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nonsensefromtheabyss · 3 months

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Alastor Analysis

(Throwing my hat into the ring because the smiley fucker has me in a headlock. Warning; long and potentially insane. God I hope the cut works.)

I think something significant is gonna go down with Alastor in the next few episodes. I think the man is slipping.

Something that sticks out to me on rewatch is that Husk isn’t worried by the lights flickering or Alastor’s voice changing (the usual signs of him getting vicious.) He doesn’t look scared when the collar appears; his initial order of reactions actually goes ‘surprised’, ‘bitch please’, and then he starts doing damage control. It takes Alastor pulling on the chain to make him stop and actually look at how angry the overlord actually is. It says a lot to me that Husk’s first reaction is to be pissed off. He looks like he’s recognising that his bitchy demon master isn’t going to take any advice and he’s gonna be made to back off—and he’s angry about that.

To detail, the fact that he approaches Alastor directly with his concerns and not Charlie (you know; the all-powerful, hotel owning, hell princess whose daddy’s in town), and puts the focus on him possibly getting into trouble means that Husk did all this out of a sense of concern or compassion. Husk isn’t acting purely in the interests of the hotel here, he’s trying to protect Alastor. This is a genuine offer of advice being thrown in Husk’s face for no apparent reason beyond arrogance; he has every right to be pissed off, and he is. He’s angry with Alastor and he shows that even as he’s shutting up. Angry, not scared.

Husk bitching about Alastor isn’t unusual. He cares enough to try and help the bastard out. The way he interacts with the conversation initially indicates to me that means he normally feels safe enough to do things like this. He’s comfortable calling his master out. He’s doing his best to stop Alastor making some kind of mistake. He is trusted with the information that Alastor isn’t a free man himself. When the chain appears, he’s frustrated, he cedes ground… but he isn’t scared.

I don’t think Alastor manifesting Husk’s chains is unheard of in their relationship—Alastor’s a mean bitch who only tolerates a little bit of poking before he snaps—but I do think that the pulling of that chain is usually as bad as it gets. That’s the point where Husk stops talking but hasn’t started looking worried yet. Husk was probably fully expecting that being knocked to the floor would be the end of the matter.

He’s scared—the most scared we’ve ever seen him—only after Alastor goes Radio Demon on him, and that’s why I think it’s something he’s never had happen before. Husk wasn’t expecting that degree of reaction at all. And I think it’s a sign that Alastor is starting to lose it.

We know the smile is fake. We know it’s a form of self-imposed self-discipline that’s as rigid as it is insane. And we now have it confirmed that Alastor has some pretty aggressive insecurities that are eating away at him behind the facade. Last time he was seen as ‘less than’ he slaughtered hide way to the top of the Pride Ring

Going episode by episode, there’s a subtle pattern of Alastor getting progressively more snubbed, which isn’t really what you expect when you’re introduced to the character in the Pilot. Vaggie describes him as someone of almost mythic power and, even with Angel’s levity and irreverence, that’s the impression that sticks, cemented by the way he takes out Sir Pentious. You get an immediate impression of what Alastor was like at the very top of his game.

You know: before the Seven Year Absence.

In the first episode, there’s the advert. The video advert. It’s all played for jokes (as it should be) but if you look at it as a first domino it makes sense. It’s our reintroduction to Alastor as a character: he’s made a terrible, unhelpful tv commercial and the ‘good’ one (we never get to see) was made with significant help. He clearly loathes having to do it, and he’s clearly got no real skill in it (if he did, he’d be showing off because he’s unbearably vain, you all know this is true.) He’s out of his element and he’s not adjusting quickly enough; people don’t know him from the radio anymore because Vox has the monopoly in entertainment.

Speaking of, in the Second Episode, we get Vox, aka the first and only person who gives a damn where deer boy went. Vox gives this shit by playing dress up and writing a diss track which Alastor immediately co-opts to make him rage quit. The song slaps—Alastor’s part in the song slaps… but it’s worth pointing out that Vox is the only person shown caring that The Radio Demon is back; the other two V’s are mildly entertained because they have renewed lease to absolutely dunk on Vox, and, while the crowds are drawn to the radio, they don’t look… bothered. There’s no big reaction of ‘dear god, it’s him (the deer god)’. Granted, we don’t see their response to the threat, but tbh if any radio threatens you with a return to The Bad Old Days the only honest reaction is to be a little scared, you don’t need to be in Hell for that.

In any case, regardless of how much he sucked at it, Vox still felt confident enough to make his little coping track public in the first place. He felt certain enough about Alastor’s lack of standing to make his own insecurities into a musical. The cultural idea of Alastor and his mythos has degraded enough for people to take potshots and then broadcast those potshots for funnsies. It’s pretty far from where we started in the Pilot with Vaggie not even wanting him past the door.

Third Episode… people of the conference room, please raise your right hand if you care why this staticky twink has been gone for seven years. *cue the deafening silence of no hands being raised*

Alastor is shut down and dismissed entirely in front of every other overlord at once, and it happens without consequence. He can’t do dick. He can’t play up the mystery, or draw them in to his narrative, or do anything to take control of the room. No one asked, no one cares. The meeting (which, if Carmine’s surprise at seeing him there is any indicator, he might not have even been directly invited to) moves on. I’m almost certain that the only reason he played coy with Zestial was because he thought he could have that Moment with everyone there and listening. He wants so desperately to be listened to.

We know that the hierarchies in Hell are less about who could actually make you eat concrete and more a popularity contest. That’s made explicitly clear in the first episode with low level sinners tearing strips off of Charlie, and clearer still in Helluva Boss where Stolas gets disrespected by the whole club for his messy personal business—in song form. And what I’ve not actually seen anyone else talking much about is how Alastor may be a very physically powerful demon but he’s getting no respect from any of his old peers. Sure, maybe the masses are spooked, but it’s not to the point where it’s making anyone else lose their chokehold. The people huddled around his radio still flick their eyes back to Vox’s screens when he talks. The egg boys ask him inane personal questions the same way they would anyone else. His own peers neither respect him nor care that he’s come back. Nobody has shown (positive) interest in the hotel now that it’s his personal enterprise.

We’re told the time skip was five months. We have no idea if things have changed in those five months, but Alastor starts Episode 5 palpably agitated. I’m guessing things didn’t go up for him. I’m guessing that it’s setting in for him that this is the vibe now, and the only person who actually thinks him untouchable is, well, him.

Add Lucifer. Suddenly, his business partner might not actually need him at all, either as help or an emotional connection, because she can replace them with her father, the actual king of Hell, who doesn’t like him; there’s an infinitely more powerful and capable demon in what is functionally Alastor’s home; said powerful demon has no fucking clue who Alastor even is, the role he plays, or the effort he’s invested (regardless of reason) into Charlie’s project, and there is no Alastor Approved way of making any respect happen on that front. As far as he’s concerned, he’s looking at a brick wall with FUCK YOU PERSONALLY graffitied on it.

Regarding the songs with Alastor in them, both of them are serving two purposes; the first is to piss off someone who slighted him, but I think the second is to reassert to everyone present his importance specifically after an instance of them forgetting. With Vox the primary objective is roasting the other overlord into shut down and the secondary is warning everyone listening that he’s still a viable threat despite what they just heard. With Lucifer, the first goal is to piss harder than the devil, but the second is reminding Charlie that he’s important and he has a place with them. Little as he’d like to admit it, it’s two cases of Alastor demanding a return to the way things usedto be. He wants to be the most terrifying thing on the wavelengths by default, and is willing to short out the power supply to all Hell to get that; he wants to be valued so much by the people around him that the most important man in Hell can’t just supplant him by being there. Obviously it doesn’t work out like that, but a self-absorbed nightmare man can dream.

And then Husk brings up the idea that he might be vulnerable on top of All That. It’s the final straw. He has spent the last few episodes very subtly scrabbling for a shred of acknowledgement and his bitch ass is getting none.

Mimzy, if I’m allowed to speculate a little, is deliberately thrown into the mix at this juncture because of how she relates to Alastor in juxtaposition to the damage his seven year absence and unspecified deal has done to his reputation; she wants to hide behind his coattails because he’s the big, scary Radio Demon who can protect her from anything, because who in their right mind would cross him? She’s literally a part of his old life. She’s reacting to him the way everyone did seven years ago—with complete and total faith in his ability to be an unholy monster at a moment’s notice.

Being told ‘hey, maybe she’s in deeper shit than you can shovel because someone’s tying your hands’ is, to Alastor, just another snub in a long, illustrious line, and this time it’s personal because it’s coming from Husk. It’s not just a newly popular medium he’s no good with, or Vox with his haterection, or a meeting he can’t derail with his personal life, or a boardroom full of equals he newly means nothing to—it’s his own people thinking he’s not capable anymore. And Husk is happy to say that with literally the most powerful man in Hell right there for comparisons in inadequacy. Going full dial eyes on him isn’t just an over-vicious retaliation, it’s a demonstration and reminder of what Alastor is capable of… and it’s probably done for himself as much as it’s about putting Husk back in his place.

Because that’s what Alastor used to be able to do; make all the other overlords cower on their knees at his feet while he regaled them with all the ways in which they could fuck off.

Seven years of possibly not entirely voluntary absence… and this is the closest to that he can get. A guy whose soul he owns, who will be back to snarking in a few days time, having to be dragged into prostrating himself on the carpet. One of the few people who inexplicably give a shit about him promising to shut up only on pain of death.

And at the end of the episode everything he’s done means nothing and he has to tell Mimzy to leave anyway… and he’s subdued and uncomfortable about it. She’s his friend, one of the few people willing to tolerate him, and apparently one of the last people to share the perception he has of himself… and he has to tell her to go because the reality is that he, for whatever reason, is not making choices which are entirely his own. The reality is that Husk may be right; Alastor’s grip on everything and everyone around him is, for a variety of reasons, not as strong as it used to be. The guy is unravelling behind the mask; he’s insufferably proud and it’s starting to strangle him.

The point of all this is, there’s a pattern of escalation here. I think Alastor is out of his depth and it’s going to start showing. I think he’s going to make some sort of desperate bid for control to get his standing back. I think he’s going to have to reckon with his own disappearance. And… I don’t think it’s gonna be pretty.

TLDR: My Beloved is a time bomb and him dominating Husk was just the alarm going off. I believe this with my whole heart because of Reasons.

(Side note: I think it’s been sidelined and/or cut due to season constraints and the show being rushed to shit by production, but I do believe Charlie and Al must have some kind of bond. It’s been five months of living together and she doesn’t turn around and refute his claims or even look surprised by them, which implies to me that the events are true if not the presentation. Obviously the girl’s got daddy issues and Al doesn’t actually see her as a daughter, but I really don’t think that equals ‘there’s no fond feelings here at all.’ Plus everyone else is there watching their nonsense; while Alastor has 0% shame, I’m pretty sure someone else (Vaggie) would have something to say if him claiming affection for Charlie was as left field for them as it was for us. Really wish we had more time for relaxed character interactions to let dynamics breathe, there was such potential in HH’s concepts but I feel like we’re skipping whole chunks. I want the dumb beach episode, you know?)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel analysis #hazbin hotel alastor #This man has been stuck in my skull for days #Scraping behind my eyes with a teaspoon to get rid of him #I just feel like he’s gonna snap at some point #He looks like he’s going to break his fucking teeth smiling like that and it’s going to happen soon #Everyone so worried about the extermination #Bitches should be worried about this idiot cracking under massive internal pressure and wasting all Hell to make himself feel special again

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chronicowboy · 1 year

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been dissecting the differences between buck and eddie's jealousy with @danielsousa and we cracked the code: eddie is jealous. buck is possessive. hear us out. their jealousy manifests in very different ways, but buck's isn't as subtle as it seems. in fact, where eddie's obviousness is there for all to see, its a very passive jealousy, a snarky go team in the background, the most active we've seen eddie's jealousy is in scenes like when he interrupts buck and taylor in dosed or the dinner scene in outside looking in. but buck's quiet jealousy is much more active, he jumps into eddie's love life at every opportunity, inserting himself into the conversation whether its actively encouraging eddie to break up with ana or telling a stranger about eddie blowing it with her first time around or advocating for eddie to ghost vanessa. but there's more to it than that. eddie is jealous, buck is possessive. eddie is the guy who never feels like he's enough, buck is the guy always terrified of being left. eddie's jealousy is a reaction to buck deeming someone besides him enough, buck's possession is a knee-jerk reaction to the possibility of losing eddie. eddie is jealous, he's bitchy, he's politely hostile, he doesn't try very hard to hide his dislike for buck's partners, he glares, he interrupts, etc. buck is possessive, when eddie's love life is being discussed buck always makes a point to bring himself into it somehow, whether its claiming eddie as his like in merry ex-mas with the awkard "brother", or whether he's proving that he knows eddie better than anyone, that he'll know eddie better than anyone he dates like in performance anxiety with the "oh you're not good at that" exchange. eddie is jealous of buck's partners in a way that makes it hard to deny what it is he feels for buck, but eddie represses that jealousy so hard that it simmers and seethes and comes out in those deliciously bitchy ways. buck is possessive of eddie because eddie is his best friend, a constant in his life, and whenever eddie is dating he has less time for buck. so: eddie is loudly jealous, buck is quietly possessive.

#sami rambles #sorry but mine and elke's combined brains are unstoppable #we hurt our own feelings a lot but hey at least we're coming up with shit like this #911 spoilers #911 show #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #buck x eddie #911 meta #buddie meta

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tyran-the-tyranical · 3 days

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I’m currently writing a fic and writing for Raphael is a little infuriating if I’m being honest.

Mostly because he has such a way about him, and unlike the other characters where there’s some room for deviation, he’s quite rigid in his mannerisms. So I’ve literally been scraping through his dialogue and ‘analysing’ his behaviour, and this is what I’ve ‘boggled’ it down to.

It’s obvious that Raphael, with all his charms and suave behaviour, clearly has a darkness or ulterior notice beneath it all. He constantly gives out subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) threats to our protagonists, reminding them of becoming an illithid, all in the pursuit of pressuring them to make a deal ofc.

“Come now, why playing hard to get when you're in deep over your tadpole head all those pretty little symptoms sundering skin dissolving guts they haven't manifested yet have they?"

I also think it’s funny because at the same time he also tries to portray himself as a saviour while he’s also just threatening us (it’s not a direct threat, ofc, he keeps it subtle mostly) and at times he just ends up being so contradictory.

[I forgot the quote but it’s when he says ‘he strides among the needy giving comfort where he can, also he literally calls himself a saviour too’]

Another thing, he’s so goddamn performative, and I mean to the extent that he sometimes borders on narrator territory. He has his little monologues as he talks about us as though we’re characters in a story and he’s just recounting our actions to some unseen audience.

[His speech before the Yurgir encounter is a good example of this]

"The Shadows grow long and the hour is late" - also wherever this quote is from works well too

Additionally, he’s just condescending/patronising. I think even in one of his dialogues, the devs noted he should come across that way. This also goes along with his more not so subtle threats, and also goes into his performative persona, he constantly wants to portray this cool and confident personality, that he’s accounted for every possible outcome (and in a lot of ways he has) and that even if he doesn’t get what he wants, it doesn’t faze him, and in fact he’ll try make it seem like either way it benefits him, and sure in some ways it might, but I do believe he’s just saying that to mask his failure to achieve his goal. (Also, he’s generally just snobbish at times, or at least comes across as such)

This goes into a main trait of his too, that being his constant longing to be seen as something a kin to a True or Full Devil (or arch devil). Since he is a cambion he is restricted a lot by his mortal half. He is held back by his human needs like sleep and presumably food too. I think he tries to cover for this through excess, as if you go to the HoH in act 3, you can see the food on the table is just filled to the brim of rotten food, basically all of it wasted. Also there are loads of scattered areas that have fruit or wine throughout his house. I believe he does this on purpose to try come across as though food is nothing but a pleasurable activity he indulges in now and again rather than a necessity.

At every opportunity he possibly can, he attempts to convey this facade of being omnipotent and powerful, as close as he can to an arch devil, as that’s what he strives to become, and to be seen as. And tbh he does it really well. At times he even comes across as this unbeatable force, that we can’t ever truly defeat. What I mean by that is, even though we can literally basically kill him, if we look in his logbook of previous visitors, it hints at him trying to find a way to cheat death through transferring his soul into a clone or something.

Now whether he ever managed to accomplish this by the time we attack him is uncertain, (though there is a non canon / cut content line where he begs for his fathers help as we fight him, kinda insinuating he never fully realised his backup plan in time and he’s actually afraid he’ll die, but that’s also not in game so who can say for sure)

Now another thing I find a little funny is another example of him losing but he’s still trying to play it off.

"My, the double counter Gambit. Vicious. Exactly what I would have done"

Of course, perhaps he lost on purpose, that could be a possibility, but id like to believe that even Raphael is fallible and can fail at times. Yet he still tries to play it off, oh yea that’s totally what I would’ve done, then why didn’t you stop her 😭. Like I said, he could’ve just let her win, he is a control freak after all.

Anyway, that moves me on to my other point (a very obvious one) that Raphael is a straight up narcissist. Now, not every narcissist is the same, there are many shared traits of course, there has to be, but not very narcissist operates the same way. Though it’s clear that Raphael is at least somewhat of a control freak, especially when it comes to us and the crown. Also on another quick note, he totally has a special interest (obsession) in karsus, like him seeing karsus accidentally kill thousands of people in the netherese cities became a core memory for him, one that he’s never let go, even now.

Back on track, he has Korilla literally stalk us throughout the game, he also knows personal facts about our companions (he’s done his homework), he’s literally planned and orchestrated events in the plot to help lean towards us giving him the crown in the end (it’s implied he helped vlaakith chain Orpheus or idk some other devil did with infernal chains, and he’s the one who help wipe Ketherics lil army to just one justiciar) he’s had a lot of time to plan and plan he has. He’s constantly aware of your movements since he picks very specific points to appear to you.

"[Laughter] The good thing is though there's only one little voice you really should listen to, Mine" - Total control freak behaviour

I’m gonna circle back specifically to his dialogue for a moment, because I love hearing it, but trying to emulate it, pain. He’s like an English teacher, he loves his little similes and metaphors, and just talking in a verbose manner, and it’s not just word vomit, nonono, he makes it sound interesting, he is performing for us after all. For me personally tho, it’s difficult to replicate, unlike other characters or companions where you can defiate their dialogue, like hearing astarion say ‘fuck you’ to Cazador, I don’t think you could get away with that for Raphael.

Now, he’s not entirely that restrictive, in his notes about his employees he literally calls one of them a little shit, soooo, but then again, those can be considered private thoughts, and he would never actually break the facade he’s crafted for us, unless, he’s enraged. Example being, if we break into his house. I find it very easy to write angry Raphael because it’s not as confining as when he’s ‘masking’ or being performative. He’s allowed to break his little charade and I can simplify his language, it’s honestly a nice reprieve, since he’s really is so complicated to write for.

As I said before he’s a total control freak, and that’s clearly fuelled (if not caused) by his narcissism and we can see that even outside of our protags. Look at Haarlep for instance, (there’s so much to dissect with these two) but Raphael strictly has Haarlep made to look like himself, and is the only form he’ll sleep with. There isn’t just one answer to why he’d do that, firstly, it just boils down to him being a narcissist sure, but on the other hand a point can be made that he’s doing it strategically.

Haarlep was sent to distract him, and presumably to spy and report back as well and presumably Raphael is clever enough to realise that. So why would he reveal anything about himself in such a vulnerable way, so why not just make the incubus be in one form and one form only. It also serves as a lil bit of a punishment I suppose, since Haarlep can be 1000 different people but is forced to stay as one. There’s also another angle to this, that narcissists generally find intimacy difficult, and being vulnerable with other people. So why be vulnerable when you can stick to the devil you know?

He’s knows himself better than anyone, so why would he bother with anyone else? It’s a bit of a defense mechanism, he’s not willing to be vulnerable or let his guard down (and to be fair, for good reason) so it’d be better for him to stick to what he knows, what he’s comfortable with. I’m just going to throw this out here but he comes across as a total hedgehog dilemma sorta guy, gives off real shinji Ikari vibes tbh.

Raphael has this bloated sense of self importance, I think he mostly gets this from who he is in relation to his father, since he’s not just some cambion who was fathered by some incubus or whatever, No, his father is an arch devil, and not just any arch devil but Mephistopheles, who sits just under power of Asmodeus. This fact is probably why he has such an inflated ego, but at the same time, he’s not wrong. Unlike Mizora, he seems to have it quite good, as tbh I kinda initially thought he was his own free agent, and didn’t even have to serve under Zariel (but he does) he just has it really good, or at least better than most from what it seems.

It’s unclear if this was actually because of who he is, or through his own actions. Either way, he’s managed to accomplish a lot more than most cambions. Another thing I’ve read about cambions is their sense of entitlement, especially over mortals, and well Raphael certainly fits the bill. Which might contribute to why he wants what he wants. I mean, why does Raphael want to take over the hells? To end the blood war? Sure, almost all devils want to rise the ranks but Raphael’s goals are a lot more lofty than that, and why is that? Is it solely his ego? To be seen as something a kin to a god like Asmodeus, or is it to best and humiliate his father? Perhaps both, or perhaps neither, it’s somewhat unclear, but perhaps he just feels entitled to something greater.

A final point, is since he’s a narcissist, he’s obsessed with his image, yea I know, very obvious. And it’s been mentioned a few times that this is probably why him and Haarlep look so different, it’s either insecurity or a want to come across as something more mature, why he’d look older than Haarlep when they should be an exact copy. It’s the whole reason he’s being performing, curating this image to us, one that he barely even allows himself to break at home unless he’s enraged. If you look at it for what it is, it’s just insecurity and almost desperation. A desperate desire to be seen as something greater, something a kin to his father (daddy issues are making their appearance) and it honestly comes across as erratic, and extreme.

He’s so obsessed with his image that he either curates it in a way to come across as older and therefore more mature to seem a certain way, or he makes his incubus come across a certain way. Perhaps when Haarlep said they’re a perfect copy of Raphael they didn’t mean as an exact copy, they meant they’re are literally a perfect version of Raphael, a better version, most likely a result of insecurities. Who can say for sure what the reason is to why they look so different if they’re supposed to be mirrors of each other.

Like I know I said, this is what I’ve boggled it down to and well, it’s not very boggled, but that’s what I mean! There’s so much going on with this little guy, it’s almost hard to keep up with, you gotta write him as suave and mysterious but also somewhat threatening and intimidating, he has to be articulate and persuasive as well as theatrical, while also keeping in mind his manipulative and narcissistic tendencies, which doesn’t come easy to write for.

This isn’t a slight by any means either, he’s a complicated character and that’s why I like him, but my sorry ass struggles to replicate it 🥲 though I hope this post will be a good reference to circle back to when writing for him.

#bg3 raphael #bg3 #raphael bg3 #baldurs gate raphael #baldurs gate 3 raphael #baldur's gate raphael #raphael the cambion

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nathaniel-underwood-is-an-intj · 16 days

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Some thoughts about John Mandrake's 'introduction'

This is by far my favourite character introduction in the whole series specifically because it's written that way - as an introduction

John mandrake is introduced as a suave young magician/ politician who is popular with commoners and feared by his colleagues. He's built up in the introduction to be cool, detached and incredibly powerful; someone who is level headed and self assured.

He's immediately an interesting character.

But it's only by the association of the name that we know this is in fact Nathaniel - his manner and personality are so different to the boy we've read about so far:

Nathaniel the terrified 12 year old boy who summoned a Djinni in his bedroom for poorly thought out and hot-headed revenge.

Nathaniel the awkward goth 14 year old desperately trying to fit in with his colleagues and make a name for himself. All while slowly losing his morality out of fear of survival, and who's fear of losing control is manifesting in a unhealthy relationship with cleanliness.

It's only when Bartimaeus' explanation of how their relationship entirely broke down we see it happen in subtle changes and understand how he became John - through the extreme stress of running two departments, the constant war; through having to abandon his moral compass to keep his head above water.

But at first he's almost presented as someone else, another character that needs to have his rituals and habits explained to the reader because it might as well be someone completely different.

#Idk just rambling #i feel silly for saying random stuff like this but if I don't get it out I'll go nuts #bartseq #bartimaeus sequence #bartimaeus trilogy #nathaniel underwood #bartimaeus #liveblogging

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hard-core-super-star · 1 year

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frequency of all we know... [H.Steinfeld]

pairing: hailee steinfeld x reader

summary: you and your girlfriend share an intimate moment during the Vanity Fair afterparty.

wordcount: 1.7k

warnings: completely over the place writing, suggestive themes [aka one (1) bathroom makeout session], boyfriend!hailee, the term clingy [but not meant in a bad way], me desperately trying to manifest an oliva rodrigo x hailee steinfeld collab.

a/n: i can't believe i've had this account for a year and the thing that made me finally post was this damn gif of hailee and eiza. this entire fic was inspired by this tweet and it's also been playing on loop in my brain since i first saw it. [shoutout to this post as well] might mess around and post more fics soon but idk, we'll see. enjoy!

* * * * * * *

You always knew your girlfriend had some borderline clingy tendencies.

Whether it was holding your hand wherever you went, or wrapping her arms around your waist whenever she got the chance, she always had to be touching you in some way. You never minded the contact, you actually found it really endearing, but it was getting harder and harder to hide your relationship with how touchy you two always are with each other.

Whenever you two were spotted at the same event together, her fandom would collectively lose their mind, posting picture after picture and talking about how cute you two are. But of course, the fan reaction wasn't all positive, and as much as you hated to admit it, the hate you received for your close relationship with Hailee weighed heavy on your mind.

It didn't matter how many times your girlfriend told you she didn't care about anyone's opinion or how close she held you to her, the hate followed you around like a rabid dog.

You knew her fans were right, she could do so much better than you. She deserves so much more than you could ever give her. Hailee is a goddess sent from the heavens and you're just…you. Plain old you.

Your girlfriend clearly doesn't care about any of those thoughts and opinions though, judging by the way her hands have been gripping your waist all night.

You originally didn't want to go to the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party. As much as you love going to events with Hailee, you really weren't in the mood to spend the entire night looking over your shoulder, making sure your relationship stayed a secret.

That all changed, however, when she asked you to go with her, giving you the most adorable puppy-dog eyes in the process and making it impossible to say no. (Not that you've ever been good at saying no to her.)

So you agreed, albeit reluctantly, to accompany her which led to you spending most of the night pretending like you don’t notice all the looks and the questions thrown your way as Hailee keeps you close to her.

She was subtle at first.

Only casually brushing your hands together while you stood next to each other or subtly wrapping an arm around your waist while you were talking with someone who was standing a little too close to you but as the night dragged on, her borderline possessive clinginess started showing more and more.

You had been glued at the hip the entire night until Eiza convinced her to go ask Billie to introduce them to Olivia Rodrigo. She had asked if you wanted to go with them but you declined the offer, wanting her to spend time with her friends without you hovering. (You did make her promise to bring up the idea for a potential collab to Olivia before she left though.)

And now you’re here, keeping Zoey company and trying not to freak out about the fact that Cate Blanchett and Sarah Paulson are in the same room as you.

Zoey's in the middle of a story, something about a recent audition she went to, her eyes are trained on you. At some point in the conversation, her hand had landed on your arm and it still hadn't left.

You didn't pay much attention to that detail as you struggled to keep up with her story.

You lean in closer in an attempt to hear her better and that's when Hailee walks back toward you.

“Do you mind if I steal y/n from you real quick?”

Your shoulders immediately relax the moment your eyes meet hers. She doesn’t wait for a response from Zoey, her hand reaching out for you. You take it without hesitation, muttering a half-assed apology to the other girl.

If she notices the possessiveness in Hailee’s movements she doesn’t react, she just gives you a little wave as Hailee drags you away. You swear you see the ghost of a smirk on her face but it's probably just a trick of the lights.

You let your girlfriend lead the way and she pulls you into a private bathroom. You barely have enough time to blink before she's closing the door behind you and pushing you against it.

“Have I told you how gorgeous you look today, baby?” She asks, her voice soft as she looks down into your y/e/c eyes.

“You have,” you reply as you wrap your arms around her neck. “But I wouldn’t mind hearing it again.”

She smiles and you swear your knees buckle a little at the sight. "You are the most stunning sight I've ever seen…especially when you're in my clothes."

Her eyes trail down from your eyes to the rest of your body, her smile growing the slightest bit as her hands land on your waist. Her thumbs draw small circles there as she messes with the fabric of her oversized coat.

You had made a small comment about how you were cold earlier in the night and Hailee had wasted no time in throwing her coat over your shoulders. You assured her it wasn't necessary but she insisted and well…you can't deny how much you love wearing her clothes.

Especially when she looks at you like that while you’re in them.

"Always the charmer, aren't you, Lee?"

A small chuckle escapes her mouth at the sound of the nickname. "Only with you, my love."

"Are you sure about that? Because your fans are convinced you have heart-eyes for someone else."

"They're a little slow," she says while she leans in a little closer. "But I have faith in them."

Whatever witty reply you were about to say dies in your throat the second she connects her lips to yours. You pull her closer, letting the taste of her overwhelm your senses.

You could spend an eternity kissing her and it still wouldn't be enough. No matter how much time you spend with her, you’re always craving more of her.

You would feel weird about that if it weren’t for the fact that Hailee clearly feels the same way about you.

“Hailee…” Your hands grip tightly onto her shoulders as she trails a path of kisses down your jaw. “They’re gonna start looking for us if we don’t go right now.”

She ignores your words, her lips moving onto your neck and you gasp as you feel her teeth against your skin. Every other thought leaves your mind as your back arches into her touch.

"You're mine." Her words are mumbled against your neck and the low tone in which she says them sets your body ablaze.

Despite your body's reaction to her words, you can't help but give in to the urge to tease her. "If this is because of Zoey…I’m pretty sure she has a boyfriend.”

“Yeah? Well, so do you.”

“Oh my God.” Your head hits the door with a soft ‘thud'.

She pulls away from your neck, her eyes searching for yours. “Was that too much?”

Your heart flutters a little at the soft traces of worry on her face. You shake your head while one of your hands moves to cup her cheek, your thumb moving back and forth on her warm skin. “That was perfect…you’re perfect.”

The corners of her mouth lift up into the most breathtaking smile you’ve ever seen. "You read my mind, baby."

She leans in and you meet her halfway. You all but melt against her and you quickly decide that kissing her is much more important than whatever people have to say about the two of you.

"Let's go home," you mumble against her lips. "Fuck the party."

She pulls away slightly. "Oh, I'm definitely thinking of fucking something right now."

Her words send a small shiver down your spine. As much as you would love for her to have her way with you right now, you'd much rather it be in the comfort of your own home.

"We're leaving." You try to sound assertive but your voice comes out a little too breathless for that. "Now."

She raises an eyebrow at you, clearly amused by your attempted dominance. You expect her to make a teasing remark but she doesn't. Instead, she gives you one last kiss before taking one of your hands in hers and dragging you out of the bathroom.

If your friends notice the hickey on your neck, they make no comments about it. Probably more than used to Hailee's (not so subtle) possessive antics.

Her arm remains wrapped tightly around your waist as the two of you wait outside of the venue for your driver to show up, making small talk with Eiza and Billie to pass the time.

You're too busy playfully arguing with Billie about convincing Olivia to collab with Hailee to notice your girlfriend's movement.

It's not until you feel her chin on your shoulder that you realize she's fully wrapped you up in her arms. You smile as you place your hands on top of hers, your fingers messing with one of her rings.

"Y'all are too cute, what the hell?" Billie turns to Eiza. "You seeing this bullshit?"

"Don't sound so jealous, sweetheart," you tease her.

"Oh, fuck off."

You spend the next few minutes joking around with your friends, your girlfriend's arms wrapped securely around you. You're blissfully unaware of the paparazzi across the street capturing the moment.

It's not until you see Hailee's name trending on Twitter the next morning that you realize the two of you caused quite the splash online.

You show your phone to your girlfriend as the two of you lay on her bed, your head resting on her chest. "Your manager is going to kill you."

All she does is laugh while her fingers draw small circles on your bare waist. "Totally worth it."

#hailee steinfeld x reader #hailee steinfeld x female reader #hailee steinfeld x y/n #hailee steinfeld x you #hailee steinfeld imagine #hailee steinfeld fic #hailee steinfeld #hailee steinfeld fluff #marvel #mcu #wlw #wlw fic #writing #if you made it this far: stream sunkissing

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sarahmadisonxoxo · 1 year

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Steve Harrington has trained himself in the art of saying goodbye before a relationship actually ends. Whether that be friends, potential partners, or anyone besides maybe Dustin and the rest of his six kids.

The change is subtle. Steve had been through it so many times that he stopped noticing the moment he started pulling away from people. The moment his thoughts would start lying to his heart. Slowly. Gradually pulling itself away until the inevitable fact of being left alone happened.

His own parents hadn’t wanted him. Wasn’t that supposed to be one of the strongest bonds people could share? One between a parent and child. Something about blood being thicker than water. If he’d been broken enough for his own parents to reject him... why would anyone ever want him?

He’d been desperate to prove the hateful voices in his head wrong. Willing to do almost anything to feel important. To feel like he fit in somewhere. He’d gone so far as to change his entire personality... taking on the persona of the respected and ever-beloved King Steve. Going on with the idea that he’d permanently lock that broken child somewhere deep in his memories to never see the light again. His younger self would be locked away, but at least he’d be safe.

There had been a moment, with Nancy, when he’d felt safe to be a little less like King Steve and more like Steve. She was a good person. Nancy wasn’t only beautiful, but she was brave, compassionate, and easily one of the smartest people he’d ever known. Nancy accepted people for who they were. It was the answer to his prayers. His manifestations coming true. Finally, he was being given someone that could accept him... even for the broken parts.

‘ Bullshit’

The word hit like a final nail in his coffin. Shattering his heart in a way that he hadn’t figured out how to fix.

It worked easier this way... handing out pieces of himself. He didn’t have to give the most vulnerable pieces, instead handing out the parts he didn’t mind losing.

Robin had been one of the first people in a long time he gave a larger part of himself to. After she’d opened up to him on a gross bathroom floor at the Starcourt Mall. Nearly dying with him at the hands of the Russians. It felt safe to trust her... Robin was his soulmate with a capital P for platonic. Their friendship helped him start piecing himself together. Slowly, but progress was progress.

During his days at working at Starcourt he purposely struck out with dates. It was easier for the world to assume he was hitting a rough patch than to let them know he was ready to give up on love.

Enough time with Robin had him ready to start again... He actually tried to get dates, and let it just appear that he was getting his game back.

Countless dates... none of them made him want to risk his heart again. Lovely women. The issue sat solely on his own shoulders...

Eddie Munson pinned him to a wall with a broken bottle at his throat.

Vecna happened.

According to Eddie... Nancy hadn’t hesitated to jump in Lovers Lake to save him.

The world was practically ending again... running back to Nancy felt safe. Easy. Familiar. If only he’d known how stupid he’d feel when he came to realize Nancy just couldn’t love him. She never would.

Surprisingly Nancy’s rejection didn’t break him again, sure it hurt like hell. It struck him hard, but he survived it.

Days turned into Months. Seasons changed, Spring to Fall then Winter.

“ Weary travelers.. it appears your Royal Carriage awaits and I wouldn’t want to delay the King’s plans. We will pick up next week” Eddie’s eyes looked up from the table to Steve, leaning against the doorframe, returning his gaze back to the table. Amusement burst on his face at the annoyed groans and mutters of the kids.

“ They are all yours... your grace.” Eddie’s gaze once again flickered up toward Steve.

“ Steve... My name is Steve man. “

“ Steve, you are free to take your kids”

“ Thank you..” Steve chuckled.

“ Anytime..”

Steve ignored how his heart jumped due to Eddie’s smile, being under his gaze. If there was anything he didn’t need it was to fall for someone else..

Only he was afraid he was too late...man this one was going to sting.

#steddie #steve harrington #steve stranger things #steve x eddie #eddie munson #nancy wheeler #robin buckley #steve/eddie #stranger things

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ughmyreality · 15 days

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I just have to complain. Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton get on my last nerves and I'm tired of acting like they don't.

At this point, Penelope is the center stage of everything. Not just season 3 but the others as well. Not only is she (supposably) friends with Eloise, and she's Lady Whistledown but also a love interest. When does it end? Please don't say it's because they wanted to "flesh out her character" or make her "dimensional" because it wouldn't be an issue if she was in fact meant to be the main focal point. She's not, however, and despite what it sometimes appears, the show is "Bridgerton."

She reminds me of Ani from 13 reasons why. Mostly due to the fact that despite all these relevant main characters, all the time is being focused on her. Well, that and the victim card.

But even if I were to give her some grace, we're supposed to ignore the fact the "man of her dreams" nearly married her cousin?!?! That's bizarre to me. Throughout this whole time, Colin has never shown any interest in her besides platonic dancing. He rarely interacts with her and, in fact, is known to travel all the time. Sure, he writes her letters, but that's all they are, simple letters. Ones of which she later acts like she doesn't even appreciate.

(Also, that clip of season 3 of Colin telling her he missed her... ok, and? How do we go from "and the object of all my desires" to this? Ugh, then Penelope saying his eyes are a remarkable shade of blue but shine even brighter when he's kind. Girl! Clearly, he isn't kind enough because all she ever does is complain about the fact that he doesn't like her! Besides, what sort of a line is that. She's an author. An AUTHOR, and she's going to show it by saying a basic line.)

When exactly are these feelings manifesting? Yet again, I'd like to reiterate that this isn't necessarily a problem because people can just meet and quickly fall in love. My problem with Colin and Penelope lies in the fact that

A. Penelope likes Colin a little too much, more than he has ever reciprocated.

B. Colin seems like an opportunist. He doesn't particularly like her he just rather have her for himself, but the moment he finds someone else, he's off to the next. He bounces from seeing her as his sisters friend to love interest consistently.

C. Penelope is so quick to abandon anything that doesn't suit her narrative: Marina and Eloise. She can run a whole gossip column trash talking Colin and his family, but somehow, she expects to be miraculously forgiven and exempt from any backlash. The only reason she was ever able to get into such close proximity to Colin is because of Eloise, but she has no problem acting like Eloise is the one in the wrong.

D. Most importantly, there is nothing wrong with platonic relationships. The two of them still get on my nerves, but I can admit, it is much less so when they don't interact or talk about each other. They work better as distant friends. If anything, I think Penelope has a better chance with someone like Benedict.

E. Personal Ick (I realize this might be very irrational) I don't like major height difference relationships. It gives me bad vibe because I feel like one party in the relationship is always going to be somewhat infantilized.

It's one thing to say she has a physical attraction to him and another to say she has a full-out crush. Even if she does truly like him, does she "truly" like him? She's had this crush for so long that I don't think she likes the real Colin but the idealized version she's created.

Subtle Eloise Appreciation: And to top it off, why are people acting as though Eloise is the ONLY one looking for Lady Whistledown. Out of all the people, there is such a great likelihood that others are investigating as well. Even the queen wants to know who she is, but people fail to mention that!

On a side note, I'm over the narrative that I should feel sorry for Penelope because of her family's financial hardships. Is that unfortunate? Yes, most definitely, but what does that have to do with the way she treats people?

But, I suppose at the end of the day, it's not that deep. I just wanted to express myself with, hopefully, like-minded individuals. If you love Penelope and Colin, great. I, on the other hand, do not.

#anti penelope featherington #anti polin #anti Colin Bridgerton #long post #complaining #i'm okay

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hikennosabo · 4 months

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#tristampparty day 11, episode 11: to a new world

can you believe it's almost over already... @tristampparty let's go.

meryl and wolfwood's dynamic is so funny

two things: one, this is the first time we see present-day-him out of his blankie!! two, he can speak clearly, but vash is struggling to breathe... i wonder if on top of not needing to eat and sleep, knives also doesn't need to breathe... but i also wonder if vash actually needs to breathe himself. considering next episode they fly up into space and vash seems fine.

okay, i guess "100 years" from episode 9 was a number from conrad...

wow this is just like 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors for the Nintendo DS

he says it's his hypothesis so... is he lying or is his hypothesis just wrong? i... i don't know if he would be lying on purpose. or if he's actually right and this is genuine orange original lore (doubt). how did he come to this conclusion? how would he detect the presence or absence of a soul anyway? imagine if this plan actually succeeded in the end. what would have happened? how would conrad have reacted if he was proved wrong?

viewing knives's microexpressions again like a completely normal person. his face softens when he says this. he really does genuinely care about the plants. it's just that his way of "caring" is. um. Like That.

COME. LET US TAKE IBUPROFEN TOGETHER.

subtle storytelling techniques. also again sinners with the capital S. also hello knives, you're so pretty!

he's both a receiver and a transmitter, wow this is just like 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors for the Nintendo DS

not to keep overanalyzing knives's expressions, but... he looks a bit sad that vash will forget him. even though HE'S THE ONE MAKING HIM FORGET. ugh. knives, you're so. you're so. so frustrating.

waaaaiiit knives with the punisher tho... and the hand on the hip... he's serving

so much of this is vash's insecurities being made manifest, i wonder how much "work" knives actually has to do here. vash is full to the brim with guilt, it's not something knives would have to do much to bring out of him. well, most of that guilt is knives's fault to begin with...

this always gets me. this ALWAYS gets me... "love," he says... love, huh... love... i do think there is love. i do think love exists between them. it exists, but this is not an act of love. or, if you must call it love, if knives is telling himself he's doing this out of love, it's a love filtered through a thousand (or a million, haha, get it) layers of fear and trauma.

the "plant room" is where tesla is, right? we've only seen the one other geranium. also rem makes an "oh shit" face when nai says that...

thinking about this conversation. this... back and forth between vash and nai... about how humanlike vash is and how plantlike nai is. it's a sore spot for both of them... it clearly is for vash, but thinking about how nai feels... he's the one who's being asked to put on an act. he's the one being asked to suppress a part of himself. i know that's rem's way of trying to protect him, but... it must make him feel bad. even if he doesn't make it obvious. maybe that's why he keeps making digs at vash. :(

oh, it did, but if knives were to acknowledge that, his entire worldview would collapse, so...

vash tabs over to his own profile and then scrolls to tesla's profile. why is nai in a different tab than vash and tesla. for that matter, if vash and nai were supposed to be a secret, why do they have profiles in the database at all. did rem make those? did conrad?

maybe rem's biggest mistake was letting nai read the bible

the microexpressions again :')

he's saying this to manipulate vash but is that the only reason why he's saying it? is this what knives genuinely believes?

okay i don't care about this guy at all but the fact that he's still holding his noodles is funny. i'd do the same.

speak for yourself, knives.

WAIT HIS BLANKIE IS ON AGAIN FOR THIS? hmmm... his blankie. his cocoon, his shield. is it because he's killing rem? again? so he needs his blankie? as a form of comfort. he uses his blankie to hide, it covers his face.

i genuinely do not know what i should call it besides "blankie." sorry.

the way he words this... i thought maybe he was using cryosleep to extend his life like luida and brad, but no i think he just actually lived that long. he's got a few... attachments(?) so i guess those were part of the life-elongating process...?

hmm maybe he did use cryosleep though, since he said he's done 100 years of research even though it's been 150 years...? either way he's old as fuck though LOL so there is some fuckery going on

he's doing bad things right now. he's being bad. but his squinty face is so cute LOL

WHERE was that post that pointed out this looks like rem. bc it does. if you look closely, that's her hair.

ummm... it's after midnight again... i think i should be able to write and publish tomorrow's post in a more timely manner :'D

#*makes 999 references* *doesn't elaborate*#tristampparty #june speaks #trigun talk

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apatheticlexicographer · 2 years

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all of the lighting in stranger things is intentional, please stop saying it isn’t ( -sincerely, somebody with industry experience)

i’m pretty sure that the people who shit on the byler light symbolism theories have never been near a film set before. the idea of any kind of light being “accidental” on one of the most expensive shows ever made isn’t remotely credible if you have any kind of experience with the film industry. that being said, i know that most people don’t have firsthand experience or even secondhand knowledge of how the industry functions on the ground. as somebody who has both of those things, i figure i can try to spread the knowledge around a bit!!!

so, here we go!!! lexi’s fun fact science corner about film lighting, from the experience and knowledge of somebody who’s been on and around film sets and surrounded by filmmakers since they were 6 years old.

first of all, all the light on your screen is a lie.

(well, not all of it all of it, but most of the fun stuff is Big Lightbulb’s doing)

you see huge lights like these:

pretty much anywhere you go on a film set. any film set. and yes, that includes outdoor scenes: the sun is a ball of fire and spite with a specific vendetta against filmmakers and the clouds are its loyal minions. natural light is a bitch and should not be trusted.

all light in a scene, even seemingly ambient light, has been curated very intentionally. the angle, the intensity, the tone, how sharp or soft it is. part of this curation is done in postproduction using editing software, but a lot of it is done on set by moving and covering lights. the quality and angle of light is pivotal in changing how a scene comes across.

let’s look at an example unrelated to byler, to prove there’s no conflict of interest here:

here’s max while she reads her letter to billy. she’s backlit, leaving her face in the shadow. this is a lighting technique commonly used to communicate dramatic effect, tension, and an ominous feeling. the shadow cast by the backlighting isn’t hugely intense as the outdoors light conditions are otherwise very flat and quite pale. this gives the whole shot an exposed feeling: there is nowhere for max to hide. in retrospect we know what’s about to happen to max, which now makes the accuracy of that emotional signaling very blatant. while watching it for the first time, however, this lighting motif is intended to make you subconsciously uneasy. even before you know exactly what’s coming, you’re set a little on edge. as you should be!!! there is no tension without foreshadowing, just as there is no tension with too much foreshadowing.

here’s a closeup on her face, to show it more clearly:

notice how no direct light at all is hitting the right side of her face.

now here’s max a few minutes later:

...sorry.

anyway, see that light hitting half her face, while the other half is shadowed??? the position of the light source hasn’t changed, it’s still hitting her left side, but because the camera has moved she’s now being sidelit. sidelighting usually communicates mystery and conflict. Of course max is conflicted here!!! she’s facing the physical manifestation of her trauma, right after forcing herself to verbally process her joint feelings of relief and bereavement over billy’s death. as for mystery, there’s the short-term uncertainty over whether max will live or die, and the long-term uncertainty pertaining to vecna and what exactly his deal is. These are mysteries to both the viewers and the characters.

also, briefly: the tone of the light has changed from slightly warm in the first picture (nostalgia, comfort) to slightly cold (fear, death). it’s a subtle shift, but very clear.

the whole sequence is actually a very neat piece of lighting work!!!

“but lexi, how do you know that was intentional??? are you sure the sun didn’t just happen to be shining that way while they were shooting???”

yes.

see, the biggest bitch about natural light is that it doesn’t last. the entire scene with max in the graveyard takes place within a very short span of time canonically, but there are a lot of different shots involved. it’s also a highly important and emotionally charged scene, which means it needs to be acted perfectly, however many takes that requires. the sidelight would not remain consistent across the filming of the entire scene if it wasn’t artificial. it probably wouldn’t last a single take!!!

“oh, but lexi, you’re talking about a really important scene. the lighting here might be intentional, but that doesn’t mean it’s always so important!!!”

wrong!!!

well, you are right to an extent. the lighting isn’t always super pivotal, but it’s not an optional element of film production. you can’t film your important scenes with super thoughtful lighting and just rely on the sun and the ceiling lamps for the rest of the show. lighting definitely isn’t always inspired and meaningful but it does always have thought and intention behind it (and effort!!! lighting guys are criminally underappreciated).

also, the byler scenes that people analyze the lighting of??? they’re all important scenes too!!! they might not have much bearing on the main plot at the moment, but they’re keystone scenes in the joint arcs of two of the show’s main characters. the graveyard scene is important to the plot, obviously, but it’s huge in max’s character arc. and what do you know??? most of the lighting symbolism is tied to the character aspect of the scene, and not the plot aspect.

so, to recap: the sun is evil and mostly fake, lighting symbolism can be clearly mapped, and it’s typically used to communicate deeper insight about the character being lit, which will register subconsciously.

i’m very much not done here yet lol, i have a lot more to say about colour, the lighting work done in postproduction, and the way lights are physically manipulated on set. however it’s also 7am and i’m an idiot who stayed up all night reading scientific journals about mould. i’m gonna turn in, but i plan on making a part 2 in the not too distant future!!!

hopefully this has been at least mildly interesting or informative lmao. when i see people saying stuff about what they think of byler as people working in or studying film i always forget that i am... also that lmao. also though, those posts tend to come at things from the perspective of scripting and preproduction. since most of my experience is on the ground i hope i can provide a slightly different angle to that of other film people of the tag.

til next time <333

#byler #stranger things meta #stranger things analysis #byler analysis #stranger things #some types of mould don't have barriers between the cells of their hyphae #that's fucked up dude #also blue cheese produces neurotoxins when it goes off

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flame-cat · 1 year

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some facts about Kim Kitsuragi

- one cigarette a day. there's no individual on this earth who would keep to a ritual like that that takes so much self control except the type of person who will do everything by their internal schedule until the day they die. (source: i drink one decaf coffee every morning. i have heart issues- even decaf is probably more than i should have. so I limit myself to just one, in the morning, even if its not very good, because it's part of my routine)

- the driving gloves. bad textures begone (source: i wear gloves a lot too for this very reason)

- the jacket (source: not one autistic person alive doesn't have an article of clothing or accessory they wear every single day because its comforting to have that stability and choosing new outfits is stress you don't need every day)

- the way he deals with emotions. its mostly compartmentalization, with very little outward expression, and even if he's sympathetic its generally in a distant and factual way that doesn't rely on pathos (source: autistic people often have difficulty even telling what emotions they're having at any given time, so telling how someone else is feeling is even harder. usually we default to a benefit of the doubt, and pinpoint factual information as comfort)

- the notebook (source: autism often manifests as a one-track mind. its difficult to remember small details of events, or events at all, if we're thinking about something else at the time. the notebook serves as both a grounding tool to help him focus on the task at hand and a way to reference details he normally wouldn't recollect, as well as helping with his aphantasia)

- "let's focus on the case, detective." (source: again, autistic people tend to have a one track mind. I often find myself "conversation stacking," which is when you remember old topics of conversation and bring them back around in order to finish discussing them. autistic people do this because our thoughts can be easily overwhelmed by wildly shifting circumstances, so we try to maintain that focus. kim is always focused in the case because if he thinks about something else (and switching focus is hard) he knows it'll be hard to get himself back on track. hence also why you can lead him on these wild tangents- once he's in, he's in, and he will see it to the end until you can circle back, because nothing is more irritating to an autistic person than leaving something unfinished. I often drink too much because I hate leaving my glass still partway full)

- special interest in MCs (source: look at this torque dork and tell me that isn't a special interest)

- the Kimball Incident (source: you know he hyperfocused on that one case for a whole 9 months. there's no way anyone but an autistic person could manage to focus and train so hard on a single new skill for an undercover mission. he hates it now also because sometimes when you hyperfocus you end up burnt out on the interest when it finally fades. I hate looking at old fandom stuff cause I immersed myself so hard in it for months at a time)

- Harry. him and Kim are adhd/autism solidarity (source: nothing gets me out of my comfort zone like an adhd person. I love being around them because I can let them lead me around without having to focus too hard on all the stuff they're able to focus on at once. also, every adhd/autism relationship has that subtle push/pull of one person getting side tracked and the other letting them go on the tangent but then circling back around. its kind of magic)

- look at the way he stands. look at his stance (source: I also stand like that)

now with this evidence before the jury i present a theory- that kims decision to transfer to the 41st was actually the most insane declaration of love he could've possibly done. he is willing to uproot his entire years-long comfort and stability because one guy showed him something different. we don't do this lightly. if an autistic person changes their schedule for you in any capacity, they're basically proposing to you. mans got it down BAD

#in the life #disco elysium #kim kitsuragi #actually autistic #I WILL SPREAD MY AUTISTIC KIM PROPAGANDA UNTIL I DIE #hes one of us my liege

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cosmicjoke · 4 months

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hi there !! thank u sm for answering my ask about the whereabouts of the scouts hq! i guess it's open to speculation of the location prior to the fall of wall maria ( or as i'd liked to call it "free real estate" lol ). anyways, i have another question for you if you don't mind! i love your analysis on levi and how emotionally intelligent he is and how he's in-tune with his emotions. i was wondering, do you think levi is the type to outwardly grieve at all? perhaps in privacy of his own quarters? we seem some subtle moments like when og levi squad dies as an example and we never see him fully cry until the finale. aside those small, yet very impactful moments, do you think he shows his grief in a more expressive way? if so, how do you envision it?

personally, i dont depict levi to be the type to showcase anger through his grief ( i guess unless zeke is involved lol ), but i feel like some days would be extremely difficult for him as he carries around the weight of his dead comrades and friends, especially at night when he's alone. i don't think he cries often, most likely due to growing up in the underground and kenny's "parental teachings", but as i said, i believe there are rare days where it's just too much, ya know?

regardless of my opinions, i would like to hear your thoughts and viewpoint on this !! thank you <3

Hi there!

Thank you for the ask, and I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help with your first! But this one hopefully I can give a better answer, haha.

We do have one, clear instant of seeing Levi express his grief outwardly, of course, and that's when Furlan and Isabel died. And Levi very much did express his grief through anger then. I would even say Levi was enraged, which we never really saw from him again. Even when Zeke forced Levi to kill so many of his own comrades, after turning them into titans, Levi's anger afterward was very controlled and measured, though still apparent. Maybe the closest we see to Levi becoming angry before then is the first time he takes Zeke down, in Shinganshina, after he cuts him out of his titan. But nothing really comes close to the outpouring of intense despair we see from him with Furlan and Isabel.

That probably has something to do with the fact that they were his family. I always say Furlan and Isabel were probably the two people who were closest to Levi in his life. The only two people who understood where he'd come from, because they came from there too. And also because they were the first, two people he really lost to the titan threat. He'd only seen one other person eaten by a titan before then. A soldier whom Levi likely had no relationship with at all. We have to remember, when Levi first joined the SC, he, Furlan and Isabel were outcasts. Nobody liked them, and nobody really talked to them or treated them kindly, outside of Erwin and Hange. The others he saw killed by titans, he only saw the aftermath of. But with Furlan and Isabel, he actually saw them directly eaten, right in front of him, and for all his great strength, he was powerless to stop it from happening.

For all the criticisms I often see lobbed at the anime adaptation of "No Regrets", I won't ever forget the raw emotion we hear in Levi's voice when he kills the titan that killed him family. We never hear Levi like that again. So enraged he sounds like he's on the verge of sobs. That was Levi losing the only two people he had in his life. His chosen family. His two first and best friends. That was Levi losing his whole world. His rage at Erwin afterward was also a manifestation of that pain. He was overcome by his grief in that moment.

I think, after that, Levi was able to form other connections, and other bonds. Especially with Hange and Erwin, and of course his own squad. And I think he felt the pain of their loss just as keenly as he did Isabel and Furlan. But by then, in order to keep moving forward himself, in order to keep fighting, Levi needed to learn to control that grief and keep it locked away. To not let it consume him or distract him. It's never been that Levi doesn't feel every loss with deep, genuine emotion, or that he's unaffected, or removed from the feeling of loss. He's always been, I think, more deeply impacted by the loss of life than anyone. He just learned to control that feeling, and more for the sake of others than for himself. He wants to stay strong so that he can do his job of protecting and fighting for others. He doesn't allow himself to wallow in his grief because he thinks it might compromise his duty to others. And that's Levi's selflessness again.

I'm certain there's been many, MANY moments in which Levi felt an overwhelming despair. I just spoke about this, in my post about how Levi more often looks sad to me than stoic. I think, when he's at rest especially, we see Levi's grief manifest on his face and in his body language. When there's nothing for him to channel his grief and despair into, it shows plainly on him. So I wouldn't be surprised if, when he had moments alone, he did give into it, if only a little. Levi doesn't strike me as much of a crier. I have a hard time picturing him really openly sobbing, for example. But he is capable of tears, and he may indeed have shed tears in private moments, when he felt sure it wouldn't negatively impact anyone around him.

There's of course something deeply tragic in that. In Levi feeling the NEED to hide his grief. To not let it show for fear of it somehow affecting others. That he feels his grief is less important than his duty toward protecting others. That he shouldn't be allowed to indulge in it. And we know this is an attitude with Levi only holds for himself. Because he never scolds anyone else for giving in to THEIR grief, and in fact does the opposite, providing them with what comfort and reassurance he can. The first time we meet Levi, he's comforting a dying soldier who's crying, wondering if he'd done his duty, holding his hand and telling him that he's done more than enough. Or with the soldier who lead the titans to them after the disaster with the Female Titan. Instead of scolding that soldier for allowing his grief to endanger the entire unit, Levi gave him Petra's patch, and told him it was his friends, just to comfort him. Or when Eren begins crying when they're all trapped in the cavern underneath Rod Reiss' estate, and while everyone else is yelling at him, telling him to man up, Levi doesn't yell at him at all, despite the peril they're all in. He instead tells Eren he's sorry to have to ask for his help again, and after Eren is able to save them, he's the only one to thank Eren and express his gratitude by telling him that it's thanks to his efforts that they'll be able to retake Wall Maria again. Or when he tells Erwin thank you, after Erwin confesses to his own grief and guilt. Instead of scolding Erwin for showing weakness in the face of catastrophe, he tells Erwin that it's thanks to him that the SC was able to get as far as it had. He tells Erwin he's been a great leader.

Even while Levi denies himself the comfort of his own grief, he never denies it to anyone else. And once again, that's Levi's selflessness manifesting. And it's heartbreaking to realize, because again, I think Levi probably feels things more deeply than anyone. I think he's more hurt by the loss of his comrades than anyone. But he won't allow himself to really process that hurt, or find any solace by giving in to his grief.

#Levi Ackerman #attack on titan #shingkei no kyojin #Furlan Church #Isabel Magnolia #Erwin Smith #Hange Zoe #levi squad

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kaleidoscopic-quiddity · 2 years

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food for thought: the true potential of will byers

alright buckle up girlies i finished stranger things 4 and i have many thoughts

let’s start with what we already know:

henry’s existence proves to us that it’s possible for someone to have telepathic/telekinetic powers even without brenner’s fucked up human experimentations

we still don’t know how or why henry has powers, or whether or not he was born with them vs them manifesting over time, but the fact remains that as far as we know, neither he nor his mom were involved in any kind of experiments/torture/drug trials/etc

we now know that the upside down is frozen in time, but not the day el opened the gate, nor the day henry killed his family, nor any other major upside down/telepathy related event, but specifically the day will got taken

barb was killed near instantly upon being taken to the upside down, yet somehow will managed to hide/survive as long as he did

all the other humans who were possessed by the mind flayer were unable to resit it (billy only could for a brief moment thanks to el’s telepathic interference), yet will managed to fight back against its influence through, for lack of a less ironic term, sheer force of will

this could just be main character plot armour, but my point is the upside down has been incredibly lethal to pretty much all of its victims, except for will byers, who keeps on managing to survive, and we still don’t entirely know how or perhaps even more pressingly, why

as other people have already pointed out, back in s1ep1 the garage light at the wheeler house seems to ‘follow’ will and at the byers house the deadbolt slid to unlocked without anyone touching it

obviously, this could just be atmospheric affects meant to hint at the demogorgon’s presence that have aged poorly as the creative team have developed and hammered down the in-universe rules for upside down and/or telepathy/telekinesis related fuckery, but we know that this show has engaged in some major long haul foreshadowing before

switching our focus to the idea of henry and will as foils, victor described henry as a ‘sensitive child’, joyce said the exact same thing about will back in season 1

this one is definitely a reach but as we know will is obviously gay coded (i mean, alan turing as his ‘historical hero’? could they be any less subtle), and we also primarily see henry in the rainbow room

similarly, we know that virginia, henry’s mother, disliked him and wanted to get doctors or exorcists/priests to fix him, or get him sent away somehow, and obviously this was down to all the spooky shit going on, but also it’s not as if gay people were particularly thought well of in the 1950s

we’ve also seen that henry, just like will, had an affinity for art, particularly colour drawings, which has been stereotyped as a ‘gay ‘ or ‘effeminate’ interest for boys to have, especially in toxically masculine 1900s america

basically im not saying henry is also gay coded but im also not not saying that

on the topic of henry, whilst he was presumably born with his powers, it doesn’t seem as if he really came into them until his family moved to hawkins when, based on his appearance in the flashbacks, he was somewhere around 11 to 14 years old, and we know that will was 12 when he was taken

there’s also an obvious parallel between will and henry when it comes to music

playing a song, particularly a song an individual has emotional attachment to, is the only known way for someone to break free of vecna’s curse

will sang ‘should i stay or should i go’ right before the demogorgon got him in fort byers back in s1, and in s2 it’s by playing that song (plus being reminded of good memories) that will is able to momentarily escape the mind flayer’s control

we also know that will’s first dnd character was a wizard named will the wise, and vecna is described multiple times as a ‘dark wizard’

its also worth thinking about how will’s arc is s3 was about letting go of his childhood and finally accepting that he had to grow up, and vecna still has a very childish mindset as a villain that he doesn’t seemed to have matured from at all, what with his dreams of world domination and all

additionally, traumatic memories and the prolonged effects of trauma were a big theme this season, and in el’s case, specifically repressed memories and false memories as a result of trauma was a major narrative beat

in particular, this season dealt with el subconsciously repressing her telepathic/telekinetic abilities, as a result of trauma

to summarise:

there are some very obvious parallels to be drawn between henry creel and will byers

we now know that people can have telepathic/telekinetic powers even without them or their mothers undergoing human experimentation

repressed memories and ‘forgetting how to use’ one’s telepathy/telekinesis are already central narrative concepts this season

will has a unique relationship/resistance to the upside down that’s been put in focus numerous times but never fully explained, although it does seem to mirror el in some ways

in conclusion:

im not saying that i think will byers might have superpowers, but i think will byers might have superpowers

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #stranger things meta #stranger things theory #stranger things headcanon #stranger things 4 spoilers #will byers #og post //#id honestly give this theory like a 70% likeliness rating?? if i get proven right in july i will be SO fuckin obnoxious about it

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queentheweeb · 2 years

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Tamaki Amajiki X Male Reader

"Suneater you're killing me here." You loved Amajiki so much, you truly do but the boy's lack of self-confidence drives you up all the walls in the vicinity! His mouth warbled as he pulled his hood over his face even tighter muttering self-deprecating things about himself. Why is he like this? He's so amazing! Not only are his abilities on par with pro-hero but, he is part of the Big three! The top 3 students that U.A has! He should be proud of that! That's a feat that so many students dream of being in and he made it with all of his hard work and dedication he just didn't see that.

"You're hurting my eyes with how bright your smile is." You blinked coughing into your hand to hide your blush. How was he for the last year able to do this to you? He always was able to turn you into a blushing mess but because he was always hiding his face he never got to see your reaction. Thank Kami (God) for that.

"That's sweet of you Suneater. You should be happy with all of your achievements! You're about to graduate and start your own hero agency with Lemillion and Nejire Chan! You're part of the Big Three and everyone knows and loves you, especially for your help in saving Eri! You're amazing!" Amajiki made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like a strangled cat before turning his whole body and leaning against the wall of the nearest building. You sighed shaking your head at his antics letting him have a moment. You both were on patrol right now and it was slow so you two can afford to take a little break. There were so many things that he just didn't see. He didn't understand how amazing he truly was. All the hard work he put in to be up to par with Mirio and his standards not realizing that he managed to surpass his own limit and go beyond and plus ultra. He doesn't realize how much he's admired and loved especially by you. You had the biggest crush on him, and you're sure it was even love by now. You didn't want to try and subtly pursue your crush until it was confirmed by not only Togata and Nejire but by Amajiki himself that he does in fact like guys. That little bit of information made your heart soar and hope blossom in your gut. You thought that maybe just maybe you'll have a chance to win his heart. You looked at him again as he finally moved from the wall but his face was still covered by the hood as you sighed. He was oblivious to your affections and advances you were scared that if you were to move past the subtle notions you would end up scaring him off. He was already so skittish and any kind of compliment would set him off even though that didn't stop you from praising him.

"We should continue with our patrol now shall we?" He didn't wait for a response as he started walking allowing you to catch up to him. You walked side by side with him engaging in idle chat with some response from him. You decided to stop initiating conversation finding that the silence was quite comfortable and enjoyable with him. You both walked down the streets and paths you guys didn't normally take learning quickly that villains will learn a hero's routine to avoid them at all costs.

"I hear something." You turned to Amajiki who manifested some animal's ear and then he ran down an alleyway with you hot on his tail. It wasn't long before you both ended up by a bank that was being robbed. The villain was huge with multiple arms that were grabbing bags of money while smashing cars and creating a complete ruckus and mess. One glance at Amajiki and it was enough for you two to formulate a plan. Another thing you were quite smug about, you both worked almost as well as Mirio or even better if you do say so yourself.

"Hey, big guy! Over here!" You jumped up and down waving your arms to create a distraction. You could have easily taken this guy down by yourself but you wanted Amajiki to get more recognition so you opt to be a decoy as Amajiki came up behind him to subdue him

"Fucking hero." He wasn't pleased in the slightest which was to be expected and he did exactly what you hoped he would do. He moved all the bags of money to three of his arms and aimed to attack you with his free hands. However, what he didn't know was that Amajiki was behind him ready.

"CHIMERA KRAKEN!" You loved Chimera Kraken so much. Call you insane, but you found it sexy and had some very lewd thoughts that you were not proud to admit out loud and would plan to keep those kinds of sexual fantasies to yourself. The villain had no idea what hit him and in no time he was tied up, subdued and you returned the money to the bank. The media and police arrived shortly and you knew how Amajiki got when it came to crowds let alone talking to someone for the news. You made your way swiftly to him after the two of you were done with the police grabbing him by his wrist and guiding him away from the prying eyes.

"I have this great restaurant in mind that we can go to later if you're up for it." He was silent for a long time and you were beginning to sweat thinking that you overstepped a boundary somewhere until you were brought back to reality by a soft squeeze on your wrist.

"I-I wouldn't mind..." He said it so softly and bashfully the blush coloring the tips of his ears and face just plain ol' adoring. It was too much for you to handle without exploding and gushing about it so to avoid that kind of embarrassment on both of the parts you opt to make a beeline for the train station.

"It's near Fatgum's agency so first, we go to the agency and from there we go out to eat! Sounds good?" Amajiki simply nodded too shy to say anything and you accepted it. The train ride was short it was only half an hour which was enough to calm down the butterflies in your stomach. You were taking Amajiki on a date. You were taking your 3 year-long crushes out on a date and you had no idea how to act or feel about it. You did the best thing in this situation! Let Kami do what it does best and run its course. It wasn't long before you both made it to the stop and walked the short five minutes from the train to Fatgum's office. You both greeted the receptionist and went straight up to where you were greeted by Fatgum himself about to get on the elevator.

"What are y'all two up ta?" You opt to explain what happened to him making sure to emphasize how much work Amajiki did and how amazing he was again

"He used Chimera Kraken! You should have seen Fat! He was so amazing!" You felt a tap on your side looking down to see that Amajiki had nudged you in the side to get you to stop talking about him.

"Stop saying embarrassing things." You took pity on him and so did Fat a little bit as all he did was ruffle up his hair.

"Well, I left the office open for ya. Make sure ta close it when y'all leave okay? Have fun now." He sent a secret wink and a thumbs up to you which had you turning your head to hide a blush. Damn that guy's intuition. You both silently walked to his office Amajiki closed and locked the door behind you two as you both walked your separate ways to change.

"I'll be out in a minute Tama!" You started calling him by that nickname when it accidentally slipped out one day and yes even though he was embarrassed he didn't necessarily tell you not to call him that so you took advantage and stuck to it even if it was to get enjoyment out of seeing his ears turn red. You quickly put on jeans and a muscle shirt with regular sneakers making your way out to the living room where Tama was already. Tama was wearing a shirt that had an elephant surrounded by flowers and ripped jeans with sneakers. He was dressed so nicely and it fitted his figure so perfectly that you felt your heart palpitate.

"W-why are you staring?" Shit, you have been caught. Time to bite the bullet.

"You're so beautiful to look at." Dammit Kami strike you down right now and make sure when you're revived you have some common sense. You waited for a response but all you got was a red face and a sputter "That was pretty forward huh-"

"I think you're pretty too." That's it. your world has been spun on its axis in all different directions. Did he just call you pretty? Was this your chance?

"T-thank you..." Dammit don't sound so stupid, be smart! "Are you ready for our date now?" Great. Real smooth Y/N. Way to lay it on him easily.

"This is a d-date?" He didn't seem appalled he just sounded genuinely confused. Screw it all, might as well go all the way. You moved until you were sitting next to him and reached for his hand to hold. He allowed it and you felt a smile grace your features when he held yours back.

"Yes, Tama...I liked you for 3 years...I really want to take you out...If you'll let me." You were patient knowing this was a lot for him to take in. You jolted in surprise when you felt a pair of warm lips press on your cheek and you turned sharply blushing scarlet.

"Let's see w-where this goes." Tama didn't wait for you to answer as he yanked you up and started walking towards the door. You allowed it. You were going to let him lead because this chance was a gift from God and you'll be damned to mess it up.

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So what do you think?

#anime #fanfic #manga #bnha #mha #fanfiction #quotev #quirks #fluff #x reader #tamaki bnha #amajiki x male reader #amajiki x reader #Tamaki Amaijiki #tamaki x reader #tamaki x male reader #pro heroes #big three

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haptronym · 2 years

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Canon vs. Fanon #3: All Might has depression/PTSD

Part 3 of comparing canon to fanon! This one’s long. Previous posts are about Quirklessness and Toshinori’s appearance. The appearance one is slightly relevant here.

This one is... absolutely fascinating to me. This assertion is “unspoken canon” among a lot of All Might fans. It was for me, too, for a long while. There’s plenty of reason for him to have pretty severe mental health problems, considering everything he’s been through. I mean, just look at him.

But... things didn’t quite add up for me. So this post examines what got me into this idea, then what made me decide that it, ultimately, didn’t really fit him the way I once thought it did.

Big huge disclaimer: I’m not a medical professional, and I’m not trying to claim that my interpretations of the show are any more valid than anyone else’s. I’m not trying to “prove” any “facts.” This is just an embarrassing amount of speculation, personal musing, and gushing about my favorite character.

In real life, mental health issues manifest in many ways; they can be subtle, masked, or look nothing like “textbook” examples. This is not meant to be an analysis of mental illness: it’s an analysis of fictional depictions of mental illness. When an author is trying to signal “Look, it’s PTSD! Look, it’s depression!” they will often insert certain predictable symptoms to clue the audience in. That’s really the deepest anyone can go with this kind of character analysis. All we can do is take a look at the behaviors and thoughts we are given, look at the context, and go, “Does this seem close to what we might expect?” This is obviously subjective and full of personal opinion, and it’s not meant to be commentary on real life or an attack on anyone’s personal experiences with these conditions.

Lastly, fanworks aren’t obligated to follow canon or author intent, whatever it may be, because fanworks are quite literally all about exploring what canon doesn’t. In the end, we’re all just finding meaning in characters we love. Tons of people (myself included) find meaning in labeling All Might as traumatized or depressed, and that’s all the justification it needs.

Does he have PTSD?

Going to get this topic out of the way first because I feel like it’s pretty clear-cut by comparison. It makes sense to assume Toshinori might suffer from PTSD. You do hero work as long as he has, you’re sure to see some awful, haunting things. He recently survived a horrific injury and repeated revision surgeries.

But... as far as I can see, his canon mannerisms don’t seem to contain any of the usual markers that generally signal “look, it’s PTSD!” such as flashbacks, nightmares, hyperarousal, reactions to loud noises, or intrusive thoughts. The strongest anxiety reaction we ever see from him is his reaction to Gran Torino! (Which, by the way, I will always assert was played up by the narrative for funny points.)

This is the case both in specific reactions and in his overall demeanor. To me, he overwhelmingly comes off as comfortable in his own skin and in control of his emotions. Even when he’s describing the most harrowing fight of his life, or the death of his master, he stays composed. When a drone suddenly zooms up behind him and nearly hits him, he does not startle whatsoever... he just calmly snatches it out of the air like a badass.

We never see him freeze up under stress. We never see him anxiously overreact or mistake friend for foe. There are several mentions about having nightmares from the terrible fight with All For One that put a hole in him... but AFO is the one complaining about having nightmares, not Toshinori!

I did find this amusing set of panels, but I have a feeling anyone would react this way to having a door suddenly slammed open behind them in the middle of a quiet, dramatic conversation.

We could claim, “well, maybe he just has episodes offscreen. Maybe he’s getting treatment offscreen.” Sure, but we could also claim that maybe he likes to wear fursuits offscreen too. That kind of unfounded speculation is the definition of fanon.

Speaking of speculation, here’s mine: I think it’s perfectly plausible that he’s dealt with PTSD symptoms in the past. But I also think that, considering his immense duties as a hero, he would do everything in his power to immediately seek professional help and treat his symptoms. His Quirk can level city blocks with the flick of a finger. It would only take one wrong move during a night terror, flashback, or accidental overreaction to cause a national tragedy. I cannot imagine he would just sit around and go “welp, I don’t want to see a therapist because Secrets, guess I’m just traumatized forever.” For all his flaws, I think he’s more responsible and caring than that, plus he is a perfectionist and hates anything that interferes with his hero duties. He has an enormous budget, plus the support and coverup abilities of the national government on his side... he could find a way.

All in all... I just don’t see much canonical evidence that he has a condition like PTSD during the events of the show. I don’t see symptoms or treatments. If you think I missed something, please let me know.

Does he have depression?

Okay, welcome to the other 90% of this post.

When we first see Toshinori’s true form, the whiplash is overwhelming. He goes from a blustering, grinning showoff to someone who looks morose, tired, and resigned. Then he says these lines:

...Whoa. He doesn’t smile genuinely, he only does it as a ruse. His confident front is just a facade, hiding overwhelming pressure and fear. But he must act strong, because it’s his duty. Even if he’s crumbling inside, he can’t reveal his true emotions. It must be symbolic: his emotional “true form” must be just as exhausted and withered as his physical one. What a fascinating, relatable way to represent how depression quietly wears a person down, until they’re emotionally hanging on by a thread and can only spend a few hours a day performing normalcy until they have to sneak off and revert to their burned-out true form.

Look at him wildly overacting to put on a strong front for the kid that he wants to inspire. Such sacrifi-

Um. Anyway, one of these days, the facade will fall, and we’ll get to see the true depths of the bleak, overwhelming depression that he feels such a need to bravely hide...

Hm. This is perplexing.

Now, even severely depressed people don’t just cry nonstop. They can drag themselves out of bed and stumble through the numb haze to do what has to be done. They can fake enthusiasm. They can also legitimately feel inspired by things, or laugh at jokes, or get wrapped up in a fun activity for a time. There are periods of normalcy, scattered in between the long swaths of gray.

So when we ask whether or not a character has depression, we shouldn’t be asking, “why can they smile and function,” but where are their swaths of gray? Where, in the series, do we see them experience bone-crushing fatigue, suffocating sadness and guilt, fixation on past failures, numbness and loss of pleasure in the things they once loved? Depression is a serious mood disorder which impacts how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. Yes, Toshinori has to intentionally fix a smile on his face when performing a hero persona that smiles nonstop. Does this mean he has a mental illness?

I’m going to go through a handful of behaviors and attitudes common to depression, and compare them to what we see from him. We can’t know a person’s inner thoughts 24/7, but something as serious as mental illness tends to leave signs.

(Note that I’m going to address the war arc in a separate section, after all this.)

Behaviors: Lack of energy/motivation

One of the most debilitating parts of depression is that it saps a person’s energy and motivation. It feels like constantly wading knee-deep through mud. Even mundane tasks become difficult and draining.

Behaviorally, this can manifest in all sorts of ways, but people often begin cutting back to the bare minimum essential tasks. It’s difficult to do even the necessities, much less any “extras.” They may stop engaging in leisure activities or hanging out with friends. They can begin missing deadlines or falling behind on work.

In Vigilantes chapter 6+ beta, set several years before the series, we do see an example of Toshinori falling behind on work:

But I would seriously question this as an example of depression-fueled fatigue. Immediately prior to this, we watched him catch a purse-snatcher, stop a hit-and-run, defeat a rampaging robot, prop up a falling bridge, and save a kitten from a tree, all within minutes of each other. The implication just seems to be that he is a workaholic maniac who would generate too many reports for himself no matter what.

Aside from this... I think there’s very little evidence that he lacks energy. At the start of the main series, Toshinori can only physically do hero work for 3 hours a day. And, to our knowledge, he always does so. (Even on his days off... which is what triggers the events of the show!) If you’re using Vigilantes canon, he is also working as his own secretary at the same time. Then he takes on Izuku’s training on top of this. Through the short training montage, we always see him with Izuku at the beach, even when he has nothing to do but cheer &/or heckle from the sidelines. We do see him briefly riding on a Segway, which could have indicated a need to conserve his energy if not for the fact that he dismounts after about five seconds in order to unnecessarily transform into his hero form and shake his successor around like a rag doll.

Then, he also starts working at U.A., a task which requires him to learn huge amounts of new information and integrate into a whole new environment. How does he cope? In the light novels, he goes out for drinks with the U.A. teachers to socialize. He repeatedly jumps to contribute more than necessary, such as when he pesters Aizawa to alter a rescue exercise so he can appear as a villain. In another rescue exercise (depicted in the light novels), he even appears as a villain in his true form—trying to contribute even when he doesn’t have All Might time. (He really seems to like playing villains...) The one time he misses class (USJ) it’s because he spent too much time doing hero work, and he still goes to the effort to show up at the end even though he only has 10 minutes of hero form time left.

Aside from the purely physical limitations caused by his injury, Toshinori has never indicated that he feels drained by his ridiculously demanding lifestyle. In fact, the narration emphasizes repeatedly, like here in chapter 15, that his problem is that he refuses to cut back. And it’s not “you work too hard for an old person with an awful injury.” It’s “you work too hard compared to any human being, holy shit, calm down.” He is always pushing himself to his limits.

What about motivation? He clearly has enough motivation to get all of his work done, as we’ve seen. But one of the chief reasons that Toshinori decided to train Izuku is because Izuku gave him motivation to act. This could be interpreted to mean that, before meeting Izuku, Toshinori had lost the drive to do his work.

But think about the rest of the story. We just discussed how Toshinori pushes himself to his limits. In this case, the action he found motivation to do was to push past his limits and start spitting blood. That’s a dangerous thing to aspire to, and the story tells us so. Throughout the narrative, we explore the harms of this overzealous self-sacrifice, both as it applies to him, and and as it applies to Izuku, who tries to imitate him.

It wasn’t that he was unmotivated to do hero work at all before meeting Izuku—he clearly was, as shown by the fact that he had already used up all his hero form time on his day off. He was just less motivated to go beyond reason in the process.

Toshinori’s problem has never been a lack of passion—it’s been that he has too much of it, and pushes himself way too hard as a result. Far from needing motivation to act, he is constantly told he needs rest. If Toshinori has depression, it is definitely not hampering his ability to get things done.

Behaviors: Isolation

People with depression often stop hanging out with friends, stop going out to events, and generally withdraw. This does not fit at all with the Toshinori we see in the series. Once the show kicks off, he’s more social than he’s ever been, juggling hero work, Izuku’s training, teaching, and socializing with his new coworkers. Even after the events of Kamino, when he would have plenty of justification to spend several days (or weeks) recuperating and processing his loss of One For All in solitude, he leaps out of his hospital bed within a day to make appearances on national television and punch his successor in the face.

What about how he seems to have no family or friends? He mentions in Vigilantes chapter 6+ beta that he has very few friends that he can exchange personal contact info with, presumably because of his high-profile existence. The isolation of being a public figure is definitely real.

But this post points out that, throughout his career, it seems like he deliberately chose to isolate himself, even when he had no need to. He simply seemed to prefer spending his free time saving people from crime rather than dating, networking, or hanging out with buddies on the weekends. Could this have been some kind of defensive trauma response? Maybe, or it could’ve been that he simply got more fulfillment from his work than from making lots of friends or starting a family. Plenty of people (and a lot of high achievers) do not consider social life to be the pinnacle of their existence. This does not mean they are mentally ill.

In any case, he’s certainly not isolating from people during the main series—in fact, we see more named relationships of his (Nana, Gran Torino, David Shield, Nighteye, Tsukauchi) than most other heroes in the show get.

Behaviors: Sleep/appetite/pain/etc

The one time we see Toshinori apparently having trouble sleeping is in episode 101, when Nezu gently calls him out for spending way too much time compiling information on past OFA users. I’d argue that this seems more related to his obsessive research than to the somatic effects of a mood disorder. (Again with the boundless drive to get things done—something not usually seen in depression.)

Other than this, we don’t see enough of Toshinori’s day-to-day life to have much insight on whether he suffers from sleep disturbances, appetite changes, unexplained pain, or the other physical symptoms that often accompany depression. Even if we did see these things, they could just be side-effects of his injury.

Speaking of his injury, it’s remarkable how few side-effects we are shown. I think it’s common to go, “Well, I am pretty sure that this injury should have a ton of side-effects and significantly impact his day-to-day life, and we don’t see that. Conclusion: these side-effects are there, but the show just doesn’t want to spend time showing them. In the same way, I think he has depression, but the show just isn’t directly showing it.” Hold that thought; I’ll address it later.

Depression isn’t just characterized by physical issues... it’s a mental disorder, after all. It tends to change a person’s thought patterns and pigeonhole them into predictable mindsets. So, let’s go through a few common ones and see how they compare to the way he acts.

Mindsets: Negativity/catastrophizing

Depression tends to blinker people. Under its influence, it’s very hard to see anything besides the negative sides of a situation. It makes people jump to the conclusion that things will probably go as badly as they possibly can.

This is... the absolute polar opposite of the way we see Toshinori act and think.

Two days into the school year, class 1-A is attacked by villains at the USJ. This event was a horrific disaster for Toshinori. He failed in his teaching duties by using up his muscle form and not arriving on time, and nearly lost his entire class and his coworker because of it. His time limit was massacred: he’s still supposed to be teaching and doing hero work and now he only has an hour per day to do it. Meanwhile, his successor still can’t use One For All without pulverizing his bones to dust.

How does he react?

Another example: Kamino. His true form was exposed to the world. His Quirk is finally gone forever, and his hopes for a smooth succession are ruined. Society is sure to destabilize from this, and villains are going to grow bolder than ever in a time when there is now no one strong enough to stand against them. How does he respond?

Okay, first he punches Izuku in the face and yells at him. But. He quickly turns it around to a message of praise and hope. He finds something good in Izuku’s constant recklessness: for the first time, Izuku managed to get out of a situation without harm. And he finds something good in the loss of his Quirk: now it means he can devote himself to raising Izuku. Fantastic positive reframing at work.

I could go on, but... just watch the show. It’s obvious. Toshinori’s positivity is one of his most defining character traits. He is constantly bringing up the positive, both to others and to himself. If the odds seem impossible, then just smash past those odds!

Mindsets: Indecisiveness/reluctance to act

In depression, indecisiveness can strike even with tasks as simple as deciding what to wear. People spin their wheels with anxiety and doubt, ruminating endlessly over what they should choose, thinking of all the times they’ve gotten things wrong in the past. Then they avoid making any decision at all out of fear that they might screw up yet again. The bigger the decision, the harder it is to act.

With that in mind, I’m just going to copy-paste some insightful shitposting from @journalxxx about Toshinori’s typical decision-making process:

"This kid I just met two hours ago is perfect, Imma make him my successor, no doubt about it. We're gonna start training tomorrow and I've already picked the perfect spot and also went and planned his whole life for the next ten months, down to the composition of his meals-"

"Yeah, that villain attack on day 2 of school sucked, it brought everyone's moods down... Oh. Oh! But you know what would be cool and instructive? Simulating ANOTHER VILLAIN ATTACK! Oh man, what an idea, hey Aizawa, listen-"

"Oh, my friend's daughter wrote to me to just invite me on a trip after years? Hm, I should maybe think about it for a moment, given the schedules of my new job, my secret health issues, the recent villain attacks- PSYCH, LET ME CALL MY PRIVATE JET PILOT, I'M LEAVING RIGHT NOW- OOOH, AND I'M BRINGING THE KID WITH ME, THIS'LL BE AWESOME-"

(He didn’t even give Izuku time to change out of his school uniform. Why take 30 seconds to change when you could GO GO GO RIGHT NOW?)

Toshinori is the one who introduced the concept that real heroes “move before they think,” and by god, he lives and breathes this motto. Both the Tsukauchi identity reveal and the USJ fiasco happened because he got wrapped up in hero work: when he sees someone in need, he doesn’t hesitate for a second; he immediately hits the ground running. One would assume that, as his time limit got shorter, we would see him agonizing and deliberating about how best to use it... but we don’t.

For the most part, he makes decisions quickly and confidently and then sticks to them. Even with his life’s biggest, ultimate ambition, he apparently ran first and worked out the details later.

He does have a lot of difficulty initiating personal conversations: it takes him far too long to reveal important backstory info like the origin of OFA, and he had a lot of trouble reconnecting with people like Gran Torino and Nighteye. But this seems like a reluctance to open up, not an inability to choose. He’s always been a secretive person who would rather not talk about himself and who would prefer to conceal facts if it helps create a more positive and uplifting atmosphere. With most other situations, he could honestly benefit from a bit more indecision before impulsively leaping into things.

Mindsets: Lack of pleasure

This one is obviously subjective. We can’t exactly ask him, and the whole premise that kicked off this examination is the idea that he’s faking a smile to hide his fear and pain. But even so, it is really difficult to look at things like the first minute of episode 58 and conclude that he’s not having a genuinely great time.

I can’t know for certain, but I am pretty sure that he doesn’t ham it up like this because he’s grudgingly going along with what his media team ordered. I am pretty sure he made a lot of his career and branding choices because he just thought they were really fun and wanted an excuse to burst into rooms while dabbing and shouting corny catchphrases. He doesn’t need to be a huge, ridiculous goof, but he seems to love it, both in hero and in true form.

There’s a frequent idea that the only reason Toshinori works so diligently for so long, and acts so enthusiastic in his hero form, is not because it brings him happiness, but because he’s driven by workaholism. He has to be “on” 24/7 in front of others. If he stopped, or dropped his cheery facade, he would feel crushing guilt for letting down the image he’s supposed to uphold. Therefore: it isn’t that he feels happiness or pleasure from his work like it appears—he doesn’t, he’s desperately depressed and burned-out—he’s just even more desperately trying to avoid shame. There’s no joy in the excessive act he puts on.

There is no question that he’s a workaholic. Multiple characters tell him this to his face. When he talks about why he became a hero, he usually phrases it as feeling driven in some way, rather than “it’s just so nice and enjoyable to save people.” Other people refer to his drive as a “madness.” And throughout the whole story, he struggles with feelings that he’s not doing enough, despite going above and beyond pretty much constantly.

He has stated, several times, that his work is not easy. It’s not all smiles. In fact, it can be crushing, something he mentions in chapter 317.

But does this mean he has gotten no enjoyment from his hero persona? That it was never anything but a horrible slogging trap of obligation and guilt? That seems absurd. It disrespects his compassion and the earnestness of his heroic motives. Are we really supposed to believe that he gets no happiness from reuniting families after a disaster? No warm satisfaction from a job well done, or joy from inspiring people? Not even a smidge of pride from being fawned over? It’s a very hard job, but who’s to say it isn’t worth it?

In the end, we don’t have direct narrative proof either way. He does not look at the camera and tell us, “I feel immense pleasure and fulfillment in my life.” But he also does not say, “I am drowning in sorrow and nothing brings me joy.” To me, it seems most plausible that his drive to work is driven both by enjoyment and aversion... the same as most things in life. People have complex relationships with their jobs and goals. There’s no work in the world that is nonstop fun with no downsides.

Workaholism is definitely a red flag. But it cannot be used to determine someone’s mood or even their opinion of their work. You cannot assert “this person must feel no pleasure from their job” just because it’s hard and they would feel guilty if they quit. The person would need to show several other worrying patterns before this would become a plausible idea. And meanwhile, I think there’s quite a few signs that he experiences genuine happiness on the regular.

Mindsets: Excessive guilt/regret

Toshinori has the tendency to apologize for things that are not his fault. He is the classic overreaching hero, taking the weight of the world on his shoulders. Some examples:

Both after the Stain arc and after Shigaraki ambushes Izuku at the mall, he apologizes that he wasn’t there to protect Izuku.

After the Summer Forest Training incident, he is mortified that he was blissfully taking a bath while his students struggled for their lives.

He apologizes to Aizawa when Katsuki picks a fight with Izuku, saying that he should’ve been more sensitive to Katsuki’s mental state. No, Katsuki’s just feral.

He apologizes that he wasn’t able to be more helpful to Izuku in the Villain Hunt arc. Yeah, because Izuku ditched him!

This seems like a natural consequence of his grand hero goals and the overpowered Quirk he lived with for 40 years. It makes sense that, as his power wanes, he is going to have trouble letting go of his overinflated sense of responsibility. At the same time, he seems aware of this issue and knows that it’s unreasonable, shown when he comments in chapter 22 that he and Izuku are alike in their compulsion to personally apologize for everyone else’s problems.

In addition... he is also just a polite Japanese guy, even if he steals Western superhero imagery left and right. In the U.S, this kind of behavior looks dysfunctional, but in Japan, it’s customary to politely apologize all the time for the most unnecessary things. The notes below come from a story draft that Horikoshi, this show’s mangaka, gave to his animation studio. These notes are an example of normal Japanese humility!

(Note that the finished OVA almost exactly followed this so-called "incoherent" script.)

Interestingly, despite this reflexive apologizing, he doesn’t seem to dwell on his failures for long. Excessive guilt and regret is all about rumination. Izuku is a great example of this, as he does it repeatedly, mulling over old topics and beating himself up after the fact.

But Toshinori behaves very differently. He is forced to confront and deliver a lot of bad news over this series, but he usually handles it in a remarkably non-judgmental and matter-of-fact way. And then, we almost never see him revisit it in order to berate himself. Examples:

At the USJ, he says “I’m sorry, Aizawa,” when seeing the awful injuries he could have prevented if he had been there... and that is the last we hear about it. We don’t ever see him bring up the incident again to fret about how he should have been there or done better. Instead, he brags about how Class 1-A did a stellar job and how the villains picked the wrong fight. (Positive reframing, again!)

When he learns about All For One being alive again, he’s naturally upset... but we don’t see him berating himself for failing to do the job right the first time. He has a lot to be guilty for: Izuku now has to face the horror he couldn’t defeat. But he doesn’t really get down on himself for it.

When he learns about Shigaraki being Nana’s grandson, he is naturally horrified. He tries, later, to take on the task of saving Shigaraki. But Gran Torino and Tsukauchi immediately shoot down his idea and tell him it’s not his task. He still does what he can to help the war effort, but I don’t recall him revisiting this topic to ruminate over his failure to save his master’s grandchild.

When asking Inko’s permission to let Izuku keep going to U.A., he spends very little time begging forgiveness. He immediately turns it around and asks her to... think on the bright side of things, and imagine the good instead of ruminating on the bad.

Nighteye is one of the few exceptions. When Toshinori speaks with Endeavor shortly after Nighteye’s death, it’s clear that he still feels regret about the way he cut Nighteye off so long ago. Nighteye also haunts his thoughts later... which I’ll get to.

Interestingly, I believe the story strongly suggests that he ruminates and apologizes too little, and that this is a character flaw. For example, in episode 5, after the entrance exam, when Izuku asks him whether he knew One For All was going to shatter all his bones, Toshinori doesn’t berate himself for causing his student horrific pain. Instead, he replies with... a thumbs-up, a big grin, and a lame pun.

In fact, unless I’m forgetting, he has never apologized to Izuku for his harsh speech on the rooftop, for all the bone-breaking, for failing to defeat AFO the first time, for withholding vital information, or for generally doing a terrible job as a mentor. There are many, many fix-it fics out there that are clearly frustrated about this behavior. It has taken him over 300 chapters to begin to self-reflect and realize the folly in this. As of this writing (chapter 360) he still hasn’t gotten around to giving his successor a proper apology that actually addresses his real failings, instead of a generic “sorry I couldn’t save the day.”

So he apologizes for things he shouldn’t, and doesn’t apologize for things that he should. Flawed? Yes. But overall pretty low on the guilt and regret.

The tally so far

Lack of energy/motivation: none we can see. He is on the go constantly.

Isolation: none we can see. He seems to prefer work over idle socializing, but it would be hard to expect much else from the #1 hero.

Other physical symptoms: none we can see.

Negativity/catastrophizing: pretty much none, impressive considering this series is a giant string of disasters. He is practical with bad news and practices positive reframing all the time.

Indecisiveness/reluctance to act: he is extremely decisive, almost too much so.

Lack of pleasure: subjective, but he seems to have plenty of genuine fun.

Guilt/regrets: apologizes for stuff he shouldn’t, but does not dwell on things. In fact, his refusal to self-reflect on his mistakes could be considered a flaw.

This is why I bothered to make this post at all. The depression take has always fascinated me because from what I can see, it’s not just that it’s debatable: it’s that most of his behaviors seem like the polar opposite of what you’d normally see in a person suffering from depression.

I am not trying to say that he is perfectly well-adjusted and has absolutely no problems. He is a clear workaholic and has dangerously skewed opinions about his limits and his sense of responsibility. He is extremely reluctant to open up about personal topics and tends to hold people at a distance. He does not self-reflect on things he should—this could be a sign that he dissociates from his flaws instead of facing them. All I’m saying is that these problems do not seem to involve depression as it’s normally understood.

But I’ve left out an important scene, one of the most decisive in this entire discussion.

Fighting Fate

This scene, starting in chapter 130, is considered proof positive that Toshinori had pretty much given up on life, at least before he met Izuku. Because Toshinori straight-out admits that, when Nighteye told him that he was going to die, he went right ahead and accepted it.

What kind of person would just roll over and accept death? Only someone who’s lost all hope, right?

You may be anticipating a rebuttal. Good instincts.

Think back to the hospital scene where this prophecy happened. Toshinori had just experienced a devastating injury, something he would never truly recover from. Considering his usual invulnerability, it was also, most likely, the first time he’d ever been badly injured in the line of duty. Imagine how terrifying and bleak life must have felt, constantly wondering whether he’d die suddenly and uncontrollably at any instant from the thousands of complications that can come from losing so many vital organs. He decided to use whatever remaining time he had left to uphold his duties as the Symbol of Peace, at least until a successor could be found to take his place.

But then... Nighteye informed him that he was, essentially, guaranteed to survive for an entire six or seven more years. And not only that... he would die while facing off against a villain, which presumably meant he could do hero work during that time. That had to be incredible news for someone who didn’t know whether his remaining life was going to be measured in years, or weeks, or days, or hours. It must have been an enormous relief. And it’s no wonder he skipped right out the hospital doors, if he had been promised he would survive for years to come no matter what. I mean, why wouldn’t you fight as much crime as you could if you had the guarantee that you would never die for at least half a decade?

To me, his behavior perfectly aligns with the attitudes we’ve seen in the previous sections. He knew, better than almost anyone, how infallible Nighteye’s prophecies were. So he didn’t dwell on the unfairness of it or hesitantly spin his wheels while pining for a rosier solution. He just immediately chose to make the best of what he was given. To me, that doesn’t look like depression or hopelessness at all: that looks like a remarkably proactive, pragmatic approach to one’s inevitable mortality. (It also looks like raging workaholism to try and go back to work while still barely able to walk, but nobody’s perfect, and again: I think this driven behavior fits workaholism way better than it fits depression.)

In the real world, if somebody got a terminal diagnosis with a fixed time frame like this, Nighteye’s desperate bargaining (“We’ll change things! Somehow! In some unspecified way!”) would be considered the dysfunctional attitude, while All Might’s resolution to get on with his life would be the well-adjusted, healthy one. His only “flaw” was that he didn’t idealistically assume he could escape the inevitable just by really, really wanting it to happen.

But luckily, Izuku came along to remind him that he lives in a superhero comic. And so, when he reached his finish line... he rose up, sent his optimistic streak into overdrive, and refused to accept his fate.

To me, this fight was astonishing. Because depression is crushing. Depression is exhausting. The urge to lie down and give up is overwhelmingly powerful. Even if you can push past it in order to do your duty, it’s always still there, weighing you down, whispering in the back of your mind.

But we got to listen to the thoughts inside his head during this fight, and we didn’t hear those whispers, not for a moment. He never wistfully said goodbye to the relief of that finish line, or mused that it would have been nice for his pain to finally be over. He never complained that his responsibilities were too heavy. He didn’t push back those negative thoughts—because they weren’t even there in the first place. Instead, his mind was filled with thoughts of his loved ones and the duty that gives him purpose. He ignored AFO’s taunts, pushed aside the awful shock of learning about Tenko, and chose to defeat his destiny.

How My Hero Academia handles hidden emotions

(Spoilers ahead for anime-only watchers)

You may be saying at this point, “This nitpicking is pointless. We heard him say that he smiles to cover up the pain. So of course we wouldn’t see symptoms. Clearly, he’s just stoically hiding his suffering. He has no energy, but he makes himself get up in the morning. He consciously pushes aside the dark thoughts and chooses to be uplifting. He doesn’t complain because he needs to set a good example.”

You may also be saying, “This is unfair. You’ve barely said a word about the Aizawa bench scene or the Stain confrontation in any of your examples.” That’s right! I’m going to get to those now.

One thing I learned pretty quickly is that this show is not coy about telling us when a character is having trouble, even if they are trying to hide it. When Ida was trying to “show a strong face” during the Stain arc, his attempts to hide his distress in chapters 45 and 46 were about as subtle to the audience as a sack of bricks.

We see this same pattern in many other characters. Here is an example from Izuku in chapter 163, putting on a brave face and claiming he’s fine. Note how the narration beats us over the head with the fact that he is not, in fact, fine.

Endeavor and Hawks also come to mind as characters who put on a stoic face towards others. And yet, we are given inner thoughts and private moments where we see their true feelings. I’m pretty sure Bakugo is the one who’s been consistently the most mysterious about his true feelings, which is saying something. This show is not subtle overall.

Initially, when we didn’t see this happening with Toshinori, I thought that he was just being Plus Ultra once again. His whole arc is about hiding the truth of himself, right? So of course he’d hide his exhaustion and pain from the successor he’s trying to inspire. He doesn’t want to inconvenience others, or draw attention to his own problems. He must be so good at deflecting concern that he can even hide it from the narration!

But then, the series continued, and... suddenly, we started getting the same blatant signs that we got from every other character. We were shown, very plainly, that he was struggling with feelings of being unable to help like he once could. As soon as Aizawa asked him what was wrong in episode 113, he plainly stated, “I am struggling with feelings of being unable to help people like I once could.”

What? He just casually blurts out his troubles to a coworker the second they question him? What happened to “put on a smile at all costs”? What happened to stoically hiding his sadness no matter what, to the point that there’s no evidence he’s sad at all?

As the stability of the nation crumbles and things get worse and worse and worse, he gets less and less subtle. He starts dwelling on his past failures, thinking about Nighteye over and over, and berating himself for his shortcomings. He tries his best to keep his turmoil hidden, and for the most part, it’s kept private from other characters. But we see it clear as day. We are clearly shown tons of blaring depression warning signs: feelings of worthlessness, lack of motivation, rumination, guilt, indecisiveness, hopelessness.

At the climax of it all in chapter 326, he goes wandering off dramatically in the rain (subtle!!) and freely discusses his negative thoughts during a truly wild serial killer therapy session.

We, the audience, are very clearly shown every step of his pain. And after he’s processed through it for a while, he leaps with both feet back into proactive, positive action, doggedly contributing to the war effort, the same energetic behavior he shows during the entire rest of the show. He’s definitely shaken, and may very well still be dealing with persistent negative thoughts (“crawling through the mud,”) but his spirit is not broken, and he’s pushing forward as best he can.

Will he backslide after this? Who knows; the manga isn’t done yet as of this writing. But it sure looks like a typical character crisis/resolution arc. He went through a harrowing time of self-doubt, and by chapter 327, came back out of it with renewed determination to help and faith in his students and in the future.

So what gives? This certainly looks more like a classic depressive episode than anything we’ve seen thus far. All in all, it comes off remarkably similar to the way that pretty much every other character’s emotional troubles are handled: blatantly. And he picks himself back up really fast.

Some might say that he was always secretly depressed, and only opened up to Aizawa because the stress was just too much and he broke down. But I argue, again—My Hero Academia tells us when its characters are experiencing emotions, even if they conceal them from the rest of the cast. It makes no sense for Toshinori to be an exception.

For the first 250 chapters of the show, Toshinori does not show any signs of lethargy, excessive rumination, negativity, feelings of worthlessness, or other signs that typically accompany depression. We get plenty of glimpses into his private, inner thoughts during this time. We even get to watch him hiding his emotions! And, like almost every other instance of characters hiding their emotions (this example in chapter 59), his true feelings are crystal-clear to the audience. (He’s also not very subtle in general. Not really a master at concealing his distress.)

Then, we get a character arc where he does display all those depression warning flags, very clearly and straightforwardly, in much the same way that the show portrays other characters trying to deal with mental distress. So what does that mean for the beginning of the show, when we never saw anything like that?

The clearest explanation of all this, to me... is that Toshinori has never been playing 5-D chess with the narrative. What we saw is what he felt. We can now tell that he was never cleverly trying to bluster through depressive attitudes back then, because we now know what it actually looks like when he’s trying to bluster through depressive attitudes. His remarkable ability to act like someone who does not have a mood disorder makes much more sense if he does not, in fact, have a mood disorder.

Except for one thing... the rooftop scene that started all of this.

What was going on there? If he never had depression, why did the show start off with such a wild red herring? Why have him announce that he was hiding horrible, crushing anguish, then turn around and make him act perfectly normal for the vast majority of the show?

Heading back to the rooftop

This gets into very speculative territory. But please hear it out, and decide if it makes more sense than secret-depression-with-no-symptoms. To me, the key is to look at the whole rooftop scene in context.

Let’s think about it from Toshinori’s point of view. He’s just been accosted by, from what he can tell, a rabid fanboy with no sense of boundaries. He has no idea how important Izuku’s dream is, and Izuku doesn’t exactly sell his ambition very well.

Izuku is a skinny, timid little string bean who clearly hasn’t trained for a day in his life. He describes saving people as... “cool.” And now he’s blithely asking if it’s possible to become a hero on All Might’s level without a Quirk. To Toshinori, Izuku probably looks like just another head-in-the-clouds, delusional fanboy. (There’s plenty of room to argue that this was exactly Izuku’s mindset until Toshinori dropped opportunity into his lap. He did not seem to actually try very hard, he just had a lot of vague dreams and a notebook blog. But that’s for another discussion.)

Toshinori probably encounters dozens of kids who act just like Izuku every day: kids with no sense of perspective, who look at heroes and thoughtlessly go “that looks cool, I wanna do that.” After all, earlier in the chapter, every single kid in Izuku’s class seemed to be planning a hero career, including the kids with amazing powers such as “has a long neck” and “has puffy cheeks.” Good luck with that, kids.

I wouldn’t be surprised if All Might’s example specifically causes problems with expectations: he makes everything look fun and effortless, easily saving everyone with a smile, so young fans make unrealistic assumptions about what hero work is actually like. Long-neck kid is going to get a horribly rude awakening when he realizes how traumatic the profession can be and how unsuited his Quirk is for the job. It’s got to hurt Toshinori, knowing that he’s inadvertently setting up innocent children for this kind of shock and disillusionment. And now, he’s seeing those unrealistic assumptions play out in this youngster, who’s already reckless enough to do dangerous things like grab his leg when he’s about to launch into the air with the speed of a jet plane.

It’s probably hard to talk kids out of this idealistic mindset. But because Izuku has seen his true form, Toshinori suddenly has a lot of options available that he usually doesn’t. The cat is already out of the bag, so now he can use the reality of his situation to give this kid the biggest wake-up call possible. Hence showing him the scar. Hence talking about his smile.

My takeaway is: when he talked about his smile hiding his fear, I now don’t think Toshinori was trying to make some kind of deep personal admission about how he has to conceal his true feelings. It wasn’t really about his feelings at all. It was simply about trying to convey a sense of reality to Izuku. “Look, I don’t smile because this job is effortless, even though I make it look easy. In reality, hero work is difficult and frightening. Please understand the gravity of what you’re trying to get into. Even I haven’t come out unscathed.”

He’s been through hell. His job is much harder than it looks. But I don’t think he’s trying to tell a child he just met that he’s secretly depressed and living a double life. Despite the struggles he’s been through, his positivity, drive, and hope are genuine, and we see that clearly throughout the entire rest of the show. He just doesn’t want this poor kid to get the wrong idea about hero work.

I hope all this was able to demonstrate why, nowadays, I don’t think he was suffering chronic depression during this series. Now, before the series? We can’t know. I’m sure that he was devastated after Nana’s death, and had a nightmarish time trying to adjust to the reality of his injury. But over a long period of time? I seriously question whether he would have been able to accomplish the superhuman career that he did while juggling a chronic mood disorder—to me, it belittles the debilitating nature of this condition to claim, “well, he pushed past all the hampering symptoms just by being so driven and noble.”

We saw him go through a crisis in the war arc, and he is likely still dealing with that internally. To me, the fact that he picked himself back up so fast just makes it even more unlikely that he has been quietly buckling under a long-term mood disorder this whole time. I don’t think he was hiding crushing, overwhelming negative feelings and putting on a brave face, because this series shows us whenever characters—including him—do things like that. He’s had a hard life, and he has plenty of problems, but I don’t think that this mood disorder has been one of them.

But why doesn’t he have depression!?

More than the rooftop, more than anything else, I think one of the biggest reasons people headcanon Toshinori as having depression &/or PTSD is simply because they take one look at his laundry list of tragedies and go: “there’s no way in hell a person wouldn’t be messed up after all that.”

And... yeah. That’s a very reasonable point.

In fact, I’d take it even farther: every single person in this show should probably be more traumatized than they actually are. Class 1-A? They should all be on a first-name basis with their therapists by now, with everything they’ve been through. And yet, canonically, they don’t show significant signs of trauma. They process their hardships and then go on to do things like their schoolwork and coordinated dance routines.

This is where we have to accept that this is a shonen series. The poor author is caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, it’s implausible and lazy to just ignore the entire topic of mental trauma, especially with a cast full of children who are experiencing violent crimes firsthand. But realistically depicted mental illness requires huge amounts of time and care to properly address, and characters with mental illness tend to have trouble doing protagonist-y things, like running off to save the world. If the story were to give the cast “realistic” levels of trauma, then the plot would instantly grind to a halt, dragged down by the severe psychiatric problems of 20 teenagers.

What’s interesting is that the series doesn’t just pretend the issue doesn’t exist. During the rescue OVA that takes place directly after the horrific events of USJ, Aizawa tells Toshinori that he shouldn’t throw a random villain surprise into their training exercise because it might be traumatizing.

(But then they go ahead and do it anyway.)

Later, after the villain attack of the Forest Training Camp Arc, Nezu specifically says in chapter 86 that the kids received psychological evaluations.

So the show clearly indicates it’s aware of the risks... it just decides that the main characters miraculously happen to be super-resilient. Which seems implausible, and gets more and more implausible the longer the series lasts... but it’s not impossible. There are lots of factors that can have a protective effect against mental trauma, such as being a protagonist in a shonen series.

Honestly, I’d rather have this over-optimistic approach than have the story try to be “realistic.” Because, let’s be real, kids’ action-adventure shows usually can’t handle these issues tactfully. Just look at what happened when they tried to depict super-duper serious trauma with Eri. This poor girl had been tortured and abused for so long that she couldn’t even smile... but in episode 86, shoving her into a noisy, overwhelming concert magically rekindled her joy instead of, say, causing her to massacre half the student body in a panic attack. That’s just how these sorts of stories go... this show does not have the time or space to have her spend a decade in therapy like she probably needs in order to handle an event like this.

(But gosh, look how cute it is.)

Same thing with Toshinori. Should he have more medical symptoms than we see? Probably, but it would drag down the story. And if the show actually gave him chronic PTSD, then Japan would have likely become a smoking crater a long time ago. In my opinion, the only way he could canonically have PTSD and still keep the story moving is if he just so happened to have a conveniently neutered version of the disorder that never caused any meaningful trouble... and that’s pretty disrespectful to a serious real-life illness. I can get why the author might have looked at this dilemma and decided to avoid giving him PTSD at all. Not out of ignorance, but out of respect and a desire not to misrepresent the condition.

This is exactly why fanworks are so useful: because they aren’t constrained by the many limitations of the main story. They can look at what it might be like if Eri actually needed a decade in therapy. They can see what might happen if Toshinori completely fell apart, or accidentally hurt someone in a moment of panic.

However... please think about the kind of message it sends to say, “Well, obviously, he should have depression/PTSD. He would definitely have them if this weren’t a shonen series. I’m doing honor to his true character to give him these conditions.” Losing a loved one does not automatically doom a person to trauma disorders or mood disorders that persist 40 years after the event. Injuries, even terrible ones, do not automatically doom a person to trauma disorders or mood disorders either. It is horribly bleak to make these claims like they’re givens.

It is also so, so saddening to see so many assumptions that his career as the Symbol of Peace came at the cost of his happiness, or that he lacked purpose or meaning in his life before meeting Izuku. It feels like such a disservice to his heroic spirit and his desire to make a difference in the world. It must have felt so good, so incredibly fulfilling, to be able to help so many people and raise so many spirits, even for a few hours a day. Who wouldn’t feel satisfaction from being able to play such an amazing role? Notice how we only started to see the negative thoughts really creep in once he lost his hero form for good.

He doesn’t need to have suffered through his whole career for his relationship with Izuku to be life-changing. In fact, I think it is much more meaningful if he felt true happiness from his career before starting to teach. Imagine the pain of losing something so important, so joyful, so immensely fulfilling, your life’s work. It would take something equally special and meaningful to fill that deep void and pull him out of the despair we saw in the war arc.

I wasn’t born yesterday; I know that fanfic exists to let us gleefully torture our favorite characters as much as we feel like. Sometimes, at the end of the day, you just gotta give them a debilitating mental disorder. But I question the constant message that optimism and good deeds are worth more if they’re forced out past a pall of suffering. Sometimes, it’s nice to be reminded that people can go through hell and still come out smiling... a genuine smile, not hiding a thing.

(Thanks to @journalxxx for lots of help and input on this post)

#meta #toshinori yagi #bnha #bnha manga spoilers

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