#yes i was listening to rush and thought to myself hey this lyric reminds me of my blorbos | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mysingularitybts · 3 years

Text

I miss you || K. NJ

Pairing: Idol! Namjoon x reader

Genre: romance, slight angst, smut

Word Count: ~5k

Warnings: handjob, fingering, oral (female and male receiving), unprotected sex (please wear protection), multiple orgasms

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Wake up. Have a quick breakfast. Get dressed. Go to my classes. Have lunch. More classes. Have dinner. Study. Have a shower. Go to bed. Repeat.

It seems like it's the only thing I've done in the past few months. My life has become an endless cycle and I am so tired of it. I wish I could stop, but my education depends on it. I can't just stop or, everything I have worked for will be for nothing.

At least when my boyfriend Namjoon was here he'd help me get out of my routine and helped me distract myself, but now that he's on tour I'm left alone with no one to stop me.

For the past couple of months my mental state has been deteriorating. I feel it every time those negative thoughts come into my mind and make me doubt myself. I don't bring it up to him for a few reasons. One, the thoughts leave after a few hours. Two, I don't want to worry him. He already feels guilty that he leaves me for such long periods of time I don't want to give him any more reasons to feel that way. He shouldn't even feel guilty, it's just my mind being a bitch.

I'm usually not a sad person, but everyone has those days where everything seems to go wrong. It's those days that thoughts of self doubt and wondering if I am good enough attack. I cry a little or a lot, go to bed and when I wake up I'm all good.

My pockets of sunshine come when Namjoon calls me. I could spend hours just listening to him talk about all the things he's been doing, about the fans he has encountered, how the show was, new equipment he got, etc.

He would smile, eyes crinkling, his dimple would show as he'd talk animatedly. I'd let him get everything off his chest and smile along with him. But then, he'd ask how my day was and it's always the same answer, nothing exciting happens in my life. On a normal day the most exciting thing could be that I got takeout. He would still listen and smile and tell me how proud he was that I was following my dream and doing good in school.

I know his life isn't perfect either. As the leader, he tends to doubt himself too, and be under a lot of stress. I'd be there to help him through it no questions asked. I'd give him as much advice as possible, listen to him, and reassure him.

So, why was it that I found it so hard to open myself up to him when I was sad? I've thought about this a lot and I guess it's all just me not wanting to be a burden and making people pity me. Which is stupid, yet that's just who I am.

The thing is, this past week has been hell for me. I did not do well on my exam, I am sick, I am missing Namjoon terribly, and I got my period. All of these factors combined have me in a state of mystery and instead of those self-doubting thoughts being for a few hours they've lasted a few days. I've been avoiding talking to Namjoon on the phone 'cause as soon as he hears me he'll know something is wrong. In fact, I think he is already suspecting because of how much I've been avoiding him.

I was cooking some chicken soup for my cold when my laptop began ringing from its place on the counter. Checking who it was I found it was my wonderful boyfriend. Hesitantly, I answered since there was no way I could keep avoiding him.

I turned off the stove and sat on the bar stool of the counter.

"Hey Nam," I greeted him, my stuffy nose, making my voice weird.

"Hi baby, how do you feel today?" he sweetly asked.

"Um, better, I think," I told him, tilting my head.

"You think?" he let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, I still can't taste anything but I have a bit more energy," I explained recalling how I felt yesterday.

"That's good to hear, did you take medicine?" he questioned, narrowing his eyes, knowing my distaste for any type of medicine.

"Yes, sir," I nodded, showing him the medicine on the counter, "How about you, how have you been?"

"I've been good, you know the usual with rehearsal and the concerts," I knew he was holding back he always had more to say. He was the type of person that didn't exactly talk a lot, but when he told you something he'd tell you all the little details.

"Oh, okay, cool."

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something," he said, not looking at the camera.

"What is it?" I asked, leaning my head against my palm.

"I just feel like you have been avoiding me these past few days," he spoke glancing up at me to gauge my reaction.

"I'm sorry, I just felt really sick and didn't want to worry you," I explained, not looking at the screen.

It was a half truth, there was more to it, but I didn't want him to feel bad about the whole truth.

"That's the thing I don't mind being worried and it worries me even more when you avoid me like that," he insisted, talking directly to the camera. I feel like he was looking directly at me, his gaze traveling hundreds of miles just to focus on me.

"I'm sorry Nam I didn't mean to," I muttered, looking down at the keyboard of the laptop. In the end no matter how much I tried to hide it he still got worried.

"I know baby, but talk to me okay? I'm here," he sweetly reassured me.

Hearing him say those words so tenderly made me break down, I couldn't hold back the tears stinging my eyes, so, I let them fall.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked, concerned watching me crumble before his eyes.

"Honestly, not much, I just-" I couldn't finish my sentence as a sob racked through me.

"It's okay, let it out," he soothingly spoke.

"That's the thing Nam I miss you so much and I wish you were here to hug me and cuddle me," I cried out, wiping my tears with the sleeves of the hoodie I was wearing.

"This week was the worst I failed that biology test, I got sick, I got my period and all I could think about was how I wished you were here," I sniffled trying to control my breathing.

"Baby I-" he began, but I interrupted him.

"I don't want you to feel bad 'cause you are doing what you love and I'm usually okay and I know what I was getting into when we started dating, but all of the things that happened during the week triggered me."

"What do you mean, you're usually okay?" Namjoon questioned, looking upset.

"Baby?" He asked again at my lack of response.

I hadn't meant to say that.

"Um- you know there are days where I just feel sad and that's okay," I shrugged.

"Sad why?" I know he just wanted to understand what I'm trying to say, he always likes to get the whole spectrum of things.

"I start doubting if I'm good enough. I see what my friends have done and feel like I nearly haven't done anything compared to them," It was hard to say this out loud, yet it was necessary. It was time I spoke to him about it.

"Whenever you start feeling like that don't hesitate to call me, okay?" He lightly chided me.

"Okay..."

"Good 'cause I'll always be here to tell you that you are amazing, everyone does their own things at their own pace and we are all making our way towards different paths, it's okay if you haven't done enough, you can always work on it, there is no rush," he spoke in that wise tone of his.

"You're right," I nodded, giving him a tight lipped smile.

"About the biology test, it's okay, it's just a bump in the road. I know you will keep working hard for the next one, am I right?" He gave me a knowing look.

I laughed, "You're right," he knew me too well. This bad grade would motivate me to do better on the next one, it wasn't the first time that has happened and I always ended up with a good final grade.

"Exactly, and I'm sorry I haven't been there I hadn't realized so much time had passed," he apologized again for the millionth time.

"I don't blame you. I know touring is a lot of work, especially since you've also been doing a lot of promotional work," I reassured him.

"Still, I should have taken some time off, do you forgive me?" he pouted at the camera.

"I forgive you Nam," I giggled.

"Ahh, great I wouldn't have known what to do if you didn't," he dramatically said.

"You'd probably die," I said, rolling my eyes, sniffling.

"That's probably true," he smiled, his dimple showing.

It felt good to finally talk to Namjoon. I definitely missed talking to him during this week from hell. And it felt good to get all of this off my chest too. I felt lighter in a sense. I guess I understood now the importance of talking about it.

Two weeks later I had just finished yet another test and headed home, I took a shower and got comfortable for a weekend of doing nothing, my brain would be grateful for it. I was focused watching a movie when my phone rang.

"Hey Nam," I exclaimed answering the phone.

"Baby! How was your test?" he asked in a cheerful tone.

"I think it was good and I didn't have too many doubts," I cheered.

"That's great, you'll see all that studying will pay off," he reassured.

"Yeah, hopefully," I sighed.

"Can you do me a favor?" he suddenly asked.

"Sure, what is it?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows. It wasn't often he asked for favors. I didn't mind at all, it was just a little strange.

"Do you think you can go to the dorms and send me pictures of a notebook I left behind, please?" he begged me.

"A notebook?" That was an odd request, although I didn't put it past him to leave something behind.

"Yeah, it has some lyrics and I can't seem to recall them," he explained nervously.

"Oh sure, I'm not doing anything now so I'll go by in a few minutes," I told him.

"Thank you so much baby I gotta go, the boys are calling me," he said in a rush.

"No problem, I love you," I sweetly reminded him.

"I love you more," he breathed out.

This boy is always leaving things behind. He started with a passport and then he began forgetting everything. Like the air pods, I swear every now and then I'd find one in the most random of places.

Getting from my comfortable position on the sofa I put on some white sneakers since I was decent enough with my leggings and hoodie, well, more like Namjoon's but close enough. I drove down to the dorms and made my way inside. I took off my shoes by the door and walked into the living area. It was clean and tidy since somebody always comes to clean and dust the place.

I found it odd that the light was on but didn't think too much about it. Maybe the last person in had left it on, but then I heard a noise down the hallway. I grabbed a nearby blunt object, which just so happened to be an award trophy, and creeped my way further into the hallway.

My mind went into overdrive thinking of the worst. There was a thief in the apartment and I was unlucky enough to be here when it happened. I made sure my steps were silent as I walked. I located the sound to be coming from Namjoon's room. Wow, this thief works fast if he already went through the other three rooms before Nams.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening the door. Gathering some courage I slammed the door open and held the trophy in front of me. I heard a man scream which made me scream in return, but nothing else happened. Opening one of my eyes, I saw Namjoon looking at me holding his laugh.

"Wh-What?" I stuttered confused.

"Hi baby," he waved, laughing at me.

"Namjoon?" Is he really here?

"Yeah, who else were you expecting?" he asked, tilting his head, the smile never leaving his lips.

"But- but- you're on tour," I stupidly said, my heart still pounding in my chest.

"I took a few days to come see you," he told me, walking closer to me.

"You idiot you scared the crap out of me," I smacked his chest, which is harder than I remembered. I saw him drop his smile at my aggressive response. What did he expect? He scared me to death. I was ready to die or commit a murder.

"I missed you so much," I promptly exclaimed, and pulled him down by his shirt to smash my lips against his. I captured my lips against his desperate to feel the softness and the taste of him. He eagerly kissed back, pulling me closer by my hips.

"I miss you too," he whispered against my lips once we pulled back just enough to catch our breath.

"Next time just knock on my door or tell me you're here," I softly said, "I almost had a heart attack."

"Still, as dramatic as ever," he laughed, placing his forehead against mine.

"You surprised me, that's all," I tried defending myself.

"Are you going to let me go?" he asked once he noticed I hadn't released my grip on his shirt.

"Not yet, I want to make sure you're really here," I told him, closing my eyes.

"Okay, I ordered some food if you're hungry. It's in the kitchen," He really knew the way to my heart.

"One more minute." It felt nice to be able to breathe him in again and feel his warmth close to me. His hoodies were losing that feeling the more I washed them.

After a nice dinner we sat on the sofa facing each other and talking about what happened last week.

"I was worried about you, you know?" He revealed rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry, I promise I'll never do it again," I promised him, holding out my pinky finger.

"You better," he threatened linking his finger with mine.

He then proceeded to get closer to me, thinking he was going to give me a kiss. I leaned forward and closed my eyes, but he started tickling me aggressively.

"Stop, stop," I yelled, laughing and pushing him away with my feet, but last minute he grabbed them pulled me forward with him making me straddle him.

I giggled, trying to catch my breath as he stared at me with a fond look. We placed out foreheads against each other taking the moment in, Namjoon giving me an Eskimo kiss, which made me giggle like a school girl. It was a moment we desperately needed after many months of being apart.

"Till when are you staying?" I whispered, not really wanting to know the answer.

"Until Sunday night," he responded with a gulp.

"We need to make the most of it then," I murmured, hoping he thought the same.

"I couldn't agree more," Namjoon lowly growled in my ear.

I let out a squeal as Namjoon suddenly stood up making me tighten my grip on his waist. He led us to his room where he then sat down on the edge of the bed. I wrapped my arms around him as he kissed down my neck, stumbling upon the edge of the hoodie he took it off in a swift motion leaving me in my bra. His hands were making contact with my warm skin as he rubbed them up and down my back giving me goosebumps.

I pulled him in again for another kiss, my tongue swiping his lips and slipping past them. He let me have control for a few seconds before shifting and grazing his teeth on my bottom lip, giving it a quick nip before further deepening the kiss.

My hands roamed his covered chest, noticing the difference caused by his new exercise routine. I managed to slip them under his shirt now feeling the softness and the temperature rising.

His hands never stopped touching me. They caressed my body, squeezing my thighs, my ass, my hips. He dragged his nails over my back till they found the clasp of my bra undoing it with ease never missing a beat.

The only thing that could be heard in the room where my needy moans as Namjoon's big hands found their way to my chest and started playing with it. Every squeeze, pinch, and graze drawing out sinful sounds from my mouth. So far his mouth had been muffling my sounds, but soon enough he started dragging them down and licking a trail from my neck, clavicle, down to my perked up buds, drawing them to his mouth. I just held on for dear life, my hands grasping a handful of hair pulling him in even more.

Noticing the grinding of my hips one of his hands made their way down my stomach and stopped at the hem of my leggings playing with it a bit before going under. He traced my slit through the underwear teasing me as I bucked my hips begging for more. Namjoon let out a chuckle at my eagerness. Deciding to give him something to laugh about I placed my hand on his growing bulge cutting his laughter short.

"Why'd you stop laughing?" I mocked him, palming him through his pants.

"Don't be a tease baby," he growled in my ear. His voice alone turning me on even more.

He flipped us over my back hitting the bed, knocking the wind out of me. Namjoon kneeled on the floor, taking off my leggings and underwear at the same time, throwing them somewhere in the room. He grabbed my thighs and pulled me to the edge of the bed where he started kissing the inside of my thighs getting closer and closer to the apex. My breath and heart beat got more erratic as he got closer.

"Namjoon please," I cried at his teasing.

"Why should I, after your teasing?" he asked, his stare challenging.

"Because I lo- love you and missed you- ah- so much," I stuttered out feeling him lightly blow where I needed him most.

"Hm, alright," he purred.

He dove right in his tongue dragging up my soaked folds, his fingers digging into my thighs holding them open. Namjoon stared at me through his lashes not wanting to miss my facial expressions. I looked at him as he did so, hands tightly gripping the bed sheets. I bit my lip, trying to hold back my moans.

Namjoon abruptly stopped, "No-uh baby, I want to hear you, got that?"

"Yes, Namjoon, please," I pleaded like a mantra not wanting him to stop touching me.

This time around, he inserted a finger into my opening as his tongue played with my clit. I let out a squeal at the feeling, very sensitive at the teasing and anticipation.

It was as if my whines urged him more, he went faster lapping up my juices and pumping his finger deep and curling it. I had to stop myself from closing my thighs, not wanting to push Namjoon away. Either way it's not like he'd let me he was drinking me in as if he'd never see water again.

I felt a knot forming in my stomach. Noticing my clenching Namjoon added another finger, speeding up and hitting that special spot. Just before I reached my climax he nipped my bud with his teeth pushing me off the edge.

At the overwhelming surge of pleasure my back arched more than I thought possible, toes curling, eyes closed shut, my mouth open in ecstasy releasing incoherent words. Namjoon eased me down, slowing his movements. Once he felt me relax, he slowly took his fingers out placing them on his plump lips and tasting my release.

I stared at him with hooded eyes catching my breath. That sight alone caused the heat to course through my body again.

With shaky arms I sat up Namjoon standing up in the process. He undressed himself calmly, my eyes focusing on the expanse of his chest and arms as they contracted. He gave a chuckle noticing my staring.

"Enjoying the view?" he questioned as he proceeded to take off his pants.

"Very much so," I shamelessly admitted.

Namjoon leaned against the headboard of the bed, pulling me to him letting me set the pace for now. I straddled his thighs pumping his shaft slowly. He was already hard from the show I had put up his tip leaking pre cum. He had his head leaned back, his chest heaving, but he stopped my hand giving me a warning look.

Feeling ready I placed his tip on my entrance, lowering into him slowly. Once he was completely in I stilled my movements. Namjoon's hands were on my thighs tightening his hold. Deciding to tease him some more I clenched my walls around him a few times, causing him to release a low moan.

He slapped my thigh causing me to jump, "ah!" I whined

"That's it baby move," he growled, "Oh, how I missed you."

I started moving my hips in figure eights loving the feeling of him inside of me. Wanting to be in control Namjoon grabbed my hips stilling my movements and started thrusting into me slowly. I loved the way he was looking at me with lust pooling in his eyes. He was always the gentleman and a sweet, cute guy, but there were moments like this one or when he was on stage where he reminded me how sexy and dominant he could be.

He picked up his pace going harder. I felt him fill me up deliciously, he was hitting the perfect spot causing me to lean forward and grab onto him moaning into his ear. I left some kisses on the side of his neck and ear as I bounced. My soft moans urging him on.

The way he was going my clit was also being stimulated, the sound of his low grunts and moans adding even more to my pleasure. I was sure I wouldn't last much longer.

I would surely have some marks of his hands tomorrow by the way he was gripping me, but I didn't mind and it would be the first time. Since I was still very sensitive it didn't take long for me to cum a second time. Namjoon stilling his movements as I clenched around him.

"Oh baby," he rasped in my ear as my thighs trembled.

He lightly pushed me back from his shoulder and kissed me as I gathered my strength again. I acknowledged he hadn't had his release yet, so, I made him lie down on the bed as I kissed down his neck, I made sure to pay special attention to his chest, it was my new addiction, leaving a few hickeys so he would remember me by. Reaching my destination I noticed his cock was glistening with my release. I grabbed it, pumping it a few times before licking its length. Namjoon tensed his jaw at the action. I did that a few times before placing his head on my mouth. I lightly sucked on it gauging Nam's reactions.

"More baby," he urged me on.

"Your wish is my command," I purred deciding not to tease me since he had been very good to me.

I began working my way down his length, pumping what wasn't in my mouth. After a few tries I had him completely in my mouth and I started bobbing my head. Soon enough I felt Namjoon's hands on my hair setting the pace and thrusting his hips every now and then. He loved to do that and I loved every second of it. It's better than having to guess what he likes.

He didn't take his eyes from my lips taking him in. His eyes narrowed, and his lips swollen from biting on them. He had a blush making its way from his neck onto his face.

One particular moment I gagged my eyes watering, which caused me to constrict my throat. The sight setting him off as he released a particularly loud moan. Not long after he announced he was close.

"Babe, I'm so close, where-uh?" He stuttered out.

"Wherever you like Nam," I told him, releasing him from my mouth.

"Mouth."

Quickly I went back down sucking him and paying attention to the tip as I swiped it with my tongue. Namjoon's hold on my hair loosened as he finished in my mouth and his muscles went slack. I stared at him in the eyes as I swallowed the warm liquid and he couldn't help but to let out a groan at the sight.

I crawled back up to him and he grabbed my face, giving me a sweet slow kiss.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," I responded back meaning every word.

We laid on top of the covers the AC cooling our hot skin. My head resting on his shoulder as he had an arm around me drawing figures on my side. My arm around his stomach and a leg over his.

"I missed you," he softly spoke.

"I know," I laughed recalling his words from earlier.

"Yah, I'm serious," he whined, but a smile on his face nonetheless.

"I missed you too, Nam," I admitted even though it was not a secret.

"What are you doing after the semester ends?" He questioned, his face nestling into my hair.

"I don't know, visit you?" I said unsure.

The semester ended in about a month and a half and he would still be on tour. I needed to make time count, so what better than to visit him during my vacation.

"Glad we're on the same page," Namjoon told me.

"Of course," I scoffed at his response. He was always the one telling me to visit him.

"I wouldn't have it any other way I can't be apart for this long again," He confessed, hugging my side with the arm wrapped around me.

"Agreed," I told him, giving his chest a peck.

"Nam again?!" I exclaimed, noticing he got excited again.

"I'm sorry baby, but you are irresistible," he laughed pining me under him.

I couldn't help but to laugh along with him as we got ready for round two.

A/N:

This was ot supposed to be smut! okay?! It just evolved and it happened.

Honestly! It was supposed to be sad and about the struggle, but Namjoon sneaked in and I couldn't resist his sexiness.

I have more one-shots in the making including a Florist!Jimin and Emperor/King! Yoongi. 😉

-Nikki Marie 💜

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yespleasetommyshelby · 3 years

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Should've said no - Adam Ruzek imagine

Based on the song 'should've said no' by Taylor swift

Warnings: some strong language? No happy ending maybe?

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It's strange to think the songs we used to sing, the smiles, the flowers, everything, is gone... Yesterday I found out about you, even now just looking at you, feels wrong...

I frowned from my place at the kitchen table, looking over the pictures that littered the walls, not only in here but all over the apartment, the whiskey that sat on the side that I bought because he's never liked the wine I drink, the special coffee and the mugs that all reminded me of him which any other day would have me fighting the smile from my face, but today, today they made me feel sick.

'I'm sorry, this isn't the first time and I thought you should know.." accompanied by a picture of Adam and his ex Wendy, lips stuck together in time, an image that will be forever seared into my brain.

Memories of late night walks, our dates, the flowers he would bring me at work, the times where we'd ride in his car and sing lyrics at the top of our lungs with no care about just how bad we sounded, all gone. In the blink of an eye Adam had thrown our whole relationship out of the window for an 18 wheeler to demolish in seconds.

The door opening and closing forced my eyes open, the now cold cup of coffee mocking me as it sits there, the contents long forgotten about. Lifting my eyes to meet the figure stood in the kitchen door way I frowned and looked down.

How is that only yesterday I couldn't stop staring at the man I love, loved, and now just looking at him feels all kinds of wrong?

You say that you'd take it all back, given the one chance, it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

"Hey babe." He spoke first, my eyes falling onto his lips as the pet name came, the simple word accompanied by the feeling of being punched in the stomach.

"Where was you Adam?" I asked calmly, wanting to see which excuse he'd use this time.

"The case ran over."

"I was with Jay and Kev."

"Helping my dad out."

"The case took a turn for the worst, the whole team had to stay late, I would've text but I didn't want to wake you." He spoke, calm and collected, small smile on his face, jerk.

"The whole team huh." I let out a small humourless laugh, of course he's got his excuses ready. "That's strange." I sighed faking slight confusion as I picked up my phone, pulling up the text that Kim had sent the night before.

"Yeah, been a long night." He shrugged heading over to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water.

"Oh I bet." I chuckled, shaking my head slightly as I slid the phone over the dining table for him to see. "I bet Wendy's exhausted." I growled, my anger washing over the faux-calm I was trying to maintain, finding slight amusement in the way his eyes widened and his face paled.

"Y/n.." he trailed off, putting my phone down on the table before running his hands over his face and through his hair, looking at me with nothing but guilt. "Listen, it was a mistake okay? A one time, stupid, immature mistake. She was just there and I'd had a couple drinks and I don't know, I don't know what to say other than it was just a moment of weakness." He rushed out, moving so he was stood next to me, taking my hands in his before I pulled them away and stood up from the chair, the force causing it to fall backwards onto the tiled ground with a bang.

You should've said 'no', you should've gone home, you should've thought twice 'fore you let it all go, you should've known that word, 'bout what you did with her would get back to me...

And I should've been there in the back of your mind, I shouldn't be asking myself why, you shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet, you should've said 'no', baby and you might still have me.

"A moment of weakness? Weakness? That's what you're excuse is? She fluttered her eyelashes and that was it, you was weak enough to throw everything we've ever had under a bus just for a little fun with an ex?" I raised my voice, not quite shouting yet as I know that the neighbours across the hall have young children.

"Yeah, I swear that's all there was to it." He started talking again, his words falling on deaf ears as the tears starting to build up along with the anger that has festered inside for the last 12 hours was making me see nothing but red.

"You should've said no Adam! You should've thought about me! About coming home to me! Was I even on your mind at all? Did you think of me once while you were out fucking her behind my back?!" I yelled, the thought of the children just moments ago gone as he stood looking at me with a small frown.

"What do you want me to say?" He sighed, pushing his hand through his hair for the hundredth time. "I made a mistake and I'm sorry!" He said quietly, or maybe it was at a normal volume and my mind was just fading out his words.

You can see that I've been crying, baby you know all the right things, to say, but do you, honestly, expect me to believe, that we could ever be the same?

You say that the past is the past, you need one chance, it was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

"Do you know how badly you've hurt me?" I asked, my shoulders dropping as the first of the tears started to fall. "I know what I look like Adam, I know you can see that I've spent all night crying over you, how you broke me." I finished with a whisper, shaking my head slightly at how ridiculous the whole situation was.

"Baby no, don't cry, please." He pleaded, his voice shaky as he came over and wrapped his arms around me, leaving me to cry into his chest. "I know I fucked up, and I fucked up so badly and I can never, ever, apologise to you enough for it to make it okay, but the past is in the past, just give me one chance. One chance to prove that I can be the man you need me to be, I'll do anything to prove to you just how much I love you y/n, please." He whispered, resting his head on mine as he sniffed quietly. "I'll get you all the flowers I can carry, the fancy dinners, jewellery, we can get married and have kids and have the life I know you've wanted since you were younger, you've just gotta give me one last chance." He finished his speech by giving me a slight squeeze, his arms hugging my waist as though I'd disappear if he let go, which wasn't exactly wrong.

"No, Adam." I mumbled shaking my head and pulling out of his hold, taking a couple steps back so his arms fell to his sides. "I'm not stupid, I know that this isn't the first time it's happened, and I'm not naive enough to assume that it would be the last either." I sighed, crossing my arms across myself in attempt to hold myself together.

"You know, you really do have all the right things to say don't you, talking about getting married, having kids, but do you honestly expect me to believe that we could ever be the same after this? After you broke my trust and my heart all in the space of one night, I don't think I can ever look at you the same way again." I spoke with confidence, ignoring the slight shake in my voice as I narrowed my eyes at the guilt ridden man in front of me.

You should've said no, you should've gone home, you should've thought twice 'fore you let it all go. You should've known that word, 'bout what you did with her, would get back to me.

And I should've been there in the back of your mind, I shouldn't be asking myself why, you shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet, you should've said no, baby and you might still have me...

"Please y/n!" His sudden yelled made me jump slightly, watching as he started to pace the length of the kitchen. "What do you want me to say for you to believe me? To believe that it was a mistake that I regret! You want me to beg? I'll get on my knees and beg you for the rest of my life!" He sounded frustrated as he suddenly turned and dropped to his knees infront of me, his hands folded together as though he was praying. "Please y/n, don't give up on me, on us, just yet." He whispered, his tear filled eyes shining into mine, my heartbreaking ever so slightly more as he did.

"It's not going to fix anything Adam." I sighed turning away from him for a second to compose myself. "You shouldn't have to beg me Adam, you just should've said no, you should've told her that I was waiting for you and came back, to me!" I cried, wiping at my cheeks only for new tears to replace the old ones. "If you would've just said no then maybe you might still have me." I whispered as I walked out of the kitchen and into the bedroom, where I'd left his bags that I had packed at 3am this morning.

I can't resist, before you go tell me this, was it worth it? Was she, worth it?

"Y/n... please.." I heard him beg from behind me, ignoring him I pushed past with the bags in my hand and dropped them by the front door.

"Goodbye Adam." I whispered sadly, making my way back into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway and looking back to where Adam stood silently staring at his bags in the hall.

"Was it worth it?" I asked suddenly, his head snapping up to me as of surprised to hear my voice again. "Losing everything we had? Was she worth it?" I clarified, putting emphasis on the 'she'.

"You know she wasn't." He muttered sadly, shaking his head. "Nothing is worth losing you." He sighed, rubbing his jaw as he looked back down at his bags.

"Yet you've lost me anyway." I whispered sadly, a lone tear running down my face which I hastily wiped away as Adam picked up his bags before opening the front door.

"I love you, y/n, and no matter what I always will." He said, looking back over his shoulder with a small, sad smile on his face.

"Bye, Adam." I whispered looking down to the ground, leaving him to make his own way out.

As soon as I heard the lock of the door click into place signalling it's locked I dropped to the ground, knees up against my chest with my head low, my arms pulling my knees closer to me as I let myself sob for my own broken heart.

You should've said no, baby and you might still have me...

----

Feel free to send in any requests 😁🥰

#adam ruzek imagine #adam ruzek imagines #one chicago pd imagine #one chicago imagine #chicago pd imagines #Adam Ruzek #chicago pd imagine

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slipping-through-my-fingertips · 3 years

Text

mad woman

part of my folklore series

Summary: Kurt is concerned that Santana has lost her voice; Blaine helps her get it back.

Notes: I really feel that this song embodies Santana. I can’t explain it but it just reminds me so much of her. HAPPY 1 YEAR OF FOLKLORE!!!!!

AO3

Anytime he heard Santana singing in the shower, Kurt wondered why she gave up performing. Sure, she had the Spotlight Diner shifts but she was seldom a soloist. More likely, Santana opted to be backup vocals unless she was feuding with Rachel that day. It was like glee all over again. Her voice silenced or drowned out by the attention seekers. She didn’t fight for it as she had during her short-lived time as a member of the Treble Tones. Hell, she wasn’t into the music as much as Elliott and Dani were when One Tree Hill had been a quintet.

Kurt was worried about her. Though she’d deny it, Santana loved to sing. She needed glee just as much as the rest of them. The problem was since she moved to New York it was like she lost her voice.

He remembers feeling like that when he first arrived. Without NYADA, Kurt was another drop in the huge sea of city folk. No longer did he stand out for his bold fashion choices or being gay. Here, the things that once made him eccentric were just another thing people tried to ignore as they went about their days. No one in the city had time to pick on or compliment a newcomer from a small town in Ohio.

At first, Kurt liked it because the fear of being beaten for being himself had completely vanished within a few weeks of moving. That was all behind him. Way back in Lima. After a few months, the novelty wore off. He actually started to miss the stares from his classmates at McKinley High.

He hated to admit it but Rachel may have been right when she said they were similar. Sometimes, Kurt felt like Tinkerbell too. He needed applause to live. Craved the attention. Then, he got it at the Winter Showcase. Madame Tibideaux handed the limelight to him on a silver platter. The entirety of the NYADA staff got to hear him sing.

Of course, he could’ve thrown up because he was so nervous and completely unprepared. Yet, it had been exhilarating. That rush of being on stage with a captive audience. Combined with his attendance to NYADA being on the line, Kurt hadn’t felt this energized since he last saw Blaine in person.

None of that seemed to faze Santana Lopez.

Honestly, after pulling her into the band and having her quit, recommending the evening dance classes at NYADA, and taking her out to Callbacks on weekends, Kurt was out of ideas. She refused to get on stage. But he saw that small smile on her face when she hummed under her breath when she thought no one was listening. No matter how vehemently she denied it, she missed singing. So, Kurt called Blaine.

“I don’t know, Kurt, it’s kinda hard to help when I’m not seeing the situation for myself.” Blaine sighs, likely bummed he can’t solve this.

Kurt practically saw him pouting through the phone. Thank god, they weren’t on Skype. He hated seeing his boyfriend looking so defeated when he wasn’t there in person to kiss the top of his head.

Blaine had become the self-proclaimed advice-giver of the New Directions since he transferred.

He helped Mike Chang fix his relationship with Tina when they had a week-long fight about only eating at Asian restaurants on their date nights. Tina had been pissed. No simple apology was going to cut it. Blaine single-handedly compiled a list of Tina’s favorite places to eat and added a few of his personal favorite date night places.

When Finn would forget special dates and Rachel got fussy about how Finn never uses the couple calendars she made for them, Blaine stepped in and helped him set up a reminder alert on his phone.

And there was that whole fiasco about Miss Pillsbury not-so-subtly hinting that she wanted to get engaged. Blaine was able to straighten Mr. Schue out pretty quickly that day. For the life of him, that man didn’t understand why Miss Pillsbury was acting so weird.

“You don’t have to be so roundabout, you know?” Kurt told him.

“Huh.” Playing dumb, typical.

“Just come up to the city, Blaine,” he said. “I know you want to ask.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, boyfriend of mine,” Blaine huffed. “I have zero ulterior motives while being completely unhelpful to your current predicament.”

“Uh-huh, I’m sure that’s the case. I’ll see you next week.”

“Unless Cooper can find an earlier flight!” Blaine exclaimed.

He had been using up the countless number of frequent flyer miles his older brother had racked up to make weekend trips to New York. After Cooper discovered their long-distance relationship (likely after one too many late-night calls from Blaine missing his boyfriend), he offered them to Blaine.

Blaine arrived the following Friday. McKinley had some teacher’s day so Blaine was able to hop on a morning flight. He was waiting in the loft when Kurt finished classes for the day.

“Okay, we’re going to Callbacks tonight,” Kurt said, removing his coat.

“Hello to you too,” Blaine replied, standing up from the sofa. “How are you, Blaine? How was the flight, Blaine? I missed you so much, Blaine.”

Kurt rolled his eyes and ignored his boyfriend.

“This isn’t about you, Blaine,” he said, “it’s about Santana.”

“Wow, Blaine, you look great! Aren’t those my yellow pants you’re borrowing?” Blaine crossed his arms.

“Hey!” Kurt exclaimed. “Those are my pants!”

“Yeah.” Blaine blushed. “I rolled them so they’d fit better.”

Kurt marched over to him and knocked him onto the couch. “You look hot in my clothes.”

“I look better out of them.”

Instead of verbally agreeing, Kurt unbuttoned his yellow pants. Blaine was quick to keep up removing his own shirt and attempting to pull off Kurt’s as well. However, Blaine was sitting on the couch and Kurt was kneeling between his legs. It was proving to be rather difficult a task.

“Kurt…” Blaine groaned, “come up here with me.”

“I can’t very well do what I want up there, Blaine.”

He sat up straighter. “Is this payment for not properly greeting me because I’ll take a blowjob over ‘how do you do’ any day?”

Kurt pressed his face into Blaine’s naked thigh. “So long as you aren’t accepting blowjobs from anyone but me.”

“No, I would…” Kurt licked around Blaine’s hip. “Never.”

Within seconds, Blaine’s head was fully tipped over the back of the couch and the only thing coming from his mouth were moans. He couldn’t even force the word ‘Kurt’ from his lips. When Kurt finally gave in and decided Blaine had received efficient teasing, he sucked at the tip until Blaine screamed his name.

They were quick to clean up their mess afterward, unsure of when the girls would be home. It was one thing to have sex in the living room, it was a whole other to get caught. Though, Kurt figured Rachel owned him after Brody paraded around naked for the few months they dated.

“Okay, now that we’ve defiled Santana’s bed, can we focus on helping her?”

“Step one, don’t tell her about this,” Blaine suggested.

Kurt slapped Blaine’s chest.

“Ow.”

“Be helpful. You said if you were in New York, you’d be able to help better. So do it.”

“FIne,” Blaine replied, “no Callbacks. I have a better idea.”

Turns out that idea was a speciality club night of Alternative Tunes.

“It’s open mic. There’s gonna be singers, poets, magicians, and I heard their harpist is opening tonight,” Blaine explained, as they waited in line.

“Is that why she brought your violin?” Rachel questioned.

“Yup!” Blaine held up his black case. “I haven’t played to an audience of more than one in a while.”

Kurt smiled at him. He loved when Blaine performed just for him almost as much as he enjoyed watching Blaine in front of an audience. Something about his face just lit up on stage. The same way Santana’s did in front of a microphone.

“As much as I love talking about violins…” She rolled her eyes, “is there alcohol at this place?” Santana asked, “because that’s like 90% the point of going out.”

“Yes, there’s alcohol,” Kurt confirmed.

He told Blaine they’d need at least two drinks into Santana before they brought up performing to her. Which proved true. After nursing two long island ice teas, Santana was finally talking to Blaine about being on stage. He hadn’t gone up yet and she was teasing him.

“Come on, you brought your own instrument and everything,” she said. “Give us a show and tell.”

With that, Blaine stood up and walked to the stage. No one was in line so he went right up after the juggler finished. He tapped the microphone and introduced himself.

“I’d like to dedicate this first one to my boyfriend.”

He mouthed an “I love you” towards Kurt, who blew a kiss back.

Then, he was lost in the strings. The next song he did was for Santana. Blaine didn’t announce it or anything but he watched her face when he could during the progression of the song. When he finished his set, Blaine thanked the audience. Kurt whistled and clapped, Rachel was jumping up and down while screaming for an encore, and when Blaine was back at the table Santana offered to buy him a drink.

Without Kurt even realizing it, the next performer on stage was Santana. Just her. She didn’t introduce herself as Blaine did, the piano music just started to play and then she was singing.

“What do you sing on your drive home?

Do you see my face in the neighbor's lawn?

Does she smile?

Or does she mouth, ‘Fuck you forever’?”

Kurt couldn’t say why exactly but the song suited her well. Santana was always one to command an audience when she soloed. Soft instrumental with harsher lyrics was always her style.

While Santana had the audience and Kurt captivated, Blaine bounced back over to their table. He had two drinks in his hand.

“For you,” he said, passing Kurt a mojito.

In return, Kurt pecked his check. He really was so lucky. Then, his full attention went back to the stage.

“Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy

What about that?

And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry

And there's nothing like a mad woman

What a shame she went mad

No one likes a mad woman

You made her like that”

As Santana finished her song, Kurt and Rachel turned to Blaine, who was positively beaming. He’d done exactly what he had told Kurt he could do.

“How?” Rachel asked.

“I’m a smooth talker,” Blaine said with a smirk.

Kurt rolled his eyes.

If anything, his boyfriend was a clumsy mess. Romantic and adorable? Yes. Tripped over his words? Constantly.

“Come on, Blaine, give it up,” Kurt said.

“Magicians never reveal their secrets.”

Rachel huffed. She had a glint in her eyes suggesting she wasn’t giving up. Rachel rarely did when she really wanted something. Kurt had a theory that she could pester anyone enough to get what she wanted. Example A, a ticket to NYADA by tracking down the head of admissions and inviting her to Chicago to watch a show choir competition.

Before Kurt could tell Rachel to drop it, Santana returned. She had a new drink in her hand.

“Compliments of the lady in red,” she told them.

“Excellent song choice,” Kurt said.

“Blaine’s idea.” she shrugged, sipping her drink.

Blaine was still beaming.

“It’s perfect for her, isn’t it?” Blaine replied, “When I first heard it I knew I had to hear Santana do a cover of it.”

Santana winked at him from across the table.

“What is going on with you two?” Rachel asked. “The devil incarnate and the sun from teletubbies should not get along this well.”

Santana shrugged. “He’s besties with Britt.”

“It’s true.” Blaine nodded. “She even called us the Sunshine Twins.”

Kurt’s eyes drift to Blaine’s—his—yellow pants. “Yeah, that fits.”

#klaine #klaine fanfiction #klaine fanfic #my fics #folklore series

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olivieblake · 3 years

Photo

I woke up at 5am, saw these in my inbox, and just started cackling to myself okay here are my thoughts (and I will also address these individually)

okay so this album is folklore but More Of It

there’s this line from a francesca lia block book I read as a kid:

“If Los Angeles is a woman reclining billboard model with collagen-puffed lips and silicone-inflated breasts, a woman in a magenta convertible with heart-shaped sunglasses and cotton candy hair; if Los Angeles is this woman, then the San Fernando Valley is her teenybopper sister. The teenybopper sister snaps bug stretchy pink bubbles over her tongue and checks her lipgloss in the rearview mirror, . . . Teeny plays the radio too loud and bites her nails, wondering if the glitter polish will poison her.”

this is obviously not perfectly applicable to the situation at hand but this is what popped into my head while I was listening, which is that evermore is folklore’s little sister and folklore is cooler and better/has stronger individual tracks but evermore is definitely welcome to come along and hang out (it’s also kinda like... folklore with winter vibes). I’m definitely not mad at getting more of the same!!! but if it were me I’d have been like “hey guys this is folklore part II: 2 folksy 2 loresome” or something like that, because while there are some experiments here in terms of sound, I don’t think it will ever be considered as a standalone work without comparison to folklore

I have tickets to loverfest west which has obviously been delayed, and now I’m like what concert am I even going to attend?? I’m down to go to a folklore/evermore concert OR a lover/past works concert but?? not both?? the atmosphere would be very confusing

which is topical because to the first anon who thinks taylor is leaving the music industry: I disagree and I know you’re probably getting that impression based on her saying she doesn’t know what she’s doing next, but to me that just meant more along the lines of what ts era we’re in or what she’s going to perform next or how she’s going to promote three untoured albums or what she’ll perform at her next tour. I think she made it quite clear music is her primary love, so I don’t think she’s going anywhere. she did say planning her sets and stuff is a separate creative energy that she hasn’t even begun to consider yet, so I personally think that’s what she meant—since yeah, some of us have tickets to a concert where we don’t even know what will be played

if anything, I think this album is further proof that songwriting is the love of her life and she’s not especially gearing up for anything in particular in terms of her career by releasing it; she just has time on her hands that she wouldn’t normally have had due to tours and promotion, so now she’s doing what she loves without much concern for its profitability (although I assume folklore proved there isn’t much concern to be had as far as profits)

my favorite song BY FAR is “’tis the damn season,” which initially reminded me of cecily and porter from Saints and Liars (one of the stories in The Answer You Are Looking For is Yes) but the third anon is right, by the time I was almost done with my first listen I was like oh shit this is totally Never-Blink! I can’t unsee that now and also i now want to go back and read my own damn story

other songs I enjoy are “willow,” “gold rush” (I love jack antonoff, any time I look to see who co-wrote the song and it’s him I’m like I frickin knew it)

“tolerate it” has really standout lyrics I think, as does “marjorie”

I enjoy “long story short” a lot because it’s a welcome break after songs that are pretty but sort of difficult to distinguish from each other

“ivy” initially kind of reminded me of Lover from Draught of Living Death, but I’d have to listen again since it’s one of the songs that keeps mixing with the others in my head

I think “no body no crime” is really fun although I sort of wish she went a little harder, maybe brought on the dixie chicks or something? ALSO if I were still in an a cappella group I would mash-up “no body no crime” and “should’ve said no” and it would be GREAT ugh I hope somebody does that like, asap. but I’m happy she collaborated with women and that the result is we killed a man! 🥳

I do NOT like “coney island.” I’m just really not into the national and I don’t think their voices blend very well (I also don’t think taylor’s voice is as compelling when she’s in that lower register) and I was glad bon iver sang in falsetto because I was kind of bracing for another low disruption and I didn’t want it on a track as delicate as “evermore”

@junipernott it’s so funny you say that because as I was listening to it I was like this sounds exactly like something I would write—I obviously write a lot of heists/con artists, both in books and fics (Prospero from Lovely Tangled Vices comes to mind) but then I couldn’t think of anything that exactly fit the parameters of the song, so now I’m like WELL looks like I’ll have to write something then!

overall I think folklore is the stronger album; a lot of the standout pieces on both albums are tay’s more personal songs and evermore is predominantly meandering fiction, so to me it’s less remarkable as a whole rather than simply proof that she’s very good at this. that being said I’ll probably combine the albums into one playlist and listen to them together henceforth, so I’m definitely not mad about it

Iong story STILL LONG: i like it a lot, it’s a vibe and an atmosphere and living in it is great

but also don’t overlook the fact that britney spears and the backstreet boys have a collab that came out today because okay, TALK ABOUT COMING BACK STRONGER THAN A NINETIES TREND

#taylor swift conspiracy theories #saints and liars #the answer you are looking for is yes #lovely tangled vices #never-blink #lover #draught of living death

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neo-shitty · 3 years

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toffee!

ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.

ah yeah ty, good suggestions.

hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(

ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)

hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)

cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe

thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track

domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*

ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album

the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy

sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha

silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either

secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it

STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.

red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved

surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?

gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining

wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)

hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha

<3 w.a. 🐺

i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.

oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.

man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d

okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!

> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)

back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.

i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.

i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.

PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)

i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!

wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ

and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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jimmymcgools · 4 years

Note

maybe a bit risque for the writing ask meme, so feel free to ignore, but: the first love scene (or part of it) between jimmy and kim during their trip out of town?

hell yes, i’ll do this scene!! for sure! thank you ❤️❤️❤️

fic commentary meme and my answers

this is just a reminder before we go on that jimmy’s still wearing his damn bugs bunny t-shirt

Inside their room, Jimmy stares out through the slats of the blinds at the glowing highway sign, listening to Kim have a stilted conversation with her roommate over the phone.

photo edited by @unremarkable-house ♥️♥️♥️

He tips his head to the side. “Hmm. I could maybe get behind a dead space chimp.” ah, the dead space chimp. they were originally gonna visit the world’s largest pistachio but then i discovered it wasn’t there in 1992, so we went with the dead space chimp. the pistachio is so tragic though, you should definitely google it. send me reacts if you do. it’s a bummer.

He exhales and gives a winning smile, but his next question comes out a little breathier and a little more strangled than he would like: “Wanna make out again, then?” i always liked the idea of jimmy just out and asking this. famously not the greatest at communicating, these two, but i really wanted there to be more of a “hey, so do you want to do that again?” “hm, yeah, i do actually” vibe at the top of this scene rather than just them getting completely swept up in emotions

and it’s like a jolt rushing through him, like everything he’s been holding back for the past week comes smashing up through a frozen surface and he can breathe again. kind of blending two different images i’ve used before. way back in chapter 2 when jimmy does his little coffee spill scam: “it feels like bursting up through the water’s surface and breathing again”. and then kim right before their first kiss: “an enormous grin shatters over her face, like an ice sheet cracking”.

he shifts his weight back to his knees and reaches for her hair again, this time gathering it up gently and tucking it up on the pillow as best he can, running the soft threads through his fingers. jimmy’s boner for kim’s hair really just grows and grows huh

“Why are we doing this?” he gasps, and then he shakes his head. “I mean—why aren’t we doing this?” oh man the like, foggy-brained gibberish of this. “why are we doing this--no wait why aren’t we doing this--ok wait i know we’re literally making out right now but why aren’t we doing it for real kim?”

“To start with?” she asks softly, and she gives him a small smile. “Because you woke up and looked terrified.” “I what?” Jimmy asks. i was always curious how people took this. we’re in jimmy’s pov for that wake-up scene, and he doesn’t exactly think he’s terrified of a relationship with kim in that moment, but he does have a bunch of big messy thoughts that i hoped could seem like hesitation or fear in how they appeared on his face, and how kim interpreted them.

“No,” she says, eventually. Her eyes meet his. Words coming slowly, she says, “Jimmy, you’re not…” —and he thinks, what? what? pulse humming in his ears— —and, voice so careful, she says, “… part of the plan.” Jimmy lets out his breath in a rush of air. “Yeah,” he says lightly. He stares into her eyes. Hers are gentle, and he sighs again. oh man another thing i was curious about the response to. on the surface these words from kim are so horrible. they’re still not exactly nice but i really wanted to give them a specific kind of softness/honesty that makes them land okay. there’s maybe shades of howard’s “we want the case. we do not want... the case is all we want” that i really wanted to avoid. they are, though, probably the sort of words that jimmy filters away in the little bank he stores things like “the kind of lawyer guilty people hire” and “roll around in the dirt with me” and the lyrics to a certain ABBA song.

He tightens his fingers. “Wanna tell me about the plan, then?” but in the moment i wanted him to just be forgiving, and curious (and maybe already bracing to game the plan like he ends up doing, but hey)

“Make something of myself,” she says. kim’s ambition is so interesting to me!! her “plan” here as she tells it to jimmy is so vague, but i always feel like at the core there’s two elements: self-preservation/escape, and then ambition. “what did you want?” “more.” the ambition part i think about a lot, and i want to do more with it, tbh. because i think in some ways it’s the more interesting part. there’s a bit of a leap from just escaping a difficult situation to relentlessly gunning to get ahead in a field that gives you the power to determine right from wrong. kimberly wexler you fascinate me.

“We’re not in Albuquerque now,” he says. “No,” Kim says, smile edging her expression. “No, I guess not.” “Seems like the plan’s already gone off the rails,” Jimmy says, and he shrugs. “Hm,” Kim says, mouth twitching. forgive me for the chandler-and-monica-in-london of this. i do think kim and jimmy would’ve kept going in this moment without the dumb excuse, but i liked the idea that they both enjoyed having the dumb excuse. and then it ends up being more significant once they do get back to abq and kim actually does walk the relationship back.

She opens it and rifles through, then lets out a snort of laughter. “I forgot about this haircut,” she says, and she turns his wallet to face him. disgusted to discover i didn’t describe the velcro cronch of jimmy’s wallet here. how long do licences last in the US anyway? i hope he had to show people that slippin’ jimmy mullet for a long time. that important question aside, i really wanted to keep that easy humour and laughter they've had since the beginning going through this scene. and any time i can shift a fun/gently-ribbing joke into a slightly more emotional beat i’m happy, and i liked that shift here. “you guys didn’t know what hit you” “no, we did not.”

She leans back a little and runs a finger through the vee of his hips then holds it up to him. It’s covered in a fine layer of white dust. i got so attached to this dumb idea even though it’s the shittiest thing, sorry you two, fanfic rules, sorry, you’re covered in gypsum i guess, good luck bet it feels great 👀it’s just really hard to, you know. shake off white sands after you’ve been there once, y’know. 👀#metaphors

“Hmm, that wasn’t the first time,” Kim says, moving their joined hands around so that she’s resting her weight down on them. “I seem to remember you coming back to the mailroom one day soaked with coffee…” kim-wexler-is-horny-for-a-scam... but also, hey, a chance to talk more about this! kim remembers jimmy (who from the outside might’ve still seemed like he was one platinum platter away from joining howard on the third floor) helping a lowly assistant when he didn’t need to. and not only did he help clara in that scene, he did it in an outside-the-box way that put all the blame on himself and made clara look good in front of everyone upstairs.

there’s a scene break in that chapter from when jimmy starts explaining the plan, to when jimmy’s about to put it into action, and i always think that, after his explanation and after he and clara leave, kim stands there thinking that there’s no fucking way this mcgill brother is going to go upstairs and put on this whole performance just because one printer fucked up and vernon is a picky asshole.

and then he comes back down drenched in coffee. kim: 🙂

“Covered in coffee, huh?” he says, a few moments later. “I can arrange that again.” jimmy: kim wants a coffee-soaked striptease i’ll GIVE her a coffee-soaked striptease! kim: um

so he stops talking and listens—and it’s his name, over and over, hummed to his lips. jimmy and names is so... aahh. when i wrote this i was thinking about that moment in chapter one when he stands in front of the elevators and tries out different ways of introducing himself. “yeah, just jimmy. like, you know... cher.” just jimmy. it kills me to think about how, certainly by bcs s5 times, kim is the only one he’s just-jimmy to. 💔

letting Kim swallow it until there’s no sound left between them at all, no sound or words or names, just—light. echoes of them driving up into white sands, and it’s quiet, like after a snowfall, when jimmy wonders if the white itself that makes things noiseless.

thank you so much for requesting this scene!!! ♥️

#commentary ask meme #asks #better call saul #a controlled burn #♥️

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hozier-mp3 · 3 years

Note

For the Destiel writing requests: Dean walks in on Cas listening to the Zepp mixtape he made him, and Cas has some questions about the songs he chose and why... Songs that I would like to be on there, you choose the other 10: 'What Is And What Never Should Be' 'Thank You' and 'The Rain Song' Smut is okay (if you write it), and fluff of course <3

Alrighty. Holy shit.

I honestly am speechless at this point. First off, I am so, so, so, so sorry it took me this long. Usually I get back to people within two days, but I’ve been, unfortunately, busy this past week. Incredibly so.

Second, thank you so much for this ask. This is a beautiful concept and I love that you bestowed it upon me. You’re always welcome in my inbox, love. If you want a second chapter to this, just ask. I didn’t go full romance in this, because, well, I wanted to write it as close to canon (way back when) as possible. Originally I was going to write a long confession scene and... yeah. But I thought this was more in character and even more believable as part of an episode. If the C*W wasn’t, well, themselves.

Thirdly, I vastly enjoyed this, and I hope you enjoy it just as much as I did. Feel free to let me know what you thought or if you want a part two.

We really shouldn't go

It only goes to show

That you will be mine…

By taking our time.

Led Zeppelin croons into Castiel’s ears, and he writes these lyrics down as they play. He writes the title he believes the lyrics belong to beside them.

What Is And What Should Never Be

This is the fourth song he’s heard that really makes him smile. The fourth song that he drew a little heart next to. The third song that he drew tiny question marks beside. What can he say, Sam and his annotation skills have rubbed off on him.

This is the third time he’s listened to the mixtape Dean gave him, and every time he takes notes of the songs he likes at the moment.

Well, he likes them all.

Every warm, deep sound reminds him of Dean.

He hears the notes in Dean’s footsteps, in his voice, in the clinking of beer bottles at 9pm.

He sees the songs in Dean’s smile, in the warm tan of his skin.

He feels the music in the fleeting heat of Dean’s skin against his, rare as that may be.

Cas closes his eyes, listening and basking in the faux warmth the tunes give off. Every once in a while. The music in his ears is interrupted by the scratching of a pencil on paper, but it’s brief. He’s laying horizontally on his bed, arms folded over his stomach until a soft knock interrupts his trance-like state.

“Hey Cas, you, uh… oh.” Dean’s eyebrows raise as his eyes trail down to the device Cas’ headphones are connected to. “You’re… listening to it?”

“Dean.” Cas says, sitting up slightly and offering a small smile. “Yeah.”

“You like?”

“Yes.” His smile grows slightly, but remains soft and kind. “Yeah... I like.”

Dean nods, taking a step inside the room but leaving the door open.

“Dean, if you wouldn’t mind, could I ask you about some of the songs?”

Even in the dim lighting of his bedroom, Cas could swear he saw a tint of color on Dean’s cheeks. That made him smile, even though Dean now refused to meet his eyes. “Don’t understand ‘em or something? Sure, I guess.”

“Well, I was wondering… why did you give this to me, Dean?”

“Oh.” Dean pauses, finally looking up at Cas, if only for a moment. And there it is, the warmth. Dean’s gaze rushes over him and it makes Cas smile again. “Well, your music knowledge sucks. I figured you’d be best off getting some music in here when you’re not in the car.”

“Of course. Yes. I was just curious… some of these songs…”

“Yeah?” Dean steps over, his boots thudding lightly on the floor.

“Did you just get back?” Cas asks, changing the subject and looking up from the mixtape and to Dean, glancing at his boots on the way up.

“No, I was getting ready to leave. Grocery run. Bring the tape. We can, um… we can listen to it on the way there.”

“Alright.” Cas stands up, gingerly grabbing the mixtape out of the player and walking out with Dean.

There’s not much sound in the bunker at all. From the library there’s rustling of pages that Cas assumes is Sam, but otherwise, nothing. There’s the sound of Cas’ trench coat ruffling and moving against his other clothes. The sound of Dean’s arms as they hit his sides while he walks. Cas listens to the sounds of their footsteps. He enjoys the way they sound together. It’s always the same, but slightly different. And it’s a sound that’s been familiar to him for twelve years.

Another sound that’s been familiar to him for years: Baby. He glances over at Dean when they walk into the garage, and of course, the other man grins and speeds his steps slightly to reach his car. Cas, of course, follows.

He always does, doesn’t he?

They sit down inside, the old leather squeaking slightly as they do, and the doors slam.

Cas offers the mixtape to Dean with an open palm, and Dean nods, before gesturing to the tape deck. “Go ahead.” Once again, he’s not meeting Cas’ eyes as he starts Baby up. Just like every other time he starts her up, he lets out a light sigh and smiles.

Cas smiles at this, before putting in the tape and starting up the music.

Dean immediately smiles. The first song that plays is Ramble On, and Dean sings along to the lyrics, drumming his hands lightly as he drives. The next, though, is definitely familiar to Cas. It’s another he wrote down.

If the sun refused to shine

I would still be loving you

Cas closes his eyes for a moment, before opening them and looking at Dean. He feels a warm ache in his chest, although it’s not necessarily a bad one. “This was one of the songs I wanted to ask you about, Dean.”

Dean looks as though he’s asleep, but his eyes are open. “Yeah? I think it’s fairly obvious, what it’s about and all.”

“Why did you put it on the tape?”

Dean shrugs, and Cas can’t help but inwardly compare it to a child who’d just gotten caught doing something.

“I thought you’d like it.”

“I do. Very much so.” Cas settles into his seat, as though bracing for impact. As he stares out the windshield, he says, “It reminds me of you.”

“It… oh.”

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain

Tears of loves lost in the days gone by

My love is strong,

With you there is no wrong

“It reminded me of you too.” Dean says, sparing a glance at Cas, and Castiel happily returns the eye contact.

“What are the other ones?”

“What Is And What Should Never Be, and, um… The Rain Song. Although the latter isn’t nearly as…” Cas pauses. He knows the words he’s thinking, but, well… “soft, as the other two.”

“Yeah.” Dean mumbles.

“I think Thank You is my favorite. The beginning and the end, the lines about still… still loving someone until the end of time. It can be…” he looks at Dean again, “it can be fairly accurately applied to, well, to myself, don’t you think?”

“Well, you are immortal.” The corners of Dean’s mouth rise, but he keeps his eyes placed on the road.

“Your observation skills are something to be admired, Dean.” Cas retorts, eyebrows raised.

Dean laughs softly. “What can I say, I’m brilliant.” He glances out the corner of his eye at Cas.

As Cas’ eyes meet Dean’s, the final words of the song play, and both men tear their gazes away, returning them to the road.

If the sun refused to shine

I would still be loving you

Mountains crumble to the sea

There will still be you and me

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shipmistress9 · 4 years

Text

FTLOAP: Chapter 47: All Of My Memories Keep You Near

For The Love Of A Princess Masterpost

Alpha/Co-author: @athingofvikings

Taglist: @drchee5e @hey-its-laura-again @thepixiedustfactory

AN: Okay, I'm going to be honest with you guys. I expected much more of an outcry after the last chapter, and for a day or two, I was even a tiny bit disappointed. But then I realised my mistake. This is an HTTYD fanfiction! So, naturally, there are certain expectations when it comes to certain future plot points. You can't know what I've planned so you're not worried. After this truth sank in, my disappointment vanished. And got replaced by…

Anyway, it's been ages since I updated. That wasn't planned, but you might have noticed that the world is a crazy place. Me and my family are all good, but being under lockdown with three kids doesn't exactly leave much time for leisure activities. So I'm really happy that I'm able to finally update again! (It's also meant as a gift for my birthday next week from myself. :D)

This chapter's title comes from the song Memories by Within Temptation. It's one of my favourite bands, and I'm so happy that I can use some of their lyrics again. It wasn't a title I had planned for long, but when I listened to that song a while back, I knew that I had found the perfect title for this chapter.

PS: I made some minor changes in the previous chapter. Namely, the number of days scheduled for the Hunt and its preparation.

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If you want to support me you can buy me a coffee. I love coffee 😊 (Ko-Fi)

* - . - * - . o O o . - * - . - *

No matter how hard she tried, Astrid couldn’t keep her hands from shaking. Standing in the corridor behind the audience room – alone safe for Ruff and Tuff – all she allowed herself to do was focus on her fingers, on keeping them still.

It wasn’t working.

Over and over, her father’s announcement repeated itself in her mind, how he’d snatched away what she'd thought already firmly in her grasp – again. It wasn’t fair!

All that had kept her from screaming out in frustration right there in front of everyone had been Eret, his hand on her arm and whispering soothingly into her ear. “Breathe. Don’t panic, okay? This can work in our favour. You’ll see, everything will be okay.”

So she’d followed his advice, had taken a deep shaky breath and had focused on staying calm. Just like she was doing now. She concentrated on her chest, rising and falling with her breathing, and deliberately relaxed part of her body on each exhale. Her shoulders, her jaw, her forehead. It wasn’t easy; everything she’d been so sure of only an hour ago was slipping through her fingers yet again.

But… she trusted Eret. If he said that it would be okay then, maybe, not everything was lost.

“All right. I’m done,” he said when he finally joined her in the corridor.

“What took you so long?” It didn’t concern her, not really. But it had been odd that he’d sent her ahead with a whispered ‘Wait outside, I’ll be there in a minute’. And it provided a little distraction.

Eret shrugged. “Nothing major. I just had to talk to Dagur for a moment and didn’t want to risk for your governess to come up with some new plan for your day. But let’s go now.”

Astrid nodded gratefully. Enduring another lesson in etiquette now – no, that would have been unbearable. She tried to keep up appearances as long as they were in the more public area of the castle, but once they were alone in the corridors that led back to Eret’s rooms, she abruptly stopped. “What did you mean?” she demanded, turning on the spot to address Eret. Her voice was close to breaking, her hands still trembling. “How can this work in our favour?”

She really hoped he had a solution, because, frankly, she was running out of patience and strength to come up with something new every time again. She had enough of all this heartache, the anxiety. She just wanted to leave it all behind her and live the peaceful life she and Hiccup had seen in their vision. Even though, logically, she still knew that eloping wasn’t an option... it became tempting again.

“Because if we do this right, it will draw less suspicion,” Eret said calmly, then raised a hand to ward off her next question. “Not here. Let’s head back to– We should talk this through together.” Eret’s eyes burned into hers, reminding her that these corridors might not be as deserted as they looked.

Astrid nodded, fighting again to release the tension from her body and thought of Hiccup and how everything would somehow work out. It kept the panic at bay, for the moment at least.

Eret had a point. Even if they tried to be vague, any discussion they had here in the corridors was bound to draw attention eventually. But even as she tried to appear composed and unaffected, she still had to fight hard not to rush or outright run to Eret’s rooms. Toward Hiccup. And once they were there, she threw herself directly into his arms, clinging to him as tightly as she could.

“Uh... okay?” Hiccup was clearly worried, his own tension tangible even as he rubbed her back to soothe her. “I assume you have bad news?”

Astrid didn’t know what to say, just stifled her sobs against his chest and tried to keep from trembling. Why, why, why couldn’t things be simple and work as planned at least once?

“How did you even guess that?” Tuff commented dryly, closing the door after he and his sister had entered the room behind Eret.

“We should have talked to them last night,” Astrid whispered, not sure if anyone could even hear her. But it had been more to herself anyway. If they hadn’t – admittedly sensibly – waited until the morning to approach their fathers, then their plan could have worked. She wanted to kick herself but knew that it was futile to lament past mistakes. She neither had the energy nor the time for that.

“Eh, bad but not too bad news, I’d say,” Eret replied. He walked over to a sideboard to pick up an apple.

Feeling his gaze on her, Astrid looked up into Hiccup’s eyes, filled with determination and reassurance. It’ll be all right! they seemed to say, his hands on her back comforting her as he turned toward Eret. “And what exactly does that mean?”

“It means,” Eret mumbled past a mouthful of fruit, swallowed, then went on, “that using Astrid’s boon won’t work. But don’t worry, I already have an idea. You see, instead of the planned entertainment of the coming days, the King’s holding a Dragon Hunt. The winner earns glory and honour – and will become the new Count Ravenledge.”

“A Dragon Hunt?” Hiccup paled, his whole body becoming rigid.

Eret took another bite of his apple and nodded. “Yep. They just explained the rules and the plan for the next week. We have three days to prepare, then we’re all going to travel to Oramond. From there, we’ll start the Hunt on the following day. It’ll go on for five days before we’re all coming back here. Just in time for the betrothal. The winner is going to be whoever managed to kill a dragon and bring its head, or, in case more than one man accomplished that deed, the dragon species and size of the head are going to be deciding. There was a ranking… Terrible Terrors rank lowest, then Deadly Nadders, Gronkles, Hid–”

“A Nadder head is sure to get you noticed,“ Hiccup murmured, interrupting Eret. His eyes were cast to the far wall and he sounded as if he was quoting some well-learned lines. “Gronckles are tough. Taking down one of those will definitely get you a date. A Zippleback? Exotic. Two heads – twice the status. And then there are the Nightmares. Only the best fighters go after those. But the ultimate prize…” He trailed off, shaking his head, then looked back at Eret. “Yeah, I know that ‘ranking’. It’s what–”

Hiccup broke off when the door opened without a knock, both he and Astrid reflexively shying away from each other. But it was only Dagur, rushing in and shutting the door behind him again before he looked around the room. “Ah, everyone’s already here, good.”

“Where else would we be?” Eret replied, tossing the apple core to be put away later. “Did you find out something helpful?”

Astrid cocked her head, bewildered.

“He went to talk to his father,” Eret explained helpfully. “County Ravenledge belongs to Southshore, so we figured this would make more sense than me approaching my father for further information.”

“Yeah, and I got some interesting information,” Dagur said, uncharacteristically grim for once. He slumped down into a nearby chair and ran both his hands through his already messy hair. “The call for help from Oramond is almost entirely just a front, just like you expected. Yes, they had a dragon attack or two, but they have those every year at this season. Nothing uncommon. The destroyed storehouse was bad luck, but still no major problem. No, the real reason, or at least part of it, is to keep you alive.” He pointed at Eret, who grimaced and absentmindedly scratched at his chest. “All these tournaments don’t serve their purpose anymore, and apparently our old men decided that it’s not worth risking you getting killed. Very kind of them, don’t you think?”

There was something off in Dagur’s voice, something that didn’t quite fit his words. There was underlying anger that felt oddly out of place given that keeping his lover safe was in his interest, too.

Unsurprisingly, Eret noticed it too. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, eyes fixed on his boyfriend. “What is it, Dag? What do you mean by ‘they don't serve their purpose anymore’? What did you learn?”

Dagur snorted harshly. “It’s all been just a charade. And I mean everything. The festivities for old King Ragnvald’s anniversary, Astrid’s wedding, all these tournaments and hunts; they all only served one purpose: to reign in the endless riots over land and titles by making the overly greedy among the noblemen fight and kill each other.”

Stunned silence followed. Astrid stared at Dagur, eyes wide as her mind tried to comprehend.

“Well, I’d say it worked wonderfully,” Tuff commented dryly.

His sister nodded, grimacing. “The death toll certainly looks like it. And, you know… That explains a lot.”

Astrid closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against Hiccup’s chest. His arms around her drew her closer and she was grateful yet again for his never-ending support. Here, surrounded by his warmth, she was able to tune out the others completely and think.

Ruff was right. All these events where her suitors had competed for her attention even though her father knew she wouldn’t enjoy them. Setting her up as a coveted prize. Even pulling her wedding forth in the first place. With this new information, it all made sense now.

And she hated it!

She hated having been set up like nothing but a piece of meat simply for such a political gain. Of course, her wedding had always been meant to be about politics, about the alliance she could gain for the crown. But this? This was different. Worse! It had all been only for political intrigues, with her as just another figure to be pushed around on the board. No, even worse. She'd been nothing but a bait to lure countless men into death. Maybe they were men who deserved it, but that thought still made her sick. So much death...

Although... In a surreal and twisted way, it was also oddly soothing. Her father hadn’t been out to destroy her dreams, hadn’t deliberately aimed at hurting her. He was just doing what he thought was in the best interest of the Kingdom. She might not like that, but she could respect it.

And, well… In hindsight, it had even been to their advantage, even through some painful detours. If it wasn't for this whole mess about her marriage and the tight time limit it had given her, she and Hiccup would still be hiding in the outer stables without anyone knowing. No, not even that. They would be separated for months without knowing when or if they would see each other again.

Instead, they now had the support of their friends, and even though they still had no solid plan, she was glad to be here now. She just had to focus on their goal and not lose herself in worries and hopelessness.

Pushing away all troublesome thoughts for the moment, she snuggled closer against Hiccup's chest and smiled when she felt his breath in her hair. It wasn't long now anymore until she and Hiccup would be married – she refused to believe anything else.

"So, this Dragon Hunt is just another plan to set the overly greedy lords up against each other?"

Eret's voice pierced through her thoughts and drew her attention back to her surroundings. She stayed where she was, her head still leaned against Hiccup, but she opened her eyes to at least follow the conversation around them.

Dagur nodded. "Yep. Now that 'gaining the Princess's favour' isn't a viable decoy anymore, they had to come up with something else."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Tuff threw in. He sounded confused. "I thought County Ravenledge is in too bad a state. Wouldn’t that make it a rather bad decoy? Why would anyone go to such length to gain it?"

"Oh, that," Dagur grinned grimly. "Aye, what you and Astrid overheard was the truth; it really is in a horrible state. But that's not exactly common knowledge yet. From what Father hinted at, it's like this. For now, County Ravenledge is hot property, a large piece of fertile land that's not too close to the war with Maladur, and it even comes with a good title. If it were commonly known that it's vacant, many would apply immediately. But it is as I thought, they want to use it as a White Elephant, want to ruin a rival or three before they put effort into saving it. Or its people..." His hands balled into angry fists, but he kept himself focused. "Anyway, simply gifting the County to a rivalling lord wouldn't work, even the stupidest of them would get suspicious. So they set up this Dragon Hunt, for more than one reason. One, this way, it looks like a valuable prize and people will put much effort into gaining it along with the glory of winning. And even if nobody actually wins the Dragon Hunt, they can keep using it as bait. And the second reason..." He paused, grinding his teeth and shaking his head. "Well, the second reason is that... that with everyone being out in the countryside, away from watching eyes, they expect even more accidents to happen. Rivals taking each other out. And even though I hate this plan, I have to admit it has value. Gods, what would I give to see such an accident happening to Thuggory, for example."

During Dagur's words, Astrid paled. Certainly not for Thuggory's sake, but he wasn't the only one who could be affected by this plan. "But what about those who are loyal to the crown, the innocent?" she asked, disbelievingly. "Does my... does the King really risk them getting killed, too?"

Dagur shook his head. "Not quite," he sighed, tiredly. "This is how they see it. In the old days, a Dragon Hunt wasn't taken very seriously. It's incredibly hard to find and bring down a dragon on your own, so many didn't even bother trying. Our fathers expect that those who are content with the current situation of the Kingdom won’t actually participate in any real fashion. In fact, they don’t expect anyone to win at all. The inns and temples around Oramond will be rather crowded during these days as many noblemen will simply use the Hunt as an opportunity to rest and relax. Only those greedy enough to fight and risk lives – their own or those of others – for land and title will actually be out in the countryside. And those will be the ones that are going to kill each other. In addition, there will be guards patrolling the area, keeping an eye open to protect those loyal to the crown."

Astrid pressed her lips together and nodded. She didn't like the plan; there were far too many deaths involved. But she could see the merit in it, if grudgingly.

"Okay, that's a nice plan, and all," Ruff commented, wrinkling her nose. "But that’s not really our problem? This Hunt puts a heavy dent into your idea of Hiccup becoming the new Count. So now, we have to come up with something new, right?"

Astrid's shoulders slumped. Ruff was right. Dagur’s news had momentarily distracted her, but now, the realisation came crashing down on her again. If Hiccup couldn’t become the new Count Ravenledge, then they needed to come up with something else. Maybe they could use the Hunt as a distraction. Maybe they could come up with a way to run away after all, without causing any troubles for others. Maybe–

"Not necessarily."

Eret's interjection kept her thoughts from spiralling downwards. He looked thoughtful and then nodded to himself, even as everyone in the room was curiously watching him.

"Well, first things first. It’s as I said, we can’t use Astrid’s boon anymore. But that doesn’t mean all is lost. All we have to do is make sure that Hiccup wins this Hunt. Sure, the boon would have been the easier option, but this one might be safer. If Hiccup becomes a count by legally winning this Hunt – and nobody ever mentioned that the winner has to be one of the formerly appointed noblemen! – then that would be far less suspicious than the King just handing it over as a gift on Astrid's request. This way, it'll draw less attention and you can keep your relationship hidden until the betrothal ceremony. We’d have to talk to them right after the hunt, but if we’re all vouching for his character, then that should be enough to convince our fathers of his worth. The announcement and remuneration of him as the winner could be part of the festivity of the betrothal. And once Astrid openly declares to marry him instead of me and they’re officially betrothed, Hiccup will be under the crown’s protection."

"Yeah, but that's assuming he actually wins," Dagur deadpanned. "First, he has to find and kill a dragon. Not an easy deed, as far as I know. And it has to happen in a way that won't look like it's your success, with him being your servant and all. And that's not even taking into account the men who won't hesitate to attack us if they see us as rivals, with or without guards. How are we supposed to avoid them? This is going to be dangerous!"

Astrid shuddered, her heart pounding. She didn’t like this plan, not one bit! Because Dagur was right. Odin, even her father counted on a certain death toll during this hunt. And Eret planned to go out there? With that target already on his back, after he’d just escaped an assassination attempt? What if something happened to him? Or, by extent, to Dagur? Or to...

A low whimper escaped her, her hands clutching tightly at Hiccup’s tunic. No, she wouldn’t think about that. Couldn’t think about that. Not now!

Desperately, she looked at Eret, hoping for some kind of explanation, an indication that he hadn’t been serious, that he had another idea. A safer one! But for a minute or two, Eret simply chewed his lip, thinking as all eyes lingered on him. Even Hiccup was oddly quiet when Astrid looked up at him. In fact, he hadn’t said a single word in a long while now. Instead, he seemed to be lost in his thoughts, as if he was far away and hardly even listening to what was happening around them.

"I think that’s all manageable," Eret eventually said. He looked around at them all, and the optimism in his eyes gave Astrid hope despite the dire circumstances. "First, Hiccup will have to travel alone – no, hear me out."

He warded off her protest before she’d even opened her mouth. He had to be joking! He couldn’t be serious, couldn’t send Hiccup on this hunt, not alone, not with all the men willing to kill for it!

But apparently, he was serious.

"People will set out in small groups,” he went on. “Some with their squires, some with friends, some with guards. But Dagur's right, if we did that too then it wouldn't matter whether Hiccup killed a dragon; I would be declared the winner. Plus, it would be seen as odd if I were to participate for real. I'm heir to a Grand-Dukedom, I don't need a county on the other side of the Kingdom and my father would end up having to distribute it to one of our loyal vassals. No, that wouldn’t work.”

She was shaking now, clinging to Hiccup as if she could keep him safe. This was a bad idea, bad bad bad… She jumped when Hiccup placed a quick kiss to her forehead before prying her hands off him. Confused, Astrid followed him with her eyes as he walked over to where a carafe of wine stood and poured himself a glass. Not a bad idea, she thought with a grimace and even found herself longing for some wine for herself as well. She didn’t trust her legs, though, and instead turned back to Eret, hoping desperately that he was about to come up with a twist that would keep Hiccup safe.

“So what we're going to do is this. Dagur and I – along with our retinue, as I assume our fathers will give us an escort to ensure our safety – will travel together until we find a nice inn to spend this short vacation. Once we've settled, Hiccup can sneak away and head out on his own. That way, I’m not involved and it’s all his glory. But it’s also important that he ditches us, because he’ll be able to travel faster as a single man than as part of a noble’s retinue. I know Oramond and the surrounding area. There are no dragons living close by; travelling distance is not a problem if you can fly like these beasts. Now, if we only have five days, then even those who try to win this Hunt will only travel for one day, if that, before they start searching the woods. But that close to the city, they won't have any luck. You have to travel north until you reach the edge of the swamps before you're likely to encounter any dragons. If Hiccup rides hard and brings a spare mount to swap out or has the means to change them, he can reach the swampland on the second day, leaving everyone else far behind. Then it's just him out there, no threat of any rivalry or even competition."

"Aye, that could work," Dagur nodded.

There was a grin on his face now as he shared a look with Eret, but even though a part of her understood why Dagur would enjoy certain aspects of this plan, Astrid couldn’t be happy for them. She was still shaking, her arms wrapped around herself. There was logic in Eret’s words; if Hiccup rode ahead of all other participants, then he would be relatively safe. But still… She didn’t like this idea. Somehow, she had a bad feeling about it.

“It will,” Eret nodded at Dagur, not feeling the same reluctance as Astrid. "And as for finding and killing a dragon… There is not a single man among Astrid's former suitors who I think capable of actually succeeding, except for Hiccup. Lucky for us, the Tribes didn't send anyone to gain her favour, so Hiccup is the only one who actually has any experience with fighting dragons. He’d have two and a half days, that should be enough to find and kill one before he has to travel back. We just have to prepare and equip him suffic–”

CRASH!

Astrid jumped, as did everyone else, at the sound of glass shattering. She whirled just in time to see Hiccup fall down onto his knees, crying out in apparent agony.

Her heart was racing as she rushed toward him in an instant, trying to understand what had happened. Had he somehow hurt himself? Or was it some form of attack? Was he injured?

To her relief, he appeared to be unharmed, even though he was crouching on the ground, hunched over, and his hands were clenched into white knuckles as they clutched at his hair. But at least he wasn’t bleeding...

Scared and confused, she kneeled down at his side. “Hiccup?” she said, her voice quiet but urgent.

He didn’t respond though, so she tried to draw his attention by placing a hand on his arm. He flinched at the contact, but when he still didn’t react Astrid decided to give him a few moments. He clearly needed time to calm down, so instead of demanding an answer, she looked around and tried to understand what had happened. There were shards of glass on the ground from where the noise had come from, a dark red spot on the tapestries. Wine? Had Hiccup thrown the glass? But why?

With a low groan, Hiccup stirred, and Astrid turned back to him immediately. She could see his face now, ashen white and his eyes hollow.

“So it’s happening again,” he gasped, his voice trembling with an odd humourless laugh. “It all boils down to me killing a dragon. Again!”

. o O o .

Hiccup’s hands were shaking, his mind in shambles. Only dimly, he was aware of how the others were talking around him. It was something important, he was sure of that much. Probably something he should listen to. They were all doing so much for him and Astrid, Eret especially; Hiccup owed it to him to at least listen. But no matter how hard he’d tried, he wasn’t able to pay attention.

His mind was too full, flowing over with memories, images, impressions. Like a cup of wine having a full jug poured into it, the feelings spilling over the sides. Heat and pain, sorrow and fear, a wild beast, burned wood and smoke.

And guilt.

So, so very much guilt...

The thought raced through his head, dominating everything else.

Fire.

It wasn't my fault...

Smoke.

It wasn't my fault!

Burned flesh.

It wasn't my fault!

“The chief and his family are dead.”

It wasn’t... my... fault...

The mantra against his own sense of overwhelming guilt echoed in his head, drowning out all other noises around him, his eyes screwed shut. He felt like curling into a ball, like covering his ears with his hands, like screaming until these memories left him in peace. There was a pain in his chest, like a burning hole, the pain of losing his family as intense as on the day it had happened. At that moment, he just wanted to crumble and dissolve into dust, anything to escape the pain.

But then there was something else, something holding him back. It was strong, like a soothing warmth, thrumming and glowing. It was enough to dull the pain, to balance the sorrow. Enough to keep going.

"Hiccup?"

Hiccup sighed, shakily. Her voice was like a lighthouse, an anchor. Something to hold on to and to lead him out of the darkness.

He needed a few moments, blinking to clear his vision. Astrid was kneeling right in front of him, looking at him with those deep blue eyes of hers. They were so full of life, of love, of trust and support. Something to focus on until his thoughts had settled.

With a low strangled sob, he pulled her into his arms, his face once more buried in her hair. She was all he had left. All he needed. His future. He had to focus on that or he’d drown in sorrow again.

"Hiccup, are you all right? What happened?"

Her voice was muffled against his chest and yet he felt as if it was ringing cristal clear directly in his head. What happened? Never before had she asked. She had always been patient with him, had never pushed him to say more than he could. And he knew that she didn’t mean it like that now, either. All she wanted to know was why he'd thrown that glass, why he'd screamed. Had he screamed? He wasn't sure anymore.

But that didn't matter. What happened? She might not have asked after his past, but that wasn't the point. The point was that he had to tell her. It wasn't about admitting his weakness and reliving that nightmare, not anymore. If their plan actually and honestly depended on him killing a dragon...

His eyes wandered around from one confused face to the other. They didn’t understand why he’d reacted so strongly, and how could they? They couldn’t know what ‘fighting a dragon’ would mean to him. Which was why it was important now to tell them everything. Eret might suspect something, depending on what he’d heard, and Astrid… she only knew that something bad had happened. But if their plan was based on him going up against a dragon… then they had to know the truth. That he might not be able to win.

"No," he mumbled. His voice felt weak, brittle. "No, I'm not all right. But it's okay. I'll be okay."

Astrid grunted, clearly confused and not fully believing him, and from around them, similar noises echoed to his ears. When he looked up, he saw Eret, Dagur, and the twins all throwing puzzled looks, at him and each other. Sighing, he closed his eyes again, breathing in her mayweed scent to gather his courage.

"You ask what happened? If you really want to know, then we better sit down. It's a long story..."

. o O o .

Once more, they all settled in the chairs around the room. It made the atmosphere a little cosier than it had been during their discussion before, and Astrid had a feeling that this might be needed. She and Hiccup sat on a cushioned bench, and since he hadn’t let go of her even once, she opted to cuddle as close to him as she could. He didn’t say anything, but she got the impression that he was grateful for it, his arm around her trembling as he returned her hug. And if he really would talk about what she thought, then he would need her support. His head was angled to the side, and with his face half-buried in her hair, he took a deep breath before he began to speak.

“I… better start at the beginning,” he said in a low voice. He wasn’t looking at anyone now, his gaze fixed on the floor. Maybe that made it easier to talk. “Among the Tribes, we have this… this rite of passage, you can call it. Maybe you’ve heard about it, I don’t know… Being a warrior is less a job or profession but a title. It’s an honour. Everyone, men and women alike, who wants to call themselves a warrior once they legally become an adult, at the age of eighteen at the earliest, has to kill a dragon first. Most people who’re willing and able to become warriors kill a dragon during one raid or the other, it’s practically unavoidable. And even if it takes them months or even years longer… it doesn’t matter too much, doesn’t make a difference.”

Astrid listened apprehensively. She wasn’t sure what to expect, but from how he’d always shied away from even thinking about his past… Well, it wouldn’t be anything good.

“For me, it was different, though,” he went on. “As the son of the High Chief and heir to the title, everyone’s attention was on me. And on the fact that I hadn’t killed a dragon by the time I turned eighteen. Me becoming a warrior was an important event, a sign of my strength, that I would be able to lead our people in battle. There were voices of concern, worried that I might not be capable. And, well... To be honest, they weren’t entirely unfounded. I wasn’t bad at fighting per se; not overly strong but fast and good at learning different techniques. But when it came to fighting dragons, I was… I guess you can say I was not as enthusiastic as others.”

There was a low snort coming from Eret. Did he know what Hiccup was talking about? When the two shared a quick glance, she noticed pain in Hiccup’s eyes and understanding in Eret’s before Hiccup continued his explanation.

“You see, the Tribes… We’ve been fighting dragons for generations now. I don’t know whether the beasts have difficulty catching their own food where we hunt and fish or whether they’re just lazy, but they regularly steal our livestock and stored fish. And when we ward them off, they typically set things on fire, like houses. So, in order to keep us and our food storages safe, we fight them off whenever we see them. It’s like a reflex, self-defence.

“This sounds like I’m trying to excuse what we did when it should be normal to defend your life. But you see, it wasn’t always like that. Or… at least not if you believe in the old legends. Most say they are nothing but fairy tales the elderly like to tell around campfires and nobody believes them to be true. According to these legends, we didn’t always fight the dragons. Reportedly, there were times when the dragons and the Tribesmen were friends and some even claim we once rode on their backs through the air. And ever since I can remember… These legends always fascinated me. I always wished they were true. I mean, wouldn’t that be amazing? I often dreamed about how that would be, not just riding a horse or the waves on a fast ship, but soaring high through the winds.” He paused, a wistful expression on his face, then added with a sad smile, “Dad wasn’t exactly thrilled, often cursed the decision to name me Hiccup. I’m still not sure how serious he was.”

Confused, Astrid stirred. “Why? What does your name have to do with everything else?” she asked, her forehead wrinkled.

Hiccup’s lips twitched, but before he could answer, Eret beat him to it. “Did you never think that ‘Hiccup’ is a rather odd name?” he asked, a slight chuckle in his voice.

Astrid felt Hiccup’s eyes on her, curious for her reaction. But she merely shrugged. “Not really. I know that it’s a relatively common name among the Tribes. The entire Royal Guard is made of Tribesmen, remember? I’ve met a few Hiccups before.” She looked up, relieved to see Hiccup smile, if tentatively.

“You’re right, it’s a common name,” he confirmed. “But there’s a reason for that. You see, according to the old legends, it was a man named Hiccup who was the first to ever befriend and ride a dragon. As children, we often hear these stories, fairy tales to keep us entertained on stormy days. But they fascinated me long after that age, and I often spent my time reading about these old legends and digging through archives for more information when I instead was supposed to practice dragon fighting or help in the forge to build more weapons. And every time the dragons raided our food supplies, I found myself reluctant to fight them. So, yeah… Dad wasn’t thrilled that I apparently took after my namesake.

"But... I couldn’t get rid of these thoughts. What if these old legends were true and the dragons could be our friends instead? I always did my best to chase them off, but it became noticeable that I wouldn’t harm them. I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt them, not with these stories always fresh in my mind from when I told them every night to Tooth–"

Hiccup suddenly broke off and Astrid cocked her head. "Tooth?" she asked. The way he’d said that word had made it sound like a name, if a strange one. But what drew her attention even more thoroughly was how Hiccup flinched as the name slipped off his lips and how his face crumpled in pain.

His hand around her own tightened noticeably, and he took a moment to hide his face in her hair before he answered, his voice nearly breaking.

"Toothless,” he gasped in a weak whisper. “My… my little brother. His real name was Teitr, but my sister and I often called him Toothless. It was… an in-joke of some sort.” He paused, taking a deep shaky breath before he continued in a sober voice. “According to the old legends, the dragon that Hiccup back then rode was a Night Fury named Toothless. And when Teitr took nearly a year to eventually get his first teeth… well, it seemed fitting and the nickname stuck somehow."

. o O o .

Just as expected, the pain was almost overwhelming. Hiccup clung to Astrid as if to dear life, deeply inhaling the scent of mayweed and her to keep himself sane as the memories came crashing down on him.

…

"...and this is why you should never anger a Death Song."

Hiccup closed the book and placed it onto the table next to him.

"No, read another one! Please?" Teitr looked up with a pout, his green eyes wide and pleading.

Hiccup groaned, but was spared an answer when unexpected laughter sounded from behind them.

"It's your own fault, Hic. You are the one who started his obsession for these legends. Now live with it."

Arndis threw him a smirk, then grabbed one of the swords from a stash near the door. She made a few steps until she’d reached the open area in the workshop’s middle, then whirled around with the sword in hand, going through a series of motions and battle stances. When she was done, she nodded approvingly. "This one is balanced perfectly, good job. Who's is it?"

“Uh, the one with the big pommel?” Hiccup had to crane his neck to take a look at the list at the other end of his desk. "That's for Master Svenson." He took a pen and made a sign behind that order. When Arndis said the sword was balanced, then he didn't need to double-check for himself.

She came over and placed the sword onto the table, a safe distance away from Teitr's pudgy hands.

"Read more?" their little brother demanded, holding up the book to his big sister.

But Arndis just shook her head, chuckling as she ruffled through Teitr's auburn locks; the same colour as hers and Hiccup's. "Sorry, Toothless, but Mother asked me to sew something for her. A traditional shieldmaiden's outfit. I think it's supposed to be a gift?" She shrugged. "Anyway, I don't have time today, little monster. Stay here and play with Hiccup, okay?"

Hiccup threw her a deadpan look. As if he didn't have enough work to do, too. But then, he loved spending time with his little brother, and luckily, Teitr loved to help him wherever he could.

"All right, how about we go to the stables and see if they have something to do for us?"

The little boy squealed at that suggestion, eager to pet his little pony, so Hiccup lifted him up and onto his shoulders.

Arndis chuckled. "You realise that's kind of the wrong way around?" She gestured at her two brothers, Toothless riding on Hiccup’s back.

Hiccup rolled his eyes but couldn’t help smiling fondly as Teitr giggled.

“Giddyup!”

…

"So, what happened then? I guess they made you fight in the arena?”

Eret’s voice tore him back into the here and now with painful brutality. It took Hiccup a few moments to push his painful memories aside and focus on his surroundings again. Gods, he missed them so much! But once his mind was clear again, he gratefully nodded at his cousin. His words hadn’t been just curiosity, Hiccup knew, but also a deliberate distraction, and he appreciated the sentiment.

He nodded. "It's the official version of the rite of passage," he explained for the others. "A one-against-one fight in Berk's grand arena. As I said, it doesn’t happen often, but my case was special enough…”

At his side, Astrid became rigid, her hand twitching. “You fought a dragon,” she whispered. “And you didn’t win.”

Pained, Hiccup looked at her. How did she know? Or was she finally realising the obvious, how much of a failure he was?

“That’s what you told me once,” she reminded him. “When you showed me your leg and I asked what had happened.”

Hiccup relaxed, if only a little. Stupid, stupid thought!, he reminded himself. Her feelings for him were just as strong as his were for her… even if, for a moment, his self-doubts had let him forget.

“Right…” He nodded. Out of reflex, his free hand moved down to rub at his leg, the memory alone enough to make the pain flare up again. “Yeah, that’s when it happened. The leg and…”

...and so much more!

“What happened?” Eret coaxed, gently.

Hiccup pressed his eyes shut. As if that was enough to keep the painful memories away… But, of course, it was no good. And it wouldn’t get any better, not until he’d told the whole story and could move on.

“I don’t even know what exactly went wrong,” he said in a low voice. “They set me up against a Monstrous Nightmare, of course, they did. The most dangerous dragon they could get a hold on. After all, I had to prove that I was worthy of becoming High Chief one day. And… and I was confident that I could do it. I’d practised fighting dragons for so long and I’d been preparing myself for weeks, knew what to do. I should have been able to do it! From what I remember, I had done my best in that fight.” He sighed. “But it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t able to defeat it. And even now, I’m still not sure whether I held back for some reason, maybe because I didn’t want Teitr to watch me kill a dragon, or whether I was just not good enough, whether I was too slow or made a mistake or…”

He shrugged, feeling useless.

“Either way, I couldn’t defeat it. It was too fast, too fierce. It… it’s all a blur. In one moment, I was facing it with my sword and shield, and in the next…” He sucked in a sharp breath. “In the next, I was lying on the ground, unable to move as guards rushed into the arena to capture the beast and put it back into its cell. All I remembered was that I had somehow lost my weapon in-between. And the pain. I didn’t notice at first, only when the other men rushed past me and I tried to get up and help. The Nightmare had hit me with its claw, one long gash from my ankle up and past my knee, bleeding and... I must have passed out then. The next thing I remembered was that I got carried out of the arena, the dragon contained again.”

He trailed off, his head dropping until his unruly hair fell around his face to hide it. The sober words he used to tell his story didn’t do his memories justice. But how could he put into words how it had been to face that monstrous beast in an open fight? How could he explain how disoriented he’d been, surrounded by flames and noises? How could he admit how frightened he’d been, how helpless and useless he’d felt. How could he make them understand how all-consuming the pain had been, even when his mind had numbed the actual sensation?

Or how crushing the guilt and embarrassment still was…

“It was mortifying,” he eventually went on, murmuring quietly, and if the others hadn’t been listening attentively, they surely would have missed his words. “I was the firstborn son of the High Chief, the heir to his title. The one who was supposed to lead the Tribes in a couple of years. And I wasn’t capable of fighting and killing a dragon. Nobody said anything to me, but I could feel it in the way they looked at me, the pity and disappointment in their eyes. And I-I couldn’t stand it.”

Hiccup trembled as he remembered how ashamed he’d been. He’d failed...

“They’d brought me to the healers. But before anyone had tended to my leg, I had slipped out again. I know how foolish that had been but…” Again, he shook his head. “I just wanted to get away, to hide from everything and everyone. Somehow I made it into the forest behind the village, limping and without anyone noticing. I can’t say for how long I stumbled through the woods. I had lost all sense of time. It must have been hours though because eventually, night fell. It was cold and my leg hurt terribly, but it was too dark to find my way back and… and I didn’t want to go back anyway. I didn’t want my mother to comfort me, didn’t want to listen to Arndis teasing me, not even gently, didn’t want to hear Teitr’s innocent encouragements. And most of all, I didn’t want to see the disappointment in my father’s eyes… I couldn’t stand even thinking about it!”

But, oh, what would he give if he could go back, could see and hear them all again. Just one more time…

“It was cold that night, especially in the forest. Icy. Sleet and rain and wind, and I didn’t even have a coat, much less a blanket or any other equipment. And my leg hurt. I knew I’d been stupid to not let anyone treat it, but even worse was the dirt that had gotten into the wound out there in the forest. I thought I would die that night, bleed out or maybe freeze to death. And a part of me thought that it would be better that way, that it was what I deserved for failing and for running away.”

It took Hiccup a moment to realise that the trembling of his hand wasn’t his own. Astrid was shaking, her hands holding his not tight enough to cover it. He squeezed them and dared to look up into her eyes. As expected they were wide, unshed tears shimmering along the edges. Tears for him, for his former self.

Almost involuntarily, his lips twitched into something like a smile. He brought her hand to his lips to brush a soft kiss onto her knuckles, then sat up to huddle against her. Her warmth, her strength, her love. That was all he needed.

“It was past dawn before I returned to the village. I barely remember the night or how I made it back, only that I was freezing and wet and that my leg hurt somewhat terribly. I was barely lucid, stumbling around, and at first, I didn’t even notice that something was off. There were far too many people up already, all agitated and running around. And that horrible smell in the air…” He shuddered involuntarily. “I wanted to go home, to let my mother take a look at my leg and to rest. But I couldn’t find it. I remember laughing at myself at how confused I was, not even finding my own home anymore… And it took me far too long to understand that… that my home was gone.”

“What do you mean by ‘it was gone’?” Astrid asked into the silence that followed, tentatively.

Hiccup stared at the floor, eyes empty. “It was simply gone,” he whispered. “I’d been looking for the colourfully decorated front and the high roof with the dragon emblem on top of it. But none of that existed anymore. Instead, there was only a large group of people, gathered around some burned ruins. And it took me far too long to understand.” Behind his unseeing eyes, the memories rose once more, of burned beams reaching into the morning sky, of smoke and still-glowing embers here and there. And of the dread that overcame him at that moment – a feeling that had never really left since then.

“I later learned,” he went on in a hollow voice, “that during the night, the entire building had burned to the ground. And… and that nobody had made it out alive. I only saw them when they carried the bodies outside; they wouldn’t let me into the ruins. But from what I’ve heard… My parents had apparently been lucky.” He scoffed. “They died in their sleep. They were still in their bed; my father had been easy to identify with his massive body and the same was true for my mother as well, taller than most and lying next to him. My only solace is tha-that they died peacefully. My siblings didn’t have that luck.” He gulped, leaning into Astrid’s arm as she squeezed his shoulder. “They must have woken up and tried to escape along with a couple of serving girls. Their bodies had been found on the floor of the living room. Teitr’s body had been clutched in the arms of one of the girls and… and it hadn’t even been possible to determine if it had been Arndis or not. They couldn’t tell the girls apart.”

“Oh, Hiccup. That… that’s horrible.” The pain in Astrid’s voice was real, as was the sincere sympathy he felt thrumming through their bond. It felt like a comforting touch to his soul, soothing and maybe even a little healing.

Dagur and the twins were silent, radiating sorrow. Only Eret reacted, leaning forward on his chair and placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Yeah, we heard about the fire,” he said in a bleak voice. If anyone could understand his pain then it was Eret. He’d known his parents, had practised sword-fighting with Anrdis and had let Teitr ride on his back. For him, the loss had been painful, too.

It was… funny, in a way. No, not funny. Weird. He’d thought that reliving all these memories would be impossible, that he’d break down like he’d broken down before whenever he’d thought about his dead family. But instead, he felt… lighter somehow. As if by talking about them, a burden had been lifted off his shoulders. They might be gone, but they weren’t forgotten. He would always remember them, always keep them close to his heart.

“But how did you end up disowned and exiled?” Eret continued after a short pause. “How could they blame you for something that must have been an accident? You weren’t even there.”

“Exactly,” Hiccup muttered. He took a deep breath, then straightened. “It’s never been a secret how the fire happened. The Nightmare I’d been supposed to kill the day before escaped from its cage and, presumably following my scent, went straight to our house. It was brought down quickly, but by then, the fire was already too big to be contained.”

The body of the dead dragon had still been there, carelessly left to be dealt with later. A silent reminder of his failure.

“You ask why they exiled me?” His eyes met Eret’s, finding comfort in his earnest concern just like Astrid next to him gave him strength and courage. Here, he was among friends. They wouldn’t judge him, wouldn’t believe what his fellow Tribesmen had accused him of. “Because they suspected me of having caused the fire on purpose. What a ‘lucky coincidence’ that I hadn’t been there, that I had survived. As if me hiding in the forest hadn’t been an act of cowardice but just a fake alibi instead.” He shook his head. “They only had suspicions and leads, of course, no solid proof. But that was enough for them to distrust me. The dragon couldn’t have escaped on its own, it was securely locked away. Had I released it, not knowing it would directly go to our house? Or had I directed it there on purpose? Had it been an act of spite to cover up my weakness and failure of the lost fight or had I actively planned for my father to die so that they had to appoint me as High Chief?”

Seeing the disbelief and anger in Eret’s eyes helped to keep his own in check. Hiccup took another deep breath and let it out slowly, focussing on Astrid’s warmth next to him instead of the pain of betrayal and guilt he still felt. “The rest you know. They locked me up until judgement was spoken and then exiled me. They… they didn’t even let me attend my family’s funeral. And even though I didn’t do what they accused me of… they were also right on one point. It was all my fault...”

“Hiccup,” Eret said, but he didn’t let him finish whatever he wanted to say.

“If I hadn’t run away like a petulant child then maybe I could have prevented it. I often stayed up late, maybe I would have noticed the fire in time. Maybe I could have saved them, or–”

“Or maybe you’d be dead now, too,” Tuff deadpanned.

Pressing his lips into a tense line, Hiccup nodded. “Or that,” he agreed, quietly. “And I’ve often thought that, maybe, that would have been the better option.”

Next to him, Astrid flinched and sucked in a sharp breath. Hiccup turned toward her and threw her an apologetic look. He couldn’t help that those had been his thoughts in his weakest moments. But not anymore, he tried to convey with every ounce of sincerity he had, and she seemed to understand, nodding with her lips pressed tightly together. She snuggled closer to his side, equally offering and seeking comfort and strength. Sighing, Hiccup leaned into her, pressed a soft kiss into her hair, and gave himself a moment to bask in her presence. With her around, he felt lighter, as if nothing was impossible.

“I don’t see how any of this was your fault,” Dagur eventually threw in. “To me, it sounds as if they’d only been looking for a reason. Weren’t there some riots before that already? Some groups rebelling against House Haddock’s lead? I think I remember having heard about that.”

Sighing, Hiccup nodded. “Yes, you heard right. Not everyone was happy with how my father and the King used to be friends. They thought it would make us weak, that we should rebel and rule ourselves again, without a King. And that’s probably what happened, that these voices then grew stronger and took over. But it’s still my fault.” He held up a hand to ward off any protest. “If I’d simply killed the dragon as I’d been supposed to, had proven myself worthy of our people’s respect, then nothing would have happened. They would still be alive…”

There was a heavy silence as nobody was able to contradict him. Hiccup pressed his lips together and nodded. It had been his fault, even if only indirectly.

Eventually, Eret cleared his throat to draw everyone’s attention. “You know… as much as I’d like to give you time to process now – we don’t really have much time. But before we dive head-first into further planning and preparations, there’s one question we need to address above all others.”

Hiccup looked up and cocked his head, wondering what Eret meant.

“Do you think you can do it? Can you kill a dragon?”

. o O o .

*Once again hides under rocks and waits for the storm to blow over*

ALso, if you want to get added to the tag list, just contact me :)

Next Chapter

#For The Love Of A Princess #FTLOAP #Hiccstrid #fanfiction #httyd #Medieval AU #Royalty AU #feels #ALL THE FEELS

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multifandomfanficss · 4 years

Text

Benny X OC

My Babysitter’s a Vampire

You’re Special: Part 2

Prompt: This is another Benny x OC fic. In this fic my OC Liz battles her newfound powers and a siren alongside her boyfriend Benny and her best friends. This isn’t based on any specific episode, but is sort of a continuation of part 1.

Warnings: I don’t think there are any

A/N: I’m back at it again with the OC fics. Again there is a part when it briefly switches to 3rd person point of view, but it will be clearly labeled. Tell me if you want me to keep these going.

BEEP BEEP I woke to the sound of my screeching alarm clock. It’s Thursday morning. I got out my clothes for the day and waited and listened for the front door to close down stairs. As soon as I knew my dad was gone to work for the day I sprinted to the bathroom and turned the shower on. I slipped off my bracelet and put it on the sink. Part of me was afraid that I would ruin it if I wore it in the shower. It was a beautiful old leather bracelet with magical symbols carved into it. I got it from my boyfriend’s Grandma to help control my powers. I smiled to myself. Saying my boyfriend was still new and it was a nice feeling. Benny and I had only been dating for about a week now. Being as impatient as I am I hopped in while the water was still cold and bounced around waiting for the water to warm up. The water felt nice splashing against my skin. I felt safe. I had always felt a strong connection to water, but now knowing that I had powers that come from the earth everything was a little bit different.

After my shower I threw my clothes and my bracelet on and rushed to put a little makeup on. I don’t usually wear makeup to school. It’s a little bit annoying to wake up early just to put on makeup. These people see me everyday and we all know that nobody wants to be there anyway. I don’t need makeup for school. I’m just going to sit in front of a white board and projector for about 6 hours. I knew Benny wouldn’t care. He’s seen me without makeup a million times, but today was different. I wanted to look good and feel confident. Today was auditions for the drama club’s annual cabaret. Every year our school has a cabaret to raise money for the drama club. I love drama club. Although I don’t talk about it in front of the boys very much acting really is my passion. Benny knows how much I love it. He loves to do lights for the shows. Although Ethan and Rory always make fun of him he is such a techie. It’s really cute. I love seeing him get excited about all of the special effects that go into theatre. Even before we were dating when we were just best friends we always looked forward to drama club. It was always a good way for us to bond. We would never admit it to Ethan and Rory, but it was special to us.

I quickly ran downstairs, packed my backpack, grabbed a bagel for the go, and headed out the door. I met Benny and Ethan in front of the school with a smile on my face ready to face the day. When I got there they were arguing about the Mandela Effect and wether it was real or not. Typical. They were so into the argument they didn’t even notice me. “Benny, it’s not real. It’s not scientifically possible” Ethan argued. “Okay, Ethan, but you get visions and I have magic!” Benny responds. “And when they run out of fries in the cafeteria I throw a 6.2 on the Richter Scale...I gotta go with Benny on this one” I smile stopping in front of them. The boys look at me. “You’re just saying that because he’s your boyfriend now” Ethan says. “That’s right. She’s my girlfriend. I have a girlfriend” Benny says putting his arm around me. I blush. “Will you just shut up?” I beg him. I can’t help, but smile and giggle. He’s so stupid, but it’s the really cute kind of stupid. Thank God my bracelet is on or the school pipes would explode. Benny looked down at me and smiled. “Why do I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world?” He asks me. I blush like crazy. Usually I’m pretty cool and I’m never speechless, but Benny just puts me at a loss for words. “Guys I’m still here” Ethan breaks me out of my bliss. “Now if only we could get Ethan a girlfriend” Benny pouts at him. “Hey, there’s still hope for Sarah yet. She never actually rejected him” I remind Benny. “I’ll ask her when I’m ready” Ethan defends himself. “You better” I tell him. RING The bell goes off and we head into the school.

By the time I had made it to lunch I was already pretty nervous. The day was halfway over and my audition for the cabaret would be soon. I sat next to Benny while I stared across the cafeteria. Ethan and Rory sat across from me. Sarah and Erica were nowhere to be found because the seniors were on a field trip. I was spacing out big time as I tried to make sure I knew the lyrics to the song I was supposed to sing. “Uh...Earth to Liz” Benny said breaking me out of my thoughts. I shook my head and snapped back to reality “Yes?” I asked. “Does that sound good?” He asked. I looked at him with confusion. “Have you been listening to any of this conversation?” Ethan asked. “Sorry...I just zoned out” I apologize. I feel bad, but I’m nervous about the audition. I feel my leg shake under the table. Benny puts his hand on my knee and looks at me. I stop. “Sorry” I say quietly. “What’s up with you?” Rory asks. I shrug my shoulders. “Aren’t the auditions for that drama club thing today?” Ethan asks. I nod. “I guess I’m just a little nervous” I confess. “You’re gonna do great” Benny promises me. “Yeah! You’re Awesome!” Rory chimes in. “Besides didn’t you get like the lead last year?” Ethan asks. “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get it every time. Theatre is hard. It’s really competitive” I tell him. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. “Anyway, what’s up?” I ask. “Movie night tomorrow at Ethan’s?” Benny asks. “You know I’m there” I tell the boys. I smile as they start another debate over Star Wars: Episode III and I zone out again. This time I find myself staring at a girl I never really noticed before. I don’t know everyone at our school, but at the same time we don’t go to the biggest school. I feel like I would have at least seen her in passing. She’s probably new. She’s dressed in mostly shades of purple and black and she’s sporting a pretty cool leather jacket. She looks like she radiates so much anger; like she just wants to scream at the world.

RING The last Bell of the day went off and I made my way to the auditorium. I was scheduled to be one of the first auditions. Then I could leave with Benny and Ethan who were waiting for me outside the school. I walked through the door and put my name on the sign in sheet. I’m supposed to go second. At least I’m not first. I looked down to see a name after mine that I didn’t recognize. Who’s going third? I questioned everything when I looked at the name Emily Sirven. I looked around the room and saw the mysterious new girl. It has to be her. The drama club isn’t that big and for the most part I know everyone. I wonder if she’s any good. I walk up to her and try to strike up a conversation. “Hi. I’m Liz. I feel like I’ve never seen you around before. What’s your name?” I ask. “I’m Emily and I’m going to make you feel in a minute” She snaps. I’m not quite sure how to take the oddly vague threat. Is it even a threat? “Liz?” Ms. LOL breaks me out of my thoughts. I turn to her. “You’re up!” She tells me. I hardly noticed the boy before me had even started let alone finished. I took a deep breath as I held onto the pendant on my TARDIS necklace. I rushed up to the stage and got ready to sing one of my favorite musical theatre songs. I belted out As We Stumble Along from the Drowsy Chaperone. The song was funny and powerful. As soon as I started singing I immediately started feeling better. I always feel at home in my singing. As soon as the song ended I left the stage. I pass Emily on my way out and decide to be nice. “Break a leg” I smile at her. “Oh I’m sure you’ll break something” She tells me. What is her problem? I knew I had to stay to see her sing now. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I stood with my back leaning against the wall and waited for Little Miss Ego to start. “I’m going to be singing an original song” She informs the drama club. Is that even allowed? This a theatre cabaret not an open mic. She started the song and I completely blacked out.

3RD PERSON POV

Benny and Ethan were waiting outside the school for Liz when the entire building started to shake. “What’s going on?!” Ethan shouted over the nicely sized earthquake. Ethan lost his balance and fell to the ground. “We have to find Liz!” Benny responded. He knew his girlfriend was responsible. He grabbed Ethan’s hand and pulled him up, running inside the building. The boys ran to the auditorium, but as soon as they got to the doors the earthquake stopped. They took a quick look at each other and quickly ran inside.

LIZ’S POV

“Liz” I heard Benny and Ethan calling my name while I was being shaken. I opened my eyes to see Benny on his knees in front of me with his hands on my shoulders. Ethan was squatting next to him. I was sitting on the ground against the wall. They looked very concerned. “What happened?” I ask. “I think you started freaking out over your audition” Ethan guess. “No, I already had my audition” I tell them as I try to remember what happened. My head starts to throb. “I have a massive headache though” I say as I rub my head. I watch Ethan look around to see everyone in the drama club struggling to get up. They all seem to be in a daze. New girl is nowhere to be found. I see all of the destruction. “Did I do this?” I ask. I feel like I already know the answer. Ethan gives me a sad look. “Well we don’t know for sure...” Benny tries to make me feel better. I’m scared. I’m afraid of myself. I hate this. “Benny, I wanna go home” I tell him. “We should probably run you past Grandma” He says as he helps me up. I fall into him. “Sorry. I’m a little dizzy” I say trying to regain my balance. “It’s okay. I’ve got you” He says holding me.

Benny kept a hand on my back making sure I was okay no matter how many times I said I was fine. I just had a little bit of a headache. Benny, Ethan, and I made our way up Benny’s porch and into his living room. “Grandma!” Benny yells. I quickly shush my loud mouth boyfriend. I hated telling him to be quiet, but my head was pounding. “Sorry! Grandma!” He whisper yelled as he walked off to find her. I cracked a smile. Ethan walked to the freezer and came back with an ice pack. “Here try this” He said. “Thanks” I say taking the ice pack and placing it on my head. “I wonder what happened to the new girl” I think aloud. “What new girl?” He asks. “There was a new girl in drama club. I think her name was like Emily Sirven or something like that. She’s really annoying. She disappeared when the little earthquake hit. It probably freaked her out” I tell him. “Little earthquake?” I hear Benny’s Grandma come down the stairs with Benny following not far behind her. “My dear, your little earthquake was big enough to make the news” She informs me. “What?!” I ask. I quickly check my phone and she’s right. “I completely blacked out. I don’t even remember it” I confess. “This is worse than I thought” She walks up to me. “Were you wearing your bracelet?” She asks. I nod. She picks up my hand and waves some magic that I won’t pretend to understand over my wrist. “It’s still intact” She says in surprise. “Isn’t that a good thing?” Benny asks. “On the contrary. You must have gone through something truly terrible if you were able to cause an earthquake that scale while wearing your bracelet” She says. I look down at the floor and look up again at her in confusion and fear. “Why don’t I remember anything?” I ask. “Your brain must be protecting you. Maybe the black out was a defense mechanism” She guesses. “I wouldn’t worry about it right now at least.” She tells us. “Something is definitely going on, but we can’t do anything about it this minute” She adds. I sigh. How can I not worry about it right now?

I wake up the next day dreading going to school. The whole day went by so slowly. I just wanted it all to end so I could finally get to movie night at Ethan’s with my friends. I just wanted it to be me, a can of soda, a couple bowls of popcorn, a sci-fi movie, and my best friends. That was the only thought getting me through the day.

By the time we got to lunch I was so ready to leave school. Usually I liked school. I enjoyed learning and I loved seeing my friends even more, but today I felt like the life was just being drained from me. I was in the lunch line with Benny when I saw her again. She was right in front of me. She was humming quietly. It was so infuriating. I had never been angrier. I couldn’t help, but think about the stuff she said to me at the auditions. I had to say something. I could feel this fire boiling in my blood. “Hey, what’s your problem?!” I ask her. Benny looks at me confusion, but I don’t care. Then he grabs my arm gently. “Cool it sparky!” He says in sort of a whisper yell. I look at him with confusion and then I look to the stove. The flames are out of control and the lunch ladies are rapidly trying to put them out. “How did I-“ I’m interrupted by Emily. She pushes me to the ground. “Stay out of my way geek” She sneers. The second she touches me it feels like a thousand knives are being stabbed into my brain. All I can hear is a loud screeching noise. I watch the water fountain on the other side of the cafeteria explode as I scream. Other kids in the cafeteria freak out and take cover from the water. They don’t notice what’s happening to me. I curl my body into a ball as tears start to form in my eyes. My ears are ringing. Benny wraps his arms around me as he tries to speak to me. I can’t hear him and I start to panic. Everything is too much. I can feel the earth below me start to shake and I can feel the heat of the flames in the kitchen next to me. I feel everything. I feel too much. Benny holds me tightly. I hide my face in his chest. I black out.

I shoot awake. My breathing is heavy and I have sweat dripping down my body. I’m in the nurse’s office. I watch as Benny quickly puts his hands on my shoulders to calm me down. He tries to talk to me, but I still can’t hear him. I look outside to see it’s pouring down rain. A flash of lightening hits the ground and the thunder shakes the whole room. I stare out the window breathing heavy. Benny understands and he places a kiss on my forehead before helping me off the cot and out of the nurse’s office. I don’t know where we’re going or what’s happening, but I can’t really ask. Benny leads me to my locker. He opens it and fills my backpack for me. I watch him silently. I try to stay calm as I worry about if my hearing will ever come back. I zone out and suddenly I find Benny putting my arms into my coat. He pulls it around me and zippers it up for me. I watch him sling my backpack over his shoulder. Then he puts my hood up before taking my hand and guiding me outside and through the storm. I jump at a bolt of lightening as I press my body to his. He holds me close as we walk home in the rain.

As soon as we got to Ethan and Benny’s houses we stopped by Benny’s for clothes. Our clothes were wet from the rain. I sat on his bed in soaked clothes while Benny quickly closed the shades in his room to make it darker for me. I think he’s trying not to overload my senses. Then I waited for him to find me a new tee shirt to wear. He held up different options he thought I might like. When he held up the shirt with the Captain America shield I made a hand squeezing motion in an effort to silently say ‘Give me give me’. He smiled and tossed me the shirt. I then walked over to his dresser and sprayed the shirt with the cologne Benny wears that he had stolen from his dad. He gave me a confused look. “I want it to smell like you” I tried to speak. It must have come out as a yell because Benny quickly put his finger to my lips. I could see him laughing at me. I looked up at him as he smiled down at me. I smiled back. Then I pulled his hand away. He gave me a quick kiss and then I changed into his shirt. He changed and we walked next door to Ethan’s.

As soon as we got to Ethan’s Benny led me into Ethan’s closet and shut the door. He probably just wants to help my senses. I started thinking about the time Ethan lost his hearing and he had to sit in his own closet. Then I had a big realization. “Guys I think it might be a Siren!” I said through the door. Benny opened the door with a small white board and a marker. I laughed a little, at least I think I did. I couldn’t hear it, but I obviously felt it. Written on the board was ‘Does this help?’ I nodded. He erased it. He exchanged a few words with Ethan. He seemed to be telling him what to write. Then Benny wrote ‘We think it’s a Siren too’. Ethan and Benny kept talking. I couldn’t hear them. “It’s probably that new girl” I said in what was probably more of a shout again. I watch the boys nod. “Her name was Emily Sirven” I inform them. Ethan takes the board from Benny’s hands. He quickly writes ‘Well Sirven does sound a lot like Siren’. My jaw drops. “Hey, I was a little too preoccupied blacking out or maybe I would have noticed it sooner!” I definitely shouted that time. Benny takes a phone call while Ethan sits with me. He writes on the white board ‘You should probably get your hearing back soon’. “Probably?!” I question him. Benny comes back and takes my hand. He helps me up and guides me out of Ethan’s room. “Where are we going?” I ask. “My house” I see Benny mouth the words. “Your house?” I ask. He nods. We’re probably screaming.

Once we get to Benny’s house I sit down in his kitchen. I feel someone come up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I flinch. Benny takes my hand and mouths something I can’t quite understand. I turn around to see it’s just his Grandma. I smile. Her and Benny have a short conversation. I can only assume it’s about what happened to me. Next thing I knew I had Benny putting a pair of noise cancelling headphones on my ears. Benny’s Grandma then touched my head and I could feel a rush of magic go through me. Suddenly I could hear the sound of the blood pumping through my ears, you know the deafening sound you hear when you have noise counseling headphones on. I try to take the headphones off, but Benny puts his hands over mine. Instead he writes a message on a piece of paper. ‘You just got your hearing back all at once. It’s going to be very loud’. I nod. “So when can I take these off?” I suddenly hear how loud my voice was. I must have given a pretty socked face because I can hear Benny laugh through the headphones. I leave them on for a little bit longer. Then I start getting used to letting in more sound little by little.

Benny and I lay on the couch while we watch Supernatural with the subtitles on. He keeps the volume low for me. The headphones are off as this point, but I’m still getting used to having my hearing back. Benny looks down at me, tucking some hair behind my ear and out of my face. “How’s everything?” Benny asks. “It’s a lot better, but I’m still a little freaked out” I confess. “None of the stuff that happened today was your fault” He tried to tell me. “I know...it’s just....I’ve never controlled fire with my powers before...and the rain storm...was that me?” I ask. “Grandma thinks it might be, but you remember what happened last time with Serena. Sirens make your emotions all crazy. It’s not your fault” He reminds me. “Why do Sirens always pick dumb names that just sound like Siren. Like Serena, Sirven, come on. That is so stupid” I laugh. “Yeah what’s up with that? It’s like they’re saying please stop me I’m evil” Benny says as the credits role for the episode. We turn off the TV and decide to head back to Ethan’s for movie night.

I lay on the floor in Benny’s arms. His back is against the couch. Sarah, Ethan, and Rory sit on the couch while Jane is asleep in the chair next to us. Erica is nowhere to be found, probably out for a snack. She didn’t usually join our movie nights. I wish she did. We were watching a what was supposed to be a scary movie, but the only person who was scared was Rory. “Rory, how can you be afraid of this crap? You’re a vampire. You could easily suck that serial killer’s blood. You’re like way scarier than him” I tell him. “Really?” He asks. “Duh” I laugh. “You could beat Bill and his creepy lady with the knife any day” I promise him. “Awesome” I hear Rory say to himself under his breath. I smile as my comment seems to make him feel a little better. I’m exhausted. I guess it’s fair since I did almost rip the entire school apart today. After a long day I fall asleep in Benny’s arms. I don’t wake up until it’s time to go home and go to bed.

I woke up the next day and I knew what I had to do. Tonight is the cabaret. I had to go into dress rehearsal this afternoon and record Emily. Lucky enough I had gotten into the cabaret. I even had the big solo in the group number. If I’m being honest I’m pretty excited. I cannot let a Siren ruin it for me. I changed out of Benny’s shirt and got into the shower. I slept in his shirt. It makes me feel secure. Once I was out of the shower I threw on makeup and changed into something nice. Then I put on my shoes and headed out the door. I was a little nervous, but this was nothing I couldn’t handle and nothing my bracelet couldn’t keep down. Benny wanted to come with me to the dress rehearsal, but I assured him I could handle it on my own. All I have to do is keep my ear plugs in and get a recording of Emily. It’s pretty hard to mess that up, besides I’ve been feeling a little fragile and useless lately because of my newfound powers. I just wanna feel strong again.

The dress rehearsal went perfectly as planned. I got the recording and everything was fine. Now we just have to play it back at her during the cabaret. This could be a little harder. A couple hours passed and the auditorium started to fill up. I was happy the drama club was making so much money, but at the same time I was nervous about what could happen to all of these people. I was scheduled to go on right before Emily. Benny stood backstage with me while Ethan, Rory, Erica, and Sarah we’re getting ready for the fight. “You’re going to be fine” Benny says. “Just fine?” I ask with a laugh. “You’re going to be awesome!” Benny responds. I smile at my boyfriend. What did I do to deserve him? He can be annoying, loud, and obnoxious, but he is also sweet, funny, and a total nerd. He’s perfect for me. Ms. LOL signals for me to cone on stage and I quickly kiss Benny for good luck before walking on. I stand in front of my mic and belt my heart out. I look to the wings at Benny and get lost in the moment. Sarah, Erica, Ethan, and Rory are standing with him. No matter how much has changed and no matter how scary my life is right now I’m so happy doing what I love in front of the people that I love. Right now is the best I’ve felt in a long time. I don’t just feel safe. I feel free.

As soon as I finish the song applause roars through the audience. This does not make Emily happy. She tears onto the stage in fury. She starts to spread her gift. She sings her piercing toon, but she can’t effect me this time. I have ear plugs in. “Why can’t you feel my pain?” She asks. “Why don’t you feel this?” Ethan asks as he plays her own frequency back at her. She screams in pain. She pushes the speaker over and pushes me to the ground. Then she continues to sing. Ethan and Rory run to the sound system while Sarah and Erica try to fight Emily. Benny runs to me. “Are you okay?” He asks. “No!” I shout as I pound my fist into the stage and it shakes. “Liz, it’ll be okay” Benny promises me. I know it will. “I’m tired of feeling weak!” I shout over Emily’s noise. I stand up and I take off my bracelet and nothing goes wrong for once. “What are you doing?” Benny asks. “I’m in control” I say before shooting air from my hands. I shoot Emily with the air and keep her held to the ground long enough for Ethan to set up the sound system. Then he blasts her and she’s done. I collapse onto my knees and Benny runs to me. I watch the curtains close while everyone wears confused faces. They all try to figure out what’s going on. “How did you do that?” Benny asks as he slips my bracelet back onto my wrist. “When I was doing what I loved in front of the people that I loved I just had this emotion that was greater than any fear or any anger or any sadness I could have ever felt. Benny, I think love and happiness give me control” I smile. “You give me control” I tell him as I place my hand on his cheek. He smiles at me and we kiss. Erica makes a gagging noise. I smile and pull away. “Shut up” I tell her. “All I’m saying is that you could do a lot better” She says in her usual tone. I wrap my arms around my boyfriend and smile. Sarah elbows Erica in the arm. “Ow!” Erica exclaims. “But...” Sarah starts for her. “But I’m glad you’re...happy” Erica says through gritted teeth. Benny and I laugh it off. I look at him. “Don’t worry. You’re the best I could ever do” I say before kissing him again. Then we stand up and sit in the back of the auditorium while Ms. LOL apologizes for the weird show. This is just like the Rainbow Factory all over again. We decide to book it and hit the ice cream place on the way home. I sat on the bench under the neon lights with my best friends as I sipped my Chocolate Oreo Malt with my boyfriend’s arm around me. I knew nothing could be better than this.

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breelandwalker · 4 years

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{{ Hey Mama Bree! Forgive me if I've gotten confused, but I think you've said that you have ADHD, right? And work in an office environment? I just got my first office job, and I'm really quite excited to start! But it's a lot of data processing, and I was wondering if you have any tips on how to go about that as someone with ADHD, or if you have any quick crap-I-forgot-to-prep spell ideas to help out. You always give the best advice, so I thought I'd ask. Thank you so much! ~rwt-mystic-corner

You are correct on both counts! A lot of my day job does include data processing, and it doesn’t help that I’m basically in a fishbowl at a spot where my coworkers like to congregate and chat. Distractions are inevitable, but I do have ways of coping.

First, make sure your supervisor, or at least your HR department, knows that you have ADHD. If it’s something that’s going to affect your work, or if you need any sort of accommodations, you can ask for them under the Americans With Disabilities Act. And yes, ADHD does count.

Assess your workspace and the surrounding area. What can be done to limit or eliminate distractions? Can you request to wear headphones to block out ambient noise or office chatter? Are you allowed to put up a polite sign asking coworkers not to disturb you when you’re working on a particularly intensive task? If you’re in a high-traffic area, could you maybe be moved to somewhere quieter where interruptions are less frequent?

Ask your supervisor, and if they’re not amenable, ask your HR dept for an ADA accommodations form. They have to give you one if you request it, and your workplace must comply with any reasonable request you might make. Headphones, relocation, and most ergonomic requests are considered very reasonable.

Ask for work instructions for your position. If they don’t exist, take extensive notes during your training. I had to do this for my current position, and I ended up writing a work instruction document that was used to train my replacement when I was promoted. I still use this system when I encounter new tasks or some new variation or changes in procedure.

For your part, try to eliminate distractions from your desktop, or at least move them out of your immediate view. If you have fidget toys, maybe put them in a drawer or just out of reach when working. Make a To-Do list when you have a lot of tasks on deck to help you prioritize and remember everything.

I use a water clock to refocus myself if I’m getting overwhelmed. It’s a cheap little thing that runs for about two minutes. The motion and the colors are very soothing, and it reminds me to breathe and clear my head. Then I can get back to work. Sometimes just the motion of turning the clock over is enough to get me back on track.

If you can, get up and stretch every 2-3 hours. This prevents brain fog and keeps your energy up. Chewing gum helps with focus too. If possible, bring veggie sticks to crunch on or keep a protein bar or some other healthy nonperishable snack in a sealed container in your drawer. (Do NOT tell your coworkers about your stash.) Oh and HYDRATE. A dehydrated brain is an unfocused brain.

If you’re allowed to have headphones in, make sure you pick something to listen to that’s not going to distract you further. (For instance, I can listen to audiobooks and podcasts all day, but music with lyrics distracts me something terrible because it starts the Association Game in my head and then I’m off down the rabbit hole.)

Another thing that helps on the daily is starting yourself off on the right foot. Whenever I oversleep or hit Snooze too many times, I start my day feeling rushed and disorganized, and it’s hard to recover from that. Set out as many things as you can the night before. Take a shower, make your lunch, lay out your clothes, charge your phone, have your keys and accoutrements together, tape a note to the front door with any pertinent reminders. Restrict yourself to Getting Ready For Work tasks when you get up. If there’s something else that needs doing, write yourself a note to do it later. If it’s not covered in bugs, actively on fire, shitting on the carpet, or likely to cause imminent harm, it can probably wait until after work.

Not much magic on this one, I’m afraid. Just a lot of life hacks! But I hope they help!

Congrats on your new job! Go forth and conquer!

#beyondthetemples #Bree answers your inquiries

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jawnjendes · 4 years

Text

can’t see in the stormy weather | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

NOTE: this is NOT the new series. this is a one shot that takes place during the early stages of their relationship... you’ll find it in the Season 1 section of the masterlist :)

goth gf playlist | masterlist

When Shawn asked me to make a playlist describing who I am, I almost threw myself back to California. I don't know what it is about people wanting to know things about me, but it's annoying. I detest it.

It's not like he made me a playlist full of sappy love songs. He just wanted to hear songs I identify with. That was borderline terrifying because Shawn is a musician. He lives and breathes music and analyzing lyrics and melodies. What's he going to think if he finds Halsey's "Without Me" or 5SOS's "Invisible?"

Oh yeah. I deeply project whatever bits of me I discover onto songs. Then I stick to those songs and keep them on repeat and I make sure no one knows about them because then people would know things about me. It's irrational and unrealistic but that's how my stupid brain works. Anyone who's ever known me needs to disappear! They can't have the luxury of knowing me and all my secrets! What the fuck would I do if Shawn and I broke up? I'd have to kill him, that's what.

"What, are you gonna kill me too if we stop being friends?" Stella asked. "Seriously, it's just a playlist. It doesn't have to be that deep."

"I told you what the prompt was, right?" I replied.

"Yeah. And that is because Shawn knows you don't verbally express yourself about… anything. So he gave you a different outlet."

Fuck, I thought I was the psychology major here.

Yes, it was easier to let Shawn in through ways where I didn't have to say things out loud and explicitly. I had to admit that. But he was still going to find out things I had yet to tell him. Important things apart from the anxiety and semi-regular therapy sessions.

"Why don't you just pick generic songs you like, and not the ones that reveal too much?" Stella suggested.

I scoffed. "I'm closed off, I'm not a liar."

"It's not lying. Everyone's favorite song means something. I was listening to Big Time Rush when I touched down on Toronto for the first time. Everytime I hear Boyfriend I think about how I successfully made it out of my parents' house."

As nice as that sentiment was, I couldn't bring myself to find ways around the prompt. I had to do what Shawn said: compile a bunch of songs that I feel represent who I am. Besides, making playlists is… really fucking fun.

It took an hour of adding, removing, and very specific placements, but I was happy about my playlist to the point where I was nervous. I sent the link to Shawn the next morning when I knew he was on the way to the gym. Figured he’d listen to it during his morning workout and get it overwith. But no.

No.

Basically, I’m a fool who forgets she’s dating a musician.

So here I was, thinking that Shawn would make of what he will about the songs I chose and we would never talk about it. Wow, was I fucking wrong. How did I not expect Shawn to want to know the why?

He was a little sneaky about it too. Shawn invited me over to his place after my classes, and why the fuck would I say no to that? Of course I went over, internally cursing myself for not shaving my legs the night before. He usually had the TV on and a steaming mug of chamomile ready for me whenever I came over no matter the circumstance. Today there was only tea, and a stupidly excited Shawn.

“We have music to listen to you today!” he said when he had me on his couch.

He knew I wouldn’t play dumb either. And because of the fact that I was looking at his stupid beautiful face, I couldn’t move away from this topic.

“Cool…” I said stiffly.

Jet Black Heart - Live

He pulled up the playlist, which I had titled with the black heart emoji, and hit shuffle. Completely going against the very intricate order I put each song in. He was surprised to hear an audience screaming at the first song, but he recognized the tune that came shortly after.

“Why’d you pick this one?” he asked, his arm going around the back of the couch, watching me with his stupid pretty eyes.

I chuckled. “It’s a goth joke! Everything about me is dark, even my heart!”

“And there’s a hurricane underneath it?” Shawn guessed. He really was going to pick apart the lyrics and apply them to me, huh? “Any reason why it’s the live version?”

The answer wasn’t anything too telling or cheesy. It was still hard to maintain eye contact as I explained. “Stella introduced me to this band. She dragged me to a 5SOS concert and now it’s our tradition to see them whenever they tour.”

“Is this your favorite song?”

“Live, yeah. It just reminds me of feeling so alive. Concerts are the only times I feel that way.”

Shawn grinned at the sentiment. He seemed happy with that answer and sang along to the rest of the song.

“And there’s your deep shit of the day,” I said when it ended.

“I want more.”

What I’m Made Of…

I felt a tiny pit in my stomach. I knew this song, and I knew that Shawn did not know this song. He was looking down at the album cover on his phone, thinking to himself. Then, he turned to me expectantly.

“So…?”

“Just enjoy the lyrics and the sick guitar solo.”

He was quiet for a minute. “Well, I do get your vibes from it. But you’re also reluctant to show me what you’re made of.”

I hesitated. “It’s uh, a battle song. I’ll fight someone for trying to forcibly take anything from me.”

“Like if somebody jumped you?”

“Physically, mentally, emotionally. Yeah.”

Again, silence. “You gonna fight me?”

I knew he was joking, and I cracked a grin. “Jury’s out.”

“Any reasoning behind this soundtrack?” He showed me the cover, and I internally tried not to panic.

I had plucked the song off the wrong album, and now Shawn knew I was a fan of a certain speedy blue creature.

So much for being cool and mysterious. I’m just a fucking nerd now.

“Nah, not at all,” I casually replied.

Honestly, I enjoyed this song. I love this song. Why else would it be on this playlist? But just this once, I wanted to skip to the next one.

And when the next one came, I wanted to skip again.

I Am… All of Me

“Do, do you kin a certain hedgehog?” Shawn asked, once again amused by the album cover.

“No…” I resisted rolling my eyes.

“This song definitely sounds like you. Tell me, am I dating a hedgehog?”

Suddenly, this felt less nerve wracking and more annoying. I sighed heavily.

“I thought you wanted to know more about me.”

He chuckled. “Hey, I’m trying. I’m interpreting all these songs in whatever way I can because you won’t explain them to me. Plus, this song is from a video game.”

“Did it occur to you that maybe I like the game this song came from? Maybe I casually like this whole franchise because-” I stopped myself upon seeing Shawn’s face light up, like he wanted me to go on.

But no, he made fun of me. This song is now void, and he will not get an answer.

“Because?” he coaxed.

“Because nothing.” I grabbed his phone out of his hand and skipped to the next song.

Without Me

“Oh, who hurt you?”

“You already know that story. Next!”

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color.

Shawn looked at me for a moment, still trying to analyze the fuck out of my song choice. “I gotta say, I was expecting more goth music. You listen to a lot of mainstream artists.”

“There’s no rule saying I can’t. Mainstream artists are popular for a reason.”

“Touche. So why this song?”

“It’s what people think I am. Grumpy, bitter, always in black.”

"But that's not all you are." Shawn held his hand out to me, and I took it. He looked down at my chipped polish, running his fingers over my nails. "I mean, you are grumpy. Bitter? No, I'd say realistic. Always in black? Yeah, and you look beautiful all the time because you feel good in it."

That last part struck me. At least I didn't look odd to him. He didn't fall for the tough exterior I've built for myself. That little fact was both touching and terrifying.

"I know there's more to you than the way you dress yourself. It's why I like you so much." He grinned.

Cry With a Smile

"There's the goth metal you were looking for!" I exclaimed.

"Mm, your sense of belonging, as you put it. I know all about this already."

And he skipped to the next song.

A Little Too Much

Shawn perked up a little bit, a smile growing on his face. Then he looked at me, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Is that me?"

Now my cheeks burned. "Yeah. This song feels like a callout."

"Babe…" He was still smiling as he leaned in to cup my face and kiss my forehead.

"Yeah, can you believe? I get tired of being a hardass sometimes." I was only half joking.

Not a lot of people knew my deal with anxiety and depression, much less why they intensified over the last couple of years. The urge to tell Shawn everything was beginning to form in my throat but I kept pushing it down. He looked too happy, and I didn't want to bring that down.

"You don't have to be a hardass around me," he said sweetly. "Actually, please don't be a hardass around me, okay? Everyone has their limits."

Then, he skipped to the next song, because he was sick of his own voice.

Fist Bump

Shawn looked at me once again, a grin on his face. Here we go again.

“I’m noticing a trend here.”

“I like this franchise, okay?”

“Okay, kinnie.”

I rolled my eyes and sat back, scrolling on my phone to diffuse the frustration. What was the point if he was just going to make fun of me?

“Hey.” Shawn gently placed his hand over my phone, getting me to put it down. “I’m only kidding. You can laugh.”

My eyes narrowed.

“I’m serious! Look, maybe if you just tell me what these songs mean to you, I’ll understand better. Just give me a chance.”

His eyes didn’t show any bit of deceit… But that’s how they all are. And everytime, I’m always a fool. So I sighed and tried not to cringe at my own words.

“It’s lame… and stupid… and really stupid. But all those silly little video game songs? They…” I exhaled, and chipped at my nails. “You know I deal with… anxiety and everlasting sadness…”

“You mean depression?” Shawn corrected.

“Yeah, whatever,” I went on. “The world is full of some real shit, and, and the songs and the games…” I made a face and looked down. “They’re comforting.”

It was silent for a minute before a hand went and cupped my chin. I was met with Shawn’s eyes and glowing smile. But then he opened his mouth and the most baby baby voice came out.

“Does Sonic make yew feew bettew?”

I smacked his hand away. “I swear to-”

But I didn’t finish that statement because he tackled me in a hug.

“Kidding, kidding! I’m sorry, baby, that was the last one, I promise!” He kissed the side of my head before leaning back to look at me. “I think it’s really cute you like this series.”

“It’s not cute, it’s self care,” I mumbled.

Head Above Water

“Finally, a song I know!” Shawn exclaimed, and he dove into singing along.

I forgot I put that one on the playlist. I meant to take it off. It only made me more nervous that Shawn already knew this song. He was one step closer to unlocking the big one.

He sounded beautiful as he sang, lost in the melancholy melody. I watched him, trying not to give anything away through my face alone. It was getting harder to keep it together, just from the little things I had already told Shawn.

And so came the inevitable expectant look. “So? Depression? Religion?”

Part of me wanted to let him think that. Depression is common, it’s easier to explain than the real reason. Besides, it’s not a lie. I do have my dark days, and even darker periods. But depression isn’t the reason for this song.

“Nope,” I replied.

“You know, Avril Lavigne wrote this when she was really sick.”

Dammit, he does know what this song is about.

I sighed heavily. “How do I put this in a way that doesn’t sound scary or pathetic?”

“You’re sick,” Shawn guessed with a chuckle. But the look on my face changed the mood, and he went serious. “How bad are we talking?”

“I get sick… every so often,” I explained. “It’s nothing scary, it’s just… chronic IBS. I can manage it, I just have to be careful with what I eat.”

He nodded as he listened. “So it’s not that bad, but it’s enough for you to have a whole song about being sick?”

I hesitated. “There’s another song, actually.”

“Two?” Shawn shifted in his seat. “So that must mean it’s a bigger deal to you than you’re making it out to be.”

And he thinks he doesn’t know me well enough.

I didn’t like talking about my health problems, unless it was with my doctor. I didn’t talk about how annoying all this shit was outside my therapist’s office. Anytime I felt frustrated about food, I talked myself down because it could literally be worse. Why would I whine about something so mundane?

“You know you don’t have to tone it down for me,” Shawn added when I stayed quiet for too long. “And, if it helps… now I understand why you read restaurant menus so carefully.”

“Like I said, I have to be careful.” My voice went thick for a moment, so I coughed. “I eat the wrong thing, and I end up sleeping in the bathroom til the wrong thing is out.”

“So it’s frustrating to deal with this all the time?”

“Yeah… and I spent two and a half years not knowing what was wrong with me, two and a half years going to the doctor more times than a young adult should for their age… two and a half years thinking I might die…”

Shawn’s eyes widened. “Years?”

“We went to a doctor in Mexico, and he finally diagnosed me with IBS,” I explained. “But that was after the words ‘lymphoma’ and ‘tumor’ were thrown into the mix. It’s not really something you forget. Oh, and I hate vomiting. I hate it so much that I can’t be in the same room as someone who might be queasy. So that’s annoying.”

“Wow…”

I suddenly felt a little self conscious. “I know it’s stu-”

“If you say stupid one more time,” Shawn cut me off. “This is the least stupid thing you could be talking about right now.”

“My anxiety links back to food, too. Think that’s important to mention.”

“Is that why you always want to go back to your dorm after a dinner date?”

Oof, so he noticed. I stayed quiet, so Shawn continued.

“I can take care-”

“No,” I said immediately. The last thing I needed was my boyfriend seeing me have a meltdown because I ate something spicy. The last thing I needed was for anyone to see me have an anxiety attack after vomiting. “It’s not your job.”

Shawn reached over to cup my cheek. Only then did I realize I had been tearing up, and he was wiping it away.

I turned my head away, dabbing at my eyes with my sweater sleeves. I didn’t want to look pathetic and I failed.

“I have to ask,” he said after a moment, “have you gotten sick at all since we started dating?”

“It is a chronic illness that I have.”

“And you just… you just took care of yourself? While you were sleeping in the bathroom?”

“Like I’ve always done since I left home.”

“Impressive. I always call my mom when I feel sick, and she comes over every time.”

I was honestly surprised. I was expecting him to be upset because I never called him in my time of need. And that alone, made more tears well up in my eyes.

“Hey,” he said, scooting closer to me. “It’s okay. You probably went through a lot before you got diagnosed. It’s frustrating, I can see it weighing on your shoulders. Just tell me if there’s anything I can do for you.”

I could feel him looming over me, waiting for me to fall back in his arms. The song had long since ended, and it wasn’t about the playlist anymore. Shawn was just waiting for me to do something. I couldn’t bear to look at him, because his kindness and understanding would make me break even more. He really was too kind, far more than I expected.

Even when I said nothing, and he took out his phone. I thought he got bored, but his next prompt made me look up at him.

“Okay, so that barbeque restaurant we went to the other night, we had spicy buffalo wings for an appetizer, so we won’t have those again. Any other food that might make you sick?”

I stared for a moment before I caught another tear with my sleeve. “Um… can we skip that whole restaurant? Barbeque and my stomach don’t mix.”

Shawn typed, and the only sound in the room was his clicking keyboard. “Got it. No more barbeque. Any other place or food to avoid?”

“It’s a long list…”

“That’s why I’m writing it down.”

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @ruinhoney @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #damn look at dis shit #xmas came a little late lmao #im a lil soft for shawn rn so yea

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beaufortswan42 · 4 years

Text

The Forks P.3

Beau’s POV

“Hey beau! Welcome to Casa Newton! I’ll hang your coat” McKayla cheerfully said. I was told to arrive after school so we could get started with rehearsals. Her house was cozy and seemed more life a vacation cottage than an actual house. “Wow this is a nice home McKayla. It’s all very cozy.” I said while looking at the family pictures on their wall. Baby pictures, birthdays, middle school graduation. Next to the wall was a hall of fame dedicated to their family’s sport accomplishments. Trophies from all different sports and even a few medals with the Newton name.

“Wow, no wonder you’re so good at sports, it runs in your family” I turned to look for McKayla but I froze when I saw her, one leg crossed over the other, sitting calmly on her couch, watching me with a coquettish expression blazed in her eyes.

She softly smiled and let her eyes roam my body. It was the most awkward minute of my entire existence. “Oh thank you beau and yes we have quite the knack for sports. Come and sit down while we wait for the others. There’s no need to be shy, come sit.” McKayla gestured at the seat next to her on the couch. I sat on the other side, praying she didn’t get any ideas. As rude as this seems I didn’t want her to get the wrong impression. McKayla is a pretty girl, if you’re into the cheerleader type but I don’t consider her my type. My only type is a certain girl, skin tone pale as the winter snow with bronze metallic hair, and the most stunning golden eyes I’ve ever gazed upon. I just wish Edythe felt the same about me. The only contact we’ve had was yesterday in bio when she tried to kill me with her fiery golden orbs. But in regards to McKayla I really don’t want to lose a friend over a girl. I know Jeremy has been crushing on her for awhile now. It would be a clear violation of the bro code if I went out with her. But I also don’t like hurting people’s feelings so I need to find a way to let her down gently before things progress any further.

“My family has always been known to be talented in all things physical.” The double meaning was definitely understood. “But enough about me let’s talk about you.” She not so subtlety scooted a few inches closer to me.

“Tell me beau, what makes you tick?”

“Excuse me?”

“what do you look for in a girl or better yet what does a girl have to do to get your attention?” She provocatively said, lust and desire reflecting off her tone of voice.

Uh what? I thought. My face producing red blotches of mortification and timidity.

“Uhhh I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. What did you say?” I pretended I didn’t hear her burning questions as I desperately prayed for the rest of the band to show up. Where in the hell is Allen and Jeremy? If they don’t get here soon I’m going to have to run out when she’s not looking. I hope she doesn’t jump on the hood of my truck. I hope she’s not the type to jump on a moving car. Maybe I can call in sick as well? Maybe I can- what is she doing? I nervously thought to myself as she put her head on my shoulder. I didn’t realize she had completely scooted right next to me while I was in between my inner monologue. I need to get out of here fast...her hand is rubbing on my knee but how do I go about this? Do I push her away?! I’ve never pushed a girl before but there’s a first time for everything if she keeps this up. My hands were already clammy, I could feel the sweat falling off my forehead. I needed to react fast! Then it suddenly occurred to me. That’s it!

“Uhhh hey McKayla can I use your bathroom? I had a lot of water today, like a-aaaa ton of water and I really need to go.” I nervously stuttered to her as I quickly jumped from my seat.

“Um ok, yeah uhh-yeah sure it’s down the hall to the left.” She disappointedly mumbled as she sat back on the couch. I rushed to the bathroom, locking the door quickly and looked at myself in the mirror. Blue eyes and messy short curls staring back at a nervous teenage boy who just avoided getting kissed by one of the most popular girls in school. “What do girls even see in me? I’m not even that cute! I’m a solid 4 out of 10” I washed my face and hands 3 times and did my best to prolong my bathroom visit at casa newton. But what’s gonna happen when I go out? Will she try again? Or is she outside waiting for me right-

Ding Dong! Ding dong!

Someone above must be looking out for me because the doorbell rang, I could hear Allen and Jeremy walk into the house. I’m not religious but hallelujah, thank you Jesus!

I calmed myself down and made my way to the living room where Allen and Jeremy were talking to McKayla. I could see the look of disappointment and frustration on her face from the moment not going the way she planned it.

“Hey beau, how are you?” Asked Allen as he have me a bro hug. Allen has always been one of the kids I connect with the most at school. We’re both introverts, enjoy many of the same hobbies, activities and books. Every time we hangout we don’t feel the need to fill up every empty moment with conversation. Silence is good and is habitual between us.

“Heyyyy it’s my man beau! The rock god! Are you ready for this bro!!” Jeremy yelled as he enthusiastically shook my shoulders. When he let go I could’ve swore there were two jeremy’s in front of me.

“Alright guys lets not waste time any further, let’s go to the garage and get started!” I could tell that Jeremy was very pumped for this, even Allen was more hyped than McKayla who was giving me dirty looks for rejecting her advances. I didn’t mean to be arrogant but I only have eyes for one girl. The same girl who wants nothing to do with me.

I followed everyone to the garage and marveled at the instruments before me. There was a set of drums in the back that were perfectly polished, the guitar and bass looked like they came from a special edition collection. I was admiring the 80s synth keyboard when suddenly McKayla came up to me and gave me what looked like sheet music.

“Ok beau we’re going to perform teenage dirtbag by Wheatus. Here are the lyrics...and yeah that’s pretty much it...any questions? no? Ok great! Lets rock!” McKayla cheerfully said as we took it from the top.

...

We spent the rest of the evening rehearsing and going over everything to make sure it was smooth for everyone. I practiced my vocals, Allen was a master on the guitar, McKayla drove the rhythm with her bass and Jeremy controlled the beat with his drumming style. I must admit that I started feeling more comfortable with my singing and with the idea of performing. If Edythe was there I could use this song to somehow communicate how I feel about her. It’s definitely a step out of my comfort zone, but maybe this is what I need to get some closure if she decides not to talk to me again. The idea of the song itself reminded me of Edythe. The most interesting girl getting crushed on by the dorky new kid; yeah that’s definitely my scenario, minus the boyfriend. I wonder how she will react or if she’ll even be there. Would she like it? Would she know I’m indirectly singing to her? All these questions in my head with no answers.

“Woooooo!!! we sound really good guys! If we don’t win then I’m moving to Canada.” McKayla said, her bubbly personality coming back despite the certain situation that occurred a few hours ago. Jeremy matched her enthusiasm and gave her a hug while saying “oh don’t worry we will win! These other acts are just cheap chumps, it’s smooth sailing from here. All we have to do is control the crowd and rock out like never before. Which means beau you have to bring your A game. You can’t be nervous or stuttering...also please don’t faint.”

“Don’t listen to him beau you’ll do great, you sound awesome...it’ll be ok” Allen assured me as we walked to the front door. I grabbed my coat and we were out the door when McKayla reminded us to come by tomorrow again at the same time for rehearsal before Friday. There’s no way in hell I was coming first again. I learned my lesson. I made it my personal mission to come along with the guys.

“Oh wait before I forget what’s the name of the band?” I asked the group before I got in my car.

“We’re called the forks!” McKayla proudly stated as she walked over to me.

“I’m sorry....what? Did you say the forks?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What kind of name is that? Now I’m convinced, we would be kicked off the stage.

“Yeah we decided it would show a sign of school spirit and a sense of community.”

“What in the worl- ok I’m sorry guys but I think we should change the name before we go up on stage. If I’m honest the name is terrible and we will be laughed off the stage. In fact they’ll probably throw tomatoes before we perform.” I gently said to them so I wouldn’t hurt their feelings. I thought of how much more Edythe would dislike me if she found out I was in a band called “the forks” I couldn’t bear to see her and her family’s reaction. I was convinced that she would ignore me even more than before.

“Well the deadline is in a few days for name changes so how about-“

“I think the name sounds cool and gives us an edge with the judges” Jeremy defensively said in order to side with McKayla. We could’ve been called diapers and Jeremy would still go with it so he could get McKayla to like him. Before I could answer, McKayla’s dad arrived which means that it was almost past my curfew so I had to race back and beat Charlie. To bad my truck doesn’t go past 65 mph. I thankfully got home a few minutes before Charlie, ate some cereal and decided to call it a night. “Damn, what’s gonna happen on Friday?”

Part of me wanted Edythe to be there but the other half didn’t. The bronze haired beauty definitely seemed like someone who isn’t easily impressed. I could sing with David Bowie, juggle 6 bowling balls and stand on one foot simultaneously and she still wouldn’t be impressed. Fear overtook my body at the thought of her watching me embarrass myself. Me. Beaufort klutzy Swan. On stage. Singing. in front of Edythe-Aphrodite, queen -Cullen. “I’m so gonna fuck it up”.

It felt like I was laying in my bed for hours on a never ending time loop filled with anxiety and pressure. I tried reading but all I read was Edythe’s words from a few weeks ago. I tried listening to the new CD Phil got me, but all I heard was Edythe yelling at me. I pondered more about her and Friday’s event until my eyes started to close and sleep came over me. The last thing I remember was Edythe’s eyes, piercing into my soul. The same scene replaying over and over again. “We shouldn’t be friends...”

#twilight #twilight reimagined #life and death #beau swan #edythe cullen #archie cullen #eleanor cullen #jessamine hale #royal hale #beau x edythe #edythe x beau #the cullens #twilight fanfiction #twilight scenarios #for fun #forks #mckayla newton #carine cullen #earnest cullen

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donteattheappleshook · 4 years

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Of Cars and Bars Chapter 6/13

After literally more than a year and a half, here is chapter 6. In a miraculous turn of events though, Chapter 7 is already written and will be posted next week. Chapter 8 is half done and will be posted the week after that. I promise I have not abandoned this fic.

As always, thank you @kmomof4 for fixing my terrible grammar and being so supportive of this fic <3

Summary:

When Emma Swan is offered the chance to go on tour as an opener for one of the most popular up and coming bands of the decade, the last thing she expects is to find that the lead guitarist is the stranger she had a one night stand with five years ago.

This started out as a smutty two shot about Emma Ruby and Mary Margaret going on a road trip and has evolved into a slow-burn mutual pining angst-fest.

Read it from the beginning on Ao3 and Ffn because tumblr eats all my italics.

Chapter 6 - Roll Away Your Stone

You told me that I would find a home / Within the fragile substance of my soul / And I have filled this void with things unreal / And all the while my character it steals

The first show had gone great, really great actually, better than she’d expected. She’d been so nervous. It had been so long since she’d been up on stage - a real stage, not just open mic night at a bar or a club but a real honest to god show where she got to sing more than one song, where the audience was there for her… well okay, technically they’d been there for Abandon Ship!, but she really felt like she’d won them over in the end. At least that’s the feeling she got from the standing ovation they’d given her.

And to play with Mary Margaret and Ruby, god she’d missed that. When Ruby had told Liam a few weeks ago that they were her band she hadn’t exactly been lying. They were her band, it had just been a very, very long time since they actually backed her up. More than anything, it had been a way for her friends to guarantee that she wouldn’t have to go on this tour alone. But the last time they’d played together they had been teenagers, Emma had just barely gotten her driver’s license; Ruby had braces. She’d missed it. She hadn’t realised how much she’d missed that part of their friendship, how much it had meant to her - before he showed up and ripped it all away.

She’d honestly been really impressed with how quickly her friends had learned her new songs. She had a sneaking suspicion that they may have been secretly watching her little late night skeevy bar shows more often than they’d admitted to. There had been very little discussion about it really though, the songs that is. They couldn’t play most of her old songs for reasons that Emma didn’t like to think about. And well the other ones, the ones she wrote after everything happened, she couldn’t play those. Those hurt worse. And so, they were left with her new songs - well, newer. She hadn’t written much in the last couple of years. Work, life had gotten in the way. It was hard to come home at 5am after a stakeout and find the motivation to sit and write when her bed seemed like such a better option.

It was fun, really fun, to play with her friends, to have people enjoy her music, to see them dance and try to sing along to songs they hadn’t heard before and she got to share that with the most important people in her life.

Tonight was a good night. She was glad that they’d had this show. She’d been worried at first about having to perform only a few hours after they touched ground in LA but Belle knew what she was doing. She’d booked them a performance in some bar that was so non-mainstream that it had become incredibly mainstream but hadn’t put the word out until an hour before the show with a post to the band’s social media accounts. Within thirty minutes they were turning people away at the door. Nothing drew a crowd like exclusivity.

Despite the raging fans, she was happy the show had been in a small venue. It was almost like a dress rehearsal, a trial run to a show tomorrow that would change her life forever. They were playing the Hollywood Bowl, the fucking Hollywood Bowl, the seventeen-thousand-five-hundred seat Hollywood Bowl. The show was sold out.

Emma’s hands clammed up just thinking about it. She hadn’t realised when she’d agreed to go on tour with Abandon Ship! just how big they were. Yes, she knew a few of their songs, had heard them on the radio, had a few of them on her phone, saw their album promoted on Spotify, but somehow she’d failed to grasp just how popular, how famous the guys were rapidly becoming.

Their album was number one in the country - in most countries in fact - and there were rumors of Grammy nominations. The only reason they still managed to have some semblance of anonymity was the fact that their music was - thus far - more popular than their faces, but that was changing too. Emma had googled them… well, she’d googled him. It had started with the band really, but then she’d noticed a few fan sites and then stumbled on “Jones brothers thrist tweets” and then “Killian Jones thirst tweets”. It had been a rabbit hole from there.

She watched them now, playing the final few songs of their set. They looked so good up there, so natural. Liam had an incredible voice. Had he gotten better since she saw them play all those years ago? Or maybe it was just the songs they were playing, the ones everyone knew, the ones that made them famous, everyone was singing along. Every single one of their songs was fantastic, annoyingly so. The music was sometimes exciting and upbeat and lifted your heart up and sometimes it was heart wrenching but the lyrics made her feel like they had been written about specific moments in her own life. They brought back bittersweet memories and she wasn’t sure how to feel about that. She’d never quite connected to anyone else’s music like that. It was jarring.

She could hear Killian singing as well, it seemed they had decided to start sharing the lead singer role since Emma had last seen them play. She was sure he looked great up there too but she couldn’t know for certain since she was actively avoiding looking at him - had been for the last hour and a half - had been since they stepped out of the elevator six hours ago. She remembered though, remembered the last time she watched him play, watched him sing into the microphone like he was trying to seduce it - or at least trying to seduce every woman in the room. Her, she was reminded, he had been trying to seduce her.

She thought again about the show tomorrow, the size of the stadium and the number of people who would be watching and her palms started to sweat. She thought about playing there with Killian watching from backstage and her heart started racing. She stole a glance at him now. Big mistake. Suddenly she was back in the little bar in New York, she was back in the dressing room, and then she was back in the elevator this evening. She clenched her fists. Why had she agreed to this again?

“Hey! Why the long face?” Ruby demanded as she set their drinks down on the table and then threw herself into the booth beside them. “Mary Margaret! Why is she looking like she’s gonna pass out? You were on Emma duty. You’re supposed to be watching her and preventing grand escapes. Look at her! She’s about to bolt.”

Mary Margaret’s eyes snapped up to her friends and her face instantly flushed bright red. “I’m sorry!” she practically squeeked out, “she was fine a minute ago. I was watching the show and I got… distracted.” She was stealthy in her glance but not stealthy enough for Emma (and she suspected Ruby) to miss the way her eyes flickered to David before fluttering around as though she were actively trying to look anywhere else.

Ruby’s grin was enormous. “Mary Margaret, I’m shocked. Ignoring your Emma duties for a pair of pretty blue eyes?”

“I wasn’t -” she tried to defend herself but it fell flat.

Emma smiled despite herself as she watched her friends. Right. This was why she was here. They were why she was here. Wasn’t that always the case, her friends dragging her into insane situations and her left wondering how she’d managed to be dragged?

“If you could all stop talking about me in the third person that would be great,” she said but her annoyance also fell flat. “I can take care of myself,” she grinned, “so Mary Margaret can oggle drummers all she likes.” Her friend turned even redder.

“And what about you, then?” Ruby asked with her own shrewd smirk. “What’s got you in a cold sweat? Is it the show tomorrow or a certain guitarist with a penchant for eyeliner and an aversion to buttons?” Emma just glared at her, which only served to make Ruby laugh. “Thought so.”

They sat through the rest of the show, Emma sulking with her arms crossed over her chest, Mary Margaret actively looking everywhere except the stage, and Ruby throwing them shit-eating grins every chance she got. When the boys were on their last song of the night, Belle hurried over to their table to rush them backstage.

“They’re gonna do one encore, maybe two if they feel up to it, and then we’ll head out the side door where there’s a car waiting for you to take you back to the hotel. There will be people out there, they’re already lined up waiting to get autographs. You don’t have to say or do anything but a little ‘look how much they like their fans’ publicity is never a bad thing. Got it?” She said all this matter of factly, as though it wasn’t absolutely insane that there would be people outside hoping to get her autograph. They couldn’t possibly want hers, Belle must have meant they’d be wanting the boys’ autographs.

Ruby gave Belle a thumbs up and Belle nodded. “Great. I’ll get in the car with you guys and the boys will get in theirs and we’ll meet back at the hotel. There might be people there too although as far as we know word hasn’t leaked about where we’re staying.” Emma listened to all of this in a daze. This couldn’t be her life could it? This couldn’t all actually be happening.

By the time she had come back to the world around her she was being ushered out the side door behind the guy’s band and her own to a crowd of waiting fans all of whom were taking pictures and shouting “I love you’s”. She froze like a deer in the headlights, staring out at flashing lights and people who somehow knew her name and were shoving papers and pens at her. She froze, as though she’d lost control of her body. She knew she should be walking, that the gap between her and the others was growing wider but she couldn’t make her feet move.

Her heart was racing in her throat and she was just considering the fact that she might throw up when suddenly a hand grabbed her own. She recognized that hand, the warm, soft palm and the long, rough fingers that were wrapped around her own. She focused on the hand for a moment before focusing on it’s owner. Killian’s expression was soft though he was looking at her with some concern. He was always looking concerned around her, she realised. She felt bad about that.

He gave her a small nod and one side of his mouth quirked up when she met his eyes. “It’s okay, they don’t bite,” he said, giving her hand a little squeeze. “Usually.” He winked and it made her feet seem to suddenly remember they were connected to her brain. “Come on,” he coaxed. He led her through the crowd of people, through the shouts and the lights to the car where Belle was waiting holding the door open, Ruby and Mary Margaret already inside. He helped her into the car like she was some frightened Victorian damsel being helped into a carriage by some Austenian hero. He leaned in, checking that she was settled and turned to head to his own car without a word.

“Hey!” Emma called after him, speaking for the first time in what felt like hours. He looked back. “Thanks.”

He smiled, just a little thing. “It gets easier,” he promised.

“You know that’s going to be all over the internet tomorrow don’t you?” she heard Liam scold as Belle shut the door and jumped in the passenger seat. She saw Killian shrug, sign an autograph, and jump in his vehicle.

Once they were far enough away that she couldn’t see the boys or the venue anymore, she turned to her friends for the first time since getting in the car. They all looked nearly as amazed as she felt, though perhaps not quite as shellshocked.

“Holy fucking shit,” Ruby said and Emma laughed. She didn’t even know why she laughed, it was probably adrenaline or something but she couldn’t stop and soon all three of them were in hysterics, even Belle started giggling in the front seat. Holy fucking shit indeed.

***

They all ended up in Liam and Belle’s hotel room as they were all still riding the high of the show and Liam and Belle had the biggest room - which Killian gave his brother a hell of a lot of flack for. “Get yourself married and then you can have the big room,” Liam taunted his brother in retaliation.

They were finally winding down after what had been one of the longest days of Emma’s life. Between the flight and the soundcheck and the show she hadn’t had a minute to stop or to herself since yesterday afternoon. Usually, she would have found that incredibly draining, and she did on some level, but not in the way she expected. Part of the reason Emma had chosen her job was because it allowed her to work alone. That was how she liked it. Being around people all the time, having to be ‘on’, to have to interact and socialize with people exhausted her. People always expected something from her and when she didn’t live up to it they were disappointed. Ruby and Mary Margaret were, of course, the exception to that rule. But, for some reason, despite having spent the entire day surrounded by near strangers, Emma felt surprisingly… good.

It was strange how easy it was to be around Belle and the boys. Liam and Belle were adorably in love and, it turned out once they were out of the public eye, they were almost disgustingly affectionate. Still, she couldn’t help smiling at them, Belle curled in her husband’s lap, his arms wrapped around her as they sat on the carpeted floor, backs against the sofa.

David and Graham had instantly shifted into big brother mode - or what Emma imagined having big brothers would have been like. The two were one joke after the other while mercilessly teasing each other and occasionally Emma as well. She found she didn’t mind the teasing and had felt a sort of proud thrill at their excitement when she’d given it back just as hard.

And Killian, she didn’t know what it was about him but somehow just being in his presence made her feel relaxed, made her feel calm. It was like something that radiated from him, an openness and a gentleness that she’d been too distracted to really notice before. She could see that the others felt it too, even his brother, despite his constant put-on airs of indignation at Killian’s almost unshakable lightheartedness.

Calm, until he looked at her. When he looked at her, her heart suddenly started racing and her breath caught in her throat for a second before she composed herself and snapped out of it. This was new territory, feeling comfortable and on edge around someone at the same time. She didn’t know if she liked it. It scared her.

Only four of them were sat around on the floor now. Mary Margaret and David had disappeared into a corner somewhere where it looked like she was trying to teach him how to twirl a drumstick between his fingers. He was failing miserably, though Emma suspected he was exaggerating his incompetence so that Mary Margaret would keep scooting closer and readjusting his hand. He smiled everytime he dropped the stick and she laughed.

Killian’s phone had been plugged into a little portable speaker and music filled the room now. Ruby had somehow managed to convince Graham to dance. Well, she was dancing, he was kind of standing there, swaying awkwardly and letting her hold his hand and twirl while he watched her with a big dumb grin on his face.

The song switched and it took Emma a second before she recognized the guy’s first single. She smirked at Killian.

“You have your own song on your most played?” she teased. She’d meant it as a joke but Killian quickly reached for his phone to change songs. “You don’t have to change it,” Emma said, feeling bad now. “It’s a good song.”

“Put the song back on!” David demanded and Killian rolled his eyes but conceded when Graham, Mary Margaret and Ruby joined in the chant.

“A lot of your songs are good,” she said, addressing the group now. “I didn’t realise how many of them I actually knew until the show tonight.”

Killian laughed. “So nice to be recognised,” he teased and she felt better that he was laughing with her.

“I’m just saying, you guys are really good. Like yeah, your songs are catchy but they also have depth you know? Substance.” She felt herself get red at her awkward attempts at a compliment.

“That’s all Killian,” David called from the back of the room. “He’s the songwriter. The real poet of the gang. The bard of the band,” he singsonged and Emma laughed wondering how many drinks David had had tonight or if Mary Margaret had just met her match for the title for cheapest drunk.

“It’s not just me,” Killian insisted. “Liam writes too. We all do.” Modesty. Emma was shocked and she said so.

“Hardly,” Liam countered. He looked at Emma, “I dabble.”

“He wrote this one,” Killian countered, referring to the song still echoing through the speaker. Liam gave Killian a look that Emma couldn’t read but he didn’t say anything.

“You’re so lucky, Belle,” Ruby sighed from where she was now swaying along with Graham to the slower melody.

“How so?”

“To have a song about love at first sight written about you.” Oh boy, if Ruby was getting romantic it was definitely time to get her to bed.

“It’s not about love at first sight,” Killian said almost instantly and everyone turned to him. He looked up shocked, as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. He looked to his brother.

Liam cleared his throat. “He’s right. It’s not just about that,” he agreed. Emma couldn’t make sense of whatever unspoken conversation was happening between the Joneses at the moment. She blamed it on the rum. “It’s also about allowing yourself to be open to love again, to believe you deserve it.” Killian stared at his brother and Liam looked back as though daring him to say something.

Finally, David broke the tension. “Heavy, man.” That was enough to make everyone laugh and the awkwardness seemed to pass. He and Mary Margaret retreated back into their little bubble as did Ruby and Graham as the song switched to something more bluesy and she did something incredibly intentional and incredibly captivating with her hair. Graham just stared, awestruck. Poor boy, Emma thought. He doesn’t stand a chance.

“Speaking of great music,” Liam said, drawing her back to the conversation they’d been having. “You guys were great up there.”

“Yeah?” Emma asked and then wished she could snatch the words back. That had sounded so pathetic. She’d been so nervous though, it was nice to hear that it had gone well from an outside point of view.

“Hell yeah!” Belle answered for her husband. “You’re already trending on twitter,” she said, pulling out her phone to show her a video someone had taken of the concert with captions like ‘Emma Swan out of nowhere’, and ‘the next big thing?’ written underneath. Emma just stared, slackjaw. She didn’t know how to react to that. This wasn’t even in her wheelhouse of possible situations to have possible, reasonable reactions to. She handed the phone back to Belle who turned to Killian.

“Killian, you hadn’t heard her yet right?” He gave a hesitant shake of his head. “What did you think?” she prodded.

“Yeah, it was good,” he said, noncommittally, not looking her in the eye. Emma felt it like a blow to her chest.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Emma demanded.

“Nothing,” Killian insisted. “I said it was good.”

For some reason she didn’t understand, a part of her wanted him to like it. And was crushed that he didn’t. She wasn’t even aware of that want, that need until now. She was surprised by how much his rejection hurt, how much she had hoped for his praise. That feeling scared her. She’d never needed anybody’s praise, never needed anyone to make her feel valued, never needed to depend on anyone for anything and yet here she was, devastated because some guy had said ‘yeah, it was good’. It scared her, and when Emma got scared or hurt she got angry. And now she was both.

“If you don’t like my music you can just say so,” she snapped. “I’m a big girl, I can handle it.”

“I don’t not like it,” he said hesitantly and she crossed her arms over her chest, daring him to elaborate. He sighed, like he didn’t want to say what he was about to say. “Look, do you want me to be honest?“

"No, I want you to lie to me,” she snapped sarcastically.

"The songs you played tonight are fun, they’re catchy, people like them and you play really well.”

“But?” She wasn’t letting him off.

He let out a heavy sigh. “But your lyrics… they’re not about anything.” She jumped back as though he’d slapped her.

“Killian!” Liam started, but he went on.

“I just mean that they don’t reveal anything about you or have any depth beyond -”

“Killian. Stop.” Liam was insistent now and Killian looked at him for a second then shut his mouth.

“No, it’s okay,” Emma said to Liam. She was furious - furious because of how hurtful, how cruel his words had been and how much it hurt that it had been him that spoke them. And a small, very small part of her was angry because she knew it was true. She hadn’t written anything real in a long time; she hadn’t written about herself. She wrote about other people, told their stories but there was no emotion tied to it. But she had her reasons. She had her reasons and he didn’t know anything about them and he’d just…

“Not every song has to be some soul bearing journal entry,” she said, her voice bitter and quiet. “Music can just be fun.”

Killian looked at her for a long time, long enough to make her uncomfortable. She wasn’t sure what he was trying to get out of her. It felt like he knew something, something about her that he shouldn’t know and it had her on edge.

“You’re right,” he said finally. “I’m sorry.”

“Forget it.” Emma stood and made her way to the door. She didn’t want to stay here anymore, didn’t want to put up with anymore of his crap.

“Emma -” he started but she dismissed him.

As she left the room she could hear Ruby and Mary Margaret saying goodbye and rushing out after her and she could hear Liam speaking to his brother.

“You are an absolute dick.”

He sighed. “I know.”

She reached her room with her friends right on her tail. She didn’t have it in her. She couldn’t deal with the ‘it’s okays’ and the ‘he’s totally wrongs’ that they would have for her. Because the truth of it was that it wasn’t okay and he wasn’t totally wrong and having them try and defend her would just make her more upset about how deeply his words had cut her.

“Guys, listen, I just want to go to bed okay?” Her friends were hesitant to leave her alone. “Seriously, I’m tired and I’m pissed and I just… I just want to go to sleep and forget about it. Alright? We can talk tomorrow.” They hesitated for a minute longer but recognized her resolve and agreed. They each wrapped her in a giant bear hug before saying goodnight and promising to check on her in the morning.

She couldn’t sleep though. She tried. She roughly pulled on her pyjamas, fumed while she washed her face, and brushed her teeth with unnecessary aggression. She threw herself onto the mattress, pulling the comforter over her head in the hopes that she could block out all the thoughts in her head and silence the rage and hurt rushing through her veins. She lay there for exactly forty-five seconds.

Emma threw off her blankets, kicking her feet free before sitting on her bed, letting her head fall into her hands as she tried to calm down. When she looked up, having failed to stop picturing multiple ways she could murder Killian and not get caught, she saw her guitar sitting across the room. She stared at it for a long time, briefly considering if she could use it to murder Killian, before letting out a frustrated groan.

“Fucking damnit,” she snapped as she stood and snatched the instrument, falling back onto the mattress. She brought her fingers up to the frets but her hands were shaking too hard for her to play. No depth. Fuck him. She used to have depth, she used to have meaning - in her songs, in her life - but then he’d come along and ripped all of that away. Now all she was was empty. She could fill it sometimes with happy melodies and fun lyrics to try and patch up the hole left inside of her but whenever she tried, dug into the hole and tried to find something, there was nothing. Only pain, a pain so overwhelming that she would do anything to bury it again. Eventually she’d stopped digging.

She remembered the last time she’d tried, when she’d pushed through it long enough to find something worthwhile inside herself but it had been too much and she’d been overwhelmed by the memories - a hotel room, Nashville, playing with him, being with him, waiting for him… she let the guitar fall out of her hands to the floor. She just can’t.

Fuck you, Killian Jones.

#captain swan #cs fanfic #cs fanfiction #captain swan fanfic #captain swan fanfiction #cs smut #captain swan smut #killian jones #emma swan #liam x belle #cs #cs manip

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