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staycult · 4 years

Text

highschool!jisung as your boyfriend

pairing — gender neutral reader x jisung

genre — fluff / bullet scenario / friends to lovers

word count — 1.6k

enjoy!

u and jisung had been friends for quite some time now

ever since highschool started probably

u guys were in the same friend group

you were always with him during lunch

and u guys go home together bcs ure practically neighbors

“[y/n]! smile!” he said as he pulled out his favored polaroid camera

as you were about to turn your head around you heard a loud click, coming from the camera

a flash of light blinded your eyes

so you tried to cover it

“hey! i wasnt ready!” you pouted, giving jisung a light slap in the arm

he stuck his tongue out to mock your reaction and pulled out the film from his camera

“you look ugly” jisung snorted, fanning the film

“shut up and start moving!” you rolled your eyes and grabbed his hand to make him walk faster

bcs guys were about to go home

“do you want to stop by at the park first?” jisung offered

ofc u cant resist him

his presence always make u feel at ease

“buy me ice cream then let’s go” you bargained, earning an eye roll from him

“Two ice cream cones please!” you requested, giving the money to the cashier. you tapped your finger on the cold surface while your other armed propped your chin. jisung on the other hand was shuffling through his notebook filled with polaroid pictures that he took with your friends.

“stop staring at my pictures, ji” you laughed while grabbing your cone from the man in front of you and giving the other cone to jisung. “keep staring and you’ll fall for me” you added as you licked your ice cream. he clicked his teeth, “ew, you wish”

both you and jisung walked around the park, still in your school uniforms. the park is the place where you and your friends hang around when you guys have time. the slide and the swing are your most favorite part.

you sat down in the swing and tapped the other seat to motion jisung to sit down as well. “look, the sun is setting!” you pointed as you finished your cone. you looked over to jisung who was his camera pointed at you for the nth time. but this time, you managed to strike a pose in front of his polaroid camera. his cheeks can be seen from behind, obviously smiling at the sight.

days went by

you and jisung had been hanging out in the park swing almost every day

just the both of you

watching the sunsets and taking pictures

you noticed that he only takes random pictures of you but when youre with friends, they need to ask first before jisung would take a picture

he claims that your face is funnier with stolen shots

ofc u believed him

he is your best friend after all

the school year is about to end

and your music and arts teacher is talking about your final project

which was to write a song or poem, draw a portrait or make a poster

with a special meaning behind it

you almost ripped your hair out of frustration when you tried to compose a song or draw

so u went for a simple poster

you and your friends were comparing your final outputs in the cafeteria

“come on, show us yours!” your friends encouraged you

“ahh, it’s really ugly im not even good at these kinds of shit!” you cursed, showing it to them anyway

“seriously? it’s good! youre like jisung. god, both of you say you did bad but it’s not!” you friend said while eyeing your poster

“really? jisung i want to see yours!” you said while grabbing some of your friend’s food

“no” he said, sticking a tongue out to mock you

“why not?” you replied while pouting

both of you bickered for atleast 3 minutes

saying lots of ‘no’s’ and ‘why not’s’

he had enough of your shit

and pulled you out of the cafeteria

holding his notebook, backpack and a ukelele

jisung was grabbing you by your wrist until you arrived at the school’s rooftop. you didn't have the time to respond at his sudden action.

“ouch! what was that about?” you said once he lets go of your wrist. “you want me to show you my output right? well here it is. listen.”

you were taken aback by his words, did he really get annoyed by your previous bickering? and why are we on a roof top anyway????

jisung grabbed his ukelele and opened his notebook, which was filled with polaroid pictures of you that was taken over the school year and years before that.

“it’s called hello stranger,” he spoke and started strumming on his ukelele

“The moment I felt like our eyes met

my body moved all on its own

Movin’, movin’, movin’, movin’, movin’

The closer we get the more I think

about what it is I’m feeling

My mind is filled with question marks

I can’t see anyone

around us anymore, you’re just growing more clear

Everything on this road

is blurred and faded out except for you

I’m filled with nothing but curiosity about who you may be

It’s like I’m approaching you drawn by something I can’t even know

I won’t beat around the bush, my subconscious is pushing straight forward

having me walk as it pleases without a single thought

Ah, a new wind is blowing

Where could it have come from?

It’s strange, but it’s not cold

Before I know it my feet are moving, following the wind

I take my hands out of my pockets

Hello Stranger, I keep being drawn to you

Growing closer

to you without a single thought

I’m curious, more and more and more as time passes,

why am I like this? Who are you to do this to me?

Stranger

Nana nanana nana

Closer

Hello Stranger, who are you to do this to me?

I can see in you the things that I myself am lacking

I try yelling out to you the things I had just yelled into empty space

The things I didn’t have, that I was missing before I met you,

all of these feelings, every moment

my mind is filled with exclamation points

I can’t see anyone

around us anymore, you’re just growing more clear

Everything on this road

is blurred and faded out except for you

Something’s different about you, but I’m not sure what

I think the light approaching me now must be you

Even if I look away I can still see your afterimage,

you never leave my sight, who are you to do this to me?

Ah, my feet are moving, following this new wind

I take my hands out of my pockets

Hello Stranger, I keep being drawn to you

Growing closer

to you without a single thought

I’m curious, more and more and more as time passes,

why am I like this? Who are you to do this to me?

i love you”

it’s been weeks since you and jisung last spoke and since his sudden confession

you were about to tell him how you felt, too

how he makes you happy these past few days

to the point where you were falling for him too

but he ignored you

was it because he felt awkward?

or scared?

confusion was taking over you

and you know damn well youre gonna have to take measures into your own hands

so you came up with a plan to atleast get him to talk to you

“come on! just say i wont be there” you begged your friend. “fine. so roof top it is?” you squealed and gave your friend a hug. plan was to make your friends invite jisung at the same place he confessed on only to see youre the only one there

you grabbed your backpack since you had a vacant class and went to the rooftop to prepare. you knew jisung had a vacant class too, so you were hopeful he’s going to drop by.

“hi, i like you too” you practiced “no, too awkward” you ran your hands through your hair in frustration. “hey jisung! will you vincent van gogh out with me?” you repeated with hand motions this time. “god no” you mentally slapped yourself because of the cringe

“jisung, i like yo-” you repeated. you felt someone hug you from behind, “you do?” his husky voice sent shivers down to your spine as he hugged you even tighter.

“i-i do” you admitted, removing his arms so you can face him properly. “i really really do, i cant stand you not talking to me.” you burried your head to the crook of his neck.

“im sorry, baby. i didnt know how to handle rejection yet” he let out a low laugh, earning a laugh from you too. he snaked his arms around you and swayed you back and forth. humming the tune of the song he composed.

“youre mine now, are you?” he spoke, kissing your forehead as you gave him a nod.

bf jisung would mean

A VERY PLAYFUL RELATIONSHIP

SERIOUSLY

the confession may be soft and cuddly

but after like 2 days

yall are like best friends again

but with a mixture of sweetness

things never really changed

but you were still glad

love letters and songs !!!!!

lots and lots of kisses

cheek, forehead, chin, shoulder kisses

you name it

he would gently cup your face while doing so

he likes teasing you

but u tease him back

ends up with him being all pouty

will help u out with homework

ice cream and park swing dates

would literally take polaroid pictures of both of you

the ones he took before yall got together is displayed in his room

on the back of his phone

and the rest, he keeps it in his notebook

which was filled with songs about you

will sing you to sleep

will hold your hand literally every where

“baby, im the luckiest to have you”

author's note —

just imagine it's the slow version of hello stranger ok ALSO i want jisung to be my bf like ??

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shhh-no-ones-home · 4 years

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bases loaded* highschool!ricky horror x reader

+++++++++ Highschool au woo!

originally i was like ‘hey maybe they could like sneak into an empty classroom’ and then i remembered in my highschool there are batting cages for softball practice in a long narrow room above the gym. also the only way you can get to it is a staircase that goes from the basement at the end of the hall with the art/shop/weight training rooms all the way up to the gym and the batting cages above it, its like a four story staircase. (i know it sounds weird but our school has had a lot of additions over the years, theres a wrestling room in the back of the ‘new’ gym too) but thats kind of where the idea for this came from so if it reads weird or doesnt seem like a normal highschool set up, i promise it is because i lived it, its literally in my highschool lol.

* - You two sneak off during class to find an empty room (this was og promt). He has to keep you quiet during a hard fucking so you dont get caught

Song: mrs infamous (my sweetness) by palaye royale

tag list: @thisplace-ishaunted @svintsandghosts @theoneandonlykymberlee @alilpunkrock @cynic-spirit @musicsexandpizza69 @ryansitkowskiswifey +++++++++

"Meet me at the end of the shop hallway during sixth period."

I replayed that sentence in my mind over and over again. He sounded so needy whispering it in my ear as the bell rang to release us from lunch. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and it made me blush each time. I thought about if skipping class would be worth it but it always was. We were seniors after all, which meant what few classes we did have, we didn't have much to do at this point. I rounded the corner and spotted him at the other end of the hallway, smoking out the open window. I walked quickly towards him, hoping none of the art teachers would notice me. When I got to him I smiled.

"Did you miss me?"

I said quietly, making him jump. He sighed out in relief.

"Jesus y/n."

I laughed a little bit.

"You said to meet you. What are we doing?"

He smirked at me before putting his cigarette out on the window sill.

"We, are going to have a little fun."

He grabbed my hand and started towards the stairs.

"Since we haven't been able to hang out after school for the past like two weeks I figured we could have some time to ourselves during. Besides, it's not like we have anything better to do."

I smiled to myself as he looked around, leading me up the stairs once the coast was clear.

"And we're heading to the batting cages because?"

this stair case only went to one place and i had a pretty good idea of what he wanted to do. He looked at me over his shoulder and smirked.

"It's private, and with it being over the gym no one will hear us."

I raised a brow.

"Oh?"

He sent me a wicked smile before turning back around. When we got to the top he paused, letting go of my hand.

"Isn't it locked during school hours?"

I asked. He just ignored me, kneeling down and pulling two pins out of his hoodie pocket.

"Nothings locked if you try hard enough."

He said smoothly, moving to pick the lock. I smiled to myself as the door popped open and he stood up. He held it and kissed me endearingly.

"After you m'lady."

i smirked at him.

"How thoughtful."

He followed in after me. The whole room was dark aside from the light coming in from the 'windows' to the gym. You could hear the coaches instructing students, it sounded like they were playing kick ball today which meant we'd be home free in the noise department. i walked along the far wall, making sure no one down below would be able to see us at the angle. there were gym mats littering the floor along with a few racks of equipment and large nets to catch the balls that were hit. in one corner however there was a medium sized table with two chairs behind it, where the coaches usually kept their clip boards and the water coolers and things. today however it was empty. i walked quietly over to it, leaning my hands on it to make sure it wouldnt squeak under my weight. when it didnt make a sound i turned around and slid up onto it, kicking my legs under me and watching ricky as he looked around. by now the gym class had started their game and you could hear the loud sound of rubber being hit and students yelling to their teammates.

"you stalling for a reason kiddo?"

i asked, pulling rickys attention to me. he held his pointer finger to his lips to shush me as he peered out the glass-less window down at the class. he looked back to me after a second and smiled. i watched him intently as he strutted carefully over to me, placing his hands firmly on the table on either side of my thighs.

"you ready to go?"

he asked smoothly, staring into me, his gaze falling momentarily to my lips. i shuddered, running my hands lightly up his arms. i always could get lost in his ocean eyes, the dark makeup pulling me in deeper as he beckoned me with his siren song. i nodded to him before capturing his lips in mine, pulling him to me as i kissed him hungrily. we slowly began making out and i could feel his hands move to my hips, squeezing them gently as he stood up. i detached from him and inhaled deeply, looking up at him with an innocent gaze.

"i love you ricky."

i said a little dazed. he smiled at me before kissing me lightly, his one hand moving to my face to caress my cheek.

"i love you too y/n."

he waited for my response and as soon as i smiled at him, bringing my hands to hold his waist to me, he was back to my lips. i hummed against him as he shoved his tongue in my mouth. as we continued to make out i moved to get his jacket off, unzipping it slowly and pushing it down his arms. he dropped it to the table next to me and returned his hands to my exposed thighs. he pulled away from my mouth, moving down my neck as i snaked my fingers into the hair at the base of his neck, just under his black beanie.

"im so glad you wore a skirt today."

he mumbled against my collar bone, making me shudder at his hot breath.

"so am i."

i sighed out, feeling him slip his hand between my legs. he moved his head back up to kiss me as he ran two fingers over my clothed heat.

"so needy."

he said seductively, making me blush.

"i missed your touch."

he moaned low in his throat at my comment before pushing my skirt up quickly and pulling me to the edge of the table. i caught myself, dropping both hands to the table behind me as i leaned back. when i looked down between the two of us i could see his bulge pressed hard against his tight jeans.

"god, i need you so bad right now."

his voice was barely above a whisper. i pecked his lips before looking back down between us. i slowly began to undo his jeans, looking back to his face every once in a while to see his eyes screwed shut as i grazed him, pushing his bottoms down. he breathed deeply, barely opening his eyes as he pulled himself out of his jeans. i groaned to myself as he pressed his member against my thigh, spreading my legs apart and pushing my panties to the side.

"you ready baby?"

he asked lowly. i raised a brow.

"did you bring it?"

he looked confused for a second before realizing what i was asking and pulling his pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket. when he opened it i could see it was half empty but he had remembered to bring a condom this time.

"got it."

he said, pulling it out and tearing it open. i helped him roll it on before leaning back again. i moaned as he ran himself over my slit, getting my wet over his tip before he guided himself into me. He reached up to cover my mouth with his hand and looking panicked for a second.

"youve gotta be quiet princess, or we're not gonna get very far."

i nodded and he dropped his hand back to the table. i scooted closer to the edge of the table as he pulled halfway out and pushed back into me a few times. as he began thrusting a little harder i brought one leg up to hook around his waist, bringing him closer to me. as he got rougher he finally remembered to take care of me, bring his hand down to circle my clit. i dropped my head back immediatly, giving him access to kiss and suck at my neck again. my eyes screwed shut as he pounded into me, breathing heavily against my skin. i moaned again and he shot upright, covering my mouth as he continued fucking me hard. i looked at him with dark eyes, reaching for his shirt and gripping it tightly.

"ricky."

i moaned into his hand. he decided that wasnt enough though and replaced his hand with his mouth, kissing me roughly as his movements got sloppier and more uneven. i could feel him twitch as he kept moving, thrusting into me and pushing his thumb against my clit. then i felt it, my vision went blurry for a second as my orgasm wracked through my body, making my thighs quiver against his waist. he thrusted hard one last time before pausing and sighing heavily into my mouth as he came. we both sat there breathing heavily for a second before he pulled out of me. as he was pulling the condom off we both heard a whistle blow from inside the gym, then one of the coaches yelled for the class to clean up.

"you ready to dash?"

he asked, pulling his pants back up and helping me down off the table. i nodded, fixing my panties and my skirt back into place.

"lets hope we dont get caught."

i winked at him, picking his hoodie up and draping it over my shoulders. he smirked down at me, taking my hand in his and pulling me towards the door.

"do we ever?"

#wattpad #x reader #smut #Ricky horror #Ricky Olson #miw #one shots #imagines #221

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xsugarysweetsx · 4 years

Note

Bam! Im gonna hit you with more various Honoka hcs.

⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad or Shirou knew what the hell to do with her wings.

⁃ Her first word was "Siro" which was exposed to be "Shirou"

⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down.

⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.

⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian

⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day

⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"

⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them

⁃ Didnt want them to become heroes

⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt

⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One

⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist

⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams

⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A

⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter

⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form

⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy

⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan

⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou

⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi

⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school

⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise

⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them

⁃ Noka is always like that

⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble

⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.

⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"

⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"

⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder

⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.

⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far

⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training

⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries

⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration

⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip

⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle

⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power

⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could

⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery

⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process

⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students

⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA

⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One

⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might

⁃ So fast foward to the internships

⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow

⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers

⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit

⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene

⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out

⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat

⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions

⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku

⁃ So— Summer training arc

⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest

⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp

⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero

⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳

⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset

⁃ Some more than others

⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*

⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother

⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"

⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"

⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"

⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk

⁃ Let me set the scene

⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut

⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort

⁃ P r o g r e s s people

⁃ N e ways

⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy

⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight

⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens

⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka

⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him

⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"

⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka

⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)

⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi

⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers

⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight

⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more

⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka

⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most

⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league

⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled

⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing

⁃ His precious baby sister

⁃ His whole world

⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days

⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka

⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won

⁃ But there was no sign of Noka

⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was

⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"

⁃ The whole class was in a panic

⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?

⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was

⁃ Is she alive?

⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening

⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found

⁃ And they all felt guilty

⁃ But none more than Bakugou

⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak

⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."

⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?

⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit

⁃ From day one she put him in his place

⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has

⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams

⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics

⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control

⁃ To which they asked how he knew her

⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school

⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood

⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter

⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms

⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister

⁃ Speaking of little sister

⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki

⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl

⁃ But ive alreadly talked about this part

⁃ So skipping to when they save her

⁃ It was a total shock for them

⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl

⁃ And even more so when she spoke

⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had

⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice

⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall

⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine

⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could

⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye

⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped

⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"

⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear

⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery

⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat

⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes

⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout

⁃ So p a n i k

⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school

⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka

⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted

⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt

⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month

⁃ Only family were allowed

⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her

⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked

⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy

⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode

⁃ Thus she needs the wheelchair

I have a bunch more random hcs but this is so long anyways. Im so sorry >_<

~Blurb~

It’s fine anon but seriously you gotta start posting!

#anime #fanfiction #anime x reader #bsd fandom #bsd fanfic #bts #kpop #kpop fluff #btsxreader #haikyuu x reader

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rawnwas · 5 years

Text

@nunukim-182 here it is! Thank you very much for waiting, I'm sorry it took me so long. Enjoy it!

Since the kindergarten, I have been a child with difficulties to communicating. I commented on Star Wars all the time, it was very difficult for someone to put up with me. Actually, apart from my parents and my sister Esther, only one person cared about me. Her name was Rebecca Tucker.

Red was my best friend since kindergarten. she always sat next to me at lunch, in class, we worked together at school, and we also sat together on the bus. We even brought different fruits to lunch to exchange them, we went together to the cinema and to a Casa Bonita, it was funny. But all that changed when we got to fourth grade.

in this grade, everyone tried to appear "mature" and groups (some forced) were formed to "improve the interaction". There were the populars, the emos, the ugly ones, among others. red was adjusted immediately between the "hot girls" and me, obviously, with the nerds. I thought this wasnt going to affect our friendship, but as soon as the groups were defined, she started to avoid me and left with her friends.

Although Red avoided me, I continued to observe her and I realized that all our years of friendship were not in vain. I remember one time that she suggested seeing "the attack of the clones" to her friends when they chose which movie to watch at the cinema. Obviously her friends rejected that option for being a "nerd" movie and Red smiled falsely.

Our biggest interaction was on a school trip to "Villarejo dos peregrinos" where everyone said it was 1864. Our teacher told us to make pairs, and Red grabbed my hand instantly. I was surprised, because we hadnt spoken in months. During the tour, we talked as much as we could and i enjoyed her company a lot.

I didn’t realize, but I missed her a lot. Her voice, her smell, her hair, how she played with his strands as he spoke, the freckles she tried to hide with makeup, the perfume she wore ...

all those things that I missed, were back ...

but my joy evaporated as soon as the armed men invaded the place and threatened us.

I stood in front of her when they sat us on the floor, to prevent her from getting hurt. After the men were arrested, Red was so grateful that she sat with me back on the bus, and she forgot her friends during the trip, which sadly lasted only a few hours, and we kept talking. when we arrived, there was still a lot to talk about...

I thought she would continue talking to me later, but no, she was with his friends again. Even so, all those memories would follow my memory.

Even without her, I was not alone all this time. I started sitting at lunch with my friend Bradley, who was also a fan of galaxy wars, and with whom I had many things in common. I can say that at the time Red avoided me, he was my best friend.

besides him, I started to get together with Craig, Token, Tweek, Jimmy and Clyde. Somehow, I fit into their group, and among all of them, Clyde became a close friend. I confess that I felt betrayed when he started dating Red. However, thanks to Master Yoda, his engagement didnt last long.

at some point, I even played with eric, and ended up in Somalia, on a french ship with my laser sword, a heroic moment.

Over time, my interactions with Red decreased. some of her friends discovered her looking at me at lunch, and they started bothering her with that.

one day there was a talk about yaoi art at school and they showed images of Tweek and Craig, doing things that they normally don’t do. unlike the others, I was familiar with this topic and knew very well that tweek and craig were not really gay. I mean, there are a thosands of fanarts and fanfics about obi-wan x Anakin and Spock x Kirk and they are not really homosexual ...

During this event, I saw Red. She behaved like the other girls and found everything very nice. I dont doubt that when returning home, she looked for the two previous couples.

I thought Tweek and Craig were not really gays until they both ended up in front of the whole school. I was surprised with everything Tweek said, never imagined that Craig would be capable of all those things that Tweek said. I was also curious to know who Michael was, who apparently had been guilty of the separation.

The next day, Craig lost the class and Tweek appeared, but he looked very discouraged. Red also looked sad, it was as if the relationship of those two gave her hope for something.

But the next day, Tweek and Craig arrived at school holding hands, to the astonishment of everyone, including myself. Despite the surprise, I was glad that they were together again.

¿Red looked ... hopeful? I had never seen that expression on his face before.

At lunchtime, I sat next to Bradley, as I always did since the beginning of the year. Our table was next to the girls table. I could clearly hear a conversation from Red that caught my attention.

‘’Wendy, when you sayed that every kind of love is magical… you meaned that even a popular girl and a nerd can fall in love and it would be beautiful too?’’

That was not a typical Red question, and her friends noticed it too, so she got everyone at the table to raise their eyebrows. Wendy, meanwhile, took Red's hands and answered dreamily:

"Of course, any kind of love is magic!"

Red smiled shyly and could swear she blushed.

Bradley finished eating and ran away without saying goodbye. I was confused, but I finished my meal too and went out to the courtyard. all my friends were busy doing something, so I decided to sat in a corner to observe.

But before I did, Red appeared in front of me!

‘’Kevin... can we talk?’’ she asked.

‘’of course…’’ I answered surprised.

He took my hand and led me to the most isolated corner of the courtyard.

‘’Kevin ... do you remember that dance we had last year?’’ she asked looking me straight in the eyes and smiling shyly.

Of course I remember it! I smiled widely as soon as the memories arrived.

Flashback~~~~~~

In third grade, we had a dance near the end of the year. I remember well that Red decided to dance with Token, and I was sitting, feeling excluded. No girl wanted to dance with me, and I did not want to dance with anyone else.

It was like this until a girl dressed in a vulgar manner began to kiss several boys, including Token, who left Red aside to go with her.

Red was upset and sat in the stands. I went to talk with her and ask her if she wanted to dance with me, she accepted and we danced until the end of the dance.

After the party was over, they threw us out of the gym and Red sat down to wait for her uncles, and I sat with her to wait for my parents. As Esther was playing with the snow and Craig was playing with her friends, I was alone with her.

We talked and at some point, she took my hand and told me that I was the coolest guy in the entire galaxy. I felt extremely happy and I told her that she was also the coolest girl in the whole galaxy.

But before we could say anything else, the car of her uncles had already arrived for her and craig, leaving me alone with my sister.

~~~~~~~

I must have been thinking about that for a long time, because when I realized, Red was calling me. When I react, she kept talking.

'' ¿So, you still think I’m the coolest girl in the whole galaxy? '' she asked, holding my hands in his.

I thought about it a little. Even after she had avoided me, she was still the coolest girl I had ever met.

‘’ Of course, you are and always will be the coolest girl in the galaxy, and the planets beyond’’ I said without letting go her hands.

She smiled as she looked our joined hands.

‘’ you know kevin ... I still thinking that you’re the coolest guy in all the galaxies and I ... I like you, you know?’’

I was shocked. I also liked her too, actually, I always liked her, even after she started to ignore me.

‘’I… I…’’ I failed to form some phrase.

‘’So ... kevin ... what if you're Han Solo and I'm Princess Leia?’’ she suggested, winking at me.

I smiled. I had not thought of rejecting her, and now, less! she used a low blow!

-yes red! she smiled and hugged me.

As we parted, she grabbed my face, pulled her close and closed her eyes. Before I understood what was happening, our lips joined in a kiss. I felt very excited, it was silly, but in the end it was my first kiss.

‘’let's Rock!’’ she said after kissing me. We ran hand in hand to the courtyard. On the way, Clyde intercepted us.

‘’So ... are you guys together, huh? kevin, I thought these things didn’t interest you!’’ he scoffed, raising his eyebrows. I wanted Clyde to be sent to the farthest planet, from the farthest galaxy.

and somehow, my wish was fulfilled, because tweek and craig passed by holding hands and Clyde ran after them.

However, as soon as he left, Bebe arrived.

‘’I always knew you liked geeks! eh Red? I want to be the godmother of your wedding!’’ she said dreamily.

I wanted her to be sent to a planet farther away than Clyde's. But unlike Clyde, she went faster, winking at us.

When we get to the swing, we take turns pushing ourselves.

From that day, Red and I continued together, as if that separation by groups hadn’t happened. She surprised me with kisses and hugs, and I take my hand, as I always wanted.

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ill-be-okay-in-the-morning · 5 years

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A vent about past abuse

I dealt with mental, emotional, and psychological abuse when I was living with my parents, specifically my mom and step dad. It started when I was very young, I was in fourth grade with severe, undiagnosed ADHD, originally thought to be Asburgers. I was put into the GT/Gifted and Talented program(for all those who don't know, the definition for it in my state is ""Gifted and talented children" mean those students who are identified as possessing demonstrated or potential abilities that give evidence of high performing capabilities in intellectual, creative, specific academic or leadership areas, or ability in the performing or visual arts and who require services or activities not ordinarily provided by the school in order to fully develop such capabilities") but due to my undiagnosed ADHD I began to struggle.

My mom tried to help, but got more and more frustrated with me, and one day, we had a parent teacher conference, and the whole time, while I was listening to it, I was looking down and playing with my hands as I had difficulty focusing and doing other things helped me. When we got outside my mother began to yell at me, she put me on the spot and asked me to sumise the meeting, and because I was so suddenly put on the spot, I froze and I couldnt figure out how to put into words what had been talked about. I told my mom that I didnt know how to summerize it and she became furious with me, blowing up and saying that I didnt even care and that she was so mad that she even thought about apologizing to me and even webt so far as to tell me that I wouldn't be getting the surprise gift of a few school supplies that she had gotten for me to try and help me with school. I was stunned, so stunned that I stoped dead in my tracks and watched as my mom continued to walk to the car, still yelling at me.

A small while later I was transfered out of the GT program and put back into my old school, which caused severe bullying, and while I was in that school I was tested to see if I had Asburgers, as my mother, my teachers, and my doctor all suspected I had. It turned out I had severe ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression, as well as higher intellect, which I hate to say because it sounds obnoxious and pretentious but it was part of what came from my testing that day so I feel I need to include it. My mother then put much higher expectations on me, focusing on the higher intelegence rather than the new found, severe developmental disability that had been diagnosed, considering it as more of a slight inconvenience.

As time went on it became harder and harder for me, as I didnt know how to learn normally, especially since, due to my ADHD, I would frequently forget things, didnt retain things correctly, and I didnt know how to keep track of time dude to to the fact that I can not percieve the passing of time, and each time I was told that I was being lazy and that I didnt care and that I should be able to do it because I was "so smart" and it hurt. It really hurt.

I was trying my hardest, I was doing my best, and I genuinely didnt understand the content, nor did I know how to retain it. My mom and stepdad got more and more frustrated, and began making their punishments more and more severe. It went from me not being able to watch tv, to me being told that I couldnt go outside, to not being able to leave my room, to them taking things away from me that they bought, to talking away things I myself bought, to outright telling me that they would take away my door, would search my phone unprompted sometimes in public and infront of family, and all the time I was being screamed at almost daily. I was trying my best and I just wanted to please them. All the while, under our noses, I had another undiagnosed mental ailment due to my bullying, and their abuse toiling in my mind.

When I was in high school, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Caused by bullys that taunted me, and physically abused me daily while in my fourth grade year, as well as my parents starting to pull away and abandon me emotionally. My parents where told about my diagnoses. They where told they took a part, and that they where a severe trigger. They should have known due to the fact that when they went on their tirades to me, I would panic.

I would freeze up, my throat would close, I would shake and cry and be completely unable to talk, and they KNEW THIS. I knew that they knew this, because they would mock me for it, using phrases like "of course, now we wont get anything else out of him, I dont know why we even waist our time with him" IN FRONT OF ME before sending me to my room.

The worst part? They did this even after my diagnoses, and after being informed. Before, I would have understood, maybe they didnt realize, and maybe they thought it was the only way I would listen, even though it didnt work before. But now, knowing my diagnoses, knowing it didnt work, knowing what they did to me with the yelling and with the mocking, they still did it. That is why I consider it to be abuse.

They did this even after I turned 18. They told me that they would force me to quit my job if I didnt follow their requirements for my schooling, and then threatened to sell the car that myself and my grandparents bought, and they could have, because it was bought while a minor, so it was in their name. I was becide myself, and I felt so traped and overwhelmed that, one night, I packed up my essentials, called an uber, and left, in the middle of the night.

I went to a friend's house, and stayed with them. I was terrifyed of them, I panicked when I saw a car like theirs, I shook when I thought of them, I had nightmares of them coming and taking me back to their house, forcing me to live with them again, but, they never did.

I was free. In the next months I began talking ti them again, though it was rough. My stepdad, for a while, didnt even talk to me when I visited, because of "what I did to them" by leaving. But now, I'm healing, I'm getting better, and my relationship with them it better. Though, I dont think I will ever truly forgive them.

Because of what they did to me, I have lasting mental effects. I dont trust people to touch my belongings, especially my phone. I hardly leave my room, unless absolutely necessary. I panic when I hear yelling, even if it isnt directed at me. I hate being called smart, and the word its self makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have a hard time sharing my accomplishments with people, and when I do accomplish something, I feel like its never good enough.

I faced years of abuse, and ive had people tell me, to my face, that it wasnt abuse, that, because they bought me things, that they didnt hit me, that they always provided me with necessities, that I wasn't abused, and that I'm over dramatic, and that my parents raised me perfectly, and that I should be thankful.

The truth of the matter is that I was abused. They didnt know how to deal with a child with a disability, so they took it out on me, and made me feel like I was never enough. They broke my spirit, and they made me hate myself. Though I may have let it go and have began my journey through healing without them, I will always have the scars of what they did to me, and though I love them despite what I went though, I still know that I was abused. I know I was put through 18 years hell because of them.

Despite that, I know I will be okay in the end.

#tw abuse #abuse story #emotional abuse #mental abuse #psycological abuse #tw mental health diagnoses #tw depression #tw ptsd #tw anxiety

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homestucky · 6 years

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i know ive posted abt it before so sorry for being a broken record but like........... my focus these days is so bad, and i say these days like i can ever remember it being good...... if i try to pay attention to something for more than 1 whole minute my brain starts shrieking and blowing steam like an old timey kettle. ive spent the past 4 days ‘flat out’ working on this paper but the pace is still somehow so slow bcaus i cant even flippign. read the papers im meant to be writing about. like i will pull an all nighter for this and then write 1 page. i just feel like.... this must mean something, right?? or is this just what im like?? am i stupid?? idk what this means. maybe im just tired or not cut out for this. ive been toying with the idea of talking to my doctor about the idea of me having adhd bcaus i think itd explain a lot but there are also considerable parts of how ive heard it described that i dont relate to. and the idea of deciding i think i have it then going and getting told i dont is kind of the worst. it would be so comofrting to have some way for me to describe the experiences im having and be told hey theres a reason your brain is like this. so i almost dont wanna know if i dont, yknow.

also in the uk at least, im p sure a diagnosis condition is you have to have some indication that youve had it since childhood. so i assumed that cant be me, bcaus i was a fairly quiet kid. i did have a really bad temper but other than that i dont remember p much anything abt being under 11. but i literally just today remembered that at the ages 12-16 in maths i never shut the hell up to the point that people who sat next to me thought i was annoying, because i couldnt concentrate in class at all, literally never once finished a set of questions in class even when everyone else could and i was supposed to be ‘good at maths’, just talked talked talked and doodled instead. ive always been a ‘slow worker’ is how i thought of it. i didnt barely do a single bit of work in art classes bcaus id just talk w my friend and like. spin in the teachers spinny chair. i did no work all of yr 11 then realised and went every day for like a month after school when no one was there. but still in class i couldnt do it, even once id decided i should work harder. i have a hard time processing things fast. despite teachers basically telling me i was some kind of prodigy for english lit, when it got to the point in like yr 12 when i couldnt rely on just writing whatever came into my head to get a good grade and actually had to plan, i absolutely flopped and practically developed a phobia of the subject. i was gonna do an english degree but i changed course. also i cant read for fun bcaus i just stare into space instead thinking about 100 other things all more interesting than the book. this has always sort of been the case too. idk i know many stereotypes of adhd are inaccurate but i was shy and ‘well behaved’ and even though i was distracted/chatty i wasnt like.. disruptive. like im not even sure if the teachers noticed me quietly babbling. so it made me never consider the possibility but obviously its far more complicated than that.

still tho, idk i think its p likely im just making excuses for myself with this and i can easily imagine going to the doctor and talking through all this and them being like lol no nice try though. but idk. i still cant help but think about it.

idk this txtpost is p much nonsense but.. yea just attempting to get my thoughts out of my head and fling them into the void so i can carry on doing this awful stupid piece of work lol. wish me luck, im in hell!!!

edit: WHY WASNT THIS UNDER A READ MORE I REMEMBER PUTTING IT UNDER A READ MORE SCREEAAM

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toutorii · 4 years

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Various Honoka HCS

Cause Im self indulgent 😌

⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad, Shirou or Daiki knew what the hell to do with her wings.

⁃ Her first word was "Daiai" which was exposed to be "Daiki"

⁃ Daiki would call Noka "baby bird" and mo one will tell me otherwise

⁃ He also called Shirou "buddy"

⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down. Cause by this point, Daiki had already “joined” AfO.

⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.

⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian

⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day

⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"

⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them

⁃ He also worried for his nephew, who went missing right before Noka and Shirou ended up in his custody

⁃ Didnt want Noka or Shirou to become heroes

⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt

⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One

⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist

⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams

⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A

⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter

⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form

⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy

⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan

⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou

⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi

⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school

⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise

⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them

⁃ Noka is always like that

⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble

⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.

⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"

⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"

⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder

⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.

⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far

⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training

⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries

⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration

⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip

⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle

⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power

⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could

⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery

⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process

⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students

⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA

⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One (A/N: please dont kill me im trying to not make her too op 😭😭)

⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might

⁃ So fast foward to the internships

⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow

⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers

⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit

⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene

⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out

⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat

⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions

⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku

⁃ So— Summer training arc

⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest

⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp

⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero

⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳

⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset

⁃ Some more than others

⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*

⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother

⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"

⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"

⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"

⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk

⁃ Let me set the scene

⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut

⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort

⁃ P r o g r e s s people

⁃ N e ways

⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy

⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight

⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens

⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka

⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him

⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"

⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka

⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)

⁃ He did this to Shirou and Daiki as well

⁃ But Shirou's body wasnt able to handle as many quirks, so AfO discarded him

⁃ Daiki was not aware that Noka was a target, Shigiraki knew he would object and purposely left him out of the loop

⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi

⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers

⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight

⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more

⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka

⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most

⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league

⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled

⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing

⁃ His precious baby sister

⁃ His whole world

⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days

⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka

⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won

⁃ But there was no sign of Noka

⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was

⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"

⁃ The whole class was in a panic

⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?

⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was

⁃ Is she alive?

⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening

⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found

⁃ And they all felt guilty

⁃ But none more than Bakugou

⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak

⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."

⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?

⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit

⁃ From day one she put him in his place

⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has

⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams

⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics

⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control

⁃ To which they asked how he knew her

⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school

⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood

⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter

⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms

⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister

⁃ Speaking of little sister

⁃ She refused to return to the league, so Shigiraki sold her to giran, who then took her to Overhaul

⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki

⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl

⁃ Ill talk about this another time

⁃ So skipping to when they save her

⁃ It was a total shock for them

⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl

⁃ And even more so when she spoke

⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had

⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice

⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall

⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine

⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could

⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye

⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped

⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"

⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear

⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery

⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat

⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes

⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout

⁃ So p a n i k

⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school

⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka

⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted

⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt

⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month

⁃ Only family were allowed

⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her

⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked

⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy

⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode

⁃ But what really shocked them was how her wings hadnt grown back.

⁃ They were then told that they would never grow back, since the bone in them were completely ripped out.

⁃ Thus she needs a wheelchair while she recovers

⁃ Daiki sometimes visits her during the night

⁃ He apologizes to her over and over again for not being there when she was taken

⁃ But also to apologize for abandoning her and Shirou

⁃ She just cupped his wet cheek and said

⁃ "Daiki, I know you had a damn good reason to do what you did. Also you're my big brother. I dont care if you work for All for One, youre still my brother. And you'll always have a home with us. Shouta Shirou and I will welcome you back with open arms."

⁃ Needless to say Daiki just bursted into more tears

⁃ Anyways—

⁃ By the time the school festival comes around, Noka still needs a wheelchair, and isnt the strongest mentally, but she has made tremendous progress.

⁃ After the 1-A concert, Eri sat on Noka's lap the whole time. Except during the beauty pageant, in which Deku held Eri, and Mirio held Noka (cause shes a smol baby)

⁃ Noka was in charge of tesching Eri the basics while she recovered, since the young girl felt most comfortable with her

⁃ When the dual training session came around, Noka still couldnt do much moving around without draining her energy quickly. So she stuck with enhancing her quirk while she built up her physical strength.

⁃ Meaning she healed any and all injuries after the matches were concluded

⁃ Monoma made the mistake of saying something about her not making any progress, and Bakugou was t h i s close to murdering him 😌

⁃ Ever since Noka got back from the hospital, Bakugou has been v e r y protective of his honourary sister—

⁃ But Kendou smacked the blonde before Bakugou could do anything

⁃ Shinsou would totally go like "Noka are you okay? Are you sure you should be out here? How are you feeling? Do you feel sick?"

⁃ Cause Shinsou is a mom

Anyways I have a bunch more hcs but i dont wanna completely bore you. But I was thinking of doing this for Daiki Shirou and Noka as children. Or maybe for Phoebe 😳😳😳　

Comment or send an ask if i should

#Honoka Takahashi #toris ocs

0 notes

volatileukulist · 4 years

Note

...u know i didn't see you also reblogged the ask thing. oops. nyways ophelia and marella (that's the name of that three houses oc you were rping recently, yeah?) using the letters of their names

Okie dokie! And ye, Marella St Sirius was the three houses oc~

~¤¤¤~

Ophelia

O - What's their dream profession?

Her dream profession is to become a teacher. I think it'd be spurred by her desire to nurture others and bring out the best in her students!

Originally I woulda said Violinist, but that went from her dream to more of a hobby now that I think of it XDD

P - Is there something or someone they cannot stand? Why?

I had to think hard about this one because my base instinct was 'Nicole' and I didnt want to do that, but I'd say she can't stand people misusing her friendship/trust.

She's got a lotta love in her heart, and has everyone's best interests at heart at all times so the idea of someone betraying her, or going behind her back boils her blood. She's the type to get spiteful too and hold grudges too, despite the way she carries herself.

H - Something they're exceptionally good at?

Violin!!! She's had an affinity for music since she was a child and has been classically trained for about 11+ years. Wouldn't surprise me if she's trained herself in other styles so she can jam with her friends too.

E - Species (if not human).

Cat faunus *shot*

She's a human in any and all universes, though in her heritage, there is some sort of succubus in there.

L - Their favourite kind of weather

She's sensitive to any sort of cold weather (her lips go blue and she gets shivery very easily and has to layer herself appropriately), so pretty much anything that isn't cold? XD

I - Two things they enjoy

First thing would be I think just… any sort of art. Literature, music, drawing, sculpting, etc etc etc.

Second thing would be, corny as it sounds, hanging out with her friends! She's kind of introverted, so she doesn't have many, but the time she spends with them is time she cherishes~

A - Their full name

Ophelia Heather Lafleur

~¤¤¤~

Marella

M - A few interesting facts about them

Marella is one of my fave new ocs so I have a lot of cool tidbits about her owo

1. She came from Faerghus and was an orphan in the County of Rowe. A lot of her childhood is a blank though, and she doesn't remember much about life before her adoption outside of some… bad things.

2. She was adopted by one of the cardinals of the Western branch of the Church of Seiros, after she was found dying on its doorsteps. They defected from the Western Church after its diversion from the main branch and began living at Garreg Mach.

3. She has an affinity for swordplay and offensive Faith magic, despite being untrained. She believes her talents are linked to the crest that she was instructed to keep secret. She doesn't use her faith magic for fear of outing herself as a crest bearer.

4. Her hair wasn't always white and her eyes weren't always light green… also she wasn't always sensitive to the sun...

5. She loves riding pegasi, but is barred from it due to her poor health. When she's in decent health tho and can go inside, she takes care of a pegasi she calls 'Idris'.

6. She is very good at making floral arrangements. She used to sneak into the greenhouse and steal flowers to give to the priests. As a young teen, she taught herself how to make arrangements for her adoptive father.

A - Their full name

Marella St Sirius (before she was adopted by one of the priests of Seiros, her name was Marella Liane Delaplace)

R - Is there something they can't do that they wish to achieve?

There is a lot she wishes she could do, but can't due to sickness. I think her main dream though, is being able to graduate with her classmates, and to probably live for as long as she can.

She also aspires to make as many friends as she can, so she can be remembered before she succumbs to her sickness.

E - Species (If not Human)

She's human :)

L - Their favourite kind of weather

Probably cloudy weather or windy weather, so she doesn't have to carry her parasol around and because she loves the feeling of wind blowing in her hair and face.

#ask and you shall receive #lup-laguz

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toomanysurveys9 · 6 years

Text

The Redundant Basics I. What does the name say on your birth certificate?

marlina dee.

II. What is the name that all your friends call you by?

usually marlina. sometimes marley.

III. What day of the year do you blow out the candles?

september 1.

IV. Which country authorized your passport?

i don’t have a passport yet. i’m going to get one for wyatt and me though because we want to travel.

V. What are you Zodiac and Chinese signs?

virgo and rooster i think?

VI. In terms of politics, do you sit on the right or the left?

eh. not really on either side completely.

VII. Look in the mirror. The color of your hair is what?

brown.

VIII. Look in the mirror one more time, what color are your eyes?

blueish.

IX. Hop on the weighing scales! How far did the number jump past 0?

i don’t know or care.

X. Stand up straight! How high up is the top of your head from the ground?

about 5′2.5″...

Home Sweet Home

I. Who are all those other people living in your house?

mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, jacob, wyatt, ashley, erin, lillith, rose, phe, cocoa, buffy, and tia. it’s too many people for a tiny 3 bedroom trailer.

II. Do you get along with mom or dad better?

mom i guess. although not so much when we’re living together.

III. What do your parents friends call them?

mom and dad usually.

IV. Any siblings living outside the house?

my brother. he’s so lucky he was able to get out.. i can’t wait to get out.

V. What’s the name of the place you live in currently?

goshen.

VI. You love it there, dont you?

no. i can’t wait to get the hell out of here.

VII. If you could live absolutely anywhere on the Earth, what locale would you choose?

looking at tennessee or georgia.

VIII. Out of all those blood related, immediate or other, which single person would you list as your favorite?

wyatt. without a doubt. that’s my son for those of you who don’t know.

IX. Who is one you wish you didnt share blood with?

jason.

X. Overall, you like moms side of the family more, or dads?

mom’s. dad’s side sucks.

Knowledge Is Power

I. First things first, private or public school?

i went to public schools through high school, and then a private college.

II. What’s its name? mascot? colors?

high school was redskins. bethel was pilots.

III. What is/are the class(es) you can’t wait to get to?

i’m no longer in school.

IV. How about the class you consider bedtime?

when i was in school, i hated the ones about religion, and math classes.

V. The name(s) of your favorite teachers:

high school: snyder, snyder, mama yoder, and sabo. college: lafountain and carlson, even though carlson scared the hell out of me too.

VI. The name(s) of the teacher that puts your to sleep:

loved him, but spivey.

VII. Are you an English/Art, or a Math/Science person?

english/science. sucked at art and math. lol.

VIII. What sports do/have you played:

none. i wanted to play soccer but parents wouldn’t let me since i was so allergic to grass.

IX. When the teacher checks the homework, do you usually get a “0” or a “100”?

i got 100′s more than 0′s.

X. If you could change one thing about your school, what would it be?

i wish i had gone to a different school for college in general.

Confidentiality & Beliefs

I. What’s your worst fear? Have you ever experience this fear?

that i’m going to fail as wyatt’s mom. i kind of feel like i have considering how we’re currently living.

II. Have you ever acted troubled, just to get attention?

no. i have not.

III. Do you believe in God? Jesus? Satan? Heaven? Purgatory?

no. to all of it.

IV. Do you have a secret that you’ll take to the grave with you?

i don’t think so.

V. Have you ever told somebody you loved them, when secretly you didnt at all?

not that i can think of.

VI. (Friends, Religion, Politics, Family, Education, & Relationships) Organize the previous six in order of your personal preference in life:

family, relationships, education, friends, politics, religion.

VII. If you could change one thing about your physical looks, what would it be?

stomach.

VIII. If you could change one thing about your personality, what would it be?

i wish it was easier for me to make friends.

IX. Have you ever cried in front of someone, and felt ashamed of it?

yes. every time i cry.

X. Have you ever done drugs? Are you on drugs? Do you plan to take drugs?

no, no, and no.

The Hills Are Alive With The Sound of Music

I. If you had to pick, what’s your favorite song of the moment?

boy by lee brice.

II. Do you get most of your music from the internet, or from the store?

internet.

III. Even though you can download music, do you still buy cds just because of the cd-case, CD itself, booklet, or just general authenticity?

sometimes i guess, if i really really want it.

IV. What lone genre of music do you prefer above all?

i will probably always love country above all else.

V. What genre of music would you never be caught dead with?

opera probably.

The Small & Silver Screens

I. What’s your favorite movie?

any disney movie. harry potter. lotr. star wars.

II. Generally, what genre of movies do you jump at the oppurtunity to see? (Action, Adventure, Comedy, Horror, Drama, Romance, Science Fiction):

depends. probably action adventure, or romance.

III. Who is the actress/actor you most admire?

misha collins. jensen ackles. jared padalecki. robin williams.

IV. Do you cry during/after certain movies? If yes, what was the last movie you remember crying at?

occasionally. i cry so easy anymore, it’s ridiculous. lol. i don’t remember the last movie i cried during or after, but i’m pretty sure it was animated.

V. What time of day do you prefer to see movies at (morning, noon, or night):

night.

VI. What is the tv show you never miss?

i miss lots of shows. i only have netflix.

VII. What is it you like about it so much?

^^^

VIII. Whats the one tv show you can’t stand?

most reality shows.

IX. Do you think you sped more time watching the television or using the computer?

television. i rarely have time for the computer, whereas the television can be left on as background noise.

X. Do you personally think that you spend too much time watching tv?

not really because i don’t really watch it a whole lot.

Bon Appetite

I. Whats your favorite meal?

pretty much anything my parents cook. :p

II. How about your favorite dessert?

probably ice cream.

III. When only a kid, did you eat your vegetables?

usually, depending on the veggies we were having.

IV. Do you still eat vegetables?

^^^

V. Are you a poor, average, or excellent cook?

probably pretty average at the moment.

VI. What type of food do you prefer?

hmm. i like a lot of pastas, so italian is a favorite and i guess chinese.

Salt or pepper?

probably pepper. not a huge salt fan.

VIII. ketchup or mustard?

ketchup. i barely like mustard.

IX. Do you prefer going out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

breakfast or dinner.

X. Do you eat to live or live to eat?

eat to live.

All’s Fair In Love and War

I. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?

husband actually.

II. Are you in love? Or are you using them?

in love... most of the time.

III. Do you find most of the time you dislike the people that like you and vice versa?

back when people liked me, yeah. lol.

IV. In terms of relationships, are you loving or manipulative?

loving. i usually fall for manipulative people.

V. Do you live to love? or would you rather love to live?

this one doesn’t really make sense.

VI. Do you believe that sex should come before or after marriage?

whenever you want to have sex as long as you’re two consenting adults.

VII. Do you plan to marry, if so at what age?

i am married. we got married when we were 22, a couple months before we turned 23.

VIII. Do plan to have children, if so how many?

i have one and would be okay having one more at some point, but i’m also more than okay with just wyatt.

IX. Are your parents married or divorced?

they’re married and have been 25 years.

X. Do you want to have a big, spactacular wedding with everyone you know invited or a small, traditional, get-together with family and close-freinds wedding?

ours was more on the traditional, small side.

#survey #surveys #personal #question #questions #random

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chickenfetus · 7 years

Note

ALL!!!! (also the gemini sqUAD LOL)

im gonna enjoy a nice cup of water while doing this bc idk a tea (update i didnt drink water at all and now im dying of thirst,, also undercut bc many)

1: Golden mornings or peachy sunsets?

i dont wake up early enough to see the sunrise and when i do i never manage to take pics bc of school so peachy sunsets

2: Sugar cones or waffle cones?

idk what a sugar cone is but i like waffle cones!!! havent eaten ice cream with a cone in forever though,, i rarely eat ice cream now

3: Do you wear scarves often? do you have a favorite?

listen…. its about 33 degrees everyday but even if im in a colder country i dont wear scarves

4: How long do you lay in bed before you finally get up?

this depends?? on how motivated im feeling lmao never more than 10 minutes though because if i lay awake for that long ill just fall back asleep

5: Is there a food you’ve never had but always wanted to try?

i dont think so?? im bad at trying new things especially food

6: What does your umbrella look like?

i dont.. go outside often and whenever i do i take public transport so basically everythings sheltered so i never had a need for umbrellas

7: Do you listen to ASMR?

ive only listened to one everybody please listen to this gift

8: Rain storms or a light drizzle?

both, preferably when im indoors

9: What’s a little thing in life that you love?

hm??????????? my tags lmao

UPDATE: i also really like reading other people’s tags and their rambles that is all

10: Favorite color aesthetic?

does the word aesthetic make this question any different from a normal favourite colour question???? if it doesnt then sky blue

11: Wobbly lines or using a ruler?

in this house we draw lines with no ruler like men (but also because even if i did use a ruler it wouldnt be like… straight idk i cant use rulers

12: Bright colorful living room or neutral cozy living room?

neutral cozy living room but i also love basking in sunlight

13: Do you have any candles? what scents are they?

im not a big fan of heavy smelling products so i dont own any candles

14: Have you ever rode a horse?

i dont think so??????? ive seen horses before though

15: Do you have glasses?

without my glasses i wouldnt be able to read these questions lmao and . .. theyre also a result of watching pokemon too closely to the tv at a young age… its been like 10 years since i got glasses

16: What’s a language you’d like to speak?

japanese i tried speaking it but i got 2 embarrassed to say anything properly while i was in japan (i cant even speak english properly to a friend whyd i think i could speak another language to a stranger beats me)

17: What’s your favorite season and favorite month in that season?

my singaporean no season ass: ? but autumn and november (is this cutting it too close to winter? idk my seasons)

18: Do you have a favorite pair of socks?

hm not really i just wear blue ankle socks a lot but my friend did give me a pair of pokemon and gudetama socks before and i adore those although i lost the gudetama ones in the uk last year she got me another pair whatd i do to deserve her?

19: Favorite Ghibli and/or disney movie

m .. um? big. hero 6??????

20: Disney, Dreamworks, or Pixar?

my dumb ass didnt know they were different

21: What snacks do you usually get at the theater?

i rarely go and watch movies anymore but when i did watch a lot of movies with my friend at the theater we’d get afternoon shows and sneak mcdonalds in lmao

22: What’s an underrated video game/ movie/ show you love and think it needs more recognition?

how about band? day6 i only ever play pokemon + sif + bandori so i cant say much and i rarely watch movies and a show? if its an anime id say the one i mentioned before in my one text post

23: Would you fill your house with plants if you had a green thumb?

not really rip

24; All plants are great but do you have a favorite?

HM mmmmmm there was this one but i forgot the name lmao pass

25: Do you have a favorite type of art style? (eg: soft looking, no to little color, sketches, crisp and clean, minimalist, pixel art etc.)

when im the … audience? what do u call it???? i like seeing all kinda of art styles!!! everyone has their own unique art style and i love it all :o

for ME,, , ive been doing art for 6 years maybe and i still cant do shit

26: What would you do if someone gave you flowers?

i would die straight up die thats such a soft concept i cant imagine myself receiving flowers thats 2 sweet oh my god wtf id combust??? i prefer leaves though is that weird i picked some nice leaves recently and im gonna give those to my friends

27: Do you like nicknames?

giving and having nicknames is my favorite past time

28: Do you still watch shows you watched when you were a kid? even from time to time?

pokemon lmao thank u 4 not ending it…. the animation has only improved and im so proud to have been watching it since the start pokemon is my special thing i love it so much!! an interest that never died down, with an anime that stays super like idk to my preference? i tried watching the new digimon stuff but i just couldnt :^( im glad they made ash stay the main character

29: Do you still like old memes? (tell the truth)

never forget dat boi

30: Favorite Halloween costume you dressed up as? (if you don’t celebrate halloween have you ever cosplayed or would you like to? who did you cosplay as?)

we dont celebrate halloween and i would never cosplay, big shoutout to cosplayers though!!! they put in so much effort and just, respect!!!!!

i dont know if this is an actual memory because i dont remember well but when i was younger i thiNK? i had to dress up as a swan thing i have no clue i dont even remember the performance but i might have had to ?? and dance??? or act i dont remember everythings fuzzy but i dressed up a swan once? in kindergarten ?????

31: Are you a fashionable person?

i have the worst fashion sense and even though jeans are nice once again the weather here doesnt allow me to be as fashionable as i can be

32: Do you like watching holiday movies?

not realyyy??? the jack frost (rip) movie was ncie????

33: Cookies or brownies?

i live 4 chocolate chip cookies but too much is . . not preferable

34: Do you blow in the cold air just to see your breath?

no i hate breathing in & out from my mouth

35: Do you find the crickets chirping outside your window relaxing?

WELL from the great cockroach ordeal last night id probably die bc we live in an apartment building so the only way id be hearing crickets would be if they were in the ROOM

36: Do you like cobblestone streets?

my only knowledge of cobblestone is from minecraft so idk

37: How often do you doodle?

when school was still relevant i would doodle as soon as i picked up a pencil lmao i try not to anymore bc i doodled on my math assignment and forgot to fucking erase it and my math teacher called me out

38: When was the last time you blew bubbles?

a year ago?? i dont remember but i do remember when i was younger id try and blow bubbles at the void deck do yall kno what that is its just a space near the lift lobby anyway i swallowed the soap thing idk u know how ur supposed to blow? well i sucked the soap in yum

39: What’s your favorite random piece of decor in your house and room?

in my room its the bed and in the house its the water bottle that contains water

40: Do you bite your fingernails off or clip them more often?

i………………………… i dont actualy kno how to clip my nails and my mum would kill me if i tried but i dont bite my nails either

41: Any birthmarks?

not that i know of

42: Thoughts on freckles?

ive never actually seen someone with freckles in public before but theyre good stuff i gueess?? i dont actually have an opinion on them? everyone says theyre cute and all but im just ??? not that i hate freckles tho if u have freckles? thats cool!

43: First video game you ever played?

pokemon pearl?? either that or megaman on my ps3 OR the bomb square guy????? idk the game name but.. ya

44: what type of bird do you hear most often outside your door?

i dont know what the bird species are but theyre small black birds not crows idk

45: Do you use gifs/ memes a lot when replying to people?

memes yes gifs no bc im not lame like jen

46: Thoughts on spring?

no comment?? i mean? its nice??????? i guess ??? if we had a spring

47: Ideal temperature outside?

oh boy 20 degrees would be enough for me but its never gotten that low before sunny island’s life

48: Cloudy, partly cloudy, or clear skies?

i like clear skies when its bright! but not too sunny and not too warm!!!!! clouds are nice to look at too though

49: How often do you hear airplanes outside?

yeah we live near an airport i dont think anybody uses????

50: Do you enjoy windy days?

windy days are my SHIT back in school our basketball court was open spaced and whenevr wind blew we could feel it man thats the life right there but i hate windy days when im sitting at home bc it flows the curtains rigth into my face i like the feel of the wind and the smell of fresh air but… curtains in my face? not 2 great so rip i close all the windows lmao

okay thank u so much 4 asking falen i love you and wow this was a lot

#im laughing icb i asked u to ask me thank u for asking #ur a good pal #softshouyous #asks

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robtrujilloart · 7 years

Photo

Dr. Moses "Musa" Powell (1941-2005)- A martial arts master teacher and practitioner from New York. Moses Powell was a master student to , he was so skilled at Juijitsu that he developed his own style and system called Sanuces Ryu and he still ha students such as Anthony Muhammad teaching today. Moses was a teacher to the Nation of Islam, law enforcement, and even the FBI. Ava DuVernay (Born 1972). I know most of you know Ava so I don't need to do the whole bio. But I'll say that I became aware of her work when she released a little documentary called "This is the Life" about a L.A. hip hop scene that produced some of my favorite MC's. And imagine how stunned I was when I realized I'd been listening to Ava rhyme on Project Blowed and didnt even know it was her. This is the 3rd time I've drawn or painted Ava. Yes. Go watch her latest film "The 13th" about prison industrial complex and its relation to slavery. Octavia Butler (1947-2006)- Octavia was in incredible mind. An incredible writer, and a predictor of future. My mom read her work and introduced me to her 15-20 years ago. It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I actually read and understood her work. In fact, she is the reason why I now love to read and share books with others. Her work in fantasy and science fiction has inspired so many with her talent for describing, telling, and bringing you in. I beg you, read her work and check out Octavia's Brood-an anthology of writers inspired by her work. Dawud Anyabwile (born 1965)- Illustrator and co-creator of the Brotherman Comics stories, I first became aware of his work as a teen, and later became rejuvenated by it as a young adult. I have written about this brother in magazines, and social forums because his outlook and approach to life, his views on Black family, and his stunning artistic abilities are a guiding light daily. Go support this living legend now by getting "Brotherman-Revelations" for your kids. Sister Rosetta Tharpe (1915-1973)- A Rock and Roll pioneer, she was one of the architects of what today is now known as Rock in its many forms. She was a pioneer in her life, music, beliefs, and her relationships being a bi-sexual woman in her day. Her style was fierce, loud, and extremely soulful. Oddisee (born 1985). Amir Mohamed is a Sudanese American musicians who both rhymes and produces instrumental music. The basis for his work is hip hop, but it expands to other genre's such as Jazz, Soul, and house. I first became aware of the brother on a visit to DC back in 2008 and have been a fan of him and Diamond District since. His work is extremely skillful, well crafted and thought-out, and balanced with thought and care-free. I think many my age would agree that he is one of most talented to do it. On constant rotation. Support him now by seeing him perform or buying his new LP. These are a few illustrations from last year that were commissioned by a Bay Area Tech company last year for Black History/Future month. There are more, but these were my favorite. If you would like to purchase a print of any one of these email me at [email protected] 8"x11" mixed media on paper.

#Oddisee #sister rosetta tharpe #ava duvernay #octavia butler #Moses Powell #Dawud Anyabwile #black future month #black future month 17 #black history month #black is beautiful #art of Robert Liu-Trujillo #illustration #art #earthtones

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roommateofmyimagination-blog · 7 years

Text

Chapter 5: New people, new problems

✗ Adrian ✗

“Wake up, pup.” Demyan’s little bat voice spoke out while he was poking me with his little boney claw. Groaning, i rolled away from him, shoving off his little wing. “Adrian, if you do not wake up, I will-” he stopped talking as we started viciously making squeaky noises.

Pushing myself up, I turned my head to look wherever Demyan was going when he was cut off. “Demyan?” i mumbled, flipping my hair back out of my face.

“Good morning!” Val spoke up from above me, “I think Demmy here was trying to wake you up so he can get breakfast!” he started petting Demyan’s head, “By the way what does he eat? I don’t know what kind of bat he is.”

“Fruit….or bugs i think. I dunno.” I sat up stretching and yawning, “I usually let him out at night to do his business.”

Val looked at Demyan face on, staring at his face intently. “I dont know much about bats, but i think hes a vampire bat…” he touched Demyan’s nose. “His face is all squished and cute.”

“Like i said, dunno what he eats. I usually let him out at night.” combing my hair with my fingers, i sat there, Then it hit me. “Wait….How did you find Demyan?”

Val chuckled, “I saw him coming in last night, you told me he was your pet but you were half awake at that time.” he set Demyan down beside me, who scuttled his way under my leg, making hissing noises. “Its okay though, i have a surprise too.” Val went over to his bed and pulled out a sleepy white fluffy cat. “This is my little princess! I snuck her in with me!”

The fluffy white ball yawned, showing off her perfectly white sharp teeth and her little pink tongue. Opening her eyes just barely, then

“Ah…” i stared at the cat, “You dont have a litter box?” “I let her out to do her business, she knows how to get back and not get caught. Unlike Demmy.” He had a sly cocky grin on his face. “By the way you should get ready, classes start soon.”

“What time is it?” I picked up Demyan and started petting him. “Seven thirty.” Val said as he went to put his cat down on the bed again.

“Aaaah!!” I put Demyan down and ran to the showers and had a quick brisk shower then came running back to get get fully dressed and ready. I started combing my hair, trying to get my clothes on.

“You have time to eat.” Val looked at me like a mad man, handing two small bowls to Demyan for him to eat.

“I dont usually eat breakfast.” I hunched over and started putting my boots on.

“You should at least eat something.” val had a sour look on his face. “Whats your first class?”

“World art.” I stood up and tossed on a tshirt.

“At nine?” he asked, munching on some toast.

“Yeah why?” i started putting on my top shirt.

“Then sit and eat with me!” He started to beam up. “Come, sit sit!” He started patting the seat beside him.

Groaning, i made my way over to him and pulled out the chair, spinning it around so my chest would hit the back of the chair. He held out a plate of toast and taking one i shoved it in my mouth, mumbling “Mmm.” that was suppose to be a thanks but it didnt really come that way.

“We can walk to class together!” Val got up and put his dirty dishes up. Then walked over to his bed and put his hand on his cat, “Be good while im out Aero.”

Looking over i saw Demyan crawling over to the drawer that he usually sleeps in. “You.” I said, pointing at him. Demyan looked up at me. “We’re havin a talk tonight.”. Demyan hissed at me then crawled into the drawer.

Val walked out the door and I followed after him locking the door behind me. “You shouldn’t get to mad at him, he was only coming back home.” Val said behind me, slinging his bag onto his shoulder.

“Im not gonna spank him, just tell him that he needs to be more careful.” I swung my backpack over my shoulders, “he’s a big boy, he knows better.”

We walked across campus to the art building and got to the room a bit early and sat in the lecture hall for the few minutes in between. Val found a spot that was pretty much the center of the room and sat his stuff down. Dropping my bag on the floor i pulled out the chair beside him.

“I didn’t think you’d sit right next to me.” he said watching me as i was sitting down.

“Whys that?” I plopped down in the seat and leaned back into it, slumping in my chair.

“Thought you’d be the type who sat all the way in the back of the room to avoid the teacher.” he pulled out his notebook from his bag.

“In a class i dont care about, i would.” I crossed my arms, rocking back and forth in my chair.

“You care about this class?” he raised his brow,

“Enough. Its a class that goes towards my major so yeah i’d care. Things like math classes i’d just bullshit.” I stopped rocking in my chair and sat straight as people started coming into the room. “Plus you being a roommate and classmate might help me through the semester.”

“Im not going to do your work for you or let you copy my work.” Val looked at me with the most deadpan look on his face.

“I might be lazy , but im not a cheater.” I leaned in closer to him whispering, “not gonna jeopardize our college careers, cupcake.” I leaned back away from him.

A few moments of soft chiterchat filled our room until our teacher came in. Our teacher set her things down at her podium. “Morning class!” she smiled, “Everyone here for world art?” she paused, “good good.”

She continued on with her introduction on who she was and segwayed into the introduction of her class and her rules. Giving us a brief run down on what would be required in this class, what we will be learning. “Now since its our first meeting together, lets get to know each other!” she pulled out a chair and sat down, “lets share our names and what our majors are, this is a fairly large class. We’ll start in the back.” she pointed upwards behind us. “I know why you students are back there, so you can start us off!”

Val turned his head to look backwards and listen better to the people behind us. The sounds of voices slowly creeping closer to where val and i sat.Until the voices were right beside us. Val went before me. “My name is Valentine Hicks, and im a fashion design major.” he smiled sweetly then whipped his head towards me, nudging my arm.

I sat up in my chair real straight, “Adrian Howell, Photography major with a minor in film and possibly music.” then slumped right back down in my seat.

The rest of that class went by pretty slowly. We got the introductions out of the way pretty fast. The teacher even starting with our first lecture on early arts like cavemen drawings. Val took notes on almost everything that she said. The class was mostly boring due to the fact that we were staring at slides for most of the time and identified the images that we were looking at and vaguely talking about what it was. The class came to a slow end and she dismissed us.

“When’s your next class?” val asked as he packed his stuff up.

“Pretty much right after this.” I stood up and slung my pack over my back. “Thirty minutes between this one and my next.”

“What class?” he stood up lifting his belongings with him.

“Photo 1.” i started walking out of the isle towards the door.

“Is that fun?” he speedwalked behind me.

“Its intro to teaching you how to use a camera basically.” I stopped in the hallway to look down at him as he walked up to me.

“Oh well, where is it?” he asked heading to the stairs.

“Basement.” I opened the door for him and we both walked down the stairs.

“Ah.” he jogged down and stopped at the door for the first floor. “Im on the first.” He pushed the door open, “see you at the dorm later?”

I stopped on the steps just a bit below him. “Sure, dunno if im doing anything after.” i started going back down the stairs, “Later cupcake.” i held my hand up in a peace.

“Later!” Val shouted behind me and the door closed behind him.

The photo class went about the same as the lecture class. Same old same old with the whole ‘Hi my name is’, ‘this class will be about,’ and introductions. The class seemed to be mostly filled with graphic design majors, some fashion and business majors, then me and another girl who were actual photo majors. We got out of class early because no one had any photos to work on and mostly, no one had their camera some people still had to go out and buy their camera.

I walked out of the lab and went up to the stairs to the first floor, pulling out my phone. “Fuck. i dont have his number, and i dont know where he went…” sighing i walked outside and pulled out my box of cigarettes, putting one in my mouth and searching my pocket for my lighter. “Fffff, i left it in the dorm….” i looked around and saw a bright blonde guy sitting on the edge of a gardening block with a cigarette in his mouth. “Hey man, got a lighter?”

The boy looked up at me, flipping his hair to the side a bit. He had bright blue eyes with a equally bright green in the center of his eyes, a small scar on the outside right side of his mouth. With either a scar on his eyebrow or he cuts a section out on purpose. “Yeah, i got one.” he smiled and dug into his flannel button shirt’s chest pocket, pulling out a small simple black lighter.

“Thanks man.” I took it from him, flicking it on and holding it up to my cigarette in my mouth. Handing it back to him after it was lit. “you an art major?”

“Huh?” he looked up at me after sticking his lighter back in his shirt pocket. “Ah no, im not.”

“Whats your major then? You’re at the art building.” i blew out a poof of smoke,

“Oh, i came here for lunch.” he laughed. “Im an engineer major.”

“What kind?” i asked, sitting down beside him.

“Automotive, i work at a garage. Been there since i was a kid, its what influenced me. You? Art major?” he asked.

“Photography, minor in film.” i answered.

“What kind?” his second question.

“What the fuck do you mean, what kind?” i laughed after blowing out some smoke.

“Ya know. For web, magazines….porn?” he had a stupid large grin on his face.

Laughing loudly, “Nah not porn, dont know what kind yet, just taking photos. Ya know.”

“Oh yeah?” he laughed with me. “Whats your name?”

“Adrian.” i stuck out my fist out to him.

“Kane.” he pumped my fist with his.”You live on campus?”

“Yeah, you?” i flicked the butt of my cigarette on the ground.

“Yeah i do.” he took in a deep hit of his, “wanna hang out sometime? Seem like a fun dude.”

“Sure, gimme your phone.” i held my hand out. Kane and i switched phones. “Dude, yours is so dirty!” i laughed.

“I work in a garage dude! Of course its dirty, at least it aint cracked!!” he laughed, typing away on my phone. “I could have ran it over with my truck.”

“Oh dude, thatd be ass.” i chuckled, finishing up my typing on his phone. Tossing his phone back and putting my cig out.

“Gotta bounce man.” he returned my phone and got up, whipping off his ass. “See ya around.” he waved and walked off to a different cluster of buildings.

I continued my remaining time outside, sitting on the same garden block with my back to the doors. Val had to be in the art building right? fashion is considered a art right? Wait why am i waiting outside for this kid like a patient puppy? Getting up i patted my pockets. Key? Patting my thighs and ass more. Keeeey? I patted on the pockets on my button up. No key. Key is gone or i left it in the dorm…..Fuck. I sat my ass back down on the garden block and pulled out my phone to mess around on. Pulling out my earbuds, i plugged them into my phone and turned on some music to hope that will pass time quicker. Swinging my legs up onto the rest of the blocks I laid down on my back, crossing my arms under my head and closing my eyes. Dont know how many songs i actually listened to because i fell asleep and i don’t know for how long.

“Uuum.” A voice spoke up from over me. Cold soft little fingers brushed my bangs away from my face. “Why are you sleeping outside?”

“Hmmm.” I groaned and opened an eye, Looking up at who hung over me. Bright as red hair and skin that looked so pretty with the sunlight on it. “You’re bright as fuck cupcake.”

“Huh?” he stood over me, tilting his head.

“Never mind.” I sat up and sung off the garden block, “you done with class?”

“Yeah.” he moved out of the way for me to stand, brushing his bangs behind his ear. “Why were you sleeping outside?”

“I was waiting.” I stood up and brushed any nature off myself.

“On? For?” he asked.

“You.” I replied.

“Me?” he asked yet again.

“Yeah.” i answered.

“Why?” third question he asked.

“I left my key.” i answered his question again.

“Why didnt you just get an AR to let you in the dorm?” He looked at me with his brow raised.

Standing there and staring off in the distance. “Shut up. I didnt think of that.”

Valentine started laughing loudly and crossed his arms across his body. He had one of the cutest laughs i’ve ever heard. He had a huge smile on his face with perfect white teeth showing. I just stared at him and felt a smile twitch at the corners of my lips.

“Heh, why are you staring at me?” he chuckled and wiped at his eyes.

“Uuuh…” I snapped back to my senses and turned and walked to the direction of the dorms. “Shut up, lets get back, im starving.”

“Wait for me!” Val skipped up beside me, holding his bag close to him.

The walk back to the dorm wasn't a very long one but it felt like if given the huge amount of people who were also going back to the dorms or going to their cars or wherever. We talked about our first days in class together on the the way. We stood at a cross walk that seemed like it would never fucking change so we could wait. And all the students here were too goody to cross the road until the light showed the little white walking man symbol.

Shifting my backpack to sit on both my shoulders, i grabbed Val’s wrist. “Cmon.” I leaned forward to look at the oncoming traffic.

“Huh?” sounded confused as fuck.

“Ready?” I looked back at him with a smirk.

“For?” he looked confused.

“Crossing the road!” I ran out into the street with Val in hand, dragging him beside me. A car coming at us to my left honked at us until we were in the middle of all the lanes where cars cant hit us. Looking at the traffic coming at us from Val’s right. I dragged him back across the street. Getting honked at again by someone driving. Once we were back on the other side of the street, i let go of Val’s hand and looked down at him. “All in one piece?” I laughed.

Val stared at me with a slightly startled look on his face. “Okay.” he said then paused to look at me with a pissy look. “Im okay with crossing the road, but next time lets aim not to get honked at.”

“Naaah, honking is the nicest thing they can do.” I smirked wickedly. “Ive been down town a lot to shoot photos with some other pals, we’ve almost been hit several times.” I stuffed my hands back in my pockets and walked ahead of him.

“Is that an accomplishment?!” he sounded pissy and confused.

“Fuck yeah! We all came out unharmed!” I laughed.

“You...we! Could have been hit!” He shouted as he ran back up to me and slugged me in the arm.

“But look!” I bent down a bit to his level with a smirk on my face, “we live my precious little cupcake.”

When we got to the apartment room, Val unlocked the door to see his little princess on the other side. Dropping his keys by the door he picked up Aero and loved on her. Closing the door behind me I searched for my keys. Getting on the floor to check under the bed or really under anything. Hearing a little jingle above me on the dresser, I saw Demyan dragging my key around the dresser. Snatching them away from him. Demyan made little laughing squeaks as he crawled back away from me and bounced around on the top.

“Im going to go out and shoot.” I got up off the floor, patting my jeans.

“What?” Val turned to look at me with a confused look. His cat also looking equally confused.

Grabbing my camera bag and holding it up slowly, “Shoot…” i paused, “...Photos.”

“Ooooh,” Val’s eyes went wide then back to normal, “Okay that makes more sense.” he chuckled lightly and set his cat down. “Need any help?”

“Nah.” I started digging around in the bag, shoving some miscellaneous shit into it , “teacher just kinda wants to see what we can do and know already.”

“And you’re already a pro?” he rocked on his toes, his hands behind his back.

“More like a seasoned not yet baked potato.” I was still digging through my bag. “Wait…” I stood in place, dropping my shoulders, feeling my face twitch. Valentine started laughing hard, hunching over on himself and holding is waist. “Shut up….i wasnt paying attention...” i scratched my head.

“I-its heheh, Its okay.” He started wiping at his eyes. “That was funny though.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” I slung my bag across my body, letting it hit my left hip. “Dunno when i’ll be back.” i started walking to the door.

“Do you have my number?” Val asked from his spot on the bed with his cat on his lap.

Holding the door handle, I stared at the door. “Nooo.” I let go of the door and turned around, pulling my phone out of my pocket and tossing it to him. “I meant to get it from you, thats why i was outside.”

“Ah.” He said as he typed his number into my phone. “Here.” He handed me back my phone and also handed me his.

Sliding mine in my pocket i went in to his contacts and added my number for him. “Here.” I handed him back his phone. “Ill text you when i head back to the dorm. Dont know how far i’ll go out.” I felt something crawl up my leg and it was Demyan crawling up into my camera bag.

“Alright, be safe.” He smiled sweetly and petted his cat again.

“Will do.” I waved him off and headed out of the dorm. Walking down the stairs and hopping off the last few steps, I tied up my hair into a messy as fuck bun on the top of my head. Digging into the bag for one of the pairs of earbuds that i use. “We’re going to take photos first. Aight.?” I touched Demyan’s head.

He looked up at me. “Fine but go deep into the forest area. We will meet up there.”

“We? You leaving me?” I asked looking down at him and putting my earbuds in.

“No. But we will meet some other people there.” He said, then yawned. “Wake me when you finish.”

“Will do.” I patted his little head and closed the top. Pulling up the music on my phone, putting it on shuffle, play and sliding it back in my pocket. I made my way from the apartment buildings to the forest area just off campus. Had to cross a lot of fucking roads to get to the forest though. Got honked at once...or three times. After me being a few traffic hazards, i got to the forest. Sliding down the mini hill and hitting the base and walking further in. Opening my bag, i pulled out my camera and wrapped it around my neck. “We’re here.” I tapped on demyan’s little back.

He picked his head up, and yawned. “Then do your business, when you are done and i will then guide us to the meet up spot.”

“Yes sir will do.” I popped the cap off my lense and put in the bag then let the top drop down and buckled it back up. I took a lot of shots of the forest just as it is. Not messing with the scenery and just leaving it natural. Going further in i found a creak that i took a few shots of. A few birds landed by to drink or bathe in it. Got a few shots of some squirrels climbing the trees or sitting on the ground digging around for some food. Further in i found some abandoned old as fuck shit. Like a randomly old and rusted bike against a tree, wrecked car, and dropped off things like a sofa, washing machine and fucking fridge. “Who the fuck leaves this shit here?....” I paused and looked around, “If i see a corpse or fucking ghost ball in my photo i’m dipping the fuck outta here.” I went around the random shit and took photos of almost all of it. Sitting down on a log i grab Demyan and pull him out then put my camera cap back on and put it in there. “Demyan, cmon.”

He shook his little head. Looking around he looked up at me, “this is an...interesting place.”

“Yeah it is.” Setting him down, “Alright lead me.” He wiggled his little body, a big cloud of dark black smoke filled my general area. Coughing and swatting it away, “could warn me.”

“Truly sorry pup.” Demyan had a smirk on his face and he adjusted his little crop top jacket bull shit thing. He looked down at his feet, “Hm, this is the downside of not wearing shoes.”

Laughing, “yeah dipshit.” Demyan turned to me then flicked me right in the middle of my forehead, between my eyes. “Fuck ow.” I covered my face with one hand.

“Do not get smart with me.” he eyed me, “Now follow me.” He started walking off.

“Fine fine.” I followed after him.

We walked in silence. Not an awkward kind, not a friendly kind. Just we were silent. I walked behind Demyan, only looking at his back. The only noises were the sound of our feet hitting the dirt or stepping on dead dried up leaves. The sounds of a few birds or the wind rustling trees or bushes. Demyan’s head kept looking to his left and his right. Occasionally he’d look back at me over his shoulder to make sure i was still following him. We were losing light in the woods from the sun going down and just the fact that we were in a very covered area.

Demyan turned around and faced me, “I need you to transform.”

“Why, we at the spot?” I asked. Raising my eyebrow.

“No, but you need to hide your identity.” he held his hand out to me, “come here.” doing as he asked, i walked up to him. Demyan lifted up my shirt to expose the chain on my hips. He squatted down and touched the charm with his mouth. Covering my face from the embarrassment of having Demyan down in that general area. He stood up and smirked a bit “Leather looks good on you.”

“Thanks, i fucking hate it.” I groaned, dropping my hand to my side.

“Have you figured out a name?” He turned his body away from me.

“Hmm.” I hummed, “Drakul.”

“Drakul...In reference to Dracula?” He eyed me. “Yep.” I smirked at him.

He sighed heavily, shaking his head with a smirk. “You humans are interesting in your names.”

“Hey dog breath’s name is Lycaon. Tell me thats original.” I smirked and chuckled a little.

“Well, you two might like each other then.” he laughed lightly. “Follow, Drakul.”

“Shut up.” I followed after him further into the forest. After what felt like half an hour of walking, i spoke up from behind Demyan “We almost there?”

“Yes. we’re here actually.” He moved some bushes apart and walked through.

Following after him through the bushes. We were in an opened field. Trees formed a circular border around this field. It was eerie, spooky and beautiful in its own way. Demyan pulled my bag off of me, hiding it somewhere. There were six other people in this field, not including me or Demyan. One woman, and five men. They all sat in pairs scattered a bit from each other as if they didnt want to interact with each other. Demyan put his hand on my back and pushed me forward walking beside me.

“These will be your partners.” He whispered to me.

“Really?” I asked leaning into him a bit.

“They are villains like you, so you might all work together.” he smiled at me, then slid his hand off my back. “Hello, friends.” Demyan walked in front of me.

“Hi, Dem.” A orange creamsicle haired man spoke with a lot of cheer in his voice. He stood out a lot compared to everyone. He was oddly very brightly dressed. He seemed like a cat type of Magicae Socius. He bounced his way up to demyan, taking his hand in his.

“Hello Demyan.” A dark forest green long haired man spoke. He wasnt as brightly colored as the orange dude. He mostly wore shades of green with gray accents. He had a long scaled tail drag behind him as he walked up to Demyan and touched his shoulder.

Another man who was not half dressed walked up to demyan. He never said anything. He was clad in dark blues, black, white and gold. He had pointed rabbit ears and a big fluffy tail. He was dressed just as different as the cat man, they stood out amongst the other two.

Demyan turned and looked at me over his shoulder. He had a smile on his lips. Mouthing the words, ‘go talk to them.’ he turned to talk to his buddies yet again. The four of them huddled in their own little group at distance from us.

Looking over to my left i saw a large, very primitive dressed man sitting on a rock that was in the field. He was very earthy colored. He had a fur collar wrap around his shoulders and go under to connect at the back i imagine. Tan tight compression like shorts with the same color of a pelt wrapped around his waist and hung behind him like a skirt. He had a leather and fur trimmed guard on one of his arms. A beaded and fang like necklace hand across his collarbone connected to the fur on his shoulders. No shoes instead he had wrapps around his legs and feet, and on one of his elbows. He had long dark red hair that was wild and not combed through at all, framing brownish amber eyes. On Top of his head were pierced cat ears.

Looking just roughly in front of me, stood a man with bright short spiked red hair, leaning against a tree. He had two black horns sticking out from his hair. An eyepatch covering one of his eyes just under his hair, the only eye you can see being a dark brown. He had just as bright red scaly wings and a scaly tail hanging out from under his brown and white tunic like shirt. He was almost fully covered except his hands and most of his face. He had a scar on the exposed side of his face.

Turning to my right stood the only woman here. She was sitting on a log playing with a short knife. She wore a dark purple and gray one piece skimpy bathing suit like outfit with long sleeves hang on her arms, one of her legs covered with a dark purple sock while the other had a holster only on it and a gray sash wrapped around her waist. Her hair was pulled up into a bun with some of her hair hanging loose to frame her face and some in the back, a pin stuck in her bun and a decorative clip on the left side of her hair. She had long rabbit ears that hung on each side of her head. When she looked up she had bright pale yellow eyes and lavender lipstick on.

Sighing and rolling my head side to side. “Alright, bitches, what are we doing here?” I asked looking back and forth at the three new people.

“Dunno exactly.” The bright red head spoke first, leaning off his tree and walking towards me, he hung his hand out to me. “Pendragon. You?”

Taking his hand in mine, “Drakul.” we both shook hands and dropped. I held my hand out to the other man who walked up.

“Tsuyoi.” He held my hand in his. Fuck he had a really strong grip, and big ass arms.

Nodding to him, i held my hand out to the girl, “and you lady?”

“Takeshi.” She said and took my hand in hers.

“Sounds manly as fuck.” Pendragon looked at the girl. “Never said i had to have a feminine name.” She glared over at him.

“Sounds like just a name.” Tsuyoi remarked too. “Like Tsuyoi is much better, kitten.” She smirked, letting go of my hand. “Never said i had to have a ‘villainess name’ like fucking, The wicked queen.” she scoffed, “I picked my name based of him,” she pointed to the dark haired rabbit man, “,I picked it as if I was fighting as him.”

“Well, i have nothing against it. I was just thrown into told to pick a name for myself.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “And let me guess,” point to each as i said it, “Cat, dragon, rabbit?”

“Yep.” Takeshi said. “Close, Sabertooth.” Tsuyoi said.

“Spot on, Dungeon master.” Pendragon laughed. “Why do you look like a BDSM bitch?”

“I have no clue, apparently im a vampire.” I shrugged. “I havent been given a full run down yet, fairly new to this.”

“Oooh, you’re a baby to this.” Takeshi laughed.

“Hey, its aight man. So is she.” Pendragon chuckled. Takeshi slugged him hard in the arm. “OW!”

“So you the oldest to this?” I looked towards Tsuyoi.

“Sadly, i guess Kenaz found me first.” He mumbled, crossing his arms. “Kenaz?” I raised my brow.

“The orange haired sugar rush over there. His name is Kenaz. Hes my partner.” Tsuyoi jutted his thumb to the group of men.

“Oh. And yours?” I looked to the other too.

“Green dragon is Ryuikum, hes mine.” Pendragon held onto his arm, rubbing it.

“Lappin is mine.” Takeshi answered simply.

“Then dark and mysterious is Demyan, hes my partner.” I scratched my head. “So what are we doing here?”

“No clue.” “Dunno man.” “no idea.” the three of them all said at once and shrugged.

“Fuck.” I sighed, “Demyan!” I shouted and he turned, “ass here now, explain.” I pointed down at the ground in front of me.

Demyan looked like he was chuckling and he turned to walk up to us, the others following behind him. “What is it my pup?” He said.

“Explain what we’re doing.” I glared at him.

“You will all four spare today, we were deciding the pairings.” He smiled sweetly, but it wasnt sweet. “Pendragon and Tsuyoi verses Takeshi and Drakul.”

“Sweet. Fighting time.” Pendragon looked eager. “What established these teams?” Tsuyoi looked over to Kenaz.

“The fact that Pendragon can fly and Takeshi has strong jumping, we paired you two up with someone whos not as...mobile.” Kenaz had a cheshire smirk on his face. “We thought itd be unfair to put You and drakul against Pendragon and Takeshi. So we split it that way over other ways.”

“Sounds good to me.” Tsuyoi shrugged. “Rules?” he asked.

“Not much.” Ryuikum spoke, “other than dont kill or break bones to where you cant fight.”

“So one rule, got it.” Pendragon put his fist in his hand.

“And no weapons.” Lappin spoke as well. “Two rules, fine.” Takeshi took of her holster band with a knife in it and gave it too lappin pulling a fan off her hip as well.

“Hand me your kusarigama,” Kenaz held out his hand. Tsuyoi pulled a out a knife with a chain on it and handed it to him.

“Shield and Halberd are over there.” Pendragon pointed over to a tree with his weapons on the grass. His partner looked back, then back at him and then sighed and had a semi defeated look on his face.

Handing my whip to Demyan he held it tight. “Now that that is settled, everything is free game. We will be off where we can not interfere.Spread apart from each other, and once we’re gone you may start Have fun.” he had a wicked smile on his face. After Ryuikum grabbed Pendragon’s weapons, they all disappeared to some place.

Me and Takeshi stood off a good distance from Pendragon and Tsuyoi. “Any plan?” I asked leaning down towards her to whisper.

“Don’t get your ass kicked and dont kill them.” She smirked and looked up at me. “Wanna start it?”

“Honestly, no.” I turned my face towards her still looking at the other two. “Might be smarter to let them-” I was cut off be her yelling.

“Move!” She shouted, and hunched down and shot up into the air.

“Wait, Wha-” I was so lost then a brute fucking force slammed right into me. My back hit the ground as a man’s arms were wrapped around me and he pinned me down. Tsuyoi hung above me, his hair hanging down to frame his face and hang in front of me. He had a toothy smirk on his lips as he stared down at me. Growling a bit, I opened my mouth lunging at his throat. He let me go and got off me pretty quickly. He backed up a fair distance from me. Rolling up onto my shoulders with my legs bent above me, i flipped myself up and onto my knees, one of my hands hitting the ground. Hissing at him loudly.

“God damn, you look like a vampire bat.” He chuckled a bit, hunching over himself. He held himself like a lineman on a football team. His hands up looking like they are ready to catch me again.

Tilting my head to the side, still crouched down on the ground. I looked over to see Takeshi bouncing side to side and up and down to avoid Pendragon’s sweeping moves to catch her. Smirking and looking over at him. “You have to catch me first.” I slowly leaned to the left then darted off into the forest.

“Hey!” Tsuyoi shouted behind me and came running after me. “Thats cheating!”

“They never said we couldn’t use the surrounding area!” I climbed up a try and hid in the foliage. Tsuyoi was just underneath me. Looking around side to side, front and then back all around him. He looked up a few times but must not have seen me. Crawling silently and slowly on a branch i made my way around him so i was behind him. Tsuyoi walked a bit forward, still looking for me. Shouting for me and swearing. Launching from the tree, i tackled his back. Tsuyoi stumbled a bit but was able to stay standing. Bending his head to the right i opened my mouth to bite his neck. Tsuyoi’s hands made their way around me, grabbing my clothing and one of my arms. He pulled me over his head and launched me over him and forward. My back hitting the dirt hard, and sliding just a bit further in front. Coughing hard and violent on him back, i laid there for a second before i heard Tsuyoi’s footsteps. Scrambling upwards onto my feet and facing him, I darted over to the right and moved around him, heading back to the open field.Tsuyoi following shortly behind me.

“Fight me you coward!” he sounded pissed as all hell.

“Hell no you fucking brick shithouse!” I yelled back to him. Once i was back in the opened field, i saw Pendragon and Takeshi rolling around on the ground. Pendragon holding her down. Running towards them i tackled Pendragon and got him off of Takeshi. Takeshi got up fairly quickly and looked at us then back to see Tsuyoi running in towards us. She ran at him, jumping up just before impact. Tsuyoi ran just under her, when she grabbed him around his neck and pretty much pulled him back down with her from gravity doing its work and pulling her down towards the ground. He held his head in her arms and one of his arms between her legs. Tsuyoi brought his legs up and bent backwards over Takeshi, some how getting his arm out of her legs. Her arms still around his neck. He stood up, flipping her around. Takeshi held onto his neck, hanging on and dangling behind him.

“Youre a fucking big man!” She complained from behind him.

“And you’re annoying.” He complained trying to get her off.

Pendragon and i tumbled around on the ground. Both of us hissing and growling at the other. Seemed like we both had the same idea to bite each other. Pendragon’s tail came up and whapped me in the head, knocking me off of him.

“Tails are so cheating!” I complained, rubbing my face.

“Its not a weapon, just cuz you dont have one doesnt mean i cant use mine!” Pendragon hopped up onto his feet with a smirk.

“WOAH!” Tsuyoi’s voice yelled from behind me. Pendragon’s face looked like he just saw a miracle happen. Turning around i saw Tsuyoi flat on his back and Takeshi stands above him, fixing her sleeves and looking proud as fuck.

“What happened?” I asked, confused as all hell.

“I flipped him, whats it look like.” She pointed down at Tsuyoi.

“I think….I think i’m done, i just wanna lay here.” Tsuyoi groaned on the ground just staring at the sky.

Me and Takeshi looked over at Pendragon who was still wide eyed. He held up his hands and had a nervous smile and chuckle, “Uncle, i like my spine to be unfucked with thank you. Plus, i think im hurt from when wrestling with Takeshi. Oh, ow, i hurt...ack.” Pendragon held his side and flopped onto the ground.

“You’re pathetic.” Takeshi walked over to him and nudged his head with her foot.

“Does that mean we spar?” I asked, but mostly mumbled to myself. Takeshi looked over at me with a look of, Yes please let me kick your ass too.

“That is enough kids.” Demyan emerged from the dark forest. “You all seem to fight well, but do not know you actually have some powers as well as having animal abilities, respectively to your parenter.”

“Does Pendragon breath fire?” I asked looking at Demyan.

“No, he might have dragon like attributes and appendages. But he cant breath fire.” Ryuikum walked up to Pendragon and squatted down by him. “I’ve made sure several times...He still thinks he can.”

“You’re a dragon, im a dragon. Let me breath fire damn it!” pendragon started complaining from his spot on the ground.

Ryuikum put his hand on his face, “Hush, i thought you were hurt from your fight.”

Kenaz was hovering over Tsuyoi, talking to him and helping him up. Lappin went to talk to Takeshi, seeing if she was alright. Ryuikum was still arguing with Pendragon about his abilities. It seemed like they all cared for their respective partner. The magicae went to their chosen one like they were parents or teachers who cared for their student. Its hard to believe that we’re villains, but together we seem like a bunch of kids who dont know what we’re doing and we’re just doing what seems natural. It was kinda fun honestly, expect for the being tackled and tossed like a football.

Demyan touched my shoulder, “Pup, here.” He handed me my bag and whip. “It is time we go home.” he whipped some dirt off my face. “Thank you for coming friends, Let us do it again. These young ones have much to learn.” He put his hand on my head, playing with my hair. “It was a pleasure meeting you Tsuyoi, Pendragon and Takeshi.”

“Of course, you know how to contact us. Next time we should get fenris!” Kenaz smiled, holding onto Tsuyoi who was rubbing his back. “Fenris’s child is a bit….reckless even for a villain.” Lappin looked concerned. “I worry about them.” He handed Takeshi her weapons back.

Ryuikum stood up, Pendragon soon after. “We will all have to meet...all five of us. Lycaon is out of hand.” He looked serious. He turned his gaze to Demyan, “Make sure it happens.”

“Of course.” Demyan looked just as serious, then a small smile showed on his lips. “Good night, my friends.” Demyan grabbed my arm and we went off in a different direction from the others.

Demyan’s hand lingered down my arm, sliding over my wrist then he let me go. His hand went to the zipper of my outfit, pulling it down and bent down and touched my charm again with his mouth. Standing up he turned andwalked in front of me yet again. His head looking always in front of him with little motions to look back at me. I kept my head low looking at my feet. I lifted my arm up and grabbed the back of Demyan’s jacket.

Demyan turned around slightly and looked at my arm then up to my head. “What is it my pup?”

“Is there something we arent doing?” I looked up a bit, “the others seemed closer to their partners.”

“You are still new to this, do not fret over it too much. We have not been together very long.” He lifted his hand and put it on my head, “relax, let us go home.” his hand left my head and grabbed my arm, guiding my back to the dorms. When we were on the edge of the forest and campus, Demyan turned into his little bat form and got into my camera bag.

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and walked the empty silent street to the apartment buildings. Walking up to the stairs to my dorm. I pulled my keys out and unlocked the door. Valentine turned his head quickly to look at me from his desk, and he looked furious.

“You’re really late, and you didnt text me!” He got up a bit. He was already in his pajamas. A loose tshirt that hung off one of his shoulders and some really short shorts that exposed almost all of his slender smooth pale legs. “Where were you?”

“Does it matter?” I looked over at him closing the door behind me and dropping my camera bag down on the floor by my other bag.

“Yes it does! I was worried about you.” He was up and coming towards me. “You were gone taking photos for way too long and you never texted when you’d be-”

He was starting to piss me off. Turning to face him i grabbed his shirt in my fist, pulled him closer to me and up onto his toes. Looking down at my feet, “Look, you dont need to give a rats ass about me. We’ll only be around each other this semester, probably never see each other again.” looking up to see Valentine’s shocked face, “So i recommend you drop the shit about caring about me.”

His faced turned from shock to anger. “Im not heartless, you and i are roommates now, i’d like us to be on good terms and enjoy our time together.” His hands were wrapped around my wrist.

Eyeing him up and down, I put him down still holding onto his shirt. “Look, just fucking drop it for tonight. Im in a bad mood.”

“Why?” his grip on my hand lessened a bit. “What happened?”

“Don fucking worry about it, dont wanna talk about it.” I let go of his shirt and shoved my hand on his chest, smoothing it out for him. “I’m going to bed.” I looked down at the floor to see Demyan crawl out of my bag. “Please, just...just drop it.” I said softly. Walking away from him to my bed. Kicking my shoes off by my desk. Pulling my shirt off over my head and tossing it into my clothes basket. Taking my pants off, i switched my jeans for a pair of loose shorts and crawled into bed.

“Good night.” Val said softly, almost too soft for me to even hear him.

Playing with my earbuds and phone, i plugged in the cord and turned on some music and put the buds in one of my ears. “Night.” I said and put the other bud in and dropped my head on the pillow. Demyan was in his little bat form and crawled onto the bed a distance from me. He looked mildly concerned. Wiggling two of my fingers, motioning for him to come closer. He made his way to me and laid down beside my chest, I gently put my hand on his little back and closed my eyes.

#Adrian Howell #Valentine Hicks #Oc story #Ocs

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Sympathy for the Incel

If you want to know why young men are broken, ask them.

There is a cultural crisis emboldening the misogyny and violence of the little-known incel movement (an abbreviation for the self-professed involuntary celibate community of men) and which has now been tied to three mass murders: Elliot Rodger, Chris Harper-Mercer and, this week, the alleged Toronto killer Alek Minassian, who is accused of killing 10 and injuring 15 people in one of the most horrific acts of mass violence in Canada in years.

One after another, media outlets are seeking to understand how this could happen while raising the question of how we got here. The Internet is enabling a community of men who want to kill women, read the headline in The Verge. Can the radicalization of incels be stopped? asked the Globe and Mail. But one headline stood out, from The National Post: What should we do about the incels? Maybe help them. Shouting about what horrible women-hating losers they are (which they may be) is not going to prevent one of them from murdering again.

This, in particular, is the question Im concerned with, and why I am attempting to find whatever empathy or compassion might be possible for the disconnected young men flocking to the movement and who might be at a crossroads. One young man stood out in the countless hours I spent listening to podcasts, videos and chat room conversations within the incel community which I have been following for months now: 19-year-old Jack Peterson, a socially awkward Chicagoan who after hours of interviews agreed to reveal his real identity for the first time to The Daily Beast.

To be clear, Peterson initially did not want to do any media regarding the group, particularly a profile on what the makings of an incel look like, but after considering my appeal that perhaps others might want to reach out if they could have a better understanding, he agreed.

Born Kalerthon Demetro in the suburbs of Chicago, Peterson (his mothers last name) is a high school dropout who lives with his single mother and whose father left when he was two years old. Peripherally involved in the online incel community for years, Petersons first reaction to the Toronto horror was to record a podcast specifically condemning violence and misogyny and underscoring that for the majority of participants, this is not their reality. For him and many like him, he says, the incel community is a means of supporting one another in a world when it sometimes feels like there is no one else.

To listen to the teenager speak, he does not seem psychopathic. He does not seem like he endorses psychopathy. On the contrary, he seems shy and awkward and lonely and angry. He laughs when other incels make dark jokes about killers, but he does not make them himself. He gets it. They are blowing off steam.

Being an incel is not about violence or misogyny, repeats Peterson, who is the only incel who has been on television doing interviews in recent days since the alleged Toronto killer pointed a finger at the incel movement in a cryptic post on Facebook confirmed earlier this week. Yes, for some guys it is, but not for me. Not for many of us.

The challenge in covering the incel movement is that in many cases the cherry-picked and sensationalist coverage reinforces these mens persecution complexes and drives them further into a pit of rage-fueled nihilism. Attempting to find any kind of compassion is in no way to excuse or normalize the deranged among them. On the other hand, it is to see what options we have left in reaching them at all.

In the groundbreaking book Change or Die, author Alan Deutschman writes, [The sense of self is threatened by any major change in the deep-rooted patterns of how we think, feel, and act, even a tremendously positive change such as leaving behind a life of crime and addiction. A change in progress demands new explanations for a past thats now cast in a darker light.

Essentially, reaching someone entrenched within a near-fanatical belief system is often impossible because the ego will put up a fight to the death in order to not deal with the psychic pain of feeling that everything that has been done up until this point has been done wrong. But it is possible.

In Deutschmans book, spanning extensive research on changing past negative behavior to future positive actions, one case study of a parole officer illuminates how he found the most success in reaching the seemingly unreachable. By realizing that the real reason why people dont change is demoralizationthe overwhelming sense of hopelessness and power he applied the theory that the most he could do is to inspire a new sense of hope and power. Indeed, this officer invited 14 of the most argumentative ex-convicts and spent 90-minute sessions listening to them rather than telling them what to do. The response was extraordinary. The parole officer recounted: In one and a half hours they calmed down. They said, These guys arent against us. Now they come back every week and say, At least Im being listened to. In the last year the difference has been huge. They want to make a change.

In speaking to Peterson on the phone, while a journalist is about as a far away from a parole officer as you can get, its amazing the difference that occurs when I listen to what he has to say about the reality of incel culture versus how he sees the media portraying its members.

In his view, as despicable and morally unfathomable as the psychopathic fringe is, the reality of the wider membership estimated in the tens of thousands of active members is far more complex.

The way Peterson tells itand as is supported by his digital footprint of videos, podcasts and commentsfor him and many others, to be an incel is to seek the camaraderie of a group of male peers who provide an outlet where, for once, they can honestly talk about the increasing fragmentation, disconnection, alienation and ostracization they feel in an always-online world in which, as far as they can see, they are not welcome or wanted.

Peterson compared the mischaracterization of incels to the xenophobic broad brush that takes a minority of radicalized Islamic suicide-bombers and uses it to condemn the vast majority of Muslims. Instead, he said, there is an acceptance that there is a vile minority who distorts the vision of the communitybut that it is not his vision for the group.

Like many in the incel community, Peterson essentially grew up without a strong father figure.

His mother kicked his father out because, in Petersons words, he used to beat the shit out of my mother and she got a restraining order. His father was the same age that he is now when he got his 39-year-old mother pregnant, and hes never met him, but they have spoken on the phone a few times.

I dont really have any feelings about him, Peterson says. He just kind of is.

From an early age, Peterson felt a level of social anxiety that was bearable but distinct. His kindergarten teacher asked him why he did not play with the others. He said, I dont know how.

Things started to change around the third or fourth grade. It was the first time the girls started making fun of him, he says, saying he was creepy and gross and weird.

I didnt understand it, he says. I was told either to act like a man or that girls could do no wrong. And yet I was constantly told that men were the cruel, bad ones. None of it made any sense to me. I was just extremely shy. I didnt talk to them, but the teasing was relentless and made me want to kill myself.

In the seventh grade, Peterson transferred to three different middle schools all in one year as the bullying followed him everywhere. By the time he reached high school, he says, one young woman started taking photos of him and sharing them with other girls who openly laughed in his face about how ugly he was and why they did not want him near them. He did not finish his freshman year at the Chicago Academy for the Arts, but dropped out after the first semester. His mother never knew the extent of the bullying he experienced.

I was just ashamed, he says. How do you talk about that?

The profoundly formative pain of youthful bullying has been around forever. When a classmate taunts you and proclaims your worthlessness to all your peers, if you are a kid, the humiliation of such an experience doesnt feel like its happening in a classroomit can feel like a worldwide-televised death sentence.

Very few kids on the receiving end of the cruelty know how to deal with itbecause of a lack of life experience that is just as undeveloped as their pubescent brains.

But for a kid growing up today, the tool of the Internet levels the game. No longer do you wonder, Will anyone ever love me? Now you can Google it, and find secret places and communities and bodies of knowledge that your parents dont even know exist. This can be exciting, emboldening, a total game-changer.

I remember the first time I found a site that even mentioned the word incel, I was like, Woah, these guys are outcasts, too, he says. I kind of felt like, maybe Im not alone.

At the age of 11, Peterson visited 4chan for the first time, and he saw his rage and loneliness expressed as well as the impotence of such advice as just get over it. He didnt know how to. He didnt have anyone to ask. He just didnt want any more ridicule.

It was kind of crazy to see and read a lot of the stuff I did, Peterson says. But it was also the only place where other guys talked about some of the things I was experiencing. Feeling so alone and rejected by the people around you. I was extremely shy then, and still kind of am, but it makes you feel really fucked up to be told youre a creepy loser by a pretty popular girl when youre just sitting there, saying nothing, doing nothing, wishing you were invisible but instead being the quiet freak with the cystic acne all over his face.

He also received an indoctrination into the culture of these young men who accepted him and what they found acceptableand what he would need to as well if he were to finally fit in somewhere.

To understand the increasingly irony-rich language of the users, its essential to read Angela Nagles book Kill All Normies, which exquisitely captures the critical shift in online perspective and the death of what remained of a mass culture sensibility that happened at exactly the same time Peterson began actively engaging with it.

In her brilliant book documenting the culture wars of the extreme left and the extreme right in recent years, focusing on subcultures including 4chan and incels, Nagle describes the attitude rebellion on the site against the sentimentality and absurd priorities of Western liberal performative politics and the online mass hysteria that often characterized it.

Peterson is one of the best representations of exactly how these culture wars are shaping our young mens identities.

When everything is ironic, nothing is. So they mock it. All of it.

Theres this big hypocrisy in the fact that so many people who say they are all about human rights and empowerment think its actually funny when boys get mocked, he says. I never said a single misogynistic thing growing up. And I was punished. Just because I was weird. I couldnt help it. I honestly wanted to die.

On the contrary, the incel communities he found online seemed different.

When I dropped out of high school, the one place I felt okay about stuff for a little while was when I was online, Peterson tells me. By the time I discovered the incel culture on Reddit, it felt like, Okay, Im not insane. I was reading all these other guys stories about how girls told them they were repulsive. I never identified with the misogyny, but I did identify with the rage at the hypocrisy of just how untouchable women were in society. No matter what, no matter what awful thing a woman did, it was always supposed to be like, Oh yeah, thats female empowerment. But when you have no friends and are getting bullied and humiliated by women constantly and are told to both man up and renounce your masculinity its like the one bright light you see is this community.

By the time he was 16, Peterson finally met in person a young womanfour years older than himwith whom he had been chatting online since he was 12 years old. She did not know what he looked like for some time, and when he finally shared his picture, she told him that she didnt find him attractive. He lost his virginity to her, after which he says she ridiculed his penis size and laughed at him. Later, she sent him copies of messages that she had sent on to other men she was cheating on him with where she explicitly described the sex acts she wanted done to her. (Ive seen corroborating evidence of all of this.)

I was literally cucked, Peterson says. That word doesnt have any meaning anymore, but thats what I was. I still wanted to see her though. She was the only girl who had ever expressed interest in me, even though she tore me down and told me how ugly I was. It was still better than nothing.

According to Peterson, the relationship finally disintegrated when she began choking him and tried to go after him in her car. He ran to a nearby store to get help, and has the actual footage of the security cam showing him flailing against the glass window. The police came, and to cover for the girl, he said that he was suicidal. He spent three days in a mental institution because of it.

This was a turning point for Peterson.

He finally aligned himself fully as an incel. He was, in the words of Internet argot, black-pilled.

Anyone who has dabbled in understanding Internet lingo is likely familiar with the term red-pilled (inspired by the film The Matrix, where Neo is offered a blue pill where everything stays status quo or a red pill where the ugly truth is supposedly exposed). Adopted by mens rights activists around 2004, to get red-pilled is to subscribe to the particular ideology that feminism is a cancer and men are the real victims. But what does it mean to get black-pilled, as many refer to this communitys belief system? It sounds as bleak as it is.

Essentially, the philosophy is that everything is broken and the answer lies in refusing to engage in a meaningful or constructive way with society. (The phrase black pill first appeared in 2012 on a blog called Omega Virgin Revolt.) A critical part of being black-pilled is recognizing, with zero sentimentality or euphemism or explaining away, that women do not like genetically inferior men. They now have infinite options in the form of men who are higher status (be it, economic, physical, or intellectual) because of the breakdown in societal monogamy and now high-status men can game apps and use hypergamy (or dating up) to their advantage. (Meaning, a less attractive woman will nowadays reject a less attractive male if she is suddenly able to have meaningless sex with a high status man, who can juggle multiple women. This leaves men who are not as good-looking in the dust.)

Incels theorize that once you are black-pilled, you are finally given the gift of brutally honest Darwinian truth that, essentially, the game is rigged, so why bother? With such entrenchment in the truth of the doctrine comes freedom. No longer do you have to run around in circles. You can accept the world for what it is and settle back into your status on the lower rungs.

If you are red-pilled, you might take this theory of female behavior to use it in manipulative pick-up strategies to try to game women into thinking you are higher status or to find the weakest prey.

If you are an incel and have never had a single successful romantic attempt or only disastrous ones, this type of theorizing provides that wonderful feeling of certainty that comes with confirmation bias and the emancipation from regret of knowing that nothing could have been done anyway. Which is why many incels describe being black-pilled as an awakening from humiliation. Like finally realizing that you have been the subject of a joke that everyone else has been in on the whole time.

For a young man like Peterson, spouting such beliefs, he seems not so much a product of toxic masculinity as a failure of masculinity itself.

No one is teaching these men how to be men. This doesnt mean men in the sense of mens rights activists, but a healthy, balanced (not extremist) definition which includes someone who treats women well but also treats himself well by not being afraid to think for himself with opinions that deviate from the loudest, most hateful elements in the community.

But isnt the worst parts of the incel community hate speech? And shouldnt such hate speech be eradicated?

In Nadine Strossens timely new book Hate, she makes the case for countering bad speech with more speech, and illustrates how in countries where hate speech speech laws have been enacted, support for racist and xenophobic politicians has risen. In Europe, hate speech laws have in fact been used as a means of stifling dissent amongst the disenfranchised.

Equal justice for all depends on full freedom of speech for all, she writes.

Not only that, but as Keith Whittington argues in his new book Speak Freely, offensive speech is crucial to safeguard because of its utility in generating, testing, and communicating ideas.

One of the most brilliant defenses of the subject is Jonathan Rauchs 2013 essay, The Case for Hate Speech in The Atlantic, where he thanks the loudest and most noxious voices he faced along the way in his fight for gay marriage. [W]e won in the realm of ideas, he writes. And our antagonists–people who spouted speech we believed was deeply offensive, from Anita Bryant to Jerry Falwell to, yes, Orson Scott Card–helped us win.

For the incel community, of course, many of the ideas espoused are in defense of their identity as the losers of society, which frees them of the need to take personal responsibility.

I think thats a valid criticism, Peterson says. I get sick of the guys who seem like they just want to keep others down no matter what. Its almost like you are scorned when you experience a little bit of success.

The podcast Peterson recorded after the Toronto attack represents the incel community as not seeming as extreme as a cursory visit to the incel-tracking site We Hunted the Mammoth or the incel-mocking community Incel Tears might lead you to believe. On these sites, in the communitys most chilling screengrabs, posts include suggestions that in order to truly terrorize the women who have rejected incels over the years, perhaps mass acid attacks and rapes could be coordinated in order to inflict the same damage upon women that these young men feel has happened to them.

In contrast, Petersons podcast discussion contains an unusual degree of literacy about sociological phenomena, including the Japanese trend of hikikomori, or isolationism and utter retreat occurring with young men, which many incels predict will spread around the world in due time.

But at its core, it is still a conversation littered with misogyny and resentment.

At one point, someone says that women use men like emotional tampons. Another brings up the possibility of mandated girlfriends (or state-sanctioned rape, as shown on the new season of The Handmaids Tale). A joke is made that the best-case scenario is when incels go ER (or Elliot Rodger). There is discussion about the evolutionary benefits of sexual violence, which harkens Rodgers infamously deranged advocacy of a program where men could kill all women because if women were able to choose their own mates, their inferior brains would devolve humanity completely. Someone laughs about the idea of blackmailing women into having sex with them by threatening to post nude photos online. Peterson himself brings up the idea of access to assisted suicide for incels to prevent future attacks, and he suggests that talking to those who wonder about incel culture might help with improving our image, especially if you attach a face to the incel phenomenon, I think that that makes it more sympathetic.

Peterson clarifies to me: He was not suggesting it be him.

I meant someone else, but then it turned out, I guess I was the only person dumb enough to show my face in videos I made online, he says. So here we are.

When I ask him about the references in the podcast to Rodger, he responds, That guy was fucking nuts. I dont really joke about going ER, but I dont tell the guys who make those jokes not to do it because I know theyre being sarcastic. All this shocking stuff is often just the guys trolling. I would argue that I dont think anybody is going to be stupid enough to believe that sanctioned rape is being talked about as an actual suggestion. Sometimes the most ridiculous shit makes me laugh, even though I dont condone it. So if I do laugh at some of this stuff its probably me laughing at something because its fucking stupid.

The psychopaths are the problem, not the incels, he says.

If someone is going to carry out an attack like this theyre gonna have to be severely mentally ill to be capable of that, he says. Making jokes or being active in the incel community doesnt cause it. Being mentally ill does.

But what about when jokes arent just jokes?

I mention how last year when the Nazi website The Daily Stormers guidebook was leaked online, it contained the message: The unindoctrinated should not be able to tell if we are joking or not. So what about when such humor is actually a means of subversive propaganda?

I can see that, Peterson acknowledges. I mean, Ive had guys tell me some really fucked-up shit, and Ive told them, you know, get some help because I dont want you to hurt anyone. But I do think that making dark jokes for people who arent mentally ill helps keep a lot of us from going crazy.

And how exactly does he feel about the disparagement of women in saying that they use men as emotional tampons? Men do the same fucking thing, Peterson says. Thats not a one-sided thing. Men can use women emotionally, too.

And what of the suicide idea?

What it really comes down to is that Id rather these mass shooters and attackers just kill themselves than kill 10 or more innocent people. So maybe if it was easier to commit suicide wed see less of these attacks. Im not condoning suicide but I prefer that to innocent people dying.

On the incels.me forum, a stated list of rules for participation include guidelines that are stricter than most elite private clubs in America.

No women allowed. No exception.

Yes, this means that a forum dedicated to decrying success with women has as one of its primary rules a focus on enforced isolation. Other rules also brutally shut out any chance to provide advice or mentorship to other young men.

A few months ago, when Peterson was using the forum, he suddenly found that he was banned from having certain privileges in the chatrooms. Even the incels, it seemed, were rejecting him.

In response, he filmed and put on his YouTube one of the most astonishing, hyper-granular deconstructions of modern Internet life Ive ever seen.

It is bizarro land for anyone not deep in the world of Internet language.

To create the video, he spent three days nonstop (two days spent up for 24 hours straight in between passing out) to create a meticulous 30-minute PowerPoint video that he filmed objecting to the ban and making his case that he in fact was a genuine incel using a barrage of evidence and minutiae and dictionary definitions and failures of logic to try to break down the bullying he felt he experienced on the forum.

And, if you want to get brutal about the absurdity of the exercise (and the insanity such subcultures can create amongst its members), to prove exactly why he was just as reprehensible to society as the rest of the incels.

It was pretty ridiculous, he says in retrospect. Its like American Vandal, Netflixs mockumentary on super-deep-dive crime docs, except with the heartbreaking element of seeing how brainwashed a young man is into trying to obtain peer approval.

At one point in the video, he even includes a diagnosis that he is paranoid schizophrenic as evidence that he ought to qualify as an incel because of this mental illness. The reality is that after he was given that diagnosis, another psychologist said he was not. Instead, the doctor told him (and is evidenced in the video), he was making himself sick with his own thoughts.

All of this humiliation is laid out for his fellow community of incels to seeand all of it to get back into good standing in the incel community. Thats how bad isolated young men want status and the reassurance of having a community to call their own. Even when the group identity is in how perversely low and entrenched their status really is.

Is it any wonder that these boys need a father figure?

Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson (no relation to Jack) has been known to be moved to tears in interviews when discussing the crisis of alienation he sees amongst young men today and the need to provide them with tools that will reach them.

As he told Tim Lott of The Spectator late last year about his 90 percent male audience, Im telling them something they desperately need to hearthat there are important things that need to be fixed up. Im saying, You guys really need to get your act together and you need to bear some responsibility and grow the hell up. The lack of an identifiable and compelling path forward and the denialism these kids are being fed on a daily basis is undoubtedly destroying them and that is especially true of the young men.

Lott then observes the author of The 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos displaying a level of vulnerability on the subject that is striking.

At this point, to my astonishment, Peterson begins to weep. He talks through his tears for the next several minutes. Every time I talk about this, it breaks me up, he says. The message Ive been delivering is, Find the heaviest weight you can and pick it up. And that will make you strong. Youre not who you could be. And who you could be is worthwhile.

As psychologist William Pollack articulates in the documentary The Mask You Live In about the boy code that warps masculinity from an early age: The way that boys are brought up makes them hide all of their natural, vulnerable, empathic feelings behind a mask of masculinity When theyre most in pain, they cant reach out and ask for help because theyre not allowed to or they wont be a real boy.

In fact, boys express depression in a completely opposite way than girls. They act out. But most people see it as a conduct disorder or just a bad kid.

After the Parkland high school shooting in March, one of the foremost activists in trying to address the crisis of reaching out to troubled young men before they become killers met with President Donald Trump to say his piece. Every single one of these school shootings has been from young men who are disconnected, said Darrell Scott, the father of the first student murdered at Columbine High School almost 20 years ago. In response, he founded Rachels Challenge to intervene with action rather than yet another toothless spectacle of condemnation of the empirically condemnable violence itself.

In a tweet rant posted during this same time by Martin Daubney, the editor of the English lad magazine Loaded, he articulated a similarly jarring portrait of collective angst from young men who feel callously tossed aside and branded as innately wrong, which only serves to compound the sense of victimization even further.

Im mindful of a seminal TEDTalk by Warren Farrell, author of The Boy Crisis, Daubney wrote. He looks at school shootings, and says: Boys who hurt, hurt us…They say todays boys feel part of some grand problem. You could frame it as #ToxicMasculinity: the notion that all males are to blame for the actions of a minority of damaged individuals. This is identity politics at its most destructive. Because we live in a world where every male indiscretion is used to attack all males. Im saying this: many boys are switching off. Were losing them.

How does an incel feel about all of this concernextended within the realm of ideas and intellectualism?

Itd be nice, Jack Peterson says, if he just had someone else to talk to about it.

I like Jordan Peterson a lot, he admits in a tone that sounds more upbeat than the rest of our conversation. I was going to go see him with another incel but that guy ended up not being able to go. But I bought a VIP ticket so I get to meet him next week.

In the wake of the Toronto attack, Peterson is unique in that unlike many in the incel community who have scrubbed their social or taken down their WordPress blogs that chronicled their life, he decided to see what happened when he went on TV to talk about his life in this widely reviled community now most associated with mass murder.

The decision to do so was gutsy. Especially considering the against-the-agenda talking points he is now presenting in condemning misogyny and violence.

The reaction he has received from other incels has been negative. And the public certainly doesnt like anyone who might be an incel.

Its an unwinnable place to be for someone who might still have a chance of climbing out of the twisted, self-fulfilling prophecy gutter that such dangerous places can become for young men who dont think they have anywhere else to go.

But Peterson doesnt regret doing the media and putting his face out there.

Instead, he speaks with an inverse of the perverted sadism of the Toronto attacker. It is a nihilism of potential that is in stark contrast to the nihilism of murderous revenge.

As he describes the decision, you can almost hear an epiphany clicking: When you dont care when you have nothing else to lose, it can be used for good or evil.

I dont know why I said yes to identifying myself as an incel, he says, mulling it over. I just felt like, you know What do I have to lose?

Of course, within the incel community itself, the answer is clear.

He could very well lose his status as an incel.

They called him all the predictable names. He was a cuck. He was a status-seeker. He was an opportunist. He was a number of slurs that are not fit to print. But for an incel, the worst insult he received of all was that he was a fake.

And, this being incel-world, the name he was called was targeted and precise.

You see, for incels, each man within the community self-identifies with how they qualify for their incel status. For instance, mentalcels achieve their status as a result of mental illness. A braincel is that way because of intelligence. A truecel has never had sex, a relationship, any kind of success at all.

Thus Peterson was called a fakecel. No, Peterson says, thats wrong. He definitely still is an incel. He is a part of the group. Where then does he now belong?

Peterson is quiet as he considers the answer.

I think something where I can help people, he says. I like talking about the positive stuff more, even if its frowned upon.

He considers a while longer.

I dont know, he considers, maybe Im a hopecel.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/sympathy-for-the-incel

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anything-advice-blog · 6 years

Text

[TIME SENSITIVE / URGENT] toxic friend

i kno u guys must get like thousands of messages and im so sorry for cluttering ur inbox and pushing this to the front of the line but im just. desperate and really scared and i need to know what 2 do abt this as soon as possible!!! also as a preface i apologize in advance if some of the way i word things in this come off as offensive or incorrect, etc - i truly, genuinely do not mean any harm so please feel free to correct me if i say something that isnt okay!!! also this is REALLY scattered and mega long so bear with me im really sorry! (also im so. so scared the person in question is gonna see this o H MY GOD so i may need to message this blog again asking for this post to be taken down maybe bc im really paranoid im so sorry!! i hope thats ok but i just dont want to risk her seeing this if this all blows up in my face ohrkjdghkjghfdgj!!!) (TW: SUICIDE MENTION, SELF HARM MENTION)

ok so. almost 2 years ago in early 2016 this girl i’d never met before drew me this incredible gift art for my birthday. we started talking and we found out we have a lot of things in common - we both draw and write, we’re just a few months apart from each other in age, we have similar interests and fandoms, n we live less than an hour away from each other and are one state away from one another - so we immediately hit it off n became super close friends. she was amazingly talented n super friendly and nice n stuff so i wanted 2 be friends w her anyways!!!!! @ the time she was in an online relationship with someone several years older than her who lived across the country, and she mentioned a few times she was feeling unhappy and insecure in that relationship and that long distance was really difficult but she was too devoted to her partner to break it off. the most important thing 2 note is that my friend has several severe untreated mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd among others), regularly self harms, and is suicidal. im pretty sure im neurotypical (or at least i definitely am not suicidal / depressed, etc), so while i couldnt relate to a lot of the things she was going through, i always tried to be a listening ear to her and give her advice / support when i could because i knew she was going through a lot of rough stuff. she told me she doesnt have any friends in real life, her parents are separated and her family does not support her or even really know / care about her mental health, and she can’t access any professional help from teachers / counselors / therapists due to her severe anxiety and financial issues for some of the latter options listed. as her relationship with her partner began to crumble, i started bearing a lot of the weight of her struggles - she would vent to me and i would always have to be there for her to support her. i told myself that because she was mentally ill and didnt have any support i would take on that role so she wouldnt have to suffer. over the summer of 2016 she almost attempted suicide like…. twice??? and i talked her out of it and it was terrifying and really exhaustimg to constantly be worried about her.

then almost a year ago, in the winter of 2016, she started getting… clingy? we started talking a lot more and i didnt really get like any bad vibes from her but we were pretty much joined @ the hip and stuff and we started telling each other all of our secrets (so this is when i found out her relationship with her girlfriend was starting to crumble, which i didnt previously know) also she started constantly drawing me stuff??? like Drowning me in gift art and i felt really bad for not being able to reciprocate but she told me not to worry and that she used art as a coping method and stuff. at this time, i was going through some stuff too - obviously not as severe as depression / self harming, etc, but i had just gotten out of an almost-relationship with someone i knew from school, and i was doing my best to distance myself from romance in general since i didnt feel mature or confident enough to be in a romantic relationship yet. i told my friend that i was uncomfortable about the prospect of being in a romantic relationship and she seemed to understand.

anyways right around my birthday this year she revealed to me that she was madly in love with me (???!!?!?!?!?!!?!!?). mind you we had never even talked to each other / video called or ANything like that and we had only sent each other One (1) selfie and. it made me really uncomfortable because she said that like i was her moon and stars and her whole world and everything and she constantly dreamed of me??? and that she had been secretly like writing me love poetry and drawing me Even More Art i didnt even know about and…… it was. really overwhelming. it bothered me for so many reasons besides the fact that we had never communicated outside of like chatting / sending messages back nd forth like…. ok she was still in that long distance relationship at the time even though it was crumbling, and she KNEW!!! that i was uncomfortable about romance but she told me anyways and stuff!!!!!! and AHHH it was just really bad. so i panicked over it for a day or two because i was scared that if i Firmly Said No that she would spiral into a depressive episode and actually fatally harm this time but i wrote her this huge long letter letting her down very, very, VERY gently and apologizing for ever leading her on and stuff. and. she never actually wrote back to that letter or told me that it was okay???? which….. should have been a red flag 2 me but. we moved on as friends even though we did this conscious of the fact that she still loved me like that and i didnt feel the same way. looking back on it i regret it so much because i told her that like i would Always Be There For Her Forever and stuff and??? gfkjhgk yeah it wasnt a good time.

its been almost a year since then. in the spring i got my first smartphone and we added each other on a lot of social media stuff including snapchat and moved all our conversations there, then we decided to call each other and exchange phone numbers and see how that worked. i didnt really think much of it and was excited to hear her voice and have a conversation with her but…….. suddenly that one call turned into two and two turned into three and within a few weeks we were calling each other like All The Time (at least once a week if not more) and like making these really fucking elaborate schedules to call each other????? WHICH LIKE i dont think is a normal thing friends do idk if im wrong but!!!!! i literally call None of my other friends except for her, and a lot of that is bc i actually get really anxious and uncomfortable talking on the phone?? (also not to mention my mom doesnt really like me talking on the phone either….) but i never really told her that it made me uncomf or that it was difficult to mnge like i guess it just kinda.. Happened and became the norm. so now on top of constantly messaging each other multiple times a day now we were calling frequently too and there was suddenly a lot more pressure in our relationship because i had to stress out over making a large amount of time in my day to talk to her. i graduated high school this spring and having to balance the extreme emotional load of that major change with like… suddenly having to fall all over myself to make time to talk to this girl i didnt even really know?? was just really bad and i regret it so much because i feel like i missed out on fully experiencing it i guess. im really really passive and im TERRIFIED of confrontation and i dont like saying no to people or telling them if im uncomfortable because They Will Get Mad At Me and it was especially worse bc of my friend’s mental health and so she and i would talk for hours on end because i was afraid that if i got tired and ended the conversation without a legitimate excuse she would get mad at me and hurt herself. since we could fit way more conversation into like… long long hours of talking and talking, we ended up like. just telling each other literally Everything and she “eventually” fell out of love with me and started trying to meet people who she actually knew irl to date!! which was. kinda good bc she met this one girl and they hit it off but then it turns out she was just….. queerbaiting my friend??? which Sucked so that obviously didnt work out. and then she met another girl on this dating app and they started going out and my friend started talking to me less for a little while. it turns out though……. that my friend’s new girlfriend lives in my town??? like i dont know her but bc of that my friend and i almost met in person bc the two of them met up and went out together and stuff and they were gonna drop by and see me but that didnt work out. im getting off topic here but my point is……… she told me she wasnt in love with me anymore and she started seeing other people.

sadly she and her gf recently broke up. their relationship was also really unhealthy just like…… All Of Her Relationships and that other girl broke up with my friend because she said she needed space (she was depressed too and needed to recover and my friend was being too clingy and attention seeking and stuff so she just ended it in the middle of the night over text.) ofc ive stuck around for all of this and my friend has vented about every tiny detail of this relationship to me and its…. been So Stressful. now that shes single again she’s more depressed than ever - over the summer when she was dating that other girl she stopped self harming but she started again when their relationship started going south and now im really scared she’s gonna hurt herself, esp bc she tried to commit suicide again a few months ago which was terrifying. also another thing thats made me REALLY uncomfortable!!!!!!!! is that she Keeps Bringing Up the fact that she was in love with me whenever we talk on the phone??? like Every Single Time We Talk, Without Fail. even when she was talking abt her new gf with me sh was like. comparing her attraction to her gf to her attraction to Me and talking abt how they were similar and different and. i never had the guts to tell her it bothered me but god it just does So So Much!!!!! because we were never in a real relationship and she doesnt even really know me KDSJFHKHGAHHH im rambling so much this makes no sense at all and this is so long im so sorry ahhhh but im… Stressed!

so….. we’re running up on two years since we’ve met and one year since she told me she loved me. im in college now and she’s still in high school, and she’ll be i college next year too. again, i dont think that im depressed or mentally ill, but ive been struggling a LOT with the adjustment from hs to college and its been really really rough on me emotionally. now that my friend is single she’s been solely relying on me and trying to get me to call her multiple times a week because she needs the extra support now that she doesnt have her girlfriend anymore… but she doesnt seem to understand that i i just dont have enough time or energy to give all of myself to her and fall all over myself to make her feel better, especially when i already feel suffocated by her to begin with AND when im suppposed to be starting this new life and putting all of my focus into that. we’re mutuals on every single social media i have and i feel like im constantly being crushed by guilt whenever i do anything for myself or post stuff bc she can see what im doing constantly. and like she asked me to turn my read receipts on when we started moving from snapchat to texting and i have them turned off regularly so i did and it was really uncomfortable. i keep bending myself over backwards to mke sure im making her happy bc im all she has left.

neither of us have good relationships with our moms and so we’re always sneaking around to call each other and lately ive been calling her at school because obviously my mom isnt there and its less of a hassle to sneak around her and and talk……. but its a double edged sword bc i keep having to isolate myself and skip clubs / studying / hanging out with friends and socializing to talk to her and listen to her vent and its just so exhausting and i feel like im starting to seriously fall behind in other areas of my life im supposed to be getting better in. its hard enough adjusting to this and missing high school and stuff and trying to learn how to be an adult and be independent, and having her weight over my shoulders just is making things so much worse. but if i tell her that she’s choking me she’ll hurt herself (she’s literally said to me, Multiple Times (and recently!!!) that if it werent for me she’d be dead by now or she would kill herself and stuff and im the only thing she’s living for at this point. which. i dont know how to feel about that). i feel so trapped and i can’t say or do anything that indicates that im uncomfortable because she’ll get mad at me and make these passive agressive little side comments or do these alarmed emoticons and stuff or give me the silent treatment for a day or two (which is always scary bc like its Good when she’s not talking to me but when she doesnt im scared that something horrible happened to her!!!!!) and its just. god. ive started lying to her and coming up with fake excuses to get out of calling her because the thought of having to go isolate myself in these empty courtyards or nooks and crannies of my college campus is growing more and more uncomfortable and terrifying to me and i just cant fucking be honest about it because i suck. when i talk on the phone with her i have to be really fake and smiley and stuff and all she does is ramble about how horrible things are going for her and then i have to try and give advice when i just am so bad at talking and socializing already and im dealing w my own stuff and its… Awful. im so so weighed down by this nd i know that if she knew she’s being a…. b*rden to me right now she would be devastated and harm herself and stuff so i cant say anything and im spiraling out of control with THI s but you get the point im just really uncomfortable Always!!!! and i feel like my own emotions are completely 100000% inferior to hers because she’s gone through so much more than me and stuff???? and idk if thats True or if its just the way i feel but i just cant do anything around her bc shes like a ticking time bomb and anything i feel or try to do to protect myself from getting hurt will be selfish bc shes hurting way mre than me!!!!!!!!

anyways her birthday just happened a couple weeks ago and i bought her a tiny present and drew her somehting (i felt super guilty about not doing More for it though because shes done so much for me and also literally nobody except me remembered her birthday, not even really her own family). i havent mailed it to her yet (i told her i would send it this weekend, which is why this is marked as urgent) but we just exchanged addresses for the first time so now she not only knows my name, my age, what i look like, my Entire Backstory Ft. My Deepest Darkest Secrets, and how to reach me whenever she wants wherever she wants, but now she knows Exactly where i live and where i go to school too lol yay!!! anyways im getting really really anxious because i just had my midterms for college and didnt talk to her for an entire week last week but this happened right after her gf broke up with her and i think shes mad at me for taking a week off of talking to her. we were gonna call again today but i weaseled my way out of it bc it was so overwhelming and now i have to mail her this gift this weekend and my mom and other fmily members are all yelling at me about it and demanding that i just like…. Not Send It To Her because i dont owe her anything and tht i should just cut her off but if i do she’ll hurt herself nd she follows me everywhere and knows all of my secrets and stuff and idk im just scared that if i end our friendship she’ll try to ruin my life!!!! Like i dont think she would be petty like that or turn people against me or anything but she’s so obsessed with giving all of herself to other people nd she’s literally said she cant function without being 100000% devoted to somebody and like even after she’s broken up with all these other girls she still…. is obsessed with them and angsts over them and stuff and she does that with me even though i never even dated her or anything aND ITS JUST bad

like. idk i just really needed to get all of that out and im sorry it was so so so long and i dont even know what to do but i guess i marked this urgent because like. do i send her the present???? should i try to just like quietly distance myself from her real subtly so she wont notice or should i just straight up tell her that i cant breathe around her anymore and i just. really need space??? or like to not be friends anymore even though we know everything about each other??? am i being manipulated or is it jsut All In My Head that our relationship is toxic??? like idk if i shoud even cut her off completely or aNYTHING or if we could like even go on being just acquaintances from now on and saying hi to each other from time to time. and i feel so mean and bad for writin all of thisstuff about her when i know shses so vulnerable and i havent concretely communicated Any discomfort around her so if she saw this she would immediately know it was about her and do something Terrible to herself nd she constantly spams me with memes about depression and wanting to die and like…. blows up my phone with like 50 text messages at once and its just so so so much to worry about and i!!! just!!!!!! cant function like this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHH!!

anyways that was a huge disorganized mess and im kinda shaking and i dont even think i got all of it down or communicated how trapped and helpless i feel. ive never been in any situation like this before and i hate that she’s…. yeah. she’s really like manipulated me and stuff and i dont know how to get out of it. every time i think about it i feel like bursting into tears because im just so stuck and i dont even know if the way im feeling is even valid or if its all just lke. in my head or something and this is how friends really are Supposed to be because ive never really had a great social life either and my best friends are honestly my brother and sister and they mean everything to me and so i have friends outside of my family but like idk i never like. really was that close with any of them nad stuff nad idk this isnt about me BUT i just uhhh. am kinda crying a little bit and im sorry fo rbeig a big baby about all of this its all my fault for being a Human Doormat and letting people walk all over me nd tellin myself that i can bear that weight when i really have never taken good care of myself before Ever In My Life and stuff. but anyways im gonna stop rambling now and just… to whoever reads this or responds to this or whatever just thank you for hearing me out even if you think im wrong / crazy / Terrible for feeling this way because it just has been so much and i dont know what to do.

Hey there!

There's a lot going on here, but the bottom line seems to be this; you're in a friendship that you don't want to be in, and that you feel is unhealthy for you.

You are not her therapist. You can't fix her, you can't treat her, you can support her, but that's it. You aren't responsible for her. You're forcing yourself to put all this time and energy into something that you're super uncomfortable with, and don't want to be doing, and it's draining you and destroying your own mental health. You have to put yourself first. It's okay to want to help people, but you HAVE to put yourself first, or else you'll burn out and you won't be able to help anybody.

At the very least, you need to talk to her about how you're feeling, and tell her you need to tone down your relationship. What's happening absolutely isn't fair to you. All you can do to help her is your best, and right now, you're not doing your best because you're not taking care of yourself.

I know you're concerned about her hurting herself or killing herself, but you have to understand that you are not responsible for her. If she does something to herself, it's not as a result of your actions. She's traumatized and mentally ill, and those factors are what causes her to hurt herself. Not you. You are not and can not be responsible for her. Period. If she tells you she's going to kill herself or severely hurt herself, you have her address. Call 911 and ask them to dispatch help to her house. She might hate you for it, but an angry person is far, far better than a dead person. That action very well might save her life, and get her the help that she needs, so don't be afraid to do it.

As for the present, it's totally up to you. You did promise it to her, and fulfilling that promise might help you let her down a little bit more gently. At the same time, giving her a permanent reminder of you could hurt her. Maybe you should ask her? Tell her about how you're feeling and that you can't keep going with this intense of a relationship, and have a conversation about that. During that conversation, you could ask if she still wants the present. She might get angry, or it could help soothe her, or maybe she'll have a totally different reaction. It's hard to know.

This conversation is going to be super, super hard. It's going to be hell, quite frankly. She's a super sensitive person, and she's probably not going to take it well. So remember what I said before, about her not being your responsibility, and do a LOT of self care working up to the conversation and after the conversation. I'd recommend making a self care kit, and putting things in it that help calm you down. My personal self care kit contains nice smelling lotion, soft fabric, stuff to play with, gum, tea bags, and notes from friends reminding me that they love me. You could also be texting a friend during the conversation, so that they can reassure you and help talk you through it.

You may not be going through the same things she is, but your feelings and your struggles are valid. You don't need to destroy yourself to help someone that's "worse" than you are. You need to take care of yourself, and keep yourself as healthy as possible. You aren't any less valuable simply because you're not traumatized or self harming. Your mental health is important, and you need to do what's right for you.

I hope this helps!

♥ - Fawn