#but the trauma and the emotional mental shit is trying to also distract

[urdepressedslut]

Hello lovely,

I saw your post that your requests are open, so I will give it a try =)

Imagine Bucky and reader are best friends but they have a huge argument and now they don't talk to each other for days. She's feeling really bad, missing him. He is her most important person and now without interacting with him for days, she's feeling lost and lonely and heartbroken. Maybe she has not a super power and is only a normal human, helping the Avengers with IT or something. Due to the argument with her best friend and not talking to Bucky (Bucky ignores her completely) she begins to feel it not only mental but also physically. She can't eat probably and at the end falls deathly sick.... With a fluffy happy ending and a worried and protective Bucky

Please. That would be nice.

Take care honey

oh my goodness— my heart 😭❤️ the angst is gonna hurt, but i’m such a sucker for it. i had so much fun writing this one, thank you for requesting and i hope you like it🥰

Love Hurts

♡ Pairing: Beefy!Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

♡ Summary: You and Bucky get into a heated argument, things are said and done and now he won’t speak to you. You don’t think you can handle him ignoring your existence.

♡ Warnings: language, mentions of bucky’s trauma, heavy angst, malnourishment, depression, anxiety/panic attacks, minor injuries, hospitalization, suicidal ideation, self hate, literally hurt just writing this

main masterlist

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT | MATURE CONTENT 18+

Your nails bit into your palm, denting the flesh— threatening to pierce the delicate skin. It was all to hold yourself back, distract you from the words that wanted to burst out.

It was becoming a sickening routine, Bucky was reckless and had yet another near death experience on his recent mission. The anxiety and the nerves stopping your body from functioning— the dreaded wait for his jet to arrive back at the compound. You shouldn’t have to be used of receiving the call that he had yet again made a reckless move— but you were starting to discover a pattern.

It did nothing to ease the panic that swirled in your chest every time he left for missions. You’d sob, throwing up everything you had eaten that day— unable to stomach anything with the idea that Bucky was on a mission. You never found your anxiety to be so severe— but when Bucky was even mentioned about going on a mission… it spiked.

That’s where you found yourself in his room, watching him pace the space— avoiding your frustrated stare. You weren’t angry at him per say— you were angry that he didn’t value his life.

“Seriously (Y/n)— you get so worked up over nothing. I’m here and alive— isn’t that enough?” He exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration.

You pressed your nails tighter to your palm, yet the pain couldn’t stop your thundering thoughts.

“You’re here and alive now, until you do some stupid shit like this again and are dead!” You hissed, trying to keep your voice low but you didn’t know how much longer you could control yourself.

He glared at you, squinting his eyes in anger and then rolling his eyes.

“Oh for fucks sake— can you stop fucking babying me? I can handle myself!” He raised his voice, his metal arm whirring.

“I’m not babying you— I’m just scared you’re gonna get yourself killed. Do you care about your life at all?” You asked him aggressively, your voice raising just a tad.

He took a long pause, staring at you with his face void of emotion— only annoyance.

“Not really.” He admitted.

You were taken back, although you had these conversations with him a time or twenty. It was an ongoing process to get him to slowly love himself— his past as The Winter Soldier torturing his soul. He was so convinced he wasn’t deserving of anything, not even a roof over his head. It was a struggle to help him, but you weren’t going to give up on him.

“You realize if anything ever happened to you I—” Your voice broke, needing a breath, “Buck I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

You thought you saw his eyes flash with guilt, but before you could linger on the look for too long— his face was hardening again.

“That doesn’t sound like my problem.” He mumbled out, making your eyes widen.

You were extremely taken back from those words, your chest aching painfully— him not knowing what effect those words had on you.

“Are you fucking serious?” You asked him, your face morphing into a hurt expression, mixed with anger. “Can you just do your job without trying to kill yourself?”

His face grew red with rage and he was stomping up towards you— his face inches from yours.

“I am doing my job— very well in fact. Unlike you who just fucking sits here doing nothing!” He defended himself, his breath hitting your face in warm pants.

“Doing nothing? Buck— why are you like this?” You puffed your chest, not backing down from his towering form.

But your words seemed to have hit a nerve, as he shrunk back slightly, narrowing his gaze at you.

“Like what?”

You furrowed your brows, slowing your racing heart from the shouting— you weren’t sure you had said anything bad. Did you?

“What?” You squeaked out, nervous now.

“You said, why am I like this… like what?” He pushed, stepping closer to you now, his face still red with anger but you could see the hurt in his eyes.

You swallowed and wondered how to convince him you didn’t mean anything bad by what you said. But you were almost positive it would be an impossible task to get Bucky to listen.

“Buck, I didn’t mean anythin—”

“What— you think I’m not capable of doing my job? You think I’m still the monster hydra made me?” He spat, his chest rising and falling quicker.

“No, no Buck listen—”

That was definitely not what you meant, you could tell he was spiraling and you were still confused as to why. You would never make him think that.

“After 70 fucking years I finally have a job that I like— that I enjoy doing— I fucking help people! I’m finally doing some good and now you’re telling me I’m not capable of doing it?” He boomed, his chest puffing into yours and your stumbled back slightly. “You think I’m only capable of being a monster? Huh? Is that what you fucking think?”

You were growing scared now, the look in his eyes wild with something and you didn’t like how close he was to you— you knew he’d never hurt you but your fear overwhelmed your senses.

“Friday— call Steve and Sam in here now!” You shouted into the room, and Bucky’s eyes squinted painfully— his metal arm whirring again.

Bucky only saw one thing— you didn’t reassure him that he was thinking irrationally. You didn’t correct him that he wasn’t the monster. Instead you called for help, that you were clearly scared— because you thought he was a monster.

He was at a loss for words and just stared at you, almost through you— as his breathing was only getting heavier at the sight of your fearful eyes.

Not even minutes later, Steve and Sam were busting through the door, taking in the scene and separated you and Bucky.

“Hey— what’s going on?” Steve asked in between the two of you. “Buck, what’s wrong man?”

You couldn’t seem to find the words and just stood speechless as well— the fight startling you. This was one of the worst ones, and it was also one that still left you confused. You cursed yourself for not being careful enough with your words— but it was almost impossible to get through to him when he was on the brink of having an episode.

Sam walked closer to you, his facing morphing into concern as he took in your shocked expression.

“(Y/n)? You okay? Did he hurt you?” Sam whispered, keeping his words only between you two.

You slowly shook your head but still didn’t respond verbally.

“Okay, okay that’s good. You wanna go get a drink from downstairs? Why don’t we take a breather okay?” Sam suggested softly, big brother mode kicking in at the sight of your frazzled state.

Without another word, you left the room with Sam— missing the devastated look from Bucky.

Steve waited until the door shut, then his attention was back on Bucky.

“Buck, you gotta talk to me man— what happened?” He asked softly, watching his friend slowly relax, but it wasn’t from being in a relaxing mood— his body and mind were just exhausted from the argument.

“I fucked everything up. That’s what happened.” He mumbled, turning away from Steve to sit on the edge of his bed.

Steve followed behind but stood in front of him, shaking his head— ready to argue.

“You didn’t mess anything up, arguments happen. You guys will work it out. I know how much you mean to each other.” Steve pointed out, watching Bucky’s face unchanging.

“You didn’t see the way she looked at me— she’s scared of me I—” He shuttered, his breath shaky as he remembered your look, “I fucking scared her.”

Steve’s chest ached, the state of his friend breaking his heart. He knew Bucky meant no harm, and he almost for a fact knew that you knew that too. But Bucky for sure didn’t believe that himself.

“I didn’t see what you saw, but I can guarantee you that she’s not afraid of you. This is (Y/n) we are talking about. You are her world Buck.” Steve tried to convince him.

Bucky shook his head, running his flesh hand through his hair.

“I think I just need to stay away from her for awhile.” Bucky came up with instead.

Steve immediately started shaking his head, knowing that was the last thing he needed.

“Bucky I—”

“Please Steve… I just need some space.” Bucky pleaded, his body sagging in exhaustion.

Steve couldn’t find it in himself to argue with him anymore about this. Maybe he did need some time to himself, to cool down and gather his thoughts. Also Steve wasn’t going to force him to anything ever. After the years his pal went through— he would never make him do anything. He had enough things decided for him, and Steve wasn’t about to stoop to hydra’s level.

Meanwhile down in the kitchen, Sam was getting you a glass of water— standing across from your seated form at the island. He slid the cup across, sending a worried glance at you.

“(Y/n)?” Sam snapped his fingers getting your attention.

You were shaken from your state of staring, but even snapped out of the trance— the anxieties still swirled within you.

“Yeah sorry… I’m here.” You whispered, grabbing the glass and taking a tiny sip.

Sam gave you a quizzical expression, watching you start to slip back into a mindless stare— so he spoke up.

“You wanna tell me what happened?” He asked, genuinely curious what had went down.

He knew— hell everyone knew you and Bucky were extremely close. Best of friends, always there for one another— dancing on the line of strictly friends to lovers. Truthfully, Sam found it completely obnoxious and just wanted you two together already.

“I don’t really know… I think I said the wrong thing— I didn’t mean to make him upset.” You confessed, keeping your eyes on the countertop, not risking a glance to Sam.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up— mistakes happen. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.” Sam told you.

You shook your head, gripping the cup tighter.

“God I hope so… I don’t know what I’d do without him.” You whispered pathetically, tears welling in your eyes.

Sam reached out to rub your arm comfortingly, trying to relax you so you didn’t start crying. He hated to see you cry— made his heart hurt.

“It’s been a long day for everyone, why don’t you go head upstairs and get some sleep. I’m sure things will have blown over by tomorrow.” He suggested and you finally met his gaze, smiling weakly and nodding.

Without saying goodbye, you stood up and headed to your room. Taking Sam’s words and playing them on repeat in your head.

Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow would be better.

God had you hoped that was the case— it only was the beginning on the torment.

You had slept in longer than usual, but overall felt refreshed. The first thing that came to mind when fully waking up was Bucky. Immediately you headed downstairs to find him— needing to talk with him— apologize.

Making it down to the kitchen, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in at the sight of him sitting at the island— sipping at his coffee. You furrowed your brows, thinking he'd be done with his coffee by now, since you had slept in. Your chest ached with guilt with the possibility that he didn't sleep well.

You took a deep breath before making yourself known, although you were sure be could sense you in the room— considering he was a super soldier.

"Morning Buck." You announced, walking around the island so you could face him.

He kept his gaze down at his coffee, finding the cup more interesting than you.

Okay, that’s fair. You thought, you most probably deserved that reaction.

“You sleep okay?” You asked again, picking at the skin on your nails nervously.

Again— he didn’t even lift his head. In fact, he wasn’t even acknowledging you. You waited several minutes for a response, the silence becoming thick with tension and you couldn’t stand it.

“Bucky?” You tried, and this time he lifted his head.

Your heart twinged in your chest at his bloodshot eyes, clear evidence that he hadn’t gotten good sleep. You hated yourself for causing him the stress, especially knowing he was just starting to actually get hours of sleep. It was huge progress compared to his nights either screaming awake or just staring at the walls. But now you had to go and ruin all that progress. You felt sick to your stomach— disgusted with yourself.

“I’m really sorry about last night… I didn’t like how ugly it got and I’m sorry if I said something to upset you— you know I’d never intentionally hurt you.” You told him, picking more aggressively at your nails, causing to nail beds to bleed.

You swallowed nervously when he didn’t answer right away, instead staring at you with… what was that? Disgust? You didn’t know, but you hated the look altogether.

“Bucky, please say something.” You pleaded.

Bucky lowered his gaze to his coffee again, taking a minute before he stood up and looked your way.

“I just need some space.” He told you quietly.

You were relived to have him finally talk to you, but to hear him suggest space between you two— you could almost feel the knife digging into your chest. You tried to keep a neutral expression but otherwise felt your bottom lip quiver.

Without giving you time to respond, Bucky was walking out of the room— leaving you standing there speechless, lungs begging for air. You didn’t want your mind to go immediately to that thought, but you couldn’t ignore it either— he hated you.

“Hey babe, I need you to help me out in the lab tod—” Tony came busting into the room, but immediately shut up once he saw your broken expression. “Honey, what’s wrong? You alright?”

You nodded your head, lying to him and yourself and started waving him off with the fakest smile.

“Yeah— yeah I’m good. Just need to uh— need to get some things done.” You told him, your eyes darting all around the room, the familiar feeling of panic seeping into your being.

Tony gave you a ‘really?’ look and stepped closer to you.

“(Y/n) I’m not blind— I can see you’re upset. Talk to m—”

“Seriously Tony— I’m fine! Just leave it alone!” You told him a little too aggressively.

His face was taken back and you felt guilty immediately, cursing yourself for hurting everyone.

Why are you such a fucking issue? Your mind screamed at you.

You didn’t waste another second and sped walked out of the room, needing to calm yourself down before you ran into any one else. You were spiraling and you needed to just relax— take a deep breath. Maybe you just needed one more day and things would be back to normal.

Yeah… just one more day.

You had hoped that was the case as well… but as always— things only got worse.

Bucky refused to talk to you or even look at you. He’d given you the cold shoulder for almost two weeks now. He would get up and leave the second you entered the room. He couldn’t stand you it seemed.

You couldn’t keep hiding your hurt. At first, you had done a good job at hiding how you were really feeling. Saving the sobbing and attacks for when you were alone in your room. As the days lingered on, you found yourself weak and drained— you didn’t have enough energy to put up a charade anymore.

The whole team were sending you worried looks, and attempted to talk with you. But the second they’d try— you’d bolt. The subject was too sensitive, too raw. You didn’t want to talk to anyone but Bucky— and he hated you.

You had missed so many meals, forgetting to eat with your mental struggles throughout the days. You had been getting no more than two hours of sleep. You were so stressed, so stuck in your own mind that you couldn’t function. Even when you had managed to remember to eat, your stomach would knot up to the point that you were throwing everything up. You were gaunt, basically a real life zombie. You needed help— but you needed Bucky more.

You were laying in bed staring unknowingly into space, it had been hard to focus with no food or sleep in your system— so you had only managed to lay here. Even that was exhausting, no matter how much you laid around— your mind wouldn’t stop the assault. Your anxiety had never been this bad, you were a prisoner to it.

Knocking at your door had you jumping, your heart racing— and for a moment you forgot where you were.

You’re in the compound… yeah that’s right.

You slowed your breathing and swung your legs sluggishly over the edge of the bed to answer it. You weren’t prepared for the sudden dizzy spell, your vision spotting with black and white specks. You tried to blink it off, but suddenly you were toppling to the ground.

You fell to the floor with a loud thump, luckily landing on your front, your hands somehow catching most of your fall— you could already feel the throbbing in your palms.

You didn’t hear the persistent knocking, or the door open. You didn’t even hear the voice speaking from the doorway. It was when a hand landed on your shoulder that you were gasping, forgetting your surroundings once again.

Your eyes met Steve’s and you swore your heart was about to beat out of your chest.

“(Y/n) are you alright?” He asked you, hovering his hands over you— not sure what you had hurt.

You furrowed your brows, looking him over.

“Steve what are… what are you doing here?” You asked genuinely confused.

You watched Steve’s eyes widen and he swallowed nervously— his expression growing more concerned.

“(Y/n) it’s okay… I’ve got you.” Steve hushed, and he was pulling you into his chest, hugging you protectively.

You were still confused but then you tasted one of your stray tears, and you immediately came to your senses. You were crying in Steve’s arms… but why? You were having gaps of time missing from you, this wasn’t the first time this had happened— you just didn’t seem to care.

“Steve… my head hurts.” You slurred into his chest, sagging against him.

You were grateful that he was here, you desperately needed someone around. You were just hoping that someone would’ve been Bucky.

“Okay, let’s get you to Helen. She’s gonna take care of you, okay?” Steve asked you, and you could only give a weak nod.

He knew there was no way you were walking there, so he hoisted you up into his arms, and cradled your head as he started to the med bay.

You just stared blankly at his chest, not really caring if Steve were to throw you off the roof of the building. You just didn’t care.

Steve had gotten you down to her, and she checked you out. Alerting Steve that you were extremely malnourished, dehydrated— an insomniac. She kept listing off all the things Steve was afraid to hear. The whole time he was sure you didn’t hear a thing, although you were in the room— you were just checked out.

Helen eventually left, and Steve took his opportunity to speak with you. He pulled up a chair next to the hospital bed and grabbed your hand.

“(Y/n), what’s going on? You can talk to me— you can’t keep doing this to yourself. Please… just talk to me.” Steve whispered, pleading with you that you would stop torturing yourself.

“He hates me.” You mumbled.

Steve’s eyes widened and he frowned, knowing what you meant. He knew he let this go on for too long.

“(Y/n) he doesn’t hate you. He just needed time to himself, so he co—”

“I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, I don’t even know what I said to hurt him but I—” You rushed out, the heart monitor beeping frantically, “I’m a horrible person, I didn’t mean to— I didn’t mean to!”

You wheezed out, clutching your chest as you couldn’t catch your breath. Your cheeks glistened with a steady stream of tears, your wheezing only growing by the second.

“Okay, okay (Y/n)— I need you to slow your breathing. You’re okay, he doesn’t hate you. Just take deep breaths okay— even if you can’t just try. I’m here.” He tried to coach you, but this wasn’t his thing.

Now he was starting to get mad at his friend, Bucky shouldn’t of let this go on for this long.

You followed his chest rising and falling, staring at him as he tried to calm you down. Your breaths were heavy and painful sounding. Steve was about to say something but stopped himself when he saw your eyes look behind him.

He turned and saw Bucky standing in the doorway— his face paled. Truthfully, he looked like he was going to be sick.

“(Y/n)?” He whispered, his heart breaking at your state.

He had ran into Helen in the kitchen and was informed of your condition— he didn’t believe it and had to see for himself. He was shocked to find you like this.

Your tears only edged on from his appearance and you shook your head in shame.

“I’m sorry Bucky! Whatever I did, I’m sorry!” You sobbed and Bucky ran to the bed, kneeling down and taking your hands into his.

“Doll it’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here— I’m here. I’m not gonna leave you… I’m sorry.” He rushed out, shushing your cries, watching you slow your breathing at his words. “There we go, just keep breathing with me. I’m here, you’re okay.”

He kept repeating himself, making sure you knew he wasn’t going anywhere.

Steve knew you were in good hands and slowly snuck out of the room— knowing you two needed to talk.

Bucky tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear, letting his fingers trail down your cheek to your jaw. You couldn’t help the way your face leaned into his touch, it felt like it had been forever since the last one.

Your breathing had slowed down, and now you just stared up at him— eyes glossy with more tears. You felt so many emotions. You felt relived, but also angry and hurt. Above all— you needed to know what you did to upset him. The guilt still ate away at your heart, and even just the memory of the argument had your chest aching.

“What did I do?” You whispered, making his eyes shoot up to yours, concern painting his face.

“You didn’t do anything.” He told you, and you furrowed your brows.

You were still anxious— he hadn’t answered your question. Even more so— if you didn’t do anything then why did he ignore you?

“Then why?”

“Why what (Y/n)?” He dared to ask, and you scoffed— ripping your hands out of his.

The anger was approaching.

“Why did you shut me out?” You wondered, and he only let his eyes cast down to the bed— making you angrier. “You ignored me for two weeks! Two fucking weeks you just acted as if I didn’t exist! Do you know how much that fucking hurts?”

You were breathing heavy again, but this time it wasn’t from panic— it was the full force of all your anger bursting out.

He lifted his eyes to you, and you saw how broken he looked. How your state had affected him.

“I could never do that to you Buck— I would never do that to you! You’re my everything! I don’t trust anyone as much as I trust you!” You raised your voice, while he stayed silent. “If I didn’t do anything then why would you— why—”

You broke out into a sob, covering your face with your hands. You felt good getting all the built up anger out— but now you felt extremely guilty. The pitiful face of Bucky staring at you, causing your heart to hurt all over again. It didn’t matter what happened, you always ended up hurting others.

“(Y/n) I’m so sorry I— god I fucked up. I didn’t ever mean to hurt you, please know that. You’re my other half, and no one has ever been there for me like you have.” He spoke through a tight throat, swelling with emotion.

You uncovered your face and just stared at him a little longer, still incredibly hurt from his actions— but you knew you couldn’t stay mad at him. You so badly wanted to forgive and forget— and just wrap him in your arms like you both needed.

“It’s hard to explain what’s wrong with me to someone when I don’t even understand what’s wrong with me— I just know I’m fucked up. I’m broken beyond repair.” His voice broke, his own eyes welling with tears.

You didn’t have it in you to keep up an angry facade, and so you reached out and took his hand in yours. His face almost immediately lit up, his breathing slowing at your touch.

“Try me.” You whispered, watching Bucky take a deep breath before he spoke again.

“The night of our fight…” He started, and you swallowed in having to remember that night. “I had never seen you look at me like that.”

You stayed silent, afraid to open your mouth and have a sob escape. You could feel it bubbling up— the memory playing back through your mind.

“You looked at me like you were scared. You looked at me like I was a monster.” He confessed and it all made sense to you now.

It wasn’t about what you said, it was your reaction that disturbed him to no ends. Even if you couldn’t control your reaction in the moment— you still felt guilty for causing him pain of remembering the hydra days.

“Oh Buck…” You whimpered, trying to pull him close— but he pulled away before he could reach your embrace.

“No— you don’t get to be nice to me after what I did. I promised I would never hurt you and I did— you’re in here because of me! I don’t deserve your forgiveness!” He raised his voice, and you weren’t scared of him— just concerned.

“I wasn’t scared of you Bucky, you just caught me off guard. Things were heated— I’m not afraid of you and I most definitely don’t think you’re a monster.” You tried to convince him.

“I really hope you’re not lying because if you were afraid of me… god I don’t know what I’d do. If you never wanted to see me again— that’s fine. Whatever you want, but I can’t live knowing you’re afraid of me.” He whimpered out.

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”

He nodded his head, knowing damn well you’d never lie. That was one thing he loved about you— you were so honest. Keeping it real with him, even if he didn’t wanna hear it. He could count on you for the truth.

“I still don’t deserve your forgiveness.” He argued.

“Well too bad, I’m forgiving you anyway.” You finally told him and he felt his chest expand.

Like he could finally breath.

“Why?” He wondered.

You knew it was the line you two had been dancing on forever— but you knew if there was ever a time to say it. It was now.

“Because I love you.” You admitted quietly.

His eyes widened just slightly, and his breath stuttered. He had always had a feeling what you two had was more than friends, he just never spoke up about it. Of course he loves you too— god he loves you so much. That’s why the thought of you being scared of him was enough to pull him away. He couldn’t bear being around you if you were frightened by him. He couldn’t live with himself. More importantly he now discovered, he really couldn’t live without you.

“I love you so much.” He confessed back as your tears leaked down your cheeks.

You pulled his arm, and he let you pull him to the bed— close enough where you could cup both his cheeks.

“Don’t ever do that to me again, please. I need you Bucky— life is not livable without you.” You cried, kissing his forehead to which he leaned into your lips.

“Never again— I promise.”

This time, he wouldn’t break it.

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#bucky barnes #sebastian stan #the winter soldier #marvel cinematic universe #reader insert #buckybarnes #marvel imagines #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes angst #protective bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x female reader #hurt/comfort fic #james buchanan barnes #beefy bucky barnes #theleggymeggy fics #fluffy #heavy angst #I write so much sadness I swear im okay #thank you for requesting!

[henrysglock]

Breadcrumbs Post, Revisited <3

The VR game really does pain me...particularly about Henry. (Who could have known...this revelation is truly a left-field twist...)

There's one part in Chapter 5 that really gets me:

Shadow Brenner: You were a good child, in your own way. Henry: What does that even mean? Shadow Brenner: Obedient, eager to show off, brilliant—but just like all shining things: Too. Much.

He goes on to show Henry memories of himself in the lab with Brenner as a child. Henry starts in with pleasantries ("I trust you slept well?"), Brenner makes a comment about Henry historically disliking pleasantries, to which Henry responds that they're "made-up rules".

After that, Brenner makes something of a striking comment:

Brenner: Are we getting distracted, or focusing? Young Henry: ...focusing.

After that, we're transported to the tattoo scene, wherein Brenner tells Henry that Soteria is temporary, and will only be in place until Henry's "emotional acuity" increases and they can find "more collaborative ways forward". Read: It'll come out once you submit to me completely.

You mean to tell me Henry's a good kid who's eager to please, brilliant, easily distracted, has a distaste for social games like pleasantries and small-talk, struggles with reading emotions, and is defiant in the face of perceived injustice? That he's specifically "too much"?

Anyone with autism and ADHD has heard all that shit before...which is exactly what I said here last April when I discussed the misuse of the label "psychopath" in regards to Henry, who more prominently displays traits of autism and cPTSD (though after playing this game and seeing The First Shadow...I'm inclined to adapt that diagnosis to auDHD).

The other one that kills me a little is when Shadow Brenner tells us/Henry about how Henry's mind works. Shadow Brenner says that Henry killed his family so they could never send him away again, that Henry loves via obsession...meaning whatever he obsesses over, he loves, and that El and her rejection of him makes him emotional/weak.

Regardless of how true those statements are/how much of it is being said by the Shadow to convince Henry that the monstrous/negative aspects are true/how much of it is being said to try and hurt Henry and break him down...we can at least surmise a few underlying themes:

Henry loved his family, and it hurt him to be cast aside/set apart from them.

Henry was utterly heartbroken by Virginia sending him away/selling him out to Brenner.

Henry loved El.

To some degree, given the obsession: Henry still loves El.

These are all things I've said before. It's nothing new...but it sure does hurt to have them reaffirmed.

Henry was a good kid who loved his family even when they couldn't love him. Shocker (/s). And now, despite the fact that it Hurts, he can't let them go/refuses to let them go, as if holding onto them will make them love him. He was also "too much" for his family to handle, and post-El...that translates very obviously in-game into him believing he's too much for anyone to handle, let alone love. He makes his empathetic mental connections as Vecna based on that feeling of being an unlovable monster (which I also said in my "Henry isn't a psychopath" post!).

Shared trauma, man. That's the real deal. Everything you see Vecna weaponize against someone is something he himself has experienced...which is something I said back in January of last year in a post I dubbed "the breadcumbs post" (hence the title of this post):

In short:

#note: using henry and edward interchangeably here because it's just easier #this literally all kills the man #someone put me in a padded cell!!! #fucking. can we get some justice for that creel boy. whichever one it is. maybe a little respect put on his name. whatever that may be #henry creel #st vr

[riverofrainbows]

Lately I'm hearing a lot about PDA and autism (PDA = pathological demand avoidance) and it's very good that people become more aware of it and are able to learn more about their own needs. However i often see it framed as like a type of autism, as in PDA autism that's just this thing that happens randomly.

But it isn't just a flavour of autism or something that comes from who-knows-what, it's a trauma response. To having forced yourself to do so much shit that goes against your needs, to feeling like you have to/having to force yourself to do things that go over your capacity, that disregard your needs and do harm to you. Including things where people don't even know their own needs and can't communicate them.

It's a trauma response caused by a lack of autonomy and accommodations (from yourself for whatever reason and your environment). To the point where having to do anything, hearing any demand causes this message of doom to your nervous system

And there is a very simple but not easy solution to it, with the potential of even a cure: Do not force yourself to do anything until your nervous system has healed. Now this is very hard to be able to do, which is the difficult part, because most of us aren't in an environment where we can do that, often have to work etc to survive and don't have people support us for a few years while we do not acquiesce to any demand. Additionally, many of us don't even know how to honor our needs because we trampled all over them for years, were forced to mask them and might not even know what they are or how to recognise them in ourselves.

A possible way to at least some healing of our nervous system is getting to know our needs and working on meeting them better, to try and build down the mask and only conciously use it where necessary but for example not at home or in a safe space, and try to have as many safe spaces to unmask as possible. You might only be able to start while completely alone but even that helps. Another point is decomposition time, soup time as i call it. Where we take however much time we have available, preferably at least a couple days, whenever we can, and do not force ourselves to do anything, even hobbies or getting out of pyjamas, except staying alive, and just drift like driftwood. This also massively helps with autistic burnout.

One additional tipp to recognising our suppressed needs and wants is that when you think "Oh i want this" but immediately shut yourself down: try to recognise this happening and ask yourself "Why can't i do this?" and if you don't have a good reason why not, try doing the thing you want. Might be something as simple as a juice packet or be some leftover rule from childhood. Similar for "I don't look forward to that": if you don't have a reason why you have to do it, and do it exactly this way, consider not doing it. For example you don't have to go to an outing you are very uncomfortable at. You don't have to do the dishes a certain way even tho it's awful sensory wise. Try finding those small impulses and listening to them. It gets easier over time.

This PDA trauma response is also one of the factors of executive dysfunction. Especially for things like when we can't even do our own hobbies or plans we had that we enjoy. Other reasons for executive dysfunction are difficulty transition tasks, sensory issues that make us avoid a task, pending decisions related to the tasks, unknown elements of a task, or not wanting to interrupt the current activity such as listening to music or watching a show (especially since these are big tools for escapism and distraction/coping to keep emotional distress at bay or otherwise aid in emotional regulation).

Btw this whole essay is built on my own experiences, i am not a psychologist or professionally qualified in some other way. So do take this with some critical thinking as my sources are "it's in my head" and we should never take (mental) health advice on the internet without thinking about whether it makes sense and applies to us, and do additional research if any questions or doubts or further thoughts come up.

#own post #if i need to go to the toilet or get a glass of water but i don't want to do it if i have to stop my show then i will just take it with me #even if i watch it on the laptop and not my phone i will just haul the laptop to the bathroom for two minutes #can highly recommend #i have had this issue with forcing myself to do things made so much more poignant because i also became physically disabled but would force #myslef to push through it and hide it from ny surroundings as well. it made me quickly realise my limits tho #and i had the opportunity to not fulfill many demands thanks to my parents and the free time of semester breaks #and unmasking at about the same time #so this whole post speaks from personal experience

[vinetae]

Alice's Game

This is a game.

And you must win.

𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝙿𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕!𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚛, 𝙲𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚋𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚌 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚜, 𝙼𝚞𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚛!𝙽𝚊𝚖𝚓𝚘𝚘𝚗, 𝚈𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚎!𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚜, 𝙿𝚜𝚢𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚜𝚝!𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝟷𝟾+ 𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚍𝚊𝚛𝚔 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚏𝚏. 𝙸𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚜, 𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚟𝚎. 𝙲𝚊𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚋𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚖! (𝙸𝚝'𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚖𝚎), 𝙴𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚖𝚞𝚝, 𝙵𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚕𝚎𝚜, 𝚑𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚌 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔𝚜𝚝𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜, 𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚍𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚜, 𝚏𝚘𝚞𝚕 𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚞𝚊𝚐𝚎.

𝙰/𝚗: 𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎, 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝙶𝙾𝙳; 𝙳𝚘 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚢 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚐𝚗𝚜 𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚆𝙸𝙻𝙻 𝚐𝚘 𝚝𝚘 𝙰𝙲𝚃𝚄𝙰𝙻 𝚓𝚊𝚒𝚕.

This was a request from a friend of mine, and so I decided to try my hand at yandere things and psycho-killer themes. She's not on Tumblr, but says Hi! <3

Heavily inspired by: @dovechim - Lost In The Funhouse

Go follow them, they're amazing!! <3

Comment if you'd like to be added to the taglist ☺

:readmore:

Drip

The black molded floor sinks in. The ropes snaked around tightly your limbs, a small tear slipped from your duct. 

Drip

It was so perfect. Graduate college, work in the psych ward, settle down in a little town with two or three kids. 

Nowhere in the planner had ‘get kidnapped by your own patient’ penned in.

Clicking on your red pumps echo through the long hallway. The stench of cigarettes, drugs, and something not so moral wash over your senses. Down the hall, several doors lock themselves tightly away from any human contact. Protecting the people outside of it, more so than what’s inside.

“Remember, no touching. You get 20 minutes, then you’ll hear the buzzer go off. He’ll be chained to the chair, so you don’t have anything to worry about. We’ve also installed cameras on the entire floor and rooms for the patients’ safety. 

Yeah right. You think.

They only take these monsters away because they’re scared. You see, the most notorious, psychopaths and murderers have no fear. From the amount of childhood trauma and mental disorders swirling their brains distracts them from any fear they could have. Neurotypicals such as you had something they could only mirror. Never truly experienced. 

Emotion.

The buzzer alarms. You walk inside the dark room, eyes adjusting to the bright fluorescent light hanging above a metal table. You look a little closer, gasping quietly at his appearance.

You dealt with plenty of psychos in your life. Your father had -unfortunately- been one of the many you came to study in your adult-age. Your mother, a narcissistic pathological liar, has been anything but helpful to your own past. As a child, you lived in constant fear. While kids your age had been going to the park to eat ice cream with their parents, yours had been hunting your innocence and soul both mentally and physically. At the ripe age of 9, you’d decided that you wouldn’t take their shit anymore.

Maturity didn’t make you grow up fast. 

It was fear.

Fear of waking up with your father standing over your bed, knife in hand as blood trickled down the sheen of metal. Heavy grunts and heaves exile his chest. His crusted beard and shattered glasses hang his expressions.

Only, he had no emotion. 

You figured that out very quickly on your 5th birthday. As curious children wander, you had two makeshift barbies in hand. Your colored two ponytails your half-sober mother had lazily put up when she had been in a good mood. The old wooden creaked open as you fell back on your behind.

Father had been yelling at your mother -as per usual- about something and something. Most of your childhood had been extremely vague. Later on, you found out from your psychology class that the brain subconscious avoids pain of any kind. Your brain had blocked the horrid memories. Only allowing you to remember certain things when it thought you could handle it. 

That’s why you’d joked between your colleagues that your brain had been your parent.

The door creaked open, revealing the rotting stench of what had seemed to be deer and rabbits. You fell to the floor, silently crying out for the animals your father had mutilated. 

That wasn’t even the worst part. 

You glance over, sniffling as your child-like innocence sets itself on a blood-shot red table. Obviously the smell is emitting from that more than anything. You scooted a chair over to get a closer look, screaming as your eyes set on the mutilated, poked, prodded, and bloodied human limbs.

A head stares back at you, laid lifelessly on the table. The eyes had been gouged out, while flesh had been ripped off. A ear lays next to your arm. Stitched with some kind of black thread, then ripped apart once more. Anything you’d seen in your teen years on horror movies had nothing against this. 

Boots clack against the old wooden floors. 

“Doctor? Are you alright?” The guard’s firm but caring tone pulls you from the horrid thoughts. You nod, embarrassingly pushing your black frame glasses higher up to the bridge of your nose, preparing to get to the bottom of what made this man tick. 

“Are you ready?” He asks, as you nod once more. 

The buzzer sounds. 

His dry grin creeps the corner of his lips. 

“Well hello, pretty thing.”

You chuckle at the silly nickname, keeping your professional stance as you take a seat in the chair across from his. You take notice of his situation. A white straight jacket wraps his built figure. Black, greasy locks fall effortlessly in front of his intimidating eyes. The fluorescent light brightens up his skin even more, every freckle and mole visible on his porcelain like skin. 

You’d seen a lot of mediocre good-looking patients but they had nothing on this man.

Pulling your professional mask back on, you flip through his papers, glancing between the two. 

Cherry red lips..

“Kim Namjoon.” You read.

A well built frame. Muscles as big as your whole head-

“No need for formalities, darling.” he leans closer, staring you down through his luscious eyelashes. 

“It’s just Namjoon, sweets.” He leans back, a bored expression plays on his face. 

You chuckle, flipping through more of his paperwork they’d provided you days beforehand. Of course you’d skimmed through it, but you want to make this at least a bit more comfortable without having to look in his enticing chocolate irises. 

_____________________________________________________________

Case #: 2918   Page: 9

Date: June 2nd, 2019.

Last Name: Kim    First Name: Namjoon    Middle: -none-

Race: Asian.

DOB: Sep 12th, 1994.

Details of case: Genocide, use of illegal drugs, Man slaughter, homicide.

Weapon(s) involved: C13H16CINO - Ketamine usage. Dimethoxyethane (DME) usage. 

Habits of patient: Grinding teeth, untimely laughing fits, manipulation, gaslighting,-

_____________________________________________________________

One word has caught your attention.

Persuasion.

He chuckles at your facial expression. You cleared your throat, focusing your attention back onto the subject. 

“You have quite the resume, Mr. Kim” He chuckles, leaning against the metal chair’s back end. A glimmer of curiosity peaks his irises. 

“Only the best for you, Doc.” You chuckle, shaking your head softly at the teases. You reach into your pocket, sliding the recording device across the table to land between you two. You click your pen, glancing at his bored expression. 

“Any time, Mister Kim.” 

Once the session's finished, you start to pack your belongings, making sure the recording device is safely tucked beteen you leather breifcase pouch.

"See you later, Little Alice." He replies, watching as you pack more of your things into what small leather briefcase you'd been carrying around. You nod, still having a weird feeling in the pit of your stomache.

"Can I help you?" You ask quietly. He lets out a dark chuckle.

"More than you know, Doll." You roll your eyes, before turning back to face him.

"My name's not Alice, by the way." He hums, leaning against the back of his chair.

"I'm aware, Miss Y/n".

How'd he know your name? It's not like you wear a nametag.

He stands, stalking over to your figure.

He chuckles at your cuteness.

You stand your ground, fixing your posture to seem big.

It didn't work.

No amount of heels could ever make you feel equal to this man. Not only was he one of the most notorious serial killers, he was freakishly tall.

You words catch in the back of your throat.

"Why did you call me Alice, then?"

He smirks, doing a one-over on your whole body.

"Because," He steps closer. If it hadn't been for the straight jacket, he'd have you up against the wall, screaming for him to fuck you by now.

"You like sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."

You huff at his harsh tone.

"And why doesn't my nose belong here?"

He smirks, leaning to the side of your cheek, his hot breath dances lightly on the skin of your lobe.

"Because this is not a place for purity, darling."

You huff.

"I am not purity, Kim." He smiles, walking back over to the chair he'd originally been sat in.

"And I'm not a psycho-killer." He watches as the pink creeps up your face like a child trying to make it past their parents bedroom on Christmas day.

Grabbing the rest of your things, you both hear the buzzing of the door, watching as it opens to reveal two men here to escort you out.

"See you tomorrow." You call back, while making your way out of the room.

This, was going to be fun.

The buzzer sounds once more. The same routine you’d adjusted to for around a week now. Every day, you’d come into the asylum to check on Namjoon. Sadly, you had only gotten so far as learning what you’d already known. His name, family (or lack of), favorite ways to torture his victims, etc. You’d gotten nowhere, and your deadline was this month. You had to figure out some way of helping him open up. 

Your white pencil skirt creeps up the length of your legs every step you take. Thankfully, you’d chosen to wear black shorts under the skirt as always. The black silk button-up you’d picked from a thrift store lays lazily against your risen bosom. The small accentuates of jewelry decorate your typical appearance. 

You walk into the room you’d now referred to as being your ‘office’ mainly because of how many times you'd been here instead of actually being at corp. You noticing as they bring in Namjoon. The straight jacket still wound tightly around his figure. He plops down harshly on the metal chair, the straps lock his limbs down firmly. Once the guard shuts the door behind him, Namjoon glances through his thick eyebrows to your delicate looking figure. The simple gold necklace eases the hard look of your thick black glasses. A small chuckle escapes his chest. 

“What are those for?” You motion to his forearm, noticing a large incision about the size of a pencil spayed heavily on the surface of his forearm. Dried blood clings to the wound.

“Why so many questions?” You mentally roll your eyes at his comment. You lean forward, the dip of your shirt peaking just enough to give him an accidental taste of what he couldn’t touch. 

“Mister Kim, I’m trying to help you.” He scoffs, looking off into the distance to the corner behind you. 

“Sweetheart, I don’t need your help.” You offer a small grin, to which he barely returns. 

More, Y/n. Come on..

You lean forward some more, now giving him a full display of the dips of your laced breasts on full display for his viewing pleasure. 

“Listen. You’re right. You don’t need my help. But,” Your so close to proximity, that you can feel both lines of breath starting to mix. A dangerous concoction indeed. 

“You want it.”

To that, he chuckles at your ignorance. 

“No, Alice, dear.” He leans forward to meet your own posture. 

“You want it.” He leans back, enjoying the view you’re still providing. 

“Sweet, innocent girl. So,” His lips are so close to yours. Your breath staggers in pitch at his closeness. You’re seducing a serial killer. How fucked up is that?

“Very,” His smirk plasters his face before banging his forehead into yours. 

“Foolish.” 

“Fuck!” You curse. 

His words are harsh, you fall backwards, holding the bruised spot starting to welt. You pierce his gaze, a crazy look remains in his gleam. 

The guards come rushing in to restrain him, as they escort you out. His voice rings through the dark room, reminding you of everything you tried to forget. 

“Might as well just crawl back to daddy if you really wanna study a psychopath, darling!” 

Jimin sighs, cleaning the gash around your forehead. 

“That fucker” He mumbles, cursing under his breath as your mind’s too busy with reenacting the scene. Looking for something to use against him. 

“I’m gunna fucking kill him!” He groans, lightly applying the bandage to your gash. You wince, but not from the pain. It had been nothing compared to what your father put you through. 

“It’s fine, Jimin.” He scoffs at your obvious lie. 

“Of course it’s not fine, Y/n! That piece of shit fucking gashed your head! You should be lucky he was in that straight jacket. Who knows what he could’ve done with his sick mind!?” You place your hand on his shoulder, hopping off the table to keep your balance.

“It’s okay, really. All in a job’s work.” He rolls his eyes, handing you a small cup of water. You take it from his grasp, immediately quenching your thirst. Throwing the cup into the garbage, you make your way back over to the cafeteria of the prison. 

You’d been escorted to the main level. There were four floors. 

1st held all of the common criminals. Pickpockets, thiefs, people with unpaid parking tickets, druggies and more. 

Second level is for the more mediocre criminals along with the cafeteria and indoor gym for the workers.

 Third, held people like small murderers and interogation rooms. 

The fourth floor had batshit crazies, people with the same charges as Ted Bundy, Dhamer, Lopez, and Shipman. 

Along with Kim. 

You groan in frustration, throwing the papers across your small apartment’s space. The anger you felt had manifested from this case, along with the news that your father had escaped his death sentence, and broken out of the ward he’d been kept in; about 100 miles from where you had moved. 

His laugh echoed through your head. Flashes from when he’d gashed you in that interrogation room earlier fills your senses. Screams, cries, yells reverberate off the walls of your mind. 

A mix of Namjoon’s and your father’s voice screams in your head. 

You’ll never be normal.

You’re not worthy.

You’re the product of a serial killer.

Shut up..

You know it’s true, Y/n. Deep down, 

You always have.

“SHUT UP!!”

You pick up the glass bottle, throwing it against the wall. The blood-shot red liquid stains your creme white walls. Shards of glass fall to the oak wooden floors. Soaking in all of the pain. Frustration. 

Emotion.

Day 13.

What an unlucky number. The bags under your eyes alert everyone around you of your restless night. You’d tossed and turned all through the night. Images of your father beating your mother, pictures you’d gone to therapy for 5 years to try to rid yourself of. His evil laugh rips through your fears. 

Living in constant fear for your life is not the ideal thought to have right before you sleep. 

In the end, you’d decide to google anything and everything about this ‘kim Namjoon’ person. 

Six hours later, and you practically had been left at a dead end. 

Family of four. Brother went hysterical, falling into the coping of drugs. Sentenced to sex years for sex trafficking and overdosing/torturing victims. 

You laugh hysterically. 

I guess torture runs in the family.

Mother - Neighbours said the family had always been weird. Hauling in animals left and right, even when it hadn’t been hunting season. Mother had always been cooking something in the backyard. Neighbors complained of ghastly and grotesque smells coming from Kim's estate. Police searched, but had come up empty handed. Soon, father went on a killing spree. A total of 16 lives were lost to the hands of Namjoon’s father. 

Something had caught your eye.

When investigated, authorities found descriptive and eerie pictures of a disgusting family dinner. Authorities took 8 months to identify the victims. Finally, they had been concluded. 

A total of 5 bodies - 4 girls and one boy - all around to be 16-21 - had been consumed. 

Your body hunches forward, your lunch threatening to spill from your stomach. Bile comes creeping up your throat. 

He had been a cannibal. 

It was so much worse than you thought..

You make your way back into the room, a patient Namjoon is placed in his usual spot. His creeping smile repulses you. You take your seat, preparing the session. 

This time, you were going to catch him. 

The assignment you’d been hired for had been altered.

“Find some evidence good enough to put him on immediate death row.”

Seeing this bastard’s head chopped off gave you some sick kind of feeling in the pit of your stomach. Watching as it rolls around, after being freshly severed gives you a sense of relief. 

And something that should not be there in a time like this…

His chocolate brown eyes swirl your figure. 

“Good morning, Alice.” He fakes a smile, as do you. 

This is a game.

And you must win.

A smile creeps his face. His black locks frame his face like framing of the Mona Lisa. 

You had to admit, he was gorgeous. 

“Good morning, Kim.” He faints a cheap taken back expression from your harsh words. 

“Damn baby, thought after all these dates we’d already have first names in the vocabulary.” You chuckle, clicking your pen to write the date down on your spreadsheet. 

“These aren’t dates.” He smiles, watching as you pen in the date and time.

“Mmm, You sure dress like it is.” 

You glance down to your outfit. The Wine-stained two piece pantsuit accentuates your hips. The white blouse teasingly pops out between your cropped blazer. The gold necklace you’d previously worn, adorns the thin curves down the front of your chest. 

You can hear his chest heave a short groan at your outfit choice. 

You looked like absolute fucking sin.

“Mmm, You look good in red.” He leans forward, the straight jacket having been discarded for ‘good behavior’ from last week. Anything to get to touch your porcelain-soft looking features. To have you writhing under his touches. To corrupt your innocence you hide behind the insecurity like a masked confidence. 

He could read you like a book. 

A newspaper, even. 

You’re filled with stories for him every day.

Your eyes follow his lead meeting in the middle. You notice the write cotton sweatpants wrapped around his thick thighs. The white-ish cream colored monochrome tones match his top. A long sleeve cotton shirt with lack of strings of any kind. Precautions of suicide, you learned in college. 

“So, tell me.” You lean forward, resting your hands atop the desk, placing the point of your chin in the dips of your palms. 

“Anything, Dear.” He flashes a genuine looking smile. 

Impossible. 

He’s just mirroring my own expressions.

Psychopaths can’t feel actual emotions. 

So, why does it look genuine?

“Tell me about your family.” He chuckles. 

He glances to the walls surrounding the two of you, sighing out of boredom. 

“Well, it’s not like I’m going anywhere anyways.” He leans up, placing his forearms on the cool metal table, mimicking your stance. 

“What’d you like to know, princess?”

You flip through your folder. 

‘Wow I feel so special. My own folder~” You tilt his head to the side, trying to get a better look at your features to remember for later, but to anyone else it’d just seem like he’s in his own head, acting crazy. 

Like he is.

“Tell me about the wonderful feasts you had.” His expression falls cold. He leans back, demeanor switching completely. 

“Get out.” He torts, but you don’t budge. 

“Come on. Why did yo-” 

“I said get the fuck out!” He yells, as the two guards come rushing in, pulling you away from the metal table. 

Once he sees that you’re gone, he quickly grabs the folder, stuffing it quickly into the belt area of his pants before being dragged out of the interrogation room. 

Once back in his cell, it’d already been time to rest. His body lays against the cool mattress, shuffling around he finds a comfortable position. On the bright side of being in the top 10 notorious murderers, they deemed him too insane to share a room with anyone else. 

He pulls the thin covers over his head, making sure the red light from the camera in the top corner of his room turns completely off, before the camera sinks back to it’s ‘off’ position. He only gets the non camera luxury because the past few years he’d built up somewhat good connections with the guards. They didn’t like him, but tolerated him more than some of the other inmates. 

It also helped to be in the commission business here. 

The guards always have to be checked for any type of drug or weapon that they could sneak into the facility, which meant taking away their pleasure supply. And to be working in a stuffy, cold, dark and -let’s face it- anything but clean place, it was hard to find the kind of things people were into. Thankfully, Marc, Namjoon’s neighboring door down had a plentiful supply of eroticisms that weren’t even allowed -outside- of the facility. 

Namjoon flips through the papers, having a difficult time reading your chicken scratch. He scoffs at your poor penmanship. 

“A three year old could write better than this.” He rolls his eyes, scanning over the meaningless words such as ‘The Kim family had always been strange and introverted.’ ‘Tied to their house’ 

Blah blah blah. 

He already knows that. 

He lived it. 

One line caught his eye. 

“Lee Y/n.”

He chuckles. 

You’d left your profile in the case file.

He flips through the pages, studying over the content while biting into the apple he’d been given as a token for being a quote ‘good noodle’. 

This good noodle was gonna rip out that guard’s small intestine and use it as a fucking belt if he ever said shit like that again.

He flips through the folder, watching as more information pops up to his enjoyment. 

____________________________________________________________

Name: Lee Y/n

Age: 25

Occupation: Criminal Psychology and Justice Studies. 

Level of Education: Dual-Enrolled all of highschool, Straight A student, Volunteered at psych clinics for 2+ years. Studied at Carnegy another 4 years. 

Hobbies: Reading, History, Criminal studies, Karate, Ju-jitsu.

_____________________________________________________________

Another section of the folder catches his eye. 

_____________________________________________________________

Background Screening Results - 2019

Relatives: No

Recommendations: 3+

Notes:  Father convicted of 6 murders, one being his own 4 year old son, Grayson. Currently resides;

Westwood Mental Institution (2017).

Mother clinically diagnosed with DSM - Schizophrenia, Generalized anxiety, and depression. Currently resides and recovering in Livingston, Montana. 

_____________________________________________________________

So crazy runs in your family too, huh?

Your low wedges plank across the hardened concrete floors. The off-white colored pencil dress you’d chosen to wear sways along with the sing songy tone of your hips. 

“Morning, Miss Y/n!” Catherine calls from the front desk. 

“Morning, Cathay!” You walk past the guards, already knowing the routine. They don’t even need to check you anymore. -Though, they sometimes still do-

You make your way to the room, laying your small briefcase on the metal table, preparing for today’s session. The cold walls block any kind of kind thoughts you have. 

Something was off. 

 Soon, the thick mental door opens, revealing Namjoon. 

By himself..

You stand, wondering where the guards had gone. 

Sirens whirl off in the distance. 

“Hello, My Alice.”

You’re confused. Had one of the prisoners tried to escape? It wasn’t until Namjoon grabs you by the arm, gripping tightly, making his way through the corridor. The guards stop him about 20 feet in front. Guns and flashlights shine and gleam on the both of you. Namjoon sighs, rolling his eyes before quickly pulling a gun to your head. 

“Easy boys. Don’t want a lawsuit on your hands” Namjoon’s plastered smirk sends chills down your spine. 

“Come on Namjoon, leave the girl alone.” One of the guards eases his way towards the both of you, still keeping a distance that Namjoon would prefer. He pretends to ponder for a moment, but a blood-curdling look smears his face. 

“How about… No.” He aims the gun towards the guard, ducking down to save his own life. 

“See? You don’t really care about her.” Namjoon’s eyes crane to look down at your motionless frame. 

“Not like I do.”

Just then, a large explosion goes off in the distance. Namjoon’s grasp on your figure never seems to falter as he bends down, shielding you from the glass shards shattering through the air. 

‘Perfect timing, my friend.” He claps his free hand toward a strange looking man, before hauling you up onto his shoulder, making his way out of the blown through wall. 

‘You’re insane!” You yell. A harsh slap to your ass is applied, along with a shushed tone telling you to be quiet. 

“No, No baby.” He sets your figure down, ripping a length of cloth from his shirt to tie snuggly around your hands. 

“We both are.” He caresses the side of your cheek, before you hit his hand backwards, spitting on his face. The anger was clear as day upon his face. 

“Wrong choice, baby.” He reaches into his pocket, revealing a plastic covered syringe. 

No.

No.

NO!!

“Namjoon please- Please just let me go and I can help you!” You beg, but it’s no use. He flicks the needle, before running a hand through your locks, shushing your shivering figure. 

“Shh, Shhh. It’s okay baby.” His lips meet the crown of your forehead, kissing softly. The sounds of guns firing in the background doesn’t help one bit. 

“Namjoon- Y-you don’t need to do this! Please!” you tried to scoot as far away from his as possible, but his strong biceps held you in place against the metal pole just outside the view of the asylum. 

“This could’ve been different if you had just listened to me.” He sighs, nearing the needle towards the skin of your neck. 

“Namjoon! Please!” you’re practically screaming this time. His free hand comes to cup the palm of his hand against your mouth. 

“Shhh, darling. Be a good girl for me.” A sharp pain rips through your neck. Everything begins to fade in and out. The last thing you see is his disgusting face plastered with a clown-like grin. 

Evil.

Pure, evil.

“My little Alice.”

©sweethearthigh 2022. Do not copy, translate, or modify my works with given consent from me.

#kim namjoon x you #bts #bts fanfic #bts fic #kim namjoon fic #bts yandere #yandere!namjoon #psychological bts thriller #kim namjoon #namjoon #Emotion #sweehearthighwritings #yandere #psycho killer #psycho!namjoon #bts imagines #bts angst

[brights-place]

Hii! If it’s okay, could I please request some hcs of Leif from MID with a motherly s/o?

The reader doesn’t have to be female, I just think that he deserves a nurturing partner after all that childhood trauma

Lief X Motherly! Reader

Pairings: Leif X Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Some angsty shit, mentions of Murder, Cursing A/N: Dude I can't agree more that Lief deserves someone to nurture him LIKE OMLLLLLLLLL! this man when Rhys and him had the argument and leif said "your not the only one who tells me that" I was so shocked - Leif had like a really SHITTY PAST DUDE - You were Ava's neighbor so you wanted to greet her the day after her interview - So having you be there makes him so confused how could you handle him? how could you handle his personality - Leif is a bit feisty but also very bold when it comes to things and leif can be shown to be slightly challenging and quick to assume things such as him instantly assuming Ava your BFF was dead when she was found to be unconscious. - Leif was shown to be dangerous as shown by the many threats towards Ava's life... yet you showed cared for him? you wrapped up him whenever he got hurt and would scold him - He first got pissed at you and thought you were challenging him on his healing abilities - but you were showing him kindness which most daemos find weak - You took care of Ava properly and made sure she was fine and all the daemos men called you Ava's head Lady in Waiting  - You were there in the morning helped and fixed her place as you took care of her. Ava saw you as a mother figure yes she has her own parents but having you was nice - You cared for her and showed her motherly attention and when you tried to show the other daemos that care - Violent tendencies come to him so he pulls out his sickles and would try to charge at someone so you have to restrain him the most and he gets pissy

- When Leif came across you he was immediately struck by your warm and comforting presence. - When someone gets your attention he gets defensive and would try get your attention back onto him - he has abandonment issues so he likes to be by your side but he doesn't speak up about it at all for example Ava was explaining how to put on the clothes for the others - You know how he likes poking ava with you its even worse he pokes but sometimes likes to touch diffrent parts of your bodies randomly. You could be washing dishes and he would pop up behind you touching your waist an then try to scold him but he's always far away - Even as a healer he finds it annoying how you try to patch him up - He likes to sharpen his sickles and shows it off to you as you just make sure he is alright - He likes to talk about him being a ex-assassin and flezes it as you tell him how cruel it was as he just stares at you - Believe it or not Leif respects you more than anyone in this world aka earth I mean- have you seen yourself? but he says he doesn't respect anyone - The group saw you punch a guy who tried to touch you and ava inappropriately due to being drunk the guy passed out with a singular punch - You gained their respect but when leif tried to join in on punching the male you dragged his ass away - he started to like you after awhile and would flirtatiously threaten you as you scold him like always which he enjoys - He smirks alot and I mean alot but he enjoys staring at you when you do things - You asked him about his past and he was hesitant and you apologized and told him when he was ready he told you anyway as you frowned telling him that he didn't deserve that -  you soon pointed out to him that distracting himself from his trauma by focusing all of his energy into his work killing started to become recreational for him as it was the only mechanism that could relieve emotional pain. - he became so dependent on bloodshed to keep him mentally stable almost as if it were an addiction - Leif would look away and scoff and tries to tell you off as you deadpan at him with an look 'Bro I know' - You give him ideas on how to relax himself as you give him plants for him to take care of due to noticing when you brought a plant to give to Ava he wouldn't stop staring at it - So you give him these plants to look after and explain they need light and water - He flexes it and says it was 'special' cause he tried to repeat all the facts you say about them so he seems smart - so when he watched one die after a couple of days he freaks out and rushes to ava demanding her to summon you cause you weren't there due to you being at work - You got off work and explained to Leif that it died due to not being taken care of so he makes sure to ask if he's doing stuff correctly which makes you confused how he is so calm - He has a short patience and would go off at a moment not like Asch but still has a short temper - threatens Ava for him to hangout at your apartment whenever you try to leave as Ava panics as you tell Leif to stop - You tell him that your just next door and come by whenever and he starts becoming an annoying pest - Ava would drag Leif to your place as others complain as Ava tells them to shut up as Ava knocks on your door as you open the door with a tired look wearing a face mask and your Pajamas wearing duck slippers and baggy sweatpants and a white shirt with a goose holding a knife in its mouth with bubbly words 'Peace was never the option' above it as Leif smirked at you.

- A sigh past your lips as Ava left to go to bed and leif entereed your apartment as you motioned for him to sleep on your bed as you were heading to the couch - This mother fucker decided to pull you into the bed and tell you to just sleep here as you warn him if he breaks anything your gonna tell ava - You fell asleep drooling onto bed unaware the leif clinged onto you enjoying the warmth you shared - it was weird how someone as caring and nurturing as you were caring for a blood thirsty ex-assassin - In the moments that you both have interacted with each other Leif felt something that he hadn't in a long time... Comfort

reblogs + comments are appreciated ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

©brights-place 2023 — do not repost on another platform, copy, translate or edit my works! if you fit my DNI list please don't interact

#daemos #demon men>> #Woman>> #my inner demons x reader #my inner demons #my inner demons Aphmau #x reader #headcannons #fluff #dating headcannons #Leif M.I.D #Leif my inner demons #leif my inner demons #leif X reader

[faeratil]

Because I have no one in person that I can rant to about my thoughts on Cinderella and the Four Knights (2016), you guys get to hear my thoughts.

First, I put this show on because I had just finished Tomorrow (2022), and I needed something sappy and full of cliché tropes to help distract me from the emotional trauma. I did my best from episode 1 to try and guess who was endgame for Eun Ha-Won based on all of the stereotypes and the way the interactions between her and the Kang cousins were written, and I feel like my original thoughts would’ve been a better ending.

Also with the way that the characters were written, they really should’ve called it Cinderella and the Three Knights because the fourth “knight” wasn’t even really written to be a Love Interest in spite of him being one of the best characters (until stuff happens with his mother and then it’s like being disappointed by your longtime crush and wanting to smack some sense into them).

My thoughts on the characters, though:

Eun Ha-Won

I love her. She deserves the world. She is an absolute ball of sunshine in spite of all the shit she’s had to deal with and continues to deal with straight through to the final meeting she has with Chairman Kang. I think she’s gorgeous, and I hate that she thinks she’s not pretty just because of how the Kang cousins treat her vs Park Hye-Ji. She honestly could’ve made it through the whole show without a Love Interest and I would’ve liked that more than the actual ending. She’s strong physically, mentally, and emotionally. She’s very smart and wants to use what she knows to teach others. She’s so very devoted to family in spite of how her stepmom and stepsister treat her, and even more so how her dad treated her. I would’ve tried to woo her myself if I had been in the show.

Kang Ji-Woon

The bad boy/bully type, the enemies-to-lovers trope, the stalker’s enabler. This man constantly looks like a crying wet puppy, but not in a cute way. He tries to look so sad and pitiful, and he’s an asshole from the get go. From the very start where he rolls his eyes and tries to give Ha-Won his watch when she asks him to apologize for not buying all the food he asked her to prepare at the convenience store, and then scoffs and immediately assumes she’d do anything for money (without considering the fact that she’s dead broke and needs money to survive). You think maybe there’s a redemption when he gives her a bouquet of white roses on the memorial day (I forget what the actual name of that day is called) of her mom’s death. And then you see him being a whiny puppy stuck to the second female lead, enabling her stalker tendencies and hating everyone who doesn’t immediately make Hye-Ji happy. He hates Hyun-Min so much that he also decides to pursue Ha-Won just to make him miserable when he thinks they’re engaged, not even caring about how it might make Ha-Won feel. He keeps doing sweet and caring things that make you think “oh she’s finally breaking down his tough exterior”, and then he just turns around and is an asshole again. He abandoned both Ha-Won AND Hye-Ji on the side of the road on separate occasions and then thought just saying “oh sorry” would fix it. I get that his backstory is sad, and I get that Chairman Kang fucked him over and basically forced him to accept the fact that he’s family, but it’s no excuse for the way he treats everyone else. Also, man needs to learn how to comb his hair and maybe take some allergy medication so his eyes stop watering and his nose isn’t always red.

Kang Seo-Woo

The unrequited love, the pop-star, the male best friend trope. I love him, and I hate that the writers barely gave him a chance. He tried so hard so many times to tell Ha-Won that he liked her. He did so many things to care for her, wrote love songs about her, used his status as a pop-star to help draw crowds away from Ha-Won when she was getting bullied by the girls who thought she was Chairman Kang’s mistress, was a genuinely kind person to everyone including Ha-Won’s best friend, and tried so many times to confess. I wish the writers would’ve taken just a couple more lines to have him say “no, Ha-Won, I’m not writing a love song right now, I’m telling you how I genuinely feel about you” and actually given her a chance to consider him. He saw how much Ha-Won hated the spotlight she got while everyone thought she was engaged to Hyun-Min, and he let pictures of himself in a girls uniform go viral just to stop more pictures of Ha-Won from leaking to the press. At any moment, he could’ve just done with Hyun-Min did and asked Ha-Won to play along with the rumors of them dating, but he actually considered Ha-Won’s feelings (glaring at you, Ji-Woon) and lied about his own feelings to protect her. If I had to choose between the Kang cousins, I would choose Seo-Woo.

Kang Hyun-Min

The spoiled rich kid, the playboy, the fake fiancé, the one afraid to actually love, the object of the stalker’s affection. I wish he had been endgame. They set it up so well in the beginning for him to be endgame. You could tell from the moment he saw Ha-Won beat up the assholes at the bar/party for not paying for the pizza delivery, he was developing feelings. He could’ve easily gone back on his bet with his friends and asked any other girl to go to Chairman Kang’s wedding with him, but he chose to go after Ha-Won, and even went all the way to the convenience store just to try and get her attention. His shock at hearing about BOGO deals with the ice cream was honestly cute, and he was kind enough to sit down with Ha-Won and enjoy the ice cream in spite of being raised directly under Chairman Kang (who makes it very clear what he thinks of anyone who isn’t rich), and he’s actually nice to her. At the beginning he still has that playboy attitude, but even after offering her money to be his date (and being turned down, good job Ha-Won for holding true to your values), he still tries. He picks her up for the wedding, opens the door for her, treats her the way a gentleman should treat a lady (win for chivalry!), and gives her a chance to feel as beautiful as she is. He also is very up front and adamant with Hye-Ji that he wants nothing to do with her, but she keeps showing up and trying to make him feel guilty for not still liking her after having a crush on her when they were NINE YEARS OLD, and it’s been 10 years (she bugs the hell out of me but we’ll get to her). Hyun-Min also is thinking of Ha-Won when he asks Chairman Kang and Secretary Lee to keep it secret from the other Kang cousins that Ha-Won isn’t his real fiancé, because he trusts that they wouldn’t try to pull anything on someone who was already in a relationship (fuck you Ji-Woon for taking that personally and making Ha-Won uncomfortable and confused). He keeps Ha-Won company so she won’t be alone, he goes along with her missions until his pride gets in the way, he buys her a whole wardrobe of clothes because she keeps wearing the same tracksuit for god knows how many episodes and just genuinely tries to make her feel comfortable and taken care of so she can focus on the things she actually needs to do instead of just surviving. I wish that he had seen Ha-Won when she got dolled up in that black and blue dress, he would’ve fallen for her all over again. Unfortunately, the writers decided that the “childhood lovers/first love” trope was more important for Hyun-Min and Hye-Ji, and they had him go back to her even though she was being a stalker after he repeatedly said no. Also hella power move that the heir to the Haneul group in his early 20s would go stand before a board of directors and his grandpa’s wife to save his grandpa’s company after being a slacker playboy up until he met Ha-Won. I love him. I wish he had ended up with Ha-Won. Fuck the writers for putting him with his stalker.

Lee Yoon-Sung

The “fourth knight”, the secretary to the chairman, the by the book character. They never even gave him a chance to be considered a Love Interest, so it kept bothering me that they called it “…Four Knights” and then only made 3 of them potential LIs. He is the most efficient and down to earth of all the guys, he does his job exceedingly well, he respects the absolute hell out of Ha-Won and tries his best to make the Kang cousins respect her as well, he’s a master of tae-kwon-do, he’s deeply loyal to the chairman until a bigger issue comes up, and he’s a very obvious fan favorite. I was very disappointed that the writers made him side with Madame Ji even for the time that he did because he had been so against treating her as his mother after she abandoned him with an abusive drunk father 12 years prior, but I am glad his loyalty to the chairman won out. Also very happy that they included him in their friend group at the end, my man needs to learn to relax (but not with alcohol… my emetophobia did not appreciate the end of the drunk dinner…).

Park Hye-Ji

The second female lead. I cannot stand her. I hate that the writers even included her past the first couple episodes, and I hate even more than they ended up letting her win with Hyun-Min. She’s a very “woe is me” character who acts like she’s entitled to everyone’s attention, especially Hyun-Min’s, just because he gave her a ring when they were 9 and her family got along with the Kang family before her brother died. This girl spends 10 years pining over Hyun-Min after she has not seen or heard from him AT ALL in those 10 years, shows up at his house unannounced when he returns to Korea from studying abroad, constantly shows up wherever he is in public and just looks at him all sad and pathetic like he belongs to her and is cheating on her, she’s been told by him numerous times in basically every episode that he does not want her around and that she should give up even to the point where Hyun-Min has to threaten to never acknowledge her again, she hates Ha-Won for being close to Hyun-Min and then later Ji-Woon, she jumps from guy to guy after Hyun-Min’s threat starting with Ji-Woon because she knows it’ll piss off Hyun-Min the most, she assumes anyone who is nice to her must be in love with her and feels personally attacked and betrayed when they’re like “no I’m just a nice person, I don’t have feelings for you”, blames Hyun-Min for her being so sad and depressed when she’s the one who can’t just fucking get over him from when THEY WERE CHILDREN, constantly tries to make moves and get close to Hyun-Min on the trip and after she moves into Haneul House, and then turns around and is like “I never want to see you again” when Hyun-Min tries to treat her more kindly and tries to explain why he was being such a dick to her. And yet they end up together. Because “childhood love/first love” was more important to the writers than the fact that they made the second female lead a self absorbed entitled stalker. The only thing that comes to mind that puts her in a good light was when she let Ha-Won spend the night, but even that was reluctant and she only started being nice after Ha-Won admitted that the engagement was fake. She should’ve just taken the fashion scholarship to Paris and finally gotten out of the Kang’s lives. If she was alone in a foreign country she might actually learn to rely on herself instead of always expecting Hyun-Min or Ji-Woon to come running.

Hong Ja-Yeoung

Seo-Woo’s biggest fan, Ha-Won’s best friend, an absolute cupcake of a character. I want her to be my best friend. It did annoy me that at the beginning of the trip, she left Ha-Won to do stuff alone just because Seo-Woo wasn’t joining them, but my girl has Ha-Won’s back in every other situation. She was even willing to support Ha-Won and Seo-Woo when the scandal article was published saying that they were engaged when they weren’t. She also was determined enough to get close to her favorite pop-star that she came up with a plan to help him escape his fan girls by wearing her school uniform, and she managed to sneak some photos of him crossdressing as well that he later used to help Ha-Won. She’s been there for Ha-Won through everything and did whatever she could to help even though she herself didn’t have much. I am so happy for her that she gets to be part of Seo-Woo’s management team in the end.

Chairman Kang

Classist asshole who values highly skilled and charismatic employees, but continues to treat them like trash if they stop acting like employees. For him, money buys everything including people, and he has almost completely forgotten what it’s like to actually care about someone until Ji-Woon is on his knees in tears begging him to give his blessings to him and Ha-Won, bringing up how the chairman made his mom leave his dad to remind him of the horrible mistake he made in the past. Chairman Kang talks all the time about wanting the Kang cousins to act as a family, but doesn’t even act like a grandpa to them. He acts like a dictator by threatening to cut them off from everyone and everything if they don’t do exactly what he says. He has good instinct not to trust Madame Ji towards the end, but you would think after 4 failed marriages he would have some way of blocking any future wives from trying to take over the company. I’m glad he finally gave Ha-Won his blessing, but just the wrong cousin.

That being said! In spite of the endgame love interest and the stalker, the interactions were pretty cute and it was entertaining. It was much needed after watching Tomorrow. I’m going to acknowledge that canon has Ha-Won with Ji-Woon, but in my mind I will always pair Ha-Won with Hyun-Min or Seo-Woo, and believe that Hye-Ji would actually go away (and STAY away) after Hyun-Min rejected her at the wedding.

#cinderella and the four knights #kdrama #long post #my thoughts #just my opinion #ignore me #I just needed to rant

[ptsd-phoenix]

January 3rd 2024

Writing this here for the record of understanding time on this blog when I read it back in the future. As well as logging my experience and seeing improvement in the future. Yesterday was the day I saw my abuser in the waiting room before my therapy. It gave a lot of adrenaline and different emotions but I dealt with it well. I was pretty scared for the rest of the day meaning my hyper vigilance was very active. I had to be in a grocery store after therapy and I was terrified of everyone there. I had to convince myself it was impossible for him to be there because as far as I know he can not drive a car and the public transport takes very long. I distracted myself with a show and also vented about it to some people because I kept remembering the situation and it had to get out of my head. I also ended up dissociating last night. I was trying to ground a lot and keeping myself from getting into flashbacks. I think I was able to prevent that as I do not remember having flashbacks. I did have nightmares about him but I forgot them because I overslept and was late for work which bothered me more than the nightmares.

In the moment itself I felt less afraid than last time encountering him when I was having lunch at the public place. Interestingly enough both those times my mom was also with me. I always go to therapy alone but my mom needed the car so she drove me to therapy. She actually noticed him before I did. It helped being able to talk with my mom and asking her if he was looking at me when he stood outside of the entrance for a while. I was very much avoiding eye contact but I also did look at him when he was turned away from me. I felt the need to observe him, both to check if it truly was him (which was pretty clear from first glance, but I had to know if it was my trauma playing tricks on me or reality) and to know if he noticed me. I wanted to know where he was going and if he showed any signs of having seen me. I think that was the only thing going through my head at the time: 'Has he noticed my presence? Is he aware I am here?' I was turned away from him hiding my face. He passed me perhaps like a meter away then stood at the entrance which was about 3 meters away from where I was sitting. There was only a glass door between us, but conveniently there was like a big stripe that perfectly blocked his face so I assumed my face was blocked for him in the same way. He was talking to a group of people. They went on a walk together as the group once someone working there got to the group so I'm assuming it was part of some therapy or perhaps just a group activity where people with mental illness do something together.

I felt secure in the building because I knew there was professionals nearby who knew how to help in case he would try and do something. This made me feel protected. I very much trust the people working there and I know especially the receptionist is badass and takes no shit. It was kinda nerve wrecking the amount of time my abuser was just standing outside that glass door, with me wondering if he would notice me. I figured me moving somewhere else would cause him to look because seeing movement makes people look at that direction. I kept very still and tried to just have my face hidden.

My psychologist came to get me in the waiting room very shortly after that and I told her pretty much straight away that he had been in the building. I went to try and look out the window to spot him but the group had already passed. My therapist turned off the lights in the room and asked if the blinds had to be closed. I said they could stay open and that the light could be on. I wanted to be able to see him. I guess I wanted to have that information on his whereabouts.

Nearing the end of therapy I saw a group approach towards the building and immediately spotted him. He did not look at the building, but I looked at him the entire time the group walked by. It was very weird for me seeing him walk there, not knowing I was looking at him. It made me feel very unsafe knowing he was in close proximity and had entered the building again. I was not panicking and kept pretty calm and collected. I did feel a lot of adrenaline and tension in my body. I also felt a lot of disgust. I also felt a lot of feelings arise that I have been dealing with lately where I victim blame myself and I make excuses for why what he did should be forgiven or was just a small mistake. Me and my therapist talked about why that was all very untrue and how what he did was horrible and not my fault and we talked about all his manipulation tactics and why I still felt that way about the situation because of how he manipulated me so much to believe his stories. She explained more about how abusers behave.

We also talked about how his actions are not excusable by his schizophrenia and how most of his behaviors are not explained by schizophrenia because they are not in any way symptoms of schizophrenia or psychosis. I also went in my head to collect a lot of evidence proving that the abusive behavior was part of him as a person and unrelated to his disorder. Especially the times where all his behavior was very planned out and calculated in advance as a set up. Which wouldn't happen if it was a sudden outburst of losing control. (and even in the latter case it would still be all his fault) My therapist also reminded me that with all she heard about my trauma and story that he would not be able to plead insanity for that considering the way it was all structured and set up and repeated. We also talked a bit about the reasoning behind his behavior and why he had done all of this to me. We settled on never being able to truly know exactly why. Just knowing it was planned and something he intended to do for whatever reason that may have been.

After therapy she offered to walk me out considering it was dark outside and I was afraid he was still around. My mother was there to pick me up which was also lucky that I didn't have to walk outside in the dark alone. We also got to talk about our mutual scare of seeing him there and we got to vent about the experience together.

I am very interested and kind of afraid to discover how I will feel in the therapy building (but especially also walking towards and away from the building) next therapy appointment. I was already wary of the building behind it because I know he has a history of being treated there, but I had never seen him in the building I get treated at. It is helpful that this week my therapy had been moved to a Tuesday, whereas I normally always go on Thursday. I am taking comfort in that and telling myself perhaps he is only ever there on Tuesdays. My therapist also said that schizophrenia and psychosis related disorders are treated on the second floor. He did come from upstairs when he walked passed me, so this checks out. This gives me a warning that I know to be careful when people come down the stairs. Sadly there is no space in the waiting room I could truly hide. Tho I have an idea of where my best option could be which is with my back to the entrance. My therapist said he will likely never be in the hallway where I have my therapy. It's just unlucky the waiting room is directly at the entrance.

If anything this was good exposure therapy and I feel I handled myself well considering the circumstances. I even joked to my therapist that I should have gotten the emdr light and placed it in the waiting room/window as he was there at the entrance/outside so I could do EMDR exposure therapy with him in direct view. Thinking practically I also now know what his current jacket looks like, so my brain has added this to the 'scanning for x features to perceive threats/danger level' database.. lol.

#phoenix posts non poetry #this was way more writing than i planned i litteraly meant to just say: i saw my abuser yesterday #but then i guess i wanted to log it more in depth because i dont wanna forget #and i want to be able to compare it to future encounters #which i dont want to happen but i know they will eventually happen again #and its my goal to get so strong that i dont feel threatened by him #phoenix healing progress

[ashthemadwriter-archived]

Hello so Idk if you still do match ups if you do please do this request i will really appreciate it. I wanted to ask for my bsd match up and for basic romantic and if possible nsfw that would make the really happy me😊

Appearance: I have dark brown(close to black) hair with dark brown eyes. I wear glasses and I am 5'6.

Mental issues: I have anxiety or call it trauma or whatever. Throughout my life I have been expected to live up to my parents and relatives expectations that I have forgot how my own personality was its like a facade now. I also have abandonment issues everyone I have ever given my best just used me and left me behind. I also lost my grandfather who was very close to me he die just after I left the house making me feel maybe If I was there i might have seen him for the last time. I also overthink a lot and it depends on the situations most of the times.

Personality: I'm quite the ambrivert I like to talk to people but only talks to the people I know most of the time or just go only to few new people. I an even temper person. I like adventures that will just make you scream fear though my parents rarely let me do them. I'm bisexual but prefer men more. I am bold and can control my emotions according to the situation. I love and absolutely adore murder mysteries and love weapons. I am goofy in nature or that is how friends describe me as. I care about those who are really close to me and I'm loyal to them as well. I love collecting black mail a out people and pranking them. I 'm also said to be a funny and dirty minded tease in my friend group. I'm very confident in what I can do and I remain calm in tough situations while thinking my plans through. My friends have told me that I am quite scary when I get mad which quite rare but they did said if I get mad all hell breaks lose. I'm also artistic. I'm am the chaotic mom in my friend group who does all the chaotic stuff and cares like a overprotective mom who will kill. I like to be alone when I'm sad but I love hanging out with my friends.

Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs

Format: Headcanons

Warnings: Nsfw content cuz you asked for it bae, Spoilers from the novel "Storm Bringer"

Word Count: 1.1K (I'm surprised didn't think it would be this long lmao)

A/n: I read your info and let me tell you, you really are a Dazai kinnie🚶🏻‍♀️

I match you with...

Chuuya Nakahara!

↳SFW

Ok first if all, you're going through a lot of shit lemme just give you a hug🥺💕It'll be ok...

btw you're female right? cuz if you're not then all I wrote for you was just a waste of time🚶🏻‍♀️

SO THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME BEING A SOUKOKU SHIPPER

But idk I think Chuuya would be a good match with someone with a personality similar to Dazai's, except for the mocking part cause it makes him insecure.

I think Chuuya used to be very anxious when he was a young, but he got over and learned to control it over time; So he relates to you. He knows what it feels like to constantly feel like something bad is about or happen, and he will try to help you feel better and learn how to control it like him, over time. He would tell you that it's ok and he's been there before, and you shouldn't overthink stuff cause you'll end up making a mess out of your mind. He will literally do anything to distract you from your problems, and would do all he can to help you solve them.

Abandonment issues? Well, Chuuya relates to you with his life. Almost everyone has left him behind, and it hurt him a lot though he always tries to hide it. His friends, Dazai, idk... They all betrayed him and he will never forget that. But Chuuya's loyalty has no boundaries. He will assure you that he'll stay by your side forever, through his words and actions. I don't think that you'll be scared of him leaving you once you spend time with him. He's loyal as fuck, so no worries on that. But please assure him that you're not going to leave him either; that you're different with those who used him and then left him behind like they've never knew each other before. He needs to know that.

If you've read the novel "Storm Bringer", you know that he relates to you about the death of your grandfather (I hope he rests in peace, I'm really sorry for your loss). Chuuya lost all his friends who were in a group with him in the mafia called "Flags" if I'm not mistaken. He didn't get to say goodbye to any of them... :")

You like adventures? So does he! Though you might not "Scream out of fear", because, well, you've got the strongest ability user with you. I see you guys going to multiple murder mystery parties on his day offs, and you'll definitely gonna Enjoy it because you get to see Chuuya's concentrated face which is rare to you cause he's always in a good mood, happy and smiling around you.

Lmao don't black mail Chuuya. He's a mafia executive girl. But I don't think he would know how to respond. I mean nobody dares to black mail him except for Dazai, and with embarrassing things, and also, you're his s/o; how is he supposed to react to this?

Ok when you're sad... Well, it is said that most girls want their man to comfort them even when they tell them to leave them alone, so Chuuya thinks you don't mean it when you ask him to give you some space and since he cares about you a lot, he tries to comfort you and ask you what's the problem, and that's when you snap out and tell him "YOU YOURE THE PROBLEM"

That's when you hurt his feeling and feel bad afterwards🚶🏻‍♀️

↳NSFW

So time for my favorite part-

Ok you have a dirty mind and you're probably into teasing too since you're a Dazai kinnie, so you make A LOT of dirty jokes to get him all flustered. At first his face gets all red and looks away so you don't see how much of a blushy mess you made him, but after a while, he gets used to it and will act out.

so youre like "Hm Chuuya, I wonder how you'd react when I scream your name while cumming on your tongue. Not that you're able to do that, since you're not that experienced"

I'm sorry I suck at dirty talking :')

You expect him to blush and just tell you to stop as always, but you see his lips curl up into a smirk and the next thing you know youre landing on the bed and he's on top of you, staring down at you with a smug look on his face.

"Oh really? Let's find out then"

You're like WHAT WHAT?

Ok so I believe that Chuuya is a virgin and you're probably his first one, but the man knows stuff. don't ask how, but he knows. And he's also a fast learner. He knows which parts will make you moan a little bit louder and where he should kiss and all due to your past sexes; And now that hes familiar with your most sensitive parts, HE'S GONNA MAKE YOU REGRET SAYING THAT.

HE'S GONNA MAKE YOU SQUIRT, AND NOT JUST ONCE

I AM TELLING YOU

I mean, Chuuya's short but we all know where his height went🚶🏻‍♀️

You're in missionary position, he's pounding into you with an unbelievable speed, staring at you with lust in his eyes while whispering dirty stuff in your ears which makes you blush even harder.

"Look at you doll, all shaking and needy for my cock. Where did your brattishness go, huh? You still think I can't make you scream like a cheap whore?"

Ahem, yes, he's into light degradation🚶🏻‍♀️

Gives the best orals. He will try to see how loud he can get you to moan by focusing on your clit, sucking it hard as his fingers thrust into you <3

Anyway when youre having trouble walking the next day,boy hes just so proud of himself.that sly smirk never comes off his face lmao

"So, I'm bad at sex, huh?" "Sh-shut up!"

Has really high stamina. I mean his body is so muscular and the guy is powerful af so-

BTW loves marking you up. Wants other people to know that you're his as he's kinda possessive, and he just likes to see a reminder of the wonderful night you had every time he looks at you.

Lmao idk why but I think you'll have sex on money too if you're into that cuz the man's REACHY REACHY REACH-

Anyway good choice if you wanna date him, because Chuuya is literally the best choice out of bsd men. He's not one to leave you and will treat you like a queen so... You're gonna be with each other till death tears you apart :) or you break up with him but we don't consider that🚶🏻‍♀️

I hope you like this and tysm for participating! btw if you ever wanted to talk about anything I'm hear for you <:

#My last match up post :> #AshTheMadWriter's 300 follower event #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd imagines #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs headcanons #bsd headcanons #chuuya x reader #bsd match up #Chuuya x you #Chuuya x y/n #Nakahara Chuuya x reader #Chuuya Nakahara x reader #Chuuya imagines #Chuuya headcanons #Chuuya hcs #Chuuya fluff #AshTheMadWriter #Chuuya smut #Chuuya Nakahara smut #bsd smut #nakahara chuuya smut

[samuraisharkie]

due to Life Shit I kind of stopped drawing much about a year or two after I graduated high school bc I just kind of didn’t have the time or mental/emotional/physical capacity to fit it in, despite art being something I really want to be a part of my career. It kind of makes me sick to realize how much muscle memory I lost just from that time (I had only about a year and a half total of absolutely no art but that was enough. doesn’t help that during that time I seriously injured my hands) considering I’ve been drawing my entire life. I really wish things had not gone that way and that I could have kept going, but expectations were on me to do something else and any time I sat down to draw was treated as wasting time. There’s also something weird about recovering from severe trauma that kind of adjusts how you engage with a hobby you used as a coping mechanism, which Art very much was. I almost never drew vent art, but I used it to focus on something and make myself happy and proud of work I actually could do, and once I was out of the environments that funneled me into drawing (being forced to go to church, school, anything involving sitting down for a long period of time) I found less time to actually have an excuse. Someone bought me a single college course of art classes right out of high school, and I think that was where I COULD have had the opportunity to really get started if I had actually had the money to continue and the college hadn’t been so far away. After that course ended I didn’t have that excuse anymore. I used to draw in DeviantArt and Discord art groups, but those began to fall apart and soon I didn’t have that option either. After that I doodled but didn’t really create Full Pieces unless some friend asked it of me, and it was never a commission bc I’d never trained myself to get that sort of shit done without taking too long, so I’d always do it for free. So even that wasn’t a big motivator eventually. Now that I’m struggling for work after becoming more physically disabled after COVID, all that time I could have spent honing my art skills so I could do SOMETHING with my art really is weighting down on me. I have the option to do freelance work, illustrations, pet commissions, even things like cards and cookies. I’ve seen these avenues open up for me gradually, but I’ve lost the skills I built up that I need to actually make something I’m proud of. I’ve taken to tracing old art to try and remember my thought process and my “style”… but my memory was bad BEFORE the covid, and it’s worse now, and my brain fog makes it hard to focus even if I could get back on the train of thought. I don’t remember the construction that would be in my mind’s eye. I barely can keep a clear vision in my mind’s eye anymore, worryingly. I never had a crystal clear imagination, it was always sort of abstract, but I could see the lines, I could construct a scene. Now I have to focus hard to get any sort of detail clear in my head. It’s like if you tried to look directly into someone’s face in a dream, or put in a prompt in neural blender. So I have to adjust to performing the entire thought process physically, slowly and tediously trying to figure out what I’m imagining before I can really get started. Those old art tutorials for constructing shapes and bodies and such just aren’t coming naturally anymore so I have to dredge deep into my mind to remember which advice helped “click” the best and knowing it might not do it this second time around. It’s like if you forgot how to ride a bike. It was something natural to you, you could even get started haphazardly and distracted and still be able to tell where you were going and not fall over or trip on yourself, but now it’s like you have to focus on each step and it constantly feels like it’s taking everything you have to not crash. I’m glad I can start drawing again, but it hurts that something so huge in my life has been turned into this. I’ve ranted about it before it’s just easier to notice when you’re not sketching out people’s pets or doing super stylized doodles.

#I didn’t know you could max out a ‘text block’ on tumblr also. my indication to stop LOL #long post #vent #kind of. I’m not like super angsty abt it I’m just sad that I have to spend more time remembering #instead of actually accomplishing anything with my dreams. I’m 26 and there’s 18 year olds living my fucking dream yknow #I know you don’t have a certain age requirement for art but I also know you never stop improving #and being set back before I was even proud enough to set prices for my work is kind of devastating #I just love art. I want to be an animator or something involve with creative concepts. #I want to make things I’m proud of. but what used to come easily now feels like chewing nails #the metal ones not the cartilidge. anyway #I know I’m kind of hard on myself but it’s hard not to be when you’re surrounded by people with such talent #and it feels like you’re running behind when you see people getting to their dreams so much sooner than you. #I know it’ll happen but it hurts sometimes remembering what I used to imagine id be doing at this age #and realizing past me probably had more of a chance at these careers than I do right now bc of brain damage and physical and mental issues #it’s not confirmed if I have brain damage but like. I can tell something is different. #it’s not like they’d be able to diagnose it by now or even that it’d change anything #I just have to keep going and keep trying. it’s just discouraging and frustrating #I wish I could summon all the memories from my brain back up so I could feel happier about my art #I’m happy to have the chance to start drawing again don’t get me wrong. I still like to draw. it’s just. #I can tell the difference between how it was and how it is now and it makes me mourn #ough I wish I still had a therapist lmao. Deb get the fuck back here you traitor.

[aftonfamilyvalues]

I genuinely need therapy, because my mental health is so bad like I trauma dump a lot and I don’t mean to and have a lot of compulsions and addictive behaviors and lack community… i act compulsively a lot. I need to sleep but I’m scared to and don’t really know how to let go/don’t feel safe enough to sleep, I’m constantly afraid of being violated, but it seems like for good therapy you need to pay out of pocket. I’ve never had a therapist in a clinic that wasn’t mediocre and project misogyny onto me and stigmatize me and judge me and make me feel worse, some have flat out been malicious and when I gave them feedback they didn’t like, they will blame me for their bad behavior and gaslight me. A lot of them have invalidated or even minimized my experiences being abused, even sexually abused. They’ll be distracted. I’ve spent a lot of time doing emotional labor (I think a lot of therapists are codependent.

I think a lot of women are socialized to give care but there’s a lot of misogyny in mental health. I was searching for feminist therapists on psychology today, just to see if maybe I could vet out someone who focuses on women’s issues because my trauma is a woman’s issue… I don’t need a therapist gaslighting me as to why I can’t get over my trauma and trust men, that’s not why I’m in therapy to heal so that I can jump into a relationship, I get so panicked when therapists do that because it’s so devaluing.

A lot of them aren’t grounded in reality, like when it comes to male violence and how the system works and ironically a lot I’ve had to explain how narcissism works… and one had never heard of negging; j feel like these are things a therapist should know. It seems like their only purposes is to label and perscribe medications and a lot actually don’t know how trauma works it’s bizarre?

I search and I see “kink positive.” This shit makes me want to die, like kinda feels hard to heal and find connection in a patriarchal system. I feel like I’ll never get out of poverty. Im going to be 32 in April and just now going to school, kinda feel like it’s hopeless hoping I can heal and have the life I want like it’s endless 😅

I’ve only found radical feminist spaces and actual feminist spaces helpful but I try not to trauma dump, sharing trauma in therapy is weird.

Since I’ve been around 4 I’ve wanted to die, I’d be terrified telling my mother I wanted to go home. She hated me for being a victim and denied any sexual abuse and acted so clueless; I blacked out most my childhood and she laughing shared with me that when I was 4 I was crying about wanting to go home. Like I was suicidal at 4 years old and I always hoped that would change but it only gets worse the older I get but then I’m also scared of dying.

Not sure what the point is when things keep getting worse; how do you find “your people” like sane people? I miss when feminism meant something, most people are untrusty.

It’s always felt like hell on earth and Tbh sometimes I miss being delusional and believing in god and heaven.

im sorry youve had those experiences. i think theres a strange over saturation of therapists nowadays. maybe not directly, but of people who really shouldnt be therapists. im thinking of the types of people ive seen want to go into/have gone into therapy and really, so many are not the types of people who should be trying to help others with their issues. i mean, my friend was forced to go to therapy in high school and the only feedback the therapist ever gave was "yeah, your life sucks, id hate to be you"

a lot of them dont really focus on healing but rather "fixing" especially with women. they dont want to validate you, they want you to be "normal" per se and to go back to be useful patriarchal cogs. i think theres a problem on therapists not recognizing where peoples trauma comes from. how can you help someone whose problems stem from poverty if you dont understand how poverty works? from misogyny and patriarchy? from racism? from homophobia? from the establishments which are built upon and utilize these oppressions? the worst are the ones indoctrinated by these systems, that work to strengthen them, like the "kink positive" ones you mentioned. all theyll do is push traumatized individuals, mainly women, back into traumatizing situations.

but overall, i dont really know how to answer your question. ive always had a sane dependable immediate family to fall back on. but there are people out there

#ask

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Okay, might be just me and shamelessly overthinking this (it probably is... it usually is???). Anyway. I keep going back to this week's episode and my brain goes brrrrrrr.

The point being: Buck and his tendency to keep busy/distracted.

Buck playing around with 'em 'saurs was certified some of the cutest shit to ever grace this show, but it got me thinking. Like, Buck's constantly keeping his hands busy, basically. And to me it felt not just like something very innately Buck to do, but also as a way to keep busy, maybe overplaying some nervousness he may genuinely feel.

In his mind, he seems very clearly focused on Eddie and offering advice and encouragement to look out for himself, but with his body, I just continue to get this vibe that Buck is basically all over the place. And that this is actually more reflective of where he is mentally and emotionally right now. And somehow, the dinosaurs had me think of that all the more because they felt to me like a visual cue to highlight that ambivalence.

To me, one of the recurring themes with Buck is that he'd much rather try to "fix" things for everyone else to keep the people he loves happy and safe. Which is not to say that he's the one exclusively doing it or that he seems to overwork himself physically per se. But. It feels to me like it was a "welcome" distraction (not that he welcomes his friends suffering, but he strikes me as someone who'll much rather jump on that and make it his sole focus than anything else).

He could focus on basically anything but his own feelings and the trauma he hasn't really addressed yet that came from seeing his best friend (love of his life) nearly die from being shot by a sniper. There was Maddie and Chimney, there was his girlfriend and her difficult family history, there's Christopher, and then there's now Eddie foremost. And next he'll have Bobby to worry about, too.

So I'm very curious to see whether that's gonna come to bite him eventually, too. Maybe not this season, but perhaps at a later point next season, when there is no "distraction" anymore. When it's really just him and all those things he basically only mentions in passing or jokes about. When he "deflates" and the pressure is gone, only to maybe realize that the pressure's what kept him upright before.

To me, that'd make for a neat storyline. But that may also be very much related to the fact that I'm huge on Buck whump lol.

Picking up on the mentions in passing and jokes another time... am I the only one who finds it kind of jarring that this seems to be back in full swing? Like, sure, he's always one to crack a joke, but I just keep getting those flashbacks to Buck Begins. When he recounted to the firefam what went on and keeps making "funny" comments whereas everyone else shows a more "matching" emotional reaction (i.e. being sad and shocked and feeling empathy for him).

It's been a habit and coping mechanism for him before, and I'm curious to see if the writers want to pick up on that by having him crack jokes and easy-going comments about his own traumas more frequently.

I mean, Buck recounting during therapy session with Dr. Copeland that they figured he's got trouble sharing his true feelings... it's just constantly on my mind when I see and hear him joking, deflecting, distracting himself from his own problems. So I'm aching to find out whether that's something they'll expand on more in the future. Again, it'd make a very interesting storyline for me personally.

That being said... Buck:

May you soon find healing (in the arms of your husband-to-be) and let your life be graced with all the 'saurs you want to play with. You earned it.

#911 season 5 spoilers #911 spoilers #911 season 5 #buddie #evan buckley #evan buck buckley #let the random ramblings continue #actually don't #but I can't #so yeah #you gotta live with it #bye

[pineappleciders]

Hello!! i really hope i'm doing this right :]

Id like to request an omori pairing!!

My name is Raymond, and Im 14!! I'm a trans male, use he/him/it/its pronouns, and am (questioning) Pansexual, so feel free to match me w/ anyone!! I'm also an intp. I have adhd so please don't mind if anything i say conflicts itself (I tend to be SUPER different at certain times for no reason due to my impulsivity)

My interests are writing, drawing, generally being artsy, volleyball, videogames, reading, and dancing! I tend to change interests often, but those are the ones that usually stay the same!

I typically bounce from one interest to the next, and usually get very angry at myself for losing said interest.

As for personality, i'm usually quite moody, but am typically tired/upset/angry. I'm shy around people I don't know, but i basically consider my friends family. I usually don't make friends easily, so i just stick to my small group.

When i'm upset with someone, i'll usually make it known by either lashing out at them, or just being petty. I hold grudges easily, and have a VERY strong sense of justice.

When in public I tend to be very loud. Most of my classmates who aren't close to me would describe me as annoying. Others may see me as violent, or as constantly mad for no reason (this is the truest thing anyone has said about me). When I am with friends, I tend to be less "annoying" and more like them. I can adapt to fit others personalities and interests. When it comes to social situations, I usually have a "fake it till' you make it" mentality. I typically act childishly, but when I need to do something, I can totally be serious about it.

I tend to space out WAY to often, leading me to missing most important things, so I may seem airheaded/dumb, but i'm not. I'm very clever, and can usually work out most problems on my own.

As for romance, I'm typically awkward with that kind of stuff. It's easy to tell when I have a "crush" from the outside, but those feelings are always platonic. I feel the need to love somebody, but I don't feel attraction to anyone.

I try my best to hide most of my more spontaneous moods/emotions as to not be seen as weird by others.

(HOLY SHIT THIS TURNED INTO A RAMBLE IM SOSOOSOS SORRY 😭)

A/N: don't worry about it!! i actually quite enjoy when people get to talk about themselves and it also helps me make a more accurate matchup so dont sweat it <3 also sorry if this is written weirdly or sometjing i weote this on the toilet and i don't act right wuen im shittinf.

I MATCH YOU WITH...

RW KEL!!!

now i'm gonna be honest i was reminded a lot of aubrey so my first instinct was to match you with kim but i dont want to be lazy

again, i'm getting some sun & moon vibes

KEL really doesn't mind your moodiness. he might get a little insecure if you lash out at him or act uninterested, so it'll help if you reassure him every now and then that it's not his fault

if you're feeling down, he tries to cheer you up, and i feel like as time goes on you two would kinda,,, help heal each other?? like his sunshiney would rub off on you sometimes

alas, you two grow closer and closer and both of you might start to let your walls down. KEL begins opening up sometimes about his trauma and how he feels bad about himself, and you might talk about your emotions and what's hurting you, and perhaps even get a little soft

more specifically, you get a soft spot for KEL. it becomes a little difficult to be angry when a literal ball of sunshine is around

seeing KEL be so vulnerable to you makes you do it too, and you become more honest about how you might be feeling (and he really appreciates it!!)

when it comes to new people, he'll often do most of the talking as he knows it might not be your thing

KEL spaces out a lot too, and is easily distracted, but similar to you he isn't actually stupid.

in KEL's world, he finds it easier to let on the appearance that he might be a little stupid. and, maybe 4 years ago maybe he really was air-headed. but, things have changes, but he's always found that people are less disappointed when he fucks up if he acts stupider. so, that's what he does.

honestly? KEL doesn't really mind if your attraction to him is romantic or platonic. he feels the same way too, not really sure what he's feeling, but either way he knows that he wants to be with you, and he doesn't really care for any labels or anything. so, if you don't want to, there's no need to label your relationship as partners, or just friends!! all that matters to him is that you're together.

sometimes if you push him away or tug on his ear in annoyance, he'll just walk it off and not retaliate or anything. he isn't like... socially submissive or anything he just doesn't care for revenge

like you, he also has a strong sense of justice, and will strive for whatever he thinks is right, even if sometimes he misses the point and does something wrong (when this happens, it often makes him feel really bad about himself)

volleyball? basketball?? they both have ball at the end, so same thing, right? he teaches you basketball, and you try to get him to play volleyball, but he fucking sucks at it

he likes your creativity! always inspecting your drawings and writing, always calling it the best he's ever seen (even if it's dog shit. he's not saying it to make you feel better, he's saying it because he believes it)

you beat him in every video game and he sulks in the corner

#omori #omori matchups #omori matchup #omori kel #kel omori #kel x reader #omori kel x reader #kel omori x reader #omori headcanons #omori x reader

[mikuni14]

La Pluie and Step by Step are shows that send me a lot of conflicting signals. 

I see these shows trying to present themselves as something new and unique and mature (I think?), and at the same time ruin even the best scenes and moments with the silliest / oldest romance tropes. Without the classic BL tropes these shows would be real adult productions for adult viewers but I can't take them seriously because these shows just couldn't resist some old and boring shit like love triangles, "handsome and rich v cute and dorky", "there was only one bed", literal interpretation of soul mate concept, misunderstanding, lack of communication, etc. Step by Step tries to be a show for adults, but for me, because of a lot of stupid and comedic scenes, it's actually pretty silly, it’s a classic Thai BL drama, and tbh the characters are mentally at the level I would expect from a high school romance. La Pluie is a series that I thought would like to take a modern approach to the soul mate idea, but after 7 episodes, for me, this is a production that takes this concept literally. Phat and Tai are absolutely in love with each other as they’re supposed to be following the very core of the soul mate idea, and I feel that Lomfon, as well as Saengtai's trauma conveniently appearing and disappearing when the plot needs it, are just a temporary distraction from "the beautiful and glorious idea of destined lovers". 🙄

I can't take Step by Step seriously because neither Jeng nor Pat have ever been shown having dilemmas about their rapidly growing infatuation and their huge  power inbalance. Jeng, in particular, focuses on pampering and spoiling Pat, with absolutely no thought about actually having the romantic and sexual relationship with his subordinate at their work place. And since they slept together in the same bed, which is something unimaginable to me in the real world and possible only in a very silly romance productions, there's no way I'm taking this show seriously :) The "maturity" of this show should be about two people in unequal positions, who are in love with each other and HOW THEY DEAL WITH IT. There should be numerous problems and issues to handle, like money, career, gossip, family, co-workers, HR reactions... because that's how life actually is. Jeng doesn’t think about it, Pat still treats Jeng as one of his options. Like...????? 

And I can't take La Pluie seriously either, because the show lost me when Saengtai, hating and not trusting the idea of soul mates, becomes pretty cool with it the moment he discovers that his soul mate is handsome. Notice how since then Saengtai proudly introduces Phat to everyone around as his soul mate. Not as a new friend, maybe an object of interest, a potential boyfriend, not even as Phat - ALWAYS AS HIS SOUL MATE.  To all the old and worn-out tropes like destined lovers, lack of proper communication, hiding inconvenient facts (for the greater good of course) the show now added "one of the MLs is being kissed by someone else and of course second ML enters this scene, then runs away when he sees it" and the overdramatic and long way of shooting those kind of scenes. UNLESS Phat really let his ex kiss him for so long, and it's not just prolonging the kiss scene for more drama 🤔 Because Phat didn't push his ex away right away, he didn't stop the kiss immediately. This kiss takes a while... And now there will be another drama and of course it will turn out to be another big misunderstanding and it will be about Tai being over emotional in his reaction to someting insignificant and easy to explain and I’m just tired 😴 *deep sigh* *remembering fondly how Jiu resisted Mat and immediately run after Tian to clear up the misunderstanding right away and that was just a soap opera*

Also, the funniest thing is, that in any other show, the way Saengtai stares at, talks to and how he acts towards Phat's ex girlfriend would be considered love at the first sight 😃 I know it’s not intentional and the series was just trying to mess with Saengtai, make it more painful when he will finally see That Kiss, but it only means to me, that they haven’t really thought this series through, because it honestly looked like he was into her :D

Anyway, to me, both of these shows pretend to be something they're not, they're just classic BL shows using old and often irritating tropes when they don't really have to. And yet, from time to time, they manage to sneak in very good ideas, interesting and truly innovative scenes and themes. And these are the mixed signals that these shows send me: silliness, comedy, old tropes, the inability to leave behind the roots of BL series mixed with the still untapped potential of being something new, interesting, innovative, which unexpectedly breaks through from time to time.

#step by step #la pluie #thai bl #bl drama

[indistinct-office]

tw // uh nsfw mentions and suicide and general mental illness stuff idk

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i love fukuzawa sm but idk if id rather him mentor me or fuck me

i think i should die to be honest im sad dude ill cry i wonder if i have a dissasociativive disorder like. depersonalisation seems concerningly familiar well like it makes sense of course derealisation and deperasalisation

idk how to spell but they make so much sense. on the other hand one must consider that i am evil and pathetic and dont deserve an explanation for my feelings nope im jsut bad and should die. but apart from that

im tired man. im very tired i want to cry. i also. cant seem to move



so idk if i have dpdr or im just tired or have executive dysfunction everythings very confusing im trying

why

and is it unreality or is it me philosophising or

whats going on i know no one else knows i dont i feel like i have never been a person i feel like a mirror more than anything i dont know and feelings are so complicated i want to cry and i dont understand whats going on and im so sick of myself but i cant seem to stop and everything i say feels like a lie and i cant remember anything i feel like im fading also how is it almost 11pm

i feel like i dont have any agency and

like if someone has moved the content of this image way to far off the edge

and i dont know if the whole "i dont feel like a person" thing is dpdr or succh strognly engrained self loathing or a combination of both or me making excuses for being lazy or i dont know and it always has always felt like there are too many people in my head. whcih sounds yk. not great. and it isnt but then what if ive convinced myself that i have dpdr/whatever because i just want a label and something solid or i dont know but no i think i do and who is i anyway who am i referring to ive been through this so many times before and nothing changes nothing has every changed and nothing will help

and i know it sounds like im having a panic attack because i am but this is how it feels all the time

oh

i used to joke to myself that my brain was either so full of thoughts it hurts or completely empty and full of fog but that might be dpdr

like, anxiety/trauma or dissacociative

oh no

but idk i havent really had an trauma what if im making this up just because i want my friend to know whats wrong with me and me to get better and have a nice little storyline and get better

it feels like whenever im lucid im in pain

ha. well. thats a thing now i guess

im so tired of this. but its all good its fine. i cant even self harm properly

what if the reason im so anxious all the time is because im scared of why im doing something

it feels like im comingn to some big resolution but what if im just convincing myself of that so i can feel good but everything will stay the same? there are dried tears on my laptop and they look like stains of cum

oh no i think i might be dpdr. like. when /that/ happened. i distracted msyelf and felt "usual" and then i was reminded of it and it hurted so much

oh no oh fuck what

well. theres that i guess

yeah no im pretty sure i have uh depersonalisation/derealisation disorder. it makes a lot of sense. at last the puzzle of the self is completed and im better and everything is fine /s

no wonder i relate to will wood and jreg so much.

there is now the issue of

a) who the fuck am i

b) what the fuck do i do now

uh i need help i think ( yeah no shit )

it really does feel like there are hundreds of people living up in my brain

im scared about what i should do next.

i have to go to london tomorrow

no wonder i find it so hard to explain my thinking process and emotions. of course. it makes sense now

im posting this so theres some external record of what happened today. but this is basically a diary entry so yknow.

#depersonalisation and derealisation

[esresblog]

Since I am going through one, I'm going to write about how depressive episodes feel for me. I had been feeling recently like I was faking everything again; this happens to me pretty often. I never feel like anything I'm going through is real, I always think that I'm just a horrible person who wants to trick people into pitying me for mental issues I don't have. However, I've been trying not to feel this way by going on that one fake disorder subreddit, just to see people being morons and uploading it online. I feel way better this way, cause I realize that they are so much worse than anything I could ever be.

It's just that, well, even though I've went through three different therapists and a psychiatrist, they all put excuses like "you don't want to know your diagnosis" or "I'm not allowed to tell you" etc. Which I think it's really stupid, because one of the worst triggers for me was feeling like no suffering would ever be enough, and that usually led to me sabotaging my life and emotions more to feel like I deserve to be miserable. That's not really healthy and I've been told it's a trauma symptom on itself, yet nobody seems interested on helping me with these doubts.

I did get a person once that had generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder next to my anorexia nervosa diagnosis, so that's when I really felt like I could claim that I actually have them, yet even that makes me feel like it wasn't enough and I'm tricking professionals now. I hate myself.

Anyway. I think a couple of people were curious about my thought process and everything, so I was going to write about my depressive episodes or triggers and that weird shit. I mean, it's nothing special really? They aren't really as bad as they go because I'm forced to go to school, shower, etc., and I still do, but when it hits me that hard it's genuinely so painful. It's the most soul breaking feeling I've ever experienced, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't really know how to put it but it feels like everything is crumbling around me. Like my head is too heavy for me to carry, my arms can't really be lifted and my legs just want to give up and bring me down to the floor. I've never experienced such pain on my heart as when I'm deep into one of these; my chest literally aches and burns and I can feel it all the way up my throat. I can barely speak or I'll break down, I'm shaking and trembling, my teeth are applying pressure on my mouth, my face is pale and my eyebags are even darker than normally. It's like I get the life sucked out of me. I feel like a broken porcelain doll whose skin has been cracked and whatever is inside of it is leaking out. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to play my comfort games, or draw or anything. If I ever do, it's usually to try to distract me from the bad thoughts that always tag along.

But usually I have no energy; I can almost feel my brain rotting and melting and dying for those days / weeks / months. All I do is lay in bed, lock my body over my cushion or plushies, listen to sad music so I can get some tears out and cry bitterly while I try not to be heard. I can't even begin to express how bad it gets sometimes, I swear I feel like it's not only a mental illness but also a physical one. It weakens me like a fever and even getting up to go to the bathroom is such a big effort, comparable to any annoying quest in the hardest video games. That is, if my parents didn't already scream at me to do the things I hate, and didn't get mad at me when I look sad. Because studying or going to class while feeling like your soul is crumbling into pieces is not really nice, to say the least.

So to fix that little problem that only makes everything worse, I always end up acting like it's all just fine and I just feel a bit physically sick. Since they know that my physical body isn't really the healthiest either they always buy it. But it's so hard to keep the emotions act up, and just appearing happy around others just so they don't make you feel more miserable and gross that what you're already feeling. It's also so mentally draining to just literally pretend for hours and hours everyday, just being in the presence of people makes me gag and want to be dead. Sometimes I don't want to go out with friends for weeks on end. And when I do (which is usually to avoid silent treatments from family or because I'm just plainly forced to), I also need to put a smile on, or at least some concealer on my face. Sometimes what's even harder is to stop the happy act, because you get so used to it that your brain just automatically escapes to that fake scenario. Also because I despise myself so much that the mere thought of making someone put some effort in for me disgusts me and makes me feel so guilty and miserable, and so I need to appear like I don't need any help at all. Thankfully I'll learn how to stop that mentality soon; although I think I'm already making progress on it, so hopefully people will notice when I am kind of on the verge of another mental breakdown and I shouldn't be bothered with any more draining emotions.

Nevertheless, it really feels like my brain is not only trying to mentally kill me but also physically obliterate me, and that is not a pleasant thing to experience, even less for several weeks or months straight. Even in those episodes I have highs or lows, and I'd say I'm in a high right now since I have been energized enough to study a bit and play videogames with my friends, yet that void is still very obviously here with me. Low lows though, oh my god. Imagine not being able to breathe because you've been crying for three hours straight, your pillow is soaked of tears and snot and you're full of sweat produced by just those shaking movements. The other day I couldn't keep still, I just kept moving and flipping around and shaking my arms and punching any hard surface while biting my mouth wishing to stop because there was someone on the other line that was getting really concerned about me. That point of wanting to rip your hair out and stab your stomach to feel some mental peace for at least a few seconds. Oh it's such a painful feeling. You want to be reduced to nothing but dust and dirt .

It's really hard to explain in general, but I feel it in my head, like a dark cloud that partially blinds me. It's also kind of obvious because I find myself wanting to harm myself over the stupidest shit, and having suicidal thoughts over absolutely nothing. I usually sleep to have a clearer vision in the morning, because even a broken pencil carbon might drive me to the edge if it's a bad enough day. But even in "good" days the good things don't excite me as they should, the bad things hit way harder and I cannot process any negative emotions whatsoever without suffering the consequences, which usually end with at least two days of me drowning in the most absolute and desperate misery. I can also feel it in my stomach. Moving around. Blocking it. I can't eat. It stops my body functions. Maybe I eat too much. I also can't sleep well Or I sleep too much? I don't really know anymore, it just feels so restless. Everything feels restless. Me, the world even feels restless. I don't stop either sleeping or just resting on my bed, not doing anything. I don't move for days on end, I don't exercise and I don't think, I just isolate inside myself, yet my body feels so tired. I can't shower, barely eat, I can't brush my hair, I can't get to change my clothes. My own self is damaged, broken, worn out. If my meds are actually doing something, I can't imagine how bad these would be off them. And there's nothing I can do about it except wait for it to go away.

Honestly though, the medicine I take are antidepressants and antiobsessives, so they're supposed to help me with my obsessive thoughts and patterns and let me relax without this compulsive urge of following whatever my head dictates. However, it still feels so bad when I don't. Particularly, my most obsessive thoughts are usually about food, school and pain. My eating disorder goes specifically for the first one. That's another story really. In that aspect it is helping because I'm doing way better with my obsessions and food rituals. But my sense of self worth is still so distorted due to my accomplishments, body image and how valid I think I am. Sometimes I get triggered by an action, video or memory and I feel so trapped in it, as if I was back in that moment and I can't escape, and I need my comfort things, safe space or just whatever coping mechanism works to get out of there. Usually if it's really bad, nothing will really do. This is where things get a dark turn. Usually my head will start to hurt and everything spirals around me, my thoughts are all over the place and I can't make up a simple sensible pattern on them. All they tell me is destruction and violence and death and the end, and it's genuinely so pathetic and it sounds so edgy and dramatic, but I see red everytime. I can't control it. I don't know how to explain it at all. But I need to punch the walls until my knuckles are peeled, I need to hit myself until I get knocked out, or get burnt with hot water, get scratched with the sharpest nails or get ugly cuts all over myself, maybe get badly beaten or stabbed by someone who deeply hates me, maybe that someone should be myself. It's such a difficult feeling to express, yet it lives within those downs and it brings such impotence and desperation that all I can think about is how much I want it to be over. How much hatred I have towards myself and how much I desire that pain I deserve, or that ugly end to any suffering. Nothing is worth it. Nothing is of use. No matter how many 10s I get in glass, no matter how many funny videos or pretty pictures I draw, no matter how many hearts I can open or how many people open mine, I can swear that in those moments of absolute darkness all I can think about is to silent this voice in my head. Voice that comes with me every place I go, laughs at every fear of mine and repeats every sentence I despise to hear. It likes to remind me of my horrid insecurities every passing day, loves to flutter around while I rot because my own brain reminded itself how much it wants to stop existing. Because no matter how awful, heartbreaking and soul wrecking my sadness and anger are, nobody is going to believe it or validate it and I have to live with the knowledge that I will never be taken seriously. Because I have been experiencing that for at least four years. Because there is simply not point in trying anymore.

Now I vent when I want to, cry to the only people who are willing to listen and just swallow it until I'm able to fully express myself and leave behind this stupid fucking debilitating illness that everyone takes as a joke. Because I'm so fucking done with jokes. If anyone wants to laugh, they should go to my grave.

That's all.

[screwstontx]

ight this is the confession of my major flop

so im lookin back at convs w/ my ultimate best friend & HOLY FUCK

lemme tell you about the time i got addicted to ecstacy

when my ex girl n i were rocky af & about to call it quits, (a.k.a. when i was trying to be released from the shackles of her toxicity) i didnt know how to cope w/ any of the mental, emotional, financial, or physical abuse that she inflicted onto me. it was impossible for me to get out of the circumstances i was in bc she was very manipulative & would threaten to harm herself to the tenth power if i did even so little as spend only half an hr w/o her- & having "me-time?" psh. forget about it! so i turned to poppin pills. around her. (bc where else) she'd warn me of the dangers blahblahblah well maybe that was my whole point! i wanted to fucking die. i truly. believed. i would be happier six feet under the ground than spend another waking moment w/ her.

i have always absolutely loooooooathed the smell of smoke even before i met her bc of how it lingers in my hair even after i wash it so there was no way i was gonna lay a finger on cigarettes let alone marijuana bc both of those shits stinks.

i mean whynot do "hardcore" drugs in front of her? she would intentionally blow smoke in my face all the time knowing how much i hated it. before you ask: she didnt allow me to excuse myself while she smoked. she would force me to sit right. next. to. her. even when she would "go outside" to smoke, she'd leave the door wide open to keep an eye on me & also so she could exhale indoors toward my direction. there was no escaping it.

anyhoo, i didnt have enough to go around bc the supplier got busted by the dea for cutting it w/ fentanyl so i used it very sparingly... every. single. day.; every. single. hour.; every. single. minute., all i could do was think about when my next high to suppress the trauma would be. not even working overtime could distract me. i used to think, breathe, & live it. i was on the cusp of getting ready to throw my whole life away bc i. truly. did. not. see it going upward from there. it was pathetic. i knew that if i didnt find closure w/ x fast, my life was gonna down the wrong path. suuuuuuper quick.

it's so bizarre to think that this was only in jul-nov