#until I decided to work with and prioritize myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fallingdownhell · 6 months

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haii may i request the sumeru men with a people pleaser so?

Love this! As a people pleaser myself, I know how hard this can be. Still, hope I did a decent job with this.

Characters Included: Tighnari; Cyno; Kaveh; Alhaitham; Wanderer

Content: gender neutral reader; established relationship; some comfort and fluff

Word count: 2k words

Have fun with this<3

Tighnari

he understands you want to help people

he really does... but when it comes at the cost of your own health and well being, that's where he draws a line

Tighnari watches you as you go around doing anything people ask of you, always a smile on your lips

but he sees behind that smile, sees the tired expression you so desperately try to hide

He knows you want to make people happy.. but there's got to be a line. Sometimes, one has to prioritize themselves

But when you remain unwilling to stand up for yourself, he steps in to take over for you. Enough is enough!

When he sees you taking on the work of someone else yet again, he decides to step in

He takes you away from the situation, making up some excuse about needing your help with something before he drags you to his hut by your hand

You protest against him at first, but when he didn't budge at all, you knew to just accept your fate. After all, Tighnari can be quite stubborn if he wants to be..

As you arrive, he instructs you to sit down on the bed, which you oblige to while he goes and makes you a quick snack, since he noticed you haven't really eaten anything all day. You had even skipped his top tier breakfast..

He literally watches you like a hawk, making sure that you eat at least half of the food he made before he tells you to lie down and relax

You try and protest again, but he's firm in his resolve

With a sigh, you comply. And as soon as your head hits the pillow, you notice just how exhausted and drained you truly feel..

Tighnari looks at you with an expression akin to "I knew it". He lied down next to you, wrapping his arms around your waist as he just held you like this..

"You don't always have to make everyone around you happy. You need to think about yourself and your own well being from time to time as well. You need breaks, just like everyone else needs them. Rest for now, my flower. I'll watch over you.."

Cyno

Cyno's an interesting case...

He wouldn't notice that behaviour in you at all at first. And once he does, he admires it first and foremost..

People were always afraid of him... they were when he was younger still.. and they are now, thanks to his status as General Mahamatra..

He finds it fascinating that people come to you to ask for your help constantly.. he can't even imagine what that would be like for him.. there would definitely be some underlying jealousy from him at the start

But.. overtime.. as the people ask more and more of you and you growing more and more stressed and tired trying to do all of them justice, did he finally see the downside to that kind of life..

Especially when it's affecting such a kindhearted soul like you, who can never turn anyone down for anything

after reaching that point, he starts to keep an eye out for you, making sure that you're not overworking yourself too much. But he wouldn't step in just yet, believing that you'd know your limits yourself

So, he just watches, as people come running to you again and again, asking you to fulfill simple tasks for them that they could have easily done themselves

it's not until much later does he realize that these people are only exploiting you and your kindness. To be fair, he only knows the extreme examples of such behaviour, so he didn't immediately recognise it with such "small" acts

but as time goes on, as he sees just how tired and exhausted you get, he starts to get worried himself

he's constantly asking himself why you wouldn't just turn those people down. He really doesn't understand it

But what he does understand is that you need a break. Urgently.

so without waiting any further, he goes into action. Cyno knows your usual schedule like the back of his hand so he knows that he has some time on hand

he goes to the market and buys all the ingredients for your favourite meal, which he promptly cooks you for dinner. After you've come home and eaten the food, he insists you take a nice, relaxing bath

after that, he gives you a nice and long massage, relaxing all your muscles perfectly. And once that is over, he cuddles you for the rest of the night until you both fall asleep

He's seen how hard you were working these last few days, so he wants you to know that he appreciates you and that he wants to help you unwind from time to time

"I've seen how these people treat you... you and the kindness you show them. Remember that it's okay to say No to them every now and then. You don't and can't always be responsible for everyone. You need to look out for yourself more. But for now, relax, my Lotus. Relax and let me take care of you for tonight."

Alhaitham

At some point, you became the unofficial librarian of the house of Daena

Not because you wanted to or applied for the job.. you just spent a lot of time in the library so you know where most of the books are. And people come to you when they need help with literally anything, because you never refuse to help anyone

At first you were happy to be able to help out a few struggling students, glad you were able to guide them in the right direction

But soon, word spread around and people came flooding you every tile they spotted you within the house of Daena

What was once a nice interaction and an exchange of information soon became an overwhelming amount of people bombarding you with questions

And even though it became too much for you very quickly, you didn't have the heart, not the opportunity, to turn them down

Much to the displeasure of someone else, as well

Though your boyfriend loved the House of Daena and to spend time with you here, he didn't appreciate people flooding you like that, taking time away he would usually spend with you and just being generally very loud

And since he knew you would never turn anyone down, he had to do it for you. He did not care what people thought or said about him, his reputation already being not the best. But what's it to him?

And today especially.. people were just so damn pushy and demanding towards you. It didn't sit right with him..

He watched you for a bit as two students were heavily debating something with you, raising their voices slightly. He noticed you growing uncomfortable in the situation yet still not saying anything

Deciding that he had to step in at this point, he walked over to you and simply took your hand, pulling you along with him without uttering a word

The two students were yelling after you, but he didn't pay them any mind. You weren't protesting at all, simply following him along, because you already knew why he did that

After he turned a quiet corner within the Academiya, he turned around and pulled you into his arms, engulfing you in a comforting hug

"I told you so many times.. you need to learn how to turn people down. They'll walk all over you otherwise. Please don't take this the wrong way, I'm just concerned about you. ...How are you? Feeling better?"

Kaveh

Oh boy...

this is quite the difficult situation, because Kaveh is such a big people pleaser himself

You two are constantly looking out for the other, reminding them to take breaks and to take things easy

you are both great at giving actual good, helpful advise. But when it comes to following them yourselves.. both you and Kaveh need to hone that skill much more

you constantly keep an eye out for him, as he does for you. Kaveh knows the telltale signs when you get exhausted and he always tries to gently remove you from the situation to get you to lie down when he sees them... which works for the most part

but he's often away on trips for his work, so he's not constantly around you to keep you safe from your own self destructive behaviour

when that happens and he returns from a trip a few days later, he finds you utterly exhausted and tired, about to collapse while standing up

he quite literally forces you to sit down or lie down while he makes you some simple food, mostly soups and such

and every time, you promise each other to look out better and to take better care of yourselves... only for that promise to be broken a few days later, letting the cycle begin anew.

Kaveh knows that things can't keep on going like this, something has to change. Something has to change, right now!

So he sits you down for an honest talk where he plays with open cards, sharing all his doubts and worries with you

It's an emotional talk, many tears from both you and him flow, but in the end, you both agree that you can't keep going like this, unless you want to destroy yourself completely

it will take a lot of time and effort, but you're sure that you can do this. You can do anything with Kaveh and his support by your side to help you back on your feet when the world tries to push you down again

"I know how hard it is.. you want to he helpful, you feel like that's the only way you can accomplish something in this world. But overworking yourself is not the right way to do this. Listen to me and listen to yourself. You are also important. So please, start treating yourself that way."

Wanderer

Hates it. Absolutely hates it

But not for the reason you might think

well... At first, at least

you see.... his issue in the beginning is how much time it takes away from your shared time together

every time you're out with him, even just for a walk, people come up to you, either engaging in conversation or asking favours of you

at the start, he only scoffs and shoots nasty looks at those people, but he does not interrupt, since he doesn't want to come of as rude to possible friends of yours

but he's still annoyed beyond anything that your attention is taken away from him

after he gets over the inital feelings of annoyance and anger, he begins to notice a pattern every time people approach you with a request in mind

he begins to notice your little hesitance before accepting the request, notices how your shoulders slump just slightly after they walk away without even giving you proper thanks

so, he decides to observe further... and boy, does he not like what he sees

because the longer he watches this unfold, the more rage he feels building up inside him

why were those pesky humans always coming to you for such trivial things? And why aren't you turning them down? In fact, he hasn't seen you turn down a single person so far..

of course, as he keeps on observing you, he notices you growing more and more tired the longer this keeps going

until one day, he just has enough

it happened when you two were out for a nice stroll in the evening and someone was approaching you yet again

something in him just snapped when he saw that familiar expression in their face

he quite rudely and loudly just stated a firm "NO!", taking your hand in his and just pulling you along with him

you did not protest against this, partly because you were surprised and a bit shocked by his strong reaction

he took you out of the city, to an open field where he sat down with you, watching the stars up in the sky

he kept quiet for a long while, and you also kept quiet, not knowing how to best tackle this situation

but as it turns out, you didn't have to do that at all

"Idiot... going around and letting yourself get expoited like that. What would you do if I weren't here to look out for you, huh? Just... be more careful. You don't always have to agree to anything, you can just say No to them. It's not that hard... But if you can't do that.. let me know. I'll do it for you."

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kneelingshadowsalome · 2 months

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so, i’m currently taking a west civics class in college, and i am currently researching ancient greek civilizations, most notably, the arts and culture of ancient greece. i know you have written a fic based on its mythological stories, with minotaur könig (bless your beautiful soul).

but through my readings, i couldn’t help but come up with such a dirty daydreams while in class. i couldn’t stop myself from thinking about könig and… the ancient olympics…

i know, realistically speaking, women were not allowed to attend or watch these games for the most part. so, in a universe where könig’s dedication not only falls upon him being a top man, but being the perfect man in honor of being recognized by the god of strength himself, he becomes so enticing in the way he trains and readies himself for such a significant event of his life. he’s never really had much to care for, neither does he need to prioritize anything that isn’t him or his training. he’s a workhorse, nothing stopping him from being the best, most valuable follower of zeus. that is… until…

well, it was your fault, and you admit that, but he wasn’t stopping you either. i mean, who could blame you, this little thing sneaking and peeping at a man who’s at work in order to provide to cute women like yourself. in fact, you argue that this was your way of appreciating a man, to observe them in their element in such a loving gaze. it didn’t help that könig was a man who preferred to train naked too, in all his glory, so of course there was no missing you, you were just too obvious for a man like him to notice you.

and with every grunt he’d give after each swing of a fist or a blade, a mew is what you’d give in return, your own form of a cheer for him to keep going. and you promised you didn’t mean to stare and make distracting noises, but an innocent maiden like yourself was just too hypnotized by this new anatomy that was found between this man’s legs. so outspoken, so dirty for your mouth to spew such beautiful filth to a stranger.

was this könig’s new test of endurance? part of the program to make him stronger for the olympic event that was just around the corner. he has heard man advising others to refrain from sex before the games, but he hadn’t even been given the chance to work on that since no one was bold enough to approach him like you did. he wonders, does fucking before a game really make a man weak, does thinking about shoving his big dumb cock in his soon-to-be wife distract him too much to succeed? perhaps, perhaps not, one thing he does know though, he’s got someone else to honor and worship, which makes his training all the more necessary.

Oh my god….. I’m totes not getting caught up in the fact that women were not allowed to participate in these activities….

This led me to think, what if some misbehaving little creature decided to peep at this Hercules reborn? She gets caught one day, but because she’s absolutely carefree and unhinged, she asks König if he could show her how to train.

CW: Nudity, implied sexism/misogyny (Ancient Greek society thang), teasing König to the point where he gets a boner and growls

Our Olympian hero gets so confused that he forgets he was supposed to report you or throw you out of the gym. Outside, where birds fly free and the sun tortures the trainees, he has picked a spot where he can train in solitude and silence: for some reason, other people’s stares make him uncomfortable… Until this curious, sweet little nymph came around, perched atop a wide rock, munching some wild mountain herb as she watched him train.

He allowed her to watch him train for two days, but on the third, he marched over to her and told her she needs to leave. Women are not allowed here, doesn’t she know that? Where are her parents? Does she have a husband?

No, no husband, and her parents don’t really care what she does. Well, this explains why she’s behaving this way. Running around the hillside so untame, watching men train—can’t she see she’s putting herself in danger? Any one of these men could decide to just take her on the barren land if she’s not careful.

She just giggles and asks, would he like to take her? Then points out that men shouldn’t waste their seed before a big competition. Also, Zeus’s wife would not think well of him if she saw him rut innocent women on the hill... There’s nothing but heaven above them, surely someone would see. The gods could curse him with a weak ankle, or a sprained muscle, a failing heart or a snake bite…

“All right, all right, that’s enough,” he says, but there’s even worse to come.

Next, she asks if he could show her how to lift those smaller rocks, how to throw a javelin or a discus. Could he teach her how to wrestle…?

“Absolutely not,” he scoffs while his groin floods with warmth at the thought of wrestling with this pretty, wonton woman. She’s absolutely disgraceful, and yet, he doubts she’s running from man to man, teasing them to death. She’s not begging to get raped, she’s just… a little gullible, or something. Happened to take interest in him, little thing. As she should, after all, he’s the pride of this city...

“You fear I’ll become better than you?” She asks with little stars in her stare.

“Bah. Don’t be ridiculous...”

They’re both smiling, now. This kind of banter and games he has never experienced with a lady, she’s making him extremely uncomfortable and at the same time, fly high like Icarus. He’ll have to be careful he doesn’t get burned…

When he still refuses to show her how to train, she shrugs and goes over to the wooden javelin that’s taller than her. Picking it up, he expects the gods to smite her down with a sudden hail or thunder, but nothing happens. The sun keeps on shining, and the sheep keep on baaing. She weighs it with two hands, then starts to look for a spot to try and throw it.

“Wait,” he calls after her, but she only looks back at him with a smile. Picks off to run, with the javelin securely in her right hand, she runs like a deer while he lumbers after her, completely perplexed.

Insufferable woman… He’s growing hard from the cock as he runs, somehow aroused by this silly chase. Like Apollo trying to court Daphne, but his Daphne is not meek and unwilling; she’s giggling as he huffs and runs after her like a stumbling giant.

At a distant field of nothing but rock and weather-beaten flowers, she stops. Shields her eyes as she looks for a perfect spot, she’s not even breathless when he finally catches her. She turns around to look at her hero, catching his breath in the sun.

“You’re not fit enough for a marathon,” she comments. “Did you lift too many weights?”

“Give me the javelin,” he pants, dismissing her blunt analysis of his weaknesses. Stepping towards her, he extends his hand, offering her a chance to return it to him without fuss.

“Wrestle it from me,” she smiles, so playfully and brightly that his cock suffers another throb.

Gods damn this woman... She’s toying, playing with him, teasing him to the point where he’s left no choice.

He doesn’t want to hurt her, which means the “wrestling” becomes an awkward battle of snickers and limbs. His cock gets in the way, and to an outsider, this might look like a scene of an oddly gentle, upcoming rape… This little minx is giving him such an ache in his head and his loins that he’s gritting his teeth by the time he gets his hands around the wooden spear. By then, she has her legs wrapped around his waist, her arms above her head as she’s lying on her back with him on top of her.

“I’m not letting go,” she laughs as they both hold the spear, his erection now blissfully trapped between her legs.

“Who sent you,” he grunts, head spinning as he tries to figure out which of the gods is trying to give him trouble this time.

“What do you mean…?”

“You’re here to thwart and tease me. Tell me who sent you, now.”

“You think I’m sent by some angry god?”

Her eyes sparkle even more, if possible. She even giggles under him and under the sun, her laugh like a thousand little bells in his ears.

“That’s so cute…!”

His grunts turn into a hollow, painful growl – even Tartaros is better than this.

“Train me, and I’ll let you have your silly javelin,” she smiles, even licking her lips before they purse together innocently.

But he knows she’s far from innocent. She has to be a curse of some sort, a plight sent here to torment him, because he finds himself sighing, “Alright…”

He gives her one condition: she has to wear clothes; no flaunting herself around him and especially not around the other men if they were to ever see her. They will both get flogged or worse if this mockery comes to daylight… She gives him a soft, adoring smile this time, and says of course, whatever he says.

The next day, she’s waiting for him at the training grounds, javelin in her hands…

Completely, utterly naked.

#könig x reader #könig x you #silliness #torturing könig #we all know how this will end so i don't have to write a full fic for it right ^^

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feelmyskinonyourskin · 6 months

Text

Fight Club [Frank's Version]

Pairing: Matt Murdock x (AFAB)Reader x Frank Castle

Summary: If this seems familiar, that's cause it is. When @hellskitchenswhore sent this prompt I gave two options: Either Matt fucks you before your next session so he's dripping out of you while you're training with Frank so you "remember who you belong to" ORRRRRR he busts up your session and you end up having a three way with him and Frank in the gym. She chose the former but the later has honestly been bouncing around my brain since then and I finally wrote it. The fic is the same until Matt follows reader to the gym, then the fun begins...

Warnings: 18+/SMUT. No use of Y/N. Female/AFAB reader (use of terms like girlfriend and female anatomy.) Established relationship. Brief mention of an active shooter at an office, Frank and Matt using pet names like sweetheart, mentions and accusations of cheating but no actual cheating, Unprotected sex, Fingering and hand job, Oral (M & F receiving,) THREE WAY! A TRIP TO PARIS!, P in V, Creampie, etc.

WC: 7,200

*I never give permission for my fics, manips, or any other original creation I post on this site to be copied, posted elsewhere, translated, or fed into any AI program. The only platform I currently post anything on is Tumblr. Thanks!*

“That’s it sweetheart, last round I promise.” Frank encourages you as you take swings at the bag in front of you.

You’ve been at this for at least an hour and your arms feel like jello. You can’t remember the last time you were breathing this hard that wasn’t from Matt bending you in half. Jumping directly into the Hudson would have kept you drier than the amount of sweat currently pouring down your face and exhausted body.

“Atta girl, atta girl!” Frank praises as you take your last few swings, arms too weak to make any real movement of the bag

“Alright, you’re getting the hang of it now. Few more sessions and you’ll be out there with Red every night.”

“Pfft I don’t know about that, Frank. I’m just trying to make sure I can protect myself is all.”

“So remind me again why you didn’t ask him to teach you this?”

It started last week. One of your favorite coworkers was going through a bitter divorce and her estranged husband decided to confront her at the office and pulled a gun. You heard two shots ring out from your desk and feared the worst - all the active shooter situations you'd seen on TV were happening live in your life. Fortunately, as you fled for safety, Jerry from accounting was able to disarm and tackle the guy before he could hurt anyone thanks to his black belt in Jiujitsu.

Even though the incident ended okay, it had spooked you enough to get yourself some defense classes, for all those times when your vigilante boyfriend was too far uptown to protect you at a moment’s notice and Jerry wasn’t around to save the day.

Matt was always overprotective of you and you hated to think how he’d react to the incident, so you hadn’t told him. When the story hit the news, you lied (via text so he couldn’t detect it) and said it happened on a different floor and you didn’t even notice.

You also didn’t tell him about your decision to learn self-defense. Matt was more than qualified to teach you, but for some reason, you just didn’t feel comfortable asking for his help with this. Maybe it was his propensity to throw himself into helping those he cared about, you especially, that gave you hesitation to give him another thing to prioritize over himself. Maybe it was just how good he was at fighting that made you not want to “be a beginner” in front of him (not that Matt would ever judge you about anything.)

In fairness to you, you hadn’t intended to learn it from his frenemy and former client, but you’d showed up at the boxing gym near your work and the gruff men inside intimidated you so much, you bolted out the door before signing up for a class, tears welling in your eyes when you quite literally bumped into Frank on the street.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, nodding towards the door of the boxing gym

“I thought… Look I want to learn how to fight. Or at least how to defend myself. This place is close to work but um… might not be the right fit for me.”

“Why don’t you just ask Red?”

“It’s a long story,” you replied with a sigh “but I really don’t want to ask him. Or for him to even know about it. So can you please not mention you saw me here or we had this conversation?”

“Okay, can I ask why not?”

“You can but I’m not gonna answer.”

Frank chuckled and shook his head

“Well if you want to learn to fight, this isn’t the best place. I know Vinny the owner and he’s a shit teacher. But if you want to learn for real, I’m happy to teach you.”

“What? Wait really? Wait, Frank you know how to fight?”

“Sweetheart, I was a Marine for over 15 years, ‘course I know how to fight.”

“And you’d do that for me?”

“Course. You’re Red's girl. What times’ he leave for his little night job?”

“9:00”

“Great, meet me here at 9:30. Tonight.”

And that was how you ended up here, collapsing on the gym mat beneath you with a groan.

“Not bad for your first time. We just gotta get you in the habit of resetting your hands after every hit, and you’ll be golden” Frank praises again

“Oh yeah, I forgot, always protect the face so I don’t end up lookin like you.” you jest

“Ouch” he feigns hurt with a smirk on his face “Red teach you to swing low like that?”

“Nah Castle, that’s all me. It’s part of why he loves me. Same time tomorrow?”

“Sure. See you then.”

By the time Matt returns home, you’re showered and in bed, sore muscles pulsing every time you twist and turn in your sleep. Between the smell of sweaty clothes in the hamper and the scent of your freshly washed skin rubbing against silk sheets, plus the heat radiating off your sore muscles as he crawls into bed silently beside you, Matt figures it out pretty quickly.

‘She started going back to the gym. Hmm. Have to ask her about that in the morning.’ he thinks as he drifts off beside you.

You awake in the morning to gentle hands rubbing at your back.

“Mmm morning Matty” you mumble, still pulling yourself out of sleep

“Morning sweetheart.”

“What are you doing?” you ask as he works a little lower down your spine

“Giving you a massage. I can tell you’re sore. When did you start going back to the gym?”

“Just yesterday. And you’re right I’m super sore. Thank you, this is a nice way to start my day.”

“Of course sweetheart. What gym did you go to? Did you have fun?” he inquires

His innocent prodding has you waking fully quickly, trying to cover your tracks without outright lying and getting caught.

“Oh this gym near work. Couple people in the office recommended it. And yeah I had fun.”

All truths.

“That’s nice. Mmmm do you want to start the coffee or shower first?” he asks, seemingly letting the subject go

Perfect.

As you rush around to get ready for work, Matt grabs the laundry hamper from the bathroom, walking it over to the washing machine. Your dirty workout clothes from the night before sit on top, now less potent that they have completely dried. But he can’t help but feel like something smells off.

Sure it smells like you - natural scent mixed with your fading sweat, but there’s something else. Something familiar. A very subtle hint of spiciness mixed with… is that gunpowder?

‘Weird’ Matt thinks to himself, but brushes it off a moment later, the smell not strong enough to really garner more than a passing thought.

But three times he does the laundry in a row, he smells it. It’s so subtle, he might not even give it another thought, but it’s just so damn familiar.

It takes another week for him to ask you about it.

“Hey sweetheart, you’ve been going to the gym a lot lately,” he mentions over dinner

“Mmmhmm. Yeah, can you feel my muscles growing? I’m feeling stronger.” you reply

“Yeah. What exactly are you doing at the gym? It’s really working.”

“Oh a little cardio, a little strength, you know…” you skirt around, being intentionally vague

“That’s good. Is it like a class or?”

“Um sort of. Just this guy at the gym, he’s been helping me. You know, walking me through the exercises.”

Also technically the truth.

“That’s good. Well, I’m glad you found something you like.”

‘Okay, so that guy must smell like this. She’s close enough to him in a warm sweaty gym, so there’s a little bit on her clothes. Makes sense.’ Matt thinks to himself. But he still can’t shake the feeling that that smell is so familiar.

Two weeks later, Matt is out on patrol when he hears a familiar heartbeat on the fire escape a few floors down from where he’s perched.

Frank.

“You just gonna sit there all night, listinin’ Red?” Frank asks

“Very funny Frank.” Matt says, hopping down to Frank’s level

“Haven’t seen you in a while” Matt comments

“Been busy. Madani’s been usin’ me more.”

“Oh don’t tell me you’re going legit Frank.”

“Not a shot in hell, Red. But gotta pay the bills somehow.”

And then a strong breeze blows. Frank’s signature blend of sweat, aftershave, and metallic mixed with gunpowder from all the weapons he handles overwhelms Matt’s nose. Matt cocks his head in confusion. It’s so damn familiar. But of course it is, it’s Frank. How many times has Matt been on a rooftop with him like this, bs-ing the night away while monitoring the city?

After catching up for a bit, they go their separate ways, the rest of Matt’s evening turning uneventful.

He returns home to you shortly after 3 am, your soft breathing as you sleep calms him as he strips off his suit.

You hadn’t met with Frank tonight. He said something about following a lead and you were perfectly fine with that, you needed an off day.

Matt curls up in bed beside you, resting his head on your back and falling asleep quickly.

The next night, Frank is really putting you through your paces and you swear you’re ready to collapse when he finally calls it for the night.

Per usual, Frank offers to walk you home when you’re done and for the first time since you started coming here, you accept the offer since you stayed a bit later than usual tonight. At least until you can make it to Hell’s Kitchen and within range of Matt.

You and Frank make small talk as you go and eventually, the chill of the autumn air has you shivering in your still-damp-from-sweat workout clothes.

“Here sweetheart,” Frank says with a lopsided smirk, slinging his worn jacket over your shoulders.

“Thank you Castle. Always a gentleman.”

“Course, ‘specially for Red’s girl.”

You make it to 35th and 10th, close enough to home and hand his jacket back to him, parting ways with a nod and a polite “goodnight.”

The later hour coupled with the particularly intense session has you collapsing into bed without even removing your shoes, let alone your gym clothes.

When Matt returns a few hours later, the smell hits him like a truck.

‘I swear to god Frank, if you’re bleeding on my couch again…’ Matt thinks to himself.

But when he enters the apartment the only heartbeat he can hear is yours. He inches slowly toward the bedroom and rolls the door open gently. He reaches down to feel the soft lycra of your leggings on your body, careful not to stir you from your slumber. The smell of your sweat clinging to your clothes fills his senses, way more potent than normal plus that other scent you’re bringing home from the gym. Matt pauses to wonder why he thought Frank was here but then it hits him.

Oh my god. The mystery smell from the gym you’ve been bringing home is Frank.

But how could you smell like…

And then the gears in his head start turning. And he feels like a goddamn idiot.

You had been going to the gym. But not to work out. You were cheating. With Frank of all people. And you’d made the critical error of not showering when you got home.

Matt begins to pace the apartment, rubbing at his chin as his thoughts move a million miles a minute about what to do.

Did he confront you? Did he confront Frank?! What should he even say?

The sun rises and he’s still pacing and contemplating when his alarm rings out. He shuts it off before it can wake you too. He needs more time to think about his next move. He gets ready for work quietly and slips out the door before you awake.

You find it odd you haven’t heard from Matt all day. When you woke up you saw his Devil suit in a heap in the living room and there was no damage to it or blood on it. So you knew he had come home and was relatively okay. But it was so odd for him to leave without a goodbye kiss or go this long in the day without so much as a text. But he had been busy with a heavy caseload lately. You finally break shortly after lunch and text him first.

“Hey Matty. Know you’re busy but I miss you and I love you. Dinner tonight?”

“Can’t. Working late. Don’t wait up.” He responds

That was… oddly curt. But again you figure he’s stressed and busy.

Matt on the other hand has been wracked with stress all day. It only took an hour of his constant pacing and fidgeting for Foggy to break and finally ask.

“Matt. What’s up?”

“I think… I think I’m being cheated on.” Matt confesses. He leaves the Frank part out of the equation, wanting Foggy to be as objective as possible about his response.

“What could possibly make you think that?”

“She’s been going to the gym like every night for a month now right when I leave for patrol and she came home last night smelling like… another man. And she’s been smelling like it a little the whole month but last night it was all over her”

“So did you ask her?”

“Well no but…”

“Matt you are literally a human lie detector and yet here you are jumping to conclusions instead of doing the rational thing and just asking her.”

And maybe Matt would have taken Foggy’s advice if he thought you were just cheating with your gym trainer. But this was Frank. And that made it all the more complicated.

Matt decides finally what he’s going to do. He’s going to follow you tonight, catch you in the act and confront both of you together.

Matt still hasn’t come home when you depart for your nightly workout session, but little do you know he’s there. Pacing on the roof, waiting for you to leave. As soon as he hears the lobby door shut behind you, he springs in to action, taking the stairs two at a time into the apartment and changing out of his lawyer suit and into his devil suit as quickly as possible, making sure not to lose your heartbeat now a block and a half away. He makes up for the lost distance quickly and is practically on top of you by the time you enter the gym.

“Hey Frank!” you call out as you enter

“Hey. I’ll be over in a second.” he replies from the locker rooms

Matt crouches down by the side of the building, just close enough to the windows to hear everything going on inside.

You’re almost done wrapping your hands when Frank emerges from the locker room.

“Alright let’s start with our usual, then you can have a go at me again.”

“I don’t know Frank. You really wore me out last night. I woke up still in my clothes and shoes.”

Matt knew it. He fucking knew it.

“Tough shit sweetheart,” Frank responds with a chuckle. “And what did your boyfriend think about that huh? He got any idea what we’re doing here yet?”

“Honestly I don’t know. I didn’t see or hear from him at all today. Which is weird even for him. And no I don’t think he’s figured it out yet.”

“You’re gonna have to tell him eventually”

“No, I don’t”

“So what you’re just gonna keep sneakin’ around, becoming a prize fighter without him gettin’ suspicious? Shit even a regular guy would raise some alarm bells by now, but especially Red and all his … shit”

“Frank, I am not here trying to become a prize fighter. I’m just trying to get strong enough to defend myself if he’s not around to do it. That’s all”

Matt’s heart drops.

How could he possibly think you were cheating? And with Frank of all people. He felt like an idiot. Like a total asshole. Sure you had lied, well, technically withheld the truth and he’s sure you’ll explain why. And he’s hurt if you wanted to learn to fight that you didn’t come to him. But this was not nearly as egregious a stain on your relationship as he thought it was.

“I don’t know. Think you should tell him. Show him your moves. Shit, you’ve gotten a couple good hits on me these last few days. I'm sure you could give Red a run for his money.”

“I am not fighting Matt, Francis.” You say with an eye roll

In that moment, Matt decided this had gone far enough. He needed to come clean. He slipped quietly through the door into the studio.

“Oh I think she absolutely could, Frank. Especially if you’ve been teaching her”

Your spine goes icy cold at the sound of the voice behind you. Both you and Frank jump with a gasp and whip your heads to look at the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, standing in front of you.

“Matt… I”

“It’s okay sweetheart,” Matt says, hands up in surrender before reaching up to remove his mask

“Shit Red, you been here this whole time?” Frank asks nonchalantly

Matt nods, shame painted on his face.

“Matt, I can explain…”

“No. I need to explain.” Matt holds a hand up, interrupting your thought “I followed you here because I thought you were cheating. With Frank. And I know now that’s not what’s happening. And I’m sorry for not just asking you.”

Frank scoffs and holds back a low chuckle while your face softens in empathy.

“Oh Matt. I’m so sorry that I did anything to make you think that. That’s not at all what’s happening here.”

“Really Red, you think I’m that kind of guy?”

“No... I don’t know.”

“Nah, wouldn’t lay a finger on your girl. Unless it was okay with you.”

Matt shakes his head.

“Now that I’m here though, I wouldn’t say no to a little demonstration of what you’ve been teaching her.”

Frank immediately looks to you, reading the signs on your face to make sure it’s okay. You nod. Now that Matt knows, its time to show him.

“Kay sweetheart, just a few rounds on the bag. Like we been practicing.” Frank reassures

You step up to the bag and look to Frank once more. A soft smile spreads across his face and he nods in encouragement.

You take a few swings. Jab, Cross, Left hook. Like Frank normally has you do. Not even thirty seconds in, Matt speaks up.

“Woah woah woah. Frank, you’ve been letting her hit like this and not correcting her form?”

“Yes. Wait, what the hell is wrong with her form?”

“She’s too far away from the bag.” Matt places his hands on your shoulders, maneuvering you with slight adjustments and positions his feet right beside yours, pressing his body tight against your back. “I can hear your shoulder joint rubbing every time you jab, which means you’re over-extending that left arm. Makes you put way too much energy into each hit, you’re gonna wear yourself out way faster. Here. Step closer.”

You take a few more swings. Matt’s breath is against your ear and you can’t help but feel a chill run down your spine straight to your core. God, his body is warm usually, but being flush behind you as you move and hit, he practically feels like white-hot iron against you. Your heart is thumping out of your chest, and it’s not just from the few swings you’ve taken. You know Matt can hear it and is going to play you like a fiddle. His own wicked form of punishment for not telling him about your training.

“Go ahead, gimme a few more, I want to feel how your body moves. See just what else Frank has been teaching you wrong.”

Frank throws his arms up in offense as you try a few more punches.

“See? More power, less effort.”

You grin, happy to finally be sharing something Matt is clearly so knowledgeable and passionate about with him. Craning your neck, you mesh your lips with his in excitement and only pull away when Frank loudly clears his throat and you remember that he is still there watching the two of you.

“Eh, so you gave her a minor tweak. Still say how I had her doing it was perfectly fine.”

Matt finally steps away from you, turning to face Frank.

“Sure Castle, but I think the real testament to your teaching skills is how she does with an actual partner.”

Matt turns his attention back to you. His hands drop from your shoulders, running down your back lightly and coming to rest on your hips. He plants a soft kiss right under your ear. His stubble is coarse against your skin, sending goosebumps across your flesh, your toes curling into the squishy mat beneath you.

“You throw any actual punches at him yet?” he asks

“A few. Landed some of them too.”

“Let her show you Murdock, maybe she can knock that cocky attitude out of you like I never could.”

Matt chuckles and shakes his head. He steps away from you, holding out a hand and leading you to the center of the room, the area in the gym dedicated to partner sparring.

You stand a few feet apart from your boyfriend, nervous to demonstrate on him. You’re not arrogant enough to think just a few weeks of training with Frank puts you anywhere near Matt’s skill level. But you also know that Matt loves you and will probably take it easy on you just to be supportive and also not hurt you, so you may just be able to get a few swings in. You don’t need the guilt of piling onto his already long list of previous injuries and scars.

Frank approaches behind you, placing a hand on your arm in reassurance as he leans close to your ear.

“Remember that knee to crotch move I showed you last week? The one I said to only use if some creep comes at you head on and you need to take him out quick?”

You nod, already shifting your feet towards the set up position for that move, trying to activate the muscle memory to bring it back into your brain.

“Well” Frank continued, “might not be a bad time to try it.”

You chuckle at his suggestion.

“Frank, you know Matt can hear all of this right?”

You glance over at your boyfriend, amused smirk painted across his lips as he stretches his perfectly toned bicep across his chest, warming up for your little face off. He’s discarded his tight black shirt in a pile beside him. A cheap bid to distract you from the task at hand with his incredible body that he knows you can’t resist.

“Yeah, just figure if he wants to be a jealous fucker why not rile him up some more? Plus it’s the least he deserves for thinking the worst from you and I, of all people.”

You try not to laugh at the statement. Frank’s askew moral compass being perfectly fine with the regular amount of murder he commits, but thinking being a taken woman’s side piece crosses a line.

He squeezes the hand still resting on your bicep in reassurance before stepping away with a wink, sending a wave of goosebumps across your skin, radiating from the point where the warmth of his touch still lingers. Frank always keeps it incredibly professional around you and you know he is pushing against the line of flirting just to get into Matt’s head.

“Ready sweetheart?” Matt asks as you step towards him, gloved fists by your face prepared to fight

“Yeah” you reply and Matt also assumes his stance, nodding in your direction as a go ahead

“Ding ding, round one!” Frank remarks

You go for the right hook first, but Matt easily blocks the hit. You throw a few more punches, all of which Matt dodges and blocks without looking like he’s putting any effort into it. He’s cocky and sly in the way that he moves, refusing to even take one swing at you but making you work stupidly hard just to get nowhere.

Fine. New strategy, you decide.

Swinging a roundhouse knee in the air, you connect directly with his ribs. The oof sounds he lets out gives you a rush of adrenaline knowing you legitimately got a hit on him. It’s incredibly short lived as he’s quick to recover. Rushing towards you, he tackles you to the mat, knocking the wind out of your lungs as your ribs connect with the floor. He’s pinned you to the point where you can barely squirm, knee pressed firmly between your legs while his arms cage you in place.

“Nice try baby, but not good enough.” he whispers in your ear, shifting his leg to provide just a little friction against your core

“Woah, take it easy on her. She’s still a beginner. She’s here to learn, not have you be an asshole to her about something you thought she did.” Frank interjects, pulling Matt off of you

“Just cause you take it easy on her Frank, doesn’t mean I have to. She wants to learn, then let her learn with a real opponent, not just you going easy on her cause she makes your dick too hard to think straight.”

“Woah!” you interject, ripping the boxing gloves off your hands while still flat on your back

“Jesus, Red” Frank exclaims as he offers out a hand to get you back on your feet

“Oh come on Frank, you’ve been hard since she walked in here. Just because you’re not banging my girlfriend doesn’t mean you haven’t thought about it. I can hear it rub against your pants every time you move. You’re a weirdo, but not nearly weird enough to show up to a gym in jeans unless you had a reason.”

“Look, I’d never…” Frank stumbles over his words, redness creeping up his neck as it tenses with every clench of his jaw

Your pulse is thumping loudly in your ears at Matt’s observation, skin flushed with heat in both embarrassment for Frank who is still stammering beside you and also a little flattered that you so effortlessly turn him on so much.

“Never? Even with my permission?” Matt inquires

Frank’s pupils grow wide at Matt’s suggestion

“Woah, hold up Matt. Permission?” you loudly exclaim, offended at Matt’s implication “Like you own me?! I’m my own person, what about my damn permission?!”

Matt scoffs at your statement and steps toward you, spinning you around so your back is once more pressed against him and you are now facing Frank, who is hesitant to look up. His gaze transfixed on the floor as he tries to find the words to refute Matt’s claims. You didn’t think sheepish was a word one could ever use to describe Frank Castle, nor did you think he’d ever back down from a fight with Matt, even a verbal one.

“Okay sweetheart, let’s talk about you then.” Matt speaks lowly, damp bare skin of his rising and falling chest pressing into your back as he speaks, his own hardness obvious as he pulls your body flush against his

“While I appreciate that you haven’t crossed any lines since you started training, that doesn't mean you’re not enjoying these nightly sessions with Frank. Your heartbeat has risen every time he's been within a foot of you or complimented your progress tonight.”

His voice rumbles against the skin of your neck, right hand snaking around to your front, tickling at the top of your leggings. For some reason, you don’t stop him, feeling a little shy but letting him tease you in front of Frank.

“And you want to talk about how wet you were when I first got here?” he continues “I could practically smell you from blocks away. Frank get you that excited, hmm?”

Frank's head snaps up at the statement and he locks eyes with you just as Matt pushes his hand all the way down, collecting the slick he was just describing on his fingers.

“Matt, I…” you attempted to protest, still watching as the lust grows in Frank’s stare while Matt runs his fingers through your folds.

There was no hiding how your body reacted to both men. The evidence drips onto Matt’s fingers as he toys with you.

“No, it’s okay sweetheart.” he reassures, placing a few kisses on your neck “I get it. Frank and I have always said we're two sides to the same coin. It makes sense we’d both find the same woman attractive. And that she’d want us both.”

Matt once again turns his attention to Frank, not relenting in his teasing of you as he slips a finger into your opening, causing a moan to escape from your lips.

“Go ahead, Frank” Matt says with a nod against your shoulder, “if it's okay with her, it's okay with me.”

Frank finally wills himself to step forward. Never wavering in how deeply his gaze is locked on you, he hovers his hands over your waist while Matt continues to lazily pump his fingers in and out of you, waiting for your go ahead. You nod, granting him the permission to finally act on the feelings you’ve both been resisting.

Frank’s trembling hand finally cradles your jaw as he leans into you and softly connects his lips with yours, taking the pace slowly to give you both the space to gauge how you’re feeling.

Matt, on the other hand, is happy to move things along as he pushes another finger inside you. Immediately working his calloused digits against that spongy spot inside you that drives you wild every time. You're not sure what causes you to groan into Frank's mouth, the way Matt touches you so expertly or the tingly sensation spreading through your body as Frank’s tongue and hands begin to explore.

Matt only removes his fingers from your core momentarily to aid Frank in ridding you of your clothes, eager to assist as it now gives him so much more easy access to your sopping cunt.

Warm, wet kisses are placed all over your heated flesh from both men as Frank’s calloused fingers dance all over you, eventually resting just above Matt’s hand to work your clit while Matt picks up his pace.

Your orgasm crashes into you like a strong current against a rocky shore, hands gripping onto Frank’s forearms to hold your self steady as you ride the waves of pleasure to the end. He watches with an almost sort of reverence as you come down, indulging in every beautiful hint of pleasure painted across your face and body.

Your cunt squeezes Matt’s fingers one last time before he removes them, allowing you to fully fall into Frank’s strong form while Matt tastes the nectar of his labor. The groan that escapes his lips is sinful as he indulges in the familiar taste of you. Meanwhile Frank is stepping away from you, shirt joining Matt’s across the gym and jeans following not long after.

You were used to staring at Matt’s scarred and muscular form, but Frank’s sculpted, but slightly beefier body is also decorated with the ghosts of his past. You can’t help but salivate at how well his toned muscles look as he frees his cock and removes the last of his clothing.

He pumps himself a few times while Matt kisses you deeply, guiding you downward.

The squishy gym floor beneath you cushions your knees as you crawl on all fours towards Matt, who is shimmying out of his cargo pants and laying down before you.

Frank follows closely as you makeout with Matt, continuing to touch himself at the sight of your bare body splayed out on the mat. He lunges forward to place a few kisses down your spine as you’re bending forward, ass in the air and inches away from taking Matt into your mouth.

As you begin to suck Matt’s length, his low moans echo out through the musty gym, lips parted in pleasure.

Once Frank is satisfied with how much you’ve got Matt worked up, he slides back up behind you, lining himself up with your entrance. You moan into Matt’s cock as Frank pushes into you.

Alternating between your mouth and your hand, you work Matt up until his eyes are pressed shut, overwhelmed by all the sensory input of Frank fucking you. Matt seizes the opportunity to sit up a little and kiss you deeply, just as Frank begins to increase the harshness of his thrusts. You can’t help but cry out in little mewls and whimpers, as Matt moves kisses down your neck and jaw and guides your lips over his cock once more.

Your legs feel as though they may give out from under you at any moment based on how violently they’re trembling. With Frank only increasing his rhythm and Matt now thrusting up to meet your face and running his nails along your back has you careening closer and closer to your edge once more.

Unable to hold back, you cum with a cry, Matt and Frank both lunging to put their lips all over your skin as you do, sandwiching you in a throng of sweaty flesh and ecstasy.

Pulled fully on your knees now, Matt reaches down to where Frank was just fucking you, running his fingers through your folds again and sending your already overstimulated nerves into over drive.

The room around you now feels stifling, the heat of three bodies in such a state of activity not able to compete with the squeaky and outdated hvac system buzzing above you head. Frank and Matt are both damp, hair sticking to their flushed foreheads as their mouths hang agape in an attempt to slow their panting. Matt’s hazel eyes dart back and forth, reading the signs that both you and Frank are ready for more; the steadying of your heartbeats, the evening of your breaths, and the minuscule sounds of both your muscles relaxing as the seconds tick on. Even though you’ve leveled out a little bit, you’re still dizzy with pleasure and your heart rate surges right back up as Matt moves to position you on your back.

“Atta girl.” Frank encourages as the sticky flesh of your back meets the soft, rubbery floor. He’s laying down beside you, hands roaming over your breasts and taking a nipple into his mouth just as Matt pushes himself forward, beginning to work his tongue all over your pussy.

The crescendo of pleasure begins to grow deep within you again, Matt knowing just how to expertly play you like a conductor leading a symphony as he kisses and sucks on your clit. He inserts a finger just as Frank grabs your jaw, shoving his tongue into your mouth.

Frank’s kisses move down your jaw and towards your ear, whispering sweet praises while Matt continues to eat you.

“Shit sweetheart, look so pretty when you cum. Knew you would. Let me see it again, come on, all over Red’s face. Atta girl.”

While Matt is always phenomenal in bed, never have you heard him talk as filthy as Frank. Usually his moans and grunts turned you on plenty, but Frank’s words are a welcome, new sensation that has another orgasm crashing through you before you even realize its happening.

You practically shove Matt off you as you know he’d be content to just keep going until you were over stimulated to the point of tears. He chuckles and wipes away the slick you left on his mouth and chin.

“Sweetie, you want to help Frank finish while I remind you who you belong to? Hm?” Matt asks as he crawls to hover over you, lining up just the tip of his cock with your slit and causing your cunt to clench around nothing

“Yes, Matt.” you respond, propping yourself up on your elbows so Frank can have his turn fucking your mouth

Frank’s scoff is cut off with a groan of pleasure as you wrap your mouth around him and suck his length towards the back of your throat.

“What Castle?” Matt asks, still teasing your hole while he listens to you blow Frank “You think just because I’m sharing doesn’t mean she’s only mine?”

“Ah shit– I know Red. I know.” Frank replies, chin tilted down to watch the way you look up at him as you swallow him down

“Good.” Matt responds, before harshly thrusting all the way into you.

The vibrations of your moans from how intensely you’re getting fucked, plus the sight of you taking Matt’s dick while sucking him off causes a build up in Frank much quicker than he’d like. Part of his ego doesn’t want to finish before Matt, so he guides you by the jaw off of him and resumes laying on the floor, supporting your head with his chest and guiding your hand to his hardness so he can watch the show and also help you cum a final time while staving off his own orgasm a little while longer.

“That’s it sweetheart” he coos in your ear, hand steady around your throat while you stare up into his eyes and work him over with your hand. Your skin feels on fire as they toy with you, every brush of them against you like electricity firing through your nerves.

You can tell Matt is close by the way his face is scrunched up, focusing on only the feeling of your body beneath his and trying to tune out the rest of the world around. You can only assume Frank is as well, based on how much tighter his grip has gotten around your neck as you continue to jack him off and by how his sweet praises are now replaced with grunts occasionally punctuated by a singular swear word.

Frank reaches his calloused fingers down to goad you along, rubbing your clit in smooth circles, a stark contrast to the harshness of Matt’s now faltering pace.

The slapping of skin over and over combined with the lust-filled groans and moans all of you are making has your head spinning and your final orgasm blooms like a rose in late July, soft and warm and delicate in a way that only these two working in tandem can give you.

Frank watches as you fall apart a final time, not stopping his assault on your sensitive bud until he’s satisfied with how hard you've orgasmed.

You’re totally spent and laying back against Frank. Too distracted by how delicious every drag of Matt’s cock feels against your satisfied walls, you let him use you while you revel in the dissipating fizz of your body being so thoroughly fulfilled. Barely able to even reach up and stroke the taught muscle of Matt’s chest, you do though as a small act of gratitude for sharing you tonight and allowing you to experience such pleasure. Frank takes over for your weak and trembling hands, touching himself while kissing whatever area of your skin he can reach to bring you back down.

Matt’s senses are overwhelmed. The smell of pure sex invades his nostrils and he can still feel the aftershocks of your orgasm in the light pulses of your velvety walls every time he drives into you. Frank’s musky scent blends so beautifully with your natural, floral smell and hearing your satisfied sighs being breathed into Frank's soft kisses is the most beautiful music he’s ever heard. Your hands trace down from his chest and rest on the back of his thighs, encouraging him to find his nirvana as his thrusts become erratic.

“Matty.” you let out in a breathy lament and it finally tips him off the cliff, spilling inside you with a low moan that will echo in your ears for days to come.

Frank, unable to hold himself back any longer and cheekily pleased that he held off longer than Matt, even if it was only for a moment, spills across his stomach and chest as you kiss him through his orgasm while still stroking Matt’s skin to bring him down.

The three of you collapse side by side under the humming fluorescent lights of the gym, labored breathing finally slowing as you all come back to reality.

“Tell you what Red, that was a hell of a warm up for your girl. Ain’t that right sweetheart?” Frank finally speaks up, gravely voice cutting through the silence.

“You’ve got to be kidding Frank, I am not training tonight after all that!” you argue back

Frank turns towards you and presses a kiss to your temple before standing up and finding his clothes.

“Matt, c’mon back me up here.” you turn to your boyfriend and watch as his signature cheeky grin spreads wide across his face.

“You know my dad and I had this mantra, this thing we’d say before every fight he had ‘It ain't how you hit the mat. It's how you get up.’

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“It means, you better get back up and do what Frank tells you.”

#matt murdock #matt murdock x reader #daredevil #frank castle #frank castle x reader #charlie cox #nmcu fic #mcu fic #daredevil fic #matt murdock x you #marvel daredevil #daredevil imagine #jon bernthal

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stuckinapril · 6 months

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Hi Cianna, just wanted to say I really admire your study ethic and general vibe on this blog (you inspire me to do better!)

Do you have any advice/tips for good study habits and staying focused? I find that I get some work done, but after a break I can't get back on track

Sorry for the long ask/ studyblr type of question;; what is your favourite hairstyle that you do with your hair! (I also have curly brown hair :)

Have a lovely day also <3

🌻🌻

hi! i touch on a lot of points in this other ask, but a few specific learning techniques i abide by are:

parkinson's law. parkinson's law states that work expands to fill the time. basically if you have an essay that's due in a week, it will magically take you one week to get it done, even if the task itself could've been done in one day. to counter this i just set artifical deadlines for myself--even if an essay is due in a week, my personal deadline has it due in two days.

prime your brain prior to learning. if you need to study a biology chapter, pre-skim it the night before. this is not the time to go into detail--it's the time to familiarize yourself with the overview of the topic, so you should only be making a quick scan of the chapter. another priming method is to make a concept map of topics before diving into a chapter. as you skim write down key terms haphazardly, google those you don't recognize, and draw a concept map linking them together. this is effective bc it requires you to actually put effort into connecting the topics, takes no longer than 15 minutes, and speeds up the learning process that follows. it doesn't matter if you find out you're wrong once you dive in; what's important is you're actively thinking of how these topics coexist, as opposed to mindlessly taking notes or highlighting only to forget what you learned a couple hours later. i'm also a fan of concept maps bc i get to go back and highlight stuff i'm weak in, which is always a plus.

if you like to take notes, use it as another means of active recall. don't just passively take notes as you go along. what i like to do is i read a paragraph, close the book, then try to take down notes based off memory alone. this helps me both phrase the topic in my own words and realize what my learning gaps are, rather than just passively summarize without putting effort into truly understanding/memorizing something. anything i get wrong i hammer into my brain until i can't get it wrong anymore.

take notes effectively. our brain does not learn in sentences and paragraphs. it learns in bullet points, diagrams, and figures--and that's how i like to frame my notes. first i ask myself if i actually need to take notes to begin with, or if there are online notes out there i can use to save time (which, as a stem student, there typically are). if i do decide to take notes, i never mindlessly summarize. i always condense the material into bullet points, diagrams, concept maps, or visual representations. i also like to phrase my notes as questions rather than just passive summaries, so that when i review them i'm already testing myself in a way. most people would not understand my notes bc they're either very low-yield stuff, stuff i'm weak in, or bare-bones fragments of information.

always prioritize weaknesses. if you're weaker at chapter 18 of your textbook vs chapter 1, maybe start with chapter 18. don't spend 6 hours taking notes on chapter 1 if you're already strong in chapter 1. always attack your weaknesses first.

practice practice practice!! so so important. i owe all my As to mock exams, quizzes i make myself, end-of-chapter questions etc etc. imo practice matters a lot more than passive content review.

interleaving concepts helps with retention. an example of this is i like to do biology and chemistry one day, biochemistry and organic chemistry the next day, physics and psychology the day after... i'm not just doing biology all day, every day. another thing i like to do if i'm in a massive rut is i hop between tons of different subjects on the same day, which keeps me from getting bored/helps me understand the subjects better through distinguishing their differences.

retrospective timetable. an example of this is if i find i'm pretty weak in a particular physics topic, the next few days will disproportionately focus on physics over other subjects. inversely, if i just breezed through a biology chapter, the next few days will have less biology than initially planned. i'm constantly going back and revising my study timetable based on my performance of the day, rather than relying on a rigid prospective timetable that doesn't take into account my progress.

less passive learning, more active. spaced repetition is a big one. i love anki for this bc there's an algorithm that dictates how often topics come up again based on how well you answer them. other methods include active recall, having friends quiz you, and trying to teach the topic to others (or the plushie in your bedroom haha). if you find you're struggling to simplify topics and explain them, that's a sign you don't understand them very well yourself.

#haha no worries <3 answering these asks helps ground me too so it's a pretty symbiotic relationship #and i'm always happy to help!! good luck :)#study tips #ask

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greg-montgomery · 2 years

Text

Ivy - Part 3

gif by: @fatherhotchner <3

Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader (Sean Hotchner x Fem!Reader)

Series summary: Your relationship with your boyfriend, Sean, is going great. Well, that is until you meet his older brother, Aaron.

Part 1 Part 2

Chapter summary: You have a fight with Sean, and find shelter in his brother's house.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

“No way,” you said to your friend who was on the other end of the phone. “Shut up!”

Sean was switching channels on the TV, unable to decide what to watch. Your reactions to whatever your friend was telling you caught his attention, and made him even more uninterested in watching television. He was more interested in you.

“Send me pictures as soon as you get ready tonight. It’s going to look so stunning on you, especially with your black dress,” you squealed with excitement. “Okay, talk to you later. Love you!”

“What happened?” Sean asked, curious, when you hung up.

“Okay so, remember when I went to Madeline’s the other day?”

He nodded, urging you to continue.

“Well, we were looking at jewelry and she showed me this necklace she has been obsessing over for months now, and obviously she knew she could never afford it ‘cause it’s like four thousand dollars. Anyway, she left the tab open on her laptop by accident and her boyfriend saw it and bought it for her as a surprise, can you believe it?”

Sean stayed silent, so you felt the need to explain yourself.

“I mean I’m not into that kind of stuff, but she loves jewelry so she got excited-”

“You don’t have to do that,” he cut you off.

“Do what?”

“Try to make me feel better about myself.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” you defended yourself.

“Come on, everyone likes expensive things,” he said.

“Well yeah, but that’s not what I prioritize in a relationship. That’s not what I care about.”

“Y/N, I told you, you don’t have to do that,” he raised his voice slightly.

“Why are you trying to pick up a fight over nothing?”

“I just don’t like being pitied.”

“That’s not what’s happening. I just didn’t want you to think that I expect gifts like that from you. I only got excited for my friend,” you explained to him.

“Sure.”

That annoyed you. “Okay, Sean, I’m not gonna do this right now. If this is something you’re insecure about, you can’t put it on me; not when I’m being nothing but supportive on your new beginning.”

“Don’t you get it that just by saying these things you make me feel small?”

“That’s enough,” you raised your tone. “We’re supposed to be together in this. You’re not supposed to be embarrassed about how much money you make when it comes to me. We’re supposed to be doing life together.”

“How can I do this when you’re swooning over a gift that could pay our rent for god knows how many months?”

“I didn’t ask you to buy me the fucking necklace, Sean! I didn’t even know you felt like this. I thought…I thought we were doing good.”

“We are,” his voice softened. “We are. You’re the reason I’ve am in the place that I am. You are the one good thing in my life.”

“Then what was this?” your voice softened like his.

“I just feel like I’m not good enough for you.”

“Sean…If you don’t work on yourself - no matter what I say or do - I’ll never convince you you’re good enough just the way you are.”

You tried to move closer to him, comfort him with you touch, but he stopped you.

“Not right now.”

Sean had left the house not even twenty minutes after your fight. He wanted his space and you respected that, so you didn’t call or text him. He’d come back when he was ready.

Still, you were left alone with your thoughts, in an empty house, overthinking the argument. You had stopped crying, but your chest was feeling heavy and your heart was beating fast from anxiety. Fighting with your boyfriend never failed to make you feel sad, stressed and really fucking lonely.

You wanted to talk to someone, you needed a hug, but it was getting late and you didn’t wanna bother anyone by waking them up over a possibly stupid problem.

You couldn’t help your thoughts from traveling to a certain someone. He was definitely awake at this time. Your heart fluttered at the thought of his face. His furrowed brows and dark eyes focused on a piece of paper, refusing to sleep, determined to figure out a case.

Suddenly you needed to see him.

Maybe you could drive to his house. And if he wasn’t there, he would simply not open the door and you’d drive back home. No damage done.

So you followed the plan. Arriving at his house, though, you finally realized what you were doing. And what you were doing was one word: stupid.

What if Jack was there and he was asleep? You’d wake the kid up just by ringing the bell.

Or what if Aaron had someone over? You cringed at the thought of the door opening, and you standing there with eyes red from crying, looking up at Aaron and then noticing a girl in a pretty dress, sitting on the couch behind him and asking him who’s at the door.

You shut your eyes to shake the thought away. What an awful image. You hated the girl in the pretty dress already.

“What if you just texted him to check?” the little devil on your shoulder suggested and who were you to say no?

You: Are you awake?

Aaron: Yes. Is everything okay?

You: Yeah don’t worry. Are you home?

Aaron: I am. Is something wrong?

You: I’m outside. Can you open the door?

You heard his footsteps and your heart got crazy. Soon the door opened and you saw him.

Casual Aaron: the best Aaron.

“Y/N, are you okay? What’s wrong?” his voice was worried and soft and it made you melt and soon the tears were back in your eyes.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know where else to go,” your voice broke.

“What happened?” he asked, and walked closer to you. His hands touched your shoulders. “Are you hurt? Tell me.”

You shook your head no. “I’m fine. Sean and I had a fight and-” you paused because of a sob, “and I didn’t wanna be alone. I’m sorry if you have plans, I can go, it’s totally fine.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” he said and moved his hand on your back to urge you to walk into his home.

You took a look around. No girl in a pretty dress on his couch, thank God.

“Can I sit?”

“Of course. Do you need anything? Some water maybe? Or tea to calm you down?”

“Maybe later,” you smiled and sat down.

“Do you wanna talk about what happened?” he asked when he took a seat next to you.

“We fought over the stupidest thing. And I’m starting to doubt if it was even his fault in the first place. Maybe I hurt his feelings without realizing? But then again, before today, I had never talked about guys spoiling their girlfriends or anything. So what was that? I don’t know…”

Aaron listened to you without saying anything.

“You must think I’m talking nonsense,” you said.

He smiled. “It’s a bit hard to understand you fully without context, but most of your words make sense to me. It’s normal not to know who’s at fault after a fight. Sometimes in the process of trying to understand the other person’s feelings we invalidate our own. ”

“Okay, Oprah,” you sniffled.

He glared at you. “That’s the thanks I get for trying to help.”

“Sorry,” you giggled. “Thank you. And thank you for letting me in.”

“Y/N, of course. My home is always open for you.”

Somehow you already knew that. That’s why you were there when it was almost midnight.

“Is Jack here?”

“Mhm…he’s sleeping,” Aaron said. “He had a football game today so he was exhausted. He fell asleep in two seconds. I didn’t even manage to finish reading him a single page of the book.”

“Sweet angel,” you laughed fondly.

“If you stay here tonight, you’ll see him in the morning.”

“Aaron, I don’t wanna intrude. I’ll be just fine,” you quickly responded.

“There’s no way I’m letting you drive back home this late alone. And because I can’t leave Jack here to drive you myself - unless Sean comes here to pick you up - you’re staying,” he said.

“But-”

“No buts.”

“Okay,” you whispered.

You sat there in silence for a bit. Until you decided to break it.

“Aaron?”

“Hm?”

“Can you hold me for a bit?” you asked and in a matter of seconds he had pulled you into his strong arms.

You buried your nose in the crook of his neck. Of course he smelled like heaven. Why did he have to smell like heaven?

This hug was exactly what you needed to finally let go. Your eyes felt watery again and you started crying, quietly this time.

You cried because Sean didn’t feel like he was good enough for you. You cried because Sean loved you, he really did, but there you were, in his brother’s arms, and there was no place you’d rather be. You cried because the thoughts you had about Aaron the night before made you feel dirty. You cried because being held by Aaron felt safer than anything in the world. You cried because you realized that your heart had finally slowed down just by beating against his.

“Y/N!” Jack’s sweet voice filled the kitchen.

“Hi, angel,” you gave him a hug as he ran to you. “Good morning!”

“Good morning! Are you gonna have breakfast with us?” he asked, and started jumping up and down when your hug was over.

“I am,” you grinned.

“Can I sit with you?”

“Of course,” you said and pulled him on your lap. “Your daddy made pancakes. But we have to add some fruit too, right?”

He made a face.

“Jack,” you scolded him, but were biting back a smile.

“Fine,” he said and grabbed a fork from the table.

“Maybe I should have you here every morning, if you can convince him that easily,” Aaron interrupted.

“Best job ever,” you joked and kissed Jack’s cheek.

The two of you laughed and Aaron joined you at the table.

Who knew that eating pancakes with two cute Hotchners could be so healing? You had almost forgotten that you had cried yourself to sleep the night before, with Aaron’s scent on his sheets being your only comfort. You felt so bad that he had slept on the couch because of you, but it was obvious that there was no way he’d let you sleep there instead.

After taking the last bite from your plate, you noticed the screen of your phone light up.

Sean: Babe I’m sorry. Where are you? I wanna talk.

You lifted your head and your eyes met with Aaron’s.

“All good?” he mouthed at you, so Jack wouldn’t notice.

You smiled at him and nodded your head.

You could steal a few peaceful moments with them before you had to deal with real life. It was safe there and you weren’t ready to let go just yet.

Part 4

ivy tag list: @preciousbabypeter @buckysmainhxe @galaxyofmyown @ssamorganhotchner @romanogersendgame @elhotchner @louderfortheback @northschild @iammirrorball @rousethemouse @kishie8 @save-the-sky @ssacharcoalgrey

#i can’t stfu so i’ll say that next chapter is gonna be 👀#aaron hotchner #hotch #criminal minds #aaron hotchner x reader #hotch x reader #sean hotchner x reader #ivy #hotch 🪐

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ratrrriot · 1 year

Note

Sonic art tips for a young artist pleasee :)

wow thanks for thinking my advice is worth asking for, i'm flattered! here are some tips that helped me learn how to draw them:

Starting by drawing a structure of basic shapes always helps with proportions,but if you decide to use one,don't let it make your drawing stiff! make sure to draw that structure with loose lines and don't think too hard about it. Movement and dynamism are core aspects of these characters,prioritize that over things like symmetry.

Unless you want the characters to look like they're made of rubber or super soft,avoid working exclusively with round edges. instead try making part of their bodies a litttle more sharp and exaggerate some corners. Try finding the perfect balance between sharp and round lines for each one so they look more natural and dynamic.

Pay attention to the proportions of the characters heads in relation to their hands,the length of their legs,the shape of their tummies and eyes,etc. but more importantly,pay attention to the spaces in-between all of those things. For example,the space between their eyes and the end of their foreheads varies from character to character. Details like where the ears are placed in relation to the eyes or how far their quills reach in relation to their backs are just as key as obvious things like what color they are.

Try to find at least a bit of volume in their muzzles. You don't need to take it as far as me cuz i like to exaggerate it but always remember that they aren't plain and try to visualize them separately from the character’s heads before drawing them.

To understand what makes each character recognizable shape-wise, i suggest using more than one pic of each as reference and seeing if there are any differences between them. then choose what you want to keep in your drawings of them and what not.

Don't feel preassured to always draw these characters in any of the official styles (if not ever), just draw them the way that’s more comfortable and fun for you!

Understanding and studying what you draw is important and incredibly useful, BUT it can become very stressful and frustrating when the results aren't what we wanted, Plus, practice is the most important factor when it comes to getting better at drawing and if you don't enjoy the process you don't practice as much. So if you stop having fun at some point or frustration starts taking over,make sure to take a break from working based on how the drawings is “supposed “ to look and instead think about your work process and see what needs to be changed for it to be enjoyable again (Even if it means ignoring all the tips i just mentioned until now and literally not thinking about what you're doing for a while!!). I certainly know i need a break from using my brain while drawing from time to time so i let myself momentarily forget everything I’ve ever learned about anatomy and structure and just doodle Sonic like a kid who just got new pencils. It's good for the heart and recharges motivation!!

And lastly, if you feel like Sonic & friends are hard to draw,it's not just you: they ARE hard to draw and for most it takes years to be able to draw them with ease. I still struggle with them from time to time even when in'm drawing them in my own style.

Hope these help! idk if these tips will be useful for everyone and i still have a lot to learn, so if you decide not to use any of these, that's cool. Good luck drawing these guys regardless!!

#rat answers #art talk

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billthedrake · 1 year

Text

GOALS (PART TWO)

Story idea by and collaboration with top son Turner ([email protected]).

[AUSTIN]

It was a shitty week.

It all started bright and early Monday morning. I had to get back to the suburbs for work, and Scott had to get into the office. I don't know exactly what I expected but Scott was definitely quiet and moody as we quickly got ready. There was no kiss goodbye, no hug even. Just a "see you at the gym" comment from him.

Only I didn't see him at the gym, not Tuesday. He'd sent me a text saying work stuff had come up and he'd have to reschedule. In itself, that wasn't a big deal. Scott Delahunt had prioritized the gym over the last year and a half, but he also had a demanding, important job. This wasn't the first time he couldn't make it.

But instead of his normal apologetic tone at our next meeting, the man was reserved.

"Everything OK?" I asked as I put on some more weights on the bench. At least Scott was channeling whatever moodiness he had into the lifts... he was on fire that day, actually. I wasn't sure what kind of conversation I was expecting in the gym. But his standoffishness was driving me crazy.

"Yeah," he said, looking at me with slightly wounded eyes. I could tell he wasn't mad at me, but he was really upset about the sex. "Just been busy at work is all."

I'd have to leave it at that. "Well, you're looking really strong in here today."

"Thanks," he muttered. Then got back on the bench for another set. All business.

The kicker for the week was that my dad came to visit Friday. Not me specifically, but he and my stepmom Janet were in Nashville for a weekend on the town. So I went to meet them for dinner. Lots of small talk, lots of Dad's wisecracks about Nashville being "sin city," and the usual blustery questions about when I was gonna get a serious girlfriend.

I answered as well as I could, but Dad wouldn't let up. "For Chrissake Austin, you're 24."

My stepmom actually came to the rescue. "For goodness sake, Frank, leave the poor boy alone."

I'd held off on any other Friday plans, but Dad and Janet clearly wanted to hit the country bars on their own. As we left the restaurant, Dad stretched out his hand for a handshake. "Good to see you, son." I knew I wouldn't see him again until Christmas.

The whole ride home I was mad at him. Then I was mad at myself for letting him get to me. What did I expect? There's that saying about insanity and expecting different results.

I was mopey when I got home. I cracked open a beer, which I rarely do at home. I wondered why I didn't have the guts to tell Dad that I'm gay. I'd spent my college years very much in the closet and enjoying secret sex with my professor. I loved playing that role for him, the "straight" jock who'd nail his ass at least twice a week.

Now that I'd moved back to Brentwood, I decided I wouldn't necessarily hide the gay thing but I wouldn't advertise it either. I'm not sure what made me be forthcoming with Scott Delahunt. Maybe I felt I could trust him. Maybe unconsciously I wanted something to happen. I was glad it did, only there was a good chance I'd lost him as a client and more importantly as a friend. Fuck... business and pleasure definitely shouldn't mix.

I picked up my phone. It wasn't too late, and I knew I had to call. Jason was my best friend at UT, a teammate who I felt like I could share anything with. Except one thing...

"Austin!" came his response as he answered, seeing my name on the caller ID. "What's up, man?" We called each other all the time, but not usually at this hour.

"Hi man... listen... I know it's out of the blue to ring you up, but I had something I gotta tell ya."

"Everything OK, Aust'?"

"Yeah, I'm OK. I just... well, I wanted to let you know that I'm gay, Jason," I blurted out.

There was silence on the other end. Then: "For real?"

My heart pounded. Here was my best bud in the whole world and he still was even after college and me moving to Nashville and him to Atlanta. And I had no idea how he'd take it. He was a typical jock, I guess, and very much a pussy hunter. "For real. Sorry I didn't have the guts to tell you before."

"You know you're my brother, man," he said. "Right?"

I let out a sigh. "Yeah, bro. Thanks."

I could sense an awkward pause on the other end. "Listen, bro... I hate to cut the conversation short, but I'm actually on a date right now."

"Oh fuck!" I blurted. "Sorry, man." I'd been so absorbed in my own drama.

He chuckled. "It's all good," he said. "But we'll catch up this weekend, OK?"

"All right. Sorry again, Jase. Catch ya later.

That conversation was what I needed. I don't know… it cleared the air some. The next morning I decided I needed some relief for my morning wood. As I made my coffee, I fired up one of the apps to see what was on there.

I got a message. "Hi man. You really discreet?"

I typed back. "I always am."

I waited a sec then got another message. "Well, you're really hot."

"Thanks," I replied.

"I bet you get a lot of guys telling you that."

"My fair share," I admitted.

"OK if I share my pics?" His profile was pretty minimal, which itself wasn't a bad thing. Married or unavailable men didn't usually put much on their profiles, so you never knew if you were getting a troll or a stud.

"Yeah, sure," I said. I made it clear it was noncommittal.

He showed me his pictures. He wasn't Scott Delahunt hot, but I decided not to be picky. I was horny and in the mood to get off. The man seemed like a regular suburban guy in his late 40s.

"Looks good," I wrote.

"I don't bottom, but I'd love to suck your dick this morning," he wrote.

It was to the point. I often like to chat a good bit with guys, since it helps me suss out if they're on the level and figure out if there's sexual compatibility. Also for me sex is in large part a mental thing, and I love the build up before the act.

That said, I know it's not the etiquette to be too chatty on the apps, and this dude seemed to have a very limited time. He gave off that lying to a wife about making a Home Depot run kind of vibe. I told him to come over.

When he showed up I was a little thrown off guard that he didn't look exactly like his pictures. He had a goatee and was much grayer than his photo. That itself was actually a turn on, but he was also overweight... not fat, but girthy in his jeans and T-shirt.

"Dang, dude, you're hot," he said as he stepped in. At least his voice was deep and masculine. Then seeing my reaction, he prompted. "Is this gonna work man?"

I could tell he was excited for this, and I relented. "As long as you know how to suck dick," I blustered as I pulled down my shorts and gripped my dick to prime the pump. I hadn't fully lost my erection and was still feeling worked up.

I watched his big body scramble down and get down to service me. This wasn't Married Guy's first cock. He explored me with his tongue for just enough to work me up, then he took me into his mouth. It was a skilled, no-nonsense blow job. Two minutes tops. If that. I looked down and watched that silver-haired head bob up and down. I conjured up a fantasy about my high school math teacher. Then it happened. I came. It felt great.

Married Guy suckled me and gave a final soft kiss to the head as he pulled off. "Guess you needed that, huh, buddy?" he chuckled. I could tell he was proud he'd gotten me off so quickly.

"Pretty much," I said as I reached down to pull up my shorts.

He stood up and rearranged the boner in his jeans. "Well hit me up again if you need that bad boy taken care of," he said. He was clearly thrilled at playing with a man on the side. "Can't always get away from the Mrs. but it was worth it today."

"Will do," I said. My demeanor was friendly enough but maybe giving that frosty time-to-go signal. I was a little relieved when he left.

I had gotten my rocks off and that was nice, but I felt the psychological part hadn't been that rewarding.

But it was like the heavens were going to reward me for the so-so sex and for my unrequited feelings for Scott. My buddy Rick asked me if I wanted to catch the season opener for the Predators at a downtown sports bar. I'm not a big hockey fan, but the Predators had come off a great season and there was a buzz in the city around the team. Scott had actually canceled his Friday morning session at the gym, so I'd have an extra hour before I had to be at work that next morning.

Rick was a fellow trainer and a couple of his college friends came with us. I was the odd man out not really following the game but it was fun just inhabiting the hightop of that crowded bar and cheering each goal against the Rangers.

But eventually my eye was drawn to a table of businessmen at the table next to us. Three suit and tie guys, though their jackets were on their chairs and their ties long gone from the day at work or some convention. Given their reaction to the game, they were New Yorkers, or at least Rangers fans.

My attention was drawn to the oldest of the bunch. A sturdy built guy in a regular business man kind of way. Tan lingering from his late summer vacation, brown eyes and thinning silver hair cut almost military short, he had a kind of Jersey/Long Island daddy look that appealed to me. Best of all, his pecs filled out a pale blue dress shirt and his ass looked great in his gray trousers.

Maybe I was looking over too much because Silver Daddy caught me and gave a knowing smile. Not a flirty smile, but a “yeah, I know you're checking me out” smile. I figure straight dudes in New York are used to getting attention from gay guys all the time.

I got another pint just as the third period started. Seemed like Silver Daddy was working on another beer, too. I got the feeling they'd started early, because their booming voices just kept getting louder.

I played it cool, not so much hiding my interest from the man but rather not trying to be obvious around my buddies. But Silver Daddy started slyly looking back to me. The first time he did gave me a boner under the table, and I was half hard for the rest of the game. Playing cat and mouse with our surreptitious eye contact.

My friends were in a great mood when the game was over, since the Predators won. They tried to convince me to hit one of the more partying country bars on Broadway but I told them I had an early morning and said I'd just hang out at the sports bar and finish my beer.

I don't know if I expected anything to happen. But when I watched Silver Daddy go to the bar to order another round, I took my chance and stepped up next to him, to order my own drink.

He flashed me a drunken smile. "Your friends left you," he said. Not quite a slur but he was definitely drunk.

"Yeah," I said. "Fraid so." I replied in a way that suggested I wasn't at all upset by that turn of events.

"Let me get ya a drink," he said. His accent was New York all right.

I nodded. "Sure." I told him what I was having.

Just then one of guys came up and clapped Silver Daddy's shoulder. "Listen, Bob, we're actually gonna call it a night. See you tomorrow."

The man didn't miss a beat. "Yeah, sure, Greg. I might play hooky and skip the first session," Silver Daddy bellowed.

"I hear ya. I might be in the same boat tomorrow. Why the fuck did I let Connors convince me to do shots? I'm not fucking 22," he growled.

"Remember... water and aspirin before bed." Silver Daddy said. I couldn't tell if it was a joke or real advice.

The man shook his head. "All right... go easy, man." He clapped Bob's shoulder and then walked off.

"Guess it's just you and me," he smirked.

"Guess so," I said. God, I hadn't really had a situation like this before, but it was fun.

He leaned in, a naughty look on his face. "My hotel is nearby. Feel like skipping the beers?"

"Yeah," I said. I was starting to get hard again, but hopefully my boner wouldn't show too much. Up close this man was more solid than he looked from the distance even.

He winked and patted my shoulder. "Let me pay the tab and I'll get my jacket."

He had a swagger as we left the bar and walked down the street. I kept looking over at him. About 6'1" with very upright posture, almost chest puffing out. He had a prominent nose and forehead, which stuck out more from the receding and thinning hair. If he wasn't so clearly a businessman, I might have placed him as a coach type. I placed him in his mid 50s, but he'd taken good care of himself.

"I'm Austin, by the way," I said, realizing we hadn't even introduced ourselves.

"Bob," he replied in turn.

"You in town for business?" I asked. He could have been local, but from his talk at the bar I gathered not.

He looked over at me. "You got it," he blustered. The man had one volume for speaking it seemed. "E-Commerce Convention." He flashed a grin at me. "This was the last thing I expected to happen tonight, I'll tell you."

I smiled back. "Me either," I admitted.

He chuckled. "You do this often?"

"Not enough."

"I hear ya," he said. I could tell he had his hands in his trouser pockets to keep his own boner from being obvious. That thrilled me. "But I figure what happens in Nashville stays in Nashville, right?" The guy liked to talk. "Got a girlfriend or anything?"

I was a little nervous having this conversation so openly on the street, but no one was around to listen or care. I shook my head. "I stick with guys," I replied.

That seemed to surprise him. "Yeah, man? You should come up to New York... give those muscle gays some competition."

This was a man of surprises, but I was happy to go along for the ride. "Is that what you're into?" I asked.

This was the first and only time I saw a flicker of embarrassment on his handsome, middle-aged face. "When I'm in the mood to play that way... yeah, that flicks my switch."

"Just to be clear," I put it out there. "I don't bottom."

He chuckled some as if he found my top assertiveness cute. "All right, stud... I'm sure we can have some fun."

I felt a little bad that this was the hotel Scott and I had stayed in. Different floor, different room, but same look and furnishings... even the view out the window was the same. But Bob was night and day different from Scott. I didn't know his story but he clearly had experience with men.

"Fuck, you're hot," he growled as the room door clicked. Our bodies met, then we kissed. I loved his energy and his meaty bulk and that suit. It was impetuous and horny, the way we fueled each other's sexual excitement. We ground our crotches into one another and made out in a drunken sloppy kiss.

And already this Silver Daddy was reaching down to fumble with my jeans, undoing them and reaching in to grip my boner. "Nice one," he growled then stepped back to undo his own belt. Maybe I normally like being top dog, but I had to admit Bob had a nice tool. Long as mine and thicker. It fell out, heavy and then jerked up to a standing position.

"You suck a guy?" he asked.

"Yeah, sometimes," I replied. I wanted to get a taste. I crouched down and felt that soft wool fabric of his suit then leaned forward. His prick tasted salty and the tip was dewey with precum. I gave him a quick couple of licks then started taking him into my mouth

"Fuck yeah, man." God, I hoped the room had some soundproofing.

I wasn't a natural or skilled cocksucker, but I settled in to do right by him. Bobbing up and down on his thick tool. Not going deep, because that girth was a lot for me. But I settled into a good rhythm on about 3 and a half inches of his stalk. The brash guy was surprisingly quiet as I fellated him, standing with his legs apart and running his fingers through my hair.

Maybe it was the alcohol, but he didn't seem in a rush to get off. After a couple of minutes I pulled back and got one more look of his meaty erection before looking up.

"My turn." It half question, half statement.

I stood up and kicked off my sneakers. Bob stepped back and removed his suit jacket, hardon still spit wet and sticking out of his fly. He gave me another wink, then turned to take off the rest of his clothes.

I followed suit and admired the view as I watched this middle-aged stud get onto the bed. He had some padding but some strong muscle, a classic ex-jock build. Blocky pecs, big arms, and a general thickness. He wasn't all that hairy, but his dusting of chest and stomach hair was also graying and I found that hot. There was just some dirty blond in his wiry pubes around that tubesteak.

I climbed on top of him, meeting him in another kiss and feeling our body contact. Bob got into it, which got me into it. I don't know if he was Scott Delahunt perfect, but in his own way this business guy was hotter. He humped up into me as we made out and his hands were on me.

"Jesus," he grunted, the loud voice returning. "You're a muscle dude all right," he growled.

I grinned down on him. I about told him I was a personal trainer, but figured that wasn't important.

"Figures you'd be a top," he said. Then, "Well, I have a couple condoms in my bag if you wanna get in me."

"Fuck yes," I said, which made Bob laugh. Even with a rubber, I knew I'd enjoy this.

"Just let me sit on it first," he said. "It's been a while."

I agreed and got off him so he could go fetch the rubbers and lube. He hadn't blown me yet, but that was OK. I was rock hard as I lay back against the headboard, while Bob applied some lube to my stalk, then rolled down a condom. He then lubed that.

His dick was rock hard and he had a lusty look on his face as he straddled me. I watched his chest muscle flex some as he reached down and back to guide my dick into place. His eyes seemed to drink up the sight of my body beneath him. "God, you remind me of a couple of fellas on my son's hockey team."

Good fuck, he was gonna push my buttons big time. I ran my hands along his meaty thighs. "You ever do anything with them?" I asked, my voice cracking in lust.

He smiled. "One of them, yeah...."

And like that he pushed back. I felt the snugness and then I entered his hot, right rectum. The man let out a hiss and paused, then descended down some. "You're big," he smiled, then with a determined look pushed all the way down. "OH FUCK!" he growled. I was getting into his vocal nature. But equally I was enjoying feeling up his more mature muscle. He was the kind of man who'd be hot to fuck well into his 60s, and that idea excited me perversely.

It took some restraint not to thrust into him right away, but my prick was rigid and throbbing inside him, having the mental side of the fuck make up for the lack of physical stimulation to my dick.

But it didn't take him long to relax. And with a steady motion, he rose up and fell down into my lap. Fucking himself on me. I loved watching him. His whole body getting into it as he stroked his cock and rode me. This man loved sex, and had no hangups about bottoming for me.

It was like he was reading my mind. "You know how to bring out my naughty side, stud," he said.

I now gave small thrusts up into him, to meet his bouncing. "Like with that hockey player?" I ventured.

He grinned. "Austin... talk about naughty... Mark is my best friend's son."

"Fuck!" I groaned.

"That shit turn you on?" he laughed.

I nodded. "Yeah it does."

He rode me a little faster, though his stroke on his cock kept the same pace. "Mark's fucked me a couple dozen times," he admitted. Maybe he was making it up as sex talk to work me up, but I think he was telling the truth.

I couldn't help it. I gripped his hips and took charge of the fuck, pushing up into his guts with steady hard strokes.

"That's it, stud," Bob growled. "Go for it." He reached down and felt up my chest and arms. I didn't know if I was a replacement for some college-aged hockey player, but it was OK if I was. Then he asked, "Wanna switch positions?"

He didn't wait for an answer but simply rose off me and plopped down next to me. Already he was lifting his legs up, giving me room to scoot between them. He was a hunk and a half, not magazine perfect but hotter for it. I placed his calves on my shoulders and pressed forth.

"I want you to cum," I urged as I began fucking him. My voice urgent even if I knew I wasn't going to cum with the rubber. My hips worked him in strong, physical shoves.

"Yeah," he hissed. Even if the alcohol and maybe his age had kept his trigger at bay, he was getting into it now. His eyes wildly on me and his fist working that thick tool faster. "Harder, stud!" he yelled.

I went for it. Hard and fast. His face went red and he nodded excited.

"Yeah... yeah... oh shit!"

His cum flew out with a crazy suddenness. He wasn't a big cummer but two heavy ropes flew out onto that meaty chest before his sperm oozed out in dribbles.

I pulled out and stripped off the condom. It wouldn't take me long to cum now, at all.

But Bob had different ideas. "Bring it up here," he urged.

I hadn't ever shot on a guy's face, but the idea seemed hot as hell. I scooted up and fisted my tool an inch away from his handsome business daddy mug. But he batted my hand away and leaned forward.

I was gonna get my blowjob after all. Bob didn't seem bothered by the lube and the latex taste as he sucked me in and bobbed.

About five bobs and I blasted hard. The man moaned excitedly as I filled his craw with my fresh sperm. I pulled out so I could see some spray on his chin. I felt I deserved that.

I was still dribbling in aftershocks even as I sat on the bed next to him.

He had come down from his orgasm and looked up at me with a smile. "Good for you, I take it?"

I nodded. "More than good," I replied. "I needed a lay like that."

"You caught me in the right mood," he said.

"Drunk?" I teased.

He laughed. "That helps," he said. "Listen, no pressure... but I'm in town for another day, if you wanna hook up again."

"It would be hard to say no," I said.

"Is that a no?" he asked, unsure what I meant.

"That's a yes," I clarified.

He ran his hand up my leg and then nudged his fingers against my genitals, which twitched at the touch. "I just want to take advantage of my free time away, you know?" He looked up from my cock to my face. "You can sleep here if you want."

"I'd have to get up early," I warned him. Even with Scott's cancelled session, I had to be at the gym by 7:30.

"I'll set the alarm... you can get up when you like," he said. He patted my leg once more and got up to go to the bathroom. He pissed and washed off some, I gathered, but when the door opened and he strutted back, naked, his body showing off the tan line from that beach vacation. he had a glass of water and two aspirin, which he popped in his mouth.

I got up to piss myself and as he watched me pass him, he added, "yeah, you'd give those New York guys a run for the money, all right."

[SCOTT]

"Where's your head, Delahunt?" Rich Kennedy asked after my drive on the 14th hole went wide. Way wide. "That's the third lousy shot today."

"Motherfuck!" I hissed. I was normally a good golfer, and I didn't take a bad day well.

"Oh Scotty's been in a pissy mood for weeks," Dave Feldman chimed in. I was the last of our foursome to tee off, and I think the fellas knew I was gonna slow down our group.

The fourth guy, Ed wisecracked as he looked at his phone. "He's probably checked his retirement account. Another shit day on the market fellas."

That seemed to ease the tension some and as we went on down the fairway, the conversation turned to investments and whether it was time to change the allocation for our nest eggs. It was the kind of conversation we had a lot.

I had to admit Dave was right. I had been in a bad mood. Ever since that night with Austin. I tried to get him out of my head but that attempt was making me miserable. The one exception was with Kelly. Maybe I was overcompensating but my guilt at cheating on her put me into charm mode with my wife. We'd even had sex a few times lately, which was a nice change and a welcome reminder that my heterosexuality wasn't gone.

Thing was, my bisexuality wasn't either. Sex with Austin had been amazing. I'd still throw hard during the middle of the day, almost every day, thinking back on it. I don't know, something about the combination of hardness and softness, of Austin's innocent charm and his jock masculinity, really turned me on. It was a revelation to me.

I knew I was playing with fire, even sticking with Austin as my trainer. But I kept my distance. I felt my improved physique was the best change of my life lately. I didn't want to stop that.

Our Friday training sessions were going as normal. Me focusing on a solid lower body workout and giving it 110 percent. We made some small talk, but kept it light. But for three weeks I'd avoided any talk of the Titans. Today I brought up the football talk. Austin seemed to relax and get into his fantasy team for the week and his plan to watch the game with some of his trainer buddies. I wondered if any of those guys knew Austin was into guys, but I figured younger people aren't as judgmental as people of my generation.

Whereas my Tuesday or Wednesday sessions were late afternoon, I tended to meet Austin first thing in the morning, so I could get a round of golf in for the afternoon if the weather allowed.

I'd showered and dressed in my suit for work when I saw Austin waiting outside the locker room. He had an envelope in his hand and a nervous look on his face.

"I didn't overpay you, did I?" I asked. "I'm hoping to make up that session I missed..."

He shook his head. "No... open it later," he said. "OK?"

"Yeah sure," I said. He gave me a sad nod and went back to a client who was stretching between sets.

I had a pit of my stomach feel for what was in the envelope. Or at least a ball park idea. As I got into my BMW, I tossed my gym bag on the front seat and nervously opened the letter. The writing was in pen in what I'd describe as a neat scrawl.

"Dear Scott,

Forgive my handwriting. And forgive my writing what I don't have the guts to tell you face to face.

I want to apologize to you. I crossed a line with you, and I got you to do something you didn't feel comfortable with. I almost expected you to find another trainer, and I wouldn't blame you if you did.

But I miss our friendship. Maybe that's not respecting a professional line, too, but I consider you a friend first and foremost. We can forget what happened if it would help.

There's some other sappy stuff I wrote but I tore those letters up. This is enough.

your trainer,

Austin"

My heart sank. I thought I'd be strong enough to resist this special young man. But I was pulling out my phone for a quick text. "Read your letter. You have any time to meet this afternoon? In private."

He was the kind of trainer to be focused on his clients, so it wasn't until I got to the office that I saw the text that awaited me. "I have a window between noon and 4." I typed back to see if 12:30 would work. I had a 2PM tee time. He responded back with his address and a question mark. I said yes.

The morning would have felt like torture had my calendar not been full. I'd have to catch up on work tomorrow morning, but it was one of those beautiful October days that was perfect golfing weather, and I wanted to take advantage of it.

I had to text Austin I was running late, but traffic was OK. He was there, still in his work attired of zip up and trim-cut sweats. God, he looked like a million bucks. Cute yet masculine, his dimples forming as he gave a nervous smile.

"Hey," he said as he ushered me in.

I looked around. It felt like a bachelor's apartment. Clean and basic, not a lot of decoration. "Nice place," I said.

"Thanks," he said. "Have a seat," he gestured to the couch.

I sat down, facing him. The ball was in my court. "I know I've been standoffish lately," he started. "Austin... I can't hurt my family."

The younger man grimaced. "I know... I don't want you to, Scott. Seriously."

I felt a little relieved. This was unchartered territory for me. "I wasn't going to tell you... but I enjoyed what we did... a lot."

His eyes perked up. "For real?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "Maybe a little too much."

"Did that freak you out?" he asked. Concerned.

I shook my head. "Not in itself. More about the stepping out on Kelly part. And what it meant for my marriage."

"Oh," he said.

"Even if things haven't been great with Kelly lately, I'm not going to leave her," I said.

I could read in Austin's quietness he was nervous of saying the wrong thing. But he finally spoke up. “If you wanna fool around, Scott, I’m really discreet, I promise.”

I blushed. “Come on, Austin,” I pleaded. I very much liked the idea of what he was suggesting, and maybe that’s why I was pissed at him for suggesting it.

“Sorry,” he said. “I just had to try.”

“Sorry, Austin,” I said softly. I felt so many mixed emotions then. And yeah, I wanted him again. Wanted to feel more what sex was like with this stud. Instead, I stood up. “I better go,” I said.

He nodded. He stood up and walked me to the door. “Let me know if you’d like help finding another trainer,” he said with resignation.

I knew he was giving me an out. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to take it. “I don’t want another trainer, Austin,” I said, frustration in my voice. “You’re good at what you do. I just need some boundaries.”

“I get it, Scott,” he said. “See you at the gym.”

I was actually hyperventilating when I get to my car. I didn’t start it right away though. Instead, I thought about what would happen if I’d let the conversation go the other way. “Fuck!” I grunted aloud to myself, then opened the car door.

Austin was surprised as hell when he answered the door and saw me there. I gathered my courage while I had it and stepped inside, shutting the door and then turning to him. ‘

“God,” he hissed, so turned on now that he realized what was going on. We met in a kiss, more heated than the one in the hotel room. It was like the several weeks had led to the pent-up lust that came pouring out. My first time with Austin had felt strange and unfamiliar, and in a way I was glad to have that behind me.

I got down in front of him, crouching right there. He was hard for me already, fully hard, and I could see that thick tool riding up into a tent of his sweats. He helped me pull off his sweats and with a goofy grin he hooked his thumbs in his waistband to pull it over his dong.

"I didn't get a look the last time," I said then looked up into his eyes. "I didn't think I'd get into a guy's dick like this."

"But you do...?" Austin clarified.

"Maybe because of the fine man it's attached to... but yeah." I looked at his cock again, thrilled to see it firm and pointing straight up. He wasn't giant but he was hung, and there was just something so beautiful about his erection. I looked back up into his face, where I saw happiness, excitement and thrill.

My hand touched his hard quad muscle and that’s all the signal he needed. He lined up his prick to my lips. "I’ve been thinking about this a lot, Mr. D," he whispered hoarsely.

I had been thinking a lot about this too. “Will sex get in the way of the friendship thing?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Fuck no, Scott." Then. “Come on, pretty please, man. Suck me.”

I breathed in his scent, then leaned in. "Ohhh," he grunted as I began sucking him.

I didn't know what I was doing last time. I still didn't. But I knew I was better at this, and I could read in Austin's voice and body that he was crazy turned on. I was learning my suit was part of the thrill for him and the whole "exec" type I represented to him.

I pulled off and enjoyed the sight of his engorged cock, twitching and wet with my spit. Not far from shooting.

"When you feel ready, just come in my mouth, OK?" I asked.

He nodded like he couldn't believe what was happening. That made me want to give it my all. I took about four inches into my mouth, making it five as I bobbed up and down furiously. My gag reflex didn't kick in, which I was grateful for. I'd missed this, missed the feel and act of a cock in my mouth. Missed making another man cum.

Austin's load was big. It took me by surprise and I coughed a little before I remembered what he did last time. I pulled back so the prick head spurted on my tongue. I don't know if that felt best for Austin, but I decided I loved that part. I tasted and swallowed him, in a couple of rounds, till the poor guy was spent.

"Let me do you," he urged.

I was horny but self conscious. I unzipped my suit as Austin got between my legs, running his hands along the fabric. "I'm not hung you like I'm afraid."

"I love your cock," he said. Then looking up in my eyes, he added. "For real, Scott. Everything about you turns me on." He leaned in for a kiss and I met him. A part of me wanted to avoid the kissing thing but I decided oral sex was a bigger issue. Besides, I wanted this. I kissed Austin back.

His soft kiss, full of gentle tongue, got me rock hard and leaking. He smirked as he pulled back and saw my dick poking up hard out of the open fly. "You're hard as steel," he said. "I love it."

I watched as he got down and started going down on me. I guess I didn't have a lot of length, and Austin managed to work the whole length with lots of spit and lots of suction. Kelly very occasionally gave me head, but it was nothing like this.

"Buddy!" I gasped. Warning him.

He moaned around my cock. This was the first time I'd blasted in another man's mouth since college. But this was night and day different. This was Austin.

He was more talkative after we uncoupled. "Damn, that was incredible," Austin laughed. I realized I missed his laugh and his smile. I missed laidback, happy Austin.

He made himself presentable again and offered me something to drink. I took some water.

"Trust me, Scott," he assured me. "I'm not going to do anything to mess up anything for you at home. But I'm so fucking grateful for that."

"I'm glad," I said. "I've been thinking about the sex for the last three weeks."

"I wasn't sure..." he said. He looked at his watch. "Listen, you're gonna be late for the club. And I probably need a nap before my evening sessions."

I stood up. I found getting off had eased my mood, and I was still processing how good Austin's blowjob had felt. "I'm being greedy," I said. "But maybe I can get away sometime this weekend. That is, if you wanna?"

"Hell yeah, I wanna," he said softly. And with a new confidence he stepped up to me to kiss me. He ran his hands up along the lapels of my coat. “And maybe you can wear your suit for me again sometime.”

#drakestories

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personasintro · 9 months

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Hi Mimi. Can I ask you for advice.

I have a friend who is mad at me because I’m not calling her back 24/7, and because I can’t hang out all the time and have to cancel due to the fact that I work and they sometimes, even if I have plans, call me in.

I couldn’t attend her boyfriend’s surprise birthday dinner, who she’ve only been dating for like 4 months and I’ve only met twice, because they wanted to go out late at night and I was working the day before, during, and the day after. However that particular day I got to finish my shift early because it was raining so my boss told me to just go home. On my way home another friend called me, who I haven’t seen in four month because we live 1h and 45min away from each other. My birthday is in two weeks but she’s going on vacation soon, she asked if we could meet up in the city and have dinner, this is like 4-5pm, because she wanted to celebrate me by buying me dinner. I said okey. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. We meet up, have dinner, order some drinks, and I post a video of us. The other friend, not even 5 minutes later, sends me a loooong message about what a bad friend I am without even knowing anything. I didn’t answer her right away and decided to wait until I was home. I got home at like 8:30, and the dinner was around 9-10isch so even if I didn’t go out with my friend I couldn’t go and celebrate her boyfriend because I needed to sleep.

She really went off on me, said a lot of things, and made me feel so shitty for nothing. So I wrote back and told her, we’re not kids, I didn’t do anything wrong, I explained briefly why I went out with my friend, and I also told her it’s my life and nobody can get mad at me for my choices, even if I was free that day it still shouldn’t be a problem because I don’t have an obligation to anybody. I also told her that I think it’s wrong that she decided to message me when she saw I was out, she could have waited and brought it up the next day instead of basically trying to ruin my night. I also texted her “don’t worry about this now, go and have fun, enjoy, let’s talk face 2 face when we get the chance” She then texted me back saying “I am celebrating his birthday all weekend, we can talk another day, I don’t have time to deal with this now”. I wrote back “sure”. My first thought, before I calmed myself down, was “so you have time to ruin my night, and start this whole thing, but you don’t have time to finish it?”.

Am I the asshole? Hahaha this sounds like a reddit post, I wanted to write it there but I don’t want to take a risk of her seeing it. Your account, your stories and you are also my comfort zone. I just feel safe here, which is why I am sorry for the rant and headache you have now. I just don’t like to talk about other people with other people, which is why I’m not asking for advice from my friends. But at the same time I’m desperate because I feel like I have done everything for her but just because I have work and have to prioritize myself I’m suddenly a bad friend for not attending her bfs dinner who I’ve only met twice. I mean it’s not like I missed her wedding day. It’s not like I was talking shit about her or told everyone her secrets for her to call me awful names and paint me as the bad guy. It’s not like the plan hanged on me, and I said no, and everybody stayed home but then I went out anyways. They still went out and had fun, so why should it be a problem if I was there or not.

I just want to add that this friendship is solely about me being there for her, I’m basically her therapist. I’ve never ever had demands on her or how she should treat me. I’m so drama free like this is my only drama in life atm in the past 6 years. I’m so easy going. You know that last year on my birthday she didn’t wish me a happy bday, and last year I asked her 6 times if she wanted to go on a vacation and she said no, but then she posts on snap that she’s going on a “random trip” with a girl she met 6 month ago at a gym who she doesn’t even talk to anymore because she feels that the girl was to clingy. I didn’t say anything because I thought it’s okey I’m not gonna ruin her day, vacation or whatever for something so silly, it’s HER life. I’m always there for her, even if I’m busy I always try to show her that she is not neglected by maybe sending her a song, or meme, or even going as far as telling her that I’m gonna be busy and that she can call me if it’s an emergency otherwise I won’t be so active. I always have her back, she calls me 4 in the morning and I pick up without blinking twice. My parents treat her as a second daughter, I’m always there for her as much as I can, and I just have to add that last month, I didn’t sleep for 36h and had a 10h shift the day after, but I still went out with her because she needed a friend due to having a bad day. I neglected my mental health for her. And our convos are 90% about her, 7% about random stuff, and 3% about me, and I STILL DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT because idgaf. Im honestly so unbothered I really don’t care, but right now I care because I feel that the text she sent me, and the way she wanted to paint me, and the words she used even though I’ve never ever had anything negative about her coming out of my mouth…I just feel like this is so unfair and I don’t know what to do. Should I end the friendship? Or maybe talk to her and try to make her understand? Im just so lost and this is honestly so sad because we’ve been friend for 12 years if not more. I don’t want it to end over something so silly…

Much love💜

Again I’m sorry for ranting, if you have advice I want to thank you for them. And I also want to thank you before hand for taking the time to read this. I admire u and ur stories!

I just have to add: she’s not a bad person, her good qualities overshadows the bad ones, which is why we’re still friends.

This message was sent a while back and I am sorry for responding only now. Maybe you were able to figure it out on your own or things happened after this. But all I can recommend for you to do is to talk to your friend, if you haven’t already. If I were you, I’d try to communicate and make her see where I am coming from as well and then… there’s nothing much you can do from there. You’ll see how she takes it and whether she’s able to see your side or not. Regardless of everything, she shouldn’t take you for granted and cut you some slack.

Like you said, you don’t want your friendship to end over something silly but maybe it’s not something silly at all. In the end, you don’t want friends who makes you feel guilty and take you for granted all the time. Just the fact your entire friendship seems to be focusing on her rather than on both of you says a lot. You shouldn’t be treated that way and you do deserve someone who equally cares about you as a person :)

#ask: anon

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packedlunchmeat · 2 months

Text

COMMISSION ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

HOWDY Y’ALL!!!!

I’m deciding to open commissions once more! And finally making them public rather than just offering to friends.

This took a TON of deliberation, as I fear as an artist being taken advantage of for my time. And so, before we get into pricing and my boundaries as an artist, lets talk ground rules! Just so you, as a potential customer, understand my expectations as the artist.

(Also please be patient with me as I work 12 hour shifts at a hospital, so it may take a few weeks to get to yours if it’s behind a lot of others in the queue)

RULES & EXPECTATIONS

First come, first serve

This is mainly because I like to prioritize those who come to me first. With this being said though, if you express interest in a commission from me, but do not state what you are wanting, as well as a price range you are going for, I will prioritize a person who has already given me a commission request. Basically! I put you in the queue the moment we have a request worked out! :-)

No revisions after a finalized sketch

This is mainly to protect myself as the artist, and you as the customer from being in a perpetual revision cycle, after already finalizing the sketch. If you aren’t happy with something, please let me know before I begin the line art process! Once I begin to do line art or color, I enter a zone where doing any sort of serious revision could cause the quality to diminish!

Make sure it’s my art you are wanting!

I do do a plethora of art style mocks like persona 5 eye cut ins, as well as other sorts of persona art style stuff. But I don’t wish to copy another artists style thats already offering commissions. If you’re wanting a certain style that isn’t adjacent to mine, you’re better off saving up for the artist you truly wish you could commission :-). I like to feed into fandom wants and needs, but I don’t want to take away from other freelance artist’s business.

I will not send the art until paid

Since I manage to work rather fast, I don’t mind making pieces that don’t get paid for, as any piece I do is good practice!! That being said, I won’t send my art until I have proof of payment for the time I spent on it. I will always be super clear on which part of the process I am in, but to protect myself from being scammed, I cannot send the piece until payment is proven.

DETAILS

Now lets get into the fun stuff!! To start, I do not charge my commissions based on how complex the art is, rather, how long it took me to make it. Which is the reason I can’t ask for up front payments. I charge, instead, by the hour. And my pricing is based on my state’s minimum wage. The software I use to make my art (Procreate) tracks the elapsed time I’ve spent drawing, and so I calculate the owed amount based upon that. So, to start:

I CHARGE $15 AN HOUR (USD)

METHOD OF PAYMENT IS THROUGH PAYPAL.

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s what I CAN and CAN’T draw!!

THINGS I ABSOLUTELY WILL DRAW:

Character references! (TTRPG CHARAS, OCS, ETC.)

Armor (I can do mecha, but because of the complexity it may bump up the price just because of how long it takes)

Main stream art style replication (Persona 2D Sprites, Ace Attorney, Steven Universe, The Owl House, and a few others as well)

People

Portraits

Couples (hugging, kissing, holding hands, cute stuff :3)

Inklings & Octolings (anything splatoon related pretty much)

THINGS I CAN DRAW (BUT WILL PREFACE WITH THE FACT THAT I AM LESS SKILLED IN THESE AREAS)

Furries

Animals/pets

Scenery

Pixel art

Vehicles

Weapons (this ones tricky because I can draw swords pretty quick, guns take quite a bit of effort to get right though)

THINGS I WILL NOT DRAW

NSFW/suggestive content

Gore

With the parameters out of the way, I’d like to talk about pricing now! Since I charge by the hour, I’d like to make it clear that I am 100% willing to work with money difficulties! I draw pretty fast, but as there are certain things that cause my pieces to take longer, it’s only fair I let you all know what those are, so that you can know what to avoid if you’re wanting some art from me!

THINGS THAT WILL CAUSE MY ART TO TAKE MORE TIME!

Lineless

Complex mecha/outfits

Complex props (e.g. instruments)

Anything in my CAN DRAW list

Complex backgrounds

And lastly…

EXAMPLES OF QUALITY OF WORK

(With time spent and how much they’d be priced)

ROUGH FULL BODY

Time spent: 30m

Calculated price: $7.50

STYLIZED TAROT

Time spent: 2h 16m

Calculated price: $34.00

SIDE ORDER LINELESS

Time spent: 3h 44m

Calculated price: $56.00

FYNN 1920S ‘IT’ GIRL PIERROT

Time spent: 5h 24m

Calculated price: $81.00

Anywho!! If anyone is interested, please DM me! I’ll hand over my discord so you can send me pictures easy :-)! Reblogs are greatly appreciated!!!!

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kawaiiocelot · 2 months

Note

Hi! It is I, currently in possession of a query

How do you interpret Durgetash with Wren and Gortash? I'd love to see more about their dinamic!

HI HELLO THANK YOU FOR THE ASK EVEN THOUGH I AM A MILLION YEARS LATE TO ANSWERING IT!! I wanted to do more art for this but alas, I have been so busy and in my free time I’ve been working on writing and cosplay stuff instead!!

BUT!! WITHOUT FURTHER ADO!! Allow me to give some info on my personal version of Durgetash aka Wrentash or Wrenver.

Some of this is kinddddaaa subject to change since I haven’t finished Wren’s playthrough yet and haven’t decided 100% what his fate is gonna be hehehe.

To me they’re both such emotionally stunted idiots who fall deeply and grossly in love. Both finally finding someone else worthy of admiration and who matches their ambition. Someone to perhaps be an equal at last.

Ughhhhh I just love the Blasphemy of Durgetash, it's delicious.

Wren definitely feels A LOT of weakness and guilt as well as confusion when he starts to catch feelings for Gortash.

He’s definitely never felt this way about another person before. Just never saw the need to tbh. Never desired to. But with Gortash something clicked intellectually and physically.

I see them having some interesting build up, both trying to make sorts of things in their heads and if this is a bad idea. But they’re both so drawn to each other. They’re fated. (Sometimes I like to say fated to die together in every universe to make myself extra sad)

Pre-tadpole Wren is a little less deadpan and a little more freaky and fiendish tbh, BUT he definitely does not handle having romantic feelings normally.

Anyways he doesn’t kill him and lets his feelings torment him.

I think Wren never realized how touch starved he was until Gortash?? Like I never imagined physical touch to be one of his love languages but uhhhh it might actually be lol.

I always imagined Gortash being casually touchy with him at a random moment. Like a hand on his shoulder?? Or hands accidentally brushing together?? And this just HITS Wren. He feels a little feral. And I think they keep having moments like this. Gortash of course catches on. They keep pushing each other's boundaries and what not. Very back and forth, very playful, but still dramatic like a dance.

Constantly finding excuses to spend more and more time in each other's company.

But I can definitely see them squabbling a lot and play fighting. 💕

And one day it just escalates into something more intimate,,,,,,

Lots of pent up feelings and ferality.

And I think something just SHIFTS and they really become something to each other. Not necessarily labeled but it’s SOMETHING and it's strong.

As I mentioned, Gortash makes Wren realize how touch starved he is so in time I think he becomes REALLY CLINGY with him. Wren is more of a physical being who prefers actions to words so I think he’d be all over him when they get to that point lol.

They both have their respective plans prioritized of course but they just can’t resist each other?? They fill some void for each other that neither knew they had and I think that’s why they become so attached at the hip.

Wren will?? Listen?? And somewhat behave for pretty much only Gortash??

Wren really likes to bite and claw and mark and I think most Durgetash shippers agree that Gortash would be into that. 🖤

Gortash chew toy confirmed.

ANYWAYS I know this is getting long but I do have a few other quick tidbits about them.

I know they’re “serious baddies” and what not but I think they have many moments of just being silly and cringe and playful with each other?? To an extent?? Healing inner child vibes.

Gortash gifted Wren the dagger earrings that he wears.

Even tho they are very close, Wren still fantasizes about killing Gortash lol. Just Durge things. <3

TADPOLE WREN IS A BIT DIFFERENT. I’m still playing Act 3 so I haven’t decided how everything is handled. Wren obviously doesn’t remember him. :’) BUT he has this weird connected feeling to him still ever since Gortash’s name was first mentioned. He collects every note, letter, and book that contains Gortash’s name because reading the name makes him feel weirdly closer to remembering something. No joke, he steals every poster of him in the city as well (I can’t believe those things weigh more than a pound each!! My little twink does NOT have the strength stat to carry around much more LOL).

Upon meeting him again, Wren still does feel an inexplicable connection to him but also wants to hear him out because Gortash is the only one who allegedly remembers him but is genuinely not meeting him with immediate animosity?? And like, is actually giving him some slight answers about his past?? While everyone else just seems to want to confuse him or kill him. And he’s a bit of a control freak so he’s desperate to learn about his past and clings to anyone who can help him with this.

ANYWAYS THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF ME FOR NOW!! Only time will tell what else I decide to write for these two but these are the basics~ They’re grossly and chaotically in complicated love.🖤

#THANK YOU FOR BEING INTERESTED IN THEM I AM SORRY I AM LATE TO THIS #BUT I LOVE THEM!!#bg3 #durge #enver gortash #durgetash #durge oc #Wren tag #my art #my stuff #ask

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femmefatalevibe · 1 year

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Hiii! I am a new to your page and wants to become more confident to express myself. But do you have any tips for how we highschoolers can add some femme fatale while not acting "too grown"

Hi love! I'm so glad to hear that you're serious about building your confidence and sense of self in high school. Know that this is highly commendable! Anyways, here are some of my tips:

Practice proper posture: Shoulders back, chest up, head held high, back straight.

Learn the power of eye contact and facial expressions: Direct eye contact (held within reason, without staring) communicates confidence. Smile to express an inviting presence to the people who you're socializing with.

Be diligent with your hygiene: Always have your hair, nails, face, and body properly washed and moisturized. Manicured nails and healthy hair demonstrate that you prioritize showing up for yourself.

Consider all-black outfits: A staple leather jacket, satin or silk tops, lace-trimming or cuffs, and well-tailored black pants or jeans or a flowy skirt to emulate Femme fatale energy without looking too risqué for a classroom or a younger teenage age group. Balance any more form-fitting mini skirts with tights and a chunky sweater or a longer coat (like a trench) for a casual elegance that isn't too formal or covered up. Mix and match textures for more intrigue.

Find your signature makeup look: Add some black eyeliner (a thin winged liner and the water line) with some mascara and minimal face makeup to cover any blemishes, under-eye circles, or uneven skin tone. Complete the look with a light wash of blush or bronzer and a neutral lip shade or chapstick for school or the daytime.

Discover and pursue your interests: Don't blindly follow the interests of your peers or your parents' desires. Consider the activities and fields of study that light you up inside and give you energy. Think about the hobbies or industries you could engage in all day and would gladly pursue for free. Join as many clubs, courses, and extracurricular programs as possible in these areas. Read about them, join online communities, and find a mentor (IRL) if possible. Use this time to begin discovering what you want out of life and establishing your own identity.

Give yourself space to explore and own your sexuality: Let go of any shame regarding self-exploration and identity. Your feelings (and pleasure or the confidence you derive from it) are completely normal. Don't allow others' expectations to dictate your choices. Make these decisions for yourself, on your own timeline (and ALWAYS use protection if you decide to engage in partnered sex; birth control is NOT toxic, but not every option works well for everyone). I hope that you have or find someone you trust in your life to discuss these topics with! It's super important.

Remember your life is for YOU: It is normal to feel as though you have to conform to other peoples' expectations of you at this age. And, while they're certain sacrifices you might need to make until (or through early) adulthood, remember that your desired life path is valid and always worth exploring. Choose yourself every time.

Hope this helps xx

#life advice #femme fatale #dark feminine energy #dark femininity #high value woman #self concept #self reflection #it girl #the feminine urge #queen energy #dream girl #self confidence #self care #girl advice #girlblogging #that girl #femmefatalevibe

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ealvara7 · 2 months

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Beetlejuice the Musical Cartoon - Episode Concepts! ✨️

I keep coming back to the idea of Beetlejuice having a musical cartoon, because I genuinely believe it has all of the elements needed to create a fantastic series! The question I keep asking myself, however, is what kinds of episodes would I like to see in it?

I decided to jot down a couple of ideas that came to mind. Some of these are modern takes of episodes from the original cartoon, because I like to imagine how the musical cast would approach some of these scenarios!

Each episode will have a title with a brief synopsis. There is no specific order, however I will be prioritizing those which I actually made detailed posts for at the top (links will be in the title).

All of these episodes take place after the events of the musical, and under the assumption that Beetlejuice has begun trying to make amends with the Maitland-Deetzes (those are their own separate stories entirely)!

Lydia’s School Project

For the past couple of months, Lydia has been working on a modification project for her camera. Specifically, she has been trying to create a filter lens that can make ghosts visible when taking pictures. However, she hasn't been able to make much progress, due school taking up the majority of her responsibilities... that is, until she sees the opportunity to work on it for her school's end of year fare. Her project almost appears to hit a dead end, until Beetlejuice chimes in.

Strange and Unusual

Lydia and Beetlejuice find a strange looking object on the floor. Lydia decides to investigate it further, believing that there's a lot more to this object than they realize. Beetlejuice, however, believes that Lydia is only wasting her time. Regardless, the two of them work together to uncover the object's mysteries.

Back to School

After a bizarre summer, Lydia is finally enrolled into a private high school in Connecticut. Like every high school, it comes with its ups and downs, but Lydia decides to make the most of it.

This is Halloween

Based on Laugh of the Party and Bizarre Bazaar. Lydia decides to throw a Halloween party that could outrival Claire's. Lydia's family help pitch in some surprisingly good ideas, which she gets on board with. Beetlejuice, on the other hand... isn't exactly pleased with the outcome, and believes the party needs a bit more "scare factor".

Life In The Fast Lane

Based on Dragster of Doom and Driven Crazy. Lydia is nervously excited to take her driver's test in the next couple of weeks. Beetlejuice offers to let Lydia borrow his car and practice her driving in the Netherworld. From there, he slowly begins to encourage Lydia to just let loose and drive, which... came with mixed results. Meanwhile, a super fast roller-skating demon begins to terrorize the Underworld, claiming the land as her territory. Lydia, using all the knowledge that she has in driving, challenges the demon to a race, in hopes of kicking her out of the Underworld.

#rambles #beetlejuice #beetlejuice the musical #lydia deetz #story concepts #i really enjoy writing from lydia's perspective 🕷#also i will be updating this post periodically! just as a heads up-

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dangerously-human · 3 months

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I am at probably 90% recovered, which is really good! Still get fatigued even above and beyond my normal (and I've got a pretty high baseline for such things), normal activities tend to make breathing a little hard, and I'm still coughing like crazy, but I'm mostly doing okay now. Being sick for two weeks has put me pretty dramatically behind on, well, everything, but I'm starting to catch up a little. Cleaned half the bathroom the other day; I'm finishing some laundry at present; I'm down to only like two weeks' worth of dishes occupying all the prime counter real estate; I'm sort of vaguely keeping up with schoolwork (paid tuition, despite still not getting reimbursed from last semester, so really praying for no emergencies until that is ironed out; I'm a little behind in reading and assignments, but if I can get back into academic coaching, I think I can swing it). Finished a big task at work and have decided I've earned a day to work on my own research tomorrow, so I can hopefully have a few actual updates to present to my mentor when she comes back from maternity leave. Have written precisely zilch, and tbh I've been dialing it back on a lot of fanfiction reading, too, just for a little while - I need a creative rest, probably, but even more than that, I just need more hours in a day than I currently have, and any spare time I do find unexpectedly is going toward sleeping. Hoping to get a little social time in this weekend, too, because I'm going to get weird if I go much longer without human interaction. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm doing better but I'm also kind of overwhelmed and struggling to prioritize well, but maybe a little proud of myself anyway? Strange mix.

#personal #grad life gazette #research rambling

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ahyesmygoodomenssideblog · 9 months

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Why Crowley leaves.

Crowley walks out of multiple fights and the reason why matters.

In the bandstand scene, Crowley and Aziraphale are unable to reach agreement about what they're going to do once they find the Antichrist. Aziraphale by that point knows exactly where the Antichrist is, but he chooses to hide it from Crowley. The crux of their disagreement is not about whether to kill the Antichrist - Azriaphale is on board with that much - but he thinks he's too good to be the one getting his hands dirty:

A: And then what? We eliminate him? C: Someone does. I'm not personally up for killing kids. A: You're the demon. I'm the nice one. I don't have to kill children. C: Uh-uh-uh- A: If you kill him, then the world gets a reprieve and Heaven does not have blood on its hands. C: Oh, no blood on your hands? That's a bit holier-than-thou, isn't it? A: I am a great deal holier than thou. That's the whole point.

That is when Crowley first tries to leave. But Aziraphale asks him not to, so he doesn't.

C: This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous. I don't even know why I'm still talking to you. A: Well, frankly, neither do I. C: Enough, I'm leaving. A: You can't leave, Crowley. There isn't anywhere to go. C: It's a big universe. Even if this all ends up in a puddle of burning goo, we can go off together.

Crowley tries to talk to Aziraphale. He tries to communicate. Aziraphale refuses to listen. He doubles down. He says terribly hurtful things to Crowley and he is the one to end things. That is when Crowley leaves for real:

A: Go off together? Listen to yourself. C: How long have we been friends? Six thousand years! A: Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon. We have nothing whatsoever in common, I don't even like you! C: You do! A: Even if I did know where the Antichrist was, I wouldn't tell you, we're on opposite sides! C: We're on our side! A: There is no "our side", Crowley! Not anymore. It's over. C: Right. Well, then. Have a nice doomsday.

Crowley was 100% in the right. He stays as long as Aziraphale is willing to talk. Right up until "It's over."

This is a direct parallel to their fight over Gabriel in s2e1. Crowley imo is once again being far more reasonable about it than Aziraphale.

Angel, this is the supreme archangel of all Heaven, your former boss, who tried very hard to cast you into hellfire and destroy you. He is not our friend.

There are similarities where Aziraphale wants to keep trying to help others while Crowley prioritizes protecting himself and Aziraphale. It's more murky here than in the bandstand scene because at the bandstand, Azriaphale is withholding crucial information from Crowley. Crowley thinks they're out of options because it's the night before the apocalypse and he's left waiting for Shadwell to find the Antichrist. The setup with the Gabriel situation is more even about their different approaches.

But in the end it still comes down to the fact that what Crowley wants just doesn't matter.

A: Well, he doesn't have any friends, so he needs us. C: What I need is for him to be nowhere near me, and the precious, peaceful, fragile existence that I have carved out for myself here. A: I thought we carved it out for ourselves. C: So did I!

Aziraphale sees this as them working together, but it's not, and Crowley knows it. It's just Aziraphale's way or the highway. The way this fight ends, and the reason Crowley leaves this time is:

A: Very well. If you refuse to help me, then of course... you're at liberty to go. C: To go? Oh, right, this is how you wanna do it? A: No, I would love you to help me. I'm asking you to help me take care of him. But if you won't, you won't. C: Yeah, I won't. You're on your own with this one.

Once again, it isn't just Crowley unilaterally deciding to leave. Just like at the bandstand, Aziraphale is the one drawing the line in the sand. Crowley can either give Aziraphale exactly what Aziraphale wants, or there's no point in talking about it at all. What Crowley wants just is not a factor to Aziraphale.

And Crowley recognizes this pattern. They've done this before! "This is how you wanna do it?" Aziraphale comes off so sleazy here. I don't think he means to be manipulative, but he really is. He would ~love~ for Crowley to help him; he would love for Crowley to help him take care of Gabriel. But if Crowley doesn't give Aziraphale what he wants, then Crowley is the one choosing not to help. Right? If Crowley "refuses to help", he is "at liberty to go".

Crowley's concerns about their safety aren't worth discussing at all. Aziraphale won't budge. Crowley leaves.

(And Aziraphale is arguably straight-up taking advantage of the fact that Crowley likes to help him here. He knows how much Crowley wants to help him. "Rescuing me makes him so happy.")

Anyway, they then continue to play out the same pattern as before.

After the bandstand fight, Crowley kills time at the movies. Hastur and Ligur confronts him about losing the Antichrist. They are out of time. Crowley goes back to Aziraphale.

C: Angel! I'm sorry. I apologise. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. Work with me, I'm apologising here. Yes? Good. Get in the car. A: What? No. C: The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault. But we can run away together. Alpha Centauri. Lots of spare planets up there. Nobody would even notice us. A: Crowley, you're being ridiculous. Look, I-I-I'm quite sure if I can just– just reach the right people, then I can get all this sorted out. C: There aren't any right people. There's just God, moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us. A: Well, yes, and that is why I'm going to have a word with the Almighty, and then the Almighty will fix it.

Once again, Crowley's concerns about safety don't matter. He tells Aziraphale "The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault" and Aziraphale does not address that at all. Aziraphale is too preoccupied with his deeply flawed perspective. Crowley can't convince him, so he leaves again:

C: That won't happen. You're so clever. How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid? A: I forgive you. C: Oh… I'm going home, Angel. I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving. And when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you.

Now with s2, I am extremely curious to know how often Aziraphale has tried to weaponize forgiveness against Crowley. Like, Crowley is completely in the right about this. And it is such a shitty thing to say, it reinforces the idea that Aziraphale thinks he's better than Crowley. Crowley is a demon and Aziraphale is an angel and that power differential matters. It affects their relationship.

Anyway, the Gabriel fight. Things change when Beelzebub talks to Crowley. One difference is that Crowley is in a better position this time. Beelzebub makes him an offer: "You find Gabriel for me and you can have whatever your nasty little heart desires. You could be a Duke of Hell." And Crowley doesn't even consider it, which is correct and the best approach because Hell and Heaven both suck. It is also extremely sad fresh off the heels of Crowley trying to protect the fragile existence he carved out for himself because he can't even seem to convince himself that him and Aziraphale are on their side at this point. Crowley is just going it alone.

That's beside the point. The point is, once again, the stakes raise. "Anyone found involved in Gabriel's disappearance will be erased from the Book of Life. They won't just be gone, they will never have existed." Crowley, naturally immediately rushes back to Aziraphale.

This difference in framing is notable, that this isn't Hell coming out after Crowley again. More of the danger is on Aziraphale this time. Crowley could, in theory, stay out of it and let Aziraphale deal with the consequences of his actions. But instead, Crowley does the same thing as last time. He apologizes when he doesn't mean it, now complete with dance. Aziraphale doesn't concede an inch. There's another difference here in that Crowley doesn't try to explain his perspective this time. He doesn't tell Aziraphale about the Book of Life and I don't blame him. He has zero reason to believe that it would sway Aziraphale.

Crowley adapts to Aziraphale's plan and tries to come up with the best way to protect Gabriel since they can't just get rid of him. Once again, Aziraphale won. They're doing it Aziraphale's way. We all saw last time how that went up in literal flames and the trauma this approach caused Crowley specifically.

S2 digs in on this problem with their relationship. After this, that Aziraphale commandeers the Bentley, again overriding Crowley's wishes. They aren't tackling the problem together. At some point, to whatever extent, it's just Aziraphale using Crowley. He takes Crowley for granted.

And Crowley enables this dynamic. He can't stay away. Aziraphale is his only friend and the loneliness seems to bother him more than it bothers Aziraphale. So Aziraphale takes advantage and is never forced to reflect on how he treats Crowley because it never really affects him in the end. Aziraphale gets what he wants and Crowley is the one to suffer for it.

At the end of the season, this same fight plays out only worse. Crowley is told to ~just communicate better~. This approach makes sense to an extent with the framing that they had to hide their relationship for millennia, so it's only relatively recently that they really could have communicated openly. But it also stings when the things Crowley is trying to communicate here are fundamentally the same things that he said before at the bandstand.

And the framing of this one really drives home the fact that Aziraphale is in the wrong. It starts with Aziraphale dismissing Crowley right off the bat:

C: It's probably best if I start off doing all the talking, you do all the listening, 'cause if I don't start talking now, I won't ever start talking, right? Yes, so... A: What's that lovely human expression? Oh, yes! Hold that thought. You see, I… I have some incredibly good news to give you. C: Really?

The look on Crowley's face when he says "Really?" gives me life, he is legit so fed up. Anyway, Aziraphale explains Metatron's offer. The Metatron is blatantly lying to him, but Aziraphale has a consistent and disturbing lack of self awareness: "You're a leader, you're honest, you don't just tell people what they want to hear." Bet. But he eats it up.

Then this happens:

A: You could come back to Heaven and... and everything, like the old times. Only, even nicer. C: Right. And you told him just where he could stick it, then? A: Not at all. C: Oh, we're better than that, you're better than that, Angel!

This time, Aziraphale is in favor of "our side". Why wouldn't he be? He got Heaven's seal of approval for it - under the condition that Crowley joins him. And Aziraphale doesn't even think about it. It isn't just that he's brainwashed and convinced that this is for the best. It's that it doesn't even seem to occur to him that Crowley wouldn't be happy. They've been arguing about their different perspectives for millennia. Aziraphale should at least be aware that Crowley wouldn't want this. Crowley has made his feelings about it all very clear, but for whatever reason, Aziraphale assumes that Crowley is going to see this as a good thing.

They rehash the bandstand fight:

C: You don't need them. I certainly don't need them! Look, they asked me back to Hell, I said no. I'm not gonna be joining their team. Neither should you. A: But... Well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys. But Heaven… Well, it's the side of truth, of light, of good.

(Once again, Heaven is superior. Heaven never has blood on its hands.)

C: When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it. Tell me you said no. A: [silence] C: Tell me you said no. A: If I'm in charge… I can make a difference.

They are beat-for-beat rehashing the bandstand fight. This is something s2 makes clear about Aziraphale with the flashbacks: Aziraphale backslides. He learns better, then he backtracks. He sees a bit of gray in his black-and-white world, but he can't hold onto it. He polarizes problems and deludes himself into living in this rose-colored fantasy world. Whatever Aziraphale learned during the apocalypse about their side, him and Crowley being fundamentally the same, Heaven being just as bad as Hell - none of it sticks. So they have to go through it again.

It's at this point that Crowley makes his love confession. He doesn't seem to think it'll work, but he tries anyway. He tries to communicate. He says a lot of things, and they aren't all true. He's still trying to see this relationship as better than it is I think. This is some of what he says:

I didn't get a chance to say what I was going to say, I think I'd better say it now. I could always rely on you. You could always rely on me. We're a team, a group. Group of the two of us. And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't. I mean, the last few years, not really. We don't need Heaven, we don't need Hell, they're toxic. We need to get away from them, just be an us. You and me, what do you say?

Crowley spills his heart. They don't have the apocalypse looming over them this time. He isn't being pushed to latch onto Aziraphale out of fear as the world ends. He knows what he wants and he says it.

Aziraphale's counteroffer is:

Come with me... to Heaven. I'll run it, you can be my second in command. We can make a difference.

This time, Aziraphale is more on board. This time, they can be together, on their side - but on under Aziraphale's terms. Only under the delusion that Heaven is the "right" side. And even then, Crowley will never be Aziraphale's equal in this. He will always have to defer to Azriaphale's orders when it comes down to it.

At the bandstand, Aziraphale says: "You can't leave. There isn't anywhere to go." That's when Crowley first suggests running away to the stars, first proposes their side. This time, Crowley is the one who wants Aziraphale to stay.

C: You can't leave this bookshop. A: Oh, Crowley. Nothing lasts forever.

The way this next bit plays out is so important to me, so I'm adding cues and editorializing a bit:

C: No. No, I don't suppose it does. [puts on glasses] Good luck. [walks towards the door] A: Good luck? Crowley! Crowley, come back - [Crowley stops, turns to face him] - to Heaven! A: Work with me! We can be together! Angels... doing good! C: [says nothing. doesn't leave] A: [getting desperate] I... I need you! C: [doesn't react. doesn't believe him? still doesn't leave. hears him out] A: [switches tactics] I don't think you understand what I'm offering you! C: I understand. I think I understand a whole lot better than you do. A: Well... then there's nothing more to say.

Crowley gives Aziraphale every single chance. Crowley is a flawed, fucked up individual with his own biases, but he does see reality a whole lot better than Aziraphale. Aziraphale deludes himself and Crowley is the one who suffers for it. And once again, it isn't just Crowley deciding to leave. It's Aziraphale telling him to go. From "There is no "our side", not anymore, it's over" to "Well then there's nothing more to say."

But it still doesn't end there. Crowley doesn't just leave. This is how it ends:

C: Listen. Do you hear that? A: I don't hear anything. C: That's the point. No nightingales. You idiot. We could have been... us. [kisses Aziraphale] A: I… I forgive you. C: Don't bother.

That's when Crowley finally leaves.

Before, he ended it with: "I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving. And when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you." He then did not leave for the stars. He stayed on Earth and confronted Hastur and Ligur with Holy Water and bought Aziraphale just a little bit more time to come around. Crowley never followed through on his own plans for what he thought was best. He always stayed, always waited for Aziraphale, at any cost.

At the end of s2, Aziraphale leaves Earth without Crowley.

The point of all of this that, yes, Crowley is always the one who walks out of their fights. But it isn't a problem of him being too stubborn about his beliefs, or not communicating his feelings well enough, or giving up too easily. The problem is that Aziraphale doesn't listen to him and doesn't respect him.

The last time they talk in season 2, they fight. Crowley leaves. I think and hope he'll stay away this time. Aziraphale can be the one to face the consequences of his actions this time.

#good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens spoilers #good omens meta #azirapahle critical #he can't just bail Aziraphale out this time #Aziraphale needs to fix the way he treats Crowley #and I need to convince myself that it'll stick and Aziraphale won't just backslide again

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gay-sin · 6 months

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Severance, flip phones, far from home: the impossibility of opting out

I finished Severance by Ling Ma about a week ago. I loved it so much. I am not in school anymore and I am having a hard time trying to fulfill my desire for intellectual conversation. It’s not like I’m not learning anymore. I’m learning so much. These days, I am filling in the gaps of my learning in the sections of life that I chose to put off while prioritizing academia. I’m learning to take care of myself, complete tasks, hold myself accountable, and generally survive. It is hard and I miss the conversations I would have in school that felt like they truly challenged and deepened my worldview. Reading has been a great solace to me in that way but it often feels lonely to read something and not get to discuss it with others. I can never simply read or watch something without wanting to dig in and discuss the implications. I like to use fiction to interrogate real things. I have so many thoughts about Severance and what it had me thinking about in my own life as I read it. I decided to write it down to at least converse with myself as I did so. I'm posting it online to see if anyone would want to engage in conversation with me as well. It is not in MLA or whatever. I’m not in school. I can write how I want.

I think that the title of Severance is very layered. On the surface, it references the phenomenon of severance checks (payments given to terminated employees that are fired due to layoffs or retirement). The payments are based on the amount of time that an employee has worked for the company. Effectively, it aims to take care of the people that have taken care of the company until they can find new work. Severance describes how companies have cut long-term employees and these checks in order to maximize profits at the cost of minimizing quality. This seems to echo a larger trend that the novel revolves around: a cutting off (or severance) from our interconnectivity under our current systems of hetero-patriarchal white supremacist colonial capitalism. What a mouthful. But basically… Society is severing us from the things that make living meaningful, and for many, possible.

The characters of the book all seem to be struggling with the desire to opt out of this system (who wouldn't want that?) The narrator, Candace, immigrated to Salt Lake City from Fuzhou as a child. This severance from her ancestry, culture, and family was done in aims of giving her a better life in the United States. In many ways, it was an action done by her parents in order to attempt to opt out of the struggles of life in Fuzhou, made increasingly difficult under global capitalism. Even so, the choice was really just opting into a new set of struggles. The book describes the complex effects of this immigration on Candace and her family. In addition, it describes the guilt of leaving and the burden of feeling as if you are in a country that despises you while you must constantly prove yourself to it.

Candace’s ex-boyfriend felt dehumanized by the working in corporate America and therefore lives on the fringes of the system, skimping by. He believes himself to be opting out of the system. In this quote, Candace interrogates his lifestyle.

“I know you too well. You live your life idealistically. You think it’s possible to opt out of the system. No regular income, no health insurance. You quit jobs on a dime. You think this is freedom but I still see the bare, painstakingly cheap way you live, the scrimping and saving, and that is not freedom either. You move in circumscribed circles. You move peripherally, on the margins of everything, pirating movies and eating dollar slices. I used to admire this about you, how fervently you clung to your beliefs—I called it integrity—but five years of watching you live this way has changed me. In this world, money is freedom. Opting out is not a real choice” (205).

The illusion of opting out is a privilege. Jonathan, unlike Candance, is American. This gives him the ability to exist in America without questioning or proving his belonging. He does not carry the weight of supporting his family or really anyone but himself. Even so, he barely manages that. Candace, not afforded many of Jonathan's privileges, works for in a corporate office. Jonathan, idealistic and blind to his own advantages, is consistently criticizing this choice.

I have always had dreams of opting out. I've spent much of my life dreaming of this. I think that part of why I went to college was to opt out of joining the workforce for four more years. I studied art because it seemed like that would be opting out of the monotony of having a Real Job. I bought a flip phone to opt out of smartphone addiction. I moved across the country to opt out of my family.

Severance depicts a world-ending incurable pandemic. The illness is called Shen Fever and it is somewhat akin to a zombie apocalypse without the eating of humans. The sickness comes for everyone, even if it does demolish the areas with the least privileges first. In the end, everyone is susceptible. You cannot opt out. You cannot buy your way out of an incurable disease.

You cannot buy your way out of climate change, even if you can avoid its consequences for longer. Sure, you may be privileged enough to be given the illusion of opting out but this planet is deeply, densely interconnected. You are not opting out. You are delaying the inevitable.

Over the summer, I went to an anarchist bookstore in Philadelphia and bought a book called Meaningful Flesh: Reflections on Religion and Nature for a Queer Planet. I would read the essays on my breaks from work, trying to see if I could be someone that reads academic theory in my free time. It ended up being very dense and difficult to get through but it was incredibly interesting to me. I was reminded of the second essay of the text when reading Severance. It is called, “Irreverent Theology: On the Queer Ecology of Creation” by Jacob J. Erikson. The essay aims to queer our ideas of nature and matter with a theological lens. That is a massive oversimplification of the text but I don’t want to stray too much from my original point here. I just wanted to include a quote from the essay to gesture to how these concepts in Severance have resonances in so many areas of life.

“For this particular nature-cultural moment, we must be irreverent of old stories and ideas in our constructive creativity. Ideas of pristine nature, untouched wilderness, essential selves, essential genders, and uncomplicated assumptions of desire and sexuality, deaden and violate the messy and embodied realities of creativity, embodied ecology, and enfleshed divinity” (74).

Collectively, we have attempted to sever ourselves from the environment that we are interwoven with, dependent on, and constantly in conversation with. The consequences are far-reaching and the effort is inevitably futile. You cannot sever yourself from the environment that sustains you. You are the environment.

On Saturday, I took an Uber home from my friend’s house and chatted with the driver. We talked about daylight savings and how stupid it is. Why make the sun go down sooner? I wish I could opt out of it, but then I’d be an hour early to every event from now until spring. I told him that I thought that the government was supposed to get rid of this system but apparently they were too busy committing genocides. We talked about Palestine and how clear it is that what is happening is devastating but how some people still blindly support Israel. We agreed that people have lost a fundamental part of their humanity: a severance from the part of themselves that sees innocent people dying and is devastated and outraged. In America, we have the choice to participate in these colonial ideologies, push against them, or to not have an opinion (to “opt out"). It is an American privilege, the illusion of opting out of mass murder. None of us are separate from this conflict. Our tax dollars are being spent on the weapons that do the killing.

I am a white American. I have a large array of privileges that give me the illusions of choice. But at the end of the day, none of my choices have truly opted me out. At the end of the day, these severances have only handicapped me in other ways. I have gotten lost and missed appointments that I could have simply typed into Google Maps on a smartphone. I walked to urgent care by myself when I could have called my mom to pick me up if I didn’t move so far away. I carry the debt of my art degree and I will be making monthly payments from now until forever. I don’t have enough money to get out of an unhealthy living situation. How free am I? How much have I opted out? You can opt out and be crushed by the weight of what it means to be alone, still dependent and existent within the system you’ve supposedly broken out of. But if you opt in, do you get sucked in? What choice is there?

“To live in a city is to take part in and to propagate its impossible systems. To wake up. To go to work in the morning. It is also to take pleasure in those systems because, otherwise, who could repeat the same routines, year in, year out?” (290).

In Severance, the fevered mindlessly repeat patterns. Their condition is an identifiable sickness. Yet, at the same time, Ma also gestures to the fact that it is not too different from the condition that we all share. Our daily repetition, often mindless, trying to find pleasure. The condition one must adopt to survive in this world. The sickness is not individual, it is collective. The cure is not individual, it is collective.

My coworker is moving home across the country after moving away from his family many years ago. He told me about how stressful the process has been for him. I could relate a lot to what he had said. The unsustainability of not having family closeby. The feeling of - what am I proving? The unsustainable nature of being alone and the sometimes equally unsustainable nature of family. Every choice seems to be a choice to sever yourself from one thing or sever yourself from another. Either way, the choice is rarely to come together. The deeper we just get into becoming a mess of severed pieces.

I got a flip phone back in 2021 when I took a year off from college. At the time, I had fallen headfirst into a lot of the crushing realities that I had never really wanted to face. I was back home living with my family. I was coming to terms with my health, my sexuality, my lack of funds, my place in the world. I was cut off from my illusions of Making it Big and was faced with what Making it Small would entail. I was trying to shoulder the weight of the world that seemed to slowly be collapsing. I got a flip phone as an experiment, to see if I could do it, to see what it would feel like. I wanted to know what it would be like to have to figure things out on my own, to be in silence, to be present in the moment that I was in. I wanted to stop opting out of being alive.

About a month ago, I switched back to my smartphone on a whim. To see if I could, to see what it would feel like. It hasn’t solved anything. It hasn’t cured me. It has made my life easier in a lot of ways but harder in others. I miss the way I could walk around with a built-in excuse as to why I had not seen your email. I liked not having the pressure of every piece of knowledge at my constant disposal. I miss the way I felt I could walk around the world without trying to sever myself from it. I would walk in silence instead of trying to impose some soundtrack onto my reality, the soundtrack of the life I’d rather live.

#severance #ling ma #flip phone #essay #personal essay #literature #writing

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