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obwjam · 3 years

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thoughts on giant matt murdock?

funny you ask... a couple summers ago i actually started writing a little blurb about this that never really came to fruition that i am going to include under the cut ☺️☺️☺️ and i haven’t watched TV marvel in over a year now but:

giant matt would totally be a huge bitch to any tiny he discovered

the tiny would have been doing things seemingly under his nose but matt would sense it every time

soon he would feel the tiny’s fear and soften up

he would be intentionally aloof but he would also leave out food for the tiny. kind of an unspoken friendship

the tiny would just accept this and not question it

matt would hide the fact that he’s daredevil even from the tiny but one day he comes home just absolutely wrecked and the tiny is very scared and concerned

the tiny tries to help the best they can and it doesnt do much but matt is appreciative :)

now enjoy the blurb!

You considered yourself lucky.

You felt bad saying that, too. But most borrowers have to tiptoe around the human they live with, only going out in the wee hours of the morning just to get by. You didn’t have to deal with that. The human you lived with was blind.

It was a borrower’s dream. No need to hide, no need to leave things exactly how you found them. You could stand on the counter with the human while he cooked and take pieces of fresh food right under his nose and he’d never even know! As long as you didn’t make a lot of noise, you were safe.

You had been living here for a while. Your last place was blown to bits. Hell’s Kitchen was not the safest place to be, and you found that out the hard way. But you struck gold wandering into this place. It took a few days to figure out the human was blind, and that was only because you thought he had left for the day but he was actually just in the shower. He looked right at you on the counter but kept walking to his room, completely unaware of your presence. From then on, you… others would say you pushed your luck, but you liked to say you were taking advantage of your situation. You drank hot tea. You ate fresh fruit. You would even climb up onto the couch and listen to the radio with the human. You were bummed you couldn’t watch TV, but you were pretty sure he didn’t even own one. You hung out so closely with the human that sometimes you felt like you were really friends; that you really knew him.

You were out one day, borrowing while the human was lounging around on the couch. You were trying to push something across the counter to make a stepping-stone of sorts to some supplies, but you pushed too hard and the ceramic made an awfully loud screeeeeeeeench across the counter. The human’s head whipped around, his blank eyes staring directly at you. You froze in place, chest heaving, reminding yourself that he couldn’t see you, he couldn’t see you, he couldn’t--

“You’ve really been pushing it lately, you know.”

Your breath hitched and you let a small YIP! escape your lips. Surely he wasn’t actually talking to you. Maybe he was just monologuing to himself. You stepped away from the ceramic and slowly started to tiptoe back to your hole in the wall.

“I’ve stopped myself from saying anything before, but it’s really been getting out of hand, don’t you think?”

It was like your legs forgot how to move. You stood there, a feeling of deep sickness entering your stomach. The human slowly got up and started walking right toward you.

“I mean, I don’t really mind when you listen to the radio with me and stuff like that. But, really, when you start to--”

He stopped just a few feet away. Matt Murdock was now staring directly at you, and while he’d been this close to you before, he never really focused on you all that much. He had heard the tiny heartbeat in his walls since the moment you moved in, but he didn’t think anything of it. He was shocked to learn about the existence of tiny humans, but considering midtown was recently leveled by an alien attack, things like this weren’t all that crazy anymore. You never really did much damage -- he understood that you were just trying to get by.

But now, with his full attention on you, the pace of your heartbeat and the shakiness of your breath scared him. He had never felt such an intense level of fear before. He could hear you breathing so heavily and so rapidly he thought you were going to pass out.

The human began to reach his hand out, and your trance was broken. You took off for the wall, but suddenly you were lying face down on the ground, head throbbing in pain. Something just got in your way.

Matt hummed sympathetically at the way you so helplessly fell down when you hit his hand, but he had to remind himself how rude you were getting. Slowly, he pinched your torso between his fingers and dropped you into his palm.

As soon as you landed on this unfamiliar surface, you tried to find a way off. But he lifted his hand up to eye level, for whatever reason, and jumping was no longer an option. You had to face him. Somehow, his face was painted with wonder, even though he couldn’t see you… or could he?

“H-how-how did you know I was--I was even here? You can’t-- you’re…”

Matt scoffed. “You don’t need sight to see.”

You raised your eyebrow, but the logistics weren’t important to you. All this time… he knew you were here, knew you were borrowing right under his nose… he was pissed. He was definitely pissed.

“P-please… don’t--don’t put me in a jar, I--I promise I won’t-- I’ll never steal from you again! I’ll move away! Please! Just--just don’t hurt me!”

Your fear was so intense that Matt was starting to feel some of it himself. The more intense your shaking became, the more his heartbeat climbed. He almost felt like his entire body was going to rattle with you. And he was starting to sweat… this little guy was absolutely terrified.

“I’m… I won’t hurt you,” Matt said, but he knew his words meant nothing. He wasn’t sure what to expect when he caught you, but he probably should have considered the high likelihood of crippling fear on your end. Matt was used to people being scared of him, but this… this was completely different.

Tears began leaking out of your eyes, and you felt so pathetic. All the times you had walked around right under his nose… he was just pretending not to see you. He knew everything you ever took, everything you ever touched.

“How long were you going to keep taking things from me?” Matt asked out of pure curiosity. He realized after the fact how angry he sounded.

Your words got caught in your throat. “I--I--uh--I mean… as long as I could…” you said that last part so softly that no normal human would have been able to hear you. “B-but I can give you your stuff back! Not the food, obviously, but-but whatever you need, I--I can--”

Matt chuckled. He knew it wasn’t an appropriate response, but he couldn’t help but find the whole situation a bit funny.

“No, no, you don’t have to give my stuff back. I don’t care about missing paper clips and shoe laces,” he said with a laugh.

“Wh… what do you want with me then?”

Matt paused. Honestly, he had caught you because he was pissed. But after getting a sense of you, he didn’t have it in him to keep being nasty.

“I want you to be honest with me. No more taking my food while I’m in the middle of cooking. I can leave some stuff out for you.”

Your jaw was quivering. What were you supposed to say to that?

lol and that’s as far as i ever got

#asks #marvel g/t #g/t #i got really deep into marvel tv for a while but once i started a new job last october i just completely stopped #but now that it doesnt exist anymore i could just finish it worry free lol

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jazajas · 4 years

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okay so i finished love, victor a while ago and i saw some other reviews and thoughts about it here so now i've got a pretty good list on my thoughts and feelings.

tl;dr: it has some issues, yes, but im gonna hold out and hope it gets better later on because the same thing happened with the first few eps, i wasn't that into it but then it got good, and nothing is ever great with the first season, because at that point we're getting used to those characters.

⚠️caution: spoilers ahead (im on mobile, i cant get an under-the-cut)⚠️

1. while a leah on the offbeat movie would have been amazing movie sequel (even tho i havent read the book yet, im just here for the wlw content) i am kind of glad we got this instead. mostly because I've seen book series where one movie was good, so they decide to do the rest, turn out bad (hunger games? divergent? percy jackson? the hobbit?) because so much was cut from the book-to-first movie writing, that other scenes wouldn't make sense to future movies if they had those in while cutting others. however, i am sad that i didn't get to make the choice of deciding whether what was cut was wrong etc. about future movies, but i'll take what i can get.

2. LGBTQ+ POC as a lead! that's amazing! as a ace/bi lantina that's close to home (it also is great that victor's from texas and so is ya gorl) and even then it's a mixed latinx family! i think pilar mentioned that at least the grandmother left Colombia and i saw the Puerto Rican flag in victor's room. also the salazar's are definitely from small town texas, even without knowing the name. (church barbeques, the use of the words "such a diverse city" in regards to atlanta)

3. a lack of actual lgbtq+ main storylines (so far) is kind of sad for a show like this. i was getting serious bi/pan vibes (as a lot of other people) from victor from the beginning, and when it was implied that victor was actually gay (while great, not shaming) as it has been brought to my attention, there was a lot of looking at a lot of straight relationship problems (please let us know more about benji)- edit 6/18: upon further consideration, it very much is a show about questioning your sexuality, I'm speaking about the other straight relationship issues, not mia and Victor's, its just the first season.

4. let us talk about cheating for a sec. never okay, in any circumstance. i feel sorry for mia that she saw victor making out with benji and the fact that he was doing any of that in the first place. victor made a choice to lie about the espresso machine and then kissed benji at the hotel and then when benji was fighting with derek, basically confessed his love and mistakes, then proceeded to makeout with benji after he broke up with derek, he built that grave and now he must lie in it. i get having feelings for a guy when you are in a relationship with a girl, and not accepting yourself enough to end that relationship but you really want it to work so you can be "normal". really, he should have told mia after he got back from the trip tho. i get being in highschool and doing stupid stuff and making dumb decisions, but for a show aimed at teens i think we should also remind said teens to make good choices even if we have to lose some realism within the character choices.

4. pilar and her decisions based off her brother pissed me off. because i honestly think that if she'd kept her mouth shut about what she knew or confronted victor about it in the first place we could have avoided a LOT of mess. did she not learn from snooping around her mother's business about her relationships that going behind a person's back doesnt end well? i did, however, like the pilar/felix friendship and was really kind of hoping that they'd get together during their coffee hangout (although now im glad that didn't happen) because they had a deeper understanding of each other. same with wendy/felix, although they do seem to much alike to work out in the long run but i still feel bad for wendy.

5. i don't know how i feel about lake and andrew, as people separate from each other. both seem to be the way they are from their upbringing (not confirmed why andrew is such an ass, but if his comment about his dad is anything to go by i bet it's got something to do with attention) but andrew seems to be less, idk, superficial? like he turned down mia because he didn't want to be a rebound, he didn't out victor, he actually stood up to early teasing the other dudes in the lockerroom were doing at victor (with teasing of his own obviously but that interaction had him on my nice list until much later). lake? lake. i honestly don't have an opinion of her? not really. i mean after hanging out with pilar i was hoping felix wouldn't go back to lake. is her name laken? i feel like her full name is laken. but they also played the "im only like this because my mom is really superficial about stuff and i do like the geeky nice guy but appearances" to "actually screw the norms im gonna makeout with him infront of the whole student body". i honestly thought she was gonna be bi because she kept hitting on mia when she was helping set up for her "date" and "big night" and there was one point where i saw her face fall at something mia said in relation to her and idk i was hoping she'd be bi (i figured early on that victor/mia wasnt gonna work and was like "oh mia/lake would be cute" but now idk.

6. okay on to the "big night", i have one word. NO. i didn't like the peer pressure into having sex. i agreed with felix when he said "your body your choice" but im also disappointed that victor made out with mia and when lake was talking to felix after victor left he didn't try to stand up for victor.

7. on to age gaps because i hadn't really thought of this at first. we'll start with benji/derek: WHAT GRADE IS BENJI?! because that determines my thoughts. if he's a sophomore that meant that he and Derek started dating benji's freshman year and thats eugh, don't do that, don't care if its a gay couple that shouldn't be happening because the maturity of the two characters is DRASTICALLY different (this is also a reason i am not a fan of cmbyn) but that would explain why they were so rocky. hoping the event at the gay bar was open to anyone not just for drinking, but not liking that fact that not one of the adults with victor were like: hey, this is a 16 year old, that's kind of wack when that dude was hitting on victor. that made me question some stuff. although i figure it might be making up for the lack of a gay bar scene in love, simon. but even then, in svthsa it's a restaurant with a bar that some people go to just to drink at, it wasn't just a bar, simon could be there but should NOT have accepted drinks from college kids, not matter how attractive.

8. i loved how bram and simon and their friends helped victor out though. i like how bram was like: hey i know my friends are a lot so here's a gay basketball league becaue there's no one way to be gay. i like how Simon talked about needing help himself just to help victor and how he said his friends were cool with it because it's a community. i like of justin(?) mentioned how being what his parents wanted was putting on a mask and pretending, not him doing drag. my favorite lines from that ep are: "and before you ask my pronouns are they/them/theirs" "'they're all gay? even that guy? he's like [insert really tall number]' 'yeah. you should see him in heels'" "or in simon's case: really unathletic" "and also because bram said that if i wore [the jean jacket] one more time he'd burn it". also katya was there. and the group hug too!

9. the back hand homophobia in relation to family is sad, but realistic and i sincerely hope his parents are kind enough not to be too harsh on victor because of it. anything they say that isn't positive or supportive of victor is bad but i hope they realize that there is more to him than that and that they can come to terms with it because it's not always that hard to be a part of that community and super religious. i am biromantic and catholic. and while there are some things i wont agree on my mom with, i know that it's more of a strike against God for kicking out gay kids from families than it is to be gay, because those parents were given trust by GOD to love those kids no matter what, and be good parents. so in the end, the parents are wrong and harmful and in the case of christians against jesus's teachings to love everyone.

10. this is fan speculation but dont think simon/bram are going through a rough patch? i honestly think it'd be a little cruel to the characters to have on of their actors be producing but then not have that relationship stay. and while it's not set in stone and obviously things happen in the real world, we have no proof script wise about there being a rift. all we have are bad photoshopped ig photos and scenes where two characters are never standing next to each other probably beccaue schedules never link up correctly for minor characters. who knows, maybe nick robinson was filming for a movie where is does have an even more major role than victor's gay guru in a series about victor so his filming time was around that. im gonna keep hope that things are okay.

11. that being said: we need more mainstream wlw content, because someone said it earlier and it really does seem to be catering to straight girls. i'll admit i did freak out when benji played call me maybe which is something i associated with him and victor but then kissed a guy because who wouldn't? we get that serenade and sweetness and then it'a ripped from us. but i did mellow out. if i flipped later it was because victor was making dumb decisions and i had to give myself a moment of compsure before i continued.

in the end, i'd say that there is a lot of growth this series needs to go through, but i also know that some people just aren't going to like it and i get that. but i also know that sometimes the best of stories have rocky starts, nothing is ever perfect from the beginning. and besides, further seasons are on hold until we figure out this covid thing, which means that you bet they're gonna be looking at our feedback. they saw what we thought before, they can do it again

i really did like it but we need more ACTUAL lgbtq+ relationship stuff from this series and better decisions on what we are teaching the younger generations, as well as what we want to focus on and realism within characters. i'm giving it an 8/10, because there is always room for growth and i really hope we get better things out of this than what we have been given in season 2.

edit: someone mentioned it really seeming like it was meant for Disney+ and i felt that. also to anyone who reaches the tags agter reading ALL OF THIS: i am sorry

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Well look at me having major revelations about my interpersonal relationships and what's fucking me up.

I was thinking last night that maybe I should look at my other old cbt things. Like I dont entirely hate every single aspect of myself, and maybe if I try to look at the things I do like, or at least tolerate, maybe I wont feel so bad. Maybe if I look at the stuff I'm good at or the parts of my body that I'm glad for or whatever. Maybe if I try to tell myself nice things somehow.

Today that morphed into a realisation that I guess is pretty simple and I've kinda been thinking the whole time, but now more clearly solidified. That I dont get told those nice things by other people anymore. Over the past few years of feeling particularly shit, I've always felt I need validation and affection, and I've never been sure if i need a normal amount or if I'm just needy and unrealistic.

I've known I'm touch starved because that eventually becomes a physical feeling for me. Like I have no shape and I'm just growing bigger and bigger and I cant feel the edges of myself, and I need someone to hold me in place and remind me I'm real. All I feel is my fat and i take up the entire room. I have no context for my own size. It fucks up my comfort levels and it fucks with my self image re body dysmorphia.

I think I didnt realise exactly how much I need to just have nice things said to me. Maybe being on here and seeing people reblog stuff about it made me realise. That and something bf said not long ago. He said he was getting a little insecure and I said he could always ask for reassurance if he felt he needed extra, and he basically said that's nice but not helpful as his love language is very much physical touch.

That made something click about what's probably the main reason I get nervous before I go to see him but then I feel fine once I've been there a while. Because the words are missing. I've kind of even thought this before but not even realised I was thinking it, when I was running late and he basically said it's okay take your time, and I thought actually hearing that makes me feel a little better. But it didnt occur to me that maybe actually I need nice words regularly and if I had that I might not feel like that in the first place???

I think I didnt notice it as much before because hb talks a lot. Usually at least. To the point that it gets too much sometimes. So he uses to be where I got my nice words. It works because he can often talk to people on my behalf, and fill in when I'm not feeling talkative. So him backing off was kind of refreshing at first, but it's been so long now and the only times he talks to me it's more like talking at me. He just dumps everything he's thinking and feeling about his own stuff on me and if I can manage to start to say something myself I get something like 'haha yeah life sucks, good luck with that,' and no actual support.

Hb used to be affectionate and say nice things, bf was nice to cuddle up to quietly. Then the pandemic and various other things. I keep feeling unsupported and resentful and not really knowing what to do about it. I got more upset again the other day when I said on my regular social media that I feel shit and need support and got absolute minimal interaction from bf, but two friends messaged me nice things. Even though I know they're dealing with their own stuff.

So I dont really know what to do. Obviously I need to talk to them about it. But 1) I dont think anything will change, and 2) should it even all be on them? What are the odds of having someone who expresses, communicates and understands love and support in exactly the same ways you do? And also meets every other need? It's why I ended up non monogamous. Not just for me - hb really does (or did) talk a lot and it was nice for him to get to go out and talk to other girls when I wanted time to myself. He got to go peacock around and have fun and I'd have an empty house to play music and do what I want, and we could hang out later. So that's without even going into what I got out of having my own freedom.

But that was a couple of years ago. Everything is different now. Now it's so difficult to get the smallest bit of interaction. I dont work and havent for a few years, so I dont even have those interactions. Pandemic fucked it up even more. Now I have one partner who used to talk a lot but doesnt anymore, and one who only did a little to start with because it's not his thing so how can I expect him to suddenly change? I cant.

Should I be looking for something almost queerplatonic? Is there something in the fact that it's always the same couple of friends that end up reaching out eventually? Should I be asking them if they can be my verbal support? Is that just a regular friendship anyway? All my friends are nice but it's not like they shower me with compliments and affection every day.

I mean it's not even that much that I need, just like...some nice things. I dont know. To be able to say if I feel insecure and hear that at least someone doesnt hate me like I hate myself. Be told someone's glad I exist. Or they like to look at me or hear what I have to say or spend time with me. Or they're proud of me. Or they miss me. I so rarely hear those things I struggle to believe it if I ever do because if I dont have it the rest of the time why should it be true now? And now because I've been without it for so long I've become such a pathetic mess I dont know how to fix it. I've long run out of internal reserves but nobody wants to fix a mess like me and nobody should have to.

#self therapy

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jooheongif · 6 years

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it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

#how did i..even end up writing so much im so sorry :-(#and sorry that this is all over the place !!#i hope i didn't go on too much of a tangent :(#ask #theory anon #Anonymous

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aviewfromtheclouds25 · 7 years

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At this point i just feel like the baby wont be making it which is sad and kind of gross of the writers and therell be no twist as such. its just there to keep robron apart while robert gets rid of the whites at this point otherwise its just never mentioned. she doesnt even have a bump shes just wearing floaty tops theres been no scans no feelings from robert/rebecca on becoming first time parents its just weird. But this will also mean the theory will never die so...

The Theory is immortal, anon. :’)

Yeah, I agree. It feels like it’s quite possibly going to go that way, and I’m just…not keen on that idea. Because that is/should be a separate storyline in its own right and I just don’t see that they could do it justice when there has literally been no focus on the baby - or the parents’ feelings towards the baby - at all?? Rebecca and the baby really have only ever been a plot device sadly to drive all of this Robert/White family narrative forward and so, as much as I really don’t want Robert and Aaron (or myself) to be stuck with the constant reminder of Rebecca’s child, I really hope we’re all wrong and this isn’t the way it ends. But it does just seem to be foreshadowed a lot. And I’ve talked about this before, but there is a theme of loss connecting each of the SSW and related storylines - but in particular, the loss of a child. And if I think back to that montage of Ashley’s last episode, which I keep harping on about haha, it does actually make sense with this theme:

Holly, whose death began this whole cycle, and who confided in Jai shortly beforehand that she wanted to settle in the village and have kids

Nell, who has since lost Rosie (also Jai mentioning Archie recently)

Vic and Adam, who soon lost their dreams of having a child

Rebecca, who had just found out she was pregnant…

...passing Ashley’s house…

Where Ashley - whose children were lost to his memory - passed away, and Sandy questioned how a parent is supposed to watch their child die before them…

Add that to the extract Laurel is reading about being kind, helping others etc. and Rebecca’s comment of, “the good always die young” - which each of these characters were - and it does seem quite heavily foreshadowed at times, and potentially plays into the really strong theme of parent-child relationships across the show lately. Plus, hypothetically, it could offer a reason for Rebecca’s random friendships with Victoria and Debbie. Victoria thought she couldn’t have kids, and even though she found out it was Adam who couldn’t, it still means her hopes of having a child at this point in her life have had to end (even if only temporarily, but there is no longer a hope of her ever having Adam's child). Debbie is facing Sarah’s illness and the fact that one day she will lose her. So maybe Rebecca is going to lose her child. And although this wouldn’t provide an explanation from her character perspective because the friendships were still so sudden and suspicious because of them both being related to Robert and Aaron, maybe from the show’s perspective it was an attempt to establish a link between the three of them, different stages of motherhood and potentially this running theme of children? I don’t know, anon, I’ve kind of been convinced for a long time that either Rebecca or the baby - or both - won’t make it. But personally I’d rather she has Ross’s baby, reveals that The Incident never happened (complete with flashbacks please, so we don’t just have to trust her word) and then finally gets on that plane to Ibiza with her child. I doubt that will happen though haha.

But long live The Theory, anon! Long live The Theory.

#this is all assuming the Black Widow Theory isn't rising of course #also I think it looks like she's actually getting a bump in the new spoiler pictures so I guess we'll see if it's actually onscreen #and the whole parents feelings thing could still happen as I always felt it would be nearer to the time anyway #we just still have no clue how this is going to play out really #I realise I've basically rambled about nothing here anon apologies #the realms of neverending theories and overanalysis

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just-perfectly-unperfect · 7 years

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Post Break up life

So I was talking to my friend today and we have come to the general consensus that, it isn't the breakup itself that is bad, it's all the stuff that happens afterwards that really break the "frienship" between two ex lovers. There is always a lover who seems more over the relationship than the other. Leaving one person with hope while the other has moved on. The complications begin when you try to be "friends" after this break up. I personally think you need some time, while others feel they can be "friends" right away.

Now we came to the general consensus that this is a complicated post lover relationship because "friendship" means different things to different people. For some it's just someone you check in with now and again and open up to about personal details of your life. But how does this work post breakup? For some, you know the fine details of this person and you wanna be there for them, but how can you be there without getting too emotionally involved. We all know staying emotionally involved with an ex lover is never a good idea because it hinders you from moving on. The love is clearly still there, and you can't erase what ever history you have. So how can one be friends with so much lover history? Most would say it can't be done. For those brave enough to try, I would just like to warn you ahead of time that it won't be easy.

Complications will occur. For me personally it became hard when I found out my ex lover was screwing other people. Now we all know post breakup sex is usually a rebound. But in my particular case, the casual sex person was being showcased all over social media. Ouch right? Now I had unfollowed my ex lover from all forms of social media, but here and again eyes would wander, as they do. The first time was a blow right in the heart. I felt sick, didn't eat for days. I avoided social media for a while. Second time was through a mutual friends snapchat. Damn you Snap! And I saw them together there (won't go into details of what I saw, just know it was just hard to watch). Eventually I spoke to my ex lover about it all and how it made me feel. Here is where the hole gets deeper.

My ex lovers argument for what I saw was that he was not in a serious relationship with anyone, just casually dating. And he is within his rights to post what ever he wants on social media which is all very true. At this point all my dudes reading this are like "hell yeah he right!" And yes you are right fellas, he is in all layman's terms within his rights to do what ever he wants. Amen to freedom and liberty. My counter discussion would be, although we are completely in our rights to post and do what ever we want post breakup, is it right? I will also add that if this was a clean breakup, than it wouldn't matter. But remember folks, we are still "trying to be friends".

So can it work? In my case, it just got feelings hurt. I felt betrayed, hurt, and disrespected. It felt like the two years we shared were all a sham. That he could create the life we had with anyone, that it didn't matter that it was me in particular. Mind you the time gap between breakup and new hook up wasn't very long. So I think this also caused my feelings to get hurt. How quickly he could move on. But as I said, everyone is different post breakup and we will never really know what he was going through emotionally.

Back to the friendship part. Through out all of this, we would still text occasionally, so that really complicated matters. Feelings are a tricky thing. You think you can handle it, but reality sets in real quick. I thought I could be his friend, but how can I be friends with the man that I love while he is fucking other people. Serious or not, to me it just seemed wrong to keep communication open. Now I know some of y'all are like "well why didn't you say anything or just stop talking to him duh." Well I did, we spoke and I was very clear about how I felt. Again the discussion ended the same, we over so all can do as they please. But this conversation changed the vibe a little. He was more clear on the fact that he didn't see it happening cause life took us in different directions (side note: we ended cause I moved halfway across the country for a while). After that conversation, the little hope I had left for us died.

Dawn of a new day. Things started to change, I was able to move on little by little. Worked on my career and new project so I was feeling good. Every once in a while we would message but not as often and definitely not with the same intent as before. He told me to move on, so I really started to. Recent occurance though brought me to write this. Recently he sent me a picture of something, saying that it reminded him of me. What I later come to find out is that he sent me that picture while he was hanging out with the fuck buddy. Now serious relationship or not, I just don't feel comfortable with that. It's wierd, I think he has changed a lot this past year, some for the better and some for...I dunno, just something I'm not use to seeing in him. It's made me realize that the person that I fell in love with, the person who I shared those two wonderful years with, might not be around anymore or at least has a different set of morals that I'm just not use to. As much as it breaks my heart to say. I think I will always love him. He was the great love of my life. But time changes all.

So friendship wise, I don't think I can be friends with him. I say this because I know him very well, and if I would have done some of the things he has done I am most certainly positive he would have lost his shit and called me out on all of it. If I was posting up picture with someone he would have probably called me unspeakable terms and would have never spoke to me again. Specially if I had ever sent him something saying that it reminded me of him, and then he find out that I was with my fuck buddy when I sent it. All hell would have broken loose. But I would never do that to him, I love him too much to ever put him through that. Oh and don't get me wrong. I'm a mess of a person myself. I'm all fucked up in the head (aren't we all? Lol) I just try to be considerate of others feelings (blessing and a curse).

Conclusion: don't be friends with your ex. Have a clean break and allow yourself to heal. No matter how bad it hurts, fight through the pain. Because if you do try to be friends right away, you might end up never wanting to speak again. I don't think you want that. Side conclusion: both parties should try to be considerate of the others feelings. We can be all high and mighty and say we can do what we want. But it doesnt make it right and if you really loved that person, be considerate because social media is a nasty thing. And pictures can say a thousand words. Might not be the right words or true story, but they do talk. So be wary.

Happy Healing y'all! ❤

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thelonelydiaries-blog1 · 7 years

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So here’s what’s up.

Today, I lost a friend.

She didn’t die. We just stopped being friends. And it’s been a long time coming so don’t be too surprised.. That’s kind of why I made this blog.

I actually wanted to start this a while back when I started feeling this way. I wanted to document my loneliness as a way to cope with it. I feel that I’m always lacking someone to talk to. And maybe this is a wake up call- losing this friend. Reminding me that I’m not a great person. That’s something you always know but don’t really admit until it’s too late.

I’ve had two friends, two best friends, for about four years now. The one that I lost- it’s been five years. We’ve known each other since middle school and haven’t been separated since. Naturally, given my personality, I don’t tell people how I feel in the moment. Partly because I just have bad in-the-moment judgement of what I should say to ease the situation and say my opinion calmly without seeming like a bitch, but mostly because I’m scared of losing people. So I bottle it up until I can’t take it, then I seem even more like a bitch because I usually don’t freak out and when I do, it seems excessive.

You know, they’re always telling you to “be yourself” and tell people how you feel. That’s not reality.. At least not for me. I know, it’s bad habits and my inability to be truthful and honest in relationships but I just can’t stop blaming other people for not considering the way I feel.

Well, this blog is mostly for myself, I guess. But if you’re reading, that’s fine too. This is not a great time for doing this either, I have two assignments due in two days, one of which I haven’t even started. And that’s essentially where the story begins.

The first of these assignments is a group one in which I’m in a group with said lost friend. Three to a group, we had to film and edit videos pertaining to Hamlet. I edited hers, since you claims to not know how to edit.. Whatever. Then today she said she wanted to see it and it’s Friday so there was no way to get it to her before Monday (when it’s due). Basically the only way for me to get it to her was to go home and get my laptop and bring it to her workplace when she was on break. (I work at the same place, just a detail).

So I told her to call her on her break. She never called.

I don’t know if any of you guys do this but whenever I have any plans with anything, I put off what I’m about to do until after the plan. Whether it be relaxing, cleaning, homework, I just hate when plans interrupt things. So when I went home I decided not to film the second portion of my project because I didn’t want to have to pause my progress in order to go show her this video.

8:20 comes and I text her to remind her to call me so she can see the text when she enters her break. Less than a second later comes a text saying she forgot. Keep in mind, I’m doing her the favour. “So I’m not gonna see it until Monday?” she said in a sad voice, pressuring me to promise her the favour. And now, she forgot?

You couldn’t even set an alarm on your phone to remind you to call me? You just forget? Why the fuck not.

So here’s the conversation after that:

Me: Next time set an alarm or something to remind you to call me if you wanted to see it. I sat here waiting for you to call me just so I could come show you and you forget. I wanted to film my analysis but i didn't want to bc i wouldn't want to leave in the middle of it so I put it off. Please be more considerate next time.

Her: It would also be nice of you to understand that I was beyond tired today and I couldn't even see straight in front of me at work. I've been up the past few nights doing politics work. The thing is, it shouldn't matter bc you needed to get a hard drive and all anyway. But I guess you don't need that anymore. I was going to suggest you could bring your laptop or USB and I could drop by tmrw on your break, bc I felt bad. Instead of waiting for me you could have managed your time more effectively and done your who's there project. Please try to understand that there are other things going on in my life next time. And also, it's 100% not my fault that from the time you left school, to the time I got my break, you didn't find time to film your 5 minutes analysis.

Me: You're inconsiderate bc every time you do this where you don't even care how long I have to wait. Every time you say "honey bee hives" then I wait around for you just so you can cancel and I can starve !! It doesn't matter if i had to film 5 minutes or 5 hours because the bottom line is that every time you ’plan’ something with me, I actually think it’s a plan so I don’t bother doing other things yet bc I know it will get interrupted. Everyone is tired and I'm so sorry that you couldn't see straight but that doesn't mean you get to waste my time. I didn't have to say I would come but I did bc you were all like "so I'm not gonna be able to see it?" I took time out of my life just so you could see your scene (which I happily edited) when I even changed my shift in order to get time to do homework so don’t tell me I don’t know how to manage my time. Don’t tell me I need to “understand there are other things going on” in your life because you're the one that has to understand that. It’s not fair to me because you’ve been flaking like this for years and once or twice is okay but when its happened so many times I stop having sympathy. Sorry that I can’t be sorry.

Her: I can't apologize for flaking bc I don't flake bc I don't want to hang out with you. I would just tell you that I don't want to hang out with you. When I don't want to go to honey bee hives it's bc it's after my Friday shift, after a 18 hour day and a full time week. You not understanding that I'm tired or I have other things to do is literally the biggest problem in our relationship, and yours and rias. Time after time you blame others for not wanting to hang out when it's nobody's fault in reality. It's always "my sister sucks, R is a bitvh" with you. I can't speak for your sister or r, so I'll speak for myself. You think I'm a flake bc I don't hang out at night especially, even though I try so hard to uphold our plans. I shouldn't need to apologize repeatedly bc you should have that level of understanding by now. It's so disappointing that after 5 years you don't understand that my mother doesn't want me to go out at night, or spend crazy amounts of time out of the house. It's not called flaking, it's called life. I'm sorry you had to edit my video. I didn't want you to either bc I knew somehow it would be thrown in my face. What you don't seem to understand is that we have very different lives. But if you don't get it by now, you never will. It's sad, really, to think we've been "good friends" for years when all you want to do together is talk shit about other people. I can't have sympathy for your time, bc you have three courses a day, one of which is challenging, which you do not put 100% effort into. Don't talk to me about changing your shift, bc you've had weeks to do this assignment. Ain't nobody trying to waste your time bc you do it quite well on your own.

Me: Well great. thanks for letting me know. Let's just not talk anymore. Anything else you have to say please say it now bc I don't think you want to be my friend anymore either. See you whenever. Any money I owe you? just bc im angry, doesnt mean Im not going to take what you said in consideration. Hope you can do the same bc you need to work on shit too

Her: Thank you for telling me what you feel. I hope you honestly reflect on what I said, bc it's something that gets between all of your relationships. Your inability to tell people what you feel and talk it out is often what destroys your friendships. I think we've grown apart, and I will always have respect for you, and hope you will for me too. I want to be mature about this, and I'm sure you do too.

So yeah, that’s how it went. And now I lost a friend.

And live update! Just lost the other friend too. That’ll be another day’s explanation.

TheLonelyDiaries.

#sad #losingfriends #nofriends #lonely #storytime

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she-rules-her-own-world · 5 years

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Dear Andrew,

Thank you. Thank you so much, for all that you have done in the last couple months. You have no idea how much just being around you means to me.

Thank you for letting me travel with you this week, for flying me home when we get to Texas. Thank you for agreeing to let me go, despite not wanting me to be alone with my thoughts on that plane. Its gonna be hard, flying by myself, but thank you for helping me to grow as a human.

Thank you for just being a calming presence. For being somebody who keeps me grounded, I know i do the same for you, but thank you.

You are an amazing person, and im glad you took a small chance on me when i first spent the night at your place, because i was having roommate issues. Its crazy how much happens in just a few months. or well even the span of just a year.

Its crazy how close we have grown in about 12 months. I didnt start talking to you until numerical and our friendship blossomed from there.

It feels as if i have known you for years and not just a couple months.

I appreciate you so very much and its going to suck without you here, but i know that i will still be talking to you nearly everyday.

Why do you have to leave? I mean i know but i like you being here, i like chilling at your house. I like being around you.

I love you so so so much. I am so grateful that you came into my life. You were a saving grace so many times this summer. I was in such a bad place and you were there to help remind me that there are better things. Yeah you liked me and felt bad about that and tried stopping messaging me so much, but you couldn’t. I was always on your mind. You were always on my mind too, you still are. I think about you so much, like what are you thinking, what are you doing.

What are you going to do when im gone? Over thanksgiving, you didnt initiate, are you going to continue doing that or are you going to initiate? Are you going to try to slip back into your old holding pattern with her?

How has your relationship changed since i came into your life in the way i did? Are you going to try to change it? Idk if i will tell any future boys about you. Idk who they would be, but idk if i could tell them about you... i feel like it would break trusts that i know i cant break

Are you still able to marry her? Knowing what you know now about this? About your thoughts? about the fog of december?

This got a lot farther than when it went down with me... idk if i would be able to follow through with that promise because of my own broken promises and trusts. I know you know yourself better than i know myself, but i wouldnt be sure if i could trust myself enough to not go down that path again.. I didnt think that i would be on this path again. I trusted myself when i was with sir formal that nothing would happen again. Even if i have an inkling of attraction i would put it in a box and crush it. but that didnt happen with you. You tried that and it fought against you. If anything it came back with some kind of vengeance.

I hope i will be able to trust myself not to break another’s trust in me again. I broke a persons trust who doesnt even know me. The things i have done with you. idk.

Thank you, still i am sad that you are leaving, but my life has been better since being with you and staying with you and just getting to know you. It surprises me still how much i dont know about you, while knowing the world about you.

Thank you. I love you.

and now for a list of songs that are “our songs” or songs that remind me of us ( i omitted some songs, but here is my list, i know you have different songs that immediately remind you of me )

Good Old Days Macklemore and Ke$ha

Temporary Bliss The Cab

Rewrite the Stars Zac Efron and Zendaya

Can’t help it Anarbor

Something Just Like This The Chainsmokers and Coldplay

broken lovelytheband

Like I’m Gonna Lose You Meghan Trainor and John Legend

Rather Be Clean Bandit and Jess Glynne

Can’t fight this feeling REO Speedwagon

Just a kiss Lady Antebellum

I got the boy Jana Kramer

Happier Marshmello and Bastille

Bless the Broken Road Rascal Flatts

What hurts the most Rascal Flatts (debatable but kinda applies)

Dirty Little Secret The All-American Rejects

Addicted Saving Abel

The Great Escape Boys like Girls

Not Meant to Be Theory of a Deadman (also debatable)

#songs #playlist #playlist of memories #i wont forget you #please dont forget me #keep me in your memory #love you #AR #NG #never enough #rewrite fate #rewrite the stars #so tired #so stressed #please help me #<3

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treveesamoe-blog · 6 years

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august 20th 2018

i got back from hawaii this morning. alot has happeneed since my last entry and a lot is soon to be happened. in two days exactly because thats when i move into my apartment and start my sophomore year at lmu. i honestly cant remember what it was like to be in college or go to school. i always say and think this but i feel so different now. i feel like im just in the passenger seat of life letting it take me wherever it feels. i feel like there isnt control and ive given up trying to harnass it the way i envision it. im tired. im bleh. i dont allow myself to be sad or mad or happy or anything. id say most of my present is dedicated to anxiety. for a month now on and off ive had this awful wobbly like im on a boat feeling. imm convinced it has something to do with my inner ear. but i also just think its a perfect storm too. i have too much sodium in my diet (my world famous top ramen really did that), i dont eat enough protein or enough in general, im detoxing my body from 2 years of weed abuse plus adderall plus nicotine plus coke. and i was surfing in rough waves and driving to high elevations and back down to sea level and then back up and then down and then through curvy roads on the road to hana. and i start school in a few days and im nervous about what its gonna be this year. at the same time im kinda just like well summer is gonna end and its all gonna be over soon no matter my feelings so why not just let this wave take me wherever. im not sure if this is a healthy mindset. i just wanna live in the present. like in SKAM when isak says “life is now”. life is in this moment that im writing this entry. life is in the now. and im determined to keep myself in the now not floating to the darkest or most nostalgic parts of my past or the fears or expecations of my future. im just gonna enjoy what is around me now. whenever now is. thats my goal.

i picked up my “HEAT” bomber jacket from grandma today and we ended up looking through her moms and grandma’s memory boxes. hard to put into words how meaningful that was. family really is everything. i love my grandma and ive realized she deserves to be protected from my demons, even if i dont always see them that way. see look im actually honest in these entries lol. i have such a rough choice ahead of me telling her and my dad. i just want to enjoy how it is now before i taint it with who i was born to love. i choose my grandma over unhealthy worldy desires. i want to make her proud. and that means not settling, but finding my guy. someone im proud of and that lifts me up. hes out there and i know hes fun and cute and happy and i know hes waiting for me too. i trust the universe will bring me to him when the time is right and the stars align haha. for now im just gonna focus on my health and school. love can come find me. and i know it will not when im waiting for my life to begin but when im running with it.

in other universe news, i prayed that the universe would put a boy in my life and it HAPPENED lmaoo. honestly doesnt even seem real that it happened but it really did. so this guy chris that i met on tinder (lol i know tinder gross stupid dum whatever but hey, it put him on my radar and im not complaining). anyways he was at the same resort town as me in maui this past week with all his friends! how crazy is that! hes the one guy thats been on my mind for a while now and we both end up in hawaii right next to eachother at the same time?? thats freaky universe stuff right there idc. hes going to lmu next year which im excited about but not too excited lol we know what happened with instagram matt last year when i got too hyped. so im just keeping this one as a friend.he even called it a “perfect start to a magical friendship” lmaooo. ok but the tea is that ive been saying to katherine that i wanna be friends with him at lmu. so at least were on the same page about (even though he beat me to it the little bitch haha). it was fun though hanging out with him. i mean it took me getting caught sneaking out and getting yelled at and having my sister and my mom guard the door at night and curfews but hey i got to spend a few hours with him and it was so easy. hes cute too. not that great of a nose but i actually dont even care. great eyes. and hes funny. i just feel like its always awkward with guys like occidental matt where i can barely stand the awkward tension between us. occidental matt is perfect for me looks wise but when i take that away im annoyed by him haha. he isnt funny (or at least my kind of funny.. which by the way is hilarious like if u dont think im funny then ur stupid sorry) and hes boooorriiingggg. and possesive. and moody. blah blah blah i dont need that in my life. i want someone im excited to see. it sucks though cuz im really just not talking to anyone rn. i realized that i just go from one “online boyfriend” to the next because im nervous to not be talking to someone. but thats so weakkk like thats not how i need to live. im choosing to live my own life and love my own self and take care of my self before searching the fake internent for my soul mate. this years about me. about what i can do without drugs and in good health. im determined, and im ready. hahaha okdramatic im always ending these like this. OH WAIT. scatterbrain alert bitch i didnt even finish what happened with chris and his friends. ok so i met him in the lobby and we hugged. we immediatly started talking wiht no awkwardness. he did stumble on his words though at first. i thought it was cute. then we went upand i said hi to his friends and we made cookies with the oreos in the middle and listened to mama mia (gayyyy) and took fireball shots and i drank BEER LOL. then we took the beers on the beach and i bummed a cigarrete off of some rich drunk white ladies. chris said i was smooth. i felt powerful with him,like my full smooth self. likei was light on my feet or something. then we sat at a bench and the softest orange cat walked over to me from far away and let me pet her. ok dont laugh but i really think that was the universe that sent that cat to remind me thats what brought me to that moment. it was like a hello. i just got the chills thinking about that haha im so dramaticcc. then this blonde drunk girl came up to us and we immediatly connected on a spiritual level. she gave me her purple and white lei and she talked about how she couldnt handle her family anymore,but she loves them. then my mom had to pick me up and i said bye to everyone. i guess she smoked chris and his friends out later that night which is so chill haha if only i still smoked weed. i cant beleive that was my life for more than a year. so weird. stoner trevor what a phaseee.

well thats all i got tonight. this was such a scatterbrained shit post but now at least i dont have to worry about forgetting any of this. goodnight future trevor.

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

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