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maddyb-rapps · 2 months

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One

The Farmers Son

I’ve always felt alone but I was never truly alone. I’ve always had people responsible for me, I was a burden and I still am now. My foster parents went as soon as the world ended and after I was no longer their burden I became the burden to a group on the outskirts of Atlanta.

master list

Ivy

I sat in front of Lori as she brushed through my oily hair. “Maybe you should just cut it out.” I groan as my head jerks every time the brush pulls at the knot. I would ask Carol for the practically magic detangler spray she had for Sophia but it would feel wrong to ask because half our group was about to leave to look for the poor girl.

“Quit being dramatic I’m almost done.” She chuckles as she works through the knot. She carefully french braids my hair with gently fingers. “It’s not my fault your so tender headed.”

Once she finished I thank her as we both stand. “Are you sure it’s fine that I stay.” I can’t help but feel guilty because even Carl is going.

“No honey, don’t worry about it Dale needs help looking over everything and T-Dog that cuts pretty bad. Go ahead and rest up in the RV we’ve all had a long night. Dale will get you when we leave.”

I nod and give her a tight lip smile as I make my way to the back of the RV.

Not long after the group leaves Dale comes to tell me everyone had left. I really do appreciate the extra time he gave me. Pulling my shoes back on and grabbing my chunky sunglasses I step outside the RV into the Georgia heat.

The first thing I see is T-Dog clutching is arm. “Hey T, you feeling any better.”

“What do you fucking think.” The usual nice man snaps.

“Oh, well nice to see you too sunshine.”

“Ignore him Ivy, that’s just the fever talking. Say why don’t you go and look around for a few things for yourself. Hopefully you’ll run across some meds while you’re at it. Just don’t wonder to far.” Dale tries to give me a smile but his face is consumed with worry as he looks at T.

“Yes, sir.” I waste no time going straight towards the many abandoned cars.

My first victim was a red suv. It was a gold mine. Well a gold mine to a teenage girl. I squeal as I grab the pink juicy couture backpack. There has to be something good in here.

Pulling it open the first thing I see is mp3 player and some headphones. “Hell yeah!” Besides some other personal things I find deodorant and an unopened chapstick. Thank you Jesus for what ever queen ditched her car.

I then move to the trunk and pull out the pink suit case. This just keeps getting better and better. Unzipping it I find a whole bunch of clothes that seem close enough to my size. Slamming it shut I decided that I’m keeping it all and who even wants to say something can pry it out of my cold dead hands.

I haul it back to the RV with a smile on my face. “I haven’t seen you smile like that even when I gave you that chocolate bar.” Dale says with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile.

“I found my pink jackpot Dale. I couldn’t be any happier.” I wheeze out hauling up into the RV.

I walk back out sitting beside Dale listening to T ramble. “Shouldn't they be back by now?”

Dale takes a long look at him. “It's still light. Let's not worry, just yet. How are you feelin'? T-dog? I asked you how you were feeling just now. Please don't blow that question off.”

“It really, really hurts. It's throbbing something awful.” Welp now I feel bad for wanting to kick him earlier.

Dale asked to see him arm but T flips out. “Ah, don't-don't touch it!” Ouch that looks really bad.

Dales face twist in even more worry. “Yeah, that would be-that would be stupid. I-I've been saying since yesterday, we gotta get you some antibiotics. We've been ransacking these cars the whole time. I can't believe that we have not found some ampicillin, or something in the-in the whole place. Ivy go see if you can find anything even Tylenol.”

“Ok, on it”

I found nothing after what felt like forever. I get back the same time as the others. But not all of them are there. Glen tell us about how some girl came and took Lori saying Carl was shot. Kids are dropping like flies in this camp and I’m lowkey starting to worry I’ll be next.

“We can’t just leave!” Carol cries out.

“Carol, the group is split. We're scattered and weak.” Dale tries to reason with her.

“What if she comes back and we're not here? It could happen.” As much as I would like that I don’t have much hope in that happening.

“If Sophia found her way back and we were gone, that would be awful.” Andrea says not helping.

Daryl looks at Carol then speaks. “Okay. We gotta plan for this. I say tomorrow morning is soon enough to pull up stakes. Give us a chance to rig a big sign, leave her some supplies. I'll hold here tonight, stay with the RV.”

“If the RV is stayin', I am too.” It’s like Dale and that RV are attached at the hip…if an RV had a hip.

The group continues to make a plan as I hang back it’s not like they’d listen to anything I had to say so I saw no reason to pay attention.

Thankfully Daryl’s weird ass brother had stds so T got some good meds. So I guess something good came out of today.

A/N

This is my first time actually fully trying writing a fic so mange your expectations lol. I’m trying to get better at writing so tips are appreciated. I really hope y’all like it. Also POOKIE IS NEXT CHAPTER YAYY!!! 😏😏😏

Series master list

#the walking dead #twd oc #twd fanfiction #the walking dead fanfiction #oc x oc #rick grimes #daryl dixon #twd the ones who live

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jasminexox5 · 1 year

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Jacob was the angel that everyone could rely on for anything. He was always helping out in the neighbourhood and in the church after service on sunday. One night he was scrolling through his twitter looking at the mass amount of puppy videos and then came across one video that wasn't related to dogs in any way. It was a sub getting whipped from his dom. Jacob tried to click off it as fast as he could but his fingers wouldn't let him. He sat there hypnotised by it, wanting the guy in the video to be him.

His sweats were getting tighter the longer he watched it and his cock started to leak pre cum. There was no hiding the bulge forming in his sweats. He was so embarrassed even though he was home alone in his apartment. The apples of his cheeks and the tip of his nose flushed in red. Immediately turning his phone off and throwing it on the couch next to him and sighing. He has never been like this in his life, he has never been this needy before he doesn't even know what to do.

Picking up his phone and stripping off his shirt while he walks to his bedroom to save his neighbours seeing anything more than they might have. Jacob put his phone on the bedside table before he hung his head in shame for letting the hormones get to him. He accidentally ran his hands down his sensitive chest making him shiver. He felt his cock twitch in his underwear crying out for someone to help him.

He played with the waistband of his sweats before he gave in and started to touch. The sweats slowly moved down his thighs exposing the bare muscle to the cold room letting them sit down at his ankles. Jacob never even knew how to touch himself the right way because he was keeping himself until he was married. He just tried the things other people had said felt good. He was clueless.

Taking his shaking hand and dragging it from his hips down to his growing bulge in his underwear that was barely keeping him hidden at this point. His palm ran across the underside of his cock making him moan for the first time. Pulling his hand away in shock of what he just did, he will never forgive himself for this. He knew this was a big sin but oh my did it feel good.

He wanted to feel that spark of pleasure again so he kept touching himself to the point he was tearing up for more. Wincing at the band of his boxers snapping against his hip bone from how clumsy his hands were. He never wanted to stop what he was doing, he was getting carried away with touching himself now. The tears started to flood his waterline from sheer embarrassment he hated that he was enjoying it too much. Jacob just wanted to get it over with.

That's when he remembered that Kevin gave him a number that he put into his phone to call anytime he was in the mess like he is now. Jacob froze what he was doing so he could search his phone for the contact but his body hated that he stopped, his hips and needy cock searching for his hand. The brightness of his phone screen hurt his eyes as it lit up his whole room. Frantically searching through his phone and the contacts to find your number that led to your company phone.

You were in the middle of folding your clothes when you heard your work phone going off next to you making you jump. The time on the phone showed you that your shift had started, it always starts earlier on a Friday night because your angels are always so needy on the weekends. You stopped what you were doing so you could answer the call in your honey voice that all you clients loved to listen to when you tell them what to do.

“Hello my love, welcome to The Angels Touch. How can I help?”

The boy on the other side of the line swallowed when he heard your voice, he was in shock that you picked up. He plucked up all the courage to speak to you but his voice came out timidly making your heart swell. Jacob was too shy to talk to you at first and you did your best to calm his nerves so you can both have the best time.

“Is there anything you want to be called??”

“P-prince and a-a-angel please”

Jacob leaned back on the headboard of his bed while you spoke to him pulling his boxers down so that his cock hit the bottom of his stomach. His moan gave it away that he was touching when you never gave him permission to. You picked up the faint sound of his moan through the phone line stopping in your tracks thinking he's a sweet angel. His breathing was messy and you never even started with him.

“Is my little prince touching when mommy never gave you permission?”

His heart dropped because he thought you were going to hang up on him when his cock hadn't even been played with. You just wanted to hear his pretty cries once again, he was the most pretty sounding client you have dealt with in a while. Telling him to start playing with his cock making him spit into his palm. The dirty sound of his saliva wetting his hard cock met his ears. Leaning his head back against the wooden headboard letting his hair fan over his face.

Jacobs pace was slow at first as he was getting used to the feeling of pleasure running through his veins. The feeling of his thick thighs clenching and his toes curling all from your instructions and dirty words dripping through his ears. His eyes closed tight with every word you spoke to him, your words are like liquid gold. He never wants you to stop what you are doing.

“Such a pretty prince”

“Doing so well for mommy”

“Mommys little angel”

Jacob was turning into your little slut and you were loving every moment of it. His body was starting to drip in sweat. His forehead, his top lip and every rim and crevice of his abs. The hair sticking to his forehead now and his tongue was hanging at the side of his mouth licking his bottom lip.

“Speed it up for mommy you are doing so well for me, making me so proud”

His bedroom was filled with the sounds of his leaking cock and his beautiful moans that were just for you. Every muscle in his arm flexes as he tightens his grip so that he can cum and make you proud. His hair was dripping in sweat at this point he was so far gone in the cloud of pleasure. His heels dug into the bed so he could fuck into his hand imagining it was your cunt.

You were on speaker on the pillow next to him encouraging him and praising him for the good job that he was doing. Even hearing his moans and heavy breathing was enough to make you happy. Jacob was using all the energy he had left in his body to fuck into his hand. Hearing the springs in the bed match up with his rhythm. It was messy but he couldn't care.

“Come for mommy angel you have made mommy so proud angel. Such a good prince”

His orgasm hit him like a tidal wave that he couldn't control because it was so strong. Letting out a silent scream as his whole body shook trying to deal with the new pleasure. Ropes of cum dripped from his hand down on his stomach. So thick and creamy. He took deep breaths trying to get used to breathing normally after that orgasm. Jacob couldn’t feel his legs for a while so he just had to lay on his bed in a vulnerable state with you praising him on the phone.

#k pop smut #hard hours #the boyz smut #tbz smut #jacob bae smut #jacob smut

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schumigrace · 5 months

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The Lighthouse

two months before my 18th birthday, my mother, auntie and uncle picked me up from college and sat me down in the back of the old renault my uncle had had since I was 6. my mother took my hand in hers, but the icy touch that I came to associate with her presence did little to soothe my shaking. I was sure someone had died, or was severely ill. she told me with a blank stare that her and my dad were getting a divorce.

I knew this, of course. not because anyone had told me, but because there hadn't been an inch of love in my childhood home since the day they came back from a weekend in London 3 years earlier. I still haven't asked what happened.

I asked to go home. she said don't be silly. my uncle called my dad a daft cunt and my auntie cried. I asked to go home.

my uncle started the engine, I took my hand away from my mother. he turned the car in the wrong direction so I opened the door and jumped. my auntie cried louder, I got the bus home.

it took one look at my dad for me to burst into tears, I'll never take for granted the warmth of his hug that night. he made tea and we sat on the sofa and he put on an old episode of doctor who. she came back and sat opposite us. we said nothing, she just stared. they slept in separate beds for what was probably the 300th night in a row.

my mother wanted the house, my dad said okay. we started looking for flats together, somewhere he could walk to work and we could keep the dogs. there wasn't anywhere.

the next week, I stopped listening to music. if I listened to music I wouldn't be able to hear every word they spat at eachother. I spent every second sat on the top step, staring at nothing. the frost had begun to settle on the walls and in the old wooden floorboards beneath me.

two days later I came home from school to a police van outside my house. I stood there for what felt like hours, wondering what would happen if I ran. if none of it would be real.

she had locked the front door when he tried to leave. took a kitchen knife to her own arm when he picked up his keys and called the police. the police believed her. I believed my long-faded bruises that throbbed at the site of dad leaving police custody the next day.

I stopped going to school after that.

I got on a plane on my 18th birthday without telling anybody. I flew to Reykjavik and walked for hours in the cold of winter. I told my life story to the mural of a bird on the side of Grotta Lighthouse. it still makes me laugh to this day that that lighthouse carries more of my burdens than my own parents.

then I flew home.

I didn't leave the house for longer than a few hours for the next two years. I drove 4-hour round trips to uni every week because leaving full time meant not knowing. I wasn't sure I'd be able to ever go back if I stayed away too long, but I couldn't risk another police van outside my childhood sanctuary.

mam didn't want the house anymore, too many memories she said. but she stayed. my dad slept with a door stop under his door every night, I slept on the kitchen floor with the dogs.

a young couple live in that house now. they had a baby yesterday, and have taken her home this evening. I hope they sleep without a door stop, in the comfort of a warm bed. I hope she sees her parent's intertwined hands and believes them. I hope that she doesn't flinch whenever her mother combs her hair. I hope she never feels the chill from the layer of frost that settled in the floorboards.

I was so angry that they stayed. they both stayed. they chose to live in that house of hatred and violence and bitterness. they stayed for me, they said. so that I wouldn't have to leave my childhood home.

#i got some lovely news from the couple that live in my old house today #it's made me think about a lot. so i wanted to write it down #it's not a very nice story #tw dv mention #tw abuse

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the-violet-void · 11 months

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y'know what, fuck it. time for some trauma dumping. big CW for child abuse, neglect, and self harm

I'm a victim of the terrible US adoption agency!

I was adopted at the age of three. I only have one memory of my time before being adopted, and it was a happy memory that admittedly has some really concerning connotations, but all I really have to go off was what people told me was reported to CPS and my biological mom denying all of it, so Idk I'll just leave this part of my past untouched for now. maybe it was a good idea to remove us, maybe it was total bullshit, either way there is no reason in hell I should have been given to the family I was given to

first of all, my two older siblings and I were promised that we wouldn't ever be separated, only for me to almost immediately be separated from them, and us put into two separate families in completely different cities

I don't know anything about how my siblings were raised, but they went back to our bio mom almost as soon as they each turned 18, so that doesn't bode well. also apparently their adoptive parents wouldn't let them see me more than like once or twice besides at the rare events where it was unavoidable, so yeah

onto the family I was adopted into

____

My adoptive dad has terrible anger issues. any little thing could set him off. like literally just stopping for a second, because whatever was on TV caught my eye while I was walking past while getting ready for school, was enough for him to yell at me. my mom would warn us when he was coming home from work that he was "in a bad mood" sometimes, which basically meant we better be on our absolute best behavior and not annoy him by telling him the joke I heard on TV earlier that day that I thought was really funny

frequently, he would hit me. his go to was slapping. mind you, not spanking (as bad as that is already). slapping. across the face. it got to a point where I developed a dread of getting out of bed in the morning, because the longer I hid on my top bunk, the longer I could stay away from him. I literally don't have a single memory of a school morning where I wasn't slapped around at some point. 9/10 I didn't even know why it was happening. he would never have a talk with me about why I was being punished, just kinda told me "you know what you did"

one day in like 5th or 6th grade I had enough and after he hit me, I hit him back and said "stop hitting me" and his response was to slap me the hardest he's ever done. I fell to my hands and knees, and after I got back up and walked away, my nose started gushing blood. he'll insist to this day that it was just that I was upset and it was cold outside (we were inside where it was reasonably comfortably warm) but I know for a fact that it was because he knocked something loose in there or something like that.

a girl at school noticed the clot in my nose and asked about it, and I told her what happened. she told an adult on my behalf (without me asking, btw). later that night my dad told me to explain to the principal the next day that it was "just spanking for discipline" and that he wasn't abusing me.

One day I was told to clean my adoptive brother and my shared bedroom, and I said "but that's his mess, why doesn't he have to clean it up? it's not fair" and he screamed at me, saying "you have ten seconds to get up there and get that room clean or I'm kicking your ass into next week, is that fair?" and, because I'm autistic and didn't realize it was a hypothetical, I said "no, it's not". he grabbed me by the collar, shoved my head in the nearby kitchen sink, and started blasting me in the face with the spray nozzle. he kept me down for what felt like forever, and I felt like I was drowning the entire time

when I got into high school, he stopped hitting me as often, but there was that one time my brother refused to clean up after his dog after it diarrhea-ed under my bed (for days on end, and I had to sleep right above it) and instead of making him or punishing him, my dad just told me to do it instead. I refused, and my dad shoved me against the closet door, knocking both it off its slider, and a lot of slats out, and then started pulling on my hair as hard as he could while pushing back on my body. I only got out because I managed to accidentally him in the face while I was flailing in pain and desperation, then ran to the bathroom and looked the door and hid until he calmed down. even after all of this I still had to clean it up myself

in adulthood, it doesn't happen a lot, but we get into fist fights sometimes. mostly now it's "just" verbal stuff, like making offhand comments about my weight (pretending he cares about my health when I call him out for it) for example. also even though the apartment we both lease (I hate this arrangement btw, but there's literally no other option for me rn) is equally under both our names, he insists that he is "king of the house" and that I'm "too autistic" to be in charge, when literally all I want is for us to treat each other as equals

btw I found out recently that in his mind, it's ok for a white person to say the N word (with a hard r and everything) as long as they weren't using it "against anyone" and that he wasn't "scared of a word". also he made a point to use the word as much as possible during that "discussion", with immaculate enunciation each time, far better than he was using for any other word of any sentence. I know this isn't abuse towards me, but I just want you to understand the kind of man I was given to. I will say though, I had asked him previously to try to help me de-escalate when our fights got too heated so they don't turn into fist fights anymore, and guess what he didn't do, and guess what happened

_____

on to my mom. as a kid she was my preferred parent. but that doesn't mean she was good.

she didn't slap me around, but she would spank me from time to time. this was rare, though there was the time she threatened to pull down my pants and slap me bare-ass naked in front of the entire store

her go to punishments was time-out, fair enough I guess, but she would leave me there way too long imo. honestly I think she would forget she put me there sometimes

there were plenty of times where she would tell me that we didn't have money for a seven dollar Bionicle set or a cheap Transformer or whatever, then add a new Coach purse to her collection a few days later

because of my autism, vegetables taste like poison to me. like, actual literal poison. I can't handle it at all. it makes me dry heave and everything. the bitterant on a Nintendo Switch cartridge is a sweet treat comparatively. I dreaded any time my mom made dinner because it would mean the potential of being given a seving of vegetables of some kind, and if that happened I was fucked, because she wouldn't let me get up until I finished them. she would do this in front of the extended family too, during holiday dinners, and berate me saying "look at all the other kids outside having fun, you could join them if you just eat your vegetables". there was one time I sat at the table until like 9 or 10 pm before she finally left me get up because I just couldn't bring myself to eat it. dinner was at like 5 or 6

when the whole bloody nose thing happened, she guilt tripped me by saying that if I ever told anyone about my dad's abuse again, that all us kids would be taken away, and (seemingly more important to her) that she would loose her job (she works with kids)

I only ever had friends over once in elementary school, for my birthday one year. unfortunately I spent most of that standing in a corner because I said a word that sounded vaguely like a cuss word or something I don't even know what it was about, but it was one of the most embarrassing days of my life. I finally build up the courage to invite friends over, and she does THIS!? yes of course I was made fun of for this at school

as I got older and started thinking for myself (and by that I mainly mean "coming out" as an athiest) she became a whole lot worse. she started finding any excuse to pick a fight with me, and would intentionally escalate me until my "anger issues" came out (in hindsight I know this was Ember coming out to try to defend me) just so she'd have an excuse to punish me by grounding me. she would especially target weekends where I had big plans with my girlfriend at the time.

Idk if this is abuse in some way, but one day I was watching a few episodes of The Addams Family with that girlfriend and I had my arm around her shoulder completely innocently and my mom sees us from the kitchen and pulls me in there and starts berating me for "sexualizing" my gf. I asked what the problem was, that I just had my hand on her shoulder like pretty much any couple does when they're watching something together and she was like "don't lie to me, I know where your hand was". note that this was all still well in earshot of the girlfriend. if I remember correctly we just kinda laughed it off and went back to watching our show

actually, that reminds me. she didn't want me and the girlfriend having sex, or showing physical affection of any kind really, because she didn't want any of the younger kids exposed to it. the sex part I totally get, but like kissing, hugging, and holding hands was too far as well. hell she would get antsy if we even sat on the same piece of furniture. wanna know how she would make sure we weren't having sex? she would send my younger brother to spy on us secretly and report to her if he ever caught us in the act. y'know, the younger brother she didn't want exposed to that sort of thing? to this day that gap in basic logic confounds me

there was this one time when I was just watching Netflix on my 3DS and my sister kinda stole the ability to watch Netflix from me on another device (my mom was only paying for one person to be able to use it at a time) so I let her watch an episode of her show before taking it back. my sister threw a fit over this, and my mom came in and got Ember and me so wound up that E threw a book (not even in anyones direction, and it landed harmlessly on the floor with nary a corner ruffled) and she called the police on me for it. her exact words to the dispatcher was "hello, I would like to press charges on my son..." I went into the kitchen and made her watch me self harm and told her straight up that she and my dad are the reason this happens. she looked at me dead in the eyes and said "I'm not the one holding the knife to your arm"

nowadays we have a sort of unspoken truce, though she refuses to accept that I'm trans or call me by my real name or use my pronouns because I'm autistic so according to her I don't know what I want from life (btw, remember when I said she worked with kids? it's in the mental health field, so by now that should terrify you)

______

they were both pretty neglectful. I mean I was fed, clothed (even though I didn't like any of the clothes) and never slept without a roof over my head, but they were emotionally neglectful (mainly I couldn't depend on them to help me when I was upset) and my ability to hold a conversation took a hit because they refused to show any interest in a conversation with me that lasted longer than like 30 seconds or whatever. to this day I still have it internalized that no one cares what I have to say and that I'm a nuisance to everyone around me. I also have a really hard time reaching out to people when I'm need help

I was the scapegoat of the family. any time one of the other kids did something wrong, and my parents weren't around to see it, I would be blamed immediately

when I started self harming in high school, instead of trying to help improve my life, or get to the bottom of why I was doing it, or anything like that, they punished me. I'm pretty sure I was grounded, and they definitely went through my room and took away anything metal, even if it wasn't even sharp at all

one day after moving out I was visiting my parents' house and I saw a notepad back and forth between my fellow adopted sibling and one of my parents, I don't know which one. it was something about them wanting him to do a chore and him not wanting to do it because he felt like shit that day or something. this went back and forth for a few pages until whichever parent it was said "we adopted you. you are our property. you will do what we say". so yeah mask off there, huh?

____

I spent most of my childhood hiding in my room playing video games. they became an escape, as well as a way to stay out of my parents' way

I have flashbacks to my dad's abuse frequently. sometimes I'll be so wrapped up in intrusive thoughts playing through my mom's arguments that I'll find myself responding to "her" verbally.

like I mentioned before I have a really hard time believing anyone cares about me

no joke I looked up a symptoms list of CPTSD like a month ago and I found I could tick off every single thing on the list that came up. I talked to my psychiatrist about it, hoping I could get a diagnosis (over time of course, I wasn't expecting it right away), but she kinda dismissed me and told me that I had to talk to a therapist about it, so yeah.

at this point literally all I want is a reasonably comfortable quiet life, maybe sharing a place with a partner or a few, and never having to look at or talk to my adoptive family again. I honestly don't know if I can start healing and bettering myself in any major ways until then

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corndoggod · 9 months

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Casual Fridays

I was late for work, racing over the Manhattan bridge headbanging to Alex G.’s new album, repeating tracks 2-4 for the big hill and descent into Dimes Square madness, and I felt like I had my old job back because I wasn’t doing my job and I didn’t care.

It was so hot (100+) that we slept in the living room under the AC and I felt like a pilgrim, huddled in a common room for comfort. Rather than a village there was just our small family. Connor, Celina, Chicken nestled onto a Nestle-colored couch. I got up first, as usual, to Chicken meowing for breakfast at a cool 6:30am.

It took us a while to get our stuff in order. My belly was still full from the night before, when we made four different pizzas using dough from Antonio’s. I was unsatiable after biking three loops around Central Park (37.5 miles at 15 mph = 2,000 cal.) in the hottest hours of the day. My legs felt wobbly and my head felt light. I was salty as the sea drinking Gatorade after Gatorade. I hadn’t had a beer since yesterday. And before that since Saturday. I was working my body too hard to poison it.

C. wanted to go on a morning ride with me, so we went up to Greenpoint for a cold brew from Crema BK I’d been hyping for months. I hadn’t been in years, but there was the same couple manning the little window stand. I got a 16 oz for just $4.25 and we walked our bikes to McGolrick and found a shady spot to sip and eat our croissant and blueberry lemon bundt cake. The sun’s latticed beams mirrored the sycamore bark. “You should make a t shirt like that,” I said. “I was just thinking that.”

Founded in the 1890s, McGolrick was our favorite park. Everyone was pregnant or with dog. We… we were with pastry, as was usually the case on morning rides. Next time I’ll get up earlier and we can ride to Shirley Chisholm for the sunrise. Or bring our note/books to McGolrick so we can scribble and read.

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love-sunshine-and-peanuts · 10 months

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Antonello Michele,

It's 11AM, an unusual time for us to speak. I can't recall an instance when we spoke at this hour because most days, you'll still be sleeping by this time.

Ironically, as I write this, I find out that you woke up early as opposed to your usual 3PM. I guess it's only fitting that I write this to you now.

Talking to you is so easy. I remember the first time I ever met you, you walked into the coffee shop, asking me if I was myself. We proceeded to engage in the most awkward conversation of what we were going to order. It seemed like the cashier couldn't point out what we were to each other.

We sat by the table outside, not even taking the chairs across each other. We started with small talk but we easily grew comfortable in deepening the conversation.

The moment you put the tray of coffee and cold, incredibly shitty sandwiches (we were both pretty upset wraps weren't available), I asked you "Why Snoopy?"

You checked your forearm, perhaps, making sure the ink was still there. You gave the shittiest response, telling me it was just your favorite as a kid.

What I couldn't tell you though was that I loved Snoopy as child too. I overcame it for some reason but it returned when I lost my dog, almost just a month before I first met you.

That day, no matter how much of a blur it feels right now, was clear as day. I didn't feel like I had to think nor did I have to care. I didn't feel like I was being judged, even for having legs too short to keep up with your quick walking pace. Even the ride home felt short despite the traffic because being with you was just so easy.

The next weeks, I got sick. You checked on me more than anyone else has. It was heartwarming. But in fear of you overstepping, the conversations faded into one-meme-a-day exchanges.

It changed when you visited the office again while I was there. You bought me a coffee as part of a silly little gamble you purposely made yourself lose while I was sick. I saw you for less than 5 minutes but the conversation we had about dogs after took at least 5 hours.

Everything was normal until the last time I saw you. You attended an office party despite being practically a banished former employee. You endured 5 hours of my drunk self, begging you for a McFlurry. In spite of my persistent attempt to get you to buy me something sweet, the moment you offered to buy coffee for me and two other friends, I boldly still asked for black coffee.

The night took a turn when our two friends left us alone and I couldn't find a cab. On top of that, I left some of my stuff in your car so you and I had to walk there together.

"I'll walk slower so your short legs can keep up," you smirked as we headed towards your car. A car arrived earlier than expected and sans long walking limbs, you urged me to just get my stuff from your car as you hailed the cab.

The night fell quiet when I stood in front of you to say goodbye. Suddenly, it was unnatural for me to part ways with a friend. Trying to stay true to how I bid goodbye, I lazily threw my arms around your torso, thanking you for the coffee and for waiting for me to get a ride home.

I didn't realize how awkward it was until you hesitantly wrapped your arms around me, trying to seem not too taken aback. It still showed though. As usual, my memory fails me as I barely remember our conversations from that night. I just know that you waited for me to get home and we had a night-long conversation about dogs following us in the bathroom to watch us take a dump.

That was the last time I saw you yet with our conversations taking forever almost every night, I feel like I still see you everyday.

That is, until today.

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love-and-leeches · 11 months

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Plague Diary

Since I’ve seen others post their Covid diaries, I thought I would post mine from last year (May 2022). My partner and I both caught it after mask mandates were dropped. Partner works in a factory, I work in a public library. After I started feeling weak while walking my dog, I had Mom pick up the pup and keep her until I felt better. I didn’t want my dog cooped up inside and pooping on the floor but I didn’t want to risk infecting others while walking her. My mom lived in a place with a backyard, so it was the perfect arrangement.

-5/14: D tests positive. I have scratchy throat mild headache. I test negative.

-5/15: Mild headache, no scratchy throat. I test negative. Later at night, throat seems a bit scratchy again, like it feels like it’s getting sore. Headache came back at night, but it’s probably the headache I get from staring at a screen. Nose is a little tickley. Stomach’s turning a bit. I think I’m developing symptoms.

-5/16: Stomach felt a bit funny. No headache but throat definitely doesn’t feel right. Not quite sore but definitely weird. Back felt sore when I woke up, like I slept wrong. Soreness wore off and now just feels like a knot in my right shoulder. Feeling very mildly weak. Negative test result. Will re-test tonight. While walking Peanut, legs started to feel weak. Mildly out of breath after walking peanut.

• Woke up from a nap at a quarter to 7(PM). Something like dizziness. Felt some kind of post-nasal drip at around 9:34 pm.

-5/17/22: Sore throat went away somewhat. Feels like I’m either having an allergic reaction or coming down with a cold, with my mildly stuffy nose. No nap. No post-nasal drip. Felt a bit like it was time for a nap earlier but because I was up to 4am, I stayed awake so I wouldn’t fuck up my sleep schedule. Got in close contact with D when I helped him lay a decorative mat under his computer stuff and also when he grabbed a plate out of my hand. No headache. Tested negative this morning. I’m trusting the tests less and less due to being mildly symptomatic, but if I haven’t gotten worse and am still testing negative by the time D goes back to work, then I may go back to work as well.

-5/18: Stuffy nose, throat feels weird again. Feels like allergies or being effected by the weather. Annoyance at how slowly I’m getting sick.

• Called in sick, slept. Full-on stuffy nose and sore throat. Legs feel weird. D pointed out that if I’m going to assume from here on out that any negative on an at home test is a false negative, then I should go to a testing site instead of wasting my time on false negatives. I conceded. He is taking me to a testing site. When I get home I’m taking DayQuil.

• Test scheduled for tomorrow, results in 48 hrs. Same day results site didn’t have an appointment available until the 23rd. Took some dayquil. Starting to feel fatigued. Accidentally told mom—didn’t want to tell her since I didn’t want her to worry.

•Around 8:40, possible beginning of a headache

5/19/22

D says he’s feeling much better today aside from congestion and body aches. Says body aches may be from sleeping on the floor

• I took an at home test and it came back positive for Covid. Sore throat, stuffy nose, stomach cramps, tired

5/20/22

Back feels stiff. Chest hurt so I used some Vicks. Now I feel a little warm. Testing positive yesterday feels fucking surreal honestly. Yesterday was weird because I tried taking a nap after I got home from being tested but I couldn’t fall asleep even though I felt tired

5/21/22

Nauseated and easily getting warm. I’m annoyed. It’s 7am and I want to be a blanket burrito dammit. Headache forming. Backache, joint ache. Will email my prof later and see if I can get some extra time for assignments cuz of this nonsense.

I WILL kick COVID’s ass. There’s a walking tour of Edinburgh’s medieval district with my name on it. I want to see peanut again. I need to outlive Donald Trump. (*Johnny cash voice* Spite, is a burning thing)

My state of ultimate perfection is blanket burrito. I am at one with the universe.

It’s now almost 6pm. I have no energy. I got hot and took off my shirt this morning. Just now after putting a shirt back on I took it off a few seconds later. I opened a window. D opened the other when I mentioned how stuffy it felt in here.

5/22/22

One in the morning. Joint pain in my elbow and knee. This shit sucks but I’m not as tired as I was earlier. I’m watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Netflix version) and noticed a couple nods to the original that made me happy. TCM (original) is one of my favorite movies. This is my second time watching Netflix’s TCM and just like the first time, I cussed at the movie when Sally died. She was the original version’s final girl and she deserved better.

It’s 7:20. A roughly 15 minute workout on RingCon Adventure (a fitness game) was all I could manage before I was out of breath. I was playing at my usual difficulty instead of taking D’s advice and lowering the difficulty. I thought that I was well enough to manage but I’m not. I’m exhausted and out of breath. It sucks. Fuck Covid.

I don’t remember the exact I returned to work but I was at home for about two weeks before testing negative. My work had only five days of Covid time available, so five days after developing symptoms I had to start calling in to work and using my regular sick time. Another coworker and I agreed that five days wasn’t enough.

After my partner tested positive, I let my coworkers know via a post in our private Facebook group, because I knew it was very likely I had it since we were living in a studio apartment at the time and was asymptomatic. I let them know again once I tested positive. Both times I let them know that if they had been around me in the week or so leading up to my partner testing positive, that they should keep track of how they might be feeling.

My partner had it worse than I did even though we both had it at the same time. He vomited, slept all day for the first few days he had it, ran hot and cold, and had such bad body aches that he said he felt like he was dying.

Neither of us have had Covid since. We are both vaccinated, we still wear masks, and avoid large crowds.

#Covid #coronavirus #covid 19 #plague diary #Covid diary

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shg-experiment · 1 year

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Day 1 of being a hot girl.

My phone was in the sitting room, charging, because there’s no plug on my side of the bed. So I woke up without an alarm- that seems hot. My boyfriend (who already thinks I’m hot and loves me an egregious amount just the way I am, is unaware of this experiment. It seemed counter-productive to tell him about it. I will just leave him as an unchanging variable and let him enjoy the benefits of this experiment without telling him what I’m doing.) had already gotten out of bed, so I woke up alone. Here’s the thing, I love sleep. I love going to bed- as early as I can help it- and sleeping as long as I need to. My happy place is between 8-9 hours (closer to 9). When he goes to bed with me, at an earlier time, he literally can’t stay asleep, and will get up before me- which is what happened today.

So I woke up without my phone. It was nice to not look at my phone right away- that honestly felt like something a hot girl would do. D came in and gave me a kiss and told me to keep resting. I kind of did: I laid in bed and thought about how a hot girl like myself would start her day. The possibilities flooded in. I could do some yoga, go on a run, stay in bed and feel my way around (if you catch my drift), read, have breakfast, take a shower… hmmm. Lots of deciding to do. Maybe this is why all those successful people write out their day the night before. Maybe I’ll implement that- later in the experiment, though. I ran through the possibilities and decided to do some yoga and have a green tea. Chic. (I should say that my legs were incredibly sore from going to the gym a few days prior, so the idea of moving any further than my bedroom felt a bit too ambitious first thing.)

I stumbled up, got the tea on, and spread out my mat. I have joined Yoga with Adriene’s 30 day challenge about 3 weeks late. And it took me three days between doing days four and five (like I said, my legs were unbearably sore) but I did it- and that’s what matters. I’m not trying to prove anything! I’m just being hot for me. The yoga was nice, and honestly I think it helped the soreness a bit. However my arms felt weak doing Adriene’s planks and such, but alas. One day at a time. After yoga, I realized that I was getting hungry. So I ate breakfast! Hot girls eat when they’re hungry- that’s a hill I will die on. I can tell you one thing- people who starve themselves do NOT feel hot (unless, I presume, they take a lot of drugs of some sort, which I don’t have the time, money, or stress levels to do.)

I had some oatmeal, and then I got dressed for running and errands. The sun was coming up and it felt a shame not to go to the park for a bit. The leggings I chose were loud and proud. I put on a tight sports bra and a quarter zip that showed off the goods. But then because it was cold I put on two more layers. How does one become a hot girl in the winter? It seems like a cold endeavor, if one is trying to show off all the time. But, I’m not, not really, and I knew I was hot underneath all of my coats, so that’s that. I also put on a cap and sunglasses. However, on my way walking to the shop I passed a man walking his dog and then took off my sunglasses. I felt kind of stupid wearing them because the sun was so low that I was just walking in the shade. Ah well, no matter, I still had my headphones in.

I was listening to a podcast that I’ve been enjoying recently. When I passed people on the street, instead of getting nervous that they might be looking at my butt in the afore mentioned loud leggings, I realized I didn’t really care that much. I wasn’t paying attention to other people, so why would they pay attention to me. Plus, I was focusing on enjoying my podcast and getting to where I was going. Plus, my butt is hot and so what if someone took a wee peek. It doesn’t do me any harm. There, I said it.

I went to a bargain shop and bought a mirror for the bathroom. We had one, but long story short it gold moldy?? Really gross. The frame was wooden and the room was too damp for it. So we’d removed it… but it’s hard to be a hot girl if you can’t do your make up or check your hair in the bathroom mirror! So I bought a small hanging mirror that was ALL metal- hopefully no mold will grow on there. I also popped next door to get some heat protectant for my hair because I decided I would try to Do My Hair now. (That is NOT something I do very much… like I said, it would take me out of my comfort zone.)

Would a hot girl get overwhelmed in the hairspray aisle of a Super Drug? Well, I’m not sure, but I did. There just seemed to be so many products that all did the same thing and yet were all slightly different. It was hard to pick what I wanted because I didn’t really know what I wanted. Perhaps hot girls go through a lot of trial and error. This might’ve been where I could watch an influencer’s video reviewing different products… but I can’t quite do that to myself yet. I didn’t watch any product reviews but the day before I had watched some blowout tutorials, and that’s why I wanted to get heat protectant.

After making my purchase with some money from my tip jar, I headed back home in the sun. I realized when I passed people, I would look at them and smile. I would find something about them that I appreciated, something that made THEM hot, too. Is that the hot girl in me? It’s hard to say at that point. But it was nice not to feel like I was trying to avoid being noticed, or apologize just for existing.

I dropped off my goods and then went to the park. Still enjoying my podcast, I did a bit of a walk/run shuffle. (Sore legs, like I said.) I wasn’t really going for speed or even distance. I was going just to go. Moving consistently feels like something a hot girl would do with her body, and getting out in the sun for a bit felt right today. (I might get more into this later, but I am NOT about tracking exercise, over-exercising or anything like that. Not in the year of our lord 2023, no thank you ma’am. I’m about finding ways to move that bring me joy and feel right in my body… and ANY amount of movement that I do is more than my depression slump, so I’ll take it!)

Hot girl shower was great, and I washed my hair (which I had been needing to do for a few days). I even put on lotion and perfume when I got out. I attempted to wax my underarms, though for the most part it was unsuccessful. The attempt left me with slightly sore, blue, sticky (and hairy) armpits. Ah well, you can’t win them all. I got off the residual wax with some coconut oil and moved on with my day… I never said hot girls are completely hairless! Not to be deterred, I towel dried my hair, did my makeup and then began the blowout. Following the instructions I’d researched the previous day, I used the round brush my mother had given me for Christmas a decade ago. The tutorials said that a thin round brush would be best for my length of hair, but I was just going to use what I had, dammit! And ya know what? It worked alright! I put the heat protectant and some mousse in my hair before I began slowly sectioning and blowing the hair. It was slow going, but I didn’t feel as uncoordinated as I’d expected. Perhaps the planks with Adrienne have been building up strength after all. I succeeded in creating a bit of volume with a very cute flip out at the end. Go me! (It only took me like 45 minutes… hopefully I speed up, otherwise this will be a very time consuming experiment. Though, to be fair I saw a video once stating that your hair looks good for like three days after a blowout, so hopefully that rings true for me.)

D came in just as I was about to change out of the boxers that I’d put on to do my hair and into my jeans for the day. I hid behind the door as he came in because I was embarrassed. TSK TSK! Shame! No hot girl should be embarrassed by her hotness! But, alas, I’m still new. I just knew that he would give me attention and adoration, and I couldn’t take that! Even behind the door, he said I looked very pretty and gave me a smooch on the cheek before heading out on a walk of his own. It’s hard to remember but I think I may have shouted at him to go outside…

So I should say- I’m an actor. Well, kind of. I have two degrees in performance, including a Master’s, and have performed in many different situations as a singer, actor, writer and improviser, but am not currently working in anything at the moment. I’ve heard the term recently: I’m an “auditioning actor”. I like that better than “struggling actor”, though both are kind of true. I’d also been working as a chef up until recently, but I quit that job because I really hated doing it and it made me think of offing myself by walking into traffic more than usual. In general, the cons seemed to outweigh the pros, so I left a couple of weeks ago. Since then I’ve been applying and interviewing for other jobs, that seem like they will make me LESS depressed, but haven’t found anything yet. (Though I have to be honest for a moment, I kind of worry that even working for a fancy tech startup as a customer connection specialist or whatever the hell I apply for these days, with the ability to work remote in my comfy apartment with all manner of warm drinks at my fingertips, will STILL make me depressed. I mean, I’ll still be logging on every day with no end in sight, trying to meet goals or match progress or *insert corporate lingo here* that I don’t care about at all… That’s why I’m working on being hot. Because that’s in my experience and it’s something else to focus on that I am in charge of. I don’t have to wait for a casting director or an agent or a corporate recruiter to tell me that I’m good enough. I can just do these silly little things to feel better about myself, and can feel hot no matter WHAT I’m doing… even if I’m looking at spreadsheets.)

But as an actor, I’ve not given up on the dream yet and part of my goal today was to film a self-tape and update casting photos on an extras casting database that I’m a part of. All of the not-so-glamorous parts of the acting profession. This was added incentive to look nice and have my hair and makeup in an acceptable state. I started with the photos because I just needed to stand still at various distances from the camera, in an array of clothing options, looking in different directions. Headshot from the front, side, other side, back. Full length from the front, side, back. Dressed in a ‘smart’ out fit. Cocktail dress. Posh outfit, fit for the races. (I really guessed on this one because I’ve never been to any sort of races besides high school track meets, but I think they were more going for horse racing.) I even took a swimsuit shot today. For the year I’ve been a part of this casting database, I never had the courage to upload one of those, mostly because I didn’t want to have to take the photo. But in the last few months I got a new ring light that seems to be pretty flattering, and make taking self-tapes easier. I’ve also become a lot more body neutral. And ya know what? I thought I looked alright! Also, being unemployed made me feel a bit more desperate to get more extra work, and I figured the more photos they had they more chance I had of getting called for a job. Wishful thinking? Maybe.

I’ve been an extra on two different professional sets now, and I have to say- it’s really fun! I did two days on a TV set for a Netflix show, and I did one day on an indie film set. It also pays really well compared to most other performance jobs that I’ve had. It’s quite fun, because there’s just so much to look at, and watch. With all sorts of things going on, I find it really interesting. I even got to see a famous actress working who I really admire- that was pretty cool. Also, there’s people whose job it is to tell you exactly what you need to. I like the feeling of certainty that I’m in the right place, doing the right thing. It’s kind of like school, I guess. There’s clear outcomes for me, and I’m doing what I’m told. There aren’t that many situations like that in adulthood, I’ve found. Even if they say- okay, wait here for 2 hours before the next shot- I know where I’m supposed to be, and I’m getting paid. None of the projects that I’ve worked on have been released yet, so I’m not sure if I’ll be disappointed by the finished product. I’m trying to prepare myself to be a tiny blurred blob in the background, so hopefully I won’t be too disappointed.

After I uploaded the photos and updated my measurements on the website, I decided it was time for lunch! (Hot girls eat when they’re hungry!) I got to say hi to D after his walk, and he kept kissing me and telling me how pretty I looked. I made some eggs with veggies and it was seasoned really nicely. (I wasn’t lying about being a chef!) I’m finding that since quitting my job in the kitchen, I’m beginning to enjoy cooking again. It’s something that D and I would do together when we first started dating, but hadn’t been doing as much since I started working as a chef. Hopefully we can do more of that soon.

D works from home, as a software engineer, and he was having a lunch break as well, and then hopped back on to his computer while I washed up. I had a few job applications on my list that I’d wanted to apply for. It’s odd, but before I began this experiment, I would always feel such a block when trying to apply for new jobs. I would always feel insecure about my background, and how I was trying to spin my experience to fit the role. I’m quite an overthinker, and it would always seem to take me a long time. But for some reason, with my new momentum, I was able to apply for two whole jobs after lunch. One was for a recruitment position, and the other was for social media/content/marketing. The content one also asked me to submit a video with the application. I’d been thinking about it for a couple of days, and wasn’t sure which direction to go in. I’d had an idea that I had started the other day, but wasn’t sure about it. It seemed like a lot of work and the amount of work seemed impossible. But today? I just ran with my idea! I wasn’t overthinking it. I just did some googling, some screenshotting, and made the video! There was a bit of a hiccup because I wanted to use the video as a green screen, but when I did that the audio got all messed up. I’m not a very tech savvy person, but I found a compromise that implemented my idea, but didn’t mess the audio too bad.

I noticed my hair started looking less like a supermodel blowout and more like a collection of straw on which to place eggs. The volume was there, but the texture was pretty harsh… ah well, maybe I need to put more heat protectant on next time. I’ll keep trying different things.

Ultimately, I was just proud of my attempt to Do my hair. I was also proud that I’d managed to upload new photos for casting (something that is hard to do when you feel bad about yourself). I was also proud that I’d managed to submit for TWO corporate-type-jobs!

After dinner, I had a meeting with someone I’m going to be working with. In my unemployed state, I’ve been looking for any jobs that might give me more experience to flush out my LinkedIn. (Ick. I hate linkedin, but more on that later.) Out of the blue, one of my friends who is an assistant camp director who I’ve worked with off and on reached out because she was looking for someone to help plan online events for a network of people with special needs. I’d helped for a one-off Christmas event with the group last year, that I really enjoyed. I was really excited to be offered this position, and even though it’s super-super part-time, I figured could also be another line on the CV. So my meeting was with the coordinator of the events. It felt good to have sent off these applications, and then log on to another meeting. (Who knows, maybe the busy work of corporate life would suit me. Now that I’m hot, it all feels like a game anyway- but maybe it’s starting to feel like a game that I’m winning, instead of constantly staying behind.) The meeting also gave me some action points to get going with for the rest of the week. So, something to work on in the midst of my job search.

Overall, the day was quite good. I mean, I’ll have to adjust my schedule as needed, but it was nice to spend some time for myself this morning (yoga, go to the park, get ready) and then also to have things to get done and work on. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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lifewithoutmeds · 1 year

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January 21, 2023

hellooooo tumblr.

things are going ok. spent most of the day with lorena, and it was great! last tuesday i got word that there was a dog at the burbank shelter that they thought would benefit from fostering, so after work i went with lorena, and picked up Kiwi, a 5-year old siberian husky, from the burbank animal shelter.

so far she’s been pretty great. she snapped at me once when i got near her food/bed, she lunges at small dogs, and had one pee accident, but other than that, she’s been great. it’s been kinda nice having another presence in the condo, and also nice to think that this is a better environment for her than the shelter, so it’s been good. lorena also is great with kiwi and loves having her around and is doing more than her share of taking her out, and training her.

quick recap of the last week or so.

last weekend: mirna’s baby’s bday BCD tofu house with anjali pho and kimchi pancakes with lana and friends scandinavian exhibit at LACMA and lunch with rhiannon

it was a solid weekend and i was exhausted afterward, and i think i either napped for a few hours or slept that night for like 12 hours, but i recall thinking i must’ve been rather exhausted from the weekend.

it felt nice i guess to change up the scenery and see new/different parts of town and new/different people.

tuesday - thursday i worked, and wednesday i came home a bit earlier to WFH because i was anxious about kiwi being home alone without supervision (lorena had been watching her/walking her but went to her aunt’s house at 1) and so instead of getting off at 5ish, i got off at 3ish so i could be around/observe her.

since then i’ve gotten a doggy cam and have observed that she mostly just lies around or chews her rawhide/bone when she’s not out and about on her walks with us.

wednesday i also got randomly and suddenly sick, though with what it’s still hard to tell. it felt like a suddenly onset cold, but taking allertec has made most if not all of the symptoms subside, so it could just be a random case of severe allergies (hopefully not to kiwi).

this weekend has been pretty great.

friday i had a doctor’s appointment in the morning, and then i got an oil change, then came home and checked up on lorena and kiwi, then went out again at lunch to ozawa with lana and jenny unni for lana’s promotion celebration. afterward i drove jenny unni back to koreatown and then stopped by pac city bank to sign my new CD account thing, then stopped at the local korean bakery for snacks before heading back. was able to hang out with kiwi and lorena for a bit before she headed out to work.

saturday (today) has been good so far. took kiwi out on a 50 minute hike in the morning while lorena slept, then came back, read a bit, napped, and then we had breakfast together and decided to try kiwi out at the atwater flea market, but upon seeing her overstimulated and lunging at small dogs and realizing that there were too many small dogs at the market for us to reasonably deal with, just took her on a walk around the neighborhood before heading back. i dropped lorena off at the mall so she could buy some work basics from Zara and i came back home and made some coffee, then picked her up and introduced her to King Taco, where we had tacos and sopes. she expressed a few times how much she was enjoying the day and we joked that as her friend, i’d love for her to skip out on work and hang out all day, but that as her financial advisor, i must advise her to keep working. she’s currently taking a nap while kiwi is tearing up her bone, and i feel fairly calm and at peace. it’s been a good day.

it kind of makes me wonder though. i’m not in a relationship, but i wonder if this is all i want. occasional companionship, a person to walk the dog with, a person to go to the flea market with, a person to bring a pastry home to. am i settling? or do i just get comfortable when there’s no chase? i don’t feel as if i’m playing second fiddle, in fact i know i’m not first, and i probably only hung out with her today because i saw via ig stories that reyna is at disneyland with her mom, but that doesn’t make me feel less than, or secondary, if anything, it makes me feel almost ... comforted knowing how little i need. i feel less anxious, less needy, less attached. i’m ok with this, and i’m ok with that.

today was a good day. i was out with a good friend, had good walks with a good dog, ate some good food, and even had time to read and journal. i could see how some might think this was boring, but it was one of those “nothing days” that i’ve grown to appreciate, because i know that these are days that might be easy to forget, but nice to remember.

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scandiengbergs3 · 2 years

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Catching up!

So, whew!, I have chance to sit down this sunny Helsinki morning to catch up on a few days that I haven’t given much detail on!

On Thursday afternoon, we boarded the Silja Symphony ferry from Stockholm harbor for the overnight crossing to Helsinki. But, let’s backtrack even a bit more . . .

Earlier Thursday, the kids and I arrived to Stockholm after a four-hour drive from Jönköping, where had stayed in the Sandic Elmia for one night (Scandic is a big Scandinavian hotel chain). We really got no feel for Jönköping at all, which was a shame, but given our condition and how dog tired I was from all of the activity and solo-parent traveling, I was ready to just get on the road Thursday morning and get back to Eric ASAP. We were in Jönköping long enough to notice that there was a huge stadium adjacent to our hotel with “Husqvarna” labeled across the side, and by doing some internetting, I realized that one side of Jönköping is a municipality called Husqvarna and that is, indeed, where the Husqvarna company is from -- thus, their sponsorship of the stadium! Our first lawnmower as a married couple was a Husqvarna push mower that my mom got Eric when we lived on Summer Avenue.

Anyway, perhaps it could be called sight-seeing that we did drive along a scenic road alongside Lake Vättern for about 30km, and wow, that lake is gorgeous and the landscape alongside was the quintessence of gorgeous, Swedish, lakeside farm life! We stopped for a moment in Gränna so I could run into the ICA grocery store and get the kids something to eat, since we did not eat at the hotel. Gränna seemed to be as sweet as can be! I would’ve loved to have walked the little village’s streets.

On our drive, I listed to part of a Smartless podcast (I am not a big podcast listener, though the kids are; the Smartless one always makes me laugh). We rolled up to the Stockholm Airbnb at about 12:15 and we had until 2 p.m. to just have some downtime. We needed to leave for the ferry car queue at 2 p.m., just to give us plenty of time. It was nice to have a bit of a breather at the Airbnb. That place was soooo lovely; I would totally stay there again. The kids spent the hour running around outside, looking for Zorro, the cat.

We got to the ferry queue with no event at all, and were among the first in the car line. Last time we boarded a ferry like this, with Alia when we travelled from Helsinki to Tallinn, we were farther back in the line because we were not hip to the situation of getting a car on a ferry. That ended up totally fine, but we wanted to be less stressed this time. Even though we were int he front, we still didn’t get on among the first cars, and we were waiting for so long. For lie an hour! There were a bunch of commercial semis and RVs and other vehicle. Finally, it was our turn, and we got the car on without event.

We walked around the Silja Symphony for a while, primarily on the decks outside -- it was such a gorgeous afternoon and so warm! That was lucky, because on the other ferries I’ve been on, it has actually been quite cold to be out on the deck! It worked out perfectly because with our kids being ill, we felt best, obviously, with them outside, and they could still “get their wiggles out” by running along all of the decks around the huge ship, on a variety of levels.

We all slept so soundly and well as the ship’s journey was smooth, the cabins were quiet, we were all exhausted, and the low hum and sway of the boat made a great environment for being lulled to sleep.

We disembarked at 10:30 a.m. in Helsinki. Getting our car from the car deck was a little nerve racking because there was some disagreement among adult about which deck the car was on ;) We found it, and off we went! Into the Helsinki morning sunshine! I, unfortunately, have precious few funny stories about characters we met on the boat, since we didn’t mix and mingle much, but we did encounter a London-living Finn, who was clearly quite drunk and haggard, asking us for a cigarette; I nevertheless seized the opportunity to say a few things to him in Finnish, which Cece and I have been learning. We also exchanged a few words on the upper deck of the boat with a couple, comprised of a Finnish woman and a Singaporean father, and their 7-year-old son who had not been back to Finland from Singapore for three years to visit family. They were very nice. And that is about that for our ferry journey!

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captains-simp · 3 years

Note

Hi bestieeee, congratulations on 1K!!! I have a request for you!! Mommy!Nat or Dark!Nat blackmailing R into sex or else R would be fired?? Thank you

I wonder who this request is from?🤔

2.8k words

Warnings: dub-con (bordering on non-con), coercion, blackmail, unhealthy power dynamic, oral sex (giving), praise, strap on sex and cum filled strap on

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You knew Natasha was coming before you saw her; before you even heard the chilling sound of her heels against the polished floors of the 46th level. You knew because you saw it in your coworkers eyes. You saw the way they cowered behind their desks and averted their eyes or made a swift exit from the area entirely. You knew because that was just how it worked at Romanoff Industries.

You were lucky enough to have your own office. Well, that should have made you lucky in avoiding Natasha's piercing gaze but it did not. Most of the time she stalked down the area outside your office she came straight to you and even if it wasn't her destination she would be sure to look in as she went by.

That was one of your less fortunate days, she was coming to see you and it wasn't to deliver a compliment about your hard work. Your boss let herself into your office without knocking and strolled over to your desk, her hips swaying in the mesmerising way they always did in those incredibly tight skirts.

"What happened to that report that was meant to be sent to me hours ago?" She demanded as she stood in front of your desk.

"Apparently someone picked up on some faults of the latest design so we can't do anything right now." You tried to explain but Natasha never did like excuses. "I don't know when it will be fixed." You continued.

"And you didn't think to tell me this?" Natasha glared.

"I thought someone would have told you." You were right, a lot of someone's had told the redhead, but apparently she needed to hear it from you too. "It's not my job to." You couldn't help but add. You knew Natasha hated when people pointed out things she didn't want to hear, more so when they did so confidently. You were one of the few who managed it, maybe that was why Natasha seemed to have it out for you. It was just a compulsion to you, to one up your boss. Even if it rarely succeeded.

You had always had mixed feelings about Natasha. Sometimes you thought when she went home at night she venturer into some cave that led to the pits of hell where she returned to her rightful throne. Other times that tough and stubborn show she put on was nothing short of admirable. There was no doubt it was what got her her success and therefore gave you a job. It was just hard to deal with when it was aimed at you individually, or what you could argue felt like personally.

"Don't give me that." She snapped. You were aware of all the eyes of your coworkers looking in on the pair of you and hanging on every word that was exchanged.

"You know full fucking well if something you're doing is going to be delayed you tell me." She was leaning both hands on your desk and leaning over to get closer to you. With such a short distance between you you had no choice but to stare back into her forest green eyes, like hell you were going to look away and back down.

"You can write that fucking report anyway. I want it on my desk today." Today? There was no way you could get that done in office hours, you would have to be working long past when you were meant to usually go home. "And when the design has been fixed you can write another one on it." She was testing you, willing you to say something you would regret. You weren't going to fall into her trap.

"Okay." You said, holding her gaze.

She didn't say anything else. Natasha stood there for another few seconds to watch you, waiting for something, anything. Then she stood back up straight and headed towards the door that she slammed closed behind her and marched back to her own luxury office.

That could have been an email.

It was approaching midnight when you finished the report. You were about to email it to Natasha when you remembered she wanted it in paper form so you begrudgingly sent it off to the printer.

It was a waste of paper you thought as you trudged over to the elevator that quickly arrived as there was no one else in the building. You figured Natasha just wanted to be that extra bit difficult. Well, you knew that was what she was trying to do.

You had worked with Natasha for longer than most, you knew her. Or rather, you knew the front she painted. You knew what annoyed her, what she wanted, what she thought of certain people and you could predict how she would conduct business down to the exact price tag of a product. But you didn't know her personally, sometimes you wondered if there was anyone who did.

You knocked on your bosses door and waited until she called for you to come in. You planned to simply walk in, put the paper on her desk and walk out to go home but once you were several steps past the door Natasha called for you to close it.

She didn't look up at you as you trudged across the ridiculously big office and put the papers down. It was only when you turned around that she spoke again.

"Stay." Was all said. You bite back a comment about not being a dog.

You turned back around and expected some speech and your attitude earlier but continued making notes on a design plan like you weren't even in the room. A few minutes of you fidgeting on your feet and looking around the office for anything interesting, Natasha picked up your report and leaned back in her chair to read it. She showed no signs that you had done a good or bad job with the report.

Finally, she put the paper down on her desk and went back to the plans. "Close the door behind you." Was all she said. You clenched your jaw and rolled your eyes once turned around to finally leave and go home.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, y/n."

Turns out it wasn't as simple as writing two reports. Design after design failed. First there was a slight issue with the batteries, then the shape, then it somehow became a liability. You mentioned all these faults in your reports, as you legally had to, but it became tedious very quickly. You always hated paperwork. It was meant to be such a small part of your job. You could only hope the sudden increase was temporary, especially as it wasn't exactly one of your strengths.

You continued to work over time and met Natasha late at night, always having to wait until she finished reading till you could leave. You thought you had to be doing at least a good job with them for your boss to never say anything, because she was always ready to point out small errors. That was until one particular night.

"These reports are getting worse." Natasha scolded. The comment made your blood boil. They were certainly not getting worse, maybe the designs were but you knew it was no fault of yours.

"The designs don't work." You fired back and crossed your arms. You had been worked tirelessly on those reports and they only stated the facts.

"Do you even care about your job, y/n?" Natasha asked seriously, angering you more.

"I've sacrificed more than I ever thought I could for a job for this company."

"You're on thin fucking ice, l/n. With the way things are going I'd be in a right mind to fire you." ...what the fuck?!

"What?" It came out as more of a whisper. After everything that you had done for the company and the years you had spent there, Natasha wouldn't really fire you, would she?

"Unless you're willing to make up for it all." She said seriously with something unmistakably dark in her tone.

"I don't more extra hours than anyone here." You said, not knowing what else she could mean.

"Not more than me, something takes quite the toll. I can hardly fit the time in to distress anymore. That's where you come in." Natasha explained as she stood up from her chair and sauntered around to the other side of the desk, the sound of her heels clicking echoing around the room.

There was a long moment of silence when Natasha left barely any space between you. You searched her eyes for any hint of what she was referring to but inevitably found nothing. Until she suddenly pushed you down onto your knees in front of her.

"Show me what other skills you have and maybe I'll consider letting you stay." She smirked down at you and ran the back of her hand across your cheek before cupping your jaw. "Entirely your call."

"Natasha this is crazy." You tried to reason but it was hard to ignore the faint throbbing you felt from being on your knees for her. "I could tell someone." For the first time ever, you heard her laugh. She threw her head back in a mocking laugh that soon turned into taunting chuckles.

"Y/n, who would believe you over me? You can be my guest and try but you'll never have another job in this city again, maybe further if I feel like it." She shrugged. You gulped and felt your breathing shake. Fuck.

Natasha, apparently impatient, hiked up her skirt and leant back against her desk to look at you expectantly. Your mouth suddenly went dry when you caught sight of her bare pussy, having not had any underwear on. You wondered if she often sat around like that. If she sauntered around the building and into your office where you could easily let your fingers wander up her skirt. Did she always leave them off for you?

"If you want to keep your job I suggest you get to work." She spoke. You tentatively moved forward and gripped onto her thighs for support, still looking up at her for any signs of a tell.

She was positively soaked. You could see her clenching in anticipation, the sight and musky smell entirely inviting. So you licked a long strip of the redhead's folds and moaned at the sweet taste of her. Sweetness was hardly what you expected given the tough and cold exterior of your boss, you hadn't expected it to be so instantly addictive either.

You pushed your tongue further inside the redhead who gave a breathy moan in response. At that, your mind was made. You sucked harshly on Natasha's clit and felt it pulse rapidly between your lips before returning your tongue to where she needed it most.

"Look at how much you're enjoying this." Natasha smirked as she looked down at the beyond contented glint in your eyes. "So good at pleasing you like mommy."

You worked your tongue tirelessly inside her, spurred on by the blissful sounds that fell from the redhead's mouth with every flick and curl of your muscle. You were lost in the incomparable taste of her and hoped it would be something that lingered on your tongue for a while. You were in awe of the way her mouth hung open in a silent scream as her eyes clenched shut every time your tongue brushed against some beautiful nerve ending. The sounds she made when you did so rivalled the faux sweetness of a siren's song. You knew the dangers of being lulled too far but you wanted to explore it entirely, convinced there was some hidden beauty that no one else could see.

"Fuck, so good." Your grip on Natasha's thigh tightened when her hold on the back of your neck did. She started to buck her hips against your mouth and her breathing patterns became more irregular. Your boss seemed lost in the pleasure she was experiencing from you as her eyes shut firmly and her movements became more erratic. But even then she held onto her power over you.

"I want you to swallow every last fucking drop." She ordered and gasped when your nose bumped against her clit. You picked up the pace of your tongue, making sure to swipe it against all the spots you had learnt made her shudder.

Her nails were practically digging into your neck when she reached her high. Her breath got caught in her throat before she gave the most animalistic moan you had ever heard. She furiously bucked her hips against your face as she rode out her high and relished in every wave of pleasure.

She recovered impressively quickly and was still raring to go, apparently having more plans for the night. She smiled down at you with a glint of the devil in her eye as she stood back and turned around to retrieve something from her desk, telling you to sit on her chair.

You were anticipating Natasha to return the favour, especially given how much she clearly enjoyed what you had to offer. Instead, she slipped a harness through your legs and pulled it up to your waist where she fastened it to sit securely. It was only when she moved away that you saw the size of the red toy, standing proudly and daringly. You wouldn't be surprised if your boss couldn't make it fit, yet again about to see that you really didn't know her. She was unpredictable and nothing short of it.

Natasha straddled your legs until her knees hit the backrest of her chair and her cunt was lined up with the toy. You went to hold her waist to guide her but your boss grabbed your wrists harshly and pinned them to the chair either side of you with a warning look.

She lowered herself onto the toy and groaned when the head of the toy alone started to stretch her. She kept her strong grip on your wrists as she looked more of the strap and you could only watch on in awe as the fake cock disappeared inside her.

Natasha moaned loudly and paused half way to adjust herself and breathe heavily before slamming herself down on the rest of the toy. "God." She grunted. "Mommy feels so full."

"Let me help you mommy." You tried but she shook her head.

"You don't get to touch right now." Was all she said before she lifted herself partly off the toy and slammed back down drawing another beautiful moan.

Your boss continued this for a while until she found herself in a rhythm that pleasured her deeply. You could see her juices smeering the toy everytime she withdrew and the sight alone made you groan, you already wanted to taste her again.

She rode you with vigor as her pace increased as did her grip on you. Profanities spilled from her mouth like a song that you wanted to join in with but you were too fixated on the sight infront of you. Natasha's bra clearly wasn't all that supportive because her breasts bounced with each thrust downwards and you wished more than anything that you could reach out and take her top and bra off to cup them, even tweak her nipples between your fingers to see her squeal.

"Gonna cum- fuck! Mommy's gonna cum on your cock and you're going to fill me up more." She said between moans and gasps. You didn't really understand what she meant by fill her up more but you weren't going to object, not when you wanted to see her cum again so badly.

She suddenly let your right hand go and grabbed on to the back of the harness. You were confused until you felt something click and Natasha was moaning louder than she had all night. "Your cum feels so good in me." She all but screamed before jerking her hips wildly and cumming around the toy.

She fell forwards slightly and grinded against the toy to ride out her high desperately. You gripped her hips with your free hand and moaned when you saw some of the cum leaking out of Natasha's pussy.

With a groan, you pulled your other hand out of the redhead's grasp and lifted her up and down onto her desk where she looked up at you with blissful eyes. "Don't go thinking you have any control." Natasha sneered but gasped when you withdrew the strap and snapped your hips forwards again.

"We'll see."

#natasha romanoff imagines #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff smut #natasha romanoff #dark!marvel #dark!natasha romanoff

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k-evans-reads · 2 years

Text

On Deck

Chapter 6

Summary: Although they grew up in the same small town, Chris and Sam had both gone their separate ways a long time ago. Chris moved up to become a MLB star, one of the best in the business, while Sam stayed stuck in the same small town. But when multiple injuries ended the Red Sox prodigy’s career, he winds up back in the same small town he swore he’d never be back to. The past may not stay in the past any longer, as old wounds begin to creep back up.

Pairing: MLB!Chris Evans X OFC Samantha “Sam” Merrick

Word Count: 3,980

By: @k-evans-writes and @ourfinest-hour

We do NOT give permission for our works to be reuploaded, translated, or reposted on any other site. Our work is our own.

Warnings: None.

Previous | Main Masterlist | On Deck Masterlist

Sam pushed through the kitchen doors, hanging her bag on the hook as she sighed deeply. It’d been four days since Chris had been at Sam’s apartment, four regret-filled, anxiety-inducing days. She knew that she was overthinking all of it. Sam had barely seen Chris since then and what little interactions they shared had been awkward, things having seemingly shifted dramatically in the wake of that night, causing Sam to keep beating herself up for it happening at all.

She kept trying to say it was just a random thing that happened, even though she knew it wasn’t true. But she just knew she couldn’t cross that line again. She couldn’t risk how it would affect his relationship with Riley, especially when she knew it wouldn’t mean anything. Chris would end up leaving town and going back to his life and she’d still be here, serving shitty food to the same people. So why possibly damage Riley’s view of Chris or make things weird? She knew it was a mistake and decided to just put it out of her mind but it was hard when the first thing she was greeted with was his name.

Ify’s voice broke through Sam’s thoughts as she placed her name tag on her black shirt. “Chris was here this morning,” her friend said, from where she was wiping off the prep table.

“And?” She asked, a bit cold, “A lot of people eat here.”

“But not a lot who are into you the way he is,” Ify raised her eyebrows, leaning her hip against the table and looking at her best friend.

Sam rolled her eyes, passing Ify to clock into the system. “He’s not into me,” she muttered.

“You guys made out. I think he’s into you.”

“I think it’s more like he doesn’t have a lot of options in this town,” Sam said what she knew to be the truth.

“Well he certainly was disappointed when I walked out to take his order and not you. He didn’t even say hi to me at first, just asked where you were,” Ify told her quickly, Sam pausing momentarily before she shook her head. “I’m telling you, he’s had those puppy dog eyes for you for a while now but I think you guys making out caused it to go off the charts.”

“We did a lot more than making out,” Sam muttered before deciding to turn to Ify and tell her the whole story, “After the carnival he came to my place.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Yeah and it was not a good decision. Things have been so weird between us since then. I knew it would be,” the stress was evident on Sam’s face while she tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear.

“It must not be that bad if he was asking where you were earlier though,” Ify surmised before tilting her head, wondering, “Where were you anyway?”

She punched her code into the computer, biting out, “Begging my landlord not to kick us out because the rent was late again, that’s where I was.”

“You know if you need anything Sam…”

“I know but it’s okay. I took care of it,” she assured her, shaking her head. She checked the dining room again, seeing it was still empty as the early dinner crowd hadn’t arrived yet. When she came back into the kitchen to do some sidework, she ignored Ify’s concerned looks, the pair working silently as a tense feeling settled between them.

She was snapped out of her own head when she felt her phone vibrating incessantly in her back pocket, pulling it out and instantly declining Chris’ call. She just wasn’t ready to face the inevitable conversation, just not yet. He tried calling her two more times, Sam sending each to voicemail, taking a minute to compose herself before she rolled more silverware. But soon, the shrill tone of the diner phone rang, Sam’s stomach dropping as she recognized the number on the screen.

Without even a greeting, she picked up the phone, harshly whispering, “Chris, I can’t talk about this right now. Ken is here and-”

“Riley’s hurt,” he said quickly, Sam feeling as if she’d be sick from those two words.

“What?”

“At practice he slid into home and caught his cleat on the side of the base and I think he broke his ankle, and he smacked his head on the catcher,” he was quick to reply, Sam hearing some fumbling on the other end as Chris moved and muffled voices, presumably from the other players.

Tears burned in her eyes, Sam nodding even though he couldn’t see her. “Oh my god, okay, I’m coming right now and I’ll take him straight to the hospital.”

“We already got him in my car and I’m taking him,” he replied, Sam able to hear a car door slamming in the background. “The trainer is at the lacrosse game across town, so we’re just going straight there.”

“I’ll meet you there,” she said, looking at Ify’s concerned face as she nodded, having a silent conversation with Sam.

Without even saying a word to Ify, her best friend told her to go, promising she’d cover her shift and get Bridget in to help quickly. She ran out of the diner, getting in her car and driving the- thankfully short- distance to the hospital, barely turning the car off before she ran inside the emergency room.

Sam raced inside the sliding doors, going right to the front desk and asked, “Where’s Riley Merrick?”

“I’ll have to check, hold on,” The woman calmly said while scrolling on her computer.

Sam impatiently tapped her foot, anxiety getting the best of her as she waited until the woman told her what room he was in and the moment that number left her mouth, Sam took off down the hallway. When she came bursting into the room, she found Riley laying on the small bed, his left foot elevated and a hand resting on his forehead, eyes slightly bleary as he stared at nothing.

“Riley, are you alright?” She asked, coming to a stop at the side of his bed, eyes roaming all over her brother quickly. He was still in his dirty clothes from practice, dirt covering the legs of his pants. A cleat was still on his left foot, probably to reduce any excess swelling, but the right one was sitting haphazardly on the ground, Riley’s hair a sweaty mess.

He nodded, cringing a little at the motion as he squeezed his eyes shut. “I think so, but my head hurts.”

“Remember they said to keep your eyes closed, the lights are really bright, bud,” Sam heard a familiar voice say from behind her as a big hand reached around her to gently rub Riley’s shoulder.

Sam’s eyes left Riley for the first time since entering the room, turning to see Chris sitting behind her with nothing but worry on his face. There was so much left unsaid between them, a layer of thick awkwardness hanging in the air but both of them were able to push that aside for the time being and focus on Riley and what they could do for him.

He gave her a sad look before explaining, “They think he has a concussion, but we’re waiting for a doctor.”

She nodded, standing by Riley and talking quietly to him for a few minutes, before she could tell he was drowsy. With a promise that she’d still be there when he woke up, he drifted off, Sam sitting down in the chair next to Chris with a sigh, eyes never leaving Riley’s lanky frame.

They were both silent for several minutes, watching Riley as he slept. She almost forgot Chris was even there until his low, emotional voice apologized to her, saying, “I’m so sorry, Sammy.”

She turned her head, looking at him with confusion. “It’s not your fault,” she told him with a strong voice, eyes looking at the guilt written all over him.

“It is. It happened during my practice.”

“It was just a fluke thing,” Sam insisted, sitting up straight and turning to face Chris fully.

“It wasn’t, I know a fluke,” Chris shook his head, taking off his hat and running a hand through his brown hair, before he put the hat back on and added, “This was just him not knowing how to slide right because I didn’t explain it well enough.”

“I doubt that. I can’t get Riley to shut up about all the explanations you give about baseball,” she replied, a tiny laugh escaping her, before her eyes suddenly filled with tears.

His brows pinched and Chris finally turned to look at her as her laugh choked off into a repressed sob. “Are you alright, Sammy?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, furiously wiping away the tears, glancing towards Riley. She deflated a bit, her heart dropping again as she looked over his sleeping frame and admitted, “He just… he looks so small.”

“Hey, hey. C’mere,” Chris whispered, reaching an arm across his shoulders and pulling her into his side, instantly feeling comforted by his presence. “He’s going to be okay.”

“I just hate seeing him lying there hurt.”

“I know,” Chris agreed, his voice dropping as he continued,“But it’s all going to be okay, I promise. We’ll get him treated and home tonight.”

She nodded, swallowing and wiping away the rest of her tears, pulling back from his embrace. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to start crying,” she shook her head, embarrassed. She’d always gotten by, survived everything she’d been through, by being guarded. And within twenty minutes of being in the hospital room, her guard had slipped, and in front of Chris. She willed herself to put it back up and pull herself together, especially with all that laid between them, looking away as she said, “You don’t need to stay now that I’m here.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him nod, looking down at his lap. She expected him to get up and grab his jacket that had been thrown over the couch on the far wall, but he surprised her. “Just let me stay,” he said quietly, Sam turning to look at him with wide eyes. “Then Riley won’t be alone when you’re talking to the doctor.”

Sam didn’t realize it but when she heard that he was staying, a feeling of relief washed over her. Although they both knew things still were a bit uncomfortable, Sam needed some support in this moment, more than she even realized. She sat back in her chair, not even blinking when Chris reached over and slipped his hand into hers, offering a little bit of comfort in the stressful moment.

They sat there for a long time, holding hands loosely as they waited for the doctor to arrive. But Sam realized something she’d forgotten, apologizing to Chris as she suddenly stood up, digging through her bag for her phone and going into the hall, making her way around the corner as she dialed her mother’s number. As the phone stopped ringing, silence on the other end, Sam rolled her eyes slightly, saying, “Hey mom.”

“Sam, do you know what time it is? I was dead asleep,” her mother yawned, oblivious to Sam’s worry.

“I know mom, but Riley’s hurt.”

“Hurt? What’s going on? Is he alright?”

“Yeah he’s okay but we’re waiting for the doctor-”

“Doctor? Sam, are you at the hospital?”

“Yeah he has a possible concussion and maybe a broken ankle,” she explained, picking at a loose thread on her shirt, steeling herself as she heard the sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.

“Has the doctor seen him yet?” Susan asked, Sam feeling a flush of anger at the lack of concern from the woman. “If he hasn’t, you still have time to leave.”

“Leave? Mom, he needs to see a doctor,” she insisted, clenching her jaw as she stared out a wide window, seeing the rain that had begun to fall since she arrived.

“Samantha, do you have any clue how much that’s going to cost to take him to the hospital? We can’t afford it!” Susan yelled, “We could barely pay the rent this morning let alone a trip to the hospital.”

She felt tears fill her eyes at the insincerity and cold way her mother spoke, shaking her head incredulously as she almost begged, “I know but Riley is really hurt.”

“If he has a concussion, they’re going to just send him home to rest and a broken ankle will heal. We can’t afford it and that’s the end of it.”

“No it isn’t. I’m not leaving here until Riley is seen by a doctor and I’m sure that he’s alright,” she responded, tears slipping down her cheeks, Sam fighting to keep her voice down.

“How do you not understand that we can’t afford it?”

“No, how do you not understand that Riley is laying in a hospital bed right now in pain and you don’t seem to care!”

“I do care but that’s not the only factor here!”

“Well it is to me.”

And with that, Sam clicked the red button on the phone to end the call. She was already worried sick over Riley, she didn’t need to deal with her mother’s arguing on top of it. So many emotions were inside of her, honestly layers and layers of them and it took everything within her to hold it all inside as she trudged back into the room. She tried to keep her head down so that Chris wouldn’t see her red eyes, not wanting that vulnerable piece of herself to show.

“Is everything alright?” She heard him ask almost as soon as she stepped inside the small hospital room, Sam pausing in her steps.

“Fine,” she muttered, wiping the tears away.

“You sure?”

She nodded, contemplating what to share before she pushed through that wall, venting, “...It’s just my mother. She’s a lot more concerned with what it’s costing than Riley.”

His eyes widened incredulously, his face flushing furiously as he asked, slightly loudly, “Are you serious?”

“Yes! And I just don’t understand how she could even say that when he…when he’s laying there,” she gestured, cutting herself off once she looked away from Chris.

When Sam’s eyes drifted over to Riley’s sleeping form, those emotions that were right at the surface tried to bubble over. She furiously blinked, trying to keep her tears at bay but when Chris stood up and gently pulled her up against his chest and held her so warmly, making her feel so safe, it was impossible for her to keep that wall up anymore. Sam buried her face into Chris’ white tee shirt as the tears started pouring from her eyes, all of the pent up emotions coming out in that moment.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be this emotional,” she choked out as she pulled a hand up, wiping it over her face as she avoided his eyes, looking at Riley instead.

“Samantha, will you just stop it?” Chris asked, in a way that could almost seem harsh, except she knew he was just trying to get her to listen to him. “Stop acting like it’s wrong to have feelings. You’re carrying a lot, you’re well within your rights to be frustrated.”

She shook her head stubbornly, knowing she should just suck it up and push through it. “But it’s not-”

“Nope,” Chris cut her off, dropping his hands and moving one to tilt her chin up, forcing her to look at him. His eyes were clear, his face stubbornly set, and she couldn’t help but listen to him and take in his words. “I’m not even going to listen to some shitty excuse as to why you think you should be tougher than this or some stupid shit.”

She nodded, her lip wobbling as she confessed, “I just don’t feel like I’m handling any of this well. I can barely keep our normal lives together let alone when something goes wrong,”

“From where I’m standing, that’s a load of shit,” Chris told her, raising a single brow. “Because ever since the moment I stepped foot back in this town, I’ve seen you literally bust your ass to take care of Riley and give him a better life than you had.”

“I just don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job,” she admitted with a short laugh bubbling out of her, shaking her head.

“Well you are,” his voice was soft, “And right now you’re emotional but don’t let it get in your head and convince you something that’s not true.”

She nodded, listening to him before she swallowed, an emotional cry rising from her chest before she confessed, “It’s just a lot sometimes.”

Chris nodded, rubbing his hands over her shoulders before he leaned down, pressing a kiss on the top of her head before he whispered, “It is and I’m glad you can see that. Maybe that’ll help you understand why the people around you want to help you and take some of that off of you.”

“I’m just so tired of being that girl who works at a shitty dead-end job and still can’t hardly scrape any money together,” Sam said, without an ounce of bitterness in her voice. She’d be holding in these frustrations for so long, not wanting to make Riley feel like a burden, or open herself up for criticism with her insufferable mother, or be on the receiving end of Ify’s endless supply of pity again. When Chris didn’t say anything, she felt thankful, finally getting to let these words out and she continued, “I’m tired of fighting with my mom. I’m tired of Riley having that anxious look on his face when he tells me that he needs something new for school and knows how much it’s going to cost. I’m tired of Ken jumping down my throat at the diner for every little thing. I’m tired of getting up and doing the same thing every single day and not making any progress. I’m tired of being stuck.”

“Sammy,” Chris breathed, but this time the sympathy coming from him felt sincere, something she’d never experienced with everyone else. They, despite the help they offered, seemed to just keep going on with their lives in a way that was always unfair to Sam, but Chris was showing that was different with him. “That’s not true, you’re not stuck.”

“But I am Chris. I am stuck and I know it. I know there isn’t a way out of this and I hate it,” she replied, not even flinching when his hands came to gently wipe away her tears. “For once in my life I want to be able to walk home and actually be happy to be there, not frustrated when another thing broke, or hear the neighbors yelling. I want to be able to get Riley the new sneakers he wants, or go out to dinner. I want to be able to not have my entire life dictated by money.”

“I wish I could take this all away for you,” he breathed, a sad frown on his face as he watched her.

She shook her head, feeling the frustration flowing through her as she wiped away her own tears.“I know that I shouldn’t be complaining because I still have enough to eat and a place to live but sometimes I’m just so sick of being the diner girl,” she confessed.

“You’re not just the diner girl, Sammy,” he instantly replied, before continuing quickly, “You’re so caring and thoughtful, always remembering every tiny detail someone shared with you. You always seem to know how to support other people, knowing when to lean in and when to give space. You’re honest and don’t say things you don’t mean. I know what an incredible sister you are with not only how Riley talks about you but how you chose to step up and take care of him. You’ve sacrificed what you wanted to be able to give Riley more than you had, which only shows how selfless you are. And Sammy, god you’re so funny and sarcastic in the best way and you’re just… you’re incredible and the last thing I think of when I think of you is just the diner girl.”

She was speechless, unable to form any coherent thoughts as he spoke, shaking her head a little when he was done. She felt entirely undeserving of those words, that praise, and she wasn’t sure how to respond, especially when the guy she was starting to fall for said those things. “Thank you Chris.”

“And you’re a pretty crier which honestly is pretty rare,” he said with a smirk, causing Sam to laugh out loud.

They settled back into their chairs for the long wait to be seen, a nurse checking in about an hour later to look at Riley’s vitals and take a look at his ankle. Chris slipped out of the room at this point, heading to grab them some sandwiches and water from the cafeteria, arriving just as the doctor came strolling in the door and Sam was waking up Riley. With a diagnosis of a sprained ankle and mild concussion in hand, they were sent on their way with painkillers for the night, instructions to wake him up every few hours overnight, and orders to get an appointment with Riley’s regular doctor within a few days. Chris offered to drive them both home, saying he’d take Sam to get her car the next day once things calmed down.

After getting Riley up the stairs and into bed, Sam shut his door with a sigh, practically deflating as the last of the adrenaline finally left her body, leaving her exhausted. She collapsed next to Chris on the couch with a deep sigh, silent until she whispered, “Chris… thank you for everything today.”

His brows furrowed as he looked at her, shaking his head instantly. “You don’t need to thank me,” he said, confusion written all over his face.

“I want to. I don’t know what I would have done without you,” Sam confessed, shaking her head back. She swallowed, struggling to find the words but finally said, “I know that things are a little, well… different between us now and how things have been since, well, you know, but I guess I’m just trying to say I really appreciate you being there for me today.”

“Hey, let’s just forget about that and move on, okay?” He asked quietly, laying a hand on top of hers on the couch. “I care about you and Riley and I’m honored I could be there to support you.”

“Thank you,” she smiled, slightly watery and feeling exhausted.

“You’re welcome Sammy,” he said back with a smile of his own, before he sighed, pulling his hand away from hers as he began to stand up. “Well I should probably get going.”

“Okay,” she nodded, bringing her legs up to tuck them next to her on the sagging, old couch cushion. “So I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah, definitely,” he grinned, grabbing his jacket from where he’d thrown it over the back of the couch. He turned his head, raising an eyebrow at her as he asked, “Promise me that you’ll text me if you need anything?”

She nodded, playing with the hem of the loose shirt she had changed into. “I promise I will.”

Chris gave her a soft smile while reaching out to gently brush his knuckles along her smooth cheek, quietly saying “Goodnight Sammy,” in that low raspy voice and as the door to the apartment shut behind him, Sam knew without a doubt she was totally a goner, and felt something shift between them for good this time.

#on deck #chris evans x oc #chris evans writing #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans fic #chris evans x ofc #chris evans #chris evans x original female character #chris evans story #chris evans au #original female character #mlb!au

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kazuchii · 3 years

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Hihi, can I request hcs for Xingqiu, Venti, Albedo, and Diluc with a gn s/o that seems aloof but they're such an idiot? Like for the first time s/o's bf see's how soft s/o really is and s/o is kinda being a tsundere about how soft they really are. I hope that made sense ashbesjks

Aloof GN!Reader w/ Genshin Boys

A/N: Hellooo! Thank you for requesting! You’ll be my first request so I’ll do my best to fulfill everything! I hope everything seems in character, I really need to get used to writing different personality types.

Synopsis: The Genshin boys discover that their s/o is actually softer than they originally thought.

Characters: Albedo, Diluc, Venti, Xingqiu

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: N/A

Masterlist

Albedo definitely didn’t mind you being distant towards him. I mean, he struggles with interactions in general so he just assumed,

“Oh, they must struggle as well.”

He never saw it as an issue between you since he knew deep down that you deeply cared for him.

He knew you’d always come back to him at the end of the day, he fully trusted that fact about you.

Strangely enough, he found you an intriguing person due to this.

Although the citizens in Mondstadt appear to see him in a positive light, there still are many who fear him deep down. After all, he keeps his secrets zipped up inside him. They know absolutely nothing about him or anything he’s capable of.

But you…you didn’t seem to care about that. And he was thankful for that.

And that brings you to today; a bright sunny day with the rays from the sun gleaming down.

The two of you, along with Klee, were outside the walls of Mondstadt, nearby the lake surrounding the city of freedom.

Today, Klee decided to have a little play date with the two of you. While Albedo was painting away, you and Klee were supposed to play around together.

If he’s being honest, Albedo was a little nervous.

You and Klee had never played together before and due to the distant and cold personality he was used to when it came to you, he wasn’t sure how you’d react with being around a bouncy and hyper child such as Klee.

So when Albedo spotted you playing with Klee, a soft smile on your face, he had a mini heart attack.

Not because he was panicking or anything, but more because he wasn’t used to seeing you smile like this. It made his chest feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Later that day, Albedo made sure to comment on the event.

“Well, it appears you two were getting along fondly.”

“You were watching?!”

“Of course I was watching. How could I look away from that fond smile you had on your face?”

“Shut up!”

“It was very cute.”

“I SAID SHUT UP!”

Diluc and you first met months earlier. You were just another customer at first to him while he was simply a bartender.

Immediately though, he found you interesting.

While his other customers were loud and obnoxious, you would just sit at a table in the corner of Angels Share, minding your own business.

You would only ever speak to ask for another drink, which he would always provide.

“Another glass of apple cider, please.”

He doesn’t know what came over him when he decided he mentally decided to court you. He probably will never know the exact answer either.

It wasn’t the easiest either. Courting you was one of the most difficult things this man has ever done, and somehow he accomplished it in the end.

You were challenging with your distant personality, to say the least. It seemed to him that you wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, that you didn’t see him in the way he saw you.

So when you finally accepted him after weeks, the relief this man felt wash over him in an instant is indescribable.

Now present day, Diluc finds himself heading back to Angels Share in the middle of the night. The moon was directly above him as he silently walked through the city, the only other light source being lanturns.

Due to the drowsiness that he was currently feeling, he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him when he spotted you.

“What in the world are they doing out in the middle of the night?”

But what startled him more than the time on the clock was your facial expression. For the first time, Diluc saw you smile.

Diluc just stood frozen in time as you sat there, rubbing the belly of a stray dog, an empty bowl beside you. He could only assume you’ve been taking care of a stray.

“Who’s a good boy? It’s you, isn’t it!”

“(Y/N)?”

You instantly froze in place, your head creaking towards Diluc’s direction.

“D-Diluc.”

“What in the world are you doing up at this hour?”

“I-I could say the same for you! What are you doing up this late, huh?!”

You shot up from the ground, face beet red.

“I asked you first, love.”

“NOTHING. I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING!”

“That dog below you giving you puppy dog eyes says otherwise-“

“WHATS A DOG??”

Venti was simply just strumming away at his lyre, the sound alluring the Mondstadt citizens around him as he stood at the foot of the Barbatos statue in the plaza.

His eyes were shut as he too, was preoccupied with listening to the soothing sounds.

When his fingers came slowly to a halt, his aqua green eyes peeked open, the sound of the citizens around him clapping filling his ears.

A smile morphed onto his face.

But soon that smile increased in size. Beyond the crowd surrounding him, he spotted you. You weren't doing anything special, just standing there.

“(Y/N)!”

The bard could hardly control the excitement of you watching him doing what he adored.

Although your facial expression read that of a bored person, Venti didn't seem to mind at all at that moment. Instead, he craved your attention.

Soon enough, the bard stood in front of you, his grin somehow getting wider.

"(Y/N)! Did you enjoy the song?"

"It was nice."

Nice? Only nice? Your facial expression said otherwise. Was the song boring to listen to? Did he mess up a note? Maybe it just wasn't your type of song.

Venti's eyes narrowed in thought, his lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed. He wanted you to say something more than just nice, he wanted you to smile for once due to one of his songs.

That is how you found yourself in this situation. Daily, Venti would find you around Mondstadt, play a song for you, and then wait for your response. He wanted you to say something more than the song was nice without a single hint of emotion before leaving.

But each time, that was your answer and Venti was getting annoyed. Not at you of course, but that he lacked the power to make you smile. He’s the Anemo God, but he can't seem to make his s/o smile.

So the astonishment Venti felt when he glimpsed his eyes over towards you after he played yet another song and saw you smiling ever so slightly, he almost dropped his lyre.

"(Y-Y/N)...are you smiling...?"

"Wait what-"

"I saw it! I saw you smile!"

When I tell you Venti was all over the place, I mean it. He was like a bouncy ball with him bouncing in every direction. But he couldn't control it. The pure bliss he felt in that moment took over all his actions.

"I-I didn't do anything. My face twitched."

"You can't lie to me! I saw it with my own eyes!"

The relationship between Xingqiu and you happened almost instantly. The two of you went from total strangers to Xingqiu always dragging you on his little adventures.

It all started with just a single sentence;

"Oh, you like Legend of the Shattered Halberd as well?"

Let me tell you, the look on his face when you said that. He always dreamed of having another person he could converse with when it came to books. So, the moment you said that he wasn't about to let you walk away without learning your name and other books you have read.

A friendship sparked between the two of you. He was one of the only people who would constantly talk with you even if you acted distantly. Soon enough, the two of you became a couple.

He wasn't worried about grabbing you from your home and taking you outside on a little adventure after he just finished reading one of his adventure novels. And of course, he'd always have a book with him during this time. You found that cute about him, but you never showed it.

Whenever the two of you would chat about books, Xingqiu was always shocked whenever you told him you haven't read a certain book.

"You're telling me you've never read The Pale Princess and the Six Pygmies?!"

"Never."

That's when he shoved the first volume in your face, an immediate serious expression on his face. Blinking a few times, you accepted the book from him.

"Read it and then tell me how you feel about it. I can give you the other volumes if you enjoy it."

"Okay."

Xingqiu thought you seemed wary at first to read it. He knew you weren't as majorly obsessed with books as he was, so he internally was just preparing for you to end up not reading it.

He didn't mind it though, reading wasn't for everyone after all.

The following day though, he felt the sudden urge to stop by Wanwen Bookhouse. He just wanted to skim some of the books there, maybe purchase one or two.

But those plans immediately ended when he spotted you. You were leaning against the wooden red railings, the book he had let you borrowed flipped open in your hands. And you were a chunk through it already.

Xingqiu could've worn his eyes were bulging out of his eye sockets because the one other thing he saw was the tiny smile located on your face.

You didn't seem to notice Xingqiu before he was standing right in front of you, a huge grin on his face.

"You seem to be enjoying the book I lent you. Would you care for the remaining volumes?"

You almost dropped the book as a shriek left your mouth.

"Where did you come from?!"

"Well, I felt the urge to stop by the bookhouse and saw you. So, about those other volumes..."

There was a moment of silence between the two of you, your cheeks slightly reddish.

"I'll...pick them up later..."

#genshin impact #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin headcanons #genshin impact x reader #diluc x reader #albedo x reader #venti x reader #xingqiu x reader #aloof reader #gender neutral reader #anime x reader #tsundere reader #headcanons #fluff

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highdramas · 3 years

Text

your lips, my lips | b.b.

𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝'𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 | 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭

pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader

warnings: language, possible tfatws spoilers

word count: 2404

summary: is there a more divine thought than being kissed by bucky barnes?

note: here's another installment in the twalb story <3 again, you don't have to read these in order, they stand independently, but they do all work together! PLEASE leave feedback/reblog! this is extremely helpful for me writing future parts to know what everyone likes or doesn't like!

enjoy! <3

how do you know when james bucky barnes is going to kiss you?

you’ve learned that you’re not good at figuring out when, how, or if he is going to kiss you. there have been countless moments outside your door, inside your apartment, inside his apartment, down the street at the pizza place, where you thought… this is going to be it. he’s going to hold your face in his hands and you’re going to feel the cold sting of metal that has somehow become so warm to you. he’s going to pull you in closer to him and your eyes are going to roll back into your head and you’re going to experience the bliss that is kissing james bucky barnes.

the time has never come.

because every time you tip your head back slightly and think this is the moment, it has simply never been the moment. sometimes, bucky clears his throat and gives his head a little shake, as if ridding himself of the thought that you both just shared. the thought that you could kiss right now and never look back and hope for the best. but you know bucky, you really know him, and you know that though he may not admit it often, he is fearful. and if he’s anything like you, he’s afraid of ruining this good thing that sits between the two of you, like a glowing ball of energy and goodness and understanding.

despite your fears of never wanting this feeling to subside or fade or crash and burn in some fiery death, that doesn’t mean that every moment you’re around bucky, you’re not thinking of him kissing you. because you are. and it’s driving you slightly insane.

right now, you sit with bucky in central park. you have learned many things about him, but one of the more recent things is that he has never been on a picnic. you had gaped at him then, and you think you said something along the lines of-- “you were wooing women in the 40s and never took one on a fucking picnic?”

that’s another thing about you and bucky.

you may fear a lot, but you do not fear him.

there has never been a moment where you have pushed bucky to tell you more than he was comfortable with. at the start, once he knew that you were already well aware of who he was and some pieces of his history-- it felt like you both started with a mutual understanding. an understanding that says, i know, and it won’t make me run.

but he has told you what he wants to, in bits and pieces. the first time, it was about yori. it was about the look in yori’s eyes when he talked about his son to bucky, it was about how bucky doesn’t know how he can make amends here, how he can say or do anything to possibly help a man who has lost his son at the hands of a man who he has come to call friend.

you have watched as guilt and anger have made a mess of this beautiful man.

and what did you do in return?

sometimes, you didn’t speak. you didn’t think that was what bucky was looking for. you were simply there, with a listening ear and a careful touch.

other times, you did. other times, you couldn’t help yourself.

it was hard to sit and watch and listen to bucky torture himself over and over and over-- you would burst, you would take his metal hand in between yours and you would squeeze and you would say-- “you are not the things that they forced upon you.”

and bucky halted at that. bucky halted and he stared at you, eyes that were moments ago frantic and full of fright, trying to blink some of those feelings away. he would blink and he would try to slow his breathing and he would finally say to you, “how can you know what i’ve done and not walk away?”

“bucky, ever since i’ve known you, the only direction i’ve wanted to walk is towards you.”

he tells you the hard things.

but he also tells you the good things. the things before hydra.

like the dates he went on, the way his life looked in the forties.

so, naturally, when you found out about the lack of picnics in the life of the winter soldier-- you had taken it upon yourself to decide that a picnic was exactly what you two needed.

it was four months ago that bucky asked if you needed help building your cat tower. later, you would call him a creep for spying on you, but you would say it with a smile on your face and a light nudge to his ribs. and in four months it has been hard to stay away from him. that is, when he wasn’t away himself-- you know of his work with the falcon, and really, you think it’s a good thing. you met sam briefly a week ago, after they returned from god knows where, and sam had been nothing but a gentleman. out of the corner of your eye, you even think that you might’ve seen sam nudging bucky and murmuring something that you couldn’t quite make out.

so when he is here, you try and savor every moment, every laugh, every brush of his fingers against yours and every sweet look you two share.

and you hope that maybe one of these times, he will kiss you.

“damn-- this is good.”

the corner of your mouth turns up as you watch bucky sip on the sickly sweet wine you brought. there is a wide assortment of food before you-- strawberries and brie, crackers and cheese, plump purple grapes and chocolate that makes your mouth water. you had made sure to go all out for bucky’s first picnic.

“i didn’t know if you would like it,” you say, taking a sip from your own. “it’s like juice. so sweet.”

bucky furrows his brows. “you know i have a sweet tooth,” he mumbles and it makes your heart sigh because, yes, you do know this. you know him.

for a moment, you turn your focus on the scene in front of you. there are kids running around the park playing, couples laying in the grass, a dog owner throwing a frisbee to a black lab. everyone with their own little lives, their own quiet eternities that you will never know of. when you look at bucky, you wonder what these strangers wonder about you.

you stare and you are not embarrassed to do so, not even when bucky meets your gaze with a firm smirk. “can i help you?”

“no,” you shake your head defiantly. “just looking. is that allowed?”

“i guess,” he says and leans back on the palm of his gloved hand. “don’t know i’m much to look at.”

a snort leaves you. his brows furrow. “are you serious?” you finally ask.

“yes, i’m serious.”

“bucky, i don’t know how else to tell you this, but you are certainly not hard on the eyes.”

you watch as his face goes red and you have to halt yourself. “oh my god,” you say. “you’re blushing.”

“i am not. that’s ridiculous.”

“yes, you totally are! you’re blushing because i said you’re easy on the eyes!”

“it’s a natural bodily response.”

“sure, buck.”

there’s a beat of silence and you chuckle, if only to fill the air and to avert your eyes from his gaze. he’s staring at you with a slightly slacked jaw and a gleam in his eyes that you don’t think you’ve seen before-- and it feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped atop your head. “you’ve never called me that before,” he says quietly.

“oh, yeah, well--” you chuckle again and you shrug. “i don’t have to--”

bucky shakes his head instantly. “no. i don’t mind.”

you smile at him and you look down at your empty cup and back up to him. “we should start heading back.”

the two of you make quick work of gathering together your picnic. you laugh as bucky takes a swig from the bottle and you swat at him, saying public intoxication is very illegal, to which he rolls his eyes. you take the last sip of the bottle and then you’re on your way back to your apartment building.

the earth is on the cusp of spring-- where the nights are finally starting to get long and the air smells crisp, smells like pollen and change. you lean against bucky as you walk and you let out a sigh. “i love spring,” you murmur to him. “the world always feels so new.”

bucky looks over at you and he nods his head. “it’s nice,” he says in quiet agreement.

that’s one thing that you like about bucky-- he doesn’t fill silence unnecessarily. you do. you’ve been trying to break the habit in the months you’ve known him, much to his amusement. he has called you out plenty of times. “i can tell you’re itching to talk. i don’t mind. i like listening to you.”

he’s carrying the majority of your things and you offer to take something off his hands at least three times in five blocks, and every time he screws his face up as he looks at you, as if to say-- funny.

he’s good at saying things without really saying anything at all. you don’t like to think too hard about how he picked up that skill.

bucky helps you into your apartment with your things, and he goes a step further and he helps you put away leftovers and wash the dirty dishes you two had created. “i know if i don’t help you now, they’ll be in your sink until i come over again.”

so you stand side by side, he washes and you dry and put away. you play the bee gees and you’re surprised by how much bucky enjoys it. you’ve been traveling through decades of music with bucky, and now, you’re on seventies. bee gees, fleetwood mac, blondie, abba-- you’ve curated a perfect playlist for him. when you come home from work and hear him listening to it through the thin walls of this old apartment building, you try to ignore the way that your heart swells.

and just as fast as you got swept up in your day with james buchanan barnes, it is coming to an end. you walk him to your doorstep and you lean your head against the doorframe as he stands in it, lingering still, staring at you. “can i help you?” you mimic him from earlier.

bucky laughs.

you love that laugh. you want to earn it again and again and again.

“just looking,” he says in a voice that you have a suspicion is an impression of yours. your jaw drops, and he laughs again, and you don’t know if your heart could swell anymore.

your laughter mingles with his, like a waltz floating through the air until it dissipates above your heads. all that’s left is you and him and the dim light of the hallway and the god awful carpet. “well…” he motions behind him. “i should…”

“yeah.” you bite down on your lip and push back off the doorframe. “night, buck.”

“night, doll.”

your breath hitches and you put on your best smile and you watch as he begins to step down the hall, and finally, you click your door shut.

it’s like pure energy courses through your body. you place your hands on your hips and you pace, looking down at kitty who has emerged from your bedroom. she meows up at you, and you sigh. “oh, honey,” you murmur as you bend down to scoop her into your arms. “why won’t he kiss me?”

you stand there for a few moments before you begin to grow frustrated with yourself. why do you have to wait for him to kiss you? you know that the lines have been blurred long ago, that there is simply no way that he can look at you like that and not want to kiss you too. setting kitty down, you wipe your hands on your jeans and you decide that you are going to be bold, you are going to be brave. and if it blows up in your face… well, you’ve always been somewhat impulsive. you’ve found your way through things blowing up in your face countless times.

you swing your door open and bucky is already there.

with all of your momentum, you almost collide into him. he catches you by the elbows and looks at you, pupils slightly blown, concern on his pretty face. “were you going somewhere?”

“no!” you stammer out immediately. “no… no. i was--” you sigh and you lick your lips and you finally fix your eyes on him. “i kind of-- i kind of thought that you were going to kiss me, back there. and i was disappointed that you didn’t because… well, i don’t think i’m reading into things, but i really think that we might be on the same page about--”

bucky will never know how you were going to finish that sentence, and frankly, with all the frantic nonsense you were spewing, you don’t know if you even knew to begin with-- because he takes your face in his hands and his lips brush yours.

he’s rid the gloves. that’s the first thing you notice, that delicious cold of smooth metal again your cheek. the next is that his lips are so soft. the third is that you could kiss him forever and you think you could never grow tired of it. he is gentle yet demanding, passionate but so incredibly tender that it breaks your heart. it breaks your heart over and over again thinking about the way he thinks about himself, the things that were forced upon him.

you part. a string of spit connects your lips and it makes you laugh and it makes your cheeks grow warm. bucky reaches out with the hand made of metal and wipes your bottom lip and it makes your heart thump, thump, thump in your chest.

“we’re definitely on the same page,” is all he says before he takes your face once more. this time, you shuffle backwards and into your apartment, the door clicking shut. "there's just a dance to these things, doll."

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