#AND UPDATE IT FREQUENTLY ON WHAT BULLSHIT HAPPENS

[andmaybegayer]

What are some of the coolest computer chips ever, in your opinion?

Hmm. There are a lot of chips, and a lot of different things you could call a Computer Chip. Here's a few that come to mind as "interesting" or "important", or, if I can figure out what that means, "cool".

If your favourite chip is not on here honestly it probably deserves to be and I either forgot or I classified it more under "general IC's" instead of "computer chips" (e.g. 555, LM, 4000, 7000 series chips, those last three each capable of filling a book on their own). The 6502 is not here because I do not know much about the 6502, I was neither an Apple nor a BBC Micro type of kid. I am also not 70 years old so as much as I love the DEC Alphas, I have never so much as breathed on one.

Disclaimer for writing this mostly out of my head and/or ass at one in the morning, do not use any of this as a source in an argument without checking.

Intel 3101

So I mean, obvious shout, the Intel 3101, a 64-bit chip from 1969, and Intel's first ever product. You may look at that, and go, "wow, 64-bit computing in 1969? That's really early" and I will laugh heartily and say no, that's not 64-bit computing, that is 64 bits of SRAM memory.

This one is cool because it's cute. Look at that. This thing was completely hand-designed by engineers drawing the shapes of transistor gates on sheets of overhead transparency and exposing pieces of crudely spun silicon to light in a """"cleanroom"""" that would cause most modern fab equipment to swoon like a delicate Victorian lady. Semiconductor manufacturing was maturing at this point but a fab still had more in common with a darkroom for film development than with the mega expensive building sized machines we use today.

As that link above notes, these things were really rough and tumble, and designs were being updated on the scale of weeks as Intel learned, well, how to make chips at an industrial scale. They weren't the first company to do this, in the 60's you could run a chip fab out of a sufficiently well sealed garage, but they were busy building the background that would lead to the next sixty years.

Lisp Chips

This is a family of utterly bullshit prototype processors that failed to be born in the whirlwind days of AI research in the 70's and 80's.

Lisps, a very old but exceedingly clever family of functional programming languages, were the language of choice for AI research at the time. Lisp compilers and interpreters had all sorts of tricks for compiling Lisp down to instructions, and also the hardware was frequently being built by the AI researchers themselves with explicit aims to run Lisp better.

The illogical conclusion of this was attempts to implement Lisp right in silicon, no translation layer.

Yeah, that is Sussman himself on this paper.

These never left labs, there have since been dozens of abortive attempts to make Lisp Chips happen because the idea is so extremely attractive to a certain kind of programmer, the most recent big one being a pile of weird designd aimed to run OpenGenera. I bet you there are no less than four members of r/lisp who have bought an Icestick FPGA in the past year with the explicit goal of writing their own Lisp Chip. It will fail, because this is a terrible idea, but damn if it isn't cool.

There were many more chips that bridged this gap, stuff designed by or for Symbolics (like the Ivory series of chips or the 3600) to go into their Lisp machines that exploited the up and coming fields of microcode optimization to improve Lisp performance, but sadly there are no known working true Lisp Chips in the wild.

Zilog Z80

Perhaps the most important chip that ever just kinda hung out. The Z80 was almost, almost the basis of The Future. The Z80 is bizzare. It is a software compatible clone of the Intel 8080, which is to say that it has the same instructions implemented in a completely different way.

This is, a strange choice, but it was the right one somehow because through the 80's and 90's practically every single piece of technology made in Japan contained at least one, maybe two Z80's even if there was no readily apparent reason why it should have one (or two). I will defer to Cathode Ray Dude here: What follows is a joke, but only barely

The Z80 is the basis of the MSX, the IBM PC of Japan, which was produced through a system of hardware and software licensing to third party manufacturers by Microsoft of Japan which was exactly as confusing as it sounds. The result is that the Z80, originally intended for embedded applications, ended up forming the basis of an entire alternate branch of the PC family tree.

It is important to note that the Z80 is boring. It is a normal-ass chip but it just so happens that it ended up being the focal point of like a dozen different industries all looking for a cheap, easy to program chip they could shove into Appliances.

Effectively everything that happened to the Intel 8080 happened to the Z80 and then some. Black market clones, reverse engineered Soviet compatibles, licensed second party manufacturers, hundreds of semi-compatible bastard half-sisters made by anyone with a fab, used in everything from toys to industrial machinery, still persisting to this day as an embedded processor that is probably powering something near you quietly and without much fuss. If you have one of those old TI-86 calculators, that's a Z80. Oh also a horrible hybrid Z80/8080 from Sharp powered the original Game Boy.

I was going to try and find a picture of a Z80 by just searching for it and look at this mess! There's so many of these things.

I mean the C/PM computers. The ZX Spectrum, I almost forgot that one! I can keep making this list go! So many bits of the Tech Explosion of the 80's and 90's are powered by the Z80. I was not joking when I said that you sometimes found more than one Z80 in a single computer because you might use one Z80 to run the computer and another Z80 to run a specialty peripheral like a video toaster or music synthesizer. Everyone imaginable has had their hand on the Z80 ball at some point in time or another. Z80 based devices probably launched several dozen hardware companies that persist to this day and I have no idea which ones because there were so goddamn many.

The Z80 eventually got super efficient due to process shrinks so it turns up in weird laptops and handhelds! Zilog and the Z80 persist to this day like some kind of crocodile beast, you can go to RS components and buy a brand new piece of Z80 silicon clocked at 20MHz. There's probably a couple in a car somewhere near you.

Pentium (P5 microarchitecture)

Yeah I am going to bring up the Hackers chip. The Pentium P5 series is currently remembered for being the chip that Acidburn geeks out over in Hackers (1995) instead of making out with her boyfriend, but it is actually noteworthy IMO for being one of the first mainstream chips to start pulling serious tricks on the system running it.

The P5 comes out swinging with like four or five tricks to get around the numerous problems with x86 and deploys them all at once. It has superscalar pipelining, it has a RISC microcode, it has branch prediction, it has a bunch of zany mathematical optimizations, none of these are new per se but this is the first time you're really seeing them all at once on a chip that was going into PC's.

Without these improvements it's possible Intel would have been beaten out by one of its competitors, maybe Power or SPARC or whatever you call the thing that runs on the Motorola 68k. Hell even MIPS could have beaten the ageing cancerous mistake that was x86. But by discovering the power of lying to the computer, Intel managed to speed up x86 by implementing it in a sensible instruction set in the background, allowing them to do all the same clever pipelining and optimization that was happening with RISC without having to give up their stranglehold on the desktop market. Without the P5 we live in a very, very different world from a computer hardware perspective.

From this falls many of the bizzare microcode execution bugs that plague modern computers, because when you're doing your optimization on the fly in chip with a second, smaller unix hidden inside your processor eventually you're not going to be cryptographically secure.

RISC is very clearly better for, most things. You can find papers stating this as far back as the 70's, when they start doing pipelining for the first time and are like "you know pipelining is a lot easier if you have a few small instructions instead of ten thousand massive ones.

x86 only persists to this day because Intel cemented their lead and they happened to use x86. True RISC cuts out the middleman of hyperoptimizing microcode on the chip, but if you can't do that because you've girlbossed too close to the sun as Intel had in the late 80's you have to do something.

The Future

This gets us to like the year 2000. I have more chips I find interesting or cool, although from here it's mostly microcontrollers in part because from here it gets pretty monotonous because Intel basically wins for a while. I might pick that up later. Also if this post gets any longer it'll be annoying to scroll past. Here is a sample from a post I have in my drafts since May:

I have some notes on the weirdo PowerPC stuff that shows up here it's mostly interesting because of where it goes, not what it is. A lot of it ends up in games consoles. Some of it goes into mainframes. There is some of it in space. Really got around, PowerPC did.

#computer stuff #vlsi

[mariaofdoranelle]

The Courtship Deception - Part 2: Heirloom

Fic masterlist

Written for @throneofglassmicrofics

I have 15-ish parts outlined (and most already written, a big feat for me! Yay!) so updates will be frequent since I have to finish by the end of the month heheh

Warnings: Rhoe being his shitty homophobic self

Words: 829

“He’s from Doranelle too,” Fenrys answered to one of her million questions about Rowan while they waited outside her dad’s office.

“But is he just from Doranelle, or did you meet him in Doranelle?” Aelin insisted, her voice hushed so no one would hear it.

For all his talkative personality, Fenrys was awfully secretive about his life back in Doranelle. All she knew was that he used to work for the royal family, hence why Rhoe was paying him the big bucks to babysit Aelin, but she got nothing beyond that. What did he do? Who did he work with? Are the gay rumors about Prince Endymion true? Nada.

Fenrys snorted. “He can answer that himself, Princess.” An eyebrow raised at her. “Didn’t you get his phone number?”

Aelin rolled her eyes. “That doesn’t mean he’ll answer all my questions, though.” But his flirting skills certainly made up for it, was what Aelin didn’t say because Rhoe’s assistant called them in.

His office was unsettling, or maybe it was just Aelin that felt unsettled, considering that her father only called her here for important conversations. It would be simple, just a big desk and some filing cabinets, if not for his bookcase. Instead of books, he showcased airplane miniatures—one of each model from Gala Airlines—but also family heirlooms, crests, and whatever old royal nicknack he liked to keep as a reminder of what he’d be if some very smart people hadn’t an ancestor of theirs one hundred and a half years ago.

“Fireheart.” Her dad smiled, gesturing for her to sit while Fen stood by the door. “I was just on a phone call with Lord Westfall. I have great news for us.”

“Do tell…” she trailed, unsure of what to say. Great news usually led to special dinners, not meetings mid-afternoon.

“I ran into Westfall on that trip to the Southern Continent last week. We talked a lot, including about how things are going south in business, and he’s willing to help us out if we give him a hand as well.”

“Okay…?”

Rhoe’s expression turned somber. “You do know what happened with his boy, right?”

Aelin nodded, her chest tightening just to think of their situation. Chaol and Dorian’s secret relationship was recently outed online and treated as an international scandal, leading to their breakup.

“Very well.” Her father leaned on the table, hands clasped together on the surface. “Westfall’s willing to invest in Gala Airlines if you agree to marry his boy. You know, so people stop thinking he’s a sissy.”

“EXCUSE ME?” Aelin shouted, standing up. She didn’t know what to call out first, this stupid-ass plan or the blatant homophobia.

He held both hands in surrender. “I know this isn’t fair to you, and I know you deserve to choose who you marry...”

Aelin crossed her arms. “Go on.”

“That’s why I reached out to King Dorian. He offered the same deal on his son’s behalf, and now we’re willing to let you choose which one of the boys you’ll marry.”

“Oh!” Aelin’s mouth fell open, a flush of adrenaline tingling through her body because how dare he. “How generous of you!”

Rhoe relaxed on his chair. “I knew you’d see reason.”

“No, that’s not—“ Aelin pinched the bridge of her nose, blood boiling with anger. “Have you ever considered that, if business is going south and your first solution is to sell your daughter, maybe things are sinking because of you?”

“Fireheart, this is hardly about me.” Rhoe tilted his head, as if trying to understand her. “Can’t you see that you’ll get back what was taken from you? Your birthright?”

She took a step back, mind going a mile a minute. Not this bullshit again.

“Daddy, it’s not my birthright, and even if it were, I don’t want it.”

He sighed. “Royal duties aren’t about want. It’s the most honorable—“

“That I don’t have any right to!”

“But if you can’t reclaim your own title, you should at least marry into one!”

The reason why her father married her mother, a princess from Wendlyn, before the monarchy fell there too and he lost his title—and his marriage.

“Dad, this might seem unbelievable to you, but I’m actually glad I’m not a crown princess, and I’m certainly glad your great-great-great-grandfather was such an incompetent fuck he got—“

“Enough!” her father shouted. “Watch your mouth before you talk about—“

“But I am! I’m fine with it! I have a princess’ wealth and Instagram following, why would I ever want more obligations just for the sake of a title? Can’t you see Queen Georgina? She’s boring, she dresses boring, she has a boring schedule—“

“I guess you’ll have to get used to boring, then,” he snapped, eyes cold in a commanding way. “Or choose to become a duchess. Both boys will be flying in soon to start courtship. You’ll have a few weeks to choose—unless you come up with a better deal, which I doubt.”

You can get notified when I update by either turning notifications on for @mariaofdoranelle-fics or entering my (sometimes glitchy) tag list!!

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#rowaelin #throne of glass microfics #rowan whitethorn #aelin galathynius #throne of glass #rowaelin fanfiction #rowan x aelin #aelin x rowan #rowaelin fanfic #throne of glass fanfic #the courtship deception #tcd

[zushikiss]

This is very self indulgent but like very busy yanfei who is always visiting this cafe (says bcus the coffee there is great) but is actually there to catch a glimpse of reader who is a florist on the other side of the road. Both litteraly fawning over each other with their friends and coworkers.

Write it however u want but this was also kind of a drabble <3

summary ; you find the person behind the counter extremely attractive which is why you frequent their shop, but what happens when you finally shoot your shot/when they shoot their shot with you?

warnings ; cursing, fluff just like fluff and a bit of awkwardness but still fluffy and i think thats it yes

pairings ; yanfei, scaramouche x gn!reader [ seperately ]

notes ; ahhh anon i'm so sorry 😭 i misread this and i already finished with making yanfei's when i reread it :,) yanfei's is a bit different than what you requested so i apologize but i hope it's still okay, scara's part is so rushed since i accidentally posted this too early when i haven't even started on his part yet, might make a part two with diluc if someone requests :<

─ YANFEI

You kept smiling to yourself like a fool as you poured the milk into a heart shape, though a smile tugged on your lips your mind was running wild, how can it not when that gorgeous lady is sitting right there?? you don't know her name but guessing from the various books about law always scattered on her table you guessed she was a law student, or a lawyer.

You finally mustered up the courage to give her your number, you hesitated as you picked up the tissue with your number on it, aether's eyes were on you as his hands were glued to his phone, you guessed that he was updating the gc about your law student shenanigans, you sighed as you picked up a brand new tissue deciding to not go through with your plan.

"Stop being a pussy and just give it to her oh my archons, do it for me at least I am tired of your bullshit."

Feigning an offended face you decided to listen to your friend, you picked up the tissue with your number on it as you walked over to the law student's table, though unknown to you the said law student had been ranting to her private account about how amazing you look, she was stunned with how someone could look perfect while literally pouring liquid into more liquid, but in yanfei's eyes you always appeared perfect so she paid no mind to it.

Her heart did plenty cartwheels as she reached for the tissue, she was supposed to wipe her mouth with it, parallel to her you'd been on edge for the past 15 minutes, the gorgeous law student had been paying no mind to your tissue but instead focused on her laptop, but now that she saw it you couldn't help but hide below the counter, your co-worker trying his best to stop his laughter.

Well let's just say you received a text from a very beautiful pink haired individual later that day :)

─ SCARAMOUCHE

You enjoyed the peace and quiet, which is why you easily found solace in the small cat cafe near your house, not only was the cats' company amazing, you secretly adored the barista that worked there, from what you've heared from his co-workers his name waa scaramouche, oddly you thought it suited the indigo haired man.

You've went on numerous rants about how gorgeous and breathtaking this man was to your friends and you're sure that they're tired of you however you slowly worked up the courage to finally talk to him, and today's the day!!

"hi."

"hey?"

"i uh, my name's _____"

"..good to know?"

goddamn it he's cute but can't he just get the hint??

"look i think you're really cute, do you wanna watch a movie with me or something??"

The normally quiet and snarky man was nowhere to be found, the man who stood before you was completely flustered, a blush dusting over his cheeks as he directly avoided your eyes.

"With me? Are you sure??"

"Yes. 100%, Is that a yes or a no?"

"It's a yes.."

You certainly left the cat cafe with a little more than cat hair that day.

#genshin impact smau #genshin scenarios #genshin smau #genshin fluff #genshin imagines #genshin x reader #genshin impact #genshin x you #genshin headcanons #genshin x gender neutral reader #genshin x gn reader #yanfei smau #genshin yanfei #yanfei x you #yanfei x reader #genshin scaramouche #scaramouche smau #scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x you

[gunmetal-ring]

anon again. i'm sorry that i keep coming to you with this depressing messages but you seem like one of the few sane ppl in this fandom and i appreciate your honesty.

truth is im feeling really disillusioned with hellcheer lately. we don't have a lot of "canon" content so after a while, it gets tiring going thru the same 2 scenes over and over again (especially when one of them involves chrissy's death). ive been relying on fandom but it seems like it's slowed down. fics arent updated as frequently, not a lot of new artwork.

heck, even joe and grace have moved on. joe's career is taking off. grace is leaving acting. it just feels like everything that happened last summer has come to an end :(

Aw anon thats okay. Ty for thinking of my feelings though 💓 (and also im flattered that you think im sane lmao)

Unfortunately its the way things go, especially with small ships, especially especially in a fandom as hostile as this one is. People come together and build community and share their love for characters and then g(r)o(w) their separate ways again.

But not everybody does! You and me, for example. And ive got plenty of hellcheer mutuals that seem perfectly content to draw, write, and rb their little hearts out.

I for one am absolutely astounded that theres even a fandom for hellcheer, let alone one with such talent and breadth and depth of love! Our characters had 2 scenes. Our girl was killed just as it all began. Our boy died with her name on his lips. In all likelihood we will never see them together on our screens again.

But somehow. Those ~10 minutes managed to foster an entire community of people and keep us engaged and in love w the characters for almost a year at this point! With no dangling promises or false hope or anything! Like we all know the score and we still go hard for hellcheer. Incredible.

Idk maybe it's just bc ive only had brainworms like this for 2 other ships and 1 of them is even smaller and the other one is a clusterfuck of unimaginable proportions, so im a little biased in terms of community/fandom, but im just like... idk. I think its really incredible thats all. And a testament to the very real power and truth of hellcheer 🥰

All i can say anon is that the best way to keep a fandom/ship going is engagement. Likes on tumblr and kudos on ao3 are great. But whats even better and more motivating (and i say this as a fic writer/meme shitposter so im speaking the total truth lol) is reblogs and comments. Tell people how much you love their work and how much it means to you, it goes a very long way. And on the flip side of that - stay out of the infighting. All it does is sap your mental energy and the fandom infighting bullshit is a major contributor to why people leave. The negativity and bitterness warp your perspective and make it really hard to remember what we're here for - it's not anti-st*ddie or anti-qu*nn stans or anti-anti-hellcheer or what the fuck ever. We're here for hellcheer!

Sorry my $0.02 is now $2.00 bc i ramble lol its a fatal flaw of mine. Anyway im sorry if this is annoyingly positive or dismissive but im in a strangely upbeat mood rn so there you have it

#im not getting into the whole joe/grace career stuff bc ive talked abt it a million times and i dont want to invite more bad faith anons #op #hellcheer #ask #anon

[bangtaninborderland]

JHS - Twisted Feelings (13)

Summary: After working at an award show for 2 years everything had become normal, idols were no longer exciting to see, performances became dull and every day blended together, that was until an unexpected man asked for your help.

Warnings: mentions of stalking, kind of near death experience, elevator trauma atp

A/N: so considering someone in my inbox said no one wanted to read my bullshit I thought id share some more bullshit for you all to enjoy! I'm trying to be more frequent with the twisted feeling updates, I just feel so sad now hobi isn't here :( also pls stop sending hate to my inbox whoever u are today was a hard day and hearing hurtful things really brings me down.

Prev | MasterList | Next

NaRae fell asleep two hours after you got there, she’d explained in detail how she was taking her regular route home, your parents house not being too far from her own to make the commute on foot when she was pushed against a wall on a dingy slip road and had the pictures snatched from her bag.

You’d reassured her that you weren’t mad, not at her anyway. It was a difficult situation and if anything you were truly angry with whoever was doing this. You couldn’t let the attack on Narae go amiss but there wasn’t much that could be done as of right now. Involving the police would only bring unwanted attention to the situation, it could jeopardise your job, your career, NaRae, and your parents not to mention the members themselves.

It would be a lie to say you’d slept well, the entire night you’d sat up, watching out of your window trying to piece together who was doing this, if it truly was a random fan how would they know about Jung-woo?

You shivered at the thought of it being him, although NaRae seemed to think it wasn’t, not believing the man brave enough to risk more jail time by breaching his restraining order. You’d quickly busied yourself with writing whatever you could, admittedly it wasn’t much, but you wanted to distract yourself, unable to sleep and thinking about the worst thing that ever happened to you certainly wasn’t something you wanted to do.

The hours passed quickly and soon enough you were dabbing concealer under your eyes trying to cover the bags forming from your restless night. The taxi ride was a quick one, traffic being clear.

In all honesty, everything was quite a blur, you had texted NaRae continuously all morning even sending her a food delivery gift card so she could buy herself breakfast. A sickening ball of guilt pooled in your stomach at the thought of someone you loved being hurt because of you.

You force yourself to will the thoughts away when you see Hoseok and Yoongi standing in the lobby, talking to the receptionist.

They both greeted you as you joined them, the receptionist's face going from happy to sour at the sight of you. Clearly, someone was jealous. Hoseok seemed to notice and dropped the smile he had worn with her, visibly irritated by the disgusted looks she shot you as she checked you in.

“How are you?” You asked them both as you walked to the elevator, waiting for the people inside to leave before the three of you entered the empty space.

“I’m good.” Yoongi nodded, he was always short-spoken but never rude and you appreciated that.

“I’m okay.” Hoseok seemed happier today, the stress he had been exhibiting the past few days seemed to have lessened. “Going with Hyung now to finish a song.”

“That’s good.” You were genuinely happy to hear everything coming together nicely. “What’s-“

Thud.

A screeching noise had all three of you covering your ears with your hands, your ID card and phone falling to the floor as the elevator shook.

“What’s happening?” Hoseok asked, his voice shaky.

The screeching noise continued before the elevator dropped, far too fast. It was at that moment you knew something was wrong.

“Lay down on your back right now.” You shouted to them both. “Put your arms over your face.” You followed your own instructions as they did, all three of you cramped lying on your backs in the small space.

The elevator was still falling, everything happening so fast before it abruptly came to a stop, all three of you jolting upwards.

All you could hear for a few seconds, seconds that felt like hours, was the laboured breathing of Yoongi and Hoseok beside you. You felt your own heart thinking against your chest, if you weren’t lying down you’d be shaking.

“Is everyone okay?” Yoongi asked from his position closest to the doors.

You took a moment to think, nothing hurt. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“I’m fucking terrified.” Hoseok spat out. “I can’t do this Hyung.”

“I know hope-ah, it will be okay. Hyung is going to press the emergency button okay?” Yoongi carefully slid closer to the panel, his body lifting just a little to hit the red “HELP” button.

“What’s wrong?” You nudge Hoseok, genuinely worried about the way the man has his eyes closed shut, the grip on his shirt so tight his knuckles have gone white.

“I have a fear- fear of elevators.” He gasped, chest resting and falling far too fast.

You knew how close he was to having a panic attack, your eye caught Yoongi who too seemed to be aware of the current situation.

Yoongi opened his mouth but the intercom inside the elevator went off, someone talking. “The elevator has malfunctioned, we have called for help they will be here soon. Try not to move much, it may cause it to drop down completely. You’re on floor 5 so do not move, do not stand, a drop from this height could be fatal if you do. ”

“At least someone is coming to help us.” Hoseok muttered out, none of you mentioning the warning of possible death. “Hyung I can’t do this.”

“You can hoba, come on this is nothing compared to some things we have done. Let’s just lay here and talk, try taking deep breaths.” Yoongi was calm, much calmer than you felt considering your current predicament but secretly you were grateful for his ability to remain clear-headed, although you weren’t panicking as much as you were scared.

“YN? You’re quiet are you okay?” Yoongi asked, peeking over Hoseok just a little. You suddenly realised just how small the space truly was when Hoseok also turned his head to look at you, his eyes meeting yours instantly. “Yn?” Hoseok whispered too.

You nodded, forcing a smile as best you could. “I’m okay just scared.”

“The fire department will be here soon.” Hosoek reassured you, putting his own fears to the side to comfort you. “Right Hyung?”

“Yeah, we should distract ourselves, what did you all do yesterday?” Yoongi asked and you bristled at that, you didn’t want to think about the night spent cradling NaRae's face in your lap after helping clean the cuts and scrapes over her face and hands. You couldn’t help but feel sick at the thought that you could die here and NaRae could be hurt again, Your parents could be stalked whoever is doing this clearly knows their address, even if you do live what’s so say they don’t have yours. It was like a bucket of ice-cold water had been dumped over you.

“I need my phone.” You explained, cutting off whoever was talking, you’d apologise later right now you had to text NaRae, warn her, maybe warn your parents, if you died at least they would know. “In the corner by the door, can you reach it Yoongi-ssi?”

“What’s wrong?” Hoseok asked at the same time Yoongi mumbled “Let me see.”

Yoongi could in fact reach the device, pulling it closer with his foot before holding it out to you, the screen had cracked and just your luck it wouldn’t turn on. “Fuck.” You cursed under your breath, tears welling up under your eyes.

“Yn?” Hoseoks's frown deepened at the sound of your sniffles. “Are you hurt?”

“N-no.” You hiccuped, voice barely above a whisper. “We might die.”

“Don’t say that.” Hoseok had a horrified look on his face. “We will get out of here.”

You wanted to agree, to comfort the man who was so clearly scared, even if Yoongi wasn’t showing it you were sure he was scared too but you couldn’t, all you could think about was someone you loved being hurt because of you and you no longer being here to tell them. It was a bad idea to tell anyone, and it was an awful idea to tell the members but they were the only people here, if you died at least one of them may live, and one of them may be able to make sure whoever is stalking and threatening you and those you love won’t actually hurt anyone.

You took a deep breath, preparing for any questions. “I have a stalker and I’m not sure who it is.”

“What?” They both gasped in unison.

Hoseoks hand brushed against yours and without thinking you linked your pinkies together. “I have a stalker, it started with phone calls, yesterday they sent pictures of me with you and the other members to my parents’ house, my friend was there and found them before my parents could but she was attacked on the way home. I spent the day yesterday cleaning her cuts and trying to help her feel safe. They don’t want me around you.”The elevator fell into silence as you give them a moment to process what you’ve said.

“Shit.” Was the first thing that came from Yoongis mouth, you turned to look at Hoseok who had his jaw clenched, was he angry?

“How long?” Hoseok asked, finger tightening around yours. “When did it start?”

“It started with the whole translating thing, basically the whole time I worked here. They knew some personal things, things no one else knows…” You trailed off sparing them the details of the issue of jung-woo. “If something happens here, if I die in here and you live then please tell my parents they have to move. They aren’t safe at home anymore.”

“Don’t say that, don’t say things like that.” Yoongi interjected. “You aren’t going to die, none of us are.”

“Please Yoongi-ssi. I need to know my family will be okay.” You were grateful for Hoseok being between you, the sounds of your tears were embarrassing enough.

“If anything happens, which it won’t, I will personally make sure your parents are safe.” Hoseok looks at you with such a determination it can only be taken as a promise. “Have you gone to the police? Reported it to the company? It could be a sasaeng.”

“No, no I can’t do that. If I do it will just get worse, they said they would tell people personal things if I do. I can figure out who it is, I just need a little time.” You really had no idea where to start looking but you didn’t tell them that, truthfully you felt awful telling them something like this and then swearing them to secrecy but you didn’t see any other options available to you.

“We can’t keep this a secret, YN-ssi. It may be someone who has stalked us, we have had our fair share of encounters. We can help, the company can help.” Yoongi sounded sincere, sounded like he genuinely wanted to help.

You remembered NaRaes’ detailed explanation of the photos. “They have pictures of me inside the building, it must be someone who has access enough to take pictures of me with you all. They have the addresses of those I care about, at this point, I’m unsure if they know my address.”

Yoongi jolts upward, only stopping himself when he remembers where he is. “They have pictures of us.”

“So it could be a staff member.” Hoseok supplies.

Yoongi sighs. “That’s all the more reason to tell management. Who knows what kind of picture they have of us hoba, what if they have pictures of the others? Personal information? Relationship information? We have a lot to lose.”

“Hyung.” Hoseok paused, finally realising just how bad the situation had been. “You really think that?”

“Yes.” Yoongi nodded. “We have to protect ourselves. I’m sorry YN but I can’t sacrifice everyone and everything I care about for you.”

You didn’t say anything, Yoongis's words sounded so bitter, that you hated the way you instantly felt less than them. Of course, what they needed was more important than you, You were never blind to that fact but you hadn’t expected for them to both disregard the danger you and your family plus NaRae would be in if they did.

“We will tell Sejin once we get out. YN can you come? He will need to hear first-hand from you what happened, I know after everything today it’s probably too much but they need to know so they can stop any information about us being released or scandals happening. I promise you we will make sure you don’t get fired, you haven’t done anything anyway as long as you’re honest with him.” Yoongi is lying down once again, out of your eyesight and you are glad he is, otherwise, he may have noticed the sad scowl across your face. You shifted your head enough to look at the wall away, turned enough so Hoseok couldn’t see your frown.

Logically you understood they had more to lose, their image, and their lives could be ruined if someone had caught the wrong conversation. Although you could lose your job it would be nothing compared to the scandal that could happen if someone leaked important information about BTS. It didn’t matter that you had people who were at risk, at least not against important people.

Hoseok went to say something, whatever it was you weren’t entirely sure. A noise outside had you all a little startled before a voice started. “The fire department has arrived, we will begin to remove you now. Stay still until we can get the doors open.”

“Thank Fuck.” Yoongi huffed.

#bts smut #bts x reader #bts fluff #bts angst #bts series #bts fanfic #hoseok x reader #hobi x reader #jhope x reader #Hoseok smut #Hoseok angst #Hoseok fluff #Hoseok comfort #bts hoseok #hoseok drabble #yoongi x reader #yoongi smut #yoongi fluff #Jungkook smut #jungkook x reader #jimin x reader #jimin smut #taehyung x reader #taehyung smut #seokjin x reader #seokjin smut #namjoon smut #namjoon x reader #jhope comfort #jhope

[bytedykes]

What is ORV actually about? I assumed that it was like... A modern psychological thriller with a bit of queerbait, but now I'm seeing your posts and reblogs tagged ORV that are all kinda surreal and fantasy type stuff, I feel like I saw the word isekai a couple times? So what is ORV actually?

ok i have been sitting on this ask for a few days bc i. have no idea where to even begin trying to explain what orv is about

here's a post by tumblr user ot3 that does a better job of explaining orv than i ever could. below the cut is MY attempt at an orv summary

"what is orv actually about?" this is a wonderful question. i don't know. i did nothing but read this novel for 2 weeks straight and i could not for the life of me tell you what orv is "about"

the thing about this book is that if you're reading it, it makes perfect sense. the events are linear. there is a bunch of mindfucky bullshit BUT it all happens in a relatively straightforward way. i understand orv perfectly. but at gunpoint, could i put the events in chronological order? no. pull the trigger

ok. orv is about a salaryman named kim dokja who has the most uninteresting boring life in the world. this is a lie. he does nothing but go to his job he's about to get fired from, eat convenience store kimbap, and read webnovels. he reads a specific webnovel (twsa) that has been updating daily for 13 years straight. he has been reading it since he was 15 through his entire adult life

twsa is about the apocalypse, starring protagonist yoo joonghyuk. the day kim dokja reads the last chapter and eagerly awaits the epilogue to be published the apocalypse happens. exactly like in the webnovel. now armed with a .txt file of twsa and his autism superpowers he navigates the apocalypse trying to reach his ideal ending

orv, for lack of better term, does not take itself very seriously at times. frequently, even. at least half of the major plot points are comprised of complete bullshit. every few chapters i had to put the book down and go "no fucking WAY is this actually happening" but it was! it was happening every time! its hysterical!

orv is also extremely meta. every time you think "ok it cannot possibly get more meta, this is it, this is the peak" ur wrong. u are wrong every single time until the very end of the epilogue. it can ALWAYS get more meta. orv is 100% the most meta thing i have read in my life

on top of all this, pretty much anything you can think of has happened in orv. "orv is a book about everything" while an exaggeration, this is true. it really fucking is. it has everything in it. you know that poem by shel silverstein, "everything on it"? that's what reading orv is like

it tackles many serious topics (such as: loneliness, the desperate desire to connect with other people combined with the inability to allow yourself to be loved, finding the things that push you to keep surviving) and many topics that are. not that (such as: "what if a dumpling had a face how would that work", "what if gay people were insane and not even friends", "what if a guy was so autistic his brain started eating people", "what if a monkey was actually 4 monkeys" and more such things. wouldnt that be fucked up)

orv definitely. yeah. surreal and fantasy type stuff is a very appropriate descriptor. a modern psychological thriller is... also appropriate i suppose. "a bit of queerbait" is NOT appropriate because orv is built on queerbait but not in the sense of it being baiting. in the sense of it being canon but unsaid. like its not canon. but it is. its canon and it is constant. there is an archangel that ships said queerbait she is a proud yaoi supporter. this is a real thing i am not making up

on top of that insane queerbait. there is insane polycule bait as well. like i need you to understand that while its not "canon" in the traditional sense of the word it IS real and it IS on screen and it IS as explicit as it could actually be without it actually being, you know, explicit. it literally makes me feel insane

ISEKAI. RIGHT. im not really familiar with isekai as a genre so take this paragraph with a grain of salt but orv is more of a reverse isekai? the fantasy world comes TO the "real" world. however there are in fact multiple isekais-within-the-isekai later on. multiple types of them even

anyway orv is also heavily based on the theme of stories and like. god i hope you've read ot3's post because im sure they explained it better. its a very theme-heavy piece of media where the rules of the world aren't based on logic but based on how they can further the themes. its very intricately constructed and like

it will blow your mind. god. i dont even know what im saying anymore. its good is my point it is so fucking good. orv changed me. it is a very hopeful piece of media and i am sure that rereading it will devastate me even harder than it did the first time

TLDR: orv is an insane long book about literally everything and at least half of those things are complete bullshit but are incredibly integral to the plot. somehow. it is very worth reading and will change ur life forever

#orv #asks #uhdudhudshu i just used this as an opportunity to infodump im sorry. again ot3's post definitely explains orv WAY way better than i did

[seldaryne]

"Wyll's quest regarding the Wyrmway is now a subquest instead of part of his main quest."

"Wyll's quest regarding Ravengard will now more reliably and frequently receive updates in Act III."

so mechanically speaking then, was the demotion of quest status in the first point required for them to implement the functionality of the second or??? because i genuinely don't understand why it became a subquest, especially when the game's structure already allows you to just ignore quests & move on to the next area if you want. most of the patch notes that directly mention wyll are bug-related or scripting flow, which i don't have a problem with (bug fixes are great, we love those). i'd love to hear any thoughts about this, though, because i really can't think of a reason why it had to become a subquest?

i also initially read that second point as planning for future updates to wyll's content but at a second glance i think it may just be referring to journal updates? i don't know, i'd like to believe my initial reaction was the correct one but... yknow. anyway i maintain that this is yet Another example of some really goddamn weird choices on the developmental end of things. if the companion quests exist on a sliding scale of 'most related to current main storyline to least,' wyll is very much at the top end of things. optimistic thought is that a lot of his scrapped content existed in the parts of act 3 that were cut, but i would think that as a studio you'd see that & make an effort to level things out with how much screentime the other companions have. at the bare minimum, your player base shouldn't be able to clock so many weird holes in his story arc where it's clear that something else was supposed to be offered.

i'm also not saying that the other companion arcs weren't clunky in some areas & didn't need a bit of help, but the disparity here makes deprioritizing those edits seem like a more logical course of action. like there's a difference between some slightly unpolished scenes vs. something that feels fundamentally lacking in a lot of structural ways, especially when you get into the finer points of the comparisons. act 3 imo is the one that feels the most bare-bones to me. like yes, there's Stuff there visually and quests too but it doesn't feel as lived-in as acts 1 & 2. i would say that the underdark to ketheric section feels the most dense, content-wise, and i don't think it's a coincidence that it's the bracket of the game i enjoy the most. i maintain that giving wyll's storyline the attention it needs would not only help with the character arc itself, but also pad out the quieter stretches of act 3. at this point i don't really see how they'd be able to add in the upper city without either completely changing the trajectory of the third act (so like, almost definitely something we Will Not See Happen & understandably so from a production standpoint. weird post-release editing aside, it is still a finished game.) & i'm also not sure what a DLC would look like here because the main story feels pretty complete too. off the top of my head, maybe one where you follow wyll & karlach into avernus would work, but that's worldstate dependent & probably wouldn't get made for that reason.

all that to say, from where i'm standing it really seems like giving wyll the same respect other companions are offered would by extension fix some of the act 3 issues, without having to release an entirely new area of the game (i'd love it i just don't think it's realistic lmao). like i know why/what the factors are that led to wyll getting the short end of the stick, it's bullshit but it's not the first time we've seen black characters handled unfairly by devs (& fans), but beyond that it's literally just. so confusing to me on the basis of writing alone. why wouldn't you use the character with that many ties to the titular city of the game more? why isn't he more integral to the story when it really seems like he has every reason to take the spotlight in certain areas?? like that's a fantastic resource of a character to use to move the narrative along and Yet.

idk. this started off as just a reaction to patch notes but it's so unbelievably frustrating to watch it keep happening every patch.

#like when you KNOW why but my brain still refuses to comprehend?? bc its so Dumb on production's side?? #there feels like there's so little flavour text for him even like... idk. #anyway thats my thoughts on patch 6 #new kisses are nice menu qol fixes sound good now please do something about this #like put it on the list or something. #bg3 #no really like does anyone know why this is now a subquest. what does this mean have any of you seen this in other games.

[juniperwoodwell]

Prompt List!

What's a prompt list? Well, it's a list of dialogue or idea prompts for different characters.

•In my prompt list you can choose any prompt you like for a character then send me a request for it, This is to help me get more stories out there for you guys and help motivate me to get them out quicker!

•All Prompts can be used multiple times, I won't be crossing them out but will be linking any posts I make with the prompt.

•You can also include what genre you'd like, Romance, Angst, Fluff, etc. (excluding smut)

(I will be frequently updating the list so don't worry about how short it is right now)

•If you have any prompts or suggestions let me know!

•Masterlist

------------------------------------

•The General section is for any character (ones I write for) of your choosing. You can use these for multiple characters.

•General

•1: "Call me that one more time, see what happens."

×

•2: "Wait a minute, are you jealous?"

•3: "I never thought you'd be the one to break my heart."

•4: "I wish I never met you"

•5: "In Truth you like the pain, You like it because you believe you deserve it."

•6: "Say it. Say you'll marry me and I'll do it, I'll get the paperwork and a judge. We'll be married by morning."

"What are you even saying?"

"I'm proving to you that there is no one else in this entire world I want more than you. You're everything I've ever wanted and if you say you want to marry me right now then let's get married. I love you."

"You better start making some phone calls then baby, because I love you too."

•7 "What else are you going to steal from me?"

"What? I haven't stolen-"

"First you steal my Hoodies then you steal my heart, what's next. My last name?"

•Charles

•1: "Don't patronize me for something you were too scared to do!"

•Erik

•1: "I didn't say 'I love you' to hear it back, I said it to make sure you knew."

•2: "Did we mean nothing to you? Did I mean nothing to you?"

•3: "Don't patronize me for something you were too scared to do!"

•Frank

•1: "I'll protect you, They're never going to touch you again."

•2: "Don't mess with that, You'll hurt yourself."

•3: "I'm not the good guy here."

•4: "You're not a bad guy."

•5: "I'm tellin' ya sweetheart, you don't want me. The blood on my hands..It don't wash off."

×

•6: "Your bullshit has a body count"

•Matt

•1: "I screwed up, Alright.? But I never lied to you. I've done a lot of shit in my life, but loving you is different."

•Eddie

•1: "I screwed up, Alright.? But I never lied to you. I've done a lot of shit in my life, but loving you is different."

•Bruce

•1: "I screwed up, Alright.? But I never lied to you. I've done a lot of shit in my life, but loving you is different."

•2: "If you want something, I'll buy it for you. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you are happy with it."

"But what if it's super expensive??"

"Honey, do you think money is really an issue for me?"

"Oh... well I guess not."

•Thranduil

•1: "I'm very certain that the human body isn't supposed to bleed this much..."

•Legolas

(Coming soon)

•Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw

•1: "I came back for you, I promised I would and I did."

•Jake "Hangman" Seresin

•1: "Your bullshit has a body count."

•Conner

•1: "Your stitches ripped"

•2: "I broke my rules for you"

•Steven Grant

(Coming soon)

•Marc Spector

•1: "You have no idea how to make toast?"

•2: "Hey! Would you stop stealing my damn fries!"

•Jake Lockley

•1: "You're losing my interest, that's very dangerous."

•Arthur

•1:"Do you realize what time it is?"

•2: "I came back for you, I promised I would and I did."

•Merlin

•1: "I love you too much to leave you like this.."

•2: "I think someone needs a nap."

•3: "This is why I fell in love with you"

•Gwaine

(Coming soon)

------------------------------------

Others

•Poe Dameron

•Damon Salvatore

•JJ Maybank(OBX)

•Kylo Ren/Ben Solo

------------------------------------

I'm also starting a taglist, so let me know if you want to me tagged for any of the characters I write for.

#writing #writers on tumblr #reader insert #daredevil x female reader #frank castle x reader #charles xavier x reader #eddie diaz x reader #erik lensherr x reader #steven grant x reader #marc spector x reader #jake lockley x reader #bruce wayne x reader #bradley bradshaw x female reader #merlin x reader #arthur pendragon x reader #conner rk800 x reader #jake seresin #lotr x reader #jj mayback x reader #kylo ren x reader

[valos-venus-doom]

Have you heard about what going on with Bam lately? I was hoping he and Ville could reunite and maybe inspire him to finally get sober. I guess that won't happen now.

I wonder how Ville is feeling or what he thinks about every update of Bam's case.

As a frequenter of the subreddit r/LetsTalkBam I am painfully aware of everything going on, yeah. He’s on meth, and honestly, between the substance abuse, seizures, comas, and head trauma he’s endured the last 30 years, he’s never going to be okay. Even if he got clean & sober and got mental health treatment, his brain is just damaged beyond repair and his erratic behavior might not be able to be stopped fully.

Jess Margera just said something yesterday akin to “Ville Valo, the 69 eyes, Novak, Steve-O, all stopped partying and got sober, but Bam is the last to get it.” And he may never get it, sadly.

As far as Ville, I think he cares a little, but he hasn’t had contact with Bam in such a long time, and I think it’s drama he doesn’t want anything to do with so when asked he seems to just wish him well but that’s it. I’m not even sure he gets updates (he may, idk). I sincerely doubt them reuniting will ever happen. To be honest, I think Bam is going to die sooner rather than later. He's in so deep at this point.

I just feel bad for his son, Phoenix, at the end of the day. That poor kid doesn't deserve this bullshit in his life.

#ville valo #vv #bam #bam margera #jackass

[copperbadge]

So, I got a bunch of responses on my posts last week about the ADHD/Anxiety diagnosis and I appreciated all the support and advice. As an update, I’m waiting on the official writeup, which I hope to have by end of May, and at the start of June I have an appointment with a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADHD and medication management. In the meantime I’m googling occasionally but otherwise just kind of sitting with the information and figuring out what I think.

In any case, one of the strongest responses I got, especially in private, was thanks for being so visible not just with the diagnosis but with my thoughts and feelings about it. Which doesn’t seem like a particularly hard thing for me to do; I know reactions vary, but I enjoy public dialogue about this kind of thing. So while I can’t reply to all of even most of the comments, and some I chose not to reply to because they were seemingly quite personal, I thought I would post up a few that seemed relevant. 

If you have stuff to say feel free to comment or reblog; if you send an ask bear in mind that A) anon asks might not get replies and B) non-anon asks may get only private ones, since I’m trying to control the dialogue a little, to keep it a safe space for people to engage. 

Also the tag for all this stuff is “Sam has ADHD” if you need to block it. I have 25,000 readers, I promise I will not notice nor will I be hurt if you have the tag blacklisted. :D

sumeriasmith

Anxiety and ADHD are conditions frequently comorbid, so it's not surprising to me that a test for the one evaluates the other. That said, if it's not too rude to mention, the _degree_ to which a surprise diagnosis for anxiety feels like a personal failure and causes you such an intense reaction is... probably due to the anxiety?

Oh, possibly. Though I begin to wonder if I’m working off a different definition of anxiety than I ought to be, like -- maybe I haven’t quite internalized the idea of anxiety in the way people are meant to. This does sometimes happen, where I think a word means one thing because it has in my personal experience, and actually it’s quite different. I mean, yes I do think I failed the Secret Being Normal Test, but I don’t see that as a flaw? It feels like a lot of people see a failure at something as evidence of being a bad person, and I just see it as a failure, with “fail” being pretty value-neutral. I don’t seem to couple failing-at-doing-something with being-a-failure in the way a lot of people seem to. 

At one point in the test I told the woman “I’m doing so badly at this it’s almost impressive” just to make a joke, and she was like “But you’re trying your hardest, right?” and I said “Well...yeah, of course” fairly baffled, and only realized later she was possibly trying to comfort me, not checking to make sure I wasn’t sabotaging the test on purpose. I don’t mind failure particularly, especially when it’s so incredibly low-stakes, this specific failure just blindsided me because unlike usually, I wasn’t aware it was happening as it happened. 

perminas

while best practice is usually to be in consistent talking therapy while taking adhd meds, you can absolutely get an assessment and find a psychiatrist - fairly easily on zocdoc! - who will not withhold medication if you don't continue therapy. i have one! she's in chicago and does telemed, even for adhd meds, if you want a recommendation!

Oh, thanks! I found a dude in the loop (near my home) who fits the bill, and the clinic seems pretty legit, but if he sets off alarm bells I may hit you back :D 

Man there is a lot of bullshit wank that pulls up on Google when you search for anything related to mental health or learning disabilities. Also there are some scaaaaaaams out there and they’re hitting up top on the algorithm, don’t love that. 

katestamps

Sending huge virtual hugs. No idea what insurance will pay for but there is also music, art and even theater therapy as opposed to just talk therapy and that may feel less awkward than traditional talk therapy if you want to go the therapy route. Also you may have more options with virtual appointments as opposed to them in your immediate area.

For a second I was like “Oh shit I could just go do theatre as therapy?” and then I realized it was probably like...theatre involving therapeutic themes, not just “working stagehand for a local production of Hairspray”. :D Which honestly sounds kind of exhausting anyway, before you introduce working through your issues, but it does explain a bit about my entire college career. 

Man. I had some art therapy in my teens in California in the 90s and that...was a whole ass real trip I had forgotten about. You couldn’t pay me to be a teenager again.  

flippedroundagain

You don't owe it to tumblr to be "well adjusted" about your own shit. It's A Lot to process! I hope the diagnosis ends up helping and that you find good care.

Well, no, but I do owe it to tumblr that, if I’m going to be public about it and tag the post with the various issues, I need to not be offensive or so fucked up I’m hurting other people. Like, not that I think this, but I’ve seen people say “I can’t have a learning disability, I’m normal” like everyone who has one is somehow a freak. If I’m going to express something like that, because nobody can be super healthy about this shit all the time, I need to find an appropriate place to put that, which isn’t “right in front of other people with the problem I’m bitching about.” 

It’s okay to be both hurting and conscious of not hurting others. It’s just a matter of making sure that either I say stuff that isn’t hurtful, or I warn that I might be inadvertently hurtful as I work through shit. 

#sam has adhd #sumeriasmith #katestamps #flippedroundagain #perminas

[chronicas]

I will send u cat photos in a bit, but for rn: what ocs have a death grip on you rn and why? (this is an essay) (but i am also being silly) (i would like an essay) (english class essay) (minimum word count 500) (thats a joke)

Oh shit I missed this one yesterday, but yk it's appreciated today too :) Anyways definitely the main OC that's been on my mind lately is Sammy. He's just sooooo coooool. She's got all my favorite narrative elements, subversion of the horror genre, anti-military sentiment, weird old man adopting a weirder kid, and Riot Grrrl. She's really got it all. But I think mostly what's going on in my head is how I'm gonna structure the comic. Webcomics are a great way to break into making comics, but because you're only uploading a page or two at a time you gotta keep the audience captivated with only a small amount of information. I'm excited to explore horror comics because I think horror is a genre that IS good at keeping your audience drawn in with minimal info. I'm glad so many people have shown interest in Sam because I'm not ready to commit to AoC which I've been working on for so long, or MotA which I hope to make as a graphic novel.

I'd go into wayyyyyy more detail on Sam and her whole deal if it weren't for the fact that by this time next year he'll have his own comic.

However I can talk about her anyways. Mainly stuff that won't happen for quite a while like Sam actually joining the band. The bandmates still need names, except the drummer, who's name is Imani. I'm most excited for the band because it will mark the most lighthearted part of the comic right before shit gets real bad again. It's the first taste Sam gets of being a normal teenager, she gets good at bass, hangs out with her friends, has sleepovers, all the shit she never got to have growing up. Then of course the roadtrip picks back up, but this time with three more teenage girls. The tone'll stay lighter for a while, but having the other girls around makes things more complicated, in a lot of ways that are just, normal teen drama bullshit less than "this is a horror comic".

I hope mainly that all y'all like my comic. I wish I could promise a more frequent update schedule, but right now we're lookin' at a page a month. Still, I'm excited to introduce y'all to Sam properly :)

#asks #ophidian lore #mutuals #unchained phenomena

[khaleesiofalicante]

The things people think they can get away with when you have a disability are absolutely insane to me.

So life update from stories about Lily living on her own:

I was walking into my school because they were having a ceremony for all the incoming students. I was walking on my own perfectly fine when this random woman comes up and grabs my arm and tries to tell me where to go. She lets go for a second and my roommate goes back to telling me the directions to make sure I’m going The right way. Like she was already doing before this random woman came up to me. And when she saw my roommate helping me, she started mouthing thank you repeatedly because she knew I wouldn’t be able to see her say that. My roommate just gave her an extremely dirty look and told me about it later because she does not stand for the bullshit lol

And honestly, now that I’ve been living in a new place, I realize that happening a lot more frequently. Like it’s definitely not anything that’s new to me, but for it to have happened more than three or four times in like the last few days does feel quite ridiculous. It’s one thing when I am with friends because I know they will not let anything happen to me, but it is so bad when I’m walking on my own because it only adds to the anxiety I have while walking outside by myself instead of helping the way they think it will. Especially when people try to direct me without having any clue where the fuck I’m going. I am now so fed up with people thinking they know what is best for me and thinking that I cannot possibly figure things out for myself all because of one tiny little disability that just so happens to exist.

Sorry for the rant, but I am just quite frustrated. I know people have good intentions, but like, good intentions don’t always mean that you’re doing the right thing.

It pisses me off so much when people do this!

Helping someone who doesn't want, and especially doesn't NEED, your help is actually a way of inconveniencing them. Most people do it out of guilt or simply because it would make them feel like better people ugh.

I'm sorry people are beings dicks.

Here are some mavid song rec from IALS that I can't get out of my head. I hope it makes your day a little better. Wannabe by Why Mona.

PS - your roommate is the best.

#lilypad

[whythewords]

Saddle up

In the vain of the last post, is there a point in updating this anymore? I think I do it more for my own benefit because realistically the application of this whole thing is to get these thoughts onto a (digital) page. I've oftentimes in the last little while thought that I didn't have much to say, until I started saying it. Then it flowed out like water breaking through a dam.

Things are where they were, they're where I left them. I'm still trying to make moves to...well..move. I SAY I'm trying harder to make it happen this year, but realistically I've done a lot planning for the steps I should be taking and not actually taking said steps. I feel like I said something to that effect last time too...or maybe it was the time before that. It's all starting to run together.

Work has been kicking my ass the last few weeks. Again, something I feel like I've already asked but I guess it bares repeating: is it too early to be bitter? And maybe bitter is too strong a word. I contend in other discussions about this gig that my worst day is here is still better than my best day at the old job. I haven't had full-on panic attacks. I haven't had a day so shitty that all I wanted was the warmth of my home and for it still to be at least an hour out of my grasp...and be kinda shitty there too anyway. Well...I guess things are shitty at home now as well but for different reasons. But at least I'm close by.

That's the other thing. I know my folks mean well, but it's been increasingly tough lately. I went to see an old friend in Toronto and was riddled with texts and phone calls because I hadn't come home yet and it was late. 37 years old and being checked in on, helicopter parented by my 80 and almost 80 year old folks. I lost my damn mind and got into a huge blowout with my dad over it..and fuck even that...even that is some teenager bullshit. I just don't want any of it. I've been spending far less time with them and it's not too hard for them to notice when someone is avoiding them in their own home. My mom seems more understanding of my plight...my dad is the one who makes comments. Just moments ago he brought me a plate of fruit, admittedly a very sweet and homey gesture and something I would SURELY miss if I was off living on my own...and as he set it down he said "here, since you don't want to spend time with us anymore." The implication being that they were having fruit earlier while watching Jeopardy! which I used to watch with them pretty frequently, but I opted not to tonight. I bowed out of the tradition.

And you know what? He's fucking right. I DON'T want to spend time with them anymore. At least not right now. Not after spending almost 3 years with them beginning during one of the most truly shitty times in my life, and trying to claw my way back to some sense of normalcy and claim SOME semblance of the independence that one would think ought to be allotted to an employed, fairly intelligent 37 year old man. If I move far, mom already said they're gonna go where I go so I am going to keep seeing them frequently, but on my own terms and with the ability to retreat to my own space. And if they stay out here in Mississauga, I'm gonna be back out here visiting friends and family constantly anyway...and friends in Toronto, and friends in Guelph, and friends in Burlington....

And maybe a girl in Burlington? But let's not get our hopes up. Let's not do the same thing we do every single god damn time we get a little deep into these dating apps. So yeah, that happened again (against my better judgment.) I was seeing some old friends this past Friday night (those ones in Toronto, in fact) that I hadn't seen in a while. We were talking about dating and it came to light that couples in healthy (or I suppose unhealthy) relationships oftentimes have a weird FOMO about the dating apps and like to live vicariously through their single friends. I don't know if it's necessarily just FOMO or more of an "oh wow look at the freak show" mentality, but either way I said "fuck it" and decided to download the two apps I had profiles on so we could marvel at the state of dating right now all together. This is after I had pledged to myself and others that I would stay off that shit until I figure out this next chapter of my life. Now, in my defence...the alcohol was flowing...(one full beer on a half empty stomach, because that's all it takes for my old ass these days...I didn't say it was the best defence.) So I got out the phone and casted to their TV and we swiped and we laughed and we drank. One of the friends posited that we should get together again but go out to a bar instead and she would be my "wingwoman" and all that, and it all was very fun and light-hearted. But by the end of it, I did tell them both that there was a good chance these apps would be off my phone again in a couple of weeks.

Cut to the next day. Saturday morning. No big plans. A few matches. And now I'm in it. Halfway true to my word, I very quickly deleted one of the apps as there was absolutely no traction there, but there were a few light conversations happening on the other one. A couple of new matches over the course of the week, some conversations, and one in particular that quickly resulted in a date after just a few days of chatting. What's more, she was the one to ask me out which was a surprising and welcome change from the flakiness I'd experienced from the last couple of women I had "successful" meetups with on the apps. The date was fine. Simple. We had drinks and chatted and got to know each other a little better. We already have another one scheduled for next Tuesday. These should be good things...but I'm worried.

I'm worried about the hole I dug myself into after the last couple of connections I made on these apps. I'm worried that I felt so committed to NOT being on the apps while I figured the rest of my life out, that maybe that mentality is still lingering. I still have walls up. I had to really actually try to tell myself during the date to drop my guard a little bit. I told my friend this and he expressed concern that I shouldn't jump in if I don't feel ready...but I've BEEN doing this...I've BEEN ready. I think I'm ready just not nearly as...I don't know...hopeful? And that's sad. But I am willing, SO fucking willing to have my mind changed. So we'll see. Rolling with the punches is sort of the name of the game here. Don't wanna over-invest...don't wanna be aloof and dismissive. Just need to meet in the middle.

Maybe that improv class I've been taking will help with the dating thing and allow me some more unguarded spontaneity? Maybe I just needed a smooth transition into talking about the improv class. It has been a fucking blast, actually. I have looked forward to it every Tuesday and it's been a nice consistent routine and activity to get outta the house with. And tomorrow is the last session...(technically today because it is well past midnight and fuck I should be sleeping). I can't believe 8 weeks already passed. It fucking flew by. And I definitely think I wanna take the next class in the series or do an acting class at the theatre centre closer to me or just...something. I need another fun thing I can do for a little while to just get out of my same-ass routine.

This is all sort of reminiscent of my brief time in Toronto that I previously mentioned being nostalgic for. It was a rediscovery: Getting more involved in music, going out mid-week to just "check out the scene" as it was. Hell, that was my first experience on the dating apps as well. And that first part was fun...it was always fun until it wasn't. But I'm here now, and I'm trying again because I just might as fucking well right?

So here we go.

Back in the saddle.

#life of joe #online dating

[blog-reflection]

ONE / Thirteen - Fragile - Pls be Gentle

Well back I am.

I’m back in Dover and well, nothing has changed. Except, power is back on. I may or may not got some help from Lucia, who helped me out after I told her what all happened. No sight of Mildret being here, everything’s how I left it a view days ago. 

Brighton is far away from all that Bullshit I had to deal with. And the best of it, the train to Windsor only takes around two hours which is one hour less than from Dover. It's not like I visit Jesse that often, but it's great to know that even the opportunity is given. I already texted them the good news, they were so happy and offered their help if needed. Soo Next thing will be, packing up everything I own. I already saved up a lot of boxes over the last month just in case that I do figure out a way to leave this place. Luckily, it’s a whole apartment. I’ve started with my desk, which I rarely used last month. Folders I’ve already forgotten, more than one million pens, pencils, acrylics, you name it, a tone of different coloured papers, books I didn’t even know I own and…what the actuall fuck!? How in the hell did Jesse snoop one of their tank tops in here? This thing must be in here for at least 10 years prior to today. It even smells like they frequent if I’m honest. It’s a basic one, dam coloured, leaves a tiny bit of transparency, has really small stripes and no sides. I think I’m going to keep it, not because I want to wear it but to have it as a memory of Jesse. Still funny though. I will nail this to my wall just because I want to see their reaction. If I’m honest I don’t even think they miss it at all, they lose track of so much and have a really small recall ability. I turned on the music and continued packing the boxes while doing awful and probably embarrassing dance moves throughout my room getting lost in memories of the old time, our old time. Jesse is quite a loud and extroverted person, after they were out of school. Apart from that, Jesse is living with the best person ever; Charles, Jesse's dad. He is just the nicest human being. He never had anything against anything. The way he had handled the quite emotional outing from Jesse was just done in the dreamiest way possible. Ever since, he uses the right pronouns, makes sure Jesse is doing just well and ensures to give them the time they need to not get stressed out. He cares a lot about Jesse without controlling them nor so ever. Some people say Mr. Owen doesn’t care about Jesse because he gives a fuck about everything. Truth is, he knows how Jesse's mind works and does everything to not get Jesse stressed. A few years ago, he left the two of us alone in the apartment for around a month. This was nuts, a lot of chaos and fun. I actually haven’t seen Jesse since I graduated 9 years ago. But we still haven’t lost connection at all. We chat on a weekly basis, update the other one with the latest tea and gossip, laugh and play a lot of online games, like Minecraft together. 

They are just the most talented people on the planet. Doing their own music, playing the guitar, is a master in arts and craftsmanship and a true gamer. Whenever we started something, they made it better. Even in school. The only subjects where I was superior were either history or forms. They are even able to read but compared to me that’s not really a hard thing to do. They are aware of me being jealous. Jesse can take it. I explained why it is the way it is but even this can’t tear us apart. We stuck together like a bag of wine gums in the middle of the summer left in the car. I started packing some boxes again, since there was no chance for me to sleep now.

I played some music in the background and continued filling some of the boxes. Four hours passed and I got around 30% of my stuff wrapped. I had some breaks whenever I found some old things that revived memories, especially the ones with Jesse. We somehow managed to get a lot of memories in a really small amount of time. Most of them are from my time in Windsor, when things were much worse. We had so much fun during that time. I looked towards a picture underneath the book that I just put away. We were so young. Jesse was so small, they were even shorter than me. Now It’s the complete opposite. Based on the pics we exchange sometimes, Jesse must be around six feet and some inches by now. I myself managed to get stuck on five feet and around eight inches. Their skin had this bright coffee touch, light brown curls with a touch of red all over the face. Jesse is a person that never sweats and is always a walking radiator. I barely see them wearing any clothes as soon as the temps rise over 20°C, especially in summer. They don’t show it off though, it’s just Jesse being Jesse. For me that’s normal. We’ve seen each other naked so it’s literally no big deal rather or not they wear fabric. Sometimes, I’d wish I’d be as confident in my body as they are. Jesse is just all pure, pure skin, pure mind, knowledge, smart, clever, outstanding, you name it. I could never pull off any of their trades. I’m really insecure sometimes, which makes life even harder than it should be. But Jesse knows that. They know I have a tendency for low self-esteem and, honestly, they support me so well in almost all the stuff, especially when I get stuck in BII. 

The picture was taken on the last day of year nine and showed the two of us. I wore one of Jesse’s tank tops and Jesse themself was not dressed at all. I can see that moment right before my eyes. It was mid-summer, a really really hot day, so we went to a local river Jesse knew about. It was a really spontaneous idea; therefore, we weren’t really prepared. We grabbed some stuff at a local store before heading to the lake for some good chills. We were alone, no one really knew about that spot, so Jesse did some proper skinny dipping. I for myself haven’t had proper swim wear, which resulted in me jumping in the water with my clothes. We had a lot of fun, but when I got cold and got out, I realised that I had nothing to change. Jesse said I can have their clothes, a tank top and some really short pants. I took it and dressed to feel warmer. We stayed at the river for a really long time. We talked a lot, laid in the sun, enjoyed the small breaths on our backs, made some kind of sandcastle and so on. Even when the sun went down, it was so hot that the temps did not fall. My clothes haven’t fully dried yet, since I’ve been jumping in and out of the water, so I asked Jesse if they brought anything to change. They just looked me dead in the eye, shrugged, got out of the water, shaked their hair like a dog after a rainy day, grabbed their bag and started walking. I remember how they looked back at me asking whether or not I’d follow. At the end, Jesse walked home naked,only covert by the night, me next to them, dressed in their clothes. This constellation was so horrendous, we laughed the entire way home. I’ve known that Jesse does not care about others opinions, but that got it up another level. When we got home, we took that pic to remind us of how much fun we had that day. That’s for the good old days. I framed the picture with a spare frame I found, wrapped it in paper and carefully put it in one of the boxes. I closed it and rested my elbows on it, holding my head. I looked through my room and thought…what a mess. 

Boxes all over the place, some of them were open, most of them closed and stacked above each other. It lowkey looked like a toddler, trying to build a cardboard castle or something. Truth is, it’s still a mess. Blankets everywhere, pillows, plants that I don’t even remember I had. I have lived in this room for around eighteen years. Never realised how much I got in those years. I changed the music to some Loft vibe music and set my focus on boxing and unboxing again. One shelf left, the one with the most values in my entire room. There are a lot of pics, one from my graduation, one from Jesse attending Royal Holloway for the first time, one with a not so happy family and yes, I did rip my dad out of it, trophies and certificates as well as a collection of pics with Jesse as well as with Lucia. I took the picture I framed before out of the box and took a slightly smaller one to proper store all of these memories. I found a cute pastel pink ribbon to secure the box, took a pink sticky note and wrote “!fragile, pls be gentle!” In a bold font of the note before sticking it to the box. I placed it on top of one of the smaller box towers next to a plant, which is held in a self-made macramé mesh and used to hang from my sealing window next to my fairy lights, which are now tangled up somewhere in those boxes. That’s it, within a week, this room will be empty. Or already occupied by something my mum has in mind. Truth is, she’ll be pretty alone once I’m gone. And if love is genetic, she will stay single for a while. I’ve never had an official boyfriend, at least not one I’d count to that. There is more experience to prove the fact that I like boys. But that’s all, no deeper connection, no hard feelings, most of the time we barely even talk. I looked over to my phone. Four am. Well, now I know why I took these weeks off work, so I can focus on the move. I got out of my jumper and crawled onto my bed. 

Orrr come one for fuck sake, not again. I stretched my leg to reach my phone, which is laying on the floor about four feet away from the bed. I almost fell out of bed when my toes finally hit the screen of my phone. I reached out a little further and with a hard pull I managed to kick it under my bed. I took a disappointing look towards the middle of my room before getting upside down and grabbed it. Now it’s chill time. I plugged in my phone and browsed through a variety of social media until I eventually fell asleep, around 6am, in the morning. 

Fun am I right? I’m not even tired. Well, not anymore.

#unboxing #memories #moving #blog.reflection

[dysporhicliving]

He told me things I’d never heard in my life, things that took me 2 years to finally take in, and believe, and to trust. I called him every second of the day. When I was working, when I was grocery shopping, when I was driving, anything at all I found an excuse to talk to him. Our conversations lasted hours. We even slept on the phone together. All of my friends knew him. My family met him. He made multiple trips halfway across the state to stay with me. He slept near me for a week when I couldn’t even let good friends of mine stay for a few days. He was my true best friend. My platonic soulmate.

I don’t know what happened. I think I had something to do with it. I was in love with someone who was grooming me and I didn’t even know it. Sure, I’d been told multiple times, but I’m not gonna believe it until it was too late. I guess that’s what happened. I spent more nights at his house. More time sleeping next to him, calling him, spending my free time with him that eventually I didn’t have time to call my best friend as often anymore. We spoke frequently still. I called him often, but not as much. I worked full time, my social life was peaking, and I was attending college.

Needless to say, I got busy. And so did he. He made more friends besides me, his church life became more and more frequent, and he was off chasing significant others that were bad for him. We spoke less. A few days a week, at most. I didn’t mind. I missed him, of course, but I understood he had other people in life besides me. And well, I don’t know what went wrong, but he became harder to talk to. Our conversations became life updates that neither of us approved of each other. I was still consumed in someone who was using me, and he was loving someone who was breaking him apart. He became angry. He lost his humor that we bonded so heavily with.

It turned into days. And then, 2 weeks. We didn’t reach out to each other. I assumed it was over. And I found myself moved on. Angry? Yeah, but I kept pushing on in life. Then I woke up to a phone call of a mutual friend. He’s missing. He ran away, and stopped talking to everyone. He called it an Irish goodbye, but I think he wanted attention in a certain way.

It broke me. Someone who I valued so much, easily left my life without hesitation to run away with someone he’d known for only a few months. I’d been abandoned. Again.

He reached out a few weeks later to open my paragraph describing my hurt and anger. He tried reconciling, but I wasn’t having it. The damage had been done. It was irreversible.

He tries to reach out every now and then to say hi. To see what I’m up to, and how I’m doing. I try and reply, but with vague answers. Unintentionally, I guess. I just find it so hard to talk to him like we used to. I accidentally went 2 weeks without opening his message, because I couldn’t bring myself to reply to him. He reaches out some more, and I think he can tell how much damage our friendship had taken at this point.

I got a paragraph from him. A life update, a check up, and he told me how much he loved me still. He still thinks about me. He still misses me. He still considers me his best friend. He wants to stay in touch more. He thinks of me when he hears certain songs. This time, I could reply. I thanked him, and told him he still meant a lot to me. But that was it. I didn’t reciprocate. Because none of what he said was true.

He lied to me. Sometimes I wonder if he’s been lying longer than I know. Every “I love you”. Every “I miss you”. Bullshit. You don’t care anymore. You feel bad because you know you did wrong. You haven’t loved me in a long time. And you never will again.

I can’t ever believe anyone’s “I love you” again. I don’t feel anything. The warm feeling in my chest disappeared a long time ago. I’ve convinced myself everyone’s lying to me when they compliment me. Everyone. Even my own girlfriend. Everything’s just black and white now. I don’t even believe anything I say to her. I fear I don’t truly mean it. I mean, I think I do. I don’t know. I’m too beyond messed up to even go down that rabbit hole.

I lay awake now, ignoring my girlfriends texts. Ignoring her paragraphs. Ignoring her sweet gestures. Because it annoys me. Not because of the action itself, but because I’m sitting there reading it and believing she’s spewing that from her ass. How could anyone love me? How could she adore me? Simple. She doesn’t. And now, my life is over. I will never be loved. I will never love. Not after every single abandonment.

I guess I’ve always been destined to be alone.

[thekleesh]

Hey what’s up Tumblr it’s been a little while

I haven’t made an actual post besides reblogging my girlfriend’s art on here in a good few years and I figured with seeing how Twitter is doing these days, now might be a good time to post a big-ass update.

NUMBER ONE:

My YouTube channel is doing well! I just posted this big huge sexy video about emulation and why you should do it and why it isn’t illegal (if you do it the right way). I’m super proud of it. Check it out!

In addition, I have uploaded a few other videos since my last post that I think (most of) are pretty cool, so if you enjoy this one I implore you to give the rest of my channel a shot.

Here’s one of my favorites.

Here’s another one for good measure.

NUMBER TWO:

Since my last post, I have also made a significant change to the way my streams are broadcasted. Up until last month, I used Twitch for all of my streaming endeavors. I did decently well for myself, met some great people, made some amazing friends, and even received a handful of payouts. I already made a big announcement video going into greater detail about this, but the short version is I am no longer on Twitch. I decided I didn’t like splitting my attention between Twitch and YouTube, so I have fully moved over to streaming on YouTube. It was a big change considering how long I’ve been on Twitch, but I am confident in my decision.

If you would like to see the farewell stream I did announcing all of this and going into greater detail as well as answering some questions, that’s right here.

NUMBER THREE:

I have been doing art still! I don’t do it particularly often, but I have a couple pieces I’m willing to share with you today. I’ll likely make separate posts for these later on, but I’ll stick them here in the meantime to make my post look longer than it actually is.

The first one is Marie from Splatoon! This is part of a collab I did with @skyeroxy where she sketched both Squid Sisters, and we each painted one. I am incredibly happy with how the collab turned out and I think I did a good job with Marie. I would hope so, because she’s my favorite.

Earlier in the year I also took a crack at drawing Captain Amelia from Treasure Planet. I rewatched the movie on a whim one day and each time I do it only solidifies the fact that it’s my favorite animated Disney movie, it just doesn’t get old.

Once again, these (and a few others) will get their own posts probably later in the week.

NUMBER FOUR:

Just kidding there isn’t a fourth point. I would just like to reiterate that yes, I will likely be more active on here than I have been. Even if Twitter doesn’t fizzle out in the next few days I really enjoy the much more relaxed atmosphere that exists on this site, so I’ll probably spend less time on Twitter and more time here regardless of what happens.

I have two blogs, there’s this one and my side blog.

I will reserve this blog for serious announcements like videos and maybe stream alerts (which will be deleted after the corresponding streams have concluded). My side blog is for frequent reblogging of things I enjoy like video games, memes, cool art, you get the idea. Basically retweeting on cocaine. If Twitter really truly does go down in a pit of flames, I’ll use my main account (this one) to post random bullshit thoughts and opinions and jokes and whatever else I do on my Twitter currently.

Aaaand for good measure, some links:

YouTube (Main Channel) // (Live)

YouTube (Stream Archive)

TikTok (FUCK this website I just post clips from my streams on it)

Twitter (A bit redundant to put this here but hey, it’s here)

I am technically available on other sites, like my Twitch account is still around, but these are the ONLY ones where you’ll find me active in any capacity. I still use Twitch but only as a viewer these days.

I’m working on a new public Discord server as well, I’ll post the invite to that when I feel it is ready. It’s coming along.

Alright, that’s it. Thank you for reading.

:]

#thekleesh #update #youtube #twitch #tiktok #twitter