#Kaz Brekker x sister!reader

[jahayla-parker]

💭Headcanon: send in a character and a scenario or type of reader to get a bullet point list of thoughts on it.

okay okay, kaz brekker x sister!reader

Kaz Brekker's Sister Headcannons

I feel like his sister would be the youngest (born after both Jordie and Kaz). 'Cause part of his trauma is being afraid to rely on someone older who he thought would take care of him.

Running with that thought, Kaz would take that ^^^ type of role towards his sister very seriously. He vowed he wouldn’t let her down the way Jordie let him down (don’t come for me! His internal thoughts mention this frustration in the books so it’s canon).

We know Kaz is obviously very protective over those he cares about, which would undoubtedly extend to his sister. But, his role as the older brother added to that. And his disappointment and anger towards Jordie’s role in what happened ask those years ago, added to that as well; he wasn’t going to do that to his sister.

Although, he knew it wasn’t something he could prevent. Since it already happened to her once; the same day it happened to him. Jordie was her older brother as well. But Kaz nevertheless vowed to never let her down.

Kaz vowed to never make her have to worry about or even question having a roof over her head, a warm room to sleep in, food , etc.

He kept a healer on hand should she get sick ever (even so much as a cold). He wasn’t taking any chances. While he refused to let healers touch him he required it for her wellbeing.

She never had to worry about her safety. He’d taught her how to defend herself, how to fight, kill, etc.

He kept her from having to experience the financial difficulties he was old enough to experience due to Jordie’s deal with Rollins and as they aged, he made sure it stayed that way now that she was old enough to be able to know if that was the case as he made sure they always had enough funds saved up and the means to get more some should it be needed.

Kaz would’ve been so upset when his sister became ill, to the point it inadvertently made himself much sicker from stress.

Kaz tried to do whatever he could to get her feeling better, giving any scraps of sustenance to her instead of taking his portion/share and using their only blanket to cover more of her body by not covering any of his.

It would only have driven his anger against Pekka even further because he not only lost his older brother, he almost lost his little sister and he watched her suffer the loss of jordie as well

Given she was so young (given the age gap between Jordie and Kaz at the time of incident, I’m assuming she’s roughly 7 ish), it was a lot to process and try to make sense of

And poor Kaz wasn’t much better at that; certainly not to the point he’d be able to be much help for her in this area

As such, he resorted to simply helping raise her as if this new life was simply how their lives had always been

Because he’d used the blanket on her and not himself, and had literally given her some of the clothing off his back to keep her from freezing to death, she’d managed to survive the night.

In fact, while her body was too hypothermic to wake up when the medics came through and took her brothers, she was fortunate enough to be just warm enough to not be considered dead the way Kaz was, and as such, wasn’t dumped in the harbor with Jordie.

As such, she didn't develop the trauma with touch like Kaz

But, it was her presence on land that truly drove Kaz’s survival.

His body was giving up and he wanted nothing more than to just give in

And he especially didn’t want to have to use his brother’s body as a flotation mechanism in order to survive

But his vengeance and his inherent need to protect his little sister drove him

We know Kaz is shit when it comes to being around sick people now (understandably) but the one exception would be his sister should she fall ill.

That’s not to say he wasn’t still horrible at handling it, or that he wouldn’t go into a full on panic spiral at the tiniest sign of her getting sick

But, he was also unable to pull himself from her side until she healed.

He refused to ever risk being away from her while she was ill ever again.

As far as his touch phobia, that undoubtedly extended to his sister as well, although he truly hated himself for it (more so than when it came to his touch phobia in general).

But, it was out of his control. Besides things got better with time.

It started rough and killed his spirit each time when his little 7yr old sister wanted to hold her surviving brother’s hand while walking through the “scary” streets of the Barrel or otherwise simply sought physical comfort from him.

Especially because he’d once been able to offer that to her and he knew she was old enough to remember that and he saw the clear proof of that in her sad eyes every time he pulled away

But by that point, he’d suffered the worst of it. So he knew they’d power through

The worst was when he made it back to her and he’d had to explain to her that jordie was not coming back. As if her sobs and screams weren’t painful enough for Kaz, she tried to cling onto him for support, only to find herself confused and more distraught when he scrambled away

With time, the two orphans inevitably took over the town.

At first Kaz wouldn’t let his sister get involved

Until he realized that was futile, especially if he wanted her to start safe

He had caught her defiantly trying to help on her own, so he eventually caved and taught her everything she needed to now how to do and brought her into the business

Inej and Kaz’s interaction about crows was actually similar to what happened with his sister years before and that’s what made him choose to name their new elite crewmembers and dare his sister say friends, his crows.

Kaz used his power in the Barrel to create a safety shield around his sister

He knew she was a vulnerability to him and in turn was at risk by association, so most people didn’t know she was his sister

She’d been hurt at first when he told her this was how they’d go about their new life, after all, she was so young and didn’t understand but he did it for her sake

And if people did find out about them being siblings, they’d assume that she and Kaz must not be as close as normal siblings because they saw the business relationship only and assumed that’s all there was between them even when finding out about the blood relation (it helped that Kaz always made a name for himself as someone who didn’t care about anyone else), which worked to keep people from using her as bait or something against Kaz. Which was what he’d masterminded of course.

She was 7 so she didn’t understand the need to change their last names and start fresh but she trusted Kaz fully

She is and was the only person he ever took flack from and or allowed/allows to yell or argue etc with him but only in private

Kaz knew his sister would be struggling with Jordie’s death, as he himself was and still is

But he knew he was not going to be much help

He did as much as he could, if she’d suffered anxiety or panic attacks, he was there to offer verbal assistance and support

And he helped her take part in getting revenge for what they went through

But he couldn’t talk about it. It was still too much and talking was no longer a strength of his.

He couldn’t talk to her when she was younger as he needed her to simply follow along with what he said and believe this was just the way things went all along

But as they got older he still found himself unable to talk to her about it

But that’s why he finally told Inej just enough for her to know that his sister would be having similar issues as him since she was so worried about his behaviors and in turn, he knew Inej would go to her and be able to offer the support he couldn’t

Again, I could go on and on, but I loved this idea!

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[ell0ra-br3kk3r-writes]

The Diffrence

pairing(s): kaz brekker x sister!reader (nikolai lantsov x reader)

genre: fluff

warning(s): slight (major but breifly mentioned) spoiler of ck

Kaz Brekker didn’t have a heart. That was known to every person in Ketterdam but one. Y/N Brekker knew that her brother was still in him somewhere. She saw Retvield almost everyday in the little things he did for her. Whether it was walking her to her room everynight, or making sure she eats breakfast. She noticed all the ways he still took care of her which only made her tease him for constantly saying the barrel is the kind of place where it’s kill or be killed. She did agree with that, but it was funny to see the same man who can cut your tongue out, serve you tea with sugar. 

Other than the fact that they were siblings, they had drastically different personalities. But only one distinct moment from their pasts really set them apart. Y/N was never on the boat. She didn’t see all those dead bodies, or use her eldest brother’s body as a raft. She was to be left in the alleyway, and she watched as these strange men took her brothers and threw them onto the boat like they meant nothing. 

“Stop! No! You don’t understand!” Y/N chased after the older men as fast as her little legs could carry her. Her high pitched voice echoing through the streets as she yelled at them to give her brothers back. “You can’t do this!” But the men paid no mind to her and they kept moving to the docs with a barrel of bodies in front of them. Shivers ran down the little girl’s arms and legs as the cold breeze seeped through the thin cloth of her well-worn night gown. Her small feet ached and begged to stop running but she wouldn’t let them, not when her big brothers were being taken away. “Please! I need them! You can’t do this!” She didn’t quite understand what they were doing, but she knew that wherever they were taking Kaz and Jordie, she wouldn’t ever see them again. Her legs finally gave out from under her when they reached the docs and she watched in terror as they threw the only family she had left onto a large boat. A horrified scream ripped its way through her throat without her consent. And she didn’t stop screaming or crying. Nothing could have gotten her to stop as she watched the boat sail away.

That’s the difference between Kaz and Y/N. 

Once he got back to Ketterdam he searched frantically for his sister and finally found her curled up deep inside the same alleyway the three of them slept in. Her filthy, torn blanket wrapped around her tiny figure in a weak attempt to keep warm. Her hair in it’s usual braid. The sight broke the nine-year-old’s heart into a million peices, but also brought a sense of comfort. He still had family. He walked forward with caution as fear settled into his stomach. She looked too still. He knelt down next to her and saw the subtle rise and fall of her chest. He sighed in relief and sat down next to her with his back leaning against the wall. Finally able to catch some rest he fell asleep next to his little sister. 

~

Y/N sighed as she stretched her legs and rested her feet on the corner of Kaz’s desk. “Do you ever miss home?” Kaz looked up from the papers piling on his desk, “What do you mean?” She ran her hand through her hair, pulled it all to one side and started braiding it. “I mean do you ever miss ma and da? Jordie? Our farm? The animals? The fields? Any of it really.” He froze. Of course he missed it all sometimes, but he couldn’t afford to. “No. Not really-” Y/N groaned, “No no no, don’t start lying to me. Truth only, please.” 

He let out a sigh, trying to hide his chuckle. He stared at her in what she would call fondness. He can’t believe how much she’s grown from the little girl who would hide behind him and scream everytime a crow would land in front of them. “Yes I miss home. But we can’t dwell on it too much.” 

She smiled to herself, “I know.” 

~

“So you think we can actually pull this off?” Jesper’s voice held a tone of disbelief as he placed his hands on the table. Kaz only nodded his head and started rolling up the maps. “Okay… We’re gonna break into the Ice Court. No problem.” Y/N chuckled and brushed her hair back for the tenth time as the sea salt wind swept through her braid. “Yeah, no problem at all. Not like it’s the most secure building in the world.” Kaz shot her a sharp glare to which she just stuck her tongue out at him. Nina smirked and nudged the younger girl, “No sarcasm, lil Brekker.” 

Y/N placed a hand over her heart in mock offense, “Me? Sarcastic? Never!” She laughed and walked over to Kaz, quickly snatching his hat and placing it on her head. “Well, I’m exhausted so I’m gonna go to sleep. Good night.” She gave everyone an extravagant bow before she turned and hopped down the steps, walking down to the private room that was assigned to Kaz and herself.

Matthias looked at Kaz with his head slightly tilted, “So… You are related to… Her?” Kaz rolled his eyes, “Yes. She’s my sister.”

~

Y/N sat with her head between her knees rocking back and forth. You’d think she was being attacked, or she was sad… A sharp wail came from across the tomb and Y/N groaned before she muttered a few colorful words she picked up from Jesper. “Y/N stop acting like you’re dying.” Her head snapped up and met a pair of eyes identical to her own. “I. Am. Dying. Can’t you hear her? She sound’s like a dying cat!” Kaz winced as Alys continued her song. Matthias looked around at everyone, “Haven’t any of you been around a pregnant woman? She needs comfort.” He sighed, stood up and sat next to the expecting mother, telling her to lie down and rest her feet up. Y/N rolled her eyes as Kaz gave her a look. A look that told her to go help. “Do I get bonus points if I act like I care and like this totally isn’t your fault?” 

~

“Can I take a moment to point out that, one-” Y/N stood up and fired at the people on the other side of the crates and barrels they were hiding behind. “I never signed up for this. Like-” She quickly ducked back down. “I literally didn’t have a choice.” She smirked when Kaz threw her an annoyed look. “And two-” She reached for her second gun, “I disagree with Jesper when he says I need anger management.” She reached up to fire blindly over the crates. “People just need to stop ticking me off.” Inej paused for a split second next to her, “You realize we could possibly die right now, right?” She shrugged, “I figured if I’ve lived this long, I’m probably invincible or something.”

~ 

Y/N walked through the door of Wylan and Jesper’s new mansion. She spun in a slow circle with wide eyes, trying to take everything in. She opened her mouth to ask a question but Jesper beat her to it, “No you can’t live with us. You’re staying at the Slat.” She stopped and glared at him, “I… Love you. You- you enormously stubborn pain in the neck.” He smirked, “I know you had other words to say and you held them back. I’m proud of you.” She rolled her eyes, “Oh, shut up.”

~

Y/N hung off the edge of the titanium beams being raised up to the flying ship. A terrified scream ripped through her throat before she could stop herself. She felt her braid fall loose, “No! My hair tie!” The annoying face with blonde hair knelt down, “Did you just scream for your hair tie? You’re literally hanging and you could die in a second.” Y/N shot the young king a glare, “Yes I just screamed for my hair tie. And I’m aware I’m hanging right now, but I’m pretty sure I’m invincible or something if I haven’t died yet.” 

She saw him roll his eyes, “Take me hand!” She struggled to keep her grip on the beam as it swayed in the wind. “No! Where’s my brother?!” 

“He’s on the other side! Look, I’m not asking you to marry me! I’m trying to save you!” Nikolai reached a bit farther for her hand. Y/N tried to pull herself high enough to reach his hand and finally grasped it tightly. “Okay, now pull me up!” He heaved her back up onto the beam and rolled his eyes as she rushed to her brother’s side. “Yeah, no problem. Just saved your life, that’s all. Not like you could’ve died or anything.” She rolled her eyes, “If you’re expecting a phrase of gratitude, you’re gonna be waiting for a long time, You're Highness.” 

~ (we’re gonna pretend that nikolai is around the same age as the crows. k? k. ALSO matthias isn’t dead)

“So you want to marry her?” Kaz leaned back against his desk as he observed the blond king’s appearance as if he’s never seen him before. Which isn’t true, because he’s been over a lot. “What makes you think you deserve her?” Nikolai looked at him, “I don’t deserve her, I know that. But I really love her, with my whole heart. And I respect her, and yourself enough to come and ask for your blessing.” Kaz bit back his smirk and diverted his eyes to one of his bookshelves. “Okay. You have my blessing.” 

“YES! HE SAID YES!”  Y/N’s voice was heard outside the office door and was followed by more murmuring voices and giggles. 

~

Y/N sat on the soft sofa Nikolai had in his office, with a book in her lap and her cup of tea on the side table. The only sounds heard was the scratching of Nikolai’s quill and the pages of her book being turned every few minutes. Y/N’s head turned towards the door when she heard the distant pounding of footsteps down the hallway. “Please don’t come here. Please don’t come here.” An amused chuckle was heard behind her when the door opened. “You’re highness.” Nikolai stood from his desk, “Yes?” “There are six people threatening the front guards, saying that if they don’t let them in they’ll kill all the gaurds and find a way in anyway.” Nikolai’s eyes widened as Y/N’s sparkled with amusement. A laugh fell from her lips, “That’d be my family.” 

She put her book down and rushed out the door, running down the halls, making her way to the main entrance. She held the front of her dress in her hands as she ran down the front steps. Six figures stood in front of four guards who tried to get them off palace grounds. “No!” The four guards froze in place at the sound of the queen’s voice. “They’re with me.” Once they step aside Y/N rushed to give Inej and Nina a hug, followed by Wylan, Jesper and Matthias. Kaz stood with his cane in front of him and watched his sister, all grown up and clothed in a nice dress with her hair pinned up at the back of her head instead of its usual braid. 

She stopped in front of him with her hands clasped together and smiled, “Kaz.” 

He smirked and nodded his head slightly, “Y/N.” 

~

“No you can’t play with knives.” 

“Muuuum! Please!” Y/N resisted the urge to roll her eyes, “Okay fine. But if you get hurt that’s not my fault.” Her son ran down the stairs in the Crow Club to practice with Inej. Kaz smirked and shook his head in amusement, “How did you even become a mother?” Y/N turned and smirked, “Well, you see… When two people love each other very very much-” “Okay. Yes. I know that.” She laughed at the disgusted look that painted his face. “But really… I have no idea. I’m still not ready to be a mother and I’ve been one for the last eight years.” 

The two siblings leaned on the railing, watching the commotion of their family downstairs. Y/N laughed as she saw Nikolai wince when his son’s blade missed him by mere inches. Kaz turned his head and smiled at his younger sister. “Do you ever miss home?” A flash of nostalgia crossed her face, “What do you mean?” He let out a raspy chuckle, “I mean do you ever miss ma and da? Jordie? Our farm? The animals? The fields? Any of it really.” 

Y/N looked back down to their family. Jesper and Wylan sitting next to Nikolai at the bar, laughing over some stories. Inej knelt behind the youngest boy in the family, helping hold the knife properly. Matthias and Nina sat at a nearby table, the latter laughing into her hand when the knife slipped from the youngest’s hand and embeded itself in the wooden table. 

She looked back to Kaz, “Sometimes… But I have home right here.”

#kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x sister!reader #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai lantsov x y/n #six of crows #shadow and bone #six of crows x reader #shadow and bone x reader #six of crows imagines #shadow and bone imagines #ellora.writes

[love-strawberry]

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[ellewritesalright]

Nine Long Years - Part 4/?

Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld!reader, Kaz Brekker x sister!Rietveld!reader (platonic)

Part 1 --- Part 2 --- Part 3 --- Part 5 --- Part 6

Synopsis: After watching your brothers die, you found yourself working on the Volkvolny. In the many years since then, you somehow became the queen of Ravka while your brother somehow survived firepox and life in the Barrel, rising through its ranks. In disguise during a diplomatic trip with your husband Nikolai, you meet Kaz Brekker for what you think is the first time, only to find out that he is your long-thought-dead little brother.

Author's Note: Hi there! This one is a little nicer and less sad so hope you enjoy. Next part won't be out for a while I'm afraid. I've got a lot of work to do as the semester is almost done so I gotta grind w that.

Warnings: mentions of death, angst but also fluff, unconsciousness, blood, mentions of sickness, panic attacks, firepox, mentions of the Hertzoon con.

Word Count: 5,570

..........

FOURTH YEAR 

It was getting easier to pretend to be newlyweds. Every second spent with Nikolai kissing your hand or resting a palm against your waist only served to endear you to him, especially when he would grin at you like a schoolboy. You were still masquerading as the Ivanovs, Pytor and Ilse, and you called each other such when in the company of strangers. But when you were alone, no matter how weird it felt, you started calling him Nikolai.

It happened because of an inquiry he made on the road to the village you were currently stationed in. He glanced at you from under his cap, a curious smile playing at his lips.

“Why do you keep calling me Sturmhond?” he asked.

"What else would I call you?" You retorted.

"My real name, perhaps?"

"Doesn't sound right," you said. "Sturmhond suits you."

"You're not wrong, but remember what I told you when you found out?"

"Sturmhond at sea, Prince Nikolai in Ravka.” You raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you really want me to call you 'your Highness' now? Even though we're miles and miles and a gargantuan Shadow Fold away from Os Alta?"

"No need for that formality. Just Nikolai will do." He smiled at you. "Except when we're around others. We have appearances to keep up, you know."

So, despite how difficult it was and how odd it felt, you called him Nikolai when the two of you were alone.

At present, his cap was tucked low over his face, trying to hide the changing colour of his eyes. He was more different every day, and you took the quiet of dinnertime as an opportunity to look him over. His jaw and mouth remained the same, though you doubted they had been tailored in the first place; his nose was straightening ever so slightly, but it still looked like he had seen his fair share of fighting; his hair had all but turned blonde, save for a few red highlights; and now his eyes were becoming murky. You hadn't figured out their real colour yet, but you thought maybe they would be a dark gray or a chocolate brown. 

Whatever they were, they would undoubtedly complement his admittedly handsome face.

"Lost in my eyes, my dear?" He asked, catching your stare.

You cleared your throat, eyes darting away. Honesty might be best in this situation. "Just wondering what colour they really are."

You had no qualms saying this aloud as your dinner was a picnic at a secluded park on the edge of town. There was hardly anyone around, and the closest people were far from being in earshot. 

"In that case, I think I'll leave you in suspense," he said.

"If that's what you want." You combed your fingers through the grass beneath your hands. "Tell me again when we should meet Tamar and Tolya."

He received a message that afternoon through an informant in his network. The twins were safe in Novokribirsk, somewhere you were supposed to be very soon if your navigator–Nikolai–would have a bit more focus on the destination and not the journey.

"No later than Saturday," he said, sprawling out in front of you. When he laid his head in your lap you rolled your eyes. “They’re staying at one of my associate’s homes. We’re to meet them there.”

It was Thursday now, and you had been without the twins for a week, not a couple days as Nikolai had initially said. You missed Tolya's bear hugs and Tamar's quick wit. Nikolai was a decent stand-in for both of them, though your relationship with him felt different from your relationship with the twins. You would never go to Tolya for comfort like you would with Nikolai, and Tamar's teasing and jokes didn't get on your nerves unlike those of a certain privateer prince. Additionally, if either twin wanted to rest their head in your lap you would have accepted them with a smile, but you only felt a quick bout of cynicism for Nikolai.

His eyes were shut, and you figured he must still be tired from comforting you the other night. He looked peaceful, like he could be content laying there forever. A strand of half-red-half-golden hair peeked out from his cap, begging for attention as it splayed across his forehead. You tucked it back into the brim with delicate fingers, tracing along the bottom of his cap. When your hand dropped he opened his eyes in a languid sweep. His smile was soft.

“Read to me?” he asked, his hand fumbling for the basket where the Old Ravkan book was waiting.

In all your boredom the two of you had already finished the book and started it over. You were halfway through, and you held the light, malleable book in one hand as you lost yourself in the words. Your other hand was resting beside you until Nikolai brought it close to him, his fingers dancing across your palm, twisting the ring--his ring--on your finger and interlocking his digits with yours.

A feather-light brush of something against your knuckles made you lose your focus as you reached one of the more interesting parts of the story. You expected to grow angry at him for making you pause, but when you glanced down and saw him grazing your hand against his lips you didn’t know what to feel.

He had kissed your hand before in a crowded town square or during dinner at a pub, but it was only ever when you were in public, only to keep up appearances. This was different. There was no one around, no one to be suspicious of two people in a park, so why was he being so affectionate? 

Of course, it was obvious why. Nikolai liked you. He had expressed this to you on several occasions, but you had always brushed him aside. His feelings were there, a shadow behind every single one of his actions, even when he was being less obvious. There were the winks and flirtations, but then there were the times he gave you a genuine smile, told you to keep safe when you had to be apart, or held you close as you sobbed into his shoulder. He was quietly expressing his fondness on the regular.

Perhaps--in your own way--you’d done the same. You straightened out his cap, made him button his jacket to the top to keep away the autumn chill, and read to him in your shared bed each night. But those were all completely normal things, you were sure of it.

You knew how he felt about you, but you didn’t know how to feel about him anymore. Worse still, if you felt some kind of affection for him, what could you do about it? Your extended reprieve from the Volkvolny didn’t change the fact that he was captain and you were his second. It would be wrong to start a relationship with him.

And then there was the fact that--above all--Nikolai was a prince. He had duties that he would one day have to return to, and there was no place for you in his life when he did.

But the more you thought about being with him the more right it felt. 

That realization scared you more than anything else, but you couldn’t stop it from spreading like weeds in a garden. Some weeds are quite pretty, a voice in your mind argued.

He looked up at you with those murky eyes, a hint of interest in his brow. “Why have you stopped reading, my dear?”

The pet name was an unintentionally cruel stroke, a sweet utterance that only added insult to injury. You pulled your hand from his and began packing things in the basket. “It’s getting late,” you said. “We should go back to the inn before nightfall.”

“I didn’t think you were scared of the dark,” he teased, sitting up to help you. There was a worry in his voice even if he tried to cloak it in humour. He knew your secrets now, your past, and he might have thought that had something to do with your eagerness to sleep with a roof over your head, but that was far from your mind at that moment. 

You weren’t scared of the dark, only what could happen in it. People lost their wits at night, got swept up in any hint of tenderness, and you were determined that it wouldn’t happen to you. 

When you got back to the inn you went to sleep on the edge of the bed, keeping your distance from him. He noticed it–because saints knew he always noticed everything–but he made no mention of it. He kept to his side, and you kept to yours. Simple.

……….

On most days, there wasn't much to do in these Ravkan villages, but–luckily for you and Nikolai–one of the days you were stuck happened to fall on a fete celebrating Sankta Lizabeta. The village you were stopped in had bright, floral decor, and children crowded in front of a travelling puppet show. Nikolai insisted that the two of you watch the puppets perform, even going so far as to hold your hand so that you would remain with him. He flashed you a smile as you leaned against him to get a better view through the crowd.

The puppets were ridiculous, and you grew confused as you tried to follow whatever grandiose plot they were trying to convey, yet the children packed at the front of the crowd seemed entertained. Leaning against Nikolai was necessary to stave off the weariness that accompanied this convoluted story.

It was once you rested your head against him that he whispered to you. "Are you tired? We can go to our room and rest."

"I'm fine," you said. "I just have no idea what the puppets are trying to say."

He chuckled. "It's the story of Sankta Lizabeta."

Nikolai muttered narration into your ear as the puppets kept on, and he drew some smiles from you with his commentary.

"Understandably, Lizabeta was pissed, so she thought 'bees will solve all of my troubles.'"

"Never mess with a woman and her bees."

"Quite an overreaction on the northern village's part. They should've just understood that summoning bees isn't a party trick."

The show finished and Nikolai tipped the performers with a shiny coin, then you took your leave.

It was a small village, but the walk down to the inn was not brief, especially not when Nikolai was taking his sweet time–no wonder you had yet to make it to Novokribirsk. He still had his hand in yours, and he made you trail along with him as he strolled down a hill. You felt a nagging sense to pull at him or drop his hand and go ahead without him, but you didn't. 

It might have been his slow pace that landed you in trouble. Or it could have been the fact that he was distracted. He was once more bringing your hand to his lips, his stare on your face as he pressed a quick kiss to your skin. Then he kissed your hand again, this time for a moment longer. He was testing the waters, seeing how much he could get away with before you made him stop. He had barely pressed his lips to the inside of your wrist when you heard it. 

The clambering of rickety wheels came suddenly. A carriage with no horse or rider came burning down the hill towards you. Nikolai glanced back, noticing its descent a split second before you did. In the moment he acted as quickly as he could, shoving you to the side of the path. 

He couldn't move himself fast enough, though, and the carriage struck him. He was knocked beneath it, smack dab between the wheels, and it continued on without crushing him, thank the saints. The carriage was gone by the time you rushed to his side.

Nikolai was sprawled on the ground, his eyes shut. He wasn't moving. 

There was a familiarity to the situation as you kneeled over his unconscious body. The smell of death creeped up your nose and into your head, muddying your thoughts.

But now was not the time for death. You fought off a sob as you shook his shoulders, trying to rouse him awake. When that was unsuccessful you felt for a pulse that could not be found, watching to see if his chest was rising and falling. It wasn't.

Years ago, when you were a sailor on a few trade ships before the Volkvony, you had witnessed otkazat'sya sailors revive people who had almost drowned by pumping their hands against the unconscious person's chest and breathing into their mouth. That sort of thing wasn't necessary on the Volkvolny because of the corporalniks; they could start a person's heart with the wave of a hand.

You were not Grisha, though, so you would have to help Nikolai the otkazat'sya way.

Laying one hand over the other on his chest, you began pumping with quick and hard motions. You kept a focused eye on his face, checking for any twitches of life. After thirty pumps, you bent over his face, plugging his nose and breathing into his mouth. It wasn't how you imagined being this close to him for the first time, but you did it nonetheless, giving him two large breaths.

You were no stranger to death. It seemed to dog your life, stealing your parents and brothers from you without hesitation. What you had done to warrant such grim circumstances, you didn't know. Maybe you were an abhorrent person in another life. Maybe the saints decided to torment you for their own entertainment. You couldn't explain why death always accompanied you, but today you were determined to banish it. Nikolai wasn't going to die on your watch, you wouldn't let him. You kept pumping.

Every second that he lay unconscious you got more desperate, your hands pressing harder and harder as you tried to restart his systems. You pushed back his cap as you bent to breathe into his mouth again. His golden hair shone atop of his head, the red completely gone. There was a cut on his forehead just above his eye that was slowly bleeding, but you couldn't bother with it now. Your vision was clouding with tears and you blinked them away as you kept on. They dripped on his cheek as you breathed into his mouth again. Then it was back to pumping.

"C'mon," you said, more to yourself than to the man before you. "You can't leave me now." Your arms were starting to tire, but you kept on anyways. "Nikolai, you stupid, impossibly aggravating prince, wake up."

His body jolted, and then he was coughing, his eyes crinkling as his face scrunched up in discomfort. A weight lifted off of you and you pulled him into your arms, squeezing him tight. He grunted at the ferocity of your grip and you eased up, muttering a quick apology.

"Thank the saints, you're alive," you said, kissing the crown of his head in a moment of relief. 

"I didn't know... you cared so much about me," he rasped.

He struggled with his breathing a bit, the wind knocked out of him, but it was good to know that the accident had not knocked the humour out of him. You let yourself chuckle at his joke, pressing another kiss to his head. 

"Never scare me like that again," you ordered, rubbing your eyes. He noticed this and grabbed your hand. 

As though he wasn't just nearly crushed to death, he continued where he left off during your walk, bringing his lips to the inside of your wrist in a soft kiss. 

"Yes, dear," he said.

You used your sleeve to dab at the bloody cut on his forehead. It wasn't too deep, but it would need to be cleaned properly once you got back to the inn. He gave you a smile. "You're improving."

"What do you mean by that?" 

"You're getting better at saving my life."

You frowned. "I shouldn't have to improve at that."

He only hummed in response, shutting his eyes and leaning more of his weight against you. "I think you bruised my ribs."

"I save your life only for you to complain? Next time I'll leave you alone, then."

"But what would you do without me?"

"Relish in the return of quiet."

"Sounds boring."

"Sounds peaceful."

He winced as you helped him sit up, and you wished you'd been blessed with the abilities of a corporalki healer so that you could make his pain vanish like a street magician with a coin. He was barely sitting by the time another carriage came along, this time with a horse and driver. with its open top and drab rectangular shape, it was really more of a cart. It stopped beside you, the driver peering down at you two with pity in his eyes. Half a dozen tiny heads leaned over the side of the cart to stare at you in fascination.

"The carriage that hit your husband probably belonged to old man Arkezny. He never ties up his horses, then they get loose and his carriage takes off whichever direction it pleases," the man said after you told him of your accident. "You can come with us. We pass the inn on our way home."

The driver and his rambunctious children had been at the fete all day, all of them watching the puppets just as you had. Nikolai made conversation with the litter like a professional, even despite the injuries that had him leaning against you as though you were a sturdy column; you were neither, and every time the cart lurched you could feel him tense up in pain, though he did not show it on the outside. He kept laughing with the children and telling them stories about sailing--under the pretense that Pytor Ivanov was a merchant sailor, not a privateer called Sturmhond.

When you arrived at the inn you thanked the kind man profusely, and he merely smiled in return and headed home with his family.

Despite the subtle pain you saw on his face, Nikolai made no complaints as you helped him to your room and made him lay back in bed. You borrowed some supplies from the innkeeper then fetched a bowl of warm water and a cloth for his wounds. Nikolai was patient as you sat beside him and cleaned up the blood from his forehead, employing what little experience you had soothing your brothers' various cuts and scrapes.

"You're wonderful, did you know that?" He grinned at you as you dabbed along his cut.

You only hummed in response, forcing yourself to focus on your work and not get caught on his words.

"Truly," he drawled, "you're wonderful, clever, and kind." Nikolai reached for your hand as it swept the last bit of blood. You met his soft stare. "And you're the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting."

"Nikolai," you tsked quietly, as though in a weak admonishment.

He interrupted before you could state your point. "I like when you say my real name."

"Did that carriage give you a concussion?"

He chuckled. "No, rather the opposite. I'd say it knocked some sense into me."

He played with your fingers, traced along his ring that was still on your hand. You hadn't taken it off once since he slipped it onto your hand in that pub; you even kept it on as you slept. He smiled at it, his eyes glancing up at you.

You realized then how close you were as you sat there beside him, leg pressed against his and his fingers entwined with yours. You could feel his breath lightly warming your face, creeping down your neck and making your chest flood with heat. The heartbeat in your ears was louder than the whip of wind when the Hummingbird was in mid-air.

Nikolai leaned forward slightly, getting even closer to you in a movement that would have made his injuries sting. But he didn’t show any pain, he was only staring at your lips with hooded eyes. His hand went to your face, his thumb tracing along the apple of your cheek in featherlight strokes. And when he spoke it was a whisper.

"Tell me to stop," he begged. "Swear at me in Kerch. Call me a fucking scoundrel again. Please."

"Isn't this what you want?" Your voice was so breathless you felt you ought to be ashamed. But you weren't. Cold shame didn't bother you when you were burning under his vulnerable eyes and the slight press of his thigh against yours.

"It is," he said, searching your face. “Saints, it is. But I need to know you want this too.”

You took a second to look at him. He was already quite a handsome man, but he was a beautiful, devilish sight with his cheeks flushed and pupils blown out. You wanted to remember this moment; if only you could capture the air between you and decorate yourself with its passion again and again.

But you took too long to respond, and he pulled away. He hardly dropped his hand and turned his chin before you grabbed his face and kissed him. It was tender, if quick, and you were pleased to find that Nikolai's lips were as delicate as you'd imagined them to be.

"I want this too," you said as you briefly pulled apart. "More than anything."

"You've no idea how happy I am to hear that."

He grinned, pulled you close, and kissed you again. He held your kiss for longer, and when you pulled apart he kept you close still, his forehead pressed to yours. You took a second to look at his eyes, noting how they’d settled into a green and brown mixture. You never would have guessed they would turn out hazel.

“Your eyes are very nice,” you said quietly.

He smiled bashfully, his forehead slipping from yours as he bowed his head in a modesty you’d never seen from him. “Thank you.”

“And your hair…the blonde suits you.”

His cheeks grew rosy. “What else do you like about me?”

You traced a finger along his lips. “I quite like these.”

“That’s good, 'cause I think they go quite well with these,” he said, his thumb brushing along your mouth.

“I think so too,” you said. “Though I will say, your mouth can be impossibly irritating sometimes.”

He leaned back, meeting your eyes. "So far you've called me an idiot, a twat, impossibly irritating, and a fucking scoundrel. It's a good thing I like you, else I could have you locked in a Ravkan prison for saying such treasonous things."

You swept a hand through his hair, pecked a kiss on the tip of his nose. "I never said anything you didn't deserve."

"Perhaps." He flashed a diplomatic smile. "I may need an apology though. My pride is a bit bruised.”

“Will a kiss suffice?”

He hummed, gently thumbing at your lips again. “Only one way to find out.”

……….

It took another day in the village for Nikolai to recover, but once he was more mobile and not completely dependent on you, you continued your journey to Novokribirsk. It took all day with one stop for lunch, but you finally made it to the city.

You had a cheery reunion with the twins. Tolya gave you the tightest hug you’d ever experienced, and Tamar laughed as she brought you in as well. She was a little more gentle, but only a little. They both missed you, and they missed Nikolai of course. They didn’t squeeze him quite as tight as you warned them of his injuries. 

“We’ll have him fixed up after dinner,” Tolya said, poking at Nikolai’s gold hair. He looked at you. “Quick thinking with the manual heart pumping, Rietveld.”

You nodded your thanks, and the four of you made your way to get food. Nikolai and Tolya fell into step beside one another ahead of you and Tamar stuck beside you, updating you about what she and her brother got up to while you’d been separated. They seemed to do pretty well by themselves, but she said they missed you and your shared captain as the trifles of sibling life drove her up the wall a couple of times.

“And how about you two, how did you fare?” she asked.

You blinked at her. “Fine. Yeah, it was fine.”

“That’s good,” she said, eyes narrowed just slightly.

“Rietveld!” Nikolai cheered over his shoulder. “Tolya doesn’t believe that there was a fete at the town we stayed in the other day.”

“I only said I couldn’t believe you let me miss it!” Tolya defended himself. “I love a good fete, especially a fete for saints. They always have the best food.”

“Well, I promise you didn’t miss much,” you told the heartrender.

“Only my near-death.” Nikolai gave you a teasing pout that evaporated into his shimmering grin. You quickly glanced at Tolya, spotting an odd look he threw to his sister. “And a rather fun puppet show. But otherwise, I agree with my second.”

You watched Nikolai turn back around and continue a new topic with Tolya, listening as best as you could from your slight distance, but enjoying the prattle nonetheless. He looked back at you a few times, smiling brighter than the sun every time he did.

You didn’t notice how long you kept staring at Nikolai until Tamar let out a scoff from beside you. When you snapped your head to her she gave you a suspicious look. 

"What, is there something on my face?" You asked. 

"Actually, yeah," she said, and laughed when you rubbed at your cheek. "Saints, Rietveld, I only meant to point out that you're grinning."

"Am I not allowed to grin?"

"You're allowed. But it's a little funny that you're grinning at the same time that your heart is beating incredibly loud. Even more funny that both these things happen whenever your travel companion up there glances back at you."

You pursed your lips. "He's looking back at both of us, just making sure we're all still together."

"I assure you, he's not looking at me." She tilted her head at you, lowering her voice just a touch more. "Did something happen between you two?"

"No."

"Your heart skips when you lie."

"Tamar," you whined.

She raised her hands. "I don’t judge. If something happened–perhaps something romantic–I'm happy for you, both of you."

The arrival at a restaurant halted the conversation, but you gave an appreciative press of your hand to Tamar’s shoulder.

……….

After dinner the four of you stayed with the associate of Nikolai's. But your host only had two free single beds, which you insisted Tamar and Tolya take. That left one couch and a few blankets on the floor of the living room for you and Nikolai, but neither of you minded; there seemed to be an unspoken agreement between you that you would be sleeping together from now on, so if that meant you were sleeping on the floor, then so be it.

The pair of you laid out the blankets on the floor after the others had all gone to bed. You paused for a moment, your eyes following Nikolai as he fluffed his pillow. You absentmindedly carded a finger through his golden hair.

“You really have to go red again?” You asked him.

He set down his pillow and turned to you. “Yes, my dear.”

You sat down on the blankets, glancing at Nikolai. “I suppose that’s alright. Sturmhond is pretty handsome.”

“I’m glad you think so. You’ll be seeing him for a while after tomorrow.”

You didn't mind that, his tailored appearance was just as attractive as his true form, though you were a little attached to his hazel eyes and blonde hair. But he was returning to an image you were also familiar with, so it couldn't be bad.

“So," you began. "Tamar knows about you and me.”

“I figured she would.” He eased onto his back, beckoning you to join him. "Was she tough on you?"

You shimmied nearer to him. "No, she was fine, just teased me a little."

"Couldn't be worse than Tolya's reaction."

"Tolya knows?"

"He's a heartrender too, remember? I don't imagine he wouldn’t know." He drew his thumb over your knuckles. "He kept quoting poetry and saying I should speak the passages to you to 'further your attraction to me.'"

"Please don't ever quote one of Tolya's passages to me."

"I can't make any promises. One of his poems was actually quite sweet."

You sidled up to Nikolai, hugging around his middle and relishing in him and the warmth he emanated. You pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. "Let's hear it, then."

His words reverberated through your head as you lay there on his chest. The rumbling gave you peace, and you closed your eyes. You'd never been as calm and content as this. You might just have to thank Nikolai for the tranquility he brought you. But before he finished his poem, before you could tell him how peaceful he made you, you drifted off to sleep, only Nikolai on your mind.

..........

FOURTH YEAR - KAZ 

The streets of Ketterdam weren't particularly crowded as Kaz made his way to the Crow Club. He passed by the Fifth Harbour, stopping for a moment to stare at the ships and schooners. He would still be early for his work if he stayed there for a couple minutes. Besides, it hadn't been a spectacular week of business at the Crow club, just the usual, and he knew he wouldn't be missed if he was only on time and not fifteen minutes early as he usually was.

He was glad to have a job and a place with the Dregs. His job was fine, not great, and he worked hard to make himself known among the liars and cheats whose world he had entered. But Kaz wanted more.

He was thirteen and hungry. He hadn't felt the pangs of starvation since joining the Dregs, but he felt a similar ache as he watched men like his leader, Per Haskell, build his empire on the backs of people like Kaz. He saw these men and he saw their weak spots, the tremours in their brows and the softness in their hearts; they would topple one day, someone just had to pull the rug out from beneath them.

But Kaz was patient. He wasn't his brother, rushing into Pekka Rollins trap under the pretense that he and his siblings could make a fortune off their small inheritance. Kaz had a determination that would see him through. And one day, he would be strong enough to be a leader with riches his siblings never could have dreamed of. 

Kaz surveyed the rotting docks and run-down schooners bobbing in the water of the Fifth Harbour. It was a shame the spot wasn't nicer; properly fixed up, it would be a great location for tourists and merchandise to flood into the Barrel. It killed him a little to wonder how much money there was to be made here, how much potential was being overlooked.

He watched one of the ship's masts as it nudged side to side in the wind. It was blustery nights like this that he pictured his sister on one of those schooners, sailing away to a brand new life. He often wondered where she left for after the Queen's Lady plague had run its course. It did him no good to dwell on the matter, but he couldn't help the morbid little curiosity.

The first thing Kaz did once he was off the sickboat and on dry land again was go to the office she worked at. He stood outside all day and night, waiting for her to go in or out, but she didn't show. Of course, Stadwatch saw a grimy little boy outside the glimmering building and cleared him away. Still, Kaz went back every day that week and watched for his sister.

He tried to file a missing person's report with the Stadwatch, tried to find anyone who might help him find his only remaining family, but no one took him seriously. When he told people his story they all seemed to come to the same conclusion. His sister either moved on and sailed away, or she trifled with the wrong people and was dead in an alley somewhere. 

But Kaz knew his sister, knew she was the most sensible person in Kerch; she would steer completely clear of any swindlers or brutes, especially after what happened with Hertzoon--or Pekka Rollins, as Kaz had discovered. She didn't have Jordie around anymore to talk her into trouble. No, it was more likely that she was halfway across the world.

It was four years now since the scam, the sickness, since his sister left, and Kaz found himself in the Harbour more and more. Sometimes he passed it by, other times he would sit by the nearest building and look at the bobbing masts as though they were trees waving in the breeze. He would sit there and wait for a ship to come in that might carry her.

If she came back, Kaz could shrug off the name he gave himself and be a Rietveld again. His family could move back to the countryside, or they could leave Kerch all together. He didn't care. He just wanted his sister back. He just didn't want to be alone anymore.

..........

A/N: Thanks for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment if you want to read more, I really appreciate the feedback! The next part will take a little while. If you want to be tagged please comment on this part or send me an ask. Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Part 5

Taglist:

@babyblue-chaos @mischiefmanaged71  @red-ace-in-space @gabby10100 @rosexdenis @tayswiftlovebot @cecebridgerton @houseoftwistedspirits @gxdsmonsters @sweet0pia-uwu @starrynightsil @ell0ra-br3kk3r @knmendiola @lyria-skyfall @adharanotfound @kato-ptris @unicornfairytail @milkshake0 @inluvkai @wwwlusspace @for-writing-shit @stickyfictioninwriting @4-everm-0-re @reidwritess @fallonaurr @meg-the-second-greatest  @justsomecreaturewandering @madnessinwrighting @goldenpoison @theghostofshadows @bilesxbilinskixlahey @wolfmoonmusic @nyctophiliiiiaaa @avengers-assemble123456 @catzpawn @angelhxneyy @alinasmcu @itshardtopickaname @pomagranteseeds @tvdfandomlover @redroomwidows @minamay118 @luvly-writer @riot-in-my-soul @bl6o6dy @katiemrty @wolfiealina @mysticalfuncollectorus @beauty--is-terror @6000-fandoms @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @bleucoffeecup @almostjollypizza @halfofagayallofaqueer @lollulroofl @demonstookmysoul @blathena @carelessreadersstuff @thatwhorethatlikesbooks @losers-club6 @earth-to-lottie @unwanted-15 @riot-in-my-soul

#nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai lantsov fanfic #kaz brekker x sister!reader #kaz brekker x reader #grishaverse fanfic #nine long years

[euphoniumpets]

All of the girls you loved before | Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld! Reader

Summary: You never thought falling in love with the captain of hummingbird, yet alone the prince of Ravka.

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld! Reader

A/N: i missed writing one-shots of my favorite characters and this came up my mind since i'm a sucker for the reader being Kaz's sister and something about taylor swift song send me feelings about this one.

Warnings: pure fluff, just some slight ptsd.

old masterlist | navi | new masterlist

Of all the plans you conjured over the years, this had to be, by far, the morst risky, inconvenient, fragile, stupid plan yet. Maybe you'd been a little vague from the moment you saw the private ship and decided to board on it when you left Ketterdam.

You'd always wanted to venture out into the world, seeing the possiblities and what's out there, unlike your brother, Kaz Brekker. When Jordie died, you two were never the same. You succumbed into the darkness and you tried everything in your power to survive of the cold streets of Ketterdam.

You swore that day to yourself that you would not be there again, trying to figure out on how to survive. Because that's what you two did, despite seeking out the vengance you longed for, you longed for the freedom.

Leaving Ketterdam was the hardest part since you would not have your brother next to you at all times. Kaz had been at your side ever since Jordie died, not letting go of you since he was afraid that the same thing would happen to you.

But you assured him that you would be fine and that you would send letters when you had time to assure him that you was alive and well. Inej and Jesper was sad that little Brekker was going out and you wished that Inej could be there with you, but some day when someone didn't owe her, you would tell her about the adventures and someday, the two of you would venture out in the world together.

Jesper had handed you guns that he had bought in order to ''keep you safe''. Although, you didn't want to admit it, but the guns were pretty useful and you understood why know he had the passion for his guns since he would always talk about them.

And so you did say goodbye to the city who caused you harm and ventured out in the world. With your ability to blend in with your Ravka accent and your clothing, you got on board with no trouble at all.

You got settled in quickly by the crew at the Hummingbird, and Sturmhond, the captain was kind enough to lend you a room. Tamar was the only one who ever questioned your background over the years, but you kept quiet about it.

Of course, Sturmhond knew your story was patchy, but he also understood running from your past was better than anyone. The relationship between you and Sturmhond started suddenly, nobody saw it coming, including the two of you. He didn't see coming the ability to shamelessly flirt with you, or when his heart would jump whenever you was near him.

Despite when Alina Starkov and Mal had arrived at the hummingbird was the recognition in their eyes when they knew that you was there. Being the great friends that the three of you were, they didn't say anything.

You were glad that they decided to keep their mouth shut, and in return, you helped them to find the Sea Whip along with Sturmhond. You and Alina talked about there was something about your captain that the two of you couldn't put the finger on it, but you never discussed it further.

Then the groups were splitting up, and it was only you and Sturmhond in the room. The plan was discussed in detail, turning over and over. He knew that you were intelligent, and you knew that he was lying to you. Maybe a little to intelligent for your liking, but that's what you had been when you and your brother would plan the heist together.

''There's just one thing, before we join hands and whatever we do, I want to know exactly who i'm running with,'' Sturmhond replied and looked up from the map. You looked at him with an amused expression.

''Who are you really?'' He asked.

''I should ask you the same,'' You replied and crossed your arms. Your eyes narrowed at your captain. ''I see,'' He replied before closing the door.

''Nikolai Lantsov,'' He spoke, waiting for your reaction. It didn't came a surprise to you, knowing that he struck a deal with Jesper and Kaz when they returned back to Ketterdam. ''Y/N Brekker, I figure out that you're the one who struck a deal with my brother,'' You responded.

''Indeed,'' He responded. ''Now, why are you here?'' He asked and went back to his position. ''I already told you from the beginning,'' You rolled your eyes. ''And I guess your answer still stays the same?'' He asked.

''Yes?'' You replied, although, your answer sounded more as a question.

''So, how much does this change?'' You frowned. ''About us,'' He explained.

''Nothing,'' You answered and you saw him approaching closer to you.

''Really?'' He asked and you felt him coming closer to your body. You froze and didn't dare to move.

''Really,'' You answered. You looked up from the ground, meeting his hazel brown eyes. You took a deep breath, preparing for the feeling of drowning. It had always been like that after Jordie died, you couldn't stand other people's touch, just like Kaz had been with others. It made you feel drownsy, like you couldn't breathe as the water suffocated your lungs while you tried to catch your breath.

But some people were able to pull you out and some people were Nikolai and suddenly, you didn't felt like drowning, but instead, floating around with peace.

#kaz brekker x sister reader #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov #alina starkov #malyen oretsev #jesper fahey #inej gafha #nikolai lantsov x brekker reader #nikolai lantsov x rietveld reder #shadow and bone

[the-sound-of-her-wings]

Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

❀ Premise: You have a panic attack. Inej and Kaz comfort you. Based on this ask. ❀ Pairing: GN!Reader x Kaz Brekker, GN!Reader x Inej Ghafa ❀ Word Count: 1,115 ❀ Content Warnings: Description of a panic attack, thunderstorms, fluff

It catches up to all of us, eventually. That overwhelming feeling of dread that you can never quite put your finger on, your mind running endlessly yet producing nothing. Your heart races, your stomach turns- you become completely consumed with your own inner world to the point the one outside of your head doesn’t exist. It squeezes every semblance of coherent thought out of your mind until all that’s left is instinctual fear. 

You sit on the edge of your bed, glancing out the window as the rain beats against it. You can barely make anything out at this time of night, but the occasional strike of lighting shows you that everything is as it should be. So why do you feel like the world is ending? 

You stand, bare feet touching the cold wood floor. It creaks underneath you, adding to your unease. You leave your room, your safe haven, trying to out run something that exists in your mind. 

Standing in the hallway, you feel more at ease. Had you suddenly developed a fear of thunderstorms you hadn’t had before? That seemed unlikely, given the amount you’ve lived through at this point. You stay still for a while, unsure of where to go next. 

Lightning strikes, lighting up the end of the hallway in a brilliant flash. The thunder hits less than a second after, far to close for comfort. You exhale heavily and stumble, completely caught off guard. Your mind is flooded by the same sentence over and over again I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.

A door at the end of the hallway opens, and you look over at it, terrified. 

“Y/N?” Inej asks. “Are you okay?” 

You shake your head no, unable to speak. 

She dashes over to you, though her footsteps make no sound. You feel one of her hands on your back, in between your shoulder blades, and the other holding your wrist, guiding you forward toward the open door. 

Inej can feel how tense you are under her touch, especially in your shoulders. It’s like she’s touching a rock. She’s seen Kaz like this before, has had him freeze like this under her touch even when he wanted it. She’s done the same. Inej remembers when her shoulders used to tense like yours, the pain it caused. She rubs your upper back lightly as you make your way into the room. 

Kaz is sitting in a chair in the far corner, reading a book under candle light. He glances at the door as the two of you walkthrough it and continues to hold his gaze when he sees the fear in your eyes. There is nothing else behind them- not even recognition. He closes his book and grabs his cane, making his way over to you. 

The thunder booms overhead once more, and you freeze completely, even with Inej encouraging you to move to the bed. 

“Y/N,” Kaz says as he gets closer. 

There is a brief glimmer of recognition in your eyes through the panic.

“Kaz,” You reply, “I think I’m having a panic attack.”

“You are,” Kaz replies, closing the door behind you with his cane. He takes a seat on the bed. 

“You should sit,” Inej encourages, letting go of your wrist to gesture towards the bed. 

You take a step forward and pause, your whole body beginning to shake. You take a step backwards, causing Inej to remove her hand. You keep walking backwards until you hit the door. You slide down it, sitting on the floor, staring blankly ahead. 

Inej sits down next to you on your right side. Kaz sighs, not really wanting to get up again, but he does it anyway. He knows you need him, too. He sits down on your left. 

“Have you always been scared of thunder?” Inej asks, caressing the back of your right hand with her thumb. 

“I don’t think it’s the thunder I’m scared of,” You reply. 

The thunder roars above, but you don’t flinch this time. You don’t react at all.

“What are you thinking about?” Kaz asks, his hand resting your thigh just above your kneecap. His bare hand, you realize. He lightly pats you every few seconds.

“I was thinking about a lot of things before this, but then it was like I had no thoughts at all. Just fear. I thought I was going to die.” You reply, bringing up your left hand to bite your nails and resting it against your lips. 

“You aren’t going to die,” Inej reassures, bringing your hand up to her lips and pressing a long, kiss against your knuckles. “You’re safe here.” 

“I know.” You reply. “How long until my heart stop racing?” You ask. 

“It shouldn’t be long now that you’re mind has come back,” Kaz states.

You sigh, removing your hand from your lips and leaning your head against his shoulder. He flinches impercetively, not expecting you to have come to him for comfort like this. He had assumed that Inej would be more appealing, since she had a better tolerance for touch than he did, even if it was not by much. 

“It might have been the dark. I’ve been having nightmares about the fold,” You say, yawning. 

“Sometimes they just happen,” Inej replies, laying her head on your shoulder, still holding on to your hand. 

You sit like that for a while, listening to the sounds of the storm outside, the rain pattering against the roof, the wind howling. 

“Can I stay here tonight?” You ask, looking up at Kaz. 

“If it will make you feel better,” He says. 

Inej lets go of your hand, and stands up. You slowly peel yourself away from Kaz, and offer your hand to help him stand. He opts to use his cane for support instead. 

“Get some rest. You need it,”  Inej says, moving to open the door you had all been sitting against.

“Where are you going?” You ask.

“I thought-” Inej begins, looking between the two of you, “You want me to stay?” 

“Why would I want you to leave?” You reply.

The three of you climb into bed, with you in the middle. There is just enough space in between you to give you some semblance of personal space, but it would be gone if you tried moving even a small amount. 

You stare up at the ceiling with Inej and Kaz beside you.

“Do you think the weather will be better tomorrow?” You ask.

You hear Kaz exhale, amused.

“I think so.” Inej says, turning towards you. 

You close your eyes, giving up your mind to slumber. There are no nightmares that night.

#kaz brekker x gn!reader #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x y/n #inej ghafa x reader #inej x reader #kanej x reader #title is the song tomorrow will be kinder by the secret sisters #aspiring thanatologist writes

[shawty-writes-a-little]

From Eden 3.

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part4]

Darkling x brekker!reader

Summary: Summary: The crows find out about the Aleksander facade, Kaz has very civil reaction to his sister

Word count: 5.3k (sorry it took so long)

An: does anyone know how to get the “read more” thingy? Someone told me but I forgot

—

Jesper quickly stopped y/n crossing his arms at the exit door from the lab given both Wylan and y/n were situated at the lab as a sort of safer space, their cleaner record and Kaz proclaimed their inability to fight. "Slow down are you really alright?" Jesper asked her with furrowed brows as he stood in front.

"Yes-yes huh uh yes..." Y/n nodded frantically trying her best to compose her heavy breath after the dream, which is what she wanted to call it but it did not feel like one. Both Jesper and Wylan sat her down on the sofa again taking their seats on the chairs across her.

"You look a bit shaken y/n are you sure you are fine?" Wylan urged, he was in the lab as she made small talk before drifting off to sleep and she seemed just fine to him then.

"It—it was just a dream!" She exclaimed rubbing her eyes as she tried to settle back, overcoming the feeling. She had a lot of things going on at the moment to figure out herself, being kaz's sister she never had a problem being stoic or hiding something as drastic as loosing the love of your life. Truly, the siblings had mastered not letting any major problem show on their face. However y/n realised her grief was getting heavier than she panned out to be-the dream about Aleksander? Seeing him, his touch in her dream it felt so heavy.

"What was it about? You can talk to us..." Wylan said with a wide smile and comforting tone.

"You have been really offset ever since you got back" Jesper added "Whats wrong? Is it about pekka? The kidnapping?"

"No no-not that no" Y/n shook her head, loosing Aleksander weighed over all her other problems. She had trusted Jesper with a lot of don't-tell-kaz situations before and she was aware even when Aleksander was alive, when she were to break the news to all of them Jesper would be the first one. She wasn't so sure about the demo boy though "Could we perhaps talk alone? Because well I can't have Kaz know."

Jesper firstly was taken aback and confused, she hadn't gotten her hands on a lot stuff ever since she got back to ketterdam what could she possibly have done in this much time. "I won't tell Kaz!" Wylan exclaimed, he knew y/n meant she wanted to speak to just Jesper but he was keen to know.

Y/n looked at Jesper with an unsure look, "I promise! I won't tell him anything I swear" Wylan urged, he knew y/n could not trust him with her secrets not that he had given her a reason, he was just new. But he meant to hear her out.

"You can trust him" Jesper said with an assuring shrug to include Wylan in whatever sordid tale she had. However, as she told them about it, Aleksander, almost getting married. The two just blankly stared at her, out of all the wildest things to ever happen nothing could've prepared them for this.

As y/n finished narrating she sat a few moments in silent as the two just stared at her with wide eyes as if she had declared a new regime "Will you two say something?"

"The darkling?" Jesper asked, to be confirm for one he had to be confirmed eight times if the darkling he knew was the darkling she was talking about and all eight times he'd want her to be wrong. "The darkling? The general? The grisha general?"

"Yes. Yes him." Y/n nodded with her lips curled into a thin awkward smile, she never had to break the news to anyone at little palace given everyone knew of their intimacy however her own friends. Jesper seemed far too stunned than she had originally imagined.

"The shadow summoner?" Wylan asked as well, as he did some hand gestures to resemble him "Kirigan? General Kirigan you mean?"

"Yes!" Y/n confirmed again in a high pitched voice getting irritated by the second as it was getting hard to figure out if they were confused of horrified.

"Almost marrying him?!" Jesper whisper yelled as he looked over his shoulder to the door to see if no one was overhearing. "When did you plan to tell us?"

"I did! I was planning on coming here to say it myself because the letters were too formal-"

"Have you lost your mind?!" Jesper said as he stood up pacing around the room. "Did you not once think what would've happened if Kaz knew about this from someone else and-"

"I never intended to keep it hidden!" Y/n said raising her brows, in truth she never did. However her older brother was complicated and she knew even if she was with a nice white collar man Kaz would have his dramatic theories so Aleksander was far from ideal however she did plan to tell Kaz before everything went downhill. "But—he isn't here anymore. There is no point."

"Kaz is right down the-" Wylan tried to tell y/n if she still planned to let him know.

"I meant Aleksander..." Y/n said interrupting her as he replied with a dejected 'oh' of his misinterpretation.

"You do realise he will find out eventually right?" Jesper asked crossing his arms. "I wish I never asked you what was wrong." He said still panicking as he paced around

"What do you mean? I don't plan on telling Kaz anymore he will make a big fuss about it how would he know?" Y/n asked with an obvious tone.

"He always finds out." Wylan agreed staring off as he realised Kaz would find out about his sister's affairs, worst thing you could find yourself be involved in "I'm sorry but I wish you wouldn't have told me either because when he finds out I'll be involved as the one who did not tell him beforehand."

"Why you wanted to know!" Y/n exclaimed truly surprised by their rather regretful behaviour "Look—Kaz won't find out. I have mastered hiding stuff from him he will not find out from me and the only other people who do know are across the fold. Despite of all that...Aleksander is dead." She said with a dejected huff as she tried to hide it as if it didn't mean anything to her "It doesn't account for anything even if Kaz does find out."

"And to think I almost shot at your husband to be" Jesper said with a playful scoff as both y/n and Wylan shot him a too-soon look. "Sorry" he muttered and sat on the chair across y/n again.

"If I'd known what he was going to do I swear I never would've gotten you Kaz and Inej on the ship that day trust me I did not know he—" Y/n began to ramble as Jesper nodded interrupting her midway.

"Of course!" Jesper scoffed in an obvious manner, he didn't even need to be reassured that y/n wouldn't ever put their lives at stake. "That's alright I know that-it's just well you and Kirigan...I never would've expected that." Jesper had only ever seen her as the girl who begged him to teach her card tricks and how to swing a gun to make you look intimidating, how to tie shoe laces, he had always seen kaz's sister as his own and her making big decisions at all was a bit emotional.

"I know!" Y/n replied exhaling with downcasting her gaze. She knew it was difficult to explain her situation with Aleksander, what he'd done in the past was his past. All she had known of him from when she first knew him wasn't that man, it wasn't the man who made the fold it was the man who'd bring the world to its knees for her, he was her Aleksander but there was no way she could explain that without sounding like a dumbfounded idiot who couldn't see past him. All of that yet after he died she couldn't hold what he did wrong against him because what hurt more is she never got a goodbye, "He hurt a lot of people. He did a bad thing and I do not endorse that" she reasoned and reached out for her side pocket and took a ring in front of the two "But I just—I just can't seem to let go off him" she said as he voice cracked and she held the ring between her fingers, not wearing it, she simply stared at it as if it was his face.

"Your grief is just as valid y/n" Wylan urged as he leaned forward "Loosing someone you loved is difficult and because he hurt people doesn't mean you don't get to grieve. You loved him despite of what he was, you loved him. And however wrong it might sound you-"

"No no it's alright." Y/n shrugged off clearing her throat, she hated being consoled or comforted not because of the sense of vulnerability. From what she'd learned from Kaz she had known that in order to deal with your wearies you never tell anyone in on it. The only way. "I am not going to weep about it all my days I have grieved enough I am alright." She raised her brows with an unserious shrug. Being way more familiar with bottling her emotions than letting it out there was a sense of comfort on holding onto something she'd always known. The only person she would always have was herself, that's how Kaz dealt with everything and so did she. The only person who tried to break these walls of her was Aleksander, would she admit that it worked? But would it matter now? Aleksander was gone, the walls were back up and the unnamed emptiness inside of her grew amongst the heavy weight of his absence.

—

In a fortnight or so Kaz brought back all they'd lost to pekka, not necessarily all whom him and y/n had lost. But still, the crow club however much in ash, they had it back. Their stadwatch off reputation and life back up out of the underground. Settling into their old rooms again y/n could barely recall it being over three days or so, a knock bringing out the most of unexpected of news with a new job proposals for the 'thieves'. "Inside inside inside!" Jesper exclaimed hurriedly as he stood in y/n's way from coming down the stairs. "Don't!"

"What is happening?" Y/n asked stepping back given the obvious fright on Jesper's face it seemed her presence downstairs could be difficult in a way. However there were no sounds of gunshot or fight being heard from down the stairs just a faint discussion.

"Zoya. The Etherealki? She is here!" Jesper explained as he looked over his shoulder warming y/n about it. He had known from the grisha order and poise way of speaking she was a previous little palace resident who must known of the general and y/n like she had mentioned the other day.

"Zoya?" Y/n asked confused, "Nazyalensky? What? What is she doing here?!"

"A turn of events actually..." He chuckled nervously unsure what would be the right tone to lay this news on her "The general is alive." He paused a bit to let her comprehend that "They want us to steal the Neshyener because our general dear has apparently had some modifications over the course of being well dead but at the moment he isn't actually he wasn't to begin with—"

"What?" Y/n asked standing stunned and not capturing any word after 'the general is alive' "He is alive? What?" She repeated the same question yet Jesper did not seem to be joking about it as he nodded "How? He-he is what? Aleksander?! Aleksander is alive?!" She asked in a frustrated tone as all the emotions of glee, anger and dejection went through her in just two seconds.

"Yes that is the news Zoya and her corporalki accomplice brought in they—" before Jesper could finish the news y/n was already moving past him rushing down the stairs. "No y/n wait—" Often he did not keep Kaz's secretl well if only from Inej, Jesper preferred letting her know if he wasn't explicitly told. However he tend to take y/n's secrets to his grave because they had a history of dont-let-Kaz-know between them. Situations Inej could get them out of, however this was the first time that if Inej knew she would be far more disappointed.

At the moment as y/n rushed down the stairs she did not even think what she'd tell Kaz "What happened? Alek—Kirigan is what?" She asked frantically.

"He is alive apparently." Kaz said with a distasteful expression at his mention, already in a bad mood from his affronted dialogues with Inej.

"H-how? How though? Didn't he die-that day in the fold-didn't he-?" Y/n asked still comprehending this mountain of a discourse on her. Wylan shared an awkward frown with Jesper from across the room as she shrugged in replying with a gesture that couldn't keep her from rushing down her.

"The worst ones always make it out apparently." Inej commented with a nod, her belief in santka Alina was enough to fuel all possible despise for Kirigan.

Taking a deep breath in y/n nodded "Huh-so-oh-so that...so that is true?" She asked however it was more of an admission to herself.

Kaz was a bit zoned out already planning on how to steal the Nesheneyer not so quick to pick up on whatever crisis y/n seemed to be having, however Inej caught on "Are you alright, y/n?" She asked her in a soft tone.

"Mhm" she cleared her throat realising the weight of this news in the room, she straightened her back crossing her arms as if she wasn't more concerned about this than the rest of them "Yes I am just-I am surprised how he just—still alive. That—that rascal!" She said with a scoff to seem oblivious on the information she held on. Hoping Nina wouldn't pick up on her heartbeat, however Kaz did. Not on her heartbeat but on the way she spoke, she never often spoke half or delayed words.

Before Kaz could make a remark on that Zoya spoke "If it isn't the wedding bells I hear!" This is what Jesper tried to warn y/n about. Well not that she had volunteered to come down to the war zone she might as well face it.

"Zoya, don't." Y/n scowled hoping she would keep her jokes and remarks to herself because it was a time bomb waiting to tick off.

"What?" Kaz asked as he studied the amused reaction from Zoya that unsettled his sister "What wedding bells?"

"Zoya..." y/n urged again pleading with her eyes, it would be so much better to come up with a lie for Kaz later than have the whole scene unfold in front of everyone, not that she minded everyone but she was still getting over the news she had just gotten of Aleksander being alive.

Zoya looked around the room for once, everyone's expression oblivious as if they didn't know what she meant to imply, they truly did not. "You haven't told them have you?" She huffed.

"Told us what?" Kaz asked raising a sharp brow.

"Yes uh what-what is it that we most definitely do not know?" Wylan added trying to act just as unknown as the rest of them to whatever information was about to follow.

"Now is not the time alright?" Y/n said to Zoya shaking her head at her as she disregarded kaz's question.

"Your sister was about to get married" Zoya said as she smiled at y/n she was clearly delighted to be the one to relay this information, Kaz already had his face scrunched in a frown however Zoya added "To Kirigan."

"What nonsense!" Kaz said as he clashed his cane on the floor and stood from his chair. He did not even need to ask his sister wether this was true or not he practically knew that couldn't simply be true.

Taking a leap of confidence onto kaz's trust in her y/n stepped forward standing next to Kaz as she scoffed in disbelief at Zoya "You make up lies like these about other people is why your own life is so miserable!"

"Oh? I am the one who is making up the lie?" Zoya replied raising her brows at the sheer audacity of her to deny it with such confidence "We had wedding preparations going on for her and the general, resumed due to the winter fete." Nina could tell that Zoya wasn't lying as she pried on her heartbeat. However she kept it to herself truly not wanting to believe that kaz's sister almost married Kirigan. She wouldn't have wanted to believe so for anyone.

"Bullshit." Kaz scoffed once again with his unwavering belief of his sister's way of life, he had been writing letters to her all her time being at the little palace and she would often visit ketterdam whilst there, she never once mentioned the Kirigan. If it was as far stretched as marriage surely she would've told him.

"Do I look like I have the time and patience to fool around a group of thieves?" Zoya retorted.

"Don't flatter yourself it would take eight of you to fool the lot of us" Jesper quipped a bit offended at being referred to as a 'crook'

"Jes." Inej said keeping him from further comments, not that she minded it but the tension over y/n getting married to the shadow summoner was far worse for quips and witty remarks.

"Alright yes sure Zoya! You are absolutely right! I most definitely was madly in love with the general and I was about to get married to him and yet this entire time I did not tell my only brother about it!" Y/n remarked sarcastically throwing her hands in the air in exasperation as if she was genuinely being falsely accused.

"Y/n isn't lying." Nina said this time with wide and confused eyes.

"See!" Y/n exclaimed "Thank you Nina!"

"No—you weren't lying about what you just said. Your heartbeat was steady" Nina added shaking her head to clear when exactly y/n wasn't lying.

"See!" Zoya exclaimed further with the same smug smile she had the entire time.

"Enough of this." Kaz said "Y/n, tell me the truth." He demanded as he turned to his sister who did not say anything further which secretly worried him a bit to even wonder that Zoya was right "Y/n..." He spoke again as his sister looked down to her feet but he leaned lower to follow her gaze.

"It's not that I did not wanted to tell you trust me I was about to-" y/n rambled rushing to her defence as she was aware no amount of denying could let it get past Kaz now. Gasps went across the room yet Jesper and Wylan seemed to be the most shocked as they played it out.

"You..." Kaz seethed as he felt the weight of the world crushing on his shoulders "You imbecile! You bloody imbecile! Do you have any idea what kind of a-"

"Do not raise your voice at me!" Y/n exclaimed furrowing her brows, she knew e was partially in the wrong "Do not raise your voice at me!" She said raising her voice the same volume as his.

"When were you planning on telling me?! At my funeral? Or when I'm in my grave?" Kaz scoffed at her with a million other things and questions to stay brewing inside him, at the moment he was so angry to say it all at once.

"This—this is exactly why I didn't tell you before because I knew you would react this way—this" she pointed between them "this dramatically!" Y/n exhaled placing her palms on her face as she tried to calm herself.

"What exactly was it between you and that heretic?" Kaz asked with a distasteful expression.

"Well" Y/n looked around the room to stall but the horrified faces of everyone just made it worse "We were—romantically involved and it just-"

"What were you even thinking?" Kaz said as his face twisted in disgust and he strolled across the room "No-what was I thinking?" He emphasised on 'I' "Sending you to little palace so you're safer there amongst your own grisha, but this entire time your foolishness was the problem? It was my fault to think you might just act your age and do anything BUT marry the worst possible man to ever walk the land but you exceed all expectations y/n!"

"Stop patronising me! I understand I should've told you earlier and I am sorry. But you are acting as if I committed an unspeakable crime!" Y/n exclaimed to her defence as she shrugged, she never considered her and Aleksander a mistake even after what he did. She simply had far better memories, a life on a more beautiful phase of itself and she did not plan to make it revolve around 'what would Kaz think of this'

"How long has this been going on?" He asked y/n yet when she did not reply with an unbothered expression so he turned to Zoya "hmm?"

"Five years or so..." Zoya said truthfully and tolya gave her look. She wasn't adding fuel to the fire, her intention may have been it but she was just being truthful.

"Four and a half." Y/n corrected rolling her eyes and Kaz's face was almost seething with uncontrollable anger, those around him had only ever seen him like this for a handful of time, so angry that he wasn't even scheming.

"You are so awfully naive" Kaz said with an irritated huff "Who else knew about this?" He asked out and turned at the faces of the rest of the crow, neither Nina nor Inej had any input. Jesper had a rather solemn face as well however Wylan's eyes were darted off everywhere else in the room "Wylan?"

"I did not know beforehand she just told me prior this week and I had no idea it would be something this huge but Jesper and I had promised her we won't tell you." Wylan blurted out, as Kaz has expected.

Jesper shut his eyes in disbelief "Wow" he mouthed at Wylan "Kirigan was presumed dead at the time otherwise we would've surely informed you."

"Oh how thoughtful of you Jesper. Tomorrow if he dies again be sure to hide things from me because what does it matter then?" Kaz rebuked and turned to y/n again "Do you realise y/n? That if all the morons in the entirety of the world had to come together and pick a leader you would surely would have no competition!"

"You are upset and I understand that but you aren't entitled to say whatever that comes to your mind because I did not tell you one thing" Y/n replied as she crossed her arms.

"I have had to protect you all my life." he spits out before he can stop himself. He's never spoken these words aloud. He's always just done it and made sure to never say it, but his emotions are all over the place right now. "I've had to keep you safe from everything so I believe I do  have the right to be angry when you do something so stupid."

"I am sorry you did not left me in an alleyway or something when we were younger truly sorry to take up so much of your life!" Y/n scoffed letting out a dejected huff, it was just a bit affronting the way he spoke about having to keep her safe "All you did was have me hide somewhere or send me away to keep me safe—that is even after crow club. To you it is-I am your responsibility before your family."

"I think we are all just crossing lines we don't mean to we can have this conversation later—"Inej tried to reason and have the siblings to stop fighting.

"No let him have at his melodrama." Y/n said with a grimacing "You know instead of all this slander if you had started planning on how we get the Nesheneyer-"

"We?" Kaz stopped her mid sentence "We" he pointed to the rest of the room "We are getting the Nesheneyer. You are not coming with us."

"What? No-what why? All of the crows are going why not me?" She asked a bit surprise that Kaz would exempt her out of nowhere.

"All of the crows did not almost get married to a monster and did not tell me about it." Kaz said as he raised his brows at her in a matter-of-fact attitude.

"What does that have to do with this? You cannot just hold that against me!" Y/n exclaimed in a high pitched voice.

"I can hold that against you. I am holding that against you." Kaz said firmly.

Y/n was getting hugely irritated at Kaz's decisions on how and where she should be situated "Well fine. Do as you must but you do realise you cannot just hold me back? I can come along on my own."

"How so?" He asked in disbelief and total faith she could not get anywhere across borders on her own.

"To serve Ravaka." Y/n replied bluntly, truly wasnt her reason but whatever worked.

"You do realise Ravaka's enemy at the moment is Kirigan himself? The man you were indulged with for five years and almost married? He is a traitor to Ravaka which makes you one as well." Kaz explained.

"We have the same blood so if I'm a traitor then you're a traitor." Y/n replied sharply.

"I can disown you then." Kaz replied with a shrug completely unbothered by the idea.

"You don't have enough time for the papers." Y/n reminded him, being disowned was kaz's very overused threat to her to stop her from doing what he did not want her to. It only ever worked until she was ten later she just came to realise he was always bluffing, even now.

"I will forge the papers." Kaz said having one solution after another, not that he would do it but just letting her know it was possible for him to do so.

"Then I will forge a passport." Y/n replied crossing her arms.

"I will lock you behind ten metal doors!" Loosing his patience to deal with his conversation Kaz exclaimed, he already had a lot more to say to her about going behind his back to run rendezvous with the darkling.

"I would love to see you try let's see if you have both hands by the end of it." Y/n threatened as Nina let out an exhale of 'saints' the siblings were getting on each other's nerves.

"I said you are not going then you are not going!" Kaz said letting out a heavy breath thinking his word would be the last.

"You are such a prick!" Y/n gave him a shove agitated that he wasn't even trying to consider what she had to say.

"I am trying to protect you!" He poked her arm with his cane in response to her shove truly leaving all the patience for a civil conversation.

That was it, the siblings were at each other's throat after that quite literally throwing hands at one another. Kaz held his sister by her collar as she tried lunge at him a few punches or so "You raggedy little man stop trying to sabotage my life!" She yelped as they continued pushing and shoving each other, throwing hands in an attempt to get the upper hand. 

"That monster of your you almost married wasn't sabotaging your life?!" Kaz exclaimed poking her with his cane again once she kicked him, he bed a firm upper hand having gripped her by her collar to keep her from reaching to scratch at his face. "Got manipulated for five years almost into a marriage and I am the one sabotaging your life?"

"It isn't what you make it out to be. I dare you say that again-"

"Manipulated. He manipulated you. You dimwit-"

"You son of a bitch—" She was about to swear at him more when he tugged at her hair "Ow. Ow-ow." She struggled yet managing to continuing kicking him.

"We have the same mother!" He reminded her, the rest of them present in the room knew they had to intervene at some point. Inej was the first to take a step. Nina, Jesper and Wylan followed too with much struggle to get the two to separate.

Tolya gave his input as well, he simply lift y/n off Kaz as Nina stood in front of her and the others managed to get Kaz to stop poking at her with his cane "I will kill you!" She yelled at her brother still waving her legs in air to reach him.

"Not if you die first!" He screamed back struggling against the barrier of Jesper, Wylan and Inej.

"Enough..." Nina urged the two of them "Enough of this. Nobody is dying."

Kaz inhaled a sharp breath as he straightened his coat and tried to calm himself "Put me down!" Y/n exclaimed as tolya still had her mid air, and she scoffed irritatedly as she stared down Kaz. She knew if she treaded there same way with him again it would be of no point. She took a deep breath to collect herself as she rubbed her eyes.

"You can throw all the tantrums you want but you are not going with us. It is far too dangerous as it is and how do I know you won't run off to your beloved monster?" Kaz snapped as he attempted to leave the room, not wanting to have any more of this conversation he was already disappointed and mad for y/n about her and the general.

"I won't Kaz please that isn't fair I am sorry!" Y/n began with a gentler proceeding tone.

"I said no." Kaz said unmoved by her apology, even if she did mean it he was far from accepting it. He was so good at holding a grudge as it is.

"But Kaz..." her voice trailed off but Kaz was already walking out, she paced upto him "Please I am sorry I truly am. I know I upset you I was wrong and I know should've told you. Believe me I never wanted to keep you from it and I planned on telling you countless times I am sorry. I really am but for now...please let me come along. Please I have never asked you for anything all my life please just this one time let me come along." She pleaded, he could mad at her all he wished after that.

Kaz breathed in heavily as he looked like he was considering it, he looked like he did always, solemn and unreadable but if he wasn't already saying anything he was considering it. "You are not to leave my sight for once-"

"Done." Y/n replied agreeing to whatever terms he had if he planned on letting her go with him.

"You will not leave my sight for once and you are not to pull any stunts." He finished his condition with a serious expression as y/n nodded.

"I promise I won't!"

—

HI HI let me know if you want to be added to the tag list and also don’t forget to drink some water cutie

Tags: @gwenspter @sloppyzengarden @mori1b2bpad @zeeader @shitpostrandomness @duchess

#general kirigan x reader angst #general kirigan x reader #darkling x reader #general kirigan #the darkling x reader #ben barnes x reader #aleksander morozova #aleksander morozova x reader #the darkling x you #shadow and bone #kaz brekker x reader #Kaz brekker x reader platonicr #crows x reader #Kaz brekker x sister reader

[lady-ashfade]

Warmth

Nina Zenik x Child!Sister!reader.

Notes: I imagine the reader like 9-10. I just really wanted Nina so I made this. Requests are still open.

This is like a blurb/Drabble because idk the difference.

Warnings: Fluffy, a little bit of angst, very short.

You watched her hands hold the strains of your hair and worked her magic, she was braiding your hair. You missed her warmth, you missed the older sister who kept you safe. “Am I hurting you?” She asked. You shook your head and smiled at her, “Just thinking.” Shrugging your shoulders to kept her at bay, but she didn’t believe you.

“Hmm.” She finish one braid and then put her head on top yours. “You need to practice lying if you’re going to be around kaz.” You laughed at her comment. Her eyes lingered on you for a moment. She was worrying about you. “So, what’s wrong little one?”

“Just thinking how you left and I thought you were dead.” You answered in your head because couldn’t say that out loud but it was true. You had been at the little palace and training when you were tested, and you came to live with her. Then she disappeared without a word, no goodbye or anything. Then the fold expand and everyone hated grisha, you were hunted and hidden. The worst part was you had thought she was dead.

“I was just thinking of how much I missed you, I was so scared I’d never see you again. It’s just…Nice to be back with you.” Her heart broke but healed at the same time. Her arms wrapped around you and pulled you closer as she kissed your head. You smiled and giggled when she wouldn’t stop pressing little kisses on top of your head.

“I’ll always come back, little sister.” She looked up at you in the mirror. You felt whole with her back, her smile and arms wrapped around you. Closing your eyes relaxed and she went back to your hair.

It’s been nice here, even in ketterdam. The group- The crows they called themselves was interesting to get to know. You were so young they couldn’t believe what it was going to be like having you around. They all warmed up too you quickly, even kaz- Tho he didn’t admit it.

Matthias scared you. You knew who he once was but he made Nina so happy. He was a big man, and you didn’t know about him, but he never showed you any harm. “He’s a teddy bear.” Nina called him. And sometimes you could see why.

But in this moment it was just the two of you, a moment between sisters. And that was enough.

#nina zenik x reader #nina zenik #nina zenik x fem!reader #the six of crows x reader #nina zenik x sister!reader #shadow and bone x reader #kaz brekker #mattias helvar

[amsgrey]

Requests are Open again!

what!! crazy i know, i want to write some drabbles so if you have any ideas pls request them!! even if i don’t end up writing them i love reading your ideas and they often help me come up with stories for later dates!

I have been pretty busy lately University summer school (why i did this to myself i don’t know) and work etc, but it’s time to make some time for myself and what i like doing.

I would love some requests for Kaz Brekker/SOC or Halstead Sister things (we all know i’m a sucker for the halstead bros) so if ya got any thoughts!!

#jay halstead x reader #jay halstead #will halstead #chicago pd x reader #chicago med #chicago pd imagine #halstead!sister #jay halstead x sister!reader #will halstead x reader #chicago med x reader #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker #six of crows #soc #shadow and bone #six of crows x reader #nikolai lanstov x reader #nikolai lanstov #grishaverse

[starstruckwillows]

can I ask for a fic?

maybe where the reader is the runaway princess of ravka and makes her way to ketterdam and falls in love with kaz. nikolai end up in ketterdam a few years late and see her and picks up on the established relationship between dirtyhands and the ravkan princess and hes like "out of all the people in the world you fallin in love with him?!"

♡ regal rebels - k.b ♡

starstruckwillows 🂱

pairing; kaz brekker x reader

category; fluff, humour

summary; you weren't expecting to see the life you left behind in ravka arrive in ketterdam, where you've set your new life up

warnings/content; potenial but minor crooked kingdom spoilers, canon level violence

other; fem!reader, ex princess!reader, this fic may not be inclusive to all readers as reader is a ravkan princess and younger sister to nikolai lantsov <3

of all the plans kaz conjured over the years, this had to be, by far, the most risky, inconvenient, fragile plan yet.

but it was a brekker guarantee, he said, and everyone had enough confidence in it for it to work. the only wrench in the scheme was your past.

maybe you'd been a little too vague when explaining to the crows you'd fled ravka at the age of thirteen. maybe you should've clarified that the 'fleeing' was not done on basis of impending war, rather an uncomfortable arranged engagement to a man much older than you.

the small detail of being the runaway ravkan princess might have helped that explanation too.

it was enough limit-testing over the years to spend so much time with nina, terrified she'd recognize you. genya's tailoring had worn off before the two of you even met, and nina had an incredibly keen eye.

but with your ability to pick up the kerch accent quickly, the change of your wardrobe, the acquisition of all sorts of makeup, and the general avoidance of the heartrender, you'd flown under the radar so far. the two of you had never interacted in ravka either, so that may have helped. besides, thirteen and seventeen looked very different.

your worry was, luckily, misplaced. recognition, despite the years, was instant in the eyes of sturmhond, zoya, and genya, but they said nothing, not willing to compromise your identity, or the king's.

inej was the only one who had ever questioned your background over the years, but had always kept quiet about it - her job was not to pry unless kaz ordered it, and he never did.

of course he knew your story was patchy, but he also understood running from your past better than anyone, and inej's preliminary background check on any new dreg turned up nothing shady. or shadier than it should have been after two years in ketterdam.

the relationship between you had started startlingly suddenly, nobody really saw it coming, including dirtyhands himself. he also didn't see coming the ability to hold your hand, through his gloves, but that had struck him too, though less suddenly.

you worried your bottom lip with your teeth the whole time they spoke in the room together.

then the groups were splitting up, and it was only you, kaz, and sturmhond in the room. the plan was discussed in detail, turning over and over every aspect to eliminate any doubt from sturmhond's mind.

but a part of kaz was growing annoyed, and that was for two reasons. one, he knew sturmhond was lying to him. two, he also knew sturmhond had no interest in the answers kaz was giving to the privateer's constant questions.

"one more question, then. why is she here?"

you bristled, but kaz's grip remained tight on your hand, as if steeling himself as well, "she is an integral part of this crew. if you're asking why she's here, you may as well ask why i'm here."

sturmhond nodded thoughtfully, "i see. not entirely what i meant though. you know that, don't you?" he directed the last part of his words to you directly, and you cursed.

for the first time, kaz fleetingly looked confused, but masked it easily with his poker face, letting the scene play out.

"sturmhond, let's keep focused on the task at hand."

"very wall, ma'am," he turned back to kaz, "well, brekker, it's obvious you only deal in half-truths and outright lies, so you're clearly the man for the job."

kaz scanned the man's face, "there's just one thing. before we join hands and jump off a cliff together, i want to know exactly who i'm running with."

sturmhond raised a brow, giving you a look that said he's figured me out in four minutes but not you in four years, before replying, "we haven't been on a road trip or exchanged clothes, but i think our introductions were civilized enough."

his ability to twist words was second only to the man next to you.

"who are you really, privateer?"

"is this an existential question?"

"no proper thief talks the way you do."

"how narrow minded of you."

the snipy banter went back and forth until sturmhond, in way of hypothetics and theories, confirmed his identity as nikolai lantsov, young king of ravka. they hashed out the security, before closing the deal.

before he left, with the vocal intent to bathe ketterdam from his skin, he turned and shook your hand, "you can only hide for so long, we've both learnt that. i'd rather have friends discover my identity than foes. i trust i'll see you soon."

damn it, nikolai.

he poked his head back around the door, "oh, and with no offence to mr brekker, of all the people you could've fallen in love with... bastard of the barrel."

before you could jab back at him, he held his hands up in surrender, "though what can i say about being a bastard."

and he was gone.

you closed your eyes and let out a breath as you felt kaz survey you. peeking them open cautiously, you noticed he held no trace of shock in his appearance. your jaw unhinged slightly as you scoffed.

"of course you knew."

kaz tapped the head of his cane slightly, "i did not. but it makes sense enough. you never were an ordinary ravkan runaway, mainly because you were not grisha. my working theory was you'd been conscripted to the first army, and you did not want to go."

you sighed, folding your arms across your chest, "and now you know who i am?"

"i believe so. the runaway ravkan princess that devastated her family and caused a small riot in os alta, are you not?"

maybe the relief of no longer having to shield yourself from someone you loved was making you insane, but you laughed, "it's like i've been saying, i'm just that special."

there was a bitterness to your words, but kaz didn't question it. the silence caused an uncharacteristic wave of insecurity to grip you.

"how much does... er, this change?"

kaz tilted his head, eyes sweeping over you in a way that made you feel see through, "about us?"

you nodded, barely.

"absolutely nothing."

"really?"

"really."

and then he was gone to - such displays of potential emotion always had him running off. you laughed to yourself, alone in that room, but never feeling less lonely.

taglist:

@anordinarymuse @ell0ra-br3kk3r @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r

#starstruckwillows #grishaverse #grisha #ravka #kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x princess!reader #humour #fluff #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x sister!reader #nikolai lantsov x sister

[goldengoddess]

JUNE’S 2000 FOLLOWER CELEBRATION !!

˗ˋˏ introducing june’s celebration !! ˎˊ˗ genuinely don’t have the words to describe how absolutely grateful i am for all of this love. don’t know if i deserve it with my inactivity and lack of posting. but! i wanted to do something special to celebrate with y’all <3

so, thank you thank you thank you! enjoy this celebration <3 <3 <3

✩ rules for requesting: y’all are welcome to request for any of the characters that i’ve written for or character from the fandoms i’ve written about (all found on my masterlist here)

so! add the character and the type of request that you want and send it into my inbox 🫶🏼

🧸 ; send me a fluff concept and a character i’ll write a short blurb for it!

🐚 ; send a character / book / show and i’ll make a small mood board for it

☕️ ; choose a book/show couple or friend group and i’ll make a short social media au for them (you can add the situation you want as well!)

🦉; ask me to give my top five of Anything! (top five books, movies, etc)

🕯; ask me any question to get to know me better <33

this celebration will last probably for five days! (or until i get tired oops)

& i’ll be using the tag # june’s 2000 celebration

+++ please reblog and repost to spread the celebration 🫶🏼

#june’s 2000 celebration #shadow and bone #six of crows #grishaverse #kaz brekker #six of crows imagine #grisha #nina zenik #kaz brekker x reader #percy jackson #shadow and bone imagine #percy jackson and the olympians #percabeth #outerbanks #obx imagine #obx #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank #addicted series #calloway sister series #lily hale #loren hale #coballoway #marvel #mcu x reader #peter parker x reader

[jahayla-parker]

Risk : Kaz Brekker x Reader

Description: 1.7k wc. Reader is in a no-longer-secret relationship with Kaz, making her a risk to him. Will he accept such a risk?

Warnings: mentions of injuries, infections, near death, capture/kidnapping, and similar SoC topics, Kaz threatening others, protective!Kaz, themes of violence, mentions of war , confessions, mentions of romantic feelings such as love, etc.

Kaz groaned, rubbing his face with his gloved hands. He and y/n had been debating over how to handle this aspect of their relationship. Kaz had tried to keep it a secret to keep y/n safe, but it hadn’t lasted. Which was why he was now stressing out about their next steps.

A few weeks ago, a rival gang member caught wind of Dirtyhands’ relationship with y/n. And as such, decided to take advantage of the one risk Kaz allowed himself to have. They’d tried to use y/n as leverage to blackmail Brekker into giving over a decent amount of Kruge.

While Kaz was surprisingly (even to himself) willing to do so, he knew he could handle it though a different manner. Dirtyhands found the compound where y/n was at and it only took him a matter of a few minutes to get her out of there. Kaz (with the help of his other Crows) was aided in his rescue mission by y/n herself. She’d been able to free herself and find a hiding place inside the rival compound. Due to the injuries she’d suffered when fighting the capture in the first place, y/n couldn’t fully escape on her own. But, she’d done more than enough to help Kaz and the others break in and get her out with ease.

Nevertheless, the incident and subsequent nearly-fatal infection y/n had to fight off, had Kaz stirring restlessly since then. As such, he was proposing telling the Barrel of their relationship and making it clear what would happen if anyone tried to harm y/n or otherwise use her against him. Kaz went so far as to propose they go to war with the Kikkers, the gang responsible for her attack.

Kaz had already obviously handled the men directly responsible for y/n’s capture and injuries. But, he wasn’t satisfied. He’d nearly lost the one thing truly important to him. Declaring war on the Kikkers would not only be a small reparation for the offense, but would also send a sign to the rest of the Barrel to not come near y/n.

“You were so close to dying,” Kaz’s raspy voice said. “I….I was so worried,” he admitted in a hushed volume. It wasn’t easy to confess such things to anyone, but y/n wasn’t understanding why he was so adamant about this. If Kaz was being completely honest, worried was an understatement; terrified, paralyzed, guilt ridden, and enraged would’ve been more synonymous with his feelings.

“I’m sorry,” y/n frowned. “I know you regret it now…” she sighed as she stared at her lap.

Kaz took a step closer, eyes scanning y/n’s body language. “Regret what?” He asked.

“This…, us,” y/n answered. She winced as her voice cracked. Y/n braved a glances up at Kaz as she explained, “you don’t like it when anyone is or becomes a risk to you”. It was something she knew, but it hurt knowing their relationship has been outed and meant she now said risk.

"Do you think I'd drop my walls like this for just anyone?" Kaz asked, narrowing his eyes at y/n. “I admitted I was scared.. for you,” he told her, “I’ve not done that with anyone else”. Kaz shifted his jaw as he broke eye contact, the situation being too overwhelming to maintain that additional level of intimacy. “You’re… we’re… a risk I’m willing to take.”

Y/n was not able to contain her grin. She knew Kaz had just, in his own way, confessed how much he cared for her, how strong his feelings for her were. Y/n bit her bottom lip bashfully as she looked up at him, corners of her lips still curled into a smile.

“But, your safety is not,” Kaz amended. He stood next to y/n, pointing at the notes on his desk. The notes Kaz had drafted to show y/n his plans for the impending war he intended to set forth over what had been done to her.

Y/n sighed. She cautiously set her hand on Kaz’s gloved one, giving plenty of time for him to pull away before they touched. “Kaz,” y/n cooed quietly.

Kaz stared at their touching hands and shook his head. This was the closest he’d gotten. He wanted to be further, to be able to offer more to y/n. And, Kaz had set his mind to doing so as time went on. It was his not only willingness to do so, but actual desire, for said physical contract that demonstrated another example of how much y/n meant to him. “Everyone that I've loved has been taken from me,” Kaz rasped, “I can't let that happen to you”.

Y/n’s eyes widened, her lips parting slightly. “Y-You love me?”

Kaz swallowed thickly, looking away from y/n’s intoxicating eyes. “They say that when a man loves a woman, she becomes his weakness,” he answered.

“Okay…” y/n mumbled, trailing off with confusion.

Kaz took a visibly deep inhale. “I…,” he began, looking y/n again, “you’re my weakness…”. Kaz couldn’t get himself to actually say the words, it even to directly say yes to her saying the words. This was the closest way Kaz could answer the question truthfully without actually answering.

Y/n fought back a wide grin. However, she noticed Kaz’s eyes were searching her for signs if she returned the sentiment. Y/n knew he wouldn’t ever actually ask her. And, she suspected if speaking in such ambiguous language was easier for Kaz, her confessing the same way would make this less intense and overwhelming for him. “You know the other side to that ideology though, don’t you?”

Y/n noticed Kaz elected to wait silently for her to continue. She smiled warmly at him before she explained the second half of the verse. “When a woman truly loves a man, he becomes her strength. This is called the exchange of power,” she recited. When Kaz simply nodded a single time, y/n let her grin widen. “Therefore, I suppose this means there’s been a full exchange of power.”

Kaz was silent. But, the small smile on his normally stoic face said plenty. He admired y/n in silence for a moment before his smile changed into a smirk. “Does that mean you accept the terms of the plan?” Kaz dared to ask.

“That’s not where I was going with that, Kaz,” y/n pointed out.

Kaz nodded. “I know,” he said as he offered y/n another small smile to show her that he’s on same page. But then he went back to smirking. Kaz’s eyes twinkled hopefully as he repeated his question, “but, does it?”

Y/n laughed and rolled her eyes. She silently shook her head lightly. “While you might be my strength,” she began, quoting the ideology referenced earlier. “It just seems drastically violent,” y/n argued.

Kaz stared knowingly at y/n. He knew he didn’t need any words to get his response across.

“Okay, drastically violent for me,” y/n amended with a laugh. “Besides, this plan doesn’t just impact me,” she rebutted, referring to how the Dregs would be brought into a gang war that arguably was not needed.

Kaz shook his head in frustrated disbelief. He lessened the space between himself and y/n, now only a few millimeters away. “Do you think I care about anyone but you?” Kaz asked, his gloved hands tenderly cupping her face.

Y/n quietly gasped at the physical gesture and the sentiment behind Kaz’s words. She smiled appreciatively at him, their eyes steadily focusing on the others’.

Kaz continued to silently gaze into y/n’s eyes for a moment. He kept his gloved hands on her warm cheeks as long as he could. Once he felt the waters starting to rise in his chest, he slowly lowered them back to his sides. But, Kaz kept his eyes on y/n the whole time.

“This life….” Kaz mumbled to y/n as they stood beside one another behind the fragile wooden banister on the second floor. “I confess sometimes I wonder if others are actually worth fighting for,” he admitted quietly as he looked down at the patrons of the Crow Club. “Obviously it’s not my goal in life, but I honestly wonder… does anyone deserve justice?” He sighed loudly. “But then...,” Kaz shook his head before turning to face y/n. “There's this one thing that always comes to mind and suddenly I'm ready for war.”

Y/n glanced over at Kaz in curiosity. “What's that one thing, Kaz?”

Kaz was slightly reluctant to finish his thought aloud, but eventually he found the strength to do so. He gazed back out at the club below them to ease his nerves. “You,” Kaz answered, blindly grabbing y/n’s hand.

Y/n admired Kaz appreciatively. She smiled shyly and delicately squeezed his hand to thank him for his vulnerable candor.

“That’s why I need to do this,” Kaz said. He gazed over at y/n briefly before looking back out at the sea of patrons. “They all need to know that while you might seem like a risk, a way to get to me,” he said, practically growing at even the notion of such. “-even an attempt at doing so will only end in war,” Kaz promised definitively. He gave y/n a sly grin before squeezing her hand.

Kaz loudly clicked his cane against the wooden slats of the second floor as he walked towards the center of the overhang. He knew his actions would get everyone’s attention. Meaning the only thing he now had to do was use the Kikkers an example of what would happen if someone were to not heed his warning against even thinking of harming y/n. Kaz intended for it to be clear within seconds that Dirtyhands, his Crows, and his Dregs, would all reign hell on not just any idiot who dared to do so, but would also bring war to everyone and everything that idiot valued. Y/n might’ve been a risk to Kaz’s impenetrable indifference towards many actions people would try against him, but harming her was a risk Dirtyhands was going to prove to everyone wasn’t worth the guaranteed consequences that would come from doing so.

Taglist: @dil3mma @directioner5life @ell0ra-br3kk3r @b3kk3r-by-br3kk3r @winstonthecow22 @alex-kazbrekkersimp @wolfmoonmusic @phoenix666stuff @kentucky-criedfricken @twlegit @valeridarkness @shara-ne @crazyhearttragedy @opheliaofficial07 @historynerd77 @missdreamofendless @nikfigueiredo @el-de-phi @adalia-jaycee

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#Kaz Brekker #kaz brekker fanfic #kaz brekker x inej ghafa #kaz brekker x you #kaz brekker art #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x y/n #kaz brekker x fem!reader #six of crows #shadow and bone netflix #crooked kingdom #soc #kaz brekker imagine #kaz brekker oneshot #Kaz Brekker x sister #Kaz Brekker sister #Kaz Brekker x sister!reader #Kaz Brekker angst #Kaz Brekker fluff #Kaz Brekker hurt comfort #Kaz Brekker x sister reader #orginal post #soc x reader #six of crows duology #six of crows x reader #six of crows x you #six of crows x y/n #six of crows x brekker #six of crows x brekker!reader #Kaz brekker

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

I'm very sorry to everyone but there will probably be a lot of angst within the next month or so, specifically queer angst (you'll find out.)

I'm just going through a hard time with my extended family so my writing is probably going to reflect that.

#delusion speaks #it's already started with #kaz brekker x reader #there could be some fluff in some of them #but idk #I was literally sobbing though #like they don't acknowledge shit #then they didn't even TEXT my sister on her birthday #then I feel terrible because it feels like my fault #and I have to spend a week with them in 10 days #I have all my friends and (good) family members on call #just in case #it may end in no contact #which would suck because I love my extended family #but there's no way I can keep on doing this #great #I'm crying again #delusion vents #holy shit #I didn't mean to write that much #whoops

[love-strawberry]

navigation

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#social media au #ben barnes #kaz brekker #ben barnes au #requested #ben barnes blurbs #harry styles instagram #harry styles social media au #timothee chalamet one shot #timothee chalamet x singer!reader #timothee chalamet x actress!reader #timothee chalamet x fem!reader #harry styles x singer!reader #sebastian stan x you #louis partridge x y/n #kaz brekker x sister!reader #sirius black x you #peter parker x y/n #eddie munson x reader #steve harrington x reader #peter ballard x reader #stranger things s4 #five hargreeves imagines #umbrella academy x reader #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy imagines #five hargreeves x you #five hargreeves #heartstopper x reader #heartstopper

[ellewritesalright]

Nine Long Years - Part 3/?

Nikolai Lantsov x Rietveld!reader, Kaz Brekker x sister!Rietveld!reader (platonic)

Part 1 --- Part 2 --- Part 4 --- Part 5 --- Part 6

Synopsis: After watching your brothers die, you found yourself working on the Volkvolny. In the many years since then, you somehow became the queen of Ravka while your brother somehow survived firepox and life in the Barrel, rising through its ranks. In disguise during a diplomatic trip with your husband Nikolai, you meet Kaz Brekker for what you think is the first time, only to find out that he is your long-thought-dead little brother.

Author's Note: Hello and welcome to one of the saddest things I've ever written. The next part will be a little lighter I promise. Also the next part will not be the last, this story might go one for another like three or four parts lmao.

Warnings: Death, Lots Of Angst, mentions of vomiting, panic attacks, firepox and illness, mentions of the Hertzoon con.

Word Count: 6,000

..........

FOURTH YEAR

"You're lost, and I'm the one who will pay for it!" 

"I am not lost. We're in the woods of West Ravka," Sturmhond said plainly.

"Oh, really?" You exclaimed, wanting nothing more than to smack him upside the head. "I didn't know that, Captain. And here I thought we were in the Wandering Isle!"

He ignored your sarcasm, forging ahead. You followed like an idiot with nothing better to do. No, only one of you was an idiot, and it wasn't you, the person who'd said to steer clear of those Drüskelle for Tolya and Tamar's sake. Your captain was very much the idiot, and now you were separated from the twins and wandering in what felt like an entirely aimless manner.

You had objected to the trip from the very start. Sturmhond wanted to go to Ravka to expand his communication network--for what reason, you did not know. He seemed to already know everything that happened in the Grand Palace even when he was thousands of miles away; surely there was a line of communication to his family, if that's what he was worried about.

But no, he insisted that he needed informants from all over Ravka, not only Os Alta. So he decided to rope you, Tolya, and Tamar into a little "business trip" as he put it. You didn't want to go, but he made it seem vital that you be there as his trusted second in command. Part of you only agreed because you wanted to see more of Ravka than just its ports; you had a fascination with the country. The interest stemmed from your time with Old Lady Trokowsky and the stories she told of her homeland. She made the vast country sound beautiful with its rivers and mountains and forests and tundra; you had only ever known the field and the city between your youth at your family's farm and the bustle of Ketterdam.

Still–despite your excitement at seeing Ravka–the fact that he dragged you out here only to get you lost and split up from the twins made you want to wring his neck.

"Fucking scoundrel," you muttered to yourself in your native tongue.

"You swear like a sailor," Sturmhond said in Kerch, slipping into the language with the refined lilt of a well-tutored prince. His words made your blood boil, and you sent him a glare. Honestly, it was like he made it his job to irritate you.

"I am a sailor."

He dared to laugh. "An apt assessment."

The two of you traveled until the woods gave way to a field of overgrown grass and miserable-looking crops. You stopped at a barn that looked like it might collapse at any moment as you looked past the field at the main house. It looked just as decrepit as the barn.

"You stay here, I'll check out the house," he said.

"Like hell I'm staying here," you argued, starting off towards the house.

Sturmhond muttered something snippy beneath his breath, and you glared at him over your shoulder. Despite his muttering, he still followed you.

You took the main floor as Sturmhond took the upstairs. There was nothing useful to you inside, but through the front window you spotted a well. You went outside and drank and splashed your face with the water before Sturmhond emerged with some blankets and a few dry matches.

"The place is pretty picked over," he said after taking a turn drinking the water. "But it looked like someone might have been squatting there recently, so I'd rather not run into them if they come back." 

You gave him a sour look which he easily deflected. "You want us to stay in the barn, don't you?"

He made no apology or a sheepish look of any sort, though he really should have. This was all his fault.

You shook your head and went back to the field. The crops were mostly unsalvageable, but once you searched the grass you found some gourds that had managed to survive without care. You cut them from their stems and brought them to the barn where Sturmhond had travelled off to.

He was setting the blankets over two beds of hay. You sighed at the sleeping arrangement. You were so used to your cabin on the Volkvolny now, and you dearly missed your real bed.

"I haven't been camped out like this since my army days," he said. "The nostalgia is almost nice."

The last time you'd slept without a real roof over your head was when you were on the streets of the Barrel, and you had no desire to reminisce on those days. You started building a fire with some scraps of wood Sturmhond must have gathered.

"Do you miss the army?" You asked him this question to keep your mind off the cold cobbles of Ketterdam.

"Sometimes. My family was proud of me then," he confessed. "They liked that their son was fighting for his country, but they liked it even more because I was good at it. My mother would brag to the court about how her son was the youngest Major in the First Army."

He sat beside the fire you started. 

"What about you? Does this barn remind you of your home?"

You pursed your lips. "Our barn wasn't quite as big." 

He nodded, letting the topic lapse as he knew you wouldn't divulge more information.

It was completely silent–save for the crickets–as you ate. The sun slowly set in an orange haze, and you had to admit the view was pretty. But once it was gone the air turned cold, a tell-tale of a long and miserable night.

……….

You shivered awake. The cold was something you hadn't borne since the nights you and your brothers spent on the streets of the Barrel. It leeched through your veins like the freezing northern waters of the True Sea. You were too numb to move your body, and you could only rub your arms to keep warm. Then you heard Sturmhond speak.

"We're going to freeze to death out here," he said, his teeth chattering.

"An apt assessment," you responded.

"I shouldn't have made our beds so far from each other."

"I'm not moving them now. I think my legs are frozen through."

You heard him get up, and in the next moment he was standing beside your bed, his blanket around him. Your eyebrows scrunched together as he nudged you.

You snapped at him, “What?”

“Move over,” he said, nudging you again.

“You’re not sleeping beside me on this shitty little bed.”

“I made that shitty little bed, thank you very much, and it’s either I sleep beside you or we both spend a night in frozen agony on separate beds and get killed on our travels tomorrow because we're too exhausted to think properly." He nudged you once more. “Now, move over.”

With a frown, you rolled onto your side, making space for Sturmhond to lay down beside you. He pulled his blanket over the two of you and huddled closer to you. His hand was shaking as he slowly brought his arm around you. When you didn't elbow him in the ribs he slunk closer to you.

He gave you some warmth as he rested against you, but he was still shivering and it made sleeping beside him more than a little uncomfortable. So with extreme hesitancy, you grabbed his shaky hand in yours and drew it close to your chest. He stilled for a second, but then you felt him chuckle, his arms softening. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding as the cold in your veins ebbed.

“Not so bad, now is it?” He said lowly, his voice close to your ear.

“Shut up, you twat.”

……….

In the morning, neither of you spoke about the night before, though you could tell Sturmhond wanted to. He kept staring at you and then looking away when you caught him.

You woke up with your face in his chest and your hands gripping his shirt for dear life. He was still asleep, and you thanked the saints that you were spared the humiliation of being caught in that position. You slipped away from your bed before he awoke and went to find food. The whole morning was spent dancing around the sleeping arrangements of the prior night.

You had no idea how you'd survive the rest of this unexpected journey.

After you ate, the pair of you packed up your things and took to a road off of the farm. It was a long and lonely walk, but after forty minutes you reached a village.

Sturmhond posted a letter to an address in Novokribirsk, a contact in the network that he had been building before your untimely encounter with Drüskelle. The contact would reach Tolya and Tamar and the four of you would be reunited soon enough, or so Sturmhond assured you. But, for now, you were to lay low in the village. 

There was the issue of where you would stay, but Sturmhond left you in a pub to order food and said he would sort it out. When he returned the first thing he did was grab your hand. You narrowed your eyes at him as he slipped a ring on your finger and pressed his lips to your knuckles. You had half a mind to punch him with your new ring, but you held off because of the people around you. There was no need to attract attention, especially when you were supposed to be laying low.

"Hello, my dear," he said, sitting down. "You should be more excited that I found your misplaced wedding ring, you know."

"I'm over the moon," you told him, rubbing a thumb over the flat gold band. Sturmhond had worn it since the first day you met him, but it fit you surprisingly well for a hand-me-down.

He hummed in response, picking up his knife and fork. You followed suit, suspicious and slightly confused, but too hungry to bother. 

On the walk through the village, he held your hand and explained to you that he told the innkeeper he was spending a few days in town with his wife.

"He seemed the old-fashioned type so I thought he might start asking questions about the two young people sharing a room." He gave your hand a squeeze. "This was easier."

"Alright, but why did you have to kiss my hand in the pub and why insist on holding hands now?" 

He flashed you a smile, his green eyes crinkling a bit. "We'll be stuck here for who knows how long; we have to keep up appearances."

You weren't thrilled about this, but you nodded to yourself. "Fine. What are we to be called?"

"Pytor and Ilse Ivanov. I gave you a Kerch name to explain away your accent."

"And here I thought my Ravkan accent was perfect."

"It's passable at best."

"Now you tell me."

When you arrived at the inn, you learned that Sturmhond was right about the innkeeper. The man had a razor-sharp stare on your hand, eager to spot a ring. Only then did he give you a polite nod. 

When you got to your room you weren't surprised to find a double bed instead of two singles, yet the sight of it still made you frown. You didn't want a repeat of last night in the barn and the embarrassment that came along with it.

"One bed," you commented.

"It's more cost-effective." He took off his drab coat; brown was an odd colour for him. "Plus, I thought you wouldn't mind seeing as we've slept together before."

He phrased it like that just to see you squirm, you were sure of it, but instead of giving him a reaction, you walked into the bathroom where you promptly began muttering swears at him in Kerch; he would still understand them, and you would still be giving him some kind of reaction, but you were too tired to bottle it up completely. 

You were glad to scrub off your travels with a warm bath. While you were at the pub, Sturmhond booked this room and went to a nearby shop to pick out an outfit for the both of you, so you were able to change into something clean, thank the saints. Once finished, you sat in a chair by the window as Sturmhond took your place in the bathroom. You started reading a slim book he also purchased. 

He'd spoken of cost-efficiency, and yet here he was making unnecessary purchases.

When he came out of the bathroom he looked rather put-together. The sight wasn't what you were used to from him. He was usually a rugged scoundrel, but right now he looked almost respectable with his face clean and his hair slicked back from the water. It wasn't a bad change, especially not when the ties at the top of his shirt were open and you could see droplets trailing his chest.

What was it about him with his shirt undone that sought to poison your mind? You ignored the warmth creeping up your neck as best as you could and returned your attention to the book. 

He was your captain–your employer–and you would not get more involved with him than you already were. A freezing night spent in each other's arms was one thing, but actually pining over him was something else entirely. 

And then there was the issue of his feelings toward you. You knew he liked you as more than a captain liked their second--he had practically told you that night in the Ketterdam harbours--but you couldn't encourage his crush. It wouldn't be right to lead him on when you did not intend to be with him.

"What are you doing?" He asked, leaning against the bed post.

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

"I mean, how are you--a lovely sailor from Kerch--reading a book in Old Ravkan?"

You turned your page. "Because I know Old Ravkan."

He chuckled to himself, laying down on the bed. "Never a real answer with you, is it?" Once he was settled against the pillows he spoke, "Read to me."

"Was that a request or an order?"

"That book is the entirety of our entertainment budget and I'm frightfully bored just sitting here with nothing to do, so read it to me, please."

You rolled your eyes and flipped back to the beginning, reading it aloud this time. He listened peacefully, staring at the ceiling as he laid back. After a while, you peered over and his eyes were shut, so you closed the book and climbed into your side of the bed.

"Why'd you stop?" He asked, definitely not asleep. 

"It's late and that book isn't very long. We have to pace ourselves since we're stuck here until further notice."

"It should only be a few days, a week at the most."

"Still," you said, "it'll be done and we'll be bored out of our minds."

"It's nice being read to." He turned on his side to face you. "It didn't happen much in my childhood; the nanny said I was too impatient to sit still and listen, though I suspect she just didn't want to read through the boring histories that collected dust on the shelf. But besides that, your voice is pleasant to listen to."

"I used to read to one of our neighbours. She was Ravkan."

"And I presume she's the reason you know Old Ravkan," he speculated, a light smile tracing his lips.

"Wouldn't you like to know," you teased.

"That's the thing," he said, his hand reaching for yours. "I'd like to know everything about you."

The sincerity in his eyes had you at a loss, and you pulled your hand away. Facing the wall, you murmured goodnight and turned out your lantern.

……….

You started your second day in the village with arms around you. Sturmhond couldn't keep to himself when he slept, and he was leaning the entirety of his weight into your side as you lay there on your back. Your head was tilted towards him when you opened your eyes, and you could see the top of his head from this position. His red roots were no longer red, a blond colour bleeding into his hair.

It seemed strange to you that his real hair colour was blond, but you supposed it wouldn't not suit him; he seemed like he could sport any look. 

A part of you was interested to see his real face and hair. Though it might pose problems if the people in the village caught on to his changing appearance. Worse still, they could recognize him as prince Nikolai and ransom him or commit some other terrible act. You were stuck in West Ravka, after all, and there was not as much support for the royal family to be found on this side of the fold.

When he woke up he didn't immediately remove himself from you. He slowly looked up at you, meeting your waiting stare.

"I'm surprised you didn't push me away," he said, a smirk encroaching on his features.

"My arm is numb from being trapped by you, how could I ever manage to push you away?" You asked. He still hadn't shifted, but you moved the conversation along anyways. "There's an issue with your hair."

"I've only just woken up," he grumbled. "You should see your hair."

You glared at him. "That's not what I meant, idiot. You're going blond."

That got him up. He hurried to the mirror in the corner of the room and peered at his hair. "Tolya re-tailors my hair and face every week. I'll probably be back to myself by the time we see him again."

"Will people here recognize you if you look like yourself?" you asked, rubbing the feeling back into your arm.

"They might." 

"Then maybe you should stay inside. I can bring you meals and--"

"I can't stay inside," he complained. "I'll go crazy being pent up in here."

"What other choice is there?"

He pursed his lips. "You could get me a hat. And a scarf for my face. Maybe some glasses for when my eyes change."

"We'll be spending too much money."

"How about we stay here one more night so we can hear back from Tolya and Tamar then move on to another village tomorrow?" He sat down beside you on the bed, reaching for your hand again. What was it with him and holding your hand?

"How many nights did you pay the innkeeper for?"

"Two."

You gave him a look. "You knew we would be leaving."

"Preposterous." He waved you off with a smile. "It's nothing but a happy coincidence, my dear."

You stood and went into the bathroom. His antics were getting on your nerves.

He called after you, "I wasn't joking about that hat, though. By tomorrow I'll be blond again."

..........

FIRST YEAR

Sleeping on the streets was less than ideal, but it was the only way you could stay with your brothers.

Working reception at the Exchange barely afforded you lodgings with one bed, and the houses you had looked at were strict with their tenants. Lodging houses were either split in gender, meaning your brothers wouldn't be allowed to join you, or they had a ratio rule of beds to people so renting for three was impossible. You were saving your money for a sufficient room for your family, and the Kruge that would help you do so felt heavy in your pockets.

After the Hertzoon scheme that Jordie talked you into fell through you insisted that you should be the one responsible for what little money the Rietvelds had left. Jordie couldn't argue much, and the money he and Kaz scrounged in odd jobs always went straight to you. 

Tonight as you shivered on a bridge, staring at the Barrel flash and hoping for one moment of rest, you felt particularly run-down. You had to look presentable and clean for your office job, yet it was easier said than done when you were living on the streets. You knew a woman from work who was kind enough to let you get ready at her house every morning, but she was not kind enough to do more than that. She had once offered you a room in her home, but when you asked if your brothers could come with you she shook her head. 

"Not enough space for rambunctious boys," she'd said.

"But they're not like that," you defended. "They behave very well."

"Look, I can take you alone or I can't take you at all."

In the end, you chose to stay with your brothers. They needed you, and you wouldn't leave them. You couldn't.

Kaz was slumped over in your lap, and even Jordie was leaning against your arm. The elder of the two wasn't asleep, but he had lost enough pride that he was no longer too good to cuddle up to his big sister. He would pass into a realm of bad dreams soon enough, though, and it would only be you staring at the gaudy lights.

It was the early morning, and in a few hours you would make your way to the more respectable neighbourhoods and enter through a backdoor so that none of the neighbours saw a Barrel rat coming into your associate's house. You would emerge respectable-looking, walk to the Exchange and scribe letters and brew coffee all day, then you would meet your brothers at the abandoned coffeehouse and try to find a safe place to sleep for the night.

It was the same as it always was, and you left as the sun started rising, shifting Kaz into Jordie's arms. They would try to find work during the day, but you imagined all they would find was trouble. It was the Barrel, after all, and there was no place there for little boys with decent hearts.

When you met up with them the sun was setting. There was the issue of dinner, and you shared something unfulfilling from a street vendor. You took the smallest portion because you always did. They fed you lunch at your work, but you never knew what your brothers might have had during the day. Every morning you left them enough money for one meal shared but it was hard to say what they could have gotten.

Kaz was against your side as soon as he saw you, and he barely separated himself once you were eating your dinner. He sat next to you, packing food into his mouth like a squirrel about to hole up for winter; you had to remind him to slow down. 

Jordie didn't have that issue tonight. He ate with small bites, as though the taste of it was abhorrent. It wasn't particularly bad, and saints knew you all had eaten worse from the street vendors of the Barrel, so you looked your brother over with wary eyes. When you pressed your hand to his forehead and he barely swatted at you, you knew something was amiss. He was burning up, and in the dim light you could see a patch of inflamed skin on his neck.

Firepox.

You had contracted it as an infant and survived, meaning you would be immune to it now, but Kaz and Jordie had never been exposed to the detrimental disease. You tried to contain your panic as you watched Jordie's eyes gloss over.

He was sick, and there was only so much you would be able to do for him. When you were sick with it, your parents had paid an arm and a leg for a Grisha Healer to keep you alive, but it cost them for many years. Now your remaining family was impoverished and without so much as a roof over your heads, and there was no way you would be able to pay for a Healer or university medik. 

You just prayed that Kaz wasn't infected yet, but it was unlikely he would be unscathed. They spent every day together. You let Kaz sleep in his brother's arms, for saint’s sake. There was no way that if Jordie was sick then Kaz wouldn't soon be sick as well.

"I can't finish this," Jordie said, pushing his portion away from himself. "It hurts my throat."

You scooped up his food before your littlest brother could reach for it, mixing it in with yours. Kaz frowned but said nothing as you kept eating.

You couldn't sleep at all that night. Tucked away in a narrow alcove, you kept Kaz on one side and Jordie on the other. He was coughing, a raspy noise that only got worse as the night went on. It was keeping him up, too, even though he needed the sleep if he was to recover. Kaz was safe in your arms, with no symptoms popping up yet but plenty of time for them to make an appearance. 

"It's firepox, isn't it?" Jordie wheezed as a gondel of masked revellers passed. 

"It is," you said, grabbing his hand. "But don't worry, we'll figure something out."

You had no idea what you could do for your brother but your reassurance was enough at that moment, and when you left the boys in the early morning they were both asleep, propped against opposite sides of the alcove.

When you saw them again at the end of the next day, Kaz was sluggish and Jordie was still glossy-eyed. They sat on the ground in front of the coffeehouse, skin burning up. You brought them dinner, but neither of them ate much. For once, you had a full belly, but you felt so sick with worry that you could have emptied it into the canals. 

You slept in the cover of a wall of wooden crates for the rest of the week, and you didn't bother trying to keep your brothers apart. As much as it pained you to think about it, there wasn't much hope for them to survive. You figured if they were going to die they might as well die in familiar arms. You couldn’t give them much, but you could at least give them the comfort of each other.

From then on your family stayed beside the piled-up crates your brothers had named the Nest. You would finish work every day and hurry to them, checking on their worsening conditions before finding dinner and forcing them to eat.

Kaz still attached himself to you like a leech, but his arms were weaker now and when he coughed you could feel his little body shake from head to toe. Jordie had abandoned all his pride and allowed himself the comfort of your arms in his last days. He seemed to know better than Kaz that you wouldn't be able to do anything more for them besides bringing hot chocolate and reciting old bedtime stories. One day you bought a vial of pain relief made by an alkemi, slipped it in their hot chocolates and prayed that it would do something to help them, but it only numbed some of their pain.

The fever did not wane and the cough did not subside. They were still terribly sick, and it was your fault. You hadn't kept them safe like Da had told you to. And now you would lose your brothers in a matter of days, maybe even hours; they were completely pale and clammy, and they both could hardly stay awake.

Every time you approached them after work or when you were bringing them food you had to brace yourself for the fact that they could be dead. And yet, all the preparation in the world couldn’t have made the sight of it any less terrifying.

It was only a week after Jordie had initially fallen ill; you were coming back from the university where you unsuccessfully begged a medik for aid. There was dread in your step, and you had taken to speaking to any saint who might be listening to protect your brothers. Your family wasn’t raised religious, yet you recited every blessing and prayer Old Lady Trokowsky had uttered in front of you. They were made in vain, though, you realized as you finally saw their lifeless bodies. A sob struck you and you fell to your knees, trying to rouse them awake, trying to bring them back to life, but it was no use.

They were dead. 

Though they were limp in your arms, you couldn’t help but hold your brothers. You should have been there when they passed, should have kissed their sweaty foreheads and whispered that it would be alright. But you weren’t there.

You added this to the long list of things you would never forgive yourself for; it would be right at the top. 

You huddled close to them for a long time, breathing in grime and sweat and the residual filth of the Barrel; it was the smell of death.

When the body men came through you had trouble parting with your only family, but after a bit of coaxing, you let go of them. No matter how badly you wanted to look away, to focus on anything besides their limp bodies, you forced yourself to watch them be rolled onto the sickboat. They deserved your attention at that moment, even if it pained you to see them rowed away. 

Then–hours after they were gone and you felt strong enough to move–you wandered up the streets, stopping only to vomit into the canal every so often. It was pitch dark by the time you reached the abandoned fifth harbour, and you were only dry-heaving. You sat there and stared at the boats. Your vision was blurry, your tears had not dried, but that didn’t matter. There was no one to remain strong for, so for the first time in forever, you were allowed to fall apart.

..........

FOURTH YEAR

Trembling awake, you sucked in a halting breath. You could see the dull blue wallpaper on the walls. You weren’t in Ketterdam, you weren't huddled against some crates in the streets of the Barrel; you were in a cheap little inn settled in a small town just outside of Novokribirsk.

A hand met your shoulder, and you turned to see Sturmhond's worried eyes in the dark. Without a second thought, you clambered into his arms, welcoming the comfort of his embrace. He smelled of soap and pine, and you were able to shake the scent of death from your head. You couldn't get the image of them being nudged onto the sickboat out of your mind though. How they rolled along the cobbles at the prodding of the bodymen's hooks.

Another shudder went through you and you squeezed Sturmhond tighter. He was sitting up, so you were practically in his lap, but you couldn't care less at that moment.

As always, you were completely unprepared for the nightmare recount of your brothers' deaths. It happened every so often, and you would normally cry alone and wait until morning for things to get better, but this time someone was willing to help you through it.

He leaned his cheek against your head, whispering to you that it would be okay.

"I'm here," he kept repeating. "I'm here."

He held you as your breathing slowly levelled out and you opened your teary eyes. He rubbed circles into your back and swayed back and forth in gentle motions.

It had been so long since you were held this way. Even when you had a living family it was usually you who was doing the cradling, whether that be Kaz on a stormy night, or Jordie when you were kids and he'd broken his arm. Or when they died, you thought with a near-retch.

You swallowed the bile in your throat and forced yourself not to think of that. Focusing instead on the lull of Sturmhond's heartbeat, you were able to distract yourself. It was more than unprofessional to be in his arms like this, yet you didn’t want to be anywhere else. He felt so warm, and after the bitter chill of your memories, you could do with some of that warmth. 

……….

You didn’t remember falling asleep, but you must have because suddenly it was morning and you were still lying in Sturmhond's arms. He had barely moved, simply settling the two of you down against the pillows. His shirt was soft against your face, and you pinched the fabric between your fingers, tethering yourself to the world around you through the white linen. Despite how small they were, your movements woke him, and his grip tightened around you for a second then relaxed again. He was a light sleeper.

“Good morning,” he murmured, his cheek resting against your head as it had in the night.

You should have slipped out of his arms and asserted that it was wrong to be so close to each other for the sake of your working relationship, but your position on the matter hadn’t changed since last night when you hurriedly sought his arms.

Maybe it was a defect of being away from the ship for too long, but you simply didn't care anymore about your working relationship. It was a crazy notion–a notion that made so little sense to you yet somehow made more sense than breathing. Suddenly it didn't matter if things would become awkward or stilted between the two of you; he was cozy and warm, and for the first time in so long you were completely comfortable.

Sturmhond shifted, moving down the mattress so that he could be at eye level with you. He studied your face like a book, reading every line with careful consideration. You thought you might collapse under the weight of his stare, but you held steady. When he finally spoke his voice was low and calm.

“Can I ask you about last night?” He inquired.

Dropping your eyes, you let out a breath. You knew there was an explanation to be had, but you weren’t sure you could give it. For so long you had hidden your past, and now it was jumping out at you. 

“I only want to help you,” he said, closing a hand around yours. “You were thrashing and kept repeating ‘don't die, don't die.’ If I'm being honest, it scared me. Please, just tell me what’s wrong.”

A heavy breath escaped you and you clamped your eyes shut. He wanted to know why you had woken up in the dead of the night, thrashing and sick to your stomach. He wouldn't have to pry–though you were sure he was too polite to pry anyway--because he deserved an explanation for the circumstance in which you willingly sought his arms.

And so you buried your face in his shoulder as you slowly told him everything. You outlined your move to Ketterdam with your brothers, how you had been swindled out of your money, how they’d gotten sick, and how you were powerless to help them.

It took a while, especially since you began crying halfway through. It came out in stuttered, breathy sobs, and you couldn’t look at him the entire time. His shoulder was wet with tears, and you held tight to his shirt.

"It's not your fault," he said once you had finished.

"Didn't you hear a word I said?" You rubbed your eyes. "It is my fault."

"It was an outbreak of firepox. You were in no way responsible for that."

"But I was supposed to look out for my brothers, Sturmhond." You sat up, slipping from his grip. "I should have kept them away from it!"

"You did everything you could," he insisted, leaning forward and gently setting his hand on your back. "I've read about firepox. It's not easily contained or cured. You did the best you could in a bad situation."

"It wasn't enough."

You slumped back down in resignation and he followed. After a moment you sought his arms again. He sighed and gave up trying to convince you of your innocence in the situation. For now, he just held you as he had for hours and hours. 

……….

A/N: Thanks for reading! Feel free to like, reblog, and comment if you want to read more, I really appreciate the feedback! The next part should be out in like a week. If you want to be tagged please comment on this part or send me an ask. Otherwise, I hope you have a great day/night :)

Part 4

Taglist:

@babyblue-chaos @mischiefmanaged71  @red-ace-in-space @almostjollypizza @gabby10100 @rosexdenis @tayswiftlovebot @cecebridgerton @houseoftwistedspirits @gxdsmonsters @sweet0pia-uw @starrynightsil @ell0ra-br3kk3r @knmendiola @lyria-skyfall @adharanotfound @kato-ptris @unicornfairytail @milkshake0 @inluvkai @wwwlusspace @for-writing-shit @stickyfictioninwriting @4-everm-0-re @reidwritess @fallonaurr @lollulroofl @meg-the-second-greatest  @justsomecreaturewandering @madnessinwrighting @goldenpoison @theghostofshadows @bilesxbilinskixlahey @wolfmoonmusic @nyctophiliiiiaaa @avengers-assemble123456 @catzpawn @angelhxneyy @alinasmcu @itshardtopickaname @pomagranteseeds

#nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai lantsov fanfic #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x sister!reader #nine long years #grishaverse fanfic

[euphoniumpets]

SHADOW AND BONE MASTERLIST

Here’s everything that involves SHADOW AND BONE. this will be updated regularly. * = means this contains smut in it, this is an 18+ blog so no minors are welcomed.

Nikolai Lantsov:

All of the girls you loved before

Can't keep my hands to myself*

I'm not so perfect like you

I'll always look for you

Shamelessly flirting

Against the wall*

People you know

Little prince

The second choice

Second in command

Climbing over the wall

Aleksander Morozova:

Stubborn love

Hurt

I can't help but falling in love with you slowly

Tolya Yul Baatar:

The princess who never was

He's such a flirt and a annoying heartrender

Storming Weather*

Triplets

Kaz Brekker:

Always noticed you

#shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x sister reader #inej gafha #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #six of crows #aleksander kirigan #aleksander morovoza #aleksander kirigan x reader #tolya yul bataar x reader #tolya yul bataar