#he looks like hes so ocd that he makes any girl he has sex with thoroughly bathe baforehand like patrick bateman

[writingforfun0714]

Bad Batch/Arcane ‘Left Behind’ Scene Comparison Part 1/2

So this is gonna be a long post but I’ll split into 2 parts.

I’m gonna do a scene comparison between 2 shows that have similar characters. I will be comparing Bad Batch’s Omega with Arcane’s Powder. Both girls are incredibly similar in both age and their characters.

Warnings—not a fic, scene comparison, 2 parts (part 1 of 2), contains spoilers for Bad Batch, Arcane, mention/talk of mental illness and trauma, headcanons, bad screen caps (cuz idk how and most streaming services don’t let you screenshot 😕), lemme know if I need to add more

*Everyone experiences mental illness differently. Any and all talk of mental illness is from my own perspective of being diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD and most recently psychotic depression.*

I’ll start by listing the similarities between both girls first. I headcanon Omega to be 11 in S1 of BB and 12 in S2 (but I will use 11 since only S1 is out as of writing this—just like Arcane having only 1 season as of writing this as well). I headcanon Powder to be around 9 (9-10), which is pretty close. Also both girls are extremely attached to the people/person they depend on. Omega is dependent on Hunter and CF99 and Powder is dependent on Vi, her older sister and their adopted dad Vander. They both also have a fear of being left behind by said loved ones (which is the scene/trope I will be analyzing). They both also are the inexperienced, youngest members of their respective groups, eager to prove themselves.

I’ve talked about this before but I’d like to mention that both girls aren’t good at what they love to do and both also have gifts/talents that go unused. Omega is great at strategy (ep10), but is only shown to use her skills in that episode. While in ep1, when Omega shot Crosshair’s blaster out of his hand, she’s shown to not be a good shot (ep6) having hit the target 3/12 times and has to practice to get good. By contrast, Powder’s a great shot, outshooting the brother that bullies her, but isn’t given a weapon because of her age and location. Powder is incredibly smart and prefers to make homemade bombs, though they never work (until the explosion in ep3). By ep4, Powder, now known as Jinx, has perfected her bombs/grenades and they explode without fail.

Important to note: Arcane is TV-14, which means content may not be suitable for anyone younger than 14 and Bad Batch is TV-PG, which means content is for 7yrs and up. HOWEVER! I believe the TV-14 rating for Arcane is for the depiction of Shimmer (drugs/drug abuse), the sex scene in ep5, the bathroom scene with Mel’s mom in ep8, and gun violence. I believe any depictions of intense emotions/emotional distress would’ve been fine to show in a show like Bad Batch, because TCW (BB’s predecessor) has established that it has crossed the line for a kids show a few times (Umbara arc, spider-Maul, inhibitor chip arc).

Part 1/2

The scene: Being left behind

The shows: Bad Batch/Arcane

The characters: Omega/Powder

1–Unaware: Both girls are unaware they are not accompanying the group. Omega gets her electrobow set and tells Hunter she is ready when he is. Powder gathers what she needs (her bombs/hexcrystals) and stands at the ready.

2–The First No/Rejection: Hunter tells Omega ‘not this time’ and to stay behind. He is stern because he’s firm about his decision from the beginning. Vi is a bit different in that she doesn’t want to tell Powder no, but does so anyways for her sister’s safety. Her facial expression isn’t like Hunter’s at all. She appears almost sad compared to Hunter’s serious look.

3–First Argument: Omega is confused and tells Hunter that she is part of the squad, meaning she should go too. Omega is confused at first before she switches to a pleading look in the 2nd panel. Powder is also confused, merely asking ‘What?’, as if she didn’t hear Vi right. Powder looks to be more hurt in the 2nd panel compared to begging to go with—which will come later.

4–2nd Argument: Hunter tells Omega that following orders shouldn’t be a problem because she is a member of the squad. Omega looks at Hunter with a slightly more intense pleading look, clearly begging to go with. There’s more of a back and forth between Powder and Vi. Vi insists it’s too dangerous, while Powder argues that family stick together and now Powder looks at Vi with more of a pleading look than one of hurt or confusion.

5–I Know, But…: Both older parentified figures agree/understand their younger counterpart’s argument, but they insist for the younger one’s protection. Here’s a better shot of Hunter looking at Omega and Vi looking at Powder while saying ‘I know what I said’.

6–Insisting: Mostly shown by a look shared between Omega and Hunter, Hunter insists she stay behind while she insists to go, both with the look in their eyes. Powder insists she can help along with an intense pleading look in the 2nd panel.

7–Final No: Hunter eventually asks Omega if she understands and acknowledges her as a soldier. That’s important because it reaffirms to the girl that she is one of the squad, despite not being able to go. That’s completely different from Vi’s immediate, slightly harsh but true ‘You’re not ready’.

8–Reaction: Here’s where the most obvious difference is in this scene. Both girls’ reactions are entirely different to being told no. Perhaps it’s because how the ‘no’ was put (Hunter wasn’t as harsh as Vi). Regardless, Omega’s reaction to being told no by Hunter is an eyeroll (such a Boba thing to do honestly) and a small groan with it. Powder, on the other hand is crushed. Powder goes through these micro-expressions that are really beautiful. First she is surprised, then she’s crushed by Vi’s words gasping a bit before she looks confused and disbelieved. It’s interesting because during this time, she looks away, as if trying to figure out why before looking back at Vi, as if to ask if what she said was true.

9–Acknowledgement: Omega looks at Hunter before finally replying like a soldier, though it’s clearly half-hearted and she’s not happy about it, almost resigned. Vi tells Powder that she is all the older girl has left and that she cannot lose her before gently caressing Powder’s face. Powder looks at Vi sadly before shutting her eyes, accepting to stay behind before looking away, clearly upset and sad, completely different from Omega’s disappointment.

10–Orders: This one’s a bit out of order from the rest of the Bad Batch stills. Hunter gives Omega specific instructions to stay close to Cid and not to leave before asking if she understands. In Bad Batch, this occurs between #6/7 but in Arcane, this part occurs at the end of the scene. Vi gives Powder a flare and tells her to run if Enforcers come for her. Vi tells Powder to light the flare and she will find her, promising the younger girl.

After doing this comparison, it’s honestly surprising how different the same scene can be, despite having similar characters. It’s a little obvious how much more intense Powder’s emotions are conveyed compared to Omega’s. I think it’s because Omega is used staying behind/being left (Nala Se being so protective of her and all), so when Hunter tells her to stay behind as well, Omega is more disappointed/frustrated than upset like Powder. Because of her separation anxiety, Powder doesn’t seem to have had many moments where the two are separated (by Vi no less). I HC that both Vi and Powder were told to stay behind right before the attempted Zaunite rebellion on the bridge and then their parents were killed—that’s why Powder spiraled in her room in ep3 (the last time Powder had to stay behind=loved ones died). I feel like being separated/told to stay behind didn’t really happen for Powder (even if it should’ve) unless Vi thought it was truly life-or-death.

The different reactions can also be attributed to the relationships between the younger girls and their parentified caregivers. While Omega has stated that Hunter and the others are ‘her brothers’, I’d argue that she has a more father-daughter relationship with the Batch (aside from Wrecker who is more fun older brother/uncle), despite her never referring to Hunter as ‘dad’. I believe however, she thinks of Hunter as a dad. The clones refer to themselves as ‘brothers’ so it makes sense Omega would too, being surrounded by clones growing up on Kamino. When Hunter asks if she has parents in ep1, Omega is confused. I don’t think she knows what parents are and so, refers to Hunter and the Batch as the closest thing to family a clone has: ‘brothers’. While they do have an adoptive father in Vander, Vi has taken on the role of parent to Powder, being the only older female figure in her life. Honestly I see their relationship a lot like Nani and Lilo’s from Lilo and Stitch, though even Lilo admits that she likes Nani better as a sister than a mom. While they still fought like siblings, Powder looks up to Vi and desperately wants her approval.

Given how sheltered and protected Omega grew up, I was a bit surprised by how mature and capable she seemed to be (which I think lead to a lack in character development), especially given that one of her first new experiences with a different world was a hostile/aggressive interaction with a wild animal.

So I guess that’s it for this part. I tried to line everything up as best I could, but the scene is a bit longer in Arcane than in Bad Batch. I’m going to do Omega and Powder and how they handle being left behind for a part 2.

PART 2

Those of you who made it through this post, thank you and hope you enjoyed my thoughts👍💕

—Maisy

#star wars #star wars bad batch #bad batch #sw tbb #tbb #bad batch omega #arcane #arcane vi #arcane powder #arcane jinx #bad batch analysis #bad batch scene comparison #arcane analysis #arcane scene comparison #omega and powder #they really are super similar #just executed differently

[hyperdemona]

Hi, could you talk more about how you got out of christianity? I’m struggling with it as a radfem and lesbian which has caused me to internalize so so much homophobia and misogyny. I guess my main concern is about that god being the “one true god” and about revelations. There are some guys (wendigoon for example) who say that god has been helping women at that time (one that comes to mind is Leviticus 27:6, where god supposedly set a women’s value lower so it would be easier to reach because they were given little to no money back then). Honestly I’m still struggling with this whole religion and faith thing, I’ve gone back and forth dozens of times and I just want it to end.

For me, it went like this - I didn't just "leave" Christianity, I matured away from it once I left for grad school. It couldn't have happened anyway.

I was raised in a very traditional South Indian Christian home. I grew up reading the Bible, especially the Old Testament, which I found myself reading a lot as a young girl because my parents couldn't always buy me books, and I was a kid who loved to read. By age 9-10, I'd read most of the Old Testament, and I remember the extremely misogynistic laws of Deutoronomy and Leviticus often incensed me. It's odd that as a young girl, I recognised the sexism in religion and religious texts much more than I would in my teenage and young adult days. I don't think I am the only one either, this is very likely a female experience, as young, unhindered, children we have a much clearer view of the misogyny of religion, but we grow up to accept it as the truth by adolescence and adulthood, unless circumstances arise that make us start to question it. This was how it was for me. All the guilt and insecurity of adolescence and the repression of Malayali culture made me "turn to Jesus" and start taking my faith very seriously, to the point of OCD. I also loved conspiracy theories and stuff like Rapture theology and Young Earth theory, which I read about in the American Evangelical and right-wing websites I trawled from my home in Kerala. I was hooked on that shit. Things got better in my late teens as I stopped spending as much time on religious shit and went to college, but it wasn't until I was 22-23 that I really looked back faced all of that head-on and started realising that I didn't need any of it, and moreover, it's doing me a lot of harm, as well as making me a hypocrite.

Once you realise that there is no way Christianity (or any religion) is true, you just get used to the idea of there not being a God. You also realise that you were right as a child - God and religion are extremely sexist, and are intentionally so. Patriarchal religion is designed to function as a system of mental slavery for women. Getting us to accept it will make us more compliant in a male-supremacist society. Everything that you do - be it reading a book that opens your eyes and mind to women's rights and realities, spending a nice afternoon with your girlfriend and having sex with her because you love her, getting an education, bettering yourself, making a nice life worth living for yourself, perhaps with a wife or gf, all of that you do DESPITE what the Bible tells you to. This shitty religion will never accept you or let you be happy, and that's because it's not for you, it was made for the benefit of your future husband (which it says you are supposed to have btw and shame if you don't). At some point you gotta rid yourself of this toxicity and walk away.

Also the "One true God" is a flaccid clown who's always cartoonishly angry and vengeful because of various unreasonable things. Women don't need religion, religion needs women, to silently comply with it. The God of the Bible for me is really starting to look, speak, and act like an abusive, entitled husband trying to claim ownership of things he never created. I don't think he created shit, he's merely a liar, and an imaginary construct of male religion to usurp women's role in creating and bringing forth life. Religions are always anti-reality and doesn't accept natural phenomena like homosexuality, or especially death. It reflects male nature, men can't accept death because they can't create life like we can. So they try making up stories where a male God created everything, while all God does is claim that he created things that already existed in the Universe. Just like men claim the ownership of children that women birthed.

There is no God, prophet, or Messiah that will survive if women refuse to believe. If we walk out they gonna freak out lmaooo. Try it, and get your girlfriends, daughters, and female friends and relatives to try it too. ;)

[starfirette]

Jem Carstairs NSFW alphabet

✯On this blog we are horny for Jem Carstairs | under the circumstances we do not have a face for Jem Carstairs and thus no gifs. My aesthetic driven ocd dictates that I must have a gif for each fic I produce so there’s one of a corset. It might be from vampire diaries but who knows lmao

✯masterlist | 18+ | your shadowhunter surname shall be Nightborn because that’s what I used to call myself in my self insert Shadowhunter stories. | any dresses I listed are at the end, and I got them from Pinterest!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Gentle and soft and loving. Willing to give massages or to help wash you up

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Your hair! He likes to play with it. He also likes your ears. He bites on your ear if he taking you from behind

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

HE GETS SO FLUSTERED WHEN HE CUMS ON YOU. He was apprehensive to cum inside you at first because you both agreed you were not ready for children. So at this stage, he finishes off on your tummy or sometimes your face. He thinks it’s strange that it’s attractive and he does indeed get flustered

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

While courting, you two are sexually active. This is a HUGE secret that only Will knows. The parabatai talk about sex while on patrols, exchanging ideas and asking what girls like.

“Tessa likes when I do it but Y/n might not.”

“Well, I’m not sure…how does it work?”

“It’s about the angle, little Carstairs. Position your bodies like this and then you do it. Get it?”

“Oh. Oh! I do see it! What a wonderful diagram, Will, very realistic.”

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

He is not experienced but you two learn together ❤️

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He enjoys taking you from behind, particularly with his head tucked in the crook of your neck, with your arm cranes back to tug on his hair.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He always has a way of keeping things light. If something doesn’t go quite right he’ll laugh at himself and keep trying!

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He had to ask Will what to do. Will and Gabriel were explaining just how to trim up and then Henry rolled in on his chair, saw the lewd drawing Gabriel was hastily making, and shading in where the hair “ought to be”; Henry just turned right around and wheeled himself out

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

It’s always intimate! As young lovers? Definitely intimate and romantic

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Because it’s not often that you two can have sex (pre marriage) you two get off by writing detailed, dirty letters to one another. Slipping them under the doorway and running off with a childish laugh. He does stroke himself when he reads your letters. He’ll then write a letter back, reading something like:

Miss Nightborn,

I commend you on the accelerating read. I do look forward to the next installment. A live theatre adaption would be a dream come true, but I suggest that there be one audience member, lest our reputations become subject to societal gossip.

Your always, Jem

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

PULL HIS HAIIIIIIIIR. He has a massive praise kink, both giving and receiving. Low key breeding once you two are married and ready for children.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

His bedroom because he feels safe and comfy there. He’s a dork.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Well he’s always horny because he’s a 20 year old man that constantly hunts down demons and snorts yin fen. So. He’s got a high sex drive and it just gets worse around holidays. When the Institute has Christmas parties or celebration balls, you always wear a lovely ball gown with your hair up in curls and bejeweled pins. Jem just doesn’t stop thinking about ravishing you in your Christmas dress. Jessamine says your Christmas dress is outdated, and not what mundie society deems “appropriate” anymore, but you wear it anyways. Jem loves the thought of gathering your skirts to your hips, so your practically hidden in the fabric, and taking you roughly while your legs, in their stockings, tremble around his waist.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Nothing that’s going to involve other people. He would die of embarrassment if anyone just happened to walk by and hear anything. So no one can see or join in.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He’s so gentle when he eats you out. He is surprisingly good at it. He will fuck your hole with his tongue while slowly rubbing your clit with his thumb. On the other hand he would never ask for a blowjob because he finds that improper. Please please surprise him with one. He gets blushy and flustered, and sorta submissive. It’s sexy as fuckkkk

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

This just depends. While recovering from his illness he sometimes doesn’t have the stamina. However, you surprise him with warm tea and you’ll just sensually ride him while he lays in the bed with rosy cheeks and messy hair.

As he heals up, he does enjoy to (as the kids say) “slam it home”

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

It’s incredibly fun to hide in the library and quickly fool around. When Jem is really desperate he’ll take you to the attic and he’ll thrust into you so quickly, carefully stuffing his handkerchief in your mouth so you don’t make too much noise.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Oooh this is hard.

Probably not. It depends on context. If you want to try something new in private then of course. If it involves being public or seen or heard them it’s a hard no.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Pre Cure, not that long. He often would stop and have to take yin fen. This just upset him and it ruined the mood, but you would stay and cuddle him rub his back when he feels sick. Post cure, my man is applying stamina runes left and right just to keep going after HOURS.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Probably not. He wouldn’t see the need. I don’t even know what sex toys they had in the 1800s/early 1900s.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He’s very giving and generous. He never ever teases in bed, but he does tease you when you’re horny and clingy and dropping hints that you want to sneak off before dinner.

“Y/n, you’re so flushed, dear,” Charlotte would say.

“Indeed, my dove, you look parched,” Jem says innocently. “Are you quite thirsty? And lo! your breath is trembling. Should you be tucked away in bed early?”

You just glare at him while Will laughs into his glass, eventually snorting and spewing wine all over Tessa’s book she was reading as she ate. The GLARE Will got from his wife made everyone shut up.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He definitely moans and whines and whimpers, when he’s feeling more submissive. When he’s more dominant he grunts and moans your name. He’s good at keeping the volume down though.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He’s insanely good with his fingers. He plays the violin HELLO!!!! He will suck your arousal off his long fingers before humming how good you taste.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Probably not too huge but he’s THICC. He has a thick cock and while it’s average sized it feels amazing to get filled up with.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

He’s always horny with all the testosterone. He’s not a wild animal, though! He is perfectly capable of going a couple days without any action and he doesn’t mind it at all.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He’s typically very lethargic. Between training, patrolling, battling his illness/ the withdrawal, he’s already always taking naps during the day. His bursts of energy for sex sometimes feel forced, as if he wants to make up for something he thinks you’re missing. While he can last for a while, he is definitely exhausted afterwards and just wants to hold you and drift to sleep. 

Christmas dress:

#jem carstairs x reader #jem carstairs imagine #jem carstairs #the infernal devices x reader #the infernal devices imagine #the mortal instruments #the mortal instruments x reader #the infernal devices #cassie clare #cassandra clare #the dark artifices x reader #shadowhunters x reader #shadowhunter chronicles x reader #tid x reader #tmi x reader #tda x reader #starfirette writes #smut #18+

[livexdolan]

40 & 70 with gray? :)

40. "Thought I told you to stay by my side, eh?"  & 70. “You know what? Never-mind, you’ll know I’m lying to you anyway.” 

Masterlist

Whenever people found out who your best friend was- you knew they were trying to keep from laughing in your face. If he weren’t standing right next to you when you told people, sometimes they would think you were lying.

You’ve been friends with Grayson Dolan for more than a decade, knowing each other since elementary school. By high school, you drifted apart socially but you still hung out at each other’s houses, played video games, helped him with projects, even decided to go to the same college.

You handled Grayson’s popularity in high school well and he handled your lack of popularity well. All you prayed was college would be different.

It wasn’t.

Grayson decided to join Theta Xi, known to be the biggest pothead frat but also the best partiers. You told Grayson that maybe your friendship wasn’t going to work out, this was the sign. Grayson argued with you and spent weeks proving the frat would never change him.

Three years and a presidency later, he had changed. Yet for some reason, she stayed.

Well, she knew the reason, she’s been in love with him since the first time they kissed. It was on a rock in the forest behind his house, they were 16 and 17 and he had just learned no one had ever kissed her before.

After that, she knew she had to stay in his life even though she wasn’t his type at all and he had never given her any reason to believe he was interested in her as more than a friend.

Now, she’s cursing at the way she always get blindsided when it comes to Grayson. He talks her into the stupidest shit because he asks her in ways that she doesn’t realize what she’s getting into but by the time she finally realizes, it’s too late to back out.

Like right now, leaning against the counter in one of the kitchens. The frat house was split into four quads downstairs and two quads upstairs. Each quad has two bedrooms, a kitchen, and a small living space, which all lead out into the main, large room of the house where the main part of the party is happening.

She could still hear the music thumping beneath her feet, she was upstairs in the ‘off-limits’ quad. It was Grayson, Ethan, Ryan, and Mando’s rooms up here.

Grayson’s the president, E’s vp, Ryan’s in charge of everything grayson doesn’t want to deal with but his official title is treasurer, and Mando’s in charge of all things social media for the frat.

I’m in Ethan and Grayson’s kitchen, the cleanliness not surprising seeing as Ethans girlfriend pretty much lives with them at this point. I always try to clean up Grayson’s room and bathroom when I’m over, the OCD type A freak in me hates seeing his books everywhere, trash cans full of bottles, laundry piled in the corner.

It’s not like that most of the time though, that only happens on his bad weeks. Those are the weeks when he falls into this funk and only talks to me and Ethan. We all give him space because we know why it’s happening, they started right after their dad died.

Mr. Dolan dying was so hard on everyone. My family included. My dad wasn’t a very stand-up guy, and Mr. Dolan always made me feel welcome and was the kind of dad I always imagined my dad to be.

“Thought I told you to stay by my side, eh?" I jump at the deep voice, turning to see Grayson standing in the doorway, looking like an angel committing a sin by looking so hot.

He has on a pair of slacks and a loose, silk shirt, the pattern almost matching Ethans. The theme for the night was Coachella. Even if we were many states away and most of the people here couldn’t afford to even look at Coachella tickets.

I let him talk me into coming, wearing a knit triangle bralette top and off-white shorts Grayson picked out, I just realized my shorts match his pants perfectly.

I quirk my eyebrow at him and cross my arms, “I’m sorry, did I leave you to play beer pong?”

He smiles at me and I want to slap it off his face- or kiss it off- either is fine with me, “I’m sorry, angel. Just come back down and enjoy the rest of the party with me, I won’t ditch you again, I promise.”

Grayson’s always done his hardest to keep ever promise he’s told me, so I push off the counter, my entire hard-ass demeanor falling away and my normal, shy and reserved self takes it’s place. He grabs my hand and I try to ignore the pleasure I get from feeling his warmth on mine.

He pulls me towards the stairs and then we walk down together, me slightly behind him. He abruptly stops and I bump into him, cursing at him but he squeezes my hand, silently telling me to shut up.

I look over in time to see Dylan here, with McKenna. Dylan was my first boyfriend, though we’re only kissed and cuddled, I thought we were serious. Until I found out he had been sleeping with my dorm mate the entire time. That was freshman year, I should be over it. I am over it, but the look Grayson gives me tells me I don’t look as though I’m over it.

“C’mon.” Grayson pushes us through the crowd, keeping us out of the line of sight of my ex.

We duck into one of the quads and I realize too late- it’s the pot quad. The rooms filled with a thick haze, the slight soundproofing making the vibes much more calm and relaxing. There’s only a dozen or so people but I feel much better in here than out there. Even if I don’t smoke.

Someone passes Grayson a blunt and he takes a quick hit, “I feel like I should stay sober to make sure that asshole doesn’t even look at you,” I smile at Grayson’s protectiveness.

“I’m fine. It was a while ago, Gray. I’m over it,” I shrug. Maybe it would’ve hurt more if my heart didn’t belong to someone else.

I make a quick decision and go to take the blunt. Grayson pulls back, the weed out in the air where I can’t reach it, “What do you think you’re doing?”

He raises his brow and I scoff, rolling my eyes, “Give it to me, Grayson. I just want one hit.” He pulls back again when I try to reach out.

He just shakes his head and it feels like his patronizing a child, “this shits strong, angel. You can’t handle it.”

Something about the way he said it sends me back to a memory I forgot ever happened. After Dylan took me out for our five month, we went back to his place and we started making out. I tried to reach for his belt but he pulled away, telling me I wasn’t ready. Couldn’t handle it. That I was too immature and if I wanted it to be great, I should lose a little weight, because skinny girls have the best sex.

I snatch the blunt from Grayson, taking a hit before he can stop me. Fuck men. Fuck all men who think they know what I can and can’t handle. I think I inhaled to much because when I exhale I feel a heavy burn and a dry cough comes up my throat.

Grayson pats my back, “Angel-“

“Don’t.” I push his hand off me. Taking a deep breath, I see Grayson watching me closely. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look it. What is wrong with you tonight?” He asks me and I roll my eyes.

“You know what?” He looks at me expectantly and I sigh, “Never-mind, you’ll know I’m lying to you anyway.”

He grabs my hand and takes me out of the small room, moving us through the crowd to the back porch- a large, glassed in room. There’s only a few people out here.

He grabs my arms, “what’s wrong, y/n? Is it Dylan? I’ll kick him out if you want. ”

I look up into his eyes, the sincerity there surprising me. Grayson’s always been so honest with me. It’s time I’m honest with him. I don’t know if weed works this fast or if it’s the beer I downed earlier but I decide to be honest with him, “No, it’s not Dylan. I wasn’t even that hurt when we broke up. That’s because- I uh- I like you, Gray. I’ve had a crush on you since eleventh grade. I want to be with you. I mean- with you with you. I want to wake up next to you and hold hands and kiss and hug and- I want you to love me as much as I love you.” I rant.

His hands fall off my arms and my eyes well up, knowing the thing I’ve always feared is about to happen. He’s rejecting me. “Y/n I- I care about you. So much. But I- this isn’t a good idea.”

His words break my heart and I keep my gaze on the ground, “Um- okay. Well, I’m gonna- I have to go.” I say, looking up at him and biting my lip to hold back tears.

I turn on my heel and practically run back into the main room, trying to get out of this house as quickly as possible, “Y/n! Come back! Wait!” I hear Grayson’s voice and the tears start to fall, I push through the crowd faster, when someone grabs my arm, stopping me.

“Y/n?” I look up at Dylan, standing with McKenna. His eyebrows furrow when he sees me crying.

“Let me go,” I state, trying to get my arm out of his tight grip.

“What’s wrong? Who-“ he stops when he sees someone behind me, “Of course it was you. You’re such an asshole. What did you do to her?” He demands and I finally get my arm away from him.

Turning to see Grayson with rage in his eyes. He never got over Dylan cheating on me, “I didn’t do anything to her. You’re the piece of shit who cheated on y/n. How dare you come into my house and accuse me of hurting my best friend?” Grayson spits and I grab his arm out of instinct as he lurches forward.

“Gray, stop.” I say, he looks away from Dylan’s smirk to make eye contact with me for only a second before shrugging my hand off him.

“Yeah, Gray. Listen to your girlfriend. Don’t wanna embarrass you in your house, right?” Dylan mocks and I roll my eyes, knowing he’s just trying to rile Grayson up.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” the words are out of his mouth so quick, I don’t even realize what he said at first. I scoff and roll my eyes.

Because this is the time to correct him. You know what, “Fuck you.” I spit at Grayson and push my way out of the small circle forming around us. I make it to the front door when I hear a loud crack, looking back to see Dylan on the ground holding his nose and Grayson looking for me in the crowd.

We make eye contact and I shake my head, knowing this is the end of us. I open the door and slip out, running down the road, passing all the other fraternity houses. I can feel my heart pounding in my ears but I keep pushing myself until I get to my apartment, knowing it’s only a mile or so.

Once I get inside I slide down the door, leaning against it as I realize that happy ever afters are fake. The person you love isn’t always going to love you back. Fuck fairytales.

It’s not like I can hate Grayson- he didn’t know. I can hate him for not chasing me. He probably realized I’m not worth it. Best friends don’t run after each other, right? If he loved me, he wouldn’t have let Dylan get to him. He would’ve grabbed me and made me stay.

Tears fall down my face unrestrained as my heart clenches at the thought of never being friends with Grayson again. We’ve gone through death, high school, years of people trying to pull us apart, and I was able to ruin our friendship with three words.

If it was meant to be, he would’ve fought for me. Figuratively, not physically, seeing as he already punched someone tonight. I drag myself to my room and fell into the blankets, closing my eyes. I pray I will forget this night ever happened.

Next Part...

A/n: For all my people who didn’t get their fairy tale ending ❤️

#grayson dolan #dolan twins #ethan dolan #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan smut #ethan #grayson #grayson dolan imagine #Grayson Dolan smut #concept #grayson dolan concept #my writing #sad concept #sad #blurb #sophs blurbs #g.dolan #grayson x reader #asks #frat!gray

[once-upon-a-oneshot]

Friends with Benefits

Summary: You and Calum are friends with benefits, but what happens when one of you starts to want something more

Genre: Frat!Calum

Warnings: swearing, sexual themes

Word Count: ~900

“Same time tomorrow?” Calum asks as you clumsily climb out of his bed and search around the room for the panties you arrived in.

“Um,” As you reach under the bed, you feel the silk material in a crumbled heap. You pull it out only to realize that these are not the panties you wore here. In fact, they aren’t even yours. “I actually have plans.” You continued, throwing the panties away from you and wiping your hand on your still bare thigh.

“Plans?” Calum’s tone is doubtful, almost even mocking. But you’re too busy scowering the room for your panties to notice.

“Yep.” Deciding to abandon your search for your undergarments, you grab your pants off the foot of the bed and shimmy them on. “So, looks like you’re going old school tomorrow. Just you, yourself, and Miss Righty.” 

The way you grin to yourself as you pull your shirt over your head annoys him. He hates for any one, especially just some girl he hooks up with, to feel that they’ve got anything over him.

“Bold of you to assume you’re the only girl I call when I need to get off.” He pushes, raising an eyebrow at you. Uninterestedly you roll your eyes at him.

“Not only,” you smirk to yourself, “but best.” He’s trying to best you, but you’re not like all the other insecure girls he messes around with. You know what you’ve got, and you know what it’s worth.

“Again,” it was Calum’s turn to smirk at you. “Bold assumption”. Your only response it to roll your eyes as you bend over to pull on your shoes.

“I mean, for the past three weeks you’ve called me, what,” You turn your eyes towards the ceiling and scrunch your face pretending to think. For added measure you use one finger to solve an imaginary equation in the air. “Oh that’s right, every night.”

You won’t back down. But Calum won’t either.

“Yea, and who do you think I’ve called every morning?” Calum smirks triumphantly. You say nothing as you grab your purse and head for the door.

“Good, then call one of them.” You say it and mean it. Just like it was for Calum, to you this arrangement was simply a business transaction. A mutual exchange of sexual favors. Nothing more. 

“See ya.” You call over your shoulder as you finally walk out of the room. Leaving Calum naked and alone in his bed.

*****CALUM’S POV*****

Friday night. Exactly 22 hours since I last got off. I’m not OCD or anything. It’s just that over the years I’ve found that keeping a strict “booty-call” schedule made it easier to keep track of my endeavors. Not to mention it prevents the always awkward “two booty-calls running into each other” situation. If you’ve never experienced one chick leaving your room half naked, while another chick is walking in ready to smash, trust me – you don’t want to go there. However, it did make for some pretty hot hate-sex.

Not that the schedule really mattered much lately. There was really only one time to account for. (Y/N)’s time. Every night for the past couple weeks. 10 o’clock on the dot is her call time. Usually she won’t get here until about midnight, but that works out perfectly for me. The later it is the less likely she’ll be to try and hang out, or some shit, afterwards.

Throwing the weight of my body on the bed, I pull my phone out of my tight jean pocket and call her.

It’s not until she doesn’t answer that I remember about the bullshit “plans” she told me she had.  Whether they are real or not, they’ll just have to wait. Because right now, I need her. Well, my dick does anyway.

I call again. This time the phone rings twice and then goes straight to voicemail.

She sent me to voicemail.

This is probably all just some elaborate scheme to make me think she actually has better things to do than fuck me.

Two can play at that game

I toss my phone on the bed and head towards the bathroom. The sound of my phone vibrating on the bed makes me stop in my tracks. I smile to myself and eagerly make a move for the phone.

Eagerly? Why are you eager?

I blame it on my being horny. I can’t help the way my face falls with disappointment when it’s my friends contact name on my screen instead of hers.

Disappointment?

I must be really, really, horny.

“What?” I bark annoyed. It’s not actually him I’m bothered by, but he’s the one who’s available.

“Dude, where are you?” he’s yelling into the phone, and I can hear loud music blaring in the background.

“My room?” I don’t know what he wants, but if he doesn’t tell me soon this conversation is going to end.

“Oh, I figured you were at that Phi Delta party?”

“Well, I just told you I’m in my room.” I snap. “Why the hell would I be at some frat party?”

I’m far from the type. All those preppy douchebags. Running around with their gelled-hair, short shorts, and flip flops. What real man wears flip-flops other than to the beach? And even that is pushing it.

“Yea but-” the sound of his voice pulls me back to reality from my internal rant. “Your little fuck-buddy’s here so I figured-”

“Who?” I interrupt.

“Uh, you know that one chick. The one you rated best rack!”

“(Y/N)?!” I don’t know why but knowing that she was ignoring my calls, while she was probably running around with some douchey frat guy irritated me.

“Yea! Yea dude her! She looks-” Before he can even finish his sentence, I hang up the phone and grab my keys. I don’t know why I going to the party or what I’ll do when I get there, but right now all I can think about is (Y/N) laying in bed with a douche in flip-flops.

As I finally pull up in front of the huge trashy house, none of the irritation has left my body. Taking long strides, I make my way in the house and navigate through all the drunk teens determined to find (Y/N). I do a quick scan of the living room, the kitchen, the backyard, but she’s nowhere to be seen. With every room I check off the list, my fears of her being locked in one of those bedrooms upstairs with some guy grows.

Just as I’m about to storm up the stairs and kick in every door, I spot her walking through the front door, with a guy following close behind. The type of guy who looks like he wears flip flops. As I watch her grin from ear to ear, I can feel anger rumbling deep in my stomach. Suddenly the house feels hot. Too hot.

My eyes follow them into the kitchen. I count to 10, and I head towards the kitchen too.

“Wooow, hey.” I fake shocked to be running into (Y/N) here.

“Calum.” Her statement sounds more like a question as her eyes go wide.

“Plans huh?” My eyes shift to the tool standing too close to her. I mean come on its burning up in here. Definitely, too hot to be standing that close to someone.

“Yea. Uh Corey this is Calum, Calum this is my friend Corey.” Friend? Her friend Corey? And what I’m? Just Calum? What she should’ve said was ‘Douchebag this is the guy who fucks me better than anyone ever has be-‘

“Nice to meet you man.” Douchebag interrupts my perverse thoughts and reaches out to shake my hand. I don’t want to take it. Who knows where those fingers have been.

Hopefully not in her.

I choke on my own thoughts as my breathe gets caught in my throat. I burst into a fit of coughs and (Y/N) and Douchebag just stare at me like I just grew another head. Douchebag pushes his cup towards me and I take it. As I chug down the beer from his cup, I swear I can taste (Y/N)’s pussy on the rim.

His lips better have not gone anywhere near her.

I can’t stop the thoughts going through my head, or the places my fucked-up imagination keeps taking me, but I know it needs to stop.

I finish off Douchebag’s drink and hand the empty cup back to him. I can feel the alcohol immediately. My muscles ease ever so slightly and I’m starting to function like a normal human being again. I need to regain control of this situation.

“So,” I chose to not even address whatever the hell was going on with me a minute ago. “This is the hot date (Y/N) was all giddy about.” I challenge her.

“You told him this was a date?” Douchebag raises an eyebrow and turns his attention to (Y/N) who’s shooting me daggers with her eyes.

“Well I didn’t use those words exactly.” She says through gritted teeth.

“Damn this is embarrassing,” He continues. I smirk to myself and wait for the show to begin. “Because ... I’ve been telling everyone it was.”

Douche, and I can’t stress this enough, bag.

I can’t help but roll my eyes and scoff, which I play off as another cough.

“You Calum, should take care of that cough, and you Corey, follow me to the beer pong table.” I watch as she grabs his hand and pulls him back towards the living room.

I decide to stay in the kitchen and continue adding alcohol to my system. The liquor burns my throat but for the time being it stops the weird thoughts in my head and helps me think more clearly. I mean obviously I’m not jealous or anything because, why the hell would I be. He’s a douche yea, but not because he’s here with the chick I occasionally fuck. And obviously I’m not irritated with her just because she’s here with a douche. It’s just that I needed to get my dick wet and she ignored my call to be here with said douche. Like he’s somehow more important than me getting off.

I stumble back into the living room and find a spot on the couch. Of course from where I’m sitting I have the perfect view of the beer pong table, and therefore the perfect view and Miss Thing and her new boy toy.

I sit watching them as I down beer after beer. My eyes follow (Y/N) intently as she finally walks away from the table towards the kitchen again. Without thinking, my feet are carrying me to the kitchen right behind her.

“Are you like stalking me now Calum?” she spins on her heels noticing me trailing her.

“Fiesty.” I wink at her. She just rolls her eyes and continues over towards the punch bowl to refill her cup. “I just wanted to tell you how good you look tonight.” I lick my lips while allowing my eyes to rake up and down her body, paying particular attention to her breasts.

“Fuck off.” She rolls her eyes at me while shaking her head. She knows this is a game, and she’s fighting hard not to lose.

“Damn,” I place one hand on her neck tilting her head to the side. “You’re sexy when you’re mad.” I make a move to attach my lips to her neck and she lets me. And I know I’ve won. I suck at the sensitive skin and try to push my body closer to hers. “Let me take you upstairs.” I whisper into her neck.

“See I would,” she speaks but doesn’t move away from me. “But, I have a hot date to get back to.” She finally pulls away from me. “I’m just so giddy about it.” She’s mocking me. She smirks as she brushes past me leaving me and my bulge alone in the kitchen.

One hour, and too many shots later I’m still here. At this stupid frat house with these stupid people. I could’ve just gone home, but something keeps me here. I think it’s my obsession with beating (Y/N). Finally proving to her that she should’ve been in my bed with me tonight. Not here with what’s his face. When the first bit of alcohol entered my system, it helped keep my thoughts from running wild. Now that it’s pulsing through my veins as thick as my blood, the thoughts have returned.

I sit on the stairs, watching as (Y/N) grinds her perfect ass against Corbin, or whatever the hell his name was. It makes me sick. He slides his hands down her hips. He could never navigate her body as well as I do – even if she drew him a map. I’m the one that knows all the right places to touch her. I’m the one who knows all the right buttons to push. My name is the name she calls out while I pound into her.

The alcohol is mixing with my lust and my anger and it’s pushing me.

Douchebag spins (Y/N) around and wraps his hands in her hair.

The way that I do.

He tries to lean in and kiss her, but just before his lips meet hers, I’m pushing him off of her. My mind is confused but my fist are determined. I tackle him to the ground and start beating the shit out of him.

“Calum! CALUM GET OFF OF HIM!” (Y/N)’s voice pulls me off of him when no one else has been able to. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I don’t know how to answer her, because truthfully, I don’t know what I’m doing. I stand there glancing around at all the faces of the small crowd that had formed around us.

“He-You-” I was struggling to find a way to blame them for this. She stands there impatiently waiting for me to speak. Her angered expressions triggers something in me. She thinks she can stand here and face off against me. What does she think? She can intimidate me or something?

“You’re the one who should’ve answered my call!” I bite back at her. “Then I wouldn’t have had to come to this stupid ass party in the first place!”

“Calum get over yourself!” Why can’t she just let me win. Why does she have to be so damn stubborn? My body burns with rage and the faces of all these staring people aren’t making things any better.

“What the hell are you all looking at?!” I yell at the nosy ass bystanders. I probably look like a mad man. Wild hair, sweating, with knuckles busted and bleeding. I look scary enough for the crowd to scurry away in all directions turning their attention to something else.

(Y/N), along with the crowd, turns her back on me.

“Don’t,” I grab her arm and spin her back around to face me. “Turn your back on me!”

“Fuck! Off!” She emphasizes each word never letting any of the anger simmer. She jerks her arm away from me and turns her back on me again. I want to say whatever I need to to keep her from walking away from me. And of all the things I could, and probably should say, the best I can do is:

“That guy isn’t right for you!” The words taste foreign on my lips. I’ve never been one to look of for what was “right” for someone. Especially not some girl. The second the words leave my mouth I want to shove them back down my throat.

Now she’ll think she got me.

Now she’ll think she’s won.

“Right for me? Christ Calum it’s a date, not a fucking proposal!” She’s pissed, but at least she stayed. (Y/N) marches up to get in my face. She’s not done with me yet. “And what the hell do you know about right for me?! We fuck on occasion but that doesn’t mean you KNOW ME!”

She turns around and storms off. This time I let her go.

As I watch her walk away from me, I get this feeling. A feeling in the pit of my stomach. A sinking feeling.

Don’t leave me.

The thought scares me. I’ve never wanted someone to stay before, nor did I ever want to want someone to stay. But as the possibility of her staying faded -- leaving me alone -- I realized how desperately I wanted it. How desperately I needed it. Needed her.

This wasn’t a game. It never was. But as she turned her back on me, I couldn’t help but feel like I had just lost.

#calum hood #calum hood fanfic #calum hood imagine #calum hood preference #calum hood blurb #fratboy!calum #frat!calum #frat boy calum hood #frat calum hood #5sos imagine #5sos blurb #5sos imagines #5sos blurbs #college au #college calum hood #college calum au #college calum #5 seconds of summer imagines #5 seconds of summer blurb #Michael clifford #Michael Clifford imagine #Ashton irwin #Ashton Irwin imagine #Ashton Irwin blurb #Luke hemmings #Luke hemmings imagine #Luke hemmings blurb #5 second of summer au #5sos au

[stuckylibrary]

Group Ask 185

What is a group ask?

Previous Group Asks

AO3 Search Tutorial

Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

glaciatedglades said:

hiya! i'm looking for a shrinkyclinks fic where bucky works in the police force as a new guy and the team (esp. tony) are trying to find out who the mysterious new guy is. i remember a scene where tony has a corkboard with all his ideas on and bucky finds it? then they're all suprised when the tiny rage machine bucky has to bail out is actually his boyfriend. sorry if this is too vague, any ideas?

Anon 1 said:

Please help!!! I've been trying to find this shrunkyclunks fic in which Bucky doesnt know Steve is Captain America, and they've been texting/flirting/kind of dating. And during an attack in New York, Steve couldnt contact Bucky and it's because he was on a subway and a large debris fell on his arm as he was holding a child. The avengers finally save him all the while the others are teasing steve that bucky is his secret boyfriend.

Anon 2 said:

I'm trying to find a fic where both Steve and Bucky are amputees, but one of Steve's legs was amputated. I think he also has a problem with perfectionism, or maybe OCD? It shows itself when he makes cupcakes and they aren't all perfect I think. The title is something about a tattoo I think

Anon 3 said:

I’m looking for this fic where Bucky kidnaps Steve and chains him up naked in a safe house and kinda hurts him but Steve just lets it happen because it’s Bucky. Any ideas?

Anon 4 said:

i can’t seem to find this fic but it’s based off the movie “handsome devil” where Steve ends up rooming with Bucky who is the captain of some sports team in their school? any help would be great, thanks!

Anon 5 said:

Hey! I’m just wondering if you know of a fic where Steve goes back in time and sees younger Bucky, and stays and talks to him for awhile. I’m also pretty sure he mentions that he and future Bucky are engaged. Thanks!

Anon 6 said:

Hi! This was like an endgame fix it. Steve was missing for a while but then he comes back, he's in the hospital for a while and in the end, Carol comes?! Stucky obviously.oh and i think Nat and tony survived

mickey09543 said: (cw:rape/noncon, consent issues)

hi! i asked the old page, oops! I am looking for a specific fic: bucky is seemingly recovered (in therapy, law school) and dating sam and steve, but no one realizes that his idea of consent is all wrong. he does not understand he can say no to sex. he has sex with a girl and boy from law school (boy is abusive) and when steve and sam find out there is Lots of Angst and they feel they have raped him and he feels depressed that he "ruined" things with them. Thanks!!

Anon 7 said:

Hey I’m looking for a slow burn fanfic where Steve is helping Bucky recover from being the Winter Soldier and they move into a big house together. I know that’s not much to go by but j really enjoyed it and have been looking for it forever.

Anon 8 said:

hey im wondering if anyone knows about a fic whereby steve and bucky were married but steve never had time for bucky and they got a divorce because bucky decided he needed to find his happiness and steve tries to win him back? i think it was written by shore_11 but they have since changed username(i think) and I can't seem to find it anymore so im not sure if it was moved to a different username or it was deleted. does anyone know?

noneofusthesame said:

hey there! I'm looking for a fic, and I only remember a few things about it: it was mainly about steve; nobody called him steve tho, the avengers called him cap and (if it's the same fic not 2 different ones) i think the end has steve on a rooftop(?) and the avengers confront him about how what they think of him isn't at all who he is? I'm pretty sure it isn't longer than 30k words. I've tried searching steve & the 21st century and those types but i couldn't find it. Thanks for this blog!!!

Anon 9 said:

Oh my god so I read this fic a while ago and I can’t find it anywhere. It’s pre-catfa; Steve is asleep in his bed that he and bucky share, and Bucky brings home a girl and has sex next to him. It’s on AO3 but I cannot find it to save my life!!!

Anon 10 said:

hey there! I'm looking for this fic in which bucky is kinda dark/morally grey post-winter soldier. its a bit like the murder ballads. i remember that he had a strange friendship with tony and had this e-cig that lit up blue

Anon 11 said:

Hello! I'm looking for a fic that was Shrunkyclunks but still had a badass Bucky with a metal arm. Bucky works in a coffee shop that the Avengers slowly infiltrate trying to find out who's been making Steve so happy lately. But, Steve insists they are friends but it's obvious that to others they are more than pals. It isn't until NY is attacked and Bucky punches an alien that Steve asks him to marry him.

Anon 12 said:

Hi! I've been looking for this fic forever. It was modern bucky/cap steve, I'm pretty sure there was an age difference between them, bucky being pretty young. They lived in the same apartment complex and Bucky would sneak down through one of Steves windows while Steve wasn't home, until Steve caught him and they had some type of relationship? And i remember at the end, Steve went out to give a public speech and he saw Bucky in the crowd so all he did was smile and wave? and then it ended! help!

#group asks

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

#autism #asperger's #adhd #special interests #sensory traits #autistic traits #sorry for how long this is

[infested-tea]

General Mei Headcanons for her birth:

Oh! My favorite girl. I love her so much omg

Happy birthday you tech lesbian! Yeah I’m a simp. This bean is so damn CUTE

I know this is a day late. Hush.

Hap birth Mei!

Remember to drink water and that you are loved!

Enjoy my little angel cakes! Love you!

Mei Hatsume:

This girl is an honorary member of the Dekusquad

She’s totally that one friend who makes you do something you don’t wanna do

She struggled when she was younger with loneliness and not having any friends

She is a dog person. I’m sorry but… pupper

A complete chaotic ace lesbian.

Yes I will throw gay in everything how are you?

She adores documentaries or comedies.

She has ADHD and OCD

Has 100% made a Bakubot just for the Dekusquad to beat up because he’s a dick to their green baby boy.

Deku did not like this

She totally goes all out on her friends. Especially Christmas

Oh my god does she love Christmas

Valentines too

She adores spoiling her friends and s/o with her little gadgets

Because she’s also creatively inclined, I think she whittles as a hobby. Paint too. Though abstract because she enjoys the chaos

She is TOTALLY the one who encourages Aoyama and Shoto in their schemes. Never aids them

Actually has the most common sense other than Tsu

I know surprising

Probably the most innocent out of the group outside of Iida

Sex just isn’t her thing. She finds it pointless outside of a generational sense

She absolutely has a thing for calling her s/o Guinea Pig, rat, mouse, or hamster

Her favorite animals are rodents and dogs

She enjoys hugs since she’s sorta touch starved and very clingy

She loves kaiju movies and any sci-fi

HUGE Star Wars nerd but also Star Trek so she’ll never be able to give an opinion on which is better. They’re both so great!

She is that one friend who isn’t that great of a shoulder to lean on because they don’t really know what to do but always can make you smile. Even a little.

Best ship with her? Her and Mina.

They’re that one couple who are complete chaos and I’m here for it

Absolutely adores cuddles. Please cuddle her. Look at that face. She’s so cute.

Angst wise? Well…

Like I said, she struggled with feelings of loneliness and due to her eccentric nature she never had any. Acquaintances sure. But never really friends.

That changed at UA when she made friends with the Dekusquad and Mina

And she has always unapologetically been herself. She is absolutely not going to be anyone else.

And that’s how it should be

#character headcanons #bnha headcanons #mha headcanons #my hero headcanons #my hero academia #boku no hero headcanons #mei hatsume #im a simp #bnha #mha imagines #general headcanon #lgbt headcanons #mha mei hatsume #bnha mei #boku no hero academia #dekusquad #best girl

[freddieofhearts]

Bye bye, dears (for now!)

I know there have been a lot of rumours and some posts about me leaving, so here I am to set the record straight and say a quick ‘au revoir’. This post is long, and I don’t expect everyone to read the whole thing—if you just want information on how to keep in touch, or about access to my removed fics, scroll to the bottom. ⬇️

*

Why are you leaving?

Firstly, of course I’m not leaving Freddie. This is just an ongoing hiatus from the social side of fandom, because while I have some incredible friends here, who have done all they can to support me and have made this experience wonderful in lots of ways—it’s also true that the social space has become more and more toxic for me.

I get a wild amount of hate. Despite never having my ask box enabled on here, people create new accounts just to message me and tell me all the problems in this fandom are my fault, that I’m faking being sick, that I should kill myself, that I’m fat, etc. I also very regularly get hateful comments on AO3.

Obviously I realise that I’m not the only one who receives these cruel attacks, but it’s become increasingly hard to handle them—especially as some people (‘real’ accounts, not faceless anons) do continue to blame me for wider problems in the fandom. It makes me feel consistently sad, anxious, and paranoid, so that I can’t focus on anything Queen-related that I enjoy.

More pressingly, it’s affected my mental health, which is—imperfect at the best of times. As I’ve occasionally alluded to in older posts on this blog, I have a history of anorexia, OCD, PTSD, and some other overlapping issues. Most people who know me in the fandom are also aware that I’m ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’ to Covid-19, significantly immunocompromised, and have been isolating at home for eleven months.

The combination of all of these things + the constant toxic messages has really been triggering me, and leading to an uptick in disordered behaviours, which my body cannot sustain. Every new instance of hate from an anon—every time there’s another indication of groups in the fandom wanting to ostracise me further—my reaction is deeply self-punitive and unhealthy. Ultimately I need to be out of this environment for, at least, a protracted period. My therapist, my partner and my close friends in the fandom support this decision.

*

So, what went wrong?

In 2019, I expected to be an absolutely tiny blog in the Queen Tumblr landscape. The fandom was already well-established, and I have never worked to ‘build a following’ on here—I think I’ve linked my own fic a maximum of three or four times!—in fact, more or less the opposite. As I mentioned above: ya girl is nutty as a fruitcake. As a result, I often avoid extremely niche things in daily life which cause severe anxiety for me, Relevant examples here: I never look at my timeline. I never intentionally look at my follower number. Yup, it’s strange, I fully admit it, but it’s best for me to go with these things—usually. In Queen fandom, however, this avoidance both of analytic stats and of most direct engagement led to some problems... My followers grew without me realising, and way more people were reading my blog than I was aware of. I was still in a—“Wow, this fandom is very frustrating, and rife with ableism, racism, etc., so how do we fix this???”—mindset, and I wanted to share my opinions, sure! but I also thought I was sharing them with 15-20 like-minded people.

Now, intent is not impact, and I recognise that I was brusque, didn’t phrase things particularly sensitively, and absolutely did hurt some people by criticising the fandom so freely. I still regret this—and I regret just as much the fact that some assholes have used my criticising the fandom on my own blog as implicit justification for attacking authors. I have said on here many times that I don’t condone that behaviour—but I also think there’s some truth in the presumption that these anonymous malcontents felt my critiques somehow ‘permitted’ them to engage in abuse. For the first few months, though, I genuinely had no idea there was a link at all—and so I was initially slow to condemn this abusive behaviour in public, because I was taking it for granted all authors agreed it was shitty. It took someone directly telling me (shoutout to @a-froger-epic) that people had identified a connection between my posts and the anons, before everything fell into place.

I would like to offer my apologies to the fandom at large for not being more quick on the uptake about this, because I feel that had I realised sooner that these people were taking ‘inspiration’ in some way from me, it might have been easier to put a stop to it. It does seem that there is still a lot of confusion about whether I support them and which of their views I agree with. Let’s be 100% clear on this: I do not support the anonymous commenters on AO3. At times there is some, limited overlap between parts of their views and parts of mine, but even that is less than you may think—I often see anonymous comments from so-called ‘Freddie fans’ that I substantially disagree with.

Perhaps even more importantly: I do not support anyone who sends anonymous hate on Tumblr.

*

What’s all this about ‘overlap’ with the anons?

Let’s do a mini-summary of the myths vs. the truth. There are views I hold which are genuinely unpopular in the fandom—but which I own up to completely, and have never tried to hide in any way. I’ve never needed to use anonymous to share my opinions because I’m completely open about them! What people who don’t know me tend to have ‘heard’ about me, though, is usually a drastic distortion of my real opinions.

What people think I think:

- Freddie should never top.

- It’s okay to send anon hate if someone writes Freddie ‘wrong’.

- It’s more important to correct ‘wrong’ portrayals than to respect other writers.

- It’s inherently wrong to be more interested in band pairings than canon pairings.

- Freddie should be overtly written as a r*pe survivor/victim (and not doing this is wrong).

- Freddie should be overtly written as having an eating disorder (and not doing this is wrong).

- Kink fics are wrong.

What I actually think:

- I believe Freddie did have a strongly defined sexual identity with marked preferences, but I don’t think Jim Hutton lied when he said that Freddie topped. I believe Freddie did top, but this isn’t the time or place to get into my thoughts on why/when/how much. I do believe that my analysis of the sources relevant to this subject is as historically accurate as one can reasonably be in matters of sex (where historical accuracy will always be particularly limited and imperfect)—but I don’t think it’s morally wrong to write Freddie as topping more than he probably did.

- I don’t believe there’s only one ‘right’ version of Freddie (all others being ‘wrong’). I do believe it is possible to be more right or less right—but I’m also conscious of the fact that this scale of value is not one by which everyone measures fanfiction. As a result, then, I don’t think that any perceptions surrounding ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ justify sending anonymous, non-constructive criticism, or outright hate.

- I do believe constructive criticism is a good thing. I welcome and appreciate it myself; I have received it on my fics in Queen fandom, and it has made them better. I have been in writing workshops which included very forceful criticisms, and the value of such feedback has been intimately and immediately part of my life as a writer for years. However: in this case, I have accepted that my opinion differs from the general community preference, and so I no longer offer any constructive criticism (outside private beta-reading). I haven’t changed my view, but I’ve changed my practice to align with community norms.

- I do not think any single, individual writer has a personal responsibility to write about Freddie Mercury in any given way. That ranges from including the more distressing topics to which I’ve devoted attention (such as trauma)—to concentrating on ‘canon’ pairings like Jimercury—to, even, focusing on Freddie at all.

“Now, that doesn’t sound like you, @freddieofhearts,” you might be thinking. And I know it doesn’t; I think something I’ve done a poor job of articulating is the difference between how I view each individual fan—namely, as free to shape their creative experience at will, even in ways that I might find distressing or offensive; even in ways that you might find distressing or offensive—and the way I view the Collective. I think people have interpreted some of my critiques of ‘Queen Fandom’ as meaning something like: “You-in-particular, a specific Queen fan, are doing it wrong and should change everything about how you do it; also you don’t really care about Freddie.”

And—that’s not it. What any given fan, as an individual, does, isn’t a problem. And that can be true alongside—concurrently with—a multivalent critique of how the fandom is lacking in representation of Freddie’s life, with all that that (wonderful, deservedly celebrated, but also profoundly traumatic) life entailed. I still hold that view; I still have myriad problems with ‘the fandom’ (structurally, collectively, historically and presently—from the 1990s to the 2020s). Some of what I want to work on (away from the social life of fandom) is expressing those critiques with greater nuance, in ways that can’t be misinterpreted as shading any particular fanfiction author or subgenre of story.

In brief: I haven’t changed my mind, but I think Tumblr is an untenable environment in which to discuss the things I want to analyse, especially as there is an ever-present danger of hurting someone.

*

Can we keep in touch? Where is the fic?

I will drop by this account periodically to check out posts that friends have sent me, so you can always sent me a private message to ask for my contact details on the other app that I’m using now for fandom friends. Multiple Freddie conversations and projects are going on over there, off-Tumblr, with a much ‘gentler’ environment and no bad actors—I personally love it!

All my fic has been downloaded and saved. I don’t want to deal with constant harassment on AO3, but I’m happy to share a copy with anyone who missed it and wants to read/re-read something. I also saved everyone’s lovely comments and thoughtful con-crit, so none of that has been lost or erased.

Thank you to everyone who welcomed me to the fandom, made me think, taught me, shared with me, sent me into fits of the giggles, collaborated with me creatively, and otherwise made this one hell of a ride! Love you all. ❤️

#au revoir my dears #lil gay bby

[hecksupremechips]

Lgbt movies, musicals and shows

Hey y'all so Christmas is coming up and we're bored so I thought I'd compile a list of all the LGBT stuff that I've seen! This list definitely doesn't include everything there is to see, just what I've seen. Hopefully you can look at this and find something you like!

Note: some of these movies/shows I really love, some... not so much. I put how many stars (in my opinion) they get at the end of each title. If you like a movie I don't, good for you. Vise versa. If you want me to go more into depth about a particular movie or show and my opinion on it or possible content warnings, please leave a comment or an ask. I love talking about this stuff so I'd be more than happy to answer questions (as long as they're not weird or inappropriate).

Okay let's go

The following movies are on Netflix

The Half of It- a smart girl befriends a kind jock when he asks her to write love letters for his crush-also her crush. Asian Lesbian protagonist. Five stars

Handsome Devil- a socially awkward boy at an all-boys boarding school that worships rugby is horrified to find that his roommate is a talented rugby player. Gay protagonists. Four stars

Alex Strangelove- a teenage boy and his girlfriend plan to have sex for the first time, but he questions his sexuality when he befriends a gay guy. Gay protagonist. One star

A New York Christmas Wedding- a woman gets to see a version of her life where she gets to marry her childhood best friend. Also it's Christmas. Lesbian/bi protagonist. Four stars

Moonlight- shows the three stages of the protagonist's life: his childhood and his relationship with his father figure, his teens and his relationship with his childhood friend, and his adult life. Gay Black protagonist. Five stars

Saturday Church- a teen questioning their gender forms a familial relationship with trans women after the death of his father. Queer, implied trans Black protagonist

Yes or No- a traditional girl starting college is horrified to find out her roommate is a butch lesbian. Asian lesbian protagonists, background bi girl character. Three stars

Disclosure- a documentary discussing the history of trans representation and its impact on trans people and society. Many trans actors are in it. Five stars

Other People- a man moves back in with his family to help his mother with cancer. Gay protagonist. One star

Freak Show- a new boy at school makes a reputation for himself by dressing in outlandish costumes. Gay protagonist. One star

Straight Up- a man with OCD who identified as gay begins to question his sexuality and forms a complex relationship with a woman. Queer Asian protagonist

These movies are not on Netflix. They might be found elsewhere, but I am unsure

Booksmart- two best friends who spent all of high school making good grades decide to spend the night before graduation partying. Lesbian protagonist. Five stars

But I'm a Cheerleader- a girl is sent to a conversion camp when her friends and family fear she's a lesbian. Note: the camp is treated very jokingly so it's not a terrifying/completely accurate portrayal. Lesbian protagonist, background gay men and lesbian characters. Four stars

Love, Simon- we all know it I assume. A closeted teenage boy befriends another closeted kid at his school and he is threatened to be outed to the whole school. Gay protagonist. Three stars

The Way He Looks- a blind teenage boy dreams to study abroad to prove himself and he begins to catch feelings for the new kid at school. Queer male protagonist. Four stars.

Boy Erased- a memoir telling the story of the time a gay teen spent at conversion therapy. CW: this movie is very dark and definitely do not watch it if you are triggered by sexual assault, suicide, and aggressive homophobia. Gay protagonist. Three stars

The Miseducation of Cameron Post- a lesbian is sent to a conversion camp where she befriends two outcasts who rebel against the Christian ideologies of the camp. CW: this movie does make fun of conversion therapy and has many lighter moments, but it still has dark content like aggressive homophobia and self harm. Lesbian protagonist, background queer and trans characters. Three stars

Hidden Kisses- a new kid faces bullying when a picture of him kissing another guy gets posted online at a party. CW: this movie doesn't seem to be for LGBT people at all. It's a lot of oppression porn. That's the movie. Gay protagonist. One star

GBF- a gay kid gets outed and becomes the "GBF" of the popular girls at school. Gay protagonist. One star

Musicals

Falsettos- a man name Marvin goes through a terrible divorce after being discovered as gay, but he tries to keep his ex, child, and boyfriend all in one family. Gay protagonist, background lesbian characters. Five stars

Fun Home- a musical based on Alison Bechdel's coming out memoir following her life as a college student coming out and her relationship with her secretly gay father. CW: while this musical is very fun and lighthearted, there is suicide, implied pedophilia, and verbal abuse. Lesbian protagonist. Five stars

Spies are Forever- an American spy in the 50-60s struggles to work again after the death of his lover. Gay protagonist. Four stars

Shows

I'll give a description of the show and then of the representation in it

Trinkets- a girl at a new school forms an unlikely friendship with two other girls at a shoplifters anonymous meeting. The main character is a lesbian and forms a relationship with another girl. Lesbian protagonist. Two stars

Special- a man with cerebral palsy lies about his condition to his new coworkers, saying he was in a car accident. Gay protagonist. One star

She-Ra- we know this one mate. A girl from an evil group discovers a sword that can turn her into a powerful princess. There's a large amount of LGBT characters so you won't be disappointed. Five stars

Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts- a girl named Kipo finds herself on the surface surrounded by strange creatures called mutes. One of the characters is a gay black boy and he actually has a coming out scene where he says the word gay. All the main (human) characters are black or mixed as well. Five stars

Pose- a woman named Blanca takes in a homeless gay boy, a trans sex worker, and a former drug dealer to form a family and walk in balls. This show has great representation of trans women of color as well as queer men of color. Five stars

Twelve Forever- a young girl travels to the fictional land known as Endless to escape her fears of growing up. She is shown having crushes on girls and you can possibly also hc her as trans. Four stars

Steven Universe- we also know this one y'all. A half- human half-gem boy named Steven defends his town and the universe with the help of the crystal gems. Many LGBT characters, primarily wlw. Four stars

Never Have I Ever- a teenage girl tries to fix her reputation after the death of her father by becoming more aquatinted with the most popular guy in school. One of her friends has a coming out arc where she realizes she's a lesbian. It also has a very diverse cast and age appropriate actors. Five stars

One Day at a Time- a sitcom about a single Cuban mother and former veteran trying to juggle her family, job, and love life. Her daughter Elena has a coming out arc in the first season and dates a nonbinary character later in the show. Five stars

Queer Eye- a reality TV show about five gay men helping people get their shit together. We know this one. Five stars

That's about all I can think of. If anyone has any additional movies/shows they like, feel free to add! I am always desperate for more representation, specifically trans representation and some bi male rep. Have a gay ass Christmas you funky lil shits 🤡🤡🤡🌈

#this is a ~long post~ #lgbt #lgbtq #gay #lesbian #bisexual #pansexual #trans #asexual #nonbinary

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I need support/advice.

TW: ableism, racism, stalking, abusive relationships, incest, CSA, rape, emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, suicide attempt, transphobia

I don’t know how to feel like with my mom. I’m just so confused.

Because for so often I idealized her and thought she was the best thing ever.

My life has never been what anybody would consider very well. In my childhood, I actually didn’t have much of an opinion about my mom, since she was being abused by my dad the majority of the time he was home. And, even when he wasn’t, she mostly paid more attention to my twin sister, or at least that’s what I think. I have always been considered a daddy’s girl against my own will. Also, my mom seems to almost be in denial that I was also miserably abused by my father like her and my sister. Then again, I haven’t told people that my dad raped me multiple times and tried to sell me to sex work out of fear that nobody will believe me.

My sister’s abuse of me is only acknowledged by my sister. I remember that my mom even encouraged her to hit me with a textbook once because I made a sassy comment about knowing her favorite character would die in a video game. Whenever I try to bring it up, I get told to forgive my sister, something not even my sister wants me to do for her actions back then. This adult lasted until the two of us were sixteen years old and had no choice but to rely on each other. I was also made into a second mother of sorts for my sister, and always had to take care of her needs whenever nobody else could or would. It was exhausting.

When I was eleven, I was also groomed into an abusive relationship with my cousin, and at least my mom tried to put a stop to that even though she doesn’t fully realize that we were romantic before he tried to rape me multiple times and began stalking me (my mom even admits that she is a very naïve person and doesn't like to see the truth). I bring this up because I am being forced to move close by a lot of my abusive relatives by my mother, including my cousin who still wants me (I am 22 by the way and he’s a year older than me). Also, my mom refuses to stop talking about how she thinks it’s okay for cousins to date and marry even though I have told her multiple times it makes me severely uncomfortable since my grandparents almost forced me into marrying my cousin using legal loopholes.

My mom is also very ableist and racist. She continues to use the r slur around me even though I also keep telling her that I’m uncomfortable by it and it legit triggers me because of my severe school trauma. Also, makes a lot of hateful comments about people with Autism, and I have Autism but hide it from her (along with me hiding my OSDD because of her hateful comments towards systems). And she won’t stop talking about the typical racist talking points. Stealing jobs, being inferior, using slurs, etc. And, whenever I try to express my mixed Roma culture, she uses slurs and refuses to understand or listen to me when I tell her what she’s doing is wrong. With her views, I live in absolute terror every day that she’ll find out my true political beliefs, and this has been going on for six years.

My problems keep getting downplayed next to my sister’s, especially since when she tried to commit suicide but luckily didn’t succeed. I keep getting forced to do things and yelled at when I don’t. I keep getting told that I’m a burden and useless because I had to quit my job because of our move and my worsening mental health, then by told sorry later and bombarded with attention. I keep getting told I have to do everything for my sister, and we have a pretty codependent relationship. Also, I have been told for pretty much ever since I was a child that I was a waste of money and my mom especially loves bringing up that she went 10,000 dollars in debt during my middle and high school years to feed me.

I just...she’s the only person in my family that hasn’t been absolutely horrible to me. But now I have more exposure to the real world, people aren’t supposed to act this way. It’s more like my mom was the least bad option. I’m just so confused. Then again, I do have a really bad habit of sticking with abusive people until I finally snap out of it. Even now I feel guilty for telling the truth out of fear of making my mom look bad.

Sorry if this is a little bit too heavy for this blog. I just needed to put this out there somewhere. I don’t know what to do. If things get too bad with the moving situation, I do have a plan with one of my friends to move in with him, but that’s only if things get really bad. Because my family also likes to stalk people that try to leave them, make their lives absolutely horrible, and force them back.

If you want to know, I have OSDD, ADHD, Social Anxiety Disorder, CPTSD, OCD, AFRID, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Autism. I was also forced to stop therapy recently.

--Raven (she/they)

Also, I’m genderfluid and my mom is transphobic but thinks she’s not because she has a trans friend and uses the right pronouns. She, however, forced me to tell my trans friend’s dead name to her and doesn’t accept nonbinary and genderfluid people. Also she really hates pansexual people, and keeps trying to convince me I'm sexually attracted to others even though I'm openly panromantic asexual with her (but not openly genderfluid). And my mom really likes telling me stuff about her sexual habits that I do not need to know (she did this even when I was a kid).

Hi Raven,

I'm so, so sorry you're going through that. That sounds like such a difficult situation to be in and I appreciate your courage and vulnerability sharing that with us.

There's really a lot to unpack there, and a lot of really messed up and difficult things you've experienced. Your pain is valid, your frustration is valid, and your trauma is valid. You should not have had to go through all of that.

Are you able to move in with the friend even if the move doesn't go badly? Are there any support services in your area (you can google "family violence support resources [your location]") that you can access? They may be able to help you find things you need, and if your family tries to stalk you or force you back, they may be able to help you get a restraining order or find ways to hide from them/stop them from being able to find/contact you.

- Mod Allison

#trauma talks #tw ableism #tw stalking #tw abuse #tw CSA #tw SA #tw r #tw incest #tw transphobia #tw suicide #mod allison

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #454

“last thing i remember, i was running for the door  /  i had to find the passage back to the place i was before”

Last thing you bought online? Did you like it? I have no clue. Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)? I don't know. Public transportation isn't a big thing here at all, and even whenever I get my license, my partner needing to get somewhere while I'm needed elsewhere could be problematic. I think it would also depend on why they don't want their license. Like if they had a traumatic wreck, I couldn't blame them. How would you react if your artwork became famous? That'd be fucking amazing. Would you get your nipples pierced? I've briefly considered it. I ultimately wouldn't, though. How many people know your birthday? Without the assistance of Facebook, a few, I guess. My immediate family, Sara, uhhhh... Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in? Yes, and it worked. For the better, though. He had a bad reputation. Have you ever watched a whole hour long infomercial? Ha, yes, this one time with Girt. It was a vacuum infomercial. We were just really bored at my place and... okay, I have no justification for watching that whole thing lmao. What is your current MySpace song? I still remember it was "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Beddingfield lmaooo. What is your favorite kind of meat to put on your sandwich? Ham. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? Sara or Jason, idk. How do you feel about people who make Facebook profiles for their pets? I don't care. Have you ever personally known a pair of conjoined twins? No. What was the most disturbing thing you have ever heard your mother say? Mom and my older sister got in a fight once and Mom yelled that she was a slut. I don't know why, but... it never left me, and I GUARANTEE it never left Ashley (who is not a "slut," by the way). This was when she was a teenager, so it's been many years and I can absolutely promise you Mom regrets it, big time. I don't even have to ask. Is there something in particular you like to look at photos of? What is it? Mark and meerkats, ha ha. Chewy chocolate-chip cookies: like or dislike? Chewy is the way to GO. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to dress only in the opposite sex’s clothing, would you support that? If not, would you leave them? I wouldn't care. I'm pansexual, anyway. Anyone can be attractive to either gender's clothes to me. I think assigning clothes to a specific gender is dumb, anyway. Do you think your grandmother is/was beautiful? I only remember how my maternal grandmother looked, and yeah, she was a pretty lady. Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? Mark, ha ha. I know way too much on a person I've never met. When was the last time you got all dolled up? Not since last October when I did a witchy Halloween shoot with friends. Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) No. Do you have a criminal record? No. Last person you took a nap with? Sara, years ago. Well, unless you count my cat. He always comes running when he hears me getting comfy in bed, ha ha. Does seeing your mother cry automatically make you feel sad as well? Yes, and angry because I want to stop whatever it is making her cry, but I usually can't. Do you think someone likes the same person you like? I have no idea. Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? God no. Have you ever been to craigslist.com? Yes; I've adopted and rehomed pets from there. What about eBay? Mom's bought stuff from there. Have you ever used Nair? Yes, on my legs. It's just as exhausting as shaving with how thick my hair is. Are you medicated? I think I'm on too much medication, personally. I want to try weaning off my OCD prescription, because I haven't had problems in a long time, but my psychiatrist doesn't want to? Which is odd to me because when I came to him, he was stunned by how many different meds I was on. He's concerned that the symptoms will just re-emerge, but like... I've beaten OCD before, for many years. I can do it again. I trust him with my life though, because he saved it, so I just go with what he says, honestly. Do you shape/fill in your eyebrows? No. Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? I've worn Jason's pajama pants before because I found men's pj pants more comfortable, and besides, sometimes I spent the night when I didn't plan to and needed something more comfortable than jeans. Could you make a statement about anything political? Texas' new "heartbeat bill" is fucking bullshit and is going to get so many women killed from DIY abortions. Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate? I don't believe in soulmates, but I do believe I met the person I loved more than I could ever possibly love somebody else again. Do you get the feeling something good will happen in your life soon? Fuck if I know. Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? Yes. Have you been to McDonald’s in the past month? Yes. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? I have. How often do you go bowling? Very, very rarely. I haven't been since I was on a date at the end of 2017, I wanna say??? Or was it '18??? Last time you were in an apartment? Not since Colleen still lived in one and I was visiting her. Have you ever seen a live seahorse? Yeah, in aquariums. Would you like to have your own yacht? I mean I wouldn't say no if you offered it to me for free, but I'm not exactly interested in one. I'd probably just give it to my dad. He'd be on Cloud 9. Winnie the Pooh or Tigger? Pooh! :^) What’s the unhealthiest thing you’ve eaten today? A brownie with caramel drizzle. Mom bought a box of them to split between Ash and her family and us, so I had one. :x Thankfully though she gave more to Ash, because I don't like having treats in the house for my weight's sake, but a little something sweet occasionally keeps you sane when you're trying to lose weight. Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? Ew, no. What is something you’d be happy to receive as a gift, that doesn’t cost a lot? I'd really appreciate something hand-made, like a drawing or something. What kind of music does your significant other/crush like to listen to? He likes mostly the same stuff as me, but also more indie-ish stuff than me. Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were? Jason. His eyes are brown. Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? Supernatural. It's inevitable that I'll sing, ha ha. Do you eat dessert after dinner? Very, very rarely. Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day? No. When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink? I don't go out drinking, but if I was to order a drink right now, I'd go for a sangria. That sounds soooo good rn. What was the last animal that you saw? My cat. Venus is in her hide as I'm answering this, so I can't see her. What was the last thing that you said to one of your siblings? I told Nicole bye when she was leaving the other day. What is the most expensive thing that you’ve purchased that you paid for: My snake. What is your favorite messaging program? Discord, nowadays. Do you eat fast food more than 5 times a week? Yikes, no. Have you ever almost drowned? No. Have you ever learned something shocking about someone through Facebook? It wasn't shocking in a bad way, just very unexpected. One of my friends has been an egg donor twice, I wanna say? What’s the scariest living animal that you’ve petted? I have no clue. Nothing that dangerous. Well wait, I shared the story of holding a tarantula before, and I was still kinda nervous to do so when I did. She was a total sweetie, though. Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for? I actually don't. Other than he got my attention with "lip ring girl," lmao. Do you dread certain days of the week? If yes, what day/s and why? No, because they're all the same to me. If you eat oatmeal, do you have it plain or do you have certain toppings that you like to add to it? I add a bit of sugar. What is the funniest or strangest thing you’ve ever heard somebody say in their sleep? *shrug* Choose one - Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: Milky Way, 100%. Do you use Mozilla Firefox? No, I use Chrome. Who is your favorite person to hug? Sara. Have you ever had to have a mug shot? No. What was the last thing you carried to your room? Water. When was the last time you had a late night phone call? Damn dude, I couldn't possibly tell ya.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''hotel california'' by the eagles

[danyellelovessurveys]

lets get personal.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

When You’re Looking Like That - Westlife

Hysteria - Def Leppard

Beautiful - Flickerstick

Hello My Love - Westlife

For What It’s Worth - Buffalo Springfield (covered by Anti-Flag)

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Michael Rosenbaum - Smallville

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

4: What do you think about most? Too much shit... because I have BAD anxiety.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say? Headed out.

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?  With

7: What’s your strangest talent? Pick up things on the floor with my toes.

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence) Are crazy/ Are a pain in the ass.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you? Yes

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? 2005

11: Do you have any strange phobias? MANY

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose? No

13: What’s your religion? Wiccan

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Chillin Out

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? Behind

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? They aren’t totally a band... but I have to say Westlife... if we are talking proper band, either Def Leppard or Avenged Sevenfold or Flickerstick

17: What was the last lie you told? Anytime I play nice with my dad

18: Do you believe in karma? Yes

19: What does your URL mean? Random Crap nickname.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? Weakness is my emotions, Strength... I have survived this long.

21: Who is your celebrity crush? It is actually a hockey player... Martin Necas of the Carolina Hurricanes

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Does sex in a hotub with other people in the room count??

23: How do you vent your anger?

24: Do you have a collection of anything? All kinds of things.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? Texting/ Messaging

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become? No

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love? Chalkboards/ The Middle

28: What’s your biggest “what if”? What If the last 20 years never happened.

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Sure why not?

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. Table/ Couch

31: Smell the air. What do you smell? Ham

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to? Oh there are so many!

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast? East

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender? Nicky Byrne

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

36: Define Art. Something I just don’t get.

37: Do you believe in luck? Yes

38: What’s the weather like right now? Sunny early evening in the 50s.

39: What time is it? 7:14

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? I don’t drive, though I have been in a couple benders....

41: What was the last book you read? The Secrets of Birthdays

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline? No

43: Do you have any nicknames? Yeah

44: What was the last film you saw? Mom’s on a date with a vampire.

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had? Thyroid Storm, not an injury... (there are plenty of those) but the storm was the worst thing of my life.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly? When I was little

47: Do you have any obsessions right now? Always, I have OCD

48: What’s your sexual orientation? Straight, I like guys.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you? I am sure... but I don’t care

50: Do you believe in magic? Yes

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? Yes

52: What is your astrological sign? Scorpio

53: Do you save money or spend it? Both

54: What’s the last thing you purchased? Coffee Creamer

55: Love or lust? I think one can turn to the other

56: In a relationship? I wish

57: How many relationships have you had? A few

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue? No

59: Where were you yesterday? Home..

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? Yes, my bed jacket

61: Are you wearing socks right now? Yes

62: What’s your favourite animal? Giraffes, Manatees, Kitties

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? Eyes, and a full flirt package

64: Where is your best friend? Not sure where she is

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

66: What is your heritage? 1/4 German 1/4 Dutch 1/2 crap  

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM? Almost asleep

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off? Duh

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? Yes

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? Help that Pup

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? A - They would figure it out, from the look on my face/ B - Live it Up!/ C - Terrified

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love. Love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? Hello My Love & When You’re Looking Like That - Both Westlife

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number? No Clue

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? Trust

77: How can I win your heart? Play Hockey? I don’t know... changes with my moods

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity? Huh?

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? Getting my kitty Binx, even though he can be a pain in the ass.

80: What size shoes do you wear? 8 1/2

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

82: What is your favourite word? Fuck

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. Mom

84: What is a saying you say a lot? Not really a phrase, more like a word... and that is Fuck.

85: What’s the last song you listened to? Roll Me Away - Bob Seger

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours? Blue/ Pink/ Purple.

87: What is your current desktop picture? Ravenclaw wallpaper.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? At this point in time, there is a good chance of that.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on? Wat is  my true worst fear.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do? Scream!

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? The power to make people/ animals live forever

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? HA HA.... Playing with the Serge.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? The loss of my Kitty...

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? Nicky from Westlife.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? In a perfect world,  I would be going to see Westlife perform.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail? I have in the past.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car? Yes.

98: Ever been on a plane? Yes.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say? STAY THE FUCK HOME!

[doongi-yoongi]

Royed dynamic.

Warning very long post. Mentions of sex. I'm very bad a writing so this might be a bit much. I also tried to write this so it made sence but I have just vomited words. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sence.

Right so first I need to make this clear. I prefer royed where roy tops. I know if they where real and in a real relationship they would switch cause in real life most men like both. But it's fiction and I like what I like and ignore what I don't.

So let's start, this is what I imagine their sex life would look like in there relationship / just what I think their relationship looks like in general.

I think most of their sex would be very quick. Because they are very passionate, very expressive with their body's and they are quite impatient when it comes to most things they want. When they want thing they want them now. So most of their sex would be quick and dirty. If it's in the mornings, at Roy's lunch break, between eds meetings. They have little time to appreciate slow sex. But that doesn't stop them though.

I like to think they take one day or more depending how busy they are to go out to a fancy restraint/just eat together. I think in this world of mine roy works late a lot of the time. Ed sometimes too but just not as much as roy. You know roy catching up on paper work. Isn't home until at least 8 ish most nights and not home until later if it's a big case he's working on.

I think they take time to have a night to just them, To take a moment and just feel Each other emotionally and physically. In these times It's not always penetrative sex buts it's always skin-on-skin contact. I feel like ed and roy do a lot of things through action and showing affection is one of them. It can be in the form of massages, naked cuddling, sensual touching, kissing, Its always very slow, in their moments like this. They have very busy fast moving lives so they take this moment to slow things down.

Eds favourite position is when he's riding roy or when roy is doing him hard mainly against a wall. Ed likes to tease roy so when he's on top he's in charge of the speed and how much pressure is going into each pump. And I think ed really likes being manhandled. So being up against a wall shows Roy's strength, Roy's in full control going at ed with all his might. I think ed really likes this side of roy cause he's not this prefect man full of masks. it's just pure passion he is feeling all for ed and this makes ed feel very light headed and very hot inside.

I think one of Roy's favourite position is ed riding him too because roy has a kink were he likes to just pleasure his partners. Sex for him isnt always about his release. He really likes how he can make is partners feel immense pressure so when ed uses Roy's dick how every he wants. Roy just likes to sit back and watch ed do what he wants. This brings roy loads happyness to know how he makes ed feel. Also because ed is beautiful sweaty and ed with his hair down and on top of roy he has a very good view. I think another thing roy loves is when he has very slow sensual sex with ed because roy likes to drag everything they do out. Which makes ed very needie and very vocal, lots of begging and roy loves that. I think ed is normaly very vocal but during slow very teasing sex edward just sounds desperate for roy to do more. If it's move fast, deeper, stronger ed just wants more. And this seeing what roy does to ed give roy the biggest power rush he can feel. I think roy grunt and moans little during most types of sex, there would be a few fuck's and yes's here and there. But I think mainly he breaths very heavily and very vocal on what he thinks about ed / What he's is doing. Like he'll tell ed how pretty he is or how lovely he tastes or how tight he is stuff like that. But the only case I see roy be very vocal is when he has lost control of all sence and just goes all out during sex like all out or what they haven't had sex in a while for what ever case and roy is very horny.

And now power dynamics. Both have very dominant and stubborn personalitys so I don't think there would be one main dominant partner during sex. I think they would always try and one up each other. Like ed flipping over roy or roy pulling eds hair. I think they would always be fighting for control. One would/can give up and just feel during sex but I like to think the fighting is just so them. Fighting for dominance during sex brings them both a different kind of thrill so when one "wins" ( the person dominating while they cum/ the first person to make the other cum) they know they have earned it and the winning is more satisfying. But Obviously this fighting can get tiresome but they can read each other well enough to know what the other wants. Like their relationship is always about the give and take. They try and be as non selfish as they can. Their not perfect but they try.

I think most of there sex there would be a lot of teeth and nails. So after each session of theirs they are always marks. Not necessarily a meaning of possession but more of just a show of passion.

So sleeping. I think ed is a heavy sleeper but moves a lot. He likes his sleep a lot. He still has sleepless nights but most of the time he sleeps like a rock. At the same time though I think ed is still very percpective during sleeping if he feels anything is off he can still wake up easily. (I don't think this ability is caused by his time in the military because al was always there during his sleep time and ed trusts al with his life. But I think during his time traveling or during his time in the other world depening on which universe this is based in, ed has developed this habit of being more aware.) but roy would be a lighter sleeper. Because of his nightmares, being called in to work for any reason, plus he's a very paranoid man, not to mention his time at war and I like to think at madam Christmas bar when he was younger his sister's were mean to him and played a lot of pranks on him, mainly when he was sleeping. So he'd be woken very easily. So he's had this habit of being a light sleeper for very long time. I think during their times of terror both men can be very bad with physical contact. I think at this time they can be their most volatile so they tend to only have small amount of contact when in this state like hand holding while just sitting beside each other until they have collected them self and then they snuggle while the other just talks. I think because in their time of confusion and being over wellmed with feelings that physical contact can make them snap. And with a little bit of contact they can have this little anchor to rail them back to the present with out over wellming them. I think with their nightmares none of them can get back to sleep so they both stay up and just be there together. The talking that happens tends to just be back round noise for the other a sence of comfort after the nightmare.

I also like to think they spend a lot of time just reading together. Mostly in silence spending time just reading or when they feel like they want music. If it's Roy's arm around ed leaning on the couch, Roy's head in eds lap/on his chest, ed sitting inbetween Roy's legs (his favourite positions) they just spend a lot of their time together like this.

One of Roy's favourite thing to do with ed is to dance. I think swaying around the living room, singing and giving ed fandom dips to make him smile and laugh is just the best. Or when ed teaches roy some dances he's learned from his mum or what ed has learnd from traveling. (Ed learns it specifically to teach roy) Or when ed just talk animatedly at roy about anything just brings roy real peace and joy in his life. I do really like the thought that most of their time spent together is just them touching each. Not always sexual. They both know how easy it is for them to lose each other so they try and just appreciate every moment they have together.

Tbh I don't think they have many like big arguments. Like of course they argue but not ones big enough to break up over. I think the biggest back fire to an argument they can have is some broken house peaces and a few nights not sleeping in the same house. They mainly fight over the house being messy. Like books on the floor and where roy can trip over or roy just leaving washing in the around and it annoys ed (even though he's just as bad but at least ed trys and throws them in the washing basket. He always misses. Roy just doesn't try.) I really don't think roy is ocd like I've seen other places I think the army has ingrained to keep it tidy but since living with ed he has just lost the ability to care as much and be a less up tight.

I think maybe the biggest argument they might have can be over something like if ed still keeps a packed suit case under the bed. Or roy won't take of his eye patch. Depends how much angst your in the mood for. But they definitely won't fight over something like roy cheating or if ed loves winry. Like they both know each other well enough not to have arguments over that. They can tell through how devoted they are to each other. They put each other first before them selfs. They love each other and that doesn't come lightly when they say it. They both know how hard it is for the other to say that and when they do it means so much for them both. They both have commitment issues so when they say I love you the other knows they truly knows they mean it.

I think sometimes they might fight over how protective ed is of al. Like roy understands how much they have both been through but ed can take it a bit far and like to threaten any girl alphones takes out on a date but at the second date in. Which definitely scares them off. I think that would be something they can have big fights over a lot. Unless is winry al is dating. Or how roy keeps puting off letting ed and madam christam meet + sisters meet. Or how roy won't be in winrys company for to long. Fighting is a part of there relationship not always bad more just habit and playful banter.

Ed is me. The spanner royed thought running through my head.

Here I haven't really mentioned many of their kink that i think they have and how they deal with that. I have done that for a couple of reasons: I don't want to over load with this post it's very long and I don't think many people are here for that. And there is so much to unpack that I just had to stop.

Okay so I think this is all I have to say for now hope you like it. Thats me done this fucking huge post. Sorry and thank you to all how are still reading. If you have any question or comments to make. Please tell me them I love this pairing but don't have any people to talk to about them. So Id love to hear what yous might have to say if anything.

Peace. Until next time.

#royed #roy x ed #safe royed #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fullmetal alchemist #edward elric #roy mustang #still cant do tags but i try #im going down with this ship #royed is love #royed is life