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diezmil10000 · 4 months

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2023 art summary + thoughts on my own art progress under the cut!!

(template by HedgeCatDragonix on deviantart)

so i've been doing this for 10 years :P

i'm not posting these pics in high quality, they're somewhere on the internet if you want to scavange for a bit. i didn't start taking art seriously until late 2015 and i honestly don't like looking back at old drawings. i still like my 2022 art summary but it wasn't until this year that i'm proud of all my finished artworks.

my art journey is complicated. i'm not one of those artists who can say they've been drawing for all their lifes. i used to trace pokémon in my school agendas but that was it. around 2013, a couple of friends invited me to their Skype server where we used to draw each other's ocs and make art memes and stuff - it was fun and cringe in the most positive way i can say it :] i didn't know shit about art and i took pride in drawing on MS Paint with a mouse just because it was hard.

(all of my drawings until may 2018 were made with a mouse)

when i was 15 yo i got into Love Live! and i decided to get better at art because i didn't want lesbian fanart to be made only by creepy cishet men. at some point i watched this video from Sycra and it rewired my brain. i understood that i needed to actually practise and understand what i was doing, and that i wasn't going to improve just by observing. its follow-up video also helped me a lot, i remember watching it on the day it was posted jskhfdjdfd.

and so fast forward until 2021 approx. i spent all of those years practising drawing in my traditional sketchbooks, so my improvement was steady. the only problem, and in retrospective i see it as a Big Problem, is that i was grinding mindlessly. by that i mean that i copied artists i liked and i drew again and again stuff i was bad at, but i didn't think too deeply about it or analysed my own art to look for faster ways to improve it. i also don't take feedback well so i didn't ask for it either, which further slowed down my progress.

on top of it, that just made me better at drawing, not at illustration. i firmly believe that a good drawing is hard to ruin but i could have made my illustrations way more interesting if i had started going wild with colors and effects way earlier. i don't exactly regret my choices because at the end of the day it's just my hobby, and i've been praised for drawing a lot and for challenging myself to practise drawing traditionally, so i want this to be read as introspection rather than complaints!!

the reason why 2021 was a big change in my art is because in november i did this monstrosity:

i got an Android tablet to be able to draw in class and took the challenge alongside my friend Nico, who also did their own Huevember. hola si estás leyendo esto Nico, aunque lo dudo :) i can't say that any of the drawings made me better at anatomy, or composition, or colors. i can't say that they solidified my knowledge, either. but they planted a seed in my brain that would fully bloom in late 2022, which is the seed of hating the finished result of some pieces so much that i forced myself to improve.

everyone has their own motivation to get better at art and i've always thought that mine was a healthy one (i want to draw more lesbians, that's all). however, i've had a very solid 2023 and now i don't cringe at any of my pieces, plus i can notice any mistakes they have without wanting to delete them from existence - and i could only get there because at the end of 2022 i told myself i wouldn't make any more ugly illustrations. like, period. i didn't want to get anxious every time i had to look back on my own art.

i also learned that no ammount of compliments from others would magically make me like a piece i see as mid at best. of course, i appreciate every single nice comment i get (genuinely, i get very happy knowing that other people love my work), but gratitude doesn't fix a skill issue.

so, late 2022, many things happened. first i got cancelled on twitter over a drawing of my beloved mizuki from project sekai (this info will be relevant later). then i spent a whole month doing this other monstrosity that is to this day the best thing i've ever done. i haven't peaked it (yet):

this comic actually made me improve and solidify my skills. it wasn't a class assignment, or a collaboration, or anything more than a headcanon i shared with a friend - it was pure brainrot over Revue Starlight and it made me put all my cunt into it. this was also the point at which i started filling in blacks with the bucket tool instead of picking a very dark color, which is a big part of my current style :3

the thing about people cancelling me is that i had to distance myself from fandoms and eventually change accunts, which also affected how i perceived my own art. even if i draw for myself, at the end of the day i still draw characters that are loved by many people, so i disabled comments and stopped interacting with other artists of my fandom circles. that led me to go on hiatus at the start of 2023, knowing that it was time for a fresh start (my art accounts were 5 years old anyway).

that period of time made me think a lot about my finished pieces. since i wouldn't post them until i had a new account, i would stare at them for longer than ever or make small changes even if days had already passed. letting my mind rest from illustrations i had been working on and knowing i could change them whenever i wanted was a big step forward.

i realised that for the past years i had been in a hurry to post my drawings as soon as i was done with them instead of appreciating them. that was a turning point for my mindset. this was also past the time i decided to stop making ugly art, but i hadn't really taken any measures to get better. so i changed the wording of the challenge: i can make ugly art but i can't post it if i don't like it.

it doesn't sound epic, but for some reason it worked. every time i was in the middle of making a drawing that looked kind of ugly, i changed it until it looked right. not perfect, but good enough to avoid cringing in the future. some times i had to redraw it from scratch with a more interesting pose. some times i needed to add a background or a graphic element to make the characters pop. and somewhere on that period, i went wild with colors and effects, and a lot of times that saved a piece that would otherwise be boring.

i have to thank Revolutionary Girl Utena and Revue Starlight for making me experiment a lot during my hiatus. both pieces of media, one being the daugher of the other, give artists so many visual metaphors and interesting topics to work with. the revstar brainrot had been there since the junnana comic, but rgu was something i had been meaning to rewatch for a couple of years and it hit me like a fucking train. it also made me create one of the comics i'm the most proud about:

then i got into homestuck and my art got. well. stuck!! >D< but it was okay because i wasn't making ugly drawings anymore. i was putting into practise a lot of things i had been learning or experimenting with, especially regarding colors and character interactions. and the yuri was delicious hmmmmmmm.

the rest of 2023 was very linear in terms of art but not so much in terms of fandoms (?). which is fine, honestly, but i was also glad to get back into Fire Emblem: Three Houses in late that year because when i first got into it in 2019 i didn't have the skill to draw everything i wanted to draw. and i still haven't drawn all the yuri scenarios that i've been cooking in my mind, but i have until forever to do it!!

so for 2024 i want to study some stuff i feel i'm still lacking in. i think i've always had a good eye for composition, but i've never actually pushed it in my finished illustrations - they depend a lot on the poses because i've always been prioritising drawing over everything else. that needs to change this year.

i also want to get better at drawing characters from extreme angles. i've always felt like my poses are a bit flat and i think i can study photos taken with wide angle lenses to improve at that.

and of course i still want to draw faster, which is something i've always struggled with. i think i have a good rhythm of "producing" art (excuse me for the poor wording), but i'm still too slow for the kind of artstyle i want to achieve, which includes having a looser lineart and less details in irrelevant areas of the drawings. i think that overdoing the lineart actually hurts my illustrations, because everything ends up pulling the viewer's attention with the same energy. i also think messy artstyles are neat.

i promise i'm not crazy and i don't hate what i do. in fact, it's precisely because this year i managed to make some pieces with that kind of feel that i know where i want to aim. special mention to the junnana comic because i haven't been able to replicate that lineart ever since.

examples:

as for the stuff i like about my current artstyle, i definitely want to keep the way i color!! and by that i mean the method i have for applying filters that make my colors pop. i could maybe play more with textures too.

i also like the way i depict intimacy, and people have praised it too. thank you for noticing. it's the yearning that's doing it, not me. but i don't think i'll ever change the content (?) of my art, i eat breathe and speak in yuri. if anything, there are still some ways of conveying feelings that i haven't been able to draw because i lack the skill to do so, but i'll keep trying ;)

i honestly didn't expect this post to be this long. i've been writing for hours now and i'm not sure my thoughts are coherent for anyone that isn't me. i also can't grasp the idea that some people know me from fanart i did in 2016 while others started following me last month, time is wild and it's an extra dimension of complexity that i don't know how to account for when i write stuff like this.

but again, as i do with art, i've written this for myself. it's been nice to put my thoughts in order. i think i've only talked about art in depth with like 5 people and it's always been in casual conversation. no creo que estéis leyendo pero Nahia y Henar os amo y he aprendido mucho de vosotras.

thank you for reading until the end if you have. i hope you have not only a nice day but a nice year. let's meet again in the future.

#diez's art thoughts

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starrrling · 18 days

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REECE STARLING ( RACHEL SENNOTT ) is a TWENTY-SIX year-old GUITAR TEACHER in STATEN ISLAND. They were brought under Richard’s care when they were only ELEVEN years old. They are known as THE MISCHIEVOUS because they are MIRTHFUL but also IRREVERENT.

tw: substance abuse/addiction, parental neglect/custody loss, death, domestic abuse

BASIC INFORMATION

Full Name: Theresa Rebecca Starling

Nickname(s): Reece

Date of Birth: December 7, 1978

Age: twenty-five

Occupation: guitar teacher & restaurant hostess

Current Residence: Staten Island

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

Hair: brown, curly

Eyes: gray

Height: 5’2

Notable Features: Reece is rocking up to Richard’s funeral with a strip band-aid over her nose and a bruised eye :/

PERSONALITY & BEHAVIOR:

Strengths: amiable, outgoing, witty

Weaknesses: flippant, addictive, impulsive

Quirks: talks with her hands like a true italian, constantly fidgets with her jewelry

Vices: aside from her smoking habit—weed and cigarettes—Reece needs Monster Energy in an IV to make it through the day

INTEREST & HOBBIES:

Interests: astrology, music production, tabloid gossip, the 2005 music industry as a whole, the brad x angelina x jennifer love triangle, survivor, grey’s anatomy, gwen stefani

Hobbies: stand-up at the local open mics, songwriting, music mixing, bird-watching, parkour

Special Skills/Talents: music theory & a handful of instruments (mostly guitar)

BECOMING A WARD

Reece’s grandmother, Estie, was an old friend of Richard’s wife, Adelia, who she met in school; once they were all married—Adelia to Richard, of course, and Estie to her own husband, Charlie—I imagine they were “couple friends,” with double dates and so on. Estie got pregnant with Reece’s mom, Tess, a little less than a year before Adelia got pregnant with Winifred; the women probably talked about how they’d raise their daughters together. When Adelia passed in childbirth, though, Estie was heartbroken; Estie and her husband remained in contact with Richard, trying to be there for him and Winnifred if they needed anything. Winnifred and Tess spent their early years as friends. Shortly before Winnifred disappeared, Estie’s husband died of a heart attack; Estie and Richard came to lean on each other in this time—a widower trying to raise her daughter alone, and a man who had lost everything. They found comfort in each other. It wasn’t some torrid affair—they were just the only two people left living who could understand one another. They both felt guilty, as though they’d betrayed Adelia and Charlie, and the two grew apart. Tess, who never fully recovered from the sudden loss of her father and close friend in childhood, dropped out of high school later on, and developed a drinking problem which progressed to a drug addiction as she got older. At 24, Tess got pregnant with Reece; when Reece’s father, a fling at best, didn’t want anything to do with it, Tess moved to Chicago for a fresh start. Tess tried to raise Reece and get her life under control, but without proper help, Tess was never able to stay sober for long. When Reece was five, CPS got involved after Tess overdosed, and Reece was taken into the foster care system for a few months. Tess was able to get sober and get Reece back; the two moved back to Staten Island, where Estie was, and when Tess fell off the wagon again a year later, Reece moved in with Estie, who raised her for the next five years. This took place in the late eighties, when I imagine Estie and Richard would have caught up after all of that time had passed—perhaps Richard would have even met Reece once or twice at some gathering or another that he invited Estie to attend, although Reece and Richard didn’t know each other especially well until Estie, aged 63, died in a car accident in 1990, when Reece was only eleven. Aware that Reece had been in the sole care of his old friend, Richard stepped in to prevent Reece from having to enter the foster care system again.

LIFE AS A WARD

Reece arrived at the Woodrow House as a grieving eleven-year-old who had no idea how to deal with her pain aside from joking about it. The times she spent in her mom's care as a kid were often turbulent, and she'd kind of adapted to the unpredictability of her mom's moods by learning to be an entertainer—nobody can yell at you if they're too busy laughing, right? So, reece developed a real knack for levity and lifting spirits that she carried with her when her grandmother got custody while reece was 5, and again when her grandmother passed and she moved into Richard's care at age 11. Reece has never been good at dealing with the deep stuff, so it's always been hard to get her to be serious about anything. Growing up, I guess you could say she was kind of a troublemaker, but it all came from a kind of impulsive hedonism on Reece's part. it was less true rebellion for the sake of rebelling, and more a desire to do whatever would be the funnest/funniest, no matter the consequences. She has some trouble knowing when a joke has gone too far sometimes, because in her mind, the Joke—whatever that joke may be in the moment—is praxis. Reece more or less invented committing to the bit! She probably spent plenty of time trying to get the other wards to go along with her dumb bits or reckless schemes, too, and she's never been able to stand anyone who takes themselves too seriously. So, that's Reece: an eternal class clown, because laughter takes some of the sting out of the truth. Even the wards that are closest to Reece probably haven't had a lot of truly deep, serious conversations with Reece—at least ones that she participated in voluntarily. Reece spent a long time in and out of alcoholism treatment programs because she couldn't really take her own addiction seriously and see it for what it was; she started drinking young, probably around 13, and she immediately understood what her mother saw in it as an all-day activity. It didn't take long for Richard to recognize Reece's drinking as problematic—after all, thirteen is young to even be experimenting with alcohol, especially given Reece's family history—but it took years of short-lasting sober stints and casual backslides for Reece to understand that she wasn't just being young and dumb, and everyone was right to be worried: it's an illness, and it's not something that went away when she turned twenty-one, which is what she'd been hoping. an instance of alcohol poisoning on her 21st birthday, though, led to Reece getting placed in a more serious addiction rehabilitation program, and she had to drop out of school, but she did get sober at 21, at least for the time being.

AESTHETIC

vintage rings, snarled curls, smudged makeup, menthol marlboros, crushed energy drink cans in the bottom of a beat up purple vw bug, scrawled-on sheet music

Reece's wardrobe pretty much gives y2k laundry day. even though her outfits are usually pretty low-effort, she sort of always comes off as though she's wearing a costume. She oscilates drastically between slutty hi-femme clothes and absolute androgyny, and sometimes she blends the two at once. She wears rings, and her hair is almost always tied back.

EDUCATION

Reece absolutely wanted to be a private school girl, but not for any academic reason. She probably just thought it would be like the movies. Reece wasn’t especially focused when it came to her education, but she did well enough to get accepted to college, which she saw, on-and-off, as a place to party, mostly. She ended up dropping out in her junior year because her alcoholism had gotten out of control, and she needed to go to rehab; she never ended up getting her music degree.

EXTRACURRICULARS

Always inclined towards music, Reece cycled through a number of instruments growing up—piano was her first and longest instrument, encouraged by Richard, but Reece’s favorite was guitar (something she picked up at around 14), which she still plays today. She took singing lessons for a while when she first started taking piano, and she also learned some percussion. She probably learned a little saxophone and clarinet, too, so that she’d have experience with band instruments. When it was clear that music was a real passion of Reece’s, Richard set her up with someone who could teach her music theory, and her tutor helped her learn to write music of her own, which became Reece’s major focus during her high school years. For the first couple of years she was at the estate, I also think she probably took some acting lessons and did some local theater acting, since it was probably pretty obvious that Reece really liked being the center of attention and needed some outlet for that.

THEIR LIFE NOW

As stated before, Reece enrolled at NYU to get a degree in music—I'm thinking something related to digital music production, although Reece doesn't have the equipment to do much of that anymore—and she was sober on-and-off over the first few years, not really taking seriously the fact that she needed to stop drinking, but keeping it under wraps enough that things didn't come to a head until her 21st birthday. After being hospitalized with alcohol poisoning, Reece dropped out, got sober, got settled, and moved back to her hometown of Staten Island, where she job hopped for a while before becoming a guitar teacher. Nine months ago, Reece relapsed; she'd had a conversation with her mom, something she hadn't done since her mother lost custody, and it reopened a lot of old wounds Reece didn't know how to deal with; she felt really alone in Staten Island, and she didn't want to reach out to anybody, so she started drinking again, something she kept a secret for as long as she could. Of course, Richard eventually caught on, and he helped Reece to get sober again; the other wards will probably be vaugely aware that Reece is set to collect her 7-month chip in a couple of weeks. Another thing Reece kept a secret, albeit successfully, this time: she started dating a guy she met at an open mic night she preformed at (aspiring comic in new york lets goooo) five months ago, even though recently recovered addicts are generally supposed to hold off on dating anyone until they've been sober for at least a year, for the sake of stability in sobriety. The relationship was turbulent to start—he negged her comedy routine–but it was combative in a way that Reece found kind of... comfortable, maybe? It was passionate, kind of hot and heavy, and Reece moved in with him right away; however, the relationship very recently came to a head—what had always been a fiery relationship eventually progressed into Jack manipulating & mistreating Reece, including a few instances of physical abuse. So, Reece will be rocking up to the Woodrow House for the funeral with a black eye and a bandaged nose, less than a week off of a break-up, and in need of somewhere to live (she'd been planning on couch-surfing during the process of trying to get her old apartment back </3).

#intro #wrhq.intro

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anotherpapercut · 9 months

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College Resources

hey y'all so I have a degree in math, and have been tutoring college level math, stats, physics, and study skills for a few years now and I have several certifications as a college level tutor and in my years tutoring I've picked up a lot of absolutely essential things you NEED to know to pass math classes (and others!) if you have a hard time in math class, which unfortunately most schools will not teach you

so if you're in college (or high school, but some of these will be college specific) and you would like to hear my Professional Tips for how to survive math in college I have compiled a list of things I think you should know below the read more! I'm going to put a couple general tips at the top though for people who aren't taking a math class

alright, welcome to the read more! let's start with some general things

ok I'm starting with a kind of tip before the tips: if you are disabled, talk to disability support services at your school. a lot of times they provide services to attain a diagnosis if you don't have one, but if you do it's typically pretty easy to get accommodations and if your teachers try not to follow them, they will get in A LOT of trouble (I'm in the us so idk how disability laws are in other countries but here this is a big deal for universities bc public funding etc and if you make a complaint they will be FORCED to comply). I'm not saying bad experiences never happen, I've not been to every school in the us and I'm sure there are places that suck abt this, but I literally would not have been able to get a degree in math without accommodations (I'm autistic and have dyscalculia + memory issues) so it was worth every annoyed sigh by a dumbass teacher (which honestly rarely happened. most of them were cool). some possible accommodations include, extra time on tests, separate testing locations, formula cards, ability to use notes etc etc

I work in a free tutoring center at my local community college. while I won't say these are definitely universal, every college I have encountered (in the US, where I live) has one of these. Google the name of your school with tutoring. there is a very high chance you have free tutors available in a variety of subjects who are ready to help you. you should utilize the fuck out of this bc ur already probably paying for it in ur tuition

my favorite resource ever is one you may have heard of but I'm reminding you of it anyway. the Crash Course YouTube channel! it has free comprehensive videos about various subjects (including anatomy, physics, biology, economics, statistics and lots lots more). the videos are about 10 minutes each and they're incredibly easy to understand. they're an amazing way to study for finals. trust me on this one. they actually now have real introductory college courses that you can take for credit (tho I think you have to pay for that?) through YouTube so check into that!

take notes!!!!!!!! for real. seriously. even if you've never had to before. trust me. and don't just copy exactly what the board says, write what your teacher says out loud as well, that is often the most important stuff. I highly recommend investing in a few colored pens and/or highlighters. anytime the teacher says something important (such as formulas in a math class or a grammar rule in an English class) either write it in another color, or highlight it. color coding your notes even the tiniest bit will help you tremendously when you're studying and doing homework later. this doesn't mean having a color code so elaborate and strict that you're spending more time and energy figuring out the right color than listening and writing. I usually do the bulk of my notes in black then things like formulas or whatever in one bright color and extra bits of info from the teacher in another, this way it's easier to find the important stuff later on

if you've got a couple extra bucks, invest in a mini stapler. you'll be shocked how often those lil bitches come in handy

DO NOT EVER purchase your text books before the classes start (unless you get like an email before class starts telling you you need the book, but this is pretty rare tbh). half of your teachers are going to tell you on day 1 that they don't use the book at all. and honestly almost all of your books can be found by googling the name + pdf. just triple check that you have the correct edition!

speaking of emails, CHECK YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL EMAIL. I am so dead serious about this one. set up notifications on your phone. if you do not check your email you are going to show up for cancelled classes, miss assignment corrections, and generally not do nearly as well in your classes. I know this sounds fake but holy fucking shit please for the love of all that is good and holy check your fucking email. seriously.

the best way to study for your finals is to look at past tests and homework! if your teacher isn't a total dick they'll give you back your tests and homework. when studying for your final, go through and redo any that you got wrong, and look over the ones you got right. teachers usually take final questions from old tests and homework so if you do this it's very possible you'll study your exact finals questions. if they won't give you these back, reread your notes (in a way I'll describe in a moment)

reread your notes the same day you take them or very soon after so the lecture is still fresh in your mind! when you do this, grab a colored pen and take notes on your notes. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's actually a very important study tool. if you come across something you wrote that is confusing, write out an explanation. write down extra things that will help you understand the material. if there's something that you don't understand or don't remember PLEASE ask your teacher. some of them won't answer email so catch them in office hours or after class if you can. at the end of the semester when you're studying for finals, do this all over again but through your whole notebook for the semester (not all at once. pls take breaks lmfao)

if your teacher doesn't offer it up at the end of the semester, ask "can you please tell us some of the topics we should emphasize when studying for our finals?" (you can also say this in a far less pretentious way but I've found that professors are more likely to give you a real answer if you talk like this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I'm ngl, some of em will be assholes about this. they may laugh at the idea and snarkily say "look at your homework" or some shit equivalent. roll your eyes at these old bitches and move on. but many if not most will at least give y'all some idea of what to expect. and crucially: write down what they say and use it as a study guide

okey dokey!! that concludes the general section. now I'm gonna talk about some math specific stuff that will help you a lot if you struggle with math!

starting with an easy one: get a good calculator. please for the love of GOD do not get the TI-30X IIS unless you love it and are EXTREMELY familiar with all of the different operations. I'm sorry but this calculator sucks ass and it will hold you back. for about the same price you can get my personal favorite the Casio FX-115ES Plus (1st edition only, I haven't tried the 2nd edition bc I don't like change) or an FX-991 EX. if you're a Texas instruments guy get a TI 30XS or if ur doing calc and shit I'd get a 36X pro. I just prefer Casio personally lmao. in all likelihood your math teacher will be a calculator nerd who can teach you how to use any of these but there are also lots of videos made by calculator nerds on YouTube as well

so next I just want to emphasize how important your notes are. you cannot pass a math class without good notes unless it's a class you've already taken or something, and honestly even then I'd recommend you write some stuff down because the thing about math is there are a lot of different ways to do the same thing. which brings me to my next point

pay attention to the process your teacher uses to solve problems (I'll give an example in a sec) and especially to how they write the process down. if you're like me and you have trouble with the whole "show your work" thing this will help a lot, because you can use what your teacher writes down as a guideline for what you should write down. for instance, you may have learned about a math concept like permutations and combinations in high school one way, and then be taught a completely different way of performing the calculation in college. if this happens, ask your teacher about your way. sometimes their way is better for a specific reason and it's really important that you learn it. sometimes they'll say it doesn't matter just do what makes the most sense to you. sometimes you will also not get full credit if you do things a different way too so be careful and pay attention to what your teacher says abt it. you may have also been taught to show some steps in an operation but not others and your new teacher may want all of them. or none. or different ones. unfortunately math has a lot of variations

similarly, if there's a concept you don't understand, start by asking your teacher about it first bc they may want you doing a specific thing. if they're not helpful and you don't have access to a tutor turn to the internet. here are my recommendations for resources: Khan Academy has videos and examples explaining concepts in pretty much all types of math. usually really helpful because they'll show you several different methods and use different explanations, MathWay for classes that come before trig/calc. you can use it for those but it's a little more annoying lol specifically in regards to graphing and solving integrals and shit. this tool has A LOT of stuff in it but is best as a calculator to check your work on stuff and for showing you graphs that have transformations and shit like that from college algebra. it's got settings for different math types and even chemistry tho!, for more complicated graphing I'd use Desmos. you can use this in all classes but it's just a bit more complicated imo and it's more made for complex operations so I prefer to use MathWay as much as possible bc it's just more user friendly., there's also Symbolab which a lot of my fellow tutors really like but I personally tend to use the others more, Wolfram Alpha is a pretty well known one. tbh I find it kind of hard to use sometimes so i usually use it as a last resort lmfao but it is really good!, this last one is calculus specific (including things like calc based physics ofc) but derivative calculator and integral calculator are everything to me. could not have gotten through calc 2 and 3 w/o these mfs

OK THIS PART IS REALLY IMPORTANT!! we're going to talk about how you can make your math tests WAY easier on you and massively improve your chances of passing. here's what you're going to do for every test

1. when studying for your test, go through and find ALL formulas that you used in the unit(s) your test is over (this includes formulas you learned previously but used in this unit as well!!)

2. commit them to memory. easiest way to do this (besides practicing using them!!) is to rewrite them a few times including what you use them for and what all of the symbols and letters stand for

3. when you go in to take your test, spend like 5-10 minutes beforehand, right up until they make you put everything away, studying and rewriting these

4. the SECOND the test hits your desk, flip it over and write down every single formula immediately (including as much extra info like when to use and variable definitions as possible). now you won't have to try to remember them 30 minutes in when your brain is frying!!

5. go through the test and read each question carefully. if you can't remember how to solve it within 30 seconds skip it. you might only do 4 or 5 questions (maybe less depending on the length of your test) after the first pass, but just go back to the beginning and do it again, giving urself a little more time w each pass. this will ensure that you're not spending 45 minutes on problem 4 and having no time to get to the rest of the test. additionally with math it is extremely common to basically find the answer to how to do one problem while you're doing another problem. doing the ones you know first will also boost your confidence and help prevent anxiety from wiping ur brain. this is a really really important part of math tests

6. before you hand your test in, make sure you've written SOMETHING down on EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. even if you have absolutely 0 idea whatsoever what to do, there is always a chance for partial credit. a lot of times, you also know more than you think you do. so even if you can only do half a step of the whole process, half a point is better than 0!! if you really have no clue what to do, make something up. I know this probably sounds ridiculous but I'm so deadass. once I was taking a physics test and could not for the life of me remember what formula to use so I just made one up based on my vague idea of how it worked lmao. I wrote off to the side "I know this isn't how physics works, but I can't remember that so just pretend I'm god for a second" and I got like 75% of the points bc the teacher appreciated the effort!! there were fucking countless times when I was taking a test and I got to a point where I knew the steps of what I was supposed to do but could not figure out HOW to actually DO the math. so I wrote in words my understanding of what the next steps were. even though I didn't finish answering the question, I always got points for trying. this is what teachers are wanting from you. effort. so PLEASE write literally anything even if you're just making that shit up (just explain your reasoning in words to the side, as long as you're using logic you're really getting the essence of math anyway). you would not BELIEVE how fast your grades will improve by doing this. I tutored a girl who went from Ds to Bs within literally 2 weeks of starting tutoring just because she stopped leaving any questions blank and started getting partial credit

that's all the important stuff I can think of for now though I'm sure there's much more so I may update this in the future!

of course everyone is going to have a different experience and relationship with math. so adjust all of these tips to fit how you learn best. please try to remember that learning math is a very important part of developing your critical reasoning and logistical analysis skills. these are essential to understanding and interacting with the world and math is just a way of exercising those muscles. trust me when I say I know how infuriating math can be. I have dyscalculia and a math degree. I've spent so many hours crying over math you probably wouldn't even believe me. but it's worth it! and frankly, if you're in college, you're paying a lot of money for this class. you deserve to get everything you possibly can out of it

above all, if you're having trouble ASK FOR HELP. ask your teacher, ask your classmates, ask the head of the department, ask student services, ask Google!! and if you need help you can always ask me! :) I love helping people with this stuff and even if I don't know the answer to your question I'm pretty good at knowing where to look for them!

#this is so long and im praying the readmore works #this has been in my drafts for like a year sjdbakhdwihddnemsodm #college resources #math resources #forgot that tumblr builds in its own readmore now #good enough right?

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cafemagie-magie · 2 years

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Howdy! First I just wanna say you're a really great artist, one of the best I've ever seen, and I love every single one of your LWA fanarts! And if you don't mind, I just wanted to ask how you learned to draw? I've always wanted to learn, but I'm not sure how to learn the fundamentals and progressively get better until I'm as great as someone like you. If you know any books, videos online, exercises/habits, or any resource to look up and learn how to draw and slowly get better, that'd be great!

Hi! Thank you very much, I’m touched by your kind words ^^

I give you Diakko but theyre motivation coaches to wish you the best ! Have fun with drawing, it's one of the best thing on Earth!

It took some time to answer because I wanted to write a document with a lot of resources, so you and other fellows can use it :

To answer the first part of the question, I always loved doodling with a pencil and replicating manga panels like Dragon Ball, Naruto... also I love scientific illustration and fashion design! Never took art classes, but went to an art club in high school^^

I have a pencil and watercolour self taught art background, drew since 9 but with a lot of art breaks (the most recent one lasted 4 years because of pharmacy studies), digital art came very late when I hit 23 (January of this year, got an iPad!🥳🎂) and I learned it with the resources stated in this shared document :D

Now for the second part, let's say every artist have their own art planet, like the Little Prince 😊

You have your art home, and realism is the house foundation to you build up other skills on it. The first skill associatied with foundation is observation : when you look at something...how does it work? Why is this moving like that? What are the simplified shapes of it?

Near you home, you can plant your favourite artists seeds from other art planets in your own art garden to be inspired by them. They'll bloom into different flowers, scents and colors... they'll inspire your work as you progress :D it's like pretty things to admire and look up to! To keep you on the go and learn from them! (It works with the library metaphor too, like having a collection of your fav artists, subjects, reference...)

Then you build up solid walls for your house, by learning/practicing technical things like figure drawing, life drawing, drapery... with these, you can already have a lot of fun!

Adding windows will bring you some fresh air as you'll explore colour theory, light and shadow... at this stage, traditionally or digitally, you'll be able to create really cool sketches/llustrations! You can always use references and observe them to understand the light source, a particular scenery, or some tricky anatomy position, etc...so you can incorporate it in your drawing.

Then you can make your house bigger by adding new rooms: learning how to draw specific things like detailed backrounds, animals, weapons, machinery, everything you'll be interested in...if you started with humans only for example.

Later on, you can decor your house with things like art style, aesthetics, that little somtheing that makes people recognize your works...these come naturally as you progress so dont worry too much about it!

Building a comfy house takes time but it's your home and even if there will be struggles/frustration... enjoying the process is key to a happy artist journey ^^

Hope this helped, and you can always dm for more specific things, if needed (or ask anonymously again, I’m shy so I’ll understand lol)

#ask solace #art advice #art resources #artist help

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haleyhalcyon · 1 year

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How to write a You Don’t Know Jack-style trivia question

by Haley Walker, the head writer of Salty Trivia with Candy Barre, a YDKJ fangame

The anatomy of a YDKJ question

As the tagline says, YDKJ is where “high culture and pop culture collide”. A good YDKJ question is first and foremost a soft trivia question that most people can reasonably confidently expect to guess. It also has a little pop culture coating around it, like the hard candy shell on a Tootsie Pop.

The “pop culture” bit could be references to movies, video games, music, memes, or TV shows (or their modern equivalent, online streaming service originals). It could even just be a stupid pun.

Asstronomy How many Earths could you stuff into the volume of Uranus before it just couldn’t take any more? A. 6 B. 63 C. 630 D. 6300 —YDKJ2011 E1 Q1

Oh, and of course, official YDKJ questions have a lot of fart jokes in them.

High-to-Pop Balance

The questions should be fully understandable with cursory knowledge of the reference in question. For example, someone who has only kind of heard the name “Paul Rudd” in passing could get all the questions right in YDKJ2015’s Paul Rudd episode. In fact, none of the questions ask anything about Paul Rudd.

Let There Be Rudd If Paul Rudd’s real first name were like Paul the Apostle’s original first name, what would he be called? A. Raul Rudd B. Saul Rudd C. Gaul Rudd D. Simon Rudd —YDKJ2015 “Paul Rudd Episode” Q4

Be careful, though, to make the pop culture reference clear enough, without sacrificing the understandability of the trivia question underneath it.

The ideal YDKJ question is a Tootsie Pop, with a soft trivia center inside a hard pop culture shell. When there’s too much lollipop, it’s too much effort to get to the tootsie roll center. Too little lollipop, it’s just a tootsie roll on a stick.

Examples

Let’s review some fanmade YDKJ questions.

This is a well-balanced question.

Moderating’s Hard Say you were spamming in a server. Mostly what were you caught doing? A. posting multiple chicken pics at once B. starting beef with others C. slapping someone with a large fish D. not shutting up about pork

The high culture layer is what kind of meat Hormel’s luncheon meat Spam is made of, and the pop culture layer is the act of spamming that the Monty Python skit gave name to.

This is a question with too much pop culture.

Mythic Baked Liquids Guess what Pastry's Skill Quote this rhymes with In test, Delight of Denise. 1: You are able to control all water and have a Crush on the Moon. 2: You want your Enemies to WITNESS something. 3: Perhaps something about the SEAS?

This question is all pop culture, and requires more than a cursory knowledge of what "Pastry's Skill Quote" is. (The question writer then clarified that it's supposed to be some kind of thing from Cookie Run, but that doesn't explain anything and doesn't cause us to be able to guess that the right answer is "Witness the might of the seas", and that’s kind of the point of why this question is so unbalanced.)

I would raise an example of a question with too much high culture, but ample of them are already in Jeopardy!, so I won’t harp on about it.

Pitfalls

Some sources are not very reliable, including Wikipedia, but there are a lot of other places that are less reputable.

Names of phobias come up in fanmade YDKJ questions quite often, but the vast majority of them are invented by some random person with a less than stellar understanding of Greek and Latin. If you can find it in Wikipedia’s list of phobia names that aren’t in the “Jocular and fictional phobias” section, it’s safe to use. Otherwise, if you can’t find a medical paper that uses that name, it’s wise to discard it.

Terms of venery are another iffy subject. Aside from the very famous “flock of birds” (but “murder of crows”), “pack of dogs/wolves”, “herd of cows/horses”, “pride of big cats”, and “school of fish”, you should generally shy away from them.

Writing patterns

There are some common pitfalls that a YDKJ question can fall into, most of which arise from the wording not being clear enough. Here are some phrases to mitigate the issues.

“Which of these [things] is the MOST/LEAST likely”

This pattern is used when there are multiple correct answers, or the options all apply to a different degree. It is also used to signal that it’s a matter of opinion or simple wordplay.

“Based on [criterion]” or “Because [criterion]”

This pattern is used to clarify why. I will show you a bad YDKJ question for a change.

Pixar Movies Make Me Gassy If I wanted to reenact the movie Up, what would I definitely not want to attach to my house? A. hydrogen balloons B. helium balloons C. carbon dioxide balloons D. ammonia balloons —YDKJ2011 E25 Q6

The intended answer was C. carbon dioxide balloons, because it was the only one of the three had a lower density than air at room temperature. However, you wouldn’t want to attach the rest of them to your house for various reasons: Hydrogen and ammonia are both hazardous to handle because they are flammable, while we are running out of helium, so they would be very expensive to use. This is not even to mention that ammonia has a very strong odor. (Did I mention YDKJ has a lot of fart jokes?)

Adding the phrase “Based on” to the question, I can rewrite the question to clarify why Cookie would definitely not want to attach to his house:

Hydrogen: Because it is the most flammable, what would I...

Helium: Based on the price, what would I...

Carbon Dioxide: Based on its density, what would I...

Ammonia: Based on the level of health hazard, what would I...

“If/Say/Suppose [premise]. [question]?”

This pattern is used to introduce a premise that too complex to be woven into the question itself. If you need multiple sentences to introduce the premise of the question, even after the little rant Cookie sometimes does before the questions, you may want to reword the question, work on it some more, or scrap it.

#ydkj #you don't know jack #writing advice

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lilas · 2 years

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Hi! I've just started drawing. I really like it, but I don't have much time because of school, so most of the time, when I draw, I like to learn new techniques. I really admire your art, and I was hoping that you could share some tips? And if it's possible, explain how to do the stained glass thing? I understand if you don't want to, though. Thank you!

Hello, and I hope you continue to love drawing!

The biggest piece of advice I can give is to just have fun, play around with different styles, and experiment, which it seems like you’re already doing so you’re on the right track.

As for the stained glass illustrations, I’m happy to show you the general process. I won’t get too much into nuance since it’s more personal to my specific style and you can go about things differently as you try it out. ☺️

Beneath the cut!

I’ll use this illustration of the Wayfarer companions as the example since I have a lot of process pics from it.

1. Compositional sketch and final sketch

So first when planning a stained glass work, I play around with a compositional sketch—it’s easier and a lot quicker to adjust things.

This illustration was pretty straightforward. I just wanted the companions (and Aeran) standing together in typical heroic ensemble fashion with some nods to their unique skills. So when I was sketching, I was just adjusting for things like proportions and anatomy.

Then I did the final sketch over it, and started building up what will eventually become the framework.

Since the main point of interest (the companions) were figured out, I also integrated the background elements.

2. Lining

The most tedious, time consuming, and important part tbh.. you want to make sure it is clean and you know what you want your main shapes to be.

At this point I’ll also add some tinier shapes if I think a spot needs them.

3. Color and Texture

Next is color! My favorite part and it honestly can go by pretty quick if you have colors already in mind.

I usually block out the colors first so I can test different color schemes quickly, kind of like this:

Once I have the base colors set, I’ll go into each color block and alternate with different shades and tints of that base color. To me this adds interest and and depth to the illustration.

Then I add texture!

The textures I use vary, sometimes I’ll create my own, sometimes I’ll doctor high res photos of textured glass from the web. I personally like a more liquidy feel to the glass texture so I look for things like that.

I use two to three, and adjust their layer/overlay modes depending on how they look together.

It takes some practice with finding a good balance of texture. Give yourself some room to play around with the combinations!

4. Coloring line art and viola!

Final step is coloring line art, and it’s subjective how you do it and dependent on the actual piece.

For this, the colors are very bright and like a rainbow, so the line was colored to be more of a rainbow. Definitely play around with it

And that’s it! That’s how it all comes together.

I also have this process video. It’s of an older piece, and I entirely change the comp halfway through but it might be helpful.

Let me know if you have any other questions and have fun drawing! 👋

#lilas art #art tutorials #asks

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bbangsoonie · 3 years

Text

jeong (정)

member: sunwoo genre: angst, fluff word count: 7,233 synopsis: the line between love and hate is blurred as you struggle to erase sunwoo out of your life.

a/n: lightly inspired by @timextoxhajima‘s hostis because i now understand the hype over the enemies to lovers trope

sequel: commitment

Sunwoo was annoying. He always got on your nerves and had the habit of stealing everyone’s attention. It all started when the school reallocated its resources to better fund the boys soccer team by taking away a part of the girls soccer team’s budget.

Immediately after hearing the news, you stormed into the boys locker room to confront the team captain. Wolf whistles as well as yelps of surprise trailed after your path. You didn’t see the guys scrambling to cover their exposed torsos; you only saw red.

By the time you reached Sunwoo, all eyes were on you.

“Is this the only idea you could come up with to get a glance at the male anatomy?” he snickered.

“It was you, wasn’t it?” you glared as you pointed accusingly. “You’re the one who insisted that the boys team needed to replace their perfectly fine jerseys when the girls team has been fundraising to buy new ones.”

“It’s not my fault that the school wants to invest in the better team,” he arrogantly shrugged.

That was the last straw.

Your foot reached out to kick his shin, making him kneel in pain. He gaped at you in disbelief as you wore a smug expression.

“The girls team has won way more games than the boys team,” you reminded.

“The boys team generates more revenue from tickets,” he retorted.

“That’s because this school’s sexist,” you scoffed.

“Nothing changes the fact that our team attracts more spectators,” he taunted.

You’ve always had a bit of an anger issue. Hence, you couldn’t hold yourself back from stamping on his foot before turning around to leave. You ignored his yells as he screamed profanities at your back view.

That was the beginning of the neverending rivalry between you and Sunwoo. The entire student body came to know of the feud as you two spent all of high school sabotaging each other.

He would drench your uniform with water before practice and you would throw his cleats over the school wall. He would trip you in the hallways and you would shove past him as if he was invisible. You both trained like your life depended on it to win championships just to brag to the other.

You hated how cocky he was. You hated how he made it his life’s mission to piss you off. But what you hated most was how your heart still raced whenever he was around.

미운 정도 정이다. It means, “even hateful jeong is still jeong”.

Jeong is an interesting word. There isn’t an exact translation for it in English. The definition is a mix of affection, attachment, and sentiment. Even in Korean, the meaning is broad and ambiguous.

And it was the best word to describe your relationship with Sunwoo. Despite wanting to strangle him, a tiny part of you cared to be involved in his life. You liked being the one person who could push his buttons.

As much as you wanted to deny it, he was an amazing soccer player. And as a fellow athlete, you had to admit it and even envied him for it. But you would never let him know that. You could never let him catch you peeking at his skills on the field.

But when Haknyeon asked you out in senior year, all thoughts of Sunwoo left your head. Your stomach stopped churning at the sight of your enemy. Instead, it fluttered with butterflies thanks to your first boyfriend.

Haknyeon was the complete opposite of your arch nemesis. He was sweet, caring, and mature. He picked you up at your house to walk to school together and took you home after school. He called you pretty and made you feel loved. He always made you a priority and never upset you.

Something about it didn’t sit right with Sunwoo. He didn’t like how Haknyeon took up all your time and stole your attention. He didn’t like not having you pick a fight about every little thing. He didn’t like how you brushed him off with a simple eye roll rather than arguing with him.

He convinced himself that it wasn’t jealousy. No, there was no way he was jealous. He just didn’t like seeing you all happy.

So when he saw you after dismissal, he stopped you in your tracks.

“So you’re just another girl who lets a guy change her,” he provoked. “It disgusts me to see you act all girly and innocent around him.”

“Just say you’re lonely and can’t get a girlfriend,” you sneered.

You tried to walk past him but were blocked again. You opened your mouth to tell him to get out of your way but his own mouth silenced yours. Literally.

It took you a few seconds to register what was happening. Then your eyes widened when you realized that he was kissing you.

“What the hell, Kim Sunwoo?” you spat as you shoved him off of you. His eyes weren’t on you but somewhere behind you. You followed his gaze to see Haknyeon standing just a few meters away.

Your boyfriend’s fist was nearly shaking by his side. You gasped as your hand shot up to cover your mouth, which probably wasn’t the best gesture to fix the misunderstanding.

“Haknyeon-” you tried to explain the situation but he was already turning around to leave.

“Forget it. We’re over,” his voice had never sounded so cold.

The pain in his eyes hurt more than the sudden breakup. Your feet refused to move despite every nerve in your body willing yourself to chase after him. You could only watch as he disappeared from your view.

“What was that for?” you yelled, turning to the boy who was secretly just as surprised as you were.

Sunwoo wasn’t sure why he did what he did either. Part of him wanted to piss you off. Part of him just wanted to feel your lips against his. But the moment Haknyeon came into his sight, something in him snapped. All he wanted to do was break him. Break you. Break you two up.

So, stupidly, he let his ego take over. He didn’t know what came over him or how he could smirk while looking into your sad eyes. But he did as he shrugged.

“Just one more thing I took from you.”

Sunwoo had taken away a lot of things from you. Your sanity, your temper, the title of being your school’s best soccer player, and even your homework. But you never thought he’d cross the line to steal your first kiss and ruin your first relationship.

Like that, your first love crumbled to dust. Like that, you lost all trust in love. Like that, your fiery competitive side vanished.

“Fine. You won,” you spoke barely above a whisper. “Happy now?”

He didn’t think he’d feel this much guilt and regret. He didn’t think he’d wish he could unsee the tears welling in your eyes. Yet, he still didn’t do anything as you walked away.

The next day, the whole school was whispering about you. You grit your teeth and barely managed to get by the day.

Cheater. Slut. Whore. There weren’t any words you didn’t hear.

So when you lost it at practice after missing a goal, the coach sent you to the nurse’s office to cool off. The nurse offered you a glass of water before leaving the room to fetch some documents.

To add insult to injury, the person you least wanted to see opened the door.

“Get out,” your grip around the cup tightened and your knuckles began to turn white.

“Y/n-” Sunwoo’s sentence was cut short by a loud crash. You slammed the cup on the table with enough force to shatter the glass. He stood there frozen, stunned by your explosion.

“Get. Out,” you seethed. Your voice was calm yet shaky as you tried your best to refrain from screaming at him. Not wanting to upset you further, he hesitantly obliged.

Your self destruction mode was officially turned on and there was no going back. You were going to transfer out of this stupid school.

Seeing Sunwoo’s face made your blood boil and you couldn’t bear to be worse than strangers with Haknyeon. You were the school’s biggest villain and you hated the disdain that everyone looked at you with.

It was only when Sunwoo saw your empty desk in the classroom that he realized he truly screwed up.

Five years later, you landed your first job after graduating from college. Because of your unpleasant high school experience, you left soccer behind and never looked back. You pursued a career in marketing and entered the corporate world.

You were determined to forget all about past pains as you began your adult life.

Fate, however, had other plans. After introductions with your department, your chief guided you to the break room to give you a tour. Never in a million years did you ever imagine seeing Kim Sunwoo there.

He was in the middle of pouring coffee when Chief Lee pointed him out as one of the company’s accountants. While you maintained a poker face, Sunwoo couldn’t hide his shock.

“Do you two know each other?” Chief Lee asked, amused.

“No, sir.”

“Yes, sir.”

Chief Lee blinked in confusion at the contrasting responses. Awkwardly laughing, he asked if it was something he shouldn’t poke at.

“I think we went to the same high school for a bit,” you quickly explained. “Though I don’t remember too much of my time there because I moved away.”

Your boss nodded in understanding and dropped the subject. You avoided Sunwoo’s eyes as you followed him out of the room. It had been suffocating in there and you finally took a deep breath once you left.

On your way to your cubicle, you caught a glimpse of Sunwoo’s desk. You could easily identify his workspace by the framed photo of him in his old soccer uniform.

Looking at it, you were reminded of Sunwoo, who had fun playing with your feelings and messing with your established relationship. And of Haknyeon, who chose to believe in the set up instead of you.

At a coworker’s question, you snapped back into reality. You chided yourself for your lack of professionalism hurried over to help with whatever she was struggling with. You spent the rest of the day adjusting to your new environment and ignoring the person you had hoped to never see again.

The next day, you walked into the break room and saw that Sunwoo was the only one in there. You broke the uncomfortable eye contact and turned back to leave but his voice stopped you before you could.

“Want some coffee?”

You almost scoffed out loud at his nonchalance. So he was going to play dumb? Fine, two could play at that game.

“No thanks. I don’t like coffee,” you said as you reached for the pot of coffee.

“Sugar?” he offered.

“No, I like it black.”

No you didn’t. You couldn’t stand the taste of Americanos because of its bitterness. You liked adding a lot of milk and sugar into your coffee. But your pride would not allow you to take anything from him.

So you swallowed the bitter drink and left.

Unfortunately for you, Sunwoo was as persistent as you remembered him to be. He greeted you each morning with a cup of black coffee that you couldn’t decline in front of all your coworkers. Because of one lie you made, you now had to suffer every day.

Even at work, he was a social butterfly. He was just as well-liked as he was in high school. All the male employees were friendly with him and all the female employees swooned over his good looks.

Once again, you were the only one who couldn’t stand him.

And to your annoyance, you and Sunwoo were paired up for a project. You were both representing your own department and had to work together. The project entailed one-on-one meetings as well as client meetings. There was no way you could steer clear of him now.

Reminding yourself that you were doing this for your salary, you plastered on a fake smile. Though you loathed being in his presence, you had no choice but to put up with it.

“This is the budget we’ve been given for the marketing campaign,” he said as pulled out a chart.

“I know how to read,” you snapped.

Sunwoo chuckled at your feistiness, which only irritated you more. Meanwhile, he was glad to see that you haven’t changed much.

“You’re still the same,” he commented.

“Don’t talk as if you know me. And I’d appreciate it if you upheld formalities at work, Accountant Kim.”

“Ouch.”

You comforted yourself with the fact that once this project was finished, you wouldn’t have to see him so often. That was the only thing that kept you going. That was the only thing stopping you from ripping his head off.

You wished he would stop trying to win you over. To act like you two were on a team. Well, yes, you were on a team for the project. But there was no sense of comradeship. At least not for you.

Today, like all the previous days, he brought you a sandwich to share. He insisted that it was too much for him to eat alone and that you needed to eat too anyway. You couldn’t come up with a good rebuttal for that.

Begrudgingly, you picked at the sandwich in front of you. You didn’t even like the one he bought. You were never a fan of vegetables and this was filled with a bunch of them.

After observing which ingredients you plucked out of each sandwich, Sunwoo came to order a customized sandwich for your childish palate. The list of things you didn’t eat was long: tomatoes, cheese, onions, spinach, olives, and cucumbers. In the end, he finally managed to satisfy you by bringing a sandwich with just ham, lettuce, and mayonnaise.

He hid the smile that formed on his face when you devoured your meal. It was the first time you didn’t leave leftovers.

A knock interrupted his thoughts and Chief Lee poked his head through the door to notify you two of a company dinner. It was to serve as a belated welcome dinner for you and as the company’s bonding experience.

That was how you ended up at a sushi restaurant sitting next across from Sunwoo. You took drinks from coworkers, hoping the alcohol would ease the awkwardness you felt.

Feeling uneasy at the fast pace you were drinking, he nudged your foot under the table. Not in the mood for playing footsie, you shot him a look and kicked his foot away.

“So, Y/n, I heard you used to play soccer as well,” Chief Lee turned his attention to you. Eyeing Sunwoo, you half-heartedly laughed as you shook your head.

“That was a long time ago,” you brushed off.

“What made you stop playing?” he innocently asked. You could feel Sunwoo’s gaze on you as he waited to hear your answer.

“I guess I just got tired of competitions,” you forced a smile. “It really drains you after a while.”

“Oh that’s pretty similar to what Sunwoo said about quitting soccer!” he exclaimed.

That was news to you. You never really wondered why Sunwoo was in accounting and not playing in a national team like he used to proclaim he would.

“He said he stopped enjoying winning. Sounds a little obnoxious, right?” he joked.

You could infer what the deeper meaning behind those words were. But you refused to acknowledge it. You weren’t going to humanize him now after all these years. He was the antagonist in your life and he was going to stay as just that.

By the time everyone left the restaurant and began to disperse, you were beginning to feel the effects of the saké. You bid your higher ups farewell as they got into taxis and were eventually left alone with Sunwoo.

“Where do you live? I’ll take you home,” he held onto your arm after you stumbled a bit. You shook yourself free from his grasp and frowned.

“I can get home by myself.”

“It’s late. Stop being so stubborn and let go of your pride for just one night.”

“Fuck off, Sunwoo.”

It was the first time you spoke so roughly and addressed him casually since high school. He had almost missed it. Almost.

“Get off your high horse and learn how to accept help,” he crossed his arms.

“You haven’t changed either,” you said as you mirrored his pose. “You’re still fooling everyone else with that capitalistic smile and personality. How could they ever imagine your true twisted self?”

“If this is about-”

“It doesn’t matter what this is about. The bottom line is that I find you repulsive. I want nothing to do with you but I’m holding back because we have to work together. Because I’m not going to let you affect my life anymore.”

With that, you hailed a cab and slammed the door shut. Sunwoo was left to watch the car drive away, just like how you watched Haknyeon walk away five years ago.

You didn’t do a great job of hiding your hangover the next day. Your coworkers offered you sympathetic smiles as you groaned at your upset stomach.

A hangover drink was suddenly placed in front of your face that was resting on your desk. Surprised, you sat up and was displeased to see Sunwoo yet again. He left it there and walked off.

You shoved the bottle to the corner of your desk and hid it behind your computer monitor. One hangover drink wasn’t going to make reparations for years of torture.

“Y/n, could you meet with the client today? I know the meeting was supposed to be tomorrow but they asked to do it today instead,” Chief Lee asked.

Then came the anticipated and dreaded following words.

“Take Sunwoo with you too.”

The trip was fairly uneventful. Both of you were in business mode and got through with the meeting with no hiccups.

It wasn’t until you reached the bus stop that you wavered. A little boy was playing with a soccer ball and unintentionally began passing it back and forth with Sunwoo. While waiting for the bus, Sunwoo taught him how to dribble.

You could tell by the way his face lit up that he still loved soccer. It was a shame that he gave up playing professionally.

Seeing him happy to teach made you long to play as again. Running on the field had been an outlet to relieve your stress. But now, it was nothing more than a distant memory.

If only Sunwoo had been half as kind to you back then as he was to the little boy now.

You shook your head to rid any lingering regrets. The past was the past. Both soccer and Sunwoo held no significance in your life anymore.

You should have known better than to attend the next company dinner. After what happened at the last one, you should have known that mixing alcohol with Sunwoo was never a good idea. He still had a way of setting you off.

Once again, you two were the last to leave the restaurant.

It was a Friday night and you didn’t feel like going home. You wanted to drink a little more and began walking around to find a place that was open. You didn’t bother flipping Sunwoo off when he followed after you.

You two ended up at a random pub with nothing but two soju bottles on the table between you. You couldn’t bear to converse with him sober.

“So what’s the real reason you quit soccer?” you asked as you poured yourself another shot. He took the glass from you and downed it himself. You rolled your eyes and drank from the bottle.

“Without you to fire me up, it became mundane. And winning stopped bringing me joy,” he paused before continuing. “You know, your words haunted me for the longest time. “Fine. You won. Happy now?” I couldn’t get it out of my head until I stepped down from the team.”

“You deserved it,” you mumbled.

“I know,” he admitted. “So I lived with regret and I still do. I never got to properly apologize for what I did. Until now.”

He couldn’t just undo everything he did with a simple apology. You hated how he assumed all would be good just because time had passed. Five years had gone by but you spent those five years building thick walls around you.

But what you hated more was that your hatred for him was beginning to fade. You could feel yourself growing fond of him and it terrified you. That stupid jeong was still there. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t erase him from your heart.

Giving him the power to hurt you again was never in your plans. In fact, crossing paths with him was never a part of your plan.

Your resentment towards him was beginning to shift towards yourself. It felt like high school all over again, with you despising the fact that your heart reacted to an asshole like him.

It disgusted you.

So you got up, paid for the drinks, and left.

Another hangover drink was waiting for you when you arrived at work the next day. It merely joined the other bottle behind your screen.

Fate sure did love to go against you. You and Sunwoo were asked to run an errand outside together and you fought back a groan. Letting out a small sigh, you reached under your desk to change out of your heels and into your sneakers.

The two of you were sent to a supermarket to take notes on which products were being advertised and which products were on sale.

You were writing in a notebook while Sunwoo was throwing things into a cart. So far, it was filled with chips and cup ramen. You wanted to shake your head at how he could act like he hadn’t unloaded his burden on you last night.

He caught you staring and grinned.

“What? The pantry in the break room is almost empty so I’m gonna refill it,” he explained.

“I didn’t ask,” you deadpanned as you walked off.

He trailed after you like a puppy following its owner until a pack of jelly caught his eye. He rushed to grab it before proudly presenting it to you.

“This is the jelly you used to like. I remember because you got so mad at me for stealing and eating all of it,” he recalled.

How could he talk about the past as if he wasn’t the reason for your sour mood both back then and now?

You gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the time at the mart. On the way back to the office, however, he got you to talk again.

In the middle of the sidewalk, he paused his steps and motioned for you to do the same. Before you could ask why, he bent down to pick up the loose shoelace that had been swinging by your sole. You stared as he tied the laces together and then stood back up with a smile.

“Stop it,” you blurted. He cocked his head in confusion, unsure of what made you so upset all of a sudden.

In that moment, you decided that you would not allow yourself to be dragged around by him any longer. You despised how he still held control over your emotions and refused to let it continue.

“Stop acting like you didn’t ruin my life five years ago. Stop acting like we’re close enough for us to reminisce over memories and for you to be tying my shoes. Stop acting like you don’t detest me and that I don’t detest you,” your voice was now raised.

He looked at you with eyes feigning innocence and it pissed you off.

“I hate it. I hate how you pretend to be nice and I hate how you pretend to care for me. I hate how you’re just trying to erase your past self. I hate you.”

“Hate is a strong word,” he finally spoke after taking in your words.

Scoffing, you squatted to undo your shoelaces out of spite. After you angrily pulled them loose, you stomped off.

The soft manner in which he treated you with. The genuine concern he looked at you with. You hated it all.

You heard a sigh before he ran to face you. You glared and demanded he move but he refused to budge.

“I messed up. I know I did. I was young and immature. That’s why I’m apologizing and trying to make up for it. But you won’t hear any of it no matter how hard I try,” he said, frustrated.

“It’s not an apology if you force me to accept it,” you spat. “What happened five years ago may not mean much to you but for me, that was when you destroyed the concept of love and trust. You stole my first kiss and first love. The way I’m ignoring you now is in no way comparable to the way Haknyeon ignored me back then. Everyone turned their back on me and I was labeled as a cheating bitch.”

Bringing the topic up reopened scars you thought had healed.

“You did all that on purpose, Kim Sunwoo. For once, I was finally happy and receiving love. But you couldn’t stand to see that and had to ruin it. That’s why I can’t look at you without thinking of what I had to go through because of you.”

“Believe it or not, it wasn’t on purpose.”

“Bullshit.”

“I liked you, okay? I fucking liked you,” he confessed, catching you off guard. “I kissed you because I wanted to but I admit I also wanted Haknyeon to see it. Because I hated that he was the one by your side, and not me.”

You searched his eyes for any signs of deceit but all you could see was sincerity. It scared you.

“Why tell me all this now?” you asked.

“Because, you dense rock, I still like you.”

That was all it took for you to smash your lips onto his. When you realized what you had just done, you pulled back and covered your mouth as you gasped. Sunwoo watched in amusement as you attempted to sputter an excuse before giving up and running away.

“Where are you going, Y/n?” he laughed as he chased after you.

“Stop following me!” you yelled as your speed increased.

Eric, a member of the marketing department, suspiciously eyed you and Sunwoo. Unable to come up with an explanation and unable to withhold his curiosity, he rolled his chair over to bump into yours.

“Did something happen? The icy tension that’s normally between you two has been replaced by an awkward vibe. Ever since yesterday,” he commented.

“Nope,” you quickly answered as you got up to go make copies.

“Something happened, right?” he probed as he glanced over at Sunwoo, who merely shrugged. Eric tilted his head and mumbled something about his intuition always being correct until he was called over by Chief Lee.

Sunwoo made sure no one was looking before making his way to join you in the copy room. You didn’t hear him come in until he crept up behind you.

“Are you going to continue to be so obvious?” he asked, startling you. Your breath hitched in your throat when you felt his hand brush over yours to click a button.

“I’m sure you meant to make 10 copies instead of 100,” he chuckled.

You scowled at his teasing as you shoved him away. Ever since that incident, he was acting like he had the upper hand.

“It’s like you want everyone to know we kissed,” he smirked as he emphasized the last word.

You slapped his arm, loudly shushing him. How could he be so nonchalant about it while you were terrified of having your coworkers catch on?

“Shut up!” you whispered.

“What? You were the one who couldn’t resist my lips,” he said smugly.

“That meant nothing,” you huffed.

His expression immediately hardened at your words. He caught a hold of your sleeve before you could open the door to leave. You looked down to see his hand grabbing your blouse instead of your wrist.

“Stop walking away from me all the time,” the seriousness in his tone surprised you. “Stop leaving me behind and stop pretending like you didn’t feel anything yesterday.”

“What happened yesterday doesn’t change the fact that I still hate you,” you lied.

“It takes a lot of energy and dedication to hate me the way you do. And you know what they say: even hateful jeong is still jeong.”

“I do not have jeong for you.”

“Even after this?”

With that, he gently pulled you close to him and planted another kiss. Except this time, it was more than just a peck.

Before it could advance any further, however, you heard the door creak open. Both you and Sunwoo jumped at the sound, frightened to see Eric standing there.

Eric awkwardly cleared his throat, not knowing how to react. In one aspect, he was proud to have guessed that something in your relationship changed. In another, he hadn’t really wanted to witness it firsthand.

“I’m gonna…” he slowly backed up. “I’m gonna go. You guys can… continue.”

You facepalmed and wanted to hide in embarrassment. Meanwhile, Sunwoo tried to play it cool despite his bright red ears.

You nearly screamed when the door swung open again and Eric’s head popped in.

“Congratulations by the way,” he grinned before bolting.

“I don’t know who to kill first,” you sighed. “You or him.”

You and Sunwoo had begun to make amends. You weren’t dating but you also weren’t clawing at each other’s throat anymore. For once, you felt relaxed around him.

He drove you home after work and came over on weekends to cook for you. He was a terrible chef but knew the best places to order takeout from after setting off the fire alarm.

It finally felt like the world was done throwing you obstacles.

That was, until you ran into someone else you hadn’t expected to see ever again.

There he was, with an iced Americano in his hand, standing just as still as you were. Ju Haknyeon. Five years had passed but he still did wonders to your heart.

The two of you stayed frozen like that until the cashier asked if you were going to order. Apologizing, you walked up to place your order.

Haknyeon waited until you got your coffee to sit down at a table together. You fiddled with the straw as you tried to think of something to say. Luckily, he was the first to break the silence.

“Vanilla latte,” he pointed out. “I see you still like sweet drinks.”

“Yeah, I was never a fan of dark coffee.”

“It’s been a long time. How have you been?”

“Good. What about you?”

Younger you would have never thought that you and Haknyeon would be exchanging awkward small talk at a cafe. But here you were, discussing work and weather.

Until Sunwoo’s name lit up your phone, notifying you of his incoming call. Flustered, you flipped it to have the screen face down.

“After all these years, is there still no room for me in your heart?” Haknyeon quietly asked. The elephant in the room was finally going to be acknowledged and addressed.

“You know, I really loved you,” you said. “You were the only one in my heart back then.”

“As much as I wish it were true, you know it’s not,” he bitterly smiled.

“You were my first love and that’s a fact. What you saw that day was a misunderstanding you never let me clear up.”

“I may have had your love but I never had all of it. There was always a small part of your heart that you reserved for Sunwoo. That’s why I ended our relationship. Because I was the one who loved more and it scared me. I was scared that it would hurt more later on when you would eventually realize.”

You were left speechless as he triggered your self awareness.

Jeong. That stupid jeong. It trapped you in a tangled mess both then and now. It was why you could never detach yourself from Sunwoo despite hating his guts.

“Hate is often an obverse form of love. You hate someone whom you really wish to love but whom you cannot love,” Haknyeon recited. “It’s a quote I came across that immediately made me think of you.

You were filled with guilt as you came to realize that you hadn’t been as good of a girlfriend you thought you had been.

“Trying to win over him was a losing fight,” he continued. “But I don’t blame you. I never did. I’ve always wanted to tell you that it wasn’t me who spread the rumors. I have no idea how others found out.”

And that was how your perception of high school fell apart.

“You should call him back,” he said before getting up. “It was nice seeing you, Y/n.”

After that missed call, Sunwoo was unreachable the rest of the weekend. You didn’t think much of it until Monday when he avoided you like a plague.

Even Eric noticed how distant he was being. He asked if you two fought, to which Sunwoo stiffly denied.

Just when you were starting to see Sunwoo in a different light, he returned to his old self. But worse. At least the old him used to retaliate. Now, he was just flat out ignoring you.

Frustrated, you barely managed to get him alone to confront him.

“Alright, spill,” you demanded. “Why do you have a stick up your ass?”

“I do not,” he snorted.

“Yes you do,” you rolled your eyes. “Is this because I missed your call the other day?”

“No,” he curtly answered as he tried to leave. Before he could, however, you held onto him.

“What the hell is up with you, Kim Sunwoo?”

“Nothing. Let go,” he pried your grip off and left you in the break room alone.

You stared at the door in disbelief. You couldn’t figure out what you could have possibly done for him to act like this. It couldn’t have been because of just one missed call.

You let out an annoyed sigh and shook your head. How much longer was his tantrum going to last?

The answer to that question was: fairly long.

A week went by with him treating you like a ghost. He only spoke to you when he had to for the project. Other than work-related conversations, there was no interaction between you two.

It was only until you saw him flirting with another coworker that you decided to stop trying to get through to him. When he flashed her that stupid smile you both loved and hated, your hands fisted to crumble the paper in your hand.

Right. Sunwoo had always been like this. He had always been the type of guy to attract girls and entertain them out of boredom.

You had forgotten about why you used to dislike him so much. He only played along to his mood swings. If he lost interest in something—or someone—he dropped it cold.

You were the idiot for believing he had changed. For thinking that he was ever genuine with you.

Once again, he was the cause of your broken trust. And this time, it hurt a lot more.

“I still like you.”

His voice rang in your head every time he walked past without sparing you a glance and every time he laughed at another female coworker’s joke.

If he was going to be like this, he shouldn’t have said those words. If he was going to act like you never kissed him, he shouldn’t have kissed you again.

“Y/n?” Chief Lee’s voice was finally heard after calling out to you a few times.

“Huh?” you snapped out of the daze you were in.

“The company dinner tonight. Can you make it?” he chuckled.

“Oh, yes, of course, sir.”

You wish you hadn’t agreed. You spent the night pinching your thighs to distract yourself from the sight of a Sunwoo having a lovey-dovey time with Ahri. She giggled at every word he said and he kept both the plate and cup in front of her full.

You stared at the empty glass in front of you. It looked a lot like the one you had smashed in the nurse’s office five years ago.

At that moment, a half empty soju bottle was knocked over. The remaining liquid spilled onto the table, slightly wettening Ahri’s sleeve. Sunwoo dabbed at the fabric with a napkin and you almost scoffed at his gentleman façade.

Now the glass cup in front of you was really tempting you to repeat history.

You grabbed the teapot to warm up your insides but accidentally over-poured it, spilling the hot tea over your hand. Your yelp of pain garnered attention and your coworkers gasped at the sight of the red mark on your skin.

Tears brimmed at your eyes not because of the burning sensation on your hand but because of Sunwoo’s indifferent expression. He had been so concerned over Ahri’s clothes getting wet but seemed to care less about you.

You excused yourself and ran to the bathroom before anyone could catch the stray droplet that escaped down to your cheek.

Running your hand under the sink’s cold water, you allowed yourself to get lost in your own thoughts. You sniffled as you cursed Sunwoo out in your head.

Fuck him. Who was he to ruin you twice?

When you returned to the table, you assured everyone that you were fine and insisted that they go back to enjoying dinner. To avoid suspicion, you stayed until the end despite wanting to leave.

This time, you managed to flee before you could be left alone with Sunwoo. You found refuge at a nearby bar, not quite ready to go home just yet.

“Y/n..?” you heard a familiar voice.

You turned around to see Haknyeon yet again. You were happier to see him than the last time.

“What’s with the long face? Is it not going well with Sunwoo?” he asked as he took the seat next to you.

“Don’t say his name,” you groaned.

“You know, I’m always ready to take his place if he doesn’t treat you right,” he joked. There was a bit of honesty mixed in.

“I’m done with boys,” you sighed as you sipped on your wine.

“Hey, what happened to the gutsy Y/n I knew?”

“Gone. Dead. Nonexistent.”

He frowned at your words and questioned what caused you to lose your spark.

“Turns out I’m not as strong as I made myself out to be,” you shrugged. “It’s been five years since I came to that conclusion.”

“Or,” he dragged out the word. “You’re just afraid of what will happen if you add too much fuel to your fire. You’re afraid things will blow up and get out of hand.”

“I’m not sober enough to hear you talk in metaphors.”

“All I’m saying is that a fire is meant to burn, not die out.”

Though it barely made sense to your drunk mind, it made you think. Then you got riled up wondering who the hell Sunwoo thought he was to put out your fire.

Did it completely make sense in your head? No. But you were irked. And that was a good enough excuse to drunk call the one who was always pissing you off.

You demanded that he meet you at the nearby park and hung up before he could refute. You arrived first and brooded until he came. He found you huddled on a bench with your arms crossed and your face frowning.

“You!” you got up and pointed a finger at his face when you saw him coming. “What do you think you are, huh? Flaming my fire and blowing it out as you please.”

“You’re drunk. Go home.”

“No, you listen. First, you say some fake shit about liking me or whatnot. Then you kiss me to confuse me and act like my fucking boyfriend. And out of nowhere you treat me like a stranger while you flaunt your new fling right in front of me. What is all that, huh? Is this fun to you? Am I a joke to you? You aren’t done messing around with me after all these years?”

You lost your balance but was caught in his arms before you could fall.

“See?” you snatched your arm back from him. “You didn’t bat an eye when I burned myself but all of a sudden you care if I twist an ankle?”

“Y/n,” he sighed.

“What? Huh? Say something, even if it’s just an excuse.”

“You’re the one who’s back together with Haknyeon,” he snapped. “And this time, I’m respecting your relationship status.”

“Haknyeon?” your brows furrowed in confusion.

“I saw you at the cafe that day. I saw you reject my call to go back to your date.”

You blinked. Then it all clicked.

“What the hell, Sunwoo?” you blurted. “I coincidentally ran into him and that was the first time I saw him in years. I missed your call because the name of the guy I kissed in front of my ex flashed up on my screen. It didn’t feel right to pick up while we were getting the closure we never got in high school.”

Silence. Then an awkward “oh”.

“Yeah, oh,” you snorted.

“So you’re not dating him again?”

“No, you dimwit.”

His cheeks reddened in embarrassment. You hated that you found him adorable, sheepishly scratching the nape of his neck. Then again, you hated a lot of things about him.

“Now it’s your turn to explain,” you said, crossing your arms again.

“Jealousy.”

This time, he wasn’t afraid to admit it. This time, he was more afraid of losing you.

“I was over the moon thinking I finally made things right with you. But when I saw you with Haknyeon, I thought it was all for nothing. I didn’t want to ruin your relationship again so I distanced myself from you because I wasn’t confident I could pretend to be happy for you. Falling back on to Ahri’s advances was just me being stupid and needing validation.”

“I don’t want to hear you say her name again,” you scowled.

“Aw, are you jealous?” he grinned.

“Watch it,” you warned with a not-so-threatening glare.

He beamed as he kissed your cheek. Then your lips. Then your forehead.

“You smell like alcohol,” he teased.

“Shut up,” you rolled your eyes but couldn’t hide the smile forming on your face.

People say that jeong is scarier than love. Because love diminishes over time whereas jeong continues to grow. Because love grows from happy memories whereas jeong grows from enduring tough times together.

And in that moment, it all made sense. It all felt worth it.

tag list: @geniejunn @wooyoung-a @cloudskyu @bloom-bloom-pow

#deobiwritersnet #the boyz angst #tbz angst #sunwoo angst #the boyz fluff #tbz fluff #sunwoo fluff #the boyz #sunwoo #the boyz imagines #sunwoo imagines #the boyz scenarios #sunwoo scenarios #the boyz fic #sunwoo fic #tbz imagines #tbz scenarios #tbz fic

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come-on-shitty-boys · 4 years

Text

//fatherhood headcannons//

Characters: Kuroo Tetsurou / Bokuto Koutarou / Daishou Suguru

Warnings: none

Word Count: 1.7K (~550 a piece)

Notes: don’t come for me and my self-indulgence. Also >:C if you’re of age and living in the United States, go fucking vote. i am not asking.

Kuroo Tetsurou

He goes into this whole fatherhood thing with complete and utter confidence. Kuroo Tetsurou is convinced that he doesn’t need to have a single parenting book. How hard can it be?

It’s all just making sure his kid doesn’t die, right? R I G H T?

He tries really hard to understand all of your discomforts during the pregnancy, but wowowow he’s bad at it. You were complaining that your feet were sore and he just looked at you weird. You had just gotten out of bed? How did your feet already hurt? Your back hurts? How? You’re laying down?

He recognizes that you’re in discomfort and he, of course, doesn’t look past that. He’s going to do whatever he needs to do to ensure your comfort, but he just struggles to comprehend it.

I promise that Kuroo was so calm and cool and collected throughout the entire pregnancy and honestly, even during delivery, he was there to tell you how great you were doing, holding your hand, letting you crush his fingers in your tight grip. He would pat your head and occasionally give you little kisses on your temple.

But when the nurse asks if he wants to hold his new little girl and places her in his arms, oh he’s crying. He doesn’t even realize that he’s crying until he feels the tears stream down his cheeks.

It was in the following weeks that he realized just how hard this whole parenting thing would be. Sleep? Kuroo didn’t know her. The baby religiously started crying every night at 2:27 a.m. and it would take nearly an hour to get her to fall back asleep. By the time that hour passed, he was already back to being wide awake and would just lay in bed, unable to fall back asleep for hours.

The first time he ever had to change a diaper, he had to pull up a YouTube video to figure it out, but he’s not about to tell you that.

He has no idea how to dad, but Kuroo ends up being a really incredible father. While he may be lacking in the basic skills like knowing the correct formula temperature or how to properly hold his daughter, he makes up for it with his constant companionship.

You’ve walked in on him in the nursery so many times. He’s really not even doing anything. He’s just leaning against the crib, running his fingers across his little girl’s skin, still not believing that this is real and that that little baby is his, something that he helped create. Oh, it just makes him so soft to think about. He talks real quietly to her, telling her about his day, like she has any idea what he’s saying, but he still smiles so wide when she looks at him.

His little girl is his entire world and I just know that he’s an incredibly protective father. He knows that the world is a scary place and he wants his daughter to be able to grow up having the best life possible, even if it is difficult.

Bokuto Koutarou

It was an accident. It was 100% an accident. But, the absolute joy that lit up his features when you told him your happy news, well, you don’t think you had ever seen him smile so wide. He had picked you up to spin you around and covered your face in kisses. Bokuto had set you down and immediately squatted down to place a kiss on your non-existent baby bump, telling his little baby how excited he was to be their papa.

Bokuto does prepare, well, at least a little. He owns one book, but he has read it cover to cover. When he was reading through it, he would stop at something that he found particularly interesting and show it to you.

He didn’t really know how best to take care of you, but he tried his best! He would rub your shoulders or feet when you asked. He would make dinner after practice. He is absolutely running to the store in the middle of the night because you had a sudden craving for Cheetos and vanilla ice cream. Bokuto thought it was best not to ask what the hell you were doing when you proceeded to dip the Cheetos in the ice cream.

Bokuto forces you on walks. He read in that one pregnancy book that walks can help induce labor, so in the time leading up to the due date, Bokuto was taking you on strolls around the block multiple times a day.

But, he gets really busy with MSBY ;-; like. . . a lot. He wants to be there every step of the way, but he just can’t. Even after the baby was born, it seemed like there was rarely a day off for him to just spend with you and the baby.

Nothing hurt more than seeing the video of his little boy taking his first steps, knowing that he wasn’t even there to see it for himself because he was stuck on a bus in another city for a game.

This boy B R A G S about his kid all the time. Sakusa might just beat his ass if he has to hear Bokuto coo about his son one more time.

Games that happen at home are Bokuto’s favorites because he knows that whenever he looks up into the stands, you’ll be there, the baby in your arms, a tiny black knit hat with gold detailing pulled over his head. It always made his heart so warm and he seemed to always be on top of his game just so he could secure a win quicker. He just wanted to rush to you and cradle his little one in his arms.

He likes to toss his little bean up into the air, but he has absolutely bonked his son’s head on the ceiling and then proceeded to fail to catch him because he was so in shock that he just hit his son’s head on the ceiling. Insert one (1) bokuto koutarou suddenly regretting every life decision that he has ever made.

Surprisingly, he’s a really good parent? He understands the balance between being caring and supportive, but also having a firm hand on discipline. He isn’t much for punishments, because he’s going to feel bad, but he won’t hesitate to sit his son down and have a talk if he needs to.

God Bokuto is such a good dad please i’m so soft i just know that he would sob his eyes out the minute the baby is on its way

Daishou Suguru

please i don’t even want children, but i would make an exception for daishou suguru

Suguru is so?? stupidly?? prepared??

Like the two of you decided that you wanted to have a baby and this man went to the bookstore and asked one of the workers which pregnancy books were the best. The poor high school student had no idea

He took notes and was just constantly studying up on things. You’d think he was back in university again with how much he poured himself over these books.

While Daishou may have all of the technical stuff down like knowing the exact female reproductive anatomy and how it all works to produce the baby and he can definitely change a diaper with his eyes closed by now, but-

When the time came to put together a nursery- oh the boy was lost. He had no idea what to do. He’d never built a crib before. He wasn’t really sure why he was expecting it to just unfold or magically form together when he took it out of the box, but now he was just sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded by bits and pieces of a baby crib, pouring over the instructions, only to get more confused.

Please go sit with him in his time of need. He’ll rest his head on your shoulder and rub tiny circles over your bump.

Suguru probably jumped a foot in the air when he felt that itty bitty kick against his hand. It took him by complete surprise and his eyes were as wide as saucers, but this really slow smile took over his face and you don’t think you had ever seen him so happy, a complete smiling and laughing mess.

He takes the best care of you b y e

Morning sickness? He’s right there to pull your hair away from your face and get you a glass of water.

Too bad he spent all this time looking up information on the actual pregnancy and had no idea what to expect for actual childbirth. Overnight bag? He said, “How long does this take?” He had no idea what to do during delivery. His dumbass just stood there until you demanded that he give you his hand and definitely screamed when you nearly crushed his bones in an absolute death grip, nails digging painfully into the back of his hand, but who was he to object. He wasn’t the one pushing a child out of his body.

Oh, did I say child? Try children. Suguru nearly fainted when the nurse said that there was “one more.” He didn’t remember seeing a second little peanut on the ultrasound, but maybe he just forgot in the overwhelming panic of the moment?

He was so good all throughout the pregnancy, but the minute the kids are born? It’s like he completely forgot everything that he read over the past nine months, but the softness in his eyes and the gentle smile on his lips the very first time he got to hold his kid? It made it all worth it. He didn’t know that it was possible to love someone so quickly, but he looked at the faces of his newborn children and he couldn’t have been happier.

Daishou has fallen asleep in the nursery chair more than once when he was up with the babies. You’d get up to see what was taking so long, only to find him leaned back, his head lolled to the side, two tiny bundles held securely to his chest.

In conclusion. I love daishou suguru and he would be a really good dad once he figured it all out

{Taglist: @moncymonce @nicka-nell @celosiiaa @kuronekomama @lovinnoya and @nekxrizawa @boosyboo9206 bc you both got me thinking about them as d a d s and now i can’t get it out of my head onyx please take this as a bribe to receive the daishou suguru hip dermal edit you made i need it}

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mensobrush · 3 years

Note

its like almost 12 am where im at but fuck it imma ask; if you don't mind do you have any show/book/series recs? most specifically art related bc whelp im just someone wanting to draw and your style is really clean and i lowkey kinda want to diversify my art so uh.

yeh.

Oh BOY have I got a list for you my friend

SHOWS: I'm not too sure about shows that would teach you art necessarily, but i know of a few that are ABOUT art and artists (forgive me because most of these are all anime lol):

1. Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken! - super cute anime about three high school girls working together to create an animated short film, there's a concept artist, animator, and manager and they have such distinct personalities! Highly recommend for anyone wanting to go into those fields 2. Blue Period - manga and upcoming anime about high school students trying to get into Japan's best fine art colleges. Lots of deep shit about what being an artist is about and delves into struggles like impostor syndrome and shit. Had to stop reading the manga because it hit too close to home and gave me nam flashbacks

3. Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun - definitely less on the art side and more of a shoujo between a mangaka and his assistant - super cute

The next few are shows that aren't about art, but have distinct/outstanding art, animation, or cinematography and i highly recommend them for artists to watch:

4. Ping Pong the Animation - probably the most distinctive anime in terms of art style, definitely worth taking a look at!

5. Mob Psycho - highly mainstream but the animation for that anime is insane, especially for fight scenes!

6. Godless - live action western/cowboy limited series on Netflix, probably the show with the best cinematography I've ever seen

BOOKS

This I can probably give more info on! Keep in mind that most of these are geared toward concept art/illustration since that's what I mainly do, but all artists can benefit from having these:

1. Framed Ink and Framed Ink 2 by Marcos Mateu-Mestre - Books on composition, lighting, and storytelling! Must have for people interested in illustration and creating full pieces, and it goes into storyboarding as well!

2. How To Draw by Scott Robertson - THE book on perspective (disgusting, i know, but if you're a character person and you want to level up, perspective is worth learning)! It's definitely more on the advanced side, so I don't recommend it for beginners!

3. Stonehouse's Anatomy by Seok Jung Hyun - I don't personally own this one but I've heard VERY good things about it! I think it's also a pretty advanced level book, but feel free to challenge yourself if you wanna get it!

4. Bammes and Bridgman - Gottfried Bammes and George Bridgman are the people to go to when you're first wanting to get into human anatomy! They focus less on scientific latin muscle names or whatever and more on the gesture of the figure and simplifying body parts into simple shapes that are easy to put in perspective! You can get pdfs of their books for free online or buy them off amazon.

5. Any art book from games that you like - art books are literally a gift from amitabha y'all, they are so insightful into the concepting for games and some of them (coughs the Ghost of Tsushima one coughs) have ALL BANGER art in there and there's NO MISSES

The next ones are again, not necessarily art tutorial books but books with insane art in them:

6. Vagabond/anything by Takehiko Inoue - this man is a fucking god, a legend, his art is so fucking good and delicious and it never misses and he's cracked out of his mind and

SERIES

I don't really know what you mean by "series" so I'll just use this as an opportunity to highlight "series" of videos/channels that are highly helpful for artists:

1. 10 Minutes to Better Painting by Marco Bucci - Marco Bucci's videos are fucking awesome in general, but his 10 Minutes to Better Painting series condenses painting concepts into something concise and easily digestible, and they're incredibly helpful for general painting skills.

2. Proko's Anatomy Series - again, Proko is a great resource for everything art related but he specializes in anatomy and is probably the best resource for people starting out and wanting to jump into anatomy.

3. Draftsmen Podcast - Podcast by Proko and Marshall Vandruff, less direct art tutorials but more talking about artist mindsets (which is just as if no more important than practicing technique)

4. Sinix - not a series, but a channel on youtube! Sinix is great at condensing complicated shit into simple to understand, short videos! He also graduated from my college hehehe

5. Rossdraws - another alum from my school ;) I have many mixed opinions on Rossdraws, but he's pretty good for beginner artists! And his videos are fun to watch so there's that

I might add more onto this as i think of them but these are all I can think of off the top of my head! hope this helps :)

#ask

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fakeloveaskblog · 3 years

Note

Yay lasertag!!! Janus you should totally go visit Remus on the weekend and hang out! Also, maybe invite Remy too, if they wanna come. Then (specially if they don't show) you can plan with them both to maybe go on another hangout with Remus but to somewhere you like and let Remy tag along for the ride if they wanna while u're at it.

(Words: 3153 words)

Janus: "Ah yes! I will let you know that after hanging out with Remus I managed to use my incredible totally very good texting skills to ask the Rems if they wanted to go to an art museum and they both for some reaosn, maybe they are being blackmailed, said yes! I hope it will go g-"

He cut himself off as he saw the two Rems come towards him. He had been waiting outside the museum. (Honestly half the reason he had choosen it was because he knew Remus liked art)

Remus waved at him while grinning. He had on sweatpants, a way too large t-shirt and a necklace made out of animal bones. Remy had their arm swung around him. Even though they had sunglasses on their eyebags were still visible.

“Aight gamers! Are we ready to do an epic art heist!! I got my sunglasses ready!” Remus exclaimed. He didn’t, he was planning on stealing Remy’s sunglasses.

“Partner you’re forgetting that we must first observe the security measures of the museum before we can even start to plan the heist” Janus replied.

“Oh!!! That’s what we’re doing today isn’t it??”

“Correct partner!”

“Babes I dunno why you gotta steal art when I’m standing right here” Remy added while posing.

“Good point. Good point”

Janus had on a yellow bowtie he’d gotten from Logan, a loose purple shirt and black dress pants. People had to look fancy when they went to museums right? Remy had a skirt short enough to fool god and their boyfriend’s hoodie on (it looked oversized on them but with how skinny they were Everything looked oversized on them).

As soon as they got in Remus started to bounce up and down as he looked at the posters showing all the different exhibitions. There was a modern art one, classical and one smaller exhibition for specifically mosaic works.

“So whatcha you wanna look at Snakey?” Remus asked.

Janus was caught of guard “Why are you asking me?”

“Well you chose how we would hang out. C’mon you deserve to choose this too”

He looked over to Remy who shrugged “Uhm okay. Well. The classical paintings would proably give us the most money on the black market so lets look at those”

“Yay!”

Remus quickly took on his noise canceling headphones and a chew necklace before doing thumbs up. He firmly took Janus’ hand in his. He sent him a soft smile which made Jan’s heart spin before dashing of with him into the exhibition.

A few big paintings from the renaissance hung on the wall. Remy came a little later since with the cane they walked pretty slow. Remus eyed the paintings from a distance before squinting at them up close. He flapped the hand he was hoding Janus with around.

"Oh!!! This is so cool!!!! This is from the renaissance but it's not using the chiaro oscuro technique like everyone did 'cause Da Vinci would eat their newborn if they didnt!”

"Is that why it's looking flatter than me?" Remy asked.

“YEah!! Augh I love the renaissance!!! Mostly because they were dissecting bodies so much!! sometimes for the sole purpose of drawing anatomy better!! I wanna do that! Or watch someone do that! Getting to see one of those old classrooms where they dissected corpses would be so awesome!”

“Huh good way to get rid of bodies. Great time for serial killers” Janus commented.

He let out a dreamy sigh “It truly was. They’re doing serial killers dirty nowadays”

They went through some more rooms of renaissance paintings. Janus made sure to hold Remus back a bit so Remy could keep up with them. The duke kept rambling about different shading techniques.

They stepped into another room and the style changed. Remus continued to flap his hand nonetheless. Janus was definitely going to have pain in his wrist tomorrow. It was worth it if he could hold his hand though.

Remy leaned their elbow on top of Janus’ head “This is like the baroque time right?”

“YEah!” Remus’ eyes went huge “Bean you didn’t tell me you were into art history??! Do you know about Ruben too?? I like how he paints butts!”

“What? Nah. I just- I can like see it on the clothes in the paintings. Can’t you?”

“Do I look like a time traveling fashiong guru” Janus replied sarcastically “That is honestly impressive”

Remy sunk in on themself and a hint of red appeared on their cheeks “No. Nah. I’m like a total airhead! Completel idiot! hehe I’m like tots sure everyone knows this stuff. Y’all are just bad at fashion. I uh anyway Rem you were gonna rant?”

“I was?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh....Okay!!” He looked around the room before getting caught on a small painting in the corner. He dashed over to it “HANds!”

The painting depicted 2 bloody hands over a table. They were holding onto each other. the red stuck out against the dark background. It was hard to see if they were supposed to belong to two people who were fighting or in love.

Remus looked down at Janus’ hand while playing with his fingers “I think my favorite body part are hands” He mumbled “I mean they’re horseshit to draw but they can do so much”

Janus looked away from the painting as well. He let his crush do whatever he wanted with his hand as long as he kept holding it. the way he held him so lightly but kept rubbing his thumb up and down his skin made him melt.

“Yeah they can do a lot of fucked up shit” Remy butted in. Jan nearly jumped. He’d completely lost himself in adoring his crush.

“Well hands can also be used to give snakes small berries! And to make coffee!”

“Girl I wasn’t starting an argument. But you sure did won it!”

Remus was staring down into the floor as he said “When I become a cannibal I would wanna try eating human fingers first. I’m sure they would be tasty”

“Why was there a when in there?” Jan asked in a small amount of terror.

“Oh yeah babe totally. I will like actually eat a dick” Remy agreed.

“Why is there a will in there? What kind of time tenses are you people on?? Does english grammar mean nothing to you heathens!?”

Remy got a smug look on their face. They poked their finger right into Janus’ chest “C’mon say what you will eat when you become a cannibal”

“Yeah Snakey” Remus squished his cheeks “Say it! Say it! Say it!”

The two of them kept going on while Janus looked like a sour lemon until he finally caved in.

“Fine. I would either eat the stomach or....the buttocks since they would have the most fat and sustain me the longest”

The Rems looked at each other before bursting out into laughter. “He said butT!” Remus cackled out. The other Rem nodded along and pretended to wipe away a tear from laughter.

“Aight babe let’s put the guy out of his misery”

They motioned for Remus to go ahead. He happily skipped into the next room and grabbed Jan’s hand to take him with him. The snake couldn’t help but notice how Remy stayed behind for a monent.

“Oh cool!! We’re onto impressionism! The first real art style!” He sighed “From impressionism to cartoon furries. How magical the journey of art is”

(Jan who had a scaley phase in high school chose to not reply)

“I love the music as well. Crazy lads. My favorite lad?” Remus snickered “De bussy!!”

“That’s my porn name” Remy instantly replied, coming up behind them. “Hey that paint lady kinda like looks like Terra” They pointed at a painting.

“....Hey YEaH! I guess my art is timeless!”

Janus looked between them “who’s Terra?”

“Well girl” Remy playfully ruffled Remus’ hair “She’s just Rem’s tots cool like cartoon character. She’s like all over his sketchbook. Makes it look kinda straight if you ask me but she does have like a very cool design so I get it!”

“Oh......Yes...Sounds very....cool”

The group kept going around looking at art. While it felt like lead was filling Janus’ chest. He’d never heard about Terra. He’d never seen his sketchbook. Meaning they had spent time with each other without him.

He pierced his nails into his palms to stop the thoughts. He refused to be some jealous person who didn’t allow his friends to hang out without him.....Still he wish he could have seen the drawings as well....seen them smile together...heard their shared laughter....

Oh. Oh what if they thought he was annoying. What if they preferred being without him. What if he’d forced them to come here today. What if-

“Hey snakey wanna look at the modern art as well?” Remus interrupted.

“What?”

Without realizing they’d gone through all of the classic art. Now they were in the last room with not much more than a giant painting the size of one of the walls and a bench.

“That sounds horrid!”

“Yay!”

Remus quickly continued of into the next exhibition. Janus still had the taste of lead filling his throat as he went to follow. Until he realized Remy wasn’t there. He turned around and saw them sitting on the bench in front of the painting. They were leaning their arms on their cane.

“It would probably give us a lot on the black market” Jan said while sitting down beside them.

“Mhm. It’s pretty. I just like wanted to look at it some more” They lied.

“Understandable”

The painting was pretty much a big flower field with a summer sky shining down on it. Janus noticed how Remy forced deep breathes through their gritted teeth. Their brows were furrowed and their hands kept shaking.

“Are you alright?”

“Of course!”

“I have some painkillers with me. Would that help agains the pain you’re totally not in?”

They glanced over to him “Girl what you doing walking around with painkillers?”

He looked at them with the most deadpan expression “Remy I’m overweight. You can not phantom how often I get knee pain" He took out a pill and held it out to them "Here"

"There's really like no need! I can like handle it"

Even more deadpan "You shouldn’t have to ‘handle it’. It's 1 painkiller dear. I'm not exactly becoming a saint because of this"

They hesitantly took it "Thanks"

He did fingerguns "No problemo"

They stayed sitting for a bit so the pill could kick in. Jan shuly glanced over to admire them every now and then. Remy kept looking down into the floor while picking at their skin.

“I’m sorry” They said it in a much quieter voice than their usual high pitched one “I tried to do everything right so I wouldn’t ruin everything. I even went to bed early so I wouldn’t get tired....I...I really looked forward to getting to be with you two”

Janus heart beat faster. He pulled himself together to comfort them “You haven’t ruined a thing”

They hid their face in their hands “I’ve been tired and out of it all day. I keep like slowing you down. Don’t think I haven’t like noticed how much you have to hold Rem back from going faster! I’ve just been making this all much worse than it should have been”

“Well you’re here aren’t you? I for one appreciate you simply being here. You don’t have to do anything to make me appreciate you, don’t even have to talk. I hope you know that”

“....really?”

“Oh no darling I totally expect you to win the nobel prize while in a kind of pain I can’t even imagine being in on a daily basis”

Remy chuckled “Thanks”

“There’s really no need for that. I am at any and all times doing the absolute minimum to be counted as a decent human being”

“Sure snakey-babey” They had a soft smile on their face.

They moved to hug him. Their arms wrapped around his back and they muffled their head right between his man titties. Janus sat still for a few seconds, too flustered to think before moving his arms around them as well. A hand on the back of their head, another on their lower back. Their skin felt so cold against his.

Remy closed their eyes and let themself calm down. They could feel Janus’ breathing against their hair.

“I think my fav like human part is the chest” They mumbled out “‘Cause I can hear the heart beat. It reminds me I’m- we’re still like alive”

“Like a bloody biological seashell”

“Exactly” They pressed themself closer. “I like being with you” It was nothing more than a whisper, like it was a secret “When you’re here I feel a bit less like a rotting corpse”

Janus held onto them harder “Well I-I try my best”

“I know babe”

His heart was beating out of his chest. The people around them must think they were a couple. He closed his eyes and focused on Remy’s touch, on Picani’s words from their last session. He managed to push enough of the shame away and focus on the happy butterflies in his stomach instead.

Remy moved away. The moment broke.

“We should probs go find Rem before he starts like eating the art”

“haha yeah” Janus did thumbs up but kept sitting. He’d gone full idiot.

It wasn’t until he saw Remy straining to stand up even with the cane his brain kicked back in.

“Is there some way I could help?”

They didn’t answer. But they did lean their arm around his shoulder to let him carry some of their weight. They slowly but surely made their way to the modern art exhibition.

Remus was sitting crosslegged in front of a weird statue, he was doodling in his sketchbook but shone up into a smile when he saw them.

“There you are! I was starting to think that either the zombie apocalypse had started or you were making out somehwere”

“Oh yeah babe. Full tounge” Remy joked back. Jan let out an inhumane noise.

He closed his sketchbook “I think we’re done here. You’re looking tired beanie. We can come back some other day”

Remy held back the urge to lie that they were fine. Instead they weakly nodded.

The gang left the museum. Right beside it was an ice cream shop. Remus got 3 scoops of a worryingly weird mix of flavors. Janus got 1 scoop of lemon. Remy didn’t feel like eating.

They sat down on a couple of benches right outside. Remy laid down with their head leaned onto Remus’ thigh. He chewed his ice cream while calmly moving his hand up and down their back.

Soon enough they were deep asleep. Janus quickly laid his jacket over their legs. He didn’t want to accidentally see anything under their skirt without their consent.

Remus stared at him like a blood sucking eagle while smiling “Soooo now when beanie is in dream land.......Do” He stopped to giggle “Janny. Janny. Do. Do you like someooooonnneee??”

Janus just blinked at him for half a minute. This was too much. This whole day was too much. He was a wreck. His crush was asking him THis?! While his other crush was laying in his crush’s lap?!?

“Why- Why- What- Who are you working for?! The fucking FBI??? Are they after me?” He desperately tried to joke it away.

“No. No. But seriously JanJan!” He wiggled his shoulders around in a stimmy way “Do you happen to like anyone with a name that starts on R????”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Janus kept glancing between his two crushes while his blushing could be seen out into space. He wanted to lie but his mouth wouldn’t move.

Remus leaned closer and whispered “You’re into Remy right?”

He nodded. A breathe of relief went through him. At least Remus didn’t know he liked him.

“OH I KNEW IT!” Remus yelled out in excitement while flapping his hands.

“Shh! Shh!” Janus scrambled to cover his mouth as Remy stirred for a moment. “Shhhh!” They cuddled closer to their friend and fell back asleep.

“I knew it!” He giggled “Or I mean Remy knew. They told me they thought you were into them”

“WHAT?!”

Now it was Remus that covered his mouth. He was full on cackling “Yeah! They said it was really obvious! But good for you snakey! I’m sure if you murder their boyfriend you can get them in no time! Or you can become a fab homewrecker!! I can help you buy a nice sexy dress and all!!”

Janus paled in terror “How- In- What- In what way did they say it was obvious?”

“Oh y’know-”

The notif on his phone went off. He checked and his eyes went wide. He carefully moved Remy’s head onto the bench before standing up.

“Sorry snakey! Ro needs super duper emergency help! Gotta go!! See you later! Don’t die!”

Remus left him just like that. Right after dropping THAT bomb on him. Janus sat unmoving. His mouth was slightly agape in shock. His thoughts were runnig around screaming nonstop.

He sat like that for over 20 minutes until Remy let out a yawn and slowly woke up. They took off their sunglasses to rub their eyes. Just seeing their vibrantly green eyes made Janus panic even more.

“Did Rem disintegrate?” Their voice was hoarse from sleepyness. Janus pinched himself to hold back the uhm feelings.

“He- he uh he went he went he sure did went yeah”

“....Cool!”

They stretched their joints, they all cracked. They looked to Janus and moved closer. He couldn’t breathe. They knew. They knew. They knew.

“Girl are you feeling okay?” They pressed their palm to his forehead “You’re like super hot. In both ways! Maybe you should like go home and rest. I gotta get home before my boyf gets home anyway”

“Y-yeah” Was all Janus could get out.

“Cool. OH! By the way! Girl!!! We haven’t like hung out just the two of us right?? We should tots do that! Just like tell me whatever you wanna do and we can do it!”

“Yeah”

“Awesome! Well I’ll see you on that hang out then”

They hugged him for just a few seconds but for those seconds Janus felt like he was in heaven.

They got up and left. Janus slumped over on the bench. His heart was going crazy. They knew. They knew and now they wanted to hang out alone with him. He turned to you. His eyes were wide and panicked.

Janus: “W-what am I supposed to do? I don’t know any good hang out plans! Do you know any??? I’m- this is all- how did they even know I like them! Oh I’m sounding like an overdramatic 13 year old.....This totally isn’t really overwhelming. I would hate getting Logan cuddles right now!”

#thanks for the ask!!#im sorry these keep getting longer #i really do try to cut them down #dukeceit #demus #janus sanders #remus sanders #remy sanders #mini fic #sanders sides #desleep #desleepmus #dukeceitsleep

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shoichee · 3 years

Text

KNB OC

Name: Shirobi Arisu

School: Touou Academy

Zodiac: Pisces

Note: I gave it an attempt to draw her portraits in the Production I.G artstyle! Excuse the lazy anatomy and messy sketch lines, er... hope they don’t distract you too bad? Also EXTREMELY long profile, hence the cut! This is a 300-follower special, but perhaps I’ll do something with Shirobi in the future! (Shirobi is her surname, Arisu is her first name)

Appearances

Personality

she is very much described to be “fox-like” in demeanor, slipping in and out of conversations naturally and with ease, being able to show different aspects and sides of her to different types of people

her default persona in encountering new people is a noble, unassuming/demure one in order to gauge how they interact with her before adjusting accordingly // you can see what that looks like here

a very innate actress, but the most cynical description of her would be “two-faced,” though it’s important to note that her personas are not so drastic that they seem like different people (like Akashi’s situation); perhaps if someone was keenly observing her for a while, they would notice

she does subtle shifts in aspects of her personality’s repertoire because of: 1.) becoming more compatible with people, and thus, having the most efficient conversations without having “annoying, unnecessary” conflicts with them, and 2.) studying people in different social settings is interesting to her

as a result of her jumping around and exploring different sides of her to different people daily, she does wind up suffering from mini identity crises and mental exhaustion very frequently

after a whole dismantle of her *mostly harmless* mind schemes (particularly by a close friend or two later on), her “true self” would be a deflective “tsundere-like” character, since her visceral reaction is for her to always slip into a convenient persona for the situation rather than being initially honest with herself and the people around her, and without the security of a “persona,” she gets flustered and embarrassed very *very* easily

hobbies in her free time include either being alone to sleep and not worrying about how to present herself or reading various works of (non)fiction (of many genres)/psychology to study people and how they tick (bonus: became a recent internet junkie after finding greater convenience in just finding articles and blogs instantly with a simple click)

irony: she finds talking to people inconvenient and tiring but she finds it intriguing to study them in all aspects of behavioral, cultural, and social means (so she kind of has to talk with people)

certified ambivert

if she does approach to someone, it’s almost never for the reasons of “making friends;” if there is no intellectual gain nor tangible benefit from talking, then she won’t bother partaking in it

because of her recent upbringing, while she may not show it, she despises arguments and fights, so when situations escalate, she will attempt to either smoothly divert the subject elsewhere and/or trivialize the matter to a degree; if all else fails, she will simply disengage from the conversation (essentially avoiding confrontation) // note: see “background” section for context

Teiko-era Personality

pleasant and friendly, albeit shy

perfect example of a polite goody two-shoes and teachers’ pet but still respected among her classmates for her genuine cordiality

very reserved individual but at this time was slowly breaking out of her shell to try to befriend her classmates to distract her mind from thinking about her home life

post-divorce/3rd year of Teiko: see “background” section for context

*while still maintaining her amiable grace, she slowly detached herself from her acquaintances and classmates, keeping to herself a lot more while critically studying them increasingly as months went by; she began to talk with others only when it was a necessity

*(occurred during her 1st year of Touou) a few months after she graduated from Teiko, she stopped going to the gym after school to observe the first string’s practices and only went to their games for Kōzō’s sake (especially when he fell ill) // her observant skills quickly picked up, even from their games alone, that the Teiko team’s dynamics have completely changed (which she relates this revelation back to Kōzō in the hospital)

*her current personality will hit full force once she enters high school after graduating from Teiko

“Last Game” Personality

reverted mostly back to her genuine, cordial self, but is still very spontaneous in showing different aspects of her personality in different situations, although most who know her can see right through her now (unless she really wanted to fool them, she probably could)

attempts to be more honest with herself and with others, especially in trying to unpack years of compartmentalization starting from her Teiko years

if she’s caught off guard, she will definitely become a flustered tsundere type of person

a happier person now that she’s made friends to rely on (•̀ᴗ•́)و (e.g. Momoi and Sakurai)

Background/Family

her multifaceted personality stemmed from her home life, where her parents became increasingly volatile and erratic when interacting with each other before they finally divorced her 2nd year of middle school

she constantly observed how her parents would initially act romantic on some days, but on many other days, they’d either tiptoe carefully around each other during conversations or they’d immediately fight

*rather than focusing on the discord of her home, she’d observe how they’d interact with each other in every situation and how despite being the two same individuals, they both act differently with each other every time they meet, thus feeding her intrigue on how individuals act in various social settings and cues

her parents would later on (shortly before divorcing) only meet up for motives of financial discussions, decisions on who she would live with for the week, etc. and they would no longer spend time together out of sentiment and love

*this imprinted into her belief that conversations that bring mutual benefit/reward are much better than other casual interactions, since she sees that they don’t provoke the unnecessary conflict/fights like other interactions do (e.g. seeing her parents fight when they talk about anything else)

Kōzō Shirogane (her great uncle, Teiko’s ex-coach) and Eiji Shirogane (a distant relative, Rakuzan’s current coach) are both from her father’s side of the family, hence she attended Teiko on behalf of Kōzō’s request in exchange for him paying for all of her school’s expenses (he wanted to spend more time with his great niece before he fell completely ill)

she and Kōzō would often be on the upper floor to observe practices together, and she would be immersed in studying how players would interact with each other on and off of courts; he was the one that got her into watching sports games (basketball in particular)

she graduated from Teiko a year before the GoMs did but would frequently visit their practices after school with Kōzō (until he fell ill)

she took after her mother’s surname after the divorce

Kōzō Shirogane fell ill shortly after her parents’ divorce

after graduating from middle school, she lives alone in an apartment under Shirogane’s name

she is not close with her parents but goes to visit each of them separately once in a while when Kōzō makes her go see them

she sees Kōzō as more of the father figure and cares deeply for him, and as for Eiji, she respects and admires him, but she isn’t close with him

ever since Kōzō fell ill, she would visit him in the hospital biweekly and update him on highlights from critical games from middle school and later on, inter-high and winter cup

Headcanons

she is the opposite of Kuroko in which she has a huge presence; it could be because of her hair color, hair pins, the many ways she carries herself throughout the day, or all of the above

why does she wear tons of hairpins? we don’t know, but she thinks they look nice and keeps the unruly hair out (for convenience)

sports games are fun for her to watch up close IRL because she can detect/study the mental games and simulations sparking across different players without having to talk to other people at all // televised games are useless because they cut a lot footage and cameras jump around too much for her to discern anything cohesive on the players

(if she ever got to speak with them) the most interesting people for her to converse with and study would be Midorima (because of his oha asa’s obsessions), Imayoshi, Hanamiya, Akashi, Teppei, Mitobe (she can actually understand him), and Momoi (when she doesn’t fawn over Kuroko)

no one knows what to genuinely get her for her birthday, let alone knowing her actual birthday; the closest thing they know is her zodiac sign

*throughout her deduced “birthday month,” different people will approach her with different gifts with what they thought she was interested in (because of her different personas she exhibited with each person): porn mags, antiques, shopping coupons, snacks, comic gags, etc.

*she keeps her birthday on the down low to prevent any chances of people being suspicious of her character when they try to throw a party for her and realizing she has these drastic “hobbies” and “interests” with each person // plus she doesn’t see a point of having a party because she knows how these familiar acquaintances would act in this particular situation

*she’s a fan of attending other people’s parties to observe them without being in the spotlight for once

she could be considered as part of the “uncrowned” generation considering her cognitive/mental skills and deduction (and she’s the same year as them)

*she and riko could be rivals as 2nd years in that sense, along with Momoi when she becomes a 1st year

Role/Skill

if she ever joined a sports club, her critical role would be monitoring and improving cognitive (mental) acuity especially in the following brain functions of: information processing, memory storage, attention, and situational judgement (and how they all respond and handle high pressure), since she’s so keen on studying people and how they act in different situations

she would also study opponents’ levels of acuity especially during huge pressure and high stakes

she will note environmental factors as well as lifestyles on every player; home players would get the according lists of tasks to work on to improve their acuity (which may include diet changes, mental exercises, adjusted sleep schedules, etc.) on their own and get tested on set dates

*will also initially ask home players to do a quick self-survey on possible genetic factors that would affect cognitive performance as well as any prescription/drug history

during club hours, she shows a very professional, polite side that purposefully distances herself from the rest of the team, and she is initially solely there to do her job and get compensations from the coach (until eventually she stays because she actually cares for the team)

Interactions

Kuroko: (Teiko + present)

polite with each other, although both will joke with each other in such a way that others can’t really tell if a joke just passed between them or if they’re being serious

she shifts her personality to be slightly more deadpan and delivers more dry humor when she’s around Kuroko

bonus: she addresses him with the nickname “Kurokuro” with the deadpan delivery, and others don’t know whether to laugh or be concerned

she doesn’t jump from his sudden appearances; while she doesn’t detect where he pops up most of the time, when he does, she just shrugs it off casually or does the dry “ahh i’m scared” or “wahhh you scared me” with surrendering hand motions whenever people around her get a genuine jumpscare from him

Kise: (Teiko + present)

with him she becomes more expressive and mildly snickers at their jokes together

the moment his fans come though, she’ll ditch him no questions asked; their constant interrogations and verbal grillings + fangirling are inconvenient to deal with // she’ll observe their behaviors from afar and take note on fan culture though, so she wouldn’t ditch him per say

she finds the fact that Kise can switch between a serious, determined persona and a flamboyant, energetic one so quickly really intriguing to witness every single time

Kise turns to her for mundane advice because “she’s just smart,” but she finds it really annoying and often gives him vague (but still valid) answers to shoo him away

Midorima: (Teiko + present)

she talks to him the most, mostly because his oha asa obsessions and meticulous rituals and schedules are ridiculously fascinating

she takes on a more serious persona (which is easy since she’s a pretty serious-like person to begin with) and subtly challenges Midorima, poking and prodding with very well-veiled questions to uncover the bottom of his obsessions

she does study up a bit of astrology and arcana books because of Midorima // one day he caught her with an astrology book on hand, and he immediately assumed she was into horoscopes as well, to which she did not deny a thing and let him convinced himself that she was (she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do)

after that ordeal, he gave her lucky items for her sign sometimes back in the Teiko days

just two smart brains having casual conversations about school

in the present day, if Takao was there, her persona switches to the one similar to what she’d use with Kise, and both would make snide remarks about Midorima

Midorima is slightly confused in seeing a subtly different side to her but he figured it was just Takao’s antics

Aomine: (Teiko + present)

when it was the days of “Puremine,” she was a supportive character, being slightly more blunt and more outspoken

she was extremely observant of his talent, and she was one of the first people to notice that he was going to bloom in talent before anyone else while also knowing its consequences // she subtly dropped hints for Aomine to slow down his pace in practicing, playing, etc. and to take a step back from basketball, but the blue-haired boy was an idiot so he didn’t pick them up one bit ((AKASHI DID THOUGH, UH))

with current Aomine, she’s presenting a more indifferent persona while further pushing a blunter side of herself when interacting with Aomine

like Imayoshi, she’s picked up on his dilemma and inner turmoil very quickly, but she wasn’t like Momoi who was actively trying to help him // she wasn’t enthusiastic in exerting effort when she knew that what he really needed to have his conflicts resolved was a definitive showdown on the courts

she doesn’t understand the appeal of porn mags at all, but feigns interest in them especially around Aomine (when they attend Touou Academy) to figure out why are people at her age so enthralled by them; Aomine definitely thinks she’s into them and gets her mags of half naked people for her and he’s extremely smug about it (“because we’re bros together” // “you’re welcome,” as he slaps her back way too hard)

she doesn’t really hang out with Aomine in Touou, maybe sometimes after school when she finds him up in the rooftop skipping practice when she’s in the mood to study how he ticks and annoy him for certain reactions to either prove/debunk her predictions

Momoi (Teiko + present)

she takes on a “girlier” and “cutesy” personality to be more compatible with Momoi to get along with her common interests

doesn’t really hang out with Momoi during the Teiko days unless Momoi approached her first with either data analyses, questions, or pleas to come with her to either: go shopping, drag Aomine, follow around Kuroko, etc.

Momoi addresses to her as “senpai” or “chan”

(during Teiko and present) asks her questions about her “love life” with Kuroko in a way that makes Momoi think she’s someone who believes in romance and lovey dovey things (she’s quite neutral about it IRL)

when Momoi finds out they both ended up at Touou, Momoi pounces on her every chance they get and drags her around because “we’re best friends!” // she goes along with it just to see how things turn out

she ends up being Momoi’s listening ear as she rants about Aomine’s awful habits or her worries about the team

Momoi begs and pleads her to join the team and assist them in some way; she outright refused, but Momoi is also intelligent in which she comes up with new offers everyday to try to convince her

she finally agrees when Momoi asked the coach to pay her a weekly salary (poor guy, but then again he’s rich) for her work and take Momoi’s word that the addition of her would be nothing but beneficial for the team’s success

because they're both on the same team together, they both spend even more time together to do analyses on both their own team members and other schools’ players

attends Touou’s games and only watches from first row seats in the audience in order to conduct naturalistic observations on both teams; she will never be on the benches unless it’s the semi-finals onwards

Murasakibara: (Teiko + present)

there isn’t much to study on this guy; he’s as straightforward as a single-file line

she either acts more of a casual childlike persona (by calling him “Muramura” or “Sakisaki-san”) or exhibits more of a stern, serious side (e.g. the persona used with Midorima) depending on the situation/context

she definitely bribes him with snacks and food to do convenient favors (in addition to using childish nicknames), or she throws the snacks far, gives them to someone else, eats them in front of him, etc. to elicit reactions from the man-child

she knows it’s better for her own good to NOT purposely provoke the scary side of Murasakibara, but when that side does come out for other reasons, it’s showtime for her; she’s going to be observing him with hidden glee

she doesn’t talk with him after graduating from Teiko; the next time she’ll see him is during the winter cup, particularly with yosen vs. seirin // it’s another movie marathon for her just watching every players and how they interact with each other (a LITERAL showdown between Teppei and Murasakibara.... Kagami and Himuro.... Himuro and Murasakibara—yeah it’s a field day)

Akashi: (Teiko + present)

she and ore-Akashi get along swell; she is at her surface self the most when conversing with him, not having a need to adjust herself that much from her initial “polite” persona

lots of theoretical talks and hypotheses in studying people and the world; they both respect each other very much

boku-Akashi is a different story; she starts avoiding him tactfully after his other side awakens

the saying “it takes one to know one” is especially true in this case: Akashi is very much aware of her two-facedness, and she is uncomfortable at the fact of him knowing such an innermost secret about herself

at the same time, she knows about where his “other side” “disappeared” to, whereas no one else hadn’t had a clue

both know about each other’s gimmicks and personalities, and throughout the rest of their years at Teiko, it’s a bunch of mind games and careful maneuverings around each other

Akashi finds it thrilling because it’s reminiscent of shogi

she finds this stressful because what the hell please leave me alone i’m trying to avoid you

after she got over her initial anxiety of this newfound revelation of new Akashi, she carefully treads this game and takes the advantage to study how this new side of Akashi ticks

he DEFINITELY caught what she was trying to do with Aomine in dropping hints; in response, he used his role as captain to push Aomine to try harder in games

she DEFINITELY caught what he was trying to do in pushing Aomine in “motivating” him; problem was, she wasn’t going to sacrifice her effort, wellbeing, and life to go against Akashi

after graduating from Teiko, when she still used to observe their practices and games, she was still very much uneasy and tried to downplay her presence to avoid Akashi’s scrutiny (sadly, her presence is too significant) // she really wished she was a Kuroko

she was able to breathe easier once she finds out later that they’re both going to different high schools; she continues to watch more of Rakuzan’s games after finding out that’s where Akashi ended up attending to figure his dynamics with his team + basketball and then predict his current mannerisms off the courts

when ore-Akashi comes back, she’s suspicious at first, but after confirming his character in person, she’s relieved that the “old him” was back (but slightly disappointed that his other self is gone // she kind of found that side of him more interesting to observe)

he still knows how many personas she has under her disposal, but he isn’t going to snitch any time soon

GoMs together: (Teiko + present)

to not give away the fact that she shows different sides to everyone, when everyone gathers/is nearby, she (at least attempts to) becomes a wallflower to observe everyone and act appropriately in the situation if she’s ever addressed to in the group; her name will always come up in some shape or form so she’s prepared to present a neutral persona without throwing people off

since the GoMs all attend different schools, it’s easier for her to socially maneuver around, however she is still cautious when near crowds (before/after games) and groups of people (such as Touou’s team) because they tend to call her over (but she’ll smoothly pretend she didn’t hear/was preoccupied and she’ll slip away)

Haizaki: (Teiko + present)

dear god, she hoped not to ever directly interact with him

he was a morbidly interesting person to observe, from far away // she’s trying to comprehend how this one middle schooler is already so immoral and violent

he’s definitely tried to hit on her, but she smoothly slipped away before he did anything else

it was a never-ending game of weasel and snake; he fancied her because she was someone who was mysterious and “hard to get,” but she’s always slipping away because he was extremely annoying to converse with and she definitely doesn’t want to end up in a fist fight with this guy

this constant chasing was significantly quashed after Akashi ordered him to quit the team (who’s to say that Akashi hadn’t also noticed that Haizaki was trying to harass her? respect women juice)

Haizaki noticed her outside the stadium before his match with kaijo a year later; she was outside ready to enter in before he blocked her way, but after a lot of sugar coating and sidestepping to try to diffuse the situation (she fooled him by feigning interest in him using a slightly more flirtatious, sly persona), she escaped from his grasp once again // it agitated him and that’s why he continued to prowl around outside before he chanced upon Alex and Himuro

Imayoshi: (present)

this guy is an Akashi; he picked up on her multifaceted personality frighteningly fast

except that instead of being wary and observant of her like Akashi would, this guy openly makes passive-aggressive remarks referring to her personality; no one except her would understand his real intentions behind those comments (they inwardly scare and piss her off)

he also had the upperclassman advantages to openly talk to her very casually and harp on her (on the other hand, Akashi was a year younger than her), so he very much does every thing to get under her skin and rile her up

she employs a more sarcastic persona to match up with Imayoshi, but that just makes him more determine to break her facades; in the end, to keep her cool, she just settled for a default polite persona while still shooting occasional flippant responses at him

TLDR; this guy has the same hobby as she does in getting reactions out of people to study them, except Imayoshi is an actual psychic in deciphering people out; perhaps he’s even better at these things than her

Momoi unintentionally helps her out by always telling Imayoshi to “stop bothering her so much,” and all he does is a mock-surrender, replying cheerfully that it was all in good fun

he definitely makes her job harder by trying to be a smartass when she gives him instructions and lists in how to improve his mental acuity; she quickly shuts his attempts down, and he always calls her an “absolute killjoy”

while she knows it’s beneficial to observe an individual who has a similar hobby like herself to see and compare the similarities/differences, Imayoshi makes it really difficult because his keen senses plus her huge presence makes him able to pick her out most of the time

*she’s only able to safely observe him when he’s on the courts

*other times, she dutifully avoids him unless when she’s doing her job

are they friends? it’s hard to say; they act like they’re familiar with each other but it’s a love-hate relationship // she respects his intuition but she frowns on his personality (it’s the fact that he acts like he knows everything and she knows he also puts up a few “nice guy” facades of his own)

he’s probably the first guy to actually break through her personas completely and get her to snap and yell at him unabashedly one evening when they were walking to a nearby convenience store because he was tagging along (Momoi was with Aomine at the time)

*at that moment, she probably also gave Imayoshi a shock for his life for the first time outside of the games

*she coughed and went back to her polite persona like nothing happened and that just made him so much more amused

they’re frenemies and rivals, trying to outdo the other in poking each other mentally and out-acting the other

Sakurai: (present)

first impressions of this kid: she pities him a lot

sometimes, she says various things to see if he‘ll apologize just to see which trigger words get him in a sweat to say “sorry”

she’ll either be a *gentler* polite person or take on a more stern/serious side (used with Midorima and sometimes Murasakibara); the latter would be used to try to toughen the poor guy up mentally

increasing Sakurai’s cognitive acuity would be the most difficult considering the fact that (combined with Momoi’s data) there’s a direct relationship between his physical and mental stamina; if he’s extremely exhausted, his mental sharpness declines dramatically along with it

he’s not considered the sharpest tool in the shed, and his naiveté tends to show when he asks innocent questions about her and her life, and one day, this guy accidentally hit the nail on the head when he asked about her family out of curiosity, which was her touchiest subject

*she did have a moment of shock and took some time to recollect herself and deflect the subject elsewhere, but Sakurai picked her hesitance up as a sign of offense and spewed a plethora of apologies (to which she had to calm the boy down)

*from that point on, although still curious, he became a lot more observant and cautious of how she acts around other people (at first he was watching so he can learn how to not offend her and overstep his boundaries)

as time progresses (especially after their loss at the winter cup), and the more Sakurai just asks her about many things, she does loosen up around him; he does eventually bring up the topic of family (not necessarily hers, but his own) to try to encourage her to talk about her own

Sakurai would be the type of person to be uncharacteristically determined and blunt in particular situations with people whom he considers his friends: here, he would confront her and asked if she was alright and if things were going okay at home

*out of curiosity in where he got that confidence boost and respect for him being mentally stronger, she does open up slowly one topic/talk at a time spread out for the next few weeks

both of their different curiosities for each other would lead to them being close friends ´･ᴗ･` (she makes him a more self-assured person and he gives her time to be her true self [or at least develop one], and other than annoying her with his occasional sorry’s, he doesn’t overwhelm her with his presence)

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genderhoax · 3 years

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I used to want to be an artist but then i stopped drawing for like 7 years. I want to go back but i'm scared and dont know where to start. So yes, i am interested in those drawing videos can you post them if you dont mind? ^_^

Of course!! I am in the same situation as you actually. I used to draw a lot in middle school (2010-2012) but my depression worsened during high school and in college, I’d only draw as a distraction, never seeking to study or improve. I decided to get back this year, since I decided drawing was the only thing I could see myself doing professionally. I felt very lost, because how do you get back? How do you know what’s your actual, current, art skill? What are your weaknesses? Your strong points?

That’s how I learned to study the fundmentals of art. Because visual art is not a skill. It is a set of skills, if you are very good at anatomy but not really when coming to painting your art is going to look differently than someone who learned anatomy in how to draw manga books but paint like a pro. I am going to divide this post in categories, Also, all the videos I link I also recommend all the channels they are from! My favorites are The Drawing Database, Sycra and Ganev, Sycra and The Drawing Databse have a little of everything and are great at explaining. Ganev is a bit sarcastic but I like the way he teaches. I took some parts of the text of this post from here.

How do I begin? How do you even get back at art? What tips should you use? These are general tips videos, usually nice to draw along. /the fundmentals and how to get started/ /5 tips for better drawing/ /perfect pratice/ /beginner’s guide/ /5 tips for digital art/ /10 tips to improve/ /why your drawings are stiff/ /what level is your art/ /improve your art fast/ /drawing basics/ /how to hold and control your pencil/ /intuitive drawing method/ /iterative drawing/

The Fundamentals: Proportion & Placement Proportion is relationship between one element and another. In the visual arts proportion relates most importantly to the abstract quality of scale and placement. You know how stereotypically an artists puts a pencil to their eye when looking at an object? They’re mesuring the proportion of the object in question and how to represent it corectly in the drawing. /principles of proportion/ /ways to create illusion of space/ /drawing the human figure/ /how to draw proportions playlist/ /how to use proportion in character design/ /basic anatomy and proportions part one/ /part two/ /part three/ /part four/ /proportion basics/

Form & Construction The idea of form is how we see the 3D objects in or world and transform them into 2D in the paper/canvas. It’s understading that eveyrthing is made up of basic forms. /dynamic sketching part one/ /part two/ /how to draw forms/ /structure/ /building form/ /another how to draw forms/ /how to visualize 3D forms/ /form study process/

Perspective & Depth Perspective is knowing that as things move away from the viewer’s eye, things seem to get smaller. Get familiarized with terms like horizon line and vanishing point. This is the basic that must be understood to learn perspective. Here’s a good article about this. /an intro video on the subject/ /step by step tutorial/ /perspective basics part one/ /part two/ /part three/ /part four/ part five /part six/ /another basics video/ /20 perspective lessons/ /eye level tip/ /linear perspective/ /simple form perspective/ /drawing the figure in perspective/

Anatomy Anatomy is something I think it’s one the most crucials things to learn in order to make your drawing look good. Once you understand how joints work you’ll be able to see how bones and muscles move. And this goes for anything with a skeleton. It’s one of those things of you learn the rules before breaking them. I am linking different playlists, since linking different videos on various parts of anatomy would take forever. Just study a body part at time: head, eyes, nose, lips, ears, shoulders, neck, hairline, breats, torso, hands, feet etc. /how to do an anatomy tracing/ /playlist 1 / /draw the head from any angle/ /anatomy for artists/ /draw facial features/ /how to draw and paint/ /playlist 2/ /draw 3/4 head with loomis method/ /playlist 3/ /drawing a head in 3 hours (this one is great to draw along with the artist)/ /how to draw a body/ draw a head with loomis method part 1/ /part 2/ /part 3/ /decipgering bridgman’s anatomy/ /anatomy quick tips/

Gesture Gesture drawing is a method of capturing figures in exaggerated poses, usually drawn quickly. It is important to undersand that the goal of all gesture is to study the figure and see how it moves. I like looking at poses and copying them. Here’s a good article. /how to draw gesture/ /how to draw any pose/ /draw interesting poses/ /a guide on gesture drawing/ /tips for expressive dynamic poses/ /figure drawing tips/

Composition The overall layout of a piece is very important. Artists often consider things like the rule of thirds or the infamous golden ratio. Neither truly defines a composition, but they can both go into your decision making. /composition in art/ /understanding composition/ /10 composition tips/ /beginner’s guide to composition/ /art fundamental: composition/

Value Studying value is very much the study of light and shadow. But there is a technical side of light that you’ll want to pay attention to if you’re going for technical rendering. /guide on rendering/ /seeing light and shadows in daily life/ /10 minutes to a better painting/ /understaing colors and values/ /shading basics/ /ambient occlusion/ /shadow colors/ /tips on how to shade/ /draw shadows on objects and people/ /lighting tutorial/

Color Theory Color theory is understanding which colors go good with eachother, and knowing the pyschology behind it. (what are cool colors? what colors make someone feel comfortable?) It is fundamental in art for you to understand the relationship between colors and what makes them look good. Best color theory books. A comprehensive guide to color theory. /hue value saturation in photoshop/ /color theory for noobs/ /understanding color/ /what you should know about colors/ /warm and cool colors/ /the basic elements/ /choose colors that work/

Traditional Media If you draw in traditional media, all videos above can be used easily. These are just videos for general tips in traditional media, there isn’t many since my focus is digtal ^^’ /watercolor tips/ /draw with colored pencils/ /blending colored pencils/ /4 how to draw lessons/ /Block in colors/ /holding the brush/ /

Digital Media Digital art is how everyone’s been doing art these days. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing with your phone or your computer. I don’t do art on my phone, I know the most used app is mediabang for android and procreate for apple, and I think anyone who is able to do art with their finger is very skilled. If you are like me and prefer doing art on your computer, you probably have your tablet. If not, well you should have. Not having a tablet is not an option if you want to get better at art ^^’ Best tablet for beginners in 2020. Or you can just buy an old used one, if it still works, and you are a beginner, a small intuos is all you need. When talking about softwares, the three big ones I see people using are: Photoshop, Clip Paint Studio and Paint Tool Sai. The best one is CPS, but I find Sai easier to navigate, but CPS is extremely complete and I hope to be able to master it someday. CPS Tutorials. I don’t have much to say about photoshop, people use it mostly because they’ve been using it forever lol I divide my digital painting process in steps: Sketch/Lineart/Color Blocking/Shading/Blending/Color correction. Sketch is the basics, draw your idea. Lineart is to clean your sketch. Color Blocking is to color your drawing one color, so it’s easier to work in it. Shading is to understand where the lighting sources are coming from and apply them. Blending is to blend the colors of your drawing with brushes. Color correction is when I use filters of hue/saturation and others to make the drawing more appealing. These require understadings of the software of your choice which I am not very good at the moment so I can’t give you more tips than that ^^’ Hopefully these videos can help. /perspective grid/ /clean line art/ /coloring process/ /make lineart interesting/ /best brushes for digital painting/ /skin shading tutorial/ /lineart vs painting/ /art in clip studio paint/ /hair tutorial/ /3 tips for improving/ /10 digital art mistakes/ /color block tutorial/ /shading skin/ /from lineart to painting/ /cleaner lineart/ /add texture to your art/ /improve your art with better shadows/ /the importance of brushes/ /use layer modes/ /improve your lines/ /how to blend colors/ /another blending tutorial/ /color blocking/

Exercises It’s no secret that to improve on art, you must pratice. Everyday, even if it’s just a little! A great way to pratice is make use of youtube picture in picture function to draw along in your software of choice. /pratice drawing forms/ /proportion exercises/ /perspective exercises/ /value studies/ /creative drawing exercises/ /simple drawing esercises/

Resources Senshi stocks, a deviantart page full of poses photos. Quick poses, pictures of models, contains nudes. Character design references DesignDoll, create a personalized sketch doll and make it pose.

Phew!!! This took forever to make and is way more than you asked for, but I decided to go all in so I can have a masterpost for me too and for anyone else interested in art. As soon you can understand the fundamentals, you can do your own research and study, youtube is really great for this. I hope this helps, let’s get better at drawing together!!! Ganbarimashou (ง •̀_•́)ง

#anon #askbox #I feel there's a lot more to add but I'm tired I've been working on this sicne yesterday ^^'#Like there's more softwares and resources I could link you I know of that #So when I think of something else I may add to this psot #post #if you feel overwhelmed because this is a lot of info you can start with the beginner section of this psot #and sycra's channel

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jamespotterthefirst · 4 years

Text

She Walks In Beauty (Ethan x MC)

Regency Era AU

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Miss Lilac Allende) Word count: 3,000 Warning: None, this is just long. Sorry. Premise: At a ball, Doctor Ethan Ramsey is entranced by her beauty, not knowing there is so much more to her than meets the eye.

____

“Her father might be wealthy, but we are all in agreement that she is not nearly as beautiful as Miss Cecilia Haddington,” a high pitched voice was saying, so loudly that it grated on his ears.

Ethan disagreed with the ridiculous statement.

He glared in the direction of the speaker, a proud-looking woman with feathers in her hair that made her look like some kind of over-sized bird. The simpering women around her looked just as ridiculous, beady eyes observing the dancing couples as they listened.

“And Spaniards,” the woman added, her voice lowering at the last word. “What a shame. Her skin is not quite as fair and her nose not as graceful. It's no wonder she is fast approaching spinsterhood.”

Ethan's fingers clasped around his drink with excessive force. Jaw tight, he considered the scandal of throwing the group out of his estate. If he was being forced to throw this inane ball in the first place, then he could at least have a right to throw out the vermin.

Applause rang around the grand ballroom as the Minuet came to an end, interrupting his furious thoughts.

Even more distracting, his gaze met a pair of bright eyes from across the room. Ethan had lost count of how many times their eyes found each other that evening, her beautiful mouth turning into the briefest of smiles before she looked away. In a gown colored the deepest wine, her dark hair and graceful neck adorned with gold, she was a vision of loveliness unlike anything he had ever seen before.

He forced his gaze away, aware that many eyes around the ballroom were on him. The last thing he wanted was to willingly give them more to gossip about.

“Lovely creature, isn’t she?” an older gentleman said at his side. Perhaps Ethan was not as swift or discreet in looking away.

Ethan said nothing, the response so characteristic that his companion did not wait for anything else. Instead, the older man watched her through the rim of his glass, watery eyes alight with an expression Ethan did not quite like.

“It's a marvel that a beautiful, young woman such as that remains unmarried,” the older man continued unprompted.

A swig of his drink was all the reply he was going to get from Ethan. Any of the pompous guests who laid eyes on him would assume he was disinterested, which is how he preferred it.

He was interested, however. Ever since their brief introduction earlier that evening, Ethan found he could not keep his eyes away from her. To his utter dismay and surprise, he sought out the beautiful young woman he had seen a handful of times before at other social gatherings. Except, he had never stood so close to fully appreciate the graceful slope of her nose, the beautiful shape of her lush mouth, or the alluring glint of her clever eyes.

Those clever eyes had assessed him so thoroughly at their introduction that Ethan became obsessed with knowing her every thought. Now, he stole glances at her, hoping to do just that, the urgency of it something he would never admit out loud.

“Or perhaps not so much a marvel,” the older man said with a chuckle. “Beautiful as she might be, she fancies herself much cleverer than any sensible woman should. No eligible man in his right mind would take a wife like that, impressive dowry notwithstanding.”

The man laughed and perhaps expected Ethan to join in. Again, he wondered how scandalous it would be to punch a guest.

“She appears cleverer than everyone here combined,” Ethan retorted instead, not bothering to look at him. “I have only spoken briefly with the young woman and her words had more merit than the vapid conversation others insist on having with me.”

The man's laughter turned into a hasty cough. His attention snapped up to assess Ethan's expression.

“Yes, well,” he started nervously when he could not discern the full meaning of Ethan's words.

Before he could, Ethan briskly said, “Excuse me,” and took his leave. He determinedly walked away, making his way through the many elegantly dressed guests— guests decorum mandated he should be entertaining with conversation.

Ethan could not consider this any further, because just then he caught a glimpse of scarlet and gold by the exit of the ballroom. This time, she wasn't looking at him, instead glancing around nervously to ensure no one was watching her, before she made her escape. Without much thought, Ethan followed her.

To his complete surprise, she wandered the hallways of his estate, curiously peering into rooms until she found his study. Satisfied, she disappeared behind the door.

Ethan allowed a few minutes before he followed, quietly opening the heavy oak door. She stood by his desk, on the tips of her feet as she pursued his bookshelves. Attention rapt as it was on the titles, she did not notice him enter.

“Ah,” she muttered quietly, hastily pulling out a volume he did not recognize from the distance. With shaky fingers, she opened it and began to read by the candlelight. In one hurried motion, she produced a small book and stubby pencil from her reticule.

She had just started to scribble swift notes when Ethan’s curiosity won out.

He cleared his throat loudly to make his presence known.

Ms. Allende let out a startled cry at the sound, dropping his book and sending it skittering across his desk until it landed at his feet.

“I–” she started as she whirled around, all words dying at her throat when her eyes fell on him. In a panicked whisper, she said, “Doctor Ramsey.”

In her shock, she seemed to have forgotten to curtsy because she did after a brief delay.

“Miss Allende,” he returned with a bow.

The gestures seemed overly ridiculous in their current predicament.

In the loaded silence that followed, she regarded him with wide, terrified eyes that were almost comical to him. He schooled all amusement from his expression as he watched the color blooming on her cheeks and neck, almost matching the color of her gown.

Finally, he said, “Did no one tell you it is unspeakably rude to leave a ballroom in favor of meddling through the host's study?”

Her lovely face looked mortified. “I wasn't meddling,” she began to explain.

Ethan arched an incredulous brow at her.

Their eyes fell simultaneously to the book she had dropped, now resting at his feet. Ethan bent down to collect it, ignoring the slight intake of breath from Miss Allende.

“The Anatomy of Humane Bodies by William Cowper,” he read out loud, examining his book with renewed interest. He glanced between the old tome and the young woman, who guiltily stared at the carpet as if willing it to swallow her whole.

When she said nothing, he sarcastically added, “So you decided to trade dancing for a bit of light reading?”

No response.

“Were your suitors really that dull that you prefer an ancient medical text to their company?”

Her eyes flew to his then, the embarrassment slowly dissipating into something else. Her spine straightened slightly and she opened her mouth to offer a response. However, she must have remembered she had just been caught in his study, rifling through his library because she closed her mouth at once.

“Why are you in my study unchaperoned, Miss Allende?”

Belatedly, he realized the implications of the word unchaperoned. Ms. Allende must have caught it too because her face grew impossibly brighter.

“I was studying, sir.”

“That much was apparent,” he returned at once. “What was not as obvious was studying what precisely?”

A small pause before she said, “I intended to study your medical books.”

“Why?”

She considered the question. “Because medical books are exceedingly difficult to find, particularly good ones,” she explained in a rush, still sounding quite breathless. “Given that you are the only physician nearby, I concluded your library would be the most appropriate place to find something useful.”

“And why are you this determined to acquire medical texts?”

There was a long pause, one so vast that he started to doubt if she would answer.

At least, her pretty mouth set in a determined line, she seemed to decide something.

“Because I want to be a physician.”

------------------

The words echoed heavily between them, almost deafening in the silence. For a brief, panicked moment, Lilac wished she could take them back, cursing her recklessness.

Why had she felt so compelled to tell him?

No one knew about her ambitions, except her chaperone, Mrs. Martinez. And this was for good reason. Lilac was already a social outcast on many fronts. One was her status as a foreigner in a society obsessed with birth and status. Forget that she had been in England since childhood, learning and enduring its rigid societal expectations. The only reason her family received one half of the respect they deserved was the wealth her father's hard work had earned them.

Lilac was also the subject of much gossip for making her disinterest in marriage abundantly clear. Never with words but with her skillful avoidance of courtships. This endeavor proved far more challenging as the years went by since suitors were increasing instead of decreasing in numbers. Add to all this a desire to practice medicine and her father's reputation would be ruined almost as badly as if she was found in a man's bed.

The thought prompted her to look at the impossibly handsome man currently in front of her.

Those striking blue eyes assessed her quietly, his face betraying nothing of what he was thinking.

“It is unorthodox, I understand,” she started with dignity when she could bear the silence no longer.

“It is unorthodox, Miss Allende,” he agreed.

The words, expected as they were, stung.

“And, to be honest,” he continued, “I am not convinced you will ever be a proper physician.”

Lilac blinked, a wave of shock paralyzing her where she stood. It wasn't long, however, before surprise was replaced by an unbridled, righteous anger.

Her hands balled into fists at her sides, palms itching to connect with his beautifully structured face. She had the imperious, mahogany desk separating then to thank for stopping her. The scandal that would provoke would be insurmountable and impossible to recover from.

“That is quite a shocking assumption considering you only made my acquaintance today,” she said scathingly.

Doctor Ethan Ramsey looked slightly taken aback by the sudden vehemence in her voice. His piercing eyes studied her wordlessly as she glared up at him, chin pointed with stubborn dignity.

“What prompts you to believe I would not be an efficient doctor?” she challenged angrily. “Is it the fact that I am a woman?”

Something flickered in his gaze.

“Miss Allende,” he began but Lilac gave him no room to continue.

“Because I am far more learned and capable than most of the guests currently in your ballroom,” she continued, incensed, her ears crackling with the sound of her wild pulse.

“Of that, I have no doubt.”

She only half heard his words, determined as she was to spill the anger and terror his proclamation inspired in her. “Or is it because I am not fully English?”

It must have been a laughable sight. He was entirely too tall and broad shouldered for her to seem like a real threat. If she was lucky, the top of her head would only begin to reach his impeccably tied cravat.

To her utter shock, however, he laughed. A quiet, restrained laugh but a laugh nonetheless.

“I'm not fully English either,” he explained quietly. “And neither is my mentor, who is quite possibly the most talented doctor in the country.”

Once he mentioned it, she could pick up the almost melodic inflection of a dialect in his words, so imperceptible she would have not realized it was there. It was one she recognized from fellow merchants her father traded with, originating from Scotland.

“None of the reasons you so passionately listed matter in being a good physician, Ms. Allende,” he continued, taking advantage of her pause. “And as you correctly pointed out, I have only just made your acquaintance today.”

She only stared at him, still recovering from the shock of his laughter.

He raised The Anatomy of Humane Bodies to her eye level. “However, hastily taking notes from Cowper's book is not going to take you very far in medicine,” he continued casually. “That is what I meant when I stated my doubt.”

Her face flared with embarrassment again. “In my haste, I chose the first book I could find on the shelf. My true hope was finding something by Edward Jenner.”

Dr. Ramsey froze. His dark brows rose briefly in surprise before he cut her an almost impressed look.

“You have an interest in Jenner's work?”

She nodded earnestly.

“What aspect?”

“The works I have read by other physicians strongly suggest Jenner has traced heart problems to arterial narrowing,” she explained. “I wanted to confirm if those suspicions were indeed correct.”

“They are,” he returned at once. Without waiting for a response, he moved around the mahogany desk separating them. He was so close to her that she was convinced her reputation would be ruined beyond repair if someone was to walk in.

Lilac swallowed, attempting to regain control of her breathing, heart beating so furiously against her rib cage, it was a miracle he could not hear it. The nearness of his body, the smell of his cologne, the sight of his sharp jaw– all of it could have scorched her on the spot.

Dr. Ramsey, however, narrowed his eyes in concentration, scanning the shelves behind her. He found what he was looking for, pulled the book from the shelf, and placed it gently on her gloved hands.

Slightly dazed, she glanced down at the title.

An Inquiry Into the Causes and Effects of the Variolae Vaccinae by Edward Jenner.

Lilac continued to glance at the leather-bound volume, somehow feeling heavier than was possible. At last, the information she longed to know for so long was right there, in her very hands.

Throat oddly tight, she glanced up at Dr. Ramsey, who was still standing closer than convention deemed proper. Their eyes met and at this proximity, the effect of his blue eyes was almost destructive.

He seemed to realize how close they were because he hastily took a step back. Clearing his throat loudly, he said, “The theory you read about is outlined in his work. He reached that conclusion through his own experience and observation.”

She was still at a loss for words so she said nothing.

Dr. Ramsey continued, “Which brings me to the real substance of a good physician.” He fixed her with a very solemn look before continuing. “Reading all the texts in this library will not be enough, Miss Allende. In fact, I give permission to take as many books as you wish for however long you need them.”

Her breath hitched at her throat. If she was speechless before, it was nothing to how she felt at that very moment.

“That still won't make you a doctor,” he warned her. “A doctor learns best through practice. To learn about the disease, first you must listen to the patient. Every word is a clue you must weave together for a cure.”

The elation swelling inside of her deflated at once.

“I am afraid I do not possess the opportunity to observe and learn, sir,” she said, keeping her voice as even as possible. She refused to sound as pitiful as she felt. “For the reasons I so passionately listed before.”

Dr. Ramsey considered her then with a scrutiny so acute, she wished to vanish into the shadows. Very quietly, he asked, “Why do you wish to be a doctor, Ms. Allende?”

She had never considered the question before. All she knew was that she longed to practice medicine with a yearning so powerful, it consumed her every motivation.

“I wish to solve the mysteries that cause so much suffering,” she finally responded. “Illness does not discriminate between social status or wealth, yet it seems medicine does. I hope to bring aid to people who are not fortunate enough to be Earls or Dukes.”

Dr. Ramsey contemplated her answer for a long time, expression as indiscernible as ever. It set her nerves on edge and she wondered if she had said the wrong thing. At last, his blue eyes seemed to reach a conclusion. “I can teach you.”

“What?”

“I can teach you medicine,” he repeated patiently. “An apprenticeship, of sorts.”

Lilac opened her mouth, aware she must look like some sort of fish out of water. Even with her limited knowledge of medicine, she knew a heartbeat so turbulent could not be healthy.

“How would that work?” she asked when she found her voice. “Your reputation–”

“My reputation does not concern me in the least,” he deflected with a small shrug. “Besides, it is very damaged as it is as I insist on being ‘surly’ and ‘unsociable.’”

Vaguely, she considered he was using someone else’s words and not his.

She tried to blink away the haze. “Where is this to take place?”

“This study,” he answered simply. “I am sure you agree with its usefulness given that you broke into it.”

“My father would never allow me to study medicine,” she blurted, the proclamation one of many thoughts speeding through her mind.

“He is blissfully unaware his daughter has been secretly studying it all these years,” Dr. Ramsey argued reasonably. “There is no reason he should learn of it now.”

“But my family will wonder why I am here all the time,” she said. “What pretense will I use to merit so many visits here?”

At this, he offered her a smile that was too devastating to be permissible. “You strike me as a clever girl. I am confident you will figure it out.”

_____

Read Part 2

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Author’s Note: Sorry! Once I started typing, I couldn’t stop! I was thinking of writing a part 2 where she is his apprentice? IDK IDK

THANK YOU for making it this far

_______

#Open Heart #ethan ramsey #ethan x mc #My writing #ethan ramsey fanfiction #Ethan ramsey x mc #dr. ethan ramsey #open heart fanfiction #choices fanfiction

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queenofallwitches · 3 years

Text

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

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