#I don't have an English degree I just watch too much Youtube

[allisoooon]

Why your TUA questions might not get answered

Lots of people are asking what the marigolds are, who the creatures were who created the universe/Hotel Oblivion, how the 43 kids came to be or what their genetic makeup is, and a bunch of other stuff like that.  So I’ma make as short a post as I can about hard vs. soft worldbuilding.

Hard worldbuilding: Your world has languages fully written, a detailed history, cultures, tons of notes on shit that will never make it into your finished product; basically, you’ve made your world as fully fleshed-out as you possibly can so that if a question comes up as you write, you already know the answer.  Example: the works of Tolkien.

Soft worldbuilding: Your world has just enough details to imply the existence of much, much more than is on the page/screen/whatever.  The gaps are filled by the reader/viewer’s imagination.  Example: Star Wars.

Do we know what the economy of the wood-elves is like?  Yes, they are hunter-gatherers who have limited trade with the outside and don’t really do metalwork, PETER JACKSON!  Do we know how the fuck Coruscant is habitable when it’s just one big city?  No, and we don’t care.  We just know that Coruscant exists, people inhabit it, so there must be something in place to keep the entire thing from melting like the Wicked Witch of the West.

When you try to introduce hard worldbuilding elements into a soft worldbuilding system, or worse, hard magic system elements into a soft magic system, you get shit like midichlorians.  It’s out of place, answers a question they never needed to answer, and ruins the mystique.

The TUA comics are just about as clear-cut an example of soft worldbuilding as you can get.  How does an entire race of talking chimps exist?  Why is a goldfish Five’s boss?  WTF there are suddenly vampires in this universe?

The show is pretty much the same, albeit in a world that is almost entirely like our own.  What city are they in?  Well, according to Reginald’s check stubs, they are in The City.  Where is The City?  A shot of a kugelwave suggests it’s around where Michigan, Indiana, and Ohio meet.  Where do the AMABs’ Y chromosomes come from?  Who the fuck cares?  How did Klaus create a new body for himself just by traveling to another dimension from the Void?  By being fucking powerful.

Who created the universe and gave it a reset button?  If you knew, instead of making the universe feel larger, it would almost certainly make it feel smaller.  The vague implication with Hargreeves and Hotel Oblivion is that there are other planets with their own societies, and some of these aliens are not to be trifled with.  Putting shape to those universe-makers limits them to being as powerful and frightening as canon makes them.  Leaving them unseen limits them only to our imaginations.

So if your specific worldbuilding questions aren’t answered in the show, it’s not a plot hole--it’s soft worldbuilding.  That’s just how it goes.  A plot hole isn’t an unanswered question, anyway, it’s an internal consistency error.

#tua meta #the umbrella academy #literally no one asked #some person with multiple english degrees is going to rightfully correct like 85% of what I just wrote #I don't have an English degree I just watch too much Youtube

[bellaaldamas]

I just wanted to say, thank you and the other fans from this part of the GoW fandom.

In a place full of trolls and gamerbros who turn characters that they deem annoying into irredeemable, useless bitches (Freya, Angrboða) and characters they do like are reduced to either prize for someone (Thrúd, Sif and somehow, Freya again) or into their masculinity idol (Kratos, whom they only accept as the testosterone caricature godkiller and his development seen as creators turning him soft. This claim is at it's peak with Ragnarok, but it was there back in 2018 such as wanting Kratos to beat or even kill Atreus for "acting like a brat". What a horrible mindset!) - It's nice to have a side with people who are welcoming, creative and genuinely fun to interact with.

Your analyses - both fandom and in-game inputs - are a delight to read. They're beautifuly written, intelligent and well formulared, I always feel smarter after reading them.

Apologies if you prefer to discuss this in DMs, I wanted others to read this too.

I wish you a wonderful rest of your day/night 💛

Thank you so much for this message, this kind of feedback truly makes existing in this - and, admittedly, other fandoms - worth it. Your summary of my ramblings genuinely took me by surprise as I haven't been "conventionally" active in the fandom intentionally due to negative past experiences with other fandoms. Those occasional inputs I do come up with are mainly hastily written bursts in broken English.

I don't make a secret out of the fact that in my experience all fandoms, definitely not just Gow(R), are toxic to varying degrees due to trolls employing the very same tactic everywhere they go. For one, it's creating the illusion of dominance of their opinion in terms of quantity (as they have no arguments to back up their stance other than canon twisting nonsense they clearly realize that "quality" is not their strong suit). To attain that, they resort to a number of other tactics typically used by abusers both online and in real life.

As such, whenever trolls see intelligent and thoughtful people refuting their "points" they know they cannot come up with a single canon compliant rebuttal. Therefore they dog-pile in droves as to wear down the opponent who inevitably has to stop responding to them at some point. Because a logical person who dedicates time and thought to formulate an argument, fact checks and brings up evidence and quotes from the source material simply cannot withstand a wave of unhinged trolling coming at them left, right and center. They certainly cannot respond to each ridiculous one line statement of the trolls (such as the types of statements you bring up, in the vein of "Freya is a b1tch, she should've DyEd instead of He**d*all!!11!!") by typing out a thorough and researched response each time. As it would require not just spending hours on it but repeating themselves numerous times over.

The above behavior from trolls is what caused me personally a burnout from the fandom culture overall and led to my taking a distance. When I engage with people in online communities I tend to avoid blanket statements and try to always back up my points with examples from canon. Trolls don't need any of that and always dismiss those points or, at best, make it look like they acknowledge them (by quoting back). But instead of replying with canon facts they resort to Strawman Arguments or Ad Hominem.

In Gow(R) and other gaming fandoms there's also the matter of the trolls looking for "backup" in the form of big bloggers/reviewers who express, in some respects, a view of the plot and characters similar to them. Which trolls use as another "proof" their opinion is supposedly held by the majority. But the uncomfortable - for them and those reviewers - truth is that YouTube community (a cesspool of trolling as of now) represents hardly even 1 percentage of the general audience (one that pays actual money for the games). Which at most passively watches some of those videos, mainly when they have a click baiting title.

A prime example is that "viral" video with millions of views about Atreus supposedly "having a crush on Thrud". Looking at the comment section it becomes obvious that the people leaving humorous and lighthearted remarks don't take the video or the title statement seriously. Whereas the actual trolls who consider Atreus a "selfish little runt" (c) but somehow good enough to be a prize/reward for Thrud (whom they either sexualize or treat as their girlboss self insert); and who deny that Atreus and Angrboda is the only canon budding romance arc in the series are the same four or five people/nicknames. Who can be observed under other Atreus/Angrboda videos with their nonsense.

Furthermore, trolls actively participated in making the "Atreus and Thrud" piece viral in the comment section for at least one Atreus/Angrboda tribute video by mentioning the AT video and the amount of views it has. And openly insisting it somehow "proves that the fans want" Atreus and Thrud as a romantic arc for Atreus - the very same character they consider unworthy of being a secondary protagonist let alone becoming the main lead of the series or having his own spin off. But, as noted, they believe him to be acceptable enough to become a trophy man for their preferred girlboss.

That in turn brings us to another issue of male characters absolutely also being susceptible to objectification and being reduced to love interests and plot devices for female characters whom fandom minority treats as a part of their personal power fantasy. Atreus hating trolls originally didn't even deny they hated Angrboda "by association" with Atreus - thus even they initially admitted she was intended as his potential romantic partner by the narrative - because women to them are just men's extensions/accessories. But when they realized this argument makes it very easy to dismiss them for the bitter misogynists that they are they changed the tactic (also classic troll pattern) and started to distort canon in order to invent "arguments" to justify not just their Atreus hating but also their Angrboda hating stance.

To "warm up" they originally started calling Angrboda a "woke points character" which I cannot stress enough is utterly laughable when coming from Atreus/Thrud shippers. Because if there is a woke points or fan-service character in GowR it would be Thrud and Heimdall, respectively. They're the only ones who could be either removed entirely (Thrud) or replaced/have their screentime reduced to one or two scenes and the story would've been exactly the same. Thrud's Valkyrie aspirations have no influence on the plot whatsoever and are a complete filler. I'm saying this not because I dislike either of them but because it's an objective fact that smashes troll arguments flat.

Then there is the matter of the trolls being unable to stand the fact that interactions with Angrboda is Atreus's healthiest and most positive relationship in the story. It especially challenged them that Angrboda always valued Atreus's personal choices and didn't once question him (even when she disagreed with his train of action), his moral character or his right to take his own independent decisions (on the contrary, Thrud questioned his every move and deemed him untrustworthy the moment he made one, genuine mistake with Garm - and the trolls deemed it admirable because "finally someone put that little runt in place"; they don't actually ship Atreus and Thrud, they ship their own aggression and disdain towards Atreus projected onto Thrud).

Angrboda let Atreus exercise his agency (another troll nightmare as they cannot stand the very idea of Atreus having any) even when his actions went directly against her mother's words about the giant marbles or against the prophesy itself. That is, despite Angrboda considering the prophesy which killed both of her parents her lifeline. And believing that delivering said prophesy and the giant souls to Loki was her one and only mission in the existence full of loneliness (years of not speaking to another person, per Angrboda's own admission). As well as full of hard labor she had to engage in daily at a strikingly young age (purely out of love and sense of responsibility for every living thing in Ironwood) because there was no one around to help her (Atreus understandably expressed astonishment and admiration at that which Angrboda appreciated but - which is no less important - pointed out they're the same age; implying that she knows and acknowledges Atreus/Loki has gone through a lot himself and fared well). Even Angrboda's grandmother broke due to challenges that only made Angrboda more caring and compassionate.

Which is another point worth addressing about fandom culture because it tends to put down gentle and vulnerable girls and women as "unfeminist". Modern "feminism" has little to do with woman empowerment or rights and is a repackaged patriarchy that praises women/female characters as strong and independent only when they take the aggressor and conqueror mantle from a man.

Kratos fell a victim of a similar thinking on part of both the gamebro AND the "progressive" segment of the fandom. I realize Tumblr is not ready yet for that conversation, but masculinity is not inherently toxic and neither is femininity. What both gamebros and woke types cannot handle is that Kratos's development and Angrboda's character represent the type of masculinity and femininity, respectively, that isn't imposed on them by the sexist society but that is based completely on their free will and life experience. Moreover, Thrud is the one who was heavily influenced by the toxic environment she grew up in. Therefore considering her a "feminist icon" is both factually wrong and unwise (even if we discount her "treacherous ex wife" comment in regards to Freya because that was ALSO a part of Odin's toxic influence that she can now, hopefully, work through and move on from).

But the most delightful part is that none of those troll views and arguments have proven to matter at all. GowR developers went on to do literally every single thing trolls dreaded. Freya was not made into a "big bad b!tch who deserved to be killed by Kratos for being a less than perfect mother" (even though not only was Kratos the furthest thing from the father of the year in Gow18 but as you note, the very same people wouldn't object to physical violence against Atreus at his hands). Kratos continued to work towards healthier existence and carving a better path. Angrboda remained an emotionally mature, loving, caring and independent person with a potential of her relationship with Atreus going further in the following installments. Atreus is clearly set up to have his own spin off or remain a secondary protagonist or even become the main protagonist next game. That in and of itself is a prime example of how irrelevant trolls and their entitled demands are in the grand scheme of things.

That being said, as I always point out, we should keep in mind we cannot control media we consume, only our experience with it. A healthy emotional distance from it is the only way to avoid stress if/when the writers come up with decisions we might not like or find offensive. Mental well being should be our priority and media created by others should never define us.

Thank you again for this positive and inspiring message. Have a great and fulfilling time yourself <3

#reply #countlessofvoids #text

[fiercynn]

As it usually happens on here, we become fans of things by osmosis if we didn't seek it out for ourselves. So I've been following you for a bit and I have finally crossed the threshold from "this person I follow really loves this media and I love seeing their love for it on my dash, so glad they're having fun" over to "I wanna have fun, too." And that's all thanx to @thatgothsamurai's photobooth art.

So, I hope you can guide me on where I should start with patpran and inkpa, and the rest. Like, are they on separate shows that crossover? A spinoff? Like, what's going on, where do I start, how do I watch. Like you, I'm in the US. Any suggestions are appreciated.

AAAAAAAH THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY and thank u @thatgothsamurai for the amazing fanart as always (the photobooth fanart in question, a classic in the fandom)

okay so both patpran and inkpa are canon pairings from the thai bl bad buddy and its related special episodes! all are produced by the thai production company gmmtv.

the show and all related episodes are available to watch on youtube with english subtitles - i'll link to relevant playlists.

THE MAIN SHOW: BAD BUDDY THE SERIES

directed by "aof" noppharnach chaiyahwimhon (who is gay himself), and starring "nanon" korapat kirdpan as pran, and "ohm" pawat chittsawangdee as pat. the original show is twelve episodes, which aired from october 2021 to january 2022. i watched it for the first time in february 2022 and have not known peace every since

the premise is that pat and pran, who have lived next door to each other since birth, have been rivals all their lives because their families hate each other. after pran's sent off to boarding school for three years, they are unexpectedly reunited at university - where they find that their friend groups are also enemies, so they have to keep up the pretense of hating each other. but of course they fall in love instead!

the main story is about patpran, but inkpa is a canon side pairing featuring "love" pattranite limpatiyakorn as pa, pat's younger sister, and "milk" pansa vosbein as ink, a classmate of pat and pran's. though they get less screentime, i still think they have a delightful romantic arc themselves!

SPECIAL EPISODES

zero photography: an inkpa special episode that is set after the main show. directed by "tee" bundit sintanaparadee, whom i don't know much about, and aired in august 2022

our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars: so our skyy 2 was an anthology of special episodes released between april and june 2023 for a bunch of different gmmtv bls. each show was supposed to have two special eps for their characters, but since two shows directed by p'aof were getting special eps (the other one being a tale of thousand stars, also a delightful show), he decided to use four episodes as a crossover of the two shows. in the bad buddy timeline, these eps take place during a timeskip that happens in the original show between episodes 11 and 12, and features patpran but has a few great inkpa appearances too. you don't really need to have seen atots to understand the eps, i don't think? but they probably are more enjoyable if you have haha

EXTRAS

"just friend" music video: nanon sings two songs on the bad buddy soundtrack, and ohm sings one for our skyy 2, all of which have music videos, but i'm linking to this song of nanon's particularly because the music video its own story unrelated to the show at all! it's very cute and is basically an au where they are employees at the same hotel (and in love of course)

23.5 degrees the series: this is not technically related to bad buddy, but milk and love are going to be starring in gmmtv's first full-length gl, 23.5 degrees, which will be directed by "fon" kanittha kwunyoo (who i believe is a lesbian)! thai gls are just starting to get attention and backing by the major tv studios, and milklove's known chemistry from playing inkpa, as well as an exciting supporting cast and director, are making everyone super excited for this

there are also TONS of behind-the-scenes and making-of extras if you get into the show but i figured this was enough to start with :D

let me know if you have questions about any of this! i'm not sure how familiar you are with thai media or fandoms, so definitely happy to share/explain more as would be helpful! <3

#bad buddy #bad buddy explainer #patpran #inkpa #zero photography #our skyy x bad buddy x a tale of thousand stars #our skyy 2 #our skyy x bad buddy #just friend mv #23.5 degrees #thank you for the ask this made me so happyyyyyyy #ask me things #id in alt text #original #asking me answering you

[burnadicarwoz]

I watched this pilot for a show on YouTube called "ongezellig" or unsociable, roughly. Found it by scrolling on reddit and seeing a meme about how tied the shows fandom is to 4chan and generally offensive some of it is (not my words btw, and to be clear, they conveyed this through hitler beatboxing)

Course, I read the title and was intrigued so I clicked on some links, found the show was Dutch, but then found English subtitles and was saved. Watched the whole thing, which was like 20 minutes long, and felt.. diffrent after. The show struck a cord with me, one I rarely get now.

Most shows or media in general I like to consume will have characters I like, obviously. But that's mainly because I *want* to be them. Majima from yakuza, vaas from far cry, Harry from disco to a degree even. Love them all, and they all act so freely and with so much joy that I can't help but want to literally BE them. I want to not give a fuck and be happy like them.

BUT. then you have characters like yusuke from persona, Harry again (I'm obsessed), bojack horseman (especially to a degree) and now, maya from ongezellig. All these guys and gal get stuck in me head and heart for 1 thing they have that the previous characters didn't. **I see myself In all of them, the actual me.** the weirdness and outgoing of yusuke, the guilt and day to day shittyness with horseman, the urge to keep wanting to try in a failed and hopeless world with Harry. And now, the isolation, comfortable loneliness and nervous tingles (occasionally) from maya.

And with this, I don't want to be her. Rather, I want to be around them, talk to them. When I see myself in a character, that's investment. That's when a character goes from well written to emotionally gripping. Because it's not just them, but you, who need to succeed. And I love love love when stories can do this to me. Not only does it get you to look at your own life critically, but now there's someone who's great and who just gets you.

So, aside from testing my essay and storytelling here (how was it, bad? Good? Would drive again) I also wanted to just say thank you to the people at studio mazza, as well as its creator for creating this wonderful show. I checked your Dutch version of patron out, glad to see you ain't ghosted the internet. And I hope that someday, you will get the recognition you deserve and that more can watch so the show goes from underrated to just rated (the dream, I know.)

So one more time, check out ongezellig on youtube, its subtitled in like 80 languages. And thank you, from my heart to studio mazza for creating maya. That absolute wreck will forever be one of the few who took my heart, and stayed in it too.

#ongezellig #personal essay #yeah why not thats what this is at this point #also its like 20 mins so even if you dont like it it aint like that much time was spent anyway

[lawlietscaramels]

I think you and 🍰 have mentioned it before, but I’d love to hear your thoughts about the way the musical portrays L. The concept album was my introduction to Death Note as well, but I feel like the L in the songs is a much more dramatic take on L? Which, y’know, makes sense, since it’s ✨musical theatre✨ and all. Like, “The Game Begins” is SO fun, but we’d never get a monologue like it from L in the manga or anime. Idk, the musical paints a bit of a different image of L to me. Not a bad one at all, just a different one.

-🎲

holy space cows 🎲 anon okay let's go! again answering this before my other asks because it's more me rambling than an actual story

GOOOOOD musical L when I first watched the musical I wanted to pick him up take him out of the screen and squeeze him like a stress ball. honestly I loved (love?) him maybe even more than anime L dhdhhdh

I'll put a break in here because I think I'm gonna say a lot

like. he did so many things like anime L (I've never read the manga so I see that L as "base" L) but also I feel had his own quirks. like how he hopped onto chairs (Teen Angst L did this too but because it was screen not stage it felt different. I've done stage acting before so maybe it's just me but screen doesn't feel as close, I just loooove stage acting, UGH. This was also why it was more dramatic in some places, you have to act for the whole audience but, I'm assuming you didn't see it live, WAIT have you even watched the recorded version?? It's on YouTube it's sooo good the subtitles are great too, you can sing along to the songs. it's in Japanese tho. Anyway my point was going to be, because you're acting for people really far away, your movements will be big and dramatic and you'll notice this if it's recorded up close).

HIS VOICE WAS SO NICE TOO like damn this is a fine ass man. His songs, I agree looking back at them they aren't all things anime L would say, especially not unprompted. But I don't think that it was so far out of character that it was unbelievable, you know? I actually think that though yes, the Game Begins was dramatic, that was just the song and not the tone of it, if that makes sense. I'd say songs like Playing His Game and (I can't remember the name but the one LawLight duet they sing at the college? not the tennis one. UGH I know the Japanese...) Anyway, I'd say those songs are more ooc. Cause I think L sees all of his cases as a game, his job as a game. Like yes he cares about human life but he also only takes on interesting cases. I've heard this is more like his manga version, which is kinda cool that this "headcanon" of mine is "canon."

AHAHA anyway the point I was actually going to make with that paragraph was: in the final song (a little ooc but in some lines very in character) L holds this one "O" note that makes me go WEAK IN THE KNEES and of course Light is singing over it at the same time, sobs. This is in the Japanese version. I prefer that version overall, but I like some of the English songs too, like Playing His Game and Requiem. So if you haven't listened to it YOU SHOULD!! It's on YouTube music, you can search up english song name + death note musical. A lot of them are by "LyricNear" I think. and you can ofc watch the full musical. but aaaa the final song breaks my heart but I have to listen to that goddamn note... you guys... you don't understand.

Uh, the musical did of course take some creative liberties. There was no Matsuda which I will always bring up because it is a crime, MUSICAL REMISA WAS THE BEST, the limited runtime cut plots and explanations (I kind of appreciated the ending, though I cried because I was hoping it would end differently), and I don't think they had a Watari. Actually thinking about that, that's probably the most ooc L thing in the whole movie: being able to take care of himself. (well presumably to some degree considering he's still alive at the start)

But yeah... I love musical L... I don't mind when he's ooc because it only disrupts soft headcanons of mine, not hard ones. I also haven't watched it for a while so I may be misremembering some things, but still. Gosh I really want to hug him... his clothes look so soft.... maybe I'll just steal his voice box/j

#lei chats #lei's lawliet #musical L is literally the sun and moon and stars to me #death note #death note musical #l lawliet #dn #death note headcanons #death note hc #death note l #rambles #death note the musical #so many thoughts #🎲 anon #anons

[yubellia]

Some of my Thoughts about Lila Rossi/ Cerise (Miraculous Ladybug)

Hi. For the people who know me already, yes I also like Miraculous. For the people who don't know me, hi. I thought I talk about Miraculous for once.

Befor we really go in, I would like to say, that I am not a hardcore Fan. I don't watch all the episodes but I know the most important lore to follow the plot. Also for those who are new here, english is just my second language so I am sorry for any mistakes.

I want to talk about Lila, because she will be the villain of season 6 (most likely) and I have a theory about her. My next post would be about her and this theory.

Please don't rip me apart, I know I won't get many friends with this but I always liked Lila/Cerise or whoever she is. There. I said it.

Why? Well, not only did i like her look but I also liked the fact, that she never got played by the writers of the show. With that I mean that she never got an 'almost redemption arc' like Chloe. They never gave us hope, that she would be a hero, only to drop her. No. Every time she showed up, we knew that something bad would happen.

(In my opinion, she would have made a better wielder for the fox miraculous. I like Volpina much better. Lies and Illusions are her thing. Not Alya.)

But anyway. I have to admit, that after she got tricked by Sabrina and Marinette, so after she became Cerise, things got better for her character.

I think many people did not like her, because her lies are so easy to see for us. We follow Marinette. We already know, what she is up to. So seeing everyone acting so stupid the moment she starts speaking is annoying.

But than, we learned the truth. Or at least we learned something about her. Many fans of the show joked about how big her forehead must be and that she wore a wig. And guess what? It is a wig!! We were just joking here!

But what made this moment so special? You can see youtubers react to this part of the episode. They seem to be confused and shocked. Why? (besides them acting to some degree?) Because we thought we had her figured out to some degree. Yes she had at least 3 Mothers and we all were wondering how she did that but we did not see that coming! This moment is special because we learned, that we can throw everything we thought we knew about her out of the window. We did know little to nothing about her, just like the characters. She could be a grown woman in a child's body for all we know. (like in that movie 'Orphan'). She had us fooled too and that is why in this moment, she became much better as a character in my opinion.

As Cerise, we learned just how dangerous this girl could be. She controlled Chloe like a trained dog and got what she wanted without anyone knowing anything! By the end of the season, she got the butterfly miraculous and will join Marinette again at school with a new identity.

On that note, I would like to point something out about the ending, where we see something appear behind her and hear her scream. Not sure if anyone pointed that out but we don't see Nooroo anywhere in that scene. She has the Miraculous but where is Nooroo? Could it be, that that was just Nooroo being forced to join her since she got the miraculous now? Nooroo could never leave when Gabriel had it after all. Or, now that the new Miraculous Paris special came out, it could be 'the supreme'. But i won't go into that.

Anyway, these are some of my thoughts about Lila/Cerise. I hope the writers won't waste her in season 6. My next post will be about a little theory i have about her. See you soon!

#miraculous ladybug #lila rossi #Miraculous Ladybug Thoughts #Miraculous Lila #Miraculous Cerise

[absolutebl]

Hello again! Forgive me if you've talked about this before with me, I have the memory of a goldfish. Faraway Wanderers book spoiler question ahead, (if you haven't read the book this won't really apply to the show Word of Honor):

What are your thoughts on Zhou Zishu and his willingness to enter into a relationship with Wen Kexing? For the majority of the novel Tian Ya Ke, he seems to be interested in and annoyed by and tolerant of and amused by Wen Kexing, but even at the moment when the two "get together" at the end, it seems he's still reluctant. As a reader that feels unsatisfying and maybe uncomfortable that he only gets to the point of tolerating Wen Kexing's physical sexual contact. Did I miss something earlier? I know he doesn't mind physical touch in general from WKX over time, but I am curious about your thoughts. Thank you!

Hi Hi!

Sorry I don't read OC 90% of the time. Occasionally something will come out of Japan where I have actually read the manga but only if it had print publication in the USA.

I didn't even know danmei existed until my dash blew up with Untamed. Cdramas were probubly the last piece of Asian content I picked up, and I still dither over watching them.

I went something like:

Yaoi -> JBL (forgot about it) (distracted by life) emotional crisis -> YouTube -> Thai BL + (Kpop) -> Taiwanese BL -> Pinoy BL & Vietnamese BL -> grey sites and illegal content acquisition -> (Korean dramas via Kpop) -> Viki sub -> KBL -> JBL rediscovery (GaGa sub & back catalogue) -> Cdramas (mostly on the perennial hunt of noona romances and because of the pretty robes).

Some of the early CBLs were sprinkled in there when I found them on YT but I didn't really think of them as belonging to a greater oeuvre until much later when I started seriously blogging here and decided to spend all of 2020 watching every scrap of BL content I could get hold of (and developing a tracking system for it).

Frankly the film side took all my focus.

But also, one of my degrees focused on literature so OC (Y-novels or danmai etc...) and fanfic have never been my thing. What I find tolerable or amusing in captions and graphic adaptations, I find intolerable in the full written translation form. Broadly speaking, the characters and plot aren't enough to distract me from problematic prose. (And by that I mean just sentence structure, repeat word use, incorrect word choices, odd grammar.) And before you ask yes I include Twilight, 50 Shades, and quite a few English pillars of fandom in this mix.

Which is not to say I don't enjoy commercial fiction, just that i prefer it if the English is well written at core. Which usually means the translator needs to have English as their first language or be entirely bilingual, and that's just really rare especially with OC BL content.

I know this makes me snobbish. I genuinely love so many other languages, particularly when spoken and as artifacts of socio cultural interaction/representation, but when I read something in English (and that's the only language I read fluently) I get too judgey and it limits my enjoyment.

What we have in English is an excess of nuance due excess vocabulary (and our predilection for bashing other languages on the head and ruthlessly stealing their words). I don't think, in its spoken form, that English is a very pretty language. But in its written form? Its beauty is in its capacity for nuance and flexibility, and a lot of directly translated stuff (particularly that which is done by or for fans) is awkward and almost brutal with my native tongue. It pains me to read and so I... don't.

Like there are subtle use pattern differences between many English words that the thesaurus claims are equal (dour/glum actually mean subtly different things, so too sullen vs surly). So picking the wrong one because you just never learned the alternative makes me wince. Also knowing when really only the original language word will work (like for honorifics) or when a very very old English word is a superior choice because of historical context.

I guess I just get annoyed because it feels clumsy and while I can readily forgive this one medium I can't in another.

Hang ups.

We all got 'em.

#asked and answered #BL in it's written form #translation challenges

[sapybara]

on the topic of differences between fandom culture in spanish and english communities, i think the main difference is that the hispanic community is much more lax and forgiving. it has a good side and a bad side. for example, ranb00s fandom often criticizes his actions to a meticulous degree making him feel constantly afraid to freely talk. instead, hispanic communities mostly don't give a fuck, which often leads to truly problematic behavior, but it also gives them more freedom in other areas

Yeah, it always rubbed me the wrong way how in this side of the community there's so many people digging up for stuff to set up CCs. I dont think I've even seen that one of the hispanic streamers I watch were called out for stuff like this. (And there's a lot of Questionable material in that sense)

Also, I've noticed how uhm, problematic? Some things are for the US community, that in the hispanic community aren't because words just have a different meaning culturally and socially speaking. Like, the other day Quackity was unsure if he could say certain words that V and Rubius kept repeating because in the US they are some kind of slurs (for what i understand) so he refused to say them because he didn't want them to be wrongly translated. I feel like hispanic community has less "taboo" words so it's a little more complicated to call out someone for using x word because in context you understand that is not with bad intentions or whatever.

It's not that hispanic communities don't give a fuck, I mean, Rubius was practically bullied out of YouTube in 2015 and when he moved to Andorra in 2020 the fucking National News complained about it. It's just that they've been here for so long and they've gotten so much shit (for other reasons) when they first blew up (think about 2014/15), that rn everyone is more chill. I think that eventually that will happen with dtkq too, it's just that when people see someone successful they want to throw them down. Antis will get tired at some point, we just need to wait a little.

#also again they are SO YOUNG for the platform they've got #we all said fucked up shit when we were edgy teenagers or if we were in the toxic gaming community as G said #Im not justifying anything that was said NOW im saying that in the past this kind of behavior was the norm (which doesn’t make it less bad) #but you can see how they got rid of that way of thinking. #Give them space to grow and to learn. especially with the teenagers; we have to call them out if needed but not in a hateful way but in a #'Hey this thing you say yesterday on stream was not cool for X and Y reasons. Please dont repeat them because its offensive' way

[kyrodo]

Some people take their time to get to know someone, others are fucking psychotic. I don't care if someone is being extra, head canony, or digging into themselves and trying to expose whatever their worst secrets are. I don't care if they're writing incoherent essays about me. I don't care if they can't seem to leave me alone when their time is up. I will never treat anyone the same way you treated me.

It's funny how despite the fact that I was the one spied on, I still know more about you than you know about me. I didn't earn my degree in bullying yet. Does being mad in response to bullshit count?

Humans are multi-faceted creatures, and the sides we see are the ones we deserve. You ever wanted to see the side Red and Choskey sees of me you have to earn that shit. Lying to my face every possible chance you get is a shitty way of doing that. I know how stupid it was for me to play things up every time I was about to interact with you directly, but I still didn't deserve what you put me through. It's the small things that piss you off huh? You don't like when people put their anxiety on display. Enough to find out where they sleep.

I never got to show you the real side of me without the dramaticness, but you adamantly refused to use real words in the first place. You get what you deserve.

The R who doesn't care if someone is fixing their ps4 or not. You think I wasn't ticked off that you were spamming the impatient Gengar memes not a day after I told you why we couldn't play yet? I am so fucking done with you. You're the type who only cares about results. You want everything now, it can't fucking wait. I reminded Red every single day that I wanted him to do the repair when we got home from work and getting him to do anything with his adhd is a pain. He would always go off to watch YouTube or play mobile games, do chores or go to bed day in day out weekend or not no matter how many times I pushed him. But no you don't fucking care. You always assume I'm holding out on you or some shit, because the whole world revolves around you. The fact that that is what escalated into the hacking is some of the saddest shit I've ever seen. You're so unbelievably fucking stupid.

You hacked me, you could see through my Fucking webcam, you could even hear Red, and you still had the nerve to say it was all a lie, you total fucking retard. Your capacity for denial is fucking rich. Oh look I could have bought it online and I ended up doing that, whoopdee doo. On my sister's ps4 that I never used on a personal level before it was broken and lent to me. I had an inkling it had something like the Nintendo store but I didn't know for sure. I can infer infer infer I didn't try. I didn't even look it up. I just wanted the repair done first before doing anything else with it and then things started going sour before I had the chance to. But you can't wait on shit, so much so that you'll hurt someone if they don't fucking play with you.

I had my anxieties about you, I take time to try new things. I am not a handyman, Red is the one who does all the repairs here. Red is the one who built my pc. I can only do so much to push him into doing anything, half the time we can't even go out the door to do a walk because he stalls with YouTube videos until it's too late to go out for anything. But you're the one who can't fucking wait. You, the one who can't speak a single word in straight fucking English. And the funny thing is, if you wanted context then you literally could have just fucking listened to me, because I could have sworn I went over that before you hacked me, in your dms. To you everything is a lie, even WHEN you see it in person. Dude wake the fuck up.

When will you ever fucking learn that what I have to say actually matters. I don't speak out of my fucking nose like you do. If you always have to see something I say to believe it there's no chance in hell we will ever get along. I don't know if you noticed but whether or not I'm picking out memories that are relevant to you, I seem to be pretty fucking consistent as far as what I say, even when I am defensive. But you had to go that far to figure it out huh? I don't live in a world surrounded by lies, because that's not my fucking territory. I ain't touching yours. I resorted to poetry in response to your subtext, because then I can exaggerate or make metaphorical references to things instead of taking a huge dump on the English language just to say you're going to 7 11 or some shit. I don't know why I ever took interest in you. I don't know why I got obsessed with you, but I guess I'd have to be pretty fucking desperate.

You want excessive discreetness, you found the wrong guy. I questioned it a lot, and that's why I kept making those passive aggressive stabs in the dark cause, i was confused. It doesn't make any fucking sense. There is no reason to go that far to cover up everything we say if we're just trying to be friends. And in respect to Red, you think meeting him or getting to know each other is not important for a poly? What the actual fuck were you even going for? That's why I likened you to a cult or satanist etc cause it honestly felt like a hazing. It felt like I was going through some kind of test for something I just happened to be doing the procedure for by accident. Because it didn't make sense to constantly cover every last thing we say like a coded message.

Everything was so extra and pointless I honestly wondered what I was getting into.

Why is it that people can just reply to you on Twitter with no strings attached like it's an everyday thing, and I can't? That was constantly on my mind and it pissed me off. You make it such a hassle to say anything straight up without suddenly getting upset at me and lying to me that I have to pretend like I'm meeting you for the first time. And nobody else has to do that, so why did I? In an ideal world we would have just hopped on discord in a voice call and it would have solved fucking everything, but seeing as all this shit happened, mission fail.

The funny thing is, if you simply didn't play stupid games with people you would have gotten along with me just fine. Did you ever stop to think about that? If you wanted to put me in my place cause I was overly eager emotionally, you still could have done that in a setting that isn't fucking stupid. Once you saw things in context, how massive was the revelation that you don't know how to fucking trust people worth shit.

And your blatant denial instinct is such a fucking dick to work with that I seriously wish you were anyone else. Dude I just can't. Accountability, what's that? I make it look so fucking easy don't I, so why can't you? Why do you constantly feel like you have to cover up every fucking thing you say. Why do you always avoid strict wording, why do you always magnetize towards double meanings and avoiding saying what we mean. Be vague, be open ended, be intangible at all times 24/7. It could be for you, it could be for someone else. The I mights and maybes and perhaps. I am so fucking done with you. Leaving you behind was the biggest breath of fresh air I ever had.

The world beneath my feet stopped being a sheet of thin ice made of possible outcomes and meanings that I could have gotten wrong. And I am fucking thriving. It's like having 20/20 vision. I am not only welcome in this present world but I know for sure that I am welcome. And had I gone with you instead, you would have been more than happy to leave me on continuous hold. To leave me doubting you and doubting myself. You are the very embodiment of everything you shouldn't do when you meet someone, and I thought I was bad. Imagine being someone who makes people feel good about themselves instead of leaving them with constant confusion and anxiety while simultaneously disbelieving every word anyone other than you says. You sap the very life and happiness out of people, why the fuck would I want to be with someone like you.

Being ambiguous with me is no longer acceptable. Someone is either straight with me or they are fucking gone. At least you taught me how to avoid bullshit. If I can't read on the lines with someone they are fucking gone. I am done having two conversations with the same person, especially when both conversations turn out to be fake. The moment someone tests me they've already failed mine. I am not a test subject. You either trust me or you don't and I'm not going to stick around if you can't figure it out. I am never going to deal with trash like you again. If someone can't treat me as an equal then I don't have to treat them at all.

I've proved myself on so many fucking levels now, but I am never going to subject myself to that again. I actually give a fuck about myself now and that shit doesn't fly around me.

Your are such a horrible person I can hardly believe you're even fucking real. You thought I'd be easy to shit on cause of some of the shit I used to say out loud about myself? You thought Red wasn't even a real boyfriend. You were so fucking wrong. You tried to take advantage of my depression, you are literally the worst person on the Fucking planet and I can't do shit to save you. I don't think I need your help anymore. I find it difficult to immerse myself when there is so much fucking bullshit.

All the wrong calls, all the wrong moves, all the wrong assumptions judgments and words, every fucking thing you can do wrong, you're always there. Get the fuck out of my life. Even when everything is laid bare I still play you like a fucking violin. Even when you try to use a gameshark you still lose, and it's fucking hilarious. There just isn't a single battlefield with me where you win is there? All the way down to just being a decent fucking person. You done trying to find something big to write me off for yet?

You get what you pay for bitch. Clearly I wasn't above saying things like "you owe me" or trying to get another commission/get approval from your friends to win you over, but I'm not the same bitch I was where you left me. The shit I do I can at least fucking adjust. You on the other hand, your entire personality needs a rework.

I will never be able to overstate the difference between you and me. Me looking at some shitty artwork in my downtime is the least of your concerns. The best you got for me is that I'm sus, then stay out of my fucking house.

[chill-that-ur-inmyhead]

1 - Are you interested in any reality TV shows? I really enjoy watching those shows when I am with friends but by myself not really.

2 - When was the last time you made plans with someone? What were you going to do with that person? Mother has booked a trip to Highclere Castle where Downton Abbey is set in August!

3 - How often (if ever) do you use moisturiser? Day and night

4 - Name five things you can touch from where you’re sitting right now: Candle, water bottle, vinyl records, scarf and hairspray  

5 - Have you had any of your wisdom teeth removed? What was the reason? (eg. infection, impaction, lack of space). I haven't

6 - What was the reason for your last hospital visit? I got a covid booster jab!

7 - Where was the last place you had an itch? legs!

8 - If you’re on a long car journey, would you rather drive or be the passenger? passenger but I will ofc do my fair share of the driving if needed

9 - What’s the earliest time you’ve had to wake up for work? What about the latest time you’ve clocked off for the day? For my current work 7am but I've had jobs where 6am starts meant getting up at 5am

10 - Do you use a laptop, desktop, tablet or phone to take your surveys? laptop since so much easier and my finger cramps up if I use my phone

11 - Are you fussy when it comes to how your surveys are formatted on your blog? Not at all

12 - How old were you when you first got internet access at home? Was it broadband or did you have dial-up first?  Since I can remember

13 - When was the last time you painted your nails? myself? last year probs but it never lasts

14 - What’s your typical order when you go to Starbucks (or wherever your favourite coffee shop is)? chai latte or matcha latte usually from pret

15 - What’s your favourite thing to have on toast? strawberry jam

16 - Do you have any debt? If so, are you on top of paying it all back? student loans and no

17 - What was the last thing you purchased with a credit card? Sainsburys shop

18 - Have you been to college/university? If so, has your degree been useful to you or was it a bit of a waste of money? YES, undergrad in English, converted that to a graduate diploma in law for a year and just finished the legal practice course masters. For what I want to go into, it has not been a waste of money and it was the right path for me.

19 - How often do you travel by public transport? For the past year, never, but when I move back to the city I will use it often.

20 - Do you have an instagram account? If so, how often do you post on there and what kind of things do you post? I do and I really don't post often at all maybe once a year.

21 - Are you close to your extended family? Do you wish you were closer? I'm fine with it tbh

22 - Do you prefer to give your pets human names or not? I wouldn't be opposed to it but it won't be my first choice

23 - Do you like having ice in your drinks? Yes

24 - When was the last time you went to a BBQ restaurant? Too long ago

25 - When was the last time you re-arranged the furniture? Is this something you like to do often? I used to love rearranging my room and showing my parents but haven't done it for a while.  

26 - Have you ever used a fire extinguisher? Would you know how to use one without reading the instructions? I have not and probs not maybe I should youtube it to be prepared.

27 - What’s the worst thing you’ve ever had to deal with at your job? Client's that are unhappy although my most recent company haven't had too many occasions of unhappy clients.

28 - What was the last thing you used your mobile phone for? listened to a voice note my friend sent me

29 - Did you used to play The Sims? What version or expansion pack was your favourite one to play? YES specifically Sims Castaway on PSP

30 - What was the last thing you used a lighter for? Lighting a candle

#spicynightlife #surveys #08/06/23

[himitsu-luna]

Headcanon

࣪𑁍˖՚༹⌒ Domestic chores with Nct 127 ⌒ ༹՚˖𑁍 ࣪

ᨳ☆‧˚Taeil

Taeil always feels kinda discouraged to start doing the chores, and he drags you along on procrastinating with him

"Come here, Y/N, stay with me a little bit more! Let's cuddle five more minutes, okay?". You agree, ofc, and you stay on the bed for a little too long, talking about the zillion things you have to do, but not having the guts to leave each other's arms.

When you start cleaning the house though, he really gets into it. No dirty spots and no dusty surfaces escape his strong hands.

He plays the most random songs, from classic music to heavy EDM, and you vibe together while doing the chores, bouncing with your brooms in hands and spinning your stained cloths in the air.

In the kitchen, he always gladly cooks for you. But after a long tiring day doing domestic chores, you both agree on ordering some food, spending the night just chilling, watching a movie in the middle of which Taeil probably will fall asleep.

ᨳ☆‧˚Johnny

Johnny is the one who organizes the chores at home. He assigns what each one needs to do, and there you go, his high energy overflowing from his body, encouraging you and providing you the ignition you needed.

"I clean up here, you clean down there" - he says with a suspicious smirk. You don't know if he is making fun of you or if he is being considerate.

He needs his coffee pauses, and he makes you take a break too. You talk about the most random daily things, which always leads to precious bonding moments, the kitchen getting filled with laidback laughs.

Then you continue your activities, in your own pace, jamming to some soft background music.

Johnny likes to offer you rewards. "If we finish this today, I'll buy us some nice ice cream, and then I'll take you to the movies. Deal?"

ᨳ☆‧˚Taeyong

Taeyong has the most endearing way of convincing you that it's time to do some domestic chores. "Y/N, come hereeee! It's time for a couple activity!! I even got us matching rubber gloves, look!"

He doesn't let you do heavy tough stuff though. But when you see him struggling by himself and run to help him, he gives you the most precious smile, full of admiration and gratitude. A cute "Thank yoou!" (yes, in his cute english <3) leaves his mouth.

But there's one thing about doing chores with him that is a bit trick: he loves to rearrange the furniture and decoration. It's always extra tiring, but you have to give him the credit for your house being so cool and stylish.

Taking care of your pets is something that consumes a lot of time, but Taeyong does everything with happiness and sparkly eyes.

He makes sure you have some breaks, to keep hydrated and to eat something. He will prepare you some sandwiches, while you start to plan a little trip to the grocery shop.

ᨳ☆‧˚Yuta

Yuta and you have this synchronicity and telepathy. You think "I guess it's time to sweep the front yard". You get your broom and everything, and when you step out the house, Yuta is already there, cleaning everything.

"Oh, you had the same idea! Well, you can...", he says. "Oh, I guess I will...", you start. "....do the laundry.", you two say at the same time, smiling at each other.

He tries to do things in "Marie Kondo style". He takes a long time folding your clothes, but it's worth the effort. Your wardrobe is a beautiful piece of art.

If he thinks something is dangerous for you, he definetely won't let you do it. Changing the lamp? No no no! It's not that he thinks you're not capable of doing things, he knows you can do anything. He just can't live with the possibility of you getting hurt.

After a day of hard work, you take a warm bath together, and stay in bed for the rest of the night.

ᨳ☆‧˚Doyoung

Like Johnny, Doyoung assigns the chores. He knows the things each one of you is good at.

But he is the type of person that sees you doing something, and automatically says "Wait baby, let me do it for you", or starts helping you, out of habit.

For example: you're doing the dishes, you wash part of the things in the sink, and then you start to rinse them. Doyoung takes the opportunity to sneakily snatch the dish sponge and, it's too late, he won't give it back to you. "Don't get used to it though", he says with a little grin. You grin back, because you lost count of how many times you've heard this same sentence.

You have a lot of plants at home, and Doyoung treats them like real babies. He even bought one for you, a baby tree of your favorite fruit.

Cooking is his thing, so he makes sure you have a nice, delicious and nutricious meal everyday.

ᨳ☆‧˚Jaehyun

Jaehyun will gladly do anything you ask him to do with the best of intentions, and he does his best to help.

He looks at the weather forecast to see when it's a good day to do the laundry, he sorts the garbage for recycling, he researches the supermarkets with the best prices, and does other little things that seem unimportant, but that are truly essential.

He likes vaccuing very dirty places. The satisfaction he gets from seeing the clean path that the vaccum leaves among the dirty is priceless.

But he is clumsy, so you know you can't let him get near the fragile stuff. So the kitchen is a little bit dangerous for him

If he can't help you with something, he makes sure to support you, like a real cheerleader. "Oh yessss honey! You're doing great, wow!That's my baby!!", he says, already massaging your shoulders.

ᨳ☆‧˚Winwin

Winwin sees you getting ready to start cleaning, and he asks you what he can do to help, while wearing your spare cute apron, which makes you smile like a fool.

He follows you and do what you do, ocasionally asking you if the things he is doing are good enough.

He is extra careful when hanging the clothes out on the clothesline, making sure to spread them well to avoid any wrinkles. He knows none of you like ironing, and also you burned yourself once, and he doesn't want this to happen ever again.

He spends a considerable amount of time making your bed, changing the bed linen, tyding up the sheets and smoothing the pillows, so you can feel good in a clean space and relax with him after working hard all day long.

ᨳ☆‧˚Jungwoo

Jungwoo is very good at domestic chores. He is a tidy and organized person, so things go smoothly in your house

He has the ability of turning every boring task into a pleasant and funny experience. Out of sudden you're having a broomstick battle. Out of sudden you're blowing soap bubbles. Out of sudden you're with white flour blots all over your face, after a spontaneous flour smudge battle.

For your surprise, he is excelent on fixing things. His creativity helps him a lot, along with a couple of YouTube videos and a degree on engineering.

Times just flies by his side, and you get surprised when you see the sun going down by your window, as he streches his back and says "we're finally done!", pulling you for a little celebration dance.

Jungwoo doesn't want to cook after doing domestic chores all day long. He orders an amount of food that could feed well ten people, and you eat a lot while watching some nice series.

ᨳ☆‧˚Mark

Mark always tries his best at everything. He knows he is a little bit clumsy, so he does things carefully. Thank God he has spider senses.

A chore that is supposed to be finished in ten minutes takes thirty to be completed, but it's completely fine, because you know it will be perfectly done.

He used to get confused with all the types of cleaning products, but he eventually learned about them all and now he knows anything's purpose just by smeling it. "Mmmm very soft floral smell, must be clothes soap/ Very strong and citric, I guess this is disinfectant" (pls people, don't be like this, it's dangerous for everyone!!!)

At the end of the day, he is so satisfied looking at your team work. You can see it on his little proud smile, while he runs an arm over your shoulders and distractedly kisses your cheek.

ᨳ☆‧˚Haechan

Haechan whines for two minutes before starting doing chores, but he is a man of action after all. "The sooner we start it, the sooner we'll finish it", he says to himself.

You play rock paper scissors to decide who will be the one that will do the unpleasant chores, like cleaning the bathroom and taking the garbage out.

But hearing your heavy sigh after losing for him makes him go "ahh ok, I'll do it, don't worry, but it will cost you twenty kisses!"

He doesn't stop singing while doing the chores. He is like a walking karaoke machine,he knows every song you ask him to sing.

When he cooks for you, you often catch him talking to his mom on the phone, asking her about that dish you liked so much the last time you visited her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

•° Thanks anon, for the request!! I hope you like it!

•° taglist - @soleilsuhh @black-swvn @cupidluvstarrz @kpopsnowball @kaepopsicle @purplepsycho03 @najatheangel @dundun-baby @haifengg @intokook @emuava @reallylikethevibeshere @cafemochi

* If you want to be added to or removed from the taglist, just send me an ask or a message (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

•° Masterlist

...

#nct #nct reactions #nct headcanons #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct blurbs #nct 127 reactions #nct 127 #nct 127 headcanons #nct 127 fluff #nct fluff #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 scenarios #taeil #moon taeil #johnny #johnny suh #nct johnny #yuta #Taeyong #Doyoung #Jaehyun #winwin #jungwoo #mark #mark lee #haechan #donghyuck

[jd-loves-everyone]

UNO

➤ Recording your newest youtube video and talking back to your boyfriend, Chan, ends up getting you into a lot more trouble than you expected.

➤ genre: smut

➤ wc: 2.3K (well this got long)

➤ warnings: dom!chan, sub!reader, minor preparation (be very careful or you could get hurt), use of the color system, dirty talk, power imbalance, finger sucking, explicit language, strength/size kink(?), mentioned aftercare.

➤ a/n: Yes I have a youtube channel. No, I am not self-projecting (maybe just a little bit :)) Also, please tell me what you thought about this because I haven’t written smut in nearly a year so I’m not sure if I like this, plus english isn’t my first language so let me know if anything doesn’t make sense :) 

Perhaps pushing your boyfriend, Chan, wasn't the best idea. No matter the situation. But, in your defense Felix had taken you telling him to "suck my nonexistent dick" quite well, so what you told Chan wasn't THAT bad. At least in comparison. But perhaps it had been the seemingly endless build up to it that made him blow a fuse.

You had recently found out that videos of playing Uno with friends were not only fun, but also extremely popular. So it seemed like a great way to spend your Friday afternoon with Chan, Felix and Jisung, while also recording a video that would no doubt be entertaining.

It was no secret to anyone that all the boys were quite competitive (in various degrees, but all very competitive nonetheless), and to anyone that watched you play any sort of game it was also no secret that you were very competitive as well.

So, everyone you had invited to participate were people who could: speak English, were competitive and got frustrated quickly, which would all hopefully make for a pretty funny video. What you didn't account for was your own (unexpectedly) short temper and unfiltered vocabulary, all probably due to the presence of a microphone.

And so, with Chan in the next room in your house, you in your office and Felix and Jisung in their own houses, the game began. It started pretty slow, with everyone getting used to the setting and the game, but all eventually loosened up after the first "f bomb" was dropped. From there followed many minutes of frustrated yelling that rapidly grew in volume every time someone screwed someone else over. It seemed most prevalent between you and Chan though. And with every card he played to make you lose, your playfulness dissipated. Chan had tolerated your bratty behavior for most of the game, but that statement was the last straw.

“That’s it. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.” You deadpanned amidst Felix and Jisung’s booming laughter, after your boyfriend made you pick up 4 more cards just as you were about to win. The silence that followed from his side should have made it clear to you that a line had been crossed. But you barely noticed as Chan seemed to go back to his normal self not long after.

The game continued normally and you ended it after getting enough footage for a video, ending the recording and saying goodbye to your friends and moving to Chan’s office.

Upon seeing him sitting in his chair, facing his computer, you decided to move towards him quietly to surprise him, given your current good mood. As you reached him you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, burying your face in the side of his neck and filing it with loud kisses.

The last thing you expected was for him to grasp your wrist tight enough to make a point: that he wasn’t pleased. With something you had done, most likely. Most definitely, otherwise he’d be telling you about his frustrations and not keeping vice-like grip on your hand.

“Chan?” You asked, oh-so innocently. It almost made him snicker. Instead he turned his chair around, tugging you forward to stand in between his spread legs, staring at you with fire in his eyes. Meanwhile you wracked your brain for the reason as to what you had done to make him mad.

“I’m a little disappointed with my baby girl today. You know why?” His voice was dangerously low, and suspiciously devious. You were almost sure he was doing this just to toy with you because he knew you loved it.

You furrowed your brows in concentration. What could it have been? None of what you had said or done seemed unusual or out of line. Maybe his patience was running low today? Perhaps there were simply so many little things that could be considered “mistakes” on your part, for you to figure out what the catalyst was.

"You don't know, do you?" He chuckles mockingly, his hold on your wrist loosening, lulling you into a false sense of security.

“I’m disappointed with my baby girl, because she was being a brat all game. Talking back to me with that attitude, trying to convince everyone you were in control. But we both know you’re not. I even let most of it slip since it was for the video, but I feel like perhaps you forgot who’s in control here. I also think that you were enjoying being on top for once, too much.” Chan spoke huskily, rising from the chair and looking down at your form.

“Maybe I need to show you who’s in charge.” He said absentmindedly, placing his hand on your cheek and stroking your bottom lip with his thumb, smiling softly when your lips parted to let his finger through. You licked it softly, hoping to please him. He saw right through you immediately, smirking as he pressed his thumb down on your tongue, making your mouth open wider. Saliva pooled at the bottom due to the dominant presence he exuded and the darkness in his gaze which promised an eventful night.

"Go to the bedroom, take your clothes off and maybe I'll think about going easy on you." He whispered, stepping back to give you space. Strangely enough, without his scent surrounding you, you felt dazed and somewhat cold.

But you hurried to carry out his order. Part of you wanted to push him just a little more, just to test him. But another, bigger part, just wanted to be his good girl.

You felt exposed and vulnerable as you stood in front of the bed, naked and waiting for Chan to step through the bedroom door. As he did, you felt goosebumps appear all over your skin as he looked you up and down appreciatively. You tried covering yourself as he made his way to you. He had seen you naked before (and in much more compromising positions) but the way his predatory gaze traced every one of curves, taking you in as if it was the first time, every time, just set fire to the blood in your veins and cheeks.

“Why are you hiding, baby? You seemed so confident just a few minutes ago. Where has all that attitude gone?” Chan taunted, taking his clothes off painfully slowly before sitting against the headboard, watching you with those keen eyes. Even if you were both naked, you felt nowhere near out of his grasp. All the muscles now exposed to you made your mouth water, just at the sight of his statuesque body that he worked so hard for, covered by marble-like skin.

“Come closer baby. Don’t get all shy now.”

You moved forward meekly, crawling until you were knelt in front of him, trying so hard to not let your eyes drop down to follow his v-line down to his cock. It was so enticing every time that it took all your willpower to keep his lustful gaze. He smirked, as if noticing your struggle.

"You're in the wrong spot, baby. I want to sit right here." He said as he patted both his thighs. "Since you like being on top so much, I want you to ride me. You do all the work this time. Because you're only coming tonight if you work for it."

The cockiness in his voice made you shiver in anticipation.

You crawled forward once more, straddling his lap and squirming at the feeling of him rubbing against your already dripping folds. Even though this persona of his never failed to get you wet enough for him to slide himself in smoothly, you knew the stretch would still be a bit painful, which perhaps was his intention. 

He cupped your cheek in his hand gently, looking at you with unveiled concern despite his lust-blown pupils. 

“Color?” He asked carefully, stroking your flesh soothingly as you leaned into the touch, making him smile fondly. 

“Green. But, please go slow.” You replied once the fog in your mind cleared, looking your loving boyfriend in the eyes, deeply appreciative of his carefulness. He patted you cheek softly, nodding, before the switch flipped and he was back to his darker self, no more gentleness left in his gaze, hands grabbing you hips tightly and jerking you against him slightly. You jumped in surprise, letting out a whimper at the feeling of his hard member against you.  He sent you a look as if to say: 'get to it'.

You slowly trailed your hand down your body as Chan stared unabashedly, before he grabbed your hand.

"No no. You seemed so eager to finish during the game. So why don't you just get to it?" He said lowly, scratching his nails on your thighs before groping the flesh harshly.

Not wanting to contradict him anymore, you grabbed his cock in your hand, spreading your essence on him, before positioning him at your entrance.

As you slowly sat on him, his breathing became harsh and labored, and you winced and whimpered at the stretch. It burned slightly but it wasn’t nearly as painful as the first time had been since you were going slow enough to adjust to his size. But it seemed as if Chan was struggling quite a bit,

He leaned his head back, neck on full display as his jaw clenched, trying his best to hold himself back from thrusting up into you. You realized that this was not only a punishment for you but also for him. Perhaps his plan backfired? Or perhaps he had planned this but realized he actually wouldn’t be able to hold himself back in a few minutes. Only time could tell.

Your eyes locked onto the prominent veins just under his fair skin, looking so inviting that you just couldn’t resist the urge to suck a blot of red onto his neck making him groan as he moved inside you as you leaned towards him. His grip on your hips tightened.

“Fuck! You’re so tight!” He said breathlessly, easing the grip he had on you to let you move. 

And as you felt as if the pain had passed, you held onto his shoulders tightly and started moving up and down. The feel of him rubbing against your walls was almost too much as you could feel every bump and vein of his cock as you clenched experimentally. It made Chan let out a startled moan, probably louder than he intended as his cheeks reddened for more than exertion, eyes rolling back at the feeling. 

Upon seeing the effect you had on him you got a sudden boost in confidence, riding him with fervor, determined to do your best and get more of those delicious reactions out of him. 

The room filled with the sound of skin slapping as you bounced on his lap making more euphoric noises spill from Chan’s throat. You were in a similar state, the position allowing him to hit every sweet spot inside you, making you emit countless moans and whimpers. 

You felt your orgasm build, tears gathering in your eyes at the overwhelming feeling of being so close but so far from the finish line, but being unable to reach it as your thighs became sore from smacking against Chan and fatigue started to weaken your limbs. You let out frustrated whimpers as you held onto his shoulders tight enough for your fingers to go white from pressure, which made Chan groan. 

“Chan please! I can’t… anymore…” You begged breathlessly as your movements slowed down. 

“Ah, fuck it.” He said, taking hold of your hips before flipping you onto your back without separating your bodies. He settled between your widely spread legs, pushing his hips forward with all the strength he had been holding back, grunting with effort. 

“Poor baby. Can’t even make yourself cum without my help, huh? Not strong enough to handle it, are you?” He spoke smugly as your moans became louder and louder at his words. 

Your breasts moved in tandem with his movements, attracting his attention which made him lean forward to take one of your enticing nipples into his warm and wet mouth. With the way your voice kept rising in volume, you knew your neighbors couldn’t be too happy. 

“Are you close baby? Are you gonna cum for me?” He said as he took his mouth off of your chest, revealing the erotic sight of his saliva covering your nipple sloppily. 

“Y-Yes! So close, Chan please.” You didn’t know what you were pleading for but Chan seemed pleased with your response as he pressed his lips against yours, trying but not fully succeeding in muffling your noises, as his hand trailed towards your center to rub your clit harshly which gave you that extra push. 

As you tipped over the edge, barreling towards an overwhelming orgasm that made a few tears spill from your eyes, you clenched impossibly tight around Chan’s cock making him break the kiss, moaning and groaning openly into your mouth as you did the same.

Your breathing slowly returned to normal as you felt Chan’s sticky essence drip out of your hole as he pulled out, an image wished seemed to have captured his attention as he openly gazed at you red and spent pussy. Despite all that you had already done, and with the haze of lust no longer present, you blushed at his laser focused eyes set on your dripping core. 

“I’ll never get tired of this.” He whispered almost to himself, smirking at your flushed and pouty face. 

“Let’s get cleaned up, alright baby?” He said as he kissed your forehead gently.

“Just one thing Chan.” He tilted his head cutely, to show that he was listening. “Next time, try to not be such an asshole and maybe I’ll be nice in return.”

#kpop #skz #stray kids #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #skz x you #bang chan #bang chan x reader #skz smut #stray kids smut #bang chan smut #skz chan #skz chris #stray kids chris #stray kids chan #stray kids x you #stray kids x y/n #chan #BANG CHRIS #chan x you #chan x reader #chan x y/n #bang chan x you

[lexiklecksi]

“Get to know me better” tag game

My online friend @zettelkaestchen tagged me in this. Thank you! I love tag games, they are a fun way to get go know each other. Feel free to tag me in anything!

Basics

Favorite color: turquoise like the Mediterranean Sea surrounding Cyprus 🌊

Last thing I googled: oneirataxia = the inability to differentiate between dreams and reality.

Dream trip: I miss the sea so much! I’d love to revisit Cyprus or Greece; it's the only trip I can think of at the moment.

Food

3 favorite foods: dark chocolate, falafel, tacos

Tea or coffee: tea! I drink several giant cups of tea everyday; even in summer, but I change to ice tea. I only drink a cappuccino once a month.

Sweet, spicy or savory? Sweet! Though I also like savory food and spicy when it's not too hot. Like “tingle your tongue” spicy, not “burn your throat“ spicy.

Currently craving: a lot of ice cream because it's way too hot! 34 degrees Celsius in the city ugh it's unbearable.

Media

Song stuck in my head:

Last song I listened to:

Last movie I watched: either Mean Girls (a rewatch because it's iconic) or Bad Boys for Life (with my boyfriend but I enjoyed this action movie more than I thought I would).

Last show: The Irregulars is a phenomenal series that puts a paranormal spin to the Sherlock Holmes storyline. It's focused on a homeless group of kids that are used as spies by Dr. Watson. I fell in love with the characters and the worldbuilding but the horror elements weren't my cup of tea. It feels like the darkest timeline of Sherlock Holmes and I highly recommend watching it if you can handle the dark stuff.

Last podcast: I love listening to the German true-crime podcast Mordlust (meaning blood lust/ murder) by Paulina Kraser and Laura Wohlers on Spotify. They retell two true stories and discuss the psychological backgrounds of the murderers and their trials. It's very informative yet also entertaining while remaining respectful to the victims and their families. Another podcast I like is Gag of the Millenial by Roly and Luxeria on YouTube and Spotify. They are best friends, have great chemistry together and fun personalities.

Currently watching: many movie reviews on YouTube because I currently don't have enough time to watch movies or even a whole series. As a cinephile I have to stay informed! My favourite review YT channels are Amanda the Jedi, Cinema Therapy, honest trailers by Screenjunkies, Cinema Strikes Back, Cynical Reviews, Pitch Meetings by Ryan George. On another note, I’m excited to go watch a movie when cinemas are allowed to reopen.

Currently reading: The Kingdom of Back by Marie Lu. It's historical fiction about Nannerl Mozart, the sister of the famous composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. So far it's been a magical read and the book deserves the hype! Though I have to admit it's a bit funny to read it in English with the occasional German words thrown in. I love how the story unfolds but still hope that some of the magic will be explained.

I’m tagging: @writingonesdreams @writing-is-a-martial-art @arcane-aesthetic-transbian @just-jisela @silversynthesis @giantrobocock @vujime @thecreakywriter and everyone who wants to share something about themselves!

#tag game #please tag me in tag games #get to know me #about me #recommended film #recommended books #recommended song #Spotify

[babyeijra]

Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert

January 22, 2021

Okay, so it’s been a while since I last made an entry in this blog

I feel like I had to write something about what happened today because I wanted to get over something that I know will bug me if I don’t vent it or say anything about it.

I have always known that I have social phobia. Even without being clinically tested or what do you call it, psychological testing or diagnosis from a professional(?), I know I have social anxiety. I just don’t know what degree, but I know it’s there. Since elementary and high school, I was a quiet kid. I never speak unless spoken to, I don’t even interact with relatives, cousins, or strangers I just met. I have always been like that. I was afraid to be called in class, I get mental blocks when I get called even when I know the answer (this really happened), that’s why I don't participate in class recitations, and activities (unless forced). If I get called, my mind blanks, my heart pounds so hard, and I could feel the blood rush through my whole body and to my brain. Then if I stutter, I feel like I don’t know what I was saying, l feel like I’m being laughed at secretly and I would think of it hours, even days after what happened. And I learned that by writing it and reading more about my condition, and reading from other people’s (with social anxiety) experiences, that’s when I could get past one mistake or move on from my shame. When I read that there are others just like me and have experienced what I went through or going through, is only when I could move on from ONE mistake. But then, until when am I going to be like this? I honestly thought I got passed this social anxiety. That what I had was just acute social phobia, nothing too serious, that I will not experience anxiety to my adulthood, that I could now proceed of dreaming to be a lawyer since I passed high school, college, and now a CPA working in the government. I got passed a lot of interviews when I was just trying to find work as a fresh graduate. I thought, maybe nervousness during interviews, or presentations is just normal?

But now that I think about it, I had always needed days, even weeks of preparation and practice to get passed simple interviews. I had always had sleepless nights thinking of the days of interview. In high school I had always needed to study 5 times, even 10 times harder just so I wouldn’t get left behind, because I lack class participation. I always though I was stupid or stupidest person in class, I had always envied my classmates who can get through being called and being made to stand to answer and yet giving the wrong answer, because they seem like they were answering a question like it’s nothing, being called to stand is nothing, reporting in front of class is nothing, speaking and interacting with others is nothing. But for me, it’s not a simple “nothing”. I would think about it, I would remember my embarrassment when I stutter, or get mental blocks and gave the wrong answer, I would remember the judging stares (my mind probably had created).

I could recount, even today, how my high school English teacher, embarrassed me had called me to answer the last question, in front of everyone. The previous questions I had mentally answered and got them all right, after they were discussed or when my classmates had got it also right after they were called to answer. It was coincidental or I don’t know, that the last question was given to me. I had already made up my mind on the answer to the last question before being called. But when I was called, I don’t know what happened. My mind went black, and every symptoms of a social anxious person (from what I read from others’ experiences), I had really felt. I missed to give the right answer which I had already made up before. It just went away, I tried many times and I still had given a different answer, During that time, I really forgot what I answered in my head.  Didn’t I say, I went blank? And so this teacher made it worse by saying,  “If you got the highest score in the exam, you have to prove it, otherwise I would think you cheated” (nonverbatim). Okay now that I think about it, was she allowed to say that to a student? (I want to know the answer to this). I felt embarrassed then, but no one can deny the fact, that I did get the highest score on her exam. I really studied hard (like five times hard) and I listened well in class in high school and not because I wanted to compete with others, but I really had an interest to learn, and I also thought I was stupid and might fail (because of my lack of participation) that’s why I had to recoup by studying. I had the lowest self confidence and self esteem then. It was the lowest of the low. Surprisingly, actually, I graduated high school as salutatorian, and I dreaded it. I never wanted to be salutatorian. I never want to make a speech in front of many people, on the stage in an open space, at the University Quadrangle. I thought, maybe I’ll just get the “1st honorable mention” (3rd in the batch) or even 5th place, because I knew, what would pull me down (even though I sometimes or often times get the highest scores in exams and quizzes; Math, Science, Physics, and others included. Okay maybe except Filipino) was my lack of participation.

But yeah. Surprised? I was the salutatorian? Although it made me proud after I learned this from our class adviser (also our trigonometry teacher), but the next second I felt was, dread. “Oh shoot! I had to make a speech. I had to speak in front of everyone!”. Did you know, I even cried inside the Teacher’s room, in front of all the teachers, when we, I and another classmate who was the valedictorian, was asked to rehearse our speech in front of them? I was so nervous, I was crying while I was trying to speak (and the tears were not happy tears). I was so nervous that it made me cry. Can you imagine that? And you know what, the teachers actually thought? That I was crying because of happy tears, but I said to them, it’s because, “Gina kulbaan ako”(I’m really nervous). I should tell you, that when I said “crying”, I was spasm-sobbing (you know that sound you make when you cry, you get breathing spasms or hiccups) and had runny nose. I was a mess inside that teacher’s room. When I got out, my valedictorian classmate asked, “Ngaa nag hibi ka?” (Why did you cry). Yup, this happened. I need not relay to you what happened during the graduation. It would take up the time. Oh yeah!, I tried to think of ways to skip delivering the Salutatory Speech, like searching “how to get colds” so my voice will get coarse. I guess I would say, I never want to experience that (Salutatory Speech) again! And I had more also experiences in college. Like when we had to stand in front of the Audio Visual Room. And recite a (I think it was a long poem or verse). I was able to memorize it, but when I got in front. Well, you guessed it. I panicked and had a mental block. *sigh*

Wow, I actually made a long entry about my high school experiences as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert. I haven’t even gotten work experience yet. Huh!

I guess I need to let everyone first know the struggle of being a Socially Anxious Introvert from childhood experience POV, or what one feels like when speaking in front of everyone. So please, don’t judge this entry. What happened today, during our online Legal research class was, we had an oral exam about a hearing observation we had of a case. It was the easiest question by our Professor (who is a MCTC Judge) I think out of everyone’s. But I wasn’t prepared for the easiest question. I prepared for different questions and not the one she asked. So yeah, I blanked, stuttered and I guess and most probably flunked. Now you may be asking. Why did I enter Law School if I have a Social Anxiety? If you really read everything above, you’ll get the answer.

PS, I used at least 2 and a half hours of writing this entry. I have final exams next week. But I know I really couldn’t concentrate if all I think about was what happened 3 hours ago. I wanted to move on from a mistake and embarrassment. I really feel like and did sound stupid answering that SIMPLE question.

Now, what do you think? Should I give up Law School? Or try and conquer my fears in Law School? Do I even have a chance? Do you think I’m being brave? or being stupid for taking up Law but can’t even speak properly.

Any answer from anonymous person will be appreciated. Even if it’s a discouraging answer. I should accept the truth, whatever truths there would be. When I said, “don’t judge” I don’t mean it. Judge all you want really. It is the fact of the world. We even do it unconsciously.

PSS (is there such?), I have found a site (just now, while looking for pictures) that also talks about dealing with Social Anxiety in Law School (http://www.thelegalduchess.com/2018/08/dealing-with-social-anxiety-in-law.html). So I guess I’m not the only one. (by Sam Smith lol, unrelated content but still a good song). 

Will take time to read it. But, I need to study after this entry. (ugh! 😖The horror, I have a lot to cover for the finals and I have wasted so much time). I feel a lot better after writing this. So I guess it was not wasted time after all.

PPS: 12:17 am more than 4 hrs since my bad recit. I still can't concentrate. I have now been watching youtube about moving on from bad recits. I still cringe everytime I remember it, quite often. That's why I dont think I can remember what I read. Also, I'm writing this because I remember something. Studying harder is now 10 times harder to do in law school, especially if you are a full time, full load, working student. I couldn't prepare well for the next class, and I couldn't prepare for all possible questions as a Socially Anxious INFJ Introvert (which means all questions my mind could think of, because like I said, there'd be no time). And what makes it more embarrassing and humiliating, I have a classmate who is also a coworker (she's in a different work group) and her husband is also my coworker in the same work group.

#note #notes #Social Anxiety #Introvert #INFJ #Shame #Embarrassment #Dream #COL #Law Student #First Year #social anxiety disorder #experience

[b-lessings]

If you don't mind, can you give me some advice as a fellow Tunisian. 💌I am kinda lost these days and I don't know what I really want anymore, there is a lot of things I want to try but I have no motivation ( depression sucks.) I am wondering if you know what other options beside teaching someone with an English degree has?

3asslemaaa 🇹🇳♥️✌🏽

Just this morning, our prof was giving a lecture about all the other options an English graduate can have as a career that don't involve teaching or anything with the gvt. So lucky for you I am full of ideas 😅

However, it depends on where you are living, and if you are not in the Capital or in some big cities like Soussa, then are you willing to move there and look for a job (which is kinda super difficult now with the pandemic..)

Now, how about we address your ask one idea at a time:

- These times are hard, and the depression is clouding our sky in what looks and feels like a permanent state. Even those youtubers and ig influencers (the ones with an actual brain and not lady.samara lol) they keep talking about how these times of the pandemic and the global crisis are like a time of hiatus where things get low and we might find ourselves without a job or a course to attend, nothing to do so we shouldn't perceive this as a time of despair but rather as a chance to catch up and update our life features if we can so. As in, if you have so much free time on your hands, might as well learn a skill. Linkedin and Microsoft are offering a lot of free online courses, I just finished one on Linked in last night about diversity at the workplace and I am starting the next one today InshaAllah. Umm, there is the famous google marketing course, you can get certified. It's free. You can always watch youtube tutorials, learn to code, learn an IT language if you are into that. Or learn a new human language (apps like Duolingo are amazing!). You can read as many books as you want, just work on your personal skills. It will make you super busy, will make you feel valid important and of good use. And it will have a great impact on your resume.

Si non, el khedma.. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Welcome to reality. It's not your fault. It s just that our education system was built for a completely different planet that doesn't match the needs of the business market irl.. 🙄

So I completely understand that you might feel lost and scared.

Before I took my teaching bars ( L CAPES ) I was working as a quality assistant manager in a call center. It had nothing to do with my degree in English language, literature and civilization. But rarely do we find people working with their degrees in Tunisia anymore. You can always apply to any administrative position available, call centers, stuff like that. It would help if you spoke different languages and knew your way around the computer. That's why I'm suggesting you learn a lot of skills at this point of your life. Just don't start working at a kindergarten or a private school because for one it's the middle of the school year and they don't hire now and for two it's pure slavery 😩

Idk, I dont wanna make this too long, just hit me up with your feedback.

And you can always come off anon and we'll discuss the situation further.

Best of luck ✨

[aijee]

i hope you don't mind asking me this, what made host/hostesses interest you, how you stumbled upon the documentary films about host/hostesses, is it recommended to you by someone? I'm really curious since i've read the price of mirrors and it's very well-written and detailed.

Honestly, it started from watching Ouran High School Host Club, which is an anime about, as you can probably tell, a host club in high school. It’s much more wholesome and cute than actual host club culture. I highly recommend watching it! And if you can stomach a particularly mature film, Satoshi Kon’s Perfect Blue is a tragically perfect commentary about the extremes of (Japanese) idol culture and is the inspiration for Black Swan people don’t talk enough about. 

After OHSHC, I started reading articles and watching videos about real host clubs (literally just by Googling and searching on Youtube), and have been fascinated ever since. More of my typical rambling under the cut.

(Disclaimer: I promise I’m not a psychopath nor a psychology major lol, I’m just really interested in how people operate)

I’ve always had a fascination with the manifestation (and portrayal) of human emotions, especially in darker, pressure cooker-like environments that often force raw, instinctual, perhaps even animalistic responses. And by “animalistic”, I don’t mean sexual primal instincts like the word might suggest. Perhaps I just can’t find the right description for it, but I mean the reflexive responses and emotions ingrained in mankind’s simple need to survive, live.

For example, Harlow’s famous study with monkeys suggested just how instinctually vital companionship, comfort, and touch can be, even foregoing feeding ourselves. Throughout human evolution, back when Neanderthals were still existent, socializing was necessary for hunting and gathering food. Love and, to be scientifically objective, sex were necessary for humans to survive. Nowadays, I'd say that sex isn’t as much of a big deal given that lifespans aren’t as threatened by hazardous environments as before. But companionship and love? Still so terribly important, for better or for worse.

With host culture, I was instantly fascinated by how our basest, most primal desires for love and companionship were not only fostered and turned into profit (clients), but also weaponized and suppressed (hosts). Both the giver and receiver are still very much human and flawed at the end of the day, so learning more about this dynamic was an interesting way of seeing how far people are willing to go to fulfill those aforementioned primal desires in a more contemporary setting. Who is more pitiful? The client who will do anything to get what they crave? Or the host who is slowly destroying that human part of themselves?

Growing up, I’ve personally always had a healthy relationship with celebrities and my one-sided, “for fun” crushes on them. K-Pop was no different. As I got older, however, and witnessed K-Pop fanbases grow exponentially and reach younger, English-speaking audiences (I obviously didn’t learn much from Kfans as a non-Korean speaker), I started seeing parallels between more passionate host/client and K-Pop idol/fan relationships:

Delusions of feeling like you “know” this person you “love”

A lacking distinction between reality and fantasy, with one side fanning the fantasy fuel (for profit and/or because they really believe in that fantasy they’re giving)

Claiming “ownership” over another person, especially when you feel like you have financial stake in that other person’s lifestyle and successes

This is not to say that one relationship is more morally correct than the other because they’re comprised of a spectrum of attachment types (and to different degrees). There are fans who respect boundaries, or are casual, or truly become better people because their favorite groups’ music pulled them out of dark times. Been there, done that. There are also clients who just visit hosts for fun without expecting more. There are clients who leave host clubs and come back better people, too. But both jobs are arguably fundamentally the same.

In a time period when companionship and love are becoming harder to come by because of restricted physical contact (again, relates back to the Harlow experiment), it felt relevant and poignant to write an analogy between hosting and idol culture. It was only a matter of time before love and companionship was monetized because we need it as much as food, water, shelter, etc. which we also pay for.

I’ve seen those photos of SVT hosting virtual fan meets, which don’t seem so intimate when the curtains are pulled back. You could draw a million conclusions for what those photos mean, and they could all be valid. I mentioned in a reply on “the price of mirrors” the incident with EXO’s Chen (baby, girlfriend, certain fans wanted him out because they thought he “betrayed” them and EXO) and BTS’s Jimin (ngl he’s my ult but he’s a chronic abuser of the “my fans are my girlfriends!!!” BS and I’m exhausted by it). As the Hallyu wave continues to grow, I honestly worry about how far these relationships will go, and how our sense of love and companionship in these cultures will change.

So where do we go from here? I honestly don’t know. I'm not as obsessed with K-Pop as I used to be, probably largely in part due to Adult Responsibilities that take up my time, and solid relationships I have in real life that keep me feeling loved and looked after. I still follow my faves, of course, but not to the microscope lens other people do. With fanfic, I’m mostly using up some pent-up creative energy and trying to empty out some thoughts that keep crawling around in my mind—one of which was hosts vs. idols, I guess!

#askaijee #shut up me