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#That was 4 years ago and I will genuinely never forget that 'day'

joonsytip · 4 months

Text

Withering for You || Seungcheol- Part 3

Pairings: Seungcheol x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Smut, CEO! Seungcheol au, Husband! Seungcheol au, Wife! Reader au, Music Teacher! Reader au, Arranged Marriage au, College Sweetheart au, Exes to Lovers au

Synopsis: When you are arranged married to the man, whose heart you had broken years ago, even dreaming about mending things seems next to impossible when he has been holding grudge for all these only to return it to you tenfold.

Warnings (specific to this part): suggestive, crying, profanities, love blooms, mentions of infidelity (doesn't happen to though), mention of alcohol consumption, betrayal, rock bottom, italics represents occurrences in past

Word Count: 6.4k

TAGLIST FOR THIS SERIES IS CLOSED!

Banner credits to my baby @hoeforhao <3

[ SVT Masterlist ] [ SVT Flick - Fic Masterlist ]

Seungcheol is distressed. He thinks something is wrong with you. Though he had dismissed all the previous occurrences, he can't do it anymore. You're distant nowadays. You don't kiss him goodbyes. You don't say the 'I love you's. You're always ditching him at any chance given. You don't let him sneak into your sheets.

The inseparable godly campus couple are barely seen together nowadays. The rumours are being spread. Some are worried, some are happy. Though you both had no secrets, Seungcheol still thinks you must have your own reasons if you're keeping something upto yourself. He tries his best to be patient and waits for you to come back because he trusts you.

Seungcheol is an enigma. He's sculpted, he's hella smart, he's hella rich. The girls lined up outside the dorm just to catch a glimpse of him. The guys hogged out his dorm room just to know how can someone be a full package.

He knew people would either love him for his looks or mostly for his money. He had no hope of making genuine friends until he came across Wonwoo, a scholarship student, who was aloof and coincidentally his assigned roommate.

If Seungcheol thought he was good at pushing people away, he was amazed to see Wonwoo. Sharing the dorm room with him was almost living alone. Seungcheol couldn't pinpoint why but he knew Wonwoo hated him. So one day after gathering courage and confronting him, Seungcheol comes to know about his cautiousness against rich people in general. Then one talk lead to two, two lead to three and that's how Seungcheol and Wonwoo became friends.

He was sure he wouldn't find love until you came in the picture.

A hard slap comes against Seungcheol's cheek and the whole campus becomes eerily silent.

"How dare you submit my assignment in your name?", you are fuming in rage and raise your hand to slap him again when he holds your hand mid air.

"What the hell are you talking about?", he hisses through his teeth.

You scoff, "The audacity to pretend, Mr. Choi Seungcheol. Just because you have looks and money which you have no contribution in, you think you've conquered the world.", you free your arm from his grip, "Come to the professor's cabin at 2 or else I'll skin you alive. Pathetic loser."

You walk away but Seungcheol has his head spinning. He doesn't get why he got slapped out of nowhere and why the hell would he submit your assignment in his name when he doesn't even know you.

Then the lightbulb in his head goes off.

He immediately corners Jiah.

"What have you done?", he asks angrily.

Jiah is sweating, when she had assured Seungcheol that she would take care of the assignment because he had to aid his father with some business work and would be out of the country for two weeks, she didn't foresee herself completely forgetting about it.

So when she saw a binder kept on a desk, she silently took it and attached Seungcheol's name and details on it, tearing away the original owner's details.

Confident that even if someone caught onto it, they would let it slide just to get on Seungcheol's good side, she never thought it would backfire so bad.

Hence, Seungcheol is currently standing in the professor's cabin admitting to the wrong, head hung low.

You stand straight, head high also glaring at the professor, "What if he had not admitted to doing it? You'd have my whole work credited to him. Next time if something like this happens under my watch, I'll report it to the committee."

The professor gulps nervously and you are walking out not sparing another second.

That's where it all begun. Him knowing your name from the professor and chasing you down to apologise. You unabashedly giving him lectures on authenticity and ethics whenever he approached you.

You frequently get to see him, coincidentally or not. Him trying to make small talks, you ending his approach with an one word answer and moving ahead.

"Are you stalking me?", comes your sudden question one day.

"No, but I do look forward to seeing you, talking to you.", comes his honest answer.

He notices, you also like to keep your circle small. You're seen everywhere with the same two people. Now it's your turn to be amused when one day Mingyu insists on bringing Seungcheol to the musical, the one in which you've contributed to the background score. You're left embarrassed when at the end of the show he yells your name and applauds the loudest because he is mesmerized. That night he treats the whole team to dinner.

"I think Seungcheol likes you.", Eunsoo tells you one day.

"The almighty Choi Seungcheol?", you are laughing, "Soo, I don't match his social status. Have you seen those plastic heiress chasing him? I had even slapped him infront of the whole campus."

"Look, we have become good friends but I do know he approached me because of you.", Mingyu admits, "He definitely likes you."

"Do you like him?", Eunsoo asks you.

"Why would I like him?", you ponder.

Wonwoo is an observer. And with his special skill he deducts that his friend must have had his heart taken.

"So who's the one?", he asks one night when they're both getting ready for bed.

"Who's who?", Seungcheol asks confused.

"The one you like."

"Am I that obvious?"

"Yes. Please it be anyone except for Jiah, I can't tolerate her. Anyways, I know it wouldn't be her...", then Wonwoo goes on about how he spends less time in the dorm room nowadays. How he's always wandering around in the campus which he never did before. How he's consistent in attending the same two specific lectures.

"It's Y/N.", he says shyly, hiding his face behind his palms.

"No wonder, you're a masochist.", Wonwoo lays down on bed, "You like the girl who slapped you."

Seungcheol gasps, utterly embarassed, "Stop blabbering nonsense!"

When he asks you out, instead of being taken out to a fancy restaurant as initially planned you request him to go on a movie date.

It took you five dates to make him know you.

"We don't belong to the same class, Seungcheol."

"I'm not looking for anything temporary, Seungcheol."

"I don't enjoy the luxuries, I'd rather achieve everything on my own, Cheol."

"I like to keep my circle small amd private. Nothing extravagant."

"I like you too but would you accept me after knowing all this?"

The response from him comes as strong as a whirlwind in the form a deep kiss. You might have been hesitant at start but he has always been sure.

Things have gotten better since your birthday. Seungcheol's hostility towards you has decreased and though you want to question him about this certain change, those take a backseat just to not lose what you have at this moment.

He snarks at you less. Listens if you have something to say. Checks upon you occassionally. Wears the attire you choose for him, you both have breakfast & dinner together. But you still sleep in separate rooms but after intimate nights he doesn't leave, rather sleeps in nowadays.

"You should never trust him.", says Chan from the other end.

"What if he's really changed?", you tell him, "Maybe he has finally got that all this revenge agenda is worthless if you can be with the person you love."

"Just ask him.", Chan insists, "You need to understand that being in denial would only hurt you so confront him."

"Okay, if you insist."

Wonwoo is suspicious of Seungcheol. He too like Chan isn't convinced that Seungcheol could change overnight. So he secretly keeps the tabs on him. The fact which disturbs him is Jiah is happy nowadays. If your relationship with Seungcheol improves then Jiah would be anything but happy which leaves him skeptical.

"Don't do anything you'd regret later.", he warns Seungcheol one day. The latter just shrugs off.

Seungcheol was escatic when he started first. It was fun for him to watch how you'd easily trust him. A piece of calk to make you a fool he thought.

He acts as a considering husband in front of you but schemes your downfall behind your back.

"One of those busy days?", he asks one day when he sees you returning from the academy late. It totally catches you off guard but that simple gesture makes you visibily beam as well which doesn't go unnoticed by your husband. He then proceeds to fake concern and show interest when you talk it out.

"How about we go to watch a movie?", he asks one night when you both finish having dinner.

"Will you be able to make time for that?", you ask concerned.

Next, he's grabbing your hand and dragging you out.

"We're in our pyjamas, we can't go out like this, Seungcheol!", you yell in panic when you get his motive.

He doesn't lend you an ear throughout the ride while he's driving you both to the theatre, having it entirely booked to his name.

You can't say much about the movie because Seungcheol's good at distracting you. His dirty whispers, lingering touches and sly looks lead to something unspeakable. Movie long forgotten you're basking in afterglow against your husband's bare chest, in his warm embrace.

"Remember when we were taken out of the theatre by the security after getting caught while making out?"

You laugh at the memory, "We did some real crazy things back then. I could never forget how you walked into the class only in underpants after loosing a bet to me."

Seungcheol response comes out as a scowl as he pinches your sides making you squeal.

You watch him for some moments in silence before mustering the courage and ask him, "Are you really willing to forgive me? Because after what I have done to you, I know it would take a lot more to forgive me."

Seungcheol freezes but gains his compusre quickly and lies through his teeth, "I pondered a lot upon it. You know my mom said the exact thing as you about marriages. So maybe it's a good idea to start anew."

"I-I promise I'll make it up to all the hurt and pain you've been in because of me. I'm so ashamed for treating you like that back then, wish I could take it all back.", your voice cracks, tears pooling in the corner of your eyes, "We'll be happy Seungcheol."

He doesn't believe you. But you do.

Then this goes on. He tries to slip into your life, your circle, your family casually so that when he hits later, the blow catastrophes you.

"I'm currently working on a piece.", you reveal to him one night, "And I'm planning to release the composition, it's midway.", a sigh escapes your lips as you snuggle closer in your husband's arms, "You're the first one to know."

Seungcheol mirrors your smile, pressing a feather kiss on your head, "I'm honoured. And I'm so proud of you.", he laughs when he says, "I wonder how Seungkwan's gonna react when he comes to know that he wasn't the first one to know."

"Oh God, he's gonna be a bitch about it.", you exclaim about it.

He surprises you with gifts, visits you in the academy and takes you to dates. All of it just to keep tabs on you, make you slip out crucial information about anything.

"When are you going to take her down?", Jiah ask impatiently, "You're unnecessarily stalling time."

"I do have gotten something crucial on her. But the more I dwell into this act, the more she'll be hurt.", Seungcheol assures, "Just do what you've been told to and don't act so obvious, specially around Wonwoo, I don't know why but he has been lately saying stuffs. Seems he has grown closer to Y/N and her circle."

Though he wasn't interested at all, but for the sake of fooling you again, he attends the competition you & Seungkwan had taken part in.

Though he would never admit, he was intrigued as he watched you perform again, the nostalgia had hit him hard. He still isn't sure if the loudest claps those came from him were just for eyewash or out of genuinity.

Though he didn't want to spend his birthday with you, somehow it ended up being the most memorable one. When you had wished him dot at midnight and gathered his family and beloved people for a private party where you played him a romantic piece which you had composed just for him as a birthday present, in front of everyone, he wonders if love laced aura radiating from you was real. He wonders if the swell in his chest was just not because of you.

Every time he thinks he's slipping, he reminds himself of the heart burns, the trauma and again he's back to his agenda.

There's a fine line between pretense and reality. And that line is starting to blur for Seungcheol. The worst part, he hasn't even realised it yet.

So when he makes time to visit your academy, he thinks he's acting out according to his plan. But he doesn't realise he goes there just to watch you teach.

He doesn't realise that when plans those dates he actually looks forward to spending time with you.

When you were down with fever, he took you to the doctor not to look good to you but out of genuine worry.

He now shares his bedroom with you. All your belongings have shifted from your room to his. He doesn't like it when he finds the other side of the empty in the mornings. He doesn't let you go if he catches you while you try to sneak off, he whispers sweet nothings in your ear.

He knows about your schedules and nowadays he frees his schedule when you ask him to come and watch you perform. He anticipates your performance until you're on the stage, still claps the loudest and rushes to the backstage with a bouquet just to hug and tell how proud he is of you.

He doesn't fuck you and he might yet not be aware but makes love to you.

"Cherry!", he calls out one day when the two of you were goofing around and both of you freeze instantly. It was a name you both called each other when you both dated and were so in love. And now, that's what falls back to your lips. Like the good old days.

"You have changed.", Jiah says with disappointment, "Do you really not want revenge?"

"What rubbish.", Seungcheol laughs, "It's all just acting.", but the assertiveness in his voice fluctuates.

"So when are you gonna do the needful?", she raises her voice and Seungcheol glares at her.

"I'll decide when to do what.", he snarks, "Doesn't concern you, so stop being pushy."

And Jiah is sure that Seungcheol isn't determined anymore, that his feelings are resurfacing and interfering with the plan.

So she decides to take the matter into her hands once again, like she did years ago.

"Tell me you're joking.", Seungcheol laughs as his gaze sweeps at the faces, "Ok fine you guys got me. Good try."

There's an eerie silence clogging the room.

"Guys, I said y'all got me!", Seungcheol says this time a bit anxious, "You won! Now can we stop all this drama?"

You roll your eyes, as if unbothered, "There's no prank going on here. What I said was true."

You step closer to him, "I'll say it again so listen carefully. You were just a bet to me.", you say unapologetically, "Those guys", your index points at Mingyu and Eunsoo, "gave me a bet to make you, 'the enigmatic Choi Seungcheol'", a mocking laugh follows, "who nobody could bag yet", you're now objectifying him, "make fall in you love with me."

Seungcheol just listens. But he refuses to believe.

You are laughing again. Your hands grab his face moving it side to side, "I was so skeptical because you seemed scary. I mean you do have looks, money and power. But who could guess that you'd be so easy."

You circle around him, "All I had to do was create this image of aloof, private kind of girl and bam! you were circling around me like a puppy. I must admit, I was surprised at my own acting. Never made you have a doubt any second."

The first tear rolls down his cheek, when Seungcheol says, "Was none of it real for you, all the time we spent together?"

"Are you not getting it?", you ask annoyed, "No. None of it was real."

Seungcheol rushes to Mingyu and grabs his collar, "Gyu, please tell me it's all a lie. Just say it and I'd believe it in a blink."

Mingyu stays quiet, eyes lowered.

He then grabs Eunsoo, "Soo, I know you're the most rational one among us, so please please I'm begging you to tell. Tell me whatever she's telling is not true."

Eunsoo refuses to meet his gaze, she stays silent as well.

Seungcheol frees her and stands motionless for moments. He processes everything that he has heard since the moment he stepped into the room. He thinks over but he still doesn't want to believe.

Because he loves you to much to let you go. So he decides to be irrational just one time.

Seungcheol wipes the tears and walks upto you. When you look at him, your heart twists within your chest.

"Y/N", he looks at you so tenderly, "But none of it matters.", his hands travel up to caress your face, "Because all of it was true from my side. I love you, Y/N. Love you so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. It's you or no one.", he says so sincerely, "It was wrong to start off as a bet but I want to forget all this."

He then kneels on his knees, "Y/N, let's start this relationship afresh, on the right foot."

You panic because this was not you had expected. You had expected him to throw tantrum, say mean things, even slap you. But none of that happens.

"I don't love you, Seungcheol --"

"Then let me court you. Let me try my luck. Let's see if I could make you fall for me?", he's radiating so much love and grief that it suffocates all the three of you.

This won't do, you think, your plan is failing.

"I have been sleeping with people behind your back the whole time we dated.", you say unabashedly, "I have climbed beds and you never got to know."

Mingyu gasps, Eunsoo freezes at your words.

"It's okay", Seungcheol assures, "Because we weren't real. But now--"

"What makes you think I wouldn't do the same even after being an actual thing with you?", you scoff, "I might actually cheat on you this time. I would have you, your money, the luxuries. I might also see other people and like now, you'd never know.

Seungcheol feels like you've stabbed his heart and twisted the knife. There's an unfathomable bleeding.

"But you never used me, nor my money, none of the luxuries to get something. If you wanted, you could have, have it all.", he argues, "It might have started as an act but at some point it must have become real. Or why would you make me aware of this stupid bet if you didn't have feelings for me?"

"Stop being a sucker.", you snark at him, "It's not like you won't girls. Why are you acting like a loser when you know I don't, I won't reciprocate your feelings?"

Seungcheol gets up, with shaky hands and bloodshot eyes.

"Because even if you didn't, I have loved you honestly.", comes Seungcheol's response.

"I won the bet and lost interest in you.", you look at him condescendingly, "I felt bad for you, so right now I'm letting you know the truth. So just leave, forget about all this and carry on with your life. You were nothing but another notch on my bedpost. I would admit, I had fun. Thanks for that."

Seungcheol gets up and thinks about how he made a fool of himself. Thinks about how right he was about people taking advantage of him because of the baggage that comes with him. Thinks about how wrong it was of him to let his guard down.

"Well played, y'all.", he claps and chuckles bitterly with eyes pooling with tears, "Well played.", he then throws a glare at you which sends down a shiver down your & your friends' spine.

"Make sure to not cross paths with me again. Or I'll make you regret your existance."

And you made sure that's the last time he saw you.

"I have to be overseas for an important deal.", Seungcheol says laying back on his office chair, "It will be a one week trip and the connectivity is so bad, I'd probably lose touch with everyone while I'll be there."

You go over to his side and stand behind to rub his shoulders making your husband groan in relief, "Tell me about it, happens with Chan as well. When are you leaving?"

Seungcheol takes your hand and pulls you to make you sit on his lap when he says, "Month end. Y/N, I was thinking that...", he pauses to look at you before continuing, "If you could make some time and come with me. We didn't have our honeymoon yet so maybe we could make a good use of this trip."

You smile softly at him, "I'd love to but remember I had told you about working on a composition, it's release is set on by the month end."

"Oh right!", Seungcheol exclaims as he recollects, "God, I'm sorry it skipped my mind.", he instantly sullens, "But I don't think I'd be able to postpone this trip. I'm sorry I couldn't be there with you."

You peck his pouty lips and trace them with your thumb softly, "I can guess how important it would be, so don't worry. Anyways our first anniversary is coming as well, we can plan something later."

"Woah, we're getting through it?", Seungcheol laughs, "I can't believe, we made it."

"All because of you.", your mood shifts when you say, "Just because you had it in you to give me a second chance. That alone was enough."

"I had loved you back then", Seungcheol exhales sharply because of what he's going to say now. He smiles when he realises his feelings, realises that without hesitation he's ready to say it again. Gently holding your face he confesses, "I think I'm falling for you again."

You go absolutely stiff in his hold.

Seungcheol carefully searches your face for any signs of discomfort or uneasiness but he finds none.

"Am I dreaming?", you ask him animatedly, "Can you pinch me? No..", you shake your head, "Would you say it again?"

His eyes turn into crescent moons, as he flashes you the adorable teethy smile.

"I've fallen for you again.", he admits.

"I-I... Seungcheol.. I--", you stutter unable to wrap your mind around your husband's confession.

It was so hard to let you go. It killed to break your heart. Only if I could turn back time, only if I could tell how much I loved you as well.

The thoughts inside your head become louder making you so overwhelmed that now you are sobbing. It's uncontrollable and it makes Seungcheol have to rock you gently side to side while downing your face on his shoulder.

"I-I can't believe this is happening.", you don't face him, saying the words with your face still perched, while wrapping your arms around him tighter, "I love you so much, I know it'd be hard for you to believe but please just trust me on this."

Seungcheol doesn't speak, but he knows that he wants to believe you. Because love is about taking chances, so he might take it as well.

Once you calm down in his embrace, he watches you. He watches the gear in your head turning so he does what he could do to take your mind off of things.

He calls Wonwoo and says, "Don't let anyone into my cabin until you get another call from me. Also, don't connect anyone to the telecom."

Then he's flipping the phone somewhere and he gives you that one look which is enough to melt you into a puddle before his lips, tongue and hands start to work on your whole body.

"Congratulations!", Chan says hugging you, "I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks for making time and coming to the event. Also, the inspiration comes from you all", you say pulling away, "Credit goes to you too."

"Bluff.", Seungkwan comes to pitch in, "The theme is love, then clearly inspiration must be someone named 'Choi Seungcheol'."

You roll eyes hitting him on the arm but laugh nonetheless.

"Look she isn't even denying!", Mingyu joins in to throw a banter, "But I must say you're okay compared to Eunsoo, she's hopeless."

Chan quirks brow at the statement and asks, "Am I missing something?"

You hook your arm into his, saying, "Eunsoo had an itty bitty crush on Wonwoo at uni days which gradually got away. But now that he's back and into our circle, looking like a four course meal according to her, she thinks her crush is relapsing."

"You make it sound like it's cancer.", Eunsoo finally quips in, "Anyways doesn't matter, there's no scope, I must move on. Good thing Seungcheol took Wonwoo with him, out of sight, out of mind."

"I miss my husband. He didn't even wanna leave for the trip to be with me.", you sigh, leaning on your brother's shoulder, "I can't even contact him. Three more days, ugh sounds like an eternity."

"Oh god, I might puke at the lovesickness.", Seungkwan fake gags, "Disgusting."

"It's good to see that you're happy.", Chan whispers just to you while others indulge in several topics to tease one another, "It's such a relief. I would like to talk to Seungcheol once he's back. If he really loves you and makes you feel like home then I'm ready to mend things as well."

You just nod and let the moment sink in. Your pupils dilate as you see the smiles on your friends' faces who have been there with you through thick and thin. Your mind lingers back the proud expression on your parents face. The heartiest congratulations that you received from your in-laws. You tilt your head to look at your brother who always has been your anchor, your biggest supporter. All of them have been present at the composition release event and now they are present at your home to extend the celebration. The parents take leave after sometime to let the peers have fun.

Your home, as you say it proudly now, a place you share with your loving husband, who has forgiven you for the scarred past and shares companionship with you.

Everything is falling back to place and you wish it stays the same. Your eyes fall heavy and you drift off.

The sleep must have been good because it's 10 in the morning when you wake up to see yourself tucked in sheets in your bedroom. The hall is empty and you immediately understand that your brother must have taken it upon himself to drive away your lovely but clingy-when-drunk friends from your house.

You try to call Seungcheol but as usual he's unreachable, so is Wonwoo, so is everyone who has gone to the trip. Dejected, you leave him a series of undelivered texts in hope it somehow reaches him and decide to take a bath which involves you to be away from your phone, just relaxing music and another round of sleep in the bathtub with your favourite bath bombs.

Not sure how long you've fallen asleep but you're woken up by loud voices from the other side of the door. Quickly freshening up you get ready as your phone keeps ringing or dinging because of notifications. Ignoring that you get out of your bedroom to find very distressed Chan and Seungkwan waiting for you.

"What happened guys?", you ask in concern.

Chan makes you sit and you see the two exchanging nervous glances which in turn makes you nervous as well.

"Y/N..", Seungkwan starts off, he exhales sharply and says, "Your work is being accused of plagiarism."

The ground beneath you slips. You look at Seungkwan and then at Chan.

Chan sounds pissed when he says, "Apparently a local artist has already released the composition five days ago, meaning four days before your release event."

You are panicking, shaking, tears are streaming down your face, "I-I didn't steal anyone's work. I-I have composed them, they're my work. Trust me guys, please..I--"

"We trust you, Y/N.", Seungkwan runs to you and rubs your arms, "I have been with you through it. I have seen it all."

"I was studying it with Kwan before coming here, everything is same. Every piece, every insertion, every note.", Chan says, "It looks like someone wholly copied your work.

Seungkwan sighs, "I feel so ashamed but all I can think of is somefrom the academy doing so."

"That's possible.", Chan asks, "But from what I know no one knew about this except you both. Even the event was announced just before a day or two to the people of academy."

Seungkwan asserts, "Everything was done remotely. Y/N do you recollect telling anyone else about this at any stage apart from Seungcheol?"

"Seungcheol knew?", Chan quips surprised and you are shaking your head.

"No. Leave him out of this, he wouldn't have done anything.", you warn your brother.

"I'm sorry Y/N, but I can't leave anyone out of this.", Chan says, "Someone is trying to harm you and I would see through the end of it. Be it anyone."

Eunsoo and Mingyu are stumbling upon while crossing the threshold. Seungkwan briefs them about what have been deducted till now and they decide to stick by your side while Chan and Seungkwan rushes out to the field to gather evidence and facts.

"I have already talked to my father.", Mingyu informs you, "He himself will aid with any legal advice. Don't worry everything will be sorted out."

"I had a talk with my mother. She also ensured that we'd broadcast only the solid proofs that pertains to the truth. We have faith in you, it'll get over soon.", Eunsoo ensures you, "Infact we have had our reporters dig in the matter as well."

Soon after your parents arrive followed by your in-laws. Your phone keeps ringing and no one allows you to hold it. Eventually, the device is turned off and kept somewhere, out of your reach.

Among all of the ominous thoughts involving losing your career, unable to pursue your passion anymore, being deemed as a thief, outcasted by the society and all others, the one that prevails is would Seungcheol believe you?

Two days go by and there's not much progress. You strike continuously as the most trending person on the internet, on news papers, in some tabloids boldly called out as a thief, the others focused more on why there's no statement from your own company or the Choi's themselves. The only thing that keeps you at bay is Seungcheol's return tomorrow.

You are flabbergasted at how can the two pieces of work be exact same unless someone copied it. You decide to visit the academy and search for any leads. Just as you are about to drive off your phone buzzes.

I have some information that would benefit you. Meet me at The Ritz at 11.

The text was from Jiah and you're instantly drawn to how Jiah could be the one involved in this.

"Let's skip the formalities.", Jiah smiles as she places some documents and an usb drive in front of you.

There's a laptop kept on the table, the screen displaying an audio ready to be played.

"Aren't you eager to know what's happening and why it's happening to you?", Jiah asks with a cunning smile which irks you.

"Stop wasting my time and reveal if you know something.", you snark back, "And don't think I'd believe a word you say without any proof because I don't trust you a bit."

"Seungcheol--"

"Don't you dare bring my husband into this, Jiah!"

Your heart shrinks because of the look Jiah gives you. No way your husband would be involved into all this, no way he'd go as far as to ruin your career.

"I have done it. I have paid a staff in your academy to steal your work, made it release before your event and hence you're being charged with plagiarism.", Jiah confesses and before you could charge her she drops the bomb, "Your husband, Choi Seungcheol is the mastermind behind it."

"I'll cut your tongue for speaking rubbish--"

"How do you think I knew about all this? Who else apart from Seungcheol knew about this?", Jiah asks. Her gaze falls on the laptop and she gestures you to play it.

"Y/N is working on a composition and is planning to release it sometime later. We should use this opportunity to bring her down."

The audio stops and you recognise the voice as your husband's. The jab hits hard, hard enough to make you loose your footing. Jiah is quick to hold you and make you sit on the chair.

"Have a look at these papers."

Your hands are shaky when you pick up the papers. You freeze on reading the heading. Your hands fall to the sides once you finish reading it whole. Those bunch of papers were about transferring your shares of the academy under the Choi's name.

Jiah doesn't give you time to settle as she plays another recording.

"Are the papers ready? What will happen if I take her lifeline away from her?"

"When are you going to take her down? You're unnecessarily stalling time."

"The more I dwell into this act, the more she'll be hurt. Just do what you've been told to and don't act so obvious, specially around Wonwoo, I don't know why but he has been lately saying stuffs. Seems he has grown closer to Y/N and her circle."

You sit there motionless. The person you considered your world was the one planning to stab you.

"You can get these recordings examined.", Jiah tells you, "To be sure that I haven't manipulated or tampered with the recordings."

She takes a sit beside you and observes you carefully. The triumphant smile that graces her lips on seeing you getting trampled, makes her believe that now's the time when she could spew any lies and you'd believe it. She knows she has won over.

"The plan was to take advantage of your helplessness and make you transfer the shares in the disguise of helping you clearing your name.", Jiah leans in closer to your face, "Why do you think Seungcheol is out of country out of all the time? He's trying to build up the urgency so that as soon as he walks in you'd be at his feet asking for help."

Jiah has accepted that she would never have Seungcheol to herself, so not at fear of loosing anything she's going all out as for to separate you two.

"The Choi's are so powerful that no matter how much you try, there's no way you could prove your innocence.", Jiah says as her sinisteric gaze falls on you again, "You can take all these proofs, additionally, I'll even provide the details pertaining to the person who stole your work and make them confess."

"W-Why are you helping me?"

"Either way it breaks you two apart and that's the motive. Knowing the truth would hurt you the most."

Her heels clank loudly as she walks out, leaving you behind, defeated and devastated.

How foolish of you to believe that Seungcheol would forgive you easily? How naive of you that you fell for his act of a doting husband.

You wonder if this is how he had felt after being betrayed by you. You run your hands over your chest to soothe the ache. You scream, throw down anything you could grab, stomp over the place but nothing helps you in calming down.

Three hours have passed and you're still in that damned conference room. Scathed, scrotched and scattered.

You inhale, exhale and repeat. Then you're calling your brother.

"Chan, arrange for a press conference tomorrow evening. Also stop looking further into the case. I have evidence to prove that I'm innocent.", you say into the phone, "Gather everyone at the academy, none of the Choi's though. Ask Eunsoo if they would broadcast it on their network. Tell Mingyu to have Mr. Kim free some time for me this week if possible. Make the checks now, we can't delay it further."

Seungcheol's boarding the plane back home when he comes to know of the situation. He feels sick to stomach when all that's happening feels too known to him. Though he might have wanted this to happen once but now he can't even fantom the thought of doing something so viscious to you.

He calls you but you don't pick up. He calls others, makes Wonwoo call them too but it's fruitless.

He's anxious throughout the way, worried sick, feels guilty for not being by your side when you're going through so much. He hopes you're not beating your much, wants to hold, wants to assure you that everything will be fine, that you have him.

Wonwoo is running through all the red lights equally anxious. He wants to go inside and check upon you but he steps aside as he watches Seungcheol rushing into the house, hoping you'll be okay.

Seungcheol rustles through the corridor and slam opens the door, hurriedly making a sprint inside the house.

It's afternoon but the house, entire hallway is dimly lit. Suddenly the lights go on and he spots you.

Something about you is different, it's almost eerie. The black dress you're wearing, the cold gaze your throwing is unsettling.

"Baby--", you hold out your hand when Seungcheol starts to walk towards you.

Seungcheol halts, he feels the grimness in your aura.

"Welcome back, Seungcheol. I have been waiting for you.", you say apathetically, "Take a seat, I have some things to discuss with you, before I leave for the press conference."

That's when Seungcheol notices your finger void of the wedding ring.

→ Do not copy, re-post, translate, or share any of my works on other platforms! All stories are copyrighted, joonsytip. ©️

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sattlersquarry · 1 year

Text

forget-me-not (steve harrington x gn!reader)

Summary: (Post Season 4) Steve Harrington broke your heart almost a year ago. You think it's only right to still hold a grudge, despite how good he seems.

Word Count: ~5.9k

Warnings: Language, alcohol, sex is mentioned and alluded to but not described, angst with a happy ending, this was originally inspired by Little Freak by Harry Styles but it got away from me and now it's a different beast entirely.

A/N: There are a lot of lovely fics out there where y/n gets stood up for a date and best friend Steve comforts them, but I'm evil, so in this one, Steve is the stander-upper 😈

April, 1986

Hawkins is in shambles.

The earthquake ravaged the town, and now ash spews out of large cracks in the ground every few days. The military attempts to contain the strange, almost reptilian animals in the forests, but there are too many to keep up with, and all citizens are encouraged to be in their homes by 6 p.m.

You don’t fully understand how it went down, how the sweet, small town you grew up in became such a nightmare.

You’ve been spending your time volunteering with the relief effort. In doing so, you’ve gotten closer to people you’ve tangentially known all your life but never gotten to know that well. You’re also forced to spend time with people you’d never wanted to see again.

One such person is Steve Harrington: former playboy turned into…you aren’t really sure yet. Despite your grudge, he’s better. Kinder. Softer around the edges than he was during your school days. During the days he broke your heart.

Perhaps that’s melodramatic. You hooked up once last summer, and then he stood you up for an Enzo’s date. You aren’t even sure he remembers doing it, but as you stand side-by-side folding donated clothes, the memory sears through your brain.

Summer, 1985

You try to contain your excitement as you enter Enzo’s. You’ve been on plenty of dates to cheap diners and movies, but this is your first real, official, proper “adult” date.

So what if you’re doing things out of order? Sure, you’ve already slept with Steve. The two of you both worked at Starcourt before it burned down, and you spent all of June flirting on your breaks. You’d visit him at Scoops Ahoy, he’d visit you at Waldenbooks. He’d walk you to your car the nights you both closed, promising to provide free ice cream for you tomorrow.

After a particularly hard day and long shift, you’re easily enticed when Steve asks if you want to come over.

“For pizza,” he says. “And a movie.”

So you eat pizza, and watch a movie, and then you kiss him a little, and then he kisses you a lot, and the next thing you know, the two of you are in his bed.

It isn’t the awkward one-night stand you’re afraid it will be. On the contrary, Steve is genuine and sincere the morning after.

“I really like you,” he says. He brushes a hair out of your face as you lay side-by-side, curled up under the covers. “I want to take you out.”

“To dinner?”

“No, with a sniper,” he says with a snort. “Yes, to dinner!”

So you agree to go to Enzo’s the following Friday night.

After the mall fire, Steve calls and asks to postpone a couple weeks.

“I’m just in a weird place right now,” he says. His voice is a little hoarse.

“Is everything okay?” you ask, concern etched in your tone. “Do you need anything?”

“No, no! I just—listen, can we meet up in two weeks instead?”

You assure him that’s fine, and you spend the next two weeks preparing for the date. Your friends help you pick an outfit. You decide what you’re going to order ahead of time. You even pick a perfume that’s strawberry scented, since you know that’s Steve’s favorite ice cream flavor.

The day of the date, the Enzo’s host leads you to the table Steve reserved. You wait, and wait, and wait, and after thirty-five minutes, the waiter comes around for the fourth time to ask if you’re ready to order.

“My date’s running a little late,” you say. Panic nests in the back of your mind, but you push it down. “Can I have a few more minutes?”

“You must order something to keep the table,” the waiter says snidely.

“Oh, right, sorry,” you say, snatching up your menu. “Um, can I just have two of the house special?”

The waiter gives you a prim nod and retreats.

You beeline to the slew of payphones, hands shaking as you dial Steve’s number. You get his voicemail.

“Hey, Steve,” you say, trying to keep your voice upbeat. “It’s me. Y/N. Um, I’m at Enzo’s and I’m waiting for you. Our table’s in the back, near the potted plants? I hope you don’t mind, I ordered for you. The waiter was about to blow a gasket. Anyway, I’ll see you soon, okay?”

You return to your table. And wait. And wait. And wait.

The waiter brings you two plates of chicken parmesan. You eat yours and wait. Then, you eat Steve’s, and you wait some more.

90 minutes after your arrival at the restaurant, you head to the payphones again. You suck in a shuddery breath and try to keep from tearing up as your fingers fumble over Steve’s number. Voicemail, again.

“Steve, me again. Are you still coming? The wait staff are starting to give me pitying looks. I really, really had a good time with you this summer and want to see where this goes…it’s fine if you don’t feel the same. But, please, come to the restaurant so we can talk. Or, just call the restaurant and they can get the phone to me. Um, okay. Bye.”

A full two-and-a-half hours after your arrival at Enzo’s, you’re a wreck. You’ve ordered five desserts to try and keep your table, on the foolish hope that Steve will arrive.

He doesn’t.

Your waiter has softened somewhat when he brings you the check.

“Whoever they are,” he says in a low voice, “they aren’t worth it.”

Your face burns hot with embarrassment as you hand him your credit card.

After getting a to-go box for the strawberry cheesecake you ordered for Steve, you slink to the payphones once more. This time, you don’t stop the tears from falling, but you compose yourself enough to keep the final voicemail from devolving into a blubbery mess.

“Steve. I just wanted to let you know I’m leaving. I waited for you for almost three hours.” You sniffle and add, “If all you wanted from me was a one-night stand, why did you make me think otherwise? Jerk. Have a nice life, Harrington.”

You slam the phone against the cradle and stomp out of the restaurant, waiting until you get behind the wheel of your car to let out a heaving sob.

April, 1986

“Earth to Y/N!”

Steve snaps his fingers in your face and you startle.

“Sorry, what did you say?” you say, shaking yourself out of the memories that makes you hate the boy next to you.

“I asked if you had any plans this weekend?”

You resist the urge to scoff. Fun plans, amidst the disaster? And he’s trying to make small talk with you? That further confirms your theory that he’s forgotten all about you, or that he’s such an arrogant blowhard he doesn’t even realize how much he hurt you.

“I might go to Enzo’s,” you say, trying to jog his memory. “It’s one of the only restaurants still open right now, and I hear the chicken parm is really good.”

You glance at him, but his facial expression remains unchanged: a contented smile as he organizes the clothes he’s folding into boxes for summer and winter.

“Hey, that sounds fun. Oh, you should get the strawberry cheesecake. It’s delicious.”

You scowl, having hit your limit of being nice to him.

“You’re such an ass,” you scoff, shoving a bundle of folded sweatshirts into his arms and storming off.

“Huh? What? Whoa, whoa, Y/N! Wait up!”

You weave through the volunteers, heading toward the doors for a much-needed respite. Steve, however, won’t leave you be.

“Hold on!” he says, catching up to you and stepping in front, blocking your escape. “What’s wrong?”

“Are you kidding?” You bark out a humorless laugh. “Wow, you’re more of an idiot than I thought.”

Hurt flashes across his face, brow furrowing.

“Excuse me?”

“You seriously don’t remember?” you say. “Last summer? Enzo’s?”

Steve scrunches his face up with confusion. He rubs his eyes.

“Wait, hold on,” he says. “When did we go to Enzo’s?”

“We were supposed to, at the end of July,” you say. You jab a finger in his chest and push just a tad too hard. “But you fucked me and then stood me up, and you never even called me back. Steve, I felt used and I was mortified. And you have the audacity to ask me about my plans and recommend the Enzo’s strawberry cheesecake, as if I didn’t eat three slices waiting for your sorry ass to show up!”

You start to storm off, but Steve grabs a hold of your shoulder.

“Wait, wait, wait,” he begs. “Please don’t go. I just—I can’t remember—when did we make the Enzo’s plans?”

“Who cares when? What matters is you didn’t show—”

“Y/N!” Steve says louder, catching the attention of some nearby volunteers. He blushes and drags you to a secluded corner behind some old gym mats. Eyes wide with panic and shame, he repeats, “When did we make the plans?”

You wrench free of his grasp.

“We originally made the plans a few days before the Fourth,” you say, voice cold, “after we slept together. You asked to reschedule. And I never heard from you again.”

About seven different emotions flick across Steve’s face.

“Oh, shit. I think I know what—listen, last summer I started having these gaps in my memory, and I—”

“Save it,” you say tiredly. “I don’t need your excuses, Harrington. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Before he can say anything, you leave him alone with his thoughts and regrets.

🍓🍓🍓

Steve is starting to think the universe hates him.

After his foray into the Russian bunker, he remembered about your date and that he needed to reschedule. He even called Enzo’s and changed the reservation. But the weeks following the drugging and the beating, he started to forget more and more things.

He missed a dentist appointment. He forgot what day his parents were coming back into town, so he set the dinner table for the whole family six nights in a row until they actually returned. He unintentionally skipped a job interview at Bradley’s Big Buy with Robin.

That night you waited for him at Enzo’s, he could tell he’d forgotten something. He assumed it was giving Dustin a ride.

“What are you doing here?” Dustin had asked when Steve parked his BMW outside the Henderson house.

“Don’t you need a ride somewhere?” Steve had said with a frown.

Dustin, not one to turn down a free carpool, had Steve take him to the arcade.

Steve wasn’t home when you called from the restaurant. When he did return home, his mother had already deleted your voicemails, assuming they were all telemarketers.

Steve never got your messages, but he didn’t forget about you. He saw you in town a few weeks later and tried to go talk to you, but when you saw him coming, you glared and darted in the other direction.

He tried not to be too hurt by that. His foggy memory made him wonder if he misread any signals. Maybe you had just been looking for a one-night fling. Maybe the sex hadn’t been good for you. Maybe you had moved on and found a new guy while Steve recovered from the Battle of Starcourt. He didn’t hold it against you if you had.

Now, eight months later, Steve realizes he’s been wrong this whole time.

“I messed up and Y/N hates me!” Steve groans, ferociously spreading peanut butter on bread. Robin works on the jelly sides as they prepare meals for the hungry of Hawkins.

“It’s not your fault that you forgot the date!” Robin says. She drops her voice to a whisper and adds, “We were tortured. You were concussed.”

“But I didn’t even call,” Steve says. He slaps two slices of bread together harshly, angry at himself. “After I saw them looking so upset in town, I should’ve called to check in. To clear the air. If I had, maybe I would’ve realized what happened and could’ve fixed it.”

“You can think about ‘what ifs’ all day,” Robin says. “Or you can try to make things right.”

“I can’t,” Steve says. “They won’t even look at me anymore. I don’t blame them.”

“I don’t get why they’d hold such a grudge,” Robin wonders, neatly packing their newest sandwich into a brown paper bag. “I mean, you missed one date. It’s not like you slept with them and ditched them. Unless…”

Robin narrows her eyes at Steve. Ashamed, he doesn’t look up from sandwich making.

Robin scowls and smacks his shoulder.

“Ouch! Robin!”

“You are the horniest dingus this side of the Mississippi,” Robin says. “Of course they’re so angry! They think you used them for sex! Technically you did, since you never followed up.”

“What happened to the ‘it’s not my fault’ shit!”

“It’s not! But the unfortunate truth is that you look like a total ass. You need to apologize.”

Steve does. He’s fully vulnerable and partially honest, and spins a tale about how a new medication with unfun side effects, such as brain fog, is why he completely forgot the date.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N,” Steve says, after he’s finished. He’s tempted to ask if you’d be willing to try again, but he resists.

You study him, eyes scanning his face for any indication he’s bullshitting you. You don’t look angry, but you don’t look very forgiving either.

“It’s fine,” you say, after what feels like a millennia. Steve relaxes when you give him a small smile. “Let’s just move on. Hand me those sweatshirts?”

And so you two continue to work together, nothing more than acquaintances at best.

August, 1986

Steve almost dies in the final fight with Vecna.

The battle causes more earthquakes that leave many in town dead or wounded. Eleven is finally able to kill Vecna and destroy the Upside Down once and for all—but not before Steve is severely wounded by Vecna’s army of demodogs.

He doesn’t remember much after the attack. He thinks he remembers Robin and Dustin crying. Someone—Hopper? Jonathan, maybe?—carrying him out of the Upside Down. The paramedics asking him his name, the year, the president, to count backwards from 10.

Then, it’s all a bit fuzzy, until he wakes up a few days later. He’s got a lot more scars than he did, but he’s alive and Vecna is gone, so that’s something.

He doesn’t expect to see you in his hospital room when he comes to.

“Y/N?” he croaks.

You whip around, eyes wide as if you’ve been caught doing something you shouldn’t. Except you aren’t doing anything wrong—you’re adding a stuffed bear to the collection of Get Well Soon gifts on the windowsill.

“Oh, shit,” you say. “Let me get your doctors.”

When you disappear into the hall, he gets a better look at the teddy bear you’ve brought. It’s pink, with a strawberry-shaped nose. The mylar balloon tied to its paw says: Get Well Bear-y Soon! Steve’s heart swells at the realization that you remember his favorite flavor, that you went to the trouble to buy him a gift. He’s not sure he deserves it.

He assumes you’ll come back in, but instead, a swarm of doctors and nurses encroach. Then, it’s Dustin and Robin and Nancy and Jonathan visiting him. Then, Hopper and Joyce and the other kids.

By the end of the day, he’s exhausted from visitors, but he still wants to see you once more.

He does, three days later.

He returns to his hospital room after physical therapy—the demodogs did a number on his shoulder. You’re there again, adding a Feel Better card to his stash. You startle when he walks in.

“Hi!” you say, a bit louder than intended. You clear your throat. “Sorry. I don’t want to disturb you, I’ll just go—”

“You’re not disturbing me,” Steve says. “I could actually really use the company.”

That’s a lie. Robin’s been in his room so much the nurses think she’s his sister. But you don’t have to know that.

You relax and nod.

“Sure, yeah, I can stay for a few minutes.”

Steve sinks onto his hospital bed and you sit in an uncomfortable-looking, plasticky armchair.

Silence stretches between you two. It’s not tense, but it’s charged with something.

The two of you start speaking at the same time.

“Sorry,” you say. “I just—I hope it’s not weird that I’m here.”

“What? No, not weird at all,” Steve says. “We’re friends.”

And that’s true. The past four months, the two of you have become much closer. Still fully platonic, but on the cusp of something more.

“Robin told me that you got hurt in the big quake,” you say, clueless to the true nature of the disasters. “She said—um, she said you almost didn’t—almost didn’t make it. And that made me feel horrible, because I really like you…r friendship. And I couldn’t imagine losing that. So I’m glad you’re going to be okay.”

You hesitate before covering his hand with yours. His hands are calloused and warm. Yours are icy cold. Steve represses a shiver at your touch.

“Thank you for coming,” Steve says. You squeeze his hand and his breath stutters. He recovers just enough to say, “And thank you for the bear. He rocks.”

“You like him?” you say, glancing over at the fluffy teddy on the windowsill. “You should name him Enzo. In honor of the strawberry cheesecake.”

“I was actually thinking of naming him Beartholomew,” Steve says. “Beary, for short.”

“That’s perfect. Or Beart, like Bart?”

He chuckles. The sound of it triggers an incomparable feeling in your chest.

“I like that. Beart Harrington.”

The two of you smile at each other. It feels warm and easy, same as your flirtationship the summer prior.

Your eyes flick to his lips. Is it weird to ask someone on a date in a hospital? you think.

Before you can turn on the charm and see if Steve wants to join you for a cup of Jell-O in the cafeteria, the door swings open and his friends Dustin, Robin, and Erica rush in.

You drop his hand on instinct. Steve misses the feeling of your touch.

“Steve, Max is about to be discharged and she asked—oh, hey Y/N!” Robin says. “Sorry, are we interrupting—”

“I was just leaving,” you say, standing. “I have to head to the soup kitchen. Then I’m back to the high school for more donation work. But I’ll see you around, okay?”

Steve wants to ask you to skip your shifts and stay. But the request dies on his throat. Instead, he just nods and says, “See you around.”

You give a polite nod and smile to his friends before leaving.

“Is that them?” Erica asks once you’re out of earshot. “The one you’re totally crushing on, like a weirdo stalker?”

“He’s not a stalker!” Dustin says. “He’s pursuing his Suzie.”

Steve rolls his eyes.

“They’re not my Suzie,” Steve says, “as much as I want them to be. That ship sailed, ages ago.”

October, 1986

When things in Hawkins are a little better, you’re able to start your second year at Roane County Community College.

Steve and Robin enroll as well, and share an apartment off-campus. For Halloween, they invite you and half the student body to a rager.

You don’t want to go at first. Mainly because you’re afraid alcohol will spur you to do something stupid, like tell Steve that you want him.

You’re not sure why you do. You gave him the benefit of the doubt but still don’t fully believe his story about why he missed your date, and wonder if his recent kindness and friendship is a trap to lure you in and break your heart once more.

But that seems too cruel for him. He’s not like that, you’ve learned in your six months of new friendship.

Plus, he almost died over the summer, and while that kind of thing would’ve made you bitter and angry and terrified of the world, Steve doesn’t let it weigh him down. He’s still kind and empathetic, still loyal and bright.

Fuck, you want him so bad. As a friend? No: as a boyfriend, as a lover, as everything all the time.

You stand in the corner of his and Robin’s living room, nursing a hard lemonade and avoiding eye contact with the object of your affection (currently dressed as Marty McFly).

Marty McSteve dances his way over during “Monster Mash.” You laugh at his chaotic display, trying to mentally murder the butterflies in your stomach.

“Hey!” Steve says. He adjusts his orange vest. “Wanna dance?”

Friends dance with friends…right?

“I’d love to,” you say with a smile.

The two of you drink, dance, and drink some more. At some point, you and Robin do shots. After that, you stop resisting the urge to throw yourself at Steve. You boldly go up to him and ask, “Hey, you never showed me your new room. Give me a tour?”

The excuse is shoddy but works its magic. Two minutes later, you’re making out with Steve in his room, pulsing beat of the music reverberating through the thin apartment walls.

His kisses are hot and heady, his hands wander your frame and make your skin burn.

“I’ve wanted to do this again,” Steve murmurs between kisses. “For so long.”

“Me too,” you say, breathless, pulling him even closer to you. The two of you drunkenly stumble around until he pushes you onto his bed.

He kisses your neck, and it feels so amazing, you want to live in this moment forever. But then you glance around his room and see Beart Harrington on his dresser shelf, and you’re taken back to that night at Enzo’s, eating strawberry cheesecake and waiting alone.

You don’t think he would do that again. But the tiny part of you that’s unsure panics.

“Steve,” you stutter out.

Unaware of your inner turmoil, he moans your name and continues kissing your neck. One hand grips your waist, the other roams higher up your thigh.

“Steve. Stop.”

At that, he immediately pulls away and off you, concern clouding his features.

“Is everything okay?” he asks. His voice is so tender, you melt a bit.

You’re not sober enough to properly articulate your feelings. To tell him that you like him so much and getting heartbroken by him again would destroy you.

So you simply sit up and say: “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“That’s totally fine,” he says. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” You don’t respond, just stare at your lap. Steve adds, “Do you need anything? Water, or something to eat?”

You flounder, stammering something about how you don’t feel well and want to go home.

Steve nods. If he’s disappointed or upset, he doesn’t show it. “I can walk you home if—”

“It’s fine,” you interrupt. “I’m sorry, again.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Steve says gently. “Seriously, it’s all good.”

You mumble out a goodbye and practically sprint away, leaving Steve alone on his bed.

“I don’t understand,” he says as he and Robin clean up beer cups after the party has ended. “They ran away so fast. Did I do something wrong?”

“People are allowed to change their minds about sex, you know,” Robin says. She tosses an empty cup at Steve. He fumbles and catches it.

“I know! And that’s okay. But if I made them upset, I want to know why. Rob, I like them so much. I don’t know if I can just be their friend anymore. I want more. And sometimes it seems like they do too, but right before we cross that line, they push me away.”

“This is a conversation you need to have with them, not me,” Robin says. She pulls a pillow off the ground and groans. “Great. Molly puked on the carpet. Hand me a sponge.”

🍓🍓🍓

Steve calls you the next day to check on you.

“I’m okay,” you say, fingers twisting in the phone cord. “Just tired.”

That’s not necessarily a lie. But you’re speaking in mistruths by not openly telling Steve how you feel. How you want him but are so terrified of what will happen. What is this effect he has on you?

“That’s good,” Steve says. You can tell he’s nervous by the way his voice cracks. You can practically see him run a hand through his hair over the phone—an anxious habit he can’t seem to break. “Listen, I’m really sorry if I made you upset yesterday when we were about to…you know. I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries or make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” you rush to reassure him. “It’s not you…”

You cut yourself off before adding the dreaded it’s me. Instead, you say, “I wanted to do it, but I just panicked.” You suck in a breath. “The truth is, I really, really like you Steve. A lot. Like, I like you way more than a friend should.”

Steve stops breathing for a moment.

“You do?” he asks.

“Yeah. And that terrifies me.”

“What?” Steve says, holding the phone closer to his ear. “I terrify you?”

You laugh, despite the tension you’re feeling.

“No,” you say. “You’re a gem, Steve Harrington. But the thought of getting heartbroken by you again…that’s what scares me.” You drop your voice to a near whisper. “I think it would ruin me.”

Steve gulps. You had been forgiving about the Enzo’s thing when he cleared the air, and the two of you have become such good friends since then. Guilt gnaws at his insides when he realizes how much being stood up affected you.

“I’m so, so sorry Y/N,” he says, after a beat. “I didn’t realize—I mean, I knew what I did hurt you, but I didn’t know—”

“It’s fine, just forget about it—”

“No!” Steve says urgently. “Please. I like you too. I want to make it up to you. To take you out on a real date.”

You pause, chewing your lip and pondering the idea.

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” you say cautiously.

“Please. Just trust me.”

Trust. You trusted Steve last summer, and look where that got you.

But you don’t want to be afraid of falling in love with him. Not anymore. So you agree to go on a date with him, hoping for the best.

🍓🍓🍓

Steve doesn’t give you any indication what the date will be. He just tells you to be ready at 7 p.m. sharp.

As the clock ticks closer to 7, you feel your anxiety spike. You’ve convinced yourself he’s not coming, that you’re being stood up again, until—

Knock! Knock! Knock!

You stand from the couch so fast you make yourself dizzy.

When you open the front door, Steve is waiting. However, he’s not alone.

“Oh!” you say, recognizing Steve’s friend Dustin from some volunteering shifts. “Uh, hey, guys. What—”

“Good morrow!” Dustin booms in a theatrical voice. Steve sighs and shakes his head.

“Henderson,” Steve hisses. “I told you: no Shakespeare shit!”

He turns to you and beams.

“Hey, you look great!” he says. Steve holds up a bouquet of forget-me-nots, your favorite flower. The irony is not lost on you. “This is for you.”

“Oh, thank you,” you say, taking it. “You do too. Uh, and Dustin! Nice hat.”

The hat in question is some sort of computer joke, with lots of 1s and 0s. You don’t understand it. But Dustin preens at your praise.

“Thanks, Y/N!” he says. “Now, are you ready for the date of your life?”

“I’m supposed to be the one to say that,” Steve says. “Henderson, just go wait in the car. In the back seat! BACK. SEAT.”

Dustin clambers into the back of Steve’s BMW.

“Steve,” you say, “did you invite me on a babysitting date?”

“I promise I didn’t,” Steve says. “But I did ask my friends for some assistance. You’ll see. Now, what did Henderson say—are you ready for the date of your life?”

He holds out a hand. You hesitate, but take it and smile.

“I think I am. Rock my world, Steve Harrington.”

He drives you (and Dustin) across town to the nature reserve. Dustin exits the car before Steve’s even fully parked, sprinting ahead into the forest.

“Are we supposed to follow him?” you ask.

“He’s going ahead to set some things up. We’ll follow, just much slower.”

Steve holds out an arm. You link yours in his, a bit flustered at the closeness.

“Sorry if this is weird,” Steve says as the two of you leisurely walk on the reserve’s wooded trails. “I know it’s not your typical dinner date, but we tried that, and I fucked it up.”

“It’s really fine, Steve,” you say. “You were on that medication that made you forget.”

Steve bristles at the reminder of his shitty lie. He wishes he could tell you what really happened. Maybe one day.

“It’s not fine,” Steve says quietly. “I hurt you, and that’s the last thing I want to do. So I hope this will make it up to you.”

You make it to a clearing and you gasp. A picnic table has been decorated with flower petals. Twinkly lights are strung on the tree branches and bushes, and around the nearby park ranger station.

Local rock band Corroded Coffin stands at the edge of the clearing, tuning their instruments. Robin, the new lead singer after Eddie’s passing, notices the two of you enter.

“The lovers are here!” Robin says. “Let’s go, boys! 1, 2, and a 1, 2, 3, 4!”

You’re expecting a heavy metal song, and are pleasantly surprised as they start to perform “Crimson and Clover.”

“Do you like it?” Steve asks. He’s wringing his hands together and looking at you expectantly as you survey the picnic.

“It’s amazing,” you say, eyes shining.

Dustin appears from the ranger’s station with his friend Lucas. They’re in matching bow ties.

“Welcome to Chez Hawkins,” Lucas says. “Table for two?”

The boys lead you and Steve to the picnic table. Dustin hands you two hand drawn menus while Lucas pours red wine into two plastic red cups.

“These are lovely,” you say, fingers lightly tracing over doodles on your menu. “Did you guys draw them?”

“Will Byers did,” Steve says. “He’s, like, an amazing artist.”

“May I recommend the house special: grilled cheese?” Dustin says.

“Mainly because that’s the only thing we know how to make,” Lucas adds sheepishly.

You and Steve “order” grilled cheese sandwiches and the boys disappear back into the ranger station. You can faintly hear them arguing with a third person about how much cheese is too much.

“This is really thoughtful,” you say, gesturing to the decorations and the live band and the wine. “You didn’t have to do all this for me.”

“I wanted to,” Steve says with a shrug. “I want to show how much you mean to me.”

Your insides turn to jelly. No one has ever shown you this much care or attention before. And to think, you wasted two-thirds of a year hating Steve Harrington when you could’ve been having these kinds of lovely date nights all the time?

You push away your regrets about your grudge to enjoy the date. The grilled cheeses Lucas delivers are delicious and pair surprisingly well with the wine. You and Steve talk about everything and nothing, and you thoroughly enjoy the music and the company. Corroded Coffin plays all love songs for you two, except for one or two Metallica hits.

When it’s time for dessert, Lucas and Dustin return with their friend Max Mayfield. She parks her wheelchair next to the picnic table and plops a tupperware onto the table between you and Steve.

“Sorry for the lame presentation,” she says. “I hope you like them.”

Dustin pulls off the tupperware lid and waves “ta-da” jazz hands, revealing four red cupcakes. Each is adorned with pink frosting and heart-shaped sprinkles.

“Red velvet cupcakes with strawberry frosting!” he says. “A combination of your favorites.”

You stare at the cupcakes, jaw dropped. Steve panics when you don’t say anything. He clears his throat.

“Sorry,” he says. “I thought you said once that you liked red velvet, because your grandma always made it for you. You don’t have to eat it! I think I have half a granola bar in my car if—”

“I told you that last summer,” you interrupt.

“Huh?”

“The thing about red velvet cake,” you say. “I told you that last summer. Hell, that was one of the first things we talked about, because I asked if Scoops had a red velvet flavor. And you remembered that? One passing comment from last June?”

Steve swallows hard, nervous under your relentless gaze, and nods.

“Uh, yeah? Is that insanely creepy of me?”

“Kids,” you say, not breaking your gaze from Steve’s adorably flushed face. “Close your eyes.”

Dustin, Lucas, and Max voice their confusion, until you lean across the picnic table, pull Steve up by the collar of his windbreaker, and kiss him fiercely. When the kiss registers, Steve wraps an arm around your waist.

The two of you look ridiculous, each half-sitting, half-standing on your sides of the table. Max snatches the tupperware onto her lap just as you pull a little too hard and Steve falls onto the tabletop. He winces and rubs his elbow, and you apologize profusely—but can’t stop smiling.

“Disgusting,” Lucas says, shaking his head. “You two couldn’t even wait until we were gone.”

“Eat these before you make out,” Max says. “They took all day.”

The trio of teens mumble about “gross adults” before retreating to the ranger station. You join Steve on his side of the table, not wanting to be even two feet apart.

“This is the perfect dessert,” you say, “and this is a perfect date. Thank you, Steve.”

“Of course,” Steve says. “I hope it makes up for last year. I still feel so bad about it—”

You place a hand on top of Steve’s.

“You don’t have to be sorry anymore,” you say softly. “It’s all right, Steve. I fully and wholly forgive you. The past is the past.”

“You’re not just saying that because I gave you wine and cupcakes?”

“Nope. But I like wine and cupcakes, so you should do that again sometime.”

“I think I can swing that.”

He takes a bite of his second cupcake just as you whisper something about a different kind of dessert you want to give him, if he wants to take you home. He almost chokes on sprinkles, face as pink as the strawberry frosting, before he grabs your hand and pulls you down the trail. You giggle as he calls over his shoulder, “Robin! Stay with Vickie tonight!”

“Harrington! You paid us to play!” Gareth, the drummer, shouts after you two. “Not clean up!”

“Oh, let them go,” Robin says. “They’re in love! Besides, we’ll make Dustin clean.”

You and Steve spend a perfect night together. As promised, he rocks your world.

🍓🍓🍓

Your boyfriend Steve is forgetful.

He misses doctor’s appointments. He forgets to pick you up from work sometimes. He gets schedules mixed up, and, yes, sometimes he forgets date night.

But you’re a patient person, now that you know he doesn’t do it intentionally. You love him with your whole heart, and you know he feels the same. And you couldn’t ask for anything more.

#steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x gn!reader #steve harrington fanfic #stranger things fanfic #steve harrington #st fic: forget

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karshown · 4 months

Text

❧ REPEATED -- FORGET ME NOT

➻Summary ' after messing around with Satoru Gojo for a while, he was originally supposed to be nothing but someone meant for your enjoyment & entertainment. You were the one that established that with him, he was of course fine with the whole idea since he wasnt looking forward to a nagging girlfriend regardless. Until the end of whatever you two had was over, you gained feelings and began to treat you guys as messing with each other as something more than it truly was, which it wasn't, he noticed it too. Which was his cue to dip & leave, he more than likely got the last laugh & the last bit of enjoyment, it wasnt till after that you realized you were pregnant with a literal human copy of Satoru. Down to his very eyes.

______________ hoping to never meet him again especially because of how embarrassing of the way things ended, you practically became a whole different person without Satoru, it wasnt until 4 years ago that you stepped out of your shell once more. Until you had to go grab small things for your baby, his fourth birthday was coming up rather quickly than expected & you began to prepare for his small gathering party.

-The day of the party wasn't supposed to go the way it did, everyone knew the history you two had, so how and why was his smell lingering in the atmosphere, more importantly why was HE here?!

ALL CHARACTERS ARE ABOVE LEGAL AGE

-- SATORU lazily sat back into the cushion beneath him, nonchalantly blinking and staring at the woman in front of him whom he clearly had NO genuine feelings towards. Eventually he stopped paying attention to her going on and on about the same thing, it felt like an everyday argument that they had, but they had both known that they were nothing but barely a situation. It was quite obvious that Satoru didn't care at all about having a relationship with her & most definitely wanted nothing more to do with her, all she was good for and all he wanted was HER BODY.

Her curves & the way her hips swayed what was really intriguing to him, what he really wanted and desired of course he wouldn't tell her that directly, but he definitely said it indirectly only sparing her feelings here and there. He was so blunt about how he felt so there was no actual way that she was so fucking oblivious. The smell of the paints in the art room and the constant repetition of sentences that she kept spitting out drove Satoru to the final breaking point, it was all or never.

"Look I can't keep torturing myself like this, its stressing me out honestly lets just end it." Satoru blurted out unexpectedly, he clearly didn't mean to as he went stiff after saying that. Sooner than later he thanked himself, silently patting himself on the back, the weight of his chest lifted the second he finally told her how he felt.

The room went dead silent, a moment of realization hit her, the look on her face was truly priceless enough to make cold hearted Satoru let out a giggle.. maybe even a loud laugh. Anything that doesnt have to do with him he doesnt bother to even stress himself to care. He continued to relax & even get more comfortable as he sat on the soft cushion a smirk soon replaced his blank expression.

He began to tap his foot as he assumed their one-sided argument and situationship was officially over as soon as she began to tear up. She had nothing else to say to him, all she could do was simply stare, so deep into thought that she hadn't realized that he was leaving the room. Just stunned. The moment the door slid shut after Satoru left was when she snapped back into reality by the loud tap of the side of the door and the wall connecting.

After that, things were awkward.

_____ ONE WEEK AFTER .

"Don't bother inviting Y/N, shes liable to not even show like usual." Suguru commented on the list of people that were intially invited to a large graduation party that Satoru was hosting. The job of handling the invite list was given to Mei mei to control, she shrugged as she glided her eraser across the white sheet of paper a few times, which was completely covered with almost all of the names of students that attended the school.

Y/N didn't bother to make any associates after what had happened a week ago, she was quickly changed from someone who was loud and bubbly, never really sad to someone who became a background character. All she did was shrug, stare, and that was pretty much it. No one cared to talk to her nor did she care to ask for anyones number, she was a complete nobody.

❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦❦

"Satoru can go to hellllll!!!" Nobara at least goes on about how dirty I was done by Satoru almost every week, its like a daily unnecessary reminder of how embarrassed I was. The first time I brought up what happened between me and him she was nothing but furious, but soon enough it turned into laughs and giggles by both of us.

"Mmm s-satoru can go to he-" Juno quickly tried to repeat what Nobara had said, thankfully I cut him off with a swift motion of my hand.

"LOOK AT YOU, influencing Juno to follow after your bad decisions!" I soon gripped my temple & sucked my teeth, as it felt like I was taking care of two different babies. Juno soon began to lick my hand as I jerked my hand bac Nobara quickly jumped to her own defense.

"Hes a mini me, you just popped him out of ya big pompom!!" I crossed my arms in disbelief as Juno was unfazed by Nobaras choice of words. "Stop with your disgusting choice of words, I cant have my precious baby being flooded with such nonsense!" I rolled my eyes as I scooped Juno up into my arms gently, Nobara clearly ignored what I said as she swung the freezer door open, soon grabbing a new tub of strawberry ice cream to munch on.

"We literally have to begin setting up immediately, this party has to go ACCORDING to plan, no mistakes." I quickly darted an eye at Nobara since shes used to making slight mistakes, although she always covers it up, we cannot afford any mistakes & HEAVY on cannot AFFORD.

"Le calls Yujo" Nobara continued to stuff her face with strawberry ice cream as I tried to make out what she was saying. She soon swallowed the left over ice cream as she shivered from the sudden cold sensation. I plastered a look of confusion on my face as I waited for her to adjust.

"Ugh don't act like you couldnt tell what I was saying, lets call YUJIII!!" She ran to her phone as if that wasnt odd enough she began to dance like a complete idiot. Juno started to push and pull as he tried to free himself from my grasp, I let him go and immediately he ran over to Nobara and they had their own dancing session.

Nobara laughed as Juno mimicked her every move, She found Yujis contact as she facetimed him & bent down to entertain Juno with her weird hand gestures that shes been teaching him since he was one. Yuji answered the phone after two tries since hes a dnd warrior, & surprisingly enough he was with Megumi, even though all of us assumed that Megumi would end up never leaving his house or daring to step out.

"YUJIIIIII!!!" Nobara happily grinned as Yuji showed Megumi and him walking around, then directed the camera back to himself. "NOBARAAAAAA" Yuji returned the same energy back as Meguim rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Come over to help us decorate, hmm!!" the second that Nobara said that the doorbell started to ring frantically. "ill get it." I already knew it was Yuji by checking the ring camera outside. He likes to stick his eye all up in the camera while Megumi just stands on the side as usual. Gosh they're complete opposites.

Of course Juno had to run over to the door, as soon as I unlocked the door and let Yuji as well as Megumi in, Juno made his presence known by greeting them both with his beautiful singing. "Megumiiii you are my favorite, Yujiiii I dont hate youuuuu," his strange choice of words made the song even more cuter, as those were some of the words he'd been recently taught. Yuji being yuji, he felt obviously hurt by Junos words as he was not his favorite, Yujis acting skills were to the tea as he began to fake like he was genuinely hurt by Juno. Yuji made a mess along the floors as he stepped into the house dragging the snow and dirt beneath his shoes. Megumi did different, instead he swiped each foot back and forth on the front door mat.

"Juno how could you!!" Yuji said as he fell to his knees onto the soft grey rug that Juno awkwardly stood on, Juno then copied Yuji as he fell to his knees as well. Megumi simply greeted Juno back by ruffling his few strands of grey hairs & white short, wavy locks as Juno smiled and giggled. Juno repeated the action on to Yuji instead, as he ran his small chubby fingers through Yujis short, wavy bright pink hair. Genuinely fascinated by his hair Juno began to aggressively grab at it, as he examined the deep features. Yuji allowed him to do so as he too examined some of Junos features, first his bright ocean blue eyes then, his newest onesie that showcased blue and white stripes on it, with a small white hood, but if the hood was actually on Junos head, it would cover up his eyes almost completely.

"Juno don't be too rough." I lightly scolded him as Yuji shooed me away with a hand gesture signaling that it was okay, I made my way back into the kitchen where Nobara was almost finished with the strawberry ice cream.

"Don't get too comfortable, WE HAVE TO DECORATE!!!" Nobara shouted as she seemed more excited than anyone to decorate, I would understand why, she loves decorating especially since its something shes truly good at. Everyone loves when Nobara decorates.

A few moments passed & before we even noticed it, Nobara had already gotten to decorating. I turned on music & started to actually help Nobara cautiously making sure to not get in her way just so she didnt try to physically ATTACK me.

-----------------------------------------------------

The house was covered, almost everything had something laid on it, taped on it, or worse, glued on it.

Yuji sat back as he continued to drink more and more of the little bit of water bottles that I had left in the fridge, the most that he even accomplished was putting up the "Happy birthday Juno!" sign, & only that took every bit of strength and life he had left in him.

"We did pretty good" Megumi said as he placed his hands on his hips, admiring all of the work we'd done.

"You mean, I did pretty good." Nobara commenting on megumis previous statement as she had to take all of the praise or it wouldn't feel right, she wouldn't be okay with it. Megumi scoffed and rolled his eyes as Nobara continued to speak highly of her achievement.

"You two anger me sometimes," just then after saying that ONE thing I was shot two evil glares by both Megumi and Nobara at the same exact time.

"Whatever."

"Blame Megumi."

---------------------------- THE DAY OF.

December 8th, a day after Satoru Gojos birthday.

-----------------------------------------------------

I finished everything before the exact time that all of the guests arrived, yesterday it had snowed like it usually does, every year. I set small gift bags on some of the tables for the other kids that would be arriving anytime now, Nobara finally made her grand entrance as she made her way down the stairs with her short orange hair in a slick high bun, with little hairs peeking out onto her forehead.

She decided on wearing a dress to match my bodysuit, we both wore a tight black outfit. Both having snug tight long sleeves.

"You look GORGEOUS!" Nobara squealed as almost as if she was a fangirl, a fan of me.

"YOU TOO OMGG!!" I returned the same genuine energy back as we jumped up and down like two high schooler girls just seeing each other once again after a long break. Nobara treated me as if i was her girlfriend, thats probably why I never bothered to find another after Satoru.

"Wait everyone will be here soon!" Nobara excitedly clapped as I dreaded the thought slightly, I wasn't too fond of more than a few people at a time, i'll manage though since originally this is what Juno begged for, even shedded a few small tears for.

Seconds passed before we heard various versions of knocks, before we knew it the front door swung open with more people than I imagined once they had realized that the door was unlocked. Everyone was lined up with a gift after another, only few of them with a mini version of themselves to attend with them though.

The kids quickly made themselves comfortable in the living room as they awaited for Junos arrival, he'd been taking his precious time in his room upstairs.

"Nobara i'll be back, i'm going to go check on Juno!" I shouted to Nobara as she raised the volume of the music, the adults all gathered around the kitchen, beginning to laugh and make various conversations and comments. I took that time to make my way to Junos room, wondering what was truly going on.

I stood in front of Junos door for a little before twisting the doorknob and peeking in.

"Juno.?" I called out.

"Yes mommy." his small voice replied as I pushed my way in gently, I slowly pushed my weight onto the door as it shut closed, my attention darted to Junos small frame sitting on his bed as he fidgeted with his tiny fingers, kicking his legs back and forth slightly as they hit the bed frame here and there.

"Whats wrong, baby?" I asked with deep concern in my voice, I sat next to him as the bed dipped.

"Are you scared?" Juno quickly turned his head away signaling that I was right, I sighed with slight relief at least it wasn't too major.

"Are you scared of the people downstairs or is it something deeper?" I cupped his small face in my hand as I massaged his chubby cheek with my thumb.

"What if they don't like me." I almost chuckled, who wouldn't like Juno, not even like, love. Juno's fun, and truthfully a perfect kid.

"Im sure they'd love you, baby!" a smile replaced the half frown on Junos face as his eyes lit up with excitement instead of worry.

"Want me to carry you down?"

"Noo mommy" Juno happily said as I stood up, he soon slid off his bed, I lightly fixed his shirt after as I examined his outfit to make sure it was neat, his favorite character was Leonardo from 'Teenage mutant Ninja Turtles', which ironically was one of the closest characters to his father, which was also the theme of the party aswell as the entire theme of his outfit, down to his very shoes.

I heard my name being called by Nobara loudly, before I made my way out of Junos room I signaled him to follow.

"Lets head downstairs, aunt Nobara is calling," I then made my way out of Junos room, and I hardly paid attention to what she was calling me for as I was more so focused on Juno, once I made it to the last step on the stairs I noticed a familiar smell.

Only a smell that Satoru had, his own personal smell lingered in my house for the first time. I felt disgusted, I turned my head and I was met with the man I swore up and down that I would never meet again.

There he was, standing in front of me with a black t shirt on, black sweats, black socks, at this point black everything! even his damn nike slides. Nobara took this as a chance to grab Juno as she seen my expression, blank to anger, within seconds.

I felt my stomach churning, I wanted to bomit right then and there. He naturally smirked at me, like this was okay.? Juno was obviously confused, on the fact that a random man showed up looking exactly like him & not just that, also how his own mother knew the man.

Everyone was too busy to pay attention to the tension between me and the man that stood before me, without another thought I grabbed his hand and as aggravated as I was, I wasn't going to make a scene at my sons party. I unlocked the backdoor to the large grassy field behind the house, then slid the thick tinted door closed.

"Why are you here." I yanked my hand back from Satoru as he sighed & crossed his arms over his toned chest.

"To see my son, & his mother that claims to hate me so bad, although we both know you've missed me." I scoffed, was this man serious? like dead serious or is he playing me in my face?

"Are you being completely fucking serious or?"

"Im being so serious."

"I can't, I hate you so bad." It was clear that Satoru was barely paying attention to my words, not in as much as a bad way but not necessarily in a good way.

"Why'd you hide him so long?" Satoru asked as if he didn't just literally spit bs.

"I had no way of contacting you, thats for one, then two does it not process in your head that I quite literally despise your entire existence? I don't want my, I mean our child to turn out like his piece of shit father." I blurted out, regretting some of the things I said but they had to be said, especially since I had been holding this back since forever.

"I want to apologize, I started this entire conversation off wrong, even this entire thing of meeting you again. We left off on bad terms because of me." Satoru genuinely said, this time with no sarcasm or anything. Almost as if he actually meant what he was saying? his usual smirk was replaced with a small frown as his hand rested along the nape of his neck, he refused eye contact with me as he directed his attention to the long grass.

Something in me encouraged me to leap into his arms and forgive him immediately, another part of me wanted to laugh in his face, as if he would never get a "i forgive you" out of me, ever.

"Give me a hug." I lowly sighed as I felt almost, bad for him. Without hesitation Satoru hurried to my grasp, picking me up in an instant as my legs swung around his waist, this wasn't anything more than a hug. He wanted it to be, I wasn't ready for bigger things than just this, even though I wrapped my arms around his neck, his large, rough hands snaked around my thighs and down to cup my butt in both hands.

"I honestly missed you, i apologize for me being childish, I mean more childish than I am now." Satoru whispered into my ear but in all honesty I missed him as well, I didn't allow myself to get close with any other man in a way that was more than a friendship because of how scarred I was by Satoru, this felt like closure.

Something i've been wanting, no needing.

-----------------------------------------------------

#jjk gojo #jjk #jjk x reader #gojo x reader #gojo x y/n #megumi fushiguro #nobara kugisaki #jujutsu nobara #yuji itadori #geto suguru #gojo satoru #satorugojo

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ftm-radio · 10 days

Text

My gender is 4 years old

...and four days, as of April 15th. This post is a bit late. 😅

Four years ago, all the confusing little puzzle pieces I'd been collecting came together in a genuine eureka! moment and I realized I was transgender. It was exhilarating and terrifying and it undeniably changed my life for the better.

The last few years have felt pretty damn slow and I've had to scramble over a few frustrating obstacles (never changing my name AGAIN, lmao, that was annoying as fuck) but it's all been worth it and now it feels like I'm really making headway.

I started testosterone this past year! I did that! I'm almost 7 months on T now! Currently on a dose of two pumps of gel, which I have only missed applying once in all that time because I was literally sick. The changes are gradual but they are real and they have already brought me so much joy and made me so much happier in my humble flesh prison. 💗

The most anticipated change for me (and for a lot of transmasc folks, I imagine) is my voice, and BOY (heh) am I happy to share this data comparison with you:

[ LEFT: A screenshot from the Voice Pitch Analyzer app, dated November 3rd, 2021. It shows that OP's voice registers fully within the female voice range. RIGHT: Another screenshot from the app, dated April 12th, 2024. This one shows that OP's voice registers mostly between the Androgynous and Male voice ranges. ]

My voice is so different now. It sounds different, it feels different, and in just the last week or so I swear it has gotten a little rougher and raspier and I am LIVING. I could not be happier!!!

...okay, fine, I could be happier lmao.

I'm adjusting to my deeper voice and still learning how to use it in a way I like & that feels best to me, so I'm starting to do some casual at-home voice training again after basically forgetting about the concept completely since 2021. (Whoops.) But I am already so much happier and more content with my voice than I have ever been in my life, so it's only getting better from here, lads. <3

I've also had to go to a lot of appointments and answer a ton of phone calls about said appts recently because I kinda fucked up my eyeball (it's better now, don't worry! and be gentle to your eyes, they are delicate and eye drops are so fucking annoying when you're doing them seven times a day, jfc) and my voice has reached a point where I was a lot more comfortable interacting with strangers and I also didn't notice any surprise or confusion when I introduced myself with a male name! It was kind of amazing.

Also singing is even more fun now. I love love LOVE singing along with a male vocalist and feeling the way my voice kinda rumbles through my chest. 10/10 sensory experience.

Other changes aren't nearly as exciting or obvious as my voice, but here's a quick (?) rundown, for those who are curious:

Mood — Gotta be honest, I don't think I've really noticed any significant change in my day-to-day mood, though I may not be the best judge for this because I have trouble figuring out what/how I'm feeling in general, tbh. But I think I have certainly gotten more comfortable and content with myself and I'd even go so far as to say I feel a little more confident these days. It's nice, I appreciate it.

Acne — I definitely noticed a change in how my acne presents itself on my face. I wouldn't say it's worse than before (I've had very bad acne since I was a young teenager and only got medication for it like, last year which has helped immensely) but I think it's different. More little red spots and roughness than the unpleasant and painful pimples I'm used to. I don't even mind it, really. Oddly affirming.

Facial Hair — I've got facial hair. I really do!!! Not clickbait!!! It's not much, not enough for me to be brave and take my dad up on his offer of shaving lessons quite yet, but it has grown in enough that I don't feel silly including it in self portraits! 🤭🧔🏻 Got a little bit of a mustache happening, a little bit at the sides of my face, some fuzz on my chin (with one LONG hair that I can only assume has been greedy and stealing his brothers' growth), and a frankly surprising lil patch of hair under my jaw. On a semi-related note, not sure if my brows have gotten much darker/thicker. They might have? idk.

my new discord icon, hehe... 👁💜🪓

Body Hair — I have gotten a little more hair on my forearms, and it may have gotten a little darker too! I have a tattoo on my arm just below my left wrist and it's been surprisingly helpful for measuring arm hair growth because for years my tattoo was not covered by hair at all but the left side of it's a little fuzzy now... 😏 I've gotten more noticeable hair growth on my upper arms, which were basically hairless before (free gender euphoria every time I put on my T) and on my thighs. Don't think my lower legs have gotten much hairier, and I'm a little impatient about it lmao. I want to get hairy enough to rival my brother.

Energy/Appetite — Can't say I've really noticed any differences here? I am not a very active person and I already struggled with appetite and getting myself to eat before I started T (thank you adhd & poor eating habits 🥲💀), so I can't quite tell if I'm ignoring more hunger signals than usual. 😅 I am hoping to get more active and start doing more physical activity now that it's starting to get warmer outside again, so hopefully that will help me see these sorts of changes and also get me into some better eating habits as I expend more energy and work up a proper appetite! (Also, since we're on the topic... a reminder for all of us that taking care of yourself and feeding the body you live in is a million times more important than aesthetics and numbers on a scale. ❤)

Menstruation — I am still getting my period right on schedule, but I am happy to say it is considerably lighter than it was before I started testosterone! My period has begun getting shorter, too. It lasted for roughly 7–9 days before, but I was bleeding for exactly 7 days last month, and only 6 days this month. I'm not sure if this trend will continue at such a dramatic rate, but if my next round is only 5 days I will be very excited about it, lol. My uterus can retire any day now, please...

Bottom Growth — if any of my friends read this part, don't speak to me about it lmao — Yeah... there's a little bit of something happening down there. Not a lot, and I haven't really noticed any pain or sensitivity, but there's a Difference. Aaaaand I like it. 😌 I am looking forward to any and all future developments. 😏👉🏻👉🏻

Okay! I think that's it, really.

I know I haven't been super active on this blog for quite a while now (I have really gotten into fandom blogging on my main lmao, and also discord is my favorite thing right now, it's where 90% of my friends live) so I hope this nice, long, ramble-y post makes up for that a little bit. <3

Not gonna make any promises that I'll post here more often, but y'know. I might. It could happen. Definitely not leaving this blog to sit and gather dust, that's for sure. I'll still be reblogging stuff semi-frequently, even if I'm not writing up my own posts.

So goodbye for now, and thanks for tuning in! 👋🏻📻💖💙✨️

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quizmasterfred · 3 months

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13 in 'The God Complex'

I saw a Reddit post a while ago asking 'what episode would you like to see a different Doctor tackle', and now it's been ages but i had some thoughts, and can't stop thinking about it, and just desperately need to write them down somewhere so here if you're seeing this: sorry, you've got to deal with my ramblings now.

This could replace ‘Legend of the Sea Devils’ wholesale. It was most people's least favourite centenary special, so hopefully we’re not losing much. OR, if you want to wrangle 4 specials in that year, it comes between ‘Eve of the Daleks’ and LotSD, which I’ll elaborate on later.

Arrival:

13 genuinely intends to follow through with “that moment on the beach where you tell me everything”, directly says as much at the end of EotD. Instead of fobbing it off with “whatever happened to the lost treasure of the Flor de la Mar”, they ARE going to San Munrohvar, which Yaz is ecstatic about.

In the OG God Complex (quick reminder: 11/Amy/Rory originally), it’s Amy’s faith in the Doctor which brings them there, and it’s the same now. Except it’s not just the generic faith of a particularly attached companion, it’s the exact specific moment of Yaz knowing she’s about to get that conversation.

Her faith is both restored, and about to be rewarded. After years of asking, and wondering, and being fobbed off, finally the Doctor is opening up. And right after Yaz’s coming out to Dan? Wow - what if!

They aren’t there because Yaz “has faith in the Doctor”, they’re there now because in the exact moment the TARDIS launched, that faith was higher and more intense that it has ever been.

Dan:

Common complaint is that Dan’s a bit of a blank slate – Diane, Liverpool, nice bloke. Fun moments, but not enough time to really develop as a character. I’m not going to make a spectacular reveal here and give him an amazing arc, but at the very least we have a chance to make that blank-slatedness really work. He takes on Rory’s role in the story:

13’s Room:

We never see 11’s room, only hear the TARDIS’ cloister bell as he looks in. The implication, of course, is that he’s afraid of dying – permanently. Trenzalore, no more regenerations. Very nice and subtle for 11’s arc/personality – the old man disguising himself as a 20-something.

13 has a very different problem: she’s the Timeless Child, she’s been alive for potentially a billion years before her memories begin, and she’s still regenerating. 11 is afraid of regenerations running out; 13 is afraid they’ll never run out.

It’s harder to convey my idea here with just a noise, not showing the inside of the room itself, so I will describe what I imagine the room to look like, but if there’s a way to do this without showing the viewer, that’d obviously be great.

Her room is a field of graves: “Susan Foreman”, “Sarah-Jane Smith”, “Alastair Lethbridge-Stewart”, “Donna Noble”, “Amy + Rory Williams” (an exact copy of the grave from ‘The Angels take Manhattan’), “Clara Oswald”, River('s Screwdriver/Neural Relay sitting on a Library server?), “Bill Potts”, “Yasmin Khan”, even one written in Gallifreyan (could be inferred to be the Master, but not directly stated). Only a brief look, but enough for someone to pause it and read a bunch of companions’ names.

Many are faded, symbolising a fear that one day she’ll be so old with so many lost loved ones, there simply won’t be room for all of them, and she’ll starting to forget their names and faces. Thousands more we can’t read, the people she’s yet to meet across all her future lives, and they will age and die all the same. In the centre, she’s still there. Alive, young, never dying. Maybe it’s not even Jodie standing there – maybe it’s Ncuti Gatwa, or some completely other actor: ‘generic future self’.

This is the moment of tragedy for her. After her own chat with Dan, the fireworks, seeing Sarah + Nick happy, she had decided to give it a try with Yaz. But seeing this room is what changes that. This is the moment she says to herself:

In OG, this happens immediately after 11 effectively invites Rita to join the crew, but maybe we can swap these around. So 13 sees this, completely psyches herself out of pursuing a relationship with Yaz, knows in her heart that her biggest fear is losing more and more and more people, but seeing Rita being a little bit brilliant again makes 13 invite her along anyway. She can’t help it – a clever little human working their way in, no matter what. Bittersweet.

Speaking of:

Rita:

Another young Muslim woman who’s a little bit brilliant and a little bit too brave? In all of time and space, it’s a bit weird for a bottle episode to have someone who, on the face of it, is basically a carbon copy of our main companion, right? We’ll see.

13 gets along with Rita just as 11 did. Maybe Dan is the butt of the ‘with regret, you’re fired’ joke. Maybe in a moment alone, Dan can crack a line to Rita that ‘she’s got a thing for clever Muslim gals’. But of course, most importantly, Rita and Yaz have a bit of bonding over their shared faith. Rita mentions ‘Jahannam’ in the OG, and we can use that to get some insight to Yaz’s faith. We know she’s practicing-enough to visit a Mosque (mentioned in Rosa), but really we get very little exploration of what Islam truly means to her throughout Chibnall’s run. Give Yaz something personal that isn’t tied to the Doctor, y’know.

Then, the phone call when Rita is about to die. Like 11, 13 tries to talk her into coming back: maybe she can save her, she really wants to save her. She can’t convince Rita, but Yaz takes the phone off of her. Two young women of the same religion have a heart-to-heart about faith and rapture and Jahannam. They both start off thinking Yaz was brought here for the same reason Rita was (and the viewer does too) – stealing their religion from them.

BUT, Rita gradually realises that isn’t true for Yaz. She realises that Yaz’s faith in the Doctor is stronger: “if you come back, the Doctor can save [you/us]”. That brief, shining moment of beauty that Yaz felt when the Doctor confirmed she would follow through on ‘tell[ing] you everything’ was so powerful, it eclipsed her religious faith. Not forever, she hasn’t become an atheist, but the novelty, the cocktail of love, and rewarded patience, and anticipation, and trust – for a tiny moment, it out-shone her other faith, and that’s why the TARDIS was pulled in by the eponymous God Complex.

Maybe Rita says it explicitly, or maybe she doesn’t. Either way, Yaz also realises what Rita has seen, but the Doctor isn’t privy to Rita’s side of the conversation (because… phone). They hang up, turn off the cameras, and Rita dies. If Yaz hadn’t let the Doctor take over her life and heart, could she have saved Rita? Did someone die because she failed as a Muslim? (Obviously the answer is no – that’s not how faith/religion works, and Rita was dead anyway because that is how the minotaur works, but the point is Yaz has a total crisis here)

As with the OG, the very next scene is the Doctor’s ‘I figured it out’ moment.

Yaz is hit with a whole fresh wave of guilt. The whole reason they’re here, the thing that killed Rita – and the Doctor agrees with that assessment (the Doctor couldn’t hear Rita, so this obviously isn’t actually the Doctor saying ‘you’re right, you got her killed’ – the Doctor would never think or say something like that – but that’s what it feels like to Yaz).

Yaz’s Room:

Now this is what’s really beautiful about the change from 11 to 13. Amy and Yaz’s rooms are the same thing. Amy’s is a little girl waiting by a window for her Raggedy Man to come back; abandoned. Yaz’s is a young woman in a basic white TARDIS console room, surrounded by sticky notes and sheets of paper, after hundreds of failed attempts to make it fly, waiting for the Doctor to come back from Gallifrey; abandoned.

[Quick side-note: the moment between Amy and Gibbis where she says ‘I thought that room was for me’ about the Weeping Angels still works for Yaz. In her only meeting with the Angels, what was the result? They took the Doctor away from her for 3 years]

11’s speech to Amy, tearing down the image of him in her head – saving her life by pretending he can’t – absolutely stunning. But 13 has even more to work with here: Amy/Rory, Clara (died because she became too much like the Doctor – hello Yaz), River. The added tragedy of breaking not just a friend, but someone who is actively in love with her and who she shares those feelings for, and the only way to save Yaz’s life is to shatter those feelings.

AND: Bill. "Remember that man who tried to kill you, Graham, and Ryan in a plane crash the instant he met you? The man who tried to kill us all on Gallifrey, and is ultimately the reason I left you, vanishing for 10 months? The man you’re most afraid of, of every villain we’ve met together? I TRIED TO HELP HIM. I put his redemption above Bill and Nardole’s safety because ‘[he’s] the only one person that I’ve ever met who’s even remotely like me’ (direct quote, btw(!) – ‘World Enough and Time’), and it got her mercilessly killed and converted. That’s the sort of person I am, and now I’m about to get you killed too."

Falling Action:

Because Yaz is a little bit brilliant, and coming into her own as “becoming like the Doctor”, like Clara did, she later works out that the speech in her room was ‘the plan all along^TM’ to get rid of the minotaur, and starts to patch herself up by telling herself that the Doctor didn’t really mean not to trust her. So Yaz presses, once again, asking for the Doctor to tell her something about herself.

The Doctor, of course, actually was being genuine, because her own room – the field of graves – scared her that much. 11 rebuffs Amy’s question, continuing with his exposition about the prison. 13 does the same to Yaz. The episode started with Yaz being elated that the Doctor would finally open up, and ends with 13 reverting back to closed-off, and refusing to answer a personal question. Because 13 saw what was in her room, and decided, against everything they both wanted 45 minutes ago, that she can’t fix herself. So back in the box it goes.

Then:

From 11’s perspective, this could be perceived as bittersweet. He’s still afraid of death, but at least there’s someone here and now commiserating with him. Maybe it would be a gift, and maybe he can accept it in time, and go to Trenzalore in peace. But for 13, it’s just bitter. 'Yes, it would be a gift – if only I could ever have it. But at least I can grant it to you.'

We can either do the beach scene now, ‘can’t fix myself’…

(and then in my ideal world, alter Power of the Doctor to give us a slightly happier end / opening up / explaining 13's hotel room / Thasmin kiss, because god knows us gays need someone to throw us a bone – but that’s not important right now, not relevant to 13!GodComplex)

Or this is where the Doctor goes ‘let’s fuck about looking for the Flor de la Mar’, cue LotSD. Again we see the contrast between her genuine intent to be honest with Yaz 45 minutes ago vs fobbing it off now. Yaz’s heart is broken for real, just after she managed to convince herself that the Doctor’s speech in the hotel room was all a trick.

I can't stop thinking about it, because Doctor Who has consumed my every waking moment for the last 2 months...

#13th doctor #yasmin khan #thasmin #11th doctor #amy pond #the god complex #eve of the daleks #legend of the sea devils #power of the doctor #doctor who

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 3 months

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My Old man's tale about benetint (product) & review:

in summer 2008 i was 14 & my best friend's family took me to Vegas w them. she had only just moved to my school for 9th grade & i hadn't met her older sister til this trip. She was 21 & soooo insanely beautiful like if barbie was a hollister model she had the look so refined in every sense, i was dazzled by her.

& she was so sweet to us, my friends parents went & did their own thing so the whole trip we spent with her but she wasn't annoyed about it at all she seemed content to hang w us & protect us from vile men along the strip.

On this trip i went to sephora for the first time. hadn't heard of it before. it had huge windows so everything was glowing from sunlight & it was sooo overwhelming. my friend's sister liked this brand benefit so i picked out a little starter kit that came w bad gal mascara, high beam highlighter, booing concealer, and benetint.. Let me tell you for the next year i cherished this kit like it elevated me a new level towards Prestiged Adult Woman status. but the makeup was noticeably nicer quality for sure! from my memory at least.

the thing i remember most was benetint cus i wore it soooo much for the rest of the summer & beyond, i stretched that tiny bottle as far as it wld go cus i luved it sm.. but after it ran out i never tried to use it again idk just being a teen moving onto the next thing. But lately i jst rly wanted a goood lip tiiiint cus i dont wanna b wearing lipstick or gloss all the time its too much i just want chapstick but i like a little more color too.. usually i wld use lip liner but it always felt like it wld smudge off so quick n its kinda drying.

so i tried benetint again bcus i remember it being so easy to put on n then just forget about, it didnt get on ur clothes or teeth or nothin. after wearing for a couple weeks i can say this is still tru! i rly like it, very convenient, chapstick goes gr8 over top so my lips r never dry from it. its kind of expensive but it lasts a long time , for me i dnt have much makeup rn so felt nice to get st i actually use ^^ the taste & smell of it are mildly rosey, rly brings me back to those times..

being in vegas those 4 days w my friend n her sis are definitely a core memory for me it was totally surreal. i wish i had photos still but no clue where to find them, my friend's fb account got hacked years ago n had to get deleted, so many photos gone </3 we stayed at treasure island & across the street was this huge mall that was repeatedly playing an ipod commercial with the song Shut Up & Let Me Go by the ting-tings, like... ON REPEAT, ALL DAY & ALL NIGHT, so that song gives me the wildest flashbacls like i'm literally There. In the august heat. i can smell it like. its amazing thank you advertising :)

this is not an ad btw i mean obviously LOL i honestly just got thinking so hard about vegas '08 after purchasing The Product. oh yeah there was thunderstorms too... i went to hot topic at the mall which was wild for me since they didnt have one any where near my town.. i got some shorts from hollister i remember, also a rarity. friends sis got me my first ever drink, a peach daquiri...just one <3 it was such a nice break from my woeful home life lol i wanted to live in america so bad after this xD

thats my story...o and benetint is chill i mean i genuinely wanted to recommend it to ppl who want st simple it looks rly pretty cus until this i was struggling to find anything worthwhile. theres other shades too. Yup. Thanksyou for reading my LiveJournal Entry tonight minasan ^_^ Hope you're well x

-PMD9

#frossworld #pochitareviews

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haveaclock · 8 days

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Uhm...

Hi everyone?

Back from my little break I guess.

1 year is quite little

yea sure April 18 ,2023( the last time I posted) was a long time ago but,

"It's April 21st!! Of 2024!!"

oh wait I'm talking to myself again..

----------------------------------------------

Guess whose back, Back again, Shady's back..tell a friend.

yea

I have an excuse! I was going to take a break in observance of my little sister turning 10 (she's 11 she's growing up way too fast), boom one year later.

Genuinely forgot why I left Tumblr,for that matter social media after that..blame it on mental health and stress.

People should know that stuff happens in a year, things change. So guess what, this blog is changing..whoopi. Excluding my pfp I love it so much for absolutely no reason

-----------------------------------------------

Blog things.

When I created this blog, I was in my "Jeantonio era", Jeantonio hyperfixation, if you were a CS fan in late 2022 most likely I was in your screen yapping about them and what not. Literally that was all my blog was good for, for that reason alone.

Yea, no more of that. I'm guessing the light switch turned off. I don't know what happened genuinely speaking they just aren't like..you can say I've gotten mature, when I look back at my posts I want to cry, bawl and curl up into a ball fetus position by the pure cringe of it. I don't know.

Not all only Jeantonio, it's just CS in general, sure I'm in a discord server (hi @tiredguyswag) about La Femme Rouge but I really just don't feel the same way about the show I used to. Blame it on personal life I guess.

now that I say that all I say on discord is how I stopped having a Jeantonio hyperfixation 🙃

Anyways,

Don't get me wrong I still love the,but I'll barely post about them. Yea, mind blower.

Next segment

--------------------------------------------------

Bio thing

It's funny how I haven't made this before but that's that I guess,

- I go by Cassandra,

(@r41nb0wzzz DO NOT CALL ME OUT, I KNOW WHAT MY NAME IS.)

-Minor (don't hit on me 😒)

-She/Her

Hobbies: Drawing, Animations, Running,..does talking count?

.. I'll just skip to the fandoms part.

- Avatar:The Last Airbender

- Carmen SanDiego (kinda obvious)

- Any kind of children's show

-Mandela Catalogue

- MLP

- Undertale, but just barely

- Steven Universe

- Genshin Impact

-Spiderverse

I've forgotten now

Now, this shall come as a Total shocker for you guys but,

- Total Drama Island

see what I did there

next segment

-------------------------------------------------

Everyone knows what a hyperfixation is,

A character(s) or show, or something you like so much you traumatize them or you draw them in class so much you have 3 full pages of that one character.

(Okay, funny thing is I've never drawn El Topo and Le Chèvre like, never in my life until like, January this year during Carmen week, crazy.)

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I was never one of those users that had a new hyperfixation like, by the day, "Jeantonio 4 life man"

Which is funny,

Okay I'll get on with it Rajbow (Raj and Bowie) is cool guys.

I love Rajbow so much man..

It's like ... it's like Terry McGurin watched Carmen SanDiego and then implemented Jeantonio onto Total Drama Island.

I will go on and on about them like..

Like look at them!!

Look.

Goofy Goobers times 2x man..

I didn't even mention Wayne man..Wayne!!!

I will put each of them in my pocket..each!

It's a brainrot.. man..

Will I be making remarks about my hating Bowie? No!

Le Chèvre got them because I hated him but now I don't because I forgot my reason,

or I just made him too fem queen in my head..

I love Bowie man..

And Raj..

And Wayne..

Platonic Raynebow 4 life man..

--------------------------------------------------

I forgot the majority of the stuff I came here to say, so I'll just say what I remember, and leave you guys to forget this,

-I'm going to delete a lot of my old posts most likely this weekend, they were very cringe man, understand where I'm coming from...

-Thetalkwithaveaclock isn't coming back, it's getting killed off. But then again nobody cared or knew what it was,

- Posting won't be something you'll be getting in every 56 seconds, it's more like every 56 days or something..I either just don't want to come back to Tumblr or its school man..

-----------------------------------------------

Yeah, that's pretty much it..I forgot a lot of what I was going to say to you guys, okay..uh..

Anyways,

Bye Bye..CS nation?.. I'm guessing the majority of this will be read by CS nation..

- cassandra

#i was not being serious with this man #carmen sandeigo netflix #total drama

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kafus · 4 months

Note

i would super love to hear another cool pokemon story if there's one you wanna share!! literally anything; all your pokemon posts are so interesting and engaging to read ♡ also!!! i hope you're doing well and finding reason to smile each day

ogh THANK U i hope ur doing well as well

one of these days i might run out of stories 😭 BUT i don’t think i’ve talked about the pokemon competition i went to when i was around 8 years old??? and i’ve been thinking about that recently so why not

i’ve talked before about how my interest in pokemon as a young person was defined by loneliness/isolation and how i never really had the social pokemon experience that most people did, so the few times i actually got to interact with other people over the shared interest stick out very strongly in my brain. in particular when i was i Think 8 years old, there used to be a small family-owned video game store in my town (it shut down a long time ago unfortunately, i miss it) and they ran events sometimes. i managed to find out they were running a singles competition in pokemon battle revolution, and my mom actually agreed to taking me

it’s important to keep in mind that i was like 8 and i didn’t know shit about competitive battling. i loved sinnoh and had pokemon i thought were strong but at this time i didn’t even know natures affected stats. i was an inexperienced little girl and i just brought my team of in-game guys that i liked. amusingly i was the only girl there, i just remember walking in and being surrounded by boys LOL both my age and older, like there were some older teens and maaaybe adults idk

anyway all things considered i actually got decently far because competitive mons was much more niche back then and no one knew what they were doing LMAO. i was mostly pitting my in-game mons against other kids’ in-game mons. i knew type matchups by heart and had some pretty decent pokemon to my memory - i don’t remember my entire team but i know i had torterra and articuno at least (articuno was one of my favorite pokemon at the time)

eventually i was… like… idk right before semi finals? i wasn’t quite in the top 4, i think i was in the top 8? i went up against an older boy who actually knew what he was doing and had a genuine competitive team. i’m not sure how old he actually was, at the time anyone above the age of 13 looked like an adult to me lol, i’m guessing in retrospect he was 17 or something. he THOROUGHLY kicked my ass with fucking BLISSEY TOXIC STALL lmao. at the time i was dumbfounded at how his blissey just took no fucking damage and it’s really funny being able to understand what happened in retrospect, i kept bringing my special attackers not being aware of blissey’s extremely lopsided defensive stats.

you’d think i would have been upset about losing but i was moreso really impressed with this guy’s blissey, and then smth i’ll never forget, after i lost he shook my hand and looked at me in the eyes and said that i did a good job and that i should keep playing pokemon because he thinks from the way that i played that i had a lot of potential. i was literally over the moon, it meant so much to be acknowledged with full seriousness by someone so much older than me who also lest we forget literally just beat my ass with toxic stall lol. having my interest in pokemon validated and being told i was good at it just made my entire week. or month. or year tbh.

nowadays that i’m a ribbon master mod and going to my first regionals next month, i think about that guy a lot. perhaps i was a late bloomer but i think whatever he saw in me was real. not that i’m the best pokemon player ever or something, and i’m certainly still learning a lot about vgc in particular, but like. yeah i do really care about this game and i think i have the potential to be good at it. and it was prophesized long agodjdjdk

always be nice to kids cause small gestures like that can stick with someone for the rest of their life tbh

#kiki was here #asks #kira-kira-kitty #pokemon #dppt #pbr

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mothmage · 14 days

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20 Qs for fic writers

Tagged by @monstersinthecosmos , thank you!!!

1. How many works do you have on A03? 31 (and a few anon, i think 2 or 3. idk, when i post a fic on anon i forget about it forever)

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 446,135

3. What fandoms do you write for? currently/primarily vc, iwtv (amc), star wars, and merlin (bbc)!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? A Lovely Little Normal Life (which, honestly, kind of annoys me lol. i know it's just bc it's a huge fandom, but really? the stupid little 12k harry potter fic i wrote in two days is my most kudos? please...); Arthur Pendragon, Long May She Reign (forever pushing my lesbian genderswap agenda); The Face of God (les mis slightly canon divergent javert character study); The Odyssey of Recollection (amc iwtv s1 pov armand); Away From Stranger Tides (potc philip/syrena fic i started ages ago and never finished, lol)

5. Do you respond to comments? yes i love talking to people in comments!!!! i've made a lot of friends through comments!!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? omg. umm. merthur fans don't know this yet bc i havent finished posting but it's arthur pendragon long may she reign (BUT it's part of a series, so it's literally fine). idk, i dont tend to write long fics that end angsty. but my angstiest fic in general is probably Hollow-Boned Boy (armand contemplating his human life in the early CoD era) or Vision of the Damned (daniel's turning from armand's pov)

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i love a happy ending!! my series Odysseus in White Silk is probably the happiest ending, and in such an undeserved way hahaha it's so very AU because i was sad after s1 of the show and just wanted them all (and armandaniel) to live happily ever after

8. Do you get hate on fics? i dont think i ever have, but i tend to read comments in good faith too, so maybe someone out there is annoyed that i interpreted their vague dislike comment as a genuine comment or something, idk. in general though, i'll say no

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? yes but i dont post that often, idk if there's a particular kind, but generally it tends to be a little rougher than is probably appropriate without discussion in real-life situations, but also very...idk my friend described it as very tender, like theyre very clearly in love. which is so funny considering that that kind of tenderness irl gives me fucking hives lmfao

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? oh wow, not in a long time. i do have a wip sitting around rn that's a crossover between london spy and cloud atlas, which is really crazy until you remember that ben whishaw is in both london spy and the cloud atlas movie lol. and cloud atlas is already about weird reincarnations and parallel worlds and stuff, so it isnt too out-there.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i dont think so!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? yes!! The Face of God was translated into Korean by ao3 user Crescent919 !! i've had a few comments on other fics asking to translate for personal use (always yes, of course), but no one else has asked to share a translation publicly

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? no!! i've been thinking about it lately though

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? all-time? probably merlin/arthur from merlin (bbc). it's the whole fate-destiny-choice thing, it just compels me like nothing else

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? hmmm, i would like to finish Roswell -- well, kinda (agent carter farm girl / alien crash landing au) because i still have all the original notes and outlines and stuff. i also made a shitty conlang when i was first writing it, which is crazy lol. but it would need some pretty serious revisions, and i would definitely rewrite the first few chapters that i posted years ago. i just kind of lost the agent carter bug, but i might return to that fic if i ever get in the mood for it again.

16. What are your writing strengths? ooh, i'm not really sure! i get a lot of comments mentioning characters' voices and/or personalities, so i would say maybe that!!! i also feel that i'm fairly good at mimicking an author's writing style when i want to (notably, i do not mimic anne rice when writing vc fic, lol)

17. What are your writing weaknesses? editing for sure. i have at least a hundred fics sitting on my hard drive fully or almost-fully written that i just need to edit. but i would simply rather die than do all of that. it's also why my whole merlin fic got put on pause while i went down the vc rabbithole, because i just can't bring myself to go edit the next chapters lol

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? hmm, i think it's usually unnecessary and comes off as a bit silly. that said, i did do it once (maybe excessively) in Daniel Molloy, Time Bandit (1984 daniel ends up in 1794 theatre des vampires, it's more of a character study than a time travel fic) BUT, let me defend myself -- i did it because daniel doesnt understand french, it's his pov, and he's incredibly confused and distraught for most of the fic. i felt like the dialogue being in french conveyed this sort of "daniel does not belong in this time/place" vibes. but, also, my french is...a little rough. so i'm sure it's an annoying fic for french readers lmao

19. First fandom you wrote for? warriors cats, a million years ago hahahah

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? ok, i have three different answers for this. the fic i think is the best, objectively, in terms of writing and content: The Story of Dani [...] (r63 devil's minion from armand's pov, starting with lestat's house). the fic i am the proudest of, mostly because it was my first "big" fic (it's funny now, bc it's only 41k) and i feel like i grew a lot as a writer while working on it, and i'm still happy with it: The Face of God (les mis pov javert, character study from childhood). the fic i have the most fun with and think about almost 24/7: Arthur Pendragon, Long May She Reign (r63 merthur, canon divergence, this is like a 4-part series that's currently over 300k lmao)

no-pressure tagging: @aunteat @leslutdepointedulac @butchybats @graygiantess and anyone else who wants to!!

#THANK YOU THIS WAS SO FUN #ask game #kind of lol

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otterandterrier · 6 months

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20 fanfic questions

Took this from @displayheartcode! You tagged me for a different one but I don't even remember what the last sentence I wrote was, so 😅

How many works do you have on AO3?

110

2. What's your total AO3 words count?

367,678

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Star Wars, but used to write for Harry Potter.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

One look and my heartbeat stops (Han/Leia, 197) Hungry hearts (Han/Leia, 194) And I saw sparks (Ron/Hermione, 189) Ignite my circuits and start a flame (Han/Leia, 162) Left unsaid (Ron/Hermione, 148)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Because not everybody who reads leaves a comment (or even kudos), so I like letting that person know that I appreciate the extra effort, and I love interaction as part of the fandom experience.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

For SW, this chapter of Hungry Hearts I think?? For HP, unquestionably, And they put a wreath of flowers over his head

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

God most of my fics have sappy endings lol, how can I even choose.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I did when I still posted on FFN, Home of Trolls.

9. Do you write smut. If so what kind?

Yes I most certainly do! Generally, explicit and spicy and full of feelings. Probably still vanilla for some standards? 😅

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I don't! And I don't think I ever will.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I've had my fics reposted on archives I didn't authorize, although with attribution. Properly stolen, I don't think so.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I had two Ron/Hermione fics translated to Chinese!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Nope! Maybe one day?

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Well I have to say Han/Leia don't I

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I refuse to give up on WIPs. That said, I started a H/L honeymoon fic years ago that I might never finish because it had no plot just vibes. It might get repurposed for another fic.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I honestly don't know, not as in I think my writing sucks, I just can't pick anything specific? Okay, I guess I think I do a good job at getting into a character's mindset and exploring their thoughts and feelings?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I write sooo slowly. I'm incapable of writing a "shitty first draft"; I need to get my ideas down as closely as possible to the way I want them to on the first try. It's not because I need it to be perfect, it's just that if I write something down differently then I think I'll forget the way I wanted to do it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I mean, I am writing everything in another language already lol. But pretending I'm not... I think as long as it's genuinely respectful and researched, go for it!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

That's like asking about your favourite child (yes I know that's a cliche, but really). Also, I have a terrible memory and don't reread my fics often. Some of my faves are Under starless skies we are lost, keep with me forward (all through the night) and Homecoming.

Tagging a few writer friends, if you want to do it! @lajulie24 @walkawaytallblogs @diplomaticprincess @madame-alexandra @virtie333

#fanfic asks #fanfic questions #fanfic game #writing #about me

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bigyikes97 · 9 months

Text

having a whole childhood healing moment after RE: Death Island

I started gaming when I was 6, and quickly found that if you were able to find a girl among the roster of guys she probably looked like this

anyway

I'll never forget playing 007: Nightfire (PS2 certified greatest hits) at the tender age of 7. Dominique, the sexy agent in the black dress who was a friend and co-worker of Bond, was discovered and thrown off a roof to her death. Bond escapes by rappelling through a window, rolls, gets up--and smirks at the camera in a crescendo of theme music. The impact of his friend and lover's death lasted 0.5 seconds and he found a new sexy agent by the next chapter.

seeing on-screen women constantly portrayed as disposable, hypersexualized, incompetent and infantile embittered me towards women and my own female identity. Over past few years I've been avidly identifying and rejecting that media image as a harmful construct of the patriarchy and empowering myself to live proudly in my own skin, love myself and my identity and embrace my strengths without allowing that toxic set of characteristics hold any more power in my life. I'm so much healthier and happier!

SO...

Resident Evil. Jill Valentine. I had long ago given up hope to find a heroine who resonated like a real human, who I could really feel as an avatar, and who filled her role competently in her own right without being defined by romance or lust. I expected some OG RE:4 type shenanigans...and I was wrong. Jill, Claire, and Rebecca were all competent, confident, skilled, non-sexualized women that I wish I'd seen in my childhood. They aren't paid lip service and then privately put down for not being 'roided up tanks; they aren't subject to dehumanizing double entendres, and they don't have to "out-man" the men in everything from strength to vulgarity to be acknowledged. They're dressed in normal clothes and are genuinely valued, respected and even cared for simply because they're characters in their own right!

OMG, the HEALING!!!! I can't even express all my joy. I love seeing Leon and Chris, who could've been made out to be dudebros a la OG RE4 or RE6, instead be respectful and deeply caring. They don't even bring it up as an issue or broadcast it like it's some big deal--it's simply expected! I'll cry with joy, really. Not just one--but three! Three women who feel like women--three women working alongside their teammates in egalitarian harmony so pervasive it's taken as the norm! I'm ecstatic!

And--Jill went out on her own!! Running on her mission! A fully-fledged protagonist! A human with the full faith of her team on her shoulders! "Why are you so calm?" "We have Jill." Goosebumps!! Yes, it's a silly movie about shark zombies, but it meant SO much to me omg. It really did <3 Real healing moment, I've been on cloud 9 all day!

#resident evil #resident evil death island #personal #rant #childhood #long post

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tehloserprince · 3 months

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I was tagged by @santacoppelia - thank you! 🥺🧡

1. were you named after anyone? Michael Jordan, ha ha. No, really, my mom's a huge fan. She's followed his career ever since his UNC days. I love telling people that's how I got my name. For the record, although I have an obligatory fondness for my hometown team and a nostalgic love for the Bulls in their Jordan Era, I'm currently a Bucks fan.

2. when was the last time you cried? It's really difficult for me to cry. It's such a relief at times, tho. I cried a few weeks ago, when I realized my special needs dog was having some epilepsy-related issues. I've mostly accepted that I'll probably never see him with a grey muzzle, but I really hope we can share more time together. There are still so many things I want to show him.

3. do you have kids? Nope. Sorta did, once, but I don't really talk about that much. It was a good experience, and I still love/think about her. But my kids are all the critter variety these days ;) I enjoy hanging out with my friends' kids, but they're all growing up too quickly :/ What even is time

4. what sports do you play/have you played? I never really played anything professionally, but I liked soccer, basketball, and running when I was younger. I got into boxing and Muay Thai when I was a little older, and also did a lot of hiking. Unfortunately I'm crippled, so I'm limited in what I can/should do. I try to go on lots of walks with my pup and swim whenever I can. Sometimes I still wrap my hands and hit the bag, which is fun.

5. do you use sarcasm? No, never. (/s obvs)

6. what's the first thing you notice about people? The way they treat other people - especially the most vulnerable - and animals. Physically, eyes and smile. I'm more impressed by people who can be genuinely kind without ulterior motivation.

7. what's your eye color? Hazel.

8. scary movies or happy endings? Depends on my mood! In terms of scary films, gore feels lazy and boring to me. I need a film to get inside my head in order to be scary. But I'm a sucker for happy endings too, which is a lot of projection on my part, ha ha.

9. any talents? Err. Uh. Writing, I guess? Remembering a lot of random info? Friends are consistently surprised that I'll remember so many little details, especially if it's like ... me surprising them with something they mentioned liking at some point. Funny enough, I'll frequently forget why I walked into a room these days, but I'm glad some parts of my memory still excel! I'm also told that I'm extremely patient, if that counts as a talent.

10. where were you born? Charlotte, NC.

11. what are your hobbies? Writing, reading, watching movies and television shows (mostly with the BFF), random crafts, DIY home improvement stuff (I painted my entire house despite my health worsening over the years and I'm very proud of that), canine behavior/training, and playing video games. I don't have as much time for games, but I still enjoy it. Started a new game of Red Dead Redemption 2 this winter, and I've been spending hours just roaming the land with my horse.

12. do you have any pets? Ha, yes! I do a lot of animal rescue and have some life goals related to that, so hopefully I'll always be surrounded by critters. My beloved dog (Skippyjon) passed away in 2022 (old age and CHF). I had a cockatiel for 21 years - a birthday present when I turned 8. We basically grew up together, and the house is still way too quiet without him. I had other dogs (Smokey and Locke), and a lot of fish. In college, I had an "illegal" hamster, Kai (Kaizoku). He was fat and wonderful. I chose him because he squeezed past his siblings, sat in their food dish, and started shoving food in his mouth. King behavior tbh. I had a rat named Stevie in my late 20s. Currently, I have a deaf special needs dog (Oscar aka Ozzy), a cat that I hand-raised because she was found abandoned shortly after birth (Swayze), and a rabbit (Shasta aka Bad Bunny). At some point, I decided that all my rabbits would be named after soda brands, ha.

13. how tall are you? About 5'10".

14. favorite subject in school? Literature, Spanish, Philosophy, sometimes History, Classical Studies, Art. Anything that wasn't math, because I always struggled with that.

15. dream job? If I could make a living off of writing and spend a lot of my time doing animal rescue, I'd be content. Even if I was wealthy, I'd ultimately pursue a simple, cozy life without a lot of fanfare. I'd love to have more money to invest in animal rescue and local community welfare (kids should always have basic necessities imo). Maybe someday ...

Tagging anyone who feels like doing this! Feel free to reblog or tag me if you wanna let me know that you did it. Thanks, this was fun :3

#tagged #santacoppelia #about me #shut up j

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yesterdayiwrote · 1 year

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I was tagged by @pitstopwontstop which, ngl, made me happier than it probably should have because I never get tagged to take part in these things so genuinely thank you! 💜

Rules: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

Last Song: I’ve been listening to loads of 90s music again recently because I feel like I’m having a bit of a musical midlife crisis, but the song I’ve been listening too LOADS recently is I Do This All The Time by Self Esteem. I love her stuff and her attitude and I just love her and her lyrics are sublime 😍

Last Show: I don’t know what context of show we’re talking here, like Live Show it was probably Queen & Adam Lambert last summer (finally!) because I’m absolutely terrible at organising things to go to and organising myself to get tickets before they sell out 😩

Currently Watching: Taskmaster UK because it’s such a great series, I’m genuinely looking forward to it each week this time, and I’ve also been binging Bob’s Burgers again but I’m doing it at night so keep falling asleep and missing loads. I haven’t really got a streaming show on the go at the moment though because I’ve been struggling getting in to things recently for some reason. I’m very excited for new Black Mirror though!

Currently Reading: The Bullet that Missed by Richard Osman, but I’m reading it slooooowly. I read the other books in the series and they’re great but I keep getting distracted and forgetting to sit down and read this one which I need to fix. I’ve become something of a holiday reader and I need to get back into reading properly somehow.

Current Obsession: I started replaying Super Mario Odyssey from the start on the Switch again so that’s partly responsible for the distractions mentioned above. Finished the story in about 4 days but it’s going back to get the other stuff that takes time and I’m not the most skilled gamer. I’m a bit at sea with my other obsessions though. I’m still in on F1, but not as obsessively as I was a year ago or so? I actually have been enjoying FE more the last few races but I get more drawn in by the circus surrounding F1.

Tagging: @foul-milk @bigcityduckf1 @grbambi63 @lauda4theback @recidivae @blimeycrikeygeorge @103grandprixwinnerlewishamilton …. idk who’s already been tagged but anyone who wants to do it I guess!

#tag game

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demadogs · 2 years

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If the Duffers aren't lying their ass off about forgetting Will's birthday, then why do "sorry I forgot your birthday" cards appear in Will's room two seasons in a row? They went to all the bother of adding this detail as set dressing, even though it was never mentioned, but they couldn't be assed to check their own wiki before airing s4? That really makes sense to you? Plus all the birthday and forgetting references this season. I know you hate the idea, but the evidence for them lying is there

its a coincidence. the casual viewers who just watched season 4 when it came out and dont follow up with any fandom or what the cast or the duffers say probably didnt even notice that it was his birthday. if it was intentional they wouldve made it clear to the audience. if they randomly whipped that out of nowhere in volume two those people would be so confused. it would genuinely be terrible writing, not just because i love the character and dont want people to forget his birthday, but because if they wanted us to feel bad for will they would have made sure we were in the know of the situation?

also thatd be such a weird and unnecessary thing to lie about. his birthday is directly stated that its march 22nd and the show directly states that it opens on march 21st. its not some “big real” that its his birthday the next day. we literally know it is. so the duffers would have no reason to be all sneaky about it. its already canon information.

they explained that theyre gonna change the birthday and they talked about how someone sent them a list of all the important dates theyve ever mentioned so something like this doesnt happen again. again, very unnecessary thing to lie about.

i also dont think the duffers, or any tv writers for that matter, would just straight up lie and say the opposite of whats gonna happen in the plot. if theyre asked about something they cant reveal theyd say they cant spoil it or give a vague answer that can be interpreted in different ways. not just say the exact opposite of whats gonna happen. theyd never be like “yeah mlvns endgame” only to reveal that its byler. or say that a certain character doesnt die when they actually do.

they wrote season 2 six years ago and its just a single line in the show that says the date. its not like it was an entire birthday party or something it was one line. they were probably way more concerned about avoiding plotholes with all the upside down and hawkins storyline. this season had so many references to the first season. they made sure they maintained continuity with the entire supernatural plot, which is way more import tbh, that they werent thinking about birthdays or any other minor character traits like that. it completely makes sense that they forgot.

#why am i the only person who was so happy it was just a continuity error #hasnt he suffered enough #you really think joyce byers-mom of the fucking century- would forget her kids birthday who she almost lost twice #stranger things #byler tumblr #eden answers

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avrelia · 2 years

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Into Every Generation a Slayer is Born

I finished the book Into Every Generation a Slayer is Born by Evan Ross Katz. A month ago, and I did a twitter thread review of it, since a lot of my Buffy friends are over there and not here, and now I collected it all here for myself and people of DW. :)

It is an easy read that covered a lot of ground fast but not particularly deep. I got in for the new interviews with the cast and crew, and the interviews were delivered. I could do without opinions on quality of the last seasons and continuous sniping at Marty Noxon, but well… The time for the perfect book shall come one day.

1) Best new tidbit of information: Antony Stewart Head played Giles as a mix of Prince Charles and Alan Rickman’s Sheriff of Nottingham. This already is worth the price of the book.

2) Best duh moment – Cynthia Erivo telling her understanding of Anya reflecting an experience of an immigrant. The most surprising part was why didn’t I pick up on it before, as I was watching and connecting with Anya twenty years ago.

3) the best interview was with SMG. The author is her biggest fan, and she comes off really great there. Of course she is also frank, respectful, sweet and supportive of all the people she worked with, and very appreciative and proud of Buffy’s legacy.

4) the weirdest interview was with Nicholas Brendon. It is understandable, given his unhappy trajectory over the years. And I was glad to read his warm words about CC and SMG, but I also didn’t really care about his latest feud with DB. Overall, it was really sad to read, the whole story of NB, but it definitely added to the whole perspective.

5) the most emotional interview turned out to be with Cynthia Bergstorm, the costume designer for seasons 2-6. Reading her account on the atmosphere on set before she left I almost cried. No, not tears of joy. More like tears of anger

6) the most notable interviews we didn’t get were with AH and Michele Trachtenberg, as they were planned then canceled after February 2021, following the newest wave of conversation about Joss. I understand their reluctance to discuss it at the time.

7) Out of the writers we saw Doug Petrie, Jane Espenson and Drew Z. Greenberg. Marty Noxon didn’t answer the requests and for some reason the author was really mean about it several times and it was really annoying to read.

I was quite happy to see also interviews with Amber Benson, Emma Caulfield, CC, Julie Benz, Mark Blucas, Danny Strong, Seth Green, Tom Lenk, JM, ASH, Bianca Lawson, . Am I forgetting anyone of the cast?

There were no any profound revelations, after all I’ve been a fan for twenty years (soon – yay!) and generally had an idea how it came to be, but the picture became clearer and more detailed. From the history, to the process, and the behind the scene stuff

The interviewees rarely got into any details, and never shared anything lurid or scandalous, but I got the following picture: it started with them being very young and mostly inexperienced. JW was a writer, but had no idea how to run a tv show or direct episodes. And if he successfully managed to do later, the former proved to be problematic.

One of the details everybody talks about is their insane working hours: an average workday during the filming season was 18-20 hours, which is genuinely crazy even if you don’t take into account all the makeup, fight rehearsals, and expected precision in delivering dialogue.

The Beloved Buffy-speak is literally Joss speak. Joss speaks more or less like this and all his characters speak like this, and all his writers write like this and if not he changed the lines to be more like this and the actors had to say lines precisely, re-doing the takes until they manage.

They started a one small happy family, then as the show’s popularity grew, as they had more money, fame and pressure, they become “middle school with more money” according to Mark Blucas, then really, really tired group by the end of the series.

The blame for growing toxic atmosphere on set all the interviewee put on being young, overworked and “someone” on top constantly stirring s*** up and pitting the actresses against each other. (some interviews were done before Feb.2021 and the latest round of allegations)

This story, told by Emma Caulfield is very representative. I'll just add it all here

Mark Blucas, btw, gave a very sweet interview, where he several times apologized for having caused problems for cast and crew due to be totally new to acting and having no clue what he was doing and, of course, praised SMG for being very patient and very helpful

I need to finish the write-up, I guess. So, a month after finishing the book I have to say that it was a fun read, fast, not very engaging. It confirmed what I, as an old fan new or guessed, or explained details that made me go “Duh!” - of course, they were young, mostly inexperienced and over-tired.

Of course, JW was messing up. I mean, I wasn’t even very deep into details, but I always knew that the cast was divided into “favorites” and “not favorites”. I didn’t really think that it was an intentional division, that JW created and exploited, but apparently it was. Oh, well. I was happy to know that the actresses mostly reconciled by now.

And the most pleasant part of the book was SMG – both her own interview with an author, and what everyone said about her. I remember, in my early days in the fandom there was a strong anti-SMG streak, where by calling her “professional” people meant she was cold, unfeeling and un-fun.

Whereas it actually meant she cared about cast and crew and doing her job without wasting everyone’s time (remember those crazy hours!) and without creating extra problems for her colleges. She helped her cast-mates, she helped the crew, she worked a lot, she wasn’t always right, but who was?

So, anyway. That was not a definitive book by all means, but an ok one. There are more books to be written, about Buffy, and the fandom, and all the ways it is still changing our lives. I personally want more books on Buffy fandom.

#evan ross katz #buffy the vampire slayer #buffy history #joss whedon #sarah michelle gellar #emma caulfield #mark blucas #Cynthia Bergstorm #cynthia erivo #nicholas brendon #anthony stewart head #book review

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