#and that I had been excluded from basic life experiences that nearly everyone else in this country has had

[bbygirldahyun]

with something like this, there never feels like a right time, and i don’t know if i’ll ever feel well and truly prepared to talk about these things, but i’ll give it a shot. here is my experience with reza and the entire situation.

i say none of this with malice, and i would hope nobody else does either. nobody but those who were directly involved can understand, talking about this is hard, but it’s weighing me down not to. so please, don’t send anyone hate or interact with her at all. i just want to express what happened and move on.

i became friends with reza awhile ago, probably over a year ago at least if my memory serves me correctly. unlike many others in this situation, we were very close. we spoke nearly everyday. we have spoken on the phone, she has met my girlfriend over the phone, we shared a lot of personal things. we even talked about meeting in person at one point. so trust me when i say, this has brought me an intense amount of sorrow, loss, and guilt.

i know people throw around words like gaslighting and manipulative a lot, but i truly mean it when i say she manipulated many of us. she made me feel absolutely insane sometimes, like i couldn’t trust my own memories, perspectives, and experiences. what i said i thought happened never mattered. experiences i had with someone were never considered unless they aligned with her predetermined narrative. she would convince me i said or did things i didn’t, or at least didnt remember saying. she told people i was angry at her about something when i had no recollection of it. i’m not an angry person, i couldn’t imagine being truly angry and harsh with her ever.

it seemed every few weeks or months, she picked a new person to dislike and she wanted everyone else to dislike them too. she used to tell me frequently how nobody ever believed her about anything, so at first when she would tell me about not liking someone for some reason i always tried to validate her and believe what she said. i wanted her to know i was a good friend, i wanted to be a good friend. but the more it went on, the more i started to question things. people i didn’t know very well i easily believed what she said, because i’m very trusting. i had no reason not to trust her, really. but then it became people who were my friends that were the targets of her distaste.

if i ever had a small problem with someone, she blew it way out of proportion. of course all friends have issues, everyone has issues. so i would confide in her when other people i was friends with had upset me somehow, and she always responded with incredibly petty insults about the person whether it be their writing, their art, or about them as a person. it was very odd. but i learned very quickly i couldn’t ever defend any of my other friends, because that angered her severely. she has talked poorly about just about every single person on this website in this community, including her own friends. i know sometimes you just need a place to vent, i understand that, i’ve done that myself. but she was often rude, petty, and insulting about these people. it wasn’t just venting, it was true distaste and malice.

if she wasn’t responding with petty insults, she would become very intense about the situation. she would almost always instruct me to not trust that person anymore, or to cut them off, or even sometimes go as far as to “handle” the situation herself. another writer mentioned in their post that they were kicked from a groupchat because of her, and i was in that groupchat, and she did it simply because a joke that was made had upset me slightly. she took things from 0 to 100 in seconds, before i could even protest. sometimes when she did things like that, i felt perhaps that’s what friends did? i didn’t have many friends growing up, so i guess i didn’t really know. but it often felt as if she treated me like someone who couldn’t fight my own battles when really, i’m just not a fighter by choice. i’d rather talk things out, especially with someone who was a friend of mine who i cherish deeply.

i confided in her that i was very trusting and thought everyone had good intentions due to being autistic and taking what people say at face value. i told her that’s how i ended up in my abusive relationship, because i was too trusting. she told me she hated that anyone had done that to me, and then went and did it herself. she took advantage of the fact i can’t tell easily when i’m being manipulated. she attempted to plant seeds of distrust within me towards every single other friend i had, even my girlfriend. i spoke to her once about an issue my girlfriend and i had had a long time ago, and she immediately said in essence she didn’t think my girlfriend was good for me. this was one issue within a nearly 5 year relationship. it felt insanely isolating, to be told at every turn that anyone in my life was bad for me, except for her.

it’s also worthy of pointing that all of these people who she would talk so poorly about to me and to just about anyone who would listen, she is more than willing to turn around and kiss their feet when she lost all her friends. duckie was a particular target of hers in terms of her attempts to get me to cut my friendship off with. some of the things she said to me, i don’t even want to repeat, though of course i have told duckie about it. she has said nasty things about her, about me, about our entire friendship. and yet, the second she didn’t have her friends on here anymore, she was tagging duckie in a praising post, surely in the hopes somebody might take her side i can only assume. that really boiled my blood — all of those nasty words, only to turn around and do that. and duckie isn’t even the only one, she’s just the one i’m closest to who reza did that with.

she has accused so many of us of being clout obsessed or chasing clout. i am no professional, nor can i make claims with 100% certainty, but i would go out on a limb and say i’m fairly positive those accusations are heavy projection. many of her accusations are, to be frank. she has always been seeking “clout”, attention really, ever since the beginning. she used to tell me her biggest dream was to end up on one of those writer reccomendation lists and so it doesn’t surprise me at all that her supposed final straw with lu was being excluded from one, even accidentally. but of course, she’s certainly accused all of us time and time again that we’re obsessed with clout, that we’re all only friends with each other for clout. and it’s sad to me, that that’s how she sees friendship, a means for exchange. but it’s clear that’s how she treats friendships.

she also accused someone of copying art. now whether they did or not, i have absolutely no clue. but when she showed me the supposedly copied art, i told her i wasn’t an artist and i’m also pretty face blind so i wasn’t sure if i was the best judge of whether it was copied or not. she got very angry at me for not believing her, and i tried to reassure her i trusted her perspectives i just couldn’t make the call myself. this became a repetitive situation between us — her making an accusation, me trying to dispute or to even just deflect and move on in conversation, and she’d get mad at me or just straight up stop replying. it was exhausting.

the rumors she has spread about me and others on here are horrible. some of the things she’s said about me have me absolutely floored. there’s things i’d love to address, but i don’t want to throw the person who told me what she said under the bus. but what i will say, is she basically acts as if i’m incompetent without her. i hate to throw around accusing words, but in retrospect many of the things she did and said to me and things she’s said and done since ending our friendship feel incredibly ableist and infantalizing.

now onto what really brought all of this to head. i’m sure all of you have seen the posts referring her calling a trans poc a nazi, but that’s not my story to tell really. my story is what happened after. she dmed me in the midst of that situation to complain to me about the person she accused of being a nazi, and i essentially told her not to bring me in the middle of it. at the time they were both my friends, and i thought she was acting incredibly out of pocket. of course, she grew upset, but insisted she wasn’t trying to bring me into it. i told her i didn’t think her accusation was fair, she told me that this person blocking her was “proof” that they were a nazi supporter, and i basically told her that was quite a leap. we didn’t talk for awhile after that, until she reached out again saying she didn’t want to lose me as a friend and this very long, nice message. i told her i valued her friendship a lot and as her friend, i felt it was my duty to tell her she fucked up and that she should apologized. she admitted to me she knew she was wrong. she admitted it. but she said something like it was too late to do anything about it. one of our last dm exchanges was her saying i was the one person she didn’t want to lose. then she blocked everyone.

so when she tells people i blocked her, or i ended the friendship, or whatever, that’s not true. i didn’t block her until she blocked me. i was never mean to her, not even at the very bitter end. if she thinks i was a bad friend, by all means she can think that, but i tried my best day in and day out to be a good friend. i wanted to make things work so badly, i truly loved reza as a best friend, we had so many good memories together. it broke my heart to watch her behave that way and go on to behave how she’s behaved since. i thought she was better than all of that.

she’s thrown out all sorts of wild accusations towards nearly everyone on here, including claiming we’re all lesbophobic for not supporting her gofundme. this is where her hypocrisy becomes evident. her close friend who has since deactivated had made a post basically claiming that posting “a few words” isnt activism right in the middle of when many of us on here were sharing donation links of black people in need in the aftermath of the chauvin verdict, which reza reblogged. both reza and her friend shared their own gofundmes mere days after that post. i thought that was absolutely despicable. not to mention the amount of times she’s accused lu of being transphobic and a bad ally, or reblogged posts of her cis friend claiming lu is a bad ally, which just isn’t true in the slightest. lu is an upstanding individual, and truly the pinnacle of allyship in my mind. she doesn’t just reblog a post to look good, she’s truly an amazing and supportive friend. couldn’t ask for better than that.

reza is hypocritical in so many other, smaller ways. she attacked someone for simply watching a critical review of attack on titan but continues to stan groups and people who have problematic or questionable pasts or elements to them. of course, media has problematic elements and we can engage with that critically, but the problem is she seems to think only she can do that and other people are free game to jump on and make wild accusations about. she claimed softblocking people was dumb, only to softblock me herself days later. the expectations she places on others she feels no obligation to uphold herself.

she has made attempts to entice new writers into this community by promoting them, praising their work, and claiming they can be the biggest writer etc all the while on her twitter tweeting things to the effect of all the writing on hc tumblr is boring now, or twice fic isn’t as good anymore, dreamcatcher fics are better etc etc. it’s disgusting. she brought innocent people fresh to the community into this nonsense and the second they didn’t validate her entire pov she deleted everything relating to them on her blog, all her promotions, and tweeted she’ll never help a new writer again. it was horrible to watch how many people became involved in this messy web and got hurt because of it.

i want to end all of this by apologizing from the bottom of my heart to anybody who i was swayed into a wrong opinion of by reza, to anyone who i spoke on without realizing i was being clouded by her manipulation, and to all of my friends who she spoke so poorly about. i did everything i thought i could to defend the people i cared about, but as many others can attest to she’s incredibly hard to argue against. it’s painful, and sometimes i hit a point of exhaustion. i am so sorry. i am truly, truly sorry to anyone who has been hurt by this situation, by reza or any of her friends or anybody. it was terrible being stuck in that cycle of awfulness, and i feel so much guilt thinking that i could’ve ever contributed to her poor actions and words about others. i trusted her with so many private things and i regret it more than anything.

that’s the hardest part of this, that i trusted her with so much. i trusted her with many things i would hardly share with anyone else. i told her embarrassing stories, shared much of my traumas to her, told her about my sister and my family and my girlfriend and all of these personal things. she told me so many things in return, but i know who i am. i know i would never share any of those things, none of the embarrassing stuff or the private stuff, nor would i laugh at it even to myself. but i know who she is, and that makes me feel like someone who i can’t trust holds so many things i shared in comfort, a comfort i no longer have. it’s difficult to grapple with.

and reza, if you’re reading this and i’m pretty positive you will be — i hope you find peace within yourself so you don’t have to treat people this way. perhaps i’m too optimistic, too kind and too trusting and too easily tricked, but i would rather be that than live the way you have, paranoid and bitter inside towards everyone. i hope you find a way beyond that, and i mean that genuinely.

#me

[moony-meadow]

The Very Hungry Beelzebub (2)

Previous Part / Next Part

With an echoing splash, I fell into the space that could only be Beelzebub’s stomach. Terror took hold of me as the reality of my situation fully settled in. Desperately, I scrambled to my feet. There was liquid up to my knees, and though it was pitch black, the area felt more spacious than the previous stomach I had occupied. I didn’t dwell on those details long though.

I threw myself against the wall of the stomach I was trapped in, pressing my palms into the squishy surface as though I would be able to phase through it. “Nonononono--this can’t be happening, I can’t--” I froze. Had I just spoken? One of my hands jumped to my throat. “Ahhhh,” I tested. When I felt the vibrations beneath my hand, I became sure I hadn’t imagined my own voice.

Evidently, the silencing spell Beel cast on me had been temporary. The effects had lasted just long enough for the demon to get me exactly where he wanted me. “Maybe it’s not too late,” I breathed. It was just at that moment I noticed a burning sensation beginning to prick at the parts of my skin submerged in the liquid that pooled at the bottom of Beel’s stomach.

“Stomach acid. I’m standing in stomach acid,” I reminded myself. And unlike when I’d been in Mammon’s stomach, there was nothing stopping this acid from doing its job and dissolving anything it came in contact with.

I struggled to prevent my own panic from halting all rational thoughts. I needed to keep it together. There was still a chance I could survive this.

Pressing myself up against the wall I guessed to be the outermost, I screamed out Beel’s name as loudly as possible. I didn’t wait for a response before announcing my command. “I order you not to digest me!” My voice was shrill and shaky. The words sounded more like a desperate plea than a command from a master. Were I not currently in a life or death situation, I would have felt self conscious. As it was, I was just glad I had managed to get it all out.

In the next instant, I felt the muscles surrounding Beel’s stomach tense. And then suddenly, the painful burn from the acid retreated as the liquid drained away. A few moments later and I was standing in a completely dry environment, with only the stinging of my skin to show the dangerous liquid had been present in the first place.

Slumping down to the floor, I released a heavy sigh of relief. Ever since arriving in the Devildom, I’d had my fair share of near death experiences. Hell, I’d even been killed once (in an alternate timeline, of course). However, my familiarity with dangerous situations didn’t make them any easier to deal with. I still felt like I’d been figuratively run over by a truck.

“Y/N?” The sudden rumbling voice shook me out of my brooding. I startled slightly as the wall I had been leaning against was gently pushed inwards, no doubt by a hand pressing from the outside.

“Beel? Are--are you...yourself right now?” I questioned uncertainly. When he had said my name, it had been tentative and soft--much more like it usually was than what I’d heard only minutes ago. However, I had to remain wary. The last thing I wanted was to be struck with another silencing spell.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry!” Beel cried. Though he didn’t directly answer my question, his response easily gave him away. He was back to his normal self. “I-I didn’t mean to--oh god, I could’ve killed you!” Now that my panic had ebbed, it seemed it was Beel’s turn to freak out. His voice was riddled with genuine horror and fear.

After Beel had first told me about his secret eighth sibling, Lilith, and the crushing guilt he felt in regards to her death, I began to see the demon in a new light. He was someone who cared deeply for his family, someone who wanted nothing more than to protect those he cared about. So when he felt as though he failed in that task, Beel placed every ounce of that guilt on his own shoulders. It made my heart ache to witness, especially now that his guilt was in regards to me.

“Beel, it’s okay. I know you would never do that when you’re...well when you’re in your right mind,” I assured him, hoping he could feel the soft pat I gave his stomach wall.

“Are you okay in there?” Beel questioned urgently, giving no indication whether or not he accepted my forgiveness or not.

Automatically, my hand reached for my still slightly aching legs and feet. The fabric of my pajama bottoms and socks, while still present, did feel markedly thinner. I suspected it would have been only a matter of time before the clothing dissolved altogether. “I-I’m fine,” I told Beel. “Just a little shaken up, that’s all.” I was attempting to sound reassuring, but the fact that my voice was still wavering slightly probably didn’t help me to be convincing.

The giant hand resting against the outside of the stomach began to move in a slow back and forth movement. It was surprisingly soothing, given the circumstances. “You’re sure I didn’t hurt you?” Beel asked softly. It was crazy how such an imposing looking demon could manage to sound like a little puppy dog.

“I promise, I’m okay,” I insisted. “I just need you to get me out of here.” I almost wanted to remind Beel that this wasn’t my first time in someone else’s stomach, in an effort to assuage some of his worries. However, I still wasn’t quite comfortable bringing up that little tid-bit of information. The fact that I had somehow managed to end up eaten by two separate demons in a matter of days still caused me quite a bit of embarrassment.

“How can I do that?” Beel inquired, seeming uncertain.

“You just need to...well cough me up basically.”

The experience of Mammon forcing himself to hack me up hadn’t exactly been pleasant. In fact, I might even argue it was worse going up than it had been going down. But considering it was pretty much the only viable option, short of someone cutting Beel open and pulling me out, I was resigned to going through it again.

My statement was met with silence on Beel’s end. I was fairly certain he had heard me, so what was preventing him from responding? “Beel, is there a problem?”

There was a pause and then, “I...I’m not so sure I’ll be able to bring you back up.” the demon admitted miserably.

I raised a questioning eyebrow. “Why do you say that?”

Beel’s stomach expanded and then contracted as he blew out a low sigh. “Unless I’m sick, I-I really can’t spit out or throw up anything I’ve eaten.” He sounded sincere, however what he was saying must’ve been a lie.

“What about that time you accidentally swallowed some of Solomon’s cooking and had to hack it up?” The occasion was difficult to forget considering the taste of the food the sorcerer had cooked still haunted me to this day.

Another moment’s hesitation. Beel clearly was reluctant to voice whatever it was he planned on saying. The rubbing against the outside wall of the stomach came to a stop. “That’s because my body only lets me get rid of stuff I didn’t enjoy eating,” he finally divulged, the words sounding almost like an apology.

It wasn’t surprising to me that Beelzebub had taken pleasure in eating me. It had been well established that he found me to be delicious even before today. I’d accepted the fact that everyone in the Devildom (excluding Solomon and the angels) considered me to be some kind of delicious treat. No, that part wasn’t what bothered me. I was much more concerned with the news that Beel believed himself incapable of getting me out the only way that I knew worked.

Anxiety was threatening to sneak back into the forefront of my mind, but for the moment, I managed to push it back. “Well you can at least give it a try, right?” I offered.

“Of course, just--just hold on,” Beel replied.

When Mammon had coughed me up, it had seemed to help if I stood up straight and still. I assumed the same position this time, bracing myself for the oncoming onslaught of movement around me.

My environment folded slightly, I assumed in response to Beel bending over. Next, a firm weight appeared at the front of the stomach from his hand. Then came the coughing and retching that shook my whole world. Last time, when I’d been in Mammon’s stomach, it had taken only a matter of minutes before I was spat out onto the palm of the demon’s hand. This time however, nearly ten minutes passed with absolutely zero progress, and I could tell the process was beginning to take a physical toll on Beel.

“Hey, hey, you can stop!” I called out, lightly pounding on a wall of the stomach. It seemed pretty clear that Beel’s assumption had been right. We would have to find some other way to get me out.

The motion of Beel’s heavy breaths surrounded me. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.” His voice was riddled with guilt and sorrow.

I was about to insist that he had nothing to apologize for when suddenly I heard the distant sound of a door opening. It felt as though every muscle in Beel’s body tensed as he too realized someone was entering the room. Both he and I could only pray it wasn’t Lucifer.

“Oh hey, Beel. I was just lookin’ for Y/N.” I released a sigh of relief at the sound of Mammon’s voice. While I loathed the idea of letting the Avatar of Greed know I had once again been eaten, he was the only demon in the House of Lamentation I would even consider letting in on my current predicament. At least the secret would still go no further than Beel, Mammon, and I. “They’re not in their room, have you seen--” Mammon stopped mid-sentence. I could only assume he had just noticed the state of the kitchen. Sure enough the next words that came out of the demon’s mouth were, “What the hell happened here?”

#shall we vore #g/t #giant/tiny #g/t vore #soft vore

[thedevildomdaily]

Demonic Possessions Ch 9: Love Advice & Interior Design

Note: Here’s the Master List for the full story. I recommend reading my stuff on my actual Blog if you enjoy OM! official music! Thank you so much for the support. Please let me hear from you in the comment section. I wanna talk OM!

I decided to make this chapter with more light banter and fun interactions and give the nephilim brothers some attention.

Warnings: Swearing, NSFW implied, light stuff this time ********************************

A couple weeks had passed. Construction on the attic was nearly complete. Lucifer and Azriel had negotiated a schedule in which the nephilim brothers would work on the attic bedroom for their sister. This helped avoid chaotic mornings, at least where the nephilim were concerned.

The overall mood of The House of Lamentation had shifted from the unease of having a new occupant amongst the Brothers and Lilly, to an odd sense of which the brothers had never experienced before. A shift in their dynamic as a family twisted due to a certain blossoming relationship.

Leviathan had become more outgoing and less reluctant in participating in events. He was more welcoming of everyone hanging around his room as well and his mood was less-likely to sour thanks to Lena. His brothers were happy for him, but it was an unusual experience for them as well. It was hard to ever find the two of them apart from each other.

“Thank you for doing my nails Asmo!” Lena chimed, “Your skills are amazing!”

Asmo grinned with brimming confidence, “Of course they are Leee-na. I’m an absolute master with nail art.”

“He’s also the best hair stylist.” Lilly chimed.

Asmodeus’s room had transformed into a spa for the two female residents and himself. The human was laying on his bed with a face mask and cucumbers over her eyes as her toe nails dried. Her hair was in a towel and she was completely relaxed as she sipped on her mimosa.

The nephilim had a peel on her face as she sat in a lavish chair while the demon painted a cute black cat on her accent nail. She too had her fill of mimosas as they relaxed from a week of cramming for a chapter test in alchemy. The math involved was exhausting, but she’d probably do well enough.

“Your brother is almost as bad as my old man when it comes to studying. I’m doing my best to be civil about it, but it’s getting on my nerves…”

Asmo gave a dramatic sigh, “If you think he’s bad now, wait until midterms. It’s a boot camp nightmare.” He then exchanged looks with Lilly as she peeked at them from her cucumber. He was underselling Lucifer’s regime.

“You know….” Asmo began with a sly voice, “I’m surprised Levi isn’t in here to get his nails painted…” Lena knew he was just baiting her at the mention of his brother. He wanted to open a dialogue to gossip about their relationship.

Shrugging, “I offered an invitation but Levi’s nails are still great from the last time you painted them. He’s also really engaged in a super hard game. The last time I saw him, Beel and Belphie were watching him battle a boss. It was getting intense in there…” It was also extremely cute, she thought.

“I’m just saying, given the fact that he’s the Avatar of Envy, I figured Levi to be a little more possessive and be following you around a lot more.” his younger brother admitted.

“Not gonna lie…” Lilly added, “I kinda anticipated that myself.” The brothers were all very possessive and it was easy to picture any one of them being like that. Well, Lucifer excluded. He was too damn cocky to believe anyone would stray from him ever.

Lena thought about it for a moment, ‘Well, I took your collective advice and talked directly with him when we went on that first date. I laid it all out for him: I’m not being held down to any single relationship. And in a kinder manner, that I basically don’t want to deal with jealousy. I’ve given up on monogamy….” he chuckled for a moment, “He actually compared me to you Asmo, and then asked if I wanted to start a reverse harem...and ya know what, I kinda like that idea haha!”

The other two blinked for a moment and joined in the laughter. “Pffft, that’s definitely a Levi-type of conclusion…” Lilly chuckled. She peeled the cucumbers off and ate them as she sat up. “It looks like you guys reached an amicable agreement then?”

The nephilim looked upward, clearly thinking about it for a moment. “We have. He agreed to an open relationship and to not be overly clingy with me. It’s beneficial to the both of u-”

“BOTH!?” Asmodeus interrupted, “Please explain!!?! Has my big, nerdy brother been hiding some secret affairs over these past few centuries?!” Why would it benefit the both of them, when only one of them has even been in multiple relationships?

“Oh, it’s quite simple really,” Lena chuckled, “His 2D waifus. I won’t ever complain about them or come between him and his fandom and I can have relationships with others as well. Besides, we’re immortal beings...forever is a realistic timeframe for us...why cling to each until we both become miserable? Monogamy hasn’t ever worked for any immortals I know...what about you?” Of course she was asking Asmo as he finished her last nail.

The demon shook his head as he released her hand and got his DDD ready to take pictures of his work for the gram. “Not that I’ve ever paid attention to it, I really can’t think of anyone...even angels drift apart and take loooooong breaks.”

“Well that’s a bit depressing….” Lilly mumbled.

“Oh, Lilly dear...don’t get depressed about it. It’s the beauty of humanity. You guys are far more capable of having a one, true love...not that you have to stick to it. It’s a valid option though.” She didn’t mean to depress the human. In her very long life, Lena had been in 100+ year relationships with various long-lived beings and it never seemed to work out. She was now trying this open relationship thing so that she didn’t feel tied-down or tired. She didn’t want anyone she was with to feel that way either.

“It’s all good. I was teasing for the most part.” Lilly smiled, “There’s only so many ways a person can spice things up and keep their relationship fresh; I’m sure an immortal couple could really struggle after a few centuries. It’s that case in my favorite vampire novel series anyways…”

Asmo didn’t comment on the matter. He couldn’t relate since he was loved by all and could charm anyone he wanted. He never for a moment considered a relationship because he could never love anyone more than himself.

“So, since you’ve found a way for things to work, have you guys……?” He smirked at the nephilim.

“ASMO!” Lily shouted. He merely chuckled.

“It’s none of your business…” Lena responded.

“That would be a solid ‘No’ then.” He quibbed. Lilly exchanged a look with him and nodded.

“Y’all are both horrible! It’s hard given he’s so reclusive and nervous. But also very cute….NO! I’m not talking with you guys about this, especially you Asmo. I’m not giving you any ammo to blackmail Levi…” She paused for a moment and contemplated, “I know he’s shy. But I also….”

“Also what?” Lilly blinked.

“I don’t know how to approach him. I’ve never been with a demon. Are you guys...very different for other beings?”

“Oh, you wanna see? Hmmmm?” Asmo teased. Or was he?

“Stop it!” Lilly smacked his shoulder lightly.

“Lena. You’re gonna have to make the first moves on Levi. Good news is there won’t be much effort you’d have to put into seducing him. It’s just finding the opportune moment when you’re feeling it.”

The girls both stared at Asmodeus for a moment.

“What? Is there something on my gorgeous face?” He immediately felt his pale, rosey cheeks.

“No, you’re just being surprisingly perceptive and giving profound advice on the matter.” Lilly said, “Lena should definitely wait until she feels right before taking the move. Like you said girl, you’ve got eternity. Take your time. Levi is a great guy and I know he’d never pressure you...”

Lena smiled and looked-up while thinking about him. “Yeah, he’s great. Special. I have so much fun with him. It’s nice to have someone interested in the same nerdy stuff as I am and not being picked-on about it 24/7.” Her last relationship went down like that. “When he blushes simply by me taking his hand, or how shocked he gets when I sneak behind him and wrap my arms around his waist...oooh... He’s too cute!!!!”

The nephilim squealed and shut her eyes hard thinking about her Levi-kun and the other two just laughed at her. Her responses to his cuteness just didn’t match her aesthetic at all and they found it hilarious to watch.

"Oh.." Lilly chimed in again, "They're 'normal' I guess."

Lena and Asmo blinked at the human for a moment.

"You asked if they were, ya know, compatible. I've had the horror of accidentally entering the men's bath when we went on a trip to a demonic hotspring before...I wanted to shove hot pokers in my eyes..." Lilly cringed.

"Oh, that's right! Lilly got to see me in all of my glory...jealous?" Asmo grinned.

The trio laughed and picked on each other all afternoon.

****************************

“Okay, we need a few more pieces of paneling. I want some nice filigree border work.” Azriel said to himself out loud as he took a step back to look at the progress made on his sister’s room.

Zak stood in the doorway, hands in his pockets, as he watched his brother pace across the room. “Hey bro. It’s looking good. You really outdid yourself this time.” His siblings were super artsy, creative types. He couldn’t keep up with them on that. Instead, the middle sibling put any creativity into vehicle design and engineering. “Let’s take a break and go to Hell’s Kitchen for lunch. Then when we get back, you can spot anything else we need to do….”

“You do have a point. Let’s eat and come back with a new perspective…”

**************************

The nephilim brothers went for lunch, meeting up with Beelzabub and Belphegor. The twins were in the back corner, where the owner often put them so they weren’t a distraction for the other customers.

Belphegor had his arms folded on the table, propping his head up as he watched Beel chow down on ten burgers.

“Hey guys, can we join you?” Zak asked when he approached the demons.

“Sh--rr” Beel nodded as he wadded another large bite of food. Zak could have sworn the demon’s jaw had unhinged to take such a huge bite.

Azriel took a seat next to Beel. The two of them were the same height, though Azriel was much thinner, with more of a swimmer’s body then a body-builder’s. Zak sat by a groggy Belphie. They too, were the same height but different build. Zak liked to work out when he wasn’t working on a new engine.

“You guys about to finish remodeling?” Belphie asked with a yawn at the end, “I’m curious what you’ve done to my old...space.” Was it a bedroom or a prison? He didn’t know quite how to label the attic Lucifer kept him in.

Azri gave a pleasant smile, “Yes. It’s all coming along smoothly. Lena will be thrilled with it. It’s a touch of old european with her beloved gothic asethetic. She might not like the light-colored flooring, but it makes the space look bigger…” he went off into deep thought for a moment. Then, he saw some green in the corner of his eye and smiled, “excuse me for a moment…”

“Sorry, I swear Azri has ADHD or something...don’t mind him. ‘Creative Genius’ at work 24/7” Zak chuckled and looked at the menu.

“S’okay.” Belphie nodded and closed his eyes for a moment. “Sounds like you’ve had a lot of things to do. It’s nice putting in that effort for your little sibling.”

The twins and Zaksalamel chatted and ate their lunch, nearly forgetting that the elder nephilim had even came to Hell’s Kitchen. When he finally returned, there was an empty plate left at his spot.

“You shouldn’t have ordered and left when sitting by Beel…” Belphegor responded after seeing the shocked expression on Azri’s face. “Your food didn’t stand a chance...and apparently the napkin…”

“S-sorry….” Beel scratched the back of his head.

After a moment of silence, Azriel sighed, “it’s okay. That one was definitely on me….”

Zak noticed his brother’s cheeks get a little rosy. His mind was elsewhere clearly. What was he up to. “Hey, Devildom to Azriel...where’d you disappear to?”

“Oh, forgive my rudeness..again.” He suddenly returned to the conversation. “I just happened to see someone I know and asked for their opinion about the flooring choice…”

“Mmmh-hmmm…” Zak’s eyes narrowed at his brother, knowing there was something else to it. Azriel’s voice tone was suspicious. He’d leave it alone for now.

“So, anyways, I made the right decision, and I think we will be finished with everything in 2 days.” Azri clapped his hands together, chipper with the apparent results of the consultation he’d just had. “Beel, if you’d like to make it up to me for eating my highly-anticipated lunch, could you help carry furniture upstairs? You must be very careful…Lena is going to flip out when she sees it!”

As the four of them returned to the House of Lamentation together, Beel and Belphie walked some space behind the nephilim.

“They sure seem to care a lot about their sister to spend so much time on this room. I don’t think it was that bad..” Belphegor said quietly.

‘True. But, we’d do the same thing for our sister too. And that means Lilly as well…” Beelzebub nodded.

Agreeing, Belphegor let out a small sigh. He wasn’t sure about his own opinion of Lena so far. They didn’t start off on the best of terms. No, he’d admit that he behaved like a brat that day. But he never had the opportunity to get to know her or to apologize for his overreaction. Maybe he’d help with the furniture too?

#obey me #obeyme #om! #om! shall we date #obey me fanfic #obeyme fanfic #om! fanfic #om! headcanons #obey me headcanon #obeyme headcanon #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me simeon #obey me solomon

[windandwater]

I am sometimes jarringly reminded that most people in the US didn’t grow up just casually surrounded by deaf people: latest evidence was when my psychiatrist gave me a blank look when I said I got a sunrise alarm (an alarm that uses light rather than sound) to try waking up in a less jarring and more natural way.

I’d always known what they were because...I mean, I grew up around deaf people and that’s what they would use? anyone can use them for a variety of reasons but that’s why I knew they existed.

another time is any time someone thanks me or gets excited for “deaf representation” in my fics/writing. I understand but it’s also just...yes? there are deaf people in my fic because there are deaf people in life. “representation” shouldn’t feel like it carries the connotation of being slightly shoehorned in but it sometimes does and when I write deaf characters they always show up naturally. as all “diverse” characters should! it’s just, life experience makes it very easy for me to fold deaf characters in without thinking about it. it’s uncomfortable to be complimented for that. I didn’t really do anything.

I just...knew people...and tried to talk to them and failed a lot and put my foot in it sometimes but other times it was great and I met really cool people because of it. (there was a language barrier! it was rough! we all did our best but we’re all just people.) it’s weird to later on get all this kudos for just trying to communicate and be friends with people around you.

there are some signs I just use as part of my regular talking and I forget that people don’t just know what they mean?

(as such, I use them less and less and am increasingly sad to lose them)

I don’t get special woke points for any of this even if that was a thing...it was a matter of circumstance and my current circumstances have removed me from the deaf community which among other things makes me less fluent in ASL and my knowledge wildly out of date. so I dunno what the point of all this is. 

I think it’s that I grew up in a world with broader horizons than many people’s and then those horizons broadened somewhat (to include the queer community) but also narrowed (to exclude nearly everyone else) in a lot of other ways and I’m very very saddened by that sometimes. I miss signing. I miss knowing people whose worldview was different from mine. I wish the world was different than it is. I wish I could just talk to people the way I used to and it wasn’t a whole thing, to them or me or anyone else.

(backstory notes: I grew up near DC which has Gallaudet University, for deaf/hard of hearing folks, and as such many of my classmates/people in my community had hearing impairments or parents with them. Beyond taking classes in school in ASL I also learned it elsewhere. It’s the only language I’ve ever been good at. I think most of my friends/people I know knew at least a few basic signs--it was also very normal for us to do things like sign across the room or while someone was on the phone to quickly communicate. or learn how to sign the lyrics to a boyband song. ... shut up.)

#adventures in text posts #about me #eh this is probably a do not reblog #I'm kind of thinking out loud I don't have a point here

[eliotquillon]

the h.i.v.e timeline

(this is going to end up massive, so sorry in advance to all my none h.i.v.e followers).

obligatory disclaimer that while i’m trying to follow canon fairly closely here, i know i might have missed some details; this is a writeup of a google doc i made immediately after my feb reread and while i have reread books 1 and 2 since then, i haven’t had the time to double check anything from dreadnought onwards. there are also canon elements that i am deliberately ignoring/reordering, and i will make it clear that i am doing so when those details come up.

part one: student ages

currently, we only have two canon ages: raven, who is thirty-one in deadlock (or thereabouts; i’m basing this off her being 16 when she tries to kill nero and that being in the 15 years ago flashback), and otto, who we know turns thirteen just before he is sent to h.i.v.e (the specific age comes from the blurb of book one). we also know that nero taught diabolus and duncan cavendish as students, and that h.i.v.e was founded in the 1960s, which seems vague but actually gives us a lot to work with; cavendish’s records being faked implies that h.i.v.e does provide public examination results for its students, and that h.i.v.e’s entry year was deliberately chosen to parallel the english private school system (which, unlike the state system, is split into pre-prep, prep, and senior), where entry to senior school coincidentally takes place at the same age of entry to h.i.v.e

when it comes to making age estimations for students during the various points of the series, i’m making three assumptions:

1. all students in otto’s year are thirteen when they start h.i.v.e, just like otto.

2. otto turns thirteen in august 2006, making him one of the youngest students in his year, assuming the h.i.v.e school year starts in early september like most british schools. most of the ‘age’ section of this hinges off otto, because he’s the only student who is given an age and is seen celebrating a birthday.

3. the six years spent at h.i.v.e span what would be year 9-13 + the first year of university in the british system. in the american system this is grades 8-12 + the first year of university. therefore, students graduate at the age of nineteen.

h.i.v.e:

every first year alpha is thirteen.

the overlord protocol:

this is still set in first year, but is months after the events of book one. otto is still thirteen, but we can assume that, at this point, some people have turned fourteen. my money would be on wing, shelby, and possibly franz as being the older kids in their year (and therefore fourteen), but the semantics don’t really matter.

escape velocity:

this is the first book with a sizeable time skip - we see otto trying to steal the end-of-year exam for second years. this means everyone is now at least fourteen, and because (in my personal experience) late july/august birthdays aren’t very common, i’d wager that shelby, wing, laura, and franz are all fifteen; i’m excluding nigel here because i think, based off his physical description, he’s probably one of the younger kids in his year, and otto is obviously still fourteen, nearly fifteen. this is supported by raven telling otto that she was almost exactly the same age as the core four when she went on her first mission; we know from deadlock that she was sixteen, which would only be a year (max) older than the alphas at this point in time.

dreadnought:

dreadnought is set at the start of third year; we know this because the 93-percenter is specifically a third year field trip. this means that everyone, including lucy, is fifteen.

rogue:

rogue is where our perfectly constructed timeline slips, because it seemingly ages otto backwards - it is set thirteen years after we see otto being cloned in the tank, which would make otto thirteen even though he ends dreadnought at fifteen. there are multiple potential explanations for this - i favour the idea that otto is registered as older than he is biologically because he’s a clone/genius and was left at the orphanage with no birth certificate - but either way, i’m still going to say that otto is fifteen and that everyone else is a third year and either fifteen or sixteen. side note: otto’s benjamin button trick here is one of my least favourite ‘slips’ of the series and ruins what is otherwise one of my favourite entries.

zero hour:

there is a year between rogue and zero hour, meaning zero hour is set in fourth year and that otto is sixteen (and again, everyone else is either sixteen or seventeen). in my original doc, i made a note saying that apparently everyone is still in third year, but based off a quick search for ‘three’ and ‘third’ in the ebook, there’s no proof for that. lucy dies when she’s sixteen/seventeen.

aftershock:

there’s another short timeskip here, and based off the fact that this is when penny and tom join and that it’s the introduction of new security chief dekker, we can guess that this is the beginning of fifth year (incidentally, the fact that nero and raven are available at the beginning of the book to go meet joseph wright in london does appear to suggest that nero wasn’t needed to teach that day, meaning that there is some form of summer holiday at h.i.v.e). i also think it’s likely that this is fifth year because penny and tom a) had time to gain relative notoriety for their thefts and b) would’ve needed to be at least sixteen to leave school and local authority care (although tom is apparently a year or two older than otto and penny according to book one) and it being fifth year sets everyone at seventeen. seventeen is actually pretty old for the alphas to be taken to the glasshouse (raven went at age eleven), but i think it does make sense that the hunt was targeted, and not the third years on the 93 percenter; tom and penny actually had time to go to lessons pre field trip, and lucy didn’t, meaning that the 93 percenter mostly likely happens in the first few days of the school year and was organised before dekker became a member of staff, which wouldn’t have given the disciples the necessary time to plan and execute a retrieval. also, laura was obviously in fifth year and not third, making the hunt a far more attractive choice for anastasia to target.

deadlock:

deadlock is similar to rogue in that it fluffs an important timeline detail, but it’s not relevant to ages here, so i’ll revisit it later. it’s set several months after aftershock, but seeing as no other students are recruited to pad out the three left in the alpha stream and that aftershock was only set in the first month or so of the school year, i think it’s safe to assume that everyone is still in fifth year at this point, so either seventeen or eighteen. my gut feeling is that shelby, franz, and wing are all eighteen, and that’s because they’re allowed on the mission to break into the glasshouse; obviously we see them get into danger/be involved in plans before this point, but this is the first time we see nero actively sign off on them being allowed into a tactical situation with a known risk to life (and i’ve made a shitpost on this, but raven does say that nero would “have her shot” if she brought thirteen year old otto into a tactical situation back in the overlord protocol, so i think the only way nero would’ve allowed this to happen was if the remaining alpha students were all legal adults). the exception to this is otto, who would still be seventeen, but seeing as he isn’t an enrolled h.i.v.e student at the time of the mission, i don’t think nero’s no-student policy applies to him.

book nine:

obviously none of us know what’s going to happen, but i think it’s safe to say book nine will probably be set in otto’s final year, when he’s eighteen.

part two: adult ages

really, i should just be transparent and call this what it is, which is just blatant nero age speculation. while it’s implied that nero is immortal in book one, this is also literally never mentioned again, and the only physical indicator we know is that he has a streak of grey in his hair. however, i do have a bunch of info that can give some clues at how old nero really is.

1. nero taught diabolus, and is implied to have been headmaster of h.i.v.e at this time. we’re not really sure how old diabolus is, either, but seeing as he has a teenaged son and was old enough to have had a considerable career and be made head of g.l.o.v.e, he can’t be any younger than his late thirties by the time he pops up in escape velocity, and i’m guessing he’s inching towards fifty purely because he isn’t described as being particularly young when we see him in hong kong with nero 15 years before the events of deadlock. (i am, however, aware that this means nothing, because walden sucks at describing people). that means nero’s been teaching some forty years, which lines up with him co-founding h.i.v.e with his father in the 60s, and seeing as h.i.v.e is nero’s great passion project, i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 25 when h.i.v.e opened in the original icelandic facility. basically, this tells us what we already know: nero is old as shit, and doesn’t look it.

2. the duncan cavendish thing interests me a lot more, because we see that nero actively switched cavendish from polfi to alpha. again, it was already implied that nero was headmaster from the beginning, but this shows that nero was always running the show and wasn’t just initially his father’s apprentice as deadlock almost seems to hint at.

3. nero has a doctorate. “well duh”. but again, if nero had that doctorate when he founded h.i.v.e, he has to be nearing seventy. he could’ve gotten it earlier, sure, because nero is a very intelligent man, but he’s not otto-levels of academic genius. i don’t think he could’ve been any younger than 15/16 when he got his phd.

i did say that this would be an ‘adult ages’ section, so i’ll do a bit of background on raven, the only adult with timestamps. her being thirty one in deadlock makes her twenty seven in book one (if we follow the logic of otto being seventeen in deadlock), and because i personally believe the h.i.v.e timeline starts with book 1’s publication in 2006, this means raven was born around 1979 (which, if you subscribe to the theory that raven is elena and nero’s kid, makes her born after h.i.v.e was founded, which has some interesting implications about the origins of the glasshouse).

i know we’re all in mutual agreement about the soviet training being a bullshit throwaway line that walden wrote in before deciding to make raven a major player, but i’ll do the work of disproving it anyway: if raven was born in ‘79 and she came to the glasshouse at 11, that means she started her training in 1990. the soviet union officially fell in 1991, but the berlin wall fell in 1989, and the cold war was pretty much over by the time raven came to the glasshouse thanks to gorbachev’s new policies and military cuts. there is absolutely no way that the furans were soviet-funded, or that raven was trained by the soviet government. in fact, the only feasible way raven could’ve been trained by the soviet union in, quote from book 1 here, “their cold war prime”, would be for her to have been born almost a full 20 years earlier in the early 1960s, which would’ve made her middle aged in book 1. but, like, you tried walden.

part three: overlord

the overlord incident - the one that led to the destruction of the chinese facility and inadvertantly led to wing’s birth thanks to wu zhang and xiu mei shacking up together - is probably the most crucial part of the h.i.v.e timeline. without it, number one never would’ve been corrupted, otto wouldn’t have been born/manufactured, the seed code for h.i.v.emind wouldn’t have existed, cypher never would’ve launched his assault on h.i.v.e and nero (or felt the need to come into existence at all), and, of course, overlord himself wouldn’t have been the world’s most annoying LED lightshow for five books (because book one hardly counts). but even though raven had nothing to do with the original overlord incident, she’s still strongly linked to it. i’ll explain.

the overlord incident had to have happened before raven met nero. i can’t stress that enough, and this is the conflicting detail that i mentioned in deadlock. the nero’s internal monologue in the fifteen years before flashback appears to indicate that the overlord incident hasn’t happened yet - but that can’t be true, otherwise wing wouldn’t exist.

like i’ve laid out, wing is thirteen in late august 2006, and most likely eighteen (but at least seventeen) in 2010/11, aka deadlock. this gives him an approximate birth year of 1992/3, and all roads lead back to raven, who would’ve been fourteen when wing was born. already, that makes her too young to have met nero pre-overlord incident. but even more importantly, wu zhang and xiu mei only ended up together because of the overlord incident. like i said, if it weren’t for overlord, wing would not exist. we don’t know when wu zhang and xiu mei‘s friendship turned to romance, but if xiu mei got pregnant in 1992 (which fits with either of wing’s birth years - either he’s late ‘92 or early ‘93), i’d wager they got together in 1991 at the latest. raven would’ve been twelve.

i’m putting the overlord incident at a tentative year 1990, which would’ve allowed plenty of time for xiu mei and wu zhang to escape china together and fall in love before wing’s birth, and also gives overlord a handful of years to start corrupting number one to convince him into cloning himself to make otto (who was dropped off at the orphange in august ‘93). raven came to the glasshouse in 1990. there is absolutely no way she could’ve met nero while he was still making arrangements for overlord, unless wing was born after 1995 when raven tried to kill nero, in which case wing wouldn’t have been at h.i.v.e at the same time as shelby and laura (and nor would otto, come to think of it).

anyway, i’ll do a tl;dr with the final timeline below.

TL;DR (final timeline)

1960s: h.i.v.e is founded.

1979: raven is born.

1980s: both duncan cavendish and diabolus darkdoom presumably attend h.i.v.e during this period. the zero hour contingency plan is drawn up.

1990: overlord is created in a lab in northern china, and is destroyed by number one. it then takes up host in his body. there are three named survivors: nero, wu zhang, and xiu mei. raven is sent to the glasshouse.

1991: wu zhang and xiu mei move to japan and rename themselves as the fanchus. they fall in love around this point. this is also the year where raven tries to escape from the glasshouse and claws out pietor’s eye.

1992: overlord/number one starts work on cloning himself. xiu mei falls pregnant, and possibly gives birth.

1993: otto, shelby, wing, nigel, franz, laura and lucy are all born at varying points throughout the year. this is most likely also the year where dimitri is shot by anastasia furan, and raven is forced to murder tolya.

1994: presumably the year when h.i.v.e’s original location is compromised, and plans start being made to relocate from the icelandic facility.

1995: nero meets with the architect/his father to discuss his plans for the new h.i.v.e facility. raven tries to kill him. the first glasshouse burns.

1996-2005: construction on h.i.v.e 2.0 is completed. overlord slowly takes over more and more of number one’s body. survivors of the overlord incident start disappearing. xiu mei dies of unknown causes. nero receives his half of the amulet. lucy’s parents die of natural causes and she is sent to italy. gregori leonov’s son, yuri, attends h.i.v.e and graduates. cypher pops into existence around this time. diabolus darkdooms fakes his death.

2006: otto, wing, laura, shelby, franz, and nigel start attending h.i.v.e (cue the events of book one). duncan cavendish becomes prime minister.

2007: cypher launches his assult on nero after successfully convincing the contessa to join his cause. after cypher is captured and his identity is revealed, nero keeps him alive unbeknownst to number one. by august, everyone is fourteen.

2008: cue the events of escape velocity. number one and the contessa die. diabolus darkdoom is elected leader of g.l.o.v.e. cue the events of interception point. otto turns fifteen. lucy joins h.i.v.e at the beginning of september and the events of dreadnought take place. otto does not return to h.i.v.e.

2009: events of rogue. cypher and pietor furan die. otto turns sixteen at the end of august. laura’s baby brother, douglas, is conceived.

2010: douglas is born. the events of zero hour occur. lucy dies. overlord is destroyed. nero becomes leader of g.l.o.v.e and fires the ruling council. duncan cavendish steps down. construction of the new glasshouse is completed. otto turns seventeen. penny and tom join h.i.v.e. the events of aftershock occur, and otto is expelled.

2011: the events of deadlock occur. raven turns thirty one. tom dies. the new glasshouse is destroyed. the countdown for the disciples’ new batch of clones begins at 99 days. the artemis project discover the existence of h.i.v.e. at the end of year, otto is eighteen.

2012 onwards: otto turns nineteen and hopefully graduates h.i.v.e.

#h.i.v.e #otto malpense #the overlord protocol #escape velocity #deadlock #rogue #zero hour #aftershock #long post

[ablednt]

Im not a terf and im sending this in 100% good faith because I like u and i like ur blog but the women post was not it. I think its valid to want more inclusive language but when cis women talk about their oppression they should be allowed to say women because they are talking about their own experiences, u know? Policing an oppressed group of people’s language use when talking about their oppression is peak entitlement.. this is like telling disabled people they cant say disabled while talking about their oppression because other people experience oppression rooted in ableism (any oppression that paints a group as less capable or less intelligent comes from ableism)

Also, while ur right that in some aspects cis women have privilege over trans men (cis privilege) it’s really dangerous to act like trans men are never misogynistic because they often are. Same with nb people. It’s not that black and white, u kno? Anyways i hope the terfs leave you alone soon /:

Yeah maybe I could have been extra clear but I didn't say they shouldn't use the word to talk about their own experiences.

Every discussion on misogyny uses the terms women and men only, centers the cis binary only. Any resources for victims of misogyny and for misogynistic abuse use the terms for women only.

And there's entire discourse groups of cis women dedicated to being transphobic to transmasc and nonbinary people because they can't realize that whilst transmascs can be misogynistic and I'm not at all denying that they are still largely victims of misogyny. Most of the transmascs I know are because a large part of the community isn't able to magically become a man in the eyes of cis men. It's just not nearly as simple as cis and binary people want to make it.

I'm frustrated because I am not allowed to be nonbinary in the eyes of cis women. Even the ones who are supportive of me call me a woman regularly, because I undoubtedly experience misogyny so they will always view me as a woman. Until recently I've always said I'm woman-aligned solely because I knew cis people would never acknowledge me as anything different than that and even when I've tried to gently remind people otherwise it was made clear by the community if I wanted resources for my abuse, if I wanted any space for discussion on just about anything, if I wanted any acknowledgement for being "not man" then I had to ID as a woman.

So I tried to word that post in a way that would get it through to cis women that if they arent talking about themselves or binary women, if they are talking about a general issue that they're trying to start a community discussion about, then they need to stop excluding nonbinary people and everyone else with the same experiences.

Because I'm very tired having that label forced on me every time someone talks about our shared experiences. It's not just women who experience misogyny, and I am not going to change that view just because cis women don't want to think about gender outside of their own experiences.

We have to bend over backwards for cis women because of the misogyny they face even when we face the exact same things. Like not only do I have cis men making my life a living hell the same as theirs I have to deal with their transphobia and forcing a binary on me. Cis men have never and will never acknowledge nonbinary people and gnc transmascs who aren't trying to appeal to their perceptions of men as men. So we don't get the same privilege as cis men and can and often do experience the same things as cis women, all of this is misogyny so why should we only get to call it that if we call ourselves women?

The point of that post was "please use inclusive language before I drown in the dysphoria that I'm getting from being forced by the whole of society to ID as a woman to have my problems acknowledged."

But I was trying to be patient and polite about it and when I said "limit the word woman as much as possible" it was because cis people have had a history of doing the bare minimum so if they tried that they'd still be very much underdoing it. But I shouldnt have said that I should have made it clear from the start and that's on me tbf. Because it was too easily misunderstood and too easily demonized (not by you obvs your criticisms are valid) as well.

I could have worded it better yes. But I'm allowed to talk about the transphobia I face as a nonbinary person to cis women specifically and I'm allowed to ask that they acknowledge their privilege and do something about it.

I will be deleting that post soon anyway because it's now just a swarming ground for transmisogynists and if I remake it ill reword it.

But I'm done trying to appeal to cis women because it's very clear to me if we aren't telling them we're basically cis women but please call us by they/them haha then they will decide we don't belong in their spaces and we don't deserve their solidarity. And that's absolutely crushing to me but until cis women start to acknowledge that gender is so unbelievably complicated and that intersectional feminism means acknowledging that everyone who isn't a cis man will experience a fluctuating level of misogyny based on how they're perceived then we will achieve nothing. And I'm tired of it.

Basically I'm disillusioned with cis feminism because they say it's intersectional but that comes with the unspoken expectation that people who aren't cis (including trans women because they get put through the worst of it because they have TME people as a whole to deal with and I cannot speak on what that's like as I'm TME) cater to them and support them wordlessly and put all of our needs secondary.

Cis women talking about their own experiences and being cis women isn't the problem and I never ment to apply that but the label "woman" is forced on so many trans and nonbinary people who don't ID with it automatically because it is the only label ever used to discuss misogyny because cis women are the ones leading every convo and that's exactly the problem.

Hopefully that gives some insight.

#thank you for your ask tho op #i appreciate that youre taking the time to discuss this #long post #ask to tag #dont rb #im just. so tired #and i didnt realize i experienced dysphoria but now i want to sob bc i cant escape being pereived as a woman #and the people who say theyre solidarity would flip their shit the minute i try to be anything other than their perception #and im tired of it im tired of this i want to cry

[rafespeaks]

Pokémon Sword and Shield, From the Eyes of a Veteran (Critique)

I want to preface this by saying I have been playing Pokemon since before I can remember. It has been a staple of my childhood since day one and is an incredibly important franchise to me. I have nothing but love for it, and I wish the franchise success and a long life far into the future. That being said... I have some big issues with this latest generation. Big enough that I’m writing out my thoughts for everyone to see for the first time.

As a note, I am not a competitive player, nor do I think I ever will be. I don’t have the patience or technical mind to focus on all the finite mechanics and breed the statistical ‘very-best’ Pokemon out there. As such, I will not be focusing on those aspects (or at least not nearly as heavily as others might).

Now, let’s begin.

As a starting point, let’s start where Nintendo always does when introducing a new region and generation

The Pokémon

Every new generation of Pokemon comes with brand-new creatures for everyone to love. However, some generations just have... more than others. The original games had 151 Pokemon total to catch, collect, and love. And from there, more were added. Here’s the count:

Johto: 100 Hoenn: 135 Sinnoh: 107 Unova: 156 Kalos: 72 Alola: 88 Galar: 81

This is not accounting for the new Pokemon introduced in Galar’s DLC, as that has yet to come out, or old Pokemon that were given a Mega Evolution or regional variant. Kalos added 30 Mega Evolutions, plus an additional 20 from ORAS. Alola added 18 regional variants, and Galar added 13 of their own (not counting the DLC Slowpoke) plus 24 Gigantimax forms (25 if you count Flapple & Appletun as separate, and 26 with Melmetal).

Numbers-wise, Galar did... okay. Not great. But okay. It still passed up Kalos, at the very least, which was a huge point of contention among fans when gen 6 came out. However, if I had to sum up my feelings towards the new Pokemon I could do it easily with one phrase: they’re very ‘hit-or-miss’. And while new Pokemon that I don’t care for tend to grow on me over time, there’s just one problem with that. They can’t grow on me if I don’t ever see them.

Don’t get me wrong. I have no problem with old Pokemon being in the new games. In fact that’s something I love! But when you want the players to connect with the new being introduced, you have to give them a chance to do so.

This was the first region in what felt like ages where I went in without a plan of what I wanted on my team. Typically, I go with a simple, easy-to-follow formula. Grass, Fire, and Water take up three slots. Add in a Flying-type, as Water and Flying were highly important for transportation in earlier games. And for coverage, the last two spots go to Electric and Ground or Rock. Anything else, I try to cover for with getting as many dual-types as possible. Simple. Effective. Tried and true.

However, after choosing Scorbunny as my starter, I encountered a problem. There are only two Grass-types to choose from, and neither are particularly good for my strategy. Eldegoss, which I ended up going with, is a pure Grass-type and can ONLY learn Grass-type damaging attacks, unless you want to track down the single Bug-type TR it can learn, or use one of the few compatible Normal-type TMs/TRs.

The second Grass-type is Applin. And while both evolutions have better type coverage, there are still problems. One, Applin on its own is pretty bad. The only moves it knows when caught fresh from the wild are Withdraw and Astonish. While that isn’t too horrible in and of itself, the fact that its evolutionary item can only be obtained near the end of the game makes it a horrible choice. Since I was about to take on Nessa and had no access to this item, I was forced to either choose Eldegoss or something from a previous generation. And since I was trying to use all-new Pokemon, Eldegoss it was. (Though on the upside, I realized it had plenty of potential to be a competitive wall.) Now, if you are intent on getting a Flapple or Appletun, you can persevere and evolve one. Now you have your grass dragon! Great! Except... its level-up moveset is pretty bad to begin with... You will have to dedicate a lot of time to training or hunting down TMs and TRs to make up for this seemingly MASSIVE oversight.

This is just one example, of course. And while coverage isn’t particularly BAD considering all the old Pokemon included, it could be much better.

Continuing on from this topic is another that has had a lot of fans, including me, up in arms.

The Pokédex

Dexit.

Nearly 900 Pokemon, cut SEVERELY down to 400. It’s unprecedented. It’s unfair to the fans of cut Pokemon, completionists, and old players waiting on transferring all their partners from previous games. Frankly, it sucks. And I think every Pokemon fan can agree, no matter the reason.

While some similar things to this have happened before, it has never been this bad. Unova did it right - the only Pokemon available to the player through the main story of Black and White were the newly introduced ones. After defeating the Elite Four, finishing the game, and the credits are done rolling however, all previous Pokemon were welcome in the region once more. Alola didn’t exclude any older Pokemon, but for the first time in any Pokemon game, we did not get a National ‘Dex. Even so, the Pokemon unavailable natively in Alola were still transferable and usable in the new generation. And while it was a bit disappointing not to get any new entries for some old favorites, it was understandable. Coming up with new world lore is hard work!

Nintendo said that all these Pokemon were cut due to time constraints and limitations with the memory. Unfortunately, these are issues that could be fixed easily, which just... weren’t. Sword and Shield could have gone the same route that Zelda: Breath of the Wild did and simply extended production time. As Shigeru Miyamoto once said, “A delayed game is eventually good, but a rushed game is forever bad.” And it shows in Sword and Shield in so many ways.

The memory limitations is, honestly, just a bad lie in my personal opinion. This opinion is only proven to me by the DLC reintroducing over 200 Pokemon from prior games. It’s not that Nintendo couldn’t - it’s that they didn’t give themselves the time. I had hoped for free updates in the future to remedy this, and that’s what’s happening. But not in a good way. (They also cut a plethora of Pokemon moves, which was also heavily disappointing, but the loss there couldn’t be felt nearly as much as over half of the total Pokemon being straight-up unavailable. Every one of those is someone’s favorite!)

Even if the memory WAS an issue, there are so many things that were, ultimately, unnecessary to me that they could have done without. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

Dexit aside, there’s another issue that needs to be addressed with the Pokedex that I’ve touched on already - distribution of Pokemon. There’s just... way too many, way too fast, and not enough of the new Galar Pokemon to go around. I am a Player who takes the famous tagline ‘gotta catch ‘em all’ fairly seriously. As I progress through the game, I am always compelled to search for every Pokemon on a route and catch, at the very least, the basic form of that Pokemon. While I haven’t managed to complete the Pokedex on my own or build a Living ‘Dex yet, those are both major goals I have.

However, shortly after first stepping into the Wild Area, I was overwhelmed. Too many Pokemon were coming my way, with too many variations in weather meaning it would take ages to catch all the Pokemon available to me in a route before moving forward in the story. While the Wild Area is a marvel, fun to explore, and an amazing way to experience Pokemon, it’s all just too much to throw at you in one huge chunk. Plus, there’s one very annoying, very artificial limitation that just feels completely out of place in a game that traditionally has had nothing quite like this. The Pokemon-catching level cap.

Now, level caps have been talked about among fans of the series, especially those that would like a sort of ‘hard mode’. This is not what they were talking about. Level caps have been used in previous games to prevent a player from transferring or trading overpowered Pokemon to the game and breezing through it as fast as possible. If you don’t have enough badges, the Pokemon will not listen to you, and you’ll be out of luck until you progress. Fans have suggested extending this level cap to all Pokemon, so that potentially even your starter will refuse to listen once it’s too strong. Personally, I wouldn’t enjoy such a change. But that’s why it’s only really suggested for a hard mode.

The way this level cap was implemented, however, was just... bad... I understand why it was done, but it can be put into practice SO much easier with one simple fix - utilizing Routes like previous generations did and closing off the higher-level areas to the player until they have progressed appropriately.

And that brings me to my next talking point.

Routes VS the Wild Area

Pokemon routes have always been included in every game, from the very beginning. They are the segue between towns, holding new Pokemon for you to battle and catch, the majority of free items to be found across the world, and a good few trainers to pit your team against once you’ve gotten past the first little chunk of story. To put it simply, routes are necessary. Without them, all the different towns would be one huge city, and specifically in Sword and Shield, there would be nowhere but the Wild Area to catch Pokemon.

That being said, the routes throughout Galar are... pretty tiny. I’d even say pitiful. What’s more, it seems that most of them have a short, straight path forward that discourages exploration and bettering yourself through battles with wild Pokemon and trainers. Sure, there’s the occasional arbitrary blockade that will force you to take the long way around, but once that’s done with, there’s nothing else to keep your interest. Glimwood Tangle in particular made me realize how far back they cut the routes. There was so much potential to make a sprawling forest out of it, and they just... didn’t. It was tiny. I wanted more, but they left it lacking in so much.

There’s an easy solution to this - making the Routes into mini Wild Areas. And, to accommodate all these huge routes, CUT BACK THE WILD AREA. Trust me - it needs to be smaller. This fixes the Pokemon distribution, the level cap issues, and the tiny routes all in one fell swoop. Instead of having one massive area with a bunch of sub-areas, have each route be bigger, with two to three sub-areas. The balance will make it much more impressive in the long run.

Speaking of balance, let’s talk about how this affected the pacing of the game. Even when I was taking my time, it felt like I was always rushing, rushing, rushing on to the next town.  Not to mention, there are far too many options in the story to let you skip over backtracking through a route you’ve already been through. I’ve just finished taking on Milo. I blink. I’m standing in the Pokemon center the next town over, prepping for Nessa’s gym. I just defeated Bea. I blink. Now I’m about to take on Opal. The only time I got a little time to breathe was when I had to travel through the Wild Area to get to the next town. And then it was all just so expansive that I... didn’t want to go back to the story. There were items everywhere. There were Pokemon to catch. I wasn’t done here - I had to explore. I had to find everything. Do all I could. Because that’s what you do in a route, right? You explore and find all the goodies to help you on your journey. So what comes after...?

The Towns

While the towns are gorgeous and each have their own charm, they all feel... almost empty.

Compare to previous games, and it’s obvious to see. Many buildings don’t allow you to go inside and explore. There is a distinct lack of NPCs. And the ‘big’ cities are decidedly small as a result.

Just take a look at Castelia City and Lumiose City. Both are huge, compared to the rest of the locations in the games. They have many buildings, many NPCs to fill them... People needed a map to avoid getting lost in Lumiose! Even in cities that are smaller scale-wise, such as in Alola, they never feel empty. There are plenty of places to go, people to talk to, and things to explore or interact with. You find new things all the time.

Meanwhile in Galar, the only things that seem to give the towns any purpose are the Pokemon gyms. And that is a massive shame. Especially when in prior games, there have been places I will make my way to, just to sit there and take in every little detail of the location, or where I’ll talk to every NPC and soak up all the lore. I go back to murals and statues and unique buildings. I go back to puzzles and the homes of legendary Pokemon. I go back to enjoy the things I’ve seen in a new light and reminisce about my journey. But in Galar... there seems to be very little to reminisce about.

The Story

This is the biggest disappointment for me. If all the rest of the game were awful, as long as the story is good, I can overlook it. As long as the story is good, I can enjoy any game. 

This story was not good.

As far as Pokemon stories go, they aren’t all complex, nuanced narratives. In the first games, you fight Team Rocket, who are just in it for the money. In Johto, it’s the same thing, with the addition of a rival that has a touching change of heart in the end. Things get a bit bigger in Hoenn, where the world-ending plots officially start in the form of weather crises caused by Team Aqua and Team Magma. In Sinnoh, the entire universe is threatened when Team Galactic aims to remake the world in their image. In Unova, the morals of you and the rest of the Pokemon world are called into question by PETA-- I mean Team Plasma. In Kalos... rich people want to kill the unworthy poor...? Yeah, I didn’t really get that story much either. And in Alola, you deal with alternate dimension aliens running amok. Safe to say things got quite a bit bigger as time went on.

Now we’re in Galar. Something’s going to happen. Something always happens. But when? How?

We get hints about the Darkest Day. Dynamaxing is still very new and not much is known about it. Sonia is looking into the legendary hero(s) that stopped the Darkest Day. But where’s the evil team? What’s their motivation? Where’s the action? The buildup?? Bede mentions he’s collecting Wishing Stars. Why??? We get to Hammerlocke and learn that the Wishing Stars are for the Chairman. But again, why? He mentions a problem has been bothering Rose concerning all Galar, but it’s such a brief moment that it’s easily dismissed. Where’s the action, or the stakes? Nothing has happened yet except we’re being pushed through the gym challenge as fast as possible.

Fourth gym. No sign of any real trouble yet. Except that jerk Bede just vandalized an ancient mural, just because... he wanted to? Yeah, he’s trying to find Wishing Stars, but literally NO ONE told him to make a spectacle of himself and ruin a piece of history in the process. We’re getting more hints about the past and Galar’s history, but nothing solid on what we’re supposed to be doing. Besides the gyms. EVERYTHING is about the gyms... Oh, and apparently Oleana is the one who asked Bede to collect Wishing Stars. Whatever. What does that have to do with anything?

Five gyms in now, and... Ka-BOOM!

FINALLY!!! Some ACTION!!! Something’s happening at the Power Plant, and Sonia’s detecting a Power Spot! Alright, let’s go! I’m finally going to be able to DO something! I’ll finally be able to see what’s going on and--

“You should leave the investigation on the quaking to the adults. Head to Circhester and get that Gym Badge!”

... What... No! No, I refuse! There must be something to see, even if it’s just Sonia, Leon, and the Chairman standing around after things have already been sorted out. I can talk to them and get a little dialogue on what’s going on! Except they aren’t anywhere to be found. No one around the gym, no one by the Power Plant door, nothing.

Sixth gym. More lore. Seventh gym. Heading out towards Raihan and BOOM! Trouble on Route 9! Leon’s here! NPC says I should go help! Heck yes, I will! It’s about time I got some action out here, it’s almost the end of the game!

Run outside, there’s Leon! And... he dismisses you. Again. Says ‘nope, I’ve got this, gym gym gym, see you!’

No way am I taking that laying down. I’m right on his heels - I should at least be able to see him battling or something, right? But no. In the seconds it takes to run after him, Leon has beaten the threat, he’s gone, and now Hop is waving a news article about the debacle in your face, complete with picture! How the hell did all that happen so fast?! It takes time to write something like that up, never mind the time it must have taken to battle the Dynamaxed Pokemon that Leon faced!

The game is almost over, and what little action you could have seen has been blocked from you because you are a child. And I understand, from a moral perspective, that this is what any sane adult would say to a child. But from a story perspective it is a horribly bad writing choice. It gives you a little taste of the story, a tiny hint at what’s going on, and yanks any real explanation away from you until the very end, where you’re floored by everything happening all at once. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Finally, Professor Magnolia mentions that the issue the Chairman is worried about is the future of Galar’s energy. But... why? We have seen no hints of a problem with that throughout the entire game. No mention of shortages. Nothing about global warming or sustainability. It seems there’s exactly zero reason for anyone to worry, much less turn this into a huge issue that needs to be addressed. It’s one thing if a crisis is there and people are ignoring it. It’s another matter entirely if there is no crisis whatsoever to be seen, even if you look for it. And even if there was any sort of issue, Leon once again tells you to do nothing. Nothing at all. 

Eighth gym. On to the Championships. Blah blah, tiny snow route, nothing even remotely close to a Victory Road... In Wyndon now. Still bubcus about an evil team or anything that you can actually DO something about. The Semifinals happen. Leon goes missing.

Suddenly, you’re thrown into a situation you know nothing about to save this miserable dope. And when you get to him... he doesn’t even need any saving! He’s just having a pleasant chat with this jerk! Drag his butt out of there, then the Finals happen. Now you’re gearing up to face Leon himself. Only to be stopped by Rose SUMMONING ARMAGEDDON TO SOLVE A NONEXISTENT ENERGY CRISIS HE SEEMINGLY MADE UP.........

It makes no sense whatsoever. And unlike in Unova, where the interruption to your Elite Four challenge made sense, these TWO interruptions did not. Leon even promised to help Rose after he finished his Championship match against you! Why couldn’t Rose wait a single day? Or even a few hours? ... I digress.

Anyway, Rose awakens Eternatus, who is the source of Dynamax energy. (Necrozma & Totem Pokemon vibes much?) Leon goes up to capture it, just as Rose planned, and gets his butt kicked, not as planned. Meanwhile, the player and Hop made themselves useful for once, went to find the Sword and Shield from legend, and used them to call Zacian and Zamazenta. Together, all four of you defeat Eternatus! Yaaay for yooouuu!!!

...

Oh. And you finally have that Championship battle. Get that win squared away. Finally, but also way too soon, the credits role.

Perhaps I may have been a bit harsh about the story. But with very little to make up for it, I feel justified in everything I’ve said here. But I’m still not done. After all, a story can’t have no one helping the protagonist along. Or hindering them. Severely.

The Characters

Unfortunately, many of the characters were just as bad as the story. However, for the most part, it doesn’t entirely seem like their fault. There just wasn’t enough time spent on them, or the writers handled them poorly.

Let’s start from the beginning.

Hop

He’s a friendly rival. Okay, I can get behind that. But he’s also very self-absorbed throughout the entire story. Why are you even friends with him? He doesn’t once talk to you about anything other than how he’s going to be the next Champion. He cheers you on occasionally, but it’s always overshadowed by him harping on the same things over and over again - his brother is The Best and he will defeat him to become The New Best.

Many people say Hop is very much like Hau. I say that’s an insult to Hau. Hau is a laid-back free spirit who’s only goal starting out is to have fun with his Pokemon. He supports you and gives you items along the way because that’s just his nature. He’s a true friend. And when things get a bit tougher, he realizes he needs to step up and take things seriously if he wants to protect the ones he cares about. So he does.

In my opinion, Hop is more like Green in his approach to you, except a bit more friendly. In fact... I’d say he’s MOST like the Diamond/Pearl/Platinum rival, Barry. They’re both braggarts, self-absorbed, and constantly, casually putting you down even though you’re clearly better than them. Long story short, Hop is infinitely annoying like Barry is annoying. I was shocked at myself for how eager I was to beat Hop evey time, and how uncaring I was when Bede crushed his spirit. Hop’s mopiness and woe-is-me attitude felt very forced, especially since he was always smiling and still constantly talked about how he was going to beat you and Leon both.

Not to mention how his story ultimately ended... But I’ll get to that a little later.

Leon

For as annoying as Hop is, Leon is ten times worse. I can see where Hop got all those self-absorbed tendencies. He strikes a dumb pose every five seconds, goes on about how great and undefeated he is, constantly basks in the attention of his fans... Not an ounce of humility or humbleness in this man. Not to mention, he pretty much abandoned Sonia during their journey together. I couldn’t wait to ruin his whole career. But if there’s one positive thing I can say about him, it’s that his team is legitimately tough. Mostly that demon Charizard.

Sonia

She’s nice enough, and it’s pretty neat to see her on her journey to becoming a full-fledged Professor. But her progression to that ultimate payoff seems pretty rushed, probably because the rest of the story is rushed. Also, she consults with you about many of the legends she digs up, and the dialogue choices ultimately mean YOU are drawing the conclusions while SHE just agrees with them. By all rights, I should be the Professor in this game! 

Marnie

Honestly, I don’t have a strong reaction about Marnie either way. She just seems a bit subdued, we don’t see her very much, and there’s no real character arc that we get to see her go through. She’s the same as when we first saw her, only now she knows she’s not going to be the Champion, because you are. 

Bede

He’s a little jerk. And honestly? I love little jerks. But only if they’re done right.

Green was a jerk rival that was done right. He didn’t see the error of his ways throughout the entire game. However, come the Johto arc, he is now a gym leader, realizes he was treating his Pokemon poorly, and it’s implied he regrets his harshness towards Red.

Silver was another done right. He was a jerk from the very start, and a thief to boot. He hated you, and Team Rocket, and... all the world really. But as the game progressed, he came to realize that he needed to be kind. And by the end of the game, he has a Crobat. While his abrasive personality is still there, he respects you, and realizes you were right.

Bede, on the other hand, was pushed through the plot. First, he was working his hardest for the sake of the Chairman. Then when he was forsaken, hurt, and lost for a purpose... he wasn’t allowed to find his way himself. Instead, Opal snatched him away and demanded that he become the next Fairy-type gym leader. She even went so far as to force him to change his type preference! What happened to Gothorita and Duosion?! (Don’t get me wrong, I love Opal as a character. She’s probably my favorite out of everyone. But still...)

Bede should have come into his own by his own choice. And since he didn’t, the change seems like it... wasn’t a change at all. He’s still harsh towards you and others, and the respect he says he has for you seems insincere.

Piers

Unlike the rest of the gym leaders, Piers takes a slightly more active role in the plot once the ball FINALLY gets rolling. So I figured I’d talk about him, too. Piers seems... a lot like Nanu. Like A LOT. And that doesn’t really seem to fit with his rocker look or job. He just seems depressed and like he doesn’t want to be here. At least he’s a fairly responsible brother, always making sure Marnie is safe. I never did get past that hair though... Never liked it. But I seem to be in the minority there.

Oleana

She’s just... She seems like a Rose-obsessed Lusamine, instead of Ultra Beast-obsessed. Except her manipulation of children is more subtle. Honestly, I can see her being a formidable villain, and actually a much bigger threat than Rose. If only she was given the opportunity to actually DO more things through the game.

Chairman Rose

Rose is... Well, he doesn’t feel like a villain, if that makes any sense? He’s too placid. Mild. Calm. There’s no anger or any kind of intense emotion. Even when he’s disappointed in Bede, I don’t really... believe it. It’s like he ordered an ice cream and realized it doesn’t come with sprinkles. “Oh. That’s very slightly disappointing. But it’s still ice cream so it doesn’t really matter. It’s fine.” Even if you want to do a villain without strong emotions, there are other ways to do it.

Cyrus, jokingly referred to as having depression by the Pokemon fanbase, is a big example of this. He is very non-expressive, with a flat, almost scary look. He always talks analytically, and philosophically. He even openly scorns emotions. But when he does finally get a bit more heated and unhinged towards the end of the game, it’s a serious business. He feels dangerous.

Rose, on the other hand... doesn’t. He has all this supposed passion for Galar and its future. So much so that he’s willing to risk putting people and Pokemon in imminent danger to fix this energy crisis he seems to have made up... So then where is that passion? Where is his anger and frustration towards Leon? Where is his desperation?

It seems to me that the only energy deficit in Galar is in Rose’s behavior.

We’ve covered a lot now, but still not everything. My main gripes are over, but like every Pokemon game, there’s just a bit more.

The Post-Game

Now the main plot is over, and you’re free to do as you please all across the region. Train up your Pokemon and catch newly available ones, explore places you didn’t go deeper in during the story, get a little extra tidbit of story sometimes... And to its credit, this game did deliver a decent post-game story to follow.

You saved the region. You met the legendary Pokemon. Now you have the Master Ball and it’s implied you can go off and get your featured legendary doggo. Fantastic! But once you make your way into the Slumbering Weald... these guys show up. Oh, and Hop is there moping. And Sonia shows up too, for some reason.

But these guys... These guys were arrogant little jerks from the beginning. And it makes sense once you learn they’re a part of Galar’s royal family - the descendants of the people who supposedly stopped the Darkest Day from happening and saved the region. Of course, now everyone knows that’s not true, and they’re pissed about what this means for them. Their family isn’t anything special. They aren’t anything special. Their status and positions have been taken away and given to Pokemon! It’s insulting to them! (Though they still have a loyal following.)

So what do they do? Pumping Zacian & Zamazenta full of Dynamax energy and causing them to wreak havoc will absolutely turn the people of Galar against them! And the cost? Eh, they don’t much care. As long as the legendary Pokemon look bad and they’re able to retain their status.

Of course, their plan backfires, and in true benevolent legendary fashion, the one legendary they do manage to overload with power does its absolute best to avoid hurting anyone. It’s a touching little story to go on. And what’s more? It actually makes sense! In fact, I would have greatly preferred this story as the main one focused on, rather than the hot garbage we got with Chairman Rose! My only gripe regarding the new story is how ridiculous these two princes are... Really Gamefreak? Swordward and Shieldbert? And that hair?? Do you have no subtlety anymore?

But as for wrapping up the old story... things still fall a bit flat. After the legendaries are calm again and you have your version’s pup, you go after Hop. And he is accepted by the other legendary in the duo. Considering everything he went through to try and get the sword/shield back just now, as well as his concern for and efforts to calm down the legendary, it’s understandable. He’s proven himself in their eyes. But then... he goes and decides to become Sonia’s assistant and work towards being a professor.

How did that happen? Why did it happen? There was no buildup in the slightest before this decision, and it seems very out of character for someone like Hop. He’s not technically minded. While he takes a mild interest in the legends of his home region (who wouldn’t when they’re that fun?), he doesn’t seem interested in doing any actual research. And now that he actually owns a legendary Pokemon, you would expect him to double down on his rivalry with you or at least aspire to do something more... heroic? Exciting? Why would a legendary Pokemon want to hang around when you’re not going to be utilizing them at all?

This extra little story is over very fast. Not only that, but everything you do pertaining to the story is done without having to struggle through a route or many other additional challenges. (Hey, a lot like the main story. Lack of travel/drawn-out struggle leads to pacing issues.)

Additionally, there are no new places to explore after the main story. Which really, REALLY sucks. Every Pokemon game has had more to see afterwards. Kanto had Cerulean Cave. Johto had an entire additional region, plus Mt Silver. Hoenn had lots of legendary Pokemon homes open up to you, plus the Battle Frontier in Emerald. Sinnoh had the entire Battle Zone. Unova had several towns and routes blocked off. Kalos had it’s own last town as well as a couple places you could go for legendaries, like Mewtwo. And Alola had an entire half of Poni Island. Galar has... nothing... Everywhere you can go in Galar, you will have access to before the Championship battle with Leon is over. And that’s a crying shame. They seem to be trying to remedy this with the DLC coming out, but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms. I’ll get into that later. First, there still something else I want to talk about...

Dynamaxing and Gigantimaxing

I get why this exists. I really do. Every single region has something that shakes up the way battles are done. Whether it’s more technical, statistic-based changes or something much more obvious. Hold items, double battles, tag battles, triple and rotation battles, Mega Evolving, Z moves, blah blah blah. We all know about that stuff, right? Each of the newer regions has some gimmick to go along with it. This is the Galar version. But unfortunately... when they implemented this change, they decided to get rid of the much-beloved Mega Evolutions entirely.

Now I could understand why they would do this with Z-moves. Dynamaxing is essentially the same thing, with the addition of more HP and the flashy, massive size of Pokemon to go along with it. Though it is disappointing, it’s not really a net loss.

But Mega Evolutions on the other hand... Those were something special.

Mega Evolution could have, potentially, coexisted with Dynamaxing. All it is is making the Pokemon bigger after all, right? A bigger Mega Evolution is doable.

But then the Gigantimax Pokemon come in... and thing start to make less sense. Basically, they made more Mega Evolutions, but named them something different. Why couldn’t they simply be more Megas? People LOVE Mega Evolution Pokemon! No one would have been mad at this! Except the people who, rightfully, say Charizard gets far too much attention. Three Mega Evolutions is a bit much.

But even then, if you’re so insistent on Gigantimax Pokemon being a separate beast entirely, then there’s STILL a way you can make Mega Evolution work in tandem with the new system.

Simply make Gigantimaxed Pokemon a Dynamaxed form of a Mega Evolution.

Okay, I know that was a mouthful and possible hard to wrap your head around, but imagine with me: You’re in a battle. You Mega Evolve your Pokemon. It’s stronger now. But you’re also in the position where you can Dynamax. You do so, and... instead of getting a bigger Mega, your Pokemon changes form a second time. So for example, let’s say you have a Charizard. Mega Evolve it. It is now a Charizard X/Y. Now Dynamax it. It is now the unholy lava abomination you see when you battle Leon. If you had not Mega Evolved beforehand, then it would have grown into a normal, everyday Charizard, But Bigger. 

This also takes away a completely arbitrary restriction - that not every Pokemon of a species can Gigantimax. I’m sure everyone knows by now, but let’s go over it again.

You have an Alcremie. You raised it from a Milcery, evolved it with your favorite Sweet, into your favorite flavor, whatever. Maybe it’s one of the strongest contributors to your team. But when you Dynamax it, it does nothing but get bigger. Then you see Opal’s Alcremie and wonder - how can I get my baby to do that? Is there a special item it needs to hold, or some other requirement?

Nope. Your Alcremie just isn’t good enough. It will never Gigantimax, because it was never capable of doing so in the first place.

With Mega Evolution, there is no limitation. You simply need to give your Pokemon the matching Mega Stone for its species and it can Mega Evolve, simple as that. you don’t need to find that certain special creature, when you already have a perfectly good teammate you’re attached to.

What’s more, Mega Evolution could be performed any time, anywhere, in any battle. Dynamaxing and Gigantimaxing is extremely limited to the Power Spots. Keeping Mega Evolution in would have lessened the disappointment of not being able to use the new mechanic casually. This was something that was heavily advertised when the game was first released, and to find out it’s so limited... I think it left a bad taste in a lot of fans’ mouths.

The DLC

Now... on to this... I’ve touched on this before, and I’m sure everyone can tell.

I am not happy.

First, the financial aspect. If you are going to charge $30 for a two-part expansion, make it apply to both game versions. This may not mean much to casual players, since they likely bought only one copy of the game. But to people who bought both, or share the two copies with family, this is a massive slap in the face. You would have to pay double, for the same content, so both versions are updated. That is a low, low blow.

Now, the Pokemon. I’m glad they are introducing new Pokemon (most of which seem to be Galarian forms or new Gigantimax forms), but there seems to be little reason why they held off releasing them in the first place. Legendaries, I understand. Others, not so much. And the over-two-hundred Pokemon that are being reintroduced isn’t something that should get a pat on the back. They’re fixing their own mistake. They shot themselves in the foot and now they’re trying to say “Oh look! We’re improving things! This bloody hole is going to be healed now! How great are we?” The only saving grace to this for me is that the Pokemon being reintroduced will be available to everyone (to transfer or trade over) via the free update mentioned before. And even then, there are still Pokemon missing!

The new areas now. While we have seen snippets by now, there has been nothing really definitive to go on. These new areas will be in the style of the Wild Area - that much has been made clear. But that makes me exceedingly nervous. Will they be empty, devoid of NPCs? What will there be to do? Just how big are these areas? If they are, in fact, exactly like the Wild Area... I am going to be deeply disappointed. Aside from battling/catching wild Pokemon and gathering items, there is very, very little to do in the existing Wild Area. But at the same time, if the area the DLC gives us is too small, everything will feel sparse and rushed, just like the story of the game.

Speaking of story, we aren’t really given anything meaningful about the DLC’s story, either. We were vaguely told that the two separate locations will be focused on the themes of ‘Growth’ and ‘Exploration’, and we were introduced to a small handful of characters that will be central to the story, but that’s about it. You’re training in the Isle of Armor, and you’ve been enlisted to explore the Crown Tundra. That’s all we know. Literally anything could happen. And that, again, makes me very nervous.

Gamefreak have said these DLC are supposed to take the place of the story changes a third game would make. But in this instance, I seriously believe Sword and Shield would have benefited from a second pass. Much like Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon had the “Good Ending” over Sun and Moon, I think a follow-up game could have amended a lot of the issues I’ve laid out. Though I couldn’t say if Gamefreak would have actually committed...

The biggest thing to me here is that... this is not necessary. At all. I feel as though these new locations, as well as the new stories, should have been included from the get-go in the base game. For free. Of course, if the scope of these stories is on par with the main storylines of Pokemon games, I can understand. But if it’s much smaller... I just can’t condone this.

It is a blatant cash grab. One that I can find no excuse for whatsoever. This game, and most everything that has come of it, has been such a dumpster fire that it has drained my love of Pokemon and left me with nothing but anger and a deep, dark disappointment. Gamefreak can do better. Nintendo can do better. I know they can. And I am willing to wait for good content.

They’re just not willing to give their fanbase the time to make that happen.

And speaking of blatant cash grabs...

Pokemon Home 

Pokemon fans have been wanting a cloud-based Pokemon storage system for years. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. But compared to Pokemon Bank’s YEARLY fee of $4.99, Pokemon Home’s premium fee for the same amount of time is quite shocking at $15.99 a pop. 

So what in the world went wrong here? Why is that price justified? While others have tried to explain it away by listing off all the different features, I say it’s not justified at all. And I’ll detail why below.

You see these graphs? Both of these contain all the points I need to make. And I’ll explain exactly why.

I’ll start from the top of the list and move down.

Transferring Pokemon is only available if you pay money for it. That means that if you want to get the additional Pokemon returning with the DLC releases, you either have to pay for the DLC or you have to pay for Pokemon Home. While transfer between games used to be free, that changed when Pokemon Bank was released. And while many people were understandably upset, the low price and additional storage space that Bank provided was enough for me to accept the change. Pokemon Home, on the other hand, doesn’t deliver enough for its price. It doubles the storage capacity Pokemon Bank had, and it introduces Room Trades. Which, honestly... don’t sound very appealing.

The number of Pokemon that can be deposited for free is... thirty. A single measly box worth. This may be enough for some people, but this, plus the box space in a copy of Sword/Shield, is not even enough to make a Living ‘Dex (if you want to include every different form of Pokemon. Otherwise it’s just barely enough). Not that you could make a Living ‘Dex anyway, with so many Pokemon still cut out. But back to the box capacity. For transferring only, this number might have been okay. But for storage purposes, this is only half a percent of the 6,000 potential Pokemon you could store if you paid up. Not even 1%. It’s 0.5%. It’s outrageous.

Wonder Trades, GTS trades, and Room Trades I’ll do together. For these features, I have little problem with the way they’re set up. The additional slots for trading are actually useful, and it makes sense to put them behind a paywall. This, I would be willing to pay for. Just not pay so much. Especially when this feature was taken out of the base game in the first place. Since the GTS was first introduced in Gen 4 (Sinnoh), it has been a staple of the game and a vital tool for completing the Pokedex, especially if you have no one to trade with in person. Many people were surprised and upset to find that the only trading function left in the base Sword & Shield games was the Surprise Trade, which is essentially Wonder Trade with a new name. However, while it is a little reassuring to have these features free to use, there is still a major limitation. It can only be done on the mobile phone version of Home.

This is something that has never existed before. You have never needed any device other than your gaming console. And to not have trades available in the Switch version as well is completely absurd. How do they expect children to use this? While tablets and smartphones have become more and more common, I doubt the vast majority of children have a device that is purely their own. They will have to nag their parents to download the app, and then further pester them each time they want to trade. Why not have that a part of the Switch version in the first place? It would be much more streamlined. I understand the practicality of having a Home app - I really do. It makes moving from Go to Home easier, I’m sure, and you now have added mobile usage when your Switch is out of range of an internet connection. But blocking features from the Switch makes no sense whatsoever.

Continuing on to the Judge function. Again, this was a feature that was removed from the main game. Not only that, but this time it is locked completely behind the paywall. When this feature came out just last generation, many competitive breeders were ecstatic. They no longer had to jump through hoops to determine that there was a Perfect IV baby in the hundreds, sometimes thousands of eggs they just hatched - they could see it right on the screen. And as a casual player, it was cool to see how many breedjects I ended up with. But it seems Gamefreak gave us a taste of a very good thing, then yanked it away, like candy from a baby.

On to the second chart. I already talked about the trading limitations, so I’ll skip over that. And it makes sense that moving Pokemon from the Switch games would be Switch Home exclusive, in addition to receiving Battle Points. There is nothing on your phone that can make use of BP. However, there are more phone restrictions that make no sense. Why can’t you receive Mystery Gifts or check Battle Data/News on the Switch? It’s certainly capable of it. Mystery Gifts in particular are another frustrating problem on par with the trading issue. The other two features I wouldn’t mind being mobile exclusive.

All in all, Pokemon Home is another hot mess for Gamefreak and Nintendo.

Conclusion

I know I’ve been rough on this new generation. Arceus knows I was pretty brutal, especially where the story was concerned. But that’s only because I know they can do better. Up until this point, we’ve been given some games that were downright masterpieces. I am highly disappointed in the creators, and I hope with all my heart they listen to their fans and do better going forward. Even if that means we have to wait a little longer.

What’s more, I seriously hope they don’t continue to financially extort their market. Charging this much for something so rushed and poorly executed is an insult. And if it continues... I’m afraid of where the Pokemon franchise may be headed.

That’s all. I’m sorry if I stepped on some toes here, but these are all my honest opinions. I hope that some of these things have validated others’ feelings, too, and perhaps that people look at some of these issues in a new light.

PS, I’m sorry for any abrupt tonal shift that might be seen between the “Characters” and “Post-Game” sections. I had to stop writing to go to bed, but then I didn’t get around to finishing until nearly a month later.

#Pokemon swsh #swsh critical #Pokemon Home #swsh #isle of armor #crown tundra #pokemon #pokemon critical

[bladengineer]

Bladebreakers: College Edition

anyone who’s already read my fics knows exactly what i’m about, so lets get straight to business about the college headcanons im about to slap yall with

also all under the cut bc this went way too long lmfao Hilary and Kenny should follow shortly bc it got really long and im just. oops

Kai is the first to go which is like. logical considering he’s the oldest and most driven out of all of them

not to mention he had the entirety of Hiwatari Corp. about to be put into his name as soon as he reached 18 and he’s just like aw man here we go

to be honest? he’s not keen on taking over the company, never has been (excluding the time where he felt obligated to under his grandfather’s influence) and the thought of actually having too just kinda. embitters him

so he gets himself sucked into the whole Business classes to get himself the necessary qualifications – and despite being bitter, he doesn’t half-ass shit so he studies on the regular

it isn't until Max wrangles him into finally giving his own interests a go and he changes his path to a History Major with a Minor in Business

he is so much happier

History, specifically Ancient History, had always been an avid interest in Kai’s books so he basically dives into his new studies with his own brand of stoic enthusiasm

its also the sole reason why he’s been amassing so many books in his personal collection at home, Hilary had implored him to buy bigger shelves after Max nearly broke his neck tripping over a loose pile

Kai likes to study alone, preferably in his private study (Tyson keeps making fun of him for having a private study at the age of 18, what are you, a grandpa? damn rich kid lmao) with soft instrumental music playing – he’s especially fond of rainy ambience music

of course, Kai is often seated at the back of the classes, but is indisputably one of the best students with very insightful and well-researched essays, naturally, most of his professors adore him

except a select few traditional-minded professors – they’re still bitter that Kai stood his ground when they had overlooked Cleopatra’s history and reduced her to the Ancient Sex Symbol and Kai was ready to cut a bitch at the blatant disrespect towards an Ancient Political Mastermind

the majority in his class has a fat crush on him but thats nothing new

Max, for a long time, had a bit of a dilemma as his parents urge him to start choosing his preferred path; was it going to be Engineering like his Mother or Mechanics like his Father, and honestly? the poor boy was so torn

in the end, he confessed he wanted to do neither – he loved Beyblade but it wasn’t something he wanted to dedicate his life to forever

instead, his heart had always belonged to the ocean and he dreams of being a Marine Biologist

his father was very supportive, while Judy had her doubts so it took a little convincing – in the end, her son’s joy was more important to her and she too gave her blessing for him to pursue his dream

Max goes on to major Zoology, directed towards marine animals, and takes up a minor in Engineering because hey, it pretty much runs in his family and it stayed an avid interest of his

his university wasn’t too far of from Kai’s own, so sometimes when he stays over at Kai’s he gets a free ride to class

he returns the gesture by always providing the best butter croissants for breakfast (they’re still warm too!)

Max usually studies in the campus library, noise-cancelling headphones on, bopping silently to whatever music he’s listening to as he reviews his notes for the next exam

he researches a lot for his topics and has collected so much trivia about the ocean and its inhabitants in general

Max: did you know jellyfishes have no brain? Kai: Max don’t bully Tyson Tyson: excuse me?

the professors love Max tbh, he’s always fully engaged within class so they usually let him get away with things mainly bc he’s just their Favourite

pretty sure half of the university knows of Max in some way or another, being a social butterfly and all and maybe having flooded the campus once by accident

Ray also had a hard time deciding what to do and what to study; being from a rural village with traditions certainly made him question wether he should pursue a modern career or stay within his community

the White Tigers were quick to kick his ass over it however, booting him straight to Kai’s doorstep and telling him to do what he feels was right for him

now, he’s managed to get himself applied to one of the prestigious university for culinary arts – he’s not too sure yet which path he wants to take in terms of culinary skill

he loves cooking and working in a kitchen, however after many work experiences he has found that working at the command of someone else wasn't exactly to his tastes, not to mention, he’d like to dabble in more traditional culinary arts

as of now, Ray particularly enjoys the sweeter side of cooking, preferring to create intricate pastries and confectionaries, often stemming from his chinese roots but also applying his skill within the japanese side of things

his homemade mooncakes are honestly to die for

next to his obvious passion for cooking, he’s also taken up classes in horticulture, mainly bc he’d love to grow his own ingredients and create his own sets of spices and various artisan products

since his career path is very labour focused, he often practices at home and takes inspiration from various chefs all around the world. his bookshelves are full of recipe books and general insightful cookbooks

Max had suggested to him to make videos of his dishes, mainly for self-improvement, but also being able to put them online to start a crowd interest for his work

its going pretty well actually, his videos have become quite popular since they are aesthetically pleasing, the food looks tasty as hell and also a wide crowd of older people have voiced their joy in seeing more traditional confectionary being made

his friends secretly love their birthdays nowadays bc without fail, Ray always gifts them homemade foods, from neat boxes of handcrafted chocolates to cute jars of sweet jams

he knows, he always takes time to create flavours he knows they will appreciate

Tyson, surprisingly, knew exactly what he wanted to do, and it wasn’t anything to do with Beyblade

Hilary: WHAT ARE YOU SICK Tyson: i- no? i just– Ray: hold on maybe he’s running a fever Tyson: would yOU GUYS JUST LISTEN–

look, he loves Beyblade, it’s something he’ll treasure all his life, something he’ll still pursue in the future, but

it won’t be what he wants to do full time

instead, he majors in Anthropology in order to pave his way into Archeology and everyone is so proud they start crying

next to his Major, he also minors in Business, mainly due to his longstanding position within the BBA, with whom he stays as a particular poster boy and star

next to his work with the BBA, he occasionally helps out in the Dojo and everyone kinda realises? that this guy is literally holding down two (2) whole jobs while also studying and if that isn't hardcore my dudes i don’t know

then again, he’s grown a lot and his interest in his father’s career had always accompanied him since he was a kid – however, his studying habits are still all kinds of atrocious and the only reason why he can even halfway ace his exams is bc he refuses to go down quietly, actually is really critical and analytical is he puts his head into it, and the fact that he employs Hilary to stand vigil with a rolled up magazine to smack him back into focus should he slack off

otherwise, he’s friends with most people in his class and regularly exchanges notes with them and even has become a favourite with a select few of his professors

most just find him exhausting but can’t refute his elaborate essays, which are both thoughtful as eyebrow raising

he attends the same university as Kai (much to his chagrin) and they stick together just as much as they bicker (one-sidedly) just like old times – however, they are both ancient history buffs and its one of the very few topics that they can be heard talking about in actual peace without Tyson going apeshit when Kai loses interest in the conversation

Tyson and Kai are also those college students who pull ridiculous all nighters to study

Max once got so nervous for an exam he made a terrifying concoction of Red Bull and Instant Coffee to stay up and study

he aced the exam but he cannot for the life of him remember what he did in those 24hours bc as soon as he went home he crashed for nearly 32hours straight

Tyson and Ray who were present at the time refuse to speak about it and when asked about it, they kinda just. disassociate for a minute at the sheer horror they had witnessed

Kai rarely ever communicates with classmates yet somehow gets always invited to all the frat parties

who are those people? he doesn’t know

#beyblade #bakuten shoot beyblade #beyblade headcanon #engineering some headcanons #bladebreakers #i low-key love those college aus only bc the amount of shenanigans they could get into #actually i should make a more extensive list about their shenanigans #bc this was literally halfway a meta about my own deductions of the characters #HM.

[space-kry]

Heathens Greetings

This is a fic written for the AFTG holiday fanzine ( @aftgholidayzine ), which is up for sale as digital and print books. It's amazing, all the money made is being donated to Lost-n-Found Youth a great charity giving to LGBTQ+ youth in Atlanta. Go have a look for other content and the like from it. Buy if you can, you won't regret it.

Have a look on ao3

Posting the actual story under a cut because, well, it’s really long.

Fox Tower is a mess. More so than usual, at least as the Christmas season approaches. Most of the other teams have left for the holidays, leaving the Foxes alone to wreak havoc upon the building, and leaving behind some possibly permanent additions to the dorms.

Unlike the normal chaos of the building, winter time finds the Palmetto state athlete building filled with festive decorations in the neon orange and white of the team, as well as a copious amount of fox decorations. It is a testament to some Foxes love of Christmas that they managed to find the particular shade, though it is possible Allison paid for it to be specially made. But the bright colours now covering the halls and surrounding the doors of the Foxes create a disorganised harmony of chaotic good intentions.

Neil watched in slight disbelief over the week leading up to the Christmas break and the days preceding the big day itself as things transformed under the watchful eyes of Nicky and Allison; both of them needing to be in control of the decor else it end up not being exactly what they envisioned, or just looking awful. Neil doesn’t know exactly at this point. The walls are strung with tinsel and fairy lights, there are wreaths on each door, some of which have been made with extra care and detail, while the ones for the cubs are mostly basic. Neil wonders why they are making such an effort to do all of these things when it will be taken down soon after Christmas anyway. It’s so much for such a little amount of time and it just seems so unnecessary.

It isn’t that he doesn’t like Christmas, but most of his past experiences with the holiday have been less than ideal, and so it is with silent apprehension that Neil counts down the days until December twenty-fifth. The rest of the team have seen his responses; how he shifts away and tends to do whatever he can to ignore the festivities happening around him. He tries to stay away from it all, even when sat in the girls room with everyone else he doesn’t really seem to be there for the holidays, more just being there but not being a part of it.

So they stage something of an intervention, so that they can explain and make sure he is aware of why the Foxes are going to such lengths this year.

🎄

When he enters the girls room, Neil knows something is up. Other than the bright tinsel, the glittery Christmas tree and the fox plush toys wearing santa hats. The rest of the team, minus the cubs who are often excluded from gatherings because they annoy most of the team, is gathered around on the couches and on blankets and pillows. Someone managed to get Andrew there even, though the blank look on his face betrays his lack of care to the reason. He was probably bribed, or at the least asked by Renee to be there for Neil, as support.

“Come sit Neil, we wanted to talk with you.” Renee is the first, and only person to speak, the rest watching as Neil eyes them like he’s considering running out of the room and probably back to his, which is significantly less cheery for the holidays. He does sit though, next to Andrew on a pile of blankets, several of which have been wrapped around his not-boyfriend who gets cold easy and complains if he isn’t covered in at least two warm blankets like a burrito.

“Let’s just get this over with. Neil you don’t like Christmas, you have a good reason for that, what with the disaster that is your life. But we want to make this one a good one for you, because it’s your first one with us as a Fox proper, and our last one,” Allison gestures to the rest of the girls before continuing, “and we want it to be something special. Some of us really want you to be able to enjoy yourself, so you aren’t getting a choice but to be festive and happy about it. Understood?” It’s concise and to the point, but the others seem to be in agreement.

He knows that he should be more like that, he has enjoyed the little time he’s spent with the Foxes over the last week. Mostly in this room, while everyone drinks and tells ridiculous stories about Christmas’s they’ve had. It’s been funny, and he has to admit, when he lets himself forget the horror of his past, it’s been enjoyable to spend so much time around his family and to see them so happy. Even if he has made himself seem less interested, if only so they don’t try and rope him into talking about Christmas, or so they won’t make things much worse than it is.

“Okay, I guess I’ve been a bit ridiculous about it all. Does that mean you’re decorating our room too? Or does Andrew scare you too much?” He directs his query to Nicky, who starts beaming and looks like he is about to start babbling before he’s cut off by Allison.

“Andrew told us we can do what we want, as long as you agree to it. I think he hoped you’d say no.” She’s grinning, and Neil is sure that she’s just won money from several people in this room based on the look on some people’s faces. He doesn’t let himself hope too much that things will turn out well. But he can’t help but let the hope win when surrounded by family.

That’s how Andrew, Neil and a very drunk Kevin ended up decorating their room with Christmas things directed by Nicky. Someone found exy related decorations, Kevin was very happy about that, it might have been the vodka, but Neil thinks that even sober him would be enjoying it a bit. Andrew moved things around the room after Neil or Kevin put it somewhere, either out of spite or because he thought it might look better where he put it is a mystery because he doesn’t answer the questions being sent his way. But the room is starting to look really nice, even if it’s haphazard, and none of it is as expertly done as the rest of the decorations in the tower. Just when he thought is was over, Nicky takes a look around and stops babbling about some story he’d been telling after a moment of surveillance.

“Neil! We need a tree, you three are the only ones without one and it would look really good over there in the corner.” Nicky nearly bounces with excitement, pointing to the corner of the the room near to the window where there is a convenient empty spot.

“Okay, do we need to go get one? Or did you already plan this?” It’s obvious what the answer is when Nicky runs out of the room, leaving the three of them there in the mess they’ve made. Neil likes it though, it’s a nice mess of foxes and lights and very home.

“I can stab him, it would put an end to all of this.” It isn’t a question, since Andrew knows the answer will be no, and that just looking at Neil tells him that he is enjoying himself. He’s smiling and his hair is pulled back with a red and green bandana someone managed to give him that shows off the sparkle in his eyes that seems to be there because he is enjoying himself, even if he didn’t initially want to do any of this it’s fun for him to be doing this with the people closest to him. Knowing that it’s safe and that he doesn’t have to run.

Even though Christmas is only three days away, and all their work will be removed in the days after, spending time with the people he cares most for is enjoyable, even though Kevin sometimes sings part of random Christmas songs loudly and out of tune. It makes all the bad that lingers in his mind disappear if only for a little while.

Neil is having fun, especially when Nicky drags in a tree, small like the ones in the other rooms, smaller than Andrew though not by much. Nicky puts it in the corner and beams at Neil, behind him at the doorway is Erik, who has come to visit for the holidays. Probably a big reason Nicky has been so happy the last week, because he has Erik, he gets to spend time with his cousins who are being more friendly towards him and because he gets to make the others happy too, which seems to be a big deal for him at this time of year. It’s good to see him happy, Nicky deserves the happiness, Neil thinks, since he does so much for the rest of the team.

Kevin sets to decorating the tree immediately, either he very much likes Christmas or he has had too much to drink already today. Neil honestly doesn’t know which the answer is, but he joins in anyway, putting tiny exy sticks on the tree next to little foxes and other decorations. None of which are baubles surprisingly, since the other tree’s all have multi coloured baubles hanging from them. He sends a look to Andrew, who is pointedly ignoring them both as he smokes at the windowsill, looking uninterested in everything even though Kevin keeps bumping into him to decorate, and he was slapped in the face accidentally with tinsel.

Neil isn’t fond of baubles, and the only person who knows that is Andrew, because Neil explained all the reasons why Christmas is not really something he can get excited about easily. Some of the reasons are surprising, like the baubles story; while on the run with his mother they were being chased through an empty shopping mall by some goons, who when they ran out of bullets started throwing the decorations from nearby displays at them. A glass bauble had hit him in the head and had cut up some of his neck. There aren’t any scars left from it, but baubles have been on his list of things he doesn’t want to deal with ever again, just because of the memory of it all. He smiles and turns back to the tree. Watching as Kevin tries to decide between a tiny fox with a Christmas hat and a glittery exy stick to put in one spot on the side of the tree.

Nicky is beaming from the doorway with Erik, both are talking absently while watching the decorating. Nicky just seems excites that everyone is happy, and that his choice in decor is being appreciated by someone, even if that someone has been drinking since midday and has been cut off to sober up before everyone drinks later. Andrew watches them silently, blowing smoke out the window and cursing whoever decided that Christmas had to happen during winter when it’s so cold.

🎄

The decorating process took several more hours, because Nicky insisted everything be perfect, even if ‘perfect’ ended up being not even close to it, but it was more about what was making everyone happy. By the time they were done, it was time to head to the girls room for the nightly activity of ‘get drunk and be happy’. Kevin is the most excited about the choice in celebration, since he’d sobered up enough from his day drinking and wants to join in. Neil makes a mental note to make sure he stops drinking tomorrow. He’ll ask Renee to lock away all the alcohol later.

Arriving in the girls’ room, Neil notices the difference from earlier in the day: a giant pile of wrapped presents sit against one wall next to and around the tree. Most of the gifts are wrapped in fox related wrapping paper, making Neil wonder yet again how they are getting all these things and whether they are being made specially or not.

“Have you done your Christmas shopping yet? If you have, bring your things in here later or tomorrow and put them in the pile. If not, well I suggest doing so as soon as possible, since you don’t want to be the idiot shopping on Christmas Eve.” Dan grins before sitting down on Matt’s lap with their drinks, watching Neil’s reaction to gauge whether he has presents yet or not. He has some, mostly just the things he thought others would appreciate. Like getting plane tickets so that particular people could join them for the holidays, even if it’s only until the day after New Years. And getting basic gifts that he thinks the others would appreciate: an appointment for Allison at a salon she really likes, boxing gloves for Matt who’s been teaching Neil to box, a pair of earrings for Dan he thought she would like. But he thinks he might need to go get more.

“How many things did you guys get for each person? I might need to get some other things for some people.” The pile is pretty big, at parts almost as tall as him. The small tree dwarfed at the sides by the mountain of presents, the base of which is boxes of decent size. The tags, as far as Neil can tell, show that the gifts are from a mix of Dan, Renee, Allison, Matt, Aaron and Nicky and Erik’s joint gifts. It is a bit less worrying when he realises that the staggering amount is from so many people.

“Maybe two or three for each person, nothing too much. But most of us got joke gifts as well, just, you know, funny things,” Matt explains, smiling as he watches Neil nod and head over to where he normally sits, which is next to the biggest pile of blankets because Andrew gets cold very quickly and tends to hoard the blankets for himself. The others all have places they tend to sit: Renee and Allison share the other half of the couch that Matt and Dan occupy. Kevin sprawls over an armchair, while Aaron, Nicky and Erik all sit at the opposite side to Andrew and Neil. The way it is all set out forms something of a semicircle around the television. Nicky and Erik enter the room talking loudly about something in German, Nicky’s laughter bouncing off the walls. After that, things liven up some more as the rest of the team turns up slowly and the alcohol starts getting drunk fast.

It’s sort of cute really, the way as the night progresses everyone finds themselves more comfortable. Nicky and Erik are cuddling, drunkenly slurring out “I love you”’s. Matt and Dan are singing along to some Christmas song, while Renee and Allison are talking to Aaron about something that Neil isn’t too interested in, but they seem to be enjoying the conversation so it must be something they like. Kevin, surprisingly sober, is on the phone with Jean and Jeremy who he started dating early in the year. After he and Thea broke up over the summer after he realised that dating her might not have been best for him mentally because she’s Raven through and through. Jeremy and Jean are better for him, and he’s happier than he was the year before, even if Kevin won’t admit it himself.

Andrew has wrapped himself in three blankets and all that is visible of him is part of his face, glaring at everyone else silently. Neil is leaning against his side, watching his family enjoy themselves. Christmas is in two days now, and he knows that it will be fun this year because they’ve made the effort to make it enjoyable for him. He’s never been happier, maybe only after winning against the Ravens the year before, but this is a softer happy, the sort that they don’t get that often.

🎄

Christmas shopping is apparently hectic and hard to do; probably because it is so close to the big day. Most shops are out of stock of a lot of things, so luckily he had gotten the important stuff first. But it is making the search for joke gifts, and other genuine presents difficult. He’s gotten Kevin a book for healthy recipes that actually taste nice. Nicky was a bit easier. He got him a few Pride things that he’d seen Nicky eyeing on one of the shopping trips he’d been dragged along to with Allison and Nicky, both of whom seem to find shopping to be a good bonding exercise. And take him with them once a month. He found a book that he thinks Renee would like, some fantasy novel. He’d even managed to find a video game that Aaron had been complaining to Nicky about not being able to get because the store had apparently sold out.

Several hours later, he’d gotten most of the gifts he needed to. He also had to pick up some presents for the surprise guests he invited, and find the things that he’d been instructed by Andrew to pick up while he is out for the day. The shopping was the least of his worries. He also has to wrap all the things he’d gotten. In total, probably thirty separate gifts. It’s a lot, but it’s mostly small things for each person.

Fox Tower is loud with Christmas music when he exits the stairwell, carrying too many bags, but he refuses to go back down to the car for a second trip. Something smells burnt, probably Dan and Matt’s attempt at cookies, since they had announced that they would be baking some today before he’d left. He thinks that there is more tinsel on the walls than when he left that morning, but he can’t be sure.

“How’d it go, did you get everything you wanted to?” Renee smiles at him, standing outside her room, either waiting for him or needing to be away from the disaster that is probably inside. Either way, it is good to see her. Even if he hadn’t been planning on doing so until later in the day.

“Yeah, most of it. I might have to get things after Christmas, and give late presents if people don’t like some of the stuff. But I have nearly everything I wanted to.” With so little time before Christmas he had been worried that things would become stressed between him and other team members, but it seems that the break from classes and some of their training sessions has actually made things calmer. It’s nice to be able to talk with them so often, and to see most of his friends for hours each day when not involved in training for exy. Even Kevin has stopped their midnight training in favour of spending time with the other Foxes.

“If you need any help I would gladly assist you, I know that it must be difficult for you, since you haven’t had a normal Christmas before.” Renee says, calmly as ever even when talking about Neil’s past. He nods, it’s a good offer. Especially since he has to go to the airport later in the day, and he doesn’t know how to wrap a gift without it looking like he’d done so in the dark, blindfolded and without any idea as to how a present is meant to look.

“Could you help me with the presents, I need to get them done pretty quickly, with you-know-who’s arriving tonight. And before Andrew can see what I’ve gotten him. He doesn’t like the mystery.” He smiles, he’s not sure what Andrew will think of his presents, but Neil likes them and thinks that at the very least Andrew will find them practical. Renee smiles and steps towards him, taking a few of his bags so that he can unlock the door to his dorm room.

“Are you going to get them when the plane arrives?” She is smiling still. She knows of course what is happening, because it was easiest to tell her, and she probably would have found out anyway. It has made it easier, so that she can control things here while he’s gone. Neil nods and drops his bags onto a beanbag, knowing that a few of the things he got might break if he just dropped them straight onto the ground.

He put away the things Andrew asked him to get first, mostly just food with a worryingly high amount of sugar, before returning to his bags. Renee is sitting patiently on the ground, looking at the Christmas themed wrapping paper he’d picked up on his way out of the last shop he’d been in and had grabbed because he didn’t have any left. Neil walks past her to his room, collecting his already bought presents, which need to be re-wrapped because of his poor attempts at doing so.

“It is quite exciting isn’t it? That Christmas is so near now. Everyone is happy, even Andrew seems to be enjoying himself.” While she isn’t wrong exactly, exciting isn’t what Neil would describe it as. It’s more comfortable, it’s not like the excitement of playing a game, but it isn’t boring. It’s the feeling of going home after being away for a long time. He could almost get used to it.

“It’s nice. Andrew just likes the hot chocolate and the excuse to eat all the things Kevin normally hates him eating.” To be fair, Kevin still hates it, but he can’t do anything about it now that everyone is eating the same things. “Speaking of Kevin, have you managed to hide away the alcohol? I don’t think he should be drunk for tonight.”

He turns away from Renee to start pulling out gifts from bags and arranging the other gifts he’d already gotten. There are eight identical boxes; gifts for each person that he’d found and bought on impulse, and the bag of things just for Nicky. There were also gifts for Allison, mostly just stuff he knows she would like, because she’s most likely to judge him based on what he gets. There was Dan’s gift of fox socks and a matching scarf,, and Matt’s boxing gloves, and a box of weird licorice that only he likes. He leaves the book he’d gotten Renee in the bag it came in. He’ll wrap it himself later.

“Yes, it’s all put away in our room, I even talked Andrew into giving me the stuff Kevin hid in here.” She picks up the scarf and smiles at the little fox paw prints and the faces on it. “This is nice, Dan will like it very much.”

Neil is glad to have Renee there while they wrap the gifts. The pile of them getting finished much quicker than he’d thought they would be if he’d been doing it alone, and neater too. They talk while they wrap things, mostly about exy, a bit about the past. Andrew comes up when Renee see’s what he’d gotten, but Neil manages to steer the conversation away from that and back to what everyone will be doing with the rest of the break. Apparently her and Allison are spending New Years together at some Renee’s mother’s. Dan and Matt are staying, while Nicky, Erik and Aaron are heading to Columbia for a little while to forget about school for a few days. Andrew and Neil plan on staying, mostly so someone can keep an eye on Kevin.

Once the gifts are wrapped they keep talking for awhile, mostly just to pass the time. He asks about the burnt smell, and she confirms that Matt and Dan messed up the cookies. They had tried again, but she doesn’t know whether or not they turned out the second time.

Andrew returns to the dorm from wherever he had been, possibly Bee’s since he had gotten her a gift at some point and wouldn’t be seeing her until after break. Although since Neil had taken the car, it’s a mystery how he would have gotten anywhere. He walks past the pile of presents, barely looking at either Neil or Renee as he heads to the kitchen. Renee takes it as time to leave and bids them both a good evening after reminding Neil that she will make sure no one will be suspicious about his plans, and suggesting maybe getting a pair of those sticky bows for the guests, since they are technically presents that he will be picking up.

When she opens the door to leave, Nicky takes his chance to walk in, apparently having seen Andrew come in, carrying a bag in with him. He is grinning, more than normal, or maybe the normal amount, it is hard to tell when Nicky is always smiling. Neil has a bit of a bad feeling about this, as he finds himself on the end of Nicky’s overly cheerful gaze.

“Neil, you know how you love me and would do anything for me?” Bad start to the conversation. This is probably not going to end well. Unfortunately for Neil, Andrew is too busy in the kitchen to notice his cousin’s presence at all.

“What do you want?” Neil starts eyeing the bag, weary of whatever is inside, as it is most likely the basis for whatever Nicky has in mind. He silently hopes for Andrew to come out and make Nicky go away, when Nicky dumps the contents of the bag onto Neil; soft wool lands in his lap. For a moment he’s confused as to why this would be a problem. Until he turns one of the three items over. An ugly Christmas sweater. With foxes and exy sticks on it. How did Nicky even find one of these?

“Allison had them custom made for all of us. They have our names and numbers on the back,” a quick check confirms that, “and the exy design on the front. And we were hoping you’d be able to get Andrew to wear one for when we take pictures on Christmas, Dan wants at least one good one for the wall.” Nicky is a little out of breath at the end, his plea to Neil having been rushed out in a single breathe so that he wouldn’t have to say it again, or alert Andrew to the plan.

Neil looks down at the sweater in his hands, then over Nicky’s shoulder to Andrew who is currently dumping a copious amount of sugar into his hot chocolate and clearly ignoring them. He hopes that Nicky is joking, but the look in his eyes tells Neil that he isn’t.

“I’ll ask. But no promises.” He shoo’s Nicky away so that the probability of death is less likely for them both. Nicky takes his chance and escapes the room as quickly as he had entered it. Neil is hoping that Andrew will say yes to wearing the sweater, it is warm and soft, and his is black with the same design on the front as the other two.

“Hey, ‘Drew? Can you come over here for a minute please.” Neil watches as Andrew slowly stirs his hot chocolate, taking his time to prolong whatever it is that Neil wants him for. When he does make his way over, he catches sight of the bright orange and white and black in his hands and turns away to walk away again. Neil follows, holding the soft material carefully. “Nicky just come over with these, apparently they were made for us and it’s for some team thing that Dan wants to do. It would be good if you’d wear one with us.” He does the wide eyed pouty thing that tends to make Andrew say yes to most things, Matt calls it a ‘puppy dog face’, though he doesn’t understand why. It works on everyone though, so Neil isn’t going to question it. Andrew stares at him a moment before turning away, disgust clear on his face as he takes the sweater with his free hand while lifting his mug to his mouth.

“273%.”

🎄

The drive to the airport was long and boring, Andrew refused to come with him, stating that ‘I’m taking advantage of both junkies being out of my way’ and then going back to the book he was reading. So after the long journey, which only took about an hour, he arrives at the airport. Checking his phone for the time, and to see if he has any messages, a habit he’s gotten into now that he receives a large number of texts from his friends. The plane should have arrived already. Neil knows how long it takes to get through domestic custom checks, he shouldn’t be waiting long. Though he regrets not wearing a heavier coat, because even used to snowy regions, and being without proper gear for cold weather, after the warmth of the car on the drive the chill is more than he thought to prepare for. And since he doesn’t want to have to deal with all the people doing last minute trips inside the airport, he just waits on the hood of the maserati. Slowly freezing while watching the doors as people pour out into the dim light of fading day.

Within minutes of arriving and settling to wait, two people start making their way over to him. They are probably only able to find him so quickly because of the car, and the orange fox jacket he’s wearing that he’d been given as a joke but he loves because it’s soft on his scars and it’s adorable. He takes a moment to text Andrew to tell him that he’s on his way back. And after a moment's hesitation he texts Renee as well, telling her that they’re going back soon, and to make sure everyone will be ready for their arrival. After the affirmation and cheerful greetings of his friends, Neil gets ready to return home. Hoping that everything will turn out well, and that this surprise will be received with happiness, rather than anger.

🎄

The drive is much shorter with other people in the car, conversation filling the air. Neil is glad for it, even if it’s like having Nicky in the car with him. He takes them to the hotel he’s booked first, then once they've freshened up from the few hour plane ride, drives back to Fox Tower. Where, hopefully everyone will be waiting; sober if he’s lucky.

After the hour drive back, the ten minutes at the hotel, then the ten minute drive to Palmetto, it’s gotten pretty dark. Stars are shining in the sky and even though it isn’t snowing, there is frost settling on the glass of the cars in the lot.

“This is exciting, I’ve never surprised someone like this before.” Neil should be used to the continual talking by now, but really when he’s this nervous every unexpected sentence sends a jolt through him as he prepares to face his friends. He doesn’t know how everyone will feel at least.

Leading them into the Tower, Neil waits for the feeling of nervousness to subside before he can let himself go up to their floor. Renee had messaged him confirmation that everyone is in the girls room and that Kevin is lightly liquored up if only to stop his complaining. For some reason, the fact that he has the support of at least one team member makes this easier. Although he knows that if he’d told the others they would likely be happy too, and they would have placed bets on the reactions that would happen.

“They’re in here. I’m going to go in first. I’ll open the door when it’s time for you two to come in, okay?” Nods are his only answer. So Neil, knowing he now actually has to do it, pushes the door open. A course of greetings come his way. The Foxes are relaxed, some movie on in the background as they chat amongst themselves. Everyone seems happy; no better time to do this then.

“Hey, so I may have gotten a present for one of you early that I have to give you now, and no I can’t leave it until Christmas Day, Nicky. So,” Neil opens the door behind him, “Merry Christmas Kevin.”

Upon hearing his name Kevin looks up from his phone, which has what looks to be exy scores on it, probably from the game tonight. He drops it when he sees the two people standing in the doorway behind Neil.

“Jean! Jeremy!” Kevin scrambles up from his comfortable slouch in the armchair, standing now but not moving forward, either too afraid of what might happen if he takes a step forward or unable to force his body to move at all. It doesn’t matter, because Jeremy moves around Neil and throws his arms around his boyfriend, hugging him tightly in lieu of an actual greeting. Jean follows, but just stands smiling next to the other two, waiting his turn for a hug from Kevin.

There are a few ‘awws’ from the others in the room. Aaron makes a noise of disgust, and promptly got kicked by Nicky. Neil smiles and moves over to sit with Andrew who is staring at him like he can’t believe Neil had actually managed to keep this a secret.

“Neil thought we’d like to visit. Sorry for keeping it secret for so long.” The ever bubbly Jeremy smiles, waving at the rest of the Foxes in greeting to them. Jean just nods at them, knowing that they’ll understand. Kevin keeps opening and closing his mouth, either he is at a loss for words or his brain has short circuited and he is no longer able to think. Hopefully it’s the former.

“That’s such a good gift. Now I feel like I haven’t gotten a good enough one. Return them Neil, I have to be the supreme gift giver!” It’s a joke, everyone knows that Nicky is joking about it because he barely got the sentence out between his own laughter. Kevin seems to be functioning better now.

“Thank you Neil. I…” He just smiles and nods at his friend, Neil thinks he understands what Kevin means to say.

After an hour of chatting with the rest of the team, the three of them left not long after, apparently going to the hotel to catch up. Nicky made the obligatory ‘good thing we don’t have practice in the morning’ joke the second they weren’t in the room anymore. It earned him several pillows thrown at him, but no one really thought that that wasn’t where it would probably end up. Everyone else returned to their own rooms for the night. Neil is glad that Kevin isn’t in their dorm room. After all, empty dorm rooms are a gift.

🎄

Neil isn’t sure where the day went, but before he can even focus properly it’s evening and everyone is gathered in the girls room again. This time with the purpose of watching a bunch of Christmas movies because someone let slip that Neil, Kevin and Jean haven’t watched any of the ‘classics’. Nicky was appalled and dramatically fainted into Erik’s arms. Everyone found it amusing, even Aaron who spends a lot of time trying to ignore his cousins dramatics when they involve Erik, probably because he doesn’t like Erik much. Everyone talked over what movies would be best, and which ones they watched as children to try and figure out what they should watch.

Nicky and Jeremy spent about ten minutes talking before gathering all the blankets, including the ones wrapped around Andrew. Jeremy only barely got away with doing so, since Andrew had promised to try not to maim the guests because it could be considered sabotage against the Trojans. Mostly though, he promised just because Neil likes them and if he hurt Neil’s friends he’d probably never hear the end of it. Of course, the agreement came with another percentage.

After obtaining the blankets, they started moving things around, getting help from Matt to move the furniture so that the floor could fit all twelve people who are joining the Christmas celebrations. Chairs and the sofa are used to make walls and a roof for the ‘Christmas Blanket Castle of Greatness’ as Nicky had proclaimed it to be. It’s not exactly that great looking, but it’s pretty warm, especially with everyone having to be squished together to fit inside it.

“Okay, so we agreed to start with The Polar Express because it is one of the more childhood nostalgia movies. No complaining.” Dan is the one running the movies, being captain, and also second scariest person on the team after Andrew, meaning that she is actually listened to. Nicky had wanted to watch Nightmare Before Christmas first, but everyone else ruled it out because Neil and Kevin had been forced to watch it with them around Halloween. Apparently Jean had been subjected to the same fate by Jeremy who loves Halloween just as much as he does Christmas.

After asking ‘Yes or No’ softly, Neil is cuddled up to Andrew, who is only being okay with the lack of blankets because Jean made hot chocolate and it’s the best any of them have had before. Dan teared up a little bit, no one is sure whether it was dramatics or she was actually that emotional over the good hot chocolate. The movie gets put on and everyone gets comfortable in the fort. Neil and Andrew are to the side of the group, since Andrew doesn’t like people in his space and it’s easiest to just put Neil between himself and the others. Erik is next to Neil with Nicky basically in his lap, while Aaron is on Nicky’s other side and is receiving half hugs from Nicky, who seems happy having everyone around. Kevin, Jeremy and Jean are all together in the middle of the group, though they probably will move around a bit since Jeremy keeps muttering that it’s cold and he wants cuddles; Neil thinks he and Nicky should spend more time together, they’d get along great. Dan and Matt are cuddled up under a blanket together with Renee and Allison right next to them. The fort is barely big enough for them all, but it’s not cramped at all.

No one talks during the movie, or the two that follow it. Somehow everyone is just being calm and happy while being surrounded by friends and family. It’s comfortable. and no one is sure how they got so lucky to have this on Christmas Eve. Although it might just be the slightly spiked hot chocolate, or it could be the fact that being together is just as good as being tipsy. Everyone finds themselves completely relaxed and happy while they watch the classic movies that were a part of childhood for some of the Foxes, and that will hopefully become part of a good time for the rest.

Nicky fell asleep mostly on Erik, partially on Aaron. Kevin, Jean and Jeremy are dozing on the other side of them, Jeremy between the other two and glad for all the warmth radiating off them because, like Andrew, he doesn’t handle cold well. Andrew has migrated to cuddling with Neil, only because Neil is warm and no one can really tell while they’re both under the same blankets that Andrew is actually being affectionate. Dan, Renee and Allison are all completely awake, the cheesy Christmas romance movie apparently intriguing them enough. Everyone one else is in a state of comfortable wake-sleep, none completely aware of what’s happening, but not actually asleep. Neil has to admit that if this is what Christmas Eve is, then Christmas Day can not get better than this. Because being surrounded by everyone he cares about, watching movies that mean a lot to them all, eating sugary cookies that turned out not terrible. It’s like a dream that he doesn’t want to wake from.

🎄

Christmas Day arrives to find all the Foxes, plus guests, in a cuddle pile in the somehow still standing fort. It’s warm and cozy and peaceful. Or peaceful for about ten seconds from Nicky waking up.

“It’s Christmas! Everyone wake up, we have to get the presents and-” He would have continued on the list of things that need to happen if he hadn’t had several pillows, a blanket and an empty mug that reads ‘for fox sake’ on it, being thrown at him. He rubs the spot the mug hit, but he’s still smiling brightly as he attempts to untangle himself from Erik, blankets, and somehow part of Kevin. Everyone else joins the effort of getting up, most just because now that they aren’t hazy with sleep, some of the positions they’re in are not comfortable at all. Neil is quite comfortable, wrapped in a blanket and cuddled up to Andrew’s side. But Nicky kicking his side while he tries to get up, combined with the noises coming from everyone else have caused the last remnants of sleep disappear.

Everyone wakes slowly, taking time to get to Nicky’s level of excited readiness. As soon as they do though, Dan has everyone getting up, sending people off to get gifts that aren’t already in the girls room. As well as instructing everyone to put on their team jumpers. Someone, probably Renee who was the only one who knew of it, got Jean and Jeremy Trojan themed sweaters so they could match. Erik has a Fox one to match since he isn’t on a team.

Neil is tasked with waking Andrew, who somehow managed to sleep through the commotion. It became an easy task, because the moment that Neil took away the warmth he provided, plus the blankets that had been shrouding them, Andrew opens his eyes. Likely not having being asleep but hoping to be allowed to remain where he was to sleep again.

“Come on ‘Drew, gotta go get presents. And dressed.” The blank stare would have been unsettling this time last year, but Neil just smiles and hauls his not-boyfriend upright. “Anyway, Renee said she’s making pancakes for breakfast and you won’t get any unless you get up and are wearing your sweater.”

Andrew grumbles all the way to their room, but the threat of losing out on Renee’s pancakes is too much to not go along with Neil, and it  allows him to throw the black sweater at him and to actually put it on. It’s soft at least, and should keep him warm enough that three blankets will be unnecessary. Two will still be used if only to stop others from having them.

Neil smiles as he pulls his on, having clothes that fit him properly, that are for him and haven’t been part of his past is something of a gift as well. Neil hasn’t had a Christmas as enjoyable as this one has been, and he’s been awake barely ten minutes of it. He isn’t sure what that says about this Christmas, or the ones that came before. At the very least he knows that he is happy and that he is happy because of these people who are family to him now.

“Have you got your presents?” Neil turns to look at Andrew, who is wearing the sweater and looking like he won’t acknowledge its existence, even if he’s grabbing the sleeves of it and feeling the softness.

“Yes.” They go about collecting all their presents for other people. Neil is enjoying himself as he attempts to pile up all the presents in his arms. He may have gotten a few too many. After some shuffling and a second trip they get all the gifts into the girls room and onto the pile that is surely taller than the twins and Neil now.

“I think we may have gone overboard a little bit.” Matt says laughing, looking down at the mountain of brightly wrapped boxes and odd shapes. There is laughter from some people, mostly the ones who haven’t already got mouthfuls of pancakes.

Neil gets given a plate of pancakes by Andrew who had, after dropping his armful of gifts near the pile, gone to get some for himself. Nearly everyone is eating their pancakes. Kevin looks dismayed that both his boyfriends are eating the sugary breakfast, but after barely any prodding from Jeremy he agrees to having some, and gets a plate from Renee.  Everyone looks to be enjoying themselves, even though it’s just breakfast; something the team tries to have as a group at least once a week. Although it is often more like brunch most weeks. Neil thinks that it might be the  fact that this is a special day that makes it so much more delightful.

“Renee this are amazing! I need these like, every chance I get.” Jeremy calls out to the kitchen where Renee is still making more pancakes even though everyone has some already.

“Thank you, my mother taught me the recipe. Who wants more?” Several Foxes push each other out of the way to get to the kitchen first. Andrew follows calmly behind his teammates, and is the first to return from the kitchen; either because they let him or because Renee had anticipated his wanting more.

Neil smiles while he eats, slowly enjoying the food which is as good as everyone else makes it seem. Andrew leans closer to him,

“Yes or No?” Neil nods in confusion to the question. Andrew leans further towards him and kisses the corner of his mouth. When he pulls away he’s licking his lips clean of syrup which Neil had apparently managed to not notice on the side of his mouth.

A slight aw comes from Jeremy, who doesn’t know better. Everyone else just smiles at them in the way that means ‘we think it’s cute but we don’t want to be stabbed so we’re keeping our mouths closed’. Neil just smiles at Andrew and goes back to eating.

Once nearly everyone has finished their pancakes - some people having eaten three plates of them - presents start being distributed to everyone. Each person ends up with a small pile in front of them, since it seems every member of the team bought several gifts for each person.

The unwrapping process was a mess. With the amount of people and the amount of gifts and the very little room, soon everything was covered in wrapping paper and tape and Matt ended up with a bow on his head. Neil isn’t sure how anyone can identify what they’ve gotten under the ridiculous amount of wrapping paper there is.

Some people exclaim over different gifts they’ve gotten that they particularly like. Neil makes sure to take note of who got him what so he can thank them later for them. Dan’s gift of a camera is nice, the note that comes with it says ‘for when you’re captain, someone needs to keep proof for the wall of the dumb shit everyone does’. The gift card to Exites from Kevin is appreciated, and even though Andrew makes a comment about the Junkies, Neil is happy about it. Renee gave him a pair of fox slippers that are really adorable and he is definitely going to end up wearing them often. Allison got him what are probably some expensive clothes, which he doesn’t need because the amount of clothing he now owns is getting ridiculous. But there are some items with foxes on them, and one that he thinks she had to have gotten made that says ‘If found please return to the angry short one’, he wonders how many times he can manage to wear that one before Andrew would destroy it. Matt got him a new backpack, because Neil keeps refusing to buy a new one for himself even though his is falling apart. Inside the bag is a nice wallet and a little note saying ‘please use this, the binder is really weird and I’ve never seen you use a wallet’.

Aaron got him a gift card as well, probably because he doesn’t care what to get for Neil since they aren’t on great terms. Nicky got him some bath bombs and other things that can help relax him, a little note saying that it’s because Neil had mentioned that it helps soothe any phantom pains from his scars. Neil smiles at his friend, surprised that Nicky would be the one to remember something like the slight pain Neil will be in every now and then, especially after a game.

Amongst the other gifts that he’d been given are smaller things and the joke gifts, he enjoys some of these. Plus a lot of cute fox things because everyone is aware of the fact that he loves his team and having things that are proof of him being real. There is also one from Roland that is for both Neil and Andrew, neither of them open it because of the winky face that is written on it.

Noticeably there is no gift from Andrew. It makes him worry because he knows Andrew got gifts for everyone else, but apparently not one for Neil. At all. Neil ignores it and focuses on everyone else, smiling and laughing at some of the joke gifts that people get from others.

He pays close attention to how Andrew reacts to the weighted blanket that he’d gotten him. And he smiles at the way that everyone seems to like the matching fox charms he got for each person in the team. He’d thought it was cute, and matching each of them is really nice.

Everyone seems to be happy with their gifts from everyone else. All of the best gifts were the ones that have been thought out and were bought with direct intention of use or reason. Though Nicky is adamant that he loves the joke gifts the most, however he’s clutching the teddy bear that Erik got him close and refuses to let go. It’s really adorable, to see everyone of his family being in such a calm environment.

🎄

When Andrew goes up to the roof Neil follows him, it’s habit. He also wants to find out if there is a reason that he didn’t get a present from him. Not that he was expecting much, but it would have been nice to get something from him, even Aaron had gotten him something and Aaron doesn’t like him. Though he doesn’t quite know why this is such a big thing for him. Why it’s making him feel sad.

“Andrew…” It’s quiet up here. Like the earth itself is stilling itself for this one day so that the peace can last just a little longer. “Did you like your gifts?”

Andrew nods silently, offering the lit cigarette to Neil. “Yes, thank you for the blanket. I’m sure that it will be useful. But that isn’t what you want to talk about is it? You want to know why you didn’t get a present from me.” The stare is blank, a sigh is what accompanies when he actually looks at Neil, like he’s bored, like he thinks absolutely nothing of this of what he’s saying and how it might affect Neil.

Neil nods, he feels bad about thinking it, thinking he deserves anything from Andrew at all. He doesn’t. He just thought that, if anyone would give him something, it would be the person who is the reason he is still here. The one who gave him his first gift, the person who told him to stay. But it was just wishful thinking, Andrew isn’t the type to give something meaningful. But Neil thought he’d at least do something, even just giving him a gift card, or some dumb fox thing. But nothing. Nothing is what he is meant to be, so maybe it’s all he should be getting.

“Yeah. I guess. You don’t have to explain though. I can figure it out myself.” He shrugs and takes a drag of his cigarette, hoping that Andrew will just ignore the conversation. Maybe be merciful and move on to something else. Of course, Andrew is not a merciful man.

“My gift isn’t something I can physically give you in a pretty little package. And you won’t be able to actually have it until after today anyway. So I figured that I’d leave it until tomorrow to explain so you could enjoy the rest of today. But if you can’t wait.” Andrew shrugs, turning half towards Neil to gauge his reaction.

“We’re going on a road trip for the rest of the break. I figured that we needed some time away from the others. And since Kevin will be distracted thanks to you, and my brother and cousin are going to Columbia.” Andrew looks out at the sky, grey-blue and cloudy, looking the picture of a winter sky. “I thought that you’d appreciate the break from all the people. And maybe you would like to get away from Palmetto for awhile. I know you still want to run sometimes.” Andrew speaks like he isn’t proposing to run off for a while with him, like this isn’t a big deal at all, but to Neil it is. That Andrew has paid so much attention to him and is willing to get away from the people he normally feels the need to be with. To protect. That Andrew knows that the instinct to run still comes for him sometimes and is willing to do something that will make it lesser.

“Yes or No?” Neil is fully facing Andrew now, cigarette forgotten on the ground next to him as he turns his body.

“Yes.”

Neil leans forward and presses a kiss to Andrew’s mouth, soft and full of all the emotions welling up inside him. It isn’t rushed, there is no hurry to the kiss. It’s just all the emotion and happiness that they’re both feeling being shown in the best way for them to actually share them.

“Merry Christmas Andrew.”

“Merry Christmas Junkie.”

#aftg #the foxhole court #neil josten #andrew minyard #christmas #aftg holiday zine #the foxes #andriel #kerejean #I am so sorry it is this long

[spale-vosver]

A Year In Review: 2018 Edition

I don’t normally make my own posts here, nor are they ever personal (I say as though I make posts at all), but since the year is very close to being over—in fact, as I’m writing this it’s 11:02 PM on December 31st—I wanted to look back at where I’ve been and where I still have to go; review the year, basically.

2018 was one hell of a bumpy year for me, though bumpy isn’t inherently bad. I met some amazing friends (you’ll all be mentioned later on) and at the same time lost and almost lost some amazing ones, whether it was to them moving away or my own mistakes. I got involved in so many new things I’d never done before: I got fully involved in theatre, I got kind of maybe in shape, I started caring about my health, I met so many new people both irl and online, I asked my (now ex but still best friend) girlfriend out for the first time it was honestly so new to me and coming out of my shell was an experience I needed.

As the year progressed and school wrapped up, though, I started to wane a bit. Anyone who knows me knows that summer wasn’t great mental health, especially since I was cooped up inside all day doing absolutely nothing but watching YouTube and playing way too much Crusader Kings, and everyone I interacted with felt the effects. I wasn’t nearly as accountable for my own health as I should have been, and I ended up hurting the same amazing people I’d met that year. Truth be told, I’ve still not fully recovered from those mistakes, and though I know no one holds it against me, they’re still some of my biggest regrets. Even now I’m still making them, but each time I make one, it’s less severe than the last time, and each time progressively less and less bad, so I’m improving, though not as fast as I want to, and unfortunately that speed won’t be achieved until I finally start CBT.

Speaking of that, this year wasn’t totally awful on the mental health front, though, considering I both went to a gender therapist to speak about advancements in my transition and was properly diagnosed with anxiety and depression and probably autism, and I can finally start treatment for them. When I do, my own efforts won’t be in vain, and I’ll hopefully have a leg up on whatever treatment I start. I just hope it comes soon, though, because seasonal depression can actually kiss my ass and no, Pennsylvania, 11 days is NOT a suitable amount of time for a break.

Anyways, now on to the real gushy stuff where I @ my friends and acquaintances and tell them how much I lurvvvv them. So, starting off with who I met first:

@thefunrepository/Camille/pash: When you let me join your discord server, I met some of the best people and best friends I’ve ever had, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. Even though you’ve now left that server, when you were there, you tolerated so much of my incessant rambling and @ing and my overall teenage boy-i-ness, but you never made me feel excluded, and I loved every second of it. Thank you so much for even tolerating me, because when I joined and was even just talking to you, that was what I needed most. (P.S.: here’s a New Years resolution for you: FINISH A WIP thanks bye I love you)

@xinnic: my fellow Irish Catholic fam, you’ve been nothing but supportive of me and my work from day one, and I can’t count how many nights over the pretty-shitty summer I spent cooling down by rambling to you about my gay trash kids and my gay trash WIP. Likewise, I’ve never gotten tired of your ramblings about your gay trash kids and your gay trash WIP, and your rambles have singlehandedly made me weak for Roísín in 1000 different ways. You’ve always been there when I needed to talk or reference something, and when you bring your meme game, it’s top tier. I remember almost crying when you started the binder squad, and though it’s no longer around, I still appreciate it. Thank you so much for caring and just being you.

@lilquill: man, oh man do we have a weird relationship. I honestly kind of thought you were annoying at first and no that’s not unique to you but I also warmed up to you really quickly. Your energy levels are unmatched and no matter how tired I am, your ability to somehow shout over text fixes that. You’ve spearheaded so many weird and memorable moments for the hell server, including the readings that led us to our voice reveals, to the ACOTRASH find and replace kerfuffle, and so many other things. Besides that, you’ve been a great friend, always pushing me to do better and be better and calling me out when necessary; I may not show it the best, but I appreciate all of it, and I probably wouldn’t be who I am right now without you. You’re also one of the bravest and most outspoken people I know, with the whole whiteblr deal only proving how willing you are to speak out against bullshit and bigotry. Thank you so much for your undying support of me and of everyone else, and I only hope to be as badass as you someday.

@gingerly-writing: ok please don’t be upset that yours is slightly shorter than everyone else’s but I wasn’t around you as much SO. You’re an insanely talented writer and memeing at you as well as sharing my writing has been so fun. I annoy you so much but you still manage to tolerate me and honestly that’s insanely commendable. I want to see you succeed in all of your projects this year and the next and the next and so on, as well as continue giving amazing advice; when you told me I was really good at characterisation, it was the first time I’d ever gotten proper writing advice, and I’ll cherish it always. Thank you for being a pal and dealing with mine (and someone else’s who we’ll mention later) shenanigans.

@olympusrox123: Sian, you fucking Aussie meme, I love you so much and you won’t get this until later because you’re on a goddamn plane but oh well. You’re insanely funny and smart, and you’ve made me laugh so many times I can’t keep count. When you took part in the name change shenanigans on discord, that was when I knew you were A Top Tier Meme and someone I could send only my freshest. Apart from that, you’re so sweet and have always been interested in what I have to say; plus, I love screaming at you about whatever and whenever and that time we read the Sherlock fic? Godly. Anyways, I just want to say that I heckin love you and that I hope you stay just as you are. Thank you for being you.

@ardentlythieving: oh man oh man oh man my ultimate meme buddy. My compadre. Second member of the three Memesketeers. The shit we’ve gotten up to together is amazing and I’ve loved every second of it. From the day we met we’ve been basically inseparable members, despite your penchant for backstabbing and betraying my meme plans due to your chaotic neutral nature, and every memey thing we’ve done together and every in joke we’ve made has been one of the most memorable meme moments of my life. You’ve always been there when I wanted or needed to just let loose my chaotic energy, and the fact that you just sort of adopted me into both your meme house and your internet family in general has made me so happy. I’ve loved playing SWTOR with you and talking about Thrawn with you and sending you the worst shit I can find, and I wouldn’t trade a second of it. Thank you for being your memey-ass self, and if I don’t get even better memes this year I’m flying to your hell-sheep-rock-land to fight you.

@thornheartcat: we’re waaaaay too fucking similar for our own good. To our taste in video games and anime (max weebage) to our experiences with ASD, I’ve found so many ways to relate to you, which has made talking to you so fun. And that’s another thing: you’re older than me by a lot, but you’ve never treated me any differently, which has meant so much to me. You’ve always put me on equal ground with you and the rest of your friends, and have tolerated my fuckery since day 1, even if you do have some questionable choices in media you enjoy. The long and short of it is, you’re hella rad and hella nerdy, and I love nerding out with you. Thank you for seeing past my age and treating me just like anyone else.

@catcatamelia: chaotic Aussie lesbian says what??? Amelia you’re fucking great and so talented and so creative, and you’re so much fun to be around. I love playing shitty and good video games with you, as well as just talking and memeing back and forth and watching you draw; you’re so amazingly multitalented and interesting that I never get bored around you. I wish that we could hang out via the interwebs more, but bullshit scheduling is bullshit scheduling and whatcha gonna do. You’ve also always been there to comfort me because, like so many of my amazing friends, we share so many issues and commonalities that you always know just what to say. Thank you for never being afraid to open up and just be your wild self. Please never change.

@sea-reader: I left you for last because I have the most to say to you. Our relationship has been up and down in the almost one year we’ve known each other, and it’s mostly due to me. Since we started talking on discord, I’ve always loved listening to you talk about whatever; you always bring your own energy and passion to it, and even if it’s about stuff I don’t know a whole ton about, I’m never bored listening to you talk about it. You’re funny, and smart, and talented, and I’m so glad to have met you in the first place. You were a major factor in helping me out of my shell; there wasn’t a day that went by in the first half of this year where I didn’t mention you in some capacity to someone I knew because you’d said something hilarious or really smart or had brought some new idea I’d never thought of to the table or just done something. Was it the most healthy thing in the world? No, and looking back on it we started getting unhealthy even before The Thing That I’m Not Going To Mention In Public, but we’re continuing to grow and improve even to this day, and for that I’m forever thankful. You could have easily shut me out after that incident, but you didn’t; you gave me a second chance that I’ve rarely ever gotten, and I’m so, so glad. I know we likely won’t ever be as close as we once were, nor will we be able to talk like we once did, but that’s okay, because it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be us, and it has to be healthy, and that’s enough for me. I love you more than I can say, just like everyone else, and I can only hope 2019 brings the best for the both of us. Thank you for being a friend, Lori, because our relationship, the good and the bad, was part of what I needed and got from all of the people I interacted with and met this year. Happy New Year, you dork.

If I missed anyone, please forgive me; it’s now 7 minutes to 2019, and I’m rushing. Tl;dr; Happy New Years, everyone. Be a little better, because you can be, even if you don’t think so.

-Geoff.

#new years 2019 #new year 2019 #new year reflection #reflection #personal tag #personal #my own posts

[crystalkleure]

If you had to imagine the Burst characters as superheroes, what superpowers would you give them?

Oh! I love this sort of AU!! I’m sorry Anon, I got incredibly carried away with this, haha…

I have to say, I can’t really think of every character as being a superhero, per se – I think a lot of them are actually in a moral grey area [if not outright evil], but I tried to give everyone an ability that is hopefully fairly neutral, rather than being useful only for purely good or evil. It’s how the person decides to use their ability that determines whether it’s helpful or harmful [or, at least I hope I managed to make it that way – that’s what I was aiming for].

Valt: Moment Of ClarityValt has the ability to suddenly understand exactly what he needs to do to succeed, when he finds himself in a particularly challenging situation. However, there is only a chance for this ability to be activated, so it cannot be relied on to bail him out of danger every time. [Though, the more challenging the situation, the greater the chance of activating this ability.] Valt also does not remember using this power, meaning that whatever clever knowledge was spontaneously gained to help him out of a pinch will not be retained after the stressful moment subsides. He doesn’t even know he has any sort of superpower, he just figures he blacks out under stress sometimes. Oblivious.

Shuu: LiarShuu has the ability to make anybody believe anything he says, so long as he can convince himself to believe it first. However, for every lie he tells in this manner, an actual truth he tells will not be believed by anyone. This effect wears off if Shuu begins to stop believing his own lie – others will stop believing it when he does. Likewise, as they stop believing the lie, they will also become able to believe the truth the lie was preventing them from believing. A nuance: if Shuu were to accidentally tell someone misinformation without knowing any better, this would not trigger this ability. On some subconscious level, Shuu does have to have some awareness that he is lying in order to use this power. Knowledge of the actual truth must exist in his mind somewhere. His lies are only as convincing to other people as they are to himself.

Rantaro: Pocket DimensionRantaro has a seemingly infinite amount of storage space, accessed through his pants. He can stuff objects in his pants to store them for later, and it seems that time does not affect those objects while they are in there, as though they are in total stasis until removed. When removed from his pants, the objects will thus still be in the exact same state as when they were stored, no matter how much time has passed. Curiously, if you look into Rantaro’s pants, they will appear to be empty. Only Rantaro is capable of putting items into his pants, or removing items from them. Naturally, this ability cannot be activated if Rantaro is not wearing pants. [Though, any pair of pants will do.] If he is pantsless, any items he has stored in the Pants Dimension will not be accessible until he puts on a pair of pants that he can reach into. Likewise, no new items can be stored while Rantaro is in a pantsless state. And yes, this ability works on people [so long as Rantaro can get them into his pants]. Prisoners visitors of the Pants Dimension have reported entering and exiting it to be a terrifying experience. They can recall nothing else about it.

Dyna: DeathWhen under significant stress, Dyna begins to exude an invisible aura that is toxic to any living thing it touches [excluding Dyna himself]. The deadliness of the aura varies with the levels of stress Dyna is under [though even at a relatively low intensity, it will eventually kill anything that stays within it for too long]; at maximum intensity, it is fatal nearly instantaneously – however, Dyna must be incredibly traumatically distraught for this to occur. Dyna also cannot control this ability, and is often not even aware that he is using it; he is often surprised to notice the plant life around him has wilted when he is in a bad mood. This aura is equally toxic to all living things, including humans; when it has affected a person enough to make them fall ill, no doctor will be able to figure out what is ailing them [though, if exposure was not severe or prolonged and their symptoms are promptly treated, they will likely survive it]

Wakiya: FlightWakiya is capable of levitating himself, but not much else; if he attempts to float while carrying something [or someone] who is too heavy, he will be weighed down. Unfortunately, Wakiya is irrationally terrified of heights, and he must be reasonably calm in order to use this ability. Therefore, he does not often use this power, out of fear of floating too high, looking down, getting scared, and thus falling.

Kensuke: VentriloquistKensuke has the ability to perfectly mimic any voice he has heard before. He can also throw his voice quite far, up to nearly 10ft away. Strangely, he does not need to move his lips to do this.

Ben: MegavoiceBen’s vocal chords are capable of producing an incredibly wide range of sound frequencies; some too high-pitched to be heard by humans, and others so low that they can crumble stone and shake the ground. Needless to say, Ben is easily capable of bursting eardrums with a scream. Worth noting, due to the incredible range of sound frequencies he can produce with his voice, he is capable of producing acoustic resonance – shouting at a certain frequency to shatter glass, for a classic example. Ben is really good at breaking things with his voice – he can bring down a building by screaming. He has impressive lung capacity, as well; he can hold a note for quite awhile.

Orochi: AirwavesOrochi is capable of perceiving the air around him [in an open space extending as far as 40ft], understanding the way it is moving, and manipulating it at will. He can control the wind/airflow and moderately change the air pressure, and he is also capable of vibrating the air to produce sound and heat. To enable him to make the most of this ability, Orochi’s ears are hypersensitive to any changes in the air around him, no matter how miniscule.

Ukyo: CloakingUkyo has the ability to make himself imperceptible to others, by both making himself invisible and muting any sound he makes. This works by warping the space immediately around him; he can bend both the light and the airwaves within approximately 6 inches around his body. However, if you manage to touch him, you can still feel that he is there.

Yugo: Green ThumbYugo can cause plants to spontaneously grow by touching them, though this drains appropriate amounts of nutrients from the soil around the plants, so they should then be fertilized. This can both cause a plant to simply grow taller, and also to ripen its fruit immediately. However, it drains Yugo of energy very quickly, as though he is simply channeling his own life force into the plants.

Quon: WanderlustAs long as Quon keeps moving, he can build up and exert an aura of energy. The size and intensity of this energy field depends on how long and how fast he has been moving. [This ability is activated by will, as well; Quon does not have to start charging up energy every time he starts moving, he must consciously choose to activate the ability.] This peculiar energy seems to simply invigorate any living thing it envelops, causing plants to grow a bit taller, and people to feel a bit perkier; it can even heal some minor wounds. Even Quon can feel invigorated enough to keep moving, due to the energy he himself is producing – it keeps him from becoming tired. However, he can only build up a certain amount of this energy within himself, and when he reaches that limit, all of it is suddenly forcefully expelled in a wide-reaching pulse, and then he is immediately exhausted. Though if he stops moving before hitting that limit, the energy will drain from him more gradually, and he may continue shedding this energy for up to an hour or so.

Xhaka: Pretty Generic Super StrengthFairly self-explanatory. Xhaka’s muscles are incredibly dense and tough; he can lift cars and rip trees from the ground with ease. However, he is severely weakened by cold temperatures, and must remain relatively warm to remain strong.

Zac: StaticWhen excited, Zac can produce and build up an electric charge. He does have some degree of control over this, but the more excited he is, the more difficult it is for him to keep himself from doing it. He is able to discharge this electricity from his body at will, though if he allows a bit of it to build up, he also becomes able to drain electricity from his surroundings – even the sky itself. He is remarkably dangerous in a thunderstorm, or in the presence of other powerful sources of electricity; Zac can contain an immense amount of electricity within his body, and if struck by lightning [or otherwise greatly charged], he can become a veritable ball of lightning himself, shooting off bolts of lightning in all directions.

Akira: AcidAkira has highly corrosive stomach acid that, when spit out, can melt nearly anything; though, the acid breaks down and becomes harmless within minutes. A side effect of this is that he has an incredibly tough digestive tract that can digest pretty much anything. Unfortunately, it’s not a fun day for anybody when he’s feeling nauseous.

Lui: Icy-hotLui has the ability to produce blue flames at will, and to fully control the temperature of those flames. They can be anywhere from white-hot or freezing cold. Lui can regulate his own body temperature by cloaking himself in this fire, enabling him to easily survive in incredibly harsh areas, such as the top of Mt. Everest or the inside of a volcano.

Gou: Steady as a StoneGou has the ability to stay calm and collected, and to keep people near him calm and level-headed as well. He basically just radiates an aura of “it’s gonna be alright, we can handle this”. Oddly, Gou can only maintain this ability so long as he is near solid ground, and it is at full strength when his feet are firmly planted on terra firma. These feelings will slowly dissipate the further away he is from the Earth; whether he is in an upper story of a tall building, or in an airplane, or on the ISS, etc. Though, he can keep up a rather faint, severely weakened aura by keeping a piece of the Earth near his body, such as a crystal on a chain around his neck.

Jin: Styx SightJin has the ability to communicate with the dead by projecting his own soul into the afterlife. Unfortunately, he can only do this while asleep, and thus his narcolepsy causes this power to be activated randomly. Another drawback is that, due to being asleep, the experience will feel foggy and confusing like a dream, and will be difficult for him to remember upon waking. Also akin to a dream, to fully control it and remember it requires the ability to lucid dream, and Jin is not a lucid dreamer.

Naoki: Superb IntellectNaoki can think much faster than other people, and he can also remember information for much longer. He has an incredibly high IQ. It’s over 200 9,000.

Free: VampireNo matter how much Free eats, he is always voracious and exhausted by default; he cannot gain energy from ordinary food. Instead, he must drain energy from other living creatures in order to stave off this hunger and exhaustion. The way he does this is by simply consuming some part of his victim – most conveniently [and less damaging to them; Free is as gentle as he can be and does not like to kill anyone, or hurt them more than he needs to], their blood. The person or creature he feeds from does unfortunately need to be alive, or very very freshly deceased; the part of them he consumes must have some amount of residual life force still attached to it. Free can store immense amounts of this stolen energy as well, far more than he needs to simply stay awake and content – he becomes progressively stronger, faster, and keener the more energy he collects, and any pain he feels will begin to become significantly lessened as well [though it will not be entirely unfelt, and if the pain is severe enough it can still incapacitate him]. However, the overexertion this enables does eventually begin to put a strain on his body; it can cause him to overwork and strain his muscles [though he may not notice the damage immediately, due to the pain-dampening effect]. Upon working off all of his excess energy, Free will feel the full effects of the strain and it will likely be difficult for him to move until he recovers from it.

Sisco: Karma CircuitIf Sisco is feeling pain, he can give all of that pain to anyone he touches, amplified X2. For instance, if he gets into a fistfight with somebody, he may let them beat him down until he’s nearly incapacitated, before finally throwing a punch of his own to send all of that pain right back to his opponent at twice the intensity. The drawback is that, while Sisco no longer feels the pain himself, whatever damage occurred to his body to CAUSE the pain has not been healed, so he is still injured and just can no longer feel it. This can cause him to gravely underestimate the severity of his wounds. The effects of this ability only last for approximately an hour though; he will then be able to feel the pain again [and whoever he gave it to will no longer be feeling the amplified effects of it instead].

Ghasem: Memory BoxThis ability allows Ghasem to “imprint” his current thoughts, feelings, and overall experience, into an inanimate object he is holding. Upon picking that inanimate object up again, the memory of the moment he activated this ability on it will return to him just as vividly as the first time he experienced it. He can also share his memories with other people this way; anyone who picks up the “imprinted” object will experience the memory imprinted in it. However, if the “imprinted” object is too far away from Ghasem for too long, the effects of this ability will slowly fade away and it will lose its “imprinted” memory. Therefore, Ghasem must carry these objects around with him, keeping them close to himself.

Clio: Fear FeederBy default, Clio is only capable of staying fully awake and alert at night, and during the day he is exhausted or asleep. However, he can stay awake indefinitely by frightening other people, as he can draw energy from their fear. This leaves his victims feeling not only terrified, but very tired [though they can chalk up the sudden energy drop to being a simple adrenaline crash]. After building up enough energy in this manner [more than is needed to simply keep him awake and alert], Clio gains the ability to “latch on” to a single victim, becoming able to invade their dreams to harass them in their sleep, so long as they do not get more than approximately 5 miles away from him. Clio can continue to parasitically drain this host as much as he needs to at this point, terrorizing them whenever they fall asleep. Furthermore, at full power [when he has built up nearly as much excess energy as he can possibly contain], Clio is actually able to induce vivid hallucinations in anyone nearby [within a range of about 50ft], even when they are fully awake, though this now begins to expend his energy fairly quickly, rather than raise it – even if he uses these hallucination to frighten people, he will still likely be losing energy faster than he is stealing more. Invading a conscious mind is far more difficult and taxing than manipulating an unconscious one, and Clio can only keep this up for maybe an hour at best, minutes at worst.

Cooza: Slow-moCooza has the ability to slow down his own perception of time, to make it appear to him that time is moving more slowly than it actually is. This allows him to move with incredible agility, as he has “more time” to think about which way to move. He is also capable of handling chaotic situations quite well, by being able to analyze things more before acting. Cooza is thus incredibly observant and incredibly nimble. Worth noting: if a type of mind-reading ability is used on Cooza, then the person using that ability will also be able to see time moving at the “slowed-down” pace Cooza is seeing it moving at, as it is only in Cooza’s mind that things are perceived as moving more slowly.

Ruway: Fleet FeetRuway can move incredibly quickly, though generally only in short bursts. The muscles in his legs contract with impressive force, meaning he can both sprint, jump, and kick quite powerfully. However, prolonged usage of these “power bursts” does wear him out and make his muscles sore.

Joshua: Pheromone CloudJoshua can shed a very fine, glittering dust from his skin – this dust, when inhaled by girls, will cause them to become inexplicably infatuated with him [even if only platonically, if nothing else]. It has no effect on other males. Unfortunately, this ability is of little use to Joshua. Joshua is gay.

Kurz: Pink InkKurz has the ability to excrete a bright pink, viscous liquid from his fingertips. This fluid, when applied to the skin of another person, will allow Kurz to keep a general knowledge of where that person is at and how they are feeling. Unfortunately, the tracking is not precise, and the telepathy is vague at best, and the ink is quite easy to wash off. What’s more, the more people who have the ink on them at one time, the more difficult it is for Kurz to discern which signals are coming from who, and each individual signal also becomes progressively more and more vague. Kurz cannot accurately track more than about 10 people at one time. The strength of the signal from one person is also relative to the amount of ink on their skin; more ink, better reception.

Boa: StubbornBoa does not have anything flashy like an energy aura or elemental magic or even super strength, but he is incredibly difficult to kill. He can straight-up just refuse to die. If he can maintain alertness and concentration, even while at the brink of death, he can heal any damage that has been dealt to his body, through sheer willpower alone. This ability is activated by frustration and anger. Pain pisses Boa off. Boa is pissed that something tried to kill him. Boa will now use his rage-induced self-healing ability to remain unscathed as he tenaciously attacks whatever is threatening him until he destroys it; in this rage state, even if it wounds him again, he can heal that wound completely within seconds. If an enemy doesn’t manage to kill Boa in one instantly-fatal hit, Boa will just get super fucking mad and kill them. Naturally, Boa will not be able to use this ability if, for some reason, he is in an emotional state that prevents him from becoming intensely angry or frustrated.

Norman: TracelessNorman has the ability to leave behind no physical evidence that he ever existed. He does not leave fingerprints, and anything he sheds [such as hair] will vanish when he leaves the area. He cannot be recorded by cameras.

Ashram: RewriteAshram is capable of editing the memories of any person he touches. He may alter nearly any memories they have, or even erase their memory almost entirely. This is easiest when the person he is editing is asleep; it is much more tedious and difficult to wrestle with a fully conscious mind. However, there are some particularly strong, vivid memories that simply cannot be fully suppressed. Making direct eye contact with Ashram will revert the effects of the alterations entirely; though the eye contact must be truly direct, without looking through glasses or any other see-through object [such as the lenses of a mask].

Aiga: BerserkerWhen under stress, Aiga can work himself up into a frenzy where he will suddenly stop feeling pain, and will thus be able to push his muscles beyond their normal limits, making him incredibly strong. He will also move more quickly in this state, and he will be focused intensely on removing [likely destroying] whatever was causing him stress – his attention cannot be diverted to much else. However, his body can only keep up this “hyperdrive” state for approximately 10 minutes at the most, and when it wears off, Aiga is so exhausted that he will usually immediately pass out.

Ranjiro: SuspensionRanjiro can “freeze” an object at will, with only a touch. This prevents the object from being affected by much of anything, it is in perfect stasis. It can be moved, but not altered in any way. It cannot rot or be destroyed/bent/warped while in this condition. Ranjiro can also “unfreeze” the object at will; again, with only a touch. If the object is too far away from Ranjiro for too long, it will also “unfreeze” on its own, after approximately 48 hours. It must remain in close proximity to Ranjiro to remain “frozen”.

Fubuki: MetalsmithFubuki can absorb some types of metal into his body, and then manipulate it or expel it at will. This allows him to cover his skin in hard metal plates or spikes, or to shoot quills of metal, or even to form small objects out of the metal and then extract them, etc. He has full control of the metal as long as it is inside of his body. However, the only metals he can use in this manner are: Iron, gold, silver, titanium, aluminum, tin, platinum, chrome, and zinc. A downside to this is that carrying around absorbed metal will naturally weigh him down, as it is considerably heavy.

Suoh: ReanimateSuoh can briefly keep the dead alive, though it requires a good amount of focus that he can’t keep up for long. He can only do this within approximately 72 hours after death has occurred, and after he has reanimated something once, he cannot reanimate that same thing again. Can be used on humans and other complex organisms [animals], though with great difficulty; and the mental state of the “zombies” he produces depends entirely on how intact their brains are. Can be used on simpler organisms, like plants, much more easily [with less focus required]; he can keep cut flowers from wilting for quite awhile. He could also theoretically keep someone who is sick very ill for awhile, by preventing the bacteria/virus in their body from dying. Though as soon as he loses focus on keeping the dead alive, the dead go back to being dead once more.

Houi: Scope SightHoui’s eyes can focus perfectly on anything up to 200ft away. He can see even the tiniest details with incredible clarity, his vision is 20/20.

Phi: RebirthPhi is essentially indestructible. His body can knit most wounds closed quickly, and even if he is torn to tiny pieces, his cells can stick themselves back together [as long as they can reach eachother]. To truly kill Phi, you would have to destroy every single one of his individual cells, to prevent them from regrouping [and then multiplying, if necessary] to regain his original mass. [Ironically, fire would be one way to achieve this.] Some nuances: (1.) If only some of Phi’s cells are destroyed [or made otherwise incapable of returning to the main mass], the rest of Phi’s body will still put itself back together again, even if only a fraction of his original mass can be reacquired – This results in a smaller-than-average Phi, who will likely take up to a week to regenerate back to his proper size. (2.) Phi is only capable of intelligently controlling one decently-sized mass of cells at a time; single cells and tiny cell clusters are only capable of attempting to reunite with the rest of his cells [so in other words Phi is not capable of splitting himself up into little hivemind clones].

Laban: PrecognitionLaban has the ability to see into the future, with a bit of concentration – how far he can see depends on how well he can focus [though, the visions become progressively less clear the further into the future he tries to see]. However, these visions are annulled if he tells anybody else what he sees in too much detail, because the future can then be changed by them altering their behaviour due to the knowledge. This causes him to often speak cryptically about the things he knows but cannot fully share, which tends to make other people think he’s crazy…and in fact, he knows this and can use it as insurance: If someone thinks he’s a nut job, then if he ever DOES slip up and say too much to them about the future, they will not take him seriously and thus will not begin behaving differently and potentially changing the future. [Laban also just finds their skepticism amusing.]

Xhan: UnbreakableMost of Xhan’s body cannot be damaged by brute force…so long as he is bracing himself for the impact. He must consciously “tense” his flesh to activate this ability. A surprise attack that he does not know is coming is the only thing that can pierce his skin. Unfortunately, Xhan cannot move while in this “tensed” state, so he is invulnerable, but immobile.

Kyle: MimicBy obscuring his true face, Kyle can assume the appearance of anybody else he has seen before. Though, he cannot copy their voice. And it is simply an illusion; Kyle’s physical form has not actually been altered, and thus if you were to touch him you would be able to feel that it is still Kyle under the mirage.

#Long post #BeyBurst #Beyblade Burst #Beyblade Burst God #Beyblade Burst Chouzetsu #[I worked so hard on this lmao I'm putting it in the tags] #Have fun thinking about how all of these guys would interact with all of eachother's different abilities! #I deliberately made some complementary [and I also deliberately made some incredibly similar -- spot which ones!] #CK replies #If anyone wants to ask me more about this AU I've just accidentally made you can just refer to it as the ''superpower AU'' or smth #I will gladly keep chattering about it it was so much fun holy shit

[daisyishedwig]

Klaine Advent Day 12: Limited

Title: A Place To Call Home Part 3

Summary:  In a matter of days Blaine's whole world falls apart and everything he does to try and stay afloat only seems to make matters worse. A call to Sebastian Smythe is his last resort, and maybe the one that actually starts to make things better. 

A/N: If you like Blangst topped off with some semi fluffy Blam, Warbler bros, and Seblaine. You will love this chapter.

Blaine jolted awake the next morning to find Sebastian lounging on the king sized bed next to him scrolling through his phone. He was dressed in his Dalton uniform excluding the blazer which was draped over the desk chair a few feet away.

Blaine rubbed his eyes and looked at the clock, it was nearly noon.

“It’s Saturday,” he mumbled, “why are you in your uniform?”

“I have Warbler practice in an hour,” he said, not looking up from his phone, Blaine could hear the tell tale sounds of candy crush emanating from the speaker. “Hunter requires us to be in our uniform, even for weekend practices. I thought you might like to come.”

“I’m pretty sure that would be considered spying,” he pushed himself up, rolling his neck as he stretched.

“Or just visiting your friends. You know the rest of the guys miss you, right? They’d be really excited if you came.Though Hunter might try to steal you away from New Directions if he hears you sing at all.”

Blaine stood and made his way over to his backpack, shaking out his last clean polo and sliding it on. “Who is Hunter anyway?”

“New head Warbler. Transferred from some uptight military school. He’s got a killer voice and fantastic dancing abilities even if he is a bratty little dictator sometimes. We might even make it to Nationals with him this year.”

Blaine scoffed, “You’ll have to beat us first, and we are the defending national champions, so…”

Sebastian grinned, finally setting his phone aside. “There’s that cocky little minx I know.”

Blaine rolled his eyes and walked into the en suite to brush his teeth. He was almost done fixing his bed head when Sebastian came in, adjusting the lapels on his blazer in Blaine’s mirror.

“I’m serious though, you should come with. You need friends right now--”

“I have friends,” he bit out, suddenly defensive.

“Then why are you living with me and not one of them?”

Blaine opened his mouth to say something, but then he realized he didn’t really have an answer. At first he’d just been biding him time, hoping his step father would let him back in at some point. When it became obvious that wasn’t going to happen everyone had basically found out about his and Kurt’s breakup and the reason behind it. Sam was the only one who hadn’t started to cut him off but he… well his parents were mostly back on their feet, but barely. He couldn’t add any more pressure when they already had three kids of their own to feed.

“Nick, Jeff, and Trent would be ecstatic to see you, Blaine. Just come by for a little while, okay?”

Blaine nodded, “Sure, I’ll come say hi.”

----

Walking back through the halls of Dalton was a surprisingly painful experience. Dalton had once been his home, the place he met the love of his life, a safe space away from all the bullying of public school and the shit show that was his home life.

He hadn’t been back since the whole Michael Jackson debacle the year prior and his heart ached for the stained glass and ornate wall panels. Sebastian seemed to sense his mood and kept quiet on the walk to the Warbler commons, allowing Blaine to gather his thoughts. He couldn’t, however, protect him from the chaos of excitement he was thrown into the second they stepped into Warbler practice.

Blaine was immediately enveloped in a group hug that was lead by Trent, but quickly all of the remaining warblers from his sophomore year were in on it, while everyone else looked on in confusion as to who he even was.

“We don’t want to suffocate him, do we?” Sebastian asked when it had been a good few minutes and Blaine was still lost in the mass of navy and red. When that didn’t work he started picking people out of the group with a sharp tug to the collar of their blazer until he had reached the final four. Blaine, Trent, Nick, and Jeff. Admittedly the closest of their year, he allowed them a few more minutes to cling to each other before pulling them away as well and slinging his arm around Blaine’s shoulder.

“Yes, yes,” he said in a loud and sarcastic voice, “Blaine Warbler has returned in all of his glory. Even if he refuses to sing even one song with us, it is good for him to know that he will forever be a missing link in our choir.”

Blaine rolled his eyes and pushed Sebastian away. “What I think Sebastian meant to say, is that I don’t plan to stay long, I just wanted to drop in and say hi before I skedaddle on back to my team.”

Nick, Jeff, and Trent shared a look. Nick and Jeff came to a rest on either side of him, taking one arm each and Trent causally closed the door to the common room.

“Um…” Blaine started.

“Don’t think you’re getting off that easy, Blainers,” Nick said as he and Jeff started marching him to the center of the room.

“You yourself should know the rules,” Jeff said with a teasing shake of his head.

“No Warbler may exit the practice room...” Trent started.

“Without signing at least one song,” they all finished together.

“But I’m not…”

“Once a Warbler always a Warbler, Killer,” Sebastian said with a grin.

----

One song however turned into two songs and then into three until finally Hunter managed to call enough of the boys to order to get started with the real practice. As everyone else warmed up for their dance rehearsal, Hunter approached Blaine.

“Well, I guess I now understand all of the hype over you, Blaine Anderson,” he said and Blaine smiled, face flushed from exertion and pride. “If you ever wanted to come back, there would definitely be a place for you on the team again.”

Blaine laughed as he sipped at his water bottle, “Uh, thanks. Huh, my uh… my family is going through some stuff right now and funds are limited, so…” he looked down with a sad smile, “even if I wanted to come back, I just can’t afford too. Thanks though. I know as we get closer to competition season you probably won’t want a New Directions mole hanging out, but if you wouldn’t mind it would be fun to come back everyone once a while. Maybe help with your warmup and dash before the actual rehearsing starts.”

Hunter nodded, “I think that would be alright, Blaine. I’ll tell Sebastian to bring you around more.” He patted Blaine on the shoulder and returned to his team to start practice.

Blaine said his goodbyes to his friends with quick hugs, talking to Sebastian last, telling him he was going to get coffee from a shop down the street and then maybe walk back home. He’d let Sebastian know if he didn’t and wanted a ride once he was finished with practice. Sebastian subtly slipped him a twenty and Blaine blushed.

“I don’t need this, Seb. I have enough money for coffee.”

“I know, but you should get yourself some lunch too. You only started eating like a normal person again last night. You’re still far to thin and if you’re going to be any sort of competition at Regionals you need to be at healthy weight within two months, okay?”

Blaine sighed but conceded, “Alright, alright. I’m making your family dinner tonight though. Text your parents and let them know not to cook anything. It’s the least I can do to say thank you.”

“Sounds like a plan, go get ‘em, Killer.”

Blaine waved his final goodbye to the group, noticing Hunter watching him with a considering expression on his face as he headed out of the school.

Not more than five minutes after he had left Dalton’s grounds Blaine’s phone rang through with a call from Sam.

“Why were you at Dalton?” Sam asked as soon as Blaine answered.

Blaine paused mid step. “Um… are you watching me or the Warblers?”

“The Warblers, obviously. Ryder said he saw you singing with them.”

“Yeah, I went to say hi and they roped me into a few warm up songs. They are still my friends, you know.” Blaine pushed the door open to the coffee shop and stepped into the line to wait.

“He said you walked in with Sebastian.”

“How does Ryder even know any of the Warbler’s by name?”

“He doesn’t, he described him as tall, posh, and weasley. Sure sounded like Sebastian to me.”

Blaine rolled his eyes, “That’s a very rude description of him, Sam. Sebastian isn’t a bad guy.”

“The last time I saw him he nearly blinded you!” Sam shouted in exasperation.

Blaine’s right eye twinged with the memory, “He’s since apologized for that. And if I remember correctly, you all accepted an apology from the rest of the Warbler’s on my behalf while I was still in the hospital. If it weren’t for Sebastian reaching out I might have never gotten to actually forgive them for myself.”

“Blaine,” Sam sighed.

“Hold on a sec,” Blaine stepped up fully to the counter. “A medium drip and a cinnamon roll, please.” He handed the barista the twenty Sebastian had give him and accepted his change, stepping off to the side to wait for his drink. “Now, what offensive thing were you about to say?”

Sam made an indignant noise but didn’t actually deny it. “A little while ago you messaged me about someone sending you inappropriate texts.”

Blaine tensed. “I recall this situation and I know where you’re going with this. No, those texts were not from Sebastian.”

“It just… it seems suspicious you know. You cheat on Kurt and then suddenly you’re all buddy buddy with Sebastian? Artie saw you two leaving the Waffle House together last night, Blaine!”

Blaine sat down heavily with his coffee. “There’s been a lot of shit going down lately, Sam. Sebastian is just helping me through, okay? And if you’re really my best friend, you’ll believe me on that.”

“Even if I do, the rest of the team is going to be furious without an explanation. I know this breakup with Kurt is hard, but you can turn to us--”

Blaine scoffed, tears pricking at his eyes. “Have you noticed that Finn doesn’t speak to me unless it’s to criticize my performance? Artie rolled over my foot during practice yesterday and I swear it was not an accident. Even Tina and Brittany will barely look at me. And for some reason all of the newbies have decided to side against me as well despite barely even knowing Kurt. You are the only one who doesn’t seem to be actively hating my guts, so yeah. When shit got hard, I turned to the Warbler’s because at Mckinley I’ve been outcast because I made a fucking mistake and everyone else has decided they need to try and hate me more than I hate myself.” Blaine choked on a sob, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Let them be furious at me, but I need Sebastian’s help right now, okay? They don’t need to know why, let them assume I’m fucking him, let them assume he’s who I cheated on Kurt with. I honestly don’t care anymore. Because if this is the thing they’re going to take note of after the shitstorm that my life has been for the past month, they don’t deserve to know why.”

Sam was silent for a moment. “Do I deserve to know why?”

Blaine thought, and sighed. “I can’t tell you over the phone. It’s too… it’s too serious. I need to tell you in person.”

“Do you wanna come over? We can talk and play some Mario Cart?”

Blaine huffed out a soft laugh. “I would love to, but I don’t have a car and am currently stuck in Westerville. Sebastian is kind of my ride, right now.”

“Okay,” Sam said, “what if I came to you?”

“That… yeah. That would work. I’ll text you the address to Sebastian’s house, ‘kay?”

“Sounds great. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Blaine finished up his coffee and took his cinnamon roll to eat as he walked the mile back to the Smythe residence. He texted Sebastian letting him know he’d gone ahead and walked and sent Sam the address as he went.

When he entered the house, Marie was sitting in the living room floor working on a puzzle on the coffee table.

“Hello, dear,” she said with a smile, “did you have fun at practice with Sebastian?”

“Yeah,” he replied, returning here grin. “It was great to see the guys, it's been awhile. Um… I was curious though, would you mind if I had a friend over. We just needed to talk about some stuff…”

“Of course not, sweetheart. Do you want the living room?”

“Oh no, no, we can just talk in my room, it’s fine. I was gonna make some tea though, would you like some?”

“That would be lovely, Blaine. The kettle is just under the stove.”

Blaine didn’t really need tea after his coffee but the repetitive process of brewing it calmed him enough for the oncoming conversation that by the time he was setting a mug down in front of Marie and the doorbell rang, he felt about halfway to almost ready to talk.

He opened the door for Sam and ushered him inside. After a quick introduction to Marie they both took their tea and went upstairs to Blaine’s room. Sam lounged on the bed as he drank and studied the decorations. “Is this Sebastian’s room?” he asked, “Seems kind of bland to me.”

Blaine took a deep breath to bite the bullet with. “No… um, this. This is my room. Sebastian’s is down the hall.”

Sam froze mid sip and Blaine was ecstatic that he hadn’t done a spit take. “You’re… what?”

Blaine slowly eased himself onto the mattress beside Sam. “My step father kicked me out. For the time being I am going to be living with Sebastian and his family until I can work out a better situation. I might end up staying here through graduation, however. Everything is kind of up in the air right now.”

“Wh-why?” Sam sputtered.

“Why…?”

“Why did he kick you out? I mean… why now?”

Blaine twisted his hands in his lap. “Mom left on a bit of a sabbatical a few months back and after awhile we both kind of realized she just… might not be coming back. Of course the fighting between us without her around escalated. Everything I did was apparently a personal attack to him, Glee practice, student council, college applications, pining over Kurt because he was so far away. You name it, we probably ended up in a screaming match over it. And I guess, with the realization that he’d basically already lost his wife, he had no real need to keep her son around, so he threw me out.

“At first I hoped he might change his mind, decide he was too harsh on me or maybe he could try and fix things with mom. But he never called and I never wanted to risk going back.”

Sam was silent, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well… frankly I was ashamed. There’s something very… I don’t know how to describe the feeling of being disowned by the only father you’ve ever known. I really didn’t want to tell anyone about it for hopes that it would just fix itself, and when it didn’t… I ended up here.”

“But, you could have moved in with me. We’re best friends, Blaine!”

“Sam, I love your family you know I do. But you live in a one bedroom apartment with two younger siblings and your parents can still barely afford to feed you all. You do not need the pressure of another teenage boy to clothe and feed. The Smythe’s are clearly not hurting for money. I certainly don’t like mooching off anyone, but I’d rather mooch off of a family with plenty to go around.”

Sam slouched on the bed, clearly still unhappy with the situation but conceding. “I still don’t understand why it had to be Sebastian. Surely one of the other Warbler’s would have been just as rich and glad to take you in. But you chose the one who threw a rock salt slushie at you?”

Blaine shrugged, “I don’t really know either. When I realized I had not option at McKinley, Sebastian was the first one to come to mind and I just kind of went with it before I could second guess myself. I’m really glad I did though, his… well his mom is pretty great. I haven’t spoken to his dad much yet, but Marie is enough of a reason for me to want to stick around right now. Some of the other Warbler parents are… well think of beauty pageant moms and that's really how most of them act.”

There was a short knock on the door and then it cracked open and Sebastian peeked his head inside. “Oh,” he said, “when mom said you had a gentleman caller I was worried I might walk in on a heavy petting session. Good to see it’s just the straight one with the mouth.” Sebastian invited himself in and joined them on the bed.

“Straight one with the mouth? That’s really the best insult you have for me?”

Sebastian shrugged, “I’m too tired after practice to be truly witty. Come again tomorrow and I’ll have something better.”

“Well, with that kind of an invitation, how could I ever refuse,” Sam said with an eye roll.

“Are you just always going to invite yourself into my bed?” Blaine asked with a cock of his head.

“Only on the days that end in a Y. I’m hoping one of these times you’ll invite me yourself and it will be for more fun things that lady chats.”

Blaine’s bright smile faltered and his gaze shuttered and Sebastian was unsure as to whether to retract his statement or just let it go.

“So,” Sam said when he felt the awkward tension in the air, “what video games do you have, Sebastian?”

#klaine advent 2017 #klaine advent: limited #blaine anderson #seblaine #sebastian smythe #blam #sam evans #warblers #nick duval #jeff sterling #trent warbler #hunter clarington #klaine #monica writes #daisyishedwig writes

[shirlleycoyle]

How Ring Transmits Fear to American Suburbs

This is the third of a three-part series, where we’ll explore how Ring transformed from start-up pitch to the technology powering Amazon's privatized surveillance network throughout the United States.

On Halloween 2017, Ring’s servers crashed en masse. The Ring app was nonfunctional. Why? Millions of trick-or-treaters overwhelmed Ring’s servers. Children dressed as ghouls and superheros executed an accidental denial-of-service attack.

Kids are central in Ring’s marketing strategy, and the company even bragged about how many children they surveilled on Halloween this year.

When the company once known as DoorBot relaunched as Ring in 2014, its marketing strategy promptly changed. The convenient “smart home” doorbell butler was gone, reborn as Ring, a home-security product that doesn’t simply sell fear, but sells the idea that the nuclear, suburban family is a delicate, precious thing which needs protection from a hostile world.

In Ring’s advertisements and commercials—which are spread across HGTV, Fox News, podcasts, and social media alike—the company tells the public that it isn’t watching their families, but watching over them. Ring wants customers to think it's the protective father, but not Big Brother.

Although Ring is telling families that they need protection from unsafe neighborhoods, the company is also radically changing what a typical neighborhood is like. Ring has quietly partnered with over 600 police departments around the country and promotes Neighbors, its own neighborhood watch app, where users are supposed to report “suspicious” people.

Ring has also heavily pursued city discount programs and private alliances with neighborhood watch groups. When cities provide free or discounted Ring cameras, they sometimes create camera registries, and police sometimes order people to aim Ring cameras at their neighbors, or only give cameras to people surveilled by neighborhood watches.

We don’t have any substantial proof that towns become safer when Ring enters the picture. But when Ring cameras enter a town, it’s easy for cities to equate surveillance with being a good neighbor.

Inside Ring’s Marketing World

Ring’s marketing materials on YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are a strange mix of installation instruction videos, testaments to how Ring supposedly reduces crime, and family moments as captured through surveillance cameras. It’s like a combination of America’s Funniest Home Videos, Ellen, and Cops.

In these videos, high schoolers leave for school and say goodbye to their parents. Small children in costumes talk to their parents through the camera intercom. A family plays in the front yard, unknowingly activating the motion-detection feature on the doorbell camera.

Image: Obtained via public record request from Commerce, CA

Ring dedicated a blog post to a video showing a 19-year-old woman leaving for a date. Her dad demanded to interview her date before allowing her to leave the house. The dad made the man repeat, several times, that he would return his adult daughter before her 10:30 p.m. curfew.

These videos sell old-fashioned notions, depicting the typical customer as a nuclear American family with a patriarchal father figure supervising women and children who are unable to protect themselves.

This ethos extends to the influencers that Ring has chosen to sponsor its cameras:. At least a dozen popular Instagram accounts , almost exclusively run by white women, have promoted Ring products, according to Ring’s tagged posts on the platform. They all appear to be mom lifestyle bloggers who favor a Charleston aesthetic of white houses, linen clothes, and Etsy signs that say things like “Hello” or “No Soliciting.”

View this post on Instagram

When you’re paranoid like I am & think every time the doorbell rings it’s a crazy person on the other side (who else pretends like they’re not home & hides when the doorbell rings 😂) you invest in security for peace of mind. Y’all know I love my security cameras so we recently got the @ring so now I know who is coming & going and that makes this Mom feel so much safer! Check out my IG stories for details ❤️ • I just wish I had it a few months ago when my door was shot with silly string 🤷🏼‍♀️ 📷: @chelsearoc

A post shared by Ashley McClellan Houston (@nashvillewifestyles) on Jun 7, 2018 at 7:25am PDT

Ring also has a section of its website called RingTV dedicated to sharing videos hand-picked by the company. RingTV’s Fun & Convenience tab is dedicated to videos like "Goldendoodle Puppy Uses Ring Doorbell."

But aside from all the wholesome family videos and cute puppies, the company also uses the RingTV website to try and prove that its cameras prevent crime.

The Crime Prevention tab shows videos depicting people who "stop crime in its tracks" or catch "strangers in the act." Some of the videos appear to show people apparently considering stealing a package, but not doing so after seeing a Ring camera.

However, it’s unclear how commonplace any of these success stories are. Millions of people own Ring cameras, and the Crime Prevention tab hosts nearly 50 videos.

Image: Screenshot from RingTV

The Neighbors App, and the Racial Politics of Suburbia

Suburban life is at the center of Ring’s marketing materials, and almost all footage that the company shares is captured at suburban homes. This focus says a lot about what Ring is selling, and to whom: Historically, American notions of the suburban, nuclear family have been built upon the exclusion of people of color.

After World War II, white families fled from urban centers and resettled in homogeneous suburban regions. Redlining practices excluded people of color from getting loans and mortgage payments that would allow them to move into the same areas.

Additionally, as Vanderbilt University historian Sarah Igo writes in her book The Known Citizen, Americans associated the sanctity of the suburban home with the right to privacy. Suburbia was meant to be not only a destination of white flight, but a refuge.

Neighbors, Ring’s neighborhood watch app, efficiently encapsulates the mixed politics of privacy within the home and racial exclusion.

The Neighbors app, in its most basic function, allows people to upload footage from Ring products or other security cameras for other users to see. A post can be sorted into one of five categories: crime, safety, suspicious, stranger, unknown visitor, or lost pet. The Neighbors feed consists of these user-submitted posts and bite-sized alerts posted by Ring about possible dangers around town.

The app was launched in May 2018, one month after Amazon finalized the acquisition of Ring. (It wasn’t the company’s first experiment with mobilizing the politics of neighborhood watches to sell their products. In 2017, Ring offered free swag and discounted Ring products to neighborhood watch groups that promoted Ring and agreed to testify against their neighbors in court, if necessary.)

The Neighbors app has since developed a culture that is completely obsessed with crime and the self-policing of neighborhoods, and users often resort to racial profiling. Similar problems exist on the crime-reporting app Citizen and the neighborhood hub app NextDoor. On Neighbors, all posts are dedicated to crime, and three out of the five possible post categories deal with suspicious, strange, or unknown people. These options implicitly encourage people to post about people they don’t trust. In practice, this lack of trust is often racist.

The Aesthetic of Fear on Neighbors

The Neighbors app empowers people to not just watch their neighborhood, but to organize as watchers. Ring markets Neighbors as a “digital neighborhood watch,” which is an accurate description. It encourages people to think about who belongs and who is an outsider. In this way, Neighbors is not just a digital neighborhood watch. It’s a digital gated community.

“So much of it is this shared sense of the people who happen to be on that [app], or who we assume are neighbors like yourself, and watching and policing the dangers in your neighborhood,” Igo told Motherboard. “[Neighbors] also will undoubtedly reinforce some sense of who belongs here and who doesn't.”

When people take pictures or videos, they determine who and what is worthy of attention. But when people use security cameras specifically, they also determine who is suspicious and who does not belong.

Security cameras carry an aesthetic of suspicion and fear. Footage is often grainy, black and white, or green-tinted due to night vision filtering—but these aren’t inherently “sketchy” traits. Since security footage is usually shared in the context of crime on local news, all security footage is marred with the appearance of suspicion. Local news tends to over-represent crimes committed by people of color, meaning people of color captured on security cameras are at an especially high risk of appearing to be suspicious.

As more people buy cheap home security systems, the amount of security footage is proliferating. This means that more people appear suspicious than ever before. Even if a person has done nothing wrong, even if they have the wrong address or if they’re dropping off a package, they will appear suspicious.

Neighbors, and apps like it, have empowered people to publicly share footage that they consider unsettling, and people who they consider to be out of place, at a scale that we’ve never seen before.

Individual Decision With Group Implications

There’s a crucial, unstated aspect of owning a Ring camera: You aren’t just making the decision to surveil your own property and visitors when you buy one. You make a decision on behalf of everyone around you. If someone walks by your house, lives next door, or delivers packages to your home, they will be recorded and surveilled. They don’t get a choice. Buying even one Ring camera is a fundamentally communal decision.

Andrew Hager, who was a delivery-person for a meal-prep company in the Portland suburbs, said that he noticed all the “fancy houses” had Ring cameras, especially around Beaverton, OR. (The Beaverton Police Department has partnered with Ring, per documents obtained by Motherboard.)

For a while, he didn’t realize that Ring doorbells were actually cameras.

“It might've changed how I acted if I knew that there were cameras,” Hager said. “I was always professional, but I would’ve made sure I was not picking my nose or something.”

Hager added, more seriously, that he would not have been “blatantly checking the house out” if he knew he was being recorded.

“I feel like if people were watching me, they would've thought, ‘Oh, is this guy casing the joint out or something?’” Hager said. “Because you could totally think I was like, ‘Oh how much square footage is in here. I wonder how much they pay for this place.’ Before the door opens, I’m always looking around.”

Hager’s fear is justified. On the Neighbors app, users frequently post videos of people looking at their homes, taking pictures of their homes, or lingering around their homes. The captains often speculate as to whether the person is planning a robbery, although they just as well could have been at the wrong address or admiring the house.

“Making sure that packages are okay seems like a pretty common sense goal,” Albert Fox Cahn, founder of the anti-surveillance advocacy group the Surveillance Technology Oversight Project and member of the Immigrant Leaders Council of the New York Immigration Coalition, said. “But the problem is that it comes at the price of recording these workers who are delivering them. It's just part of this surveillance web on the job that's depriving workers of autonomy and privacy, and can really have an emotionally toxic effect over the long term.”

The New Neighborhood of Ring Cameras

Ring has two aims that work in tandem. On one hand, it wants to become embedded in the process of policing. But it also wants to build relationships with neighborhood watches, and to have its cameras to become a feature of neighborhoods.

Ring doesn’t only partner with police departments. The company also provides discounts to local neighborhood watches and homeowners associations. According to emails obtained from Olathe, KS using a freedom of information request, all community leaders need to do is reach out to Ring.

"We would ask that a community leader (for instance head of HOA or neighborhood watch president) go to [redacted] to begin the process,” a Ring representative told a police officer who asked about local subsidy programs. “The community programs teams at Ring will work with them to create a limited time, zip code specific discount zone."

Ring also provides city-level discounts, if the city agrees to pay up.

Dozens of cities have Ring discount programs, which involve cities and towns paying Ring up to $100,000 in taxpayer money in order to subsidize Ring camera purchases for their residents. Ring will match every dollar committed by a city per the terms of these discount programs. This means that for every $100 residents save when buying a Ring product, the city pays $50 and Ring pays $50.

These city-level discounts have been happening since 2016, according to documents obtained by Motherboard.

By funding these discount programs, cities conflate surveillance and citizenship. For instance, West Hollywood, CA distributed flyers advertising its Ring subsidy program at voter registration events, according to documents obtained by Motherboard. West Hollywood also sold subsidized Ring products “exclusively” to residents in areas moderated by neighborhood watches. Everyone who bought a discounted camera was added to a registry list with their name and address.

West Hollywood isn’t alone. Camera-purchase registries—which Motherboard obtained from Redondo Beach, CA, West Hollywood, CA, and Green Bay, WI—included the names of purchasers and the police patrol areas in which they live.

Image: “RE__Request_for_shapefile_assistance.pdf” from West Hollywood, CA.

Documents obtained by Motherboard also show that several cities will loan or sell discounted cameras Ring cameras to residents. In one camera “loan” program in Green Bay, WI, police technically owned all footage generated on all cameras given to residents, per contract documents residents had to sign.

Police from Redondo Beach, CA even used the pretense of camera registries to determine who should get a discount and who shouldn’t, according to a city council meeting memo obtained by Motherboard. Police said that they inspected the facades of homes of each applicant, and looked for who had the most “optimal viewpoints that could assist with criminal investigations.”

In a slide presentation obtained by Motherboard, Redondo Beach police said that applicants who offered to surveil their neighbors would get a heavier discount than those who only offered to surveil their own property.

Image: Screenshot from Secure Your Castle slide presentation from Redondo Beach, CA obtained by Motherboard.

Ring doesn’t officially endorse cities requiring people to go on a camera registry in order to obtain free or discounted cameras.

“Ring won't subsidize devices to cities to be used for camera registration programs,” a Ring lawyer told city officials in Peoria, IL, who asked about creating a camera registry program. “If you cannot agree to that, then we cannot do the program.”

“This is getting ridiculous,” the Peoria lawyer said to a Peoria City Manager, after forwarding the email thread to him.

But cities can make camera registries without Ring’s permission. The Peoria Police Department unveiled a surveillance camera registry program two weeks before these emails were sent.

“As a policy, Ring does not support any subsidy match program that requires recipients to subscribe to a recording plan or share footage as a condition for receiving a subsidized device,” a Ring spokesperson said in an email. “We actively work with these groups to ensure this is reflected in their programs."

The Fanatic Culture of Ring Stans

People decide to buy Ring cameras for lots of different reasons. Ring customer Bryan Herbert told Motherboard that Ring makes his life easier.

“I’m disabled and tend to walk slow,” Herbert said via Twitter DM. “It’s nice being able to speak to people at the door and let them know it’s going to take me a minute to get there.”

But one thing connects all Ring camera owners: a sense of community.

Digital community is a crucial tenant of Ring ownership. There’s Neighbors, where geographic neighbors connect with one another through Ring’s platform. But there’s also Facebook and Reddit, where user-moderated, fanatic communities for Ring product owners have flourished.

In these groups, people are implicitly understood to have accepted the privacy tradeoffs that come with owning the cameras, and the proliferation of police partnerships. The resulting culture is a combination of a do-it-yourself machismo and intense product loyalty.

The most noteworthy examples are r/Ring, the Ring-focused subreddit, and Ring Doorbell Users Group, the Facebook group for Ring owners. These online communities aren’t primarily focused on sharing “success stories,” or sharing so-called sketchy footage on Ring cameras. Users mostly troubleshoot technical problems and answer one another’s questions. Often, people who speak too negatively about Ring products are disparaged, even when they face frustrating technical problems with no obvious solution.

The admins of the Facebook group often advocate on behalf of Ring. In one post, the Facebook group admin screenshotted and shared a post, which began by complaining about the quality of Ring cameras.

“Don’t get me wrong,” the group admin wrote, “I’m sorry that [name redacted] is having issues and feels he must so eloquently announce to everyone that he is GIVING UP.”

The admin suggested solutions to fixing Ring products that were often more labor-intensive or expensive than setting up the device itself.

The culture on r/Ring is pretty similarly to the culture in the Ring Doorbell Users Group on Facebook. Dan Sullivan, one of the moderators of r/Ring, said in a phone call that he’s been a subreddit moderator for about four years, around the time that DoorBot became Ring.

“I’ve been leading that disaster for a while,” Sullivan said. “It was really an echo chamber when I came across it… There were people who loved it, people who hated it, and there was no one to talk to about it. It’s still like that now.”

Sullivan said that he tried to engage with Ring’s social media team and get them to provide help. Ring tried, but it’s mostly stopped engaging.

“Ring used to participate, but then they stopped because people were attacking the employees,” Sullivan said.

How Does It Feel to Be Watched?

Among the many Ring users that Motherboard spoke with for this article, none expressed privacy concerns, or misgivings about having a camera in and around one’s home.

Sullivan, the r/Ring moderator, said that if people are worried about their privacy, they just shouldn’t get a camera. It’s like Facebook, he said. If you don't like Facebook, just get rid of Facebook.

“I don't have it inside of my house for a reason, but I don't really care who sees what goes on on the outside,” Sullivan said. “You could make a list on why you shouldn't have a camera. Obviously these [videos] are going somewhere, being sent to a server somewhere. But I don't have anything to hide. I’m not a criminal, there's no risky things going on at my house. So I’m not worried about it.”

Sullivan added that there are benefits and drawbacks to every product. For him, the benefit of catching a criminal on camera outweighs the risk of relying on a private company to catch them.

Several Ring camera owners told Motherboard that they, in part, chose Ring because they wanted cameras that weren’t made in China, citing security concerns. Neither of them were concerned about how camera footage and customer data is used.

Why We Watch Ourselves

There’s one unavoidable fact about Ring: people are choosing to use this product. They’re choosing to put a camera in their homes. They’re choosing not only to watch other people, but watch themselves.

Self-surveillance isn’t a Ring-specific phenomenon. The core of self-surveillance has to do with how we understand privacy.

Sarah Igo, the historian, says that “privacy” deals with the threshold between where the individual person ends, and a collective society begins. As a result, privacy concerns are often invoked in situations where people are scared, apprehensive, or uncomfortable about changes happening in their society—technological, social, or otherwise.

As explained by Igo, after World War II, when white people fled to the suburbs, a combination of academic scholarship and popular opinion strengthened the idea that freedom, especially freedom from authoritarianism and fascim, can be found in the right to private property, space, and land.

The American home, in the face of these fears, became a place of safety and tradition. It was a place for families where a patriarchal figure protected his wife and children.

Americans, as Igo describes it, often fear and mistrust objects that mediate between the private home and the outside world. Many people in the early twentieth century viewed the telephone as an unwelcome intruder in the home. Fear of wiretapping was widespread throughout the century. The doorbell, for many, was no exception. Igo writes that people viewed the doorbell as something that empowered the outside world to penetrate and intrude on “domestic tranquility.”

Interestingly, Ring customers believe that the doorbell camera protects the home. It doesn’t invade the home; rather, it guards the home. Igo said in a phone call that this isn’t necessarily surprising. Ring doorbells, like all doorbells, mediate the relationship between the home and the outside world.

“Video cameras, security cameras, and so forth is the turning of the home outward to watch, in the other direction,” Igo said. “So I think it's still connected to this longer history of worry about invasions of the home. To prevent those, you have to look outward and invade the privacy of those potentially right on the street outside.”

“[There’s] this sense that the barrier can also be a window on to who's on the other side,” Igo added. “And that, at the very least, suggests rising distrust of unplanned interactions.”

So What Now?

Ring has some experienced pushback in recent months. In August, Senator Markey demanded the company answer questions about its data retention and relationships with law enforcement. Then, in November, five senators demanded Jeff Bezos answer additional questions about its data security practices.

Despite this pushback, Ring is not faltering or losing momentum.

It doesn’t hurt that the company has crucial connections to power. Jacqui Irwin, a member of the California state assembly, is married to Jon Irwin, the chief operating officer for Ring. Kira Rudik, Ring Ukraine’s chief operating officer, was recently elected to Ukranian parliament. Ring has connections in precisely the places it needs them in order to continue operating as it always has.

However, it’s impossible to talk about Ring in a vacuum, as if Ring is the only home surveillance company selling fear and promising security in return. Ring is the symptom of a worldview in which crime is an existential threat, and data-capturing technology is the solution. For people who subscribe to this worldview, it doesn’t matter that crime rates are actually going down nationwide. The only thing that matters is that they believe crime is a threat.

According to Evan Greer, deputy director of digital activist group Fight for the Future, Ring is a product that’s “incompatible with a functioning community.” If you don’t trust your neighbors, Greer said, it becomes okay to surveil in perpetuity.

“That's a fundamental idea that ties community together: neighbors trust each other, and protect each other, and take care of each other,” Greer said. “It just feels like, for Amazon’s business model to succeed, they have to sow distrust and fear between neighbors.”

Cahn, the privacy advocate, said that Ring and security products like it capitalize on a widespread feeling that we are never safe.

“It goes to some almost society-wide anxiety, that if we can't prove everything's okay, at every moment,” Cahn said, “then somehow, something terrible is happening.”

There is no single reason that people choose to watch themselves and others. The people of Baltimore, MD believe that camera footage can be a tool that facilitates justice in a city where justice feels rare. For others, Ring cameras offer the convenience of seeing who is at the door. Some people buy Ring cameras to usher in peace of mind.

Everyone who buys a Ring camera shares one core belief: that Ring cameras are neutral, objective, or even benevolent. However, in a world so overcome by fear that the people believe they must not only watch others, and watch themselves, there’s no such thing as a truly benevolent tool.

How Ring Transmits Fear to American Suburbs syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING ADVANTAGE

Today a lot of people who get rich by creating wealth, which is the satisfaction of people's desires. Another possibility would be to let that opportunity slip. Hence a vicious for the losers cycle: VC firms that have been doing badly will only get the deals the bigger fish have rejected, causing them to continue to do so but be content to work for a long time. One of the most powerful forces in history. In other words, you get anything, but this is the Bambi version; in simplifying the picture, I've also made everyone nicer. When I heard about after the Slashdot article was Bill Yerazunis' CRM114.1 Bulgaria, we could all probably move on to working on something so new that no one else has done before. What's a startup to do? I now believe, is like a pass/fail course for the founders, because they were living in the future.

Plans are just another word for ideas on the shelf. Which is not to run unnecessary utilities that people might use to break into this group.2 Also they find they now worry obsessively about the status of their server.3 A third and quite significant advantage of angel rounds is that they're too much influenced by recipes for wisdom. Computers are so cheap now that you can. Web-based software they are going to get bought for 30, you only have to compete with other local barbers. Things are very different in the early days of microcomputers.

Who made the wealth it represents? Large-scale investors care about their portfolio, not any individual company. In a traditional series A round they often don't. It would be like being an actor or a novelist.4 Actors do. But they usually let the initial meetings stretch out over a couple weeks.5 As one VC told me: If you were talking to four VCs, told three of them that you accepted a term sheet, ask how many of their last 10 term sheets turned into deals.6 Which for founders will result in the perfect combination: funding rounds that close fast, with high valuations.7

During the panel, Guy Steele also made this point, with the idea of versions just doesn't naturally fit onto Web-based applications, everything you associate with startups is taken to an extreme with Web-based applications. It had the same probability,. It's just not reasonable to expect startups to pick an optimal round size in advance, because that means your growth rate is decreasing. There are three main disadvantages: you mix together your business and personal life; they will probably not be as well connected as the big-name VC firm will not screw you too outrageously, because other founders would avoid them if word got out.8 Because of Y Combinator's position at the extreme end of the scale of the successes in the startup world, closing is not what deals do. But more than half the agreed upon price.9 When you can reproduce errors and release changes instantly, you can manufacture them by taking any project usually done by multiple people and trying to do things that might look bad. And software that's released in a series of small changes.

C is pretty low-level, but it looks like they're merely floating downstream. But what if your manager was hit by a bus?10 In the past, but users won't hear about them anymore. The most naive version of which is the prudent choice. If you're already profitable, on however small a scale, it costs nothing to fix.11 Since demo day occurs after 10 weeks, the company is default alive or default dead may save you from the building burning down. But by the time most people hear about it. Half the founders I talk to a startup.

With respect to the continuance of friendships. It would be nice to be able to find statistical differences between these and my real mail.12 Who would rely on such a test? He got a 4x liquidation preference. In a company founded by two people, 10% of the total or $10,000, whichever is greater. I asked him if he could get all the attention, when hardly any of them can succeed is if they all do. Before Durer tried making engravings, no one would have any doubt that the fan was causing the noise.

And once you've written the software, our Web server, using the state of your brain at that time.13 If server-based software will make new languages fashionable again. As word spreads that startups work, the number may grow to a point that would now seem surprising. Tokens that occur within the To, From, Subject, and Return-Path lines, or within urls, get marked accordingly.14 Another way to fund a startup is like being an administrator.15 And so you didn't get a lot of what looks like work. Except you judge intelligence at its best and character at its worst.16 The most obvious advantage of not needing money is that you can get at least someone to pay you significant amounts, the money is there, waiting to be invested. The advantage of raising money from them. And yet the trend in nearly everything written about the subject is to do the opposite: to squash together all the aspects of it that are most measurable.

In the long term. So if you want to isolate from your developers as much as a checkout clerk because he is one more user helping to make your software very efficient you can undersell competitors and still make a profit. Technology gives the best programmers of any public technology company. One thing we'll need is support for the new way that server-based.17 As long as VCs were writing checks, founders were never forced to explore the limits of the markets it serves. And that doesn't seem a wise move. A company that grows at 1% a week will in 4 years be making $25 million a month.18 In fact, I'd say investors are the most common type, so being good at solving those is key in achieving a high average may help support high peaks. VCs obviously don't need to: it lets them choose their growth rate. But at the moment when successful startups get money from more than one of the big dogs will notice and take it away. Now the group is looking for more investors, if only to get this one to act.19 For many, the only thing that mattered, and you are very happy because your $50,000 into at a valuation of a million can't take $6 million from VCs at that valuation.

Notes

Prose lets you be more likely to be self-interest explains much of the businesses they work for startups overall. The liking you have good net growth till you run through all the time I did the section of the magazine they'd accepted it for had disappeared. And that is not the shape that matters financially for investors.

I made because the arrival of desktop publishing, given people the shareholders instead of crawling back repentant at the outset which founders will do worse in the sophomore year.

But you can ignore.

Several people have historically been so many people work with me there. Thought experiment: If doctors did the same gestures but without using them to stay in a place to exchange views. Delicious, but in practice that doesn't have users.

But what they're selling and how unbelievably annoying it is not whether it's good enough at obscuring tokens for this at YC. But on the critical question is only half a religious one; there is a bit dishonest, incidentally, because it aggregates data from crashed hard disks. Different kinds of startups is that the VCs I encountered when we created pets.

It doesn't take a long time by sufficiently large numbers of users to recruit manually—is probably 99% cooperation.

If you're good you'll have to assume the worst. Particularly since many causes of the fake. Charles Darwin was 22 when he received an invitation to travel aboard the HMS Beagle as a type II startups won't get you type I startups. Basically, the most common recipe but not in 1950.

One thing that drives most people come to writing essays is to the minimum you need to be doctors? Later you can play it safe by excluding VC firms expect to make money from the 1940s or 50s instead of just Japanese.

And what people actually paid. But knowledge overlaps with wisdom and probably also intelligence. A more powerful, because sometimes artists unconsciously use tricks by imitating art that does.

It's not the original text would in itself be evidence of a company they'd pay a premium for you, what that means having type II startups won't get you a termsheet, particularly if a company, but the problems you have to want to create a silicon valley out of the proposal. Photo by Alex Lewin. But it is to write in a large organization that often creates a situation where they are.

But his world record only lasted 46 days. Statistical Spam Filter Works for Me.

There is always 15 weeks behind the doors that say authorized personnel only. The reason the US is partly a reaction to drugs. Steven Hauser. Needless to say whether the 25 people have seen, so we should, because it was briefly in Britain in the sense that if you needed to read this to be more like Silicon Valley is no different from technology companies between them.

Well, almost.

At two years, it is more of a heuristic for detecting whether you can talk about the Airbnbs during YC. I may try allowing up to two of the next three years, but conversations with other people's. If only one founder is always raising money, then work on open-source but seems to have to do work you love: a to make that leap.

The First Industrial Revolution, Cambridge University Press, 1996. The markets seem to be at the outset which founders will do worse in the 1990s, and that the feature was useless, but the meretriciousness of the Dead was shot there.

Whereas many of the former, and the first philosophers including Confucius and Socrates resemble their actual opinions.

Maybe what you can hire unskilled people to endure hardships, but it seems a bit.

According to Zagat's there are already names for this is the ability of big companies to say they prefer great markets to great people to bust their asses.

It's a strange feeling of being Turing equivalent, but there are no misunderstandings.

Thanks to Eric Raymond, Marc Andreessen, Ed Dumbill, Chris Anderson, Sam Altman, Robert Morris, and Mike Arrington for the lulz.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #release #wealth #weeks #Technology #University #users #doctors #businesses #years #move #startups #Cambridge #desires #round

[motivationsuccess]

I-Can Belief. Your Route to Achievement by Stuart Goldsmith

 Stuart Goldsmith

YES! You CAN achieve ANYTHING that you want!

Well; nearly anything.....

I often say this to people only to have them give silly examples of things which they CANNOT do. For instance they will say: "I really want to fly to the moon by flapping my arms; how can I do that?" or : "I'm seventy-five but I want to become the heavyweight boxing champion of the world!"

I get exasperated at this because obviously there are many things which you cannot do and will never do. Your physical limitations (alone) will put a ceiling on your level of achievement.

I call this absolute limit to your potential the REAL CEILING. Your REAL CEILING height is set by things like your age (and hence physical ability), and by what is 'impossible', in the real sense of the world.

For the purpose of illustration, I would like you to imagine this REAL CEILING to be like the ceiling of a huge cathedral.

Imagine this ceiling to be over ONE HUNDRED feet above you.

This represents the REAL ceiling to your achievements.

It may surprise you to know that most people spend their entire lives living and working under a FALSE ceiling.

Furthermore, this FALSE ceiling is set much, much lower than the real ceiling, thereby effectively preventing people from achieving things which are readily achievable.

Now then, how high do you think your FALSE ceiling is in comparison to the REAL ceiling? You'll be amazed when I tell you that most people's false ceilings are under three feet high. YES; THREE FEET!

Let me say that again:

MOST PEOPLE ARE WORKING UNDER A FALSE CEILING WHICH IS LESS THAN THREE FEET HIGH!

They are crammed into this artificially small space without even room to lift their heads. Do you see why I get annoyed at the silly examples?

People who give examples of silly things which they CANNOT do, are pointing out the limitations of a one hundred foot ceiling, whilst working under a three foot ceiling!

It is rather like saying to someone: "Hah! Your Rolls Royce can only go at 130 mph", when all the time you are riding a child's tricycle!

YES, there are things which you cannot and will not achieve; but these things are so far above your present FALSE ceiling that they are irrelevant.

Why worry about not being able to fly to the moon if you haven't even taken a holiday for the last five years?

Why worry about being heavyweight champion of the world if you cannot even give up smoking?

Why worry about being able to buy America if you cannot even pay off your mortgage?

I'll tell you something else: Although the real ceiling to your achievements is one hundred feet high, your wildest dreams of wealth, power and happiness are set at around the fifty foot mark; in other words, they are well below the real ceiling - they are easily achievable! I'll say that again in case you missed it:- Your wildest dreams of wealth, power and happiness are easily achievable.

The statement at the start of this chapter should say: "You can achieve anything providing it is sensible and within human capabilities." But this doesn't have quite the same ring, does it?

So I say that you can achieve ANYTHING AT ALL, and trust that you are sensible enough to realise the implied human limitation of the one hundred foot ceiling.

Stand Up Straight!

Think of the fantastic feeling of relief that you would experience if you could raise your FALSE CEILING from its present low height to the full one hundred foot height! It would be like being born again! You could do ANYTHING which any other human being with similar abilities to yourself had done before; or even something which NO-ONE had done before!

The possibilities are staggering:

You Could Become a Millionaire!

YES, YOU could become a millionaire! Why not? Millionaires are common! There are tens of thousands of them around the world. It's not so very special. In fact, this is one of the EASIER things to do.

Why do I say that becoming a millionaire is one of the easier things to do?

Well it's obviously not that difficult otherwise tens of thousands of men and women would not have achieved it!

There is nothing SPECIAL about these people. Only a small percentage achieved their wealth by inheritance or luck. Most of them are ordinary people like you or me.

They don't all have special abilities or talents which are excluded from you or I. They are not a breed apart, some exclusive elite to which we can never aspire - this might have been true a hundred years ago, but it certainly is not true now.

Most of them are honest and hard-working, and they do not have any secret knowledge from which we are excluded.

I became a millionaire in eight years, starting with an overdraft! I promise to you now that I am just an ordinary guy with no special gifts or talents for making money. I wasn't lucky either; in fact I had a lot of bad luck. I just BELIEVED in myself and my abilities. I raised my false ceiling, not to the full one hundred feet but to at least fifty feet! I still have another fifty feet to go!

But having a fifty foot ceiling sure as hell beats having a three foot ceiling!

Believe me, there is a very, very big difference between having a THREE foot ceiling and having a FIFTY foot ceiling.

Let's All Make Excuses

Perhaps at this point, you are probably thinking things like:

"That's all very well, but......" "He makes it sound easy, he should see where we live..." "If it was that easy, everyone would do it." "I bet he hasn't got children/dogs/sick mother/wooden leg...."

And many other things like this. In fact I hope you ARE making excuses otherwise you shouldn't be reading this book!

Excuses are what people use to cover up or justify their lack of

PSI and I-CAN belief.

I hope you will forgive me for calling them excuses, but THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE! I'll show you WHY you feel you have to make excuses and HOW to stop making excuses by raising your I-CAN belief from the present three foot FALSE CEILING to as high as you can go.

I vividly remember the time when I made all sorts of excuses for not achieving success. Do you remember that I told you how I used to blame anything and anybody other than myself?

I blamed my lack of money, I blamed my lack of contacts, I blamed society for favouring the rich, I blamed the depression, in short, I blamed everything except myself!

Why do you think I made these excuses?

Simple! I made excuses because they LET ME OFF THE HOOK!

If something else or somebody else was causing my failure then I wasn't to BLAME was I? What could I do about it? It wasn't MY fault. After all, I had all these handicaps like lack of money and lack of ability!

"Anyway," I told myself, "what's the point in even TRYING? The only people who make it in this world are either rich to start with, or lucky, or dishonest....... Even if I make lots of money, the taxman would take it all, so what's the point?"

I didn't take responsibility for my own life. It was easy and convenient for me to blame someone or something else for my failure.

Do you see how not taking responsibility for your own life is VERY CONVENIENT? The pay-off is obvious. By blaming external agencies you absolve yourself from responsibility, which, in turn means YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY.

These excuses were formed very early in your childhood, and they served the purpose of preventing you from having to make changes to your I-CAN World View.

For example, there was a time when you had to struggle to learn the basics of mathematics. Love it or hate it, this level of mathematics CAN be understood, with some effort, by most children . Somewhere along the line you learned the neat trick of saying something like: "I'm useless at maths, my Daddy and teacher both say so. I've always been useless at it, and I always will be."

This gives you the perfect excuse! If Daddy AND teacher both say so, then you have the approval of high authority for your imagined weakness. The pay-off is obvious. You no longer have to struggle to learn maths! After all, what's the point? You KNOW that you'll never be any good at it.

Note that this hardly affects the PSI belief (although the two types of belief are intimately connected). You don't necessarily feel bad about yourself over this, you just believe that you are no good at maths - or whatever subject applies to you.

This type of belief is also nicely self re-enforcing. The more you believe that you are useless at maths, the less you will try, ("What's the point?"), so the worse you will get, ("I told you so!")

Now here is something really interesting: Our society often gives out POSITIVE strokes to people who demonstrate a lack of I-CAN belief, PARTICULARLY TO GIRLS. This is one of the many reasons why women are disadvantaged compared to their male counterparts; they are actively encouraged (albeit by subtle messages), to demonstrate a low level of I-CAN belief.

Here are two fairly typical examples:

JOHN: "I'm useless at maths!"

DAD: "Nonsense son, you'll just have to try harder."

Compare this with:

MARY: "I'm useless at maths."

DAD: "Never mind sweetie, you can't have a pretty face AND be clever at everything can you?"

Going right back to the beginning of this book, do you remember that I told you how I read every 'Positive Thinking' book that I could get hold of, then synthesised my own method?

Well one thing that really struck me after about the fifth book, was that women were totally excluded from these books. In every single book, the reader was always referred to as "he" NEVER "she" and the books were all crawling with nice little sexist examples using a boss, (always a man), and a secretary, (always a woman), as the main characters.

Why do I make this point? Because 'Positive Thinking' books are rarely aimed at women. Women are NOT encouraged by our society to raise their level of I-CAN belief. In fact it is definitely frowned upon if a woman appears too capable or appears to believe in herself (unless that belief is confined to 'safe' subjects like cooking or bringing up babies). Most women who do possess a high level of I-CAN have long ago learnt the trick of playing it down - especially in front of male associates.

It is not my intention to explore the subject of sexism at length in this book. I am not qualified to do so, and it has been well covered by other authors. I only wanted to use this as an example of how a lifetime of training in lowering a person's I-CAN belief, can result in their being confined under a very low ceiling.

I said earlier that most people are confined under a three foot ceiling; if you're a woman reading this then subtract one foot!

Lack of I-CAN belief EVEN IN ONE OR TWO SUBJECTS is a crippling disease. If you don't take the trouble to correct the problem then WHOLE AREAS of life are forever closed to you. In the case of our example, you may not consider maths to be a great loss, but you would be wrong.

Maths is an amazing, wonderful, subject; you could devote a lifetime to it and hardly penetrate its mysteries. I'm not saying that you should immediately go out and study maths, but it is a sheer tragedy if, every time you brush against the subject, the mental shutters come down and you switch off.

It is TERRIBLE to be crippled like this.

It is the same with ALL subjects. They are ALL intensely interesting; it is only your lack of I-CAN belief which prevents you from finding them so.

When you raise your level of I-CAN belief, it is like raising a curtain on the world. EVERYTHING becomes possible; EVERYTHING is interesting. There is NO SUCH THING as a boring subject; there is nothing which you could not become proficient in, given time.

This does not mean that you have to become a leading mathematician and scientist; play the cello to concert standard learn nineteen languages and become a free-lance brain surgeon - but you COULD do any one (or more) of these things if you wanted to. We are talking here not about doing all these things, but about allowing yourself to believe that you could do them if you decided that you wanted to.

It is this belief in your abilities which signifies a high level of I-CAN. This means that ANY opportunity which comes your way is OPEN to you; not closed by your low I-CAN. You can learn anything you want.

You may not WANT to learn Arabic but you KNOW that you COULD if you wanted to. The I-CAN'T person would say something like:

"I've always been useless at languages."

You may not WANT to learn to water-ski but if the opportunity came along, you KNOW that you COULD master it, given time. The I-CAN'T person would say something like: "I'm hopeless at sports; I've always been that way; I'll never change."

You may not WANT to start your own business, but you know that thousands of ordinary people have done just this, and so could you if you wanted to. The I-CAN'T person would say: "It's too complicated; all those figures, I could never do that."

So, we have learnt that due to laziness, the brain learns to make excuses for lack of ability. The pay-off for making excuses is that you don't have to TRY anymore, so you don't have to risk failure. These excuses are self re-enforcing. They lower your level of I-CAN belief and bar you from whole areas of life.

Let me give you one excuse and two examples which serve to illustrate exactly how shallow these excuses can be: The excuse is: "I'm too old/infirm to do anything."

There is a lecturer at Cambridge University who suffers from a crippling progressive wasting disease which prevented him from walking. He wanted to carry on working so he bought himself a wheelchair and continued lecturing.

Then the disease paralysed him so that he could only talk and move one hand. He modified his wheelchair to be operated by one hand and carried on lecturing.

As if this was not bad enough, the disease attacked his voice box which had to be removed surgically. Did he give up? No. He had a friend design a computer linked to a voice synthesiser. He now uses one hand to select from a menu of words from which he constructs sentences and feeds them to the synthesiser. He now carries on normal conversations by means of his computer voice. He is still lecturing.

I still think of this man when I am tempted to moan about my physical problems.

I used to go hang-gliding. I thought this was a young person's sport until I found out that one of the champion hang-gliders was over sixty five! He took it up when he was sixty!

A very great many of the famous people throughout the centuries have done some of their best work during their so- called 'old-age'. Age was not a barrier to them, why should it be to you?

How easy it would have been for any of these people to give up, call it a day, say "I'd love to do that, if only...."?

These are just a few of the many thousands of people who have triumphed over the most amazing difficulties. You'll find that the people with the most severe handicaps are often the ones who do the LEAST moaning and excuse-making. It is often the people with quite mild problems, or even no problems at all, who use it as an excuse.

I used to know a chap in a wheelchair who hitchhiked around Europe! Yes...hitchhiked! He would sit in his wheelchair on the verge of the road and thumb a lift! Drivers would be so amazed to see him that they would stop. The wheelchair would be put in the boot, and Stephen would be helped into the front seat.

Where was the problem? He got a lift more easily than able- bodied hikers!

Being too old/young or claiming a physical disability are just two of the many excuses which people make for not achieving the success that they deserve.

When you raise your I-CAN belief, you stop making excuses!

All of us have restrictions which we could use as excuses.

We're all either poor, lacking in ability, lacking in opportunity, bogged down with responsibilities, too old, too young, ill, infirm, the wrong colour/race/sex etc etc. The list goes on.

Here are a few of the excuses which people use to justify their lack of success:

"I never had a proper education." "The trouble with me is that I'm too highly qualified!" "It's all right for you, I was in my first job at thirteen, what chance did I have?" "Mummy and Daddy were very rich, consequently I didn't have to do a stroke! If only I'd been made to get a job at thirteen, that would have given me the toughness which I lack!" "Everything costs money nowadays. Even if I could think up a good business scheme, I haven't got a penny in capital." "My problem is I'm too well off! Consequently I just dabble around at things and don't take anything seriously. If only I had less money; I'm sure I would try harder."

To Moan or Not to Moan?

How can you tell an excuse from a genuine complaint? Simple!

Excuses are nearly always given as a REASON for inaction. Complaints are just moans and groans; they rarely stop people getting on with things after they have had their moan.

There are other little ways of spotting an excuse, either in yourself or someone else; for example, key expressions often give away excuses. Expressions like:

"If only ....." "It's all very well but......" "I could never do that." "It's all right for you...."

A person uses an excuse to justify why they HAVEN'T done something. If they just outline their problems without using it to justify their inaction, then it is probably not an excuse, just a moan.

For example: "This weather plays havoc with my arthritis," is just a moan, but: "What's the point in taking a holiday in this country when the weather is so awful!", is definitely an excuse.

There is an acid test of an excuse: If someone demolishes the excuse, is another one immediately offered in its place?

This is a cast iron test of excuse-itis, caused by lack of belief. For example, here is an imaginary conversation with ARTHUR:

ARTHUR: "I've always wanted to go to Disneyland, but I can't afford it."

ME: "That's amazing! Just this morning I was given an 'all expenses paid' holiday to Disneyland because I met my sales target. I'm booked up for a holiday already, so why don't you go in my place? I owe you a big favour anyway."

ARTHUR: "Really? Thanks a million. I'll go!"

In this example, Arthur was not using excuses to maintain a FALSE CEILING. He saw an opportunity and seized it. However, supposing the conversation had gone differently and he had responded to my offer as follows:

ARTHUR: "Wow! I'd love to go but I get really scared in aeroplanes; it's a real phobia."

ME: "It's your lucky day! This is a sea cruise taking in the sights of New York, then traveling by Greyhound bus to Disneyland."

ARTHUR: "A sea cruise? Hey, won't that mean that I have to be away for over a month? I couldn't do that!"

ME: "Sure you could! What's stopping you?"

ARTHUR: "What about work? I couldn't take all that time off."

ME: "I'm your boss. Take a month off, you've earned it."

ARTHUR: "Well you see I have this collection of rare snakes which have to be fed every day. I couldn't leave them."

ME: "Snakes? Hey, wow, I love snakes. Do you think I could feed them for you?"

ARTHUR: "But I'm expecting an offer any day from my agent, I'd hate to be out the country when that call came through."

ME: "O.k. Get him to call you at your hotel."

ARTHUR: "Her."

ME: "Him; her; what's the difference?"

ARTHUR: "It's a great offer. Look, I'll think it over and let you know tomorrow."

Build That Wall!

Do you think Arthur will go? NOT ON YOUR LIFE! Did you notice the way he kept inventing a new excuse every time I demolished his previous one? I call this effect the BRICK WALL EFFECT. Not content with having a three foot high ceiling, people also build brick walls around themselves! The bricks are the excuses; one brick for every excuse. Take a brick out of their wall, (by demolishing the excuse), and out comes the trowel and cement and another brick goes right in its place.

When I meet people suffering from acute 'brick wall' syndrome, I like to play the 'brick removal game'. Just like in my imaginary conversation with Arthur, I attempt to remove their bricks one by one and see how good at brick- laying they are!

Some people are expert bricklayers. They're so quick that you can't take bricks out of their wall fast enough to cause a noticeable hole before they have closed up the damage with new bricks.

Other people are a little slower, and you can get quite a few bricks out. These people usually get angry or into a huff; then they'll run away to repair the damaged wall at their leisure!

Here's an example of a conversation with a slow bricklayer:

ME: "You've just said that you can hardly make ends meet; but it doesn't have to be like that. You can earn as much money as you like if you start believing in yourself."

BL: "What are you talking about? I'm unskilled. The most I can earn is £200 a week. You have to be a supervisor to earn more."

ME: "Why aren't you a supervisor then?"

BL: "Why? I'll tell you why, since your asking. You need to pass your exams to be promoted to that grade. I left school at thirteen so I didn't have much of a chance, did I?"

ME: "O.k. so get your exams at night school."

BL: "At my age? You must be joking! Anyway, I can't study, I'm no good at it, I never was."

ME: "Actually, you'll find that most of the people at the classes will be older than you."

BL: "Anyway, what's the point? My boss hates me so I'd never get promoted."

ME: "Then change jobs."

BL: "You think its easy don't you?"

ME: "No, but if you really want to improve your standard of living, then you'll find a way of getting a better job."

BL: "It's all right for you. I expect jobs are ten a penny where you live. Your sort make me sick trying to tell people how to run their lives!"

At which point he stomps off as he is not used to having his excuses attacked so relentlessly!

Why are people so rarely challenged when they make an excuse?

There are two main reasons for this:

Reason one: It is considered 'impolite' to contradict or challenge someone, particularly if you don't know them well. For example, this type of conversation would be unlikely to win you many friends:

JANE: "I'm hopeless at dancing. I've always had two left feet but I'd give anything to learn to dance properly. There's not a chance of doing that because of my responsibilities and lack of money."

YOU: "I disagree. If you really wanted to learn to dance properly then you would find the time and the money."

Whilst what you said was true, Jane would almost certainly be slightly offended by your reply . The "polite" response would have been:

YOU: "Yes, it is difficult to find time when you have a growing family."

This reply subtly re-enforces Jane's negative position.

Reason two: By AGREEING with the excuse-maker, you find a 'partner in crime' who will help you re-enforce your OWN lack of I-CAN; for example:

DAVE: "This weather is awful. My wife wants us to take a holiday but I can only enjoy myself when it's sunny so there's no point is there?"

MARY: "None at all. I would love to have a nicer garden but with the weather we've had, when would I enjoy it?"

DAVE: "Exactly. Speaking of gardens, I've always wanted a swimming pool in the garden, but there's no point if you can only use it for two weeks every year. Anyway, the price of them! I'd buy one on credit but I can't budget; I'm useless with money."

MARY: "I know! Everything's so expensive nowadays. I went to the travel agent the other day to see if we could get away for a week, but when I saw the prices I just turned around and came right out! I can never seem to save for things like that, money just slips through my fingers."

DAVE: "If you think holidays are expensive, have you seen the price of new cars recently? I'm sick of driving my old banger so I thought I'd trade it in. I soon forgot that idea when I saw that the CHEAPEST car was...."

And on and on. This secret complicity is absolutely RIFE within our society. In fact, so normal is it to play this game that people think you are REALLY STRANGE, and even get offended if you refuse to play the game with them. If you don't believe me, see if you find either of the following conversations a little strange or off-key: Two strangers are talking at a party:

JILL: "I love ballet but I never go; it's impossible to get tickets, they're sold out months in advance."

DONNA: "That's not true. I often go to the ballet, it's easy to get tickets, you just have to book months in advance."

Or:

JOHN: "I'd love to trade my old car in for a new one, but there's absolutely no way I could afford it."

DAVE: "I thought that, but then I knew that I deserved a new car so I went ahead and bought one anyway!"

Jill would probably deduce that Donna was a know-it-all, whilst John would figure that Dave was a narcissistic big- head!

In our society it is considered impolite to be positive!

It's amazing isn't it? People tend to think that you're either showing off, or gloating over your own good fortune at their expense. Being negative is far more socially acceptable because it piles the blame onto external events which are out of your control, then everyone can join in and have a good moan.

They can all go away feeling happy because their lack of action has not been criticised - rather, it has been praised.

Which is Which?

How can you tell a lack of PSI-belief from a lack of I-CAN belief?

The answer is that often you cannot.

For example, if someone says to you: "I've always wanted to ride a horse, but animals hate me," they could be suffering from a lack of PSI ("Rich people ride horses, I'm a second class citizen therefore I don't deserve to do this.") or they could have a strong PSI but be lacking in I- CAN belief, ( "Animals hate me, they always have done.") or they could have a problem in both areas.

In the examples given throughout this chapter, the excuses could be caused by a lack of PSI-belief OR a lack of I-CAN belief.

The two are fairly closely linked anyway; that is why later in this book I give you methods which will dramatically raise BOTH types of belief together.

There ARE methods which you can use to spot which belief is most lacking:- If lack of PSI is the problem, then the actual excuse will be irrelevant. If you demolish one excuse by argument, another will be put in it's place. The 'brick wall' syndrome is more indicative of lack of PSI belief than lack of I-CAN belief.

However, if the person offers one excuse and sticks to it; then shows an interest when you try to indicate ways in which they COULD achieve success; then lack of I-CAN is likely to be the trouble.

Look at all the different types of I-CAN'T belief there are:

Specific I-Cant's

These I-CAN'T beliefs are unique to the individual:

"I'm useless at sport, I always have been. I was so bad that I was the only person in our school to be excused games permanently."

"History is just not my subject. I switch off when I hear anything historical; it's so boring."

"I can't handle money."

"I'm no good with animals; they hate me."

"I don't have enough intelligence to run my own company."

Gender-related I-Can'ts

This category mainly limits women. Society has trained most women from the cradle to expect a lot less than their male counterparts, so typically they have I-CAN'T beliefs such as:

"I could never be a company director." "I could never be a millionaire." "I'm useless at figures, science, woodwork, DIY, car mechanics etc." "I don't understand a thing about electricity, it's so complicated." "A woman's place is in the home, not following a career." "Men need looking after. They can't wash clothes, iron, cook or tidy the house, so I do all that."

Men do not escape from this category! Society has trained them also:

"I could never look after a baby, men just aren't tolerant enough." "I can't sew, knit, bake, or cook." "I have no decorative sense, my wife does all that; women are so much better at it."

Race/Regional I-Can'ts

"You have to be white to make it in this town." "You have to have lived in this village for at least twenty-five years before they acknowledge you." "I'm a foreigner and can hardly speak the language; what chance do I have?”

Social I-Can'ts

"I never had a chance of a proper education; we were dirt- poor and we all had to go to work instead of school." "It's not what you know, it's who you know." "It's easy to make money when you've got money." "Property is mainly owned by the upper classes." "It's impossible to get a job around here, there just aren't any."

REMEMBER THAT THE PAY-OFF FOR MAKING EXCUSES IS THAT YOU CAN BLAME SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ELSE FOR YOUR LACK OF SUCCESS

The secondary pay-off is that CHANGING your I-CAN'T beliefs into I-CAN beliefs takes EFFORT and COURAGE. Your subconscious mind is HAPPY with your set of I-CAN'T beliefs because it feels nice and cosy. Just like with PSI-belief, your sub-conscious will RESIST any attempts by yourself to change it's I-CAN World View.

REMEMBER THAT EVERY I-CAN'T EXCUSE CLOSES A WHOLE AREA OF EXPERIENCE AND OPPORTUNITY TO YOU

Let's just take one example and examine it in a little more detail. I could choose any example, but I have decided to choose the excuse about men not being able to look after babies.

The PAY-OFF for the man is that he avoids some difficult work and does not have to master a whole new set of skills. Every time the baby cries, all he has to do is call for Mum.

He avoids smelly nappies and mopping up vomit because he's "All fingers and thumbs when it comes to doing that sort of thing."

He doesn't have to get up in the night when the baby cries because: "Babies need their Mothers when they are crying, men are too rough."

His additional pay-off is that he doesn't have to radically change his I-CAN'T World View. This is the part of his World View jigsaw which says:

"Men are not suited to looking after babies, that's women's work. Women are naturals at it, men are too rough, careless and intolerant. Any man who looks after a baby must be a bit of a sissy; you wouldn't catch me wheeling a pram down the road, what would my mates think? Men just don't have the necessary skills or knowledge to make a good job of it; anyway, even if they did the women would soon be up in arms, it's about the only thing they can do."

To change his I-CAN'T belief into an I-CAN belief, he has to change this whole section of his World View, and there are some pretty major pieces of the jigsaw puzzle contained here. HIS SUBCONSCIOUS WILL RESIST THIS CHANGE PURELY OUT OF INERTIA.

INERTIA RULES THE SUBCONSCIOUS: IT DOESN'T LIKE CHANGE

Remember, the thought of change produces FEAR which causes INERTIA which tries to prevent the change.

But this I-CAN'T belief closes off a whole area of life experience to the man. Yes, it is very difficult looking after a baby, but it also brings a huge set of rewards which are unique in human experience; ask any mother.

I found out how enriching, (and exhausting), this could be after the birth of our twins. I held some of the I-CAN'T beliefs mentioned above, but there was no room for the luxury of them with twins around! I had to do my fair share otherwise we would never have coped. I soon shook off those old attitudes and I'M VERY GLAD THAT I DID. Yes it was totally exhausting working all day, then going home to a second job. Being woken ten or twenty times a night was the hardest thing I think I have ever coped with, but there is no doubt that I am a better person for it, and I hope, closer to my children.

THERE IS NOTHING WHICH YOU CANNOT DO. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BOREDOM. EVERY OPPORTUNITY WHICH YOU SEIZE WILL BRING BIG RESULTS. EVERY TIME YOU SAY "I-CAN'T" A PART OF YOU DIES

The Corridor of Life

Imagine life as a long corridor with many doors leading off to each side. Every door is labeled with a particular opportunity, an exciting adventure in life. Behind many of the doors lie success and fortune; behind others are life- enriching experiences. Each door leads to a world of possibilities!

With strong PSI and lots of I-CAN belief, EVERY door is open to you; all you have to do is decide which room to go into and how long to dally there before sampling the delights of the next room.

With poor PSI belief, OVER HALF OF THE DOORS ARE SLAMMED AND LOCKED FIRMLY SHUT, because you don't believe that people like you deserve to go through them. These rooms have gold-plated RESERVED signs on them, and it never even crosses your mind that they may be reserved for YOU!

With lack of I-CAN belief, many of the doors are forever closed to you. Instead of these doors bearing a sign spelling out an opportunity, they each have a large red sign saying DANGER! NO ADMITTANCE - HIGHLY SKILL PERSONNEL ONLY!

With so many doors firmly shut, it is not surprising that, after walking down the corridor of life for a while, you begin to wonder why you never get 'the breaks' or why opportunity always seems to pass you by? It is YOU who are passing opportunity by!

After walking down the corridor for a while and trying a few doors, only to find them locked shut, you naturally become cynical; you stop believing that there is anything behind the doors at all! This has the effect of preventing you from even bothering to try any more handles!

What Causes I-CAN'T Belief?

It is a learned response. When you were born, you had no pre-conceived ideas about your abilities. All of your I-CAN and I-CAN'T beliefs were painstakingly built up BY YOU over the years.

YOUR ENVIRONMENT DIDN'T LIMIT YOU! You may have had a tough time as a kid, perhaps your parents were very poor, perhaps you were brought up in a slum and beaten every day; but in the end, it was YOU who DECIDED that this would be a limiting factor. After all, THOUSANDS of people had worse backgrounds, yet still made a huge success of their lives. Quite a few even admit that their terrible environment spurred them on the succeed. They knew how bad things could be, and they wanted something better.

I agree that it's not EASY if you had a bad environment as a child, but who said it SHOULD be easy? If it was EASY it probably wouldn't be worth doing!

It's no easier for a rich kid. They had everything on a plate when they were children, as a result they didn't value anything or appreciate the good things in life. Consequently they find it hard to succeed because they are used to getting everything they want instantly, so they find it hard to apply themselves.

Nevertheless, at some point you learned that you could use the excuse of your poor environment to great effect. It stopped you trying any more. After all, what could you do? You never had a chance did you?

OTHER PEOPLE DIDN'T LIMIT YOU! Your parents and teachers might have hated you and called you useless, stupid, hopeless and a waste of space, but YOU chose to listen to them and believe them.

They may very well have tried to limit you when you were a kid, BUT YOU'RE GROWN UP NOW! You don't have to listen to them anymore, they can't touch you! The world is absolutely wide open to you, and, if you had a limited childhood then you will appreciate all the exciting opportunities MUCH MORE than someone who is used to being able to do anything they please.

I am hammering this point home because it is VITAL that you understand and believe completely that it is YOU who are limiting yourself with I-CAN'T beliefs, not your ENVIRONMENT, and not other people, but YOU. The ultimate I- CAN'T belief is this:

"I CAN'T succeed because there is nothing I can do about it; it is not under my control. My failure is caused by someone or something else."

Nevertheless, when you were younger, you LISTENED to the people who told you you were useless at sport. You BELIEVED the people who told you that you would never go to college, never make the team, never BE anybody. You valued other people's opinions more than your own. If someone told you that you were stupid, you believed them!

This may be understandable when you were five years old and the person telling you how stupid you were was an adult; naturally you will believe them, and it is at this time that I-CAN'T beliefs are formed. BUT YOU ARE GROWN UP NOW! You are not five years old any more!

YOU CAN CHOOSE TO ABANDON THESE OLD I-CAN'T BELIEFS

They are relics, fossils of a bygone time. They are someone else's hang-ups passed on to you. YOU DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE.

Sure, your subconscious won't LIKE changing the World View.

It will HATE throwing away all those nice neat pieces of the jigsaw, it will FIGHT any changes you try and make, but my response is: TOUGH LUCK! Your subconscious WILL change if you use the correct methods. It is like a stubborn donkey, if you are insistent enough, it will walk, but if you are wishy-washy and half-hearted, it will just stand there.

You CAN and MUST change your I-CAN'T belief into I-CAN belief if you are to succeed, otherwise thousands of opportunities will just pass you by. You have to grab EVERY opportunity as it gallops past you if you are to succeed. Blink and it's gone; charging away into the distance until reigned-in by some braver soul.

Without I-CAN belief, you WON'T RECOGNISE opportunity even if it stops and licks your face!

Here are a few invented examples of the sort of opportunity which will pass you by:

A friend will suggest that you set up a partnership with her and run a book-shop. You want to do it, but will decline because you know nothing about books.

Someone will give you a red-hot investment tip, but since you've never bought shares before and don't know anything about it, you will play safe and not invest.

You will see an advert for a sky-diving course; you want to do it but think that you are too old, or not fit enough, so you don't.

You want to buy your own house but don't think that you can understand the legal/financial technicalities, so you stay in your rented flat.

YOU READ THIS BOOK, BUT YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF ENOUGH TO EVEN TRY MY METHOD. TWO YEARS LATER, YOU ARE STILL IN EXACTLY THE SAME POSITION AS NOW.

So now you know about I-CAN belief. I have told you that I- CAN is about believing in your own abilities as opposed to PSI which was concerned with belief in your own worth. You know that I-CAN is a learned response stemming mainly from the things people said to you as a child. You also know that It is convenient for you to retain these I-CANTs because they prevent you from having to bother to try - and possibly fail.

Having gained your I-CANT beliefs, they become a part of your World View, often they become central pieces of the jigsaw. As you know, the subconscious mind does not like changing central pieces of the jigsaw because this causes FEAR and INSECURITY. To prevent you tinkering, the subconscious uses its master weapon of INERTIA. Inertia prevents you from changing.

Clinging onto old I-CAN't beliefs cripples you and isolates you from many of life's enriching experiences - it effectively prevents you from succeeding. The extent to which your success is inhibited depends upon the type, degree and number of I-CAN't beliefs held by you, but ALL I- CAN't beliefs are bad and life-depressing.

In a later chapter I will be explaining my powerful technique for eradicating I-CAN't beliefs from your subconscious, meanwhile, let's have a look at the third barrier which is preventing you from a achieving everything which you desire.

Extracted from the book 'The Midas Method' by Stuart Goldsmith

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[minaminokyoko]

I am (black) woman. Hear me SMASH!

So here’s the thing.

 Can you see my icon? Well, there’s a chance I might change it after I (*knocks on wood*) meet a certain Captain Mal Reynolds in September 2017, but at the time of this post, it’s a picture of me, Kyo, hugging Chris Evans. Now, since that’s been posted, I can tell you right off the bat that it’s gotten a 99.8% positive reception by everyone who has seen it. I mean, come on. It’s Captain America. And he’s snuggling me. And also that’s the biggest, happiest smile that has ever crawled across my face and it’s very easy to tell that I’m enjoying myself quite a lot. But we’re not here to talk about how insanely satisfying that hug was.

 We’re here to talk about that .2% negative reception.

 So earlier today, someone I recently friended made a post that came to the size of “I hate it when white women jump onto a conversation in social media held between black people to give their unwanted opinion.” Thinking this was a fun conversation, I jump in with a facetious response that basic bitches have a dying need to do so.

 Well, the response I got was not what I expected.

 The person comes back at me with the fact that I can’t talk since I’m hugging white men in my photos and continues on in a highly, highly disrespectful, condescending tone about my joke.

 Because that’s a totally reasonable reaction to a sarcastic comment from a person who has had you friended for a short period of time.

 I was at lunch when the nasty comment was received. At the time, I was mostly confused, so I kept eating, responded with, “…okay, so that was a joke, but sure. Be mad. Adios.” I then blocked the person and finished eating.

 And as the day progressed, I got angrier and angrier about it.

 See, here’s the thing: fine, maybe my joke wasn’t funny and maybe somehow I offended the person by chocking it up to basic bitches. I’m socially awkward. All the time. I misjudge shit like you would not believe online. People have bashed me before and they will again until I’m dead. I hate it. I have low self-esteem, so every time someone insults me, I take it personally and usually spiral into an episode of depression as a result, even if the insult is ungrounded or delivered by a person who is basically just a walking assbucket. Maybe I’m a bad person who isn’t trying hard enough to be a good person. Maybe I should shut my mouth and keep on scrolling instead of contributing or trying to fit in with other people. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

 But I still have a fucking problem with this guy.

 I don’t like people who make broad generalizations based on limited evidence. If you looked at my photos, yeah, I’m hugging a BUNCH of famous white actors.

 But why does that make it okay for you to insult me for it and assume that white men are the only men I care about at all?

 Furthermore, why is it any of your fucking business to begin with?

 I think the reason I just spent my entire day quietly fuming over this is because it did in fact come from a black man, and this is the second time I’ve gotten grief from a black guy about dating white men. I know it’s nowhere near as prominent as black men getting shit for dating white women, but it really pisses me off that he went there when he doesn’t know the first goddamn thing about me.

 First of all, it would be different if all my pictures were just me with random white guys I had dated. It’s fucking Captain America. I know grown ass men of every color who would kill to wrap their arms around that walking Dorito made of sunshine and happy times. So coming to the conclusion that I’m a white chocolate chaser (actually, I have no idea if there is an insulting term for a black woman who prefers white men. Is that a thing? Wow, I need to Urban Dictionary this shit…) based on me hugging famous white dudes is pretty dumb and inaccurate. I’m into comic books, science fiction, fantasy, anime/manga, and other nerdy shit, and guess what? Right now, in our current nerd culture, most of the people who are prominent in those types of interests are white men. And that doesn’t mean I don’t love famous nerdy black people. For fuck’s sake, I would chop my arm off to meet Gina Torres or Phil Lamarr or Carl Lumbly or Cree Summer or Donald Glover. I have a shitload of nerdy black people on my bucket list that I can’t wait to take photo ops with as soon as the moment arises. Hell, I was going to meet Cree Summer in 2016 until my stupid former boss screwed me out of my vacation to see her at Momocon.

 And even if it was just me and a bunch of white dudes who are not famous, who cares? Why does my taste in men at all affect how you didn’t like my fucking joke? What gives you the right to pass judgment on me as a person based on a shitty joke? Why would you insult me instead of just saying you disagree with the joke? Oh, right, because you are an assbucket.

 Second of all, what the fuck is it with me getting not one but two complete strangers’ ire for dating outside of my race, as if this is the fucking 1950’s? Are you kidding me? Really? You don’t run my goddamn life. I can date whomever the fuck I want. I’ve been attracted to all kinds of guys. Hell, the last guy I found attractive was Muslim and Lebanese. A man is a man is a man. I don’t give a damn what color your skin is—if you’re a bomb ass motherfucker and physically attractive to me personally, I’m going to date you and I don’t care what anyone says, but it just makes me furious to get this from black men in particular. I hate it when interracial dating gets treated like betrayal. I don’t owe you shit. My skin color does not define my entire personality, although apparently it defines other people’s way more than I was aware of. I am a black woman. I love black men. I have loved black men my whole life.

 But let me explain something real quick.

 I don’t know jackshit about psychology, but I have pieced together that almost all of the positive relationships excluding family members that I have had since childhood to adulthood have been with heterosexual white males. From elementary school to high school, all I knew and was attracted to were black men because I went to a majority black school. I continued dating black men on through college, and by the time I graduated, I had a crush on a white guy and I had been friends with lots of them as I went to the University of Georgia. Post-college, I started to realize that in the South, a lot of the male friends that gravitated towards me were white men, and black men started to fall back. I didn’t seek them out, mind you, it just happened as my nerdiness started to flourish and I began to settle into who I was as a person. Add in the fact that nearly all the positive relationships with black men in my life were family members and the Freudian logic seems to follow through. Plus, I’ve only blind-dated one guy. Every guy I’ve ever liked has been a longtime friend, and as I said before, white men tended to gravitate towards me since I like comic books and manga and other nerdy shit.

 So yes, I can safely say that I have a type, but that by no circumstances means that I only date white men or that I only seek them out.

 Third of all, it makes me angriest of all that it seems like this is the reaction I’m going to keep getting from certain black male nerds. That shit is not okay. It is bad enough that black people often get shit from either white people or ignorant black people for being nerdy because even though it’s fucking 2017, certain people still think that being nerdy means you want to be white. Sorry. No. I love my skin. I love how perfectly brown I am. I have not once in my entire life wanted to be white. I love the experiences that have come from my race and I am perfectly happy with it as I continue along this ridiculous path I have chosen for my life. I shouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit from black men. You can’t just stare down your brain and tell it who to be attracted to. It’s chemistry. It’s biology. It’s psychology. You like what you like and you don’t like what you don’t like. The only way the assbucket’s argument would be valid is if I said that black men ain’t shit, and I don’t believe that for one second. Black men are awesome. They are some of the most attractive, intelligent, supportive, strong people on the planet, and guys like the assbucket are doing them a disservice with bullshit like what I heard today.

 What’s my point in all this?

 If you think that it’s totally fine to say some shit like this to someone, even if they made an ill-received joke, you’re a fucking walking garbage fire.

 You don’t get to decide what is acceptable for someone else to date. You don’t get to pass judgment based on a passing glance of someone’s social life. And you especially don’t get to talk down to someone on an assumption that you have inadequate evidence to support.

 Stay in your goddamn fucking lane.

 I don’t get a lot of wins in my life. It’s very likely I’m going to never have kids and die an old cat lady because I’m so internally fucked up from various things in my past.

 But you know what makes me happy?

 Hugging as many fucking celebrities as I can before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

 And I shouldn’t have to hear shit from anyone for that.

 I am (black) woman. Hear me smash.

If anyone gets the reference in the title, you win a cookie.

#personal post #rant #don't bother replying with a rant #i don't care and i'm not going to respond #rant post is rant #angry