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gremlin-writes-angst · 9 months

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Knowing is Safe Ch.3

2858 words

Fandom: Redacted ASMR/ Redacted Audio / Redactedverse

Couple: Cutie/Geordi

TW/CW: Parental Emotional abuse/ Neglatful parents/ Divorce / Anxiety/ Paranoia / Talk of Non-consensual mind reading

Let me know if I missed a trigger.

This timeline is different than the original so I'll explain it

First the video "Your boyfriend asks for your trust" and then Knowing is Safe Chapter 1 is what's going through cuties mind that night/ video. Knowing is Safe chapter 2 is a couple weeks later. Then the video "Your Boyfriend final draws the Line" and about three months later Knowing is Safe chapter 3.

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It wasn't the first time.

And yet every week, every Saturday, when you saw him, in front of that building. always dressed semi-formally. A button-up tucked into some nice pants. With his lips downturned, not a full frown but it still pained you to see it.

When he sees you it changes. His face fills with love before quickly disappearing again.

You hold onto that second of love. You have to. It's why you're here.

It's why you started

Now it's for you

As you get closer to him, he backs away.

He's running away

He can't stand you

He's scared of you

You breathe, deep. You recognize your thoughts as anxiety. That's the first step.

You take a moment and watch as he grabs the door and holds it open for you.

A gentleman, he's always been

"You first."

You smile and then duck your head slightly. Not wanting him to see the pain in your eyes.

Geordi approaches the receptionist, he's always the one who checks in.

You still find it scary. To express to this almost stranger that you and Geordi need outside help.

You know he knows that, you never told him but, he knows you.

He loves you

Does he?

He does.

" They'll call us when they're ready."

He tells you before sitting a chair away.

I want him

Why won't he sit next to me?

You know why

It's your fault

It is

Your names are called, and you both follow the therapist down to the same room as always. Geordi makes small talk.

He's changed

He's more sociable

I'm glad

He seems to like it

Like clockwork you and Geordi sit on one couch, each at a different end

Too far

For you

He needs the space

He deserves the space

You deserve the space.

"Have you two decided if you're ready for the memory extraction? It is often very emotional, we discussed last session how it works and why we do it. It's always up to you."

"I'm ready."

You typically aren't this outspoken in theory, but you've been wanting this for a while, you recall how your therapist explained memory extraction as a way for them to help you understand your own memory. She explained that most people are blinded by their own memories because it's the only life they've lived so everything seems normal, even when it's not.

You never can quite understand your memories or yourself. You always preferred others, to the point it became an addiction. one that harms your thoughts, feelings, and memories. Along with harming Geordi. Someone you never want to hurt.

"Okay then, I'll get started."

Mom!!

Mom!!?

Please!

Please open the door.

You were knocking on your own house door. Crying from fear, shame, and confusion. All you did was go out with your friends, with her permission for a few hours.

That's not why she locked you out

What?

You blocked her, of course, she's mad

Remember what happened to Lanie?

Blocking was a trick your older sister Lanie taught you, to prevent other telepaths, such as your mother, from reading your mind. You'd done it before but never for this long. It was the first time your mother had no contact with you.

She's not going to let you in

She did last time

And the time before that

And all the other times

She's tired of it

But she threw us out

It's not our fault

Yes it is

We blocked her

We stopped her from reading our mind

Stopped her from protecting us

But I don't want her to continually be in my mind

I want privacy

I want to feel like I can

Think without being heard

Be Myself

You can

Not with her in here

She's your mom

But it hurts

What was that?

A twig

Snapping

A person?

Where?

I can't see

It's too dark

I'm scared

I want mom

“MOM! MOM SOMEONE IS OUT HERE. PLEASE LET ME IN. I'M SORRY I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.”

“THAT'S WHAT YOUR SISTER SAID AND WHERE IS SHE NOW?”

Your sister

She's safe

She taught us how to block mom

She did this

No, she helped us

She can help again

You stop knocking on the door and start walking away. waterfalls fell down your face as you walked Away from home, away from your mom. You walked the streets in the dark, with no phone, no flashlight, just the clothes on your back. Summer clothes.

It’s cold

I know

I wish we had a jacket

Is this the street?

Yes

You turn down the street, wishing you were wearing warmer, longer clothes. When you picked out this outfit you didn't think you'd end up out this late, in the cold.

People

Bad?

Its a group

Brown bags

Liquor?

Eyes down

Keep walking

What do I do if they approach?

I don't know

No weapon

Just our hands and feet

Keep walking

Speed up

Door

Inside

Sister

Safe

You open the door to the building your sister lives in quickly rushing to her apartment, even though no one was following you. You hoped you remembered correctly you'd only been here once before. Tears from earlier sprung back to life as you frantically knock on the door. Deja vu from minutes ago, days ago, and weeks ago floods your mind as you recall all the time you were at your house door, begging, crying, and screaming for your mother to open the door. Today was the worst of it, she'd never lock you out for this long, or this late, your knuckles were never this red and your voice was never this hurt.

When the door opened, you were so relieved you gasped for air, air you needed from the crying. Your sister's tired face was washed away when she saw you. Her arm instantly pulls you in for a hug. You cried harder, ashamed of how emotional you were in a public space.

People are trying to sleep

I don't care

Your sister whispers in your ear

“It's okay. I know, I've got you.”

She slowly walked backward, you still in her arms, following her. When the two of you cleared the doorway she quietly closed the door.

“She- she locked me out-”

Your sister didn't need you to tell her that, she'd been through this before.

“She- again-”

Your sister's head spun at that word and you could feel the heat her anger produced. Lanie had been kicked out once, it was a hot day and she ended up having a heat exhaustion, lucky your father arrived before she could have a heat stroke. Your father was a water elemental, he was able to hydrate your sister and cool her down. That week your father left your family. Later when your parents divorced, he lost custody of both of you. Though your sister, Lanie was 17 at the time and left as soon as she turned 18. Your mom doesn't know that she still lives in town, she told you it was because she didn't have the money to go further but, you know she's here for you. Though she didn't feel safe enough to contact you till last month. She hates that she didn't help you sooner.

“Come on baby, let- let's sit you down.”

She guides you to her couch and leaves to the kitchen, you can still see her as she fills a glass of water for you. You start to regulate your breathing, taking in the smell of your sister's apartment. It smells like brown sugar, she used to have a brown sugar candle she always lit in her room, and it's comforting to smell it again. Brings you back to talking and giggling in her room.

“Here. Drink up.”

“ Ok I think that's enough”

You shook your head and looked up, dazed at the sudden pull from your memories. You look at the therapist.

“What for?”

The therapist was taken aback by your question.

“Well, I figured it was a good stopping point, especially considering the content of this memory.”

You feel a hand squeeze yours, turning to see Geordi, closer than when you started. Till now you had forgotten your partner was even there. you become ashamed realizing he witnessed everything. he had seen how bad of a kid you were. You turned to him slowly.

“Are you ok?”

Confused, you didn't answer. His hands find one of yours, his hands are tight and shaking. Before he looks into your eyes.

“I'm sorry. “

You looked away, not having an answer. The therapist took this time to interrupt.

“This is the reason we do this, as Geordi and I see it, you were mistreated by your mother. She used her telepathic abilities to control and shame you. It also appears you saw this as normal or acceptable to an extent. Would you share why you felt that way?”

" She was protecting me, she just- she wanted- she told me she needed to know everything, to keep me safe, she kept me safe."

You feel Geordi squeeze your hand, but when you look over he's looking away from you.

"Your mother taught you that."

" Yes, it's how I've lived, I can't be safe if I don't know anything, I can't be clueless, I have to know everything, knowing is safe."

"Your mother brainwashed you into believing that you could only be safe if you were constantly using your ability. That's why there's such a disconnect between you and your own brain. You aren't used to spending time with your own thoughts. It's probably why you have so much anxiety when you're not in others' heads. I'd say it's why you became so dependent on Geordi and developed that separation anxiety."

The therapist took a quick look at the clock

"Our time is almost up. I think next time I should see you separately."

What?

I just got him back

He's touching me again

I can't let him leave again

Let him?

You don't control him

“Wait, why?”

“I think it would be best for you to talk about this alone.”

“I don't understand!”

“ We can do what you two prefer but often when one client has suffered abuse it is best to discuss it separately first before with your partner.”

“ Abused? I wasn't abused.”

The therapist took a breath and she almost seemed to expect this reaction. You frantically looked over at Geordi.

Does he think I was abused too?

You were

I was?

“I'm sorry we need to go - let's go home Geordi.”

“I understand. I'll call to discuss the next appointment.”

You made your way through the building and parking lot to your car, getting into the driver's seat. Geordi is a little behind. He opens the passenger door but doesn't get in.

“Are you sure you should drive? You seem a little on edge. I could drive you home.”

“ I need to drive, I can't not be in control.”

”Ok.”

That was all he could muster to say as he climbed into the passenger seat, even if his car is a few parking spots over and he doesn't live with you anymore.

When he is buckled you started the engine and leave the parking lot. You always play music when you drive, but right now I don't care. Your brain was swarming with so many thoughts. You couldn't even understand most of it, so you just drove. You could hear a few words from Geordi but didn't pay much mind to them.

When you pulled into the driveway you were pissed. You did everything aggressively, parking, turning the engine off, slamming the car door. Geordi stopped talking and started yelling. You were already in the house as he was getting out of the car. You left the door open pacing and waiting for Geordi to walk through the door. When he did he was still yelling, laced with worry and fear, little anger.

“Cutie what-”

“Do you think I was abused?”

You questioned him, your eyes swirled with so many intense emotions but your voice stayed even.

He shut up and stared, he started to stutter trying to answer but nothing came out. To you, that was answer enough. You moved to the couch, sitting down with your head in your hands. Geordi moves to close the door before sitting in front of you.

He gently moved your hands out of the way, looking into your eyes.

“I- I can't decide for you. How you should feel about your mom. But I know that the way she treated you and your sister was wrong. So -so wrong.”

“I'm wrong?”

“What? Baby no?”

“I did what she did. To you. I always - I'm always in your brain, listening. Like she did.”

Geordi takes a breath. You're right and he wants to hold you accountable but with your state right he wants to be careful.

“ It was wrong. But you stopped right?”

Your words come out fast and panicked

“Yes, I promise I haven't read yours, or anyone else's mind in- in a long time. I only use it for work. Work only”

Geordi knew of your new resistance to using your power but didn't realize that you were completely abstinent outside of work, which worried him. Quitting cold turkey doesn't sound like the best for you. He'll have to remember that for later.

“I believe you. But that's something your mother didn't do, she never learned, and she never tried to get better, like you are now. From what I saw, she used her powers to control you, you never did that to me. Tell me why you are always reading my thoughts and others.”

You took some time to breathe before answering.

“ To protect you.”

You were hesitant but want to be as honest as possible.

“And myself. People- they lie, all the time, and it's hard to trust them. I just wanted to know the truth. To be safe.”

“See your reasons are justifiable, you just took it too far. And I think, well I'm no therapist but, maybe your trust issues are what you should focus on first. Because it seems that's the root of your addiction.”

You nod and laugh.

“ You're better than a therapist.”

He laughs

He is so beautiful

I love him

I miss him

" I'm not sure I am. I mean you've really improved,y'know working with her. You can always talk to me."

"Thank you. it's easier to talk to you about how I feel, you're not professional, you're comfortable, even if it's just our hands-"

You pull your hands out of his. Just realizing that you were touching him.

"I'm sorry, I - I didn't cross a boundary did I?"

He looks deep into your eyes and takes your hands again.

"No, I did this, I wanted to touch you, to comfort you. I’ve "

He clears his throat

"I've missed it, a lot. Every session the urge to comfort you and touch you becomes stronger."

You smile.

"Me too. And thanks, for comforting me, even though you have every right not to."

"I still love you."

You look away, your eyes catching the brown sugar candle.

Geordi follows your eyes, realizing now why that scent was your favorite. He was slightly grateful to say this without looking you in the eyes. it felt like he was saying it for the first time, even though it used to be so common.

"I do, I Love you so much, it's why I'm still here, it's why I'm comforting you, it's why I left. I know for you, it's hard to feel or remember your love if it is not constantly in front of you. So I thought I'd remind you. I love you cutie. I'm proud of you. I've missed you."

He sees a few tears roll down your cheek. You nod. He counties.

"I've missed sharing a bed, a kitchen, a bathroom, I've missed sharing a home with you."

You whip your head back to face him.

"Geordi, you don't live here. I basically kidnapped you."

He laughs, your brain was previously occupied, you'd forgotten he didn't live here anymore. You start to panic again.

"Hey it's okay, I got in the car willingly, I chose to come with you. You're not a kidnapper."

His smile calms you.

'I'm sorry I wasn't thinking properly, I thought, y'know, that you lived here."

"Maybe I should?"

Your body fills with excitement. So does his.

Wait!

Don't.

You're not ready.

"I'm not ready."

Geordi's face falls a little but rises back.

" That's ok. I’m - I’m impressed."

"What? Why?"

" Because you clearly want it, but something told you that it wasn't time. And you listened"'

"I didn't think I'd be able to stay out of your thoughts...sorry. I do want to be with you again but, I can't hurt you again."

He pulls you into a hug. A soft whisper leaves his lips.

"Thank you, for protecting me"

He pulls away.

" You can protect me in other ways. And I can protect you. I will protect you."

#redacted asmr #redactedverse #fanfic #redacted angst #redacted cutie #redacted geordi #redacted fanfic #hurt/comort #redacted audio #therapy #tw: abuse #tw: trauma #healing #Knowing is Safe

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