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zero-ek · 5 days

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A couple other live concerts and a couple other thoughts on them

Yo!

So this is coming after another post concerning other concerts, i had to break it off cause i reached the image limit on that one lol, plus i felt like it'd be more thematically concise to separate these guys into their own post. So yeah, anyway, here's part one.

Also also because these don't allow screenshots i did my best to describe every highlight, but because of that this became a huge block of text, just a heads up.

3. Natsume Itsuki – Parallel Shot

(See the KV here cause i don't want Hanagata to be mad at me)

Dang, it’s been a month already....

So, good news, I’m not as moody as I’ve been the previous days, so thankfully i did get to enjoy myself watching this concert a lot more, however...

You see, this was, as per usual, a two performance concert (which by the way if you know it I’d really like to know why that is a thing), and usually with these both performances are mostly the same, with some minor changes to the setlist and whatnot. Now while they did stream both parts this time (usually only the nighttime one is available), I’m kinda on a budget, so, thinking i wouldn’t be missing out on much, i got the nighttime one, since it’s the one i normally go for.

Tamu, however, decided that this time there’d be a storyline playing through both performances, and pretty much built the entire experience around it, the song choices, the breaks and everything. So while it was by all means an awesome performance, i was left really itching because i didn’t get the full picture.

I did watch her post-concert talk and the daytime performance watchalong, so i do sort of have an idea of what went on, but dang it I’m feeling so sad that i didn’t actually get to see it, especially since in hindsight, i really want to know how the songs she sang in the daytime part sound like live. But hey, the chance’s already been missed, not much i can do about it now.

Oh, before we get into the actual live, i gotta mention this:

Look. at. This!

I’ve known about this outfit since her first live 8 months ago or so, but she hadn’t posted any pics of it until now so i totally forgot about it. I still can’t believe not only that she actually had this made, but that it looks as good as it does.

First song was “Struggle of Egos”, the theme for this concert, and like, i cannot begin to explain how absolutely m a s s i v e this song sounds live, like it’s incredible. Tamu’s singing is also a lot “shoutier” live, which only makes the performance even rawer (hey hey actually if you wanna check it out for yourself she does show the first couple songs on her watchalong stream so you can go see that I’m not lying)

Also, it might just be the camera framing but the venue looks huge! Like i actually got a little jumpscared by how big it looked, especially with that massive screen behind her (looking it up, it says it’s 618 inches, or 15 meters in diameter!). Also i really love the camera angles, there is a crew operating them manually, so there’s a lot of dynamic shots and very precise closeups.

She then sang her solo version of “Tsuisou no Ragnarok”, which is her collab song with Nakucha under Gree Entertainment. I mention this because firstly on looking up what Gree is exactly i learned that they also work with Assault Lily, which now has me convinced that everything I’ve ever been interested in is run by the same like 10 people or something how the heck do i keep running into the same things like this? But more importantly i gotta mention that I’m really happy that Hifumi seems to be making a hard push for these two lately, i get the impression that they saw how banging they’ve been with La Prière this past two years and realized it’s worth getting them out there. Also, as an Eufolie enjoyer I’m just happy in general that these two are doing stuff together again (even if it isn’t jazz).

She performed “Happy Enforcer” and “Spider Girl” with the dancers from the last concert, and she mentioned afterwards that she messed up pretty hard her dance parts, but honestly those girls were going extremely hard, i gotta commend her for managing to keep up and sing at the same time.

So, for the story, or what i understood of it: it seems that 3D Tamu is actually a separate entity than utaite Tamu, and while they should normally coexist as like perfect mirrors of one another, something went wrong and 3D Tamu started to be loaded up into utaite Tamu’s body instead. 3D Tamu then asks if she could take the opportunity to borrow her body so she can see the real world, which real Tamu accepts, but something seems off.

The now 3D-Tamu-in-real-Tamu’s-body then sang some covers, the highlight for me being “Unravel”. I’ve heard this song like a million times by now, but I’ve never heard it sung in the context of a live concert, and Tamu’s main vocal character being the raw energy her voice has gave me some of the most intense chills I’ve felt in a little while.

The two Tamus talk a little more, and turns out some time loop shenanigans are going on, 3D Tamu is purposefully trying to hijack real Tamu’s body and wants to keep this concert on repeat endlessly. So, from what i could piece together, the daytime performance was the first loop, in which she successfully took over and reset everything.

The robot cat thingie, which i actually don’t know the name of someone help (Future Zero note: apparently he’s called "War Criminal Cat" lmao) managed to remember everything though, and asked the audience to help break the loop and stop 3D Tamu. They do, and that sends the concert, which apparently was exactly the same as the daytime performance so far, off course. It seems that 3D Tamu is on Banana mentality, so real Tamu talks about how the uniqueness of each performance is what makes live concerts exciting to try to talk her out of it.

And like, starting from here until pretty much the end of the concert, she sings a battery of some of her most intense songs, which, looking at the setlist, seems to mirror the more pop-y vibes from the daytime setlist, which i imagine were 3D Tamu’s picks. Particular highlight to “Fragment of Qualia”, i adore that song and was so hyped to hear it live, hearing it with the huge venue acoustics and the crowd cheering was already amazing through the stream, i can’t even imagine how crazy it must’ve been to actually be there.

Also, i gotta mention, the entire concert has been pretty much high gear only so far, like, there’s been calmer songs, but overall it’s been high intensity all the way.

Finally, 3D Tamu is about to be expunged from real Tamu’s head, so as a final request, she asks real Tamu to shoot her with her gun, claiming she wants to at least go out with a bang. Real Tamu shoots... and misses, saying that you shouldn’t want to go out with a bang, but with beauty.

The two of them sing “Ai to CodeQ...” together, before 3D Tamu disappears for good. I’m like 99% that the entire story of this concert was written around and as a build up to this song, like, I’d say it’s even more of a theme to this concert than “Struggle of Egos” is. I will admit that it’s not as much of a favourite for me, but it’s that thing where, when you listen to a song in a different context, it helps you see it in a different way, it’s been growing on me, particularly because existentialism is my bread and butter and the lyrics for this song touch on that quite a bit.

Anyways, this is where the concert ends formally, so for the encore, she sings “My Entertainer”, which 3D Tamu sang on her daytime setlist (this mirrors that the daytime encore was Anamnesis, which was in real Tamu’s nighttime setlist). The dancers come back for this one, and Tamu is still keeping up like my gosh what does this girl eat???

By the way, speaking of the setlist and, I’m particularly sad to have missed the last three songs of the daytime setlist. She sang an alternate version of “Junjou Sacrifice”, which she did release and i honestly love it more than the original, i feel like the instrumentation encapsulates the vibe of the lyrics much better. Then “Miniascape”, which is one of my favourites of hers just out of the sheer atmosphere it evokes, and she ended with “Son Macabre”, which i honestly didn’t like at first, but it seriously grew on me a whole lot, she mentioned it on the watchalong, but it really gives off that “bad end” vibe really well, from the perspective of the villain, particularly, and i reeeeeeeally wanted to hear that in the context of this concert’s story.

Now that the story is over, Tamu can finally break character and do an MC. Yep, the only MC is in the encore. She goes at it for like i think 15 minutes or so, mainly showcasing merch and talking about how this whole live came to be, and like, she’s talking at like a hundred miles an hour, mind you she’s doing this for the second time on the day, and this one is even more hyped up than the daytime one, and there’s not a sliver of tiredness at all in her voice, like if i speak uninterrupted for just 10 minutes my throat feels sore for the rest of the day girl what are you?

The biggest announcement is that she’s going on tour!!! And with a live band!!! Like, the momentum that she and the other LaPri girls have been on is insane, they’ve done so much these past two years that whenever something new is announced, i get kinda fearful that like, it’s gonna be their peak and things will start to slow down, just because y’know, they’re pretty much as close to indie as you can get (nayuta in particular actually being one), but no, they just keep shooting higher and higher, and that really warms my heart.

Also, with how intense Tamu’s songs in particular are, my excitement is through the roof to hear how a live band brings them to life.

Actually, now that i think about it, it might’ve been for the best that i picked the nighttime performance, I’m writing this a couple days after my first watch, so i had a little time to marinate my thoughts on it, and most importantly the immediate post-event-hype wore off, so I’m more inclined to think “dang it, i really wanted to see that”. And like yeah, i am a lil pouty that i didn’t get to watch everything, but all in all i feel like i really needed the uninterrupted burst of energy that this live was.

I like to make playlists of concerts after i watch them, not only cuz it helps me remember but often because i like to think about the intention that went into arranging the songs in that particular order. I’ve noticed that I’ve been listening to Tamu’s quite a bit ever since, and i feel that i gained another level of appreciation for her stuff now, particularly because i was in the position that i was when i watched her concert, which is fun, but also cruel to think about how these sorts of pieces move. (Future Zero note: guys help me i don’t know what the frick i meant by this???)

I don't know how to end this, uhh... i guess the lesson here is beware of time warping, body-snatching, cute singing anime girls. Yeah.

4. Aitsuki Nakuru – Qulalim Stella

After all these years, i finally know how to write クラリムステラin romaji! It’s still nonsense but it sounds cool

Oh and by the way this is the best concert I’ve ever watched. Ever.

I’ll get into detail about it in a bit but I’m finishing writing this up over a week after i first watched it, and i still cannot get this concert out of my head (which for me is saying something), like it was just so good in all the best little ways a concert can be, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Before we get into the songs, i wanna talk about the visuals. First and foremost, the venue was massive, like, look at this!

I looked it up, and the capacity is for roughly 1.7 thousand people, and it was absolutely packed! And also, the stage was fully decorated, which i could be wrong but i don’t think I’ve seen that before in utaite concerts (usually it’s just the empty stage, or just the screen behind them), which really helped bring the performances to life, considering how large the stage was.

But what i freaked out the most about was this:

They actually made her the Nardack/Indigrotto/jellyfish outfit!!!

She had announced what the stage outfit would be like (this one, from the 2nd keyvis and designed by her friend Youichi), and with how complex Nardack’s design is, i wasn’t expecting at all that she’d actually have it made too. The pics really don’t do it justice, it looked amazing on stage, the skirt is a lot puffier than it looks, and the translucent parts looked especially great with the stage lights shining through them.

The first three songs were very fitting for a 1st concert, in a “this is who i am vibe”, she started with “Azura Lano”, which she later called her “self introduction song”, then “Cosmodiver”, one of her latest songs, which she actually explained that it was made especially for this concert (and written by Tamu, no less!). And “Kotonoha”, a very old song for the older fans, which I’ve never heard before because I’m an overseas fan and Nacollection 1 isn't real for us.

A couple of things to note, first of all, my compliments to the PA team, the whole concert was mixed to perfection, with the venue being as large as it was, the acoustics were really intense, but not too overbearing on the ears. Also, and I’ve noticed this on her 3D stuff, but it’s amazing how Nakucha’s voice has so much projection while still remaining as airy and breath as she usually is. She’s a human flute if I’ve ever seen one.

Also also, for this being her first ever solo concert, she’s an absolute natural at it, like, she said she’s just winging it, but she’s extremely charismatic and lively, her interactions and banter with the audience during the MCs had me smiling all the way. Of course, this isn’t her first concert per se, she’s had the past two years or so with LaPri and stuff, but i do think there’s a difference between having the other two to bounce off of and doing it on her own, and she pulled it off incredibly well.

Anyways, she sang her version of “Tsuisou no Ragnarok” (which in my humble opinion is the best one), and i haven’t been able to shake the thought that they’re gearing up for a NakuTamu two-man live, they’ve got another single coming up soon, and it really seems like Hifumi and Gree are pushing hard to make this pair a thing.

Now, for the first highlight of the night, “Oxydlate”.

Holy crap.

This was pretty much what everyone was talking about, reading up on tweets and live reports, and justifiably so, because oh my god what a performance. The song has some of the highest falsettos she can do, which was already impressive enough, but i think what really made this so incredible was actually getting to see her expressiveness during it, like, being able to see through her body language, the inflections and tiny imperfections on her voice denoting how demanding this song is, and how much work she is putting to pull it off so perfectly.

That, combined with just how enthralling the song itself is, is what i think made this so memorable, it gets you as into a performance as i think is humanly possible, like, i distinctively remember being in like a sort of a trance that i had to shake myself out of by the time the song ended, I didn’t mention this before, but i was home alone the day i watched this live, so i got to set up my computer to my actually pretty nice TV, and i really feel like that increased my experience of it like tenfold.

Oh, and i can’t not mention That One Part™ where she falls to her knees, which pretty much everyone was like “holy sh*t what a moment”, she actually mentioned on her post concert stream that she was only half-acting on that part, she really needed to get her bearings in that moment and figured she should do it with style. I personally feel like that part really cemented this as one of my favourite live performances of all time, like it’s that good.

Then it was Endorfin time! sky_delta came as a guest, playing the keyboard, i really liked how the stage really lit up during this part, with the strobe lights going crazy in the back, and the crowd really got to cheer hard during this part too, Endorfin’s songs usually being more upbeat, and that played off of the hype from “Oxydlate” perfectly in my opinion. A special highlight to “Suisei no Parasol” because sky_delta got to play a sick solo in it.

I wish sky_delta had stayed longer, not only because live instruments are better as we all know, but honestly he himself was a joy to watch. He’s a little more awkward on stage than Nakucha, but they bounce off each other really well, and he really seemed super happy to be there. She mentioned how he approached her 10 years ago, when she wasn’t doing singing as much, and was like like “hey let’s do this thing”, and now she got him to perform their songs in front of almost two thousand people, that really warmed my heart.

Entering the second half of the concert, a prerecorded performance of 3D Nakucha sings “Indigrotto” while real Nakucha goes to change outfits, it looked sort of like this (there's a timestamp here i hope it works):

She comes back wearing the dark outfit from the 2nd keyvis and sings “Evil Bubble” joined by two dancers, and i must say that I’ve not been a harder display of bad b*tchery as this. She spends most of the performance sat on this ornate sofa, doing a badass pose, while the two other girls dance wildly around her, and only at the end she gets escorted out of it, hand in hand with the dancers, mirroring the puppet imagery from the song. I gotta give props to the camera work here for really going crazy with the shakes and angles while still managing to capture everything, it made the recording really come alive

She then really goes off and joins in on the choreography in “Lilith”, and like, she absolutely s l a y e d, she kept up with the dancers amazingly, and the choreo itself was incredibly captivating (this is my polite way to say that she had me swooning lol it’s a sexy song and I’m gay what do you expect?).

The next three songs were pretty much each one a highlight, being all fan favourites, but i feel like the last one in particular even more so. She started with “Gyakusaka”, with the dancers doing this amazing performance with traditional umbrellas. Then “Killer Neuron”, which is already hype enough of a song just from the sheer energy of it, but was even more intense to watch, with the dancers going all out, and the incredible camerawork being the cherry on top.

She then went into an MC and i gotta say that i love how she’ll sing like the hardest, filthiest, most stank-face inducing songs known to man, and then be all like “hey guuyyyss ☺️☺️☺️ that was Killer Neuron!!!! ☺️☺️☺️☺️ how was it? Was it fun???? ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️”.

Halfway through the MC, the lights go out, and when they come back up, Nakucha starts speaking in this overbearingly cutesy and bubbly way, and i adore that i immediately knew what was going on. Like, she could’ve just gone straight into the song, even more so since everyone knew she was going to sing it in this concert (it was chosen by the fans through a survey), but it’s super cool that she took the time to make up a whole routine to build up to it, even though I’m pretty sure she was cringing on the inside.

Anyways, yeah, the next song is “Fake Idol”, the Aitsuki Nakuru song of the 2020s (so far). And y’know, as hype as this song was with the whole buildup and everything, by this point the rhythm of the second half has already settled in, so there isn’t much i can say about this performance that i haven’t about the others already. But as it turns out, she has a trick up her sleeve, because following this one, she sings two of her “actual idol-ish” songs, which i thought was genius.

Like, if these two songs were anywhere else on the setlist, it would’ve been fine, cutesy upbeat songs are fun to cheer to, but i wouldn’t think much of it. But because she started the set with “Fake Idol”, you get that lingering feeling that something isn’t right. The two songs, “Continue!” and “Watashi ga Watashi ni Itatta...” are perfectly innocent, cute songs, and she just sang them normally, but she manages to spin them around as songs that put you off simply by their placement.

Which is another reason why i believe why this is my favourite concert ever: the setlist was absolutely perfect, every song choice was perfect, their positioning on the setlist was perfect, and the flow from one section to the other was completely immaculate.

The last song was “Kore Kurai de”, another one i actually hadn’t heard before either. As it turns out, it’s a song she sang for a really old eroge, and actually i wanna take the chance to ask what is it with eroges having some of the hardest ending songs ever? Like, i do appreciate the effort and that they take themselves so seriously, but like, the amount of times I’ve heard a banger only to look it up and see that it came from an eroge is insane (looking at you, I’ve sound, Mosaic.wav). Kudos to japanese devs for that.

She explains that the reason she chose this song in particular was because not only she imagined that it’d be nostalgic for a lot of people, but because the lyrics summarized perfectly what she had to say and how she wanted to end this live with. Halfway through the song, though, she started to cry, and i don’t mean like her voice was shaking or she teared up a bit or anything like that. No, i mean she cried hard, like to the point that she couldn’t even finish the verses anymore. She managed to power through but as soon as the song ended she just mumbled a “thank you” and literally ran away from the stage.

It hit me really hard that, like, the girl who was lighting the whole stage on fire only 5 minutes ago and pulled off every song on the setlist flawlessly was the same one crying so hard that she could barely get the words out. Mainly because she isn’t the most open about herself, not that she doesn’t share (i mean look at her sub-twitter), but she’s sort of like the type of person that you can only infer so much about what they’re like from what they show you, so you can’t say that you really “know them” for certain.

(Also overall, she just isn’t around all that much)

So because of that, i really didn’t know how to feel about what had happened, it was simultaneously extremely endearing, given that the song is about not being able to properly express one’s gratitude for how cherished they are. But at the same time, i felt guilty somewhat, it takes a lot of fortitude to be vulnerable in front of someone, let alone over a thousand people, and i got the impression that she wasn’t particularly ready to be put in that position. I sincerely hope that I’m wrong and that she did felt at least comfortable enough to be seen like that, i imagine everyone knows how much it sucks to crumble somewhere you don’t feel safe doing so.

She came back for the encore, and the first thing she said was “this is so cringe”, which... yeah, i can imagine, if it was me i would’ve just went home then and there and not do an encore at all, professionalism be damned. Again, I hope it’s not something that’ll haunt her in her sleep or anything. It was usual encore business, she showed off her merch, did her announcements, she called the dancers and sky_delta to the stage to say a couple words, which was particularly nice. But most importantly to me i think was the little talk she had at the end.

In her words, she’s always been nothing more than an “empty void”, someone who never had any big dreams or passions in her life, being overall a complete pessimist. But that changed once “Aitsuki Nakuru” came to be, because that was a part of her that people began to look up to. Since then, she dreamed that she could keep on being “Aitsuki Nakuru”, to be able to live up to who that is.

She said that if “Aitsuki Nakuru” were to fade away, she’s afraid that she might end up back on her old ways, “a monster of pessimism”, as she put it. So, as long as the veil of “Aitsuki Nakuru” exists, she wants everyone to keep watching over her through it, and keep her dream alive. And in return, she’ll keep on singing through it, to push everyone towards their own dreams. While she doesn’t want to be put in a pedestal or anything, all she asks is that everyone keeps the memory of “Aitsuki Nakuru”, even if just a small piece of it, on the back of their heads, until the day we die.

I mentioned that this was my favourite concert I’ve ever watched, and like initially i thought it was just the euphoria of blasting it on a big screen, which i never got to do before, but even after that wore down i was still thinking about it a whole lot, particularly these last 20 or so minutes of it. Plus, I watched some insanely incredible stuff, like, a core memory of mine, and the very reason I’m so into watching live concerts, was Kalafina’s very last concert on the Nippon Budoukan, that was an experience i cannot even begin to describe, and that I’m forever thankful that i never forgot about.

But what made this one so special to me, even in the face of much more objectively amazing stuff I’ve watched prior, is that it felt very human, “normal”, in a sense. I know that my gushing so far may not convey that very well, but for whatever reason, throughout the duration of this concert, i never once felt like i was looking “up” at her, that the girl on stage was someone above me, that i couldn’t see eye to eye with. This is something that I’ve been working to unlearn about people i admire ever since i left my teens, but that i don’t think I had faced it to this degree yet.

This could be just me assuming things, but from what little i know about her, Nakuru seems to be the type who doesn’t think too highly of herself, not in a self-deprecating way (although she goes that way sometimes), but as in like “i’m just a person doing person things like everyone else”. A thing to note, and that she mentioned a couple of times, is that she didn’t particularly want to do a live concert at all. She doesn’t like singing in front of people, and even though she does do live events every so often, she gets a little unhappy about it because she feels that she isn’t cut out for it.

In contrast to that, this concert was put together to an unbelievable degree of perfection, as i made sure to let you know. You could see in every detail of it, the stage, the decorations, the outfits, the choreographies, the sound quality, the cinematography, the venue itself, that an insurmountable amount of effort went into producing this concert and making it happen as smoothly as it did. And people showed up for it, i know i keep on hammering this point but like holy ship the venue was massive, keeping in mind this is the very first live concert of a doujin artist, i cannot stress enough how absolutely incredible that is.

Of course, i have to be real here, Hifumi is a very capable agency, and Nakuru is one of the more well known utaites out there, so it’s not like this is a total Cinderella type thing or anything. But even still it felt very personal, like, the high production value in this didn’t feel like some celebrity’s grand endeavor, it felt like an everyday person, the type you’d see on the train or your coworker, being granted the opportunity to show the world that they can do something special.

And y’know, i think, and i at least hope, that this was a revelation to her as well, that she’s capable of a lot more than she gives herself credit for, and that there’s much more to reap from what she sowed for the past 10 years or so. “Aitsuki Nakuru” isn’t some ethereal existence that she needs to keep clinging onto to be able to have some sense of worth, “Aitsuki Nakuru” is something she made with her own hands, the result of work and dedication. It may not be who she is, but is what she achieved, and i sincerely hope she is as proud of that as everyone else around her is.

“Kore Kurai de” was a song about gratitude, being shown happiness that one doesn’t know they could have, but not being able to express themselves about it. With the context of what she spoke about herself and what “Aitsuki Nakuru” means to her, i want to think that her tears came from realizing that it’s her that we’re looking at. She is Aitsuki Nakuru, the happiness and gratitude she wanted so much to convey through that song was the result of what she worked to achieve. Not some external concept bound to a song or illustration or 3D model, her, the actual person in this world that made it happen.

In short, this is my favourite concert of all time, not just because it was some million dollar production that was completely and utterly impressive every step of the way (which it was, mind you), but because it was the work of a very flawed individual, not unlike all of us, that shows that we’re not any less capable of achieving incredible things because of it, even if we might not personally believe it so.

Anyways i didn’t even mention the encore track, it was the title track of the concert, “Qulalim Stella”, which by the way i actually took the time to translate, if you scroll down on the music video you’ll see me down there lol. I particularly like the second chorus, in the context of this concert:

“The yesterdays that i put behind me, and the hazy tomorrows yet to come

I hope that i can eventually embrace them both.

Because you showed me a side of myself i never knew of, I can now shine so brightly. And so

I shake away my doubts, so the path i walk may continue.”

Like I’ve said before, the song choices and placement for the setlist was absolutely immaculate, following up on the themes of “Kore Kurai de”, but with much more conviction and firm grasp and understanding of oneself. I’m not sure if that’s something she actually thought about, but i hope that, as the song suggests, she can hold her head up high moving forward and be more proud of herself.

(Future Zero note: her current Twitter banner is a shot of the live concert visuals from Fake Idol, kinda ominous but i hope this means she sees live concerts more favourably now lol)

Oh, yeah, and the announcement! To no one’s surprise, really, she’s gonna do another live, and looking at the venue holy shoot the place is even more massive than the first! I don’t think i need to say how excited i am for this one!

Nakucha world Domination!!!

6. La Prière – Splash the Tone

(Go follow Narumi-sensei he actually has a tumblr!)

It’s summer!!!

Well, not here, and especially not in Japan, but it might as well be, I’m pretty sure it rained like at least once a week for the entire last year, but lately it’s been scolding hot every single day, I’m pretty sure my skin is sublimating, and i even got a pretty bad nosebleed the other day.

This concert really was like an Avengers moment, since not only it follows only a little while after Tamu and Nakucha’s solo lives, but also, as the very last stop of their tour, it’s the last project backed by the crowdfunding from two years ago (which i still can’t wrap my head around how insane that was). And it absolutely shows here, not only this is their biggest venue yet, but it was also incredibly produced. Like, from the stage outfits, to the adorable set decor, to some of the most professional and dynamic camerawork I’ve ever seen, it’s actually hard to believe that this wasn’t a company-backed concert, i cannot stress enough how well put together this live was.

The first three songs were probably the most in line with the summer theme, “Seishun Summer Dive”, which I’m actually a bit sad that they couldn’t find a way to sing the harmony parts live, but on the other hand, really highlighted just how perfect the live mixing was on this. The drums pop out so much that you’d actually think there was a live drummer in the venue. And yet, their voices were crystal clear, which particularly impressed me since not only were they wearing masks, but this song has the harmony parts and pretty dense horns as well, which could’ve very easily drowned out everything else.

Next was “Susume Lovely Idol...”, probably their silliest song, i really liked how not only they came up with a little choreography for it, but also fully acted out the little dialogue parts. While this isn’t a song that i usually go out of my way to listen to, it was very cute to watch it performed on stage.

They did a little intro MC (shout out to the couple people who were actually from overseas, i soooo envy you) and then went into the title track, “Splash the Tone”, and like, this actually got a little surprised because of it, especially since the previous two songs were so high energy, but i was absolutely captivated by how soft nayuta sounded in this one, like, not only the texture of her voice, but even her pronunciation of each word was unbelievably clear, my heart actually skipped a beat every time she had a solo verse.

(not biased at all guys promise)

Then “Instant Love”, which actually had a pretty involved choreo that they absolutely slayed. Something i really love about this song is that it’s a perfect example of how their combined vocals are greater than the sum of their parts. Like, you have the verses sung solo, then the pre-chorus has one vocal line front and centre, but with the other two harmonizing the backing vocals (which i particularly like how since they each have a turn, it showcases the different combinations of their voices and how they harmonize together) and finally the chorus, which puts it all together with their unison parts.

Next, they sang “Evo”, which i actually didn’t expect to become one of my favourites, it’s one of those that never leaves your head after your second or third listen (damn you Chinozo and your catchy hooks), it was a particularly “ooh!” moment for me when it came up because they sang a different summer themed version of it, with a different MV in the back and everything, although sadly it’s not going to see the light of day.

Oh yeah, as if this live couldn’t get any better, they even brought guests! Nakurage (CV: Natsume Itsuki) and Poyuta (CV: Natsume Itsuki), who were both incredibly honoured to be there and absolutely came out of their own volition and not at all because they were coerced into it by a certain lady in blue or anything.

Something i really like about these smaller concerts is that, at least from what I’ve seen, the MCs are much more laid back and freeform, particularly with this one where there’s three people on stage, there isn’t much of a worry about keeping the audience “in the moment” and they can just goof around a lot more. Tamu and Nakucha in particular are such a dynamic duo, their back and forth is always so amusing i love it.

Ending the “upbeat” part of the live, they sang “Tenshin Ranman...” and “RisingSun” because they’re required by law to sing these two together. They and the audience had these little wooden fans during these two tracks, and the visual of the crowd waving them around was really compelling for me, i don’t know why, like, it made the venue feel very “alive” in a way.

Also, for the first highlight of the night, “RisingSun” holy shoot, it’s already my favorite of the two, but the live performance was jawdropping. The song has a lot of long tones, and nayuta absolutely knocked it out of the park on her parts, her voice was soo bewitching like i can’t put into words how well she was singing here. Like i mentioned before i don’t know if it’s just me but her voice just feels even more clearer and softer than ever in this live, i couldn’t get enough of it.

Also also, i didn’t mention, but in this first “idol-y” part, pretty much every song had a little choreo for them, a couple were very simple, and a couple were genuinely impressive. Like i mentioned, the one in “Instant Love”, but also the one for “Tenshin Ranman...” were probably my favourites.

There was an intermission while they went to change outfits, and the song that they played was... something, i could barely follow along because it was so trippy, like think “Susume Lovely Idol...” but double the BPM and add some very weird beat drops and breakdowns and a bunch of nonsense lyrics. It’s not something they released i think but i couldn’t not mention it because it was so weird.

The second half of the concert (which was more like 2/3 of it) is where in my opinion it really pops off. First and foremost look at their outfits:

Not only were they absolutely rocking these on the stage, but they sang 5 absolute bangers back to back, “richromatic prayer”, their latest song, really reminds me of their earlier, super intense material, like, it’d be a perfect fit for “Galaxy Triangle” had it come out back then. Next, “Eikyuu no Gemini”, which i can’t really explain why but it has that particular sort of epic feel that gets you pumped up in a “i want to flamboyantly swordfight to this” sort of way. And “Koi no Illusionista”, which is one of my favourite songs of theirs ever, not only because it’s extremely catchy, but also it has a super crazy and addicting rhythm section, which was absolutely incredible to hear through a live mix. (also I’m pretty sure their outfits were based on the ones from the MV), they also had a choreo for this one, so even more extra points.

They kept going with “Sweet Dreams”, which looking back, was probably the only low energy moment from the entire setlist, i mean “Instant Love” wasn’t super high energy, but it had the most complex choreo so far to make up for it. Also i wanna praise the camerawork again, since the girls were sitting down for this one, they went crazy with the effects and angles to still make it visually engaging. And finally closing up the set, “Muhou Chiten”, another personal favourite, it’s a very quintessential Jpop song, but done so well that it just never leaves your head.

Now for another big highlight, the start of the next set was “Necrogamy”, which is like, an outstanding piece of music, like easily top 5 best LaPri songs, objectively speaking. I could just spend the rest of this report talking about all the things i like about this song, like, to me, it’s a distillation of everything that makes each of them, and LaPri as a whole, great, the lyrics are very engaging (massive props to Tamu, she wrote them!), and the melodies and instrumentation are so beautiful and captivating.

And of course, their vocals are so mesmerizing all the way, there’s solo parts showcasing their softer singing, then the first chorus in unison, displaying their synchronicity, but then, as the song shifts from major to minor they shift into harmonizing, which is probably my single favourite thing about this group: they each have such distinct voices, each very clear but in very different ways, yet they combine so perfectly when they harmonize, nayuta’s is focused yet clear, Nakucha’s is breathy and ethereal, and Tamu’s is strong and piercing.

Then there’s the c part, which suddenly brings the energy of the song up, and just condenses everything i just talked about, there’s unison parts, which devolves into disjointed solo verses, continuously building up in intensity until they all come in sync again to resolve the section. Finally, the song ends with a repeat of the a section, but it ends with them harmonizing a minor chord instead, reinforcing the overall theme of the song.

Yeah really like this song...

The next one was “GHOST”, which while significantly less intense than the last one, it makes up for it by having very expressive verses, the rhythm is a very tight groove and the verses are more spoken and rap-y, but the way they put a lot of emotion in their voices make it flow very naturally, while still being musically engaging. (Also i particularly love the drums in this one and again, the in house engineers killed it with the live mix). Then, “Sore wa Sekai...”, their first song ever as La Prière, and to this day one of their best ones, being incredibly well composed and masterfully making use of their vocals both individually and together. It was particularly interesting to hear it live, since it made for a good show of how much their singing has matured since then, Tamu in particular, since she sounds a lot more aggressive when she sings live, i feel like her parts were really the highlight of this track, particularly in the last chorus, where there was this little back and forth between Tamu alone and Nakucha and nayuta in unison, she cut straight though their softer vocals with how potent her voice is.

The final set of the concert though was just cruel.

“Habataku Kimi e” is another personal favourite, maybe not top 5 but extremely close, much like “Necrogamy” it’s all about how their vocals mesh together in all sorts of different ways, but while “Necrogamy” reels you in first before hitting you hard, this one is just a big explosion all the way through, like it’s all of the things i talked about before but condensed into a short but powerful burst of music, even more so on a live mix, where everything sounds so massive, and you can pick apart their voices even more clearly, like i got goosebumps so strong it actually hurt a little lol.

“Triptych Symphony” then follows in the vein of “Sore wa Sekai...”, in that it’s very much about each of them individually, showing off their own strengths and ultimately how they come together to make something even more beautiful as a trio than it’d be possible on their own, not only in the arrangement (which i can’t not appreciate that it was by nayuta, the talent on this girl), how it’s mostly solo parts, but certain parts will be highlighted by one or two of them doing backing vocals to support the lead for the part, and only converging in a unison part at the very end. But also in the lyrics, which actually i wanna come back to in a minute.

Then, finally, for maximum emotional damage, the final song of the concert was “Three Piece!”, which like... i didn’t think that i was gonna cry watching this live, but like, how do you not? That wasn’t fair at all. I wanna say that it was i think 10pm at the time but i actually sang along to this one, and yeah my sisters got mad at me for it but y’know what i had tears in my eyes and the biggest dumbest smile in my face and i regret absolutely nothing.

Thankfully they didn’t cut straight to the encore because the whiplash would’ve killed me, the first song was “Animatte Utopia”, which i had been wondering why it wasn’t together with “Evo”, since they both have the same energy. Again, since they didn’t cut straight to it like it usually is the case with these lives, and they even played a little intro for it, i had a little time to get my mood in order.

Anyways, i feel like I’ve been very cordial and respectful throughout this report, but i genuinely don’t think there’s any other way to express this.

nayuta.

Was too.

F***ing

CUTEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

So they had changed into casual clothes, as per the usual with encore sections, but for this song they each had put on a set of animal ears and tail, corresponding to the MV. Not only that, but this one also had a super cute choreo too, and it’s probably just because I’m biased since she’s my favorite but like i feel like out of the three of them nayuta was the absolute cutest, just completely and utterly the most adorable little thingie I’ve ever seen, like i wanted to squeeze her till my arms give out, especially considering she’s the shorter one of of the three of them, so she just looked even more cute jumping around and doing the animal poses next to the other two. Like i swear to god i wanted to scream into my pillow because of how cute she was...

...ahem...

So, uh, yeah. Also, the choreo for this song was a really intense one, and the song itself is very fast paced, so it was actually really impressive that they pulled it off so flawlessly, especially considering they were using handheld mics, which are way too easy to lose volume if you pull them away even just a little bit. But then again i shouldn’t be too surprised since they were absolutely slaying from early on in this live.

While they were doing the usual encore stuff, showing off the merch and all, Tamu brought along a cake, and they sang Nakucha happy birthday (the live itself happened at the end of February, her birthday being March 1st.). Apparently it was the backstage crew’s suggestion, which I thought was very sweet of them, Nakucha mentioned that she doesn’t really like to celebrate her birthdays (same), but that she was genuinely glad that they went out of their way to do that for her, she stole a bite of of the cake and they took the ending pics with it, i hope that made it one to remember for her.

Now, for this encore’s Reflection Time™, which i actually wanna get into quite a bit. Nakucha asked the other two to “summarize what La Prière means to them in one sentence”. It’s a very interesting question to pose, seeing that this is not only the end of their Tour, but of the whole CF campaign and the two years of projects and content that it spawned, it’s the end of an era, pretty much. Not to mention that Nakucha was the one to bring it up, considering that this is only a few weeks after her own solo live and what went on back then.

Tamu said that for her, it was a “turning point in her life”, mentioning how back then, it was a big push for her to quit the day job she had at the time, in order to make more time for LaPri’s projects. Of course, she had her solo career at the time, but that it was LaPri that pushed her to make that life-changing decision, and that she probably wouldn’t be here as we know her if it weren’t for it.

Coming off of that, nayuta said that it’s something that “added colour to her life”, how it allowed her to do things that she wouldn’t be able to by herself, this concert and tour being one of them. And that because she has the two of them with her, supporting her and stepping in where she falls short, she was able to broaden her horizons and achieve much more than she thought she could on her own.

(Also she mentions how the whole idea for a live CF project came from a long conversation about life that they had on the Tokyo Sky Tree at sunset, and like that’s the most idol anime thing ever are you kidding me???)

Finally, Nakucha says that for her, LaPri is “courage”, that back when she was doing her solo live, she had been so painfully nervous about doing it on her own, but now that she has the two of them with her this time around, she feels much more at ease. She talks about how she only got the courage to do a solo live because of having already done the LaPri concerts prior, because of the two of them pulling her out of her comfort zone and showing her what standing on stage has to offer, and that at the end of the day, she can do it on her own.

The overall sentiment here was very much that “i’ve made it somewhere i never thought i would”, which i think in the face of this concert in particular, is pretty much the single most suitable way to describe LaPri and the past two years. While y’know, in Nakucha’s solo live, the sentiment i got out of it was “someone not yet realizing how far they’ve come and how much farther they can go”, with this it was much more in the vein of them seizing an opportunity and taking it as far as they possibly can.

Nayuta mentioned how much of a wonder it was that the three of them, as doujin artists, were able to make it all the way to Tokyo Zepp (twice, even!), which thinking about it, yeah, that’s actually pretty crazy to think about. Sure, i think everyone who’s into japanese music knows one or two cinderella stories like that, but at the very least in the independent utaite sphere (as far as i know, Hifumi doesn’t have anything to do with LaPri in particular, though i wouldn’t be surprised), it’s not at all the most common thing to see projects of this scope.

I mean, yeah, they are sort of a supergroup, i think each of them has over 10 years of work under their belts, and are pretty much some of the most high profile people in the doujin music scene. But then again, it’s not the biggest scene out there to begin with, and even for some of the most accomplished veterans, a live concert is an incredibly arduous task to pull off on their own, part of the reason why you’ll most often only see them live in festivals or as part of larger projects.

And yet here they are, with a two part concert and a 3 part tour in only two years, finishing it off on Tokyo Zepp, and with such a widespread reach that not only were they able to stream it overseas, but they even got a sizeable handful of attendees from outside of Japan to come watch them in person. Putting it into perspective, it’s an absolutely bonkers thing to think about.

I mentioned the last three songs being such a hard hit, and i wanna elaborate on that a little more. “Habataku Kimi e” is a song about closure, it evokes the idea that things end and we gotta move on from it, but that there is much more to be seen beyond what we have now. That’s something that could be said about the live, the tour, the CF campaign or La Prière as a whole, especially if we take into account that it’s the theme song and very last track of their latest album.

They’ve just entered their 5th year as a group, and yeah, they’ve come so far, and achieved so much, but that’s gotta end at some point, and LaPri themselves are going to end at some point. And in that sense, and in the context of what they talked about afterwards, i feel like it’s as much of a song for themselves as it is a song for the listener, in the vein of “this won’t last forever, but that’s okay, we were able to be part of something special, and we can now look to the future precisely because we had it”.

“To you, spreading your wings, now i say

That this goodbye only hurts this much, because we’re now so full of light.

To you, spreading your wings, never stop moving forward

towards a new tomorrow, because even after we part

The paths we walk will continue on, forever”

The timing for this couldn’t have been more impeccable to me in particular...

If “Habataku Kimi e” is about “why” you should remember, then I’d say “Triptych Symphony” is much more about the “what” to remember them by, like i said, it’s very much about each of them and what makes their union special, i mean, a Triptych is a work of art in which three pieces (wink wink) make up a whole, which is reflected on the song’s overall theme of many voices, melodies, sounds, and destinies joining together to deliver a message, be it of “lament”, of “finality”, of “love”, and finally, in the last portion of the song, simply of “music”.

And y’know, while this song is about the merging of their voices, it’s very interesting that most of it is song in solo parts, with only a couple of spots where all three of them sing together, like in the first pre-chorus, “this lone melody i found among the darkness shall change my fate”, or the whole second verse, which is pretty much the complete opposite of the much more negative first one. The same goes for the verses each of them sing and how they might relate to each of them in a deeper level (Nakucha’s in particular), i hadn’t thought much of it before, but after listening to what they talked about in this concert, these choices seem much more purposeful than they appear.

And of course, “Three Piece!”, which to me felt very obviously like a celebration of everything that’s happened these past two years. It was the theme song for their first concert, the very start of the whole saga that this performance was closing up, which even now looking back at it, the fact that this entire project was even able to happen in the first place is just straight up unbelievable. I think that this one hit me as hard as it did because it marked the end of something that was lucky enough to be there every step of the way, it was something that I’m insanely happy to have been able to be a part of and to see through to its end.

I’m also extremely proud of the girls themselves, of course, for pushing forwards and upwards as far as they possibly could with this, and for how much they were able to accomplish because of it, as LaPri and individually, considering how much more each of them have been doing on their own in the past two years since the first LaPri live. At the very last drop of the song, the venue exploded with confetti and the crowd cheered super hard, and i don’t know why, but to me that moment in particular just absolutely filled me with joy, i don’t think that I’ve been as happy to have found out about them, to have donated to the CF, to have followed them throughout every step of this whole saga as I’ve been in that single moment. I just can’t put into words how immensely satisfying of an ending that was, like, they could’ve said that that was their last ever live performance and i would’ve been okay with it because it was such a high note to end things on.

Oh, yeah, and i haven’t even mentioned the second encore song yet.

“Chronologue”, the La Prière song, putting a bow on everything proper. I’ll admit that i wasn’t as emotional by the time it came around, since the first encore was so cute, and they talked for long enough after for me to pull myself together. This is a very special song in that the lyrics are by all three of them, and also I’m just now realizing that i made an oopsie because what this song is about is pretty much what I’ve discussed at length in the paragraphs above, so i kinda don’t have much else to say here...

The interesting thing about this song , though, highlighted here, is how it and “Three Piece!” sort of play off of each other in their similarities, Tamu even joked how hard of a punch it was to end the concert with one and the encore with the other. “Three Piece!”, which came later, is much more about looking ahead and wanting to do so much more moving forward, with verses like “There’s still much more to this story, and we’ll be together for it”. Meanwhile, “Chronologue”, which came before, is about looking back with pride on the path that one takes and being grateful for it, the titular verse of the song being “We’ve made it this far because you where here for us”. For this concert in particular, i feel like they were two different ways of expressing the same feeling, one in emotion, and one in the lyrics, which i think makes each of them a great ending in their own right.

And that’s that, the end of La Prière’s Splash the Tone tour, as well as the two year long crowdfunding campaign, it has been an absolutely insane ride and I’m so glad that i got to be a part of it. I hope that my painstakingly extensive rambling here encourages you to support your independent(-ish) utaites, i mean, who knows what other great projects are out there, waiting to be realized. Maybe it’ll be short lived, and maybe it won’t be the biggest most jaw-dropping thing in the world, but the fact that it was there, and that it happened, that alone makes it special, and speaking from experience, it is absolutely worth it to be there for something like that.

A little epilogue

It’s been almost a whole month and i still haven’t posted this freaking thing why am i like this.

I feel like i went through a whole character arc in those 3 months, in hindsight it’s pretty crazy how almost every one of these concerts had something in them that i needed to hear or think about, i honestly feel like i grew up a little lol.

All that aside, hopefully i can save up enough for this summer, since there’s gonna be a lot of stuff happening then too, though thankfully not as much as in these past few months (so far at least) so my bank account won’t cry as much. Sadly that means I’m gonna have to skip Albemuth’s live coming up this week, which sucks not only because I’ve been seriously into ADAM and their Christmas album, but i really wanted to see Aru off.

I’ll be paying attention to the live reports and Twitter so hopefully i can at least get a good grasp of how things went, but i just know I’m going to regret missing this opportunity, Albemuth really grew on me these past couple months and while i have accepted that there won’t be any more of them... there won’t be any more of them!!! And I’m gonna miss the very last of it!!! Can you see how that’s eating me alive!?

Also also, it’s M3 month!! So while things finally calmed down on the live side, i have new music on the horizon to look forward to in the meantime! The past 2 M3s have really been something for the artists i follow so I’m super excited to see what they’ve been cooking this time.

Anyways, uh, yeah, music good, girls who sing even more good, live concerts? Pshh, even gooder.

Cheers to all two of you reading this, i hope this year gets kinder to you and me both.

#natsume itsuki #aitsuki nakuru #hifumi inc #la prière #utaite

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aeterna-auroral-avenger · 3 months

Note

Hello, hello, it's certainly been a while! I'm sorry about that. I know I said I'd send random asks but I got caught up in some stuff.

I've got some bookish updates though! I just finished Salt to the Sea and wept by the end. It's weird because I was doing so good but the last 30 pages hit me like a bus! I just started crying all of a sudden. Let me tell ya, it's so hard to read when you're crying 😂 Plus, every time I cry (no matter the reason) I always take my glasses off because I don't want them to get wet, so that really doesn't help with reading lol.

It was a really good book though and I'm so glad I finally got around to it. It's a rough and emotional one though, since it's centered around war and one of the greatest shipwrecks, Wilhelm Gustloff. I'm not sure if you'd like it or not because it's historical fiction.

Now that I'm done my physical book, I'm going to rent the audiobook for the second book of the Lady Sherlock series, since my library has that available. I might take a couple days before reading that though, just to calm my emotions a bit, you know? It's been a while since I've wept like that while reading lol.

Enough on my end. How are you doing lately? I saw on your other blog you were busy for a while. I hope things have settled down and nothing stressful is happening. You have my well wishes.

-Book Anon

Book Anon, hi! It’s good to hear from you! I was actually just thinking about you so your timing is impeccable.

I am rather picky about historical fiction, but I must admit you certainly have me intrigued. I’ve saved a screenshot of the book name so I can look into it later. I’ve got so many on my TBR list anyway, so it will be some time before I will ever read it anyway. But I will definitely look into it.

Ohhhh you’re about to start book 2? That’s exciting! I hope you enjoy this one too!

Keep me posted if you’d like and thank you for the update! 💜

#tb responds #book anon #historical fiction #salt to the sea #wilhelm gustloff #lady sherlock #lady sherlock series

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rayinberkeley · 1 year

Text

You think I’M the monster?

So, hi everybody. Um, yeah..... I guess you all saw the massive explosion that I got stuck in, that leaves you thinking I'm a giant monster, wishing cancer on a poor, innocent lady who was swarmed by hate from a mob of evil people you think I'm a part of.

Alright, well... no. I’m not. And no, I don’t just go around wishing people die of cancer. You'll probably ignore this and go, "tl;dr lol" at me, but I'm gonna show you some shit anyway. Because there really is a lot more to this than you think. And I don’t mean about what really started that drama. In fact I still don’t even know what caused it. But you need to know, this is the entire exchange, and the reason why I was angry enough to say so.

And yes, you can be driven to that level of anger, and yes, by a poor lady you think did nothing wrong (but totally did).

First, because I just want to get this out of the way, here's a little about your girl Gamma. Some interesting pertinent tidbits in here... because since then, I've seen ALL this said about your girl:

Do I know anything about these incidents? No. I don't know her at all. So if you wanna defend the poor little thing against these accusations, take it up with the people who said it, not with me.

My entire point here is to show you want happened with ME. What drove me to saying what I said, and why I'm not sorry.

I was told it's always wrong to say what I said. Like nobody else has ever been driven to saying something ragey. And that there’s no justification just because I was "having a bad day." Actually my day was just fine. I'd just seen Book of Mormon on stage, enjoying my coffee and a football game, and while upset that five gay men were murdered in a nightclub the day before, I was doing just fine.

Again, I don't know her and didn't follow her. I only know for some reason Twitter saw fit to put her tweet, the one that started it all, on my feed, just like they do a billion rightwing motherfuckers I don't care about. You've seen me scream at Twitter about that multiple times.

And here it is. And this should be enough, because apparently many of you need to be informed of this fact: it is offensive as fuck.

This screenshot was taken as it appeared on my feed. A million of you told me, "Well he started it!" and that it isn't what I think it is. As you can see, whatever she was Quote Tweeting is not visible to me. If I want to look at WHY she said it, I'd have to tap on the quote-tweet and scroll up to what led to it, but I can't do that if I’m "unable to see this tweet because..."

What I see is a woman yelling at a gay man about not doing something for the wrongly imprisoned Japanese. I didn’t even know what Greg she was talking to. Just that she’s got a gay kid, and she’s not homophobic at all and fights for the gays, but...... on the day after five of us are murdered, she wants to know what this one gay person named Greg did for Japanese internment.

What. The. FUCK?

What I don't understand is, how do you even justify this? You all had a chance to tell me why it's justified and you instead chose to yell at me. I could get no answer from any of you other than rage and stupidity, and I damn sure didn’t get anything from her.

Are you not aware why it's offensive?

Would you listen to me if I told you?

Because I'm going to tell you.

Tit for tat, she says. On the day after five murders of gay men, somehow gays were supposed to, "tit for tat" do something about..... what? Something from a century ago? So random. So off the wall out there, and I'm hardly the only one to think so. Lots of people expressed how bizarre this was:

This has the smatterings of the incident recently with Sarah Silverman. You may remember, as it JUST HAPPENED RECENTLY (unlike Japanese Internment from FDR) that Silverman accused people of not saying anything about Kanye's antisemetic remarks, and she was demanding we do so. You all swarmed her, as did I, that she must not have been following good folks if she hadn't seen the outrage Ye received. Not just then but for quite some time now.

But for devil's advocacy, for no reason other than to demonstrate a point, let’s just say: what if nobody WAS saying anything about his antisemetic remarks? She'd have been right to say so. She's not, cuz we did, before you have a kneejerk reaction to that. My point isn't that. My point is that at least she’d have a point if she were right.

What Gimble (or whatever her name is) said... was worse. Way worse than Silverman’s statement. No, not just because Japanese Internment wasn't nearly so recent. But because there's no way for her to be right even if no gays did anything about Japanese internment.

Why didn't we gay men just put on our thparkly little thuperhero tights and rethcue those poor Japanese a century ago? I want you to think about that for a second. Why didn’t we?

(And one of you decided to come at me and go, "Um excuse me, it wasn't a century ago. It happen in the 1940's which is less than I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, CHAD.)

But no, just why?

Well it might be because WE WERE IN FUCKING HIDING!!!!!!!!!! This little point didn't occur to a single one of you as to why what she said was INCREDIBLY FUCKING OFFENSIVE? Not a single one of you?

Gays were in terror, hiding in speakeasies, drinking watered down cocktails that the mafia sold us because those were the only places we could feel slightly safe. How do you all not know this? Our hangouts would be raided by police with batons, who'd then shove us into the back of police trucks, all while reporters would shove cameras in our faces to catch the fags. We had to try to hide our faces with handcuffed hands, because if our face was recognized our entire life was ruined. Because the people of America were shown such wonderful things about us, that we were praying on little boys, much like we're being attacked and labeled as "groomers" every single fucking day now. We are under attack RIGHT NOW, not just by murders like at Q or at Pulse, but by nonstop rightwing radio and media, and with legislation and groomer propaganda. Right now. Not (slightly less than) a century ago. Oh, even the raiding of gay bars wasn't just a thing of last century. Ask the Atlanta Eagle. Oh you can't. It was shut down.

You wouldn't hear George Takei blame gays for not rescuing him from that camp. Maybe you should have a talk with him about it.

Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck is wrong with all of you that you didn't see how offensive that was?

Oh, but you ALL screamed at me, that’s not what she MEANT! And "She's not homophobic, how dare you say that!" except I didn't. I don't reach for low-hanging fruit like that, and I don't need yet another motherfucker telling me she didn't mean that, because there it is, her saying exactly that, and her demanding some fucked up "tit for tat" from a gay man.

Yes, she did, motherfucker, it's right the fuck there and stop saying it isn't.

But you think she’s being “attacked” and “for no reason”? I don’t even know why I’m cropping the person’s name out who said this, because he damn sure didn’t give ME any courtesy:

You all instead kept yelling at me that I can't be offended by that. Every one of you would have said, at least at one point in your life, that you don't get to tell someone what can and cannot offend them, and yet you DON'T afford that to me. You do realize that, don't you?

No. Apparently I've no right to tell her that horrible thing I did, no excuse, no reason could possibly justify it. I’m not trying to justify it. I’m explaining why I said it. Because you all think I just right out told her to die of cancer ‘for not reason.” You DO know I didn't just say that, right?

No, in fact my reaction was simply this:

It could've ended there. She could’ve recognized that I was offended, if she’d had any sense that what she said might’ve been even remotely wrong, or at the very least come across wrong to others. If she’d been thinking about anybody else’s sensitivities. (I remind you in the tweets above she had no sensitivity to the man with PTSD wanting a trigger warning).

But instead of that, she had to go and do this:

I don’t get why I’m not allowed to see my own tweet, but it’s my tweet she’s quoting there. As she makes a joke out of this whole thing.

And that's where things really began. You see, you should all know how Twitter works. You can reply easily enough. She could apologize. She could explain she didn't mean what she said that way. Or..... you can quote tweet someone so as to say, "Hey everybody, look what this person said to me!" because you wanna fish for attention.

And that, I hope you realize, is exactly what she did. As you can see, she quote-tweets my comment, which was supposed to be, "Take your tit and go" except my phone keyboard decided to "autocorrect" it to tits by adding an s. Having already outraged me, instead she's all, Hey everyone, look what he said to me, How do I take them off? LOL... like this is a fucking joke to her.

Alright, well..... if she wants to talk about removable body parts..... I just suggested she do whatever she did to detach her brain before she said that offensive as fuck thing she did. And.....

Hey everybody, look what he said! Those are words! LOL... laughy emoji!

Does it look like she’s someone who cares a damn about other people? It sure as fuck doesn’t to me. I’m obviously gay, it’s obviously the day after the murders, and she’s obviously making all the fun about how outraged I am at her comment.

And I’m outraged at her “for no reason at all.”

This is the second time she pokes the bear that she’s already just offended. And now, I'm fucking livid. So, “Becky with the fucked hair” (and no, I’ve no fucking idea why her hair looks so fucked, and I don’t CARE!)

One more poke, and this one with an added attempt at acting like, “I’m on base!” cuz of some victimhood thing she pulls out of her ass. Now, she's already hidden behind her gay kid which is despicable enough.

I have a gay kid so I can't possibly be homophobic, BUT...

You all know what it's like when someone says, "I'm not racist, but..." and this was no different. And apparently she said this about Japanese internment because she claims some Japanese heritage, so she's using that as well. Now she's using chemo, like I’m supposed to fucking know that about her.

And I've had my last ounce of chill at this point. Cuz she’d do anything to protect gays, except you know, not joke about them after murders. NOW I drop my rage bomb. I don't JUST say horrible things to poor, poor women. I have to be driven very, VERY far before I'd lose my shit like that, and she took me all the way there:

And I blocked her.

Okay, NOW I'm having a bad day.

So no, I didn’t just tell her I hope she dies of cancer because I’m a big careless misogynist meanie and a monster. I was pushed there. And I am not some fucking child that needs your reprimand about what you don’t say to people. Especially people too stupid to see why I was offended.

Don’t fucking insult my intelligence.

By this point, I wouldn't give a shit if she tried to tell me she has a week to live. I'd have probably said Then speed it the fuck along, because as far as I'm concerned, this person, I don't even know, is yet another Twitter troll who'll throw up anything to excuse their shitty behavior. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You've seen them. First name bunchanumbers, jumps in, says something that pisses you off, and no matter what you come back with, they throw up something they make up, entirely out of their ass, to insist you “assumed” something about them, and finish off with an obligatory “lol” instead of punctuation. They always try to disarm you with random and irrelevant shit, and you know anybody can say anything on Twitter. And it’s already real clear to me, she’s not taking anything seriously.

So I don't even fucking CARE. And I shouldn't have to. Because this was some serious bullshit. And if you can't see that, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Did I overreact? Well you would probably think so because this woman, who kept quote-tweeting me for your attention, had just been given the MOTHERLODE of sympathy-getters to get all she wanted from fools like you, who wouldn’t even give it a second thought to condemn me. Why? Cuz I lost my fucking shit, and I couldn’t even think straight. The crime is not that I said it, but that she got me there.

But you don’t care, cuz she shows you, you saw red, and she gets exactly what she wants. Ta dah! This is how Karens work.

If I have one more finger-wagging, pearl clutching, self-righteous person come at me with, "Now Ray, you don't wish someone dead of cancer!" like I don’t fucking know you don’t, I was gonna fucking lose my goddamned shit worse. I particularly like "Do better!" Better? Okay fine, she can die of cancer AND the clap. How's that for better?

As you can see, I’m not sorry. I didn’t ask for this shit.

All the excuses ya’ll made for her! I got to see them and they were so insane. Oh but that's not what she meant, you said, and But HE started it (whoever HE is), and my favorite: But the poor thing was just being swarmed!

Oh please. Hello, welcome to fucking Twitter. You have all participated in swarming people who say offensive shit, yet you’re clutching your pearls cuz I wasn't nice to her for saying whatever the fuck that was? Nothing justifies what she said. And it doesn't even have to be JUST that she said it on the day after five gay murders, but also that she not once, not twice, but three times tried to use me for her entertainment. She was using me for cruel fucking jollies. Do you not see that?

And don’t act like saying that is new just because lady tears activated your heart strings. Do you have any idea how many of these Bernie-or-Bust little brats have told me they hope I keep smoking my cigars and die of cancer? Did any of you defend me? No, and I didn’t need you to.

Did any of you have anything at all to say about the esteemed “Mr. Weeks”?Maybe you don’t know, because I didn’t cry and beg for your attention. But he blocked me and told me to STFU because he's offended by the word "cisgendered," and when asking what it even meant, I simply told him the Latin meaning, and why it's really no different than "HETEROsexual." Well to let you know, he and several of his followers insisted (and these are not my words) that their Black ass don't need no more words stamped on them, sending actual trans people on here to feel absolutely abused. I was there for them, but I don’t remember a single one of you.

We LGBTQ truly cannot trust any of you.

Ya'll saw what you wanted to see, and just snapped right into your little narratives about men being monsters to women, and tossing me right on that pile without hesitation. And I might expect that from people who know nothing about me. But those of you who coddled her, ignored her offensive as fuck thing, and fell for the Karen tears, I have to say, I honestly thought you knew better.

Oh yeah, and I saw a certain lesbian activist's little diatribe about "toxic white gays" and their misogyny, and how they use the term "Karen" wrong as though they don't know what it means. I mean you had to fall right into your little script of your hate for the gay boys, didn't you?

Gurl please. See if I don't know what a Karen is.

A Karen is a woman who throws herSELF onto the hood of your car and then screams at people, "He's trying to run me over!" to get sympathy and bring unjust harm onto the accused. A Karen pokes a bear and then tries to get you to hate the bear because she got her ass bit.

I've even said, a time or two, that while the blood of Jesus is supposed to wash away your sins, the tears of a Karen washes away your humanity in the eyes of the fools who fall for her shit.

Goombah, or whatever her name is, cried her little Karen tears and showed you all what I said, supposedly for no reason at all, and not a one of you saw any humanity in me whatsoever. No reason to hear a word I said. No reason to consider my case when I provided receipts. No reason to wonder why I might have said it. Just run to comfort the poor little thing that the big meanie attacked for no reason at all. How could she possibwy be wrong in any way at all? Why, she was just being all innocent and defenseless and minding her own widdle business, and along came one of those tOxIc wHiTe gAyS, right? Who needs to know any more? I don't have feelings. I am not allowed to be offended. I'm nobody. Toss my ass in the garbage and go help the crying little thing. Guilty because well I just am and that’s all there is to it.

Hopefully you understand, that's how she treated gay men the day after the murders, and the rest of you gave us, in this supposedly evil mean monster swarm you all told me about, exactly zero consideration. Exactly zero agency. Exactly zero humanity. Zero benefit of doubt. Zero reason to care at all that she just said, and yes she fucking did, that gays should "tit for tat" have done something about Japanese internment in the 1940s as though that’s perfectly okay to say.

Every. Single. One of you.

I honestly cannot believe how, in a split second, in a beat of a heart, you ALL fell for this shit, and my entire standing goes up in flames. That’s fucked up.

Gays are always used by straight women who want safety, and then when they’re done we are disrespected, and so damned disposable that even those of you who should know better toss us aside the second we're not useful. Oh hello, it was just a week ago or so that a story came out of a bachelorette party in a gay bar got out of control and some woman bit the fuck out of one of the gay male patrons. I said something about when Jack on Will & Grace said, "Grace honey, I'm not like the other men in your life. I... WILL slap you." Because in that moment I totally would if you fucking bit me.

And oooooh some of you did not like that. And I don't give a fuck. I have a right to defend myself, against any Karen. We have to learn to be. The abuse from straight girls is unfathomable. Some of you might not know this, but in fact gay men are being shamed into giving up our spaces constantly to women because if we don't we're oh so misogynist and mean, even to the point where women are supposed to be allowed (I'm not making this up) to compete in MISTER Leather events, but there is no tit for tat there for MISS. Leather events. You didn't know that, did you? We have a lady Mister San Francisco Leather recently and men were made into monsters if they were against it, because how dare they be!?

Me? I get that gender isn't binary, and I stayed all the way out of that quagmire, because I've already been made aware I am not allowed to have a thought on that. But I do feel for how ripped-to-fucking-shreds some of my friends have been over that. Because like gender, it's complicated.

I don't honestly know how much more I am expected to take before I'm allowed to be mildly annoyed, let alone excused for snapping. Five more of us murdered? Called faggot a two hundred more times? A few more million tweets insinuating we're all groomers? Before I'm allowed to have even the slightest ounce of humanity, that you don't all toss me the second some Karen tears fly, as though all I do is just abuse women all the time, so that the Man-hating Lesbo Lady can have another lengthy lecture to nodding bobblehead people about what monsters we are.

That's what I've just gone through. Thanks to Gumby or whatever she's called, and every... single... one of you. In an instant I still can't believe happened. From a woman who apparently has beaten up on PTSD people before. Remember, I have been quite open about my own crippling PTSD. My own difficult journey not just as a gay man, but as a disabled one, that has me constantly tied up in knots. So that all these little shits on Twitter who call me boomer and wish me dead from cigar smoke think they're "punching up." Like fuck they are. My PTSD is flaring up real bad right now. Defending myself is NOT easy, because every single time I did as a kid, I was abused harder, AND condemned by nearly everyone around me for fighting with women. Because I was male, and my abusers were female--my mother and sister. Never mind I was a little disabled boy and they were older, evil and used that relentlessly against me.

There is nothing more horrific than knowing you can be abused and beaten and have absolutely no right to defend yourself or run. It's why as a child, who shouldn't even know WHAT a complete nervous breakdown IS, I'd had multiple instances of them before I'd even reached the age of ten. I'd feared for my life many times even from a death threat from my own mother. You want to know why I can identify with the terror Black folks must feel with dealing with police abuse? Why the videos are traumatizing to me in a way I couldn't even put into words? That's why.

But no, I'm an unfeeling monster who just abuses women, huh?

What all just happened, condemnation from all of you because of Karen tears, because I dared defend myself, is resulting in a category 5 PTSD maelstrom right now, but you think I don’t feel. All because of your innocent little Googlymoogly, or whatever her name is, wanted some sympathy attention, and every single one of you gave it to her. And every one of you coming at me to tell me, "Now Ray, it was wrong of you!" have no idea.

When I get to the point I’m saying DON'T COME AT ME I don’t say it because I'm a mean person, but because I don't WANT to be mean, and I’m on the edge, and it feels like more internal torture than I can take. I’m not prone to being mean. In those instances I’m actually prone to curling up and crying. The fact I lashed out in defense isn’t because I’m some toxic white male, but that I finally learned I do deserve to defend myself. It was not easy for me to get to that state of self-pride. You did not know that. Now you do.

All I know now is that I can never again trust any of you. I know where I really stand with you. And I guess all this time I've been there beside you fighting the Bernie-bitches and the RoseMAGA motherfuckers means absolutely nothing. I never demanded your attention or "a cookie." I just enjoyed making you laugh and supporting you against those little demons, because for a brief moment I didn't feel alone. I never asked for anything from you. Just being seen as a person meant everything after how I'd been treated by the Right for so long, and then by the Left because I didn’t hate Hillary like they wanted. I’d fled the east coast to get away from my family’s abuse, from Obama haters who threatened me because I had the audacity to say he wasn’t a Muslim who’d behead women he didn’t like (seriously, deep south Georgia in 2008 was scary), only to get to the west coast and see representative get shot (Tucson, 2011), to see my Pride parade sabotaged by extreme Leftists in San Francisco each year, to see Russia turn my side of the political aisle into crazed haters.....

After all that, I thought I'd found safety with you on here, and clearly I was mistaken. I didn't even expect you to defend me. I just didn't need your finger in my face and your insult to my intelligence. I just needed the allowance to have the agency to decide what should offend me.

But you didn't even give me that.

Far as I'm concerned, you can all die of fucking cancer with a side of butt herpes and some scabies on the side. You know, because all I am to you now is someone who said that one thing that one time to that one person “for no reason,” and I’m nothing more.

Thanks a fucking lot, folks.

Really thought ya'll were smarter than that.

0 notes

mypoisonedvine · 4 years

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It’s Always The Quiet Ones... | college AU dark!Peter Parker x (slightly)naive!reader

for @nsfwsebbie‘s dream fic challenge, I was assigned to write something for @harryspet which was vv exciting bc I love her stuff ;-; no pressure right? lol (also thank you to @evnscvll for being my proofreader, sounding board, and partner for some very strange texting for the purpose of screenshots!)

Here is the prompt I got: peter is a dork and is weird and quiet, and the readers friends dared her to sleep with him. turns out he was really kinky and is really good at sex. can be dark. And hoo boy, did I run with that. I hope you like it!!

Word Count: 4.4k

Warnings: smut (it’s consensual but with dubcon undertones, manipulation, and implied coercion/dubcon at the end), stalking, blackmail, voyeurism, and general creepiness. Oh yeah and there’s some degradation and dacryphilia in there for good measure.

You and your friends were in the middle of your daily cafeteria lunch, chatting about the same sorts of small talk you always did.

“Oh god, it’s that weird guy from class!” Jackie blurted out suddenly around a mouthful of fries, pulling you out of the conversation you’d been having. Everyone at the table whipped around and your eyes went wide.

“Come on, don’t look all at once,” you hissed.

“Who is this guy?” Cody asked, looking around with confusion.

“The guy in the blue hoodie over there,” Jackie answered, motioning toward him with her head. It was Peter, setting down his tray of food and opening up his laptop, putting earbuds in. He was pretty much always on his laptop, it seemed like. He took a bite of his pizza before getting back to whatever he was working on.

“He looks normal, or normal-ish,” Mia shrugged.

“No, no, you don’t get it,” you shook your head. “We have him in Computational Physics on Tuesdays and Thursdays--”

“Plus Friday lab,” Jackie interjected.

“--and he’s… kinda…”

“Creepy,” Jackie concluded.

“No,” you denied, “not creepy. He’s just… a bit awkward, I guess.”

“And he stares at you, like, the entire time we’re in class. But won’t even talk to you.”

“Oh, that’s weird,” Mia agreed with a shudder.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, “it’s kinda… sweet, maybe? I mean, he’s just shy, right?”

“Oh my god you are such a slag!” Jackie teased, shoving you on the shoulder. “You’re into him, aren’t you?”

“No!” you denied with wide eyes.

“You’re just into the attention,” Cody rolled his eyes.

“I mean, it’s kind of flattering, isn’t it?” you admitted. Jackie laughed.

“You should go over there and talk to him,” she decided.

“Nooooooooo, no way,” you shake your head.

“I kinda wanna see this,” Cody smirks.

“Literally just go over there and flirt with him, his head would explode,” Jackie suggested excitedly.

“I don’t even know how to flirt,” you chuckled.

“So you’re considering it!” Mia accused.

“I didn’t say that!” you squeaked.

“Pleeeeeease,” Jackie whined playfully. “It’ll be funny.”

“I don’t usually sleep with people for comedic effect.”

“I’ll chip in $20 if you do it,” she offered immediately. She turned to the rest of the table, “come on guys, we need to pool together and make her do it.”

“I’ve only got a ten,” Cody mumbled, pulling it out slowly before Jackie snatched it away.

“Okay, $30, who can make it $50?”

“Jackie, calm down,” you hissed.

“You’re telling me you wouldn’t sleep with him for $50? He’s cute!”

“I have $35 and 67 cents,” Mia counted, shuffling through her wallet.

“Oh my god,” you groaned, your head falling into your hands.

“Just do it, for me,” Jackie said, suddenly sounding oddly serious. You didn’t understand why it mattered so much, but you decided it couldn’t be that bad if you just did it.

“Fine, fine, just shut up and don’t stare at us,” you instructed, getting up to a ruckus of cheers. You didn’t even take the money.

You walked across the cafeteria, messenger bag slung over your shoulder, and hoped you wouldn’t totally make an idiot of yourself. If you hadn’t already just by talking to a guy over a dare.

He didn’t seem to notice you when you stood by his table, still focusing on his computer.

“Um, hey,” you waved, and Peter looked up at you as he took out his earbuds.

“Hi,” he replied quickly.

“What… what are you working on?” you asked, motioning to the laptop. He didn’t stop looking at you, and he didn’t say anything. “I… we have comp together? You know who I am, right?”

“O-of course I do!” he suddenly perked up. “Yeah, I just…” he trailed off and turned to his laptop. “I was just working on this model.”

“Can I take a look?”

He smiled a little, and moved his backpack out of the seat next to him. “Go ahead!”

You sat down and leaned in to look at his screen.

“It’s-- it’s not finished but, basically I just put the kinetic energy of an object on the x-axis, the potential energy on the y-axis--”

You used the laptop’s touch screen to move the model around, impressed with his work. “And the z-axis is the conservation of energy for work done on an object,” you finished.

“Uh, yeah, exactly,” he nodded.

“It’s beautiful!” you realized, appreciating the variety of colors as each data point was suspended in the graph.

“Do you do any modeling?” he asked you, and for a hot second it felt like a line.

“Um,” you laughed, “no, not much at least. Nothing extracurricular.”

“Oh.”

“I’m more into abstract math, if I’m being honest.”

He smiled. “Oh, you’re one of those.”

You laughed, shoving him on the shoulder playfully, but regretting it as you saw his smile drop a bit. “People are so judgmental about abstract math, as if it isn’t the study of the founding principles of mathematics.”

“So you think adding a pineapple and a banana is the foundation of mathematics?” he quirked an eyebrow.

“Okay, there’s so much more to abstract mathematics than weird variables,” you frowned. “Like basic functions on matrices! Don’t act like it isn’t dope as fuck to add, subtract, multiply and divide matrices. If you saw my whiteboard in my dorm you would understand.”

“If I had a whiteboard now I could prove to you that abstract math is overrated,” he countered.

“I’d love to see you try,” you scoffed. You hadn’t really meant it literally.

“I don’t have anything for the rest of the day,” he shrugged. It took you a moment to realize he was suggesting to actually come to your room and talk about math. You weren’t sure if that was even what would happen if you went back to your dorm…

You opened your mouth to say that you were busy, that you couldn’t, that you shouldn’t, so you were a little surprised when you heard yourself say “sure” instead.

And that was how you ended up sitting on your kitchen counter with Peter Parker between your legs, kissing you like you’d never been kissed before.

It sort of happened all at once. He just grabbed you and you were confused but went with it, because life is short and he was cute and his hands felt unexpectedly wonderful as they gripped your back.

You gasped a bit when he started to pull your shirt over your head but he didn’t slow down, quickly removing his own-- oh, hello there six-pack, nice to meet you-- kissing you again as he wrapped his hands around your waist and slid you off the counter, guiding your legs to wrap around his hips. He carried you to the bedroom with unexpected grace; he was so much stronger than he looked. And he looked different than he ever had before as he tossed you down onto your bed and started to kiss his way down your abdomen while his fingers slipped under the waistband of your shorts.

“Oh god, Peter!” you yelped as he kissed along your thighs, pulling down your shorts and underwear and tossing them to the side.

“Say my name again,” he demanded before instantly latching onto your clit, sucking and licking directly onto the bundle of nerves.

And you really had no choice in the matter, his name pouring from your lips over and over, accentuated with a yelp as he shoved two fingers into you, finding and massaging your g-spot before you could even process everything you were feeling.

“Oh my god, fuck, Peter!” you hissed, your head falling back onto the mattress so hard it bounced a little.

You were barreling towards an orgasm faster than you probably ever had before. This was nothing like the few other hook-ups you’d had since starting college-- it wasn’t even like the times you’d been alone with your hand or a vibrator. This was like an assault on the senses, so powerful that you couldn’t even really keep track of the sounds you were making or anything that wasn’t his mouth on you and his fingers in you.

“I’m gonna come, oh my god, I’m gonna come don’t stop please--” you moaned as your words turned into mostly incoherent nonsense. How could you be expected to form a sentence in these conditions?

Thankfully, he didn’t stop. He kept lapping at your clit as if he hadn’t even noticed your pleading, his fingers twisting inside you even as your walls clenched so tightly around them that it became difficult to keep up the pace. Your hips involuntarily bucked against his face, your legs quivered as he refused to give you any reprieve from the sensation, but he kept going.

“Oh fuck, fuckfuckfuck Peter I can’t-- it’s too much-- oh god,” you babbled, but it fell on deaf ears. A small part of your brain was confused why he wouldn’t stop-- you hadn’t told him outright to stop but it was kind of implied, right? Wasn’t it some amount of not okay that he was still going? It made your gut sink in a way that was equal parts disturbing and erotic.

You were trying to pull away but his arms wrapped around your thighs and held you down. God, he was strong. He looked kind of skinny in those hoodies he was usually wearing, but now that he was actually exerting some force he was clearly muscular. You felt helpless and it, oddly enough, turned you on.

“Peter, please, oh my god, slow down I-- I can’t take any more,” you whimpered; your voice came out all high-pitched and squeaky and it would’ve been embarrassing if you had enough brainpower left to care.

He groaned against your skin but said nothing, using his teeth to lightly graze your clit. Your whole body jerked at that, a sob tearing from your lips suddenly. It felt like you were past the point of orgasm now and just lost in some sort of aggressively intense world of pleasure-- it neared pain, really. You had never been pushed to your limits like this; you hadn’t even realized that there were limits which one could be pushed to this way! It was exhilarating and exhausting and overwhelming. You fought tears from forming because it would be so embarrassing to cry right now, and he would probably freak out and think you were hurt or something… maybe you were hurt, you couldn’t even tell at this point. But at this point, it was unstoppable. You were fucking crying from the overstimulation and he hadn’t even put his cock in you yet. Your face was so hot that your own tears felt cool as they poured down your cheeks.

Finally, he stopped when he heard your sobs. But instead of concern or fear or confusion, his expression was simply joy.

“Oh, you look so cute when you cry,” he cooed, sliding back up your body to kiss your tears away as they fell. Then he kissed your mouth, open and sloppy and aggressive, and the taste of yourself on his tongue made your head spin.

Before you could collect your thoughts, he pulled back and made quick work of his jeans and boxers-- fuck, he was big.

“You’re too kind,” he grinned, discarding the clothes and stroking his cock a few times.

You hadn’t realized you had said it out loud, and you felt a little nervous but then he was on you again, kissing you roughly and forcing his tongue into your mouth. You felt him reaching down, gripping his cock and rubbing it through your folds. You were soaked, and swollen, and nearly sore. Every time the tip slid over your clit, you jumped a little.

He pushed into you ever so slightly, moving the head of his cock inside you and nothing more. You whined with confusion and anticipation, but he continued on teasing you.

“Please,” you whimpered into his kiss.

He pulled back and looked down at you, his eyes blown so wide that they looked like they’d gone black. “What was that?” he asked, and you sighed because you knew he could hear you the first time.

“Please, Peter,” you repeated, louder, “I need more.”

“More…?”

You sobbed with frustration, and desire. “Fuck me, please.”

He thrusted forward and you groaned as his cock stretched you open. It was like night and day, how he went from slowly teasing you to slamming into your eager walls. You cried out and gripped at his arms, just trying to steady yourself and maybe stop your skull from whacking the headboard if possible.

“You love it, don’t you? You love my cock,” he growled. His voice was lower, gravelly. He sounded like an entirely different person.

“Yes,” you replied weakly.

“Say it,” he demanded.

No one had ever talked to you like this before and it made your cheeks burn. “I-- I love your cock,” you stammered.

He smiled and you hoped you’d done it right, and that he wasn’t smiling at your obvious nervousness or lack of experience. You didn’t understand how this was normally supposed to go, because you didn’t normally hook up with people so casually-- you had just never really been interested in it. But now that he was fucking you so hard you could barely breathe, you were starting to get the appeal. God, your last boyfriend hadn’t even made you come in five months of dating, meanwhile five minutes with Peter had made you a sobbing mess. Even now you were biting your lip to hold back your tears from the sheer intensity of the sensations you were experiencing.

“Oh, you poor thing,” he pouted condescendingly. “You don’t wanna cry but you can’t help it, huh? You’re my dumb little crybaby aren’t you?”

You tried not to react to that but you knew he felt your walls clench suddenly.

“You like that? You like being my stupid whore?”

“S-stop,” you begged weakly, feeling beyond humiliated.

“But you like it, angel, I can tell. Don’t lie to me.”

He reached down to swirl his thumb over your clit, laughing at the way you tensed up and tried to squirm away.

“Is it too much princess?” he asked, but the nickname read less sweet and more mocking. “Isn’t this what you wanted? You asked me to fuck you. Begged me. Now you act like you can’t take it, like you’re this delicate little flower and not the dirty fucking whore I know you are.”

“I-- I’m not a whore,” you denied even as you struggled to suppress your obvious arousal from the derogatory nature of his words. You felt a little guilty for being into it, and slightly insulted, but fuck if it didn’t make your back arch and your throat dry and your pussy so excessively wet.

“Oh, don’t play dumb,” he scoffed. “But, maybe you’re not playing. You really are dumb, aren’t you?”

You logically knew that it was too late to deny anything he said, but you still clung onto your dignity as best you could. “N-no!”

“Not all the time, just when you’re wet. Isn’t that right? You get so desperate for cock and you don’t wanna be smart, you just wanna be somebody’s brainless fuckdoll.”

That sounded so appealing in some forbidden, filthy way and all of a sudden you were going to come again, any second now.

“Yes!” you nearly screamed, falling into your pleasure.

“Come on my cock, baby,” he encouraged, “come for me.”

You didn’t even sound like yourself with the noises you made, or maybe it was just that you’d never had the chance to make noises like that before. Either way, your orgasm crashed through you and nearly punched the air out of your lungs. Your toes went numb. You didn’t even know that could happen. And most important of all, your walls tensed and fluttered so hard that he began moaning into your ear.

“Fuck, ‘m gonna come inside you.” You couldn’t tell if it was a warning, like he was asking permission, or if he was just informing you of his intentions which you would be powerless to stop even if you told him not to. You didn’t have to find out because you were on the pill, but it made you realize all too suddenly that you should’ve had him put on a condom-- how could you have forgotten?

His moans turned hoarse and with a growl and a tightened grip on your hips, he spilled deep in you, coating your walls as his length flexed and twitched inside you. For a moment you were just stuck like that, his weight holding you down as he caught his breath, and finally he rolled to the side and you could breathe cool air again.

“That was…” he began but trailed off, pulling you closer and kissing your shoulder. “You’re amazing.”

It was quite the shift from how he had been talking before. It was comforting, but you were still a little confused. “Really?”

He laughed softly. “Did you not notice? God, I’ve wanted you for so long…”

You were curious about where he was going with that, but then he suddenly sat up.

“Do you want some water?” he offered.

“Uh, yeah,” you smiled. “The cups are in the cabinet just to the left of the microwave.”

He nodded and gave you a quick peck on the cheek before sliding out of the bed, slipping his boxers on over his still-hard cock which was now coated in your come and his, and dashing out of the room.

You were mostly content to just lay there, although you felt uncharacteristically sore between your legs, and quite… sticky. You glanced over to your whiteboard and realized he never had any intentions of talking with you about abstract math. Was this just a one-time thing, or was he going to come back and ask you out? Were you boyfriend and girlfriend now? Or were you just a clueless romantic who thought that sleeping together meant more than it really did?

You rolled over and saw Peter’s phone resting on the bedside table. He must have set it there when he was stripping quickly while you two had been making out-- or that’s what you were pretty sure the order of events had been, it had all happened so fast…

At that exact moment, the screen lit up with a notification. You were about to roll back and not look at all, until you got a glimpse of the words.

PHYS 507, row 3, seat 14

You furrowed your brow. It looked like an alert for an upcoming class, except that this was your class, the one you had with him, and it wasn’t until tomorrow. No assignments due today, either. And what was with the row/seat thing? Peter didn’t sit in the third row… you did.

You picked up the phone just enough to angle it to see the rest of the notification. It wasn’t a calendar alert; it was a text message. “PHYS 507, row 3, seat 14” was the contact name. You could only get a preview of the message…

okay, it’s done isn’t it? can you please delete those pic….

You were curious, or maybe just concerned. Was the seat number supposed to be the person texting him? How were you supposed to keep track of who sat where to know who it was?

It had to be somebody from your row, but it was just you, Jackie, and a bunch of random dudes that Peter had never seemed to have any interaction with.

You assumed you wouldn’t be able to unlock the phone to even try to snoop, which you didn’t want to do anyways, but when you slid your thumb over the screen, you gasped when it opened straight to the conversation. Who didn’t put a password on their phone?

okay, it’s done isn’t it? can you please delete those pictures now? I did what you asked. I won’t tell anyone. just send me proof that the photos are gone, please.

You felt a little sick. You had no idea what this meant but it scared you. You saw the conversation from before but it didn’t make any sense. You scrolled back up to try to figure out what they were talking about and gasped when you saw a picture Peter had sent to the contact.

It was Jackie. But she wasn’t alone. She was on her knees in the lab room, and you gagged when you realized what she was doing-- or really, who she was doing it to.

She’d told you she had a casual thing with a new guy but refused to say who it was. You realized why now. She was fucking your professor, and you just knew she was doing it to get a better grade. You had been trying to figure out how she was earning higher marks than you but never seemed to be able to discuss the class material. It all made sense now, but it wasn’t a comforting feeling.

You scrolled down a bit to see the conversation after the photo, and your blood went cold as you read it.

You saw several more messages but you couldn’t bring yourself to read any of it. You knew everything you needed to know.

You weren’t sure what inspired you to open his camera roll… of course you wouldn’t find anything comforting there. But you had to see for yourself.

It was just a list of folders, so many you could keep scrolling for ages. Each had a label and a thumbnail image.

The thumbnail of Jackie on her knees jumped out first. PHYS 507, row 3, seat 14. 45 images.

A girl in a lacy bra posing for the camera. PHYS 509, row 1, seat 8. 12 images.

Two girls making out in a crowded room, holding red solo cups. ENGL 104, row 12, seat 5. 6 images.

A nude selfie in front of a mirror. PHIL 108, row 2, seat 2. 14 images.

And then the one that made your heart stop. It was a picture of you in a bikini, taken by a friend on spring break. PHYS 507, row 3, seat 13. 1 image.

The second you jumped up, dropping the phone, he was there with your promised glass of water in hand.

“What’s wrong?” he asked innocently. Just a second of silence was enough for him to pick up his phone from the floor and realize what had happened with a grin. “Oh, that,” he sighed, slipping it into his pocket after looking down at it with a sort of loving look, like he was proud of his work. “I suppose it’s my fault for leaving my phone right there, without a password, knowing I would get a text from Jackie any minute.”

“You wanted me to see it,” you grimaced, “you wanted me to see what you did to my friend. What you did to all those girls.”

“I didn’t do anything. They do all the heavy lifting, I just hack them and get pictures of it. Or, in your friend’s case, I hack them, find out they’re fucking the professor, and follow them to their next rendezvous.”

“You’re fucking sick,” you spat, and he just shrugged. “You’d better delete those photos of Jackie.”

“I will, don’t worry,” he soothed. “It’s a shame though, she was pretty prolific. You, on the other hand, you’re a good girl. You even had pretty good security, I respect that. Here’s a tip: your ISP creates the intranet that your wireless webcam uses to connect to your laptop. It’s password protected, but it defaults to your phone number, and most people never change it. Including yourself.”

You shivered. “You watched me with it, didn’t you?”

“Well, I had to since you didn’t have any good photos of yourself. And you do a decent job of erasing your porn history… but not a perfect job. You watch some interesting stuff. And you look so hot with your hand stuffed in your panties, rubbing yourself to whatever nasty shit you’re watching...”

“Shut up,” you demanded, covering your ears, “stop, please. This is so fucked up.”

He laughed a little. “You look better in person though. A webcam could never capture how perfect you look when you come.”

“Please just stop,” you sobbed.

“Stop what? I’m just telling you the truth.”

“I should’ve listened to my friends. You’re a freak.”

“Hmm, you seemed to like it before.”

“Just delete those pictures of Jackie… and let me go…” you seethed.

“I will,” he promised. “But, I need something to make up for the loss of some great spank bank material.”

You felt sick. But what else was new?

“I need to finally get some good pictures of you. Come on, isn’t it sad that your folder is so empty?” he pouted, pulling the phone back out from his pocket. “I could ruin a lot of lives with these folders. Just let me take a few photos and you can spare them all the humiliation. Nothing I haven’t seen you do before.”

You really really wanted to just deck him, but you knew he could probably release those photos with just one push of a button. He was prepared.

“Don’t post them,” you pleaded.

“You’ll be good?”

You clenched your jaw. “I’ll be good,” you answered through your teeth.

“Oh, look at you,” he cooed, “such a sweet girl you are. Helping out your friend even after she threw you into the lion’s den to protect her secret.”

You hadn’t thought about it that way. A pit formed in your stomach.

“Now come over here and get on your knees,” he grinned, turning on the camera.

#peter parker x reader #tom holland x reader #dark!peter parker #dom peter parker x sub reader #dark!peter parker x reader #dom!peter parker #dom!peter parker x sub reader #spiderman x reader #night monkey x reader #lmao #peter parker smut #tom holland smut #tom holland x y/n #peter parker x y/n #sabs dream fic challenge

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withcolebrock · 3 years

Text

I Drew That

Corpse Husband x fem!reader

Summary: Corpse finds out that Y/N has a drawing of him as her background

Warnings: swearing :)

Word Count: 1,818

Author’s Note: I’ve spent weeks trying to write this piece :/ I just couldn’t find a way to make it how I wanted it if that makes sense but I tried my best. This idea was very cute because I can totally see this happening lol. Especially with like the whole flirty voice thing Corpse has been doing with like Brentman and like James and stuff haha. I hope you guys enjoy it!!

~~~

Tonight was one of the many nights that she was playing Among Us. It had taken over her life, a flood of success followed her once she had played with Sean and Felix. She had gained over two hundred thousand subscribers on her YouTube channel. It had changed her life for the better, in many ways.

For the last three rounds, it had been strict imposter wins. Felix won two of those. Everyone was shocked when it was him the second time, Felix was getting great at the game. The group then decided to switch lobbies because Felix was throwing a fit about getting imposter too much. It was the usual group of Felix, Sean, Poki, Rae, Sykkuno, Leslie, Toast, Dave, Corpse, and Y/N.

Over the last few months everyone in the group had gotten a lot closer. Especially Corpse and Y/N. After the first time they played together, a lobby Sean had created, they had talked for hours after the first game they played. This had continued almost every time they had played Most of the time, Corpse would be editing his videos while talking with her. It calmed him as he worked. She would be working on her art or scrolling through Pinterest or Tumblr.

They had even FaceTimed several times, where Corpse revealed his face to her. He made a big deal out of it, saying a whole monologue before he turned the camera to his face. She followed in pursuit being very dramatic as well. Whenever they would talk he would play her his music, waiting to see if she liked it. She loved any song he put out, despite it not being her usual music taste.

One night she was scrolling through Tumblr and found an artist who was drawing Among Us players with their little characters. One particular character made her smile and her heart flutter slightly. It was an amazing drawing of Corpse and his little character sitting on his shoulder. It was an art style she was familiar with, she loved supporting smaller artists. It was the cutest thing she has ever seen. Weirdly, it perfectly described him. She loved it so much, she decided to keep it as her phone Wallpaper.

The round started on Mira, where Y/N was a crewmate again. Throughout the whole night, she still hasn’t gotten imposter. “Dammit,” she groaned at the screen. She stood still at the start of the map, waiting to see if anyone would fake tasks at the start. Everyone ran off, not doing them. She quickly followed.

After a long thirty seconds lights get shut off. She ignores the emergency and continues doing her tasks, she stood by the vending machine when Felix killed her. “It’s fucking Felix again!” she leaned back in her chair groaning. She covered her face with her hands. “He’s gotta stop killing me first,” she shook her head. She tried to hide how annoyed she was.

Her body was called by Poki, she was the only dead one. “Oh my god,” Poki said once the screen popped up.

“Y/N no!” Rae yelled, “You guys, she’s died first the last three rounds,”

“Wait really? Oh Jesus, sorry Y/N,” Sykkuo said, a breathy laugh leaving his lips.

“I’ll protect you next round, Y/N, I promise,” Corpse said. Y/N tried to hide her smile and the heat rushing to her cheeks.

“We’ll avenge you, Y/N!” Sean yelled. Soon after everyone grieved her death they began asking each other where they were. Everyone had a solid alibi making it impossible for them to figure out who did it.

“Guys, guys, Y/N died first the last three rounds right?” Toast started, everyone hummed, “Who was imposter these past few rounds?” he explained. Everyone gasped.

“You really think I would kill her first three rounds in a row?” Felix tried to defend himself as the voting time clock turned red.

“You’ve done it twice already!” Sean yelled, voting Felix. Felix was saved since half of the group skipped. She floated around the map trying to get her tasks done quickly so she could talk to her chat without holding back the rest of the group.

She glanced towards her chat, reading a few questions, she shifted her gaze to the game and thought about the questions. “I’ve been working on a cute little animation for you guys, I might do another art stream with you guys. Only if you guys want it, of course.” she read through a few more questions while answering them, while she waited for the meetings to end.

Once all of her tasks were done, she began to talk about her art and fanart. “Yeah, there’s an artist on Tumblr, they are amazing, they deserve so much more recognition,” she explained as she showed them her lock screen with the drawing of Corpse; without thinking about her chat being curious as to why it was him. Turning her phone back towards her, her eyes widened as realization dawned on her.

The chat began to flood in with questions, begging Y/N to tell them why she had Corpse’s drawing as her background. She chose to ignore the question and continue talking about her own art and showing fan art. Despite trying to change the subject, she sighed dramatically. “Chat, there’s no reason why Corpse’s character is my background, the artist is just good, stop talking about it,” she giggled as the victory screen popped up on her screen.

“Felix what the fuck!” she unmuted in discord. He began laughing as he began to defend his actions. “No, no it doesn’t matter if I know your liar voice, Felix-” After about five minutes of everyone talking the next round started. She was a crewmate again, “I feel like I’m bugged,” she groaned as she started running around doing her tasks. Corpse’s little black character was following her.

“Looks like I got myself a little body guard,” she smiled as she spoke. They walked passed the medbay room, as Corpse moved his character dramatically. She rolled her eyes as they both walked into the medbay room. She didn’t have medbay, but she sat waiting for Corpse to finish. They continued doing tasks together until a body was called. It was Sean’s.

“Y/N’s cleared I was with her the entire time,” Corpse said confidently into his mic. She said the same about him. Poki was acting a little weird during the call, which made Y/N a little suspicious of her.

~~~

When the lights were shut off Corpse was killed by Poki, and he groaned as his body was killed immediately. Poki called out Y/N right away, saying that she was with Corpse the whole time. Corpse glanced towards his chat, finally able to try and read everything everyone was saying. His eyes lit up as he saw her name flash the screen several times.

One person kept spamming the chat saying, Y/N’s has your Among Us character as her background, he smiled as he read it. He knew exactly what the picture was, “Oh really?” he hummed as he continued reading. Everyone was saying how nervous she got when they kept asking her about it. He pressed his lips together nervously. He decided to drop it for now, but he was curious. He looked back up to the screen and began to listen to what was happening during the meeting.

“...You really think I would spend this whole game marinating Corpse for me to kill him in front of Poki? What about that double kill that happened, there was no way I would’ve done that if I was with him.” Y/N explained, over Poki trying to defend herself.

“I think she’s got it guys,” It was down to Toast, Y/N, Sykkuno, and Poki. Everyone quickly voted for Poki. The Victory screen popped up. “I knew you had it, Y/N,” Corpse said as everyone started shouting into the discord.

After a few minutes of them discussing the round, they decided to switch over to Polius. “Hey, Y/N, can I ask you something?” Corpse asked, the group quickly went quiet.

“Sure,” she giggled.

“My chat keeps saying you have my character as your phone background, is that true?” he asked, teasingly. He smiled widely. The entire group started cheering while teasing Y/N and Corpse.

Her mouth dropped open as she tried to find a way to explain it, “Well, uh,” she cleared her throat, “I do actually, it was great art, what was I supposed to do?” she laughed.

“Oooo, someone has a little crush,” Sean teased, Felix quickly joined. The rest of the group was simply laughing along. Corpse stayed silent while the group was teasing Y/N, and Corpse for that matter.

He pulled up Y/N’s Twitter and began to scroll through her feed to find the perfect drawing. He took the drawing that Y/N did of her own Among Us character. It was a drawing of Y/N holding her little character in her hand. It was his favorite piece of art she has done. Mainly because she drew it while on FaceTime with him. He quickly changed it to his iphone background, he glanced back towards the screen, seeing if the game started. He took a screenshot of it and immediately texted it to Y/N.

“Y/N, look at our messages,” he said simply into his mic. The group slowly stopped talking as they waited for Y/N to open the message.

“Corpse, I’m scared,” she whispered, everyone started laughing.

“Just open the message,” he giggled.

She sighed dramatically while she pulled up the messages with Corpse, seeing the screenshot. Her lips fell into a pout as she saw it. “I drew that,” she mumbled into the mic.

“You did,” he whispered, as he felt heat rise in his cheeks. He loved hearing her voice. “It’s my favorite,” he continued.

“Corpse,” she whined as her eyes began to tear up. She didn’t know why, but her heart felt so full. “You didn’t have to do that,” she mumbled, readjusting herself in her chair. She shifted her gaze towards the contact name, Corpseyyy.

“Of course I did, It was beautiful art,” he muttered while he looked back towards his phone, admiring his new phone background.

“Is this..a possible.. New relationship starting?” Sean whispered dramatically into his mic.

“It sounds like it,” Rae interjected. Corpse rolled his eyes dramatically, but he didn’t oppose the idea; neither did Y/N. Rae quickly started the game, letting the tension ease between everyone. Corpse and Y/N got imposter together.

“Oh my god finally,” Y/N said into the mic as she started faking tasks, “Chat, please stop saying I’m blushing, you aren’t helping,” she giggled as she continued the game. She raised her hand to her cheek, feeling the warmth.

#corpse husband #corpse #corpse husband imagines #corpse husband x reader #corpse husband fanfic #corpse imagines #corpse x reader #corpse fanfic #e girls are ruining my life #cat girls are ruining my life #miss you!#agoraphobia

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whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst · 3 years

Text

Texts from the Lost Tomb, part 5.4

I swear folks once I get this and the last part up I’m gonna condense it all

But yeah couldn’t resist some <3

Zhang and Wu Chat

Wu Xie: Um. I’m all done with the shower if you want a turn.

Zhang Qiling: I’m alright without one.

Wu Xie: sooo are you pissed at me still?

Zhang Qiling: ? I have not been angry with you since the ladder incident.

Wu Xie: you’ve barely said anything since the necklace thingy

Zhang Qiling: I believe it is a long-running joke amongst my friend group that I do not, in fact, say much.

Wu Xie: okay but there are multiple gouges in the tea house walls that would suggest you had somewhat strong feelings today

and I kinda caused the events that sparked said feelings

so just checking in you know

Zhang Qiling: I was not angry so much as I was afraid. More afraid than I’ve been in a long time.

Wu Xie: ??? But it has worked out fine??? Everyone made it out alive and Uncle Erbai gets to feel morally superior to the Zhang family for a while so today was a win overall

Zhang Qiling: I heard you scream. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t get to you right away. Therefore, I was afraid.

Wu Xie: ohhhhh. oh, Xiao Ge. It’s alright now—hey the necklace was actually helping u look out for me:) It’s not like those ppl were actually trying to hurt me, really. Your family isn’t so bad, at least you don’t have any uncles you know of

today was just some big misunderstandings wrapped in some poor life choices. Tbh my memoir title

I feel kind of stupid for screaming but when a glowing necklace wraps itself around your neck it’s a little uhoh moment lol

I did like the design tho def my aesthetic.

Zhang Qiling: I am pleased that it was able to protect you when I was not.

Wu Xie: Uh no you are not allowed to get all emo abt this it’s only like 3pm

damn time flies when it’s flashing before your eyes lol

Are you on the roof? You’re def on the roof. I thought I heard the tiles moving over my head. Come down or I’m coming up.

Zhang Qiling: I will be down in a moment. Do not come outside, it’s cold and raining.

Wu Xie: you know, Zhang Rishan said he thinks the necklace might be linked to you, somehow

something from long ago, even though you wouldn’t remember it.

It’s lucky that it liked me, huh:)

Zhang Qiling: Yes. Quite lucky.

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: AWW LOOK AT HIM NAPPING ON YOUR SHOULDER SO CUTE. BEBES HAD A BIG DAY. YOU TWO ARE PRECIOUS. BE GOOD AND POSE FOR THE PICTURE NOW.

Zhang Qiling: No. Also, I am considering what steps I should take with Zhang Rishan. Regardless of his concern for the Zhang family line, his actions were unacceptable.

Wang Pangzi: HES DROOLING A LITTLE ON YOU WHICH IS LESS CUTE BUT I CAN CROP THAT PART

LOOK I KNOW YOURE STILL PISSED. IM NOT EXACTLY CALM MYSELF, I JUST HAVE WAYS TO SKIRT AROUND TIANZHENS BULLSHIT FILTER THAT YOU LACK

GET ON MY LEVEL

WU ERBAI WILL HANDLE IT, THINGS HAVE SETTLED I THINK

BUT ABOUT THAT NECKLACE

SO INTERESTING HMMM

Zhang Qiling: I am the patriarch of my family. The necklace behaved as I would, apparently, to protect a vulnerable family member. Wu Xie’s bad cold last week activated it, and it responded to a perceived danger to him today. Simple enough.

Wang Pangzi: UH HUH

A FAMILY MEMBER

THE NECKLACE REALLY SAID LOVE WINS

TOLKIEN COULD NEVER

Zhang Qiling: It protected him on a technicality. But I will not allow him to bear the burdens of my family ever again. It has taken so much from him already.

Wang Pangzi: YEAH SURE BLAH BLAH DESTINY BLAH BLAH ANGST

“A TECHNICALITY” WOW WHO SAID ROMANCE WAS DEAD

ANYHOO IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS FOR UR WEDDING RECEPTION SLIDESHOW

YA KNOW DURING MY SPEECH

Friends of Wu Xie Support Group Chat

Hei Yangjing: you’re welcome for everything today<3 I accept PayPal, although of course it is always my honor to assist my friends:)

Wang Pangzi: WE ARENT PAYING YOU SHIT

Zhang Qiling: You did absolutely nothing.

Hei Yangjing: whoa whoa maybe I wasn’t threatening family members or busting up load-bearing walls like some undying divas I could name but I totes helped

or at least I was there for moral support maybe?

Zhang Qiling: The only reason I knew you were there at all was that as I lowered my blade from Zhang Rishan’s neck, I heard the camera click and saw you were taking a selfie making a peace sign, angled to have the two of us in the background.

Xie Yuchen: I saw it on social media just now. The caption is “#greatdaycatchingupwiththelads #blessed”

Wang Pangzi: TBH KIND OF JEALOUS I DIDNT THINK TO DO THAT

Hei Hangjing: okay yeah you see Xiao Ge that is a modern kind of help I should’ve known you wouldn’t be aware

It’s called performance, you wouldn’t understand

it’s a ‘Gram thing

Also it means I’m a great person

Bc letting you handle the situation was my gift to you

Zhang Qiling: Wu Xie mentioned there is something called “blocking ppl” that gets them out of my phone.

Hei Yangjing: nah

Can’t trust that Wu Xie, bae can’t tell a coffin from an urn amirite

it’s not a thing, blocking

Xie Yuchen: It is a thing. I’ll show you later, Zhang Qiling.

Wang Pangzi: YOU BOYS GO GET CLEANED UP AND COME BY AROUND 9 I SNAGGED SOME OF ZHANG RISHANS BOOZE ON THE WAY OUT

Bonnie and Clyde Chat

Hei Yangjing: you looked pretty comfortable in those handcuffs earlier ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Go to sleep, idiot.

Hei Yangjing: You’d have to do something to tire me out ;););)

Xie Yuchen: Are you like this around Wu Xie? Not that I care, I’m just asking.

Hei Yangjing: uh that’s a big nope

First off all Idk when I’ll die but Id prefer it to be on my terms and not at the hands of those other two

Secondly there is a part of me that remembers how adorable he was when he was younger and that makes it weird

(No offense but u were not adorable. He was bebe luke skywalker, you were bebe princess leia I am obvs Han Solo 4lyfe)

Also I’m a little scared that if i flirted with him and he flirted back he’d be better at it.

Xie Yuchen: All valid concerns.

Hei Yangjing: as cute as he is I don’t really wanna tap that.

Xie Yuchen: I see.

Hei Yangjing: do you tho

Main Chat

Wu Xie: okay folks who wants cocoa to top the evening off? I picked some up today:D

Wang Pangzi: UH YOU SPENT YOUR DAY BEING KIDNAPPED AND PLACATING A SENTIENT NECKLACE WHEN DID YOU HAVE TIME TO GET GROCERIES

FRANKLY THATS INTIMIDATING

Wu Xie: the tea house gift shop:)

Wang Pangzi: …YOU BOUGHT COCOA FROM YOUR KIDNAPPERS. FROM THEIR GIFT SHOP. DURING YOUR KIDNAPPING.

WU XIE

WU XIE WHY

Wu Xie: I mean we were there the whole day, it felt impolite not to buy anything.

Wang Pangzi: OH RIGHT GREAT POINT ID HATE TO BE RUDE TO THEM AFTER THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF ABDUCTING US

LISTEN WHEN PPL STEAL YOU IT BECOMES FREE REIGN ON THEIR SHIT

UGH YOU PROBABLY GOT A RECEIPT AND EVERYTHING

WAS UR LITTLE SHOPPING TRIP BEFORE OR AFTER THEY STUCK U IN A DUNGEON TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU

WAIT NVM I DONT WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT

Wu Xie: look, let’s focus on the positives/ we are all okay, and we learned something new, that necklace is still active! It’s really quite nice-looking when it isn’t moving of its own volition.

Wang Pangzi: YOU AND YOUR RELENTLESS DUCKING OPTIMISM

ZHANG QILING ARE YOU SEEING THIS

Zhang Qiling: I would love some cocoa. I’ll come to the kitchen.

Wu Xie: I have special marshmallows for you!!

Wang Pangzi: I SEE

WE ARE SUBSCRIBING TO THE PRESTIGIOUS “FUCK IT WHY NOT” SCHOOL OF THOT TONIGHT

LOL SURE LETS GO COCOA IT UP

IVE GOT SOMETHING STRONG TO POP IN IT

Wu Xie: Still thinking about that design… I’d love another chance to examine that necklace under less Zhangy circumstances.

Kinda sad we couldn’t borrow it to use for illnesses and dangerous missions :/

ah well it’s for the best, a family heirloom should be treasured, preserved and protected<3

Zhang Qiling: I put it on your dresser.

Wu Xie: ???????

Wang Pangzi: AND THATS WHY YOU AND I ARE FRIENDS, XIAOGE <3

Wu Xie: I—

Zhang Qiling: Are those bunny-shaped marshmallows for me?

#whomst #ultimate note #wu xie #dmbj #the lost tomb #pingxie #iron triangle #dmemebj

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randomposterofstuff · 3 years

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An in-depth analysis of Mikasa’s character development in relation to Eren and Levi

Author's Note: Hi, all! As I was re-reading and going over my previous post/analysis titled "On the change of dynamics of Mikasa's relationships with Eren and Levi," I realized that there were some points that I should've/could've included. Lol. I also came up with other points of analysis as well as arrived at other realizations concerning Mikasa's connections with Eren and Levi. So, I've decided to post them here. This post can be considered a continuation of the previous analysis since it supplements and further expounds on the last post's points. But this can still stand on its own since it also talks about additional issues. Haha. If you want to read the previous post, the link is up there. Hehehe.

Fair Warning: This is a very long post. Lol.

This post will analyze the following:

1. How Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history. This was already touched upon in the previous post, but this post will expound more on this.

2. How Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's own character development. How her development as a character is affected by this will also be discussed. This segment will also analyze how Mikasa's connection to Eren became strained because of the latter's drastic change in the latter part of the series.

3. How "Chapter 138: A Really Long Dream" is about Mikasa finally letting go of and "waking up" from her dream. This post shall also analyze how Chapter 138 is actually the climax and turning point of Mikasa's character development concerning Eren.

4. How Eren represents Mikasa's dream, while Levi represents her reality. This will be further expounded on later.

From the foregoing topics, it’s clear that this is a primarily Mikasa-centered analysis. Haha. I just had so many thoughts running through my mind about her development that I was eager to make this post. Lol.

So, anyway, we now delve in:

1. Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history.

In the series, most of Mikasa's actions and reactions tend to either revolve around or be connected to Eren. About this, it is necessary to take into account their relationship and shared history.

Before Mikasa met Eren, she was a young girl who lived a relatively peaceful and quiet life with her loving parents. But then, all that changed when human traffickers killed her parents in front of her eyes and kidnapped her to sell her as a sex slave.

During this time, she was just an innocent young girl who hadn't experienced much of the world yet. So, one can only imagine the pain, shock, and trauma that she must have felt during her brief period of captivity. Being so young at the time, she was understandably shaken and scared – having had her family and her innocence forcibly and violently taken away from her.

However, hope came in the form of a young Eren who had gone looking for her on his own when he and his father discovered her parents' bodies. When he found her, he wasted no time taking action and immediately killed two of her captors before freeing her. When the third captor arrived and tried to strangle Eren, he told her to fight. At first, she was scared to do so, as evidenced by her shaking when she held the knife Eren used to cut her binds. While he kept telling her to fight, memories suddenly flashed in her mind, and they made her realize that they lived in a cruel but beautiful world. During this time, her dormant "Ackerman powers" awakened and thus gave her the strength and courage to actually fight and deliver the killing blow – thereby freeing both herself and Eren. As we all know, in the aftermath, the Yeagers took Mikasa in, and Eren gave her his scarf when she said that she felt cold.

As mentioned before, Mikasa and Eren's shared history is important. This is because it defined the early dynamics of their relationship. Eren was literally and figuratively her savior. He saved her from captivity and from a potential future of abuse. He also saved her from loneliness and despair. When she lost her biological parents, she found a new family in Eren, Grisha, and Carla. The Yeager parents treated her warmly and kindly, and Eren was her constant companion (apart from Armin, of course). Having experienced the severe trauma of violently losing her parents, she never wanted to lose anyone precious to her ever again. This is evidenced by the following situations in the series:

a) When she and Eren desperately wanted to save Carla from the Smiling Titan in Season 1. Neither she nor Eren wanted to leave her behind. So, when Hans carried them away to safety, Mikasa was visibly crying and heartbroken.

b) When she attacked Levi with tears in her eyes when he initially declared that he would use the Titan serum on Erwin instead of Armin. Armin, alongside Eren, was one of the most precious people left in her life. As such, the idea of losing him was painful. When Levi eventually decided to save Armin instead, Mikasa wept tears of joy when Armin fully recovered after eating Bertolt.

c) When Mikasa cried upon seeing Sasha's dead body. While the development of their friendship wasn't fully shown, it was clear that Sasha meant a great deal to Mikasa as the former's death affected her deeply.

About Mikasa not wanting to lose anyone close to her, it is evident and apparent that Eren was the most special person in her life. This is not surprising since Eren was the one who literally saved her, and there's also the fact that he was the only one left of her adoptive family. Apart from these, I think that the following reasons are also possible and probable causes as to why Eren was the most special:

a) Eren was her source of hope and strength. When she fell into despair when she was kidnapped, Eren gave her hope when he came to her rescue. It was also during the struggle against her captors that she awakened her inner Ackerman power. So, she might have attributed her then new-found strength to him.

[Side note: I'm aware that Eren was lying when he commented that Mikasa had responded to his "command" to fight back then because she mistakenly thought that he was a "royal host." In the “Attack on Titan ANSWERS” guidebook, Isayama-sensei himself stated that "[Mikasa, Levi, and Kenny] are all part of the same Ackerman bloodline. However, their reasons for protecting their respective counterparts do not have anything to do with the bloodline itself—it is just their nature." When I said that Mikasa attributed her then new-found strength to him, I was talking in figurative and emotional terms. Lol.]

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 6 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

b) In her eyes, Eren represented the good in their cruel world. Because of Eren, Mikasa realized that the world is cruel but is also beautiful – meaning that there's also good in it

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 7 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

My take is that all of these things shaped and formed the beginnings of Mikasa's connection to Eren. Their shared history influenced Mikasa's overly protective nature towards him and her affection for him. Eren was the foundation of her strength and a constant reminder that there was still good in the cruel world they lived in. As such, she would have done anything to protect him and all that he meant to her.

This is particularly important as we proceed to the second point of this analysis, which is how Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's.

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2. Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's.

For the most part of the series, Mikasa has been characterized by her strong urge to protect Eren. The reasons behind this protective nature of hers have already been expounded earlier. At this juncture, I shall now discuss how Mikasa was affected by the kind of person Eren used to be.

Specifically, this portion of the analysis will be divided into two (2) parts: the first will be about their character developments during the pre-Marley arc. The second will be about their developments during the Marley arc and going onwards.

a) Pre-Marley Arc

As previously mentioned, Eren was her literal savior. And she saw firsthand how he would willingly place himself in danger to protect others. She appreciated Eren's good-nature. And she likely saw him as a sort of embodiment of the things that make the cruel world they live in more bearable and more beautiful.

It is essential to consider the kind of person that Eren used to be before the Marley arc. Before the truth of the world and the Titans was revealed, Eren was a mischievous and stubborn child. Still, at the same time, he was also good-natured, determined, selfless, and courageous. His resolve, courage, and desire to protect others were further amplified when the Warriors of Marley attacked his hometown of Shiganshina and when the Smiling Titan ate his mother.

The early stages of Eren's development are relevant to Mikasa's own development. Due to his well-meaning nature and their shared history, Mikasa felt strongly inclined to side with him and protect him at all times. While this is understandable on her part, it has also proven to be problematic.

Her disposition towards Eren impaired her judgment

For instance, it has been shown on more than one occasion that Mikasa's affection for Eren has impaired her judgment. This has been exemplified in the following cases:

a) Back in Season 1, when both she and Armin thought that Eren had been killed, Mikasa went on a reckless rampage on her own against the Titans which invaded Trost. To be fair, she was grief-stricken under the circumstances. Nonetheless, her actions were still irresponsible, and she nearly lost her own life because of them.

b) When she recklessly went after Annie in her Female Titan form after the latter had captured Eren in the Forest of Giant Trees outside the Walls. Mikasa would have probably been killed had Levi not arrived. Furthermore, because of her rage towards Annie during this time, Mikasa disobeyed Levi's order not to engage Annie in battle. Her decision endangered her; it also resulted in Levi's injury, which rendered him unable to fight for some time.

It also narrowed her priorities and way of thinking

As mentioned in my previous post, Mikasa is not cruel or heartless towards others. It has been shown that she has empathy for innocent and helpless people. This is likely because of her own experiences with being powerless. The following instances exemplify this:

a) When she saved Louise and her mother from one of the Titans that had invaded Trost.

b) When she threatened Dimo Reeves with her sword when he refused to allow the district's defenseless citizens to pass through the pathway leading to the protected areas until all of his merchandise and goods were carried through. She only relented her threatening demeanor and actions when he had this cart moved to the side to make way for the citizens to pass.

However, because of the extent of her concern and devotion to Eren, Mikasa seemed to disregard nearly everything else whenever he was in danger.

An example of this was during the Struggle for Trost and Eren's military trial in Season 1. When Eren transformed to begin the mission to seal the Wall, he initially lost control and attacked Mikasa and the others. It is worth noting that it was unintentional on his part. However, that does not change the fact that his loss of control nearly jeopardized the mission and placed his comrades in danger.

While the mission was ultimately successful, Eren's loss of control was still a serious source of concern. Because of this, he was temporarily imprisoned. It was also decided that there would be a trial to see if he was either a threat or an asset to humanity within the Walls.

During this time, Mikasa was understandable apprehensive, and worried about Eren. It is worth noting that, as mentioned in my previous post, she was more concerned about him than the fact that he was still a potential threat at the time. It should be remembered that during this time, the inhabitants of Paradis (save for a select few such as the royal family and their followers) were ignorant of the truth about Titans and the world. As such, the fear directed towards Eren was valid and understandable. Yet, despite this, Mikasa was still singularly focused on him.

This is evidenced by the following:

a) Her glaring at Rico when it was revealed that the latter had mentioned Eren's loss of control in the report that they had submitted. When Rico responded with, "Did you expect me to lie in a report?" Mikasa simply continued to glare at the Garrison soldier. On this, Rico was clearly in the right for telling the truth since Eren's powers were still a mystery and still potentially harmful to others. Yet, Mikasa was probably too worried about Eren to realize this.

b) When she attempted to attack Levi when the latter began to physically beat Eren. She would've undoubtedly intervened had Armin not stopped her. I had already expounded on this in my previous post, but I will just add the pertinent excerpts here:

"The display was necessary to emphasize and prove that Levi, who is widely known as "Humanity's Strongest Soldier," was best suited to subdue Eren should he lose control of his abilities. Because of this, the Scouts were able to convince the Military Police and Premier Zackly that they should be given custody over Eren. At the time, Mikasa was gravely concerned about Eren's well-being and was perhaps too furious at Levi to think about anything else. Because of this, she probably did not immediately realize that Levi had effectively secured Eren's relative safety at the end of the day. "

"During the trial, the MPs spoke of planning to dissect him, among others. Conversely, the Scouts proposed that he participate in an upcoming scouting expedition to determine whether he is a threat or not. They also suggested that Eren be placed under Levi's direct supervision so that he could be subdued in the event of an incident. While the latter proposal still entailed some degree of violence, it was far less hostile and more beneficial to Eren than the MP's proposal."

To conclude this part, I think that Mikasa focused more on the fact that Eren never meant any harm. And she probably thought that Eren should not be punished because of this. Again, all of this shows how Mikasa was inclined to always side with Eren (even though his actions may sometimes do more harm than good) because of his good and well-meaning nature and their shared history.

b) Marley arc until the present time

The second part of this segment shall now discuss how Eren's drastic and dark development affected Mikasa.

As mentioned before, Mikasa always sided with Eren because of their past and his good nature.

However, when Eren began changing for the worse, their relationship began to deteriorate. As mentioned in my previous post, they slowly but surely drifted apart until they lost their common ground.

At the start of the Marley arc (which is the beginning of the fourth season in the anime), Eren's personality had noticeably become darker. This is evidenced by his horrible actions, which endangered and cost lives, such as the following:

a) When he executed his and Zeke's plan to raid Liberio so that they could both escape to Paradis Island. As a result of this plan, countless innocent civilians and children were killed in the process. Furthermore, several of his comrades from the Survey Corps/Scouting Regiment lost their lives, including Sasha.

b) When he initiated the Rumbling with the intention to destroy all of humanity not residing within Paradis Island. This plan and course of action would eliminate both their enemies who were actively plotting to attack Paradis and millions of innocent civilians and bystanders.

At this point in time, Eren had changed from a good-natured and compassionate soldier dedicated to protecting innocents to a depressed and violent extremist. This change was triggered by the revelation of the truth about the world and his gaining access to the memories of the past and future inheritors of his Attack Titan.

With regard to how his terrible change affected Mikasa, it is clear that she was clearly disturbed by it.

Mikasa had begun to acknowledge that Eren was no longer the "good" in their cruel world.

During the raid on Liberio, she was visibly distraught and affected by Eren's destructive actions. It seemed that she was in disbelief – she even asked him if he was aware that he did things that cannot be undone. As mentioned in the previous post, Mikasa was even more distressed because Eren consciously caused the destruction and did not appear to show any remorse.

It is worth noting that Mikasa's empathy for innocent and defenseless people, especially children, was highlighted in this scene. When she asked Eren if he was aware of his actions' consequences, there were tears in her eyes.

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 6 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

At that point in time, Mikasa had begun to realize that the Eren she once knew was no longer with them. She had started to see that Eren no longer represented the good in the world; and that he had become a source of what makes it cruel.

Mikasa felt conflicted because she was in denial.

Throughout the Marley arc events up until the Rumbling arc, Mikasa still held on to the hope that Eren could still change for the better. It is true that she believed (or maybe desperately wanted to believe) that Zeke was manipulating him, but does not change the fact that Eren was acting on his own accord.

On several occasions, Mikasa had expressed her desire to talk to Eren and kept insisting that sense could still be talked into him. I think that this is an indicator that she was in a state of "pseudo-denial."

I used the term "pseudo-denial" because, from how I see it, Mikasa was already aware that Eren was no longer the same person who saved her. That he was no longer the same person who insisted that Historia eat him so that humanity can be saved. That he was no longer the same person who would jump right into battle to protect innocent people; that he had turned into someone who had harmed and would continue to harm innocent people. However, it appears that Mikasa did not want to accept this fact. This is why she kept insisting on talking to Eren in the slim chance that he could still be persuaded to abandon his plan of initiating the Rumbling. She was torn between reality and her personal sentiments. In short, she still hoped that the kind person who stood up for the helpless and who saved her from bondage was still in there somewhere. This exemplified by this scene from Episode 14 of Season 4:

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 14 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

This pseudo-denial placed her odds with her allies and comrades. The others, such Armin, Annie, and Levi, had already accepted that Eren needed to be killed in the worst-case scenario. On this, it's apparent that Mikasa knew that they were right considering the circumstances. But she still felt conflicted because she still hoped that Eren could be convinced to not go through with his plans. However, that hope was dashed when Eren himself told them that the only way to stop him was to kill him. Yet, even then, she was still hesitant and conflicted.

Mikasa had matured because of their strained connection and had begun outgrowing her bond with Eren.

In a way, Mikasa was still holding onto the past. On this, Eren's dark character development is what caused their relationship to deteriorate. As previously discussed, Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history and the type of person he used to be. In the past, Eren was her savior, her family, and her source of strength and hope. But when he stopped being those things to her, the foundation for their bond was lost.

While it is tragic and drastic for Mikasa, this caused her to become more keenly aware of other priorities. She became more cognizant of the stakes involved rather than just focusing on Eren. Although she still cared greatly for him, she was no longer singularly focused on him. She became wise and mature enough to not turn a blind eye to the danger and threat that he posed. This in sharp contrast to how she acted in the past. Before, she would always place Eren's welfare first before nearly anything else. But because of recent developments, she finally began to realize and understand that there were other things more important than Eren. And I think that this is a significant turning point for her since he had affected and influenced her for most of her life.

Before Chapter 138, Mikasa was still in a state of "pseudo-denial" because of her hope for a more peaceful solution in dealing with Eren. But I think that the fact that she started feeling conflicted was the start of her process of outgrowing her bond with Eren. This is because she knew that she could no longer just turn a blind eye to his actions and their devastating effects.

The significance of her process of outgrowing her connection with Eren will be further expounded in the next point of analysis below.

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3. "Chapter 138: A Long Dream" is about Mikasa finally letting go of and "waking up" from her own dream.

It has already been established that Mikasa had dreamed of living a peaceful life for the longest time. She dreams of one that is similar to the kind she once had with her parents. In particular, Mikasa wanted to live such a life with her loved ones, particularly Eren. The "dream" she had during this chapter is evidence of this.

It is unclear whether what Mikasa saw was a dream, a hallucination, a vision, or, as some fans speculate, a memory from an alternate reality. In any case, it was not the reality that she lived in.

I've already stated earlier that her process of outgrowing Eren and their bond was significant. Concerning this, I think that the said process was part of a slow build-up towards her decision to finally let Eren go and kill him.

As previously mentioned, Mikasa seemed to have difficulty accepting that the Eren of her past had turned into the Eren who wished to destroy all of humanity outside of Paradis. She had struggled to fully acknowledge and accept this fact because it was too painful for her. However, as the situation started to become more drastic and desperate, she realized that she had no other choice but to face reality.

But even though she knew this, she still felt conflicted. Even when Eren told them that the only way to stop him was to kill him, she was still hesitant. She knew what needed to be done but could not accept it because of her attachment to Eren.

On this, I think that the "dream" or vision (or whatever it really was) that she had during the battle is representative of the kind of life she wishes and dreams for. When she, Levi, and the remaining Titan shifters were the only ones left to fight, she started having another headache. And when Levi told her that they were the only ones left who could kill Eren, her head pain intensified until the dream/vision started playing in her mind.

This is my take on this moment: the headache represented Mikasa's conflicted feelings. She knew that Eren needed to be stopped to save humanity. She knew that the rest of the world did not deserve to suffer from the cruel fate that Eren wished to bestow upon it. But her emotional attachments held her back from taking action. As for the dream/vision, I think it was her way of arriving at an epiphany and decision. And on this, maybe it was this dream/vision that gave Mikasa the resolve and courage to finally accept the reality. I will expound further.

In the dream/vision, Mikasa was crying. She said that she "shouldn't be there." And then dream-Eren spoke about their decision to run away from the Marleyan-Paradis conflict so that they could live in isolation and in peace during the last few years of his life. Dream-Eren then apologized for "bringing up the past."

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

I personally think that this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. During this dream/vision, Mikasa finally realized that her wish and dream to live a peaceful life with Eren could no longer come true. Her dream was born in the past, and if there was any chance of it happening, it had already passed by. Mikasa finally realized that attaining her dream was already impossible at that point.

I also think that when dream-Eren told her to forget about him after he dies, this could be interpreted as Mikasa realizing that if she were to finally have a quiet and peaceful life, then Eren would not be a part of it.

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

Furthermore, Mikasa saying that she "had a long dream" could mean that she finally let go of her life-long wish/dream so that she can wake up to the reality she needed to face. It could be interpreted as her choosing to give up on Eren for good to make the world a less cruel place. On this, her decision to kill Eren herself was likely her way of letting him go and saying goodbye. It was the climactic resolution and outcome of her internal conflict where she struggled to choose between doing the right thing (saving humanity) and holding on to the most special thing in her life (Eren). In the end, she chose humanity over him because she knew that if she chose him, then their already cruel world would become darker and crueler.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

A quick note on Mikasa saying that she can’t forget Eren:

Some people might say that Mikasa’s declaration that she can’t forget Eren means that she decided not to let him go. I personally disagree with this. It is completely possible to move on from someone and let them go without forgetting them. In Mikasa’s case, I think that by saying that she won’t forget Eren, she meant that she will always remember the peaceful, good, and happy times that they had together. I also think that it means that she will fondly remember Eren as the good person he used to be.

I think that it’s understandable and fair that Mikasa chooses to remember the good times and the good things. Because, for better or for worse, Eren was still a huge and influential part of her life. The old Eren and the good times they had together were very much real, and the happiness she felt during those times was also genuine and valid. I also think that her decision to wear the scarf around her neck before delivering the killing blow was her way of saying, “I’m letting you go. But I will always value the good moments we had together. Goodbye.”

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

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4. Eren represents Mikasa's dream, while Levi represents her reality.

This is a personal take and interpretation of the possible symbolisms connecting Mikasa and Levi in Chapter 138.

During the final battle against Eren, only Levi, Mikasa, and the titan-shifters were left to fight. And during this battle, Mikasa started to have her dream/vision. While dealing with her conflicted emotions, she began to drift to her "dream" about Eren and away from reality. And while she was drifting away, Levi kept telling her to "stay with [him there]."

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

This could be interpreted as Levi being the voice calling out to her to stay in the current reality and not get lost in her distant and impossible dream. It is interesting to note that before she began "dreaming," an image of Eren as a child was shown, followed by a panel of a close-up of Levi's mouth with no dialogue. Meaning that everything around her had already faded away before she was immersed in her dream during that time.

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

This could symbolize the inner conflict and turmoil that Mikasa was experiencing. She was torn between holding on to the past and accepting the present.

When she woke-up, both literally and figuratively, Mikasa had decided to let go of her dream and of Eren. She finally accepted the reality and returned to it. She returned to Levi's side and faced reality alongside him.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

Following this line of thought, this symbolic moment could foreshadow the kind of relationship they would have in the future. Considering that this final stand against Eren might very well be the most important battle of their lives, it would be reasonable to assume that they might form a deeper connection and relationship in its aftermath. They finished it together, so perhaps (and hopefully) it means that whatever the future might bring, they would also face it together.

Going back to how Eren and Levi are symbols, Eren represents her dream. Eren is not only a part of it; it is also linked to her past. Mikasa knew that her dream was impossible to achieve at that point and that it was necessary to finally let it go.

Levi, on the other hand, represents her reality. The reality she currently lives in is cruel and harsh. However, she can control what she does in it and what she makes of her life in the said reality. In other words, her reality is full of possibilities and various choices. This is in contrast to her dream of a life with Eren, which was impossible to attain. Furthermore, she only had two (2) choices as to what to do with the dream. It was either to keep holding on to it despite its impossibility or to let it go completely.

Thus, it can be said that Eren represents and symbolizes “what could have been”. Whereas, Levi represents “what could be”. Prescinding from this, there really is a good chance of Mikasa and Levi growing closer in the future.

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Author’s Note: Well, that’s all for now. Lol. I know that this post is very, very lengthy. Hahahaha. So, I really appreciate you guys for taking the time to read it. I tried my best to make it as organized and as clear as possible. I hope that it makes sense. Haha. I might post more analyses in the future. Hehehe. Let me know your thoughts and opinions!

#rivamika #levimika #mikasa ackerman #levi ackerman #levi x mikasa #mikasa x levi #eren jeager #eren yeager #eren jaeger #eren and mikasa #attack on titan #aot #shingeki no kyojin #snk

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