#((I've never had gender dysphoria this bad before.))
I think I'm secure enough in my reasoning to go into detail about some personal information.
This post concerns my identity, and I discuss negative times in my life and poor mental health. Please be warned before you read this post.
To anyone who's known me for a while, this information is important to me and it's a bit of a shake-up to my portrayal on Tumblr going back a long time. Any input you have, any advice or commentary or anything about this would be appreciated.
Recently on GameFAQs, a user discovered a subreddit called egg_irl and began to take estrogen. He's still using he/him pronouns, but he wants to be a more feminine person - so he's undergoing a degree of transition with the understanding that he might fully transition later on, or he might continue to refer to himself as a man. This seems to be working out really good for him - he used to be really angry, and he'd lash out at users and mods over stupid shit, and this process has brought him some degree of calm and personal understanding.
A small community of trans and questioning users sprang out of his egg_irl threads, and I've been hanging around there lately because I like the atmosphere. I've also started browsing egg_irl, and I really like the memes there. I tend to binge-browse that subreddit when I'm in a bad way, and it makes me feel better.
You might be thinking this is a post about my recent gender exploration and discovery - and to a degree, it is.
But I've actually nurtured an interest in feminine presentation for years. I bought make-up and clothes in 2018, and I've had a feminine name in mind for years beforehand. Whether I'm trans or GNC or non-binary or genderfluid, I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I'm not cis, and I've been hiding the bulk of it for years.
I remember a point where I believed in fluidity of gender and sexuality. But I've closed off almost completely about that side of things, for reasons I'm still thinking about. I think a part of this had to do with wanting to pass as straight and cis, with trying to improve my life to a point where I would be attractive to the sort of women I'm attracted to.
I thought that maybe I was living vicariously through a presentation I wanted to experience in my ideal woman. I thought maybe all of this was an expression of my low self-esteem, embodying the sort of woman I wanted to be with because I never believed I would ever be attractive enough for someone like that - and so, I would become that woman, and enjoy the attention that such a presentation would bring.
I gave myself a couple of years to try and sort myself out, go "straight" - or in this case, bi - to win the affections of a woman who I felt comfortable being myself around. But I just don't feel right. Despite my attraction to a woman in my life, it was never enough for me to get off my ass and improve myself enough to be an attractive man. Every time I got depressed, I would completely shut down again, even if I still loved being around her all the time.
Maybe it's a depression thing, maybe it's a gender thing. I think it's a depression thing exacerbated by a gender thing.
I'm hesitant to talk about any of this because I'm definitely mentally ill, and I'm worried that I'm conflating my lifelong depression with potentially being trans. I don't want to go all in on being trans, then realise that I'm just incredibly depressed whether I'm a man or a woman and have to navigate the life I upheaved. I need to get a round of antidepressants and see how my life improves from a cis standpoint, and then try to introduce genderqueer aspects to see how I mesh with them.
Another roadblock is that a lot of my mental illness stems from 10 years of bullying, from early primary school to late high school. My recent thought process has led me to believe that as someone who spent most of my childhood friendless and alone, I never really got to develop my own identity - I didn't have anyone else to really form a "self" from. And I still suffer from a lack of "self", to the point that I just don't know how to talk to other people unless I'm talking about myself in tandem to the topic at hand.
It's to the point where my own name is uncomfortable to me, because I don't think I've ever felt comfortable with anyone using it. I don't feel comfortable being perceived by others, which is bolstered by my childhood on the internet behind usernames. People perceive the username and the character, not me - and I'm comfortable with that. It's me, filtered through a front that other people interact with in my stead.
But my name is a very personal, vulnerable thing, and I don't think I like being addressed by it. I've justified my feelings by saying I would probably like it in an intimate setting - if it's used by someone I love behind closed doors, I would probably like it a lot more. But I haven't had a relationship where that's happened. Partially because I haven't had a relationship with someone I love - I've had one mediocre romantic relationship that we both half-assed, and nothing else since then - and partially because I've never grown to become comfortable with anyone using my name, not even friends and family.
Maybe that's because I have a fractured sense of identity due to emotional distance from everyone in my life, and I would feel that bad whether I was cis or queer. Or maybe it's because I'm trans, genderfluid or otherwise gnc, and I'm having a bad reaction to my deadname.
Back on track - the reason I'm talking about gender now is A) because of how nice those GameFAQs topics have been making me feel, as well as browsing egg_irl, B) because I'm wondering why I was othered for so long as a child, why people began bullying me and why they didn't stop - basically why I am the way I am - and I think being queer might be a part of that, and C) because I've been browsing through old photos of myself and getting these rushes of gender euphoria whenever I see pictures of myself that align with how I want to present all the time.
And as much as I want to wait for the jury's decision, as much as I want to test my mental health and gender expression separately to see if it's either/or - I'm just not in a place in my life where my mental health resources are cutting it. I'm extremely sad all the time, and I'm sober so it's been even harder to cope, and I have trouble opening up to anyone because I've been spending too much time with them and I don't think they want me around.
I figure that browsing egg_irl to cheer myself up, reading the dysphoria bible in the hopes of finding answers about myself and falling in with a crowd of trans and questioning users on another website is a sign that whatever my identity is and however I feel about myself, acknowledging the queerness about my gender is probably a positive thing to do.
So yeah. I think I might be genderfluid or non-binary. I don't mind presenting masc, but presenting as fem has been a guilty pleasure of mine for a long time and it kills me every time I have to go "PSA I'm a cis man, I understand if trans people don't want me commenting on trans stuff or in the trans community, I mean well but I understand if you don't want to hear anything coming from a cis man". Gender euphoria sounds amazing, and I've said as much in the past year when I learned about it for the first time - and I think I've experienced it when I find myself looking incredibly androgynous or fem.
So... yeah. That's what's up with me lately.
Next post in this series will probably cover some triggering topics and events, but for now I want to share some pictures of myself that make me feel what I perceive to be gender euphoria:
To this day I still miss that green hoodie, the fuck
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hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)
a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.
so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').
it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).
i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.
i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know. i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.
i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry
[Edited for formatting]
I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.
We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.
If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:
Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls.
They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.
If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t!
It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.
Trans people experience doubt.
We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience.
This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.
The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia.
Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.
It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.
You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.
(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)
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thank you ange!! okay so I'm recently coming to terms with being an nb trans guy despite id-ing as an nb lesbian previously. i've known for a while, but i'm just now telling people who are important to me for the first time and pursuing transition. my gf has been super supportive. i love her deeply. i KNOW i'm into women and many nb people, but lately i've been questioning if i like men or not. i know that since becoming more comfortable with my transmasc identity i've been fantasizing (1/4)
about situations with men, specifically other transmascs, and sometimes fictional / celeb men somewhat incessantly. like it's my go to fantasy right now. but i'm not sure i've ever been like attracted to a real guy irl. in fact i'm actively repulsed by many men. i guess all the transmascs in my life (my bro, my best friend) have only ever been in same gender relationships since coming out and i don't know if i'm genuinely into men or if like being mlm is just how i understand trans (2/4)
identity bc of the people in my life. like on one hand i really want for a guy to be attracted to me as a guy and care for me, that sounds so pleasant and gender affirming. the thought makes me happy. but it's also v possible that bc i identified as a lesbian before this i'm just sort of biased against heterosexuals and i'm not mentally prepared for the transhet label. like maybe being a straight guy in a ""queer"" relationship is too confusing to me. idk. me and my gf are openly polyam (3/4)
so i don't know if this desire to pursue men is like genuine potentially bisexual attraction or just some last ditch effort for gender affirmation or to escape straightness. i know on one hand it's not really that important but it's just so hard to categorize these thoughts and feelings and i was curious if you (or maybe any followers) had any thoughts about that. thank you so much. really (4/4)
hi yeah!!! first of all congrats on the new Gender, i hope its giving you all the joy & peace u deserve! & im especially glad u have ur gf to support u thru all of this. from my experience at least the switch from lesbian to well, not that, felt particularly difficult & having the positive ppl in my life rly made a big difference
this ended up rly long so under a cut it goes
like u said before u can rly only answer these questions for urself BUT i can tell u what happened for me & what i rly asked myself!
my attraction to women has like, pretty much never been in question. i realized i liked girls age 12 and since then the fluctuations have been based on whether men were involved also lol. during my strongest time identifying as a lesbian, i definitely still had some attraction to men - but it was typically in the context of unattainable men & fictional characters, which sounded like comphet to me so i just didnt worry about it. most men disgusted me & i didnt rly have any close male friends. the closest man in my life was a recent ex that i had difficult feelings surrounding so i preferred to just, ignore it lol. i felt especially disgusted by the idea of being with a man while i identified rly strongly as a woman - both b/c of a revulsion to str8ness lol and also just like. discomfort w the way men see women u know? not to mention i was nonbinary even as a woman, and i had faith that women i dated would see that - i didnt have that faith in potential men i’d date
the real Crisis thing for me was actually developing a crush on my then guy best friend / now boyfriend lol! i didnt understand how i could be feeling so strongly about him when i was supposedly a “lesbian”. i’d already been questioning my gender for a time and that just added more confusion for me
& i did a lot of rly long & hard thinking about it, reflected on my own interests (previous partners/crushes, unattainable crushes, etc.), how my own gender played into it, etc.
the conclusion i came to was:
1. my attraction to men (irl, attainable ones) is rly dependent on trust. the fact of the matter is ive just never been in that many close, trusting relationships with men so crushes rarely developed. but when they did it rly v obvious it was genuine so i believed it was true, and
2. i do think my gender has a lot to do with it! i feel a lot of the same gender euphoria ur talking about when it comes to my relationship with my boyfriend. idk if id call myself transmasc truly but that element of my identity is rly tied to my attraction to men. aand
2b. i think a lot of my stress surrounding relationships with men in the past (like i talked about with dating them as a woman) has been about dysphoria. i didnt feel like it was possible to be with a man before that wouldnt be dysphoria-inducing - but instead it gives me gender euphoria!! which rules!!
3. oh and also like. when it comes to unattainable men im into cis & trans men, but of ppl ive known/been into personally its p much always been trans guys. i felt a lot of guilt around that before, but i do think that just has to do with t4t feelings & that feeling of trust! so unpacking that as being ok also made a difference for me
i do get ur concern about avoiding straightness - i havent had that specific concern, but i do think i was rly moralistic about my attraction to men. like, i felt like being bi didnt fit with my feminist politics, you know? and im definitely bi, so that was bad for me. so i do wanna say: if youre not into men, thats okay!! being a trans guy who loves women is wonderful in its own way, and i dont want u to have to feel shame about that.
that said, in my experience i think having Gayness at the core of your attraction makes perfect sense. if exploring your gender as a guy feels linked to being attracted to guys, ive felt the same and you wouldnt be alone in that!
do whatever feels good to you & explore however. but imo my advice is basically: if/when you pursue men romantically, i feel like you’ll Know if its genuine or not. if you’re wanting to be particularly cautious, i’d say like leave the dating field open for guys even if ur not Actively pursuing them, and if the right one comes along that you feel that attraction for him, then i think thatd be wonderful!
sry for the. incredibly long answer but TL;DR: only you’ll know for sure, but it sounds to me like a potential attraction to men is worth exploring for you! so be gentle & patient w urself but whatevr conclusion u come to will be good. and ALSO u can always change ur mind!!!! theres not a max amount of identities u can have, u can change and rethink whenever. best of luck to u!!!!
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can I ask a question about species dysphoria/shifting? because a few months ago (and I think sometimes before/since too), when I was in a pretty bad place mentally, I had this period of a few days maybe a week or so where I was just,,, super uncomfortable in my body? it felt like gender dysphoria (I'm a dyphoric nonbinary trans guy btw) but for my skin, and not in a gender way, but in a "it's too human, it looks wrong, I should have scales, fur or feathers would do too, this is just wrong" kind of way? I've always been really connected to water and was really into mermaids/ocean creatures, I loved the idea™ of being an ocean creature of some kind but I've only really discovered alterhumanity now, so it was always just something I yearned for but never considered seriously since I was a younger kid. I often feel inhuman but I'm pretty sure that is a subconscious way of coping with my circumstances. even when that was happening and I couldn't look in the mirror I didn't think of being a mermaid or anything else specific, it was just my human-ness felt wrong. some of it sounds similar to how I've heard shifts described but I don't fully understand what that means yet, could this maybe something like species dysphoria? or does this not sound like anything alterhumanity and it's probably just an unrelated mental health thing? it's fine if it's nothing related to alterhumanity, I'm just very confused right now lol and trying to make sense of my experiences. thank you so much for reading this I hope you have a great day <3
First off, sorry it took so long to answer. Life’s like that sometimes...
Feeling distress because of very human features (such as skin), or feeling joy at the thought of having very not human features (such as feathers) is probably the most common type of species dysphoria. ‘Species dysphoria’ in this case refers to feeling bad about your current species, rather than wanting to be a specific nonhuman species - so simply having species dysphoria doesn’t mean you’re necessarily otherkin, that is a very likely option. Otherkin or not, it 100% sounds like an alterhuman experience, regardless of the cause of it.
A subconscious coping mechanism is as real of an experience as, say, a past life. And it’s just as valid a reason for being alterhuman as all the spiritual reasons. I myself have psychological beliefs about basically all my alterhuman stuff - it’s really common and it’s real, it’s just not as commonly discussed as spiritual beliefs.
Shifting is basically a change in your perception. It can take a lot of different forms, such as supernumerary phantom limb sensations (SPLs), a sudden focus on your sense of smell instead of your other senses, or a change in your thought pattern so it’s more similar to your kintype’s. A change in how your perceive your body/wish to see your body definitely sounds like a shift.
‘Alterhumanity’ is deliberately an extremely broad category. You don’t need to be otherkin, or even nonhuman-identifying to be alterhuman. All you need is to experience being human in a way that doesn’t align with typical societal ideas of what it means to be human.
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I saw your previous post mentioning not having species dysphoria, but I'm wondering if you know whether this would count? I'm pretty sure if I'm alterhuman in anyway I'm more towards the copinglink side of things to otherkin but I've heard that you can have species dysphoria even if you are copinglink (I hope I'm using these words right, I'm super new to this). a few months ago, and a few other times before/since, I have this period where I was super super uncomfortable in how human I looked. I didn't have anything else in mind tho, I would cover myself in eyeshadow or pen ink just to not have to look at my skin but I wasn't thinking "I should look like a dragon/merman" (those examples because they're what I feel connected to personally) I was just uncomfortable, I wanted scales but not in a directed way of that makes sense? it was a really confusing time and I never got answers from any mental health person I talked to, and it's mostly passed now, but I just realized maybe that's related to alterhumanity. I was in a pretty bad place mentally and I thought it was a way of coping with what had happened. I'm a dysphoric trans person and it felt very similar to gender dysphoria but not even knowing what I'd rather look like, just not human. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense or I'm misusing words, I was just wondering if this fits inside alterhumanity or if this is more likely to be an unrelated mental health thing?
No worries! This topic can bleed back and forth between both blogs pretty easily. :P (Nice avatar, btw.)
I’m gonna punt this to my followers (and anyone else in the tags) who do experience species dysphoria, but from what I understand, yeah, that sounds like it could definitely qualify as species dysphoria. (Especially if it feels similar to your gender dysphoria.) Species dysphoria is clinically significant distress/unease caused by one’s species, so I’d say being very uncomfortable about looking human definitely falls within that definition.
Either way, “alterhuman” is a very broad term - if you feel that term fits you, you can pretty much use it. This definitely sounds like something that would qualify as an alterhuman experience.
(Since you expressed uncertainty - “otherkin” is defined as “identifying nonphysically as something other than human, partially or wholly,” generally understood to be involuntary (ie, you don’t choose to be otherkin); “copinglinker” is defined as “someone who consciously, voluntarily chooses to form a nonhuman and/or fictional identity as their copinglink.”
There is, of course, a gray area in between the two - people whose identities started off as voluntary and became so ingrained as to be involuntary, for example - but generally speaking, if you didn’t consciously, intentionally, voluntarily choose to form the nonhuman identity, you qualify as otherkin if you prefer that term. (If you’re not sure, here’s a hint: if you don’t know you chose to form the identity, it wasn’t a conscious choice, which is why I’ve started using that term instead of the term “voluntary” - it leaves a little less confusion in the language.))
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1/2 So, I think I might be a transmasc nb. But I'm not in a position where I can experiment with my gender or transition at all. I can't get a binder without asking my parents and coming out because I'm a minor without money. I can't get my hair cut either, because everyone would wonder - I've had my hair long all my life and everyone expects me to have long hair. It's like I'm forced to live as a girl, when I know I'm not one.
2/2 I feel like I can't even come out online because I haven't changed anything to fit. I don't have bad dysphoria, so I feel like I'm invalid. I do get uncomfortable, and/or feel like my body doesn't belong to me; But I feel like that isn't enough dysphoria to be trans. I don't know what to do in this situation, and I feel like I'll be stuck in this state forever. I feel like I have nothing I can do - so can I ask for reassurance and tips to feel more masculine without being too obvious?
(Sorry this took a while, I spent hours cultivating this to make sure I can support you in the best way possible.)
Congratulations on going through this, dude, it takes a lot of courage and bravery to even realise that you’re not what society expects you to be.
Something wonderful that @gc2b does is give away free binders to trans and gender non conforming etc people who can’t afford or cannot safely obtain a binder. https://pointofpride.org/chest-binder-donations/. If it is safe for you to do so, you can click on this link and see if you are applicable for the donation. If you’re afraid of your parents looking through your search history or somehow finding out about you applying, you could get a trusted individual to do it for you. If you don’t have any close trusted friends or family members, I could give it a shot and order one for you (private message me @thatshortdudety). As if July 29th, due to COVID-19, their shipments have been delayed, this is what is on top of the website:
As for shipment, it helps to have a trusted person you can send it to who can discreetly pass it on to you. If you somehow happen to live in my area in Australia I’d be happy to do it for you, but I’m usually considered pretty weird and foreign online for being an Australian so it’s likely that you’re not Australian either. But, again, direct message me if you need further more personal help.
Not being able to cut hair can suck if you feel like it doesn’t represent your gender the way you want it to. When you’re alone and/or not afraid of people questioning you, you can grab a hat or a beanie and tuck your hair up so that it looks like a fringe - I know that’s what I did before I got mine cut.
1. Tie your hair or a portion of your hair (depending on how long it is) with a hairband/hairtie/whatever you call it
2. Flip it over the back of your head so that the hair tips are on the front (your forehead)
3. Place a beanie or a hat on top of your hair, holding it in place and looking fashionable!
Other tips for masculinising your appearance without arising suspicion can arise in your wardrobe. For example, using unisex t-shirts which aren’t taken in at the waist like shirts or other clothing items from the women’s section. Until you manage to get your hands on a binder, sports bras can give your chest a more flat appearance, but don’t wear them for too long if you feel uncomfortable.
As for the next part. I say this so many times and I will never stop saying it.
You don’t need dysphoria to be trans.
You don’t ned a certain amount of dysphoria to be trans.
You can never have NOT ENOUGH dysphoria.
You don’t have to be *THIS* dysphoric to be qualified as trans.
If you are trans, you’re trans.
You don’t need a certain amount of dysphoria. You don’t even need ANY dysphoria to be trans.
I can’t stress how important that is. So here are a bunch of things to help you feel better.
And just in case some silly ignorant people STILL aren’t sure:
I have been going to a gender clinic for years. There are teams of trained individuals. They KNOW that you DON’T NEED DYSPHORIA to be trans. Everybody’s journey is different, and trying to dictate what other peoples journeys are and trying to pretend you can decide who or who isn’t trans is just downright bullshit. End of story.
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Hi! I need help understanding what Is gender dysphoria from a transsexual perspective because I'm confuse at my own experiences and the doctors I've seen viewerd dysphoria as only wanting to/believing you are the opposite sex and nothing more
I’m not an expert on this obviously, all I’ve got is just my own experience.
For me, it’s primarily a strong desire and a feeling of “should be” about male sex characteristics. As a child, I would often cry in my bed looking forwards in my life thinking it was already over because I wasn’t a boy, not because being a girl to me was bad in itself - I didn’t view it as limitating or see myself as lesser in any shape or form, I just didn’t feel like my body was as it should have been and the thought of never physically becoming a boy was crushing to me. This came along with various stupid childish misadventures like trying to learn to pee like a boy to feel more comfortable: let’s just say that one ended up in a disaster. I also quite classically tried to explain to my mother how I felt - that I wasn’t like a “girl girl”, I was more a boy girl. Something like that.
I didn’t have social dysphoria at this stage, because I’m very privileged in the sense that my parents and most adults around me allowed me to be exactly who I was, and those who found me disagreeable and too boyish never explicitly made it a gender issue, so I was blissfully unaware of the idea that girls weren’t supposed to act the way I was acting. I was very much a tomboy, but I was never made to feel like this was a bad thing, it was just who I was. I was in a lot of minor trouble often because of how active and curious I was as a kid, but nothing worse than doing what other adventurous kids were getting up to. For example, we liked breaking into the sewer system to chase frogs. Our parents HATED it, for obvious reasons. Things like that. But these were hardly things that only boys got into, and my friend group was rather equally split between the sexes at the time, so yeah, no, my social dysphoria did not exist at this time.
With puberty, things got a lot rougher. It’s tough to tell how much of it was because of dysphoria and how much of it was because of abuse in my life; I was targeted by a school teacher who made my life hell and triggered my depression at the ripe old age of 11, and ever since things were just really difficult for me.
I was still struggling with wanting to be a boy; I only had male role models, only male ideals of what I wanted to grow up to be, in terms of media and idols. I desperately wanted facial hair. Meanwhile, I was being raised by a single mother, and my experience with men was dreadful, and puberty chased off my male friends so I was left living in an all-female bubble, pretty much. I didn’t feel separate from it, but I was certainly different. My friends went down a more traditionally feminine path while I was a clusterfuck of alternative fashion and obscure interests.
My biggest “oh” moment was when I was about 12 years old and for the first time approached my mom to buy my own set of clothes - I’d secretly wanted to dress up as one of the boys for a long time, but this was the first time I really got to try it out. Being a skater was in because this was the early 2000s, so I bought a large t-shirt and a pair of skate shoes, and yes, a skateboard, and when I looked into the mirror like that, I felt like I was in heaven. I felt like things were finally going right and that this was who I wanted to be, that this was who I was supposed to be.
When I was 14, I met my first trans person. I had a terrible crush on him, he was a couple years older than me and identified as an FtM. The year was, what, 2005? I knew instantly that I was the same as him, but it scared me so badly I swore off ever thinking about it again, and that I’d just live as a woman like I was meant to be, because he was extremely suicidal and abused alcohol and drugs, and I didn’t want to die like that. It just seemed like the worst outcome - I knew I was like that, too, but I didn’t want that future. I was afraid if I’d accept how I felt, I’d end up killing myself like he’d tried to do so many times already. So I went DEEP into the closet.
I struggled a lot with relationships, being viewed as a girlfriend and treated as such, like my partners telling me they loved how I looked, touching my body, appreciating it as a female body. I told my first love that I wanted to go by the name of Gabriel, and that I felt like a boy inside, but that was as far as I went. I was 15 at the time. Around the same age I got sent to a group home because the social services were struggling with me (I wasn’t attending school due to my depression and various other mental disorders, and they needed to get me off their books asap). There, I was assigned men’s deodorant because they were out of women’s, and I never went back from there. Little things like that just made me feel so much better in my own skin. Now I at least smelled like a guy. It felt heavenly. In this same place, my supervisor was a nice young woman who borrowed me movies to watch. One of them was Boys Don’t Cry. Let’s just say I was pretty badly traumatized by that, and went ever deeper in the closet, because once more I knew that I was exactly what was portrayed on the screen but the reality of it was... well, I’d either kill myself or be murdered. Nobody wants that. So yeah, there.
Afterwards I went hyperfeminine but also became incredibly toxic because of how bad I felt in my own skin - I was extremely unstable, but at least I was playing my role right, right? I was suppressing how I really felt and trying to force myself into some weird caricature of a woman to spare myself from a painful death.
I used to do a lot of larping as an older teen and a young adult. When I was 18, one of my girlfriend’s characters was transsexual, and I went looking for information about the condition, you know, having the excuse of just “doing research”. That was the turning point. It was so comforting to know that I wasn’t alone, that this was something other people had gone through, too. That I didn’t have to live like this forever.
The things that bothered me most were the fact that I couldn’t grow facial hair, and my chest, which has always been very large. I’ve never had particularly bad dysphoria about the shape and size of my body, and I coped with genital dysphoria by packing, but the fact that I couldn’t grow a beard was the worst thing in the world to me. I went through a year of self-searching and research, during which my girlfriend left me because, duh, she’s a lesbian and I’d just come out as a trans man and it just wasn’t working out anymore, but she stuck by my side to help me become who I wanted to be, and fuck if it wasn’t working. Embracing the way I’d felt and doing the things that helped me feel better - like wearing the kinds of clothes that gave me that sense of comfort and rightness, and binding my chest - helped me to such a big degree that I stopped being completely fucking awful as a person. I stopped flipping out at the smallest of triggers and slamming doors and shouting and being an absolutely unbearable piece of shit, and my ex has repeatedly told me how good it felt seeing me become so much happier before her eyes. I practically changed as a person when I started my transition, first socially and then eventually medically, I became a very calm and difficult to irritate kind of an individual instead of the mess I’d been the years before. And I don’t mean “changed as a person” like I adopted a different personality, just that I stopped being blinded with anger and self-hatred at all hours of the day and lashing out at anyone who dared to love me as I was because I couldn’t.
Starting medical transition scared the shit out of me, because I’ve always been afraid of permanent changes. I nearly ran out of my tattoo appointment last minute because the idea of being marked forever killed me, and I only have one piercing that I can take out without leaving a visible scar for that reason. So obviously, taking that step was horrifying to me, but after doing my time looking into my soul and reflecting on my needs and desires for a year, attending some councelling and in general looking into what I really wanted from my life, I finally entered the diagnostic process, which here took at the time six months at the very least and included a lot of more thorough examinations like a psychological evaluation, chromosomal check and even an IQ test to make sure I was capable of consenting to the treatments.
Testosterone was a gift from gods in how much it eased my dysphoria. I ended up quitting it eventually because of how much it messed with my mental disorders like anxiety, and worsened my psychosis, but in terms of how much more at ease I became with my body, I can’t thank it enough. Seeing my body grow more hair on it, even some of that facial hair I’d always wanted, was blissful. Having my voice drop was comforting and comfortable, and I was excited to practice it and get back my range for singing and speaking, and that whole period of changes was just so good to me. I can’t describe it any other way. My dysphoria’s never come back since I stopped, because the changes that happened were those that I’d so desperately needed the whole time. I never got top surgery because of weight limitations placed on it, and this was an enormous source of pain for me for a long time, but I’ve learned to cope with it now. I’m getting along with my boobs because they’re just a part of my body, that is, unless they start growing cancer which does run in the family, and I’m never not suspicious of them for that reason.
It’s just, it’s hard to describe the story of my dysphoria without telling you all of this. It’s not just one or two things, it’s a history of a lifetime, little things that are good and this grand shadow that follows you around and makes everything more painful and difficult to endure because it’s already weighting you down. The terror of realisations and going back in the closet, but also the unmatched comfort and feeling of finally being how you were meant to be when you see yourself more akin to the picture in your head.
There’s a lot that I’ve left out, and not much of this is probably very helpful, but it is what it is.
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My coming out story is weird, it gets a lil transphobic so tw near the end tw long post too
So, pretty much throughout my time growing up through elementary school and half of middle school, i grew up in a white middle class area. I didnt know about the LGBTQ+ or anything other than what I saw, which was white people and an occasional poc. Eventually I had to move and I ended up in a super diverse area, and ended up becoming best friends with this person (they are ftm now so imma use the right pronouns but they were f when this story mostly takes place) he told me all about things I didnt know, specifically the LGBTQ+ community and that he was pan, and it was new information so just like any 13 year old learning new things, I questioned myself, I questioned if I could like the same sex or not or possibly more.
Sadly, drama happened between my best friend, his girlfriend and I, so thing got a little weird. But there was a time in winter, when he was off that relationship for more than a month and he said he'd like to date me, and I really thought about it before hand and said yeah, I couldnt tell you how happy I was to have this experience.
I told my mom that night, in a round about way cuz I was nervous, "Hey mom, what if I liked girls?" She told me she doesnt think that I do, because I always expressed feelings for guys, and when I tell her I didnt really understand what being gay was when I was younger, I didn't really know it was a possibility. She snapped at me and said, "Unless you are willing to kiss a girl and do the other stuff, you arent gay at all."
Eventually I have a sit down conversation with her, about how confusing this all was and how I wish I knew how I felt, and so on. She said she had a similar questioning phase but it never stuck so she doesnt think I am.
Like a month later I figure it out and dude that was so gratifying. I came out as bi to my mom, who just dismissed the whole thing, but I was terrified to tell my uncle (it's a long story about that, no it's not "sweet home Alabama") because he always said bi's were wh*res so yeah. I ended up telling him, and he goes, "You know my opinion on it but that doesnt mean that I'll disown you or anything." Btw the relationship (dating wise) with my best friend after he came out as ftm because he went back to his ex, it's all cool tho.
So that was that, or so I thought. It was my first year of high school, and I finally really understood the definition of pan, what was holding me back though was the trans experience, I thought because I didnt know what it was like, I couldnt be pan, even though I didnt have a preference, turns out it just means you like people no matter their gender and it like, clicked finally so yeah. I've told my family about that since but I a similar reaction: my mom said she doesnt think I am and she lectured me on my generation having so many labels and how she hated it. My uncle said he appreciated that I was pan more than me being bi which confused me but he just had a better view of pansexual than bisexual. (I explained to both of them what the difference was but idk man)
I believe it was my second year of high school when I really started to question my gender, and that was mostly because I saw a video of what gender dysphoria looks like if it's not that strong and you arent aware for ftm. So like wearing bagging clothes all the time, always wearing sports bras, and practically no other bra, feeling really good if someone accidentally calls you sir, etc. And I was like, oml it's me. But it wasnt, I didnt find that out until later tho. So, with my friend group, I find a name that seems to fit me well and ask them to address me by it and he/him pronouns, as like a test of sorts. (All of my friends are gay in some way so it was cool) In the end tho, I got a little iffy about the whole thing and wouldnt ever correct them at times or it was just off for me. I felt really bad because I thought that they might have thought that I was just trying to force myself to be more like them, but I wasnt, i still felt bad though and kinda dropped it.
I'm not sure 100% how I figured it out tho, but I remember talking to my best friend (not the same one from middle school, they were my best friend as well but they arent the same person) about the whole experience and I believe they brought up the idea of genderfulid, and I was like :0.... what that. They explain it, you go aall over the gender spectrum, some days you might feel like a boy, others you might feel like you have no gender, some days you might feel like your gender is something completely weird and different, that's just what it is. And I was like, "It fits but like, I barely feel femme at any point in time, maybe like once a year." And they tell me, that's ok and stuff as long as my gender just decides to be a completely weird and went all over the place, it counted, so I was like, "I finally figured it out!!!" And i was so happy.
Then came the time I was comfortable enough to tell my parents. I had been using the label genderfuild for over half a year already and I thought that it was what I was so it was ok to tell them. I saw how ok me being gay went, so I was nervous but not as nervous as I should have been, probably. I told my mom first, she went on a similar rant of her no liking my generations labels and such, but it went fine, I explained it, I thought I was through, I thought I was fine, apparently not. One day I'm in the shower and I hear my mom being very expressive with what ever shes talking about to my uncle, which is fine, she needs someone to vent to sometimes. When I get out though, and I can here her clearly, I hear sees complaining about what I told her recently, that I'm genderfulid, but instead of saying that, she only says I want to be a boy. (Oh no) So shes complaining to him, asking why I cant be more like her and just be a masculine girl and be fine, why do I have to fit in with the crowd of my generation to feel special, why cant I just be fine with who I am now? Etc.
The sad thing is, that night, I was going out shopping for pants and underwear with my uncle because I needed some and I wore men's pants already at that point, because they are more durable, and stuff so I knew it was gonna be a long ride. My mom was snippy with me that whole night, just the entire time which sucked.
When we finally left to go get clothes though, I didnt know it could get worse. My uncle lectured me about how that's just my generations fad, and how his was making tattoos and piercings ok in the work place and mine is being trans a gay and all that crap, and that I'm just trying to fit in, I'm not being myself, no matter how much I chop myself up and cut my hair and take hormones my chromosomes will never change and so I can never be an actual guy. He also said that I would bring just more attention to myself being a woman who does guy things rather than try and be one, and he thinks I'm doing this all for attention. I was mad but silent at this point, I didnt want to cause anything to happen. He ended up asking me, "So did you pick a different name?" I was surprised but I said yeah, and my friends were using it and it seemed to fit better. He asked me what it was and fear over took my body. I told him, "I'll only tell you if you dont use it against me if your mad." He says, "i cant promise that." And then gets mad because I wont tell him. Though I do, because I feel obligated since hes buying me clothes. To be even more confusing, he buys me guys underwear, and undershirts along with the predetermined pants he promised me and now I'm so confused.
But it gets even worse. When we get home, my mom freaks out on him because be bought me all that mens stuff and she said he was encouraging my behavior and stuff, he defended with it's just clothes, and yah it is. Eventually things settle down, obviously my mom isnt talking to be, but that's for the best at this point. I'm in the living room with my uncle and he just then starts harassing me with questions like, how do you know? he asks. "Well, I just feel that way, same as you." I say. But why do you wanna be a guy? he asks. "I dont wanna be a guy, it's just weird that way. Also it's not me being a guy, it me being many more than that," I say. He says that's bullsh*t. I offer to show him videos that better explain what trans is and how it's an actual sciencey thing and stuff but he said he wont take a video because he wants me to say it. And then he just goes off, saying the name I picked out shows how self centered I am because I am selfish, he kept asking me if i liked to fight, to catch and play with bugs, to be strong, to be angry all the time, and all these stereotypes for men and I just left, and went to bed. He wasnt going to listen to me, so there wasnt a point to me staying.
But, it gets worse. The morning comes and I'm awoken by the slam of my door by my uncle and the laughter of my mom. My uncle starts being really aggressive and starts cleaning my room, I only have clothes on the floor mostly so that's all it was, but he starts saying, well if you're gonna be a man, imma start training you like one, the man of the house picks up after everyone, the man of the house does everything he can to help the house run smoothly, the man of the house has to be strong, and all that stuff. (Which I thought was funny because he was "the man of the house" yet I did everything, and still do. I clean up most after him, funny huh.) And, I know what's happening and so I stay in bed, I don't want this to happen. But I literally get ripped out of my bed by my uncle and get told to stop being a little b*tch and a brat because I'm being selfish by my mom and I'm yelled at to sit in the living room and wait while my uncle cleans my room. When hes done hes starts lecturing me and being all aggressive and in my face. He keeps asking me a million questions with the tone that he didnt care so I knew he wouldn't listen. Eventually, him and my mom leave, I'm told to stay there until I get back. When they do get back, they act like everything is fine, nothing happened between them and I and it's just been so hard for me to talk to them about that since.
I'm greatful that I dont have to deal with that anymore but every time something that that is brought up with my family, I panic so much now. I'm fine and I'm safe but it was very traumatic for me. And uh, thanks for listening.
hey, thank you so much for sharing your story. this was just. so heartbreaking. noone deserves to have a person like your uncle in their life. im so sorry you had to go through all of that. i hope you’re in a much better place now <3 (also i loveeddd reading about how you figured it out) =)
again, tysm <3
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I get where you're coming from, but I think in this instance with Elliot Page it's more about the specific accomplishments/actions/statements made before transition and the rush to erase them and/or remold in terms of the new identity. I think people in the public eye have a bit of a different circumstance surrounding them since people/society have this weird thing with public figures where we consider them sorta authority/important figures above regular people and emulate or idolize them, so it's not quite the same as an average person living through the same situation. I feel like I wouldn't even bat an eye at an acquaintance or local person I've met before transitioning and I certainly wouldn't bother a stranger, but a celebrity is putting a certain message out there with their actions and how they handle their lives. It comes with being famous, and this whole thing with abandoning the past, changing the nature of past roles and works, and disavowing any statements made before transition as associated with womanhood or lesbianism is not exactly a good look. I also think that by becoming famous and choosing to live in the public eye, you open yourself up to public critique and you don't (and shouldn't) have the ability to fully control that. Honestly I think this situation could have been handled better or something if this is them living their truth, but it's not like you can change things that already happened anyway so 🤷♀️ it is what it is.
This is probably the only time I’ll address this because I honestly don’t care all that much BUT I do want to respond because I think you’re being honest and normal here instead of dishonest and weird, and I appreciate that, but there are several points where I disagree. I’m gonna pull and highlight different parts because I’ve been spending a lot of time on reddit and it seems the easiest to me.
it's more about the specific accomplishments/actions/statements made before transition and the rush to erase them and/or remold in terms of the new identity
That may very well be the case with SOME reactions, but I’m very much referring to people who, within a few hours of that social media post, were whining in public about someone they don’t know using a new name and pronouns.
I think people in the public eye have a bit of a different circumstance surrounding them since people/society have this weird thing with public figures where we consider them sorta authority/important figures above regular people and emulate or idolize them
I totally agree with you here, but if people are doing that then frankly they are acting stupid and that is their own fault. Celebrity culture is stupid. Buying into it is stupid. As grown adults it is stupid to be invested in what strangers do because they’re decent actors, or because they’re famous and gay or famous and black or whatever. If someone is engaging with celebrities in this way, that is their own fault, and it is a poor decision and it is honestly just...stupid. And I say that having been on the other side of that weird relationship on tumblr on a scale that is obviously about a million times smaller, where people will just assume because they’ve followed you for a long time that they can talk to you in ways that are disrespectful if you’re not a friend, or have the right to have input on your life, or place stock in you being a certain kind of way.
a celebrity is putting a certain message out there with their actions and how they handle their lives
Again, the issue here is that you THINK they are putting a certain message out there when in reality they’re just living a life, with good decisions and bad decisions like everybody else. They are literally just people, just like the other 7 billionish people on the planet. Was Paul Walker putting a certain message into the world when he crashed his sports car into a tree in a residential neighborhood and died? No, he was just being stupid and making a stupid decision and doing something to have fun. It truly is not that deep. Celebrities are nothing except human beings that some people choose to keep up with. They’re literally not even special. There are musicians as talented as all your favorites who you’ll never have the opportunity to listen to. There are actors as talented as whoever won the last big acting awards (I get them mixed up) at your local theater, I guarantee it.
this whole thing with abandoning the past, changing the nature of past roles and works, and disavowing any statements made before transition as associated with womanhood or lesbianism is not exactly a good look
I haven’t seen any of that, and if it is happening then yeah I agree it is stupid but also people say and do stupid things literally every single day and I shrug and move on. But even if it IS the case, it is not what the people I’m referencing here were bothered by. They were bothered by someone transitioning because they had an investment in that person (who again, is only special in the way that any other random human being you pull of the street would be special) not transitioning, and it is stupid to have that kind of investment in a straight up stranger. It is one thing when you have a buddy that you think is transitioning for the wrong reasons or with unrealistic expectations, and it is one thing to look at the rates of masculine female people who transition and just scratch your head because the rates of us who can only find dysphoria mitigation through transition cannot possibly be this high- both super reasonable imo. It is another to find out some random person is transitioning and whine about it on the internet and expect people not to regard that behavior as ridiculous when it is, in fact, ridiculous.
by becoming famous and choosing to live in the public eye, you open yourself up to public critique and you don't (and shouldn't) have the ability to fully control that
Agreed here. I also think that if you believed you were x and millions of people made fun of you for it, since again celebrities are literally just random people, you’d be upset by it. But agreed, at the end of the day you cannot and should not get invested heavily in attempts to control the way people look at you.
Honestly I think this situation could have been handled better or something if this is them living their truth
All due respect, I think the kinds of people complaining that I was referencing agree with you that the whole thing could have been handled better, but I think that “handled better” in their opinion means not coming out. Which, fair enough, but you have to own up to that and just cop to the fact that you generally oppose transition- it is much more reasonable to say that than it is to say you don’t generally oppose transition but every time you hear about it you assume it is coming from self hatred.
I’ve been pretty open about what I think about nonbinary identity (and, while I try to stay very uninformed on celebs in general, it is my understanding so far that that’s how they are identifying) AS it is expressed and discussed by the majority of people I’ve seen fully embracing it- I think the majority of the time it implies really antifeminist things about what men and women can do and like and look like and be like, I think it very often appeals to women because it sucks to know that the world hates women and to be one, let alone to be one who doesn’t fit the image of what women are supposed to be, I think it very often solidly reinforces gender roles by insinuating that people who do not fit the prescribed gender role for their sex are in fact a whole different entity because real women are straight and pretty or whatever, I think it very often hinges on this idea that the majority of people in the world are walking around with a gender identity when the vast majority are absolutely not- like I am not coming at this from the position that all kinds of identities are good and valid and reasonable and that there is NOTHING TO SEE HERE when it comes to the politics of how nonbinary identity is most often presented. I’m just saying that, if a random person who happens to be a celebrity picking a new name and pronouns really deeply shakes you then that probably indicates that 1) you have a baseline issue with transition in and of itself, which, okay but don’t pretend that that isn’t the case, and 2) you have a problem with celebrity worship and that is nobody’s fault but your own if you’re a grown adult.
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Nonbinary November, Again!
Last year i answered the 22 questions @letters-to-lgbt-kids made for november, and I think it’s a good idea do re-answer them!
1.Which labels do you use?
At the moment, my gender labels are trans guy, nonbinary and demiboy, my gender isn’t exactly three gender but also isn’t exactly only one. For other non gender related stuff, aroace and gay (gay as in mlm, nblm, nblnb and mlnb).
And Ive named my gender but don't actively use the term, but it's still my gender, boyenbyflux.
2.What are your pronouns?
3.How old were you when you came out to yourself as nonbinary?
Had to look in the older answers, but ye, in 2017 I used the label demigirl but never really thought of myself as not cis at the time, and in december of 2018 was when I realized I was trans, and started using demiboy, but as far as using the label nonbinary itself, around the middle of 2019.
4.What’s one thing you’d like to tell your younger self?
I always have a hard time with things like this. I think I’ll focus this on Alec on early 2020 for this: you’re not faking or cis for having weird gender dysphoria/euphora/apathy days, and a part of these weird days is because of the nonbinary part being louder than the male part of your gender at that moment.
5.Is there a myth about nonbinary people that annoys you the most?
Not really a myth, but the wrong belief that nonbinary genders are only one thing and that they can’t sometimes lean towards one or both binary genders.
6.Is there a nonbinary celebrity you look up to?
Not really? I’m not really big on following celebrities.
7.If you’re out, how did you come out?
Haven’t come out to most people I know irl. But I did come out to a colleague, it went well! I came out through WhatsApp and just said that I'm trans and aroace and gay.
8.Is there a gender-related pun you like?
Also not really a pun but none gender with left boy XD
9.Do you have friends who identify as nonbinary, too?
Nbfbsbsnn yeah basically most of my transmasc friends are also on the nonbinary spectrum.
10.Do you have a favorite lgbt+ character?
My characters fndnfsnn
But also my friends’ ocs.
As for more known media I forgot everything right now.
11. Lgbt, lgbt+, lgbtqa+… which one do you usually use?
All of them but also LGBTQ and LGBTQ+ and many other alternatives. Depends on the day.
12. How do you explain the term “nonbinary” to people who have no idea what it means?
A gender that isn’t entirely a binary gender (aka man and woman), basically almost any gender that isn’t 100% man or woman.
13.Tell us a fun fact about yourself (gender-related or random!)
I’ve been drawing everyday this year so far!
14.How did you find your name?
OK now that I have more names, I’ll go through each one XD
I chose Alec because two months before I realized I was trans I created an oc and called him Alec and I thought it was the closest to the male version of my deadname (it’s honestly not that close) and then I started using it! And it's my main name still.
As for Arthur, I just like it! Same for Alexandre, besides the fact that I though of a hypothetical scenario where I’m called uncle Alexandre and it makes me soft :3 and I had already been thinking about using Arthur or Alexandre instead of Alec or as my legal name while Alec would be a nickname, back in 2019 but I forgot about this until like, august/september of this year. And its AlexandRE, not AlexandER, Alexandre is more common here in my country + I have an oc with the name Alexander and he’s a horrible person and I couldn’t ever use that name for me XD
And Alex, it’s because I ended up starting relating a lot with my oc with that name, and there’s the bonus that is very similar to Alec and it’s a nice name.
15.If you’re in a relationship, how did your partner react to your coming-out?
I don’t have a partner.
16.Do you prefer partner, datemate, significant other or something else?
I don’t want a romantic relationship but if I enter a QPR I’d like to be called boyfriend :3 I also like the term joyfriend :3 I’m ok with partner but isn’t my prefered one.
17.A piece of advice for questioning kids?
Take your time, there’s no pressure to find out as fast as possible. Also gender and orientation is weird so it’s normal to end up going through a lot of labels, to settle with the first one you think about, to change between labels and go back to the first one and even to never really always settle. Life is weird and labels are too, and you have my full on support on your questioning journey.
18.Which flag(s) do you use?
I've been also looking for other gay man flags but haven't settled with another besides the rainbow one, but Ive been looking at the one libragender made and it's pretty nice.
And these last two i made them! It's the mlm + nblm flag and the flag about my gender!
19.Any tips for bad days?
Drink water, eat something, if you’re able, socialize and/or take a walk and get some sunlight. It wont help everything but somethimes that’s what is what is wrong and if it’s not the case, at least it’s less things making you feel worse.
And this blog is always open to listening and supporting, althought I may not always have advice, I can lend an ear for vents and stuff.
20.Do you have a favorite nonbinary blog on tumblr?
Their comic is great and they’re honestly a really nice person!
21.Feminine, masculine, androgynous - or none of those things?
I call my presentation soft masc. It’s definetly masculine, with a tinge of androgeny but without anything feminine, Or I take something feminine and make it androgenous. And it’s soft because it’s not overly masculine, it’s masc light.
22. What are your three favorite things about yourself?
1- My sense of humor
2- My knowledge of random things
3- My attention to small things
And that’s it! be sure to check Oliver’s blog out too! It’s a really nice and positive place and his letters always cheer me up!
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So, I've been struggling with a number of things for the past four years. These have been causing a struggle of faith and i havent felt the spirit in over a year now, and i havent been worthy to enter the temple for that same time. I've been considering a long time to counsel with my bishop and seek help. I love my bishop, he truly is one of the kindest, most compasionate, and patient men Ive had the honor to know. (1/3)
The thing is, one of the things which I feel I need to discuss with him is the fact that I'm gay and experience gender dysphoria. And I'm scared to. I'm not out to many, most of whom are people online, and I don't know how he'll respond. I don't think he'd lecture me, but at the same time idk. At the same time, I feel as he's one of the few people I can trust with this. And it's a big factor of my other issues I need to discuss, and I wouldnt be completely truthful if I leave it out. (2/3)
I might... Im considering going on a mission. But I need to sort out my spirituality first and the first step would be this meeting. A meeting I'm terrified of the fallout. The rest of my strife will be difficult enough to confess. My question is, do you have any advice about approaching this situation before I make an appointment? Or words of encouragement? Please and thank you so much for everything you do. -Gargoyle 💛 (3/3)
There’s a lot I could talk about.
Let’s start with feeling the Spirit. We talk about the Spirit like this mighty thing that will make your heart burn or a voice speaking to you, and I’ve had that happen, but only rarely. For me, if ‘quiet’ could be a feeling, then that’s generally how I feel the Spirit.
I think of the Spirit feeling like calm, peace, love, settled, feeling positive towards others, joy, things becoming clear in my head. Sometimes we call it the “comforter,” so think how you feel wrapped up in a nice thick comforter on a cold day: warm, safe, protected, snug.
Or sometimes it’s a feeling of unease or befuddlement or trouble remaining focused on the topic, in those cases it means I don’t have the right answer, try again.
Do any of those descriptions sound familiar? Maybe you have felt the Spirit in the past year.
Some ways to feel the Spirit again, in addition to repenting, is to think about a time you felt the spirit. For me, I might think about my baptism, or how I feel when I’m at the temple grounds, or when I share my testimony. Music also is a good way for me to connect to the Spirit.
Another thing is that the Holy Ghost confirms things, that is it’s main job. So you could sincerely ask if God loves you. You have to really mean it, and hopefully you’ll receive some sort of confirming, loving, peaceful, feeling. And how wonderful to know your Heavenly Parents love you as you are.
I’m glad your bishop seems very kind and caring.
This is a reminder that you can have another adult with you when you meet with him. It sounds like the people you’re out to are all online, but it would be nice if there was someone who knows and who could be with you.
There’s a good chance your bishop won’t know what ‘gender dysphoria’ means. Think about how you could simply explain what that is, in case he asks.
Not knowing what it is that’s kept you from qualifying for a temple recommend, I invite you to look at the General Handbook section 24.5.2 “Repentance of Serious Sins.” This section talks about things that could cause someone to not qualify to serve a mission, or to need to wait a year before serving. I’d rather you know and are prepared before you speak with your bishop. With that said, I also know that as a church of revelation, we often make exceptions, so not all is set in stone.
You may also want to check out section 38.6.14 “Same-Sex Attraction and Same-Sex Behavior” and section 38.6.22 “Transgender Individuals” (I know you didn’t label yourself trans, but your bishop may go to this section when he learns about gender dysphoria)
Words of advice - I sprinkled some advice throughout what I’ve written above. Another piece of advice is to think about the difference between guilt & shame. Guilt is focused on behavior, shame is focused on yourself. Guilt is you feel bad for something you’ve done and you want to do better. Shame says you are bad, you have no value, It’s the difference between thinking “I did something bad,” or “I am someone bad.”
You are not your worst choices. It’s important you understand this. Your intrinsic value is not diminished, you are loved and worthy of being loved. Your Heavenly Parents don’t love you any less.
Words of encouragement - God wants to forgive you, the price for anything you’ve done has already been paid by Jesus. You are never too far gone.
Remember, you get credit for trying. You don’t have to be perfect. Elder Holland says that “the Lord blesses those who want to improve,” When the Lord says, “Come unto me,” and “Come, follow me,” He means, come as you are. Come and let me help heal you, let me help improve you. We don’t have to wait until we have our act together, He’s going to help us.
Queer people are brave, coming out is scary and can be so hard, and yet most of us eventually find the courage to do it. Coming out may be the scariest thing you'll ever do, and yet here you are planning to come out to your bishop, that’s brave!
**Hugs to you**
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How did you learn to be comfortable with your hirsutism? I've never been trans or detrans or dysphoric so my situation is not like yours but i'm hairier than average and even approaching my 30s i still struggle with my natural body. I've tried going noshave as a dare a couple of times and just feel overwhelmed with revulsion and shame. Even if i think it's conditioning for the most part i don't think i can undo it. Is there a point of no return?
I've always been mostly comfortable with it, but that's not saying I haven't dealt with any amount of shame or stigma about it. Especially a couple of years ago, I did struggle with it. Not everyone in my life loves hairy women, and that does affect me, so I hope I can offer some insight, or uplifting words!
I think there are several aspects as to why it's fairly easy for me to love my body hair unabashedly now, and also reasons as to why I've struggled with it. Firstly, being viewed as male makes people less likely to call me gross or stare at me for being hairy, even though some still do because I often wear very feminine clothing (people tend think that hairy men in feminine clothing is "distasteful" ...apparently) and my parents really do struggle with my body hair. Even my sister has promptly given me unsolicited shaving advice.
(I’m not exactly sure how my family views my gender, if it’s as a woman or more like a trans person, or as a female who identifies as a man, or I don’t know, but it’s obviously not as an actual biological man. Which I’m totally fine with and really don’t care, as they’re entitled to their opinions of me, but like it’s relevant because they probably wouldn’t have thought my body hair is gross and bad if I had actually been male, which is my only complaint: the sexism nestled in with however they perceived me.)
But outside of my family and aside from my femininity, my ability to mostly blend into society as a man (which only some women do/can/want) means most people don't care about that I'm hairy, or might even praise me for it. Like if I just dress a little less girly, it's suddenly "cool" and "oh so manly" that I have hair on my chest, kinda.
Another aspect is that when/if I tell people I "identify" myself as a (trans) man, they also praise my hairiness as a positive personal achievement. Where as when I've instead "identified" myself as a woman, people have instead expressed disgust, being sorry, and other ill-placed compassion, for my hairiness. Like someone saying "I'm jealous of your beard, that looks awesome, dude" does affect me in a very different way from being told "I'm so sorry you grew a beard, I hope something can be done about it" and having been given those very different reactions based on what I've called myself (while looking the exact same way) has definitely affected my confidence about my body/facial hair.
However, I could still love my body hair even when I kept getting tons of crap for it from other people. Receiving all that crap made me feel terrible about my hairs for a while, but I also couldn't make myself truly hate them. I could within a couple of years find my love for them again. Probably so quickly because I had already loved them before, and because I was unable to hate them, despite being under that intense social pressure to conform.
When there's no one around to have opinions of my body hair, and it's just me, I first and foremost enjoy simply how they feel. That's how I started my journey to embrace my hairs. Wearing a long skirt or dress and my thicc thighs suddenly don't clamp together, because my leg hair serves as a natural barrier, which reduces friction? Awesome sensation. Wearing a shorter skirt and feeling the wind in my leg hairs on a warm summer day? Another awesome sensation. Armpits not stinging when putting on deodorant? Very nice, indeed. Not having to deal with any razor burns, and much more rarely any ingrown hairs? Neat. Twirling my fingers around my chest hair, because I still don't have a stim toy? Very soothing. Cuddling my beard? Very calming and reduces my stress levels like a LOT. It's almost as nice as petting a cat.
Then after finding how I love all those sensations and more, it became difficult for me to shave as the shaven sensation left me feeling oddly naked and like I was missing something. Without noticing, I had started to connect emotionally to my hairs as not just part of my body (for better or worse) but as truly part of ME.
Kinda like how many people feel about their head hair, regardless of their preferred length. Many people like having head hair, and would feel naked and at a loss if it was suddenly gone, which applies to both men and women. I started feeling like that "naked and at a loss" without my body hair, because I had emotionally connected to simply the physical sensations of having it there.
But I was still struggling with the appearance of my hairy body being there all visible, so on that point what I did was starting with simply covering up. Wearing clothes that would hide how hairy I was, basically. And not looking too long in mirrors, but also not avoiding mirrors. I'd glance. Except I still went swimming in just a bikini, regularly, at a public, local pool.
I think my experiences with going swimming while hairy, and otherwise hiding my hairs, helped me slowly get more comfortable with how it looked. Because I realised that despite all the comments, etc, it's really no one's business how I groom my body, as long as I'm clean and smell fresh. And my hairs are definitely clean! They're freshly shampooed and conditioned! I'm only saying that because keeping my body hair clean, helps me curb that feeling of being hairy somehow supposedly being equal to being dirty, which it isn't!
The more brave I got to test myself, I decided to show my hairs in public more and more, outside of the swimming pool area. Like with low-cut shirts, short sleeved shirts, tank tops, shorter skirts/shorts, etc. Eventually I developed a stronger connection with my body hair, became protective of it. And I started seeing beauty in it too. Looking at body positivity stuff made by other hairy women out there (mostly on Instagram) inspired me a lot, and having a supportive girlfriend who kept telling me my body hair is hot, helped a lot too. Feeling attractive shouldn't be the end all be all, but I'd be an idiot if I denied that it's uplifting and inspiring to hear/see that my own body hair is attractive.
As a result, I can quite freely love my body hair now, and show it proudly, but it took a lot of work and I still feel a little bit weird about it. Like sometimes I catch myself being puzzled by that I'm so hairy yet female. So like it is deeply ingrained, the belief that female body hair is somehow bad, dirty, gross or shameful, but it's NOT objective truth. It's just subjective opinions that very many people unfortunately have. It's natural, protects the skin, can increase sensitivity, can help regulate body temperature even, it's cheaper to not spend lots of money on shaving products, and lots of other good things that come with being hairy. I think the only negative is when my bracelets, rings and necklaces get stuck in the hairs and yank them out... which doesn't happen often!
I still feel that shame tugging in me whenever my mom decides to berate me for being hairy, and I have to remind myself that that's just her opinion, and not an incredibly valuable one!
So no, I don't think there is a point of no return. Like it’s never too late, as long as you’re still alive and kicking. We continue to be maluable and adaptive, and changing as people throughout life. Any opinions or beliefs that we have can change. Sometimes on a whim, but more often from working on ourselves, consuming media that informs us why we should change an opinion/belief, testing out what works and what doesn't, challenging ourselves, facing our fears, etc, and sometimes it can take a lot of such work and determination to achieve the desired result. But I think, when it comes to self-acceptance and self-love it's always possible to achieve.
Although I may still struggle a little bit with my body, I managed to come to love it in general, and feeling really connected to being female, despite still having dysphoria, from having hated my body in the past, and I think that says a lot. I mean that to say, if I can do that, I'm sure you can too. I hate to say it, but really all it takes is willpower and not giving up.
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Hi! I'm still questioning my sexuality, although I most closely relate to pansexual. But I've never really had a decent conversation with someone who also identified as pansexual. I saw that you have it on your bio, and I really wanted to ask the basic question of how did you figure it out and when did you know? Did you always know or was it a process to figuring it out?
Ooh boy, this one is a long one. TW: sexual identity, afab dysphoria, religion mentions
Actually, I think it took me a long time to sort out the feelings and the reality of it. I’ve mentioned often enough on this blog that I grew up in a strict fundamentalist Christian community and went to a heavily religiously focused prep school from grade 7 to graduation. My surroundings were not at all queer-positive and any whispers of someone being not straight were only that; barring one suspicious situation where a guy older than me left school long before graduation after it came to almost everyone’s attention that he’d come out.
For me, it was as plain as day that gender didn’t seem to be a factor when it came to who I felt an attraction to but I didn’t feel how “abnormal” it was until the subject came up. I didn’t understand that bisexuality existed until I was 13 and by that time I even wondered if my attraction to anyone not male was just cultivated by how close I was to my female friends because any crushes on girls I had was based entirely on how deeply I cared about them and the level of protection and loyalty I wanted to express for them. It definitely didn’t help that any male friends I had had to be a secret because my dad was rigidly against my having any sort of male contact until I finished college. Every sexual/romantic interaction I had was secret going forward basically so it all felt the same in a big way. It left me with a deep sense that attraction was meant to be a quiet thing you could share in secret with someone but it definitely wasn’t a “family” thing. Really messed me up for too long after I’d left home.
I think in some capacity, though, every bi/pan person experiences the isolating stigma of not being certain, of exploring what it means that the feelings for any gender hits you differently depending on where you are and who they are. I think the moment I came to terms with it was a little later. I was 19, literally in the middle of my first same-sex relationship watching my girlfriend struggle through her own identity in the wake of both us coming from the same religious self-loathing background. For me, though, it was a matter of realising that sexuality can be fluid, that some people are just wired a certain way and their personhood is not always dependent on finding the name for it. Reading online at that age the definition made me also realise that my attraction to a person is deeply dependent on who they are uniquely, my respect for them, and how the beauty of their humanity glows through all of it.
I think what helped me settle in with the pansexual label and the queer label especially was my own relationship with my gender. The frustration of literally just sitting there and feeling a jarring disconnect when someone looked at you in a group of other people and said “Ladies!” and then the following few seconds feeling a vehement love and protection for my unique journey as a woman, esp a multiracial one and then once again wanting to vomit when people wanted to bond with me over a bodily function like bleeding or being a vessel for a fetus that people seem to want more of when society at large can’t even show empathy or active protection/love for the grown children they want so goddamn more of. It’s all a mess and attraction and identity is all a swirl of your experiences and genetic makeup, I feel zero compunction to judge or police others into getting a hold on who they are when at my big age it’s all so much noise to me when I get into the fundamentals of it.
What is important is how you feel when you’re at your happiest. Who you feel it for is secondary and that if you experience feelings for someone or attraction and they expect you to come with all your respective labels intact then they are not being fair to you. Literally, don’t put pressure on yourself while you’re questioning things and don’t let the noise of everyone else telling you where you do or don’t belong in terms of sexual identity let you feel bad for finding your space and then backpedalling when you find another angle of yourself you feel right about.
I hope this helped somehow. I’m often all over the place online but if you ever do want to have a real conversation about it, I am more active on discord if you’d like to reach out.
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hello! i only just started following you like a day ago, so im sorry if this is out of left field but i've been questioning/arguing back and forth with myself about gender identity for like 4 years now. I feel like i've wasted enough time trying to just act like it's whatever, but now i've reached a place where i know i can't go on like this, but i'm not even sure how to start coming to terms with it? what did that look like for you if you dont mind me asking? cause i literally dk where to start
I'm really open about my gender stuff so feel free to ask. I'll answer this publically in case anybody else could benefit. This answer is from my perspective as a nonbinary trans man, so the language is the language I use to describe my personal experience. However there are as many ways to be trans as there are trans people, so use whatever language feels best to you. There's no right or wrong way.
This is also going to be mad long.
I am also still working through some internalized transphobia. And I've been partially out for 6 years and completely out for a year. It takes time 😔.
I realize now I've had dysphoria my entire life. Luckily my parents were pretty cool, so it didn't get horrible until first puberty. Thoughts like "I wish I had a different life" (even tho mine is objectively fine and safe) are gender dysphoria.
In highschool I played around with "crossplay", which I now realize was a safe way for me to express myself. I remember being so excited like "bounce up and down uncontrollable smiling" excited when I could look in the mirror and see a more masculine version of myself looking back.
Here's where being bi and trans makes things a wee odd. Because I wrote off a lot of my "I want to be that" vibes about men as "I'm attracted to that" for a long time. I, conversely, convinced myself that a lot of my "I'm attracted to that" feelings about women were "I am woman". Which feels ridiculous to say now actually.
I coveted broad shoulders and lean backs for myself. I've had short hair most of my life, but would find the haircut I wanted on a male model then try to find a similar enough cut on a female model lest I show too much of myself to a stylist. I've wanted stubble p much since I was 13 (I'm terrible at using makeup for facial hair so that was always a bitter sweet thing to try). I have always hated how high pitched my voice is.
Conversely, I experienced euphoria at certain things. The first time I remember truly loving the shape of my body was when I started weight lifting in hs. Wearing my first pair of Chelsea boots felt particularly exciting to younger me. I would also go absolutely feral when folks would comment that I looked somewhat like some of my favorite "I want to look like you" male actors 😊.
So that's the basics and when I was 17 I was finally able to think "I'm trans". It started with me looking at a photo of a man and realizing "I would give anything and suffer anything if i could be that". I realized I'm trans first and I came to nonbinary later. I only started saying "nonbinary trans man" for myself in the last couple months.
When I first realized I am trans I was both so excited that I'd finally been able to admit it and accept it in myself but also very afraid that being trans would mean I'd have a life of sadness and ruined relationships (unfortunately being alienated from family is an unfortunate reality for lots of trans people).
I knew then that I would love to go on hormones and get top surgery, but my fear was pretty intense. So I kept my gender and my dysphoria more or less to myself for several years. I went through phases where I didn't think I had dysphoria, so it couldn't be "that bad".
When I was 21 I moved to a new city and changed colleges, so I started coming out to peers as nonbinary. At the time I felt like I was ok without medically transitioning. Unfortunately the more I came out the more I noticed my discomfort with not being out.
Like I couldn't see how bad I felt until I started feeling good sometimes.
Also since before I realized I'm trans at 17 I would get like sickly green jealous over trans masc folks who were medically transitioning. I never ever expressed this, because it's fucked up to bring other people down, but I was so desperately jealous of that experience.
When I was 22 I watched the umbrella academy with my friends and it triggered an icky dysphoria episode that felt like anxiety times a billion. Which seems silly but that's how it went down. My grandma was also diagnosed with cancer, and I really didn't want to feel like I had to wait for her to die to live my truth or keep things from her. So I changed my pronouns on Facebook and looked into starting microdosing testosterone.
My family has been ok with my coming out. I didn't say or do anything more grand than change my Facebook settings and answer questions when they have them. I find myself projecting a lot of my internalized transphobia onto my family and expecting issues where there are none.
Going on HRT was the best thing I've done for myself in a hot minute. That and finding a queer therapist. I wasn't sure if I would like HRT until I picked up my script from the pharmacy. I did not realize how completely dysphoria was fucking up my brain until I started treating it with hrt.
In the last two years I've found a friend (who is cis actually) that I feel very comfy telling all the gender dramas to. That has helped a lot, because I used to be so afraid and uncomfortable talking through my gender experiences and feelings. I regret spending so many years steeped in intense shame, but for that time I wasn't ready yet or safe to start working out my dysphoria.
I'd say if a feeling persists over the course of years, it's probably not going anywhere with things the way they are. If you can find even one person to truly listen to you and help you find yourself through these difficult things, that is invaluable. I was told to think of transition as a menu not a checklist. For me, having everybody use my pronouns and proper gendered language is imperative to my happiness. I also started hrt and will get top surgery soon. I have no bottom dysphoria and haven't really stopped wearing clothes from the women's section of stores. So the clothes I wear are what i want, for the most part, and I now only wear makeup when I truly think it'll bring me joy.
Other people may not want hrt or surgeries at all. Or some combination of stuff. Honestly I think it's great to do some reflection and research and figure out what feels best.
I began to think of my behaviors with a Marie Kondo inspired "does this thing stimulate me and bring me excitement?" If not, try something that you think may give you excitement. My old pronouns weren't making me feel good, so I started using they/them and more recently he/him. Those pronouns feel so much better.
Like gender spring cleaning.
As far as deciding to do some medical things, that started with my imagining instead of "ugh my life is all wrong" thinking, "if I could wake up tomorrow in my ideal life what would that look like?" And looking at how my behaviors could make that ideal reflected in my reality. When I started hrt I was on the tiniest dose possible. I've increased and briefly decreased in the last year. I've also changed from gel to shots because I kept forgetting to apply my gel.
I feel so fucking good on hrt that I'm getting top surgery. Actually top surgery was more appealing than hrt for me, but also expensive and you can't like microdose surgery.
I am very visual so moodboards and vision boards really helped me feel out what I want.
I also use vague language for myself. I know a lot of people feel best when they have more precise labels, but I personally like being a queer trans person.
Sometimes I describe my gender as things that aren't gender. I think it's mad empowering to be like "this movie is my gender" or write or listen to music or make art or do whatever to express how you feel. Write or knit or dance or whatever creative type thing to express how u feel. Language can be limiting.
Basically it sounds like you may be in a similar place to where I was a little over a year ago when I was on the verge of coming out and starting my medical transition. When I was there I did a lot of reflecting, which for me was writing and making moodboards and talking to my most intimate friends. I think those weeks of asking myself "what do I truly want when I ignore how other people may feel about it?" And letting myself truly work through my answers was critical in my coming out and transitioning. I don't think I could have found the words and the confidence otherwise.
It's also ok to change ur mind. It's ok to change your identity. It's ok to change how you describe your identity. Nobody does everything the same way year after year. Everybody changed their hair or their favorite movie or their friend group. Change is good, it's a sign of growth.
Best of luck friend. Feel free to ask any questions. I apologize that this got so incredibly long, but I'm very chatty 😅.
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[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]
happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.
the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".
the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."
and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".
yeah i'm very subtle.
i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.
it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.
growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.
this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.
5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.
so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.
and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"
you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)
so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).
but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.
my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.
from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.
[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]
i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".
yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.
so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.
i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.
not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.
all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.
it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.
she is here, despite everything.
i am here, despite everything.
you are all here, despite everything.
some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.
but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.
we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.
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