#though brief it was a much needed respite

[laf-outloud]

For those suffering from excessive heat this time of year... might I suggest a trip to the mountains of Colorado? This was taken the day before they got another snow storm!

San Juan Mountains, Colorado

And if you don't go for the weather, perhaps the scenery...

Ouray, Colorado

San Juan Mountains, Colorado

Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, Colorado

"Because in the end, you won't remember the time you spent working in the office or mowing your lawn. Climb that goddamn mountain." ~ Jack Kerouac

#ouray colorado #san juan mountains #black canyon of the gunnison national park #though brief it was a much needed respite #personal

[luocha-lovr]

⌗ baby boys。

❛ OR :: what a mommy kink does to your boys.

❛ CONTAINS :: afab! reader; no fem pronouns used but feminine pet names and genitalia are used. cock-warming. handjobs. edging. gentle femdom. MINORS DNI but if you're a minor and choose to read anyway, that's on you.

AVENTURINE 砂金

“Wait, please, I— mmh!”

He’s not sure how he even got here. One minute he’s playing a game of poker in Aideen Park with a bunch of what’s-their-names and the other, he’s losing everything he’s bet and more.

Maybe he’s drunk one too many bottles of SoulGlad during that bet. His sight’s way too blurry now, but somehow you’re the only clarity in his vision, the sight of you on your knees and stroking his cock sobering him up a little. This was the condition you’d placed when you placed your bet back at the poker table, and maybe— just maybe— he’s glad that you were the one claiming victory against his first loss.

“So,” you start in a lazy drawl, and Aventurine gulps at the tone of your voice. Your hand stops at the base of his cock, preventing his release with a smile just as lazy. “You’re an Avgin, correct?”

Aventurine pauses.

“What’s an Av—”

“A yes or no is all I need, pretty boy,” you interrupt, not quite realizing Aventurine was raring to cum the moment you called him that. Or maybe you did. He doesn’t know.

A sigh and a beat passes before he nods, “Yes, ma’am.”

“I knew it,” you chuckle, “such pretty cock and tantalizing eyes could only belong to an Avgin.”

The smile that lifts the corners of your mouth makes his breath hitch. He probably should be wary of how you know he’s an Avgin, but the only thing on his mind right now is that you praised him for his answer regardless of his background. He could feel the hairs on his arms stand at attention. No way is it legal to be as pretty as you are.

And then you start pumping his cock again and, fuck, does he absolutely love the drag of your soft palm against the skin of his cock, unable to keep himself from spurting out little drops of pre. It gets on your lips, and Aventurine struggles to even babble out an apology before you’re licking it off and smacking your lips like you were sampling his taste.

“It’s okay, dearest,” you tell him in that tender voice that gets him so weak in the knees, thankful that he’s seated; otherwise he’d just fall flat on his ass. “You taste as divine as you look.”

Fuck.

That was it.

What started off as small spurts of pre became a steady flow of cum as his vision blurs and his ears ring, just the sound of your voice bringing him further into ecstasy. This— this— is the kind of dream he doesn’t wanna wake up from; the sight of you kissing on his cum-stained cock, languid movements of your hand continuing to milk him dry.

“Mommy, please, I can— Nng-hah..!” he struggles to even form a coherent thought, somehow so overstimulated despite you not even putting in that much effort. Realization hits him far too late, that he’d called you mommy, and he’s panic-stricken for a moment as he tries to find his words.

Your hand comes to a stop and you pull your mouth away from his cock. Your grip maintains, and for a moment, he’s soothed by the gentle caress of your fingers against his balls. His breath shakes, and he’s almost hypnotized by the way the golden light of this hotel room makes his cum look like gloss on your lips.

“It’s okay, dearest,” you tell him again, and it feels as though there was more intent to your words this time. Aventurine blinks. You like being called mommy?

It’s a silent question, and you give him a silent answer. If you held him by the cock any tighter than that, he was never waking up from this dream.

Slowly, you’d begin to pump his cock once more, waking it from its brief respite. He could only throw his head back, veins along his length pulsating gently, like a steady heartbeat. He doesn’t even know your name, but by the looks of things, you weren’t even gonna give him that much.

Something about you is so cruel yet so kind, so warm yet so cold, so close yet so far— but if there’s anything a man like him likes, it’s a high-stakes challenge.

He’ll admit he lost the bet, but scoring someone like you is already victory unlike any other.

JING YUAN 景元

“Lock the door on your way out.”

“Yes, General.”

The door shuts and its lock clicks in place as a Cloud Knight leaves the office, finished with their reports for the day. A shaky sigh of relief escapes Jing Yuan, as though he’d been holding his breath, waiting for the Cloud Knight to leave the entire time.

How could he not when you were sitting so comfortably in his lap, smiling at whoever comes in as if you weren’t squeezing down on his cock? He could feel your thighs quiver with excitement with each person that came in, hoping not to get caught in such a risque position. He’s been edged more times today than a year or two ago, and as sexy you are right now, he’d really love nothing more than to have his sweet release already.

“Baby, please. I need you to take the ring off,” he gasps out weakly, his grip on the armrests of his seat nearly enough to break them off. He can’t even see your face— you refuse to show him— and he’s getting far too desperate to even care about his silly pride as he begs for you.

He can’t see the twitch of your lips as they curve into a cheeky smile, but he knows; knows you better than anyone, knows you better than he knows himself. It’s a curse that imprints the image of you in his brain, cheeks all rosy and lashes fluttering with each squeeze of your walls. It’s even worse when you chuckle at him and shake your hips in the figure eight, almost mocking him.

“Five more minutes,” you tell him, and he’s reminded of the silly rule he established for both you and himself.

No fucking before 8pm.

Before 8pm, he is the General of the Cloud Knights, to guard the Luofu from all danger. Before 8pm, he is the Divine Foresight, to guide disciples and train their minds. All of those titles and responsibilities vanish the moment 8pm strikes, for after 8pm, he is nothing but a husband, a lover, and a toy— all for you.

Five minutes feel like an eternity, and that says a lot given his immortality. He’d always been a patient man, so understanding and kind, but he could never hold himself back when you’re involved. Oh how his hands twitched, itching to grab a hold of your hips and just…

He shifts his hips— forward, then to the left, then to the right, then forward again— trying as much as he can to bury himself inside of you while being as discreet about it as possible. If he tried a little bit more, he could—

His thought process is interrupted by the tightness around his cock slowly dissipating, all warmth leaving as you stood from his lap and pulled your underwear back up. Just one glance at him and you could see the utter defeat in his eyes, afraid he’d never be able to be satisfied by cumming from his own hands rather than with your pretty pussy at night.

If you really wanted to, you could make him cry like this.

“Wait! Mommy, I’m sorry,” he stammers, taking your wrist in his hand. The look in your eyes as you turned to face him tells him enough; you knew he was trying to fuck you before 8pm struck. The poor man was so guilty he hadn’t even realized it was 8:02pm already.

Technically, he hadn’t broken any rules.

The delighted laugh you let out is music to his ears and he perks up like some big dog. “Baby, I was going to suck your cock,” you tell him, going down on your knees like you were proving your intentions. Jing Yuan feels dumb for a moment. How could he have doubted you?

He isn’t even able to wallow in his self-pity. What replaces the warmth of your pussy is the warmth of your mouth, your tongue flat along the underside of his cock. “Thank you,” he all but whispers. Somehow he still has half the mind to remember that he was in his office; anyone could come knocking.

Slender fingers and careful touches keep the hairs on his arms standing. Each time he thinks you’d release him from the confines of his cock ring, you pull your fingers away and take him deeper in your mouth. It’s a different kind of torture that he’s not sure if he hates or loves, though a part of him does like it just because it’s you.

Each drag of your lips along the shaft of his cock drives him mad with need— need to cum, need to fuck his hips into your mouth. But he knows he can’t, not when you’re so nice to take care of him at work.

“Mommy, please,” he pleads, golden eyes peering down at you as you make a mess of lipstick stains and spit bubbles. He’s trying way too hard to hold back his moans, though with not much success.

You only shake your head at him, chiding his impatience. In all truth, he’s just far too cute begging for you like this. “Just a bit longer,” you reply with a mouthful of cock and pre, eyes glazed over as his dick pulsates in your mouth.

Shivers run down his spine and goosebumps litter his skin. His breaths come out in quick bursts and he can’t help but slump against his chair when you smile at him. He’s pretty sure his moans could be heard in the next office over, but really, could he care? He’s convinced he already came, but the lack of cum in your mouth was rather upsetting until he realizes he still has the ring on.

The smile on your face tells him you still aren’t done just yet and, frankly, he’s in it for the long ride anyway.

𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪 ISH's notes ::

📌 what better way to celebrate aventurine's official release than writing him a handjob fic am i right?

📌 experimenting on blog styles rn. it's been a hot while. tell me how this one looks!

📌 STILL working on a taglist so just hmu if you wanna be tagged. also i may not be taking requests but i certainly am taking asks. im dying for some moots to gush with.

ish | 2024. no plagiarizing, reworking, or reposting this work on other sites.

#ᯓᡣ𐭩 lovr's #honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail #hsr #hsr x reader #hsr smut #hsr aventurine #hsr jing yuan #honkai star rail aventurine #honkai star rail jing yuan #aventurine x reader #jing yuan x reader #fem reader #aventurine x you #jing yuan x you #aventurine smut #jing yuan smut

[woso-dreamzzz]

Siblings

Hardersson x Child!Reader

Part of The Big Adventures Universe

Summary: There's a baby at your house

You're all waiting around for Pernille's friend when you ask.

He's meant to be dropping off his baby because of some emergency with his wife's mum. It had all been so unexpected but as the only one in the friend group who had hands-on experience with a baby before, Pernille was happy to volunteer.

He's assured her that it would only be for a few hours anyway while they sorted things out so she didn't worry much.

You're sitting at the coffee table with a sandwich for lunch as a show Magda's watching plays aimlessly in the background.

"Momma," You say suddenly," Why have you got a sister?"

The question is completely out of nowhere and a little amusing at how bluntly you say it.

Pernille laughs. "Well, your grandparents wanted more than just one child so they had me and Louise."

You think for a moment. "And that's why Morsa has a sister too?"

"Yes, princesse, that's why Morsa has a sister too."

That stumps you a little bit and the doorbell rings before you can ask any more questions.

Momma's friend comes running in, thanking her profusely before handing her the baby boy in a carrier. He leaves out the door as quickly as he came.

Momma coos over the baby and you come over to investigate.

He's kind of ugly, with wispy blonde hair on top of his head. His face is all wrinkly and strange. His expression scrunches up when he sees you and you decide that you don't like him.

Momma and Morsa seem to though and you don't like that much either.

This baby takes up a lot of their time.

You don't fully understand what's so interesting about him as you sit at the table and colour. You wonder, briefly, if this is Momma and Morsa practising.

They both have siblings. You wonder if they need to practice with this new baby because they forgot how to look after one now that you've a big girl.

The thought of another little girl (or boy) in the house makes your stomach feel all knotty and you can't quite work out why.

"Momma," You say, tugging on her shirt," Up!"

Pernille picks you up instantly but frowns. You haven't asked to be picked up like that for a while now. You hadn't done that in months and the last time was only because you had a little cough and wanted a cuddle at training.

You bump your head against her shoulder and wrap your arms around her next, squeezing as tightly as you can.

Pernille's frown deepens and she tests your temperature with the back of her hand.

There's nothing out of the ordinary.

"Are you feeling alright, princesse?"

You don't answer, just rest your head back on her shoulder. It's a little difficult to help Magda take care of the baby with you surgically attached. You refuse to be put down.

If Pernille even gives a second of attention to her friend's child, you whine and tug at her, wanting all of her attention on you all the time.

You ignore the baby completely even as Magda tries to introduce you. You don't want to look at his stupid wrinkly face nor let him play with your toys.

You don't want him being held by your Morsa either but you can't be in two places at once and being held by Morsa means that Momma's arms are open for the boy to sit in and you don't want that either.

"No, Momma," You say when she tries to put you down.

"I have to go to the toilet, princesse," Momma says," I can't hold you while I do that."

You accept that as true but you trail her to the toilet and get her to pick you up immediately after she's done so she can't pick up the baby.

It's a long day for you, constantly making sure that your mothers remember that they still have you and should pay you some attention. You get given a brief respite when the baby goes to sleep and wedge yourself firmly between Momma and Morsa on the sofa.

You kind of want a nap too but you don't want to waste this time when their attentions are on you so you just sit, holding their hands in silence.

You've never been more happy in your life to see that baby go home with Momma's friend from earlier.

"What was up with you today, huh?" Morsa asks as she and Momma tuck you into bed that night.

You pull a face. "There was a baby."

"There was. Did that upset you?"

You shake your head. "I'm a big girl. I don't get upset."

Momma laughs as she perches on the other side of your bed. "Big girls can get upset too. Big girl just explain why they're feeling upset."

You're a big girl so you're going to do that. "Were you practicing with Momma's friend's baby?"

"Practicing for what?"

"For when I get a sibling like your two have," You say," Do I have to have a sibling?"

Morsa's brows draw together. "Do you want one? A sibling?"

You shake your head and pout. "Just want you and Momma."

"Are you sure?" Morsa prods," A sibling can be fun to grow up with. You get to have someone to play with all the time."

"I play with Jessie and Niamh all the time," You reply," Don't need a little brother or sister."

Momma laughs as she gives you a goodnight kiss. "I think," She says," That our family is already the perfect size."

#woso x reader #hardersson x reader #pernille harder x reader #pernille harder #magdalena eriksson x reader #magdalena eriksson #woso community #woso fanfics #woso imagine #woso #The Big Adventures Universe

[yuri-is-online]

The Tower Stairs: Rollo Flamme

"Forget about school while you're here and enjoy a moment of respite in Fleur City." The words should not be bouncing around in your brain like a screensaver, hitting on the edges left by overblot after overblot. You wish Vil was here to remind you that not everyone who hurt you had been so callous in the aftermath.

But he's not. The only one here who is willing to point out the wrongs is Rollo. Are you wrong for being tempted to let him take advantage of that?

notes: This is fucking 10,225 words and only lightly proofread, sorry. they/them used for Yuu, SPOILERS FOR ALL OF GLORIOUS MASQUERADE, light references to events surrounding overblots, non-consensual drugging and possible Stockholm syndrome, Yuu feels isolated and Rollo has an idea just hear him out. Lots of toxicity all around please be advised This is technically part of a series, the first part features Azul. If you like those consider checking out my masterlist.

Two sentences.

Two students will be sent as attendants to the invited mages.  One monster and one magicless human, approximate measurements attached per your request.

Two sentences barely acknowledging your existence and that was it; the foolish mage in charge of Night Raven hadn't even thought to include a name or photograph (the monster got the same treatment but he could not really bring himself to care as much about that) and he hadn't even made notes about food preferences or allergies.  The attached note was a post-it scrawled in the most haphazard and uncaring handwriting that he needs to take a brief moment to breathe, turning away from his desk to throw another log on the fire and breath in the soothing scent of the smoke.  He doesn't even know what their favorite color is, those poor fools will have to make a guess while they obsess over what costume to throw at them. 

Costume.  His eyebrows twitch as he brings the handkerchief to his nose, the smoke no longer enough to distract from his disgust.  Breathe in, the gentle aroma of rosemary and lavender brings clarity though solace remains tentatively hanging in the bell tower along with all of his hopes, breathe out.  He dares not risk ruining the foolish surprise by asking, but he makes sure to take a nice sheet of paper and properly write out the notes on their measurements neatly, tacking it to the top of the stack where it belongs.  This festival was always meant to be for the virtuous, and while he may not know them, what he has seen of the others guarantee them to be the best of the lot.  The bell dutifully rings out the evening toll and Rollo takes one last look at those two sentences.  He pities you; that's the explanation he reaches for the pain searing in his chest.

~~~~

Halloween feels more like Christmas with how big of a deal all your friends are making of it, and you really lack the words to explain how strange that makes you feel.  It's not a bad sort of strange you suppose as you twirl a little of the thickly embroidered fabric in between your fingers.  Festivities bring good food, an excuse to avoid classwork, and a way to guise showing affection under holiday obligation; it's just a bit odd to see it cloaked in orange, blacks, and pumpkin carvings and not pine needles and nutmeg.  But all of these thoughts are irrelevant, meant to try and distract you from the waiting crowd outside and the social you've been pawned off on.  You take a deep breath, trying to focus on how excited Grim sounds and how cute you know he will look to avoid the terror of being seen.

"Forget about school while you're here and enjoy a moment of respite in Fleur City."

Your eyes meet Rollo’s before you shamefully turn to your friends, disappointment flashing through you with just how impassive his gaze remains despite the beauty of the costume.  It’s just a stupid “crush” on a guy who if you in your right mind you would insist looked ugly.  A real choice example of “guy you didn’t know magic could invent,” 18 going on 80, someone who if you had admitted out loud to wanting to get to know better as a friend you would be judged heavily for.  And if you are being honest with yourself it isn’t even really a crush, it’s just your stupid brain firing off a bunch of dopamine at someone offering you a genuine break and some sympathy for the troubles he assumed you’d been through.  Vil remembered.  The tiny, tired voice of reason tried to do its job at the back of your skull.  It is probably very dark and lonely back there.  Maybe guys from the Shaftlands are just built different.  Even it was overworked and making concessions.

“It looks like you are wearing matching outfits.”  Deuce’s kind smile brings you out of your head and back to reality.  

“You look like you’re matching with Riddle!”  You say and smile wide when both Deuce and Riddle puff up in pride.

“We both look like proper card soldiers,” Riddle actually bows to the Vice-President, who looks really happy to receive the praise “you must have really put a lot of thought into these.”  

“Glad you noticed!”  You see Rollo pull out that strange handkerchief and inhale as his Vice-President happily chirps away.  “Since your Headmage noted your dormitories we tried to include inspiration from the Great Seven in the costume themes!  The costumes are supposed to respect tradition, and your school has some too, we figured ‘why not combine them?’”  

“Where’d mine come from then?”  Grim doesn’t seem too fussed even though he asks, he must  really like his outfit.  “Yuu and I are the only ones who care about our dorm.”

“Yes the… note provided for you was most inadequate.”  Rollo is technically addressing the crowd, but his gaze remains firmly on you.  His eyes are beautiful, green and blue swirling in what you delusionally swear is a gentle dark gray frame that will dull and snap back to firm disinterest once he returns to your seniors.  “As such I suggested the capes but these two came up with the rest.”

“We went with purple and black since those are both NRC and NBC colors.”  The VP gives you what should be a confident thumbs up that you barely pay attention to, still caught up in the intensity of Rollo’s gaze.  

“Thank you.”  You barely manage to break away from it and miss the way Rollo seems to somehow stand taller, even if he does not say-

“You’re welcome!” The vice-president and aide continue to glow with everyone’s praise.  “We really hoped you would like them.”  

You can barely hear their words over your focus on him.  If he feels the weight of your gaze he doesn't flinch, nor does he acknowledge it, leaving Trein’s voice to cut through your stupor, startling you with an expectation of disappointment or trouble.  But it isn’t there, he simply seems concerned, and thankfully not with you.  You cannot say the same of your classmates, but then again you had also forgotten the headache you got listening to them argue over their fieldwork group names.  Seriously, how old were Azul and Idia again?  And you aren’t going to think about Malleus right now, the ibuprofen Trey had helped you pack was with your luggage not the pockets of your costume. 

“What will Yuu be doing?”  Rollo is as impassive as ever, but he once again looks at you as he asks, as if he expects you to be a part of the conversation.  How cute.

“Yuu and Grim will be with me.”  Trein turns to scold your friends and though you expect Rollo to follow, or maybe excuse himself to his duties he does not.

“Are you alright with this arrangement?”  He asks.

“Oh we discussed it before we got here.”  You rush to pacify, which startles Rollo more than soothes him.  “As long as Grim gets to eat a bunch of stuff we’ll be fine.”  If anything it will probably keep him distracted from causing trouble to keep bouncing back and forth between the groups, but you don’t say that outloud. 

“Yeah!”  Grim cheers, excited by the mention of his name if nothing else.  “This place has got all sorts of great food right?! Riddle was tellin me all about it.” Rollo seems displeased, the handkerchief comes out from his pocket but he doesn’t hold it up to his face yet, choosing instead to focus on your eyes.

“I wasn’t asking about Grim.”  Your little friend begins to make noises of protest, but they quiet as he looks back and forth between you both.  But if Rollo has more to say he is forced to keep it to himself.

“Human!”  Sebek’s shout demands your attention and you see Rollo finally lift his arm to take the deepest breath yet into his handkerchief.  “You had better not plan on keeping Lord Malleus waiting!  Have you already forgotten he specifically requested you accompany his group?!?!”  You haven’t, but you know Sebek won’t hear that.  

“Sorry, duty calls!” You give your best elegant bow and are rewarded with a genuine smile.

“Yes, for both of us.”  He watches, with a strange look in his eyes as you flicker out of his view like a wisp of smoke.

~~~~ “I was worried when Sebek started arguing and insisting that he join Malleus’s group… But honestly, I’m glad he has a proper guard.”  Jamil does seem significantly less stressed than he usually does, which in turn relaxes you.

“Of course, Malleus’s safety will always be my first priority!”  Sebek is all smiles and pride as the conversation continues towards what direction to start your tour, you find your mind wanting to join in the conversation but finding yourself unable to really contribute.  Grim is similarly distressed.

“I thought this was Group 1,” he wisely chooses to whine to you and not Trien, “not Group BORING.”

“We’ve got to respect their wishes.”  You say, wishing only slightly he wasn’t wearing such a dapper hat.  You miss scratching his ears.  “Besides, historic spots make for great tourist destinations.  You are worried you won’t get any food, right?  I won’t let that happen.”

“Most of the places I know of aren’t on tourist maps.”  Trien corrects gently, but his small smile lets you know he does not mean to come off as reprimanding.  “But Yuu is correct, Grim, there will be plenty of places to feed you as we check on the other groups.”

“Well then what are we waitin’ around for!  Let’s get cracking!”  Grim’s little shout and face is so deathly serious you can’t help but snap a brief picture on your phone, as you walk slowly between Riddle and Jamil.

“So,”  a relaxed Jamil might be a rare sight, but this teasing look is not “what did President Rollo want to talk to our little attendant about?”

“I was wondering that as well.”  Riddle asks much more earnestly, which gets the squirming reaction from you Jamil had been trying to provoke.  “He wasn’t being rude was he?  An insult to one NRC student is a slight to our whole school.”

“Oh I’m sure he was very personal.”  Laughs Jamil and you try to pass off your embarrassment with a cough.

“He just wanted to know what group Grim and I were going with.”  It has got to be enough of the truth to get Jamil to drop it, but as you turn yourself back towards Trien you are surprised to find him smirking.

“Yes, Mr. Flamm was very concerned with knowing your whereabouts.”  He has the decency to shoot Jamil a stern glance when he cackles, but the teasing point has still been made.  You have been seen (for once, the tiny voice argues, when there is something to use against you.)  Thankfully Malleus and Riddle still seem blissfully unaware of what is being implied, if anything Malleus seems deeply pleased at the mention of Rollo.

“I’m glad he was willing to invite us both.”  It is hard to ignore the puff to his chest that comes with the word invitation, your tired inner voice retreats replaced with a genuine smile.

“Me too, Tsunotarou.  It’s nice to be able to take a vacation.”  You should be concerned that Trien has led you into what appears to be a sewer alley, but the soothing melody of the river to your left drowns out all worries and Sebek’s misery at being the sole mage to have done zero research.  Well maybe not the sole mage, just the only one without a collar.

“Hey Yuu,” Grim whispers, “did ya think at all about what Rollo said earlier?”

“About relaxing?”  Please, don’t let Grim get in on teasing you too.  You don’t want to live in a world where he is more socially conscious than Riddle.

“No!  Well kinda.  I mean about what ya wanted to do.”  Grim does occasionally have serious thoughts.  “N-not that I really care or anythin, just y’know.”  Not that he ever outright admits to thinking them.  This one has him so embarrassed he starts yelling at Sebek to give up on thinking before he can hear your answer, giving you time to actually think on one.

It is a relatively easy answer, the same you always have whenever you get the opportunity to leave campus.  You want to look for a way home, but how exactly do you go about doing that?  Maybe Rollo would know this water sort of reminds you of his eyes, tired, he looks so tired but when he was able to talk to you he seemed to relax and now you hate yourself even more than you had earlier.  You force yourself to stand up at a normal pace and rejoin the conversation, as if the painful spike of emotion that a new crush brings isn’t actively wrecking your heartbeat.

~~~~

Yuu.  The name of the student attendant is Yuu, Rollo was already making amendments to the lines as soon as he confirmed that, but your conversation began to muddle his own corrections with unnecessary feeling.  He doesn’t understand it, the strange pull he is feeling towards you; Rollo assumed at first was fanned by his hatred of those awful mages, the inherent desire to soothe you all feels justified but no… he knows that feeling, or at least he thinks he does.  He feels it every time he sees a magicless citizen of his city think about just how much better their life could be, but that emotion has grown dull, this desire burns him.  Even now as he tries desperately with fragrant herbs and the gentle lull of the river the intoxicating glow of relief in their eyes blazes in his soul.

"Forget about school while you're here and enjoy a moment of respite in Fleur City."

It was generic, there was so much more he should have said.  But what could he offer you?  You're not a mage, you have every right to be wary of him.  To refuse his help would be understandable.

“And I hope the rest of you will enjoy the social.”

The thought of the social finally succeeds in sobering him, he runs though his plans once more in his head as he sees the outline of one of those detestable NRC clowns looking over the various bakeries, clearly inept at choosing where to go.  And once again those thoughts flicker briefly back to you, not that Rollo trusts mages to do anything other than pursue their own interests, but he had hoped somewhat foolishly when he had read the word “attendant” that some care would be taken for your preferences and safety.  But clearly he was mistaken, and how he loathes the thought of his plans being anything less than perfect.  The handkerchief goes back into his pocket and his hand brushes up against a tiny bottle.  Dreamer’s Rest such a mundane name for a poison.  It is, no it was meant to be a precaution, but now, as he idly holds the crystal bottle up to the sunlight, a new thought takes shape in his mind.  It is magic, something he despises and believes should not exist, but if he could convince you to drink it… 

Quickly he shoves the thought and the bottle back into his robes, forcing himself towards Ashengrotto’s group hoping the new temptations will disappear.

They do not, as amusing the thought of them purchasing souvenirs is. 

“What’s so surprising about that?”  The look on Azul’s face as he speaks does suggest offense, but that he has cause to be at all sharpens Rollo’s resolve.  “That’s generally what you do with gifts, yes.  What do you two take me for?”  Exactly what he wants them too, Rollo supposes seeing how quickly Deuce and Epel jump to praise him and completely miss Azul’s muttered expectation of compensation.  The three continue to speak of utterly irrelevant topics.

“Certainly.”  He folds his hands and takes the first opportunity to excuse himself.  Azul is a merchant and these two are dumb as rocks, he has nothing to worry about here.  “I’ll take my leave then-”

“Oh before you go!”  Deuce has an infuriatingly cheerful smile on his face for someone who has just interrupted him. “I wanted to thank you.  For including Yuu I mean.”  Azul pushes his glasses up onto his face, curious, it would appear his reactions are being watched, but that this sentiment from Deuce is not unexpected.  “I was really worried you Nobel Bell guys would see them as an inconvenience or a burden since it’s supposed to be a mage’s social and all and they aren’t a mage, you have no idea how relieved I was you had costumes for them and Grim.  I was really happy they got to come!”  

“Yeah!”  Epel’s smile could be described as cute if he wasn’t such a talented mage.  “We’re going to have so much fun at the social together, I can’t wait.”

“Of course.”  Rollo smiles in spite of himself, if he was less focused on making his exit he would have realized he had been since the first mention of Yuu’s name.  “I will continue to ensure they… are allowed to relax while here.” How disappointing, Rollo thinks, that these mages see inclusion of their supposed friend to be a point in his favor.  It’s almost enough to make him laugh, but then he swears he sees your face before him, eyes agleam with wonder and suddenly words lose all meaning.  The handkerchief comes out as he makes his way back to his tasks, the sooner they are done the more of an excuse he can make to see you again.  “Now if you all will excuse me, I have to get back to checking on the other groups.”  It wouldn't do to keep his flowers waiting after all.

Azul frowns deeply for just one moment.  “Are you sure you should be thanking him?”  His face returns to stoic calculation, but he still asks.

“Why?”  Deuce is so genuinely confused it really does make Azul hurt for Riddle.

“... no reason.”  Yet anyway.”  

~~~~

For a creature so gluttonous Grim sure does love to play with his food, it would be cute to watch him catch grapes in his mouth if you weren’t walking through such a busy intersection looking for Azul’s group.  “You need to be more careful.”  You fuss, taking advantage of Trien’s pause to check his maps to gently poke Grim’s nose.  He sneezes.

“Ya don’t have ta worry so much,” he huffs as if he isn’t pleased with the attention “the Great Grim isn’t able to choke.”  

“Heh your friend doesn’t seem to think so.”  Rollo’s laugh is as smug as it is startling, you swear you jump halfway out of your skin.  He moves to follow you, a noise of startled surprise sending pinpricks up your arms in delight.

“Rollo!  Sorry I didn’t see you.”  Great now he has to think you’re stupid, of course you didn’t see him Yuu!  He clearly just got here!  “Is everything ok?  No one causing you any trouble?”  You have to bite your tongue not to add from my school because who else would be doing that.  

“Nothing’s happened you need to worry over.”  Rollo folds his hands, those water grey eyes ripple with emotion reminding you of your reflections at the riverside earlier. " I simply saw you and decided to come over and see how your tour was progressing so far.”

“It’s goin great!”  Grim hugs his bunch of grapes close to his chest.  “Yuu’s been gettin me all sorts of yummy grub.”

“... it is heartwarming to see how caring Yuu is towards you.”  His smile suggests genuine amusement, and your heart warms with pride.  “But I am curious, have you gotten to do everything you wanted to?  Is there still something you wish to see?”  Rollo says it so passively, as if it wasn't a natural question to ask.  It is, you suppose, a natural question if 

“I’m sorry?”  Rollo’s eyes haven’t once left yours, there is no mistaking he intended to speak directly to you and yet… 

“This is an experience for you too, yes?”  Rollo looks sad you think, but you try to remind your rapidly increasing heart rate that you have only just met so you have no idea if that is true.  “I have some time before I am needed, if your Professor allows it-”

“Of course I will.”  Trien’s voice causes you both to jump, free from whatever strange aura you constantly find in each other’s presence.  There is a strange glint in his eyes, almost nostalgic as he takes Grim from your arms and nods towards Rollo.  “There are a few places I can think of that might be of interest to Yuu specifically, but I’m sure you will be much more up to date with what’s practical.”  You expect him to wait, to confirm just where it is Rollo wants to take you off to but no.  If anything he practically skips away from you with pep that you swear should strain his back.

“I’m so sorry he just left like that.”  You say quietly, and to your surprise Rollo laughs.  The stern look that had been so fixed into your mind since this morning is kinder now, he actually looks like a young man now, the aura of nobility around him seeming to come more from some hidden self confidence you suppose all mages have tucked somewhere.

“There’s no need, I’m sure it would have been much more embarrassing if he stayed.”  Rollo says it so matter of factly you almost believe him.  “So just what was it you wanted to see?”

“Is there a place where-” you eagerly start before flustering with the weight of trying to explain what exactly it is you are looking for.  “Why” will be even harder, emotionally if nothing else.  “Is there any place I could do some research I guess?  Like on really obscure myths and history.”  It was clearly not the question Rollo was expecting, but he does have an answer ready.  

“There is a book store I am fond of across from the main school building, assuming you don’t mind walking back that way?”  

“Not at all.”  You remain trapped in your strange silence, though Rollo does not quite seem to mind.  He easily begins to guide you back towards the school, the tension you had previously associated with him never once returning to his face.

“Do you enjoy reading about mythology?”  He asks as soon as the crowd thins a little.

“Yes.”  Your answer is quieter than he’d like, as if you are questioning the sincerity of your own interests.  “You can tell a lot about what people value by looking at the stories they tell and besides… I just like stories.”  

“What sort?”  The question isn’t sharp, so you silently curse yourself for jumping.  “I apologize if I am coming off as needling you, that wasn't my intention.  As the president of a magic school’s student council I seldom get a chance to speak with… the more sincere members of society.  I am curious about your perspective, you could say I find it important.”

“Why?”  You don’t mean to scoff, but Rollo doesn’t seem phased.  If anything he seems oddly pleased.

“Do you think yourself unimportant?”  The stern look he gives is far less severe than what had been aimed at your classmates, but is still disarming.  “I meant what I said before.  I understand if you find it tiring to be around me as well, but I promise you need only to speak if I am exhausting you.”

“No!”  His pleased smile grows as you try desperately to center your thoughts.  “You haven’t been exhausting me at all, I just- wasn’t expecting the question.”  Rollo’s contented laugh sears you right to your soul, so beautiful and strong and so clearly meant only for you to hear.  You are spared further embarrassing thoughts as you finally reach your destination and he reaches for the shop’s door.

“After you, Yuu.”  Bless the shop bell for ringing you back to reality, and the smell of old books finally luring you away from Rollo’s grasp.

~~~~

There is a peaceful, eager joy about your expression that Rollo tries desperately to write into his memory.  This is how you should look all the time, unburdened by the weariness existing next to magic and mages that undoubtedly piles on you.  His relief flickers slightly as he wonders, unpleasantly, just what it is you think of him and his faults.  Is he truly responsible for your joy now?  And if he is… just what does he need to do to keep it?  He is suddenly heavily aware of the bottle in his pocket, and Grim’s words from earlier begin to suggest an ill formed plan that drives him to speak.

“Have you had anything to eat yet?” he whispers in spite of himself, but you do not seem displeased with his interruption. 

“Idia bought me some grape juice, but other than that not really.”  And yet you have been feeding your companion like some sort of saint.  

“There’s a small cafe attached to this store…”  There is no going back if he says this, there are a million things that should be at the front of his mind but the only thing he can bring himself to worry over is what you will think of him once it is done.  “Would you like something from it?”  You pause scanning the book you are holding and reach towards your pocket, but he catches your hand as gently as he can before pulling back worried he has overstepped.  “I’ll pay for it, please don’t worry yourself.” 

“I can’t ask you to do that!”  So you squeak but your stomach seems to disagree with the strange noise it makes.

“Then don’t.”  He cannot help but smile as he says it.  Cute.  He thinks that is the word he wants to use.  You have his entire attention.  “Just tell me what you would like.”  He half expects you to continue denying yourself, but no.  You murmur a bashful request, and he promises to meet you at the front of the store once he has gotten you something.  He almost believes in his own good intentions until his hand touches the bottle in his pocket as he tries to think.  This… impulse is not his fault.  You will be in danger if he does not act, he needs to find a way to keep you safe from the downfall of those mages who surround you.

There is a selection of fruit and cheese that catches his eye, there is a small dish of honey meant to be paired with some apples.  Dreamer’s Rest has no taste, just one bite from any of these would grant you the relaxation you deserved.  This is a conscious decision he is making, if he commits there will be no way to take it back.  He can beg you to see his reason, but would you listen?  It’s insidious how little visible effect magic leaves on something, nothing looks different or dangerous, the food he is holding just looks like food.

“Have you ever heard of someone traveling between worlds before?”  Rollo should be concerned with how tuned in to your voice he is, how quickly he completes his task and takes himself, with noticeably lighter pockets, back to the front of the store and the tables set next to the front counter.

“Are you sure you don’t mean continents?”  The shopkeep seems confused, but Yuu seems strangely determined.  Desperate even.

“No, worlds.  Like different realities or dimensions.”  You try again.  “Maybe something about liminal spaces?”  That just makes them laugh.

“Oh no, if you’re interested in those sorts of things you’ll need to look at the science fiction section!  Magical travel between different ‘worlds’ is so utterly preposterous, I’m sure Monsieur Rollo will be able to explain to you why.”  You look devastated, as if what has been said is a personal slight.  He lacks the ability to describe just what it is he is feeling now, there is a wariness to how he looks over you he doesn’t like.  There is no reason to doubt your virtue, you have no magic.  So why then,would you be so interested in what would undoubtedly be such a career defining feat for any mage, why act distraught as if you are so intimately acquainted with the subject?  You cannot look at him as he gently guides you to the table, can’t speak even.  It is as if the dismissal has robbed you of your appetite.

“Technically speaking if we had proof another reality existed,” he takes care to breathe in the comforting scents of his kerchief, watching you for any sign of motive “it would not be a matter of science fiction.  As we lack that, however, most statistical models make such a thing out to be quite impossible.  Teleportation magics such as the Dark Mirror at Night Raven possess are already quite rare and subject to stringent regulation, it stands to reason the ability to travel across reality would be much more rare.”

“I see.”  You are quiet, yet unflinching under his scrutiny in a way that makes him want to scream.  There is no reason for you to be so resigned to him, it should be the other way around.  He should be afraid of your judgment, your wrath, not your rejection as you pick idly at the fruits.  “You must think I’m very silly.”  You whisper.

“I think you are not telling me something.”  He whispers as well, trying to sound sincere and sympathetic.  “That your friends and teachers did not tell me something.”  His body moves of its own accord, he stands and places his hands on your shoulders in what he hopes is a gentle manner; you look up to him with a strangely hopeful expression.  It is as if you see him as some source of light, unaware of its hellish source.  “My judgment is fair, so please, unburden yourself while you are here.”  While you can be safe in his arms.

“If I said,” your voice quivers “if I said I did have proof of a different reality.  One where magic didn’t exist.”  He inhales sharply, a new scent worming itself among his affirmations alongside the resurgence of the pain from when he first read those two accursed lines.  “If I was somehow taken from such a place, and wanted to find a way back, would you believe me?”

“Yes.”  There is disbelief in your eyes, but really how could he reach any other explanation for this grip you have on his soul?  The reasoning, as implausible as other scholars would decry it, made a degree of sense.  Why else would such a wretched institution like Night Raven allow for someone so pure to exist in their presence, to say nothing of being allowed to attend as a student?  The best solution, no matter how improbable, is the simplest one, and what a beautiful solution this admission is.

“I don’t know how I got here really, I just sort of showed up at orientation and the headmage hasn’t done mu- I mean he hasn’t really found any promising leads about how to send me back.  That was his excuse for sending me to the social.  He thought that since maybe your academy is also really old and has so many traditions that maybe one of you would know how to send me home.”  Slowly, so slowly it almost burns, Rollo moves his right hand from your arm to fetch something from his pocket.  The large ruby of his ring reflects the dull light of the lamps as he runs just the edge of his handkerchief under your eye, letting his thumb massage the tear towards it.  The comforting blend of rosemary and lavender that invades your senses explains why he keeps it so close to his nose, but those are not the scents that soothe you.  There is an undercurrent, brought by his sleeves and the way his eyes follow the curve of your cheek and stay unintentionally on your lips, of wood smoke and ink that can’t come from anyone but him, who in their right mind would burn something in a bookstore?

“You can speak poorly of him here.”  There is an undercurrent of authority to his voice that should scare you.  Rollo has always looked directly at you, that dark gray blue inviting you to bathe in his light has never once thought of you as the other.  Perhaps because he is too busy looking at your classmates like they are lesser, a thought that you should perhaps pay more mind. “No one is going to carry what you say back to them, I promise.  You poor thing…”  It is all you can do to not collapse into his arms and cry.  It should be condescending, this way he is looking at you.  “It’s cruel to keep you like this.”  Who he is speaking to you don’t know, there is an unspoken aura over you both, an aura of agreement that he could be as cruel as he likes.  Idly, as if he does not fully understand what he is doing, Rollo removes his hand shakily, returning his handkerchief to his pocket, only breaking eye contact with you to eye the abandoned apple slices on the table next to you.  “Are you still hungry?”  He is asking you a question, but it’s not the one he’s voiced.

“Yes.”  You want him to kiss you, but that doesn’t seem to be what he intends to do.  Instead he dips one of the apple slices into the honey and carefully, purposefully lifts it up to your lips.  Wordlessly, he places the slice on your tongue and continues to hold it as you bite down, watching as you chew and closing the gap as you swallow.

His kiss burns, searing you with question and confirmation that this strange attraction is as destructive as it is mutual.  “I have to take you back now.”  He breathes the words close to your lips as you breathe in the smoke of his robes, deeply trying desperately to center yourself.

Your walk back is as quick as it is silent.

~~~~

“Ahh child of man!  Good to have you back, come sit with us.”  Mallues pats the seat beside him expectantly and you gladly settle, much to the chagrin of Sebek who immediately begins howling in protest.  Grim makes similar noises when Azul suggests he sit in yours, but it has much less of an impact when he's voicing them from your lap already.  You breathe deeply, looking around at the sights and sounds of what looks to be a carnival.  Someone walks on a tightrope, there are acrobats tumbling around on the ground, and the whole thing really sparkles with wonder and excitement that feels like magic even before you see the sparks.  It is something that should excite you, but for some reason the more you try to focus on the colors, the more you try to look around the more things begin to blur together.  Perhaps it’s all the walking around you did today but you are beginning to feel extremely tired.  

“And you are all content with such trivial feats of magic?”  Malleus scoffs next to you and you frown deeply, this dance is already impressive. How could this be made better by making it louder?  Maybe he is confused because it isn’t like Briar Valley festivals.

“You could totally upgrade those.”  Snarks Idia.  Never mind, maybe your friends were just dicks.  At least you manage to get some revenge on Idia by making him dance a little with you, no matter how sluggish you feel.  Though it admittedly feels less like revenge when Idia decides to be a responsible senior and guide you back to your seat.  “Are you sure you should be standing up?”  He doesn’t even sound like he is asking the question because he wants an excuse to be anti-social, Idia looks genuinely worried.

“I’m ok, promise.”  you try to grin and bear your way through it but a quick yell for your attention from Grim and the burst of magical fireworks that follow quickly re-directs what little energy you have left.

“Grim, using magic like that in a public place is a bad idea.”  Your scolding is drowned out by other, louder scolds and a spiral into everyone setting off fireworks.  The noise and lights pound your skull with painful overstimulation.  Cautiously, Rollo moves closer to you, concern clear on his face.  

“Are you alright?”  He asks, moving to take your temperature and not finding anything wrong, the only heat you feel is running up your spine from a desperate desire for him to be closer.  You swear you hear someone, Malleus you think, calling for you to join the festivities, but the strange tiredness working its way through your limbs has reached your ears and is beginning to dull the noise around you.  Rollo does not move, he stares down at you intently watching as you dazedly try to stand.  “... Magic is such a troublesome thing, wouldn’t you agree Yuu?  I can only imagine what you have been subjected to, between being stolen from your world and being surrounded by a gaggle of rambunctious foolhardy mages.”  You want to laugh, tell him he doesn’t know the half of it, but your tongue feels like lead in your mouth.  “Worry not- this state of affairs shan’t last much longer.”  Something about his voice worms its way to the back of your skull, maybe it’s the day’s exercise, maybe it’s the noise and lights overstimulating your brian, but you are finding it harder and harder to keep opening your eyes as you blink and try to focus on what Grim is telling you.  He is tugging on your cape and jumping up and down, he has something he wants to say.  He is proud of himself, he has that genuine non-smug happy smile Grim reserves only for you when he wants your praise, and you so desperately want to see what it is he wants to show you.  But you’re tired, so very very tired.  It’s so much effort to keep your eyes open.   So you stop struggling, your eyes close and you feel yourself fall, and conveniently (too conveniently Azul notes pushing his glasses against his nose) Rollo is there to catch you.  “Yuu!”  Grim’s voice finally breaks through the fog, it’s panicked and you feel some worry bubbling up in the sane part of your mind when you realize you can’t move your hand to reassure him you are ok.

Aren’t you tired?  Don’t you want to rest?  Rest here in the City of Flowers?

“Is the noise bothering you?”  Rollo asks quietly, so quietly you wonder if anyone else can hear him other than you.  “Would you like to return to the school?”

“That might be for the best.”  Trien’s hand is cool against your forehead, his voice filled with concern.  “Would you object to taking them back, Rollo?”  You feel Rollo bend to reach under your knees and lift you so high you practically feel like you are flying.  A smile flutters onto your face; his embrace is one of safety and relaxation, with a tender caress from his thumb along your thigh that reminds you of the kiss from earlier.  

“There's no need for that,” Azul tries to attract Idia's attention subtlety “one of us would be more than happy to-”

“That's quite alright.”  Rollo doesn't even bother looking at him as he settles you further into his arms, for a brief moment your eyes open and refocus up at your… captor you suppose.  You know the sound of Azul’s worries, and though you haven’t known Rollo for near as long you think (delusionally, the tired voice is regaining its reason.  This is delusion, madness we are throwing ourselves onto a pyre-) you are beginning to recognize his.  There is worry in his gaze, solely focused on you, from the moment you met him he has been considerate and focused on you in a way that should worry you.  Trien does not seem to share your faith in Azul, you think based on the way Rollo begins to move away from the crowd towards the blissful quiet that he has decided to place his bet on the wrong mage, just as you are about to.

“I am going to trust you.”  You whisper, so slowly you wonder if Rollo even knows what it is you are saying.  If he does, he says nothing aloud, but his steps begin to pick up speed.

~~~~

Fire.  There is a fire to your left you think, the wood crackles pleasantly and gives this strange dream a cozy feel.  Your entire body feels heavy, you can barely open your eyes or move a finger, but you don't seem to be bound to this chair, you can't really seem to motivate yourself to move from it.  Someone's head is resting on your lap, their hands are shaking.

“Forgive me.”  Rollo is whispering, but there is an excitement to his voice.  You realize you have no idea how long you have been sleeping, or even where you are as your eyes open and try to adjust to the dimly lit room around you.  The stonework reminds you of the bell tower from your tour of the school, but you don’t remember seeing this room or the grand fireplace you flinch away from.  “I’m just another mage causing problems for you at the end of the day, no matter how proud I am of my virtues.”  

You manage to lift your head just enough to look down, Rollo’s head is indeed lying in your lap, his giant hat has been placed on the table just next to you, and though there is indeed triumph in his voice the expression on his face is painful.  “No matter how hard I try to better myself, I am still a mage.  I am still filled with evil and I am still forced to use that evil to pass judgment.  I couldn’t even save you without resorting to it.  I wonder just how much you would hate me if you knew…”  His eyes flutter open, gently, much too gently for someone you are slowly starting to realize likely drugged you and definitely kidnaped you, he kisses the top of your hand.  “Can I ask you for your forgiveness?  Do I even have the right?”  Slowly, with effort such a simple action should not take, you move your hand to his head and carefully run your nails over his scalp.  Rollo groans, eyes raising to meet your bleary ones.

“If I can forgive you for this…” putting you to sleep, taking you away from your friends, Rollo did not strike you as someone who did this without there being another reason, Azul had earlier described him as naive and you are inclined to trust his judgment.  “Can you accept it?”  Rollo closes his eyes briefly, considering his options.

“If I were to tell you there was a way for magic to no longer be an obstacle…”  He says it with such certainty you do not doubt him for a second “that I could free this world of that sickness that elevates people undeserving and unnecessarily, would you forgive me for the pain it would cause?”

“Do you see yourself as sick, Rollo?”  You move your hand just under his chin, gently directing his head back up to look at you.  Rollo grasps your hand as you do, rising from the floor as he places it just above his frantically beating heart.

“Don’t you?”  There is pain in his eyes.  Pain and sorrow just like every friend you have seen overblot except without the touch of inky madness that precedes it.  “Or am I just like your friends at that school?”

“You aren’t like them.”  It’s a lie of sorts, whatever Rollo has done, you strongly suspect, is no worse or better than anything the others have.  But- “Why do you care about me so much?”  You ask, voice cracking under the strain of your confusion.  Rollo tightens his grip on your hand, his heart is hammering against it as if it wants to burst out of his ribcage and intertwine itself with your hand.  But it cannot, so it satisfies itself with Rollo dipping forward to kiss your lips.  Softly once, gently twice he kisses, before all pretense is lost and he moves in tune with you to hold onto your cape desperately and kiss and kiss and kiss deeply before he needs to come up for air.  He dares not move fully away, taking his breaths just above your lips and slowly continuing to kiss along your jaw and just below murmuring his words as prayers indescribable as he does.  

“I don’t know why.”  Rollo groans in self hatred as you let out a tortured cry “Ever since I saw you I’ve been unable to remove you from my thoughts, my mind burns with flaming desire to throw away my plans,”  he bites, his teeth sink slowly as you grasp at his robes and gasp “to get to know you.  What makes you happy, the things that make you laugh and what makes you cry.  I want to know that I can create a place where someone as lovely and filled with light as you does not feel the need to be anything more than themselves.  Where, when there is danger, you are protected.”  This too, this mad man who proudly sucks just one more mark onto your skin, is your Rollo, your Rollo who is so clearly going through something he will not confess to you and lashing out at the world like every other mage you know and yet…and yet he is saying the things you want to hear.  The things you have longed for any other person to say to you as he rests his forehead against yours, lips bruised by yours and yet still not defiled near enough.  

“When magic causes problems, the fallout should not be yours to take.”  And just like that, you don’t care.  Not nearly as much as you should, you should be hitting him not letting him admire his work as you fall back into a chair he didn’t need to bind you to, and certainly not thinking of how much you wish he had.  You should hold him to the same standard you had the others.  “I’ll come back for you.”  It should frighten you, how quick he is to return to the stoic calm you had met him in as he promises you something awful.  “There are things I need to attend to at the top of the tower, but I swear I will come back to you.”  You don’t have to think hard about who those will be, Malleus’s angry shouts of betrayal at the (likely) false invitation aren’t hard to imagine, hopefully he hasn’t hurt anyone.

“Stay safe.”  You hoarsely whisper, and Rollo briefly pauses in his walk to the door.  Whatever he is thinking you aren’t left wondering long, quickly with a speed you didn’t know he had he darts back to press a kiss to your forehead.

“You too, Yuu.”  He says your name with something like love once he returns to the door, his smile shines with it.  It’s not his fault that you want it to be, is it his fault that you doubt him?  If it is not love Rollo feels then what is it?  Just obsession or-

“AHA!”  A familiar voice knocks you out of your thoughts and onto the floor.  “FINALLY I FOUND YA!”

~~~~

“It would seem I have made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment.”  Trien’s understatement should fall flat, but Deuce is too busy bouncing his leg to try and dispel his stress.  “I was too focused on trying to make sure you all were not causing trouble, I neglected to consider outside influences.”  There is no need to guess what he is referring to, there is a noticeable absence among the collected NRC students.  “Are you sure you should be thanking him?”  As if Azul can sense Deuce’s thoughts, he begins to voice his own.

“Be that as it may, I doubt Rollo means to actually harm Yuu.  Almost everything he has said to this point about magicless people seems to suggest he thinks they need to be coddled, not punished.”

“Indeed.”  Jamil nods, eyes closed as if he is thinking really hard about something.  “But  his personal feelings towards Yuu is what makes this concerning, that’s what you are thinking I assume Azul?”  

“Like I said,” Azul tries to ignore the cold sweat gathering at the back of his neck, “I doubt he means to harm them, but that doesn't mean his actions won’t have unintended consequences.  Which is why we need to wrap this up as quickly as possible.”

“The rest of you do that.”  Deuce is surprised by how calm he feels, his best friend is in danger, he should be furious.  But all he feels is an unfamiliar determined calm.  “I’ll go look for Yuu.”

“LOLOL what makes you think you need to do that?”  Idia's laughter does spark a bit of a snarl from him, but Idia doesn't back down.  “If Rollo’s following the classic BBGE playbook, Yuu’s got to be in the Bell Tower yeah?  No need to split off into search parties, the princess is always in the final castle.”

“So there you have it.”  Malleus has been disturbingly quiet ever since Epel pointed out how he destroyed the fire lotuses.  His green eyes haven't once moved from their scorched roots, as if he is attempting to sear his anger into the stones below. “I will crush Rollo Flamm under my heel and bring Yuu back to all of us as whole the day they were taken.”

“Dude it has literally been like an hour.”  Idia shakes his head, but Deuce can't help but agree with Malleus. 

“Hold on Yuu, I promise we'll find you.”

~~~~

“Nyhahahaha!  Take that!”  Grim swats the air as if he's cutting through imaginary ropes.  “All those other losers screamin’ and whining as soon as those flowers started poppin up but not the Great Grim!  I jumped all the way up to where that Rollo guy was hangin out and followed him right here to you!”  The story Grim tells you confirms your worst fears, but soothes some of the lesser ones.  You have no doubt that if anyone can solve the threat of the crimson lotus’s it’s Idia, Azul, and Malleus.  As soon as they were done measuring dicks anyway, for now you only have one real thing on your mind; desperately scrambling forward on the floor to scoop Grim up in your arms and hold him tight.  He's trembling, and your heart begins to beat painfully in your chest as Grim starts to sob.  “I was so worried about you.”

“I'm ok Grim.”  You mean it this time, whatever Rollo fed you has well worked its way through your system and left you with the energy to whip away your beloved monster’s tears.  “A bit sleepy but ok.”

“Of course you're OK the Great Grim's here.”  You contine wipe his nose through his sniffles.  “And now he’s gonna get you out of the tower!  Just like a real hero!”  But his bravado has a slight stutter, and yours is fighting a war with your heart.  Your eyes close as you think of Rollo, at the top of the bell tower fighting to defend his delusions from people who would understand only half of what his problems were.  

“I wish I had met him sooner.”  It wouldn’t have stopped this, but you wonder not for the first or last time what would have happened if the poor mage had just had someone to talk to.

“You don’t wanna go do ya.”  Grim frowns, eyes and ears drooping before he remembers he is supposed to be in charge.   “Well then we can stay.  Why should we go back to the other guys!  Yeah!  Screw ‘em!  Always makin’ us do the hard work while they go and have fun.”

“No it’s ok Grim.”  You stand, making sure to still hold onto him as you stand, carefully at first to make sure you are ok to put weight on your legs.  “If we stay here you will never get to be the world’s greatest mage.”

“Yeah…”  Grim does not perk up when you say that, it’s almost enough to make you break out into a sprint in case he has lost too much of his magic already.  “Ya know… henchuman, I don’t wanna go out there alone.  S’ not fun without you.  I don’t wanna be the greatest mage if I have ta not have you.”  

“...I’m not going anywhere Grim.”  You touch your head to his, like a mother cat trying to comfort her kit.  It’s an empty promise you suppose, with how desperate you are to go home.  But if what Rollo had said about teleportation magic was true… then maybe you would just have to pick a place to make a new home instead.  

The rest of the night is a blur.  Somehow you manage to make it down the tower stairs to Deuce, who nearly has a panic attack when he sees you, and Rook who starts composing a poem in ode to Grim’s bravery that gives him a unneeded ego boost.  They do a much better job of explaining what had happened than Grim had.

About the lotuses.  About the pandemonium in the town, about what Azul and Idia had convinced Malleus to do.

“Please don’t ever get kidnapped again.  Malleus got really scary.”  The look on Deuce’s face suggests you will need to give Tsunotarou a lecture later.  A long, long lecture that you suppose you can make somewhat shorter for how glad you are to hear the Bell of Solace ring out.   And for insisting on Rollo still hold the ball.  Getting to see Silver and Sebek try to toss Ruggie, Jamil, and Idia in the air completely makes getting kidnapped worth it.  But…Your friends have not exactly left you alone since the threat ended.  You know why of course, if one of them had been kidnapped you probably would be doing the same thing, but it’s keeping you from some closure.  For someone who promised to come back for you, Rollo sure seems determined to stay away.  It’s making your expression crumple in sadness behind your mask, something you wonder if he notices at all.

~~~~

“I am so grateful to you for providing me with so many memories.”  Malleus holds tightly onto Rollo’s arm as the music flows across the ballroom, piercing gaze strategically keeping him away from the moonlit balcony you have decided to sequester yourself too.  “But I must say there is one matter I think we have neglected to discuss.”

“And what could that possibly be?”  Rollo snaps, the audacity of these Night Raven fools hurts, all he wishes to do is lick his wounds in peace.

“Why, the matter of your unfortunate attachment to my dearest friend.”  Mallues grins, something like fear is finally flickering behind Rollo’s eyes.  How unfortunate.  “The child of man is precious to me, Flamm.  And more importantly they do not share your views on magic.”

“Have you asked them?”  Rollo replies tersely.  

“Why would we need to do that?”  Azul’s voice smoothly interrupts the private dance, he and Idia move to Rollo’s either side, they certainly look concerned.  Angry even.  If there were not mages Rollo would be pleased you had such dedicated friends.

“Because it’s clear from how little you paid attention to their safety this entire trip that you expect them to constantly come away from your magic abuses unscathed.”  He snaps.  “Tell me, if I hadn’t placed them in the tower, what would have happened to them?  Would you have been considerate of their weaknesses?  Yuu is not invincible, and I am ashamed that I of all people seem to be the only one concerned about their safety.”

“No I don’t think you are.”  Azul says.  “Not in the way you think, anyway.  Yuu is extremely capable, we don’t treat them differently from any other student because we hate them, that’s just silly.  Your entire perception of them is based on a terribly prejudiced first impression, and not one nearly as positive as you seem to think.”

“You can just say he has a creepy purity fetish and go.”  Mutters Idia.

“And completely destroy my credibility?”  Azul has more to say, but it's cut off before he can make his point.

“I agree with Shroud.”  Mallues says, causing both Rollo and Azul to choke.  “His treatment of Yuu is very much in line with cult-like devotion towards a magical artifact.  Extremely ironic given his mission statement, wouldn’t you agree, Ashengrotto?”  

“Oh of course!”  Azul laughs, making sure to step forcefully on Idia’s foot before he can go correcting anyone.  “But perhaps back to my point-”

“You don't have one.”  Mutters Rollo, already bored with the conversation and desperate to find you again, just one more time before this entire failed event is over and he has to return to his plans.

“Yuu is a hard worker, and stubborn too.  They do not need magic to be just as capable of what they do as any mage.”  Azul’s words make him pause, he searches desperately for any sign of deception in them, but there isn’t any there.

“You do realize,” he tries slowly, “that none of those qualities make them able to defend themselves from offensive magic, which your Professor at least seems to think you quite willing to use.”

“I mean yeah.”  Says Idia.  “But like, that’s not what he’s trying to say.  If you only choose a route because it has tropes you like then you aren’t really loyal to that character.  If the only reason you don’t want to hurt Yuu is because they haven’t got magic then you are just as bad as any of us.  And trust me, they’re scary smart.  They’ll know.”  And with that cryptic message, Rollo finally finds himself alone with his thoughts.

Two lines.  The first time he saw you the only thing he knew about you was two lines on a sheet of paper that said literally nothing.  And the longer he stares at you, the more he feels like he is drowning under the weight of how little he still knows.

Yuu is a magicless human from a world without magic.  They like to read about myths and legends from different cultures.  They like their cat monster friend and treat him like a sibling.  There, that’s three lines.

Unbidden, his body begins to move towards the balcony where you are standing.  

What is Yuu’s favorite color, do they like croissants?  Are they allergic to any types of pollen, what is their world like?  Do they have siblings, a family that they miss?

He wants to kiss you again, but properly this time.  Not in the throws of a shared delusion, still maybe in the bell tower, but with your full acceptance.

“May I have your hand?”  Rollo feels more sick at the way your eyes light up than anything Malleus had said about guilt and absolution.

“Of course.”  He does not take you out to the center of the dance floor, he does not flaunt you as a trophy won at your friends expense.  He simply winds his arms around you to hold you scandalously close.  “Rollo, do you mind if I ask you some questions?  About some things that Idia told me…”

“Will you give me your number?”  He thinks there is a different way he is supposed to ask a question like that, a nicer one.  “There are a lot of things I want to talk to you about, but tonight I think I want to savor what it feels like to hold you for as long as I can… as long as you are alright with that.”  You do not say anything in response, instead you lay your head against his chest, ear firm on his heartbeat as you close your weary eyes.  “I meant what I said before.  I want you to think of Fleur City as a place where you can find respite.  Solace.”

“Maybe you should invite me to come back then.”  You say and he closes his own eyes to picture it.  He has other places he can take you, better bookstores, more historic places.  Maybe there is a key to sending you home somewhere in his city and if not-

“Careful, I just might ask you to stay forever.”  There is an unspoken aura over you both.  Gentle, new, and warm in a way that Rollo certainly never thought he would be allowed to experience.  An aura of agreement that in time, that might not be such a bad thing to ask after all.

#twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #rollo flamme x reader #yandere twisted wonderland #tw yandere #tw drugs #tw drugging

[yeyinde]

SEA FEVER | Sailor!John Price x Reader

When he invited you to see his ship, half of it was—admittedly—a euphemism. A thinly veiled come-on. A facsimile of romance. Who wouldn't, after all, want to drift out to the open ocean, making love—or some sad version of it—under the stars on a clear night? And he thinks that might be fine. Maybe it's all you want from him, anyway—just a night. A moment. A memory to keep.  But John's always been greedy. The kind that wants, and wants. Once would never be enough, and he knows that if he sunk his teeth into you, a bite would never satiate his rapacious appetite, never quench the hunger.  And since he can't make a meal out of a morsel, he'd rather starve. 

tags: fluff, angst, unapologetic pining, obsession at first sight (but then love follows), blink and you'll miss it awful coping mechanisms (self-isolation, self-exile) and brief allusions to trauma (unresolved because this is about fucking the physical manifestation of the ocean, lads; it ain't about healing), egregious sea themes, a Newfie and his Newfie-isms, whirlwind romance; questionable sailing choices warnings: 18+ | allusions to smut but everything is brief and vague and more about the Feelings™ than the act, explicit male solo though but also very brief and about the Pining™. word count: 25k notes: unconventional leading man (haggard sea boy) romances local travesty (ambiguous, wishy-washy bartender) in a love affair no one asked for. That's what this is. Enjoy. 

*Suggestive themes are signified by a sailor's knot above the paragraph for those who want to read this, but don't care much for smut. SFW will begin with an anchor and wave divider above it. NSFW & SFW shown below:

—PRICE

The storm off the coast of Newfoundland is stronger than he'd anticipated. 

What starts as a bleak looking cloud on the horizon quickly churns the waters into a rough, sickly looking grey that rocks against his vessel without any respite. The cabin is in utter disarray within seconds of being battered by waves that seem to grow in size with each harrowing shade of charcoal blue the sky turns. 

A few warnings from local trawlers in the area, ones quickly turning into the nearby harbour, and a firm reprimand by the Canadian Coast Guard when he radioed back and asked if anchoring was a feasible option (oh, sure, b'y, the man said, his thick Maritime twang hiding none of his derisive scorn. If ye wan'na meet y'r mak'r, it's a safe place to capsize, luh. We'll risk our arses in the morn' when y'need savin', we do. If there's anythin' left of ya that needs savin', anyhoo), he's quick to follow their example. 

But, unfortunately, not quick enough. 

The sudden squall tears through his hull with a vengeance, ripping the sails from their perch with a gust of wind that seems determined to play chicken with the efficiency of his ballast tanks (a pyrrhic victory for Captain and her unquenchable bloodlust for trying herself on just how far she can list before rocketing back upright). He knows with full certainty, and innate experience traversing through the Gulf Stream when he was younger and much more foolish, that the damage is nearly catastrophic. Nearly, of course, because while it clipped his sails, he has engines to bring him back, limping, to the coast the Guard directs him to. 

"See there, y'er ten clicks away, b'y. Sending coordinates in a minute, now."

He's reminded of the warnings given by gnarled, old sailors who told him about the dangers of solo-sailing as he tries to be everything all at once to get his ship to the harbour they directed him to. Asking him, how can you be the captain, the navigator, and the watch all at the same time? When do you sleep? The answer, of course, is barely, but Price likes the freedom of being on his own. The isolation at sea isn't for everyone, but he takes to it with an ease that seems to defy all the gods of the ocean until he stands triumphant in his own domain, on his own ship. 

Until now, that is. 

Until he's battling with a handicap in the ocean. 

But somehow—luck, maybe—he limps his way to the port where he finds fishermen helping latch the vessels to the marina in the harbour. 

Shaded in a dreary grey, the port looks grimy and desolate from his cabin's porthole. A few wooden shacks on the beach are painted in faded primary colours and bear the quintessential marks of a seaside town—seashells, sailors knots (Carrick bend and Ashley stoppers), seahorses, and anchors. Without the dour grey of the downpour, he thinks it might be charming in a way. Quaint. There's a market to the west of him where stacks of lobster cages sit. Men in wellies and rubber dungarees shout orders amid the chaos of the storm, and he takes a moment to gather his things in a rucksack before he joins them on the deck. 

This late at night, there isn't much anyone can do but hunker down and hope for the best. The men point him in the direction of the closest inn—the only one, another jokes—and he tries not to think about how badly damaged Captain will be in the morning. His own stupidity, of course; he knew there was a storm coming but he underestimated how vicious it would be. 

With a nod of thanks, he sets off. 

Brushing against the Eastern coast of Canada was meant to just be a simple drive-by back to Liverpool. Barely a stop, really. Just a scenic route so he could spend his thirty-ninth birthday over the sunken wreck of the Titanic before continuing on the nearly week-long journey across the Atlantic. 

But instead, he celebrates it with a bottle of rum, and a ship on the verge of sinking—stuck, now, in Nova Scotia until he can find a mechanic to patch her up before he sets sail again. 

He sends a quick text to Soap about the delay—stuck in Canada, fuckin' hurricanes—and tries not to dwell on the sudden ease in his guts at the prospect of not going home anytime soon. 

(There are worse places he could be for his birthday, he thinks. Like Liverpool.)

The port he anchored his vessel to is a bottleneck between the last stretch of land for some hundreds of kilometres and the vast, ungiving ocean.

It isn't much to look at—just an empty boardwalk shaped like a horseshoe with most of the shops closed down for the season (or permanently, if the ramshackle state of them is anything to by), save for a grocer, an inn that takes up most of the middle section of the pier, a fisherman's village on the inlet with locals buying the wares from the lush waters filled to the brim with lobster and Atlantic salmon, a seafood restaurant, a cafe that moonlights as a pizza parlour in the evenings, and a pub—but it's enough for now. It's quaint, he thinks, even in its seasonal destitution. 

The buildings are all painted in faded primary colours that are washed out in the heavy rain that falls from some coastal hurricane just touching down in Labrador. 

It's one of those small seaside harbours that have seen better days. One with an economy wholly dependent on passing sailors just to survive, and he feels the despondency in the air like a thick, humid fog clinging to the skin of his neck. Fading signs. Peeling paint. There's damage to some of the buildings from a hurricane that must have swept through some several seasons ago, but the funds to repair are almost nonexistent, and so it sits. Festers. A broken reminder of how deadly the sea can be, even on land. 

The herringbone pier creaks under his weight as he walks the sandy trek from the marina beside the village to the inn (no vacancy, it reads, with middle letters flickering ominously), and he grapples with the unease that fills him at being on solid land for the first time in months. A strange, unshaky gait, as if the cartilage in his aching knees turned to liquid while he was at sea. 

It doesn't bother him too much—by the time he recalibrates to the weight of land pressing down on his soles, it'll be time to leave. 

Maybe. 

("It'll pass," the innkeeper sniffs when he asks about how long these things usually last. "Give 'er a week or so, and she'll blow right by. Might cause some floodin' in Halifax, but we're on the opposite end of 'er. Should be fine.")

It smells like rotten fish, blooming algae, and old frying oil—a typical thoroughfare for most of the harbours he's saddled up to in the years he's been traversing the open ocean. He breathes it in and finds himself already missing the potent loam that brims from the seawater at night. Salt, humus, brine, eelgrass; the ocean smells distinct in its rot. This, then, is a pale ersatz. 

He's been here for a short, few hours already, and still can't seem to adjust to life on land. To the smells, the sounds, the people—not that there's too many of them around here. Price would be surprised if this town's population was higher than three hundred. 

But it's stifling all the same. 

And cold. 

Being at the very tip of the Atlantic ocean, the weather is a near constant gloom. Grey, lacklustre skies smeared with thick, black clouds looming in the horizon like an omen. Salt-saturated air. It's a strange amalgamation between a chilling breeze from the sea and a dense wall of humidity even this late in September. It's uncomfortably thick under the veiled sun—a pale yellow hidden behind streaks of grey cloud cover. 

The best description for this little place is dreary. 

One he thinks might still be true even without the hurricane looming in the distance; a constant, inescapable chokehold within reach. 

In the interior of the small fishing village, people chatter aimlessly about everything except the hurricane (but he supposes that with the frequency of them happening, there isn't much else to say about them except, ah, fuck, again?). He finds a modicum of comfort in their strange twang—a mangled bastardisation of Irish, Scottish, and something unique to the barren, eastern coast of Canada. It almost feels like home, strangely. Like someone dropped him in the Canadian version of Cork, Ireland. 

The people he meets in passing as he drifts aimlessly between the shops, picking up something for dinner and a set of clean clothes, are friendly in an almost aggressive way. 

Then, of course, there's you. 

You weren't expected. A catastrophe in the making, one that he can see coming from a mile away. It's something he has a keen intuition for—being able to sense the kind of trouble that will make leaving harder than it has to be—and he knows better than to entertain this little fantasy, but there's something about you that makes him keep coming back. 

Maybe it's the booze you ply him with; top of the shelf despite adding it to his tab under a bottom barrel price tag. Or the fact that no one has been able to replicate the perfect whisky sour he had down in Barbados, but—goddamn—you come very close. 

Or maybe it's just exactly what it is:

Loneliness. Distraction. 

He's a man always on the move. One who hasn't kissed land in months. And you're—

Well. 

You're the prettiest thing he'd seen since a rainbow cast a glimmering ring on the horizon eighteen kilometres off the coast of the Philippines. 

He isn't old. Not in the way that matters, but the sea has a way of chipping people apart; ageing them in ways that land just can't replicate. He's not yet forty, but sometimes he wakes up after barely missing a brutal storm in the middle of the ocean, and he feels like he's almost sixty. Battered body, bruised and broken; sunscorched. Salt-weathered. 

You, though, make him feel his actual age. As if he's some young, dumb lad who ought to know better but doesn't care. Flippant in the way only the people in Liverpool can be. Young of heart. Dumb of mind. 

And fuck—

Thinking about that place, those goddamn idiots in the pub who didn't know what quiet meant, makes him realise just how much he misses it. Not home. Never home. Home is the sea. The ocean. Home is this little place between land. A wild, untamed beast. The place where, when he was eighteen and smitten, he threw his heart down to the bottom of that unending chasm of midnight blue. 

But you make him homesick, and he thinks he ought to resent you a little bit for it.

(He doesn't, of course; doesn't think he could ever hate you for making him feel even though he should because you make leaving harder than it's ever been, and he doesn't know what to do about that.)

It starts over a glass of whisky. 

He's no stranger to being the foreigner, the tourist. Price is a tall man with broad shoulders and a permanent smear of sunburn across the bridge of his nose, no matter the season. With his unkempt beard of wry umber curls, his deep timbre that sounds more like the battered engine of a classic, American muscle car, a sea-weathered gaze, and his penchant for a stiff drink and an unfiltered cigar, he has a tendency to stand out. 

(Or so he's been told.)

So, when you round the corner of the bar, brow ticking up in intrigue as he wanders in, sun-beaten and salt-slicked, he isn't surprised to hear you murmur:

"Not from around here, are you?"

Still. It makes him huff. "How'd you guess?"

Your other brow joins the first. "This town has a permanent population of maybe sixty people. I like to think I know every single one of them. You, however, I don't know."

"That so?"

You nod. "Yes, sir—"

And fuck. The way you speak, softly but with a rawness in your tone that's completely void of any false pleasantry, seems to notch somewhere in his ribcage, however dusted it is with barren white cobwebs.

"No. No sirs here," he finds himself saying, unprompted, and a little adrift from his usual character. He likes the importance that comes with being known as an authority figure; respected—the responsibility gives him something to do, and John has never really known how to be anything other than a leader, even when he shouldn't be. 

(Especially when he shouldn't be.)

"Then what should I call you, stranger?"

He shrugs one shoulder in a lofty reply, but doesn't give you his name. Not right away, anyway—he also thinks he likes the mystery of being a stranger in a strange land—but you don't press. Your hands lift, palms facing him, in a mockery of surrender. 

"Okay, stranger. What can I get for you?"

"Whisky," he says, a touch gruffer than he should be considering how nice you're being, but he's also never been the sort to care much about social niceties. "Neat. Bottle of spring water on the side."

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you mouth the words back to yourself, a little smile clipping the corner of your lips. Bottle of water. It makes him huff again. 

"Good business to mock your guests, is it?" 

It's your turn to shrug. "Only when they don't give me their name."

You're quick in a way he doesn't expect. Snappy. Unpolished. But considering the way you walk around the bar, snatching up a bottle, and then a glass without even sparing a glance to see what's in your hands, it tells him you're familiar with this place. I know everyone, it screams. 

It's an inference—but he's always been rather good at those as well—that you've been here a while. Maybe this place is home to you. Maybe it has always been. 

Growing up in a dilapidated port town must have rubbed off on you in all the wrong ways. Waspish but still deferential to your elders. Quick with your words. Taking everything to the chin without a flinch. 

You grew up around sailors. Around men who can't seem to stand still on land long enough to call any place home. And he almost pities you for it. Almost. 

But he doesn't know you well enough to care. 

So, he doesn't. 

Motions, instead, to the cigar case he lays flat on the table after fishing it out of his front pocket with a small murmur to see if it's alright if he smokes inside. Places like these are so far behind on bylaws, he doubts anyone would blink if he smoked indoors, but it's better to be safe, he reasons, than to find himself on the curb nursing bloodied knuckles and a black eye. 

(One too many nights down in Manila taught him well enough.)

You nod, then look around the empty pub. "Go ahead. I don't think anyone here will mind."

It makes bark out something that sounds too shorn around the edges, too frayed and unevenly cut, to be a laugh, but it still makes your lips quiver, pulling up in a smile. 

"Glad you've got my back." 

He leaves it open. An empty space for you to fill in, give him your name. A proper introduction. 

Price isn't too surprised when you don't, and instead use two, well-practised fingers to slide his drink over to him, not spilling a drop. There's a flash of teeth. A mockery of a smile. 

And then: "drink up. First one is on the house."

"Well, aren't you charming."

"It's just good business," you quip with a little more teeth. "Gotta stay above the competition."

It pulls another bark from his chest. The second in less than ten minutes. He can't remember the last time he laughed this much, however lumpish and unrefined it might be. 

"It's working," he adds, tipping the glass in your direction. "Might come back for a round yet." 

"Just don't be a stranger." 

He should have been. 

Living a large majority of his life floating aimlessly in the vast expanse of the open sea has given him several insights into who he is as a person, as a man, and what makes him tick. The situations he was forced into, almost all of them being life or death, make him acutely aware of himself in a way that only those who have trust pushed past the limits of their mettle know. 

Price is good at spotting danger. Looming storms. Rogue waves. Reefs jutting out in the middle of the ocean.

And everything about you is dangerous.

He knows himself well enough to know that you're his kryptonite. His weakness. That those glossy eyes, your stubborn pride, your spitfire mouth, are all things pitted against him. All designed to make him suffer as much as possible. 

You're more dangerous than running out of fuel near Australia. Almost getting capsized off the coast of Sri Lanka. Surviving a sudden hurricane in the waters around Mexico. 

You—

You make him yearn. You make him want. 

You make him think about things he swore off of when he was eighteen and set sail around the world all on his own. 

For the first time since he left Liverpool in a boat he named Captain, Price thinks about home. Solid land beneath his feet. 

Dangerous, indeed. 

And despite everything warning him away, he goes back. 

Blames it on a litany of things—all half-truths that are only marginally easy to swallow. Things like: it's been ages since he had a stiff drink, and this is the only pub in some ten kilometres, or so. The only licence he cared enough to renew is his boating permit, and he isn't even sure if his driver's licence from Hereford is valid anymore. Never bothered much to check. 

He needs to get out, anyway. Has to find someone to fix the leak he'd sprung crossing the Labrador Strait. Needs to get more fuel. Enough to last him until he can get to Maine. 

And where else is he going to find anyone in this town to do all of that if not at the pub?

It's practical. A necessity. 

(And if he wears his nicest shirt that only barely smells sunbleached, then no one has to know.)

No one. Except you, that is. 

You wave to him in what's quickly becoming known as your usual greeting. A slight widening of your eyes, as if you're surprised to see him. Then a small quirk of your lips that always accompanies the briefest flash of teeth. If you're not busy making a drink, you lift your hand up, fingers loosely curled over your palm. A lazy wave. 

He echoes it all back with a sharp nod as he takes his seat at the bar. His usual, too, because despite having not been a marine since he was twenty-six, he still has the training he picked up ingrained in his marrow. Back to the corner. Exits in his periphery. 

(Old habits die hard, he thinks, and feels his heart leap to the base of his throat when you grin at him from over the counter, wide and infectious—)

He needs a smoke. A stiff drink.

There's an ashtray laid out on the table in front of him, a coaster with an empty glass. You're quick to rectify that, sidling up to his spot with a bottle of whisky tucked between your palm and thumb, a bottle of water secured in your grasp by just your pinky looped around the nozzle. 

"You should try my whisky sour," you murmur conversationally—like this is normal. Commonplace. 

It is in a way, he notes. But there's something much too domestic about the way you take him in. Fluffing pillows. Resting a cool hand against a warm forehead. Sweetness bleeds into his teeth, makes them ache. He needs to rinse it away before he gets a cavity. 

"Mm," he mumbles, fingers curling around the glass. The whisky is only slightly chilled—the way he mentioned he liked days ago—and he wonders if you took it out of the cool, let it sit on the shelf, waiting for him. He doesn't know how he feels about the idea of that. Of being waited for. Expected. "Not a fan of that nonsense."

Your head tilts to the side. Narrowed eyes reading him. Trying to sear through the layers that accumulated over the years, thick growths. Barnacles bunched around his body from stagnancy. He wonders what you think you see when you look at him. 

Wonders, then, why he cares so much about what the answer might be. 

John hides it all in a swallow. A gulp of whisky that never stops burning no matter how many times he washes his blues away with a swig of it. Lights a fire in his throat that catches and spreads through his chest, all the way down to his belly. Smoky. Ashes. He wheezes through the burn of it. Let it strip his insides, taking all the pollutants with it. The ones that build up whenever he catches sight of soft, coy smiles, and warm eyes. 

Dangerous if left unchecked. 

"You never know," you say, and he's already forgotten what you were talking about originally. Too many dips into the margins. Too much reading between the lines. "You might like it if you try."

And he knows, immediately, that he would. That he'd order whatever fancy drink you whipped up for him tonight with lemon and liquid cane sugar and a pinch of salt to cut the sweetness (your secret ingredient), and would do it for the rest of his life if he could. Would drink himself into cirrhosis just to see the way you smiled when you made it.  

He swallows it. Chases it down with water. He's always been rather good at that—running. Avoiding the things that make his heart thud, and the back of his neck prickle. 

So, he says: "nah, m'set in my ways." 

And you smile, let him flee. "If you say so." Then, with eyes that drop to the three wrinkles in his collar, and the ambiguous stain on the breast pocket of his shirt, you add: "don't you look nice tonight. Who're you trying to impress?" 

There's an itch under his skin. He paws at his pocket for his cigars. You meet him in the middle with a lighter in your hand, held out to him when he jabs the butt of one between his teeth. He needs the distraction. Needs nicotine to quell his nerves. Smoke-stained apathy. Just enough to soften the urge to do something ill-advised. To say something uncharacteristically flirty, like—

You. If you'll have me. 

(And then desperately. With a quiver in his voice, and blood in his throat; if you'll let me. I'll be so good to you, so, so good—)

"Mechanic," he rumbles, words muffled and gruff from around the end of his cigar. The way the flames catch the softness around the ring of your irises makes him ache in all the wrong ways. "Boat mechanic, specifically. To help fix up Captain."

"Captain?" You echo, brows rising. He leans forward, pushes the tip into the fire; inhales to let it catch. 

"M'ship," he rolls the word around a mouthful of smoke. "My first love."

"Ah," you say with a smile that tugs on the corners of your eyes. "She must be a thing of beauty, then." 

His mouth is already forming the affirmation—yes, she is—and the question—why do you think that?—but you beat him to it with a softness that hints at more, that lays itself bare on the grimy, acetone bleached tabletop:

"To make a man like you so smitten."

And Jesus Christ. 

What is he meant to say to that? How is supposed to respond with his heart in his throat, and pulse in his ears? 

He's too old for this shite, he thinks. Then, not old enough. Not nearly old enough—

"Right," he grumbles, gruff and unfriendly, and everything that's meant to make you stay away for good, to look at him like the sorry sap of an empty man he is. But there's a tint in his words. A blood-drenched fluster. 

You catch pieces of it, and smile behind the counter as you pour another drink. 

"Anyway," he's grasping at anything with knotted hands, something to take the edge off of his nerves. To put distance between this, you and him, and all the things that will eventually come after it. "This mechanic. Know where I can find one?"

The derision that dances across your pretty face has heat blooming in his chest. 

"Look around. This is basically a town hall meeting tonight."

He likes the way you ride sarcasm and sincerity so finely that he always seems to oscillate between believing your words or wondering if you're making a mockery of him. Most of the time, you seem to be—if only to get a rise out of him. To draw out his sense of humour, mordant and drier than a desert. One that pairs quite nicely with your own. 

(Another tip to the scale he tries not to think about.)

So he doesn't. He huffs instead as he ashes his cigar, and reaches for the glass with his other hand. 

"Well, ain't you funny." 

You are, of course. Of course. He thinks about the things you say to him when he comes down for breakfast at noon and dinner well after the sun has set beyond the horizon, making a meal out of the lobster rolls you make for him in the kitchen, the tuna sandwiches. The garlic shrimp. The salmon and rice. Idle comments about the locals—or lack thereof—and their spotty reputation. The history of the town. Of your Province. 

"You love it."

And God help him, he does. He does. He likes the way you drag snorts out from the depths of his chest, clearing out empty cobwebs, and filling the barren space with warmth. Or something like it. Everyone he's met so far always seems to want something from him, but you don't. You don't even make him pay for the extra heaping of lobster you pile on his plate even though he's heard you say it was an extra five dollars to a passing sailor. 

He seems to be your exception, and he doesn't know why. 

(Or maybe he does, but looking at it too closely fills him with dread. The kind he only feels when he finds out a storm cell is headed toward him. When he has to anchor down in a bay and settle the sickness in his guts as Captain is viciously thrown from side to side.

The morning after when he has to clean up the broken pieces and examine the extent of the damage, it's always filled with a sense of moroseness. Uncomfortable, in a way, like the aftermath of a vitriolic row, a devastating argument when he emerges with a sense of uncertainty, no longer quite sure he was justified in the things he said, the anger he felt. But too prideful to apologise. The awkwardness of navigating the ruins of calamity with a sense of regret that blooms alongside his lingering anger.)

So, he does what he does best:

"Not in your lifetime, love." 

He runs. 

Because lying has always come easier to him, hasn't it?

The mechanic is an old man with an accent thicker than his own. 

He speaks entirely in regional colloquialisms that Price can't make sense of. Even when he makes it known that he has no idea what the fuck the man is on about, he just breathes out his nose, as if to say, what can't ye understand about me words? and continues in the same mishmash of something that might be English, but honestly—John doubts it very much. 

Still. He's quick. He checks the hull, the mast. The engine. Checks off a list as he goes, muttering to himself (himself, because John stopped listening after the third, what? Come again? I can't understand you, mate that went entirely ignored save for a few, luh, buddy, I knows yer not stun but yer gettin' me right rotted, ye'are), and then slaps the side of Captain, nodding to himself. 

Three weeks, he says, words stretched out and stressed, like he was speaking to a child. 'ave 'er all fix'd up in t'ree weeks, b'y. 

Three weeks. 

It's in line with the seasons, too. If he times it all just right, he could be eating jerk chicken, curry, and oxtail soup in Jamaica soon enough. It would be stupid to go against the Gulf Stream (something he knows from experience when he was younger and dumber and thought he knew better), but a short stint across the Atlantic to Bermuda would suffice. Then once he's finished, he could set sail to the Azores, and then to Gibraltar, or Portugal, back up to the UK. 

Well, then. 

It's set. 

He hands the man a deposit, and tries not to think about the hourglass looming in the distance. 

Or you. 

(He always has to leave eventually. This, he knows, is no different.)

A routine forms. It's not terrible—not at first. Just an itch in the back of his head, talons raking across the inside of his skull, right behind his eyes. 

It's fine, he reasons, taking his spot at the bar while you bat away grabbing hands reaching for free beer, more booze. In three weeks, this place will be a memory replayed in his mind when the stretch of ocean idles, and loneliness sets in. A soft comfort for him to break into pieces, into regrets and spots of unhinged laughter when the isolation in a wet, unfathomable desert sinks its maw into his psyche. 

He'll resent himself, he's sure; curse the winds and the squalls that threaten to tear his boat into pieces. The idle sense of listlessness that comes with seafaring long distances. 

He's done it enough times to know that between the inexorable sense of freedom and insignificance in the gaping maw of an untamable beast, he always hates himself a little bit for not taking someone with him. 

Solo-sailing is ill-advised, but he's always been a stubborn bastard. Too prickly to be good company, too gruff to care. 

Maybe he'll ring Gaz when gets close to Europe to see if he's up for a stint jaunting through the ocean to see the Caribbean with him. Or Soap if Gaz is still hunkering away with the military. 

(You—

He doesn't think about that. Carves the thought out of his hand as quickly as it forms.)

But even so—

You're a constant on his mind. The first solid presence he's had in months, too. 

Despite his cantankerous disposition—sometimes he finds himself snarling more than conversing; sometimes he has this urge in his blood to lash out, to push things away just to see how far they go—you navigate his mercurial temperament with ease. His shorn, gruff words bounce off of your skin and fall to the countertop where you pick them up between delicate fingers and throw them right back at him—all with a smile. 

See, you seem to say. Nothing you can do will push me away so just shut up already and drink your fucking whisky, old man. 

He doesn't know if he believes you. Or the phantom echo in his head. 

"You're shedding," you murmur, drawing his attention back to you. At his raised brow, you lift your hand up in front of him, thumb and forefinger pinched together. 

It's only when his vision steadies that he sees the single strand of hair wisping up from between the tips of your fingers. A coarse hair of dark brown with lightened tips. 

His hand lifts to his beard, roaming over the wry curls peppered, unkempt, around the bottom half of his face. His moustache is overgrown, eclipsing the entirety of his lips. He feels the wetness from his whisky staining the ends.

You laugh when he pats along his cheek and jaw, as if he could find the missing follicle amid an unruly basin of knotting hair. 

"Ah," he rasps. "Guess I'm in need of a shave."

It's not a priority anymore. Hasn't been since he left the Navy, or when he realised how troublesome it was to try and shave his face while crossing the Atlantic. It just stopped being something he cared much about. 

But he feels the long ends catching on the rough patch of skin around his knuckles. Straggly and whitening at the tips. 

"Maybe," you quip with a shrug, and he can't really place the note in your tone that tries to linger between feigned indifference, but misses the mark entirely. 

You don't say anything else as you drop the fallen strand into the bin behind the counter, but as the night progresses, he catches your eyes straying toward him more often than usual, lingering on the expanse of his covered jaw. Something flashes in those depths—intrigue, maybe; curiosity—and John tries to convince himself it doesn't matter even as he pulls out money from his wallet at the crux of the evening when everyone has gone home, save for himself and you. The only two left in an empty pub. 

It shakes him, somewhat. As if he's only realising just now how normal this has become. For him to wait for you. To walk you to the edge of the boardwalk, where a little cottage sits across a sandy embankment. Home, you told him once. The first night he kept pace with you just to keep the conversation going. 

Never been anywhere else but here, you said, a touch wistful. Must be amazing, then. Going anywhere you like. Always at sea. 

He swallows down something bitter at the memory. Something aching and acrid. Yeah, he murmured when the silence stretched on for too long and he saw the apology forming on your lips. Nice. It's—it's good, yeah.

The years have muted the resentment he felt toward his home. His father, in particular. He doesn't think he's ready to step back into Hereford—maybe not ever—but he might be ready to see the old bastard's grave. Drop a couple of flowers down. 

The memories he has are embedded in thrown cast iron pots. Fist-sized holes in the wall. Sealed with bitterness, resentment.

He didn't know how to summarise all of that into something digestible for you. So, he didn't. Doesn't. 

(Can't, maybe. Won't.)

You'd stopped aiming for personal and instead focused your attention on the things that made him snort. Made him laugh. He can't remember the last time he had a moment to breathe. Land makes him feel claustrophobic. Itches under his skin in a way that drums up the instinct to flee. Or fight. 

But with you—

It's easy. 

It awakens something in him, too. Something that has been there all along, maybe. Lingering on the periphery. One he tried hard to ignore as it raked down his skull, leaving false starts in his bones. 

There's an attraction there, seeding in the gaps between your bodies. One that becomes harder to ignore as the days pass. And how could there not be, when you're pretty in a way that makes him flounder. That makes him want to bend you over the counter just to see what expressions he could pull out of you with a mere touch. The sounds—

Fuck. You'd sound so pretty, he thinks. Has thought. Many times in the sanctuary of his hotel room that stunk of algae and smoke. Images of you splayed out on the sheets, begging him for more—

His hand goes back to his jaw. Feeling the years of accumulated indifference beneath his fingers, and needing something—anything—to take the heat in his belly, the tremble of his hand, away. To keep the thoughts of you at bay, locked up tight for no one else to see. To know. 

John doesn't walk you home that night, opting instead to duck into a drug mart beside the inn, hands burrowed in his pockets, eyes lidded. Narrowed, almost, as he takes in the rows of cheap plastic he'll inevitably find at sea. 

He stands in the aisle for a moment, taking in the mix of English and French on the boxes, and trying to come up with reasons for why this is a good idea—outside of the way it felt to have you look at him with lowered lashes, flickering from his chin, to his jaw, to his cheek: imagining what might be under the bushel of thick, unruly hair. 

It doesn't surprise him that he comes up empty. That his head is filled with nothing but the illicit image of you leaning over him—

Stupid. 

He grabs the first box he sees, crumpling the cardboard from how tight he's clenching his fist. 

It isn't the first time he's thought of you like that, but it is in your presence. With you staring at him, filling in the blanks his uninspired memory couldn't conjure up. Talking to him, too—bloody fucking hell. 

All frayed whispers of: you alright, John? You sure? Well, if you say so. 

There's anger writ across his brow, more so at himself for thinking these things, for feeling them in the first place, but as he stalks toward the counter, frown buried behind a mess of overgrown, unkempt hair, and eyes narrowed into pinched lines, he's sure he makes quite the sight. Must, if the little jump the skittish man behind the register gives when he drops the box with a growled how much? is to go by. 

John's never been good at handling his anger. Trickle-down toxicity, maybe. He's sure some fancy therapist would be overjoyed to tell him all about it—about how he's never had a good role model when it comes to biting his tongue. Never had to, when his last name is enough to pass tests, climb ranks. 

Mean and drunk, his dad was.

And Price—

Well. Sometimes he feels himself getting there, too.

But this. This. It feels different. 

He's not nearly as angry as he is flustered, and like anything he isn't used to, he lashes out. 

John is sure they don't tip at drug stores, but he conveniently forgets his change in place of an apology when he storms out of the shop, ignoring the hesitantly called, uh, sir…? as he goes. 

It's fine, he thinks and tries not to let his mind wander into uncharted territory, musing about what you might have said. Might have done. 

Swatted at him, undoubtedly. Said something scathing about him being a prick for no reason. Put him in his place, kept him there. 

But he doesn't think about that at all. 

John stands in front of the grimy mirror in his hotel room with a brand new razor in hand, staring at himself, and wonders if you'd shave it for him if he asked. If you'd keep him in line during the long stretch of the ocean where everything is an endless crawl of muted grey-green, and take him down to the bathroom in the boat, one that's barely big enough for himself to fit comfortably, and perch him on the toilet while you tended to the too-long wisps of curls growing over his cheeks. 

The thought is an algae bloom in his chest. Ethereal, beautiful. But beneath the marvel of nature's potent splendour lurks a deadly danger—one toxic in its domesticity. 

Still. He latches onto it. Curls his worn fingers around the edges, clinging to rotting driftwood. 

He likes the way it fits in his chest. The shape of you moulding along the barren brackets of his ribs; slotting in like a puzzle piece. It's winsome. Dangerous. But he's always like a challenge. 

Always liked the way some things were meant to hurt. 

(And you—you look like you were made to ruin.)

Hair rains into the stained basin with each cut. Filling the chips in the porcelain, built up from years of carelessness and indelicate hands, until a light dust of burnt umber sits like a layer of snow across the surface, hiding the blemishes below. 

Each inch shorn off seems to regress him in age until he's less an unkempt seafarer, a wild man who feasts on tuna and loses his mind in the middle of the sea, and more like the thirty-something-year-old who still has decades ahead of him to try and regain his footing. 

The contrast is jarring. 

He runs the back of his hand across clean skin and nearly startles at the feeling of something touching that part of his face that was hidden for so long. 

He's reminded about something his dad used to say—nothing like a shave to make a man feel new again—and isn't sure how he likes the sour twist in his gut when he feels the truth in those words, however hollow and artificial they might be. 

The face that stares back at him is different from the one who wore a military uniform all those years ago. Cheeks sunken in. Hollow. Thinner from months at sea. His complexion is darker, sunkissed and tinged slightly red. A permanent sunburn, maybe. He thinks about the woman from Ghana who warned him with a finger pressed softly against the apple of his full cheek about skin cancer. Melanoma. 

Wear sunscreen, she stressed with a shake of her head that sent gorgeous locks of midnight black spilling over her bare shoulders. It reminded him of the deepest parts of the ocean that he crossed. Endless puddles that looked like little jars of ink across the vast expanse of the sea. You're too pale not to be wearing some every day. 

(After he left—twinned hearts torn asunder—he found a bottle of sunscreen stuffed inside his rucksack. It was the only time he can remember crying in some twenty-odd years—)

That man feels almost as distant as the sea is to him now. A memory. A moment when he was willing to carve off the best parts of himself just to make room for the loneliness; the self-flagellation in the form of isolation. What he'd thought he deserved. Maybe still does. 

He isn't sure what thoughts were rattling around inside his head at the time to make him leave the best pieces of himself with a woman who seemed too good to be true, but still wanted him, of all people, by her side. Those, too, feel far too distant to grasp. 

His hand is worn down. Knuckles more scar tissue than skin. Welts lined the inside of his palms—thickened flesh made from grabbing the ends of rope too many times to count as it reeled out of his grasp, cutting deep and cauterising the wound all at the same time. He should have known better, maybe. But when his anchor was tumbling down into an abyss, unattached to its cleat in the middle of the ocean, time for thinking was negligible. Nonexistent, almost. 

The accumulated scars—some from land, most from sea—discolour his skin until it's patches of ivory, pale pink, and mounted brown, all slightly hidden under a thin crop of wry topaz hair. 

His nails are short and lined with boat oil. Dirt. The beds are yellowing from nicotine. 

He scratches the rosy skin of his upper cheek where it meets the cut of patchwork mutton chops. His signature style when he was Captain. When he was responsible for more life than he knew what to do with or knew how to protect. 

(The men he couldn't save always seem to stack higher than the ones he did.)

John sees fragments of his old self in the mirror. Pieces of an incomplete puzzle he thought he left scattered on the battlefield, and then tucked inside a box when he handed in his medals for a trawler (a trawler for a sailboat). The fit is tight. It sits uncomfortably over his new skin—scarred and sunkissed—and he gives himself a moment to wonder about where he'd be in life now had he stayed behind. 

But a moment feels too long. Not long enough. 

He brings the razor up to his cheek and cuts the rest of that man away. 

He isn't him. Not anymore. 

(Hasn't been for a long time.)

The skin of his cheeks sting from the bitter evening winds billowing off the icy Atlantic and he's reminded why he kept his beard overgrown and thick when he was out at sea. 

November is a cruel month, he always found. Cold. Desolate. This close to the ocean, and he feels the chill deep in his bones, even though several layers of leather and fur. It's enough to make his teeth chatter. 

The fur lining the collar of his Levi's jacket does little to stem the vicious onslaught, but he makes a point to bunch his shoulders closer to the bottom of his earlobes in an effort to salvage some heat. Not that there's much to spare. 

But the walk from the inn to the pub is blessedly short, and the brief cold gives him enough time to clear his head. To think about turning back. Stopping whatever it is he thinks he's doing. 

He isn't a young lad. Not anymore. 

He knows this, of course. Knows it enough to feel the ache in his joints. In the raw scar tissue that is always a little tender in colder weather. Still. It wasn't enough to stop him from washing his clothes in the coin laundry of the inn. Buying fabric softener and forest-scented detergent from the grocer. A beanie (toque, he supposes, though he's never heard anyone out East use that word), some cologne—the expensive kind. Tom Ford, the lady at the cosmetic counter said. You look like you'd like this one best. 

He didn't ask why. She didn't tell him. 

It smells good, though. Like new leather, vanilla, and tobacco—a strange concept considering most of the time people couldn't stand the smell whenever he smoked, but maybe that's only in cigars and cigarettes. 

There was a moment when he stood in the washroom, buttoning up his freshly laundered (and newly purchased) shirt when he felt like a fraud. A goddamn muppet. 

This isn't him. He reeks of smoke, salt, and sun-dried sweat. He scrubs his clothes clean with extra shampoo inside the shower on his boat when they start to smell a little too pungent, even for him. He doesn't shave. Barely showers—

Who needs it when he can just anchor on a reef, or a distant, uninhabited island and take a dip in crystalline waters for a few hours? 

He feels—

Stupid. 

But he can't deny there's something a little invigorating about slipping a clean body inside clean clothes. Dressing up like some young lad taking his girl out to see a film, grab a burger to eat. Maybe bum around Liverpool until he had to go back to the barracks. 

He bit his tongue until he tasted iron and slipped on his jacket. Pulled the beanie over his head. Sprayed some cologne on the sleeves. And then kept his head low to avoid anyone's eyes, even though no one in this town has really bothered to get to know him like you had. 

John just feels a bit like a swindler. This isn't him. 

Fancy shirts. Clean jeans. Boots. A new leather jacket. Cologne. Barefaced. It all feels like a hollow pastiche of some clichè role he's trying to fill. Leading man, or something stupid like that Soap might jostle him about. 

Who're ye tryin'ta be, Cap? Tom Hardy, aye?

Fuck. Fuck. He should leave, just go back to his inn—

But the door is already opening. You're looking up, taking him in, and then—

Nothing. You offer a slight nod. No smile. No wave. And then you're looking away, eyes dropping back to the tabletop you're always cleaning despite the stains and the stickiness never going away. 

He expected worse, maybe. His hand reaches up as he steps inside, feeling the uneven skin beneath his palm. Rugged craters. Knicks from the blade when he got too close to his skin. Scars, maybe. Patches of hair he missed. 

He wonders what you thought when you saw it. Chiefly disappointed, perhaps, that whatever image you had in your head of him, all clean-shaven and dressed up, wasn't quite the same as reality. There's a sinking sense of disappointment in his guts, but it's almost minuscule compared to the relief of knowing that you don't care. Maybe it'll be enough to quash whatever has been rotting in the crevasse between you. Crush whatever idealistic notions of him you have in your head. 

John would rather you were bitterly disappointed now than realise it after. Regret. A mistake. It's good. Fine. 

It's only when he takes his usual seat does your head pops up again, eyes cutting across the counter to stare at him. 

And—

Shit. 

The way you look at him knocks the air from his lungs. The deep appraisal, the shock, the curiosity, and the—

"Wow," you whisper, eyes widening. He isn't sure what you think, but he knows that look in your eye; a keenness. Sees it sometime staring back at him in a cup of amber when you don't notice him looking. Shit. Shit.  

He clears his throat, uncomfortable under the intensity of your stare, and tries to soothe his nerves as quickly as he can, patting down for his cigars left somewhere in his pocket. In one of his pockets. Fuck—

"Well," you breathe, and he dreads your words immediately, not quite ready to hear them without something in his veins to dull the pinballing emotions in his chest. "Don't you clean up nice. Didn't recognise you at first."

He grunts. "Yeah, yeah. Talkin' nonsense now, aren't you?"

"Nonsense?" You echo, tone subdued, now. Soft. Too soft. He hates the way it makes his chest feel like it's caving in. "What? A handsome man like you can't take a compliment? That's a surprise."

Handsome. 

He feels his pulse in his throat. Heat under his collar. Something spreads across his skin at words, glueing itself down, uncomfortably tight—constricting, smothering—and he fights the urge to reach up to his neck, clawing at it until it's all gone. Peeled off in strips, taking with it jagged swaths of too-hot flesh. 

Your words are painted with too much sincerity, and it drips over his skin—thick and oily—until he's stained in the offering they make. Drenched in the sudden realisation that this is far too much than he can handle. 

That he needs. 

The way you're looking at him—bare-faced honesty, scoured of anything other than a genuity that trickles into the gaps in his crumbling chest, sticky filament made of saccharine promises and a dizzying sense of open affection—makes him heave; chokes him on the embers of that tantalising what if you let echo in the recess of words. 

It isn't grabbing, or taking what he wants. This is you lying flat on the table. His choice to reach for it. To curl his fingers around the bulk of it, feeling the heat in the palm of his hand. 

And he wants. Oh, how he wants—

But it feels a little bit like a betrayal. Self-sabotage from within as his body turns against him. Feelings conspiring with his whims, the ones that force out their pleads between bloodied teeth; yearning as they rattle the cages of this forced prison. Lost in absentia. 

He can't make sense of the tremors that follow, roaring through his chest in a deluge of innominated emotions that seem to shake the foundation he stands on. He reaches, but can't seem to grasp them. Temporal feelings without cause. Intangible. They slip through the gaps in his fingers. Slide off of his flesh as he was trying to catch mercury in the oil-slick palm of his hand. 

John can't make sense of it. Why him? What's drawing you to him outside of carnal attraction? It's always been there—that magnetic pull: his marrow to yours. 

But for the first time since he traded in medals for oars, he feels the pull back to shore. That unquenchable urge to dip his toes into the sand. To keep his feet firm on dry land. 

The feeling of it itches in the palm of his hand. 

And like most things, he doesn't understand, doesn't agree with, he feels the unrelenting urge to lash out against it. Push back. Carve out some semblance of distance between the thing he doesn't understand, and what it's making him feel.

And then he snaps. Bites back against the headiness admixing in the back of his head; noxious, dangerous. It's a discomfort. A slash of clarity that makes him all too aware of himself. Of you. This. Everything. It's too much. 

So easily swayed by a pretty word. What a damn fool. 

The snort he gives in response is a gnarled mess in his throat, all mangled up and shredded on the barbs of his sudden vexation. "Flatter all the poor sods like this, do you?"

It crackles in his chest. Smouldering embers. Dampened by the blood filling his lungs, choking him on what spills out of the shattered levee. 

This isn't—

Isn't him. It isn't you. 

He feels claws raking across the inside of his skull. Sharpened talons digging vengefully into the back of his sockets until it aches. Forcing him, maybe, to see the aftermath of his anger. 

"No," you say, pulling back. Stepping away from him. Giving him space. Not enough, and entirely too much. A sad echo snakes through the crevasse. Glass breaking. Shattering. He thinks of self-sabotage. Tastes it in the back of his throat. "Just you."

It's mean, awful, when he huffs, asks: "yeah? Why bother?" 

"Why not?" You volley back, and he can't quite place the look in your eye. Disappointment, maybe. Something tinged in regret. "Maybe I want to. Maybe I—"

You don't finish. 

Good, he thinks. Good. Stay away. Far away. 

And softer. Softer still—

It's for your own good. Better off this way. Don't turn around. You'll only end up hating what you see. Regretting what you find—

"Don't know what you're getting yourself into." His words are stagnant. Hollow. The consistency of ash between dry palms. He tries to swallow, but can't. Can't. Gives up instead, adds: "won't like what you find, either." 

You hum and it hurts. "Maybe I might. Can't be all bad under there." 

They're sharpened with an edge of sincerity he can't bring himself to acknowledge, not now; not yet, so he huffs instead, and brings a cigar to his lips just so he doesn't have to respond. Doesn't have to engage again. Can't, he thinks, with a cigar between his lips, stuffing his mouth full. 

A pathetic escape. He's never been the type of man to retreat when it isn't the best option strategically. Or when he has no other choice, and too many men on the line. 

But he can't—

(Knife to his chest, you walk away. 

Blade against his tongue, he says nothing to call you back.)

A fissure sits at the zenith that once was a sense of ease, comfort. It leaks a coldness that shakes him to the core when it drifts over gaping wounds and milky-white bones.  

(All of his own making, of course.)

In the midst of it all, he tries to convince himself that this is the right thing to do despite never being a man of altruism in his life, and the lie pools in his empty gut where it sloshes around in the shots of whisky you still pour for him even though he can he see the cruel lashes of his words striking over your expression when you look at him when you think he isn't watching you back. 

Better this way, and he downs a shot just to ignore the merciless echo that asks, for who?

Both of you. Both. 

Because despite what you might think, or whatever little fantasies you made up inside your head about him, he knows they aren't true. They aren't him. 

A man who climbed ranks on the back of his last name. A borrowed legacy with no honour of his own. One who had no qualms about crossing lines that others couldn't until they blurred, until his morality was a sickly grey. 

Until a prison cell in Siberia rewired the fibres in his head, and he was forced to reconcile the unignorable truth that stripped of his rank and the protection he offers there is barely any discernible difference between him and them. The enemy. 

He thinks of Gaz, and the words he uttered become a portend for the calamity of a man who always seemed overly keen to take things too far. 

It's them or us, he used to say. Them or us—even as he tossed an innocent man over the ledge to fall to his death. As he let a child watch him emasculate his father when he knew pride was all they had left, doing nothing in the end but creating another monster for him to hunt down at a later date. Threatened families. Threatened men. Women, children. 

His punishment was nonexistent. Self-flagellation in the form of exile. He cast himself out to sea and pretended it was enough. 

How is he supposed to pretend who is he isn't? How is he meant to touch you with blood writ in the lines of his palm? 

Selfish. Mean. Cruel. 

So, he lets it rot—just as he does with everything else.

There have been others, of course; but Price has always been attracted to older women. Laugh lines and crows feet; swatches of grey kissing their temples. A certain coldness to their touch. An unspoken understanding that everything that is, and will ever be, between them is temporal. Love was just a crutch. A fallacy uttered in the dark to soothe the rugged parts of themselves that worried they might never be enough. 

He can handle women like that. Prefers them. 

The youngest he's ever dated was a woman his own age, and he realised soon after that there was a disparity between he couldn't placate. One that left scars. 

He's a mangled soul in a young man's body. Rough and callous and unwilling to compromise. He's more scar tissue than man, and what can he offer someone idealistic with inexperience and youth except a bitter tangle of hurt that cuts deep. 

But you're an outlier, he finds. Only shades younger than himself, really, but it's not so much your age, but the way you carry yourself. Heart on your sleeve. Aching for love. 

He can't give that to you. 

The last time he tried, he ended up sneaking out on a woman in Ghana, leaving the pieces of him behind that dared to even try. 

He can't offer you anything that isn't temporary. 

And he thinks that might be fine. Maybe it's all you want from him, anyway—just a night. A moment. A memory to keep. 

But John's always been greedy. The kind that wants, and wants. Once would never be enough, and he knows that if he sunk his teeth into you, a bite would never satiate his rapacious appetite, never quench the hunger. 

And since he can't make a meal out of a morsel, he'd rather starve. 

He thinks about leaving six times in three hours, but you carry on as if nothing has happened even though he catches weariness in your gaze whenever you look at him. His glass is filled but the conversations are bereft of their usual cheekiness. The gaps between are no longer filled with his scored laughter or your amused hums. 

You spend more time away from him than you have since he first sat down. The deviation away from what quickly became a bruised touchstone, laden with clumsy fingerprints is jarring, but he can't claim to be upset by your distance when he was the one who caused the rift in the first place. 

So, he drinks. He smokes his cigar. Tries to not think about why his hand itches in a way that he knows can only be sated by sliding his knuckles across the worn wood of the table, linking his fingers with yours. It's a stupid whim. He swallows it down with a shot of whisky that makes his stomach curdle. Seals it with an inhale of his cigar. Forgotten, now. Covered in ethanol and smoke.  

But even with the crowbar in his hand, he can't stop himself from watching you. Eyes trailing along the paths you carve between old wooden chairs, and scowling men waving their hands at the staticky television set, upset by yet another bad call by the referee. 

(He's always thought it was stereotypical to equate Canada with hockey, moose, bears, geese, and maple syrup but so far, he's seen nothing else play inside the pub—aside from a polar bear warning being issued out for northern Newfoundland—but sometimes, the shoe just fits.)

You sift through the throng carrying drinks in your hand and impish grin at the men you recognise. Words he can't hear, ones he isn't privy to, are spoken softly and reinforced with a small grin. Seeing it on your face, pointed away from him; meant only for another, is a white-hot dagger to guts, scraping across his delicate insides. 

The flashes of anger are directed inward. Each stab is a reminder that they once were for him. That had he not gone and ruined a good thing, dangerous though it might be, you'd have been standing in front of him, curbing nonsensical requests over the bulk of his shoulder, unwilling to leave from your perch across from where he sat. 

(Hindsight is a brutal, bitter mistress, but it has nothing at all on pride.) 

He swallows it. Smokes. Pretends he's interested in the game that plays but it's just flashing colour on an oversaturated screen. A foreign language to his ears despite the words on the chyron flickering past in his mother tongue. 

John thinks about packing it in for the night. Heading back to his empty hotel so he can think about you in peace—in vivid, fantastical images of equilibrium; comfort—and finds that might be for the best. For both of you. Some distance to soothe the ache he caused. To reacclimate back to strangers in a dilapidated pub. A sailor and bartender: ephemeral, the way it ought to be. The way it must. 

With his dwindling pack of cigars slipped into his breast pocket beside the lighter he nicked from you ("people always seem to leave them behind in bars," you'd winked, handing him an ugly lighter in the shape of a bear with a pipe in his plastic mouth. "I picked out the one that made me think of you."), he finds himself at a loss for a reason to stay. All packed up. Ready to leave. 

He raps his scarred knuckles on the table, a final farewell that he can feel heavily in his bones, filled with iron as they may be. Still. Still. It's for the best.

Whose, he still doesn't know. His own, undoubtedly, in that selfish sort of way that makes it feel selfless. Like it's the right thing to do even though he bloody well knows it isn't. Won't be. That he'll think about this moment in time when he's all alone at sea and cuss himself out as he readies for a squall. 

John means to leave, but a man gets to you first. 

The man makes a noise in the back of his throat. A complaint, maybe, but it's swallowed by the creak of the floorboards when he sways on his feet. 

"Listen t'me, you—"

But you're not. You make a move to turn around, and he seems to realise you're not paying him any attention. Anger flickers over his slack face, and he's reaching for you with a clumsy paw before John has time to move. The moment he makes contact, fingers skating off the sleeve of your shirt, he's out of his chair, letting it clatter to the ground. The noise is swallowed by all the chaos. Murmurs, shouts. The music feels so out of place in this moment when he can feel his blood run hot, turning molten in his veins. 

"Hey—!"

But your hand is gripping his wrist, pulling him off of you, before John can finish. Eyes narrowed, jaw set, you shake your head once before pointing to the door with your free hand. 

"It's time for you to leave." 

He pitches a fit. Petulant whinging that cuts through the noise. Vague insults hurtled at you, words of complaint that barely make you flinch. 

John's rushing over before he can even think—thoughts all asunder, bouncing around his head in an unrefined mess of shorn noises and fervent anger—but you stop him with a jerk of your head. No, it says. I don't need you. 

And you don't.

The swelling chaos dims and in the aftermath, he realises he's the only one standing. The only one hovering in your periphery as you shove a man twice your size away from the counter when he tries to swipe a bottle as he leaves. 

Everyone is watching, wary, but there's an unspoken sense of understanding amongst them that makes him feel decidedly like an outsider, and wholly out of the loop. 

Where he's from, if you see someone being harassed, you step in. 

Things, apparently, are very different here. 

He catches your eye when you turn back toward the interior after slamming the door shut, and there's a moment where he almost rushes to your side, checking you over for any marks that man might have left behind, but you're shaking your head before he can even lift his foot from the floorboards. As if you know. And maybe you do. Maybe you know him more than he knows himself. Maybe, maybe—

You give him another shake. No, it says, and the soft quirk of your lip echoes in his head, a soft: down boy that makes him bristle. 

It's telling, of course, that he still heeds your wordless command. Hackles lowering, muscles unfurling from their rigid coil. 

Your nod, then, is a soft purr that rolls through his guts like a marble. Good boy. 

John feels leashed when he settles back into his chair. Anchored. All it takes is a nonverbal cue from you, and suddenly, he's tempered. Tamed. 

As if to reinforce the thought, his hand strays to his chin, feeling the scarred, bare skin under his palm. All done because of a simple glance, a fleeting moment of curiosity from you. 

He isn't sure how he likes the fit of it around his neck. Too tight, maybe. Dangerously claustrophobic. But it sits there, untouched. He has no desire to pull it off. To divorce the collar from his neck. 

(Maybe, maybe, he thinks he could get used to the way it feels.)

As he settles in his chair, his eyes never stray from you, standing lax and unphased against the door, chatting idly to the patrons who murmur in tones too low for him to pick up over the rhythmic echo of the sea shanty and the slew of voices in the background, cheers from the hockey game that hasn't quite held his interest long enough for him to know the score. Nothing is amiss, it seems. As if bullying out men twice your size was a regular occurrence—not even newsworthy enough to pull gazes glued to the flashing television, or stop the minutiae of mindless conversations from happening in sparse passels around the pub. 

But it changed something for him. He feels it in his chest, his guts. Something dislodged from the cornice, falling down inside of him in an endless spiral. A sudden freefall. 

He comes to the startling realisation when you look up at him as you pat someone on the shoulder, smiling softly—all forgiven in an instant, the crevasse sealed over in a thick bed of cobwebs—that he wants. Has wanted since he first lumbered into the pub and was met with a raised brow, and a cheeky wink. Not from around here, are you? and he was gone. 

Lost in the swell of you. 

Your mouth moulds around the words, pleading with him over the heads of everyone else, wait for me.

But John had no plans to go anywhere else. 

"I'm okay," you tell him hours later, hands buried in your pockets, eyes gazing up at the midnight blue sky. "Seriously."

There's a multitude of things he wants to say. All threads of lingering, unresolved anger brought on by that man who put his hands on you. Who thought he could. 

Maybe a little bit of it is directed at you, too, for not letting him rip that man into pieces even though he knows it's not your fault. Leashed, he thinks, and rubs absently at his bare neck. 

"Yeah?" He murmurs, voice raw. Eroded down to bare scraps, scorched and pulsing with the poison of anger. He tries to clear it. Swallows down the acrid tang that coats the back of his throat even still, hours later. 

Your head rolls toward him slowly, chin still held loftily up to the sky, and when your eyes meet, he thinks of rogue waves. Capsizing in the middle of endless azure, exposed to elements and predators. To the murky depths below in burnt sapphire.

He swallows again, but it's hard to get anything down when his heart is in the way. 

"Yeah, John. I'm good."

Your words take the shape of a breath, gently ghosting over a scraped knee. It's not meant to convince, but rather soothe, and something about that, about the softness in your eyes and way you speak tenderly, cautiously, as if he might startle, makes him feel hot beneath his collar. Flustered. Foolish. A litany of things he ought not to feel, but does because it's you. 

(Because it's always been you.)

"Right," he grouses, and tries to find his way out of the canyons inside your eyes. 

It's hard to escape when everything looks the same, when it all beckons him deeper. Stay, stay, it whispers over artfully crafted gorges and deep ravines, a stunning beauty that makes nature feel like a paltry imitation of the carvings in your irises. 

In the sandy shores of a small inlet nearly eclipsed by the sea, you turn to him fully, eyes smouldering embers catching in the flush of the full moon, and say, thank you, John. 

He scratches at the collar around his neck, and thinks about throwing away the key.

"What for?" He says instead, brows knitted together—a perfect pastiche of a fisherman's knot. It's rough: words scraped from the thick of his throat, raw and pulsing and dusted in smoke, but you don't baulk at the artificial ire that oozes between his nicotine-stained teeth. No. You lean into it with a smile. 

"Defending me. Trying to, anyway," you tack on with a small huff at his expense, a finger poking at his inflated pride. In jest, of course, but it still makes him frown. "I guess I just got so used to sticking up for myself that I forgot how nice it was to know someone is looking out for me, you know?" 

"Should be expected." 

There's a heat simmering beneath his tone. An underlying sense of anger that hadn't abated entirely yet, just began slumbering. Dormant, but still burning. Still hot enough to hurt. 

"Maybe," you hum, and the blitheness in your tone makes him bristle. Hackles raising. "But it's probably for the best."

"Tell me how none of those fuckin'—" There's a snarl in the back of his throat. He swallows. "None of them standin' up for you is for the best, 'cause it looked pretty fuckin' cowardly to me."

"If they defend me every time something like that happens, then it'll only be worse when they're not around. Most nights, it's just me working. I gotta know how to take care of myself just fine—"

"—shouldn't bloody 'ave to—!"

"—and I need them to know it, too. That if they try anything like that, I'll kick them out. I won't go screaming for help just because they're being rude. I'll handle it on my own because I have to."

It quiets him. Not enough to quell the anger burning in his chest, or the urge to tear them into pieces for sitting back, watching you get disrespected while they throw peanuts at the television screen, and jeer about something as arbitrary as a fucking game, but he finds something akin to understanding. Common ground. 

It makes sense, suddenly, even though it sets his teeth on edge and makes his knuckles itch. 

"No one else will do it for me, y'know?"

"I will."

The words tumble out before he can make sense of them in his head. A disconnect between his mouth and his thoughts, eroded by the smoke leaking into his throat. The fire in his chest. 

A mistake, maybe, because they're futile. Pointless. More so a whim of pride, a flash of possessiveness just to stroke the smouldering embers of the ego you bruised earlier with the tip of your finger. 

(Or maybe they're the afterbirth of his righteousness; that insatiable beast he conceived into the world he swore he'd save—no matter what—only to realise somewhere after leaking madness into the fibres that he was making more monsters than he was culling. 

A lingering remnant of when he bore the burden of the world on his shoulders during a botched pantomime of Atlas.)

You know it, too. "You won't be around all the time, John."

He tastes salt in the back of his throat. It burns when he swallows. When the words that tore through the seam of his lips dissolve into ash, into smoke. 

Your hand on his shoulder is meant to be placating but it feels like a dagger to his gut. 

"I can take care of myself. Been doin' it all my life, anyway."

He can't make sense of it. Can't understand how your words fill the hollow crevasses inside of him until he feels more like a mortal man than an untouchable mountain. 

You bring him back down to the solidness of land, of the earth. An anchor. 

John touches his neck again. "Yeah," he rasps. "I get it. Now, let's get you home."

He thinks about you. 

A lot would be an understatement considering how many times he's taken you to bed, pulled you down into the sheets with him. Tangled limbs. Rushed breath. He thinks of you now, too, with heavy eyes and a little smile, beckoning him forward. 

His own illicit sanctuary. A place in his head where he ruins you over, and over, and over again until there's a permanent stain on the tips of his fingers, the back of his throat. A constant reminder of you—the way you smell, sound, taste—

It's been a while since he had a moment like this, when he could relax, feel himself—already half-hard when he palms himself through his boxers—and just—

Lose himself. Body melting into the sheets. Tension bleeding together into one mass that pools in his lower belly, coalescing into a tight knot in his groin. It spools, pulls taut, when he runs the flat of his palm down the length of himself until he meets the soft flesh of his perineum. 

It's easy to tilt his chin up, eyes gazing at the seashell colouring of the popcorn ceiling, stroking himself in slow, unhurried rolls of his hand, and thinking of you. Your hand on him. Your breath tickling his ear, spurring him on. 

"Come on, John," you'd say in that voice made to bring him to his knees. "You can go faster than that, can't you?"

He responds instantly to the faint echo in his head, grunting at the pleasure that races down his spine. Tugging on that tightly wound knot until it trembles. 

His hand around the length of him is replaced with yours. Tentative, exploratory strokes from frenulum to his thickened base; up, up, a teasing swipe of your thumb across his weeping slit but only enough to make his hips arch off the bed, and then you pull away, down. Down. Over and over again. He thinks of the way your breath would feel ghosting over his temple. The press of your chest when you leave over his shoulder. 

John rocks into it, hips undulating with each pass of the hand that is too gnarled, too scarred to be yours; lost in the fantasy of your presence around him, on him, in him. 

Maybe your other arm would be tucked under the nape of his neck, bracketing him into your body. A safety net. A security blanket. You'd toy with his cheek—twee and gentle; a ginger touch to offset the illicit press of your thumb into his frenulum. Lean over, too, perhaps, and press those inviting lips to his. A soft kiss. Barely a whisper. A brush.

His tongue rolls over his bottom lip, chasing the phantom taste of you that isn't there. He imagines you'd taste like the sea. Briny, but mild. Salted winter melon. A sweetness, too, beneath the tart tang of iodine, but one that was metallic—copper. Iron. 

Pleasure knots in his groin—tighter, tighter, tighter—and even with each stroke a pale imitation of your warm flesh on him, he finds the spooling coil building in a quick crescendo of bliss to be somehow more potent than it ever was. A feverish heat at the mere thought of you. 

It builds. Builds. And breaks—

Your name is a broken snarl in the back of his throat as he spills over himself in thick, molten ropes. Each pulse of his heart floods more liquid heat onto his hand (hot enough, maybe, to burn), and he leans into the sudden deluge of a chemical frenzy ripping through his synopses—all liquid euphoria, static endorphins, and a heady rush of dopamine that makes the edges of his vision blur just a touch when he blinks his tired, heavy, eyes open, staring back up at the off-white ceiling. 

The surge and plummet of adrenaline leaves him feeling fatigued. A bone-deep torpor that comes swiftly in the simmering aftershocks of his pleasure. 

He could close his eyes now and sleep—even with the mess on his hand, come cooling against his heated flesh, growing tacky and uncomfortably wet as it sat there. The idea is more appealing than standing up and washing himself down, and in his sudden languor, he haphazardly lifts his hand away from his still-throbbing cock softening against his damp thigh, and pats the mess on his hand against the extra pillow he doesn't use. It's hardly the cleanup he needs, and he knows washing the dry come from the coarse hair on his thighs and groin is going be a nuisance in the morning, but he can't muster the energy to open his lids past half-mast let alone stand and hobble his way into the washroom. 

(And maybe he doesn't want to see himself in the mirror right now. Doesn't want to contend with the same routine of thinking of you, getting off to the thought alone, and then slinking into the tub for a quick rinse of his regrets. Not tonight, anyway—)

So, he stays in bed, laying there in his own filth, and still thinks of you. With his eyes closed tight, he doesn't have to face the reality of your absence. Of his dirty whim that sullied you in his head (over and over and over again—). His loneliness. 

And it's nice to bask in the glow. To imagine you beside him still. 

John's never been as delusional as now when he can taste the Caribbean sun on his tongue. Feel the salt on his skin. He smells sand. Feels it under his back as he lays down with you curled over him, hand tucked against his chest where it belongs. Dosing under the shaded pyre. You'll catch fish in the morning. He'll take you out to places you'd never been, all of them. Every single one. Until the world is shaded with your fingerprints. 

He's never been much into lyricism, but you make him contemplate the dividing line between prose and poetry, and where he fits between the two. The bridge, he thinks. The gaps between words, the space between letters: heart and soul (and the tangibility of them both). 

He wants to go there with you. 

The vision of you laying with him in sand embeds itself in the weakened link of his splintering resolve, eroding the chain away until it breaks, and the next night finds him sitting in the same spot, drinking the same whiskey, but his thoughts are subsumed by you. 

Without it keeping him at bay, he makes a terrible decision—one he wishes he could blame on whisky, but he's sober in a way he hasn't been in years—but when he looks up at you, twenty minutes past closing after everyone has stumbled out of the pub, something blooms in his veins. 

It's white-hot—hotter than the sensation of being shot in the thigh by a stray bullet when he was still figuring himself out in a battlefield—and dredges up dormant feelings he hasn't made room for since he was twenty-seven and fell in love in Ghana. 

It's cacoëthes. 

(But maybe it's been heading forward this all along. Ever since he saw you tug around a man twice your size, and wanted to bruise his knuckles on this stranger's enamel. The one who dared touch you. Disrespect you.)

John makes the awful choice to kiss you.

It starts with a look. 

The night ends later than usual—a hockey game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Ottawa Senators draws a big, rowdy crowd of nearly fifteen people ("truly record-breaking numbers," you quip with a grin) that bemusingly celebrate the Senators' victory and mourn the Penguin's loss at the same time ("it's a cultural thing—Sydney Crosby plays for the Penguin's," you tell him as if it explains everything)—and when he finally pockets his cigars, the sky outside is already dusted with crops of mauve as the hazy sun tries to blink through the thick clouds of gunmetal and charcoal. 

You wave to the fishermen on the boardwalk as they prepare their empty lobster cages for the morning haul, and he tries to think of every reason why he shouldn't be standing with you right now, puffing away on one of his last few cigars. 

There are multitudes, of course, all of them eagerly buoying to the surface, and just as viable as the last. Just as concrete. But that's the thing about desire, isn't it? Reasoning is skewed. Malleable. For each con that is squashed by the claws of fatigue, a pro subsumes in its stead. They add up. The scales tip. And all at once, he's no longer oscillating between no and here's why, but how come. 

How come he can't give in, if only just once? 

But once will never be enough. He knows this. He knows it, and yet—

When John happens to glance at you from the corner of his eye, he finds you turned to him already. Watching him. 

Despite what the furious stutter in his chest at this bare appraisal would lead him to believe, this isn't anything new. 

(Neither is his reaction. The blood rushing in his ears. The hiccup of his heartbeat.)

You've always unabashedly worn your curiosity like this. Open, bare. Letting it moulder on the very ledge of a cornice for all to see when they looked into your eyes. Liquid gems, molten coins. They've always gleamed with a sense of misplaced curiosity whenever they rested on him; seemingly lost in the labyrinth of your thoughts as you tried to unravel the reef knot that is John Price. 

He supposes it's the novelty of a man washing up on shore in the middle of what's meant to be the most boring season of the year—your words, naturally. Nothing ever happens during hurricane season, you mentioned to him once. The maritime is quickly forgotten about until summer when stupid tourists head to Halifax or Peggy's Cove in droves. 

Until him, that is. 

(Until you, as well.)

But the look you grace him with right now is somehow on the precipice of being both foreign and familiar at the same time. A muddled sense of jamais vu that seems to wrap itself around his throat, pressing taut to his pulse. Mocking him. Confusing him. It's all a muddled mess of known and unknown and—

Want to know. Need to.

He knows this look. Knows it as intimately as he knows the hand he used to stroke himself, pretending it was you. Your touch. It's want. It's—

Desire. 

Intrigue. 

You stare at him—unabashedly, as always; lost in your perplexing keenness for him, for the man he is (and the one he definitely isn't)—and John sees that same, misplaced rapaciousness in the shaded valleys and unfathomably deep ravines. It's an almost visceral hunger that seems to eclipse everything else; colouring the topography of your gaze in its wake. The glittering scales of a meandering coelacanth. 

Getting caught looking at him in such a way does little to embarrass you. If anything, having his eyes meet yours seems to subsume want with need, merging the two until all that gazes back at him from that prismatic abyss is desire crushed into diamonds from the absolute pressure that leaks from the black holes in the centre. 

He's been warned before about sirens and sea monsters, but standing in front of him with the raging ocean as your backdrop, he finds he cares very little for portends after all. 

John gives you every chance to pull away, to tell him this is a mistake, that you don't feel the same way, that you couldn't possibly do this, but you ignore all of them. Every single one until his hand is around your waist, the other cupping your jaw, and your breath is on his tongue. 

You make the first move. He doesn't know why that surprises him—you have this way about you that reminds him of rogue waves: an untameable suddenness, brash in everything you do; untempered by man and their flimsy metal cups in the ocean—but when you curl your fingers into the Sherpa lapels of his jacket, and wrench him into your sphere, tidally locked in your pull, he finds himself adrift. Lost. The only thing keeping him steady is you. Your touch. 

Your lips are searing when they bite into his, bruising and all-consuming. He likes the burn of it.

It's a kiss just as much as it is a slap to the mouth. A reprimand. How dare you keep me waiting? And somewhere deep in his chest, something unfurls. Something comes loose. Wants to apologise, wants to beg forgiveness, but the words are stifled by your lips sliding against his, your fingers touching the parts of his cheeks that haven't known the feeling of another since he was twenty and grew it out as long as he could get away with it in the military. You hold him. Anchor him in place as you take, as you badger his body into yours, trying to syphon all of the air from his feeble lungs. 

He lets you, rocking with your demands the same way he would a sudden squall, his body a ship in the vast clutch of your ocean. 

The tip of your nose slots into the corner of his own when you tilt your head into the kiss, tongue sliding, liquid, molten, against the seam of his mouth. Humid breath paints the skin under his eye until it's tacky with condensation, and he wants to feel your breath on him everywhere. Wants to touch the places your breath ghosted over with bare fingers to feel the remnants of what you left behind. 

(He wants it to stain him. Leave a permanent mark for all to see. A sailor claimed by the sea, by rogue waves, and the embodiment of a pelagic calamity in the shape of you.)

His lips part just enough to let the tip of your tongue slide in, to touch his in a gentle kiss. A perfunctory greeting for what will, hopefully, become routine because he knows what you taste like now—seagrass, fennel and yew arils—and doesn't think he has the strength to let it go. A new addiction forms somewhere in the catastrophe of his hindbrain, the same place that yearns for nicotine and alcohol to blur the rugged edges of a childhood he can't quite manage to let go of. One that bled putrid blood into his adolescence, his adulthood. That makes running his first thought in the face of anything that has the capacity to heal. Or sacrifice himself for some greater good he could never really bring himself to believe in, despite the words he preached like a scratched record—we dirty our hands so theirs stays clean. A fallacy, of course, like many things in his life. A broken, fractured homunculi trying to navigate a world it wasn't made for. 

But you soothe those parts, don't you? Palliative comfort in the shape of something that has the measure to hurt, to ruin. 

—and fuck, does he want to be ruined by you—

You pull away from him as if you can taste his debauchery, his need, on your tongue and want to skewer him through the heart with it. The distance feels vacant and endless: a devastating bergschrund.   

You blink at him, eyes heavy and full of promises, of wants. The sight of your red tongue brushing over your wet bottom lip nearly makes him ascend to some spectral plane of existence where nothing but the alluring sight of you lives in his consciousness, and it's only your hushed words—raw and tempered—that reign him in. 

"Come back to my house, John."

It's not a question. He knows it in his bones. Just like he knows it could never be one—never—because doesn't have the willpower to say no. And you know this, of course. Have known it from the beginning when you peeled back the rotting layers, flaying his walls from his skin just to learn his name. 

("It's Price," he growled out, words masticating between clenched teeth. "John Price.")

He wears his want in cinder and ash. Feels the fever under his skin.  "Fuck—," he rasps, throat scorched. Brittle charcoal. The words taste like wood chips on his tongue. "What are we waitin' for then, love?"

The billowing sea breeze howls outside of your small house on the mouth of the inlet, an enchanting soundscape that seems to amplify the soft noises that spill from your lips at his touch. 

You burn like the sun bearing down on the desert of the ocean, and he feels your scorching presence between the split of his shoulder blades, liquifying the knobs of his spine until it pools in the clefts of his back. 

Boneless, broken, he loses all sense of himself as he ruts into you like a man who's never been touched before in his life—clumsy, selfish, and unpractised. Your pleasure is the equinox in the centre of his head, a reachable goal he strives for, but each shudder that leaves the column of your throat seems to shatter him into fragments. He wants, wants, wants: there's a war in his head, in his touch. Greedily, he learns your topography until it's ingrained in his marrow. Until he knows where each dip and fold, every scar and blemish, on your skin sits, waiting for the worship of his touch. 

He yields to you. Offers himself up at your altar—yours for the taking—until his sacrifice is met in seasalt and bliss. It's by this flickering dawn that spills into your bedroom window, the one that faces parallel to the sea—always there, in the corner of his eye—where his resolve is laid to rest on a bier. 

It burns on the pyre when your fingers thread through his hair, gripping tight as he falls into pieces in your arms, buried as deep inside of you as he can get. And it's here, safe in the bracket of your legs, spread wide to accommodate the staggering bulk of his body, he finds both nirvana and damnation—his own personal hell nestled in the crux of your thighs.

"Stay the night," you whisper to him, the command slurred on the tobacco that leaks from the burning tip of his cigar. 

One down, he counts; two more to go. The sight of the dwindling pack seems to notch inside his aching ribs, bruised with the cuts you made into his marrow until a scar in the shape of your name formed, seems like a portend. 

He stares at the brittle pieces of the tobacco leaves in the metal tin like they might divine the ancient wisdom of augers and the seers who gleaned hidden truths and hindsight in a teacup, but all he gets is the heady scent of nicotine for his search. 

"Mm." 

Your hands press against his naked back, feeling the taut muscles flex under your touch before they move around his midsection, fingers digging into the plush flesh of his belly—too much lobster rolls, he'd snarked when your teeth sunk into the softness put there by you; a fullness he hasn't felt since he was eighteen. You knead his skin, thumbing over the indents of your teeth, a perfect tattoo, before you hum in satisfaction, the sound of a cat eating its catch, that makes his spine thrum. 

"Good," you husk into his shoulder blade, teeth peppering nips across his sun scorched skin. "'cause I'm not done with you yet, John."

He shudders. "Fuck, love—gonna send me into an early grave."

It draws a simmering chuckle from deep within your chest. Sparking embers. The heat thrills him. 

"A lovely way to go," you murmur, hands drawing intricate webs over his torso, tangling through the coarse hair that gathers in dark swaths of brown across his body. "And I'll even give you a proper sea burial."

The thought alone strips his soul from this prison of bone and flesh. To be known so innately is a dangerous thing, he finds; so deceptively addicting, so achingly good, and he wants to run from it just as much as he wants to bask in the feeling. 

His soul is hungering for something he's never tasted before—until now, until you—and that unquenchable devotion glues to the very essence of him; a tick burrowing into his skin until it rots. 

He fucks you against the window running parallel to the sea instead. Unmaking himself in the clutch of you until your fingers thread him back into some semblance of a man with a soul made for the sea. 

(A place he wants to go with you.)

The unread tobacco leaves in bone china end up spelling out the end in a red flash on his phone. 

A voicemail is a cruel reminder of the looming deadline on the horizon. 

Fixed 'er up fer ya, b'y. She'll be ready in a night or two. Right time for lobster, too, yeah? Anyhoo, call me when you get this. 

What was once anticipatory now feels too much like being caught under a guillotine. He pretends his hands are not shaking when he calls the man back.

The man meets him by the harbour. 

"Should take 'er out," he says, wiggling a tooth pick between his teeth. "You know 'er be'er than I do. Make sure she's good t'go, ya'know?"

He hums something that might sound like an assent to unpractised ears, but the false starts in his rib cage flares up, a deep ache that rattles through the scarred brackets and leaves the seam of his mouth in a muted snarl of discontent.

Ready to go, he thinks a touch cruelly in a shorn off form of self-harm. Just to make it hurt. Just to feel it agony ripping through the gaps between his bones. 

Right. Right. 

How is he supposed to leave when he left so much of himself inside of you?

"Come with me tomorrow. Want to show you something."

"Oh, yeah?" You murmur, brows bunching together in a way that makes his teeth ache. "And what's that?"

His thumb brushes your pulse. "Mm, 'bout time you met Captain."

Newfoundland lingers in the backdrop for most of the day, rising above the waters in a rocky formation of evergreen against dark blue. 

You spend most of it leaning against the port, eyes wide in wonder at the absence of land, a mere pinprick in the vast sea, and he wonders if anyone has ever taken you out this far. Showed you something this haunting, this mesmerising. 

(Selfishly, stupidly, he hopes he's the first.)

The sea is calm. Almost eerily so, but he basks in the gentle rolls of the waves, the serene waters. It's picturesque in a way, the sight of an old postcard with a basin of pure azure and molten yellow sun, haloed in soft rings of ocean. 

As you fawn at the beauty around you, quiet in your musings, he grabs his fishing pole and sets out to catch dinner. John hasn't looked too deep into coastal fishing laws, but from your soft snort, he thinks it might just be on the side of illegal. Still. The coast guard isn't around, and he doesn't think you'll tell on him—at least not if he catches you a salmon and makes you an accomplice. 

The day dwadles, sun fading into a stunning sunset. 

He catches Atlantic Salmon, and spots a commercial lobster trawler in the distance. When he radios over, they offer a trade. Salmon for lobster. You laugh as the men toss over a cooler full of fat lobster for a wriggling salmon that nearly slips from his grasp. 

It's in this exchange—and a day on the water—that he realises just how much he missed this. This. Being on the water. Dependant on no one but his own knowledge, his foresight. Always just on the side of illegal in coastal waters. Making trades, and bartering for dinner. It's peace. Or as close of an approximation a man like him might deserve. 

A tried and true native of the land, raised on fish and crustaceans, you teach him the proper way to prepare lobster and Atlantic Salmon, sucking your teeth at his lack of spices in his threadbare cupboards. You make do, and he can't remember the last time he had something this good. 

"Just wait," you huff. "When I have a full kitchen with proper seasonings, I'll make you something even better."

There's a tightness in his chest at the prospect of next time. "Can't wait." 

It's a lie. Barefaced and ugly. 

He offers beer instead. Brings out some of his hidden whisky. 

"Not gonna be too drunk to get us back home, are you?"

Home. He is home. Has been since he kicked off from the marina, his hands curled around the leather steering wheel. The bumps of the waves against the hill. 

He wonders what you think about all of this; his kingdom at sea is nothing special. Modest, in many ways. Sometimes the toilet in the washroom leaks. He only really has warm water on Tuesdays. Something with the tides, probably. Spiders have taken a permanent refuge in the closet adjacent to the kitchenette. He thinks he might have some exotic stowaway lurking somewhere, too. A mouse of some kind, maybe, from when he was in Madagascar for a brief interlude. 

The boat is never still, always rolling with the waves. Rocking. He's grown used to the feeling of it. Much too accustomed to always moving, never being still, to ever feel any modicum of comfort on land. 

Thinking about it, about returning back to the inn tonight when the water is this serene, and the moon is this sull, pitches something ugly in his chest. Reluctance. And maybe the urge to show off. To share. 

"Want to spend the night?" 

You make a comical picture with your fingers tugging desperately on the cork of a wine bottle you found under the sink, blinking at him owlishly as you process his request, and he smothers a laugh in his chest at the sight. He knows if he lets it out he'll never look at wine or owls without thinking about you, but maybe you're already ingrained in his head. Stuck there in places he can't reach, can't scrape out. 

"What?" You ask, lightly. "Out here?"

"Why not? We're close to the Labrador Strait, too. Could drop anchor now. Head back in the morning."

"Is it—?" You stop yourself from finishing with a shake of your head, and a sheepish smile. "Nevermind. Yeah, um. Yeah, I'd—I'd really like that, actually."

Is it safe, he knows you were going to ask. The question would have made him roll his eyes, and bark out something that could have been a snort of derision or a condescending laugh. He was a bloody marine, he'd have griped. I know these waters better'n I know Liverpool.

But you didn't. You didn't ask. 

The harshness of the nevermind sounded like a self-admonishment for even asking such a thing. It's possible he's reading too much between the lines, but he likes the implicit trust that bleeds through—a touch of hesitation stifled by the immediate certainty that John will keep you safe. 

He likes the fit of it. The way it curls around his pride. 

"C'mon," he murmurs. "I'll show you around."

"It's small," he grouses, a touch uncomfortable as you patter around the bedroom that's barely bigger than a linen closet. It smells like him, he reckons. All smoke, tobacco, and stale sweat. Nothing pretty—not like your sheets that smell of fresh pine resin, or your room the scent of cornflower. 

The ship itself is considered a luxury on the ocean—old, but meticulously maintained—and its age bleeds through the panelled walls, and the clumsy decor. Built largely for dedicated seafarers, the cabin boasts two bedrooms (the captain's quarters being the largest, and the crewmates dorms still stained with rust from where the nails keeping the bunk beds in place during listing started to erode), a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a small space inside the helm that could be considered a small living room—squinting, of course, required. Still. It's home. It's—

The manifestation of his pride. His loneliness. His wants. 

(The walls are drenched in his madness. Do you see his ghosts when you look around—)

"It's cosy," you volley back, barely paying him much attention as you prod at his bare-bones; his sanctuary. He pretends the words don't stroke his ego in the perfect way. "It must be quite the sight to wake up to a sunrise on the sea." 

"Mm, it is."

It's unlike anything he'd ever seen before. A nearly endless roll of cerulean in all directions that almost blends seamlessly with the cyanic sky. Plumes of sea clouds. Birds swooping overhead. 

Often, he finds curious sea creatures coming up from the depths to investigate his boat. Pods of playful dolphins arching through the waves. A mother whale and her calf, nearly the length of his sixty-foot sailer. Rays. The occasional shark when he's fishing, lured in by the struggles and the flash of blood in the water. The feeder fish congregate beneath his boat, picking at the barnacles growing or the smaller fish gathering there for safety. It becomes its own ecosystem after a while, drawing in Remoras, various sharks, tropical fish, and barracuda. 

He mostly gets avian visitors resting on his hull. Great Albatrosses and Cormorants. The odd Pelican closer to shore. Mollymawks, Northern fulmar. 

The open ocean is a vast desert. Sometimes he goes days without seeing any signs of life. It comes with a sense of peace that is indescribable—an awe deep-rooted in his bones, one tinged with fear of the yawning abyss that rolls out in all directions as he knows, without a doubt, that he is less than a mere pinprick in the sea. Humbling. Awe-inspiring. It all coalesces into an experience he can't put into words. One that he yearns for when he's on dry land. 

One that he wants to show you. To share with you. 

A silly whim, of course. Strangers don't traverse the pelagic zone together. 

He shakes it off. Recalibrates. Tries to centre himself, and shuck the thoughts of waking up to a perpetual sunrise with you. The ochre crest of it illuminates a deep blue sea for miles and miles; bare from pollutants that seep into the aether near the coast. Lights that dim the coruscating beauty above. 

But as much as he thinks sunrises and sunsets are a thing of beauty, he knows there's something else you'll like much more. 

"C'mon," he rasps, words sticking to his dry throat. "Wanna show you somethin'."

You don't hesitate this time. "Lead the way, captain."

(And oh, how the coy honorific rumbles through his marrow.)

That something is the reason he became so addicted to the sea. It's a darkness unlike anything else he'd ever experienced before—a complete absence of light that usually pollutes the sky in the cities, one that people often think is escapable in the countryside away from bustling metropolises. 

That has nothing on the ocean after dusk. 

To describe the sensation would be pitch blackness. A black hole. Everything is swallowed up by it—complete antimatter—until the horizon and ocean merge together in an unfathomable pit of tenebrousness. It looks like spilled ink across a page, everywhere the eye turns is shrouded. Indescribable. 

When he's in an inlet, or off the coast of an inhabited island, he used to turn the floodlights of his ship off just to see what he couldn't see, and it was endless. A vacuum. Terror drenched over him in almost equal measure to the absolute awe that rolled through his chest like a tsunami. 

It was the infinite darkness of space mirrored on earth. An uncanny image. Pure nothingness.

There was more light when he closed his eyes than when he had them wide open. Phosphenes brighter than the world around him. 

A harrowing, everpresent experience that notched false starts into the parentheses of his ribs, and made him ache when he wasn't surrounded by water. 

He keeps only the navigation lights on when he leads you to the deck, and the sharp gasp he hears makes him burn, knowing exactly what you must be seeing. Feeling. 

Even at the very tip of the ocean, barely with your toes in the vast abyss, the absence of light pollution gives way to a stunning artefact in the ancient sky. Nebulae clouds. Gleaming stars. In the distance, he spots the coruscating light of Mars, visible to the naked eye. 

The moon sits in the equinox, casting out a blanket of light over the rhythmic swell of the still-black water. It paints the surface lily white. 

He stands beside you, eyes greedily taking in every flickering emotion across your awe-slacked face. Each expression categorised and filed away. A preview to the experience going inside you as you gaze up at the night sky. 

"John…" it's a hushed whisper, drenched in a reverence so thick, so palpable, he thinks he can reach out and catch the ghosts of your wonder on the tips of his fingers. "It's…"

You trail off, but he knows. He knows. 

His hand brushes yours. "Beautiful, ain't it?"

Wordless, and maybe a little bit speechless, you nod, eyes still fixed on the indistinguishable horizon as your hands slip into his. 

The stars are still caught in your eyes even after he leads you to a small sitting area with steps leading into the water. He warns you about sea lamprey and cookie cutter sharks when you try to dip your feet into the basin, laughing at the small squeak you give when you wrench your toes out of the water, drawing your knees tight to your chest. 

Sharks hunt at night, he reminds you with the same cadence as a conman. 

The sideward glance you give in response to his mirth spumes a strange effervescent feeling in the pit of his chest. Humour for the sake of it. He can easily imagine many nights like this with you, basking in the bloom of the ocean, the splashes in the distance, the steady rock of waves licking against the boat, and it's something that seems to syphon the breath from his lungs, knocking him offkilter for a moment. Skewing his perspective. 

It's odd, he finds, to be so attune with someone so fast. To connect on a level that feels deeper than what it is. It jars him as it shatters through that ironclad resolve he wore around his heart.

"Why the sea?" You ask after a moment, thumb skating through the pebbles of condensation that gathers around your bottle. 

The sight of your wet finger shouldn't be as enticing as it is, but the way you stroke the nozzle makes his stomach burn with a heat he hasn't felt in a while. It's gentle. Soft. He wonders if you'd be that tender with him—

The thought is shattered when you glance at him, eyes searching for an answer hidden in blooming blue. There's muted curiosity eked into the divot between your brow—unconsciously done—and he forces himself to turn away lest he reach out and soothe the wrinkle for you. 

(You never know how much you furrow your brow around him. Price isn't sure if that's a portend, some archaic warning of the inevitable frustration you'll feel toward when all of this is over. When the hurricane season passes, and the waters are once again chartable—

Another thing he doesn't want to think about.)

He chews on the question for a moment, making a show of reaching for the—nearly empty—carton of cigars from his breast pocket (another run to Cuba is imminent, he reasons, and tries to convince himself he's not stalling). Deft, practised fingers pull one out, rolling it between his thumb and forefinger as he measures just how much of himself he wants to give away to you. 

(All of it. Every part—)

The paper absorbs the whisky staining his lips when he skewers it between his teeth, a futile effort to keep the hollowness between his lungs and ribs from aching. He thinks about blaming the curdling weight in his stomach on the thought of a ruined cigar—soaked tobacco won't draw as good as dry—but he knows himself better than that. 

It's the suddenness of your query, maybe, but a part of him had been waiting for this very question from the onset of—this. You, him. Together. It seems to be one of those things that just comes up, doesn't it? An unavoidable collision into abject disappointment. 

In all his past flings—calling any of them relationships feels juvenile for what it was: quick, ephemeral pleasure in a foreign land, always lasting just long enough to patch up his boat; he won't disrespect the partners he had by giving it more potency than it deserved—this had been the epoch. The moment when they realised he was never really in it. That his foot was already slipping over the ledge of his boat, head full of the places he'd go next. Always alone. Without company. 

Some take it in stride. They know not to expect much in terms of commitment, or loyalty, from a man who reeks of the sea, and wobbles on land. They don't begrudge him the briefness of the affair, or the lack of a promise to write, or call, or see them again, some other time. When you pass through here next… always seems to be the sentiment at the cronis. The end of them. It never goes anywhere, but it's never finished, either—because it never really began, did it?

He rarely goes to the same place twice unless he needs to (Barbadian whisky, Cuban cigars, fish and chips in Liverpool for the holidays notwithstanding). 

And despite how many times he's been asked this very same question, usually with less clothes on, he never really has an answer. Not one that's enough. 

"Where else would I be?" He muses instead, blinking up at the indigo sky. It's an unforgiving nothingness up there, too, isn't it? "Workin' some job in an office? Military? Nah, would bore me too much. M'better off at sea."

"All alone?" You fill the gap he didn't realise he left empty. "Isn't that—"

He doesn't think he can bear to hear you say it—

"Yeah." 

—so he doesn't let you. 

His cigar tastes stale. Wet tobacco. Ashes. He draws in a deep hit on the next inhale but it curdles in his mouth, leaks poison into his bloodstream. He feels dizzy with it. Offkilter. 

When he invited you to see his ship, half of it was—admittedly—a euphemism. A thinly veiled come on. A facsimile of romance. Who wouldn't, afterall, want to drift out to the open ocean, making love—or some sad version of it—under the stars on a clear night. 

He'd take you to the spot where land was swallowed wholly by the horizon, until all you could see was the midnight blue ocean pressing down on all sides. Gentle waves rocking the ship. The stars coruscating in the indigo sky like glittering diamonds held up to the light. The murky haze of Juniper in the distance. A splash from a whale breaching the surface. 

It would have been a nice evening. He'd have drinked whisky with you—smuggled out from his secret stash of the best kind you could find in the Caribbean—and taught you how to smoke a cigar. 

You'd have laid down beneath the stars, head swimming with the buzz of alcohol. John would have leaned over you, charting the open awe in your gaze as you stared up at the heavens. 

Maybe you would have tried to ask a question, or marvel at the wonders of the world that might have only ever been seen by you. The first person to take in this view in all of history. Considering the vastitude of the ocean, it would be a real possibility. The very first. He'd give that to you. The first, the last, the only. All yours. 

In return, he'd steal a kiss. Swallowing the question from your lips with a slow, sensual roll of his tongue grazing yours. All coy and soft. Saccharine. You'd taste of whisky. He'd drink you down in several mouthfuls, unable to get enough, until you were keening into the night, begging for more. More, John, more. 

It blankets his thoughts, and the regret he feels at the loss is potent. Fragments of a good night flash before him—your fingers curling around the quilt he laid out on the deck, digging those talons into the meat of his shoulder until it breaks skin: a permanent scar. A jagged, silver meteor across milky flesh; he'd catch a glimpse in the mirror and think of you. Whisper-soft kisses. Your body opening up for him, eager and needy, calling out in a siren's song for more. 

(Who is he to deny you when you beg so prettily?)

Instead it metastasises inside of him. Malignant and pestiferous. Leaks rot into his bloodstream until all he can taste is the petrified residuum of regret, bitter and acrid. 

Some selfish part wanted something nice for himself. A respite from the eventual end careening toward him at a speed he can't avoid. 

The ruined tatters of it simmers in the air. A noxious miasma that seems to shake something inside of you loose. Maybe you see it, too. The loss. The end. The eventuality of a bitter, and quick, conclusion. 

You're quiet even as realisation darkens across your brow. Flattens the awe in your eyes with the cold douse of water to a burning flame. Clumped ash piles around a damp campfire. 

The flames were not smothered slowly, gently, like they should have been, like he wanted them to. No. No. They were snuffed out in a quick end. Brutal and unforgivable. 

And you say: "oh." 

As if you get it, but you don't. You don't because you think about forever when you look at him. It's not your fault, though—never. Because he hasn't said a word about leaving even though it stuck to his teeth, tarry and vile. A resinous stain he chews everyday, blackening his teeth until they rot. 

But he's a coward. A fool. The taste of you is sweet enough to drown out the bitterness on his tongue, and maybe he's using your kindness a bit too much—no. No. Not maybe. Certainly. Definitely. He's using the cloying taste of you as a buffer to everything weeping from the cesspit inside of his chest. 

Then: "oh."

It's almost prophetic in a way. Cyclical in its heartache. 

He wants to apologise, but he isn't sure where to start. How does he say sorry for something of this magnitude? 

He doesn't. He can't.

John lets it necrotise instead. 

"Well," you say after a moment of silence. "When are you—?"

You don't finish. Can't, maybe, and he doesn't begrudge you the inability to utter that succinct finality. Not when he doesn't think he could, either. 

So, he says, "soon."

But you ask: "how soon?"

And he's reminded, quite vividly, of packing his things in the back of his nineteen ninety-five forest green Tata Estate when he was just shy of eighteen. His dad fuming on the porch. 

You're nothing without me, he'd spat. 

He was right, of course. Despite everything he tried, the only place that ever gave him a chance was the military solely for the thinly concealed awe that leaked in whenever he uttered his last name. 

But there was freedom in leaving. In skirting around the army for a place in the Royal British Navy—separate from the shadow of his father, his grandfather, but still riding on their coattails. John quickly found sanctuary at sea. At the unignorable distance put between himself and all the terrible memories in Hereford. 

In the middle of the ocean, that bastard's shadow couldn't reach him. 

And now—

Nothing does. 

How soon, you ask, but the real question should be: how dare you. 

"Mm, a day, maybe—if the weather holds." 

And it will. He's checked the forecast meticulously. Radioed in and asked about that pesky hurricane that seemed to fizzle out without much fanfare afterall. All the answers he got were the same. Perfect window, they say, is between dawn and mid-morning. There's gonna be some heavy winds on the coast, but if you set sail early enough, you'll miss it entirely. 

"Ah," you murmur, and there's just the faintest echo of your realisation at uncovering yet another one of his half-truths. You know he'll be gone the moment he drops you off on the harbour. "Okay."

John doesn't mean to put all of this on you so quickly. Everything just spiralled, spun, until it was a big, tangled mess beneath his feet. Time a mere whisper in the wind. His absence is a glaring black hole that you can't avoid. 

It's all pithy excuses that do little to assuage the weight of everything he'd done, but you take it right on the chin like he knew you would. A sharp nod. The barest hint of a frown. 

That is the only thing you can do, isn't it? Swallow it whole and try not to choke on it because no promises have ever been uttered between him or you. Nothing to substantiate this growing, cancerous lump of emotions that feel too fast and too slow, and too—

Dangerous. Perfect.

In his silence, a crater forms again, and he's reminded how much he prefers the sea to people; gyres to love. The brittle embrace of his cabin to the warm arms of a lover. 

He was made for the ocean. Meant to sink into algae blooms, and discover reefs untouched. To battle waves bigger, more meaningful than himself, and find sustenance on crated bartletts and scored tuna. 

But—

But. 

His hands curl around your waist, pulling you back into the broad expanse of his sun warmed chest. The heat of him liquifies your spine, and you melt, readily, into him with what might be a sigh. 

It's all so quick, isn't it? And yet, he can think of nothing else except the almost perfect torture of waking up beside you each morning. Of suffusing his atoms to yours. 

"Come with me," he murmurs into your hairline, breathing in the scent of you. Loam. Pine resin. Soft and earthy. And that's what you are, aren't you? Made for the land. The earth. Gaia. Terra. Can he really take you from this place and expect you to live like him on the sea? 

You don't answer. He feels the disappointment like a searing knife to his gut, but he understands. Gets it. This isn't the sort of proposal a sane person would make to someone they've known for only a few, short months. 

He wonders if you think he's only saying it to get into your pants. He probably isn't the first—and definitely wouldn't be the last—to make a litany of false promises just to taste you on his tongue, but he means it. Means it with every fibre of his body. Captain is roomy. Has always been too big for one person—too lonely. But it's a heavy question. A big ask. One that he selfishly presses into your hands as he litters your neck with kisses sharpened with the edge of his teeth. Leaving his mark on your skin. A semi-permanent stain only he knows is there. 

It's easy to pretend this won't be the last time when he lays you out on the sheets, fingers digging into your skin as if he was trying to crawl inside of you—and maybe he is. Maybe he wants to. Maybe he could stay suffused to your ribcage for the rest of his life, waking up and falling asleep to the sound of your beating heart, and die a happy man. For once in his life, something that belongs to him that isn't shadowed by ghosts or regret. 

(Something he will never, could never, deserve.)

There's something heart achingly desperate about the way he clings to you. Folds himself over you, murmuring promises and pleas into the bruised skin of your neck. Soft murmurations easily swallowed by the sounds you make as he ruts into you at a maddening pace. All clumsy and unrefined because he refuses to let go of you. Refuses to unglue his skin from yours, his teeth from your neck. 

He's never had it like this—drenched in sweat, pinned in place over top of you like a weighted blanket; sloppy, messy—but he feels the curl of addiction setting in when he feels the hiccups you make when he pushes in just so. When your flesh dents under the tips of his fingers, and he feels your bones in his grip. Each moan, every tremble and quiver somehow magnified in the small cabin that's much too big for one person. 

John wants to take you to this reef he stumbled onto off the Azores. Wants to walk on the sandy atoll, and fuck you under the stars. The first—and only—people on earth to feel the white sand under their skin, to whisper into the inky black of night. 

You'd like it there, he thinks. This lonely, isolated patch of land just barely rising out above the ocean. Filled to the brim with tropical fish, and hammerheads. Sea turtles. Orcas chasing seals in the distance. 

He presses his lips to your hairline, and breathes life into this little picture of you on the shore, whispering promises wrapped in desperation, devotion, into your skin. 

"John," you gasp, and he's not sure if it's a reprimand—please, please, please shut up, stop talking about that because you know I can't, I can't—or a plea—take me, bring me there, please—but he doesn't stop. Can't. He's too invested in this picturesque fantasy, the same one he dreamed about when he fucked his fist to the thought of you. "John, please—"

His veins are filled with blood-red wine. A sudden potent cocktail that makes him dizzy. Drunk on the wisps of ethanol that burrow deeper into his body until it floods his atrium. 

John wants to lean into it. Relish in the white-hot heat of it all. Wants to drag you down into the sand, into the unending sea, and stay there forever, just at the cusp of where land meets water. Your own kingdom in the domain of Poseidon. Children of Phorcys. Pontus. 

You grip him tight, and he thinks like this he could pretend it's not the last time. That when your body shudders beneath him, it's not out of sorrow or finality. 

"John," you say, but he can't bear it. He kisses you instead. Drows in the taste of you until his head spins. Spins, spins—

He wakes up in a tangle of limbs. Your arm strewn across his broad chest, anchoring him to the bed below. Your head nestled in the crux of his armpit, nose pressed tight to the swell of his ribcage. Mouth open, he notes, drooling into wry curls that blanket his torso in swaths of dark umber. 

With you very much cocooned to his side, thigh trapping his pelvis down, he feels the sharp sting of claustrophobia raking talons over the bone encasing his eyes. He's buried under you—your body the soft swell of tumulus—and for a moment he nearly forgets himself. Nearly bolts from the bed, your arms. The room. Running, running—it reminds him too much of being a captive. Tied down. Restrained. Unable to move of his own free will—

But you mumble something in your sleep, the words lost to the blood rushing in his ears, and he finds the pieces of himself he'd lost. Lulled, almost to the point of complacency, by your breaths ghosting across the thick, coarse hair on his chest. Rhythmic. Calming. 

He leans into it. Buries himself deeper. 

You smell of sweat, sex. Fennel. He burrows his nose into your crown, breathes in the scent of you until his lungs burn. He wants them to scar over with just the thick scent of you. To leave a mark so deep, so permanent, that each time he inhales, all he can taste in the back of his throat is the lingering residuum of you. 

There's this earthiness to you that feels like digging his feet into sand, and he wants to slink deeper into the embrace, into you, but there's a lingering forethought in his head that he ought to get up. That this moment of brief comfort will come at a cost, with its teeth bared and wrapped around his bones, and it's a price he can't afford to pay. 

There's an almost cognitive dissonance between what his body wants, and what he needs to do. 

It takes most of his willpower to divorce himself from your clutch, but he does. Slowly. Reluctantly. With his fingers leadened with torpor. 

Regret is the feeling of cold wood under his feet. His arms relieved from the weight of you. Fix it, something inside his chest screams, but he can't. Can't. 

He doesn't look back when he leaves the small bedroom that smells of you. Not that it matters. 

In the separation, he finds he cut a little too much off from himself, leaving more of himself with you than he intended. 

John doesn't expect much. Hasn't, really, since he set sail with his compass pointed away from home, and threw each sorrowful piece of himself into the reefs he encountered along the way. 

It's the same when he gathers everything together in the morning, running through a mental checklist of what needs to be done before he sets off into the mid-Atlantic, hopeful to reach Bermuda within four, maybe five days. From there, it would be nearly fifteen days before he reached the Azores, some nine thousand and twenty nautical miles between the destinations. 

He expects the winds this time of year to be between zero to twenty three knots. Waves, at most, around four to nine metres. He can keep up with it all, he's sure, but he's feeling less inclined to make the trip solo, and thinks, as he trawls back to shore with you sleeping in the cabin still, if he might pick up a small crew in Carolina before setting off. Or maybe he'll take solitude until he heads into the Azores. He isn't sure. The only thing he is certain of is that, for the first time in years, he doesn't want to be alone at sea. 

An oddity, of course. John always wants to be alone. 

(Until you—)

The notion is tucked away into the space inside his head where all the things he doesn't want to think about go to moulder. To rot. The idea that he's more gangrenous parts than man sits idly behind his teeth, a fleeting whim, but that, too, is shoved aside. Buried. 

—like the weight of you on him. His own personal grave, a tumulus—

Another limb severed at artery. Left to bleed. To rot. He considers leaving it out, making it hurt. Salt to the wound he has no intention of healing. 

He cauterises it instead, and uses the flame to spark up his last cigar for the occasion. 

(There's nothing worth celebrating, but he thinks he's due a belated birthday gift to himself.)

The brackish waters in the inlet are muddied with loess, and he considers taking the longer arc into the harbour to avoid the sudden swelling of waves lapping at the sides of his vessel. Pure pride, of course. He's not a captain of a dirty ship—an oxymoron at best and a idling thought that takes the shape of stalling for time—but he trudges forward in spite of the twitch in his knuckles, the urge to notch his wheel just everso slightly to the right. 

It passes, and Newfoundland curves out of the waters in a splotch of green against dour grey. Another overcast morning. The inlet, he'd heard on the radio, is dense with fog trickling down from the rolling hills in the background of this rugged landscape. 

Fog on the ocean isn't rare. With a simple flip of a switch, he changes his visualisation from naked sight to sonar, and leans back on the balls of his feet, blinking restlessly into the thick plumes of smokey-white. 

The cabin door rattles when you open it—the only indicator that you're awake—and the sound sits heavy across his shoulders. A noise he thinks he could get used to hearing. 

"Give'er a shake," he calls, voice ashen, thick from sleep. He hasn't spoken a word since he radioed in to let them know he was moving down the channel. That was nearly two hours ago. 

You appear in his periphery, wrapped up in a shawl he keeps at the end of the bed. One he thinks he picked up when he was working on a shipping vessel in Pacific, just after he'd split from the navy, and was docked for a week in Taiwan because of bad weather. 

It looks good on you. The colours accentuate your features in a way that makes it difficult to focus on the black screen of the sonar, but you make it easier for him when you pad closer to where he stands, yawning around a good morning as you fic yourself to his side, reaching for him. 

You curl against him as he steers into the estuary, one arm tucked around the small of his back, and the other above his groin in a sideways hug. A small shiver wracks through your frame when the chill from the frigid waters sneaks in through the open companionway of the helm, and you burrow deeper into his side, nose nuzzling against his bicep to keep warm. The weight of you is comforting. Steady. 

It's a clumsy dance to free his arm, but he does it somehow without dislodging you in the process, and lifts his arm, steering with one hand through the maw of the Labrador Strait, before he quickly loops it around your neck, keeping you tight to his side. You fall into him in a hurry—maybe from desperation to keep the bitter cold at bay or for some strained, final moments of closeness before he leaves the docks, and you. 

The silence is heavy. A potent cocktail of shaky uncertainty admixing with all the regret he feels for not acting on his impulsive feelings sooner. It sits low, thick, in his guts, and vacillates between mocking him for what could have been weeks of satiating himself on the fill of you, and taunting him for starting this in the first place. 

Especially when he knew exactly how it was always meant to end. 

And in a rather vicious moment of cruelty, that particular ending bobs up from the brackish waters with its stark brown oak pillars cutting through the dense fog. He doesn't need sonar to see the pier in the distance. Three clicks to the west. 

His throat pinches tight at the sight of it—rather irritatingly unassuming in its lacklustre beginnings, but a garish knife to chest all the same. It constricts. He tries to swallow but can't get the weight around his neck to receed. 

He takes his hand off the wheel, scratching at the raw skin along the column of his neck. 

His jostling seems to wake you from your sleepy stare out the window. You clear your throat. He tenses. Guts wringings themselves into a frenzied coil. Don't, he wants to say. Don't speak. Don't say anything—

"Listen, Price," you start clumsily, cautiously. And despite knowing where this is going—some apology for why you can't go with him, for why you're saying no—he makes a noise to dissuade you from continuing. He gets it. He does. It's a big ask to have someone give up several months of their life to traverse the open ocean with a stranger. 

"I know. S'alright, love. I'll—" the words are bitten through when he realises where they're headed. The offer to call. Or write. Things he knows he won't ever get around to doing, but the loose attempt to placate is better than hearing whatever you might say. A selfish need to keep the silence. 

"No, listen," you stress with a huff. He hears the eye roll in your tone, and fights back a scoff at the image. "You're stubborn, you know?"

It's nothing he's never heard before but it still makes him laugh—some broken, ugly thing in the base of his throat. Clawing up his oesophagus. 

After a moment of silence, you nuzzle your cheek against his peck, pressing a soft kiss to the edge of his heart. 

"I'm not a sailor, and this is probably the craziest thing I've ever done in my whole life, but—" his heart leaps, banging against the cage of his ribs, still scarred with your name. 

"—love—"

"—I don't want to just write you. Or—or wait for a phone call. I don't want to—" 

He hears the click in your throat when you swallow. Feels the herringbone floor open up beneath his feet, plunging his aching heart into the empty maw of his stomach. Still. Through the blooming sense of hope tangling vines around his falling heart, he reaches for the water bottle on the console, wordlessly passing it to you to drink. 

You sniff, and it's an ugly, wet noise that sends a shudder through his being. A sound he could hear, happily, for the rest of his life. 

(Sappy, tragic fool—)

"How long do I have to pack?"

If he'd been a lesser man—or maybe a better one; a good one—he would have crumbled. But he's too grizzled to take his eyes off the shoreline, and maybe—just maybe—too fucking scared to. He doesn't want to look down and find this whole thing has been some horrific joke. Doesn't want to see the derision in your eyes as you ask him why you'd ever pick him, a stranger, over the sanctuary of land. Your home, even. 

But he doesn't doubt you. 

It's an odd juxtaposition, John finds, but he's always been the sort to work in strings of abstract hypocrisy, hadn't he? Implicit trust in the men around him, but not enough to ever let go of the urge so just do everything on his own. To shoulder the burdens a man like him was seemingly built to carry. 

(And made to crack under the weight of them; a thousand fissures that were small enough to go unnoticed—until Gaz grabbed him by the lapels, shoving him against an iron door just to keep him from throwing an innocent man to his death for no other reason than his notched sense of safety—but big enough to leak a caustic ugliness into the word that threatened make the men around him bonesick.)

But he isn't thinking about that right now. Or, rather, he shouldn't be—

Because he believes you. He just believes in himself less. 

So, he has to ask. Has to. "Are you sure? Hard to change your mind when you're in the middle of the bloody ocean, love." 

The exasperated huff let out into his bicep seems to be the only answer he'll get from you on that particular topic, but it's not enough. Despite the miffed squeeze you give when he pulls his arm back, resting his hand against your cheek to pull your face back far enough to peer into your eyes, you go along with his demands, soft as they are. Maybe the way his thumb brushes along the curve of your cheekbone quells the stubbornness that brims at having your choice picked apart until it was nothing but bones. All just to satisfy his own internal dilemma. 

Or a mockery of one, anyway. 

"You gotta be sure," he says, and winces when it comes out rougher than he intended. "This is a big leap. It isn't go to fuckin' Tesco's on a Sunday—"

"First of all," you mumble, eyes narrowing up at him. "We don't even have Tesco's in Canada so that comparison is useless to me. Second of all—" and suddenly, all of that bravado falters. Shakes. You glance away from him—in askance, maybe, at your stutter, at his inability to take something someone tells him at face value. 

"Love—"

There's a fire in your eyes when you turn back to him. A defiant tilt to your chin when it lifts. Sure, and firm, and a little bit proud—drenched in the same shade of stubbornness as himself—and the sight is an electrical shock to his system. A jolt to his chest. One that hangs, heavy, around the nape of his neck, the drape of his shoulders. 

"I'm sure," is all you say. 

And it's enough. Inexplicably, overwhelmingly—enough. 

"Now, how long until we set off? I just need to get some stuff in order before we leave, but I can hurry it as much as—"

It goes against every rule in the book to take his eyes off the horizon and his hands off the wheel, especially this close to shore, but he needs—he needs to touch you. To know. To feel the commitment under your skin like an electric hum. 

"However long you need, love, fuck—" his lips are on yours, stifling the rest of what he meant to say in the taste of you. "Whatever you want, whatever you need—" he makes promises he might not be able to keep, but he thinks if he could, he'd steal the stars and the moon, and let you wear them like pretty gems. 

It'll never come to fruition because all he can really give you is a boat and a broken man who is only good at sailing the seas to escape everything that might get too close. None of it seems to matter. Not to you. Never to you. Every wall he's thrown up has been meticulously chipped down, and this, he finds, is no different. 

You lean into him, heedless of the war in his mind, and breathe in deep. Inhaling the scent of stale tobacco, sex, and sour sweat. There's something facetious about the way you hum into the kiss, nails scratching along his crown, as if you're not committing nearly a year of your life to a man you watched crumble at the altar of your feet just for a sip of you. 

"I've always wanted to go to Spain."

He groans a little into the kiss. Can't help the noises that spill out when you start mapping whimsical plans into something concrete. Something tangible. 

(Permanent, if you'll let him.)

"We'll go. Spain, Portugal, Liverpool, Italy, Cuba, Jamaica, Fiji—" he names each place between a searing kiss and keeps one eye open, listed toward the horizon. He says it all in a hush, caught on the tendrils of desperation. Urgency. There's a quiver in his voice. Blood in his throat. "I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Just name it, love."

And you just smile like you know he will. That those words, caked in some amalgamation of earnestness and madness, are a promise. An oath. 

"Anywhere," he swears again, brassbound in certainty, tangled in seagrass. 

Your name scars the brackets of his breastbone. Notched into marrow. He feels it heavy in his ribs when he pulls you closer, wanting nothing more than to sink into you until your veins are filled with him. 

Anywhere, he thinks, hushed in its reverence as the levee keeping everything he let rot cracks in your hands. Always. 

YOU—

There's a certain dreariness that comes from living by the ocean, one that's often difficult to put into words or explain to someone who hasn't spent their entire youth being told, never turn your back on it. Never trust it. 

(It, of course, because somewhere along the line, the sea stops being a place, a thing, an artefact, and becomes an entity all on its own. A living, breathing manifestation with its primordial history, its own mythology, all so distinct from anything someone on land could ever dream up.)

Because despite what you might wish, the sea will never be your friend. It's incapable of distinguishing the difference between affection and malice, and shows its love by dragging you to the darkest depths imaginable until your lungs fill with its briny breath and your drops to the floor, a human-sized whalefall. 

The ocean loves you in the worst way. 

It wants to make a tomb of you. A graveyard of algae covered bones. Bloated and unrecognisable. Picked apart until nothing remains but the ghost of you treading its pool. 

In spite of this, the ocean doesn't scare you as much as it should. It's a constant in your life. Permanent. Careless guard your iron shackles. 

(And maybe it's a little bit deeper than that because you never really understood the difference between obsession, devotion, and fear when they all make you feel the same.)

And being so far out from the rest of the people who live along the very same coast—well. That, too, is hard to simplify. 

Life by an unpopular harbour isn't as busy as someone might assume. With its deadened boardwalks, gimmicky shops, and lack of personality to draw a crowd or any would-be tourists, it stagnantes. The place begins to look like a tchotchke. A painting on a faded, sunbleached postcard rather than a cohesive ecosystem. The cogs are rusted and broken, and the delineation between them and the people begins to blur. 

And maybe that's because time feels slower in this liminal space perched between the sea and the swell of a bucolic dreamland, as if it's drenched in molasses. Bound with a ball and chain. Boring simplicity, perhaps. 

Sloughing along is the most apt descriptor you think of to describe how your tarry-thick time is spent. 

Work life balance loses its meaning when you feel the same at home as you do behind a counter. Listless. Lacklustre. It's hard to find inspiration when you've been to every nook and cranny in the valley. When all secrets have been exposed thrice over, and gossip is as stale as the bread Lucy always brings to the potluck each year.

It's fine, of course. 

Work. Home. Work. Sometimes, you'll drive down to Halifax. Maybe stop at Shoppers Drug Mart and squint at the overpriced brands on the too-white walls. But something brand name at Marshalls for more than you can afford to placate that gnawing sense of unease that comes with realising your life can be summed up in three paragraphs or less. 

Age does that, you find. Because when you're stuck in a place that never changes, when the ghost of your childhood runs along the same trails you take as an adult and feels more bitter than nostalgic, growing older starts to feel like a taunt. A jeer. 

Burdened by the encompassing emptiness of time. 

Somewhere along the line—or maybe from the very beginning—you start to stagnante, too. The overwhelming, unignorable feeling of growth weighing you down forms; barnacles clinging to your skin, softening your flesh as they burrow deep, deep, until striking bone. 

You're fine, you think.

Until him. 

Until a man shows up, hiding kindness behind a surly disposition, and offers you nothing but gruff company. Terrible jokes. Cloying sweetness drenched in nicotine and dusted in ash. 

John Price makes you consider your love of the ocean in a new, tangible way. 

There have been others, of course. People before John who have offered to pull you away from this anaemic corner of the world, making promises of taking you somewhere else. Or ones who offered to stay. To join you in this dreary town. An accumulation of hydrozoan floating aimlessly down this solitary stretch of ocean. 

They've all come and gone, and your answer has remained unchanged. Fixed. No. And if you're being kind—no, thank you. 

Because, really—

When you can't tell the difference between fear and devotion, how are you supposed to know if the ocean fills you with reverence or dread?

So, you stay.  

This place might be drenched in tar, forgotten by the masses in favour of the bigger, prettier cities that share the same oceanic view, but it's home. And your roots run deep (but your shackles are even deeper). 

It's odd, too, isn't it? That home feels less like a sanctuary and more like an obligation. A pact you have to keep. So, you do. And maybe you resent this place a little bit each year, but it's easy to forget all about that when John fits inside the spaces of your ribs that you didn't know were empty to begin with. 

It's good. Good—

—but this is better:

You wake up to the sound of the naked ocean, unencumbered by the shore. It's quieter than you expected it to be, but you suppose without land to get in its way, there's little reason to roar. 

The change in noise—and sometimes, the absolute absence of any at all—is the biggest shift you have to adjust to, but four days into your journey traversing the untamable Atlantic, the sea teaches you things you didn't know about yourself. That maybe there's a certain sort of madness that comes from being so far away from anything remotely resembling land. And a lethargy that's hard to tie down into something concrete. An abstract sense of disillusion, maybe. Bone-deep torpor. 

Something, too, that feels a bit like an atavistic fear of the yawning abyss that never seems to end. It's one thing to stand on land, solid ground, and admire it from afar, or to hug the coast on a cruise ship. Seeing it like this, in all its pelagic glory, is somehow sickening in its terrifying splendour and incredible enough to snake existential dread along the curve of your fragile insides. 

There's awe, as well, but in more muted shades of tyrrhenian. 

Still. You take to the barren sea like a once captive orca who forgot what freedom tastes like beneath its curled dorsal fin. It's exhilarating. And in equal measures, a true shove against your mettle. Your resolve. There's no help so far out to sea. No one to depend on but yourself and this enigmatic man who brushes his lips across your forehead when he thinks you're asleep, and then snarls at the ocean in the morning about not having any cigars as if he knows nothing at all about tenderness. 

It's a comfort you cling to. Embrace until your fingers ache. 

John mutters something under his breath about needing sleep. Whisky. A cigar. A good fuck in a better goddamn bed—and in no particular order, he gripes when you poke his back with your index finger. 

"Thank fuck," he rasps around a cigarette—a shitty fuckin' imitation—and pinches your side when he draws you close. Payback for the jab but it just makes you giggle. "Bermuda is only nine hours away."

"Nine hours," you breathe, surprised. Nine hours. It feels inconsequential. Brief. And maybe that's because time feels different out here. Inconsequential outside of where the sun sat. The only thing that matters about it is its position, and your internal clock begins to shift, turning into a sundial. To hear a length of time outside of morning, midday, noon, afternoon, evening, and night is strange. 

John's gaze flickers over to you hiding something that feels a bit like an appraisal as those burning sapphires run over the length of your expression, catching every twitch. 

His chest rumbles under your hand after a moment. "Excited for land, then?" 

Land. You consider it—his question, and, of course, the weight of it. The way it feels. Tastes. 

It's only been a sliver into your journey, barely anything at all in comparison to the kilometres left to go, but the sea feels as comforting as it does terrifying. The darker patches of blue signifying a depth so unfathomable that you feel breathless thinking about it. About the unquantifiable pressure, some metric tonnes of atmosphere pressing down on those pretty pools of navy. 

In comparison, Captain feels fragile. Delicate. Brittle bones of wood and plastic and foam contending with the vastitude of the sea that sprawls out in every direction. On a map right now, you'd be invisible. The tip of a pen would be too wide to accurately pinpoint your exact location. That massive gap, bigger than the whole of your country, sometimes gives you nightmares. And some nights, the boat lists as it bobs with the rolling waves that never end, dipping down much too low for your mind to ever feel comfortable with. 

The terror is almost equally as present as the awe. Both one-in-the same, almost. And it reminds you of your love for the sea. Where the lines between fear and devotion blur. It doesn't surprise you, then, that some mornings you wake up with something that curls around your head, and feels like divine euphoria, and others—

You can't stop thinking about every shipwreck movie you'd ever seen, especially when you know you'd passed over the same channel the Titanic sank in, that your bare feet stood right over top of a graveyard at a depth that hurts your head a little bit to even think about. 

But—

Land. 

John said you'd be missing it in due time the first hour into your trip, when you were still buzzing with the adrenaline of cacoëthes and watched the shoreline get swallowed whole by blue. 

In fact, he'd expected it. Seemed to keep himself at a measurable distance, as if waiting for you to turn to him and command that he bring you back home. 

A silly thought, in hindsight. 

You're shackled to the sea just as much as you are to him—maybe with a bit more willingness added in. The sea feels like home in spite of the endless dreams of capsizing in the frigid waters. 

And really. 

You can't imagine being anywhere else but here. With him. 

"I'm excited to see Bermuda," you confess, nuzzling your cheek into the warm Sherpa of his jacket. "But more so because I've never been anywhere outside of my own Country. But I like this better. I like being on Captain with you. It's—"

There's a weight in your chest. One that's almost equally composited into the ashen blue of his eyes when they flicker to you, clinging to each word. Each sentiment that spills from your sun chapped lips. 

"It's home, y'know?"

John goes quiet for a moment. Far quieter than you ever expected a man like him to be capable of—someone who got road rage out in the middle of an empty sea, and screamed himself hoarse whenever he had to talk to the absolute fuckin' muppets of the coast guard or passing ships your eyes weren't good enough to see through Fata Morgana—and it almost humbles you in a strange way. Makes you consider the stunning realisation that you've only chipped the surface of his rough, wonderful, insufferable man. In that, a keen sense of wonder brims, bringing with it an insatiable curiosity. You want to strip him down to nothing but bones, and crack them open like the claws of Snow Crab, sipping from the nectar that is his marrow. His essence. You want to map him out in greater depths than you ever dream of doing to the sea. 

His fingers spasm on your hip in a strange clench and release rhythm that makes you wonder if he's holding himself back for some reason you can't ascertain, but eventually, he breaks. His hand tightens, and pulls you closer to him. You feel his nose press against your hairline. Hear the sharp inhale as he breathes you in until his chest expands under your hand. Wide and broad, and filled with the scent of you. 

"Yeah," he rasps, humid breath fluttering across your skin. "It is. For however long you want it—"

"Forever." You catch smouldering blue just before it's eclipsed by endless black. "If you'll let me."

"Fuckin'—Christ—" 

With his words mangled in his throat, they sound more like an animalistic snarl than anything that resembles something human. The force of it seems to rattle through your flesh, dredging against bone like an anchor on the muddy sea floor until it catches. 

"Forever it is, then." It's a promise. An oath. And maybe a little bit of a threat, too, in the way only John can make something so romantic sound so gruff, and when he speaks again, you smell cinder and taste the ash in the back of his throat. Sealed in charcoal and salt. 

"I guess you're stuck with me, then," you tease, smiling when he huffs in a facsimile of exasperation, but you catch the softening in the corners of his eyes, and the low purr of happiness that rumbles out from his broad chest. 

"Can think of worse places to be."

"Like London?" You quip, echoing his words, and there's something heavy in his eyes, something that blankets around the unease that never really goes away even as you acclimate to the sensation of being landless. Adrift. It's something deeper than devotion. A black hole you could fall into.

"Yeah, exactly." He murmurs. You taste salt on his tongue when he kisses you, and wonder how you could ever dream of being anywhere else that wasn't with him.

Home, you find, is where his heart beats next to yours.

#im so ready for bed after this #john price x reader #sailor price #kinda #like um ig hes retired #ish #captain john price x reader #price x reader #i set out to make this as unapolgetically maritimes as possible and failed #we have one (1) Newfie u can't understand and NO ONE at any point offers to go on a Timmies run for ice caps and double doubles #blasphemous #also ur from Nova Scotia (NOT HRM) but that really doesn't matter much tbh i just wanted the “this is supposed to be Lunenburg Lite” vibes #aka Chéticamp #but much more depressing

[cerise-on-top]

Poly!141 x Reader

Imagining being in a happy and healthy relationship with these four has worked wonders for my mental health, it's unbelievable. So naturally, I was gonna write something about this. And I will write about this again because they bring me so much joy and I adore these lads.

Once the fighting is done and they can finally relax with each other and you, no matter how brief the respite may be, you can be absolutely certain you’ll be caught between Johnny and Kyle. John is usually too busy to come cuddle immediately and Simon needs to be coaxed into the pile. It doesn’t take a lot of coercion, though. If he’s tired enough you can simply beckon him closer and he’ll wrap himself around whoever’s nearest.

John needs to be dragged away from work, though, which is a lot harder to accomplish. Fortunately, Simon is strong enough to simply pick him up and carry him to the couch. John proceeds to tell all of you that he’ll indulge you for five minutes only, but that has been a lie every single time since he has a tendency to fall asleep when surrounded by the warmth of his beloveds.

It’s fairly domestic with the four of them, actually. Sure, they can be rowdy boys who do like to fight and spar with each other, especially Kyle, Johnny and sometimes Simon, but whoever so graciously cooks that day will receive a kiss on their temple as well as Simon’s assistance. He has a sixth sense for when someone in the household needs something and helps them out however he can. He’s not such a bad cook either, he knows quite a few recipes since he’d been alone for a long time.

Kyle spent a lot of time outside the UK, so he knows quite a bit on how to prepare exotic foods from where he had been. John, too, can cook quite well, even better than Simon. Johnny, however, never really had too much time to learn and it never interested him that much either, but the few recipes he does know he can do really well. If you’re ever in the mood for baking you should call Simon, he actually has taken a liking to it.

As mentioned before, there will be some play-fighting here and there. Most of the time nothing severe happens, but sometimes someone’s ankle gets twisted or a shoulder needs to be put back in place. No one really gets mad, it just happens, but sometimes you have to chime in and tell them to stop before someone gets hurt even worse. Sometimes they listen, sometimes they keep going in secret. They have a surprising amount of energy that needs to be let out.

If they decide to take the sneaky route that day, call John. They do respect and love you, but there’s a good chance John will be more stern with them than you will. If one of you is hurt, then the others will do what they can to keep you happy. If it’s you and you’re a civilian, you can be certain they’re taking turns staying with you and checking in on you to make sure you’re okay. That’s one of the perks of dating several people: If one of you is sick or injured then someone else will always be at home to take care of you.

Game nights happen occasionally. Simon prefers card games since he’s hard to read and they don’t always rely on luck, Johnny likes board games simply because he wants to get on Simon’s nerves from time to time. It never works, but he doesn’t mind that either. Kyle is neutral about it, but will jab at whoever is losing. In the same sentence, though, he sometimes also makes fun of whoever is winning from time to time, especially if they’ve won a few rounds that night already.

John is flexible when it comes to games, he’s just happy to be there with you. Yes, you’re bickering because you’re certain Simon cheated at UNO, but there’s something pleasant about that chaos. It’s not a war he’s fighting, it’s home. It’s his partners getting riled up about something small, such as the dice getting stuck on the table’s leg and showing two numbers at once. It reminds him that that’s what he’s fighting for.

Kyle and Johnny have a tendency to be little shits from time to time. They’re not on base, they don’t need to show proper etiquette all the time and can just let go. Sometimes they’re playing hide-and-seek with one of them lying in wait for someone unassuming to walk by and scare them, other times they drag whoever is nearby along with them for a stroll to the nearest cafe or bar for a drink or two. If that person is willing, great! If they’re not they’ll simply pick them up and force them outside.

Going drinking with the two of them is fun, though. Johnny can hold his liquor really well, Kyle has learned how to do that as well. If you’re a lightweight then you’re gonna get teased to hell and back about it. It’s not impossible to get them drunk, but Johnny’s gonna take it as a challenge to outdrink you. Once either of you is wasted, you call either John or Simon to pick you up. While they may pretend to be annoyed or disappointed in you, they do think conversing with your drunk selves is fun. Kyle gets a bit less cheeky and more affectionate and Johnny gets even more bold and handsy, but nothing more than that happens. If your drunk self is also more on the affectionate side then you’re gonna get cuddled and kissed like there’s no tomorrow.

If the five of you are proud owners of a house then you’ll find Simon getting into gardening at some point. He bought a house plant at one point because he heard taking care of one is good for your health, and so it started out with a small aloe vera branch he was able to get from an acquaintance. Watching the little plant grow brought him immense joy, so he opted for another one. A few seasons later he started his own mini garden in his backyard, planting watermelons, paprikas, tomatoes, anything that would grow. He trims the apple tree, he harvests the fruit and asks you to bake an apple pie with him.

John gets wind of that and is very proud of Simon for having such a relaxing hobby, helping out whenever he can. If Simon ever gets sick then either you or John are the ones to take care of the plants. Kyle can keep a cactus alive for some time if he tries real hard, Johnny has drowned two cacti already. Simon revoked his plant rights for that one. The plants have names, but only Simon knows them and he won’t tell anyone. The very first few he ever got are named after you, John, Kyle and Johnny.

Even off-duty, John can be rather strict at times. He means well, though. His soldiers are disciplined, most of the time, at least, but sometimes they can act a bit inappropriately, be a bit too energetic when he wants to take a nap. So, sometimes punishment is in order. It’s nothing bad, though. Someone is put on dishwashing duty, maybe having to clean out the basement in general. Small tasks that need doing anyway. He can be a bit more rough if he wants to, but that’s usually mellowed out a bit by him using a soft and kind voice.

It’s rare for either of you to stand up against him because he’s pretty much always in the right, but if you do he’s willing to hear you out. He still has an air of authority around him from time to time, so if some of you are able to change his mind he won’t hold it against you. John is well aware that miscommunication causes a lot of problems, so he will always hear you out, no matter what it is. This goes for other things as well. Had a rough day? Wanna tell someone about the cute stray you saw? He’s the last person to shoo you. In fact, it makes him happy when you tell him those things, it shows him that he’s trustworthy in your eyes and such a thing is worth more than the world’s gold reserves to him.

Johnny adores having an exercise partner, it doesn't matter whether you’re jogging in the morning or straight up lifting weights at the gym. If he can, he'll always drag one of you along, there’s no specific schedule to which one it is either. Normally he asks Kyle since he also goes to the gym from time to time and, being as competitive as they are, they motivate each other quite well to try and raise their limits. If you don’t exercise, for whatever reason, Johnny will try to get you to start doing it. You don’t have to run five kilometers straight, you don’t have to cycle for an hour, but even the smallest of steps would make him incredibly happy. You’re trying, that’s all that matters.

He’s very supportive as well but won’t go overboard. As soon as you get dizzy or your arms or legs get wobbly you will take a break. But no matter what, he’ll always reward you for doing so well. You’ll get a kiss, a hug, a piece of fruit, whatever small thing you want. Always reassures you that you’re not dragging him down either. Yes, he could most definitely run a marathon if he wanted to, but you can’t and that’s okay. Baby steps, you’ll get there eventually. Has a schedule for which exercises he does when. Even if he simply gets to stretch with you in the morning he’s more than happy to take that chance. Might make an inappropriate comment or two during yoga the first few times, though. But you’re dating, so he doesn’t mean anything bad by it. Tell him to tone it down and he will.

Kyle is the type of guy, who, in order to unwind, plays extremely stressful games. Bloodborne, Elden Ring, Sekiro. And yes, he does start swearing up a storm when he’s frustrated enough. Will refuse any and all affection until he’s beaten the boss as well. You can get him to play more relaxing games with you as well, though. Give him a Pokemon game and you’ll find him having caught each and every single one of them at some point. Because he’s a smart cookie he can probably recite some of the Pokedex entries as well. But his favorite games are still the darker games.

Won’t shy away from something along the lines of Team Fortress 2 or Portal either. In fact, he’s probably the one to make the suggestion of playing those games together. Sometimes Simon and you watch him play, with Simon giving him pointers if he’s having a hard time. Naturally, Kyle snaps back from time to time and dares Simon to beat the boss since he’s so smart. Despite being no gamer whatsoever, after a few tries, usually three to four so he can learn the game mechanics and the controls, Simon is able to beat almost any boss, as long as it’s not a rhythm game. Kyle is stumped every time, but you don’t dare to make a sound in case he makes you play next. Is grateful anyway, but a bit embarrassed because what was the last game Simon even played properly? Super Mario World? That was more than 20 years ago.

#cod #cod x reader #poly!141 #poly!141 x reader #john price x reader #price x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #ghost x reader #kyle gaz garrick x reader #gaz x reader #john soap mactavish x reader #soap x reader

[sidekick-hero]

(steddie | teen | 1.2k | tags: rockstar!eddie, drummer!steve, secret relationship, part of @thefreakandthehair and @firefly-party and mine project pickup note | @steddielovemonth prompt love is staying in bed for five extra minutes because you can't tear yourself away from them just yet by @starryeyedjanai | art by Kei | story in the same verse by Lex | AO3)

Steve came to slowly, like swimming through molasses, his mind caught somewhere between dreaming and being awake. In his dream, he had been lying in the sun, his head cushioned in Eddie's lap, Eddie's fingers running through his hair, humming a soft melody Steve had never heard before.

Slowly, the melody changes to the sound of soft snoring, and the soft thing under his head isn't Eddie's lap, it's his chest, gently rising and falling with each snore. Steve presses his smile into the warm skin beneath him at the thought of Eddie's face when he tells him he snores.

Some things are worth waiting for, though, and he knows the perfect moment to reveal this particular piece of information will come.

He has no idea what time it is. Judging by the morning light filtering into the room, it's just after sunrise, the sun's rays piercing through the blinds and casting a warm, golden glow that gradually fills Steve's hotel room.

Moving as carefully as he can, he cranes his neck to check the aged alarm clock on the bedside table. It tells him that he was right, it's 7:58 a.m., and the sun has risen just minutes before him. The light filtering in is soft and diffused, making the colors seem muted yet rich, with shades of pale orange, pink, and yellow dancing across the surfaces. Long shadows stretch out elegantly, accentuating the contours of furniture and objects in the room.

It's Steve's favorite time of day. There's a sense of quiet serenity in this early morning moment as the world slowly awakens. It offers a brief respite before the hustle and bustle of the day begins.

These days, early mornings hold an even more special place in his heart because it's the only time of day he can just look at Eddie.

Sometimes Steve thinks Eddie is like a hummingbird, always moving until all his energy is used up and he falls into a deep slumber that almost looks like he's dead to the world. It allows Steve to soak him up undisturbed and unabashed. His fingers carefully exploring the hills and valleys of hard muscle and soft flesh, he can drink in the swirling ink on Eddie's pale skin.

It's such a stark contrast from the rest of the day.

Eddie often seems driven. By the perceived expectations of others, by his own fears of falling short. By his own demons, which Steve has only glimpsed. But as the darkness of the night gives way to a new day, Eddie looks at ease.

It's probably too soon to think, but Steve hopes it's because he's now sharing Eddie's bed. That Eddie feels safe with him, safe enough to let go of all the things that plague his beautiful but sometimes overwhelmingly loud mind.

That's why it pains Steve to be the one to wake Eddie from his peaceful slumber and bring him back to reality. But they have a sound check at 9:15 because the venue has had some problems lately and they need to make sure everything goes off without a hitch tonight. This whole tour means too much to them, to Eddie, for it not to be perfect.

Pressing a gentle kiss just above where Steve can feel the steady beating of Eddie's heart, he softly calls Eddie's name. Not surprisingly, nothing happens, so another kiss follows the first, this time on Eddie's collarbone.

"Eddie, c'mon," he tries again, this time closer to Eddie's ear, eliciting a soft murmur. "We have to get up, the soundcheck -"

"Mm, they can check the sound without us," his - Eddie's - voice comes in a slightly drawn out tone. "Don't wanna get up."

Eddie, obviously not fully awake yet, wraps his arms around Steve and buries his face in Steve's hair.

"I know, ba-" Steve stumbles over the pet names that want to come out more and more now that they're so much closer than when he first started touring with Corroded Coffin. "I know. But we can grab a big coffee with enough sugar in it to put an elephant into a sugar coma, and when the check is done, we can come back to the hotel and sneak into your room and I can make it worth your while."

Steve's tone is low, almost a purr, as he says this. The others don't know about them yet, although Steve thinks that at least Robin and Chrissy have their suspicions. And Jeff has been watching them more closely as well. He's sure that they'll tell them soon, but first they want to enjoy getting to know each other this way, without their friends getting involved.

"Five more minutes and I will make it worth your while. Whaddya say, big boy?"

Before Steve can answer, most likely telling Eddie no, we're going to be late and how are you going to explain that to the others, Eddie rolls them both over until Steve lands on his back with a soft umph. Above him, Eddie is smiling down at him, suddenly much more awake than seconds before.

"Hi," he says, nudging Steve's nose with his own.

Steve doesn't even try to fight the dopey smile, even as he rolls his eyes at Eddie trying to get what he wants by playing dirty. It's so Eddie, just like the wolfish grin on his face.

"I'll make this the best five minutes of your life, Harrington. Scout's honor."

Steve snorts. "Scout's honor? I doubt you ever talked to a scout in your life."

"Oh yeah. In fact, I'm sleeping with one. And I'm about to kiss one before I rock his world."

"See, that's where you're wrong."

"Is that so?"

This makes Steve laugh out loud. "You're ridiculous."

"And you love it," Eddie replies, then hesitates as his choice of words seems to register with him.

Before the moment between them ends in awkwardness, Steve leans in to kiss Eddie on the nose. "How did you know I was a Boy Scout?"

Steve's distraction works, and the worry in Eddie's eyes is replaced by mischief. "Just a guess, but good to know."

"Ass."

"I have it on good authority that you like my ass," Eddie teases, and Steve has to agree. He really does. As much as he likes everything else about Eddie. How much is becoming a problem.

Instead of saying any of these things, Steve looks over at the alarm clock, which now reads 08:04. He clicks his tongue in mock disappointment. "I think your five minutes are up, and I have to say, not the world-rocking I was expecting, Munson."

"Oh you..." Eddie growls before swooping in to capture Steve's lips in a deep kiss. It turns into another, and another, the dim light in the room growing brighter around them as they become lost in each other.

Eddie makes it to sound check just in time, while Steve is ten minutes late, carrying five cups of coffee. He hopes no one notices the bright grin Eddie flashes with the first sip of his overtly sweet coffee, or the wink he gives Steve.

A promise is a promise, and Steve intends to keep them all when it comes to Eddie.

#steddie #steddie fanfiction #rockstar eddie munson #drummer steve harrington #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things fanfiction #steddielovemonth #day 16 #love is staying in bed for five extra minutes because you can't tear yourself away from them just yet #my writing #pickup note

[softlyspector]

Out of the desert

Summary: You need to get out of town, and the bounty hunter that sometimes passes through is willing to help you escape. He'd do anything for you, but you don't know that yet. As you journey together, you realize you have more in common than you thought. Western!au

Pairing: cowboy!ace!Din Djarin x ace!Reader

Word Count: ~13.4k

Warnings: western!au, pining, very protective din, absolute FOOLS in love, old fashioned social norms (this fic borrows from a lot of things, so it is not a typical western au or social norms), mentions of previous relationships, nonthreatening injuries, playing fast and loose with adapting mando lore

A/N: I'm happy to finally be able to share this with y'all. It's very special to me. Please let me know what you think and thank you for reading and being so patient.

The setting sun looks like violence on the horizon, blood red tendrils of light spearing across the dust ridden desert. 

It chokes the air, settles in a fine mist over everything. 

You watch the particles float for a moment, your back to the empty apothecary behind you. 

Travelers are settling in for the night, horses tied to the banister outside. Most are single men passing through looking for work. You tilt your head and watch them shelter in the tavern across the road, the one you’ve had your eye on for the last hour or so. 

You're waiting for the Mandalorian to emerge.

The orange light of the sun hurts your eyes, but you don’t look away. 

Still, seeing them pass through, knowing they could leave, that they probably had people waiting on them, makes your heart ache with loneliness and you have to remind yourself that this is what you chose, this life, this town.

You’re content here, even if you’re so lonely your chest feels like an empty cavern most days, echoing back your own lonesome wails. 

You’re safer here, for now, even if no one cares for you. 

Only the sheriff looked out for you, and he didn’t so much as care for you as covet you. His attention is a constant reminder that you do not belong, and that one day his patience with you would wear thin and the town would no longer be the safe haven it currently is. 

You should be grateful for the safety the town provided to you, even if it's a brief respite. 

Still, you would like to belong somewhere, to someone. 

That a lump forms in the back of your throat at the thought means nothing. You don’t take your eyes off the door of the tavern across the road.

The sun settles lower in the sky, sinking slowly beyond the horizon. The flush of dusk makes everything look more beautiful, a sky coated in midnight hues instead of the painful blinding sun of the day reflecting off parched earth. Stars are already appearing on the horizon. 

You should just close up for the night, but you know the Mandalorian is across the street. And you won’t get a chance to talk to him alone if you go over now. You need him to come to you, to the quiet little store away from the prying eyes of the tavern’s patrons. 

His people, the Mandalorians, are famed bounty hunters, or cultists, depending on who you asked. You’d seen him come down the street with a bounty, watched him tie up his horse before he disappeared inside. 

Crest is in front of the apothecary, so you know he hasn’t left yet, that you haven’t missed him. 

The Mandalorian’s horse is a beautiful silver gray and speckled with black, as though someone had flicked a paintbrush at her. She’s incredibly intelligent and seems to meet your eyes through the glass, like she knows you’re there and waiting for her owner. She isn’t tied to the post, though he never seems to be worried about her wandering off. 

Everyone in town knows the Mandalorian’s horse. She’s still saddled, his pack rolled on her back. 

They know, too, that you keep an eye out for him, on his things and his horse. They’re wary of you, whispering wild rumors to each other when they think you can’t hear - about how you’d come to the town, that you killed your husband, that you were a witch. 

Your vigilance is unnecessary, really. The townspeople might be wary of you but the Mandalorian terrified them.

When the dark settles in fully, you sigh and unlatch the front door. Crest nuzzles her nose against your hand when you step down to her. The air is still warm from the day’s heat. The sun ripened smell of hot earth hangs in the air, the scent of desert flowers beneath sweetening it.

It’s a clean scent, and a comforting one. 

“He’s taking longer than usual,” you tell Crest when she snorts at you. “Turning in a quarry? You must be heading west again.” 

You’d only been in town a little over a week the first time you saw the Mandalorian. You had just been hired by the pharmacist for your knowledge of herbs, which only added to your reputation as a witch. 

The woman next door had been holding you hostage on the front steps that day, trying to understand where you came from, who you were. She’d stopped talking and glanced at the lone man riding slowly down the center of the street, a body lashed down to his horse’s flank. 

Intimidating didn’t even begin to describe him. 

Hat pulled down low over his eyes, bandana tucked over his nose, you hadn’t really been able to make out his face, just the faint wisps of dark brown hair curling by his ears and the sweat shined cut of golden skin of his throat. “Get inside,” the woman had advised, starting to turn towards her own door.

“Wait,” you’d said. “Why? Who is that?” 

“Don’t you know a Mandalorian when you see one?” She’d asked with a sneer. “Sheriff didn’t think to tell you about that cult that lives up in the mountains?” You’d started to open your mouth, “Go on and get inside. He’s a mercenary and bounty hunter. He’s bad news.” 

She’d slammed the door without another word. 

You hadn’t gone inside, just watched him come down the road, chin lifted. 

He hadn’t paid you any mind. The Mandalorian just calmly dismounted his horse, and took the bounty inside the tavern to the sheriff, who regularly drank himself sick there. 

It had only been later when you were closing up the shop that you spoke to him. He was standing out front with his gloves off. His knuckles had been bloody, his skin purple with bruising. 

“You got bandages for that?” 

He’d slowly looked up at you, eyes still obscured, face still mostly covered. “No.”

“Well, c’mon in and I’ll get you some.” 

There had been a pause long enough that you’d started to doubt if you should have bothered, when he answered. “I’m not usually welcome.” 

“You are today. The good doctor isn’t here,” you’d jerked your head toward the door with a roll of your eyes. “C’mon in.”

Since then, the Mandalorian has become something like a deterrent to the townsfolk that found you odd. You were still an outsider, but now one with a powerful guard dog. 

The Mandalorian had taken to you easily that day. He had listened to you talk, offered surprisingly kind, if short responses. He hadn’t fussed too much when you insisted on bandaging his hand for him. 

And after that day, he made a point of seeking you out every time he was in town. 

He’s kind to you, even if he’s quiet and a little gruff. Even if you don’t know his name, and his face remains perpetually shrouded in shadow. He always makes time to sit with you for a while, and even if it was because he pitied you a little, you don’t mind. He listens to you, and, once, he’d even brought you a gift - a white and blue western patterned cowl that now perpetually rests around your neck. “Keeps the sun off,” had been the only thing he said about it. It was similar to his own, different in coloring and pattern. 

You suspect it means something to him, that gift, something important to him or his people. But you wouldn’t know, no one knows anything about the Mandalorians. 

He’s never made you uncomfortable. He’s never tried to come onto you, which you couldn’t say for the rest of those that frequented the tavern across the road. He should intimidate you - a strange man with a dangerous job and no ties.

The town gossiped, but you tried not to put stock in anything they said, since they whispered the same kinds of things about you as they did about him. 

You glance up from Crest’s nose now to see the Mandalorian in question step out onto the front step of the tavern, the sheriff just behind him. 

His wide brimmed hat sits low over his eyes, the rest of his face obscured by the bandana he always wears over his face. His button up shirt and vest are obscured by the long coat he wears, the barrel of his rifle poking over his left shoulder. 

“Are you sure?” The sheriff steps up next to him, their voices carrying much too easily across the road to you. You glance down, not sure if you want them to know you can hear them. You watch them from the corner of your eye, careful not to turn your head. “Sure we can’t interest you in any of the…services here? On the house, of course, as a sign of our continued gratitude.” 

His voice carries a sarcastic edge. He knows the Mandalorian would never accept the kind of thing he’s offering. 

Mando doesn’t so much as turn his head. You reach for the Crest’s brush in one of the saddlebags. “If not for women…men?” The Mandalorian still doesn’t speak. “We got all types of folks around here, y’know.” 

“I’m not interested.” He steps neatly away when the other man attempts to lay a hand against his shoulder. 

“At least stay the night,” he insists. “It’s dangerous here and out there alone,” he nods at the open plains beyond the town’s perimeter. “After dark.” 

You can’t help feel those words are meant for you, that he knows you can hear, a reminder that you’re stuck and alone. 

Mando finally turns his head, but doesn't say anything for a long moment. The silence stretches until it's uncomfortable. “No,” he repeats, his voice low and rough as it always is. 

“C’mon now, Mando. I know you’re crazy about that creed of yours, but you can have a little fun.” He puts his hands on his belt and raises an eyebrow, the wooden planks creaking beneath his feet as he shifts. 

The Mandalorian’s shoulders rise and tense, the first real sign of his irritation, when the sheriff continues, “Maybe I can offer you somethin’ - someone you really want. What about that one there?” Even without looking you know the sheriff is pointing straight at you. “I know you’ve taken a special liking to her and all. Well, I have too, but…she’s playing a little hard to get y’know? She-,” 

“No.” 

His voice is stern, this time, hard. 

He steps down the tavern’s front steps to the cracked earth below without another word. 

“Fuckin’ Mandos,” you hear the sheriff mutter. 

You tuck Crest’s brush back into the saddlebag as Mando approaches. The words unsettle you, a shake twisting inside your chest, the walls of your safe place closing in again. You weren’t long for this town now, not with claims like those made out in the open. 

“Headin’ west again?” You ask lightly, like your nerves are knotted in the pit of your stomach, like you weren’t just offered up like someone’s leftovers. 

He nods, his voice low and gentle as it always is with you. Different, you’ve noted, to how he speaks to most anyone else. “I need some supplies.” He steps close to you and glances over his shoulder, blocking your body from the view of the tavern. 

“Of course,” you say, swiping your hands along your trousers. “C’mon then, Mando,” you jerk your head in the direction of the apothecary. 

He follows and you hold the door open for him before flicking on the gas lights. They come on with pop and then glow low and yellow.

The shop is rather homely, worn dark wooden cabinets lined with jars take up most of the wall space. The scent of the shop reminds you of the forests where you grew up near, earthy with the smell of healing herbs. 

The Mandalorian takes up too much room in the small shop, large and imposing as he shifts on the wooden floorboards, hands on his belt buckle. 

Usually, when he comes in for supplies, he takes up residence in the chair in the corner of the shop and keeps you company for a while. Normally you talk about the goings on in the town and the characters that came through. Sometimes he’d tell you about the bounty he just hauled in, or his travels. Usually he would talk about his son, a rambunctious, sweet child from how he spoke of him. He never mentions having a partner, and so you assume the child must be from a relationship he was no longer in. 

“What do you need?” 

“Just the basics.” 

You nod and move behind the counter to get to work when he says your name. 

When you turn back with a jar in your hand, you find the Mandalorian without his hat on for the very first time. It’s clutched in his hands in front of him. His eyes are a deep shade of brown, shadowed and wide and sad. Your eyes dart over him, and you wonder not for the first time what he looked like without the bandana that covers his face. 

He repeats your name and then asks tentatively, “Are you okay?” 

“I’m…fine,” you answer as confusion washes through you. “Why?” 

“The way the sheriff speaks about you-,”

You shake your head and interrupt, “I heard him. You’re very kind to worry, but I’m fine.”

You aren’t, but what else could you say? The sheriff had made it known in the last few weeks that you belonged to him, and that your freedom depended entirely on your willingness to comply. 

It had gotten worse the last couple of weeks, because he’d come to the belief that the Mandalorian wanted you too. He didn’t like that you were friends, that Mando was oddly protective of you. 

His words had been harsh. You think he’s your friend, but he wants the same thing any man does. 

The words were nothing but a reminder of how broken you are. 

Mando doesn’t look away from you, his head tilting to the side. Your blood thrums beneath your skin, drumming along the inside of your veins. “He talks about things he doesn’t understand,” he says. “And you didn’t hear everything. You don’t know what he means to do. He means to marry you. And if you refuse, you won’t have a place here anymore.” 

“Mando-,” you begin. 

“He already thinks he owns you,” he continues over you. “He thinks you need tamed. He thinks your choices are just rebelliousness.” His voice is low, dangerous, brows tugged down over his eyes. He’s angry, you realize. “You heard him. He…offered you to me. It doesn’t matter to him if you say yes or no.” 

You cross your arms over your chest, and cock your head to the side. “You think I don’t know that?” 

He straightens, brows lifting in surprise. “What?” 

You sink slowly onto the pharmacist’s stool behind the counter. 

“You’re right,” you say. “To him, I am no longer a novelty that needs to be broken, but a nuisance that needs to be reminded of my place.” You shake your head, “But I don’t have anywhere to go. I have no family and hardly any money. Everything I had, I used to come here. Besides, I came from the east, and I don’t know how to survive the desert. I am out of options.” 

The Mandalorian doesn’t respond right away. When you look up, you aren’t quite able to meet his eyes, not used to seeing them. There’s something deeply hurt in his gaze, a sadness you can’t name. “No harm will come to you,” he promises, a dangerous edge in his voice. “I can take you west.” 

You stiffen and slowly glance up at him. His words wriggle in your mind, slither coldly down your back. First you escaped your husband, now you have to escape the sheriff, to…what? One day have to escape the Mandalorian? You’ve learned better than to trust. 

The sheriff’s words echo in the back of your mind. He wants the same thing any man does. 

And how long until he demands that from you? How long until he wants something from you in return for all his kindness? 

Still, the Mandalorian has never made you feel unsafe, he’s never made you feel uncomfortable.

And he might be your only chance to leave. 

You close your eyes, and slip a hand into your pocket to grip the knife you keep there, just to feel a bit stronger. It was only a matter of time before you had to leave, you knew that. 

The Mandalorian is a safer choice then remaining in the town. You trust him more than the sheriff at least. He’s your friend, but-

You shake your head and meet his eyes. “I already told you, Mando, I hardly have any money. I can’t pay you to take me west. And I have nothing else I can offer you,” you emphasize, gritting your teeth. “Nothing, understand? I have nothing else to offer you.”

He seems to understand. 

Mando steps forward and leans his forearms against the counter. “I am not asking to be paid. And I would not ask you for anything else.” He holds your eyes for a long moment before straightening and putting his hat back on his head. “But we have to leave now.” 

If you waited it might be several weeks until Mando returned, and by then it might be too late.  

You nod curtly and stand, gathering the things he’d ask for. “Go on and take it,” you push the supplies across the counter. 

He takes the supplies you set on the counter for him.

“He’s gonna have eyes over here. I was supposed to close up nearly an hour ago.” You glance up at him. “He’ll know.” 

“I can handle it.” He tilts his head, “Do you trust me?” 

You hesitate, you’ve learned better than to trust anyone, but you’ve already decided to throw your lot in with his. “I don’t really have a choice, do I?” 

When the Mandalorian steps outside the apothecary, you know he’s being watched. Behind him, you click the lock into place in the door and turn off the gas lights. He descends the steps and tucks the supplies into the saddlebags. 

A few men stand in clusters on the other side of the road, coats pinned back with hands on their hips, the shine of the revolvers they carry visible even in the dark. The orange glow of their cigars burn bright in the darkness. 

“Heading out of town, Mando?” The sheriff calls. 

He nods without answering. 

“Won’t be back for a while, I reckon? Shame you can’t stay, there’s a wedding tomorrow.”

You jolt at the words. 

Mando saddles his pack and glances surreptitiously up at you, his head dips forward slightly. You nod, knowing the men across the street can’t see you in the window with the lights off, and move away from the door. 

He would tell them that you were finishing a draught for one of the neighbors, someone who came to the back door. You don’t have a pack, but you have so few possessions it doesn’t matter. You grab your journal and stuff your hat on your head before slinging your long overcoat over your arm, sweeping tinctures at random into your pockets. 

You leave the key behind, and don’t bother to lock the back door. 

You can think of few things worse than being married. Again. And especially to a man like the sheriff. 

The street behind the apothecary is silent and still. It’s almost too easy to sneak past darkened doorways and empty alleys. Still, you keep your head bent to conceal your face, and move quickly. The red dust of the place swirls around your ankles, coating your boots in a fine mist. 

You wonder if this is wise, to go with the Mandalorian. He’s quiet and kind but that meant nothing, really. With the sheriff, you at least know what kind of monster he is. You aren’t sure what’s worse, to be left with a monster or to be surprised by one. 

Something about Mando tells you he’s not that way, even gruff and dangerous, he isn’t dishonorable. 

You hear a few gunshots as you hurry along, anxiety biting at your lungs. 

When you turn a corner a few minutes later he’s waiting exactly where he said he’d be. Crest snorts when she sees you and Mando reaches a hand down to pull you up. You settle behind him on the saddle, and he lets you shift until you’re comfortable. “They’re coming.” 

“Then let’s go.” 

He nudges Crest into a trott and then a gallop, and you hope you never see that town again. 

The sun is just peaking over the horizon behind him, threads of purple dawn coloring the sky, when the Mandalorian feels you shifting against his back. You’d fallen asleep a few hours into the journey when he’d slowed Crest out of a trot, your cheek pressed to his spine as you snored lightly. 

He’s given you a good head start, if the sheriff decided to follow. He’d have to take care of his wounded first before he could. 

The Mandalorian means to move quickly, to keep both of you safe. 

There’s an ache in his back from the position you’re in against him but he wouldn’t dare disturb you. You’re sleeping so peacefully and your weight against him is nice, warm. 

Din is trying to swallow the turbulent emotions swirling inside him. He cares for you, and the fear that curls around the base of his spine at the prospect of you being married to that man, is anything but friendly. It makes his chest feel tight, the weight of feelings he harbors for you crushing. 

He’ll never tell you, because he’s already learned that caring for someone isn’t enough. He wasn’t enough to settle for, he’s learned that lesson. 

To hear from the sheriff the way you’d arrived in that town, desolate and desperate. How he’d taken you in and provided for you, not because you needed help, not because you were in danger, but because you were estranged from your husband, and thought it only a matter of time before you broke and went looking for a new one - it had incensed him. 

The sheriff had assumed it would happen quickly. But you’d settled into a routine, a quiet, lonely little life in the town, seeming to enjoy your independence and solitude. 

Well, aside from Din. 

You were alone aside from him. He’s your friend, but more than that, he’s your protector. 

Sure, there was only so long the sheriff could put up with something like that. Your kind were supposed to need help, were supposed to need someone. But you didn’t seem to. And that grated on the sheriff. 

He might have already acted, if it weren’t for Din. If it weren’t for him taking a liking to you, if it weren’t for the two of you becoming friends.  

Crest trots along at an easy pace, and Din sets his sights on a copse of trees up ahead that he often stops at to rest. There’s a creek nearby too, for water and washing. 

“Hey, Mando,” you mumble against his back. Your voice is soft and fuzzed with sleep. “I’m gettin’ pretty sore. You mind if we stop for a bit? Or I can walk along if we need to keep moving.” 

Like he’d let you walk. 

He gestures to the trees. “We’ll be stopping there.” 

“Okay,” you agree, your hands lightly gripping into the fabric of his coat. 

Din doesn’t reply, patting Crest’s neck instead. The purple on the horizon quickly bleeds into a parched yellow, and then the spear of a blue that only ever came with early morning, clashing with the burnt orange of the earth, the sand yellowed grasses and pale cacti and desert blooms. 

“It’s pretty out here,” you comment, hands tightening on his sides when you lean around him. “Prettier than that town.” 

He glances out over the landscape, parched, cracked earth, dotted with sporadic clumps of trees that eventually fell away to nothing but the orange of the open desert. Gold poppies and desert lilies make homes next to cacti and tumble weed and desert grass. 

It’s an okay view, but he prefers the mountains. He prefers green.

“Yes,” he agrees with you anyways. It’s beautiful, even if he doesn’t prefer it. 

When Crest comes to a halt beneath the trees, the sun has risen far beyond the horizon. It drips from the sky, swollen and lazy with midday heat. Din dismounts carefully before offering you a hand down. 

You aren’t used to riding, as he is, and you stumble a bit. 

He catches you, steadies you with a hand on your waist before he releases you. The warm press of your hands against his forearms disappears, and the weight of the loss leaves him hollow. 

You don’t seem to notice that he can’t stop himself from drinking you in. There’s a certain beauty in the cut of your features. 

You duck quickly away from him before he gets the chance to fully admire you, stretching your legs and adjusting the hat on your head until he can no longer see your eyes. 

He wonders how long you thought it could go on. There was no way you would have been able to keep on living like that in the town. You hadn’t seemed surprised, just resigned and tired, like you hadn’t really believed you could find a place to just be. 

“We should rest. For a while.” 

“How far along is the next town?” You ask, tipping your chin up to him, hands fisted on your hips. You’d put on your longcoat, but you have the sleeves pushed up, your forearms exposed to the sunlight. He tries not to look at the glow of your skin in the light. “If it’s somewhere I can walk, you can just let me go here. I’ve been enough trouble and I can figure it out.” 

Din doesn’t respond and you knock back the brim of your hat with one finger to better see him. “We should rest here. Travel when the sun gets low again.” 

You lift a brow. “So it's far?” 

“What?” 

“The next town?” 

“Yes.” 

He’s lying. Kind of. 

You could probably walk to the next town, but it’d be a long one and dangerous. 

He isn’t planning to take you to that one anyways. It’s much too close to the one you’d just left, it would be too easy to find you there. 

And he isn’t quite ready to part with you. 

Neither of you will be able to return to the town you’d just left, and he’d like to be sure you’re safe wherever you end up settling.

You nod slowly. “Okay, Mando.” You turn and lead Crest down to the water to drink. “Go on and rest. I slept enough.”

He shifts from foot to foot for a moment before turning to the copse of trees. 

Din settles himself on the ground and leans back against the trunk, tipping his hat over his face. He trusts you enough to let himself sleep. 

You let Mando sleep for a couple of hours. 

His breathing is deep and even. You watch the rise and fall of his chest from where you sit on a log, chewing on a stick of something you found in Mando’s pack. You wonder if you should wait a while longer to wake him. 

You aren’t sure how far ahead you are of anyone that might have followed you from the town.

If anyone followed you from the town. 

Crest munches on desert grass nearby. It’s a peaceful spot. The creek makes for a gentle background noise, the air cool beneath the trees. 

The scent of wet desert earth is pleasant, the soil around the creek bed is like wet clay and when you push your free hand into it it squishes pleasantly around your fingers. When you finish the stick of whatever the ration was made of, you wash your hands in the stream before standing to refill the canteens with water. 

“We need to move again.” 

Mando’s voice startles you, and you nearly drop the canteens.

His voice is close, and when you turn, you find him directly behind you. You clear your throat and take a step back, “So, you’ll tell me how far the next town is now?”

He shifts, head tilting to the side. You can just make out his eyes. “We can make it to the next town by sun up tomorrow. But I think you should bypass it.” 

“Why?” 

“It’s not far enough. It’s the first place they’ll look for you.” He tilts his hat back a fraction, like he’s trying to get a better look at you. “You should go farther west.”

You give a slow shake of your head. “Really, I think it’s fine. I don’t have anything to pay you with to take me further.” 

You’re also not sure you want to travel any further with him. You would not jump from the frying pan into the fire. 

Mando makes an irritated noise. “I am not asking for payment,” he says. “You shouldn’t go to the next town, but I’ll take you there, if that’s what you want,” he agrees, though he doesn’t sound happy about it. 

You blink, surprised. 

You’ve never had someone so easily bend to your wishes. You’ve never had someone listen to you the way the Mandalorian does, who actually takes your opinion and wants into consideration. 

He seems to value your opinion, and accept that you know what’s best for you, even if he doesn't agree.

“We’ll have to rest again before we get there.” He turns on his heel and makes his way back to Crest, patting her side and then checking over her hooves. 

You stand by the stream for a few long seconds, emotions swirling in your belly. The Mandalorian seems to be genuinely trying to help you. And you know him - he’s your friend. You’ve known him for months, had soft feelings for him for most of that time. 

That, and he’s right. You’re still much too close to that town. A day’s ride was nothing to a determined man. 

“Mando,” you call as you start towards him. “You’re right. The first town is too obvious.” 

He doesn’t speak as he saddles Crest and adjusts the pack on her back. “I wouldn’t do that to you,” he says, his voice muffled and laden with something heavy, though he doesn’t sound angry. “I wouldn’t harm you.”  

Something in you twists, gravel lodging in the back of your throat as you shift nervously, fidgeting with your fingers. “I know. It’s not you that’s made me afraid.” 

Mando nods, “I know.” He swings himself onto Crest before leaning down to help you up behind him. “Are you sure you don’t want to go to the next town?” 

“I’m sure,” you answer, lightly fisting your hands against his sides. 

The sun is once again tilting low on the horizon. You think again about how beautiful the desert is, and how dangerous. 

In the distance you can see the peaks of the mountains where the Mandalorians must live. Even a half day's ride west makes them seem so much larger. They seemed mere pinpricks from the town. “Do the Mandalorians really live there?” You lift a hand and point to the peaks in the distance.

Mando cups his hand around your wrist and lowers your hand so it’s pointing midway up one of the smaller mountains on the range. “Yes. About there.” 

He doesn’t let go of your hand for a moment, and the press of his worn leather gloves against your skin is warm and pleasant. His thumb slides over your pulse point before he seems to realize what he’s doing and abruptly releases you.

A warmth spirals up from your belly and prickles pleasantly at the underside of your skin. You’re glad at that moment that you’re behind him and he can’t see your expression. It must be written all over your face how much you’d liked his hand on yours. 

Even so, he’s warm in front of you, if a little stiff with tension now. Your thighs bracket his and you lean into his back, cheek pressed against the soft, worn material of his jacket. 

You clear your throat, “So, is it true that you’re in a cult?” 

You feel the slight rumble of his chest when he laughs and tries to suppress it. The brief tension breaks, and his spine softens back into you again. 

“No,” he answers. “It’s a good rumor, though.” 

“Why not correct them? They wouldn’t fear you so.”

There’s a long pause, the clop of Crest’s hooves the only sound aside from the buzz of insects hiding in the low grasses. “We don’t live the way they do. Their fear is our protection.” 

You consider that, watching the side of his face. 

Just above the bandana, you catch a glimpse of golden skin and the peak of a sharp cheekbone. His eyes are a deep mourning brown. The color of his eyes seems lighter now than it had in the low light of the apothecary the day before. The sun casts them a deep chestnut, even though they’re shaded by the hat tipped over his eyes. 

He’s rather beautiful, you don’t need to see the rest of his face to know that. You’ve thought so before, many times over, when he visited the apothecary. You’ve always liked the shape of his shoulders, the way he stood with all his weight on one foot, the slightly shy way he ducked his head. 

You like a lot of things about him. You like the way he covers his face, and listens to the town gossip you impart on him, and tells you about his travels if anything worth mentioning had happened. 

“I never feared you,” you feel the need to tell him. 

Mando’s shoulders straighten, the tilt of his head angling up. A strange kind of pride radiates from him. “Because you understand. You understand fear.” 

You know exactly what he means. 

You understand not living the way others do, you understand their fear being a kind of protection. But while you are alone, the Mandalorians at the very least have each other. “Would you tell me about them?” You ask. “The Mandalorians? Are you all nameless, like they say?” 

He laughs again, and this time the sound is more distinct. His body relaxes further back into yours, and you wonder what Miss Next Door would say if she could see you now. Likely she’d have a heart attack over the way the two of you are pressed together. 

It makes you wonder again, at what’s wrong with you. You can’t help feeling that being this close to him, listening to him talk, feeling the warmth of him, should inspire something more in you. 

But it doesn’t. You like this just fine. You like being close to him, you like the comforting scent of him, the sun warmed leather of him. But you don’t want more, you don’t feel more than that.

And that is why you’ll always be alone. There’s no place for someone like you. 

“Another rumor,” he dismisses. ‘No, we are not nameless.” There’s only a moment of hesitation before he continues, “My name is Din Djarin.” 

It’s a slightly strange name to your ears, but it suits him. You tell him as much, “You have a lovely name. Din Djarin.” 

“We are people of many kinds,” he says without prompting, like he’s settled into his trust of you. “A creed binds us together. We are warriors, survivors.” 

You hum and lie your cheek against his back again, through his layers of clothing you can just make out the sound of his heart. It’s a steady comforting sound, just like he’s steady and comforting against your body. “Survivors,” you murmur. “And protectors, it seems.” 

“This is the Way,” he says, the inflection of his voice a bit odd. “Our people were once decimated by purges. I was not born to the Mandalorians.” 

“You weren’t?” You ask, surprised. It seems like something so integral to who he is, like it's something woven into his bones and blood. “I find that hard to believe.” 

“It’s true,” he reaches a gloved hand out to pat Crest between the ears. “My parents were killed when I was young. The Mandalorians saved me. I was a foundling, taken care of by the collective. You know I have a foundling of my own.” 

“Your son,” you say, and he nods. You’d always assumed he was a child from a past relationship, but this somehow makes more sense. 

Foundlings are an odd notion to you, but a nice one, one that appeals to you. “So everyone takes care of the foundlings?” 

“And the children born to Mandalorians, yes.” 

You shift against him, intrigued. “You are quite different.” His spine stiffens and he doesn’t answer you. It takes you a moment to realize he thinks you mean it in a negative way. “It’s nice,” you amend. “I imagine my own life would be quite different if we shared responsibilities in that way.” 

Din relaxes again, his chin dipping forward in a nod. “It has its advantages.” 

“Are other things very different?” 

The Mandalorian pauses for a long moment, before he begins telling you of life in the mountains of Mandalore. Not everything about it is idyllic. The Mandalorians are warriors after all, which means a certain level of baseline brutality. But their culture and religion intrigue you.

He’s never spoken so much to you, and never about the other Mandalorians, like being alone together has given him permission to open up. 

“Women,” he mentions, “and men are equal. All are equal. The way you and some of the others are treated…it’s not understandable. Not to me, or any Mandalorian, I would guess.” 

“Equal,” you echo. “How do you-,” 

“Of course we have leaders, a hierarchy. But all can be leaders and all are warriors. We are all warriors.” 

You straighten at that, darkness falling in earnest now, the sky once again a hazy blue and purple. “All of you? Really?” He nods as he brings Crest to a stop. “Would you teach me?” You ask as his boots hit the ground and he holds out a hand to you. 

“Teach you?” 

“To fight. Or at least to defend myself.” You slide off Crest, your legs aching again. 

He makes a noise under his breath as he steadies you, “I’m not sure how much I can teach you in a few days.” 

“Somethin’ at least,” you plead as he releases you. “I’ve got a knife and everything.” 

“Fine,” he agrees, but something about his tone tells you he’s proud, happy that you’ve asked, that he wants you to know how to defend yourself. “After we eat.” 

You nod and let him point you to some tasks. Gathering anything that can be used for fire fuel, while Din takes care of Crest, making sure she’s well watered and that there’s something for her to eat. 

When you have a little fire going and the last wisps of rosy light are burning out in the western sky, the Mandalorian goes about preparing a dinner for you. He’s methodical and precise, and when the food is finished he makes a gesture at you to eat. 

“Won’t you too?” You ask when he makes no move to serve himself. He shakes his head. “Why?” 

“You would see my face.” 

“Oh.” Your brow crinkles. “But I’ve seen-,” 

He shakes his head, “Not all of my face.” 

Din doesn’t explain further, but you decide not to question him. 

He’s explained a great deal to you in one day, revealed things you think must be information most outsiders don’t have. 

You nod, “Okay. So come sit back to back with me. You must be starving, I won’t eat while you don’t.” 

Din seems surprised with your concern, but he does as you say. You lean back into each other as you eat, listening to the sounds of him doing the same. Cicadas sing in the grasses that sway in the low breeze.

Already you can see the changes in the landscape, soon you’ll be out of the desert bowl and into the flat plains that make up the earth before the foothills of the mountains. 

The ground is rocky beneath you but you don’t mind. The warmth of Din soaks through to your skin, even though layers of clothes, as the night and the cold descend on you. 

He’s a comforting presence. He always has been. You crave this, this closeness, the way he feels against you without the expectation of anything more. You’re starved for it. 

You’d looked forward to his time in the apothecary because it gave you someone to talk to, but also because you felt safe with him there, comforted. Now is no different.  

“Din?” You ask, to make sure he’s listening but also just to speak his name. Another thing he’s given you today; his name. 

“Yes?” 

You stare straight ahead, out into the blackness of the empty desert, and you imagine all the times the Mandalorian must have traveled these lands alone. You wonder if Din is as lonely as you are, or if he was content to be alone. 

Maybe he isn’t lonely most times. You aren’t sure how often he goes back to the mountains.

“You said the Mandalorians are equal among each other.” You feel him nodding. “And the collective cares for the children. So, is it possible to stay single? Not to have children?”

You feel his breath stop, a still kind of silence hanging in the air between you for a moment. “I only ask because it's so important to most where I’m from, and I wonder if it's the same with Mandalorians. If you didn’t, you were an outcast.” 

There’s a long pause but you just continue eating, waiting for him to decide whether he’d like to answer you or not. 

“Yes. Many don’t,” he says eventually. “Most important is the survival of the group. And many of us are foundlings. Blood is not as important. We have a saying - Aliit ori'shya tal'din. It means family is more than blood.”

You nod and don’t reply, focusing on finishing your food instead. You hadn’t known the Mandalorians had their own language, but it makes sense and the sound of it is pleasant. 

It must be nice, in those respects at least. Without the pressure of finding a match, or being matched. Without the pressure of producing children. 

Homesickness washes over you in a fierce, sudden wave, followed by a loneliness that lodges so firmly in your chest you find it hard to breathe for a few minutes. 

You desperately want a place to belong, a family and a home, you’re just sure you can’t have those things because of what it seems to require of you. You aren’t enough alone, not enough the way you are. 

The grief of not having a place, a home, is a physical thing. No family, no future.

You push the melancholy down, that lonely ache in the middle of your chest that said you would never be enough, that said there was something deeply wrong with you and that made you unlovable. 

When you’re done eating and the mess has been cleared away, the Mandalorian teaches you the basics of wielding a knife. He’s a patient teacher, his voice soothing and low in your ear as he maneuvers your hand on the handle of the blade. 

“It would be better if you had a revolver,” he tells you. “The knife should be a last resort, since it means someone got close enough for you to be able to use it.” 

You nod in agreement. “But it would have its uses,” you weigh the blade in the palm of your hand. “For protection.” 

His eyes squint and you know without seeing his mouth that Din is frowning at you. You shrug at him and tuck the blade back in your pocket. “I’m only thinking of the sheriff.” 

You expect his brow to relax with understanding, but it only makes him appear more worried. “That wouldn’t have happened.” 

“Well,” you concede. “Now it definitely won’t.” 

Your breath clouds in the air around you, and you reach up to tug off your hat. “We should get some shut eye.” 

Mando nods at you, looking distinctly more distressed.

You start to turn away but before you can, his hand circles your wrist. He says your name, the sound of it gentle. “I need you to know - you should know, I would not have left you there alone, if I thought that was a possibility. It’s why I didn’t leave you this time. Do you understand?” 

You aren’t quite sure you do, but a lump has formed in the back of your throat nonetheless. He cares about you, you realize, and has for a while, and that hurts because it means he’ll probably tire of you too. You like Din more than you care to admit, and you won’t ever be enough for him. “Yes,” you nod. “I understand.” 

His chin dips slightly in acknowledgement before he releases your wrist. 

You sort out sleeping arrangements, and Din offers to take the first watch. You curl on the ground with a blanket that smells like hay and earth, near enough to the fire not to shiver, while the Mandalorian settles beside you. 

There’s a moment, right before you fall asleep, that you think you feel his hand brush over your forehead. 

The next few days of travel are easy. 

Those few days quickly run over into a week, but you don’t mind. 

You and Din Djarin slip into an easy routine. He tells you, more and more each day, of the Mandalorians, and of the land you travel across which he knows well. He knows every swell of the earth, every crack in the soil, where to look for water, each blade of grass. 

You don’t remember him being as chatty in the town, but maybe he simply wasn’t comfortable enough there. This is his domain, and for once he’s not traveling it alone. 

He does seem more comfortable out on the open plains, away from people. 

And he seems to like you, or at least enjoy your company. 

Evenings and midday are by far your favorite times of the day, because you and Din get to lean into each other and eat, and because he teaches you small things, like how to track game and read the signs in the wilderness to tell if people or animals have passed by. 

Din lets you hunt with him, and a few nights you have rabbit for dinner. Learning how to break down the animal is by far the worst part of it all, but it’s still a useful skill to have and one you wouldn’t have had otherwise. 

He teaches you how to use your knife and then his revolver and the rifle too. 

You like how he guides your hands and presses his chest to your back as he shows you movements and how to handle the weapons. The feeling of his body around yours makes your skin prickle pleasantly, your stomach filled with butterflies you haven’t felt in a long time. You like how he touches you, careful and precise, his hands lingering just a little long. “No one ever showed you how?” 

“Never,” you say. “It wasn’t something I was supposed to know.” 

He makes a discontent noise but doesn’t comment further. You have a distinct feeling the idea is offensive to him, that some are taught to defend themselves and others aren’t. 

Each night, he points out the constellations to you. He describes how they move across the sky through the seasons and how they’re used for navigation. 

You listen with rapt attention. “So, if you know the season and where the stars sit at that time, you can find your way around?” He nods. “Wow. I never knew the sky was used to travel.” 

Din is sitting on the ground, reclined against a rolled pack while you lie flat on the ground next to him, the crown of your head almost touching his thigh. It’s cold and not particularly comfortable but you don’t care. The earth of the grassy plains is much more comfortable than the rocky desert had been, and the Mandalorian has given you both the blanket and his coat to lie on. It smells like him, like leather and pine. 

It’s the first time you’ve seen the skin of his arms. He removed his gloves when you sat down to eat earlier, and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. Din’s forearms are scarred, his skin crossed with lines from what must be many years of bounty hunting. You don’t mind it, the golden bronzed hue of his skin appealing. The veins in his arms collect in strong hands, and you want to know what his calloused fingers would feel like between yours. 

You could spend forever watching the stars, and listening to his low voice tell you stories. 

He tilts his head down at you. He doesn’t have his hat on, his hair like tufts of cloud that stick up around his head. “How did you come to that town? How did you know where you were?”

“I…wandered. Anywhere was better than what I was facing.” You don’t elaborate further than that and Din doesn’t ask, just looks up and points out another constellation. 

He tells you of the legends that are attached to the stars by the Mandalorians. You listen until the fire burns low and he tells you to get some sleep.

You sit up and lean against his bent leg. The position is a little close, but you spend most of the day plastered to his back, and figure it isn’t too close. His scent becomes more intense when you shift, like the small cake of soap he’d used to wash at the creek when you stopped for the day, like pine and leather. “It’s nice out here. Quiet.”

He stares at you for a long moment, the dying embers of the fire reflected over his skin and in the depths of his dark eyes. His gaze flicks over your face before settling on your eyes again. You swear the skin above the bandana turns a bit pink. “It’s usually a lot lonelier,” he admits. 

“Yeah,” you smile. “I was in a town full of people, and still lonely.” You glance up at the sky, “At least out here, there’s no one to judge you.”  

You touch his hand lightly, just because you want to know how it feels. It feels nice, warm. The nerves in your belly beat up against your lungs, step on your ribs and over your heart. “Thank you for sharing so much with me, Din.” 

You release his hand when his fingers flex beneath yours and lie down again, closing your eyes to the stars. You don’t feel as alone as you once did. 

Before you drift off, you feel his fingers sweep across your forehead again. 

You wake to the Mandalorian dousing the fire suddenly, his hand is on your arm shaking you awake as he says your name. “Get Crest and go, I’ll find you.” 

“What?” You sit up, groggy. “Why? Go where?” 

Despite his urgent tone, his touch is gentle. “I need you to get to Crest,” he repeats, “and ride until you cross the river.” He helps you stand when you see the riders in the distance, torches held aloft. 

Your heart seizes hard in your chest, a fierce panic crawling up from the pit of your belly. 

“No,” you latch onto his arm hard. “Din, they-,” 

“Go to Crest,” he says, eerily calm, a quiet rage humming just below the surface. “I’ll find you.” 

“Din, there’s five of them!” You say, digging your heels into the ground. Maybe more than five, you can’t tell. 

“I can handle it,” he assures you. “I need you to go now,” his voice softens a fraction. 

You move slowly toward Crest, feeling as though you’re in a dream. You never thought you were important enough to chase this far. The last few days, you had been able to convince yourself they hadn’t followed at all. “But I can help. What - what if something happens to you -,” 

“I’ll be alright,” he says, the sky behind him starting to lighten, a rosy, dawn colored pink. “If not, just keep riding west. There’s a map and a compass here,” he taps the saddlebag. “You have enough supplies to reach the next town. Now go.” 

He has the rifle in his hands. “Din-,” 

Instead of answering, he says something lowly to Crest, in the same language he’d used the other day. She takes off immediately, and you struggle to hang on for just a moment. You dig your knees in and manage to get the reins into your hands. 

Crest seems to know where she’s going, following a small, well worn dirt path through the grassy plains. Behind you, the sound of gunfire echoes. You try only once to glance over your shoulder, but you can’t see anything. 

You aren’t sure how long you ride, and you find it hard to track the movements Crest makes. Eventually, when the sun is just fully over the horizon behind you, she slows. 

The river comes into view. 

It isn’t a large river, but Crest trots over the wooden bridge across it like she knows it well, before finally coming to a stop beneath a copse of trees on the other side. 

She’s foamy with sweat and breathing hard. “Good girl,” you pat her gently before sliding from the saddle. You’re breathing hard too, your body is stiff and your stomach churns with nerves. You clench your hands into fists to try to contain the shaking. 

How long would it take Din to walk to you? Already you want to turn Crest around and go searching for him, but you aren’t sure if that’ll make it worse. You don’t know where you are or how to get back to where you’d come from. 

You pat Crest gently and decide to stay put. 

You’ve only seen the Mandalorian commit violence once, in a shootout in the center of the town. And, you suppose, when you left the town, he’d clearly at least delayed them with injuries. 

For you, and now he was doing it again. Something about it makes your heart flutter. Its kind of morbid, and you kind of don’t care. 

You lead Crest to the water to drink before turning her out into the grass to graze. She never seems to need tied up and so you just leave her, watching the sun rise ever higher in the sky. 

A cool breeze blows over the land ruffling the swaying grass. The sky burns bright blue, clouds drifting in from the north until the day feels colder than it should. Your heart hasn’t slowed since Crest came to a stop. 

You press your hand to your chest, a bit worried something might be wrong. The stillness irks you, but pacing only makes your heart rate tick higher. The wind continues to pick up, the sky promising rain. 

Just when you start to feel too much time has passed, a figure appears on the horizon. You can’t be sure it’s Din but you click your tongue at Crest anyways. She trots over and snorts when you clamber onto her back. “Look,” you point. “Is it him?” 

She breaks into a gallop without another word from you. 

Din is clutching his side, a spot of red bleeding through his shirt. 

You slide off Crest before she’s even come to a stop and catch yourself against him, nearly knocking both of you to the ground. 

Sweat slicks his brow and he’s panting, but aside from the blood on his side he seems unharmed. “Din? Are you hurt?” 

You reach for his side when his hand captures yours, his grip tight. “I’m fine. I told you to cross the river.” 

“We did,” you look up at him. “I need to look, you can’t just bleed out.” 

He grunts and whistles for Crest, before urging you up onto her again. You help him swing up behind you before he nudges her into a trot. “I’m fine. It looks worse than it is.” His arms circle you, reins held loosely in his grasp. 

He’s still breathing a little hard, his chest rising and falling rapidly against your back. “What happened?” 

A long silence passes. You cross the river again and keep moving west. “We should stop so-,” 

“There’s a better place up ahead. It’s going to rain,” he says, his voice a familiar, comforting rasp in your ear. “Secluded. Runoff creek from the river. A couple apple trees.”

“Okay,” you agree, pressing your hands over his on the reins, just to steady yourself. Even through his gloves, you can feel the heat of his hands. To your surprise, he turns his hands in yours and captures yours lightly. He squeezes your hands and you return the comforting gesture. 

The patch of trees and the runoff creek are near a steep rock face you’d seen in the distance. It's hemmed in and shaded. It feels safe. 

Din lets you fuss over him, sitting still on one of the rocks near the creek bed while you clean and bandage the wound on his side. He was only grazed by a bullet, and he was right that it looked much worse than it actually is. 

Still, it needs cleaned and bandaged. You try to move quickly, since Din seems fairly shy about being seen, but your hands are shaking and it takes longer than you would like. What if he hadn’t been grazed? What if it had been worse? All because of you? 

His side is lined with old scars, wounds that look like he badly tended them himself. He doesn’t make so much as a peep as you work. You're glad to have taken some of the tinctures with you.

When the bandages are firmly in place, you check over his knuckles. They’re swollen and bruised but otherwise fine. “Are you in pain?” You ask, glancing up into his eyes. “We have a tincture for that if you are.” 

“No.” 

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” You ask, hands still covering his.

His gaze bores into yours, dark and calm. “You don’t have to worry about them anymore.” 

You stare at him for a long moment, before you nod. “Okay.” You glance away, very aware that you’re still holding his hands between yours. “Thank you.” 

He did that. For you. It sends another bolt of guilt through you. 

He’s your only friend and you’d nearly gotten him killed. 

Din nods and you nod back, decidedly not letting go of his hands. You can’t seem to bring yourself to do it. 

He pats your fingers. “I’m okay. I would do it again.”

You’re sure your heart is in your mouth, and you can’t seem to swallow it down. Tears gather in the corners of your eyes but you blink them back.  

“Just,” you squeeze his hands again. “Give me a minute.” 

He doesn’t try to pull away, and when you fit yourself into his arms, he doesn’t comment on that either. His hands curl into you, warm and safe and grounding, and don’t let go. 

You don’t travel that day. 

Din catches fish in the stream for you to roast over the fire that evening. He watches you carefully from the corner of his eye, not able to shake off the feeling of you curled in his arms. You’d fit yourself there as though it came naturally. 

It was only then that he’d felt you shaking and knew that you wouldn’t be able to travel. 

He also hadn’t wanted to let you go. He isn’t sure how long you’d stayed there like that. 

Instead, once you calmed enough that your lungs weren’t trembling with fast, suppressed breath, he’d let you get him the tincture, which did help with the pain even if he didn’t really need it. Only then did you seem comfortable with moving away from him. 

While he fishes he watches you. He watches you gather apples, and then twigs for a fire. He watches you feed and water Crest. The trees keep most of the light rain off, but your clothes are still lightly spattered with it. You wear the cowl he’d gotten you, he’s hardly seen you without it since he got it for you. It makes him feel like he’s standing in the sun. 

“How many have you got?” You ask as Din directs his eyes back to the stream when you approach. 

“Three so far,” he answers, the heat of your skin sinking into his when you step closer. He holds his breath but you don’t lean into him. 

“That should be enough, shouldn’t it?” 

He agrees, and drops his makeshift spear to start cleaning the fish. You stand by and watch, insistent to learn how. Din is glad you want to know, he’s happy to show you. The way you lean into his side as you watch only has a little to do with it. You rest the side of your forehead against his shoulder. 

He’s been thinking of asking you to come to Mandalore. You would be safe there, and, he hopes, happy. You could learn to fight and navigate and hunt, like you want to. 

But it also feels selfish. Din knows. He knows why he wants to ask you, and it feels dishonorable. 

You roast the fish, and then eat back to back like you always do. 

No one has ever made that consideration for him before, to make that simple change so he could eat at the same time. 

“Mando,” you curl against his spine because you always somehow finish your food before he does. Maybe because he spends too much time thinking about your warmth pressed against his back. 

“Yes?”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yes.” 

You make a noise like a hum and settle again. You fist a hand into his coat and he thinks about you in his arms again. Something painful clenches in his chest. He wishes he could just tell you that he cares for you. 

It’s quiet for a while before you suddenly ask, “Have you ever danced?” 

The question is a little odd but he answers you anyways. “No.” 

“We used to have dances all the time. Where I’m from.” you say. “It's something I really miss about home. I wasn’t any good at it but it was fun.” Your cheek is pressed to his shoulder. “I could teach you, since you’ve shown me so much.” 

He almost refuses before thinking better of it. He sets aside what’s left of his dinner and slips the bandana back over his nose. “Okay. Show me.” 

“Really?” You ask as he stands, clearly surprised.

“Yes.” Din helps you up from the ground, and you smile at him. He patiently lets you lead him through a couple steps that he’ll never remember the motions to, before you settle in a slow sway. 

He closes his eyes, because it's nice and he’s gotten what he wants again, you curled in his arms. “This was everyone’s favorite part,” you say. “Just holding and swaying.” 

It is nice. It’s comforting, the feeling of you in his arms, warm against his chest. 

He pulls you tighter to him, rests his chin against your shoulder, and leads you in a slow circle. 

Maybe he will remember the steps, because the laugh it pulls from you is worth it, the pleasant weight of you against his chest is worth it. 

You pull in shaky breaths, and he doesn’t make a noise of protest when your arm curls around him inside his coat. You smell like bluebells, like new rain on grass. 

He isn’t sure how long you stay together like that. 

One evening, several days on, Din just watches you breathe from his place leaning back against a fallen tree trunk. You’re closing in on the end of your journey together, and feels he should while he has the chance. You’re on the ground next to him, chewing on the slice of apple he’d just handed you. 

He likes watching you, and he’s glad you’re slightly in front of him so he can do it in peace. 

You’re pretty. Everything you do is beautiful. 

It’s not right, but he understands why you’re coveted. 

It’s also not right that he covets you.

He stares at you for another long minute before returning his gaze to the horizon. The sky is still boiling, red bleeding into orange as the sun settles lower through the long waves of grass. He’d stopped you earlier than he normally would have. 

Maybe he’s trying to prolong your time together just a little bit. 

Your body is pressed to the side of his bent leg, your chin on his knee, the warmth a comforting thing. 

You’ve completely let your guard down around him again. He doesn’t blame you for thinking the worst of him, for being wary in the beginning. What else could you be expected to think? He’s become protective of you, he’d kill those men again, if given the chance. You’re protective of him too, now. You make sure his wound, shallow and superficial as it is, is taken well care of. You make sure he eats, and rests.

Din likes you. He doesn’t want to leave you in some town that would probably treat you just the way the last one had. 

You’re smart and capable and a fast learner, and you deserve better than to be whatever thing they were trying to mold you into. 

You’ve become incredibly important to him over the last few months, ever since you offered to bandage him in front of that apothecary. He cares for you, and the last two weeks have only solidified that. He always wished he had more time with you when he visited you, and now that he’s had it, it's made everything worse, and much more complicated. He isn’t sure how he’s supposed to let you go. 

He wants to court you, but he’s not sure if the way Mandalorains court would mean much of anything to you, and he’s not sure you want that anyway. Besides, anytime he’s tried that, it’s gone badly.

He doesn’t want things to go badly with you. 

That, and he knows he won’t measure up to what you need. He never has. 

“Din?” You ask suddenly, turning from the fire to look at him. He raises a brow and continues slicing through the apple he’s cutting up for you one piece at a time.  

He likes the easy way you curl into him, craves the contact, the warmth like nothing else he ever has. 

He offers the next slice of apple to you, perched on the edge of the knife. 

You take it with a glowing smile. He knows it pleases you when he does little things like that for you. 

“Y’know,” you fidget with the slice of apple for a long moment before biting into it. “I’ve never met a man like you before.” 

He tilts his head. “What do you mean?” 

You smile and look away, scuffing your boot along the ground. 

The terrain turned in the last two days, from the light brown of the plains to the deep, rich coffee earth that lies in the foothills of the mountains. 

He’s close to home, close to losing you. 

“You don’t seem to really want anything from me,” you shrug. “You know how the sheriff treated me. Wasn’t any different with any of the other men in the town, or where I came from. I know what they wanted from me. I’m not stupid.” 

Din doesn’t say anything, just watches you reach up to push your hat back on your forehead.

“I mean, men have tried to control me most of my life,” you admit, still not looking at him. “And you don’t. You seem to see me as you said, equal.” You pause before lifting your eyes. “I was married. Before.” 

“Sheriff said as much,” Din says. “Knew you were hiding from someone.” 

That had been the sheriff’s point to Din that evening he helped you leave. You were desperate and alone. Weak, he’d said. But stubborn, and he’d already picked you, you just didn’t realize it. 

Din couldn’t have left you there, he wouldn’t have gone anywhere without you after hearing what he had. 

“Right,” you nod and take the next slice of apple he offers you. You reach over with your other hand and cup your fingers around his wrist. It sends a jolt through him anytime you touch him, and now is no different. A slow warmth spreads through him. You’ve been touching him a lot lately. “I know. But he didn’t know why.” You glance at him from beneath lowered, thick lashes, and wait for him to nod before you continue. 

You release his wrist and fiddle with the apple slice. “I did love him. He was so kind and courted me properly.” A jealousy that means nothing rakes along his veins, that someone before you’d known him had gotten the chance, that you’d married him. “At first, anyways. And all the girls kept telling me how good it’d be once I was married. That being intimate was…something special. Only I couldn’t understand what they meant. I didn’t want that, but I thought I just had to wait.” 

You shrug, “But that feeling never came. And I realized something was wrong with me. Because even as much as I cared for him and for other people, the little crushes over the years, I’d never wanted anything more. I’ve never really wanted to be intimate with anyone. And if I understand it right, that’s not normally how people feel.” 

There’s a pause, where you stare into the fire and then gaze toward the faded midnight blue of the horizon. He watches the way a tendon in your jaw jumps as you chew the apple slice. 

Part of him can’t believe what he’s hearing. He’s never come across anyone who feels the way he does, he’s never heard anyone else describe what he feels. He holds his breath, heart seizing in his chest, not daring to think you might be saying what he thinks you are. Din opens his mouth when you continue. 

“I’ve…I never felt that way about anyone,” you repeat. “I know somethin’ is wrong. I should feel something. But I don’t.” You shrug, “Anyways, he was my husband and I did love him, so we were intimate. But then I couldn’t get pregnant, and he said it was because I didn’t really want him, because I was broken. My body wasn’t welcoming. I was too cold.” 

You glance up at him, “So that’s why I had to leave. It got around the village and-,” You take in a sharp breath and shake your head, “Anyways so I left, and I decided I’d do things my way. Makes for a very lonely life, though, when you know you’ll never be good enough. I know I’ll always be alone.” 

You pat his hands again, frozen in place on the apple. “I’m sorry if I’ve said too much,” your voice takes on a nervous tinge. “I realize it’s a sensitive subject but you’ve shared so much with me, I thought you deserved to know why I was in the situation I was in. Especially since you helped me. You saved my life, I know you did. Twice. So, you should know.” 

You breathe out hard, your hands releasing his and twisting together anxiously. “And…well, I’ve come to care for you. Maybe it's presumptuous of me but, I want you to know that. How I feel and what you did for me. You saved me from more than you can ever know. Given me more, with all you’ve shared.” 

Din turns toward you and meets your eyes, your irises are glowing in the fading light. You’re so beautiful, and he can’t believe you’ve put to words something he’s always felt. That there’s someone else that feels that way. 

You swallow nervously and look away from him. “I know it's strange and you probably don’t understand. I thought I should just tell you because…I think we’ve been going along pretty well and I don’t want to disappoint you.” 

Din’s heart lurches. He needs to say something. 

He sets the apple and knife to the side and captures your fluttering hands. “I understand. I - it's the same for me.” 

You shrink back from him, your expression pinching in. It’s a pained look, like you think he’s making fun of you, like you can’t fathom someone might feel the same. And, he supposes, a couple minutes ago he hadn’t been able to either. “You don’t have to be cruel. We can just pretend I didn’t - I know I shouldn’t have said it, I’m-,” 

“No,” he interrupts. “No. I’m not - There was someone once. Someone I loved. I courted her. I did everything right. But it - it didn’t work, because I didn’t want to be with her that way. I wanted everything else but that.” 

You stare at him, unblinking. “You cared for her?” You ask slowly. 

He tugs down the bandana from over his nose and looks at you head on. You blink in surprise, your eyes flitting down his face. “Yes. But she wanted to be intimate and I didn’t. I never felt that.” 

“Oh,” you say, still staring at his face, your eyes darting from his lips to his eyes and back. “So, you’ve never-?”

He’s shaking his head before you’ve even finished the question. “I understand. Part of it at least. At first, I thought I just didn’t have time - traveling, bounties - but then realized I - I feel what you do. I never wanted it.”

You don’t answer him for a long time as you search his eyes. “Really?” 

“Yes.”  

“I didn’t know - I-,” you stumble over your words, leaning closer. “I thought there was something wrong with me.” 

He nods and takes the apple and knife back into his hands to steady himself. “I didn’t either.” 

You smile suddenly, so widely it looks just a little painful. He watches you fight the expression back as you bite your lip and look down. “Well,” you say, “ain’t that somethin’.” 

“Here,” he nudges another slice of apple into your hand.

You take it from his fingers, still smiling. 

Din presses his knee into shoulder, and you immediately lean into him. “I care for you,” he says before he can think better of it. 

You finish chewing the bite of apple before answering. “I know.” You look up, “I was just worried I wouldn’t be enough.” You sit up fully and reach up to cup his cheek gently. 

He leans into your touch. It’s all he’s ever wanted, your touch and attention. You smooth your fingers along his jawline, the tug of your skin against his is pleasant. “You’re handsome,” you say. 

A flush burns hot through him, but he doesn’t answer, lost in the way you cup his face in your hands. 

You smile, and lean up to kiss him. 

Din hesitates for half a second before meeting your lips. You taste like apple and smell like the fresh breath of rain brewing on the horizon, like desert flowers. 

You settle softly into his arms when he pulls you into them, your fingers skating down his throat and over his collarbone. 

He anchors his hands on your waist when you open your mouth to him. He’s hungry for you, and you return the press of his lips against yours eagerly. You’re so warm against, against the chill of the night, and you grin when he pulls back to rest his forehead against yours. 

Your mouth is just a little swollen when he sweeps his thumb against your lips. 

The truth of you settles down in his bones, you were never going to want more than he could give. You would never find him wanting. 

He kisses you again, and you laugh when he does. 

The next morning, when a town comes into view on the horizon, he manages to say it. “You should come to Mandalore.” 

“What?” 

“That town,” he says, tipping his head towards the collection of buildings just in view. “It’s not going to be any different from the others.”

“I thought they weren’t a problem anymore?” Your fingers hook anxiously into his coat. 

“No,” he says, his voice slightly gruff as he tries to tell himself it wasn’t a bad idea to bring it up. Just because you care for him, just because you had the same kind of feelings he did, doesn't mean you’d want to stay with him. “Not them,” he says. “But their people might be just the same.” He brings Crest to a halt. “And you wouldn’t ever have to worry about that with me.” 

“With you?” You ask softly.

You peek around at him, eyes wide and waiting. “With us,” he corrects. “With Mandalorians.” 

A smile breaks over your face and you pat his side. “It’s okay, I like the thought of being with you.” His heart nearly stops at your words, affection seeping into his very blood. His love for you integrating itself into his very being, the core of himself and his creed. “But are you allowed to do that? Just bring people back to the cult?” You tease.

“Not a cult.”

“Not a cult,” you agree. “But, really, are you?”  

“Yes,” he swings down from Crest and offers you a hand. “I am.” You let him help you down, and both of you stare out over the horizon to the town. “I will take you there, if that’s what you want,” he says, not letting go of your hand. “But I think it would be more of the same.” 

You tug at the brim of your hat before taking a step back from him. “Yeah, probably.” 

“Mandalore would be unknown to you,” he continues. “But you wouldn’t have to stay. Not if you wouldn’t want to.” 

You turn and gaze toward the mountains. “How far?” 

“Another day’s ride. Quicker if we pick up the pace.” 

“Have we been going slower than usual?” 

“I didn’t want to push Crest with two of us. This journey usually takes under a week for me alone.” 

You smile again. “Oh, and here I thought we were makin’ time.” 

He ignores your joke. This is important to him, and important that you know what choice you’re making. “You know much of Mandalorians now. You can decide if you’d like to live amongst them.” 

Your mouth twists to the side. “But, would I be allowed to learn to become a warrior? And learn to use the stars for navigation? And how to track people and animals?” 

“You already have - you are-,” he starts. 

“And I wouldn’t have to marry. And-,” You stop and stare at him for a long moment, your eyes searching his. “I could be myself and I would be with you.” 

“Yes.” A strange swell of pride bubbles up. “You would be with me. And you could leave, if you wanted. Or, I can take you to the town now.” 

You take his hand again, and consider your twinned fingers. “Would you visit me there?” 

“Yes.” He’d go to you anywhere, visit you wherever you settled. 

For a moment, you’re quiet, and he resigns himself to you leaving him. At least you wouldn’t be so far away. “I want to come with you,” you say, meeting his eyes. 

The sharp pang of relief swells in his lungs. Din steps forward and tugs you into him, cradling your face between his palms. “Good,” he says. “I don’t think I can be without you now.” 

You reach up to tug down the bandana over his mouth, your eyes running hungrily over his face, drinking him in. He tilts your face up and kisses you gently, unable to believe you’re real, someone who fits with the pieces of himself. 

He had been so sure he was alone in his feelings. 

And then, you, a perfect fit. 

#din djarin x reader #din djarin x you #mandalorian x reader #mandalorian x you

[occamstfs]

Legacies Are Supposed To Change

Another fratification, This is one more of a prep to slob tf ! -Occam

My father was a member of Kappa Epsilon Gamma, and my grandfather before him was practically a founding member. I am going to be the third generation Astor to not only pledge but eventually become president. My family donates enough to the chapter to more than pave my way to the top. My only question now is, why are they making me pledge.

The current president, James, clearly didn’t care for me implying that I was getting in regardless, stopping just short of calling me out in front of the other pledges. That’s the only mistake he’s going to make though, when I’m in the frat I’ll completely clean house. That dunce will be lucky to even still be in the frat. I’m already old enough to be the president anyway, I’m sure my father will help the other alumni to agree.

Despite the president’s protests I have already secured a room in the house and I will say the room does seem to be exquisite. The only detail out of place is a pitcher of beer sitting on my desk. The head is still frothy so it must have been put there recently. Before I moved in my father warned me against partying too hard, we have a reputation to uphold after all, and I am not even a big drinker. 

The amber pitcher in front of me, ice cold without a piece of ice within, is more enticing than it ever should be though. The president must have done something to it. Absolutely. But, I  am awfully parched all of a sudden. I feel my mouth rapidly dry as I move closer to inspect the glass. A sip couldn’t hurt, it’s just beer after all. It’s probably that faux president admitting defeat already, no one can stand up to an Astor and prosper after all. 

I raise the pitcher to my mouth, struggling to raise it without spelling as it is heavier than I thought beer could be. The head spills over my face as I tilt the pitcher to drink. It runs down my cheeks and off my chin not that I could notice or care though. This beer is unlike anything I’ve tasted before. It's so, I need more right now. I force as much of it as I can down my throat before needing to take a break to breathe. The brief respite only gives me time to do something I thought unthinkable for a man of such poise as myself, I let out an impossibly loud burp.

I hear frat bros cheering outside my room in response “Yeah bro! Let’s go Tank!” I feel my face redden from the embarrassment of being heard doing something so profoundly basal. I scoff and roll my eyes as I notice how itchy my face suddenly is. It must be the beer starting to dry where I spilled it.

I go to wipe it off and notice it is far scratchier than it has any right to be. It burns even. I feel my face grow an even deeper shade of red as the beer must start to hit my system. I put the pitcher down and start to scratch my cheeks. I’ve never even had to shave before! Us Astor men don’t even grow peach fuzz! It  would be unbecoming to even try to grow a beard! I look in the mirror to assess whatever my situation and find an uncomfortable face staring back at me. That can’t be right. Thick brown hair is pushing out forming a chinstrap that must have taken months to grow! I lean in closer to inspect my face as another burp tries to force its way out of my throat.

Unwilling to embarrass myself once again I fight to keep it down. As I struggle against the gas in my esophagus I notice that my stomach is starting to bloat up. I see the thick brown hair in my beard start to seep up through my sideburns, staining my perfect blonde coifs into some dirty oafish brown. I gasp as my thin eyebrows rapidly burst into heavy caterpillars over my eyes which almost allows the burp to escape.

Clenching my jaw as I feel my stomach starts to press against my dress shirt. I audibly groan as I hear my bros outside start to cheer once more, something about me drinking the pitcher. They left it for me didn't they! What was I supposed to do! This burst of rage allows me to swallow the burp my neck thickening as it forces its way back down. I look down to see the button pop off of my suit jacket as my stomach starts to grumble. I feel woozy watching my torso start to barrel out, what happened to my lithe lacrosse build? My mind feels heavy as I inspect my growing body, I start to smell some vile body odor start to come from somewhere. One of these oafs absolutely needs to invest in cologne. I sniff around before my head finds itself in my own pit as I take a deep inhale and find the root of the stick. But that can’t be right?

My arms bloat out straining my dress shirt as I toss off my coat. I raise my arm behind my head to inspect my armpits further which creates a tear right on the seam, exposing my pit just in time for me to see my few blonde underarm hairs rapidly thicken to the same brown now covering my face. It’s almost funny? I can barely stop myself from laughing as I watch hair spread like a jungle in my pit, creating a haven for odor my body now apparently produces.

Is this because I burped? Is it some kind of sick joke? I’m struggling to find any reason for what is happening when I hear the zipper of my pants give out. Apparently my stomach isn't the only part of me bloating. I need to stop this. Maybe, maybe if I finish the beer without burping again I’ll go back to normal. That, that makes sense right?

I quickly grab the picture and do not notice how much thicker my hand is. Brown hairs sprouting on my hand and knuckles as my fingers grow hammy and lose the dexterity I have long honed. As I raise the glass to my face my stomach finally blows off the buttons as a thick treasure trail forms a peak halfway up my meaty torso. My body odor grows thicker in the air as I start to drink the rest of the glass. 

I feel my ass thicken as it forms a much weighter cushion in my seat, in the other side I feel as my balls rapidly grow to supply my body with the testosterone my body demands. My cock thickens but gets no longer as the beer dribbles down my face spilling all over my chest where curly dark hair spreads out from the center in a large diamond.

I finish the pitcher and shout to celebrate my conquest, “I did it fuckers! I passed the test,” as I shatter the pitcher on the floor of my bedroom, one of the pledges’ll clean that shit up anyway. 

I stand and rip the strained pants off my body as the shirt tears itself off of its own accord, no longer able to even try to hide my party bod. My bros burst into the room and start cheering “Tank, Tank, Tank!” Making me realize that duh, they’re talking about me. My bros have always called me that I burp again, now performativity as my body finishes changing. My eyes lose any pretentious sparkle they still held as they darken to a dull brown. My vocal chords grow visibly thicker, just showing from underneath the thick beard hanging off my face. A clear boner starts to grow in my shorts, not like my bros care.

I shake my package at them with my hand as I finish burping. Now that I’m in the frat I can show my bros that I’m not a fuckin’ prude like my dad and the other fuckin’ geezers. It’s gonna be a great year, now let’s go see which of these bitch pledges are Kappa material!

#male tf #masculinization #mental change #frat bro tf #jockification

[fuumoksun]

"To the dephts of your heart"

♡ content / warning : jealousy

♡ part of my "To the dephts of your heart" [fanfiction drafts]

♡ Interactive fanfiction : poll at the end

As a representative from the Akademya working on negotiations between the nations of Fontaine and Sumeru, flirting with the Duke of the Meropide Forteress had been a thrilling distraction. The playful banter provided a much-needed break from the weight of your shared duties until a certain Scribe confessed his feelings for you...

"I understand if you need some space to think things through. Even though I tend to be persistent, I'll always respect your decision, no matter what it is."

Al Haitham's words left you in a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. Surprise mingled with disbelief as you processed the unexpected turn of events. After years of working around him you knew how cautious he was and he certainly didn't take the maters of love lightly.

Al Haitham had earned your utmost respect, particularly after the Sumeru crisis. The Scribe had left a lasting impact on you, and considering he had visited your dreams more than once, you couldn't deny that you cared about him.

On the other hand, within a few months, Wriothesley had managed to burrow deep into your thoughts, his presence becoming a constant, compelling force within your mind.

"Is this love... or?" You didn't knew what word to put on it anymore.

[...]

Love triangles are just a bunch of book fantasies... Or so you tried to convince yourself as you found yourself seated at a fancy terrace in Fontaine. On your left sat AlHaitham, while Wriothesley occupied the spot on your right.

The arrival of the waiter, bearing your coffee, offered a brief respite from the discomfort. Grateful for the interruption, you thanked him quietly.

The tension in the air was palpable. As the awkward silence stretched on, you couldn't help but mutter to yourself,

"No way... This can't be happening."

"Sugar, honney?" The Duke's voice was almost a whisper, catching you off guard.

"W-what?" You blinked, unsure of what he was getting at, your eyes catching a flicker of a frown on Al Haitham's face.

"Do you..."the Duke asked again, "... prefer sugar or honey in your coffee today?" he punctuated his question with a charming smile, leaning towards you to open the porcelain sugar holder.

Realization dawned, and you flushed with embarrassment, desperately wishing for the traveler to come back so you'd be out of this torture.

"Oh, uh... yeah. S-sugar is fine," you mumbled, turning your face away, as his knee brushed yours under the table. Usually you wouldn't mind his playful gestures and you couldn't blame him for acting like he always had around you, since he didn't know about last night's confession.

Al Haitham glanced up from his book, his gaze cool and collected. "I'm afraid, I have nothing interesting to share right now."

A moment passed before, Al Haitham pulled a book from his pocket, making it abundantly clear that he had no intention of engaging in conversation with either of you.

Wriothesley's eyes shifted back and forth between you and the tall man behind the book, a silent challenge brewing in the air.

He couldn't resist the opportunity to provoke a reaction just to make sure his intuition was right. "Ah, retreating into literature again ? I was looking forward to have some time with you... both."

A smirk tugged at Wriothesley's lips as he leaned back in his chair, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "Really? Then tell me more about yourself... I must admit, I'm quite curious since Y/n speaks so highly of you... "

Al Haitham turned a page not sparring his rival a glance, "Well that will give you something to investigate about during your free time." His eyes locked into mine for a second, "It seems you have plenty after all."

"Nevermind then. Digging into peoples lives for personnal interrest is not really my thing..."

If you had any doubts about how much Al Haitham knew about your flirtations with the Duke, they vanished in that moment. It was clear he confessed even thought he knew you spent the last nights at the Forteress.

Accross the table, Wriothesley had the answer he wanted. He sipped his tea, with a bitter sweet satisfaction, retreating into his own thoughts.

You shifted uncomfortably in your seat, a feeling of guilt bubbling in your stomach.

[...]

"Al Haitham! Wriothesley! Y/n! We're back!" Paimon's voice reverberated, dispelling your cloud of negative thoughts.

Without another word exchanged the three of you parted ways returning to your duties for the rest of the day.

It was now, you against your thoughts and what seemed to be an impossible decision...

2024 © fuumoksun Do not, copy , translate, plagiarize or post on other plateforms. Thank you.

#genshin impact #fanfiction #genshin impact fanfiction #fanfic #imagine #gi #x reader #x y/n #gender neutral #gn reader #x gn reader #al haitham #wriothesley #wriothesley x reader #angst #jealousy #love triangle #choices #poll #tumblr poll #fanfiction polls #genshin impact poll #al haitham x reader #romance #genshin x reader #genshin imagines

[joelalorian]

Lost Cause

Joel Miller x f!reader

Summary: Joel thinks you shouldn’t waste your time on him. You disagree.

Warnings: Explicit MDNI; Jackson-era Joel; canon-ish but also not; drinking; mentions of cigarettes, drugs, dark thoughts, and death; unprotected p in v; oral (m and f receiving); interesting use of red wine; unspecified age gap; despair and hope.

Inspired by the song Save Me by Jelly Roll. Some of the lyrics have been woven into the story.

Word count: 2,594 oneshot

The hits just kept coming. Time after time, year after year, life just beat Joel Miller down. It started when he was young, always taken down a peg by someone who was supposed to love him unconditionally, no matter how hard he tried to build himself up. There was a brief respite when he had Sarah – those fourteen years were the happiest of his life, despite the sudden and unexpected nature of becoming a father so young, until it was all ripped away in the blink of an eye on that one horrific day.

Since then, he’d given up hoping for more. Life had completely shattered his hopes and dreams. He couldn’t even put himself out of his own misery, for fuck’s sake. Life hated him that much it wouldn’t even release its grasp on him. He was so damaged beyond repair, and he could do fuck all about it.

His latest hit was a sucker punch to the gut, though.

Just when he finally opened up his heart again, when he allowed himself to feel something other than misery again, that’s precisely when the hit came.

Ellie – sweet, feral child that she was – wanted nothing to do with him after finding out the truth of what happened to the Fireflies in Salt Lake City.

The fracture in his relationship with Ellie sent him spiraling out of control, resorting to old behaviors and vices – drinking too much at the Tipsy Bison, smoking pilfered cigarettes out back behind the bar, taking pills on the rare occasions he could get his hands on them. The nightmares returned no matter how blasted he got to chase them away and he was often moody from lack of sleep.

Joel still contributed to society in Jackson, but he did it in ways that he could keep to himself. Fixing things around town, building stuff in his workshop, taking the odd patrol shift with his brother. He avoided everyone but Tommy and Maria, and Ellie, if she didn’t flee from the very sight of him.

“Jesus Christ, Joel. What the fuck? Were you trying to get yourself killed? Because it almost worked!” Tommy was worked up, laying into Joel at the tail end of their patrol shift. He didn’t know if his older brother had a death wish or was just too hungover to pay proper attention, but Joel was nearly taken out by a clicker while they cleared their route. A clicker that he normally would have dispatched without much effort or thought. Joel cut it way too close this time.

Joel gazed at his brother with baleful eyes. He had nothing to say for himself. He did have a death wish, but how could he tell Tommy that?

Tommy knew Joel was struggling – his behavior was similar to what it had been after Sarah died, when he became a fraction of the man he had been. “Come on, let’s grab a drink at the Bison,” Tommy sighed. At a loss on how else to help him, Tommy often accompanied Joel to the bar despite already thinking his brother drank too much.  At least he could keep an eye on him that way.

They made small talk on the way, Joel’s responses little more that grumbles and grunts. Something needed to give, but what? Tommy didn’t know, but he sent up silent prayers for a miracle to save his brother.

Once they were seated at one end of the bar, Tommy ordered a round. “Joel, brother, what is going on, really? Is it just the thing with Ellie or something more?”

Two sets of deep brown eyes stared at each other for long moments, each waiting for the other to flinch or look away. Joel gave in first, clearing his throat, unable to meet his brother’s eyes as he spoke. “It’s… everythin’, Tommy. It feels like somethin’ inside me is broken, somethin’ that was just starting to repair itself until this thing with Ellie shattered it again.”

Tommy’s heart clenched. Life had done Joel dirty, even before the outbreak, and it seemed like it finally broke him beyond repair. “I know it ain’t been easy, not with… well, everything. Do you… would you ever consider talking to someone about it all? Like a professional, I mean. I know we got someone here who used to be a counselor.”

Brows pinched together, Joel’s stormy eyes glared at the bar top, avoiding Tommy’s searching gaze. “Fuck, no! I don’t want a stranger diggin’ into my psyche or whatever the hell they do, just so they can tell me I have daddy issues or some such shit. And talkin’ ‘bout it don’t help none, either. I’m talking to you and it ain’t doing shit but pissin’ me the hell off!”

“Damn, alright! Don’t gotta get all caveman on me.” Tommy held his hands up with a blatant roll of his eyes. His brother never did like the touchy feely shit and he should have known better than to bring it up. “Maybe you just need a sweet lil’ thing to take your mind off shit.”

That got Joel to laugh for the first time in a long while. “Oh yeah? You think getting my dick wet will solve everythin’?”

Tommy smirked. “Well, not everything. You’ll still be you afterwards. I’d pity whatever poor girl got stuck with you, honestly. But it couldn’t hurt none, right?” It was good to see his brother grin, nose and corners of eyes crinkling with the broadness of it, and they fell into a comfortable silence while people watching. Sudden movement at the entrance caught Tommy’s attention and Joel followed his eyeline.

You walked in with Maria, the pair of you had your heads tilted toward each other giggling madly about something. While Tommy only had eyes for Maria, Joel drank in the sight of you. New to Jackson, you arrived with a small group a few weeks ago and, while you were still settling in, you were eager to meet people and get involved in helping around town. Maria took an instant liking to you, and you spent a lot of time with her, quickly becoming part of the Miller group.

Catching a glimpse of his brother staring at you, Tommy slapped Joel’s back. “Speaking of a sweet lil’ thing. Maybe this is your chance, brother.” Joel scoffed in return. Girls like you don’t go for guys like him, at least not the guy he was now. It was the law of nature or some shit.

“Hey boys,” Maria greeted, taking a seat next to Tommy. With a knowing glint in her eye and an exaggerated wink, she gestured for you to sit next to Joel. You never should have mentioned to her how handsome you found Joel. She was becoming a menace with her not-so-subtle methods of teasing and pushing the two of you closer at every opportunity.

“Hi Joel.” You slipped onto the stool next to him, one hand placed on his shoulder for balance as you did so.

“Hey darlin’. Whatcha drinking?” he grunted, fighting to ignore the burning heat of your touch. When was the last time a woman touched him? It must have been Tess and that was… a long time ago.

“I’ll take a red wine. Cabernet or pinot noir, whichever kind is available, please.”

After relaying your request to the bartender, and with his brother’s attention focused solely on Maria, Joel turned his attention back to you. He was a miserable sod, but you were a beautiful woman – he’d be a fool to ignore the attention you paid him. “How are you settlin’ in?”

“Pretty good. This is some community.” You launched into a few stories about mishaps and people you’ve met so far, drawing a few chuckles from Joel with your interpretation of some of the townsfolk. You had a way about you that drew him out of shell of melancholy.

One drink quickly became two, then three, and before either of you knew it, Maria and Tommy left and the two of you were alone at the bar. The wine buzz left you feeling bold and brave, making a move you would not have normally.

“Do you want to go back to my place for a nightcap?”

“Darlin’,” Joel sighed, brows pinched, at once drifting back under the dark cloud of hopelessness and unable to meet your heated gaze. “You don’t want to waste your time on me. I’m a lost cause.”

“Why don’t you let me decide what and who I waste my time on,” you challenged.

Joel’s eyebrows lifted in surprise at your tenacity. You were a beautiful young woman and for some unfathomable reason you were interested in him. He had absolutely nothing to offer someone like you, except for a one-night stand, at best. He was good at those – they didn’t require deep connections or feelings, two things he was avoiding like the plague. Maybe Tommy was on to something though – sex would take his mind off his miserable existence for a bit.

“Okay then. Let’s get outta here,” he replied, downing the last of the amber liquid in his glass, and leading you out of the bar with a large, warm hand at your lower back.

The journey to your house was cold and quiet and you began to wonder if you’d made a huge error in judgement. You weren’t a one-night stand kind of girl, preferring the comfort and security of relationships instead, but something told you that this would be the only way you’d get to have Joel. There was a darkness about him, a deep residing mass of regret and remorse, and you felt a burning need to fix him, to be his sunshine, even if only for a little bit.

Your hands fumbled with the latch when you finally reached your house. The warmth of Joel’s large hands suddenly overwhelmed your senses as he helped you, and you were flinging yourself at him before the door even closed behind you.

His kisses were anything but tender, all harsh presses of his lips, teeth, and tongue, like he was a man starved. There would be marks left on your tender skin come morning, but you didn’t mind, giving him the same treatment as you sucked at his neck, soothing your tongue over the spots you just sunk your teeth into.

“I have a bottle of wine. Do you want some?” you breathed against his lips, taking a moment to slow the momentum before the pair of you spontaneously combusted.

A smirk crossed Joel’s lips as an idea struck him. “Sure, why not.” He watched you open the bottle and pour two glasses before returning to him. Accepting one of the stemless glasses, he clinked it against yours before taking a sip. The momentum picked right back up after that first taste of the dark liquid.

Fingers frantically working to undo the buttons on Joel’s flannel with one hand, you walked backwards up the stairs to your bedroom, pulling him along with you without a spare thought about the wine spilled on the wood flooring as you went. Patience wearing thin, he tore your clothes from your body with his free hand, leaving you naked and yearning as you continued working on his shirt. Placing his glass of wine on the nightstand, his hands were everywhere, he could not get enough of your smooth, soft skin.

You were the antithesis of him, bright and bubbly where he was dark and brooding, soft where he was hard, adaptable and happy where he was rigid and sad. You were ripe like fresh fruit ready for plucking. You were everything he wish he could still be. Perhaps he could get just a brief taste of happiness being with you, inside you.

Once his jeans and boots were shed, Joel tossed you onto the bed, watching with hungry eyes as your tits bounced with the movement. He was on you in a flash, hands and mouth exploring every inch of your body. Sharp teeth scraped against your puckered nipples, making them impossibly harder, and the sensation shot a bolt of pleasure right down to your core, where the weight of his hardened cock rested, twitching for attention.

Nails scraped down his chest and belly until you reached his cock, slipping your slender hand around the heft of him. He was huge – both long and thick, a combination you’d not experienced before, and your mouth watered with the desire to taste him. If you only had one night together, you wanted to make it a memorable experience.

It took great effort to get Joel to detach his lips from your breasts, the whine that emanated from him as you did so had you downright aching for him.

“What are you doin’, darlin’?” his deep voice rumbled, dark eyes rolling back in his head when you moved down his body and slipped your plush lips around the head of his cock. “Oh, fuck!”

After spending so long living in hell, your mouth felt like heaven as you licked and sucked on his length.

“Wait, doll, I wanna try somethin’.”

Sitting up against the aged headboard, Joel grasped the wine glass and brought it down to rest on his belly. Two thick fingers dipped into the dark red liquid and swirled, coating every bit of surface area from fingertip to second knuckle before he brought his drenched fingers down towards you. His hand hovered over his cock and you both watched as droplets of translucent ruby red liquid dripped onto his hardened flesh.

Your mouth watered as you watched him repeat the process, eager to taste the heady mix of the bitter tang of wine and his salty pre-cum. Ravenous, you slurped at the liquid trails running down the length of his cock before lapping at the bulbous head, leaving no hint of wine behind as you wrapped your lips around him.

Joel was a panting mess when you took him as far as you could, his weeping head hitting the back of your throat. The glass of wine was forgotten, slipping from his hand to stain the hardwood floor next to the bed. That was a tomorrow problem as you focused on devouring his beautiful cock. He was close to the edge within minutes, the sensations too much, and he pushed you off him none too gently, flipping you onto your back like you weighed nothing.

“My turn, darlin’,” Joel murmured, nestling his face between your legs. He’d been told that his current lifestyle was bad for his health, that all the drinking and smoking was hopeless. They weren’t wrong, but it felt like that was all he needed, the only thing that set him free from his sorrows. Now that he’d tasted you, he knew that was utter bullshit. You could so easily set him free if he got to have you, taste you every day. You were enough to change a man like him.

“Joel,” you mewled his name between long moans as his tongue teased at your clit, thick fingers exploring your folds before dipping inside you. He drew an orgasm from you effortlessly and you clawed at his back as the blinding flash of pleasure washed over you. “I need you inside me. Now. Please.”

He could refuse you nothing, shifting to hover over you. “Save me from myself,” he murmured against your lips as he sheathed himself inside your tight warmth. “You’re the only one who can.”

“Always,” you replied breathlessly, rocking your hips against his. Your mouths met in a kiss full of promise.

#joel miller #the last of us #joel miller x female reader #joel x reader #fanfic #pedro pascal #tlou #fanfiction #pedrostories

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

Best Intentions - Chapter Two

Pairing: Tom Bennett (World on Fire) x f!reader Warnings: Angst. Word count: ~3.2k

Summary: She deals with the fallout of what she saw at the garage and Tom asks a big question. Series masterlist.

Author's note: I don't have a tag list. Please follow @fics-by-ewanmitchellcrumbs and turn on post notifications. Community labels are for cops.

She rushes out to the back room once she gets to the shop, sitting down on a palate of unopened tins of beans, and puts her head in her hands. Having spent the entire walk from the garage trying her best not to cry, she has succeeded, but there’s a tightness in her chest and throat, and a heaviness in her heart.

The image of Tom brushing that woman’s hair behind her ear plays on a loop in her mind, the pit in her stomach feeling as though it widens a little each time. She wants nothing more than to go home and hide under the duvet, pretending it’s all just a bad dream.

Reality comes crashing back down when her mum calls out to her from the front of the shop. “Papers are all done! I’m off now, love. You at Tom’s tonight?”

God, she was supposed to go to Tom’s tonight. How could she now?

“N-no,” she calls back, trying her best to keep her voice steady, “I’ll come home once I’ve closed up.”

“Alright, well it’s corned beef hash for tea. I’ll see you later!”

The thought of food turns her stomach. She swallows thickly, pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes, pushing back the way her vision blurs with tears. “Be out front in a minute,” she shouts with more confidence than she feels. “Bye, mum!”

She lets out a heavy exhale once she hears the shop door open then close again, then leaves the back room, determined not to spare Tom a second thought for the rest of the day.

Easier said than done. As the morning bleeds into early afternoon, she feels like she can’t escape him.

She reaches into her pocket, looking for a pen to make a note of which sweets they need to reorder, when her fingers wrap around Tom’s lighter. She pulls it out, turning it over in her hands with a sigh, before placing it on the side of the till. There was no way she’d be going out of her way to give it back now. If he wants it he can get it himself.

There is a steady stream of customers throughout the day, all wanting sweets, newspapers, cigarettes, sugar and various other items, so her mind is given a brief respite. That is until near to closing, when she hears Lois call to her from the stairs that lead up to the flat.

“Would you give me a hand with the pram? These bloody stairs will be the death of me.”

She moves through to the back and up the stairs, smiling at little Vera as the toddler giggles to herself from where she sits in her pram. She grabs the end of it, lifting, and walks back down, as Lois carries the other end.

“You alright? You’re looking a bit peaky.” Lois says, once they’ve set the pram down and she wheels it out through the shop front.

She pauses, taken aback by the question, unsure of how to answer, she can’t possibly tell her the truth.

“Oh…yeah, fine, just a bit tired is all.” She replies with a weak smile.

As she looks up she’s met with the blue eyed stare of Lois, and her heart twists painfully.

Christ, her eyes are so much like Tom’s, it hurts to look at them. If only their lives weren’t so irrevocably entwined.

“Nearly closing time though, eh? Expect you won’t be so tired once you’re round at Tom’s,” she says with a knowing look. “Anyway, I’m off to Connie’s. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

She waves Lois off, flipping the closed sign as she shuts the door behind her, forcing the tears back yet again.

On autopilot, her feet move to take her in the direction of Tom’s flat once she’s locked up, and with agonising realisation she has to turn around and walk back in the direction of home.

She feels numb for the rest of the evening. The tea her mum has lovingly prepared is tasteless in her mouth and goes mostly untouched.

The image of Tom and the woman he was with continues to play on a loop in her mind, until finally she can no longer stand it and takes herself to bed, pulling the duvet firmly over her head.

She is bleary eyed and exhausted the following morning, dragging herself to the shop alongside her mum, to help with the papers. It’s not a job she usually helps out with, and if her mum thinks it odd that she’s suddenly lending a hand then she keeps it to herself.

A few hours later, the lunch hour rush has just died down and she’s tidying the paper sweet bags behind the counter when a familiar voice causes her to freeze.

“Thief!”

She looks up slowly, seeing Tom reach for his lighter beside the till. Her heart drums wildly inside her chest and she swallows thickly, not knowing quite what to say.

“When were you gonna give this back then?” He asks with a grin, before pocketing it. “Been having to light all my fags with a matchbook.”

She feels her skin heat up, biting back the bile and anger that surges up through her throat. How can he be so nonchalant?

“Yeah, sorry…” she says quietly, “I was gonna give it back but then…”

Then I saw you with another woman.

“...then I just didn’t,” she finishes, her voice sounding weak.

Tom quirks an eyebrow, eyeing her with suspicion. “You didn’t come round to mine last night,” he states matter of factly, drumming his fingers softly on the top of the shop counter.

“No,” she says, squirming, avoiding his gaze, keeping her eyes trained on the paper bags in her hands. “I just–”

“Didn’t?” He finishes for her, his eyes narrowing.

It’s then that she looks up, meeting his accusatory stare. How dare he be angry with her? She wants to give him a piece of her mind, and is about to open her mouth to do just that when Lois steps out from the back.

“Thought I heard the pair of you,” she says, rounding the counter. “What you both up to tomorrow night?”

“Depends on why you’re asking,” Tom says, with a smirk and a cock of his head.

“Cheeky!” Lois chides, swatting at him. “Connie’s managed to get us a spot singing at the Ducie tomorrow night, if you fancy it? Been a while since we’ve sung together, should be fun.”

She blanches, not quite knowing what to say, frantically wracking her mind for any excuse to say no. “Won’t you need someone to stop at home with Vera?”

“Your mum’s offered,” she says cheerily.

Shit. Of course she has.

“Oh…oh yeah, I’ll be there then,” she says reluctantly, a tight smile on her face.

“Looks like I will be an’ all then,” Tom says, eyeing her carefully, before looking back at his sister. “S’pose it can’t hurt to listen to your caterwauling if I can have a few pints at the same time.”

Lois rolls her eyes. “Don’t be late! We’re on at seven.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Tom raises his eyebrows and then turns his attention back to her as she stands awkwardly behind the till. “Will I be seeing you tonight then?”

She purses her lips, inhaling deeply through her nose. She doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t, simply shaking her head.

“Right”, he says curtly, “tomorrow it is then. Dinner break’s almost over, I’d best be getting back.”

Her shoulders relax once he’s finally gone, and she feels like she can breathe again. There is a part of her that regrets not having it out with him, but she knows her mum’s shop isn’t the place for it. She hopes her rejection of him stings just as much as what she’d been privy to yesterday morning.

Lois looks at her curiously over her shoulder as she moves to go back upstairs. “Something going on there?”

“No,” she replies, going back to tidying the sweet bags, “nothing at all.”

The Ducie Arms is busy when she arrives on Saturday evening, and she finds herself grateful for how hot, crowded and loud it is, no chance of needing to have any awkward conversations.

She keeps a firm grip on her pint glass, eyes scanning the crowd. Those not sitting around tables chatting have gathered near to the pub’s small stage, waiting for Lois and Connie’s set to begin.

She sighs inwardly as she spots Tom in her peripheral vision. He sidles up to her uncertainly, leaning in to be heard above the rowdiness around him.

“Knocked for you on the way here, your mum said you’d left already.”

His breath against the shell of her ear causes her to shudder, and her hold on her glass tightens, focusing on the feeling of the moisture of the condensation that’s gathering on the outside of it to ground herself.

“Didn’t realise you wanted to walk here together, sorry”, she says, keeping her gaze fixed straight ahead.

His nostrils flare slightly, a sign he’s getting annoyed. She bristles, expecting him to say something hurtful, just like he always does when he loses his temper.

“Drink?” He asks, surprising her so much that for a moment her composure almost slips.

She blinks rapidly, taking a deep breath to steady herself. “Got one, thanks” she replies, holding up her pint glass.

“Right. Suit yourself,” he tells her, before pushing through the crowd to the bar.

She is certain that Lois and Connie’s voices harmonise beautifully together, though she is unable to focus on any of the songs they sing. Tom’s intense, annoyed stare feels as though it’s burning a hole in the side of her head. Every time she glances over, he’s staring at her, clearly not paying any more attention than what she is.

As soon as their final song comes to a close, and she’s given them an obligatory clap, she makes a beeline for the doors of the pub, eager to get away.

The relief of the cool night air against her skin is short-lived, as the doors swing back open and Tom follows her out.

“Walk you home?” He offers, hands in his pockets.

“Nah, I’ll be fine, go back inside,” she tells him, beginning to walk away.

Tom jogs ahead, rounding on her, blocking her path. “What the fuck is up wi’ you?!” He stares angrily down at her.

“Nothing, why?” She lies with a shrug.

“You’re acting weird, things aren’t right between us,” he says, sidestepping to stop her retreat.

“We’re mates, aren’t we?” Her voice is meek, in direct conflict with the neutrality she wants to convey. 

“I dunno,” he huffs, “are we? You’ve barely said two words to me the last couple of days, you won’t come round to the flat–”

“Pretty sure you’ve got someone else that can come round in my place,” she snaps, cutting him off.

Tom’s brow furrows, his lips pulling back in confusion. “What are you on about?”

Three days’ worth of pent up emotions erupt as she shouts at him. “I fucking saw you, Tom! Came by the garage to give you your lighter back on Thursday morning and saw you with some woman. You were all over each other!”

His expression remains frozen in confusion for a moment, before his eyebrows raise, realisation dawning, and he lets out a soft chuckle. “You’re mardy over that? You’re jealous?!”

Her fists clench at her sides, her body hot with a mixture of anger and humiliation. She’s unsure whether she wants to smack him or burst into tears. “Oh, piss off!” She spits, pushing past him and striding away down the street.

“Wait!” He calls out after her, quickly catching up with her in long strides. “It’s not what you think, I promise. It’s just…” he sighs, “...they tip if I flirt with them.”

She scowls, nose wrinkling in disgust, not slowing her pace. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?!”

“It’s just flirting, nothing more than that, I swear. I’ve been saving the tips, I figure one day the money will come in handy.”

While it’s a relief to hear he hasn’t been messing around with other women, her feelings still weigh heavily upon her, and it’s clear Tom can see it too.

“What else is botherin’ ya?”

She stops, sighing and running a hand through her hair. “What are we doing, Tom? What is this? Mates don’t get jealous like this.”

His face immediately softens, he reaches for her hand, and she lets him. “The money I’ve been setting aside, it’s for the future, our future. Not as mates, whatever you want us to be.”

“Tommy, I–”

“No, wait! I’ll do you one better. It’s Sunday tomorrow, so the shop’s closed, yeah?”

She nods.

“Good, don’t go out. I’ll come to yours tomorrow, show you exactly what it is that we’re doing.”

This time it’s her turn to stare at him in confusion, her lips pressed in a tight line. “What are you gonna do?”

“Just trust me, alright?”

Tom walks her the rest of the way home in silence, a plume of smoke billowing out behind him from his lit cigarette.

When they reach her front door, he leans down and presses a soft kiss to her forehead. The sensation of having him in such close proximity once more makes her tummy flutter. The gesture is so tender that she feels annoyed at how easy it is for her to forgive him. How can she be angry at him when he looks at her like that, like he needs her?

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah. Night, Tommy.”

“Night, darlin’,” he says with a wink, before walking off down the street.

Her mind races with the possibilities of what he could have planned as she goes to sleep that night. 

The following day she’s filled with nervous energy, unable to keep still as she waits for him to arrive. Unfortunately for her, he isn’t prompt with his arrival and it’s not until she sits at the kitchen table with her mum to peel potatoes for their tea that she hears the door knock.

The potato and peeler she’s holding both clatter to the table top, the legs of the chair scraping noisily against the kitchen floor as she stands abruptly, rushing to answer the front door, wiping her hands on her skirt.

“Your mum in?” Tom asks, as she opens the door, eyes bright and a confident smile on his face.

“Yeah, why?” She asks, eyes narrowing slightly. If he’s come round to ask for a quickie on the sofa she’ll slam the door in his face.

“Need to speak to her,” he says airily, brushing past her.

Her suspicion turns quickly to confusion as she trails after him into the kitchen. Her eyes feel as though they’ll bulge out of her head with shock as she sees him get down on one knee in front of her mum.

“Tom, what-”

He holds up a hand to silence her, continuing to look at her mum. “I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

Her mum’s eyebrows shoot up into her hairline, she looks wide eyed from Tom to her, then back again.

For a moment she’s too stunned to speak, and when she finds her voice again it’s quiet and shaky. “Tommy, get up. Please.”

He stands slowly, unsure of himself as his fingers twitch by his sides. She knows that if he had his lighter to hand right now he’d be flicking it.

“I just…I know it’s the proper thing to ask your dad, but he’s not around anymore. Wanted to do right by ya,” he says, and suddenly he’s that little boy again, apologising for pretending to spit in her hair.

“Can we talk?” She asks, her eyes soft with sympathy.

He nods, his gaze lowered and walks out of the kitchen.

“Sorry, mum,” she says, “I’ll explain later, okay? Just need to pop out for a bit.”

Her mum huffs a soft laugh, continuing to peel potatoes. “Fine by me, love.”

They sit on their wall. The same wall that has been a part of so many moments in their lives as they’ve passed sweets back and forth. This time it’s a ring box that Tom passes to her.

She opens it, looking at the delicate gold band nestled within. “It’s beautiful,” she whispers.

“I know it’s not much to look at,” he says apologetically, “was hoping to have a bit more time to save up for something more flash, but maybe I can have a diamond or something added to it once I’ve got the money.”

Her eyes look up from the ring box to Tom. His gaze is so pleading it makes her heart ache and what she’s about to tell him is twice as difficult. “Tom, I can’t marry you.”

“Why not?” He asks, a frown tugging at his brows.

“Because we can’t just jump straight from whatever this is into marriage,” she explains gently, “we’ve never even courted.”

“Courted?!” He says mockingly, a laugh escaping him. “Who d’you think you are?!”

She can’t help the small smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth, as she looks away, embarrassed. “Don’t take the piss.”

“Come on, you and me, it makes sense.”

She chews her lip anxiously. She hates this, hates knocking him back. “We’ve just been mates up until now, you’ve always said that, why do you suddenly want a wife?”

Tom sighs, rolling his eyes. “Just try the ring on, see if it fits.”

“Us getting married isn’t going to suddenly fix everything, Tommy, you’re not well.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

The anger that flashes in his eyes as his jaw ticks and he stares her down causes her to shrink away from him. He’s never looked at her like that before, it frightens her.

“Since you’ve been back, you’re not the same,” she says quietly, turning the ring box around in her hands, “you’re not well. I think–”

“Don’t you fucking dare say shell shock, I swear to god,” he grits out lowly.

“I didn’t say that, I just think you need to speak to someone. Getting married isn’t going to fix anything, Tom,” her tone is pleading, desperate.

“Everything I’ve done, all of it, has always been for you,” he says bitterly. “The thought of coming back to Longsight, back to you, was all that kept me going on that fucking ship. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend the rest of my life with, but if you’re able to look at me and not feel the same way then maybe we’re not doing what I think we’re doing.”

A lump forms in her throat, as a void opens in her chest. “What are you saying?”

He swallows, sniffing, fingers drumming nervously on his knees. “Maybe we’re not mates, maybe we’re not anything.”

“Are you finishing with me?” Her voice wobbles, betraying the tears she’s holding back.

“Dunno,” he shrugs, tone suddenly callous as the mask goes back up, “are you giving that ring back?”

She doesn’t want this. Not like this. She sniffs back her tears, cringing at how pathetic the single syllable sounds as it passes her lips. “Yes.”

He exhales, his expression hateful as he nods slowly, taking the box back. “Then yeah, I’m finishing with you.”

Tom jumps down from the wall, walking quickly away and she watches him go. The tears that she’s spent the past four days pushing down spill over in earnest, as her shoulders shake with the force of her sobs.

Not mates. Not anything.

#tom bennett #tom bennett x reader #tom bennett x y/n #tom bennett x you #ewan mitchell #tom bennett smut #tom bennett angst #tom bennett fan fiction #tom bennett fanfiction #tom bennett fan fic #tom bennett fanfic #tom bennett imagine #world on fire #world on fire fan fiction #world on fire fanfiction #world on fire fanfic #world on fire fan fic

[notiddygxthgf]

12. three months

★ pairings: plug!wakasa imaushi x f!reader

★ synopsis: the one where you have the hots for your dealer, and Wakasa is always eager to please a customer. (don't let your bf stop you from finding ur hubby)

★ content warning: smut, angst, lotta porn w a lotta plot, car sex, dealer wakasa, cheating, oral sex, sneaky link, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering, sex while high, consensual drug use, mentions of abuse, unprotected sex, so much more...

★ a/n: so.... I have definitely been on hiatus. So so so sorry about that my little pookie bookies. life has been so cray cray lately. ur fave premed student has been struggling ngl. but I'm back up on my grind and I'm cranking out these chapters again! This one took a while to write because its definitely not a writing style I'm used to, but I needed to get this out to get to the good good. waka girlies, u will enjoy this chapter... I'm not spoiling but, stay tuned!!! love u allllll

★ w.c.; who even knows bru

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BLACK STILETTO HEELS CLICKED AGAINST linoleum, one after the other – the sounds rhythmic and soothing. You could faintly hear the fabric of your pencil skirt rustling as your thighs rubbed together, strutting down the aisle of the office with confident ease. You ran these streets. Least, that’s what it felt like when you came down that aisle every morning after you clocked in.

Right. Let’s run it back.

Three months had passed since your last meeting with Wakasa. You had taken some time to mull the whole thing over, and while a part of you wanted to hate him, you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

Three months of thinking, eight months of loneliness, three months spent repeating the same day over and over again. Three months at a job you didn’t really like, trying to make ends meet after Takeomi had cut you off.

Three months without him .

The unopened message sat in your phone the way it had been since you’d sent it. It seemed like years, now, that you had been running your tired gaze over the small field of text below the drunken mash of letters you had sent.

Read 12:01 AM

Swishing the burgundy booze around the bottom of your glass, you rested your head against the cold, unforgiving surface of the bar table. 

You swiped your ID through the reader, punching out for the day. Pocketing the little card and lanyard, you continued onward. You came up to an elevator, same one you used every day. You pressed the same buttons to get down to the same door you left through every day.

Every day.

With a quick nod of your head, you greeted your coworker – who was on her way in just as you were making your way out. You weren’t too big of a fan of her, in all honesty. You felt she was too superficial. Then again, who wasn’t in a place like this?

You were making good money, though. That’s all that mattered.

The rush of cool air that greeted you as you pushed past the gold-rimmed office doors provided a brief respite from the stuffy office. The city streets stretched before you, bustling with activity as people hurried by.

You took a deep breath.

Heels clicking against the pavement with every step, you walked with a purpose. The air of confidence you strived to exude seemed to mask your internal turmoil – feelings you felt were much better left unsaid, feelings that had been bottled away in the cellar of your mind for the past three months.

Three months of repetition.

Three months of regret.

Three months spent trying to remember the intricate valleys and curves of his body, the small features you had come to adore.

Three months spent trying to forget him.

Though you had struggled initially with your feelings toward Wakasa, you couldn’t really bring yourself to hate him. You had spent a good quarter of a year mulling it over in your head, breaking your last interaction with him into microscopic bits and pieces.

You had concluded that he had done it to protect you.

You knew he had been right to an extent but, shit… a man of his standing should have been able to find a way to make it happen…

…right?

You hadn’t heard much about Takeomi since the fight with him and Waka. Not even a peep. You didn’t know whether to feel alarmed about that or not.

You felt like you were being watched from a distance. Always. It felt like you were trapped in a never-ending cycle.

With your phone in hand, you dialed the number for a cab. The familiar anticipation began to build again while you waited for the vehicle to arrive. 

On the streets below, the city lights flickered to life, casting an amber glow on the sidewalk. You looked around for a moment, and then something piqued your attention.

Vrrrr.

There was a deep, rumbling sound in the distance, one that seized your heart in its grasp. For a moment, you were right back where you had been eight months ago. Your eyes searched the street until they fell upon a motorcyclist who had slowed to a stop in front of your building. Well, not in front of it, across the street. 

The sight of the rider stirred a pang of nostalgia deep within you.

In that split second, memories flickered through your mind. Memories of stolen laughter, hidden kisses… Memories of hushed promises against soft lips, some broken and some kept. His silhouette triggered an unexpected surge of hope.

You strained to see the rider’s face, heart racing. You yearned for that familiar, lazy gaze – the warmth it once held. 

But as he popped the helmet off of his head, it wasn’t blond hair that fell over his shoulders. No, just regular old brown hair and a stubbly face. 

It’s not him.

The realization hit you like a punch to the gut.

Your gaze fell. 

The cab’s arrival disrupted the moment, its tires screeching against the pavement until it came to a stop by the curb. With a weighted sigh, you climbed into the cab.

Your heart throbbed with a bittersweet ache. As the cab pulled away, you couldn’t help but wonder about the chances you wished you had taken with Wakasa, the what-ifs that lingered in the recesses of your mind. 

The cab carried you away from the scene, leaving behind the phantom of a love that had become a haunting memory.

-

The cold, yellow liquid felt refreshing as it burned its way down the back of his throat, that familiar acidic texture eating away at his stress. He sighed, setting the glass down on the counter.

As the bittersweet elixir numbed his senses, the pulsing beats of the club melted away, merging with the cacophony of laughter and chatter all around him.

Lost in a haze of intoxication, Wakasa let out a heavy sigh, setting the glass down on the counter with a thud. His friends eyed him up warily, faces etched with that familiar look of concern. He heard voices, people telling him to slow down, to regain control.

Of course, he paid them no heed. Glazed eyes reflecting a distant detachment, senses dulled from the liquor… worries numbed, just the way he liked it. In that numbing embrace, he found solace. Time and time again.

“I think you need a therapist, man,” Benkei whistled, nursing his own strawberry margarita. “If you’re still hung up over a hook-up this long after the fact, there’s something wrong with you.”

He pushed his friend’s concerns aside with an air of indifference and a quiet hum, too caught up in the muffled chaos of his own mind to truly acknowledge his worries.

“I think you need ‘ta hop off my dick,” He retorted, pursing his lips. “I know what I’m doin’, Kei. ‘M 27 years old.”

Benkei knitted his brows, muttering something into his margarita along the lines of, “Sure don’t act like it.”

“‘M fine, guys. Promise,” He smiled, although it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He knew he hadn’t been himself in a while, of course, but he would be damned if he admitted that. “What, a man can’t drink in peace?”

“No, Waka, the problem isn’t you drinking in peace,” Shin added matter-of-factly. “‘S the fact that that’syour eighth beer of the night.”

Waka glanced down at the half-empty drink in his hand – or half full, depending on how you looked at it – as if he, too were surprised at the number. “‘S Friday night, anyway. Go hard or go home.”

Waka thought he had put on a good show. He thought that, if Shin squinted hard enough, he could mistake him for a sober man. 

He thought wrong.

Shin shook his head, “It’s fuckin’ Thursday, man.”

Although he refused to acknowledge it verbally, he knew Shinichiro had brought up a good point.

Who was he kidding, anyway? It didn’t help. None of it did. The booze, the clubs every weekend, the faceless hookups and lap dances – none of it distracted him from the mess you had made in his heart.

Three months.

“It’s okay to admit you need help, Waka, y’know we love ‘ya,” Shin tilted his head. “Seriously.”

“Honest to God,” Benkei hummed.

The whole world knew he was a mess. Why couldn’t he just admit that something was wrong?

Waka ran his tongue over his teeth like the sharpened edge of a blade. He almost hoped it would draw blood. Anything to make him feel something.

“I…” He hummed, trailing off for a moment. “I think I need one more shot, then I’ll go home.”

Benkei shook his head.

Shin looked disappointed. Still, Waka couldn’t quite bring himself to care. 

Not even when his two friends had to carry him home.

-

[ 2:00 AM ]

Outgoing Message - 2:00 AM

You get home safe? 

.

Incoming Message - 2:00 AM

Yeah man. Thx 4 askin.

He holdin’ up ok?

.

Outgoing Message - 2:00 AM

He’s alr now, im staying w him tn

Gotta make sure he don’t puke in his sleep

Lol

.

Incoming Message - 2:00 AM

This ain’t healthy for him…

.

Outgoing Message - 2:00 AM

Ik… we gotta do smth man

.

Incoming Message - 2:00 AM

Ik, h8 2 see him like this

.

Outgoing Message - 2:01 AM

Idk i mean my lil sis is friends w her i think?

It may be time for ummm

.

Incoming Message - 2:02 AM

An intervention lol?

You know how Waka feels ab us gettin involved w his antics

.

Outgoing Message - 2:02 AM.

Not us.

I know a way

.

Incoming Message - 2:02 AM

It don’t involve Take’s ex girl, do it?

.

Outgoing Message - 2:03 AM

Jus follow my lead, alr?

.

Incoming Message - 2:03 AM

… I don’t like where this is headin, shin.

But I trust u.

Delivered.

-

[ USER CALL LOG ]

Best Bud (Waka)....... (Incoming) 5:00 PM (30 sec)

Lil sis (Emma) ………. (Outgoing ; declined)  2:10 AM 

Lil sis (Emma) ………. (Outgoing ; received) 2:11 AM (26 mins)

Benkei …………………. (Outgoing ; received) 2:12 AM (1 min)

Shibuya Pizzeria ……. (Outgoing ; received) 2:30 AM (1 min).

[ END OF USER “Papi Sano”S CALL LOG]

.

-

.

[2:05 AM]

[Automated]: you have 3 new messages. Play back?

[USER] Selected:

[NO] …

… [View Inbox]

…

[ Last 3 Months ].

[REPLAY>>] Message from ‘Pretty Thing’.

Transcription:

“ Hi Waka, It’s me… I know ‘s… [hiccup] been a while. I’m- Just. Wanted to let you know that I’m in the area. And, first of all… fuck you, for what you did to, to me, you– ugh. You bastar- [hiccup] -d. I’m calling to let you know that I’m much better off without you. Me and my girls are havin’ a ball… a… a ball here tonight. Without you…….. Ugh, who am I kidding. I don’t even know why I called you. You probably haven’t even thought about me in months. I know I’m g’nna [hiccup] wake up tomorrow and forget I even sent this message so– [hiccup] just do me a favor, okay? You owe me that, after breaking my heart the way you did. Just forget you never saw this message, okay? Delete it. It’ll be better for both ‘f us if we just pretended this never happened. Fuck. How do I delete a voice message? I–

[???]: Girl, who are you talking to?

I gotta go, Waka, but… [sigh] I miss you. Okay? Fuck, I really miss you. I would never admit that sober. Thankfully I’m gonna delete this message before you ever see it, so it’ll be like it never happened. Not like I would have remembered anyway. Okay. Which button is it again? Ah, wait, shi –”

[ End of Message. ]

[Automated]: Would you like to play the next message?

[ No. ]

[ Play ]

[Automated]: Replaying message from ‘Pretty thing’.

-

The harsh neon lights buzzed against the night sky tonight at the Eclipse. Even from where you were standing on the curb, you could hear the bass throbbing through the pavement, the vibrations in the air, the smell of sweaty bodies grinding a few yards away. 

YOU  |  I’m here babe wya

Hitting send, you pocketed your phone. You took a deep breath, tightened your grip around the strap of your purse, and then stepped forward. The moment you entered the club, a wave of sound and sensation enveloped you. The air was thick with perfumes and colognes, the faint aroma of liquor lingering somewhere – probably the ground. 

Disco lights painted the crowd in fleeting bursts of colors, highlighting dancing bodies, dazzling outfits, and sin. 

In all honesty, you had no idea why Emma had even thought to invite you out here tonight. It had been eons since your last trip to the club. But, still, she said some event was happening and she didn’t want to go alone, and who were you if not the world’s best friend?

You searched the crowd for her familiar face and, sure enough, there she was, standing by the bar on the far end of the room. Blonde hair down to her back and a sweetheart dress that revealed just enough cleavage for you to know she was scouting out free drinks tonight, she was hard to miss.

You couldn’t help but smile as she waved you down wildly, gold bangles glinting beneath the club’s kaleidoscopic lights. There was an old song playing, one you couldn’t quite remember.

Emma’s grin only widened after you approached the bar and took a seat next to her. You scooted a little closer, cupping your hands over your mouth and shouting, “You weren’t kidding about this place!”

She laughed, a sound that you could almost hear in your head despite not being able to catch it over the music. “It’ll be fun! You brought ‘ya dancin’ shoes, right?”

Your eyes darted over to the dancefloor, where bodies writhed beneath the bass of the music. The sensation you felt was somewhere between excitement and hesitation. “I ‘dunno if I’m there yet, Emma– It’s been a while!”

“What?” Emma shouted. She rolled her eyes, glancing down at the other end of the bar. “I didn’t bring you here to mope, babe, we’re getting plastered!”

On cue, the bartender returned with two green drinks in hand, furnished with tiny little umbrellas. He set them down in front of the two of you, reached behind the bar, and then set two more red cocktails down before you.

“Let’s get this party started!” Emma squealed, sliding one of the green drinks your way. She held her drink in your direction, “To girls’ night!”

You clinked your glasses together in a toast.

Taking a cautious sip, you allowed the sweet concoction to flood your parched mouth. It was coconutty, with a hint of lime and –

The liquor hit you like a punch to the face. You scrunched your nose up, coughing a bit. 

“Shit, that’s strong,” You remarked.

“It’s a Coco Loco!” She answered the question you had yet to ask. “With two extra shots of rum! I knew you’d like it!”

You weren’t really a fan honestly, but you didn’t want to tell her that. Not after she had just spent money on drinks for the both of you.

“It’s good,” You said anyway. 

Emma clapped a hand on your shoulder, “That’s the spirit!” She exclaimed happily. Her makeup was creased a bit around the corners of her lips, where you knew she had been smiling all night. “Melt the pain away, girl.”

-

Wakasa stumbled out of the car, pulling his arm out of Shinichiro’s tight grasp. His annoyance was palpable in the way he kicked the car door shut behind him, paying no mind to the driver as he pulled away. He stood now on the edge of a bustling sidewalk in the middle of what might have been the shadiest-looking corner in Shibuya. He took a long drag from his cigarette, tendrils of smoke melting into the midnight blue around them.

“The hell are we doing at a seedy joint like this?” Waka grumbled, voice a low growl of discontent. With a scowl, he readjusted the collar of his deep purple dress shirt. 

Shinichiro bounced on the balls of his feet, stuffing his hands into his pockets with a sigh. His breath materialized into the air in front of him, a cloud of white amidst the darkness. 

“Figured we’d let loose a ‘lil tonight,” He spoke with such casualty that it almost came off as a little dismissive. He nudged Wakasa playfully, a humorous glint playing in his dark eyes. “Find some loose local girls for a quickie, yeah?”

Under any other circumstances, he would have been jumping at the opportunity. Seeing as he had spent the last few months attempting to drink his regrets away, however, he was anything but chipper at the prospect.

Waka’s annoyance only deepened, brows furrowing. He took another puff of his cig, blowing out the smoke with a quiet scoff. “I’m over fuckin’, man,” he groaned. “I’m goin’ celibate… startin’ today, no more bitches f’me.” 

“Like I’d ever believe that from you,” Shinichiro snorted, a subtle grin playing at the corner of his thin lips. He slung an arm over Wakasa’s shoulders. The height difference between the two of them was emphasized as they walked side by side. “Jus’ give it an hour, Waka,” he urged, tone oddly persuasive. “If you hate it, we can leave. If you don’t have a chick’s legs wrapped around your neck by the end of the night, I owe you fifty.”

Waka sucked his teeth, irritation melting away with newfound curiosity. “Might do it ‘jus to spite ‘ya,” He retorted.

“Right. Wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Shinichiro replied, a mischievous glint dancing in his eyes. There was something in his tone that raised Wakasa’s suspicion, the slightest feeling that Shinichiro might be up to something. “And don’t be bitchy with me ‘jus because I won’t let you pregame a fuckin’ liquor bar.”

Waka shot Shinichiro a fiery glare, cigarette ember glowing bright, before flicking the thing onto the ground in one deliberate motion. “Blow me,” he muttered beneath his breath. 

The two men stood in front of the club’s entrance. Wakasa slowed, locking his gaze onto the club’s exterior. Then, with a reluctant sigh, Waka entered the building.

-

As the night wore on, you found yourself lost in the spell of the music, lost in the endless sea of dancing, grinding bodies. The colored lights were hot against your sweaty skin. You knew the makeup would be melting off of your face by the end of the night if you kept going on at this rate. Hell, your mascara had started migrating already.

Emma’s Just-dance-inspired moves were contagious. The two of you were dancing on one another, performing a routine you seemed to remember all too well for someone who hated playing Just Dance so much.

The club seemed to ebb and flow like a living organism tonight.

You had lost track of time a long time ago. The songs had begun to bleed together seamlessly. Somewhere along the way, you lost your sweater. The dress you had decided to wear was stuck to your waist, plastered down with sweat. 

Yet, in spite of this, you were having more fun than you had anticipated.

Your flow was broken only when Emma grabbed you by the arm and led you to an empty corner. The both of you caught your breath.

Cheeks hot and flushed, you sighed contentedly, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, Emma, but you were right.”

“You havin’ fun, girly?” She giggled, giving you a playful sock in the arm. “Told you you’d feel better if you got out of the house.”

You nodded, feeling slightly liberated. She was right. You were actually kind of glad that you came out of your shell for tonight. 

Emma raised a playful brow. “You want to get a refresher?”

With a nod and a thin-lipped smile, you let Emma lead you over to the bar.

The two of you took a seat for the second time that evening, taking a moment to cool down and catch your breath. 

Emma turned her attention to the bartender – the same one she had just tried to hit on 30 minutes ago, “Two waters, please,” She ordered.

You tuned the bar out after that. Feeling a little melancholic, your eyes scanned the scene. The lights, the bodies, the music, the drinks. It was all so… messy. Yet, still, there was that unmistakable electricity in the air tonight.

Just as you were about to turn back to Emma, your gaze locked onto a figure against the wall. Immediately the recognition set in, and your heart skipped more than a few beats. It seemed to stop altogether.

There, standing in the dim corner, the lights danced over his familiar features – pretty button nose, downturned eyes, arched brows. His hair was back in a messy bun tonight. Even now, he had that passive, unamused look on his face.

He looked exactly the same as he had the day he closed the door on you.

Well, if you want to be technical, you closed the door on him, but you meant that in the metaphorical sense.

His piercing eyes scanned the crowd with a touch of his signature indifference. He exuded an air of mystique, momentarily entrancing you all over again.

And even now, three months later, his effect on you had not wavered.

Emma’s touch on your arm brought you back to the present, breaking the spell he had cast. “Hey,” She asked, concern evident in her voice. “You good?”

Your eyes were drawn back to the entrance, and your heart sank when you spotted your blond, ex-situationship once again. Panic surged through your veins immediately, seizing your lungs. It felt as if the walls of the club had gotten much smaller, all of a sudden.

Waka was standing there by the entrance, only a few yards away, with Shinichiro by his side. He looked every bit as breathtaking as you remembered him to be.

And he was looking right at you.

He can’t see me.

I need to hide.

He can’t see me.

You whipped your head back around towards your friend, flashing her a faux smile. “I’m gonna,” You swallowed, voice unsteady. “I’m gonna go back to the floor.”

Without even waiting for a response, you turned abruptly and slid off of the barstool. Your pulse was racing as you pushed through the wall of bodies behind the bar and made a beeline for the dance floor.

Emma was calling after you. You didn’t care.

The urgency to put distance between you and your past had consumed you whole. The bass pounded in your ears, matching the rapid thrum of your heartbeat. The music drowned out her voice as you merged with the sea of people once again.

Squeezing your eyes shut, you tried your best to lose yourself in the rhythm. Your movements were a frenzied, frantic mess of anxious movements. This time, when the lights flickered over you, the shadows they cast brought back memories of your history, your mistakes. 

I will not let him ruin my night, you told yourself.

Yet, still, you dared one last glance around. 

It was to scout the area for a suitor. That’s what you told yourself. 

Subconsciously, however, you searched for Waka amidst the colorful, blurred throng. Your heart began to race again when you spotted him by the bar, head turning slowly, eyes flitting over the club scene. It looked like he was searching for something.

The realization hit you like a train.

He’s looking for me.  

a/n: aaaand we are back with another cliffhanger! I'm so sorry. i have been, so bad to u all lately. life has been crazy! I think I may be shadowbanned, idk, I still dk how tumbly works. anyway! I did not like writing this chapter but it was a totally necessary segway into the next one, which will be very very very very very... jus trust me yall will love it. you know the drill, leave comments, suggestions, anything in down below and I will like, cry reading ur messages as always. Next chap is gonna be my fave like everrrr omg...

I obviously do not own tokyo revengers or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

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#notiddygxthgf ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ #party monster ⋆ ★ #wakasa #wakasa imaushi #imaushi wakasa #wakasa x reader #imaushi wakasa x reader #wakasa imaushi x reader #wakasa x you #wakasa smut #wakasa fluff #slow burn #sano shinichiro #tenjiku #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev x you #tokyo rev x reader #bonten #IT GETS GOOD I SWEAR plz dont hate me for this chap

[catscidr]

Hallo... can I get some fluff for akademiya dottore where he, fem!reader, and a couple others are on an expedition and eventually dottore finds himself falling for reader cuz they share like all the same interests... 😊 eventually he confesses to reader and reader accepts happily. smiles :)

i. note — if akademiya dottore has ten lovers, i am one of them. if akademiya dottore has one lover, that's me. if akademiya dottore has zero lovers, i am dead. (๑•̀ㅂ•́)ง✧ also i meant to finish this like a week ago but shit happened n then i was bleeding in yamcha pose™ in my bed........ My Apologies ii. includes — akademiya era dottore (zandik), fem!reader and a very special friend :) iii. warnings — nothing but friendly banter and tooth rotting fluff amen. also not proofread we die like [redacted] iv. wc — 3,2k -> also on ao3 if u prefer to read fics there

You wish you had slammed your door shut the second you saw who was on the other side earlier today. Instead of having a relaxing, free day, you were out on a hike with people whom you were acquainted with at best and with one of the biggest enigmas in the Akademiya, Zandik. If it wasn’t for your curiosity and deep yearning for an answer as to why he sought you out specifically to go out on an expedition, you wouldn’t have accepted— but alas. Here you were, sweating your body mass away in the humid, sticky weather of Sumeru. 

The group only got to the other side of the bridge leading out of the city, right after passing through an old tree trunk serving as a makeshift overpass, when you had to take a break. It wasn’t your fault you weren’t used to walking for long periods of time; being a Rtawahist student meant you didn’t need to go outside of the city as much as other darshans. You weren’t the only one that held that sentiment though, so you all (thankfully) took a brief moment of respite before heading on. 

You’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t enjoy the scenery at least a little bit. Even though your arm was starting to get sore from shielding your eyes from the bright sun, the flora almost made it worth it. The air felt crisp on your skin and in your lungs, the distant sound of a flowing waterfall was washing away the tension in your shoulders, and you started to think that maybe you should spend more time outside. Watching the water near the mystic domain in the area of Chatrakam Cave, you start to ponder if it would be worth it to go for a dip to cool off while everyone else discusses where to go next... 

“Hey.” 

An impatient voice rips a yelp out of you, pulling you right out of your daydreams. Minty hair obscures the sun, giving your arm a much-appreciated break from shielding your eyes. “We have places to be, you know. Are you ready to go or do I have to leave you out here for eremites to rob you?” 

Blinking away the initial shock, you scoff at your schoolmate’s bluntness and drag yourself up to your feet. “And you wonder why you don’t have any friends,” you huff under your breath, patting away any dirt that had stuck to your uniform. Zandik rolls his eyes and frowns, sharp canines looking more akin to a puppy’s maw than a shark’s. “I don’t wonder why I don’t have any friends, mind you. I already know why I don’t have any,” he retorts, turning away from you to walk away. You grumble ‘sure you do’ quietly under your breath before catching up to him, glancing at the others in your group. “Guys, wait for us!” 

You watch them begin to walk along the left side of the intersection and go to follow them before the aforementioned boy grabs your wrist, stopping you in your tracks. “Where do you think you’re going? You’re supposed to follow me. Or did you forget who invited you in the first place?” Yeesh, talk about a short fuse. Being (mostly) used to his sharp remarks, you manage to push down the urge to bite the bait he had laid out for you. “I mean, it’s not like you told me where we would be going or why I’m here. Besides, aren’t we supposed to stay grouped up? Professors have always warned us about Rishboland Tigers roaming outside the-” Zandik cut you off by tugging you towards him, away from the group of students. 

“The stuff I need is over this way,” he said quietly. Irritation seeped through his pores, though for what reason you didn’t know. Wriggling your wrist out of his (lax) grip, you pick up your pace just enough to catch up to his long legs. The cliff to your left provided some nice shade, but the more he led the way the more he picked up the pace. You didn’t even have time to ask about your schoolmates— though it seemed like they were fine with you two splitting up from the group, anyways. 

“Stop going so fast! Hey- what's up with you all of the sudden?!” 

You place a hand on his shoulder in a poor attempt to stop his run for answers. Zandik shushes you with a harsh glare and his index to his mouth, earning himself a baffled expression from you. “What is your problem today?” you hiss, voice quieter than before. Too busy glaring holes into the back of his head, you fail to see the focused and starry eyes your friend had as he looked ahead. He stops walking abruptly, making you bump into him with an elegant ow fuck! Your face had met his nape, minty hair tickling your forehead as you step back to rub the ache away from your nose. 

“I don’t feel like playing charades, Zandik. Seriously, what’s up with y-” he hushes you with a hand motion, frustration boiling in your gut. Ready to give him a piece of your mind, you step to the side to stand next to him; what you didn’t expect to see a few feet in front of him were sentient mushrooms— fungi, hopping and playing around a cluster of ores. 

“...they look like matsutake,” you whisper, glancing at Zandik to catch a glimpse of his face. He crouches down and you follow suit, silently observing the fungi alongside him. There were three in total; they all seemed to be standing still, occasionally... wriggling in place, a dim green light emanating from their thick stems. “Are they feeding on the iron?” you murmur, dumbfounded. Since when did mushrooms eat rocks? 

“They’re absorbing nutrients from the ground. It just so happens that there are an abundance of it around ore clusters,” Zandik explained, the lack of condescension in his tone puzzling you. “How do you know that? You’re not an Amurta student.” Though you couldn’t deny that seeing the fungi in their natural habitat was captivating, even if they were still just living mushrooms. 

The boy exhales sharply, “I don’t care for the fungi themselves. It’s because—” leaves rustle, making him pause his sentence to look around, checking if anyone was listening. When the coast is clear he continues, “they’re... related to ley lines.” You peel your gaze away from the sentient vegetables to look at your friend with a look that clearly displayed your confusion. As the cogs turned in your brain though, you start to piece things together and come up to your own hypothesis about his claim. 

“That makes... sense. They’re part of the forest, so it would make sense if they were extensions of ley lines since they’re kind of like roots...” you mutter your train of thoughts out loud, grabbing a stray stick to draw on the ground. Your sketch was... lackluster, but it got the point across. “Trees are rooted to the ground, and mushrooms grow on trees or around them—” you point at the messy “drawing” of a fungi you just made, “but if they gain some elemental energy from nearby ley lines, then they’ll become sentient!” 

As you exclaim your new discovery, your eyes meet Zandik’s carmine ones— and your face flushes once you realize he had been staring at you this whole time. A choked noise of surprise rips itself out of your throat, the noise startling the fungi nearby, making them scurry away further along the dirt path. He smacks your head, “I told you to be quiet!” 

You don’t have time to protest because a horde of fungi run up to you— so many of them that you couldn’t even take the time to count. A string of curses fly out of Zandik’s mouth, and as he scrambles to get up, he grabs your wrist, pulling you up to your feet to run. “They look harmless, but they can seriously injure you if they’re in a group— book it!” he shouts, jumping up on a moss-covered rock, climbing up on the hill going around the path blocked off by the fungi. He helps you up quickly and you both make a dash for it, in the hopes that they’ll stop coming after you. 

You’re grateful that the sun had started to set before you and Zandik got ambushed, at the very least. The sky had turned a beautiful shade of indigo, orange and pink dotting the horizon and the clouds above. Without the sun sapping away at your energy you were able to get away scot-free and enjoy a breathtaking sunset; you hadn’t even noticed that Zandik was leading you somewhere, too engrossed in the familiar sight of the sky you had gazed into so many times. 

“Look over there,” he places a hand on your shoulder to grab your attention and you look as he points to a small group of fungi. Their shape looked more like drills than mushrooms, and they definitely lacked the “natural” camouflage that their other skin had, since they were white and periwinkle, and not dirt brown. A quiet woah leaves you as you look at them, brain working overtime once again. Zandik walks with you, slowly, away from the fungi before you can get attacked again. 

You begin to ramble about your theories to Zandik when you’re both far enough from the living vegetables, making grand, expressive gestures with your hands to emphasize your thoughts. The sound of your shoes crunching the grass beneath your feet, crickets chirping and the gentle evening breeze rustling the verdure around sound distant compared to the sound of your voice enthusiastically talking about the creatures you encountered. He absentmindedly scolds himself, wishing he had dragged you out of your dorm room earlier. 

“Nara Zandik!” a voice says from behind him. 

“Fucking Archons-” his head whips around to gawk at the culprit; a small, cyan colored mushroom creature. Completely oblivious to the newcomer, you halt your steps to look at Zandik’s mortified expression. “Why’d you stop?” 

The boy’s attention is torn between you and Ararycan, head spinning. Based on your reaction (or lack thereof), you couldn’t see it; which brought up the question. Should he tell you the truth— that there’s currently a “friendly” sentient mushroom right beside you, or should he lie through his teeth and say- 

“N-Nothing. Just keep going, I’ll catch up. I have, uh... a stomachache.” 

Zandik has never been a good liar, but deciding to spare him the embarrassment, you nod. “Alright. Shout if you need me!” You walk off, looking over the hill to admire the large trees below, more akin to giant lotus plant leaves than actual trees. Your form retreats far enough that Zandik’s sure you won’t hear him if he whispers. 

He looks down at the aranara, panicked red eyes meeting oblivious, beady black orbs and a smile that never faltered. “Why did you show up now?” Ararycan dismissed the harsh tone in which the boy spoke (or didn’t understand it); it didn’t care either way. The creature brimmed with optimism. “Nara Zandik should say what’s on his mind!” it says, little arms waving up and down. “The forest is happy, iron chunks are asleep, and the sky is bright! Why is Nara Zandik scared?” 

His brows furrow, lips curling into a pout as he murmurs, “I’m not scared.” The aranara blinks at him, still smiling- waiting. “I’m not,” he repeats, “it’s just... argh, what do I do? Why is my head so...” “Fuzzy?” Ararycan finishes, tilting its bulbous head to the side, the leaves on its head flopping over. Zandik grumbles, hands coming up to cover his face 

“Is the strange Nara nice?” it asks curiously, turning to look at your figure sitting on the hill a few meters away. You lean over carefully, observing the signs of life below; lanterns made from sticks and leaves, dirt paths separating in a multitude of directions and a small, round house with large leaves serving as a roof. Why you had never seen anything like this was a mystery to you, but you figured you’d just pester Zandik about it later since he was the one to bring you here. 

Zandik looks back down at his friend, his expression having softened from just a few moments ago. “Yeah. That’s why I’m being... stupid. What do I say?” 

Ararycan uses its tiny legs to turn back to look at the flustered boy, black eyes focused on scanning his face. “Talk to her about the sky!” it finally says enthusiastically, walking away before the boy can get a word in. “Hey-!” Little noises echo in the same rhythm as its footsteps, but right as Zandik turns around to ask something, the creature jumps up and disappears into the ground. A frustrated groan leaves Zandik’s gritted teeth, having resigned himself to the “advice” the aranara gave him. 

You hear light footsteps behind you, drowning out the noise of your thoughts as you look back to see Zandik grimacing at you. Or not— his eyes weren’t focused on you, but you happened to be in his line of sight, which made it look like he was judging you heavily. Giggling at him, you pat the grass next to you and shuffle away to give him some space. 

“Feeling better?” He remembers the excuse he gave you and cringes internally as he sits down, body stiff and awkward. “Yeah. Sure. Listen, uh...” Zandik trails off, losing his words. He sheepishly fiddles with the scarf draped over his shoulders, ears reddening the longer he stalls. You nudge his side with your elbow, “Did your stomachache affect your cognitive functions or something?” 

The comment slides off of him as if it were water and he was made up of extra virgin olive oil. What did Ararycan say? Talk about the sky... 

“Hey, can’t you see the stars clearly from here?” he manages to say, glancing up to look at the streaks of white in the welkin. You follow suit, mouth agape when you realize that you can, and the sky is so clear that you can see smudges of different colors in the sky. The navy backdrop was covered in soft shades of purple and blue, stars glistening so softly it was as if someone had gently and strategically placed them there. 

“Woah...” you whisper, your eyes sparkling just as brightly as the constellations. You point out the ones you recognize, eager to talk about your field of expertise. "This one right there is called Leptailurus Cervarius, it looks like a cat!” He leans over to look at where you pointed at and there it was, a small cluster of six stars. He couldn’t say that he saw the cat you spoke of, but he didn’t want to bum you out either. 

“It looks like it’s jumping,” he mutters. You turn to face him with a smile on your face, one that rivaled the brightness of the stars above your heads. He thought his heart would jump out of his chest and into your lap— but even then, he didn’t particularly mind if it did. “It is!” You nod quickly, pointing out more constellations with names he wasn’t even sure he would remember the next day. But he wanted to know more, to listen to you talk about the galaxy so much that he could be a Rtawahist student, too. 

You soon begin to grow drowsy, having spent most of your energy talking Zandik’s ear off (not to mention the sprint from earlier). As you wobble, struggling to hold yourself up, Zandik gently takes ahold of your head and places it on his shoulder. The fabric of his uniform felt comfortable, earning him a small smile from you. His mind drifts away for a moment— his heart clenched in his chest as he thought back to all the time he spent with you. 

From your roaring arguments about trivial matters to info dumping on each other, Zandik couldn’t help but wish you’d make more memories with him. Maybe it was selfish, but he didn’t like picturing someone else leaning their shoulder for you to doze off on. If he could be your pillow forever, he would take up the job in a heartbeat. 

...What? 

You jolt awake, surprised by Zandik’s sudden movement. He straightened his back, clearing his throat awkwardly. Thankfully there were any creatures around, or else you two would have gotten mauled already. 

“We should get back.” The suggestion draws a groan out of you as you stretch your arms over your head, flopping back onto the grass. It was slightly cold and soft enough to relax your limbs once again, sleep pawing at you desperately, “It’s nice here though.” 

Zandik pushes away whatever indecent thought had begun to brew in his head from seeing you laid on your back next to him. He carefully grabs the hem of your skirt and brings it down to cover your legs as he speaks, “You’ll catch a cold. Come on, we have to go.” 

You blow a raspberry at him, turning away. “Maybe you will but I won’t. I’m strong, I can easily fight off a measly cold,” and you flex an arm to prove your point. It doesn’t convince him in the slightest, and he pulls you up to your feet with him. You decide not to point out the way he struggled ever so slightly— he definitely wasn’t hiding any beefy muscles under his uniform. 

“Okay fine we’re going,” you huff while dusting off your skirt, “but you owe me!” 

“Owe you what? I’m not the bad guy here.” 

“Uh... a drink. You’re paying for my caffeine next time we go out,” you say, and Zandik rolls his eyes. Very typical of an Akademiya student. 

“Fine. It’s a date.” 

You nod quickly, eager to get a tasty drink and to save a handful of mora the next time you go out. Of course it’s not like drinks were that expensive in Sumeru, but it feels nice to be treated every once in a while- 

“A date?!” 

Some birds fly away in fear from the sheer shock your voice carried out. You gape at Zandik, cheeks flushed brightly and eyes wide like saucers. “Yeah. A date,” he repeats nonchalantly, a stark contrast from the way he was acting just shy of an hour ago. Gone was the nervous wreck that was Zandik. 

“If you don’t want a free drink, you can always refuse,” he teases, nudging you with his elbow in the same way you did with him when you were sitting on the hill overseeing the lotus leaf trees. You scoff, then shake your head, and scoff again in pure disbelief. You were stunned; dumbfounded, even. But the idea of a date didn’t sound as unappealing as you made it out to be. 

You glance away from him and mumble your answer. “What was that? I didn’t hear y-” 

“Fine, it’s a date!” 

He looks at you with a boyish grin, making your heart skip a beat. Was he always this handsome? The moonlight made his hair look ethereal, glowing almost pure white where the light shone directly on it. And his eyes— they looked irresistible. Crimson red orbs appearing to have more of a pink hue to them, though you weren’t sure if that was just your imagination. 

Zandik grabs ahold of your hand and matches his steps with yours as you make your way down the hill, back to where you found the familiar dirt path you had walked on when the sun still shone brightly in the sky. As you get closer to flat ground you notice a small horde of mushroom-shaped... mushrooms, and get hit by a wave of déjà-vu. Although asleep, the fungi were blocking the path back. 

“...How are we supposed to get back?” 

#୧ ‧₊˚orderup! #my laptop went in sleep mode twice while i was writing this #bc i was writing on my bed and had genshin open #to get the location right and also the mobs right #but its fine idc if it overheats anything for babygirl dottie #i really need to do my dailies now my resin's been capped for like two hours #c ya #genshin x reader #genshin x you #dottore x reader #dottore x you #dottore x fem!reader #dottore x afab reader #dottore fluff #genshin impact fluff

[rookthorne]

⠄⠂⠁⠁⠂⠄⠄⠂ 𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬, 𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬

The distractions of festivities irked Bucky like no other, especially when you were standing there as though you weren’t the woman of his dreams, innocently decorating the living room and the Christmas tree within it. 

You weren’t to know just how far he would push and prod, not until it was too late.

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 ✯ Mechanic!Bucky Barnes x F!Reader

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 ✯ 1.3k

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ✯ Fluff ჻჻჻ SMUT: Clit play, clit slapping, fingering (F recieving), implied piv ჻჻჻ KINKS: Praise, degradation, sir, hand, ring, breeding

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆 ✯ Do not ask me how or why this happened, just go with it.

჻჻჻჻჻჻჻჻ 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕 ✯ @rookthorne's Merry Buckmas — Masterlist

𝐇𝐢𝐬 𝐆𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

It was the day where you could finally decorate the tree in your own home, rather than the one in the garage, much to the boy’s collective relief — they truly were grinches, the lot of them. Bucky, however, seemed to be more than happy with the turn of events when you asked him to retrieve the small step ladder from the hall closet. 

And you soon learned why. 

Every time Bucky walked past you while you worked happily away in the living room, you would feel the brush of his palm over the small of your back, or a sharp poke into the muscles of your ass. You swatted each and every attempt away and it left him pouting like a scolded toddler. 

Eventually, he grew bolder.

“Baby, lemme pay attention to you, please.” His eyes shone under the lights from the Christmas tree — what little you managed to place while he constantly interrupted you, anyway. “Please?” The palm of one of his hands rubbed over the back of your thighs, teasing you with the way he’d inch higher, then move back down again. 

“That is my ass, Bucky,” you said sternly, and you continued with your task. “And I’m on a ladder. Leave me alone.”

“But…” 

You should have known there would only be a brief respite from his annoyances. 

“For fuck’s sake, Barnes,” you grumbled, heedless of the wobbling ladder you were stood on while your boyfriend decided to make his presence known once again, insistently so. “Please– Can you just wait for me to be done?”

Bucky huffed next to you and tightened his arms around your hips. The strength of his grip gave you the comfort of if the ladder toppled, you would at least have something holding you steady so you wouldn’t fall with it. “Like hell am I gonna pass up holdin’ my girl—‘specially not when her ass is right there. How dare you, Honey; how dare you act like I can’t pay attention to my girls.”

“Your girls?”

“Yeah,” he said, looking up at your face with a furrow between his brows. You stared down at him incredulously. “What?”

“Your girls–? I’m a woman, you idiot,” you hissed, and you ruffled his hair. 

“Fuck yeah y’are, not sayin’ you aren’t,” Bucky replied hastily, and he rested his chin on your side to better look up at you. “But my girls—they need lovin’!”

“Care to elaborate–” 

“This ass,” he said, moving one arm from around you to grab your left thigh, then your ass. “Then, my favourite–” The grip on your thigh shifted to cup your sex, and you squeaked when he pushed upwards, applying pressure against your already throbbing cunt. “But she’s patient, she can wait for later.”

“Is that so?” you rasped, blinking rapidly. “Goddammit, Buck–”

“I’m not finished.” 

Bucky’s hand left between your thighs and securely held your hip once more. “How you could deprive me, I swear–” He said, moving his other arm upwards and resting his palm over the cup of your bra. “You know I can’t leave my girls outta this, baby—you know better than that.”

You blew out a shaky breath and stared at him. “Why are you like this? I just want to decorate the tree–”

“Oh, I didn’t say you couldn’t, sweetheart,” Bucky assured, but a smirk danced on his lips; devilish and oh so tempting. “Jus’ hurry up, ‘kay?”

After grunting a noise of assent, you continued on, determinedly ignoring the way his hands wandered; far too close to where you wanted him, then too far away. It was beyond infuriating. 

“What’s wrong, Honey?” Bucky cooed. “Why you squirmin’?” 

The pure arrogance in his tone drove you further towards that cliff, and it became harder and harder to resist his toying — you wanted to desperately give in, to allow him to take what he wanted. 

You blinked — not even realising that you were shifting in place while Bucky’s hand moved closer to your heat. “I–”

“Nuh uh, I know what you need now, kitten.” The waistband of your pants and panties pulled against your skin while he forced his hand between your thighs. “Oh, Honey,” he purred, the pads of his index and middle finger running over your clit in perfect circles. “You’re already soaked—that desperate for your sir to fuck you?”

“No– No,” you moaned, grabbing his wrist. “Please– I have to–”

“You don’t have to do anythin’ but stand there and take it like the good girl I know you are,” Bucky growled, moving his fingers faster over the bundle of nerves. “Don’t you keep quiet on me, sweetheart,” he continued, and he pulled you closer to his chest. “I wanna hear what I do to you—how good it feels.”

“Fuck, fuck,” you gasped. The slick sound of Bucky’s fingers against your folds and clit added to the litany of pleasure, and the skin over your knuckles pulled taut with the force of your grip on his arm; crescent moons bloomed white over the dark tattoos along his forearm. “Sir, yes!”

Bucky hummed his approval, and moved his fingers faster, faster, and faster. Each pass over your clit made you violently shiver and jerk in his hold — the muscles in your stomach twitched, forcing you to bend inwards and into Bucky’s chest. “God– Yes, keep going, please!”

The sudden cool brush of metal over your swollen clit made you cry out, and he chuckled darkly. “I thought you might like that,” he rasped as the smooth surface hit your clit rhythmically. 

“You–” Your words were cut off by a moan, the feel of the cold metal something you’d longed to try.  “R– Rings?”

“Mhm,” he hummed, grinning wickedly at you. 

Moans and whimpers tumbled from your lips and there was no way to stop them — not when Bucky’s fingers strummed harshly over your clit, or his palm ground against you. 

“Sound so fuckin’ pretty, kitten,” Bucky praised, the muscles in his forearm tense under your grip. “‘Magine, just imagine, how good it would feel if I just forced my cock into you right now, huh? Force you to take it and then breed you—so much better than my hand, huh?”

“Need,” You gasped, whining loudly from the stimulation — the climax you felt building made you dizzy with desperation. “Please, I wan–”

Bucky’s hand slapped your clit and you jolted with the shock of it. “You wanna cum, kitten?”

“Hnng– Yes! Yes, pleasepleaseplease,” you begged, and you felt Bucky change the angle of his hand to force his fingers closer to your entrance. “Yes—need it, sir, fuck me–”

“Not gonna fuck you with my fingers today, Honey,” Bucky scolded, and you sobbed. “Don’t you worry, you’ll get to cum on my cock instead, but first–” The press of his fingers against your clit made you hiccup. “I want you to cum, now.”

“Oh, god!” you cried, keening against his chest with the onslaught of pleasure. “Sir! Sir, I’m go–”

“Go on,” Bucky grunted, his focus entirely on the fast movements of his palm over your clit. “Go on, give it to me, baby—let go.”

The torrential wave pulled you under, drowning you with the intensity all while Bucky’s hand kept fucking going. 

You sobbed and moaned yourself hoarse through your orgasm. Bucky praised you sweetly while you shook from head to toe: “Such a good girl for me, baby,” and, “That’s it, sweetheart—look what you did to me.” 

He stepped closer and the hard press of his cock against your leg made you blink sluggishly. “Wow,” you breathed.

“Yeah, that was really fuckin’ fun—fuck the tree, it can wait,” Bucky rasped, his voice gravelly with restraint. “I need my girls, and I fuckin’ need ‘em now.”

There was no way to get a word of protest in edgeways while he helped you down from the ladder and towards the bedroom — not that you would complain, not in the slightest. 

oh, look, I took the collection name literally! 😌

⠈⠂⠄ 𝐢𝐧𝐛𝐨𝐱 | 𝐥𝐢𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 | 𝐚𝐨𝟑  ⠄⠂⠁

⠈⠂⠄𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 | 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 ⠄⠂⠁

#bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x f!reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x female reader #bucky x f!reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes oneshot #MB #rookthorne's works

[lynnlovesthestars]

"I wandered lonely as a cloud"

Pairing: Astarion x gn!Reader (afab for eventual smut) Genre: hurt, comfort. Angst, smut eventually. CW: gore, past trauma, abuse, reference to SA, ptsd, ocd, feeling of inadequacy, fear of rejection, fear of loneliness, anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts[...] Setting: Act 2. Synopsys: "let's pretend we are not alone"

AN: Hello my stars, I haven't wrote a fanfic in a while, though this is a mix between a fic and a collection of one shots. The story is introspective, as we dwell in the story, our focus will be on two lonely souls that find solace in each other's touch. It will not be an action driven story, but fear not, It wont just be cuddles and kisses! (Though we'll have plenty of that) Anyways i hope you'll enjoy this, and you'll find comfort in it.

I'm also going to open a tag list, in case someone is interested. (if the taglist flops, you didn't see it) I'll link the form here so you can avoid leaving it in the comments if you prefer!

Form.

Playlist.

Masterpost.

Loneliness was a strange feeling, sometimes it sprouted when you least expected it, but it hit you the worst at night. It was a feeling you grew accustomed over time, it coated your days, your food, your eyes. In a way it became your way of knowing you were alive, that deep down that emptiness you felt, something akin to a heart was beating, though lonely.

Everyone could see when loneliness was hitting you the worst, cause in the morning you would be more tired, eyebags would sulk your face and you would be avoidant.

The Last Light Inn was finally in sight as you descended the dark and shadowy path that the group of harpers pointed to. The bright glow of encircling the area was the only sign that could point at your way.

Despite the rough welcome from Jaheira and the harpers, they offered you a few rooms so you could rest while you planned your next moves. Jaheira took it on herself to give you a briefing on all she gathered in the shadowlands, but she could clearly see the dark circles under your eyes, and she knew them very well. The eyebags of a leader that needed rest and a warm soup. Little did she know that whatever you felt inside, it was much more than that. It was the thug you felt in your chest, the yearning for even the smallest touch. The need of closeness, like a body pressed against your skin as you dozed asleep. It was the daydreaming of respite in someone else’s embrace, safe and tucked away, though in that moment you wanted to concentrate more on the situation at hand: looking for the beds, cause for once in the past weeks, you didn’t need to set up camp or gather wood, or even sleep on the floor.

The group was directed towards the hen, where the strange ox from the emerald grove was moo-ing about its food. Jaheira gave you a key that would open a hatch where extra rooms would be tucked away. As you descended down the staircase, a soft light glimmered at the center of the space, where four doors were scattered around the empty communal area. A small kitchen sat on the side, while a fireplace was opposite to it. 

Whoever resided here before the darkness hit this place, was probably the owner of the inn and their family. The space was left clean, the harpers kept it in good conditions as they took over the perimeter of the inn.

You dropped your backpack near a door as you took a glimpse of the rooms: all of them had a poster bed that could easily hold two people and a partition to hide a bathing corner.

You opted to divide the rooms with the support of a coin flip. It was nothing against Lae'zel, but when the coin fell and it assigned you to her, you contemplated if you could have set a tent in the middle of the road. Your brain started churning ideas as the rest of the group was knees deep discussing on the beds.

"Oh don't sulk, Astarion" Gale played with the elf as he shoved his elbow in his hip. "I'm not an awful bedmate" 

"There's no way, I'm sleeping in the same room with you again" Astarion whined as he turned his head the other way. Then it hit you. 

Astarion.

Lae, do you mind sharing a room with Gale?" You asked, lowering your tone.

"Tck, are you trying to bed me and Gale?" She shot you a cold glance as you feing ignorance. 

She could think whatever if it meant you wouldn't hear her complaining every night. If you had to share a room with someone, you were oddly more comfortable with the idea of sharing your space with Astarion, and maybe it was for the fact that you were already closer. Feeding him every night meant learning how to share a small space and a closeness you were not willing to share with much people. Then in those nights you couldn’t rest, you’d sit together in front of the fire as you opened up to each other. It was a slow process for both of you, a little at a time you’d feed each other with bits of your hearts. You even mentioned a few times about that loneliness that was always devouring you, though you made sure to sugarcoat it a little, and he was very understanding of the bits you gave him.

You felt that you'd be more at ease with someone that understood loneliness the way you did, someone that wouldn't cross the boundaries unless you allowed him, cause if there was something you liked about him, it was the work he was doing on himself, relearning behaviors he couldn't claim before. Like the meaning of the word 'no', and how to trust, though he still pretended he didn't like anyone.

It was a shield he would put on, so that he couldn't get hurt or worse, rejected. He shared it with you in another sleepless night.

Though elves didn't need to sleep, during meditation something very akin to dreams was happening: your mind would focus on events of the past, over and over again, and you weren’t fond of your past crawling out again unwanted. Nevertheless, you both enjoyed sleep, there was something about those hours of nothingness that it made you breathe. 

Your attention was quickly drawn back to the room when Astarion and Gale were still bantering when Lae'zel lost her temper. "I'm done with you" She pulled out her knife menacingly, a good way to keep Gale in check when he would cling.

She pointed the knife towards Astarion first. "Tck, you take your stuff to Tav" She ordered, everyone's eyes were wide as they witnessed how she put them in check. Then she pointed the blade towards Gale, not a second of hesitation in her voice. "You sleep with me. You take the bed, I take the floor." She didn't wait for anyone's opinion, she picked up her belongings and disappeared behind a door.

You could still hear her complaining through the closed door. "Tchk, I don't like beds anyways, they are too soft"

Deep down you appreciated what she did, she understood more than what she gave away, and you would have to thank her one of those nights.

Everyone looked at each other speechless, before taking their turn to leave. It was an odd silence, a rare occurrence in your not so little marry-band. 

The room was definitely better than what you could see from a glimpse. It wasn't big, but the bed was big enough to fit you and Astarion comfortably, while the partition was just enough to create a nice bathing corner.

The bed was made with a set of linen sheets, and covered with a thick duvet to fight the cold of the shadow-cursed lands.

You dropped your bag on the right side of the bed before making a beeline to the tub. You spent a solid two weeks only in the underdark, the lack of water to wash you was agony.

You made good use of your magic by filling the tub with it, and keeping it warm. You labeled create bonfire useless a long time ago, when you noticed it was not enough to even roast a goblin, but it worked wonders for baths when you were short on time.

You were quick to discard your clothes and sink in the hot water, the steam coated the mirror in the room, as you allowed the water to caress your body.

Only a few minutes in the water passed by, and you realized how exhausted you were. Your movements were slow as you scrubbed away the dirt and sweat from your skin. You untied your hair, finally relaxing your sore scalp as you took your time massaging in your shampoo.

You wanted to go out for dinner, but when you put on your clean clothes, and tucked yourself under the comforter, that inevitable loneliness started growing thick on your body.

You wrapped your arms around your pillow as for a moment you wanted to disappear. Though you didn't want to move from there, you grabbed a book from your bag, your mage hand opening it and holding it for you as you tried to get distracted.

What was worse than being touch starved and in severe need of affection? Picking up the wrong book.

A fantastical love story between gods. If the book could make Umberlee and Valkur fall in love and find balance then why were you still alone?

You wondered if your parents angered a god when they were younger, and as a curse you ended up being shadowed by the incessant feeling of loneliness. 

As Umberlee cradled against Valkur's chest, you couldn't take it anymore. You dispelled the hand, letting the book drop down on the bed, careless if you lost the page you were at.

Your eyes pooled with the familiar salty tears, that night in particular it felt harder to shield yourself from the pain. So before you could fully have control of your body, the warm tears were flowing out like a river. 

It was your routine, in a way, to just let everything out at night instead of bottling it up, though the warmth of the comforter was not enough to satiate the warmth you wish hugged your body, yet you still tried your best to imagine it was a warm body that was pressed against yours. A soft hug that was trying to shield you from the outside. A whisper that reminded you it was okay to feel like this. Yet at the end of the day, you simply hid behind the delusion.

You didn't know how long you stayed there, in that fetal position you couldn't help but ball yourself into. Even after you finished all your tears and all that was left of it was the stains on your cheeks and your wet pillow, before Astarion appeared from the door, you were still cradled in that position.

You didn't speak or move, you just sunk a little more under the duvet.

"I noticed you didn't join everyone for dinner." He walked to your side of the bed, you couldn't see him but you could follow his footsteps before feeling his cold hand tap on your shoulder. 

"So I brought you some food" His voice was a whisper, as he slowly looked around the room, and then to you. Trying to catch what was going on. Insight check: succeeded.

"I know you are not feeling well, darling." He sat on the side of the bed, his hand gently swiping away a lock of your hair so he could catch a glimpse of your face. "But you need to eat something" This was a side of Astarion which you rarely had the chance to see, it was reserved for those nights where you allowed him to drink from you: the ever so soft touch and a voice that felt raw, more.. intimate. It was something that always made you cry later when you'd be alone, the closest you've been to that kind of physical touch you missed so much.

So many nights you wondered if he would be this soft with everyone he'd bed, until he admitted he didn't know how to be kind, caring, sweet, if not for show, and he wanted to give you some kindness back. 

You risked so much for him, including your neck, so he wanted to give you back at least a soft touch before leaving you to sleep, or the closest thing to some affection that he could manage.

So whenever he'd give you even the smallest of touches, you'd bask in it, taking as much as you could even from those small interactions.

His voice shook you from your thoughts again, his thumb swiped away a tear you didn't know you were shedding.

"My darling, what's going on?" You could feel the concern snicker between the honeyed words, trying to coax an answer from your quivering lips.

You wanted to find an excuse, something that would be much more serious than feeling lonely, yet all you said was that last word, a pained croak that escaped your lips.

Your heart clenched tightly as he hesitated just for a moment, wondering how much he could do to help you, without scaring you away.

But then he sat up, he took off the outer layer of his clothes, almost making you wonder if he already brushed your pained confession aside. He quickly reached in his bag for his nightshirt and made his way under the duvet.

He didn’t forget, at all.

With his face to yours he leaned forward, his palm touching your warm cheek as he finally could see you better. You tilted your head, almost silently begging for that innocent touch. Yearning for it.

His thumbs slowly dried your skin, catching the tears that would spill.

You both laid there in silence, you closed your eyes to avoid his stare, which was concentrated in taking in your shivering body.

"I understand," He whispered, almost as if they were hiding from someone. "I feel lonely too, every night" His voice was just like a caress against your ears, though it hid your same pain.

You wanted to say something, but no words would come out. The tadpole in your head squirmed, reminding you of its abilities just for a second.

Astarion didn't hesitate nor forced you out as you probed his mind, and when you were safely tucked in there, you just allowed your thoughts to flow free. Your every emotion spilling like a cup of coffee on the floor, even- accidentally- some of those memories of the loneliest nights where you just wanted to give up.

As soon as you slipped out from his brain, you sunk your head in your pillow, trying to hide those tears that you were starting to hate so much.

You couldn't comprehend what was happening at first, until your warm skin met with Astarion's cold chest. His arms held you close as he waited for you to raise your eyes to his.

He didn't know what he was about to say or do, he just allowed his dead and touch-starved heart to take control. 

Your gazes mixed in the middle, the veil that usually covered his emotions was pulled away, exposing his own hurt, his own need for affection, before his words struck you.

It was the occasional broken syllables that caught your ear, the way his mouth twitched and twisted before finishing a sentence, and the way his body would stiffen as he'd almost felt like a plea. It was not just to comfort you that he did whatever he did, it was for him as well.

He needed it just as much as you did.

His words would still echo in your brain whenever he'd caress your cheek. 

"Let's pretend just for a few hours that we are okay, that we fell in love. Let's pretend to be vulnerable. I'll be here pretending until you need me to, cause at the end of the day, we both deserve to feel loved, even if only for a split second. Let's pretend we are not alone." It was something between a hopeful proposal and a sad begging, something that reverberated through you like nothing has ever done before. His eyes were barely open as he still held you, you could tell from the way his fingers lingered on your exposed skin that he was taking the most out of this, for the eventuality that you'd move away from your grasp.

Instead you leaned completely against him, your head resting against his chest as you nodded.

His body softened around yours, his legs intertwining with yours as he'd place a kiss on your head.

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