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heikablackstern · 1 year

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The Christmas Episode

With Christmas, it's nice to receive presents from the ones you love. But what about giving presents? There's something about seeing the ones you care about react to a gift you specifically chose for them.

Well to robots aren't any different as you give both Sun and Moon a present on Christmas Eve.

You weren’t entirely surprised that during the holidays, Fazbear Entertainment went all out with the decorations. They started popping up the day after Thanksgiving (how typical) in waves. The main lobby had a massive Christmas tree that was littered with colorful changing lights as the ornaments that hung from the fake branches sported every animatronics face; you even caught sight of the S.T.A.F.F. bots having their own ornament. There were large ornaments hanging from the ceiling in the band's main colors along with the classic Christmas colors. There was garland, mistletoe, and additional ribbons displayed along the walls of the entire area; you even found Christmas presents strewed about the place. Within the main lobby, the gift shop had switched out their normal merchandise with holiday themed attire to better fit the holiday season. You even found that the animatronics were starting to be devoured in the holiday season as their instruments and attire slowly started to change.

Freddy was wearing a Santa hat that covered his top hat, with a little golden bell at the end of it that flopped every time he walked. You knew the top hat was there because the bear showed you, apparently it helped keep the hat in perfect shape atop his head. It was a cute addition that drew a giggle from you every time you saw him walk by, finding that bell faintly jingle with his large steps. What made his look a little more funny was the fact that he was instructed to wear a Santa beard and a red jacket, making him look like the jolly fellow so many children loved during Christmas. Freddy had already gotten so used to the beard that he started stroking it whenever he was lost in thought or simply out of habit. Of course they would make Freddy, the leader of the band, dress as Santa Claus–he certainly had the personality to match.

Monty didn’t seem thrilled with the dress change from what you could tell. Maybe it was because he wanted to be dressed like Santa Claus or because he no longer looked as intimidating as before, his costume nearly ruining his image. Monty, the poor gator, was dressed to look more like Frosty the Snowman than a vicious gator. His star-shaped sunglasses were replaced with snowman shaped ones instead, with the lens being white rather than purple to match the snowman. He had a top hat like Freddy except it was much bigger and had a flower pinned to the material, though… it rested on top of his hair instead of pushing it down. You heard from Roxy that he was supposed to have a scarf but it had been ripped to shreds the moment management gave it to him. The only other thing he kept to fit the theme was a wooden smoke pipe that he wore between shows, when in his room, or whenever he was spotted walking around the Pizzaplex. Bubbles would come out of it on occasion yet you weren't sure if it was because of Monty or if the pipe was programmed to spit bubbles out. It was cute but you would never tell him that if you wanted to stay alive.

Roxy resembled that of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, she didn’t need any additional costume features when her black muzzle was now painted white. Except that didn’t stop management from adding a few more touches to the wolf’s overall appearance. Her makeup was changed to a lovely shade of red that matched her new nose. Her outfit was completely changed, replacing her red metallic clothes with brown and white, the white matching the rest of her stomach. The purple leg and wrist warmers were changed to the same shade of brown as her claws were now painted black. You assumed the black was to resemble hooves instead of claws but… she was still a wolf just in deer’s clothing. Roxy didn’t comment on the costume change but her smile certainly brightened when a child realized who she was supposed to be.

Then there was Chica who was dressed like a Christmas elf. She had a Santa hat like Freddy except hers was green instead of the bright red. It replaced her bow but hid the top of her hair entirely. The earrings were changed into 2d shaped presents as the makeup painted along her face was now a deep green to match the hat. Her pink clothes were replaced with a green jacket, similar to Freddy’s except there were bells hanging along the white fluffed collar. Her leg warmers were changed to striped red and white stockings. Like Freddy, she seemed rather pleased with the change as she hung around Freddy and pretended to be an elf.

Children were enjoying the Christmas spirit that started to waft through the air while the parents looked more annoyed. You could understand why, the new toys and clothes that were out for the holidays certainly caught the eyes of any child but were a tad bit expensive. But then again, this was Fazbear Entertainment. They would do anything for a pretty penny, even if that meant using the kids to convince their parents to buy them something.

You weren’t given any changes in clothes or added accessories when the holiday changes were being added. But you were not out of the woods. Before one of your shifts a package had arrived at your door from management itself. There was a small typed letter inside that explained that, for the remainder of the month, you were going to wear the new uniform. With a grimace, you threw the new set of clothes on and headed into work.

You had a feeling that Sun and Moon would get a kick out of your new uniform that you were forced to wear. It was an ugly Christmas sweater that fitted the daycare’s theme rather than the main bands, having Sun’s face on it with the word “Nice” written in a cartoonish style; it even matched Sun’s colors. You were a little peeved that Moon’s face wasn’t paired with the sunny animatronic but there was very little you could do to change it. They also gave you a Santa hat with a bell on the end that matched the striped pattern of Sun’s pants.

Yeah they were going to tease you about this till the end of time.

The only plus side of receiving the ugly sweater and hat to match was that you only had to wear it on Christmas Eve rather than right after Thanksgiving like the rest of the animatronics. You wondered if Sun and Moon finally had some holiday changes implemented into the daycare, finding that they were the only robots in the building lacking any holiday spirit to their appearance. There were, however, decorations within the entire daycare but they weren’t as obnoxious or evident as the rest of the building. It was a healthy amount and one that you could easily tolerate from day to day.

Your car is parked relatively close to the front doors of the Pizzaplex as you make your way through the front doors, a bit shocked to find the building full of screaming children and tired parents. The STAFF bot behind the counter takes notice of you as you give it a soft smile and a tiny wave; the bot has been clocking you in for the past several months now which saves you time and hassle.

The Daycare is just as busy as the rest of the building as parents bring their little ones and sign them in for the day. You catch a few children sliding down the colorful slide into the ball pit where they’re greeted by Sun. A smile stretches across your face as you walk through the set of doors parents go to pick their children up by the end of the day. Your things are settled down on the security desk, that being a rather old and worn backpack that holds all your things… including two small presents you’ve wrapped for Sun and Moon. You would give them their presents later, when there were less children around so as to not upset them they weren’t getting anything from you. The last thing you wanted was a crying child leaving the Daycare on Christmas Eve.

The moment the solar animatronic catches sight of you, you give him an overly obnoxious wave that matches his growing smile. Yet he can’t come over and greet you like he’d want since the children were flocking to him in waves. They were all excited for tonight, at least those that celebrated Christmas, because Santa Claus was coming to town. You shared their excitement for the holiday just in a different way, wanting to give presents rather than receive. Hence the two presents lingering within your bag.

“I’m a bit surprised to see you here on holiday sweetheart!” Sun catches you off guard, nearly scaring you out of your sweater. When he sees the uniform is different, his white eyes shine with glee. “But I must say… I do love the sweater.” He gives you a playful wink and you roll your eyes, trying to ignore the warmth that floods to your cheeks.

You frown at him, “Not another word.”

“Oh but you won’t let me mention the hat? I can tell you, for certain, that Moon loves it!” You give him another glare, wanting to keep your dignity and pride intact (except those things left the moment you started working there).

His rays shift to the right and settle once more as he leans on the desk between the two of you. “So what are you doing here today? Shouldn’t you be celebrating with your family?”

“I’m seeing them tomorrow when the Pizzaplex is closed plus I’ll be making extra for working today since it’s a holiday–like a Christmas present to myself.” You shrug your shoulders, “It’s not a big deal.”

It’s clear to you that Sun doesn’t really like your answer, his rays remaining still as his hands fidget on the desk, but he doesn’t tell you this. Instead the children come rushing to his side and pull him away from you by his pant leg. He gives you a pitiful look, not wanting to part ways, but you wave him off. You’re now on the clock which means there are plenty of things you need to get done before the daycare closes.

The list isn’t taxing or as busy as it usually is; Fazbear Entertainment was cruel but for the sake of the Christmas spirit they were being rather kind. You needed to restock the cabinets, clean up the craft section of the Daycare, and make sure both Sun and Moon were wearing their holiday clothes.

Holiday clothes? That can’t be right… You look through the email again and sure enough, at the very bottom, it tells you to dress them for the holiday cheer. Sun would be easier to keep dressed, Moon would probably rip anything off that you’d try to force him to wear. Which meant you needed to keep things simple, easy.

Lucky for you, it was rather cold and snowy outside so your animatronic friend could borrow your wintery things for the time being. There was less of a chance of Moon tearing your things to shreds than what management was going to provide. You grab your jacket you shrugged off the moment you stepped into the Daycare and reach into your pockets, pulling out a scarf, a hat, a pair of mittens. They weren’t exactly Christmas-y but they were going to have to do.

“Hey Sunny?” You look up from your warm accessories to find the animatronic asking them about their winter plans. It was an endearing sight to see the children’s eyes light up as they told Sun about their letters they wrote to Santa, what they hope to get on Christmas morning. You remember the countless letters you wrote yourself when you were their age and how excited you were to open presents the following morning. “Sun?” You call again as you walk around the desk. This time the robot hears you and gives him your full attention. He ushers the kids to go play as he takes wide strides to you.

“Yessssss sunshine?” He gives you a wide smile.

“Would you do me a favor?”

Sun taps at his chin, “Hmmm that depends, what do I get in return?”

“A hug?” There’s a faint smile forming on your lips as you hold your arms out wide. But Sun doesn’t give you a hug, instead he pokes your nose and his grin only widens. You didn’t like that look.

“As much as we love your hugs, we were hoping for something better as a bribe.”

You’re a bit surprised by his smug attitude as his eyes gleam in delight at your faulty plan. Usually a hug would be enough to get Sun to do anything. It seemed like the two AI’s were aware of management’s new rules for today and knew exactly what you were trying to get them to do. Which was strange, they were such sticklers for following the rules…

Your eyes glance at your backpack that sits next to both you and Sun. The only bribe you could possibly think of would be the presents that remain hidden in your bag. But you wanted it to be a surprise and Sun was rather an impatient robot. Which was a surprise since he worked with kids every day.

You sigh, “I can’t tell you exactly what else I could bribe you guys with but I know that you’d like it.”

“And what would you need from us if we did what you wanted?”

You show him the email management has sent you even though you’re certain he already knows the rule. “I just need you to wear some wintery things so that you fit with the Christmas theme,” you pocket your phone and hold out your winter stuff–mittens and all. “If both of you keep these on until my shift ends then I’ll give you something as a reward.”

Sun’s rays spin, “A reward?!” You’re lifted off the ground in seconds as Sun begins twirling around in circles with you in his hands. Your things are dropped and scattered around the two of you but a wild bubbly laugh can’t help but escape you at the childish behavior coming from your friend.

“Alright! Alright! Alright!” A sense of dizziness overtakes you when Sun places you back on your feet and begins picking up your things. “So is that a yes?”

“It certainly is friend! So long as you keep your promise and give us this reward you speak of then Moon and I shall wear these things until the end of your shift!”

You tilt your head, “And Moon won’t rip my things apart?”

Sun’s smile twitches, like it’s forced, but becomes genuine once more. He doesn’t answer you but throws on your attire instead. There’s a dull look in his eyes, like he’s not quite there, as the hat is secured to the top of his head and both scarf and mittens are pulled on. Yet the smile that pulls on his face seems sharper and more threatening rather than friendly.

“So long as you keep your promise, your things will be fine.” He says nothing more as he goes back to the screaming children. A shudder can’t help but roll down your spin as you watch him quietly.

That was… odd. But a deal was a deal.

******

Sun kept the kids busy for most of your shift, the only time you were dragged into one of their games was to partake in a few crafts. You helped a few kids color and decorate their Santa’s, gluing cotton balls around the mouth or scribbling in shades of red for the hat. Some of these items were meant to be hung on their parents' Christmas tree, others preferred them on the fridge, and a handful were hoping Santa would take theirs back to the north pole. Both you and Sun assured the kids that these wishes would come true so long as they behaved; it wasn’t entirely a lie, maybe a bit selfish, but behaved kids were the best kids.

When you weren’t partaking in the crafts you were doing the rest of your checklist management sent you. The cabinets were filled, certain areas were cleaned, and Sun (and Moon) were dressed to fit the holiday spirit. Sun made sure to be mindful of his rays whenever he became excited, keeping the ones your hat sat on tucked beneath his faceplate. It was sweet that they were staying true to their word because even you were starting to get a little antsy about giving them their presents. Though, you weren’t going to admit that to them. Sun would bug you every hour on the hour about this so-called bribe you were promising them. The entire ordeal was turning into a little game between you.

“Is it glitter glue?”

“Why would it be glitter glue when you have a cabinet full of that?”

“What about some colorful paper? Can never have too much of that!”

You chuckle, “True but no.” His rays would sink, like he was sulking, and you can’t help but boop his nose. “Maybe my bribe was patience all along…” It was a weak answer yet one that made the animatronic go rigid. Those white eyes holding faint white pupils shrink into pinpricks as they look you dead in the eyes. But Sun wasn’t looking at you, he was looking through you.

His head tilts to the side, faceplate shifting with it, as his eyes narrow with glee. “For your sake sunshine, I hope it isn’t.”

Your heart can’t help but pick up at the vague threat Sun tossed to you, the smile that was on your face falling slightly. So, with a forced laugh, you try to save the conversation. “As much as I would love to see your threat out,” One of Sun’s rays on the side of his quickly retreat before being shoved out again, “I promise you it’s an actual object and not a life lesson.”

Sun let’s out a stream of air from his voice box, mimicking the sound of a sigh in relief. He wipes at his forehead as if he were sweating from how nervous he was, his rays doing a short jitter around his head. “Well that’s certainly a relief! We were afraid that you had been lying.”

“Oh? And why would that be?”

“Because, friend, you tend to… bend the rules a bit in your favor.”

You pull at the bottom of the sweater, stretching out Sun’s face and the word stitched into the material. “Now would a rule breaker wear something like this to work?”

Sun chuckles, “Oh you misunderstand! We didn’t call you a rule breaker–”

“That’s what it seems like.” He places a finger on your lips to hush you.

“We were simply stating a fact about your behavior around here.”

You roll your eyes and turn back to the cabinet you were stocking moments prior. But instead of filling it with more contents, you take an armful of blankets out and shove them into Sun’s chassis.

“It’s almost nap time and you haven’t set up the floor mats,” You can't help but lean in with a smug look on your face, “I’ll start bringing the pillows out and if you’re patient enough, maybe I’ll give you the reward early.”

His eyes narrow and his smile thins, “This reward is appropriate around the children, yes?”

A sudden burst of laughter escapes you as you shove him away from the security desk. Sun allows you to push him off, pleased with your reaction. If there weren’t any kids around you would’ve cursed him out until he forced you into a timeout. So you resorted to pushing him away to give you a bit of time to stop your fit of laughter and grab the pillows.

You spare a glance at the animatronic as he begins to spread the blankets around on the open floor, finding his shoulders shaking lightly as if he were laughing. Knowing him, you’re certain he is. The pillows you grab out of the cabinet are thrown up and over your desk and onto the floor; for Sun to start pairing with matching blankets and for you to do the same. The children didn’t need to be called, knowing that most of them were already exhausted from the games and crafts they had done earlier.

Many start picking their spots as the lights within the Daycare slowly tick off, one by one. You’re on the opposite side of the Daycare when Sun realizes there is absolutely no way he will reach you in time to claim this reward you’ve promised. Instead, he shoots you a rather twisted expression; one that’s both upset and angry with you. You can’t help yourself as you give him a tiny wave and a cheery smile to match as the lights above him go dark.

His rays quickly retract and the bright warm colors on his outfit begin to change into cool colors that fit Moon. The starry nightcap nearly pushes your own hat off of his head but a sudden jerk from the animatronic has him catch it, fixing it on top of the nightcap. The white’s in his eyes become black as a pair of red pin pricks narrow in on your form and you can’t help but swallow the lump in your throat. Yet Moon makes no sudden movements to scare you, instead the whine of a child quickly pulls him away. Those frightening eyes begin to brighten as one because white and the other red, like how they should be.

You know you’re going to pay for hurting Sun’s feelings later.

Which means you need to get behind the security desk as quickly as possible. You take long and quiet strides towards the desk as you catch Moon on the opposing side still, tucking in a child and wishing them goodnight. He looks more peaceful this way as a ghostly smile pulls at his sharpened teeth. When the child looks asleep, their chest slowly rising and falling, Moon’s attention suddenly snaps back to you.

Shit.

Your footsteps only increase, knowing it’s going to be close. Between the playgrounds, you find Moon’s silhouette creeping through the darkness. It’s easy to lose sight of him within the Daycare and before you know it, you lose him entirely.

Shit x2.

This was fine. Everything was under control. You know he can’t necessarily scare you without ripping a scream from your throat. Moon wouldn’t dare to scare you if it meant waking the children up. But there were alternative methods he could resort to, though you weren’t exactly sure what that entailed. When you reached the desk there was a sudden yank against your sweater. Before you could even get a word out, a hand clamped down over your mouth before you were whisked away into the air.

Shit x3.

You can hear Moon chuckle behind you as he keeps a firm grip around your stomach and the hand around your mouth secure. You try to elbow, kick, or even bite his hand but those tactics won’t do much against a machine… especially someone like Moon. The two of you are carried on top of one of the playgrounds–the closest one to the children actually–before he drops you at the very top. You push yourself up and off the floor as you fix your sweater and readjust your hat, wanting nothing more than to shout at him for scaring the shit out of you. But your jaw remains tight when you turn around and find him merely inches from your face. His mismatched eyes look over your face as a lazy grin remains etched onto his faceplate.

He looks you up and down before returning to your eyes once more, “Nice sweater.”

As you look down at the sweater, you’re expecting to find an image of Sun on it. But, like the animatronics, your clothes have changed as well. This time the sweater is now a deep shade of blue with an image of Moon on it, the word “Naughty” scribbled underneath his face. You wanted to punch management for that one.

“In my defense, I didn’t know that’s what it said!” You hiss. Moon doesn’t seem to care as the smile on his face only grows.

A hand suddenly finds itself blocking your vision of him and before you can ask what he thinks he’s doing, your hat is pulled over your face, earning a surprised yelp from you. “Sun isn’t very happy with you,” Moon reminds you.

You’re not surprised, you did trick him. “I still have something to give him, to both of you, I just don’t want to upset the kids.”

Moon’s gaze follows your gesture back down to the children, who remain still and undisturbed. The two of you could hear a few of them snoring from the top of the structure. The lunar animatronics eyes cast a faint glow over your face as you readjust the cap.

“What is it?”

“What’s what?” You ask.

Moon’s eyes narrow at you, “The reward.”

You frown at him and cross your arms over your chest, “I’m not telling you.”

“I won’t tell Sun.”

Your frown deepens as you poke his nose, “That’s not fair to him.”

His smile becomes sharp, “What isn’t fair is that you lied.” Moon’s head tilts to the side, the bell at the end of his nightcap jingling from the movement. “That makes you a rule breaker.”

Oh good, this argument again.

“I’m not a rule breaker, I told Sun that if he was patient then I would give him his gift. Seems to me like neither of you are patient… like children.” Moon’s eye twitches in irritation, you’re definitely pushing it already. But you weren’t scared around Moon, not usually. Those days were long gone. Yet that didn’t stop a pit from forming at the bottom of your stomach and growing with every passing second. “I’ll let you keep guessing, like Sun was, and if you get it right I’ll give you your present. But!” You point a finger at him, “You can’t tell Sun what it is or it’ll ruin his gift. Deal?”

“...Fine.”

“Great, now help me down.”

A look of glee crosses his face as the wire descends from the ceiling and hooks on his back. But he doesn’t grab you, instead the wire pulls him up and into the rafters above, leaving you to fend for yourself. A string of curses escape you as you sulk to the edge of the playground, starting your climb back down.

You hated when he did that.

Your descent down the colorful, yet soft structure, took a lot longer than you had hoped. But you managed fine all the same. Moon was waiting for you at the bottom and a part of you wanted to let go of the structure altogether except it seemed like you were treading on thin ice already. Not wanting to push your luck, you helped yourself instead. Your foot touches the foam-like mat and Moon quickly begins guessing.

“Nightlights.”

“Thanks for helping me down.”

His head clicks to the side, “Night. Lights.”

You roll your eyes and shake your head, “They’re not night lights.”

“Is there more than one for each of us?”

“Technically no? I mean, you’re both getting the same thing but for different reasons.”

Moon remains quiet as he follows you back to the desk, thinking about what that hint meant. Both of you know that he could easily steal your backpack and take the presents, knowing that’s where they hid. Yet this game was fun for him and Sun as the two of them thought about what they were both going to receive from you.

As you round the desk and take a seat, the hinges creaking beneath your weight, Moon perches himself atop of the desk. “Blankets?”

A smile tugs at your face, “What do you guys need blankets for?”

“Not us,” he points over his shoulder, “for the children.”

“The gift is for you, not the kids,” you remind him softly. It was sweet that they continued to think about the children that came through the Daycare but it was also a tad disheartening. “Did you guys think the gift would be used by the kids instead of yourself this whole time?”

Moon’s silence answers your question and you can’t help but frown at that. It was rather unfair as to how management and the rest of the company treated both Sun and Moon. You knew the two of them had a rocky history but so did the entire company; their records were far from squeaky clean and everyone knew it.

“A candle,” Moon suddenly blurts out.

You snort, “A candle?”

“People give candles.”

“They do,” you nod in agreement, “but I’m pretty sure candles are forbidden in the Daycare.”

Moon turns away, looking at the children to make sure they're still asleep, “They are.” His eyes find yours again but he remains quiet for several beats before asking “Are we close?”

You shake your head, “I’m afraid you couldn’t be further.” Those eyes somehow narrow at you. It was still confusing as to how they were able to express so much emotion with very little movement from their metallic faceplate. They were different from the band members, after all. “Would you like a hint?” You offer; the lunar animatronic gives a curt nod. “They say that those that hear it believe.”

“That’s not a hint.”

You shrug, “I never said it was going to be a helpful one.”

A static like sound emits from his voice box that sounds like a growl mixed with a groan. Moon readjusts himself atop the desk, resting his head in one hand with the other quietly tapping against his leg mechanically. He’s discussing your hint with Sun, you can tell. His eyes seem a bit dimmer and his movements seem more like a program than a genuine human-like motion. It would be easy for others to miss, to go unnoticed, but you’ve been working with them for quite some time now that the motion was an indicator to an internal change.

“The hint relates to an old kids movie, if that helps.” The lights in his eyes glow a bit brighter as they find you again. There’s a faint smile that tugs at the corner of his mouth.

“That does help,” he admits, “is it from an animated film?” You narrow your eyes and lean back into your chair, arms folding.

“Perhaps,” You answer.

“What is it that needs to be believed in?”

Smart question. There was no way you could give the animatronic a straight answer without revealing what the presents were. Your jaw goes tight as you remain quiet in your seat, trying to figure out how to answer the question but also dodge it. While you were excited to give them the present, you didn’t actually want them to guess what it was. So you’ll be honest.You shake your head and pull two fingers across your lips, zipping them shut. Moon’s shoulders sag and his eyes dim again.

It was beginning to dawn on you that both Sun and Moon would be able to tell if you were lying. They could read anyone’s vitals and, if you remembered correctly, when a person lied their heart rate changed–sped up. Which meant that lying or tricking them was clearly off the table. Even if you pulled one hell of a poker face they would easily see through it. The wonders of technology.

You do the last task on your list that management didn’t tell you to do but knew it was an unspoken rule. Since Moon was reestablished into the Daycare and nap time was now in the dark again, that meant you had to file a report daily about his behavior. Did he show any signs of aggression? At any point, when the lights were off, did you feel unsafe? Did the animatronic threaten you at any point? The list of questions went on and on and on. You typically answered them truthfully but, on the rare occasion where Moon had scared you, you did lie to management. It was a dumb choice–unsafe–but you’ve grown fond of the two AI’s and they to you.

Moon pokes your cheek, pulling you from your thoughts. You hold up a finger as you finish typing out the last answer on the list before turning the bulky computer off and giving him your full, undivided attention. “Is it clothes?”

You hum in response. One could argue that their present were clothes but you, personally, didn’t see them as that. A shake from your head gives them your answer. “I don’t consider it clothes, but it can be worn?” Your eyebrow furrows, “I mean I’d like to think you guys will wear it daily but it’ll be your call.”

“New ribbons?” To emphasize his point, Moon holds out a wrist with a red ribbon tied to it. There’s a white cotton ball tied to it as well, similar to the one that’s tied to the one at the end of his nightcap. There would be no reason to give them new ribbons when the ones they wore held no tatters or stray threads.

“No, but you’re getting warmer.”

He’s about to give you another guess when the sound of a child muffling a cry is heard. Both of you snap your attention to the children sleeping, finding none of them awake, but there is one that’s wrestling with their blanket and holding a look of discomfort, a look of fear. Moon doesn’t waste a second in leaving you at the security desk as he goes to tend to the child who must be having a nightmare. You watch from your seat as Moon tends to a child, scooping them up in his arms and rocking them back to sleep. You’re certain that the robot is whispering faint hushes or playing a soft melody to ease the child back into a peaceful slumber. Warmth begins to bloom in the center of your chest as you watch Moon settle the child back down, pulling the blanket over the kid's shoulder and lightly bumping his faceplate to their forehead. It was an endearing scene, one that you added to your final notes about Moon for management to review. If he found out about the little notes you added, the sweet moments–the ones that truly mattered, he would’ve thrown you off the balcony by now.

Moon makes himself comfortable on the desk once more, “Nightmare,” he explains. The explanation wasn’t needed but appreciated nonetheless. “New paint?”

You pause, “Do you… need paint?” While you were aware that both Sun and Moon were the most neglected animatronic in the building, besides the S.T.A.F.F. bots, their casing seemed fine. No chipped spots, no grubby fingerprints or shoe stains, they looked good as new… maybe even better. He shakes his head.

“Is it an instrument?”

“Kinda,” they’re getting warmer now. “Can Sun see me right now?”

Moon’s sharp smile returns, “Perhaps.” He replies in a mocking tone.

“Well,” you scoot the chair towards Moon and lean onto the desk, “if he’s not there then I could give you your gift.”

You can hear the fans hidden within the animatronics chassis as the faceplate does a slow, unsettling rotation. He’s unsure if you’re being genuine or if this is simply another trick of yours. To give him more confidence, you grab your backpack and pull out his present.

The wrapping is a deep blue covered in snowflakes of different shapes and sizes, all white or silver. You even found a sparkling silver ribbon to tie in the front, resting alongside a sticker that has his name written in your handwriting on it. It was also more fitting to Moon’s theme than what you picked for his brother, chilly colors and an intricate ribbon–it screamed the lunar animatronic. Holding it up to him was like a taunt but the perfect push Moon needed.

“Not here,” he answers immediately, straightening his back and nearly mimicking Sun’s demeanor. “Sun isn’t happy with you.”

You hand the present over and sit back, “I know, but he’ll forgive me after he gets his present.” Moon takes the present from your hands but doesn’t open it as quickly as you hope. Instead the present rests in the palm of his hands, as if Moon is afraid it’ll turn to dust the moment he pulls the fabric. “Don’t you want to open it?”

He nods but refrains from pulling the ribbon undone. His hands twitch like they want to tear the entire present to shreds except he refrains. There’s an unspoken battle tearing him from the inside out, wanting to be good and for things to be the way they were. Moon didn’t want to admit that those times were no longer attainable. He remained rigid and stiff atop the desk with the present in his hands.

“Would you like me to open it for you?” Your tone is soft and quiet, like you were speaking to one of the children. Moon’s movements are slow as he, reluctantly, hands the present back over. You push yourself out of the chair and lean against the desk instead with your back to him. There’s a weight leaning against your shoulder, knowing Moon wants to see what lies beneath the wrapping paper the moment it’s removed.

The ribbon is pulled and the wrapping is undone as quietly as possible. There was no elegance in your movement nor in the wrapping yet it seemed rather important to Moon. When a black box was the only thing left, Moon held onto the wrapping paper and ribbon. You weren’t sure if he was going to keep it for sentimental reasons or because their programming wanted things clean; you weren’t going to ask. The lid of the box is removed as well and put aside, revealing a gold and silver marbled bell in the center. Your smile grows when you see the familiar bell resting in the black fabric you stuffed into the box. It was to protect the metal, keep it from scratching, but also to muffle the sound as much as possible. You hand the opened box to Moon, his face is unreadable. Panic begins to bubble within your chest like you made some kind of mistake when he says nothing.

“I thought the bell would match with your shoes, since they have bells on them. Maybe you could tie it to your hat and replace the cotton ball?” His eyes flicker from the bell to you. “I-if you don’t like it then I can–!”

When you reach for the box, Moon pulls it away from you… as far as he possibly can. “No,” he seethes. The marbled bell is taken from the box as Moon uses his other hand to grab the end of his hat. It wasn’t hard for Moon to remove the cotton ball, a simple hard tug did the job. He begins fixing the bell at the end, “I used to have a bell, a long time ago.” Moon doesn’t explain any more and you don’t push. When the bell is secured at the end, using the ribbon that was on the box to tie it on, he readjusts the hat to rest behind him again.

“Do you like it?”

It was rare to see Moon give a genuine smile. It was even more rare to see those mismatched eyes go soft. “I do,” he says. Your smile only grows in size as you lean back into him, the two of you basking in the silence of the Daycare; the bell behind him gently chiming with his slow and mechanical movements.

******

When the lights came back on and the children were awake, Sun became rather antsy to receive his present. You apologized for tricking him but it really was going to be worth the wait. If Moon melted at the sight of the bell then you wondered how Sun was going to react. It was all in due time. Slowly, children were being picked up one by one. Their parents came to the front doors of the Daycare as you handled the parents while Sun rallied the kids. Each child left with a candy cane spun in yellow and blue, with a smile on their face and a reminder to go to sleep if they wanted Santa to come. The parents thanked you (rather than Sun to your displeasure) and left. By the time the last child was signed out and walking out the doors, the solar animatronic was bouncing with unexpected energy.

“What a day!” His voice carries through the Daycare and a chuckle escapes you. You’re by the arts and crafts table finishing up wiping them down. It’s the least you could do for Sun as he skips over to you. “And to think I would be cleaning the entire play area by myself…”

“You just want your present,” You remind him.

He nods in agreement, “It’s only fair. Moon got his before I did and I technically knew before him.”

You tuck the dirty rag into your back pocket and turn to face him. “Did Moon tell you what he got?”

“Nope.”

“Are you lying to me Sunny?” Your eyes narrow in on him, looking him up and down. You couldn’t detect a change in heart beat or scan them to see what their internal temperature was but reading Sun was as easy as reading a book. His rays gave away his true emotions yet they remained still and sprouted.

Sun shakes his head, “Not at all sunshine! I would never lie to you.” Both of you remain in a silent stare-off as you wait for him to slip up. But, you’ll have to take his word. With a deep sigh, you tell him to take a seat as you retrieve his present.

His present was wrapped in red and white striped paper with the ribbon shining like gold. The pattern was the closest thing you could find to match Sun’s boisterous personality but also stick to the holiday theme. The ribbon was the only thing that didn’t necessarily match yet you chose to keep it since it reminded you of the solar bot. When Sun catches sight of you and the small box in your hands, the rays around his head dance in delight.

He sits criss crossed on the floor between the tables and chairs you have just wiped down, from both glitter glue and germs. You take a seat across from him, your knees nearly bumping into each other, before handing the present over. Unlike Moon, Sun doesn’t hesitate to open the present yet they both keep the ribbon you tied in their possession. Moon now had his tied to the hat and Sun simply kept his in his grasp. Even though the wrapping paper was quickly removed, not a single piece was truly torn to shreds. His movements were calculated and precise as he sets the large sheet of decorated paper aside and keeps a white box close to his chest.

It’s when the top is removed does your smile grow.

Instead of giving him one bell like Moon, there are two in the box. They look the exact same as Moon’s but instead of tying them to a hat Sun doesn’t possess, you figured the bells around his wrist needed to be replaced. They were rusted, dirty, and no longer held their chime nor charm that a true bell should. The ones Sun currently had only seemed to fit him, being gold, whereas silver fit Moon. Which is why you compromised and found marbled bells that fit both of them. Even though the one Moon had was only visible when he was out, the ones around the wrist would fit both of them yet were meant for Sun.

“Where did you find these…?” Sun asks in awe. He gently picks them up in his hands and places the box to the side. You’re surprised that his voice dropped, no longer booming in the room.

You nudge his leg to get his attention, “I found them when I was grabbing coffee one morning… they reminded me of you. Both of you.” Your face can’t help but bloom in embarrassment but it was the truth.

Upon your confession, Sun tackles you to the ground in a hug as a surprised yelp escapes you. The bells ring erratically as he squeezes you and rocks you around; you can’t help but laugh at the reaction. The animatronic pulls you into his lap and keeps his arms around you, the bells falling into your lap. He makes quick work of the old ones around his wrists except has a hard time trying to tie the new ones around. Your hands gently encompass his as you silently offer to tie them on for him. Sun doesn’t need to give you an answer, his stillness is enough. The touch is soft, featherlike, as you untwine the red ribbon around both wrists to slip the new bells through. With the new bells secure, you retie them to his wrists–giving him a bow at the end of the knot.

They look nearly identical as they did before but now they hold your bells.

His arms slink around your waist and give you a squeeze, “I would have never guessed.”

“So you like them?” You give his arm a squeeze, needing the reassurance that neither of them were saying that to make you feel better. “If you don’t I can get you something else instead?”

“Why would we want anything else?” He pulls away and looks down at you, needing you to crane your neck back to get a better look. Sun’s head lightly bumps into your forehead, like Moon had done to that one child, and your cheeks only darken in color. “We have everything we want right here.”

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gaytorgirl · 2 years

Text

i know i can’t be the first person to think of this but

alligators are the prime example of biting the hand that feeds you.. 🐊🐊🐊

like,,, feed them once and like even on their death bed you will be on the forefront of their mind. they will do everything (an alligator can do) to find you again in the area or for that matter to find any person and either bite or end up killing you/ them for it ! if there is anything to be learned, never feed a wild alligator cus that’ll make them lose their predisposed fear of humans which keeps both us and the alligator alive + feeding them makes them associate us with food ! guess that’s why the saying is see you later alligator, if you feed them and return to the area in which you fed them, you will quite literally see them later

always remember kids ❤️❤️ doing this

leads to this ❤️❤️❤️

then the poor gator will need to be euthanized 😔

and you will be rip 😔

everybody loses

#alligators #alligator gifs #alligator safety #i really love alligators #florida gators #gators

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clanwarrior-tumbly · 2 years

Note

How about a platonic and fluffy headcanon or oneshot? Security breach cast ((or just animatronics if it’s too much! ^^)) meet an old animatronic reader ((from like five nights at freddys 1 or 2??)) who’s like a Grandma/Grandpa figure to them and reader tells them the..scary stories from the past restaurants and animatronics?? Like “One time a security guard got stuffed with small animatronics (minireenas) so they could escape!” “…alright grandma/grandpa Y/N did you sleep enough?” Have a nice Day/Night!! ^^

Thanks! ^^ Have a nice day/night too!

........

Glamrock Freddy

Seeing you in your old condition but still functional is..very impressive. Your worn and dirty fabric and obsolete endoskeleton don't stop you from greeting the shiny bear warmly.

He mentions something about other Freddies and endoskeletons and your eyes light up. "Oh! Of course there's been generations of Freddies before you, dear boy. Care to hear a tale about my old buddy, Freddy?"

"Sure, I'll hear about your Freddy." Glam Freddy is eager to hear your stories of past pizzerias and animatronic bears, wondering how they've acted before he came along. He even convinced Gregory to sit while you talk, seeing that you aren’t a threat.

"You know..the poor guard was once so terrified that he hallucinated Freddy's poster changing...to show Freddy ripping his own head off!”

'I didn't know what to expect, but certainly not that.' The bear thinks to himself, not wanting to be rude.

You just have a lot of scary stories to share that may or may not be true about the company.

Glamrock Mr. Hippo

You two instantly click.

You’ve become besties for life, rambling about different things over cups of tea (or soda pop since tea is probably not served at the Pizzaplex).

In Mr. Hippo’s green room you both have chats about the old days, with him having his own tales of being in some “prison” with a miserable old Afton and stuck in the air ducts all the time.

“You know, a fellow much like you..a-albeit without a face, had said something quite intriguing to that old fool: “is it me trapped, or is it you? Perhaps it’s us both”. And it really got me thinking..our lives are like one big prison. I mentioned this to my good friend Orville..”

You nod politely in agreement, ignoring the groans of the Glamrocks who were running late to their next show.

For once, Monty kinda misses Freddy.

Monty Gator

I adore the hc of OMC being his grandpa, so he knows a thing or two about “respecting your elders”.

That’s why he never gets angry or destructive around you, much to the surprise of the Glamrocks.

He doesn’t bring up OMC much though, since all he can do is talk to him via a retro game. So he listens to your stories while you two play golf.

Somehow you score lots of hole-in-ones, beating him at every game. But he refrains from snapping his clubs in half.

You do make comments about his fashion choices, only because you’re still kinda shocked by how much the animatronics have changed over the years.

“Back in my day we just had buttons, hats, and bowties..none of these “moohawks” and shoulder guards.”

“Gramps/Granny...it’s pronounced mohawk.”

DJMM / Mini MMs

You visit the Fazcade for nostalgia reasons when it’s closed and often find DJMM asleep (or about to fall asleep).

It’s your stories that help him doze off after a long day of partying and dancing. Even the scariest tales will make him tired (he’s a big guy ofc so he isn’t afraid of many things).

Because of that you reserve your longer stories for the Mini Music Men that got loose and started hiding in the vents.

They can’t talk like him, being windup toys, but you can see the way their teeth chatter and hands tremble when you spook them with a story (although you don’t mean to and comfort them if they get too scared).

You tell them of a certain shiny endoskeleton who was shy and sometimes ventured through the vents to get around.

But all they can think of are the Glamrock Endos and wonder how their bulky frames would fit.

Daycare Attendant (Sun)

“YOU TELL STORIES??? SO DO I!!!” He practically screams, nearly damaging your old audio receptors in the process.

But you are glad to see he’s a fellow storyteller, too. Though the tales he shares are all made-up, clearly for five year olds who don’t need to know about the company’s horrid history.

You admire his energy, happy to know children still loved animatronics to this very day.

If you mention anything remotely creepy about the franchise, Sun might panic a little like “no, no, no I can’t tell the kiddies that!!! Moon might but...but not me!!”

You aren’t sure if he believes they’re made-up too or he genuinely doesn’t wanna think about them..so you calmly drop the subject and instead listen to him talk about his stories.

Daycare Attendant (Moon)

True to Sun’s words, Moon is the one who tells the creepier stories (they’re not actually nightmare inducing, it’s just the way he talks that terrifies kids).

But unlike the daytime bot, you can freely share stories of your pizzeria’s bizarre and paranormal situations.

He’s just glad to have another animatronic to talk to at all, even if they’re old and not new like him.

“Little ballerinas used a person’s body to hide away, hmm? Interesting... yes..” He snickers.

Part of him wants to use that in some way to threaten the bad children.

Though you think it’ll be too traumatic for a child to hear him say “if you don’t sleep, Minireenas will take over your body and make you sleep forever".

He promises not to say that to anyone.

But later he uses that when he sees Gregory when the hour is up.

Roxanne Wolf

She teases you about being an “old timer” and the like. But nothing cruel, of course. You’ll sometimes tease her in kind.

“Surprised you haven’t kicked the bucket yet, geezer.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t ran out of lipstick, Roxy-Roo.”

“.....what did you call me?” She acts offended but actually doesn’t mind the nickname.

There’s a 98% chance she’ll brag about being the “favorite grandkid”, especially if you’re a fox or wolf-based animatronic.

Speaking of foxes, you share some stories of “Foxy Grandpa” with her, knowing her curiosity.

“One of his oldest songs was in fact a curse that made a boy lose his eye and arm. Everyday items became a danger to him, trying to make him into a pirate: butcher knives, fish hooks, carnival pranks..you name it.”

“Woah..that’s pretty sick.”

“Based on a true story.”

“...deadass???”

Glamrock Chica

Usually shovels food into her mouth while you share your stories, with the occasional “mhm” coming from her.

It seems like she’s more interested in eating. But in truth she’s a good listener and is intrigued by stories of past Chicas, who share a similar love for pizza.

You spoke of a monstrous twisted Chica, with cupcakes stuck to her body to fulfill her never-ending appetite--and a jack o’lantern-like one who was made of pure hellfire.

“You know it’s funny..chickens are yellow when they are young, and when they grow up they’re white. And my..have you grown over the years, sweetheart. That appetite of yours never changed, has it?”

Sentimental talks aside, you do nag at her if she tries to sneakily get Monty Mystery Mix or pick through the trash. And she pouts like a stubborn child before walking away.

Vanessa

Tbh she’s surprised you can still function.

She thinks you could be of some use, so she’ll try to take you for repairs.

But the cylinder is far too complex for your simple wiring and other mechanisms. The thing would probably tear you apart even more.

So you end up teaching her “old school” repairman skills.

Poor girl worked only with digital AIs for so long she never actually had any hands-on experience with authentic animatronics. But she catches on fast while you share stories of other nightguards.

“Did you know one friend of mine, the Mangle, malfunctioned and bit down on the guard’s frontal lobe? I’m surprised the company decided to let them all walk around again.”

“....yeah. Me, too.”

Tbh nothing surprises her anymore.

#clanask #anonymous #fnaf x reader #five nights at freddy's x reader #fnaf sb x reader #fnaf security breach x reader #glamrock freddy #glamrock mr hippo #montgomery gator #glamrock chica #roxanne wolf #dj music man #mini music man #fnaf daycare attendant #fnaf vanessa #animatronic reader #platonic #headcanons #grandparent animatronic yn

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starbeyy · 3 years

Text

how haikyuu characters would die on the oregon trail

this is so incredibly stupid. i guess you can imagine this as them playing the game but I like to think that it’s actually the characters in the old west dying from ancient diseases. it’s funnier that way. cw: cursing, lots of death (but it’s kinda funny)

Karasuno

Hinata // died from cholera. shit himself to death. literally the least glamorous way to die when you’re traversing in search of a better life.

Kageyama // he got bit by a venomous snake but we all know he’s the kind of bitch to get bit by a zombie then not tell anyone, so he’s walking around holding his wrist and then one day he just kinda drops dead and everyones like 🤨 huh?

Tsukishima // literally a broken arm. you can die from a broken arm on the Oregon Trail. and everyone is like a little convinced that someone poisoned him to make him die quicker cause they were so tired of his bitching..

Yamaguchi // broke his leg from jumping into a lake bc he didn’t want to pay for the bathhouse; he limped too much and got run over by the cattle that was pulling his covered wagon :(

Nishinoya // died from exhaustion. he just went too hard for too long and then he tried to wrestle a gator and dropped dead literally immediately after. mad respect tho that gator had it coming ✊🏼😔

Tanaka // another tragic exhaustion loss, but it’s only because he tried to carry Kiyoko the entire way. she tried to make him just let her sit in the covered wagon, but he INSISTED on carrying her piggyback. he made a huge deal of his death but Kiyoko was just like “this could’ve been easily avoided”.

Ennoshita // poor thing was doing a great job, more than halfway there, then he got a fever. a fever put this poor mfer down. i don’t even know what to tell you he just fevered himself to death.

Asahi // he was an early loss. he didn’t want to drink any of the river water or eat any of the meat they bought from ~suspicious~ men on the trail so he eventually died from hunger and thirst. like, you gotta eat. but he simply refused.

Daichi // i genuinely think he makes it to Oregon but then, idk tries to build a barn and accidentally lets the wood frame fall on him. like everyone knows him because he braved the entire Orgeon Trail then got K.O.’d by some 2x4s. rip.

Sugawara // he got measles. like who gets measles? you get it from contaminated droplets and Sugawara just can’t figure out where he might’ve encountered those. except for when he kissed that cow that he didn’t know was dead until he got really close. genuine accident, i swear.

Nekoma

Kuroo // cholera :( he was kinda peeved about it but Kenma caught him one night writing out a bunch of possible jokes to be carved on his tombstone. they ended up just putting the piece of paper on top of his burial spot and calling it a day

Kenma // actually makes it to Oregon. no one knows how, he didn’t even really try. he’s just really good at games, I guess.

Lev // another snakebite lookin’ ass. i think he genuinely just wanted to pet the snake and didn’t think anything of it when its butt rattled. he though it was an invitation like when cats purr. his body didn’t hold up much longer once the venom ran its course.

Yaku // honestly? madness. he didn’t die so much as he tore off all his clothes and abandoned his cattle and covered wagon to run off into the prairie and start his new life as a crazy mountain man. he just shouted “you’re all fools” one day and no one’s seen him since.

Fukurodani

Bokuto // ate some bad wild fruits. it wasn’t hit fault, he was really hungry and he got too attached to his cattle and couldn’t bring himself to kill and eat him :(( but he had a nice little trippy moment before he bit the dust.

Akaashi // y’know what, I’m gonna say it, he makes it to Oregon. and he THRIVES. he builds his house and tends to his cattle. because that’s what he DESERVES.

Aoba Johsai

Oikawa // HAHA he died of typhoid. and if you think this guy didn’t make the BIGGEST deal out of his death. it was absolutely shakespearean. like he was on the brink for three whole days. and he kept giving these long speeches to each of his friends and pretending to die in the middle. then he actually died in the middle of iwaizumi’s and it was kinda awkward.

Iwaizumi // I think he makes it to Oregon, but he like loses his arm to a bout of gangrene or something crazy. like it just rotted and then fell off. and now everyone in Oregon makes fun of him for only having one arm and it’s honestly kinda pissing him off

Kyoutani // let a snake bite him, just to see if he could take it. he could not. he died very shortly after but not before he could try to suck the venom out of his own arm. it was kind of terrifying, honestly.

Yahaba // another brave soldier lost to cholera. no one knows how he caught it and he just kinda bitches about it all the time. Kyoutani pushed him out of the wagon once and he sustained some pretty nasty head trauma from that so it really sped up the process.

Matsukawa // he and Hanamaki thought it would be funny to eat literally any mushroom they came across. obviously this worked against them at some point and they both started dying horrible deaths.

Hanamaki // basically when he and Mattsun were on their deathbeads, they gave an engraving on a piece of wood for both of them to be put at the gravesites bc obviously they’re gonna be buried together. it isn’t until they’re six feet under and the pieces of wood have been stuck into the ground that the group looks really closely and sees that the pieces go together to spell “PENIS”. classic.

Shiratorizawa

Ushijima // listen he just looks like the kinda guy to catch typhoid. but he doesn’t tell anyone that he doesn’t feel well, he just kinda coughs on the low and wipes the blood from the crook of his elbow. when he finally dies, everyone just kinda looks behind them and is like “where’s wakatoshi?🤔”. he’s dead, ya’ll, like four miles back.

Tendou // i’m sorry he’s got that sickly victorian child look you know he was one of the first to contract something deadly. i think he like caught multiple diseases. he was collecting them like pokemon: diptheria, dysentery, typhoid, you name it. the worst thing about him dying on the trail was the fact that his body couldn’t be donated to science. no one had any clue how he lived so long with so many ailments coursing through him.

Goshiki // he broke his arm. he BROKE his ARM and then DIED. yes, that can literally happen in the game do not ask me how. there was no foul play, no overexertion, he just 💀. sorry, buddy.

Inarizaki

Atsumu // he drowned. you wanna know how?

Osamu // drowned while wrestling Atsumu. it was a friendly quarrel turned nasty fight as they rolled into the gross river water. everyone kinda stood around and watched but they couldn’t tell when the flailing limbs were cries for help rather than thrown punches. swallowed too much water. guess it’s better than contracting double-cholera with your twin brother.

Kita // exhaustion. this boy doesn’t stop walking. everyone is begging him to set up camp or lay in the covered wagon for a little while but he refuses, he just wants to keep walking. yeah he eventually just drops dead and everyone’s actually pretty sad about it.

Suna // the kind of bitch to fake diptheria. he acts all achey and feverish and says he just HAS to stay in the covered wagon. he says he can’t fish or hunt or do anything and then when someone actually catches diptheria, he’s forced out of the wagon bc he doesn’t wanna catch it. he does anyways. good riddance.

Aran // yeah he was the one who gave Suna diptheria. he didn’t mean to get it, but it was a little bit satisfying to watch Suna cringe as Aran gave him a big hug and called them “diptheria buddies”. they had a nice little double grave though <3.

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lu-undy · 4 years

Text

Chapter 26 - SBT

Here it is!

"And there we go. Darts are back to full."

Mundy put them aside. He had worked all morning in the back of his campervan on making more ammunition for when he would go to the old sugar factory up North. He wasn't sure when was the best time to go or what he should expect.

"Guess there's one way to find out."

He exited the back of his van and jumped at the front.

"Right, let's go."

The hunter started the engine and drove away from the lake. A bit under an hour later, he found himself in the dirtiest neighbourhood of town. The sound of his heeled boots resonated on the pavement. Kids ran past him and Mundy watched as people were coming and going. He passed the alley that Maurice had taken him through a few weeks ago, and as it was lunchtime, he saw the poorest souls of the city lining up for some warm soup.

"Speaking of the devil..."

He stopped and turned at the familiar voice.

"Ah, Maurice. I was lookin' for you."

The beggar was exiting a house on the side.

"Just in time." Maurice said.

"Oh, you were lookin' for me too?"

"Not exactly, but how can I help?"

"I got a few things to ask you." Mundy answered.

"Then let us go in." Maurice opened the door to that same house again. "After you."

A few minutes later, the hunter and the beggar were sitting underground.

"Go ahead." Maurice said as both took a seat.

"First things first, how's Eric?" Mundy asked. As he recalled the events, he had brought the poor man to Maurice in the early hours of the morning that day.

"Him and his family are safe, he is out of Duchemin's sight too, don't worry."

"Ah, that's good to know, thanks mate."

"His thigh is much better too. The doctor said that it would be a matter of days and he might even not have a scar after a few months."

"Perfect."

"But tell me, Mundy, did you manage to get the animals you were after?"

"Well, I went to get the 'gators."

"Did you find them?"

"I did, yeah. I found them and a few extra corcs that belong to the West reserve."

"Ah, congratulations then. You must feel proud."

"Yeah, well…" Mundy seemed hesitant.

"Ah, I see. You will be truly satisfied when you retrieve all of the animals, hm?"

Mundy bobbed his head left and right.

"Yes and no. When I went to get the alligators there was a bloke there. He wasn't Duchemin's."

"Ah." Maurice faked his surprise.

"Turns out he wasn't in for the alligators, but for Duchemin himself."

"Hm-mh." Maurice nodded.

"You know the bloke?"

"I might. Was he very well dressed, suit and tie? Expensive Italian shoes?"

"I didn't pay attention to his shoes, but yeah he was wearing a suit and tie, and a weird ski mask."

Maurice's bushy eyebrows jumped.

"A man of tradition he is…" He mumbled to himself.

"So you do know him?"

"I used to, yes. Now, I am not so sure. More than a decade flashed between then and now..." Maurice raised his eyes to Mundy. He wanted that sentence to echo in him. The hunter looked away for a second. Without saying it, Maurice was really saying that it was the same for Mundy. More than a decade flashed between then and now...

"Who is he? What is he?" The Aussie finally broke the short silence that weighed a lot, strangely enough.

"Ah, well, those questions both require long answers. What did he tell you about himself?" Maurice couldn't hold back a smile. He was literally quoting himself from his conversation with Lucien.

"Well, I don't know. But the bloke sure knows how to fight. I saw him bounce off a wall and practically unscrew one of Duchemin's men's jaw with his foot while having his hands cuffed! Complete madness! And then he tortured Eric…! Put his tiny butter knife in his thigh and didn't think twice about it!"

Mundy paused to catch his breath. He removed his hat off his head and put it on the large oval table.

"And that's just what he does. When he speaks, he's colder than a snake, brrr!" Mundy shook his shoulders as shivers shot through his spine.

"What is your point?" Maurice asked.

"He wants Duchemin too." Mundy answered. "Does that make him an ally?"

"I don't know." Maurice answered. "Did he seem like one?"

"He helped. Well, he did save me from being shot behind that pillar…"

Maurice's lips pursed up in a smile.

"Why are you not telling me more about him?"

"Because that is none of my concern. I am merely here to provide the information I can to you."

"And to him, it seems, eh?"

"It does seem so."

"Why does he want Duchemin?" Mundy asked. "When he tortured that poor bloke to know where Duchemin was, he… He looked horribly insensitive. It's like he wasn't feeling an ounce of the pain that he was causing."

"He is very cold-blooded, indeed. That makes him extremely efficient."

Mundy frowned and nodded.

"Doesn't tell me why he wants Duchemin."

"For very different yet very similar reasons to you." Maurice answered.

"Pff…" Mundy smiled and rolled up his eyes. "You couldn't make less sense if you wanted."

"Is there something I can help you with?" Maurice asked to change the subject. Mundy raised his eyes to him and left them hanging there, from over his yellow sunglasses, before nodding.

"Yeah, the old sugar factory." Mundy started. "Apparently that's where Duchemin has the rest of the stolen beasts. I'd like to know how many and what sizes."

Maurice's eyebrows jumped.

"I see. Give me a few days and I will see what I can learn from there."

"Right. Anything I can do to repay the favour?" Mundy asked.

"Favour?" Maurice repeated. "What favour?"

"Your help. I'm not paying you, nor am I helping you out in any way. Maybe I can do something for you?"

Maurice chuckled gently.

"No, Mundy, nothing you can do."

"Well, let me know if there's anything I can do, eh?"

The Aussie grabbed his hat off the table and put it on his head as he stood up and headed for the door to leave.

"Actually, one thing, Mundy."

"Yeah?" He stopped sharp and turned.

"Take a break while I work on getting you some intelligence. You look like you could do with a quiet day, maybe two."

"Well, I… Thanks."

Both men nodded at each other and Mundy left.

-- Later that day --

Mundy was laying on top of his campervan, on the roof. His hat was covering his head as he napped there. The sandwich he got for lunch had put him to sleep very easily and all he had needed after that was a good nap next to the lake. The shy waves softly rolled to the shore and they repeated their languid motion until the hunter had fallen asleep.

He slowly opened his eyes and felt the sun cook him gently. He loved that feeling. All the warmth he wasn't getting from fellow humans, he got from the big day star that is the sun. Mundy pushed his hat away from his face and took a deep breath.

"Gosh…"

Maurice's words came back to him.

"You look like you could do with a quiet day, maybe two."

Mundy had been about to explain why he had big bags under his eyes. But decided against it.

It was the nightmares. They were unbearable as of late. He had wild visions. His parents, the farm, fire. Flames that devoured, consumed. His father with a rifle. His mother screaming. The pan of mac'n'cheese overflowing. Black. Red. Orange. Yellow.

Black again, silence, darkness. And his father's voice.

Crazed gunman.

No. He wasn't a crazed gunman. No, no! He treated nature with utmost respect, he… He did his best! He never killed for fun and he never accepted killing contracts! It was only scaring poachers away!

You should have stuck to playin' the saxophone, son. Honest job, honest pay.

But there was nothing dishonest about trying to save the wildlife! And if he didn't do it, who would? No one! Everyone cared about animals but never enough to actually get out there and save them! And Goddamn it! If only animals could speak, then we would hear their pain and anxiety as we burn and destroy their lands, as we hunt them for their very skins or their bones! Imagine! Being hunted for your skin!

Why don't you care about people? You could help the community out.

By doing what? I'm shit with people.

That's because you never really tried.

Yeah, I did, countless times. Dad, I… People are complicated. They lie, they're never straight and I never understand what they want with me…

The disappointment in his father's eyes screamed in his head louder than church bells. It was deafening and burning his eyes. Mundy looked the other way, his cheeks crimson. His father and him never understood each other. Never. And his mother? She tried, she was always particularly sensitive when it came to her son. But his father would always dismiss it, take it for a woman's weakness.

"Stop!"

Mundy roared as he put his hands on his ears and sat up in a flash. He breathed heavily and grasped his hair left and right.

"Nnh!"

He hated to hear it again, his father's disappointment. It ripped his heart apart. He wished he could explain himself to him more, maybe this time he would understand…? But no, there was no way. Apart from going to the cemetery and talking to a bit of stone, there was no way. And then Mundy thought about all the conversations he wouldn't have with his parents, the meals he didn't and wouldn't share, the chicken and geese of the farm that he dearly missed. But what pained him the most was of course, the words he would never hear his father and mother say…

Mundy got off his van's rooftop and slipped in his campervan. He put his hands in his pockets and saw the black suit that was hanging from the bed rails. It had been a bit more than a week now and he hadn't found it in himself to hang it back in his cupboard. Mundy stared at it silently for a moment. He sighed and felt something in his pocket again.

"What…? Ah."

First the suit. Now the leaflet. Stars were aligning.

-- Evening --

"Have you made your choice, Sir?"

"Ah, yeah, I'll take this chocolate dessert of yours."

"Anything else with that, Sir?"

"Uh, no, thanks."

The blue leathered menu went from naked hands that showed decades under the sun to white gloved ones, and the waiter disappeared, leaving the man with the ponytail in peace at his table.

Mundy quickly did the ribbon to tie his hair again before leaning back on his chair. He looked up and his eyes rolled up to the ceiling. Through the impressive chandeliers, he could see the paintings. Little plump angels playing some kind of ancien trumpets, clouds, golden streaks of paints that shone beautifully despite the age of the establishment; all that in a very light pink background that must have been much brighter a long, long time before.

Take a break, Maurice had said. Well, the van had decided that the best thing for Mundy was to come back to that filthy posh place that is the Queen Victoria. Mundy himself wasn't particularly up for it, neither was he strongly against it. He just didn't like that he had to wear a suit for it. Although, now that he thought about it, it wasn't as narrow as the last time he had put it on.

"Does this table suit you?"

"Oh, yeah, sure, thanks."

Mundy's daydream was broken by the voices of the people at the table in front of him, a young couple. The waiter pulled the chair for the girl to sit and gave them both menus before leaving.

"How did you manage to get us a table here?" The young man asked his girlfriend when the waiter was out of earshot.

"Oh, I have my ways…" She smirked.

"Do you?" He played along and she nodded, chuckling. "Nah, seriously tell me." He insisted.

"The bloke who sings." She said and Mundy's ears pricked up. "He's a client at work, and a friend. I made a bet with him and he owed me a table here."

"Woah… What was the bet?" The young man asked.

"He said he could be hired here and I didn't believe him. So I said to him that if he did get hired, then he'd owe me one dinner here."

"I see. Well, please do make more bets like these, eh. But uh, was the bet not to have dinner with him?"

Mundy half smiled. He could hear the young man's worries in the tone of his voice. He knew that the poor bloke feared that his sheila would have preferred to have dinner with that fancy singer.

"No, yes, I mean. Charlie, it's not what you think…" She said and put her hand on his. "You'll see him when he starts singing. He's old enough to be my dad…! No, he is just a friend, don't worry."

"Right… Otherwise I guess all I have left is to try and sing better than him, eh?"

Mundy smiled. He was happy for both of them but he wished that they really knew the amount of luck God had blessed them both with. Maybe they knew, surely they didn't, or at least they were too busy staring in each other's eyes to dwell on that thought too much. No, that could wait. Now was their time, the time of him and her.

"Your dessert, Sir."

The waiter's voice pulled Mundy's eyes from the couple in front to him to his own plate.

"Ah, thanks."

His eyes went one last time to the lovebirds table as he started eating the dessert. They were sitting left and right from the candle. The flame was dancing in balance at the equilibrium point in the middle of the invisible thread that held their gaze into one another. Mundy looked at the candle on his own table and raised his eyes. There was no one in the empty chair in front of him, he sighed.

"Ladies and gentlemen…!"

Mundy raised his head to the stage as the lights went down low. He put his spoon on his empty plate and listened carefully.

"Tonight, our dear Lulu and his orchestra have prepared something in his native tongue! Lulu? The floor is yours…!"

The thick red curtains slowly rolled left and right and there he was. Under a bright spotlight, wearing a dark blue suit this time. The light only showed him on a piano. He looked at the microphone and took a deep breath before starting. But he didn't sing, no, he spoke.

"I would like to dedicate this song to the half that I lost ten years ago now. She was… the light of my life, the one who brought peace to me, who made a man of me. I…" He raised his eyes. "C'est pour toi, mon amour."

[This one is for you, my love.]

Mundy couldn't even gulp down. The intensity, the force with which that man spoke…! The Aussie felt himself sink deeper in his chair. But what caught his ear was the accent. Now that he thought about it, it was very similar to that other French bloke.

The singer lowered his eyes to his fingers. He let them slowly sink on the keys in slow, mellow arpeggios. A sad song was coming, that was sure.

Hmm… Mundy liked it already.

{To the reader: this song is called "La Solitude" by Barbara}

"Je l'ai trouvée devant ma porte

[I found her at my doorstep]

Un soir, que je rentrais chez moi

[One evening, as I was coming back home]

Partout, elle me fait escorte

[Everywhere, she accompanies me]

Elle est revenue, elle est là

[She has come back, here she is]

La renifleuse des amours mortes

[She can smell dead loves]

Elle m'a suivie, pas à pas"

[She followed me, step after step]

Mundy wasn't understanding the lyrics but he could feel them because Music doesn't need to speak to be understood. No, she went beyond words and plucked on the Aussie's heartstrings directly.

"Elle nous fait le coeur à pleurer

[She makes us such that our hearts will cry]

Elle nous fait des matins blêmes

[She gives us pale mornings]

Et de longues nuits désolées

[And long, sad nights]

La garce ! Elle nous ferait même

[The bitch! She even makes]

L'hiver au plein coeur de l'été

[Winter come in the middle of summer]

The singer was handsome, sublime. He had that elegance, that charm that made everyone just hang on to his very lips, breathe when he did, hold their breath when he spoke, just to be sure to catch all of his music, his poetry, his heartbreak.

"Dans ta triste robe de moire

[In your sad, iridescent dress]

Avec tes cheveux mal peignés

[With your dishevelled hair]

T'as la mine du désespoir

[Your ugly mug that shows despair]

Tu n'es pas belle à regarder

[You are ugly to look at]

Allez, va t-en porter ailleurs

[Come on, go take away]

Ta triste gueule de l'ennui

[Your ugly mug that shows boredom]

Je n'ai pas le goût du malheur

[I don't want to taste your misfortune]

Va-t-en voir ailleurs si j'y suis."

[Go away and see if I'm somewhere else.]

His fingers were more confident and the singer looked away to catch his breath for an instant. Mundy didn't even realise but he himself was leaning back on his chair, his long legs were flowing in front of him and he had put one foot on the other. He was… relaxed. The music had soothed him, yeah, it had brought him some peace. But oh, what was that? The singer was now facing the microphone again, his brow was furrowed, his eyes screwed shut. It was hard to sing those words out of him.

"Je veux encore rouler des hanches

[I still want to roll my hips]

Je veux me saouler de printemps

[I want to get drunk on spring]

Je veux m'en payer, des nuits blanches

[I want to spend more sleepless nights]

A coeur qui bat, à coeur battant

[With my heart beating, my heart racing]

Avant que sonne l'heure blême

[Before the pale hour rings]

Et jusqu'à mon souffle dernier

[And until my last breath]

Je veux encore dire je t'aime

[I want to say I love you again]

Et vouloir mourir d'aimer"

[And want to die of love.]

Oh… Mundy thought he might actually have understood that. He couldn't really say but it was something in the way that the man in the impeccable suit and poetic hair was singing. There was the despair and frustration, the pain of the loss of a loved one that he wouldn't find ever again. The contradiction of knowing that this was certain, definitive, but still craving to wake up the next day and find that special person/people there.

"Depuis, elle me fait des nuits blanches

[Since then, she makes me spend sleepless nights]

Elle s'est pendue à mon cou

[She hangs herself around my neck]

Elle s'est enroulée à mes hanches

[She laced herself around my hips]

Elle se couche à mes genoux

[She sleeps on my lap]

Partout, elle me fait escorte

[Everywhere, she accompanies me]

Et elle me suit, pas à pas

[And she follows me, step after step]

Elle m'attend devant ma porte

[She waits for me at my own doorstep]

Elle est revenue, elle est là

[She has come back, she is here]

La Solitude, la Solitude"

[The Solitude, the Solitude]

Mundy's eyes snapped wide. The singer opened his eyes. Tears were running down his cheeks. He bit his lip and sniffed away from the microphone but Mundy saw it all and more importantly, the last words resonated in his head.

"The Solitude."

That same ungrateful mistress that had the Aussie chained to his van, the same that had him wander hopelessly in the desert for years, the same that had him surviving but not living; because she had starved him of his senses. She had stolen his nose and mouth to prevent him from tasting anything but the bitterness of the misery she put him through, she had stolen his eyes to make sure he would see no one else but her, like a jealous, overly possessive wife that nonetheless gladly cheats with the first man to come…

That singer, he had put words, sounds, music, on what Mundy's despair had been for the entire past decade. How…? Each sound he uttered broke both of them. The singer, and the spectator, the Frenchman and the Aussie, two worlds from continents that should never have met and yet, they did.

And who was to blame? That same insolent and perverse mistress. Solitude.

The singer finished the song with a solo on the piano. He spoke to the microphone all along.

"J'aimerais te revoir, un jour,

[I would like to see you again, one day]

Juste une fois,

[Just one more time,]

Un soir

[One night]

T'enlacer,

[To hold you in my arms,]

Fondre sous la chaleur de ton corps."

[Melt under the heat of your body.]

Mundy felt his throat shrink around a hot, unpleasant ball growing bigger and bigger, constricting his airway. He had been holding his breath, his fists were clenched like steel on his lap.

That man who was murmuring to the microphone had no idea what he was doing. He had no clue that there, in the crowd, there was a man in a black suit, and yellow tinted glasses; a fully grown man who had killed, gutted and eviscerated more creatures than all of the people around them. And yet, that man in the ponytail was clenching his jaw, gritting his teeth and contracting his core.

His eyes glistened under the candle.

#tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sniperspy #SBT

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dr-pepper-cherry · 3 years

Text

The Crimson Rangers

Where would Robin Hood be without the aid of his Merry Men? Or how could Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid accomplish their heists without the aid of The Wild Bunch? Neither of them could have gotten as far as they did without the aid of their gangs and the same goes for Deadeye, legendary gunslinger or not. Deadeye's group, The Crimson Rangers are composed of rogues and mercenaries two hundred and fifty strong that bring their own sense of vigilante justice to the lands of Hell. Founded and led by the Ranger In Red, Deadeye, they are infamous for their skills in stealth, accuracy and deadly efficiency. Whether it is to steal from the rich to give to the poor, assassinate the malicious and monstrous or to simply lend their skills as the greatest gunslingers and sharpshooters in Hell, they are the guns for hire when quality is wanted more than quantity.

Wiley “Dust Devil” Jackson

Demon Form: Jackrabbit

Age: 26

Division: Gunslinger

Rank: Sheriff

One of the fastest gunslingers around in both his time and the modern day, Wiley has always been quick on the draw, quick on his feet, and quick to run his mouth. Born as an orphan on the back alley streets of Boston, Massachusetts in 1860, the young outlaw began his path to banditry after he grew tired of the upper classes complete disregard to his existence and stole food from them to feed himself. Overtime, his quick hands and quicker feet would gather more than just food as he stole money, bullets and a gun, which finally got him in trouble after he used said gun to shoot a state marshal dead. With a bounty on his head at the age of 18, he ran off to the west, where he would only continue his life of crime by robbing stagecoaches and shooting strangers with a smile. His time finally came to an end when he entered a quick draw contest and attempted to draw guns against Johnny Harlan, who he discovered too late was just a bit faster.

Even after his death, Wiley refused to slow down his wild ways and continued his life of crime, unaware of all the attention he was drawing. When he crossed guns against a overlord who wanted him dead, he thought he was as good as gone until another gunslinger, cloaked in signature red, saved his life. Between feeling indebted to The Ranger In Red and wanting to be on the stronger side, he joined up with Deadeye's growing gang and was even promoted to the rank of Sheriff after his service in the Black Army Wars. Now in charge of the Crimson Ranger Gunslingers, he always skipping with a smile, running as fast as he talks, and ready to draw on just about anything.

Fun Facts About "Dust Devil"

. He has a tendency to be rather boastful about himself and his skills as a gunslinger. But if he can shut his mouth for two minutes and focus on the task at hand, many demons find out the hard way that he can back up his claims.

. Out of all the Crimson Rangers, he knows the streets of Pentagram City best, having grown up in a similar background.

. He's a pretty big fan of baseball, having spent most of his childhood playing baseball with the other orphans before his turn to gunfighting. Because of his years of practice, he is also the best thrower of the Rangers.

Voice Claim: Jack Marston - Red Dead Redemption

Art Credit: gimmieasmile

Doc "Rip Van Winkle" Friday

Demon Form: Hound Dog

Age: 76

Division: Sharpshooter

Rank: Sheriff

A soldier since adulthood and a sharpshooter since his first rifle, Old Doc may seem lazy, lofty and so paranoid he will never use his real name, but give him a reason to stare down a scope and he'll happily demonstrate why he leads the Crimson Ranger Sharpshooters. Born in Monterrey, Mexico in 1787, Doc joined the army at a young age and fought in many wars over the century, such as the War of 1812, the Texas-Indian Wars and the Mexican-American War, before entering the Civil War for the Union as he believed Mexico would be next, should the Confederates win. Being assigned into the 1st United States Sharpshooters Regiment, he lent his skills with his rifle to the United States and took control of the forces after his former captain, Josiah McGrath, was believed to be killed.

Although he was renowned for his sharpshooting prowess and professionalism, the horrors of both wars past and present began to take a toll on his mind as he began targeting anyone and everyone who even supported the Confederates, soldiers and civilians alike. His last fight would be at The Battle Of The Crater, as he was caught up with trying to shoot down another confederate when he was caught in a blast of cannon fire.

In Hell, Doc slowly began to cool from his soldiering days and often explored the many forests that laid through Hell before stumbling upon The Red Woods and even finding the son of his former captain, Cyrus McGrath who was now known as Deadeye. Helping the McGrath get back on his feet in an attempt to pay back Josiah, Doc was the first of The Crimson Rangers and even led them in the Black Army Wars, leading to his promotion to Sheriff. Even hundreds of years old, Doc doesn't plan to retire any time soon.

Fun Facts About "Rip Van Winkle"

. He's quite skilled with an acoustic guitar and doesn't mind playing the occasional song on his time off.

. Due to his laid-back personality, his years of wisdom and the occasional complaint about his old bones, he is often referred to as Grandpa Doc or Old Man. He doesn't really mind the old man nicknames. He does mind being called McGruff, however.

. His bloodhound form has made him a far better tracker than he was when he was alive. With enhanced senses, including a much stronger sense of smell, he can follow the trail of practically anyone.

Voice Claim: Raul Tejada - Fallout: New Vegas

Art Credit: Juju

Tacitus “Taci” Macello Andronicus, III

Demon Form: Alligator

Age: 44

Division: Stalker

Rank: Sheriff

An quiet and silent enforcer to The Crimson Rangers, one may be surprised to learn that the giant in scales actually leads the Crimson Ranger Stalkers, something that they might find funny until they realized Taci is right behind them. Raised in New Orleans in 1846, Tacitus's human life is a subject he barely likes to touch upon. Aside from his past as a enforcer for a local gang and his death at the hands of a rival gang throwing him to the gators, not much else is touched upon in his tales of his past. But while his past may remain a mystery, his present in Hell is all well known.

After his death, Taci's was quick to rejoin his old gang, making a comfortable living off cracking open skulls and bashing in debtors who tried to swindle them. He grew so comfortable in his position, he would even believe himself unbeatable. But that attitude was all but lost when a new arrival in Hell, a maniacal fox who called herself Viy, sought to take claim over more than just the business. Even though Taci tried to end her reign of terror then and there, he underestimated the warlord's strength and was beaten to unconsciousness. When he next awoke, the hideout was burnt to ruins, the bodies of his allies laid scattered around him and he himself was taken as a prisoner. Enslaved and transferred to Camp Beznadiynyy, Taci was experimented on and tested on with many of the Black Army weapons in an attempt to get him to break to the warlord's will. But even after being a test subject for several years and the torturous process that left numerous unhealable scars all across his body and the lost of his left arm, he would refuse to break, clinging on to a hope that he can escape and crush that warmonger's throat.

While he would never get to deal with Viy personally, his hopes for escape were answered when The Ranger In Red attacked the camp and freed the prisoners inside, Taci included. After Deadeye got him to safety in his woods and even crafted a replacement arm with a hidden cannon from his father's blueprints, Taci felt indebted to the gunslinger and served with Deadeye in the Black Army Wars, even being promoted to Sheriff for his efforts. The gentle giant he may be, he will show no mercy to anyone he hunts.

Fun Facts About "Taci"

. There have been some rumors that Taci manages to keep his assassination targets hidden by eating them, bones and all. It's probably not true. Probably.

. His mechanical arm actually contains a few more nifty gadgets. His fingertips can shoot out .357 Magnum ammunition, his wrist can detach and shoot out with a chain, allowing him to grapple objects or pull targets to him from far away and by detaching his arm, he can fire a last resort cannon blast.

. Due to his crocodilian form and his own swimming skills, Taci does his best work in the water, being practically undetectable in the waves.

Voice Claim: Wrex - Mass Effect

Art Credit: FatForSurvival18

Jessie "Silver" McCoy

Demon Form: Wolf

Age: 19

Division: Gunslinger

Rank: Deputy

While tales of The Reaper in Red struck fear and terror into the hearts of most who hear them, Jessie only found them awe-inspiring and hopeful. Born to a middle class family in Kansas, Jessie had always sought to separate him from the boring deeds of his family. He didn’t want to be known as some random farmer. He wanted his name on wanted posters, to be the next outlaw of legend. Going so far as to begin dressing up like a gunslinger, this wish for fame got him into a bad spot when a greenhorn bounty hunter believed he was the infamous Reaper In Red and forced Jessie to a duel, where he discovered his knack for the quickdraw just in time to shoot the bounty hunter dead. With the bounty hunter's death, Jessie found pride in his actions and left town to continue his life as an outlaw, even though he had no bounty. Despite his lack of experience, his talent for gunslinging was not only keeping him alive, it also brought a good amount of fame to his name. He might have become a legend of the west if not for the bounty hunter's younger brother, who stabbed the "outlaw" to death while his back was turned.

At first an aimless drifter in the afterlife, his actions as a gunfighter soon landed himself an audience with his childhood idol. But instead of greeting the Reaper In Red with the standard hostility, he left Deadeye confused as he went completely starstruck, going on a million miles a minute about Deadeye's past. While Deadeye was confused at the sudden attention, he found Jessie to be a reliable asset to the rangers, not to mention rather enduring that there were some people who actually liked him. So when the ranger offered a spot in his growing gang to the kid, Jessie joined on the spot with a grin on his face. Even after all these years, Jessie may still be as reckless as ever, but his persistence and talent have never once failed The Crimson Rangers.

Fun Facts About "Silver"

. Silver, by his very namesake, is one of the most charming and charismatic members of The Crimson Rangers. Because of his wordsmithing talents, he is often sent as the messenger and communicator to many deals with other demons or those who claim they wish to aid the rangers. And should his wording fail, he's got one hell of a gun hand to back himself up.

. Despite the form of a wolf, Silver is one of the kindest members of The Crimson Rangers, always facing every problem with optimism. However, during the rare times he actually loses his temper, he has a tendency to growl and bear his fangs.

. Having spent most of his childhood pouring through adventure novels and the like, he seems to be a bit genre savvy and tends to anticipates tropes that their targets would use in order to catch them.

Voice Claim: Shinji Ikari - Neon Genesis Evangelion

Art Credit: ✘❝ • 𝕱𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖍𝖎𝖊 𝕰𝖝𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗 • ❞✘

Todd "Ranger" Clarkson

Demon Form: Elk

Age: 20

Division: Sharpshooter

Rank: Deputy

Character Owned By: Ranger Todd

Out of the thieves and rouges in the Crimson Rangers, practically no one would expect to encounter a park ranger from the 80's. But don't be so quick as to laugh him off as the eye down the iron sights of his Winchester may be the last thing you never see.

What started as a simple summer job in Beaver Brook National Park quickly spiraled into a mysterious death trap for any poacher who dared to step into those woods. Park Ranger Todd Clarkson, who loved nature and wished to preserve it, often used his rifle to hunt poachers and those who disrespected the forest. While missing posters began to fly up on billboards and milk cartons, his fellow rangers never thought much on it until another park ranger discovered his hideaway shack, filled with evidence of the missing poachers. In his attempt to talk with Todd about the bodies, words were mixed up and a fight broke out. Although Todd managed to win, a fire had broken out in their brawl and gave Todd no time to react as he passed out from both his wounds and the smoke.

Todd would continue to stay near the trees and forests he grew attached to and was even bold enough to camp in the Red Woods, drawing the attention of the Crimson Rangers. While wary of Todd at first, the Crimson Rangers soon found his skills impressive after he aided in securing their home from corporate hands and offered him a place among them. With some refinement from Deadeye and Rip Van Winkle, Todd grew into a valued sharpshooter who now lends his rifle to the cause of The Crimson Rangers.

Fun Facts About "Ranger"

. His hat was given to him by the love of his life just before he died, and it's his most sentimental possession.

. Ranger dosen't keep pistols. He's confident in his ability to nail his target with a repeater at long range or short. And on the rare occasion he misses a point blank shot, he has even more confidence in his hunting knife.

. While a rarity, there’s a chance every now and then where he will cough up smoke. He’s not really sure why.

Voice Claim: MacCready - Fallout 4

Kozō "Kage" Jirokichi

Demon Form: Rat

Age: 41

Division: Stalker

Rank: Deputy

Originally a street rat from the streets of Kyoto, Japan, Kozō had grown to hate the taxes and laws that oppressed his people and sought to fight against the might of the local lords. His attempts to protest against the lords resulted in his branding and banishment, further dragging his name into the dirt. However, he was undeterred in his fight and instead snuck into the palace and ran off with their entire supply of gold. Working on his own, Kozō adopted a Robin Hood like persona, robbing the rich and sharing his wealth to the poor. He grew infamous for his exploits and managed to sneak and steal for fifteen years until he was finally caught and executed. Even though his intentions were for the greater good, thievery is still a sin and so he was dammed to Hell.

Upon arrival, Kozō attempted to fade into obscurity, but his actions had caught the attention of the overlords. They were worried they too would be robbed by the infamous thief and attempted to have him killed once again. But before one attempt almost claimed his afterlife, he was rescued by The Crimson Rangers, who he felt rather grateful towards as they were some of the first few people who showed him kindness since he landed down in Hell. Lending his skills as a thief, he was taken into their fold and has resumed his old life of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. Just with the aid of more than himself.

Fun Facts About "Kage"

. The blade at his hip is the infamous Juuchi Yosamu, or 10,000 Cold Nights, that he stole from legendary swordsmith, Sengo Muramasa. The blade is so perfectly sharp that it is able to slice through anything as if it was passing through water, be it solid steel to even the air around him. While it is a incredible weapon, he finds it is also an incredible thieving tool since he can practically make his own entrances and exits.

. He is rarely ever far from a bottle of sake. While he usually keeps himself off the bottle until his task is complete, there are times where he will sneak a quick sip if things get too stressful.

. While he primarily speaks in Japanese, he can understand English fairly well and has been teaching some of the rangers Japanese in return. It's a slow process, but a process nonetheless.

Voice Claim: Kazuma Kiryu - Yakuza

Art Credit: Shakers

Rosa "Bullet-Weaver" de la Costa

Demon Form: Fox

Age: 28

Division: Gunslinger

Rank: Deputy

For Rosa de la Costa, life is as wild as you wish to make it. And if you must be the one to make it wild, you better leave a performance that will be remembered. A dashing pistolera from Mexico, Rosa life started out with a dream to see the world and indulge in every pleasure she could achieve through dance and song. But in a time before such things would become popular and where those who reached fame had to twirl guns or be feared, life was often poor for Rosa who had to expand her talents to keep a stable income. Through a combination of dancing, singing and sleeping with anyone who paid every now and then, she had begun to earn a name for herself, short as it was yet enough to live a life of comfort and carefreeness. Of course, this life wouldn’t last forever, much to her dismay. But a richer, more exciting one would be drawing near as one night, she was accosted by three thugs, a gaggle of foul-mouthed morons who were interested in a free performance and were not looking to hear a no. But when they fired upon her after a rather violent refusal, the dancer was miraculously unscathed from the flurry of bullets, leaving her bewildered and amazed. Even more so as she stole a pistol from them and fired three rounds in their heads, despite never even holding a gun before. For Rosa, this was a sign that her life was meant for more, a sign to be something greater. And with three men dead and her being the only witness, she was eager to leave her old life behind anyway. Over the next few years, tales of the Bullet-Weaver were spread far and wide, a queen among gunslingers who no bullet could touch. She was feared for her pistol work, beloved for her beauty and skills, and was proud of the reputation she had earned. But she had attracted more than just looks as she found out too late one night when a handsome stranger she had taken to bed revealed himself to be a bounty hunter. And while no bullet could ever touch her, the hangman's noose certainly could.

She may have known exactly where she was going in the afterlife, but she had no idea it was going to be so alive and vibrant, especially in Pentagram City. Putting her pistols aside for the moment, Rosa spent her early years lavishing in her original dream, finding fame and fortune as a lounge singer. But even though she had found a life of comfort, she found it rather boring and uneventful. Every day was a song she knew and every want was taken care of in tandem. The life of a wandering pistolera had left quite the impression upon her and she ached to return to the life of adventure once more. But with the end of gunslingers approaching and more advanced guns being forged, she felt as if it was a dream she couldn't reach. She felt she was now stuck in her afterlife until one of her fans, a certain jackrabbit who knew about the pistolera, was more interested in her skills with a gun instead and invited her to join The Crimson Rangers. Finding comfort, safety and familiarity in the Crimson Rangers, Rosa has since become a valued member of the gang, even teaching them her ways of evasion. At least to anyone who can keep up.

Fun Facts About "Bullet-Weaver"

. She may no longer practice prostitution, but the attitude for it never left her. She’s not above using her charms to seduce her targets, loves a good dirty joke and tends to flirt with just about anyone and everyone.

. Though her skill with guns is as good as any ranger, she’s also quite skilled in the capoeira marital art, often getting through every fight with flare and grace.

. The red bandana she wears was a gift from the first man she ever grew to love. While his name has now been lost to her, the bandana remains as a treasured possession.

Voice Claim: Isabela - Dragon Age: Inquisition

Art Credit: Sugartooth

Holly "Iron Maiden" Mayberry

Demon Form: Horse

Age: 35

Division: Sharpshooter

Rank: Deputy

While she is now known for her tough-as-nails personality and unwillingness to take anything lying down, There was a time in Holly’s life where her only wants were raising a family and living a life of home and comfort. But that dream has long since died.

Formerly a loving wife to Eric Mason, a local cowboy in Marble Falls, Texas, her former life was taken from her after the recently appointed sheriff took an interest in her. Even though she was married and completely uninterested in such a vain and callous man, he cared not of her concerns and wanted to make her his, no matter how. And when one of his attempts earned him a black eye from Eric, the sheriff twisted his sentence from assault to attempted murder and sentenced him to hang. Seeing her husband hanging from the gallows brought something cold and vengeful in her soul as she used the sheriff’s feelings against him, brought him out to Eric's grave and murdered him with her bare hands before giving one last goodbye to her husband and running out of Marble Falls as fast as she could. Bringing Eric's killer to justice brought a sense of belonging that left an impression on the widow as she decided to pick up a line of work she knew would both be bringing in money and the feeling of vengeance being dealt: bounty hunting. Over the next years, her true talents began to shine through the veil she had once believed she had to be. With either rifle or revolver, her skills as a shootist made her into a force of nature and a fearful sight to any bounty she chose to pursue, even managing to match the best bounty hunters in the west. However, her final target, the infamous Johnny Harlan was never claimed as she was shot and killed by rival bounty hunter and inside man of The Outlaws, Graham McKendrick.

At first, she was a bit distressful where she had ended up. But she knew there was no undoing what was done now and continued her bounty hunting ways. Incidentally, one of her bounties, more specifically the bounty on Doc, led to her recruitment into the Crimson Rangers after finding their ideals appealing to her need to dismantle the corrupt people in power. Finding no reason to doubt her or her excellent sharpshooting skills, she quickly became a welcomed addition. And while she mostly keeps her outlook of stoicism and bluntness, there's been the occasional smile on Holly's face since joining the rangers.

Fun Facts About "Iron Maiden"

. Her eyes are a bit sensitive to light and, as a result, are why she often wears a pair of sunglasses. While she's went through many over the years, her favorite are a pair of aviator shades.

. Her hat and lever-action Winchester rifle, Ol' Hickory, were the last gifts from her husband before they parted long ago. She refuses to let another soul lay so much as a finger on either.

. Holly has a weakness for similarly tough women and tends to get a bit flustered around them.

Voice Claim: Femgineer - DustyOldRoses

Art Credit: 𝕾𝖘𝖘𝖎𝖗 𝕻𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖚𝖘𝖘𝕾

Roblyn "Huntress" Valencia

Demon Form: Chicken

Age: 27

Division: Stalker

Rank: Deputy

While many have the choice to become a criminal or not, this wasn’t the case for Robyn Valencia, daughter & heir to the Valencia mafia family. Born between the union of mob boss and leader, Alessio Valencia, and a former mistress of his, Robyn had spent her whole life learning the skills of a criminal and was personally taught by both her father and the members of his growing gang. Despite their infamous reputation, she never saw them as villains as they treated all with the upmost respect, especially her and her father. She grew to carry a great respect for her father and his trade, finding their work powerful and practical, even growing proud how one day it would all be hers. That day came sooner than she would have liked when her father was killed by a shot in the back after he attempted to duel a swindling gambler in white. She wished to avenge her father by tracking his killer, who had fled to the United States, and began a promising start to her family by expanding their work to the San Francisco area. When she learned that her father’s murderer had been killed by a so called “Reaper In Red”, her fury grew restless and disastrously as she attempted to take on The Reaper In Red. But her attempts to kill him ultimately resulted in her end after a risky chase across the city rooftops caused her to miss a step and fall to her death, leaving her gang without a leader.

For the first few years, her afterlife was spent in waiting, doing hit jobs here and there to improve her skills. And when The Reaper in Red finally died, she attempted to try again on Cyrus's life, who had long since calmed from his more murderous days as The Reaper in Red. Even though he had retired from his murderous persona, he managed to win once more but wanted to put away his past and chose to spare her. This left Robyn in a state of disbelief and revaluation of both her afterlife and what had led here. When tales of The Crimson Rangers began to surface around Hell, it was surprising for Deadeye to see her again, especially hearing that she wanted to join them. Her reasonings remain a mystery but she joined the gang and slowly began to move on from her past. Finding a home with the Crimson Rangers, she decided to stay and has stuck with them ever since.

Fun Facts About “Huntress”

. Huntress was one of the first benefactors of The Crimson Rangers as her ties to the Valencia family remain strong and loyal. In exchange for turning a blind eye to her family, she has supplied the rangers with plenty of soldiers, hundreds of weapons and a whole lot of money for whatever else is desired.

. Huntress is prehaps the coldest member of the group, but there is hints that the Crimson Rangers examples of selflessness are starting to rub off on her. Barely, but it's there.

. Do NOT make fun of her sinner form. Taking cracks at her appearance tends to never go well for whoever started it.

Voice Claim: Rose Of Sharon Cassidy - Fallout New Vegas

Art Credit: I just exists

#hazbin hotel oc #hhoc #The Crimson Rangers #Deadeye #Wiley “Dust Devil” Jackson #Doc Rip Van Winkle Friday #Tacitus “Taci” Macello Andronicus III #Jessie Quickdraw McCoy #Todd Ranger Clarkson #Kozō Kage Jirokichi #Rosa Bullet-Weaver de la Costa #Holly Iron Maiden Mayberry #Roblyn Huntress Valencia #hazbin hotel

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desdemonafictional · 6 years

Text

Saltpeter Café

[more original fiction]

[Ko-fi]

About choices; about deals.

Lunette pulls up to the Saltpeter Café in the middle of a miserable summer storm, lashing so hard through the trees that a clump of Spanish moss comes loose overhead even as she is flicking off the headlights. In the carrier, in the passenger seat, the baby keeps wailing.

A cypress tree almost seems to grow out of the side of the café, its huge knees jutting up from the water and the parking lot alike. She fumbles with the carrier, dragging it over the gearshift, and wriggles out into the rain clutching it. The baby hasn’t stopped crying since she left Louisiana, but the howl of the rain keeps the sound deadened. Or maybe it’s just that everything in Lunette’s ears is deadened since the moment she touched the carrier, from the scream of an infant to the swish-thump of the windshield wipers.

The baby’s rocket-ship printed blanket soaks up rain as she lugs it across the parking lot, arms trembling. Her house-slippers are taking in water just as fast. At the door, just within the cover of the tin roof, she pauses and wipes rain from her stinging eyes. She only hit the highway a few hours ago, but she feels like she hasn’t slept in days. She’s not as young, it seems, as she used to be.

The door swings open with a heavy chime, like a bell opening its mouth with a pop. As soon as her soggy toes touch the tile on the other side of them threshold the baby stops crying. A woman behind the refrigerated case looks up from a book of receipts. Inside it is bright and quiet and green. The kitchen behind the partition is full of golden shadows, what little of it Lunette can see.

“Well hello there,” the woman behind the counter says. She pushes back a curl of bottle blonde hair, her face beautiful and strange with the weathered look of a pageant queen a decade past her prime. “Sit down or carry out?”

Water is pooling around Lunette’s feet. Against all this golden brightness she is the creature from the black lagoon, slorp-slorping across the tile in her ruined slippers. She drops the carrier into a chair under the window and slumps into the one across from it.

The menu that the waitress slides into her hands doesn’t look right. It takes her a few dim seconds to work out why. A drop of water falls from her hair onto the laminated paper.

There’s the usual list of soft drinks and juices, teas, a section for appetizers featuring Famous Fried Green Tomatoes, and then under entrees—she blinks, twice—there are only two items listed.

REMEMBER

FORGET

She looks up. The waitress pulls a pen from behind her ear.

“What can I start you off with?” she says.

“C-coffee,” Lunette says, the word catching in her throat like a burst of static.

“Sugar?” the waitress says. “Cream?”

Lunette double checks the menu to make sure she’s not losing her mind. If she is, it’s at least staying consistent. “Both,” she says. “Please.”

“Coming right up, ma’am,” the waitress says. As she caps her pen, she lingers over the baby. Lunette can just see its little hands coming up, tiny fingers grasping for the woman in the white apron. Fear grips Lunette as the waitress peers down into the sodden cottony bundle. She should have left it in the car, but it didn’t feel right, leaving a baby alone in a car, even if it wasn’t heatstroke weather.

“Takes after his daddy?” the waitress says, glancing up at Lunette. Her mouth is smiling, but all Lunette can see is her pearly, slightly too-sharp teeth. The tongue behind them seems a little too pale.

“No,” Lunette says, hypnotized by those teeth.

The waitress looks back and forth between Lunette and the baby, her smile unchanging. She tucks the pen back behind her ear. “I’ll grab that coffee for you,” she says, and clicks away.

Through the grey curtain of rain outside, something ripples across the surface of the river. A gator, Lunette thinks. But so close to humans?

The coffee cup slides across the table to rest between her elbows. It occurs to her that she didn’t check for prices on the menu—it occurs to her that she does not have unlimited money, that possibly all she has now in this world is the contents of her wallet. As the waitress’s red-tipped fingers retreat, Lunette fumbles for the menu again.

“What’s his name?” the waitress asks.

“Uh,” Lunette says, freezing with her hands full of plastic. She struggles to remember. “He’s—he’s Aldren. Like the astronaut.”

The waitress sets down a little metal canister of cream on the table. The moment Lunette sees the heavy whiteness inside of it, her stomach turns over.

“They call him Buzz,” Lunette says, swallowing thickly. She reaches for the pitch black coffee and burns her lip on the bitter darkness. Her vision is going fuzzy, like a windshield in the rain.

“Mother’s little angel,” the waitress says, letting Buzz catch the scarlet tip of a nail in his grip.

“He’s not mine,” Lunette bursts out. “I don’t know what I’m going—what I’m going to do—”

“Take a look at the menu,” the waitress says, not without sympathy. “Decide what you want.”

Mortified, Lunette picks up the menu again and buries herself in it. She wipes away tears. None of the prices are listed, not even for the coffee. She runs through the list of appetizers, most of them fried—okra sounds really good right now—but she stumbles to a stop again on the entrees.

“Remember,” she says. No price listed. “Forget.”

“Forget is real popular,” the waitress offers. “Not as many people looking to remember. We do big and little here. Mistakes, bad breakups, nasty secrets, you name it. A Big Forget costs a little more, but not too much. You wouldn’t even remember what you lost.”

To forget what she’d seen—god, if only she could. The sound of the screaming in the bedroom, shattering glass, the smell of the stuff she’d found when she went to open the baby’s bottle. She’d only wanted to sooth it, to quiet down the crying. They’d left the door open to the hall. She’d walked right in. The whole stinking wreck had admitted her like an old friend.

The waitress tapped her notebook. “Seems like a woman in your situation might like to forget something big.”

She’d lived down the hall from the Joneses for months, since they moved in with the baby in tow. They seemed alright, none of her business if they were a little brusque with each other, a little snappish. She’d watched the baby a couple times while the mother was out getting her hair done, and then they’d stopped asking her, but the mother kept getting her hair done, and if they found a different sitter then whose business was that? If Lunette could hear crying through the walls for hours on end, in the middle of the day, whose business was that?

She doesn’t know where she’s going. Some city big enough to hide them, some town small enough to be forgotten? She doesn’t know what she’s doing. There’s probably an amber alert out on them by now, if Mrs. Jones stopped yelling long enough to notice the strange silence in her home.

“I could just give him back,” Lunette says. Her nails scrape over her wet scalp. “I could tell them I was—that I was just babysitting, trying to help. Took him to my mother’s for a couple hours. If I turn back now, they might even buy it.”

“Sure,” the waitress says, “you could. And everything will go right back to the way it was.” She gently pries the menu out of Lunette’s hands. “But you’ll still have seen what you’ve seen.”

She can’t forget the smell of the stuff in the bottle, rancid and heavy and slightly alcoholic inside of clear plastic printed with little cartoon bears. She pushes the canister of cream across the table, sloshing fat white droplets onto the vinyl, sick to her stomach.

“What does it… cost?” Lunette says.

“Nothing you couldn’t stand to part with,” the waitress says.

They both look at the baby. It feels like a fist is squeezing Lunette’s throat.

“What will you do with him?” she says.

“Oh,” the waitress says, flashing her vicious teeth, “not anything gruesome. I’ve always wanted little ones of my own.”

There’s no way to know if that’s true, or even what it really means. Lunette holds her coffee with both hands and tries focus. What kind of life will she have if she keeps on this way, past the point of no return? She’ll have to start over in a new city, penniless, unemployed—a fugitive. When she thinks of all the paperwork that it takes just to be a person in the world these days, she almost starts crying again.

The waitress reaches into the carrier and draws the baby up to her chest, against the old white apron. She sways, skirts shifting around her knees, as she runs a nail over the tiny pink cheek. In the river below, something dark and sinuous surfaces again. It takes everything Lunette has to sit still and not rip the baby out of her arms, jump in the car and hit the gas. No, she can’t leave the poor thing here any more than she could leave it in that festering hole of an apartment.

“Something else,” she says, “could I trade you something else?”

The waitress pauses, the baby’s tiny fuzzy head cupped in her palm. “I suppose,” she says. “But what would be the point of that? You’d be no better off than you are now.”

“What if I’m not the one who forgets,” Lunette says.

The Joneses barely noticed their child to start with. It would cost them very little to have his little place in their lives emptied out. They could rise to a bright new morning, full of a thousand new cruelties to subject each other to, and meanwhile Lunette could open the curtains on her own new morning.

The waitress is silent for a moment, and then she shows her shining teeth. “If that’s what you want, honey,” she says, “I can sell you that.”

Lunette takes a steadying drink of her coffee. She is afraid. She doesn’t know what else she can do. “What does it cost? A thing like that?”

The waitress considers the child in her arms for a moment. Light glints off the cake stand behind her, the perfectly glazed circle inside. Thunder cracks above them. This brightly lit tin box sits in the swamp of the world like a candle in a lantern.

“Have him come visit me,” the waitress says. “Once a year. Summer vacation, let’s say. You take this same highway, on the first day of summer, and you bring him to me.”

Lunette chews her lip. She looks at the baby. Buzz, she reminds herself. His name is Buzz.

A life on the run. A life of sucking hatred from a bottle, unwanted and unloved. What, she asks herself for the first time, is the best thing for Buzz?

She holds out her hand. “Okay,” she says. “That seems fair.”

#original fiction

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auburnfamilynews · 4 years

Link

Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports

Who can really predict what will happen in this wretched league?

Well that was just what the SEC intended, right? None of the “Big 6” played each other, so they should all be undefeat....oh. That’s right. LSU decided to defend an endless series of mesh routes with man coverage and two high safeties. Welcome back Bo Pelini!

This week there are no such setups. Texas A&M attempts to prove they were just sloppy at home against Vanderbilt. Kentucky and Ole Miss face off to get their first win, and also to make Auburn/Florida fans feel better/worse about last week. LSU gets what should be a breather for that pass defense against Vanderbilt. MSU gets to try and light up what UGA fans have assured me is a very improved Arkansas defense. Tennessee and Missouri are also playing, and I’m sure they’ll get plenty of exercise.

This year I’m going to track everyone’s picks, not just my own. After one week: Chief: 10-4 James, Josh Black: 9-5 Ryan, Josh W: 8-6 Jack: 7-7 Nerd: 6-8 Drew Mac, Dr Will: 5-9 Crow: 4-10

Yeah, that looks about right. JoshDub deserves the tie-breaker over Ryan for picking MSU outright. Chief managed to go 10-4 while also forgetting that MSU had hired Mike Leach! Go figure. On to this week:

Note: Just like last week, some of my brethren decided to include more than just a score. Some didn’t. [shrug emoji]

South Carolina @ Florida (-17.5) (O/U 57.5)

So how much do we believe in Florida’s offense? If they’re truly as good as they showed, and that wasn’t just a really poor Ole Miss defense, then this shouldn’t be too much trouble. Meanwhile, South Carolina didn’t really play that well on offense against an average Tennessee team at home. I don’t think Florida is as bad as some of the numbers showed against Ole Miss. That was a team pulling everything from under the kitchen sink to try and pull an upset. South Carolina will not have any of that fancy bullmess. Heck they’re still huddling! As far as the total, my only concern is that the Gamecocks slow things down to a crawl and try to get home healthy. I think they move the ball a bit between the 20s, but they don’t have the athletes to punch it in. That keeps the clock running enough to stop just short of the over. Florida 41-16 (Florida wins and covers; under by the hook)

Rest of the Staff

AUNerd: Florida 42 SCAR 14 (Florida wins and covers; under) Jack: I went against the Gators last week and thought the Lane train would be able to make something funky happen. Wrong idea. Gators showed off the offense and Kyle Pitts will win the Mackey Award this season. Florida covers at home. Gators 41-17 (Florida wins and covers; over) Drew Mac: Gatas 42-21 (Florida wins and covers; over) Dr Will: Florida 38 South Carolina 20 (Florida wins and covers by the hook; over by the hook) Josh Black: Florida 35 South Carolina 20 (Florida wins, South Carolina covers; under) Ryan S. Sterritt: SC 13 UF 38 (Florida wins and covers; under) Josh W: South Carolina 21, Florida 52 (Florida wins and covers; over) Chief: @#$% Georgia. Florida 38 - SC 12 (Florida wins and covers; under) Crow: Gators 52-12 (Florida wins and covers; over)

Missouri @ Tennessee (-11.5) (O/U 48.5)

Missouri had 7 players out for COVID and still (backdoor) covered against Alabama, which was a herculean effort. Tennessee was fine against South Carolina, but they needed a punt to carom off of a Gamecock blocker in order to avoid needing a stop from their defense. The Vols are the better team, and they’re at home, for whatever that means in COVID, but I think this number is a little too large. I’ll take both the underdog and the under: Tennessee 26-17 (Tennessee wins, Missouri covers; under).

Rest of the Staff

AUNerd: Tennessee 27 Missouri 21 (Tennessee wins, Missouri covers; under by the hook) Jack: Tennessee looked alright last week on the road, Missouri started to figure things out against Alabama’s backups in the second half. I think Tennessee is about as good as Bama’s backups. Vols take it at home, but Missouri covers. Vols 27-23 (Tennessee wins, Missouri covers; over) Drew Mac: Vols 23-21 (Tennessee wins, Missouri covers; under) Dr Will: Tennessee 38 Missouri 17 (Tennessee wins and covers; over) Josh Black: Tennessee 27 Missouri 14 (Tennessee wins and covers; under) Ryan S. Sterritt: Mizzou 21 UT 24 (Tennessee wins, Missouri covers; under) Josh W: Missouri 24, Tennessee 28 (Tennessee wins, Missouri covers; over) Chief: @#$% Georgia. Tennessee 24 - Missouri 13 (Tennessee wins, Missouri covers; under) Crow: Tennessee wins 35 15 (Tennessee wins and covers; over)

Texas A&M @ Alabama (-17) (O/U 51.5)

I want to believe that A&M just played a really sloppy game against Vanderbilt. They fumbled a ton, they committed penalties, and they even attempted to run a punt back out of their own endzone and made an illegal block in the process (that’s where the safety came from). I’ve just never had a lot of faith in Kellen Mond, and I don’t see that helping against Alabama. A&M’s best chance is to control the ball, try and string together a few first downs, and keep Alabama off of the field.

One of the perks of writing the picks article is that I get to see everyone’s picks before making my own. EVERYBODY has Bama laying the points this week. Well, time to try and zag and pick up a win on everyone. Alabama 33-17 (Alabama wins, A&M covers; under)

Rest of the Staff

AUNerd: Alabama 38 A&M 10 (Alabama wins and covers; under) Jack: Saban assistants against Saban has literally never gone well, and this won’t either. There was the thought that A&M was preparing entirely for this game and skipped prep for Vandy, but I think most teams in this conference could beat the pants off of the Commodores without prep. A&M looked affected by the lack of practice, Alabama will hum at home. Tide 38-13. (Alabama wins and covers; under by the hook) Drew Mac: HAHAHA, uat 42-13 (Alabama wins and covers; over) Dr Will: Alabama 44 Texas A&M 14 (Alabama wins and covers; over) Josh Black: Alabama 38 Texas A&M 13 (Alabama wins and covers; under by the hook) Ryan S. Sterritt: TAMU 17 Bama 35 (Alabama wins and covers; over by the hook) Josh W: Texas A&M 13, Alabama 42 (Alabama wins and covers; over) Chief: @#$% Georgia. Alabama 33 - TAMU 15 (Alabama wins and covers; under) Crow: Bams 47, aggy 7 (Alabama wins and covers; over)

Ole Miss @ Kentucky (-6.5) (O/U 61.5)

Now here is where we find out how good Auburn and Florida might actually be.

Does Kentucky allow Ole Miss to throw all over the place? They might, given how efficient Bo was.

Does Ole Miss allow Kentucky to run up and down the field? They could, given how many yards they allowed to Florida.

Does Kentucky just control the ball and play keep away?

Maybe I’m overrating them after watching them last week, but I think Kentucky controls the line of scrimmage in this game. The hardest hit areas under recruiting sanctions are always the lines. That’s exactly where Kentucky’s strength lies. Both PAPN (RIP) and Solid Verbal had the idea of teams like Alabama putting someone in the crock pot. I think Kentucky does a minor version of that to Ole Miss. The Rebels will make some plays when they have the ball, but they may have even fewer snaps than Auburn’s 57. Kentucky 28 Ole Miss 21 (Kentucky wins and covers; under)

Rest of the Staff

AUNerd: Kentucky 35 Ole Miss 31 (Kentucky wins, Ole Miss covers; over) Jack: Last week I took Ole Miss in an upset, and it backfired. This time I’m going Ole Miss in a milder upset and hoping it works out. Rebels upset Kentucky on the road and we get nervous watching it wondering how good our victory looks. Rebels 35-24 (Ole Miss wins outright; under) Drew Mac: Rebel/Black Bear/Shark/Turnover Moneybags 27-20 (Ole Miss wins outright; under) Dr Will: Kentucky 31 Ole Miss 27 (Kentucky wins, Ole Miss covers; under) Josh Black: Ole Miss 28 Kentucky 24 (Ole Miss wins outright; under) Ryan S. Sterritt: Ole Miss 28 UK 31 (Kentucky wins, Ole Miss covers; under) Josh W: Ole Miss 28, Kentucky 31 (Kentucky wins, Ole Miss covers; under) Chief: @#$% Georgia. Kentucky 36 - Ole Miss 29 (Kentucky wins and covers; over) Crow: Ole miss 38-30 (Ole Miss wins outright; over)

Arkansas @ Mississippi State (-18) (O/U 69)

Arkansas was done in against Georgia by failing constantly on offense, save the long touchdown, and allowing Georgia to be efficient in the short passing game in the second half. That second one is a concern against Mississippi State. I do think they’ll have a better game plan than LSU did, but I don’t think it’s going to matter.

What I don’t understand is that, admittedly NICE, total. A full push assumes a 43.5 to 25.5 MSU win. I just don’t see Arkansas putting up 26 unless they get a defensive touchdown or two (which LSU did get last week, but that’s LSU and this is Arkansas). I think Arkansas tries to slow things down and keep it out of State’s hands. State handles business on their end, but this one stays under. Mississippi State 44 Arkansas 17 (MSU wins and covers; under)

Rest of the Staff

AUNerd: Mississippi State 52 Arkansas 31 (MSU wins and covers; over) Jack: Leach may have a little bit of a lull here after beating LSU, but this is the team you can afford a lull against. Since he knows no other way but to keep going, MSU covers after a close first half. Bulldogs 42-20 (MSU wins and covers; under) Drew Mac: Staaate (YAR) 46-17 (MSU wins and covers; under) Dr Will: Miss State 42 Arkansas 17 (MSU wins and covers; under) Josh Black: Mississippi State 55 Arkansas 17 (MSU wins and covers; over) Ryan S. Sterritt: Arkansas 16 MSU 40 (MSU wins and covers; under) Josh W: Arkansas 24, Miss St 59 (MSU wins and covers; over) Chief: @#$% Georgia. State 55 - Arkansas 17 (MSU wins and covers; over) Crow: Mike Leach has a habit of losing to 1-AA teams. Arkansas 34-31 (Arkansas wins outright; under)

LSU (-20) @ Vanderbilt (O/U 48.5)

Vanderbilt got just about every break imaginable in College Station, and they lost by 5 in a game that wasn’t really that close. They’re happy with their new QB Seals, but less than 6 yards per attempt doesn’t excite me. I think LSU comes out angry. They should have Stingley back as well. I think he has the kind of day where he doesn’t allow a completion and maybe even has an interception. LSU gets a short field most of the day and makes this look worse than it really is. LSU 45 Vanderbilt 17 (LSU wins and covers; over)

Rest of the Staff

AUNerd: LSU 34 Vanderbilt 17 (LSU wins, Vandy covers; over) Jack: Vanderbilt showed some defense last week, and LSU is eager to prove themselves in a ton of ways. I think this ends up being like Dwight Schrute punching the karate dummy. Commodores know no pain that can affect them anymore, but LSU isn’t super effective anyway. Tigers 34-13 (LSU wins and covers; under) Drew Mac: Fightin Tigas 23-16 (LSU wins, Vandy covers; under) Dr Will: LSU 38 Vanderbilt 17 (LSU wins and covers; over) Josh Black: LSU 38 Vandy 9 (LSU wins and covers; under) Ryan S. Sterritt: LSU 30 Vandy 13 (LSU wins, Vandy covers; under) Josh W: LSU 31, Vanderbilt 21 (LSU wins, Vandy covers; over) Chief: @#$% Georgia. LSU 33 - Vanderbilt 10 (LSU wins and covers; under) Crow: LSU 21-14 (LSU wins, Vandy covers; under)

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2020/10/2/21498179/staff-picks-sec-week-2

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racingtoaredlight · 5 years

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The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 4

The game of the week screams off the page but there are plenty of actually decent footballs happening on this here beautiful final Saturday of the summer.

Let’s see if I have the mental fortitude to write even a single word for each game, good or not. What the hell does good have to do with degeneracy, anyway?

Times are Eastern, schedule is stolen from FBSchedules and odds are ripped from Vegas Insider.

Saturday, September 21

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

11 Michigan at 13 Wisconsin 12:00pm FOX

You can throw out the rankings when these teams play because neither one of them has any business being ranked this highly! One of these teams will be basically out of the running for the playoffs by the time this is over. Everybody expects Michigan because Wisconsin hasn’t allowed a point this year and Michigan has mostly sucked so far in both of their games but this is the perfect place for a shitty Wolverines team to start tricking people. Wisconsin is up 110-0 on teams that are made of sawdust. Michigan is at least particle board, if not sterner. Wolverines +3, under 44.5.

Michigan State at Northwestern 12:00pm ABC

With an o/u a hilarious 36.5 I wouldn’t turn to this piece of shit if every single person on twitter were cryptically sending out tweets like “MICHIGAN!” and “nooooooooo” and “asdjseskrjhjsdbf” and “THERE’S STILL A WHOLE QUARTER LEFT!” You aren’t fooling me.

Western Michigan at Syracuse 12:00pm ACCN

What the hell is this ACCN thing, anyway? It’s just an ESPN skin but it’s got like 2% market penetration. At times like noon, September 21st, 2019, we can all be thankful for the unlikelihood of accidentally switching to ACCN while searching for football to gamble on.

ULM at Iowa State 12:00pm FS1

Louisiana-Monroe is a real dark horse contender for the Big XII title.

UConn at Indiana 12:00pm BTN

Webster’s dictionary defines the word “torture” as...

Tennessee at 9 Florida 12:00pm ESPN

I’ve had this weird premonition all week that Florida is totally going to fuck this up. On the one hand, the Gators should score more than 14 on defense. On the other hand, they should give up some points on offense. On the third hand, Tennessee is in a very bad place as a football program. Vols +14, under 49. But don’t put more than $1.50 on any of it.

Southern Miss at 2 Alabama 12:00pm ESPN2

Do people bet a lot on Bama games? Nick Saban seems to willfully undercut gamblers every week. The Tide are easily 39 points better than Southern Miss but they could realistically sit on a 24-0 lead for the entire second half.

Boston College at Rutgers 12:00pm BTN

BC just lost to Kansas by 24 and here they are favored by 8 the next week. Rutgers is probably really that bad but that still seems impossible. 32 points worse than Kansas? NAIA schools aren’t 32 points worse than Kansas.

23 California at Mississippi 12:00pm ESPNU

Don’t look now but 6 Pac teams were ranked in the top 25 this week. Rather, go look now. No way that lasts. Never trust a west coast team heading east for an early kickoff.

Elon at Wake Forest 12:00pm RSN

Wake Forest sucks but nobody sucks more than Elon Musk.

4 LSU at Vanderbilt 12:00pm SECN

Some things you can count on. One of them is LSU’s football team never making a goddamn lick of sense in any context.

Morgan State at Army 12:00pm CBSSN

The Troops have a -49 point line as I write this but apparently every other betting option is off the books? Not sure how that works but it’s probably illegal.

Coastal Carolina at UMass 1:00pm FloSports / NESN

There needs to be better vetting before allowing teams to just move up to FBS status. This is horrible.

Louisiana at Ohio 2:00pm ESPN+

This is a very tiny step up from the 1pm game. Ohio has been a mess so take the Ragin Cajuns on the road +3.

CCSU at Eastern Michigan 3:00pm ESPN3

There is no watchin this one up, either, so find other things to amuse you. Like gambling or day drinking.

Troy at Akron 3:00pm ESPN+

Finally we get that magical intersection of stupid, useless, and entertaining and it’s a goddamn ESPN+ game. For shame. SHAAAAAAME!!!!

Louisville at Florida State 3:30pm ESPN

Did FSU’s big comeback last week wake the ghosts and get Willie Taggert on track in Tallahassee? Probably not. What little I’ve watched of these two has me thinking Louisville is a straight up better team than FSU so my advice would be to take the Cardinals +6.5 but that’s right there on the line. Don’t think twice.

South Alabama at UAB 3:30pm NFLN

The Iron Bowl, Jr.! UAB -11 seems like pretty good value but you CAN THROW OUT THE RECORDS WHEN THESE TWO PLAY! A fun game to play if you watch this one is to see what fanbase is best represented in the crowd: UAB, USA, Bama or Auburn. Roll damn Tide.

Temple at Buffalo 3:30pm ESPNU

This seems like a conference rivalry but it isn’t. That’s all.

15 UCF at Pitt 3:30pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

I saw UCF mentioned as a legitimate top 5 team this week so I’m expecting them to lose. If Pitt wears their sweet yellow helmets I especially expect UCF to lose. So load up on UCF -11 because I am a fucking idiot. Book it.

22 Washington at BYU 3:30pm ABC/ESPN2 (RM)

Poor, sweet UDub. What might have been? Probably nothing but what will be is definitely nothing. BYU is sure to follow up their big upset of USC with a belly flop.

Wyoming at Tulsa 3:30pm CBSSN

O/u has moved up to 46.5 but that still seems low to me. Very appropriate CBS SN fare here. This is just good watchin’.

Miami (Ohio) at 6 Ohio State 3:30pm BTN

I don’t want to be a true believer in Chase Young or Justin Fields. I need to stick to my traditional hate Ohio State stance because any time I’ve flirted with liking a player on their team it has ended in heart break.

SMU at 25 TCU 3:30pm FS1

SMU has looked better than a dead fish so far this year. I’m kind of intrigued in this game as entertainment. I don’t want to pin expectations on it but I might hang around for a quarter or so.

Bowling Green at Kent State 3:30pm ESPN3

Here comes the MAC to ruin my good mood.

Appalachian State at North Carolina 3:30pm RSN

And here’s Mack to ruin my good mood even more.

8 Auburn at 17 Texas A&M 3:30pm CBS

Just the words Auburn and Texas A&M next to each other promises a level of psychosis that will be tough to live up to. I hope you’ve got a defibrillator nearby if you take it upon yourself to place bets on this game.

Kentucky at Mississippi State 4:00pm SECN

I think this is the entertaining side of S!E!C!

South Carolina at Missouri 4:00pm SECN Alt.

And this is dark, depressing, unwatchable side of S!E!C!

Central Michigan at Miami (FL) 4:00pm ACCN

Once upon a time there was a small, slow, relatively unathletic wide receiver from Miami who went to Central Michigan and became a huge star, one of the best in the NFL, a Madden cover boy, probably a serial rapist who is now unemployable even though he’s still one of the best football players on the planet. Where am I going with this? Oh, yeah, don’t move to Pittsburgh.

West Virginia at Kansas 4:30pm ESPN+

What if Kansas wins again? Does Les Miles sign a fully guaranteed 25-year extension and then immediately retire?

New Mexico State at New Mexico 4:30pm ATTSN

That’s some rivalry game you’ve got there. Would be a shame if it happened at the end of the season instead of the middle of September. What the fuck is this game doing on September 20th? What are these two teams planning that’s so important at the end of November?

William & Mary at East Carolina 6:00pm ESPN3

Has William & Mary always used “Tribe” for their team monikers? I definitely should have noticed that before now. That’s really kind of gross and weird. Anyway, I don’t see any betting info for this game but if you’re looking for a FCS -over-FBS upset for this week, this is the one for you.

Hampton at Liberty 6:00pm ESPN+

Liberty’s football team only went to FBS because Jerry Falwell, Jr. made a promise to a young man in a locker room and the younger Falwell is a man of his word when it comes to young men in locker rooms. Allegedly.

Wagner at Florida Atlantic 6:00pm ESPN+

Wagner “Seahawks” is a missed opportunity so obvious I don’t think it needs to be spelled out. Prove me wrong.

Ball State at NC State 7:00pm ESPNU

I always think of Marvin Gaye when I see Ball State. And for the last couple of years every time I think of Marvin Gaye I think about rumors that he was a serial killer. I don’t believe every rumor I hear about rich and/or famous people but I do believe most of them. NC State -19.5 is a pretty solid bet if I get to use your money for it.

16 Oregon at Stanford 7:00pm ESPN

I don’t want to sell myself as some kind of Pac-12 expert but I absolutely expect Stanford to win this game by 30 because it is exactly the kind of thing that happens in Pac-12 football.

Baylor at Rice 7:00pm CBSSN

Baylor out here sullying the good name of CBS Sports. It’s like finding out Matt Groening was a passenger on the Lolita Express.

Old Dominion at 21 Virginia 7:00pm ESPN2

I know it’s ODU but Virginia winning by 27 seems like a dodgy concept against literally any team in the country. UVA has a decent shot at going 12-0 and losing the ACCCG by 100.

Southern Illinois at Arkansas State 7:00pm ESPN3

If you asked me once a week every week for the next 52 weeks if Southern Illinois is a D-1A school or not I would be wrong more often than not. It turns out they aren’t in the MAC at all.

Georgia State at Texas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Get rid of FCS and make a real college football playoffs, you cowards! Isn’t a game like this between two FBS level programs mockery enough? How much more degradation can the product withstand before you have to give up the ruse and pay the players?

Charlotte at 1 Clemson 7:30pm ACCN

Charlotte’s odds of winning the Coastal are as good as anybody’s.

UTSA at North Texas 7:30pm Facebook

utsa-unt utsa-unt utsa-unt. There! Now you’re beatboxing!

San Jose State at Arkansas 7:30pm SECN

Bad west coast team going east to play a bad SEC team in the evening. Hmm. Not sure the rules here.

Oklahoma State at 12 Texas 7:30pm ABC

Chuba Hubbard is gonna get his Heisman moment tonight. I can feel it.

Nevada at UTEP 8:00pm ESPN3

The dark heart of football degeneracy is still beating. MWC and CUSA linking back up for a game only the most stupid among us can love. And I am as stupid as they come.

Nebraska at Illinois 8:00pm BTN

I told you ranking Nebraska was a mistake. I don’t think I needed to but it’s still worth noting that I did.

7 Notre Dame at 3 Georgia 8:00pm CBS

This is only the third all time meeting between Notre Dame and UGA. The line for this one is up to 14.5 but both previous meetings were decided by one score or less. That’s not necessarily relevant to this matchup but Georgia -14.5 still seems crazy to me even though I hope they win by 58.

Colorado at 24 Arizona State 10:00pm Pac-12N

The first rule of Pac-12 after dark is betting on a Pac-12 after dark game is a terrible idea. That’s probably the only rule.

Sacramento State at Fresno State 10:00pm Facebook

A game that belongs on facebook. Maybe only on facebook. Why waste money on upkeep for stands and press boxes?

Toledo at Colorado State 10:15pm ESPN2

I will for sure be torn away from the TV but this late run of weird matchups in style and uniforms is exactly what I love about college football and it will just keep getting better the deeper we get into the night.

Utah State at San Diego State 10:30pm CBSSN

This is my entire brand explicated. A potential first round QB playing against San Diego State until 2am east coast time on CBS Sports? Be still my heart.

UCLA at 19 Washington State 10:30pm ESPN

And the marquee late game is Mike Leach and Chip Kelly in a seemingly very lopsided matchup. Run it up, you stupid boomer pirate.

Central Arkansas at Hawaii 11:59pm Spectrum / Facebook

A great night of degenerate football only truly ends with a Hawaii home game. On facebook? Sure. Facebook should make one of those stupid little handheld black & white TVs that only receives facebook sports broadcasts. I would probably buy one just to watch Hawaii on the smallest screen possible.

#saturday post #tv #watch em ups #college football #football #degenerate football #gambling

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glopratchet · 4 years

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gator-hunt

Perfect beeing An alligator fanasty They have hearts brains teeth stomaches and some have lots of wounds but they are the best Now you're wondering if you should go back to your room or stay here with me and watch a movie people, movies and television shows that feature animals doing something bad Gators love two things besides eating Gators love two things besides eating people, Fighting and gossiping You've never even heard of these shows and Netflix doesn't have them but we can order some dvd's on Amazon 20 minutes later other gator fanatics from decades past At primal pounds you find their simulate behavior is closely modeled after Thirsty for carnage and brutally sadistic in nature "I love it At primal pounds you find their simulate behavior is closely modeled after other gator fanatics from decades past The habits of a real world alligator missippissus adapted into this game of survival and dog eat dog world of dog eat alligator At it's core The habits of a real world alligator missippissus adapted into this game of survival and dog eat dog world of dog eat alligator They come in many different sizes, ages, the like to eat, and spawn Some do it more than others, everything is a numbers game They form packs, parties, tribes, alliances and confederations of awesome beastality They breath and thier hearts beat like yours do in an opposite mirror world inside lickskillet georgia the ground and steal his tooth paste "Hey! I alredy told y'all twerps it's supposed t'be quartzes an lodestones in'at cabinet! the ground and steal his toothpaste Here is how you do it Got to have heart to skin a gator - Blues Traveler The gators teach you to cook up jasmine rice in a wash basin it seems Distance to gator You guys get better at this Still needing to practice, as you think about home 'm done holydays are over now, we havta get back t'day care ok? Angle of gator Position gator You learned about alot of things, going to do more reading on your own Attempt wrestle gain advantage gator Putting to use real world skills in this game environment is fun and you can do so much "Teenagers with Attitude" pales in comparison to the 1000's of gators that now stalk thjs swamp and hills "Teenagers with Attitude" pales in comparison to the 1000's of gators that now stalk thjs swamp and hills Still not the smartest tool in the shed is he? Wow your intelligence must be awe-inspiring for him stab gator or turn n' run like a little girl His choices at this point are poor, running would be laudible if he weren't already sawing Jump forward Jump forward stab gator or turn n' run like a little girl Extend hand cause snakes hate that You're right and luckily for you they don't like it when people are smarter than they are Extend hand cause snakes hate that more, you could have easily though the angle of going around the gator instead of through it You need to think out your stratagedy You need to think out your stratagedy more, later-- Option sound fun You are in excruciating pain, nothing is broken fortunately or the game would paralyze your character --10 moves --10 moves later-- Lock on the the blind spot behind the alligators neck and shove this piece of steel deeper into his eye Lock on the the blind spot behind the alligators neck and shove this piece of steel deeper into his eye and before the start of the next one you need to put numbers down Percentages equal focus for the scene Percentages equal focus for the scene and before the start of the next one you need to put numbers down life You brought your hands up to your numb face in cognition that they were there, blood covered them It happens in the background, by thinking about it in the foreground it slows down your perception and allows you to have a temporary overlook on the status of your body What does the percent represent Can rearrage the items inside the backpack to treat your wounds later It's random encounters or savoring reality until dawn in this area Can rearrage the items inside the backpack to treat your wounds later motivational forces then 100 kill your characters spirits and have them pass out instead Thee, you can wrap it with strips of cloth from the tiny remnant of the spare Sprint rapidly -- if zero remove Sprint rapidly -- if zero remove motivational forces then 100 kill your characters spirits and have them pass out instead Take hold upon the alligators scaley back and begin wildly stabbing it with all the might of one's fingers inside the nostrils Take hold upon the alligators scaley back and begin wildly stabbing it with all the might of one's fingers inside the nostrils and begin biting into it's eye sockets! You were lucky that it didn't track you too well Tackle to ground Tackle to ground and begin biting into it's eye sockets! hold, disorientation by sight would be most advantageous to you at this juncture Activate neck choke Activate neck chokehold, as well enclosing left arm around the neck and grabbing the right avulsed finger inward makes a near perfect chokehold on the gator, it's Rotate dominate hand forward to close eyes Rotate dominate hand forward to close eyes as well Pin hind legs off the ground and jab the eyes with pointy bits at every given moment of weaknes smell that? it's the scent of sweet death Pin hind legs off the ground and jab the eyes with pointy bits at every given moment of weaknes Still gripping, roll like an old west pistol-dance-- can't miss a beat, Hanging onto his upper jaw try to jab the eye in Gain control of the mouth with both hands Extend head back to ninety degree angle before letting go You kept his mouth closed long enough to yourself 3 days of food and water supply! Extend head back to ninety degree angle before letting go Employ elbow drop to slam into stomach to force out all the air that is inside, Fortified with new energy gouge at open sores Puke it out and dispose Employ elbow drop to slam into stomach to force out all the air that is inside, Fracture the jaw bones like twigs mixing up your own brand of alligator burger meat to supplement your diet in the future Dominate the beast with unorthodox hacking Finish Fracture the jawbones like twigs Remove teeth to fashion knifes and harpoons Really wanted one of those Strangle him with his own innards since you're in that position Serve it Acts as a pedestal for food and is easy to clean with creek water Slam your forearms against the back of their neck while pulling upwards Enjoy! Acts as a pedestal for food and is easy to clean with creek water Jump on alligator 's back and jam thumbs into eyes It surely wasn't dead before but it sure as hell was now Jump on alligator's back and jam thumbs into eyes Increases gravity working on the target from the source of attack Nail hands together or fashion out from appendages Increases gravity working on the target from the source of attack Add a wound to the alligator face to increase the ripping potential There isn't knife play in a position like this Add a wound to the alligator face to increase the ripping potential avenger -3 Hand -2 Leg Choice Matters! alligator will spin and bite alligator will spin and bite A: Spin and bite should be ended right then-- lock the jaw over the shoulder and deal a horrendous bite to it's mouth, ripping tissue out to quiet previous agression Spin and bite should be ended right then-- lock the jaw over the shoulder and deal a horrendous bite to it's mouth, Interrupt rotation with thumbnails and middle finger to feel resistance in jaw 90 degrees around Which muscle hurts more? source angle of rotation gets closer to the target angle of rotation if target angle collides within bite range of target then bite source if not spin entire body only to cater A: avengers strategy needs if target angle collides within bite range of target then bite source, and torment for quite some time while diseased mouth feels the rapid force of angular inertia shifting in axis from jaw rotation, slowly closing down teeth into sensitive snout Bite Bite and torment for quite some time while diseased mouth feels the rapid force of angular inertia shifting in axis from jaw rotation, using physical alterations of angular momentum to maximize pain inflicted within shortest distance, rotate similar to a vice Oh yes that feels good attempt to wound the target attempt to wound the target using physical alterations of angular momentum to maximize pain inflicted within shortest distance, rules and prioritization, if target is a concept then ignore the pain and visualize targets destruction with a laugh, bloodily coughing up gator-shaped slurry if target is wounded and is a person then target will react to people wound if target is wounded and is a person then target will react to people wound rules and prioritization, rules and prioritization You wonder, what would the previous version of you do? Definitely not this this is not what an avenger does React to people wound React to people wound rules and prioritization with the new rotation plane you cut perpendicular and deep, to give a heavy bleeding blow to the body without requiring a 90 degree spin again a new people wound will be created a new people wound will be created with the new rotation plane you cut perpendicular and deep, without the people part Ideas run about , immune to strategy talk , jumping from one conceptual skull to another check to see if people source can survive check to see if people source can survive without the people part prioritization Weakest part of the jaw to create most efficient sharp force trauma ? Through the tongue and roof of mouth React to alligator wound React to alligator wound prioritization with the new rotation plane you cut at an extreme slant with thin blades and forever impose bleeding trauma with every twitch in jaw rotation a new alligator wound will be created a new alligator wound will be created with the new rotation plane you cut at an extreme slant with thin blades and forever impose bleeding trauma with every twitch in jaw rotation without the alligator part Moved into another dimension in which this conflict can not even be understood by outsiders check to see if people source can survive without the alligator part quite well This dimensional transit angle was the correct one Survive Survive quite well and than prioritized All the vital functions of the source are checked All the vital functions of the source are checked and than prioritized within a locked minimum brain-state If all the vital functions can still operate the source lives If all the vital functions can still operate the source lives within a locked minimum brain-state within bio-regenerative brain death If all the vital functions can not operate the source dies If all the vital functions can not operate the source dies within bio-regenerative brain death Lives then only a probability exists upon the planet to be used as a source again Any new parts to this one are sources for other dimensions If the source is an alligator If the source is an alligator then only a probability exists upon the planet to be used as a source again their relation to others drive probability calculations into other dimensions If the source is a person If the source is a person their relation to others drive probability calculations into other dimensions 's mainframe to be used for later transformation into new ideas on new dimensions The knowledge gained from the wound is absorbed in to the body Retain wound and reduce the control variables to minimums to ensure death risk, walk around with wounded mouth Until: (A) enter a Mirror dimension Alligator dies The soul of the target moves out of the body on the slim chance it can avoid being killed by its angry internal and external variable manifesting in to a new universe upon death The soul of the target moves out of the body on the slim chance it can avoid being killed by its angry internal and external variable manifesting in to a new universe upon death Increase alligator death count by # rotations upon jaw per second / time / direction definitions within singularity existence theory to check if a stable definition of a new self-sustaining reality Increase alligator death count by # rotations upon jaw per second / time / direction definitions within singularity existence theory to check if a stable definition of a new self-sustaining reality by # rotations upon jaw per second to check if a stable definition of a new self-sustaining reality in any orb fit for life can be found Rotations and directions quite frankly disappear from the human realm of ideas due to low probabilistic yield Increase alligator death count by # rotations upon jaw per second to check if a stable definition of a new self-sustaining reality in any orb fit for life can be found The number of alligators who have died on the farm is increased by one forever and ever with only puny ideas on where to cut implemented due to low probabilistic yield Alligator will spin Something will have to change Alligator will spin forever and ever with only puny ideas on where to cut implemented due to low probabilistic yield needs to be taken right now and reality has set in to such an extent that the whole world has taken a back seat and all ideas from this point on are going Action Action needs to be taken right now and reality has set in to such an extent that the whole world has taken a back seat and all ideas from this point on are going Tackles to the ground have no purpose behind them for the first time since the beginning Confidence in action through probability curves have evaporated Tackles to the ground have no purpose behind them for the first time since the beginning time is now limited to random waits of indeterminate length between tense rotations It grows dark and cold Reaction Reaction time is now limited to random waits of indeterminate length between tense rotations and now actually cuts straight through the ponds edge to create a wider smile If size is above a ratio it continues to spin If size is above a ratio it continues to spin and now actually cuts straight through the ponds edge to create a wider smile by ropes and chains to large heavy objects on each corner of the farm; (which increase in number everyday) THE SOUL HAS NOW TAKEN TOTALLY If size is less than a ratio it becomes bound If size is less than a ratio it becomes bound by ropes and chains to large heavy objects on each corner of the farm; Bound alligators cannot spin until they are unbound alone yields no higher yield and the world stops, begins dying, never existed Action alone yields no higher yield and the world stops, limited to cords and chains cuz source exceeds the boundary of the mouth Neck hold Neck hold limited to cords and chains cuz source exceeds the boundary of the mouth time persists to the human realm of ideas for in interesting reasons, does not ever expire Reaction time persists to the human realm of ideas for in interesting reasons, neck by # rotations upon jaw per second of the jaw and of the ground affected Increases gravity working on the alligator Increases gravity working on the alligator neck by # rotations upon jaw per second of the jaw and of the ground affected and makes a deeper smile if the size is greater than a ratio Above a ratio of gravity it continues to spin Above a ratio of gravity it continues to spin and makes a deeper smile if the size is greater than a ratio by even larger objects and chains to keep it from multiplying in problematic fashions Under a ratio of gravity it becomes bound Under a ratio of gravity it becomes bound by even larger objects and chains to keep it from multiplying in problematic fashions Activities alone yields no higher yield too slow for the required size of desired dimensions Action: neck hold neck hold too slow for the required size of desired dimensions neck by # rotations upon jaw per second Increases gravity working on the alligator neck by # rotations upon jaw per second time persists to react to things even though the situation Reaction time persists to react to things even though the situation and make a deeper smile if the size is greater than a ratio Under a ratio of gravity it becomes bound by objects and chains to keep alike similar animals Above a ratio of gravity it continues to spin and make a deeper smile if the size is greater than a ratio by a tree, permanently half-sunk in water if the size is greater than or equal to 1 Under a ratio of gravity it becomes bound by a tree, Neck hold limited to rope and chain confinements due to the boundary of the mouth by objects and chains to keep alike objects Under a ratio of gravity it becomes bound by objects and chains to keep alike objects impact yields no feeling behind them Increases gravity working on the alligator neck by # rotations upon jaw per second of the soul and of the ground affected elbow drop elbow drop impact yields no feeling behind them receiving the blows The alligator at rest with respect to the jaw offers only slight minimal breaking of skin with some difficulty due to size Adds wounds to the jaw of the gator Adds wounds to the jaw of the gator receiving the blows time ponders standing still above the impact zones on the earths crust Reaction time ponders standing still above the impact zones on the earths crust upon its neck by the soul as a number and the convergence of traits occurs Increases the negtive emotion acciated with the alligator Something unstable yet imitating stability begins replacing order in unexpected manners Increases the negtive emotion acciated with the alligator upon its neck by the soul as a number and the convergence of traits occurs der Sometimes the emotion should stay put and add up to pleasant results Sad alligators get more sad Sad alligators get more sadder Sometimes the emotion should stay put and do nothing Surprised alligators get more surprised with time passing Angery alligators get more angery or surprised right before dieing Some even become enraged Some even become enraged or surprised right before dieing The alligator at rest with respect to the jaw offers only slight minimal breaking of skin The resistance becomes equal in ratio with the soul of the beast Some even become afraid of you running away with the impact zones While sad alligator living in that portion experience order These commands to the brain of a trained monkey happens all the time Reaction tests although no impact on the psychic heart values Send it all this commands -- back comes a successful story or not -- with objects and earth bound in loops of chains to hold them down You control this one moment in time You control this one moment in time -- with objects and earth bound in loops of chains to hold them down a dead alligator Do any of the characters secretly dream after their escapes from sad and hysterical lives? This one moment you created alot of back story for This one moment you created alot of back story for a dead alligator Feed back a story of how you wrestled a gator in high school and it tried to eat your leg but you lived This commands to the brain of a trained monkey happens all the time Feed back a story of how you wrestled a gator in high school and it tried to eat your leg but you lived -- move right -- all while your brains tries to keep time and order They try one shoulder blow in a series of reactions you can sense coming Fake left Fake left -- move right -- all while your brains tries to keep time and order then give em a left jab - hook to the body -- cross the baboon jaw Fake right Fake right then give em a left jab - hook to the body -- cross the baboon jaw than any man could - catch the alligator with an elbow to the soft palate - spin spin spin -- hold that head down -- suffocate the prey Jump higher Jump higher than any man could - catch the alligator with an elbow to the soft palate - spin spin spin -- hold that head down -- suffocate the prey than any man should - swim faster than any man could -- surprise from beneath with snapping teeth smash the nose in Jump lower Jump lower than any man should - swim faster than any man could -- surprise from beneath with snapping teeth smash the nose in on both sides resulting in a nasty snapping sound alright Fracture the jaw on both sides resulting in a nasty snapping sound alright both upper and lower as trophies for this epic battle Someday the alligator might succeed in consuming a human being Remove teeth Remove teeth both upper and lower as trophies for this epic battle First destract target - notice some flaws in the armor and then use a rock to break open the skull Who can say that you cared about these alligators anyway? First destract target - notice some flaws in the armor and then use a rock to break open the skull The block his blind jab and counter with a hook to the chin KO The block his blind jab and counter with a hook to the chin KO to make it harder to stay up right Counter will cross to left cheek Counter will cross to left cheek to make it harder to stay up right the brain wear it tells the right arm - right from left and confuse the jaw muscles too Discombulate Discombulate the brain wear it tells the right arm - right from left and confuse the jaw muscles too hoping youll get close -- wont work, use own force againts it with a cross to the jaw -- he's done Gator will attempt wild haymaker Gator will attempt wild haymaker hoping youll get close -- wont work, strengthen impact into chest with knee lift as air quickly expels At the right second bite down on the forearm breaking it at the elbow and damaging tendons Employ elbow block and body shot Employ elbow block and body shot strengthen impact into chest with knee lift as air quickly expels cross angle it into the path of the oncoming right cross -- heavier punch KO Let him hit you -- it doesnt hurt that much Block feral left Block feral left cross angle it into the path of the oncoming right cross -- heavier punch KO shot causes tremor -- explode left uppercut into soft underbelly -- feels like babies fake punching and breathing in womb -- unghhh Weak right jaw Weak right jaw shot causes tremor -- explode left uppercut into soft underbelly -- feels like babies fake punching and breathing in womb -- unghhh the tusk of the boar, it wont be able to gore you this way Now fracture Now fracture the tusk of the boar, to puncture internal organs and finish him off Break cracked ribs Break cracked ribs to puncture internal organs and finish him off and the creature wont be able to breathe Use powerful jaw to crunch up and through the hard shell -- meaty softness underneath, almost taste it Tramatise the solar plexus Tramatise the solar plexus and the creature wont be able to breathe Dislocate jaw entirely -- fangs easier to use Stab with fangs repeatedly -- soft underbelly again, can taste the warm blood when it leaks to end the fight Dislocate jaw entirely -- fangs easier to use Snap foreleg bringin it to the ground Heel kick to diaphram Heel kick to diaphram to end the fight No wait, here it is: 4/5 Alligtors dead No seriously, this gator's animal instincts went further than yours can In summary: hone senses to Maim, kill, expose jaw He've picked up a knife from somewhere - stabs your leg repeatedly Hears ringing Hears ringing hone senses to Jaw fractured Soft skin worn into hard scales - unghhhhh Can't continue Three ribs cracked jaws Five punctured lungs I hope EDC pays for your burial Four broken Four broken jaws Arteries exposed So much blood I can taste it Sense of smell enhances toying with the prey Diaphram hemorriaing time slowed Last attack Live by the knife, die by the knife Hrhr Hahaha Physcail recovery Physcail recovery time slowed Six weeks He never lifted that hand against you later Six weeks later later after reconstructive jaw surgery Full physcoligical recovery six months Full physcoligical recovery six months later after reconstructive jaw surgery by friendly ribbing ; (of course) Capicity to spit at back of head neturalized Capicity to spit at back of head neturalized by friendly ribbing ; Step two: hold on for dear life Step one: get on the alligators back This is probally the most dangerous part of wrestling an alligator It wont work most of the time Most men have tried this from the front and most have died a horrible painful death as evidence shows Never attmp to jump an alligator from the side or from the front Never attmp to jump an alligator from the side or from the front, in the stomach Doing so is the best way to get bit Doing so is the best way to get bit in the stomach and on its belly and then you grab its muzzle This part is often the most dangerous as alligators like to thrash about alot You need to get the alligator behind you You need to get the alligator behind you and on its belly and then you grab its muzzle Wrestling an alligator behind you on the belly while its mouth is shut Anti-climatic If possible set up a distraction to the alligator has trouble focusing on you to bait the alligator and having a member of your party distract it Once the mouth is shut by hand you have the advantage over the beast If not possible using a cloth like a flag If not possible using a cloth like a flag to bait the alligator and having a member of your party distract it pushing skull into forehead All part of the kill Make sure to weight it down some how Throw on top of the gators head Throw on top of the gators head pushing skull into forehead nose and mouth Make sure it covers its eyes Shout for assistance from other hunters if possible Hold on for dear life Make sure it covers its eyes nose and mouth and therefore easier to mank A blind gator is much slower to react A blind gator is much slower to react and therefore easier to mank is pretty low the whole time you are doing this which means I guess that it is fairly safe The fear meter The fear meter is pretty low the whole time you are doing this which means I guess that it is fairly safe to get that meter moving more appealing More frightening friendly battles 3 feet of sharp steel sticking out of your arm is no laughing matter Run screen Run screen to get that meter moving more appealing battles are the againist you I suppose haha Alright give me a serious one then because I can't jump can I? Platformer Platformer battles are the againist you I suppose haha How far away from the animal do you wish to begin your leap of faith because it is too far for me to chemically half a$$ jumping off my platform Fine I'll jump but it better be worth it! How far away from the animal do you wish to begin your leap of faith because it is too far for me to chemically half a$$ jumping off my platform 3 meters out But it was followed by instant crash and a splak when my headfirst collision with alligators stomach ended me 3 meters out The 3rd try went with out a hitch 4 meters 4 meters out 5 meters 5 meters out additions with reach and impact screent spots Finale will be one creature counting on your word to cause mayhem Aim screen Aim screen additions with reach and impact screent spots to choose the destination Should you decide and pick a spot outside that ten frame range you fall to the ground and die a flaming death You have ten frames of animation You have ten frames of animation to choose the destination at the moment Tick tock tick tock goes the countdown timer 2 frames left after you choose your spot Each frame is a camera shake view of running toward the alligator which is in wire frame mode Each frame is a camera shake view of running toward the alligator which is in wire frame mode at the moment Deformed if you move it more than a few units in any direction You must attempt to keep this line that runs down the alligators back straight damaged if you allow it to fall downward at more than a 45 degree angle Aftter the screen has given you your reach and impact view if the timer runs out in the last 2 frames Any reach beyond 6 makes the jump unsaveable Misses are culamitive Misses are culamitive if the timer runs out in the last 2 frames fail message You wish to get a zero percent Choose wisely You wish to get a zero percent fail message Right "Right a bit" decreases the change of deformity Rolling the finger left of right changes the angle of the straight line A first person crosshair appears with a connect the dots game when you direct it at your designated spot The straight the line the less chance of gitting bite right off the bat For courners y sake the straight line goes toward the back end For cournersy sake the straight line goes toward the back end position after being displayed The words randomly change The words randomly change position after being displayed -move right-turn around-stay left mid and a other few Its like reading a ebook and having the words jump around in it Stay low-go high Stay low-go high-move right-turn around-stay left mid and a other few grasp for dear life Extend hands loosely extend hands firmly Makes note of your move then display the results Which should I choose first? Extend hands loosely extend hands firmly grasp for dear life Push up quickly to flip on to the barrel and stand Push up quickly to flip on to the barrel and stand away from the teeth Keeping track of which ones you chose go well allow your eyes towitness everything that happens in those active frames With in a second select a spot on the neck to focus upon- With in a second select a spot on the neck to focus upon-away from the teeth The screen will only shade the area with dots and the longer you hold the bigger it will get Touch the big dot and hold and try to keep you figer on the dot as long as possible Use head and legs to keep you balanced while leaning and reaching out from inside the moving vehicle Imagine a straight line donw the alligators head and back and tail if possible (below the dotted line) when you get close because other dots may change from gray to red Get a running start down that line and keep low Get a running start down that line and keep low; to grasp at fur and scales if that's all you can get a hold of Sounds too easy after you blot it out like that with the words Leap forward with hands extended Leap forward with hands extended to grasp at fur and scales if that's all you can get a hold of The hands need to land on the alligator's neck Still the example/demonstration they showed makes it seem as easy as pie You press the last button will do if you miss Grasping for thick pieces of floating flesh as you swing forward into that wide open mouth Between the back of the jaws and the front two legs Between the back of the jaws and the front two legs will do if you miss before it can snap at you Luckily the animal only shakes side to side instead of clamping down and crushing the life out of you When you land on the animal push down with all your might on the neck to force the head to the ground When you land on the animal push down with all your might on the neck to force the head to the ground before it can snap at you very wide and you can ride it out until the tail goes limp or you reach the other edge and jump off Force the head down by pinning the head to the ground the jaws cant open Force the head down by pinning the head to the ground the jaws cant open very wide and you can ride it out until the tail goes limp or you reach the other edge and jump off and away from the snapping jaws Move to the shoulders of the beast and stay high Move to the shoulders of the beast and stay high and away from the snapping jaws at all times if possible Knees should touch th ground Knees should touch th ground at all times if possible Squeeze the alligator's flanks and throw your head back and forth and from side to side to make it dizzy before flinging yourself far enough away that you land rolling to avoid th tail Squeeze the alligator's flanks and throw your head back and forth and from side to side to make it dizzy before flinging yourself far enough away that you land rolling to avoid th tail The lower part of your legs should be pinning the hind legs to keep the feet from touching the ground that you wont be able to escape from If the rear legs touch the ground the gaot can go into a death roll If the rear legs touch the ground the gaot can go into a death roll that you wont be able to escape from and you never know which way it will roll or how many times The eyes need to be looking in opposite directions to prevent this You have lost control when the animal does this You have lost control when the animal does this and you never know which way it will roll or how many times and snap your fingers; (or something else)in front of the non-dominant eye to make it mad enough it will try to use it's tail to wh Once on the gator firmly you have to gain control of the mouth Once on the gator firmly you have to gain control of the mouth and snap your fingers; Keep both hands firmly on the alligators neck pressing down with most your wieght to prevent the head from being able to lift up at all Keep both hands firmly on the alligators neck pressing down with most your wieght to prevent the head from being able to lift up at all You have pins and needles in your forearms because of it being pressed down for so long Their is a percentage chat -- click the down arrow to increase weight until it is a full one hundred percent It is a precentage of strength you want to use in each location The tail slapping only you on the ground for a solid hit could hurt but enough of them spread out and eliminate your fight takes some energy and that may leave you open to attack so you need a higher percentage of focus in different places Keeping the back legs up Keeping the back legs up takes some energy and that may leave you open to attack so you need a higher percentage of focus in different places is easy and you have a % there You decide to raise the hind legs off the ground by 10 percent to try it Keeping the head down Keeping the head down is easy and you have a % there 90 degrees This means you get 3 chances instead of two so one miss and you are still covered Rotate you dominate hand forward Rotate you dominate hand forward 90 degrees however, and you may yet recover enough to walk away unscathed That's it for this part of our tale Remain in contact with the gator to prevent a tail slap, compensate with your hand position and decide whether or not you wish to push his vulnerable leg areas off the ground or leave them free Keep your strength on his side Keep your strength on his side to prevent a tail slap, Stay in contact with the gator and you are fully protected Leave contact and you wont know where the tail will end up and how fast it will do so Stay in contact with the gator and you are fully protected so even a small mistake can drop your protection enough that you wont survive Tomorrow the final part brings comclusion to this scene Contact is a percentage as well Good luck Contact is a percentage as well so even a small mistake can drop your protection enough that you wont survive at a given time -- Since resting your arms on his back would be silly and leave you unable to interupt a tail attack while grasping the neck with both hands keeps Its a number that calculate the amount of skin acutally touching the alligator Its a number that calculate the amount of skin acutally touching the alligator at a given time -- Since resting your arms on his back would be silly and leave you unable to interupt a tail attack while grasping the neck with both hands keeps Slide you hand forward down the middle of the gators head and neck to change into the dominate hand for more accurate pin-point systems Slide you hand forward down the middle of the gators head and neck to change into the dominate hand for more accurate pin-point systems move it back toward the tail while your other hand moves out 90 degrees for a total of 3 chances to block while not over-balancing yourself Cover both eyes with your hand Cover both eyes with your hand, The alligator will retract there eyes into their skulls with increased contact Remain on top of the gator using its back and your legs to always have purchase for your feet when it lowers its defenses Use your weight correctly to keep both rear legs off the ground at all times Blinding the animal temporary to give your self an advatnage Blinding the animal temporary to give your self an advatnage when it lowers its defenses and the distance you need to keep yourself away from it as well so you don't get caught by a random tail flip or slam Blind percent of the gator Blind percent of the gator and the distance you need to keep yourself away from it as well so you don't get caught by a random tail flip or slam to keep them covered for most of the allotted time Press down on the eyes with more strenght Press down on the eyes with more strenght to keep them covered for most of the allotted time Pin the head to the ground to prevent the jaws from opening wide and catching anything they can grab Pin the head to the ground to prevent the jaws from opening wide and catching anything they can grab to press down using fingers and palm Keep both legs up off the ground at all times to reduce risk by half Slide your other hand forward and run it along the bottom jaw line Slide your other hand forward and run it along the bottom jaw line to press down using fingers and palm Look for soft skin around bone and slide hand betwen neck and back to keep tail inside Look for soft skin around bone and slide hand betwen neck and back to keep tail inside and push the chin away from torso to make it nearly impossible for it to connect successfully without our help Place fingers under the jaw Place fingers under the jaw and push the chin away from torso to make it nearly impossible for it to connect successfully without our help of each eye and then simply lean forward to smother the gator Use physical exhaustion to hold him down long enough to get graspers around the torso Move palm and thumb to the top Move palm and thumb to the top of each eye and then simply lean forward to smother the gator where the tail begins and press down with leg muscles to keep him from flipping you Grip firmly Grip firmly where the tail begins and press down with leg muscles to keep him from flipping you slow enough that damage from a tail strike would be reduced so you leap up with a crossing motion toward the good side to put weight on his head and rear legs to Allright he is moving Allright he is moving slow enough that damage from a tail strike would be reduced so you leap up with a crossing motion toward the good side to put weight on his head and rear legs to The slipperyniss of the mud around you can impact the success of your catch so you simply need to rely on previous training and your ability to adjust during the act The slipperyniss of the mud around you can impact the success of your catch so you simply need to rely on previous training and your ability to adjust during the act so ride that wave toward success and gain a position in which you can keep one eye pressed and the other covered at all times All of an alligators jaw power is on the down stroke All of an alligators jaw power is on the down stroke so ride that wave toward success and gain a position in which you can keep one eye pressed and the other covered at all times so ride out the wave and enter the open jaws for a full stop to prevent him from biting The have almost no muscle power when it comes to opening the jaws The have almost no muscle power when it comes to opening the jaws so ride out the wave and enter the open jaws for a full stop to prevent him from biting - slide the other in on the side up near the jaw hinge and turn palms out to catch the lower teeth You could hold it shut with one hand- that doesnt mean you should hold it shut with one hand You could hold it shut with one hand- that doesnt mean you should hold it shut with one hand- slide the other in on the side up near the jaw hinge and turn palms out to catch the lower teeth hinge you are holding to keep it from coming back up once you lower the upper jaw The one hand covering the eyes can move down until it hooks down on the lower jaw The one hand covering the eyes can move down until it hooks down on the lower jaw hinge you are holding to keep it from coming back up once you lower the upper jaw No you are not strangling it, the animal needs unobstructed ins and outs for air Both hands should now be holding the mouth shut Both hands should now be holding the mouth shut- Pump the neck in and out and block the opening with your thighs to prevent biting down on your legs and arms Lift the alligators head off the ground and toward your chest Once the head is at a ninety degree angle the gator can no longer fight back enough to require constant attention so you can turn your attention toward stabbing it through the sweet spot along the bottom Once the head is at a ninety degree angle the gator can no longer fight back enough to require constant attention so you can turn your attention toward stabbing it through the sweet spot along the bottom and killed it with a minimum of risk to your person Congratualtions you have wrestled the alligator into submission Congratualtions you have wrestled the alligator into submission and killed it with a minimum of risk to your person will require moving slightly downhill to catch forward momentum and bending knees to come down off its back Just angle all the way over to the tail and exit low Getting off the gator Getting off the gator will require moving slightly downhill to catch forward momentum and bending knees to come down off its back to keep him as contained as possible and move away slowly You survived another close encounter with an alligator Push the gators head back to the ground Push the gators head back to the ground to keep him as contained as possible and move away slowly Slide the dominant hand back into a position to cover the eyes Slide the other hand on from the other side under the jaw to give added strength to keep the crushing down to keep the mouth from opening Lift the head off the ground and get both hands into position to start pumping Pushing down with the domainate hand slide your other hand back along the jaw until it is pressing against the neck Pushing down with the domainate hand slide your other hand back along the jaw until it is pressing against the neck to keep the mouth from opening to keep it propped up when the pumping starts to tire it out Slide your dominat=jnt hand back from the eyes to the neck Slide your dominat=jnt hand back from the eyes to the neck to keep it propped up when the pumping starts to tire it out Pump, pump, pump Wooo nice PUMP! It is over YOu are the victor You should be in the same position you where in when you started to battle this beast Wobble around to keep your sea legs from setting it Get your knees of the ground and get your feet under you You are squatting on the gators back and waiting for your strength to head back from the boat before you go anywhere Look around make sure everthing is secure around you then stand up legs tight against the body to keep from slipping or giving the enemy any advantage legs tight against the body to keep from slipping or giving the enemy any advantage just slide to one of the side and start pumping Much more difficult for the alligator to bite you when you are on its back then when you are on its side Much more difficult for the alligator to bite you when you are on its back then when you are on its side just slide to one of the side and start pumping you are the master now, you control its destiny, it doesn't even try to resist anymore When the animal struggles push it down again When the animal struggles push it down again, and circle it to keep it from changing positions without you knowing Dont let the animal stuggle free Dont let the animal stuggle free and circle it to keep it from changing positions without you knowing is now strong enough to pull the beast around whereever you want like a farm tractor with one claw attached to the belt Grip around the neck Grip around the neck is now strong enough to pull the beast around whereever you want like a farm tractor with one claw attached to the belt to avoid its snap at the same time By now your adrenaline is pumping and you are completely mind pried to ride this monster out like a wild mustang In one complete motion throw the alligator as far forward as you can whild you jump backwards In one complete motion throw the alligator as far forward as you can whild you jump backwards to avoid its snap at the same time and still need to move yourself out of the way quickly to avoid a hatefull snap Depending on the size of the gator you may not be able to throw it very far Depending on the size of the gator you may not be able to throw it very far and still need to move yourself out of the way quickly to avoid a hatefull snap though even if its just a couple of feet you now have some more distance between it and yourself and can start the process again of throwing it as far as you can Thats ok Thats ok though even if its just a couple of feet you now have some more distance between it and yourself and can start the process again of throwing it as far as you can Six inches may be all you need to throw it forward of yourself if you can find that part of a railroad track to tie one end of your rope to Six inches may be all you need to throw it forward of yourself if you can find that part of a railroad track to tie one end of your rope to It must be a challenge necessary for your existence, after all they live here and dont seem to be leaving soon This puts it off balance and give you more time to escape and grapple with the gator snapping at you to keep it off balance and from turning onto its side Jump back as far as you can Jump back as far as you can and grapple with the gator snapping at you to keep it off balance and from turning onto its side away from the alligator Grind staaaay PSSSSSSSSST! And keep moving backward And keep moving backward away from the alligator The gator will likely turn open its mout at you snarl or hiss but dont be distracted by it, the sharp teeth are out and its going to take a chunk out of your leg if you get too close Quickly pull your The gator will likely turn open its mout at you snarl or hiss but dont be distracted by it, Let it pass you by and get as far away from him as you can That thing was huge and YOU just got lucky, he could have really hurt you Let it pass you by and get as far away from him as you can to the nearest store or house to try to get some help On second though, would anyone even want it in their yard? Keep your eyes on it and slowly back away Keep your eyes on it and slowly back away to the nearest store or house to try to get some help If the gator chases you run away directly from it in a straight line and a public place, the only place you should escape to is somewhere that doesnt have docks If the gator chases you run away directly from it in a straight line and a public place, You can follow the river and return home after hiding and watching for several hours to make sure it leaves the area At least that is the plan It will grow tired quickly and find water to return too I guess Might try doing it again some time just for the rush, certainly cheaper than buying drugs or going to a bar Thats how you wrestle an alligator Thats how you wrestle an alligator I guess At this point the giant lizard snaps and you pull your shotgun onto the last bit of it that was still visible It cracked and wheezed and I see a shillotte image of a man wrestling a gator First off the player took ZERO damadge from that fall This game might actually be set before people could walk on moon in real life All the percentage sliders need to be change back to default There you go, looks more like it Oh wait you moved the wrong ones again Take a litte bit from all when slid Take a litte bit from all when slid back to default Okay dammit theres two settings right below here that both say Alligator The screen looks like the following The screen looks like the following: Ohhhhhhh now it makes sense They mean the direction you were heading not the specific animal like I thought at first [move to your left ][jump][ move to your right ] MY BAD Pick a number tentacles again and begin fishing for prizes The only navigational item here is one of the cards you used to play that drinking game Get control of the mouth Get control of the mouth tentacles again and begin fishing for prizes tentacles again to advance Click the image to try again Once on the gator you must get control of the mouth Once on the gator you must get control of the mouth tentacles again to advance This next part is very odd and VERY difficult even with two players Step three: submission Stay inside the mouth and wait for the rush to finish Step four: get away safely

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racingtoaredlight · 5 years

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The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 2

Now do you want to read about college football or do you want to listen to your wildest fantasy of Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy theories in a podcast format? If you answered “college football” then click to read more! If you want to listen to an incredible podcast that will feed your absolute worst inclinations towards nihilistic disillusionment then click right here! True Anon is really all I’ve ever wanted in a left-leaning shitfest. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Now for the football. Hell, the CIA is behind this shit, too. The highlight of the week for me is the line on the Bammers game. No way Saban holds up his end of that bargain. Why the fucking hell is there even a line on that shit?

If you’ve read this nonsense before you know the drill. If not, the times are eastern, the schedule is ripped from FBSchedules and the gambling informatics are per Vegas Insider dot com. Degenerate football can alternately mean football that you only pay attention to for purposes of gambling or the low-level, barely FBS, preferably late night types of games that play for stadium crowds in the hundreds and TV audiences in the dozens. It doesn’t have to be college ball, the UFL is my true ideal of football degeneracy. If you gambled on that you are my target audience. Onward and downward we go.

Saturday, September 7

Matchup Time (ET) TV/Mobile

Ohio at Pitt 11:00am ACCN

Wow. What a special game. It’s got a one hour headstart and for what? Goddamn is this trash. Why is ACCN not just an extra ESPN channel? SECN and Longhorn Network are just parts of the ESPN app but ACCNe is just off by itself inaccessible to 90% of the country.

Southern at Memphis 12:00pm WMC-TV / ESPN3

There’s no line on this game so just check on it to see what’s going on with Memphis. They beat their secret rival The Racist South last week but scoring less than 20 is weird for them.

Rutgers at 20 Iowa 12:00pm FS1

This being a conference game is funny. Maryland and Rutgers being in the B1G is funny. And stupid. Mostly stupid. But that’s why it’s funny. Take Iowa even at -19 because it’s Rutgers.

West Virginia at Missouri 12:00pm ESPN2

Speaking of dumb conference stuff, both of these teams belong in the Big 12. That’s the true spirit of college football and it’s completely akilter. Is Mizzourah the good offense out of these two now? Everything is wrong. I wouldn’t touch a 14-point line in either direction here but over 62.5 seems worthwhile.

Vanderbilt at Purdue 12:00pm BTN

These are the same team but one has Rondale Moore. Otherwise there is no difference.

UAB at Akron 12:00pm CBSSN

I don’t like the beloved CBS Sports hosting a MAC team even if they are hosting UAB. Why did the o/u drop from 55 to 46 over the course of the week? That’s odd. I’d have to check with our dear president but I don’t think Ohio is in the path of any hurricanes.

21 Syracuse at Maryland 12:00pm ESPN

From the bottom of my Georgetown-born, VA-burbs raised heart I hate everything about this game. I would love to see Syracuse lose even if it means Maryland winning. The odds have flipped crazily from opening Syracuse -5 to now having Maryland -1.5. Take the turtles.

Army at 7 Michigan 12:00pm FOX

I saw ESPN talking up Army last night so go all in on Michigan to beat the ever-living piss out of the troops. -22.5 is nothing.

Bowling Green at Kansas State 12:00pm FSN

Good lord, no.

Charleston Sou. at South Carolina 12:00pm SECN

This is cancelled, right? If not pound the under.

Cincinnati at 5 Ohio State 12:00pm ABC

Cincinnati sucks but count on Fickell to make an Ohio State University look bad one more time. Bearcats +16, book it.

Kennesaw State at Kent State 12:00pm ESPN3

I think Kennesaw is the Welsh version of the British Kent. I could be wrong about that but who cares?

Old Dominion at Virginia Tech 12:00pm ESPNU

VPISU should be better by now. I’m wrong a lot but it’s possible I was really wrong about Justin Fuente. Betting on ODU sounds like a bad idea but I fully endorse it.

Western Carolina at NC State 12:30pm RSN

There is no reason to bet on a game like this. This is practice.

NIU at 13 Utah 1:00pm Pac-12N

I could be wrong but off the top of my head I don’t think Utah usually covers in the first four weeks of the season. This is a guess you can use in your gambling.

Fordham at Ball State 2:00pm ESPN3

Blocks of Granite for the win. Book it.

USF at Georgia Tech 2:00pm ACCN

By my count Georgia Tech covered last week against Clemson. USF just hung out in a trash can for 60 minutes. Yet the Bulls are favored here. Charlie Strong was once a hot commodity that programs all over the country coveted. Hindsight is absolutely hilarious.

Tennessee Tech at Miami (Ohio) 2:30pm ESPN+

There’s no line but I’m loading up the wagon for the Golden Eagles. This is the big auto mechanics school, right?

Southern Illinois at UMass 3:30pm FloSports / NESNplus

I, uh, guess, uh... Don’t watch this under any circumstances. Pack a cyanide pill if you must.

Southern Miss at Mississippi State 3:30pm ESPNU

This is an appealing bit of misery but there’s no chance I watch it. Miss State -16.5 seems crazy against anybody. I think.

12 Texas A&M at 1 Clemson 3:30pm ABC

This is statistically expected to be Clemson’s toughest game and they’re still favored by 16.5. The money looks to be going towards aTm but I can’t shake the notion that Clemson is going to absolutely maul them from the get go.

Central Michigan at 17 Wisconsin 3:30pm BTN

I don’t trust Nick Saban to do what’s right by gambling folk but Wisconsin is different. If they don’t humiliate undermanned opponents that means they are a bad team. -35 is the kind of line you see when the Badgers go for 80+.

Charlotte at Appalachian State 3:30pm ESPN+

You’re on your own with this one.

Eastern Illinois at Indiana 3:30pm BTN

See: Charlotte at Appalachian State.

Grambling State at Louisiana Tech 3:30pm NFLN

Is there a way to make a throwback game between Doug Williams and Terry Bradshaw take place here?

Illinois at UConn 3:30pm CBSSN

Oh, come the fuck on.

25 Nebraska at Colorado 3:30pm FOX

The two Big 8 programs that benefited most from 5th downs are facing off on national TV representing the B1G and Pac-12. That’s horrible. Nebraska being a top 25 team but also being favored by only -4 against this version of Colorado is what is known as a paradox.

Richmond at Boston College 3:30pm ACCNE xtra

No line. What cowardice.

Murray State at 3 Georgia 4:00pm ESPN2

Pound the under.

UTSA at Baylor 4:00pm FSN

Go UTSA. We’re all rooting for you.

Western Illinois at Colorado State 4:00pm ATTSN

Man, this is all trash. Not even the good kind.

New Mexico State at 2 Alabama 4:00pm SECN

The predicted score by way of gambling is Bama 60, NMSU 5. Saban is pulling his starters in the second quarter, though, so put a buck or two on New Mexico State just for the hell of it.

San Diego State at UCLA 4:15pm Pac-12N

This is Pac-12 After Dark/CBS Sports fodder playing in the sunlight. Both teams might explode, literally.

Northern Colorado at 22 Washington State 5:00pm Pac-12WA

Pac-12 Washington? That’s a channel? Washington State lookd good in week 1 so hit the over (63) and see what happens.

ULM at Florida State 5:00pm ACCN

Oh, Willie. Poor, poor Willie. Why, Willie, why? Monroe +22 looks pretty good to me.

Gardner-Webb at East Carolina 6:00pm ESPN3

Yeah, buddy, now we’re into it. If this game happens. I think it’s not happening. But if it does? Man, oh, man. You know what I mean.

Maine at Georgia Southern 6:00pm ESPN+

Why would you think Eagles could beat Black Bears? That’s crazy.

North Carolina A&T at Duke 6:00pm ACCNE xtra

Let’s go A&T, beat the devil.

South Dakota at 4 Oklahoma 7:00pm FS PPV

What lunatics are paying for this? You should feel ashamed.

Jackson State at South Alabama 7:00pm ESPN+

Lots of bodybag games, even at the lower levels. I hate it.

Wyoming at Texas State 7:00pm ESPN+

Kind of beautiful but you’ll probably have to squint to see it.

WKU at FIU 7:00pm ESPN+

Get your shit together, Butch. Now. Stop embarrassing me.

18 UCF at Florida Atlantic 7:00pm CBSSN

Oh, now this - THIS! is what CBS Sports is great for. What a shitty game that I love like a long lost child.

Tennessee State at Middle Tennessee 7:00pm ESPN3

Too Tall U vs. MTSU is cool in a way but it won’t be a fun thing to watch.

North Texas at SMU 7:00pm ESPN3

Spencer is visiting ms621 and my people are expecting a lot of scoring in this one with the lawyers coming out on top. /suggestive eyebrow raises

McNeese at Oklahoma State 7:00pm ESPN+

Chuba Hubbard should get about 8 touches so watch early if you’re watching at all.

Furman at Georgia State 7:00pm ESPN3

Man, this is a long list of boring crap.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville 7:00pm ACCNE xtra

Other than the 24 fumbles I thought Louisville looked pretty good last week. Not enough to tune in for a minute of this but maybe they can fine tune some of the difficult football activities like “snapping the football” and “holding the football close to your body” or “handing the ball to the running back” against Eastern Kentucky and then when they pop up against Clemson later on it’ll be worth watching.

Coastal Carolina at Kansas 7:00pm ESPN+

Les Magic: Kansas is favored to start the year 2-0. Not by a lot, mind you.

BYU at Tennessee 7:00pm ESPN

Nobody tell Bergie but I’m rooting for the Mormons here. Gotta go for what makes the most people feel the worst about sports.

Tulane at 10 Auburn 7:30pm ESPN2

Is Auburn rising in the polls enough to make me bet against them at home -17 vs. Tulane? It sure is. Auburn is just as chaotic as LSU but not as funny about it.

UT Martin at 11 Florida 7:30pm ESPNU

Fuck the Gators, man.

Western Michigan at 19 Michigan State 7:30pm BTN

Sparty, too.

Arkansas at Mississippi, Oxford 7:30pm SECN

I am on a descent into hell here.

Buffalo at 15 Penn State 7:30pm FOX

If Notre Dame is next I’m hanging up on this post.

Eastern Michigan at Kentucky 7:30pm SECN Alt.

Whew. Hill people that can only intermittently football. That is a huge relief right now.

Liberty at Louisiana 7:30pm ESPN+

Fuck the Falwells, and not in a good way.

6 LSU at 9 Texas 7:30pm ABC

There is one ironclad rule in college football gambling: never bet on an LSU game. Those who fail to heed this rule will never see longterm winnings. Oddsmakers keep pushing the line towards LSU and I agree wholeheartedly that’s where the expectations should reside but would you be even sort of surprised to see LSU blow this entirely and lose? No, you would not. Neither would I.

Nevada at 16 Oregon 7:30pm Pac-12N

Oregon is favored by 24 and my very cursory impression of these two is that Nevada is a straight up better team than the Ducks. Granted, I’m really bad at this, but that +24 looks like easy money.

Stony Brook at Utah State 7:30pm Facebook

Not even a great QB talent is worth going on facebook.

Miami (FL) at North Carolina 8:00pm ACCN

Pound the damn under. Also, ESPN talking heads are all on the UNC to upset train so put whatever money you have set aside for this contest on the Hurricanes.

Prairie View A&M at Houston 8:00pm ESPN3

That one good recruiting class is mostly a memory for Houston at this point but they’ll still be fun to watch once D’Eriq King and Dana Holgorsen get on the same page.

UTEP at Texas Tech 8:00pm FSN

Wasn’t Texas Tech supposed to run the ball more this year? One week in they’re leading the country in passing. Maybe they ran the ball more and it still wasn’t very much.

Tulsa at San Jose State 9:00pm ESPN3

This is the kind of game that should be played in a prison yard.

Arkansas State at UNLV 10:00pm Facebook

This is the kind of game that shouldn’t be played.

California at 14 Washington 10:30pm FS1

I do believe I’m the span of this game away from getting fully on board with UDub rolling the Pac-12 again. The only team with similar talent, as far as I have seen, is USC. But there are a long list of other issues with USC.

Minnesota at Fresno State 10:30pm CBSSN

This is the kind of stupid game I love but I think I’ll be watching Pennywise the Dancing Clown at this point.

23 Stanford at USC 10:30pm ESPN

USC should just fire Clay Helton now, win or lose.

Northern Arizona at Arizona 10:45pm Pac-12N

It would be very Pac-12 of Arizona to lose this game.

Oregon State at Hawaii 11:59pm Spectrum / Facebook

I guess facebook is there to scoop from the most bootlegged team in college football’s illegal audience but I still hate it. Hawaii playing at home two weeks in a row means pound the over even at 77.5. It’s not like Oregon State plays defense, either.

#saturday post #football #college football #watch em ups #degenerate football #gambling #week 2 #2019 season

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