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eddie-van-munson · 2 years

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I'll Make You a Deal (Eddie Munson x Reader)

Summary: Eddie Munson, your dealer, drops in to sell to you. After he spots the drum set in your living room, he makes you another deal: half price if you'll play for him. How was he supposed to know your "concert" would turn him on?

Requested by @whoreofscience

Warnings: Smut (Unprotected p in v, Slight Breeding Kink, Dirty Talk, Squirting), Reader has Pierced Nipples, She/Her Pronouns, Talk of Marijuana, Cursing.

(I'm having some writer's block, so bare with me! I'm doing my very best! Requests are open, but the waitlist is long.)

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Eddie didn't realize he had a thing for nipple piercings until he was standing dumbly on your front porch, trying not to stare at your tits as he stuttered.

You were in an oversized Iron Maiden t-shirt, the hem just brushing the tops of your thighs. If you were wearing bottoms, they were short enough that he couldn't tell. That in itself would've been enough to warrant him filing the memory away for further use. The hottest girl at Hawkins High, a cheerleader, for god's sake, in nothing but a t-shirt? An Iron Maiden t-shirt, no less! It was like a fucking wet dream.

His eyes caught on your chest when they raked over you. He could see your nipples through your clothes, the thin white fabric gathering on either side. Piercings. Little silver barbells. The outline of them was clear as day.

His train of thought crashed, cheeks going pink as he fought for words. "I um...I...I didn't know you liked-..."

You crossed your arms, which only put your tits on display for him even more. "Iron Maiden?"

He gave an awkward chuckle, scratching his neck. "Yeah...m-metal."

A knowing smirk tugged at your lips, "You're drooling, Munson."

You turned from him and he trailed behind you like a lost dog, making sure to shut the door behind him, politely. His eyes danced around the room, admiring the impressive array of posters you'd papered the walls with. Motorhead. Wasp. Megadeath. Priest. Most intriguing by far was the drum set assembled in the corner, a gleaming electric blue in the sunlight.

He wandered over, kneeling to admire the kit. "You live here alone?"

"Nah. My roommate's out of town. The drums are mine though, if that's what you're really asking."

He laughed, realizing he'd been caught. "They're fuckin' sick. I didn't even know you played."

You rustled through the contents of a messy drawer as you searched for cash, "There's lots of stuff you don't know about me, pretty boy."

"Apparently. Maybe I should take more house calls." The pet name lit a match in his stomach as he stood, shrugging. "You always look so sweet with those pom-poms. I thought you'd been buying with daddy's money. You know, saving your allowance up to throw together a party-stash. But you're not the little princess I took you for, are you?"

"Don't judge a book by it's cover, Munson." You winked, a wicked smile splitting your face as you pressed a wad of cash into his palm. "It's forty for the ounce, right?"

He chuckled, an idea forming in his head as he sighed, " 'm afraid not, princess. It's fifty, now. Twenty-five per half."

"Are you fucking with me? Jesus, man. You're robbing me blind." Eddie giggled as you searched out another ten. "Whatever happened to rewarding customer loyalty?"

He rolled his eyes, plopping down on the couch. "Customer loyalty, hm? So you haven't been cheating on me with Rick?"

Your gorgeous lips curved, "Now why would I cheat when you give it to me so good, baby?"

Eddie's ears went pink, a hot ache forming below his stomach at the words. You were cat-like as you stared him down, toying with your dinner before eating him whole.

"Well, you used to, at least." You raised your brows in dismay and sighed, adding the last bill to your stack.

His chest deflated at your words. God you were good. Dangerously good. Eddie smiled at the control you had over him, mischief in his eyes. "Alright then, sweetheart. I'll make you a deal."

You looked amused, as if you were sharing an inside joke with yourself. "Yeah?"

He nodded, long legs folding as he propped his ankle on his knee and spread his arms across the back of the couch. "I'll give you the whole ounce for twenty five-" Your eyes lit up, but he quickly cut in. "If...you put on a little concert for me."

"A concert?" Your jaw dropped.

"A drum solo, to be specific."

You snorted, "Are you serious, Munson?"

"As a heart attack." He shot you a shit eating grin.

You grabbed your sticks off the counter, "And what kind of sick fantasies of yours would I be fulfilling if I did that?"

Eddie laughed loudly, head lulling. "Oh, my fantasies are far more deprived than this. This is nothing."

You narrowed your eyes, pushing your drum stool over a few inches before taking a seat. "Nothing..."

"I'm just curious if you can actually play or if you're just desperate to impress me."

You rolled your eyes, "You're lucky I need the cash."

"You're lucky I didn't ask for a lap dance."

Your laugh was bright and pretty, a lock of hair falling in your face as you shook your head at him, "Freak."

Eddie only beamed at the name, as if you'd awarded him a badge of honor. "You flatter me."

He should've known not to ask you to play for him. Three seconds in, and he was down for the count. Whipped.

Yes Eddie, ask the super hot rock 'n roll-cheerleading-stoner chick who's barely wearing pants to play the drums for you. Better yet, ask her to do so while she's clearly not wearing a bra, so you can watch her tits heaving beneath her shirt.

You could feel his eyes on you as you focused on the set. It was just something simple, really. It wasn't uncommon for people to ask you to play. You'd thrown together an impressive enough fill ages ago, having grown tired of wracking your brain for something to "perform" every time you were asked. It was muscle memory. You'd played it a million times now, but for some reason, your dealer's big brown eyes were making it hard to remember what the hell you were doing. It took a ridiculous amount of concentration to get through the solo. You were out of breath by the time you gave one final flourish, shoulders rising and falling steadily as you choked the last note on the cymbal.

Eddie's pupils were blown as he stared at you, his cheeks flushed. The room was tense, the air feeling significantly more dense than it had before you sat down. Christ, had these jeans always been this tight in the crotch?

You looked like pure sex as you stood, tossing your sticks to the side. "What'd you think?"

His mouth went bone dry as he searched desperately for a quip. He shrugged, "It was alright."

You smiled softly at his weak teasing. Eddie's chest ached. I've gotta get the hell out of here.

He stood abruptly, grabbing his black lunch tin and setting it on the counter so he could dig through it. His voice cracked when he spoke, "Alright. Twenty five. It's yours fair and square."

You opened your mouth to speak, but cut yourself off as you suddenly realized the source of his discomfort. No matter how he tried to hide his body against the Formica, it was obvious. Eddie Munson was rock hard.

"Eddie..."

He could tell you had noticed from the tone of your voice alone. He panicked, tossing you a plastic baggie. "You know what? Just take this and pay me next time. I'll get out of your hair and-"

"Eddie!"

He froze, mortified. Christ, he'd never live this down. Not in a million years.

He was halfway to the front door when you stalked over to him predatorily, an amused look on your face. He was too embarrassed to meet your eyes, but he also didn't want to stare down at your chest. You hummed, stepping in close against him to trap him between your body and the wall. "You're hard, aren't you?"

"N-No..." He forbid himself to succumb, as if you were trying to lure him into a trap.

"Hmm..." He tasted your breath as you reached forward to hold the collar of his shirt, nose nudging against his. Your lips were just out of reach as you slid a warm hand up his thigh to palm him through his jeans. He inhaled sharply, wetting his lips as his eyes fluttered shut. The corner of your mouth tugged. "You sure? It kind of feels like you're hard."

He chuckled breathlessly, "Alright, you caught me." Your cupid's bow grazed his, and his lips parted as he anticipated a kiss, but you didn't relent. He cursed, breaking down and pulling your hips in against his by the tie of your tiny pajama shorts. His words were hoarse with want, "If you want to touch me, then touch me."

"Who said I wanted to touch you?" Your words brushed and intertwined as you tortured him, your voice unbothered. Eddie felt like he was going to rip his hair out if he didn't feel your hand on his cock again within the next five minutes.

He pulled back, double checking that you were only toying with him, "I suppose you just felt me up for no reason, then."

He held your face in his hand like you were a doll, tracing your pretty smile with his thumb, his eyelashes heavy.

" 'm gonna make you a deal too, Munson."

Interest played in his eyes as he ignored the ache in his lower stomach.

"You're going to make me cum with your mouth-..."

"Jesus Christ." He exhaled, his words little more than a croak at this point.

"And then as a reward, I'll let you use me however you want."

He caught your gaze, eyes going wide. He cleared his throat, his hands still sitting firmly on your hips as if he thought you'd run off. "Use you? You mean like-"

"Fuck me?" You nodded, your body growing impatient and needy as it pressed in further against his, "Yeah. Whatever you want, Eds."

There was a silence. Finally he gave a soft chuckle, bewildered. "What the hell is happening? Is this something you do a lot?"

"No. 's just..." You held his hand where he cradled your face. "You're hot and you're obviously horny. I am too. Figured it was a best case scenario."

He laughed, grinning, "Christ, tell me about it." His big hands crept to your ass, rolling over to press you against the wall instead. "I mean, my favorite client just asked me to taste her and fuck her silly? Hawkins own little cheer captain telling me to use her like a goddamn sex toy... I've gotta be dreaming."

Your chuckle is broken by a moan as Eddie wedged his thigh between your legs, letting you grind against him.

"God, this...shit...this isn't helping your ego is it?" Your eyes scrunched as you fought a moan, your head lulling back against the wall.

Eddie gave a wild grin, "You're wet aren't you?"

You whined, brows furrowing in concentration, "Soaked. You're gonna want to wash these pants."

"Are you kidding? I'm never washing these again." He groaned as he trailed kisses over your jaw, "You're going to taste so good, aren't you? All wet and needy for me..."

"Stop talking." You laughed softly, already looking halfway fucked out. Eddie whined pitifully, "Come're. Wanna make sure you're a good kisser before your head's between my legs."

Eddie Munson wasn't a good kisser, he was a fucking fantastic one. What wonderful information to have. He was warm. Ridiculously warm, really. That boy was a human space heater.

He touched you like he wanted you, though, and his lips were soft and needy. He smelled like green apples, perhaps from his body wash or shampoo, and tasted faintly of smooth cigarettes and some kind of candy. He groaned as your hands laced in his soft brown curls, and you decided right then and there as the kiss grew dirtier that you could get drunk solely from the feeling of his tongue against yours.

"Fuck, Eddie..." You didn't try and hide your moan this time.

"Lay down." He choked desperately, not caring where or how you chose to do so as long as he could strip you. "Like, right now. Lay down."

You giggled as he pushed you gently down onto the couch, hands fumbling to pull off your pajama shorts as you laid back. He settled between your legs, content to get to work right away, but you stopped him. "You've been staring at my tits all day, you perv. Are you gonna suck on them or not?"

He cursed, watching you toy with the piercings through your shirt. "Jesus, you're evil. You know exactly what the hell those've been doing to me, don't you?"

You laughed as you helped him tug off your shirt, revealing your bare tits to him. The silver that studded each of your nipples glinted in the sun that streamed in through the living room window. He cursed, watching you preen as he dragged his thumb over one, carefully. "How sensitive are they?"

Your face scrunched, "S-Sensitive. Not painful, though. I got them done a long time ago."

"Shit baby..."

He played with them for a few minutes, testing the waters to see if certain touches would be too much...what you liked and what you didn't...before finally cooing your name. He stared up at you with those gorgeous brown eyes as he took one of your tits in his mouth. You groaned, arching tensely against his hot tongue as he sucked you. His large, warm hand cupped your other breast, and you gasped sharply as he flicked and rolled its little silver stud. You felt him moan against your sternum as he buried his face in you, peppering kisses across the delicate skin there as his kiss bitten lips gave some attention to your other side.

"Eddie..." You sounded so pretty when you sighed his name like that, pleasure making you wiggle and squirm.

He smiled mischievously as you slowly grew more frustrated, "What is it, baby?

"My thighs are getting all sticky. Need your tongue." You frowned, searching for friction.

He had to take a deep breath at that, steadying himself. "Shit, you're gonna make a mess of me aren't you?"

You only whimpered in response, lifting your hips in hopes that he'd pull your ruined panties off. He hooked his fingers beneath your waistband, deciding to be nice and show your pretty cunt some love.

The fabric stuck to you as he when he pulled it down, and he groaned loudly. "Oh baby...you're not playing fair." You bit your lower lip as he laid on his tummy, and he giggled at the little squeal you gave when he pulled your knees up to rest over his shoulders. His breath was hot on your center, and your body tensed suddenly as he licked your inner thigh, smearing you across his chin.

You growled, "Holy shit, just touch me or you'll cream your jocks before you even get a chance to fuck me."

Eddie laughed, his smile blinding as he pressed a single kiss to your clit. " 'm just enjoying you, baby. 's not every day the Queen of Hawkins wants to ride your face."

"You are so annoy-..." You gasped, fingers immediately lacing in his dark curls. He chuckled against you as he lapped his hot tongue over the length of your slit. You whimpered pitifully as he explored you with his wet mouth. "Shit..."

He hummed teasingly, "That's it...she's needy isn't she, sweetheart?" You rode his face as he suckled at your clit, his eyelashes fluttering shut as he got lost in the taste and feel of your slick. Vibrations frizzled your nerve endings as he spoke against you, "Can I use my fingers? Or just my mouth?"

"Fingers..."

He shook his head against you as you bucked into his chin, sneaking his hand between your legs. His eyes trained on you as he pushed his middle finger deep inside, crooking it gently as he pulled back to spit into your heat. You mewled and writhed as it dripped down over your folds, wetting you enough for another finger to slip inside.

His name was breathless on your lips as his free hand groped at your breast, his fingers continuing to thrum against a deep, soft spot inside of you. His lips were fit perfectly around your clit, sucking and nursing at the bud there as he tried to mentally record each sound you made.

He throbbed as he grinded his hips down against the couch cushions, precum wetting his boxers. The feeling of your hands in his hair tightened the ache in his stomach, making his skin hotter and hotter with want as he buried his face in the apex of your thighs. You flinched, walls pulsing and tightening as he grazed your gspot.

"T-There! There..."

Even with your eyes squeezed shut, you could hear the cockiness in his voice. "Mhm, 's that the spot, angel?" He pressed down, rubbing hard fast circles against a soft spot deep in your tummy, and you cried out raspily.

"Oh God...Fuck! Eddie!" Your back arched sharply as your tensed, TV static starting to tingle your fingertips and toes. "Don't stop."

"I won't. I've got you. Just let go for me..."

Swells of warm pleasure washed over you, your insides flipping and fluttering and pulsating as your head fell back against the couch. Your jaw fell open in a silent scream, your stomach muscles twitching. Blood roared and rushed in your ears. and your vision went white as you fought the remaining trembles and flinches. You squirmed, pushing lazily at his head as he continued flicking his tongue.

"Eddie 'm....'m done. 's too much." The ache in your stomach started to reform itself, his mouth not bothering to move from your sensitive clit. "Eddie..." You whimpered, tears welling in your eyes. "Hurts..."

His chest ached at your pitiful voice, "Just one more for me, hm?"

"Eddie..." You writhed, though pleasure had already started teasing at the edges of your belly.

"It'll only hurt for another second, angel. Tell me if it's too much."

His words were fuzzy, your head already too far gone as bliss welled up in your muscles again. You were sensitive, and the sensation built more quickly this time as he sucked. Your hips chased the feeling, "Oh...Oh..."

When you came a second time, it was like a dip in cool water, soothing the burn of the first orgasm that had ripped through you. You felt loose...warm and content.

Eddie's voice was soothing as your heavy eyes blinked open again, though you couldn't quite process what he was saying yet. He looked so beautiful there as he smiled at you. "There she is. Hey, pretty...You comin' back down from the clouds?"

You nodded, eyes dizzy. "I...I'm here. 'm here."

He couldn't help but croon down to kiss you softly, and you gave a happy sound. He smiled against your lips as his heart fluttered.

"Eddie..." You whispered, voice raspy as you pecked one last kiss to his lips. "I bet you've got a pretty cock."

He laughed through a groan, gripping your thigh in one hand as he rolled onto his back, pulling you on top of him, "Yeah?"

"I've thought about it a lot, actually." You gave an evil little smirk, "I bet you're pretty all over."

He blushed as you leaned up to peck both of his cheeks, "No one's ever called me pretty before."

"Well you are. 'm kind of upset you're not naked, yet. I want to see those tattoos, Munson." Your hand snuck beneath the hem of his shirt, gliding over his happy trail.

His palm slid down your back to your ass, squeezing it. "Fuck, baby. Tell me how you want it."

You shook your head, pushing his shirt up so he could pull it up and off his shoulders. You traced his inked skin, your tongue dancing around the edge of the picture drawn on his bicep. "That's your choice, pretty boy. You want me on top or beneath? Or maybe you'd rather take me from behind..."

"Shit, All of the above." He groaned as your quick fingers tugging at his belt buckle, pulling it loose. He lifted his hips as you slid his jeans and boxers down. The sight of his cock made you curse, his pink tip already weeping against his tummy. "Fuck, Eds. I was right, wasn't I?"

His hands slid up over your thighs as you took him in your fist, pumping him slowly. His hips jumped, head tilting back as his eyes scrunched. "I have a question."

You smiled, "Mhm?"

"You said I could use you however I want. Does that mean...um...I just wasn't sure if you were on the pill because I..." He groaned, gripping your hips.

"What do you want, sweetheart? You can tell me." He choked a sob as you dipped your hand between your legs to gather your slick, smearing it over his length.

"I want to cum inside you." He blurted it desperately, as if he could barely choke the words out.

You grinned, sliding the head of his cock through your heat, "You really are a freak, aren't you Munson?"

He went breathless as you hovered over him. "I'm a freak. 's true...'m a freak." His brow furrowed, colorful curses escaping his lips as you slid down onto his length.

You squirmed against the dull ache, tears welling at the overwhelming heat, "Fuck, Eddie 'm so full."

"Oh god, you're so tight baby..."

His head was fuzzy and weak. His tip was deep inside you, nearly grazing your cervix when when his hips met the bottoms of your thighs. Your slick leaked from you down onto his happy trail. It felt like you were being split in half. You could've sworn there was a bulge in your belly when you pressed your hand to it. Your voice was breathless, "I need just a second."

"Hey, 's okay. I've got you." He rubbed the crease of your hip comfortingly, wondering to himself when the last time you'd been with someone was. Clearly you were experienced. You were a goddess, for christsake. But the look on your face made him think maybe you weren't bedding "Hawkins' Best" as often as you would have liked him to believe.

You sat there for a while, full and warm and content. Eddie's hand slid from your hips to your middle, sneaking his thumb down to circle your clit slowly. You whimpered as it soothed the slight ache, the stimulation relaxing your walls so they could adjust to his girth. You rocked your hips ever so slightly.

"That's it...'s that feel good?"

You nodded as you planted your hands on his chest. Eddie watched you with wide eyes, knowing his tip must be leaking inside of you from the sight alone.

Your eyes were closed, brow furrowed with concentration as you carefully, slowly fucked yourself on him. You sought out your own pleasure, adjusting slightly on him like he was your own personal sex toy. He cursed when you found a good spot, freezing in that position to bounce up and down on your knees.

"Shit, baby. You using my cock to get off? Fucking yourself on in?"

You went faster, clutching your own breast with a whine as the thrum of pleasure built in you. Eddie's hips bucked, unable to sit still and watch you any longer, and your inner thighs began to slap against his lower stomach. You gasped, head falling back as he met your hips with every thrust. He bounced you in his lap, a warm, dull pain settling in you as he nudged your cervix. "Eddie..."

You sounded so desperate when you moaned his name. A far cry from the overly confident voice you normally used around him. It made his chest flutter, knowing he was making you feel so good that you couldn't find it in you to worry about maintaining your cool image. "What is it, angel? You feeling good?"

The whimper you gave barely resembled a yes. "You can f-fuck me whenever you want to, ok?"

He inhaled sharply as your walls pulsed and clenched, giving a breathy chuckle at your words. "Yeah? You like getting cock from your dealer, sweetheart?"

"I..." You gave a sob as he thrusted up into you hard and fast. "I like you..."

"Shit..." He pulled you in close letting you lay over his body with his stomach against yours as he gave your cute ass a slap, kissing you lovingly when you squeaked. His warm hand massaged the little red spot as it formed, squeezing you. "I like you so much, baby. You don't even know."

You moaned a pretty moan, lifting his head a little to gather his hair off of his neck. You kissed down his jaw, sucking his Adam's apple when he swallowed thickly.

"Fuck...Always loved seeing you in those cheer uniforms...Waving those pom-poms. Always thought you were the prettiest thing in town. Innocent as a lamb."

You gave a pitiful whine at his confession, your clit hitting against his abdomen with every thrust.

"And then today...finding out we like the same shit and seeing your pretty little tits all pierced and watching you play those goddamn drums... Fuck princess. You tryin' to kill me?"

"I wanted to suck your cock." You whined, hips bucking.

"What?"

"When I saw you at the front door...You looked so pretty, Eds. I wanted to get on my knees for you."

Eddie felt himself twitch inside you, and you squeezed his thighs. "You know what? I think you're a freak too..." His thumb found your clit as your jaw dropped, walls throbbing around him. He could feel you getting close. "You're a freak just like me, aren't you? Letting your dealer fuck you raw and cum inside you? Imagine if all of your little cheer friends saw you now..."

His dirty talk had your eyes glued to his dark ones, fighting back the swelling feeling of your high as he egged you on.

"You said I can fuck you whenever I want, huh? Bet you'd like it if I railed you in the janitor's closet before a pep rally."

You cried out, writhing as he held your hips down against his, making you sit still with his full length in you. He pinched your clit gently as you fought for friction.

"What would Chrissy say, huh? What would she say if the next time you did your little pyramid, she looked up and saw my cum dripping down your legs?"

He cradled your face, dragging his thumbs over your cheeks to collect the tears that had gathered in your lashes. "I-...I'm so close."

"Cum. Jesus christ, cum for me baby. I've been edging for like, ten minutes." He fucked up into you messily, struggling to keep his rhythm as your muscles finally contracted around him. You sobbed loudly, thighs clenching around his hips. You barely noticed the rush of clear liquid that released from inside you, pooling on Eddie's stomach and rolling down his sides in little wet trails.

If Eddie wasn't already gone, the feeling of you squirting heat all over his abdomen did him in instantly. The tightness in his muscles snapped like a rubber band. He gave a pathetic, whimpery moan, one that would have embarrassed him if his brain hadn't felt like it was on fire, and arched off the bed sharply as his body tensed with bliss.

His vision was white when as he returned to earth slowly, his gaze was drunken beneath his eyelids as he laid there, limp with more pleasure than he'd ever felt.

When he finally came back to you, you were curled up into his side, brushing away tears from his cheeks that he didn't remember shedding.

"Eddie...Eddie..." You cooed his name, combing hair back from his face sweetly. You gave a relieved sigh. "Jesus, Eds. I thought I'd killed you."

"You did." He groaned, still catching his breath. "And what a way to go."

You laughed brightly, kissing him as wrapped an arm around you protectively, "You alright? You need water or something?"

He shook his head, "Just want to keep kissing you. I didn't get to kiss you nearly enough."

You hummed, "Kind of got excited and jumped to the main event, didn't we?"

His lips curved sweetly, "Next time, I'll be nice and slow with you...take my time."

You can feel yourself blushing, which is not a common occurrence. "Next time, huh?"

"Oh, yeah babe. You're mine now. I've recently been informed that I can fuck you whenever I want."

"Ah yes..." He catches your giggle, his lips finding yours as he reaches for his shirt and hands it to you.

" 'm gonna kiss every inch of you. Twice. Maybe three times if I'm feeling sappy."

"Mhm...well I still want you to fuck my face if we can fit that into your schedule."

Eddie snorted, "I was trying to be sweet! You fiend!"

"So was I!"

He squeezed your ass passively, "Well then, I'll make you a deal, Tiger..."

You fought a smile.

"I'll graciously allow you to blow me and I'll give you the ounce for free if..." Your brows raised, "You'll let me keep you."

"Keep me?" You knew exactly what he meant, but you wanted to hear him explain.

"You know, take you out. Kiss you whenever I want. Write you love poetry and shit."

Your tummy fluttered, "Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?"

He chuckled, "I think that'd be an appropriate term for them arrangement."

Mischief split your face as you stared up into those pretty brown eyes.

"You've got yourself a deal, Munson."

***********

@steeldaisies @eddielives1986

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littlemisskookie · 7 years

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Dick and Mortified

Dick and Mortified Ship: MadScientist!Reader | FWB!Yoongi Description: Rick and Morty!AU | Your friend-with-benefits is dragged into a crack-like adventure to get Mars Argo, on a planet you’re wanted on. Warning: The humor is inappropriate/slightly offensive/really random/really stupid. Lots of dick jokes, like way too many. I’m not saying this is good, trust me, it’s basically a crack oneshot. But enjoy it anyway. Handjob, Blowjob, Intercourse, Dirty Talk, Cumplay, Masturbation Word Count: 6,647 A/N: This is far different from typical smut since it’s more like action/crack smut, and it’s a lot different from any of my other works, so don’t expect complex characters or eye-opening issues being brought to light, because I needed to write something light hearted that let me laugh. That being said if you don’t like the humor or jokes or just find it poorly done, then you’re free to leave. This was mainly for fun, especially after I binge-watched the show. Enjoy!

You and Yoongi were officially dubbed the title of friends with benefits, and though years ago he would’ve never so much as considered talking to you, he now found himself hooking up with you frequently, and more often than not being dragged away on adventures.

You were always seen as strange, eccentric even. You missed multiple classes, and at first, Yoongi simply assumed that you were one of those kids who was lazy and skipped many classes, perhaps up to shenanigans that had you being chased by the cops for your wild and crazed antics.

He was partially true about that, except it turns out the cops were in the forms of giant wasps.

Though you were scarcely seen at classes, you seemed to ace every test, being at the top of the school despite doing any work. Everyone was baffled and intrigued, wanting to get closer to you and see exactly what made you so special, and yet something drew you to him.

Frankly, he could’ve cared less. Sure, he was curious in a sense, but it didn’t mean he was going to do anything about it. Would his eyes trail after you, spotting the bright white lab coat you’d occasionally tie around your waist? Of course. Did his brows furrow when he spied you doing something particularly quirky, and a small event or detail completely baffled him, like when you found a way to have a pencil write on your paper for you when you fell asleep in class, or that one day where your hair was moving as though electric currents were going through, making your hair stand straight and far from your head, as though static. The oddest part was that it stayed like that all day.

And as oddball as you were, with no one quite knowing what your deal was or even managing to really get so much as close to you, for some odd reason, you approached him at a party. Truth be told, you were drunk out of your mind, as Yoongi would later find out happened quite often, but immediately you latched onto him, and thus continued your hookup for the night.

Much to Yoongi’s surprise, you stayed the night, and after spending the day in his dorm while telling absolutely horrendous, inappropriate jokes and vulgar comments that sounded as though it came from the mind of a teenage boy, Yoongi was instantly transfixed, finding your sense of humor equally horrifying and hilarious. You were blunt at times, avoiding beating around the bush, and it was rather refreshing sometimes.

And thus began the friendship. Often times you two would insult each other, letting the comments roll off your back, and Yoongi would guffaw at some of the words you’d say, absolutely surprised that a girl could curse like a sailor or be so perverted. You were constantly horny as well, so it seemed, and the only time you’d stop being so crazed was during sex, which he found to happen quite often. You were also sort of a dick, not really caring about anyone but yourself, but Yoongi would find that at times, he was an exception.

Apparently, what first drew you to him was his bright blond hair, and because he seemed to somewhat enjoy your humor and could both take and throw insults, you kept him around, the sex being an added bonus. You were officially dubbed the honorary title of friends with benefits.

But it wasn’t until after six months that Yoongi came to find out exactly what it was you did and why you missed classes. He was simply waiting for you, texting away on his phone, when a bright flash of green appeared before him, and you tackled him.

He was shocked, and staring into the green, swirling void- which he’d later find out to be a portal- he saw something absolutely jaw-dropping pop out from it. It was some sort of monster, but it was entirely made of candy. You had forced Yoongi to stand once again, running, and he was absolutely mindblown when you got some sort of ray from your lab coat pocket, zapping at the monster. Yoongi’s mind felt as though it couldn’t process what was going on, but he was already on the run as you encouraged him to do, all the while zapping behind you until the candy man was literally blown into skittle-like smithereens.

Yoongi would’ve guessed you had killed someone or facilitated some sort of alien government, but as it turns out you just slept with the candy-man’s wife.

After that whole situation, you revealed that you were literally the smartest person in the universe, building robots and gadgets that wouldn’t be used until the far off or near distant future, and often times you wound up in trouble in other dimensions. Yoongi asked why you didn’t want to give any of your brilliance or gadgets to the government to help them along their research, and you only muttered something about bureaucracy.

But because he somewhat helped you with the candy-man (AKA falling on his face and having the monster trip over him, giving you the perfect opportunity to shoot him), you found him rather useful and decided to make him your partner in crime for the following adventures. The atrocities and absolute chaos Yoongi would see and have partial help causing made him rather stunned, but he admitted he liked going on those adventures with you. Not only did your crude humor have him rolling his eyes and trying not to laugh at the nightmares that ensued, but typically after a great adventure, you were more so in the mood for sex. He never understood, but he never really denied it either.

After a while, he got used to the various adventures you’d drag him along to, though of course, it didn’t mean he was necessarily okay with some of the crimes you had him commit.

Today’s adventure was no exception.

Your spaceship- which you apparently made completely out of robot prostitutes from a distant planet where STDs came in the form of computer viruses- had crashed into the window of his bedroom. The boy was startled, fumbling out of bed as he kicked the covers off his feet and looked to you.

“Y/N, what the hell?!” he shouted at you. “You can’t just crash into my bedroom- oh my God this is my dorm! What are you thinking?”

“Yoongi, Yoongi,” you mutter, climbing out and stepping over the rubble you made, repeating your name and showing your habit of saying his name often whenever you talk to him. “I’m a fucking genius, I can clean this up in five minutes, do you think I really give a shit?”

“I know that! But for goodness sake-”

“No time!” you say, grabbing onto his arm and dragging him behind you. “We’ve gotta go, Yoongi.”

“I’m still in my pajamas,” he murmured but knew he had no choice. Climbing into the UFO, he quickly did his seat belt, spotting you drinking from a bottle of champagne as you started driving. Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut, and once he opened them, you guys were in a completely different place.

“What are we going to do?” he asked you, unfastening the seat belt.

“Getting Mars Argo.”

“What? Is that a drug or something? Don’t tell me it’s another one of your fancy wine bottles,” Yoongi grumbled.

“What? No, she’s an American artist,” you huffed, taking another sip of the bottle. “She was replaced by Poppy in some great conspiracy theory, and more or less she disappeared from the face of the Earth. No one’s seen her since.”

“Wait, what does this have to do with anything?”

“Turns out her boyfriend, Titanic Sulfur or something, sent her to get kidnapped to this planet to replace her with this creepy cyborg girl that’s blowing up on the internet- not important,” you say dismissively. “The point is she’s been here for years, and we need to get her back because she had some good ass music and I want more of that shit.”

“Jesus Christ,” Yoongi muttered, facepalming.

“Doesn’t exist,” you finish, winking and snapping finger guns at him. Your crude sense of humor and devotion to science never failed to make him grimace.

“Wait, so why’d you drag me along on this one?” Yoongi asked, yawning. Of course, he already knew that you needed him because you were partners in crime, but you seemed to have another answer each time to evade his own, simply because of either your pride or creativity.

“Because without me you’d have completed the rest of your college career, getting a job and meeting a nice young lady and making her your wife, having kids early in marriage until they eventually add onto the stress and difficulties of your relationship, straining it and changing the two of you forever, and you end up having a mid-life crisis at 46 when you realize you hate your job, leave your wife and kids to rediscover yourself only to break the family bond and have them hating you forever. Then you go to the church believing that if you pray hard enough to a god that doesn’t exist you’ll be saved in the next life, only to be sent to a nursing home and die while shitting your pants. At least with these adventures, Yoongi, you’ll have something to look back on fondly instead of just your divorce, wondering what might’ve been, and scrolling through dating apps for a sugar baby pathetic enough to sit on your wrinkled dick that has cum like toothpaste by that age. Don’t live a mediocre life, Yoongi, trust me. It’s so sad Yoongi.”

Alright, so perhaps he shouldn’t have asked.

“Fair enough,” he muttered. “Alright, let’s find this Mars Argo chick.”

Suddenly helicopters were coming, as well as police cars, and soon enough the two of you and the ship were surrounded. Aliens of all shapes, sizes, and colors- who oddly enough reminded Yoongi of testicles- stepped out of the vehicles, pointing various weapons and missiles at the two.

“Oh, I may have forgotten to mention this is another planet I’m wanted on,” you shrug.

Yoongi’s eyes are wide. “Oh, you’ve really done it this time,” he hisses.

“Chill dude,” you laugh. You take out your portal gun, shooting at one of the walls and delivering a hard kick that pushes the ship into the portal, thus closing it.

“What’re you doing?!” Yoongi exclaims. “That was our chance of escape! Our ride!”

You flicked his forehead, which he angrily swiped away. “Calm down, Yoongi, we’ll get out. I have the portal gun, and besides, I know these guys’ weakness. Cheer up a bit, it’s not every day you see these tentacle monsters who look like they’re inspired by the male scrotum. I mean, you think you’ll see this fucking shit every day? The last weird thing you saw was the Chupacabra when we shaved it!”

Granted, that was yesterday.

“You know you always drag me into these things,” Yoongi grumbles. “If I end up in alien jail I swear-”

“Yoongi, Yoongi, Yoongi,” you hushed him, pulling another item from your lab coat and placing a weird gun in his hand. “Look, survive and I’ll blow you in the ship, alright?”

“I want to survive anyway,” Yoongi mutters. “But who am I to turn down a blowjob?”

“Atta boy!” you say. “Now, shoot the tampon gun!”

“The what?” Yoongi asks, flabbergasted. What did you just say?

You rolled your eyes. “They’ve got the same fears as a prepubescent straight boy, Yoongi, trust me! Just throw the damn tampon, or shoot it!”

Yoongi stared into the barrel of the gun, the aliens all murmuring and waiting to see what he would do, all of them too scared to shoot or make a move, anticipating the humans’ attack. Yoongi aimed it at one of the aliens with a missile and squeezed the trigger, sure that it would simply bounce off of the creature.

To his surprise, the small white bullet embedded in the creature, and it screeched in agony as its skin and flesh started to dissolve until there was a gaping hole in its chest that was growing larger and larger by the second, eating away at the flesh as it almost evaporated. It screamed in agony, firing the bullets from its own gun off and even killing a few of its friends as everyone panicked.

Yoongi was mortified, gripping onto his gun as he neared closer to you, and you watched the scene in boredom. “Oh yeah, they’re also allergic to cotton. And feminine products,” you say dismissively. “That should’ve been a good thing to tell you. But they’re idiots, they won’t pay attention to us for the next few minutes.”

“Oh dear God!” the dying creature shouted out as the others surrounded the wounded beast. “I’m dying, I’m dying! Mom… Mom is that you? I thought you just left Dad… Mom where have you been for the past ten years? We missed you…”

“We’re losing him!” the creature beside him shouted out. “Brandon, listen to me, you can’t. Don’t go into the light, I repeat, don’t go into the light!”

One of the creature’s tentacle-like arms reached above, “I’ll take your hand… Mom.”

“No!” another monster pushed forward, this one having long squid-type hair. “No, Brandon, it’s me, Marsha. I’ve loved you for so long and I’ve been so scared to tell you, but if you die on me, I swear- I-I… Don’t leave me! I love y-”

His arm dropped, and his long fruit-by-the-foot-like tongue rolled out of his mouth, announcing him dead. The creatures around him bowed in respect and grief, and Marsha wept over his dead body.

“Well, that happened,” you remarked, pulling out a bottle of wine, putting the cork between your teeth and yanking it back to open it. Yoongi never understood how you could fit so many things in your lab coat pocket, but you simply muttered some science-mumbo-jumbo and something about acid.

Marsha’s monstrous face looked up, and they acknowledged your presence for the first time since Yoongi shot Brandon, and suddenly Marsha was pointing a gun at Yoongi’s head, letting out a monstrous screech. “You killed him! Why, you’re dead, buddy!”

“Woah there, Debra, or whatever typical white suburban Mom name you’ve got,” you interrupt, yanking Yoongi out of the way. “Look Susan-Beth-Janice- fuck, I don’t know, but he’s innocent.”

“You’re wanted!” Marsha shrieked. “Oh, you’re heading to jail, bitch!”

“Alright, Yoongi, it’s about time we head out-” you grab him, running through. “Shoot shoot shoot! I know you, you’ll drop the soap on the first day, and tentacle-sex isn’t as good as it is in anime! SHOOT!”

Yoongi fired the custom-made gun everywhere, hearing shrieks as others began wildly shooting at the two of you, red lasers narrowly missing you two as you dodged past the dissolving bodies and ran. The lab coat tied around your waist flew behind you, almost like a cape, and Yoongi’s heart was pounding in his ears as he tried to fire off behind him. He felt as though you two were about as screwed as a pregnant woman with a smoking addiction.

The two of you swerved, going behind a building and hiding behind some nearby trashcans. At least, Yoongi assumed they were trashcans. They certainly smelled like they were, like a dead hooker rotting by some expired sushi.

“Tell me why you’re wanted in another planet?” Yoongi bitterly spat, holding on tightly to the gun and keeping watch.

You roll your eyes, “Wow, someone’s grumpy. Who pre-shat in your pants?”

“Fuck you,” Yoongi grumbled. Both of you were used to talking to each other this way, neither taking it personally. Between your asshole-ness and his intolerance towards your dick attitude, both of you were fine with spitting insults to each other.

The comment rolled off your back as you waved off his comment, looking down at the wine bottle that was half empty. Yoongi had no idea how you could still be basically sober when you’ve had a full bottle, but alcohol was typically needed to be in your system in order for you to do anything.

“That’s your job,” you fired back, wearing a cocky grin as he scoffed. “Anyways, if you must know, it’s because I cut off the balls of their king.”

“You what?!”

“Hush up, will you?” you snapped, pressing the bottle against his lips. “Do you want us to get caught?”

Yoongi swiped the bottle from you, taking a small sip and handing it back to you. “Alright, tell me what happened.”

“I thought I was getting an interview to be the head of the military, and I ended up getting interviewed to be some sort of sex doll, Yoongi,” you murmured, making Yoongi’s brows jumped. “Anyways, he made a move on me, and I didn’t like where he was putting his bedazzled tentacle, so I cut off the balls of his octo-dick. You know, I heard they cut off the balls of male rapists in India, and then they can’t reproduce because the semen factory is gone. At least that’s what my fifth-grade teacher said when she was high.”

“This is insane,” Yoongi shook his head. “They’re trying to kill you because you were almost raped?”

“Well, you know how it works,” you shrugged. “Convicted of something, and someone privileged either gets the story dismissed or goes through a punishment 1/10th of what they actually deserve. And because he was the king, of course, no one really knew the real story, and I’m accused of treason and attempted murder.”

“Well, removing his testicles might’ve been a bit extreme,” Yoongi points out, receiving a glare from you.

“We do it to dogs all the time, Yoongi,” you mutter. “It’s called getting someone fixed. He was a bitch anyway, am I right? Am I right or am I right Yoongi? Yoongi?”

“Be quiet! I hear someone!” he says, slapping a hand over your mouth. You grumble, licking a stripe along his palm and causing him to wipe his hand against his pajama bottoms, disgusted.

“A to the G to the U to the STD-”

“How is your phone able to receive calls on an entirely different planet?!” Yoongi asks, flabbergasted once he heard your ringtone.

You rolled your eyes, turning it off. “Yoongi, I’m a genius who builds robots and travels to other dimensions, how could I not figure out how to do that?”

Yoongi rolls his eyes, “You know someone could’ve found out our location.”

“You’re acting grumpier than a man who’s two wives left him, is currently doing cocaine with hookers, and paying them with the money the government gives him for mental illness he faked and is yelling cuss words at baseball games while his psychiatrist sits behind him as he’s unaware,” you roll your eyes.

“How are you so specific about these things?”

“I’ve seen things. There are tons of universes with problems just like ours. Like teenage girls who are forced to keep the baby and end up getting kicked out of their homes and have to become strippers or prostitutes to live and eat and just end up getting addicted to heroine. Or perhaps the little boys who are abused by their girlfriends and can’t tell anyone or risk their masculinity. Or the people who are repeatedly told they don’t have a mental illness because apparently, they don’t exist.”

“Alright, you’re getting dark. What are we going to do? We’ll get caught eventually,” Yoongi huffs.

“It’s fine,” you say. “Besides, we need to get to the palace. I wouldn’t doubt if the king himself would be the one holding that underrated and practically unknown talent from the world. He’s an awful man, Yoongi, the one who’s more terrifying than the portrayals of him. He’s the one who haunts kids, who causes the worst dreams and inhabits your nightmares!”

A chill ran down Yoongi’s spine at your description, though he refused to show it. “What is he, a werewolf?”

“Say, have you ever had sex with a werewolf?” you ask him, getting side-tracked. “I don’t mean that midnight sparkle bullshit, I mean like an actual werewolf. Man, definitely something I’ll go back to. Wasn’t bestiality necessarily, but if it is considered bestiality, it’s never felt better.”

“Y/N!” Yoongi snaps, trying to keep a straight face. “Stop getting perverted and side-tracked for five seconds and figure out how we can get this Uranus chick?”

“It’s Mars, you uncultured swine,” you fire back, pursing your lips. “Alright, I’ll whip something up.” You take one last swig of the bottle, and toss it to the side, getting up and running off.

Yoongi’s eyes were wide, “Wait, are you leaving me here? Y/N? Y/N!”

He must’ve screamed too loud because the horde of the laser-shooting monsters was now running towards him, discovering his hiding place and he was already running. God, he should’ve slept in, he loves to sleep, why’d he agree to this?

Tampons and lasers were shooting through the air, and soon enough it was just him and Marsha, who was crying while pointing her gun directly at him, pressing the barrel against his forehead. “Drop your weapon!” she shouted out, her throat swelled and a gurgling sound accompanying her cries.

Yoongi dropped the tampon-gun, which had run out of tampons not too long ago, and he was silently praying for you to finally show up like usual and fuck shit up.

“You’re going to die today, twerp,” Marsha hisses, pressing it harder against his head. “This is all your fault.”

A shot fires and Marsha crumbles, her shoulder bleeding out from the wound. Yoongi sees nothing there until you take off a necklace, revealing yourself and a crazy and brightly-colored gun by your side. “You got receipts, Judge Judy?” you say snidely. You shoot in her head about three more times, positive she’s dead.

“Where were you?” Yoongi asked, trying to catch his breath.

“I had to go to a planet of tiny bigfoots to get a legally-safe necklace,” you say, holding it out. “This’ll help us sneak in. I’ll be recognized on the spot, I’m too popular. Those D-Bags once tried to arrest me when I was eating fucking waffles, but it took them forever to actually do it. A lot of the time these idiots just stand around and wait for you to murder one of them.”

Yoongi raises a brow. “How am I going to sneak into the palace? For fuck’s sake I jus murdered someone again.”

“We’ll dress you as a butler. Trust me, these guys are idiots. If you have a bowtie on they won’t even think twice about if you’re human. And if any one of these pea-brains suspects, my invisible ass can knock them the fuck out,” you say, holding up the special gun. “I made this out of a kid’s water gun and alien testicles.”

“What?!”

“I’m kidding,” you laugh. “It wasn’t a water gun, it was a Nerf gun. Man, that prep shit is great.”

“That’s disgusting,” Yoongi grimaces.

“And I’m still going to be sucking your dick tonight,” you wink. “Now, I’m getting hornier by the minute, so let’s get this over with.”

True enough, when Yoongi had on a bow tie, no one seemed to recognize him as someone who caused a rampage just half an hour ago. You snuck him in the palace by opening certain doors, and he could hear the small beeps and such from whatever invisible gadget you were working with, and he swore he could feel a bit of your lab coat brushing against his leg.

“We’re almost to the King’s bedroom,” you say. “Argo’s hot as shit, so no doubt he’s doing terrible things to her. We can rescue her of course, but we also need to shoot the bastard.”

Yoongi wasn’t quite able to hear what you were saying, mainly because a maid who walked past kept on muttering, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job,” and he was too busy trying to not seem suspicious, though he trusted your plan.

“I want to go to bed,” Yoongi grumbles.

“And you also want to be top for once, but clearly not everything goes your way,” you grumble, and Yoongi rolls his eyes at your ribbing. “And we’re here!”

An electrical door was before you two, and a code had to be punched in. Yoongi spied how the buttons were pressed down in a complex and intricate, rather random, order, and soon the door shot up and revealed the room. You slipped off the necklace, entering the room as the two of you stared at the walls, which were worn and a faded yellow.

“It’s like fifty shades of depression,” you grumble. “Where’s Argo?”

Yoongi’s eyes searched the room, and he tugged at your sleeve. “By any chance, would it be the chick in the corner?” You turned to look at the direction he was pointing towards, and sure enough, the blonde girl was in the corner, shivering.

“ARGO!” you exclaimed. “Big fan, how are you doing girl?” The girl didn’t respond, just shivering still. You narrowed your eyes, going closer.

“Y/N, she might be traumatized,” Yoongi warned. “Are you sure you want to-” You gripped onto her hair, yanking her head off, and Yoongi was stunned, jaw dropping. “What the fuck?!”

“This isn’t Mars Argo!” you say, spiteful. “This is… this is a vibrating sex doll!”

“You’re joking,” Yoongi gaped. “Also where do I buy one?”

You swatted his arm, glaring at him. “And you call me a pervert.”

“You are!” Yoongi said, giving you the typical ‘wtf’ stare.

Suddenly the two of you heard some clapping, and a figure slid out from under the bed, similar to Rosé’s slide in Boombayah. You cross your arms as the figure stops clapping, standing to reveal that he was a shadowy creature, with elongated features and long, talon-like fingers, the tips as sharp as knives.

“I’d hate to be the girl fingered by that guy,” you whisper to Yoongi, and he cringes away from you. You glare at the figure. “Hello, Your Majesty. Apparently, the Boogey Man himself isn’t above the slow clap entrance.”

“And apparently the mad scientist isn’t above the 'pointing out how lame the slow clap entrance is’ cliche,” the figure fires back. “Who’s your friend?”

“Min Yoongi,” you comment. You look to the boy, gesturing to the creature before you. “Boogey Man.”

“You’re the Boogey Man?” Yoongi asks.

The creature crosses his arms crossly, “What’d you expect?”

“I don’t know, maybe that living beanbag full of bugs? Like from The Nightmare Before Christmas?”

“What’s that?” the Boogey Man asks.

“American pop culture reference,” you say. “Unimportant. Where’s Argo?”

“Ah,” the Boogey Man chuckled. “We knew you’d come for her, so once we got news that you killed someone- as you always do- we sent her home. Don’t worry, she’s on her way to Earth now.”

“Wait, hold up, why is the Boogey Man the king of some alien planet?” Yoongi asks, baffled. “Is no one questioning this?”

“Yoongi,” you sigh. “We don’t have time to discuss the history of the Boogey Man. Next thing you know you’ll want me to say how I sunk Atlantis!”

“Wait, you did what!?”

“Anyways,” you dismiss him. “How’d you know I’d go after her? She hasn’t been seen for years, man. For all you knew I couldn’t care less.”

“Lucky guess,” the creature shrugged. “Next time we’ll kidnap him,” he pointed to Yoongi.

“Oh fuck no,” Yoongi said. His eyes wandered around the room, and he spotted something similar to your newly crafted gun and grabbed it, pointing it at the Boogey Man. “Try shit and I’ll shoot you with this.”

You grimaced, face palming. “Yoongi… you’re… Yoongi you’re holding a space dildo.”

“What?!” he stared down at his weapon of choice in horror and remembered you saying something about your gun being made with alien testicles. He dropped it, grimacing and wiping his hands frantically against his clothes. “Oh dear God.”

You rolled your eyes, shaking your head and handing him the necklace. “You need this more than I do, so it seems.” You turn to the Boogey man, “Why’d you lure me here after what I did to you last time?”

“I want my genitals back,” he hissed, shaking a fist at you. “And then, I’ll kill you!”

You quirk a brow, a smirk being plastered over your face. “Is that so? Why didn’t you say so! I have it right here.” You pull out the new gun you made, and Yoongi had the most horrified expression, as did the Boogey Man.

“My beautiful testicles!” he shouted out. “You’ll pay!”

Yoongi simply facepalmed, shaking his head. “What is wrong with you people?”

“Come and get them,” you hissed, beginning to shoot at him. He shot down under the bed, a low hiss that was rather snake-like coming from underneath. You shot at the bed, seeing him climb from behind to latch and crawl onto the wall, and he pounced.

Yoongi’s scream of fear was well earned, and the Boogey Man had his talon-like fingers around the boy’s neck, the tips barely piercing the soft skin. “I’ll kill him first,” the Boogey Man hissed out.

Yoongi knew you’d probably shoot anyway, regardless of whether or not he was in the Boogey Man’s grasp, so he thought quick. Throwing the necklace over his head, and the Boogey Man jumped back in surprise, and Yoongi had to duck down as the monster swiped and clawed at the air. Yoongi crawled on all fours, hearing you call out, “Atta boy, Yoongi! Yoongi my man, Yoongi. Yoongi, dunno where you are, but try not to get caught. Got that Yoongi?”

Yoongi huffed in response, crawling to the side as you began wildly shooting at the monster, though it jumped from the walls and crawled on the ceiling. Jesus, that thing was creepy.

“You’re probably a pedophile!” you shout at him. “Hiding beneath kids’ beds and all! Pervert! Take this! Die already! Pew pew mother fucker!”

You shot wildly, and Yoongi wasn’t exactly sure how much ammo you had left. Thinking fast (and cringing all the while) he grabbed what he mistook as a gun earlier and threw it at the back of the monster’s head, causing it to be surprised and fall to the floor. You took the opportunity to shoot him in the leg, rendering him immobile. You stepped on the creature’s neck, pressing the gun against his head and twisting his arms behind his back.

“You’re going to be killed with your own balls,” you tell him. “And you deserve it for making me come all this way for nothing!”

“Please!” the Boogey Man cried out. “Have mercy! I’ll do anything! People will perish if I die, and all will go into anarchy and-”

You fired, and the Boogey Man was dead. Huffing, you stretched your arms, scrunching your nose. “Does that look like my problem?”

Yoongi slipped off the necklace, becoming visible once again as he looked to the Boogey Man. “You know, I figured he’d have a sack over his head or something.”

“He’ll be having a body sack soon,” you shrug.

“Should we be concerned with the future of this planet since their king is dead?” Yoongi asks.

“Nah,” you shrug. “Yoongi, am I really the type to be concerned with this shit? You know me, I’m an asshole who’s a slight alcoholic. But I’m a genius, so it makes up for it.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Yoongi shrugs. “You’re a dick. Most times. Other times you almost seem as though you have some level of humanity.”

“Oh I need to fix that,” you grumble. “No more of that fucking bullshit. Anyways, let’s get to the ship, I’ve been horny for the past hour or something and I need to let off some steam from that fucking Boogey Man.” You pull out the portal gun, aiming at the wall, and the familiar green swirl appeared.

“I don’t understand your sexual appetite sometimes,” Yoongi shakes his head. He’s been wide awake now, especially after the Boogey Man, and he could definitely fall back asleep with what you’d sometimes call 'Nyquil’.

“You know what should’ve happened? Dance battle, I mean, they’ve got to call him 'Boogey’ Man for some reason,” you say. “Man, that was disappointing. I didn’t even get to meet Mars Argo!”

“You know she probably won’t make music still, after being kidnapped by aliens and all,” Yoongi points out.

“Way to put the cherry on top of a pretty disappointing day, Yoongi,” you say. “Now, let’s just hope you don’t disappoint me. You’re lucky I’ve seen and sat on your dick so many times I know it’s not the size of a goldfish. This is my reward for you because you did a good job today. Don’t upset me where I revoke blowing privileges.”

Yoongi laughed hard at that, following you as you climbed through the portal, landing inside the spaceship, which was evidently in your workshop that you stowed away in an abandoned factory.

“You know, I’m pretty sure you mentioned you wanted to fuck in here once,” you mention as the portal closes.

“Yeah,” Yoongi says, watching as you slowly remove the lab coat tied around your waist, pushing it to the side. He admitted to you one of the nights he agreed to get drunk with you that he wanted to have sex in the back of your ship, since not only it was it roomier, but c'mon, how often do you have sex in the back of a space ship? Granted it was apparently made from parts of robot prostitutes, but Yoongi learned from you not to overthink things and to just relax. Or, rather, let chaos ensue. Whatever floats your boat.

He let you take control, letting out a sigh of content as your pants yanked down his pajama bottoms and boxers, taking his dick in your hand and slowly pumping him. You sit between his legs as he sits in the backseat, and he watches to see your hand travel into your pants, rubbing yourself in front of him. Yoongi bit his lip, giving you a dark look as you wore a mischievous look on your face.

You offered a small kitten lick at the tip, making Yoongi hiss out slightly. You were the type to drag out teasing for extended about of times, but tonight you owed him this, so that meant you couldn’t torture him forever as you would’ve preferred. You knew it, and soon enough your lips wrapped around the head, and you slowly sunk down his length. Your tongue was pressing against the shaft of his dick, the warm muscle making him hiss in pleasure.

He let out a low groan as the head made contact with the back of your throat, which was an incredibly soft spot. It took a lot of self-restraint to avoid bucking up into your mouth, and you stayed there, swallowing around him. The sensation had a low moan slipping from between his lips, and he could tell that really turned you on.

Your hand was rubbing faster and faster in your pants, the hand motions small but furious, and when Yoongi’s eyes weren’t trying to roll to the back of his head with each time you swallowed around him, he tried to peek down at your hand as you rubbed yourself vigorously.

His hands curled into fists at his sides as your mouth popped off of him, and you inhaled greedy amounts of air. “Are you enjoying this so far, Yoongi?” you purr to him.

“Fuck,” he mumbles. “Yeah. God, you’re great at that.”

Both of your hands reached up to grip his cock, the one glistening with your juices already sliding up and down his length, and the other massaging his balls. You batted up at him, your eyes seductive and pupils blown out with lust. “Want me to ride you, Yoongi?”

He bit his lip, “Please.”

You smirked, “Perfect.” Quickly, you slipped your pants off, dragging your underwear down your legs as well. You climbed up onto the seat, straddling Yoongi’s hips as he leaned back, letting you take control. Your hips swayed, your heat hovering directly over his, and you gripped onto his length, keeping it upright and still as you started rubbing yourself against him. The feeling was pure torture, but he knew you wouldn’t let him get rewarded without a little teasing.

Slowly you sank down on him, and as you did so you sank your teeth down on his shoulder, biting down as he filled you. “You fill me up so good, Yoongi,” you moaned out, and soon your lips were attached to his neck, sucking tentatively as you moved up and down his length, letting him have a moan of content, a chill running down his spine at your words

Ironically enough, the only time you weren’t saying something absolutely ridiculous and inappropriate or being an absolute pervert was during sex. The only time you weren’t making asshole-type comments towards him (though, to be fair he had his moments where he did it back to you, and nothing was taken personally of course), was when you were whispering dirty things in his ear instead.

Sometimes Yoongi wondered why he was going on those wild adventures with you when he could be focusing more on his studies or perhaps sleeping since you cut into that schedule so often. Truthfully he wouldn’t trade your adventures for the world because while he always acted annoyed with them, in reality, they were the highlight of his day or week. Except for the murder parts, he wasn’t so keen on that.

But the parts that really made it all worth it? This. When you were riding him vigorously, sweat forming on your forehead as you moved up and down his cock. When you’d give him pleasure and continue to reach your own, murmuring things about how much you loved riding him and how good his cock made you feel. Your hand was rubbing fast circles around your clit, and strands of your hair were sticking to your neck and forehead, a thin sheen of sweat making you seem shiny.

“Yoongi, just like that,” you panted in his ear, one of your hands coming up to grip onto him. “I’m so close, Yoongi, can you feel me squeezing around your dick? God, I’m so close, I’ll spasm over your cock, I swear.”

Your favorite thing was talking dirty, and Yoongi simply smiled at your words as you stroked his ego. He felt how your walls clenched around his length, and he hissed at the sensation, his hands on your hips as he guided your hips. You felt so warm around him, and from how your whimpers and moan were getting breathy and higher, he knew you were close to your orgasm.

“I’m gonna cum,” you breath. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

You still around him, and he feels how your walls tighten around him, and your legs quiver the slightest bit at the sensation, and you press your sweaty forehead against his shoulder, panting hard.

“You good?” Yoongi murmured.

“Yeah,” you whispered. “Cum in me, Yoongi.”

He worked at maneuvering your hips, having you bounce on top of him once again, and you do your best to clench your walls around him, adding more friction to your otherwise slippery walls to get him to cum. He makes fast thrusts and pumps into you, chasing his high as he felt it rise up, and before he knew it he was filling you up, and both of you were panting, sweaty messes.

“Oh, fuck,” he murmured, and you slipped off of him, hovering the slightest bit. He watched as your hands dived beneath your heat, slipping between your legs. You brought them out, the small digits coated in the white, slippery liquid of both of your cum. Yoongi opened his mouth obediently, and you slipped the fingers in his hot cavern, letting him swirl his tongue around it and swallow the liquid.

“You like your own cum?” you smirk. He only hums in response, staring at you darkly. You giggle, pecking his lips as you climbed off. “I need to go to the restroom to pee now, thanks a lot. I give that a 7 out of 10 because we couldn’t use the toys. But it made my day better.”

“You’re such a fucking dick,” Yoongi laughs, his gummy smile showing that he was satisfied. He could still taste the weird mixture on his tongue.

You winked at him, pulling on your pants and panties, tying your lab coat around your waist. “Don’t act so mortified. You love it.”

“As if,” he scoffed.

#Rick and Morty #rick and morty au #bts smut #yoongi smut #suga smut #smut #crack #crack humor #holy fuck what have i done #this is so stupid but i love it?#min yoongi #yoongi #bts yoongi #bts suga

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