#LIKE I failed 3 classes this year.... I told my myself that this happens and it's okay but I literally think about the whole situation | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thementalshawty · 7 months

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My New Beginning (My way out)

(Mentions of disabilities, mental, emotional, physical abuse, S*x abuse, bullying, self harm, suicidal ideation, Domestic violence, be wary before reading).

So where to begin……. This is about familial abuse, so this has been something happening my whole life!!! My “mother” is a narcissist. She bullied me and my sister our whole lives, I am the third of 5 kids, she would pit us against each other and watch us fight to laugh and make fun, most of my insecurities stem from her clowning me in front of my brothers, funny enough she is NEVER ALONE, my father he abused us including her but he left and I thought we were better off for it, I wasn’t wrong but little did I know the monsters she’d allow into our lives after, I was getting molested by older brother and my mothers boyfriend before I even got to elementary school, my brother started when I was insanely young, and I still protected him as I didn’t know what tf was happening, her boyfriend started when I was in 4th grade, he wasn’t a drunk or anything just a pedophile, she knew he was because he got caught cheating on her with teenage girls and yet she still kept him around for a decade so wherever we moved he was there and I started to become angry, rage grew inside my soul like a fire that had no intention of burning out, on top of that he was abusive hitting and bruising me and my siblings who all have disabilities, you know my sister as she’s a tarot reader on here so I’m not going into specifics about them, but she would sit and watch and do nothing, she would hide food with him, have us stand in the corner for hours on end while they are food in front of our faces “mmmm that’s good”. She even forced to drink her breast milk in front of him, she despised us having friends, soo when I would have a friend she wouldn’t let me see them or go out or we would move, I’ve never stayed more than 2-3 years in any place my whole entire fuccin life! I don’t know anything but toxicity when it came to relationships, I tried to kill myself multiple times but they failed so I decided to be a burner, I just burned myself, the fire it was the rage inside me felt outside, I decided to tell my mother about the molester from her boyfriend when I was 15, because I told someone in school he told me I had to tell her or he would so I wrote her a letter, he had a gun in the house and put it to his head and said he was going to kill himself (gaslighting), she kicked him out for a day, brought him back then told me that I had to share her with him, so at 15 and with her knowledge of him molesting me, we all moved to California, we drove there, and that was awful, we all fought and he screams how he didn’t care about what he did to me and he was laughing in front of her, i ended up just sweeping that under the rug because i went to focus on my career I had acting classes so my mind was focused but I met a guy from school and he automatically hated him (the boyfriend) he told my mother and automatically I was told to stay away from him, I didn’t I had got arrested the year before so I had community service and he was helping me with that, I told him what happened I thought we were meant to be but he cheated on me with his sister and I found myself in her another Jerry springer bind but I found that out months after we broke up, but he stood up for me and he was the only one on the outside that actually came and defended my honor as sick as he is I will give him credit for that. A year later we’re moving bacc to NYC, before we did though, they got Into a fight (my mother and the boyfriend), pretending to break up, he went to the gas station filled a gas canister wit gas came back to the front door and poured gasoline on himself, obviously not lighting himself on fire because it was an act, he went to jail a week or two later she invited him back into her life, I already knew that it was going to happen because the shit was predictable at that point, Skipping ahead to 17, we moved back to NYC, we came separately, I came on a plane with my mother and the rest of my siblings drove back with him, because obviously she trusted him with children why wouldn’t she? She already knew what he was capable of, she didn’t care 🤷🏽‍♀️, when we got back to NyC she

Promises me that he’s not coming back into our lives that it’s over this time, I told her he’s going to gaslight her she says not gonna work, fast forward to when they all made it to the apartment, she approached me with the sob story I said he would come in with so she said she is letting him stay, I was going to just walk away, but my sister told me that she fought with him on the drive here, she stood up for me, he yelled at my older brothers and her that he did What he did to me cos he truly wanted to and he’s unapologetic for it, the flame it was uncontrollable and I blacked out I went into the room and I kicked him out myself. He yelled bullshit but he left, she hated me for that, so she started to sneak him in secretly then they started hiding food again, leaving us to literally shake, starve and feel sick, we learned how to improvise with what little we had. I was going to school so I didn’t care, speaking of school I was supposed to be on my last year of school, and I couldn’t graduate because my principal explained because I moved so much my credits were all over the place, so she told me I had to repeat a year that was devasting to me because in California I only had a few credits before I could graduate, I got two jobs because I just wanted to save up money to leave, she told my grandma lies oh she has a whole bunch of recruits that she tells constant lies too about us and what we do never the truth because they already feel she’s sick but they do nothing about it, family tho right? My grandma called me and so again we told her the truth and she helped us kick him out for good, (so that’s the end of boyfriend 1…. For now) I was finally 18!! So again I have no friendships nothing ever stuck, but I had two jobs and I was saving up for an apartment, I shouldn’t have done this but I was so proud of myself! I told her (my mother) that I was going to move out, get my own apartment and live on my own, she didn’t like that, she was saying that it was disloyal and what was she going to do without me and she needed help because most of my siblings have a disability, so I stayed, I couldn’t be disloyal when she needed me, that was a big mistake. A year later we are moving BACC to California because she has found A NEW BOYFRIEND, some guy she met over the phone, guess who helped her move back to California though (boyfriend #1), my brother who molested me left to go into the army, don’t worry he’s not in it any longer dishonorable discharge (it was fitting). So anyways the new boyfriend was some white guy who I felt meant no harm the fuccin dude was quiet and softspoken so I paid it no mind, but I was wrong, he was a drunk, not only was a he a drunk, he was a RACIST DRUNK! Did she care???? NOOOOOOO! Everytime I tried to leave she stopped me, til we fought then she would say to leave knowing I had nowhere to go, if I had a friend to go too she would hate that friend, funny thing is most friends that want to take me away from this be friends she introduced me too, she wanted to be friends with them but they wanted to be my friend yes they are younger people, I don’t have those friends anymore because they were very similar to her go figure right ? I thought I should call the cops, call for help, but everyone I reached out too did nothing INCLUDING COPS! So I felt backed into a corner, well I had my sister my little sister my rock, funny fun fact though, her new boyfriend ALSO LIKES LITTLE GIRLS oh and BOYS! He got arrested and she stood up for him, while he was doing that in her home, she would run away and leave us all my siblings in the house with him drunk calling us the N word, kicking doors down and causing mess, I couldn’t leave my siblings who couldn’t understand what was happening behind all I knew is that they were scared and their mother wasn’t there all she did was make excuses for him she told me I should kill myself, that I was a cunt that didn’t deserve her name, ( I don’t have it, I have my dads last name), that I was going to be nothing more than a whore, by this time………………

She knows about what my brother did to me I didn’t mention that confession because she just skipped right over it. She literally didn’t care and she told me to my face she believed he was only playing with me and I am confusing it all and that I know nothing about it because it happened to her and she the only one who knows pain and my pain doesn’t matter she tried to assault me and again tried to tell family but she already took the narrative so they weren’t trying to hear me out or help, in august of this year, me and my sister left, we went to stay in a motel for a week or two, with the help of my booking agent we didn’t have enough money to stay and the homeless shelters were all full and we’re not answering back, so we had no choice but to go back, we are back and nothing even a week later back to the drunk racist, not eating, starving routine, I wanted to die and I felt like a failure! I couldn’t even get out of bed I felt like I deserved this I got my sister out to end up right back 2 WEEKS LATER?!?!! I fuccin hated myself! He was drunk and again causing ruckus, she came back a morning later and was telling him to leave, he was going to hit her, my brother (diagnosed with MR) was out there with my younger brother (autism) and they were scared and standing up for her and the boyfriend was in their faces what was I supposed to do???? Me and my sister tried to help and she tried to tell us to leave for helping her!!!!! Me and my sister decided to just call the police, they started to fight, and he tried to kill her, the police got him out, and they told her that she was lucky to have her kids here, we cleaned up her room after he broke her whole house apart, I mean EVERYTHING IS TORN APART RN!!!! she decided that she was going to move down to Texas with the molesting brother because he has kids, (oh yeah other fun fact she kept forcing me to have kids she even wanted me to give her my eggs so she can have kids with both of those boyfriends she approached me TWICE ABOUT IT, one she wanted my eggs and the other she wanted me to be pregnant for her!) So now my brother has kids she was like saying she knows I’ll never have kids and I’ll be forever alone, that no one will ever love me, anyways skipping to now my birthday came and left I’m 27 now! The housing program that me and my sister signed up for began to pend and we found a place! We didn’t tell her we found a place and that we were in a program we didn’t even tell her that we went down the city. We ended up getting a random woman come into the house and serve us she was evicting us (my mother) even on the eviction notice it says no fault just cause, she didn’t even tell me, so we have 60 days to leave and vacate her premises! Funny enough yesterday my sister got her APPROVAL NOTICE!!! Mine is still pending but I know that I’m getting approved and if all goes well we will be in our transitional home on SATURDAY! We finally did it, dug our way out, I didn’t think that I could and that I would, I would’ve been opened up to someone if I didn’t believe that it was against the family or that no one would love me like she did, she painted the world as such a unloving place and that this toxicity was normal and for the longest I believed it, but I am waking up now! And I am looking forward to beginning my life AWAY FROM HER! Just me and my rock @silvershiningtarot I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MY STORY, I’m only ashamed I kept quiet for so long, I allowed them to get away with everything and they took control of the narrative but I’m taking my power back! This is the first chapter of my success story! I’m not looking for claps or sympathy or for yky to actually care or anything I just wanted to put my story out there because this shit shouldn’t be in the dark anymore, mothers can be demons, family can be a dark and scary word for people and they’re not family, only relation! And I wanted to make that clear! RELATION DOESN’T MEAN FAMILY

I feel more familial love from you guys on here than I ever did anywhere! My music gave me hope and tarot gave me community

You deserve to know your reader through and through!

Thank you!!! For listening and taking the time for hearing this sad ass story, I hope I didn’t drag your day down! 💋

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sweatermuppet · 8 months

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sorry if you've been asked this before but have you gone to college or are you interested? a lot of my fav writers went to pretty prestigious places and have masters or phds etc and i was the type of person who never thought i'd be able to go to school for writing (or anything really) but i'm gonna try this upcoming school year. would love any insight you have if any <3

my feelings on further education for writing are complicated, but to put it out there at the top: i did not go to college & do not consider it necessary to be published

i did not apply to college in high school, which was highly controversial according to teachers, who insisted i need to at least look. i had some poor grades (almost failed creative writing, almost failed sophomore english) & did not attend many after school programs. i skipped class, had a suspension on record for fighting, & i was deeply deeply clinically depressed. i was in therapy, on medication, & could not see that another few years of school would suit me, especially because i was trying to come out as trans in a small school & that exhausted & despaired me. i did not have savings, scholarship offers, & my parents had told me since childhood that any secondary education would be my responsibility

i would like to go to college now i think, or at least attend more workshops & small classes for poetry & fiction, but i still feel it is very unlikely. education costs are too high for me to consider it an agreeable sacrifice for those experiences & connections. if i had the chance to go somewhere for writing, it would have to be within a financial margin that seemingly does not exist for current college costs & i refuse to take out loans, especially when i would rather work a day job & further my transition

i think it is very possible to educate yourself. there are lots of online resources available that can provide you with lessons, prompts, readings, & "homework". one key element, that ive discussed with other published friends, is that doing it alone... means you are that: alone. there is a lot of value in being taught by someone or someones who can answer your questions & give you a uniquely human perspective. i have taught myself a lot privately, but it does come with a sometimes crushing distance that can feel downright alienating, if not discouraging. there is a thrill in discussing poetry in a group that cannot be replicated in solitude

on the other hand, i think experiences cannot be taught in a classroom. to write, you must live first. you have to have material & it is difficult to craft material when you are entirely occupied with study. heartbreak, loss, love, wonder, can all happen during college, & even college is its own experience, but i do think there is a lot of overlooked value in people who just do... people things without wondering if it'll make a good poem

when i went to a writing retreat last year, i was the only man to attend (or ever apply!) & the only person in the group to not have gone to, or actively be in, college. i was torn between thinking i was an outsider, because everyone around me was "better educated" & feeling like id accomplished something all on my own

so... at the end of the day, i think it is entirely personal whether someone goes to college for writing. i know people who have gone & loved it & others who did not find it useful. i think these depend upon yourself, the school, your style, what you're hoping to achieve, etc. i think most of all it's deeply important to learn with other people when you can, to talk to people about poetry, to go to readings & subscribe to journals & visit libraries & take notes. how that is done is up to you

#devotedbunny #sorry that this is six million pages long. i just have a lot of thoughts about it

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romanarose · 4 months

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Life update if anyone cares.

I only post this bc i was posting my depressing shit for months and a lot of people were reaching out in concern <3

cw sever depression, self harm, suicide, csa, SA, all the bad. but also lots of good <3

TLDR: Despite a god-awful semester, i got all a's and b's

Everyone thats been following me the last few months has seem my personal posts about how fucking awful things have been for me.

I've dealt with fact I can no longer deny that what happened to me was CSA, despite being on a milder side of things. That sparked an absolutely spiral. I didnt sleep for months which made things worse. School, I got an F on a midterm and i NEVER get F's on writing assignments.

Work had its complications and i quit and then rescinded that quit two days later. I was so constantly depressed in my dorm my roommate literally told me i needed to go to the basketball game with them bc i was sitting in a depression hovel none stop. I only went to services twice this whole time, one shabbat and once for Rosh Hoshannah.

I burned the ever living fuck out of my fingers, yall remember that one? lol.

In novemeber i had relapsed so severely on self harm i thought i had accidentally killed myself. I should've called 911. I thought I was bleeding out and/or going into shock. I then worked myself up more by going down pages of the internet about medical shook and people dying from it. that did not help my heart rate. I couldn't stand, I couldnt see straight for a while.

I could not afford an ambulance or a hospital stay as i am uninsured and only ork 25 hours a week. not a lot of money.

All this happened and I didn't miss work. This is not a brag, this is me not being able to makegood choices for myself.

Finally, thanksgiving break hit. Thank fucking god. I WANTED to use those 4 days of absolutely nothing to get to my TWO BIG RESEARCH PAPERS I HADNT STRTED YET but alas, I was SICK. I was so sick, in fact, and so hoped up on cough medicine for 3 days i was incomprehensible.

I was so physically ill, i couldnt even think about how mentally ill i was. I slept and slept and slept. And by the time sunday hit, I felt so recharged.

My failed midterm was so bad and so not me my professsor reached out to me. Im close with him (in a v appropriate way lol, hes a bruce springsteen fan too) and i felt comfortable telling him essentially that for a few months there things were severe, and I really should've gone in for a 72 hour hold multiple times and i was not safe. through a few lines of resources, I ended up back in therapy bc my school added a new therapist that is a woman (i stopped going last year bc i didnt like seeing a man)

I like my new therapist.

Anway, in about 2 weeks I wrote 2 12 page research papers, 2 book report papers, 1 science paper did 2 presentations, took 2 finals, wrote 2 more finals with essay questions, and at the end of it all, not only did I not fail any classes...

I GOT ALL A'S AND B'S! Which means my gpa is still high enough to renew my scholarship for my last year

I am so fucking proud of myself for accomplishing all this despite suffering so fucking badly. I havnt felt pain like that in years, just agony.

I had a down turn again over christmas bc my siblings were literally ass, upto and including making fun of me for not ating (i am multiple accounts of sexual trauma from several people, so im scared of dating), making fun of my eating, and my sister slapping me and my older brother hitting me. Was a bad time. But for right now, im in the place im staying for break (all january) im back at my old day care and they love me, and olive garden at this store has been going great

Im hoping next semester to be better, im hopful at least

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has supported my writing has supported me through these times. It makes me happy that i came her to share my silly little moon knight x reader series, not really intending on writing a whole lot, but next thing i know, i have friends and a lil community. so thank you <3

#romana personal posts #cw suicide #cw self harm #cw csa #cw sa

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amusedyan · 3 months

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kind of weird how there are parts of me scattered everywhere.

I will always, in some way, be 3 years old and crying in my mom's arms from a nightmare, and always feeling the press of her hair against my cheek, and she smells safe in a way I can't articulate even now.

I will always be walking with my dad to my grandparents', and he will tell me not to drag my feet because I'll wear out my shoes. I remember the noise now, with and the way the light and shadows twisted on my feet as we walked.

I will always be helping my grandparents decorate for christmas. The record player hums in the corner, and the clock on the wall chimes the hour. We unwrap the ornaments with painstaking care, and put them on the tree with the careful eye of perfectionism. My fingers are sticky with pine sap.

I will always be holding my newborn sister, staring at this angry, screaming red thing and fascinated with the fine lines of veins just under the skin.

I will always be in the principal's office, my mom yelling at him, and him condescending about "normal little girls". I won't know it, but my father threatens to beat him the same way I was on that playground. My eyes burn as I try not to cry.

I will always be having lunches with my new friends at my new school, tasting garlic bread and trying so hard to be liked and wondering if this was real, and being excited when recess was cancelled because they brought out the boardgames.

I will always be on stage trying out for the talent show, blind under the lights and not understanding where I'm supposed to look. My heart races because a boy with beautiful blue eyes told me that I'd do amazing, and he couldn't wait to hear me sing. It's my first brush with puppy love.

I will always be in every car ride with my parents that turns into a screaming match. I will always struggle not to cry, pressing my hands to my ears because I don't want to hear these awful things they say to each other, and my sister watches on.

I will always see the first time my father hits my mother.

I will always be there listening at the table as my parents fight over my report card. I pick at the table, at my cuticles, I try to swallow down the tears because if I cry, I'm fishing for sympathy and I did this. I deserve it.

I will always be standing in that hallway the first time a boy asks me out- and I will be on the other side of the coin, standing somewhere else when he tells me he did it for a dare. No hard feelings.

I will always be in the hospital, knowing they're pulling the plug on my brother. My feet hurt from the sunburn, and my sister shoves me when I try to hug her. When they told us what was happening, I excused myself and went to take a shower. I apparently scared the hell out of my Mom, and she was half convinced I was going to kill myself in there. I stood in the steam and remembered all those church sermons and bible studies and closed my eyes and said 'please take me and not him. please don't do this, he's a baby'. I prayed first to God and then to the devil and then to the universe and felt a gaping hole inside of me as I realized that there was nothing but emptiness and that was where my baby brother was going to go.

I will always be staring at my phone when a boy that said he liked me, admitted that he had a girlfriend. And when I tell a girl I thought was my friend, I will stare in horror and confusion when she tells me i know. I thought it was funny.

I will always be in the car, my father screaming at me as I learn how to drive. I can't, because we'll die if I screw this up. I don't have a license, or a permit, because he says I don't need one until I'm ready for the test, but the threat of the police arresting me hangs over the car for him to hit me with.

I will always feel numb as I fail classes.

The smell of the metal slide in the June sunlight, the park overgrown and splintery. The rust on the metal makes my fingers tingle and my teeth itch.

Sounds of Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra at my grandparents house, my grandparents bickering over my grandpa not wearing his hearing aids. The smell of the puzzle pieces as I did them with my grandma. The feel of the marbles as she taught me how to play, the way that they clacked against each other. She taught me how to play monopoly and kicked my ass. My Grandpa worked in the garden most of the day. We found a kitten in the lettuce once.

All of those pieces of me, everywhere, little bookmarks of my soul. Both in times of joy and times of misery.

#thoughts i'm having

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mysteryshoptls · 1 year

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SSR Sebek Zigvolt Dorm Uniform Personal Story: Part 1

"There is no time to whine!!!!"

Part 1 (Part 2) (Part 3)

[Lecture Hall]

―First year, Class A and D, Joint Protection Magic Class, 1st Session

Ace: Oh, there's the bell. Awesome, the first session of the joint class ended with just the explanation of the assignment.

Deuce: So our assignment during these four joint sessions is to… "Destroy the target with a combination of three or more types of magic."

Deuce: They just say "a target," but it's one of those dolls that move around like a person, right? These kinds of practical application classes feel so hard, I get so nervous.

Deuce: And on top of that, we gotta do it in front of everyone at the end. I can't look bad in front of the others…!

Ace: Yeah, this is gonna suck so hard, but really, the number one problem is gonna be…

???: I REFUSE!!

Deuce: Ack!? Th-That startled me.

Ace: Man, that ridiculously loud voice can only be..

Sebek: Why should I join forces with the likes of you!?

Classmate A: Whaddya mean, why? It's a group project! How many times do I gotta say it to get it through your skull!?

Deuce: Ah, that's Sebek form Diasomnia… Looks like he's picked a fight.

Ace: Well, yeah. It's 'cause they said, "Complete the assignment in randomly assigned groups of three and present the results to the class."

Ace: There's not a single soul in this school who'd wanna do that. And that includes me.

Deuce: Yeah, it's gonna be a pain, but… the teams that fail on the day of the final presentation'll get supplemental work, right?

Deuce: No way I'm gonna let that happen. So even if I don't like it, doesn't look like we got any other choice but to work as a team…

Sebek: The day our grades are released will be a very special day for me.

Sebek: As both Lilia-sama and Silver will be unavailable,

Sebek: I will have the greatest honor of escorting Malleus-sama all by myself.

Sebek: So I will not suffer any sort of poor performance on such an important day!

Sebek: There is no priority higher to me than guarding my liege-lord. Therefore, I have absolutely no time for supplemental assignments!

Ace: There it is, Sebek's Draconimania…

Deuce: That guy's always bringing up Draconia-senpai whenever he can.

Deuce: I get respecting your elders and all, but I don't know if he's just annoying, or thick…

Ace: Doesn't it look like the rest of his team's withdrawing a little? Seems to me like no one really wants to deal with him in his class normally.

Classmate B: You don't gotta yell, we totally feel you, we don't want more work either. All the more reason for us to work together...

Sebek: I will certainly avoid staying after class. For that to happen, I must eliminate all possible factors that may cause it.

Sebek: I can accomplish the task of combining three types of magic on my own. I need no help from you humans.

Sebek: IF ANYTHING, YOU WOULD BE NOTHING BUT HINDERANCES.

Classmate A: Hah? Did you just say we'd be "hinderances"?

Classmate A: Bro, you're always looking down on the rest of uh, huh. It really pisses me off…

Classmate B: Sigh… Just leave him. If he wants to do it by himself, just let him.

Classmate B: Doesn't matter to us if we get saddled with supplemental work or nothing, so if Sebek wants to do all the work, why should we care?

Classmate A: I guess so. There's no working with this guy. Good luck on your own.

Sebek: I've told you already, that was my intention from the beginning. The only thing that you two can do to assist is to do nothing.

Classmate A/B: UGH HE PISSES ME OFF!!

Deuce/Ace: Wow…

Deuce: Sebek's crazy. He's basically turned everyone against himself.

Ace: It'd be easier all around if he just stopped acting so arrogant and let them work together. He sucks at reading the room, man.

[Cafeteria]

―Lunch, same day

Ace: Ugh. We got here too late, and the only seats open are behind Sebek… Man, it's gonna be so noisy.

Deuce: Not like I want to sit next to you, either. Should've just come to the cafeteria earlier.

Ace: That's my line! But I guess we just gotta deal with it and sit here…

Lilia: By the way, Sebek, how was today's class?

Sebek: Sir! Everything went smoothly.

Lilia: Really? That's what you always say. You're only a first year, you can make a mistake here or there, you know.

Sebek: It's true. There were no issues!

Ace: …Pfft.

Sebek: Hm?

Sebek: Oh, it's Ace and Deuce from Heartslabyul. Did you just laugh at me?

Ace: Well, yeah, 'cause you said, "There were no issues!" And it's totally the opposite, hahah!

Silver: …Did something happen?

Deuce: He was arguing pretty loudly with his classmates in the Protection Magic class earlier.

Deuce: He insisted that he didn't "need any hinderances!" when it came to the three-man project he was assigned, so it looks like he's doing it by himself.

Ace: It's amazing the discord that he sowed in what was supposed to be a group project.

Lilia: What's this, Sebek? Did you get into it with your classmates again?

Silver: Sebek…

Ace: You gotta be overflowing with confidence to take on a project by yourself that they're telling us to in groups of three.

Sebek: What do you find funny about it? It is only natural for me to do something as simple as that, as one of the Young Master's retainers.

Ace: No way, you don't even register sarcasm either?

Deuce: I'm not looking to make fun like Ace, but… As an honor student, myself, I can't overlook this behavior.

Deuce: It's fine to have confidence, but don't make waves for the people around you. It's only going to cause problems.

Sebek: Hmph, how soft. One can only improve their skills by their own will, in the first place.

Sebek: If you find yourself being preoccupied by the whims of other people, then that is just proof that you lack focus. Perhaps instead of blaming others, you should blame your own weaknesses?

Ace: Man, you're a talker… You were so loud back in class, too. Can't you take that smart mouth of yours and actually put it to good use sometime?

Sebek: I came to Night Raven College solely for my liege.

Sebek: I am only here to protect him, so I am not concerned by how others perceive me.

Ace: Sigh… If we're still not getting through to him, there's literally no reason to keep trying.

Deuce: …We'll apologize to the upperclassmen here for interrupting your meal. It seems seats in the back have opened up, so we will move.

Silver/Lilia: …

Sebek: Hm? Lilia-sama, Silver, is something the matter?

Lilia: No, it's only… I just thought that you truly have a one-track mind when it comes to Malleus.

Sebek: Oh... Thank you very much! I am greatly honored to hear that from someone I respect so highly!

Lilia: That wasn't a compliment.

Part 1 (Part 2) (Part 3)

Requested by Anonymous.

#twisted wonderland #twst #sebek zigvolt #ace trappola #deuce spade #lilia vanrouge #twst sebek #twst ace #twst deuce #twst lilia #twst silver #twst translation #mention: malleus

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damiemontclair · 6 months

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I've had this post in my drafts since sunday. My mom and I have just been harassed by our neighbour again today so. I'm going to post it. Because thats 3 times in five days and I am sick of it and of being treated like I'm appropriating words that don't apply to me by people I talked to about this.

Theres this common misconception that you cannot experience xenophobia if you are x ethnicity in a country where x ethnicity is the majority. Or that a white person cannot experience xenophobia. But here is the thing. Xenophobia is not racism. Xenophobia means the fear of foreigners. And you can absolutely be the same ethnicity as someone while still being foreign.

I am as white as my neighbour. And yet my neighbour is from here, and I am not. And that is A Problem.

We have...

Been reported by neighbours over a minor violation of the law regarding our hedge (one which, btw, every other (German) neighbour indulges in) and sued by the state because of it (this happened right after my parents bought the house. It had never been a problem for the 30 years before that)

Had the police called on us by a neighbour multiple times for a variety of reasons, incl. made up ones

Been yelled at

Been insulted (we have some very creative neighbours, gotta give them that much)

Literally been told that we, as foreigners, don't understand the law (my father read up on it extensively). Multiple times. By multiple people.

We have a german name for making reservations. Otherwise it's anyones guess what people will write down.

Have had our names knowingly, on-purpose mispronounced by teachers for a cheap joke at our expense.

Been told by teachers who also taught french as a subject that 'this is x class not french i won't translate this exercise for you if you don't get it' (failed that class btw bc 2 years of german 'classes' was not enough to get the material)

Been told by teachers 'oh wow, I didn't expect you to get top grades with your accent' (my sister consciously keeps up her accent)

Been told various other rather problematic things by teachers considering it was a bilingual school with its fair share of french students

And a variety of other things I am too tired to make myself recall.

So yes. A white foreigner in a majority white country can experience xenophobia. It just looks slightly different from what you might expect. Amd yes, others have it plenty worse. It is no less xenophobia and I am done pretending everything is fine just because it could be worse. We had our neighbour come ring our bell to cause trouble two days in a row this weekend. She came by again today to start shit with my mother. We have her on tape as she calls us a bunch of stuff. We're not talking to her anymore until she apologises. I recon she'll die before she does so. She never wanted foreigners to buy the house next to hers. We've been living in this house for over 18 years. I am tired.

#tw xenophobia #I guess.#damie talks

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evalolxo · 10 months

Text

Fiction Turned Reality

Randy Orton x OC

Part 3

summary - two wrestlers get put in a storyline and it quickly becomes real.

warnings - gets a bit far fetched, this chapter is setting up smut teehee, #emotional

word count - 1.2k

kat's pov

13 years old

"he's going to be okay darling" my grandmother told me holding onto my hand with her own frail one.

my dad had been shot in the stomach by my own mother when she came home high on some class A drug.

he was now being operated on and i was waiting with my grandmother, she was the only person i had left.

the doctor came through the door and i looked up hopefully at him as he approached us.

"your son didn't make it, i'm sorry" he told mt grandmother and she let out a small gasp and i looked to the floor, i heard my grandmother start to cry and i looked up at her.

"grandma" i mumbled and she gripped my hand as hard as her weak one could which brought tears to my eyes.

i knew from that point i needed to put my own grief aside and help her with hers.

14 years old

"grandma, wake up you need to take your pills" i told her shaking her slightly, she made no movement at all and i furrowed my eyebrows.

"grandma?" i asked and soon noticed none of her body was moving, like she wasn't even breathing, i started to panic.

"grandma get up! you need to take your meds!" i shouted now shaking her more vigorously but no movement or reaction.

time skip

"these are your new foster father kat" the care lady told me and i looked up to see a very muscly man who was very tall and large, at 14 years old that's extremely scary.

"hi" i mumbled scratching my arm refusing to look up and he got on his knees in front of me, he was still very tall.

"hi i'm mark calaway, it's lovely to meet you" he spoke, his voice wasn't soft but it wasn't threatening either, he also had a very unique face.

14 1/2 years old

"please give me more time with her" i heard my foster father beg the care lady in the next room and i looked around at the posters that filled my temporary room.

i promised myself not to get attached as i knew i'd be leaving soon but i couldn't help it.

i was taken from mark that day and put through various foster systems all failing and as soon as i turned 18 they threw me out and i had to get a dead end job to survive, that's when i started training to be a wrestler again.

mark had gotten me into wrestling and showed me some moves while lightly training me, he never told me that his profession except he was in the sports industry.

present

we all turned to see the undertaker standing there and i furrowed my eyebrows, seeing him in person, he felt kind of familiar.

"she's just brillaint isn't she taker?" triple H joked ruffling my hair but i was more concentrated on trying to remember where i knew this guy from except from TV.

"let it sink in" the undertaker smiled at me and i instantly reconigsed the smile from when he kneeled in front of me when i was 14 years old 8 years ago.

"oh my god! mark!" i smiled brightly and attacked him with a hug with he instantly returned and he chuckled, everyone looked shocked and confused at what was happening.

"what the actual fuck?!" i laughed as we pulled away from the hug and he pointed at me with a look making me shut my mouth instantly but he just smiled again and hugged me once again to which i returned.

"what have i told you about swearing" mark told me and i nodded still smiling brightly.

"fuck it's been 8 years" i mumbled and mark sighed at the fact i had sworn again straight after.

"you were never one to listen" he joked and this made everyone even more shocked that the undertaker had made a joke.

"what's happening?" triple H asked which made me turn to him and i felt obligated to explain after seeing randy's confused expression.

"when i was 14 i was in the foster care system and mark had me for 6 months and got me into wrestling, you liar you're a wrestler!" i explained but then realized that was mark's job and he shook his head.

"i did say i was in the sports business so i didn't lie" he stated making me roll my eyes playfully.

"this is insane, so the undertaker was your dad for 6 months?" randy asked and i nodded smiling brightly, for some reason randy then had a small smile on his face.

time skip

i sat in my hotel room alone eating a bag of crisps in my spiderman onsie then heard someone knock on the door.

i furrowed my eyebrows before making my way to the door and opening it to see randy.

"come in" i told him and he smiled down at my appearance.

"why are you here might i ask?" i asked him smiling at he pulled the hood of my onsie over my face while laughing making me push him jokingly while laughing.

"i was bored and thought i'd come hang out, problem?" he asked smirking and i rolled my eyes before going back to the couch and motioning him to come sit beside me.

we sat an awkward distance apart but i decided to be bold and lay my head on his lap still looking at the movie as my legs hung over the couch arm rest.

in this process my hood had fell down and randy hesitantly started running his fingers through my hair making me look up at him.

as his long fingers softly ran through the threads of my hair i felt myself relaxing into his touch snd closing my eyes.

"you're so beautiful" randy whispered making my eyes shoot open and look at him, he had inches closer and was hovering above me, i felt myself gulp at the closeness.

"and you too" i whispered back and instantly cursed myself making him chuckle quietly that i could feel on my lips due to how close we were.

my eyes subconsciously looked down to his lips as i licked my own subtly and i looked back up at his eyes that were already boring into mine.

he leaned closer and i lifted my head slightly causing our lips to connect and his hand slowly made its way to the back of my neck to support my neck as our lips slowly got used to each other.

my hands made there way up to his cheeks and i slowly started to sit up, neither of us breaking the intimate kiss.

i was now sat on my legs next to him and suddenly one his hands were underneath my thigh as he carefully lifted it positioning it on the other side of him and i got the message and positioned myself to be straddling him without sitting on his lap.

my hair was covering the view of the side of his face as i was fully above him and his hands settled on my hips as mine still carefully rested on his cheeks.

i pulled away and we both opened our eyes but it was dark due to my hair blocking out the light but i could still see his clear blue eyes.

#randy orton #randy orton imagine #randy orton x y/n #the legend killer #the viper #randy orton x oc

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allysunny · 23 days

Text

i'm actually going insane and think i'm on the verge of a meltdown

i have so much uni shit to take care of. i have to prepare TWO projects that are GROUP projects,, but i'll have to do those all by myself because the person i'm paired up with doesn't help. i can't work with this person, they don't pull their weight, don't work, they don't even try, and every time they open their mouth i find myself rolling my eyes because their input is just so... so... so dumb. so irrelevant. it literally does not help and usually sets us back a few minutes. i hate to say this because i don't want to sound arrogant, but we're just not on the same level.

so i have two group projects to do, all by myself. i actually prefer to be the one doing it because that way i can ensure it's exactly to my liking,,, but it's a shit ton of work load.

one of the projects is for a class that i was really enjoying - my test went pretty well and i did an amazing job. my teacher gave me back my grade and it was ABSOLUTE SHIT. when i confronted her about it, she told me why she hadn't given me a higher grade and explained what my answers seemed to lack. when she was done explaining, i figured that what she told me wasn't enough to take away so many points. it just wasn't justified. so now i need to write a stellar paper, all by myself even though it's a group one, to raise my grade.

i have another group project from another class,, i don't mind the group here, but some of the people don't really seem to work and it pisses me off because i'm very anxious when it comes to stuff like this. the earlier we get started, the better - they, however, like to postpone everything. last minute is their way to go, but it doesn't work for me and my ocd.

lastly, i have this one class that is so fucking hard, i didn't even know what to write in the test. i had a terrible grade (this had never happened before this year), and now i have to study my fucking ass off to get a mediocre grade just so i won't fail. this is an impossible class and everyone i know has only managed to go through it with like, the bare minimum of a grade result. and i can't drop my gpa score.

to top it all off, the international services at my uni are late as hell, and they sent me new stuff to fill out for my studying abroad candidature. thing is, they sent it today (03/04), and want me to have EVERYTHING filled out until 05/04. even though all of these documents imply sending out emails to at least 5 different people and praying to god they will reply on time.

so i'm overstressed, overworked, overexhausted,, all my free time has been spent working. i can't do the things that make me happy (reading, writing, etc), because i don't have the time,,, and since i can't do them, i'm miserable all the time.

honestly this is all so stressing and i honestly should be working but instead i'm venting here. i'm sorry, i really just needed to let it all out because i've been crying and panicking for the past hour because everything is getting worse and collapsing.

oh well

i still hope y'all have a wonderful day ahead <3

#༊*·˚ allysunny's antics #i'm going insane #university is killing me #i just want to curl up and cry

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facewithoutheart · 2 years

Note

For the dialogue prompts: 2 and 3 and they're stuck in a stupidly small space (like a closet or a bathroom stall or something. Your choice!)

Also would really like to read something with prompt 10 if you're so inclined

I’m gonna stew on prompt 10 for a bit, but I did manage prompt 2 & 3:

The closet door shuts with a final sounding click, sending us into darkness.

It’s only because of my vampire vision that I can see Simon’s wince. “You do realize we just got locked in here, right?”

“Who made you the authority on locking doors?” I snarl. He’s so close to me I can feel the heat radiating off him, like a fire upon which I want to throw myself.

Simon wiggles the door handle. “That enough authority for you?”

“I suppose.” I’ve pressed my whole body against the other side of our small room but I can still feel the tips of his trainers against my polished boots. I unholster my wand. “Open Sesame.”

Nothing happens.

“Magic-dampening timber,” Simon clears his throat, “to keep the magickal objects stable.”

Fuck. I forgot. “Oh.”

“So spells won’t–”

“I’ve got it.”

In the silence I feel Simon’s pulse like it’s my own.

“Want to play a game?”

We already are, only he doesn’t know it. How long can I remain trapped in a closet with the man I most desire without draining him dry? “I can’t think of anything I would like less.”

Simon grunts and slams his head back against the wall behind him. “Look, Baz. We’re stuck here. There’s no way out; no magic to save us. But Possibelf checks this closet after class like clockwork to make sure no one’s stolen anything. Which means we have less than thirty minutes to burn.

“Either we play a game or we learn how many bottles of beer on the wall I can sing about until you go insane. Choice is yours.”

I sigh. “What exactly did you have in mind?”

We’re five down from twenty questions when it all goes sideways.

“A Paddington doll?” Simon giggles. “You sleep with a Paddington doll?

“I said I slept with a Paddington Bear doll. When I was younger.” Technically, last summer counts as being younger. “Does your limited grasp of the English language fail to encompass past tense?”

Still, Simon’s giggling. “Sorry. Sorry! My twelve-year-old self is just kinda freaking out on the inside right now.”

“Why?” I growl.

“Because it’s so human!” Simon exclaims. “Did you not bring him to Watford? No; you couldn’t have. I’d’ve noticed.”

I cross my arms over my chest; they nearly bump against Simon. “I left him at home.”

“So I wouldn’t find out?”

“So you wouldn’t damage him.”

Simon’s silent for a moment. “I want to say I would never have hurt an innocent creature like that, but I’ve just remembered the polecat.”

“Stinky.”

“What?”

Crowley. Did I just say that out loud?

“What did you say?” Simon repeats.

“I said,” my voice dripping with disdain, “Stinky. Which was his name.”

I can hear Simon wet his lips, the crisp click of him opening his mouth afterward. “You knew his name?”

I hum. “Professor Minos told me.”

“Why?”

There’s a small gap at the bottom of the door where a thin beam of light’s managed to stream through. “Because I wanted to make sure he was okay, after we let him go.”

Simon’s pulse strengthens. Beats faster. Thump-thump-thump. “Do I know you at all, Baz?”

Again, I hum. “Do you really want to?”

It’s only because of my vampire senses that I feel the brief touch of his fingertips on my elbow. “I didn’t think I did, but,” he swallows, “I’ve been wrong before.”

The closet door opens with a loud click, blinding me with its brightness.

From this prompt list

#snowbaz #fanfic #prompt ask

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emptifylie · 5 months

Text

i have no one to talk to about real shit so im posting it on tumblr. i have so many fucking friends and people around me who tell me that i could tell them anything, but i know if anyone knew the truth they wouldn't be able to look at me the same anymore. i binged yesterday, ate about 500 calories. i ate today too. i dont know whats wrong with me. i gained weight again, 124lbs. god i make myself fucking sick. today all i could think about was death. im not sad, im numb, and when im not numb its rage or deep depression that im feeling. i fell asleep in the locker room of my gym today. i finished my workout and i sat down for a minute and i woke up to a phone call from my mom asking me where i was. i slept for less than 5 minutes but it just, god, it felt like i died or something. i noticed the scar my ex gave me on my arm and it got me to finally remembering what actually happened and its fucking terrifying how i could still want him back so fucking badly. im sick. its not love that i still have for him, its just this fucking heart sinking feeling i have when i think about him, hangout with him, see him, i just want him to tell me he loves me again. he ruined my life and i want him back. he got me fucking addicted to drugs, fuck the scars, he literally RUINED my life. im a drug addict now, because of HIM. im so pathetic for still caring so much about him. im just pathetic period. tomorrow im skipping my first 3 classes to go to the gym. i cant be seen with all this extra fat on me. i might just skip school all together. fuck, i told myself i was going to start caring about my life again. im just so tired. nothing feels the same anymore. i cant bring myself to feel excitement or happiness about anything anymore. even when i lose weight i still find a way to turn it into something else to be upset over. the biggest problem though, out of everything, is that i actually think that my only option is to die. because where the fuck am i going with my life???????? im a drug addict who doesnt eat most days out of the week/all days out of the week. ive been depressed for the majority of my life. i still want my ex and its been almost a year and i still haven't gotten over him, fuck i still hangout with him like everyday after EVERYTHING he's done to me. i am complacent with living like this. im complacent to my messy room that smells like weed, vomit, cigs and rotting food 24/7. im complacent to failing school, i dont even try anymore to do better. i still binge even though i know it'll undo a weeks worth of fasting that was absolute torture to go through and made me a nuisance to everyone. im just okay with living like this. thats what makes it so hard to want to be alive. i feel like im living in a movie where the ending is me giving up on ever getting better and dying. i knew when i was little that i was gonna do drugs. i remember that very clearly, stealing vodka at age 7 just to be like my teenage brother and his friends who just seemed so cool to me. i knew when i was little that i was going to make myself skinny one day. i remember once on opposite day in 1st grade my mom got me an outfit to wear and i told her i looked too fat to wear it and went to school in normal clothes. why have i always hated myself this much? why does it feel like my whole life is leading up to my inevitable destruction? i wish i was more like the "depressed" girls on tiktok lol. i saw this girl who made a post with the "i miss the rage" audio talking about getting high every weekend. like god, FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. imagine thinking getting high every WEEKEND is so bad that you have to make a post about it. not actually mad at her tho its still bad, its no competition, im just talking about how it made me feel. it just makes my problems feel so much fucking worse. i did the math and i have been just cali sober a total of 12 days this year. 354 days out of the year i have been on drugs. my problems arent normal for that of my age.

like i saw this other post too, that dumbass audio from skins, "i didnt eat for 3 days so i could feel lovely" again, its not a competition but ive gone weeks without eating and ive never met someone who can relate to that. obviously i know there are people out there with worse problems than that but im just fucking saying that it makes me feel like a fucking freak. like if those are the worst problems out there that are worth being talked about, how bad am i??? i feel like i reached the limit years ago, the limit of how fucked up you could be without being weird and now that ive gone past it i just feel like a lost cause. i havent felt like a person in years.

i want to be a human being again. i want to be a normal teenage girl.

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krisrussel · 5 months

Note

1, 4, 24, 30 for the fun asks

Thank you for the questions :)

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

TV shows are definitely high on that list. I grew up with Star Trek The Next Generation, The Pretender, Lois & Clark, Babylon 5,... I once told JMS (the creator of B5) at a con that B5 made me a better person as it shaped me as a young teen and taught me values I still uphold today. It's the same with all the other shows I watched during that time really.

My memory issues. Not that long ago I found out I don't just have a crappy memory, I actually have a condition called SDAM (Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory). It's basically the opposite of people who can remember every single detail of their lives. I can't. My life is mostly an empty void. I know basic facts about my life, like where and when I met my partner, and where and when my child was born, but I don't actually remember it. And the few things I do have a memory of, I don't experience in first person view, but as a bystander, watching what happened instead of reliving it. It has definitely changed how I live and how important pictures and videos are to remember my own life.

My friends. I know it's corny, but friends are so important to me and even to this day, they still teach me new things. Chosen family is the best family.

4. what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

I know there are some. But they are usually a spur-of-the-moment thing and I can't really think of any, except for there's one with my partner where, when we're in the car, I act scared of a certain bridge and then he says "There's pianos on the ceiling." But yeah, that's a whole story...

24. what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

I'm the worst at complimenting myself and seeing good things about myself. So this is a difficult one... ok, I think it's that I work as a Piping Designer (designing piping systems for industrial factories) after not even finishing high school. I had to double my year (again) and instead, my parents sent me to go work in a store and told me to quit school. Not long after my partner and I moved in together and I lost the store job. So I started going to night classes while doing temp jobs (no high school degree) and then decided to go to full-time adult school to get trained as a technical designer. So now, 20 years later, I have a high-ranking job with a great pay all while still not having a high-school diploma... So yeah, kinda proud of that and that I didn't listen to my parents, but did my own thing.

30. what’s one thing that never fails to make you happy/happier?

Watching Enchanted. That movie helped me through a burnout. Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I turn it on and I almost instantly feel happy. It's so silly, but I don't think that will ever change. Obviously, there are also other things that insta-happy me, but Enchanted is the main one.

#question time #thank you

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pointofreturn · 2 months

Text

professor's pet, pt. 3

The next semester, I signed up for the professor’s literature class. Several of my friends were in the class. We were loud and silly and everyone was trying to impress each other with their opinions on the texts the professor built his career on. But he had that special ability to make us feel comfortable enough to be our weird, nerdy selves. The class was a real-life Dead Poet’s Society, at least for the few weeks we were together.

He seemed unable to hide his focus on me. If I leaned my head over to rest, he’d lean into my ear to ask if I was okay instead of listening to the student speaking. During a guest lecturer’s speech, I got up to excuse myself and he followed just after, prompting an intimate moment translucent to the entire class, pressing to make sure I was okay. He gave me a box of Thin Mints and walked me out to the parking lot late when no one else was around and my car smelled like weed. He always held the door for me and never failed to provide a chivalrous hand to help me. One day, I remind him about something he forgot to send me, and he earnestly promised to be better to me, better for me. Surely, he’s naturally a gentleman, and all of these happenings are little things that happened to every other woman he had eyes for, but there was a slow flame burning between us.

And I’m not the only one who felt it.

Two of my friends approached me and asked what was going on between us. I don’t say that anything is, but I don’t say that anything isn’t either.

“I knew it! He treats you differently. It’s really noticeable.”

“I’ve never seen him act that way with anyone. I can’t even get him to answer an email.”

I wished I’d been more willing to see the warning signs. But as always, I was intoxicated with his obsession with me. I couldn’t help but continue to provide the temptation, continue playing the chess game.

Just before spring break, I borrowed an expensive book of his for a prospective project. It was March 2020. COVID destroyed the world overnight. I stayed in Florida and he went back to the Midwest. We didn’t see each other for two years.

Yet, we kept in touch, even though there was no reason. He remembered texted me each year on my birthday and Thanksgiving and even early on Christmas morning when the last thing on his mind should be a student. I have a distinct memory of him saying he didn’t do things like that because he too often forgot. We talked occasionally about my thesis and Ph.D. applications.

He started texting me late at night. But no boundaries were crossed, yet.

We talked about seeing each other when he came back. I decided to stay at Another University for another degree, hopeful I’ll be able to establish a long-term career and finally achieve job stability. I take classes and teach online, staying concerned and vigilant about COVID long after the rest of the world decided to leave it behind.

During the time the professor and I were separated, I met my friend Jane. We quickly became close, she moved to Florida, and we started hanging out regularly.

In the spring, the professor returns.

I still work remotely, but Jane sees the professor often. She tells me they talk about how wonderful I am, and how we should hang out with her and her husband. I told her nothing about the seemingly endless slow burn.

She comes over to my house one night, gushing.

“Isn’t he so cute? And single? I almost can’t believe it…”

“Yeah, he’s a mystery! No denying that.”

Jane pauses, lighting another cigarette and sipping on a condensed glass of wine.

“Have I told you I’m in an open relationship?”

I’m caught off guard; I don’t expect this.

“Oh…that’s interesting!”

“Yeah—our rules are ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ unless it’s important or an emergency.”

“And that’s worked for you?” I already knew it hadn’t, or it wouldn’t forever.

“Oh yeah! Being open makes the marriage so much better.” She has that devil look in her eyes. “I’ve had a few boyfriends since we’ve been married. And now, I might have my sights set on a new one…”

“______?” His name burns on my tongue. I’ve always hated saying it.

“Of course! If I can ever figure him out. I think he’s flirting back at me, but I can’t tell if that’s just his personality.”

I smile, not really wanting to continue the conversation but trying to look unbothered.

“What is it?” she drags the cigarette stub. “I can tell there’s something you want to say.”

At this moment, I trust her, I think she’s my friend.

And in a lapse of judgment, I tell her about our flame.

I explain the situation to her with as much ration as I can. And that’s what it is—a situation between a student and professor quickly nearing sticky territory. I tell her the situation is confusing for me and there’s something unexplainable about the connection. I tell her I can’t deny my attraction to him and I’m not sure where this will ever end up.

“Hmm,” she says after I finish. She holds herself in that way I’m unsure of. “Well, I wouldn’t take him too seriously.” She finally puts out the cigarette, burnt through the filter.

“But I’m still gonna try to fuck him anyway.”

I should have known at this moment to cut her off.

#creative nonfiction #creative writing #memoir #writeblr #writers on tumblr #writing #academia #graduate school

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my-own-walker · 8 months

Text

Someone You've Never Seen Before

A Kyle Spencer Fan Fiction

frat!kyle AU, fem!main character, sexual themes, mature language, use of drugs and alcohol, frat boy antics

I slammed the apartment door shut and threw my bag onto the ground. My keys landed with a loud clatter on the counter. My boots clunked against the wall after kicking them off as hard as possible.

"Jesus, Han, what's your damage?" Lily groaned, emerging from her room. She was nursing a mighty hangover. Pi Phi took "Thirsty Thursdays" seriously.

"That fucking class makes me sick," I spat, throwing myself onto the couch. I looked over at Lily who had shuffled further into the living room. It was only the second week of classes and she had already skipped three lectures.

"What class?" she asked, dragging her feet as she traveled to the kitchen. She turned the tap on and poured herself a glass of water.

I chewed my cheek, pulling my legs up to sit criss-cross-applesauce on the sofa. "Calculus," I sighed, throwing my head back. "Another quiz today."

"Why the fuck did you sign up for calculus, Hannah?" Lily scoffed, throwing a few pills into her mouth before using her water to swallow them. "You know you suck at math. Why such a hard class?" she continued after a large gulp.

"Man, I was late for registration, remember? It was the only math available."

"I just don't understand why you didn't hold off until next semester, or even next year, then," she shrugged. She walked to join me on the sofa. She sat and swung her legs up to the side and rested her head on my shoulder.

"I wanna take fun classes my senior year," I whined. "I can't hold it off forever." Lily nestled into the crook of my neck.

"What upset you today anyways?" she asked.

"Pretty sure I failed another quiz. I am going to ruin my GPA for a stupid math credit," I muttered. "Plus, I humiliated the fuck out of myself."

"How so?"

"I was desperate. Like, my mind was fucking blank. So I decided to try to cheat," I replied sheepishly. Lily popped her head up and looked at me, baffled.

For some helpful context, I was practically a perfect student. High school Hannah graduated with a 4.0 GPA. I was involved in student government, theater, and the French club. I was on the honor roll and was in the running for valedictorian. I excelled so much that I got into every college I applied to. I received decent scholarships, if not full rides, from each university as well.

I never got in trouble, either. Along with my good grades, I was also a model student. I never skipped school, I never cheated on tests, and I sure as hell never got yelled at by my teachers. I was so scared of being reprimanded that I worked extra hard to be flawless. The only time I could remember being told off by a teacher was during fourth grade. She didn't even yell at me, per se. She questioned the integrity of my reading log, thinking I may have forged my mother's signature, and I lost it.

My need for perfection didn't stop when I started college. Lily would always make fun of me for how hard I tried to get perfect grades in every single class. I wanted to keep my options open in terms of grad school, so I had to continue to excel. She swore I would develop a stomach ulcer one day because of the stress I put on myself. The Hannah she knew would never cheat.

"I know, Lily," I groaned. "But I couldn't not. I can't fail this shitty class."

"So you tried to cheat. Tried. What happened?" she asked. "Did you get caught or something?"

"Yes, but not by the professor. The kid I was cheating off of caught me," I laughed, shaking my head at myself. "Kyle fucking Spencer. The frat guy."

"Hannah," Lily gasped.

"I know."

"That's so bad. Humiliating almost. What the fuck made you decide to do that? Like, Kyle Spencer. Kyle Spencer of Kappa Lambda Gamma," she cried.

"He's like, scary good in the class. He's a math god or something. I couldn't help but notice so I leaned over to see his answers," I explained. "He saw me and covered his paper, then made fun of me outside as I was leaving."

"That's so bad," Lily audibly whispered.

"I fuckin' know," I uttered. Lily returned her head to my shoulder. I relaxed into her and pulled my cell phone out of my pants pocket. I mindlessly scrolled Twitter, trying to forget everything that had transpired in the day. I was so embarrassed and likely failing calculus. Lily shifted next to me and sniffed.

"I don't feel good," she groaned. I rubbed her arm knowingly.

"You know what would make you feel better?"

"What?"

"Alcohol," I replied deviously. Lily sat up quickly to look me in the eyes. She feigned a gag before mustering a response.

"You're kidding." She flopped back onto the other side of the couch demonstratively. "Hannah, I can't even think about drinking right now."

"Did you ever hear of 'Hair of the Dog'?" I scoffed.

"No, Han, I'm not a bastard Bostonian," she moaned. "I don't know any stupid northern sayings like that."

I reached over and smacked her leg lightly. "Excuse me, miss," I gasped. "I'll have you know that that is NOT just a northern-exclusive saying. And, I am not from Boston." I folded my arms over my chest, feigning shock. "Hair of the Dog is drinking more when you're hungover, bitch. It's supposed to help."

"I think you're an alcoholic," Lily murmured.

I stood from the sofa and padded over to the kitchen, electing to make myself something to eat before drowning in liquor. We needed to go grocery shopping. There wasn't much left in the pantry besides bread and various cans of vegetables and soup. I decided some toast would be fine.

"On second thought, Hannah," Lily called from the other room, "I think I need a fuckin' drink."

"That's my girl," I smiled, satisfied with my job of convincing my friend to engage in bad behavior with me.

I knew from the second I met Lily Davies that I'd have my hands full. She garnered everyone's attention. She was a bright light that no one could take their eyes off of. Lily was beautiful. And I'm not saying that lightly. There was a light in her eyes that let others know she wasn't some run-of-the-mill pretty girl. No. She was witty. Funny. She could draw a crowd.

I consider myself so lucky to have her. When we met, I half expected her to laugh in my face. In my eyes, we existed on two very different planes. Nonetheless, we clicked, and for that, I was forever grateful. At parties like this, she commanded the room, while I became a wallflower. Our relationship was simple. She would drag me to parties, I would be her de-facto bodyguard, she would have fun, and I would make sure we got home in one piece.

I watched her as she danced in her itty-bitty black dress. Her shiny blonde hair bounced as she moved and the light hit her skin perfectly. I kept my eyes fixated on her. I was more than happy with being the sidekick in Lily's story. More than happy to be the bad guy that pulled her away from unsavory men. She was a sunflower and I was her stem, supporting her through anything.

She had the power to say things to men that would steal their breath and make them delirious. It was dizzying. I made it my personal job to rescue her from situations she didn't want to find herself in. When she got drunk, she got flirty, and college boys have an easy time taking things the wrong way.

We landed on heading to Tau Kappa Epsilon's beginning-of-semester party after much debate. When I begged Lily to drink with me, I meant in our apartment, watching movies and eating disgusting quantities of junk food. All fraternities and sororities on campus were invited, though. So there I went, supporting my best friend in her social endeavors.

The crowd was suffocating. TKE's house wasn't big enough to hold an event like that. But Lily still found a way to dance. She was like that. With good music and a little something to drink, she was the life of the party.

I left her to go get us some more drinks. We pre-gamed the party in the apartment. The plan was to arrive drunk and get home relatively sober. But once we got there, she decided she needed something more. I didn't trust the knuckleheads serving the alcohol to not give her something extra in her drink if she went to get it herself. Instead of joining her, though, I delivered her a red solo cup full of cheap beer and returned to my spot against the wall. It wasn't a pleasant night for a party of this caliber. I sweat bullets through my dress.

Party attire was important. I didn't care much for dresses, but the situation I found myself in warranted it. Out of sheer avoidance of great guy bullies making fun of me, I settled on a loose-fitting floral print dress I found at a thrift store. Regardless of how cooling it should have been, the humidity in the air was unbearable. Maybe I shouldn't have worn the Doc Martens.

I looked back over at Lily and found that the wolves had descended on her. Two guys, the identities of which I couldn't make out, stood uncomfortably close to her. They were stooped down, I assume in an attempt to hear her better.

I could tell by the way he was holding himself, that one of the dudes thought he was the shit. He stood with his shoulders wide and his chin tilted upward. I grew sick watching him speak closely to her ear. She replied with a smile to whatever he said, looking up at him with her sparkly doe eyes. I could see this ending horribly. I began meandering through the throngs of people, trying to get to her before it was too late.

As I was steps away from Lily and the two frat guys, I watched one place a hand on her hip, pulling her closer to him. Her eyes widened and her stance stiffened up. She was clearly uncomfortable.

"Hey, asshole!" I shouted. "Get your fucking hands off her!"

"Hey, hey," The guy shouted protectively, throwing his hands up. He turned to face me, and to my dismay, it was Kyle. "What's good?"

"Do you mind letting go of her, please?" I spat, standing with my arms folded. Lily looked at me with pleading eyes. I could see by the way she was swaying that she was very drunk. The poor girl had problems standing up for herself, but that's what I was there for.

"She doesn't have a problem with me, right Lily?" Kyle replied, hugging my best friend tighter, playfully mussing up her hair.

"Bro, let go of her," I persisted, stepping forward slightly.

"I'm not doing anythi-"

"I will fucking scream," I yelled, interrupting him.

"Fine, fine," Kyle laughed, releasing Lily from his grasp and shoving her gently in my direction. He looked at his frat brother, Ethan with wide eyes and chuckled again. "What, are you like, in love with her?" He was trying to tease me, but I was too angry to care.

"Shut the fuck up, Spencer," I gritted back, grabbing Lily by the hand, and beginning to walk away.

"Hey, you didn't think so bad of me when you were looking at my quiz earlier," he called after me, punctuating the barb with a laugh. I didn't turn around, though. Instead, I continued to weave through the crowd, trying to get to the door.

I muttered a softly spoken magic spell willing the universe to have Kyle get hit by a bus on his way home.

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#evan peters #evan peters fic #ahs #ahs coven #kyle spencer fanfic #kyle spencer

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dolcefarnientelife · 10 months

Text

So you all don't know me truly speaking I don't know myself either I know I want to become rich but how I don't know that

So if you're confused what are you reading don't doubt your reading skill I very confused while writting this

I heard that Journaling helps to sort out your thoughts so I guess let do it here on Tumblr

So I'm going to be anonymous here

Right now as if today life is confusing I have enrolled for a medical school admission test prep classes but I am not sure if I want to do that I did it because it seems like the simplest answer but now when it's due date is coming closer I am panicking

I'm in school too it's 12th standard I'm going to be 18 by the time I pass out but everyone will be 17 only I'm already year behind I have big dreams with loads of money a beautiful and intelligent wife impeccably outstanding four kids who are overachiever in every field so am I but only in dreams I'm no where near it in reality I'm scared I will even disappoint myself can you believe that I'm not good enough even for me in my imaginations all of them have dreams success and love I don't have that I don't think I ever will

I also think I'm turning atheist I am s Muslim by the way but between all thse chaos in life I turned to him but still I didn't find calm I was so disappointed in myself when I failed to be on the path for more than 2-3 days so stopped all together

While writting these I'm constantly thinking is really how I feel or it's my best foot forward strategy I'm checking myself at each step if this is me but is me IDONTKNOW

I'm not talking to anyone at home these past w days after a fight with my father because I screamed he slapped me 3 times while I was trying to eat so flipped my plate which was infront of me so mom told my father to slap me again so I stopped talking to her

You know I continously want to cry hard so whatever is in me come out but it's not happening I am searching crying people on YouTube watching sad movies but still nothing

I used to listen to romance audiobooks and stuff now i have stopped enjoying them suddenly maybe because when female protagonist describe the male hero he always so good successful a winner in everything and muscular over 6ft ans d all brilliant I get jealous if them because I'm not like them maybe never will I 5ft7in I was going to write only infront of it but I changed my mind when summer vacation started in June I decided to better myself I started working out sleeping early watching joe rogan alex huberman and all other but then fell out of it . When I got into it deep I realized I need money to become muscular jacked and all then started watching iman gadzhi then realized I m not capable for it then stopped exercising too

I thought I have mental problem you know I walk while listening to music and start creating different scenarios sometimes when come out of it I feel maybe I was a saying it out loud or maybe mumbling and my family and people think I am talking to myself or turning my neck to talk to someone who isn't there so yeah there's that too

I'm not doing good in school too I used to be fairly good student but now I'm going below average I m scared of being poor and helplessness you know ibdont want to be that I want a big house good earning a bigger dick maybe I didn't told you all I am a male so yeah I'm a currently 17 year old male

I watched a reel in which I came across the phrase dolcè far niènte phrase its Italian I think it means sweetness of doing nothing so I named my account after that

I have more thing but maybe some other time in another post

I just going to the post option when I saw gif option I clicked on it searched dick first and it showed a bunny and then I searched penis then it showed this?here? Yeah nothing

I am ashamed 😅😅

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zinniajones · 1 year

Text

Partial description of Sep 2 2022 river incident (Oct 22)

(tw near-death experience, drowning, fear, life-threatening danger, anxiety, trauma)

(copied from Twitter thread on October 22 2022)

I hope I haven't been unclear about this on here, but the near death experience from almost drowning has actually been far more severely damaging to me emotionally than I've made it out to be. Like, however well I make it seem like I'm keeping it together, it has been hard

(I am not sure I seem like I'm keeping it together. Idk)

I mean it's been two months and I am completely useless over this

I have had traumatic things happen that, while not as apparently severe as this, did pull a lot of unexpected things into my long-term memory from the surroundings. Things like remembering every word of a poem because I once completely blanked on it in front of class in 9th grade

That comes to bear on this issue because the event itself was bookended by two and a half hours of kayaking, and *after it had happened and I almost died and saw that* I immediately had to get back in and kayak down the river for another two hours in the same conditions

So that may be part of why I'm frequently thinking about the properties of the river, frequently recalling an image right in front of my face of what it looks like to be looking down the river, aware that this river is a very frightening place, and aware that it represents death

We know that at that point of the river the water level had to be deeper than 6 feet because Heather's feet did not touch the riverbed as she was treading water

Also nobody else there cares about any of this and when we asked others on the mostly unmarked river how long it was until it reached the end, they repeatedly told us "oh you're just about halfway!" at points that were actually anywhere from 3 to 7 miles

Suggesting that even they could not narrow down something like the length of a river beyond the range of somewhere between 6-14 miles long. Competent

Reviews of the kayak rental vendor indicate several people had to pull over out of the river and exit due to impassable conditions. At least one person reported exiting via land. This map shows multiple routes of land exit available immediately before the incident occurred

At the time before the event, including before we got to this segment which offered multiple possibilities of exit on land, I said this might be necessary due to worsening conditions and I was told by everyone present that this was not possible

So this was entirely preventable, and I actually tried to prevent this happening several times before it did happen, and others around me made sure those conditions would remain unchanged, and then I almost died, and then they told me I still had to kayak the two hours out. Any one person could have stopped this from happening to me and they passed on several opportunities even once it became clear that this route was now challenging even to experienced kayakers

Why would you go kayaking when you don't know how to swim, Zinnia? You know what, before we even got halfway I began to understand this was a bad idea too, and I tried to leave, meaning I tried to stop myself and, belatedly, make the decision you would want me to ideally make

So the ones to point the finger at in that situation would be, oddly enough, everyone who's not me

I tried to stop dangerous conditions from happening to me. When I wasn't allowed to, I tried to stop us from running into anything. When I failed and hit a tree and fell out, I tried to stop myself from drowning despite not knowing how to swim. I succeeded where others failed me. That's not me being irresponsible and not knowing how to swim, that's me taking the responsibility of trying to manage around that issue in several different ways throughout the day and during the event itself even if I haven't figured out how to swim despite years of tutoring. Responsibility doesn't stop and end with me, it also doesn't stop and end with just making sure you can swim. It extends to a lot of people and a lot of decisions. I'm still struggling to understand how I'm supposed to be so at fault for what happened to me. I didn't want to die. Have you ever just not wanted to die? It's such an experience to feel it happening to you, to know everyone saw it happening, and see that everyone just does not care and expects you to keep going down that way when you could fall out in another 20 meters and die again

Here's the thing: Right after it had happened I assumed they would take me seriously about the issues I had raised due to what had just happened and me being fairly correct about it being a problem. I assumed they would now understand there was a hazard. Not so. Do you even know what that does to your trust in people? To your ability to believe that any person cares about you continuing to be alive at all? I'm still trying to analyze from every direction some infinitesimally thin slice of that river and an instant in time where something that's still largely incomprehensible happened to me at the edge of my own existence. Everyone else seems scarcely aware anything happened at all

Can you just get over it, Zinnia? So I'm working on a definitive account of the event and what I saw when it happens ("void NDE"), I'm continuing to document all of the relevant circumstances, I'm reading the experiences of others, I'm looking through pictures of the river all the time, I'm drinking

What exactly am I supposed to do? Just have that not have happened to me? I already tried to stop it from happening to me. Briefly, the "near death experience" I had was that when you die you go nowhere, it was not the ones with feelings of calm and traveling towards light, this was reality and you stop existing when your body is destroyed and I saw it about to happen to me

I've had to *look* for people who've seen this and understand this feeling and I have found them, but only on occasion, and so this isn't an experience of near-death extreme psychological shock that's relatable to most people - or even most people who've almost died

I have never felt more fundamentally alone as a conscious entity in the world than I have since September 2 because I know now that when your self and everything you are comes to an end, there is no one and nothing else there, you are always alone when it happens to you

I haven't found anything yet that does a thing to put a dent in that feeling. I was alone, and functionally, I am alone because it can happen at any time and when it does it's going to be of foremost concern to me, because others won't be the ones who are annihilated

I'm literally just a floating point-of-view in a *frightening* one-story-house of reality with nowhere to go up or down, and it's ready to close in on you from all sides almost faster than you can realize it's happening

So, I'm sorry, I'm somehow supposed to *not* be thinking about that constantly? My chief task is now to indefinitely find ways of living the rest of my life without that being front and center every day? I'm not sure there's a way to not be very aware of that, but because I'm not sure, I'm looking for ways to address this just to make sure I've done everything I can that could make this somehow manageable in terms of mental health and being able to function

It's been 51 days now where I wake up knowing this with certainty about how reality works, knowing for sure that human life is finite and there is not "maybe a chance" you get to persist in some other form, and I knew all of these facts before, but now I know it's still so scary

It's so bad in ways that can't be conveyed without it happening to you, it's just the worst thing I've ever felt to the point that I'm thinking about it constantly, and I don't have that happen about a *lot* of very bad and frightening things that had happened to me before

It's a knowledge I had, now reinforced knowledge through something having happened that was outside the normal experience of reality. The traditional words for this are faith, belief, or spiritual experience, but this wasn't a belief or an effort of faith. It was forced on me

It was a transcendent experience that transcended life and existence into nothingness. I only believe in the annihilation. The fact that I still get up after all of that and tell myself "Well okay. Go fight transphobes" is a testament to some kind of absurdism

If you see pictures of a place and it looks like this, and you go there, you could end up like me. I'm not just saying you don't want to die, I'm saying you don't want to end up like whatever I am now

Not only do you need to make sure you don't die for as long as possible, you need to make sure you don't even get into situations where you're facing imminent death but survive because awareness of death is itself a severe psychic hazard

What I'm trying to warn you about is that once you've seen it and know what happens, you know it's everywhere and you will never be able to forget it or what it feels like. And it feels like that everywhere

Representative photos from others of the river, this is roughly what it looks like on the day you have this experience

Some parts of this video are also accurate to the experience of drowning in a river https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CM7nSuFrGZ0

#tw death #nde #void #void nde #tw drowning #near death experience #near death tw #Zinnia Jones #atheism #extremely strong atheism

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