#.Some have these > // which means Idk or I could use any label written next to those (shrugs)

[that-disabled-radfem]

Happy back-to-school y’all

I’ve attended and worked at a couple of super liberal universities. I avoid the gender studies departments for obvious reasons and I still had a lecture in which the female prof gave a brief overview of TERFs and proclaimed her hatred of JKR. Being openly critical of gender ideology, the porn industry, kinks, and ‘sex work’ are the kind of things that can ruin your future in academia. Not to mention the fact that any speech or actions that could be labelled transphobic (ie. defining woman as adult human female) can get you a suspension according to many universities anti-hate-speech policies. 

So, here’s a list of small and smallish (small in terms of overt TERFery, some may require more effort than others) radical feminist actions you can take as a university student:

(this is a liberal arts perspective so if you’re a stem gal this may not apply. but also if you’re in stem maybe you can actually acknowledge that women are oppressed as a sex class without getting kicked out of school. idk)

(Note for TRAs hate reading this: One of the core actions of radical feminism is creating female networks. This is not so that we can brainwash people into being anti-trans. This is because female solidarity is necessary for creating class consciousness and overturning patriarchy. It is harder to subjugate the female sex when we stand together.)

Take classes with female profs. Multiple sections of a class? Pick the one taught by a woman. Have to chose an elective? Only look at electives offered by women. When classes have low numbers they get cancelled. When classes are super popular, universities are forced to consider promoting the faculty that teach them

Make relationships with these female profs. Go to office hours. Chat after class. Ask them about their research. Building female networks is sooooo important!

Actually fill in your end of year course feedback forms. Profs often need these when applying for tenure or applying for a job at another university so it is very important (especially with young and/or new profs) that you fill out these forms and give specific examples of how great these women are. Go off about what you love about them! Give her a brilliant review because you know the idiot boy in that class who won’t shut up even though he knows nothing is going to give her only negative feedback because he thinks any woman who leaves the house is a feminazi b*tch. 

(note: obviously don’t go praising any prof - female or male - who is blatantly racist, homophobic, etc.)

(Also if you have shitty male profs write down all the horrible things they have done and said and put it in these forms because once a shitty man gets tenure they are virtually untouchable)

(also also, leave a good review on rate my profs or whatever other thing students use to figure out if they want to take classes. idc if you copy paste your feedback from the formal review. rave about the class to your friends. do what you can to get good enrolment for that prof for reasons above.)

Participate in class. Talk over the male students. Say what you mean and mean it. Call out the boys when they say dumb shit

Write about women. If you have the option to make a text written by a woman your primary text in an essay, do it. Pick the female-centred option if you’re writing an exam-essay with multiple prompts. (Profs often look at what works on their syllabus are being written about/engaged with as a marker of whether to keep those texts the next time they teach the class. If there are badass women on your syllabus, write about them to keep them on the syllabus) Use female-written secondary sources whenever possible. 

(pro tip: many women in academia are more than happy to talk to you about their papers. expand your female networks by reaching out to article authors through email and asking them about their cool shit)

Get your essays published! Many departments have undergrad journals you can publish in. This will ensure more people read about the women you write about and will demonstrate to the department that people like learning about women

Consider trying to publish your undergrad essay with a legit peer-reviewed journal. If you can do it, your use of female-written secondary sources boosts the reputations of the women who wrote those secondary sources. Also this helps generally to increase scholarship about women’s writing!

Present your papers at conferences! Many schools have their own undergraduate/departmental conferences that you can present at. Push yourself by submitting to outside conferences. Bring attention to women’s works by presenting your papers. Take a space at a conference that would otherwise be reserved for mediocre men

Talk to your profs and/or your department and/or your university about mandating the inclusion of female works in classes if this isn’t something they do already

Sit next to other women in your classes. Talk to them. Make friends. Form study groups. Proofread each other’s essays. Give each other knowing looks when the boys are being dumb. Just interact with other women! Build those female networks!

Be generous with your compliments. A female classmate and I were talking to a prof after class and the classmate told me (out of the blue) that I always have such interesting things to say. I think about that whenever I’m lacking confidence about my academic skills. Compliment the women in your classes for speaking up, for sharing their opinions, for challenging your classmates/profs, for doing cool presentations, etc.

Talk to other women about sexist things going on on campus. Make everyone aware of the sexist profs. Complain about how there are many more tenured men than tenured women. Go on rate my professor and be explicit about how the sexist profs are sexist

Be active on campus and in societies. If a society has an all male executive or is male-dominated, any women who join that society make it less intimidating for more women to join. Run for executive positions! Bring in more women! 

(Pro tip: Many societies’ elections are super gameable. You can be eligible to vote in a society election sometimes just by being a student at that university — even without having done anything with the society before. Other societies might just require that you’ve taken a class in a particular department or attended a society event. (Check the society’s governing documents.) Use those female networks you’ve been building. If you can bring three or four random people to vote for you, that might be enough for you to win. Societies have trouble meeting quorum (the minimum number of people in attendance to do votes) so it is really super achievable to rig an election with a few friends. And don’t feel bad about this. The system is rigged against women so you have every right to exploit loopholes!)

(Also feel free to go vote “non-confidence”/“re-open election” if only shitty men are running. Too often people see that only candidates they don’t like are running and so they give up. But you can actually stop them getting elected)

Your campus may have a LGBTQIA+alphabetsoup society. That society definitely needs more L and B women representation. It may be tedious to argue with the nb straight dudes who insist that it’s fine to use “q***r” in the society’s posters and that attraction has nothing to do with genitals, but just imagine what could happen if we could make these sorts of societies actually safe spaces for same-sex attracted women and advocated for our concerns

Attend random societies’ election meetings. Get women elected and peace out. (or actually get involved but I’m trying to emphasize the lowest commitment option with this one)

Write for the campus newspaper. Write about what women are doing - women’s sports, cool society activities, whatever. Review female movies, books, tv shows, local theatre productions. Write about sexism on campus. We need more female by-lines and more stories about women

Get involved with your campus’s sexual assault & r*pe hotline/sexual assault survivor’s centre/whatever similar organization your campus has if you can. This is hard work and definitely not for everyone (pls take care of yourself first, especially if you are a survivor)

(If your campus doesn’t have an organization for supporting survivor’s of sexualized violence, start one! This is probably going to be a lot of hard work though, so don’t do it alone)

Talk to your student council about providing free menstrual hygiene products on campus if your campus doesn’t already do this. If your campus provides free condoms (which they probs do), use that as leverage (ie. ‘sex is optional, menstruation is not. so why do we have free condoms and no free pads?’)

If you’re an older student, get involved with younger students (orientation week and such activities are good for this). Show the freshman that you can be a successful and well-liked woman without shaving your legs, wearing heels, wearing make-up, etc. Mentor these young women. Offer to go for coffee or proofread essays. 

Come to class looking like a human being. Be visibly make-up less, unshaven, unfeminine, etc. to show off the many different ways of being a woman

Talk to the custodial staff and learn their names. (I know there are men who work in this profession, but it is dominated by low-income women) Say hi in the hallways, ask them about their lives, show them they’re appreciated

Be explicit with your language. When you are talking about sex-based oppression, say it. Don’t say ‘sex worker’ when you mean survivor of human trafficking. This tip is obviously a bit tricky in terms of overt TERFyness, so use your best judgement

That’s all from me for now! Feel free to add your suggestions and remember that feminism is about action

#back to school #university #terf safe #terfs DO interact #feminist action

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

Oblivious

Word count: 12,961

Genre: Pining but fluff?

Pairing: Carol x fem!reader

Warnings: drinking sort of (let me know if I need to add any)

Summary: Carol flirts, you're oblivious and Natasha is done with it.

A/n: So this is the first fic I've finished in months. It's also the longest fic I've ever written and the one I've spent the most time on. Also for some reason I thought this was a request but I can't find the request so maybe it wasn't. Usually I have them labelled but for some reason I labelled this "sort of request" so idk. If you gave me this idea credits to you I guess! I haven't edited this so sorry if there are mistakes but other than that I hope you'll like it!

“Hey cutie.”

Carol’s voice distracts you from your idle chit chat with Natasha as you wait for the rest of the team to show up for training. If it weren’t for the fact that her wink is sent in your direction you would have thought she was talking to Natasha.

“Hey Carol, what’s up” Your voice is awkwardly squeaky and you scratch the back of your neck with one hand, never sure what to do with your body around her. Thankfully she doesn’t seem to notice any of your odd behaviour. Although perhaps it’s because you always act weird around her so she doesn’t know any different.

“Ready for training today? It’s Steve’s turn to run it so it’s guaranteed to be a tough one.”

It takes a second for the words to process in your mind and you scramble for a response before the silence gets too long. “Um yeah! I think so. But unlike some people I don’t have powers to make it easier.”

“They do come in handy sometimes,” she agrees, “although I think it’s best for everyone that you don’t, you’d be too powerful with them.”

You feel your heart flutter at her praise. “You flatter me.”

“Just the truth babe.”

She winks again and your heart skips a beat. She called you babe! And winked at you! You have to use logic and remind yourself that she didn’t mean it in the way you want her to. Carol is just a friend and the sooner you remind yourself of that the better. You aren’t too fond of getting your heart broken.

“Y/n?” Carol’s voice brings you back from your thoughts.

“What?”

She’s looking at you weird. “Did you hear my question?”

“Oh sorry I must have spaced.” You give a forced laugh that sounds strange to your ears.

“No problem! I just wanted to know if you want to do some weight training with me?”

You want to say yes but you’re not sure if you can spend any more time with her. If you can’t control yourself within a two minute conversation when Natasha is standing beside you for support you definitely can’t spend more than that alone with her.

“I should probably save my energy for group training so I’ll just watch for now, maybe next time.”

“Next time.” she says and sounds a little disappointed before perking up. “I guess I better show off a little and use the heavy weights if a pretty girl like you is watching.”

You’re not sure what to say in response but Carol doesn’t seem to expect one, walking away to the corner where all the weights that are too heavy for normal humans are. It takes all your effort to peel your eyes away from her and to turn back to a smirking Natasha.

“Very smooth Y/n.”

You give her your best glare which admittedly isn’t very good compared to hers. “Shut up.”

Being the person that she is, she completely ignores you. “Could you be any more obviously in love with her?”

“I’m not in love!” you protest. You’re not sure if you’re trying to convince Natasha or yourself. You know you have feelings for Carol and you know Nat knows about them (she’s a spy, she knows about everything) but that doesn’t mean it’s love. Being in love with her scares you because you know she is way out of your league and there’s no way it would end in anything but hurt.

“That would be a lot more convincing if you weren’t trying to sneak glances at her right now.”

You flush and scowl at the same time. “I hate you.”

“No you don’t, you just hate how I’m right.”

“Nope I hate you.”

She doesn’t reply and you lapse into comfortable silence. Natasha often likes to be together without actually talking which is part of the reason you like being friends with her because you feel the same way. Today however the silence gives you too much time to think. You don’t want your mind to focus on the fact that you can see Carol’s arm muscles flexing as she does her reps or that you can see a single bead of sweat making its way down her forehead. It’s not anything you should care about but you can’t tear your eyes away from her.

She’s unfairly attractive and she’s confident enough to know it. You find cockiness annoying usually but Carol never seems to put herself above anyone else, she just is confident in her own skin. Which makes her even more attractive.

As if she can hear you thinking she looks up from the mat directly at you and you snap your gaze away, your cheeks burning. You want to look back and see what she’s thinking but you can practically feel her eyes on you and making eye contact after you were just caught staring is too embarrassing. Natasha being the amazing friend that she is takes pleasure in your embarrassment and you can see her chuckling quietly beside you.

“It’s not funny.”

“You’re right it’s not funny. It’s hilarious.”

You give her a mock glare, unable to be fully mad at her. For all her teasing Natasha could be quite helpful when giving advice which is something you sorely need since you can’t seem to even talk to Carol without getting flustered anymore.

“What do I do?”

“Ask her out.” She says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“I can’t do that.”

She scoffs. “You totally can. Just go up to Carol and say ‘wanna bang’ and I guarantee she’ll say yes.”

You roll your eyes. “Natasha be serious.”

“Fine,” she relents, “I still think you should ask her out though. Maybe bring her flowers and ask her to a nice restaurant or something like that.”

“Does Carol seem like the type of person to like flowers?”

“Maybe not,” she admits, “but Carol would love anything coming from you.”

It’s your turn to scoff now. “That’s not true.”

“It’s definitely true, that girl is completely in love with you.”

“You don’t have to say that just because you’re my best friend.” you tell her. Natasha isn’t usually one to lie but she can also be protective of you so you assume she’s trying to protect your feelings.

“I’m not lying, I’m surprised you can’t tell.”

“Can’t tell what?” You don’t want to listen to Natasha’s obvious lies but your curiosity gets the better of you.

“How in love with you she is. She’s always flirting with you.”

That brings out a small laugh. “She has never flirted with me.”

“So she wasn’t flirting when she came over here to talk to you?”

“No?” Your response is more of a question. You don’t think she was flirting with you because why would she? But Natasha knows way more about relationships and reading people than you do so you can’t help but begin to trust her a little.

“Y/n.” Natasha sounds exasperated. “We were both here but she ignored me the entire time because she wanted to talk to you. She was flirting with you.”

You let yourself entertain the idea for a second. The thought of Carol flirting with you makes you feel all warm and fluttery inside. But no. You push the thought out of your mind as quickly as it came in. Carol wasn’t flirting with you and you can’t allow yourself to get your hopes up and start daydreaming like this. The more you delude yourself the more it will hurt when Carol inevitably starts dating someone better.

“She wasn’t flirting.”

“Y/n I know what flirting looks-”

“She wasn’t. Now let it be, training is about to start.”

Natasha doesn’t look happy about it but she stays quiet. She knows pushing you right now won’t help and will only close you off from the idea more. She doesn’t know exactly what made you suddenly become closed off but she can guess. It breaks her heart a little to know that you don’t see yourself as good enough for Carol when she knows that you are incredible and Carol should be the one worrying about not being good enough for you. Perhaps she’s biased since she’s your best friend but you deserve better than anyone could give you. She just wishes you could see it for yourself.

You can tell Natasha’s thinking and wants to say more but you ignore her as Steve calls the team to group so he can start training. Natasha may be right about a lot of things but she has to be wrong sometimes, this being one of them. There’s no way Carol is into you and you have to keep telling yourself that so you don’t get your hopes up. The best way to deal with your little crush is to try to ignore it until you get over her.

---

“Y/n, wait up!”

You sigh as you hear Carol rushing to run to catch up with your quick pace. You had purposely gone in the opposite direction of your room which was where you were trying to go because you saw Carol in the hall and was trying to avoid her but apparently it had all been for nothing since she spotted you anyways.

“Hey.”

“You’re a hard person to find lately, how have you been?”

You feel kind of guilty about that. The truth is you’ve been purposely avoiding her for a few weeks now, ever since the day at training when you decided that you needed to try to get over her. You had quickly realized that it was impossible to get over her when you saw her constantly so you’ve been doing your best to fill your days with paperwork and missions so you were at the compound as little as possible and you tried to find ways to stay out of her way even when you were here. Natasha knows what you’re doing and obviously disapproves but she hasn’t confronted you yet and your plan to get over Carol is working. Or so you thought because although you had stopped thinking about her twenty four seven now that she’s back in front of you you can feel your chest get tighter and your heart beat faster.

“I’ve been busy but good.” you tell her simply.

“Cool.” she casually stuffs her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “Are you going to Tony’s party tonight?”

“Yeah, I think we all have to, right?”

“Tony did say it was mandatory.” she confirms. “I have to admit I’m a little nervous, I haven’t been to a proper earth party since I got my powers and I’m not sure I know how to behave.”

You can’t imagine Carol being nervous around people since she is so charismatic but you try to comfort her anyways. “It’s Tony’s party, nobody is going to make a bigger fool of themselves but him so you have nothing to worry about.”

She smiles knowing you’re right about Tony making a fool of himself. “I still want to make sure I make a good impression, maybe you could help?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. We could go together and you can teach me how to act and make sure I don’t do anything too stupid.”

“Are you sure I would be good at that? I’m not the best at talking to people.” You don’t know how to have conversations nearly as smoothly as most people and you’re even worse when Carol’s around so you’re not sure why she’d ask you for help.

She frowns slightly. “You’re great at talking to people-”

“Doubtful.”

“-and even if you are awkward we can be awkward together and it could be fun! Please come to Tony’s party with me.”

Your traitorous brain imagines what it would be like if she was asking you to the party as a date instead of as a friend for help. You want to say no because you know that spending time with her dressed up at a party will only complicate your feelings for her but it’s impossible for you to say no to Carol, especially when she looks so hopeful.

“Sure.”

She beams. “Thank you so much!”

“It’s no problem, it could be fun.” you say smiling back. You don’t care that you’ve just made a stupid decision because her smile is infectious and you love it when she’s happy. You forgot just how much you missed her smile during your past few weeks avoiding her.

“Of course it will be! It’s always fun to spend time with you, I’ve missed seeing you around recently.” She says it so casually like it’s no big deal but you can feel the butterflies in your stomach. It’s things like this that make you like Carol so much, how sweet she can be without even trying.

“You too.” you say and immediately cringe at yourself. You hate yourself for getting so awkward whenever you get flustered. Luckily she doesn’t comment on your weirdness, only smiles brightly at you.

“Well I’ll leave you to get ready then, is it okay if I pick you up from your room a few minutes before it starts?”

You nod mutely, not trusting yourself to give a proper answer anymore. The way she says it makes heat rush through your cheeks because her wording makes it sound like she’s picking you up for a date. Which she’s not, you remind yourself.

“I’ll see you in a few hours then Y/n.” she says and then with a wink she’s walking away. You stay rooted to the spot for a second before shaking your head and moving on. You have to keep yourself calm and focused tonight, you can’t let yourself get distracted by how pretty or nice she is because you can’t allow yourself to fall any further for her. As much as you know she might tease you Natasha is definitely good at giving advice about controlling emotions and she is the only one you trust not to blab about it to others so you head to her room.

Natasha isn’t there when you arrive but you let yourself in anyways and make yourself comfortable while you wait for her. You know it annoys her a little to come in to find you already there but annoying her is part of the fun. You’re not really in the mood to wait long since the party is only in a few hours and you need all the time you can get to prepare so luckily it’s only a few minutes before Natasha bursts in.

When she spots you she sighs. “Seriously Y/n.”

“It’s an emergency! I need your help for the party tonight.”

“The party you claimed you were going to ditch as soon as possible because you hate parties?” she asks skeptically and you remember ranting about how stupid Tony’s parties are yesterday.

“Well I changed my mind and now I need you to help.” you say with a small pout. “Please?”

She sighs. “Fine. I’m guessing this has something to do with Carol?”

“Why would this have anything to do with Carol?” you ask, trying to play it cool. She gives you a glance that makes you feel like she can see right through you and you hate how easy it is for her to read what you’re thinking.

“Fine, yes this has something to do with Carol.”

She smirks. “So was she the one who asked you to the party or were you the one who asked her?”

“Tasha, no teasing.” you tell her. “Neither of us asked the other to the party. Well technically she asked me to go with her but in a platonic way.”

Natasha gives you her signature look which is a mixture of affection and annoyance. You’re one of the only people she ever looks at like that and you definitely are the one who she looks at like that most often.

“Y/n,” she starts slowly, like you’re stupid, “she did not ask you to the party in a platonic way. Carol likes you.”

“As a friend.”

Natasha closes her eyes and takes a deep breath to try not to get too annoyed. “I can almost guarantee that’s not the case, tell me what happened.”

“Nothing much.” you say, ignoring her eyeroll. “She said that she hasn’t been to any parties like this and doesn’t know how to act so she wanted to go with me so I can help her.”

“That is the most obvious excuse I have heard in my life.”

“It wasn’t an excuse.”

Natasha can almost feel physical pain from how oblivious you are being. “It was definitely an excuse. You know I love you Y/n but if she wanted help with social situations she would have come to me or Sam or someone else who knows how to talk to people normally.”

“I can talk to people normally.” you mutter, not hurt by her comments because even though you deny them you know it’s true.

“Not the point,” she says, “the point is that Carol is in love with you and you’re too blind to notice.”

“Tasha.”

“Y/n.”

You both stare at each other for a moment before Natasha breaks the silence with yet another sigh. She’s been sighing a lot lately.

“I know I’m not going to be able to convince you but when you’re with her tonight I want you to watch her actions because she’s flirting with you and if you pay attention it is obvious.”

“Fine.” Natasha hasn’t quite given up but she isn’t pushing you on the subject too much so the least you can do is meet her in the middle.

“Good. Now what did you need my help with?”

“Tips on how to act less…” you trail off, unable to find the right words.

“Less like a schoolgirl with her first crush?” she teases and you nod.

“Maybe not the way I would like to put it but yes.”

She smiles mischievously. “You have come to the right person. So first of all…”

You listen as she details ways to stay focused, to not get flustered and to take control over conversations. You know most of her advice is going in one ear and out the other but you like to think that enough of it is sticking so that you won’t make a complete fool out of yourself tonight. She even tries to teach you how to seduce Carol but you quickly move her away from that topic. The only thing you need to do tonight is not get too flustered and trying to seduce someone who sees you as a friend would be a complete disaster.

Eventually time starts to run out and Natasha kicks you out of her room so you both can get dressed and put on some makeup. You’ve thankful now that Natasha forced you to buy a dress specifically for this party because originally you had just planned on grabbing an old one. You hate how you want to make yourself look good just for Carol but when you think about going with her you can’t help but take extra care as you do your hair and apply eyeliner.

---

Natasha waits until you’ve left the room before letting a huge smile take over her face. Just because you can’t see Carol meant it as a date doesn’t mean she is oblivious too and this is the perfect opportunity to finally make something happen. Carol has been flirting with you for ages - another thing she can see that you can’t - but she has never said or done anything bold that couldn’t be passed off as a friendly complement until now.

She wastes almost no time making her way out of her room and into the hall because even if she won’t need to spend as much time getting ready as you (because she doesn’t have a certain someone to impress), she doesn’t want to be rushing around at the last minute.

Carol’s room isn’t far but it’s not close either, giving her the perfect amount of time to go over what she should say in her head. She knows she should start off teasingly. It would make Carol nervous and unsure of what to expect from the conversation which would give her the advantage. In the back of her mind Natasha acknowledges that perhaps gaining the advantage in a conversation was not something normal people do when talking to their friends but she also recognizes that Carol is anything but normal and since she is overpowered in every way, the only way Natasha can have an advantage is through mind games.

She knows she shouldn’t be too hard on Carol though and after a bit of teasing she should provide support and ideas to help. You would never forgive her if she scared Carol away from you and she would never forgive herself (although she is tempted to try to scare her away because anyone who is scared by her is not fit to date you in her books). But that doesn’t mean she can’t have a little fun.

Natasha knocks when she reaches the door and Carol pulls it open almost immediately. When she sees that it’s Natasha she pales a little and Natasha barely conceals a smug smirk.

“Hi Nat,” Carol says a little wary, “not that I don’t love talking to you but why are you here? I don’t think you’ve ever been to my room before.”

“No I haven’t,” Natasha answers while avoiding Carol’s question, “may I come in?”

“Of course, you can stand or sit down wherever.”

She steps to the side and opens the door further for Natasha who wanders in and surveys the room. She doesn’t say anything but Carol fidgets, feeling like she is being judged. After a silence long enough to be awkward for Carol, Natasha finally stops looking around and sits down on the edge of Carol’s bed, looking as though she has been there many times before.

“It’s a little messy.”

“Oh,” Carol stutters and quickly tries to explain herself, “there’s not usually so many clothes on the floor, I was just trying on some different suits and dresses trying to figure out which one to wear tonight.”

Her explanation only backfires when Natasha smiles lightly and raises an eyebrow. “Trying to make a good impression for your date with Y/n tonight?”

“W-what???”

Carol’s expression is comical and Natasha can see her thoughts displayed plainly across her face.

“Is it not a date?” Her voice is the definition of innocence but her smirk makes it obvious she quite enjoys making Carol look as pale as a ghost.

“NO! I mean just- did Y/n say it was a date?”

“No but she’s oblivious to the fact that you want it to be.”

Carol laughs nervously. “What do you mean, no I don’t.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I don’t.”

“Carol…” Natasha warns and Carol sighs, knowing that she’s lost this argument.

“Fine but you can’t say anything to Y/n, please.”

“Too late for that,” Natasha tells her. “But you have nothing to worry about because as I said Y/n is oblivious and didn’t believe me.”

Carol lets out the breath she had been holding in. “Thank god, I know it’s obvious that I have feelings for her but I don’t want her to know because I really am okay with just being friends and I don’t want to ruin it.”

“You won’t ruin anything.” Natasha promises. “But the thing you should know is that you are also very oblivious.”

“What does that mean- no that’s impossible.”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Natasha watches as Carol processes the conversation and takes a few steps back, dropping into a seated position on the bed. She can see the thoughts racing around in her head and the small smile that grows and grows, lighting up her face when she finally seems to make sense of the fact that you have feelings for her too.

“What do I do?”

“Flirt, tell her you’re in love with her, and then ask her on a date.”

“Easier said than done, I meant how do I do it.”

“That’s up to you to figure out.” Natasha says heading for the door. “I believe in you.”

“Thank you.”

Just before Natasha leaves she pauses. “Oh and Carol? You hurt her and nobody will ever find your body.”

On that note she leaves a very confused yet excited Carol in her room as she sauntered down the hall back to hers to get ready, her job done. Now the only thing left to do was hope Carol actually did something about the information.

---

Your fingers tip tap on your thigh as you sit on the edge of your bed, playing with the hem of your dress. The silky fabric slides through your fingers too easily and not having something to hold is making you anxious. You’d tried pacing but walking in heels isn’t very fun and you don’t want to get blisters before the night starts. You know you look good yet you are worried about how Carol will react. What if she doesn’t like the colour green on you and takes one look before deciding she’d rather go alone? It’s stupid you know, even if Carol didn’t like your dress she would be kind about it but you can’t stop the negative thoughts from making their way into your brain.

A knock on your door startles you to your feet and you accidentally step on your toe with your heel and go crashing down. It must have made a big thump because you can hear Carol’s voice through the door.

“Are you okay in there Y/n?”

You stumble to your feet, wincing at the pain in your toe that you hope will go away soon. Smoothing out your dress you walk to the door.

“I’m fine.” you say, swinging the door open. “Hi.”

“Hi yourself, you look gorgeous.” she compliments, her eyes running up and down appreciatively. You mean to compliment her back but the words get stuck because to your surprise (and great happiness) she is wearing a suit. It’s black and textured and somehow makes her look feminine and masculine at the same time.

“Y/n?” she asks and you realize you’ve been staring for nearly a minute. Your cheeks burn.

“You look pretty and handsome.” you tell her. Your voice comes out all squeaky and much to your embarrassment she lets out a small laugh.

“Glad you think so, are you ready to go?” She holds out her arm and you stare at it a moment before you realize she means for you to take it. Awkwardly because you’ve never done this before you hook your arm through hers.

“Thank you.”

She looks over with a light smile. “No problem, I have to be a gentle woman after all.”

You smile back shyly and resist the urge to rub the back of your neck with your free hand like you always do when you’re nervous. You can feel your heart beating fast and even as you walk in silence through the halls to the event room it doesn’t slow down, the feeling of your bare arm against her suit all that you can think about.

“So what should I expect?” she asks when you reach the entrance. There aren’t any people around since everyone but the avengers were using the main entrance instead of the side one.

“What?”

“From Tony’s parties. You’re helping me remember?”

Stupid stupid stupid you remind yourself. You had gotten so caught up in things you had completely forgotten that the whole reason she’s with you is so you can help her at the party. She’s looking at you expectantly so you use Natasha’s advice to push all the thoughts outside of your head so you can focus on answering her.

“Right. So at first the party is kind of slow and there are a lot of boring business people but people quickly let loose and it can be kind of wild. Usually we end the night with just us avengers once everybody else leaves but you don’t need to worry about that part.”

She looks concentrated, like she’s hanging on to your every word and it suddenly occurs to you that you’re still hooked around her arm so you pull away, doing your best to act natural. Her gaze is intense and you’re not used to it being on you for so long so it’s hard not to fidget.

“Where are you going?” she asks after a pause.

“Nowhere.” Your brows furrow, confused by what she means.

“Then why did you let go?”

“Because we’re going into the party now?” Your answer is more of a question because you don’t know what she’s getting at.

“But I thought you agreed to help me make a good impression.”

“So?”

“So how could I make a better impression than walking in with a pretty girl on my arm?”

You try to fight the smile that springs to your face because you don’t want to look like a dork but you can’t help it, she called you pretty. Her words bounce around your mind so that you can barely think and you tell yourself to get your act together. She obviously only said that to convince you to walk in with her and she doesn’t mean it in any way beyond complementing your appearance. Even so, the smile doesn’t leave your face.

“I guess you’re right.”

It’s her turn to smile as you move back and resume your previous position attached to her arm. She wasn’t lying about making a good impression but that is definitely not the only reason she wanted you with her.

“You ready to go in m’lady?”

“Of course, lead the way my brave knight.” you tell her, giggling slightly. She looks over at you with a smile mixed with an expression you can’t quite place before she starts walking, pulling you along with her.

As you had told her it would be the party doesn’t seem like much of a party when you enter. It’s mostly old rich white men in suits talking business and gambling. You aren’t too fond of this part and if the way Carol scrunches her nose up in disgust at a particularly sexist man bragging to a group about how he bangs women half his age she isn’t either.

“Fuck first impressions, I’m going need a drink.” she huffs, not letting go of your arm and dragging you in the direction of the bar.

You let out a laugh. “Already?”

“Yep. Unless you would prefer I punch him and anyone else who says something stupid.”

“A drink it is.”

She grins. “I knew you would agree. What do you want?”

“Oh no, nothing for me yet.”

“Come on, don’t be a party pooper!”

You argue back a little bit but it’s half hearted because you gave in the moment she gave you a pleading face that looked so cute it nearly made your heart stop. When you finally say yes she does a little cheer, finally unhooking herself from your arm so she could wave the bartender over to order. Even though it’s Tony’s party the alcohol still costs money (fundraising for some charity apparently) and Carol insists on paying.

You decide to stick to a simple glass of red wine to start because you don’t drink often and as a result have an embarrassingly low level of alcohol tolerance. You’re already going to make a big enough fool of yourself tonight on your own, no need to add getting drunk to the list. Carol however has no such doubts and orders a couple of shots, downing them one after another.

“Much better.” she sighs when she’s finished.

“Does alcohol even affect you anymore?” you ask. You know that Thor, Valkyrie and Steve aren’t very affected by human alcohol so maybe Carol is the same way.

“Nope but I can pretend.”

You laugh. “I’m sure Valkyrie has a stash of space alcohol somewhere, she was less than pleased when she found out that earth alcohol isn’t strong enough.”

Carols laughs too, remembering her friend storming around the compound raging about fragile humans. “I’ll have to ask her sometime but hanging out with you is fun so there’s no need to get drunk tonight.”

Some business man comes up to the two of you before you can respond. He looks like a bit of an asshole but you couldn’t be more thankful for the interruption because you had no idea what to say. Carol sometimes is so genuinely kind that it throws you off guard and you don’t know how to act because you’ve never had someone act like that before. You fake a smile as she talks to the man but your mind is elsewhere because you realize you don’t mind that much that Carol doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about her. Of course that would be nice but having her as a friend is more than enough.

---

It’s gotten to the point of the night where people have started to relax a little. All the donation activities like a small auction have finished and people are having real conversations instead of just talking business. Ties are loosened and jackets are coming off as music plays in the background for the few that are dancing.

Much to your surprise Carol still hasn’t left your side. She had a few more shots and convinced you to drink a couple as well but she stayed the entire time, even as different important people came up to talk to her. You’re not quite sure why she thought she needed someone to help her make a good impression because she is great at speaking to people. From politicians to singers and actors everybody seems to love her company and if anything you are making it worse.

You aren’t going to complain though because this is the first time you are genuinely enjoying yourself at one of Tony’s parties. Usually you stand awkwardly in a corner and Natasha comes to check on you every so often but this time Carol makes an effort to include you. She always introduces you to the person who she’s talking to and she sends you smiles or eyerolls during her conversation, depending on how much of an asshole the person she’s talking to is. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like the two of you are sharing a special secret.

“Ugh finally.” she says with her biggest eyeroll yet when the stupid ceo of some company walks away thoroughly rejected. He wasn’t the first guy to try to flirt with her tonight but he was by far the most persistent. She had to reject his advances five times before he finally got the message.

“People flirting is really annoying.” you agree, trying to relate to her. You definitely don’t get hit on by old men as much as she just did but it has happened before and it’s always annoying.

She gets a strange expression on her face. “Well old men flirting is annoying but I don’t mind when pretty girls flirt with me.”

She adds a wink to the end of her sentence but you can tell something is still off about her. Swallowing down the disappointment you feel when you think of Carol flirting with girls you don’t know you nod.

“I wouldn’t mind it if pretty girls flirted with me but that never happens so being flirted with is annoying.” you explain. By pretty girls you mean Carol but you wouldn’t ever tell her that. The smile is suddenly back on her face and any traces of her sudden weird mood is gone.

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that.” she says, leaning over to whisper in your ear. “I’m sure pretty girls flirt with you often.”

You snort unattractively (she thinks it’s cute). “I wish.”

“Maybe you just don’t notice.”

“I think I would notice Carol.” you tell her.

She seems to find that amusing and takes a second to laugh. “Agree to disagree, how about we get another drink.”

“Definitely.”

Your initial plans to stay mostly sober tonight have been thrown out the window but you don’t really mind. You’re already slightly tipsy and you think that’s part of the reason this party is more fun than normal (the other part of the reason being you’re spending time with Carol). As long as you don’t get completely wasted and blurt out your feelings for her it should be fine. You are pretty good at acting sober while drunk, years of being a Shield agent had taught you that.

The area around the bar is crowded, apparently most people share your sentiment of finding the party more tolerable with alcohol. As you squeeze through the crowd to the counter you feel Carol’s hand rest on your back and gently help push you through the people. You know it’s just so she doesn’t lose you but it makes your stomach all flutterly just the same.

“Two shots each?” she asks and you nod. She immediately gets to work signalling you’re ready to order and luckily enough one of the bartenders notices and comes over right away.

“What can I get for you ladies?” he asks. His tone is respectful enough but there’s something about the way his eyes wander over your body that immediately makes you uncomfortable.

Carol also seems to notice because her voice has a hint of a warning to it. “Four shots of the Ironman special.”

He gives her a glare, recognizing her protectiveness over you but pours your shots and hands them over the counter. Carol immediately downs both of them while you take a little extra time.

“Thank you.” she says as she hands over the money. Her words are forced and she doesn’t sound very thankful. They have a mini glaring contest which is broken when somebody else further down the bar calls for his help. Carol smirks at him triumphantly and wraps her arm around your shoulders as he goes over to do his job and she ushers you out of the bar area.

“You didn’t have to do that.” you tell her once you’re sure he won’t be able to hear.

“Yes I did, I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.”

You smile. “Well thank you.”

“Of course, anytime.”

You sigh dramatically and give a little giggle. “My knight in shining armour.”

“Not your prince charming?”

“Not yet.” you tell her, giving her a wink. You’re not sure where that came from, winks are her thing, but your mind is practically screaming danger at you.

“And what would I have to do to become your prince charming?”

Your mind goes blank. “Um - well, just - I don’t know. Chivalrous?”

“I will be the most chivalrous person ever.” she promises. You had started the conversation as a joke but this doesn’t feel like much of a joke anymore.

“Did I just hear chivalrous? Because I’m the most chivalrous person ever.” Tony interrupts your conversation out of nowhere. Normally his interruptions can be annoying but he just saved you from making a huge embarrassment of yourself so you mentally thank him.

“Would Pepper agree?” you ask with a laugh. You know for a fact Pepper wouldn’t. She loves Tony and he loves her, that much is very clear but just last week she came to you to rant about how he missed their date because he lost track of time in his lab.

Tony pretends to think for a moment. “Maybe not. But let me prove it to you ladies with a dance?”

You’re about to agree to his offer but Carol beats you to it. “Not a chance in hell Stark.”

She’s glaring at him like he murdered a kitten right in front of her. You know they aren’t the biggest fans of each other but you’ve never seen her so openly hostile before so you frown. Tony seems less upset about her rude behaviour then you are and just laughs.

“How about you Y/n?”

Once again Carol speaks before you can even open your mouth. “She already promised me a dance.”

“Sorry Tony.” you apologize. You don’t know why Carol would lie but she’s already dragging you to the dancefloor by your hand so there’s not much you can do about it. You just wish your hand wasn’t so sweaty.

When you reach the dance floor she guides your hands to rest on her shoulders and her hands find your waist. Her expression is stiff but no longer mad and she’s looking straight into your eyes so you look away.

“What was that?” you ask, desperate to find anything to talk about other than how pretty you find her face up close.

“What?”

“With Tony.”

“He’s an asshole.”

That makes you laugh a little. “Well we all know that but usually you get along.”

“Can we just drop it?” she asks softly and something in the tone of her voice makes you nod your head in agreement immediately. “Thank you.”

Without the distraction of talking it becomes even harder to focus on anything but her. Her strong hands on your waist, not too tight but definitely not soft either. Her eyes stare right into yours and even when you turn your head to the side to avoid looking you can still feel her gaze on you.

It’s somehow too much and not enough all at once. You want to run away from your feelings and never look back but you also want to explore them, to lean in closer and see what she does. Maybe if you stepped closer you can dance pressed up against her and place kisses to her jaw… You scold yourself as soon as you finish your thought. It was one thing to fantasise about being with Carol and another to do so when she’s just in front of you and it’s easy to slip up.

“What are you thinking about?” Carol asks suddenly. You’re grateful for conversation but not that particular question because you can’t very well tell her that you were thinking about kissing her.

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

You ignore her. “What are you thinking about?”

“How pretty you are and how lucky I am to get to spend time with you.”

Your face gets warm and your eyes dart everywhere but her face, trying to find something to help you concentrate on anything but the excited buzz in your head.

Carol giggles. “You aren’t very good at taking compliments are you?”

“I can take compliments just fine, thank you very much.” you protest. It isn’t even a full lie, just a half truth. Most of the time yes you appreciate compliments but they don’t affect you much but when it’s Carol complimenting you it’s different.

“No you can’t but it’s fine because you look cute when you get flustered.”

You don’t know what to say back and your brain is not helpful because it keeps repeating her words over and over and squealing. You try not to appear too flustered again but from Carol’s smile you can gather that didn’t go too well.

“Thank you.” you say and immediately curse yourself. Thank you sounds so stupid and so meaningless, like you’re talking to someone who’s opinion doesn’t matter. But Carol’s opinion does matter, perhaps more than anyone’s and you want to at least show you appreciate her.

Before you can get too deep into self loathing thoughts and overthinking you feel a hand on your back.

“Can I steal Y/n away from you for a minute?” Natasha asks Carol.

If you didn’t know better you would say Carol looked disappointed as she nodded. “Of course, I’ll catch you later Y/n.”

You don’t know whether to be mad at Natasha for pulling you away from Carol or thankful she did before you made an even bigger embarrassment of yourself. Either way to Natasha’s credit she makes sure Carol is off the dance floor and way out of earshot before she speaks.

“You guys looked very close.”

“So?”

Natasha feigns innocence. “Nothing, you both just seemed like you were enjoying each other’s company.”

“Yes, spending time with her is fun.” you say, deciding if Natasha was going to play games then so were you.

“I’m sure it is, have you kissed yet?”

Even though you know Carol couldn’t possibly have heard her, your eyes widen and you shhh her. “Keep your voice down.”

“Is that a no?”

“Of course it’s a no, how many times do I have to tell you she doesn’t feel that way about me?”

Natasha rolls her eyes. “And how many times do I have to tell you you’re wrong? She’s so in love with you it’s ridiculous.”

“Tasha.”

“Y/n.”

You raise your eyebrow and give Natasha a stern look and she copies you.

“What’s it going to take for you to believe me?”

“Unless Carol tells me herself there’s no way I can ever believe it.”

Natasha sighs. “Fine, be stubborn. At least tell me about how your night has gone so far?”

You can tell she regrets asking the moment you open your mouth with a dreamy look on your face and start to gush about how Carol was so sweet and handsome and gorgeous and complimented you. But like a true best friend she listens as you get all the feelings out for Carol that have been building up over the evening and she even refrains from making too many comments.

“And she’s just so amazing that I can’t help but get flustered but I still love her.” you finish finally, wrapping up your mini speech that focused on why you think Carol is the best.

“You’re in love with her?”

You freeze at Natasha’s question. You didn’t even realize that was what you had said or that you even were in love with her but reflecting on that you know your little slip is true. As much as you don’t want to be in love with her you are and it only seems to get worse every time you see her.

“Hey,” Natasha’s voice is soft and understanding, “it’s okay if you are.”

“I didn’t realize how deep my feelings are and it scares me.” you share.

“I know.”

“What do I do?”

“Well you could try to get over her but I think you should make sure she doesn’t actually have feelings for you first because I know you think I’m teasing you or making stuff up but I do think she loves you back.”

“She doesn’t.”

“Please just keep that in mind, even if you don’t believe it, give it a chance.”

“Fine.” you tell her, without any intent of taking anything she said to heart. Sometimes you think Natasha wants you to be happy so badly that she creates her own ideas of what other people are feeling to give you hope.

She smiles. “Good. Now do you want to join the rest of them?”

You follow her gaze to where Thor, Tony, Carol and a couple of the other avengers are sitting together at a grouping of chairs. You swear you see Carol’s head move but it happens so fast that you brush it off as a figment of your imagination.

“Yeah.”

---

You can’t remember the joke but you laugh along with the rest of the group anyways. A few drinks in and nothing seems too serious anymore. The party has loosened up considerably with most of the super rich business people gone. There are still a few people milling around but there is no pressure for small talk and most of the Avengers have grouped together on the couches to have fun.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) Carol isn’t sitting near you but rather diagonally across. Maybe alcohol makes you brave or maybe it makes you stupid but right now you want to be beside her. Normally you wouldn’t mind since Natasha is beside you but she’s a boring person to drink with because she never even gets tipsy, much less drunk. She blames it on her Russian genes but you know the real reason is because she trained herself to have a very high tolerance and act normal even while drunk.

Tony is sharing some story of Bruce in the labs making a fool of himself. It’s one he’s told many times before but since most people are drunk or at least tipsy it still hits the mark and there is laughter all around. Carol has a nice laugh you notice and you’re surprised you haven’t noticed it before. It isn’t as soft as some people’s but it’s full and warm and comforting.

“Carol has a warm laugh.” you share, leaning over to whisper your discovery in Natasha’s ear.

“Really?”

“Mmhmm.”

Natasha smiles fondly at your words and plays along. She isn’t quite sure what you meant by warm laugh but if your smile is anything to go by it must mean something good.

More stories and jokes get shared and someone (probably Tony) brings another two rounds of drinks to the table so gradually everybody starts making less sense as the night goes on. It’s hard to follow the conversation especially when there are three going on at the same time and you can feel yourself drift away and start to get sleepy. Your eyelids droop as you lean your head on Natasha’s shoulder for support.

“Y/n?” she asks.

“I’m tryin’ sleep.”

“I need to pee so I’m getting up now.”

“No.”

“Don’t worry.”

You pout when you feel her start to move and sit up properly again. Your head feels heavy and foggy and your neck feels weak. You’re about to tell her to hurry but before you can you see Carol move and plop down beside you.

“Hi.” you greet her with a giggle for absolutely no reason.

“Hi,” she replies, “Natasha said you needed a shoulder to sleep on?”

You consider her offer for a moment before deciding fuck it. Maybe you wouldn’t usually agree but you’re too tired and drunk to think right now and who cares if it’s Carol’s shoulder, it’s not like you will do anything too stupid.

“You’re my favourite.” you tell her seriously, flopping over so your head is on her shoulder and you’re leaning up against her.

She chuckles slightly. “You’re my favourite too.”

You bury your face into the crook of her neck happily and inhale.

“You smell nice.”

“Thank you.”

“And you’re soft and warm.”

Her chuckle is back. “Glad I can be of service.”

You smile into her neck, suddenly even more sleepy than you were before. One of her arms moves and wraps around your shoulder. You feel small butterflies in your stomach at her touch but a strong feeling of safeness overwhelms it. Something about Carol relaxes you and makes you want to never let go. You suppose that should scare you but right now, as you breathe deeply and press your nose into her neck, you are just too tired to care.

The next thing you know you are being shaken lightly and your pillow is moving. You think for a second, confused about where you are, before you remember falling asleep on Carol’s shoulder in the middle of the party. Groggily you sit up and look around. Your head hurts and your eyes are blurry but you can see that there is almost nobody besides the Avengers left. Carol is still sitting beside you and stretching. Your cheeks heat up as you feel bad about falling asleep on her and making her sit in an uncomfortable position.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. How long was I out for?”

“About an hour.” she replies. “And don’t apologize, I didn’t mind. I just woke you up since everybody is getting ready to leave and I thought your bed and pillow is more comfortable than this couch and my shoulder.”

“Right.” you say with a light laugh. Privately you disagree because while your bed might be comfier than the couch, her shoulder is better than any pillow you’ve ever had. “Thank you.”

“As I said, it was no problem.”

“No silly, thank you for the whole night.”

She shakes her head. “I should be the one thanking you Y/n, I had an amazing time.”

“Me too.” you say, sad that the night is over. Almost as if she can read your thoughts she speaks.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Go where?”

She laughs. “Now who’s being silly. I’m walking you back to your room.”

“You don’t have to.” you tell her but you feel all nice and fuzzy about the thought so you really hope she doesn’t change her mind.

“Y/n,” she seems exasperated, “you’re tired and still a little drunk, of course I have to.”

“I’m not drunk.” you protest but your headache and fuzzy brain disagree with you. You don’t want Carol to walk you to your room out of obligation, you want her to want to.

“Yes you are, don’t deny it. Besides I like spending time with you and if I walk you to your room it’s an excuse to spend more time with you so please let me?”

You brighten up considerably after her words and smile. “Okay maybe I am drunk.”

“That’s what I thought.” she says while standing up. “Let’s go.”

You stare at her offered hand for a second before grabbing it and using it to pull yourself up. You’re grateful for the added support because you’re more unsteady on your feet than you anticipated and the floor seems to sway for a second before your vision returns to normal.

“Let’s go.” you repeat in confirmation once you’re sure you’ll be able to walk without falling down.

Carol gives some sort of goodbye to the people remaining but you aren’t quite sure who’s left and honestly you can’t be bothered so you don’t say anything, instead allowing her to lead you out of the room. The first few steps are hard and your legs wobble but it gets easier and as you’re entering the hallway you don’t even need her hand anymore (although you don’t tell her that because you like the feeling of holding it).

Time seems to pass strangely. While you’re walking it feels like forever to get to your room. By the end your feet are dragging, your head hurts more and you feel exhausted but at the same time it feels like no time passed and you teleported because you honestly cannot remember walking.

You feel your sleepiness returning as she pushes the door open and ushers you instead so you let go of her hand and take a few steps to your bed before collapsing onto it face first.

“You’re not going to take off your makeup or dress?” she asks, amused.

You give a grumble into your pillow that she can’t decipher but seeing as you don’t move an inch she assumes you mean no.

She sighs. “At least take off your heels.”

“I don’t wanna.” you tell her. Your head is turned sideways so this time she can actually understand what you’re saying and she laughs at the sleepy and whiny tone in your voice.

“You’ll regret it in the morning.” she warns.

“I don’t care.”

She sighs again. “Well then I’m going to help with your heels because I don’t want your feet to be sore, okay?”

“Fine.”

You hear her steps and some rustling before you feel her soft hands on her feet which makes you giggle.

“That tickles.”

“Sorry.”

“S’okay.”

She slowly removes your heels one by one, drawing out a few more giggles and a groan when your feet are finally free. You didn’t realize your feet hurt in the heels until they were off and you could feel the air on your toes that were no longer tightly constrained.

It feels oddly nice, you muse. Not in a foot fetish way but more in the way that you like it when Carol does stuff to show she cares for you. It makes you feel warm and fuzzy, like you are someone important in your life. You definitely can’t voice that outloud but you can show your appreciation so you murmur a quiet thank you. You’re not sure if she hears it at first because there is a small pause before she speaks.

“Do you need anything else?”

Your first thought and probably more rational one is to say no. Carol has already let you sleep on your shoulder, walked you back to your room and took your heels off for you, asking for more would be selfish. But maybe you are selfish because the irrational side of your brain is loud, way louder than the thoughts telling you to say no.

Maybe your idea is stupid, maybe it’s brave. Either way there is almost a one hundred percent possibility that you will regret it in the morning. But right now the morning doesn’t really matter and you are too tired and too uninhibited by alcohol to resist.

“Maybe.”

She laughs. “It seems like a yes or no question, what does maybe mean?”

“You might not want to.”

“There are very few things I wouldn’t do to help you Y/n.” she says. You’re nervous but her tone is soft and her words genuine so it gives you the last boost of courage you have to ask.

“Please stay.”

She laughs awkwardly. “What?”

“Nevermind.” you tell her quickly. You chant stupid at yourself in your head, reminding yourself why you shouldn’t ever open your mouth without thinking things through again.

“Not nevermind, did you mean stay here with you?” she asks.

“Forget it, it’s stupid.”

You feel a hand rest on your back which takes you by surprise but you don’t jump because it’s warm and comforting.

“It’s not stupid, I just want to make sure you’re sure, should I lie down or something... ?”

“I’m sure and whatever you want.” you tell her. You’re not sure if your racing heart is because of panicking a few seconds ago or because Carol is going to lie down beside you in your bed but either way it needs to stop.

“Okay.” she says. You can’t see her from your position so you’re not sure what she’s decided to do but you’re too afraid to ask. You feel the blanket being pulled from the foot of the bed and slipping out from beneath you before it’s placed gently over your body. You hum at the feeling of warmth as you feel the bed start to shift beside you.

Carol settles herself into position as you listen to the sounds of the sheets moving. She’s not touching you but she might as well be, you can feel her body heat radiating off her and although you still can’t see you can sense that her arm is so close to yours that you might accidentally touch it if you try to move.

“Goodnight.” you tell her when you’re sure she’s made herself comfortable. You can feel yourself on the brink of sleep and honestly you wouldn’t be surprised if you woke up only to find you dreamed this part because you can’t believe how amazing she is to you.

“Goodnight Y/n, get some sleep okay?”

You hum to show her you understand, too tired and overwhelmed to provide a real response. If anyone had ever asked you before you would have said you would be way too nervous to ever fall asleep in Carol’s presence. But obviously you judged yourself wrong because you fell asleep on her earlier and now it’s only a few seconds before your mind goes completely blank, you close your eyes and you drift away.

---

Carol waits until she can hear your breathing grow slow and deep and then waits a few more minutes to make sure you’re asleep. She supposes it should have been awkward, lying beside you while you tried to fall asleep, but somehow it felt right. It’s not necessarily the way she was planning to end the night but it was nice nonetheless.

She doesn’t want to get out of the bed and she almost doesn’t before she forces herself out. It’s one thing to go along with your wishes and stay while you fall asleep and it’s another to purposely forget and fall asleep next to you. The latter is just creepy and while she’s sure you wouldn’t mind she wants to make sure she’s doing things right.

“Hi.” The quiet voice to her side as she steps out in the hall makes her jump.

“Fucking hell Natasha,” she mutters, letting out a breath, “what are you doing?”

“Waiting for you.” she responds simply. “So?”

“So what?”

“So what happened?”

Carol sighs. “Nothing happened Natasha.”

Natasha gives Carol a quick look that shows great disappointment. “You had the whole evening and night with Y/n and did nothing about it?”

“I flirted with her.” Carol protests weakly.

Natasha shakes her head. “As you’ve been doing for months. Y/n cannot recognize flirting, we’ve already established that, which is why you were supposed to do something tonight!”

“There was never a right time.”

“Then why were you just in her room for half an hour? You were doing nothing?”

“She asked me to stay while she fell asleep.” Carol explains with a fond smile that turns into a frown when she sees Natasha’s frown. “What?”

“That’s not good.”

“Why?”

“Because Y/n will wake up alone and think she messed things up by bothering you.” Natasha tells her.

Carol’s frown deepens. “But she wasn’t, I like helping her and spending time with her.”

“I’m kind of regretting helping you because you obviously know nothing about Y/n.” Natasha snaps at Carol before her voice softens. “Sorry, but you should know that Y/n can be extremely dense and insecure.”

“She shouldn’t be, she’s amazing.”

Natasha smiles at the dreamy tone in Carol’s voice. Despite her harsh words she knows Carol does know you and would be amazing for you. It’s just sometimes hard for her to see why you might not think you’re perfect because she does.

“I know but she will.”

“What do I do then?” Carol asks. She doesn’t want an action she originally thought would be helpful to end up hurting you.

“Well,” Natasha says slowly, “you start by bringing her water and pain meds in the morning and repeat that it was no problem until she believes you. And then you have to actually show some guts and ask her out like you were supposed to do already.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Natasha asks in confirmation because Carol’s voice wavered a little, unsure.

“Okay.” she says before pausing. “But are you - are you sure she’ll say yes?”

Natasha fights the urge to roll her eyes. “Of course she’ll say yes, I wouldn’t be helping you ask her out if she didn’t want to be with you.”

“Even though I know her answer I’m still nervous.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Carol,” Natasha exclaims although not in an angry way, “would you rather be a little nervous asking her out when you already know what her answer is going to be or would you rather be a coward and not ask her out and watch as somebody else inevitably comes along and sweeps her off her feet.”

Carol gulps. “I would much rather the first option.”

“Good,” Natasha says before loosening up a little, “although I don’t understand why asking her out is so hard but flirting isn’t.”

“Shut up, that’s different because she never notices but she gets all shy and cute.”

“Imagine if everyone could see how soft you are around her,” Natasha teases, “oh wait, they already did when you let her sleep on your shoulder.”

“That was your idea!” Carol says loudly in mock betrayal. “You were the one who faked needing to pee and motioned for me to come over. If anyone is soft it’s you. You’re always looking out for Y/n.”

“Only for her because she is my best friend and she’d be lost without me.” Natasha says. “Which is why although I approve of you asking her out if you do absolutely anything to fuck it up or hurt her there will be consequences you don’t like.”

Carol tries not to shiver at Natasha’s warning and cold tone because although she has powers and Natasha does not she has no doubt that Natasha would make good on her threat if she hurt you because she is protective like that. Carol’s shiver must not have been as subtle as she hoped because Natasha smirks widely, proud of the fear she sees behind Carol’s eyes.

“Any last second doubts?” she asks. Her tone is light to someone who doesn’t know her well but Carol can sense the danger behind it and knows it’s a test.

“Of course not, I’m not going to mess anything up on purpose.”

“On purpose?”

“At all,” Carol quickly corrects, “I’m not going to mess anything up at all.”

“Good.” Natasha says and her tone is back to normal and friendly which helps Carol relax, but only slightly. “I’ll let you get to bed now, but remember to go see Y/n in the morning and don’t chicken out.”

Carol scoffs like it’s something she’d never do even though she already has several times. “I won’t, goodnight Natasha.”

“Goodnight Carol.”

---

Pain is the first and only thing you register when you wake up. Your head feels like splitting apart and your stomach is turning unpleasantly. You don’t get drunk often so the day after you are always surprised with the consequences and vow to never drink again. You don’t understand how some people manage to party every week and not feel like they’re dying.

You want to lie in bed for the rest of the day and hopefully fall asleep so you don’t have to deal with the pounding in your head but unfortunately your stomach has different plans and after it churns even more unpleasantly than before you have to make amends with the fact you are definitely going to have to get up.

Groaning, you roll out of bed, which only seems to make both your stomach and your head worse, and practically sprint to the bathroom. You make it just in time to flip the lid of the toilet quickly up and lean over the bowl before the contents of your stomach comes spewing up. It burns your mouth and the taste is awful but there’s also a bit of relief when after a couple of heaves your stomach slowly starts to feel normal again.

Even though you’re almost certain you won’t throw up again, you stay on the ground hugging the bowl, partly because you want to be careful but mostly because you’re too tired and too lazy to force yourself up. Plus an upside is the floor of the bathroom is cool which feels nice and it gives you time to think and try to remember exactly what happened last night.

The not remembering is perhaps the worst part of getting drunk. A lot of people would disagree, and for a lot of people it’s one of the best parts but you hate the fact that except for a few hazy memories of talking and dancing with Carol you can’t remember any details of what happened or the end of the night. You make a mental note to ask Natasha what happened, just to confirm you didn’t do anything too embarrassing.

You’ll talk to her later though, because right now you’re seriously contemplating having a nap on the bathroom floor instead of having to get back in your bed. Ten meters seems a little too far right now and getting up would be a challenge itself. The universe however seems to have other plans for you because just as you press the side of your forehead to the cool plastic of the toilet and allow your eyes to flutter shut a loud knock at your door interrupts your silence.

“Y/n?” you hear Carol’s voice call out from beyond the door. “Are you awake?”

You stand up quickly, ignoring the way your brain swirls at the sudden movement. Carol arriving is the last thing you expected or wanted. You just assumed when you heard the knock it was Natasha and you don’t mind if Natasha sees you hungover because you know she’s not going to judge you. The logical part of your brain knows that Carol is a nice person and she won’t judge you either but you still feel like you have to impress her for her to like you and right now you look like shit.

As you make your way to the door to let her in you frantically try to make sure your hair isn’t sticking up weirdly and you make an attempt to brush the goop out of your eyes. It’s by no means perfect and you probably look just as awful as before but it makes you feel a little more prepared by the time you swing the door open.

“Hey Y/n,” Carol says, looking you up and down and giving a slight laugh, “rough night?”

You laugh along awkwardly. “How could you tell?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know.” she says, playing dumb with you. “Maybe because you were really drunk last night or maybe because you look like shit.”

“Thank you.” you say sarcastically. Your response has a little more bite to it than intended because while you know she was just joking around and that you do look horrible it still hurts to hear her say that, no matter the context. Somehow Carol seems to sense the slight change in your mood and quickly corrects herself.

“You look like cute shit though, may I come in?”

You nod along dumbly as she steps into the room, feelings your cheeks heat up at her sort of compliment. You wait a few seconds for her to explain something, explain why she’s here but she doesn’t. Instead she just wanders in a circle taking in the pictures on your walls and your stuffed animal in the corner.

“Your room is nice,” she comments, “it suits you.”

Your brain tries to say thank you but your mouth blurts out the first thing you think of. “Why are you here?”

Your cheeks burn as soon as the words leave your mouth but you can’t take them back and luckily Carol doesn’t seem to take your question as rude.

“Well I assumed you might have a headache and could use some pain meds or water this morning,” she says, “that’s my official reason anyway.”

“Official reason?”

“Yeah it’s my excuse to talk to you.”

You feel your stomach flutter at the thought of her making excuses to talk to you and you forcefully remind yourself she doesn’t mean anything by it and not to gain hope.

“Why?”

She laughs as though the ‘why’ is obvious even though it is most definitely not. You notice however that her laugh seems slightly forced and when you pay even more attention you notice that her body is tense, like she’s nervous about something.

“Carol?” you ask again when she doesn’t answer.

“Do you remember last night?” she asks in replacement of an answer and you feel your blood run cold as your brain struggles to remember the end of the night and goes through every embarrassing thing you could have possibly done.

“Oh god did I do anything embarrassing? Do I even want to know?”

“No, no.” she’s quick to reassure you. “You didn’t do anything like that, just something you said got me thinking.”

“Okay…” you say slowly, still trying to think of what it could be, “what did I say?”

Carol fidgets with her hands and takes a deep breath like she is nervous about telling you. Her nerves are making you nervous because Carol is always so sure of herself that it’s weird to see her like this. You know she already told you it was nothing bad but you’re starting to doubt her because there's a not so small possibility she was only saying that to make you feel better. Finally (after what feels like forever but in reality was less than a minute of tense silence) she speaks up.

“After I walked you back to your room, you were really tired and wanted to lay down. You didn’t even take your heels.” She pauses to take a breath before continuing. “I knew they would hurt your feet so I took them off and then I decided to tuck you in but before I left you…”

“Yes?” you ask when she trails off. You’re really starting to get nervous now but you try not to show it.

“You asked me to stay with you while you slept.” she finishes to your absolute horror.

“I am so sorry Carol, I didn’t mean to-”

She cuts you off before you can continue your sentence. “Mean to what? Mean to make me uncomfortable? Because I’m not telling you because I was uncomfortable.”

“Then why?”

“Because the opposite.” she explains. “Because even just laying beside you while you fell asleep felt comforting and natural. It took all my willpower to get up and not fall asleep beside you because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You wouldn’t have.” you tell her. You’re still nervous but for a different reason now. It’s a hopeful type of nervousness and you can’t quite squash it down.

“Natasha tried to tell me that too.” Carol says and you can’t deny you feel a little bit betrayed. It was not Natasha’s right to tell Carol anything about what you feel for her.

“She what?”

“Don’t be mad at her, she was only trying to help.” Carol explains on Natasha’s behalf, sensing your anger. “And god I hope she’s right.”

“Right about what?”

“About this.”

It’s like a movie, the way Carol moves towards you. You see it happen in slow motion yet you’re still completely unprepared by the time she reaches you. One hand wraps around the back of your head and pulls you in until your lips reach hers. The first touch of your lips feels different, better, than any first kiss you’ve had before but just as you’re starting to relax into it you pull back suddenly, hyper aware of how awful it must taste for her since you haven’t brushed your teeth since throwing up.

“Oh god that was awful.” you groan, hoping you haven’t scared her off.

“Shit I’m so sorry Y/n, I wouldn’t have done it if you thought you wouldn’t-”

You laugh, cutting her off effectively. “No, not for me, it must have been awful for you. I literally taste like barf.”

She smiles, relieved you didn’t pull away because you hated it. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“Carol.”

“Okay fine it did taste bad but it was worth it to kiss you.” she admits.

“Weirdo.”

She shrugs. “If it means I get to kiss you then I’ll gladly be a weirdo.”

“If you’re trying to flirt you’re not doing too well.” you tease her.

“Excuse me, I don’t think you have the right to talk miss ‘I can’t notice flirting if it punches me in the face’.”

You scoff. “I’m not that oblivious.”

Carol smiles fondly. “Mmmhmm. So you know I’ve been wanting to ask you out for months then?”

Your gasp loudly. “I can’t believe Natasha was right!”

“I can’t believe I just admitted I wanted to ask you out and that’s what you focus on.” Carol replies.

“I can’t believe that either.” you agree with her. “I’m kinda freaking out right now.”

“In a good way?”

“Definitely in a good way.” you confirm.

“So you wouldn’t be opposed to going on a date soon?” Carol asks and you shake your head furiously, ignoring the fact you still have a bit of a headache. “What about brunch today?”

“Oh wow, I didn’t think you meant that soon.” you say laughing. “But I’d love to, I just need a chance to get ready first.”

“Of course,” she says, “I’ll leave you to get ready and maybe come back in half an hour? I’m sorry if that’s not enough time but I’ve waited so long to go on a date with you I don’t think it’s physically possible to wait anymore than that.”

You don’t think you can contain the smile that spreads across your face if you tried. “Half an hour is perfect, I’ll see you then.”

“Great! I’ll see you then!”

She smiles back and awkwardly, lingers in the doorway for a second before giving you another smile and leaving. You wait until you see her walk quite a ways down the hall before closing your door and letting out a high pitched squeal. And if anyone ever asks you will deny it but you may have done a small dance party in celebration before grabbing your phone to text Natasha.

Y/n: I hate you

Natasha: I take it your talk with Carol went well?

Y/n: We have a brunch date

Natasha: Someone’s eager

Is now the time to say I told you so?

Y/n: I still hate you

Natasha: Hate me all you want but you wouldn’t have a date without me

Have fun <3

Y/n: Ty

I definitely will

---

** If you want to be on my 'taglist' follow my other blog @procrastinatingsapphictaglist and turn on notifications. I reblog all fics on there after I post them and that is the sole purpose of that blog.

#carol danvers x reader #carol danvers x y/n #carol danvers #captain marvel x reader #captain marvel #marvel women #fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #mine

[jikseud]

[17:26]

pairings: felix x gender neutral reader

wc: 2147

genre: fluff with a bit of angst if u squint hard.

warnings: mentions of cheating (?), y/n being an ass idk what else, pls lmk if there are things to include hehe

a/n: I don’t really write that often soooo...

“I don't get why characters in horror movies are this dumb,” I whispered to Felix as we were watching this horror movie that we randomly found on Netflix. I heard him chuckle softly at my statement.

“That just adds to the thrill and interest, I guess,” he replied. He kissed my temple before pulling me closer to him.

My phone suddenly rang on the first half of the movie. I quickly went to see who it was and my heartbeat immediately picked up its pace after seeing the caller ID being “My love💖”.

Okay, now we're starting...

I am turning into a such a nervous wreck right now. My hands are starting to shake and my heart is starting to beat so loud that I could basically hear it in my ears. I stood up, looking at Felix silently excusing myself. I walked a little towards our room's window -which is not too far from where he is- before picking up the call.

"Hello? Sorry, I'm with him right now. I'll call you later," I ‘said’ quietly to the 'person on the other line' before ‘hanging up’. I looked up at Felix to see his reaction and saw that he's looking at me so seriously I felt my knees buckle. I tried to smile at him but failed nonetheless.

“Who was that?” he asked. I opened my mouth to answer him but nothing came out as my throat went dry. He raised his eyebrows at me. I lowered my head.

Okay, here we go.

"I-," I tried to speak but I just couldn't find the words. I sighed before looking back up at him. "It's no one," I told him, still trying to calm myself. He then rolled his eyes at me.

“If you're going to fucking fool me like this, then do better. I'm not stupid, Y/N. I clearly saw the caller ID,” he replied harshly. “And "I'm with him"? Really Y/n? If you're going to do this to me, give a little respect at least.” he added and my legs shook at his tone.

“Then why'd you still ask if you knew already?” I talked back quietly, too weakly for my own liking. He snickered.

“Because I wanted you to explain yourself at least,” he said and I swallowed hard.

“What's there to explain, though. You've already seen it, it's all that there is,” I told him and he scoffed.

“You could've at least told me where I went wrong... where everything went wrong? Y/n, you can't do this and expect me to not ask you for any explanation, I'm not as stupid as you think I am," he paused a little before continuing, "On what aspect of this fucking relationship was I lacking, huh? Are you getting too bored with me that's why you did this? Am I not enough for you anymore that's why you decided to find another one? Am I not loving you enough for you do this to me huh, Y/n? I thought we were having something special? I thought you said I was and will always be the one for you? What happened, baby? When did everything change? When did things go wrong between us? What did they do to get you sway that easily?” he questioned, his voice shaking from hurt. I sighed, every word was like a stab in my chest. He looked at me, his eyes searching mine for some explanation… any reaction. When they didn't give him anything, he spoke once again.

“When did this start?” he asked. My breath hitched. 

Well now, it’s working. 

It took me a while to answer but I did when I saw that he was getting impatient. “Just today,” I answered, stifling my laugh. He looked at me confusedly and I looked back at him trying to hide my smile.

“What do you mean ‘just today’?” he asked again.

I can't take this anymore...

“It's a prank, you dumbo!” I told him as he sat there, his confusion clouding him even more. I sat back down beside him as I tried to hug him but I was shocked when he moved away from me. “Why?” I asked. He stared at me with such hatred now and I couldn't help but feel nervous once again with the look he's giving me.

“What do you mean ‘Why?’ Y/n?” he asked. “You talk as if I didn't just caught you cheating on me,” he said. I gasped.

“Baby, I told you, it was a prank,” I replied with hurt in my voice. He looked at me, still not trusting my words. “I'm serious, Lix. It's just a prank. Do you not trust me enough? Go on and check if you want. I could never do something like that to you, you know that,” I told him with shaking eyes as I handed him my phone. He gave me daggers while he took my phone in his hand. When he finally held my phone, I felt my hand start to shake a little harder as I retreat it back and I think he noticed it with the way he glared at me.

“If you're being honest then what are you so nervous for?” he asked me skeptically. My eyes shot up at him, looking at him with wide eyes.

“H-huh, who said something about being nervous, h-hah-ah. Pffft I'm not nervous, shut up,” I told him. He glared at me once again before going back to checking my phone. I saw him swipe from left to right, probably looking for something that would prove my innocence.

It took him a few minutes -because he practically opened every single app in it just to be sure- before finally getting to the last page where he saw the widget labeled "To the man I love the most.💖" that I had prepared for him. I looked at his face just to check his reaction and then I saw him looking at it confusedly. He stared at it for a solid five seconds while his thumb was hovering over it.

The widget looked like it was excitedly shaking from my point of view, just waiting to be finally pressed and when the thumb above finally clicked on it, that's when all hell broke loose.

My mind had gone crazy by the time he started reading it. Tons of thoughts clouding my head and spilling continuously out of it like a water inside a broken dam, just like how every feeling I had has been spilling on Felix at the moment...

The widget leads to my notes app wherein a letter is written in a pink background. A color I know he really loves.

“To my baby,

Hello, my love! It's weird talking to you like this because I wasn't really fond of letters and all these sweet things but for you, I'm alright being cheesy and all that. First of all, I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you in the process of this thing... whatever this is... whatever it is that I did before you finally get to read this poorly written letter of mine which contains everything that I wanted to say to you but couldn't because I'm too shy hngg *insert cute face right here*. Anyways, I hope that you finally believe me that what happened before this was all a prank (the proof is literally beside this widget which is the Fake Call app, so don't fuck with me). Felix Lee, aka my sunshine, my happiness, my everything... I wanted to thank you for being the best man ever for me. Thank you for making me happy everyday, for taking care of me and or loving me every single moment that you have. You are seriously the best guy I have ever met (next to Harry Styles, of course... kidding) and I love you for that. I am so thankful that the Gods have given you to me (yes, bitch I own you... lol kidding again... but I'm not sure if this'll still be a joke after this though) and I am so thankful that you decided to stay with me even though I'm just... me. Felix, I don't know what else to say but just know that I love you and every single thing about you. I love how you scrunch your nose up whenever I make an awful joke but still try to laugh just to satisfy me (you're evil btw). I love how you cook for me when I don't wanna just because I'm too lazy (yes chef, go off!!!). I love how your eyes lights up when you're talking about something you love and something that you reaaally love doing (a.k.a ME). I love how your hair looks in the morning and even when you always say that you hate it, you still look so beautiful nonetheless. I love your freckles as well because it feels like I am looking at a sky full of stars and you're the sun wtf does that makes sense though? There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how so... Anyways, what I'm trying to say here is that, you are so amazing that I don't know how to put your amazingness into words and that I appreciate everything that you are. I love you, Felix and thank you for making me the happiest person in the world. But do you mind making me happier by marrying me?”

By the time he was finished reading my shitass letter, he was shedding tears with a smile on his face. Weird combination, I know. But it is so unfairly unfair how he still looks beautiful looking like this.

He stared up at me with tears still flowing out of his eyes as I slowly took the ring off from my own finger.

“I don't know what else to say to you, to be honest. I am so bad with words and you know that. I love you, though. I could go on telling you this everyday just to show you how much but I'm afraid I'd have to go on forever so will you finally answer my question and marry me? I promise I'd try and learn how to cook so you won't have to anymore… oh and I will try not to complain as much when you leave too much mess in the house,” I tried to joke just to lighten up the mood but I was confused when he started bawling out. I felt my eyes burn from tears as well and I let a few escape from them. "Why are you crying, stupid?" I asked wiping his tears off. He glared at me before pulling me into a hug and crying loudly on my shoulders. “Baby, stop crying, please. I don't know what's happening but I'm going to bawl out as well if you continue,” I told him. He sniffled before pulling away slightly.

"You... you bitch, I hate you so much for doing this to me," he said in between hiccups. "I hate you so much," he told me before bawling and hugging me again. I laugh at his cuteness even though I felt my hands shake once again. His possible answer finally clouding my mind.

I rubbed his back before kissing his neck lightly. "So are you gonna answer my question or what?" I asked him, getting a little impatient now because of nervousness. He pulled away from me.

"I hate you so much. I was supposed to be the one doing this and not you. I hate you," he said despite his eyes showing the exact opposite and still crying them out. "But just because we're here already, I have no choice but to say yes, I guess? Because I'd probably feel so bad if I rejected your goodass offer," He joked. I glared at him. "Kidding. I'd say yes anytime, you know that. I'd say yes a billion... trillion times," he told me and I smiled before putting the ring on his finger. He smiled so wide seeing the piece of jewelry on his finger before taking my face on his hand and kissing me hard.

"I love you so much, y/n," he told me after pulling away. I closed my eyes, feeling the moment. I leaned my face more to his touch.

"I love you more, baby. More than you could even imagine," I replied.

"Your prank is shit by the way," he stated after a while in silence as I hit him on the chest.

“Shut up, I still got you with my acting skills and you don't know how nervous I am while doing that thing when I didn’t have a solid plan,” I told him and he scoffed.

"Sucks for you then," he replied.

"Yeah? Well, sucks for you I'm not sucking you."

#I don't know what this is but here #lee felix #skz imagines #felix lee #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #lee felix x reader #stray kids #skz oneshots #lee felix fluff #lee felix scenario #felix scenarios #felix fluff #felix au #skz felix #stray kids felix #felix drabble #im so sorry if this is a shitass fic but #shit work #stray kids smut #skz smuts #skz smut #felix imagines #lee felix imagines #ORIGS

[mercuryonparklane]

I seriously debated keeping this one in the drafts...

Okay, I felt compelled to analyze the timeline of all of Taylor’s rumored/alleged boyfriends (barring any that she supposedly dated pre-fame) and why I believe they could have been fake/pr setups...

Disclaimer: this is all speculative and is just my opinion. No one has to agree... we don’t all have to agree because really the only people who know the truth are Taylor and those she has shared it with. I do have a very skeptical view of the entertainment industry and pr, so that is a bias I will own up to. I especially think Taylor, for a very long time, was willing to play along with the pr side of things, but eventually reached a breaking point (as any normal human under that amount of pressure and scrutiny likely would). Whether that means she has faked all of her public relationships or some of them or just aspects of them... I can’t really, truly know that. So, just keep in mind that this is one little, insignificant person’s view of Taylor’s public relationships and that I do not personally know any of the people involved...

Don’t take this too seriously, peeps... I’ll even tag it as crack theory...

Joe J.: June/July-September/October 2008

If nothing else this feels like a typical pr setup of two young stars. He had Camp Rock, a Jonas Bros’ album and a tour and concert film to promote. Camp Rock came out on 6/20/2008. The Jonas Bros’ third album, A Little Bit Longer, was released on 8/12/2008. In August, Taylor joined the band on stage during the filming for a concert movie that would be released in February 2009. 

Taylor had an album that was released just weeks after their alleged breakup. An album which contained a few songs that would be attributed to Joe J. due to the publicity surrounding their relationship. Hmm... what a great way to drum up interest in an album that includes quite a few heartbreak songs. Not saying I know that is the case, but they both had a lot to promote between June and November 2008.

Lucas T.: March-April/May 2009

He was in the Hannah Montana movie, which was released 4/10/2009. Taylor had a cameo in that movie and also wrote a song for the soundtrack. Lucas also played Taylor’s love interest in the mv for YBWM, which premiered 5/2/2009 on CMT. He was in one of her Myspace vlogs in April 2009. IMO, this was a setup to promote the Hannah Montana movie and the YBWM mv, but it didn’t really take off. Lucas later said they dated briefly, but he realized that he just saw her as a friend...

Taylor L.: August-December 2009

 They played a couple in Valentine’s Day. In September, just days after the VMAs where KW interrupted Taylor on stage as Taylor L. stood a few feet away, Taylor went to an Owl City concert at the Bowery Ballroom where she met the man who would supposedly inspire “Enchanted”. Umm... “please don’t be in love with someone else”... even though I am currently dating Taylor L. and he is my forever crush, but like, I am totally crushing on you actually. I have no clue if any Swifties have ever picked up on that discrepancy.  

Oh, and Taylor L. also “dated” Selena in early 2009 and I doubt Taylor would go there, even if they ended on good terms. I mean, it’s possible, but idk it seems unlikely to me. 

John M.: December 2009-February 2010

I think Taylor admired him as a musician (this seems to have been mutual with John praising her talent multiple times) and she may have seen him as a mentor at first. I do not believe that anything happened between them beyond that. I think he was so thrown off by “Dear John” because of that. He was already tweeting in the spring of 2009, hinting at wanting to collaborate with Taylor. The album their duet was on came out in November 2009, right before they started “dating”. Although it wasn’t released as a single until June 2010.

Besides, Liz (friend or otherwise) has remained a fan of John and even went to his concert a few years back. So, either she didn’t care that he screwed one of her supposed good friends over or it didn’t go down how people were led to believe it did.

Jake G.: October 2010-December/January 2011

Unless this relationship started much earlier than everyone has been led to believe, it is very unlikely that ATW is about him. It certainly seems to have been written prior to the maple latte/scarf/sister’s house articles that were abundant after that pap walk. Either Taylor used him as a scapegoat for a song that wasn’t about him or he was a willing participant in a pr scheme to make sure people thought the song was about him. 

He couldn’t have been setup with his costar, Anne H., because she was already in a long term, committed relationship. At the time Taylor was still good pr since she was still known as a kind of girl next door, all American type with genuine talent. 

I’m not saying I know for a fact it was fake. I’m saying there are plenty of reasons why I think it was. Everyone has different perspectives... mine is that this was purely a pr setup.

Will A.: sometime in 2010 and/or mid or fall 2011-January 2012 or May (?) 2012

They were likely just friends, but people did think they were dating back then. The songs that people think he wrote about Taylor (”White Dress” and “Kiss Me Slowly”) were recorded in 2010. So, if she started dating him in September 2011, which people think because the dress she wore to his May 2012 birthday party was the one she is wearing on the “Begin Again” cover art, then those songs aren’t about her. About the party dress...  Sarah B., who took the picture, was also friends with the Parchute guys, so maybe the photoshoot that the picture on that cover art came from happened earlier that day. 

He was friends with Liz’s ex Jason and one of his best friends is still to this day very close friends with Liz, so that’s probably how he met Taylor. I think Taylor hung out with that crew a bit back then. AND those times Will and Taylor were seen hanging out in late fall/early winter 2011, Jason and/or the other friend were there. Yes, I am saying that Taylor was hanging out with Jason in November/December 2011, just a few months after he and Liz supposedly broke up. She was also still hanging out with Liz a lot at that time and after, though, so I think it was all good.

Conor K.: July 2012-September/October 2012

This was Taylor’s worst pr. If it was a real relationship... it is borderline predatory. If it is fake... still a big yikes... I don’t have much to say about this one. I think it was fake and an attempt at making him the muse for “Starlight” (how cute, this song she wrote about his grandparents sort of became about them), “Begin Again” (nevermind that the copyright record say the song was written in 2011), and EHC (nevermind that the song was written in May 2012). It would have been great pr, though, if he was a couple years older. Taylor should have fired Paula after this one... (because the public should have never known about it, real or fake).

Harry S.: November 2012-January 2013

Similar to all the others before (and after), there were “random” sightings, including a birthday trip to “the lakes” and blatant pr (go on and wear that fox sweater and paper airplane necklace, Taylor...). That NYE kiss, though...

Calvin: February 2015-May/June 2016

Taylor finally dropped her old publicist and brought on Tree. First step, was to erase the “boy crazy”/“man eater” label (and possibly the “professional beard” label) and become an independent woman who just wants to have fun with her gal pals. It got a bit gayer than expected (whether Kaylor was really a thing to some degree or not is irrelevant to the point). The gay rumors were actually catching on even faster and people were like “oh, that’s why she couldn’t keep a man” (sexist/homophobic as all of this is/was, ofc). 

Enter Calvin... a playboy DJ who some might deem “tall and handsome as hell” (peeps, I am not really the best judge of a man’s attractiveness, so this is just how I think people see him). He seems sooo straight. I don’t know how else to say it. All of her other supposed boyfriends had gay rumors, whether or not those rumors were just people gossiping or had some basis in reality... I think he is the only one that doesn’t have them, that I know of anyway. 

I know a lot of people think they were really together, but I think this was an attempt to have her in a more serious, long term relationship to counteract both the gay rumors (not necessarily as a cover for a woman because I don’t think all of the guys have been or need to have been covers for a secret relationship with a woman, it’s about appearing straight) and the “can’t keep a man” narrative that had followed her around. Even if they were in some sort of situationship (not what I think, just theorizing here), it wouldn’t have been a steady thing and they seemed to not like each other very much when all was said and done.

I still laugh that he said Taylor was the opposite of his type (and specified that he likes brunettes) in November 2014 and then he allegedly dated her for almost a year and a half, starting literally a few months after he made that comment. If that was a real relationship, he was either playing it cool when he said that or he misjudged her or Taylor was determined to date him because it was a challenge.

Either way, it seems like her team controlled the public narrative and maybe Calvin was okay with that at first, but over time it seemed like he wasn’t a big fan of that. Maybe that visit to the strip mall massage parlor was a bit of a rebellion... 

At least they both got some royalties out of it...

Joe A.: September 2016-Present

Taylor’s team absolutely has control of the public narrative and he seems okay with that. He is a literal mirrorball. He is whatever Taylor supposedly says he is in her songs/whatever Swifties want him to be.

He likes to drop fun facts like how his family jumps into a freezing pond at Christmas or that he worked at a yogurt shop as a teenager. Whether they are real or not... he seems to be playing into the pr. Dropping little bits of information that will tie him to her songs... it is very “maple latte”/“paper airplane necklace”/dark jeans and Nikes... OR Taylor is just taking the few facts people know about him and using it to pin songs on him.

If he is a beard (which imo he likely is), I think he gets along with Taylor and doesn’t mind the minimal pr of it all.

I don’t think he is WB, either way...

Again this is just my view of things. This has no bearing on which women Taylor may have dated. I could do a separate post on what I think that timeline might look like.

One point I will reiterate is that I do not think that a beard would always be a cover for a secret relationship with a woman. I think it sometimes is, but it can be more of a general cover for someone who is gay. So many people think Taylor is the straightest person who has ever lived simply because of her public dating record. I mean, heteronormativity and homophobia also play a big part in that...

Edit: I completely skipped Tom lol. I just don’t buy that one either. Maybe he thought it would be good publicity or maybe he was led on to think it was more real than it was or maybe he was just having fun. Idk. All kinds of articles written about them at the time included some caveat about how they seemed fake or were maybe filming something...

#gaylor crack theory

[hoseokslefteyebrow]

You've Met With A Terrible Fate, Haven't You? || BEN DROWNED

Pairing : Yandere! Ben Drowned X Reader

Genre : Fluff, Angst, Yandere

Summary : Appears as a normal dude, but plot twist he's really not.

Wordcount: 4k lol

WARNINGS : This is fic is labeled as Yandere, for those who don't know what it means: "Somebody who is sweet and kind at first glance. But when it comes to their love (crush)they will act obsessive and violent." - Urban dictionary, poorly (but still disgustingly) described dead people, I know Ben originally doesn't kill but in the story he does, idk? Shit written¿ 

Also disclaimer this is my first time I've tried doing a yandere and it's obviously not my strongest point. Hope you enjoy either way.

You glance at the abandoned game console which your friend had dumped at your place earlier this day.

According to him, something was very, very, wrong with it. The Nintendo 64 was old, of course, but your friend mentioned not being able to pass the boss battle. He mentioned something along the lines of 'it keeps glitching and Link keeps dying'. In other words ' I know you're a hacker and I suck at this game, please hack it for me so I can feel less like a loser'.

You keep writing the email you're supposed to sent to your boss for another thirty minutes, before letting your curiosity lead you. 

Before you know it, you've plugged in the old console with more cables than originally planned because of how old it is, and with how modern your tv is. The first odd thing that strikes you is that there's only one account on it, and it's not labeled with your friend's name. 

Instead of 'Noah', it's labeled with 'BEN DROWNED' in bold passive aggressive letters.

Simply pushing it to the back of your mind, you start playing.

The second odd thing about the game is that the game has a specific date and it mentions how far BEN, or well, Noah is in the game. Yet when you click it, you have to start all over.

You shrug that off too, simply noting it as the game being old.

Before you know it, several hours pass, and you're finally at the boss battle Noah mentioned. Deciding to see if you can beat it first, you do not plug your laptop in at the Nintendo 64, and opt to play instead.

However just like Noah mentioned, you die as soon as you're close to winning and the game starts glitching.

It takes you barely ten minutes before you're fed up with it, and soon enough you plug your laptop in. You start up some programs and open up a few sites, quickly starting to work. Your fingers glide over the keys of your laptop as you type in the codes in order to hack the game, however after a few minutes, the game starts glitching heavily, and suddenly there's a sentence in bold red letters on the screen of your tv.

' YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT'

It says before the glitching becomes way too much, and some weird kind of red circle appears. Your eyes widen before unplugging the tv and game console, forgetting that your laptop is connected to it.

You miss the small glitches on the laptop screen.

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - -

He gritts his teeth as the access to his portal is suddenly denied, the power cut early enough to avoid him.

His red eyes wander in the green coded space, looking for an exit, something that'll make sure he can get his hands on whoever this is. Lucky for him, there's a small white space what'll lead to the outside of it.

Once he's trough, he realizes he's still close to his victim. In fact, he's even closer now.

He smirks as he realizes.

Killing her is fair game now.

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - »

You tap your chin as you look as the items on the shelf.

" Should I get the red one or green one?" You mumble to yourself.

" I'd recommend the green one. Green is always better." A voice from behind you startles you.

You whip your head around to look at the stranger who's talking to you.

Behind you is a male you don't recognise from anywhere. And as you start to study him, you realize he's quite handsome. He's got blonde hair, blue eyes and a rosy skin colour. He's wearing black ripped jeans, a dark green shirt, along with a black zip up hoodie, which is left open, he's got a few black ear piercings in his right ear, and has a gold chain around his neck, which disappears beneath his shirt, weighed down by a charm hidden away from your eyes. To top it all of, he's got a matching dark green beanie on top of his messily styled bangs.

" What? Did I say something wrong?" The blonde boy suddenly sweats.

You smile and shake your head.

" No, you didn't. I just tough I was alone here." You smile at him.

ØⱧ ₴₩ɆɆ₮ⱧɆ₳Ɽ₮, ɎØɄ Ⱨ₳VɆ₦'₮ ฿ɆɆ₦ ₳ⱠØ₦Ɇ ₣ØⱤ ₳ VɆⱤɎ ⱠØ₦₲ ₮ł₥Ɇ ₦Ø₩.

" I take that you talk to yourself then?" The male spits at you.

You're not sure if that's meant offensive or not.

" Um, yeah? I tend to do that sometimes yeah." You say, looking down at your hands who're still holding the red silk scarf and green silk scarf.

Đø₦'₮ ฿ɇ ₳₣ɽ₳łđ, ł ₩ø₦'₮ ⱨʉɽ₮ ɏøʉ. Øɽ ₩łⱡⱡ ł?

The unknown male's eyes soften subconsciously, looking at you with an emotion you're not familiar with.

" My name is Ben. What's yours?" 

Ben? Haven't you heard that somewhere before?

You smile at him, oblivious to the fact that you're talking to a killer.

" I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you Ben."

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - - » ᖽᐸᘉᓰᐺᘿS ᓍᖇ ᕼᘿᗩᖇᖶS ? ¿ »

His mind flooded with ideas.

There's so many options on what he can do to her.

Should he mess with her laptop?

Should he just kill her now?

Or should he become closer?

Maybe he should.

He looks at her trough the screen of the laptop, which is almost always open, today not being any different.

He watches her as while she watches something behind the laptop, from the sounds he can hear trough the mic, she's most likely watching tv.

Perhaps he should become closer to her.

Pull her closer only to have her blood staining his hands.

Oh yes, her blood shall soon become his.

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - - » ᖽᐸᘉᓰᐺᘿS ᓍᖇ ᕼᘿᗩᖇᖶS  ? ¿ » - - - ₭₦łvɇ₴

She doesn't realize it when her laptop suddenly starts itself up, nor does she know that there's a figure crawling out of it.

He stared at her with deciphering eyes, silently wondering how she isn't dead yet.

If this was anyone else, he'd had them killed already. Their blood would already be staining his face and she would already be screaming in pain and dispair.

Yet here she was, laying peacefully on her bed. Asleep, obviously not dead. 

He wonders exactly what he should do next. She doesn't know that he's standing right next to her. It almost makes him laugh.

She doesn't even know that he exists.

She doesn't know that he's here.

He glares at her before moving back into the world of codes and technology.

For now, she lives.

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - - » ᖽᐸᘉᓰᐺᘿS ᓍᖇ ᕼᘿᗩᖇᖶS  ? ¿ » - - - ₭₦łvɇ₴ - - - ᖴᗩᓰᒪ

" And then it suddenly started glitching and stuff. Weird isn't it?" You finish off your story as you look at your new friend, Ben.

After meeting in the grocery store, he had suddenly texted you. 

Not knowing how he got your number, you got concerned, and asked him. According to him, you had given it to him yourself. At first you didn't believe him, until he told you to check the time of his first message, which somehow was indeed around the same time you were in the grocery store. After that you just shrugged it off as that you forgot it yourself. After all, you knew yourself to be a person with the memory of a goldfish.

Today the two of you met up again, for the fourth time this week.

" Odd indeed. What did you do after that?" Ben asked, acting as if he's interested, even tough he's really not.

" I unplugged it. I think I'm gonna lay off hacking for a while." You shrugged, taking a sip of your drink.

Before he could even think of a response, there was an unknown woman at your table, also holding a cup of coffee.

" Y/N? Long time no see." The new woman greeted you with a smile, sitting down beside you on the booth.

Ben scowled at the newcomer.

Ⱨø₩ đ₳ɽɇ ₴ⱨɇ ₴ł₮ ฿ɇ₴łđɇ ₩ⱨ₳₮'₴ ₥ł₦ɇ ₩ł₮ⱨøʉ₮ ₥ɏ ₱ɇɽ₥ł₴₴łø₦

" Hey, Sara. It's indeed been too long. How are you?" You started chatting with Sara.

Meanwhile Ben's anger only grew.

" My names Ben." Ben suddenly dryly joined your conversation as he slammed his drink down onto the table aggressively, looking straight into Sara's eyes.

" Sorry. Didn't see you there. I'm Sara nice to mee-"

" Yeah, yeah, whatever. Leave. We didn't invite you to come sit with us." Ben spat at her, looking at her with an intense look in his eyes.

Both you and your friend turned to look at him in confusion.

" Is something wrong with me being here? Did I offend you?" Sara asked, genuinely concerned.

Ben was fuming now, on the inside. Who does this girl think she is? First she comes to sit at their table uninvited, then she's capturing the attention of his new favorite plaything, and now she's questioning him? She has to go.

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - - » ᖽᐸᘉᓰᐺᘿS ᓍᖇ ᕼᘿᗩᖇᖶS  ? ¿ » - - - ₭₦ŁVɆ₴ - - - ᖴᗩᓰᒪ - - - ᖇᘿᗷᓍᓍᖶ SᖻSᖶᘿᘻ

He heard her conversation with a male he certainly doesn't know trough her phone, using the microphone without her knowing.

According to what he knows, they're on a date. And according to her contacts, his name is Jaime. He can't find where they met, nor did he know why they met up.

But now that she's checked her reflexion one too many times, and made a pic of her full outfit to send to him, probably to mock him for not having her, ɏɇ₮, he realizes that she's on a date.

After some research by surfing quite literally trough the internet. It turned out this 'Jaime' person was Mexican, and had a soft persona. On his facebook page were pictures where he's working with animals or doing volunteers' work or overall just something where he's helping others. He found the black haired male pathetic, weak even.

In all honesty, even he himself didn't really find him a threat. Not when he looked like that and was overall just kind and bambi looking.

However, all his expectations are thrown out of the window when he hears them say their goodbyes.

" You know, I had a lot of fun tonight. You're really a nice person. In fact, I'd like to go on another date with you again." This voice was definitely that of a male's, probably Jaime.

" I agree. I had a lot of fun too." She said.

₣Ʉ₦? ⱧØ₩ ₵₳₦ Ł₮ ฿Ɇ ₳₦Ɏ ₣Ʉ₦ ₩Ł₮ⱧØɄ₮ ₥Ɇ?

" Good. Do you have a ride or would you like me to drive you home?-" He blocks out the rest of their conversation.

It appears that the good guy needs to go too.

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - - » ᖽᐸᘉᓰᐺᘿS ᓍᖇ ᕼᘿᗩᖇᖶS  ? ¿ » - - - ₭₦ŁVɆ₴ - - - ᖴᗩᓰᒪ - - - ᖇᘿᗷᓍᓍᖶ SᖻSᖶᘿᘻ - - - ᖇᘿᗷᓍᓍᖶ ᑢᓍᘻᕵᒪᘿᖶᘿ - ᓍᕵᘿᘉ ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ∆

" We should spend more time together." Ben says randomly as the two of you snuggle on the couch.

You giggle, your ears tinting red.

" We're already together all the time tough." You tell him softly.

" I know, but still. By the way, did your stupid date reply yet?" He asked, eyes focused on the tv in front of the two of you.

" No, and don't call him stupid." You pout, softly scolding him.

₲ØØĐ

He grins at you with mysterious eyes.

You shrug it off, knowing it's part of him. The two of you have been hanging out for a while now. Almost three months to be precise. And you two have gotten very close. What used to be keeping distance and keeping the line between acquaintances and friends, had turned into friends or something more. You two almost hung out every day, you were basically attached to each other's hip now.

After a few peacefull moments, you excused yourself to the bathroom.

Right as you left, your phone rang.

He turned to look at the disturbing sound  his eyes widening at the name which is appearing on the screen.

 SARA

He stumbled over the couch to pick it up, an unpleasant feeling of suprise rising whitin him.

" Y/N?! You have to listen to me! Ben is not who you think he is! He's this-"

" I'm this what?" Ben smirked.

Damn you were taking a long time in the bathroom, not that he minded.

The other end of the line was dead silent.

" Don't worry. You don't need to say anything. I'll come home soon. And trust me, once I am, you will never be able to speak a word again." He spoke, an eerie calm in his voice.

" Goodbye, Sara." He said before hanging up.

" Sara called?" Your voice suddenly startled him.

" What? Oh, yeah. But she was in a hurry so she said she'd call you later." He smiled innocently.

You nodded and the two of you resumed watching the movie.

" Isn't there a way, that we could spend more time together?" He suddenly wondered out loud.

You sighed and turned to face him.

" I'm sorry Ben, but I have a job and I like spending time with other people too. So I'm afraid not." You told him softly.

An idea coded itself into his mind.

JɄ₴₮ ₮ⱤɄ₴₮ ₥Ɇ, ɎØɄ'ⱠⱠ ฿Ɇ ₥Ł₦Ɇ ₴ØØ₦

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - - » ᖽᐸᘉᓰᐺᘿS ᓍᖇ ᕼᘿᗩᖇᖶS  ? ¿ » - - - ₭₦ŁVɆ₴ - - - ᖴᗩᓰᒪ - - - ᖇᘿᗷᓍᓍᖶ SᖻSᖶᘿᘻ - - - ᖇᘿᗷᓍᓍᖶ ᑢᓍᘻᕵᒪᘿᖶᘿ - ᓍᕵᘿᘉ ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ∆ - - - ᕲᓍᘺᘉᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ

You sighed in dispair in the night air as you walked home. Once again, you were rejected in a job interview.

A few days ago you were fired from the job you actually liked. You couldn't understand why either. You didn't do anything wrong, you were quite hardworking and always finished the documents in time.

Your supervisor looked afraid, terrified even when he told you to immediately pack your bags and leave, and ever since you just can't seem to get in anywhere. Not even the gas station wanted you in charge.

" Well hello there. What do we have here." A creepy voice suddenly sounded from behind you.

You turned around only to be greeted by a man with a creepy smile and even creepier, eye lid-less eyes. He was holding a knife, making his intentions obvious.

You didn't need to think twice about his intentions and whipped your phone out of your pocket with the intentions to call the cops and running.

The killer sadly isn't stupid, and has you on the ground under him whitin seconds.

Your phone's screen crack and slides to the other side, the dialed number not pressed on call yet.

" Don't cry sweetheart. It doesn't suit your pretty face. Don't fret, I'll make sure, you'll smile forever. " The killer tells you happily.

Both of you don't realize that your phone screen suddenly lights up in a green colour. Nor does either of you realize the figure crawling out of it.

The both of you don't realize, until the killer is off you and tackled down on the ground beside you.

" I've told you before. She's fucking mine. Go bother someone else." Ben's voice sounds suddenly.

You turn your head to look at him.

This time he does not wear jeans and a sweater. No  this time, he looks like he came straight out of a... Video game? He looks like Link, the main personage of the game which your friend Noah had dropped off at your place around six months ago. 

Ben never told you he was into cosplaying.

Your ears suddenly tinted pink as you realized, he called you his. Suddenly you felt a little giddy, the guy you like so much might actually like you back.

The killer underneath Ben growls out something you can't hear before throwing the shorter off him and leaving.

" Are you okay?" You ask him.

He turns to you with red eyes.

Red. Fucking. Eyes.

And that's not the only thing about his eyes that changed.

Instead of the usual white eyes have, his are now black.

And even there it doesn't end.

There's blood running down his eyes onto his cheeks, as if he's crying blood.

You take a step back.

What the fuck is this?

" Don't be afraid! I know I look a little... Weird, but it's all just part of my..... Cosplay." He explains.

You ponder over it.

He's never gave you a reason to not trust you right? Or did he? 

You ignore the instinct to run away from him, instead choosing to calm down and follow your heart, which is telling you to trust him.

" Come with me. You can stay at my place tonight." Ben tells you, holding his hand out to you.

You take it.

₲ØØĐ ⱠŁ₮₮ⱠɆ ₱Ʉ₱₱Ɏ

- - - ᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ᓍᘉᘿ - - - » ᖽᐸᘉᓰᐺᘿS ᓍᖇ ᕼᘿᗩᖇᖶS  ? ¿ » - - - ₭₦ŁVɆ₴ - - - ᖴᗩᓰᒪ - - - ᖇᘿᗷᓍᓍᖶ SᖻSᖶᘿᘻ - - - ᖇᘿᗷᓍᓍᖶ ᑢᓍᘻᕵᒪᘿᖶᘿ - ᓍᕵᘿᘉ ᖴᓰᒪᘿ ∆ - - - ᕲᓍᘺᘉᒪᓍᗩᕲᓰᘉᘜ - - - ᕲᓍᘺᘉᒪᓍᗩᕲ ᑢᓍᘻᕵᒪᘿᖶᘿ ›

It took longer than expected to reach his house. The whole road to his house is creepy. Ben appartly lives in this supermodern house in the woods.

Which is off already, the woods are known troughout the whole town as mystery. According to urban legends, there's creatures loving in there who shouldn't exist. Because of that, there's barely any people there. According to Ben, everything is all clear and safe, and you trust him with your heart.

You don't question him after his answer and instead follow him into the,indeed very,modern little house which is situated hidden behind the trees.

You get directly hit in the face with a copper scent as soon as you step foot into his house.

" Would you like something to drink?" He asks you as you enter his house, neither of you bothering to take your shoes off.

" Just water please." You tell him as you study the place.

The inside of the small house is more modern than the outside, with a big living space and an open kitchen. There's also three doors in the hallway.

One to the bathroom, one leading upstairs and one leading into the basement.

" Here you go." Ben returns, handing you a glass of water.

" Thanks, aren't you going to take off your make up and lenses?" You ask him.

His smile fades a bit, and for a moment you think you've accidentally offended him, but he nods with a pout before you can think about it twice.

" Yeah, that's probably a good idea. The livingroom is at the end of this hallway, feel free to make yourself comfortable." He smiles before going upstairs.

You stand still for a moment in the hallway as an eerie feeling suddenly starts crawling up your spine.

You ignore it, and instead start walking towards the livingroom.

Until the sound of something falling reaches your ears.

A sound that is directed from the basement.

Your first idea is to call for Ben, to alert him that you two probably aren't alone.

You don't do that however, because it could just be something falling off a shelf, right?

And so you decide to investigate it yourself.

As soon as you open the door to the basement, you're directly hit in the face with a very prominent copper scent. The same on you already smelled when you entered his house, except it's way too strong and there's something eerily familiar about it which you just can't pinpoint.

You silently push the door open, and turn on the lightswitch to the basement. Behind the door is a stony staircase, the rest of the basement is hidden away behind a wall. Curiosity takes over you, and you make your way downstairs before you can think about it twice.

As soon as you near the bottom, you spot blotches of red. The deep red substance is spread like a trail from he bottom stairs onto the rest of the room.

And then it clicks in your mind. It's blood. That's also the smell in the air. Was the intruder injured?

You step down the stairs while following the blood trail with you eyes.

You stumble back in fear and unpleasant suprise at the sight that greets you.

There's dead people down here. Most of which you don't recognise, but a few you do. 

You gasp as you look into a pair of wide blue eyes.

Sara.

She's sitting there, eyes wide open, with cuts all over. There's big ones in her rib case and near her organs, you can even see Intestines spread over the floor.

She's obviously dead.

But how come she's here?

Ben didn't do this? Did he?

Next to her is Jaime, who's eyes are closed but his chest is rising and falling.

He's alive.

You run over to him and shake him awake, not minding the blood that's now on your hands.

" Jaime! Please! Wake up!" You say desperately, tears now escaping your eyes.

" Y/N? Y/N! You have to get out of here. Ben, he's not who you think he is!" He tells you desperately.

" I'm not leaving you! Can you walk?" You ask him trough your tears.

" I'm chipped Y/N, you have to go. Get help. Ben's insane. He's a de-"

" Demon? Mass murderer? Failure? Dead? Is one of those what you wanted to tell her? How dare you lie to her! I'm none of those!" A voice suddenly booms trough the air.

You turn around while starting to shake. Jaime tries to hold you close to him with the little strength he has left. There Ben stands, still with red pupils and black eyes, dried red streaks still on his cheeks.

" Don't fucking touch her." Ben screams angrily, ripping you all but gently away from the male, causing you to tremble against him.

" Don't be afraid my love, he won't touch you again." Ben sushes you.

Is he really thinking that you're afraid of him?

" N-no. Let me go. Do-don't touch me." You tell him, pushing away from him.

He looks confused by your behavior.

" What's wrong baby? Please don't believe whatever lies he told you.-"

" What lies?! That you've killed my friend?! That you've killed these innocent people?! That you've chipped him?!" You yelled.

" They all deserved it Y/N! They're all in the way of our love!" Ben yells back desperately, stepping towards you.

" I don't even know these people!" You say, stepping back into the wall, knocking into a shelf.

You turn around to see what you knocked into.

Wait, is that the Nintendo 64?

" They all stared at you with sick twisted ideas! They really do deserve it." He tells you.

Suddenly it clicks in your mind.

" You're Ben from the game." You state.

He nods.

" Yes bu-"

" How?.."

" You clicked my game onto your computer remember."

" It was you wasn't it? You're the reason I've lost my job. You're the reason my friends all turned their back to me." You wishper, eyes now gathering in your eyes.

You've been so incredibly fucking stupid.

He's the reason your life has turned down the drain.

" Yes. But it's good right. Now we can finally be together." He says like a crazy man in love.

Which he is.

You start sobbing as you fall onto your knees realizing, all these people here. They've all died because of you.

" Hey, don't worry my live. We can now finally be together."

ɎØɄ'VɆ ₥Ɇ₮ ₩Ł₮Ⱨ ₳ ₮ɆⱤⱤŁ฿ⱠɆ ₣₳₮Ɇ, Ⱨ₳VɆ₦'₮ ɎØɄ?

 ᘜ ᗩ ᘻ ᘿ  ᓍ ᐺ ᘿ ᖇ.

#creepypasta fanfiction #creepypasta #creepypasta x reader #ben drowned x reader #yandere creepypasta #yandere #angst #creepypasta one shot #jeff the killer #jkjk #first time lol #idkeitherman

[pitaparka]

keepin’ busy

request: 5. “I know a few ways we could keep busy…” 19. “Pornhub is giving away free premium right now you perv. Get away from me.” 20. “That’s a dangerous game to play if we’re gonna be stuck with each other for the next four weeks.” with Frank Castle? idk how many prompts per request we're meant to send so I picked my fave 3

summary: frank’s been a lot more… tense, since quarantine started. whether that’s because he’s not taking his rage out on bad guys late at night or because he’s stuck in your house without a little privacy? that’s anyone’s guess… 

pairings: frank castle x reader

word count: 1.9k

warnings: suggestive content, frank has nice hands ;) 

a/n: if only we could go back to a time where we all thought we were getting like, eight weeks off… hah…haha…hahaha…whew… on a less depressing note, jon bernthal is really fucking hot. pretty pretty please send in some requests for my boy frankie :( i love him so much. If you’ve had any ideas floating around you’d like to see written out to completion, now’s the perfect time to see it happen! maybe some smut, or fluff, or angst, or anything really… big love <3

He wasn’t supposed to be staying with you. But apartment hunting when your face has been all over the news recently as one of America’s Most Wanted criminals in the state of New York is kind of hard to do, not to mention when there’s a global pandemic going on. You knew first hand, apartment hunting was hard enough as is. At first, you didn’t really notice him. He would always be out going on runs, exercising in the basement in order to not disturb any neighbors, and guarding the streets at night, like a vigilante cop. Soon, he was staying home more than he was patrolling. Frank still got out from time to time, but it was hard to catch bad guys when they were at home, drinking and sleeping and waiting to be able to go back to causing trouble again.

You hadn’t touched anyone in weeks. You were starving for affection of any kind. You missed hugging your friends, awkward cheek kisses from your family, even shaking hands with strangers at this rate. What you wouldn’t give for a nice firm handshake… 

It was driving you crazy. Frank on the other hand, was making the most out of his time stuck in your apartment. He had recently gotten into a netflix show, you had noticed, which was just one of the luxuries exposed to him during the pandemic. He strummed on your old guitar, the one you barely played anymore, if at all. It was a surprise to hear, but you knew from the familiar sounds of tuning and plucking strings that it was not coming from the television. It was a nice thing to see, him hunched over on your couch, guitar case open on the floor, fiddling with the capo for a song he knew by heart. It was nice he could let his guard down a little bit. He was even learning how to cook, and could make a mean fettuccine alfredo for the two of you. 

Frank was a very domestic man outside of his nightly routine of making New York a cleaner place to live. 

Nights were different now. You two sat together on the couch, your head on his shoulder, dozing off against him as he tried to clue you in on what was happening. It was a gangster show, but that was the only thing you gleaned from his run down. 

“I bet you were a mafia man in a past life,” you said, breaking the silence between the two of you. He tore his gaze from the television.

“What?” he said, smiling down at you. You didn’t look away from the TV, but continued.

“Like, a mafia boss or something. Yeah, I can see that.” “Where is this comin’ from?” he asks.

You hum as you imagine it, ignoring his question. 

“You’re weird,” he comments, and he puts his legs up on the coffee table.

“You can see?” he asks, and his feet are in the way of the screen but you’re not really watching it anyway, so you nod your head against his shoulder. He moves his arm behind your head and rubs your shoulder softly before resting it over the arm of the couch. You readjust yourself, head on his thigh, curling up into Frank. It became easier to listen to his breathing when he turned the volume down a bit, fully aware of you on his lap. It didn’t take long before you dozed off, but when you woke up, you were in your bedroom, shrouded in darkness, covered carefully by a comforter. 

OVER the course of the coming week, the two of you get closer. You’d even become invested in the show he’d started watching. 

With your closeness, you hadn’t noticed you started touching Frank a lot more. 

Nothing you wouldn’t do to your other friends. It was mainly just laying your head on his, playing old hand games you remembered from your childhood, and petting the back of his neck. It was absent minded, and it was only because he had shown you how to cut his hair with his old beard clippers. When asked about why you would run your hands over the prickly surface, you explained it felt nice, and that you had the right to admire your handiwork. 

Later into the quarantine you ordered a palmistry book, and since nobody else was around, you asked Frank to read his palms. He of course was hesitant, but did as you asked, handing over his right hand for you to examine. His nails were nicely trimmed, you noticed immediately. The tips of his fingers were calloused, as were his palms, the skin cracked under harsh and constant use. He held the flashlight from your phone as you read from the book and bent and pulled at the taut skin there. You read him his diagnosis, and he said it was all bullshit, like astrology. You just think he didn’t like being labelled as a dreamer. 

It really only heated up when you asked for the massage.

You said it as a joke, but Frank was by your side, rolling his eyes and pushing up the sleeves on his black Henley before you looked up at him.

“Oh shit, you’re actually gonna do it?” You mused, flipping yourself over. Very briefly you were self conscious of your lounge shorts and novelty shirt that was a size too big. But just for a second, because then Frank was straddling your back, considerately resting most of his weight on his knees, kneading your shoulders with his big hands. His palms work the knots out and you breathe a little lighter as he trails downward, pressing hard into your lower back. It makes you moan a little bit, but if he hears you, he doesn't acknowledge it. He takes precious time down there, all fingers and knuckles and palms, pushing hard into your soft skin, almost like he’s done this before. 

You feel him back up off of you, and you note the lack of contact, making you open your eyes for a second. His thumbs push and pull the soft flesh of your calves. It’s only moments before they move softly up your thigh, sending shivers down your back. He goes just a smidgen too high for comfort. It makes your heart jump into your throat, and you wriggle out from his grip.

“Pornhub is giving away free premium right now, you perv. Get away from me,” you say playfully, smile on your face. It’s not contagious.

“I thought that’s what you wanted?” He spoke, confused. Your brows furrowed.

“What?”

“You’ve been doing little things all week like that… ‘thought you wanted me to… God, never mind. I’m just… I’m sorry,” he apologizes, and stands up from the couch. 

You’re dumbfounded. You don’t know what to do. But you know you don’t want him to leave.

“What?” you respond again, this time with even more confusion.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re fine,” he says, making his way down the hall. Did he mean what he said? Did he say what he meant?

You stood up hastily to follow him, tripping over your own feet in pursuit. His hand is on the door handle to your office, which had since been converted into a room for Frank, complete with luxuries such as a pull out futon and fast internet speeds (thanks to the router being in there).

“Frank,” you said, stopping at the beginning of the hallway. You watched his hand grip the knob. His shoulders rise and fall with his breathing.

“I…” you start, but don’t know where to go. What to say. You’re confused, and you don’t want him to be upset. Not even at you, just in general. You can’t stand the lack of contact with the outside world already. It would suck to be alienated by your… roommate? If you could even call him that.

“What is this?” you say, and he spins around to look at you. 

Now it’s his turn to be confused.

“What?” he questions, and his shoulders are squared and tense.

“Where is this coming from? I mean… yeah, but… me?”

His brows are furrowed and he squints at you suspiciously.

“You?” He questions.

“I guess quarantine is taking a toll on everyone, and you can’t really see anyone else… do you… do you really want…”

“Do I really want what?”

You could barely look at him, eyes tracing the wood patterns in the floor and the door behind him. 

“Do you want that, Frank?” You ask. Your eyes meet his.

“Do I want what?” He asks again, irritated. You sigh gently, and your feet move on their own accord, anticipation and worry festering where your heart should be. He watches you come to him.

You stand in front of him, your feet almost touching, your hands by your side.

His eyes are dark in the dimly lit hallway. His gaze is intense.

You reach your hand out to him, taking one of his hands in yours and squeezing it, pulling it closer to you. He moves his head closer to yours, tentatively stopping within centimetres of your lips.

Then he’s on top of you, pushing his lips into yours, unyielding and feverish. His hand comes up to cup the nape of your neck and you breathe heavily into the kiss, softening under his touch. 

He pulls away, and you’re panting with the intensity of it.

“That’s new,” you say, backing up slightly. He smiles mischievously.

“We can take it slow.”

THE television in your room is smaller than the one in the living room, and has remained largely unused since Frank moved in. 

It’s nice to have Frank in bed with you. There are flashes of color bouncing off the walls of your dark bedroom. It’s not Frank’s mafia show tonight. It’s the news.

“It’s crazy out there,” you interrupt. “Never seen anything like it.”

Andrew Cuomo is on screen, making important announcements about the state of New York, when he changes your whole outlook in just a few words.

Statewide shutdown ends May 15th, adding another month on top of your quarantine with Frank. A lot longer than you had originally anticipated.

“That’s... two whole months, huh?” He ponders, your back pressed up against his chest in your bed.

“I know a few ways we could keep busy…” you suggested, tracing patterns up his arm. You tilted your head up to look at him.

“That’s a dangerous game to play if we’re going to be stuck with each other for the next few weeks,” he spoke quietly, tension thick in the air. He was so close you could feel his breath on your lips. 

His hand cups your chin and throat, and you swallow hard, gaze unwavering. You lick your lips inadvertently. 

He comes in even closer, and envelopes you in a soft kiss. Frank being a sweet lover, you never would have guessed. Your skull is cradled in his big hands, and it makes you notice how vulnerable you are to him. Your neck exposed, bodies pressed against each other in a hot passion. His lips are a little rougher down other parts of your body, but his hands are always soft and firm, touching and squeezing and dragging his fingertips down your stomach. He’s painstakingly slow with it, and it makes your breath hitch in your throat. What a tease. He knows what he’s doing to you, and it drives you crazy. It would be a long night. 

Frank knows how to take care of a partner, too. Only in his case, it’s not bandaging and stitching. It’s much, much more pleasant.

#jon bernthal #frank castle #frank castle fanfiction #frank castle x reader #frank castle imagine #frank castle the punisher #frank castle x you #frank castle x y/n #jon bernthal x reader #jon bernthal x you #jon bernthal x y/n #the punisher imagines #fluff #writing prompts #fluff prompts #smut #smut prompts #the punisher s1 #the punisher one shot #the punisher s2 #the punisher series

[tobebugjewce]

THE WALTEN FILES: my jumbled notes on my blind run-in with this web series

first off this is gonna be long and unorganized, also this is my second time writing this as i had lost literally half of my progress and im This (imagine two fingers almost touching with a 0.0000000001mm distance between them) close to ripping all of the fucking hair out of my goddamn head. but now this will be extra long and yes, i will lose some accuracy to my first writing but thats okay ill probably edit this a kajillion times over

which brings me to my next tangent; im literally braindumping here. so to have a smidge of organization all afterthoughts, edits and corrections will be boldened, i forgot what im gonna do with italicized text but ill probably bolden it here yeah im pretty sure its for side tangents, separate from Corrections, which are in bold. also theyre for emphasis too.

so in general, this post right here is all of my notes i wrote down on my grid-patterned sticky notes (which i used WAYYYY too much of) about the first 3 uploaded walten files youtube videos transferred onto my handy dandy digital notebook, this b(l)og. yeppers peppers. you know im serious about this shit when i typed probably over like a thousand fucking words including boldened shit, italicized shit and motherfucking links, lost it ALL, and im sitting here re-typing it again.

i feel bad about this but im not gonna trigger warn right here, but this is technically a warning. if you want a list of triggers as to what this post (and the walten files in general) i will link a little list to that here

without further a doo doo, (mama mia) here the fucking fuck we go again.

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #1

clarifying this now, im gonna put some useless shit which i thought was code onto this because even though it was useless it was part of my notes and im physically going to combust if i dont put down every single thing i wrote on my papers. so what i thought was code was in the closed captions, i started writing it down when i got to the second video but came back to my first videos notes to include them. i wrote down the first letter to every word that was capitalized in the closed captions, which i had on as a default because number one i knew going into this id need them because most web horror things like args and cryptic shit like that has some of the most crucial shits in the closed captions. number two i am autistic and have auditory processing issues and have most closed captioning on as a default if theyre available.

firstly jotted, i wrote down the closed captions “code” so im gonna put the rest here too: HYWITB(BSI)Y A(BSI)BJWFKWITW ILHHFSBBSBTLBWI USOISTBNBSFIRBCAWHSHCBWHTAIGRNB*C*BTWLTSFA(20)MCFP ILITIIACPH(1978, 1979)SA(4)YTSCH*C*OGSSU SFTGRPATDBBUTFBNLLCHMIHLBRALLCLAYTUKB*LC*WHATWASTHATTHING 

the numbers in parenthesis are there because i wasnt sure they should be included in the “code” or not. i also thought of this with the BSI - bunny smiles incorporated and also the years 1978 and 1979. the shits in asterisks are coughs and light coughs, which were capitalized in the closed captions so i included them too just in case

i then jotted, in parenthesis of course, the names of the animatronics when they were listed in the animation section of the video; bon aka the blue bunny, sha aka the sheep one, boozoo aka the clown<3 honk<33, and banny aka the purpled eyelashed up one who is also a bunny btw. also i got boozoo the clown and boozoo the mustache guy confused because apparently the clowns name is billy???? but they named “boozoo” in bons sleepover and showed the clown? idk maybe im an idiot and theyre the same or just an idiot and theyre different or a super mega (matt and ryan?!?!??) idiot in general which is probably the case

i started drawing little stars to write down things i thought would be super important or to 100% look at again. the first subject of this pointy torture was the part of the video where at 3:00, i marked it down to make sure to reverse the audio as it was most definitely a weird audio that has that signature warp-y effect that makes sure you KNOW its in reverse. i then listened back to it Very carefully (still got it wrong) and got this: “you finally start to remember. that old doll. they will look out for you soon” im also pretty sure i heard “sophie” at the end of that audio but im not entirely sure and dont remember and i dont wanna go back to check lmfao but anyways it didnt matter because i was wrong anyway. after i had finished all 3 walten files i watched the film theory video on the walten files (which didnt cover all 3 but was dece.) out of curiosity and to hear matpats signature silly little voice explain some stuff i already knew, and click some shit in my brain that i couldve thought up of if i was a bit more... i dont know honestly. anyways yeah so the actual audio is “you finally start to remember. that old day. they will look out for you soon.” so yeah. day, not doll.

i then wrote down “sarah evelyn”, the name on the bons sleepover animation (i dont remember if she created it or animated it or whatnot) and scribbled will she matter? under her name. turns out no, as i didnt see her name in the rest of the series, let alone the first video. this is also a great time to mention how matpat theory helped me realize that the walten files are collections of videos, uploaded onto youtube by anthony. (i already knew about anthony as he signed his name in the descriptions of the youtube videos, making me categorize this overall web series more into an arg type genre.) but yes, the tapes, recorded “irl” footage, animated clips, vhs tape recordings and other audio-visual content is all collected and labeled the walten files, as i had mistaken each video to be a tape. stupid me. alrighty, onward!

i starred this one, good for me; MISSING: Jack Walten LAST SEEN: 06/11/1974

i jotted down with an arrow that; sophie was a nightguard? she was wearing the uniform explained in tape 2 i dont know why but i went back into my video 1 notes after i had watched video 2. organization purposes. i guess.?? 

i then paused the video when the screen flickered a date, the beginning of video footage dated 10/10/1982 (Brian Stells?) god my little genius ass assuming the videographer was brian stells, based on the id card i saw earlier.

i then wrote down what text i saw on the dead, mangled, bloody body in the purple security suit; “i cant feel anything” “he thought i was her” then drew a little arrow pointing to; thought brian was sophie? or ashley? i also starred the name Brian Stells this is totally out of order LMFAOOOOOOOO also i wrote down ashley because, again, my little pea brain went back on my video 1 notes after watching video 2. but yep thats all i wrote for The Walten Files 1 - Company Introductory Tape

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #2 

Tape #1 - created 07/02/1978

awesome how thats first and foremost in the captions. god. so sexy of you martin walls. /j /nsx

this pack of notes is chunkier because again, like i have mentioned before i am an absolute goober and thought the capitalized letters of the words would actually mean something. I MEAN MAYBE THEY DO AND IM JUST DOING IT WRONG but i stopped doing it after this video because holy shit it was exhausting and my stupid little fingers couldnt take the writing anymore becasue i am WEAK. 

so write off the bat (squeak) i wrote down 197[] the blacked out rectangle over the last digit of that year and everything im also now assuming its probably 1978 or 1974 because lore reasons but whos to say but yeah i also wrote down this;

Tape #2 - created 08/13/1978

then, straight up in the beginning of the video i caught it, the flash of text, as i had by now realized i gotta be SUPER stupid focused on the screen in case i miss anything, i wanted to be crazy precise on my theorizing and mental notes, among other things. but yes i saw it, the first half of a youtube link;  “https://youtu” 

claps hands together and rubs them evilly. oh yeah baby. thats the hot lunch. this shit right here? the cats pajamas. lets fucking go.

i wrote down this goofy shit i pasued to inspect when i saw bon sorting through a file cabinet and naturally scribbled down the labels and other written things i could see on the files; 

relocate X/X/75 felix

storage K-9 07/23/1975 felix k(ranken)

Bons Burgers 06/28/1974 Jack Walten

Shipping Service 1975

New Location -> 1982

i also wrote down more goofy shit, like when banny was created for some reason; in 1974

starred, i noted to go back and reverse the audio at 5:09, when played back, i didnt write it down so i dont remember. lmao.

i also marked to screenshot and brighten the darkened image i saw at 5:20, i was going to do it on my phone then realized i can just do it on my computer so i quickly took a screenshot, brightened it and wrote down what i saw; a missing person poster that read MISSING: SUSAN WOODINGS(?) Last seen: 1974 i was very unsure of the spelling of her last name because the image was so goddamn low quality and grainy but its what i saw. this is where tape #3 gets thrown in, which im gonna type again because i like how the formatting looks;

Tape #3 - created 07/09/1978 (BEFORE tape 2?!//1/1??? its more likely than you think)

i wrote down more dates, any dates i saw, i jotted down. i wrote; 

Technical Support 1978 

then, 

Brian Stells (for some reason i dont remember right now)

alrighty this is where the stupid capitalized letters come in, but before it looks like i vomit a keysmash time infinity on this, ill put down the little inbetween things i wrote in the midst of the caps lockalypse like timestamps and stuff, so here you go;

- Reverse at 8:16 which i did but of course didnt write down what i heard. i think it was too warbled to hear anything clear out of it, or it was just the good ol auditory processing issues fucking me over yet again. WAIT yep yes i did here it is: “rosemary would go to the restaurant every night hoping that [her] beloved husband would reappear after being missing for weeks but no response until one day [s]he heard a voice [saying] ‘i know where he is rosie’ coming from the back stage” the bracketed stuff is the corrections, i misheard the audio and thought the audio said “his”, “he” and “singing” like a nimrod

- Brighten at 10:14 which was another missing person poster, but i dont think it had any information on it because i didnt write it down, just;

- Sophie again (pic at 9:08?) (dismemberd and put in Sha) i was stupid and wrong haha idiot it was rosemary who was put in sha but anywho

i starred and underlined a huge thing i discovered which was;

- Walten had 3 kids which i dont remember how i found out but it doesnt matter, its good important info i uncovered.

- Tape #4 - Unkown Date

- recorded 07/12-07/14 1978 

- Hilary B, Ashley P & Kevin W i made sure to get these names down as soon as i saw them on screen but then realized shortly after i wouldnt really need to have it as the closed captions made sure i knew which person was talking by using their first initial (capitalized of course) before each line of text. this is the perfect time to announce the arrival of the clusterfuck of capital letters, which is going to include colons which will indicate that the letter before it is the initial of the person talking. without further aedue, here comes another chinese earthquake;

TCWTSTATO(K-9)TBSSFWFCNEHAWBSUBIUC(BSIIDC)OWHISF INBIJTILNSPL(K-9)LCSCKCCCWTTLTLITTTYROTFAJAMHPYYSTCSPMBBWSBIB H:NTPPCCK:DA:HH:YCPRPMWTCBCRAWK:JH:SYYTCPBACPSTBAWCA:TK(?):FMTTCMK:TCPNOA:DTOFK:ITNPPRA:YBUTIRRFH:HKIBESRAIA:TCK:WA:WPCCFTRRIDPEH:GGK:GPA:LKK:WA:HNCGTKMK:YH:IGKA:ESK:MFH:RK:HILRLBNTRPPUWHITRRTPEIFEPH:YWBEBPK:MAHPBTRPTRPEL(LN)HTACPKLIKHPFITSKLTKLB(LB?)ISIBSUBIPRW AEBATHSPUAICTPURTWBBRPHTRTIIIILTCITCUCCP S(bpe, be)WA”IDCPBPSIB

holy shit its finally over okay now onto some MORE of what i wrote down in between and also after that keysmash attack;

12 doors? (backrooms) 27? 26? i was unsure because ashley was unsure too lmfao

found cassette (6/11/78) <- says “discard”? yeah it did

Tape in clown audio, speaking voice; jack, susan, charles(?), rosemary, sophie, last word sounds like “walrus” it was walten lmfao

Ashley died? yeah she did lmfao OR AT LEAST I THINK SO??

starred this one, Reverse @ 17:06, then got this;

“they left the next day, they thought ashley left early, but she was in the backdoors, screaming as much as she could, but no one heard the screams, the following days the caretakers would complain about an awful smell coming from the backdoors, company decided to shut down facility until new advice, the relocate project was unsuccessful. ashley is still there, but she is not screaming anymore, she saw something she wasnt supposed to see and now shes beautiful” the phrase “shes beautiful” was repeating like a bajillion times in that wall of text. then, god motherfuckng bless: 

at 17:23 i found the other half of the youtube link, “.be/k07QqEDOfQ” i pieced that bad boy together as instant as i think any form of ramen could never be, but remained ever patient. because i made sure to jot down this before moving onto my next segment;

@ end of vid 2, “shadow man sees* me when lights go off” im an idiot *it was actually “feeds” not “sees”, which AGAIN, i only found out after watching the stupid little film theory video *begins snarling and foaming at the mouth*

okay im not proud to admit im editing this to post it and realized ive lost my notes. well. 

might as well post what ive got! if i find my shit ill add onto this, i suppose.

#the walten files #twf #notes #horror

[taleofharrison]

Bass Lines | Calum Hood

Summary: Calum meets reader at a festival and bond over music.

Warnings: none really I think.

Requested: Yes by an anon.

Word Count: 1251 (which is crazy I thought it was shorter)

A/N: This one I wrote it in the second person like the fics I’m used to reading I’m kind of experimenting with different ways of telling stories so I can find with what I’m most comfortable with and because I use fanfic writing as my way of practicing English so enjoy and tell me what you think also I don’t play bass so idk if this is what you had in mind so I hope you like it.

MASTERLIST HERE

It was a small festival just a little something, nothing compared to Coachella or something like that but it still was a festival. They wanted to do something a little bit smaller than the stadiums and sold out venues they were so used to.

As they tuned their instruments Calum allowed himself to start playing and mess around a little bit with his bass plating some riffs not only written by him but from another of their favorites riffs by other bands.

"I recognize that riff!" you said making presence behind him known, "I wrote it"

"Yeah I just was messing around before our presentation" Calum lifted his look from his bass to look at you. He had seen you before, he had been following your band on youtube for a while though in person you looked different prettier is the word he'd use "I've been a fan of your band for a while"

"Really? I never thought the Calum Hood from 5 seconds of summer would be fan our little local band" you teased. Calum could've sworn there was a flirty tone in it.

"Well you have good songs and covers and I think you did a 5sos one, am I right?"

"Yeah we did Moving Along" you answered smiling.

"Sure uhm...Is this your first festival or...?" Calum wanted to talk to you he didn't know what else to talk to you besides music or your band.

"Yeah it is!" you said with a smile "The first time we are performing away from our hometown it's really a big deal for us and we are so excited!"

"Well I wish the best of lucks" he smiled at you. Ashton, Luke, and Michael were sharing amused looks they thought it was funny the way Calum tried to flirt with you "But I don't think you really need it anyways. Your band is great"

You turned your face with a flustered look in your eyes avoiding his gaze "I'm Calum by the way"

"Yeah I know," you said "I'd say you're pretty famous"

"But this is the first time we see each other in person" he pointed.

"Well you might have a point" you smiled "I'm Y/N"

"Y/N! Come here it's almost our turn!" the lead vocalist from your band called you.

"I have to go - uhm - nice to meet you Calum"

Once you weren't in sight Calum turned to face his best friends who were smiling and ready to make fun of him. He just knew it he saw it in their playful smiles.

"For a moment I thought you were ready to ask her to marry you" Luke started followed by Ashton's giggles

"You had heart eyes the whole time you were talking to her!" Michael exclaimed earning an eye roll from Calum.

"Honestly mate you should ask her out or at least for her number" Ashton suggested.

Calum just left the backstage to see your band's performance and maybe take a small video to post on Instagram and give you a boost.

calumhood- been following these girls for a while go check them out  @NewLight

As you guys left the stage you saw Calum on the side of the stage.

"So what do you think?" you asked putting your bass down next to you.

"Uhm it was pretty good for a small local band" he teased. He had been flirting with you since the moment he saw you so why not make the first move yourself?

"Maybe you can give some rockstar advice someday?" you offered

"Uh - yeah just give me your number" 

Around a week later you were outside of a small coffee shop in California. Calum had asked you to meet him there for a small first date. When you entered you spotted him and the back of the shop a black bucket hat on his head.

"I thought you weren't going to show up" he said once you took a seat next to him.

"Sorry, I lost the track of time I was rehearsing" you explained, "I wouldn't miss the chance of talking to one of my favorite bassists, would I?"

"Am I one of your favorite bassists?" he smirked. You said that out loud without noticing.

"Yeah I mean..." A flustered look took over your face. One thing Calum thought was adorable "My friends and I were 5sos fans and you inspired us to actually go for this dream...our band before we found your music was just a hobby"

He nodded "Well I'm flattered. I'm glad we could inspire you guys somehow you have great covers and your few original songs are great too"

"Thank you" you smiled at his compliments "and thank you for that Instagram post a record label is actually interested in us and we are going to meet them in two days so..."

"No need to thank me" he shrugged "after all my band has a similar story"

You smiled at that "So how long have you been playing the bass?"

"Uhm since I was little...like 8 or 9 years old" you answered "My mom wanted me to play classical music and got me into piano lessons but I never really liked it and when my dad bought me my first bass for my birthday it was the moment I knew that was my thing"

You didn't notice the time until the small place was empty with only the two of you and the barista behind the counter.

"Do you want to continue this date at my house?" he asked "We can fangirl about each other a little more"

"Yeah, I'd like that"

The ride to his house was full of music and exchange of opinions in music, you had a lot in common and you were really enjoying his company you hadn't felt this way about a guy in a while you only hoped this would lead to a second date any time soon.

"Alright so you can use this bass" he gave you a black bass "I'm going to show you what I've been working on"

"Am I getting a 5sos sneak peek before anybody else?" he shook his head smiling and getting ready to show you the riff the had thought of.

"So what do you think?" he asked looking up to see your face.

"I think you can make it faster, I think it would sound better" you took the bass and started playing the exact same riff but faster surprising Calum.

"You just listened to the riff once and now you have it learned?"

"Yeah" you giggled "my mom she didn't want me to take bass lessons really keen on me being the best pianist in the whole world. I had to learn some riffs myself until my dad convinced her and I finally could take bass lessons"

After some advice exchange and rewrites in songs and ideas. Calum realized he was in love or at least that he was falling for you something that he thought was crazy and stupid given the fact this was your first date and hadn't met personally until a week before this. 

"Wow you're amazing" he gasped "maybe you can help with some of the ideas I have for the next album and I can help you too"

"That'd be great but I really have to go back home it's getting late" you excused yourself looking at the clock on the wall "maybe next week?"

"Next week it is" Calum smiled agreeing to the plan.

#5sos #5sos blurbs #5sos blurb #5sos fanfic #5sos fic #5sos imagine #5sos imagines #5sos x reader #calum hood #calum hood blurbs #calum hood blurb #calum hood imagine #calum hood imagines #calum hood x reader #My Writing Corner #angela is writing #calum hood fluff #5sos fluff

[unironicduncanstan]

the “Tangodeltaindia” blog explained,

aka my brain has cringe spots on it and needs to be inspected by the FDA

hi my names randi/uni and i created a total drama island themed ARG two months ago on a whim that almost no one interacted with bc i started off way too niche and difficult, so i kinda just went increasingly off the rails because i knew most likely no one was monitoring my posts and i could just make a real cursed hidden tomb that could one day be discovered by someone in a goonies esque unveiling. but then i got lice and now im sad and uncomfortable so i’m just gonna explain the entire damn thing in one shot. its absolutely batshit and theres a reason no one uncovered it ok here we go;;;

first of all the name. its so stupid but. ‘tango delta india’ = ‘tdi’ in the NATO phonetic alphabet. it just felt like a funny place to start that implies its gonna be a puzzle blog idk,

moving on to the actual content tho; some of the earlier posts mean p much nothing and were just an attempt to draw people in, such as the mr coconut ‘like if you agree’ or the ‘let him inside hes cold’ posts. 

then theres the cipher (x). it was posted shortly after the height of the ‘using total drama reference pictures to make an alphabet’ meme. in case anybody didnt see that; for a while it was a joke in the fandom to take the transparent references of total drama characters, and line them up, using them like hieroglyphics to make translatable pictures. its supposed to correspond to the alphabet, based on the first letter of their first name. an example could be, alejandro = a, bridgette = b, and so on. there was no solidly set alphabet amongst the fandom though, it was self explanatory most of the time so i made my own solid personal cipher key for that blog to make the whole thing easier.

NOW ONTO THE FIRST PUZZLE POST,,,, (x). theres a scene, a string of text, the cipher key, and a link to a decoder. the way to decode it all is to plug the characters on screen into the tangodeltaindia cipher key, and then plug That translation into the decoder website, and then finally paste in the text under the photo. 

the website linked is to a Caesar cipher decoder. the Caesar cipher is just a code where the alphabet is assigned to numbers (a=1, z=26), and to encode something with it you can move this pattern however you want as long as you keep the regular sequence of alphabet and numbers. so you could scootch over One letter, and “abc” would now say “bcd”. so on and so forth.

looking at the scene + my own total drama reference cipher, alejandro = A, and the beaver = 1, which gives A1. so you could now follow the link to the website, press ‘decode’, and paste in the text under the picture. the ‘shift’ in the middle is automatically set to ‘7′, or as it shows, a -> h, meaning ‘a’ has been moved over by 7 letters. so if you set the shift to just 1 over, or A1, now you can translate the text. it reads;

“lets start simple. after all, a trail of breadcrumbs begins with a loaf. whats the harm in another long winded fandom meme. another inside joke. and arent you curious whats truly lurking inside?”

edgy! simple! kinda just a test to see if people would do it or not. which they didnt so of course i tried to make it weirder-

puzzle 2; (x) using the exact same translation rules as above. we have alejandro and the snake, which with the tangodeltaindia cipher key means A6. going to the website, putting it in ‘decode’ mode, pasting in your text, and setting the shift to ‘6′ gives you this translation.

“in his eyes are an island. nothing but a dream, born out of going to bed angry. sink or swim.”

this was just hinting around at where the story was gonna go so it’ll make more sense later. something else to note; if you zoom all the way in and look into alejandros eye (’in his eyes’), you’ll see the word ‘Thera’. ~thats a surprise tool that will help us later~

so after this one, there are two non-puzzle posts that are also just hints (i was just tryna see if i could get people hyped), the first is a close up picture of chris with red eyes that simply says “those arent his eyes”, and then a post that says “his real names not chris :)”, they’re again referencing his eyes, and this time further implying theres something fake or wrong about them, or with chris as a person. again, it’ll be explained better later on.

moving on to puzzle 3 (x), another test to see if anyones keeping up (which also failed josdfjsdfkjs), using the same translation rules, dj = a dash or minus, and the snail = 5, “-5″, shift the letter ‘A’ BACK five instead of forward, and you get the simple translation of; “getting harder now.”

puzzle 4 and 5; at this point, there are two images posted within hours of each other that i’ll explain together as they line up. (x) (x)

These are some of the only ones that can be translated from just the tangodeltaindia key directly. They end up a string of numbers, which are latitude and longitude coordinates. The first post, labelled “the lie”, translates into “45.57394802102744, -81.46817207492494″. googling that will take you to maps and show you to a place called Lonely Island in Canada.

The second one, “the truth”, translates into “36.404663113177534, 25.39605673375295″, taking you to Santorini, Greece.

This is where the hints got really out there bc i realized nobody was following along but i still wanted to paint a picture. so this is the set up;;; the idea that the ‘island’ (camp wawanakwa) existing somewhere in canada, is a lie. the ‘true’ location being santorini isnt meant to be taken at face value though. the mythology behind santorini is that a man impregnated a goddess and to escape the wrath of her father (triton), she formed the island (santorini) by having her lover throw clay into the sea, and then she gave birth to her son, Theras, on this island, giving the island it’s Other nickname, Thera.

this is again just a vague implication that the island might not be real at all, or that it was formed through cosmic means.

the next two posts are more non-puzzle hints, the first showing the definition of the word ‘fresh’ (new), and the second being images of total drama backgrounds with no characters and the text reading “they were always empty.” more, admittedly very outlandish implications that the island is some kind of illusion, but again mostly just another try to drag people into the blog.

puzzle 6. (x) this one introduces a new concept to the regular translation rules, some of the characters are laying down. its kinda supposed to imply they’re “dead” and that you need to take their corresponding letters out of the alphabet given on the Caesar cipher page, below the shift. The upright characters translate to “-9″, so you shift ‘A’ back 9 letters. Then remove the letters; “TH-E-R-A-S”, and with those letters taken out, you can finally translate the text.

“he creates life solely to destroy it. to crush it in his hands. he births chaos so that he may have something to control. the power has given him madness. the isolation, arrogance. don't try to stop him, he's already chosen to be unstoppable. his mind is a perfectly crafted prison, one we will all soon be living in.”

this is where the story gets more on the nose. it’s talking about chris, and about him being an unstoppable cosmic force, a diety who can create worlds within his own mind, and he does so maliciously just for power. hes created the campers through mental energy just to torment them. it also hints that his plan is to expand the world of total drama island and engulf the whole universe.

puzzle 7. (x) same as the last puzzle. beaver and moose translate to ‘1-0′ or ten. the characters lying down to remove from the caesar cipher alphabet are “T-U-L-P-A”. this doesnt have anything to do with the modern way some ppl interact with tulpas but just the actual idea of creating thoughtforms, or willing your thoughts into real life creations, referencing how chris has created the entire island and everyone on it solely through his mind. with those letters removed and the shift set forward 10, you get this:

“his psychic power is unfathomable. the reality he bore was just a passing thought. an idea that became so dangerous. he predates the idea of a mind, the minds own ability to recognize itself, his synapses are paradoxically ancient. the island exists only within himself, to torment the souls hes created, and damned from the start. will they ever be free?”

it states that chris is more than a man or even just a diety, hes an all powerful god already, yet he craves more power. the final line, “will they ever be free” is in reference to the campers, which segways into the next arc;;; freeing the campers from chris’ psychic island imprisonment.

puzzle 8. (x) to solve this one you have to translate the top image with the tangodeltaindia cipher key, and add it to the text given, which creates a link. this leads to a PDF, a page from a book written by terence mckenna. he’s a famous ethnobotanist known best for his studies on DMT, the strongest hallucinogenic drug in the world, its also known as the spirit molecule. many people on this drug (without any prior knowledge of this phenomenon) will recount meeting strange fractal beings that can create things in the universe just by speaking them into existence, theyve come to be known as ‘machine elves’, a term coined by mckenna. ill show the most important excerpt from the page;

this is less about the psychedelic drug part and more about the words and ideas, like “punching a hole through a dimension so it pours through” and “if god didnt exist man would invent him”. its more worldbuilding towards chris’ power and cosmic abilities

then come 2 more clues. a picture of chris holding his own body captioned ‘ego death’, and the meaning behind the name ‘chris mcclean’. the latter is another “please look over here” post, but the first is another minor reference to the previous puzzles answer involving DMT and terence mckenna. ‘ego death’ is a term again used with strong psychedelic drugs, its the sensation that your spirit as you know it is literally Dying, and you are instead connected to and a part of everything around you. another reference to chris’ power and how he may look like a man but his body and spirit are connected to the world hes built in unfathomable ways. at this point im cementing the idea that chris mclean is not a mortal man and cannot be fought with mortal weapons

puzzle 9. (x) this one was an attempt to make easier to solve puzzles, and comes with a visual of chris looming over the island. the text is in wingdings, which can be translated through multiple websites found through google. it says;

“s︎o︎o︎n︎ h︎e︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ s︎l︎e︎e︎p.︎ h︎e︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ d︎r︎e︎a︎m︎ a︎ n︎e︎w︎ h︎e︎l︎l︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ b︎e︎ o︎u︎r︎ o︎n︎l︎y︎ c︎h︎a︎n︎c︎e︎,︎ t︎o︎ s︎a︎v︎e︎ h︎i︎s︎ c︎r︎e︎a︎t︎i︎o︎n︎s︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ f︎r︎e︎e︎ t︎h︎o︎s︎e︎ w︎h︎o︎ w︎e︎r︎e︎ n︎e︎v︎e︎r︎ d︎e︎s︎i︎g︎n︎e︎d︎ t︎o︎ b︎e︎ f︎r︎e︎e︎.︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎ m︎a︎y︎ c︎o︎m︎e︎ a︎t︎ a︎ c︎o︎s︎t︎.︎ t︎h︎e︎ n︎i︎g︎h︎t︎m︎a︎r︎e︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ e︎n︎d︎,︎ t︎h︎e︎ o︎u︎r︎o︎b︎o︎r︎o︎s︎ o︎f︎ h︎i︎s︎ s︎y︎n︎c︎o︎pe︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ c︎l︎o︎s︎e︎,︎ b︎u︎t︎ i︎t︎ m︎a︎y︎ t︎u︎r︎n︎ o︎u︎r︎ e︎f︎f︎o︎r︎t︎s︎ o︎f︎ s︎a︎l︎v︎a︎t︎i︎o︎n︎ t︎o︎ d︎u︎s︎t︎.︎ o︎u︎r︎ f︎i︎g︎h︎t︎ m︎i︎g︎h︎t︎ e︎n︎d︎ i︎n︎ s︎a︎c︎r︎i︎f︎i︎c︎e︎,︎ r︎e︎n︎d︎e︎r︎i︎n︎g︎ h︎i︎s︎ l︎a︎s︎t︎ i︎n︎v︎e︎n︎t︎i︎o︎n︎ b︎u︎t︎ a︎ c︎e︎a︎s︎e︎l︎e︎s︎s︎ v︎o︎i︎d︎.︎ w︎e︎ m︎a︎y︎ s︎e︎e︎ h︎o︎r︎r︎o︎r︎s︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ c︎a︎u︎s︎e︎ t︎h︎e︎ s︎t︎a︎r︎s︎ t︎o︎ s︎h︎u︎d︎d︎e︎r︎,︎ b︎u︎t︎ w︎e︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ t︎a︎ke︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎ c︎h︎a︎n︎c︎e︎.︎ w︎e︎ h︎a︎v︎e︎ n︎o︎t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎ t︎o︎ l︎o︎s︎e︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ a︎ w︎o︎r︎l︎d︎ o︎f︎ n︎o︎t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎n︎e︎s︎s︎ t︎o︎ e︎n︎d︎.︎ m︎a︎y︎ t︎h︎e︎ s︎e︎a︎ s︎w︎a︎l︎l︎o︎w︎ u︎p h︎i︎s︎ i︎s︎l︎a︎n︎d︎ o︎f︎ l︎i︎e︎s︎.︎ g︎o︎d︎ pr︎o︎t︎e︎c︎t︎ y︎o︎u︎.︎”

this is essentially saying that the island, the campers, werent all just created from his mind, but from his dreams. this confirms that he Sleeps, and claims hes going to sleep again soon, and during that time period theres a chance to kill him before he can dream up another world (or season) to control and torment. its also saying that theres a chance killing him will destroy the island and campers, but that its the only choice we would have to end the cycle. hey guys i am so bored and over the years i have been on every stimulant and anti depressant doctors are legally allowed to prescribe and its still just not quite there yet huh

puzzle 10. (x) the video, the title translates to “the island of his eye”. its just meant to encapsulate everything ive already been hinting around at but with real footage and some audios taken from the show, and again, it was me tryna make some lore that was easy to digest and also terrifying to an audience with no other context. the final images are the only new clues, if you pause fast enough you can barely make out the characters that (paired with the tangodeltaindia cipher key) would say “set them free”, and you can also see an aerial view of what is actually called “the eye of argentina”. it is a real island that rotates atop a swamp, it is geometrically perfect and no one really knows for sure why it rotates the way it does or how it was formed. this clue is simply related back to the idea that the island of wawanakwa’s location is not in canada, and that it does not function like a normal island.

puzzle 11. (x) what td blog is complete without a uquiz? anyways, it doesnt matter how you answer the quiz, theres only one possible result. the title is a link to a mega file, which is protected with a decryption key. the image attached to the result, when deciphered, is the randomly generated key to the unlock the file. the image you see from the file is this; (TW for mentions of self harm and eye trauma)

in case this is too hard to read ill transcribe what it says;

“How to escape the dream - accept that there is no dream to escape, and no you to escape it. - believe in it anyways. - sleep on your back. - cover your eyes. - hide a nail under the pillow. - wait for the ringing. - when you first see him, dont call his name. dont speak. - keep your eyes shut. - on the second night, ask where the camp is. he wont respond verbally. - on the third night, you’ll see his eyes. - on the fourth night, you’ll enter them. - you can’t turn back after the fifth night. - don’t try to hide your fears. he knows them before you arrive. - don’t shut your eyes for too long when it becomes too much. you risk losing them. - find chris mclean. - don’t stop till the nail is through the socket. - repeat on the other side. - repeat on yourself. - congratulations. they are free”

this is, believe it or not, an idea that comes from my very own sleep paralysis experiences. ive dealt with it a lot, so why not make a weird ritual thing for an arg based off it ig. so whenever i’d fall asleep on my back, i’d eventually hear this ringing in my ears (or it’d happen upon waking up), and then the sleep paralysis would begin. i only ‘saw’ stuff a couple times but the fear for me was really more about the overwhelming sensation of pure dread that always came along with it even when i was aware what was happening, and i Always got this feeling too that if i opened my eyes in that moment, something was gonna stab them.

so moving on to how that applies to the arg, the first few lines are about how, obviously, the island is not real, even in the lore being given its a figment of chris’ imagination, but you have to enter it anyways, and the only way to do that is to believe its real. then it tells you how to ‘enter’ that world, (btw i didn’t expect anyone to actually follow these instructions if found, but even if they did, the whole ‘sleep paralysis being caused by sleeping on your back’ thing usually only happens if you’re predisposed to having it and only happens to Some people who have it, so the intent was like. never to bring that upon anybody. but if you are prone to sleep paralysis plz do not attempt even as a joke or anything thx)

the parts about hallucinating chris then are as follows, “ask about the camp / he wont respond verbally” , meaning he will show you through a dream instead, one that might look a lot like the video from before. “on the third night you will see his eyes”, meaning you will see the island but not be able to interact with it, or basically, how we see total drama on tv right now. “on the fourth night you’ll enter (his eyes)” references the island existing ‘within his eyes’, meaning you will enter the actual island. the next night chris will sleep and you will be able to enter the island again and find him. the idea with the nail is that, if you destroy his eyes you destroy the ‘island’ within them. wrapping back around to sleep paralysis, the idea of stabbing yourself with the nail afterwards is because sometimes, the only thing you can move during sleep paralysis is your fingertips and toes, and wiggling those can help bring you out of the paralysis. so at first how i used to wake myself up, but it didnt usually work fast enough so oftentimes id just pinch the shit out of my fingers and use pain to make my muscles start up faster.

the next post is a link to a countdown. again, i knew nobody was rly following at this point, but i wanted a little more build up before just dropping the ending. it was set up to end 5 days after the last post, aka the one that mentioned a 5 night dream ritual.

puzzle 12. (x) going all the way back to the normal multi step translation puzzles. the coloring of the cipher is a bit different, and its missing chris, but its meant to be used the same as it was before, these changes are only for dramatic effect. and chris is gone because well. we mentally offed him in the inception dream land last time. so anyways the snake = 6, shift A to 6, take out the letters “R-I-C-K” of the characters laying in their graves, and you get this translation;

“its almost time. we must now crack open our minds like a crowbar to a sealed chest. like an egg to a pan. to find our way into camp wawanakwa our ego cannot remain intact, and to traverse it we must stay strong. to escape it, we must glue the pieces back together. now we sleep. dream. end the nightmare.”

this is a final message before ‘entering the island’ to kill chris and free the campers from the island. it acts like a pep talk.

the next post is just the countdown ending.

puzzle 13 (the finale). (x)

this post sends you to a new blog entirely, called @awakenfromthenightmare​. there is only one post on it. the post has another link to a mega file, and the link is attached onto a string of text. follow the link by clicking, then copy the text and paste it in as the decryption key. now you have another image to translate with the tangodeltaindia cipher;

when translated, the text is another link to a youtube video. 

 www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

so there you have it, that video is the ending to the entire arg. it didnt really end the way i wanted at first, i got burnt out from no engagement about halfway through which isnt anybody elses fault, but i still felt this was a well crafted and fitting finale. thank you all for reading.

#tw self harm ment./ // #tw eye trauma / // #tw unreality// // #tw drug ment/ // #long post/ // #like a mile long just look at the tws its a rabbit hol e

[phantomato]

Do you have any advice on how to end a fic? Specifically the very last line? I find that my fics almost always end with "I love you" or something asinine. Thank you!

This is a very good ask! Thank you, anon.

Fortunately for you, qualitative data analysis is kind of my thing, so I pulled all of the final paragraphs out of all of my fics, dropped them in a doc, and took notes. Here’s what I learned from 20 finished fics:

Final Paragraphs, Not Sentences

I usually end on a paragraph with more than one sentence. You don’t make clear whether there’s context surrounding “I love you,” but even when I finish on dialogue, I tend to have a dialogue tag and a sentence or two of action. Some of my fics have full-ass ending paragraphs, like 5 sentences of content to close it off. Only a fifth of my stories make a sentence stand on its own as the final line. I’ve gotten shorter over time, but we’re still talking a minimum of two sentences, sometimes two long sentences, for most stories. Give yourself more room to work, and take the pressure off of each individual word—spread the burden to more text. I feel like I’m going to be more successful at communicating the theme/mood/emotion I want if I’m giving myself 10+ words to do so.

Call to Future Action

Every ending I’ve written suggests an unbroken continuity into some future for that universe. Regardless of story tense—sometimes there’s an explicit shift to future tense, but often, it’s just the implication that the characters are looking ahead to something yet to come. I knew this about myself, but it was amazing to see my consistency in action! I don’t want my stories to feel like a perfect, neat little package. I want my characters to feel like they existed before we met them and will continue to exist after we leave them; I want you to be able to imagine what their lives look like after the fic is over, whether you’ve spent 2k or 100k words with them. Call forward! Highlight their hopes or dreams or just what they’ll be doing the next day.

I think there’s a definite temptation in HP fandom to do the flash-forward epilogue, since the series set that trend for us, but what I can dislike so much about epilogues is the sense that the author wants to provide finality: the couple had three kids and was happy forever, believe me, I wrote them. I should feel that from the mass of story that led up to this, I think. If I haven’t persuaded a reader that my ship has potential through the meat of the fic, an epilogue that tries to assert the characters’ happiness is already settled won’t win that reader over. By the last paragraph, you have made up your mind about my story, and I want my send-off to provide gentle, open-ended hope. You can apply that hope however you like; I’m not going to dictate your interpretation.

Don’t Forget Story Structure

The last paragraph of a story is rarely the emotional climax. I think back to my grade school English instructor drawing a bell curve on the board and labeling the rightmost tail “denouement,” but whatever does it for you—the end of the story resolves threads. The climax probably already happened, or if it’s just happening, there are almost definitely more questions that a reader wants answers for before we sign off. And you never have to answer everything for a reader! I love open endings—see above, my discussion of the future and hope. But I almost always budget the entire final chapter of a fic, sometimes the final two chapters, to bringing us back into a state of stability after the climax. (Or final scene, or final few paragraphs—the principle scales for the length of a fic.) Stable doesn’t mean unemotional, doesn’t correspond to filler, by the by. Stable means that I am not introducing new plots or conflicts, and I’m demonstrating that at least some of the longstanding arcs of the story have been resolved. The last line can’t resolve everything, and the last line probably shouldn’t introduce a new issue. (Unless the story is sequel bait, I suppose, which I haven’t written.)

Reinforce Themes

I’m ending on the most obvious one, I suppose! But, yes: my ending paragraphs tend to call back to the opening conflict of the story. If it’s a story about learning to communicate with a partner, I end on proof of good communication. If it’s a story about finding family, I give proof of family. If it’s a story about reclaiming one’s sexuality after trauma, I end on an orgasm. I usually write with a strong central theme and so I find that this comes naturally to me, but I think the principle could apply to whatever typically drives your stories. Callback to the title? Repetition of phrasing from the introduction? Showing what the characters accomplished in the course of the plot? IDK, man, but it’s nice to use the space to reiterate what you want a reader to remember.

And like, overall, I want to say that I barely remember the closing paragraphs/lines from my own fics, let alone those I read. It’s good to hit a strong note, of course, but mostly because I want to be proud of the story I’ve written, not because I think a final line is going to be the decision point for whether or not a reader likes a story. Your reader probably likes it, or doesn’t, long before they finish. Think about making it a satisfying finish for the people who already enjoy the world you’ve crafted, and trust in their agency as readers.

#ask

[captain-of-the-historicfuture]

~hello~ !! For the meta asks!: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, and 25 :))

Hello!! Thank you for sending these; I was really excited to see that ask game and I was hoping somebody would send some in. It still took me a while to actually answer them though, and for that I apologise. But without further ado! Some meta answers (under the cut because they ended up being fairly long, whoops):

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (Consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway.)

I thought of a few examples, but they could basically be grouped together under a common theme: whumpy/angsty scenes that were self-indulgent as all heck. The whole self-indulgent aspect often required the characters to be just the teeniest, tiniest bit OOC and/or necessitated rather unrealistic plot circumstances. So it was simply easier to keep such scenes as maladaptive daydreams, rather than trying to think of explanations for the character/plot issues…or exposing myself to judgement for them LOL.

Receiving permission to write/share one such scene anyway is an opportunity I can’t let slip by though. It might be because I’m writing this while running on zero (0) hours of sleep—let’s hear it for insomnia, y’all!—but I suddenly couldn’t remember any of my newer ideas under this category. However, I did recall a one-shot I had started writing a couple of months ago that sort of counts? “Sort of” because I could actually be arsed to write it since I was, ya know, writing it. Only got about six hundred words down though.

…should I share those six hundred words…?

………nahhh. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet.

But here’s the gist of it: Coulson and May (because of course it’s Philinda) were married for quite some time before the Attack on New York. But then Coulson DiedTM and then got ResurrectedTM. But gasp of horror, he had to lose his memories of his romantic relationship with May because reasons. (I actually did have some ideas for those reasons but sshhhh this is about me yeeting context and setup.)

The first half of S1 still happens as normal (except MayWard doesn’t happen because??? Vows) and it’s now post-E20 “Nothing Personal”. The morning after (or a morning soon after, whatever) the T.A.H.I.T.I. reveal! May’s mom—who doesn’t know about GH.325 and whom May fed a cover story about Coulson divorcing her or something equally as oof, IDK—shows up at the hotel and starts ripping into Coulson for breaking her daughter’s heart, then dragging her back into the field with her ex-husband (him), then accusing her of terrible things and forcing her away again.

Poor guy’s confused as heck, and so is the team, and soon enough so is Lian. The only one who understands what’s going on is May, and she’s freaking dying off to the side like why is this happening to me and eventually everybody’s like! Explain??? (Was thinking about including something from Coulson like, “Are you still keeping things from me?” Just for that extra smidge of angst, yay!)

So yeah then May gives a, like, two-sentence debriefing that elicits more questions than answers. Coulson decides to take May aside and they have a heart-to-heart. Lots of feelings and angst and hurt/comfort and at some point plenty of kissing too. Just! May hiding her feelings for Coulson’s sake but really magnified, plus some actual apologies and consideration of the grief May’s been through on Coulson’s part.

And uhh yeah that’s basically it I dunno hdsjncjshd. I warned y’all it’s OOC, plot-bendy, and very self-indulgent!

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

I don’t think I could name a single character for this. I get different things out of taking on different voices, you know? I guess recently I’ve found myself gravitating towards more taciturn and introspective points of view, like JQ from my original novel Rosewood or M. Yisbon from my…other original novel Temple.

Generally, however, I like tackling stories from an outsider’s perspective. That’s why I so rarely write my more “substantial” (serious? demanding? for lack of better words?) projects from the PoV of my “preferred” character. This usually means writing from their love interest’s perspective, but not always. With shorter fanfic, using a more removed/unconventional/niche PoV can be really fun. Like, I once wrote a canon compliant ficlet purely(-ish) about Philinda from Tony Stark’s perspective. That isn’t always sustainable with stories that demand more character development or closer character studies, however, which is why it’s a good thing I like writing drabbles!

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

My word counts tend to run long, but I usually only write one-shots for fanfic. If I’m even inspired with a novella- or novel-length story idea for a fandom, you already know I’m in deep with them. And if I actually find the motivation to plan and execute that idea? Dangg. That’s only ever happened…twice, maybe thrice, and I’m in a lot of fandoms.

At times, I wish I could go for more of a middle ground ’cause, like, you know what I love to see? An AO3 dashboard with several completed novellas for my ship/character of choice. I mean yes, I hecking love >90k fics, but sometimes I’m in the mood for quick reads…and what am I supposed to do when I burn through all the drabbles and 2k one-shots? (Besides despair and/or reread my faves desperately.) Novellas are basically always safe for me LOL, and I’d hope to be able to give as much as I take.

Ultimately though, I think I’m okay with where I am with regards to that. I wish I could write more in general, but I’d be okay with “writing more” just meaning “writing more one-shots”, ya know? More than okay, really. I have mad respect for fic writers who have, like, a hundred or more one-shots under their belt for this one ship. The fandom ecosystem would be incomplete without them (as well as every other type of writer, but sshhh that’s the type of writer I’m closest to being right now).

I’m definitely a plotter, and I definitely prefer it that way. It’s cool having such a detailed record of my process. I like feeling like a frazzled genius on the brink of a major discovery with all of my different outlines and colour coding and many drafts and various websites.

12. Do you want your writing to be famous?

Not exactly. It might be cool if my original works were recognisable in the world, but I don’t think I’d want to be recognisable. As for fanfic, I’d low-key enjoy gaining a place in that fandom’s community as a fic writer. Like someone who gave and got fic gifts from fic writer friends, who participated in challenges and GCs, who received writing prompts on Tumblr, whose name was known for doing a certain trope/genre a bunch of times… Ya know what I mean?

Unlikely to happen when I’m so hecking hesitant to publicly (i.e., outside of AO3) claim credit for my writing, but fjnskfsjhfjs. A writer can dream, right?

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Of those three, tags are the easiest for me, for I have a reliable system for figuring out those.

Next easiest would probably be titles. For fanfiction, I like to use titles that are a quote from the source material. You should have seen all of my old Hamilton fanfic… I was really proud of some of those titles. And I don’t mean, like, whole lines—usually only two to five words. It’s a unique type of wordplay that I just love dabbling in.

And lastly, summaries. Sometimes inspiration strikes me and a snappy and intriguing synopsis just jumps out—one that I’m quietly pleased with—but most of the time I’ll spend way too long trying to think of such a synopsis and eventually just go with whatever I’d come up with so far. And live with my quiet dissatisfaction for the rest of time.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (Plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations...?) Tell us about them!

Typically, no. If I have deleted scenes, I save and publish them separately, but that’s about it. I sometimes think of AUs for my own work and might talk about them in my author’s notes—might even talk about writing them—but I never really do anything with them.

Although…

It’s not uncommon for me to decide a plotline isn’t working for a certain story or to think of an interesting but undoable arc for a certain character, but what I’ll do is make a whole new story for those ideas. Once I’m done developing the original idea and the branched-off one, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell they grew from the same roots. Does that count?

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as (film, webcomic, animated series, etc.)?

That depends on the story. I’ve actually written stories in other mediums—movie screenplay, musical stageplay, poetry, TV show scripts, play scripts, roleplay—but the novel does tend to be my comfort zone. Sometimes, if I have an idea that I think could work, or would even work better, as another medium, I’ll label it as such in my folder of ideas and decide not to write it as a novel.

Most of the time, my non-book projects are collaborations. I’m working with five different people on six different story ideas: two webcomics, one stage musical, one anime, and two animated TV shows. Little concrete progress has been made in any of those, mind you, but they’re still fun to discuss!

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Absolutely. But I’ve been writing stories since I was five years old, so we would hope so, huh?

I wouldn’t say my writing’s changed completely, though maybe that’s just my insider’s perspective.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Oh gosh, I can’t believe you’d make me choose. Writing is just such a wonderful experience for me; I love just about everything to do with it. Admittedly, not all the time, but. Since that barely qualifies as an answer, however, I’ll give you this—

The endings. Not only that intense feeling of rightness when you wrap up that last sentence, but also the moments before. The adrenaline of knowing you’re almost there but you gotta push just a bit more to actually get there. And also the part right after—the real wrap-up, honestly: the revision and the editing. Heavens, I love revising and editing my work.

Which is not to say I don’t like writing it out for the first time, too—there’s nothing quite like seeing your cursor scroll to the next page, like going from a blank expanse to a Oh man, how many more lines are even going to fit on this page?, like watching that page counter tick up another number. However, there’s something cathartic about finally ironing out those problems I had to force myself to stop worrying about earlier because “just finish the first draft dangit”.

I guess that’s not really the end of the writing process, but whatever. Close enough (as fic writers are wont to say).

Another thank-you for these asks, and feel free to come back with more at any time! ;P

Send in fun meta asks for your friendly neighbourhood writer!

#thou canst not then be false to any man #ask game #invictusmaneo #to write and read comes by nature

[hawkbucks]

16. the one where anything written on your skin appears on your soulmate's skin as well. I just imagine MIT tony falling asleep and rhodey drawing a dick on his face which also appears on Bucky aka the winter soldier one of the most deadly Assassins

This really got away from me. Somewhat angsty? Idk hgjfkdls I go from talking about a dick on Bucky’s face to… well, a certain date. It sorta ends happy.

The Asset stares blankly at the concrete wall in front of him, shoulders stiff and knuckles turning white as he grips the edge of the steel slab they have the audacity to call a bed. He breathes in and out, in and out, long, deep lungfuls of air. The taste of ice still lingers on his tongue, and there’s a chill in his bones that aches.

His Handler circles around him, hands clasped behind their back as they relay the details of his mission. “Do you understand?” they ask, snappish, barely glancing at him out of the corners of their eyes. He isn’t important enough for direct eye contact; he’s learned that a long time ago.

Before he can respond, his Handler does a double-take, looking at him with widening eyes. “What,” they start, “in the fuck is that.”

He makes no noise as they hoist him up and drag him in front of a stained mirror, their clipped fingernails digging into the flesh of his right bicep. Right in the middle of his forehead is a rather… phallic looking symbol drawn in black marker. Still dazed, he looks confusedly at his Handler, unsure if this is some sort of test.

An irritated growl rips itself from his Handler’s throat before he finds himself being shoved back into his cryostasis chamber. Before he slips back into the darkness, he picks up bits and pieces of harshly spoken Russian. Something to do with a “soulmate”? Whatever it is, he’s sure that he won’t be woken up again until that problem is solved.

Thankfully, the next time he’s up to bat, there are no phallic symbols drawn anywhere on his body. In fact, nothing appears on his skin the entire time his Handler gives him information on another mission. He’s noticed, though, that the once-clean concrete wall is now stained with mottled red, greens, and blacks. The light in the back right of the room–which flickered the last time he was here–now seems to have been ripped out, if the copper wires dangling from its previously occupied hole in the ceiling is any indication.

He can’t help but to wonder if they remember what happened last time. Or maybe they do, and they’re just desperate. It’s not like he’s going to ask; that’s a quick way for him to get disciplined for speaking out of turn.  

A manila folder is pressed into his hands. He understands what he has to do.

He sits on a rather uncomfortable plastic chair behind the counter in a convenience store. The actual cashier is conked out in the backroom, their name tag currently decorating the front of his shirt. A cheesy pop song blares from the radio sitting on a black table behind him, of which the audio quality is not the greatest.

There’s really nothing to be done as he waits for his target to come in, besides reading a battered pile of magazines sitting in a cardboard box by his feet. The top one doesn’t even seem socially acceptable to be read in public. He absentmindedly drums his fingers on the surface of the counter along with the beat of the song, reading the far away labels of Doritos bags and Red Bull cans. Out of all the places for his target to frequent…

As he studies a mole on the heel of his palm, blocky–yet elegant–writing starts to form across its surface.

Call Jan – need help for lab tmrw

His brows knit together, and he clenches and unclenches his fist, watching as the words roll and crinkle on his skin. If he sees what they write on their skin, could they see what he writes on his? Curiosity bubbles up in him like a volcano waiting to explode.

Biting his bottom lip, he reaches for a ballpoint pen sitting on the edge of the counter. He presses the cool tip against his wrist and writes. Hello. His letters are lopsided and decidedly ugly compared to the other’s, but at least it’s legible. He hopes.

Holy shit, is hastily scribbled below his greeting. All these years, and now you answer?

Yes. Sorry.

You should be! I’ve been sending you messages ever since I knew what a soulmate was, but you never wrote back! I just assumed I didn’t have one.

Something like guilt stirs at the bottom of his stomach, but his attention is drawn to that word: Soulmate?

For the next few minutes, no new words appear. He’s on the verge of giving up and scrubbing away the pen ink on his wrist before he gets a reply. You aren’t joking.

Why would I be?

I don’t know. To screw with me or something? Have you been living under a rock?

Kinda. That’s close enough to the truth.

Yeah, you must have been if you haven’t replied to my messages for the past 9 years. What’s your name?

He frowns. It changes. One day he’s Nicholai and the other he’s David. He’s been called Matthieu and he’s been called Sebastian. He doesn’t have a true, solid name. Then, one pops in his head. One that feels vaguely familiar, comforting in a way that he can’t put a finger on. James.

Cool. My best friend is named James, too. My name is Anthony, but you can call me Tony.

Hello, Tony.

Hi, James! A small smiley face appears next to the exclamation point.

The bell above the door rings, bringing him back to reality. He snaps his head up, recognizing his target’s face from the dossier. I have to go now, Tony, but I’ll talk to you soon.

He doesn’t get to see Tony’s reply before he throws the pen with devastating accuracy.

By the time he was finished dispatching his target, Tony’s messages have all disappeared. He feels a twinge of disappointment in his chest when he realizes that he never got to see what Tony said after he bid him farewell, and only God knows how long it’ll be before he’s taken back out.

He scrubs any and all traces of the ink off of his arm, not wanting his Handler to demand an explanation should they see even a faint mark. If he were to mention this soulmate of his… well, he has no doubt that what they would put him through would make him wish he never even picked up that pen.

Throwing the pen into the cardboard box from earlier, he makes his way out of the store with no more than a passing glance at the now bloodied floor.

The walls are stainless steel now, not concrete, and the lights are all a harsh white that wash the room in its fluorescence. His Handler is different–younger and crueler in the way the corners of their mouth turn up.

Instead of a folder, he’s handed some black device, molded perfectly to fit in his ear. They motion at him to put it on. With shaky hands, he does.

A voice booms in his ear, much too loud for how sensitive his senses are, but he manages to keep his face schooled. He grits his teeth, jaw clenching. His Handler looks him straight in the eye. “You keep this on you at all times, do you understand?” He realizes right then that it’s their voice that he’s hearing.

He nods stiffly, glaring up at them.  

They grin, looking almost wolf-like. “Good.”

He stops by a convenience store like the one before to buy himself a couple of granola bars and energy drinks. If this mission is going to go the way he thinks it’s going to go, he’s going to be camping at that place for a while, and what his Handler packed for him can barely be considered food.

His Handler also doesn’t seem to keep that close of an eye on their wallet.

“I know you took some money,” they say, although they don’t sound that annoyed.

He rolls his eyes, picking up a small bag of chips. He can’t exactly reply, not without a microphone. As he walks to the checkout, a pack of pens catches his eye.

Without hesitation, adds it to his basket.

Hello, Tony, he writes over his pulsepoint, sitting in a tree next to a craggly, old street. Underneath him lies a motorcycle, covered up by the bushes. The night sky above him is a gradient of hazy blues and blacks, with the only light being provided by the flashlight he has pinned to the front of his vest.

Asshole, is all he gets back. You and I have a very different definition of “soon.”

I’m sorry.

It’s been 2 years, James. He sucks in a breath. 2 years? He’s sure that he’s been out for longer than that before, but when put it in the perspective of someone who doesn’t know who he is… Where have you been?

My job is very demanding. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the truth either.  

What are you? The President of some foreign country?

No.

A spy? An assassin? A soldier?

I can’t tell you.

Great, that means you’re some sort of super secret government spy. Don’t worry, I won’t tell. Can you at least tell me how old you are? I didn’t get to ask you that last time.

Using the bottom of the pen, he scratches at his temple. His age? Like his name, it fluctuates, but he settles on a number that feels right. 26.

Oh. You’re only 5 years older than me. Thank god, I thought you were like… 45.

5 years. So, Tony’s 21? I’m not.

Yeah, I know that now… so, how are you?

I’m bored. Waiting.

For what?

It’s for my job.

…Okay. I’m kind of waiting, too.

For what?

My parents. They’re out somewhere, and I wanted to surprise them.

We can talk. It’ll be less boring.

Tony draws another smiley face. Okay!

From their chat, he learns that Tony is wicked smart. He attended M.I.T, made a functioning robot, and obtained 2 master’s degrees before he was even able to drink. His best friend is in the Air Force, and he has this butler he loves like a father. He likes shrimp carbonara and refuses to touch green beans unless they’re shoved down his throat. Tony, he concludes, is utterly fascinating, and he makes that clear in all the sentences he writes back.

What about you? Tony writes after going on a paragraph-long rant about some movie series called Star Wars. (They both had to wait for some messages to disappear lest they start taking off their pants for more writing space.)

What do you mean?

Do you like Star Wars?

I’ve never watched it.

Tony’s next response takes up a good chunk of his arm: BLASPHEMY!

Can you give me your number? We need to arrange a meetup, and it gets exhausting to write.

His hand freezes. Number? I don’t have one.

A few seconds pass. Then: You can’t be serious, James.

I’m being serious.

Yeah. You’re the same guy who didn’t know what a soulmate was. I believe you.

Thank you.

You know what you can do? I’ll give you an address. You in New York?

Yes.

Good. What’s your last name?

God, he really wishes Tony would stop asking these kinds of questions. He settles on the first one that pops in his head. Barnes.

Okay. Go here–an address is scribbled across the crook of his elbow–say your name is James Barnes, and ask for Tony.

Tony what?

Tony Stark.

He drops his pen. Stark. There’s no way. Except that his Handler gave him all of the information on his target, including the fact that they have a son named Anthony, but he preferred to be called Tony. Anthony’s birth date matches up with his Tony’s age. Anthony went to M.I.T, too. Anthony reported having made contact with his soulmate 2 years ago, having previously thought he had none.

In the distance, he hears the purring of a car’s engine.

He switches off his flashlight and jumps down.

James, are you there? appears on his right palm as he smashes Howard Stark’s face in. You didn’t even say bye. Kinda rude.

He finds himself scrubbing away all evidence of conversation on his arm again, this time using boiling hot water and going until his skin is pink and raw.

Back in the base, his Handler grabs at his forearm, gripping him so tightly that the skin around their hand turns a pale white. “We know you’ve been writing to someone,” they whisper, low and dangerous. “Stop. Now.”

He nods.

My parents are dead, is scribbled over the middle of his right forearm. The glass in front of him fogs up with ice. If you’re there, I really need to talk to someone right now.

James?

Where are you?

I thought we were going to watch Star Wars together. I’ve asked, and no one’s said that you’ve visited, and I told everyone that you pretty much get priority. There are only two James Barnes that I know of: you and Captain America’s old war buddy. Were you named after him?

I liked talking to you. You can’t just pull another 2 years on me. First time I didn’t mind that much, because we didn’t really know each other, and I didn’t want to seem clingy, but I really like you, James.

It gets hard to ignore. There’s a tugging sensation in his gut every time he allows one of Tony’s messages to go unanswered. He manages to shake off the tail he has on his next mission. They must’ve assigned a more inexperienced person. Who knew they were accepting amateurs these days?

He swipes a pen from an office supply store. Hello, Tony.

You. It’s amazing how such a short word can hold so much bitterness.

I’m sorry.

What the fuck is up with you?

Has it been that long? Sure, the world seems far more technologically advanced than it did when he talked to Tony a 2nd time, but he figures it can’t be more than 8, 10 years.

It’s been 30 fucking years, James. Oh.

…I’m really sorry.

Don’t be. But he feels like he should be. Listen, I can’t write that much right now. I’m on my way to Afghanistan for a demonstration. We can try again later. Bye.

Bye. I’m sorry, again.

Sure.

TONY STARK: MISSING?

Three months later, and, for some reason, he’s still out in the field. Something his Handler–another new one–said about another target having cropped up during the tail end of his original mission.

Don’t tell me you haven’t seen the news.

Quickly, he dips into a store along the street and asks to use their bathroom. He fishes the very same pen he took from the supply store out of his jacket pocket. I have. Are you okay?

I’ve been better.

As long as–he’s cut off by Tony’s writing overlapping his own. Where are you?

In a bathroom, which is inside a store.

Smartass. Where’s the store? Give me the address.

Why?

I’m coming to see you. Right now.

What if I’m on the other side of the country?

I have a private jet… of sorts.

But by the time you arrive, I won’t be in that store anymore.

Just give me the goddamn address.

So he does. Meet me inside.

As he rifles through a rack of leather jackets that cost an obscene amount of money, he feels a tap on his shoulder.

He whirls around quickly, eyes flaring, before he comes face to face with the most expensive-looking man he’s ever seen. They don’t seem the type to be working with his, er, employers, and with that sling around their arm, he doubts they could do much damage to him. So, he relaxes. Just a little.

“Are you James?” they ask. “Please be James. I’ve asked at least 4 other guys already and they’ve all looked at me weird.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“It’s me. Tony.”

WOO, I ACTUALLY MADE THEM MEET AT THE END. I was actually going to end it right after Tony leaves for Afghanistan, but I decided to let them meet ‘cause y’all deserve that after the last fill.

Tony still doesn’t know James killed his parents. He doesn’t know James is the Winter Soldier. But I had to stop or else this really would’ve… turned into its own monster.

Thank you for reading!

#old posts #filled #anon

[whenallelsefails-eatpie]

Finally Answering Questions for y’all

Q1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

I used to wish I was taller because I already am tall for an (AGAB)female (5′8 1/2) but then I learned about platforms so. 

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

Monkey Ball or Sonic Adventure Escape the City...I only had a Gamecube.

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Warning: Uses humor as a defense mechanism but will quickly become extremely invested in you  and give you immense amounts of unending love if they vibe w you

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

Melancholic

9: Are you ticklish?

extremely, on my back and sides (use this information wisely. I take no responsibility for involuntarily punching anyone who tickles me)

10: Are you allergic to anything?

absolutely nothing, allergies are to weed out the weak. (jkjk no eugenics here sis you slay that epipen)

11: What’s your sexuality?

~ pansexual  ~ (prefer agab [not cis, those are two different things] females)

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

tea, then coffee with cocoa. I don’t enjoy cocoa or coffee as much separately.

37: What is your eye color?

hazel/green 

38: Introvert or extrovert?

I’m ambiverted but lean toward introversion. 

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

oh yeah absolutely, I personally just prefer that the tattoos aren’t on your face.  Or with piercings that they don’t take up so much of your face that I can’t see what you really look like.

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

pink, red, or platinum 56: Something that calms you down?

reading, playing instruments, taking a bath, cooking or baking

57: Have any mental disorders?

yessir. ADD, anxiety. and I used to have really bad depression. Now my depression is simply manageable lol. 

73: What is your MBTI type?

INFP (enneagram 4)

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

surprisingly yes, will I come close to passing out? Maybe. But I can.

87: Do your socks always match?

never, I hate matching my socks unless the socks are funky and need to match to give them the biggest bang for their buck. 

92: A store you hate?

Dick’s sporting goods. I have been dragged around that place for hours and absolutely nothing there interests me. (edit: I found a beanie that I liked but my previous opinion still stands)

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

start counting and never stop. If you mean in terms of actual measurements like cups/ounces, I can drink 20. What can I say I’m from New England.

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

Definitely fly because that might help lessen my fear of heights

95: Do you like to wear camo?

literally shoot me if you ever see me wearing camo. please, I beg you. that will be me at my lowest point 

96: Winter or summer?

Autumn. Next question.

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

3-4 minutes. It’s all that breath control from musical theatre.

99: Someone you look up to:

Jughead Jones. Yes I said that, fight me. He is completely himself and he allows the different facets of his personality to shine through to people that he loves and cares about. He is loyal and caring but also unique and resilient. Plus his fave food is burgers which is an instant win for me.

100: A store you love?

Hot Topic, Barnes and Nobles, Savers or any thriftstore 

102: Where do you live?

New England bb (; gettin that dark academia aesthetic straight from the source

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

Amber

105: Do you drink milk?

You mean out of the glass? Like a psychopath? Like a serial killer? Absolutely not

106: Do you like bugs?

I do! Except for spiders and mosquitoes (although I’m warming up to spiders)

109: Can you draw:

Eh yeah ig, well enough. I draw realistically but I’m not great at animated style. 

111: A question you hate being asked?

“Are you a boy or a girl?” (like why? does it personally affect you? are you planning on boning me? if not then buzz off)

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

Yes, but only at night when the beach is quiet. I’m not a huge fan of the beach during the day

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

Rainy or sunny. Don’t go givin me the clouds with none of the drizzle.

119: Favorite thing about a person: 

Personality first and foremost. Humor and kindness. But physically; their smile and mannerisms. 

120: Fruits or vegetables?

Veggies (or berries i like berries)

121: Something you want to do right now:

Run away... ahah. But in all honesty I would love to go mushroom foraging rn, or possibly go on an adventure. Maybe go put on clothing meant for an entirely different time period and run around Target idk.

123: Sweet or sour foods?

Definitely not sour I hate sour. Spoonfeed me wasabi, that I can handle. But if you make me eat a Warheads I will cry. 

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

I personally have a lot of problems with the funeral industry, so I would rather not take up space and rot preservation chemicals into the earth. But if I had an interim tombstone with no body underneath, it would read “Live Laugh Love” bc ~irony~

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

that I’m very individualistic and stubborn

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

Yes absolutely, that’s what they’re there for.

134: Do you like roller coasters?

Do I like feeling like I’m about to full send through the crust of the earth and die? No. No I do not. (I am a simple person, I go to carnivals for the food and to feed off terror.) 139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

Cookie

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

OH YEAH absolutely, I am a repressed gen z homosexual raised in a homophobic religious atmosphere, I am practically born with a therapist assigned to me.

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

Definitely good -_- unfortunately. Catch me bein the mom friend.

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

I prefer giving, but I am learning how to recieve. 

144: What makes you angry

People who live their lives in willful ignorance despite the endless resources available to them and let that ignorance hurt others.

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

All of em. Gimme em all. I don’t like boys as much currently but I would still probably lay my life on the line for some. 

147: Are you androgynous?

Yes. It’s more fluid than it is being in consistent limbo between masc and femme. Usually I’m androgynous but I often swing wildly between both ends of that socially perceived spectrum. 148: Favorite thing about yourself physically?

My hands or smile(product of bracesTM). But I have been told I have nice hands. 

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

I am a very strong blend of wise and class clown. I can do em both, I can do em well, and I can do em whenever. I also care a lot about others but I don’t change myself to be accepted by them. 

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

MLK Jr. --> I want to gain perspective on some of the current global issues. Jesus --> I’ve got a lot of questions for that dude. JRR Tolkien bc he’s incredible or Joan of Arc for the same reason

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

Ooh well, as a woman not many eras are desirable. But um probably either the 70s or Ancient Greece

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

YES. GIMME UR FINGERS > i meant that to sound much less threatening than it did but my statement still stands. 155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

Yes it’s literally one of my favorite things to do. I hab empty lap. *pat pat* U may lay your head on it and watch Rilakkuma and Kaoru with me while I play with your hair. pls. 157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

Women..... That’s it. That’s the tweet.

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

That I am not a member of the alphabet mafia. (It’s not currently safe for me to come out) Now tell me *shines light in your face* who are your contacts?

164: Do you have long or short hair?

I have medium hair. It’s around the length of a bisexual bob or a good mullet. 

165: Shortest/Longest your hair has ever been:

Shortest was a pixie cut, almost buzzed, amazing. Longest was to my butt and was literally the worst experience in existence. I shall to this day actively rebel against having hair like that again. 

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion?

Organized religion can suck it. You can’t organize your relationship with God, nor can you stick it into a little manmade box and pretend that you have the ability to create a perfect faith which others have to either follow or perish. It’s arrogant and damaging and hurtful and not at all what Christianity is supposed to mean. 

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

I do. I think it’s important and something we need to think about. I do believe there is something after death, and I like to believe that my life has meaning. I think that questions of creation are important questions to ask and we can’t just ignore them.

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

Yes! It’s fun! Pretty colors!

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

Absolutely. And the ones I didn’t feel like answering I simply omitted.

#chaotic good #Q&A #I learned more about myself writing this #than you probably did reading it #pls feel free to continue asking questions #i probably have too many answers #i heard oversharing on the internet is #cool

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

#advice asks #race #gender #dysmorphia #dysphoria #therapy talk tw #dbt resources #gender resources #ask to tag #Anonymous

[tvshowfreak]

Thank you so much for translating the part where she talked about joana😊😊 are there any other important parts in the video that us aka non Spanish speakers need to know? Like cris talking about how she realized she was bi or idk, something else

Hey sweets, it’s @croanaexiste on insta who translated the whole section so kuddos to her, I don’t speak spanish well enough to give a complete accurate translation, I just get the general idea of the sentence most of the time 😂

I can try to give you basically the break down of the things they talked about but for a full and accurate translation we’re gonna have to wait for fluent spanish speaker angels.

They start the interview by talking about Skam’s popularity and what it was like to go from being anonymous to having people from all around the world talking to her. 

Then he asked what it feels like to be chosen to be a main character of a season, she said it’s an honor, that it’s amazing to have such huge visibility, for bisexuality, relationships between girls and mental illness, and because it’s so necessary to talk about these important subjects.

Then they talk about bisexuality and how it’s not a sexuality that is represented or showed much on spanish tv. She talks about how rare it is to have two central characters of a show be two women in love, and that on top of that are both bisexual because usually bisexuality is completely absent. 

Then she talks about the amazing impact of the show, how she got messages from people who were able to come out to their friends and family or even feel better about their sexuality because of the show. 

Then they talk about Cris’s character as a party girl who hides things from her parents, and something nowadays generations staying at home - I’m sorry I didn’t quite understood that part 😂

Then they talk about the scene Lucas finds out about Cris and Joana at the party, and how beautiful was that scene and how important it was for those two characters to have a connection. They talk about how they went further with Lucas’s storyline by giving him a youtube channel and showing awareness on his instagram posts and how important it is. Irene adds that giving Lucas a youtube channel was also a way to give more space to his character because it’s an important one, and that he was also important to put light on how different it is for bisexual girls for example and gay guys, in how people perceive them or recognize them in the street, she was referencing to Lucas getting harassed I presume. And how important it was to show the solidarity I think (sorry I couldn’t understand the specifics).

Then there’s a whole part in which they talk about parties again, but I honestly couldn’t understand anything 😂😂

Then they talk about Croana, that part that was translated 😊

Then they talk about whether or not she thinks Cris knew she was attracted to women before Joana. Irene says that no, and that when she met Joana and felt how she felt she didn’t realize it because she thought it was an effect of the ecstasy and she had so much to think about with the pills and the fight - so she confused everything, and it’s only maybe a couple of days later that she really realized what she felt for Joana.

Then they talk about the subject of BPD, of why they chose to change the original illness which was bipolarity in the og. Irene explains that BPD is apparently a lot more common in women and that it’s often diagnosed during the teenage years, and that they saw it as an opportunity to shine light on a mental illness that is very unknown. She said that herself didn’t know BPD existed before the show, and that since then she talked with so many people who have BPD and that it’s really nice for them to be represented. She says that they talked to psychologists, and between themselves so they could help Tamara represent it the best way possible without dramatizing it or making it just extra drama to the drama. They wanted to do it in the most normal and sane way possible.

Then they talk about Cris having to deal with such important matters at a young age and how it took her time to understand and make choice concerning her relationship with Joana. Irene explains that Cris is 17, she’s got a lot on her plate with school, being a teenager which is a pain in the ass (her words 😂) and on top she discovers that she’s bisexual and that her girlfriend has a mental illness, and that it’s a lot to handle, especially when you don’t know anything about the MI. And that you don’t know that things can be easier if you’re informed, if it’s treated well, and that, like Viri says, it shouldn’t have more importance or be more difficult than to be with someone who has diabetes. She think that Cris’s reaction was normal because she needed to think and wrap her head around everything and be sure that she would be able to handle it. Then she says something about being happy with Joana 😂

Then they talk some more about how badly mental illnesses are shown sometimes, like it’s just people being crazy.

Then they talk about the importance of the friendships in the show, the solidarity between the girls of the squad. Irene says that they wanted to make a show very feminine and feminist and that’s why the show is focused on a group of five girl friends. And that it was important to show the solidarity between women, and between friends - especially because friends are such an important part of your life at that age. The interviewer talks about how cool it is also that the group are outsiders and Irene agrees.

Then he asks about what’s going on with Ruben (lol who cares) and Irene laughs her ass off because indeed, who cares 😂 And she says that Joana was there so what was Cris supposed to do, and that he’s a good guy and she hopes he’s happy 😂😂The interviewer talks about the pills and the money and Irene is like well Cris is happy with her girlfriend now so let’s not bring that up again 😂

Then they talk about Amira and how nice and interesting it was to have a little bit more light on muslim culture. Irene says that Cris and Amira have been friends since kindergarten or middle school and that’s why it was so important for Amira to be a central pillar this season, because she has a big place in Cris’s life. Then Irene starts laughing and says that we’ve seen a little bit of Amira’s culture but that there’s a lot more and it would take an Amira season to really explore it. Of course the interviewer jumps on that and asks if it’s a subtle way to say next season is about Amira and of course Irene says she knows nothing, that she’s just saying 😂

Then they talk about a clip that we should petition for, I think a video of all the actors together, and Irene said she would propose it, I’m not sure I’m sorry i didn’t understand that part.

Then he asks how is the cast and crew are getting along - Irene starts laughing (🌚) while looking on the side, she can’t stop and the interviewer says that Nicole Wallace is there off camera and that they’re laughing together. Then Irene answers that everyone gets along very well, that they now form a small family and that it’s really nice to work with people that are so professional and so sweet. 

Then he asks in what capacity can the actors modify or give their input in the scripts and dialogues. She says they can but at the same time they can’t 😂They can modify the dialogue a bit if the way it’s written sounds off for their character and they think it should be said another way, she says it’s important so that Skam can be the closest to reality possible. 

Then they talk about when Cris comes out as bisexual and that there was a bit of controversy around the pansexual comment in the dialogue. Irene gets real nervous all the sudden 😂 She explains that for her personally, as Irene, she thinks the term pansexuality shouldn’t exist, because in a way it’s biphobic because it implies that bisexuals aren’t open to being with people who are trans for example. He keeps talking about how it brings up the fact that there’s a lack of knowledge of what all the sexualities and labels mean. She says that “there are made up sexualities”, and that it’s not necessary to keep adding more and more labels because it confuses young people, and they have trouble knowing what to identify as, just like Cris who had trouble finding her “label” because there was too many. That’s a rough summary, cause she says a lot of things.

After that she starts breathing again 😂

Then the interview is almost over and her asks how it felt to be the main character of a season. She says it was amazing for the most part, but that it was also a lot of work to appear in all the scenes, but that she’s so grateful to have had the opportunity to have such an amazing storyline, and play such a cool character with such cool people (something like that 😂) The interviewer adds that it’s even more special because it’s unique to Skam espana to reinvent the story and my baby Irene is proud 😌

That’s it 😂 Again this is a rough summary of what was talked about, it’s highly possible that I misunderstood some stuff 😂

#irene ferreiro #croana #skam españa #skames #cris soto #ask