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dracosathenaeum · 3 years

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OBLIVIATE | D.M. ABANDONED FIC OUTLINE

Hello~

I’ve had this fic for @fuckingdraco ‘s writing challenge outlined for almost a year now. Half of it is a skeleton; i have some scenes which are fully written out and others which are just first drafts and idea dumps. this is quite literally copied and pasted so good luck if you read it.

I never had the heart to completely delete it but never liked it enough to write it; so here is my 2.2k draft fo what would’ve been a series.

If anyone decides to read it, be warned, it’s a mess. i just didnt want it to die in my notes so it’s having a life here, in my new section of my masterlist ‘fics that never saw the light of day’.

warnings: memory loss, fight scenes, gore, fighting

Being in a secret relationships had its ups and downs

You had to sneak around

But that just made the moments you were together so much more meaningful

You couldn’t brag about him to your friends

But the both of you were quite private people anyways, explaining your absences as studying in odd places

No one ever found out

It was just you and draco

The summer of 5th year was hard as he spent all of it in the south of France with his family

But it made coming back in 6th year so much more exciting

your fingers ached to touch him as you walked past his carriage

It was moments like this that you wish you could openly love him

But when your friends started gossiping about how Harry Potter thought he’d become a death eater, you were suddenly glad you weren’t linked to him publicly

That thought itself set a heavy weight of guilt on you

He came back in 6th year and he had changed

His kisses lost their spark

His eyes lost their light

He’d fuck you rough and hard, almost as if forgetting himself. Before making it up to you in the next instance

Slow love making that made you feel like you had just slept with an entirely different person

You followed him

You supposed you shouldn’t have

But he was skipping meals and you couldn’t exactly talk to his friends when they didn’t know you

You couldn’t confide in your friends as they wouldn’t understand

So you had no other choice

You followed him throughout the nights, and every time you would find him slipping into the room of requirement when he should’ve been slipping into bed with you

Once you had gauged what time he usually went and on what days you yourself went, 10 minutes before he was due

You watch as he fiddles around some ancient looking cupboard and you wonder why you’re jealous of a dead tree taking up dracos time

You watch as he sends things through, until finally it works for him

But its not happiness on his face nor relief

It looks like dread

He doesn’t look like he’s accomplished something, no there was no way

You watch as he takes off his tie, throwing it in the pile of robes and jumper

You watch as he rolled up the sleeves to his arms, the arms that had held you up more times than you could count

And you watch as the dark snaking lines of the dark mark are exposed on your lovers skin

His eyes whip round to see yours, instantly widening in fear

It isn’t until you try to walk towards him and he throws his hands up to stop you do you realise the shattered glass littered around you

He flicks his wand and you walk over, standing in front of him trying to figure out why

“How did you hide it from me for so long.”

“Simple charms, I was hoping you wouldn’t have to find out.”

More dialogue where he explains

“I don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice.”

Draco please

“I can’t, I had to take this on my skin because my father fucked up”

“If I, if I stop now, I cant save my mother”

“Draco please, we can find a way around this”

You kiss him

And it feels like you’ve both gone back to before 6th year

When times were simpler

When he loved you and you loved him and that was it

No other interruptions

“Oblivate”

PART 1

“Y/n?”

“I’m sorry, do I know you?”

“Draco Malfoy, we share some classes but we haven’t spoken before.”

“Oh, im sorry, of course. I’m really tired I dont usually forget peoples names I swear. I must’ve been so tired I wandered in, I apologise.”

“It’s okay, the doors over there.” You take that as his polite cue of asking you to leave

He offers a tight smile, one you remember from first year, one you remember seeing across the hall as he’s shut down by Harry Potter

Poor guy must be going through something

“Y/n”

you turn, you dont even hesitate. You dont know what it is but you feel as if you’ve known him all your life

You change and you see a gold ring dangling from a dainty gold chain. You ask your friends if they’ve seen it before

im forgetting so much these days

But you keep it on, it brings you an odd sense of comfort

You keep it tucked beneath your blouse, bringing it to you lips on occasion when youre anxious.

He had forgotten about his ring, the very ring you had clasped between your thumb and finger as you worked on your essay. How was he possibly supposed to get it from you

he’s well aware he’s staring but his mind is whirling

He needs that ring

“Draco, isn’t that your ring?”

He should’ve obligated himself, that might’ve been easier

“I’m sure it just looks similar.”

“Draco, we both know that’s the Malfoy famlily crest, I wondered why you stopped wearing it.”

“Wait did she steal it?”

misplaced it

She picked it up

He had to awkwardly walk over to pick it up

“That’s my ring.” You had told him all about how your friends hated him and how you had feigned indifference the entire time

He had to act the part

Youre flustered, eyes flicking between the ring and him, fingers clasping it tighter as if not wanting to let it go

He notices and his heart clenches at the sight

Remembering the night he gave it to you

*flash back*

“I’m so sorry, I must’ve picked it up by accident here.”

“Wait, how do you even know it’s his, prove it Malfoy.”

“My vaults could buy Hogwarts, why would I be stealing gold from a nobody?”

Your cheeks flare up and your friends glare at him but see his side

You struggle to unclasp it, and of course you fucking do because his stupid fucking ass charmed it so only he could take it off

he watches as you struggle with it, turning to a friend to help before you have 6 girls pulling at the very expensive chain on your neck

“For fucks sake youre going to damage it, let me.”

Your breath hitches as his surprisingly warm fingers brush your hair out of the way, fingers working quick to unclasp the necklace, the weight of it leaving your neck and you feel surprisingly empty

“Thank you.”

You watch as he goes, your fingers scratching over your neck, feeling something bubble in your throat

This was pathetic, you were so sad over something that was never yours in the first place

You spend the remainder of the time trying to figure out how you cam to be in possession of it in the first place

your name is written in beautiful cursive on a letter that you cannot help but love

You turn it over to see a beautiful wax seal on it, fingers trembling as you break it

The chain is yours.

d.m.

You tilt the envelope over into your hand to feel the familiar weight of the chain in your hand, clasping it around you neck in an instant

You look in the mirror but you dont recognise yourself

Your friends are surprised when you study with them

When you go back to your dorm room at a reasonable time

And you dont have a clue where it is they think you go

But how could you possibly explain to someone what you font remember

The chain is too light around you neck, its just not the same, it feels as if it’s chocking you rather than bringing you comfort

You start digging through your trunk and draws, looking for something to act as a pendant before you finally do.

Hidden at the back of one of your draws you find a little velvet box you dont remember stashing away. But then again, you dont seem to be remembering much these days.

Its a tiny little constellation of stars, charmed to sparkle and you heart wonders why you had never worn it before. It was a simple little charm but once hooked onto the necklace, you look at yourself in the mirror and finally feel as though a little part of you has returned.

PART 2 THE CONSTELLATION IS DRACO

6th and 7th years are a blur

A blur of horror

You dont really understand how life had changed so abruptly

You dont know how you end up fighting in a war at the age of just 18 but here you are

Draco stands with Hogwarts

And then his mother calls

You’ve seen him

Of course you have

You know what he is, know what his parents are

But you also know what he has done to make Hogwarts more bearable for you under the Carrows watch

The small things, diverging attention away from you and your friends

He wasn’t evil and some part of you knew that

You watch as he takes a shuddering breath and starts to walk

You watch as no one stops him

You watch as he loses more of his soul with each step towards mr no-nose

You dont know why you do it

You run

Your friends call your names, teachers joining in

They think youre joining the other side, they think youre fucked in the head, as they had since that incident in 6th year

But no, you were just missing something

you catch up to him pretty quickly, pulling him to a stop

“Ah, another to join my cause. Welcome young lady.”

“You know me. Im missing something but whenever I’m with you, whenever im holding this stupid constellation close to my heart, I feel at ease. Why”

he stares at you incredulously, and why wouldn’t he. Youre in the middle of a battlefield, Harry Potter has just been declared dead and Voldemort is less than a meter away

But you dont feel scared

And you feel stupid for not feeling scared

“It has felt like I dont even know who I am for the past 2 years, what did you do to me?”

You know everyones watching, you can hear the gasps on both sides as they think the worst of him

“I did what was necessary.” That was the first time he had spoken more than 2 words to you since he had gotten his necklace back that day in the library

“Draco, this is no time to be flirting. Come join me, bring her with you if you want.”

He tenses as voldy rests a boney hand on his shoulder, pulling him towards the other side, away from you

“If you won’t be joining us, we will use you an example of what will happen if you dont join us.”

You stare at him unfazed, fear was something you had gotten used to

Your fingers grip your wand in hand, running through all the spell harry had taught you in the da but its not enough

You are no match for voldy as he throws an unforgivable at you

You hear screams around you but all you hear is silence, as if the world had finally gone silent

Draco watched as the spell hit you directly in the chest. He had spent 2 years living with his actions all for it to have gone to naught in a single second

He watched as the light from his wand hits you

Before rebounding off you as if it hit a shield

There’s a flash of black and his mother is infront of him, wand out from deflecting the spell from bouncing back and hitting him

“Mother?”

“She’s important to you?”

“She gave him one of the fucking family heirlooms, either she’s important to him or he’s an idiot”

His parents were… bickering in the middle of a battle

voldy recollects himself but before he can talk neville speaks up “I have no idea what’s going on but-”

Draco drowns out the noise as he stares at you on the floor, youre covered in dust and in blood but youre alive

He hears screams as harry rolls from hatreds arms, he hears the cries from death eaters but all can see is you

“We’re switching sides now?”

“I mean he’s fairly distracted, he won’t have time to hunt us down, we owe it to our son.”

Fight scene

You remember everything

Fred Weasley teases the both of you, “we have a war to win, you can fuck later.”

He copy his lazy grin, a grin that lights you up, a grin that reminds you what’s left to fight for

You see the spell before he does

Youre in an arms reach of him but Draco cant reach you in time

You push Fred to the floor, putting yourself in the line of fire by default and draco has to watch you get hit all over again

“We need to talk about what exactly it is ive been wearing around my neck this entire time.”

“I think only my mother can answer that.”

[if you made it this far, send me an ask with the word ‘chicken’ and i’ll send you a cursed photo xx]

#draco #draco malfoy #draco x reader #leaving this here to die #officially giving up on this fic #rip

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god-of-dust · 3 years

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@richardcampbellganseytheiiird asked about the wip tag game:

I NEED to know what PRIDEMOTHEFPHUCKER is because that title has me gagging on laughter. xD

just so you know, i opened the document and the first line is “LOSE URSELF TO DENS”, all caps included.

the story is a modern AU describing zuko’s first pride and him meeting the gaang there; i had no actual plot in mind yet, apart from zukaang happening in the future.

an unedited excerpt, featuring starry-eyed zuko, mai being mai and also being queer for ty lee, aromantic katara and shameless jet bashing:

So this is what a pride parade really looks like.

Zuko was used to seeing them through videos and pictures, more often than not followed by horrible, demeaning comments about how degenerate and filthy those people where, and he privately had to admit that a lot of people were wearing revealing and flashy clothes (if they could even be called clothes, Zuko's seen people more covered at the beach).

What he's seeing now is a lot like those pictures, but also so much more. More people, for one, but also more color, more variety, more music, more balloons, more glitter—oh, the glitter—, more life.

Rainbows were everywhere, on every flag and article of clothing and smiling cheek; they hurt Zuko's eyes... and his chest, too. A healing kind of hurt, like the sting from disinfectant, but without the sterile smell.

He can imagine what his father—Ozai, he corrects—would say about his being here. Probably nothing at all, in fact. Ozai doesn't waste words when it comes to show his displeasure, and Zuko has the scar to prove it.

Nevertheless, not even Ozai's looming judgment is able to ruin this.

“Your eyes are falling out,” Mai says from his side. Like him, she usually steers clear of crowds, but this time she was the one who convinced him to come. Well, it was more the combination of Ty Lee's influence on her and her knowledge of Zuko's weaknesses; the relevant part, though, is that now all three of them are here, admiring their surroundings, and smiling with uncharacteristic (except for Ty Lee, of course) openness.

“It's... a lot,” he admits, “but not bad.” I'm glad to be here.

That's when Ty Lee takes their hands and pulls them both into the heart of the crowd, yelling over the music, “Don't think I'll let you two stay in the sidelines all day! Come on!”

Everybody's moving, a pulsing wave of shaking hips and restless legs. He tries to blend in and follow the upbeat rhythm, swaying from side to side, stiff as a wooden plank; and yet, his ability to care about his lack of dance skills has taken a vacation. He feels his smile getting broader, ridiculously so. For the first time in ages, Zuko's surrounded by strangers and it isn't suffocating. He's a nobody here, a black speck in the middle of an ocean of others who somehow, someway are his kin; it's the day where the underdogs run the place, and he lets himself take in that power, that link, that humanity, to save it in a quiet corner of his memories. He'll probably need it in the future.

A body bumps into him, hard. Zuko turns in that direction, instinctively rooting himself in the best defensive stance the cramped space allows.

It seems that while Ozai can't rain on this parade, there's definitely someone else who can, and he's staring at Zuko with the usual air of superiority, head tilted as if in challenge.

How could Zuko have ever found that smirk charming, he doesn't know. What he does know is that expression on the face of the not-so-charming douchebag in front of him, and it means that he's trying to stir shit; from the murderous intent he can feel radiating from someplace on his left, Mai knows too.

“What a pleasant surprise to see you here,” Zuko's ex from hell says.

“Pleasant surprise, indeed,” Mai scoffs. She's murderous, Zuko can tell, and as much as it's comforting to know that she's got his back, he also has to put a stop to this before she decides to act.

Trust him to have never learned his diplomacy 101. “Jet, what are you doing here?” Great, Zuko, that's the right question to ask a queer person. Congratulations.

“Out and proud, remember? In fact, what are you doing here? Didn't expect you'd ever find the guts to be out so publicly,” Jet taunts, “What will your daddy think, I wonder?”

“That's none of your business.” It's easier to feign calmness when he's not forced to hear Jet's irritating tone and scornful words.

Jet lifts his chin towards Mai, whose hands are twitching. “Ah, but I see you brought your favourite beard. Still trying to cover your closeted ass?”

Diplomacy be damned, Zuko's tempted to just let Mai do her thing—the one with sharp blades and a not-so-polite amount of surgical enthusiasm. Why should Zuko bother preserving this asshole's physical integrity? It's not like he deserves it.

Whispers come from behind Zuko, and he remembers that he's not playing saviour out of the goodness of his heart; they're in public, people are all around them in a newly-formed circle, keeping their distance and watching with varying degrees of interest. Their conversation hasn't escalated enough to be worrisome, but Jet isn't famous for his self-restraint... and neither is Zuko, for that matter.

He's also remembering that he's not quite that comfortable with crowds.

As he opens his mouth to retort, someone steps in and places their body between them, their back to Zuko, effectively cutting him—and Jet—off. Their t-shirt marks them as security, and air almost freezes as they speak.

“I saw your friends and I knew you'd be somewhere close, stirring trouble. You never disappoint, don't you, Jet?” the girl says, with a cold, acrid venom in her tone that's nothing short of a work of art.

For a second, Jet's face makes a complicated thing; Zuko has no time to wonder about it, as it morphs lightning-quick into an arrogant upturn of lips.

“Katara! Since when are cishets allowed to play security?”

She tenses, then relaxes again. “I'm not having this conversation. Your gatekeeping shit's gotten old years ago.”

The scene unfolds in front of Zuko, and he really should take advantage of the crowd to make a swift exit. It's clear the two have history, and it's not his business anyway. He darts a glance to Mai. She ignores him, glaring daggers into Jet instead.

“Yeah, because you know I'm right and you don't belong here. You act like the troubled martyr as if you're not waving your little flag and claiming non-existing problems to feel special. Do chick-flicks oppress you, princess? Boo-hoo,” Jet mocks, wiping away imaginary tears with his knuckles.

Definitely not my business, Zuko's mind provides.

“Are you unable to talk with people without being an utter piece of trash?”

Nevermind. Now it is.

Mai's stepped forward to stand close to the security girl, chin high and back straight, elegant and dangerous as a poisonous flower; her enemy's enemies are her friends, after all, and Jet let his mouth run a little too much for her taste. In fact, she's been wanting to draw Jet's blood—in a not so figurative way—for a while now. The douchebag is offering her vengeance on a silver platter and her behaviour screams that she's going to take it.

Zuko doesn't want her to. He wants to leave. There's too much for him to lose here, badly stitched wounds ready to be exploited, new ugly memories ready to unearth the old ones from their shallow graves, emotions that he's not sure he's ever managed to hold secure.

But he loves Mai. She's started this and he'll back her up if needs arises.

Please, let this be quick and painless.

Then Jet looks at Mai and laughs, a revolting sound, and Zuko's fist is two seconds away from being snugly encased into the fucker's fucking face.

my notes say that katara is the one that decks jet in the face after this. ooops.

#zukaang #avatar the last airbender #fanfic #tag thingies #yay writing #mailee

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notthatiwilleverwriteit · 5 years

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thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers ! another ask for u : im soo afraid in the next chapter momo will be homophobic towards ht !! I mean except Zzx who seems at ease with his sexuality, the other boys all seem kind of homophobic. Jy called ht repulsive bc he called him pretty while he was a guy, Ht is very agressive in his advances (which i linked to toxic virility which entails homophobia) ; then both of them changed for the better bc of their feelings for another man. 1/?

Good evening, dear anon-san!

“thanks for ur as always deepful analyses and answers !”

I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them! Every time people send me questions it always makes me happy and to be honest, a bit taken aback because I’m just a little old me. But I’m glad my answers have had such a positive reception and given people food for thought. And it’s always a pleasant surprise when people feel like they can come to my ask box with their interpretations and strike up a conversation.

Homophobia is a very complex topic, and I wondered where I should start to unravel this ask. But soon I realized before I can even begin that I have to take a moment to sort out my own feelings. Whenever people say the boys in 19 Days are abusive or homophobic for whatever reason I tend to get ticked off. It’s a knee-jerk reaction, often sparked by my own bias, but something that can very easily cloud my answer and make it unfair for you. Exchanging interpretations and perspectives requires a level of objectivity and the ability to rise above your own bias. I can’t dismiss something just because it uncomfortably pokes my nerve. Instead, I should take a step back, try and see things from another point of view, and find some common ground.

I’m not saying I had to struggle to agree with you on anything but your ask certainly reminded me of how challenging yet rewarding it is to actually listen to an interpretation that differs from my own and try to objectively look at the story from that point of view. It hurts your brain at first but is surprisingly freeing in the end.

Because you addressed so many things in your ask, I will tie my answer together under the theme of homophobia and give it some structure that way. This will be my great 19 Days - homophobia edition. \(^v^)/

Sexual orientation and environment

Let’s start with the biggest context you brought up in your ask: social and cultural environment. I’m not familiar enough with Chinese culture to have anything definite to say about its attitude towards LGBT people. Of course, I’ve heard of the discrimination and even blatant hate by their government but I don’t have any idea about how ordinary, modern-day Chinese people view others with different sexual orientations. Not to mention, it’s always risky to take fictional works as an accurate representation of the milieu in which they’re set.

But I do think that 19 Days discusses homophobia in societies, though on a more general level. As Jian Yi has come to realize his feelings towards Zhan Zheng Xi, we’ve also gotten glimpses of his struggles. They’re surrounded by other kids in school, and from the very early chapters it’s been implied two guys being that close together or comfortable with that level of skinship turns people’s heads (ch. 53, 54, 55, and 57):

Of course, those panels also poke fun at the stereotype of girls being interested in cute guys being cute together. The girls stare, take pictures, and even smile knowingly. This bothered ZZX because it put him in awkward situations and created misunderstandings that would be embarrassing to correct. And the more he would try to deny and correct them, the more he would probably end up looking suspicious. But the bottom line is, he was increasingly conscious of the weird looks and attention JY’s antics were attracting and didn’t want people to get the wrong picture of his friendship with JY. All of that could give us some hints on how two boys being close might be viewed by their peers, but it should also be kept in mind that those kinds of “gay panic” moments are a big part of the humor you find in 19 Days.

Having a crush on someone of the same gender gets more serious tones after JY kissed ZZX (ch. 142)

The secret was finally out in the open. JY had carried his feelings in his heart for a long time. He had wanted to confess them so many times and often hidden them behind jokes and antics. Perhaps every time he had jumped to hug ZZX he had caught a whiff of his scent and enjoyed the feeling of him in his arms. But to take the definite last step of confessing and lifting that curtain had always terrified him. And who wouldn’t have been scared? Not only would you have to come out but also risk losing your childhood best friend. It could be JY had even thought of never telling ZZX about his feelings because it could go horribly wrong.

For a while, things are somewhat put on pause after the first reveal which I found very realistic. JY wasn’t flat-out rejected but ZZX most definitely needed a moment to sort out his own feelings. He pestered JY to be straight with him (pun not intended...) and made it clear it would be safe for JY to rely on him and free himself of the burden. Despite that JY was still very unsure if his confession won’t result in ZZX abandoning him because “gay” is abnormal and disgusting (ch. 164):

Even when JY finally confessed he was expecting to be rejected in disgust (ch. 209):

But he had sort of reached the point of just finally getting it all out even if ZZX wouldn’t return his feelings. Even if it meant they wouldn’t be friends anymore. At least he had said it. He had heartbreakingly little faith that their kind of relationship wouldn’t be completely doomed. Thank god he had fallen for someone like ZZX. I don’t think I’ve never been as grateful for a character like him before.

A tangible example of how Zhanyi and their environment collided was Xiao Hui’s character (ch. 158):

When she called JY a disgusting gay, it was the first time he was facing that kind of homophobia. Though her actions were frustrating, I think Xiao Hui’s character was a good addition to Zhanyi. At first, she lashed out both because she was hurt and publicly humiliated but also no doubt because she had internalized the idea that heterosexuality was the norm and anything else was abnormal and wrong. Later on, she had had time to lick her wounds and calm down (ch. 258):

She still has a crush on ZZX but even though she probably realizes she doesn’t have a chance she still wants a clear rejection from ZZX. It still hurts and stings but doesn’t upset her as much. It could even be she’s a little happy for them. I think Xiao Hui’s character is a good example that people are capable of changing and reflecting when they’re given a chance. And no one should be forever held accountable and punished for the mistakes they made and have since bettered themselves.

In a broader sense, I think Zhanyi also discusses what kind of future a same-sex couple could have in society (ch. 268):

That drawing on the wall is my favorite Zhanyi moment. As cute as ZZX drawing him and JY together was, it also carries some bittersweet undertones. The original drawing represents the norm: a boy and a girl in love but if there are no skirts involved, it’s a whole other story. To be open about their relationship would most probably never be an option for JY and ZZX. Something as simple as holding hands in public would take courage and threaten to complicate other aspects of their lives (school, work, family). They don’t have the same privilege as straight people to openly and safely share their feelings and have that universal experience.

Your ask was mainly about Mo Guan Shan and He Tian, but I wanted to take a moment to talk about their environment since you also referred to it. And the easiest way for that seemed to be to talk about the progress of Zhanyi. As you suggested, it does seem the society in which all of the characters live is very much heteronormative which puts pressure on the characters to fit in. And if they fail that, they will face homophobia and most probably feel the need to hide their true selves. Case in point, Zhanyi.

Boys being boys

As much as I know that phrase is deemed Problematic™ these days, I think it fits the dynamics of the boys of 19 Days. They mess with each other, and all of that is typical humor for the comic. Personally, I’ve never taken any of their teasing and good-natured bullying seriously because it’s how 15-year-old boys are around each other.

However, I just finished talking about the environment under which influences and discourses the boys have grown up. I don’t feel like I can ignore what I had just been saying and brush it off as “oh well, they’re just boys” if they’ve always been surrounded by certain attitudes. Does that mean the boys have also internalized those attitudes towards gay people despite having feelings for someone of the same sex? Does that make them a representation of toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia?

In all honesty, I’m struggling to answer those questions. On one hand, I do agree that society’s norms of what is masculine put a lot of pressure on boys when growing up. You have to act, talk, dress, and be in a certain way to be accepted, and it doesn’t take a lot for kids to internalize those ideas. And as you said, acting or looking gay (not to mention, actually being one) is probably the worst a young boy could be. Being gay is often linked to everything a proper man shouldn’t be: sissy, effeminate, sensitive, weak, submissive, on the bottom. The list goes on and on.

On the other hand, do I think you can see that in the four main boys of 19 Days? I suppose it’s possible if that’s the direction you want to take. If you look at anything through those lenses, you can probably find toxic masculinity everywhere. Do I think HT, MGS, JY and ZZX are homophobic because they possibly showcase traits of toxic masculinity? I guess. I don’t know. I see where that interpretation comes from, but some part of my brain never manages to make the full connection between those two. I’m constantly having a feeling that my way of thinking differs from your interpretation but I can’t properly validate or argue my opinions.

Perhaps taking a look at the examples you mentioned might help. You talked about JY being homophobic when this was his response to HT calling him good looking (ch. 108):

I can’t exactly deny that panel couldn’t be taken as toxic masculinity. I might even agree with you on that. I wouldn’t probably go as far as saying JY was being homophobic but it does seem like his masculinity was threatened or questioned in that situation. Interestingly, I’ve seen that phrase pop up a lot in yaoi/shounen-ai comics. Characters who are in a gay relationship don’t often feel comfortable with guys complimenting them - or even the guy they’re in love with. I’ve always wondered that. Does that mean there’s a level of self-denial in those characters or is it just a cultural thing? Does it embarrass them?

In general, I think all of that has to do with their age, and another good example of that would be ZZX and JY’s reaction to HT messing with MGS (ch. 289 and 298):

I’ve seen people calling those moments homophobic as well and can’t really agree with them. I would say those reactions have more to do with teenage boys being awkward and embarrassed. HT putting the moves on MGS in front of them is embarrassing and something they don’t wish to see. I mean, I wouldn’t want to see my friends constantly acting like that around me either. Seeing public displays of affection embarrasses me and makes me awkward as hell. (Though, I don’t know if that’s just a Finnish thing...)

In short, I see a lot of how the boys act around each other just natural to how teenage boys are. They mess with each other and standing up for yourself in that sense (for example, getting revenge, being physical, or returning the verbal teasing) is important and typical. That’s how I see JY’s words in the example you mentioned: he felt like HT was messing with him and shot back. All of that could, of course, be seen as internalized toxic masculinity, but I don’t think it’s quite as blatant as people sometimes make it out to be. I’ve always taken it as boys just being boys and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

What comes to HT being pushy and overbearing, I don’t see that being connected to toxic masculinity and making him homophobic because of that. It feels a bit of a stretch and shakey. Instead, I actually think HT is quite comfortable with both of his own feelings for MGS and the idea of same-sex relationships in general (ch. 187):

The little heart-to-hearts JY and HT occasionally have also show us that despite often making fun of each other, they can take it more seriously when needed. JY would have never asked about having feelings for another male if he couldn’t trust HT wouldn’t make fun of him.

The case of Mo Guan Shan

You talked a lot about MGS, so I thought I’d take a closer look at his character separately. You made some interesting points I’ve also been thinking about and was glad they popped up in your ask.

Since we’ve talked about toxic masculinity so far, let’s continue on that. You mentioned that MGS is prone to homophobia because he’s had to act tough. Upholding a certain kind of image is essential in gangs. Being weak and submissive - aka gay, as I talked about above - isn’t an option in that line of work.

I agree with you on all of that. Why MGS is so uncomfortable with HT being physical with him is at least partly because he can’t come across as someone who can be taken advantage of (ch. 250):

If he can be physically overpowered and made vulnerable, it means he can be submitted. In the masculine world, physical strength seems to be the final and ultimate law that settles all the disputes at the latest. And if you lose in that you’re on the bottom or at least lower on the hierarchy. Now, multiply that mentality by a lot to fit it in the world of teenage gangs and the borderline criminal underworld. So, yes, I would most definitely say MGS doesn’t want himself to be put in that situation. Much less anyone finding out about it.

Then again, the story has kind of revisited that idea when HT “joined” MGS’s gang and his underlings started seeing HT around more. And they seem somewhere between intimidated by HT and impressed their boss has managed to make someone like HT call him “brother”. That fits the same mentality of strength, but I can’t honestly see Buzzcut or other members of the gang giving MGS a hard time even if they found out about HT’s affections. Chances are, they would be even more impressed, bless them.

Overall, I think MGS lashing out (or being homophobic) is mostly due to him not trusting HT and HT slowly but surely wearing him out and making him see his own prejudice against people like HT. Yelling out insults has been the easiest way to fight HT’s affections, although it’s not proven very successful. It’s also important to remember MGS is fairly inexperienced when it comes to love and romantic affection (ch. 222):

He’s always been rejected and discriminated by his peers and over the years, he’s started to mirror that behavior and push people away. Having crushes (let alone having a girlfriend) has never really been a concern for him. And it’s not like he’s had time for something like romance anyway because working has taken so much of his time. In this regard, MGS isn’t that mature or experienced and tends to get uncomfortable and lash out very quickly.

I’ve already talked about the note and what kind of role I think it will have (if it will be addressed at all). And I’m not really worried about MGS saying something homophobic to HT. I think we’re way past of him being like “I don’t speak to a homo” at this point already. He’s been aware of HT’s affections for a good while by now and even tentatively warmed up to some of it (for example, the aquarium date and the studs). (Even though, I think it’s still too early to talk about MGS being in love with HT.)

MGS has come a long way, and I might even say he’s gained some sexuality-related maturity on the way. Slowly but surely, he’s become comfortable with having HT around, and if after all this development he would say something like that, it would be a pretty big step backward. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t throw insults and lash out but let’s not forget we’re talking about a purebred tsundere here. That’s always going to happen with him.

And while we’re keeping it real, it’s not like HT would pay any mind to those insults. After MGS asked for the studs, I think HT’s resolve has only strengthened.

I hope this answer makes some sense, to me it feels like a bit of a mess of this and that. A lof of “I can’t deny that but still...” You really threw some hard questions and challenged my thinking a lot. Thank you!

#19 days #tianshan #zhanyi #Jian Yi #He Tian #mo guan shan #Zhan zheng xi #answered ask

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jewpacabruhs · 4 years

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hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about.

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do.

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it.

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally.

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020!

#txt #mine

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faithhudson · 4 years

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Like a Surgeon || Fauth

Tagging: Fae Hudson & Fauna Flanagan @faunaflanagan

Date: September 7

Bingo: Give someone a foot massage (Fauna), Bound and Photographed (Fae)

Summary: Pictures, foot rubs, and deep conversation

Start simple. That was what Fae kept telling herself now that Fauna was in the room with her and the reality of the scene was hitting her. She needed to tie someone up, for the first time outside of a class setting. To lean into the Dominant part of her mark, also for the first time. But the facts were simple: she wanted to help Fauna get points, and bingo was the way to do it. Sawyer would kill her if anything went wrong, and so she was determined to keep things as simple as she possibly could. "So," her voice cracked a little and she cleared her throat. "I'm thinking we do the foot massage after we're done with our photography session. I'm going to go with pretty simple rope bondage, because I don't actually know enough to do anything more complex, and I borrowed a gag from the playroom if you're cool with that for the last couple pictures. If not that's alright too, it was just a thought. Whenever you're ready, if you want to lay on the bed for me?"

Faunas only nerve about the scene with Faith was the photography, she wouldn't be naked but it was definitely pushing on the fear that somehow the pictures like so many others that she had allowed to be taken would come back to haunt her in the future. She pushed that thought out of her head, Faith was Sawyers sister. The man who she loved, loved Faith more than anyone in the world. Faith Hudson was not going to do something to hurt her. "That sounds totally fine Miss." Fauna responded. "I'm fine with the gag.. but if you wouldn't mind not posting those ones anywhere I'd appreciate it.. The rope ones however you can do what you want with." The submissive explained, and then lay back on the bed.

"Not anywhere," Fae promised. "Nothing in the square says these even have to be posted, just that you have to be bound and photographed. So if you want to share any of them in the end that's up to you, but I won't put them up anywhere unless you want me to." Fauna's comfort was paramount to her, and potentially compromising pictures weren't something she'd ever share without permission - not when her own mugshot was publicly available to anyone who searched her name on the web. "I'll start with your feet," she explained, taking a length of the rope and wrapping it around Fauna's ankles. "I'm just going to do a couple of simple knots. And if you get uncomfortable at any time, say so and this will stop. A bingo square isn't important compared to that."

"I'd prefer if they didn't go anywhere honestly Miss, there's already enough shit of me on the internet." Fauna said with some relief that it seemed that for now she was safe from further images of her on the internet. "That's no problem Miss." Fauna replied as the rope started to wrap around her legs, she'd never really had a problem with bondage but she guessed when you'd been doing it so long you were just sort of used to it. "I promise I'll let you know if I feel any discomfort."

Fae's eyebrows raised, but she didn't ask questions. Fauna's past, and whatever may have been on the internet, was none of her damned business unless Fauna said it was. "Then they're not going anywhere. If someone needs proof then they can look at them on my camera, but they won't go any further than that. You've got my word on it." "Good girl," she smiled. The tie was simple - laughably so to people who were better at this, she was sure. But they were knotted firmly, and she gave them an experimental tug to be sure they wouldn't slip off. "Perfect. Would you prefer to do your arms in front of you or behind?"

Fauna hoped that one day that maybe her and Faith might be closer, but for now she was content that the other girl simply wouldn't post the photos and the past could be the past. "You're awesome Miss, I really appreciate it." The little brunette never minded being called a good girl, so she gave the Switch a smile when she did so. "In front is maybe easier for pictures Miss?" She suggested, feeling like it would be easier to sit up and sort of pose with her hands in front of her.

"It's nothing," Fae promised. "One day you can punch my name into google and find my mugshot, so I get not wanting pictures of you on the internet. Like, you know those mugshots people post of hot criminals? Think the opposite of that, and you've got mine." "That sounds perfect - thank you for the suggestion." She knew she wasn't in her element, so having a submissive who was so willing to work with her made all the difference in the world. "Arms in front then, please." She began a slow wrap with a very long piece of rope, beginning at Fauna's wrists and criss-crossing until they reached her elbows. There was barely enough left to tie the ends together, and she hoped it would stay because it actually looked kind of cool. "That feel okay? Not digging in or anything?"

Faiths admission made Fauna feel a little more confident, maybe she didn't have to be closed off about the whole thing. Sawyer had promised that Faith would never judge her, so she bit her lip and then said. "God.. Google me and you're going to get a lot more of me than you can see right now. Honestly.. the internet has seen more than enough of Fauna Flanagan in compromising positions... I mean you're a very pretty girl I imagine your mugshot can't be so bad." The brunette held still for the switch while she worked, since she was currently taking a class on bondage she supposed she should probably be taking notes or something. The rope criss crossing over her arms was more than satisfying. "Feels great thank you Miss, tight but not like hurting me."

Fae frowned a little. It hurt to think that someone who seemed as kind and caring as Fauna had clearly had their trust betrayed that way. "I'm sorry to hear that, Fauna, I really am. Nobody deserves to have their privacy broken like that. But I'm never going to look them up. You're my brother's girlfriend, and more importantly you're a person. That stuff isn't my business, and I wouldn't want to see it unless you were showing it to me." She chuckled softly. "No, it's really bad. I look like I haven't showered for a week, I've got a fat lip, it's a whole ass mess." "Awesome!" Fae grinned, a little proud of herself for being able to do something that looked nice. "A couple of pictures now, then, and then we'll do the gag and a few more, and we'll be golden." Carefully, she helped Fauna into a seated position. She was only going to use her phone for the photos as it didn't have cloud backup and couldn't be hacked into. "Whatever position feels good, smile or no, okay? I'll just take a half dozen or so and then we'll do the next part."

Had it been any other time then Fauna might have actually welled up that Faith was willing to be so accepting, that she didn't think less of her because of what may or may not exist out there. But she focused on being a submissive and just gave the other girl a soft smile. "Thank you so very much Miss, it means a lot to me to hear you say that. Genuinely." She returned the chuckle with her own small giggle. "Well at least you won't end up in one of those awful Buzzfeed articles." Fauna returned the other girls smile, almost twitching to clap for her and then realising that her hands were bound. "No worries, we've got this down." The submissive agreed as Faith helped her over to the chair posing a little for the photograph and giving the girl a wide smile. Today was a good day.

"You're welcome, Fauna - I think it's what any decent person would do, but I'm happy to make sure you know that's how I feel." She'd never be part of something that would hurt someone that way, even if it wasn't Sawyer's girlfriend. "You're right about that, and I'm a little glad - last thing I need is to get internet famous for a drunk and disorderly." Fauna's smile filled Fae with a new confidence. She really was a great person, and Sawyer had definitely gotten lucky in meeting her. "We definitely do - I'll high five you once you're untied," she promised with a grin. The pictures went quickly, with a few small variations between them, and when she set the phone down she was more than satisfied. But they'd try the gag anyway, just for fun. "This is the one I got," she held up a small ballgag. "It'll only be in for a minute, but if you need it off then just hold up two fingers for me and it's gone just like that."

The brunette had never thought she'd be glad to have shared something like this with someone other than Alexis, but she felt somehow at peace with the whole thing that at least Faith didn't want her kicked out of Sawyers life for her past. "Yeah.. it's better if we can somewhat leave our pasts behind us. Though I wouldn't have judged you even if you were famous for that." She promised. Fauna felt nice and relaxed posing for the pictures, and she nodded at the gag. "No worries, I don't think a gag will be a problem at all. It's not my first time." She promised wanting to make sure Faith knew that she wasn't likely to be overwhelmed by anything like that. Opening her mouth for the gag.

"I completely agree," Fae nodded. "As much as we ever can, at least." People's pasts, for good or bad, tended to travel with them to one degree or another for all of their lives. "I really appreciate it a lot, Fauna. And I'll be happy to tell you stories from my wilder days if you ever want to hear them." Fauna was making the scene so easy, and Fae was truly grateful. It could have been incredibly scary tying someone up, and instead it seemed like a fun girl's day. "I'm glad to hear it," she smiled, popping the gag gently behind Fauna's teeth and buckling it behind her head. It looked - well, not that she'd ever say it out loud, but it looked damn hot. Grabbing her phone, Fae took another half-dozen pictures and nodded. "Awesome! I think that about takes care of it." The gag came out easily, and she set it aside. "Let me get these undone for you. And you did so great!"

Fauna nodded. "I wanna hear all I can about you, anything you wanna tell, I wanna hear." She told the Switch honestly. "I can tell you a little about the wild shit me and Ror got up to, I don't know if you've met him yet but my brother is totally mental.. in a good way." Having her picture taken just wasn't as bad as Fauna thought it would be, she could see the camera and she knew that they were being taken. There was nothing sneaky about it and Fauna felt safe in that knowledge. When the gag was undone, she gave the other girl a smile. "Glad to be a help Miss!" She beamed.

"We'll set aside some time and I'll entertain you with the tales of Fae's arrests. At least the parts of them that I remember." Which was only small snippets, sure, but she could at least make them entertaining. "I haven't met him properly, but I'm looking forward to these stories a lot. I'd like to get to know you better." She undid all of the knots and tossed the rope aside with a smile, offering a high-five. "You were more than a help - you kicked butt today. I couldn't have done that without you. So I guess there's just the foot massage left, huh?"

Fauna laughed. “Sometimes the best memories come only in fragments.” She responded, thinking of some of the late nights that she’d had with Rory. “He’s absolutely my favourite person in the world.. I think you’ll like him.” Fauna high fived the switch with a little whoop due to their success. And then nodded. “We’re a good team... Yup it’ll be my first time since high school so sorry if I’m a little rusty.” She apologised. “You wanna sit in the chair and then I’ll camp out on the floor?”

"You're not wrong there. I think most of my memories are fragments, honestly, but that's alcohol-induced." Her mind was not the most stable place, but at least she remembered the important things. "I'm sure I will! I like you, so I'm sure I'll like him." Fae shook her head. "It's all good. I can't remember the last time anybody touched my feet, so it'll be new for both of us. That sounds perfect," she nodded, heading for the chair and taking a seat. "I'm actually excited for this."

“I think I’ve filtered out a lot of shit from High school. Tried to focus on the good shit? You know?” She explained. Though some moments still lingered painfully. “I think we’re gonna try and do another family roast dinner with everyone.. so that we can all get to know eachother.” The little brunette knelt down by Faes feet, and then picked one up beginning to give it a rub. “Let me know if you hate it okay?”

"I completely understand. High school's a shitty time, and the more of it you can leave in the dust the better. I bailed on high school, so that part's easy enough for me." Fae's smile grew. "I remember Sawyer saying these roast dinners are pretty incredible, so I'm really looking forward to that." The sensation of hands on her feet was an unusual one, but not unpleasant by any means. From the way things felt, she carried stress there in a big way. "It's great so far, Fauna, no worries at all."

“Unfortunately there’s no bailing on high school allowed when you want to be a surgeon.. you have to sit through every lesson and pray it will all be worth it when you’re saving little kids.” Fauna shrugged and then returned the grin. “They are really good roast dinners, we try to do one for any and all special occasions.” The girl kept massaging the switches feet, switching the pressure every so often. “I feel kinda like some of those serving girls in Rome.”

Fae winced. "No, I guess there wouldn't be. It's easier when you've got no future and no plans," she joked, even if that cut a little close to the bone. "And I'm sure the first time you save a kid, Fauna, it'll be the best thing in the world no matter what you had to sit through." She smiled at the thought, it had been a long time since she'd been willing to have that kind of family gathering. "It'll be amazing, I know it." "Mmm," she let her head fall back. "So good. "Don't worry, though, I won't make you fan me with a big leaf or anything like that."

“You don’t have to have a plan yet though, I’m always telling Sawyer that colleges and schools have stood for hundreds of years.. they’ll always be waiting for you if you want them. Or if you don’t, there’s a whole world to explore.” The irish girl told her honestly. “Anything would be worth it if I could use my hands to save just one kid.” “I don’t know that we have any leaves big enough here anyway Miss.” Fauna giggled, and then reached for a little tub of lotion she’d brought. “Can I put some of this on for you Miss?”

"Thank goodness," Fae winked. "Because I really don't. And that's a good point - hopefully you can get him to de-stress a little because he takes a lot on himself and it's not good for him." She wasn't sure how much exploring she'd get done, but she could hope. "You will, Fauna. I know it. More than you can imagine right now, they'll all owe you so much." Fae laughed softly. "No, I don't think there are palm fronds in Ohio. The lotion sounds much better anyway, so please go ahead!"

“I mean a lot of people at our age don’t, and that’s cool. Sawyer stresses because he thinks people are expecting things of him. But.. I just want him to find something he’s passionate about. My knob of a father can finance him finding out what he wants... I’m going to do everything in my power to make him happy.” Fauna vowed. “You’re going to find your path too though Miss, don’t worry. That’s what your twenties are for.” Fauna opened the lotion and began to rub it on Faes feet. “Maurie got it for me to deal with sore feet from cheerleading . It does wonders I swear.”

Fae nodded - her brother had, for most of his life, carried everyone else on his back. Not least of all her. Even now she was still finding out new things that he'd done back in the day that she'd never realized because she'd been far too busy being drunk. "That means the world to me, Fauna. He deserves that, and I'm so glad that you'll be there to make it happen for him." Her smile was faded, but there. "And hey, if nothing else at least I know where I can be at thirty, huh?" It wasn't much of a joke, but she had to throw it out there. "That smells incredible - what's in that?" Fae leaned back in the chair with a relieved sigh as Fauna worked. "Ohh, you are a wonder."

“He does, I know it’s slightly unusual around here but me and him are partners. He’s not just my dominant, we take care of each other. I’m never gonna sit back and not do everything in my power for him.” She promised Fae. “Hey it’ll never come to that. You can always come to Malibu with us.” “Lavender and tea tree I think.. Maurie has a cure for everything, the woman is a wonder.” Fauna smiled.

"Honestly, I think that's how it has to be," Fae admitted. "I don't get the idea of a relationship where someone's just a sub or just a dom. Like we're still people who care about each other. And he's lucky you care about him so much." Her smile was much smaller now. "I'd never make Sawyer use a claim to bail my ass out. He's been bailing my ass out his whole life." Inhaling deeply, Fae gave an appreciative moan. "Amazing. Just amazing. Feels great, too - you've got good hands for this kind of thing."

Fauna shrugged. “I didn’t grow up like that, my Dad... its not like that. And I never want to be like that.” She knew it was a somewhat closed off statement but she didn’t entirely think it would help to talk about her home life. “He doesn’t see it that way, I promise you that. Sawyer doesn’t resent taking care of you. Besides I’d do it for Ror.. if he hadn’t found someone. It’s just what you do for family.” The brunette continued to work her hands. “Honestly it’s a skill I’ve not used in a while, maybe I should bring it back.”

Faith nodded, not wanting to comment on a situation she knew nothing about. It was hard for her to imagine that kind of parents, because Carole and Christopher hadn't been like that, and neither had Carole and Burt. "Then it never will be. I know Sawyer wouldn't want that kind of thing either." She exhaled softly. "I know he wouldn't. But I'd feel really guilty if he had to close off part of his future just to look after me. He's too good sometimes." "You definitely should. You could make good money at this," she teased, inhaling sharply as Fauna found just the right spot to work some tension out.

"No.. We want the same things him and I.." Fauna responded with a small smile. She thought of telling Faith that she thought that Sawyer wanted to keep his spot open for her or Finn or even Rory if it came to it. But she decided that angle wasn't the healthiest. "You wouldn't need it anyway Miss, you're going to find a person who you want to be with and then you'll wonder why you ever worried." Fauna laughed. "Well if they won't let me do surgery I guess I could always do physical therapy."

"I'm so glad. Like honestly, Fauna, I am so happy and grateful you two got together. You seem like just what he needs, and I'm glad he's the same for you." She hoped that Fauna was right, but the truth was that she'd always been prepared for her journey to end at the auctions. "I hope you're right," she admitted softly. "I guess we'll find out." Faith laughed, flexing her toes with a pleased sigh. "You'll be a surgeon. Sawyer would never let you settle for less than that."

"Honestly it's so wonderful to have you accept me, I've never really been girlfriend material before. I'll admit I was nervous." She shrugged. "Honestly if you'd asked me six months ago if i'd find my 'person' so to speak I would have laughed, these things they creep up on you." "I mean I'm an amazing doctor I won't lie, it's the whole submissive thing that's the problem. But.. I have this feeling I'll make it." She told Faith honestly.

Fae found that hard to believe. Fauna seemed like an amazing girlfriend, and just the sort of person her brother needed to balance him out. "You're perfect girlfriend material, Fauna. I promise you." That was actually a good point, and she couldn't really deny it. "That's fair. I guess we'll just have to see what the future holds." She knew she was lucky - not only that she had no plans, but also that she was a Switch and didn't have to deal with that. "The nice part is as far as that goes, you'll have Sawyer going to bat for you. He'll do everything he can to make sure you're working the job you should be."

Fauna flushed, it was nice to think that's how she came off now. Not the slut who nobody wanted around, the girl who'd fucked the Dean, but Sawyers Hudsons nice little girlfriend. "We will indeed, I'll keep my eye out for anyone who gives me a vibe like they could make a good date." She promised. "I do have Sawyer, and my friends in my corner. Plus talent. And luckily for me, a wealthy father who might be a wanker but he's got influence and that means something in these kind of rigged games." She admitted, screwing the lid shut on the lotion.

"I appreciate it," Fae smiled. She knew she carried more baggage than a plane could hold, but one never knew. Madeline had wanted her to try with other people, and so anyone Fauna could suggest would be good for that. "A whole load of talent," she nodded. "I'm glad you've got all of those things working in your favor, because you deserve it. You'll get where you're meant to be, I know it." She stretched and yawned. "That was amazing. My feet are going to be so much happier for the next few days. Thank you so much."

"My Mom always warned me that once I got settled I'd get into matchmaking, I always thought she was mad.. but here I am." The submissive laughed. The belief that Faith seemed to have in her was more than kind, and it was more touching to Fauna than the irish girl was likely to express. "I'm glad I could relax you, Maurie will be thrilled to hear that I got some use out of her cream. Thank you ever so much for helping me today Miss, and for chatting. It was nice to spend more time with you."

“I don’t know if doing it once counts as getting into matchmaking, so I think you’re probably alright,” Fae promised. “I’d hate to be a part of fulfilling a prophecy like that, so we won’t let it happen too often.” Fae smiled, reaching out to lay a hand on Fauna’s shoulder. “You’re so welcome - and thank you for helping me out too, because there aren’t many people who would.” Spending time with Fauna had been a very unexpected bright spot in her day. “It was great to have some more you and me time without a broken down car involved. Can I get a hug before you go?”

"We'll see, I hear that being a matchmaker is a slippery slope." Fauna teased. "Thanks you've really got my back when it comes to making sure that I don't end up more involved in other peoples affairs than my own." The submissives smile only grew when Faith laid a hand on her shoulder. "It was genuinely a pleasure, there aren't a tonne of people I feel comfortable with but you made this a dream." She admitted. "Hey if you ever wanna just hang out, I'm always just knocking about Sawyers baking or something. You should come by, we could play monopoly." She wrapped her arms tight around Faith in a hug.

“We’ll be doubly careful then. If I see you doing it with anyone else I’ll cough politely and remind you to stop.” Fauna’s thanks made her blush, and she could only grin in reply. “I’ve got your back in any way you need.” “Then I’m very glad I made the cut, and even more glad this went okay for you.” Knowing now that there was a history that might have made her uncomfortable made Fae all the more proud things had gone well. “I’ll be there one day soon, you’ve got my word.” She leaned into the hug, letting it linger before pulling back. “Have a great rest of your day, alright?”

Fauna giggled. "Well.. if it's going well.. you could maybe refrain." She teased and then patted the girls back. "It went great, you genuinely have nothing to worry about when it comes to Domming in scenes. I'd recommend you to a friend." Fauna promised, slowly pulling away from the hug. "You too! I hope you get Bingo.. just not before me." She giggled, and with a wave she left

#c: fauna #thread: like a surgeon #bingo20

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alarawriting · 4 years

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California Road Trip (Good Omens/Lucifer (TV))

OK, it is normally not my policy to post fanfiction to this account, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like a bad idea to do it if it’s a brand new fandom I haven’t done stuff in before, so here I go.

A few notes before I start here:

Both Good Omens and the tv series Lucifer are very, very much situated within Christian mythos - Christian specifically, not Judaism. However, Jesus Christ is very much Jewish. I don’t want to offend any Jewish readers, but I just won’t put up with the Christian historical attempt to somehow erase this fact. So I’m going to try to write him as a practicing Jew, which I admit is going to be weird, because generally speaking, Jewish people do not believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ, which puts him in a kind of “who shaves the barber” situation here.

If there are any Jewish folks out there who would not be bothered by being asked questions about Judaism for the sake of a fanfic starring Jesus Christ and the Antichrist on a road trip, please let me know, because while I’ve been reading about Judaism my entire life and have a great deal of interest in the religion and culture, the fact remains that I was raised Catholic.

BTW, the title is a working title and may very well end up changed.

Adam Young sat morosely on a bench in the baggage claim at LAX, occasionally kicking his satchel as an expression of his frustration. Bloody stupid America had to be so bloody damn big. And he couldn’t do anything mundane about it – couldn’t hire a car, his driver’s license wasn’t valid in the States; couldn’t get a flight to San Francisco, because Mum and Dad were hardly made of money and his own funds had been just enough to get here; and maybe there was public, a bus or something, but how was he supposed to find it? All the signs and adverts on the walls were for car rental agencies and buses to local hotels.

He fussed with his phone, trying to get Google to tell him how to get a bus to San Francisco so he wouldn’t have to use his other options. The data plan didn’t work in the States and the airport didn’t have free wifi, so he was trying to find an unsecured network he could hop on. Strengthening the signal of an unsecured network seemed to him more legitimate than, say, hacking a secure network, and much more so than, for example, shortening the distance between Los Angeles and San Francisco so he could hire a taxi. He was definitely not going to go that far.

“Hey there,” he heard a man say. “You look frustrated. Anything I can do to help?”

Adam looked up. There was a tall, skinny man with shaggy brown hair in a ponytail, the almost-not-quite sprinkling of facial hair on the chin that people were calling a “soul patch”, and light brown skin of the kind you might see on an Arab, or a Greek, or given that this was the States, maybe a Mexican. He was dressed in very nondescript American clothes – gray t-shirt, plaid long-sleeve shirt unbuttoned, blue jeans, sneakers – and had the kind of friendly smile that made you immediately want to trust him and tell him your problems. Adam was deeply suspicious.

“Oh, no, don’t put yourself to any trouble on my account,” Adam said. “I’ve just got a thing I need to work out, is all.”

“No problem,” the man said. “But if there’s anything I can do to help you, please, just ask. We’re family, after all.” He grinned widely.

Adam blinked at that. “…Family?”

The man extended his hand. “Josh Carpenter. I’m your cousin.”

Adam’s da had no siblings. Mum had one, Adam’s flamboyantly gay uncle who definitely did not have any children or Adam would have been hearing about them his entire life. “I don’t have any cousins.”

“Well. Okay. Technically I’m your uncle, but you and I are a lot closer in age than the rest of the family so I really don’t feel comfortable calling myself an uncle.”

“I’ve only one uncle and you’re definitely not him.”

“Other side of the family,” Josh said.

Adam stood up, preparing to put some distance between himself and the obvious scammer. “My da hasn’t got any brothers or sisters.”

“Other other side, Adam,” Josh said. “The side you don’t like to think about much.”

And that knocked the wind out of him. Adam stared at the other man, who looked to be at most a year or two older than Adam himself. “…My other other side. You mean… my bio-father.”

“That’s a rather cold word to use, but I can see why it would be your choice,” Josh said. “Yes. Your bio-father’s my older half-brother.”

“So you’re a—” He hesitated. How did you publicly call someone an angel, or a demon, and which would it be? And wouldn’t it be offensive if he got it wrong? He’d gotten the distinct impression from Crowley and Az that most of their people were not nearly as laid-back or friendly as they were, and if this was an emissary from his bio-father, was he going to have to unleash his other side after all? They weren’t supposed to interfere on Earth, not in any way that inconvenienced him, anyway.

“Oh, no, no. I’m as human as you are.” Josh smiled again. The expression lit up his entire face, making him practically radiate ‘I’m a great guy, you should want to be my friend.’

Adam was about to retort that if Josh knew as much as he thought he did, he’d know exactly how human Adam was, and wasn’t, when his brain finished processing the name “Josh Carpenter” in the context of the other things the man had said, and realized who he was talking to. “Wait – you’re – my God.” Abruptly he realized that what he’d said was so apropos it went out the other side to being inappropriate. “I mean—”

Josh laughed. “Don’t worry about it, I know what you’re trying to say,” he said. “Anyway, I’m not, you know. Not like people think, anyway. I’m basically like you.”

Adam, entirely too aware of how close to being a god he was, was not reassured. “So, um… do we need to fight now, or something? Because I really don’t want to fight anyone.”

This time Josh’s laugh wasn’t a gentle chuckle, but more like a belly laugh. “No, no!” He got his hilarity under control. “No. You made your decision when you were eleven, and I’m really glad, because I never wanted any of that nonsense either. And to be perfectly honest I don’t think Father did either. The whole thing came from John’s predictions, and I think they all somehow got the idea that John was channeling information directly from Father because he was one of my best friends, but the truth is? John was… a little weird, to be honest. Wonderful guy, great friend, but… he was never all that grounded, if I’m being honest.”

“So wait. None of that business was in the Divine Plan after all?”

“Contrary to popular belief I don’t generally have any more idea what Father is up to than anyone else, but I do know Him better than most, and no. I don’t think any of that was His idea.”

“Huh.”

Adam must have made a face that somehow indicated his bemusement, because Josh asked, “What?”

“It’s just… I’ve got a pair of friends. Well, I’m sure you know about them if you know about the Apocawasn’t, and Crowley and Az both refer to God as Her.”

Josh shook his head. “It’s a thing He’s been encouraging lately because the English language doesn’t have a good neuter pronoun, and obviously God is larger than any concept of gender, and He’s not really thrilled with what humans have assumed about Him based on the pronoun. But He doesn’t really care which you use, as long as it’s respectful, and… I had a biological mother. I’ve had quite some time where I’ve been using masculine pronouns, so I’m not going to switch unless He asks me to.”

“But it’s okay that I call Her my grandmother? Because that’s hilarious.”

“Sure. Grandmother, grandfather, granddeity… whatever you want. Long as it’s respectful enough.”

“I’m not sure my mental picture of God in a babushka kerchief and a rocking chair is respectful though.”

“Ah, ‘respectful’ when I say it doesn’t mean what the people who supposedly listen to me mean when they say it. I’m Jewish. If you want to picture God as rocking in a chair and wearing a kerchief, maybe doing Her knitting, creating a planet or two? That’s fine. The respect we’re called on to give to God – and by we, I mean humans, but I don’t think it’s much different for half-humans like you and me – is exactly like the respect you give your grandmother. If your grandmother says something that’s stupid and insensitive, you challenge her, because it was stupid and insensitive. If she has rules that make no sense, you challenge them. If She disowned your brother and most of his friends because he talked back to Her, absolutely you get to call Her on that and tell Her that was a dick move. But you still respect her, because She’s your grandmother. You exist because She gave you life, directly or indirectly.”

Adam thought he had stopped talking about a merely hypothetical grandmother about halfway through that. “Really? You tell God that something She did was a dick move?” He laughed.

“Every chance I get,” Josh said, grinning. “We actually disagree about a lot of things, but He listens to me more than He does to anyone else, I guess. Youngest son syndrome or something.”

Adam had in his life had conversations about ending the world, about life on the planets of Alpha Centauri, and about the management structure of Hell, but this still counted as one of the more surreal conversations he’d ever had. “So. Um. Were you just doing something when I happened to stroll by, or did you actually come here to see me?”

Josh put up his hands. “Guilty, I admit it,” he said. “I knew you were here and I knew you were in a little bit of trouble. I didn’t want to pry enough to find out what, though, so you want to tell me? I can probably help out.”

“I don’t need a miracle. I can do that for myself.”

“Good for you. I don’t do them anymore unless it’s an emergency, either, so I think we’re on the same page about that. What’s wrong?”

Adam sighed. “It’s such a bloody stupid mistake to make. I forgot how big the States are. In particular, this state. I came here to see Pepper at Berkeley, she’s doing her grad studies there… you know my friend Pepper, right?”

“She was there that day, so yes, I do.”

“You weren’t there, though.”

“The angels knew I disapproved of the whole thing and kept interfering with me getting a chance to talk to you, but I definitely checked out the whole thing afterward. So yes, I know of Pepper.”

“Right. And the price for a flight to Los Angeles was so much less than San Francisco, I could afford it myself without asking Mum and Da for money. And I had completely forgot that it’s a three hour drive between the two cities, because seriously? That’s much too much for the same state! Who even drew the boundaries for this state, because it’s ridiculous!”

Josh laughed. “I won’t argue against that. And I think I may have just the thing. Although it might take a miracle of the more mundane variety to get it to actually drive for three hours straight without breaking down, but I do have a pickup truck.”

Adam raised an eyebrow, taking in Josh’s appearance. “I’d have thought some kind of, I don’t know, tiny enviro-friendly electric car would be more your thing.”

Josh snorted. “Do you have any idea how much those things cost? If I had that kind of money, it’d go straight to a soup kitchen, maybe a homeless shelter or two. My pickup’s not the greatest, but it still runs, and it lets me carry furniture donations and things like that.”

“You do some kind of ministry or something?”

“Always,” Josh nodded. “Though not like you’re probably thinking. My day’s over; I’m here on Earth because you are, not for my own sake, so I let humans take the lead. I do volunteer work for several of the local Jewish charities, helping the homeless, the hungry, you know.” He leaned on the wall with one hand. “So. Up for a road trip with your cousin?”

“Uncle.”

“You’re making me feel old.”

“You’re two thousand, I should hope so!” Adam said, grinning.

“Yes, but all my brothers and sisters are billions of years older than me, so by that standard, you and I are practically the same age.” He pushed off the wall. “And speaking of my brothers. Did you know your father is in town?”

Adam went cold. “Wait, what? The Devil is here in Los Angeles?”

“Yes. Running a nightclub, apparently.” Josh put a hand on Adam’s shoulder. “You know, I really think you should meet with him. You shouldn’t completely shut your father out of your life even if you don’t want to be close.”

“He’s not my father,” Adam scowled. “My Da’s the one who taught me to ride a bike and who read stories to me at night and cooked me terrible hash browns when Mum was poorly and couldn’t make supper.”

“Right, I get that,” Josh said. “My dad taught me how to build a house, or a cabinet, and taught me how to ride a donkey, and used to walk me to Temple so he’d know where I was because he said I was going to go anyway so he might as well walk me there. But I also have a Father. It’s okay, you know, to acknowledge more than two parents. Step-parents and adopted parents have been a thing since humanity came into existence.”

“Yeah, well, your Father never appeared to you as a giant monster crawling out of the pavement trying to destroy your entire planet.”

“And I really think you ought to try to meet up with Lucifer and talk to him about that. Put some of those conflicts to bed. He was frequently a pretty terrible person when he was running Hell, but… it’s Hell. It makes people terrible even if they were great to begin with. He’s so much better now that he’s not there anymore.”

“What, do you hang out with him often?”

Josh shook his head. “He doesn’t even know I’m here. I haven’t gone to look him up in person, but… you know how it is. If you’re interested in knowing about a person… sometimes it just happens. That happens to you, too, right?”

Adam nodded slowly. “Yeah. Actually it does.” The thought occurred to him that Josh was the only other person on the planet who might really understand some of Adam’s challenges and sorrows in life. The stress of having to restrain near-omnipotent power, so often, because you wanted to be a human and to fit in with humanity, not to stand above it as some sort of lonely god – or devil. Crowley and Az knew a bit of it, but they’d never been human, and Warlock understood some of the weirdness of Adam’s life but had never had the power to perform miracles.

He made a decision. “If you’re offering, I’ll take you up on that trip to San Francisco, and you can maybe talk me into… meeting my bio-dad. Maybe. No promises.”

“That’s all I can ask,” Josh said.

“But if your car will hold together well enough… I’ve got a friend in the States, out on this coast, but I knew Washington was much too far away for me to visit him without a second plane trip. Maybe we could head up north and see him?” Warlock had fled the East Coast and the influence of his toxic parents as soon as he’d turned of age to do so. Adam had met him once or twice after the Apocawasn’t, when his father had had to come back to England – he hadn’t been the American ambassador anymore but he’d still had reasons to come back – and Crowley and Az had brought him to see the boy who should have been his parents’ son, his quasi-brother, at his insistence. But they hadn’t met in person in a few years; Warlock wouldn’t take money from his parents to fly to England and this was Adam’s first trip to the States.

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

Adam grinned, remembering something. “Oh yeah. Is there an ice cream place around here? I heard as a kid that America has thirty one ice cream flavors.”

Josh laughed. “Only thirty-one? You’re in for a treat. Yeah, I know where to find the nearest Baskin-Robbins, that’s the chain that advertised about the thirty-one flavors. There’s actually a lot more than that. Though sadly, Baskin-Robbins’ stores don’t generally have all thirty-one at once.” He gestured toward the door. “Come on. It’s kind of a hike. I couldn’t afford to park in the closer lots.”

Adam picked up his satchel and followed Josh. “I don’t mind a walk,” he said.

#good omens #lucifer (tv)

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aestheticsandwriting · 4 years

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One-Shot a Day, Day 18: Pretend BF/GF- RvB

Day 18: Pretend BF/GF. Wash stays on Chorus after the war to help with the recovery efforts, though he still stays in close contact with the others on the moon. During that time, he and Kimball become close, though only friends. The Reds, Blues, and Carolina all know he has somebody close in his life, and they think it’s a girlfriend, so when they invite him to their monthly dinner together, they suggest he bring her.

“Everything’s still good for you to come out to dinner on the twenty-eighth, right?” Wash smiles at how excited Tucker is to see him in person. He never thought he would admit to it, but he misses the former aqua-colored soldier as well.

“Yep, I’ll be there. I’m looking forward to seeing you all again. Four weeks really can seem like a lifetime.”

“You know there’s always room for you here if you want to come, Wash.” The blond smiles again as Carolina speaks. It had been hard for her to separate from him, and he had asked her to stay, but she refused, telling him it was time she stepped away from being a soldier. The first six months apart she had skyped him every night, needing to see him for reassurance.

“I know, thanks, Carolina, I might come for a weekend sometime, but I’m doing a lot of good here.”

“Oh! Wash, before we forget! When you come next week, bring your girlfriend with you!”

“My girlfriend?” Without his consent, his cheeks immediately start turning red at the pink-clad man, and he internally curses his pale skin for what must be the billionth time in his life. “I don’t-”

“Oh come on, Wash, you’re always hanging out with this mysterious female friend of yours, there has to be something going on. We want to meet her!”

“Tucker, I don-”

“Nope, no excuses. See you next week!” Donut hits the ‘end call’ button, leaving Wash to gently drop his forehead against the table in front of him in the abandoned mess hall, an exasperated groan leaving his mouth.

“That doesn’t sound good,” the female voice laughs out gently, causing Wash to startle slightly and raise his head. “Want to talk?”

"I'm going to Iris next Thursday for monthly dinner with the gang, and somehow they've all gotten it in their heads that I have a girlfriend," he pauses for a beat, "and that I need to bring her with me."

"But you don't have a girlfriend."

"But I don't have a girlfriend," he sighs, "they claim I have a girlfriend cause of this 'mysterious female friend' I'm always doing things with, and I know I've mentioned your name before, but I guess they don't think it's you? And I guess they don't listen to the fact that most of what I tell them we're doing is rebuilding efforts and they haven't put two and two together? I don't know, but now I'm stuck in this predicament."

"I'll go with you." The dark-haired woman finally takes a seat next to the blond, placing her hands on the table in front of them.

"Kimball, I can't ask you to do that."

"You don't have to, I'm offering. I could use the break, and it would be good to see them again."

"You know it means either us pretending to be in a relationship the whole time or an awkward explanation as to why you're with me but how we're not together." Wash's blue eyes light up with the prospect, and the former general can see the excitement he's trying to conceal.

"I think it would be fun to play with them a bit, don't you? Let them think they were right and then tell them after we get home." Her dark eyes twinkle with mischief, smirk donning her lips.

“You’re an evil woman Vanessa Kimball, and I absolutely love that idea. You’ll come as my plus one, we’ll spend the evening pretending we’re together, and then the next day when we have our weekly skype session, I’ll tell them it was fake,” the blond laughs, looking forward to getting back at his friends for some of the ridiculous pranks they’ve pulled on him over the years.

“We should even come up with cute nicknames for each other,” she laughs out.

“Oh, they’re going to flip when you step off that pelican next to me, babe.” Wash grins, shying away playfully as she smacks his shoulder lightly.

“Do not call me that.”

“Love? Darling? My dearest?”

“Have you ever been in a relationship, Washington?”

“Once or twice. Though never with somebody as formidable as you,” the blond replies, a sincere smile taking the place of the joking one from the moments previous, a few butterflies in his stomach at the thought of having her as a girlfriend, something that had been happening more and more frequently the more they spent time together. ‘No, Washington, this is only fake to pull a prank on your friends. None of this will be real.’

“Thank you, I appreciate that. How about you just stick to calling me ‘Nessa. I haven’t let anybody call me that in a long time.” Wash can see the vulnerability in her eyes even as she tried desperately to hide it, smiling inwardly at the closeness of their bond, glad to have a friend that he can confide in and that they will confide in him. “I’m going to try to get some sleep,” she continues, Wash barely catching the words through his train of thought. as she rises, patting his shoulder before taking a few steps, pausing, turning slightly back towards him and finishing her sentence, “you should do the same, honey.” She smiles wickedly as she turns and dashes from the room before he can react, leaving him laughing as her footsteps retreat down the hallway.

Six days later, the two board their pelican in casual dress, Wash in jeans and an old hoodie that had somehow managed to stay with him since freelancer, and Kimball in slacks and a blouse having come straight from work to the hanger. “Buckled?” The dark-haired woman asks.

“Yep, ready to go.”

“Hanger two command, this is pelican five requesting clearance for flight to Iris.” Wash had been shocked when he found out Vanessa was a pilot, though he really shouldn’t have been, but that was going to make the flight there and back more enjoyable. No nosey pilot to hear them practicing at being a couple and spreading rumors. There was nothing odd about her deciding things were stable enough to go see the group that helped save their planet, there would definitely have been talk, though, if a pilot had heard them calling each other pet names.

“Pelican five, this is hanger two command you are clear for takeoff, have a nice flight.”

“Thank you, hanger two, pelican five out.”

“AGENT WASHINGTON IS HERE!” The pretend couple hears Caboose’s voice through the closed pelican door, rolling their eyes at the formerly regulation blue soldier’s words, knowing that the others will be emerging from the base momentarily.

“You ready for this? There’s still time for you to go hide in the cockpit and me to tell them the truth right now.” The blond looks at his companion earnestly, truly wanting her to be comfortable with what they’re about to do.

“I’m ready.” She reaches out and hits the ‘door open’ button with her left hand, allowing her right to slide into his left, entwining their fingers together, smirk settling on her lips.

“What. The. Fuck. Wash. You’re dating Kimball and you didn’t tell us?” Wash recoils as Tucker’s voice rises in pitch, grimacing at the volume and intensity of it. “Why the fuck would you keep something like this from us?”

“To be fair, nobody on Chorus knows either, for one. And two, with as much as I mention us going to work on rebuilding plans and political structure, you should’ve put two and two together,” he replies, letting go of Kimball’s hand to give Carolina a hug as she approaches him.

“She’s a keeper,” she whispers in his ear, a faint blush trying to make its way up his neck at her words.

“Thanks, boss. She is pretty great.”

After some idle chatter, mostly the reds and blues asking them about their relationship -and them replying with pre-thought of responses based on what Wash thought they would ask- Simmons announces dinner, a ‘finally’ being uttered by Grif, and they all shuffle into the kitchen.

"So, how long have the two of you been a thing?" Wash blushes slightly at Carolina's words.

"Not long, couple of months is all," comes Kimball's response.

'She is so much better at this than I am.' To say that Washington feels out of his league is an understatement; he feels like he's drowning, though hopefully, he doesn't show it. He can get away with faking it to the reds and blues -except maybe Tucker- but fucking with Carolina is a different matter entirely. "It's felt like a lot a lot longer, though," the blond adds, turning to flash a smile at his 'girlfriend,' visibly squeezing her hand twice with his where they rest on the table in view of all their friends.

"Well gosh, y'all, I'm so happy for you!"

“Thanks, Donut, we’re happy, and just waiting for the right time to come out publicly with it. You know, there are still some people who are on edge, waiting for another civil war to break out, and this would throw a wrench in their faith in ‘Nessa, so we’re keeping it down-low for now.”

“That seems reasonable. Kimball, I’d like to talk to you about some of the rebuilding efforts, want to go somewhere a little quieter?”

“Of course.” The tan-skinned woman stands, Carolina standing across from her, and she leans down, dropping a kiss on Wash’s temple. “Enjoy your time catching up with Kai and the boys, love.”

“Dude,” Tucker speaks once the two females have left the room, “how could you not tell me you a Kimball were a thing?”

“Tucker, you have to understand-”

“Yeah, I understand you’re boning the president of Chorus! One of the most badass fucking people ever, and you didn’t tell your best friend!” Wash can tell that Tucker isn’t really hurt, more just disappointed, and hides his laughter easily, thankful for the years of practice.

“You have to understand that it’s been something we just wanted between us for a while,” Wash desperately wishes the words he’s speaking were true, having grown fonder and fonder of the newly elected president in their months spent rebuilding and reshaping Chorus’ future. “Nobody knew until now.”

“I’m impressed, Wash, never thought you could hide something like this,” that’s Grif finally speaking up, having decided he had stuffed his face enough for the moment -give him about half an hour and he’d have a snack in his hand, Wash knew. “Figured this would be something you couldn’t keep quiet.”

“It’s surprisingly not that difficult.”

In the other room

“I did want to talk to you about a few things, but first let me tell you that if you ever purposefully hurt David, you will answer to me.”

“Carolina, I-”

“I mean it. He doesn’t need his head or his heart played with any more than it already has been.”

“I have no intention of hurting him; he’s become quite dear to me, and I don’t want that to change.”

“Good. If you ever need help figuring out something about him, give me a call. I don’t know how much about his past he’s told you, but he sometimes has… issues. Mornings, in particular, can be hard for him.”

“Thank you.”

Forty minutes later, the group is curled up in the large living room, having convinced the pair to stay for a movie despite the fact that it means they are now cuddled, almost on top of each other, on the couch, Wash’s arms wrapped around Kimball’s waist.

They decide on the old earth-favorite, Star Wars Episode Four: A New Hope, all making comments throughout the film, causing Kimball to roll her eyes as she tries to concentrate as the only one that’s never seen it before. “We’ll watch it again sometime so you can actually focus if you’d like, ‘Nessa?” Wash whispers in her ear, silently pleased as he feels goosebumps erupt on her arms, plopping a small kiss on her neck, something they had deemed would be acceptable in certain circumstances to further convince the others of their relationship, smiling back at her as she smiles up at him, nodding her agreement.

By the end of the movie, Kimball is asleep, Wash loathe to wake her, but unwilling to stay the night, “‘Nessa, time to head back to Chorus.”

“Hmm? Oh, is the movie over? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go to sleep.”

“You two go get some rest. Kimball, you’re welcome to come anytime Wash does,” the redhead stands, hugging her former partner and shaking hands with the president, the others rising to say goodbye as well.

“Wash, principle Kimball, do you have to go?”

“Yeah, Caboose, we have to get back. We have lots of things to do tomorrow.”

“Oh. Are you making things better for everyone?”

“Yep, we’re working hard to do that.”

“I guess that’s okay then. Tell Smith I said hi.”

“We will.”

Chorus, Hanger Bay Two

“You know, I had fun. It was good to see them again.” The relatively short pelican trip back to Chorus had been quiet, both absorbed in their thoughts.

“Did Lina interrogate you?”

“Yeah,” she laughs, “yeah, she did. But in all honesty, I did have a lot of fun.”

“So did I,” and there’s the blush again, Wash grateful that they are now in an abandoned hallway. “And, um,” he laughs, stumbling over his words, “you’re a good girlfriend.”

“You’re not too bad yourself, honey.” The pair laugh, shoulders bumping into each other as they make their way towards her room. “I wonder what they’re going to say when they find out it was fake.”

“Yeah…”

“You okay?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

“What’s going on Washington? You had that tone of voice you always get when I know you’re thinking too hard.”

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking about what you said. About their reactions.”

“Want to share?”

“What if…” he takes a deep breath as they come to stop in front of her door. “What if it wasn’t fake? I enjoyed getting to be your boyfriend for the evening, and I’ve had feelings stronger than friendship for a while now. If you don’t have the sa-”

“I’m going to stop you right there.”

“Of course, I understand,” the dark-haired woman nearly flinches at the hurt evident in his eyes despite the measures taken to hide it, “goodnight President Kimball.”

“You didn’t let me finish.” She steps forward, grabbing his wrist gently to keep him from moving any further away. “I’m a forward woman, have been my whole life, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t enjoyed myself like I did tonight in a long time. I like you a lot, David. You’re the closest friend I’ve had in a long time, and I would enjoy exploring our feelings together.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Cause honestly, after having done this, I’m not sure how I could keep from doing it again.” Wash cups the shorter woman’s face in his hands, gently pulling her up to meet his lips in a firm yet gentle kiss.

“You know, I believe I slept the best I have in a long time during the movie tonight; it was rather nice feeling secure in somebody else’s arms. Would you like to stay with me?”

“Only if you’re absolutely sure.”

“I’m very sure.”

“Then I accept.” He smiles, kissing her again as she meets him in the middle this time, blindly punching her key code into the pad and opening the door.

“Goodnight, ‘Nessa,” the blond whispers into her ear fifteen minutes later, one arm draped over her waist, the other tucked under her neck, legs tangled together.

“Goodnight.”

#agent washington/vanessa kimball #agent washingtonXvanessa kimball #rvb #Red vs Blue #one-shot #one-shot a day #december one shot a day #Mod Becca #becca's writing #becca's writings #rvb fanfic #rvb fic

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mr-lancers-english-class · 5 years

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Bringing a Ghost Hunter to a Laser Tag Fight

Phic Phight Entry! Prompt by @confusedandghostly: Valerie is questioned after a round of lazer tag with some friends because of her ridiculously good aim.

Word Count: 1368

AO3

It wasn’t until they all made it back home that they began to actually think about it. It was meant to be a fun Friday night, what with Valerie back in the group. All the A-Listers out to celebrate Starr’s birthday. Something fun and stupid and cheap. Laser tag. It wasn’t until they all thought about it that something seemed off.

Dash realized when he was watching Casablanca the next night, at home with his sister. The way Rick held the gun at the end had no confidence. It was the way people hold their first gun: just a bit wary. Admittedly, Dash thought to himself, movies from the 1940s are a whole lot different than now. That’s just how they held fake prop guns back then. So what if she held it better than that? It took another couple of seconds before he realized the she he was referring to was definitely Valerie, and another couple of minutes to dissuade himself of the idea that she knew what she was doing the last night. But his quiet reassurances couldn’t stop the little questioning thought in the back of his head.

Kwan realized the next day when he was throwing a frisbee with his dog. Having hit three trees, his own car, the car next to his car, another dog, and two pedestrians, he muttered to himself “Valerie would never miss the dog. She’d never hit a car or a person, and I’m the one on the football team.” He threw the frisbee two more times before the absurdity of his statement hit him, and was about to release it a third time when he knew for certain that what he had said was, without a doubt, true. His dog barked, so he threw the disc into a picnic table on accident, and thought back to the laser tag game.

Paulina took a week to even begin thinking about the fake guns and their little light shows. It was only watching the Red Huntress weave and dodge Skulker while fighting Phantom that she started comparing the ecto weapons to the laser guns, and it was only after Skulker was gone and the Huntress had no distractions from Phantom that she began to realize just how smooth and natural Valerie was in the game. Nobody should be good at laser tag without cheating, and Paulina was pretty sure she’d never seen Valerie so much as stumble in the dark arena.

While Dash, Kwan, and Paulina were happy and carefree until they started thinking too much, Starr noticed immediately. She had invited Valerie, despite her fall from the social ladder freshman year. They’d always been friends, closer than people thought, and as seniors now, Starr just didn’t care about publicly hanging out with the “right” friends. So when Valerie won the first game by almost a thousand points, Starr paid attention. When Valerie won the next game by double her own score, Starr became wary. After attempting to follow Valerie in the third game and losing her in less than a minute, then watching as she once again placed first, Starr wanted answers. For the fourth game, Starr didn’t even bother trying to find Valerie; she specifically tried to get surrounded in the hopes that Valerie would find her. It worked, and watching Valerie snipe half the enemies and then evade and destroy the other half actually began to make Starr frightened by her classmate. Being a black belt meant Valerie was skilled and strong, but only real life experience could lead to her comfort in the dark, smoky, flashy arena and her comfort with the little laser pistols. After the fifth game, Starr finally managed to corner Valerie at the food counter.

“Hey Val.”

“Starr! This has been so fun. I needed a night off.”

“Well, I’m glad. It’s been too long.”

“Yeah, it has,” Valerie smiled. “Happy birthday!”

“Thank you, Val,” Starr sat down at the counter, and motioned for Valerie to join her. “You want anything? My parents have a tab or whatever it’s called here, and even if you order something big, they’ll blame it on Dash or Kwan. They eat a lot.” Valerie laughed.

“Yeah, they do. Remember, in fifth grade, when they each tried to eat a whole pizza?”

“That was hilarious.” Starr turned back to look at the overpriced menu. Be subtle, Starr. Ask, but don’t make it obvious. “So, Val, you’re really good at laser tag. How often do you play?”

“Not enough. My dad used to take me here, back before we moved. It was our father-daughter thing. He was always really good.”

“What about you? When did you get good?” Starr glanced at Valerie.

“Well, probably, uh, when I started working out on my own,” Valerie trailed off. Starr had always been good with people, she could read them like books. Right now, her friend was hiding something. It was obvious, to the point that she bet Paulina would have seen it if she were here.

“That makes sense. You were pretty fast in there.”

“Thanks. You were good too,” Valerie said. Starr laughed.

“Not really. Not like you.” Before either of them could say anything else, someone came to get their orders. Valerie got a personal cheese pizza, a large salad, and a large drink. Starr got a hotdog and a small drink.

“What were you saying? I don’t remember.”

“You were really good. Like, scary good. And I have a feeling it’s more than just working out more. Val, no one is good at laser tag without cheating, but you weren’t cheating. So how’d you do it?”

“Do what?” Valerie had gotten sharp and defensive.

“Everything. Everything you did in that maze. I mean, you sniped a bunch of them, you took a bunch out on the ground, you even got the ones who had the vests on over their vests. You got both vests. On all of them. How?”

“I told you, I’ve been working out-”

“Please, Val. Working out only gets you so far. You were comfortable in there. You used the little pistols like you knew what you were doing.”

“My dad’s taught me how to use guns. For his job. He’s a security guard.” Valerie’s eyes were flitting everywhere.

“Please stop lying to me,” Starr sighed. “You’re my best friend Valerie. You’ve been my best friend for years. You don’t need to lie to me.”

“I though Paulina-”

“Paulina’s okay. She’s nice enough, but I don’t trust her, not like I trust you. She’s more worried about her social status than anything else.” Starr paused. “So please, Val, you don’t have to hide anything from me.”

Valerie had stopped looking for an escape. Her eyes were locked on Starr, and her gaze was intense. Starr had to physically stop herself from shrinking away. “I’ll tell you, Starr. Not here, not now, but I’ll tell you. You’re my best friend too, and I do trust you.”

Their food arrived then, and Valerie looked away quickly.

“Thank you, Valerie.”

“I can come over tonight, after Dash and Kwan and Paulina leave. Does that work?”

“Yeah, of course.” The two seniors turned the conversation to lighter topics, and finished their meals. They played one more game with the other A-Listers before everyone went their separate ways.

Dash, Kwan, and Paulina spent a few hours at Starr’s house, playing Truth or Dare and watching cheesy horror movies. Valerie went on an extended patrol. She barely even looked for ghosts, instead thinking about how to explain her extra job as the actually good ghost-hunting human to her friend. Starr spent the rest of the evening waiting. She knew she hadn’t been there for Valerie as much as she should have, but she also knew that, starting right then and there, she would be. Valerie was her friend, and she would do anything to be able to help her, especially with whatever her secret was.

As she stared out the window in her room, taking in the stars and the Amity Park skyline, with the bright green sign illuminating Fentonworks and the occasional flash from little ghosts, Starr had a feeling she knew what Valerie was going to tell her.

#valerie gray #starr #phandom #phic phight #phic phight 19 #a-listers #danny phantom #paulina sanchez #dash baxter #kwan #friendship #bonding

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sophygurl · 5 years

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WisCon 43 panel Learning to Hear the Dog Whistle

[Just wanted to say this was one of the panels I suggested and I’m so glad it went through and that I was able to make it to the panel. This is something so many of us need to work on, and I’ve made it a practice to point out when I think someone has unwittingly passed on a dog whistle-ish message, in large part because I hope/want for others to do the same for me when and if I do it, myself. Anyway, I learned a lot and this panel was really good.]

Political dog whistles are meant specifically to target one audience who agrees with you, and perhaps to trick others into agreeing with your subtle and covert language. It's important for us to be able to recognize these dog whistles, often used by racist, transphobic, and other bigoted groups. How do we learn to listen for and recognize these whistles when they are used specifically to dodge our ears?

Moderator: Heidi Waterhouse. Panelists: Seth Frost, Keffy R. M. Kehrli

Disclaimers: These are only the notes I was personally able to jot down on paper during the panel. I absolutely did not get everything, and may even have some things wrong. Corrections by panelists or other audience members always welcome. I name the mod and panelists because they are publicly listed, but will remove/change names if asked. I do not name audience members unless specifically asked by them to be named. If I mix up a pronouns or name spelling or anything else, please tell me and I’ll fix it!

Notes:

Heidi started the panel off saying that the panel was obviously not full of all kinds of representation (example: the panelists were all white), so they were going to miss some stuff. The hope was that they could impart more generally how to recognize dog whistles. [They also had a lot of audience additions later on]

She also said that when we talked about racism and antisemitism, etc. - we’re talking about a set of behaviors vs. individual people. She suggests giving someone a chance to walk back a dog whistle you’ve just heard them use and asking them if they know what they’ve just said.

Seth said he knows more white supremacy dog whistles than even he’s comfortable with, and he points them out whenever he sees them.

Keffy doesn’t know as many as he’d like, but he lives on social media and finds it important to recognize them whenever possible.

Heidi took a moment to define dog whistles - intentionally coded language meant to be covertly used within a group or community. For example: “interested in ethnic heritage” ~might~ mean someone is really into their Scottish heritage and actually eats haggis on purpose, but it also might mean they’re a white supremacist.

Seth used an example of a time the host of a TV show he was watching had a spider web tattoo on his elbow - without context he didn’t know if it meant the host just really thought spiders were cool or if he was a white supremacist. For context, Seth would have needed to see other tattoos, or what his political affiliations were, etc. Another example is Norse stuff, which can be totally innocuous, but is also something white supremacists are co-opting.

Keffy brought up seeing the number 88 on people’s user names - it might mean they were born in the year 1988, or it could be a white supremacist signifier.

Seth added that many Nazi’s are not smart. They use this “bullshit numerology” where 88 = HH = Hitler. However, 88 is also a lucky number in Chinese traditions, so that’s another example of something being used in multiple ways and not knowing without context how someone is using it.

Seth also talked about the 14 words - a white supremacist mission statement. So “14 words” or even just the number 14 can be a white supremacist dog whistle.

Heidi brought up the fact that we’re using dog whistle in it’s negative sense, but all in-group communities have their own language they use to recognize one another.

One example Heidi noticed was a show Forged in Fire about blacksmiths. A lot of them wore Thor stuff due to that connection, but slowly over time less and less of them continued to wear Thor-themed things as they’d had it pointed out to them how white supremacists were using those symbols.

Keffy talked about one way to notice if something is being used as a dog whistle or not is to pay attention to who shows up when you see it. When, for example, TERFs swarm to a post using specific language, it’s time to look up the terms used and understand how they’re being used.

Keffy explained what TERF meant, and used scare-quotes around “radical feminist” because he doesn’t see them as being particularly feminist or radical - especially not in the sense it was used in the 80′s. [yup]

Keffy also mentioned the use of pattern matching. If someone is using XX or XY in their bio - well, that’s not bad in and of itself, but if you take a moment to look at their page and you see them harassing a lot of trans people, then you have your answer.

Seth added that watching how they interact with others can be important. If you think they’ve used a dog whistle but aren’t sure, it’s okay to put some distance between you and them to just observe who they’re interacting with and how.

Keffy said it can be important to have friends from many different groups, and if someone tells you that something is harmful to them - listen and believe them. We often learn by being told after accidentally reblogging or retweeting something, and that’s okay. You just have to believe that people know better about their own oppressions.

Heidi talked about how bigots were using the triple parenthesis around names of Jewish people to mark them on twitter - some Jewish people and allies started to use the triple parenthesis for themselves intentionally as a sort of “I am Spartacus” protest. There was a big discussion about this in regards to reclaiming vs. causing harm due to generational trauma. It was important, in that instance, to listen to the Jewish people whose trauma was being triggered, and to believe them about not doing this.

Keffy added that he stopped retweeting as much from people who were using it because his followers had told him it was a trigger for them.

Seth said, as a Jew and trans person, “If I ask you to stop using a hurtful thing, that’s a big show of trust”, so he thinks about that when people come to him in a similar manner.

Heidi posed the question of having scripts for when we call out our friends, or when it’s time to ping an ally to help us out.

Keffy said he’s not that organized to have a script, but he does have some friends that he’s asked to take over. Gave an example of taking T and shifting pronouns, had a friend with a more masculine sounding voice call the pharmacy to ask about it first due to concerns about not being taken seriously.

Keffy also talked about the term calling in, rather than calling out, which is a more personal and quiet approach. He’ll usually DM someone or talk to them privately about these things - unless the discussion has already spiraled out in public.

Seth also said he doesn’t have a script for this, but in person he’ll usually just comment with something like “oh that’s gross” and if asked why, he’ll explain with as few words as possible.

Heidi agreed, saying that person is probably freaking out internally, and won’t hear a lengthy response anyway.

Keffy said no matter how long he’s been working on social justice stuff, when he’s called out/in, he still feels shame or defensiveness or both. It can take time to work through that, so expecting a full discussion right away might not be realistic.

Keffy also advised that if you ask an ally to do this for you, make sure they’re actually getting the right point across.

Heidi shifted the conversation to how to support people being targeted. The first step is to believe them when they tell you something. The point of these dog whistles is to seem like they aren’t a big deal, when they are.

Seth agreed, saying they throw just that much doubt about how they’re being used, so that people aren’t sure if it’s something bad or not. He advised defaulting to at least a base level of politeness when asked to stop using something - you can just stop.

Keffy gave an example of “drinking the kool-aid” to refer to something being cult-like. Keffy gave some background on the phrase coming from what happened in Jonestown. The leader was very abusive and he did dry runs of giving his followers laced drinks. They were punished and even killed if they didn’t drink it, which made it safer for them to assume it was fake again and to just drink it. Knowing all of this, we can see that no one was really consenting to drinking the laced drinks. Hundreds of people died, and their family members and loved ones can be very triggered by the callous and casual use of this phrase popping up in what seems like otherwise-innocuous instances.

Heidi gave another example - death marches. These kinds of phrases are used so commonly that we sometimes forget, or don’t even initially know, the history of them or the gravity of that history.

Seth talked about the trouble with hearing dog whistles when other people don’t. It can be very isolating to have other people saying “no I don’t hear anything.”

Heidi said a panel like this could easily become a “you’re not aware/angry/anxious enough” discussion, but really the world expands more when we learn more about it.

Seth talked about the main stream media often using antisemitic language that they may or may not be aware of, or mean. Examples: coastal elites, bankers. Keffy added that it’s gotten to the point where if he hears George Soros’s name brought up, he just stops listening. [RIGHT?!]

Heidi put it to the audience to give more dog whistle examples for us to be aware of.

One audience member talked about the “from (whichever city is nearest)” being code for black, poor, and violent. It was pointed out that Chicago is used as code for this nationwide.

Another audience member talked about Reagan’s “welfare queen” mythology that was put together on purpose and is still ongoing today.

Someone else in the audience asked how to tell if someone is trying to recruit you as an ally or just accidentally passing on a dog whistle they weren’t aware of.

Heidi advised looking for other clues in their language and interactions. Keffy added that this is why dog whistles are so insidious. The welfare queen myth became a meme that people began to believe in. So if you explain the history and context of it’s origins and watch how people respond to it - bigots often respond to these sorts of things by telling on themselves. You can tell in the reaction how they meant it once it’s pointed out to them.

An audience member gave another example - the peanut gallery. It has racist origins due to segregation - black people had to sit in the balconies and the myth was that they were unruly and tossing peanuts into the theater.

Another audience member talked about “urban” being used as code for black people in a negative sense. This audience member is a white teacher of mostly non-white students and urban can be used professionally as just a definition but she has to be careful about usage due to it’s other association.

Someone else in the audience talked about intelligence, but I missed most of what they said about it.

Keffy added on to that, by adding that IQ is just racist, and if it’s not being used to be racist, well then it’s still ableist so it’s still wrong. [good points]

An audience member talked about how eugenics is used as a dog whistle for “less intelligent people shouldn’t breed.”

Another audience member talked about gas stations and other places often owned by immigrants proudly displaying signs saying “American owned”. This is code for saying “this is the white gas station” for racists and xenophobes.

Someone else in the audience brought up the issue of faux dog whistles, such as the ok symbol. Another audience member replied that the problem is that they become associated with the bigotry anyway.

Seth added that everything is made up at some point or another.

Keffy expanded on that by saying the problem with “just for lulz” dog whistles is that this is how white supremacists recruit a lot of teens and young adults. It might not initially mean what it comes to mean, but it draws people in, which is the point of it.

An audience member brought up the dog whistles of merit, merit-based, and meritocracy - a commentary on reverse racism and affirmative action.

Keffy talked about commentary in science fiction genres about how there’s no more fun adventure stories because of all of these serious issues and social justice inclusion - codes for bigotry.

Heidi discussed ableism and how lots of times people just don’t know they’re using ableist language, but other times it’s done on purpose as gatekeeping. One example was putting “athletic” as what someone is looking for in a dating profile. Keffy added that you could do a whole panel on dog whistles in dating profiles.

Seth offered the example of people referencing Idiocracy as a dog whistle for eugenics.

An audience member brought up people talking about dueling accommodations - which is a real thing - but it’s often used to say that we shouldn’t even bother trying to accommodate people. Also gatekeeping through issues like service animals, claiming people aren’t “disabled enough” to use them, etc.

Keffy complained about things like signs saying “be healthy, use the stairs”.

An audience member talked about people casually claiming they have OCD or ADHD when it’s not true.

Heidi asked the panelists and audience to consider some transphobic dog whistles and gave the example “real women.”.

Seth said when people put “bio female” or “Webster’s dictionary defines womanhood as....” (which by the way isn’t even what Webster’s says but whatever).

Heidi talked about cis women even being attacked for seeming trans - both sides of the political spectrum tend to do this one.

Heidi also talked about fatphobia used in this way, such as making fat jokes about Trump - but that hurts all fat people.

Keffy brought up people who claim that cis is a slur.

I raised my hand from the audience to bring up people claiming queer is a slur as a way of excluding lots of groups beyond gay and lesbian, like trans people and asexual people. Keffy added that this is an effective dog whistle because it sounds social justice-y. Keffy also talked about “get the L out” - lesbians wanting their own group outside of the queer community.

Seth added the phrase “gender critical” as another one that sounds on the surface like a good thing, but is used by TERFs.

Keffy said they often tweak and claim terms that trans and non-binary people use to make fun of them or take power away from them.

An audience member brought up people using respect as a key-word to keep minorities from being angry and standing up for themselves.

Heidi brought up racist school dress codes, and asked people to add more dog whistles to the panel’s # - #HearTheDogWhistle. It’s a process to learn these things.

Seth closed by saying if someone tells you a thing is problematic - stop. Do some research. Even if it turns out you disagree with them in the end, it doesn’t hurt to stop and find out more. Respect other people.

#wiscon #wiscon 43 #dog whistles #hear the dog whistle #bigotry

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maraudersandlily20 · 6 years

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The Lake House Stories: Part 1- A Cabin by the Lake

Hey Kiddos! I’m 100% overwhelmed by the love and support I’ve gotten for these stories. I’m so happy you guys seem to enjoy reading them as much as I do writing them! The next few stories follow a trip that the Marauders and the girls take to the Potter’s lake house over the summer. Happy reading

James had a lakehouse. The marauders had often joked that the Potter’s lived on the hair serum fortune that had taken up a collection in hell. He had always smirked, but his father;s odd work had meant that the Potter’s would want for nothing. It didn’t make them greedy, though. Mr. and Mrs. Potter made sure of that.

However, after ten years of amassing a fortune, Mr. Potter had decided to splurge and give his wife an anniversary gift. A lakehouse. The lake wasn’t very big, but the house was a decent size and they all had spent many summers there.

After 6th year had ended, James had offered his lake house to his closest friends, a way of celebrating them getting through school for as long as they had without dying. The year had left them reeling with excitement and energy at the idea of only one year left. They needed a way to get the energy out. So, James offered a room to Remus, Sirius, and Peter. There were two boy rooms, and Sirius had asked that he and Remus get one to themselves. “To spare your eyes,” he had joked as Peter and James had made retching noises.

It had been a happy but strange day for the two boys when Sirius had admitted, quite publicly, that they were dating, it had gotten mixed reactions. They had said it at the common room table, in front of quite a few of the Gryffindor students. Many applauded or laughed. There were exclamations of “I told you so,” or “You owe me ten galleons.” There were a few people who made disgusted faces, but they were ignored. And everyone who mattered loved the both of them too much to let it bother them. This admission had led to simple things they hadn’t felt comfortable enough to do before, like being able to hold hands in the hall, cuddling openly in the common room and quick kisses as Remus went off to do his prefect duties.

Mrs. Potter loved Sirius. She was so happy that he was living with them, and when he had sent a letter explaining to her that he and Remus were in a relationship, she had accepted it at face value, saying he was like her son and that it didn’t matter who he was in a relationship with. But the fact that he was with Remus made her ridiculously happy. Both of the boys were very dear to her and she was glad they were happy. She said, as long as they were using protection, Remus could spend the night with Sirius whenever they wanted. So, when they were invited to the lake house, she was extremely gungho about the two of them sharing a room.

On top of the other marauders, James invited Lily, Marlene, and Dorcus. The girls were thrilled at the chance to spend almost two weeks at the lake house and had jumped at the chance. Their friendship with the four boys was much stronger than it used to be, so they were appreciative of the perks.

Mr. Potter pulled the car down a small dirt road, the words of a familiar queen song fizzing through the radio the girls were quietly singing along to. The ride had been calm and quiet, after Mr. Potter had picked up them up from the train station. They had wondered if it would be awkward, but the older man had immediately cracked jokes to ease the tension. Lily liked him. The car ride had lasted for about an hour, as they left the bustle of the city behind them and went deep into the forest. They pulled into a clearing, where they saw the wooden, two story cabin, and behind it the small lake that was only accessible to the Potters.

“Merlin’s beard,” Dorcus whispered.

“Mr. Potter, I had no idea your hair cream had so much success.”

Fleamont Potter chuckled. In his warm accent, he said, “No need to be cruel, Lily Evans. It may not be the most glorious of things to be known for, but I have been able to support my family with that money, so I am grateful.”

“My dad uses your hair potion, Mr. P. Don’t listen to to Lily. She’s just jealous.” Marlene snickered, sticking her tongue out at her best friend. Lily glared for a second before it melted into giggles. In her head, though, she couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Her family had always been resolutely middle class, and though her parents worked hard, they would never be able to afford the nice luxuries that the Potters had. Lily shook her head to rid herself of the negative thoughts and tried to dwell only on the fact that she was going to be spending 12 glorious days in a bathing suit, soaking up the sunshine.

“Mr. Potter?” Dorcus said, popping her face between the front seat, her curly hair bouncing around her face?”

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you something?” He parked the car and the four of them started exiting the vehicle.

“Of course.”

“Why did you never have any other kids?”

They opened the trunk and Mr. Potter started pulling their duffle bags out one at a time, the three girls standing in a semicircle around the trunk, hoping to help, though the older man waved them off consistently. He barked out a laugh at the question and it sounded so similar to James that Lily had to do a double take.

“Euphemia and I were already on the fence about having children. After James, we realized what a mistake we had made and decided to never try again.” The girls laughed at this admission, so hard in fact that Marlene had actual tears drip from her eyes.

“I think, dad, that it’s actually because you got the perfect child on the first try. And you really shouldn’t mess with perfection once you’ve attained it.” Their attention turned toward the cabin. James Potter was standing in the doorway, looking like he had walked out of the pages of a magazine, drenched in sunlight. He was wearing a pair of shorts and a light shirt that was completely unbuttoned, showing the creamy, smooth skin underneath. Lily seemed to forget how to breath, her eyes bulging out of her eyes at the sight of him. Her heart was racing and, distantly, as if she was in a tunnel, she heard Marlene and Docus snickering. James ran a hand through his hair quickly and trotted over toward the car.

Mr. Potter laughed, rustling his son’s hair. “Oh Jamie. If only you knew how miserable you made our lives. And still do sometimes.” The girls roared with laughter. James rolled his eyes and grabbed two of the bags. He looked over in Lily’s direction and winked. She couldn’t help but blush, her face matching the color of her hair.

“I hope the ride was bearable!” A voice called out to them. Lily looked in the direction of the noise and saw Mrs. Potter standing in the doorway, occupying the space her son had just been moments before. She had an apron around her waist and a towel between her hands, like she had just been pulled away from making dinner. Lily had only seen her in pictures, but was shocked at how beautiful the woman truly was. Mr. Potter had given James the wild hair and the darkened skin, but he had certainly gotten his looks from his mother. Her skin was smooth and her hair was like silk and pitch black. Her slim figure showcased a person who had spent many years of her life doing physical activity. Lily had heard the story of how James’ parents had met on numerous occasions and it still blew her mind.

Fleamont Potter had been trapped in an arranged marriage when he was 19. In one last jaunt of freedom, he had left his family behind and headed to England. There, he was greeted by new friends and a vastly different culture. He had fallen in love with the cobblestone streets, the bustle of the roads, and, after a week in London, had also fallen in love with a waitress in a tiny coffee shop. He visited every morning, even though he didn’t like coffee, and would wait until she got off her shift. They would spend endless hours, going to museums, art galleries, and clubs. She was also a witch, and had been able to show him the other side of London, things like Diagon Alley and they’d even taken the trip to Hogsmeade. After a month of adventures with his girl by his side, Fleamont knew that there was no way he could ever leave her. He had written to his parents, calling off his marriage and sending them an invitation to the wedding ceremony of him and a young and beautiful Euphemia.

Lily always thought it had taken a lot of courage for him to defy his parents’ wishes and marry the person he truly loved. It seemed like a fairytale. And for Mrs. Potter to be so brave, even knowing they wouldn’t approve, made Lily like her all the more.

“It was great, Mrs. Potter, thank you!” Marlene called, the three girls following after James and Mr. Potter as they walked into the cabin.

Mrs. Potter grinned in joy. “I’m so glad. We’re really happy you girls agreed to come. The boys have been rather antsy, waiting for you. Now the fun can really begin.” They exchanged excited glances, and Dorcus whooped in excitement.

“Trust me, Mrs. P., we are happy to oblige.”

They all filed in and took in the nature of the cabin. It was a clean home, quaint and small, with a lot of windows and cute lace curtains. The kitchen was rather large and smelled delicious. Lily saw a pan on the stove, the contents of what was inside permeating the atmosphere. To the right of the kitchen, there was a large living room with deep green cushioned couches. James walked past the couches and headed up the stairs to where Lily assumed their bedroom was going to be, his father trailing after him. Marlene squeezed Lily’s shoulder and gave her a sly grin.

“This is going to be the best vacation ever!”

Lily couldn’t help but agree. She made to follow after James to see their room, but her eye was drawn to the couch. There, in a heap of limbs, were Remus and Sirius. Sirius had his back against the armrest and Remus was lying in his lap, his head against his chest. The black haired boy had his arms wrapped around Remus’ shoulders. The taller boy was holding onto Sirius’ wrists, looking like a contented puppy. Lily couldn’t help the smile that graced her lips at the sight of them: a happy example of domesticity.

“Hi there, lads. Happy to see that the cuddle train hasn’t stopped.”

Remus peeked one eye open, a lazy smile pulling at his lips. He tried to sit up, but Sirius tightened his hold and wouldn’t him. He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Sorry, Evans, I would give you a hug, but I’m afraid I’m being held prisoner.” She waved him off in humor.

Marlene rounded the couch, a sly glint in her eye. “Well, don’t mind if I do.” she said before launching herself onto Remus, making both boys groan at the sudden weight thrown onto them. Lily laughed a bit and looked up to see Mr. Potter walk down the stairs. Past him, James was leaning back against the wall, completely in his element, staring at her. The look of warmth in his eyes as he took her in made her heart flutter. She made her way over to him, their eyes connected and the pull between them feeling as strong as magnets.

“I’m happy you’re here,” he said softly, when she made it to him

“Not as happy as Marlene is. Thank you for inviting us. We really appreciate it.”

He shrugged. “It was Sirius’ idea. He really cares about you guys.” Lily snorted. The look of admiration only increased in James’ eyes.

“I can’t believe you guys have this place all to yourselves. I would never want to leave.”

“I know right? We have two set vacations every summer: India and the lake house. I don’t know how I would handle it if we didn’t make one year. I have tried to talk my parents into staying here for the majority of the summer, but they always say they don’t want to spend that much time with me.”

“Well, that’s fair.” Lily giggled. “You are pretty annoying sometimes.”

“And antsy. They didn’t let me invite friends over here until two years ago. I went crazy here by myself. My parents often brought their older, married friends, but for some reason, the kids they brought were always really young. It drove me crazy. When they finally said I could invite Sirius here, I was thrilled. Vacations have been so much better since then.”

Lily laughed. “I can only imagine baby James, playing alone in the water. What torture that must have been. Here, in this gorgeous place that only your family has access to. A true tragedy.”

He rolled his eyes. “Har har,” he said sarcastically. “My sides are splitting, really, you’re hysterical.”

“I know. It’s a gift.”

They stared at each other for a moment. The air between them had grown increasingly friendly in the past few months. After their argument in march, everything felt different between Lily and James. Lily knew how much James liked her, he had made it abundantly clear on that. Lily was gaining the confidence in her feelings and knew that she reciprocated them, but had been too nervous to come right out and tell him. She knew she wanted him and that she wanted to be with him, but she just hadn’t found the way to reveal herself. She cleared her throat and her eyes wandered over to the kitchen, where an adorable sight made her grin.

“Also, I love your parents!”

They both looked over to see Fleamont with his arms wrapped around his wife, though she was attempting to escape. They were giggling like teenagers, completely oblivious to the actual teenagers around them. James laughed. “I know. I lucked out in the parental department. But I think I’ve done pretty well in the friend department as well.”

Their gazes trailed over to their friends, who were lounging around the living room. Dorcus had taken a seat on the other couch, slumped down as far as she could be. Peter sat beside her, a deck of cards in his hands. He was attempting to show Dorcus a magic trick, without any real magic, and Dorcus had her head in her hands, laughing so hard her face was turning red. Peter had been working on his muggle magic tricks for the past few months and, though many of them didn’t work the way he meant, they still made everyone laugh.

Marlene was still on top of Remus. He was grinning down at her, still wrapped in the arms of Sirius. They had made a three part human ladder, lying on top of each other, looking extremely comfortable. Remus was gently rubbing Marlene’s back, her smile lazy and her eyes finding it harder and harder to stay open. The three of them whispering unintelligible words to each other, letting out child like giggles every few seconds. It looked like happiness.

Lily turned back to James. She felt an emotion suspiciously like happiness fill her chest. “I think this is going to be a good trip.” He nodded.

“Yeah, I think you may be right about that.”

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queerlyobvious · 3 years

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Reflections of Pride Month 2021

As Pride month 2021 comes to a close, I wanted to reflect a little. This is my third year of officially celebrating Pride as a publicly out gay man. I say official in the sense that I always knew what Pride month was and wanted so desperately to partake in it starting around age 15 or so. However, facing the situations I had to deal with and the negative repercussions I could have faced by coming out in my youth, I just put it all behind me knowing that one day I would be able to be free enough to participate. And that time came for me in June of 2019 when I met the RubiGirls at Levitt Pavilion in downtown Dayton and the rest was history. Because of the ongoing pandemic and public health orders not being rescinded in time it caused many Pride celebrations to not be fully operating or even cancel again this year. Because of this, I personally didn’t have a lot of local options for Pride things to do. Work and personal life got in the way of and caused the cancellation of several things I had committed to this month, but I did hang out with a good friend and see an amazing drag show at Mj’s which was Jackie-O’s send off to the pageant circuit. She won at the local level and now goes on to state, and I’m confident she will go on to the highest levels of competition. I can’t wait to see how it all shakes out for her. It was a great way to close out the month celebrating with my friends in Dayton, at a place where I’m comfortable, accepted and safe. My dad came around this year and let me display a Pride flag outside for the entire month of June. It comes down tomorrow and Old Glory goes back out in her deserving spot per our agreement, but I was glad that he let me do it. For every step we take forward, we seem to take 2 or 3 backwards so I’ll take any incremental progress I can get. He will sometimes be totally ok with things, then will say something awful and not catch himself or just not care. It hurts, but you cannot educate your way out of ignorance or try to force a change where there is no willingness. I call it a very slowly progressing work in progress. I posted on Facebook in late May about putting up my flag and Michael from Have A Gay Day took notice and shared my post. It was viewed by people in at least 5 different countries and had hundreds of likes, shares and comments. I had some amazing conversations with people I did not know from all across the globe about Pride, my coming out story and made a few new online friends along the way. I was shocked at how fast the post caught fire and made its rounds. Even a month later I am still getting a few likes and comments from re-shares that trickle in over the days. The entire thing is the most traction I have ever gotten on social media in the entire history of me using social media- you may think it is insignificant, but I am proud of people seeing what I wrote and how they reacted. And finally, my outward expression of Pride has sparked some conversation in my little town of Sidney. My flag offended some of the neighbors, which only made me get a bigger flagpole and shine a light on it at night… I’m a petty gay… what can I say? It also made some of the school aged kids talk to me the last week they were in school since my corner is the bus pickup for our part of the ‘hood. One kid asked me what it was, another told me they were trans and another said that he felt like he might be gay but didn’t know what to do, so I got some trusted resources together and gave the info to him the next day. I haven’t seen the kid yet to ask about what happened, but I hope he lets me know what’s going on next year at the bus stop. Our down the street ultra-conservative neighbors put out more 2024 “Save America” Trump flags and a UUUUGE “Homo Sex is Sin” flag, which I know was directly aimed at me, but I laughed it off- to their face - and when they realized I wasn’t going to be offended or start the Westboro Baptist war they were looking for, those flags came down and their regularly scheduled NASCAR and Confederate flags went back up. To close, it’s been a great Pride month even though I didn’t do much other than celebrate in my own way. I’m looking forward to next year when the celebrations will hopefully be larger and more plentiful. But if not, I have my friends and I have my LGBTQIA+ community standing with me to love and support me. I have never met a more amazing group of people. These are people who really care, who I call dear friends and people I am so fortunate to have met to help me in this journey. I don’t know where I’d be without you all. I love you. Happy Pride 2021!

#lgbtqia+#pride 2021 #reflections #happy pride

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thecrookedgavel · 4 years

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The Black Box Readings - Ep 3 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 3 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down.

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome back to The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So episode one released and I was very happy with how people responded to it. I got a lot of messages saying how raw the experience was, or how happy they were to have the chance to listen to a queer experience. Usually it was from queer people, but sometimes it wasn’t!

Though responses were positive for the most part, the podcast did get some negative attention too. Ignoring all the stuff that wasn’t constructive, there were two main criticisms of the show. The first was actually surrounding its premise. People were concerned that it was unethical to put something that was deleted back onto the internet. Even if it wasn’t deleted, isn’t it essentially stealing to use it in a podcast like this? Ok, so I understand the concerns and I guess I wasn’t clear enough to begin with. I received permission from the original author of the material to use it any way I’d like. Probably something I should have said originally, and I’m sorry that I didn’t. As for whether or not I’m just copying someone else’s work, I believe that The Black Box Readings count as a transformative work, and therefore it’s protected under fair use. There’s more than enough “Me” in this podcast that it’s really become something more than just the original “text”.

The other problem some people had with the podcast was that Emmy didn’t seem like a trans girl at all to them, and they felt like I was grasping at straws in my explanations pointing out trans aspects. Well, I do understand that there isn’t anything that outright says Emmy is trans within her posts in the first two episodes. But what you have to remember is that I actually knew her, and even though it’s sort of a spoiler for this episode, she did come out as trans on her blog. Look, I’m trying to present the posts I chose in chronological order to make a coherent narrative. Even so, it felt too weird to hide Emmy’s identity until this episode, when that’s largely the reason I’m doing this podcast in the first place.

So with all that aside, I’d like to get into the episode proper! Today’s episode is largely a feel-good one. It’s got a lot of positive energy, and focuses on the budding relationship between Emmy and EmeraldSkies. In case you don’t remember, the two of them met playing Overwatch and became fast friends. At this point, Emmy has been posting about their interactions on her blog, and it’s official now that Emmy has a crush. *laughs* it was really cute to watch her navigate through her feelings, but I didn’t want this episode to be… you know, two hours long, so I’ve come up with a few posts that best illustrate an already-established connection. To start us off, here’s one entitled:

“I Told Her

I know I talk about her a lot, but -”

Oh, *Laugh* I guess it happened again. She used EmeraldSkies real name, and I’m really not comfortable saying it in the podcast for privacy reasons. Let’s see, given that EmeraldSkies is Latina, let’s go with Selena, like our favorite wizard from Waverly Place. *laughs*

“I know I talk about her a lot, but Selena is just so cool! I’m sorry if it’s getting annoying to anyone, but I’m not going to hide how I feel either. This is my Tumblr, after all, I can post what I want. Anyway, today I finally told her I was deaf, and that’s the reason we don’t do voice chat. She understood completely, and told me that voice chat wasn’t something she liked doing in the first place. Ahhh, She’s so cool! I’m lucky to have her in my life! I was so scared that she’d see me as weird or broken or something, that’s the usual reaction I get anyhow. But not with her! I’m so happy right now!

Selena has been continuing to share her poetry with me, it’s really good! I feel so at home reading it. It’s such a personal look into her soul, I’m glad she doesn’t feel too vulnerable letting me read it. It’s especially helpful that it’s a medium I can fully understand. Honestly, I sometimes feel a little lost when watching tv, even with captions on. It’s sort of an incomplete experience, you know?”

I find the sort of “sorry, not sorry” attitude Emmy has here to be a big step up from previous ones. She exudes a bit of confidence here, not caring if people unfollow her because she’s talking about a crush. It’s nice to see Selena bring that out in Emmy. It’s also really heartwarming that Emmy didn’t receive the usual reaction she says she gets when telling people about her disability. Selena seems like a very accepting and kind person, and I think Emmy deserves that in her life. Also, I want to point out that Selena is averse to using voice chat. There’s a reason for that, and you’ll probably be able to guess it by the end of the episode.

Also, Selena is an amateur poet! I feel I should point that out, because it’s immediately relevant in our next post, which is Emmy talking about a poem that Selena wrote especially for her.

We don’t get the poem itself, just Emmy’s interpretation of it, which does give us a fair bit of insight on to what the poem might have been like.

The post is called: “She wrote a poem for me??

I’m so excited you guys, you have no idea! Selena wrote me a poem! And I’m swept off my feet by it. She says it was nothing, but I don’t think so! She called it “Flowers Down by the Lake” and it’s beautiful! Like, I don’t want to read into it too hard, but I think this means she likes me back?? And not just because it’s a poem that she wrote for me, but because of what’s IN the poem, guys!

It’s about two flowers that are more beautiful not in spite of how they’ve been damaged, but because of it. And how they’re both really different, but they’re even more beautiful because they’re side by side. So. Fucking. Romantic! I love this poem, it gives me so many feels.

Maybe there’s something to this whole ‘fate’ thing after all”

Before getting into the meat of this post, I’d like to touch on the last line. This is where Emmy first publicly posts about the idea of fate starting to appeal to her, though I imagine that she has been playing around with the idea of it for a while now. I’m not personally sure I believe in fate myself, so *sigh* I’m not entirely sure why this seems so important to me? So, I like to look at the universe as truly random, and because of that, two people finding each other amongst that randomness is the most beautiful thing imaginable. So whether it was just the randomness of the Overwatch matchmaking system, or fate itself that brought these two together, I think that’s something really special.

Anyways, I’ve never gotten the chance to actually read this poem, but it sounds pretty spectacular. The message that Emmy sees is one that we can all take to heart. All of you are beautiful in your own way, and it’s in part because of what you’ve been through. You’ve been shaped by your hardships in a way that makes you more of a person, and the people around you that are enriching to your lives help you to “bloom”, so to speak.

Although I am partial to getting all sappy with you folks, we do have an episode to get through, and so we’ll be moving on to our next post.

And what a post it will be! This is for sure the most important post in this episode, perhaps the most important one so far. I alluded to it in the beginning of the episode, and I’m really excited to finally share it with you all. I can’t hype it up enough, but I am certainly trying *laughs*. It’s called:

“I Have Something To Tell You

I don’t want to waste any time, so I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m a trans girl! If you don’t know what I mean, it’s kind of hard to explain, but I’ll try to.

“Trans” is short for transgender, which means that I don’t identify with my birth sex as my gender. So I was born a boy, but I feel like a girl on the inside. Gender is just different than sex. Period. It’s complicated, I know, since we use similar words to talk about them, but it’s true.

Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of interactions with kids my age, because I was homeschooled. A lot of interactions were through reading books. I found myself enthralled with stories about girls, but less interested in stories about boys. When I did read stories about boys, I’d latch onto female secondary characters and see the world through them. Some examples of female characters I saw myself as are: Clary from Mortal Instruments, Katniss from Hunger Games, and even Hermione from Harry Potter.

When it came to video games, I found myself picking female characters when given the choice. I even do it in Overwatch! I’m a Mercy main, after all.

I used to tell myself that it was because the books were just that good, or because the video game characters were cute, but I see now that was only half of the truth. It’s really because I saw myself in those characters, that’s the kind of soul I have, you know?

There are other, more private reasons surrounding my body I won’t get into here, as well.

I guess I realized what I was feeling because, well, Selena is a trans girl too! I guess I found out when we decided to swap pictures of what we both looked like. She prefaced her’s by saying that she might look a little boyish, and that’s because she’s trans! I was happy that she felt close enough to me that she could share that, since she’s more private about this sort of thing than I’m being. I’ve never met a trans girl before, especially not in real life, so that’s why it took me so long to figure out. Plus my Dad is very “traditional”, so I’ve been conditioned to hide who I am throughout the years. I doubt he’d embrace me as his daughter with open arms, so for now, it’s a secret I’m keeping from him. If he thinks I’m going to go to hell for it, then fuck him. I don’t care what he thinks about me anymore.

Thank you for reading to the end of this post! I hope I made sense.”

So there we have it, official word from Emmy that she is trans. Not only that, but Selena is trans too! There’s a lot to unpack here, so we should get started. She gives a good explanation of what being transgender means for her, even if it contains a few pieces of old language, like being “born a boy.” It’s generally best not to say that about someone else, fair warning. It’s good that she had that sort of “aha” moment when Selena explained what transgender means.

For me, my Aha moment was in the form of a rather… outdated term, I think it was “Male identified lesbian.” *laughs* Ohh, well… I guess I had some suspicions about myself, and so I did some googling. And I found this term that sounded so much like me. It had a bunch of bullet points like, attracted to lesbians, identifies with women over men, stuff like that. It was actually kind of problematic, looking back because it was really steeped in men sexualizing lesbians, but it was a stepping stone for me when I was 20ish. I don’t think that website is still there all these years later

Definitely something that I did when I was younger that affirms my trans identity looking back was wearing dresses. Not an Aha moment in the slightest, though. Well not for me, but probably for my friends *laughs* When I was 14, my friends put together a murder mystery party. It was a pre-written story, and there were roles to assign to everyone. And I got assigned the mother of the victim. My friends just thought of me and said, you know what would really suit An? Playing a woman. Heh, And I rocked it, too. It helped that one of my friends brought a dress for me to borrow during the party. Though I wore it so well and was obviously so confident wearing it, that she let me keep it. I’d use that same dress to play a woman again in a play, but maybe that’s a story for another time.

Back on track, Emmy talks about playing video games as female characters being a big indicator looking back, and I really feel that one. I remember specifically choosing Talim and Tira from Soul Calibur all the time and being like, it’s obviously because they’re fast characters, and that’s just my playstyle. But naw, it largely had to do with me seeing myself a certain way. Like, I remember specifically one time I looked at my stats in Left 4 Dead, a game I played all together too much of, and noticed that I picked Zoe to play as like, 80% of the time? Like there’s 4 characters to choose from, all the same stat-wise, and I picked the girl more often than not. It sort of shook me to my core when I realized this, but I didn’t know what it really meant until a few years later.

Also, to preemptively answer any concerns about Emmy realizing she’s trans because of someone else, don’t worry. I don’t think she’s like, copying Selena’s identity to fit in or something like that. The thing is… seeing a trans person as just that - a person - can be a trigger to figuring out who you really are. Like, this was the case for my ex who I was dating at the time I was finally able to call myself a woman. No name change, no pronoun change, or anything like that, but I had admitted it out loud by then. It sort of had a reaction in him to call himself gender fluid, and I think that was really important for him. In this case, it was a stepping stone to realizing that he was a trans man, but that’s still valid, right? It’s ok to change your identity as you learn more about yourself. Labels can change over time. For Emmy, Selena was probably the first instance of positive representation that she ever saw. Anyways, even though my relationship kind of exploded, I talked with him at a later date, and we expressed how important being instantly supportive was to each other. We lost contact since, but I honestly hope he’s doing alright out there.

That’s probably enough about me, sorry. *laughs* This post just sort of pulls it all out of me, you know?

Either way, we should probably get back to the posts at hand so we can end this episode in a reasonable timeframe. So I messaged Emmy to congratulate her, and I know she probably saw it, because she references something very similar to what I wrote to her in her next post. I don’t remember what exactly what I sent, just that at the time, I recognized what I sent in her wording. Also in the post, there’s another section that reminds me of the frequently asked questions about being disabled. Though this time around… well we’ll talk about it after I read it to you.

“Thank you and Fuck you!

Sorry not sorry about the title, but don’t worry, you know which one you are if you recently sent me a DM. First of all, thank you for all the kind and supportive words you all had to say! Coming out is really hard, but you made it worth it! I feel so loved and valid, it’s been great to have you all in my inbox!

However, there were other people in my inbox that I appreciated a lot less. Lots of transphobic assholes messaging me about needing mental help and how I’m going to hell now. Dicks asking me if I want to chop off my dick now, and of course, fucktards telling me to kill myself. Many of you said you’re unfollowing my blog too. So, all I have to say is fuck you!!! That’s all.”

I feel like we should talk about the second part of the post. I honestly believe she has a right to be angry here, and lashing out is perfectly natural. So I’m not saying she’s not allowed to tell transphobes off. But if you notice the last time she got a lot of upsetting messages in her inbox, she handled it with grace. There was a “fuck you” for sure, but it was implied, rather than… you know, in the title? And I think I know why there’s such a difference in tone here.

When you come out like this, you’re telling your truth for the first time. Everything feels a lot more raw and vulnerable for you. She’s probably used to the dumb questions about being deaf, so she’s developed a way to politely answer the grosser questions. But here, it’s been like, a few days? She’s going to feel like she needs to go on the attack here.

Coming out as trans for me was really hard too, and I didn’t even do it on an online platform. I’m even hesitant to talk about it now, because of how deeply personal it is. But I think it’s important to give you context to why Emmy would want to say “fuck you” to so many people.

So the first person I ever came out to was a friend of mine from high school. She was… not a great person. She was a complete narcissist, she lied to me constantly and ended up using me for sex. That and she was deeply transphobic. Honestly, I could talk about that whole situation forever, so I won’t get started. What’s important is that when I told her I felt like a girl on the inside, she told me that was weird. And that really hurt my personal growth. It put me back into the closet for a few years. I didn’t tell anyone again for a while. The screwed up thing is that she was queer herself, and she was dating someone who would later come out as a trans guy. She didn’t support him either. I remember her telling me that it was stupid that he changed his name, and being impressionable at the young age of 22, I believed her. Even after I came out to my family, I didn’t change my name for a good while after that.

Oh, speaking of my family, coming out to them went very, very poorly. *sigh* I was having dinner with them, and I had decided earlier that day that today was the day. I finally brought up enough courage to finally say that I was a girl… and they all laughed at me. That was about 5 years ago, and the laughter is still something I never got over. After I clarified I wasn’t joking, they took it really badly. I was told later that I had almost given my dad a heart attack when I clarified that I was not only a woman, but a lesbian too. There was a lot of yelling at the table. They still have some trouble with my name and pronouns these days, but they honestly try really hard, and I really appreciate that about them. But the initial experience? It was extremely traumatizing.

Coming out is something that you never actually get to stop doing, and I could tell more horror stories, but I think I have given you enough of an idea of why Emmy felt so many raw emotions when writing that post.

Next up is another special post that continues the trend of being a big turning point in Emmy’s life. It’s in the form of an announcement, and I feel like I should mention that the overall time lapse in this episode is rather large. Obviously she has been posting a lot about Selena and they’ve been spending a lot of time getting to know each other. In the interest of brevity, I’m only touching on the major points. That may make it seem like things were rushed, but please note that they weren’t. She starts things off with:

“I have another announcement to make!

Many of you have been DMing me asking about me and EmeraldSkies, and saying how we should be together. Well I have good news for you! We’re official! We’re in lesbians together, lol. We’ve known each other for months now, although it feels like I’ve had a thing for her forever. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to try and make it work long distance, and I did! So I said yes! I’ve never been happier! Also, I convinced her that her poetry is totally amazing and she needed to share it with the world. Don’t just take my word for it, check out her new Tumblr!”

And there was probably a link to Selena’s Tumblr if you clicked on the last sentence. Now, I never personally messaged Emmy about this, but I did ship them very hard since the point where Selena wrote her first poem for Emmy. It felt so wholesome to see this announcement, and not just because my ship was confirmed. Emmy said right there that she had never been happier. She was finally feeling fulfilled for the first time in her life, and I think that had a lot to do with coming out, which had a lot to do with Selena in the first place. So seeing them together was such a treat.

Alright! Last post of the episode. Here we have something a little different than what we’re used to. It’s not a post that Emmy has written, but a post that she reblogged. Since she put it on her blog, it counts for our purposes, especially since it’s about her in the first place. It’s a poem about Emmy written by Selena. And it’s titled:

“Free From Tyranny

Although you still feel trapped, you are now free,

It may seem like you are damned by the followers of God,

Stuck under the rule of a not-so-heavenly father,

But it is all an illusion, completely superficial.

For you see, you have been freed,

Freed from fear, denial, and self-loathing,

These are the metals that form the bars of the true prison,

The prison of the mind, the prison of the self.

You have bent these bars, they are nothing to you now,

So even if you still feel the tyranny from the outside world,

Know that you are finally free from the tyranny of yourself

And you are so beautiful for it. “

It’s quite a lovely little poem, and I do love the themes and the message. It’s just that, *sigh* I don’t know if I can agree with it fully? Yes, for sure, that being free to be your true self to yourself is magical. It’s something that was a huge turning point for my own personal growth. But whether or not that makes you truly free? I can’t say for sure. A terrible environment can really hurt a person’s sense of self. I worry that after a while of it, even folks with the brightness of convictions might willingly go back into their own prisons, so to speak. I do really enjoy how it’s written though, and my view of Selena as a poet isn’t hurt by my worries here.

Anyways, Emmy posts a little reply in her reblog that I find pretty funny,

“I love this poem, but I wonder who it’s about”

As if you don’t know Emmy, stop being silly *Laughs*

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! Thanks again for all for your feedback, supportive or constructive, it honestly all really helps! I went really deep with the anecdotes today, I hope it wasn’t too much. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!

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hedgiwithapen · 7 years

Text

Day three: Rescue

Written for ScholsenWeek2017 and for @starklinqs

Pairing: James Olsen x Winn Schott Jr.

Summary: Being the ally of a superhero is dangerous. Winn already knew that, but his forward preparedness and planning isn’t much help when he is taken as bait for Guardian.

There were times that Winn missed the little headquarters he’d set up in an unused CatCo office, back when he, James, and Kara had been more of team. It hadn’t started out as much, but a spruced up coffee pot that had been tossed because it was “broken” and a couple computers, some more comfortable chairs and a few of James’s prints on the wall had fixed that. Heck, it had been nicer in some respects than his apartment, even without things like windows. And the whole “technically we’re not supposed to be using this we could all get arrested” thing. But he missed it, not just for the camaraderie, but because it was a lot bigger than the van he was currently sitting in, keeping an eye on security cameras and hitting buttons in hopes of fixing whatever had caused the comlink to fizzle out as soon as James--Guardian--had gotten a couple hundred yards away. Probably interference from the buildings, but still, not terribly comforting.

Static hummed and fussed, and Winn was just this side of leaving the van--the one thing he’d sworn never to do again--to call him back. Just because there was nothing on the cameras didn’t mean James didn’t need backup. They’d learned that the hard way the very first time they’d teamed up, and Maxwell Lord’s goons had gotten the drop on James. Granted, they’d had practice since then, but still.

Unfortunately, that was when the van gave a shudder, and the door was yanked open from the outside. Winn didn’t even have time to try to remember if he’d locked it before the intruder rushed him, jabbing the prongs of a taser into his neck.

Winn woke, cramped and aching. He supposed that was better than waking up dead. If you could wake up dead. He really wasn’t sure how that worked and, now more than ever, was determined to not find out any time soon. As he tried to take stock of himself without opening his eyes--his eyelids felt so heavy--he told the little sing song voice in his head that he’d count his damn blessings if he hadn’t been tased and kidnapped. It sounded like Kara on a sugar high, and he was in no mood for lectures on gratitude from his subconscious. As he became more awake, everything hurt even worse.

Opening his eyes did prove more productive than stretching or asking where he was. As he came to full awareness (faster than most mornings, but that was what being abducted instead of waking up in his own cozy bed did) he found that he was sitting, which explained part of the ache in his neck, and his hands had been bound behind him. It felt like tape, which was just plain rude. Alex and James, plus the internet, had been teaching him how to pick locks and he could get most handcuffs now, and Zipties were easier. Layers and layers of tape were significantly more pesky, especially since his captors hadn’t left him his keys, or his multi-tool, or anything else he could use. The safety pin he kept as a lockpick in his shirtsleeve was not likely to help, all that forward planning for nothing.

He hadn’t been gagged, but as the facade of control slipped away, Winn felt like he couldn’t get enough air, panting hard and trying to calm down. The room was dim, not dark, but not well lit. He was alone, and he was scared. Kidnapped is better than dead kidnapped is better than dead calm--. His eyes adjusted quickly, he’d always been good with that. Probably all the late night videogames, which see they did give me Useful Life Skills after all take that Mr. Christophe. It was almost a comforting thought. The triumph only lasted a few seconds. There really wasn’t much too see. Concrete walls, stained with that he thought was probably--hopefully--mold. A pile of half-broken furniture, wooden desks and chairs, some metal in there too. It seemed likely his chair had been yanked from the pile. Cautiously he wobbled it, and yeah, one leg was much shorter than the others. He could use that. If he could break the chair, he could make a run for it. He couldn’t see the door, he guessed it was behind him. No windows, just the single humming fluorescent light behind him. Maybe a window, he couldn’t tell.

The floor was cold, seeping through his socks because the jerk with the taser or someone helping him had taken his sneakers. Rude. Winn shuffled and scooted and wobbled, suddenly dizzy, until he could get the chair turned around more. There was the door, beside a stack of cardboard boxes that sagged with age.

Breathe in--one--two--three--four--out--two--three-four--in-in-two--three---four. Winn had thought a lot about situations like this after the cluster with his dad, and then throwing in his lot with the DEO and honestly just being friends with superheroes was trouble, so he’d tried to prepare. Staying calm was important. Escaping was next, though he wasn’t sure where he was, exactly. Or who’d taken him. Or why. All important things.

“Ok,” he said to himself in a whisper, his voice strangely flat in his ears. “You got this.” Maybe if he could rock onto his feet, he could slam the chair into the wall? Hopefully without damaging his hands too much. Scooting was one thing. Actually lifting the chair was not nearly as easy as movies and video games made it look.

“If I get out of this, I’m going to the gym,” he muttered, then shook his head. “When. When, Winn.” Even if he couldn’t escape by himself, he’d be fine. Kara would--wait. Supergirl was on another earth dealing with ...something. But she’d be back soon, and there was still the DEO. And James. He’d been fine. Having any of them in his corner was enough to ease his breathing.

At least, it was until the door swung open. The two people who entered looked human, which didn’t exactly mean they were, but it. Winn fervently hoped that was the case. People tended to just have weapons. There was no telling when it came to aliens, and he really wasn’t in the mood to be poisoned or stabbed with shape-shifty-stabbies or anything else his tired and overexcited brain could come up with.

“Mr. Scott,” one of them, who looked like he had half a foot and a hundred pounds on Winn, was holding Winn’s wallet.

“Schott,” he corrected out of habit, then clamped his mouth shut so quickly he almost bit his tongue. Rule one was to not give these people any information. No matter what they were after, no matter how benign.

“Mr. Schott.” the other was, if possible, even taller, and loomed even more menacingly than J’onn did. “We’ve got some...questions for you.”

Winn swallowed hard, wincing at the soreness in his throat. “About what? I don’t think I can help unless you want to know cheat codes for the newest Grand Theft Mario Kart, but you can find those online without kidnap--” he saw the blow coming, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

“Your friend,” Kidnapper #1 said. Winn blinked. He should have guessed, it was only a matter of time before someone made a grab for him to get information about Supergirl. Especially since she had rather publicly saved him back in January. He was pretty surprised it had taken so long, all things being what they were.

Stay calm, stay calm, he shook his head. “Friend? You--you have a problem with...some nerd on the internet? I mean I know fandoms and stuff can get intense but this is a little--”

He didn’t see that blow.

“Your friend,” Kidnapper 2 continued. “Guardian.”

Winn actually let out a laugh at that, more breathless than he would have prefered, more shocked than anything else. “What? Look, I think you’ve made some kind of mistake. For one thing, I don’t think vigilantes have friends. And if they did...not me.” Kara and James, in that order, had been his first in-real-life friends in quite literally years. How hard could it be to play the part that had been reality all through high school and college? “I’m not so good at friends.”

The first man, still holding his wallet, shook his head. “We’ve been watching. You know who he is.”

“Nope,” Winn was a better liar than Kara, but not by too large a margin.

“I will ask again. Answer me, and maybe you keep all your fingers.” the thug nodded to his partner, who pulled an alarmingly large knife from his belt. Winn felt the blood drain from his face.

“Who is the man who calls himself Guardian?”

College improv don’t fail me now. “ I don’t know, I’m trying to find out. I used to work for CatCo, ok? Up till the regime change and all, and I figured if I could get a really big scoop I could get my job back, but nothing, I swear. Can’t even get him to talk to me for ten seconds.” Behind him, he squeezed his hands into fists, terrified.

The man in front of him blew air out his nose loud enough that Winn could hear it. “Check into it,” he ordered the other, and Winn felt the presence at his back move off as the man went circled him, heading for the stairs. His heart-rate did not calm down.

“If what you say is true,” the remaining kidnapper said, “then you will have no problem with us looking through your phone, hmm?” he pulled it from his pocket, and Winn jolted. He was so close. Two seconds with it and he could alert Alex. Maybe it was a misappropriation of DEO resources, but he didn’t particularly care about that.

The man didn’t hand it over to be unlocked. “Neat little coding here. Why go back to CatCo, you could make a killing with this kind of thing. I know people would could use something like this.”

“Generally people at CatCo don’t threaten to kill me,” Winn said without thinking. The man only laughed.

“True enough. I’m glad you understand the severity of your situation. If you’ve lied to us, my partner and I will not be pleased. What’s the passcode?”

Winn hesitated for a heartbeat, then wet his lips. “If I haven’t lied...you’re not going to let me go.”

“Not here, not now. Can’t have a newsman warning National City’s newest cape, giving the whole city our faces. But no point in killing you. Murder’s more time than kidnapping. Once we’re done, you’ll be free.”

Not only was that not comforting, he also didn’t miss the emphasis on ‘you.’ They were going to kill James if they found him, or they were going to try. With a hostage, they’d fare a lot better. Rock and a hard place.

“The passcode, Mr. Scott.”

“1405dcw64, and then the N with the little squiggle over it.” Winn said, looking at his lap. And James said it was overkill, having a backup password that only unlocked the phone and messages. At least his kidnappers would only get the bland basics, and not the little programs he’d been working on for the DEO. Not that he ever took classified information home...more than once or twice. The downside was that the panic button, while accessable, was still out of his reach.

“You weren’t lying,” the man commented, scrolling through something Winn couldn’t see. “You really do suck at friends.”

Winn made a noncommittal noise. “If you’re looking for secret text messages from Guardian, you won’t find them, there aren’t any.” Because James still didn’t have a phone for that, he left it all to his man-in-the-van and earpiece.

“See, the problem with that is that we’ve got witnesses who will swear that your cute little van is always waiting not far from where he shows up. You must have some way of knowing where he is. An informant? Tech?“

Winn was about to shake his head when his phone rang.

“James,” the thug read off. “Who’s that, I wonder? Friend...boyfriend? Little late for a date.”

Winn flushed a little. It wasn’t that he’d never day-dreamed, but what with Lucy, and Kara, and his never-a-thing with Kara, and Siobhan and--no, their lives were way too chaotic as it was, and--

The ringing stopped, then started again. “Persistent.” The man paused, as if thinking. “If he’s not your boyfriend, then he’s your informant. And if he is your boyfriend…” he slugged Winn in the gut, knocking the wind from him, and answered the call. James’s voice echoed in the tiny room, even without speakerphone on.

“Winn? Winn, where are you?” he sounded worried. Panicked, even.

“Mr. Schott’s a little busy right now, but tell you what, do me a little favor and I’ll make sure he gets home in one piece.”

“Who the hell are you? Where’s Winn?”

“Who I am really doesn’t matter, James. What I want, on the other hand…”

Winn wheezed for breath. He’d never heard James sound quite this angry. Maybe once or twice. James. James could tell Alex and J’onn and Vasquez.

“What do you want?” James demanded, voice still loud enough to be heard. “And I want to talk to him.”

“I want Guardian. Find him for me, I don’t care how.”

Whatever he said next was low enough Winn couldn’t make it out, but after a moment the man nodded uselessly and moved closer. “Describe anything you’ve seen, and you’ll regret it,” he said, jamming the phone against Winn’s ear.

“James?” he coughed, still trying to get his lungs working again.

“How badly are you hurt?” James asked, skipping the part where he assumed Winn was fine.

“Got all my fingers,” Winn offered.

“Sit tight, alright?”

Winn couldn’t. “They want to kill Guar--”

The phone was wrenched away.

“You’ve got until noon tomorrow. Or should I say today. Warn him, or call the cops or the feds or anybody, and Winn here never sees the light of day again.” Kidnapper #1 ended the call as Kidnapper #2 finally re-entered the room.

“Buddy here told the truth. Worked for CatCo till about 4 months ago. Currently unemployed.”

“Better news,” his partner held up the phone, turning it off and tossing it to Mr. Knife. “We’ve got his informant--or one very highly motivated boyfriend--finding Guardian for us. Get that out of here. Just in case he’s an idiot and the cops try to trace it. I already got the number.”

Winn hoped James had understood what he’d said, it wasn’t exactly subtle. Go to the DEO, get backup.

“You just sit tight,” the guy with the knife gave Winn a smirk that was not at all reassuring, then tramped back up the stairs. His partner paused, reaching for a roll of tape and winding it around Winn’s head to gag him, Winn tried to jerk away, unsuccessfully. Satisfied, the man followed the other up the stairs, flicking off the light as he did.

“I’m all for conserving energy,” Winn muttered against the gag, save the trees and shit but c’mon.

There was no response. Winn blinked against the dark. It would be ok. It had to be. James would ignore the stupid ‘don’t tell anyone’ threat and get the help and everything would be fine. Of course if these guys spotted the DEO agents or whoever could be spared to come to his rescue on short notice, well… medical benefits, on of the perks of the secret government agency. They could probably reattach his fingers. That was totally a thing. He was pretty sure. He tried desperately to keep his breathing even, but the tape made it difficult. Even with his nose clear, he felt like he was suffocating.

Time passed, he wasn’t sure exactly how much. He’d never needed to rely on an internal clock, with his whole “never be more than two feet from tech” schtick. His head pounded, and his worry grew. His lungs didn’t want to work right. What if they tracked down James some other way? What if they figured it out? What if--

Overhead, there was a heavy crash, muffled shouting. Winn tensed. That did not sound like a squad or two of DEO agents. It didn’t even sound like a couple cops convinced to check into a report. There was a gunshot, then two more in quick succession, sounds Winn had been perfectly happy not hearing in real life. He couldn’t hear what was going on, but doubted it was anything good. A man screamed in pain, following the sound of shattering glass and splintering wood. Another gunshot, and then directly overhead, a reverberating thud.

Sparks lit the darkness in front of Winn’s eyes, panic melding with not enough oxygen, though he remained conscious. There were heavy footsteps on the stairs, but strangely familiar. The light overhead was nearly blinding when it burst to life.

Guardian’s dark armor, dented in a few places, fairly glowed as he cast aside the shield and hurried to Winn’s side.

“Winn, it’s ok. I got you.” he found the end of the tape, unwinding it as gently as he could, though Winn still winced. “I got you, they can’t hurt you.” James continued, using a multitool to free Winn’s hands. “Think you can stand?”

“I--” Winn tried, his knees giving out on him. James shifted until he could offer better support, helping him to his feet. Even with the mask on, worry and relief radiated from his eyes. “What--”

“I traced the phone call as soon as that dick answered. I’m sorry it took so long, I didn’t want them to see me coming, I’m so sorry, Winn.”

“It’s not your fault. Thank yo--wait. You came alone? But--” Winn swallowed, throat burning. “I tried to warn you, they wanted to kill you, they could have--”

“I couldn’t go to J’onn, and take the risk they’d kill you. I couldn’t.” James said firmly. “Let’s get out of here.”

Winn’s legs were steadier, now, through as they moved it became clear that however the fight had gone upstairs, James had not come out totally unscathed.

“You’re hurt,” he managed, which was not creative but he was tired.

“It’s nothing,” James insisted as they avoided the absolute wreckage of the ground floor--some kind of old factory storehouse.

“It’s something,” Winn insisted, finally breathing clear when the reached the outside. The sky was light-tinted. Early morning. “My hero.” Oh, wow, cheesy much? Blame it on the headwound blame it on the trauma, play it cool, c’mon.

“Well, you made me this shining armor. Had to put it to good use. Saving you’s the best thing--” James stopped short. Winn tilted his head, trying to get a look at James’s face, still obscured by the helmet. He could hear the smile in his voice, and smiled back.

“Thank you,” Winn said again, trembling some, as the adrenaline that had flooded him to keep him alert faded.

“Always, Winn. Let’s get you to the Medbay,” James said as they reached a side street and the motorcycle. “And then maybe...dinner, sometime?”

“Are you asking me on a date?” Winn blinked. “And does breakfast work, instead?”

“Absolutely. And yes. Medbay first, though. Here, helmet.”

Winn nodded, fingers fumbling with the helmet straps until it was on, then managed to scramble on to the back of the bike, clinging to James. Somehow, he had never felt safer than flying down the street at way over the speed limit. He was with James, they were both alive, and that was all he needed.

#ScholsenWeek2017 #scholsen #guardiwinn #my fic

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mrsamazingdreamer · 7 years

Text

Anything For You

Hello there.

A/N- CEO!Jungkook, CEO!Reader

Warning- Jk and reader are married. (Has like disappointing marriage content, but i’ll improve over time hehe.) and the reader is lowkey horny.

Please enjoy.

His presence is just enough to make me turn myself down.

Another person, similar feeling, same name.

He’s a shadow to begin with. He’s so hot. I mean, my one night stand thoughts are on point. I feel like, I want to feel him around me. I wanna pleasure him in filthy ways and make him limp under my touch. I wanna fuck him. I want him to fuck me. From top, from back, sideways, in every way possible.

His eyes are so fucking beautiful. I wanna look at him while he fucks me from the front and when I get on top of him. I wanna stare into his galaxy like eyes when I am sucking on his cock and when he is choking me with his pride. I wanna scratch his back and leave a trail of hickeys all the way down to his V line.

I just want to fuck him. I have high temptation and lust for him. This is such a fucked up desire of mine from the moment I saw him.

I want to love him.

All I am afraid of remembering the one who broke my heart into saw dust.

The same name.

Why? I am just so alone and desperate, anything that departs from my mind, fucks me up. I don’t like this feeling of desire and the need, the fucking need to feel him inside of me.

Fuck me up, my darling, I am all yours.

I wanna talk to him. I wanna be his friend. I wanna call him up at 3 am and share a conspiracy theory.

But, I don’t wanna fall in love. I want to rise in love.

I wanna text him memes and write poems in his thoughts. I just wanna look at him do things like walk or yawn or write a little note.

Maybe because I love him.

Why? Maybe I am just too alone. -

On a typical Saturday evening I found myself curled up on my sofa listening to the sound of the thunder storm and whining rain and my dear hedgehog yawning in my lap. A hot cup of coffee and some light music was everything I needed to make myself relaxed from the activities I had been through the week. The interviews, the photo shoots, the graphic analysis, papers to sign, business trips and what not. The chaos of running an entire leading fashion magazine company was really a task to bind. I was tucked in an oversize sweater and going comfortably through the dull late afternoon. The huge glass windows were now tinted with raindrops constantly racing about.

//buzz//

3:40pm

Hey

How was your week?

🐼

I smiled at the text.

3:41pm

Meh. It was the same.

Running and screaming and signing.

3:43pm

Ow too bad.

But same. Lol.

Soooo

I clutched my heart before trying not to smile

3:44pm

So…

Lol

What

3:45pm

Wanna grab some food? 😗

With me 😗😗😗

Huuh huh 😗

I bit my lip at his cute self and smiled. Oh boy, how do I ever resist him. I thought.

3:46pm

Its raining here. 💁

3:46pm

😦 ehhhhhhhh

😥why

3:47pm

I am the one who is making it rain so that you can come over and stay here with me 🙈

I smirked at my smug reply.

3:48pm

Oh well well well

🙈🙈🙈

I’M ON MY WAY 👨

3:49pm

Omg you’re coming back?

Fuuuuck! I thought you’re joking

I’m waiting 😁

It had been almost 4 years, since I’d been interacting with this son of a hot fucking pie. This man was my everything to begin with and everything to end with.

He was a CEO of a really massive banking company. Both of us being working business individuals had a hard time interacting as often. He and I both text each other when we could and meet… In 6 months or so.

//ring ring//

I kept my hedgehog in his cage quickly and rushed to the door. My heart was beating so fast for the first time in forever. Meeting him today was certainly a stranger feeling than usual. I opened the door and was greeted with the most beautiful man fathomable to exist behind the hundreds of crimson red roses he had held in his hands.

“Mrs. Jeon… Your favorite flowers sent by your favorite person to his favorite person, delivered by your favorite person, obviously.” He tilted his head to look at me from behind those flowers as he smiled at me with his bunny teeth.

Cocky. I couldn’t help but blush deep red and look at him with a shy smile, accepting the flowers.

“Come on in, its your house.” I said scanning his figure adorned with an armani suit, stunning dark hair and his handsome self.

“Like what you see?” He teased.

“Oh shut up.” I tell him ignoring the fact that I was checking him out in his face.

“Come on y/n… You’re allowed, you know.” He smacked my ass as he walks past me toward his room to certainly change and wash up. I kept the flowers on the glass table by the door and bit my lip, feeling the area when he had smacked me on as I drowned myself into my own thoughts.

Jeon Jungkook, 25 years old, intelligent, handsome, rich, successful, eye candy and my husband of 2 years now whom I’ve met only 12 times including the one on our wedding/contracts-beneficial-for-both-our-brands.

Mentally, he’s alluring. Physically he is appealing. In reality, he was busy. But so was I.

There were a lot of hardships we have been through in these 4 years. From meeting him to getting married out of family pressure and purly business interest. Somewhere between these 4 years, I’ve learnt enough to be committed, impressed and… Live in love.

Our marriage, in context of physicals, consists of one mandatory wedding kiss, roughly 8 hand shakes, 5 hand kisses, 2 playful spanks, one goodbye hug and accidental touches.

Yes, my husband and I have certainly not been in love. But over time, I fell for him. So hard. I just came to realize it a few weeks early. I wasn’t sure, if he was too feeling the same, but I didn’t want to complain.

He is mine to call. I carry his last name. And the media knows it all. Whenever he meets me, he makes sure to take me out for a date to display a healthy relationship, perhaps also maintain it. I was happy. Despite him being so busy, he tries to keep up with our so called marriage.

I resumed my position on the couch with my pet.

“Y/N, hi.” He whispers, sitting besides me on the couch.

“Hey.” I smile back at him.

“So, how are you doing?” He drops his most frequent question.

“You see me here, I’m alive.” I mocked in my lazy tone. He suppresses his giggle at my sarcastic ass.

“Well, I’m glad. How is our little son?” He reaches to lightly pat on the hedgehog. He brought him for me for our first anniversary knowing how much I adored them and leaving a sign of himself when he’s not there. I would be lying if I couldn’t stop smiling when he said “our son”.

“He’s doing great.” I mumble.

“Y/N.” he whispers and softly hum in response.

“This is weird… What we have.” He said looking into my eyes.

I dropped my heart when he says it. The legit thought was that he was about to say something that will break my heart, but he just completely changes it.

“Its been 2 year since we got married. And we’ve never ever, spent time together, you know, like how usually couples do.” He continues as I nod.

“I get it that its just more of a superficial thing to say, but you know, I just feel like, I want to live now and you know, I want to live with you because you’re the only one whom I call mine publicly. I want to know you, y/n. Not as a CEO but as a person.” He tells making my breathing faster. My heart was pounding ever so strongly at his kind and comforting words.

“Jungkook…” Before I could finish, he puts a finger on my lips and continues,

“I’ve decided to go on a break. From my job which is probably my only life. I don’t know Y/N. I am tired. I want to live with you as my wife and not just as a business partner and I want to see things differently. Will you help me?” He was a very confident man, but listening him break down like this was such an intense thing. Jeon Jungkook, was vulnerable and tried and I was there to witness. The tycoon was coming clean to me. I wanted to hug him and this time I didn’t want to regret the opportunity.

I removed his finger from my lips and went up closer to him and said, “Jungkook, I have seen you through growing into what you are today, and I’m glad you decided to share it with me… I want to help you, and I will. You’re my husband, I’ve vowed to do so. I’m always there for you.” I leaned into him and hugged him with all I had restrained in me. Feeling his warm body made me shudder in response. It was so comfortable to have him wrapped around me. This was the most intimate I’ve gotten with him and in that moment.

It took every fiber of my body to stop myself from kissing his soft petal like lips.

I almost jump as I feel him hugging me back and burring his face into the crook of my neck, it felt as he he had brushed his lips in the nape. But I didn’t want to complain, I just wanted to make him feel wanted.

“Y/N, I’m taking year off from my business trips. I want to be home with you. I want to cook for you and buy gifts like normal people And take you for ice cream when you crave it at 3 am. I don’t wanna text you anymore good-mornings or nights, but say that to you, face to face.” He whispers so lightly making me flip my stomach upside down. It felt almost as if he’s trying to confess something he has been holding back, all this time.

“Oh, Jungkook. I’m glad you feel that way. I’ll be more than happy to have you around you know.” I reply sniffing my tears up.

“And, don’t worry, I still will sign papers, but from home. And I want you to do the same now.” He says pouting. I pull away immediately and frown at him.

“What? Are you serious? If you don’t know, I’m the CEO of-” he presses his lips against mine. He took me by surprise and I was so shocked with my eyes wide open. I notice, his eyes are so peacefully closed and his lips were actually on mine. Instead of resisting, I started melting under his touch on my arms. I felt my eyes getting heavy and my hands running to pull him close to me. I felt his lips moving against mine and I subconscious repeated the movement. His lips softly pulling mine away which indeed was the sexiest thing in that frame. His chest was so close to me I could almost feel his heartbeat rising and falling.

This was something I dreamt about and it was happening right in front of me. Everything felt surreal, from the texture of his lips to his sweet taste to his his cologne washing me over. I was ready to accept anything from that moment on because the love of my life was touching me in the most romantic way. My amazingly sexy husband was finally kissing me. I was the luckiest woman alive in the universe. And nothing made me happier than having him around me, being happy. I reluctantly pull away and tried to steady my breath. He was still clutching onto me and looking into my eyes. I felt embarrassed on how much crimson I’ve parted on my cheeks. I licked my lips and looked at him.

“That was… That was nice.” I whispered making him smile ear to ear.

“So, you’re with me?” He asks putting his forehead against mine.

“Anything for you, Mr. Jeon.” I breathed out a chuckle.

“You better pack up soon, Mrs. Jeon, we’re going for our honeymoon.” He winked at me, flushing me even more.

thanks for reading. :*

I’ll continue this for sure.

#jungkook smut #jungkook imagine #jungkook scenarios #bts scenarios #jungkook

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theemmataylor · 7 years

Text

A Frozen Medley || Sebastian, Gaston, Emma, Evelyn, Alaric, and the Mikaelson brothers.

So. I’m only posting part one publicly and will include links here for the other FIFTEEN parts, that way I’m not spamming dashes and so that things can actually be navigable. But this is one of my all time favorite verses written with @familyispower / @bourbonandbrushes / @gastonlefevre / @theveritasi. And I don’t think I will ever get enough of it, honestly.

I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | XIII | XIV | XV | XVI

There wasn't much but a bar, a hotel built from trailers, and a road in the tiny little Canadian town that would serve as the crew's jumping off point for their polar bear adventure, so it wasn't hard for the hotel clerk to find the crew enjoying one last night of warmth and leisure in the bar.

"Elijah!" she called out, walking up to the man she assumed was the group's leader. "A radio call just came in for you. Outdoors Magazine is sending a writer after all -- he'll be landing by float in about half an hour."

Elijah blinked, surprised by pleased. "Lovely." He stood. "I'll go and help him with his gear." It was quite a walk from the lake to the tiny strip of houses, shacks, and town, the ground uneven and muddy, and there were no cars to use.

Looking over from his seat at the bar, Gaston raised an eyebrow, then looked at his partner. "Which one of us bet that one of them would go wandering off at twilight without a gun on their first night up here?" he murmured, before standing. "I'll go with you."

"Lovely. Thank you." Elijah nodded at Gaston, glad he'd spoken up before Alaric could -- he was avoiding Alaric's eyes these days. He went and bundled up, waited for Gaston, and then the two of them trudged off on the ten minute walk, then stood by to watch as a large old floatplane, the same one that had brought them in, came trundling down to a messy, long, rough, bumpy landing on the shallow, muddy, half-frozen lake.

Alaric had just been about to speak up to go with Elijah, wishing they could talk again. Wishing they had a moment to get things sorted out. But Gaston spoke up before he had a chance and Ric knew that it was better if he just stayed behind. If any of the Mikaelsons needed him as anything more than the director of this tour, then they could come to him.

Kol waved at his brother and continued to drink. Sebastian had only snorted in regards to the hunter he'd come with, and then the group of them watched the pair leave.

Emma didn't know how she'd gotten herself into this mess. She'd been approached by some friend of Cecelia's and while she'd always dreamed of doing some exciting write up for an adventure like this, it wasn't as if she was really the outdoorsy type.

The plane ride had been loud and rough and the closer they got, the more anxious she got. She saw the list of people who was involved. The nature team. The director. The two... um. Escorts? With guns?

The landing was the worst part, and Emma clutched onto the arms of her seat and closed her eyes and the pilot told her to prepare herself. She whimpered once, grit her teeth, and finally, finally, they had landed and Emma was stepping shakily off the plane. After Emma was brought her pack, she looked around for the men she was supposed to meet.

The pilot pointed to two men standing further on the shore. Emma walked over, pulling her coat tighter around her, and then approached the only slightly less frightening -- though... not necessarily more attractive? -- of the two and extended her hand. "My name is Emma. I'm... your writer? Are you one of the Mikaelson brothers?"

They'd both been expecting a man to come off the plane after the tiny woman, so when she walked up with her pack and addressed them, both looked equally surprised. Elijah blinked and nodded, then offered her his hand.

"Elijah Mikaelson, yes. A pleasure to meet you, Emma. Although -- you're not quite who we were expecting."

Gaston raised an eyebrow, clearly skeptical. "You do realize that we're going after polar bears, don't you?" He sounded amused and he shifted his rifle strap.

Emma shrugged at the first comment, but when the taller man seemed to laugh at her, her gaze narrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest.

"I have been fully briefed on the expedition, sir. And I'm fully prepared. So, if you'd be so kind as to lead the way to wherever it is the party is staying, I would like to warm my hands before we leave out in the morning so that I will be able to keep notes."

Emma shifted her pack on her shoulders and then forcefully brushed past the pair, bumping into the taller one on her way, whispering something that sounded an awful lot like misogynistic prick as she did so.

Elijah gave Gaston a withering look before he moved to catch up with her, but Gaston just laughed his quiet, musical, yet hard-edged laugh as he followed after them. This entire thing felt like a joke -- first, the timing was bad enough, with fall coming in quickly and the hours of usable daylight greatly reduced. He'd heard some sort of argument between Elijah and Alaric about that -- something about their budget, the expiration of a grant, safety -- but it had been so dull, he'd almost immediately tuned it out. Still. There were clearly problems here, and now a woman had been added to the mix?

Wonderful.

"Would you like me to carry your bag?" Elijah asked as they walked along, but then he sighed. "Not -- because I think you cannot carry it, but simply because we came in on an equally crowded float plane," he'd seen all the crates stacked high in hers, "and I remember just how cramped and sore we all were upon crawling out."

Emma looked to the side at Elijah, pursing her lips at the initial offer, and then shrugged and shook her head. "No. I'll tend to my own things, thank you."

She thought many times about how crazy this was, that she was going to be in the middle of this ridiculous expedition with a bunch of men. Men who likely wouldn't believe that she had any place out there. Men who thought she would need to be taken care of and tended to and babied.

But she'd at least thought that it would have taken more than fifteen seconds before the comments about it all started. She had only packed things she thought she would need and had made sure for the two days before she left that she would be able to carry it for long periods at a time. The plane, admittedly, had been overcrowded and uncomfortable. But she was small and could curl up well enough to make herself semi-comfortable.

"So there are six of you? Right? Are they all as pleasant as your friend, here?"

"There's myself, my brother Kol who is actually on screen in the documentaries with me, our brother Niklaus, who handles all photography, still and video alike. Alaric Saltzman is the producer and director, and quite talented with sound. Gaston you've... met. In a manner of speaking. And Sebastian Moran, the other hired gun our insurance company demanded we take."

He glanced down at her, feeling terrible at what a rough bunch she had landed herself with, but just hoped that somehow, she'd come out of this not wanting to murder all of them. "We'll be leaving in the morning on another plane, traveling a significant distance northwest. I believe we're departing at four-thirty... The -- bar is the only place in town for food, and they've closed their kitchen an hour ago, but I'm sure we can manage to find you something…

"Have you ever done anything like this before?"

"You don't need to take care of me, Mr. Mikaelson. I appreciate the gesture, honestly. But I have a couple sources for food in my bag and will manage."

Was it ridiculous that she felt rude just by refusing any help this man extended? But she had told herself that she wasn't going to be a burden. She didn't really feel like she needed to prove herself to him, but the hired gun behind them had already shown here that no leniency would really be given to her.

"I've written for magazines before. And I've done nature pieces. But the conditions have been quite different. I've been in the jungle. In the desert. But not... in the cold, no."

Elijah nodded. "In that case, please, let me ask you to ask if you have questions, to speak up if there's a problem. This is our third time in the arctic, and we did two segments in the Antarctic before... I think -- one of the most important things we learned in our previous trips was that... once away from the last sign of civilization, in such cold, almost empty-feeling landscapes… there's a truly remarkable, tranquil sort of beauty, a peace that -- effortlessly touches the soul. But at the same time, that... the allure of that peace can make it feel even more difficult to handle conflict, odd as it sounds. We were just talking about this yesterday, how -- easy it is to isolate oneself from others, emotionally, even without provocation."

Somehow, some fucking how, he managed not to look back at Gaston when he said it. "So, essentially... Communicate often. Ask when you have questions, speak up when you have problems, try not to just completely isolate yourself emotionally -- because it incredibly easy, especially the... deeper into the white that we get." There was a soft, almost apologetic tone to his voice, rather than any trace of condescension.

"Thank you. I will try to keep that in mind," she said, almost jumping or kind of skipping a little to adjust her bag again better on her shoulders, and then looking over her shoulder at the hired gun. More than anything else about him, it seemed to annoy her that he was handsome. Because of course he was arrogant and condescending.

Of freaking course he held the belief that women belonged at home raising his stupid children, making him dinner, massaging his feet.

At least with the men, they seemed to know one another. The three were brothers, their director knew them well enough. The two hired guns knew one another. Emma knew it would be too easy for her to go silent for the duration of this trip, writing what happened, and not trying to reach out to anybody.

But she could be alone. She was good at being alone.

"Are we heading to the hotel? Or... Sorry. The information I received about this stint of the trip was very minimal. I was given details about the trip, and about the crew. Do I even... have a room?"

Fuck.

Elijah's eyes widened. "You -- do not. Sebastian and Gaston usually share, they're together in one. Kol and Niklaus are together. Alaric has his own, and most of the gear stashed in there... Since we thought there would be no..." And I can't even look at him right now. Gods, how am I supposed to not sabotage this expedition somehow when I can't even look at him? A week ago, he had kissed Alaric. He hadn't said a word, despite having rehearsed statement after statement. He had meant to, but the moment had seemed so right -- just the two of them going through gear, Alaric had moved close to check the serial number on a box…

It was the look of surprise, the moment of complete stillness, that Elijah remembered most clearly about that moment. He had kissed Alaric without meaning to, feeling nothing but the adoration -- the love -- that had steadily been building, and Alaric had said nothing. Granted, that might have been because Niklaus walked in just then, interrupting them (although he hadn't seen them), but all the same, Elijah felt like a monster for it.

He should have asked. He wasn't even sure Alaric knew he had such inclinations before...

That.

"Do you particularly mind sharing with me? I'll be up late reading, but I can assure you I will be quiet and well-behaved. It's not that we can't get you a room, simply that those are all of the rooms."

Emma shook her head and tried to give him a look assuring him it was fine. She considered asking him if he'd be more comfortable sharing the room with the director, and that she could keep the small, equipment filled room to herself. That seemed like the most logical thing, at any rate, but something told her there was a reason they might not be sharing it already? Maybe they didn't particularly like each other.

"I can sleep wherever. In just about any circumstances. So read all you like. Leave the light on as much as you'd like. I... might join you in that activity, even. I didn't bring books, but I have my nook, and had planned to use that while you all were... setting up. Really, my part of the job is observation and note taking. They're expecting me to do a full spread on you guys. So that'll be exciting. But while you're having down time or filming or whatever, I'll mostly just be trying to stay out of your way."

Emma tried to offer a soft smile. She liked this guy. Or what she knew of him thus far. She liked that he was willing to talk to her like a teammate and not so much like she was a woman trying to step foot on a pirate ship -- destined to bring them only bad luck.

"The group... is it... Are they all more like you?" Nice? Accepting? Nonjudgmental? Or like the guy behind us who hasn't even offered to introduce himself to me yet.

"Oh, Alaric and Kol can make anyone fall in love with them in a heartbeat," Elijah assured her with a soft laugh as they got to the hotel, such as it was. Gaston trailed away, back to the bar, and Elijah held the narrow, metal door for Emma. "Sebastian's a bit quieter, but he's charming enough -- inclined to let people be who they are and do whatever they must, he doesn't tend to get involved.

"Niklaus, though, has been in -- a bit of a sour mood recently." The narrow passages through the linked trailers were awkward, but when they made it to Elijah's room, at least there was some space to move.

Some.

The room was tiny. It looked like one of the larger ones -- large enough to have a twin-size bed, not the narrow little barely cot-sized bunks they'd passed coming in -- and was near a bathroom. "I'll let you get settled and head back to the bar -- unless you'd prefer that I wait? There have been a number of wolf sightings in town, and no one, the locals included, goes anywhere alone anymore. So if you intend to come to the bar... It would be best to have two pairs of eyes."

"That's fortunate for them." But I'm not looking to fall in love with anybody. "And, yeah, if you don't mind. I'll just grab my wallet and put my bag down and then be ready to go. After that plane ride, I'm a little restless and I'm not looking to go to sleep any time soon."

And I'm enough of a girl that I'd rather not be left alone.

Her wallet she'd left in the front zipper part of her bag and within moments, Emma breathed a sigh of relief as she set her pack down and stretched, her back and shoulders popping, and then moved to join him again in the doorway.

"You said to not let myself become secluded, right? So... I would like to go to the bar. Please."

"Then by all means." As they headed back, he looked over at her and said, "Thank you, by the way. Thank you for coming. I'm sorry not to have said it sooner." As they walked out, he saw Gaston standing on the porch of the bar, watching the street, his eyes sharp despite his ever amused, derisive expression. He never gets easier to take, no matter how often he and Moran accompany us...

"How much time did they give you to pack and prepare?"

Emma looked at the man on the porch and frowned. She really hoped the rest of them didn't expect her to be as useless as this man clearly did.

"Less than forty-eight hours," she said simply, thankful for the warmth of the bar and the dim lighting. Emma shrugged out of her oversized coat, revealing just how small her frame was, and then awkwardly stuck her hands in her back pockets, shrugging as she did so. She looked at the rest of the men. "Most of that time was ordering a bunch of warm clothing and studying the environment. Trying to figure out how to survive."

She lifted one hand in a sort of wave.

Kol smirked, an almost flirty expression -- something default for him -- and waved back. Sebastian finished his drink, grunted and nodded, and then moved outside to stand with Gaston, and to offer him relief if he wanted it.

"Charmed, I'm sure," she whispered this time.

Klaus had been sitting alone, but he stood and walked over. "So. You're the journalist. Lovely. Expected you to be a bit taller. Come. Sit with my brothers and I. Ignore Alaric, he's being serious."

"Are you drunk, Niklaus?"

"You know, Elijah, it's amazing just how much judgment you can put into the mildest of tones." He put his arm around his brother's shoulders, patted him on the chest, and smiled at Emma. "Really. Come drink with us. Kol was just telling me... something. I confess, I was hardly listening. He does..." Klaus looked at Kol and winked, "tend to go on."

"Taller, sure. To make room for the penis you expected me to have. So I've heard..." She smirked and then moved past the brothers, going to sit near the one who had waved, though she left a couple stools between them.

"Can I have a double tall gin and tonic, please?"

"Have my brothers been rude and or overly stiff in trying to make conversation. Neither of them are the most social of butterflies. Though, Nik, admittedly, is quite the fairy."

"Alaaaaaaric," Nik complained, "Kol's calling me names again." Not that he expected Ric to actually get his face out of whatever work he was doing.

Elijah tensed slightly and fussed over the notebook he'd brought with him, apparently unable to figure out just which page he wanted to read. When Emma's drink was brought over, he didn't so much as look up, because doing so would have him looking towards Alaric.

Nik looked at Elijah, at Alaric, then back at Emma with a smirk. "So, what's your name, love?"

If Elijah would have looked up, he might have seen Alaric looking at him. He might have seen uncertainty and this desperate need to talk about what happened.

But Ric's glance didn't last long, and the moment that Nik looked his direction the first time, his focus went back to his notes on the filming they had to do that first full day of light.

Watching things play out as Niklaus seemed to be doing the same, Emma lifted a brow, met his blue eyes, and then smiled softly. "Emma. Taylor. You, sir, must be Niklaus. The... um... fairy?"

"In the flesh." Nik smirked and sat down on Kol's lap. "Now, what did Outdoors Magazine tell you about the expedition? Did they tell you we leave early in the morning, we're flying out to an Inuit village, where we meet a few dog teams who'll take us the rest of the way?"

"They gave me the logistics of the trip, yes. I read all the notes your former writer had been given on the plane rides. And the thing I probably knew the least about this whole thing was what you boys were like.

"And I didn't really know anything at all about your guard duty. Are they always so pleasant? I don't think either of them were too excited to have a girl on the roster. Were you all just planning some giant orgy?"

"Oh, we usually just have one or the other of them. Moran's the much more charming one. Doesn't seem to like me much..." Nik pursed his lips, shrugged, and ran his fingers through Kol's hair before adjusting his bony little butt so as to hopefully be less uncomfortable on Kol's lap.

"Gaston's quite a talented singer. But when it comes to people skills... Tsk. Bit. Of. An ass. A fine ass. It's.."

"Niklaus, if you do not begin to drink water, or coffee at the very least, I will fetch a syringe from the medical kit and inject you with it myself," Elijah murmured.

"Don't be such a bore, brother," Kol scolded Elijah, wrapping an arm around Nik's waist and helping him adjust before relaxing. "Moran talks when he relaxes a little. Once he's grown more comfortable with your presence. It's like suddenly you're in the middle of a conversation with him, and you don't really remember the exact moment that he started talking."

Emma smiled at the brothers, and then waved over the barkeep and asked him for a cup of coffee, making sure that it was passed to Nik to humor his brother.

"As far as Gaston goes, he made it clear that he believed I'd caught the wrong flight north. Which... is fine. Maybe I'll get to save his stubborn butt from a bear attack or something."

"I hope you don't." Nik huffed, looked at the coffee, then stretched back, pushing himself over Kol's shoulder like a damned slinky before he relaxed into his brother again, one arm around Kol, the other hand reaching for the coffee. "Cheers. No. Don't fight a bear for him, he's bloody paid to protect us. If anyone's getting eaten, make sure it's him, not you."

"You are, as ever, a veritable font of kindness."

"Oooh. Kol, seems I've struck a nerve in our older brother... 'lijah, you told me to lighten up this trip. So. Lightened up? I have." Nik almost never drank this heavily, but at least his tone and energy were playful.

Elijah sighed, rubbed at the bridge of his nose, then stood. "I believe I'll retire."

"Someone has to go with you. I'm sure Alaric would. Won't you accompany my brother back and keep him safe, Alaric? He is the face of Wild Beauty, after all. No offense, Kol, but you saw the poll last week. Sort of a Batman and Robin thing," he added, looking at Emma. "You know, not everyone likes Dick."

"Must you be insuff--" Elijah stopped himself, sighed, and put his notebook back in his coat pocket before quietly and neatly replacing his chair. "Goodnight. Emma, the door will be open, the lights on; please, do not worry about waking me when you return."

"Don't ice-olate yourself, Elijah." Nik thought he was being hilarious and his soft, velvety little chuckle said as much.

Alaric had already started packing up his stuff before Nik had even gotten his coffee. He felt alone in all of this. The desire to talk about things was... a bit overwhelming. And he figured it would be easy to just ask one of the men to walk him back to their hotel.

And then Elijah was packing up.

While Emma laughed at the middle brother, she tried to subtly watch the two.

Ric moved toward Elijah, trying to quietly, silently, request that he be allowed to go with him. But when Sebastian walked in again and Ric looked at the gunman instead of keeping his eyes on Elijah, he felt like he missed his chance and instead moved toward the bar.

"Thank you, Elijah," Emma said softly, nodding in his direction, then looked up at Alaric who seemed to be gripping the edge of the bar as tight as his strength would manage. He glanced at her briefly, then shook his head.

"I'll be in as soon as your brothers are sober enough to walk back with me," she said.

Sebastian watched the entire thing play out with a raised brow, then nodded at Elijah. "You ready to go back?"

Had Alaric looked like he was okay, Elijah would have said yes. But, unfortunately, he looked over at Ric just then, and when he saw the man's hands, Elijah's heart felt like it tightened just as much. He looked back at Sebastian and gave him an apologetic but grateful smile before shaking his head. "Let me just go and see if Alaric is ready to return."

Quietly, he slipped over and stood next to him. Despite his calm exterior, Elijah's heart was pounding as he looked down at Alaric's hands before resting his left over Ric's right, his touch infinitely gentle, caring.

"Alaric," he murmured. "I owe you an apology, I know. I have... been avoiding you for childish reasons. Will you -- are you willing to return to the hotel with me? Perhaps we... ought to talk."

With the touch, Alaric let out a huff of breath and without allowing himself to overthink it too much, he pulled his hand free from under Elijah's and quickly grabbed both sides of his face before pulling him into a kiss. Fast. Hard. His heart thrummed in his chest and his stomach twisted.

Both of Emma's brows raised, her lips parted just slightly as she watched this moment happen so suddenly. Sebastian, too, watched, though his expression remained fairly neutral and relatively unimpressed.

Kol squeezed Nik around his waist and snorted. "I bloody told you," he mused in Nik's ear just as Alaric was pulling away.

"Yes," Alaric whispered, pulling away entirely. Embarrassed. Elijah was a private man. He shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have made it so public. "Perhaps we should talk."

Elijah looked stunned. He stared at Alaric for a moment before he nodded once, twice, no, a third time, frowned, then went to get his coat. "Mister Moran, if you would prefer to remain here, you're certainly welcome to. Alaric and I will go straight back to the hotel; we'll be fine."

Alaric...

Elijah looked at him, half-convinced that Alaric would somehow already be gone, that he would already have packed all of those feelings in, that he would be pretending nothing had happened -- but the look in Ric's eyes felt like some sort of assurance, an assurance Elijah desperately wanted to understand.

Nik, meanwhile, was laughing quietly, still too drunk to really behave about it. "Took them long enough. You know, Emma, those two have been carefully not eyeing each other for... months. A year, perhaps. No. Two, maybe? Kol, when did it start, the Kalahari?"

"Hush, brother. Watch the show," Kol scolded with a smack to Nik's thigh. Though the smirk on his lips seemed to be infinite and thoroughly pleased with the entire situation. He waited until Alaric had nodded once, avoiding the eyes of everybody except Elijah, it seemed, and then walked with the eldest brother out of the bar.

"About twenty months," he finally said, speaking mostly to Emma. "It's like they've been dancing around the whole possibility of being together. And we couldn't figure out if they were together and just trying to hide it from us. But then we determined they were hiding it from themselves. Their touches were always too careful." He shrugged and continued drinking his bourbon while Nik had to settle for coffee.

"Well... if things work out... Perhaps I should be more careful about going to bed tonight. I..." can just sleep in the hallway floor. "would rather give them their privacy."

Outside, when they were clear of Gaston's range of hearing, Alaric spared a glance in Elijah's direction. "I'm sorry. I... You wanted to talk. And I know you've been avoiding me since you... If you didn't feel anything when you kissed me, if you were afraid of telling me that, afraid that it would split up our company... Elijah, I understand."

Elijah frowned. "I was afraid that you didn't feel -- the same romantic attraction, and that I had grossly overstepped by taking such a liberty with you." He was quiet for the rest of the walk, until they got to the hotel door and he held it open for Alaric. Turning, Elijah nodded to Gaston, who disappeared into the bar now that all of his baby chicks seemed to be settling down for a while.

Stopping in the tiny, drab, sad room that passed for a lounge, Elijah turned to face Alaric. The clerk had already gone home for the night -- she drove a snowmobile with mud skids and carried multiple guns -- and so they had the haunted-feeling place to themselves, for now.

"I greatly admire you, Alaric," he said after an awkward, prolonged silence.

"I was stunned, certainly, when you kissed me, Elijah, but only because after all this time I had managed to convince myself that every look or touch or kind word you had ever given me was out of friendship and nothing more."

He had to smile at the way Elijah confessed his feelings. Only this man could make them sound so proper. But because of the way he'd said them, Alaric felt like anything he said in return would fail to equate.

"I think about you every day," Alaric said softly, reaching hesitantly as if he were going to take Elijah by the hand, but he thought better of it and just brushed the back of Elijah's hand with a singular finger before letting the touch fall away. "I will never be good enough for you, but I do try to be. Because you... You deserve everything good. You deserve every happiness. I guess... what I'm saying, Elijah, is that I think about you every day. I think about... what it would be like to be yours." This is too much too fast. All he said was that he admired me. He could just be talking about my work.

"I'm talking too much. I'm sorry."

Elijah had listened to him with a serious, focused expression. When Alaric reached for his hand and only touched it instead, Elijah glanced down and twitched an eyebrow at the gesture before looking back up to meet Alaric's eyes again. "You need not apologize for expressing your feelings, Alaric. Learning the depths of your -- affectionate interest is a surprise, but not an unwelcome one. Not in the slightest."

He reached out and took the hand Alaric had touched him with, holding it carefully between both of his, never breaking eye contact. "I hope that, in your wonderings, you imagine a time when we might wake up next to each other without both feeling the need to look away. I hope that you imagine knowing, knowing beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you are good enough -- morally, intellectually, aesthetically. Purely. For between us, there can be no.... measure taken that will ever show within you any lack. You move me, Alaric, deeply, in so many ways that I cannot begin to count them, yet will attempt it, if you like." He spoke calmly, his tone measured and soft and yet almost painfully earnest, and then he raised Alaric's hand and kissed his palm.

"Here," his lips still brushed the soft skin, "you hold my heart." He closed Alaric's hand as he straightened, meeting his eyes again -- ready to apologize if any of it had been too much, but stubbornly refusing to offer an apology again without prompting now that he knew the truth they shared.

Carefully, with the hand that Elijah had kissed, Alaric moved it to brush along the side of the other man's face, holding him there, looking at him. He wondered, silently, how he had managed to capture the attentions of someone so incredible.

His lips parted and he inhaled as if he were going to say something else, but instead Alaric leaned forward and pressed a soft, affectionate, this time much gentler kiss to Elijah's lips. He wanted to tell him that he'd convinced himself six months ago that Elijah was just being polite with him, and that if he couldn't get his shit together to control his feelings, he would need to walk away from the company.

Then, when he still hadn't managed to do so, he had decided two weeks ago that this would be his last project with the company. He had the letter all typed up, saved to his drafts, ready to be sent to BBC. Besides, wasn't it time for him to go back where he belonged, anyway?

But now...

"Thank you," he said quietly, his other hand lifting to rest against Elijah's chest. "I will do everything in my power to keep it beating. My own has... been in your hands for some time now. Even without realizing it, you've taken care of it. Thank you, Elijah."

Elijah closed his eyes and let himself sigh away all of the tension he didn't realize he'd been holding. Alaric's hand on his chest felt like home, and Elijah knew, in that moment, he would never feel this peace again if he lost it. He stayed still and quiet for a long time, listening to the wind as it started whistling around the trailers, and then he finally stepped back and opened his eyes again.

"It seems... to me.. that it would be unprofessional and perhaps indecent to take any intimate steps while on a long journey that requires such.. exceedingly close quarters. You and I both have a great deal of work left to do tonight, I know, and perhaps we should part ways to do so... but it would -- if you will consider it -- give me the greatest pleasure to conduct our work out here, together... Side by side, even if we must be silent."

Alaric's arms fell. And so too, it felt, did his heart.

When he was so close to being able to call the man who had consumed every waking moment of Ric's thoughts with hopes of being together and fantasies of what that would make their trips like, Alaric had forgotten to factor in just how professional Elijah was. Always. While his brothers were in the bar holding on to each other and doing something that many people might consider flirting? While the young woman who had just joined them was looking for her place and trying to relax enough with a drink that Alaric had watched her wince against as she took her first drink, as the two hired guns seemed just as likely to kill the crew themselves as protect them from anything, Elijah was professional. Distantly so.

He nodded once and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"I'll go get my things." He offered Elijah a weak smile, and then went to move past him, down the hall and to the back where he held his own room.

Elijah put a hand out against Alaric's abdomen to stop him; as always, despite the firm decision of his movement, something about his actual touch seemed to offer a choice. He would never force anyone to stay beyond their desire to, human or animal, and yet he wished Alaric would.

"May I have one more moment?"

Alaric stopped with the touch. In that brief moment between the kiss and when Elijah had pulled away, he had hoped. And then, in the even shorter span between when Elijah had stepped back and when Ric had moved for his things, he'd understood -- or so he believed -- that this would never actually happen. Because they would always be on some job. They would always be risking the entire company for the sake of a romance.

"Yes, Elijah," he replied, looking down at the hand that touched him so carefully. "As many as you'd like."

"Your... expression changed enough, please forgive me if I've read too much into it, but I cannot help but worry that my words may have been in some way unclear. I have every intention of -- giving you everything," he touched Alaric's chin, trying to get him to look up and meet his eyes, "and on subsequent expeditions, the others will have simply have to accept us, should things go well. But.. for this, for something we're beginning, I would rather it not be... when someone so new is with us, or when we are -- going to be unreasonably, dangerously close to the predators we go in search of. No one has ever done what we're attempting to do -- not without cages, armored observation vehicles, drones.

"I do not want to deny this forever -- only to give ourselves this one last shoot, one of our most dangerous, before we... change everything. Now that we both know, or have an idea, of where the other stands.. and now that I hope you know I -- will never feel home until we are together, as I have been robbed of any sense of the word since we sat together that morning in the desert and the scorpion walked so curiously, so safely, over our hands where they rested side-by-side. I want, desperately want, to be with you, Alaric. And the moment we are back here, the night we spend here waiting for our return flight, I hope you know I intend to...

"Ensure that you are warm. That night, and every night after. Every. Night. If you permit it."

Something in the words, as ridiculous as it sounded, made Alaric certain that one of them would die on this expedition. One of them would unintentionally, unwillingly rob the other of this chance at what could be something... something Ric had always wanted.

Elijah had a family. He had brothers. Parents. But Ric was... alone in this world, save for this crew. Sure, he'd been married once, and he had wanted so much for her to be his family. But looking back on it now, it was so evident that Isobel never wanted him in the same way. She wanted prosperity. She wanted achievement. She wanted everything Ric had, ironically, gone off and gotten for himself after Isobel had left him in the middle of the night with nothing more than a note that said Please don't look for me.

"I can be patient," he said with a weak smile. "I deal with your brothers for months at a time. And then satellite calls from the girl looking to reconnect with the mother who gave her up," who gave me up, "Only to tell her that I still have no information to offer her. I can be patient. But if you are expecting me to be able to continue on as I did yesterday. Careful. Hesitant. Distant... I don't know that I can accomplish that."

#a frozen medley #familyispower #gastonlefevre #bourbonandbrushes #theveritasi #one shot #v nature doc

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