#also means getting confronted with how much you haven't been able to do

[greppelheks]

mourning again

#god DAMN when will the mourning end #the thing about being in a good place and doing things again #also means getting confronted with how much you haven't been able to do #personal #I can't help but feel jealous of all of my coworkers kids #who are just able to study and go to college for four years and have the college experience #because their parents are paying for it #like i never had that experience and now ill never be able to get it again #and if i want to study i dont even know if its possible cause i need to have a certsin amount of income to pay my bills #and thats hard when you need to do internships or only get a low income because youre still a student

[old-school-butch]

Hello again <3

I sent you an anon that you replied to on April 1st, which was me asking how ex-TIFs are received back into womanhood. Your reply gave me a little foothold which ended up very comforting as I started coming out rapid-fire to all my friends as detrans. this is primarily a message for other people in my situation, who are afraid and might want a template of what you might expect will happen once you do come out with it.

Predictably, most of my friends dropped me; I've 3 friends left. Two of which continue to support trans people but can accept that i have different opinions (as long as i'm "not mean") and one of which has seen the gender critical arguments, accepted them, and agrees. So, heavy losses, but not total losses. My two siblings seemed to sigh in relief and reveal that they never believed in genderism at all, which is odd, because in my 10 years of being trans not one of them challenged me on it. my mom fell into heavy guilt over "letting me" do all this, although i was 18 when i took testo and 19 when i got surgery, so she really could not have stopped me, legally. i suppose she mainly grieves knowing that had she had the right arguments she could have saved her kid this, but i've told her she is not to blame and i hope she recognizes that.

i haven't received any real harassment, not from anyone that i PERSONALLY know, though my family has received... harassment targeted at me? my sister had a classmate begin sending her copious pro-trans propaganda (contrapoints videos) which she instructed should be sent onward to me (sis did not comply). hilarious how my 10 years of direct experience is suddenly null and void and i'm assumed to know nothing about transness.... 6 months ago i was helping people sensitivity-write trans characters. now, i'm told i can't speak for the trans experience at all, and that i do not know what it's like to be a transmasc person. told that i need to listen to the arguments more carefully, that i don't LISTEN, when i literally lived this for 10 whole years. girl, on god? they tell me i don't get it and need to educate myself. and have empathy of course.

but in general, detransing, i've discovered that there are PLENTY of people who do not actually believe in genderism but who will play along simply out of fear or social pressure. my friends aside, who i knew through "queer" circles, everyone in my family (expect my mom) has revealed they never actually believed in it. i think this might contribute to why trans people bully dissenters so badly. they know this is the truth, that no one really buys it. i think, subconsciously, i have known that too. i never downloaded grindr, i never went into the men's bathrooms. i knew that despite testo and surgery and pronouns i could never challenge men as an equal in their eyes.

interestingly, making new friends is not that hard. I lead with the fact i'm detrans and "don't believe in all that shit" and people are VERY eager to be able to, suddenly, voice their real opinions without being called transphobic. they begin with probing questions, uncontroversial statements like "i agree they shouldn't put males in women's sports..." but if you continue to agree and not punish this daring on their part, they will reveal, with much relief and enthusiasm, what they really think. most people, normal people, really do not believe it all? i'm a brash person and can take irl confrontations quite well, hence i feel safe putting myself up as a transphobe off the bat. and people are very into this. so. the old ass saying, just be yourself.... normal people will not volunteer anti-genderist opinions on their own but when i continue to state thing after thing they open up and agree and eventually feel safe enough to admit their own thoughts. making friends, especially with non-gendie women, hasn't been that hard.

i'm going to write another message about same-sex attraction in the genderverse, but it's also a can of worms so i will make it separate from this one. again, thank you so much, for having anon on and listening, and letting us listen to each other without fear. i would hug you. to be continued

Thanks for the follow up!

My only comment is that I think most people play along out of kindness, it's not all bullying and fear, but that does impose a silence on everyone so everyone feels quite alone with their doubts.

[ruggiezz]

— TAKE IT SLOW : twisted wonderland

[synopsis] you confide them about you self-harming and your scars - hurt /comfort

[characters] riddle, ruggie, kalim (part 1) / azul, floyd, jade (part 2) / jamil, silver (part 3)

[warnings] please do not read if this is a sensitive topic for you, this is meant to be for comfort, but it does mention blades, blood and scars that haven't healed yet

[extra] sorry if i haven't posted much lately, i'll try my best to keep posting regularly, i just haven't been feeling my best lately. i'll post another request later this month and the rest of the parts

★ RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

He found out when he caught a glance at your scars. You were at Heartslabyul helping out with the preparations at an unbirthday party, and he happened to be nearby when he spotted them. Riddle immediately panics, thinking you were hurt by someone else in NRC.

Grabs you by the hand and takes you away to a secluded area, demanding an explanation. Don't get him wrong; he isn't angry at you; he's angry at whoever did this to you, telling you they will pay for hurting you.

Doesn't know what to say when you tell him about why those scars are there in the first place. He certainly wasn't expecting this, and he has never met anybody who did this either. When you start crying over his silence, he panics and hugs you, assuring you he isn't angry at you. Riddle feels awful; he doesn't know what to say, so he just hugs you while you pour your heart out. He held you by the hand for the rest of the unbirthday party, not leaving your side.

Riddle starts reading a lot of information about why this happened in the first place, wanting you to seek help. He spends a lot of time in the library researching and stays up reading websites offering advice.

He snaps at Ace when he makes fun of you (even if it's in a non-serious way), he gets really protective, wanting you to not feel alone. He also texts more now, asking you how you're feeling and checking up on you.

★ RUGGIE BUCCHI

He was staying the night in Ramshackle when you told him to wait for you a bit, since you needed to go to the bathroom. Ruggie didn't mean to snoop around, he swears, but he checked your bedside table's drawers to see if you kept a snack or something he could eat since he was hungry. He was expecting to find something like cookies or maybe a book you borrowed from the library, but he found a couple of blades and tissues with dried blood.

Ruggie immediately closes the drawer, freaking out over what he finds. He knows what's going on now; he can't find another reasonable explanation. He doesn't know how to confront you now; he feels guilty that he wasn't able to notice before. He's supposed to be dating you; how didn't he see this coming?

He finds the courage to ask you when you come out of the bathroom. You ask him why he looks pale and has his ears flattened, and he decides to make you sit down and then ask.

He tries his hardest not to cry when he sees the scars, but you tell him they are healed, so it isn't recent. Ruggie caresses them with his fingers, so you can feel a little comfort. He hugs you when you cry and doesn't leave your side until you feel a little bit better.

Since then, he has made sure to take time out of his scheduled duties to check on you. He also got rid of the blades or anything sharp, tossing them in the trash. He starts saving money to take you to a therapist on Sage's Island, but if you don't want to go, he won't force you either, but he's worried. Ruggie tells you to come to him if you feel bad, so he can lend an ear and comfort you. He's your boyfriend after all; he's meant to be with you in good and bad, he says.

★ KALIM AL-ASIM

Kalim texted you, asking you to come to Scarabia. He had a big surprise for you that he had been dying to show you the whole week.

He almost tackled you to the ground with all of the excitement he felt as he led you to his room. You were sitting on his bed, hugging one of his pillows that had those expensive silk covers, when he pulled an expensive outfit out of his closet that he bought for you.

Kalim gave it to you, bouncing on his toes, waiting for you to try it on. You looked at it for a while in silence, and he noticed your sad expression and asked what was wrong. Did he get the wrong size? Did you not like it?

You start crying while you tell him that you can't wear it because it shows your scars, and you show him what you meant. Kalim feels like his whole world came crashing down right at that moment. He cries when you tell him; he can't imagine how much pain you must have felt for you to recur to self-harm, and he hugs you while apologizing for not realizing before. You assure him it wasn't his fault, but he still kisses your tears away.

If he acted very clingy before, he is even more clingy now. He doesn't want you to feel unloved and wishes you knew how much you meant to him. Kalim asks you to please text him when you feel like hurting yourself so he can be there for you and distract you.

#twisted wonderland x reader #twisted wonderland #kalim al-asim x reader #kalim x reader #riddle rosehearts x reader #riddle x reader #ruggie bucchi x reader #ruggie x reader #twst x reader #twst

[misc-obeyme]

With an extremely lazy mc, that can be worse than belphegor in that aspect yet is always on top of what they need to do.

Homework? Finished, Chores? Done, Pranks? Happened. Yet they haven't seemed to move from their spot in the last 7 hours.

It's later revealed that it's just them using magic but entertaining nonetheless

Hi there, anon!

This was fun to write, I have to say. I mean, if I could just use magic to get everything done, I absolutely would.

Thanks for the request!

brothers reaction to lazy GN!MC who gets everything done with magic

Warnings: none!

Lucifer

Previously thought there was no way anyone could be lazier than Belphie… but he's surprised by how close you get. At first he's annoyed, but then you somehow get everything done anyway? And then he's just confused.

Confused… but also suspicious. How are you doing that, MC? He wants to lecture you so bad, but he can't since you actually do everything you need to do. Secretly a little worked up about it, but he's trying to keep his cool.

That essay he knew was due for your class tomorrow isn't just finished, it's well written, too. The dishes it was your turn to do are all washed and put away. And yet you haven't moved for hours.

Figures it out when he falls for one of your pranks. Because he can see how the prank was done with magic. Confronts you about it directly. Go ahead and pretend you don't know what he's talking about. It'll drive him crazy, especially since you haven't actually done anything wrong and he can't actually prove that prank was yours.

Mammon

Amazed. He's just shocked that you're able to do everything while actually doing nothing. How is it that all your homework and chores are done when you haven't moved?! What is going on here?

Asks you to teach him your ways even before he knows you're just using magic. He's imagining a life of never having to do homework or chores ever again. He'd be able to spend all his time partying or finding a way to rake in the Grimm. Ya gotta show him how ya do that, MC!

Mammon is in awe of all your perfectly executed pranks, too. Doesn't even mind if he falls victim to one considering how good they always are.

Doesn't figure it out. He'll only know you were using magic the whole time if someone tells him. If you tell him yourself, he'll pretend he knew all along. Now teach him all those spells.

Leviathan

He's amazed, but he's also suspicious. There's no way you're able to stay on top of everything like that. You can sit with him and play video games all night while your homework somehow still gets done. Something is up with that.

Doesn't care too much, though, so he doesn't try to figure out what's going on. Your ability to do your homework and chores isn't his concern. Let Lucifer worry about it.

He's just happy that you have more than enough time to spend with him, watching anime or reading manga or playing video games, etc. Let's be real, Levi has different priorities.

Only figures it out when he asks you to help him clean his room, which has gotten a little cluttered. You proceed to assist with magic and that's when it clicks. Of course! Everyone knows what a good sorcerer you are, MC! He can't believe he didn't realize it sooner!

Satan

It doesn't really register at first. He just knows that you're very efficient at getting things done without being busy at all. Assumes you have a strict time management style to keep yourself on track. That's certainly the most logical explanation, right?

Eventually realizes that you are in fact quite lazy, though. The fact that you haven't left the couch in hours makes him a little antsy. Don't you have things to do, MC?

Make him really crazy by just smiling and saying you've already done everything you needed to do that day. Tell him all about whatever homework, chores, and pranks you've done in the time you've been sitting on the couch.

He does figure you out pretty quickly, though. Satan is smart and he can tell that you're doing magic over there, even if nobody else seems to realize it. He's impressed. Why shouldn't you use magic to accomplish everything? Your skill as a sorcerer allows you to do it, so why not?

Asmodeus

Complains about how lazy you are. He doesn't care about your homework, chores, or pranks. But MC, you really should be more diligent about your skin care routine. Do you even use the products he gave you?

Show him your half empty product bottles and watch his expression go from surprised to happy to confused. He's thrilled that you're actually using what he gave you, but… when? How? He's never actually seen you use them?

Keep your secrets, Asmo likes how mysterious you are. Always sitting around, always doing nothing, and yet everything is somehow still done. How interesting! You're like a little puzzle he needs to work out.

He does, eventually. He really wants to make sure you're doing what you say you are, so he spies on you to see what you're up to. Won't figure it out until you actually use magic to apply the various skin care products. Now he's onto you. He's another one who's going to be impressed by your clever use of magic.

Beelzebub

Doesn't notice how lazy you are, but does notice that your stuff still gets done. His instinct is to help you out, so he might try to do some chores for you only to find that you've somehow already done them? How did you do that? He's confused.

This is going to go on for a while. He's going to notice your stuff is done, but he's just gonna go ??? and then move on with his life. He's not worried about it, though it is a little mind boggling.

Assuming you're sometimes on meal duty, though, that's when he's going to make the connection. If you use magic to make meals and they turn out really good, he's going to want to know how you're doing it. He's going to notice that you somehow get it done without even going into the kitchen? MC, please explain. He needs to know where your food supply is coming from.

In the end, you likely just tell him about it yourself. You go ahead and use magic to make him snacks. He's so thrilled, but he's not going to ask you to teach him. He's just going to ask you to make him food all the time. You're really good at magic, after all.

Belphegor

Annoyed at first. How dare you surpass him in laziness? This isn't something he actually cared about until he realized that some of his brothers were saying you were lazier than him. Hey. MC. This is his thing, you know?

Turns out he's too lazy to actually pursue any kind of rivalry with you about this. So instead you become partners in crime. If you're sitting around for hours, you can be sure that Belphie will be by your side, probably asleep. He's happy to keep you company.

Figures out what you're doing pretty fast. Since he's with you all the time, he sees that you're using magic to get everything done. Starts trying to get you to do his stuff, too. You get to decide if you're going to or not, but if you do, then he'll never leave your side again.

Especially fond of your pranks, particularly ones aimed at Lucifer. Will never give you away. The others might ask him how you do what you do, considering he's spending all his time with you. But he'll never tell, so they'll have to figure it out for themselves.

masterlist | Thank you for reading!

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me nightbringer #obey me headcanons #obey me fanfiction #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me brothers #request #anon request #misc writes

[naranjapetrificada]

This is going to be long so the short version is this:

I convinced my therapist to watch the 🌟Gay Pirate Show🌟 and now I have to confront a previously unidentified and terrifyingly deep emotional wound that could be as transformative to heal as it is terrifying to approach.

My therapist and I have a lot of let's say...demographic things in common that have made this the most successful therapeutic relationship I've ever had, but also that just made me think he might like the show. It's no secret that ofmd has been a deeply moving experience for its viewers, and queer, neurodivergent, and/or people of color have written at length about the special ways it touches us (or doesn't). Those are three categories both he and I fit into and it feels relevant to say that for context.

So yes I thought he might like it, but I also wanted to pick his brain about Big Feelings it was giving me that I hadn't experienced with the same intensity with other media/fandoms. Y'all, he gave me a completely unexpected reading on the show (and its story and its fan works) and why it makes us feel So Much that I haven't seen anywhere before.

When I say Big Feelings, I mean like I've literally had to swear off a couple of pretty innocuous categories on AO3 ("Growing Old Together" and "Domestic Fluff") because they would devastate me in ways that I couldn't attribute to anything specific. Growing Old Together comes with the possibility of death separating them, which is heartbreaking, but that didn't feel like it was the thing that was gutting me. Domestic Fluff could probably be called the most innocuous tag ever, but anything that saw our blorbos settling down and watching the Revenge sail off into the distance was fucking me up as well.

There are plenty of reasons why OFMD makes queer people feel so much, but when I say this was fucking me up I mean like, well, remember when people outside of classical music started learning about appoggiatura? Like intellectually knowing why I was crying but at a loss how intense everything felt. And my therapist (who is as good at analyzing a text as he is at being a therapist) was like "oh, it could be all the grief."

The grief.

The audacity of this motherfucker (affectionate).

It's a romcom! It's a romcom that we were explicitly told would have a happy ending! It's a romcom where the characters will get to sail off into the sunset together like they want and like we want for them! Stede and Ed, after four decades of self-hatred and trauma and fear and isolation, somehow find each other. And one of the sweetest things about their story is that it's a late in life love story, because it's incredibly inspiring for someone to get to experience a part of life they thought wasn't for them. The inescapable fact that their time together will be shorter than any of us would like is sad but not unaccountably sad to me, because of how much joy they'll be able to cram into the time they have left. I could be wrong but I don't think that alone is the source of what's been overwhelming me.

Grief is a constant presence in the world-building and the storytelling because grief is a natural response to well, so many things about being alive. Grieving is some of the hardest shit any of us ever have to do, but it's also so universal and so many of the things that make us uniquely human also make grieving well, maybe not easier, but something we can endure and process through ritual, community, and the example of those we've witnessed grieving their own losses. Many kinds of grief come with narratives that you can accept or reject all or parts of, but the narrative exists.

But have you ever heard of disenfranchised loss? Loss that's not easily labeled or classified or given the time or space or understanding it deserves? Have you experienced a loss like that? Can you imagine how much more difficult it makes the grieving process?

Well what my therapist suggested, the thing that knocked me on my ass hard enough that I had to come have Online Feelings about it, is that eventually, we all have to mourn ourselves. Not necessarily in a "mortality is inevitable" way (that happens to everyone) but in ways that are often unique to people like him and me (black, ND, queer). Even if we work on ourselves, if we grow and heal our trauma and feel at home in our identities and our bodies and build beautiful lives, eventually we will be forced to mourn the selves that we never got to be in the societies in which we live and the selves we once had to become to survive this long.

And that mourning is a kind of disenfranchised loss, with no clear path forward. Obviously this conversation happened within the context of everything my therapist knows about me as an individual, but I thought certain things might resonate with other fans as well so I wanted to talk about it. The story of this bizarre little man and his remarkable second act and his lovely little found family and his incredibly beautiful love story (that we've been guaranteed will end happily) is still haunted by the specific kind of grief that comes from learning what's possible, and regretting that you didn't know it was possible sooner.

And does anybody have more delayed milestones, later-in-life discoveries, and/or need to invent places for themselves than those of us on the social fringes? Than those of us in societies unequipped for (or actively hostile to) the ways we exist and the things we need to survive and thrive? Than those of us who have to create our own narratives or be saddled with inaccurate or harmful narratives created by others, or even no narrative at all?

And narrative is so much. Narrative is everything. Narrative is the story we tell ourselves and each other and that literally shapes our reality. So those story beats where we discover something better than what came before are inherently stories with loss and will require mourning, because we mourn loss.

Even when the story has a happy ending. Especially when the story has a happy ending for someone who never thought they would be allowed to have one.

I mean just like, FUCKING HELL. I can't blame anyone for this but myself. I know my therapist. I know how insightful he can be. I did this to myself and now I have to live with it. But my god is it a massive mountain I'm about to have to climb now. My therapist and I have always found it helpful to discuss media that makes me Feel Things (see all the trauma work that came from Life is Strange) but if you had told me that I'd be looking into this new dark cave of unprocessed shit thanks to what I thought was just gonna be a harmless little gay pirate show starring fucking Murray from Flight of the Concords I would probably just have assumed you were in the middle of having a stroke and taken off to get you the medical attention you desperately needed.

#not to be dramatic #but I definitely worry this might still be dramatic #my therapist is great #but the problem with a good therapist #is that sometimes they will fucking read you #and then you get whiplash #don't be afraid to bring up media that speaks to you in therapy #you never know what might come of it #or how much it might shake you #I should also be clear that all this grief in a story with a happy ending isn't a bad thing #it just kind of is #and when you enjoy it #just enjoy it #every moment of joy is a gift #no matter the context #go ahead and grieve yourself #also I couldn't find an elegant way to fit this in #but the storytelling is very neurodivergent #or at least unfolds in a way that is friendly to my neurodivergence #that's why I'm not a big TV watcher anyway #but I was able to sit down and mainline this #it's the first new show I've watched in literal years #ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd meta #our flag means death meta #🤯🤯🤯 #😳😳😳 #disenfranchised loss

[wandaxpietro]

another ask because this is the only way I know how to contribute to the Maxicest/ScarletSilver fandom (wish i could do more but college is p a i n )

but imagine if Pietro and Wanda just came out and told everyone they're dating/in love (whether as a joke or if they're being serious or idk) I am willing to bet a majority of their friends/coworkers/acquaintances/enemies would either be like: "we knew lol" or "you haven't already???" or be supportive or neutral to their relationship.

But I'm wondering... how would Magneto react? How would Lorna react? How would Magda/Marya/Natalya and Django react? (if they were alive to see it) How would Vision or Crystal react?

Hell, how would Billy and Tommy react? And Luna too? (marvel pls bring her back :((( plsss)

i feel like in the current SW&QS comic run, there will probably be some in-universe comment/rumors that since are Pietro and Wanda are together again, that they are together.

(might ask more questions/thoughts/random blurbs later ://)

ah i think you're more charitable than i am... i don't think most people who know them would be okay with it. they all probably know to varying degrees -- especially their close friends -- it's the deniability that saves it for them, that makes them able to ignore all of it. the avengers (the ones that are close to them, that is) all know, all have seen the twins in weird situations, but they've gotten very very good at looking away. none of them want to know. i think they'd be highly uncomfortable if they came out with their relationship officially, because that'd mean they can no longer ignore it, y'know? i don't think most would start a fight about it or a confrontation or anything, but they'd get weird around the twins.

(on a side note, i think clint is one of the people who'd get actually angry for a while lol. that moment when you're bisexual and your two crushes are dating etc etc. also i think carol would ask wanda if she's alright, if pietro's forcing her into anything, which would make wanda really mad. janet i think is smart enough that she's realized for a long time they're in love & knows something like that isn't going on but she wouldn't be very comfortable, either. the one i think who's most likely to "accept" it is actually tony bcuz i think he genuinely wouldn't give a fuck lol)

that aside! now for the ones you actually asked about lol. ah it's difficult.

magneto - depends on when he'd find out. during brotherhood times, i don't think he'd care, because he didn't really care about them to begin with. once he finds out they're related, at the very beginning, i think he'd be appalled but there isn't anything he can do about it, since he's an absent father trying to reconnect and has no rights to his children. once they're in the family dance for a while, he's grown a bit demanding, esp towards pietro, if that makes sense? so i think he'd probably argue with them about it lol. i don't think he'd like it, not so much bcuz of personal disgust, but mostly bcuz of optics. but also bcuz he has a desire for his children to live normal, happy lives (as much as he has trouble showing them that normally lol) and i think he'd think that would interfere with that. he's also very good at ignoring it, however -- before he'd officially find out, ofc, but after, too. he just conveniently "forgets" it. maybe starts introducing both of them to other people. they hate it.

lorna - i think lorna knows. i think she's known for a long time and while she was disgusted by it at first (and also strangely jealous; she doesn't want either of them but they've always been so close and she never had that. she doesn't have a sibling that's primarily hers, if that makes sense) i think she came to terms with it over time, enough so that she'd be pretty alright with it if they went official.

i honestly don't know about magda, django, marya and natalya... i think magda would have a lot of compassion after everything they've been through, but would treat it as an unfortunate side-effect of all of the twins' trauma, if that makes sense? she loves them a lot, though. the rest of them i don't know. i can't see any of them liking it, but marya and django might just be happy they're both alive and happy, you know? i feel like natalya would want more for them, similarly to magneto, bcuz she doesn't quite get it. but no one does. so yknow.

so billy and tommy are their kids. we know this. i think tommy wouldn't care, tbh. i can't see him being fazed or disgusted by it, also i think he'd be happy to find out pietro is his dad. they already get along, and he doesn't have a lot of people who care about him, and who want to spend time with him (vision never did lol). idk about billy..... i think he dearly loves them both but i think he might just think wanda could do better (lol). i think he'd be vaguely uncomfortable, but pietro would never play dad if billy didn't want that, so i think they're fine-ish? he'd probably get used to it eventually even when he's not thrilled. idk if he'd ever see pietro as his dad. also i think he's also known for a long time but he hasn't gotten over it like lorna has.

as for luna....... honestly she's genuinely a weird kid. she can see people's emotions & i can't see her caring much about "human" taboos. she's from a royal family, and her aunt's husband is also her aunt's (distant) cousin. i think she'd be fine, lol. she can see the love between wanda & pietro -- and tho she probably didn't realize (or didn't want to; bcuz that'd make things complicated) that it was romantic, too, she'd be relatively fine, just happy that her father's happy. she's long since been over crystal and pietro's marriage, so that doesn't bother her, either.

#i'm sorry if this feels like a pessimistic view lol #but i genuinely can't see most of the people surrounding them as actually fully supportive #also i think wanda & pietro wouldn't ever officially come out as a couple. it's been a secret for a long time #and at some point it's not really a secret anymore -- w and p don't treat it as one anymore either -- but no one talks about it #it's like an open secret. people who want to can safely ignore it most of the time #but then they'll catch a clandestine moment and be reminded. lol. #anyway! #answered #i should probably start tagging these asks #scarletsilver #maxicest

[trickster-jpeg]

I Haven't Slept In Days, But Who's Counting.

This is a sequel to another oneshot, so it'll make more sense context-wise if you read that first -> Here

Summary: Steven's tries to carry on hiding his nightmares from Marc and Jake, but after a particularly rough night Marc finds out and tells Jake. The pair confront him and have to comfort him after he breaks down.

Warnings: Nothing major. Brief descriptions of child abuse when Steven talks about one of the nightmares.

Word Count: 8524 It's On AO3 -> Here

A/N: 'Ricitos' is a petname that means 'curly hair', and 'Manitos' means something akin to 'little brother'.

“Steven- I just really think you should tell them. They would want to know, they would want to help you. If anyone can understand what you’re going through, it’s them.”

A few days had passed since ‘the incident’ as Steven was choosing to call it and, despite the continuing insomnia, things were going as well as they could be. Layla had offered to stay a few more days to keep him company, but he knew that there were things she needed to do and being on nightmare watch wasn’t one of them, so he declined. She’d been amazing the past few days, more amazing than she usually was, and as per usual she was like a rock for him to lean on for support which he was extremely grateful for. Regardless of how stupid he thought it might’ve been, she’d listened to whatever he had to say, and when he’d wanted to stay quiet she’d sit with him through that as well. The pair had gone out to spend their last few full days together just wandering around, visiting little cafes and book shops, taking walks for the fresh air. Just spending a moment to simply exist without the threat of the world collapsing around them, real or imagined.

Marc had been out at times as well, just to do his own thing and spend his own time with Layla. It was tricky for the pair at times, given their history, especially at the start once everything had been put on the table. When they'd had a moment to talk about the disorder honestly. But the pair were working or rebuilding things better than they had been, and made new room for Jake and Steven to be included as well if they wanted. Jake still wasn’t fully used to fronting the same way the others were, or for the same lengths of time, so he didn’t appear much. Especially when there wasn’t really anything to do. But after some encouragement from the three, he’d found a new motivation to spend time out and trying to relax after he’d started to realise he wasn’t being subjected to his typical nightmares. Steven had made Layla promise not to tell his headmates.

Which led him back to his predicament.

Telling the other two about his nightmares. It’s not that he didn’t want to, it was just… Maybe that’s exactly what it was in all honesty. How was he supposed to bring it up anyway? “Marc! Jake! Just the people I've been trying to subtly avoid, but you’ve probably noticed that by now. It’s aces that your nightmares have suddenly started to dip in frequency, genuinely so glad that you’re able to have a peaceful nights rest, but that’s actually because they’ve just passed over to me! Surprise!” He’d rather be shot in a pyramid and stuffed into a bloody sarcophagus. Again. But he knew it was only a matter of time before they found out somehow. Which is why he wanted to be the one to tell them.

They’d been trying to work on their communication. Trying to lower the daily amnesia barriers, get more fluid with switching and have more control over it, being able to sit down and talk as a trio. Steven had been doing more research on DID whenever he had the chance. Found it really quite interesting if he was honest, despite not being the biggest psychology buff, but he also had a tendency to fixate and overload himself with the information and that tended to trigger some doubt in him about the whole thing. Something he read was completely normal for people like him- them- but it was still frustrating to have to stagger his questions just so he could safely process basic information.

One thing in particular caught his eye during the deep dives though. Innerworlds. He read about how they were this visualisation thing, like the mind palace in Sherlock. That they could help to provide a space for communication, like properly interacting with each other in a way that wasn’t just staring into a mirror and hoping someone responded with the reflection. It had taken a while to work on actually putting the concept into practice, to actually try and visualise it in a way that didn’t make them feel like they were just daydreaming, but they’d done it. Slowly but surely, they’d started to make it work. Their innerworld was nothing fancy, at least not for now. In a way, they found it somewhat easier to simply have a replica of their flat as a hub of safety, or a meeting place to be used when needed. And Steven had reluctantly deduced that this was one of the times it was necessary to use it as a meeting place.

It would take him a while to gather up the nerve to start the conversation. Overthinking was a special talent of Steven’s and he could spend years trying to plan every single possibility. To sit down and focus, the build up to opening up to the people he always told shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk about their troubles. It really was easier said than done when none of them had really been properly taught how they were supposed to do that, but Steven tried to think of it as a learning experience. He could lead by example. Maybe. Hopefully.

However, like many things in their life, the choice was ultimately made for Steven and left him a complete lack of control over the circumstances that led up to the others finding out.

It had been a week since Layla had left their flat. A week of being alone in the empty darkness of his room. A week of looping audiobooks and fidgeting with rubik's cubes and leaning over books under a lamp only to pass out on the desk after succumbing to sleep’s cruel lullaby. He’d been coping as well as he could. Sometimes staying on the phone with Layla until he felt safe enough to sleep again. Or at least until he pretended to because he didn’t want to keep her up anymore than he’d already been doing. Eventually it had to come to a close. It always did. And this time it really was Steven’s fault.

As a rule, Steven tended to avoid drinking. Never really saw much of an appeal apart from some of the ones that tasted nice. He didn’t like the loss of control. Something about it just made him extremely uncomfortable, not that he understood why until he’d found out about their mum’s drinking habits. But he knew Marc drank, albeit sometimes unhealthily, and so eventually he concluded that they’d have the same type of tolerance given the fact that it was the same body. He was still getting used to it, finding it easier to just continue avoiding the substance without any qualms, but occasionally he’d partake.

This was one of those nights. He knew it wasn’t exactly the healthiest of ideas to start drinking with the intent of using it to get him to sleep, but it would just be a one time thing. Honestly. He just wanted to see if it would do anything. If it would help ease him into the action without hours of anxiety spirals to keep him awake. So, he picked up the bottle of hard liquor that he knew Marc had stashed in the back of one of the cupboards in the kitchen and took a large mouthful of it.

His immediate reaction was repulsion, the instant impulse to try and spit out the liquid that felt like it was numbing his tongue, but he powered through it and swallowed hard. The burning sensation that scraped down his throat was strong enough to cause his eyes to water almost immediately afterwards and he jolted forward to grab a half empty glass of water that had been left out on the kitchen top. He felt the alcohol settle heavily in his stomach, an empty feeling that made him realise he had forgotten to eat anything that wasn’t a small snack or two throughout the day.

Overall, it was an unpleasant experience that he would rather not repeat or continue doing. But the distraction of the alcohol scratching at his throat would probably be enough to draw his focus away from the anxiety his nightmares caused, which is why he made the great decision to take another few large mouthfuls from the bottle before setting it down and flopping into bed. Enough to make a small, yet notable difference in the contents of the bottle. He grimaced and coughed as the liquid burned down his throat again, pulling a slightly disgusted face as he realised he could smell it quite intensely on his breath.

After about ten to fifteen minutes of lying in bed, waiting for the pain to dull down slightly, he started to feel somewhat dizzy. Like a mild vertigo, almost like dissociating in a way. In an attempt to settle the feeling slightly, he closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing, counting the beats between each inhale and exhale like sheep. His mind started to drift as he focused on the waviness of it all, the floating sensation creeping into his brain as he felt himself lean deeper into the mattress. Gradually, he stopped being aware of his behaviour, his thoughts, the waking world. Apparently a mixture of sleep deprivation, alcohol, and lack of food made a great recipe for sleep.

From Marc’s detailed experiences of drinking and sleeping, alcohol made dreams more vivid. It also made them way more memorable when he woke up from them. And usually, it was more likely to be nightmares than dreams when alcohol had a part to play in the events leading up to sleep. Sometimes it would be more trauma-centric nightmares, but usually 3.5 out of 5 times it was some random bullshit nightmare that most of the general population gets. Something mundane like accidentally yanking his teeth out and swallowing them or something. The point was, it was fairly easy to tell when a dream was influenced by alcohol or if it was just a typical, regular dream. Which is why he was so disoriented when he woke up with sweat soaking their bedsheets and his chest heaving painfully as he tried to draw in the breaths he didn’t even know he was lacking.

He tasted the liquor he’d bought himself, coating his mouth and mixing with the flood of saliva as he jolted to grab the bin they kept beside their bed to heave into, watching as the majority of his stomach contents turned out to be the alcohol. A sight not quite shocking to him, borderline familiar with the amount of times it happened to him in the past, but still confusing. Confusing because he could’ve sworn he hadn’t had anything to drink. That he hadn’t fronted for pretty much the entire day so unless he’d had a full blackout of his own memories, he hadn’t touched the bottle. And he knew that Jake hadn’t been the one to drink it either, simply because he knew that the man hated his choice of liquor and wouldn’t voluntarily drink it unless he was forced to, and even then he’d have tried to buy some before falling back on Marc’s stash. Which just left one other person to blame. Steven.

Why the hell would Steven be drinking? He hates drinking. Or at least hates drinking this stuff.

As Marc continued to retch into the bin, a worry started to overshadow the initial confusion he was feeling. It didn’t make any sense. The man never went out of his way to buy or drink, and when he did he always went for the softest stuff. The stuff that barely tasted like alcohol, just fruit or sugar. He’d made it clear time and time again that he’d hated the feeling of it, hated the taste, hated the aftermath. Hated everything about it. Which is why Marc just couldn’t understand why Steven would feel the need to drink so much of this stuff. Surely the Brit would’ve tried to speak to Marc or Jake if there was something going on, right?

Suddenly feeling unsure about his headmate’s transparency, he started to try and remember any signs in the past few weeks that something was wrong with Steven. Briefly, he got glimpses of the man falling back into his old habits of trying to avoid sleep. Of not eating as much as he usually would, or leaving the house as often as he did. Of watching their phone and waiting silently for it to stop ringing and for the familiar contact of Layla to disappear from the screen. Then he thought about last week. Something recent came to mind. Something hazy. They were sitting on the floor. Reading something- No. Being read to. Marc didn’t understand the words but he knew the voice speaking them. Felt the panic dying down as Steven realised who it was as well.

He needed to call Layla.

Without looking, he reached over to the side table to grab at the phone he knew would be there with one hand as he placed the bin in the other hand now that he was confident there was nothing left for him to throw up. The bright light from the screen blinded him for a moment as he scrambled to turn down the brightness, cursing the Brit quietly for his adamance at having the setting so high all the time. After a moment of letting his eyes readjust to the sight of it, he opened his contacts and hit the dial button over his wife’s name. A moment of regret and remorse flickered in his chest as he looked up at the time on the top of his screen reading ‘02:38’. Maybe he should’ve waited until the morning to figure this out rather than disturbing her sleep and waking her up at this time for such a petty reason-

“Hello? Steven? Marc?... Jake?”

A wave of familiarity washed over him as he heard her tiredly croak out a response over the line, clearly having just been woken up by the phone. He hesitated for a moment before realising he should probably start speaking.

“Hey, it’s me- Marc-”

“I may have just woken up but I can still tell that it’s your voice, Marc. You don’t have to tell me. We’ve been married for about ten years.”

He pauses awkwardly, mentally kicking himself for his stupid attempt at trying to help her as though she hadn’t spent a decade waking up to hearing his voice. Clearing his throat, still raw from the alcohol going in and then out of his system, he swallows before continuing.

“I know it's late, didn’t realise until i’d already hit the call button. I wouldn’t have phoned if it wasn’t important, or at least I’m pretty sure it’s important-”

“Marc, I love you and I'm listening but I'm still incredibly tired. Could you maybe skip to the reason you’re calling me at… two in the morning?”

He stays silent for a moment or two, apologetic that he woke Layla up at this hour, but also more apprehensive to speak the words out loud. As if the reality of the situation, of the things he’s thinking, will settle in and manifest. That it’ll be real once he says it. Taking another deep breath, his throat feeling slightly strangled as he forces the words out of his mouth.

“Steven was drinking. I don’t know why, I just know that I woke up in a pile of sweat, having one of the worst panic attacks I've had in a while, promptly followed up by me puking my insides out and seeing he’s barely eaten anything all day. And a nightmare that I know was about our childhood that I can’t even remember to top it all off. I just- I thought if he’s spoken to anyone about any of this… it would be you.”

The line was silent for a while, the only clue that Layla was still there and that it hadn’t hung up or frozen was her muttered swears that the microphone just barely managed to pick up. He heard a brief shuffling, almost as though she was moving around to sit up in bed or something. Another few moments of silence passed before she spoke hesitantly, her tone reluctant but much more awake than it had been. Much more alert.

“I promised I wouldn’t say anything… He said he’d- Never mind. I don’t really know how to say this, it’s not my thing to say but if he’s getting to this point instead of talking I-”

The confusion and worry in Marc’s mind only stood to grow even more at the vague words. What was Steven not telling them? What could be so bad that he’s made Layla promise not to say anything? All members of the system had the understanding that there was a level of confidentiality between some of their personal conversations with Layla. If they wanted or needed to tell her something, or just didn’t want the other two to know about it, then they wouldn’t ask her. A mutual respect that they wouldn’t pry into things or try to force their partner to talk about things that didn’t concern them unless it was important enough for them all to know. And to Marc, this seemed like it was something pretty fucking important for them to know about.

“What? What do you mean ‘not your thing to say’? ‘Getting to this point’? Layla, what's wrong with Steven? I mean he knows he can talk to us about things, he’s always going on about being open and honest and how things are better when we all work together to try and solve them so what could be so bad that he’s hiding things from us-”

“He’s been having nightmares, Marc. About your childhood. About your trauma. He’s been having nightmares and flashbacks.”

As Layla cuts his ramblings off and tells him the truth, he’s stunned into silent shock. It's almost like the words just don’t process in his mind. At least not for the first minute or so after he’d heard them. Like his brain just refused to acknowledge them as the truth, or even just as a possibility at all. He almost asked her to repeat what she’d said, to give her the opportunity to say something else. Almost hoping that what she’d said was a mistake, or that he’d just misheard her. Until they actually started to settle in his head.

Steven had been having nightmares. Their Steven. He’d been having nightmares. He’d been having their nightmares. Marc and Jake had finally been freed from them, celebrating and joking between themselves that they’d been given a ‘mini restbite’. And Steven had been forced to deal with them instead. The Steven that would take their place and stay up for hours after they’d jolted awake to reassure them they were alright. The Steven that would talk outloud and describe every single item and object in their flat, as well as the layout of the floors, if it meant that they could believe they were safe and in their own home, not stuck in that house with their mother. The Steven that once decided to make a crappy little blanket fort at three in the morning for Jake because the man had been borderline inconsolable after he had screamed himself awake as a result of a particularly brutal nightmare. And now the same man was trying to brave his way through it all on his own, and had been doing so for months, all while Marc and Jake had been none the wiser..

“You need to talk to him about it, Marc. All three of you. He thinks that- He doesn’t want you to see him as a burden. Thinks that if he proves he can handle this on his own then he can prove he’s ‘contributing’ to the system, taking responsibility. That you’ll stop trying to keep things from him or I guess treating him like a child.”

Marc sits in a stunned silence as he listens to Layla speak, thoughts spinning like a tornado in his head. That couldn’t- That couldn’t be right. Steven doesn’t really think that. Doesn’t really believe that. Right? He couldn’t. But it was true in some way, they did keep things from him. They did treat him like a kid. Even if that was never their intention, they did it all the same. Falling into old habits of trying to keep his innocent naivety protected, keep him protected. And it’d backfired and made the man feel like he had to prove something to them. That he had to suffer in silence to be treated the same.

The stark realisation made Marc’s stomach lurch with nausea as he swallowed back the urge to gag, trying to suppress the growing pit in his stomach that had opened up like a sinkhole. His immediate reaction was that of self hatred, of anger, of a need to punish himself for not realising sooner or for making his headmate feel like that. But he knew that was no good, and it was probably the exact reaction that Steven had being trying to avoid by not telling him.

He sat in silence for a moment longer, not being able to think of the words he could use to formulate a response. Layla knew him well enough to understand that, even over the phone. He nodded slightly to himself as he continued to process her words, a small hum escaping his lips. Mumbling a tired but appreciative thanks to his wife, he makes the promise to fill her in on the aftermath before hanging up the phone with a mumbled ‘love you, thank you’. As per usual, she was right. They did need to talk. Sooner rather than later. Now.

Usually he wasn’t the one to initiate the contact in the innerworld, meditation like things having never really worked for him, but drastic times called for drastic measures and what better time to put this into practice than now. He took a few deep breaths, trying to distract himself from his own thoughts and feelings on the situation. Steven needed stability, reassurance that he could talk. Having a major freak out and blaming himself would only make the Brit want to comfort Marc and focus on him rather than the real issue centred around him. He just had to fill Jake in on the situation before. He knew the man would appreciate the forewarning, plus it would give them a better chance at being able to help Steven in a way that didn’t make him feel cornered.

Leaning back in bed, he slowly took some deep breaths and closed his eyes, just like Steven had told him to do when explaining it all, and tried to reach out to Jake. The man hated the use of mirrors most of the time, hating how jarring it was to be perceived, but Marc also just couldn’t be asked to get up out of bed and walk to a reflective surface. It only took a moment or two for Jake to surface, the man always on the wings somewhere in case he needed to jump in at a moment’s notice. He blinked his eyes open as he adjusted to the shift in his surroundings, stood next to the sofa in their innerworld flat instead of laying with closed eyes in bed. Beside him, Jake sat on the chair polishing his boots with a calmed expression, glancing up at Marc once he noted the man’s presence. Awkwardly, Marc just stood there for a moment, looking around the room as he tried to figure out what small talk he should try and make before leading into the main issue.

How the fuck was he supposed to start this conversation?

“So… How’s the weather been lookin-”

“Just spit it out, Manito, I don’t bite.”

Instantly, Marc clenched his jaw and drummed his fingers on his legs ever so slightly in an attempt to combat the self-consciousness as he became aware of how he was just standing in the middle of the room. His eyes flickered back and forth between the other man, his boots, and the fish tank bubbling away in the background as Gus and Gus swam calmly as he tried to figure out how to formulate his sentences. They really needed to get better names for the fish. He bit his lip as he stood there in silence, chewing at the slightly cracked skin and trying to bite it off. As he tasted iron, he opened his mouth to respond.

“Steven’s been having the nightmares. Our nightmares. Having our flashbacks too. For months. He was drinking my stash before he went to sleep tonight. Layla’s seen him wake up screaming bloody murder after thinking he was still stuck in a dream.”

Jake’s hands stilled as he wiped the remnants of the boot polish over the material, his reaction perfectly frozen in a way that Marc assumed meant his thoughts had started to spiral immediately like his had when he’d found out. It also meant he was also trying to figure out what to do next. Just like Marc had. After a few moments, the cab driver gently placed the cloth down and started to nod quietly, processing the information he’d just been given. It was clear he was still trying to wrap his head around it, and so Marc spared him from having to try and speak, electing to continue his words.

“Apparently he said he’d talk to us, but I think we need to start the conversation first. She- Layla said that he’s trying to show his contribution to the system or something. That we’ve been treating him like a kid by trying to keep him safe from things. That we’ve been leaving him out. Making him feel like a- like a burden.”

Jake continued to nod, somewhat more forceful as Marc continued to talk. His eyes widened ever so slightly as his body language grew into a more spread out and tense defensive stance, his eyes scanning over the table back and forth as he did. Reaching up to remove his cap, he ran gloved hands through his hair and out of his face roughly, sitting back and looking up at Marc as he held the accessory in his hand like a lifeline. His jaw clenched a few times, his back cracking as he straightened his spine slightly. After a few more moments of silence, Jake took a deep breath and swallowed, staring off at the empty desk that sat tucked next to the stacks of books. A beat or two passed before he stood up, looking to the other side of the room as though staring at someone. As Marc followed his gaze, he had to mask his shock as suddenly sat in the uncomfortable desk chair was the main focus of their conversation: Steven.

The Brit was hunched over a book, reading as though nothing was happening until the confusion hit him and he looked up with a disorientated expression. Spinning around on his chair, his eyes immediately landed on the two men who were looking… worse for wear. That being said, Steven probably wasn’t looking so great either. He looked down at his clothes and realised he was wearing the black sweatshirt and joggers he had been wearing when they were stuck in the asylum. His hands were mostly covered by the sleeves being pulled up over them and as he reached up to brush his curled fringe out of his face. The dark strands felt greasy and knotted in his fingers, and he was suddenly very aware of how awful his face felt. He felt the weight beneath his eyes, dark circles sitting beneath them. His cheeks feeling somewhat sunken, and the rest of his face feeling oily. He felt like shit. He was literally projecting how he felt and he couldn’t get it to stop.

Suddenly, he started to feel extremely vulnerable as he looked at the other two men, his legs bouncing nervously. He felt like a bug under a microscope, like he was about to be pinned to a canvas frame. The more he looked at them, the more he realised he’d been brought here on purpose, the way the Americans were glancing at one another and back at him as if they knew something. Like they were trying to silently argue about something. Something to do with him. Why was he here? It’s not like they had anything important to Steven, they never included him with that kind of thing so why-

In an instant, his heart stopped dead, his spine straightening and body tensing as he frantically looked at the pair as if he’d just been struck by lightning. He felt himself rocking back and forward in the chair ever so slightly, counting slowly as he tried to focus on his breathing. Was it even possible to have a panic attack on the innerworld? It felt like he was about to find out. He blinked desperately, hoping that with enough force he could try to escape this situation and take over the body to get out.

They knew. Somehow his headmates had found out about him. About his situation. How? Or- Maybe they didn’t. Maybe he was just overreacting. Maybe if he tried to play it off and fake ignorance then he could get out of it. Maybe they only realised he was withdrawn and they were none the wiser about his-

“We know about the nightmares, Steven. Layla told us.”

For a brief moment, he felt a pang of betrayal in his chest towards her. He’d made her promise she wouldn’t tell them so why on earth would she-

“I woke up throwing up all the liquor you’d drank on an empty stomach, bedsheet drenched in sweat, on the tail end of the worst panic attack I've felt in months. Of course I was going to call the only person who would have any inkling as to what the fuck was going on with you. What were you thinking? Why would you-”

Marc was cut off by Jake lightly stamping on his foot in a clear signal for him to stop talking and calm down, clearly having realised how the man’s worry was definitely coming off as confrontational instead of reassuring. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as if trying to reset his attitude, before looking back at Steven with a stern but slightly apologetic gaze. Clearing his throat stiffly, he walked over to Steven and sat a few feet away from him on the floor to give him space. Jake followed suit behind him and sat on a small table to the side of him, just barely above Steven’s natural sitting eye level. The three men sat in quiet for a few more moments, before Marc spoke up once more and broke the silence.

“We’re… sorry. I’m sorry. We thought we were doing right by you and clearly it did the opposite. You never should’ve been made to feel like you couldn’t talk to us and- Yeah. I’m sorry, Steven. Genuinely.”

Silently, Jake nodded along with the man as he watched Steven’s eyes shift around looking at the floor. A minute of silence passed as the Brit let the words sink in. They were apologising… To him. A part of him wanted to backpedal, immediately try to reassure the two men that it was no harm done and that he knew it wasn’t deliberate. But another part of him was just tired. Tired for the months of struggling silently, albeit because of his own choice to try and hide it, but he still felt like he wasn’t worth the fuss that would be caused if he spoke up. And they were apologising for it. Eventually, after another minute or two, he looked up at the pair with red rimmed eyes slowly filling with tears. His voice shook slightly as he spoke, there was no point trying to hide it anymore because they saw him in the same way he felt. They knew the way he felt because they’d felt it as well at some point.

“How do you do it? How do you both cope with it so well?”

There was a brief moment of shock that crossed their faces at Steven’s question. Marc’s expression leaning towards reluctant realisation at how the man saw the pair at the words, and Jake’s steering more towards a neutral acceptance of his perception. Neither of them looked as though they agreed with the wording of Steven’s inquiry. Marc spoke up once more to answer the man nonetheless, Jake taking over once he stops.

“We can’t cope with it, Steven. We just grit our teeth and push through it. You want to know how we can do it? You. You’re the reason we can survive it.”

“He’s right, ricitos. We don’t know how to look after ourselves in the way that lets us live. Without you we’re just barely existing. You look after us. Love us. Support us. You’re everything to us, and we’re sorry that we’ve made you feel like you’re not.”

As they both watched Steven react to their words, they could’ve sworn they felt their hearts break in that single moment. At the realisation on how the men viewed him, Steven’s disbelief started to melt into something almost sobering. His brows lowered, rising slightly on the inner parts showing the clear frown lines on his forehead. He gently caught the bottom of his lip between his teeth for a moment as the corners of his mouth tilted downwards into a stunted frown. His eyelids drooped slightly as the redness lining the rims were contrasted against the purple bags beneath his eyes, shimmering slightly under the dim light as tears started to delicately stream down his face. They watched as his lip quivered ever so slightly as his eyes downcast to his hands that were clasping one another, wringing together as he let the words wash over him. As he sniffled quietly, he bit his lips together into an even clearer frown, the lines that usually showed from him smiling too much framed them painfully. In a shaky voice, he eventually spoke up.

“I just thought that the alcohol might make it easier to fall asleep. That it would… I don’t know. Distract me from my anxiety or something. Didn’t realise I had forgotten to eat until I’d already started drinking. It was absolutely minging, just for your information. Don’t know how you can drink that stuff. I won’t- I’m not going to do it again though. And thank you. For apologising. I appreciate it a lot.”

They sit in silence for a few more moments before Marc speaks up, somewhat nervously. Afraid of something. Insecure about himself, about the possibility of messing up this fragile interaction by saying the wrong thing.

“You could’ve asked us to stick around. Just to keep you company getting to sleep- You still can. It might be kind of a shitty downfall of this disorder, but in some cases never really being alone might be a bit of a blessing in disguise. I wouldn’t mind in the slightest. Neither would Jake.”

He looks up and over his shoulder from his seat on the floor to see Jake giving the gentlest smile he’s ever seen from the man in a reassuring manner to both Steven and Marc, nodding slowly in agreement to the man’s words. Steven focuses on the gloved man while thankfully flashing a weak smile towards him, replicating it as he looks down to Marc. He wipes his dripping nose on his oversized sleeve before grimacing slightly in brief disgust at his own action before responding.

“I just didn’t want you to worry about me. I… I thought it might make you treat me like a child even more. I didn't want to be babied- Even if you never meant it like that it just- It just really started to piss me off, if i’m being honest. I just want to be treated the same as you treat each other.” He pauses to take a steady inhale before flashing a friendly smile to the pair, almost endearing in his own way. “I’m an adult, lads. A grown man, same as you. I don’t care if you keep me out of… ‘darker’ conversations. If it’s something I shouldn’t know yet, that it would be bad for me to know about just now, I wouldn’t mind. But it feels like it’s all of the- all of the trauma. All of the time. Sure, I didn’t know about it until recently, but that doesn’t mean I’m still clueless. I mean, hell, how can we even be sure that there are pieces of it that I know about but you both don’t. Did you ever think about it like that? What if I’d been the one to trigger something in the both of you because I just assumed it was common knowledge that you both knew? It’s not a one way street, you know.”

There was a slight shift in the air as Steven concluded his words, the Americans glancing at each other in apprehension as they realised that their headmate could be right. They really didn’t know what Steven knew and what he didn’t because they’d tried to keep him out of the conversation. Which meant that there was a genuine possibility that he might know something they weren’t aware of. Something he might’ve experienced on his own in their childhood and just repressed it so none of them knew about it. It was a quiet fear that they’d never known they shared, or even had, until that very moment. Trying not to dwell on it too much, at least not for now, they turned back to the Brit with matching sombre yet genuinely understanding expressions, having begun to listen and acknowledge the crying man’s points.

“What was- You don’t have to answer this- You might not even remember it but- That night with Layla. When you had the nightmare… What was it about? Layla didn’t tell me anything about it, just that it was the worst she’d seen in a while. That she actually thought it was me or Jake for a second before you started speaking.”

The Brit looked towards Marc in surprise at the revelation, the past betrayal he’d briefly felt against Layla being completely washed away at the realisation she’d really only told her husband the bare framework. Just enough to fill him in on the situation and get the ball rolling. It was a feeling quickly squashed by the dread that appeared at the thought of talking about the nightmare. A new found fear that he might be telling them something they didn’t know about. He could suddenly understand why they had been reluctant to include him in these types of conversations. Why both men were still so guarded, even to each other, when it came to the trauma they shared and spoke about if they spoke about it at all.

But he’d always been the one to say they should talk about it. He’d literally just made an entire little speech about how they should include him when talking about this stuff. If anything, this would be an olive branch. To consolidate that Steven shouldn’t be excluded, not that he needed to give a reason to prove his point. He didn’t have to share if he really didn’t want to. The three of them understood that things like this shouldn’t be pushed. Shouldn’t be forced. Enough of their shared lives had been forced and taken out of their control so, as a baseline of respect, they always gave that choice to say no and back out at any time. Which is why Steven felt safe enough to make the choice to tell them.

“It was about mum. I’m assuming they usually are.” He pauses to read the pair’s expression, feeling slightly discouraged as they huffed sad laughs in agreement but also like there was a new found solidarity with even just a small half joke like that. “We were in the car. I don’t remember a lot of it to be fair, It was quite a bit ago. She started shouting things at me, starting screaming. Started to speed up. Started to swerve the car in the road. Started to scream about crashing and getting rid of us both, let go of the wheel and I just remember the fear and the panic and just the realisation that I was about to die. I thought I was going to die right there. Thought that was it. That if the crash didn’t kill me it was going to be my heart exploding right out of my chest because I couldn’t breathe and I was crying too much.” His expression turned to a devastating revulsion as more tears streamed down his face, a brief sob getting trapped in his throat before he continued to talk. “I don’t remember most of it but the one thing I can remember thinking the clearest was how worried I was that she would get in trouble for her driving. I was convinced I was about to die, and I was still worrying about her and what would happen to her if someone saw her driving like that- She tried to kill me- Kill us- And I was thinking about her fucking reputation- What the fuck is wrong with me- Why did I- I couldn’t- I don’t know- How could I-”

By the time Steven started to reach the end of his recount of the nightmare, he was clearly working himself up into a frantic state. The pair watched worriedly as their headmate started to breathe heavier and heavier, spiralling into the start of a panic attack. In an attempt to prevent it before it got any worse, they moved closer to him. Marc started quietly mumbling hushed reassurances, knowing exactly how painful it was to still love the person that had put them through more than any child should have to bear. On the other hand, Jake decided to pass Steven’s plushie to him and drape a blanket over the man’s shoulders to add a comforting bit of pressure in the hopes of grounding him. He didn’t share the connection to Wendy that the other two men did. Saw her as nothing more than the woman that made their lives a living hell. In his eyes she was even less connected to him than a stranger. Maybe when they were younger he might’ve felt something different, but he grew out of that as soon as he could. While Marc tried to reassure the Brit with a unique understanding that they were both extremely familiar with, he moved over to the space that had been designated as their living room and started to move around doing his own thing. As he did so, he picked up on their close but distant conversation.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Steven. There will never be anything bad about the fact that you are so capable of loving people.”

“The things she- It’s not- It’s sick that I still-”

“She’s our mom. All of the bad outweighs the good by tenfold, but that doesn’t mean that we can just forget about all of the good. It would be easier if it was all bad. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with this. But you are not at fault for being human and still loving the good things about her. The good things that we experienced.”

“It hurts so much- Why did she have to-”

“I don’t know, Steven. I don’t know.”

Jake quickly glanced over as he heard their interaction tamper down in volume to see them holding each other, clinging to one another like a lifeline. He was never one for physical contact, not really. That's what happens when you’re brought into a life that so sorely lacks it. Its hard to miss what you’ve never really had, and that’s why even when given the option in the past he’d never really accepted it. The few times he had had been damn near crushing when it was over. Any other physical contact was never good news, and it was never a choice. But as he looked at the two men, he almost felt a longing to be included. To walk over there and hug the pair. He couldn’t tell if it was fully for their benefit, or if there was an almost selfish ulterior motive for himself as well though. He looked down to the pillows in his hands and started to speed up the process of finishing his idea, placing them in the spot he deemed to be the best and shift one of the blankets to the side.

A few more minutes passed before Steven had started to calm down, a wave of exhaustion washing over him as his tears slowed to a stop. Marc’s arms stayed wrapped firmly around him, sniffling slightly as the Brit realised his counterpart had at some point also started crying alongside him. He squeezed the man tighter for a moment, a brief reassurance to him that Steven was there for him as well. That they weren’t going to suffer with this alone. It was then that he also realised the distinct lack of their third headmate, the man having seemingly disappeared from their close proximity. With a fleeting moment of panic, his head jerked up to cast a look around the visible areas of the flat to find him. Marc pulled back with a confused face before arriving on the same train of thought and joining his short search, their shared worries quickly subsiding as they saw the man looking over at them with an amused but warm smile and motioning for them to go over to him.

Groaning slightly at the strain in his joints, Marc used Steven as a bit of leverage to pull himself upwards from his uncomfortable kneeling position on the floor. He wrapped an arm around the man’s torso lightly without a word, pulling him close as they moved to walk over towards Jake. He softly tried to secure the blanket around the Brit’s shoulders as they made their way towards him to stop it from falling onto the floor. The man had put his plain, dark flat cap back on and was trying to hide the half proud, half nervous look on his face as he stared over to the sofa and back at the two men to watch their reaction closely.

Somehow, in the time that Marc had managed to calm down Steven and simultaneously have his own emotional breakdown after seeing so much of his own inner struggles in Steven, Jake had managed to rearrange the furniture and construct a makeshift fort from blankets and pillows. It was clearly rushed, but still surprisingly well built with a sturdy structure. He’d even used the duvet and pillows from their bed. Small battery powered tea lights were dotted around the outsides, as well as a few on the inside, that somehow gave it a warmer feeling. It was a perfect haven that faced the television that hummed with life, the images on the screen gently shifting with a low volume to accompany them. Connected to the television via an old DVD player they'd recently found was one of Steven’s comfort films: Matilda. The pair faltered in their step at the sight of it all. At the safety that just radiated from the space that Jake had created for them all.

The man in question’s face contorted slightly into a rarely displayed uncertainty, a worry that the other men didn’t like it. It wasn’t often that Jake really doubted himself. There was never really time for that, never a room for error when the majority of his past life experiences had been born out of a final surge of pure instinct to survive. So when he couldn’t read the pair’s expressions, only seeing the tears and exhaustion from moments earlier, as well as the shock on their faces at the sight, he started to shift nervously from one foot to the other. He wasn’t good at physical affection, wasn’t the best at words of reassurance, especially when the subject matter was an incredibly personal and unique feeling that he wasn’t quite aligned with. He’d always heard the expression ‘actions speak louder than words’ and in that moment he was desperately hoping that his actions said the things he wanted to tell the other men. So when he saw the smiles that broke out onto their faces, he couldn’t help but earnestly mirroring it back at them.

Without any words being exchanged, they all moved to situate themselves in the centre of the fort, Steven in the middle being flanked comfortably by his headmates. Jake reached to turn the volume up just ever so slightly, so they wouldn’t be stuck just reading the captions alone. They all shuffled comfortably under the blankets, the Brit almost fully covered while the Americans stuck at least one or two limbs out from beneath the material to avoid feeling too overheated or trapped. The film continued to play as the three situated themselves in a close pile, Marc holding and leaning into Steven while Steven threw an arm over his and leaned into Jake’s side. Expectantly, he looked up at the cab driver before smiling, clearly pleased with himself as Jake threw an arm around him that reached over to Marc as well. It took a few moments for Jake to relax but eventually the tension bled from him as he leaned into Steven’s side as well. He traded a quick glance over the Brit’s head towards Marc and saw the man looking equally content with the situation and how it had played out.

As the film progressed, the three of them gradually started to feel themselves drift off into varying levels of sleep. Steven had been the first to nod off, barely making it more than fifteen minutes before the comfort of the two men either side of him combined with the exhaustion of bearing his soul caught up with him and lulled him into unconsciousness. Marc, having also not escaped the weariness that came as a side effect of heavy crying and emotional fatigue, drifted asleep about five minutes after Steven had. Jake on the other hand had kept awake until the credits to the film started playing, splitting his attention between the plot of the movie and watching over the two men sleeping beside him. Slowly, he reached to grab the remote, desperately trying to avoid waking up the other men as he clicked onto the menu screen and clicked the play button to restart it. He could understand why Steven liked the film.

#moon knight #moon knight system #moon knight fanfic #steven grant #marc spector #jake lockley #layla el faouly #my fic #writing #ao3 #hurt/comfort

[pinkforwinter]

Could you possibly do a band AU? Or like a famous Y/n with John Doe being a huge fan?

Of course! Also I'M BACK. A loooot has happened since the last time I posted and I haven't even been able to write until today. I'm hoping I haven't gotten too rusty in my long hiatus.

Warnings: None.

John Doe being a huge fan of famous!reader.

He first heard of you when you were in a band with your former friends.

John heard of your band through Claire who had accidentally stumbled upon your practice videos online.

At first he wasn't interested. The genre you played wasn't the kind of music he likes to listen to but he had to admit even then you had a nice singing voice.

He thinks nothing of you until he hears your band had broken up just shortly before he gets expelled from New Bostin High. He has better things to do with his time so he once again thinks nothing of it and forgets about you.

Until his first year in Wellston that is.

It was shortly before he met Seraphina that he saw you on the news and recognized you instantly. You were a rising sensation, becoming more famous by the day for your new hit single, a song about the betrayal you felt by your old friends for throwing you away.

John listens to it once out of curiosity and is hooked instantly. It hits him in a way he can't even describe and before he knows it he's obsessed. He listens to it everytime he starts feeling overwhelmed and takes solace in your voice.

You drop an album a month later and John is ready the day before, has the website up and ready to be refreshed so he can get his hands on a copy before the scalpers can take them all. But alas, his classmates decided the cripple was getting a little too cocky and decided to knock him down a peg. He completely misses the album release by multiple hours and its sold out when he checks it. John is upset but figures he'll get another chance.

That chance comes when you host a meet and greet down a couple streets from his apartment.

John is jittery with excitement when he walks into the cafe. The crowd is small but with every crowd comes a couple of troublemakers. This one happened to have your old band mates, who were very upset you had catapulted to stardom while they were still stuck on the bottom.

When you step out, they immediately start heckling and jeering at you and the sight of your horrified face is enough to get John to step in.

They are definitely not pleased to be confronted by a cripple. When they start to get violent with him, John is sure that he'll have to flee... then you step in. You singlehandedly sweep your old bandmates and coldly kick them out for daring to attack one of your fans. John will never forget what you said next.

"Cripple or King, it doesn't matter. Music is supposed to bring us together not tear us apart. He has just as much right to be here as anyone else."

And just like that you got yourself a fan for life.

When you learn he hadn't been able to get an album you give him one of your own copies. John cherishes it and has a special spot for it in his house.

He gets Seraphina into you so she too will support you. Your music quickly becomes a special thing for the two of them.

Buys your merch, albums and anything he can get his hands on. He will also watch any show or movie you decide to be in. Though watch out, just because he's your number one fan doesn't mean he won't comment on how strange or bad it is.

All in all, John looks up to you and has nothing but the best wishes for you. He's a great fan.

#john doe #john doe x reader #x reader #reader insert #unordinary #webtoon #manhwa

[thejockout]

So I’m pretty smart and non-confrontational but stand my ground when necessary, yet it can be stressful and when I’m off work and just having fun I would like to be a himbo. Also while I like having what I want clear, I find the idea of being a sub really hot. Is there any way to have it both ways? Can I be the intelligent professional and also the sexy, happy himbo when I just want to stop thinking and have fun? And should I call you sir?

Short answer: yes to the professional/dumb duality, and "if you wanna" to the Sir thing, but I can tell you do want to.

Longer answer: It's early and I haven't been up long, so be warned this isn't going to be the most eloquent response in the world. Howeverrr. To make things easy, my stance is that the risks of 'dumbing' in hypnosis are hugely overblown by subs (including myself once upon a time) and represent a misunderstanding of how causing such an effect could actually be done. To be perfectly honest, if all the depth a hypnotist gives their dumbing is to put you in a trance and tell you over and over again that you're an idiot or that you love making mistakes, etc etc, you have nothing to fear from that kind of suggestion ruining your life. Are there files which represent a potentially dangerous level of dumbing? Sure. I'd probably shout out Vive's dumbing conditioning series as an example of that, where I believe that file system's engine really could have a lot of knock-on effects outside of trance.

But generally speaking, when tists like me or most other muscle/jock/himbo tf boys talk about dumbing, it's either done in so abstract a sense that it's up to the sub to decide what dumb actually means to them, or it's explicitly clarified to be more about becoming laid back, not giving a shit, etc. than it is actually 'losing intelligence' or something.

And to be honest, even that concept is so vague it's hard to make firm statements on - what does 'losing intelligence' mean, in a specific sense? Does it mean flubbing your words, changing your hobbies, losing the power to count past ten...? Everyone's going to have a different answer. But for my money, I believe THAT kind of dumbing to be the more unattainable kind. It can be achieved by hypnotic conditioning, but conditioning always fades with time, and the level of work required to keep someone in that state is just too much. (Sleepingirl's "The Brainwashing Book" covers a lot of this in more detail.)

SO.

All this is to say that in my dichotomy, the question isn't "can you be a drooling moron for half the day and a regular, competent person the other half?" Instead, it's more "can you be dumber, codeword less in your head and less inhibited by shame and higher thought, in specific circumstances and retain your normal self-awareness in others?" And the answer to that one is definitely yes. I'm not going to dig into how that'd be done right now because I've written enough and that wasn't your question, but hopefully this answered... something.

Basically man, you can do what you want. The only limits with this kinda thing, beyond common sense ones, are the ones you imagine for yourself. I mean, if nothing else, hypnotic triggers exist and can be very effective; why shouldn't you be able use some to be dumb sometimes and not at others?

(Also, as for whether you can sub while having a clear idea of what you want and needing that to be respected... yes, you can. And you should. That's just having good boundaries. You should never submit without knowing that ultimately, even in a domsub dynamic, you are PLAYING the role of a submissive/inferior and the truth is that you both get equal say in what happens.)

#dumbing #asks #hypnokink

[desert-fern]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

I was tagged by the very sweet @fayes-fics (who writes some of the best Bridgerton fics I have read). Thank you for the tag on my side blog! 💕💕

How many works do you have on AO3?

Just one. It's a Bucky oneshot and I am trying to collect my shit to post my only series (A Gun Amongst Daggers) on there soon.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? / Tumblr word count?

2,210. Like I said, just a bitty oneshot on AO3

On Tumblr? Approximately 138 800 words.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now? Just TGM, but I have been known to write some Marvel/Avengers fics

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos/notes?

Because I only have one fic on AO3, I'm just going to do Tumblr notes

AGAD Part 1 (The Seal in the Bar) - 1,344

A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day - 879

The Walls are Caving In - 833

AGAD Part 2 (Goddamn Pilots) - 693

Roll With the Punches - 616

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do my best to get to every comment that gets sent my way and if I don't reply, I always read them. I love being able to connect with the readers and their kind words mean the world to me!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

With what I currently have out? Probably This Love is Fireproof; it's not really all that angsty but I wrote it as a way to process my feelings around a wildfire burning near my home, so the ending is kind of open. Otherwise my angstiest fic isn't out yet, it's been a WIP for months now 😅

7. What is the fic you wrote with the fluffiest ending?

All of them? Ring Around my Rosie and I Just Need a Hug came to mind immediately, but I'm sure most of my work can fall into this category.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really. I've had one anon telling me that I was selling out by writing a WWII au (which is just living in plot-landia right now), and I have had a few confrontations with anons in my inbox saying some awful things about a good friend, but most of the time I try to keep it chill. If someone has an issue, DMing me is the best course of action because I want to handle things like an adult.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

If you know me, you know that the answer is no. I much prefer fluffy to smutty, but I have written it once or twice as a part of AGAD. I'm still practicing lol

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't ventured in that direction just yet. Maybe in the future, but they aren't really my thing.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Once. I had a copycat rip off A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, to the point where the title was a bunch of synonyms for mine. Some of it was changed, but yeah. It was taken down, thankfully, but I'm always wary of it now.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No. Never. I'm not all that well known in my fandoms for writing, so I haven't ever been approached with an offer like that.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Not in so many words. I am working with @footprintsinthesxnd on my WWII AU right now, she's been so generous as to offer her help with research, but I don't think I can call that co-writing, unfortunately.

I'd be interested in attempting one, if an opportunity ever presented itself.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

I have too many! But probably Stucky, those two got me through some tough times lol

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Umm... this one I have where Jake gets his callsign of Hangman. It's also my angsty ending one and I think I need to go back to the drawing board on it. It's as of right now, started but unfinished, but I think that I can maybe slam it out. Just depends on the timing of everything.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Not a clue. I'm leaning towards really well-rounded and developed characters but I think I should leave that up to my readers.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Umm... smut. Which makes sense to me as I literally have nothing to draw from other than what I read and maybe scene descriptions. I feel I describe the scenes the same way and use the same words over and over, but maybe that's just me.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I haven't actually found a way that I feel does the language justice. I would totally add some French into a fic if I felt it was needed (its the only other language that I am fluent in, so that's why). Other times, I'm relying on Google Translate so I will usually just stick to English.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Percy Jackson back when I was 13. I wrote a few things over on Fanfiction.net and read shit that I should not have lol

20. Favorite fic you've written?

I love them all, but it has to be A Gun Amongst Daggers without a doubt. I poured 10 months of work into this fic and the characters will forever be a part of me. It is also the first series that I have ever finished, so I have so much love for this work of mine.

No Pressure tags: @startrekfangirl2233 @sarahsmi13s @blue-aconite @horseshoegirl @teacupsandtopgun @dakotakazansky @footprintsinthesxnd @chvoswxtch @madwomansapologist @entishramblings @auroralightsthesky and anyone else who sat through this whole long ass thing!

#fern rambles #tagging the houseplant #fic writer questions

[onlyonetifosi]

I want you back

-> Does she really hates him for what he did?

-> Word Count: 970

->Author note: another childhoold love lol <3 English is not my first language so sorry for mistakes

Max Verstappen's story is one that is both heartwarming and heartbreaking. The young driver has had a tough life, but he's always had his friends by his side.

Less his childhood best friend who he pushed apart because she came from a poor background, what happens if she starts working for Red Bull? This creates a rift between the two friends, but as they say, there is always room for redemption. Will Max be able to mend fences with his old friend? Or will their differences continue to drive them apart?

-What are you doing here?- He growls at her, who was editing photos in her laptop after been contrated by red bull as the team's social media manager .

-I'm doing my job, what about you?- She retorts, who's also covering the event for the social media of red bull. Max is clearly bothered by her presence and his words are more harsh than he intended them to be. He knows he was scolding an innocent person, but it's all triggered by the memories of their past.

Lara had a rough childhood where money was tight and they don't have much of anything. Her mum, who worked in a local grocery store can't make ends meet, so most of the time they go hungry. The only time when they're not starving is when Lara's mom manages to bring some food home after her shifts. When they grow up to be teenagers, Lara gets a job at McDonald's while Max dreams of becoming a Formula 1 driver. This means that she has to stop going to school to support her family, while Max attends a prestigious driving academy which costs more than what she makes in two months of work combined.

As expected, their worlds become apart as Lara becomes resentful towards him for being born into a wealthy family while she has to suffer every day just to put food on the table. The worst part is that he doesn't even seem to care about how hard her life is since his parents are always there for him with whatever he desires. One day, Max finally snaps and confront her about how unfair she's been treating him and their friendship ends there. They don't talk to each other for years until they both end up working in Formula 1. By then, Max has already forgiven her but he knows that it will take more time for her to do the same. However, he never expects that she will also be working for Red Bull as well! The thing is, she doesn't know that he did and he doesn't intend to ever tell her. The reason being that he knows she's still not over what happened between them and if she knew it was him, she wouldn't forgive him either.

-I can see that- he says clearly annoyed at her tone.- I refer what are you doing here in red bull. -So what if I'm working for Red Bull? It's not like it's a secret or anything. -Lara says trying to sound casual but she can't help but wonder why he's being so cold towards her. -Of course it isn't. It's just that I never expected to see you here, that's all. -he says quickly before Lara is turning her attention back to her work. Max is about to say something but decides against it and walks away.

He knows there's no point in trying to talk to her when she's acting like this.

A few weeks later, Max is in his car on the way to the Red Bull factory when he gets a call from his sister. He knows she's been trying to set him up with her friend for weeks now but he's been avoiding it. He doesn't want to date anyone right now, especially not someone his sister has chosen for him. However, she's persistent and he knows that if he doesn't do something, she'll keep bugging him about it. -Hey, Max. I just wanted to remind you about my friend Sarah. You know, the one I've been trying to set you up with? -Yeah, I know who you're talking about. -But you haven't even met her yet! -I don't want to meet her, okay? I'm not interested in dating anyone right now. -Why not? It's been two years since your ex-girlfriend dumped you and you haven't even looked at another girl since then. -I'm just not ready yet, alright? -Fine, don't date Sarah then but at least meet her. She's really nice and I think you two would get along great. -Fine, I'll meet her but that's it. I'm not promising anything more than that. -Great! I'll let her know and we'll meet you at the café near your apartment tonight at 7:00 pm. See you then! He hangs up the phone and sighs deeply. He knows his sister means well but he can't help but feel annoyed by her constant attempts to set him up with someone new. He knows she just wants him to be happy but he doesn't want to date anyone right now. He loved his ex-girlfriend very much and he can't imagine being with anyone else right now.

He arrives at the Red Bull factory and parks his car in the parking lot. She sees Verstappen walking towards him and wonders what he's doing here so early in the morning.-Hey, Max.- Verstappen greets her with a smile.- What are you doing here so early?-I could ask you the same question.- Max replies as they walk inside the building together.-I just wanted to get an early start on things.- She says casually.-You're always so dedicated to your work.-I have to be if I want to be the best.- Max replies with a shrug.-I guess that's one of the things we have in common.- Lara says with a smile.-Yeah, I guess it is.- Max replies as they stop in front of their respective offices.-Well, I'll see you later.-Yeah, see you.- Max says as he watches her walk away before going into his own office and starting his day.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next race was Zandvoort, his home race so he was going to his childhood home for the week.

-Hoi mam, ik ben thuis (hi mom,im home) - he yells when he enters through the front door.

-Mijn jongen hoe knap je eruit ziet (Hello baby, how handsome you look) - she says with a smile.

-Lara's mum called, she is in red bull in media, have you seen her?- neither of them told their mum's that they didn't talked anymore. -No, I haven't.- he says while they walk to the kitchen where dinner was ready.

When he walks into the garage on Sunday morning Max sees Lara with Helmut and Christian talking about something.He sees her smile and laugh and keeps looking at her completely mesmerized by what she does to him without even knowing it when she's not even trying to make him feel like that., Max.- Christian yells as he pushes Max towards Lara who just started laughing again. -Nice save.- she teases as her eyes meet Max's for a moment before looking away from him quickly, holding his breath as she does it too and hands him the sheet of paper before turning around again.She wanted to turn around just one last time but if he sees her do that she knows what will happen next so instead she walks away leaving Max standing there alone watching after her..- Helmut asks after a minute when Max still doesn't say anything or follow them back inside so they can get ready for qualifying which was in 45 minutes. It was always hard for him focusing on races because right now all he could think about was that girl walking away from him, leaving him wanting more.

It was hate between them or there was something more behind the facade. He was afraid to find out what it was, though. He has been burned before and he was trying to gain her back, at least to be back friends again.

Zandvoort was insane with the orange army there so Max was estatic and he won the race. After all the post-race interviews, he went to find her to admit why he did what he did that years ago.

"I'm sorry for what I did," he said. "I was an idiot and I was trying to get your attention. I was jealous of your boyfriend and I wanted to get back at you. I was stupid and immature and I hope you can forgive me." She looked at him, her eyes full of tears. "Of course I forgive you," she said. "I've been wanting to talk to you for years but I was too scared and hurt. I'm sorry for what I did too."

They hugged each other tightly, both of them crying. They finally had closure and they could move on with their lives. “I want you to came to Monaco with me, to a date” -He offers - "I would love that"- she admits- it's been rough this years without you. " She smiled and they went home to start packing for their trip.

"Ik houd van je schatje" "ik hou ook van jou " (I love you baby/ I love you too)

Finally, they were getting the happy ending they deserved.

#max verstappen fanfic #max verstappen x reader #max verstappen imagine #max verstappen #f1 blurb #f1 drivers x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #f1 imagine

[0aurelion-sol0]

In just those 3 pages of this preview for the new ST comic, I have been more invested in El's character and story than I ever have in 3 seasons. (I haven't been able to find a way to read this comic yet so I only have this preview.)

One of my main problems with ST3 and ST in general, it's that we force El to be this savior-like entity or the only one who can do anything literally everytime she is somewhere on screen, for no real reasons sometimes and that's all she remains. Or in short reduced to her powers. Even when she lost her powers, we were forced to expect, somehow that she will somehow do something that will fix everything. The only thing she did is save herself by saving Billy but in the end this event was the closest thing you could call to a defeat in ST for everyone since Billy died and Hopper "died", Russians escaped and the gang had to seperate in the end.

In season 1, there was a reason why as it was her own way to "redeem herself" for opening the gate, at least that's what she thought even if it's wasn't her fault at all.

In season 2, she wasn't there and she only came back towards the end to close the Gate. Which came out of a collective effort to find that information through Will. Which yes, she was the only that could do that at the time but this ended in the others forced to do nothing for no real reason until they had the good idea to try to distract the Demodogs from attacking El and Hopper.

But in the end, this sort of thinking (I guess ?) isn't very much right or accurate because El has only really saved the world one time because the Demogorgon could have easily been killed by other stuff (she saved her friends but it's not an ending world threat type of of scenario) while the MF, an army of Demodogs, tunnels and a giant gate actually is.

We barely really have any thoughts on what this fighting does to her, it's there sometimes but it's either too subtle, ignored or shoved in the background because we don't have time to really get into it. Even in season 2 where we dug deeper into her backstory and some of the effect it had on her, her encounter with the Demogorgon and almost DYING is never really talked about.

So when FINALLY we get into it, still in a side comic book may I add, I can't be anything else than happy.

What does pushing herself in the action does to her ? What does getting face to face to these monsters does to her ? What are the wounds she carries ? What does she think of what she experienced ?

By making her just a stone cold hardcore badass savior-like character, we forget sometimes the personal and emotional aspect of her character despite being just a little girl who should by now not be thrown into such situations.

And with this comic we can clearly see what it does to her, she is just as terrified even exhausted of being confronted to those monsters. (Plus creates a parallel and a contrast with Will which is also very interesting.)

In the end, despite her powers, she is just a teenage girl who barely had a stable or "normal" life since forever. Despite being able to fight and go against those monsters, inside she doesn't want to face them. (Which reminds me a bit of what I said about what Millie's acting conveys in 3x06 and how that relates to El's wants, perception and the world she has been living in.) Plus merging that and comparing it with the way she lives and reacts to the "real" world, it's just (mwah!).

It's like being pushed into an abyss more and more because you have the means to handle it but in the end it doesn't really go well because you don't want it anymore despite how capable you might be. (Kinda reminds me a bit of Carol's arc in TWD in the second half of season 6 and season 7.)

That's interesting. That's nice. I want this. Where was this in season 2 and 3 ?! Or at least why wasn't this more explored ?! This is actually interesting, I'm on my season 2 El type of hype again, thanks to this.

I really hope this is an actual taste of her storyline or type of storylines we are getting into in season 4 because this actually looks good. If I ever watch season 4 and this is the type of stuff we get into with El, I'll be very much happy and go all in. This is the type of stuff I want.

Plus maybe a tease of what type of interactions that exists between the Byers and El in S4 and it is indeed quite interesting if that's what that's they're going for next season. 👀

#stranger things #el hopper #el byers #will byers #jonathan byers #the upside down #the mindflayer #the mind flayer #the shadow monster #the meat flayer #comics stranger things #comic stranger things #dark horse comics stranger things #stranger things comics #stranger things comic #stranger things dark horse comics

[brzatto]

Hello again! Since I started watching season 2 of the bear I've been building up some thoughts regarding the overarching plot and characterisation. I haven't been able to share my ramblings with anyone else, so I hope it's ok to share them with you. It's been a while since I've been this disappointed by the direction a show has taken. :(

I mentioned before on one of your posts that I saw Carmy as asexual, or at least not seeking a physical or romantic relationship with women. In season 1 I was so happy that Sydney was kept as a colleague/friend, which carries into season 2. I was legitimately hopeful to get just one show where the main character doesn't have a contrived romance storyline. I feel they always just derail the main plot for meaningless character interactions with terrible dialogue, with male and female characters never being allowed to just be friends. When Claire was introduced I audibly GROANED. Manic pixie dream girl has entered the chat.

The scene in episode 6 where Richie and Mikey are saying how in love Carmy is with Claire, how amazing she is, how hot she is—it felt like they were trying to convince me and not Carmy. You and others have said before how Claire just exists to be a love interest, and every scene with her does nothing except try (desperately) to solidify that. I feel like I'm being repeatedly beaten with a bat that has "Claire is nice so you should like her" written on it. The scene where Richie is legitimately upset that he messed up the generator and is worried Carmy will dismiss him—why was Claire laughing at that? I thought she was meant to be nice? That's what every character keeps telling me... Every scene with her drags, every character that mentions her name suddenly causes the scene to shift to focusing on Claire. It's like Claire is the centre of the universe and is pulling in and crushing everything with her gravitational pull.

When Carmy kissed Claire in episode 5 it made me lose hope for his characterisation. It was like I was instead watching JAW's character from Shameless. All nuance thrown out the window for a rushed relationship with no chemistry. His journey to heal from his traumas and come to terms with Mikey's death sidelined to make way for boring shot reverse shot talking scenes with Claire. Carmy doing restaurant business? Nah, let's watch him and Claire have some boring dialogue during a car journey.

Hater mode activated: Claire as a character is boring, shallow, and only added because "hur dur boy must like girl". Despite what her character was supposedly introduced for, I think her introduction just caused season 2 to waste time on meaningless fluff that actively made other characters worse by association.

I have 3 episodes left to watch but I'm feeling pretty low about this season. I shouldn't have expected an asexual main character because I just set myself up for disappointment, but the bear really had me thinking it wouldn't do something this lame. I'm still carmrichie for life though, your fics are keeping me hanging on. Sorry for such a long and depressing ramble in your inbox. ❤️

P.S. The scene with Richie and Mikey confronting Carmy in episode 6 really gave me vibes of Carmy being closeted and feeling pressured about his friendship with a girl (similar to what you previously said about the monologue in s1e8). I also got vibes of Richie trying to hide his own insecurities with women by being vulgar in this scene.

hi! <3

if i’m being honest i agree about everything :/ and i hate saying that this show’s disappointed me because all of my friends know just how much this show means to me and the steel grip it’s had on my brain for the past year since the first season first came out… i feel like i’m partially the problem because my expectations were probably too high + the shift between s1 and s2 was very drastic and i’m honestly not a huge fan of change either. i’m not sure exactly what i expected from s2 but the demo and remodeling of the beef felt very rushed to me… like the restaurant was undergoing very significant changes but all of that felt like it was put on the backburner in favor of focusing on the characters. and obviously a show will focus more on individual character storylines than settings (and i actually did really enjoy some of the growth we got for our side characters, sydney marcus tina and richie’s episodes were all amazing and i loved that sugar’s presence was much more prominent this season) but like you said the claire plotline with carmy felt very out of place and ooc… it just felt extremely weird for carmy’s character to make this jump from s1 where we see all the emotional trauma he still suffers from being so attached to mikey, how he uses the beef as a distraction for his grief but obviously those two things are deeply intertwined for him and by obsessing over the beef day and night carmy still remains entrenched in mikey by extension—there’s still so much about carmy’s trauma in relation to mikey that’s been left unaddressed and imo he still largely lacks closure and i was expecting that to be fleshed out properly in s2 but instead he spent all of it being infatuated with a girl we were introduced to for the very first time this season.

can i say something actually. ik the creators and both jaw and ayo have all said that there won’t be any romance between carmy and sydney but i feel like they actually will be endgame and the creators are just trying to throw fans off so they won’t expect it LMAO or at the very least the way the writers have set up the storyline leaves it open as an option if they do change their minds and decide to go that route eventually. i’ve said before that i don’t ship them but i think there is a genuine and undeniable bond between carmy and sydney, although i enjoy their relationship platonically their dynamic and relationship has waaayy more depth than whatever carmy and claire are supposed to have going on… and i hate disliking female characters for being bland and stale because 9 times out of 10 it’s never their fault that they’re written that way, but seeing how realistic, grounded and likable our other female characters are (sydney, natalie, tina) it feels like there’s less of an excuse for her to be that way. she feels like a generic self insert pulled out of a x reader fanfic 😭 i immediately got the romantic vibe from her and carmy even from the season trailer but seeing what we’ve been told about carmy’s character i was sincerely hoping that i was misinterpreting it and she was just his cousin or something lmfsodoajaoaj and it felt so cheap and tacky for them to pull the “actually she’s his estranged childhood friend and he’s always had a crush on her!” card in e6. i also agree with what you said about that conversation sounding like carmy being closeted while richie and mikey tease him… also was kind of put off by the way they were talking about her tbh especially considering the fact she’s supposed to be carmy’s age and we know they’re both significantly older? i’ve also actually never considered interpreting it as richie overcompensating in that scene since he was still with tiff at the time (who i actually loved… i have my beef with carmy and claire but i would stand by tiff and richie until the end of time actually) but now that you mention it i think that makes sense too… much to think about

i can’t remember if i’ve said this before in another post but i also really disliked how love triangley they framed all of sydney’s interactions with carmy in relation to claire… i understood the purpose of other characters instilling this seed of doubt in her about her partnership with carmy and whether or not she was capable of trusting him, really trusting him, but i feel like there were multiple moments of unnecessary tension between the three of them and like you said, i’m so tired of contrived romance subplots in shows where there’s a female and male lead. i love carmy and sydney as individual characters but the possibility of their relationship being romantic just genuinely does not compute with me in my brain… that being said though it genuinely was very wild to me that everyone involved in the show made it clear on multiple occasions that there was no intention of sydney and carmy’s relationship going in that direction, just for them to introduce some random white girl this season just to give carmy a love interest. like? this season was longer than the first one and they still weren’t able to flesh out carmy and claire’s relationship and dynamic the way they did with him and sydney in s1, they felt so incredibly rushed and it was ABSURD to me when carmy openly admitted to liking and even loving her because those are things that feel like they should be so monumental for someone like him, who is supposed to be emotionally traumatized and romantically inexperienced—it was honestly strange to me hearing him tell even richie that he loved him and you know how i feel about them so. anyways you pretty much summed up my feelings towards claire and her plotline perfectly, and i genuinely wish that weren’t the case but i feel like that plays a part in why i find myself so incapable of rewatching this season t_t and i know objectively the point of the plotline was to show that carmy actually isn’t at a place in his life where he’s capable of maintaining a healthy romantic relationship/balancing it with his work but it still just felt strange to derail from the whole grief theme/mikey plotline for that when i was expecting them to delve even deeper into that this season instead.

i’m assuming you’ve finished the season since sending me this—just in case you haven’t i’ll refrain from talking about anything else that might spoil you but i will say that the one thing they absolutely did correct this season was e7. i’ve been dying for a richie centric episode and that gave me everything i could’ve asked for, it was so so gratifying seeing richie find his niche like that and i’m so excited to see what else the series has in store for him. this season wasn’t all bad but i was admittedly disappointed by a few things—nevertheless all that being said i did actually genuinely enjoy how the season ended and where it left off; that felt a lot more like s1 to me and i’m eager to see how they’ll pick things back up between carmy and richie specifically next season… hopefully s2 is just a product of middle child syndrome and s3 will blow us out of the water

#sorry for answering this late i’ve been crazy busy lately and i was waiting for the chance to sit down and reply to this properly 😵‍💫 #and of course i don’t mind! i love getting long messages in my inbox tbh #thank you for sharing your thoughts with me 🤍🤍 #been meaning to give my thoughts on carmy and richie’s interactions this season as well… that’ll come later #ask

[liebgottsjumpwings]

if you haven't got these yet i would love to know:

rhonda: future, mask and wound

faye: monster, midnight and hide

Aaaah thank you!!!! These are all such interesting questions!

RHONA

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility? To Rhona, the worst possible future would be... death. She is very aware of such an outcome when she goes up in that plane during missions. And because of that, she takes every step possible to avoid that outcome. But that is hard when you barely have control over the situation. One flak explosion in the wrong place can already mean her end.

Mask: Does your OC wear a mask, literally or figuratively? What goes on beneath it? Is there anyone in their life who gets to see who they are under the mask? Her oxygen mask... tehee. No but, Rhona wears her heart on her sleeve, expression wise. You are 100% able to read from her facial expressions, what exactly she thinks of something. It doesn't mean she will verbally elaborate most of the time, though! If you press her long enough, and she trusts you, she eventually will if you really want to know. That circle of people is very small, however.

Wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced? Rhona is a big girl and the Mayor of Sucking It Upville. She won't keep her physical wounds a secret because she knows that getting them treated is vital to her survival and physical health (and getting an infection from an untreated wound grosses her out). However, you won't find her bring her wounds up again after getting them looked at. If you ask her what her pain level is, she'll never give you an answer above 4, even if it is a solid 7-8. Mental wounds? She bottles those up, pretty much until the bottle overflows. And even then, she refuses to admit to herself that they exist. She can't face it. Poor Rhona, I will give her the biggest hug of all hugs. I think the worst wound she's ever experienced was the death of her mother. She was young at the time, but that wound never closed. It influences almost everything she does nowadays.

FAYE

Monster: Is your OC monstrous in any way? Is there something that makes them monstrous? Are they aware of their own monstrosity? Do they accept it or reject it? I am inclined to say yes. But it is justified. She wants to see justice happen to the people that have brought down her friends and fellow resistance members. However, during the years of the war, she doesn't think it will realistically happen. This causes her thoughts about those people to get quite... violent. She doesn't tell anyone this, but it also makes sense to her. They are the cause of all the pain that has been inflicted upon her and those who she loves. It is only natural to her that she fantasizes about that kind of revenge when conventional justice is (for now) out of the question. Eventually, though, I think she has to start confronting these thoughts; they're not healthy, the war is over, people will be brought to justice. I think it will always linger a little bit with her though.

Midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping? I have answered this one here!

Hide: What does your OC hide? Why do they hide it? Her (recent) past. Upon arriving at Thorpe Abbotts, Faye has decided that the first two and a half years of the war and hers and hers only. She has no problem completely lying about her past experiences to not tell anyone her actual experience. She is ashamed, still in pain and furious at her past. She doesn't want to burden anyone with it and also doesn't want to confront it in that way.

#oc: faye #oc: rhona

[lazyscience]

Full disclosure, I haven't read the Nimona comic so this could be an artifact of the Netflix adaptation/having to cut a lot of content to fit into a standard animated movie runtime. But while I'm super happy to see not only MLM representation in a kids' movie but treated as normal in its world, so that it can be a story about a relationship and not an Afterschool Special about Homophobia, I don't love Ballister and Goldenloin as a couple.

I don't like that Ballister is back with Goldenloin at the end of the movie like nothing happened. It's not that I want a bury-your-gays ending or that Ballister doesn't deserve a happy ending - but where is Goldenloin's character development? What has Goldenloin done to earn Ballister's trust back and demonstrate he's sorry - he maimed him and got his child killed (as far as either of them knew)?

The Director isn't the only one responsible for the sickness of their society; it's well-meaning but unquestioning privileged like Goldenloin who shore up the rot of the structure. Goldenloin, who saw the shock and horror on Ballister's face at the death of the queen but still maimed him, worked to arrest him and didn't push to see him and get his side of the story in custody, unthinkingly trusting in the fairness of a system they both already knew didn't treat commoners like Ballister the same way. Goldenloin who although he saw Ballister's swapped sword in the Director's office still wanted so badly to believe in the rightness of his system that he fought for the Director's point of view even as he saw with his own eyes how willing she was to lie and manipulate. Goldenloin, who in the epilogue smiles and points out particularly poignant drawings as if it wasn't him working as hard as he could to poison Ballister against Nimona that set off the final confrontation. that wasn't the Director, buddy. That was all you.

We get to see ONE internal freakout of his, one that he clearly hadn't resolved because he still did what the Director wanted him to do, not questioning at all the need to split people up into monsters and protectors against monsters (and JEALOUS, of a child? Of his lover universally reviled and hunted, having ONE person who was still supporting him?) He had to see the Director getting ready for a whole-ass mass murder out of SPITE to finally say "oh, yeah, you're NOT actually well-meaning but misguided, are you" - soooo much more benefit of the doubt than he gave the man he said he loved?

And after events HE helped to set in motion, when Ballister is in shock and mourning for his presumed-dead child he just ...gets to be there? I mean, even asshole Thodd got a more lasting injury and appears to be more aware of the role he played and how much thinking and work he has to do at the end (at least he looks ashamed of himself). but Goldenloin we're just supposed to be fine with, because when he's not being asked to put his career and life actually on the line he talks a good game about commoners being able to be heroes and "maybe we were wrong!" We only see him actually stand up for that once, with significantly fewer permanent consequences!

When we see Ballister backsliding on his ability to see the corruption in the system and lash out at Nimona, we ALSO see him realizing he was wrong and fighting to make amends. Ready to put Nimona before anyone else to make things right. Nimona fights, to put right the fact that her lashing out in her own rage and pain caught the people in the city between her and the Director, even though they're not innocents, considered her a monster worthy of death long before she did anything to threaten them. Do we ever see Goldenloin do anything to help Ballister that doesn't also help himself keep his own status and self-image intact?

No. No, we do not.

Goldenloin must be accurate, that must be some pretty fine D to get that much amnesia. I would have been much happier with them being together if I had seen any evidence at all that Goldenloin realized any of his culpability in events. As it stands, I feel like he's the epitome of Nice Liberal who thinks the problems are the people who are frothing bigots and doesn't realize the part he plays in allowing bigotry to continue.

I'm with Nimona. Arm-chopping is not a love language. team #GetBallisterABetterBoyfriend2K23

#nimona movie #nimona netflix #the disc horse #character meta #I do want to see how the comic handles him #this could be handled better there and this is just a problem of adaptation #ambrosius goldenloin

[palialaina]

I...

am wiped out.

What the hell was that temple????

Okay, so, Einar sent me a letter asking if I could come see him, and told me he'd picked up a signal from another galdur asking for help. He and Hekla tried to get into the place, but it was sealed down and they weren't able, so... turn to the humans time!

Holy shit.

First I had to lift the lockdown. Which means finding the places where the lockdown was engaged. There was one by Mirror Pond in Kilima, and the other two were in Bahari, and I knew that underground space near those two geysers was important for something!

Also, it felt weird to be doing something for Hekla without Jina noticing.

But anyways.

So, we get into this temple and like...

First there was this door. I talked to Einar and Hekla before we opened it, and this place isn't so much a temple as it is some sort of factory, where galdur are built! Hekla didn't remember much, but Einar did, and he thought it was odd coming back after so long.

There's a crumbling wall once we get inside, so I take my pickaxe and have a go. It... broke a lot easier than I expected, and I do, in fact, have new bruises and bruise balm from Chayne. (He gave me a look, but you know what, I've been good recently!)

And there was this stuff. A whole rail system carting parts and pieces around. I wonder if it's possible to make new galdur though? I haven't seen any other than Einar and Hekla around Kilima... If there's a whole factory for them, where are they coming out?

I had to activate several flow gates, still running on that weird 'humans only' protocol thing. But once I did, Hekla and Einar could join me, which....

Well, in retrospect, I kind of wish they hadn't.

We got to the main factory door, and no one could open it except this... weird thing. I think the Galdur in charge here made points of access instead of having a body to roam around in? Which seems... I don't know, kind of sad and lonely at the end of it.

But it took exception to Einar having more than one Oneness, and tried to factory reset my boy!

I don't fish a lot, and I don't often hang out with Einar, but he is probably the least complicated of all the villagers, and the most willing to help when I need someone to put something up high.

I freaked. Not even going to pretend I didn't. I just kind of blew through most of the factory, only stopping in a couple of places because something caught my attention

I wanted to just hug this galdur. No, they don't have life, but... Ugh. It hurts to see them like this, okay? Also, those pink beams in the back hurt, and I am never telling anyone how I got these new scars. I'll never hear the end of it...

We were finally able to confront The Gardener and interrupt the process of the reset, which... well. Did not go as well as I'd hoped. I was thinking we cut the flow access, Einar goes back to himself, but no dice. He was stuck between blank slate and old, and could restore, so I had to go reason with The Gardener about putting him back the way he was.

I don't think it really understood in the end, but... well, I read the logs that were scattered along the way, and The Gardener basically got abandoned by its creator when they got a promotion. And I know people get loopy when they're left alone, so a galdur, based around humans to start and in charge of producing more of their own kind?

Yeah, I'm super lucky that didn't backfire on me. I guess being sad and gentle and anxious at it worked pretty well.

Einar's almost back to his old self, but I'm going to keep checking in on him for a few weeks, just to be certain. That was definitely not my idea of a good time, even if it all turned out okay.

I wonder if I can go back and talk to The Gardener again? The logs said it had a body at one point, maybe...

Hm. I'll talk to Jina and Naj, about it. Maybe Zeki too. Between the four of us, I'm sure we can come up with something.

Oh, and it doesn't end there either, though I kinda wish it did.

Because as ever, with that stupid sliding puzzle done, I had to go see what changed in the Sky Temple, and see what the next set of things to collect are, and... welll....

I have multiple questions.

Apparently this beam of light shot down from the moon (humans lived on a fucking moon????), when I finished the last puzzle (or thereabouts. Jina assumes that's when it happened) and unlocked this. Whatever this is. She thinks I'll get it when I finish putting things in the vault, but like... I don't know that I want it. Something about it gives me the creeps.

That's not stopping me from going and getting all the things I can for the vaults though. Muujin Bahari still remains the worst recipe possible and I have no idea how I manage to keep making it so well... As it stand, right now I have only two things left. The five rootseeker medallions somewhere in Bahari, and that absolutely absurd amount of apples.

Why 100 apples? W h y?

Granted, the chaos doesn't end there either. I got back to the village, and Subira wanted to talk to me again. I had to run all over Bahari and Kilima to find out that Kenli of all people was delivering the weird packages to the lighthouse. I like Kenli, but this man is occasionally as dumb as a box of rocks.

There's no way he's helping the cartel deliberately. Subira agreed with that assessment, at least, and apparently the shipment was being used to smuggle flow stones. She thinks it's someone in the Order, smuggling things to Gimalkin or others, and you know... not to be all I knew it, but like.

I kinda knew it.

She gave me the weird nightlight Zeki ordered to keep an eye on, so I stuck that in my temple for safekeeping.

Honestly, it looks like something Tamala should have.

Speaking of Tamala...

She asked me to grab something from her room, and much as I don't like her, I obliged, and saw a weird recipe hanging out on her desk. I admit it, I'm nosy. I went and asked her about it, so she suggested I make it because 'she didn't know either'.

I don't know why I believed her...

But I got everything it needed, made it, and then she insisted I test it on myself, then go talk to five adult Majiri and report back with what I found.

I'm never touching anything of hers ever again, just for the record. Or talking to her if I can avoid it. Ugh. I still feel sick from that potion...

But I did, I went and talked to my boys, Reth, and Jina, and everyone showered me in compliments and food. It was... weird. I mean, Reth usually has me taste-test food for him, but this wasn't the norm. And Jel, I love him, but that man should never be allowed near a stove. (He made me sushi. I love him, but not that. I can it to the palcats, they loved it) Hodari and Hassian both gave me meat dishes, and Jina gave me some stuffed mushrooms, and I feel bad, but all the food is in my chillbox...

Anyways, went back to Tamala and asked her what the actual fuck. She told me that the potion releases the inhibitions of the people I talked with, and those were their true feelings. She also said that I was cruel for doubting them, and like...

I don't like Tamala. I don't trust her. And I didn't need some potion to give me insights to how my friends and loves felt.

Ugh, I'm going to be stewing on this for a while, I'm so mad at her.

I need to rest. I'm gonna be busy with my apple trees for the next little while, and then hunting down those medallions. Auni's also found out that bugs have flower seeds attached (this kid, I swear), and now I've grown gardenias, hydrangea, and roses. It's delightful.

I did finally get my aquamarine. It's... soothing. To have it right there with the amethyst. Dad also helped me build a koi pond, and was very impressed with the fancy Duskwing I caught.

And that, I think, is all the chaos I've had to deal with. I am going to rest, put ointment on my bruises, and try not to fret too much over Einar.

I really did not need that heart attack...

#palia #palia online #singularity 6 #berry plays palia #palia game #palia journaling #palia journey #palia mmo #palia roleplaying #That temple gave me Emotional Damage #Yes I know it's a game he'd have been fine #Fite me