mentalthebeast

[mentalthebeast]

My Time in Angel Grove

In 1993 my family decided to move from DC to a small suburbs called Angel Grove, Ca. My parents were overly concerned about the violence seen day to day living in South East DC. It took us a while to get use to but things finally started to come around for us. Then all of a sudden shit got super real. I was hanging out with my friend Zack he was a little older than me but being one of like the only 2 black people in Angel Grove we stuck together. We were on our way to hang out with these girls Trini and Kimberly, who I’m pretty sure were DTF. We show up and they brought there 2 friends with them some dude named Billy, who was super nerdy, and this douche named Jason who was all like a fake Captain America type dude. I was super pissed but Zack was cool with it. So we all standing there at their high school when we felt like an earthquake then all of a sudden we all were teleported to some weird place. There was this robot and floating head in tube talking all kinds of crazy shit. The head was like I’m Zordon I chose you are teenagers with attitudes and some shit. Then he wanted us to fight his old nemesis and I was down, until I realized he was being racist as fuck towards the minorities. Zack whom I lost all respect for at this point was down to be the “Black Ranger” thus making it really awkward when Zordon got to me. I was like “so what you going to do” and he was like “Shit um I’m going to make you the Purple Ranger” I was like  “Nah son, I see what you trying to do, I want to be the White Ranger, cause I think that’s what MLK would want”. Guess what happen next, he kicked me out and threatened to murder my family if I said one word to anyone about any of this shit. That wasn’t even the worse part though. The worst part was how many times my dad’s job was destroyed during gigantic monster and Zord fights. I mean they would literally rebuild the buildings everyday only for them to be destroyed every…fucking..day!! Then he got a job on the pier just to get away from the inner city where these fights constantly took place, only for there to be a new Green Ranger who comes out of the water and destroy the piers. I was like are you serious? Zack told me that they eventually became friends with this Green Ranger but guess what, he still came out the piers to destroy everything on his way to the city. This was the worst city I had ever lived in. My parents finally tired of all the violence and being constantly under attack decided we should move back to DC because at least we know what the violence is like over there. Like how are they really protecting us if they are destroying the city? We were way safer in DC. It was crazy man, oh and proof that Zordon hated me and was being a dick, he later got made a White ranger. What an asshole.

#power rangers #fiction #comedy #true #story #zordon #Josh history #joshuabarnes #joshcomedy

[mentalthebeast]

Jan 13 1997

I woke up and realized how awesome it is to be alive. I went outside and it was gloomy. So i was like nah, you not gonna ruin this day overcast. I looked up to the sky took a deep breath and then I yelled "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HEAR OVERCAST LOOKING CLOUDS. IM TRYING TO ENJOY THIS FUCKING DAY! AND I DON'T WANT YOU RUINING THIS SHIT YA DIG!!!" The clouds disappeared except for one. I bent my knees and jumped 1 fist in the air. As I approached this stupid cloud lightning shot out of it. This made me extremely pissed but didn't slow me. Lightning engulfed my whole body as I got to the center of the cloud. Low and behold Zues was inside of the cloud. Yes that Zues. I calmly told him "you got one chance to get the fuck outta here before I end you forever". He looked at me and said "I will be back you know". He left and then I landed back down to earth. He did come back, and we did fight, but on this day he didn't want it.

#joshhistory #joshcomedy #reality #fiction #mylife #myhistory #real #fake #truth #facts #comedian #comedy #Zues #clouds #good #day #funny #greek #fight

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History 7 Jan 2014

It was about 2:30 am and I wanted to play basketball bad. I stumbled into a gym and there wasn't very many people there. I decided I would shoot around for a bit and see what happens. Little did I know while all this was going on the manager was making some phone calls. At about 4:30 I was getting ready to leave when the manager said sir just wait. I said "there isn't any competition here I have already dismantled these guys" as I pointed to a group of guys who had showed up only to be, well, dismantled. Just then the doors flew open and a there was a bunch commotion. In walked the best class of 2003. Wade, Melo, Bosh, Millicic and Mr. Lebron James. Wade was like "I heard about you. Supposedly he is the best player in the world blah blah blah" I stopped listening. I went over to the guys who I had just destroyed and picked the worst 3 and one ok shooter. We palyed a 7 games series each game going to 21 straight. Somehow they managed to push the series to a game 7. We decided the last game would go to 30 and lets just say it was an intense game. They managed to tie the game 29-29 after a barrage of 3s, even Darko hit 2 of them. They had the ball and the chance to win, they ran a high pick and roll with Lebron and Bosh..Lebron came off the pick and passed it back to Bosh by the 3 point line. Bosh pump faked and then passed it back to Lebron who now had a clear path to the basket. Only problem was I was faster then he knew and I put that shit on the backboard so hard that it shattered. Lebron was extra pissed. He was like "what about if we get a stop then-" I held my hand out like The Rock in the attitude era (cool guy taught him everything he knows) and said "we aren't coming back down this way Jabroni". I saw his eyes get watery as I told him what was gonna happen. " I'm gonna check the ball in, call an Iso and then im gonna viciously dunk on you and anyone else in the vicinity". He was now openly weeping. I checked the ball up, crossed right to left with Lebron on my hip and the ball in my left I got the rim and then I jumped, Lebron jumped then came down, then he jumped again and came back down then on his third jump he was near my elbow and I dunked on him. I dunked on him so hard his hair began growing back. It was slow build. When he woke up he began questioning why he even played basketball, rumor has it he even had amnesia and now suffers from associated amnesia. Meaning everytime you bring it up he forgets what happened but feels a pain in his heart and back when he sees me. Also he left Miami for that reason, knowing I was a huge Heat Fan, and also that it took place in American Airlines Arena. I tried to apologize but he had already made up his mind that he was done and going back home.

#joshcomedy #joshuabarnes #real #fake #lebron #james #lebron james #dwayne wade #the rock #chris bosh #fiction #comedian #mylife #myhistory #carmelo anthony #miami heat #miami

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History Jan 5 1986

I was sitting in the studio with Michael Jackson trying to make some magic. It had been a few years since Thriller and we were getting the ball rolling, again. He had heard I was a fan and thought why not give this 3 year old a chance and see what he can do. He told me later and I qoute “At worst I was meeting a fan, I didn’t know I was meeting a Legend”. Anyway we are sitting in the studio and we start brainstorming. I wrote a masterful track for him and he liked it, but he wanted to make a few changes. He asked me to maybe switch up the beginning to which I looked at him and said “You know what. Im gonna make a change, for once in my life. It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make difference, and Im gonna make it right.” MJ looked at me in amazement. I went over and stood in front of the a mirror said Mike, "you know what, If you want change you gotta start with the man in the mirror and ask him to change”. He looked at me and said “Josh, no message could be any clearer”. I told him “ well I think my work here is done. I walked outside after gathering my bag. When I got outside I flipped the collar on my favorite winter coat and the wind was so strong. I yelled to Mike as I left ” This wind is blowing my mind". I hadn’t realized what I had done at the time, but I knew it was something good, since he invited me back to collaborate again.

#josh history #history #joshcomedy #joshhistory #real #fake #reality #fiction #michael #jackson #michael jackson #the #man #in #mirror #man in the mirror #bad #album #comedian #comedy

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History Jan 3 1992

On this day I did Nothing. I did Nothing all day. I did Nothing all night. I did Nothing and it was exhausting. I did Nothing so hard I couldn't even move. I couldn't sleep I did so much Nothing. It's crazy how doing Nothing could be so draining. I did Nothing so much I couldn't do anything. It was an amazing experience. I tried to do Nothing again but she had to go home. Nothing was what I called my babysitter. Because whenever my parents called that day to check on me that day I said " I'm doing Nothing" and guess what I didn't lie. She almost got her name changed to Nothing but I told her to keep her name, changing it to Nothing Hendricks would be weird and to keep her 1st name as Christina.

#Joshuabarnes #joshcomedy #joshhistory #comedy #comedic #comedian #real #fake #reality #fiction #truth #mylife #myhistory #christina hendricks

[mentalthebeast]

Gritty Reboot Humpty Dumpty part 2

The king walked into his castle without one care in the world. As he whistled while walking down the corridor he noticed that his gaurds were no where to be seen. His pace slowed as he began looking around. “Where the hell are my gaurds” he mumbled to himself. His mind began racing, he had heard that Humpty wasn’t dead but dismissed it as a rumor. He had to be dead, no one could survive that fall. As he stepped in front of his bedroom door he had a weird sensation rush over him. He opened the door slowly and his heart nearly jumped out of his chest! “Surprise my Lord” he heard his wife and his 10 gaurds shout. He had forgotten his own Birthday. As his wife embraced him he felt a calming rush over him, only to be replaced with fear. “Where are my Kings Men?” he asked. With a nod from the Queen one of his gaurds ran off to get them. As the gaurd ran towards the door he slipped. As the King walked over to laugh and berate the gaurd he noticed what caused him to slip…yolk! As he turned around he saw all of his gaurds bleeding out on the ground, and Humpty standing there yolk dripping on the ground. “Humpty, you’re alive?!?! But they said you were all in pieces!!” He exclaimed. “Why did you do it, King?” Humpty asked angrily as he slowly approached him. “ Is this some sort of joke Humpty?” The King was noticably trembling. With one quick move Humpty threw his last piece of shell piercing his chest. He ripped it out of his chest as he stood above the King, his yolk dripping on the kings face “Yolks on you, King!” He mumbled as took his shell and shoved it in his throat… Humpty wiped his last piece of shell of and walked back to the wall. As he climbed back up there and sat down he thought about what he had just done. He felt like a shell of himself both literally and figuratively. With barely any yolk left he made up a rhyme detailing what had happened. Then as his last ounce of yolk dripped out he fell off the wall again. As he laid there shattered into a million pieces only one page of his rhyme was found, the first page…the mere beginning of the real story.

#gritty #reboots #comedian #comedy #funny #childrens #story #real

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History Jan 2 2001

On this day I did nothing, only to persuade everyone into thinking that I am “human”. It lasted for a full 24 hours only because I was under surveillance. I sat in a room. Then all of sudden 47 people disappeared. At least thats what all the videos show. No one survived to say other wise. For the record "I didn't kill them". Off the record "I totally did" there is no rest for the weary or the people who hate being under surveillance.

#joshuabarnes #joshcomedy #real #fake #reality #fiction #truth #don't #tell #anyone #sit #comedian #comedy

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History 1 Jan 2002

I had been up all night putting the finishing touches on my time traveling machine. What was extra crazy I came back in time to tell me to not use it. I told me that you can’t tell me what to do. I was about to but then I was like wait if I break it how did I come back to tell me not to do it. I smacked the other me and said you don’t tell me what to do. The other me said I knew you were gonna say that. Then he left. It was really akward. The 1st thing I did was bang Cleopatra, she was overated and the rest is as they say Josh History

#joshuabarnes #joshhistory #joshcomedy #real #fake #cleopatra #reality #fiction #time #travel #machine #oh #shit

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History Dec 31 1999

I had been tasked with saving the US again. It wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be my last. It was however one of my favorite times. I landed in Rokko Island (Japan) and was greeted by 14 ninjas and they all had weapons. I wasn't unarmed I had my weapons too,Pain and Justice ( My Left and right fists respectively). I went straight Steven Segall on them guys 12 broken arms and legs 2 of them dead. I didn't do it they killed themselves out of fear, they jumped in the propellers. It was gross. I entered a big building because hello, where else would evil be on a Japanese island on New Years. Just FYI guys it wasn't their New Years more on that later. I went in and took the elevator up to the 13th floor (this is Japan guys they dont share our superstition of the mumber 13). I got out and sent the elevator up to the next floor, which was the final floor. The elevator opened and I could hear about 19 sets of feet above me. I jumped though the ceiling, the crash killing 10. 6 of them died from fear of seeing my face, they screamed "Black Death" in Japanese or at least that's what I translated it to (I took Japanese my Freshman year in High school). 2 of them were brave enough to fight me and died a spectacular death which was considered an honor to them I think, again my apologies translation might be a little off. Oh and the last guy lead me into the room if the head honcho. Guess what guys he was half Black and Japanese and all Dickface. He started rambling on and on about his master plan while I was holding his man captive, With Justice (my Right fist) aimed at his head. I realized he was stalling it was 2 minutes til New Years in the U.S. He was babbling about this virus he had on this laptop still when I threw his own man across the room into him. I ran over to the laptop and entered in a 37 digit code that effectively destroyed the virus and then I broke the laptop over his head. I didn't kill him but lets just say he isn't all there in the head anymore. When I got back home 3 days later I had a debriefing and the President called to say thanks for stopping Y2K or something like that. I was like "Word". The part that sucked though was like I had to go back to school a few days later cause I was only a Junior in high school still and I had to keep up appearances. LAME!!

#joshhistory #joshuabarnes #new #years #y2k #real #fake #reality #fiction #truth #idk #mylife #myhistory #you #don't #know #the #realness #your #welcome #happy

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History 30 Dec 1988

I was the hungriest I had ever been in my life, which was saying something. It wouldn’t be the last sadly. I was 6 and I was with my earth father and he offered to make me some. When i saw it i thought it was ridiculous, how could something so small and thin possibly be good and you know what? It was amazing, that day I ate my weight in bacon, literally. At one point I was only stopping to go urinate. My body wouldn’t even poop because it wanted to savor every moment of having bacon in my body. I stayed on this rinse and repeat all the way through the new year. My earth father was busy with my earth mom and earth sister. I ate every piece of bacon I saw, I even ate bacon I couldn't see because my vision was being weird from all the bacon and lack of water. It was an amazing experience, something i would never do again. I did poop eventually and you would be right to guess that my poop came out shaped as bacon. My body paying homage to this sensational meat.  I have decided though when I die this is how i’m going out in a bacon overdose, I made that decision at the age of 6. 

#joshuabarnes #joshcomedy #real #fake #comedy #funny #comedian #my life #my history #bacon #Josh History #story time #reality #fiction

[mentalthebeast]

Josh History 29 Dec 1995

It was a wierd day, still cold kinda but the sun was out. Like "I should go outside but not really kind, but it looks like a good day"...anyway I digress. I was outside when my ball rolled over towards a sewer drain. When I went to grab it this weird hand grabbed me and pulled me into the drain. I ended up in cartoon land it was weird. Bugs Bunny who looks nothing like the cartoon adaption in real life told me he needed my help. He said something about a basketball game and some aliens becoming giants. I told him I would play on one condition, he got me home ASAP after the game. My mom is kind of crazy. Anyway we played and guys...we won. These alien guys were big and everything but there was a lot of foul calls. I mean we shot a ton of free throws and they couldn't make any 3s and they goaltended the entire 1st half. We got out to a big lead and it was never closer than 8. It was fun as I left Bugs was all like "Good game Josh, you were like Michael Jordan out here". I was like " thats cute Bugs if they ever make a movie about this he can play me, probably won't be as good but it's whatever". I got home late and my mom was pissed. I tried to explain but she wasn't having it. A year later they made a movie about and I'll be damned if they didn't get MJ to play my role...but as expected he wasn't as dominant. They made it all dramatic and shit, didn't even say the whole inspired by true events and I didn't get one red freakin cent of that movie!! Buncha Jerks!!!

#joshuabarnes #Josh History #joshhistory #myhistory #mylife #real #fake #idk #joshcomedy #spacejam #space #jam #bugs bunny #looney toons #michael #jordan #mj #fiction #reality

[mentalthebeast]

On this day in Josh History

Dec 28 1996

I had just returned home from a sadistic competition setup by the government. Myself and about 12 other people waged a winner takes all war on each other. Everyone else had a weapon I only had Pain and Justice, my right and left hands respectively. I was offered a bow and arrow but I said that was for girls. Anyway I won it wasn’t even close nor did it last long. I only went because I was bored. When I came home the govt. decided to end the competition after they realized that I, the youngest person and the only child to go, seemed to handle this so easily. When they asked me how I felt, i told them I was hungry and that it was to easy almosy like a game.

#history #humor #humour #funny #fake #comedy #jokes #life #real #hungry #hunger #games #joshuabarnes #joshcomedy #nonsense #myhistory #comedian

[mentalthebeast]

Today in Josh History

Dec 27 1994 I got into a fist fight with all 4 members Still Boyz a wanna be Boyz2men group and I won…They were “on bend and knee” when I was done beating their ass!!

#comedy #history #humor #humour #fake #real #idk #boyz2men #fight #life #comedian

[mentalthebeast]

Gritty ReBoot: Humpty Dumpty (part 1)

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the Kings horses and all the Kings men couldn't put humpty back together again...So he did it...himself!

Humpty laid on the ground his yolk 50% outside of his shell. Wondering how the hell did I get into this...and how many people am I going to have to kill to make this all better? He slowly began putting himself back together again, plotting his revenge. All the kings men would be the 1st to go for lack of trying. They could've put him back together or at least put forth effort . There was one piece of shell he hadn't put back together on himself. He vowed to not put it back on until he quenched his thirst for revenge. He crept into the castle, with his one piece of jagged shell. 13 of the kings men were scattered about the castle. All of them but one dead before any of them realized. The one that wasn't dead, wasn't dead yet, by design. He was going to help Humpty get info. As Humpty held his last piece of shell to the last kings man's throat he demanded information. The kings man uttered "I only do as my king tells me, you ca-" Humpty had heard all need...and he knew the King was next!

#gritty #reboot #childrens #novel #short #story #humpty dumpty #funny #comics #comedy #dark #remake #joshuabarnes #satire #laugh

[mentalthebeast]

2015 Goal

[mentalthebeast]

(PG13) Joshua Barnes first stand up comedy set. For booking contact: [email protected]

#standupcomedy #makemelaugh #haha

[mentalthebeast]

Winter is coming up, but my windows ain't.

#mentalthebeast mental music