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spacelazarwolf · 1 year

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making a separate post but like. i don’t think some of y’all understand how genuinely traumatizing it is to have undiagnosed (or even diagnosed) adhd and go through school as the lazy stupid kid. i’ll tell you a little bit about what school looked like for me.

when i was in second grade, my teacher used to drag my desk up to the front of the class in the middle of lessons if i tapped my pencil or bounced my knee. she wouldn’t let me talk to any of my friends, and wouldn’t let me read my books when i was done with my assignments and was waiting for everyone else to finish. she would berate me in front of the whole class until i cried. her treatment of me got so bad my parents had to pull me out of school.

when i was in fifth grade, my teacher gave out “assignment alerts”, bright orange pieces of paper that indicated you’d forgotten to turn in an assignment. i was given dozens of these papers, and they started to build up, so it was harder to hide them. she would give these out in front of everyone in the middle of class, and she always made sure that when it came to me everyone knew i had the most. she would mock me in front of my classmates for my inability to keep up with homework and said that because my test scores were good it was because i was just lazy and didn’t care.

when i was in seventh grade, my teachers made me come up to the front of the class at the beginning and end of the period so they could inspect my assignment book and sign it, in view of the rest of my classmates, and announce whether or not i’d done my homework. when i inevitably forgot about assignments, they would berate me in front of the class.

when i was in high school, i wasn’t allowed to try to test into higher level classes because my teachers had decided that even though i did well on tests and papers, i wasn’t intelligent enough to take them because i couldn’t keep track of my assignments and deadlines. I was told over and over again that i was just lazy, and anytime i tried to explain what i later learned were symptoms of adhd i was berated and told i was making excuses.

when i was in college, i failed two classes my first year because i couldn’t keep up with the deadlines. the day before my second year, my best friend died, and i stopped going to classes. my teachers didn’t connect the dots because they assumed based on the previous year that i was just lazy and didn’t care about school. i failed several classes that year and never got the mental health assistance i needed, and my reputation at the school was pretty much shot. one teacher even went out of his way to try and fail me because he didn’t believe i deserved a degree. he tried to claim i’d plagiarized one of my papers to put a mark on my transcript. luckily he didn’t or i may have had to drop out. i had to do an extra year to make up for all the classes i’d failed, and barely graduated.

i did end up dropping out of my attempted masters degree (the only school that would take me with such a low gpa, and the only school that offered no scholarships or assistantships) because all of the teachers refused to give me any sort of accommodations, noting my bad grades from undergrad. i was given no patience or grace, my disability was not respected, and i had to drop out.

these experiences (which are just a handful of many) were so traumatic that they gave me diagnosed ptsd. i’m almost 30 and i’m still in therapy learning to cope with the horrifying levels of self hatred, anxiety, and dysfunction that my academic experiences gave me. i’m still learning how to even begin to function and take care of myself after i was told for so long by people who were supposed to help and support me that i didn’t deserve to succeed.

i fully understand how stressful it is to mask your neurodivergence in order to succeed, and how that can affect your mental health. i understand the high levels of anxiety and dysfunction in former gifted kids. i get that, and i respect it. but i’m honestly so tired of ppl trying to say there’s no difference in that experience vs. mine. that someone who had a 4.0 all through high school and college and got a good job is just as materially affected as someone who couldn’t just push through, who couldn’t make it through higher education, who couldn’t graduate high school, who can’t hold a job at all.

these experiences are all valid but they are DIFFERENT. and when the only people i ever hear about when talking about adhd are the former gifted kids, it makes me feel so incredibly alone. and maybe if there were a greater variety of voices and experiences that were showcased, people like me wouldn’t feel so isolated and self-critical. maybe we’d realize that we deserve grace and kindness too, even if we didn’t get to be the gifted kids.

#adhd

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aucatgirl · 3 months

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I got diagnosed with bipolar 1 w/ psychotic features in October, but I’m talking about it more now bc it’s really starting to sink in how much it explains for me… like… woag. This is crazy. My behavior is actually explainable and relatively common. Not only am I not overreacting for continually saying I had an undiagnosed mental illness, but it is as severe as I believed. Sometimes your intuition is right

For years I felt crazy whenever I told people I had psychosis But Only Sometimes, and couldn’t figure out what could possibly cause that. Apparently around half of people with bipolar 1 have psychosis during episodes and then have memory loss/regret after the fact. That’s wild.

Getting misdiagnosed as ADHD despite not having symptoms as a child? So apparently bipolar and ADHD can present very similarly on the surface. Had no clue about that. What’s funny is that I would “switch” between hyperactive and inattentive types. Not how that works, lol

Getting way motivated to write and write and write forever but only sometimes? Very common and recorded thing, the reason why a lot of famous writers have bipolar. One of my psychiatrist’s other patients wrote a large poetry book in less than a week. I wrote a fantasy novel in a month

The thing I feel the most shame about, self isolating at the slightest stress and having a sort of “on and off” approach to relationships? Whoops. Not great, but common, typically a result of rejection sensitivity and/or psychosis. It’s the unfortunate reality that you may be difficult to be friends with. It’s not worth getting into a self-hate spiral for, though, there are plenty of patient people in the world and you just have to keep learning to manage

And the thing I always beat myself up for, I felt like I couldn’t get help because I cycled through “mental illness? What mental illness? I’m totally fine!” to “I need serious help but I feel too depressed and awful to do it”. Super common. It’s the reason a lot of people w bipolar stop taking their meds. That’s wild, too.

I really wish I’d known these things about bipolar outside of the basics before because I might’ve recognized it in myself. Or maybe not, because self-awareness in bipolar tends to be extremely low, and so was mine!!

#🐈#not a PSA just a personal ramble lol #this is leaving out some of the worst stuff cus like. I don’t wanna get THAT personal

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ocd--culture-is · 3 months

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questioning ocd culture but I don’t have or undiagnosed ocd but this is just ruining me + bothering me too much so I really hope u don’t mind me asking

Tw : s/h

so these few months I’ve been having really violent + extreme intrusive thoughts that usually make me have a breakdown or panic attack. also I would constantly do self harm in a way to cope and to convince myself that those thoughts aren’t real at all and that I’m just faking it for attention. and then I usually feel like I’m going insane and that everything is going wrong because of me. I don’t know anymore. I think I may have ocd, but I’m scared of getting diagnosed cause I don’t want my parents to find out. Not asking for a diagnosis here but what do you think these things sound like?

feel like I’m overreacting. sorry. if u ever feel offended or uncomfortable, just delete this ask

Don't worry, you're not "overreacting" in any way, these thoughts and behaviours really are frustating and hard to deal with! Neither is this offensive, you're just trying to figure out why you feel the way you do, or think or behave, ect. I don't mind things like these! So feel free to ask and or dm me on here or my main, I'll try my best to help in any way I can. Butttt I'm not a psychiatrist or anything of that sort, so don't rely too much on me

I'm really bad with long texts, so bear with me; I'm sorry if I skip over something ALSO I'M REALLY SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. I don't know how to shorten it, I'm sorry. (Hopefully you aren't like me and don't have trouble with paragraphs)

Intrusive thoughts, let's start with that, while they are very common in OCD, many disorders have it as a symptom. Also to not forget that people w/o disorders may also get them once in a while. It seems to me, you're reacting heavily to these thoughts, which means there is most definitely something more to it. I can't tell you what it might be, it could be OCD if compulsions are present as well as some of the other symptoms/criteria, but it could also be something else.

As for the sh part, it might be a temporary coping mechanism but it's not gonna help or change your thoughts in any way There's safer mechanisms out there to help, that could maybe also help with the intrusive thoughts in a way, my dms are always open to help come up with alternatives. I won't get further about that cause it's not something you really asked and I can get how frustating it sometimes is if someone goes "stop sh'ing!!! it bad" as if you do it for fun, and you probably know it's not a healthy way to cope.

Also, I've said this before in a post (?) but feeling like you're faking it for attention or for any reason does not immediately mean you are actually faking it. Your mind is just convincing you otherwise. You can't struggle with something that does not exist; if these thoughts weren't real or if you were faking them, you would not struggle with them in any way or go crazy cause of them.

#tw self destruction #questioning ocd #anon ask #ask #answered #---#actually ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #culture is #actually obsessive #mental health #obsessive compulsive behavior #obsessive compulsive spectrum #obsessive thoughts #ocd #mental illness

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hell0kittyland · 5 months

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Anti vent???

Warning long as fuck:

So y’all, today I stood infront of a mirror and actually inspected my body and did a proper body check. And you know what I never realised how much body dysmorphia has ruined my life😭 because I don’t even look THAT bad. Granted the weightloss is a must and I need a flat stomach but as for the stretch marks and uneven skintone, it’s really not that fucking bad. Cause in my head I was so out of it I was at peace with dying alone and never getting a boyfriend or having a first kiss, and I’m FUCKING 20? I turned 20 this years June.. and I’m like the amount of guys I’ve rejected is crazy all because I’m so insecure with my body it’s insane, like I’m going to have a mental meltdown if a man sees me unclothed because my brain will genuinely push itself to suicide or something insane because I’ll demean myself ext and it’s just sad. But I looked in the mirror today with no makeup ext it was the morning and I was just wearing my bra and panties and I inspected myself and my tits are actually pretty there not saggy not perky, sit nice and are a nice shape and amount. I’m very tall at 5”9 so I have a model look especially with my cheekbones on my face so I’m genuinely a pretty girl however I never care enough because I’m so obsessed with the mentality of “maybe in the next life” or “maybe if I reincarnate into a normal girl I won’t have to deal with this shit” which why do I have to wait till I FUCKING DIE to be happy, wear the clothes I want and have a relationship. Now bitch I’m not trying to sound conceited yeah I’m a little crazy and I’m diagnosed autism + adhd goes crazy and yeah I have BPD tendencies (not diagnosed) in close relationships where I self destruct because of self hate and abandonment issues that I ruin everything. Yeah I’m socially fucking extremely awkward and I’m corny as hell but you know what, I sat there and I was fuck, if I was a male, I would date me. Oh 100% like I WOULD unironically date me. And realising this had me abit shocked. You know I sat there and spread my legs and inspected my kitty and I was like hmmm it’s not bad tmi but you know I actually had a pretty conventionally tight cough cough. So I checked my ass and my thighs and yeah my legs are weirdly disproportionately skinny compared to my top half but my ass wasn’t that bad either. But I was like … the fucking stretch marks got me, I’m not talking 1 or 2 or a few. I’m talking them bitches EVERYWHERE like In places you wouldn’t even expect.

And I sat there like okay I’m really not that bad I just need to work on myself abit, fix my life, get a proper job and make enough money cause I’m broke ass bitch currently with no life so once I’m economically up I can get treatment for the stretchmarks and save up. Move out of home stuff like this AND THEN I can try dating which is a huge thing since I was actually so convinced I would die alone, but now I’m like wtf I’m kinda not ugly. Like mentally I was hell bent that I was a science experiment, if y’all saw what I looked like ext you would think… bitch you look fine. Which it’s those things where you see yourself in a completely different way than others and it’s like a mental disease. Consuming too much media since I was child fucked up the way I saw bodies and shit, but like I was on the app flo and reading womens stories about there relationship wnd insecurities I realised how NORMAL my issues where… like all this time my autistic ass brain made it seem like I’m a monster with a lisp and a fucked up body and woahhh nobody will ever love me but then I read stuff about women where I’m like… hold on this is kinda… normal?

Fucking ED and my messed up culture and family have Ruined my body image forever, diet culture in my home is so normal my mom has a undiagnosed ED it’s so obvious, my sister does fucking everybody fasts like it’s normal and there’s all types of Ana related shit at home 😭 I asked my mom but me a 1 cal oil spray to cook so it doesn’t stick to the skillet since olive oil is fucking ridiculously high in cals

And she bought me not ONE but TWO. Obviously she told me to stop and cried when I did a 30 day water fast and said I looked like those starved kids in poorer countries 😭 cause of my cheeks hollowed out but in general dieting is encouraged and rewarded in my extremely dysfunctional home.

Anyways TLDR: learned I’m not a complete ugly pig monster oink oink 🐷 today and I’m not even that bad, just some adjustments and improvements so uh don’t worry I’m still stuck with my fucking life sucking ED but I don’t really give a fuck and I’m kinda content with life today hehe

#ed not ed sheeran #@na vent #@nor3×14 #@tw edd #i want to ⭐️ve #⭐️rve #3d f4st #f4tsp0 #sk11ny #star ⭐️

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 1 year

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Hi Rachel,

In some of my writing I’m beginning to notice more and more that certain characters (not all) remind me of myself lol. And I hate it, I go back and rewrite them. But I’m interested if you relate to any of your characters as well so—Out of the characters you’ve written (Lonan, Reeve, Harrison, etc..) who do you think is the most like you? And what’s your take on writers seeing themselves in some of their characters?

feel about seeing reflections

Hahaha I used to HATE writing characters that were like me, and it took a while to realize that actually, they ALL are me in some iteration. To answer your question about writers seeing themselves in their characters—if writing characters that are “self-inserts” makes you joyful, DO IT!!! If writing characters who aren’t self-inserts but have attributes to you makes you joyful, DO IT! Or if you’re not into it—that’s fine too! Life is too short! Have fun with what works for you!

My experience below, this gets kind of intense as a warning! CW: suicidal ideation, disocciation

Aligning myself with my characters has been an intensely life-saving experience. I’m not sure I’d be here if it were not for Lonan… 16-year-old Rachel WAS him, and also needed him because literally nobody else “understood” where I was at except for him (undiagnosed autism for BOTH OF US??).

There was a time of my life where I couldn’t emotionally regulate at all, and in moments of stress, would often dissociate and quite literally converse with this man (looking back now, this was just a coping mechanism—confirmed by my doctor btw!—but for a couple years he was a genuine part of my psyche, like moved out of just character territory). I think I talked about this years ago, but I have a really distinct memory of disconnecting so much I quite literally thought he was THERE next to me, which I needed—he really became an externalization of the things I couldn’t deal with (or didn’t understand how to deal with). I needed to see myself reflected in the eye of someone else and for a really long time that was Lonan for me. Actually screaming crying that’s so cute.

And Lonan is similar to me in a lot of ways! This is a side tangent but when I was first diagnosed as autistic it made me wonder if I’d inadvertently written any autistic characters & it struck me way back then that the person most similar to me (Lonan lol) is probably also autistic. I was like—sensory issues?? No emotional regulation?? Speaks a bit oddly?? We are THE SAME. Haven’t really confirmed this in canon lol but I’ve been thinking about it since 2021.

Funnily, now that I have that diagnosis, my life is a lot more stable so like… I’m not currently the most like Lonan lol. But me at 16-19??? Absolutely him.

Unfortunately, I am currently HARRISON, which isn’t ideal but just like he’s a 21-year-old experiencing horrors I’m a 21-year-old experiencing horrors (which is why BB is sometimes painful to write cuz I’m like oooooh I’m feeling this… too much). To be fair, I’ve always said I’m the introverted version of Harrison (because I am lol our personality types are the same, not that I believe in those but since I was like 13 I’ve said this). But just like Lonan, Harrison has helped me now process some tough things this year that I’m not sure how else I would’ve survived. It’s important to me that I have fictional vessels to explore my own life with because it can help me identify problems & then learn to empathize with myself by empathizing with a character first.

Of course they’re also separate from me—they absolutely didn’t start as ME but as time goes on I start seeing myself in them particularly (Reeve sometimes too—our kindred spirits with processing toxic relationships <3). Maybe it’s because I am autistic, but I find it useful to understand my experiences via someone else. I love seeing the ways we can inform each other.

My TL;DR is I’m Harrison if he was Lonan so I guess I’m BB Harrison. Love this for me so much. But also add autism. Which is probably already there because: Lonan. LMAO and a dash of Reeve’s compartmentalization skills. And we have me!

#also to add in the tags because I’m feeling vulnerable lol #Lonan also helped me process my own queerness a lot #like he still does lol but #I was extremely alone in a lot of my experiences #and also extremely afraid (I still am)#& he is also feeling that way too in MW #I needed that because I had no one else to turn to #especially in my last year of high school (when I wrote MW) I was extremely #angry at god and extremely sad and afraid and confused #so we went through that together… sometimes now I forget how much he actually means to me #as a person and I know I’m on the fictional people website and don’t have to disclaim this but I know he’s not real #but I’m proud of how far we’ve both come & are going lol #so happy he’s getting a chance to understand he is loveable because #both of us in 2018 weren’t sure about that #think I’m reentering my Lonan hyperfixation era LOL after a 3 year hiatus <3

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fumifooms · 2 years

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L’s sugar addiction & self-medication : character analysis

I have some thoughts on L and his relationship to sugar that I haven’t seen from others yet surprisingly, so I’m making this post that hopefully won’t get too long definitely became long af. I’m very open to counter-arguments or people adding on to this.

Some context: I 100% see L as autistic and there’s honestly no debate to be had, even though I don’t think it was done intentionally. (I respect others having different perspectives, I just think it’s objectively the most fitting label/explanation and I’ll act like it’s a given through this analysis). I’m autistic myself, “high-functioning” meaning I mask decently enough, diagnosed at 18 and started taking concerta for attention this month at 19, I’m also INTP if that matters and yeah uh as a kid I identified a lot with L and Near and wow surprise surprise I got a bit unhealthily reliant on sugar for a while there, so here I go.

Other context headcanons: L has autism, but is undiagnosed, which I believe mostly because Wammy’s House seems to be outside of the government and society’s eye and it didn’t seem concerned with diagnosis or mental health, the time at which Death Note was written in, and just general vibes idk. Even if he was diagnosed, he strikes me as the kind of autistic who wouldn’t care about the label and wouldn’t give much thought to it -mostly because he gives 0 shit about masking tbh and he’s highly fact oriented-, thinking he works well as he is and that medication would change him and the rupture to his habits sound unpleasant, even if down the line it’d be very helpful and it actually doesn’t change you as a person chill. Yeahh, I have an aversion to drugs of any kind, outside stuff affecting my brain chemistry just gives me a big nope, that’s including alcohol, coffee and painkillers, so I can relate even if it’s something I have to get over, and he seems the type of not wanting to be under any effect. Anyways point is: he doesn’t take meds and isn’t super aware of his condition, despite being knowledgeable in his habits and needs in many regards in canon, on the spot I’m thinking about his sitting pose = brain power stat for example.

So why the sugar? The canon explanation is something along the lines of it giving him the energy he needs because he sleeps so little. Yeah fair, that does make sense, and also fits in with what I’ll be talking about:

My explanation: L self-medicates with sugar, which lead to sugar addiction. And I’m being 100% unironic. Those words are thrown around jokingly a lot but sugar addiction is a real issue that doesn’t get addressed much. Confirmation that L’s relationship with sugar is an addiction might even have been like, explicitely stated in canon at some point? But I haven’t seen that around and my memory really isn’t that good. So yeah there’s probably L’s picky food taste because of autism sensory issues in there as well, him just liking the taste and all and wanting same food, but this level of always eating it is more than just a preference. I’m sorry fellow autistic guy that only ate potatoes for all his life and got massive problems, but at least potatoes don’t influence your brain chemistry. Even if it started as a preference and continues to be such, if he’s addicted or not with how much of it he consumes is out of his hands. And where my earlier rambling comes in is: I think he’s unaware that it’s an addiction, I think he doesn’t think much of it, he overestimates his agency and control over his diet, even if he does recognize his dependency on it to a degree. L eats sweets pretty much constantly in canon, so that part won’t be argued about, I’m more interested in the why and how of it.

Let’s refine what sugar addiction is a bit, have this article. (It implied at one point that sugar can’t be truly/gravely addicting but it shows facts comprehensively so I’ll let it slide) Sugar addiction pretty much demands that you eat sugar constantly to get the effects (energy, stimulation that makes your head feel clearer) you seek, when the addiction is in full swing. Sounds self-explanatory yet? Is sugar addiction real? Further reading: healthline.com article, theguardian article, someone’s journey. It’s a complex and debated issue, and sugar is still something important to have in certain quantity in our bodies, I don’t claim to be a biochemist or expert on the topic.

Ok but why sugar? Why would he get addicted? Why does L feel like he need it? Well even if it wasn’t a full on addiction, which in his case it is, sugar gives energy, as mentioned, it can somewhat act as a stimulant. Without mentioning that sugar is widely spread and seen as pretty casual, it’s easy to get into eating it way too much and thinking nothing of it, like coffee, especially if you don’t suspect your craving of it is tied in with how your brain works. In autism, if you tend to be understimulated, you can get prescribed stimulant medication that’s intended or generally given to people with ADHD, like me with concerta, it’s really not that uncommon. Have these article tidbits that adress it as self-medication:

(article 1: addcrusher.com “How You Are Self-medicating your ADHD” - Article 2: Medium.com “Why Adults With Undiagnosed ADHD Often Turn To Self-medication”)

Why do you think L needs stimulants in the first place? He has shown to want more stimuli in general, rather than being overstimulated, even if he does like to have a calm controlled environment. I, too, am an autistic person that gets understimulated easily, which mostly leads me to listen to fast paced music as stimming when doing college exams, etc. L seeks the mental stimulation of puzzles and it’s the only thing he shows interest in doing (canon), again because of the stimulating entertainment factor. Because he doesn’t mind situations that put him under pressure, or in contact with a team of people or in public. He doesn’t mask to appear nice or neurotypical, but he does show no discomfort about an overwhelming amount of stimuli in general. Also because he stims in other ways than solving cases: tapping his feet, playing with food, etc. And, last of all, the reason of this essay, because he eats sweets all the time.

Okay, but sugar as self-medication? Really? Where does your personal experience come into this? Like I’ve mentioned here and there, I get understimulated easily and I only started taking stimultant meds veryyyy recently. That stuff is instinctual; you’ll tap your feet mindlessly if you need more stimulation, if you’re hungry you’ll eat, if you want coffee you’ll get it, if you have a lil sugar craving you’ll seek to quench it, even if you don’t really know why. You do what makes you happy, and if sugar makes you feel good for a while, makes you feel energized or think more clearly then subconsciously you’ll start wanting it more often, hence why you start out not thinking much of it. I wouldn’t describe my case as an addiction, I don’t think I really got withdrawal or super bad or anything, but there definitely were days when i’d constantly be craving and/or eating sweets, always taking breaks from fruitless work to grab another sugary snack every 15 minutes or every hour. Gummies or other candies, cookies, marshmallows, and for a while even literal packets of refined sugar. They were food cravings like any other, feels like “I want some pizza”, but underlaced with need, and a feeling that you’ll feel and function better once you’ve gotten it. But the craving never stops, and you’re never satisfied, you only ever end up taking more and more and more. Yeah, I’d class my experience as an attempt at self-medication, definitely. Often when I'd take a lot and keep surrendering to the craving for more it’d just lead to more intense hyperactivity, manic symptoms and my body going bonkers with sweating and shaking and stuff, but sometimes it’d genuinely help me focus on schoolwork and on concentration.

Conclusion: It’s a stimulant, so it helps L. It makes him feel like it’s helping him think better and be more awake, so he takes more. It keeps working to some degree even if it’s unhealthy, so he never stops it or tries alternatives. That’s kind of all there is to it, in the end. L puts a great deal of interest in his mental state for productivity purposes, but has never seemed to have any care in his body’s health at all, so I don’t think he’d care to change even if he knew how bad it was anyways.

Tangent: I also like the thought of Wammy’s House being pretty abusive in that neglectful (and manipulative) way and Watari being such an enabler, all focused on performance rather than healthy behavior and thought processes, which does work for iq results apparently but at what cost. L and Mello especially def have some self-destructive habits. Anyways yeah- I like that angle instead of the whole thing being “haha quirky”, it sounds narratively consistant and compelling for the tone of the Death Note franchise. I’m sure Watari honestly believes he’s doing a good thing and helping L working at his best condition, to some degree, but yeahhh feeding the guy under your care only sweets for years without steering him towards healthier alternatives is bad if we want to do a realistic analysis, especially if you’re the one who raised him/organized the environment in which he grew up.

Actual conclusion, more in-depth: So what does this all mean for his character, if I’m getting angstier: L is driven into his detective work not because of some grand passion or ambition (canon), but because working on cases is the only thing interesting enough for him (also canon) aka the only thing that gives him enough stimuli to not be understimulated and painfully bored, but for that lifestyle of constantly chasing high stimulation he also needs substances that give him a rush. The whole thing is extremely unhealthy and unsustainable and L will crash and burn out eventually at any given moment. Kind of a tragic character, huh. He died on his thoughest case ever, his interest driving him to take risks and get more invested and stressed than ever.

L’s laser focus on objective productivity while ignoring the fact that he has human physical needs just like everyone else, likely from a feeling of superiority and uniqueness not entirely unfounded, makes him blind to his very real issues. Being an irl L isn’t cool, it’s sad and unhealthy, cringy for everyone else around you. You may think you have metaphysics and the meaning of life or lack thereof pegged, but that won’t do you any good while you’re on the floor in a manic episode or burnout. I’ve been there mate, but seriously, gain perspective and grow some self-care, being purely statistic oriented is stupid.

Give this man concerta. And a therapist he’ll condescendingly dismiss and talk over, but therapy nonetheless.

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skyhon · 1 year

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I thought for so long that I couldn’t finish my highschool diploma, let alone start a college education. But now I’m a straight-A student who’s made the vice president’s (fall quarter) and president’s (winter quarter) honor list. I can confidently say that the reason this is possible is because of two things: my diagnosis of ADHD (and the tools that brings) and my support group.

I dropped out of highschool at the age of 17 with no hope to ever finish because of mental health issues and my undiagnosed ADHD and bipolar. I was sure that I would be stuck in dead-end retail forever. I even tried to get back into highschool two separate times, but I couldn’t juggle school and my full-time job without triggering a hypomanic episode and then immediately dipping down into depression.

I am now part of my school’s top 5% GPA President’s honors list. And I am constantly feeling as if I shouldn’t belong on it. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m actually smart, and that the reason why I failed before wasn’t because I was dumb and stupid, but because I wasn’t given the proper tools and support. My education and importance wasn’t cared for by my parents in a way that actually mattered for someone with ADHD. I wasn’t even aware I had it, because my mom just didn’t talk about it. (She’s tried to gaslight me by saying she did. I actually learnt from here, on Tumblr, that I might have it, and then I got a psychiatrist who diagnosed me officially. I shouldn’t have realized my neurodivergence from memes on Tumblr. I should have been told by my mom, who, as I said, KNEW the whole time, but did nothing about it, even when I struggled through highschool and had to drop out).

It's okay to take time away from school. It’s okay to drop out when you need to. You are not a lost cause if you ever find yourself having to take time away from education because of your mental health. It does NOT define you. But please be aware — those who drop out likely have no support network. They don’t have people to help and provide encouragement. They don’t have loved ones who care enough to support you as you seek out something like a professional diagnosis, or a program that would help you create a useful structure that will boost you up and not drag you down. They don’t have the love and hope that they desperately need. And this is not their fault. That is not something they, an adolescent, should have to struggle through and feel helpless about. They should be engaged with and cared for and they should KNOW that they are cared for not just by the means of words from others, but by ACTION.

I slipped through the cracks, just as my father did before me. I lived without the support I needed and I failed. But that wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the reason that the people around me failed to provide for my most basic of needs.

And I might have to keep reminding myself of this. I likely will have to. But I won’t do so alone. I have support now, in my found family. I have it in my teachers, who actually care. I have it in my meds, my psychiatrist, my psychologist, my therapist. I have it in my healthy coping strategies, my learnt self encouragement, my specific way of working with my ADHD and bipolar, not against it. All of this is possible because I have people around me who give a shit. Who remind me of my worth as a human being, inherently and without a needed ‘reason’ to be important in their, and my, life.

So if you’re struggling... if you can, please take some sort of first step to building that new network. I had to abandon my old one because it wasn’t working. Even though it was my own parents, I had to let them go as my source for support, because they just weren’t giving me any. I found people who care. I found people who support me. I found my home, my family.

And yeah, it might be a bit unorthodox. But I don’t care. Who gives a shit. The people before weren’t helping me, and that wasn’t my fault. Do I feel wronged? Of course I do. They were supposed to be my parents, and they were supposed to be ready and willing to help their kid succeed not only academically but also health-wise, mentally or physically. But I have to acknowledge this, and then keep walking. I can walk backwards for awhile, both middle fingers up to the world, but some day I’m going to feel okay enough to turn back around and keep walking forwards. And that day will be so fucking good for me.

The first step is to realize and process this reality. That you are not bad or wrong for having needs as a kid. Your support network neglected you and your needs. And you can be angry about it. You don’t even have to “move on” in the way most people think “moving on” means — which is usually framed as “forgiveness” for the neglectors’ behavior. Fuck that.

But someday, you’re not going to give them as much thought. They’re not going to be as important to you as they once were. And you’re going to have others there to care about you and love you. And you’re going to feel powerful, because you are. You’re going to feel capable, because you are.

You can do it. I believe in you.

Just as I’m learning to believe in myself.

#college tag #adhd #bipolar #bipolar ii #worm talks #school #tw mentions of child neglect #tw mentions of gaslighting

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tosin-talks · 1 year

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Tosin Talks about residual symptoms of BPD

I haven’t really directly talked about symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder on my blog because I haven’t felt ready to discuss the real horrors of the disorder; I wasn’t even sure where to start and how to talk about my story. Additionally, I just haven’t been as affected by my symptoms as I used to be. For years, I have been working hard to recover from the diagnosis that I received in 2018 and undiagnosed symptoms that I experienced before then. Recovery is possible and I believe I’ve survived some of the worst parts of the disorder but BPD is a mental illness that greatly impacts one’s thought processes and perception of the world so I still experience the long-term effects of it.

I haven’t had a typical “BPD episode” in about 3-4 months. I don’t think I’ve self-harmed in about 6-7 months and I don't have constant urges to do so either. My reactions and responses are a lot less intense these days which probably means that my mental health has improved. Now that the life-threatening and extremely destructive symptoms aren’t a main issue, I am working on my issues with emotional impermanence, interpersonal relationships, splitting, and chronic emptiness.

I still struggle with the well known BPD concept of a “favorite person”, especially since a long-term relationship recently ended. I try to be cognizant of when I may unconsciously make someone else my new favorite person but it can be difficult to notice since my symptoms aren’t that intense anymore. Now that I process and evaluate my feelings towards someone, it’s not as easy to realize if I just really like and admire them or I’m idealizing them. The downside to when I realize that I might have idealized someone that I’m close to is the devaluation and emptiness that follows. The shift isn’t as grandiose as it used to be and rather than switching from black to white, I move between dark grey and light grey. I’ve been working really hard on not letting others’ thoughts, opinions, and worldviews become my own or heavily impact the way I perceive myself. I used to shapeshift to become whoever I assumed my favorite person wanted me to be. Now, I’m discovering my true self and learning to love her and choose her every time.

I definitely still experience mood swings but the highs and lows aren’t very high or low and they mostly occur on or around my period. Something that’s frustrating to still experience is emotional impermanence. I wish I had a better hold on an emotion and did a better job of remembering that a certain emotion will return. Another symptom that I still occasionally experience is chronic emptiness. I feel what Charles Baudelaire called “ennui”. I feel extremely detached and like I’m watching myself live this silly game of mundanity. I feel disconnected from the city I live in and some of the people I interact with and have little hope of this issue improving. I haven’t yet discovered what triggers my feelings of numbness and emptiness, it’s almost like I’m splitting on life itself. However, I’ve been combatting the emptiness by creating and stimulating my mind. I’ve been reading, learning new things, and writing a lot more.

Sometimes I get disappointed in myself for still experiencing minor symptoms. I understand that BPD can be a lifelong journey even if/when I no longer meet diagnosing criteria but I am fearful that I may never have a healthy, happy, long-term partnership or have my emotions completely in check or feel at home anywhere that I move to. I’m learning to give myself the same grace that I would give a future client or my younger self. I’ve come so far, my progress is definitely observable and I can acknowledge my effort and the results of that hard work. I’m not expected to completely rid myself of over a decade of mental health challenges in just a day. If I’m being honest, I didn’t expect myself to even live this long so I’m simply proud to be alive and sharing my story with you all.

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or emotional distress, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or text “HELLO” to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. For more education, advocacy, and support about BPD, visit the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (neabpd.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org).

Background music by Mist3r

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lez-exclude-men · 10 months

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I have a question, if you don’t mind answering. I consider myself a radical feminist. I don’t shave, don’t wear makeup and don’t date men.

Granted, a lot of this is pretty much a no brainer for me because of my autism (shaving hurts, makeup irritates, don’t go out much anyway but feel much more comfortable around women). But radicals feminism has helped me accept me, as me. Before I would do those things to fit in, and it was excruciating. Now I’m free. I’m happy and I’m healthy (excluding the diagnosed depression and undiagnosed health problems) but you know what I mean.

But…am I actually a radical feminist or am I just labelling myself. I agree with everything about radfeminism but I feel like like an imposter. I like wearing feminine clothes such as skirts and dresses because I like the vintage style and jeans/short/leggings/tops etcetera are a sensory nightmare for me.

Hm, this is tricky to answer. I think ultimately, it matters more whether your beliefs and actions are in alignment, rather than if you fit the definition of the label radfem.

If your beliefs align with radical feminism, but most of your actions are not feminist actions, and you're not striving to promote women's liberation in any tangible way, then you are not participating in radical feminist activism.

In any case when your beliefs in actions are not in alignment, you should strive to figure out why. Regardless of identity labels or politics, aligning your beliefs and actions will help you feel more balanced, centered, and purposeful as a person.

With the identity label "radfem", it's useful to see that people use it in different ways. Some people use it to describe only a set of beliefs. Some use it to describe a set of goals, behaviors/actions, and/or motivations. When I label myself a radfem, I do it in the latter sense, because personally I see it as a label of function rather than as a label of static "being" or "self". I know some people who use it more in the latter sense will apply it to themselves at some periods of their life and not others, depending on how much they are able/willing to participate in activism or work towards radical feminist goals. I think using the label solely to describe a set of beliefs is... not wrong, per se, it certainly has its uses, but I don't find it *as* useful as using the term radfem as a label of function. But that is my personal take.

When someone neither agrees with the beliefs of radical feminism nor takes radical feminist actions in their life for the purpose of furthering women's liberation, I do not think it makes any sense to call them a radfem.

I hope that makes sense and helps!

#lezpost #radfem #ask #answered #anon #feminism

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soulhum · 1 year

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The Girl That Never Got to Be Wednesday

I'm sobbing, 12:43am...I need sleep. Lord knows my chronically ill body needs the rest but I'm restless and scrolling through social media only to see the last pebble, needed to crack my damn of grief, drop into place. A beautiful boy, elegantly dressed in an all black gown, relaxing his face, gazing with unblinking eyes as he pays respects to Jenna Ortega's remarkably choreographed dance as Wednesday Addams. Tears had enough of my stubbornness...inattentiveness to them, so they rolled and dragged along clarity.

For the last 48 hours, at least, I've been watching the internet aflame with videos of people dancing as Wednesday, a character that is so heavily autistic-coded even my high masking, late-diagnosed, self could feel it immediately. In these videos, so many interpretations, with each one thousands of people responding with celebration of the beauty within all the Wednesday-ness. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware there's many factors at play for this show, and that scene of her dancing, being celebrated this loudly. It's shot pristinely. The cinematography of that scene, the lighting, the editing being just enough to keep our eyes on her and feel like we're in the room. It's coming to me now how even that was guided by an autistic hand, Tim Burton's, framing this gem with a resonating eye. Then at centerstage - is Wednesday in all her blatant autistic being...mesmerizing us. The beauty of her oddity, palpable. Now the internet is on fire, millions inspired by her. Thousands swaying as she did, gazing as she had, calling it wonderful and that breaks my heart... It was never safe for me to be like Wednesday, but at my core, in my most unmasked state, I am so viscerally like her. There are some differences. My cocktail of neurodivergence is precisely that, a blend. I also have ADHD. My visual fixations lean more towards prints and color. Black is more of an accent color to me or an occasional statement piece (a lá little black dress). My special interests don't include death, torture, or any of their friends. I could go on, in very overly detailed autistic fashion, but as an ADHD'er I will spare you. My point is, there's a substantial portion of her ways of being that I am like, but had to hide for survival. Depending which -isms were at play, who I am got various names: Cold/Coldhearted. Robot. Manly. Man-eater. Rude. Stuck-up. Know it all. Difficult. Selfish. Did I mention cold? That was a big one.

My Blackness. My Woman or Girl-ness. My ever-hyper-sexualized Latina-ness. My introverted-ness. My undiagnosed and therefore unaccommodated yet still very neurodivergent-ness. My child of an immigrant-ness. My surviving violence at home-ness. Fragments of my story all bobbed and weaved together into an easily found target on my back. There was no more room for difference from me. I was already too far removed from our society's most protected center-- white,rich,male. Behaving as my fullest self, autistic-ADHD flare and all, meant one more step out of line. I did just that for quite some time, but I learned to stop young enough that I now live with the health consequences of longterm high-masking. None of my other qualities were editable. The presentation of my neurodivergence was. So my inner "Wednesday" took one for the team. There's flickers of my core still. There's pieces of me I never hushed or fully hid, but I wish she-- I was all here....Wish I didn’t have to dig myself back up. I wonder how I would have evolved, how much physically healthier I'd be, how much lighter I'd feel, had this world been safe enough for me to be my own complex, mesmerizing, oddity as this fictional world shapes up to be for our beloved Wednesday Addams. I wish more people were kind and accepting, let alone celebratory, of autistic people off-screen who don't dance to pleasantry demands, who look intently, who care deeply but express it in varying ways. I wish endlessly... as I hold in my body the ramifications of vicious social realities, and watch the world cheer on a girl who embodies the most rejected parts of myself.

#WednesdayAddams #Autism #Autizzy #Wednesday #AuDHD #lateDx #lateDiagnosis #unmasking #grief #mentalhealth #healing #amwriting #insomnia

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sillybillycanadian · 1 year

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TW: depression, sui ideation, the big sad, etc etc

I hate schoolwork. It’s petty, it’s silly, it’s beneath me, but I am so fed up with it. I am 20 years old and I haven’t graduated high school. There are so many good messages on here about not needing to meet any artificial timetable. That we can do things in our own time. But holy crap guys I’ve been stagnating for so long. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with this part of high school for three years now.

I started homeschooling halfway through Grade 10. I have self-guided courses that I can do on my own time which still earn me credits to go towards my high school diploma. When I started, I was working at a pace that (if maintained) would have let me graduate a year early. I was masking ADHD, anxiety, and depression so all of that slowly leaked out. I was procrastinating, oversleeping some days then under-sleeping others. I developed an unhealthy habit of eating when I felt bored and like I needed a distraction. Some life things happened like my mom getting cancer (she’s alive and well, but her neutral state of “healthy” will never be the same) and my dad kicking out the three of us (mom, brother, and me) for a while because my dad and brother had a fight.

Those nights were the closest I got to killing myself. We had nothing but the clothes on our backs and some cash we were able to use for a hotel. He did this to his immunocompromised wife during the height of the pandemic. He didn’t care. Even when we were let back in the house (because we threatened to involve the police) he didn’t speak to us for days. I was hardly eating. A family friend talked to all of us over Zoom and referred to my dad’s doings as a “hiccup”. I want to be a forgiving person. I like to think that everyone deserves a second chance. But I can’t say honestly that I’ve forgiven my father. I don’t think I’ve even forgiven the family friend for calling it a “hiccup”. He probably didn’t even know the whole situation, but it stung so bad. And I hugged my father that day. As if it was fine. As if he doesn’t still scare me and I lose the air in my lungs when he stands behind me.

Ever since then my life has been derailed. In the summer of 2020 I started treatment for depression and anxiety. The summer I should have graduated. Some time in 2021 I was diagnosed with ADHD twice because the first person to do it never kept proper records and then left the hospital she was working at. So it was as if my diagnosis never happened. So 6 months after the first time, the second diagnosis finally happened. I’m on medication for it now. I thought it was helping, but I’ve been so useless again for months now and with no changes in meds to explain it. I also might have undiagnosed autism, which really stings because I was neglected when I was younger and the excuse was that my brother needed the attention since he’s autistic. Anyway. I don’t have the energy to shower regularly. I hate needing to make food for myself. I literally have two courses left then I’m done high school for good. 5 basic-ass assignments then it’s over. But instead I watch YouTube and try to make stupid music on my laptop to get a tiny hit of dopamine. I search “help” and sort by latest on Tumblr to see if there is anyone I can comfort or cheer up. Is it actually altruism? Or am I just so starved for attention and validation and companionship that I try to please anyone I can? Do I try to help others because I may as well since I’m the only person I can’t come through for?

With all of this, I have friends who are pressuring me to move out very very quickly. They know how much living at home is making me hurt and ache so I know they’re coming from a good place. But I can hardly take care of my own health and hygiene, how they hell do they expect I can take care of a home and hold a job?

That’s why I don’t just hate schoolwork. I definitely do, but that’s not all of it. I hate schoolwork because it’s a testament to just how stuck I am in life. In this one place. Writing a few sentences to an essay each day if I’m lucky. I hate it. I just hate it so much.

One of those friends. We like each other. So so much. We want a future together. Her and I. But she is one of the ones trying to rush me. I know we both want me to be in a good place before starting a relationship. But she also doesn’t want to be in limbo forever while I work out my issues. So it’s like an ultimatum. At this rate I need to move out in the next month or two or I’m gonna lose her for good, it seems. That’s as far as one of our mutual friends of the group knows. So now I have another point of pressure to get my act together before things crash and burn even more. But it had the opposite effect because I feel lost and stuck and like I can’t do anything.

This is just to vent. Cause idk what else to do than rant and maybe just maybe I’ll stop being a piece of trash. God. I hate myself so much rn. I’m such a stupid worthless prick. Dammit.

#just ranting #personal rant #tw depressing thoughts #tw sui ideation #haha now I’m the one screaming out for help cause I feel lost and like nothing is worth anything now ahaha

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borderlinescorpio · 1 year

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First Post - Main Goals 🤎

A couple of things about me; I’m 25, from Scotland and obviously have BPD. To say that I was shocked would’ve been an understatement, but the lack of self awareness I had at that time in my life, only 2.5 years ago.. wow a lot has changed since then. I understand myself a lot better now, the tricky part is trying to overcome it in times of weakness.. which seems to happen often.

I have a lotttt of stories under my belt that I feel I 1. Need to get off my chest before I explode and 2. Other people could seriously learn from, I’m also willing to give any advice I trust my knowledge in, on the basis that I am a psychology student. 🤎

This blog is mainly for the venting and education of myself due to the fact I have only just been diagnosed since Oct 2020. I'm still navigating my way through and don't know anyone else who has BPD.. I thought who better to share a community with, than those who understand? I will always trigger warn before posts as I can be an extreme over-sharer when venting. It would be lovely to meet friends along the way and most importantly, I'd like to help anyone I can who's struggling to come to terms or cope with their own diagnoses. I am currently studying psychology and have a lot of personal experience in mental illness due to having undiagnosed BPD & cPTSD that began presenting itself at around 12 years of age.. So any support I am able to provide, I absolutely will. I also have an uncle who suffers with schizophrenia, meaning I’m very understanding about ALL mental illnesses, this is a safe space for everyone 🤎 Throughout the last 12 or so years of navigating mostly undiagnosed (until 2020) severe mental illnesses, I have also acquired a lot of problems with addiction along the way and would love to share that too.. there will also be appropriate trigger warnings and there will be absolutely 0 glorification of substances of any kind🤎

🤎 Venting - I will most definitely be ranting and venting on here, as I’m going to try and use it as an outlet, so feel free to vent with me in the comments section if you can ever relate! I don’t get offended by any of that ‘trauma dumping’ stuff, if you have something on your mind let it out.

🤎 Advice/discussion posts - I may post asking for fellow pwBPD’s opinions and advice, ofc you don’t have to engage but the more the merrier🥰

🤎 Some posts will have mature /triggering content, I will ALWAYS give trigger warnings so that people know what they’re about to indulge in. Due to the natures of the events in my life that have led me to this point, some controversial subjects unfortunately cannot be ignored

I just want this to be a little safe haven, where I can come to blow off some steam in a healthy way, and positively make some impactful friendships 🤗

#trauma #ptsd #eupd #living with borderline #living with ptsd #mental health #mental illness #mentally fucked #actually bpd #actually borderline #actually ptsd #addiction

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jojolovenotes · 1 year

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To reply to your last post, I agree shshsjsh

My most “questionable” F/O choice in the eyes of many is Joshu and I frequently got teased by an old friend group for it

Not to mention most of JoJo Tiktok has Joshu stans in their DNI, which I get because I don’t excuse his actions but I’m allowed to love hims

Everyone acquires their F/Os for reasons personal and unique to them, and most of the time or at least in my case it’s to help cope and feel a sense of comfort. For example, I head canon Joshu as autistic and BPD, both of which are conditions I’m not diagnosed with but highly suspect I have. If anything Joshu is probably undiagnosed too shshsj. I see a bit of myself in him, and it genuinely hurts me to have people, even people I considered friends, call him ugly and pathetic, because he shares a lot in common with me at my core (I’m just better at masking my neurodivergency and my flaws).

I’ve done a lot of bad, pathetic things in my life, and for the longest time I thought there was no point in redeeming myself because I didn’t think I was worth it. I took the love and support my family and peers gave me for granted, and what’s ironic is I didn’t even think I deserved it.

I created Kafumi with the intention of giving Joshu someone who genuinely believed in him. And in turn, he helps Kafumi become a better version of her true self. See, Kafumi’s Stand Babooshka gives her the ability to transform into others via sealed letters. For a while, Kafumi’s goal was to get Yasuho to sign one of these letters so that she could transform into her in hopes that Joshu would finally be able to give and receive love. When Joshu finds out about this, he initially becomes angry. He doesn’t even know why he’s angry, because an opportunity to be with Yasuho *should* be what he wants, right?

He realizes he’s in love with Kafumi, and he wants her to be herself. Trying to be anyone else for love is stupid in his opinion. He rips up the letter and confesses these new and confusing feelings to Kafumi. He realizes that she’s one of very few people in his life that’s never given up on him.

I see myself in both Kafumi and Joshu, to be honest. I want something like what they have, and I realize now that I can be that for myself. And hey, guess what? I’m actually talking to someone irl, and I think it has the potential to become something really healthy and wholesome. If Joshu and Kafumi can find each other, then I can find someone, and I just might’ve! I’m taking this new potential love interest slowly and challenging myself to communicate better in hopes that something blossoms from this little spark I found :3

Uwaaaa this went way off topic to what my reply was supposed to be, but I guess I had the big ol gushies in my heart and had to let it free lolol. Thank you as always for providing a safe space for people to gush, it means the world to me and without a doubt many others! Hope this new year treats us all well, and here’s to memories and moments we’ll make with our F/Os along the way!

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you got teased for that. That’s exactly the thing though - when people see you like a certain character it’s like they’re quick to judge you for that without even getting to know you. I don’t get it. I think it’s perfectly OK to like a fictional character ESPECIALLY when you state you don’t condone their actions but to just automatically say ‘oh hey you like this character? don’t talk to me’ i just? i dont get it. Sure, I respect if some people are uncomfortable by a certain character, but even then it’s like ok well at least get to know the person before just blocking them. Like, you can just... not mention that character to that person or something.

But yeah, that’s good! Joshu is very happy to have Kafumi! Aw, that’s really lovely that you’re talking to someone IRL... I hope everything works out for you! but no worries haha... but yeah thank you! Hope the new year treats you well too!

#received transmission ✨#gushing✨#ships: Joshu #zetavendetta

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thekintsugi-adult · 2 years

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Changing your pfp again I see 👀

(ok the reason I say that is because I 8/10 times identity the poster by their pfp, and earlier I was thrown because I didn't recognize the picture so I had to look at the name of your blog to see who was on my dash with this unrecognized pfp. Then I get on just now and I see another pfp I didn't recognize so I had to repeat what I did earlier. ESSENTIALLY what I'm saying is I noticed your new profile pic bc I'm actually like wired very oddly mentally and it threw my undiagnosed autism, a loop)

P.S I don't care if you change your picture, I'm just stupid and I look at the picture of each post just so know who's posting what.

P.S#2 I don't mean to offend by saying undiagnosed autism, I'm not trying to make a joke of autism, but my mom and I have believed for years that I am autistic (like actually and not just "I have 3 symptoms uwu #autismrealness :3 like it's a quirk or sumn.) I've been officially diagnosed with a few things over the last two years getting mental health help and if it wasn't so darn expensive and a long process I would be tested for autism. I PROMISE THIS WASN'T A WAY FOR ME TO MENTION ALL THAT AND MAKE IT ABOUT MYSELF, LIKE IT JUST HAPPENED, ITS--

P.S#3 The reason I had explain myself over everything I said is simply because I'm a walking bag of anxiety and I feel that I have to explain everything I say and do, due to trauma and ADD. And now I'm mentioning that I have trauma on an ask about your changing pfp. Awesome.

P.S#4 I'm unbothered by the change I'm just simply saying I noticed.

Ok bye ✌️

yeah my bad for that lol, i see any funky photo and want to tie my identity to it /j and i’m not offended by the autism joke, i’m also self diagnosed due to lack of access to diagnostic materials. and it’s perfectly okay to over explain, i get that lol

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fasterthanmydemons · 3 months

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[ Speedster of the Galaxy ]

Pietro’s sudden shyness was a surprise to Rocket. This was why he didn’t compliment people. Immediately they started thinking Rocket was soft or whatever bullshit they wanted to believe about him. But if he thought Pietro had done a good job, he didn’t see a reason why he shouldn’t tell him. Eh, whatever. Rocket did his best to shrug it off and patted Groot’s back.

“Groot – what do I always tell ya? Breakfast first, video games later. Come on.”

“Fine,” Groot grumbled as Rocket guided him into the kitchen, but he turned and waved at Pietro, smiling. “Good morning, running old guy!”

As Rocket started explaining that not everyone with white hair was old and Groot pointed out how that didn’t make any sense, Mantis giggled, amused by their gentle bantering. If she was being honest, Pietro’s reaction surprised her a little, too. The way he blushed was endearing, though unexpected. But she understood him. Mantis wasn’t used to receiving compliments, and her awkward reaction to them discouraged people from complimenting her more often. It went against everything she had been told about herself for most of her life. Mantis pushed those thoughts aside, wanting to focus on reassuring Pietro.

“I mean it. You did a good job! Your help is appreciated.” As Pietro wondered if she had ever impressed Rocket, Mantis just shrugged. “I suppose. When I first joined the Guardians, I was invested in proving myself to them. I would overexert myself even when the Guardians told me not to do so. It took me a while to realize that they cared about me… regardless of how useful I was,” she said with a fond smile. When Pietro said his stomach was eating itself and explained what that meant, it actually made her laugh. “Oh, that is such a humorous expression! You should eat something, then. By the way, did you sleep well? Did my powers help you get rid of the nightmares? Oh, and how is Mr. Dibbles?” Mantis smiled at the thought of the tiny, sweet creature. She was glad Pietro had found a cute friend.

(Aww Pietro just wants to belong T^T Since you said I can weigh in, yeah, regardless of which ship it is, I write Mantis as very emotionally independent, inevitably it’s a result of her upbringing. At times I’ve wondered if this was OOC, but her choices in Vol. 3 actually proved me right. Pietro himself doesn’t make her self-conscious, her logic is: “if being a good sibling is the most important thing to him and I couldn’t save my siblings from our father, then I am a terrible sister, so if Pietro learns this, he’ll hate me”. Because she doesn’t see herself as a victim of Ego. She was forced to normalize very fucked up things, so it’s easier for her to accept loneliness than love. The idea of romance frightens her because she’s scared of losing that independence. And yesss hurt/comfort is excellent, also found family. That’s why I like the GotG. Shipping is not required to make me sob over how much characters love each other. And omg yes! Mantis could reassure Pietro that Wanda is okay via their bond and Wanda herself can also feel that as we saw in AoU, I love that.)

___________

{ He doessss... Listen, Pietro is a pretty confident guy, but he does have some self-esteem and “I’m not enough” issues that stem from his childhood as well as his undiagnosed ADHD. Which... actually might have been diagnosed by now because he was evaluated for the Avengers, but I digress. So when he gets genuine approval from people he really wants that approval from, it kindof strips away all the bravado and silliness and he has a genuine moment, heh. It’s sweet but also a little sad that he has to look for validation in others.

It’s interesting that Mantis comes away from Pietro thinking that being a good sibling is the most important thing to him because... it’s one of the most important things, certainly... to him. That’s just it. He doesn’t hold other people to the standards that he holds himself. If he wrongs his sister even slightly, even just a perceived wrong, or even just not doing enough for her... then in his mind he’s done something really horrible and should be ashamed of himself. But if someone else did the exact same thing? He’d tell them oh it’s okay, you tried your best, or you didn’t meant it, don’t beat yourself up over it. So in no way was he implying that he’d hate anyone who wasn’t a perfect sibling, it’s just that that’s his own personal standard for himself. But it’s so interesting how they miss each other by a mile with that. I love when psychology and misunderstandings complicate character relationships, it’s fascinating.

Yessss found family is a good one too. That’s huge with a lot of my muses. SO many, heh. People who had terrible parents who never validated them being adopted/accepted by others, bands of misfits coming together and bonding themselves into a family through their experiences... great stuff. *chef’s kiss* And yes, exactly, there are so many things that make me scream about characters other than romantic shipping!

I just had a thought... Wanda probably felt Pietro feeling really good about himself just now when Rocket and Mantis praised him. She’s probably smiling to herself, even though she misses him, because she hasn’t felt that sort of feeling from him in a long time and she’s genuinely glad. }

Pietro grinned as Groot got yelled at by Rocket - kindof, anyway - for diving right into video games before he’d had any breakfast. His own stomach was growling, so he envied those who didn’t have to think about food all the time. When Groot greeted him, he waved back. “Good morning, adorable tree person,” he returned. He really didn’t mind that Groot called him old. Rather than take it as an insult or some indication that Pietro was somehow feeble, he instead just assumed that Groot was the kind to either be very visual with his associations, or to just stick with the first thing that struck him about a person. He wondered what Groot called some of the Guardians when he first met them.

He was still grinning, half-listening to Rocket and Groot’s continuing banter regarding his “old” status with the tiny tree creature, when Mantis repeated her praised. Pietro nodded humbly, his grin returning back to his shy soft smile from earlier. Hopefully it wouldn’t be the last time he did something right and proved to them that he wasn’t just a fast-moving pretty face. There was a brain in there too. “Yeah...” he said then, immediately identifying with how Mantis felt when she first joined the Guardians. He wasn’t so sure he’d be accepted the way she was, however. “I guess I am kindof doing the same thing,” he admitted. “But... I do need to show how useful I am. Otherwise why let me on the team, right?” At least, in his mind, that’s how things worked around here. There was limited space on the ship, and there was no point in growing the team to huge numbers full of people who didn’t bring anything to the table... right?

His grin returned as Mantis laughed. Something about it really made him happy. Maybe it was because she’d been so nice to him, so considerate and understanding, and so he was glad to give her any small happiness in return. Even if it was with a phrase about his stomach eating itself. Hey, whatever works. He was about to head off to breakfast when she asked about how he’d slept the night before. “Yes! Yes, I did! If I had any dreams, I don’t remember what they were. I definitely didn’t have any bad ones. And I feel pretty well rested today, so you very much helped me. Thank you, really. “ It truly was an amazing ability she had.

“Mr. Dibbles is doing well so far. I should try to make him a home in my room soon, though. A place to sit to dry off, a place to get wet... and I have to get food for him. Is a lot of responsibility, but hey, he deserves it for being so cute, yeah?” Pietro said, smirking at the thought of the adorable and animated little turtle. “He is very smart too. Sometimes I swear he is paying attention when I speak. He turns his little head like he is listening,” he said with a chuckle. It seemed like Mantis really enjoyed small creatures, especially if they were cute. “Hey, um... if you ever want to see him, feel free to drop by my room, even if I am not there. I really don’t mind. You can take him out and play with him anytime. I trust you with him.” Better that the turtle have more friends and wasn’t lonely, rather than being shut away in his room all day long. That was important to Pietro.

#pietro rp #{ speedster of the galaxy }

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