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roosterforme · 9 months

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Always Ever Only You Part 3 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: Bradley just wants to make you as happy as you make him, and he hates it when you won't even let him try. But when your frustration boils over, you snap at the person you believe deserves it the most.

Warnings: Fluff, smut, angst, swearing

Length: 4200 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female Reader

This was written to accompany my series Is It Working For You? along with a bunch of my one-shots and other series, but it can be read on its own! Check my masterlist for the reading order. Gorgeous banner by @mak-32

You had been foolishly holding out hope. Until your period actually began, you'd been telling yourself that maybe there was still a chance. Maybe you had just taken the pregnancy test too early. Maybe you got a false negative.

So when you woke up for work on Monday and needed a tampon, you scolded yourself for your optimism. There was no point in it, because it only made you feel worse in the long-run.

Bradley rubbed your shoulders and kissed your neck as you put your contacts in at the bathroom vanity. You looked gross. You were bloated, and your face was broken out. You vowed to stick to a better diet until you lost some weight.

"Morning, Baby Girl," he murmured against your ear. It wasn't even fair. You wanted him all the time. He was perfect all the time. His voice gave you chills.

"Morning," you whispered. "My period started." Your voice shook pathetically.

"It's okay," he promised. "It's going to be okay."

But you really felt like it wasn't. And work was pissing you off. When you got to your lab, you remembered that you and Cat were going to be spending the day working on proposals together. Great.

"Did you have fun at the Hard Deck?" you asked her, practically throwing your computer onto the counter next to hers.

She looked up at you, and you could tell she wanted to roll her eyes. "It was fun," she replied. "Not really my scene, but I can see where it would be yours."

You wanted to ask her what that was supposed to mean, but you bit your tongue. You wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking you cared about her opinion of you. And you were definitely going to have to tell Jake to get a crush on a hot looking woman who was actually nice, because you'd had just about enough of this. He had bugged you all night at the bar to introduce him to Cat again. He asked you about her all the time, but there was nothing to tell.

You took a seat and pounded away at your keyboard, working all morning while trying to ignore your cramps and your irritation with the woman next to you. Neither of you spoke a word about anything personal. It was all professional. When you noticed that it was noon, you said, "Let's take a break," in as bright a voice as you could.

Jake was waiting in the doorway for you. Or maybe he was just trying to catch a glimpse of Cat. But regardless, when you approached him, he smiled and handed you a container of soup from the cafeteria. "Angel. Let's eat in your office," he drawled. And when Cat breezed past him, he murmured, "Hi, Lieutenant Coleman."

She smirked in response, and Jake turned to watch her walk the entire way down the hall. "You're such a dog," you told him, inspecting the soup and finding it was chicken noodle. "You just need to get laid. Go to the bar tonight. There'll be a line of girls waiting for you."

He met your eyes and shook his head. "I'm not really doing that anymore."

You snorted as he followed you to your office. "Could you imagine if I agreed to go out with you? Bradley and I would have never happened after that."

Jake kicked his booted foot along your office floor before he plopped down into your extra chair. "Yeah, well... he'd have likely killed me if we went out. But, hey, you're not listening to me, Angel. Tell me more about Cat Coleman."

You sighed and ate some soup. "She's mean to me, okay? She doesn't like me."

"I don't believe you."

"It's true. She's so bitchy to me but nice to everyone else. She makes fun of the way I work. She won't eat lunch with me. She avoids me all the time. She hates me."

You swallowed another spoonful of soup, and tears immediately sprung to your eyes. You looked up at Jake, and you knew he could tell something was wrong immediately. When he jumped to his feet, you tried to wave him off, but he was kneeling next to your chair and rubbing your hand before you knew it.

"What happened?" he asked softly. When you didn't respond, he gave you a few seconds before asking, "Do you want me to go get Rooster?"

"No," you croaked, your throat burning with the effort to talk. "I'm fine."

"You do not sound fine. You can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Right."

"Well, I'm all ears."

And he just knelt there next to you while you told him how much you hated going to your lab now. And you told him that you had your period. And then you said, "Bradley and I are trying to start a family, but it's just not happening."

"Hey," he said, letting you cry it out. "You and Bradley are already a family. Plus, you've got Tramp. And Nat and I are like siblings you guys never even wanted."

You kind of shrugged at him. "It's not the same thing."

"I know that, but sometimes it takes time," he told you.

"It's been four months," you whispered.

Jake stood up and pulled you to your feet, and then he wrapped you in a hug so tight, his name tag was digging into your collarbone. "Just give it some time. You want me to talk to Rooster?"

"No. Let's just finish eating lunch."

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Bradley had been trying all week. Kissing along your neck and rubbing your hips through your khakis while you made dinner. But you finally snapped at him on Wednesday night when you were trying to cut up some sun dried tomatoes for the Marry Me Rooster he had requested.

"I'm trying to cook dinner, Bradley. Yes, I realize you're trying to get me in the mood. Yes, I can feel your erection. No, I don't want to have sex. I look gross, and I feel gross." You set down your knife and turned to face him. He had taken one huge step away from you, and now he was looking at you with the saddest brown eyes.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, running his fingers through his hair as he walked down the hallway toward your bedroom.

"Shit," you whispered as you rushed after him. "I'm sorry."

He was standing next to the bed unbuttoning his uniform shirt when you walked in and headed right for him. But he didn't say anything, just yanked his shirt off and tossed it onto the bed. The sight of him in his khaki pants and black undershirt had you sucking in a deep breath. It wasn't that you didn't want him. You just didn't even want yourself right now.

"Bradley," you whispered.

"Nah. I'm going to go workout in the garage," he told you, stripping out of his pants and digging in a drawer for some gym shorts. "I'll eat later. Don't wait for me."

You watched him walk back out of the room. Then he called for Tramp, and you heard the sliding glass door open and then close. You went back to the kitchen and finished making dinner. You had to fight the urge to go out to the garage and get Bradley, because somehow you knew you'd just end up making things worse. You made him a beautiful plate of dinner and left it on the island. And then you got yourself ready for bed. You were no longer hungry.

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Bradley was stressing out. He could feel his composure crumbling as every maneuver he performed in the air was wrong. Everything felt wrong. It was like he and his Super Hornet were out of sync. Like he couldn't trust himself.

"What are you doing, Rooster?" Phoenix asked him through the comms. But Bradley didn't even know how to respond, because he hadn't been paying attention. He was distracted. He was never like this in the air.

And then he heard Maverick call his team back to the ground, and he knew it was his fault. He wished he could take all of the pushups for Phoenix and Bob as well, but it was a team effort after all. So Bradley had to try to keep calm while he could feel them glaring at him through all two hundred pushups.

He had been like this all week. Nothing made as much sense to him as flying did. Well, other than you. But things had been a little rough and unpredictable at home. He wasn't really trying to do it, but he had begun to memorize when you were ovulating and when your period was due. Fucking you was no chore, but he was absolutely ready for you to miss a period. He was obsessed with the idea of you showing him a positive pregnancy test. But it just... wasn't happening yet.

And now he was putting pressure on himself. Because he knew he was a ticking time bomb. He felt it in his bones. Any day now, he would be getting deployment papers. And then you would be alone for who knows how long. Weeks or months. Bradley would be on an aircraft carrier in the Pacific Ocean, and you would be at home, worrying about him. And the mission to make a baby would be put on hold, replaced by a different kind of mission.

The thing was, all of this was bothering him a hell of a lot more now, because it was bothering you so much.

Bradley slammed his locker closed only to find Jake standing there. "You better pull it together, Bradshaw," he said so calmly that it pissed Bradley off even more. "Or you're going to get grounded."

"Do you think I don't know that?" Bradley asked, getting in his face. "Do you think I don't know I'm flying like shit right now?"

But Jake didn't move an inch, and his expression didn't change. "I think whatever is bothering you... well, you should take it home to your wife. Angel will help you feel better."

Bradley took a deep breath and let it out slowly, leaning against his locker with his fist clenched. "She's part of the fucking problem," Bradley growled, and he watched Jake's eyes grow wide.

Jake gaped at him before he said, "I can't think of a single time you've ever said something like that about her." His feelings seemed to be hurt on your behalf, but Bradley didn't know how to explain how he felt.

"When she puts pressure on herself, all I want is to relieve it for her," he told Jake softly, trying to unclench his fist. "But I can't. She won't let me."

Jake sighed. "I think I know what it's about. She's been pretty upset. Tried to tell her it's not her fault, but I can tell she's blaming herself."

Bradley could feel his cheeks flushing. You and Jake were close. The other man probably did know some details about your intimate moments with Bradley which was kind of mortifying. However, Bradley would never want you to feel like you couldn't confide in someone you trusted. It was just hard to gasp that Jake was oftentimes that person for you.

"We just want to have a baby," Bradley growled.

"It's only been a few months," Jake reminded him. "Deep down, Angel knows it takes time."

Bradley looked up at the flickering fluorescent bulb. "Sometimes I feel like I'm never doing enough for her," he whispered, grabbing his bag and brushing past Jake.

But he almost ran into Payback on his way out. "What are you still doing here, man?" he asked with a grin. "If I had a girl as hot as your wife, I'd be home by now, pumping her full of babies."

The urge to punch his friend directly in the face was so strong, Bradley had to bite his lip and keep moving. He needed to get home to you but not take this out on you. That would be unacceptable. Because while you were adding to his stress, he would never tell you that.

You were already home when he walked inside, and Bradley had to try to fight for composure. "Hi," he managed to say. Of course you looked impossibly cute, laying with Tramp on the couch in Bradley's oversized UVA tee and a pair of his boxer briefs. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to keep his hands off you right now, but you'd been distant with him for more than a week.

"How was your day?" you asked him softly.

Somehow your sweet voice just made him angry. Your voice and your gorgeous face and the way he could see your nipples through the shirt. And Bradley couldn't help himself. His voice was rough to his own ears, and he sounded mad. "My day fucking sucked. It was terrible," he growled. "I flew like an asshole. I got everyone assigned to pushups. I was so distracted from work, thinking about you."

Your eyes were wide as you sat up. "Thinking about me?" Tramp jumped to the floor and ran over to sniff at Bradley's boots as he untied them.

"Yeah," he grunted, wrestling out of his flight suit and tossing it to a heap on the floor. His skin felt too hot. He needed to go for a run or lift weights. "I told you I think about you all the damn time. And today, trust me, I wish I hadn't been."

"What does that mean?" you asked him, standing up between the couch and the coffee table, your lips forming a little pout.

Bradley yanked his undershirt off as well, standing just inside the front door in only his compression shorts and his socks. "It means I'm mad because you won't let me try to make you feel better! You don't even want to talk to me, but you'll talk to Jake! I'm fucking pissed that you're skipping meals and ditching me for lunch every day!"

Bradley took off toward the bedroom, leaving you behind. He was afraid of what else he was going to say if he didn't get some space to himself right now. And the last thing he wanted to do was make you cry. But when he got into the bedroom to get some workout clothes, you followed him.

"I'm sorry," you whispered, biting your lip and looking at him with wide eyes.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked loudly, slamming his drawer shut instead of actually pulling anything out of it. "Tell me."

"I'm sorry I've been shutting you out, Roo." You took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry I haven't been eating lunch with you. I know we can keep trying, but when I get my period now, I panic."

"You panic and talk to Jake," Bradley growled. When you simply nodded, his blood boiled. He knew he was red in the face as he closed the distance to you. The words were there before he could take them back. "If you want to talk to Jake all the time, maybe you should have married him."

Your lips parted soundlessly, and then you moaned. A needy sound, from the back of your throat. One that had Bradley's cock stirring immediately.

"I don't want him. I've never wanted him. I just want you."

"Do you want me right now, Baby Girl? Because I wanna fuck you right here," he said as calmly as he could, but his voice was still gruff and unsteady. "You're going to have to tell me to go out back to the garage if you want me to keep my hands to myself. Okay? Because I want my wife. But I will settle for my hand and then the bench press if you don't want me back."

You whimpered, reaching for the hem of the tee shirt and guiding it up over your hips. "I am so turned on," you whispered. "Please."

"Please what?" Bradley demanded, running his hand along his cock through his shorts.

"Daddy," you gasped in shock. Like you couldn't even believe you said it to him. Like you needed him as badly as he needed you. "Fuck me."

"Baby Girl," he whispered harshly as he pressed himself against you.

You yanked the shirt over your head and pulled his boxer briefs down over your delicious hips as you moaned, "I want my husband."

His cock was fully at attention now as he stroked your dainty Rooster tattoo with his fingertips. "I'm right here," he growled, watching you step out of his underwear and kick them aside. Your eyes were wide and fixed on his as you stood naked before him. "You gonna let me take care of you?"

"Yes," you gasped when he moved his hand to your pussy. "Are you still angry, Daddy? From your bad day?"

Bradley raised one eyebrow. He knew how he sounded. He knew he was breathing heavily. He also felt how fucking wet you were as he slid his middle finger along your slit.

"Do you want me to be?" he asked before placing a rough kiss to your lips.

"Yes," you moaned, and in one swift movement, Bradley had the front of your body pressed up against the wall next to the bedroom door. You squealed and braced yourself with both hands as he gently kicked your legs a little further apart.

"You like making me this way?" he growled next to your ear before sucking hard on your neck. "I think you do."

Bradley reached his hands up to squeeze your tits as you whined his name. He stroked your nipples softly with his thumbs while he sucked on your neck some more.

Then he took his cock in his right hand and guided himself to your opening. He filled you in one swift motion, and started fucking you so hard, your face almost hit the wall. He caught you with his hand on your jaw as you whimpered for him.

"You think it's fun to get me all pissed off at work?" he asked, low and soft. "You love having so much control over me, don't you?"

"I do," you whispered as he turned your face so you were looking at him over your shoulder.

"You love knowing I think about your voice during lectures. Think about your body when I'm flying. I can't stop thinking about how much I love fucking you," he said, his voice getting louder as he pressed his forehead against your perfect cheek and brushed his fingers over your tattoo before stroking your clit.

You cried out for him. "I do, Daddy! I love it!"

Bradley was determined to get you off. He wouldn't have a repeat of the dining room floor. Not today. He went a little harder, a little deeper. He listened to the incoherent words tumbling out of your mouth. And then he said, "Try and find someone better than me. Someone else who can fuck you this good. You can't."

"No!" you grunted, your fingers bending, nails digging into the wall. You were struggling to look at him as your eyes fluttered closed.

He kissed along your jaw before ending at your ear and whispering, "I love you." And then he felt it. That beautiful clench of your pussy as you came for him. He knew the feel of you so well. He wanted to take care of everything for you. He needed to give you everything you wanted. Be everything you needed.

He came for you too, hands drifting to your hips as his movements slowed. You were unsteady on your feet as you turned to face him. Bradley's cum was dripping down your legs and onto the floor as you reached for him. Then you were in his arms, kissing him just right with your fingers in his hair. And he couldn't remember why he'd been upset in the first place.

"I love you," you whispered against his lips. Bradley stumbled back onto the bed with you wrapped up with him. When he fell back with you on top of him, you laughed.

"Come here," he coaxed, and you straddled his waist and kissed him until your lips were puffy. When he tried to move, you held him down and kissed him some more. He felt himself relax completely with every little sound you made and every swipe of your tongue against his.

"Roo," you crooned, your lips moving to his neck and kissing him softly there.

He groaned and started to sit up. "What's it called when the foreplay comes after sex?"

You giggled. "Post play?"

"Shit, Sweetheart," he said, letting you keep going with your lips. "You want more?"

"Mmhmm," you hummed against his skin, setting his nerve endings ablaze.

"Give me a minute, and I'll take care of you again."

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You were sore on Monday morning. In the best kind of way. You and Bradley had spent the weekend talking and having sex. And then having more sex. Only taking a break to go grocery shopping and swing by the Hard Deck. Jake knew right away that you were both feeling much better. He was always so patient with you that you found it hard not to smile when he bought you and Bradley beers.

You needed to be more open with Bradley. And you would be. And starting today, you'd meet him and Nat in the cafeteria unless you really were honestly working through lunch instead of hiding in your office. You just needed to get through your morning with Cat. Which was easier said than done.

She gave you short answers to every question. When you asked her to type up some of the notes you wrote, she looked at you with a raised eyebrow. "Shouldn't you have typed this up yourself?"

You sighed. "I worked it up over the weekend. In my free time. I read it to my husband as I wrote it, and it seemed to flow easier when I wrote it."

She scrutinized your notebook. "Well I can barely read it. I'll work in the code while you type it up. I'm better at the code anyway."

Was she implying she was better at coding than typing? Or that she was better at coding than you were? She made you so mad. The next time Jake mentioned how beautiful her eyes were, you were going to pummel him.

Everyone else had already deserted the lab when you realized what time it was. "Should we take a lunch break?" you asked, scrambling to lock up your computer. Bradley and the others were probably waiting for you already. You did not want to disappoint him today. Not after such a perfect weekend.

"Fine," Cat agreed. Her tone was short, like you were throwing off her entire day by deciding to take lunch at lunchtime.

You squared your shoulders and turned to face her as she stood up. Then you blurted out, "I don't understand what I did to make you dislike me."

Cat froze in place, her eyes appraising your face. You felt the prickle of embarrassment along your skin, and you were afraid she was going to laugh in your face. But she just shook her head slowly. "I don't dislike you."

"Yes, you do," you scoffed, your embarrassment swiftly replaced with annoyance.

"No, Lieutenant Commander. I do not," she said, firmly closing her computer. Then she went off, and you didn't stop her. "But your life is so perfect, it's honestly hard for me to relate to you. Even at work. Your husband dotes on you. He's always in the lab, bringing you snacks and asking you about your day. You've got Seresin in here all the time, too. And you're the golden child. Bickel sings your praises at the meetings every week."

Your eyes were bugging out. "But, that's not-"

She cut you off and kept going. "You and I both have the same master's degree, but I'm a year older than you, and you outrank me." Her voice sounded bitter as she said, "I'm a single mom. My life is a mess. I'm broke. We live with my uncle. I feel like a joke all the time. But your life is perfect. And trust me, I wish more than anyone else that I wasn't jealous of you."

You stood completely still and watched her walk out of the lab and disappear down the hallway. Your life was not perfect. The fact that it maybe looked that way to someone else shocked you. Cat thought she was a mess. Well, you were a mess, too. But she was a mom.

A moment later, you followed her down the hallway toward the cafeteria where Bradley was waiting for you with a smile on his face and a bottle of your favorite hot sauce on his tray.

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Oh. Cat's a little jelly of BG. Well, Cat... BG just might be a little jelly of you. Thanks to @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 4

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thelucidityofdeath · 9 months

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plus sized reader hcs with margot!barbie.

margot robbie!barbie x fem!plus sized!reader.

summary: headcanons for barbie with a female plus-sized reader!

warnings: fatphobia, brief mention of starving yourself

a/n: i imagine this has been done before but i wanted my take on this!! this is the first time i've written headcanons as well as an x reader story so i apologize if things are a bit messy. reader uses she/her pronouns and this is for human barbie!

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barbie is all for body positivity.

that's why when she met you, she didn't even notice your weight. she saw you as a normal woman and treated you as such.

however, when you and barbie started dating, she quickly realized a lot of people didn't feel the same way.

so many people, for whatever reason, hate fat people. they treat it as an insult. they think all fat people are lazy and just lay around eating food all day.

it breaks barbie's heart.

back in barbieland, there were plenty of plus-sized barbies. nobody cared about their weight; everyone saw them as the beautiful and hard-working women they were.

so why is it that whenever barbie holds your hand as the two of you walk down the street, people shoot you disgusted looks? why do people always walk up to her and say, "you deserve so much better than that pig" like you're not the love of her life?

barbie isn't a violent person by any means. but when she sees the judgemental looks people give you when you order food, she wants to punch someone.

barbie's willing to defend you at all costs. she just thinks you're so beautiful and perfect. she doesn't understand how people could call you lazy when you work so hard every single day.

she hates whenever you talk negatively about your body. she'll always reassure you, insisting that she loves you no matter how much you weigh.

if you decide you wanna start trying to lose weight, she'll support you every second. she'll come with you to the gym if you want and she'll help you pick out foods that match your diet.

if you break those habits, she'll assure you that it's alright and you can try again whenever you feel up to it.

if you try starving yourself, barbie will immediately notice. she obviously doesn't wanna shove food down your throat and force you to eat, but she'll probably sternly talk to you and tell you how important it is to have food. afterward, she'll try to coax you back into eating by cooking your favorite meals.

overall, she's just very supportive of you. she wants nothing but the best for you and she loves you regardless of your size. <3

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once again i apologize if these are messy! not used to writing x reader stories or headcanons lmao. hope you all enjoy!

#barbie #barbie movie #barbie 2023 #barbie x reader #margot robbie #x reader #fem reader #plus size reader #chubby reader #barbie margot robbie #barbie fluff #barbie fanfic #barbie x f reader #headcanons #fluff

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carmensapientia · 2 years

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Unpopular LOA opinions

1. A lot of you need to give up tumblr Sammy Neville etc. read this post about you don’t have to reach other peoples standards to manifest. The most successful manifesting I did was by stepping away creating my own rules experimenting and that’s it. Blindly I’m taking information and following other peoples rule and work won’t help you. It’s your thoughts and you have to create a rich inner world for yourself. Seeing other peoples success won’t make it your own. Do the work

2. Give up on following trends. The void commanding your subconscious only doing SC etc and being stressed out doesn’t always help if there’s an obessession that’s creating a feeling of lack stress or disappointment get rid of it. Your thoughts are just as powerful as the void if not more so. The void and law only works because you believe it so.

3. Manifesting instantly and undoubted is possible. You can easily manifest the ability to manifest effortlessly instantly and without a doubt, you just have switch into that mindset.

4. Mental diet > self concept. Abdullah didn’t teach SC. He knew he was god and the law worked but that’s it. SC isn’t the end all be all and a lot of people are trying to perfect their SC when it’s not necessary. Just close the door to negative thoughts and your SC will fix itself. How can you have a negative perception of self if you don’t even think negative thoughts.

5. SC is much deeper than being pretty or love. It’s also how you see the world. Do you find it safe peaceful or is it a struggle for you. Is life fair for you? SC should focus on ALL areas of life for example money, love, friendships, family, success, work ethic/life fairness(do you think you have to work hard or ??), beauty, body, weight etc. SC should encompass your new beliefs and your state of having your desires.

6. Persistence isn’t that hard. It really is. All you have to do is think. You don’t have to believe or feel it. You don’t have to know every detail or mess with the how. You just have to say it’s done and it will be.

7. Doubts resistance etc literally does not exist. These are literally powerless thoughts! Giving it power makes it have power. Doubt (a small meaningless thing) stands nothing compare to god(you!). Stop perpetuating the belief that doubt and fear exists and can ruin your manifestation.

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anincompletelist · 3 months

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get to know me tag! :D

OKAY @bigassbowlingballhead I am combining your tag with the ones from @littlemisskittentoes and @read-and-write- even though those were SO LONG AGO NOW but I realized I haven't ever really posted much about myself on here (unless you've followed me over from @soldouthaz ) sooooo HERE IS THAT? <3 thanks for the tags friends I loved reading about y'all!

First Set

Last Song: JAPANESE WHISKEY by Ruel

Last Film: No Hard Feelings jshdkjshd

Currently Reading:

the books sitting beside my laptop right now are:

- War of the Foxes / Richard Siken - Letters to Father / Franz Kafka - Time is a Mother / Ocean Vuong - On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous / Ocean Vuong - Devotions / Mary Oliver - The Cinnamon Peeler / Michael Ondaatje - Little Weirds / Jenny Slate

and fic-wise:

- I am hoping to finish the newest chapter of a sea of hope by acastle tonight - I just read A Thing of Beauty by @orchidscript last night (was wonderful!) - and I just compiled a list of all my January favorites here !

Currently Watching: The Bear is the next one up on my watch list if I ever manage to get around to it! love ayo so much!

Currently Consuming: a large diet coke from sonic skjhdkshd my beloved <3

Currently Craving: a cinnamon roll?

Three ships:

Firstprince

Sterek

I used to write Larry so I guess that counts? skjdhsdjkh

First Ship: oh gosh, I think sterek, but also technically Eddie and Loren from a show called Hollywood Heights when I was in middle school skjdhkjshd

Second Set

Were You Named After Anyone?

yes! the story of Sarah in the Old Testament of the Bible! she was described as faithful, loving, caring, stubborn (ha), and loyal, and also ties into my adoption story :)

When Was The Last Time You Cried?

oh gosh, several days ago, I think? it was my birthday skhdkjshd (no further explanation needed)

Do You Have Kids?

I do not, although I am the certified and confirmed 'Mom Friend'

What Sport Do/Have You You Played?

no <3

Do You Use Sarcasm?

not typically unless it's with someone I am very comfortable with. I work in a lot of mental health conscious areas and am studying to be a therapist so I try not to use any type of humor that could be negatively interpreted!

What's The First Thing You Notice About Other People?

usually body language! I'd say I pick up on energy fairly well, so that too, if applicable.

What's Your Eye Color?

blue! (surprise I am Henry)

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

cannot watch scary movies, I have far too much anxiety in general to have a need to induce it intentionally jshdkjhs. it doesn't have to be a happy ending though, so long as the theme/lessons are well done. I adore digging into films and picking apart all of the layers and symbolism, so anything with some emotional weight is right up my alley! but I enjoy a bit of everything :)

Any Talents?

I'm a photographer both as a job and as a hobby, and I work part time as a makeup artist as well! I enjoy writing in my free time (obviously) and I like painting and drawing, although I definitely wouldn't consider myself very talented in those areas skjdhksd. honestly anything creative I will try and probably enjoy!

Where Where You Born?

Texas (I am Alex actually)

What Are Your Hobbies?

I touched on it earlier but photography, makeup, reading/writing, anything creative and anything psych related pretty much!

Do You Have Any Pets?

I have three! all dogs, two chihuahuas and a dachshund :)

How Tall Are You?

5'5? (I have been telling people my entire life I'm 5'7 and at my last doctor's visit they informed me that I was a liar!)

Favorite Subject in School?

english and psych!

Dream Job?

any place I can help people. I would love to be involved in a cause larger than myself while also getting to do something I'm passionate about, so anything from an english teacher to an editor to a therapist to volunteer work!

open tag to anyone who would like to share! <3

#about me

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hiddles-and-skittles · 2 years

Text

Beautiful Inside and Out (1)

Pairing: Bucky x Plus Sized Fem Reader

Word Count: 933

Warnings: body dysmorphia, fat/stretch mark/cellulite insecurity, negative self talk, angst (but always ends with fluff!❤️) I've been feeling bad about my body lately so I wanted a lil comfort.

Notes: Hello!!!🥰 I know this has been done several times before (so I'm terrified of "so and so's done this already" comments) but I'm gonna try to do a drabble or one-shot for an insecurity anyone sends me, because I'm trying to stay on here more. But I just got my first full time job since October so updates might not come as often as I'd like. Things have been a little hectic on my end but I'm not giving up!❤️ These will be default paired with Bucky, but if you'd like another Seb character I would love to give that a try. I wrote this one during my many hours of break at work lol so I've got a liiiiittle downtime.

------

You were so sure it'd work this time.

Less than a month ago, the decision to change your diet weighed heavily on your mind. You knew it was going to work out, despite all the previous times you tried every other diet on earth. This time you were determined.

Three weeks in and you swore you could feel the difference in your weight, until you saw something that changed your mind.

You'd finally mustered up the courage to look at yourself in the mirror before running a well-deserved bath, but the second your eyes laid upon the fresh, bright red stretch marks on your thighs, tears tumbled down your cheeks.

You gripped the edge of the sink while a sob wracked through you. How do other people do this so easily? You've done everything you could to drop ten pounds at least and instead, you've probably gained that. You didn't hear the bathroom door open over the bath water running and the sounds of your cries.

Bucky's face was twisted in concern as he hurriedly stepped in, carefully inspecting your naked body for any wounds. He turned the water off and shut the door behind him, placing his hands on your hips and giving you a light shake to get your attention. You pitifully wiped at your face and dripping nose, but refused to look up at the mirror again. He nudged up your neck with his nose, about to kiss your sweet spot when you shouldered him off.

"Not tonight," you sniffled. His arms snaked around you again while he rested his chin on your shoulder.

"Please tell me what's wrong?" He whispered, nuzzling into you despite your protests. You sighed.

"Give me a minute." He acknowledged you with a squeeze and sat down on the toilet lid. "I really don't...like myself today." You almost felt disgusted with the confession, like you're seeking undeserved attention. "I hate looking in the mirror. I try so hard-or maybe I don't-to lose weight, to fit the clothes in my closet, but I c-can't." You hiccupped the last word and rolled your eyes at how pathetic you thought you sounded.

"What made you think that today?" He pressed gently.

Reluctantly you pushed away from the sink and placed yourself in front of him.

"Just...look."

You directed his sight to your thighs, but his soft gaze never wavered, shifting from them to you.

"What about them?"

"Ugh...I've gained weight. I can't even fit my boxers anymore."

His tongue darted out to wet his lips. "Buy bigger boxers." Your mouth dropped open, almost offended by his words.

"Buy bigger boxers? Are you serious?"

"You're not supposed to fit your clothes. They are supposed to fit you," he said softly, taking your hands in his and rubbing his thumbs across the backs of them.

"Every time I look in the mirror anymore it makes me cry. I just see all these scars, these blemishes, the mess that I am. I just see the bad."

"You know what I see?"

He anchored his arms around your waist and pulled you to him, suddenly leaning down to place a kiss at the top of each thigh-on top of the reddened marks that decorated them. You gasped, a stray tear sliding down your cheek. He rested his forehead against your soft belly and kissed there also. You bit back a sob when he lifted his head to look up at you with a gentle smile, and in his eyes was nothing but pure adoration.

"I see you."

He pulled you into his lap and you crumbled into him, arms wrapping tightly around him while he shushed your cries and soothed his hands along your back.

"I wish you wouldn't compare yourself to other people, doll. I know you won't hear me when I say how amazing you are in every way, but I'll tell you anyway. Because you are." He bent to kiss your shoulder. "Always. If you want to lose weight that's great, but don't do it because you've been on the internet for too long, or because you think that's what I want. Do it for you."

You groaned in response and he hummed back at you, because yes, he's reading your mind. You just didn't want to admit it.

"But if you're gonna do that, let's do it right. I'll help you. And another thing? No mirror or scale will ever determine your worth. Ever."

You took in a deep breath and exhaled, reeling back to look at him; a perfectly sculpted god among men. And here you were, staring down at him, lips trembling, face flushed, undoubtedly with your double chin on display, with snot pouring from your nose, and he still finds you the most beautiful creature he's ever laid eyes on. And he's lived quite the life; no telling how many women he's seen. But you? You're a different story.

"Okay," you relented, rubbing at your eyes. "But I'm mad that you're always so..." you gestured to his body. "...perfect. In shape. Fit. You don't even have to try." He chuckled.

"That's the super soldier in me. But if it'd make you feel better, there could be a little super soldier in you." You bat at him when he winked.

"Just a 'little'?" He feigned offense and you laughed. "Well, we gonna sit here all day or are you gonna make it happen, Sarge? Because I don't find it fair that only one of us is completely nude."

"I'll start the bath, but I can't guarantee you won't need another one when I'm done with you."

#bucky barnes x you #bucky x reader #bucky x plus size reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fluff #bucky angst #bucky barnes #marvel #mcu #bucky x reader comfort #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x reader fluff #my writing

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bioethicists · 1 year

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how should a partner support a person trying to recover from anorexia? hands-off?

i’m never sure whether to try and say to them starving will interfere with their academic ambitions. i am so scared because they mix this anorexia with genuine concerns about eating healthily and exercising, and when i get worried it’s for the wrong reasons it hurts them

this is hard bcuz if i'm being honest, i was/am a fucking monster about defending my anorexia + i would lash out HARD when anyone tried to question me. so i would say- if/when your partner becomes defensive or even cruel when you try to voice your concerns, remember both your rights + needs as a partner AND that it's not about you but about the intense fear of losing or confronting that coping mechanism which may no longer be serving them. the hardest truth i've had to face in recovery is that deep, meaningful connection + anorexia exist in opposition to one another + you must sacrifice part of one to access the other

take my advice with a grain of salt BUT my recommendations as a partner + things that worked for me are

- learn what you can about ed recovery- true, robust ed recovery. in your ask, you mention "genuine concerns about eating healthily"- i highly recommend learning about intuitive eating + healthism + fat liberation + diet culture + whether or not "eat healthy and exercise" is actually a meaningful concept that can be divorced from diet culture. learning about diet culture together can actually be a very connecting + transformative experience @heavyweightheart has good posts on this

- refuse to engage in the ed reassurance spiral. things really shifted for me when my wife stopped entertaining my "is this shirt too tight did i eat too much is this ok for me to eat" talk + started saying things like "you look good no matter how tight your shirt is- why does it matter if it's tight? i would never tell you that you ate 'too much' because that doesn't really exist- i'm sorry if you feel sick, though! i'm never going to tell you that you can't eat". it infuriated me but those reassurances of "no babe u don't look ___, no you haven't eaten too much etc" just fuel the disordered belief that gaining weight or looking a certain way is Bad or that eating in a certain way is Bad

- model the relationship with food + movement you want your partner to be able to have. stop dieting, stop speaking negatively about your body, stop exercising punitively or to change your shape, stop moralizing food, start eating often + with joy. at the very least, this gives your partner a safe place to land when they're ready.

- tbh, people told me that anorexia would destroy my academic talent + i just ignored it + told myself i was special/different. i had to see it to believe it- and even when i did, i told myself it was because i was stupid + bad at anorexia (lol) + adhd + being too critical. i think it's a good thing for people to be made aware of + to at least learn the science behind why you are just neurologically not capable of functioning in the same way as you would be when eating enough calories but again, that takes a specific mindset to really appreciate

- make sure that your partner knows that you love them exactly as they are + recovery is not a precondition for loving them + you do not expect them to perform healing + you believe you could feel more connected to them and feel safer about their wellbeing if they confronted their ed

- in anorexia, there are no "genuine concerns about eating healthily and exercising" that are untouched or separable from the eating disorder. there is absolutely no amount or type of food that can be eaten that is more harmful than restriction, full stop. i hope you don't take this as me being harsh with you but rather me stressing that any fixation on eating "healthy" or exercising "enough" is going to be steeped in those disordered beliefs. most of the conventional wisdom about what that even means is rooted in unscientific + toxic beliefs from diet culture- your partner needs to eat enough, regularly, w/ as little limitations as are safe/feasible, and move in ways that make them feel good + do not cause any stress or harm to their body

tl;dr learn about what a healthy relationship to food/movement looks like + model it, show empathy and love without feeding disordered cycles of reassurance seeking, demonstrate both unconditional love + an eagerness/passion for them to recover, lovingly contradict your partner's "healthy" forays into restriction + exercise

#ed /

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not-poignant · 10 months

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When I found FFS last year I was in the middle of learning what foods I could tolerate while trying to address GI tract issues. It was a long and scary process. I lost a lot of weight, and it felt like any time I ate anything it would trigger symptoms. FFS was the first and only time I've seen that experience in a story, and it was such a comfort to have that while I was struggling.

Efnisien's condition is different than mine, but some things he went through were very close to my own experiences, like how eating coused symptoms and not eating just did the same thing. Him looking at a hamburger and not seeing food, but something that would hurt.

I'm doing so much better now. I can go days without being in pain. I can eat full meals without triggering symptoms, and when I do have symptoms I have a good guess as to why. I'm gaining weight back, and I'm in a position to help my Dad with his changing diet.

I ate a cupcake for the first time in over a year and it didn't hurt.

I love FFS for so many reasons and I just wanted to thank you for working so hard on it and for being so generous.

Hi hi hi anon,

Firstly, *sad high fives* and lots of solidarity for the GI issues. I have my own to deal with and they're a pain. (Literally!)

I think it's really frightening in the beginning because not only do you have the literal pain / agony to deal with, and the fatigue, and the disruption, you also have the added 'bonus' of not knowing exactly what's causing the issue/s. I remember I got screened for so much stuff, including cancer, and each time a test came back negative, eventually I was left with a diagnosis of 'idk just try not to be stressed I guess' (ironic, because I have literally a severe stress disorder - PTSD).

There's some relief in the days you can eat and it's less painful, or you have a meal, and there's no cramps. I wish more and more days like that for you anon, more days you get to look back and the pain becomes a memory, and not a constant threat.

This stuff is hard, there's very few things as foundational as eating, and disorders that mess with it are the worst. I'm both like... glad I could write someone like Efnisien for catharsis reasons, but also relieved that instead of folks telling me it's disgusting that I wrote about like, him having diarrhea, there's been people instead being like 'honestly same, this sucks, but it's good to know it's not just me.'

It's definitely not just you, anon, and it sucks that this stuff is often a lot more taboo to talk about than say, having the flu, or asthma. And that makes sense, but it still makes it isolating and lonely!

Anyway, I'm very glad you like FFS, and in the meantime, may you have more and more and more times where food is gentle to you! <3333

#asks and answers #digestive health #digestive disorders #falling falling stars #efnisien ap wledig #fae tales au #why are people so nice #it was like... good to write about Efnisien's GI stuff for purely selfish reasons #but i also know so many of us deal with versions of this stuff #i mean heck i felt so seen when Hank Green did his video on Crohn's years and years ago #administrator gwyn wants this in the queue

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swordheld · 2 years

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how do you deal with insecurity? i cannot stand the sight of myself in the mirror every day. sometimes it has my blood boiling that i have to live in this kind of body. i feel inferior to other individuals who are far more talented and attractive than i am. it just hurts every day to live like this. sorry for the vent :(

hi, darling. this is a little long, so before we begin, please know that i am mentally covering you with a soft blanket, and gifting you a warm cup of tea.

image is a very difficult thing. being comfortable with your body and how you are perceived is a very difficult thing. i struggle with insecurity daily, whether that is within image, academic, self-doubt, or otherwise. knowing that you are not alone, and that it is an innate human experience to compare ourselves, is a very important starting place, in my mind. it’s something universal, but it is not something that lasts forever.

for me specifically, it's been years and years of a long journey consisting of actively working on ways to improve my own view of myself; and even then it's only been in recent years that i’ve developed an inner questioning of gender, performance, and who i am when no one else is around (finding out who you are to you). it’s all been accumulative, it’s all been a collecting of who am i today, and the generous mystery of who i will be tomorrow.

remembering that i have a choice in who that person is, that my choices today influence the results tomorrow, next month, years from now, has been an enlightening perspective to hold onto through that process.

keep in mind: there are many aspects that come with image that we cannot control (weight, skin, hair, ways of experiencing/mental processing, etc.), they are given by our genetics, and are predispositions that are out of our hands from the beginning. knowing this: just because you have something that may be different from the conditioned norm of societal expectation does not mean that they are bad, or that you are, by extension.

give yourself space for kindness is above all, my most important advice. remember that you are the universe experiencing itself, and it is a hard thing to be human. remember in your best and worst moments that you are doing your best (always relative, best for today, best for now, this is a constantly shifting thing) and that’s okay. go easy on yourself. you can always try again.

here is the cheesiest and yet most constant piece of advice i have kept: if you want to change, make sure that you are changing for yourself. sit down with whatever medium you prefer, and think: what do you want to feel like? what things would you like to try that might improve your health, your mental wellbeing, your outlook on existing, and not just solely your perceived body/self?

it's all too easy to let yourself slip into things that feel like quick-fixes: eating disorders, fad diets, working yourself to the bone (both mind and body can be targets for this). but many of them can be harmful in the long term. the thing that has worked for me the most has been a slow, ongoing process of rewriting the way that i instinctively interact and think about things, and it has results that are not so easily undone like the quick-fixes might have.

one of them is something very lovely that has helped me a lot in finding a way out of feeling inferior to your peers: flip the feeling on its head. make the negative association into something positive. for ex.: someone you know is incredibly good at something that you’re not? that’s amazing for them! they probably put a lot of work and time and effort into it; so ask them about, learn about it, meet them on a level where both of you can meet in the middle and grow from there. people love talking about the things they love, and you’ve already learned more than you knew before, just by speaking to them. you might even make friends this way as well!

surrounding yourself with a support system has been one of the most beneficial solutions for me. having people who remind you of different ways of viewing, the kind that bring you back to your perspective of healing, who lift you up and help you come back to yourself. they’re the most wonderful of friends, thank them, and help them back whenever you can. they’re the very best.

ways of distracting your mind from giving into those whirlpools of negative thought are also wonderful ideas. hobbies, taking walks, talking with friends, going on errands; anything that gets you out of your normal environment and encourages your mind to focus on other things. i love finding small little things that do make me happy; like walking and hearing birdsong, being happy that i am able to hear and can experience my life in that way. or finding a small freckle on my skin that bloomed in the sun, and how cool the body is as a piece of being. just find one piece, and more and more will show themselves to you.

overall, remember that this is not an easy thing, and i am sorry about that part of it. it is something you have to work on every day, and healing is not a linear process. there will be bad days, and i encourage you to prepare for them, instead of going on the hope that they do not happen. it’s the way of things, how there is always an equilibrium, the expanse of emotions we get to feel and put in perspective amongst everything else.

remembering that it will not be like this forever is also a small piece of knowledge / hope that you can keep with you. one day you will be able to look back and see just how far you’ve come, the progress you’ve made, the curve of your joy and contentment and comfort reaching beyond anything graphable. it is not an impossible thing, and it is already there within you, right now.

i wish you all the best, and i am sending you all my love. 💌

#birdsong.#q&a.#happiness will find you. light will find its way to you. nothing is impossible / and everything is waiting for you.#hold onto hope like it makes you / and it will.#you got this love. 💕

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 2 years

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Hi, idk if I should but tw for family problems and ed stuff I guess

I am kinda working on semi-recovery/harm reduction cuz I'm in an ed clinic now, but I don't know how to recover without any support?

My family fuels my ed, even though they are out of my life, due to my body dysmorphia. They get happy when I lose weight, and my mom is very disordered herself.

I don't have much/any contact with my family, but what they've said and did lives in my head forever. I really don't know how to move past all this and recover when I feel like recovering is what they want me to do.

That's pretty tough, anon. It can also be hard in general to find supportive people who don't participate in diet culture just because our society is so widely infected. These kinds of family problems are not uncommon, and as always, I welcome any and all input from followers who've got advice for how to successfully cope with toxic family! I wouldn't suggest going the way I did, where I'd purposefully binge-eat in front of my mother whenever she encouraged my restricting, but I suppose it did make a point. I'm definitely glad for the years I've been able to spend away from that environment, and there've been times I felt triggered going back.

I so, so, so relate to the things they said living in your head. I literally used to internally say "get out of my head!" whenever I caught one of my parents' voices saying something negative in there. I was pissed they were taking up free real estate in my brain, for sure. And I definitely think actively identifying their voices and combating them can be a good start. It can be annoyingly time-consuming, but healing is work. Another thing you can do is understand that the foundations that have been laid for you are always going to be a part of who you are, but you have the power to redirect them, over time and with a lot of healing work, into more positive avenues. If they're not willing to hear and actively work on the ways that they've hurt you, then remaining on low/no contact may be the best way to reclaim your power over your healing.

When you must be around them, I'd suggest you learn to set firm boundaries. Practice saying them beforehand. Maybe your clinic can help you write out and practice saying things depending on the situation. "Your commentary on my body is not helpful to me, and if you pursue it, I'll leave this conversation" or "please don't talk to me about your new diet" or "if this continues, I'll have to leave" could be some good examples. You can also think up specific affirmations that help to contradict their negative voices in your brain, and write them down and practice saying them. Then you can reiterate them to yourself whenever you hear that triggering voice in your head, or when you feel particularly triggered at a family function.

Perhaps try something like "The opinions of a sick society do not contribute to my health" or "If these people can't see me as I am, as opposed to who they want me to be, I will continue to see my own worth." But you may need to custom-write some affirmations, too. I've been lucky enough that my mom has gone to therapy and has stopped trying to get me to diet with her, but I definitely get a lot of crash-diet advice from extended family members and I definitely have to enact some of these sorts of protections in my own head!

#ed recovery #diet culture #toxic family #healing #sick society #ed cw

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repriseofthereprise · 4 months

Text

Women, Health and the Politics of Fat

by Amy Winter

In Rain and Thunder, Autumn Equinox 2003

Malestream culture these days is so saturated with moralistic concern for health that the very word makes me squirm. Because I’m fat, I’m perceived by almost everyone as inherently unhealthy. People make all kinds of assumptions about my lifestyle and behavior often before we even meet. My friends have told me others ask them how much I eat, or if I have some metabolic problem. Doctors think they know all about me the minute I walk through their office door. Naturally, being the object of so many unfounded assumptions makes me furious.

So, I’ve done a lot of reading about the relationship between fat and health and honestly, the logic just doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. If fat is a death sentence, then why are there so many fat old people wandering around? In fact, in this health-obsessed culture, why are there so many fat people period? If diets really worked, by now you’d think we’d all have found the right one, gone on it, and gotten thin, wouldn’t you? And what’s with all those thin people whose bones disintegrate from osteoporosis or who drop dead jogging? If you really think about it for a minute, you have to realize that Marilyn Wann hits the nail on the head with the sarcastic hammer in her book Fat!So?:

But being healthy is not the same thing as being thin. A long life is not determined by a number on a scale. If it were, it’d be so great to be thin, ’cause you’d never get sick, and you’d never die.

For those of you who like numbers, she goes on to say that the only study that found a correlation between body size and lifespan showed a 5% death risk for fat subjects and a 2% death risk for thin subjects. Gasp! You mean fat people were twice as likely to die as thin people? Reality check: Studies show male smokers have 22 times the risk of death of nonsmokers. (And don’t we all know people who won’t quit smoking because they’re afraid of gaining weight?) Repeated dieting, or the stress of living in a society that hates us, could easily account for the relatively miniscule difference in death risk between fat and thin subjects. So when you start looking at the facts, it’s hard not to suspect that the media scare tactics about fat are motivated by something other than scientific evidence.

In fact, once you get that skeptical head tilt right, it’s not hard to sweep a critical eye over the cultural obsession with health in general, with some interesting results. Let’s think for a minute about the many factors that negatively impact our health which are beyond our individual control. Those of us who live in or near cities routinely breathe smog-choked air. Our water supplies are often contaminated with raw sewage, microbes, pesticide runoff from agriculture, and waste dumping by industry. Our food is often steeped in chemical fertilizers, herbicides, and insecticides. The buildings in which we live and work are often inadequately ventilated, poorly lit, and constructed with materials which give off toxic fumes for many years. And then there is the work that many of us have no choice but to perform in order to survive: sedentary tasks which sap our physical and psychic energy and expose us to repetitive strain injury, sitting in front of computer screens which bombard us with electromagnetic radiation, or demanding physical work performed without adequate rest breaks, putting us at risk of chemical exposure, exhaustion, physical injury, and chronic illness.

In the face of these realities, doesn’t it seem curious that most media discussions of health focus on what we’re eating or not eating, or the exercise we should be doing? The only time I ever hear mainstream media acknowledge the ways big-business-as-usual is killing us is when they’re trying to sell us an escape hatch: bottled water, water filters, little air purifiers that hang on a cord around your neck, ergonomic keyboards, big rubber balls to stretch your back, low-VOC paint. Does this sound familiar to anyone? The words “individual solution” certainly reverberate in my head—-particularly when we consider that most of these products aren’t doing much for the health of women in other countries, spending their lives in factories for pennies a day making these little items. The fact is, the poisoning of the planet benefits those with a share in corporate profit, at least in the short term, to the detriment of the rest of us, who don’t have access to the resources to buy organic food, live in the country, build our own houses with natural materials, or choose our working environment. So no wonder the corporate-media conglomerate wants us to think our health status is completely a result of our personal choices. “These people,” intones the mellow tenor voice-over for a TV commercial showing white people using the internet, “are getting answers to the most important questions they’ll ever ask: questions about their health.” Do we agree that questions about our health are the most important questions we can ask these days? Our Bodies, Ourselves calls this healthism:

When we are overly focused on fitness or a ‘healthy lifestyle’ as goals to strive for (or as the measure of a ‘healthy’ society) we deflect attention from the more important goals of social justice and peace.

The medical establishment, of course, is right there encouraging our daily sprint, panicked and panting, on the mental hamster wheel marked “health.” So I’d like to shift my critical gaze for just a moment to focus on the institution of western medicine. Let’s remember that men founded it, with the help of the catholic church, by torturing and murdering millions of women practicing indigenous health care in europe during the women’s holocaust, the Burning Times. (Indigenous systems of health care around the world are still being destroyed today, being replaced by systems based on the consumptive western model.) These self-styled doctors consolidated their power by denying women access to medical education, while making medical education a prerequisite for the practice of health care. Since then, among other things, medical men have pathologized (in order to “treat” and control) the natural body experiences of womanhood—-menarche, menstruation, pregnancy/childbirth and menopause. They cut out our clitorises if we showed too much interest in sex and locked us in mental institutions when our husbands wanted control of our property. They prescribed us, our mothers or grandmothers the dalkon shield, thalidomide, diethylstilbestrol, silicone breast implants, and hormone replacement therapy by the millions. They sterilized thousands (millions?) of women without their consent. They perform “medical research” on people in prison or mental hospitals without their consent. For a hefty fee, they are happy to surgically remove a chunk of nose, breasts, or stomach so we can better fit the cultural beauty imperative of the moment. They capitalize on the confusion of women who don’t fit the “feminine” stereotype, handing out a convenient diagnosis, bilateral mastectomies and a lifetime prescription for testosterone. They routinely announce discoveries about “human” health based on studies with only male subjects. They believe the despair and rage of women who have been raped, sexually abused, battered or just overworked are appropriately and sufficiently addressed with prozac. They cannot conceive of a woman collecting information, interpreting it, and coming to a conclusion different from theirs; the only word in their vocabulary for a patient who does not follow a doctor’s advice is “noncompliant.” In short, this system and its adherents are not on the side of women.

Now, wait a minute before you start getting all guilty, defensive, and pissed off at me because you just had your pap smear at Planned Parenthood, or you’re a nurse and you think you’re doing some good, or you take psych meds and they make it possible for you to function in the world. Hear me out here. I’m not saying we should smoke and drink and eat candy bars all the time. Corporations profit from that too! I’m also not saying western medicine never did any good and we’re evil collaborators if we use it. For many of us, particularly those who have public health insurance, it’s the only game in town. And, as an “allied health professional,” I pay my bills with their money too.

So what exactly is my point? I think there are two levels upon which we need to take action. On the individual level, as we make the best choices we can about health-related behaviors and our use of the existing health care system, I would like women to recognize that health and illness are very complicated. We don’t understand all the factors that interact to produce either state, and a lot of the environmental and genetic factors that impact our health are beyond our individual control. Therefore, let’s try to remember as we go through our lives that you can’t tell by looking. You can’t determine what or how much I eat, my cholesterol level, or the state of my coronary arteries when you meet me. Likewise, you might meet a thin, able-bodied-appearing woman and assume she’s perfectly healthy, only to discover on further acquaintance that she has multiple sclerosis or lupus or sickle cell disease or breast cancer. And couldn’t we refuse to spend any more time feeling guilty about the “bad food” we ate or the exercise we didn’t do? Instead, let’s spend that energy encouraging each other to resist healthist media rhetoric.

The collective level is even more important, and is completely ignored in the current media focus on individual solutions to health problems. The call that sparked this article read, in part, “What kind of a future for women’s health are we working towards?” I don’t have the answer, but I do have some ideas. I don’t advocate directing resources to western health care systems, particularly when such systems disallow treatment they consider alternative. I think we ought to get more serious about organizing ourselves to combat the corporate environmental poisoning of our world, recognizing that the activities of industry negatively impact women first and profit us last. As just one example of what we could do, think of how much energy women spend organizing and participating in walks/runs/rides and other fundraisers for various illnesses. And the money raised goes to help women struggling with those diseases, right? Well, no. That money goes to fund medical, usually pharmaceutical, research. What if even some of that woman-energy was directed towards creating networks to help women who are struggling with the limitations illness places on their daily lives, right now? Or to work on cleaning up the environmental causes of disease? Or to support community gardens on vacant city lots to raise fresh, locally grown, chemical-free produce? Why do we participate in raising money to hand over to the male-dominated medical system, putting aside the needs of women right now for the possibility of some probably invasive, side-effect-riddled chemical-based future cure?

At the same time, we ought to be thinking about what health care would be like in the world we want to live in, and about how we can work together to realize our visions, for ourselves and each other. What if health care were a collaborative effort, rather than a hierarchical system where some people are “experts” and others passively accept their prescriptions? What would it be like to give and receive all kinds of health care in naturally lit buildings with windows that open, looking out onto gardens rather than asphalt? What if these buildings were also community centers where we could participate in discussion groups, artistic collaborations, gardening, group meals, exercise classes, craft work, continuing education, internet research, and community organizing? What if these centers were collectively organized to include more women in decisions about the center’s activities? What if the centers were funded in a variety of creative ways, including sliding scale self-pay, private health insurance, grant funding, subscriptions, memberships, donations and ways we haven’t thought of yet? This is the kind of center I’d like to go to, where people would ask my opinion rather than making assumptions, where I’d get information from a variety of sources, have a range of options to choose from, and where I could say “I’ll think about it,” without dire warnings of the likely outcome of my “noncompliance.” This is just my vision; what’s yours? Creating change will undoubtedly take a lot of work on the part of feminists, but let’s get started together by resisting the media’s attempts to blame us for our health problems and organizing to create a society that doesn’t make women sick.

Brief Bibliography

Boston Women’s Health Collective. Our Bodies, Ourselves For the New Century. Simon and Schuster, Inc., 1998.

Dykewomon, Elana. “the real fat womon poems” in Nothing Will Be As Sweet as the Taste. Onlywomen Press, 1995.

Ehrenreich, Barbara, and Deirdre English. For Her Own Good: 150 Years of the Experts’ Advice to Women. Doubleday, 1978.

Fraser, Laura. Losing It: False Hopes and Fat Profits in the Diet Industry. Plume, 1998.

Scharff, Sue. “The Defective and Doomed Female Body.” Said It: Feminist News Culture, and Politics, January 2001.

Schoenfelder, Lisa, and Barb Weiser, eds. Shadow On a Tightrope: Writings by Women on Fat Liberation. Aunt Lute Press, 1983.

Wann, Marilyn. Fat!So? Because You Don’t Have to Apologize For Your Size. Ten Speed Press, 1998.

#medicine and therapy

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lifeonhardmode · 7 months

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day 21

I got out of bed late, catching up on sleep, but I worked hard all day and did 2 workouts. 100% today. This has not been my strongest week but I'm back on today, and I'm taking some time off this week so I'll have more time to focus. I didn't buy a single thing other than food this week :) My total saved so far is baaarely into the triple digits but at least it's not negative after paying rent last week. If I can save like this week again next week, my personal 4-week calendar will end with 20% saved for trip. Nice. (Except I won't save as much this week because I'm planning to go out for dinner with a friend on Wednesday and probably get a tattoo on Friday. Oops, I suck I break the rules)

I did not talk to Bae. We really need to buy tickets. I wish he were willing to talk to me at a time before he's falling asleep.

Since I'm in my goal weight range now, I rewarded myself by buying a loaf of bread. When I'm trying to lose weight, I mostly only eat beans, salad, veg, and fruit. Because those things are a) super healthy and b) not calorie dense so you don't feel hungry. But grains are much cheaper than lettuce and other veg and fruit. Also tasty. So I get bread this week and I'll continue to stick to 1200 cals. If I lose more, I'll probably reward myself by buying some nuts, wow imagine that. Haven't had any nuts since ... april? When I binged a whole thing of cashews and felt horrible for several days. Yeah. That's why I don't keep grains and nuts around. We shall see how I do.

On my very first life on hard mode challenge, I was making up for days I missed my calorie goal by eating less the next day. This ended with some health consequences and I've decided that it's better to stick to no less than 1200. Though I do 1000 sometimes. So this time, no "making up" for days I messed up on the diet.

For my goal of practicing Spanish, I have a minimum requirement but no maximum, so it doesn't make sense to "make up" days I skipped that either.

For my saving money goal, really the important number is how much did I save/how little did I spend on nonessentials, not so much how many days did I spend money or not.

My exercise goal is to average 30m/day for 21 days, average 20m/day for 5 days. If I do a long yoga one day, I do a shorter run the next day, and vice versa. Since it's a specific goal, it's easy to make up previous days, which I have been doing on the weekends.

Finally, my goal of doing side job is similar to practicing Spanish: there is a minimum but no maximum so it doesn't make sense to make up days.

In conclusion, I can certainly focus and do more time on things like practicing Spanish and side job work, but the only one of these 5 categories where it makes sense to go back and give myself a point retroactively is exercise. Of course I need to be putting in a lot of time at side job, but... I'm kinda thinking I should allow myself to go back and make up as many workouts as I want? So far I'm at 21 days, 17 workouts (B-). Not bad, but wouldn't it be nice to head out for my trip at 100%? Thinking about it. Anyway, onto my scores.

WEEK 3 SCORES:

Side job: 4/7

Workout: 4/7

Saving money: 7/7 (Best week yet.)

Practicing Spanish: 6/7

Diet: 5/7

Overall grade: 26/35, 74%, C

This week, the income I made went to:

Tax: 24%

401k: 5%

Food: 12%

Necessary purchases: 1%

Elective purchases: 0%

Total spent: 13%

SAVED: 58%

TOTAL SO FAR:

Grade: 85%, B

SAVED: 5%

My most painful bill this week: none unless you count credit cards, which I've decided not to.

The dumbest thing I did this week: $25 for protein powder.

NEXT WEEK:

Since I'm taking 2 days off, I'd like to put in an extra 20-30 minutes at work the other 3 days. I'm basically spending the whole week at home, which is probably good for productivity but not so good for the loneliness/stir crazy thing. I am going to try to stick to my strict bedtime/waketime/worktime/workout time schedule and see how it goes. If I can stick to it, I'll probably be better rested and score higher next week, but my home chores like dishes and cooking will probably suffer.

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idigitizellp21 · 9 months

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Building A Healthy Body Image

Body image is the combination of how someone perceives their body and their thoughts about it. Positive body image is linked to satisfaction with one’s appearance, whereas negative body image is linked to dissatisfaction.

What Leads To A Negative Body Image In People?

Negative body image involves feeling bad about yourself or beating yourself up over your appearance. A negative body image can mean being extremely harsh and judgmental of yourself to such an extent that you begin to accept a voice within, which in turn affects the way you view your value and worth as a person.

Having a poor body image can cause dieting, which can result in disordered eating and a variety of harmful health effects. Of course, not all dieting results in eating disorders, but a lot of research has indicated that it can.

Particularly if body image concerns have resulted in disordered eating, body image difficulties can potentially cause mental health issues. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, there is a connection between eating disorders, anxiety, and sadness. Your general quality of life may be affected if you have a negative body image. According to a 2016 study by Nayir et al., people’s quality of life was strongly correlated with their perception of their bodies.

Social media can have a significant impact on a person’s self-perception and body image.

Social media influences how many people view beauty and attractiveness. If their bodies don’t mirror what they see online, people may negatively evaluate themselves as a result of social media.

Having said that, it is important to build a positive body image for the betterment of our physical and emotional health. You can start building a positive body image by:

1. Accepting the way you look:

This is hard, but it’s helpful to try and separate our bodies from our worth.

Recognize that no one is perfect. Even those with seemingly ideal bodies have “flaws”. So, instead of seeing your body as you would like it to be, accept it as it is. If you need to, unfollowing social media accounts that provoke your emotions and starting to follow pages that promote body acceptance.

Avoid body-shaming language. Whenever you find yourself body-shaming yourself, stop and think, “Would I act in this manner toward my best friend?” Be kind to yourself like you would a good friend.

2. Following activities to build a positive sense of body: For some people, body positivity won’t come naturally, and that’s okay! You can try one of the following activities to build it:

List five positive traits about your personality first, then five positive traits about your physical appearance.

Notice how your body does so much without looking a certain way. Appreciating the functionality our bodies provide can be so helpful.

3. Taking care of your body: Taking good care of your body can make you feel better about it. Start caring for yourself with these tips:

Eat nutritious foods. Find out which foods are healthy for you and how much is enough. When you eat, savor every bite. Enjoy and truly taste your food.

Get a good night’s sleep. Get to bed on time and learn how much sleep you need for your age. To get a good night’s sleep, turn off screens several hours before bed.

Daily exercise is beneficial. In order to be strong, fit, and healthy, your body must move. Take part in a sport to stay active. You can also dance, walk, exercise, practice yoga, or run. Pick fun activities that you enjoy doing.

Maintain body weight that works best for you! Avoid comparing your weight to that of others. You can learn your ideal weight from your doctor. Don’t attempt to alter your diet on your own if you are not at a healthy weight. Always consult a parent or a physician first. Your doctor can make recommendations on how to get to and maintain your ideal weight.

Self-esteem or body image issues might occasionally be too much for one person to handle. Your self-esteem may be impacted by health problems, sadness, or trauma. Additionally, eating disorders might contribute to a falsely negative body image.

Inform your parents, your doctor, or your therapist of your struggles. Seek help, there is nothing wrong with needing help. With support and consideration, body image and self-esteem can improve.

– Urveez Kakalia and Sakshi Merai.

#healthy body image #healthy body #positive body image #negative body image #self help #self improvement #satisfaction

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cutlikediamonds · 11 months

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i might be a lot more active here for the summer lol

so i just finished my first year away at school which honestly it had high highs but also low lows so i dont mind coming back home but at the same time, the highs i got were mostly even possible because i wasnt home. my family means well and i love them and i dont want us to ever become estranged or anything but there was just a lot of unresolved trauma and grief among all of us and getting to escape that did wonders for my mental health and even my relationship with them. but i have no where else to be for the summer but home, where i dont have my bedroom anymore and im sleeping on the couch, and where i feel like im surrounded by people who are forever going to cling to a version of me theyve had since i was a kid because they refuse to realize i grew up or that they ever hurt me, intentional or not.

(and it wasnt intentional ever, i know that, which makes everything more complicated because i know im valid in my anger about it but also know that they genuinely didnt mean it. its complicated. families are complicated.)

anyways, that itself is kinda fine on its own. its stressful and it requires all my efforts of self advocacy and regulating my emotions but i was doing okay taking on the challenge mostly.

but ive been here a couple weeks now and something has become incredibly clear that i wasnt really ready for, this house is still so goddamn disordered when it comes to weight and eating and its only gotten way fucking worse.

part of me getting out of here and healing was i got to be completely in control of my own food and restart that incredibly unhealthy relationship from scratch and heal a bit for once. maybe even exercise for reasons that werent self-punishment. i got to finally figure out what foods i even liked because i wasnt just only considering calories and guilt anymore. now im home and i guess i forgot that they all stayed here and didnt get the same experience, theyve only gotten worse. and theyre supportive of me working on my mental health, even if they dont always understand, but ive never told them about my own eating disorder so of course they arent thinking anything of it, but im already relapsing.

i went from not even having access to a scale to having two in the house. they instantly went back to calling me the skinny one. they love boasting about the number on the scale going down and how small their appetite is now and how they arent even hungry - they do not comment on the throwing up and the dizziness theyre getting from the injections.

yeah, injections. not that im expecting an audience but for anyone reading, if youve ever heard of those injections that are originally for diabetics that are now being marketed for weight loss (as if it isnt hard enough for diabetics to get the treatment they need in this fucking country), thats what my brother and sister are on thats making them shed all this weight. my mom isnt on it but shes her usual self, being over supportive of toxic behaviors and trying to hide ‘junk’ food and shit from them, passing it all off as her being helpful.

the thing is its again complicated too. i dont wanna be negative when they try to celebrate their weight loss, i know its something that has genuinely troubled them for years and i can tell this means a lot to them, but fucking come on. i dont need to be a psychologist to see how wrong this all is. i know its a lot harder to do the real work of unpacking your relationship with your body and diet and find a healthy balance but if this is the easy way out they take instead?

theyre obsessive. i just saw my brother weigh himself after eating. my sister is body checking every time she passes the mirror. my mom keeps saying the calories in everything when either of them are looking for something to eat. someone told them ‘i heard most people gain back most of the weight after something like this’ (which is true) and its like they just refused to hear it - ‘im not gonna let that happen.’ hey, as someone who had the exact same fucking mindset when i lost a crazy amount of weight and was scared of one day gaining it back, yeah you fucking will.

and thats what sucks. is i can see how shitty this all is but im too weak to help because its all just triggering me and now i dont wanna stop so i cant make them stop cuz then id have to too. i dont want to admit my own problems yet, then they try to stop me. call me a hypocrite, i am one, i dont know what you want from me. i think ive made it pretty clear we arent very mentally well here.

so thats why im gonna post here more. i dont wanna tell anyone about it cuz i dont wanna admit how much it triggers me, and i also am sick of trauma dumping and venting to friends, so im just gonna grin and bear it and scream about it here.

im down five pounds. its nothing compared to the tens of pounds theyve lost already, but they are kinda cheating arent they so im not even gonna bother comparing. my hw was 170, it was my sw for the worst stint of my restriction. i got all the way to 129, then started antidepressants among other changes and was stuck in the 130s and scared of gaining more for a while, then actually got a little bit happy and gained up to the 150s where ive stayed ever since. i never got to loving my body, i honestly still had a super long way to go with recovering. but it was something. im 151 this morning, i really really really want to keep going. if i can end the summer and start the next semester at 140...

so yeah. ill see you guys later. this made me feel better.

i hope everyone else is having a safe summer.

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