger, looking for another secret passage, or even a normal one at this point. Nothing, because of course when she’s comfortable she finds a random exit, but not when she actually needs it.

She groaned and fell back against the wall, sliding to the ground and tilting her head back so she could close her eyes and pretend she wasn’t actually in this situation.

The people I’m closest to either don’t know what’s going on or think it’s handled. She thought morosely. So I might as well get comfortable.

Just as she was about to let herself take a little cat nap (she could hear Chat Noir snickering now), she heard a trill come from the piano. Her eyes cracked open and slid to the corner of the room with the instrument, thinking that maybe one of her friends stayed behind.

But no one was there.

Marinette’s curiosity won out and she approached the keys. They pressed down in a few familiar chords; another one of her favorite songs. She wasn’t really sure how self-playing pianos worked, but it must have been ‘programmed’ with some of the more recent pop songs, despite the fact that the room looked like it had been untouched for years, aside from their recent discovery of it.

Shrugging, she sat down at the bench, watching as the keys continued playing the introduction to her second favorite song. She had nothing better to do, why not?

“I’ve got a lot of things I have to do… All these distractions, our future’s coming soon…”

She sang through the entire song, leaning to her left side occasionally, like some other person was sitting beside her; someone that hadn’t left. Marinette closed her eyes and adopted the illusion of company. Blond hair, beautiful eyes, a teasing grin- no a half-smile, like he’s hiding how much he’s enjoying this. Even though he knows she knows he loves it, just like she does.

Just like she loves him. Her grumpy dork. Her Fe-

There was a clatter near the door, and it crumpled, revealing Allegra, leg out in front of her like she had just kicked it down. Which she probably had.

“Marinette? Lost again?” Her laugh seemed shaken, nervous. She had expected to see someone else.

“Something like that.” She matched the laugh; Allegra’s business was her business. Not Marinette’s.

“Well, come on out.” She gestured over her shoulder. “Your friends are looking for you.”

They walked together out of the ballroom and into the main entrance of the building, where Alix and Kim accosted her immediately.

“Marinette! We need your help. Nino’s gone missing?”

“Grace!” Allegra barrelled into the room like a tornado. “He’s here! He’s manifesting.”

Her clipboard clattered to the floor as Grace’s knees buckled. “What? What are you talking about?”

“Felix! He’s here.”

Grace sighed. “Felix is an apparition, ‘Legra. Barely even a poltergeist. He has a mild presence, but there’s no way you could have actually seen him.”

“Oh yeah?” Allegra whipped her head at her, flames in her eyes. “Earlier today, I found Marinette in the hall of portraits. She said she followed a black cat through a tunnel.”

“Well- that could have been-”

“And, and just a minute ago, I heard the piano playing and singing. When I came into the closet; it was just Marinette. She thought the piano was self playing, Grace. As in, she wasn’t the one playing.”

“Felix didn’t play the piano.” Grace reminded her. “Bridge did, because-”

“Because her voice sounded like a dozen murder victims, I know.” Allegra rolled her eyes. “But it was Felix who taught her how to play. Gracie, it’s him.”

“It’s not.” Grace glared at her. “There’s no way he could be coming back so soon.”

“Fine, keep being ignorant. But I’m telling Finny, and he’ll believe me.” Allegra stormed out of the room, turning over her shoulder only once. “Oh, and it looks like Nicky has come out to play, so get ready to handle that.”

……

The rest

@merry-madness @calliopeia @drama-queen-supreme @kaydenth3gayden @mcheang @nomiegnome @never-say-donuts @vixen-uchiha @miracul0us-multishipper @hauntedfreakdeputyhero @chocolatecustarddanish @iwantswifttoblessmysoul @digitalmagpie @ilseofskadi @nerdy-and-a-little-birdy @minty-goose @nataladriana9 @aestheticnpoetic @constellation-king @animegirlweeb @persephonebutkore @ahalloweengirl @r0sebutch @marinettepotterandplagg @beelzzebop @akalovelymaybe @pleasefollowmeuwu @angelost4r @constancetruggle @speaknowtome @some-oxymoron @nerdy-scifi-birdy @purplesundaze @aestheticnpoetic @neptuningkai @2confused-2doanything @goggles-mcgee @grumpy-kitten-vixen @artemisdragona @lookatthestars1 @demonicbusiness @toodaloo-kangaroo @crazylittlemunchkin @vice-artist

#felinette #marinette dupain cheng #ml marinette #ml salt #ml felix #ml adrien #adrien agreste #alya cesaire #felix agreste #Felix Culpa #ml haunted mansion #haunted mansion au #yes I did use high school musical songs because I’m unorginal

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joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 3 years

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You know when a character design just, speaks to you? When you see a girl whom you instantly want to own a billion figures of and decorate your entire online persona around? Yeah.

And she’s some breed of magical girl too baby! She did this with a pen, not even an overdecorated magical girl pen or anything, just a regular pen. Fucking poggers.

So Wonder Egg Priority episode 1 made for a damn interesting and exciting time. The show certainly has a weird name and some bizarro elements at play - but I would say it felt very digestible in spite of that. Our delightful main character Ai has found herself in these dream worlds, and if she saves the people in her dream, she may be able to restore the life of her one and only best friend who uh

Had a little oopsy moment. MC’s immortal in the dreams but the injuries transfer over to real life so basically she’s not immortal at all. The one world we spend time in this episode is based on a school more than anything, though it’s made distinct by the presence of

Weird motherfuckers like this.

Already I’m kind of reminded of Flip Flappers, though with what appear to be clearer rules about how the world works, which is fine by me because hey it makes the series more accessible and easy to think about and stuff. But just this general vibe of everything being kinda unusual and the similar designs for the main characters and them feeling in some ways isolated by the world, just gives similar vibes. And I’m very vocal about adoring Flip Flappers so if I’ve not already said I’m into this show that feels like Flip Flappers. then I’m into this show that feels like Flip Flappers.

I think thematically we’re looking pretty simple, basically every theme set up this episode is just “bullying is bad, and pretending not to see bullies is also bad”. The fact that such themes have been done before doesn’t mean they can’t be done again, and this show’s presentation is so fucking strong to begin with that those themes should be elevated by it if they’re further developed. But at the same time I feel like if you have such strong and unique feeling presentation then why not go all in and cover dramatically different themes than the stuff we’ve all gotten so used to hearing by now? Of course, maybe the themes will diversify a bit once we start meeting more characters - we only just meet Tomori Kusunoki’s character at the end of the episode and don’t learn shit about her, but hey whatever her baggage is might be the first step towards covering a wider variety of things and stuff.

As I’ve said, this show’s a fucking stunner. Incredibly high quality artwork that animates in really gorgeous ways, super detailed yet adorable character designs and lots of very appealing backgrounds, it’s pretty wild to me that the funny name original anime written by a guy who’s never worked in anime is not only rivalling but outright surpassing the visuals of several hotly anticipated sequels that were already strong productions airing this season. And lots of the music so far has been pretty poggers too, plus all of these seiyuu are already kinda killing it, even beetle man who deals the exposition for us has a really charming performance. Fuckin, CloverWorks are just a poggers studio.

Yeah I mean, not sure what else to say. This show just exists in such a way that it appeals to just about everything I’m into. Wonder Egg Priority is completely my flavour of anime and honestly more than most other shows this season, I can’t wait for the second episode. This shit’s vibes as fuck.

#wonder egg priority #12.1.21 #flip flappers

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canyousonicme · 3 years

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“Certain actors have a reputation for being difficult. I don’t want to be one of those people”. - Alex Kingston

 INTERVIEW: The Sunday Post

 It comes as no surprise to Alex Kingston that her daughter has decided to follow in her footsteps, despite her best efforts to temper her acting ambitions.

The actress fell pregnant with Salome, now 19, when she was playing surgeon Elizabeth Corday on the long-running US medical drama ER in the ’90s.

Alex’s pregnancy was written into the script and Salome, whose father is German writer Florian Haertel, was just weeks old when she joined the cast as Elizabeth and Dr Mark Greene’s baby girl.

Now, two decades on, mother and daughter are working together again, this time in a Doctor Who spin-off audio drama, The Diary Of River Song. Now in its eighth series, it focuses on the Time Lord’s brilliant wife, the poetically named River Song, whom Alex has played on the TV show since 2008. Salome, meanwhile, plays the part of her synthetic humanoid companion, Rachel.

Alex said: “My daughter was in my belly on ER then played the role of our baby girl Ella Greene. She’s secretly always had the desire to act, but I was always adamant that she finished her education first.

“Salome plays a character who River Song meets up with occasionally and they have adventures together. Working with my daughter has been terrific fun. I am super-impressed with her. She is incredibly professional.”

Alex with daughter Salome

For the past year Alex and Salome have been isolating together at her London home, alongside Alex’s third husband, television producer Jonathan Stamp. The pair married in an intimate Italian ceremony in 2015, and Salome was a bridesmaid.

They are joined by Alex’s German-born mother, Margarethe, who sadly suffers from dementia. It sounds like a potentially stressful set-up but Alex has cherished the unexpected extra family time lockdown gifted her.

Alex, who celebrated her 57th birthday a few days after the first lockdown was announced last March, said: “My daughter had arrived from New York and decided she wanted to live with us. Then my mother, who has dementia, suffered two strokes early on in lockdown and she moved in as well. So I was her carer.

“It was an amazingly special time. And I cherish it. Particularly with my mother, because I wouldn’t have had that opportunity otherwise.”

Like the rest of us, Alex has relied heavily on streaming services to keep her entertained during the long days spent at home. She even broke her self-imposed rule of not watching her own stuff on screen.

She said: “We did all the usual things, massive clear-outs, and of course binge-watched TV. I loved Schitt’s Creek, Call My Agent, Bridgerton and Luther. I can’t bear to watch myself on the television. However, I started watching ER, because it was streaming on Channel 4. I look at myself and it’s like I am watching someone else. It’s such a good show, and it’s really held up!”

She added: “As much as everyone is saying this is the year that they want to forget, I actually feel it’s a year one can never forget. It certainly wasn’t an easy time. However, I have much stronger memories of the year, and of the patterns of the year than I have ever had pre-pandemic, when there was always so much rushing around.”

Alex in 1994 with fellow ER cast members (l-r) Anthony Edwards, Eriq La Salle, Goran Visnjic, Noah Wyle

Alex began her career at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, where she met her first husband, Skyfall actor Ralph Fiennes. They were together for 10 years before marrying in 1993. Two years later, Alex was left bereft when Fiennes left her after an alleged affair with a co-star. The London-born actress has barely stopped working since she first appeared on UK screens in 1980, as Jill Harcourt on the iconic children’s series Grange Hill. She continued to find success in UK dramas including Upstairs Downstairs, and The Fortunes And Misfortunes of Moll Flanders.

She first appeared in the fourth series of Doctor Who alongside David Tennant in 2008. Alex thought it was a one-off but has reprised the role in 15 episodes between 2008 and 2015.

It’s thanks to her Doctor Who appearances and, more recently, Sky’s hit supernatural drama, A Discovery Of Witches, that she has become known to a new generation of fans.

During her long and successful career, Alex has never been afraid to call out sexism in the industry. When she was dropped from ER aged 41, after seven seasons, she accused producers of ageism. saying “Apparently, I, according to the producers and the writers, am part of the old fogies who are no longer interesting.”

Then, when she auditioned for the role of Lynette Scavo on Desperate Housewives which eventually went to Felicity Huffman, she says she was turned away for being too curvy.

Although vocal about the challenges that face women, she admits she has seen positive changes in attitudes towards female talent in recent years.

She says: “When I was working on ER, I thought that I wasn’t allowed to get pregnant, I didn’t want to offend the producers as that is not what they had intended. I thought that I would have to ask permission. It was Anthony Edwards, who played my on-screen husband, who said ‘Don’t be ridiculous, don’t wait for them to allow you, you are not that important. If you want to have a child, go and have a child, and they will find a way to work round you.’ So I took his advice.

“I grew up with this notion that one had to be polite and always ask for permission. Whereas this generation don’t. They just get up and do it. The lovely and talented Teresa Palmer, whom I work with on A Discovery of Witches, is constantly popping out babies. Production just work around her. And it’s great, I admire her very much for that.”

Alex in ER

Alex puts her staying power down to being in the right place at the right time – and being nice to people, though she says theatre will provide her with a safety net should the TV work dry up one day.

She said: “Being as versatile as possible helps. I’m up for anything as long it is written well.

“I had a formal training. My first love is theatre. Having that as a backbone will always support me. In an industry that will favour youth more, theatre is always there. In order to succeed on the stage you have to have had good solid training and know how to handle your voice.

“Also, being a nice person counts for a lot. If you were difficult you would get a reputation. Of course there are actors who are extremely difficult and tiresome to work with, and there will come a point at which you think is it worth it? I don’t want to be one of those people.”

Despite her time-travelling credentials Alex has no idea what the future holds but still harbours a dream of being a Bond Girl (though obviously not one who falls for the smooth-talking spy).

She laughs: “I would love to be a villain in a James Bond movie, the real villain, the main one. Because they’ve never had a female villain. And I want to be a villain who does not find James Bond sexy at all. And doesn’t succumb to his charms, I want to be his real nemesis.”

Time for a return to Tardis?

Alex alongside Peter Capaldi in Doctor Who

From ER to the Tardis, Alex’s career to date has been distinguished by roles opposite fictional doctors, whether medical or time-travelling.

The smash-hit hospital drama which made her a star in the ’90s famously launched the Hollywood career of a certain George Clooney. Then in 2008, Alex won a new generation of fans as the wife of Doctor Who.

Because the Doctor transmutates over time Alex, as River Song, gets several leading men for the price of one. Alex said: “Essentially my character is the same, so there’s continuity there, and the fun is interacting with someone who is essentially the same man, but in a different skin and with a different energy.”

Perhaps the least lucky man in the role was Matt Smith.

Alex explained: “One of the most memorable parts of filming was when I flew through the universe, got caught in the Tardis and kneed Matt Smith, who was playing the Doctor at the time, in a sore place by mistake. There were a few tears of laughter from me and cries of pain from him.”

Speculation is rife among fans that Alex will return to the Whoniverse, if the incumbent Time Lord Jodie Whittaker steps down. All Alex will say is: “My Tardis door is always open…” [x]

#Alex Kingston #Salome Haertel #River Song #Doctor Who #Kingston Edit #ER #NEW #Interview #2021 #The Sunday Post #New

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shihalyfie · 3 years

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I’m a diehard 02 fan who does not want a reboot and never wanted a reboot, and here’s why

This is one of my few editorial-esque pieces, but this is something some friends and I have been discussing for a while, and given what’s going on right now, I feel like this needs to be said at some point.

Sometimes I feel like there’s a really massive gap between what 02 fans want (especially diehard ones) and what people think 02 fans want. I'm not saying that media should only be catering to hardcore fans, and if more casual fans of 02 or people who simply just happen to have a stake in the full franchise have their own opinions on what they wanted to see out of 02-related media, that’s perfectly fine, and they have a right to have those expectations. What I’m mainly writing this about is sentiments that talk about how Toei is apparently doing 02 a disservice or sweeping it under the bus by not rebooting it (which basically comes with an implication that giving it respect would mandate it being rebooted just because Adventure was), or talking about how doing a reboot would please 02 fans just by giving their favorite characters more rep. (Although, I suppose the simultaneous reveal of an actual 02-related movie kind of killed any grounds for claiming that the lack of a 02 reboot meant sidelining 02. You can’t really claim that they’re sidelining 02 when they’re making a whole movie, after all...)

Of course, I don’t claim to speak for every single 02 fan out there (so if you’re a 02 fan who doesn’t agree with anything I’m about to say, I apologize and hope I don’t sound presumptuous), and I highly doubt I represent the mainstream, but I felt I should input my perspective as a 02 fan who’s friends with a handful of other 02 fans, who have discussed this extensively and all have the same feelings on the topic, and why it’s kind of frustrating to keep hearing this kind of thing from people who assume that all fans of something should want to see more things that resemble them by default without any more nuance to it.

It won’t actually improve much that’s worth it

I’m going to be blunt about it: I think more people who supposedly want this 02 reboot are people who hate or dislike 02 than people who actually are fans of the series, because they’re doing this under the sentiment that “this was a bad series, so a redo would improve it.” You can especially tell because a lot of people acting like a reboot is in 02′s best interest are the same people being scathingly critical of the current Adventure: reboot right now, so you can see that this kind of mentality comes from people who clearly understand that a reboot won’t necessarily be something everyone likes all that much, and thus believe 02 is so unsalvageably bad that you couldn’t possibly make it worse. So you can probably understand why I’m not exactly patient with this kind of take.

If we are to be charitable, though -- if this sentiment comes out of a genuine feeling that 02 had missed potential that could be addressed by the reboot -- I want to ask everyone if they really believe that this theoretical reboot would be a net improvement, especially one that’s worth all the time and effort involved, and even more especially given the writing style that the current Adventure: reboot is employing. You don’t have to claim it’s a perfect series or anything to understand the sentiment that it held up enough by itself to not necessitate a whole anime series being made to do another take on it.

Something I would like to remind people who love to claim that 02 is such a despised series is that it made around 89% of Adventure’s revenue at the time it aired, and despite those who despise 02 being very vocal on the Internet, the actual mainstream tends to be very positive about it, especially in terms of anything to do with Ken (whom most reasonable people will agree had a character arc that deserves acclaim). So in other words, if you want to do a reboot, most likely you would want to do it without offending the base that likes the series already, right? (Especially since, you know, recent events have proven that upsetting the real-life 02 fanbase is actually a pretty inadvisable idea...)

Here’s the thing: Once you filter out most of the “scapegoat” reasons people tend to criticize 02, the one that’s generally the most agreed upon is how disorganized the plot gets in the second half. So this so-called ideal situation reboot would supposedly iron out all of the messy plot writing and make use of the “wasted potential” the series had -- but 02 was way more than just a narrative storyline with characters walking around in it, and when it comes to the reasons people were so drawn to it, they’re tied to the series themes about regrets and making up for the past, and about the unreasonable pressures that society places on children. That, and also the most important one, the central theme of human relationships, and the charismatic and well-developed (yes, really) characters. The so-called “messier” second half of 02 was full of payoff for a lot of what was set up in the first half in regards to its themes, and a lot of its subplots or character flairs are packed in really small nuances that are easy to miss on the first watch.

What this means is that 02 is a series that works off of a lot of delicate balances. Adventure could be “rebooted” because everything was very clear-cut and straightforward, which meant that you could change almost everything about the plot and still relatively adhere to the primary points of “kids gain self-awareness through a journey in another world”. (Like, I really hate to break it to those who put Adventure on a pedestal, but this is mainly possible because Adventure doesn’t really have much of a plot besides “defeat enemy” followed by “defeat bigger enemy”...) In the case of 02, everything regarding the story is, for better or for worse, much more deeply tied to the plot, the narrative behind the Kaiser and the traces of psychological horror laced into everything, and the second-half evolution mechanic, Jogress, has a lot to do with the developments related to the human relationships narrative. Moreover, a lot of the reasons that people call it “bad” for are deeply tied to the exact same reasons a lot of people like it -- that its takes on certain topics were heavily nuanced and unconventional, meaning it could cover ground that most media wouldn’t go anywhere near -- and so the series loses too much of its identity if those aspects are removed, even if it ostensibly seems like “streamlining” it.

So if you mess with one thing, a lot of it falls apart -- and in fact, considering the writing style that the Adventure: reboot is using right now, it’s hard to imagine that applying it to 02 would make it any better. Actually, it seems like it wouldn’t address any of the grievances anyone has with it to any substantial degree, and it’d be more likely to axe all of the stuff that were integral to 02′s identity, like the social commentary, or the heavy focus on human relationships, or the unusual sort of character nuance it employed, and...basically, we go back to the same question: is this actually worth it?

02 itself was about not having this kind of sentiment

The main reason most 02 fans get upset about the 02 characters not being included in Adventure canon-related things that should rightfully include them is that, quite simply, they’re part of the canon! In fact, most 02 fans like Adventure too, so they like the way 02 built on Adventure’s worldbuilding, and moreover they’re attached to the web of relationships between the Adventure and 02 groups -- 02′s additions to Adventure’s worldbuilding and the nature of what it established around the neighborhoods of Odaiba and Tamachi were not only added on but also deeply entangled with what was established before, so you can’t just act like none of it exists!

So this also means that once we’re talking about a completely different universe, absolutely none of this applies and there’s no expectations to adhere to any of this. The 02 quartet doesn’t exist in this universe? Cool.

Funny thing about 02: one of the biggest themes the story revolved around was “not getting caught up in the past, and moving forward with what you have instead,” so it’s probably pretty understandable that a lot of people who like 02 would be the type who wouldn’t be fond of rehashing stuff too much (and even more so it involves 02 itself), especially since being okay with 02 as a sequel likely means being okay with change in general. To make something really new out of it, you might as well...actually make something new out of it, or cover some truly new territory, instead of bothering with this whole reboot business, you know?

One thing you might notice about a lot of 02 fans is that they’re not actually all that fond of the idea of canon putting the group through more massive suffering or emotional ordeals after 02 compared to most. I mean, I think it’s pretty normal to enjoy your favorite characters going through emotional trouble, but the aversion to it often tends to be much stronger than usual, regardless of what country’s fanbase we’re talking, and even the official staff for Kizuna seems to have somewhat recognized that the 02 group is most in its element when in the context of fun and silliness. All things considered, this probably isn’t particularly surprising when you take into account the fact that “just being able to hang out with each other as casual friends at all” was considered such a blessing, and such a difficult goal to reach, that there’s a natural aversion to seeing them go through more emotional suffering again. The new trailer for the upcoming movie seems to have Daisuke in a relatively good mood (and even then, “please don’t make it too emotionally vicious for them” is a pretty common plea).

So if you want to talk about rehashing all of their old problems, seeing it all over again is just not very fun. It’s like holding Ken’s sins over his head again, even if it’s in a different universe; it just doesn’t feel right when the series itself endorsed the best possible outcome for these kids to be “to live happily and at peace with themselves, no matter what happened beforehand”. They worked so hard to get out of it, so to decide we have to do this entire rodeo again for the sake of doing it again, instead of trying something new is...well, it’s not that appealing of an idea, I have to say.

The real-life impact would be intolerable

It’s no secret that the 02 hatedom is a bit uncomfortably vocal about it, but what tends to be really frustrating about it is how many of them love to dunk on the series based on misremembering it. It’s fair that, if you don’t like a series, you probably wouldn’t want to watch it again, but as someone who’s spent a lot of years unpacking all the little details in the series and noticing that it’s much deeper than it initially seems on the surface, it’s honestly annoying to see “criticism” of the series that’s actually just dunking on it based on details that are genuinely factually incorrect (it’d be one thing if it were a question of subjectivity, but no, so many of the insults 02 often gets are based on things that legitimately did not happen in the series).

In the end, I admit that 02′s penchant for ridiculous subtlety probably worked against it a bit too much, and I’ve already covered its impact on how the series gets misread a lot. Thing is, this kind of subtlety was a thing in Adventure too, and it all leads to the unfortunate effect that a lot of people tend to forget what actually happened in Adventure if they haven’t seen it for more than a few years. With the current reboot right now, you’ll see people saying that certain characters are the same as they were in the original series, even though in most respects they’re actually the opposite -- because a lot of said people only remember them by the surface characteristics that seem to be similar.

So when you look at 02, and consider the fact that even official media -- including the official American English dub and V-Tamer -- has been a bit too prone to not handling Daisuke’s character tastefully and reducing him to traits that make him easy to dislike, you might realize that handling these characters improperly runs an extremely high risk of actually turning them into the flat, unlikeable characters that people tend to accuse them of being -- imagine Daisuke where his entire character is about fixating over Hikari and being impulsive, or Miyako being nothing but self-centered and selfish, or Iori being genuinely stoic and missing the nuances of constantly holding his emotions back. And making it worse is that this would basically solidify these negative perceptions of the characters even further -- because people, especially those inclined to hate the series, would take it as further evidence that the characters have always been like this, reflect it back on the original, and everything would really just become a miserable experience. (Those who are particularly inclined to be malicious against 02 would probably even claim a reboot to be “better than the original” no matter whatever it is, because of the belief that 02 is so incredibly terrible that literally anything would be better than it.)

It’s not my business to dictate other people’s opinions, but it’s already been a frustrating twenty years of dealing with this kind of thing, so of course I’m not going to be enthusiastic about the idea of putting up with more of it...

#digimon #digimon adventure 02

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salvatoreschool · 3 years

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Kaylee Bryant On "Legacies," The Importance Of Queer Rep On TV, Hosie, And More

"I have so many people constantly telling me that watching Josie on the show has made them feel more comfortable in themselves."

This week, Kaylee Bryant squeezed us into her schedule to talk about their role as Josie Saltzman on Legacies. As a huge Josie fan, I couldn't think of a better way to spend a morning than talking to Kaylee about The Vampire Diaries, Hosie, our favorite books, and more! Here's everything we talked about:

1. What was your audition for Legacies like?

My audition process was very interesting because they kept a lot of it a secret. I had no script and a fake character name. And then I had my second audition, a chemistry read, which Jenny Boyd [Lizzie] wasn't even at. I walked in and immediately just flat-out asked, "This is for the twins, right?" So it was long, but short and intense at the same time.

BuzzFeed: Wait, did you know which twin you were going to be playing?

I initially auditioned for Josie, and then during chemistry reads, they started asking me to read for Lizzie. And then we had our final callback where I finally met Jenny and we both read for both roles. They never told us [who was playing who] until Jenny had her appointment to go dye her hair blonde.

2. What's a typical day on set like?

Gosh, it changes every time. If it's a busy day on set, we're talking like 8 a.m. call time where we spend about two hours on hair and makeup and go straight into rehearsals. If it's a big sort of episode that involves stunt work and wire work, you're talking about doing maybe two scenes in a day. But if it's an average day, we can do anywhere from three to five scenes and we can start at 8 a.m. and wrap at 8 p.m. It really depends. I'm surprised if I'm not surprised.

3. You’ve said you’re a huge fan of The Vampire Diaries. Josie played Elena in the musical episode — what was that like?

It was surreal for sure. They had talked a little bit about doing a musical episode since Season 1. And I always thought that they were joking when they talked about doing Salvatore: The Musical!, so when they said Josie would obviously play Elena, I was like, "Hahaha." And then I got the script and realized I actually was playing Elena. The musical aspect of it was the easy part. The difficult part was, I think, getting into the iconic Elena attire and trying to feel normal. Because we have a lot of crew members that worked on The Vampire Diaries, and they kept coming up to me being like, "This is weird. I feel weird."

4. Do you have a favorite scene you’ve filmed with Courtney Bandeko (Finch) this season?

I really did love the scene that we had in the town square [when] we got on a moped. There were so many fans in the town square that were huddled in the rain — it was pouring rain, freezing cold — trying to snap photos of us. And it was kind of one of those surreal moments where it felt full circle, that I was on a Vampire Diaries spinoff in town square. It was a lot going on, but it was a lot of fun. It's always fun working with Courtney.

5. You and Danielle Rose Russell (Hope) also have amazing chemistry — what’s your favorite scene you’ve filmed together?

Oh gosh, we have a lot that are pretty amazing. Honestly, I'd say [Season 3] Episode 14 — we finally got to do a lot more scenes together. And it's always fun, especially when it's Josie, Lizzie, and Hope, because we have so much history character-wise. Any time you really get to dive into that, we love it.

6. I know Josie and Finch are working through some things right now, but I gotta ask — how do you feel about Hosie?

I love it. Danielle and I loved the idea of Hosie starting from Season 1, and we kept asking and asking and asking for it. So it's kind of funny and full circle that now the fans have kind of taken our side with things, and now they won't stop asking for it. All we want is this beautiful, dynamic relationship. And I think that the fans want that as well.

BuzzFeed: Yeah, I mean, people have even been asking me about Hosie, and I don't work on the show!

Oh, I'm sure! [Laughs] Obviously I love it, though.

7. Is there a particular Josie moment you’re really proud of?

Josie has a scene coming up in Episode 18 — or 19? — I don't know, but it's good. It's sort of the pinnacle of everything that Josie has felt over the past three years kind of culminating into one moment. So, I'm excited for people to see it.

8. You recently came out as queer. How has playing Josie, who’s pansexual, impacted you personally?

I felt a lot of pressure when I initially booked Josie because I was still figuring out who I was and what my label was. And playing a character who was so comfortable in who she was, it was inspiring [to me] in a way that I think a lot of other people watching the show have been inspired. I have so many people constantly telling me that watching Josie on the show has made them feel more comfortable in themselves. It's kind of amazing that we all have the same experience in that having queer representation makes you more comfortable.

9. You’ve been vocal about your Asian identity, and your character has spoken Japanese on the show. Did you have a hand in incorporating that into Josie’s character?

No, not at all! So, I spoke Japanese a few times on the [Instagram] Live and one of our writers, Penny Cox, saw me speaking Japanese and immediately went to Brett [Matthews] and was like, "We need to make this happen somehow." And then all of a sudden, I had a script in my hands. So it was a surprise, but a fun one.

BuzzFeed: Are you fluent in Japanese?

Gosh, no! I'm barely fluent in English. [Laughs] I would say I speak at the level of maybe a second-grader on a good day, though.

10. If you could pitch any storyline for Josie, what would it be?

I always joke that I want an episode that takes place overnight. That way, we all have to be wearing pajamas the entire episode. I just want to wear some comfy clothes for a whole two weeks, that's my main goal. So we can have a pajama episode, that's my pitch.

11. What's it like getting into character for Dark Josie scenes?

It's different in the sense that I know Josie so well. And knowing Josie in turn makes me understand Dark Josie. I have a whole different playlist of music that I listen to for Dark Josie — and I have the wig, which helps a lot with getting into character.

BuzzFeed: Well, now I have to ask what music is on that playlist!

I think "Bury a Friend" by Billie Eilish is a great one for Dark Josie. Also, "Villain" by K/DA is a prime example of a perfect song for Dark Josie, so I listen to that one as well.

12. What's your go-to Starbucks order?

Plain black iced Americano. Aria [Shahghasemi, who plays Landon] says I drink coffee like a sociopath. [Laughs]

13. What TV show are you currently binging?

I just finished watching Alice in Borderland, which is a Japanese show on Netflix. And I know Feel Good Season 2 just came out, so I think that's my next binge.

14. Damon or Stefan?

Stefan! They're both beautiful and I love them very much, but I'm Team Stefan when it comes to Elena.

15. If you could work with anyone from The Vampire Diaries, who would it be?

Ian Somerhalder has a lot of dogs. So, maybe I want to work with him for the sole reason of just talking about dogs. [Writer's note: Kaylee revealed she has two rescue dogs, one whom was sleeping right next to them during the interview! Kaylee described the dogs as "both complete and total nuts," but said she misses them about five minutes after getting into the car to go to work.]

16. Do you think you’re most similar to Josie, Lizzie, or Hope in real life?

I would say I'm an eclectic mix of the three. I can be very headstrong like Hope, very outspoken like Lizzie, and I try to be as loving as Josie, but sometimes that doesn't always work. But I'd like to think all three.

17. Is there a role people would be surprised to learn you auditioned for, but didn't get?

I've been auditioning since I was eight, so there's quite a few Disney Channel shows and movies. And I'm sure people would be surprised because I think I auditioned for like, all of them. It's very funny, one of the first jobs I ever booked in television was Kickin' It with Leo Howard [Ethan]. Talk about full circle — going from being 12 years old and having no idea what I'm doing to being a series regular on [Legacies] and welcoming Leo to the set.

18. Who's your favorite Disney princess?

Oh, I love Mulan so much. She was, like, my first crush ever. I also love Moana, but it's Mulan 1,000%.

19. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I mean, I do eat rice every day. So maybe just white rice — you can make rice into candy and...yeah, let's go with rice.

20. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one book, what would it be?

Oh no! I recently read The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers, and I really enjoyed that book. Oh god, Is that the one that I want to bring, though? I mean, I really enjoyed it and it has many different aspects to it. I don't know. Or should I go with Harry Potter? I go through different genres too, like right now I'm in a big sci-fi phase, but other times I'll go the opposite direction and only read biographies. Yeah, that's super hard. I don't think I would know!

21. On that note, what's your Hogwarts house?

Initially, when I was younger, it used to just be straight-up Slytherin. And now, I recently took the Sorting Hat Quiz and I got Ravenclaw. So I'm going to go with Slytherclaw.

BuzzFeed: What's Josie's house?

Josie would be Slytherin. She tries very hard and, you know, not everyone in Slytherin is evil. She just, you know, has her way of going about things.

22. Has anything super funny or embarrassing happened to you on set?

I trip a lot on set. I get scared very easily — if I come around the corner and somebody is walking the other direction, I get scared. Everybody knows to walk slowly around me because I get scared so easily.

23. What's your wildest fan story?

I've had people cry before. And I'm an empath, so if somebody starts crying, I immediately am like, "Please don't cry, because I'm gonna cry." And then it turns into this whole thing. Once we were shooting in the town square and this young girl with her mom started crying, and I just hugged her and I didn't know what to say. So there's a lot of that. There's also the occasional, "Where's your twin?" and...I don't have one, sorry! But yeah, I would say the people who cry always throw me for a loop.

24. How do you unwind after a long day?

I have an hourlong drive home from work, so I usually listen to a lot of music. And by the time I get home, taking off all of my makeup is very therapeutic. Because over time, we're working 13-hour days, 16-hour days, and it's just powder constantly building up on my face. So, washing my face is always very therapeutic. And then just laying back and reading a book and petting my dog is the best.

25. Is there a celebrity you get told you look like a lot?

Most recently, Sara Waisglass [from Ginny & Georgia and Degrassi]. We follow each other on social media now and I completely messed up because I don't know how Twitter works at all. I forgot that there's a DMing interaction, so we followed each other and I was like, "Oh, that's nice." And then just recently, I saw that she had messaged me being like, "We're twins! We should be friends!" And I immediately messaged back, "I'm so sorry, let's be friends!"

26. Who's your biggest celebrity crush?

Oh, I have so many. But consistently since I saw Orphan Black, Tatiana Maslany. Hands down.

27. Finally, have you ever caught someone watching a TV show or movie that you're in on a flight or anywhere else?

We were all, as a cast, flying to — was it New York Comic Con, or San Diego Comic Con? — one of the Comic Cons. And we were all sitting there and we saw that Legacies was actually on the airplane as an option. And we were all just uncomfortably staring at each other. Yeah, that was surreal.

Be sure to catch Kaylee in Legacies, which airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET on The CW!

#legacies #theoriginals #thevampirediaries #tvd #kaylee bryant #josiesaltzman #siphoner #witch #gemini coven #lizzie&josie #saltzmantwins #salvatoreschool #mysticfalls #julieplec #thecw #queer

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zaina-xoxo · 3 years

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My k-pop opinions

* I feel like a large/fair amount of BTS stans (army's) are not actually into BTS. Majority of army's are just there for the hype and popularity around BTS. Not all are like that. I understand, many army's are there since the beginning and continue to do so till the end!

* Don't ignore the problematic stuff your idols say or do! I see a lot of k-pop stans ignore all the mistakes. And even if an idol does the same mistake/or a mistake in general, don't bring up their previous apologies everywhere! They need to be educated about it and stuff, and covering them up won't help it.

* 'Mistreated', it gets brought up in every subject. If an idol doesn't have a fancy outfit for once, or doesn't get as much attention , you name it. Mistreated gets brought up. Most of times your idols are mismanaged, not mistreated.

* Liskook: Where do I even start?- If your unaware, Liskook is a ship between Lisa (Blackpink) and Jungkook (BTS), people like to believe they are real, and go to extreme lengths. Like making edits of them together, and the fanarts :/, if the lengths people go to, to prove they are real. If you believe in Liskook, your a delusional.

* Those who can't differentiate between k-pop idols, I am sorry if I sound rude, but you must be bad at recognising people.

* Jennie is the best in Blackpink. She is a total package! Like she can dance (after her ankle injury it seems like she doesn't try anymore, and I get that, getting your ankle injured for 9–10 times isn't fun), she can sing, I love her vocals! She can rap! She is my bias for a reason! The other girls are good too! Most of the times she's overrated, there's no ignoring that.

* Honestly I love Red Velvet's comebacks, you never know what kind of concept they are gonna back with, and their songs are really unique!

* More & More stage outfits were ugly.

* I loved Rosé's Gone!

* At this point, I find girl groups hotter than boy groups.

* I hate it when you call a grown ass man/woman a baby- like they are actual adults. Call them cute/adorable anything, but baby? I hate it when fans do that.

* Your idols are not your property. You can't buy their life! Give them some personal space, they deserve happiness too. Don't act childish and selfish.

* There's a big difference on supporting a group, supporting one person and hating others. Like I don't have a problem with solo stans, but when they hate the rest of the group it annoys me.

* Let idols date, they have a life too. They don't belong to you.

* Sexually attracted to a idol is normal, like it's a human thing. Attracted to an idol is different than sexualizing an idol.

* You need to stop sexualizing idols, like I hate it when people do that. Like, when an idol isn't even an adult (a teenager) the inappropriate comments are everywhere. Like, no. Stop!

* You don't need to like every member. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying hate the other members. You don't need to like any of them. Like, you can just listen and vibe to the songs, and not like any members. Biases exist, for a reason. You don't need to keep up with the group/members at all. It's music, after all. Unless, you're being hateful, it's a whole different story.

* Most of the opinions are just there to hate on a group (blindly) whom people know nothing about (there might be a few opinions of mine like these, but they are not hateful!)

* Shipping is supposed to be fun, not toxic. Like, shipping is so toxic in k-pop. Like the weird edits, fanarts and stuff (most of the fanarts are fantastic, but why the ship?) I don't have nothing against people who ship idols as long as you're not crossing the line, and don't take it to the extreme (which most of y'all do). Like, enjoy it, but don't cross the line. Most of y'all are harmless, and I agree. Shipping is cool, unless it's taken seriously.

* If you wanna write fanfiction about real life people, make sure it's harmless! Just don't dump all your fantasies into it. They are real people!

* There's no best company in k-pop. Every company is worst or best in their own way. And you're never too sure what happens behind the curtains.

* BTS did not pave the way. They helped in the popularity, but no they didn't pave the way.

* Fanwwars are the worst. I don't see the point in it. They are literally so lame, like most of them make me laugh. Like y'all immature af, just get a life. Like why?

* 2nd generation k-pop was the best. Go on prove me wrong :). Ha, you cant.

* Solo >> On The Ground >> Gone >> Lalisa >> Money

* Lisa's solo wasn't that bad. Like, it grew on me. I like it now. Say whatever you want, but i don't hate it anymore. Like, I found it cool after listening to it a few times.

* Sexual harrasment, Sexualization etc. needs to stop.

* I find Aespa's concept confusing, but it's unique.

* You don't have to like every song artist's release. Like, why are y'all attacking for not liking a song? Chill, people have different interests and don't like the same things as you. You shouldn't force them too.

* I've finding myself drift away from k-pop. I am 👌🏻 close to leaving the k-pop fandom either permanently or temporarily. Like, I don't have intrest in the groups I stanned before. Honestly, I might just consider myself a decent listener at this point.

* Why can't yall handle when k-pop idols date? Jealous that you can't date your precious oppa and noona? That's ridiculous. I dare you to never date in your life, will you do it? It's the same for idols, let them live their life. Like y'all are so toxic, and need to get out of your fantasies. Seriously people like these annoy me so much, I wanna throw hands.

* I hate survival shows.

* Most k-pop idols can't model. Don't get me wrong herereason Like, most of the time they are just pulling it off cause they are pretty.

* The main reason idols aren't allowed to date are the fans. Company's protray idols as the dream boyfriend/girlfriend, and the fans go with it, get lost in their fantasies. Dream that they will go to South Korea, become a k-pop idol and fall in love. It ain't easy as it sounds, trust me :/

* BTS and Blackpink aren't the only talented groups out there. Like, there are groups that deserve the exact fame as success as them.

* I can't stan Twice or Ateez. I need to get connected to the members to stan a group. I love their music and stuff. But I don't connect with their personalities.

* Most of the idols are dating. Get over it. Like, y'all are hating on idols who date, but your favourite oppa and noona might be dating. Like, most of y'all are caught up in the idols, like when they say 'I only love my fans' like they don't even know you honey. This really is ridiculous. Y'all don't believe that k-pop idols are/can date cause of the illusion. Y'all go like 'ah, I wish they would date' yada yada yada, and when they actually do. You make comments on the relationship, don't support it etc. Like, you were the one who wished they could date! Where's the support now? Like most of them unstan that particular idol or the whole group because of this. Like y'all stop—

* I feel like majority of the people are hating on Lisa's solo without an actual reason. I get it, it didn't pass your expectations but why overhype it? Why overrate her talents? Like she did what she had to do. It ain't her fault, I think she wasn't even involved in the writing of her songs. After a few listens, I liked that song. Money, it wasn't as good. But, it could be better. I understand, most of us don't have the same intrests, and you don't have to like a song. But don't hate on Lisa for that. Y'all are blaming Lisa for that, when you were the ones who hyped it up. But the word Lalisa is stuck in my head, that I feel like I've entered some cult-

* Normalise solo stans, the ones that aren't toxic and respect the group as a whole, you have my respect. But the ones that hate the rest of the group- we need to discuss some serious shit.

* You don't have to like every song that is self produced.

Feel free to agree or disagree! I will add more later on :)

#kpop #k-pop opinions #opinions #unpopular opinions #my opinion on k-pop #don't cancel me laksjdh #these are mine feel free to disagree #feel free to agree or disagree #k-pop #bts #Blackpink

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jinruihokankeikaku · 3 years

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Reviewing My Top 40 Most-Played Songs: January 1 - July 2, 2021 (Part 1 of 5, #40-#33 & #16)

40. “Chesapeake” by Better Oblivion Community Center (2019) “Even though there’s no one around You broke a leg and the house came down....” I’ve listened to this whole album A Lot these past few months. It’s good music, better lyricism, and superlative acting. I’m always impressed by a concept album that doesn’t market itself as such, and this....is that. I might be just a bit biased as someone who was already a pretty big fan of both Phoebe Bridgers and Connor Oberst, but the fact that their first collaborative effort as BOCC manages to match or exceed most of their individual works speaks well of their “stage chemistry”, so to speak. While I shan’t to speculate on the private lives of the performers, I will go so far as to say that Bridgers’ and Oberst’s portrayals of their respective characters on this album is engaging and compelling storytelling with a remarkable level of pathos and verisimilitude. And I mean they really sell it - I don’t think it’s overstating this album’s case to compare it to the Mountain Goats’ Tallahassee (2002) or Stars’ Set Yourself on Fire (2004) in terms of its synthesis of deeply humanistic romance-cum-psychodrama and witty, listenable indie-pop. This track especially stands out as an authentic and heartwarming/heartwrenching number about the way the distance between us and those we hold most dear can shift at a moment’s notice, with Phoebe Bridgers’ vocal performance especially standing out as one of the most authentically emotional in her catalogue.

39. “Televangelist” by Julien Baker (2017) “Am I a masochist, screaming televangelist? Clutching my crucifix of white noise and static, All my prayers are just apologies.... Hold out a flare, ‘til you come for me.... Do I turn into light if I burn alive?” When I first heard the above passage, the song’s final chorus, I’m pretty sure I immediately rewound the track just so I could confirm what I had just heard. has already been said by many critics, Julien Baker is a really good lyricist. This song’s portrayal of the angst associated with finding and questioning faith, trying to perform and trying not to, and interrogating the relationship between the factions of oneself that are one’s body, mind, and soul is....strikingly raw even in plaintext, and made all the more powerful by Baker’s impassioned line delivery and the track’s sparse musical arrangement. It’s rare that a song has an impact on me that is so immediate and so lasting. My personal feelings about the song notwithstanding, I think there’s something to be said for this particular number’s universalising character, also. Who among us hasn’t interrogated their own desires and motivations, as Baker’s narrator does here? And more to the point, who among us hasn’t done that again after hearing this song?

38. “The Bagman’s Gambit” by The Decemberists (2005) “And from my ten-floor tenement, where once our bodies lay How I long to hear you say, ‘No, they’ll never catch me now.... No they’ll never catch me.... No they cannot catch me now.’” This song is over 16 years old now, but it’s a song I’ve only come to fully appreciate this year. I have mixed feelings about The Decemberists’ discography as a whole - often, I think, Colin Meloy is a bit too clever for his band’s own good, and his band is too damn good for some of his lyrics. That said, this song is a masterclass in lyrical storytelling - explicating only what the narrator needs to say, and implying just enough for the listener to infer what the narrator hasn’t the wherewithal to say. That, combined with the number’s Neutral Milk Hotel-esque bridge, its anti-folk aesthetic, and the sincerity with which Meloy portrays the lovesick, doomed, and (presumably) closeted Cold War-era DC beaurocrat, combine to make a song that I feel entirely comfortable calling the band’s magnum opus. If you haven’t heard it in a while, I recommend giving it another spin; it holds up just fine.

37. “Guitar Hero” by Amanda Palmer (2008) “So what’s the use of going outside? It’s so depressing when people die in real life. I’d rather pick up right where we left, Making out to Faces of Death...” Alright. I’m not going to comment on the authorial intent behind this song and its subject matter, nor am I going to try to defend some of the language Palmer uses in its lyrics. I am Well Aware that my fave is problematic. But this is the song that gave us the line, “And I could save you, baby, but it isn’t worth my time,” which, frankly, is enough to make it a gem in my book. All of my comments here are based on my initial experience of a given song and the reasons I spent so much time listening to it. When I first heard this song, I heard it as a commentary on a dysfunctional-but-addictive relationship and the comparable destrudo-ific lure of rockstardom. And as far as that interpretation goes? It’s right effective. If you ask me.

#36 & #16 “Chinese Satellite” by Phoebe Bridgers & “Chinese Satellite (Copycat Killer Version) by Phoebe Bridgers and Rob Moose (2020) “...but you know I’d stand on a corner, embarrassed, with a picket sign If it meant I would see you when I die. Sometimes, when I can’t sleep It’s just a matter of time before I’m hearing things; Swore I could hear you, through the walls... But that’s impossible.)” It’s hard for me to talk about this song, which is something of a comment on how much it’s influenced me. The number of mornings I’ve spent “walking around in circles” to this song is more than I could count. An awful lot has been said about Phoebe Bridgers and her songwriting in this past year, so it’s hard for me to say anything here that’s not already been said, but with regard to this song in particular, I’d like to point out the way the narrator ambiguates the nature of their loneliness by proceeding the line “...you know how I hate to be alone.” with “I want to believe; but then, I look at the sky and I feel nothing...”, suggesting a spiritual element to a song, which element is later reinforced by both the above quotation “...but you know I’d stand on a corner....) and references to the narrator’s subject having been “...screaming at the evangelicals”. These touches, along with the urgency with which Bridgers portrays the simple vignette of her narrator “walking around in circles, pretending to be [her]self”, make for a pop song that’s both catchy enough to hum along to, and thought-provoking enough to make a listener pause in mid-stride.

#35. “Plea” by Say Anything (ft. Kenny Vasoli and Hayley Williams) (2007) “If you should go, right now (I slit this cut in the black, expanding sky...) If you should go, right now (The rain bleeds out, before my jaded eyes...) If you should go, right now (I slit this cut in the black, expanding sky...) To live without your love.... I don’t know how.” “Plea” is remarkably lacking in lyrical density, relative to both In Defense of the Genre (the album from whence it came) and to Max Bemis’ body of work in general. This isn’t a bad thing - its simplicity (along with the fact that it features two of aughties pop-punk’s superluminaries on top of Bemis’ own singing and songwriting) makes it stand out on the album as a deeply human longing, and, well....a plea. When Hayley Williams sings, “Make me believe you mean this!” over Bemis’ plaintive bridge-cum-”prayer”, the listener is compelled to follow along - to not only suspend one’s disbelief with regard to the content of the song, but to believe in the sincerity of the song and its creators. It’s easy and myopic to read of Bemis and his band’s work as pretentious or affected, but songs like “Plea” debunk this notion easily, by displaying a level of candour and vulnerability that is all-too-rare in The Genre At Large.

#34. “137″ by Brand New (2017) “Before the Garden, when you were all alone, You made the atom. Was that some inside joke? Open the gates, and then conceal the path, ‘Let’s load the gun and see how long they last.’?” There was a period of about two between my discovering this song, in the first half of 2018, and my writing this today, during which I couldn’t listen to this song at all. Setting aside the complicated relationship many (current and former) fans of Brand New have with Jesse Lacey’s body of work, this song is heavy enough to discourage frequent or casual listening in its own right, as its narrator comes to terms with the impending end of their life (and everyone else’s) in an apocalyptic nuclear war. It’s grim, and unlike much of Lacey’s lyricism, it contains little in the way of comic relief, romantic sentimentality, or typical Third-Wave-Emo melodrama. Instead, its narrator’s sardonic, singsong meditations reverberate against guitar riffs that repeat their melody through a glass, darkly, and garbled fragments of radio or telephonic messages (ostensibly from the narrator or others in his situation). It’s by no means easy listening, and it could be argued that it’s too “grimdark” for its own good, but even so, it’s a triumph of modern rock that manages to stand out even amidst so many similarly distinctive cuts from Science Fiction.

#33. “Dark in Here” by the Mountain Goats (2021) “Did you leave your house in order, when you came for me? Is this really where you meant to be? Just beyond your limits, find a new frontier; I live in the darkness. It’s dark in here.” Not since 2015′s “Werewolf Gimmick” has John Darnielle portrayed so effectively so intimidating a narrator. As the Mountain Goats have surged in popularity lately (especially here on tumblr), there’s been a proportionate surge of critics calling John Darnielle’s songwriting “predictable”,and there is some truth to that allegation. However, I would argue that in the context of the Mountain Goats’ oeuvre as a whole, their consistency in form is more of a strength than a weakness, especially given the diversity of subjects about whom (or from whose perspective) Darnielle chooses to write. In “Dark in Here” (the title track of what is at time of writing their most recent album), Darnielle portrays an eternally headstrong fugitive, renegade, or partisan, hunkering down amidst a stockpile of ammunition in preparation for a last stand against his pursuers. Another artist might’ve delivered the song’s bitter jabs and desperate threats with more aggression, but JD’s increasingly measured and uncharacteristically stable intonation on this track lend the lyrics an aura of menace without which the listener mightn’’t have found them credible. “Dark in Here”, undoubtedly, sounds like a Mountain Goats song. That’s not a bad thing.

#music review #song review #better oblivion community center #julien baker #the decemberists #amanda palmer #phoebe bridgers #say anything #the mountain goats

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2ndaryreactsandscenarios · 4 years

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CRAVITY Reaction: Flaws and All

You can’t help but focus on your flaws lately, and the members take notice. What would they do and how would they feel about you, flaws and all?

Serim (Aesthetic Cameraman and Leader)

Serim would listen to you talk about yourself and it would make him a little bit sad to be honest. He knew that no matter what he said it probably wouldn’t change your mind. Maybe a part of him thought that you didn’t really mean the things you were saying about yourself. Because, come on, just look at yourself! Never had he met someone as grand and amazing as you and he was almost positive that someone like you must know how good of a person you are.

Serim would at most tell you after hearing it once, “But you know none of that’s true right?”

Serim knew that more than anything, you needed to see yourself yourself and that anything he said would always come second. So he would if anything try to help you out of your comfort zone and to see how awesome you were.

Allen (Refined Choreographer and Rapper)

Allen would try to relate to you about feeling unconfident or feeling the way that you did. He was more concerned with making sure you knew that you were never alone.

“Now how you feel right now, it’s totally normal. But what you feel is your feelings alone… Does that make sense?”

He would share his own experience and when he started to remember it it made him tear up a little bit. He assured you that he was fine, but that they were sad and happy tears. Sad for the pain he felt then, but happy that he has grown so much from then.

“You may look at yourself and not like everything you see. But maybe someday real soon you will grow to. I mean I like everything I see in front of me. I hope you will soon too. I mean with yourself of course.”

Allen would be a little shy after that.

Jungmo (Quietly Slick and Selca Pro)

Is it weird that I think Jungmo would start crying? Like not right away. So I think he would hear you talk about yourself in a negative way the first time and he wouldn’t say much about it. Maybe throw in disagreement here and there, but it was more about him listening to you.

But after hearing about it a couple of times, he would get upset.

“Even if I say it a thousand times, you never seem to believe me when I tell you those things aren’t true. You aren’t the person you say you are, and it’s… Just really frustrating that you feel so ashamed of yourself right now. Because in my eyes you are so much more than you think you are. And it hurts me when you talk down about yourself.”

Jungmo’s outburst would probably make you really think about these things, and you would have to comfort Jungmo in the moment. Jungmo would make it a point to compliment you more or to tell you how great he thought you were.

Woobin (Camera Shy and Hardworking Vocal)

Woobin would listen to you patiently, and honestly? As he listened he liked you a little more. Somewhere in the span of your friendship he had thought you were so perfect and so unflawed. That made him feel like he could never measure up or rather that he didn’t deserve such a friend. So as he heard you mention your insecurity he realized, “Ah, I’m not the only one in this relationship who worries.”

Looking at you shyly mention your insecurities he would smile on the inside. And before he could stop himself, he would say, “You know, you’re really amazing.”

Woobin wouldn’t really explain why he said what he did all he would say is, “The stuff you don’t like about yourself, people who love you won’t mind them all that much. So rather than looking at one thing, look at the whole picture? You’re more than some flaw. I like being around ya so don’t think too much about that stuff if you can…You have way more than those couple of flaws.”

Wonjin (Energy Ball and the Walk and Talk)

Wonjin would do his best to listen to you when you talked about your insecurities. However, the urge to say something was so strong. He just didn’t understand how someone as wonderful as you could think such negative things about himself. He may even get a bit mad over it. Eventually, he couldn’t hold it inside anymore and just had to say something.

“You know that all that stuff you are saying isn’t true right? You know that you are awesome and the best person ever right? I don’t know who made you think these things about yourself, but not one of them are true. You are amazing and I think you are great the way you are!”

Wonjin would honestly get upset over you talking down to yourself. He wouldn’t tolerate you talking about someone he cares about that way (even if it is yourself).

Minhee (The Tallest with Three Strikes to Luvity)

When you would start to get into your insecurities, Minhee would be sitting there in disbelief. How could someone so cool actually view themselves as something so small? Ultimately, Minhee would ask you to stand up. You would do so and he would stand too.

“You know, I’m really tall. I see everything up here, meaning I can tell who’s a decent person and who is a bad person. I would never hang out with someone I thought was bad or like you are describing. I see you and I think you are great. Even better than great. So please don’t say those things about yourself. They aren’t true, and I can confirm that as someone who is your friend and knows you.”

Hyeongjun (The Easy Going Trainee with Heart)

Hyeongjun would worry a lot when he heard you talk about yourself the way you did. What could he say to make you understand that those things weren’t you at all? He would wind up thinking about it long after the fact and he was at his wits end. So, he would send you a long text explaining everything he liked about you. He’d tell you to not worry about those flaws because you were already amazing as you were.

Hyeongjun wouldn’t want you to worry and feel so down over things that weren’t even true. So the next time you two met up, he would give you a cute pocket mirror.

“Inside this thing here, the most amazing person in the world will be looking back. And I am lucky to call that person my friend.” (Of course since it’s a mirror you would be looking at yourself). He’d hug you too.

Taeyoung (The Lively Thinker and the Gamer)

Taeyoung would struggle to sit still as you talked down about yourself. He would ask so many questions and try to help you get to the root of why you felt that way. Taeyoung wanted you to understand that whatever you thought you were really wasn’t you at all. At least not whom he saw.

“Look, I get that you think you’re this horrible hideous monster, but that’s just not the person I’ve seen you to be. If you aren’t showing me all of yourself and the so-called ugly you are talking about, try me. Then I’ll tell you for sure if you are a monster.”

(Spoiler Alert- You weren’t a monster.)

At the end of the day, Taeyoung would be there to knock some logic into you and make you understand that while you were not perfect, you were perfectly flawed and everything you were struggling with was something we all have gone through once or twice. He made sure you never felt all alone but gave you space when you needed.

Seongmin (Maknae Who Enjoys Games and Ice Cream)

Seongmin would ask you what was wrong when he noticed you were down recently. You’d explain what was going on and he would honestly be sad enough to cry. He would be sad because you thought so little of yourself when he saw the world in you. Sad because while you were struggling he waited so long to ask. And lastly, sadly mad at himself.

He felt like he didn’t have the experiences to relate to you or the knowledge to help you. He wanted you to see more in yourself and he just didn’t have the tools in his arsenal so he felt.

“I’m sorry that someone as awesome as you has to go through things like this. I’m even more sorry that you're stuck with me and not with someone who can help you more. I may not be able to suggest anything useful and may never be able to help, but if I can listen and you want me to listen, then I’ll be here always.”

He would probably ask his fellow members later on what they would do in his shoes and how to better face that situation. Seongmin would really take the time to research these things in order to make sure you knew you had support.

Disclaimer: An important thing to note in regards to these reactions/scenarios is that none of them are based on how the members are in real life and are merely a depiction that fits the fiction (as I don’t know the members personally). These are meant to be lighthearted (aside from the angst that continues to rise on this blog) and I hope they are not being taken as pure fact or reality.

If you took the time to read this reaction, thank you so much for your time. Stay happy and healthy! Make yourself a magnificent morning/afternoon/evening/night whenever in time or whenever in the world you may be and I hope to see you all again soon. Bye bye~

#cravity #cravity reaction #cravity reactions #cravity scenario #cravity scenarios #cravity imagines #cravity imagine

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ericmun · 3 years

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Woman Sense - NOV.2020: Refreshing Woman, Na Hye Mi, What's Her Plan for Starting 2nd Generation With Shinhwa’s Eric? + 10 Simple Questions Her Style (English Sub)

The Moment I Discovered Na Hye Mi’s Never-seen-before Charms

" I want to be an actor who is loved not only by the public but also by fellow actors and staff members I work with. For that to happen, I should become a better person, right?

I met actress Na Hye Mi. The misconception I had of her being somewhat haughty based on her sharp eyes disappeared completely with the first greeting. Although she was busy filming the drama these days, Na Hye Mi did not look the least bit tired. She smiled the entire time and gave carefully considered responses to each question. She was not super eloquent, but it was charming to see an honest and refreshing side of her. Even her apology for not being used to doing interviews was true to her character.

These days, Na Hye Mi's main interest is KBS1's new daytime drama “No Matter What.” It’s not that she does not have experience doing weekend and daytime dramas, but it is the first time that she plays such a big role. Although she had nerves and concerns about leading a daily drama as a leading actress, the excitement about greeting viewers with a new character was greater.

“No Matter What” is a family drama about the growth of children who have experienced divorce and remarriage of their parents. Na Hye Mi plays ‘Kim Bora,’ a weather forecaster who welcomes a stepfather after growing up in a single-parent household. Not only will there be a sweet love story line but the real relationship among family members will also be presented with colorful charms.

"I'm scared and nervous about the reactions." Na Hye Mi looked very excited for her meeting with Woman Sense, which took place just before the premiere of “No Matter What.” She still exuded the fresh energy and raw enthusiasm of a rookie. I became curious about Na Hye Mi, a refreshing woman who cannot easily be judged based on first impression.

Q. You’re back with a new drama. Na Hyemi: We only have two days left until the premiere (October 12th, 2020), but I'm still in a daze. I’m also wondering how the viewers will react. We started filming at the end of August and we've been working so hard up until now, but I think I still need to adjust to the set. I've experienced both weekend and daytime dramas, but I still feel like I have a long way to go. (laughs) My current role is bigger than any of my previous works, so I'm spending a lot of time thinking about how to lead the drama. Above all, I try my best to not to become a nuisance on the set.

Q.All of your previous works had high ratings. Na Hyemi: KBS2's weekend drama “My Only One” and KBS1's daytime drama “Home for Summer” both produced pretty high ratings. Sometimes I can't believe I was a part of such beloved dramas, so I feel more gratitude than anything. I was very fortunate. I'm still in touch and maintain good relationships with Lim Ye Jin sunbaenim and Uee unni, both of whom I met during that time. I hope I can also learn and gain new things after finishing “No Matter What.”

Q. This time, you become a weather forecaster. Na Hyemi: Weather forecasts are the voices we commonly hear in our daily lives. I thought I could imitate it quickly, but it turned out to be harder than I thought. I’m practicing very hard to look like a real weather forecaster. I’m even correcting my pronunciation while biting to a pen. It is not easy. In fact, it turns out weather forecasters and announcers have different pronunciations and vocalizations. I gained more respect for them while practicing.

Q. What kind of character can we expect from you in “No Matter What”? Na Hyemi: The character Kim Bora is very bubbly and fun. Since it’s a family drama, you can also enjoy a variety of harmony among the family members. In particular, please look forward to the sister chemistry between Kim Bora and 'Shin Ari' (Jung Min Ah). I only have a younger brother in real life so I really like having a sister in the drama (laughs). The drama is still at the beginning stages, so there hasn’t been much progress, but I hope viewers also enjoy the love story line. I'll be filming the drama until the end of the year, so my goal is to finish it without any trouble. I'll take the viewers’ criticism as interests, so please give us a lot of support.

Q. Coincidentally, your husband Eric will also be back onscreen with a new project in October (Eric stars in MBC's new drama “The Spies Who Loved Me”.) Na Hyemi: My husband started filming before me, but recently, I've been filming more often. That makes it harder to see each other. When I get home, I’m busy washing up and catching sleep, so there’s not much time to see each other face to face. We don’t get to talk a lot because we have to memorize our scripts and we’re busy with our own preparations, but we always encourage and cheer for each other.

Q. Do you ever choose projects for each other? Na Hyemi: We don't really discuss the choice of works with each other. I don't think I'm in a position to pick and choose a particular line of work, so I'm trying to do my best with the opportunities presented to me. The same goes for my husband. Since we are affiliated with different agencies, I think it’s only right that we discuss the projects with our own agency and staff members first. However, I do read the scenario and give feedbacks like “That's interesting.”

Q. You got married in 2017, has anything changed since your marriage? Na Hyemi: I lived with my parents before marriage. Of course I was comfortable and happy back then, but I definitely feel more emotionally stable after marriage. The part that I like the most is that I’m in the same career field as my husband and that we can understand each other. When one of us is having a hard time, we listen and give advice to each other. When we start a new project, it’s not like we can leave and come home at normal time like an office worker. There are times when people are naturally become less attentive in managing the household, so it’s good to be able to understand and take care of each other without saying it out loud. So far, we have had very few projects overlap, so one of us filled the vacancy when one person was away, but this time it's not easy because we’re both busy at the same time.

Q. Do you have any plans for children? Na Hyemi: Not yet. Right now, I'm trying to focus on the current work in front of me. I can’t think about having a baby or childrearing yet. I think I need a little more time. I will discuss it with my husband in the future. (laughs)

Q. Your personal life is behind a veil. You don't even use social media that much, do you? Na Hyemi: I do have an social media account, but I don't use it often. I don’t usually take a lot of pictures. I can’t show my face when I’m resting at home because I’m lounging around so comfortably. They say people appreciate a natural appearance these days, but how can I show myself with my hair in a messy bun (laughs). On my days off, I take walks with my two dogs or watch Netflix while eating snacks. Those are my best ‘small but definite happiness.’

Q. You have very good skin. Do you have any special beauty tips? Na Hyemi: Lately, I've been having skin trouble frequently while filming. I’ve tried various products, from famous beauty items to inexpensive cosmetic products known for having good ingredients, but I haven’t had much results. These days, I take time to wash my face twice because I want to focus on the basics. It's usually hard to wash your face thoroughly when you come home from work because you’re tired. I dedicate around 20 minutes for this. I also try to be as gentle as possible when I rub my skin. I consciously drink water instead of soft drinks or coffee to get enough hydration, and take lactobacillus and vitamins in the morning. My skin started getting better afterwards.

Q. What kind of hobbies do you usually enjoy? Na Hyemi: I started exercising because I've become more interested in immunity and physical strength lately. I’m a ‘hearinyi’ (health+child) who can’t even lift all the barbells but consume proteins religiously (laughs). It’s too much for me to maintain a strict diet at the same time so I mainly focus on muscle exercise using equipment. There are various exercise methods introduced on YouTube so I tend to refer to them. I wasn't the type who enjoys working out but it’s fun because when I do, it relieve my stress. I'm also proud of myself for doing it consistently. (laughs) t/n: *eorinyi = child

Q. Do you meet your friends often when you’re on a break? Na Hyemi: I used to see them often, but we haven't seen each other this year because of filming drama and COVID-19. I don’t enjoy drinking alcohol so I like to chat while drinking coffee at quiet places the most. I have a lot of non-celebrity friends whom I’ve known since I was in school, so we can’t stop chatting when we see each other. Some are married while others are still working, so it’s good listening to their various stories. The day goes by fast when we share our updates or talk about old memories.

Q. Do you seek advice from your friends? Na Hyemi: Truthfully, I don't really have any worries these days. I'm not a multitasker, so I only think about my work when I’m involved in a project. Even now, my biggest concern and priority is how to lead “No Matter What” and my acting. I think about what I can do, and if it still doesn't work out, I'll ask the director or my costars for advice.

Q. You seem to be more active in your work after marriage. Na Hyemi: It wasn't intentional, but I once had a long break from acting. Back then, I had a lot of desire to work. While monitoring other popular dramas, I was eager to do a project as soon as soon as possible. But just because you want to act doesn't mean you get a chance to be in a project. I think in those days, I wasn’t able to get many chances because I was lacking a lot as an actor. I was depressed after going through a hard time, but these days, I'm just happy every day. I'm very grateful to be part of a drama series.

Q. What did you do during your break? Na Hyemi: I felt lethargic and sluggish when I wasn’t doing anything. So I learned a variety of things like Chinese and guitar. It’s actually embarrassing to say I was learning stuff because I didn't really learn one thing intensively so I didn't master anything properly. (laughs) But it was still a pleasant experience back then, and it was a vital factor for me to get through the hiatus.

Q. You debut was in 2001. What's the driving force that made you come this far? Na Hyemi: When I look back on my work, every moment of filming remains a great source of pleasure for me. There were definitely times when I was tired or faced with limitations, but it's a precious memory incomparable to anything else. I think that feeling gives me the power to continue on. I went to auditions with the mindset, 'I lacked these kinds of acting skills. I think I can do better from now on!' You can only check to see if you're doing well based on the works that you can learn from. I think I’ve come this far to get that opportunity. There's no limit for the desire to do well.

Q. Many people still think of the MBC sitcom “High Kick” when they think of Na Hye Mi. Na Hyemi: It’s amazing that it’s still loved by so many people when it was 13 years ago. I heard that related videos are often uploaded on YouTube and it was still airing on TV recently. Some people also tell me they enjoyed it. (laughs) I'm often asked if I dislike the “High Kick” association. I'm so honored. I had a lot of fun during the filming too. It's just embarrassing to see my old self as a rookie again. (laughs) I think I can do better if I were to film it again. I'd like to try a project like “High Kick” if I get a chance.

Q. You probably want to try changing your image through a role. Na Hyemi: Until now, I’ve played many roles where I was haughty, chic or dressed up in fancy clothes. From now on, I want to try a down to earth and comfortable character like the girl next door. I want to show a natural side of me that is not made up at all. I'd like to try out a profession like doctor. Since I haven't been on the screen for a long time, it would be also nice doing a movie. It doesn't matter a romance or comedy genre. I like anything that’s a different from the previous image of Na Hye Mi. I'm ready to work hard on anything. (laughs)

Q. What do you think makes a good actor? Na Hyemi: I think an actor who can express the feelings in the script well and convey their feelings to the viewers is a good actor. Moreover, I want to become an actor who is loved not only by the public but also by fellow actors and staff members that I work with. For that to happen, I should become a better person, right? From now on, I want to encourage myself by telling myself “Let’s do better than I am now.”

Source: Women Sense Translation: EricMun.tumblr

[ENG SUB] 10 Quick Question with Na Hyemi: What's Good About Being Married over Single? Woman Sense Cover Interview

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Original video by Women Sense

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veronicamarsconfessions · 4 years

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When Hulu announced it was reviving the cult favorite Veronica Mars for an eight-episode fourth season, the new episodes were initially referred to as a limited series. But in the year 2019, the phrase "limited series" also holds no meaning. If a show is successful enough, a network or streaming service will find a way to bring it back. Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas has been vocal about his desire to continue Veronica's story beyond this new season, which Hulu refers to as Season 4, while series star Kristen Bell would be happy to play the show's eponymous sleuth until "until everyone in Neptune is dead." And for most of Season 4, that felt like a real possibility.

Although the show may never again reach the exciting highs of that first season, for a little while, simply being in Veronica's orbit again was enough to keep viewers happy and entertained. However, in the wake of the shocking, and frankly unnecessary, death of Logan Echolls (Jason Dohring), whom Veronica married in the finale and who was a key part of the show's enduring legacy, it's difficult to see how the show can continue with the same level of fan support that twice brought it back from the dead. And yet, Thomas is still hoping it will.

"The hope we have going into these eight episodes is that we get to do more of them. And my belief is that those will be better with Veronica Mars as the lead of a noir detective series who does not have a boyfriend or a husband," Thomas explained to TV Guide. "In order for us to keep doing these, I think it needs to become a detective show — a noir, mystery, detective show — and those elements of teenage soap need to be behind us. I sort of viewed these eight episodes as a bridge to what Veronica Mars might be moving forward."

Thomas said he wants to continue Veronica Mars as a Sherlock-esque series, one that can hopefully return with new seasons whenever Thomas and Bell can make their schedules align. This hypothetical version of the series would find Veronica solving different cases around the country, and a significant other for the show's heroine apparently doesn't fit into that plan. But the power of the Logan-Veronica relationship and what it meant to fans of the show should not be underestimated. To assume that viewers would even be interested in a Logan-less Veronica Mars almost feels like a fundamental misreading of the fandom.

Of course, this isn't meant to suggest that Veronica Mars cannot exist without Logan — that would be to belittle Veronica and her many achievements; although Logan clearly left an indelible mark on her, Veronica has accomplished plenty on her own without him, and she will no doubt find similar success in the future, especially if she stays in therapy and learns healthy methods of coping with her trauma. But at the same time, Logan is still a major character who was both deeply loved by Veronica and greatly beloved by a number of the show's fans. His sudden death and the reasoning behind it feels like a betrayal that becomes even more painful when you consider Logan's secretive military career would have been an easy way of writing him out of future installments without piercing the hearts of fans everywhere.

Further explaining the difficult decision to kill off Logan, Thomas revealed he worries that whenever a show reaches a romantic conclusion — like, say, a wedding — it also reaches a finale of sorts, and he's not ready for Veronica Mars to be over. This argument not only feels a bit dated, but it also feels a little misguided when a show like Friday Night Lights has already proven that a happy couple in a lasting, loving relationship can make for compelling television, or when series like Bones, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Parks and Recreation have shown us that will-they, won't-they couples can get together without signaling the end of the road.

Knowing this, Logan's death feels needlessly cruel like it was a narrative decision seemingly meant only to further torment Veronica and leave her cold and isolated. While you can argue it serves to once again show just how resilient Veronica is in the face of adversity, how she always gets back up after the world has knocked her down, how much pain and heartache does Veronica have to go through before saying enough is enough? It's honestly exhausting. So, if fans are tired of seeing Veronica constantly having to endure a painful existence to somehow prove she's a great heroine and they choose to no longer watch the show because of this latest development, it's perfectly reasonable. And if fans are angry that Logan is dead and choose to no longer watch Veronica Mars because of this, it is pretty understandable too. However, even if fans can somehow stomach the idea of a Veronica Mars without Logan Echolls, Thomas' vision for the show's future raises more issues. Mainly, new seasons would find Veronica alone, separated from the town she knows and the people who call it home, and this would mean erasing yet another fundamental part of the show.

For four seasons (and a movie), Neptune and its inhabitants have added depth to its rich and rewarding story. Creators love to describe the location of a series as if it's a character in the story, and this is most often a frustrating sentiment that has lost all meaning through overuse, but Neptune is truly an example of a location that has played a major role in shaping not only the show's characters but also its ongoing narrative. Although the town is no longer the same as it once was — the class war and accompanying social commentary that dominated the series from the start is over after these eight episodes, as the town's wealthy elite have succeeded in pushing the working class out — that doesn't necessarily mean the best course of action is for Veronica to skip town and solve cases around the country. Like many shows before it, Veronica Mars is the story of a specific place, and if the show is to continue beyond these eight new episodes, it probably should remain committed to telling the stories of Neptune — at the very least Southern California — if for no other reason than the fact the show owes a lot to the exceptional supporting cast that calls it home and has brought its story to life since 2004.

After all, if Veronica leaves Neptune, where does that leave her father, Keith (Enrico Colantoni)? Thomas said the character may not make an appearance in hypothetical future seasons of the show, and that almost feels incomprehensible. Veronica's relationship with her father is the bedrock upon which the series has rested since the pilot. Even when the show was at its most uneven you could count on Veronica and Keith's powerful family dynamic to ground the story emotionally. And although Veronica is now an adult in her 30s, their relationship is the single most important relationship in her life in the wake of Logan's untimely death. To remove him from the equation entirely threatens to disrupt far more than the status quo, which is what Thomas's intention is by taking Veronica on the road. A Veronica Mars without Keith's stabilizing presence would make for a shell of a series, one that would only be further harmed if Veronica's chosen family — Wallace (Percy Daggs III), Mac (Tina Majorino), and Weevil (Francis Capra) — were to suddenly disappear from her life as well.

Now, the show hopes to minimize this instability by essentially skipping over Veronica's grieving period. As Thomas said, one of the reasons the season includes a flash-forward is so the series doesn't have to spend time actually depicting Veronica's grief. "Our bread and butter is being quick and funny, and I'm not sure it'd be to our benefit to living a year in Veronica's grief on our show," Thomas said, noting that by the end of the season Veronica is actually getting her feet back under her.

But even if Veronica has recovered from her latest trauma, Logan's death is still raw for viewers, and it's painful enough without having to consider that every familiar source of comfort could be ripped away at once in the potential next season. Even beyond the show's core supporting cast, Veronica Mars is home to a memorable motley crew who have brought Neptune to life, and their presence in future installments, no matter how small, would be a cool balm on fresh wounds. Plus, what does the show look like without them? Ryan Hansen's self-centered party king Dick Casablancas, Max Greenfield's charming Leo D'Amato, Ken Marino's skeezy private detective Vinnie Van Lowe, and Daran Norris' reliable public defender Cliff McCormack have all become fan favorites. They each play a necessary role in the show's ecosystem, much like the Fighting Fitzpatricks or the PCHers have done over the years.

Veronica Mars has excelled at building out its little corner of the world by populating it with unique but believable characters, and it's not to suggest that a version of the show that exists outside the world of Neptune won't be able to successfully reach the same depths or recreate that magic in the same way, but it will have to work a lot harder to do it, especially if future seasons once again have a limited episode count. Furthermore, even if new seasons turn out to be good, the truth is that a Veronica Mars outside of Neptune, one without any familiar faces in sight, would feel like a very different show, one that threatens to not feel like Veronica Mars at all.

Veronica Mars helped to usher in the tidal wave of revivals and reboots that is still washing over Hollywood some five years after the fan-funded feature film hit theaters, and when this second revival was first announced last year, I wrote that the show should also be the series that puts an end to that trend too. It was a plea in favor of originality at a time when original ideas felt about as impossible as a unicorn. I still believe this should be the end of the revival trend, but now it's because this is a classic case of the writers thinking so much about whether or not they could do something that they didn't stop to consider if they should. In the end, we got eight more episodes of Veronica Mars, but it came at a deadly cost, and now we live in a world where Logan Echolls is dead and Veronica Mars is leaving Neptune. Was it really worth it?

#Veronica Mars #Kristen Bell #Rob Thomas #HULU #Logan Echolls #news

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hyunjin-ius · 4 years

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Say What You Wanna (with my body)

Say What You Wanna (pt.I?)

Genre: Angst, little bit of smut,

Pairings: reader X Chris, reader X Changbin

Warnings: whore!reader, mention of prostitutes

Word count: 2,5K

Description: After all Chris might not be your happily ever after. But while you were blinded by said man, someone else might have just developed real feelings for you. How can a past whore deal with being loved or is it just lust playing the main role in her new relationship?

Writer’s note: Please please please for a better reading experience listen to Tujamo – Say What You Wanna. The whole story was inspired by this song. (ALSO I’m new to this whole writing thing moreover english is not my mother tongue, so please bear with me. Lastly, let me know if you want the story to be continued :D )

It’s been more than a month. More than a month that you and Chris have decided to seperate. It wasn’t exactly your choice. Chris have had his mind set. You weren’t asked questions, he wasn’t interested in your opinion either. Like lightning striking out of the blue he just snapped one day.

Waking up next to his body on that specific morning felt oddly strange to say the least. The past days were spent with nothing but work work and work. You at your 9-5 suddenly becoming 6-9 and Chris having a hard time with his comeback preparations. Both of you were exhausted and drained…and sadly the company of each other no longer lightend the mood or made your days better. Living together in your shared apartment ment that you couldn’t let loose even at home since the other one wanted to have a break, wanted to sleep, or in your case…wanted to cry. Frankly you felt the tension in the air, your 6th sense activated but you couldn’t vision what was coming your way. That morining Chris made you coffee as usual but after that he went to the balcony. You saw him lighting a cigarette which was unusual but a tell tale sign of him being extremely anxious. He was sipping on his coffee and puffing out dark grey smoke clouds into the air. You hated the fact that he was smoking. It was a well kept secret since him being a singer ment that his vocal chords needed special treatment which was not including cigarettes. You didn’t question him that morning. The rest of the day was spent quietly. Up until the moment you’ve said that you wanted to go out for lunch. You wanted to spend some quality time with your boyfriend of 4 years, wanted to dress up, wanted to look pretty for him. But Chris had other things in mind. He didn’t answer you. You were standing in your living room as far from each other as possible. You saw him tense up even more.

„I don’t think a lunch in town can solve our problems” was all that you got. Talking about your problems, you sure had a few. Your future together seemed darker and darker with each passing day. It took you 4 years to realize that. But you’ve felt strong enough to endure the hardships life was throwing at you. You’ve tried to talk to Chris countless times about your feelings. About him not being open enough about his plans with you. About the two of having no future together. He kept quiet about his feelings. It seemed like the two of you were match made in heaven. But from the inside it felt like you were matched with a person staright from hell.

You couldn’t deny the fact that Chris was beyond handsome, his body, his face, his charisma was indescribable. It was enough to pull you in. He was caring and loyal…to a point. It wasn’t easy with him being surrounded by hundreds of screaming girls all the time. You knew what was happening during their long tours, you knew that they were all enjoying the company of girls and boys after concerts. You weren’t an angel either to begin with. You’ve met Chris as one these girls after one of his gigs. It was all planned as usual. If people asked about your job you’d tell them that you work at a modelling agency. Modelling agency was the legal way of saying that you were a part-time prostitute. It really wasn’t your dream job of course. You just needed money and luckily had the face and body to achive such goals easier than others not as fortunate as you. The two of you met after the last concert of the first tour of Stray Kids. The company especially called for you to come and entertain one of the boys. You weren’t unfamiliar with Stray Kids but couldn’t name one of the members for the sake of your life. Then you came face to face with Chris. Turns out the boys were given pictures of that day’s whores and they were allowed to decide with whom do they want to spend the night. Chris choose you. He was eager to please you. The spark was between the two of you from the first second. His cock was hard for you from the moment you stepped into the dressing room. It was just the two of you and the sexual tension eating its way up in your bodies. He kissed you with such vigour that made you lightheaded. You weren’t used to this feeling. Feeling attached to one of your clients. But there you were making out with Chris while feeling him up through his jeans. The bulge in his pants was obvious from the start.

„Drop to your knees” he half ordered half asked you

Sucking on his cock was a marvellous experience. The boy was extremely vocal about how you made him feel with your mouth. You were expereinced at giving oral but you couldn’t remember the last time you had so much fun pleasuring a man. And boy did he pay back for your service. Eating you out, fingering you and really making you his bitch before entering you. You were pushed to one of the mirrors in the room. Trying to hold up with your hands on the mirror while Chris was pounding into you from behind wasn’t easy. He took his sweet time with you. Enjoying the view with the help of the mirrors even more. Suddenly piciking up his pace you knew he was close. Pulling his cock out of you he came on your bare back. He asked you to stay in place, he wanted to take photos of his cum splattered on the back of a whore. You were used to this as well. These boys had nothing but their bitches to help them out in situations like this. It wasn’t like they could go to the next bar to pick some girls up. They needed professionals who were able to keep their mouths shut about the dark side of the kpop industry. After taking the pics Chris cleaned you up with caring movements. It was obvious that he was into you. Usually idols would leave you behind with cum anywhere and everywhere on your body. You weren’t complaining. They wanted release not a relationship. But this time was different.

A few days later you were contacted by your agency. Chris wanted to spend the night alone with you. And this is story of how the two of you became madly in love. Chris wanted you as his girlfriend, but only if you could be his and only his. He helped you with finding a job at his company, and asked you to quit being a prostitute. Life was extremely difficult at that time. Balacing your not so usual job and your not so usual boyfriend made you depressed. The same depression that creeped its way into your everyday life after 4 years too. You knew that Chris still enjoyed the company of whores and that you were a whore in the past to begin with. You were afraid each and every day. When will Chris announce that he has found someone better, someone less depressed and less anxious? Or to put it simply when will he finally speak up about his emotions.

Eventually the day has arrived. You were in your living room which soon will only be his. The two of you looking at each other as strangers meeting for the first time.

„So” you started „Should I start packig my stuff?” you asked without a sign of anger. You were calm. You didn’t see it coming, but you weren’t one to play with. If he wanted to end things then you are going to be the one who has the last word. Chris didn’t say a thing. He looked down to the floor.

„I’ll take it as a yes!” you answered your own question. Looking around the apartment you didn’t really know where to start. Everthing was shared. Chris sensed your mood changing. In his mind he expected you to cry as you would usually do in pressuring situations. But you seemed to be everything but heart-broken. He decided to flee from you, from the moment. Brusing past you he grabbed his car keys and left the apartment.

More than a month has passed since. That was the last day the two of you talked. After he left the house you called one of your closest friends, explained your situation in a hurry and asked for her help. You moved to her flat temporarily until you could find something to rent alone. You were thankful to God and the higher powers that dispite the fact that Chris and you worked at the same company you haven’t crossed paths since the break up. You were not in the position to quit your job just because of Chris. You needed money now more than ever, which actually made you reconsider the hoe life and its pros and cons. Sure, years have gone by, you weren’t as young any more eventhough you were still in your early 20s. But now you were stronger than ever, and more experienced. You used to plan to live your life with Chris and only Chris. Now you were planning to live your life according to your rules and your rules only. You were constantly thinking about your opportunities and chances at life. You wanted to fix things with yourself.

One night your phone lit up signaling a new message. You were in the middle of apartment hunting on your laptop and paid little to no attention to the continous massage sounds and lights. Then the long forgotten skype window of your past ’modelling agency’ popped up on your laptop.

„Playing hard to get huh?” accoring to skype the message was written by one of your past bosses.

„So Chris is cancelled right?” came the second text right after the first one. Curiosity take over you and you reached for your phone. Unlocking the screen you saw nothing but the name ’Seo Changbin’ everywhere. You weren’t exactly close to anyone in Stray Kids except for Chris of course. You would see each other come and go in the company, but none of the boys were a fan of mingling their professional life and private life. Altough spending so much time together it was only natural that some of them would open up to each other. You knew that Chris was extremely close to Changbin and Jisung. The three of them being the heart and soul of Stray Kids. But now you were bewildered. What does Changbin want from you?

„You really went as far as reaching for me on skype?” you typed on your phone as an answer to Changbin’s many questions regarding the Chris situation.

„I’d say im persistent” Changbin knew about your past life. After your first time with Chris the boy sent the photos of your back covered in his cum to their group chat. Just another thing that came natural to them after a good fuck. The next day you’ve found yourself in Changbin’s lap. He was different from Chris in many many ways. Sex with him was more about executing his commands. But it wasn’t any less pleasurable. It was actually nice to being told what to do. Changbin always got what he wanted. Just like how he was able to write to you in the name of your past boss. After Chris have officially asked you out you had to cut ties with everyone from the prostitute industry. You hated to admit it but it felt nice that someone was paying attention to you again. Especially since it was coming from Changbin. You knew far well why he was so eager to talk to you now. Changbin always voiced his thoughts, something you were not familiar with while you were living with Chris.

It went against all your instincts but you’ve decided to give in and meet Changbin. You knew how to play this game. Now more than ever you wanted to be the one who’s in charge. You’ve had enough with Chris, you were fed up with boys not speaking their mind, leaving you in the dark. But knowing Changbin you shouldn’t have worried about the man not voicing his thoughts. Especially thoughts concerning you. You’ve met in a high end restaurant open only for idols and their guests, since going to just any place still wasn’t an option. Small talk was really not Changbin’s cup of tea yet the two of you’ve managed to keep the conversation going. Changbin was calm and collected during the meal. It seemed like he had planned everything in advance. He was wearing a black silk shirt, the material enhancing his taut chest. Catching feelings for him wasn’t difficult.

„Does Chris know that we are here together?” you asked out of curiosty while sipping on your wine. Changbin looked at you with fire in his eyes

„It’s none of his bussiness to know how and with whom I spend my freetime” his answer came strained. You didn’t mean to anger him. You just wanted to know if they were still talking about you. After his reaction you were sure that your name was a sensitive topic between the boys.

„Chris fucked up your life more than needed” Changbin continued after a while „You two shouldn’t have crossed the line back then”

„Well” you interrupted him „He was the one who wanted the relationship. I was fine with being one of his whores”

„Exactly” Changbin smiled and nodded „You shouldn’t have crossed the line” he repeated. A short pause came before he started to talk again „He never really knew what he wanted to do with you other than fucking you 7/11. It was a pain in the ass to witness all the shit you’ve been through just to stay with him. And to see how Chris was about to throw you out one day”

„Don’t tell me that you knew what was going on between us” you exclaimed both in surprise and disbelief

„Not between the two of you” Changbin rectified „I just saw your struggles from outisde and somehow I was able to put the pieces together” he finished his thoughts. You remained silent. Your mind on the other hand was louder than ever. Maybe it was obvious from the start that you weren’t made for each other. Maybe everyone saw it but you. You wanted your relationship to work but mainly because of Chris. He wanted a girlfriend, someone who was there for him through thin and thick. But what was your motive other than pleasing Chris at every given chance? What did you get in return from Chris that you couldn’t get from any other men?

„Changbin” you started after a while. Looking deep in the eyes of the man sitting across you „Do you know what you want from me?” Changbin smirked at your question.

„Isn’t it obvious?”he whispered

#skz #skz fanfiction #skz fic #Bang Chan #Bang Chan fic #Seo Changbin #Seo Changbin fic #Changbin #Bang Chan smut #Say what you wanna #Stray Kids fic #stray kids fanfiction #stray kids

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sapphos-darlings · 4 years

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I’m proud of my mother. She was born in the 50s into a conservative family, if you can consider them conservative in rural Finland in the 50s - the father brought in the food, the mother stayed home tending to a flood of kids never having the energy for all of them, leaving them often on their own to look after each other, hoping they’d all make it through the day but in the end, no one had the time to make sure. They were hunters and farmers, traditionally Christian as far as I can tell. The community they lived in had a lesbian couple that everyone knew about but nobody talked about; it was taboo and shameful. Being gay wasn’t right. My mum’s straight, too, so this was easy for her to internalize.

She became a mother late at at 37. I’m her only child. First, I was gnc. She wanted a daughter she could dress up pretty and pamper. I wanted nothing to do with dresses and my favourite way to pass the time was to climb trees and roll around in mud. My mum gave up on the dresses very fast. I played with wooden swords and bows that my dad and my neighbours built me. The neighbours told my parents I’d grow up to be a vegan feminist activist, in words that made sense for the time. Everyone knew I was strange.

My dad was mostly drunk and away from home, so my mum raised me much on her own. She never implied in any manner that what I was doing was wrong or improper or that I wasn’t good as I was. I had sleepovers with girls and boys all the way until early teenage, at which point we separated naturally. She once told me she was afraid what’d happen when I’d first have “boy troubles”. I never had boy troubles. She wasn’t prepared for the troubles I was going to have, though.

At 10 years old, we went to a concert together. I fell in love with the singer of the band and spent my next two years fawning over him. I think at this stage, everything was going as intended. I don’t think she even remembers this phase now, because last year, she asked me in all honesty if I’m a lesbian.

I’m not a lesbian, but you might not know that.

I was scared that I was when I turned 12 and found myself attracted to Avril Lavigne’s promo picture in a CD store. I got over my freakout in about ten minutes, but my attraction to women (not Lavigne) survived. At 14, I was involved in a weird relationship with a girl my age. I don’t remember much of it other than that I was very bad at playing relationship, and I feel guilty she left her girlfriend for that mess. At 15, I fell in love for the first time with a girl I’d love for the next decade, desperately, painfully. Between there somewhere, maybe at 13, my mum found me crying in a closet because my best friend had a crush on me and I was scared to tell her I didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. My mum stumbled over the word “boy” when she asked what “he” wanted of me. I know she knew then, but we never voiced it.

I met a crossdressing gay guy around that time. He went by the name Cherry and wore cybergoth outfits and makeup, and he turned 18 a couple weeks after I met him. My mum let me go to his birthday party and stay until 1am, and later go visit him in the capital on my own over multiple occasions, once personally meeting him and giving him a hug. He was wearing platform boots and hair extensions and probably fishnets on some part of his body. She loved him because he was like a big brother to me, and never questioned the way he presented himself or worried about him being a bad influence to me, because he made me happy and I felt safe and excited to be with him. I also had a major crush on him which I think everyone was well aware of, but it was a safe crush, because I was 13 and he was 18 and like a big brother to me, and I was a girl and he was gay and everyone knew that, too.

When I was 16 and we went on a vacation in Europe, I spent all of my time finding the means to talk to the girl I loved at all times. I racked up an insane phone bill and couldn’t care less about the Pride parade in Rome, because I would rather lock myself up in an overheated Internet shack that was no wider than our bathroom at home to talk to her for hours online. Then she met another girl and chose her to be her girlfriend, only to tell me years later she hadn’t chosen me because she was too afraid of losing me, which made no sense to me. I felt like my world had ended. I didn’t stop crying for weeks and I signed myself up in a hospital because I was afraid I’d kill myself over the heartbreak.

I think it was around that time I started going to Pride, too, but regularly only when I met my next girlfriend around 18. I was always scared to go to Pride, not because I was afraid of showing I was LGBT but because I was scared of being the target of an attack like a bombing or a shooting. One year, we were the target of a gas attack, but I didn’t even know that, because I was marching at a different section of the parade and only heard about it later in the news. I don’t know if my mum was aware we were dating then with this girl, but I think she did. I think at this stage she’d already settled on me being a lesbian, it was just unspoken between us. She’d once asked me, because I wrote fanfiction most of my teenage and I always showed it off to her because I was proud of what I was writing and it never occurred to me it might have been inappropriate or offensive that I was writing about gay relationships. She vehemently denied this for years, because according to her, she’d never spoken the word “lesbian” in her life, much less referring to me.

She did speak it, last year, though. I do believe she spoke it when I was a child, too, when she asked me if I was a lesbian. I know she did. I said I wasn’t, because I’m not, but I understand that the evidence stacked up against me. Obsession with same-sex media, Pride parades, girlfriends, girl crushes, heartbreaks over girls, never once a mention of a real boyfriend or any material boy crush aside from those I had to a few chosen celebrities, fictional characters and idols, all of whom were unattainable and never as strong and overwhelming as the love I so obviously felt for women - I don’t blame her for thinking I was a lesbian. I’m not sure if “bisexual” entered her vocabulary at any time before last year.

At 19, I came out to her as transgender. She said she didn’t understand but that she’d try her best and support me no matter what as long as I would be happy, and what I was doing was making me happier, as I was obviously unhappy and struggled with difficult mental health issues for most of my life. She accompanied me to my meetings at the gender clinic and spoke with my doctors and nurses to understand. She tried her best to remember my pronouns when speaking in English, and even though she failed and has always failed, she did learn to call me by my new name without a fault. She’s never regarded me as a man of any sort and that’s alright, because I had and have her support no matter what. So here we were for the main part of my 20s - she thought I was a lesbian and knew I’m transsexual.

It’s only these past two years we’ve really talked about any of this. That’s the size of the taboo she was raised with in terms of the LGBT matters. She might have asked me once if I was a lesbian before, but even to herself, she’s denied ever voicing that word. Last year, or a bit over, when I was 27 or 28, she finally did consciously voice the question over the phone: am I a lesbian?

No. But that was the first time I ever vocally came out as a bisexual. I’ve never hidden it, but I’ve never come out either. I’ve always just either “been” or left it unspoken. All my friends have always known, and all of the Internet has always known, and I’ve never kept it a secret, but within the family, it’s been unspoken.

She was alright with that. We talked about my transition a little bit, if I was happy with it, if it made me happier, or if I regretted it. (It made me happier, I’m happy with it. She was relieved to hear that.) Other than that, we’ve never spoken of it, but all of this is why I respect my mum more than I probably have ever respected anybody else.

I’m everything she was taught to think of shameful and bad her whole life, everything she struggled to accept as a part of “normal”, as something natural. I’m exclusively female-oriented bisexual, gender non-conforming, and a diagnosed and transitioned transsexual. She couldn’t possibly have a child deeper in the LGBT than I am. And not once in my life did she make me feel like I wasn’t good as I am, like I wasn’t allowed to be myself and express who I am and look up to the people I did. She always made sure I’d be safe to her best ability, but her concern never restricted my freedom to be myself and explore my identity, and her concern was never made to be my problem, or something I had to take responsibility of.

And this year, because the pandemic had moved the Pride parade by a few months and because that meant that my best friend (that girl I dated when I was 18) probably couldn’t join me because of her career situation, I asked mum if she’d come with me to Pride, because I don’t want to go alone. I fully expected this to be the last thing she couldn’t do. Earlier, she’d asked me to come to a gay movie with her because she really wanted to see it but couldn’t make herself go alone. That had been a throughoutly difficult experience for her - yes, she’d enjoyed the movie, but it had made her feel very conflicted because of the values she’d been raised with and the prejudices she was trying to fight. A Pride parade just seemed way beyond there - I just needed to ask because yes, I did need someone to go with, but also because I wanted to show her that I wanted to take her, and that she’s welcome to be a part of my life even in the ways that we’ve always been afraid to discuss. I’m happy to share my identity with her openly, because she’s been accepting and understanding of it and never given me a reason to feel like I can’t be honest with her. It was more symbolic than anything. And like I expected, she did hesitate, but what I didn’t expect was that she’d tell me “yes”.

I’ve never been more proud of her than at that moment. I know how much it means to her to say “yes, I will come with you to Pride”. She had to reassure herself that for her, it doesn’t mean anything else than that she’s proud of me, and supports who I am and my right and the right of everyone like me to be who we are. I reassured her about it too - Pride is full of straight allies. Pride is full of parents, partners and children, even dogs and horses of people who are LGBT. She’s not making a statement about herself by being there. She doesn’t need to come out as gay to join Pride with me. She can just be there for me.

But it means the world to me that she agreed.

I’ve quite literally never been the girl she wanted me to be, and my friends were never the friends she imagined her child having when she was planning for me. But she’s never, in any manner, implied or let me think that she didn’t love me. She’s never made me feel like I wasn’t right for being who I am. She never let her doubts or questions or concerns or prejudices keep me from living my life and pursuing happiness as it came to me. Not once.

And for that, I’m proud of her. I couldn’t have a better mother.

#wlw #bisexuality #bisexual #pride #lgbt #mod sade #c: sade

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parvatibrownpatil · 4 years

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❝ and for his askance, as he considered women feeble, weak creatures, was that only a female could kill him. imagine his surprise then, when the Goddess Kali appeared, a necklace of demon heads like his around her neck, her power far overshadowing his. ❞ Merlin’s beard, what is ( PARVATI BROWN-PATIL ) doing out at this hour? For a ( HALF-BLOOD ) who is ( 47 ) years old, ( SHE ) really ought to know better. You know, I hear that they’re aligned with ( THE ORDER ), but that could be just a rumor. I do know that they're ( CISFEMALE ) and a ( GRYFFINDOR ) alum who works as a ( MAGICAL CREATURE CONSERVATIONIST ) though. They're very (STEADFAST) and (ROMANTIC) but also quite (ALOOF) and (JUDGEMENTAL), which could be why they remind of (READING TAROT CARDS AND GAZING INTO CRYSTAL BALLS, STARING AT THE STARS BUT WORKING ON THE GROUND, SKIN TURNED TO PORCELAIN TO IVORY TO STEEL, BEARING THE NAME OF A GODDESS KNOWN FOR BEAUTY AND POWER). Some people say they’re the spitting image of ( JANINA GAVANKAR ), but I��ve never heard of them. Word on the street is that they're ( THE GUARDIAN ) and their prophecy is ( PROPHECY #33. ), but only time will tell if that's true or not. [ JESS, 23, SHE/HER, AEST ]

Though born in one of the wizarding cities of Mumbai, the Patil family moved to London when Parvati was five. Their parents were exceptional healers who had been offered a prominent research position at St. Mungo’s for several years. It was only after the threat of Voldemort had passed that they were comfortable in taking the offer, moving their family to London, where the twins grew up in the heart of Wizarding society. As important Senior Healers, the Patils were frequent presences at Ministry functions and their twin daughters had a wide aquaintance with pureblood and half-blood wixen of their own age before starting school. .

[ABLEISM TW] Suddenly living in what seemed like an entirely different world, a very dreary and colourless one in comparison to the warm and bright home she’d been used to, was difficult for Parvati. She struggled to learn a new language - unlike her sister, Padma, for whom it seemed to come easily. It was a pattern that would follow them throughout their entire childhood and make the experience of being a twin a painful experience. Parvati was a slow, painful learner, ultimately preferring to talk in class rather than work, while Padma usually had her head to the books. Parvati’s behaviour was really a delaying tactic, she didn’t just dislike school, she found it near impossible. It took years to discover she was dyslexic and even then no-one in the family said the word. Dyslexia was something Muggles had, not wixen. It didn’t help that Parvati’s mother, belonging to an important Indian pureblood family, had married a Muggle-born. While their family was relaxed about blood purity and intermarrying, her pureblood cousins nonetheless saw her supposed learning disorder as a consequence, a Muggle taint, and would frequently tease her about it. [END TW]

So it wasn’t spoken about. Rather they just begun categorising the twins: Padma was the quiet, smart one, while Parvati was the social, pretty one. It didn’t take long before Parvati entirely believed this. At Hogwarts, it was no different. Like all the other first years, they were actually categorised - Padma to Ravenclaw, the smart house, and Parvati, to Gryffindor. It hurt receiving this confirmation of what she’d suspected for years, particularly when people were so astonished to see twins sorted to different houses. Siblings usually went together, everyone said. Weren’t all six of the Weasley brothers, including a set of twins, Gryffindors? As much as she tried to convince herself that Padma hadn’t been good enough for Gryffindor, Parvati knew the truth was that she hadn’t been good enough for Ravenclaw. After spending time with her housemates, it became quickly apparent to her that Gryffindors weren’t really known for their intelligence. Considering she had long since believed she lacked intelligence, Parvati accepted her place there. Truthfully, she belonged there for other reasons, always bold and defensive of others, she was the first Gryffindor first year to stand up for Neville Longbottom against the Slytherins. From a young age, Parvati took up her role as a protector, someone who can’t stand to see others hurt. This would continue for the rest of her life.

Being in different houses meant she and Padma rarely had time to spend together. They went from being attached at the hip to mostly seeing each other from across tables at the Great Hall, as they exchanged skeptical looks regarding the bland English dinner served. But the real reason they spent less time together was the close bond Parvati had established almost immediately upon meeting Lavender Brown. They were instant best friends - perhaps because their third roommate, Hermione Granger, was so offputting and unlikable. Parvati and Lavender, however, shared a love for ‘girly’ things, dissecting an issue of Witch Weekly on the first train ride together and never looking back. Together, they could giggle and gossip and talk about anything. While Padma might have felt replaced, Parvati never saw it that way. It wasn’t a sister substitute she was getting in Lavander, but a best friend. Someone she always wanted to be around, someone she felt connected to beyond words - even if she didn’t quite understand why yet.

While Parvati was someone who didn’t like bullies and was vocal against them, her love for Lavendar and distaste for Hermione meant she ignored the way the close friendship between two of the Gryffindor girls ostracized, and at times, was deliberately cruel, to the third. Though she claimed to find Hermione bossy and annoying, Parvati would never admit that she was jealous of Hermione’s intelligence and how easily schoolwork seemed to come to her. For Parvati, it remained anything but. She struggled with reading in particular, made worse by how often schoolwork at Hogwarts used Latin words. In addition to Marathi and English, having to decipher a third language felt like an insurmountable task. So Parvati’s preference were for classes that were practical more than theoretical. For the first few years, this mostly meant Defence Against the Dark Arts. Come third year, Parvati found a new subject to love with all of her heart. Divination. Finally, she could say she loved reading, when it meant reading crystal balls and tarot cards, reading symbols and images. They made sense. And Parvati was good at it - finally, she was considered the smart one by someone, even if it was Professor Trewlawney, who everyone else laughed at. Parvati believed completely in everything Trewlawney said, considering the witch her favourite teacher.

Fourth year was when everything changed. The war began, of course, but really, what Parvati was worrying about most at the end of the year was whether the boy from Beauxbatons was really going to write to her, as he’d promised. She wanted a boyfriend, it was what she was supposed to have, but there was something intensely comfortable about the idea of a boyfriend in quill & parchment form. Someone who lived in France, that she’d never have to see again, but all the same, she could say she had one. Unattainable boys were the only ones Parvati really liked, hence why all year she’d singled out Harry Potter as her crush. When Lavender had told her she was going to the Yule Ball with Seamus, Parvati had felt strange about it, though she hadn’t known why. She’d tried to be thrilled when Harry had asked her out and some part of her did feel special, that the hero of their year had chosen her, that everyone would be talking about her, looking at her. Of course, that didn’t last long considering Harry had paid about as much attention to her at the ball as he might have to a lacewing fly.

Worse was the moment Hermione Granger had come in, looking so beautiful Parvati thought she might lose the power of speech altogether. Parvati had realised then what she might have always known deep down: she was attracted to other girls, not to boys. She just wasn’t ready to admit it. So when the boy from Beauxbatons had come to ask her to dance, she saw him not just as her saviour from boredom at the hands of Harry Potter, but as her way to keep ignoring the truth about herself. She told anyone who would listen how much she liked him and how much he liked her and made plans to keep writing when they were apart. Of course she was horrified when Cedric Diggory died, horrified at hearing Voldemort had returned - but none of that felt real. Not in comparison to the relief she felt at knowing she wouldn’t have to kiss the boy from Beauxbatons again once he was at a safe distance back in France. Or in comparison to how afraid she was about what she had felt towards Hermione at the dance and even worse, the deeper feelings she thought she might have towards Lavender. The wider horror of the war was yet to sink in.

It wouldn’t until long after she joined Dumbledore’s Army. When she returned in fifth year, Parvati was determined to ignore any romantic feelings she might harbour towards girls. She was also still embarrassed that she was attracted to Hermione of all people, who was still as much of a bossy know-it-all as ever (a crush she would never admit to, even later in life). Joining the DA was an easy decision. Parvati was loyal to her fellow Gryffindors in particular and this soon extended to the rest of their makeshift student army. Her family had always stood against blood prejudice, and for Parvati it was personal, since her father was Muggle-born. Still, at first the DA was more about standing up to Umbridge than anything else. It didn’t feel like a war yet, and Parvati saw Umbridge as yet another bully to take a stand against.

Sixth year was when things began to feel more serious. Not that she hadn’t believed Harry before, but now that everyone knew the truth ... the existence of war was more credible. Parvati’s parents also began speaking about pulling the girls out of school, of returning to India to escape the end of the war. This Parvati resisted - even though they were no longer running the DA and at this point she certainly didn’t think she or the students of Hogwarts would ever be called upon to fight in the war (except perhaps Harry). But maybe some part of her did know, because she couldn’t stand the idea of leaving her friends. And especially, she couldn’t stand the idea of leaving Lavender.

It was the year Parvati finally understood her feelings for her best friend, helped by the new bane of her existence, Ron Weasley. Together Ron and Lavender were almost completely unbearable and Parvati could no longer deny she was jealous. She tried to avoid spending as much time with them as possible and felt sympathy for Hermione, who was clearly in love with Ron. Maybe it was better for Parvati, because no one else knew she was in love with Lavender, or maybe it just hurt more because at least everyone also knew that Ron was in love with Hermione in return, whereas she was certain Lavender only saw her as a friend. Most of her year was consumed with trying to hide these feelings.

Seventh year was when the war was finally, finally real. Though Parvati had managed to talk her parents out of pulling her out of school in sixth year, they had done so after Dumbledore’s death, not even letting the twins stay for the funeral. The family seriously discussed all leaving the country after that, but Parvati still wanted to stay. In the end, they made the difficult decision as a family for her Muggle-born father to return to Mumbai, while their mother would stay at St. Mungo’s and attempt to protect the patients. They believed that with their family’s main target protected and out of the way, the rest of them could stay safe.

Parvati felt as though she became a different person that year. She had always been powerful - DADA was one of her better classes and under Harry’s instructions she’d mastered the Reducto curse (I understand why the movies gave this scene to Ginny but can we give it up for the OG powerhouse, Parvati Patil?). But she’d also always been giggly and a tiny bit shallow, more concerned with herself than with the wider world. This year that changed. While many members of the DA took risks to stand up to Snape and the Carrows, Parvati was right alongside them. In particular, she did her best to protect the younger students, aware that she wasn’t one of the leaders or the heroes, but she could make a small difference by trying to take care of the people who needed her most.

It was a horrible year and every day she had woke up feeling terrified, but Parvati had felt powerful too, perhaps for the first time in her life. In comparison, her anxiety about her sexuality began fading away and she was encouraged to take a personal risk and finally confess her feelings for Lavender. (Keeping this vague because I’d love to plot out a relationship with a Lavender player!).

In the final battle, she fought alongside Dean, duelling Travers and Dolohov together. Parvati hadn’t wanted to leave Dean defenseless since he hadn’t had a wand, so she’d made a point of sticking by him. Because of that, she was separated from Lavender and bitterly regrets that she wasn’t there to help her against Greyback’s attack. It remains one of the things that most haunts her nightmares.

In the aftermath of the war, Parvati was at a loss for what to do next. She returned to school to finish her seventh year, but she hadn’t come away with especially brilliant results. Her best subject had always remained Divination. She also liked Care of Magical Creatures, with a fondness for animals, especially loving unicorns - Grubbly Plank’s lesson on them had been Parvati’s all-time favourite - but she hadn’t continued it after OWLs. This was because of Professor Hagrid. Unlike many Gryffindors, Parvati hadn’t much liked Hagrid. It wasn’t because he was half-giant - at least not entirely. Having grown up with dark tales about giants, Parvati did harbour some prejudice, but mostly she found him frightening and a poor teacher, who focused far too much on monsters for her liking. She regretted it somewhat after school when she left with average NEWTs only in Divination, DADA, Charms and Herbology. There was little she could do with those subjects and she once more felt inadequate in comparison to her brilliant sister.

For a while she had worked as the assistant in a divination shop, but it didn’t feel like her passion in life. After a few years, she got back in contact with Professor Grubbly-Plank and with the witch’s encouragement, did a Kwikspell course in magical creature management. With this, she started working for a unicorn sanctuary and eventually worked her way up to being the manager, as she is today. The sanctuary provides a free and wild environment for unicorns, which are often hunted illegally, for the magical properties of their blood, and legally, considering their use in wandmaking. Parvati also takes in damaged unicorns and heals them, as well as advocates for the prevention of unicorn hunting. Considering unicorns prefer to be around women, the staff is made up almost entirely of witches. This of course includes all witches, including transgender women, who the unicorns welcome and adore. Parvati cares deeply about creating a safe space for LGBTIQA+ wixen, given her experiences when she was young and felt out of place.

Parvati now lives on the unicorn sanctuary, with her wife Lavender and their children. (I’d love people to take up the Brown-Patil children! I have no real thoughts on them and would prefer to leave it open for people to create them themselves but just putting it out there that I’d love some kids!

The rise of the second war brought up all Parvati’s old trauma. She is particularly afraid for her family. The deaths of Harry and later, Neville, were each a cause of devastation for her - their old cohort had remained close over the years. She was also terrifed as to what the rest of them would do without the two men who she still looked to as leaders. This was especially true when it came to Harry - still a fervent believer in divination, Parvati never doubted that he was the one referred to as the saviour of them all once again. In her heart of hearts, she believes the Knights did the rest thing in restoring him to life and thinks she might even have done the same. It is clearly fated, after all - Harry is now truly a living revenant and will save them all. The loss of Neville is something that breaks her heart, but she understands the Knights were unaware that it would happen. Frankly, she wouldn’t have minded seeing a Wraith fall in exchange for Harry, as she has no doubt his memories will be restored to him, allowing him to step up as he did before.

However, Parvati remains a member of the Order of the Phoenix, determined to play her part as well. She had joined as soon as it had been restarted, and offered up the unicorn sanctuary as another refuge for the Order, considering how wide ranging and magically protected it was. She currently uses the international contacts she’s gathered from transporting injured unicorns to and from the sanctuary to help targets of the Wraiths get out of England and into hiding, as much of a dauntless protector of others as she has always been.

Parvati is also fairly certain that Prophecy #33 belongs to her:

THE GUARDIAN will not be remembered. They will be completely written out of the history books, and the world will ultimately forgot their name. Almost as though they never existed in the first place.

Nothing in it surprised her - she knows her place is to protect others, rather than to play a significant role herself. It’s always been that way and Parvati has long since accepted it. While part of her is bitter over the knowledge that she will once more be ultimately insignificant, not good enough to really make a difference, she knows there are more important things, such as making certain her loved ones remain safe.

#rev intros

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afoolforatook · 4 years

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A RWBY V7 Ep12 rant.....When I say this is long..... Legit was fucking 37 pages double spaced at one point. Sorry....

Before this gets started I want to warn you, this is long (even longer than I thought it’d be going in). It’s probably too long ... actually it is definitely too long but if I agonize over editing it down again and again I won’t get it up before the finale. It’s probably repetitive at times, and most certainly not anything I’ll be showing off as an example of my top essay writing. And I want to be able to say that the length pays off because I have some grand hopeful insight at the end. I want to say I know things will be okay. But the fact that I can’t is exactly why I’m writing this, and why it’s so long. So if you need this to have a hopeful ending, I’m sorry, I don’t have one for you currently. I want to, so badly. But to me false hope would be even worse. So if you can’t handle another long post that doesn’t end with a way to fix things, it’s okay, take care of yourself. But maybe the most hopeful thing I can tell you, and tell you up front, is that you aren’t alone in your pain.

I want to preface this all with one more thing: I don’t hate CRWBY. I respect them, support them. I’ve wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt as much as I could. That doesn’t mean I can’t criticize them or expect more from them or just be plain angry with them. I can be vocal about all of that without harassing them, without hating them. I don’t think they’re just plain evil or homophobic. I still want to believe that they can do things that will allow me to trust them again. Maybe it’s naive, but I want to, at the very least, still have hope that this wasn’t malicious, just very poorly conceived and executed.

And I know that other people who are hurting like me are lashing out towards CRWBY. And while I don’t at all condone that kind of reaction, I can understand it to an extent. Because I’m very, very hurt and angry and it would be so easy to let loose and say all the awful stuff I want to in my anger. To yell and call people out and not care how I come across. It would definitely be a lot easier than spending all week writing this long thing and agonizing over making it perfect. There is nothing wrong with venting and being raw and open and angry, but just as we want CRWBY to be aware that their actions can truly hurt people, we need to be conscious of the fact that so can ours. Many people are very hurt right now. And whether or not you think it was queerbaiting/BYG or not, or even whether or not you just think it was bad writing, no one has the right to invalidate the people who are hurting right now, many of whom are queer people dealing with personal traumas and mental illness.

The few people who are attacking CRWBY and other fans (and there is a difference between being angry and vocal about that anger and just attacking them) do not invalidate the hurt people are feeling. If you are hurt or angry you have every right to be. You have every right to stop watching the show or leave the fandom, or communicate your hurt to CRWBY. But communicate means just that; communicate. Talk. You can be as angry as you are, you don’t have to temper your pain to be more tolerable to the people who caused that pain. But there is a difference between being harsh and honest about how hurt you are, and harassing real people. And I won’t say “harassing real people over a fictional character/show” because I know it’s more complicated than that. My hurt this past week isn’t over a fictional character or a ship. It’s about me and what I’ve been through and the fact that the very thing that gave me strength in hard times was turned into something that confirmed my biggest fears and hurt me immensely.

The world always gets so sentimental when we see things about fictional stories giving people some comfort, and we celebrate that. But as soon as people say they can be hurt just as much by media, we lash out, say they’re overreacting, that they’re just getting upset over fictional characters. But you can’t have it both ways. We can’t want fiction to be important and inspiring to people and then belittle people who are negatively impacted by the same material, especially when often that vulnerability comes from a history of trauma and/or being neurodivergent. I am extremely hurt. I feel betrayed and abandoned and angry. And it will take time for me to process all of that and move past it. But I can be all of those things without attacking CRWBY or the people who might disagree with me.

To me, this isn’t about disagreeing. We can argue forever about whether or not this was queerbaiting or bury your gays or poor writing (and I honestly at this moment don’t even know what I think about all of that because I’m not in that headspace currently) but the fact is that there are many, many people who feel it was, and who are hurting because of that, and whether you believe it was or not does not give you the right to invalidate the real pain that they are feeling. Who is right is less important than the fact that people, people who were already vulnerable, have been hurt. So, please. Respect each other. Respect those who are hurting. Respect those who aren’t and don’t understand, and respect CRWBY. You can still be angry and speak out without attacking others.

With that said, to fully understand why this has affected me so much, and why it’s going to take a long time for me to get back to where I was, regardless of how the volume ends, there are things you need to know about my history. It’s a lot of background and this is already going to be a longer post than I’d really like, but it’s important to understanding why RWBY is so important to me, and thus able to have such a negative effect on me. So please, bear with me. Also, fair warning, though at this point it’s probably obvious, but my story isn’t happy. I still haven’t found my own positive ending to it. If it’s too much for you to read right now, please, like I said before, take care of yourself.

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Farley. I’m 24, nonbinary (they/them), biromantic, demisexual. I have MDD, GAD, ADHD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Comorbid PTSD, and am trying to get an official autism diagnosis. I’m a full on alphabet soup. I struggle with imposter syndrome, intrusive thoughts, self-isolation, dermatillomania, and multiple trauma related phobias. My queer and neurodivergent identities are huge parts of my life and I try to be as open as possible about them, in the hopes of helping end the stigma around them. One of the main ways I cope with my mental health issues on a day to day basis is through hyperfixations. While it might not technically be the healthiest method, it’s what I’ve found to work for me when I’m in a really bad place and unable to practice more active coping skills. Through stories and characters that I relate to, I can separate my problems from myself a little and both escape from them for a while when needed, and view them a little more clearly from a new perspective.

That’s some important info about me, but what really matters here is the past five years of my life and the trauma within them.

In October of 2015, a few months into my sophomore year of college, I went into a deep depression, mostly brought on by multiple family deaths and stresses over the past summer that I had not properly had time to process and recover from. I quit my job as an RA and withdrew from school and moved back home with my parents. While this was the right decision at the time, it wasn’t easy. I left a very close group of friends at school, and didn’t really have a strong support system at home aside from my parents. My friends from high school had all gone off to college themselves, and the few that still lived in town were often busy with work or school. And because I have an intense fear of driving and needed time to get myself in a better place before starting a job, I ended up spending most of my time home alone. I became more and more isolated, to the point of verging on agoraphobic, and my parents and I started thinking about ways I could basically get my life started again.

But isolation messes with your head, and makes you want to just isolate more and more. In mid February of 2016 I started to really work on being social again. Mostly because I started talking to my best friend from high school, Emma, regularly again. She knew I was struggling, and while I’ve always had a hard time keeping in touch with people, Emma has always been the person I never felt self conscious about going to. We talked everyday. After high school, Emma’s mom and younger brother had moved to Ohio (I live in NC) and Emma had gone to school in Oregon. Her father lives in Germany. So between visiting her family in Ohio and Germany she didn’t have a lot of time during breaks to come back to NC to visit friends. Since we graduated I’d only seen her once for about 12 hours during that awful summer. But now we were skyping and chatting everyday. And slowly I started to be less and less scared of being more social. I wanted to hang out with friends. I was excited about going back to school in the fall.

Something important to understand about me and Emma is how close we’ve always been. We’d been best friends since 8th grade. We told each other we were soulmates, soulfriends, when we were 15. Nearly everyone in our small high school thought we were dating at one time or another. I always knew I loved her. I was fine with our relationship being “only” platonic. Because platonic wasn’t “only”. It was absolutely perfect. It was having her as one of the most important people in my life, and me in hers, and that’s all I wanted. But I also knew that if she ever wanted to try a romantic relationship, I’d be open.

Around the time I left school Emma had been going through a lot herself. She was finally getting help for her own mental health issues and she was, for the first time, really thinking about her identity and sexuality. On May 4th 2016 she texted me like always, but this time she was nervous. She wanted to tell me something. She said she was still confused about her sexuality and didn’t know where she fell. But when she tried to think of being with someone, the only person she pictured was me. And I told her basically what I just told you. So we started talking about testing out us being a couple. She had already been planning to come to NC to visit after she went to Ohio later that month for her brother’s high school graduation. And my parents were going on a two week vacation around that time as well. So we decided that she would come and stay with me for two weeks. We would keep this to ourselves until then, so that we could see if this was really the best thing for us. And if so, then we’d tell people. We’d always talked about living together after school, but now we wanted to see exactly what we wanted our relationship to be. She bought a bus ticket for May 26th and would stay through June 10th or so, which would mean she’d be there for her 20th birthday on June 5th. We talked everyday about our plans for her visit. How excited we were, how we could cook dinner together and dance around the house in our underwear, and just get to be Us again. We talked to friends, planning to visit friends from high school and maybe even my friends from college.

On May 18th I texted Emma around 11 pm. I hadn’t heard from her all day which was unusual but she was in Ohio celebrating her mom’s birthday and getting ready for her brother’s graduation that weekend, so she was probably just busy. We’d told each other goodnight every night for months at that point. So I told her I loved her and was so excited to see her in just over a week.

The next morning it was a bit odd that she still hadn’t texted me back but again, I just assumed she was busy with family. And then the mail came, and the last part of a birthday present I was making for her arrived. So I got to work, giddy.

Around 2 pm my other best friend from high school, Juli, called me. For some reason I decided I’d just call her back later, I was too engrossed in making Emma’s present. About 20 minutes later I heard a knock on my door and turned to see my parents standing in the doorway to my room. I vividly remember spinning around happily and saying “Hey! Everything okay?” even as I noticed the tears on my dad’s face and how pale my mom was. My stomach knotted and I stood as my mom said “N-no. Honey…..” and walked towards me. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her to say that a grandparent or aunt or uncle had died. But as she got closer and put a shaking hand on my shoulder, I got a little more confused, a different kind of scared. One of my cousins? One of my baby cousins?

Nothing could have prepared me for her telling me that there’d been an accident in Ohio. That Emma, and her mom, and her brother, and her aunt had been in a crash…. And that all four of them had been killed on impact. The only thing I remember about the rest of the night is the pain of continuously screaming, punching the wall until my dad stopped me, and calling my friends from college, trying to have someone to talk to, someone who I could call who wouldn’t also be mourning. I couldn’t handle my own grief, let alone anyone else’s at that moment.

There’s a lot more to that story. There’s the memorial service in Ohio and meeting her dad and stepmom for the first time. There’s the service we put together at our high school and seeing our friend group all together again, except not. There’s the panic attacks every time I saw a garbage truck, or my parents drove off to work.

But most importantly for what you need to know right now, is my sliding back into isolation. I barely ever saw my friends from home and every time I did for the next two years it had something to do with mourning Emma. I saw my college friends a few times; them coming to visit or me taking a bus to stay the weekend. But eventually they went back to school and I stayed at home. I drifted away from high school friends because I didn’t know how to handle being with them when everything we did together reminded me of what I’d lost. I didn’t know how to talk to them because I needed their support but knew I didn’t have it in me to be supportive of them, and that wasn’t fair. I drifted away from my college friends for the same reasons, and even more so as the group dynamic that I had left slowly changed and faded until I didn’t know who was talking to who anymore and I again felt bad for dumping my shit on them when I couldn’t do the same. I began to think that all I brought to any social interaction was my pain and hopelessness. I would just bring everyone else down. They shouldn’t have to deal with my pain. So a year after I left school I was even more alone. I’d lost or pushed away all the people in my life that I’d expected to be lifelong friends, family. And I didn’t know how to begin to fix that. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I deserved to.

The only reason I was even still alive was because anytime I even got close to thinking about hurting myself, I could just sense Emma glaring at me, yelling at me, telling me that I couldn’t let this stop me from living out all those dreams we’d talked about. And I knew that my life wasn’t just mine anymore, that all those dreams, that bond, the parts of my favorite person that only I knew, would be lost if I died.

But I didn't have my friends to vent to, and as supportive as my parents were (I’d told them and a few close friends about me and Emma that first terrible week) I needed friends. But I didn’t know how to reconnect and I was too scared to go out and meet new people, especially knowing that at some point I’d have to drop the “dead girlfriend” bomb on them, and who’d want to stick around after that? So I tried to use media and hyperfixations to pull myself out of spirals, like I always had. But it was hard. Because most of the things that had been comforting before were all things I’d shared with Emma, and so now they were just more reminders of her absence. And even new things I found soon turned rotten because I couldn’t help but think about how I wish I could show it to Emma. Everything that made me happy for even a moment would pretty soon make me sad.

Eventually I found things that comforted me and helped me be creative again and that led me to starting school again, nearly three years after I’d left, at SCAD. I loved the classes. I wanted to be there. I’ve always been a fiction writer but now there was so much in my head that I needed to get out, to process, and to share with people, especially people like me dealing with an unimaginable grief. Those past few years had been made even more difficult by the lack of representation I found in grief material. Everything was either about grieving the elderly, not someone who’d barely even gotten to live. Or if it was about someone young it was due to suicide or disease or violence; in other words things that at the very least, left the grieving with some cause to care about, or something to be angry at, some real world outlet. I didn’t have that. I didn’t relate to that. And even harder was finding anything I could relate to that included the complexities that my queer identity put on my grief; there were people I could and couldn’t tell about our relationship. Did I say I lost my best friend or my girlfriend? What if her family didn’t approve and wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t let me have any of her things, wouldn’t want me around? And one of the biggest things I kept thinking those first few months; why had my life become a ‘bury your gays’ soap opera plot line. Was Emma supposed to just be my tragic backstory now? Was I just supposed to use this as angsty fodder for the rest of my life? What about her? What about her dreams, her potential? What about her progress? She’d just gotten to a place where she was accepting herself. Where she was overcoming her mental health issues, where she was proud of who she was. Why was I allowed to keep going and she wasn’t? I couldn’t find any support for these feelings. Not books or groups or forums. So I decided to make them myself. I started writing and drawing, putting together what I called my Grief Scrapbook. I was working towards the thing that mattered to me more than anything; telling our story. I was getting the chance to create the content I’d so desperately needed.

But I was still alone, even at school. I was 23 living with mostly 18/19 year olds. And while there wasn’t anything wrong with them, I was struggling with a strong sense of dissociation. Everywhere I looked I saw Emma, forever 19. And there I was, continuing to age and getting further and further away from her.

My first year at SCAD I made two friends, and while I love them, they didn’t fulfill the hole left by the large close knit groups of friends I’d lost. I tried to get back in touch with my best friend from college, only to find that she was no longer talking to me. And I don’t blame her really. Yes I’d been going through things, but so had she, and I hadn’t been able to be a good friend for her. So if she needed to move on for her own good, no matter how sad that made me, she had every right to do what was best for her, just as I had been trying to do.

I’m now in my second year at SCAD and recently started hanging out with a new group. And they’re great and I’m slowly feeling more confident and secure around them, but I still struggle. I still miss the relationships I held so dear, the relationships I let dissolve. I still worry I’ll never have that kind of connection with people again, and that if I do somehow manage to find it, I’ll mess it up again. Some days are particularly rough, when I sit with my thoughts too long, or see something that reminds me of any one of the many people I miss, and I ache for the happiness I had. And it’s those moments when I turn to hyperfixations (I do promise this is getting to RWBY).

This past February the final How To Train Your Dragon movie came out. The HTTYD franchise holds a very dear place in my heart, as it was my main hyperfixation during high school, and something I shared with Emma and other friends. The second film came out the day of my graduation. It was the last movie Emma and I saw together before she moved to Ohio and then went to school in Oregon. It was the last movie we saw together at all. I knew it was going to be very emotional for me to see the final movie, alone now. But I had to see it opening night. And (spoilers for The Hidden World I guess) the movie ended up being about the reality of having to let go of the important people from your childhood as you grow up. About dealing with the fact that sometimes the people you expected to always be a part of your life, aren’t. I loved the movie, but it destroyed me. A few months later I had to get through May, the 3rd anniversary, away from home for the first time. And it was extremely difficult. I’d had to take a break from HTTYD and process things.

So my main hyperfixations weren’t helping me get through a really difficult time. But around the time HTTYD 3 came out I happened to get back into RWBY. I’d watched the first season or so when it first came out, but then had just kind of forgotten about it. And so, in the absence of HTTYD, I got caught up. And I can’t say there weren’t things that hurt, that made me have to take a moment and collect myself. Watching the end of volume three, watching Pyrrha and Jaune finally kiss, and then watch their relationship die with her before they even had a chance to be together, hit way too close to home. Logically I should have projected on Jaune more than I did but I think I couldn’t, because it wasn’t just similar, it felt like I was literally watching the worst moment of my life play out. He was too much like me to handle. But there was Qrow. And at first I just kind of latched onto him because I liked him. I like his characterization, his design, and I was a fan of V*c ( I hate to even mention him here for fear of causing a totally different discourse, but Emma and I were big fans of his and high school and met him and when everything happened with him it was just another thing that felt like a good memory of Emma had been tainted.)

And so I was watching while the last half of volume six was airing. And I was watching Qrow slip further and further into his depression. I watched as he felt betrayed by Oz after grieving him and then getting him back. I thought more about how he’d basically lost his sister, about how he’d grieved for Summer (regardless of whether it was platonic or romantic), how he lost hope in having strong relationships ever again. How he felt cursed and how he pushed people away to protect them and himself from more pain. I saw how the Apathy affected him and how close he was to giving in before Ruby and Weiss snapped him out of it. I saw him struggle to get himself back together for Ruby and the rest of the kids, but not know how. I saw every single fear I’d struggled with those past few years in him. I related to Qrow more than I’d ever expected to. And so my hyperfixation on RWBY grew. His addiction was my isolation. His insecurities of hurting others and thus pushing them away was my fear that for the rest of my life, I would be alone because I was always going to be too broken to be worthy of friends and love.

And then everything happened with V*c and for a bit everything hurt again and I had to get away from RWBY and the toxicity within parts of the fandom. And when I was able to come back I was excited but worried. I hoped that Qrow would continue to develop, continue to progress alongside me, that I would like his new actor enough to finish healing the sting I’d felt over V*c. I just wanted Qrow back, I wanted this character to be there to help me again.

Because Qrow Branwen gave me hope. He gave me hope that I could get better. He gave me hope that even with my insecurities and trauma, something I’ll never be fully free from, I can deserve people who care about me, and that there are actually people who will care about me. He gave me hope that good things can still happen to broken people. And not just people who were once broken and have healed, but people who are still figuring out how to heal, who know they will never fully heal, but also know they still are worthy of support and care. And then volume 7 started and I got more than I’d ever dreamed.

There was the hug with Ironwood. And even though I shipped Ironqrow, the idea of there being a romantic aspect to that hug wasn’t what made it important. It was the fact that we got Qrow connecting with an old ally (and an adult), finding that he even still had an old ally. That despite everything that had happened with Oz and Lionheart, despite all the trust he’d had broken, maybe he wasn’t actually alone yet. And then we got Clover. I’ll admit I was wary of him at first. I was worried about the traitor theories, the death theories, and then the theories that he’d negatively affect Qrow, making him feel worse about his semblance. But then he grew on me so quickly. Because he smiled at Qrow. He got him to talk about himself, called him out when he was putting himself down, told him how well he was doing. And while it’s wasn’t because of Clover, he was sober, and Clover had to at the very least help him stay that way. Qrow was hunching less when he walked, opening up, being more vulnerable and social. He was smiling, laughing, making jokes. He had a steady partner that he trusted and worked well with, likely for the first time since team STRQ. And yes, I shipped them, but honestly while I would have still been disappointed if it was never canon, given how blatant it really seemed like it could be, it would ultimately have been okay. Because again, it was less about Qrow finding love and more about him finding support. And then I saw Qrow and Clover and Robyn team up, and whether it was canon or just fandom I felt represented. Not just in the way I had with Qrow about my mental health, but as a queer person struggling with complicated grief; the exact thing I had never been able to find and had taken upon myself to create for others. I saw Qrow being loved (again, whether platonic or romantic isn’t as important) and healing. Even if Fairgame never actually happened, I could still see them as queer characters helping each other process trauma. And maybe I set myself up in a bubble part of the fandom that fully convinced me that Fairgame was possible, but at the very least I truly, undoubtedly thought that Clover would side with Qrow.

And as I watched episode 12, I could feel my stomach sinking. Okay Clover didn’t side with Qrow at first, but maybe he’ll come around. Okay maybe he won’t come around, but maybe he’ll take Qrow in and they’ll have time to talk, maybe even with Ironwood. But then Clover abandons the ship, abandons Qrow and I was scrambling even more for hope that things would be okay. Maybe he’s trying to get away to diffuse things. But then “Never pegged you for the manipulative type” the first sign of Qrow doubting their entire relationship, of feeling betrayed again. And then Clover calls Qrow cynical? Maybe I’m forgetting something, cause I haven’t gone back and analyzed every scene with them, but I can’t remember Qrow ever being cynical around Clover this volume that we’ve seen. Self-deprecating yes, but this is legitimately the happiest and most secure we’ve ever seen Qrow. But okay maybe they’ll reason and Clover will come around. But then “We don’t have to fight, friend.” and it’s friend not Qrow. And then “You don’t know my friends. That’s how it always goes.” and I broke. I almost stopped there, a part of me wishes I had. Because it was already so broken, this thing that had even in the past few weeks, been a main pillar of hope for me. But maybe they’ll come together to fight Tyrian. And then Qrow goes after Tyrian and Clover keeps attacking Qrow. Well maybe he’s really trying to protect him, or has some plan. But then they continue to fight each other. And they don’t have even a moment of “who’s the bigger threat here? Us or the serial killer?” And then Qrow works with Tyrian?! Tyrian the serial killer? Tyrian the unstable maniac? Tyrian who tried to take Ruby? Tyrian who nearly killed Qrow? Tyrian who fucking worships Salem, who Qrow has spent most of his life fighting, has lost Summer to, and countless other traumas? (and I get the possible reasons, realizing that Clover won’t lay off of him so Tyrian is his best bet and then he can take care of Tyrian, but I still don’t like it. But this isn’t even about whether or not I think it’s good writing or characterization and it’s too long already to get into that.) And then Tyrian and Qrow fight so well together and I honestly felt sick. We haven’t seen Qrow work that well with anyone. Not RWBY, not Ironwood, not Clover. And now we see it with fucking Tyrian? And maybe it’s a stretch but it honestly felt like another nail in the “Qrow attracts bad” coffin that is his insecurities. Qrow and Tyrian fight nearly perfectly together and it felt so damn wrong. Clover’s wrong here, Qrow’s wrong here, and it all feels so very very wrong based on the entire progression of their relationship throughout the volume. And then Qrow takes down Clover’s aura and I’m just empty. There’s no hint of him trying to just beat Clover and not kill him. He has no reason to think that Tyrian won’t actually go for the kill during this fight. But they continue to have these snippets of “We don’t have to fight” or “I want to trust you” while showing no signs of holding back and still caring about the other’s well being. And then Qrow’s voice breaking during “Why couldn’t you just do the right thing…”. We’ve literally never seen Qrow this emotionally compromised, let alone during a fight. He’s crumbling because he finally had someone who made him think he could get better, that he could have close relationships, that he could be good for the people around him. And now he’s losing it.

I was broken here, I was already spiraling. I knew Clover would get hit. I knew I would be struggling to deal with this episode because I had so fully expected a different course. But I thought there could still be hope. There had to still be hope. CRWBY wouldn’t give us all that development, wouldn’t show Qrow finally happy without leaving some hope for things turning around in the finale. He’d get hit by Tyrian’s stinger and Qrow would have to work to save him and they’d work things out. But then “I trust James with my life… and I wanted to trust you.” And I’m sobbing. Because I get it, Clover’s loyal, but when Qrow’s face hardens I know what he’s thinking. What he’s trying not to think but it’s so hard to fight: “Maybe it is me. Maybe I can’t be trusted. Maybe I’ve ruined things again”. Even though he knows what James is doing is wrong. But he trusted James, he trusted Clover. And he thought they trusted, cared for him. And now they’ve both turned against him and no matter how much he knows he’s doing the right thing, he can’t help but worry that he’s still the thing broken here, that he still messed up somewhere and ruined the relationships he needed so much. I was breaking more and more as I watched this source of my own hope lose all hope.

And then Harbinger. The weapon Qrow built himself. That he modeled after his hero. The literal extension of his soul. And only moments before, Qrow destroyed the one thing that might have protected Clover. Clover’s emblem falls. Tyrian with “Like you killed Clover”. And yeah yeah Qrow being framed is heartbreaking. But it’s more that he’ll believe it. He did. He fucked everything up again. He tried so hard to do the right thing and still managed to hurt the person he cared about. And if Clover, the foil to his bad luck, could be destroyed by his semblance, how does anyone else stand a chance? And then blaming James. Swearing to make him pay (I honestly don’t remember if he says make him pay or kill him but I physically can’t rewatch that scene to see which it was). And yes he blames James. He hates James. It was the last straw breaking on someone he wanted to trust so much, wanted to have as a friend. But he still blames himself. He still knows he’s cursed and all the progress he’d made with Clover’s help is ripped away.

And then “Good luck”. I’ve seen people saying it’s sweet, that it’s a moment of reconciliation, of Clover showing he still cares. And I don’t necessarily disagree. But I hate it. Because Qrow won’t take it that way. It’s just another reminder that good luck is out of his reach. And then the goddamn sky and the bi flag colors. And then we see Qrow cry for the first time. And then…. The scream…. I literally nearly vomited and that was the thing that sent me over the edge into full blown panic attack. Because I know that fucking scream. I know how it feels. I hear it ringing in my ears, I feel my throat getting raw. I could hear and see and feel myself in the same position. The nightmare I’d fought off for years; kneeling over Emma’s body and there being nothing I can do but scream and scream as the last of the hope I was clutching to faded with her… with Clover’s eyes.

It wasn’t that Clover died. It wasn’t that my ship won’t happen. It was how traumatizing it was. It was that Harbinger was now defiled. It was that Qrow set it up to happen. It was the sky. It was seeing the light go out of Clover’s eyes. It was Qrow’s scream. We’ve never seen a death like this on RWBY before. Yes we watched Pyrrha’s death. But there was no blood. We didn’t see her bleed out. We didn’t see the exact moment the light left her eyes. We saw Adam stabbed and some bleeding and then hitting the rocks, but we weren’t right there, seeing the exact moment of his death close up. If Clover had been stung by Tyrian and died I’d be upset still, and many of the issues I have would still be relevant. But using Harbinger like that, playing directly into Qrow’s own insecurities like that, after having him do things that felt extremely out of character in order to set things up for Tyrian to kill Clover like that and blame Qrow? It felt vile.

It didn’t just feel like bad writing or different narrative choices. Hell, it didn’t even just feel OOC. It felt malicious. It felt like twisting established plot and characterisation completely in order to make it fit some tragic climax that was only chosen because it would have the biggest emotional impact, not because it was the best way to continue the plot. And they can’t say that they didn’t expect people to be so attached to Clover. Because if they didn’t expect that to be so emotional for viewers, then why do it like that in the first place? Why put in the climatic cinematic shot that mirrors when Yang lost her arm? Why have Qrow screaming over Clover’s body be the final shot? If Clover was never meant to have significance to both Qrow and fans, why make his death so painful? They can’t say that they didn’t know fans would get so invested at the same time that they say that it was necessary to make it that traumatic. It’s not that you can’t kill off beloved characters, no matter how long they’ve been in the show. But if you do, it’s got to feel important, it’s got to feel necessary, and it’s got to make sense for those characters, or else it just feels like you’re playing with peoples’ emotions for no reason other than shock factor.

I’ve seen a bunch of theories and discourse. Arguments over whether or not it’s queerbaiting or bury your gays. Over whether or not it’s bad writing or out of character. And I’m sure I’ll eventually have a stronger, more thought out opinion on that, but right now I can’t even get there.

I’ve seen theories as to why CRWBY did this, why it’s important to the plot. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’ll be just as surprised in a good way next week as I was in a traumatic way this week. But it will take a lot, and I will still need time to recover and dig myself back out of my own intrusive thoughts that saw this episode and rejoiced because “See!? See, good things can’t happen! You’ll always lose whatever good you find. You’ll always ruin whatever good you find.” And none of the theories I’ve seen make that better. Maybe they’ll bring Clover back with the Staff of Creation or some other method: doesn’t matter, the damage is still done. Qrow still is betrayed and traumatized. And even if Clover came back and Ironwood realized he was wrong and stopped, even if everything went back to exactly what it was, Qrow still would have lost all the progress he made this season. Because even if everything was fixed, Qrow would still have to fight down the newly boosted fear that everything will fall apart again. And similarly even if I come back to RWBY and things are good, I will still have a hard time trusting the show, and will still have to climb my way out of a hole I had just gotten out of, except this time I won’t have the comfort of RWBY to help me.

Or maybe Clover won’t come back and Qrow will relapse and try to kill Ironwood and lose his mind like the scarecrow he is. And what will that do but reinforce the fear and idea that “broken” people can’t escape their vices? That they’ll always come back to pain. Yes, it’s important to show that people can relapse and still get better, that relapse doesn’t mean all hope is lost. But there’s a difference between a relapse and new trauma that directly undercuts all the progress you’ve made. That’s not inspirational, it’s exhausting. Yes, you can come back again, but what about the next time and the next and the next? When will you just get to be secure in your happiness without worrying that at any moment you’ll thrown back to square one?

If it turns out there’s some great plot point this creates, some big revelation that fixes things, I still think it wasn’t done properly. Fine, have that, have that pain. But don’t end on that and leave people for a week. It’s not about it being a cliffhanger. It’s about people who are traumatized being abandoned. (Again, I’m not even getting into how, if this did happen, how episode 12 would still feel off from a characterization standpoint and whether or not it was poor writing. It’s an analysis I can’t currently do.)

And maybe my least favorite theory and the one that I might see as most likely; that Qrow won’t relapse. That he won’t completely lose it and instead Clover’s death and influence will be what keeps him going. Because yeah, that sounds great, that sounds heroic and strong and like the progress that came from knowing Clover did make a difference. But it feels wrong in this instance. Qrow’s had that. He’s had loss that hurt him but he kept going to finish something or honor them. He kept going after Summer died. He kept going for Ruby and Yang and Tai. If he didn’t have that, why would he have kept going when things were so bad? But Qrow doesn’t need that again. He doesn’t need another pain to spur him on. He needs support. He needs proof that his hard work, his struggle, has been worth it and that he still has allies. And not just the kids. Because as much as he respects them, as much as he believes in them and their abilities as hunters, he’s still protective of them, they still aren’t on an equal level. He still feels responsible for them. And that’s good for him, but he needs adults too. He needs people who aren’t his responsibility. He needs adults who can call him out on his shit. He needs adults he can lean on, who can take care of him. And now who does he have? Summer is gone. Raven is gone. Tai is back at home. Oz is gone. Lionheart betrayed him. James has now betrayed him. Winter has sided with James and might not be alive much longer? Robyn is there, but also hurt, and we haven’t seen anything to suggest that they are particularly close. And now Clover is dead. Clover, the only person we have ever seen Qrow let his guard down around like we did this season.

And it’s not that the “Staying alive for the person you’ve lost” is a bad plot line, and if I’d trust any show to do it I would’ve thought it’d be RWBY. But I can tell you from fucking experience, forcing yourself to keep going in honor of someone? Yeah, it might keep you alive. It might give you meaning and even lead you to do great things. But when it’s just you and your head? When you’re alone because you’ve lost everyone who kept you going and now you have to keep going without them, for them? It fucking sucks. It’s not poetic. It’s not this heroic strength that lifts you up. It’s a crushing weight of fear that you will fail again, that you’re the only one who can carry this burden, but this time you’ll let down the person most important to you. And then not only will you have fucked up your life but you’d have made their suffering and loss meaningless.

And I can see why CRWBY might take this route, what their message might be, and maybe for them and for some people it’s good, but personally it’s crushing. Because it can be a good thing to have the desire to honor someone spur you on, that’s literally why we still have RWBY. But if that’s the only thing you have? It’s toxic. You have to have other support and motivations of your own to keep you going without becoming hollow inside. And right now, Qrow doesn’t have that. Right now, if Qrow uses this to push him forward, it’s not recovery, it’s not avoiding a relapse; it’s falling into a new, much harder to spot, addiction.

Yes, shitty things happen regardless of whether or not you’ve recovered from previous shitty things. Yes, life isn’t fair and sometimes it feels like you just get hit down over and over. And yes, people die in war and it’s ruthless and unfair. But RWBY is still a show. It’s still a show about hope. It’s still fiction, an escape from the cruelty of reality. And to me there were multiple other options for the plot to create conflict and sacrifice without doing it in a way that seems so needlessly cruel.

This is complicated and layered and I think there have been mistakes made on multiple sides, and in the end, we still don’t know what CRWBY has planned and how things will go from here and why they chose this. Because everything has a meaning in RWBY. At least I want to believe that. But right now it’s very hard to think that all the meaning that was what made this my favorite volume, was anything more than a trap to make the end that much more painful. And that hurts. I want to believe that’s not the case. But it’s very, very hard. And like I said before, even if they pull it off amazingly and everything makes sense after next week, damage has still been done. No matter what happens, there were ways things could have been handled either throughout the volume or in this episode that, while still having emotional significance and sacrifice, could have been less traumatizing to a large portion of the fandom who supports CRWBY specifically because they trust them not to do something like that to them.

In the end I’m hurt because right now it feels like the entirety of this volume was just a build up for the shock value of tearing Qrow down again. And I’m just tired of it. I’m biased I know, and maybe for some people it’s an important narrative. But to me it just feels like angst just for the sake of being cruel to a character who can’t catch a break. Since Emma’s death I understandably haven’t been a big fan of really angsty fanfiction. At first seeing fics where a character lost their partner made me irrationally angry. Because why can’t good things happen in fictional worlds? Why do characters I care about have to suffer like I do just for the sake of being angsty? Why would someone do that to a character they love? Why inflict that absolute agony onto a character when you could just, let them be happy? Yes conflict and sacrifice are crucial to good storytelling, but you still have to leave a character some hope, or else what’s the point of just watching them linger in misery? This kind of pain isn’t just a plot point that gets addressed for one or two episodes and then is fully dealt with. It’s a part of who you are now and will be for the rest of your life.

I’ve been sad over shows before. I’ve thought plot lines were bad and like I’d lost a character that deserved better. But I’ve never had something take me from a (relatively) stable mindset to a truly frightening spiral like I’ve been in this week. If this had happened when I was younger (granted if it had happened before Emma’s death it wouldn’t have had the same meaning), if it had been during that first year? It really might have been a breaking point for me. The final straw. The only reason I’m able to know that as truly devastating as this has been for me this week, I’m not in actual danger of getting to a critically low space, is because I’ve learned how to deal with those low places these past four years. I’m still in a dangerous headspace but I know how to handle it. I know to reach out, to vent, to ask friends to keep an eye on me, to keep an eye out for critical signs that I’m getting worse and I need more professional help. But if I’d had this trauma as a teen and saw this, or if I’d seen it before I’d built up this method of keeping myself safe even when in the worst headspaces? I don’t know that I would have been able to deal with it.

There’s a loud part of my head that is berating me for letting this affect me so much. For letting a show and fictional characters be the catalyst for me having to actively ask my friends to keep sharp instruments away from me for the first time in years. I’ll have a moment of clarity of “It’s not that bad, you’ll get past it” before being swallowed back up by the hopelessness. I have moments of “How could you let a fictional character’s death put you in this place, but not Emma? How is he more important?”

But it’s not about RWBY or Clover or Qrow. It’s about my brain, and how I as a neurodivergent person deal with things. It’s about this how thing that I use to filter parts of my life through so that I can handle them in more reasonable chunks, is now a trigger itself. I currently don’t have any other hyperfixations, which means every time I have a moment of silence, or start to get feeling down again, my brain goes to RWBY, because usually that’s how I pull myself out. But that just reminds me of the loss RWBY currently represents. Not just the trauma this has brought up, but the fact that I’ve lost this source of comfort. And then I’m left scrambling for anything as I spiral further and further. I’m at the point where unless I am having constant outside stimulus to keep my brain occupied I go right back into a nosedive. And there’s nothing I can do on my own to stop it. So I just have to ride it out, fight back dozens of overwhelming intrusive thoughts, and try to think that I won’t always be this miserable, even though the current thing that was helping me believe that has just shown me the opposite is true.

And no, creators can’t be held responsible for the mental states of fans of their work. But when things are done that directly hurt so many people, that even if not intended to, feel so calculated and malicious, they have to acknowledge the part they played in that trauma.

The point of whether there was queer baiting/byg, and mlm representation and how its handled, is very important, but it is also something I just can’t even begin to look at right now from an analytical viewpoint. I can’t begin to come at this from an activist place right now. And I know there are plenty of other people who can speak on it better than I could currently. My queer identity is largely wrapped up in my grief and how it affects me, but that also means that when I’m spiraling, it is very hard to focus and make good points about things that are not issues I’ve directly experienced. The only reason I can write this at all is because these are really just emotions I’ve dealt with for years that were dragged back up.

RWBY has always been about finding hope when it feels impossible. But this feels like it’s becoming “keep finding new hope but know you’ll lose it too and have to start over”.

RWBY has been what gave me hope that even when bad thing after bad thing happened, there was a reason to keep going, that eventually something good would come your way and you don’t have to live in fear of losing it. That you can still be broken and be worthy of good things. But this episode ripped that all away and told me that sometimes a person is never meant to be happy no matter how hard they try.

A big reason I have clung to RWBY so much, and admired CRWBY so much, and in turn been so forgiving of plotlines or details that I maybe wasn’t the biggest fan of, was because I see myself in them. They lost Monty so suddenly and tragically and I understand that as much as anyone who isn’t them can. I understand the drive of keeping the show going. When I’m working on my own writing and art about my story and my loss, they are a huge inspiration to me to keep going even when it feels impossible. I can barely listen to Indomitable because, much like Jaune losing Pyrrha, it is uncanny how close to home it hits. They have been through more than we as fans can or should ever expect to know. Because even as someone very open about their grief, who wants to get rid of the stigma of expressing grief, I know that everyone deserves to keep as much of their grief and pain private as they need. And I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to work on a show that is literally a feat of love and honor to a person you’ve lost, and then have people attack it and you, and make huge accusations, even try to use your loved one’s memory against you. It’s my biggest fear in creating something so incredibly personal but so important.

And I know that everyone handles grief differently, and no matter how many people you have to support you it can be an extremely isolating thing. I know that no one has the right to tell someone else they are grieving wrong, and I would never dare do that to them. Because I know that the ways I grieve and the things that piss me off about grief and people’s reactions to it, will not line up with everyone else’s, and that’s okay. So the exact things that hurt me so much may be the things that CRWBY find cathartic.

But I still think it’s important to talk about something that hurts you. To help people understand a facet of grief that might not be what they’ve experienced. Because even people who want to help, who want to provide representation to those hurting, can never please everyone, and even can even hurt people. I want to trust CRWBY. I want to believe they care about the queer community (even if they don’t always succeed in providing good representation), I want to believe they wouldn’t purposefully try to hurt queer fans with queerbaiting or byg. I want to believe they don’t actually hate mlm.

Narrative is complicated and sometimes things are done that will unknowingly cause harm, or that were topics that the writers didn’t understand enough to properly execute. Things that may seem so obvious to the people who were hurt could truly be things that hadn’t occurred to the writers. And that’s not to excuse those writers from acknowledging their mistake, but to give them a chance to learn and improve. I think a great example is The Adventure Zone (slight spoilers ahead), and how Griffin McElroy handled the fans’ reaction after Sloane and Hurley died in Petals to the Metal. He hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone but he made a decision that was very upsetting for many people and that wasn’t okay. But he listened and apologized and from there on not only tried to provide better representation, but asked about how he could do so, consulted the people he was trying to represent in order to do everything he could to not cause that kind of pain again. Creators are human and deserve second chances, as long as they show they are actively trying to improve.

Things will be learning experiences, but the people who are hurt in those learning experiences, and who are often the ones hurt in such things over and over, are still allowed to be hurt and upset. Intent is not effect. And for creators who want to be inclusive and supportive, it is their responsibility to accept criticism and work to avoid making the same mistakes. Like I said at the start of this, criticism is not harassment and harassment helps no one. Be as angry as you are, be as open as you need, but cruelty to people who are honestly trying to do good but will still make human mistakes just creates more pain and conflict. You don’t have to like it or forgive it but you can’t invalidate the people who are hurt, who do.

I love RWBY. I want to love CRWBY. I want to keep watching. I want to keep supporting and trusting them. And maybe I’m letting a show have too much influence over me. Maybe it’s unhealthy to project so much on a character. Maybe things will prove to be necessary to tell the story they want to tell. But speaking as a neurodivergent, traumatized, grieving, queer person, I still feel betrayed and hurt by something that I trusted enough to be vulnerable about and I don’t want to sugarcoat or hide that.

I can’t say I hate CRWBY or I’ve lost all hope in or respect for them, because I’ve related to them so much and know how complicated things like this can be. And because I don’t think I personally can write someone off while still in such an emotionally raw space. I’ll have to take some time to see if I’m able to watch the finale this weekend, but I will most likely watch it, if not just a bit later than I usually would. And RWBY has thrown big surprises at us before, and I can’t know what will happen in the finale and how it will feed into or try to heal some of the pain we’re feeling. But regardless of what the narrative intent is in Clover’s death, it needs to be acknowledged that episode 12 alone, ending on such an intense scene that wouldn’t be resolved for at least a week, hurt people. And CRWBY needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. I can’t say that I’m the most up to date on social media and what each person involved with volume 7 has said in the past few months. But I know that numerous official twitter accounts posted things that led people to put more credibility in Fairgame, myself included. And that even after seeing how big the ship had gotten, and knowing what the outcome was, some of CRWBY continued to seemingly feed into the excitement, even teasing about how hard episode 12 would hit us.

That’s honestly one of the reasons I think this feels not just like bad writing or something, but betrayal. Of course RT can’t control everything everyone involved with RWBY posts, but for a company that has tried to seem so supportive of lgbt and mentally ill fans, they should have, at the very least, not have fed the flame and given people hope and supposed credibility that they knew would crumble after this episode. It feels like, even if they hadn’t intended this entire plot point to come across the way it has, they saw us going down this path and egged us on for added shock factor.

And even if somehow the finale fixes everything, it doesn’t undo that hurt. It makes me think of the trailers for Insatiable when it first came out. How toxic and fat shaming they seemed and how people reacted poorly to it, but then all the people involved responded with how positive the show was, and that people shouldn’t judge it before they saw it. Or those “joke” videos or posts of kids coming out and the parents getting angry but then it’s about some stupid other thing. It’s meant to trigger a very sensitive issue, that people who have gone through traumas related to those issues are all too familiar with seeing over and over. So why would they have faith that this wasn’t just another one of those times when everything they see points to the opposite? Why trigger people who have already been hurt, for the sake of shock factor? It’s poor and callous writing.

And that’s what this feels like. It feels like we were exploited in order to make this hurt more. And maybe that was a very unfortunate accident. But CRWBY still needs to acknowledge that they made mistakes, and do what they can to prove to the fans that they still deserve our trust. And that’s not going to be an easy one and done thing. For some it may never be enough, and that is completely valid.

Of course everyone has different histories and issues that can lead them to be drawn to a certain show or character. And creators can’t ever know for sure that they won’t bring up painful things for any of their fans, and often trying to do so can make the content and message suffer. But even though everyone might not have a story that is as “obviously” traumatic as mine, might not have things they so directly relate to in Qrow and in Clover’s death, they’re all still valid in the pain they’re feeling. One of my least favorite things about living with grief is people thinking that their traumas and struggles aren’t as big or important as my own.

This week I’ve told people how hard a time I’m having, and why. And the people who know my backstory understood. The people who didn’t know though, brushed it off as crazy fangirl, tumblr discourse drivel. Even to my face after I told them how much I was hurting, they would groan about people getting so obsessed with fictional characters. You shouldn’t have to know why something negatively affects someone the way it does in order to respect the fact that it does. And I’m not more valid in my pain than people with “smaller” reasons. The fact is that a lot of people are hurting. A lot of queer and mentally ill people are reliving trauma. And like me, many of these people trusted CRWBY to be supportive, to be a comfort in a world where it’s hard to find sometimes. And that makes it hurt all the more.

I wasn’t in the fandom when Monty died, so I don’t know a lot about how CRWBY handled it, what they said publicly, what inevitable fandom discourse there was about how to navigate things. The only reason I bring him up at all, (because I’ve seen people mention him in discourse posts before and it’s usually hurtful and out of line and I truly hate it) is because he, and how CRWBY continues to honor him by keeping his creation going, is a huge part of why I feel so attached to it. My creative focus is on talking about Emma, about honoring her, telling her story, about sharing my grief with people. And while it’s extremely important to me, it’s also terrifying to think about people one day saying I let her down, or that because I made certain decisions I ruined the work or anything like that. And whether or not I am currently happy with every member of CRWBY doesn’t affect the fact that I will always keep in mind that RWBY is something directly tied to someone they’ve lost and it can be extremely difficult to have that kind of work criticized and not get defensive or angry (that’s not to say we can’t criticize things that are made in honor of someone, but that we need to remember there are still people dealing with grief on the other end of what we say). They’ll react poorly to certain things, they’ll say the wrong things, they’ll but heads with opinionated fans. And that’s not to excuse them for that, or to say we shouldn’t hold them accountable and communicate our problems with them and expect them to learn from past mistakes. But they aren’t faceless monsters in some big corporation who just make this for the money. They have real emotional investment in their work and I honestly believe they are well intentioned and want to support lgbt and mentally ill fans. But good intentions don’t ensure there won’t be negative impact, and if they truly want to keep, or regain fans’ trust and support they need to show they understand that.

It may be naive and there may be things I don’t know that might have changed my view but until now, even with some writing choices I didn’t love, I've really liked CRWBY and trusted them. I personally can’t say I hate them and write them off right now. I understand if you can, if this was the last straw or just proving your view, and that’s all valid. But I want to, as much as possible, believe that they’re well intentioned. RWBY is far from perfect. CRWBY is far from perfect. But that’s ok. As long as there’s effort to improve and acknowledge mistakes and try to make amends

It’s possible that things I’ve said here may anger some people, and unfortunately, as much as I tried to avoid it, may hurt CRWBY. Because as hurt and angry with them as I might be right now, I don’t want to hate them or hurt them. I’m human as well, and I’m very passionate about this and have a very personal attachment to it. So I acknowledge that it is totally possible that I have said something here that I could have handled better. If so, please, let me know. Constructively. If you need to, privately. Don’t attack me for it. I know when a conversation is toxic to me and I will not put myself in that position and will block people. But I want to be open to criticism, just as I want CRWBY to be. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can work to do better in the future. There are also certain things that I firmly believe that I know not everyone will like. And that’s okay. I have my own ways of dealing with grief and pain that will inevitably conflict with others. In those cases, while I won’t apologize for being honest about how I feel, I will understand and listen to how I may have hurt you. Different opinions and ways of coping will always be a part of grief conversations and it is less about making others agree with you and more about giving people a place to express their pain.

This is ridiculously, stupidly, long and honestly I’m not sure there’s a clear point and if you read through it all the way, you’re a saint. But I just needed to get this out, and I hope that maybe, somehow, through the ranting, it might help someone feel less alone in their pain, or feel validated. I started writing this on Sunday and wanted to post it before the finale. It’s now Friday and who knows if there’s really any point to posting it now, but still.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve seen discourse that made me anxious all over again all week. I’ve seen jokes or edits or trolls that made me sick. But there are people out here for you. There are people to talk to who will just listen. You aren’t alone. And while I can’t promise you that everything will be okay, I can promise you that there will be people here to help you get through it. There are ways to get through it. They’re not always fun or ideal, but they’re there. And eventually you’ll be able to feel okay again. The pain might not be gone for good, but you’ll have good moments again. You’ll learn how to create good moments. I still want to believe that “broken” people can be happy again, even though the world may try to show me otherwise over and over. It’s not easy, and sometimes I honestly just don’t see how it can possibly be true. But I keep trying to get back to those good places and appreciate them, for as long as I can.

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