#and by havent gotten to it i mean ive forgotten about it for like. a year
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my toxic trait is i have like 30 creative projects and have zero work done on any of them
#ok zero might be an exaggeration#more like a bunch of google docs with two sentence outlines#that havent been edited in five months#posting this because i just got an idea for a video essay about disco elysium#which. i also finished yesterday and. yeah im gonna play this game like 100 times over#also someone talk to me about disco elysium i am going a bit wild over it#anyway. thinking about the tma video i was going to make and have a full written script for but simply havent gotten to record it#and by havent gotten to it i mean ive forgotten about it for like. a year#someone force me to do finish these projects please
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I had forgotten about your home hunter AU, but laerkgmlaekrgm really interesting what you have shared!! I'm really vibing with Hunter losing his eye (in a "I am interested to see where this goes" sorta way, not a "hurting people is good" way alerkgm) like, that's going to REALLY impact him, plus it's a lot harder to justify Belos' anger/actions when Hunter lost an eye and didn't "just" get a flesh wound/new scar
(also because my own eye is damaged from a previous belos-like inflicted injury and projection is what I'm best at lol)
sorry about your eye anon, but I'm always happy to provide a character to project onto hah
and yea tbh i havent posted a lot about the AU for a few reasons, but i still think about it from time to time and do wanna keep posting about it. ive got a few plans for comics that I havent gotten around to because they'd take a long time to finish and its hard to feel like i should keep working on them when im not even sure anyone remembers the AU,, BUT I love hunter so I'm sure I'll find the time eventually.
even if "eventually" means not until next summer :')
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sorry for being a rando popping into your inbox but wrt your posts about smt5 and the acnh effect, as a lifelong fan of animal crossing i hard agree on nh and it's kind of depressing to see so many people say it's the best animal crossing when it isnt even CLOSE. id say the downfall of ac started with new leaf since thats when they started lobotomizing the villagers, but acnl actually had tons and tons of content that kept me playing for literal years. meanwhile with nh i only popped in to check out the new updates then stopped playing. i could write an entire essay on how they completely gutted the original tone that animal crossing had with its writing and overall vibes and basically sanitized a fun, unique quirky little game into being The Relaxing Game.
with smt5, i think the problem is something different though. if you read the interviews from very early in v's production, the devs mention things they wanted to be in the story--namely, they wanted v to touch on themes of extremism in modern society and how in the face of the world being on fire gen z and millennials feel utterly hopeless and like they have no future. none of that was in the final product. granted, i have very little knowledge of game development but since v was in production prior to and during the pandemic, i have a theory that there was meddling on the part of corporate that really messed with the development process with the pandemic on top of that. according to a friend of mine, someone data mined v and there were a ton of unused assets and concepts, which seems to support my idea that there was a huge shift mid development that squandered v's potential.
one thing though, is that new people getting into smt though v means that they're more likely to play the other games in the series and see what it's like when smt's potential is realized, whereas this doesnt really exist for animal crossing since animal crossing is generally the same all around where each smt game has a vastly different story and tone from the other games.
(i might be misinterpreting but one criticism i have of your addition to that one post if you describing this phenomenon as Kirby On The Switch when as a lifelong kirby fan the most recent kirby game was unironically a near perfect game and most people seem to be in agreement on that and it was clear that hal labs put a TON of love and work into making it. but sadly kirby and the forgotten land is an exception to what you were talking about on that post)
sorry for the essay lol i just have Thots
HI YES thoughts appreciated! everyone always welcome to drop essays about video games in my inbox i love writing them and i love reading them
i wouldnt call myself a lifetime ac fan but i played the FUCK out of new leaf, i think i got it in 2014 and i have about 1000 hours in it, which is why i was so dissapointed with NH...and ive heard and understand peoples criticism of NL so it must be really really rough for old ac fans to see NH just double down on all that.
that's really interesting about smtv though, i hadn't heard that about the datamining and stuff? and i guess the original interview i hadnt seen because i wasnt into smt then LOL. i actually am gnna go look at that because it really does feel like a game that went thru development hell and had to rush things, i remember before release being really worried that we hadnt gotten any story trailers or english va announcements...esp since the game was announced at the same time as mario odyssey LOL
and yes thats very true that people might get into smt thru smtv. i definitely agree with that point but at the same time, someone is equally likely to not really click with it then drop it and not touch the series again... but well. not the point.
about kirby i was honestly thinking about that when i was posting it, i havent played the forgotten land but every kirby fan i know loves it (i was actually thinking of picking it up myself as a 3d platformer fan) so yeah i can def see how thats an exception. it is true that really good games with passion behind them still can come out which is really heartening, i wish it wasnt such a surprise when it happened!
but yes i think animal crossing really embodies this point. the way its become a cultural icon and people dont know what the series USED to offer so they think that NH is good and what they're all like is so dissapointing, especially as a life sim that youre meant to put tons of time into... it frustrates me to no end when i see people joking abt AHh i have no motivation to go back to my island its so much work i havent played in so long.. like this wouldnt have HAPPENED if the game wasnt shit!! i never had "no motivation" to play new leaf because it was an actual game and not a halfway between life sim and sandbox game that is the worst of both worlds! i checked in on new leaf EVERY. DAY. after school when i was in high school and id play for an hour each day. i dont think i missed a single day in maybe three years.
in new horizons i told myself id go back to it if they ever added cooking. then they added cooking and i went back to it and it sucked so i stopped playing again
there is literally no reason to play it other than customizing your island as a sandbox game but the sandbox elements are so fucking miserable to play that you have to be, excuse me for saying this, unemployed to actually find the time to make your island look good. the game coasted on the fact that it released right before the pandemic and everyone had the free time to play it.
#data#anyway. tl;dr all true points!#i have much more to say about NH but ill leave it at that and ive ranted abt it so much
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help.
#detransition stories are scary. and the more i think and read about it the more i feel like i shouldnt carry on with mine#because im traumatized and i watched a video about like separating identities but the thing is im. JUST NOT THAT! i am trans!#ive known this since a young age!#i feel like my psychologist has really gotten into my head and im finding it frustrating#like i know keep thinking about not passing and how i can deal with it but ITS NOT WHAT WANT LOL#im scared and sad and dysphoric#last night i tried dressing feminine and calling myself my deadname#and i just wanted to crawl into a fucking pit i felt like a man in really bad fucking drag#its like i feel like im being FORCED to feel like i have to detransition#when i WANT to transition more than anything#i think i want to try and talk about the dysphoria ive suffered as a child because its very significant#and how my dysphoria does not inherently correlate with my traumatic experiences#i just simply am trans. i am dysphoric. i am a man.#radical feminists be like ‘theres no wrong way to be a woman sweetie :-)’ but im like theres no wrong way to be a man either. im a man???#also im gonna say it. identity politics helps no one lololol#i mean i just. i cant function as a woman. because im not. im sorry it feels like i keep talking about this#but this is the only place i can vent?#like. hhhhh. a lot of the stuff i want to talk about but havent is to do with certain body parts and experiences#and like ive even looked up the symptoms of psychosexual disorders just TO BE SURE because thats not me!!!#i have a period of time in my life which i have completley forgotten from around the ages of 5-6 years of age? i dont know what went down#but i have no recollection of that time in my life. and dont say ‘just cuz u cant remember shit’ nah my first memory was at 2/3 years old#and i have a long history of like experiencing the beginnings of like fetishistic behaviour as well as gender dysphoria#i just feel like these experiences will still lead to be being gatekeeped from transitioning by my medical professionals but like. i GET it#i know they are trying to work with me to ‘’’protect me’’’ from making any ‘’’mistakes’’’#but it still hurts to think that nobody is going to believe me when i say ‘no correlation’ or ‘its complicated but i know what im about’#im really going through it rn guys. im sorry
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well this WAS a rant post in the tags but my tags arent showing so im pissy
#this is going to be extremely vague but my ex boyfriend has gotten stuck inside my head again so i guess its time to rany#rant#nothing makes me more angry than the fact i let you walk all over me and try and ruin my relationship over and over#just because yours ended doesnt mean mine did#nothing makes me more angry than the fact that i knew you were creating a barrier and a huge level of untrustworthiness in my relationshop#ship fujc#and yet i just fucking....let you#i was so fucking weak to you and for you. but i guess thats what happens when you start dating someone at a young age and fall for them#and then get fucking ruined the point of no return so you move on to someone.....amazing and caring and kind and my actual fucking soulmate#not whatever you are from whatever fucking seven layers of hell you came from you goddamn creep#i havent talked to you since june and yet my blood still fucking boils and i feel sick thinking about that you were still around months ago#you should have been gone when i started dating alex and i wish i could fucking......erase you from my life#i wish i could erase what i let you do and i wish i could erase the power you had over me all this time#i wish i would have blocked you the first time you called me baby after i started dating alex#after i told you how happy he made me and how this was a better start and how i just felt like i could be with him forever even when im mad#but god you ruin everything in your path#i wish i could tell him everything but im not going to because im not risking losing everything just because you decided to take over again#he knows bits and pieces but ive forgotten half of what you did to me and id like to keep it that way#i hope youre doing as awful as i remember you being. i hope you never fucking find love and then lose it again because youll tear her apart#i want to fucking forget you forever noah#self
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I got distracted reading 4-04 and 4-05 i totally forgot the actual thing i was supposed to ask you today, what are your thoughts on the kinds of shows the nxx team wouldve watched as kids growing up. MC and Luke have apparently watched animes and even dressed up as characters but i have this need to know the finer details. LIKE. WHAT DID YOU WATCH SPECIFICALLY?? And i remembered you said luke was the one who probably understood most of the terms zangr was saying so like?? Luke do you like these kinds of things?? -Marsh
MARSH, thank you so much for this ask and for the SPECIFIC WORDING "watched as kids growing up." because that makes me have to go back in time and thusly uncovering by far my favorite yet most under-utilized and never-brought-up detail of tears of themis:
the story of this game takes place in the year 2030
DO U HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUNNIER THIS MAKES SHIT???? AND ALSO HOW MUCH MORE SENSE STUFF MAKES??? let me explain myself by going thru all the boys one by one
luke pearce
YEAH HE SAID HE AND MC WERE RLLY INTO ANIME AS KIDS. luke pearce who is 24 years old in 2030 means that from the Important Media Ages (12-15) it was 2018-2021. this period of time, anime started getting more and more accessible, most notably getting on netflix and stuff like this. so like all the anime on netflix rn? yeah luke's watched them.
though because i kin luke, imma say that his fave is fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood. ive got no characterization proof for this, i just want to give him this honor
additionally, luke is a HUUUUGE fan of the original Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle novels (ACD Sherlock) and i think this would have pushed him to watch like, just every popular sherlock media adaptation there is. he personally liked Elementary better than BBC Sherlock. he generally just gravitates to the adaptations that dont forget about the heart of all of the characters.
also also also, luke likes action movies ranging from "hey this is "good" to critics" to "this is a shit movie but MY GOD IS IT FUN!!!"
artem wing
artem wing who is 29 years old in 2030 means that from the Important Media Ages (12-15) it was 2013-2016. but also artem is a MOVIE SNOB LMAOOO, hes That Guy with the Opinions On Film and you bet that his analytical ass was into just the most extra shit to watch those days because no teenager is chill, every teenager has some kind of ego, i dont know what movies he would have watched at that point to be the Smartest Teenager About Movies, but he sure did watch them
though artem also is very into sci-fi literature and 2013-2016 had a BUUUNCH of huge sci-fi movies. Pacific Rim, Gravity, Interstellar, Arrival. Arrival is deffo artem's fave, dont fight me on this, i can explain further but not in this answer bc it will get LOOONG LOL
artem also is into "classics" which uh. wait artem what do you Mean by that, what is a "classic" for somebody born in 2001??? i dont really know exactly what he means by "classics" so i just take it to mean he's a slut for period dramas which leads me to my closing point
"Once upon a time, when [Artem] was younger, around 17 years old, he pondered identifying as asexual or as one of the subsets under that term, but he put that aside after he first watched Pride and Prejudice (2005). He had then acquired a recurring fantasy in which he would be sensually accosted by Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in a secluded study after months of furtive, charged glances, lingering, split second touches, double entendres classily and subtly masked but still implying a repressed yet voracious—Moving on." -an excerpt from my comedy smut fic where artem goes thru a crisis. yeah. yeah. Pride and Prejudice dir. Joe Wright was his bisexual awakening.
MOVING ON!!
vyn richter
vyn richter who is 27 years old in 2030 means that from the Important Media Ages (12-15) it was 2015-2018 but honestly that doesnt help me AT ALL LOL BECAUSE VYN IS A TOUGH NUT TO CRACK.....
like honest to god i cant even imagine vyn as anything other than an adult KJBSJKFS (which is depressing, if i think about it more... but also what vyn would want, i assume he would hate for people to have known him as a child, imperfect and shunned.....which is ALSO DEPRESSING. VYN, U GOOD???)
okay yknow what im not studied enough in Vyn Richter Studies so i will come back to this once ive gotten more of his story and know more of his (what im theorizing to be a SHITASS TERRIBLE) childhood history. so vyn, i guess ur safe from me....ur safe FOR NOW, THAT IS....
marius von hagen
marius von hagen who is 21 years old in 2030 means that from the Important Media Ages (12-15) it was 2021-2024. good fucking lord, marius was born in 2009 and that makes him so young that his Important Media Ages arent even DONE HAPPENING IN OUR CURRENT TIMELINE, JESUS....
2021 is an interesting era of entertainment because it is getting steadily more and more apparent that corporate greed is trying to swallow up good storytelling; movies and shows are made as fast food products to be consumed immediately and thrown away just as fast. there are smarter posts and articles talking about this, but my point here is that marius "believes SO MUCH in art and art's capability to make a difference" von hagen would HATE THIS SO MUCH and, through spite, get into a lot of indie medias that dont necessarily sell. smaller movies, tv shows that got cancelled way before they should have.
oh, hey, MARIUS WAS 12 YEARS OLD IN 2021, yeah he could have watched The Owl House and threw a fucking FIT when disne/y nerfed the show's third season. he has not forgiven and he has not forgotten.
regardless of his age, marius, at some point in his teens watches Vincent and the Doctor (s5 e10 from Doctor Who). for those who dont know this episode, it involves Vincent Van Gogh and a bunch of sci-fi stuff but, at the end, a scene where Van Gogh is taken to the future and shown the impact his art has made on people. please watch it, if you havent it, it's very good and no words can do the experience justice.
anyway yeah marius watches it and it makes him FUCKING SOB
yeah so these are my takes kdjbfdsjfs
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So.... Dunno what time it is wherever yall are at, but over here it sure is the 22nd. Which means... its my birthday!
Seems like some Very Important Life Updates are in order. Here we go!
So how old are you now?
26! I started this blog when i was 15, so... nearly ten years ago. Time flies, huh?
Hows the thneeds going?
Nnnnot great. Im trying but its just so dang hard to actually make em do all the things i want em to do! Theyre never soft enough, or absorbent, or dirt-removing, or- Well, you get the point. Ive tried silk, but that stuff’s expensive... Its not like ive got a pile of money lying around over here. Besides, i need something softer than that.
Its a work-in-progress, lets keep it at that.
How are things in the girlfriend department?
Yeah well thats also uh. Not amazing. Ive had some boy- and girlfriends but somehow it just never really worked out the way i wanted it to. Always ended up arguing about stuff and getting accused of having a ‘lying problem’ and ‘breaking my promises’. Sheesh.
So everything is horrible terrible?
No, no, no, its not that bad. I mean, i havent given up and gone back home...
You know what i never knew when i lived at home, though? Living is expensive! Every day you gotta have food, and think about what kinda food you want that to be, and pay for it, and earn money to pay for that, and also make sure Melvins got enough to eat... Im lucky ive got my wagon so i dont have to pay rent or anything, but getting chased out of towns has gotten annoying.
People just dont appreciate my talents.
I wanna end this on a positive note, though.
I want to thank all of you. Yes, all of you out there on the internet. Im sure most of you have probably forgotten about me, but theres no way i could ever forget about yall.
This is gonna sound way lame but i never had many friends. The time ive had here was probably the best of my entire life. And even now, when im down in the dumps about stuff, i remember the cool stuff youve made, the silly jokes, the way people could get excited about small things...
Maybe youll look back at it and get embarrassed sometimes -- I know that i do whenever i read things i said when i was 15. But thats okay! You just gotta hold on to that irrational sense of optimism we all had back then, and then dreams will come true. Mine, and yours too.
Ill be online for today, in case theres anything people still want to say, and then ill be on the road again, fulfilling my destiny. Ill get there someday, i just know it.
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Hey there! 🙂 If you feel like it, what are your Top 5 books you’ve always wanted to read, but haven’t had a chance?
see now THIS is a question i can answer!!!!!! right up my alley!! i have many books i seriously wanna read but havent yet!!! ive literally forgotten how to read bc of my phone!!! AAAH
1. heather havrilesky's books!! i love. love love LOVE. genuinely love. her ask polly column. hers is the only email newsletter im subscribed to that doesnt make me wanna sigh and / or cry whenever i see one in my inbox (emails suck!!). i enjoy her reflections on life, relationships, writing. plus i really like how she can phrase things so beautifully yet simply, just so, just right, to stab me in the heart/hold up a mirror. i actually just ordered myself one of her books. i think her first one?? ive been trying to hold back and not order all of them bc i havent been reading in so long and shouldnt get ahead of myself (but if i finish this one i'll probably get the other ones too) (im actually really excited about her upcoming book foreverland: on the divine tedium of marriage. i mean with a title like that i’ve got to, right?)
2. in the dream house by carmen maria machado. my best friend actually gifted me this book recently and ive made a tiny baby start and it seems very interesting and anything she wants me to read i want to read bc i wanna get to know her inner world, so, yes, i should read this one asap. also it’s fascinating in terms of subject manner and style, so i really, really should read it
3. ive been trying to read the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk but im going through it soooo terribly slowly!! everyone including my therapist keeps reccing it and i keep waiting for the life changing part of this book but im still struggling through the first chapter to be honest
4. bell hooks’ all about love is just sitting on my book shelf, unread. when will it end
5. there’s some books about serious topics that i genuinely wanna read but havent gotten to yet, or only made little starts in. i think maybe 2022 should be the year i finally start reading lindo bacon’s health at every size. no time like the (near-)present to unlearn internalized fatphobia and diet culture
thank you for asking!! where should i start?!?!?!
let’s get listin’
#actually im answering this question the wrong way#ive had many chances to read most of these. i just havent yet#years of chances!!! but still#what a beautiful question#ive actually been considering taking a picture of a big stack of books i have that i wanna read but havent yet and ask y'all where to start#but idk idk#ask#ask games#sunshinebunnie
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its ramble time. also yeah this is gonna be p long (hence the word - rambles) and prob talking a lot about patton and janus because i havent talked about them much and i have IDEAS
(also i know i want remy to be involved somehow but i havent figured out how yet. suggestions welcome ghjghjgs)
so thomas and logan are elves, roman remus and virgil are magic users (witches warlocks wizards whatever the word is lmao), remus specializes in wind magic, roman in fire, and virgil in weather.
the magic virgil uses is often called chaos magic and in order for something to be generally classified as chaos magic, it needs to be unusual/rare, chaotic (duh) or unpredictable, and destructive. (these classifications might change as i think on them more). wind magic is largely argued upon whether it is chaos magic or not, seeing as how it is largely unpredictable and can be seen as destructive, but it doesnt fit the bill with the first one, leading to the arguments. same with fire magic, but they said it was too common for it to be chaos magic. virgil having weather magic means that he can create storms, sandstorms, generate lightning, windstorms, and also able to control (or rather ‘bend’) rain. of course, there are drawbacks and limitations, adding to the fact that virgil has a very hard time controlling his magic and harnessing it, he is not op dw. magic is also very much tied to emotions btw
also ro re and vee have two moms and they are a lesbian couple sorry i dont make the rules
elven lore and shit time - while gold is rare in many places in the fantasy land (i still have yet to decide on a name), in the elven land (i have not decided names for each section either lmao) iron and steel are actually harder to find than gold. gold still holds its own worth, but iron and steel are generally regarded as superior in worth than gold, which is why many nobles possess the material. and ive already explained the left eye crest thing with the elves, their left eye has a shape or crest to it along with a color that glows slightly. the glow can be dimmer or brighter depending on their emotions at the time. logan has a diamond shape to his left eye and a leaf green glow to it, which also happens to be his eye color as well. thomas’ is a heart and rainbow color and glow, while his actual eye color is an almond brown. ill discuss appearances in another post btw. anyways, the elven lifestyle is the most similar to humans, having a battleschool, its system nd shit, etc. although it does differ in terms of ‘rulers’. the humans have a monarchy while the elves rule through a council of 9. (an odd number so there arent any ties) logan uses both a sword and a bow as his weapons of choice. thomas was forced to go to battleschool so he basically just dips as soon as he can after teaching logan what he knows and becomes a healer because HEALER THOMAS
PATTON AND JANUS TIME PATTON AND JANUS TIME PATTON AND JA
patton is one of the merfolk, who (in this au) are a species that have two forms. their mer form, where the lower half of them is the mer tail fish tail what the fuck is it called. anyways the color of pattons tail (wtf is it dude) is a desaturated light blue. he has these like ??? spikes?? is that the word? jutting out from his forearms. (at the very least pointy things) and he will not hesitate to use them as weapons. yeah he’s a feral boy. he has some spots of scales on his upper body but they are pretty scarce. in his human form, he just looks like a human i dunno what you expected lmao. in the water his eyes are a really potent blue while on land they are much duller. he can also breathe underwater regardless of the form. patton also cant really will himself to either form, if he wants to be human form he has to be on land and vice versa for the mer form.
janus is a fucking uh,, dude idk the word for it. i guess the general word for it would be dragon but he’s more humanoid than dragon. a cross between the two ig. anyways he has scales on one side of his face, scaly wings because fuck yeah, horns jutting out from his forehead, and more shit that i have forgotten but i know he has it. the scales are a golden color, with warm yellows and light oranges mixed in. left eye has a dragon pupil type thing, like a slitted pupil. fuck i hate describing things ghdgakhgask. im playing around with the idea that dragons can shapeshift but nothing is set in stone with that tbh. most dragon folk are like janus, a mix between dragon and human, and only the really powerful ones are the ones that can actually turn into dragons so thats pretty rare. but fuck descriptions its time for fucking FRIENDSHIP and FAMILY
janus has a little brother whose name is emile and they are 6 and actually pretty shy. it took them a while to warm up to patton but now he literally loves pat and everytime he sees them he bolts over and just gives him a huge hug. patton tries to act all tough but he is so soft for emile there is no denying it and they all know it. jan and emile have an agender parent and a genderfluid parent. agender parent uses xe/xem btw.
patton has a mother and never knew his father. he and his mother have a rather,,, distant relationship i suppose. his mother is in the royal guard so she is called away often (though it does not excuse the neglect in the slightest) her and pat just mutually acknowledge that they both exist and go about their day. one day pat confessed to jan that he never really felt that they were his mom, more just a person who birthed him. one time in a particular bout of drowsiness, patton confessed that janus and his family were the ones that he truly considered family. janus got choked up and was like ‘shut up you bastard im supposed to be tough /pos’
the first time janus showed him how he could get rid of the dragon aspects of himself for a limited time, patton literally took one look at his human form and shouted ‘what the FUCK’ and janus was like ‘IVE SEEN YOU CHANGE FORM BEFORE WHATS YOUR DEAL’ and patton just screams ‘THIS IS FUCKIN WEIRD’ (all /lh) janus and patton get up to so many shenanigans its a wonder they havent gotten caught yet lmao
patton, once again in sleep deprivation cause thats the only fuckin time he’ll confess anything about his emotions, told janus that he was his first friend and that he was so scared to mess it up when they first became friends. he’d spent most of his life alone and always in this state of just,,, perpetual anger, bubbling right underneath the surface with no way to escape. it led to him getting in a lot of fights and just lashing out, especially at people who tried to become his friend, scaring them away. when janus came along and stayed, he said it was the best thing that ever happened to him. he finally had a friend. even when he lashed out and retreated back into himself, putting up those walls again, janus still stayed. he helped break those walls down bit by bit, helped patton with his anger issues, helped patton realize that janus was here to stay, and that he wasnt leaving.
if you cant tell, i love them sm ghdgaskgjs
#when i say ramble time i mean ramble time#oh boy here come the tags#sanders sides#tss#logan sanders#virgil sanders#patton sanders#janus sanders#roman sanders#remus sanders#ts logan#ts virgil#ts patton#ts janus#ts roman#ts remus#i really want janus or patton to be aro#but i dunno which one#hm#fantasy au#emile sanders#remy sanders#ts remy#ts emile#platonic prinxiety#platonic dukexiety#platonic creativitwins#platonic moceit#moceit#platonic ofc
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all of them for the ask game
babe im so bored rn thank you
1 (fav tv otp) - i have way too many, but lokius off the top of my head
2 (fav color) - maroon
3 (fav quote) - we are made of star stuff
4 (zodiac sign) - leo
5 (middle name) - three people know my name and theyre all family members
6 (when is your birthday) - august 13
7 (what is your love language) - physical touch
8 (rom com or drama) - romcom as long as its good
9 (three places you want to go) - im saying fictional places, bc ive been to a lot of the places i want to go to, so stark tower, the dragon continent in wings of fire that i can't remember the name of, the tardis
10 (fav scent) - vanilla or new books
11 (last song you listened too) - little miss perfect
12 (im giving you a plane ticket, where are you going) - los angeles
13 (chocolate or vanilla) - vanilla
14 (cake or donuts) - donuts
15 (what color would you wear for the rest of your life) - black
16 (favorite quote from a book) - i dont have any right now, but when i was in middle school i had a whole journal full of books quotes i like
17 (you are in a fight, which tumblr acc do you want to help you) - i can box so i dont know if i need help, but i feel like plank would be like cheering me on from the sidelines, so zir
18 (cotton candy or ice cream) - i havent had cotton candy in forever, so ice cream
19 (dream career) - director
20 (biggest pet peeve) - loud noises and getting squished in between people (are these pet peeves? idc i hate them)
21 (describe your style/aesthetic) - k my style is oversized cropped t shirts, jean shorts and sweaters. my aesthetic is late night writing, ice cream dripping down cones and fairy lights
22 (favorite thing about yourself) - every saturday i do my nails, since if they're bare i bite them, and so ive gotten really good at painting both my own nails and other peoples and sometimes ill get fun acrylic nails and my nails just always look so nice!!!
23 (favorite day of the week) - saturday. there's no expectations, i can just do whatever
24 (morning or night person) - night. obviously
25 (tea or coffee) - neither
26 (if you could only read one book for the rest of your life, what would it be) - k i suck at making decision so either carry on or once and future
27 (you're stuck in a lift with your favorite tumblr account who is it) - @thedragonemperess!!!!!!!!!!
28 (do you have any siblings) - yes a younger brother he's a pain
29 (biggest fear) - dying alone
30 (favorite word and why) - eleftheria, it's greek it means freedom and death, and i like it because it kind of shows that like freedom and death are super similar AND OH LOKIUS FANFIC IDEA!!!
31 (you're in a bookstore and you can get three books, which ones) - once and future (hardback) this one doctor who book in fancy leather that i saw like five years ago that i havent forgotten about but is now out of print that i still want (hardback) the improbable adventures of sherlock holmes (hard back)
32 (comfort movie/tv show) - i have a couple. schitts creek, marvels runaways, jatp, the librarians.
33 (describe your tumblr in five words) - chaotic, fandom, queer, random, idk
34 (what celebrity/person do you look up to the most) - i dont look up to people im too tall
35 (worst tv show/movie you ever watched) - loki (/j) actually the red shoes it was this french movie i think, it was so terrible
36 (fav/lucky number) - 13
37 (favorite flower) - roses or tiger lilies
38 (favorite gemstone) - ruby, opal, peridot
39 (what color would you dye your hair) - light blue or dark red
40 (back or forward in time and where?) - no preference, actually. either sounds fun
41 (what are you eating for your last meal) - garlic bread
42 (favorite flavor of ice cream) - cherry and birthday cake specifically from my work
43 (you can have dinner with one person dead or alive who would it be) - the tenth doctor
44 (you can only use one product for the rest of your life, what is it) - i have no idea what this means
45 (favorite time of day) - 1am
46 (do you get complimented often) - kind of. my nails and eyes get complimented a bit, but other that that not really
47 (what languages do you know/want to learn) - i know english. and i would really like to know how to speak spanish, latin, and american sign language, but i dont have the patience or memory to learn languages ive tried like four times
48 (favorite fruit) - mango
49 (characters from the last tv show you watched are planning your wedding) - k im never getting married, but if i ever get platonic married, it would be planned by the librarians and i am 100 % fine with that
AND BABE ILY TOOOOOOOO <33333333333
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rant
I am much more aware (although still pretty dense at times) when it comes to knowing what people think of me. Made amends with m cousin a little mover a month ago. We had a falling out 2 yrs ago and havent spoken since (although she tried to reach out about a year ago but I wasnt having it). And in her eagerness to make amends she’s been inviting me over a lot. Like a LOT. To the point she gave me her spare key (without me asking or in any way implying that I wanted a key). And I know how over zealous I get in friendships. Thinking its deeper than the other person thinks.
Told a friend Id known all through out highschool I wanted to come visit her one weekend (a classmate/quasi friend in college was going up that way and knew I had friends in the area and offered me a ride) and she was fine with it until a day before when she realized I expected to sleep in her dorm room. She snapped at me and said I couldnt just invite myself over to stay in her dorm room which...fair point. I shouldnt have ASSumed. Even though we seemed to have a fun time the last time she invited me to her school to hang out and spend the night. I just misunderstood our friendship which dies out pretty soon after.
Even though Ive gotten better (I think) at this I still mess up. At this point I dont even have any friends. No meaningful relationships outside of family and those just feel like theyre being nice to me out of obligation. The only people who REALLY like me are a bunch of toddlers. But its alright. Most of the time it doesnt bother me. I just have to keep reminding myself that just bc people are nice to me doesnt mean they want to be friends. And I usually work enough so i dont have time to hang out or do anything anyways so its whatever.
What gets me are people who push the relationship. And I think we could actually be friends. But then they get tired of it and realize they dont actually like spending time with me but instead of being honest with me theyll just make up lies. And I wish I could go back tot he days where I was oblivious to their intentions and just believed the lies. Now I can tell and it kills me everytime it happens.
Back to my cousin. I think she’s reached that point where she’s grown tired of me. Even though i had a key I made sure never to go over unannounced. And I thought I was doing ok and we were having fun. But something just seemed off when we were hanging with her friends yesterday. She invited me but i dont think I was really wanted there. Today I managed to snag a freezer for her for a really good price and deiced to gift it to her for her bday which was a couple of days ago. I know she’s been wanting one bc Ive been helping her look for one. I called her after i picked it up to check of she was home and she seemed really annoyed i wouldnt tell her what it was bc I wanted it to be a surprise. She said she was about to head out to get something to eat so i decided to run some errands and kill some times. About 1.5 hrs later I asked her if she was back yet and she wasnt. So I went home to wait. Its been about 4 hrs now and I know she’s just forgotten about me or is ignoring me. I know she’ll text me in a few hours saying she fell asleep or something bc at that point she knows itll be late enough I wont come over.
And I hate myself so falling for it all over again. I hate that Im just trying to be a good friend and she doesnt like it. Just tell me. Please. People ask why i always do things by myself and this is why. Its less painful. I go to the movies, concerts, dinners, etc by myself bc I can to what I want when I want without anyone criticizing my choices and making fun of me for what I like. I do thing by myself bc I dont expect anything of anyone so they cant disappoint me. My cousin keeps saying she’s going to come over and help me unpack but everytime she claims she’s sick. I had to take a day off of work tomorrow bc she insisted the only way she was going to come over was if it was first thing in the morning after she dropped her kid off at school. Even though Im home by 1:30 most days and her kid doesnt have to be picked up until 6pm the latest. And now she’s ignoring me so she’ll probably make up some excuse not to come over tomorrow meaning Ive taken a day off of work for nothing.
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Whats something you write for but havent been requested that youd like to write
/rattles the gibbet
god this is hard
recently? ive been wanting to write star trek because i’ve found my love for star trek (finally) and i love it. ive only seen AOS and TOS so far but??? i love it
marvel is another. i have....a LOT of mixed feelings about marvel. i have absolutely refused to watch infinity war/endgame because i KNOW what happens, and i KNOW they did my boy Steve Rogers dirty, and killed Gamora and im just??? so disappointed by the lack of soul in marvel as of late so im just??? i wanna write it but also that’s a whole dumpster fire that i just want to avoid entirely
american gods!!!! is one!!!! i have NOT gotten requests!! except from my sister when we talk because there is a devastating lack of Shadow Moon stuff on here and that is a fucking SHAME i mean have you seen that man (i did get a sweeney ask from the lovely @jinxy-toast but that’s related to the current series and idk if that counts)
dc is another, but that’s also up there with marvel in that im just??? there’s a LOT i avoid in terms of dc (like DCTV, there’s very little i’ve been interested in since DCTV became a thing, and turned the comic characters i love into angst piles)
ive probably forgotten something. this is all i can think of right now.
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@brighterthanathousandsuns tagged me, thank you- :)
1. Nickname: i just go by Z on here my real life nicknames are embarrassing tbh
2. Real name?: rather not say but im sure you can fill in the blanks
3. Zodiac: scorpio
4. Height: ..like 157.5 cm or about 5′2″
5. What time is it? 4:41 am (as of typing this) i woke up anxious so im trying to get my mind off it
6. Favourite musician/group: hm, probably well, skinny puppy still
7. Favourite sports team: this just makes me think this ask list came from a completely different corner of the place if you know what i mean.
8. Other blogs: @autotunedcats (main) , @chainslaughter, @brachpallium (a monster hunter/ ark sideblog), and @the7thelement, which i made somewhat recently buttttt hvent rlly got around to organizing it yet and dont know if/ when ill ever. it was gonna be, like, character/story inspiration type of things, esp sci fi/ fantasy, weird things like space, animals, art, plants, bright colors,clothes etc.
, 9. Do I get asks?: i think ive gotten about 3 asks total across all my blogs since my 4/5 years on here. but im quiet and bad at talking so its okay. (thanks to those who have though)
10. How many blogs do I follow: oh god 1029.. ive never cleaned follows ever and i really probably should lots of these are prob long dead
11. Any Tumblr crushes?: Some of you seem very lovely and i do enjoy your tumblr presence !, despite that i dont really interact w anyone, so i dont know if i could say i have any legitimate crushes? again its probably bc i dont talk to anyone !
12. Lucky number: i must not have one lucky enough to remember, because my mind is blank rn.
13. What am I wearing right now: pajamas
14. Dream vacation: anywhere away from here
15. Dream car: i cant even drive yet
16. Favourite food: for now im kind of subjected to eating super bland food on a daily basis so im not exactly a foodie at this point in my life, sorry
17. Drink of choice: same goes here, but i actually like water, tea is good too.
18. Languages: English, a small, incoherent pile of latin, and a tiny bit of russian(like, actual knowledge of the language unlike latin) but ive mostly forgotten that sadly becasue i havent worked on it in years.
19. Instruments: none sadly and never have
20. Celebrity crushes?: im not up on celebrities i live under a rock
21. Random fact: i am also left handed ! :) lately ive been fascinated with deep ocean, outer space, and dinosaurs. i feel like i should have some facts on those to spout to show for it, of course i dont and if it means personal facts, i cant think of anything else there either, so!!
sorry im killing it here as usual and not tagging any one :)) (but ofc if anyone really wants to, go ahead and d0 so)
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Been a minute since i did one of these, rwby liveblog:
all right let’s hear that new opening
oh okay jk maybe next week
yooo the fucking, what are they - manticore?? hell yeah give em to me
WEISS MY LOVE
just fucking skates along the train im glad they FINALLY did that in canon do u know how many fics have written weiss ice skating anywehre/anytime just cuz she fukcing can
i appreciate how they went in RWBY order for that
but like.... it’s great that blake and yang are chill now buuuttt uummmm did they have a proper talk about shit?? cuz they need to
RenoraaaaaaaAAAHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
thank GOD we finally have an official canon white rose moment that isn’t just a joke or casual scene FINALLY A FIGHT-SCENE MOMENT THAT IS EXCLUSIVE TO THEMMMM havent seen that since vol1 ep8
okay i can stop now that’s good enough for me lmao
their lil pink rose petals aaaaaaahhh im cryinn
oh so Adam just went on a tantrum murder rage. sick.
lol Adam taking “man pain” to a whole new level jeeeeez like congrats u remembered Blake’s name u get a gold star
lol weiss saying gifts are a waste of time but i BET U ruby got her something and she’s gonna love it
RUBY SHOULDVE GOTTEN HER THE SCARF RT WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOIIINNNGG
at least explain where weiss got it pls
i s2g if we get a beach episode
“team rwby wont leave your side for a second. i promise.”
welp time to break that promise probably
oh great. more boys.
are they. are they based off twiddle dee and twiddle dum cuz that’s what it sounds like lmao
okay ive been asking this question for 2 volumes already WHERE’S BLAKE SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE BACK NOW
“waiting on Blake, as usual.” Weiss has gone on many dates with her she knows she can take some Time getting ready lol
oH SHIT i legit forgot about Ilia oops BUT HER CASUAL CLOTHES THO
oh is sun still here too then
HUG
THANK YOU
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
oh whY IS NEPTUNE HERE TOO
ohhH OHH OMG WAIT
OH MY GOD IS HE GONNA HIT ON THE LESBIAN
OH MY GOD PLS RT DONT FUCK THIS UP
this could be good oh pls
LMAO OH MY GOD BLAKE AND SUN ARE LIKE ‘UH WIAT-’ BUT IT’S TOO LATE
oh good that was good yes YES
Sun saying he and the boys were cool on a little hiatus when they’re based off a fucking boy band is HILARIOUS
god SSSN get back to the stage go make more songs u slackers
ohhhh
we’re going there aren’t weeeee
sigh but y’know what, im whatever it’s fine Black Sun is good Sun is good
the whole reason i never really liked Black Sun so much was not cuz it’s het but because like??? I’m so tired of the Faunus falling for Faunus and humans falling for humans sort of trope y’know?? I hate thinking they’re together just cuz they’re both Faunus but it’s whateverrr i guess
we just have uhhh no official inter-racial(?) couples in this show y’know what i mean
If I have to accept any het couple Black Sun is probably the best tbh because y’know why?? they are friends first. they have a history together, and it’s a good one. so fine. I’m glad it isn’t gonna be a main focus tho (seemingly)
OKAY ANYWAYS
i appreciate the rwby bunkbed arrangements again on the train ahah GOOD TIMES
oooh? what’s this?? the second Yang speaks Blake perks up??? i like where this is going pls have a Talk together now
ohhh.. Guilt. Wonderful.
ffUCK
Blake stopppp
okay but when weiss and ruby shared a glance tho
“just my luck” “it’s not yours” oh right Qrow is Unluckiest Uncle of the Year
dont worry blake. black cats arent unlucky in this show
Oh? some of the manticore have manes but the one doesnt?? is the female like the head honcho?
i am sooooooooooo loving weiss’ leggings GOD it looks SO GOOOOOD
“dont let anyone else die” WOW RIGHT AFTER THEY WATCHED THE DUDE GET CHUCKED OFF SHE JUST ASSUMES HE IS DEAD ALREADY OOPS
coulda said that FIRST RUBY LOL
okay i know i have a new fav Grimm every season but daammmn these guys knock the Griffons off the top spot
Ruby’s making an awful lot of promises today hmmmmm im sensing a theme how long’s it gonna take before she cant fulfill one
yes GOOD i like the Jaune/Ren tagteam a lotttt
LMAO WEISS JUST FUCKING PASSES THE GRMM tO RUBY LIKE THEY’RE PLAYING BALL nbd
oH SHIT WHAT IT HAS A CHIMERA TAIL TOO?? i didnt notice that before thats fuckin SICK
vol1 - weiss burns down a forest
vol6 - weiss derails a train
oh hi little old Katara how u doin
OH THE NEW OPENINGGGGG
the renora
WAIT WHAT WHAT THE FUCK IS THE
WEISS GIGGLING AND RUNNING AWAY AND RUBY PLAYING TAG LIKE SOME CHEESY COUPLE RUNNING ON THE BEACH WHAT IS THIS?? IM LAUGHING
OH MY GOD ROMAN’S HAT?? IS NEO GONNA COME BACK PLS???
i s2g if it’s Cinder laksjdhfksldf
if that last shot of Weiss supporting Ruby is just more BAIT IM GONNA RIOT
THEY’D BETTER MAKE GOOD ON THAT OH MY GODDDDDDDDD
LET VOL6 BE RUBY/WEISS VOLUME PLEASE GOD
we’re off to a good start so pls.... pls let’s keep it up
i’d forgotten how good RWBY could be if the girls were together lol
good to be back for once
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I wanna ask all 👀
1. First sex experience?
i was like.. less than ten and my friend asked me to touch his ding dong
2. Celebrity threesum?
oh god idk kjdfgxjch
3. Would you ever have a devils threesum?
urban dictionary says this is legit just a threesome w two other guys so uh Yeah I Guess. why does that get a fancy name.
4. Ever been rimmed?
nah. idrk if i’d like it either jkgdfjkhnb
5. Would you ever rim someone?
??? maybe
6. Weirdest sexual experience?
my friends and i stole her mom’s vibrator and used a bunch of lotion in a plastic cup as lube and masturbated together. wild.
7. Weirdest solo sexual experience?
i was jackin it in the shower once and i think i mightve squirted but i dunno bc SHOWER it felt like a water balloon popping in my vagooter
8. Every have a one night stand?
nope
9. Thought on r*pe play?
hmmmmmmmmm,,,, i dunno like so long as it’s between consenting adults who cares but for myself i dunno if i’d like it?? like. the loss of control and consensual non-con w safewords sounds chill but i dunno like actual roleplay would b. unpredictable.
10. As a guy, what do think is a female’s idea penis?
11. What’s your ideal penis?
my boo’s tf
12. Ever have sex in public?
technically i blew a friend in middle school on a creek trail thing.
13. Describe a sex fantasy that you want to try in detail.
wow i’ve suddenly forgotten everything ive ever thought
14. Do you consider your genitals attractive?
nahhhh
15. What bra size do you find yourself most attracted to?
i don’t think i have a preference
16. Favorite sex position?
shrug emoji haven’t had enuf to develop a preference
17. Least favorite sex positions?
^
18. What makes sex ‘bad’ to you?
if no one’s enjoying themselves
19. Ever have sex with someone loud?
i’m sure he could get louder 👀
20. Have you ever thought a partner faked an orgasam?
i?? don’t think so???? god i hope not??
21. Have you ever faked an orgasam?
nope
22. Thoughts on accidental anal?
how do u accidentally stick it in the butt
23. Have you ever had sex with food?
technically i tried to use a hot dog in a condom as a dildo when i was. uh. young and stupid.
24. For giving oral to a female, you prefer them to ride your face, or them laying down (or other)
ive never done lol idk
25. Weirdest thing someone’s ever said to you during sex?
???????????? nothing comes to mind.
26. Ever prematurely cum?
pffft is there such a thing? all orgasms good orgasms. i wonder what the world record for fastest orgasm is. lmao lets beat it (HA accidental pun.)
27. Do you prefer you or your partner to cum first?
my partner ndfgkjdfnh
28. Ever have a kink a partner thought was weird?
? i? don’t know????? 👀👀😫😫
29. Thoughts on drunk sex, or sex where your sober and your partner semiconscious?
i can’t stand being sober around not-sobers bc issues but if consent was given for those circumstances prior and we’re both fukt up then um yes pls
30. If your partner made you a sex toy from their genitals would you be creeped out or…?
gimme gimme gimme
31. Ever have a safe word, if so, what was it?
i never used it with anyone but, hyacinth. i like the traffic light system more tho.
32. Thoughts on partner sharing?
gut reaction is grr but w plenty of communication and negotiation and talking i don’t think i’d have a real problem w it. i don’t think i’d want another partner tho.
33. Weirdest sex story you’ve heard?
oh god idk
34. What gives you the most confidence during sex?
being not sober and the lights being off or v dim
35. What feels better for you sex or oral sex?
sex :o
36. Do you like sloppy blowjobs?
giving them hella
37. Which feels better blowjob or blowjob and hands?
38. Most viewed porn categories?
rough, and sex machines.
39. Thoughts on knife play?
hnnnnnn sharp shiney good. idk about the actual cutting tho i’m recovered from s.h kjdfgkdljf
40. Can you be intimate if your pet is in the room?
yea so long as he’s not up in my grill
41. I’d you ever had the chance for a threesum with twins would you do it?
...probably not?
42. Are you ok with your partner owning sex toys?b
?? tf yes
43. Are you ok with your partner using toys to finish after sex?
hella. no bad feels just whatever works ^_^
44. Are you ok with your partner mastubating. (Instead of going to you for help)
duh tf i don’t own them
45. Are you a fan of cuddles after sex?
YES
46. Do you care how many sexual partners your partner had?
no????
47. If you had the chance to join an orgy, would you?
...not sober
48. What’s your thoughts about watching porn with a partner?
hmmmmm. nice.
49. Are you ok with your partner watching porn to get off? (Instead of going to you?)
again, yes, wtff
50. As a guy, do you consider your girlfriend kissing other girls as cheating?
51. If you and your partner broke up for a week but got back together how would you react finding out they had sex during that time?
i mean. i dunno. if we were legit broken up with no intention of getting back together then whatever.
52. Are you ok with your partner posting nudes online?
yes what is up w these possessive ass questions
53. Has anyone ever said the wrong name during sex with you?
not that ive noticed dkfjgvdfjkhn
54. Ever had sex to just get it out of the way?
no???? wtf was this written by a Straight
55. Have you ever had sex in your parents bed?
NO GJKFGH
56. Favorite place to cum?
anywhere anytime lol
57. Do you prefer your partner to a Bush or shaved? (Which do you find more aesthetically pleasing)
whatever they want lol idc
58. How old were you when you first bought condoms?
my mom bought me some when i was like 12 it was mortifying. i still have yet to purchase them myself. WAIT NO YES I DID i was like 13 and it was for a friend bc she was too embarrassed.
59. Have you ever tried flavored condoms?
i haven’t but i wanna yummm lollipop without the cals
60. Would you ever let a stranger watch you and your partner have sex?.
uhhhhhh. not unless we were being paid
61. What’s the worst thing that’s aroused you?
i used to be really fucking embarrassed about my daddy kink
62. Would you ever have sex with a guy who had a spliced dick?
wh. okay i have to google this.
UM. OKAY. I GUESS?? WH.
63. Would you ever have sex with someone with genital piercings?
sure why not
64. Thoughts on sleep sex?
GOD yes. esp on the receiving end but all around a+
65. How easily do you get aroused?
aroused in general p easily ig? but im ace so idk i don’t ever feel like i NEEED it
66. Explain the time you got aroused at the worst time?
any time in public bc i blush too easily
67. Have you ever received oral from someone with a tongue piercing, did it feel any different?
i has not
68. Have you ever accidentally hurt your partner during intimacy, how? And did you continue after?
i? think i totally kneed him at least once. but ya
69. Ever 69 :p
not YET
70. Would you ever give someone oral underwater?
YES pool sex or hot tub sex is a kink of mine ever since i got off with a hot tub jet. and breath play. so like hella. i have a sensory issue with water on my eyelids tho and i don’t think goggles are all that sexy sooo njdfgjkfhn
71. Would you ever have sex on the beach?
idk maybe. that’s a lot of sand to keep track of.
72. Do you prefer your own touch or a partners?
not my own ksjdnfjkgh
73. Why do men slap their penis on their partner? Does it feel good???
i dunno WHY but it feels somewhat objectifying in a good way to ME so likeee
74. For mastubating do you use lube?
nah
75. Is there some place you don’t like being touched during intimacy?
my sides feel hurt really easily like even if u poke it it HURTS i think it’s a medical thing but ive never brought it up at the drs. and my ears. that’s weird.
76. Do you prefer your partner to knead you head or pull your hair?
uh both? both yes? both good
77. Has a condom ever fallen off during sex?
lowkey sjkdfhnzskjghfh
78. Have you ever lost arousal during intimacy, did you keep going?
no??? like im generally always turned on gettin it on n it’s a gr8 time but my meds just fuck with my ability to actively get off UGH
79. Have you ever gotten cum in your eye?
no *knocks on wood*
80. Weirdest compliment you’ve gotten?
ive had people compliment my feet and that’s not my kink so i think it’s kinda weird.
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i havent read the raven cycle books in a while and ive forgotten.. what is so bad about gansey's parents?
i’m sorry this took so long, anon!! i have… so very many thoughts about this. so. cracks my knuckles. Here We Go. an incomplete analysis of why gansey’s parents suck, under a readmore because it turned into a book report:
they allowed gansey to travel the world entirely by himself at thirteen years old.
“Of all the places Gansey had attended boarding school — and he’d attended many in his four years of underage wandering…” - trb, ch12
gansey is seventeen, so four years of wandering puts him at thirteen. thirteen!! thirteen is not old enough to travel the world by yourself in even the best circumstances. and gansey was not in the best circumstances. which leads me to my next point:
they allowed gansey to travel the world entirely by himself while he was extremely unwell.
by the time he met malory, he’d already been traveling for years, and this was the shape he was in:
“Got screaming nightmares over it — he had to get his own place, since I couldn’t sleep with it, as you might well imagine. Sometimes these fits would happen during the day, too. We’d just be toddling through some riding path in Leicestershire and next thing I knew he’d be on the ground clawing his face like a mental patient.” - bllb, ch30
his parents either didn’t notice this behavior or ignored it, because there is no way a boy this debilitated by his trauma and anxiety should be set free to roam the world with no support. and there was no support, because:
there were months (or more) where they had no idea where he was.
“Just gone,” Malory said. “After that, his family called me sometimes, trying to find out where he’d gone.”
“His family?” She felt like she was being told a story about a different person.
“Yes, I told them what I could, of course. But I didn’t really know. It was Mexico before he came to me, then Iceland after, I think, before the States. I doubt I know the half of it still. He picked himself up and moved so easily, so quickly. He had done it so many times before England, Jane, and it was old hat to him.” - bllb, ch30
that means they kept in touch so little and gave him so much financial freedom that they couldn’t find out where in the whole world he had gone. yeah, like, gansey made the decision to go off the radar, but the fact that he, as a child, was able to go missing on this scale is extremely negligent of his parents.
i think all of that is enough to find the ganseys shitty, but wait, there’s more! because there’s a whole emotional side to this that plays a big role in Who Gansey Is.
the ganseys are politicians.
not just in their careers, but as people. they are concerned with Appearance more than anything else.
there’s a lot in gansey’s introspection that gets into this — like, the entire concept of his President Cell Phone persona and the reoccurring theme of disconnect between how gansey feels and how he’s perceived — but i think this bit from trk is pretty telling:
He remembered thinking that it would only ruin the party by reappearing covered with hornets. - trk ch53
you don’t think this way as a terrified child unless you’ve had guilt taught into you. unless your family has made it clear that your pain is less important than their convenience.
and that crops up a lot with gansey. this idea of his feelings being inconvenient to those around him, and of his feelings being less important than everyone else’s. sure, it’s tied up in his privilege, but it’s also a classic symptom of the kind of repression and compartmentalization that comes from growing up in a family that doesn’t value your emotional wellbeing.
and i think there’s a good example of that, after gansey misses the fundraiser:
I know you have your own life, his mother said to his voicemail. I was just hoping to be part of it for a few hours.
[Helen’s] only text had come at the end of the night: I suppose the king will always win, won’t he? - trk, ch58
this is.. emotionally manipulative. maybe not intentionally, but it is. and gansey has lived his whole life like this — having things Expected of him and then being guilted when he can’t live up to it. and the running implication under it all is that he is Wrong for prioritizing the thing that matters most to him, which is doubly damaging since that thing is the obsessive pursuit of a resolution to his unbelievable and unacknowledged childhood trauma. trauma for which he has never gotten any help. that is all unforgivably isolating.
and i think part of what makes this all so insidious is that it’s easy to miss. because it’s never rude, never mean, never outright. the ganseys don’t seem like an emotionally dysfunctional family. they don’t fight, they don’t yell, they don’t cry. they love each other, or they think they do. but that’s because of things like this:
And Dick Gansey II had let his son know that if he couldn’t hack it in a private school, Gansey was cut out of the will.
He’d said it nicely, though, over a plate of fettuccine. - trb, ch12
and
Gansey despised raising his voice (in his head, his mother said, People shout when they don’t have the vocabulary to whisper)… - trb, ch38
they’re nice. they’re proper. but they’re definitely not good. they want gansey to be Perfect, which means ignoring all the parts of him that they find flawed and inconvenient. which means depriving him of emotional support and limiting their relationship with him to what is Expected and what is Useful. which means that, when he can’t meet those Expectations and Uses, he is a failure.
and i think that leaves marks all over his character. you can see it in his desperation to mean something, to be worthy of being saved. in how he constantly represents himself in ways that conflict with his Richard Campbell Gansey The Thirdness (like the Pig, Monmouth, and his journal, all things that are broken and chaotic and messy). in his deep desire to be Known and Understood by the people around him.
i don’t think gansey really understands the way his family has shaped these parts of his personality, so the narrative doesn’t really call explicit attention to it. but there are places where it’s clear how far away he feels from the very idea of his family:
He was full of the restless, dissatisfied energy that always seemed to move into his heart after he visited home these days. It had something to do with the knowledge that his parents’ house wasn’t truly home anymore — if it had ever been — and something to do with the realization that they hadn’t changed; he had. - trb, ch33
they never made a spot for him in their home, or at least, not a spot where he was ever actually able to fit. so gansey left and found one for himself, in his friends and in henrietta and in glendower.
there is So Much More — i could comb through the books and write a 500 page dissertation on this topic, lol — but i’m gonna leave it here. tldr, gansey’s parents are neglectful and emotionally isolating, and that has had a serious negative impact on how gansey conceptualizes himself.
[if you want More on the subject, i know kate @czarrish has lots of good posts like this one! & big thank you to @arielmagicesi, @pnrrish, & @wishingstardust for helping me find various things for this Essay! i rly appreciate it!]
#i hope this doesn't seem combative at anon — i'm just very heated about this topic in general cuz it's Close To Home for me#& i appreciate being asked about it because i figured sooner or later i'd be making this post sfkjdfs#so yeah! anyway! rb this if you want to fight gansey's family too or w/e!!#asks#anon#mine#gansey
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