#because maybe i pass as a man 99% of the time but. i can never pass as a cishet man and that impacts how i am treated

[uncanny-tranny]

I'm tired of the idea that passing as a trans person is something you either are or aren't, that it is innate, and if you pass, you pass in every scenario otherwise, you don't pass, and if you don't pass, and it's because you aren't doing enough/aren't transitioning enough/aren't enough of your gender.

I'm tired of the idea that passing is this clearly defined phenomenon that happens to us all if we try hard enough, and that it's inherently our fault if we can't magically pass in every fucking scenario known to man.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #transphobia #transphobia tw #like passing is already complex and i hate that so many treat it like black and white #that's why i hate being told i pass or that i pass and so my voice is less impactful #because maybe i pass as a man 99% of the time but. i can never pass as a cishet man and that impacts how i am treated #and i simply can't pass in some situations. i'm treated like a third scarier gender in many circumstances and that matters! #it matters because it's transphobia and it *will* impact other people #we can acknowledge that passing *can* contribute to how somebody is treated *without* making sweeping statements that silence others y'know? #and i just don't know if some people are ready for the amount of nuance and care that that takes #it's getting to the point where i am weary of language surrounding passing #like even when i passed maybe 10% of the time i still felt like i wasn't heard by others and it's frustrating #like it feels like it's 'you pass so you don't understand this' or 'you don't pass so you don't understand this'

[txttletale]

roadhogsbigbelly is doubling down. genuinely incredible (yes i am aware how deeply funny it is to start a serious post with that sentence. it is my one allotment of levity)

oh okay you just assumed that "loliporn" was involved and something that i deserved to be associated with defending and accused of making "integral to the queer identity" because of stuff that the OP (who i cannot stress enough i never followed or talked to or knew in any fucking way!) did that got called out months after i made my addition?

the rest of his post is just a very lengthy way of saying "umm if you didn't want to be called a pedophile because you were mean about stardew valley maybe you should be more careful about how you reblog from". yeah buddy im sure you apply that standard to yourself too huh. im sure you pull out your Bad Person detector every time you reblog a fucking post and beam OP with it. you literally screenshot my post about how as a trans women i get this standard uniquely applied to me and went "um its a good standard though. answer for the actions of every fucking person youve ever reblogged a post by".

and all this whole fucking schtick where he's like "ummmm im not calling you a pedophile :) i just assumed you thought 'loliporn was integral to the queer identity' based on source: i made it up and am going out of my way to repeatedly say you're agreeing with pedophiles and not being wary enough about pedophiles and that 99% of people who make the type of post im accusing you of making are pedophiles" is so fucking pathetic and if you fall for it you are a blatant transmisogynist like come the fuck on man.

i am no longer having a nice time on the computer, i am pretty fucking angry. and all this because he "doesnt have much skin in the game" but he doesn't like my stardew valley takes! yeah man real proportionate response.

not to mention the aside he makes to say 'wah wah someone told me to kill myself' amiguito do you have any fucking idea what my inbox has looked like since this entire transmisogynistic harassment campaign began a week ago? i delete those asks because i'm not into flaunting every piece of online abuse i get to make myself look like the victim in computer arguments but it has been constant and graphic! breaking news, women are people too, some of the most cutting-edge research suggests they might even have feelings!

"oh i censored her identity i dont know how she even found it" oh okay so you were anonymously pedojacketing me to your thousands of followers while vaguing about a post i made that had thousands of notes and using the same screenshot that an uncensored version of was passed around with thousands of notes as part of a transmisogynistic harassment campaign last fucking week?

how could anyone possibly have guessed it was me! it's a real mystery man it was basically witness protection. "oh but i didn't know, i didn't know she was trans", maybe he'll also say he didn't know about the harassment campaign, hey fucker, maybe apply some of the constant scrutiny you're reserving for women who are mean about farming game and apply it to yourself and consider looking into these things before baselessly making pedo accusations against someone!

this transmisogynistic crybully shit is absolutely fucking insufferable and i am absolutely sick of it and anyone who buys into it. i'm done assuming good faith or ignorance. i am not going to be a good placid little bullying target and acquiesce to this vile shit. it's truly fucking incredible that a tme guy can be found out as an actual pedophile and guys like mr. belly can immediately jump into action to use this as an opportunity to denounce a trans woman who had one interaction with him ever that consisted of five minutes spent typing an addition to a post and hitting ''reblog''. & if you don't find that sickening then straight up you are not safe for trans women to be around.

#tattletxt #Youtube

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

please tell me this manga/comic/show exists i do not wanna have to make it

okok I've posted about this before but I'm watching animation content on youtube again while getting work done and by GOD I WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN

There's a specific concept I want to consume as content/art so badly but it came to me in a stupid dream. BUT. Sometimes, a dream means I DID see a hint of it somewhere and my brain accidentally plagiarized it which provides me with the teensiest sliver of hope that exists already and I don't have to work on it

It's a kind of a reverse isekai, right? But instead of an instant portal, it's time passing. And what I mean by that is that it's a Sun Wukong story, but the branch off is that after the main events of Journey to the West he gets either water temple'd or trapped in magic sleep again, not for a few hundred years but a few THOUSAND.

He wakes up to an incredibly far-flung China that remembers his myth and only his myth.

The art style that operated in this dream was sort of. Textured but 3D? Think nimona's buttery lighting but instead of emphasis on light and shapes to operate with the stained glass and solarpunk-medieval style the models are textured in a way that just invokes traditional brushwork and colour bleed even in a more cyberpunkish setting. Think like. Whenever there's a night scene the astigmatism glow of lamplight bleeds a little, like ink feathering on paper.

It's a little bit of a Steve Rogers treatment in a way, the world has moved past him, but also completely mythologized and capitalized on that mythology. Rather than treat that man out of time narrative as an aspect of backstory, it's the MAIN character narrative, because this ISN'T a world that needs him. This world is doing pretty okay, actually.

This a story about him.

Not about his feats or how cool his powers are or the 8 gajillion things the magic staff can do but just.

How ya doing, bud?

From the vaguely coherent notes that I could garner from my sleepily typed googledoc, it seems that I wanted this to be a love letter of sorts to the Asian diaspora experience? A specific sort of loneliness? Where the world you experience has a sort of disconnect in that it makes plain you belong there but you also don't, you never have, and there's no way to go "back" but going forward feels like groping blind through the muck. How much right to the past does he feel like he has? When it's been built into something he can't recognize and is clearly important to other people.

I want the pickup of the plot to gain him friends, family, maybe even a conflict or two but the stakes should never elevate vis a vis physical enemies to battle.

It'd be about 2/3 of this sort of narrative drawn story and the other 1/3 just hogwild worldbuilding and design

I've looked at a few other journey to the west adaptations but they mainly just use him as a funky lil action figure hero that's there to be cool as hell and save the day

99% likely this is just a thing my brain is made up and I'd need a several million budget and about 25 additional skills to start the ball rolling but hey, worth it to ask yall again

#sun wukong #journey to the west #mia dreams #i get these cinematic dreams once every now and again maybe i'll use that tag to post more of em

[immediatebreakfast]

I love how Renfield is the oldest (59) and Mina is very likely the living youngest, and yet they bond so well. (It reminds me how well Mina befriended the 99 year old Mr Swales that he sought her company and felt care for her.) It probably contributed that Jack may have experience with interacting with "madmen" and studying, Mina had lived with and loved a "madman".

It's truly incredible how a simple conversation between an old man in physical cell, and a young woman in a mental cell put such a dent in the Count's plans that he had to flee to Transylvania once it was clear that nothing would stop the crew.

Even if the repercutions were huge in the narrative, in between the horror and the action it was just a visit (probably the first visit that Renfield had in a long time) to talk.

Reading again the entry I noticed how hostile Renfield is towards Mina at first,

"You're not the girl the doctor wanted to marry, are you? You can't be, you know, for she's dead." - R.M. Renfield, september 30.

and even with everything one can say about sexism, and the building infantilization of Mina, let's remember that this is the first time Renfield meets someone that is specifically associated with Jack. Renfield's remarked abuser in both authority, and personhood in general. Also by probably being informed by Dracula himself that both Mina and Jonathan are the key players in this continuous attacks against his plans in England, on top of just almost correctly assuming that Mina must share the same opinion towards the mentally ill that society has.

Three strikes against Mina that she switfly defeats by treating Renfield like the person he is, and talking to him in a normal manner. After taking care of her beloved Jonathan, and being at Lucy's side most of her life Mina is aware of how the Other is viewed. Maybe as she saw Renfield, Mina thought of a worse reality where the man on the bed was her Jonathan in Budapest, maybe she saw how Seward reacted to Renfield's words, and realized what was actually layed out in the room. Or maybe Mina just saw an old man in need of an ear, and she just listened.

This is the first time that Renfield puts a face on a victim of the Count's games, he puts a voice on the young victim whose life is going to violently end in what he thought was supposed to be eternal bliss. Lucy is a distant dream for Renfield, the revenge against these people who dared to put up a fight against this old ancient evil that goes beyond all of their years combined.

Renfield never knew Lucy, but he knows Mina now.

Renfield sees the young Mina Harker, entering life with her equal young husband in hand, and trying to solve the murder of what he knows now was her best friend, and he reflects. He reflects on everything he has done, on what has passed, and what he can do tomorrow.

Mr. Renfield asked if he might see me. Poor man, he was very gentle, and when I came away he kissed my hand and bade God bless me. Some way it affected me much; I am crying when I think of him. This is a new weakness, of which I must be careful. Jonathan would be miserable if he knew I had been crying. - Mina Harker, october 2.

And the man is devastated to see how he is helping orchestrate the murder of another young lady to please the Count. He becomes desperate to leave (a request that is denied by both Seward, and Van Helsing), so the Count can't have access to the inside of the asylum. It doesn't matter if he looks like a coward by the time's literary standards because if the only way to at least save that young lady is by acting like one? Then Renfield might as well do it, he has nothing to lose sans his life.

I think that the key difference between Mina, and Jack when it comes to Renfield is empathy, and the ability to simply treat the other person with the same humanity you should be treated.

Jack may have studied, and climbed until he got to be the head of an asylum, but his own biases, mental problems, and ableism blurred the lines between patient and doctor so hard that he made Renfield's life a boring hell. From when their dynamic was introduced, to Renfield's death, the narrative dictated how Seward was putting both into a deep spiral in which, not even with Renfield's manipulations, none of them were going to come out in victory.

In contrast, Mina has cared for Jonathan without any restrain, and has lived in service of what the situation demands of her at all times. She knows, as a young victorian lady, how to balance herself without trying to compete, or win the other person in the room with her. Mina only needed to genuinely talk to Renfield to break his heart because she gave him the respect, and honestly she expects for herself when talking.

#I will always mourn the mountain of potential that was the character of R.M. Renfield #That old man was truly on the best wave lenght in the book #Why kill the only character that could serve as a counter point to Van Helsing after establishing a connection with Mina? #This was from last year by the way #dracula daily #dracula #r.m. renfield #renfield #mina harker #mina murray

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

can't stop thinking about someone comparing roman and darling's relationship to harley and joker's...roman would not respond well to that.

this would probably happen with a darling who loves him back. maybe you did hate him at first, maybe you have stockholm syndrome, but it doesn't matter. you're devoted to him now. you accept the affection he gives and the pain he inflicts.

and the thing is...his darling is not a well kept secret despite his efforts. you might be locked up in his penthouse 24/7, but it's impossible to hide you away from everyone.

his goons and staff know about you out of necessity. some of the more trusted ones are assigned to guard you when he's not around. they can all hear him fucking you, hear him making you scream almost every day.

maybe one of his goons makes an offhand comment about the boss getting his own little version of a harley. or maybe word gets out about you and another rogue slyly brings you up in a meeting and implies black mask and joker having something in common.

oh, he'd be seething. he'd hate it so fucking much.

Frrrr

I mean Roman and Joker are both very aware that what they're doing is wrong, they just don't care. But they differ in that Roman will never lay a hand on Darling outside of getting rough in bed (even when he gets that initial violent urge, he just throws furniture or beats someone else in the vicinity). If he's gonna punish them, he's making them watch while he brutalizes someone or leaving them confined until they beg to be let out. He's drugging them so they're too out of it to try running. He's keeping their family at arm's length and he's not above going after them if it means he can get what he wants. I say that he won't outright hit his Darling but he'll do pretty much everything else. Ffs this is the man who tortured a teenage girl to near death and who killed an entire wing of a hospital just to get access to his father.

Both of them DO view what they're feeling as love, but they have a very different and fucked up way of showing it. Joker DOES sometimes have a weird affection for Harley that he can't explain and doesn't like acknowledging, but it isn't love. In No Man's Land when she goes off on her own and is distant towards him, he actually finds himself wanting her around. I like versions of their relationship where Joker feels...something. Not love because he's incapable of it. But something that he can't really feel with anyone else.

Roman on the other hand does feel love, but he's a violent and angry mob boss who will prioritize himself over Darling's freedom and well-being 99% of the time. But he won't take any kind of comparisons to himself and Joker. For one, he keeps his girl safe and doesn't slap her around the way Joker does with his girlfriend-cum-sidekick. He doesn't string Darling along the way Joker does with Harley and her desire for a truly loving relationship.

Also Roman doesn't neglect Darling emotionally or sexually the way Joker does Harley. Like if Darling hopped on Roman's desk in lingerie and wanted to "ride her favorite Italian stallion", he would throw everything he was doing out the window. If she appeared naked out of a tub filled with pudding, he's gonna lick it all off and fuck her so much that the cleaning staff won't tell what's coom and what's vanilla.

Also even with a wooden lacquer mask melted to his face, he can still eat pussy better than Joker. Not a high bar to pass but still. He's the only one allowed to joke about Darling getting a splinter down there tho

#thots #.dc #.arkhamverse #yandere dc #yandere arkhamverse #.black mask #yandere black mask #.myshit

[call-memissbrightside]

“He hurts you.”

Tomura Shigaraki’s voice is clear and loud in the empty alleyway.

“He hurts you, and you still stay.”

The young man knows he shouldn’t care. About you or your situation or your shitty relationship. You weren’t even his friend, just someone he games with on occasion. Yet—

“Why do you stay? That’s the part I don’t get.” He tilts his head at the question, looking down at your bruised face that was downcast.

You couldn’t look at him.

Running into Tomura late at the convenient store wasn’t a scenario you pictured happening yet here you were, your purchased 99 cent ramen forgotten.

He had seen everything. The cut on your lip, how your eye was nearly swollen shut, the bruises on your neck that looked like hands.

This wasn’t the first time Shigaraki had seen you beaten. He picked up on how you would limp around at times, he’d notice the heavy makeup on your face trying to desperately hide what was underneath.

As a villain, it can be argued that he doesn’t know right from wrong. Yet, Shigaraki knows that your boyfriend abusing you just doesn’t sit well with him.

“Does he promise that he’ll change? That he’ll never do it again?” You cringe at his teasing tone, tears gathering in your eyes.

“Yet, he never keeps that promise…does he?” Tomura isn’t thinking when he carefully cups your cheek in his calloused hand — mindful of lifting his pinky.

Raising your face to meet him straight on, you begin to cry.

“That’s none of your business,” you bite back.

It doesn’t scare him off like it’s intended to do, instead Shigaraki just smiles, the skin pulling painfully since that wasn’t something he did often.

“Yet, you’re still here with me.” He points out.

You hate his taunting, and slap his hand away from your face. Tomura’s hand stings, but he just can’t stop now.

“Come with me.”

Without thinking of the consequences, or the questions he’d have to face. Because Tomura remembers what you looked like when you weren’t broken down, you were beautiful to him. Your laughter would lift his mood, he even let you win some matches if it meant getting you stick around a little longer. Shigaraki could listen to you talk for hours, if you let him.

Months of online chatter and in-person arcade runs had him falling for you. Your boyfriend would berate and belittle you for the time you’d spend with Tomura, but being with him was like a fresh air. You could have a good time without worrying about getting backhanded for voicing your opinion or laughing obnoxiously without being told to shut up. Days would pass and you’d miss him until you got to see him again. You could never be with him, but now—

“Come with me, and he’ll never hurt you again,” Tomura whispers, pulling your fragile figure against him. Your arms are tight around his waist as you sob against his chest.

Tomura feels something in his chest, maybe sorrow or anger, but whatever it is, he just wants to protect you.

“I promise, with me, you’ll never hurt like this again.”

He stares off, chin resting on your head as you cry against him. Tomura thinks of ways to teach your shitty now ex-boyfriend some manners, but he’d get you home first.

“Really?” You ask.

He can’t help but scoff, but it’s understandable as to why you’d be hesitant. You had a history of being lied to.

You pulled away to look up at him, and Tomura looked down at you.

“I promise.”

#shigaraki angst #tomura shigaraki x reader #shigaraki x you #tomura shigaraki #shigaraki x reader #my hero academia shigaraki

[dreamsandscenes]

My Thoughts On

FINN SHELBY

* Spoilers ahead for S1 - S6 of Peaky Blinders *

The way that Finn as a character was pushed aside and rendered useless 99% of the time is a shame. I wish Steven Knight had had different plans for him (or just any good plans at all would’ve been nice).

I do find the age gap between Finn and all the other siblings a bit too much. If we’re going by the wiki ages, which make sense within the show, Finn was born in 1908. This also must be his birth year, since in season 1 of the show, he says he’s about to be 11, and S1 starts in 1919. His oldest sibling, Arthur, was already 21, Tommy was 18, John was 13, and Ada was 11 when he was born. I can only imagine that the Shelby parents started having kids in their teens, because the age gap is massive. It would’ve made more sense for Finn to be Arthur or Tommy’s son, rather than their brother with that age gap.

It also drives a bit of a wedge between the older siblings and Finn, because Arthur, Tommy, John and Ada all grew up together. They experienced their difficult childhood together. Finn didn’t. Maybe this is part of the reason why I don’t see the same bond between Finn and his siblings as they all have with each other. Don’t get me wrong, they all loved him. I never doubted that. But as Finn grew into a man, I did wonder if all of them actually liked him.

We also know that Mrs Shelby died when Finn was a baby, and Mr Shelby left the family shortly after. Finn never had parents, but he had substitutes for those roles.

Polly was the only mother he ever knew. She raised him. That being said though, it did seem like when Michael came back into her life, Polly put Finn on the back burner. We didn’t really see much of them together at all, apart from in season 1. I don’t even know who Finn lived with in S3/S4, because he was still so young, he had to live with someone. I think Polly cared for him very well when he was a little boy, but once he got into his teens, and Michael was back in the picture, she didn’t seem to care as much. Maybe because he didn’t rely on her to take care of him so much because he was getting older, she took a step back, but I honestly don’t know why she didn’t seem to have more of an active role in his life from S2 onwards. Maybe we should just say it was a poor writing decision.

Both Arthur and Tommy seemed to fill the fatherly role in Finn’s life. They both looked out for him when they could. They, along with John when he got old enough, made sure to financially support Finn, and give him more than they had growing up. That being said, they weren’t the best role models. I mean, Finn was already doing cocaine at 13/14, something at least Tommy was apparently aware of. Granted, they didn’t necessarily understand the issues with cocaine at the time, but people knew it was a drug, and kids obviously shouldn’t be doing drugs, so I don’t know if Tommy should get a pass for that less than fantastic big brother behaviour.

After John’s death, Finn is clearly brought more into the Peaky Blinders fold, to fill the hole that John left behind. Unfortunately though, Finn lacked the ruthlessness that John had. He could never quite measure up. Perhaps because he never had to fight to get by, like his big brothers did, he didn’t have that drive to succeed. He just kind of skated by the whole time. He didn’t have the aptitude for violence that John had, so he disappointed Tommy/Arthur when it came to Peaky business because he couldn’t handle it, but that’s not really something I would blame Finn for. That’s more on his brothers for expecting & hoping that he’d be like John. Tbh, I don’t know why they didn’t just make him handle legitimate business, rather than the criminal stuff, because he clearly wasn’t suited to it.

I can’t really say a lot about his relationship with Ada, because I don’t remember any significant scenes between them, apart from the scene in 5x01 where Finn gets shot and talks to Ada for minute after the bullet is removed. It’s pretty brief though. You’d think he’d have more scenes with his only sister, and I think it could’ve been interesting to see the difference between his relationship with her versus his relationship with his older brothers, who he always felt like he had something to prove to.

In S6, we see that he gets married to a woman named Mary. We know nothing about Mary. She’s in maybe 2 scenes. We know nothing about their relationship. There’s no development or love story for them. I truly don’t know why this was included in the show because it added absolutely nothing. I can only assume that the marriage might have some sort of relevance in the movie. If it doesn’t, I just don’t see the point in including it all. It was a meaningless moment.

His friendship with Billy Grade is ultimately the thing that ruins him. He quickly becomes close friends with Billy when they work together. He trusted Billy, because he was always more trusting than his brothers, so he told him things he shouldn’t have.

By the time we get to the end of S6, where he has to choose between shooting Billy, or saving him by shooting Duke or Isiah, he has been friends with Billy for years. It doesn’t really feel like that as a viewer because of the time jumps between seasons, but Billy was presumably his best friend by that point. With that in mind, was I supposed to be surprised that he tried to shoot Duke to save Billy? He didn’t know Duke. Duke meant nothing to him. Isiah used to be his friend, but they seem to have drifted apart as they got older. Obviously he wasn’t going to choose Duke, or Isiah, over his friend.

If Tommy and Arthur were in that room, instead of Duke and Isiah, I think things would’ve happened differently. When faced with a choice between his brothers and his friend, I think he would’ve chosen his brothers. I definitely don’t think he would’ve ever pointed a gun at either of them or tried to shoot them. But when faced with a guy he barely knew and a friend he wasn’t that close to anymore, he chose Billy. Yes, Billy was an informant, albeit a reluctant one, but he wasn’t only that to Finn.

Do I think he deserved to be disowned by the family at the end of S6 for this decision? No. I think he should’ve been punished in some way, and moved to the legitimate side of the business, because he simply wasn’t smart enough to handle the criminal side of things. I just find it hard to imagine the Shelby’s disowning one of their own, even one that does stupid stuff like Finn. That’s still their baby brother. I don’t like that as Finn’s ending in the show. It was bad enough when SK turned Michael into an antagonist; I don’t want to see Finn meet the same fate in the movie.

I’m really hoping Finn isn’t an antagonist in the PB movie. I really don’t want to see that. I don’t think that one situation with Billy would fully turn Finn against his family anyway. Against Duke maybe, but not his brothers. If he is one of the villains in the movie, I’m going to be disappointed. I’d rather see his final ending in the movie be him coming back into the family, and in some way finally earning the approval of his brothers. Perhaps he could do the whole double agent thing, where the audience thinks he’s a villain, but he’s actually helping his family. I don’t know, I just want more from him as a character than an antagonist storyline.

That’s kind of the way I felt about Finn the entire series; I just wanted more from him. He was always falling a bit short as a character for me. Never quite hitting the mark. I hope that he can finally reach his potential in the movie.

#this may seem like I hate Finn but I don’t #I don’t hate any of the Shelby’s #I have a lot of issues with how sloppily he was written though #peaky blinders #Finn Shelby #tommy shelby #Arthur Shelby #John Shelby #Ada Shelby #Polly gray #my thoughts on #my post

[rosietaeyongswife]

send my love | mark lee

SEND MY LOVE PARING: mark lee x reader GENRE: angst, established relationship, break up WC: 6k SUMMARY: high school gave you a lot of opportunities to meet a lot of people and one of them was your beloved boyfriend. mark never failed you make you laugh or smile. he was your sunshine in life who leads you happily through it. but years passed and both of you were stuck as boyfriend-girlfriend while all your old high school friends were now about to get married. mark promised you marriage and wedding ring one day. as days passed you knew it was a lie and mark’s inmaturity made you go mad everytime you were talking. TW: alcohol consumption, cursing, gaslighting, mentions of sex, abortion READ HERE 

“mark.” browned haired gut was too busy to notice you. “mark lee.”

“what?” he didn’t even look at you. “i can’t right now. i am playing.”

“you’ve been playing for six hours now. can you help me with our place? it’s so dirty and we don’t have anything for dinner.”

“i can’t now. give me ten minutes babe.”

  mark was still playing overwatch like his life depends on it. headshet on his head and pc on was your view of him for past few years. you could hear haechan’s voice through the headphones your boyfriend had on. sigh was all you could do because mark won’t help you at all. as always.

   thing with mark lee was that he could play all day long. he could ignore you. he wouldn’t help you that much as you expected. while moving on together, you were excited for new adventure in your life because starting adults life with your lover is something everyone expect in their life at some point. well, no one told you how hard life living with man is. mark doesn’t understand he needs to help you in regular chores or basic life skills. whatever you told him to do, he end up messing it up because none of his parents ever cared to teach him basic chores because he was a “boy”.

  mark lee also didn’t want to think about adult life for real. he didn’t understand money or saving money. new game? he bought it. new pc’s set? bought. both of you couldn’t let yourselfs for such a treats since he works in office not at well paid place and you are teacher in kindergarten. some furnitures in your flat are broken but mark never tried to fix them or tried to call a service.

“and i am done with a game. what should i do?” mark walked over to you while hugging you from the back. “i can do whatever you want.”

“i did it myself.” you rolled yor eyes. “we don’t have dinner so you can go for a chicken for us tonight.”

“got it babe.”

  five minutes. ten minutes. fiveteen minutes. twenty minutes. an hour.

  an hour passed since mark went for your dinner and you were growing inpatient since you were mad hungry. your boyfriend didn’t answer your calls and you was already bothered because something might happened. last thing possible to do was to call one of his friends.

“haechan? do you know maybe where’s mark?”

“oh hey y/n. yeah, he is here and play with me and jeno.” he laughed. “why?”

“are you kidding me? can you pass me to him?”

“sure.”

“mark, what the actual fuck are you doing at haechan’s?”

“shit.” he stood up with phone in his hand. “my bad, i forgot. fuck, i’ll be home in a few just wait.”

  your boyfriend was hanging out with his friends while you were starving in your house worried about him.

“don’t fuckin come home tonight. stay with them and play your dumb ass games.”

  you hung up on him and sighed. while mark choose to ignore it and do as you said, you ordered some chicken to your place and wanted to burst out crying. such a small things like that made you sick to your stomach because you knew you can never count on mark. whenever somethings happened he’s never there or let you down with littiest things ever. even once he forgot to pick you up from daegu and you had to wait three hours on a staion for a train. 

  but back in your high school times mark was the prettiest, the most talented and the nicest guy ever. everyone literally loved mark lee from year ‘99. mark was always the purest soul and even teacher setted him as a good example of a student and a child. parents of all years knew about him and compared their kids to him. he also was innocent person and love was so new and weird to him no one was surprised until.. until he saw you during your class preentation on a big day at school. you were so pretty and the way you talked to your teammates was amazing. jeno and jaemin made fun of him for a long time because whenever they talked about fameous y/n, he would blush as crazy. second time you impressed him was during school’s sports day. you were leader of volleyball team with your grade and you won. also, jury gave you mvp award since you was so good. the way you were humble about it and had never made big deal out of it made mark lee fall crazy in love with you. 

  let’s say haechan helped him be ready to meet you. and yes, he kinda made fool of himself since he was stuttering a lot and told you awkward compliments but it didn’t matter. you also liked mark. he was your crush ever since you started school. perfect match for both of you.

“honey, please don’t be mad at me.” mark was trying to unlock the lock of your bedroom’s door. “please. i know i fucked up but you didn’t have to get me out of the house.”

“are you even surprised?” you hissed. “you do nothing here. always let me down with everything and you still have issues with me?”

“well, maybe you just overreacting? i pay most of the bills here and work my ass of for both of us and you are mad because i didn’t help you clean?”

  it was whole mark lee. he had never admitted when he was wrong. never take resposability.

“it’s not about just cleaning! it’s about overall.”

“just let me in.”

  tired of his loudness, you opened the door and you were met with his puppy eyes which always made you give in. 

“i’m too tired to talk with you. i have to go to work.”

“wait. you still have an hour to go.”

“so what?” you demanded. “we can talk later unless we will talk at all.”

“ok, i am sorry.” mark muttered. “i shouldn’t leave you yesterday. haechan just called while i was near the restaurant and i have told him i can’t but he have kept going. my bad.”

“so it was haechan’s fault?”

“kinda.” mark hugg you. “i am sorry, i’ll never do it again. let’s just forget and live peacfuly, alright?”

  the way he was looking at you with his eyes you couldn’t do nothing else but agree. 

“sure. but don’t do it again.” you hugged him back. “and help me more.”

“yes sir.”

  tons of kiss lend on your neck, collarbones, chest and tummy. all your arguments always ended up with make up sex. no matter what sex was only thing mark has never missed or fucked up which sometimes made you overthink. was he using you? why he won’t do anything you asked but that? does he even love you?

“do you want me to drive you?”

“yes, please.”

  while driving mark told you a lot of funny stories he had ever experienced with his friends and you were laughing and crying because of how funny they were. mark lee never fails to make you laugh. that was one of the things why you loved him. 

  as soon as mark found place to park at parking lot in front of building of kindergarten he couldn’t help but stare at children going and running around with their parents chasing them and trying to calm them down. 

“one day it will be us who would walk our kids to school, you know?”

  mark looked at you seriously and you could smile. you always knew he was good with kids and always wanted one but you weren’t really believing him. he was saying same thing for past six years of you dating. majority of your friends are married or have children. they found peace in life and are growing as people. but you? mark always feed you with sweet, little lies but never commit to them.

“aren’t you saying that all the time whenever some kid passes by?”

“i am for real. really.” he raised his eyebrows. “we will have amazing children. just imagine us on a date with kids by some lake. mini us running all around the place making mess.”

“hold up, let’s not get there.”you giggled at your boyfriend. “i need to go. bye.”

  children going around and screaming at the top of your lungs is something you get used to because past two years taught you everything you should know about kids. they were little devils well, not all of them but majority. children were also cruel to each other which made you shocked at first. they are scary but you have to get through it after all. being mom is also scary at that point.

“ya! park haesoo why did you hit her?” you were looking at little boy standing in front of you with big smile while little girl was crying. “can you answer?”

“she deserves that. dan is dumb.”

“you can’t hit other kids and call them names. it’s very bad and it’s not acceptable.” you hissed. “bow and apologize to her.”

“i don’t want to.”

“park haesoo, i will call your parents if you don’t apologize to dan. do you want to get minus points because of your bad behaviour? instead of ten you will lose twenty.”

“i am sorry dan.”

  little boy bowed down and walked away while dan was crying. you were little bit worried because she got hit on the face with plastic toy which causes a lot of pain. sometimes you wished you could punch some of the children here since their parents don’t care if their kids behave in a bad way. 

  while getting kids ready for lunch you felt sudden need to vommit. you run to the nearest toilet and threw up. you must eat something or you got food poisoning. some co-workers looked at you worried but you let them know it’s nothing serious.

“wait. park jisung got on his knees and he proposed to you?”

“yes! i can not believe my little jisung did that. i was so surprised i haven’t answered for two minutes and he almost take it as a no.” your friend giggled. “you don’t even know how happy i am to be his wife. i mean, fiance for now but still i am getting married.”

“when-”

“in a two months. jisung have talked with out parents and everyone agreed we want to do it as fast as it’s possible.”

“wow. congratulations for both of you! after four years of dating your boyfriend finally made a big step. i am so proud.” you hugged her. “i don’t know what else should i say. good luck! fighting!”

  deep inside you felt like a knife went down your spine and you were struggling to catch a break and felt betrayed. of course, marriage of your friend and mark’s friend was amazing but jisung was the youngest among mark’s squad. only mark, haechan and jeno are one without wives, children or fiance title. jeno was single most of the time, haechan is player and mark is.. mark. even jisung is going to get married. you wished it was you but it’s seems like mark isn’t ready for big step.

“believe me y/n, when i got to know jisung is going to propose to yuna i was like dude, what the fuck. aren’t you dating for four years, and he just nodded with a biggest smile i have ever seen. it’s so unreal our jisung is going to be husband soon.”

  mark was laughing while you were looking with empty gaze at the tv. grip on your tv remmote was only tightening with every more second of mark’s laugh.

“why is it funny to you? majority of our friends are married while we still stuck at that boyfriend-girlfriend stage for past six years, mark.” you sighed. “don’t you think it’s weird?”

“honey, i told you so many times our time will come.” mark laughed. “i can’t understand why you’re so obsessive about it. even if we would be together for ten years would it be wrong? not married at all?”

“i’m-”

“exactly. we will get married one day but not now. we still need time for us. for our youth. we have time y/n. don’t need to rush anything.”

  mark was right at some point but it was upsetting you. mark always do you like that, whenever you try to talk he will shut you up quickier than you have ever spoke. of course, you understood where he’s coming from but you were getting worried. whenever you saw relationship advicies and psychology, instagram posts about it, twitter and truth about relationships, youtube vlogs and damned tiktok where people explain it to young women. if after a long term relationship he hasn’t proposed yet - he doesn’t take you seriously. thoughts like that was bothering you to the maxium of your limit. 

“are you taking me seriously?” mark almost popped his eyes. “us? that whole relationship? i am asking you for real so be honest with me. i want to know the truth.”

“y/n, i love you truly. i have always loved you and i take you seriously. don’t start your paranoia because it’s really messed up. maybe you’re too stressed lately? you’re getting annoyed and mad at slightest of things.”

“mhm.”

  you didn’t have to answer mark because there was nothing else for you to say. but again, mark was right. you are getting worked up over smallest things lately. even too loud phone alarm is getting on your nevers to the point you almost crushed your phone few times. 

  at the night you woke up and run to the toilet because of sudden stomach pain and need to vommit again. mark got scared when you basically jumped out the bed and rushed to the toilet so he followed you just to find you on your knees by toilet. he got scared for a second.

“are you fine?”

  you had to take few breathes to answer him.

“yes, i mean i feel little bit sick. i suppose i got stomach poisoning.” mark hummed and got you towel. “you can go back and i will brush my teeth real quick.”

“i can wait for you.” you nodded and flushed the toilet. “are you sure it’s nothing serious? maybe take a day off?”

“i am.” you rolled your eyes. “i can’t take days off, mark.”

  mark nodded and watched you doing your thing. he was always worried about you no matter what so of course he was scared when you told him about food poisoning but if you let him know it’s nothing serious he stopped being overprotective and just got back to the bed together with you.

“i bought a new dollhouse.” small girl touched your hand. “do you want to see pictures? please.”

“of course, hana.” you smiled at her. “show me.”

  girl with two high ponytails goes up to you with biggest grin and pink phone showing you proudly her dollhouse her parents bought for her fourth birthday. it was pink and looked expensive but her parents were doctors so you weren’t surprised. the way she was talking about it made your day ten times better. some kids aren’t that scary.

“my mum promised me we will buy other accesories for it and few other dolls. would you like to see them once i get them?”

“yes! come here and showe me when you will have your dream toys, hana.”

  she ran off with little giggles. hana was one of the nicest kid here. she was one of the few who didn’t caused problems. 

  two weeks passed and you felt little bit worse. vommiting was something you had to get used to since every morning you have morning sickness. you haven’t told no one, not even mark knew because you were scared. everytime you woke up with urge to throw up, you get out the bed queitly and always close all the door for mark to not hear a sound. the worst thing was period getting late for far more than you expected. you totally forgot since you had a lot of work but as you’re looking at it you felt bad. 

“what are you saying?” yuna splited her coffee out. “i can not belive it. are you pregnant, girl?”

“i don’t know! lord, please don’t do me like that. i can not be, not now.” you held your hands like you were praying. “i am not ready, we are not ready.”

“have you taken a test?”

“no, i am too afraid to do it.” your voice was shaking. “what do i do if i am? i can not give a birth now, not when we and mark are on bad terms lately.”

  yuna was looking at you with sad smile. she knew about mark and every fight you had, and even tho she was going to marry his best friend she stated it to you - break up with mark lee. she was the one who was convincing you to break up because of all the shit he had done. mark was still a child and nothing is going to change that. yuna’s heart ached since she knew it and being pregnant only make things worse.

“let’s go. we are going to buy a test and we will find out, y/n.”

“yuna, i-”

“i said let’s go.”

  thirty minutes later after shopping at pharmacy and after buiying four different tests you were sitting in bathroom while yuna was in the living room waiting for you to come and announce the results. both of you were praying to god for best.

“yuna.” 

  your small voice made yuna get up from the chair she was sitting at and stare at you. you were holding all the tests in your hands and you were literally shaking.

“two lines.” she whispered. “fuck.”

“i’m going to cry.”

  you sat down on the couch while yuna was too busy thinking. 

“do you want that baby?” you wiped your tears with hand. “you said you’re not ready and don’t want a child for now. also, you said you’re young. do you want to keep the baby?”

  yuna’s question made you freeze. all the things she said was truth since you told her about it many times. 

“no! of course i don’t want to. it’s a mistake i can not have a baby right now.”

“i know place and very good and highly recommended healh clinic when you can have abortion done. we would have to go together to the doctor who would tell you everything and what month is it.” you were breathing harder. “if you’re sure as fuck, then you can get rid of it. i am sure it’s first months.”

“what about mark? should i tell him?” yuna was about to answer. “no. i won’t. he would make me keep the baby. it’s my body. can we get there as fast as possible?”

“my sister’s husband works there so he can make an appointment even today.”

“perfect.”

  yuna helped you get ready and your heart was beating while doing so. everything is a mess in your head and you can’t think straight. you were sure you don’t want a child but thing that was bothering you was mark. how is he going to react when you tell him?

  small clinic was fivteen kilometers away from your home. during ride to that place you were getting nervous. money? you had them enough for it. even if you will be starving for a months you are not changing your mind at all. your friend tried to support you as much as she could, she knows you well and for both of you it was the best decission you could ever had made.

“you’re one month pregnant y/n.” a guy with a beard smiled at you. “everything seems fine. we can do it even today if you’re sure. there would be 500$ for everything including pain killers. if you’re not ready we can find a date for you.”

“i am. i want to do it today, please.”

“sure. come with me, and your friend can wait here in waiting room.”

“you may kiss the bride.”

  everyone was screaming when yuna and jisung kissed in front of every guest invited to their wedding. jisung’s friends were laughing while yuna’s friends including you, were clapping the hardest they can. today is yuna’s day. your best friend is going to be wife and her relationship with jisung upgraded to another level.

   sadly, you couldn’t quite say the same about you and mark. instead of working out your relationship, everything got more complicated. none of you spoke to each other for days before one of you break the character and apologize first. mark was hanging out with his friends more frequently and everytime you bring this up he will find tons of excuses. 

“our little jisung got married!” haechan was screaming at top of his lungs. “i am so happy for you man. i didn’t know what should i say for speach today. i was looking for inspiration for the longest time ever. and guess what. i found ton of bullshit.” everyone laughed at him including you and mark. “i don’t wan to sugar talk to both of you. i want to say honest words i could ever think of. i have never ever expected our jisung to be married before me or mark. how did that happened? just few years ago you were a child and now you start your own family. treat yuna right or she and we will whoop your ass. as your hyung, i am proud of you. i am proud of person you became and how mature you are now. even if you’re married, don’t change too much and still be our jisungie.”

  guests were clapping at haechan’s speech. his words came right from his heart and everyone seemed to be touched by it since he is never serious. moment almost felt magical. few other people gave their speeches and after all they could finally dance. yuna looked the happiest ever and your heart was pounding by the view and you didn’t notice when tears of happines were going down your face.

“are you crying?” mark giggled and hug you. “our best friends got married. it’s fine to cry.”

“oh, shut up mark.” you hit him on the thigh. “yuna is married, i can not believe it. look at them, they’re so happy.”

“yes, they are.” he kissed your cheek. “do you think we will be that happy during our wedding?”

  question made you stare at the floor with teary eyes.

“propably yes. at least we should, mark.”

  mark didn’t have to answer you since you were too busy recording first dance on your phone while your boyfriend was talking with his friends. 

   already five hours passed and most of the guests also passed out because of alcohol since wedding was like a big party with relatives. few uncles of jisung and yuna asked you to dance which you agreed to and now your legs ached. aunts were ready to gossip about everyone and spilled some tea about family members. even “caitlyn”, rich yuna’s aunt was talking with you and gave you one of her purses since she had too much of them. mark was also talking with family members and was busy drinking with his friends.

“honey, can we go to the hotel?” mark was mumbling to your ear. “i am too drunk and it’s getting boring here. i have few ideas.”

“what ideas?” you raised an eyebrow. “i am not ready for any ideas.”

“trust me, y/n.”

  with that words everything happened as it usually does. kissing while on the way to the bedroom and that lead to another things. you haven’t planed to have sex tonight since abortion you was scared to do so.

“do you have condom?” you asked breaking the kiss.

“yes, here.”

   morning was pretty at the sunday. it was past ten already and mark was still sleeping and will propably wake up with hangover so you got medications and water for him ready. at least that’s what you could do to help him. hotel sent you some breakfast so you tried to wake up mark but he was too stubborn.

“not now, please.”

“mark, breakfast is ready. get your ass and let’s go eat.”

“i don’t want to-”

“what a baby.” you hissed and took duvet out of him. “you have one minute and i want to see you in the living room.”

  mark was literally big child. he had never matured and it was giving you hard time while dealing with him. you didn’t want much but for mark to focus on both of you. not on his friends or stupid games but you two. 

  at the same time you were anxious while around him. nor you or yuna have told anyone about events that happened two months before. first few days you just got up early and went straight to kindergarten even if you were first one to arrive. after week you could live peacful since you put your thoughts together but you can’t help but feel guilt. mark was father of the fetus you got rid of and at least he should know. he should yet you weren’t ready to tell him. majority of time it was mark who fucks up but that time it was you with much worse thing than he have ever done.

  you couldn’t just sit him down one day and tell him everything.

“oh my god, waffles!”

  mark excitment brought smile to your lips.

“yeah with maple syroup.”

“damn, i haven’t eaten waffles with syroup in ages. dude, it’s so good.”

  after breakfast you got your things and decided to go back home. yuna and jisung had to stay with their families and do other things so you went to say goodbye and went on a way back home which will take less than two hours.

  days went by and you were done with everything. work is getting worse since more and more children go to school and they are rude, mark is busy with boys and yuna is out with jisung for a long time. you basicaly left alone with your thoughts that are getting worse. more and more you think about relationship with mark and issues. including abortion you were nerve wrecking. all you could think was that and it drives you crazy. 

  loud smack woke you up in the night. you get out the bedroom just to see mark all shaking and with tears running down his pretty face. a lot of thoughs get to your mind expecting the worst.

“mark? what happened?” you came closer. “mark calm down.”

  mark was breathing hard and you tried yout best.

“i was with jeno and, and.” he had to take a breath. “with jeno and i, we-” he couldn’t get words out. “we were fighting. fighting with jeno.” he was mumbling. “i think i broke his nose. i, i don’t know..” 

“where’s jeno? what happened. mark you need to calm down and explain everything to me, alright?” 

“at his home. i am sorry i didn’t mean to punch him i-” tears were rolling down his cheek. “i was mad because he was braging about me and i, i had to.”

“oh mark.” you hugged him. “go take a shower, and try to relax. fights happen, it’s not a big deal but you didn’t have to punch him.” you looked at him. “let’s talk to jeno in the morning? both of you should talk about it like adults.”

“what if he is mad angry? i broke his nose, and i, i was mean.”

“mark, jeno and you are friends for the longest time ever. just trust me and do everything as i told you to.”

“thank you y/n. i love you.”

“love you too.”

  mark was gone in the bathroom while you were sitting down on your bed waiting for him. mark was never first to use violence since he was rather a calm person. you had no clue what did they talked about which caused mark to snap at his best friend. 

  few minutes passed and mark was next to you in the bed, holding you close to him making both of you warm with touch. 

   ever since jeno’s and mark’s fight everything seemed weird. mark was avoiding you clearly and it was making you overthink. did you do something to upset him? you couldn’t think of answers for that question but wonder what had happened. 

“mark, can you tell me what’s wrong?” mark passed by you. “stop. mind explaining what’s wrong? i am worried about you.”

“nothing’s wrong.” he didn’t even look at you. “i am tired.”

“mark lee, stop being a baby and tell me what’s going on. you avoide me for a week straight. i don’t reacall if i did something wrong. what happened?”

“i don’t want to talk right now. can’t we talk later?”

“no, we can’t. i want answers. ever since fight with jeno, you are acing different and i want to know what’s going on with my boyfriend.” 

  mark finally looked in your eyes.

“are you hiding something from me?” mark’s question made you shiver. “or you haven’t told me something? whatever.”

“no? what are you even talking about? i am always honest with you as you might notice. why you even asking that?”

“are you sure you haven’t told me anything important?”

  you felt like your tongue was cut and you couldn’t find any words.

“i am sure.”

  mark laughed at your response and shaked his head.

“you have a lot of nerv, y/n.” mark was looking at you with grin. “lying straight to my face and gaslighting me into thinking you’re always honest with me. stupid.”

“mark, what the fuck do you mean? i don’t understand what you want from me.”

“i want truth, honey!” he snapped at you. “i want to know why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant. i want to know why you kept it for yourself. why would you abort our baby without me knowing? what the fuck y/n!” he was screaming. “i love you, i really do but what you have done was so selfish and-” he took a breath. “and fucked up. i can’t believe i had to get to know from my friends and not from my own girlfriend.”

  your heart was aching because of your boyfriend’s words. he knows. he knows whole truth and you were sure yuna told everything jisung and he told the rest. mark was looking at you with disapointed gaze.

“because at the end of the day it’s my body. i don’t need your permission for it and besides that.” you looked up. “how would we manage raising a child? a human being? when we can’t even take good care of ourselfs. i don’t know why you’re so mad for it. you’re still an immature guy, mark. can’t you see it?” it was you who screamed now. “i am done with everything. you always find excuses for everything and blame everyone but you. always others had to fix mess you caused and usually it’s me! you cared more about your homies than me. i was there when you were at your worst but where were you when i needed you the most? nowhere to be found.”

“what the fuck? are you kidding me, y/n? now it’s my fault? i am immature? you fuckin killed our baby!”

“it was fetus!”

“it doesn’t fuckin matter. i had right to at least know maybe we would find solution? of course we would! yet you were selfish and did everything your way. look now, who’s immature?” he raised his eyebrows. “you. not my fault or yuna’s, but yours. it was yours choice not ours even tho it was our.. baby. i tried to support you as much as i can and you still tell me i wasn’t!”

“stop with that bullshit. you have never supported me. who helped me when i had gone through stress of work? when i had to go back to london to help my parents? when i was having breakdown due to work?” you were screaming at the top of your lung. “no one! you had never cared. it was only you and your friends. not me and you. you are holding me back, mark. i am running while you are trembling. we are on a different mentality levels, can’t you see?” you massaged your template. “i am ready and serious for a family but with you it’s impossible. look what i have done because of our relationship.”

“it wasn’t like that. my friends were with me and-”

“see? you do it again. excuses. not your fault, huh?” you mocked him. “i am done. our relationship for past few months only gave me headache and doubt. i was ready to commit and you just fool me with your lies. always tell me how you will marry me one day or about our chilldren. bullshit. if you wanted, you would.” mark was frozen on the spot. “you’re right with abortion. i should have let you know. my bad, really i regret that. but our relationship don’t have future. we aren’t kids no more, mark. we have to let go.”

  mark was looking at you with glossy eyes.

“are we breaking up?” you nodded. “wow, after all the things we’ve been through? we sacrificed so much for us to break up now. i love you so much y/n. maybe i was immature but that doesn’t change a thing. i still love you the same way i always did. we can’t end like this.”

“mark it’s too late now. i am ready to move on from us. i am ready to start new life without you in it. i have never imagined we wouldn’t made it to our plans but we have to do it now. we have to let go and start new chapter. withouth each other.”

“y/n, wait we can still think about it.” he was holding you close. “we can, we-” he was sobbing. “i don’t know go to therapy? we can find solution-”

“we can’t. i don’t want to share my life with you no more mark. we hold each other back and that’s the worst we can do to each other.” you pulled out. “please find a woman you will love and treat her better. send my love to her. i guess you need someone else. don’t fuck it up, mark lee.” you kissed him last time. “just know i loved you and you made me the happiest ever. i felt free and joyful with you. i still love you and i won’t forget about you easily.”

  mark could only look at you. that day mark lost love of his life due to his stupid actions. person mark loved the most just left.

  times passes by so fast no one notice. each day we grow and learn something new to us that made us smarter and better person. you were person who was learning a lot day by day and your life wasn’t mess anymore. ever since you and mark ended things between you two, you felt like a brand new person. weight of your shoulders was gone and you felt peacful with yourself after all the situations you’ve been through. 

  mark at the other hand couldn’t put himself together. all that time passed and he was stuck at that one moment and nothing could change that. friends, family or co-workers did their best but it doesn’t work. mark is still stuck in past with you. he misses you everyday and think only about you. it’s you who is stuck on his mind till today. mark didn’t find new lover. mark didn’t move on and wasn’t ready for it.

“mark?”

  voice so familiar, young male thought he was hallucinating when he heard it but as soon as he turned back, your face was smiling at him.

“y/n?”

“yup.”

  mark was quick to be in front of you. he felt like in a dream with you.

“what are you doing here?” he smiled. “oh my god.”

“i wanted to check on you since haechan told me you’re doing pretty bad.” he left out a giggle. “how do you feel, mark?”

“pretty bad. i can’t move on.”

“but you should.” worried face made him smile a little. “you can’t be stuck in a moment.”

“i can not let go. y/n you’re still only thing in my mind and all i can think about is you. a two months passed and i am still wondering about you. please, life’s so fucked when you’re not around. i’d do anything to have you back.”

#nct angst #nct imagine #nct mark #nct sceanrios #nct imagines #nct au #nct fanfiction #nct fic #nct fanfic #mark #mark lee #marklee #mark au #mark lee au #mark lee scenarios #mark scenarios #mark lee imagines #mark imagines #marklee au #angst #kpop angst #mark lee angst #mark angst #adele #playlist #spotify

[emptifylie]

fuck guys. i don’t want to die. as painful as it is to live like this i don’t want to die because of anorexia or my drugs addiction.most of the time, i try not to think about how this all effects my body, besides making me thinner. lately it feels impossible not to think about it. a few weeks ago i threw up blood 3 days in a row-but i was also drinking a lot all those days so idk. today i passed out for the first time in my life and i thought i was gonna die. everyday when i smoke it feels harder and harder to breathe. i have these weird and horrible, sharp, painful sensations in my heart. i feel weak 99% of the time. i starve most days out of the month, last month i only ate 5 days. i’m on day 11 of my fast and somehow i still don’t know when i’m going to stop. i never really look at the end goal so much, i like to focus on doing what is best for me in this moment. i don’t think i can do this anymore. i don’t want to keep getting sicker and sicker until i die but i don’t see how i could possibly stop after all i’ve been through. maybe i could take a break off drugs for a little while if i try my hardest, but how am i going to ever eat again like a human being. it’s so hard and it feels like no one gets it. the fact that i need to eat to survive but eating makes me feel like i’m the most suicidal, ugly, fat, depressed person in the world. the fact that i used to like who i was when i was sober but i can’t imagine being that person anymore after everything that’s happened. how am i ever gonna be the same? i’m so fucking sick of it man. i just want to function. that’s all i want. i don’t want my body to give up on me so soon. i could turn it around if i could just live like this a little longer.

god even after saying all this my mind is telling me that i’m not thin enough to be worried about death.

#eating diary #disorderd eating #only pro for tags #tw ed sheeran #4n4rexia #4n0rexic #4n4m1a #4n4t1ps #4na thoughts #4na fast #4na vent #4narex1a #4namia #4norexla #not pr0 4na #pro a4a #pro 4na #pr0 3d #n0t pr0 #4nam1a #4norexi4 #4n0r3x14 #ana rant #ana trigger #an0rexic #ana rules

[loosesodamarble]

Hi Erika? 💕

What about 1, 20 and 26 for that fandom ask game you just posted?

Hi Lola? (I'm trying to match your energy with the question mark, though I wonder if that was an accidental punctuation...)

Thanks for the questions. Now let's get the salt pouring, folks~!/lh+j

1. What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

So I will lead this answer with the following statement: 99% of the time, I can objectively get why people have the OTP that they do. The logic and reasoning for the ship can be written out for me and I can understand that. It's just that I would have little to no emotional investment in it. In a way, the ships I list are only ships that I don't emotionally get.

With that said...

(puts on a suit of armor)

A necessary precaution for the hornet's nest I'm about to strike.

Black Clover: Dorothy x Nozel. Mereoleona x Yami. Secre x Asta. Jack x Yami. Ichika x Ryuuya. Vanessa x Nozel.

Demon Slayer: Douma x Shinobu. Akaza x Kyoujurou.

Hero Aca: Katsuki x Shouto x Izuku (that whole triangle in any combination).

A:tLA: Zutara. Toph x Satoru (that one dude in the comics with the factory).

Again, I can see where these ships are coming from objectively (like thematically or logic of character bonds). My heart is just apparently made of stone when faced with these OTPs. I'm sorry. And that's where the discussion is ending.

(Also I have a lot more BC ships that I don't get because it's the fandom I'm actually invested in.)

20. What is the purest ship in the fandom?

Lolopechka x Gadjah.

Both in-universe and on a meta fandom level, this ship is very pure.

Gadjah is the loyal guard to the queen who sees Lolo for everything she is: a regal queen, an unsure woman still coming into her own, a clumsy sweetheart, and a soul dedicated to her kingdom and her friends. Lolopechka is the benevolent queen who puts more trust in Gadjah than anyone else, even the other Spirit Guardians. It's clear she thinks highly of him too since his confession got her so worked up. Maybe it's just her being awkward but I'm pretty sure the intended understand is that she's thrown off by the man she loves saying he loves her too.

And in the fandom, I've never encountered anything negative about the ship. Most people support the couple. And even when shipping them (mostly Lolo) with other characters, there's never any dissing of the other character. It's smaller ship with side characters and so that make it easier for the fandom to treat the ship respectfully.

26. Most shippable character?

Finral Roulacase.

Ship him with Yami or Finesse or Vanessa or Gauche (I've heard in passing in once) or Kirsch or just anyone.

My obvious favorite option is Finesse. But one of my mutuals (@/sailor-muno [currently inactive for reasons]) has an oc (Mallory) she ships with Finral and FinMal has a permanent corner of my mind for itself. Legit, I had to shake my hands to get all my jitters out because I got to chance to bring Mallory up! BUT ALSO! Nacht x Finral. I... this pair has something to it that I just need to have. They're both big brother and failures in the eyes of somebody and they're both tired of the BB's antics and Yami causes them stress and-! AASJHFLJKAHETHAEIUTHUIAEHKBJRHLGIU!

Finral has an energy that works well with a lot of characters because he is so often playing the straight man to the wildness of others. And even when he's the weirder one in the couple (see Finral x Finesse), he's still a grounded person whose moments of wildness can bring excitement into a "quiet" relationship.

#questions from the ask box #ask game #soda asides #sun shiny kalola #also i'm not tagging any fandoms or other stuff in this post #i'm not about to incite anything here

[rivetgoth]

Honestly being FTM & like. transitioning and passing and living as a man in my daily life but also being visibly GNC is such an isolating experience in the damn community fr. Everyone talks about GNC trans men as monolithically pre-everything. “Support GNC trans men, it’s valid to have boobs! it’s valid to not be on T!” etc etc, while the majority of transitioning trans men are like. Short masc haircuts, masc men’s clothes, talking abt the gym and wanting to be perceived as manly and venting abt their hair growing out too long and often their disdain for femininity tbqh… I’m sorry but there is never ever any space for trans men who are perceived as gender nonconforming/effeminate men. All trans man discourse is either “is it valid to be a trans man who looks like a woman?” or “how do I look more like the most normal cis[het] man ever?” and I never ever ever see space for men who have been on T for years who have undergone surgery and plan to get more who have long hair who wear jewelry who get called faggots by strangers who have full beards who wear women’s clothing. Etc etc etc.

I think in particular being alternative/a rivethead/goth really doesn’t help cuz I do think that goth/industrial male style is pretty unique in that you’re apart of a community FULL of men who are just as nonconforming as you and who often aren’t even “queer”/LGBT, it’s not even necessarily considered GNC in those spaces in the same way it is in mainstream society, like I don’t consider people like Peter Steele or Nivek Ogre or Robert Smith wildly “GNC” really, not to the point that that’s the first way I’d describe them, and none of them are [openly] queer, but I swear to god 99% ov the time when transmasc spaces talk about being “GNC” they include a ton of traits that these guys have… whereas I could not count on both my fingers & toes the amount of guys I see with long hair or jewelry or whatever every single time I go to goth night or a concert or whatever. I passed in goth clubs bathrooms before I passed anywhere else for real like it feels so foreign to see trans guys talk about what constitutes GNC or not when I’m legit often dressed more masculine than my male peers but fall into every single category they consider GNC or fem… I don’t even really consider myself “fem” but I think I’m objectively GNC because of my style and mannerisms, I’m GNC in my behavior even when I’m dressing more masculine in ways that I couldn’t suppress if I tried/I wouldn’t want to anyway, I don’t mind my effeminate mannerisms and I cannot express that not a single one of these effeminate mannerisms stop me from passing, and I’m consistently just read as a gay or effeminate man… except maybe the few times I’ve been mistaken for a trans woman 🤪

IDK. I have the goth community that’s what matters I guess but damn, it’s crazy how something like that can isolate you from the mainstream FTM community so much because there just doesn’t really seem to be a space for transitioning effeminate guys. It’s like, the only option is “gender nonconforming, not passing, and not transitioning” or “gender conforming, passing, and transitioning.” There is never any dialogue for transitioning gender nonconforming men, transitioning men who pass as faggots, trans men who are neither masc or fem, transitioning alternative trans men, etc etc… And I’m sorry but y’all have no real world experience whatsoever if you think “GNC man” can only ever mean “man who is perceived as a woman.”

[professor-walnut]

Sometimes like today when my depression gets out of control for a while, I'll do things like search the internet desperately for advice or motivation to make it through another night, unable to come up with my own reasons. And scrolling through places like redit; all I see over and over is the phrase "it gets better"

And listen man, I have never hated anything more than that phrase.

I was first diagnosed as depressed when I was eight. "You'll grow out of it" the doctor said.

I went to therapy at 14 when I was suicidal. "You'll feel better when you're older and your hormones calm down" she said.

I got put on antidepressants at 17. "You'll be fine once you finish school and get into a routine" the doctor told me.

At 23 I was told "Excersize, healthy eating, a good social group, get all that down and things will get better"

I'm 26 nearly 27 and I've followed every rule and piece of advice and it has never gotten better, every year it gets worse, it gets harder.

Life never stops getting harder. You can do everything 'right', you can get perfect grades in school and be polite and kind and avoid drugs and alcohol and work hard at everything you do, but sometimes you'll still end up unemployed and burnt out and poor and lonely. Sometimes no matter what you do you'll be a failure.

So hearing "things will get better" frustrates me, probably frustrates many people. Because when does it get better? Have you ever met a depressed person who has experienced it get better? Probably not.

So you know what, here's a better piece of advice to keep trying, for anyone else out there trying to find reasons.

Maybe everyone else in your life is doing better than you, they have jobs and families and hobbies, and you're sleeping 20 hours a day and feeling worthless and lying to your family about how you're doing all the time so they won't be disappointed. Maybe you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s - and you still havn't achieved anything worthwhile, maybe you never will.

But once back in university I went out at 3am with the intention of ending my life, I was having a panic attack during a depressive episode, suicide hotline was busy and I went out almost in a daze with the intention of stepping into traffic desperate to end the terrifying panic and pain. But during my walk, a knock down drunk guy passed me and he smiled at me. He didn't even say anything, just smiled as he stumbled past.

For whatever reason, that tiny, seemingly insignificant gesture was enough to make me think twice about my decisions and go back home.

How many times have you smiled at someone on the street in passing, or at a cashier at a store, or at the bus driver? Probably 99% of the time it barely makes a difference to someone's day, but maybe 1% of the time it does, maybe it impacts someone, and maybe that tiny chance is worth you keeping your smile alive for.

Maybe a crappy sketch you did as a joke or a fanfiction you wrote one night at 3am is someone out there's favourite thing in the world, maybe the time you baked shitty cookies for the staffroom at work, one person is thrilled because they forgot their lunch, maybe that person you held the door open for last week was having a shit time and your tiny action reminded them that there were kind people in the world, maybe the old man who talked to you for 30 seconds in the grocery store line has been lonely for months and you made his day with your brief few exchanged words because you let him feel seen, maybe the postit note you wrote a silly message on ten years ago for someone in school is still stuck on their desk giving them motivation and reminding them that the world isn't all bad.

Maybe you are inputting into the world more than you realise, and even if you sleep for 72 hours at a time and spend 6 days of the week crying and feel like a waste of space, maybe the world is lucky to have you in it. Even if only for the tiny moments where you subconsciously smile at a stranger - because you are always more important than you feel you are, no matter who you are and what you do.

Maybe things won't get better, the likelihood is they won't, but maybe humans are made of tough stuff and have survived bullets and falls from airplanes, so maybe you can survive a lot more than you feel you can. Tomorrow things won't feel as bad, and next time you feel even more horrible you'll know you can get through it because you survived it last time.

Maybe every minute you're surviving is worth it for those little times you impact the world silently from the shadows without even knowing it.

Sometimes all you need to to is breathe to knock down a domino. So keep breathing, even if that's all you can do.

#not pokemon #tw #depression #suicide #probably delete later #but man i just need there to be some kind of advice out there besides 'it gets better' even if I have to force myself to write it

[architects-hidden-archives]

Solo Leveling Ragnarok Chapter 167

Link to 166

Looking back at the past, Suho's school days were always filled with boredom.

A square desk.

A square blackboard.

A square classroom.

A place where people who wore the same clothes gathered together.

A world where everyone learned the same thing.

This was all Suho remembered from his school days.

How boring… Looking back, there were many moments where he would always yawn and feel bored. I need something... Something with a little more heart beating. A nostalgic feeling kept telling him he once knew a lot of amazing things.

When that feeling came, he couldn't stand it anymore and then—

Tick.

Time stopped.

An unbelievable sight unfolded in Suho's eyes.

The students that walked out of school.

The students that were doing sports.

The car that passed through the driveway.

The people that passed through the sidewalk.

And the ball in mid-air.

Everything that once moved now stopped.

'That thing' appeared.

A gate.

A round black hole suddenly morphed at the back of the classroom like a door made from pitch colors of the darkness that swirled, ready to suck anyone in who approached it.

This would have been enough to frighten a normal kid, but instead of crying or screaming, Suho put a hand on his chest.

Badum, badum, badum!

His heart was pounding.

Maybe, maybe he had been expecting something like this for a long time.

Mom would always say I resemble dad.

If I were to think like him… what would he have done in this situation?

The answer was within him all along.

Suho jumped into the gate without hesitation.

And so, arguably, the most intense and fierce moment of his entire life started like this. A terrifying dream.

Aaaaa!

Kyaa oh oh oh!!

Kieeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

[You have leveled up!]

[You have leveled up!]

[You have leveled up!]

In said dream, Suho died and was injured countless times. Either way, he still ran forward to defeat the numerous magic beasts that attacked him.

Finally, when he reached the end, Suho would encounter him. He was a man who wore a hood in order to be unrecognizable. A man whose pressure suffocated all of Suho's body.

But now I know. Who that man was.

Father?

Suho couldn't help but be embarrassed to see his father's — Sung Jin-Woo's — appearance right in front of him.

He knows, of course I know, that this was all just an illusion.

It wasn't possible for his father, who was supposed to be in outer space right now, to turn up here. Then the one in front of him is a fake.

But.

He was still worried about him.

Can I win against my father now?

Suho gulped, swallowing some dry saliva.

Looking back, he was level 99 in his dream and yet he was still knocked out in one hit. His current lever is even lower than that.

But my father also won't be as strong as he was back then since he is just an illusion now.

Suho was sure of it, there was no way for a mere demonic illusionist to produce the same amount of power the Shadow Monarch had. This is a good balance for him.

But still, isn't this too much pressure for him to produce?

Around him a merciless force surrounded the arena. Just how amazing was the magic of a demonic tribe member, that from the moment his father's illusion appeared, Suho's stats began to fluctuate like crazy? He knew it was clearly a fake, and yet Suho couldn't help but break out in a cold sweat at the pressure that weighed on his entire body.

[Hahaha ha! Why I never thought there would be someone who has such a good memory of the Shadow Monarch!]

Then, Javier’s senses belatedly came back as he burst into madness. It was only at that moment when he realized what was going on. Javier pointed at Suho while shouting.

[You bastard! You must have encountered the Shadow Monarch somewhere before! How!? The Shadow Monarch is a nightmare in itself!]

Javier, the demonic illusionist, had only seen the Shadow Monarch once, even if it was from a distance. He was only able to survive that day because he ran away as soon as he saw him. However even from far off in the distance, the memory of that day was still a horrifying and cursed image engraved in his mind.

At the same time, seeing him again was nothing of a surprise.

This was the true aura of death that the Shadow Monarch exuded!

If only he could bring out the true extent of power he felt still engraved in his memory, I will even be able to have the Shadow Monarch as my subordinate!

Conjuring Memories. It was the type of illusion magic Javier had devoted his whole life to. Of course it won't be the exact thing, but if you can still succeed in projecting a version of the Shadow Monarch then your soul will achieve a tremendous level of transcendence in power!

Unfortunately his illusion failed, or to be more precise he had only half-succeeded in creating the Shadow Monarch. His magic had completed the Monarch's appearance well, but his power was a fleeting essence compared to the real deal Javier had witnessed first-hand.

With such a small pool of data as materials, he hadn't been able to create an illusion of the Shadow Monarch before.

[And to think I would find more data this way!]

Although it was a well known fact that the Shadow Monarch had been living on earth for a long time, he didn't think that there would be a soul among the humans that knew the Shadow Monarch so up close!

Javier greedily gazed at Suho while licking his lips.

[You are mine now kid! I will bind your soul and use it as material to summon the illusion of the Shadow Monarch forever!]

In a cruel voice he commanded the Shadow Monarch who kept emitting a terrible aura.

[Listen Shadow Monarch! I, your master Javier, command you to kill that human in front of you and bring his soul to me as an offering!]

At those words, Suho raised the mana from his whole body with a nervous expression.

Let 's do this.

So far, the most effective countermeasure against the illusion was to directly aim at the illusionist instead. Unfortunately the illusionist never revealed himself openly. Only Javier's voice could be heard as he kept hiding somewhere else.

Suho tried to expand his sensory vision to capture his mana, but strangely he felt it all over the place.

"Honey…"

"Dear, I'm sorry… I did this to you, with my own hands…"

Javier was everywhere, in the fantasies of countless other hunters, even in the fantasy of Lim Tae-Gyu's wife, and the hunter could only face her with a tearful expression.

[Heh, you are quite quick-witted.]

Even the Shadow Monarch Sung Jin-Woo that stood in front of him was embedded with Javier's mana.

[All of these fantasies that you see here are me, even the Shadow Monarch that you summoned!]

Javier's laugh echoed in the distance.

Until all of a sudden, a panicked voice came from Javier.

[Huh?!]

Suho also noticed something strange at the same time. His father— No, the fake Sung Jin-Woo. He who seemed like he was ready to launch an intense attack with such overwhelming power, suddenly looked at Suho's face and smiled.

Smiled as if he met a cute thing.

—So you're still weak.—

!?

In a moment, Suho felt something strange. The magic of the demons was truly something amazing if it was able to conjure the same atmosphere and voice of his real father. The only difference was that his father was an illusion attacking him in a dream.

However…

[Wait? What?! Why can't I move on my own?!]

Something appeared to be even more strange now, why was this? For some reason Javier's voice was greatly perplexed about the situation at hand.

—Hmmm.—

'Sung Jin-Woo' turned his attention away from Suho to look around the place with a chilled attitude

Kwaaaaahhhh!!

They were inside a violent sandstorm. All the hunters around them were facing an illusion with painful expressions. 'Sung Jin-Woo' finished searching the scene before nodding and opening his mouth again.

—Oh, so I'm an illusion right now.—

"Huh?"

[What the!?]

Javier stood in shock as something unbelievable just happened. To think that the illusion has gained sentience about his own creation!

[Such a thing like this… It's impossible!]

—No, it's not.—

[!!!]

—Nothing is impossible for me.—

At those words, Javier trembled, goosebumps appearing everywhere. Sung Jin-Woo's illusion was talking to him, looking straight at him even though he was hidden in the sandstorm.

'That man' smiled and asked Javier a question.

—Do you know how many demons have become my shadow soldiers so far?—

[Wait I…]

An ominous feeling came over Javier. It wasn't a question he wanted to hear the answer to as he immediately realized the intent behind it. Just how many of his own people died at the hands of the Shadow Monarch during the fierce war? How many of them were incorporated? How many of those soldiers were still studying and practicing witchcraft like a demon tribe?

And now that they've become servants of the Shadow Monarch…

—Because of them, I've gotten quite used to the Demonic Tribe's witchcraft.—

'Sung Jin-Woo' then expressed his sincere gratitude to Javier.

—But I guess I'll praise you. After all, your skills are quite useful in this situation.—

Suddenly, he looked up at the sky, obscured by a sandstorm where nothing could be seen. His unconcerned gaze quietly stared at the beyond, a vast universe that spread out farther than his own existence.

—Beru.—

[Kiehek!!]

Beru, who had disappeared after the sandstorm hit, suddenly reappeared through it. And upon recognizing his master, Sung Jin-Woo, he burst into tears.

[My liege!!]

An illusion of the real thing, however in Beru's eyes that were still connected to Sung Jin-Woo, he was able to find a trace of his sentence that was connected precisely through that illusion.

—Beru, you've lost all your strength.—

Sung Jin-Woo clicked his tongue as he recognized Beru's condition with a single glance.

—Well, it doesn't matter.—

Jin-Woo raised his hand and placed it on Beru’s head.

—Notice this, shadow soldiers share all senses with their monarch. That's the function in the 2nd Level of the Shadow Storage skill.—

He muttered this to Suho, who kept watching and listening.

—And when you combine the witchcraft of the Demonic Tribe in moderation this is also possible.—

Fwa!

Black energy started to swirl from 'his' hand and seep into Beru. Feeling such a familiar touch after a long time, Beru closed his eyes pleasantly.

T-ring!

[Your quest has arrived.]

"This is?"

Suho's eyes widened at the sudden pop up message from the system. Before checking the contents of it, he turned his gaze towards his father's illusion, who in response grinned back.

—It's a bit old but the quest were originally created this way.—

The level up system: a high level sorcery that had been created by the Great magician of the demon tribe, Kandiaru, had one purpose.

—You will be rewarded with the next skill of the Shadow Power.—

'Sung Jin-Woo said this to his son with a slightly mischievous smile.

—So prove your qualifications.—

[Do you accept this quest?]

(Y/N)

#solo leveling ragnarok spoilers #solo leveling ragnarok #SL Ragnarok Translated Chapters

[reallifepotato]

Anyway I feel pretty bad about not giving that guy my number, it's not his fault I'm insane.

He looked pretty shocked when I told him my age but he covered it well lmao. Idk.

First round he said was on the house because he joined us. Then we ordered another round (tequila shots because I'm a basic bitch) and a margarita for me a beer for my friend and he took a really long time and eventually brought me a drink and was like "oh we didn't have lemon juice do I had to squeeze a lemon and it's not that good so I won't make you pay" ...hm...sure jan.

I wasn't sure if he was looking at me or my friend but tbh my boobs were very out there I'm not used to that. They were distracting me also. Anyway after a while he passed by and he handed us a pizza? Like a small pie? And we're like huh? And he's like "it's on the house" and we're like ok what's going on man why are you giving us free things

And he's like "first of all because I can because I work here. Secondly because I messed up an order for someone else and thirdly can I have your number?" And I was like 😮

um. Ok sure. I was pretty surprised because that's literally never happened to me before. Qnd I'm insane so in my head I'm like "worst case scenario I can ghost him or block him or something"

So then he's like ok cool do you want to come with me on my smoke break and I'm like ok but only if my friend can come because I got super nervous that he was expecting things of me which I was not ready for. So he said ok and we went outside the three of us, I was majorly drunk at this point because I had 3 shots in a previous place and like 3 drinks there so I was nice and giggly and we talked to him for a while and he showed us his tattoos (sasquatch....but no feet? And I'm like how can you have a footless bigfoot that's ?? Doesn't make sense man) and then I found out he was a baby born in '99. For a second I thought he was born in 2000+ I was gonna vom or something idk it kind of freaked me out (he said he thought I was around 22. Which is ok I'm always worried a perv thinking I'm 17 will hit on me. 22 isn't so bad)

We went back inside eventually, and there was a band playing so we were listening and chilling and eating our free pizza (which I thought was real ironic on account of how I'm lactose intolerant but that's besides the point) and then I went to pee but the lock was broken so really I just. Took a breather and time to think and when I came out there was another girl and I'm like oh hey the lock is broken do you want me to guard the door and she's like yes please so I did and when she came out she started talking to me and she's like oh the bartender is cute what do you think?

And I'm like well he's 23 and I'm 28 so I'm a little iffy about it

Anyway turns out she's his ex girlfriend ?? And she was trying to like be his wingman and talk him up to me and she's like oh but he's so nice etc etc

And I'm like you know the only reason he hit on me was my boobs and my eyelashes and she's like no he's not that kind of guy

And I'm like I doubt it

Anyway then I asked her....I don't remember? Idk. What he's like maybe?

And she's like "well first thing you should know is he's great at sex" and I'm like 👍 cool. Super irrelevant to me but cool. "And he's really great to talk to"

Ok well. So now I had this idea planted in my head that he was expecting me, an older ~woman~ who has her tits hanging out, to have tons of experience, which I super don't. Like not anything at all. I've never kissed a guy or been on a date or anything. So I felt this immense pressure that he was expecting something of me that wasn't going to happen?

Anyway we eventually paid (very little. We paid for like 10 drinks and a pizza the same we did for 6 shots at the first place. Idk how that place will make money with him there lmao) and I was gonna write my number on a piece of paper or something but there wasn't any. Not a napkin or receipt in sight. And he was nowhere to be seen (I didn't look very hard. But I was also quite drunk and having to close one eye in order to focus) so I just left

And then as soon as I walked out I panicked that he'll come out after me and idk why I just started running

Anyway if I ever go back I'll just say I figured he gave up because I'm elderly. It's really not his fault I'm bonkers in the head.

Anyway I shouldn't have worn that shirt I didn't realize how dangerous my boobs are and I forgot how straight men are weak about that type of thing.

He was really sweet and genuine and I could tell he was nervous and trying and I'm sure he'll make a regular normal non insane person very happy one day

#story time

[wildishmazz]

Well this got rambly

Starmania is intriguing. It has so many random elements that feel like vestigia from rewrites, and this feeling is never stronger than when listening to the 1990 Tycoon album after getting familiar with Starmania(Edition Rouge, anyhow, the 1989 version).

It's perfectly possible that Tim Rice didn't know what happened in the show and made it up as he went along, and no-one dared to correct him when he seemingly reassigned songs by including the wrong character details or hints of backstory in them, but it’s far more interesting to go from the assumption that he was writing according to a planned major rewrite that never actually materialised.

The most obvious indication of this is Nobody Chooses, because while it's understandable that Rice might confuse the fading movie star for the tv presenter or maybe even the antiestablishment terrorist mastermind, I don't see that anyone could reasonably completely rewrite a song to change it from an angry young man telling his tragic backstory to an omniscient narrator's(accurate) commentary on the doomed romantic relationships in the story by accident. Additionally, recycling Banlieue Nord as Nobody Chooses would mean that it couldn't go in the same place in the plot.

This would then explain why A Little Damage Done has a more persuasive tone to it than Quand On Arrive En Ville, adding the sentiment of "embrace the cause, we know you know we're right", and overall sounding like a direct response to the questions Cristal was asking immediately prior to Banlieue Nord, if it were moved to Banlieue Nord's position from its place near the beginning. It would excise from there reasonably cleanly - the libretto would simply go directly from Roger Roger's news bulletin about the Black Stars straight into Marie-Jeanne talking about them in the bar, and introducing them in person. The trouble would then be that they wouldn't be introduced with a bang.

So maybe they could have half of Il Se Passe Quelque Chose À Monopolis(which even scans better as "Something's Going On In Monopolis", though it doesn't actually exist on the English album), and crossfade the song into the news report, giving them time to get to the next scene.

And Tim Rice's lyrics to Le Monde Est Stone, The World Is Stone, sound like they should be in Cristal's mouth, or maybe Stella Spotlight's - it sounds less like the words of the world-weary robot barmaid who yearned to see the sun and had a hopeless crush on a gay man than the revelations of one of the sheltered, privileged women who only recently came face to face with the harsh reality of the lives of the 99%. Which then suggests that maybe Cristal wasn't going to die.

But then, Only The Very Best requires that she was. And making the last line "Oh, it's getting cold"(and including "I was immortal, til today") strongly implies that Johnny was going to die too, which he didn't at the end of SOS d'un Terrien de Détresse. And doesn't "only the very best, reasonable request" sound more like something that would come out of Zero Janvier(unholy amalgamation of Donald Trump and Elon Musk)'s mouth than street brawler Johnny Rockfort's? At the very least, you could reassign the song to the titular Tycoon and it wouldn't sound wrong.

Le Reve de Stella Spotlight is absent from Tycoon, no Dream of Stella Spotlight is recorded, so does that perhaps suggest that it was going to be cut and Stella go straight into Stone instead?

And thinking of Stella Spotlight(Eva Peron by way of Norma Desmond), Rice references her apparently famous persona "Babydoll" in two songs, You Get What You Deserve and Farewell to a Sex Symbol, allowing the inference that she was going to sing both. Why would Sadia, revolutionary mastermind, be referencing "Babydoll, teenage queen" in her introductory number, and bragging about all the different roles she can play? Seems more like the defiant declaration of an aging movie star insisting that she’s not past it to me, rather than a version of Travesti, Sadia's original "I'm trans and fuck you if you've got a problem with that" manifesto.

And then in the show generally there are the scifi dystopia elements established early on - the world is homogenised, no-one gets to see the sky any more, everyone has a number on their back(is that what the black stars on their jackets are obscuring?) - that just sort of get mentioned once then dropped. And the implication is there at the start that though the official line is that there is no crime in Monopolis except that perpetrated by the Black Stars, that official line is a smokescreen - the Black Stars may throw a few bricks through windows, and release press statements taking responsibility for any disruption, but they’re largely innocent of the crimes they’re accused of. We see them blamed for a breakdown of the ventilation system in a commuter tunnel. I mean, come on - that sounds much more like an official body shirking responsibility for an accident caused by poor maintenance by blaming those pesky ne'er-do-wells who cause havoc for absolutely no reason at all they just like chaos and certainly aren't political activists trying to draw attention to the fact that Monopolis is not "this bloody perfect town", actually, it's a "damned metropolis", a harshly stratified society with those at the bottom living in squalid tunnels where they never get to see the sky and those at the top dancing in a penthouse nightclub called "Naziland". But these things mostly get mentioned once and then never really come back.

I wish I was a better fanfic writer, there's so much here to work with.

#Starmania #I have ADHD and can't take medication #but I think you already suspected that #if you read this far

[katherine-mcnamara]

yeah i think, im uncomfy with dominic sherwood being used in the rp because sometimes muns in defense of him swing to the other side of the pendulum too hard and act like it was no big deal at all, and i would rather not touch those issues with a ten foot pole, but i have nothing against him as an actor and i wouldnt boycott him or whatever. there is nuance to these situations, and ultimately its to the discretion of the people writing (as a group or as an individual), and we can leave it at that...

unless a fc is a whole ass criminal, in which case, maybe reconsider. and i can see where people get combative, since defense of an actor's actions can sometimes turn into accepting an actor's actions as anything less than what it was.

unless a fc is a whole ass criminal, in which case, maybe reconsider.

I'm just gonna answer this first because GET 👏 BETTER 👏IDOLS👏

I'm ngl and say I don't see where those types of fans are coming from. Like it 100% was not nothing, and he himself has refused to let people diminish it to nothing. But when 99% of the people coming at you for liking dom, for using dom, and being like he should be banned, are out there using m*tt who was apart of the same thing dom did, has never apologised, and was only upset because it was done ON LIVE, making it clear that it was something they did to each other, how they greeted each other. This whole ass STRAIGHT man who was a part of it then had the motherfucking AUDACITY to think he had to be in the video where dom apologised and look upset and disappointed. Not any of the lgbt cast not to apologise himself for it CLEARLY being a greeting they both used, no. Because this CIS STRAIGHT WHITE MAN, decided he could be there because he played a gay man on tv. HE'S STRAIGHT.

When you get people being absolutely gross about dom and demonising him but being totally fine with all lives matter tweeting, r/ joke making, arguing with people over "having the right/it was just a joke" about the s/a "joke", refusing to apologise, marrying and moving in with a very trump supporting family and the tweets of this are gone now but given his marriage/inlaws/his own father being forced to resign from office for his program racial profiling, i believe it, but being seen at trump rallies, the silence over palenstine when AGAIN during blm he tweeted all lives matter and none of y'all even CARED. He broke quarantine when it was at it's height and everywhere was severly locked down to leave his newborn baby in another state to go fly and party and get drunk.

but he's not banned.

So I don't really blame people being overdefensive of dom. when that is the rpc/fandom/people's in general reaction. Like you will not see m/tt on banned lists when dom is. even though he was part of the thing that got dom blacklisted.

Like I'm overdefensive of dom like people attacking him but giving that thing over there a free pass I got no time for. But I will never say what he's done doesn't matter. Because that erases all the apologies, all the good he's done, how he's grown. You can't have one without the other. So agreed there. I aint touching THAT with a barge pole either.

Like I always say. Ban whoever makes you uncomfy/you don't like. But don't harass me or others over dom when m/tt gets a free pass. you will get your feelings hurt. Especially because multiple PSA'S have been made and get a ton of hits daily. op's have shared their statcounter stats with me so I know people KNOW about m/tts shitty behaviour. they just free pass because they find him attractive when you can find 80 of him at walmart. he's not hard to replace. in fact use a black, indigenous, or turkish replacement just to say f you to his dads specific racial profiling program. or a latine to say f you to him being cast as a certain someone because he LOOKED similar to the others cast in the family.

Sorry this went all sorts of off topic but if i missed any of your points please lmk!!!

Also if people want to talk to me about this please censor full names so it doesn't go in their tag!!

#<3 #rpt #rpc #rph #asks #answered