#gotta try this multiple times to improve and maybe i will like it who knows.
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Slashers (& Friends) Taking Care of Sick S/O
Yeah guess who's ill. It's me... I'm a big baby when I get sick and I get really emotional and just wanna be cuddled so this is comfort for me.
Warnings: Mentions of being sick, otherwise none just fluff. Besides slashers who are their own warnings
Jesse Cromeans:
Doctor. Now. He wastes no time in getting his private physician to come examine you. Doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is
If it's something mild like a cold or flu he'll take over caring for you. Sure he could have some gourmet chicken noodle soup brought up to your room but no. He's doing it himself
If he can, he's postponing all work until you're better. He won't let you out of his sight. He's waiting until you wake up from your nap to offer you some water. He's not scared of getting sick either so if you want him to cuddle you in bed, he's doing it. Anything for you
Corey Cunningham:
Poor thing is worried sick (lol). He'll ask you multiple times if you want to see a doctor and if you do he'll take you pronto. If not he'll worry but you just have to remind him it's just a cold and you're not gonna die
He knows he's gonna get in trouble for it but he's calling in sick to work until you're better. His mom is gonna be shrieking about him spending so much time away from home but he doesn't care. He's your bedside nurse. He'll spoon-feed you even if you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself
You don't even have to ask. He's burrowed under the mountain of blankets with you. Here, have the remote. You can watch anything you want. He'll just be here in case you need him. Please need him. Taking Care of you makes him so happy even if he hates to see you feeling miserable
Erik Destler:
Is kind of oblivious at first. Won't really pick up any coughing or sniffling to start with. Once you start visibly looking ill and your symptoms worsen, then he gets nervous. He doesn't get sick too often himself so he doesn't know what to do
Will offer to find a doctor for you if it's serious, otherwise he'll need your guidance on what to do. He's got the basics down of fetching you a glass of water and food but that's kind of it. But just ask, once you ask for something he's more than happy to get it
Sadly he's got things to do throughout the day and frankly, he doesn't want to catch whatever you have. Can't make music if you're busy puking. So he won't be glued to your side. But he's attentive in nursing you back to health and if you plead and hit him with the puppy eyes, hell snuggle you at bedtime
Asa Emory:
Not at all concerned. At least not outwardly if he is at all. Takes you to the doctor if you need it. Otherwise that's about the extent of it. Or so you'd think
Surprisingly shows a bit of a heart during your illness. He's not going to be doting by any means, but he's on point with your care. Meds are offered on the clock. Hearty meals and your glass never gets below half full. He'll ask about your symptoms to gage your improvement
Sadly no, no cuddles for you. He's a professor and he can't really afford to get sick and miss work. You can't be sure- maybe it was just the fever- but you could have sworn you felt soft lips on your forehead before you fell asleep
Brahms Heelshire:
Panic time. He doesn't know what to do. He's baby. People take care of him when he's sick not the other way around
You gotta help him if you want any assistance. He's more than willing to do it, much to your surprise, but he's absolutely clueless if you don't specify what you need
Will absolutely stay in bed and cuddle you the whole time. He'll do what you need him to do like bring food but he's not doing house chores. He ends up sick from being in such close proximity to you for so long so now you both feel like shit
Karl Heisenberg:
Tries to hide his concern. Fails miserably. He'll say things like "oh you're fine. Just take some herbal tea you'll be ok tomorrow." Then when you either get angry at his insensitivity or try to power through it and it's painfully obvious how sick you are, he changes his tune
He won't take the whole day to dote on you but he does what he can. Actually pops by fairly frequently to check up on you. He'll surprise you by bringing you some treats, if you can stomach it. He'll also make a trip to the Duke for medicine
You'll wake up later on in the day to him having already crawled into bed with you, his head laying on your chest or shoulder. He does care about you but he's just weird about showing it. Please get better he misses you hanging out with him during his experiments
Thomas Hewitt:
The whole Hewitt house is in a tizzy because of him. He's frantically trying to explain to his momma what's wrong. And if you're anything beyond some allergy sneezes, your ass is staying in bed. Tommy will absolutely throw down if Hoyt tries to bother you about doing chores
He's doing double duty now because you're sick. And he's more than happy to cover for you! But it does mean he's more busy so he can't take care of you like he'd prefer to. He'll sneak off every 30 minutes to come check on you and see if you need anything
You can be sure however that once the days over he's all but diving headfirst into bed to snuggle up with you. He's not at all worried about germs. He's giving you all the hugs and kisses
Pyramid Head:
Clueless. So clueless. What's a germ? Why do you look like you're about to pass out? He doesn't know how humans work at all. He won't know what's wrong with you until you tell him and even then, he's not going to fully understand
He does understand, however, that you're weak and in need of care and that's going to make him super protective of you. Other monsters would swoop in to grab you in a second if he wasn't careful. He won't let anything get near you and he's more than happy to cradle you to his chest and carry you around if he must
Won't know how to help you much beyond protection. You'll have to ask him for food and water and... Well.. Silent Hill is lacking in the good food department. It's probably what made you sick in the first place. He'll scrounge around trying to find whatever he can for you tho
Michael Myers:
This bitch. He knows you're sick and he doesn't really care too much. Not unless it's serious. Then he's going to carry you to the ER and dump you right outside the doors so you'll get some medical care but otherwise? He's useless
He'll watch you and when he finally sees just how under the weather you are, that small almost hidden human side of him will try to help. Soup from a can that's been microwaved to lukewarm is about all he can manage
He's very observant so he'll see all your symptoms. But he'll just grab literally all the bottles of medicine and dump them on your lap for you to pick out the ones you need. He'll be surprisingly willing to let you cuddle him while you're sick tho. Gross sick things don't faze him in the slightest
Bo Sinclair:
Germaphobe. The instant you have a nasty cough, sneeze one too many times, or tell him you're sick, he's taking a good two paces away from you. You can keep your nasty germs away from him thank you
On the bright side, you actually get some peace and quiet so you're able to rest. He feels a little guilty about being mean so he will check up on you everyone once in a while, ask if you need anything. Don't be surprised if he makes one of his brothers take it to you tho
He'll try to refuse to to start with but if he sees that's upsetting you he eventually gets over himself and holds you tight. Will absolutely bitch and moan if you get him sick
Lester Sinclair:
I think this man's a walking petri dish so you probably got it from him. He'll be pretty level headed about it really. If not slightly upset cuz he's worried about you not feeling well but he won't lose his head unless it's serious
You're getting the finest dishes he can muster up. Are they good for a sour stomach? Probably not. But it's comfort food and he's worked so hard on it. He'll bring you all your favorite snacks
He'll take you into town to see a doctor if he has to. Bo won't like it but he's willing to face Bo's wrath for you. Or he'll go get medicine and bring it back. He's more than happy to pamper you throughout everything. Constantly holding you and pecking your face with kisses and saying "hope you feel better soon darlin"
Vincent Sinclair:
Doctor Vincent is in the house. Instantly asks you to list all your symptoms and gets to work trying to make you well again. Which sounds sweet and it is but he will force you to drink the nasty cough syrup no matter how much you protest
Keeps you in the basement with him so he can keep an eye on you and be within earshot if you call for him. He won't smother you but the instant you groan out his name he's there, ready to help
Will fix up dishes specifically for you and not share with his brothers. Bo's pissed cuz he wanted some of that delicious smelling gumbo. Vincent will happily put down anything he's working on to come sit or lay beside you. Whatever you need, he's got it covered
Jason Voorhees:
Another one who panics. Is it serious? What is he supposed to do? He only has limited supplies and he's not really in a position to get you to a medical professional. Are you going to die?? Please calm him down before he combusts
Every other second he's standing beside you, wanting you to tell him what you need. He'll make anything you want to eat. Might not be the best but... It's edible so there's that. Bless his heart. He'll even find an old teddy bear to tuck under your arm so you don't get too lonely while he's away in the kitchen
Not that it matters because he's instantly right back and not leaving your side. You want to cuddle? Absolutely he's right on it. Take a nap, he'll be right here when you wake up
Harry Warden:
Surprisingly sane as long as it's mild. He'll get worried if you need to go to the doctor because he can't be there with you so he'd really rather avoid that if possible. But otherwise he's calm about it
He'll have you lay down and get you anything you need. He makes sure you're alright and ready for nap before he leaves again. He doesn't see much need to stick around and hover over you when you're just snoozing so he'll be back later to check up on you
Beauty of the gas mask is he doesn't have to worry about germs. But honestly he'd be unconcerned about it anyway. He asks how you're feeling and when you answer him he's kissing your forehead. He says it's to check your temperature but the soft touch of his hands on your cheek reveal he's caring about you
Yautja:
Totally unbothered. Any illness you have is probably non-transferable to him anyway. And on top of that, his people's medicine is so advanced even a serious illness is nothing to worry about. He'll offer to have you seen by a physician but if you refuse and simply want to fight it off naturally he respects it
He doesn't really know what sick humans need so please tell him. He'll make a special trip all the way back to earth to get your favorite snack if that's what you want
He'll let you sleep when you want it but he's happy to entertain you by your bedside. He loves reading to you in his native tongue. You don't understand it of course but you like the sounds of all the clicks and find it soothing. In fact if you tell him about how earth cat purring has healing properties, he's scooping you up and nesting in the bed with you, purring up a storm. You don't know if it actually helps fight your illness but you both enjoy it regardless
#Jesse Cromeans#Laid to Rest#Erik Destler#Phantom of the Opera#Asa Emory#The Collector#Brahms Heelshire#The Boy#Karl Heisenberg#Resident Evil 8#Thomas Hewitt#Texas Chainsaw Massacre#Pyramid Head#Silent Hill#Michael Myers#Corey Cunningham#Halloween#Bo Sinclair#Lester Sinclair#Vincent Sinclair#House of Wax#Jason Voorhees#Friday the 13th#Harry Warden#My Bloody Valentine#Yautja#Predator#Aliens#Slashers#My Writing
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Entries from the Sidelines - Jotaro x Reader
Synopsis: A series of journal entries from a random student that is simping over you, not knowing that you were no longer free to date thanks to one menacing delinquent.
November 14, 1988
You won’t understand it at first but there are 2 things that are currently taking over my life right now.
The first one is weird and that’s me being able to see… ghosts? Demons? Spirits? I don’t know but I see them sometimes on a few people and they can do stuff. And then there’s my ghost.
Yeah. Yeah, I have my own personal ghost and I’m not sure if me having one is wackier or others having one is. Though gotta say my ghost is pretty lame and useless compared to the rest. It’s just some sort of magical keychain that doesn’t do anything but transform into ordinary stationary.
But enough of that, there’s still the second thing.
I have a crush. Like a massive crush on this girl who’s my classmate and former groupmate that one time.
Her name’s Y/N L/N and she’s one of the most talked about students around school and for multiple reasons.
Where do I begin about her? She’s really pretty and majority of the guys thinks so too. She does well in her studies. She’s friendly and welcoming. And I’ve heard she can sing too! I wish I could hear what she sounded like.
There must be something she had done for those 50 days of absence last year for her to improve this much compared to when I first saw her.
Talk about her absence was the gossip of the school, together with that scary delinquent who also was absent for 50 days. Many speculated they sort of cut classes together but I believe those were just rumors jealous girls made up so they wouldn’t think of that student as anything but single.
Though honestly seeing a guy and girl absent for the same number of days does seem suspicious, so I don’t blame them.
I should start connecting with her sometime soon, get that social points you know? And maybe by February or March, I’ll be able to confess my feelings to her.
Wish me luck!
December 14, 1988
Oh my god I actually managed to talk to her for the first time since our group project.
I intended to start as soon as possible and so I waited for the perfect time to approach her, and by appropriate time, I meant sometime around our snack or lunch break, or if I’m lucky, I’d be able to finish club activities and meet with her after classes.
So let me tell you how our conversation went.
After I mustered enough courage, I sought her out on one eventful snack break. Evaluating my performance, I did a pretty crappy job.
I stuttered a lot, my cheeks were fuming like crazy, and I couldn’t hold eye contact for more than 5 seconds. Fortunately for me, she was super understanding of my incapability to speak straight and that just made me even fall harder for her.
For that past hour, she picked up all of what I wanted to say through my broken sentences and even I was looking like a complete and utter fool, she wasn’t fazed by it at all and she even smiled at my goofiness. SMILED. Can you believe that?!
What a win, am I right? Well, here’s a bigger win: She can see my ghost thingy!
She called it a “Stand”? For some reason? But she was surprised that I had one, I asked why, and holy crap, she had one too! It was way cooler than mine- indestructible fabrics that she can shoot out or shield her body with.
A double win for me that day!
So, after that break, I was determined to maintain this friendly rapport we had so I urged myself to tell her If it was alright if we kept meeting up like this, and she said it was fine! I am making progress with her in no time. When she wasn’t too busy, we would meet up often on snack breaks and the seldom after-hours period.
Though I gotta say, after every meet-up we had, I always felt like someone was glaring at me from the shadows, but at the same time, it could just be my usual anxiety trying to distract me.
I offered to meet her up during lunch time, since I’ve heard it was a recommended time for people to bond, but she kept refusing the offer and said she was meeting with someone else during that time.
Honestly?... Made me a bit insecure because it could imply that she was meeting with another man, but I forced those thoughts out the drain and came with the rational thought that it was probably with a group of female students. She was a social butterfly after all.
By the time I’m writing this, I have attained “friend” status with her and I consider that win for me, since it was better than staying in the level of “groupmate” or “acquaintance”.
I’m seeing hope for this! Perhaps I’ll achieve that “boy” before the “friend” by March!
January 14, 1989
Valentine’s day is on the next month and the status of “close friend” seems to be in my favor.
I say that but I noticed how every other guy in school approached her even if it was for a minute or 2. I have a hunch they were thinking the same thing too. She was as accommodating as she was with me when we first met that day, but I swear I could see the slight discomfort in her body language when engaging with them.
That discomfort wasn’t present whenever she was with me.
Ha! Good thing I started early! Serves them right for picking on me for being a nerd.
I kept up with our regular meet-ups and I’d say progress with her is going better than expected! She began sharing random trivia facts about herself and I said mine in return and she smiles more too! Yes, all according to plan.
But something came up when I stepped into school for the first time this year.
I had to be extra early for a school project and so by being early, I get to see most of the students arrive to school, including her.
Here’s the thing.
Remember when I said every guy approached her at least once to try and get into her good side? I meant that literally and they were all either the good-looking ones or the troublemakers who always picked on me. However, there was the one student who didn’t bother trying to get close to her.
That very tall, tough-looking delinquent with the ripped hat and golden chain who looks like he could snap anyone’s back anytime with no problem.
He was pretty much the delinquent of delinquents because every other bad student with an attitude who ever crossed his path physically cowered and turned away as if they didn’t want to be in a fight with him.
And because of his infamous nature, of course every female student would congregate around his presence, squabbling for his attention like seagulls.
All except for her.
And it felt like a heavy weight doubled with another weight were lifted off my chest knowing the school’s darling and infamous bad boy weren’t interested in each other.
But going back to that early period before classes bit, she arrived minutes after I did and the second she stepped into the building, all the guys began quietly murmuring to themselves about her, how they’re totally gonna receive sweets on Valentine’s from her. To which I rolled my eyes at.
Then after another few minutes passed, the loud noise of girls from a distance was an enough of a tell that that delinquent arrived as well.
She was standing by the lockers that time, fixing her stuff as he walked by with his flock of fangirls behind him.
And then this happened- A single strip of her Stand’s fabric shot out from her side, and then at the same time, a muscular purple arm manifested out of the delinquent’s back to reach forward and gently grasp the fabric that wrapped itself around the hand.
The heck? That guy’s got a Stand too?! A cool one at that?! And it’s holding her Stand??!
It was brief but it was strange. What’s stranger is that when that happened, she was smiling with pink on her cheeks the same time that guy tipped his hat over his face. And then they went on their merry way as usual.
Had to up my ante after that happened. Gotta say… she hasn’t noticed my growing insecurities and she’s still pretty close to me.
Like my parents said, as long as I believe in my goals, it’s bound to happen!
February 14, 1989
The day arrived! And even if I admittedly think I did pretty poor job in establishing a bond with her, the events of what had happened turned out quite great actually!
So let me tell you.
When snack break happened, all the girls began their move and started giving out chocolates. Some of my classmates got one, others who are kind of in my level didn’t get any (to which I call foul), the bullies got at least one too though I think they threatened a girl to get it, the male faculty got some appreciative chocolates…
And then there’s the egregious number of candies being given to that delinquent. I’m talking about a full circle of girls either placing their chocolates on his desk or in his locker that came with sticky notes of love.
Just to double check, I kept an eye on both his desk and locker if she did the same as they did. Creepy I know but… at least I’m not actively stalking anyone. Just on watch-out.
And good news! When she began distributing a piece of chocolate to the boys she acquainted with around school, she didn’t leave one at any of his belongings.
When she found me that time, let me tell you she gave me… a small pouch of chocolates! A POUCH! Instead of a piece or two! She had this beaming smile on her face and I, of course, was a proud flustered mess when that happened!
And oh, to see the look of disbelief on those bullies and pretty boys. Man, that felt really good!
I think she’s into me!
It’s pretty much a guarantee that she’ll accept my confessions next month based on what just happened.
A bright future awaits for me!
February 14, 1989
That clingy bitch!
Who does she think she is showing off like that to Jojo?!
Here I thought I gave the best homemade chocolates in school. Every boy had found them delicious and had said it was the best because it is! I made them myself and I packed them in a neat red box with white crumpled paper fillings, topped with a silk white ribbon.
I had full confidence he’d be bringing that home for sure while he threw away the rest. So, I waited to see what happened at the end of classes. And this absurd shit happened!
Jojo was standing by the gate, cigarette in his mouth like the hottie he was. BUT IN HIS HAND WASN’T MY RED BOX!
Instead, in his possession was a navy-blue bento-sized box with an assortment of sweets inside, wrapped around with a silky rose-gold ribbon. AND THEN, she rushed out of the building towards Jojo and they walked out of school grounds. TOGETHER. AGAIN.
SERIOUSLY. I’m surprised they aren’t dating yet though I’m pretty sure he’s gonna turn her down because he’s always like that with the multiple others before her.
Good thing that little eyeglass nerd that’s simping over her wasn’t there to see that bullshit. Don’t think he’s gonna handle the sight like me.
I’ll get him next time. Watch out Y/N!
March 14, 1989
I’m sad.
I feel like curling into a ball and wallow in my own embarrassment and sadness from what just happened.
So, if you weren’t aware… today was White Day a.k.a. the day where the guys give the gifts this time. Obviously, my gift was this letter I wrote for her and a rose I bought nearby, all meant to be an aid for my confession towards her.
All the guys I mentioned before had their own little penchants and gifts ready for her, and I watched her receive them with the same friendly smile she’d give to anyone. And I had to steel myself to remember that she didn’t feel comfortable with those guys months ago and she was accepting them out of politeness.
While they were busy with that, I waited for the right to confess.
I read that the best time to confess was when she was alone so when I thought of that, I figured it was around dismissal where most of the students already went home.
Alas, cue to the end of classes period where the sun was about to set and the crowd was minimized to a handful of students. I was sweating bullets when I waited for her by the entrance. I had the letter and rose in hand ready to be given.
When I heard her giggles, I gave one last pep talk to myself and faced her.
I tell you, the moment I saw her, my chest collapsed in on itself. She was still the same pretty girl I’ve bonded with for the past months, but in her arms was a huge brown teddy bear holding a bouquet of roses.
She saw me. And I began coughing nervously. I thought to myself who??? I didn’t see anyone give her anything that big during class hours.
As usual, she smiled at the sight of me standing there like an out-of-place weed and asked why I was still at school. Oh god, I fumbled so bad with my words, nothing was coming out like how I practiced back at home.
I kept saying how much I admired her and everything and so far, she was flattered by my mess of a status, and before I had the chance to confess-
The delinquent stepped behind her, hands in pocket, smoking as he glared straight at me. LIKE FULL ON DEATH GLARE AT MY DIRECTION.
I nearly peed my pants that time.
She wasn’t at all surprised at his presence, in fact she recognized him standing behind her and she promptly apologized for his intimidating aura.
And oh boy, the next bit fully ripped my sensitive heart to smithereens.
She told me a secret since we were “close friends” to which I now find a curse more than a blessing.
She told me that the very same delinquent that looked like he didn’t give a crap about romance and was giving me the look of death… was her boyfriend who gave her his White Day present to her.
Yes. You read that right. BOYFRIEND. The school’s darling and the infamous delinquent being a couple.
FOR HOW LONG????
THEY DIDN’T EVEN SEEM LIKE THEY WERE DATING TO BEGIN WITH???
But then I remembered the whole “their-Stands-were-holding-each-other-as-they-passed-by” scene I witnessed months ago, and those times where she couldn’t hang out with me every lunch time. Because she’s with him during that period. And those bits made sense now given the context.
She still asked me why I was there because she was genuinely concerned. My stutters worsened more, face was burning with embarrassment, and my hands holding the gifts I had for her behind my back turned clammy.
I tried to navigate myself around the whole dilemma of appeasing her concerns while choosing the right words under the pressure of the delinquent’s solid gaze that was still piercing into my soul. Eventually, I hesitantly gave her the rose without the letter.
And even after my whole mess, she still smiled and accepted it.
After saying out goodbyes, they were on their way and I thought I could relax and be free to burst into bashful tears, but I physically tensed when that guy’s Stand fully manifested in its entirety.
Holy crap the thing’s so jacked it was scary. It had one arm around Y/N’s waist while the purple behemoth looked at me with an icy glare much like its user.
Hence, here we are- me basking in the darkness of my room while my heart’s still recoiling from the reality of being utterly broken due to Y/N L/N’s sheer kindness and relationship status.
Ah great, I can’t see much now because my tears are clouding my vision.
Time to breakdown. Bye.
March 14, 1989
Wonder why that kid’s so flustered today. We’ve communicated with no problems the past days I knew him. Maybe it was because today was White Day and he’s shy? Most likely.
Though, I think a major contributor to his messy speech was Jotaro just being his slightly possessive self standing behind me, even though I told him countless time that the poor kid just needed a friend.
But I understood where he was coming from- he’s my secret boyfriend and he had to watch other boys give me gifts like I was still single. The teddy bear and roses were really sweet of him though. I still engrained the sight of his blushing cheeks and averted gaze in my mind when Star gave me the gifts on his behalf.
He took me out to a park as one last surprise gift. We saw the stars for a moment and then I stayed over at his place, to which he proceeded to rail me into oblivion, and now I’m here writing an entry into my diary while he continues to cutely snooze beside me.
Poor kid though. He must have been scared shitless yesterday. I think I’m gonna smooth things out with him when classes start again.
For now, I’m going to join Jotaro in his arms again and fall into dreamland with him.
Until next time!
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ok ok I'm doing the silly and. talking abt my writing and showing parts of it and you gotta promise not to judge me and even if you find it cringe keep it to yourself pls be nice to me i am very sensitive!!!!!! anyway.
(tw for general depressing shit, mentions of death and implied csa near the end) (also this got so long I'm so sorry)
so the latest song(?) i wrote is called קלף טאקי בשולחן פוקר which is a reference to a local meme lol. i think i mentioned it before but if you missed it, it roughly translates to "uno card at a poker table". i think you can already guess what the topic of the song is. i actually wrote it after months of not writing anything and it felt like some of the grime on my brain was scrubbed off god bless
i have a file of a bunch of lines i come up with and don't know where to put yet and some of them are actually lifted from vent posts i make here and. this song was the first time i used smth from that file!! yippee!!!!
anyway i am not posting the whole thing bc my rhyming is. not good but I'll post some of my favorite parts in it i think. starting with
the lines the song opens with! originally it was called "unfit" (this word will come later too) but i wanted to get silly with it, hence the meme reference
speaking of references, that second line is one, to "avalanche" by bring me the horizon. great depression song go listen to it if you haven't yet. i kept thinking abt that line while writing and eventually i went "sure why not, may as well pay a tiny homage to one of my fav bands ever"
these are the opening lines of the second verse^
ik the length of the first one is a bit much compared to others and esp the first verse (see above), but this is one of the lines i grabbed from the aforementioned collection file and i was too attached to it to change it. i feel like once there's music and shit it might solve this
anyway i feel like here it's clearer what the topic actually is (the chorus also helps, but we'll get to that later) - having to be fake and pretending to be someone else in order for people to like you. the song wasn't originally supposed to be abt that but ngl most of what i write eventually comes to this lol (i think i have at least 3 other pieces about this oof <- joker kinnie)
this one!!!!! is a reference!!!!! to a play i liked as a teen and used a monologue from multiple times in acting school (everyone in the class loved the way i did it and asked me to keep using it in stuff and who am i to say no), dentity crisis by christopher durang!! it's about, well, identity crises lol, and eventually the main character loses herself trying to make sense of the people around her and the chaos of her life so naturally it felt like a fitting reference to make, esp with the whole theater theme
this is the. i wanna say bridge but idk all the right terminology oof. like the part before the final chorus+outro.
i think you might've picked up by now that this is a bit of a silly, somewhat sarcastic song on some level, hence the improv line lmao
when i hear this part in my head it's very dramatic, lots of belting like a broadway showstopper, mixed with some. almost spoken, yet still sing-song-y lines
and here the whole theater motif really picks up the pace too. honestly this one appears in a lot of my writing for obvious reasons, but it's especially fitting when the song is literally about pretending to be someone else in order to be loved
the game thing peeks its head in the first chorus which we will get into in a sec, but either way i think it goes hand in hand. games are often abt getting into the shoes of another character yknow? and there's a whole play on the word, well, play lol. and how it's both for games and for acting (in my first language we straight up don't have another word like "act". it's just the same as play and that's it. so maybe it works better in my head for that reason idk!)
music wise i imagine in the last 2~ lines the beat starts to slow down, the notes become a bit higher, every syllable is drawn out for a bit longer, and in "stops" there's a short pause before the final chorus comes in. speaking of!
yeah showing each of them separately would've been a bit too cringey even for me. i don't think they're good as standalones BUT i like them together paralleling each other. it's smth i like to do in almost every song i write tbh, and very often i switch between "i" "you" and "we" as the song keeps going, to sort of draw the listener/reader in and let them become a part of the "narrative" if they want to and relate to it hehe. kind of make them (and me) feel less alone in this feeling
second chorus talking abt masks is once again smth i put in a lot of what i write (<- joker kinnie. again) askflglg sorry for not being original it will happen again 👍 but what can i say, it's relevant to the topic!!
in the last one i tried adding some sense of urgency. a reminder that this comes after the build up of the bridge, so it'll either be more intense or more quiet. haven't decided yet.
"maybe one day I'll fit" goes with the original "unfit" idea. bc at the end of the day this is what it's all about yknow? gotta make up a humansona and constantly roleplay as it to get through.
and through that "maybe one day" sentiment I'll slide into the outro. it's less sung than it is spoken sing-songly and dramatically to the beat (speaking of, i imagine a slight key change by now, as well as the music itself becoming more chaotic and intense and messy for this part), so i didn't bother much with rhyming or a steady pace heh
i mean. can it really be something i wrote without at least one reference to death and/or being a slut (<- dazai kinnie).
actually ironically "better die as myself than be loved as a character" might be my favorite line in the whole thing bc. well as i said the song is sarcastic. in its essence it's about being TIRED of pretending to be someone else. it's about how it's not something you actually want, you only want its benefits. but eventually, at the end of the song, you're just too tired to keep it up. all shows have to end eventually. and, this connects back to the first chorus - "maybe one day I'll be myself", kind of implying this one day might be in death, since all of life is pretending (only good vibes and fun on this blog ♡)
but. not dead yet. and i still want the benefits. so better find an alternative! nobody needs to know who you are if you've got tits they can touch! - is what i learned growing up and as a teen it never failed me lol.
so, the song ends with finally taking off the mask, but. taking off everything else in the process as well. all for being wanted, or the pretense of being loved, because that's the only thing that matters 👌
and that's it! i apologize for being depressing and for how long it got, but i hope you liked it anyway uwu
#took me longer to write this post than the actual song.#my writing#again . be nice to me please . if you liked any of it you're welcomed to tell me it will make my day tbh 🥺
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The Gift That Keeps Giving
Mammon/Reader, 3.9k words
Rating: SFW, T
Summary:
Mammon realizes it's not the gift itself that makes him feel special, it's you.
(aka I wanted to write something cute for his birthday)
Birthdays were, without a doubt, one of the best things humans had ever come up with.
After money of course.
Who’d even argue having a day dedicated to themselves wasn’t the greatest thing ever? A whole day for those around them to celebrate and shower them with praises and gifts. It easily, easily made September his favorite time of the year after celebrating that first birthday.
Which was saying a lot, since he never really cared much about the goofy things humans did on Earth and only half listened whenever Belphie got excited about something. Oh wow, humans learned smacking sticks together made fire how cool… Oh look at that now they put the plants where they want them isn’t that neat. Oh ain’t that just swell? They took a river that went one way and made it go another way! Why? Who cares! It’s a stupid river!
But birthdays?
Birthdays were pretty great.
Sure, there were a few that didn’t go as planned, and maybe someone might say he’d get a little carried away with the partying and excitement, but what could they expect? It was a day unlike any other, because it was his day.
His day that…
“Mammon, what’d you get for number seven?” you asked while scratching down an answer on the parchment before you, “I want to compare to see how far off I am.”
“Uh… thirty-two.” he said without a second thought, having, quite honestly, forgotten what the question even was. Being able to study with you helped him focus sometimes, but he had to play things carefully. If his grades improved too fast or too often, Lucifer’s impossible expectations might rise even higher.
“Thirty-“ You sat back in your seat and looked at him, befuddled. “Mammon, it’s a multiple choice. Thirty-two isn’t even an option.”
“Wh- Well I meant that on the next one then!”
Your befuddlement went dry. “Number eight’s a true or false.”
“What! That can’t be right.” He leaned forward and grabbed your textbook, skimming over the page.
You laughed and pushed it closer to him, “Something tells me you didn’t even read the assignment.”
“I did! Well… kinda. I opened the book at least.”
“Yours isn’t even on the right page!”
“Shaddup!” He pushed your book away and leaned over his own, flipping to the correct page this time and crossing out his previous answers.
So, okay he didn’t want to try that hard but he didn’t want to look like a total idiot.
You hummed, keeping to yourself for a moment or two while he scribbled his answers down quickly, not-so-subtly pushing your own paper closer to him for easy glancing. “And here I thought you took our study dates seriously.”
Ink bled across his new answer for number six, and he cursed under his breath. Pressed too hard, way too hard.
“W-Well yeah, you know how it is. I can only be strung up so many times before it starts cuttin’ into my schedule. I gotta make an effort once in a while.”
“Yeah, good point.” you said dismissively, leaning back in your seat and leaving him in confused, frantic peace, scribbling away as if he could somehow focus any better than before.
“I was almost starting to think it’s because you like me.”
“What-!”
This time the quill tip caught, tearing a small hole across number seven.
You smirked and nodded to it, “Really hate that question, don’t ya?”
“Sh-shaddup,” he muttered, placing his arm on the desk between the two of you and leaning in a way to block your vision. It did little to block the snickers at his back as he tried to smooth out the page. It didn’t look so bad, it was probably fine, right? The professor could still read it and most of the page was still good. He wasn’t about to waste a whole ‘nother page for one stupid question.
And if they couldn’t or wouldn’t read it, so what? He wasn’t trying to pass anyway.
But maybe he could try to get the next few right since you do help him out sometimes. Just this once. So you wouldn’t feel like you failed.
The thrill of promised freedom began to rise the closer he got to the end, just a few more left! Sneaking a few answers made it fly by even faster, and just as he was about to jot down the last one, you spoke up again.
“Why were you spacing out so much earlier?”
“Homework sucks and I get bored.” he answered easily, swiping the quill across with a lazy swirl.
You hummed, amused. “Fair enough. What were you thinking about?”
He lifted the quill and flashed you a grin, “Oh nothin’, just my birthday comin’ up.”
“Birthday?” you echoed, understandably struck by surprise. Poor human, you must be worried about getting him something nice.
“Now don’t worry, I—“
“I didn’t know demons had birthdays.”
You said it so simply, so why did it make him flinch?
“Wait-“ you said quickly, holding up your hands, “that came out wrong. I meant it like, well. I just had no idea?” You smiled sheepishly and slouched in your seat, “Demons live forever, don’t they? So how would you know if you had a birthday?”
Forever.
He sighed and sat back, tossing the quill on the desk. “Newer demons are born too.”
“Oh yeah…” you said, voice low. Then you laughed under your breath, “I guess I need to study more too.”
“Mm…”
This conversation didn’t go anywhere he wanted, and it’d die if he said nothing, but what else could he say? Yeah, he might know he’d been around longer, and would be around far longer still than you could ever be, but he… didn’t like thinking about it. Thinking about things that made him feel so far away…
Was it… weird for him to have a birthday?
Did it really have to be the day someone was born? Then what about those that weren’t?
Time just… didn’t exist in the Celestial Ream in that sort of way. Everything is and was, nothing never and wasn’t. Even youth was… hard to explain to humans, naivety didn’t always have a consistent number.
He didn’t even count now that he had something to count from. Why bother? He’d never need the number for anything, and all he really wanted was the day.
The day when everyone would celebrate the Great Mammon.
That day…
You cleared your throat, drawing his attention again. “So…” you smiled tentatively, “when’s your birthday?”
“The 10th.”
He’d been the first to choose. After falling and transitioning to a demon, the sudden shock of needs and wants overwhelmed his very soul. Everything felt like euphoric agony, ripping his very being apart and exposing his very being to the soulless gaze of Fate’s never-ending void.
“Wh- of this month?!” you sputtered, the expression on your face making his heart feel just a little lighter.
Was it really so surprising he’d felt the urge to claim something as his own?
“Yeah,” he said with an easy smile, “so… like in a week or so I guess.”
Something that could be his, a day that could be his.
“Well… shit. I wish you would’ve told me that sooner.”
A day that made everyone think of him.
“Ah don’t worry ‘bout it.” he said, picking up his homework and book and getting ready to leave. “I ain’t that picky, and you know,” he paused to wink at you, “cash is king.”
You rolled your eyes and shook your head, “No, cash is lame. You’re getting something, I just have to figure out what.”
“Cash ain’t lame.” he muttered, and you chuckled.
“It’s kinda lame to me, I want it to be something special.”
His heart did another weird little jump again.
“R… Really?”
You stood up and gave him the proudest grin, “Well, yeah. I’m guessing humans don’t really give you gifts, right?”
“Oh…” He tried to not sound too defeated and walked toward your door, “No, I guess not.”
“Then I gotta make a good impression!” You said cheerfully at his back.
“Mm.” He opened the door and gave you one last smile before stepping out, “Or jus’ keep it simple with cash n’ jewels. I ain’t that complicated.”
He stepped out before you could answer, mostly because he didn’t want to hear it. He liked being given things, always liked being given things. One of these days he’d finally convince Lucifer to increase Goldie’s limit or forgive one of his debts. If nothing else was on his side, he could at least try wearing him down.
‘I’m guessing humans don’t really give you gifts, right?’
Well, that wasn’t wrong. But it wasn’t… right.
‘Then I gotta make a good impression!’
He tossed his book on the pool table the moment he got to his room and sighed, leaning over it and feeling like such an idiot.
How many times did you have to remind him you were just a human?
-------
He didn’t see much of you after that, at least not much as he’d become used to. Only a few quick conversations in the halls or just before meals. Quick, stolen moments but nothing substantial. Hardly any time at all. You’d even joked a few times that you were working hard and he better be impressed, but that just made him feel worse.
Whatever it was, he didn’t want it.
The thought brought a tightness to his chest, and a defeated sigh to his lips.
Okay, he did want it. It just wasn’t going to be what he wanted.
Dammit.
Why’d you even make him feel this way?
How’d it make any sense at all? Avatar of Greed not wanting a gift.
Silly.
Sometimes his brothers gave him weird things too, but he still liked ‘em anyway. Why did yours need to be any different?
Human or not it was just… just a gift.
More was always better than less.
Whatever it was didn’t matter as much as getting the thing itself.
He’d always known these things, so why did he feel so suddenly anxious when you touched his shoulder, asking him if he could step away from the crowd? Why was it so easy to laugh off that feeling and make a crack about watching his things while he chatted with the human, silently wishing the music could be the rhythm of his heart instead?
You led him to a less crowded corner of the Fall’s floor, away from the dancing and glittering lights. The music still filled the air, but it was far easier to hear your voice here. You leaned back on the edge of a table and looked up at him.
“It’s been awhile. You having a good birthday so far?”
“Yeah,” He glanced back at his friends, then to you. “You could say that.”
You smiled and followed his line of sight. “Get lots of cool stuff?”
He shrugged noncommittally, those strange feelings stirring in his chest again.
“Sounds like competition is fierce,” you joked, standing up straight with a sigh. “Should’ve figured, there’s only so much I can do.”
“I told you, you—“
“I know,” you interrupted with a sly smile, “that’s why I chose to make you something.”
“Make me something?”
Your smile turned bashful and you reached into your back pocket, withdrawing a small black box adorned with a golden bow. “Well, sort of. I made it… different. More. If that makes sense?”
Not even a little.
But a gift was a gift.
“Thanks,” he said with an easy smile, plucking the box from your palm and giving it a little shake. Nothing. Hm…
He held the box in his hand and pulled off the lid, seeing you smile and stand up on your toes just as the red velvet revealed itself.
“Pretty, huh? It’s not real gold sadly, I couldn’t pick up enough shifts fast enough for that but…”
Your voice faded into the background as he took in the offering in his hand. A single, golden ring with his sigil engraved on its smooth, polished metal. The ring alone was something to be treasured, but there was… something else…
“Why’s it buzzing?”
“Huh?” You blinked, taken aback for a moment then recovering with a smile. “Oh, can you see that or something? That’s how I made it better!” You placed a hand on your chest, “I wore it and used a curse to seal my luck into it! I wanted to try to give you like a month or a week, but I think I only managed to get thirty rolls or so in. It’s actually kinda funny becaus—“
“You WHAT?!”
Levi slammed his hands on the table, startling both of you.
“Oh hey Levi, didn’t see ya-“
His eyes were focused on you, intense and distraught. “Why didn’t you tell me?! We almost lost our whole campaign!”
“Sorry…” you said sheepishly, glancing at Mammon again with a small smile. “Like I was saying. I think you might have something that equals like thirty good dice rolls in there.”
“We could’ve used a filler character!”
“Oh yeah that sounds great, let me just give Mammon fake good luck for his birthday.”
“It wouldn’t be fake and your barbarian wouldn’t be just barely hanging on!”
“Hey! It’s just a scratch!” You said with a haughty laugh, crossing your arms and feeding into Levi’s nerdy frustrations.
“It’s not a scratch, they lost an arm!”
“Tis but a flesh wound~”
The conversation, the music, these feelings…
Everything just felt so…
“I need to step outside a sec,” he muttered, leaving you with his brother and focusing on nothing but seeking the cooling relief of night air. Once outside, he breathed in deeply and leaned against the club wall, clutching the box in his fist.
Rings and luck.
Why’d it have to be a ring and luck?
“It ain’t fair…” he said to himself, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair.
“What ain’t fair?”
He jumped, spinning on his heel and holding his fist to his chest. “What- why’d you come out here?”
You shrugged, walking over to lean on the wall beside him. “Do I need a reason?”
“… No.” He lowered his fist and let his eyes drift to the street, idly watching demons pass by. “Guess not.”
Most demons kept walking by without so much as a glance down the alley, and the ones that did were quick to move along. It hadn’t taken long for them to learn to keep their distance, but the habit he’d gained from watching out for you wouldn’t disappear so easily.
“Was the ring a bad idea?” you asked softly.
He winced, “It’s not…” Dammit.
“It’s not… bad,” he said, the box feeling heavy in his hand. “but humans… humans only have so much luck in life, to just give it’s like—“
“I thought it was worth it.”
“But what if somethin’ happened to ya?”
Your eyes widened, and he felt the urge to backtrack. Explain it away into something trivial.
“Y-you coulda gotten hurt. I don’t want you doin’ something like that jus’ to get me a gift.”
You said you’d wanted to give him a month, a week even. Just imagining what a week of bad luck could do to you was… was…
“Well,” you shrugged, “that’s why I wore it when I played with Levi. All the bad stuff just happened to my barbarian, not me.”
“That’s not the point!” he said, surprising both of you when he grabbed your shoulders. “You can’t… you can’t do stuff like that.”
You stared up at him in an expression he was more familiar with now. Worry.
“Do you really not like the gift?”
Dammit.
“That ain’t fair.” He bowed his head, still holding your shoulders to ground himself. “‘Course I do.”
“I just… thought the ring would be fun to wear, even after the luck faded…”
He closed his eyes and held you just a little more firmly. A ring… a ring he could wear… forever.
“I’m sorry, Mammon,” your voice was getting lower, concern creeping in. “I just wanted you to win… at least once or twice…”
“Why?” he asked, lifting his head. “Why risk it?”
Your eyes met his fearlessly, darting between them as color touched your cheeks. “I thought it was obvious.”
He pressed his lips in a thin line and shrugged, “Doesn’t seem to be to me.”
Your eyes darted faster, color rushing as you fidgeted ever so slightly.
“What?” He stepped back, “C’mon, out with it.” Was it a bribe? You get some cut of his winnings or what? If that was the case, he’d have to give you some more pointers on haggling. For starters, don’t give the demon the object they want without negotiations first.
You held your wrist and looked down to the street again, avoiding looking at him now. “You’re not really going to make me say it, are you?”
“Well if it’s some trick or something, I don’t wanna be fallin’ for it.” he said, crossing his arms.
You scoffed and looked up at him just like he wanted. “Oh don’t even. You know damn well I wouldn’t trick you like that.”
He shrugged and flashed a grin, “Yeah? Then tell me why.”
You blushed and looked away again.
“It’s… because I like you.”
His heart squeezed, but he urged himself to keep himself neutral.
“Oh, well I like ya too but that ain’t a reason to be riskin’ harm for me. You humans are pretty fragile as is, the last thing ya need is more of—“
You huffed.
“How many times do I have to tell you? You were worth the risk!”
You both knew what you said, but you recovered first while he was still trying to understand—
“I want to see you win,” you said, placing a hand on your chest and looking up at him, “I love when you win, Mammon. You should see how happy you are, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“I’m not—“
“Shut up, yes you are!” You stepped closer, sincerity giving your voice more confidence with every word. “Anyone can be cute, demons included.”
He took a half-step back. The way you were talking, almost sounded like…
“But… a ring… those’re special to humans…”
You paused, then reached up to touch your forehead. “If you already knew that, why’d you even make me say anything…”
His heart leapt into his throat, the box suddenly holding a different weight. More.
“So it’s… a ring… because you… like me…?”
You peered up at him through your fingers. “Duh.”
He swallowed, speechless. A human liked him? Liked him? Enough to give him a ring and a piece of their life’s luck…
You sighed and collected yourself, occasionally reaching up to touch your cheeks, never quite meeting his eyes again.
This ring wasn’t from just any human though.
“Well… I’m gonna go inside now I think,” you said with an awkward laugh, “Sorry I uh, I guess I missed the mark, but I hope it still works for ya.”
As you moved past him, he reached out to grab your arm.
“Wait.”
Even now, no matter how embarrassed you might feel, you still looked up at him when he asked.
“I…”
His mouth felt dry, so many thoughts and wants swirling in his head.
“I-I…”
“C-Can I…”
So much he wanted to say, to know, to feel.
You smiled sadly and reached up to touch his hand. “It’s okay, you don’t have to feel the same. I wasn’t really sure if you did anyway. Just glad I got it off my chest—”
“No!”
You jumped and he loosened his grip, instead pinching your sleeve.
Don’t be scared, but please don’t leave.
“I…” Saying it held so much risk, even now there was no way of knowing if you wanted the same.
“Me too,” he said, leaning into you, yearning rising from his very soul, “I want you too.”
You bit your lip with a smile. “I don’t think I said want.”
Fuck—
“What I meant was—“
You reached up to cup his cheek, the touch so warm and soft he immediately craved more.
“But I do,” you said, gently stroking him with your thumb, “I want you too.”
Want you too.
How could a human’s words make his chest feel both heavy and light so often and so easily? He couldn’t even remember when it first started anymore, only that these feelings became stronger with every passing day. Every moment he shared… with you.
His hand moved from your shoulder to cup the back of your neck, watching for any changes in your expression and listening for a hastened breath. Instead, you lifted your chin and smiled softly, silently inviting him in closer with a gentle caress on his cheek.
Just once…
He leaned in, stealing a kiss from you that you willingly gave, treating him to the sweet thrill of want from your lips.
“Mammon…” you whispered softly, lingering close as if deciding whether or not to gift him with another.
More.
The distant caw and rustle of debris across cobblestone reminded him of where he was and the party waiting for him inside, but he didn’t want to let you go.
“Can I go to your room later?” He asked softly.
You smiled, “We could do that, or,” you closed the distance between you with a gentle kiss, “you could win us an even better room sometime.”
He sucked in a breath and you hummed, stepping out of his arms with a little pinch to his cheek.
“I bet you’ll be rather lucky if you take me along too,” you said with a grin. “Not that I’m trying to bribe a date out of you, but I do think the ring would work better if I was near it.”
“You could bribe a date outta me anytime,” he said without thinking and you laughed.
“I’ll remember that. Now, c’mon,” You reached out to take his hand, tugging him back toward the door, “put that ring somewhere safe and let’s go party!”
Party.
For once in his life he could finally understand why Levi always tried to leave parties early.
There was so much more he wanted to do somewhere else. He’d leave right now if he could, but if any of his brothers found out he bailed to sneak some alone time with you, that time would be stolen far too quickly.
But being here with you, surrounded by you, his friends, and his family… laughing and drinking, dancing the eternal night away and celebrating hisday…
You laughed and flashed him a smile that shone so bright among the crowd, making his heart dance to its own beat. Thirty rolls… he could win a lot of money in thirty rolls… rent a nice room, maybe even buy a nice dinner or even take you somewhere fun in the Devildom or on Earth if he could sell the idea to Lucifer to let him roam freely.
Maybe he could buy you something to wear too… a ring that matched or… or if that was too much maybe bracelets or a pair of shoes…
Asmo stepped in to join you, offering to refill your drink while Mammon was pulled away by some of his friends, more gifts to be shared. The night was forever young, cheers and celebrations for the Avatar of Greed filling the air. A rare night unlike any other, surrounded by so many things that both made him want, and feel wanted.
Birthdays were the best.
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Maddy, all this “Ino is representing the whole female cast in Boruto” argument is literally giving me a seizure especially the “Sakura is useless” argument, again. Sakura is useful in general, that’s undebatable. With everything going on with the Pandemic and Corona Virus, I expected people to appreciate and value our medics and doctors more and the importance of medicine. The thing is that Sakura isn’t useless but simply underutilized and this isn’t Sakura’s fault whatsoever, we need to realize that fictional character have no sense of agency and they are what the writers want them to be, Sakura not being involved in the plot is due to the author’s lack of creativity.
There are many ways to include Sakura into the current plot or scene, not only in this scene in particular even; we have many people in the fandom coming up with ways to insert the characters in— yet for some reason the author would rather waste panels of Sumire sweating 24/7 than insert Kakashi or Sakura. I’m not surprised why people immediately assume that Sakura not being involved in the current plot means she’s not doing anything remotely useful to the plot (like she’s been assigned to make some secret serum or something) because Ikemoto or Kishimoto (whoever is writing the manga) doesn’t have any history of making characters suddenly appear with a power-up and then you found out that while the current characters are doing something, at the same time this character is apparently practicing/training as well. Like look at Sarada and Mitsuki for example, I can’t really measure how long it has but it took them a long time to realize, “yow shit, we can’t stay here and sit like this forever, we gotta start practicing” seriously? Why didn’t you realize that before though? Why are you waiting for your sensei to go to you when you know they’re either extremely busy or neglectful. Like why can’t Mitsuki and Sarada be training all this time? Like if you’re not planning on adding them to the plot because you choose to focus on other characters then don’t just let the other characters wait in the dungeon until you pick them up and decide to add them again, what’s wrong if multiple characters are doing something at the same time? You don’t even have to illustrate it, just insert it in a conversation.
It frustrates me a lot, like a lot. I’m starting to think that the author really just doesn’t know how to add them into the plot or how to write them even; although I’m not surprised from the lack of creativity that’s being shown. How long has it been? 13? 14 years? Yet, Team 7 has grown stagnant over the years. Sakura still stuck with what Tsunade taught her (while she developed a few Jutsu’s like her Sensory Jutsu, most don’t recognize it canon and doesn’t also appreciate how good it actually is) I don’t even know why Sakura just stopped trying to become strong, like after achieving the Byakugou and all that she suddenly just became contented and while I know she isn’t power hungry, but I expected her to improve more knowing how Sasuke and Naruto has such a huge power-up. Naruto still with the Rasengan and Shadow Clones, and Sasuke who’s job is dangerous should’ve developed more Jutsu’s in those years of traveling since he encounters all sorts of catastrophes while traveling, but he heavily relied on the Rinnegan which made the Rinnegan and Kurama a huge loss, if any of Team 7 decided to polished their skills and developed new jutsu’s instead of being contented of what they possessed then maybe it would’ve compensated for the loss of the Rinnegan and Kurama.
With everything going on with the Pandemic and Corona Virus, I expected people to appreciate and value our medics and doctors more and the importance of medicine.
That's a very good point which I hadn't considered. With the amount of times people compare SS with reality and say that it makes no sense in that regard, you'd think they would be used to linking the series to reality, but I guess they only ever do that for anti SS/Sakura purposes, because they're the exception to everything.
The thing is that Sakura isn’t useless but simply underutilized and this isn’t Sakura’s fault whatsoever.
💯
Yet for some reason the author would rather waste panels of Sumire sweating 24/7 than insert Kakashi or Sakura
Yep, that reminds me of when I used to be frustrated about how during Gaiden, Kishi opted to waste panels of Shin explaining his "survival of the fittest" ideologies (as if anyone gave a damn), rather than including the scenes of Karin flashing back to Sarada's birth (which he actively chose to exclude). I just don't understand the rationale behind these kinds of decisions, but hey, it's not my story, and Kishi and co. are at full liberty to write it how they want to.
Like if you’re not planning on adding them to the plot because you choose to focus on other characters then don’t just let the other characters wait in the dungeon until you pick them up and decide to add them again
Yeah, and hearing you say that reminds me of Anko. I really loved her character, and that's pretty much what happened to her after the Chuunin Exams. She had so much wasted potential.
I don’t even know why Sakura just stopped trying to become strong, like after achieving the Byakugou and all that she suddenly just became contented and while I know she isn’t power hungry, but I expected her to improve more knowing how Sasuke and Naruto has such a huge power-up
I suppose by the point of unlocking the Seal, Sakura acknowledged that she had already become strong enough to fight on the front lines alongside her teammates, and strong enough to help save Sasuke. That's all she really wanted strength for, and she achieved those things. After that, she focused on developing her career as a medic (and boy did she achieve that too), but unfortunately, there's just little opportunity or incentive to get stronger in this field.
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Blnk, do u have any advice for young/starting writers?
for specifically reader inserts, try to go as vague as you can, or include EVERYTHING. what i try to do is include things like knowing multiple languages in RWYS-- which actually ends up perfectly for Reaper because she likes to know as many languages as she can-- or have the option of knowing them (with the exception of a few for plot stuff!)
similarly to that, i also try to include things like varying hair lengths, non-descript skintones, and including things like durags/bonnets into the story so its not like "here's my blond-haired blue-eyed white girl whos skinny and sexy with a GIANT ass and GIANT boobs"-- while some things are based around the story-- like some muscles and stuff, i try not to give a specific body type to my inserts. but being fat, being skinny-- neither of those mean you aren't strong (PLEASE!!! go look at the top athletes of the world!! the weight-lifting category is filled with fat people!!)
i know it feels like rambling, but its crucial to remember that its not only people that look like you who wanna read this story, its all kinds of people. its good to be open, anyway, you know?
when it comes to writing in general, i recommend using the tools that are available and work with yourself. my basic writing process goes as such:
bullet point everything in whatever app you use-- i also have a bunch of reminders of ideas, so i go through my phone and put them into the bullets as well
write everything in word
go over and add details
edit a first time
input the words into AO3's editor and go over it a second time, this time, however, with the Grammarly add-on
i suppose one thing that i learned is that generally, you aren't going to get hate and you don't need to be afraid of it. saying this here and now, I've so far gotten 0 hate messages or anything (knock on wood LMAO) of the sorts. with that, criticism is important to take, but people who send messages or asks like that don't mean it in a poor light. if they wanted to be mean, they'd be mean. of course text doesn't show tone quite well (and if I've ever come off as rude, I'm terribly sorry for that)
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was afraid too for a long time to be fully into my own story for a moment. i was afraid people would complain that rigo was trans, or i was afraid people wouldn't like that i made reaper bisexual, and i was frankly very afraid that people would send me terrible messages about my story, but i haven't gotten anything like that. this isn't twitter where people are sent threats for posting what they want, and you don't need to be nervous.
with all of that being said, writing should be fun for you. if at any point you lose interest in what you're writing, but you feel obligated to keep going because you posted it: don't be nervous, and don't force yourself. things happen and sometimes stories drop, and that's okay! life moves on! and hey, maybe it's not done forever. maybe you get burnt out and you gotta slow down or take a hiatus-- don't worry!! whether you come back to that or not, there will still be people out there who want to read what you post
plus it's fun to see how far you've grown as a writer. i can say that even from the start of RWYS, I've improved significantly! and while i edit the old chapters to make them more legible, i have the original copies of the chapters on my computer still!
have fun, love your work, and love yourself :)
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I don’t fully know how to explain this but I’m gonna try. Why can’t more shows (somewhat) totally change plot between seasons? I genuinely think they’d benefit greatly if they did this. Here are just some examples and my pitches because I genuinely don’t know how to fully explain this without them:
The mandalorian I think would be a lot better if every season he got a new job instead of every season revolving around baby yoda. Season one is baby yoda and season two he’s got to escort some princess or maybe give him a season where he has to find a guy for someone else and he’s traveling with the person who hired him. Or give him a season where he’s gotta murder someone. He is a mercenary just give him all kinds of jobs. I just find baby yoda kind of annoying and he so obviously only exists to sell toys. I only started watching that show for the mandalorian because I love mandalorians but I feel like it’s really just the baby yoda show. Imagine how many more characters you could introduce if you actually gave him different jobs. The show would just be significantly improved imo.
My second example is black butler. I technically never finished this show because I was watching it on Netflix and Netflix removed the other seasons and I just never went back to finish the show. So maybe the rest of the show is fine but I haven’t seen it. Anyways! When I started season two I thought they had just killed Ciel and Claude was Sebastian just with a new master. And can you just take a second to think about how cool that would be?? You spend an entire season thinking this one guy was the main character and then you see his arc come to a close and he dies. So you start season two a bit confused only to see that actual that the guy who you thought was the main character isn’t! It’s actually the demon he has a contract with! So the show just continues with a new master and a slightly different plot. And while I understand not doing that because it’s sad when characters die but I just feel like the vibes of any season after one would be immaculate. Because the show tells you what will happen to his masters but now you actually get to really see it. Maybe even multiple times in a season. I don’t have any major suggestions to this plot wise unlike the mandalorian (I could suggest a lot more for that one) but I just think if the series slowly started to focus more on all the fantasy elements and other characters reactions to all this intense fantasy stuff it would be really cool.
I need more shows who aren’t scared to completely change formulas after a season. Not all shows can do this but the ones that could definitely should because it would be great to see. As long as enough stays the same some major formula shakeup would be cool since so few shows can make a show that does that.
If you want an example of a show that does do this look no further than Infinity Train. The setting remains mostly the same while basically everything else changes. New cast and new problems, but it’s all still infinity train and it all still works.
#i feel like I need you to know I’m not a Sebastian simp#he’s not my favorite character. that’s not why I made that plot suggestion#i made it because I think it sounds hecka cool#(my favorite character is probably the Undertaker and that explains too much about me)#black butler spoilers#idk if I need to tag that but I shall#I’m just gonna make a story like this#it would improve them I swear#i never finished season two of BB but what I did watch wasn’t my favorite#the mandalorian#black butler#mandalorian#story ideas#writting#prompts#i swear there’s more I wanted to say but I forgor :(#i remembered#so I know infinity train doesn’t really have a character that’s in every season but#it is the best example of what I’m trying to say (at least that I can think of)#there may no be many cross over episodes but it’s kind of the same formula#and that’s what the mandilorian could be!#every season they get a new big thing but it’s a similar arc of getting that thing done#also let him keep his helmet#i hate it so much when the force face reveals for no reason!#infinity train#it’s hard to compare these shows but what I want from all of them is similar to what IT has going on#wild changes between seasons to keep you engaged but not too wild so it still seems like the same show#this post can only completely make sense to very specific people and I’m so sorry#but I’m also not sorry at all
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Hmmmmmmmmm
Irza definitely has a temper but he also has the "I really don't care" behavior. If he caught Vara he probably wouldn't hurt the cat, he'd be more confused bc fairies exist in that world but fairies are actually treated horribly and used in potions.....he'd wonder why a wingless fairy (which isn't too strange since some will just have wings taken and then be tossed aside...) has cat features and is even in his house. But that's it the borrower was actually living in his house.—There's also the chance he finds the borrower outside, which would mainly end with him staring and walking away unless an accident got Vara into a pocket or bag...
And if he was caught? Irza wouldn't touch it, he'd use his shadows and just trap their legs in place. Then you'd have to get through his questioning bc there's no way he wouldn't be suspicious of a tiny person in his house
Some thoughts I had for aus would mainly be Irza as the giant bc yes...and I'd make several different ones, I love first meetings and I can't decide which one is better so I'll use em all. Vara would be the gentlest giant but he'd get his hands really chewed on by Irza, that guy won't change at all! The ideas go from doing crossovers to my fairy story, borrower, and even just someone shrinking them. There's so many powers in their world, who's to say someone can't change the sizes of things?
And I didn't even realize the nom compatible thing with Irza until recently
Vara finding tiny little villain Voidshire instead of a fight and having to argue with himself over whether to turn him in or help him...btw tho bc of Vara's mixed races he has huge cat instincts so that would be possible for like mouthplay but probably not anything more, you just gotta be careful bc he reacts to everyone like that...but he's so nice he catches bugs and mice and releases every one outside. Irzayn hates mice bc of them eating his homework the one time (which was just a really funny canon thing), but this also means if he doesn't see that the borrower is humanoid he could very well kill them by impulse
Song that fits Vara: Luke Bryan—Most people are good
We all love the sweet Varazae cat
And if that's what you think~~ Ezephr would say thank for mwahahaha (there is such a deep reason that mixes all of the above into that answer bc he'd be smiling while being killed and thanking his killer)
okay okay you got me to read it and of course now i have to answer
whaa fairies exist?? elaborate?? what purpose do they serve??? also in and case i love that they do bc i can imagine vara being pretty lost if irza ever addresses his confusion- (as a borrower, would vara know about fairies?)
OOO tinies falling into bags is the BESTTTTT (btw becky if you see this, you somehow always manage to stroll right down my alley every single time with your fics!!! how do you do that?? it's so cool >:DDD or. new theory. you writing the fics makes the trope automatically top tier because you wrote it :00)
AHHHH i loveeeeee the shadow thing oh my GOD that would be so confusing for vara and AJJFSAJSDJ ksdkasdasdasdsads multiple hands in g/t is rarely touched but i think it's pretty cool- i mean i know it's not directly irza's hands but STILL that concept is just /pos to me :D
ah yes the good ol' interrogating a terrified borrower :D <3
yesss g!irza >:3c
AHHH these ideas are all so lovely and LMAO for irza eating vara's fingers AJVDS i bet he'd try and get vara's claws to use for personal use like a new and improved hook JDSJ (the only thing on my mind when i type that is the line from 30 rock "gimmie your fingernails!" "no!" LMAOAOO)
i like the lane of someone having sizeshifting powers. maybe some person is tired of their hero/villain bickering and just shrink one of them to force them to stop and focus on something else FDLDSJAJA
aw everyone just finds all the right g/t buttons for me- fucking tinies helping their human? FUCK YEAH!!!
LMAO they ate his homework??? 😭😭 that is genuinely the best thing i have heard about this au ever- it's the useless bit of canon that makes my brain go brrrrrr like that thing with curiositybur will never fail to make me happy. the fact that serenityinnit just walks around staring at the world like he's never seen it before (which he hasn't) is FUNNY and USELESS but the BEST
ooooooo vara's gotta run off of reflexes then, let's hope he survives!
OO that's a cool song! usually country isn't my jam (is that considered country?) but that is an exception fs!
yesyesyeys beloved catboy
and hmhmhhmhmmhmhmmhhmmhm love him smiling, i strive to be ezephr when i'm being killed :D
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All Eyes Lead to the Truth | Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man (4x07)
He flings open the tempered glass door of Montgomery & Glick Publishing, ready to start another day of reading, and most likely, rejecting multiple writings from wannabe authors. And of-fucking-course, his publication office is a mess. Old donut wrappers, empty paper cups, and probably a hundred different discarded story drafts wadded up and tossed at overfilled trash bins litter the shag carpet of the office atrium.
“Good mornin’, boss,” Davey Jones says with a lit Morley balancing perilously on his bottom lip.
“No, it’s not. It’s a pigsty in here,” Albert Montgomery Godwinkle glares in disgust at the men working under him, as if that could teach them some goddamn manners. Maybe he should fire them all and hire more women. “Your editing better not look this bad.”
A chorus of apologies and excuses resound around the room. Nothing new there.
“And how many times do I have to say no smoking around the manuscripts?” Albert huffs and waves a hand in front of his face, trying to clear the fog of smoke thicker than his reading glasses. The noxious smell pisses him off almost as much as trash around here does. No wonder he’s in a perpetual bad mood.
“Hey boss, we got a few new submissions waiting for your read-through,” Davey adds as he stubs out his cigarette. “I put ‘em on your desk. And hey, that first one from D.C. is a real doozy.”
Davey chuckles and Albert rolls his eyes. Everything’s a damn joke to that kid.
“Get back to work, Jones,” he sighs, and shuts his office door behind him.
It’s only nine in the morning and his day is already shit. His wife hates his unyielding work schedule, his kids can’t seem to stand him, and this struggling publishing company has become his only joy in life. Though the joy has been hard to find. Reading a halfway decent manuscript for once might actually put a smile on Albert’s disgruntled face.
Cautiously hopeful, he grabs the first printed manuscript from the top of the pile called TAKE A CHANCE: A JACK COLQUITT ADVENTURE, by Raul Bloodworth, and reads.
Two hours later, Albert skims down to the bottom of the last page, reciting its final words aloud: “I can kill you whenever I please… but not today.”
What the hell?
Albert lets the stack of pages he’d just wasted too much of his life reading flop atop his half eaten breakfast.
“What the hell?” he repeats. Out loud this time, because silently doesn’t quite capture his frustration properly. He grabs the corded phone on his desk and punches in his publishing partner’s number. “Yeah Glick, come to my office. You gotta see this.”
When Sammie Glick finishes reading Bloodworth’s excerpt on hero hitmen, he barks out a horse laugh only a man who smokes a pack a day and drinks a bottle of whisky a night can manage. “Jesus Christ, you sure that ain’t a comedy piece?”
Albert groans. “Unfortunately, yes.”
“Bloodworth is a catchy author pseudonym, though, I’ll give him that.” Glick chortles into his coffee cup. “Are you gonna write the rejection letter or am I?”
Albert slams his hand on his desk in indignation. “This is a serious publishing house! Not a lowbrow rag idolizing some governmental conspiracy adventure with… with I don’t even know, goddamn alien ass implants.”
His partner chokes on a mouth full of dark roast. “Alien ass implants? Really?”
“No, but somehow that would’ve improved the plot.”
“Didn’t we get a similar submission a while back about some end of the world mumbo jumbo? Project Doomsday, I think it was called. By a guy named Alan Kurtzdial?” Glick snaps his fingers in recognition. “Alvin Kurtzweil. That’s the name. I remember because his story was about as whack-a-do as this one.”
Albert scrubs a hand over his face as he mentally prepares to reject this crap. Holding up the first page of Bloodworth’s manuscript labeled, “Part I: Trust No One,” he scoffs.
“And to think, I held out hope to not look at any more trash today…”
Dear Mr. Bloodworth,
I have recently had the unhappy and unfortunate experience of reading your manuscript: TAKE A CHANCE: A JACK COLQUITT ADVENTURE.
My advice? Burn it! It stunk like rotten tomatoes not even my dog would eat off the floor. That, Mr. Bloodworth, is called a simile. You would do well (God forbid) not to litter your next manuscript with too many of them.
In addition, I felt the plot of TAKE A CHANCE to be preposterous, the characters unbelievable, the ending lame, and the writing, frankly, crap. Needless to say, Montgomery & Glick Publishing declines your manuscript.
Please, DO NOT send this piece of trash to another publishing house.
Very Sincerely,
Albert M. Godwinkle
Read the rest of All Eyes Lead to the Truth on Archive of Our Own
@monikafilefan
#all eyes lead to the truth#musings of a cigarette smoking man#albert godwinkle#season four#season 4#s4#mulder#scully#msr#4x07#x files#fanfic#x files fanfic
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stupid rant
i know this fucking shit is gonna be dumb but i just gotta write this down so i can look back on it.
what is the point of struggling in life. this capitalistic hell cycle will never end. but even if i wanted to give up i cant.
it'd be a disgrace to the sacrifices my parents made to get me here. to give me a better life. i dont know why im acting so selfish and like a baby.
i havent struggled through anything as bad as my parents in life. i shouldnt be thinking this way but i still do. i hate myself for it.
i have to act more amture and accept my fate and just give in to the system. the only thing an individual can do in the system is work with it and not against.
even if by a stroke of luck one were to escape the sytem there'd be no point. you'd still see your fellow people still in the shitty hellhole that is the system.
the best one can do is be the best self they can be. they can just try to be honest to themselves and those around them. just try to make the world a better place. but still this notion of what one must be is flawed. who defines what the best self is?
its just a cope someone comes up with to justify their actions and be able to live with theirselves. Even if someone sets a standard of what it means to be good enough and be a good person there is still a way to improve.
every good action always has an ulterior motive to it, even if the people doing those actions dont realize it (or dont want to). i know this probably looks like shitty rant by a shitty teenager that doesnt know anything about the world but i just had to get this off my chest. all i can do in life is try to be my best self and try to help those around me the best way i can. but how do i know who i should help.
i know that people are flawed and are in some way deserving of help but sometimes i just dont want to help people. i act in a selfishb way and i hate myself for that. its just that its hard to want to try to help my fellow human. i wonder if religion would be the correct option for me. maybe id find the answers im seeking in one way or another.
thats atleast what my parents recommend. but i feel like religion is just a way for humans to cope with the inevetibality of death and what lays beyond it. they use it as a way to justify their actions and put themselves on a pedastool(??) and put other people down. i know that religion has brought good things to people but i feel like its just a giant scam. i know that i am in no position to critizice people who are religious but sometimes i just feel bad for them.
i know that ive tried to end my life multiple times. sometimes i still wonder if suicide is the right option. i know it isnt but it still lingers in the back of my mind.
i dont know why i have this lingering thought in my head even though i am living a good life. i have exceptional parents and an amazing life, but i always feel empty. maybe because i havent been the best self i can be, maybe because i feel that no matter what i do it wont be enough, or maybe becuase i know that i often lie and defraud people who put their complete trust in me. sometimes i wonder if i deserve to have all i have. i know that im a shitty human being but i try to cope and say that i just did what i needed to or it was the only option, but i know this isnt right. hell i know that im a fucking garbage person. theres a huge disconnect between what people see me as and what i know myself to be. i guess its probably just the process of growing up but i dont want to feel this way. someday i hope this feeling goes away and i will be able to see myself as people see me to be. idk this rant is shitty. i fuckin hope this shit gets better ig. tldr: im a fuckin dipshit with shit opinions
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hi hi ! first off, just a tip if you'd like more requests/asks in general you should prob turn on anon since this is like the only time i've sent a non-anon ask. but anyways, i'm assuming requests are open and i'd like to ask if you would write either just ranboo fluff in general or something like the tommy confession headcanons but w ranboo :D what you've posted so far is great <3
Thank you so much for letting me know! I thought I had anon turned on already, but it’s 100% turned on now! Regarding your request I got a little carried away and wrote both some general fluff and some confession headcanons for Ranboo so this post is a little long... Hope you enjoy! :D
(It’s important to note that these headcanons are a combination of ones pertaining to his Minecraft character in the dsmp and him outside of the dsmp roleplay!)
General Ranboo Fluff
- Dreamsmp Ranboo -
The first time Ranboo cries in front of you is when you confess to him and he is so happy and relieved that you reciprocate his feelings. He even smiles through the pain of his tears as you panic to cover the skin beneath his eyes, so your hands catch his tears to stop the pain.
Ranboo likes to ask if you need any resources from time to time and once you finally give in and answer, he spends the rest of his day trying to collect as much of it as he can. This has led to a few incidents in which you came back to your shared indent in the snowy mountain to find a chest stacked full with polished stone and countless ores. You’ve scolded him but the way he responds with big puppy dog eyes wishing to “just be helpful.” Sets the butterflies caged in your chest free every damn time.
Ranboo in addition to asking you for want you want he is also very observant in noticing what you need. Any tools close to breaking? Brilliant, he’s already got three more of the same tools ready for you to grab when you need it. He also names them using the anvil to some silly super cheesy pet names.
One of his favourite things to do with you is stargaze. You both travel to the top of your snowy mountain and clear out a space free of snow to lie down and simply hold each other. Ranboo has started asking Techno (on the nights you are away) to point out the stars and tell him their corresponding stories. He happily relays all of this information to you in exaggerated detail, looking at you in awe as your expressions change with the twinkling lights above.
Ranboo almost always carries a little umbrella around with him in case it begins to rain. Most of his friends notice and all start to buy him some. He now has a full collection that line his wall just next to the door. It’s those small things that allows him to remember who his real friends are.
Ranboo LOVES having his hair played with. He will fall asleep within minutes of you beginning to tousle his hair as he rests his head in your lap. He may make soft enderman noises, but you don’t dare tell him. Content on keeping that little secret to yourself.
Ranboo has to be kinda careful around snow considering that if it melts it will hurt him. Meaning he has to sit out on any snowball fights that occur. And they occur more frequently than you would think. It usually starts with Phil throwing a rogue snowball at Techno when Phil notices him slumping his shoulders. Which means it doesn’t take long until it’s a full-blown war. You usually find yourself smack bang in the middle of it and have to dive down to avoid getting pummelled in the crossfire. Ranboo will call you over to hide behind Techno’s house. As the onslaught continues between the two. you giggle and commentate over the fierce battle together.
- Outside of Dreamsmp Ranboo -
Ranboo enjoys watching you whenever you are focused on something. He’s incredibly observant and finds himself mimicking the small little nuances he sees you exhibit. He gets incredibly flustered whenever you notice that he’s picked up on them, but he doesn’t bother to deny it.
Ranboo finds himself staring at you a lot. He doesn’t mean to but he can’t help it. You catch him frequently, “Watching me real closely, hm?” He tries to stutter out an answer to defend himself, but you just smile and tell him it’s okay.
Ranboo finds a lot of comfort in doing ‘domestic’ activities with you. However, one of his personal favourites is when the two of you go out to get groceries together. His mum will give him a small list and he’ll try his best to dawdle around the store whilst swinging your intertwined hands to make the visit as long as possible. It makes him think of a future in which the two of you get to do this every single week and that alone warms his heart.
Ranboo always has to be near you, he doesn’t have to be physically touching you but he prefers to just be stupidly close to you. It always makes you laugh when he sits just close enough to you that you don’t touch, so now he has to do it forever.
Your laugh is one of his favourite sounds. To the point that if you giggle or laugh at something, he will just keep doing it over and over again for as long as you keep laughing at it. Which eventually leads to the both of you red-faced and gasping for air.
Ranboo is a terrible cook. But he tries so hard to follow recipes and they always flop. He also for some reason, cannot attempt cooking without making an utter mess of himself. Whether it’s spilling flour all over himself, getting egg yolk splatter somehow in his hair or just spilling copious amounts of milk on the floor so that he slips. This boy is a walking, talking kitchen DISASTER. So now he can only cook with you supervising him. Which turns out, wasn’t as much of a punishment as it should have been. As your tutelage seems to have slightly improved his cooking skills. However, now you also get flour spilt all over you as well.
Ranboo Confession Headcanons
- Realising he likes you -
Ranboo denies he has feelings for you at first. Believing that you’re just a good friend whose company he really enjoys. But the more he focuses on your friendship the quicker he realises he would prefer if you were more to him than that.
This thought alone sends him into a little bit of a spiral for a few days. Grappling with the thought of rejection and the guilt he would feel if he ever hurt you.
He spends most of the time grappling with his feelings he continues to try and act as normal as possible around you. You finding out would be his worst nightmare.
Ranboo realises he has absolutely no history in the dating department and desperately needs some guidance. He may ask Phil on a whim who would try his best to give the poor panicked boy some words of wisdom. Ranboo takes the advice to heart immediately, promising Phil he will update him on how his feelings for you turn out.
Ranboo finds himself writing about you in one of his many journals. He finds putting words on the page seems to help clear his mind. He tries to script his confession a few times. Desperately floundering to find the right words, but he always seems to fall short. He usually ends up scribbling all over those pages until you can barely tell someone had even written on them. Hoping to somehow erase the thoughts in the process.
He even tries drawing you a few times when he finds himself with enough spare time. He doesn’t think they’re any good though. Sure, the sketches look like you, but they don’t make him feel the way you do. When he looks at the page his chest doesn’t tighten because of your beauty, but instead because of the way you’ve made him feel. Which he comes to the sad conclusion is something he simply cannot capture in his words or his drawings. He has to show it through his actions. Not exactly his strong suit. But he’s determined to do right by you. So, he devises a plan.
- Confessing to you -
This boy plans the whole day down to a t, he has multiple back-up plans just in case his first one falls short.
Ranboo invites you over for lunch. Arriving at his place you notice how clean it is. He spent the last few days cleaning it top to bottom.
You spend a few minutes in the house chatting. You notice Ranboo is on edge almost immediately. Shoulders a pinch too tight, his smiles a little too wide and none of them reach his eyes.
You ask what you’re going to be having for lunch and he reveals a wicker basket from his kitchen. “A picnic!” Your heart warms, “I would’ve brought something if you’d told me beforehand.” He smiles at that, “Exactly. I even cooked without you, you should be proud.”
He shuffles on his feet a little, wishing to be praised, “We’ll see how the food tastes first, maybe then I’ll tell you how proud I am.” You tease, moving to elbow him lightly. You notice the way his face flushes as you move into his space. His mother appears from upstairs, “Are you two leaving? I could drive you, y’know!” “No thanks mom!!” He is quick to grab your hand and practically drag you out of the house and away from his all knowing mom.
The bus ride is on the longer side and you find yourself feeling brave enough to scoot a little closer to Ranboo. “Hey, is it okay if I?” You gesture between your head and his shoulder, the cute, shocked expression he sends you causes you to grin. “Uh s-sure!”
You softly press your head against his shoulder, “Thanks, pretty comfy shoulder you got here should’ve asked you to share it sooner.” You tease, nuzzling his shoulder lightly just for a reaction. And you get one alright, his skin goes such a lovely shade of red all the way up to the tips of his ears. You giggle softly, trying your best to hold it in and failing miserably.
You even manage to fall asleep despite your own heartbeat quickening at Ranboo’s closeness. You are tapped awake by him, “Hmm?” You rub one of your eyes knowingly appearing adorable and the way he looks at you makes it all worth it. “It’s our stop soon, we gotta get up.”
You nod and lazily stand and he follows suit. Only for the bus to brake abruptly, promptly shoving you into his chest. He wraps his arms around you quickly to steady you whilst you desperately cling to the wicker basket, “You okay?” You both mumble to each other before laughing it off and nodding. “Oh crap.” Ranboo grabs your free hand and you both scramble to get to the front of the bus to hop off. Sparks fly up your arm at the extended contact, even as you jump off the bus.
Ranboo happily leads you to a spot he had picked out earlier in the month. A soft patch of grass below a large willow tree that now sways softly in the warm breeze. You set up your carefully packaged feast with haste now that your stomachs are grumbling.
Ranboo forcefully tries to make himself relax knowing you’ve probably noticed his tense state by now. But you choose not to push him on it, taking an educated guess on why he’s so stressed.
You are quick to compliment his cooking skills when he divvies out a freshly baked quiche. Even though you know his mom for sure did most of the work. It’s the thought that counts. You hope that may snap him out of the stupor he seems to be in. However, no such luck.
“Hey Ranboo, do you want to talk about something?” Ranboo goes into full panic mode. He did not have a plan for you asking something like this. He thought you weren’t confrontational!! You watch as his expression changes rapidly. You look away, “You don’t have to tell me, it’s okay. I just thought you might want to-“
He takes one of your hands in his. Why is he doing this??? This isn’t part of the plan at all! “I…” His throat goes dry. All those hours obsessing over what he was going to say to you are sent out the window when he finally meets your eyes.
“I think I like you.” He hasn’t realised he’s even said it until its waaaaaay too late. Your eyes widen, you didn’t think he’d actually admit it to you. You squeeze his hand as you watch his eyes seem to lose focus, “I like you too.” He is silent for several long moments until he starts blinking rapidly, “Huh!?” The look of utter surprise on his face causes you to burst out laughing.
“Wait, wait, wait you’re serious?” He grabs your arm as a grin slowly starts to creep onto his face. “Sure am.” And as you meet his gaze you realise that his grin actually reached his eyes, for the first time in a long while.
“So, you gonna kiss me now or what?” You tease as his face shines a dark red. “W-well I, uh-“ His stuttering only allows for you to sneak closer and press a firm kiss to his cheek. Somehow, he grows even redder and you sigh pleasantly. “My heart definitely made the right choice with you Ranboo.”
Meanwhile Ranboo is too busy freaking out over the fact that you weren’t even meant to find out he liked you until you were stargazing together later tonight. His plans are utterly ruined! But as you squeeze his hand again to bring his thoughts back into the present, he wonders that perhaps spontaneity isn’t such a bad thing sometimes.
~My ask box is always open if you’ve got any requests or just want to vent about the dreamsmp lore!~
#mcyt#ranboo#x reader#ranboo x reader#fluff headcanons#mcyt x reader#confession headcanons#mcyt imagines#mcyt headcanons
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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One
TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE
So.
This is a little different than what I usually do.
Clearly.
God, how did we even get here?
Oh, I remember.
The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.
...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.
I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.
And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.
Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.
Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.
This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.
Anyway.
How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.
Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.
Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.
It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?
The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.
Haha, I doubt it.
So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.
Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.
Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.
Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.
For loving his child.
We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.
The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.
We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?
No. Not at all, actually.
Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.
The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered.
Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?
This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.
See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.
It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.
But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!
We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.
Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.
It’s just a shame that I don’t care.
Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.
Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.
We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.
Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.
Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.
Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?
Right???
RIGHT??????????
RIGH-
Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.
I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.
Anyway.
Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.
Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.
Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.
Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.
Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.
Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.
“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.
Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.
Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way.
But we’ll get to that in a bit.
So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.
Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.
Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.
Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”
As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.
As if women are property to be owned.
As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.
We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.
We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.
Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.
Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.
Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).
The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.
Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.
Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.
Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.
Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?
Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.
The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.
Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.
Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.
Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-
A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?
You can’t be fucking serious.
ANYWAY.
Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.
As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.
Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.
She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.
This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.
It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.
I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.
I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.
I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.
The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.
As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.
Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.
Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.
He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.
Which made me groan aloud.
Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.
Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.
Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.
The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-
The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-
She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.
Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.
The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-
With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.
We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.
Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.
Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.
The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.
However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.
Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?
Right???
RIGHT??????????
RIGH-
Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.
And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.
Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.
Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.
Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.
Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.
The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.
Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?
Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.
With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.
Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.
So they try it again.
This time it works, sort of.
At the very least, he’s left now.
Tail fell off, though.
Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.
Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.
Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea.
But what do I know?
Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven.
It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.
Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.
Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.
Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.
Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.
After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.
The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.
No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.
Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.
Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.
As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.
Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”
Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.
The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.
Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.
No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.
Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.
LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.
Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?
Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.
There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.
The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.
Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.
While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.
Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!
Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.
Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”
Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.
This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.
All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.
It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.
But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.
Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.
Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.
Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.
Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.
Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”
Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.
Judy doesn’t count.
As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.
I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.
We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.
Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.
We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.
In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.
Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.
Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.
Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.
Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.
Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?
This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.
I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.
Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.
Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.
No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.
If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.
When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.
Don’t ask how that works, it just does.
So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.
Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!
Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.
Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.
This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.
Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.
Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.
For about 20 seconds.
Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.
Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.
Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.
While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.
I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.
Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.
Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.
Ratchet’s fine, by the way.
The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.
Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.
Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.
She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.
Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.
Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.
Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.
Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”
We still have another hour of this movie.
The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.
As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.
Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.
Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.
Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.
Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”
Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.
Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.
Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.
I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.
Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.
Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.
...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?
Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.
But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.
Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.
The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.
No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.
Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.
Nope, that doesn’t happen either.
Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.
Repeatedly.
They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.
Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.
Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.
Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.
When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?
Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.
Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.
Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.
Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.
Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.
Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.
We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.
Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.
Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.
I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.
Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.
And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.
Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.
Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.
We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.
Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.
Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.
Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.
Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.
We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.
Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.
Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.
We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.
Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!
Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!
The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.
Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.
There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.
Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!
Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!
The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.
Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.
Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?
Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.
Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.
Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.
Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.
Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.
They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.
Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.
Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.
Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.
This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.
Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.
Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.
Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.
Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.
Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?
Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.
Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.
Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.
Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.
Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.
Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.
Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.
Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.
Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.
The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”
Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.
Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.
The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.
Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.
Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.
The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.
Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.
Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.
Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.
Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?
Oh, right, because ~girl~.
Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.
Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.
Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.
Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.
Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.
Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.
Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.
Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.
Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.
Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.
Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.
He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.
Y’know.
Like a vast, predatory bird.
Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.
Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.
Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.
Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.
I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?
Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.
Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.
He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.
While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.
Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”
Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.
The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.
Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.
Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.
Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.
I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.
No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.
Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.
Feminist icon Megatron?
Feminist icon Megatron.
Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.
Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.
I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.
Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”
Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.
The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.
The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.
Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.
Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.
Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.
Congrats on your first murder, Sam.
Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.
Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.
In tow.
In tow-
Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.
Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.
Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.
Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.
Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.
Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.
Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.
The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.
Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.
And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.
The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.
And that’s where they leave us.
IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.
So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.
And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?
When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.
What a mess.
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COMING SOON:
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD
TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW
TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY
#transformers#bayverse#part one#maccadam#Hannzreads#Hannzwatches#text post#long post#film analysis#off topic
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This is weird. My dialogue is awful. I've been writing for over eight years now. I've barely improved. I feel demoralised every time I reread something of mine because it's just plain terrible. Like, there's no way anyone is actually ever going to say that. Let alone two super witty people, you just know would be great at bantering / flirting. I've asked people to beta, they're just too nice to actually tell me the very apparent issue with my dialogue. I'm not exaggerating. What should I do?
Hey, anon! First of all, I'm honoured that you thought of reaching out to me for this question even though I'm definitely still learning a lot of things about writing and what feels right to me myself. But I understand where you're coming from, and I'll do my best to help you out in whatever way I can. If any of my lovely writer mutuals have more to add, please feel free to do so!
1. Before I even start talking about anything else, it's important to remember that we're our own toughest critic, so it's possible (and quite likely) that your dialogues are not nearly as terrible as you think they are. When you've been writing and staring at the same words you've written multiple times, even the most interesting of dialogues can feel lame and try-hard to you. Whenever I write a fic and proofread through it before posting, 9/10 times I feel like it sounds boring or too dragged out. And it's because I already know what's going to happen, what the other person is going to say. Even if something is meant to be witty, I no longer find it to be so because I've written them. Return to your fics a year from now and you may feel differently.
2. Your betas are there to help you. I know it's difficult to broach that awkward boundary where you want them to be brutally honest about your writing vs wanting strangers on the internet to shower you with validation, but if you really, genuinely, want to improve your writing and make the maximum use of your betas, try talking to them about it. From what you've told me, they seem like very nice people, and if you tell them that they should just be as critical with your writing as they are with theirs, I think they'd understand. If they find that uncomfortable, that's fair. You can always ask someone else. I find that having different betas for different fics is always a good idea because you get to see how differing perspectives work.
3. Ask your betas to leave you comments when they're editing. It's easier to just pass on the doc and have them fix your typos and grammatical errors, but ask them how you can improve the dialogue and pacing as well! Tell them to leave some tips for you as they go over your work. This way, it doesn't have to be an one-on-one conversation (so neither of you feel awkward), and you can just return to the doc later and go through the suggestions slowly and imbibe them into your future works.
4. This might sound very simple, but it's important to remember when you're writing fic that these characters are normal humans who talk and behave like normal humans do. Sometimes, the whole flirting/bantering feel of the conversation just comes through from their actions and not their words. For eg. instead of writing something like:
"Hey, Potter! Are you free this weekend?" asked Lily.
"Why? Wanna take me on a date, Evans?" He smirked.
"Maybe I do."
You bring the scene to life through the same words, but more actions. Like so:
"Hey, Potter!" Lily called, her fingers tentative as they fell on his arm. James turned around, one eyebrow cocked. "Are you free this weekend?"
He looked at her silently, a smirk pulling at his lips. "Why? Wanna take me on a date, Evans?"
Lily's eyes glittered with the thrill of a challenge, and she pressed a little closer. "Maybe I do."
5. Make sure that you let your characters talk and breathe like normal humans, too! Let them take those heavy pauses for tense scenes, let them break off in between sentences because they can't finish a thought right or they're laughing too hard or they've just suddenly remembered something that froze them on the spot. Let them fumble and sigh and repeat words like we do IRL conversations. If your character is having an argument, and they're red in the face, they're probably not gonna say: "Why not?"
They're much more likely to say: "Well, why the hell not?!"
You can throw in a couple of "um"s and "uh"s and "er"s for those unsure few milliseconds. Em dashes are your best friends here. Sometimes, even saying that they're pausing to think or breathe or collect themselves can help bring your dialogues to life.
But yeah, don't overdo them either coz then the flow might break lol
6. Read! Read! Read! As writers, we sometimes forget to really read other stories or appreciate different characterizations and writing styles, which can make your writing growth halt. Not saying this is true for everyone, but reading more definitely doesn't do harm. And especially for us fanfic writers, this works even better, because we're writing about the same characters again and again. If you read another writer's take on it, you'll slowly start to hold onto the pattern of how a certain character speaks, or what they're likely to do. This is extremely useful when writing a dialogue. For instance, I know how headstrong and stubborn Lily is, I've read so many takes on this trait of hers. So when I write my dialogues, I know I can't have her backing down easily. She will go red in the face, she will yell, she will be in denial, and say harsh things she probably doesn't mean entirely when she's mad. But at the same time, I also know she's unflinchingly kind, so you know you have to write that she speaks in soft tones when comforting someone. She probably smiles really kindly, tucks her hair behind her ear when she's shy, confesses things with a lot of bravery, watches James from the sidelines with the softest expression (sorry, got lost in the feels for a sec)
Similarly, you've gotta make James be the loudest one in the room, the one who's voice carries over to everyone, who's absolutely unabashed in his dialogues and whose confidence shines through his words. But the same boy then turns unsure and tentative in moments where his heart is on the line. I always write his dialogues as super vulnerable during such scenes (much more than Lily's would be). A lot of desperation, pleases, promises, etc. etc.
I know this got really long, and I'm not sure if any of it was at all helpful. If you're looking for something specific, please do send in another ask! I don't mind helping out!
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I've been reading through a lot of radfem blogs and posts lately. and gotta say, i'm leaning a lot towards radical feminism. And im definitely gender critical.
but one topic I want to talk about in particular is the criticism of Islam.
Which I feel is totally valid considering the current state of mainstream islam and Muslims.
Mainstream Islam (is what you see on all social media, seemingly practised by a lot of Muslims) IS sexist. And homophobic. There's no use denying it, neither do I think I'm a bad Muslim for not supposedly defending my own religion. You have to recognise the flaws in your own system to improve and progress.
Then arises the question why am I still Muslim then/ why do I still practise Islam? If I recognise the way it is practised is sexist and homophobic, which are things I'm against?
The difference lies in my belief that "mainstream Islam" is much different from the root of Islam.
Many (read: a LOT, not all) modern Muslims have been influenced by ultra conservative movements that want to return Islam to the way they believe was practised during the time of the Prophet (pbuh), ie; some centuries back. This is propagated by the ideas of Salafism and Wahhabism that frankly, prevent progress, reform or any sort of growth in Muslim communities.
I personally have witnessed this in my own country, India, where women are increasingly wearing the hijab and even full body covering purdahs, not talking to the opposite gender, men not looking a woman other than their wives in the eye, etc compared to when my mother was a child, when almost all Muslim women dressed in normal comfortable clothes and there were no much gender segregations. (Gender segregation still existed to a certain degree due to conservative Indian culture ofc)
This radicalisation led to the development of ultra conservative Muslims who enforce sexist, homophobic and separatist policies in the name of God.
They claim to want to return to "true Islam" but they add so many unnecessary rules and regulations you have to follow in order to be a "true Muslim" that are almost so impossible to follow I can vouch I have unconciously broken like 50 of them in one day maybe. These "laws" are derived from:
1. The hadith
2. Arab culture
3. Poor translation of the Quran to fit these radical ideals.
Explaining each of these in a little more detail,
1. A lot of practising Muslims might come at me for this one, but I feel that considering the hadith to be a holy source of guidance and believing everything in the Hadith when there are so many contradictions and logical fallacies, is foolish.
For those who have no clue what the hadith is, Islam basically has the Qur'an, which is, as we believe, a holy book revealed by God to the Prophet (pbuh), which acts as divine guidance on how to live life as a good person. It has rules, suggestions, and guidance to take desicions on a lot of everyday matters we face. It was a godsend (hehe pun fully intended) to women, who weren't even allowed to own property back then. Muslims believe that the Quran is guaranteed againt corruption by God, as revealed in one of the verses. Therefore, to a believer, it is THE book to consult, and the verses will never change, no matter how many years pass. There's actually a really interesting way the Quran is coded, so people can know if it has been tampered with or not, if anyone is interested. But the bottom line is, for a Muslim, the verses of Quran cannot be challenged. There are various INTERPRETATIONS of said verses, but the core Arabic text is the same.
Now there is a secondary source of guidance in the form of Hadith, which is literature that claims to record things the Prophet (pbuh) has said in his lifetime. The problem I find, along with other hadith critics, is that it was compiled much later after the death of the Prophet. Muslims argue that these hadiths were passed down in a proper recorded chain of transmitters that can assure the message hasn't been altered or tampered with. The problem is, that the standard used then was just how reliable was a person's memory and how trustworthy they were, and they did not actually judge the actual content of the hadith. So even if a hadith hypothetically said "Kill all the disbelievers", (which, fyi, it does NOT) and it had a reliable chain of recorders, it would be accepted as "sahih" (trustworthy) hadith, even though it clearly goes against the guidelines of the Quran, where it says there shall be no compulsion in religion (which implies you cannot just murder anyone who refuses to believe/ believes another religion). If one actually examined the content of this imaginary hadith, it would be easy to see it's tampered with by people with or without malicious intent (for eg, it might've actually been "You can kill the disbelievers ONLY if they attack you and will not leave you and your family alone") or some may not even remotely be the words of the Prophet, as he only followed the Quran.
Also, the integrity of the Hadith isn't guaranteed by God anywhere in the Quran. To know more about this, I suggest you read this link , and this one.
So yeah, I take hadith with a (large) grain of salt. So I will not be including them in my discussion obviously.
Now a lot of these hadith have been fabricated, as established, or reflect something that was applicable specifically in that time and setting, seeing that the Prophet was an ordinary man who couldn't predict the future or know about all the different cultures of the world.
So even if the headscarf was a part of Arabian attire, that doesn't mean it has to be assimilated into our cultures now. Just because prostitutes used to pluck all their eyebrows out to signify that they are prostitutes (sex work is forbidden in Islam, because of the negative impact on women and society), doesn't mean that women are not allowed to pluck their eyebrows now.
Following these hadith blindly without considering for a moment that hey, these might be outdated, seeing it isn't meant for all time periods like the Quran, and half of these contradict themselves, maybe we shouldn't consider this as an authority on rules in Islam. Personally, I don't believe anything is forbidden that is mentioned as such solely in the Hadith, and not in the Quran.
But the staunch belief in all of these Hadith leads to micromanaging of women, and literally everyone else. Few ridiculous examples include:
women can't pluck their eyebrows
men can't wear silk or gold, and they need to grow beards
music and dance is forbidden (seriously???)
the Prophet married a literal child of nine years (no do not try to justify it as "it was acceptable back then". According to the Qur'an it wasn't. Girls had to be mature enough to reject or agree to marriages and literal children can't do that. There is plenty of research to prove that Aisha (ra), his wife, was at the very least 19 or 20. Again a case of unreliable and maybe purposefully manipulated Hadith. Scholars and people who uphold the theory that Aisha was 9, and hence, child marriage is legal are pedophiles through and through)
I feel that if anything, hadith should be considered with the authority of historical commentary, giving us more context to the times, and should never be blindly trusted just because a lot of scholars say it is a "sahih" (trusted) hadith.
Also a main feature of Islam is that you don't need an extra priest (no offence to religions who have priests) or a scholar to tell you things and intervene with God for you. You have a holy book, your own common sense and humanity, and you pray to establish a connection with God. Scholars are secondary OPINIONS who can provide insight from their knowledge and research to people who want it, but by no means any authority on things, just like hadith.
2. Arab culture and society, especially back the times that radicals want to emulate, was heavily patriarchal. Islam gave women rights and protection, but they were still limited by the cultural norms of that era.
What these people actually want is to return society to Arabic culture in that time period. (Exhibit A: the abaya/purdah for women and khandoorah for men. exhibit B: sex-segregated spaces)
Back then, women were expected to be caretakers and mothers, and men were expected to be the strong masculine protector.
Enforcing said cultural norms into modern day Islam is ridiculous. Saying that women rarely left the house back then, hence women shouldn't leave their houses now is the same as saying there weren't phones back then, so I shouldn't use one now. Would you ever give up your phones? So how about we do the same to women's autonomy and freedom? Adapt to modern times like regular humans?
If women were meant to stay at home, and meant to just rear children, and never meant to be seen in public, and never meant to be seen by the opposite sex, as extremists say "is God's will", then why is none of this found in the Quran? Do you seriously believe that God, describe multiple times as All-forgiving and generous and kind, would ever persecute women to such a fate? If you do believe that, then maybe you need to re-examine in the nature of God that you believe in. Also if you tell me the "it's for their safety" gimmick, I will flip out. It has been proved multiple times that a woman's dressing has nothing whatsoever to do with why men rape.
Sure, Islam advocates for modesty in dressing, for both sexes. Both are called to not stare rudely (many Muslim men seem to forget that part of the verse, strangely), both are advised to dress in modest, comfortable, clean and practical attire. Never once is anything remotely like "YOU'LL GO TO HELL IF YOU EXPOSE YOUR ELBOW, WOMAN". But the way modern Muslims enforce the dress code (some even going to the lengths of saying women shouldn't wear BRIGHT COLOURED CLOTHES, so as to not attract attention!!! I'm looking at you, Mufti Menk), you'd think that God says something much worse than that. Infact God pulls out Uno reverse, and encourages us to dress as beautifully as we want, especially when visiting the mosque.
3. A lot of English translations of the Quran come from Saudi Arabia. A country famous for its conservative practise of Islam. While the original Arabic text cannot be changed, a lot of these translations include information in parantheses that add "rules" based on the above mentioned factors, that a casual reader or a new Muslim who doesn't know Arabic will consider to be authentic rules of the Quran, extrapolated from the verse, and not extra additions that are often derived from hadith. A very good example of this is the headcover verse, which you can see in this link.
Even all the hostility surrounding homosexual people has been derived from cultural influences and one set of verses. From around 6000 verses, just a single set passingly mention homosexuality. Don't you think that if it truly were such a great sin, God would have explicitly forbidden it? Also why would he create such a natural variation in sexuality and then forbid it? Why isn't it forbidden for animals then? Is all-loving God that cruel to create this natural and healthy attraction in them and then explicitly forbid it when straight people get to marry and live life in bliss? (Please don't say that "God also created pedophilia, and that's natural, so by this logic shouldn't we allow that too?" because pedophilia IS NOT HEALTHY, AT ALL. IT'S IS A DISORDER. Unlike homosexuality) I'm also not picking and choosing things to fit my lifestyle, as some might say, as I am straight, and the only reason I support the LGBT community because I have basic humanity?? And they're humans who deserve rights and joy and freedom and acceptance just like the rest of us.
There have been reformed translations of Quran which examine the verse without prior bias against LGBT people, and they have presented an alternate translation, that the verse condemns sexual assault, which happened to be homosexual in the particular story. Check out this link too, which explains how closely examining the words used could change the meaning from one thing to another.
What I attempted to prove in this extremely long post is that the practise of a religion isn't necessarily the reflection of its true nature.
There are progressive open-minded people who believe in Islam because it gives them hope and solace. People who believe because core beliefs of Islam aligned with their own views and simple logic.
NOT to say there aren't religious bigots who will totally use religion to manipulate people into oppressing themselves or other people. There are, there are a LOT of people like that who call themselves "scholars". And there are a lot of people who follow these extremely harmful regressive version of Islam without critically thinking about what they are following.
I've seen a post discussing the meaning of the word Islam, which means submission to God. It said that it implies total submission, without questioning what we believe.
That is an argument used by both religious extremists to further their beliefs, and by the opposite side, who say the religion is oppressive.
I wish to present a view that Islam itself tells us to think critically, to use our brains to question everything and anything we believe. And then to arrive at our own conclusions. And if you're a decent, kind human, those beliefs maybe align with Islam (not saying that if you're not Muslim, you're horrible, that is not what I meant at all). And if the opinion between people differs, there's always logic and reasoning behind every rule that is presented in the Quran. Don't believe me? Here's the verse that tells people not to blindly follow their parents' religion. And here's a list of verses about critical thinking.
The reason we (atleast reformist Muslims) submit to God is because we questioned it, we came to the conclusion that Hey! This is right. I can submit to my Creator by, who is basically the consciousness that created everything and is the source of all goodness, love and strength, because the rules mentioned here make sense and they privde a moral framework for me to base important desicions on. They feel right. And there is logic behind everything written in this.
I don't mean to present Islam as an all-perfect amazing religion everyone should believe and that I'm right, everyone else, especially those liberal atheists who criticise my religion are wrong and WILL BURN IN HELL. I consider Islam a perfect moral framework, and that's my business only. Anyone can follow what they want and it's none of my business. In fact there is no compulsion in religion at all, and people who say Muslim or go to hell are wrong imo.
What I intended was to paint a picture of reformist Muslims who are still out there, who follow the religion because they questioned it. And not the religion as this stringent rule book we all have to follow down to a t, micromanaging every aspect of our lives and living in perpetual fear of hell, but rather this basic moral guide that teaches us tact, compassion and justice, to bring us closer to God spiritually. I wanted to show that the majority isn't always reflective of what I think is the true core of Islam.
I feel that many practises in the name of Islam are highly questionable and should be criticized, but I also want people to know that the people who seemingly represent the religion, are not representative of the entire mass of believers. That sometimes the practises you might criticize might have nothing to do with the actual religion, atleast according to some of us. It was also for fellow Muslims who might be in the same place I was a few years ago, questioning everything I had learnt was part of my religion.
This is also NOT to undermine struggles of people forced to follow Islam and its seeming requirements like hijab. This is not to claim that nope, every Muslim is fine and ok, and we're all peaceful progressive people. In fact I wish to do the exact opposite, to show that people who enforce oppressive policies in the name of Islam aren't actually backed by the religion and neither should they be backed by other Muslims. I'm also not trying to say no one should criticize Islam. Criticism helps us grow. Criticism is necessary to uncover oppression and eradicate it. So by all means, criticize.
I'm so glad I found the subreddit r/progressive_Islam when I did because it helped me a lot, and opened me to other like-minded progressive Muslims, who actively hope to counter the negative effects of Salafism and conservatism that is overtaking Islam.
So yeah, I think I covered almost everything I wanted to talk about and here's a final link that pretty much just states my position on things.
PS idk why this thingy is in different colours it just seemed cooler and less boring to read
#religion#islamicpost#radfem#gender critical#muslim#progressive#change#critical thinking#sexism#feminism#feminist#allies#humanity#extremism#womenempowerment#freewomen#headcovering#mine
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