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binniesthighs · 3 years

Text

call me babydoll | reader x chan

a/n: cuties!! hehe we’re finally getting...a couple things in this chapter that i’ve been wanting to share sooo bad! i added question marks to some of the tags to make it more of a surprise! i love hearing what ya thought of it! hehe <3

Five

Pairing: self insert, (?) x female reader x bang chan

Genre: action, mystery and suspense, fluff, smut and angst

Tags: (of this part) bodyguard au, secret agent au, royal au, moderndayprince!chan, secretagent!reader, secretagent!jeongin, secretagent!jisung, collegestudent!seungmin, royal!minho, informantandclubowner!changbin (loll thats so long), (?)!felix, skz side characters, adventure and mystery, action and peril, plot driven, running out of time, slow-ish burn, growing feelings, sexual tension, explicit language, mentions of alcoholic drinks and getting drunk, hehe bit of smut/suggestive content (tags omitted for surprise--nothing crazy to tag tho hehe), maknae line are my sons in this fic, binnie in this fic can fkn take me lol

CWs: sizable shoot out in public club with several people involved, presumed that people die because of this event, lots blood and other wounds such as gunshot wounds, mentions of drugs (both recreational and hard drugs) mentions of weapons such as knives and guns--the whole scene is violent

Word count: 8.5k

Parts

ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE

“Five years later and I’m still tying your ties, F. Some things never change.”

Jeongin cracks a smile, simple and cute, much like the man himself even when he has a handgun glued to his hand.

“It’s still a harder task than some of the stuff that they have us doing. Not gonna lie.”

You smooth down your partner’s lapels where he’s pinned a small pin of the ticking clock. While others would wear crests, the insignia that bonds you to the younger man is this this small instrument. He’s quiet while he watches you fiddle with his silk blue tie that compliments his snow white hair perfectly.

“Are you nervous for tonight?”

Your partner upkeeps his stoic façade the best he can, but tonight there’s something different about him. His silent answer speaks louder than he could ever admit. On the queen sized bed, Seungmin kicks his perfectly shined shoes while flipping through the channels of the TV with a staticky sounding click. Jeongin lightly brushes his hand over the diamond dangling earrings that twinkle as they are supposed to from your ears--likely they’re crystals, not the more expensive jewel.

“I’m not nervous,” He finally sighs, but there’s a bit of a crack to his voice. “I trust you. And Two. I’m trying to focus on that.”

“It’ll be fine.” You assure, “White Rabbit must have his own security that would be at his beck and call. If anyone shoots at us, they’re shooting at him. We’re not alone.”

The young agent nods, then gives a little slap to the college student on the bed. “Get up. We’re leaving. Remember what I showed you?”

Jeongin draws from the bedside a small handgun. It’s more decorative than protective, but still fires bullets that could save his life.

“Keep it in your breast pocket. Make sure that no one sees it. We don’t wanna cause a scene.”

Seungmin’s eyes widen as he feels its weight in his hand. “Got it. I hope I don’t have to use it.”

“Me too,” You give the youngster a soothing smile. “And remember, don’t tell anyone your name. When you’re in there, your name is S. Better yet, it’s best not to interact with anyone.”

He nods, then slides it into the thin fabric of his coat. The young man looks considerably more dapper with The Agency’s clothes: a deep purple velvet two piece with silver cufflinks decorated with white roses--another symbol that you’ve grown familiar with.

The prince saunters up to the bedroom with a slick tap at the opened door. He oozes with regality; not like you expected any less. The royal has dressed himself magnificently without the aid of his help once more: a pure black silk suit with a smart pressed white button up that’s spotless with not one crinkle. The while shirt itself is adorned with two thin silver chains which stretch across his lower torso. At the neck where the shirt meets its last button, there’s a floral brooch: one more more white rose for good measure.

“Wow!!” Seungmin respectfully bows. “Your Highness, you look--”

“--I didn’t fuck up the hair, did I?”

Chan grins as he brings his fingers through his newly colored hair; its much lighter than his dark locks had been before: now a shade of tawny brown. The change to his appearance had come at the request of the palace who suggested that he try to conceal his identity even further as to not arouse suspicion.

“Handsome as ever, your Highness.” You sneer out the compliment.

Since the previous night had turned sour, seeing eye to eye with the prince had become harder to do. It was a wild confliction of feelings when you thought more and more of it. With every glance that he would throw in your direction, along with way that he had stared at you all through breakfast, you couldn’t meet him. You felt as if you had borne a wound for him to see, for him to poke at--the secret kind that was best kept to yourself--and he had dug his finger in; he had laughed.

The prince tilted his head, and you met his eyes for the first time since then. There was a softness about him when you knew that he was inspecting you. You knew you must’ve been overthinking it--and that was what made it so dangerous.

“Looking stunning as always, Bee. I knew that you would wear that dress well.”

You let the words, “Thank you,” leave your tongue before toying with the small handbag provided to you. As always, your thigh holster held steady under your dress.

Four clicks at the suite door sounded, startling nearly everyone in the room, revealing everyone’s nerves which they had denied.

“That’ll be Lee Minho.” Chan announced.

Two answered the door in his own costuming. The two men bowed upon meeting, a usual meeting between strangers. The agent lead him to the room, and the royal buttoned his own suit properly.

“Good evening. It’s a pleasure to meet you all. I’m Lee--”

“--Minho.” Jeongin dryly cut, “We know who you are.”

Luckily, you and your partner shared the same apprehension.

“I’m Fox. You’ve met Bee. The young kid is S, he’s a new agent. The quiet one that let you in is Two.”

Minho bowed politely with a slight blush. “You weren’t kidding when you said that you were well protected, Your Highness.”

Chan chuckled in response then clapped the other royal by the back.

“You look amazing,” Minho said to the prince who shooed him away with a humble hand.

“You as well.”

Chan sized up the royal who indeed looked like one. His suit was a simplier charcoal grey with pinstripes with a white undershirt that ruffled at the collar. Not typical of the royals that you knew, he also wore dangling silver earrings that would have never passed the royal standard for professionalism. However, it made sense considering that he had been of a lower rank.

“Now that we’ve got the formalities out of the way, shall we head out?” Chan put a very obvious hand to the lower back of Lee Minho while checking with the rest of the group. “It’s best not to keep him waiting?”

Your partner nodded and ushered the group out while giving his body one more pat down to ensure that all concealed weapons were in place. Two checked the assortment of knives tucked discreetly into his own jacket. The man had some kind of wicked and unidentifiable grin while he felt the metal against his fingers. You exited at the rear, feeling a hand tug at your arm.

“--Bee, I’m sorry about what happened...I’m...I hope that you can understand my motivations as to why I said what I did, it didn’t seem like the right time--”

“--There will never be a right time.” You tore your arm free. “Your Highness, what happened...that was a mistake on my part. I acted out of line. There will never be a right time because...I’m your guard, and you’re my prince. Do you understand?”

“But Bee--”

“--End of discussion,” The words burned in your throat seeing the way that he had looked at you just then, and it was clear that he definitely didn’t understand.

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

You had heard that the White Rabbit had been a prideful man--this was now an indisputable fact once you pulled up to the roaring nightclub set into one of the busiest streets on the avenue in Cairo. Everything about the place was showy and bright and outrageous. It was a miracle that the man hadn’t been caught considering that his home base was as obvious as it was. The entire front of the night club shone with the brilliance of a million stars in a hundred different colors. A giant marquee held the signage with the title of the place, “The Tea Party” coupled with the image of the white rabbit himself--the one from the old movie--a stout little thing with his pocket watch swinging from his paw. His neck was wrapped up in a white ruff, and he wore a frock pattered in red hearts.

A line stretched from the front entrance for as far as you could see, and clubbers swung their bodies in tune to the muffled sound of the EDM music thumping from inside and throwing cigarette butts to the sidewalk.

“Do we just walk in?” Seungmin hurriedly asked with nervous hands wrapped around his body.

“We’re expected, so, yes.” You snaked your arm through Jeongin’s to look even less conspicuous. “Just relax,” You commanded the group lowly.

From the corner of your eye, you saw the prince slug his arm around Lee Minho who appeared to shrink under the other man’s broad shoulders.

Two large bouncers stood at the entrance with muscles swelling under their shirts stained pink in areas which you assumed to have been white at some point.

“Names?” One of them grunted rather than spoke.

From his pocket, your partner took out his very own pocket watch that had been hidden with the rest of your supplies upon arrival to Cairo. On the opposite side of the watch was engraved the two symbols intertwined: the white rabbit and the the white rose. The two men inspected it, nodded, and opened the door for your small entourage. As soon as you entered the booming central room, you could see Seungmin’s shoulders drop as he relaxed.

“There should be someone meeting us!” Jeongin yelled over the sound of the white noise leading to the bass drop. Hundreds of clubbers danced with the music, throwing their glasses to the air and howling like animals. You wouldn’t have been surprised if at least half of them had been strung out on the very drugs that the man himself had helped peddle.

The young agent pulled you closer to him as stumbling bodies passed.

“They could be here. We have to be on our guard.”

“Let me watch the prince.”

Jeongin nodded, letting you recede to the back of the group where Two had tailed. His eye wound hadn’t healed nearly enough, so he opted to wear the sunglasses once more. It was likely that word had spread about the four of you escaped twice--his eye was evidence. From behind the group, you watched the way the the prince’s hand fell down hold Lee Minho by the hip, and the way that his fingers dug in there slightly. As much as you had denied it, seeing them close brought back the very covetous thoughts you tried to keep at bay.

A slender woman with gorgeous tanned skin pushed her way through the crowd and set her eyes on the white head of your partner. Her dress was even thinner than yours, but she wore it as if it was her second skin. The luxurious red color contrasted perfectly with her dark hair and eyes.

“Are you Fox?” She asked with a thick accent, and cascaded her hand down the young man’s arm.

“Y-yes. I am.”

“Bun asked me to bring you to him. I know the way.”

She let her hand fall into Jeongin’s who whipped his head back to you with dry lips that he wetted immediately. You had expected to have been retrieved by someone a bit stockier than this woman.

“He’s trying to get our guard down.” Two said suddenly as he reached into his pocket to thumb over his stockpile of metal there. “Don’t you think?”

The woman took your group near to the corner of the room where bodies didn’t linger for long, but were drawn in the mosh pit in the center. Tables lined these edges which were fashioned into booths with red velvet curtains for privacy to do much more sinister things. The room smelled heavily of pure alcohol spilled by drunk hands and of synthetic fabrics made of cheap plastics. A dozen different fragrances mingled into one dizzying mess: each a scent so different and chemical that it was toxic.

She walked with a swing to her hips, all the way to a booth that was a bit larger than the others--you could only assume that this must’ve been his booth. The woman gestured for you all to enter before drawing the curtain. At the center of the table, the rabbit’s symbol had been burned into the wood. She wore some kind of thin diamond bracelet which she hovered over the image, causing a winding staircase to pop from the carpeted floor down to a hidden chamber.

“Take the stairs, and it you’ll see it once you get down there.”

Your partner have her a curt nod in thanks, then lead the group further down. A soft green and red glow emanated from the space below, also humming with a concealed type of music different from that which was played in the club. From here, it nearly sounded like jazz.

The corridor under the club was bleak and grey with cement, but wooden crates lined it with stamps on the sides in numerous different languages. Your brain could only fathom where the contents had been before they ended up in this basement. It must have been millions of dollars just sitting undisturbed with enough firepower to blow up the whole building and more.

“Guns. Military grade and a little more improper,” Minho sighed out. “He must have every model in existence here.”

“Do you think that he has like...missiles?” Seungmin reached for his small handgun.

“Ease up S.” You tried to contain your own creeping fear, “Those would be too big to keep down here.”

“Who says that this is his whole stockpile?” Two deadpanned as he cleaned his glasses.

At the end of the hall, one more bulky guard stood expressionless with a small sized machine gun ready in his hands. He opened the door without saying much else, letting loose the red and green lights you had seen before, and with it, the putrid smell of expensive drink and marijuana.

The smaller room was only lit by strobes with multicolored gels, and it was dense with the smoke of many number of drugs and vices. There was a small bar with a bartender with bagged eyes and a swath of women in cocktail dresses and men with ties tugged nearly all the way off their necks with lipstick marks pressed into them.

A single disco ball spun above their heads, spreading shiny squares all across the room. Even more guards waited in the same uniform, but these ones looked more expensive--likely his own personal detail wearing gaudy chains and wrist watches inlaid with diamonds and crested in real gold.

“My friends! You were able to make it!”

The man of the hour spread his legs wide on his leather couch set upon a lion’s coat rug, complete with a head and marble eyes and all. At his sides were two more women more unique than the rest: both of them was breathtakingly gorgeous, one of them jeweled like a queen with a thick gold choker that resembled that which old Egyptian royalty would. Her head was smoothed with no hair at all, but instead intricate and beautiful tattoos decorated her like some kind of otherworldly being. The other woman had a cat-like face with two differently colored eyes; one hazel green and the other icy blue contrasting with her fiery orange hair.

“Carroll told me that you had a bit of trouble before you got here. I’m glad to see that you were able to get here in one piece. It only seems like things are getting more and more...risky these days. Even for people like us.”

“We’re not “people like you,” Rabbit.” You pushed to the font of the group.

The club owner himself was dressed in a purely white fur coat which you presumed to be made of real fur. Considering the material, it must’ve been made from the fur of snow foxes--an interesting choice considering your partner’s persona. The smaller man with a thick and muscled form took off his yellow tinted sunglasses to tuck them into his wildly printed shirt that had tiny buttons doing the work of keeping his chest covered.

“Babydoll! It’s a pleasure to meet you! I’ve heard all about you. Your reputation precedes you.” He took a rather greedy bite to his lip whilst looking you up and down. The white dress must have been doing it’s job well.

“Babydoll?” Chan asked with furrowed brows. “What is--who is--?”

“As does your reputation, Rabbit. I wouldn’t have expected less.”

The proud man snorted, “I hope this doesn’t mean that you’ve got any...preconceived notions about my lifestyle. Our dear friend Carroll doesn’t seem to.”

“Of course not.”

“And you...you must be the Prince of Bulgeun! His Royal Highness Prince Chan of the Crown!” The White Rabbit spread out his arms wide in welcome. “I don’t often get royalty in my club--lots of celebrities and the like.” He leaned over to one of his guards, speaking in Egyptian Arabic and asking for drinks for the group.

“Yes. It’s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance.” Chan bowed deep.

“So respectful!” The White Rabbit chuckled, “You can all call me Bun. We’re all friends here. And you...who might you be?” Bun pointed a finger at Minho who stepped forward.

“Baron Lee Minho, of Bulgeun as well.”

“Ah! And a Baron too! How did I get so lucky to have such honorable company?” Cat-face ticked her long nails against the club owner’s hand slung around her.

“You know what we’re here for, Rabbit. There’s no need for theatrics.” Jeongin huffed his words out with a confident breath.

“You’re the one that they call Fox? Rumor has it that you and Carroll have a rather...special...connection?”

The bartender arrived with drinks, each of them looking expensive with flecks of gold leaf floating on the surface of the clear liquid. Seungmin shot an apprehensive glare once the glasses were left on a small side table. As had been discussed previously, none of your group had picked up a glass.

The woman with beautiful tattoos stretched a hand down one of the White Rabbit’s thighs, reaching dangerously high between them; just enough to make you flinch from the forward action.

“Baby, I see that you’re playing a dangerous game towing this Price around, so of course I’m willing to help a friend of my friend. You’re lucky that I’ve got just the intel that you need. Some people just don’t know how to shut their mouths, especially when the get a taste of what I’m selling.”

“Oh? And what have you been hearing?”

You eyed a leather chair across from him seeing an opportunity.

“Your Highness.” You motioned for Chan to sit in the chair next to yours, swinging your legs crossed to peek from the thin white silk in full view for the Rabbit to see. After, you dipped your chin into your palm, just for the purpose of letting the front of your dress fall slightly. The prince remained quiet while taking his seat and spreading his legs out strongly.

“If it’s compensation that you need Rabbit, the Crown is also willing to make offers for added...persuasion.”

Chan crossed his fingers in his lap leaning forward. His words were slick and domineering--kingly even.

“Is that so?” The White Rabbit tugged at his lip with his teeth, “I wasn’t aware.”

“Double what The Agency is offering. If I like what you say.”

The club owner scoffed with a grin, “Oh, you’ll like what I say.” Cat-face lifted his drink to his lips, then wiped off the excess off with her finger. Both of the body guards appeared to tense before he spoke and tried to be inconspicuous while they reached for their decorated pieces resting in their waistbands.

“Hell, I’ll even tell you what they call themselves.”

In your impatience, you leaned forward, “Who are they?”

“They’re called The Spades. Some kind of new crime syndicate that’s been fucking up my business and making bargains with my customers. Of course, as you know...I work in a very lucrative business.”

“Naturally.”

“They’ve been stockpiling shit like crazy: all kinds of weapons, any kind that you can think of outside of fucking nukes. They’ve even tapped into drugs as well to make extra on the side. I don’t know what it is that they’re doing that makes them so appealing, but suddenly I’m missing out on millions because of those fuckers. They’ve got someone masterminding it all too--some crazed bastard. I’ve been trying to find him ever since they popped up.” He resumed his grasp on both of his women who cuddled into him.

“Mastermind? The one who’s running the whole operation? You know him?” Both you and your partner locked eyes quick enough for the other man to not take notice.

“No, one of his cronies. He runs the business. He’s illusive and fucking insane. Someone whispered once that he’s psychotic or something like that. You think that I’m bad...”

“Who?? Who is he? Where can we find him?”

“Slow your role there doll, I’m just getting to the good part.” The Rabbit nodded for another sip of his drink. “He’s got several names depending on who you’re talking to. Fucking funnily enough, I’ve heard that he goes by “Hatter,” or more commonly “Joker.” He deals in anything: arms, drugs, sex...and he works for The King.”

“The King?” Chan butted in with the mention of a royal name.

“Not your silly little king, prince. The King. The one who runs it all. He tells The Spades what to do. They’re everywhere, taking over every sector in every nation. They’re trying to dismantle it all--every political system, monarchy, presidency...everything. It looks like they’re starting with you, prince. The Spades preach about chaos. Every man for himself...but it’s a lie. Why the hell else would they be stockpiling? They’re trying to take it all over.”

Seungmin gulped audibly as he sunk to the back of the group.

“When there’s no more control the ones with the most resources always end up on top.” The young student whispered.

“This King, do you know who he is?” Jeongin spoke over Seungmin to detract attention from him.

“Nope.” The White Rabbit swung his legs up on the small coffee table with alligator leather shoes. “I’ve been a little focused on taking down the Joker at the moment, for your information.”

“What’s your intel on him then? He must know how to get to The King.” Minho pushed to the front of the group right to Chan’s side. “We’re not satisfied with your information yet.”

The Baron’s sudden demand surprised you: he had been timid before--so you had thought.

The club owner looked to Chan, keeper of his “persuasion” who nodded to prompt him for more.

“He’s on some island off Greece. Private. Tight security, the kind that could shoot you out of the sky.”

“Impressive.” You tutted, feigning confidence once more. “What more do you know?”

The woman with the bangled necklace whispered something in his ear once peeking at a small old-model cellphone in her hand, brushing her lips over his earlobe. Over the sound system, the jazz music turned sultry, and both women moved to join the other intoxicated clubbers in the back to sway around brass poles.

“There’s the freckled bastard. He’s the grunt--and the one that’s been chasing you I think. Real nuisance isn’t he? He’s the Knave. Had a few run ins with him myself.”

You thought back to the gas station and the black SUVs. Between all the shards of glass, it had been hard to make anyone out, but you had figured that he had must’ve been one of the men throwing their bodies out of the windows to shoot.

The Rabbit chuckled out with some kind of hand signal to his guards. “Knowing him, he could be right outside my door for that matter.”

Jeongin’s eyes flew open, sending you “the look.” Your time was running out. Judging by the way that you hadn’t noticed that the Rabbit’s women had cleared out the other clubbers from the room, they must’ve known something that you didn’t. The club owner stood up with a languid stretch and cracked his knuckles.

“We probably don’t have much more time before they come in here guns blazing. Best protect your prince, hm?”

“Rabbit! You must know something about The King?!” You crossed the room to grab at his frim and fuzzy arm.

He slyly smiled, amused by your grip, “Like I said doll, no one knows much about him. Your Baron has got it right. Start with the Joker. But...” His grin cracked even wider, “Good luck.”

Seungmin tugged at Two’s dress coat as the two bulky bodyguards took The Rabbit by the arms to escort him.

“What's going on??” The young man’s voice cracked with urgency.

“Ready that gun of yours.” Two said lowly with gritted teeth.

He strode across the room with his fur coat lazily swaying, then raised the golden rings on his fingers to the air as he exited. He threw his yellow tinted glasses back on, before turning back to your stunned group.

“I estimate that you’ve got...three minutes? --Oh! And one more thing!”

The white fabric of your dress swept to the side, revealing your thigh holster which you grabbed at quickly.

“What?!”

“Every King’s got his Queen? Does he not?”

The enigmatic club owner slipped into the shadows of his private room, leaving your group with the sound of clambering feet on the floor above, followed by muffled gunshots.

“They’re here?” Seungmin readied his small handgun as he was told and looked to the ceiling where the lights flickered from the commotion. “They found us?”

Two twirled two knives in his hands with a silvery glint. Both of the blades were a bit on the shorter side, but you were certain that he knew how to use them. “They’re always following us.”

“We need to get out of here.” Lee Minho drew out his own gun concealed by his suit. It was custom with a pearl handle. You had seconds to make out the insignia, but you could make out the shape of what looked like a red rose. “The place must be crawling with them. We need to find the exit.”

Your partner nodded while taking his own gun. “Stay close, Your Highness. Follow me.”

“Bee?” The prince called your name with a worried cross between his brows. “Give me a gun. Hand-to-hand is nothing against these guys. I’ll stay close. I promise.”

While he held your eyes earnestly, the way that his chest heaved up and down told you something much different.

“You can handle it?”

“I can.”

Jeongin passed him a Glock from the holster strapped behind his shoulders.

You made your way back through halls lit by hissing fluorescent lights with a white burn to them. The crates of weaponry stretched on and on, adding to your unease knowing what could happen if a bullet were to be fired in this hallway. Thick rats skittered in the dank edges of the hall and weaved between boxes labeled in Spanish.

“Drugs.” Minho gripped his gun tighter. “From the looks of it, cocaine.”

Above your heads, a giant boom resounded and dust with drywall fell from the lights that flickered harder.

“Its a fucking maze down here.” Jeongin tapped at his watch in an attempt to find a schematic of the place.

The college student wetted his lips. “At least we’re not up there with them.”

“At least the lead worked out. We know more about these...Spades than we did before. It’s a start.” You tailed the back of the group with careful footsteps and the click of your heels against the cement flooring.

Another resounding boom echoed followed by the shrill screams of clubbers above. It sounded hellish--you could hear the raw fear in their voices. The music thudded on, likely abandoned by someone running for their life. The Prince’s knuckles turned white holding onto his piece of metal near the front of the group.

“F, you know the way up?”

“I-I think. We should be approaching some stairs soon, but there’s nottelling who will be on the other side.”

Two tore off his sunglasses and shoved them into his breast pocket. “We’ll be damn lucky if they haven’t found the hotel yet. If not, we’ve got to run.”

“My laptop??” Seungmin whimpered.

“That damn Chromebook? Don’t worry about it, your life is more important.” Jeongin scoffed. “The Agency can set you up with something even better.”

“I can’t believe that at a time like this all I can think about is my stupid computer.” The young man shook the thought out of his head.

“Stairs up ahead.” Jeongin pointed. “Get ready.”

“Chan?” You pulled at the prince’s trim to his coat.

“I’m fine Bee. Honestly. I trust you.” He attempted a smile. The same smile, that damned charming one that couldn’t get out of your head.

Minho looked back to the prince too with worry, it had been the most sincere motion that you had seen him do as of yet. He reached out to squeeze the royal’s shoulder with a soft smile.

“Don’t go dying on us Your Highness. Think about what that would mean for the kingdom?” He chuckled.

“I’ll try my best,” The prince returned the gesture.

Jeongin reached for the metal door handle to the teal green door cracking with paint. The sound of machine guns had grown even louder, followed by the sound of the shells hitting the wooden dance floor. The air was thin where it crept under the door and carried with it the horrid smell of smoking guns and spilled alcohol.

“Two, Bee, form rank around the group, I’ll lead.”

Two nodded, popping gum into his mouth and blowing large electric blue bubble. “Can do.” Both of his hands tightened around his blades.

“One...Two...Three!”

Time slowed the second that the door opened, and your ears rang with the deathly silence. Bodies to the left and right of you became a blur and they fell to the floor in the silence with their limbs twitching until they didn’t move at all. White collars turned red, as did the white tablecloths of the standing tables. The strobes pranced around the room in a multicolored shower that was as blinding and stained your eyes.

The men in black suits and leather gloves scattered around the room with their red crests glinting. They shouted commands at eachother, but to you, all you could see was the way that their lips curved and cracked. In front of you, your partner leads with a hand gesture that you had memorized from training, and all of your focus was drawn the the back of the group. The trigger of your gun was cold on your finger: you pulled and pulled not even pausing to feel the way that it fought back against your wrist. The men were sprinting with their own guns tight in their hands, but each of them fell before they could get close.

Two’s mouth was in a flat line as he threw tiny blades from his hands to the chests of men running across the balconies and hiding from behind tables. He appeared to have an infinite amount in his coat and saved the longer and more lethal ones for close connections, subsequently dipping his own fingers in red.

The young college student trudged on in the center of the group with his head tucked firmly between his two shoulders. Clear streams of tears fell down his eyes, but he wiped at them furiously between each shot that he took with his small handgun. Next to him, the two royals kept their own heads low aiming shots around them to backup you and your partners.

Their footsteps came echoing behind you, and you walked backwards, taking aim with one eye squinted, while barking out commands from your mouth that you barely even understood. Your heartbeat bumped in your chest nearly in tune with the thudding 808′s of the music that reverberated in your ears. Each of the Spades moved as if they were shadows over the bodies of the fallen, leaping and jumping, nearly floating over dining tables and sweeping off the glassware and silverware with them as they did so.

“BEE, I’M ALMOST OUT!” Jeongin screamed to you nearly before reaching the front revolving doors.

Two tossed another magazine in the young agent’s direction, then threw another dagger with startling accuracy.

For seconds at a time you could see how Minho’s eyes had narrowed with his aim, and he too met every target exactly where he wanted. You figured that the royal must have trained himself well to have that kind of precision. The way that he appeared perfectly calm was startling: his dark eyes squinted and he turned his body swiftly with little effort.

“Fuck--I’M OUT OF ROUNDS!” The prince bellowed before ducking under Minho’s arm which immediately swung over him.

You closed in closer to the group, using your body as a shield for the prince’s back.

Your partner cast aside fallen chairs and tables in his wake, as one of the thugs charged at him. In response, he threw his gun into his waistband, opting to slung the man with a hurried uppercut that sent him spitting blood to the floor before falling, “We’re almost there! Keep pushing!!”

“SHIT!!!” Seungmin groaned out before dropping his small gun to the ground, he trembled with his leg dragging behind him, then soon his pants soaked with a dark stain to his slacks.

“BEE LOOK OUT!!” A voice screamed, seconds before you could register it.

Your head whipped back to the chaos of the club, seeing the “freckled bastard” himself point his decorated riffle at you point blank with a wicked grin on his face. He looked purely evil. There was something about the way that his ears poked, or how his eyes upturned that made him look devilish when his pearly white teeth peeked once he took his shot. He had ashy blonde hair that had strung with sweat over his forehead, and blood wetted the tip of his dress shoes. He cocked his head to the side, as he did too with his gun before the deafening shot cracked through the room.

You were shocked trying to memorize his face, and frozen in your fear from the barrel of the gun facing you right between the eyes.

An excruciatingly tight grasp at your arm pulled you to the side before you could react, throwing you to the hardwood floors before whoever it was pulled themselves in front of the bullet. Your vision was rocked when you hit the floor, missing the glass revolving door by centimeters.

“Y/N!” Your partner screamed, waking you from your haze as the room started to piece back together. “You good?!”

Another hand grabbed you to your feet before shoving you through the door, lightly slinging your arm around his shoulder before taking your gun from your trembling hand to take a few more shots. You realized it was Two this close, and tiny flecks of red splattered at his neck.

“Fuck--give me that--” You grabbed the gun from his hand to fire every bullet that was left at the freckled bastard until you couldn’t any more, and the cool of the evening stung at your heaving lungs once your group reached the sidewalk.

Outside of the venue, clubbers scrambled and ran the streets still shrieking in their fear and tripping over their heeled shoes.

“Chan?? Chan--where-where’s the prince??” The words spilled from your lips in your pure adrenaline.

Right behind you only a couple paces away, the prince stood pale with Seungmin holding between them a groaning and gasping Minho who barely held on to the two men. A bullet wound soaked his black suit jacket, and the red crept up to his white frilled collar.” The wound made a hole right in his shoulder with a visible circle.

Jeongin sprinted to the back of the group looking disheveled himself with sleeves hastily pulled up to his elbows. “Shit--shit!!”

“S-move aside. MOVE!” You commanded the whimpering young man who gave you Minho’s other arm. You wrapped around his wasit and dragged the heavy weight of the man who had just saved your life.

The prince dryly smacked his lips then scanned the street for more of the Spades in his daze.

“Y-you okay?” The words dried up your tongue.

“Yeah...yeah, I’m fine, are you?” His energy had been drained of him, and his knuckles were also cracked, likely from having to throw punches that you haven’t even seen him take.

Gunshots echoed further down the street followed by the screeching of wheels and more panicked yells. The chirps of cop cars pulled up to the scene and their husky demands rounded up the escapees in rapid-fire Arabic.

Jeongin sprinted back with his white hair bouncing to a taxi nearest an intersection. He threw the door open apologizing profusely the best he could before pulling the driver out of the driver’s seat and to the cement. He cursed out loudly in response to which Jeongin tossed out some bills haphazardly to his chest.

“Get in, GET IN!” He called to your group while tapping on the metal side of the vehicle.

Both you and the pricne guided the injured royal in to the backseat between you.

“Minho--Minho, hold on--” Your nervous hands held his pale face in your palms.

The tear of your dress filled the small compartment, prompting the prince to snatch his hand into the other man’s firmly.

“Minho--you fucking dumb asshole--you had to go and he the hero didn’t you?” Chan smiled hopefully.

“Ar-are you alright?” He coughed, “Your Highness?”

“Shut up.” Chan ruffled his hair with another adoring smile. “It’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.”

Although it was silk, you used every inch of your dress tear to tie around the baron’s shoulder tightly in an attempt to add pressure to the open wound.

“Bee--” Minho started with a lazy glare.

“--Keep talking Minho, look at me. You’re gonna feel sleepy, stay awake. You did great, thank you so much for doing that to me. Thank you.” You grabbed his opposite hand firmly. “I can’t thank you enough.”

Lee Minho laughed. “Don’t mention it. And--if you wanted me to keep talking...I wanted to tell you that you’re really stunning Bee. How you handled all th-that. I was really impressed.”

“Hm, I was impressed too.” In his own way, like this, bloodied and a bit delirious, Lee Minho really was as handsome as he let on.

The taxi car whipped around another corner with wind whipping in the windows and each of your masses jostled in the car as if bumped over the curb. The hotel wasn’t that far from The Tea Party, and you knew that any moment you would reach it, but each second stretched longer and longer.

“Fox?! We’re not there?”

“Fuck--Bee, the whole city is crawling with cops, everywhere I turn, they’re on the hunt, The Spades are everywhere I can’t make it back--no doubt they’re already there...”

In the front seat, Seungmin clung to Two as if his life depended on it as his whole body shook and Two tore his own jacket sleeve to close off the young man’s wound on his leg.

“Wha-what are we going to do?? S-shit!! Ouch!!!” The young student gritted his teeth in his pain while his leg shook terribly. He sobbed, “It hurts, really, really bad!!”

“I planned for this.” Jeongin’s eyes flicked in the review mirror to you in the back. “I asked Carroll to set up for us a secondary place if something went down and we couldn’t make it to the hotel. I figured...if anything happened or if they found us--”

“--Get us there, fucking drive Fox, Minho needs first aid, right fucking now, he’s bleeding too fucking much.”

“I know, I know!!”

“How far is it?!”

“Not far, I promise, twenty minutes--tops.”

“Make it ten!!!”

Jeongin floored it, running lights and becoming a stream under the skyscrapers of Cairo. From the small skylight of the taxi, thin clouds streaked in the evening sky and mixed with the glow of the city. Far, far, above your head, you prayed for the first time in years that you could make it in time.

Seungmin sobbed with puffy eyes from the front seat and writhed, “Hurry! Hurry!” He begged.

Minho’s head lulled in the backseat as he bled though the white silk binding him. His head bounced back and forth from you to the prince with glossy marbles for eyes that blinked slowly. The prince rested his hand on the baron’s thigh and rubbed calming little circles into it.

“Minho, you did so well. Look at me.” Chan coaxed, causing the other to smile adorably grim.

Minho twitched before rolling his head over to the prince. “Your Highness, i-if I may be so bold...I-I’ve got...I’m crush on you.” He finished his sentence with a wrinkled smile.

You scoffed out with a laugh while making knowing eye contact with the prince who laughed out lightly too.

“He sounds like someone I know.” You winked at the royal.

The taxi made one final turn to an alley filled with potholes that jostled each wheel of the car.

“This is it! Right here!” The young agent whipped into a one car garage hidden into the alley. The darkness of the garage filled the car, and snuffed out all of the light from the street, and even muffled the faint sirens of police as they whizzed past. The night was still full of gunshots, but at least now they sounded far enough away to be safe.

━━━━━━━━━▲━━━━━━━━━

The safe house was a modest two floored apartment outfitted with the normal security system of The Agency: window locks and cameras in every corner of every room. As expected, each of the rooms was covered in a fine layer of dust, and the old smell hung with flecks of the material stuck on lampshades and wafting in the light.

Work had been delegated between you and your partners, with the two other men helping treat Seungmin in the second bedroom out of three while you and the prince aided Minho.

The windows were left open to let in some fresh air, also letting in the faint sounds of the city which still surged with life even late into the night. Still, the smell of the desert came floating into the room with a welcome sense of tranquility.

The royal lay on the bed with cracked pale lips while you set to work dabbing at his wound gently with gauze, cleaning the area around the bullet wound. Fearful to cause more bleeding, the bullet would stay where it was for a few moments more for another layer of wrapping. The prince remained quiet, passing you materials as needed with hands stained pink from the other man’s blood.

“How are you feeling?” Chan quietly asked.

“Hurts like a bitch,” Minho smiled, “You ever been shot before?”

The prince shook his head.

“Well, I hope that you never are. Feels like your whole body gets stirred up from the impact and then there’s the sting.”

Carefully you pulled back the remains of the baron’s shirt while lifting him slightly off the bed. As you swept the fabric from behind him, you noticed the thin red line tracing around his shoulder bade which you figured to be blood at first.

“What...what’s this?”

“Oh,” Minho shied, “It’s a tattoo.”

“You’ve got a tattoo? For a royal?” Chan slicked back Minho’s sweaty locks. “You really are full of surprises.”

Gently you laid the baron back down to lay with his new wrappings. “What is it?”

He paused, wetting his lips quickly before he spoke. “It’s a red rose. It’s a bit large--I know--not typical for royals. Don’t worry, you’re the only royal that knows that I have it.”

“Why a red rose?”

Below you, Minho looked relaxed and calm, beautiful even like this bare-chested under the single lamp-light of the bedroom.

“Well...you know the significance of symbols and insignias. We’ve all got our own.” He grinned out while playing with the prince’s free hand.

“I’ve got my white rose, Bee’s got her clock: seems like we’ve all got our own thing.” Chan agreed, watching the way that his fingers interlocked with the other man’s.

In the opposite bedroom, Seungmin cried out sharply to the tune of Jeongin chuckling out, “I’ve got you, you fucker!” The clink of metal fell into the little bowl they used: the bullet was out of the poor boy.

You sighed knowing that the damage caused to your group could’ve been much worse, yet you had made a skillful escape. Still, the thought of the bodies littering the floor...the silence that rang in your ears from the pace of it all and how the energy of survival started to wear off...it was truly gruesome.

“Minho--really, I appreciate you taking a hit for me like that. No one has ever done something like that for me...and you barely know me...”

The baron smiled, taking your hand in his too. “Like I said, it’s fine. Had I not, you wouldn’t have been able to help us out of there...even if you were dragging my ass for the tail end of it.”

The breeze flew in with the dusty curtains; just cold enough to make you shiver in your thin dress.

The prince looked to the both of you, “What happens now?”

Chan himself was a proper mess: he no longer looked like the perfect vision of regality from the earlier evening. He looked like a man, a regular man, scared, unsure, and confused. His knuckles were cracked...and you had promised that you had never wanted to see him harmed again.

The prince’s eyes softened, softer than they had been, soft like they had been the evening before when you had broken.

“We survive. The best we can. We recuperate for a couple days, and ask Carroll what the next steps are. I’d guess it would be Greece then.”

Minho leaned up with a little grunt to face you. “I’m coming with. I can help. I can be valuable if you need another set of hands on a gun.”

“I think you mean hand. Your arm is gonna be out of commission for a little while.”

He smirked, “Still...”

The sweeping red outline of rose peeked to his shoulder, and you wondered how far it really spread.

“Bee, I don’t think that I’ve thanked you.” Chan let the words fill earnestly, throwing that same damned smile at you.

“Chan...you don’t have to thank me. You’re my prince.”

The royal nodded with a contented little grin that tugged a dimple on the side of his face. You found both men looking at you as such, as if they were waiting, or anticipating the unsaid as you were.

Somehow, the room turned silent once more: a void quiet enough to hear your heart beating in your ears.

You bridged the gap, pulling Chan close to you as you pressed your lips against his, using your stained hand to pull his lapel into your body while he melted perfectly into you as he had done before. His mouth tasted slightly like the salt of blood, but that was of no matter to how sweet he was when he gently let himself unfold for you, gasping lightly against you. Chan’s hand reached to your arm to caress the goosebumped skin down, giving you another reason to shiver. You found your own hand tie into his light brown locks and pull deeply at the roots with depths of curiosity and want. Your tongue gently explored his lower lip before teasing right into his mouth which was even warmer than you had imagined it being.

Your other hand found the torso of Minho: bare and quivering under the touch of your fingertips which traced each muscle there. He let out a drawn out sigh, then drew his own hand down the curve of your body to your hip, finally working it back up over your belly to your breasts thinly protected by the dress. He sat up higher and brought his lips to the fabric, kissing right into your belly with the warmth of his mouth. He paused, giving you moments to crave that same feeling on your lips and prompting you to bow down and indulge yourself in the taste of his mouth too.

Chan’s hungry hands came tip-toeing over your back as he watched, and slipped one finger under your thin dress strap to pull it down and press kisses to your shoulder. With his other hand, he let it fall down Minho’s back: over the red rose, right to his thigh which he squeezed at firmly: right between the heat of his legs.

Minho was different from Chan: rougher with his advances, but still addictive in how he would test the corners of your mouth with each kiss more courageous than the last. He ruffled up your torn dress, then let the silk fill up his hands before pulling it in ways to meet your skin with his. Slowly, Chan did the same, edging a hand up to your ass from the frayed bottom of the once-gorgeous dress.

The bed was just big enough for two, but with this new interlocking of limbs as close as possible, you melded into one. Both you and Chan crept over the man between you, painting the blank canvas of his chest with seething hot lips and biting at the flesh of his skin lightly. Minho’s back arched from the beautiful sensation, causing him to giggle in his euphoria.

In the middle, you found Chan once more, and held him close, as close as you had wanted for longer than you had admitted.

“Oh Bee...” He moans into your mouth while releasing all of his glee onto your tongue.

“Chan, I’m not scared anymore. I don’t even care.”

The prince shuddered at the thought, and held you back just as tight finding the corners of your dress to pull over your head.

“Oh my god,” Minho adores you, then reaches out to pull you to his chest.

This mysterious man, melts for you too, whimpering perfectly between your lips. Your legs find their way around his thigh to grind at lightly. There's an innocence to his eyes, much like that of the prince: its a kind of blind adoration that you know all too well. His dedication to Chan, and his gesture to you: the thick bandages around his arm: you find your apprehension slipping to nothing.

Your fingers loop around the white lace of your panties as you kneel above both men, and you swipe your thumb over both of their glistening and trembling lips.

“Well boys, how about I’ll make both of you mine tonight?”

~🌹~

Bunch of (Ro)ses!

@minaamhh @dazzlehoseok @synnocence @jjewibeans @hyunsluvv @unexceptional-h @bobawithchaitea @lechanters @sailorhyunjinz @silencefavarchive @lunarskzzz @yourdaddychan @bubblelixie @spnobsessedmemes @cherrychngkyn @bowlofblueberries @lmhmins @eunaeiekim

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stuffedfriendssanctuary · 3 years

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Frederick moved from his usual spot atop the speakers to the Gathering Room table after he saw the camera coming out. He's usually kinda camera shy but he was feeling particularly bold today.

He's wearing some pumpkin earrings for safekeeping, he's not one to generally wear earrings.

He's a stoic one, Frederick. He doesn't do cuddles or hugs. He does, however, look dapper as all heck. He's sweet and kind but keeps to himself mostly.

And yes, he only goes by Frederick, not Fred. Fred's his father who lives in Appalachia, near Pennsylvania.

Frederick is also deaf! That's why he has no problem sitting on the stereo speaker haha. He likes the vibrations. Since our friends communicate in ways other than words, he has no problem being understood.

(Frederick is an unbranded fox plush adopted from Target)

#stuffed animals #plushies #plush #kidcore #safeplush #plush collector #stuffed animal collector #stuffed animal sanctuary #frederick #fox #target

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fairymadnessyeah · 3 years

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BNHA Ship to Finish the Year

ShishiKoda (Shishida Jurota x Koda Koji)

Canon

Before anything, two important things.

Koda is non-binary, pronouns they/them. Also, Koda is selectively deaf.

They only talk with the people who are close to them, with animals, or if they absolutely need to.

I believe that there are a lot of types of heroes, there are daytime heroes, underground heroes, infiltration heroes, etc.

And one of those types, that is rather new, is the eco-hero. They are heroes who, apart from fighting against crime, they also fight for the planet and the animals.

Both Shishida and Koda are Eco-heroes.

I feel like they would start working on the same agency at first, being desk mates.

Koda is selectively deaf, so they communicate with sign language. But not everybody knows, so Shishida translates and gives out the number of a good ASL teacher.

It makes them grow closer, and that is how they start branching out towards the Eco-heroics.

They find an agency that works kind of like Greenpeace having mission out in the world to help with the environment.

They first start local, their first missions aren't even together. Koda is sent to a zoo protest, and Shishida to a stop a deforestation.

They do have to re-study some laws for this job though. UA might be a great school, but they can't teach you everything.

They study together, with Shishida making the coffee and Koda bringing some of the cakes their roommate Satou bakes.

Satou, who is very protective of his roommate and friend Koda, notices that something is going on. But when he asks about it, Koda shrugs it off with pink cheeks.

Shishida doesn't have any roommates, but he still hangs out with his friends from class B. I imagine one day, they drop by uninvited and interrupt one of their study hang out.

Koda understands and leaves, but the class B boys can feel the sparks in the air.

They tease him non-stop about it, while Shishida tries to deny it.

"Somebody got a crush~," "No, I don't,"

"I bet you want to take them out to that new restaurant you were talking about," "As friends,"

"You should ask them out! They looked ready to pick up what you were giving," "I won't,"

"You are afraid they'll say no and then don't talk to you again, aren't you?" "Terrified,"

Shishida would ask Koda out, but they are so shy that he is afraid that if he does, the relationship they have been building up will crumble.

But that's okay, Shishida can wait.

They keep working and hanging out together, and then one day, they are put on a mission together. This mission takes place in the Amazon, on Brazil.

The two need to travel, and while they are there, Shishida asks Koda out.

They say yes, and when they go back to Japan, they make it official and become the significant other of one another.

I like thinking that Satou starts acting like a protective big brother to Koda and glares at Shishida when he comes to pick him up for dates.

Family

Koda is the only child of a single mother. She doesn't have a name yet, but I think she is a like a 50's mom.

She bakes cookies, she dances to the music of the radio, and leaves lipstick marks on your cheeks when she kisses you.

I also love the idea that no matter who you are, no matter what you are doing, you are going to get greeted with a bear hug by Koda's mom.

Shishida was not ready. I also like the idea that Shishida has a bun on for the first meeting. He would look so dapper in one.

I also think he would use his strength as a good selling point. Oh, Miss Koda's earing fell under the dishwasher? No worries, Shishida will lift it with his bare hands and place it back where it was once she got it.

I have no ideas as to who Shishida's parents could be, but one thing is for sure, Koda wants to crawl under their bed and stay there until the night passes.

They are a mess and get anxious thinking about it. On the drive there, Koda's mind conjures situation after situation, and how bad and disastrously are all going to end up.

Of course, nothing like that happens.

Shishida's parents are nice and know sign language, so they can communicate no problem.

I don't think they would have kids, but I kind of seeing them moving from the big city and settling in a small village with a giant lot where they rescue animals.

They are some of the only heroes around the small town, along with a few others, and nothing much happens.

But considering the hectic years they spent as heroes and as students, a nice, quiet town seems like a good option.

When Koda moved out of the apartment, Satou cries and hugs him, while saying that he'll miss them. It's a sad day, but they keep in contact.

Also, their house is so big that both classes come for reunions, and they are even able to bring their kids.

They have a rehabilitation program, but some of the animals they rescued aren't able to go back to the wild, so they have a few rescued pets.

They have a fox, who ended up blind after getting caught in a trap. His name is Red, and it likes to scare their mailman by screaming at him. Have you ever heard a fox? It's crazy AF!

They also have an owl inside the house. It was hit by a moving car, and it damaged its wing, making it unable to fly. Its name is Big eyes, and sometimes it chills with Shishida in the library.

They also have a wild horse on the back. They called it Hone, in dedication to Honenuki because when the Hone smiles, which it does a lot, its smile looks like their ex-classmate.

Hone was rescued from a circus, and is now living a retirement on their home.

AU - Tarzan AU

So, you might read Tarzan AU, and think:

"Well, Shishida could make a good Tarzan. He is wild, hairy, curious, and kind of look likes bigfoot when he uses his quirk. It makes sense that he would be Tarzan,"

But you are wrong. This is a different Tarzan AU.

For once, it happens in the woods instead of the jungle. So our Tarzan is closer to civilization than the classic.

Koda was just a small three-year-old when, on a camping trip, their parents died. They were crossing a stream when the bridge broke, and they feel into the river. Their parents drown and died of hypothermia, but Koda somehow survived.

They were taken care of by the animals. Because, yes, they speak in this AU, but only Koda can understand them.

Koda lives like a cryptid, and becomes an urban legend of the woods. They are known as the creature-man. Many go into the woods to get a peak or a capture them on a picture.

The people know them to be a generous being. If you get lost in the woods, they will guide you back home. If you get hurt, you may find yourself healed by the next morning.

Shishida is new in town, recently graduated from college and has a psychology degree.

He doesn't believe in the existence of creature-man, and thinks it's just a tourist attraction.

The rest of the town tries to convince him, but he is a stubborn one.

But one day, a couple of his friends invite him on a hike on the woods. They are hoping that with this trip, he might start believing in Creature-man.

The storm catches them by surprise. It comes out of nowhere, and it makes Shishida slip and roll down a hill. He hits his head on and blacks out, but when he wakes up, he is not alone.

Koda found him and started taking care of him. Shishida had a concussion and a broken arm, so Koda couldn't take him back out of the forest.

Shishida, now an absolute believer of Creature-man, takes them to his home, to re-introduce them to society.

He starts by cleaning them and dressing them, but it's not as easy as he believed it would be. Koda is afraid of everything, and knows nothing of the world.

Shishida doesn't tell the rest of the town about having their cryptid creature on his home. He knows that they will freak out and want to see him, and that could overwhelm Koda.

But one day, Koda freaks out, and runs back to the forest. The whole town finds out, and questions Shishida.

He explains that Koda, is not a creature, but a person who grew up in the woods and was not introduced into society.

The people decide to leave Koda alone, but Shishida feels a deep conection with them. He feels responsable for them, and doesn't want to see them hurt.

He visits them daily, and starts writing a psychology book on them.

Fanon Opinion

I can't see Koda having sex.

I just can't. Maybe it's their shy demeanour, their muteness or the way they look, but I can't see it.

I think I might headcanon them as asexual to much for me to picture him in sexual acts.

I think this is a cute couple, but it's very cracky.

There is no content for them. No pictures, nothing written, there isn't even a ship name.

I think that whoever requested these two, took somebody from class A and then somebody from class B that is not that known, and paired them together.

They have only one interaction, when they faced against each other on the A vs B battle.

But, weirdly enough, they make sense together.

They are the personification of looks like they could kill you, but it's a cinnamon roll x looks like a cinnamon roll, and it's a cinnamon roll.

If there ever is a veterinarian x librarian AU, they would be perfect for it.

Like, Koda is super sweet and shy, and Shishida is a gentleman, who dresses in suits.

I think they also make sense to me due to their quirks.

Shishida looks like an animal when he is all big and hairy, and Koda can talk to animals.

It's a weird ship, however.

But it definitely deserves more love.

It's also not that impossible to happen. They are the same age, they go to the same school, they are in the same career, same side.

I know this is short, but there is nothing to go on with this couple.

It's a background character with an even less important character.

#bnha #mha #shishikoda #jurota shishida #Koji Koda #bnha headcanons #bnha ships to finish the year #canon #family #tarzan au #fanon opinion

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generalcircus · 3 years

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Mr. Potato Head Comes Out As Gender Neutral... Old News

Mr. Potato Head... A dude with a bushy mustache but manicured eyebrows, pink ears and blue shoes, wears lipstick but no pants, and rocks a bowler hat which was popular in 1800′s Britain, has recently revealed that he isn’t a Mr. or a Mrs., he’s actually gender neutral. Go fucking figure. Just look at this spiffy mother fucker. Does it look like this trend setting staple crop gives two shits about gender identity? Of course not. I wonder why it even took this long for him I mean it to take away the ‘Mr.’ from his name. I mean it’s name, dammit.

And for those of you who are upset by this recent development (Fox News and company), I have more bad news. If this dapper son of a bitch doesn’t adhere to society created gender identities, there’s no way in hell that Potato Head identifies as a vegetable, starch, or root or whatever the hell else they’re labeled as nowadays. This bad ass is in its own food group, if it even considers itself a food at this point. I’m guessing not.

When the dust finally settles and those of you devastated by the news are able to move past this, I’m sure there will be more toys and cartoon characters who will come out as gender neutral, gay, bi-sexual, trans, and whatever else you idiots still have a hard time accepting. So I just hope this isn’t too much for you folks to handle. Just know that there are resources available to you, to help get you through these tough times.

Fuck. As I was typing this shitty blog I read another article on the matter and apparently Hasbro is just changing the brand name to Potato Head, but is keeping the Mr. and Mrs. Potato head characters. But I already wrote this much so I’m not deleting it. God dammit Hasbro. I guess Potato Head is a Mr. after all.

Whatever. That’s what you get for taking the time to a write a fucking blog about a toy potato.

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queenmuzz · 4 years

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Deep Blue Sea: Chapter IX

Lost in Translation

Read the full story on Ao3 HERE

You stood there, sweating half to death, as the priest droned on and on about “Mawage and Twoo Wuv” (he had a very noticeable lisp). You were stuffed into a corset that was much too tight, much too revealing, and your arms were itching from the taffeta. It was awkward and tedious, and you'd rather be anywhere else but here.

Fredrick stood in front of you, oblivious to your discomfort, beaming brightly, and for this reason alone you hadn't just picked up your floofy skirt and walked out.

“If anywon has any Owbjections to this union of man an wife, speak now, ow fowevew hold youw peace” The priest spoke out, and a moment of silence passed over the crowd.

In the distance, the sound of what seemed like barking dogs got louder, and louder..but they sounded odd.

arf! Arf! ARF! ARF!

And then the heavy oak church doors burst open, revealing two massive sea lions, their entrance causing the congregation to scatter. Seagulls followed, squawking noisily. It was complete chaos.

In the centre of the storm, being pulled by the two sea lions, was a wagon with a large fish aquarium. It looked as if Cinderella's fairy godmother had drunk a little too much gin and tonic when granting her wish.

There, seated up to his waist in sloshing water, was Vergil, as handsome as ever, lounging back as if he was King of the Ocean, and looking very dapper with his blue bow-tie that matched his scales. On his wrists were matching cuffs, which on any other man, would look like a knock off Chippendale's dancer, but just added to his good looks.

The pinnipeds made their way to the steps leading up to the altar and stopped. Vergil, calmly and with great conviction spoke loud enough for the priest and the wedding party to hear.

“I object”

“Now listen here,” Fredrick's father, red with fury attempted to say something, but Vergil shot him a glare that could have cut diamonds. The man turned pale, and stepped back, hiding behind his wife. (she was wearing a garish fox stole over a white dress)

Vergil's glare vanished when he saw your face, “Please, my love.... will you choose me instead?”

You needed no other persuasion, as you launched yourself at the man, for a passionate kiss. Vaguely, you could hear your mother shriek “THE DRESS!” but you couldn't care less as you leapt into the tank with him, and with a sound that reminded you of a dolphin click, Vergil commanded the lumbering beasts to turn around and pull the wagon out of the church, leaving the congregation flummoxed at what just happened.

You, on the other hand, were the happiest woman alive......

*****

You awoke, your eyes wide in the early morning darkness. You could still feel the pressure/pain of the corset squeezing your ribs, despite the fact you were wearing dry, loose fluffy pj’s. The sickening sweet smell of lilacs still lingered in your nose. It had been so realistic...but it had all been a dream.

So, why did you feel so disappointed? That the wedding was still going ahead as planned? Or…

You looked over to the surface of the water, almost as smooth as glass, reflecting the dawn sky, purples, pinks and oranges giving the water the appearance of being made of flame. And at the edge of the inferno, his head resting in crossed arms on the platform, was Vergil, softly dozing. He must have been asleep for some time, as his hair was dry and swept back, aside from a few unruly strands that fell over his face in defiance. His face looked calm, almost peaceful, and you idly wondered if that was how he truly was in the wild. The more you admired this side of him, the more you…

Oh no…

You loved him.

The realization hit you like a tidal wave, threatening to pull you down into an endless vortex of emotions, both good and bad.

With Fredrick, you felt like you were separated emotionally by a pane of thick glass that could never be shattered. He’d listen to your problems, but everything was just a credit card swipe, or a written check away from being solved in his mind. He respected you as a person, but as a partner? Never.

Contrast this to Vergil, who while most of the time, was literally separated from you by a pane of glass, had gotten closer to you than anyone ever had. You’d laughed with him, discussed human and merfolk culture, tried foods, and built up a closer bond with him, closer than only a few other people including Fredrick . And now, you were growing feelings for him.

Which led to the turmoil. You knew there were several roadblocks to your feelings. First was the fact that you were human, and he was a merman. Despite the fairy tails, something like him turning into a human was an impossibility (and the fact there was no way in hell Vergil would ever want to).

And you were certain that he would never reciprocate your feelings. He might be cordial, even friendly with you, but the fact was: he was your prisoner. Anything he would feel would be tainted by the fact that he could never escape, despite him denying your requests to free him every morning. (You still didn’t know why he said no, but you remember Doctor Griffon had something called a ‘leash’, did it have anything to do with that?)

This wasn’t right. You shouldn’t feel this way. You were practically a married woman, only a month and a half to go. Fredrick would be home soon, and the final preparations were already in progress. You couldn’t hurt your fiance like this, you couldn’t hurt yourself, and you certainly couldn’t hurt Vergil.

So, you made up your mind, you needed to set him free. But if he kept saying no…. Well, you’d find a way to convince him, or find a way to get him home. That way, he’d be happy and free.

Even if it broke your heart….

A slight splash took you out of your morose thoughts to see the still sleepy, yet piercing grey eyes watching you curiously. His head was cocked to the side, and for a brief moment you panicked, terrified that mind reading was another merfolk ability. But you needn't have worried, as he gave you a small smile.

“Did you sleep well?” he asked, and you faked a smile, masking everything you felt at the moment.

“Never better” It wasn’t a lie. Even after the emotional rollercoaster you had been on yesterday, and the most awkward dream (you were pretty sure merfolk couldn’t command sea life), you felt more refreshed than you had in months. You looked up at the skylight, still flooding the room with burnished bronze.

“I don’t usually wake up at the crack of dawn, it feels weird,” you stretched and yawned. You got up to make some breakfast, (bacon did sound delish right now), but his hand gripped your forearm, causing you to freeze. Oh god, merely his touch, which once had been easily brushed off, now had the ability to stop you dead in your tracks.

“I... “ he asked, attempting to put words into a sentence, “I haven’t seen the Dawnfather rise in a very long time, not since my capture,” your chest caved in at that realization. He’d spent most likely a year or more trapped indoors, and the fact that he hadn’t gone insane was a miracle in itself. A lightbulb went off in your head. Perhaps, even if he declined your offer of freedom, there might be a way.

“Hey Vergil,” you asked hesitatingly, unsure if he'd get offended, “I have an idea…. I, uh… how averse you are to be being carried?”

******

A few minutes later, you and him were sitting on your back patio, with him wrapped in a wet towel. Surprisingly, despite his size he wasn’t too heavy to lift, and other than him being a bit slippery, you’d managed to carry him as if he was a fishy bride out of the house, and into the fresh air. All nervousness you had about him being insulted at being carried around like a prized tuna vanished as he let the first rays of sun hit his face. His eyes closed, his breathing stopped to nearly nothing, and for a moment, you’d thought he’d fallen asleep, but then… he smiled. It was soft, gentle, and absolutely genuine.

“It has been far too long,” he murmured. To himself, or you, you had no idea. It just made you feel so happy to see him look so content. You let him sit in the late dawn light in silence for a few minutes, just soaking in the natural light and air, fearing that reminding him of your presence would shatter the moment of calm. While he’d smiled at you before, this was unlike anything he’d done before. Was he like this in real life, out of captivity? Or was it just the reaction to being outside his little prison for once?

“I… I can bring you out more often, now that the weather is much better,” you stammered, “Or if you’d like I could just let you go back home…” the sentence hung in the air, lingering for a moment, before being blown away.

“While I appreciate the offer, I must still decline,” his smile did not abate as he looked at you, but there was something different about it, some sort of sadness? What was he hiding?

A robin chirped and landed a few metres away from the patio, pecking at the dewy soil, before breaking out into a song, as it’s mate came down to join it. Vergil watched in fascination as the two of them hopped and sang to each other, in a cute ritual of courtship.

“Do all birds do this?” he queried, “we do not see them very often on the open ocean, they’re usually either feeding or en route to a new location. Their cries are not as musical, or perhaps they do not sing while on the wing.”

“Not all, some use their plumage to attract their mate, some do dances, some sing, and some do all three” you explained, watching as the birds flew off in tandem, before disappearing into the branches of a nearby spruce tree. You closed your eyes, enjoying the first rays of sun, and listened to the distant chirping and song. For once, there was no wedding preparation, no business deals, just you, nature….and your feelings for the man beside you. You attempted to shove those intrusive thoughts back into the deep recesses of your mind, including the latter. ESPECIALLY the latter.

A beautiful melodious sound seeped into your ears, one that confused you. No bird that you knew of had that crystal clear tenor song. Perhaps you were just imagining it? You slowly opened your eyes, worried that it would be carried away like a dream upon waking. In the clear sunlight you saw what it was coming from, and you were entranced. Not a bird, nor the wind, nor a tune coming from your cell phone.

It was Vergil. Singing.

Isil shem’ore

Isil lin’ore

Mira pharar, mira ofar, mira kanar,

D’rashana karif’ore

Isil dilshonin sa oplalim

Sa kintal o sa polim

Sa racarto shipal o sa whelik

Nekalin parand’ore fa pishim

Ah, mira sifa, mira sifa

Winik fa pishim lin’more.

His eyes remained closed as he finished the haunting melody, leaving everything else seeming muted and drab in comparison. You let the silence linger for a few moments, hoping against hope that perhaps he would go into another verse. And also because you had to take a minute to keep the tears from flowing. You didn’t want to give him the wrong opinion of why you were crying.

“That was…. beautiful,” you slowly spoke, just above a whisper, as you quickly wiped your eyes. Vergil smiled at you, just like he had when he had taken his first breath of fresh air, and you felt yourself heat up, and you hoped it was because of the intensifying sunbeams. “That was Old Mer, right? Do you mind giving me a rough translation of it?”

He cocked his head and averted his eyes, and for a brief moment you thought you had overstepped your bounds. “It’s… an ode to the rising of the Dawnfather, a celebratory song.” “You know,” you joked, “we have legends of the alluring sound of merfolk, whose entrancing songs would lure ships to their doom. I guess there’s a kernel of truth in that.”

“Well, we never wished to draw attention to ourselves” he explained, “but when you humans are spending multiple cycles alone on your ships, I suppose any source of singing could be considered captivating”

You laughed of the mental image of some poor godforsaken sailors being lured in by a bunch of mermen singing the equivalent of a raunchy ballad. “Well, it’s absolutely gorgeous, would you mind singing it again? I mean,” catching yourself, “if it isn’t against your customs or anything.”

He chuckled, and closed his eyes, and with that, began singing again, just as beautiful as before. The only thing that worried you was that he was turning a bit red. You hoped that his stay indoors for such a long time wouldn’t cause him to sunburn.

******

So, for the next few weeks, you’d added a new habit to your morning routine. You’d wake up earlier every morning, wrap him up in a wet towel and carry him to the back patio to soak up the sunshine. Occasionally, you’d cook up some breakfast to bring out to him, sometimes you’d just sit out and enjoy the mid spring air. And every so often, he’d start singing. Sometimes that song, sometimes others, but they were all beautiful. You really liked those times. You tried to bottle those feelings you had for him, but you couldn’t help it, his smile and singing would reel you back into admiring him.

But not today. You awoke to a deafening bang, and as you sluggishly panicked for a few moments, thinking an accident happened, before a flash of light from outside made you realize there was no issue, it was merely a thunderstorm.

You padded out, cheap instant coffee in a mug (despite your father’s insistence that you could afford better, your fellow college students had introduced you to your addiction) to the platform to see Vergil already primed and ready to go outside. There was electricity in the air, and not from the storm.

“Sorry, looks like the weather’s not great for our usual get together.” you apologized, but his eyes seemed different, eager.

“I don’t mind storms, in fact, I enjoy them very much” he replied, “If you are not against the idea, I would like to experience it first hand.”

So, you sat there, soaked to the skin within a few minutes as the rain poured down. You didn’t mind, especially when you saw the look on his face as the rain and wind hit him. With the sun, he had seemed the very picture of contentment. But with the storm, he looked practically ecstatic. There would be no singing today, especially with the howling of the wind and the roaring of the thunder drowning out everything, but you were willing to put your selfish desires away to watch him truly enjoy himself.

“It’s nice to have someone to enjoy the storm with,” you spoke, “my mother was always terrified of the things, father was always too busy, and my friends thought I was crazy to go outside during times like this.”

“I have always enjoyed storms, the sharp divide between the calm of the ocean, and the chaos when one breaks through the surface” he responded, a nostalgic smile on his face, “my brother and I would enjoy these times as finlings, seeing who could stay above the surface the longest before being swamped by waves.”

“Your brother?” you stiffened at the revelation. In all the months you’d known Vergil, he’d never divulged anything about his family. You’d never asked, letting him have as much privacy as you could give him, but you’d always wondered. If there were family members, perhaps you could contact them, to find a way to free him safely.

“Yes,” his smile faded, “had you told me that I would miss his annoying presence, I would have said you had been playing with the pufferfish for far too long. But now…”

“You had a falling out?” you probed gently.

“I suppose that would be putting it lightly,” he grimly explained, “you would have liked him, he was much more friendly with humanity than I ever was, even after….”

“Vergil, you don’t have to tell me anything, if you don’t feel comfortable,” you slowly told him, even though you were dying to know about this mysterious family member.

“No,” he replied firmly, his eyes going as hard as the driving rain, “you deserve to know this, after all this time,” and despite being soaked to the bone, and beginning to feel a chill, you focused intently on him.

“I resided with my brother, and my mother and father, most of the time to the north, where there were once innumerable fish. A few seasons ago,” he paused, refusing to face you, “a ship with one of those infernal nets that scoured the bottom of the ocean passed through, and despite my parents best efforts to evade it, they both got caught up in it.” he took another deep breath, and you held yours. “By the time my brother and I were able to cut through the ropes, it was too late, both were suffocated by the mass of fish that crushed them.” His hand went out and began to draw on the sole dry part of the wood, sheltered by the awning. “The ship had an unusual design on its hull, instead of the figure of the merfolk in better times, it was three marks…” he drew them out with his wet finger, three circles, one for each corner of a triangle, a jagged line connecting them. Your heart sank. The official logo of Mundus Inc. “I was furious, I would have sworn to wipe out every damn ship off the surface of the ocean at that very moment. But,” he pulled up his fins, hugging them close, “I knew that was impossible, so I decided to destroy every ship that carried that cursed mark. My brother, Dante, soft hearted as he always was, told me that going on a rampage ‘wouldn’t bring mom and dad back’ as he said, but my anger clouded my judgement, so when he attempted to stop me, we fought. It was a vicious battle, but in the end, I was victorious.”

“You didn’t...” you asked, horrified.

“No, I did not kill him, I’d already lost my parents, I was not going to destroy my last blood relation. We merely went our separate ways. Although,” he sighed as the wind and rain began to wind down, “perhaps it would have been better had I lost to him, captivity can be rather humiliating,” he turned to you, his smile returning, “at least it hasn’t been as bad as I had feared. I met you, after all.”

You flushed at his compliment, and you hoped he didn’t notice. His disdain for your father, and humanity in general now made perfect sense. Guilt by association flooded you. The fact he even tolerated you was more than you deserved for what the company you were about to take over had done. And now to add insult to injury, he was being kept prisoner by the killer of his parents. How he had restrained himself from strangling you these past few months was nothing short of amazing. The leash….. Perhaps that was the key to it all.

You shivered, partially out of the thought of how he must have hated you, and partially at how chilly you felt, now that the storm was over.

“Are you cold, Sifa? ” his voice intruded into your despondent thoughts. You looked up, to see him watching you in what seemed to be concern.

“A little…” you admitted, before the thought of what he said, “Sifa? What does that mean?”

Vergil was taken aback, as if he didn’t realize he spoke the word, before cautiously answering, “It’s an old mer term… it means, ‘human’. Not in a derogatory term though,” he clarified as you picked him up to bring him back into the warmth of your home, “more of a nickname. You do not mind…?”

“I like it! It sounds so beautiful!” you exclaimed. Vergil’s reaction seemed to be one of relief, which was odd.

You came back, dressed in dry clothes, and with some time to think. Perhaps, there was a way to get Vergil to the freedom that he so desperately craved.

Toweling your hair as Vergil scarfed down a plateful of sardines, you ventured, “Vergil, do you think your brother would want to know how you’re doing?”

He froze, brows furrowed as he thought hard about it. “He is fairly easy going, slow to anger, and quick to forgive,” he chuckled mirthlessly “a bit too quickly in my opinion.”

He seemed amenable to the idea of reconciling with his brother, so maybe… “If there was a way to contact him, to let him know you’re still okay, how would I be able to give him the message?”

There was an agonizing period of silence, before Vergil slowly reached for the amulet that was around his neck. To your astonishment, he took it off and handed it to you, like it was the most precious thing to him.

“This was a gift from our parents, I was given one, and Dante the other. It was a way for us, being twins to ‘sense’ each other’s presence. Taking this to the ocean should alert him to me, and if he is amenable to a reconciliation, he will come.” He looked at you, his gaze hard and fixed. “This information is not to be revealed to anyone aside from him.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Vergil, I’m honoured that you trust me enough with this” and he softened, smiling at you, “I swear to you,” you firmly proclaimed “I’ll keep this secret safe.”

*****

It was the third day you had taken out your personal sailboat out into the bay. The fates could not have aligned better. The weather was perfect for sailing, the last of the wedding preparations had been completed, and your father was still out on business, leaving you with days of free time. And due to it being mid week, any nosy pleasurecraft were nowhere to be seen.

Well, it would have been perfect, if the guest of honour had shown up. Three days you’d been sailing, looking like Captain Ahab searching for your Moby Dick, except he hadn’t appeared. You’d spend all morning, docking around noon for a quick lunch and a phone call to Fredrick (He was planning to come home with your father, but business would keep him in Japan until the very last moment, much to your dismay), before heading back out, sailing far enough from the shore to give you some privacy, but close enough to the shallows so that it was safe for your small vessel.

Each day ended the same, with you coming home, looking at Vergil despondantly, shaking your head and handing back the amulet for him to keep for the night. Your failure seemed to affect him as well, and you could have sworn his tail was losing its newly regained lustre. But he would always seem to be hopeful when he handed it back to you the next morning.

So, this afternoon was no different as you fingered the precious gem around your neck. It felt wrong to wear it like that, but he had assured you that he didn’t mind, and besides, it would be less likely to get lost.

The only difference was that instead of eating a sandwich, or a smoothie, you had treated yourself, and bought yourself a pizza. So you sailed around the cove, humming the tune that Vergil had sung for you, attempting to take your mind off the fact that you’d seen neither fin nor gill of his brother. Part of you worried that perhaps this Dante wasn’t as forgiving as Vergil had said he was, or worse, he’d been captured as well....

PHUNK!

You lurched forward, nearly face first into the wheel, as the boat lurched to a stop. You picked yourself up, attempting to figure out what went wrong. You hadn’t hit anything, as the sudden stop didn’t feel like something blocking the boat, more like something pulling it. You quickly checked your anchor, assuming that perhaps in your worry, you were unaware that you had set the anchor by accident. But nope, the metal contraption still lay on the stern deck, the chain only mildly disturbed from the sudden stop.

Perhaps kelp? You closed the box of pizza, before grabbing your jackknife to cut whatever obstruction was holding your boat back. Heading to the stern, you crouched down to see what the hell was going on. You’d passed this area before, and never had any issues, and yup, even in this shallow water, you couldn’t see much vegetation, let alone anything that could snag your boat. Taking a deep breath, you plunged your head into the water to get a better look.

Of all the things you were expecting, a pair of eyes, white hair, and brilliant red scales wasn’t what that. You stared shocked for a few seconds, a few dumbfounded bubbles blurping out of your mouth, before the man’s (who aside from fin colour, looked like a carbon copy of Vergil) hands reached out, and with a vise like grip on your shoulders, yanked you clear off the deck.

You panicked at the sudden submergment and began flailing wildly, but his hands never loosened.

All you could hear, over the stream of terrified bubbles that contained your screams, was a voice echoing through your skull.

Where the Hell is my brother?

#Devil May Cry #Deep Blue Sea #Vergil x Reader #Mergil #Vergill #Sorry for the delay

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puppyexpressions · 4 years

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10 Great Apartment Dogs

Are you thinking about adopting a brand new puppy? It can be difficult making a decision on which type to get when all of their faces are just so darn cute! Whether you’re living in an apartment complex now or are about to move, you know you at least want to learn more about dogs that are best suited for apartments. We thought you might. That’s why we compiled this list of the most apartment friendly dogs for your consideration and although we’ve narrowed it down to the top ten, that doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of great pups out there! Use this list as a jumping off point to get you going in the right direction.

1. Pug

This snorting, wrinkly-faced little character with a cinnamon-roll tail is one of my favorite toy dog breeds. He’ll grow to be about 18 lbs (unless you over feed him and make him a big fatty!), follow you around the house, and want to sleep in bed with you. If you can’t stand snoring, then the pug is not your dog. He’ll wheeze louder than your drunken grandpa, who’s passed out in front of the TV. And his beauty is unique. But how can you stare into his cartoon-like eyes and feel anything but love? Unfortunately, due to those bug eyes, pugs are prone to eye injuries. But they’re easy going and affectionate, getting along well with other dogs and with cats too. So if your girlfriend’s high-maintenance Siamese has to stay, you won’t worry about your pug making a meal out of it (he might wrestle with it instead, so let’s hope the cat’s a fighter!).

Take your pug on daily walks and everyone in the neighborhood will admire his cute wiggle as he struts around town. Just be careful not to over exert him. Because of their brachiocephalic (fancy way of saying flat-nosed) faces, pugs can have breathing issues, especially in warm weather. So when you’re outdoors, watch your pug carefully for signs of overheating.

Grooming level required: High. This guy needs you to clean out his facial wrinkles on a daily basis to remove dirt and debris, and also requires daily brushing. Pugs shed a lot, so invest in a decent vacuum cleaner!

Noise level: Medium. Pugs aren’t going to bark without good reason.

Kid friendliness: High. If trained well, pugs enjoy children!

Exercise: Low. Don’t overwork or overheat this little sausage!

2. Bichon Frise

Your Bichon Frise will get along well with other animals, should you already own any. His energy level is high, so be sure to take him for walks in the park and to play indoor games as well. Except scrabble. He’s intelligent, but c’mon, he’s still a dog. If left alone for long periods of time, the Bichon suffers from separation anxiety. Workaholics who spend all day and night at the office will break his fluffy little heart!

Grooming level required: Low. The Bichon’s coat barely sheds, so this breed is good for people with allergies. Bichons do need daily brushing to keep their fur from matting. Also, a monthly bath is required to keep your dog’s coat white.

Noise Level: Low. He’s not prone to yippiness like the poor excuse for a dog that belongs to that crotchety old lady down the hall.

Kid friendliness: Medium. Bichons are good with children, but puppies should be handled by kids only under adult supervision.

Exercise: High. Get your Bichon out of the house regularly for a game of fetch, and practice teaching him tricks at home.

3. Chihuahua

I know what you’re thinking. Yo quiero Taco Bell. Three crunchy tacos supreme, please! But there’s a reason that the adorable Chihuahua is the star of commercials and Hollywood movies: she’s got that it factor! This little baby weighs in at 2-6 lbs, so she can definitely fit in your Fendi handbag. But you don’t need to be a reality show has-been like Paris Hilton to walk around toting one of these babies. Chihuahua’s can be bigger divas than J-Lo if overindulged, so remind your doggie who’s the boss. That being said, they’re affectionate, intelligent and fast learners.

Your Chihuahua’s larger-than-life personality means she’s loud and talkative. Forgetting her size, she’ll probably challenge the Doberman down the block to a fight, so be careful when you’re on walks together. This go-anywhere companion needs a loving owner to take care of her for the next eighteen years. If that scares the bejesus out of your commitment-phobic self, this dog is not for you!

Grooming level required: Low. You only need to brush once a week.

Noise level: Medium to high. These dogs like to talk!

Kid friendliness: Low. It’s too dangerous to have these tiny dogs around children under the age of eight, because your Chihuahua might get injured. But do socialize her around kids.

Exercise: High. Chihuahuas need 20-30 minutes of daily exercise, and are eager to keep playing, so make sure your dog doesn’t wear herself out.

4. Poodle

There’s a reason there are so many -oodle bred dogs (goldendoodle, labradoodle, schnoodle, etc)! Poodles are one of the best-behaved and even-mannered breeds you can own. They’re also hypoallergenic so people with allergies won’t have to worry! The poodle is the second most intelligent dog breed which makes them incredibly skillful and quick learners . Although they are slightly larger in size, they’re also skinny so tend to fall under most apartment weight limits. They are relatively quiet, don’t have large amounts of energy, and tend to get along well with other dogs and humans. Basically, Poodles are every apartment accommodating personality trait rolled up into the perfect pup!

Noise level: Low. You’re more likely to hear your neighbors getting rowdy during a game of Pictionary than hear your Poodle make a racket.

Kid friendliness: High. Poodles love kids. Simple as that.

Exercise: Medium. Poodles do have a good amount of energy but that doesn’t mean they need to be running around in open spaces all the time. Exercising their minds with thinking games and training inside your apartment work just as well!

5. Shiba Inu

This member of Japan’s six native dog breeds is known for her fun personality, pointy ears and agility. Your friends might point out that your curly-tailed Shiba resembles a fox and is like a Ninja Warrior! Weighing in at 20 lbs, she’s nimble, quick, keen and alert. The Shiba is fiercely independent, which is why it’s important to socialize her early with other dogs. This smarty-pants may think she knows what’s best, so look for a trainer who understands this breed’s unique mindset.

Another thing- your Shiba doesn’t like to share her toys. She’ll guard her belongings with her teeth bared. Be sure to give your Shiba Inu enough exercise with a neighborhood walk or jog. But if you take her off leash, be careful-she’ll chase cats (if you live in an urban neighborhood like mine) or squirrels, and could potentially be aggressive with other dogs. If you don’t appreciate her firecracker personality, the Shiba might not be for you. But give her love and she’ll love you right back, charming you with her spunk and loyalty.

Grooming level required: Low, though she’ll shed heavily twice a year. Ready to splurge on that Dyson vacuum yet?

Noise level: Medium. She shouldn’t bark unless something suspicious is going on, or another dog is making her feel threatened.

Kid friendliness: Medium. The Shiba Inu will be friendly towards children as long as they treat her with kindness and respect. No tail pulling!

Exercise: Medium. Getting outside is important for this breed. Make sure she gets a good daily workout.

6. Chinese Crested

Some refer to the Chinese Crested as the worlds ugliest dog? But if you’re sick, your Chinese Crested will lie in bed with you for hours. This 12 lb sack of love will fall in love with you, make you her world, and never leave your side. If you’ve just gone through a soul-crushing breakup, the Chinese Crested will nurse your blackened heart back to health.

This heat-loving canine can lounge in the sun like a lizard, so if you live in the Arizona desert, a Chinese Crested is for you. However, he has no tolerance for cold, and can’t be exposed to it as a means of ‘toughening up.’ Please don’t torture your dog, let him be comfortable!

Like that time you sent your ex-boyfriend two hundred text messages, your Crested also suffers from separation anxiety. Be careful, this David Blaine-esque dog can escape from almost any enclosure, and will dig, bark and climb if he’s freaked out. But he’ll play games, cuddle affectionately, and love your family with all his hairless little heart.

Grooming level required: Medium. Even though he’s hairless, the hair he does have needs to be trimmed. Also, he needs to be bathed regularly.

Noise level: High. Yep, this guy’s a talker. He’ll bark to protect his home, and sometimes he’ll sing!

Kid friendliness: Medium: They do well with kids, but small children could be a danger to the dog because he’s so tiny.

Exercise: Low. Chinese Crested dogs will tire out after about 15-20 minutes of play time and want to go back to their den. But they can jump over low fences, so be careful not to let them escape!

7. Boston Terrier

This tuxedo-wearing gentleman is a dapper and affectionate dog. The only problem? He might be too smart for his own good. 10-25 lbs of stubbornness in a handsome black and white coat, Boston Terriers can be hyperactive at times. But they’re so incredibly cute, all bad behavior is forgiven. Just look at those big round eyes! Not to say that Boston’s are all trouble. Like Matt Damon’s character in Good Will Hunting, they’re fighters on the outside, but loving and affectionate at home. Because they’re in the same class of dogs as pugs (brachycephalic), these guys are prone to over heating. Their funny antics will amuse all your friends, as will their snorting, drooling and flatulence. That’s right- don’t get a Boston Terrier if fart jokes make you uncomfortable. These dogs are usually quiet, but like a true Bostonian, they’ll get scrappy if another male invades their territory. How about them apples?

Grooming level required: Medium. Brush your Boston weekly and wash his face everyday, to check his eyes for redness or irritation. Like the pug, these big-eyed dogs are prone to eye problems.

Noise level: Low, except when another male is on his turf.

Kid friendliness: High. Bostons love children!

Exercise: Medium. These dogs are fairly inactive indoors. He’ll take a walk with you, and he loves to play, but then he’ll tire out and take a nap.

8. Cavalier King Charles Spaniel

You fell in love with her as Elizabeth Taylor, Charlotte’s dog in Sex and the City. (If you’re a chick, then like me, you’ve probably seen every episode more than once). The Cavalier King Charles Spaniel is intelligent, sweet and tail-waggingly cute. Cavaliers are attached to their owners and like to be spoiled. They shouldn’t be left alone for long, so part-time workers or stay-at-home moms make good owners. Cavaliers are too friendly to become good guard dogs. Please don’t rely on your girl as an alarm system! After barking at an intruder, she’ll probably try to lick his face off. At 13-18 pounds, the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel is the perfect size for apartment dwellers. Cavaliers enjoy a good game of chase; therefore, cats should be ready to play tag. But your parakeet will get eaten…seriously. So yeah, don’t own a bird. You can’t take the hunting instinct out of this English lady!

Grooming level required: Medium-High. Brush their coat 3-4 times a week and bathe the dog when necessary.

Noise level: Low. The Cavalier might bark when someone comes to the door, or she’ll just ignore it and keep quiet.

Kid friendliness: High. She’ll sit on your daughter’s lap while watching Spongebob.

Exercise: Medium. Take her out for walks, but don’t let her off the leash. This poor little princess has no street smarts whatsoever, and might run in front of a car.

9. English Bulldog

There’s a reason the English Bulldog has been chosen as a mascot for so many universities and sports teams. The breed is known for being tough and tenacious, but personally I think the bulldog’s squashy face is too adorable to be intimidating. I mean, look at that broad head and those stubby legs, that funny under bite and all those wrinkles! The laziest of dogs, this 40-50 lb guy is perfect if you want someone to cuddle with. Though they’re courageous and protective of their families, bulldogs are also friendly and playful. You might think it’s cute when your bulldog snores (not so cute when he farts), but beware of the many respiratory problems they’re prone to. You better start pumping some iron at the gym because you’ll need to be able to lift this fatty when it’s time to take him to the vet! Your bulldog will sleep until it’s time to eat again (just like your good-for-nothing ex-husband), so don’t expect a lot of activity from him. Though he loves children, you won’t find your bulldog playing fetch at the family barbecue. He’ll be sitting next to you, waiting for his hamburger patty.

Grooming level required: Medium. Brush his coat once a week and clean the wrinkles of his face every day with a damp cloth. He’s an average shedder: brushing more than once a week will reduce the amount of hair.

Noise level: Low. They are too lazy to bark. In fact, he’s probably asleep.

Kid friendliness: Very high. This tolerant sweetheart will let your toddler torment him.

Exercise: Low. He won’t want to go on a walk, but you need to take him anyway. Once a day is fine. But keep him away from swimming pools and hot tubs. He can’t swim!

10. Bitsa

What’s a Bitsa you ask? A bitsa this and a bitsa that! In other words, a mixed breed, a mutt, a few little slices of heaven all mixed into one great dog. Mixed breeds are great because they tend to not have any super dominant traits. Since they’re a mix of different breeds, their personality traits tend to blend together into a much more mellow mutt. A mellow temperament helps this dog breed adjust to a variety of households and living conditions more easily. Bitsa’s are also statistically proven to be healthier than purebreds, so if you’re spending extra on pet rent or a deposit, you’re more likely spending less at the vet. Lastly, because they are a combination of breeds, you’re more likely to be allowed to have say a pitbull-mix than, unfortunately, if your dog is predominately pitbull.

Noise level, kid friendliness, and exercise all depend on the specific dog you have but can be highly affected by the way they are raised!

#apartment dogs #dog breeds for small spaces

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brudnopis · 4 years

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Directors mentioned by name:

• Jean-Luc Godard • William Greaves • Christopher Nolan • Judd Apatow • Billy Wilder • Charlie Kaufman (meta!) • George Clooney (mentioned as a handsome celebrity, not a director) • Sidney Drew • Jean-Pierre Melville • Alain Resnais • Oscar Micheaux • Georges Méliès • Wes Anderson (later nicknamed Wanderson) • Martin Scorsese (later as 'Scorseso', then later as 'Marvin Scorsesso') • Quentin Tarantino (deliberately misspelled as 'Tarrantinoo') • Sidney Poitier (mentioned for his acting work in To Sir, With Love) • Alfred Hitchcock • Harvey Weinstein (mentioned as a terrible human being, he also happens to have directing credits) • William Dear (protagonist B. Rosenberg's film professor) • Paul Thomas Anderson (nicknamed Panderson, later mentioned as one of the Paul Andersons) • Jean Cocteau • Ron Howard (as 'Ronson Howard') • Giuseppe de Liguoro • Francesco Bertolini • Adolfo Padovan • Sam Shepard • Vsevolod Pudovkin • Tony Scott (in reference to A.O. Scott, possibly a tribute to the director) • Marc Forster • Zach Helm (as 'Zachary H. Elms', in reference to his Stranger Than Fiction writing credit) • Manolo Cruz • Carlos del Castillo • Lav Diaz • Juho Kuosmanen • Danis Tanovic • Koji Fukada • Thomas Vinterberg • Hannes Holm • Makoto Shinkai • Martin Zandvliet • Preston Sturges • Alec Baldwin (as a Baldwin brother) • Angelia Jolie (as married to Brad Pitt) • Russell Crowe (as 'Russ Crow', for "crazy blinking" in A Beautiful Mind) • W.C. Fields • Luis Bunuel • Alexander Payne • Francois Truffaut • Kurt Maetzig • Lana & Lily Wachowski • David Cronenberg (as 'David Cronenbauer', and later as 'Dave Cronenberg') • Robert Altman (as 'Bobert Altman') • Jean-Pierre & Luc Dardenne • Vittorio De Sica • Satyajit Ray • Bob Balaban (mentioned as an actor in B. Rosenberg's daughter's film, playing a fictionalized version of B.) • Jonah Hill (mentioned as the star of a hypothetical Charlie Kaufman film) • Warren Beatty • Michael Cimino • Diane Keaton (mentioned as who B. had a falling out over with Warren Beatty) • Duke Johnson • Art Clokey • Andrei Tarkovsky • Ray Harryhausen • Willis H. O'Brien (initially misspelled as Wallis O'Brian) • Andy Warhol • Hal Roach • Yoko Ono (mentioned in reference to her art piece 'Wish Tree') • Giovanni Pastrone • Richard Burton (referenced as one of Bettie Page's ex-husbands, which is false) • Goldie Hawn (President Donald J. Trunk has a signed photograph in B.'s dream) • Lin-Manuel Miranda (in reference to a fictional White House rap. Note: Lin's directorial debut is in production) • Mike Myers (in reference to Austin Powers/Dr. Evil) • Alexander Sokurov • Francois Ozon • Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck • Claire Denis • Dome Karukoski • Masato Harada • Jakub Paczek • John Trengove • Charlie Chaplin (mentioned for his "dapper insouciance") • James Cagney (an actor who wore lifts) • Burgess Meredith (an actor who wore lifts) • Al Pacino (an actor who will wear lifts) • Buster Keaton • Melvin Frank • Mike Nichols (as 'Michael Nichols') • Nicolas Cage (mentioned as star of Adaptation.) • Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle • Sofia Coppola • Jerry Lewis • Shawn Levy • Rainer Werner Fassbinder • Paul Reubens (reference to Pee-wee Herman) • Robert Downey Sr. • Werner Herzog • Steven Spielberg (as 'Steve Spielman', later as 'Steve Spielberg') • Frederick Wiseman • John Candy (reference to Uncle Buck) • Beyonce (a safe talking point) • John Carpenter • Stephen King (as author of Christine) • Antonio Campos • James Cagney (as star of Man of a Thousand Faces) • Ludmil Staikov • Burt Reynolds (as star of fictional Children of a Lesser God theatre production) • Gary Oldman (mentioned in reference to his performance as Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour) • Carl Theodor Dreyer • Robert De Niro (incorrectly mentioned as star of Taxi) • Tod Browning • Alan Alda (reference to his character in M*A*S*H) • Ingmar Bergman • Ike Barinholtz • William Friedkin • Maya Deren • Samuel Fuller

Note: Directors most frequently mentioned throughout the novel are Jean-Luc Godard, Christopher Nolan, Judd Apatow, Charlie Kaufman & Wes Anderson.

TV shows mentioned:

• The Courtship of Eddie's Father (1969–1972) • Blossom (1991–1995) • Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974) • The Bernie Mac Show (2001–2006) • Friends (1994–2004) • Grey's Anatomy (2005–present) • M*A*S*H (1972–1983) • Black Mirror (2011–present) • The Twilight Zone (1959–1964) • American Idol (2002–present) • Happy Days (1974–1984) • The Flintstones (1960–1966) • Doctor Who (2005–present) • Fox & Friends (1998–present) • Taxi (1978–1983) • Mad TV (1995–2009) • Trapper John, M.D. (1979–1986) • Bob's Burgers (2011–present)

Fictional films and TV shows mentioned:

• Herbert and Dunham Ride Bicycles (1896) [prologue] • Moutarde (dir. Rene Chauvin) • Gravity in Essence (dir. B. Rosenberg) • Ich Habe Keine Augapfel (dir. Heinrich Telemucher) • Untitled (dir. Ingo Cutbirth) • Help Me, Teach! (starring Robin Williams) • Teacher of the Year II (starring Robin Williams) • The Teacher Who Cared Very Much (starring Robin Williams) • Professor Salvador Sapperstein and the Sad Students of Salisbury High (starring Robin Williams) • Help Me Again, Teach! (starring Robin Williams) • I Am Your Teacher and I Love You (starring Robin Williams) • Jolly Roger (dir. Nunley, 1952) • Found Again (dir. Kertes Onegin) • Thyestes/Obliviate (dir. Tobleg) • 10th Birthday Party for Bobby [home video] • It's Tough Being a Teen Comedian in the Eighties! (dir. Judd Apatow) [#4 in B. Rosenberg's top 10 of 2016.] • Soy un Chimpance (dir. Unknown) • Untitled [orphan film festival film B. Rosenberg watches and describes in detail] • So You Want To Be a Funny Guy? (dir. Judd Apatow) • It's Not Appropriate to Punch Him (Cowlick) • Shrimp Coctail for Two [TV show] • The Doctor Is In[sane]! [TV show] • Who Shall Remain Nameless [hypothetical film directed by B. Rosenberg] • Dysgu i gi bach gachu (dir. Talfan) • Here Come a Coupla Fellas (starring Mudd & Molloy) • Ain't She a Corker, Boys? (starring Lucy Chalmers) • Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Robot From the Phantom Creeps [fictional film within Ingo Cutbirth's film] • Father Nose Jest (dir. Grace Farrow, B. Rosenberg's daughter) • A Coming of Rage Story (dir. Grace Less) [film within Grace Farrow's film above] • Dreams of Absent-Minded Transgression (dir. Charlie Kaufman) • Guns Blazing (dir. B. Rosenberg) [hypothetical film] • Woomin! (dir. Grace Farrow) • Woman of the Ear (dir. Sharon Old Bear) • Citizen Funny Guy (dir. Judd Apatow, a Citizen Kane remake) • The Notorious Vice Lords (starring Lance Farmer, who is an actual tornado) • What's Buzzin', Cousin (starring Rooney & Doodle) • What's Tickin', Chicken [hypothetical competing Abbott & Costello film in Cutbirth's film] • Mudd and Molloy Meet the Unseen Man [planned Mudd & Molloy film] • Fingerspitzengefuhl (dir. Sterne) [#5 in B. Rosenberg's top 10 of 2016.] • Hey, Timothy Gibbons, This Is Your Mother Calling! (dir. Judd Apatow) [#4 in B. Rosenberg's top 10 of 2017.] • Bad Luck in Bumfuck (starring Mudd & Molloy) • Mudd and Molloy Meet the 32 Foot Man (starring Mudd & Molloy) • Well Plastered (starring Rooney & Doodle) • Morons of Arabia [planned Mudd & Molloy film] • Scream Me to Sleep (dir. Egg Friedlander) • I Wake Up Sleeping [film within B's dream] • Willibald and Winibald [Hanna-Barbera TV show] • Pachinko (dir. Eisentstein) • Effluence (dir. Frederick Wiseman, 1978) • Quod Erat Demonstandum (dir. B. Rosenberg) • Issues at Hand (dir. B. Rosenberg) • Cave (dir. Plato) • Lumpy Mattress (dir. Mamoud, 1958) • Kitsui Kutsu (Tight Shoes) (dir. Kitagawa, 1997) • Hey, I'm Not Just a Towel Boy, Fellas (dir. Judd Apatow) • What A Sight! (directed by and starring Calcium, an ant) • Calcium Carbonate (directed by and starring Calcium)

#charlie kaufman #antkind

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murderdaddymayhem · 5 years

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Going To Disneyland With The Slashers Headcanons

Requested by anon!

Charles Lee Ray/Chucky:

In human form, Charles fucking hates it. He barely even tolerates it for you.

In doll form, Chucky loves it. Free food and souvenirs, and he doesn’t have to pay to get in (”Why would I pay $200 of our hard earned money to go sing with woodland animals?” was always his argument). He can sneak onto rides, he can hide and pose as an animatronic. He laughs every time he makes a child point and cry.

Beetlejuice

Knows literally everyone in the Haunted Mansion. “Ghostie Hostie! It’s me, ya boy!” Everybody thinks he works there. He pretends he does so he can lead them off to weird places of the park when all they wanted was a dole whip. Haha. That wasn’t funny Beej, that kid is crying now.

Jack Torrance

He tolerates it, but if it makes his girl happy, he’ll pretend he’s having a good time. He just won’t go on It’s A Small World. Anything. But. That. After a while though, he can’t take all the screaming little brats, and hangs around the Tower of Terror. Come to think of it, he’s still there... wait-- is that a black and white picture of him with the guests in the lobby?!

Tiffany Valentine

Is a huge fan of exciting rides, and is obsessed with everything Minnie Mouse. Will take a billion photos with you in front of the castle, and squeal every time she sees a princess. Her favourite ride is Snow White’s Scary Adventure-- a perfect mix of princesses and spooks!

Michael Myers (2007 or 1978)

Doesn’t really understand the hype. He spends half an hour admiring the pumpkins on the Haunted Mansion lawn having an existential crisis. He will hold your hand and take all your pictures for you if you ask him. You have to watch him like a child, because he’ll keep wandering back to stare at the pumpkins. Oh shit, look out! Loomis is in the doom buggy behind you two shouting about evil in the park.

Otis Driftwood

Complains aaallll day, grumbles, mopes, etc, but secretly, it’s making him pretty happy. Kind of. He didn’t get shit like this in his childhood, so it’s sort of therapeutic. If any character tries to talk to him, he flips them off. This almost gets you thrown out eight times. He likes Splash Mountain, and cheers (too loudly) for Br’er Fox to “kill that hip hopping little fucker before I do!” And why does he keep yelling "RUN RABBIT RUN!" at Br'er Rabbit??? Shut up, Otis. Please shut up.

Baby Firefly

Is having the time of her life, but has absolutely no regard for park rules. “What do you m e a n I can’t take my top off on pirates of the Caribbean, it was WET!” Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters is her favourite ride, because you get to shoot stuff. Pew pew.

Captain Spaulding

Kind of loves it?? Also he’s having a really great time terrorizing the children who keep coming up to him and asking him if he’s a real clown. “Heya kid! Go find your mama and tell her I said to go fuck herself! HAHA!” Disney tries to hire him as an entertainer, he tells them he wants a million dollars for it. Oh, he also really likes the Blue Bayou restaurant. Says their menu needs more fried chicken. Is thrown out.

Doomhead

Doesn’t want to be there. Would literally rather be dead. He doesn’t have time for this shit, especially when he should be preparing for the next 31. W h y did you bring him?

Stu Macher

Pretends he thinks it’s stupid at first to look cool, but is actually a little kid again. He holds your hand and drags you to his favourite ride, California Screaming, which he makes you ride 10 times in a row. All around, you’re incredibly dizzy by nighttime, but Stu’s excitement is worth it. It reminds him of happy times when he was a kid, before his parents divorced.

Billy Loomis

The perfect date. You two take pictures together, get Mickey and Minnie shirts, hold hands on all the rides. Billy likes going to some of the live shows too. Will do something cute, like ask the Dapper Dans to sing a romantic song for you two while you share a Matterhorn Sundae at the Carnation Cafe.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

It’s a theme park, so they’re happy to be happy with you there! :))) They like the Ferris Wheel the best, and practically empty out Gibson Girl’s ice cream supply. Oops. The cast member just went screaming cause Shorty jumped over the counter to grab some more. Oh no-- Slim just threw a waffle at Rudy. Security’s coming. Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Art the Clown

Loves It’s A Small World. You know why. He wants to chop off all the heads and hang them from strings, then fill the water with blood. You know what goes on inside that head. You know.

Pennywise (1990)

Gets annoyed with the children very quickly, and tries to munch quite a few. You have to watch him very closely, or there’s a fat chance the SWAT team will be called. You’ve explained that you’re at a very famous theme park, and can’t eat any children. Papawise clearly doesn’t give a fuck.

Pennywise (2017)

Realizes this is a big theme park and is basically a buffet, but understands after you explain that he can’t eat anyone in a place this public. He then moves on to taste testing literally everything in the park, because he’s hungry dammit, and the rides make his molecules float so he doesn’t like them. His favourite restaurant is Ariel’s Grotto.

Freddy Krueger

Thinks this is very dumb, but likes Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Heh. Heh heh.

Jason Voorhees

Much like Michael, Jason doesn’t really understand the hype around the park, and doesn’t know the characters, so he just gets his pleasure from watching you and the magic in your eyes. He thinks it’s adorable and will never get tired of it. Will hold your hand. Make sure his mask is on tight, cause he almost lost it on Space Mountain and had a fucking field day.

Bubba Sawyer

You made him watch a whole bunch of Disney movies before going, so he knows everything about everyone. He gets very excited about his favourite characters he sees walking around (he’s partial to Alice in Wonderland) but is too shy to meet them unless you walk up with him. He’ll also give you piggy back rides when your feet get tired! Don’t take him to the Tiki Room, loud noises upset him.

Chop Top

Is having the time of his LIFE. You will have to DRAG him from the park at the end of the day. He runs up to characters and asks them a bazillion questions that are sooo fucking hard to answer, sorry you have to deal with this nastyboi asking what your hair growth routine is today Rapunzel, but god is he excited. He wants to hit every ride, but gets lost trying to get there. He also buys a very nice pair of mickey ears to hide his plate. Don’t ask him to ever take them off, he won’t.

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ineffable-dads · 5 years

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A. Z. Fell and Co.

Good Omens OCs, Peter Walsh, Isabelle Crowley, Snake!Crowley, FLUFF, Awkwardness, Peter being a soft bean

Summary: The first time Peter Walsh and Isabelle Crowley meet. Crowley is amused.

A/N: I know nobody is going to read this, but I just wanted to write about my OCs meeting. If, however, you do read this PLEASE COMMENT AND REBLOG!!!

Word Count: 3.3K

Peter Walsh stood silently for a long while staring up at the words scrawled carefully across the top of the corner shop.

A.Z. Fell and Co. had long been a rumor among the lecture halls at University, particularly in the religious studies department. Students, professors, and even professors of the professors talked about the shop like it was a mystic castle on the moors, only appearing in the light of a blue moon.

Despite his major or perhaps because of it, Peter put little stock in the supernatural. Similar description of the supposed owner across all tellings as a dapper, slightly plump middle-aged gentlemen with white blonde hair and blue eyes and a propensity to kick one out of the shop with polite determination, could be written off with some degree of logic.

Strong genetics could certainly be a factor if the business was passed down through the generations. There was also the fact people had the amazing ability to create images out of whole cloth. For example, it is widely accepted in the western consciousness that the devil is associated with fire and the color red. There was no evidence for it and even some decidedly against, but the image isn’t liable to die any time soon. A.Z. Fell and Co. and its mysterious owner had simply fell victim to a similar affliction, Peter was sure of it.

All the same, there were things about the stories that did intrigue him; namely, the supposed quantity of quality religious text which lay within it’s walls. It was why he had tried to find it when he was in London, how he came to discover it had moved some twenty-five years previously, and was what finally brought him to the South Downs to a tiny shop snuggly placed in the corner of a quaint seaside village. It had taken him some time to get there and he wanted to breath in the moment of a job well done.

“Right,” he told himself. “Best foot forward then.”

A small chime of the bell welcomed him as the distinct musk of old books washed over his senses.

It was a bookshop if ever a shop had books in it. It was the kind of bookshop he read about as a child just before the protagonist was whisked away on some wild adventure. It had the right smell, the comforting soft browns of faded spines and the perfect temperature for curling beside the nearest window and laying there for hours.

He only had to take a cursorily glance at the titles to know the rumors didn’t do the collection justice. He picked up a random book to find not only was it a first edition of The Voyage Out, but it was signed by Virginia Woolf herself.

Upon seeing the signature, he all but snapped the book shut and placed it back on the shelf. He wasn’t entirely sure he was allowed to breath near the collection.

His eyes made a quick turn around the space. There was no one else there. Not even the mysterious owner who he was growing more curious to see. The door was unlocked and there was no closed sign. Just as it occurred to him, he ought to call out to someone, he heard a small rustling behind one of the shelves followed by low, indistinguishable whispers.

He let out a small breath, relieved he hadn’t accidentally committed a minor felony, and wandered over to the line of shelves. He turned the corner ready to greet the mysterious Mr. Fell, but the words died before they could even enter his throat.

A woman stood before him. A very pretty woman. A very pretty woman near his own age, who looked more at home among the shelves than anyone had a right to. She was dressed like a bookkeeper from her long skirt and buttoned up blouse to her large round spectacles. In her hand was cradled a tanning copy of what could only be a first edition of Oscar Wilde’s Poems in Prose. Even her mass of black curls only seemed to cement the impression of an eccentric intellectual as they perfectly framed her high cheekbones and brought a compliment to her dark skin.

The only thing to prevent his eyes from focusing solely on her, was their current preoccupation with the massive black python wrapped around her neck as comfortably as a knitted scarf. Its large head hung gently in the air at the same level where the woman held her book. If Peter hadn’t known better, he might have thought it was reading along.

“Can I help you?”

The words snapped him back to attention as he tore his eyes away from the snake.

He was suddenly very aware of the pounding in his chest and the fact his eyes had been wide open for solid minute. He blinked a few times in a row to make up the difference all while willing his heart to move back to a jogging speed.

He focused his attention now fully on the woman. This did little to help his nerves, but he found it easier to deal with. He had only been scared silent by something capable of killing twice in his life. One time after crossing through the neighbor’s yard when he was six only to be confronted with their rather enthusiastic guard dog and another after nearly getting hit by a spooked horse when he was twelve. Both experiences left him rather shaken and he hadn’t developed a system for coming down after the experience. Being scared silent by girls decidedly prettier than him, however, was something he had perfected.

“R-religious texts?” he managed.

The women stared at him a moment, a look of surprise quickly running across her features. “Two shelves down, near the front desk.”

Peter nodded, and quickly moved in that direction.

He was only partially aware of the murmuring behind him. The words “your idea” and “doesn’t scare easy” being the only clear ones. A part of him wanted to linger on the words and their meaning, but more pressing matters pushed the urge aside; namely, the largest collection of Bibles and books of prophecy he had ever seen in his life.

His mouth gaped as he stared at the titles. It was a theologian’s dream come true.

He let his eyes wander up and down the shelves not daring to soil any of the spines with his bare hands. He wondered if he should ask for a pair of gloves, but quickly dismissed the notion. The idea of having to face both the woman and her snake gave him a fresh wave of anxiety. Instead, he pulled his sleeve over his hand and carefully pulled a book off the shelf.

A deafening hiss came from behind the book just before a flash of black scales snapped out of the dark opening.

Peter jumped back, barely managing to keep hold of the book. The snake stared back at him with dangerous yellow eyes. Another hiss filled the air as its tongue flicked in and out of its open mouth. Peter then remembered snakes smelled with their tongues and was left with the same feelings a chicken has when cornered by hungry fox.

“That one isn’t for sale.”

The voice came straight into his left ear. He whipped around to see the woman standing barely three feet from him. Her arms were crossed, her eyes narrowed, and her lips were pressed into a fine line. In that moment, he wasn’t sure if he should be more frightened of her or the snake.

With caution, he slowly moved his hand back toward the shelf.

The snake seemed to understand as it retreated from it hole, allowing him to put the book back in its place. Unfortunately for Peter, the snake had decided to take a more precarious spot on top of the bookshelf, allowing it to keep its eyes on him and within biting distance.

Peter moved down the shelf, his eyes glancing between the snake, books, and the woman equally. His hand went for another title only for the snake to give the same warning hiss.

“That one isn’t for sale either,” the woman confirmed.

Peter didn’t even bother to look as he hand when for another book.

Another hiss.

“Not that one either.”

A pause followed. Peter felt the need to stay something, but the number and variety of stressors currently looking at him left him drawing a blank. He could only think in clichés and so let out a cough.

“Are these all on reserve?” he asked.

The woman’s expression didn’t change. “They’re not for sale.”

He nodded. His mind clinging to the wall as it crept cautiously towards an idea. He wasn’t going to leave empty handed. He was sure about that, but clearly a change of tactics was in order. Part of the legend of this place was the owner attachment to all of his books. Of course, he wouldn’t have a shop if he didn’t want people to at least look at the books, would he?

“Well, what if I don’t want to buy one?” he said, his mouth moving at the same pace as he mind; slowly, but with forward momentum.

“Excuse me?” The woman’s tone was more curious than accusatory.

Peter felt a small relief, giving him the boost he needed and picked up speed.

“I just want to look at them,” he explained. “I’m a student, you see, and frankly I can’t afford this stuff to begin with. Not stuff! I don’t mean it like that. I just mean…this is an amazing collection and I wouldn’t want to sell them either. But, you see, I really, really need to look at these books. Study them, I mean. I’ve got a dissertation to finish by PhD, and I literally can’t find works like this anywhere else. You don’t have to sell them to me, if you don’t want. And if you’ve got buyers for some of them, I understand, but if I could just read them. I’ll rent them if you like. Or hold my kidney’s ransom or whatever it is you want, but…”

He took a breath, finally getting his thoughts in some kind of coherent order.

“The simple fact is; I need these books. And they’re not going to be much use to anyone sitting on the shelf. Books are meant to be read and appreciated and learned from, and that’s what I’m trying to do. So, let me. Please.”

The woman, stared up at him with an unreadable expression. Despite his instincts, Peter maintained eye contact. Even if he couldn’t express why, he knew it was imperative he didn’t so much as blink during her investigation.

A small tug came to the corner of her lip until it formed into an amused half smile.

“That was quite an impassioned speech.”

She looked just a little impressed with him, and Peter felt his heart beat harder against his ribs. He was sure he was blushing too but was in no position to do anything about it.

“I meant it,” he said, his voice surprisingly steady, given the state of his insides.

“I’m sure you did. Was that your plan all along?”

“What?”

“Well you’re not from around here, obviously,” she said, matter-of-factly. “So that must mean you heard about this place when it was in London. And if you heard of it, you must have also heard about how the owner doesn’t actually like to part with part of their collection.”

Peter knew this was coming to something and so said cautiously, “More or less.”

“So that begs the question,” the woman continued, “was your plan to come all the way down here to the South Downs, to treat the shop as your own personal library?”

Peter opened his mouth. It hung there a moment, but no sound came out. He closed it again.

She looked at him expectantly, with the same unreadable expression he was starting to think was her default setting.

“It wasn’t plan A.” He said it slowly, unsure what line he crossed but trying to show atonement for whatever it was.

The woman let out a laugh. It was clear, bright, and if it hadn’t been at his expense, he would have enjoyed it immensely.

“I’m just messing with you,” she assured. “I’m sure it won’t be a problem.”

Peter blinked. “What really?”

She nodded. “I’ll have to double check with Papa, but I’m sure he won’t mind.”

“Oh,” he said, unable to keep the smile off his face. The legend might still have some truth to it yet. “Your Papa is the owner, then?”

“Yes.”

“So that would make you Ms. Fell?”

“It would make me Ms. Crowley,” she corrected.

The look of confusion must had been evident on his face as she elaborated. “My Dad got first dibs on the name. Though that does leave me curious, do you call every girl you meet, miss?”

“Only the ones that scare me.”

A wide smile spread across her face and Peter was faced with the mortifying realization he had said the words out loud.

“If I told you my name was Isabelle, would you be less scared,” she asked, still laughing at him behind her eyes.

Peter’s lip twisted upward despite himself. He did like her laugh, even the silent ones.

“Just a bit,” he said. “I’m Peter by the way, Peter Walsh.”

He offered her his hand, which she immediately took in hers.

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Peter Walsh.”

“Nice to meet you too, Miss Isabelle Crowley.”

Their hands dropped. Peter swore he could feel his hand tingle ever so slightly.

“I suppose I’ll be seeing you around then,” she said.

“Yeah,” Peter said, the thought of seeing her again leaving his brain a little fuzzy. He would be seeing her quite a bit if this worked out with her Dad. Almost every day. He did have a paper to finish after all.

Her head tilted to the side, her eyes narrowing slightly in confusion.

His stomach dropped then. He had been staring too long.

“Right!” he said, just a little too loudly. “Of course you will.” He pointed vaguely towards the door behind him, not having it in him to fully turn away from her. “I’ll just see myself out and see you tomorrow, maybe?”

She shrugged. “Only if you want to get started sooner rather than later.”

He stared to nod. “Yes. Good. Research. Books. I definitely need to get started. Tomorrow.” He couldn’t stop nodding, even as he slowly made his way towards the front door.

His back hit something hard, and it was only then did he realize he hadn’t bothered to turn around. He whipped around to see the shelf he had run into rock slightly, but not damage had been done.

Just above his head, he heard a small hiss. He looked up to see the snake staring at him. He didn’t think snakes were capable of showing any real emotion, but in that moment, he could have sworn the serpent was laughing at him.

He looked to Isabelle. She was trying her best, but the smile on her face would not be contained by the hand over her mouth.

Peter gave a short laugh, as if that would make it less embarrassing, and all but ran out of the shop.

The door shut behind him with a chime as cool sea air poured into his lungs. He took heaping gulps of it as if he had just come up from a deep dive. It hadn’t been real, had it? Logically it must have. It had just happened. All the same, the cobble stones beneath his feet, the sun glowing behind thin cloud, and the breeze against his skin felt more real than anything he had experienced in the last ten minutes. He turned back around, half expecting for the shop no longer to be there, like in all the story books where the protagonist can never find the little door beneath the staircase or the hole in the fence once they come back from the other side. But there it stood. The sign A. Z. Fell and Co. still hung over the shop door. Shelves of books could be made out through the window and Isabelle Crowley walked among them, book in hand, and the snake draped once again around her neck.

Peter took another breath and let it out slowly.

“Fuck me.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Isabelle couldn’t hold it in any longer. As soon as the door chimed shut, she let out a hearty laugh.

Her Dad joined her, his laughter coming out in a series of high pitched hisses.

“I think that went rather well,” he mused.

“Yes, you’ve successfully traumatized a grad student,” Isabelle said.

“Asss if you wasn’t your idea.”

Isabelle rolled her eyes and walked over to the shelf the serpent was perched on. She held out her arm, allowing him to slither down and curl himself around her neck.

“Do you think he will come back?” Isabelle asked, idly.

“Oh, I think ssso,” Crowley answered. “Ssseemed like the determined sssort. Besidesss, he’s got a reason to come back.”

Isabelle nodded, taking a quick glance around at the shelves of books and all the knowledge they contained.

“I suppose you’re right,” she said. “There really is no other place like it, is there?”

Crowley hissed out a chuckle.

She looked down at him, her brows furrowed in confusion. “What?”

He shook his head. “Nothing Izz, just sometimes, you act exactly like Aziraphale.”

She laughed it off, or at least tried to. The sound never even made it to her throat. She had assumed he was referring to her clear love of books, but something in his eyes told her otherwise.

“What did you think of him?” Crowley asked, before she could linger on the feeling.

“Who? Peter?”

Crowley shot her a sardonic look.

She shrugged, not knowing what else to do. “I don’t know. He seemed nice enough. A nervous wreck, but you did almost bite his face off.”

“Is that all?”

She stood silent for a moment. She wasn’t sure what to make of him. Everything in his demeanor and tone painted the image of a shy, slightly awkward academic. He was slim, but not overly so. Tall, but not too tall. A little pale, no doubt from the lack of sunlight in dark achieve basements. His hands fidgeted, but she didn’t get the impression he was perpetually nervous. All the same, there was something else about him.

His little speech spoke of an underlining passion. He knew what he had come there for and wasn’t going to leave until he got it. It hinted at a confidence she was interested to see more of.

Yes, she would like to see him again. She would like to talk to him and see if she could get him to smile that wide smile which lit up those green eyes of his. She couldn’t think of a single person she’d met with proper green eyes like that.

“Wouldn’t mind talking to him again,” she admitted. “Why do you ask?”

Crowley rocked his head from side to side, giving the effect of shrugging without shoulders. “No reason, just ssseemed like a bright young lad.”

Isabelle narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Why is it I feel like you know something I don’t?”

“That’s because I do.”

Isabelle frowned, but Crowley countered by playfully nudging her with his scaly head.

“Nothing you need to worry about, my girl, crosssss my heart. All will reveal itself, soon enough.”

She wanted to press the matter, but let it go. If her Dad wanted to play his little game, she’d let him. No real harm could come of it.

“So, which one of us is going to tell Papa we’re allowing someone to rent his books?”

“I did no such thing,” Crowley defended. “That’sss all on you. You explain it to him.”

She let out a groan.

“No good deed goes unpunished,” he teased.

“Right,” she grumbled.

It really was going to be a trick convincing her Papa. But then she thought of Peter, and all her doubts melted away. She could do it. She told him she could, and she would. No matter what it took.

#crowley #anthony j crowley #good omens #good omens fic #ineffable dads #good omens oc #isabelle crowley #peter walsh #isabelle x peter

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