#i always had that in at least one aspect of my life but rn its like my family + my online friends and my irl friends like wow | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

The KCSC sent more than 20K requests to delete posts related to prostitution and porn to Tumblr from January to June 2017.

#i always had that in at least one aspect of my life but rn its like my family + my online friends and my irl friends like wow

shoezuki · 1 year

Text

writing my final essay on the Beat Generation rn and that whole literary movement in america. and my essay topic is basically me arguing that bob kaufman Fucks and was the best beat. because tbh he was

but this also like. contains a lot of my distaste for the beat movement and that this course has really made me more.... like. i dont really like the beat movement much? i mean the biggest aspect of it, of the idea of freedom and no responsibility or consequences is somethin i dont like. most the other shit, bout sexual freedom and movement and anticapitalist n antimaterialist notions are all good. but the beats are just so inherently American. the underlying idea of freedom is SO inherently american in terms of like... the idea of it. its so very 'i can do whatever i want, whenever i want, and i dont care if it hurts other people because i value my freedom over the consequences or responsibilities i would be expected to assume.' its this idea of freedom in terms of absolute individuality and its far too self absorbed for me.

but another Issue i take w it was like. the movement was heavily inspired by black culture, and all about defying social norms and rejecting conformity. but there was still a major issue with norms in the movement itself or at least in terms of how media perceived it. like yes it was about liberty and freedom but also all the most well known beat writers are white dudes. many of them like kerouac held views of women as inherently lesser still.

and like. in that regard most of the most known beats who are like. THE beat writers. were kinda hypocrites. like kerouac didnt think women could write and when he met one woman who was a good writers he saw her as an exception. and with burroughs he was like, from an extremely wealthy family and was given an 'allowance' his whole life and never had to work and so his rejection of capitalism and the job market feels flat in that he can say all that from a place of privilege.

i mentioned it to my professor when we'd talk bout it but honestly the most authentic beats who didnt seem hypocritical or make the movement feel hypocritical to me were those who were marginalized and didnt have a choice in rejecting society. like allen ginsberg was one the Big Beats as well and to me he is the most Beat out of the main three of him and burroughs and kerouac. cuz ginsberg was an openly gay man in a long term relationship, he was jewish and lived on the fringes of 'acceptable' american society as an outlier.

it especially goes for bob kaufman. he was always left out of the beat movement and ignored and even in modern times doesnt really get the credit and recognition that he deserves. but holy fuck if anyone was ACTUALLY beat it was him! he was a black man with a jewish father. he created poetry without ever really writing it down besides on napkins and would 'perform' his poetry on streets and yelling out poems or sticking his head in peoples cars. he did not ever seek out publishing his work and he purposefully would confuse any publishers and would lie about himself and his life so even now some of the aspects of his biography is confusing. he wanted to be forgotten! he was never concerned with actually carrying on his work or creating it and there was something beautiful in that. he was constnatly accosted by police to the point that specific officers would harass and abuse him whenever they felt like it. he actually experienced a lot of the bullshit and hardships the beats rejected and criticised. many white beat writers chose to reject social norms, but he had no choice! theres something so much more authentic about the rejection of society when you by virtue of existing cant even exist within societal norms itself.

he was just. such an interesting dude. and the beat movement abandoned him because he was too far on the fringes of society that the public couldnt accept him. motherfucker wanted that, in a way, though. like he took back his silencing by silencing himself. he wasnt being forgotten or silenced or ostracized anymore, because he wanted to be forgotten.

#egg rambles #new tag for word things when i go off bout literature #allen ginsberg was interesting to me as well.#its kind of interesting that he was regarded as a Major Beat considering he was a jewish gay man #but i think it was like... his jewishness was really watered down and rarely actually regarded #so he was easier to digest by society #like by just seeing him as 'white enough' he was able to be publically known and regarded #while kaufman couldnt ever be seen as white #like in many regards i think the beat generation kinda sucked but some specific ppl who came from or around it #like ginsberg and kaufman and jan kerouac #were fucking phenomenal. they actually embodied what beat couldve/shouldve been

3 notes · View notes

shatteredfears-arch · 2 years

Text

Having Headcanon thoughts abt Donna seems off rn considering shes on my req list but anYWAYS

as stated on the archive, I personally write Donna as the youngest, and most recently transformed of the lords. The lore we can discover in game, and some of the lore discoverable outside of the game, hints that Claudia is her little sister. The bones left behind are not the bones of a child, but you know what is the right size and shape to be a childs bones? Angie, who close ups you can see, Donna’s father most likely created Angie from Claudia’s decomposed corpse.

And Donna is non the wiser. I don’t think she’s childlike because of ‘mental illness’ (personally, btw, i headcanon donna as autistic w mutism, much like myself when i was younger). I don’t think the scar mentioned in game is physical, since it’s only referenced in the American adaption and the japanese adaption basically says she just has anxiety around people and being picked on. I do not headcanon Donna as older than 21 years old, personally. 25 max (at death and subsequent rebirth from the mutation)

also, here’s a thing. Many autistics have one eye thats slightly more closed than the other. i know personally my thinner eye gets injured, swollen, and the skin splits on its own without warning. I wouldnt be surprised if it were the same for Donna as a child, which led to the town bullying her, and her reclusive nature. She craves that connection, she just doesn’t know how she could achieve it.

When Donna was transformed via the cadou in her eye, she lost all vision in that eye. it became a bulging, concerning mess that made what Miranda thought would be a perfect Eva, into far less than perfect for her physical looks alone. Donna becoming a lord and being left to her own devices definitely didn’t help matters.

after slaughtering her help in order to prove her loyalty to miranda, she’d ultimately be left often alone. her hallucinagenic powers left to grow, and she used it to envision the sort of friendships she always wanted— thus how the idea to spread her cadou throughout her dolls came to be. it gave her the ability to live through them, the life she always wanted.

i think she’d have adored her ‘siblings’ actually being like siblings to her, but she wouldnt know what that is without violence just based around how she was raised. Barely a child when Claudia died, and barely a teen when her father gave her angie and sacrificed her to miranda before him and her mother both dying.

personally, i think the fraction of the cadou that held her spirit was put into Angie, and the only part she truly kept in her physical body was her mind. that’s why she completely disintergrated, and angie was left behind in her place. because everything left about her was in angie. the fraction of a soul she had left is angie. Angie gave her the ability to speak, to not be concerned or scared or nervous. the physical projection of what Donna always wanted to be.

also one day i’ll make a transformed version of donna tbh bc capcom didnt, but i think they did have reason for that: she spread her cadou across every fucking doll she made. She could control all of them and make the entire town hallucinate from the flowers she had planted around. she weakened herself when she spread her mind across all the dolls, meaning donna’s physical body wouldn’t be what would transform. The most of Donna left behind wasnt her physical body, it was placed within Angie. Angie would ultimately be the one to transform if anything, because every aspect of Donna’s life, the life Donna dreamed of at the least, is in Angie.

#and dont even get me fucking started on the thoughts i have about claudia or the probability #that donna putting her cadou in her sister’s corpse might have caused her sister to take control over everything #because her sisters body was too weak for the cadou #but donna’s wasnt #but donna spreading her mind across all the dolls #very easily could have forced claudia and donna’s minds to meld together #which could also explain why angie’s the strongest #and not donna herself #out.#anyways im having thoughts #《 passed down like folk songs 》HEADCANONS #and yes i lay i to the belief that claudia and donna were sisters bc it makes the most sense to me #bc in what fucking world would a reclusive most likely autistic girl who couldnt go outside without being bullied by villagers #end up w a daughter that young when ahe’d already been given to miranda by then #unless miranda made a fucking teenager have a child which i wont even go into that and id hope she wouldnt #anywYs wtf to i tag this as #child death cw #cause of claudia #yeah thats all i got #besidez whatever it is when you turn a dead body into a doll #idk what its called ho

4 notes · View notes

munsons-maiden · 2 years

Note

hi, i really need to vent rn and you are literally a safe space for anything eddie/joseph related and i just feel like i have to talk about it.

my heart is broken and ive cried my eyes out for a while now because joe wont be at the german comic con due to issues with his passport. ive spent so much money on tickets and the whole trip to see him. like, all i wanted was one of those hugs he gives everyone and i wrote him a letter and now its all for nothing.

i am so sad and frustrated now because i wont get my money back and i had to fight the entire week to get tickets for him. i almost got scammed two times and now this. no hug, no smile, no nothing :(

im still going and i at least got a ticket for grace, so as long as she wont cancel too, its at least something. but its still so disappointing and i feel so devastated. knowing that id meet him gave me so much motivation to do something and now its all gone again.

im still thinking if its a dck move to ask grace if she will take my letter and maybe gets it to joe somehow. the letter really means so much to me and idk if ill ever get the chance to give it to him now. but im scared that grace might think im only using her, if she even agrees. and if she did agree, maybe the letter would get lost somewhere and any chance of getting it to him is gone...

i really dont know what to do now and im trying to see the positive aspects but its so hard, considering everything i invested and all the hopes i had :(

sorry to dump this on you, i just needed to tell someone

same anon with the german comic con topic here... again i just feel like my last whining session sounded like im mostly frustrated that i spent so much money. and while that is true, i spent it gladly to meet joseph. just wanted to clarify.

the money issue isnt my biggest problem, its just the only thing i can actually be mad about rn, bcs joe has a valid reason to cancel. even if the passport thing is not the whole truth and maybe he ditched because the london cc wasnt going too great (some ppl speculate that he didn't wanna do another comic con so soon after) its his right to do so and i cant be mad at him.

its just so disappointing because i wanted to talk to him and see him interact with fans and ask him stuff. and now the opportunity is gone and it was pure luck that i even had this one chance. its just... i miss him, without ever meeting him? does that make sense?

i feel like his presence must be so nice to be around and i was so ecstatic when i finally got the tickets. and now i think i ruined it for myself because every time i overthink something, i make up 567 scenarios in my head, what could happen, what i could say and so on... and whenever i do this, i jinx it. and the little ppl controling my life, reading my thoughts, built me a path i didnt calculate.

its the same thing that happened this time, its the same thing that happens all the time with whatever situation i am confronted with.

to end this second rant on a note that is actually related to you and not just a random anon escalating in your asks... i could really use some new eddie content right now and i am over the moon, that worlds apart chapter 7 will be out soon and i can drown myself in my sorrow and the new chap ):)

Hi sweetheart! First of all, no worries, my inbox is always open🖤

I'm very sorry this happened, and I totally understand the sadness and frustration about the situation, it's absolutely valid. There's sadly not much of a positive aspect to this except for the fact that they're already talking to Joe about coming to another Comic Con in Germany in October - maybe it's worth a shot to try and get tickets for this one?

As for the letter; it depends entirely on what feels safe/comfortable for you. If you plan to get tickets for the October Con, you could keep the letter to give it to him yourself, since it seems very personal? In the end, you're the only person who can make a decision about that; you could take the letter with you and decide while you're there?

I hope you'll feel better soon, and should you decide to try for tickets for October, my fingers are crossed! 🖤

(And I hope Worlds Apart can contribute a little to comfort you🖤)

#kiki answers

5 notes · View notes

horce-divorce · 2 years

Text

I've had 2 family members offer to buy me an "early birthday present" this year on the fly and I panicked and said no thanks both times and I'm getting kind of pissed off about it tbh. Incomimg rant abt one of those aspects of disabled adult life that sets you apart from other adults and makes you feel fucking useless.

my family is affluent but I can't ASK them for help. if I do that they're sorry but no :/ so sad :/ but if my dad sees me counting quarters. he'll give me a bag of $50 worth of quarters. he can gift me 50 whole dollars but he can't just GIVE it to me like normal money, he cant "afford" that. I have to be willing to take it to the coinstar or whatever.

I can't ask them for clothes or point out that I've only had one (1) pair of pants for 2 years and its fucking sweatpants. theyre prob embarassed by the fact i wear the same stained sweatpants every day, but I can't afford new pants and I cant just ASK for new ones because That's Entitled, No Thanks. But if my dad sees me so much as looking at a pair of $60 Tevas while everyone else is shopping, he'll offer to buy me an early birthday present all of a sudden.

and that's nice and I get that it's a nice gesture and it has to be offered but here's the thing. my family members can afford all the things they need and then some, so shopping and buying gifts is just that; its frivolous, its just for funsies. I can't fucking do that. I can't afford ANY one thing that I need. Not one. The meds fucking keeping me ALIVE rn I only get bc I beg online or my dad feels bad and gives me his pocket change once every 6 months or whatever.

Which means when ppl ask me "what do you want for your birthday?" That's my ONE CHANCE PER YEAR to get the things I actually need. It means I don't ask for the things I want for my birthday. It means I always have to ask for the things I need and couldn't afford for the last year (or maybe more depending on which necessities I asked for last year). It means I never get anything that's just for funsies or to play with because I can't buy that stuff on my own and I certainly can't afford to waste a gift request on it.

But it also means I have to budget my gifts. I can't ask for things that are for fun and entertainment. If I don't ask for pants or shoes for my birthday I DONT GET THEM. Ever. Period. End of story. It doesnt fucking happen.

so my family keeps coming around at the worst possible moment and going "don't you want a tripod grill for camping?" when I don't even have pants or a proper fucking tent with a COVER or a sleeping pad or even my own damn bug spray (where the F am i gonna get $7). or my dad going "don't you want these Tevas?" when I don't even have basic proper clothes.

but nobody wants to hear that shit cus then its not fun for them as the gifter. it's not a fun silly cool time to be 'gifting' people basic necessities. sorry I'm so poor I'm not even fucking fun to shop for.

I know this is like a dumb stupid thing to complain about when they're at least not kicking me out this time and that my dad will sometimes grab my groceries when he goes to the store. But it's really honestly making me a little fucking insane that all my family members treat me like I'm The Same as them and like I'm living the same fucking life as them just bc they see me every day when in reality we live wildly different lives. And just bc I'm In Their House doesn't make me, like, part of Their Household financially speaking you know what I mean. I don't wanna sit here and listen to them talk about fucking real estate and then turn around and offer to buy me a tripod grill or fucking tevas when I've been rotating thru the same 3 pairs of underwear for over a year. But I can't fucking say that bc then they'll feel bad so I'm here instead

#me #prsnl #anyway what i wound up with?#a bear bell and a new guitar strap.#because i dont actually need either of those things and theyre cute and fun to gift to someone.#so it made my parents feel like they Didnt Leave Me Out.#it just makes me insane. it makes me IN FUCKING SANE #i cant afford my own fucking applesauce and then someone asks oh do you want this random rich person shit thats 100 gd dollars? no tbh

2 notes · View notes

l0vem41l · 5 months

Text

songs and other drabbles...

part two: kyle "gaz" garrick

「 tws + notes: no tws, unedited, very possibly ooc (my first time writing for cod), civilian reader, pet name (baby) used like... once?? gaz the typa guy to use "babe" and "baby" i dont make the rules. dk whether this is fluff or angst but oh boy is it sumn!!!! 」

「 gn!reader, can be platonic or romantic <3 」

↳ ft. kyle "gaz" garrick

author's note: the entire first draft deleted itself and i nearly chose to do the same. SLASH JAY!!!! errmmmm (*´ｰ｀)ゞ anyways!!!! i love gaz so so much. this Specific lyric bro. itz so him. i've had this in my brain for too long. I STG I WAS COOKING W/ THE OG ONE BUT I DELETD THAT DRAFT AND NOW IT'S MID o(≧口≦)o !!!!! apologies. many. trust i'll come up w/ sumn better when i am not succumbing to whatever ailment has me rn,,,, <//3 im sick

[ simulation swarm - big thief ]

"i wanna drop my arms and take your arms / and walk you to the shore"

↳ gaz had woken up about half an hour ago. unlike usual, however, he was making absolutely no effort to get up from the bed and start the day early.

"just a few minutes” is what you claimed it would be when you asked him to stay in bed a for a while. it was also completely bullshit. you both knew that much. it had been much longer than “just a few minutes” since then– yet, there were no protests from him, holding you tight as if he never intended on letting go.

even if kyle had wanted to get up (and like hell he would), he figured it was almost impossible to say no to you. after coming back from a particularly long deployment which had left you with minimal contact to him, he figured the least he could do was indulge you in your simple requests now that he was back. staying in bed where it was warm and comfortable was easy enough anyways.

you were practically laying on top of him, your head tucked into the crook of his neck, one of his arms around your waist, holding you close against him. his free hand had found its way to the small of your back, as he idly traced shapes against the fabric of your shirt–

his shirt, actually. you had taken a liking to stealing his clothing and kyle's closet began slowly merging with your own ever since. at this point, it was hard to tell who’s clothes were who’s. not like he minded.

"kyle?” you mumbled sleepily, lips moving against his skin as you speak. his heart fluttered at your voice.

“yes?”

a beat of silence.

“nothing.” you shifted your position, moving to rest your head against his shoulder, cheek pressed against it as you look up at him. “it’s stupid, really but– i missed you more than i thought i would... guess i was worried about you."

his eyes met yours, gazing down at you sweetly. he paused to think for a moment, giving you a wistful smile before pressing a little kiss to your forehead. he thinks a moment before replying.

"i missed you too, baby. so much." though his voice is adoring and gentle as ever, a soft sorrow which your tired mind can't quite discern resided in the words.

kyle had always accepted danger which his job entailed, even used to the physically and mentally demanding aspects. but ever since you arrived his life, he found himself absolutely despising the anxiety that his job caused you when he was away. you both had to come to terms with the fact that this was just the way things would be for the both of you. he hated that. he hated knowing you would be forced to reconcile with the fact there might be a day where he doesn't come back to you.

deep in his heart, he knew that if you were more selfish– if you would just ask him to quit his job to live a quiet life with you– his answer wouldn't be no.

he'd never verbalize it, but he was almost certain he'd drop it all if you asked him to. sometimes he secretly wished that you would. but you never did. you remained understanding, taking all the anxiety you felt when he was away if it meant that you could still be with him. how could he ever repay something like that?

this was the ache and blessing which he carried the minute you insisted on loving him.

he didn't dare tell you this now. the moment would've certainly be ruined if he had. besides, he figured you had been laden with enough– and he didn't want to spoil this perfect morning. instead, he took the opportunity to pepper as many kisses on your face he can before you eventually laugh and gently push him away.

and that smile of yours, brighter than the morning sun– it just reminded him that he really would do anything for you.

▸ KYLE "GAZ" GARRICK

– reblogs always appreciated!

#cod x reader #cod mw2 #cod mwii #kyle gaz garrick #kyle garrick #kyle gaz garrick headcanons #kyle gaz garrick x reader #gaz call of duty #gaz cod #gaz mw2 #gaz headcanons #gaz x reader #gaz garrick

30 notes · View notes

qveensteph · 7 months

Text

lol tw rant: feeling absolutely insane rn. it just feels like the universe is absolutely against me in the oh so insignificant but absolutely top of my mind/main priority of having a romantic relationship. like i’ve gone all of my life without a boyfriend, am i really that undeserving of romantic love?? like i kill myself to be a good potential girlfriend, yet i’m alone. like what the actual fuck. it seems like everyone who wants someone has someone and ppl that are alone choose to be alone. like i’m so over feeling sorry for myself and im so f*cking over begging for this. why should i beg for something? it’s not like i don’t try because i do. i literally put myself out there. i’ve literally been on dating apps, i’ve gone on dates, i go out and do things on my own. i try not to have resting bitch face but no no nooooooooo. it’s just not for me. like am i being f*cking punished? i’m always there listening to my friends about their romantic lives and i’m happy for them, i support them, but after years of hearing everyone talk ab their romantic lives, no matter how fucking shitty their love life is, u just feel awful about urself. (bc at least someone actually likes them enough for them to have a romantic life) like i know i’m beautiful, smart and accomplished, but i just get to this point in which it seems like nothing about me matters (and ik how bad that sounds but it’s my truth) like sometimes i feel like pulling a full cassie howard and just fully surrendering myself to any man that gives me attention. but i know how incredibly bad that is in every aspect of the notion, but that doesn’t mean that every day that i’m still single, that i’m not becoming more and more like szn 2 cassie. and to make matters even worse, everyone’s f*cking surprised when i tell them i’m single and i’ve always been. like they always think i’m lying. and i’m flattered but then i’m ALWAYS sad afterwards. it feels like i’m on the outside of the biggest joke ever. i’ve literally had a random man walk up to me in the street and tell me “your boyfriend is lucky to have you” like thank you, but I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND. like why is god punishing me? why is the universe punishing me?? and i’m over all that, “you need to love urself first” bullshit, because i do. i’m basically a straight up narcissist at this point because of how much love i’ve had to pour into myself. yes, i have friends, i have family, i have a promising job, i’m genuinely happy with the rest of my life. my cups are filled up. except this one. it’s literally empty. i just can’t believe how much this literally affects me. it pisses me off that it bothers me so much. like god give me a fucking break. i literally have the most basic standards. respectful, attractive to me, funny, tall, a talker and not ridiculously older than me. like girlllllllllll i am NOT asking for the world. i’m gonna get a tattoo on my forehead that says “LOOKING FOR BF” anyways… i think i feel better. but it doesn’t matter if i feel better now, bc it’s a bandaid on a fucking bullet hole. i’ve dealt with this for years. and i know it goes beyond just being loved, it’s daddy issues, its abandonment issues, it’s fear of vulnerability, it’s feeling unworthy of being loved, it’s so many things. and i’m just so OVER IT. like whatever.

well, :) kisses 💋

pray for me!!! i need it 😀😘

#insane #girlblogging #whisper girl #sadgirl #i'm sad #relationship #messy girl #coquette #black swan #lana del rey #cassie howard #euphoria

1 note · View note

many-gay-magpies · 2 years

Note

okay as much as i would Love to answer your whole post in detail and address the whole thing i can’t put a read more in my ask so i’m gonna limit it some 😭 would dms be more efficient? yes. am i writing this ask anyway? also yes.

and yeah i meant the Whole cb WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THEM?? HOW LONG DID SUNGHOON HIT THE GYM FOR?? I DIDNT KNOW JAY’S VOICE COULD D O THE THINGS ITS DOING RN. NIKI IS OUT HERE LIVING HIS BEST ANGSTY TEEN LIFE.

“he’s selectively deaf” JDKSJDEB. no but fr i really do see jaan as a rigid, stubborn type, a stickler for rules when he’s the one making them but an absolute loose cannon whenever given an order. thankfully his “i do what i want” attitude doesn’t cause Massive problems bc he has a sense of responsibility and at least one braincell. jino, on the other hand… we’re just glad he’s cheerful and not particularly rebellious

CRAZY CAT VAMPIRES!! going back to noa with cat-like tendencies i imagine him padding around with a cat held in one arm “as a buddy” and everyone like “how has that thing not cleared you to death.” no but the guys having these old people tendencies is so funny to me it’s like a steve rogers situation where every once in a while it hits that “oh . oh right you may look like me but you’re Old” just heli smiling contentedly whenever he understands a pop culture reference or jaan crocheting (which is an even Better image now that i talked abt him up there) or jino learning to out-bake anyone’s grandmother (of course, being able to use his body as an oven helps)

no yeah . yeah sooha wanting to show them how to enjoy life as teenagers and then having to realize she couldn’t have a normal fun teenage life either and all of them working through it together and now i’m crying

i appreciate the chart and stuff bc there’s just So many ways to interpret vampirism and lycanthropy- disease, hereditary, extreme states of being (life or death), and each of them have so many implications and it’s fun to explore!! i wish we knew more abt solon and the guys’ origin UGH

- vrvr anon

man i always forget the limitations of this form of communication <///3 HSJFBVJV im just thankful tumblr apparently got rid of that word/character limit that they had on their asks for a while at least im assuming they did. that would have made our entire thing far less convenient

NO YEAH THE COMEBACK. HA. WOW. jay's voice DEFINITELY does a thing at the beginning of future perfect and i do NOT know how to feel about it. hybe needs to close the gyms fr because how much more ripped is sunghoon gonna GET. and yes u go riki get in your angsty edgy teen phase!!

jaan gives me chaotic lawful energy honestly—he's made his own set of rules and he sticks to them to the letter, but anyone ELSE'S rules? its fair game. jaan and jino both have the potential to be absolutely insane loose cannons (and sometimes ARE if the situation calls for it) but theyre stopped from being complete harbingers of chaos by the fact that jaan is actually oretty rigid and responsible (in his own strange way) and jino is happy-go-lucky cheerful instead of aggressively rebellious. if those two aspects of their personalities did not exist the world would be screwed.

NOA CARRYING A CAT AROUND "AS A BUDDY" PLS I CANT. THATS TOO SWEET. and maybe because hes tall af he can carry several more cats than his brothers and hes always just like (while holding six cats) "its the benefit of having long arms"

ive never watched a marvel movie of my own volition but i got weirdly involved in the fandom for some reason a couple years ago and because of that i Know Some Stuff. so now im thinking about heli being the ULTIMATE out-of-touch grandpa of the brothers, because hes the one out of all of them thats the most focused on protecting them and making sure they stay hidden, so hes never taken the TIME to get involved with the pop-culture of the time. and then when he actually starts to slow down a little and give himself time to LIVE instead of survive (thanks to sooha), and he starts looking into pop-culture more, he gets ABSURDLY PROUD anytime someone (like shion, because you KNOW shion would be the brother thats absurdly invested in everything pop-culture just because he thinks these modern humans are very entertaining) makes a reference to a meme or movie or something and he actually gets it! so like you said hes just sitting or standing there with this big old content grin on his face and he goes "i understood that reference!" and sooha or jino pat him on the shoulder like "yes u did good job heli" LMAO

"oh . oh right you may look like me but youre Old." KSGFJFBFJ EXACTLY and this could be said by either sooha (who even though she WAS born at the same time as them in our au, was conscious for significantly less of it) or OTHER students, in a hypothetical world where the brothers get less terrified for their lives, sooha makes more friends, and heli admits it wouldnt hurt to have a FEW more harmless teenagers in on the secret as long as they're harmless teenagers sooha trusts. which also brings to mind a situation in which jino befriends sooha's friends, and he's nice to them and likes them and everything because he's jino, but then said friends introduce jino to their grandparents and its all off the wall from there. sooha's human friend just stares at jino happily baking cookies and gossiping with their grandma like "why are you better friends with my grandma than you are with me"

i dont have much more to say about sooha and the boys experiencing normal life as teenagers together so im just gonna agree that yeah i am also crying. a lot. i am crying a lot. although in the hypothetical world where more humans get let in on the secret, the guys and sooha would actually have some Normal Teenagers to teach them how Normal Teenager Life is lived—at which point they could all be like "huh. actually we like the weird way we were doing it, but thanks!"

im glad the chart and everything was appreciated!! yeah theres so many different possible interpretations and i HAVE so many thoughts about those different possible interpretations. and many different possible interpretations of my own as you saw HSJFBFJB. its just!!! theyre both so COOL conceptually and theres so much that can be done with them!!! i also wish we knew more abt the guys' origins because so far all we know in canon is "woke up in an orphanage with no prior memories, already possessing both vampirism and magical powers. created somehow???" which. is NOT a lot. pls hybe

and hey look at that! i managed to answer this the same day it came into my inbox! and i only saved it to my drafts ONCE! yay me

#asks #anon 📝#vrvr anon #dark moon universe #dark moon stuff #dark moon

0 notes

scoups4lyfe · 2 years

Note

hmmm losing memories... oh wait right, Junpei's memories were lost too!

Ok since I outlined my essay. Might as well spitball some of my thoughts here.

One thing that I really appreciate about the episode 31 reveal, is that it makes the inner demons more complex. On a surface glance you would think

"Oh it just represents, y'know, what really bothers them about themselves."

But that would be in-fact, not true. Or at least, not the full truth. And now with the contract stuff coming to light, I'm realizing that the demons were probably all built on a foundation, a more general concept.

(AKA what started their contracts to begin with.)

And what better way is there to create an inner demon than trauma?

Furthering this idea -- I actually believe that their inner demons were created as coping mechanisms to handle said trauma.

That's their foundation.

For example, (1) Vice's foundation is built on Ikki's need for someone else to handle the situation. For someone else to handle the memories that would break him.

(2) Kagerou's entire creation is built on Daiji's trauma of not being good enough. Of being 2nd best always, and of never being seen or valued because of so.

Kagerou whole purpose was to be the coping mechanism for Daiji's self-hate. Like his name "mirage", he was built to twist the narrative. To hide the desert with the Oasis. Or, to hide Daiji's self-hatred and feelings of inferiority--- by lashing out and blaming others.

(3) Sakura? Well she couldn't be vulnerable. Not as the youngest, and the only daughter in the family. Her parents already had a lot on their plate. And she wanted that attention and love of a parental figure -- so she knew for Ikki-nii, that she had to be someone dependable. So she hid what would make her seem childish, or the youngest. And wore the mask of someone 'stronger' instead.

That's Lovekov's foundation. Lovekov is Sakura's way of coping with reality. Of separating herself from her more vulnerable and 'childish' aspects so that she could be stronger as a person.

I actually believe that you can see these foundations just based on the definition(s) of each of the inner demons names. (More on this later, in a separate post LOL!)

So........where does Papa-san come in?

Well. I think it makes sense that Ikki's losing his memories because he's relying on Vice's power.

If Vice's original foundation was built on Ikki needing to repress and/or use someone else to take care of the traumatic situation, then of course relying on that power would hurt him. The more he uses it, the less connected he is to reality.

"It's fine, nothing happened." But repeated until you actually think nothing happened. My dude's literally losing his past -- piece by piece.

(Stupida$$ multi-layered demons @_@...)

So I guess, not only did Vice take Ikki's childhood...but now he's taking all of Ikki's past. (RIP.)

...

Likewise, VAIL for Papa-san was what he needed in order to protect himself from the reality of being an imprisoned experimental subject with no humans rights, only used as a weapon for destruction.

Papa-san couldn't handle what this life would do to his heart, so he "VAIL"'ed it. But its that separation -- that refusal to acknowledge the pain of reality, that has kept Papa-san's memories locked away.

As of rn I believe Ikki's doomed to end up exactly like his father; if he continues on the path that he's currently on. I think there are 3 options he can choose from.

(1) Continue to use Vice's powers and lose all of his memories

(2) Kill Vice -- his repression coping mechanism, hereby forcing himself to stop running away from reality.

-- OR --

(3) Create a new contract.

Again --- this is why I'm getting even more firm on the theory that Kagerou isn't really "dead". I think that what happened is Daiji just essentially terminated their contract/what their contract was built on. He didn't need that coping mechanism anymore, and it wasn't healthy -- nor would it help him grow. So he ended the contract.

(By killing Kagerou.)

But, you see -- these "Inner demons" as stated before are complex mfers. They may have been built on a coping mechanism, but they evolved past that. As Kagerou and Vice have their Daiji and Ikki:

"I am you."

Vice is everything Ikki's repressed: His aggression. His childhood. His doubts. His fears. His wishes. His selfishness. His inner child.

Kagerou was more than just a "mirage." He represented the more "bad" / selfish parts of Daiji. And since Daiji has yet to acknowledge those parts (fking STILL) that only tells me that until he starts accepting them....until he forms another contract, he won't grow much further from where he's at.

That's why he's still playing second fiddle, and it's why he still fails to truly win his battles.

Its because he hasn't acknowledged or accepted all of himself yet. Something he can only do if he acknowledges Kagerou and the darker parts of himself that Kagerou represents.

Anyways --- I'll be dropping these essays within the next 3 weeks (insert anakin meme here -- LOL) :

(1) I'm about to copy and paste my analysis and theory about where -- narrative wise I think the sibs arcs are and what that might mean for the future; in like 2 minutes.

(2) An essay on the definitions of certain names and terms in revice and why I hate the writers LOL

(Did y'all know one of the many fking definitions of Vice is "to step in/ in place of" which directly fking alludes and foreshadows Vice's deletion of Ikki's memories. Because everytime Vice "steps in" its always "In place of" something else. That something would be Ikki ergo, Ikki's memories.) (Again -- I fking hate these writers T_T)

(3) Families, Generational Trauma, the "Absentee Father" and whether or not Ikki and George are supposed to embody:

"The Sins of the father are the sins of the son."

And If so, if that means they are destined to end up exactly like their fathers. (Ikki's already well on his way. Idk about George. LOL!)

(4) Nature vs. Nurture & the Formation of Identity, Morality and Personality In order to contrast and compare George Karizaki's -- morality, science, and experiments --- with his father's AND Sento's (from build).

(5) In depth PPT breakdown and analysis (ft. memes) of the Sibs and their Demons.

(6) Idk I'll drop a cult essay on the Deadmans 3 at some point.

#lol im always out here writing essays no one asked for #for like no reason LOL #lost anon :D #revice #kr revice #watching revice #revice spoilers #ikki why is ur demon so cringe #kronthescoup #inbetween baths #bath 31 #revice analysis #revice liveblog #kamen rider #my thougts #kamen rider revice #asks #anons

17 notes · View notes

the-ghost-king · 3 years

Note

the term malewife isn’t a very nice term to use...

A man who acts as a wife and is inferior to his #girlboss girlfriend.

Person A: I just got myself a malewife. He's gonna clean my kitchen and watch me download custom content for the sims.

Person B: Sweet! You must be such a girlboss

^^urban dictionary. It’s just confirming to the sexist stereotypes that perceive and expectation of what a wife should act like. It’s quite harmful

It's a parallel to girlboss which is conformity to the sexism within corporate America:

"it becomes inescapably clear that when women center their worldview around their own office hustle, it just re-creates the power structures built by men, but with women conveniently on top. In the void left after the end of the corporate feminist vision of the future, this reckoning opens space to imagine success that doesn’t involve acing performance reviews or getting the most out of your interns." (here)

The word girlboss comes from a book quite literally called #girlboss, in parallel to the negative aspects of this book people eventually rebranded the term "malewife" to parallel it (malewife was originally an nsfw type thing)

In the malewife/girlboss "system" it's essentially the swapping of the problematic aspects, expectations, and socialization of men and women within a relationship

"Girlboss, gaslight, gatekeep" was a meme started to pick on the idea that women should become men and enforce the sexism within corporate society, and I'm sure it was a jab at the book the word came from as well.... "Manipulate, mansplain, malewife" was created to parallel the original meme

So yeah, the whole concept is mocking sexism within corporations and and modern relationships and showing how ridiculous it is. Girlboss mocks the idea of 2014 (largely) white feminism within America.

In example the original meme (created on Twitter) is intended to make mockery of Karen-types:

On January 12th, 2021, Tumblr user missnumber1111 posted, "today’s agenda: gaslight gatekeep and most importantly girlboss," garnering over 43,500 notes in a month (shown below). On that day, Twitter user @CUPlDL0VE posted, "my agenda is gaslight gatekeep and #girlboss," the first instance of the phrase on Twitter.

And a day later on January 13, 2021 Tumblr user a-m-e-t-h-y-s-t-r-o-s-e reblogged the post along with a photoshopped image of "Live, Laugh, Love" wall art instead reading, "Gaslight every moment, Gatekeep every day, Girlboss beyond words" (shown below). On January 18th, the image was reposted to Twitter for the first time.

Malewife doesn't hold those same implications however... The term malewife which is now being used to parallel girlboss achieves it's origins from p*rn, now I'm not an nsfw blog or someone who blatantly discusses nsfw concepts on my blog so I'm not getting super into it but there's a few places it comes from: femdom, bdsm, and feminization kinks... All of which have a connection to queerness in their own right but I don't feel comfortable going into the complexities of that with so many younger people following me.

On February 15th, Tumblr user @relelvance posted, "Manipulate, mansplain, malewife" as a male-themed opposite to "gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss," garnering over 27,000 notes in four days. The post was screenshotted and reuploaded by Twitter user @nortoncampbell on the same day, garnering over 14,200 likes and 2,800 retweets in the same span of time (shown below).

Urban dictionary's explaination of "malewife" is not only harsher than what malewife was intended to mean, but also removes the context of origin from the word- making it something new, different, and erasing the history of who originally used this word.

Because of Malewifes origins vs Girlboss origins, malewife is a less problematic term than girlboss and is more "affectionate" because the term malewife and it's use (up until recently) involved the man acknowledging that he wanted to be the "wife" in his relationship. There's a variety of reasons someone might do this, but it can generally be summed up as a mixture of personality and also personal wants.

I do think it's important to also note that although these words are being "glamorized slightly" they're still intended and being used in a memeing manner, but they're also used to quickly denote arbitrary traits in an individual and categorize those traits...

Although there's lots of conversations to be had for a variety of reasons about the origin and use of the word "girlboss" in relation to sexism, up until recently the world "malewife" was something claimed by men, something men wanted to be called, and something that men who used the term wanted to reference them.

Malewife is about "stepping-up" to "take on" "female" social roles, and it's something that at least some women would be happy to see in society:

"...We have been told that we can have it all, but so far we have noticed that it is extremely hard work having it all, because you still have to do everything that your mother did but now you have to do everything your father did as well. Except that your father had your mother waiting at home with a gin and tonic and his slippers when he came home from work, and you have the washing up and the shopping and a few screaming brats as well as a bloke with his feet up on the sofa watching the football... " (via. Victoria Mary Clarke)

And I don't think that she's wrong at all. Women are still expected to do so much more than men in society without equal reward.

Malewife exists as a a sort of fantasy removed from the truth of society. It's an idea that a husband can be waiting at home to care for his wife, and in this instance it benefits the woman- unlike Clarke's situation above, the woman comes home from a long day and is able to relax without the pressures of society and her life.

Where housewife is a word that holds its origins in forced subservience, malewife is a term that is showcasing men "picking up the torch" in regards to housework- where housewife is socially forced, and girlboss is reversed social compliance, malewife is the rejection of social expectations.

Malewife is about men finding a place in their life's and relationships to make themselves more than a paycheck. To say "I can be emotionally there for my spouse, I can clean a toilet, and drive kids to school, and I don't treat my spouses wants as something expendable". In a society in which men are often demeaned, mocked, and scorned for picking up socially female roles (say hello to misogyny and gendered contamination!)

The Urban dictionary definition, is not only too harsh- but not the way in which the word is intending to be used, because that's ignoring the origins of this word, and the fact that men had a choice in becoming malewifes where women didn't have that choice. It should read more like:

Person A: Ah yeah, I have a malewife waiting for me, he's going to clean my kitchen because I've had a hard day at work and need a break, and then he's going to watch me download custom content for the Sims because I enjoy the game so much and it helps me take a break from life!

Women's wants were often ignored in favor of men's wants, so by the malewife saying he's going to watch his spouse play the Sims, he's really saying "I care about her interests" and by him picking up the kitchen cleaning after she's had a stressful day he's saying "I have a lower stress job so I can handle that for her and make her life a little easier" (because malewife doesn't mean he doesn't have a job).

In a society in which a man's worth is tied to his ability to bring home money and be emotionally distant, malewife is the rejection of this norm. Malewifes are going to be there for their spouse, they're going to step up and take on traditionally women's roles and they're doing it because they want to, because they like it, and because dividing chores into pink vs blue is wrong.

I also want to say, you can't flip a word around and say it does "this" because that's not how it works... Men and women are forcibly socialized in very different ways, the two binaries have very different treatment, and expectations within societies social constructs. If you could flip the forms of oppression that men vs women face (because yes, the patriarchy oppresses men) then you could also flip the forms of violence faced by trans masculine people vs trans feminine people- but that doesn't work either, because women will always be oppressed in the most public way to "make an example of them" while the patriarchy expects anyone who is male to "keep his mouth shut and fall in line". (I know that's worded poorly, but I've just written at least a couple hundred words and my brain is a bit fried already from various other things today- basically anyone perceived female or male will be treated in a certain way as a result of others perception of them)

Anyhow, all this isn't to say that the term "malewife" is inherently free of any form of flaw ever... Malewife is a newly mainstream word, it wasn't popularized until February 15 of 2021... So?? 5 days ago?? The origins of malewife and the social implications of malewife combined with the history of the word, don't make the word bad or impressive and it's not "upholding the ideals of a housewife" but instead a word which provides men freedom from male social expectations.

Can the word malewife come to be a word which enforces expected female social behavior? Yeah it absolutely can become a word to mean that, erase the history from the word, and give it to someone who doesn't know the history of the word, and someone who doesn't have an intimate understanding of gender theory, and you've got a recipe for hundreds more asks like the one you've sent me...

I can't find a single positive reason to use the word girlboss in an empowering way, but I can find more reasons to use the word malewife in an empowering way than not to do so.

So at the very least if all you come away from this with is that I don't personally use the word malewife to uphold female social expectations in a relationship but instead I use this word to provide space for guys to be allowed to be feminine, soft, caring, emotionally present, and worth more than their monetary value, then I guess that's okay.

#long post #asks #Anon #malewife #sorry for clogging your feed #i don't have a desktop rn

180 notes · View notes

miwtual · 2 years

Note

fandom wise HMMMM naruto and character wise Tasm!Peter cuz im evil >:) i don't have alot of ships for you atm so no #2 here dgtfdgh

alright this is going under the cut because its gonna get long lmao

send me 1, 2, and/or 3!

fandom: naruto

Favorite character: ill be basic and say naruto like i love so many of the characters but naruto i will always go back to <3

Least Favorite character: danzo all the homies hATE DANZO

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): (in no particular order) nejiten, sakuhina, kakaguy........ dude i never ship anyone lmao this is hard so thats all ur getting rn HJBSDKF

Character I find most attractive: kakashi. call me basic but that mf FINE and i feel VERY strongly about it

Character I would marry: shino my beloved <3

Character I would be best friends with: SAKURA

a random thought: naruto and jjk are not the same. yeah they have a lot of similar aspects to them but i think thats more the fault of shounen animanga in general and its tropes rather than "jjk is trying to "copy" naruto!1!!!!!'11!!!!"

An unpopular opinion: i dont think boruto should exist!!!!! the show or the child!!!!!!! naruto should have just ended and maybe gotten a short epilogue thing but other than that i feel very strongly that boruto is just boring and is a rehash of naruto where it doesnt even take away the characters FROM naruto!!!!!!!!!!!!! if it was something more like legend of korra where a lot of time has passed and things have changed pretty drastically in the world THEN it would be fine ig but it just isnt!!!!!!!!!!! its boring! if i wanted to watch boruto have adventures like his dad I WOULD JUST WATCH HIS DADS ADVENTURES!!!!!! AND I HAVE!!!!!!

My Canon OTP: i dont really have a canon otp. i do think sasusaku is cute tho so ig i'll put them here JHBSDKFJ

My Non-canon OTP: nejiten theyre canon to ME and thats what matters

Most Badass Character: sakura idc

Most Epic Villain: orochimaru tbh SJFL hes just funny to me

Pairing I am not a fan of: naruhina, its just hard for me to believe that they fell in love or whatever after she literally said like. 6 words to him ever JHBKDF

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): literally all of the ladies + shino, need i explain

Favourite Friendship: team kurenai theyre so sweet ok

Character I most identify with: probably hinata tbh

Character I wish I could be: sakura <3

character: peter parker (tasm)

How I feel about this character: because of personal trauma reasons from Bad People in my life who literally were OBSESSED with this version of peter i. cant say i like him very much JSBHKDFN not in a bad way tho just in a personal trauma type of way

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: ngl i dont think i ship him romantically with anybody, like him and gwen are cute and all but i feel like gwen is just. way too good for him HSDNFL

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: him and his aunt may are so sweet <3

My unpopular opinion about this character: hes a better peter parker than he is spiderman. it makes sense in MY head ok

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i wish we got to see what he meant by how he "got dark" when he mentioned it in nwh.......... like what do u mean got dark peter? did u become more of a batman vigilante type who was more violent and didnt care about who got hurt in the process??? what do u MEAN peter TELL US

Favorite friendship for this character: i feel like if we were given more time with harry they'd be such cooler friends......... i want them to be besties i just dont think 1 movie did it SKDFL

My crossover ship: this variant of peter and kirsten dunst's mj watson just makes sense to me dont ask me why alright. they just Make Sense

#kai.answer #ask game #ali 😈

6 notes · View notes

akakeiiji · 4 years

Note

Iwaizumi Bokuto Ushijima and Kageyama reacting to their s/o calling them a cute pet name for the first time?

Omg nonnie this request was so adorable, I had so much fun writing them 💕🥺

-`,✎ Iwaizumi, Bokuto, Ushijima and Kageyama’s reaction to you calling them pet names

Iwaizumi Hajime

He would turn beet red and whip his head towards you in an instant, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide

He didn’t expect it at all

“Wait…did you just call me…”

He’d actually be so shy about it at first, it would just fluster him so much

Not many things can get to Iwaizumi like this so it truly was a sight to see

If you tease him he will explode from mixed embarrassment and giddiness

He’d be blushing the whole day, a smug smile on his face the entire time

He never thought he’d like being called cute little pet names before, he probably thought they were cringey or embarrassing or smth thanks oikawa but when you use them it doesn’t seem like that at all

He warms up to the cute names immediately and his heart always skips a beat whenever you use them on him

It takes him a while for him to use pet names on you and when he first did he was so stiff and shy he’s so adorable please i can’t

He gets used to it really quickly though and regularly uses them with you but only if you’re in private!!

Oikawa would never let him hear the end of it if he knew so he likes to keep it only between you two

His favorite time to use pet names is when he’s greeting you in the morning or saying goodbye to you when you’re alone, he just loves how sweet and intimate it is

He’d take ahold of your hands and kiss your forehead as he say “Good morning, love.” or something like that and now im soft please my heart cant handle this

Bokuto Koutarou

“Wait what did you say?”

“I said baby can you pass me the milk—”

“HOLY SHIT YOU CALLED ME WIUFEAJHFVAWEHFU”

He would freak out, to say the least

He always uses pet names with you ever since the beginning of your relationship (and even beforehand tbh)

But he never pushes you to do the same, he probably doesn’t even realize it at first

Which was why it took him completely by surprise when you did and why he was so ridiculously happy

He’d probably scoop you up in his arms and twirl you around from the sheer happiness he was feeling

He’d also smother you with little kisses all over your face

He would immediately tell (read: gloat) all his friends about it because this is such a special moment for him

After you start using pet names on him, the number of times that he does practically triples

If he can find a way to sneak a nickname or pet name in he definitely can and will do it no matter the context or situation

Whenever you call him using your usual pet names a grin always finds itself on his face and he always gets a little bit more excited every time you do, the effect never wears off no matter how long its been

Ushijima Wakatoshi

He’s the most nonchalant of the group, his reaction is almost unnoticable

When you first used your pet name on him he froze a bit and blinked a few times as he processed what you just said

He’d turn and ask you to repeat yourself in case he misheard and when you did he’d just tilt his head in confusion

“Why do you need to call me that? Why not just call me Wakatoshi like usual?”

HE DOESN’T GET THE CONCEPT OF USING PET NAMES IM SORRY DKJEHBV

Once you explain it to him though he’s surprisingly pretty down with it

He doesn’t mind it when you call him pet names, even when other people are around and after a while, he grows really fond of them

Once he truly understands the appeal he’ll start calling you pet names as well and it’s literally the sweetest because he always says them in such a sweet genuine tone and you can feel his love just from a simple pet name and can you tell that im simping so hard for ushijima rn bc i am and efjbewhbfw

Again he probably doesn’t mind using or being called pet names even with other people around it doesn’t fluster him at all

He doesn’t feel the need to hide that aspect of his life from others, he loves you, he doesn’t mind other people knowing it as well

To be honest the people he’s with would be the flustered ones because Ushijima would seem like the last person to use such cute little nicknames

But surprise surprise, he does and he loves them so much

Basically what I’m saying is Wakatoshi is baby and I love him

Kageyama Tobio

My little tsundere baby

His reaction would be similar to Iwaizumi’s bc asides from oikawa, iwa was totally kag’s role model but with more confused screaming

“WHAT–WAIT—DON’T CALL ME THAT—”

He’d scream stuff like this but he’d be bright red and cover his face with his hands because he’s so embarrassed and flustered

Nobody has ever called him pet names before so it was totally new for him

The effect that that one little pet name had on him would last an entire day, he’d be bright red the entire time as he kept going back to the memory of you calling him that

He really really loves them

But he just panics every time you use them

It’ll take him a while to stop short-circuiting and yelling at first but slowly he starts getting used to them but he’ll always get a little bit flustered or red every time

But if you use them in front of other people he will die from embarrassment and want the earth to open up and eat him alive so only use them when you two are alone

Seeing as it’ll take him a while to get used to just being called pet names, it’s not a surprise that it’ll take him some time to use them on you as well

The first few attempts were a failure because he’d just stand in front of you beet-red and looking constipated because no matter what he did he couldn’t utter out the pet name

But once he gets into his groove he surprisingly uses them very often, it’s actually super friggin cute

561 notes · View notes

allkinds-oftrash · 3 years

Text

Ya girl is watching the latest HSM series ep and Imma live blog it hshshs and will add my reactions under the cut so it doesn't end up a long post. Anyways, let's goo:

AHHHH THE MORNING SHOW WITH GINA AND EJ WE LOVE TO SEE IT

They really said we're gonna let life imitate art with Nini and Olivia huh

Ricky was SUPPORTIVE??? Damnn I really thought we gonna get a classic Ricky tantrum....

But also wow sir that sounds salty and should definitely talk to someone abt how you're feeling...A therapist maybe 👀

I know we needed to contextualise how Ricky felt abt the song but I really wanted to see Nini's interview in full!!

Sebby you're so cute I do wanna see yall do DEH

Shjshshs not the rights not being available for another 5 years 😭😭

I dunno how they're in great shape and closer to the Menkies Gold after not having a single proper rehearsal, but go off Miss Jenn

Omg honestly Kourt's costumes are always amazing and on point Imma excited to see it

Kourt is such a simp we love to see it

Carlos is so pissy this episode we love to see it shshhs

Also love the way Seb calms him down and keeps him nice it's such a funny dynamic

"We had 20 people make our Belle dress over 50 hours" Okay North High shut the fuck up

I'm calling it now the reason North High knows so much is cos Howie is the leak and Kourt has been unwittingly telling him. The way her phone keeps going off as they discuss how North High knows everything is really good foreshadowing if my prediction is right

Also like her phone went off just as Carlos said "How did they know that?" THAT'S PEAK FORESHADOWING

If Howie ain't in North High, I dunno what Tim is doing

GSJAGSHAH KOURTNEY MAKING ABS FOR EJ I CANNOT

"I have abs" We know sweetie

"I PADDED THE THUSH FOR YOU" "AWW THANKS KOURT I NEEDED THAT" THIS INTERACTION IS EVERYTHING THAT WAS SO FUNNY!! I love that it is now canon that EJ has abs but no butt love that for him

Okay but like damn these costumes are great!! North High can fuck right off with its high end ones I just wanna see lowkey homemade costumes by students; I'd watch a Broadway show if I wanted to see professional costumes okay

Damn Carlos has killer eyesight clocking in that mask in the trunk

GINA BBY DON'T SAY THAT AND HAHSGSH NINI NUDGING HER WAS SO FUNNY

Nini's little look over at Gina was like "Omg you guys my girlfriend is so cute and dumb" GINI STANS HOW WE FEELING?

Miss Jenn don't be that naive, your boyfriend probably put them up to it

That Insta page is prophetic with their timing tbh; all the info is a leak obviously looking at your Howie but like the timing of it all. Those kiddos don't know that they are discussing the stolen mask at this exact moment (Kourt has put down her phone after Carlos snapped at her so Howie doesn't know they are talking abt it rn)

"We don't dance with the enemy" *cuts to her dancing with Zackey later*

SEBBY WEARING THE TEACUP COSTUME OMG HE'S GOING MAKE SUCH A CUTE CHIP (yes I am still mad Seb/Joe was robbed but Imma fangirl over the costume anyway)

Wtf why does North High look so expensive - they are literally in the same district as East High right??? How did they get this much funding

North High is a very artsy and rich for a public school; they should have had Nini go here instead of YAC tbh (like this campus feels like what YAC should have been) NOW THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN INTERESTING STORYLINE

Seblos' dynamic IS ON POINT THIS EP I really love my bois so much and their back and forth is hilarious

Shhshs DIANE who loves volleyball and North High okay I totally believe it

WHY ARE RED AND ASHLYN SO KINKY EVERY DAMN EPISODE TIM THESE ARE UNDERAGED CHARACTERS STOP IT

Shshsh we love Gina knowing herself and practicing self control by volunteering to be the lookout

Omg yall listen to Carlos and stfu they are so lucky no one saw or heard them yelling Wildcats

Oh no no no no no Miss Jenn you gonna get sucked in; this is gonna be so messy

Omg I saw someone post about this scene before I watched the ep YALL ARE RIGHT THAT BOI HITTING ON GINA IS SO FINE Babes go for that one, not EJ

NOT THEM FAKE DATING UGH E W TIM STOP MAKING ROMANTIC PORTWELL A T H I N G I honestly do not understand how some of yall can ship it romantically knowing Sofia is a whole underaged babey and Matty is a whole ass grown man - like I get the appeal of the Wonderstudies getting together and they do have chemistry but the irl age gap is creepy and outweighs the appeal of shipping them romantically

As I always say; Portwell/Wonderstudies should be a BROTP not an OTP

Ugh Brotp Portwell would have clocked Lily right away; romantic Portwell making googly eyes at each other isn't helping anyone

Living for Nini getting the recognition she deserves - I really like her solo arc this season she's so much more interesting without Ricky tbh

Aww Kourt you simp I love her and I'm so happy she's happy I wanna be wrong about Howie being a North High kid

Where is the mask??

OHMYGOD THESE KIDS COMING IN LIKE A HORROR MOVIE

Lily really wishes she was Jesse St. James huh; you could never Lily so stop

Andrew Barth Feldman and his cute little French accent I love him so much

Hnng Miss Jenn gonna get manipulated by this hoe. Omg wowow Zackey really is a hoe, making out with another girl before the show THE AUDACITY OF HIM SAYING MISS JENN WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH I WILL THROW HANDS WITH THIS MOFO

Wait the kids didn't steal it BUT WHAT IF ZACKEY DID

Ssjsgfajhdfg I CANNOT WITH ANDREW'S ACCENT but I can't tell if its really bad or really good but I'm also confused why didn't they just cast a French person as Antonie shshhs Antoine is adorableee and a little shit the best type of character

Lily is so annoying b y e sis bye and Olivia Keegan is talented I just wish they didn't make her character such a cartoony villain type

"How about if we bop to the top" SEBBY I LOVE YOU AND NEVER STOP BEING SO CUTE I SWEAR and Awww Carlos called him Honey I am s o f t

Hnng why do these fools are really gonna give into North High calling them chickens

OHHH NO SHE DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT ABOUT ASHLYN FUCK A DANCE OFF I AM ABOUT TO THROW HANDS WITH A 16 YEAR OLD

"She told us not to dance with the enemy. She's better than this" No Sebby, she's not *cuts to her dancing with Zackey* AND OMG THE WAY I SAW THIS EDIT COMING BEFORE IT CAME

Ooooh I like this song wayyy more whatever the mess The Mob Song became (when I first heard it drop on Spotify yesterday) Around You is such a great song musically and lyrically very relevant to these two and gosh I love their voices together

They have so much chemistry damn, go home Mike (well he technically has oop) and Mr. Mazzara

YES YOU DO MISS JENN YOU ALWAYS HAD IT

Oh god this is the scene from the trailer; she's gonna make a move on Ricky isn't she?? Leave him alone Lily he doesn't need a 3rd girl to be confused about he needs a therapist

Lily shut the fuck up with quasi; STOP TRYING TO MAKE QUASI HAPPEN

"I love Nini's song" Sure, Jan.

...Okay yes you should have called him out but don't bait him LIKE THAT oop there's the scene from the trailer

Ohmygod is Andrew Barth Feldman gonna hit on Ashlyn

Okay this is so cute but also I am VERY annoyed with the way this show handles its characters like they aren't relevant or important unless they get into a relationship or a love triangle?? That's such a shitty way to give out screentime and arcs to characters. Is it not enough to develop the characters on their own and strengthen their friendship???

HUH TIM why you so obsessed with compulsory heterosexuality??(well also homosexuality for Seblos but they are the only ones I'm not annoyed with their relationship cos its a hella big step for Disney to have a gay couple and their relationship isn't in our faces or overshadows the plot and its just spinkles of cuteness every time they interact - they are honestly who Rini wishes they were; besties in love. They are a couple that Tim should be taking notes from; leave the relationship drama in the background, focus on the theatre and friendship aspect of everything)

My mini rant aside; this is a very adorable interaction between Ashlyn and Antoine.

"TOM HOLLAND ON STILTS" GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT COMPARISON I AM SCREAMING ANTOINE THAT'S SO FUNNY

This is so funny he keeps picking out the hottest guys of the group; as if he himself isn't the French version of Big Red they look super alike ngl shshsh

WHY YOU RUIN IT WITH THAT ANTOINE I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU

Drama between Antoine and Red is already spicing up shshsh I cannot

Why are you so dramatic with the shuffle Lily gtfo of here...also this doesn't make sense?? She wasn't even on a BATB playlist; what if a non BATB song came on ahahah

Good to know they aren't big fans of The Mob Song like I am Awww EJ you cutie, okay I will appreciate the OG Mob Song just for you

OH WAIT HE PROLLY LIKES IT COS ITS A GASTON LED SONG TIM GIMME THE EJ SOLO I DESERVE IN THIS NUMBER

I'm being robbed of Gaston for the last 7 eps I at least deserve an EJ solo for compensation

The way the set looks straight out of Broadway but also like omg the blue lighting and fancy stage gave me intense flashbacks to that Glee episode where Vocal Adrenaline sang Bohemian Rhapsody

RICKY STOP BEING SALTY AND ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

OMG THE SUBTITLES SAID ITS HOWIE SINGING AS THE BEAST I FUCKING CALLED IT

Howie you hoe you gonna break my girl Kourtney's heart

Yeah...still not a fan of Antoine's Dance Remix

Yall know Gina would kill the dance number if she wasn't wearing that fit

Okay but it's Gaston led song WHY DOES EVERYONE BUT EJ HAVE A SOLO IN THIS SONG??

First the Beasts led it (Howie sounded better than Ricky ngl), then the Lumieres (their voices worked hella well together; I always forget what a talented singer Frankie is THEY NEED TO GIVE HIM A SOLO SONG) and now the Belles are going at it (Ashlyn's voice is superior)

BIG RED BEING JEALOUS AND SALTY IS SO FUNNY ITS LIKE A PUPPY BEING ANGRY I CRI

...Did anyone really win, Lily??? STFU

CARLOS IS RIGHT AND HE SHOULD SAY IT

Oooh I did see someone talk about this when the Rose Song dropped last week, apparently its illegal to add songs to a musical you're doing for a school play; I really thought the show would brush past that irl rule but I guess they are playing into it

THE WAY EVERYONE TURNED TO EJ FOR THE SPORTS METAPHOR I AM D Y I N G AND HIS FACE WAS GOLDEN! ITS LIKE THAT LISA SIMPSON MEME SHHSHSH

Okay Nini is being a little pissy about leaving her song out of the show and its a little selfish to wanna keep it at the risk of being disqualified but I also understand why she's hurt

Everyone is dog piling on her right now being against her idea and it feels like they are being against her song and her herself instead of them not wanting to be disqualified. Also like she poured her heart and soul into the song after Miss Jenn lowkey rushed her to write it. So I can see why this feels like a rejection of her and her song and why she's so hurt rather than her seeing the big picture right now

It doesn't help that Ricky said the final blow causing her to walk off

Okay maybe Zackey gets some rights for being chill and wanting the kids to be peers

THIS MOTHERFUCKER I KNEW HE WAS SHADY Also the way I gasped even though I predicted he stole the mask halfway through this ep shshsh

Stab him Miss Jenn STAB HIM

Bitch why you so threatened by East High if yall have such a Broadway-esque show planned??? They honestly should have stuck to the Little Mermaid; I really wanted to see the aquarium

"It's just a song Ricky" "A song can mean everything" Do you get deja vu? Anyone else getting intense flashbacks to Jan when DL first dropped and all the drama happened 👀

YES PLEASE STAY CO ANCHORS Gosh I love them so much esp once you take the romantic connotations out of their interactions

ROUGE GRAND I'M SCREAMING

I love this long take of checking in with everyone's relationship status (still hate how romantically focused this show has become but still a cool shot)

I K N E W IT I WAS RIGHT

Okay but like looking at Kourtney's face I have never wanted to be wrong so bad GOD I HATE IT HERE I really think he likes her and I hope they work it out

Nini setting up her own music acc feels like when Olivia rebranded her whole IG to be just for her music stuff - love this for both of them

AHHHHH SHE'S NINA NOW YALL

I know everyone loves her as Nini but like I have always loved the name Nina and it really suits her to be honest also shows how she's growing up now and kind of leans into the lyric "I won't be confined to your point of view" from The Rose Song because Nini is the nickname Ricky gave her so it shows that she's outgrowing him too and I love that for her!

Overall thoughts; they really crammed all the North High drama into one ep huh. Personally would have liked it if all of this was spread out throughout the last few episodes; like different hijinks for every episode. I'm just a big fan of properly setting up the overall arc over the season instead of patching it together closer to the climax/end of the show. Cos now it lowkey feels like two different seasons - 2A felt like The Rini/Rina Show esp with YAC storyline and whatever was going on with Rina and now 2B is finally feeling like what this season should have been all this time

#hsmtmts season 2 #hsmtmts #hsmtmts spoilers #nina salazar roberts #gina porter #EJ Caswell #Ricky Bowen #Kourtney Green #Ashlyn Caswell #Seb Matthew Smith #carlos rodriguez #Big Red

9 notes · View notes

kyunsies · 3 years

Note

Yes please analyze my personality based on who I lean more towards bc I really would love to know for sure 👉👈 (as you already know I lean a bit towards Shownu but like they all bias wreck and then it's like in equilibrium again I guess(?))

I had a time where Jooheon was ooooof wowow I was down BAD (and I still am 👀 pls I'm all for a man with thick thighs)

And Minhyuk in Gambler was giving me very much hot criminal and I was back to listening to Britney like 🎶🎵 momma I'm in love with a criminal 🎶🎵 (also can we talk about his breathy singing voice like I'm very much deceased rn 🤌)

Kihyun is just Kihyun and he just exudes ✨angel with a devilish side✨ (Strawberry kihyun was one of my faves and had me deceased as per usual ooooooof + the vocals are top tier 🤌)

Hyungwon is literally me as my introverted self and I love his memeable self but his vocals in Thriller from Fatal Love (and just vocals in general) I was deceased in the best way 🤧🤌

Changkyun was so adorable back then and he still is but he went from baby to man like wowowoowowowowowow. I love how he doesn't take shit from anyone (I'm trying to be like that too but I'm slightly more passive lmao 😅)

And Shownu, wow he is so adorable and awkward but I love that lol 🤌 plus I think my daddy issues were activated when I saw this man like wowowowowow 👀 please what water is he drinking I just need to know 👀

Conclusuion: I'm down bad for all of them (especially when they're in suits or glasses. Now when it's suits AND glasses, that is a LETHAL combination.)

(Another king ask lmao 😂💛 pls excuse any spelling errors lol)

JDNDJJF SORRY IM SO LATE !!! i’ve been running errands today :’) but gosh no i can’t analyze ppl like that LOL but just being on here for a year and a half now i have made a consensus about ppl who bias certain members !! for example:

shownubebes — the funniest ppl on this site, very chill

minbebes — u can trust all of them with your life for real !! they’re also quite … savage ?? lol not really savage their just realists, also are the first ones to call mbb out (in a good way u know sometimes we need to be put in our place !!)

kibebes — either extremely chill and super cute or are passively violent LOL but i love the very few kibebes i know on here <3

hyungwonbebes — the Most Chill of all of us !!! very soft for hyungwonnie , that’s all 🥺

joobebes — 1/2 of the always barking gang KFJKF …. crazy dedicated to jooheon……… but also some of the sweetest ppl you’ll meet in here too <3 tend to have the same outgoing energy (at least online) as joo

kyunbebes — *sigh* 2/2 of the always barking crew …. I get conflicted about kyunbebes sometimes bc for one side a lot of kyunbebes are really soft for him (like myself) and love all of his quirky aspects that make him so lovely (and it’s okay to thirst for him sometimes <3) but I feel like other kyunbebes are so h*rny for him 24/7 LOL which is fine but hopefully they appreciate him on a more emotional level than just looks 🥺

so that’s my synopsis hehe but again this is just my experience on here and who i’ve crossed paths with, this does not define mbb as a whole at all KDJKFJF

and pls skdjkdjd its so conflicting ulting mx bc we just love all of them 🥺🥺🥺 that’s why i say we’re so lucky staying with mx because they really just are such a great group of guys and u can love and appreciate all of their lil mannerisms as they are a very close knit family and <3 just love them a lot <3

#asks #delightfuljellybeanmuffin #again sorry this is late :( and PLS don’t be sorry for long asks like I said !!! 🥺💖

8 notes · View notes

orbitariums · 4 years

Text

𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝟒)

part three

note - i wanna thank everyone for reading once again! i'm currently in the process of writing imagines, those will be posted throughout the week, i don't want to clog up my blog bc i want y'all to see this chapter!

this one switches pov a lil more frequently, so bear with me <3 also not as smutty as other chapters, this is more of an emotionally-charged chapter!!! still a teensy bit smutty thooo. i want to make it clear that while this fic is definitely rooted in smut & sex & sex work, it is not porn without plot & will not ONLY be smut as i put effort and time into plot development / character development! i'm sure y'all know that tho. there will be conflict, there will be plot!!! i feel like that's clear already but there's discourse on smut happening rn and i wanna voice myself! omg anyways luv y'all enjoy the reaaad <3

new taglist!

playlist

word count - 8.3k

warnings - age gap, sex work, smut, vibrator, ANGSTYYY like hella dramatic, dirty talk

That slight shift that you and Steve both felt, that happiness that you realized came from talking to one another, only lasted so long... for you. You could hardly sit in your feelings about your situation with Steve before another thing that occupied all your time came crashing down upon you. Except this time, the thing brought you no such happiness or curiosity.

You had spent almost your entire senior year working on a special lab project about drought tolerant plants in Southern California where you lived and went to school, and your professor was making completing your project incredibly hard for you. And you felt incredibly stressed out about the entire situation - not only was the project necessary to graduate, but it was your heart and soul for the past year. Now, your professor was basically saying it was "ineligible."

"Ineligible?" Aaliyah repeated after you, after you told her what your professor had said.

"Whatever the hell that means," you huffed as you power walked down the street, hand in hand with Aaliyah, your free hand holding a coffee.

"That's so fucking annoying, holy shit," Aaliyah pressed a hand to her forehead. "He had the whole year to talk to you about changing your topic and...”

"And he never did," you sighed, frowning. You settled down onto a bench where the two of you sat next to each other, staring out into the busy streets and sipping your iced coffees.

California was a beautiful place, and you were a native, you'd lived there all your life. You knew the ins and outs of your city, knew Southern California like it was your backbone. And you loved it here - loved the sun, the beaches, the way the people were either shady in the best way or incredibly friendly. You'd never really known any other place like you knew this place. You were just glad that if you had to be stressed, you could do so in California.

Aaliyah pouted, feeling for you. She placed her hand on your knee to be comforting,

"Babe..."

"It's okay," you sighed. You sucked it up, like always, because you had learned how to fend for yourself ever since you realized that depending on others could only lead to downfall. You would figure this out the same way you figured everything else out... on your own. You figured out your house on your own, your job, your finances.

"Is it, though?" Aaliyah pursed her lips and squinted at you. Despite how much you tried to fend for yourself, Aaliyah was always there for you. She was one of your biggest supporters.

"I'll just keep visiting during his office hours and work this out."

Aaliyah rolled her eyes,

"Men are so annoying, girl. You know what, he probably wants to fuck you. With your fine ass. That's why he's doing all this."

You chuckled, shaking your head and covering your mouth, trilling back in response,

"Okay girl, don't get too ahead of yourself."

"I'm serious! Men are evil. Oh, except your fave."

You made a face, nearly choking on your iced coffee. This was news to you,

"Who are we talking about?"

"You know," Aaliyah sang slightly, nudging you and leaning against your shoulder. "Mr. Won't Show His Face."

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, but bit down on your straw with a knowing smile, eyes peeking out over the top of your shades. If you were being honest, this idea of Steve, whoever he really was, had been a fun thing to entertain during this period of stress. You'd been talking and engaging with him for two and a half weeks now, and the connection you two had was undeniable.

But you knew better - maybe he wasn't just another customer, because you could really talk to him and felt like he was real - then again, he was strictly a customer. You liked him, a lot, but you couldn't like him any more than you already did. That would be dangerous and silly, and create unrealistic expectations. It wasn't like you could go on dates or anything.

Still, talking to him (and performing for him) did help to distract you from your stress, at least for a small amount of time. Steve was becoming less shy, less inhibited. He cracked jokes and was starting to keep up with your innate sense of sexuality, starting to navigate you, find you the way a bee might find its nectar, hidden deep inside the curvatures of a flower.

If you were a flower, you'd probably be a sunflower - bright, yellow, almost always in a positive mood, or at least trying to keep yourself in a positive mood. More than that though, sunflowers were tall and looming - you felt like that represented your put togetherness and how hard you worked, how smart you were. Only sometimes it was hard to keep yourself up and tall, but you always did it, time and time again.

But when it came to Aaliyah's comments about Steve, she mostly just made you laugh.

"Haven't seen him yet, have you?" Aaliyah asked, raising her brows expectantly.

"No. And I'm fine with that. He's simply another very loyal customer who I happen to like."

"Hm," Aaliyah hummed, and you could tell her mind was up to something - some very wishful, and mischievous thinking.

"What are you up to?" you narrowed your eyes at her and glared at her, and she just shook her head with a lazy smile,

"Nothing. Just thinking that maybe it would be cool if he really was this really hot guy that you actually knew and he wasn't creepy and y'all... you know... started dating. Just to get your mind off a lot of crap. I know, I know, strictly against the rules, blah blah blah. No feelings for customers, it's basic shit. But in a perfect world..."

"I know," you sighed without thinking, sipping at your drink.

"You know?" Aaliyah questioned, surprised.

You shrugged,

"So I've thought about it. Except, you know, in a perfect world, I'd meet a guy like Steve in like, a farmer's market or something. Not on my shady ass cam shows."

Aaliyah snorted laughing, and at the sound of her laughter, you joined in.

You continued,

"I mean, not Steve exactly, because that would be weird. I just mean, a guy like Steve."

"You mean a guy who makes you feel the same way he makes you feel," Aaliyah corrected you, and you glared at her again, pushing her gently.

"Don't push it," you teased, but you meant it - you might have liked Steve, but that was all there was to it - you liked him, he was a distraction. And maybe even that was too much.

✺ ✺ ✺

As for Steve, he thoroughly enjoyed his time with you. He thought constantly about how you made him feel, how much he looked forward to talking to you. How everyday, his worry about your situation becoming more serious dissipated slowly. He could feel himself easing into you, everything that made up this character you created called Moonrose. Conversation seemed casual, like you knew each other in real life, it felt easy, and there was no pressure.

As for your connection, he had finally acknowledged that it was real, and more than either of you had wanted to realize at first. But now, there was no shame, no worry in acknowledging what the two of you had, because you were both smart enough to keep it at this level. It was like a shallow pool. There would be no drowning.

He mostly talked to Bucky about you when it came to the emotional aspect of it. He still feared that if he talked to Tony, it might come across as an issue, and might put a pause on what he had with you. But everyone noticed how different Steve was acting. Even without the phase he had gone through where he was sexually frustrated and angry, he still acted different.

Lighter on his feet, more smiley. And he was always on top of his work. You weren't distracting him from his duty, so that made the fact that he knew you had a unique connection with him more bearable. Because of you, he was learning to worry less. To have a little more fun.

It was a bright day that week, the sun filtering in through the large windows of the meeting room where everyone was gathered. Steve was engaging in some mindless conversation with Sam and Bucky in which they were debating whether or not pineapple belonged on pizza.

"No. I'm not sure why everyone keeps trying to put all these twists on pizza. It's pizza," Bucky scoffed, Sam rolling his eyes as a result.

"You're just closed off. With your old ass," Sam retorted, and Steve made a face. Sam raised his hands up in surrender. "You know what I mean. What about you Steve?"

Honestly, Steve had never even tried pineapple on pizza and he didn't understand why there was such a big fuss about the banal question.

"I don't really have an opinion," he shrugged, not expecting Sam and Bucky to start clamoring over him and trying to force him to pick a side.

Before he even got to grasp the situation, he felt Natasha patting his shoulder,

"Hey, mind if I use your laptop? Mine's gone haywire, don't really feel like messing with it right now."

"Yeah," Steve agreed without a second thought, setting his laptop on the table and letting Natasha handle it- she was better with tech stuff than he ever was.

Natasha would use his laptop to showcase some data and start off their morning. It seemed innocent enough —a simple, barely impacting sacrifice. But Steve clearly hadn't thought everything through, because the moment Natasha logged in and hooked up Steve's computer to the holographic projector, more than just data appeared on the screen.

In fact, a whole array of women, all of them engaging in various sexual acts or preparing themselves to, showed up on the screen. And at the top, where the browser was, were the words "girlsonfilm.com."

Steve hadn't noticed all the clamor, too busy thinking (thoughts of you and thoughts of work), until Bucky called it to his attention.

"Steve," he nudged him frantically, his voice a loud whisper.

When Steve looked up at the screen, his face couldn't have gone any redder. He hadn't thought about this at all, and he had clearly forgotten to close out his browser. His heart sunk all the way to his stomach - because it wasn't just Natasha seeing this, it was everybody. And that included Tony, who was glaring pointedly at Steve from the head of the table. Meanwhile, all the others were too busy heckling Natasha and making brash comments about what was appearing onscreen. To Steve's relief, your face didn't show up, but this just might have been worse than only your screen appearing.

"Woah, Nat, I didn't know you got down like that!" Sam hooted, cupping his mouth with his hands.

Natasha, though she was in shock as well, rolled her eyes,

"This is Steve's laptop."

Now a hush, then another clamor of confusion and heckling, all directed towards Steve. He couldn't recoil any more, feeling the pangs of embarrassment as his eyes flashed between every one of his teammates. He felt as if there were an asteroid approaching fast, and he was right where it would land, too slow to move out of its way.

"Steve, what do you know about 'girls on film'?" Sam nearly cackled, reading the name of the site.

Steve sighed deeply, locking eyes with Natasha as he mouthed "turn it off" to her.

"I am, I am," she ensured him, quickly disconnecting the laptop from the projection, unplugging completely.

A beat passed, everyone staring expectantly at Steve, who was staring down at the table, trying to process his own thoughts. Like for starters, why didn't he log out the last time, and why didn't he remember to log out? And then his mind went to deeper places. He hadn't been intentionally secretive with his actions, but he had been intentionally private. It had to do with his own growth, he was learning how to navigate a world that was new to him and somehow helping him at once. He didn't want to have to share this with everyone, it was nice having this to himself, he had no intentions of revealing what he had been doing in his past time that made him so happy.

One of the reasons he didn't want everyone to know about his situation was because he didn't want to have to be concerned with what everyone else might think. Because to begin with, being on a site for cam shows wasn't exactly everyone's idea of what Captain America might be up to these days.

It was a matter of his image, what values he was supposed to hold. This didn't exactly match, and Steve had just gotten over the idea that he was a bad, sneaky person because of what he chose to indulge in. At least here he knew it was ethical and not causing harm to you as a human being.

He also didn't want to have to deal with the insufferable questioning and teasing his team would put him through, or the judgment he thought they might put him through. He felt embarrassed, exposed, and like he had been ill prepared for a situation like this. He was just grateful they hadn't seen more, because that would've been a disaster. What they had seen was only at the surface level of what he'd been doing.

But his thinking was interrupted by Tony's voice, which broke through all the silence, and made Steve realize again the eyes that were on him.

"Well, jig's up," Tony sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Care to explain?"

Steve locked eyes with Tony, as if hopeful that he wouldn't have to, but he knew it was best for him to just spit it out. Tony shrugged apologetically, and Steve took in a deep sigh, looking around at everyone at the table.

"What was that?" Scott whimpered, probably the most distraught by what they had all seen.

Steve nodded solemnly and began to explain himself. He would tell the truth, but that didn't mean he had to tell them everything. You would be left out of this, if anything. He'd just explain to them that sometimes, duty calls - and sometimes, it's not at all work-related.

✺ ✺ ✺

It was just hours before your cam show when another disaster struck, the first one being the fact that your professor was giving you shit about your project. You were in the bathroom, getting ready for your show, fixing your hair up and doing your makeup, laying out an outfit, doing all the things you did to feel pretty before a show.

Your phone lay beside you on the bathroom table, pinging with messages every now and then. You ignored it, leaning closer into the mirror to get a look at your lipstick, dabbing your fingers into the pigment on your lips.

You smiled, feeling that gratifying sense of achievement. Despite what was going on with your professor, you felt like you were doing well in life. You usually had a positive mindset, enjoyed your work although you sometimes felt as if you were buried deep in all your occupations: student, office worker, cam girl, designer, young woman. Your life was never dull, and you wouldn't trade it for anything. Talking to Steve helped too, but it was more than that.

But that sense of satisfaction all seemed to dissolve when you looked down at your phone, and saw a text from an unsaved number, glaring bright on your glowing lock screen of you hiking with Aaliyah. Still, you recognized it immediately.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

I miss you. Text me back.

✺ ✺ ✺

Steve wasn't exactly keen on joining your live show today, but he did so anyway, because he still had time to himself despite the spiral of events that had happened earlier. There was nothing else to do, and he didn't want to miss out on you after attending almost all of your shows for the past almost three weeks. Didn't want to just leave unexpectedly.

It felt strange that he felt this tug of commitment, but he brushed it off. He was just fulfilling his needs, which should even be expected of him. He was stressed again, after being caught up like he was. And maybe that was all the more reason not to watch your show tonight, but he wouldn't devoid himself of the simple pleasures of life. He'd learned that lesson a while ago, from a special someone called Moonrose.

After everything transpired, he explained himself calmly to his team, slowly to ensure that they'd understand that this wasn't the beginning of a deviant phase, that he wasn't throwing away his work responsibilities to lurk on the NSFW side of the internet. Not that they ever thought that to begin with, they never questioned his abilities or his authority for a minute, not even in the midst of what they'd seen that had shocked them.

This was the product of Steve's own insecurities and his admittedly silly fear that he was somehow letting his team down. He told them that he was on the site, as recommended by Tony, to relieve some "frustration" that he felt he didn't have the time or the means to release in real life. He said that while it had helped him do that, he wasn't throwing away his responsibilities, nor was he dependent on the site or the things on it, or the people on it for that matter.

He knew that if they knew about you, all those private sessions, all those conversations you'd had, the connection you had built between the two of you, it might be a different story. But because they didn't, they appreciated his honesty. They were confused, it didn't seem like the kind of thing Steve would be into, and he ensured them that it was a shock to him as well.

But they didn't mind on the whole, it was just a shock to everyone at first. They didn't think it called for a meeting, thought it was almost humorous how serious Steve was being about such a trivial situation. Wanda had joked about how we've all been there, Thor denied ever having to do such a thing because: "I have all the romantic partners anyone could ask for. I could introduce you Steve, but these Asgardian women are fiery, far beyond anything I believe you could handle." In the end, Steve was relieved, felt like it didn't have the disastrous outcome he'd been expected.

But he could feel his guard slowly coming back up. That was a close call, and it was a little too close for comfort. He didn't want to disregard you, but he couldn't afford to sink further in, and get his team involved. He just didn't want to face the consequences he could imagine if they knew how much he decided to stick with you, how much you talked, how it was teetering off the range of normal customer to cam girl interaction.

It wasn't like he was careless when it came to his interactions with you, but he also didn't want his team to know about his business when it came to you. He didn't want them thinking he was engaging too much, didn't want it to get to the point where he was worrying again or felt like he needed to deny himself such wonderful feelings.

All these things were on his mind while he waited for your live show to start. When it did, and he saw your face, he felt a little bit alleviated. Just for now, he could have this fantasy to himself. If they knew about the site, so be it. At least he had you to himself.

"Hey guys," you mustered a smile, waving to the camera.

Unbeknownst to your viewers, you had spent the past few hours off camera panicking, on the verge of tears, calling Aaliyah frantically so she could help calm you down. That text from that mysterious unknown number had been from your ex's number. The same ex who made you fall into dependency patterns that you worked so hard to get out of, the one who made you feel like you had to work for his love. Like it wasn't something you deserved, just like anyone else.

You had worked so hard to finally wring out all the effects of him, all the bad habits you had fallen into because of him. That was part of the reason why you worked so hard. Not because you were actively avoiding him specifically, but because you were actively bettering yourself. You weren't looking for a relationship. But you knew that if you were in one now, the same things would never happen to you.

When you got that text, it triggered a flood of memories. Feelings you had to work to suppress and actually get over for months so you wouldn't fall back into the same desperate, needy patterns when it came to your relationships with people. All over a simple text from someone you hadn't heard from in almost a year. It hurt you how easy it was to get you to crack, even if you didn't spill out all the way. But on top of the added stress because of school, you were damn close.

You would do the show tonight, anyway. It helped you to escape, although Moonrose was a part of you, it didn't one hundred translate into real life. So in a way, this helped you escape real life. Just for a while. Just like Steve.

You grinned when you saw concerned comments from your watchers:

johnGuy182

Are you okay, moonrose? You seem a little sad.

zenongirl

Girl r u ok? i missed seeing your face!!!

"Guys, I'm okay," you grinned. And you actually felt better seeing comments from your supporters. It reminded you to cheer up - they were looking for a good show, not a sob story. You leaned back, revealing your stomach in the sheer, sparkly fringed bra you chose to wear (another piece you had designed by yourself). "It's been a looong day."

Steve watched silently, observing your behavior. He didn't notice drastic changes, but you did appear less chipper. Then again, he brushed it off. He didn't expect you to be smiley all the time, you were human too, and this was your work.

"But I'm okay," you reassured, giving that signature grin, genuine and charming and alluring. You were trying to gently distract yourself, get into your act. "I hope you're all just as lovely as I am. I have a special game for you today."

You directed your viewers to your spinning wheel, which you had been working on crafting that week for a game. You grinned as you spinned it. Each act on the wheel cost a certain amount of tokens, and by the end of the game you would garner a bunch of funds. The show went by relatively quickly as you played the game, eventually ending up completely naked.

As ordered by the spinning wheel, you were to use a vibrator. You held it against your clit at the highest setting as you watched the numbers of viewers and the tokens jump up, Steve watching as he stroked himself leisurely. Your legs shook as you restrained yourself from your orgasm so as to increase the length of your showtime, garner more coins to encourage you to come.

"Mm," you moaned, massaging the vibrator against your clit, getting wetter and slicker by the minute, sliding the toy between your folds. You laughed, breathless. "Fuck, this thing is so powerful. Someone make me come, please make me come. Just a few more tokens for me to come for you."

Steve was hesitant, but he decided to go ahead and give you the amount of tokens you needed. And when you heard the chime of the tokens being added to your account, and saw the name it was attached to, it was like a blast of euphoria. When your legs started to shake, when you started to moan and your stomach started to rise up and down, it was genuine. It was like you were back in a private room with him, although you weren't.

Your orgasm was blood-curdling in the best way, and you felt like you were releasing part of the stress of the past day, the past week. It didn't get any realer than this, once again you felt like he was really there to satisfy you.

"Oh!" you exclaimed, your mouth dropping open and your blood flowing, moaning. "Yes, Steve, I'm coming for you. Thank you for making me come, Steve!"

Steve had been stroking himself along with you as he watched, and only let himself come now that you had come, his cheeks heating up as he heard you moan his name, something he hadn't been expected. Something about you saying his name like that where everyone could hear, even though he enjoyed the intimacy of private rooms, felt victorious. It felt lewd, salacious, but he couldn't help but enjoy that aspect of it. He moaned through grit teeth while he came, stroking himself to completion.

You came down, thanking everyone for attending and ending the show. But it wasn't long after that you had requested Steve for a private chat. He accepted, because he had gotten used to you doing this a little more frequently. It didn't scare him any more, he just thought of it as making conversation, taking advantage of this connection you had with each other. So when you requested, who was he to say no.

When the chat log opened, you put on your best happy face for Steve, trying to conceal how fatigued this week, today in particular, had made you. But your tired, bleak voice gave it all away, buried deep beneath your smile,

"Hey, Steve."

Steve was surprised at the sound of your voice. Again, while he understood that you wouldn't be a happy go lucky fairy like personality all the time, he wasn't expecting this. You were smiling, but the weariness in your eyes was hard to miss. And your voice, which usually told light hearted tales, sounded worn down as if from tragedy. He was concerned, his eyebrows furrowed gently,

"Hi. How are you?"

"I'm good!" you exclaimed, trying your hardest to really sound "good."

But you were just tired. Tired and sad, and scared - scared of what the future had to hold. You were already dealing with school stress, and the text from your ex-boyfriend was like a bad omen, an anxiety-provoking assurance that things actually would not get better and they would in fact get progressively worse. You weren't even sure why you thought you should be talking to Steve if you were tired and just wanted to sleep off the weight of the week. It would be a weekend tomorrow, and one of your very rare days off.

Maybe you figured that you wanted to talk to him despite your fatigue, because conversation with Steve was a nice distraction. You had let yourself forget that this was still your job, and that you were too tired for anything sexual — you knew he liked talking to you, but you hadn't put into consideration the fact that he might request a sexual act from you. You would be burnt out if he did. The fact that you didn't think about that should've been telling, but your brain was too scattered to think straight.

Anyway, Steve called your bluff, and laughed quietly, his voice inquiring and pressing,

"How are you really?"

That was all it took to get a deep sigh to come from out of you, all it took to allow yourself to show your true feelings, at least the surface of them, what you felt comfortable showing a customer. You felt a sense of relief and gratefulness for Steve, like he was letting you breathe. And if anything, he especially wasn't enlisted to listen to your problems. But he wanted to, and for that you felt foolishly grateful.

Steve noted the deep sigh that came from out of you, and he frowned slightly. He could tell you had been holding this in for a while, and some part of him felt remorse for the fact that even though you clearly weren't in the right mindset, you went on and did your show anyway. He felt some guilt for being a part of the reason why you did your show.

You answered, allowing your voice to be as honest as possible.

"Honestly?" you chuckled a little, albeit bitterly. "I don't know if you really want to hear me rant to you."

Steve shook his head.

"Don't be silly," he grinned. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to."

You felt a warm rush in your chest from the reassurance, and the corner of your lip quirked up in a small smile, before you decided to dive in. You'd spare the emotional details, spare your private life. But it would be nice to talk to someone, just about the general things, right?

"Well, it's been a pretty stressful week, honestly. I mean, school's been the main source of my stress. My professor's such an asshole, he's basically been telling me my entire senior project, which I need to complete to graduate, needs to be redone? And I can't even fathom how I would have enough time to do that with like, two and a half months left of my senior year. I mean, he said I can keep most details, but I'd have to rework it, whatever that means."

You kept your emotions at bay, sighing in annoyance just at the story you told, because it really was irritating you. But then you felt deeper things, even more went into why you really were upset.

Steve nodded, just listening. He was prepared to offer advice, but in your situation, he thought that maybe just letting you rant would be best.

"That's gotta be annoying," he shook his head understandingly. "Whatever your project is, I'm sure it's wonderful. He shouldn't be forcing you to rework it or make any last minute changes."

"I know!" you nearly jumped up, feeling amped up now. "And it's just so fucking annoying because I work so hard and I'm really passionate about this project and it just feels like..."

It felt like you were about to overflow, like a pot of water that had been left on for too long. You were ranting almost uncontrollably now, maybe because of the fact that it was more than this that was tugging at you. Because you'd been carrying the weight of your life on your shoulders all the time, like Atlas carrying the sky, and it felt like that weight was finally starting to mean something.

Steve could see you were unraveling and he let you, he let you take the time you needed to feel everything you had been holding. If your connection was strong, it was at its strongest here. Sure, you and Steve chatted about a little bit of everything, even had deeper conversations here and there as the weeks went by. But you had yet to genuinely complain to him, because every time you spoke with him, you were happy go lucky Moonrose, with nothing to complain about to begin with. But now, you needed a release by any means, and you were just glad Steve was there for you, even if he wasn't really there. How unlike you to unfold in front of strangers.

Your breath stuttered as you took in a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm down, only further driving yourself into your rambling. You felt yourself tear up, your voice becoming watery as you continued,

"It just feels like all my work is turning to shit, and it's so fucking frustrating because I work so hard all the time, I do so much and I manage so much all the time."

The "hard work" you were talking about wasn't just school and work-related, it pertained to your journey, and how hard you had worked to be a better person. To support yourself. The emotions pent up inside of you, they were more than just being upset over a school project. The idea of someone toxic trying to re-enter your life, someone who had forced you to rework the entirety of your life, made you feel like you were on the verge of crashing. You knew better, but you didn't want to return to those dark days, where the light at the end of the winding tunnel that was your relationship seemed so far away. It was why you were so weary of relationships today. It was crazy how one person could change your life so easily.

Now you were crying, before you even noticed that you were crying. Tears just seemed to leak out of your eyes, sloshing wet and sudden against your cheeks and underneath your lashes. You wiped them away quickly with the back of your hand, frazzled at the fact that you were crying in front of a customer right now. Steve said he'd listen to you, he didn't say he'd watch you cry and be your therapist. You instantly regretted it, although you couldn't stop yourself, tears threatening to emerge again. If you were cracked before, you were spilling now.

Steve was surprised too, at the fact that you were crying. You appeared so put together to him, it was almost something he didn't expect from you. He was in shock at first, so much so that professionalism was not on his mind - it was an afterthought. Right now, instead of wondering if this was appropriate, he was occupied with you.

"I'm sorry," you murmured, but you still hadn't stopped, tears falling out as you blinked. Composure was nothing now, you were sobbing, your shoulders slumped and your head hung as you sniffled. Still you enforced control, wiping away every tear that fell with the back of your hand. "I'm really sorry, I don't mean to cry to you over this, that's so-"

Steve cut you off, shaking his head slowly,

"It's okay to cry, doll. We all have those days. I know better than anyone that we all have those days."

You mustered a smile, feeling cared for, feeling accounted for by someone who wasn't even obligated to have to see you like this. Still you shook your head, sniffling,

"I know. But it's-it's stupid, I shouldn't be crying in front of you."

"I'm not judging you," Steve said, so nonchalantly and firmly, so genuine that it almost scared you.

You blinked. He should've cared, and he should've judged you. To cry in front of Steve, a customer, was to imply he had some duty to comfort you when he probably just wanted a show. You knew that you didn't have to do anything you didn't want to, but even you had rules when it came to what your customers got to see, and to you, that meant they didn't have to deal with your blues.

"Really?"

"Really," he reassured you with a nod.

Was Steve scared that by giving you this reassurance, this entire situation could become deeper than either of you could handle? Yes. But did he let himself shut down because of those pervasive thoughts that he might get himself into trouble? No. He didn't see you as a liability right now. Right now, even though the situation was certainly questionable (and this was something he had no doubt about. When emotions get into the mix, things could get tricky- he knew this), he saw you as someone who desperately needed someone to talk to. Maybe it wasn't smart of you to make him that someone, but regardless, he was, and who was Steve Rogers not to listen to a person in need?

You blinked away the last of your tears and swallowed hard. You were making this choice consciously, to tell Steve what had really gotten you to your breaking point. And maybe telling him meant you had trust in him, maybe too much trust for someone who, while great, was still a customer. But you felt like there was nothing you could lose from telling him. Maybe you'd even feel better after the fact.

You looked down, picking at the body glitter on your arm that you had applied before the show. Your voice was considerably quieter now perhaps because you were looking back on the moment with a clear mind for the first time since it happened. You hadn't been thinking straight ever since you received the text just hours ago. Now your brain was a little quieter with the help of your tears and Steve's reassurance.

"I think that the stress of this school project is making me resent how hard I work for everything, just to be met with this kind of result, you know? And it's even worse when... things seem to be going backwards. You know, like when you make so much progress, moving on from things that don't serve you, and you've finally done it and you get to flourish in it and then, it just gets taken away from you. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but that's just how this feels."

Steve nodded, his jaw ticking as he let your words settle in. Somehow, although your situation was so different from his, he felt like your words perfectly described how he felt with the world sometimes. It was even part of the reason he'd held off on talking to you like this, held off on getting too involved. He too had made so much progress in this world, which took so much getting adjusted to in a way that absolutely nobody else could relate to.

It was a world that he didn't even know, a world that he had never been properly introduced to. He'd had to fend for himself. He did his healing on his own, just like you had. And yet sometimes it felt like he had no control, like the universe was going the opposite way of all his plans. Then he felt stupid for even having plans to begin with, because in life, making plans was like comedy for the gods.

There was a weird feeling in his chest and stomach, like he'd been stabbed with a gutting realization, and the knife was just turning inside of him, churning his insides. He began to feel a sense of unease, because this deep conversation was beginning to feel incredibly personal. Even though you were talking about your own situation, he couldn't help but think about how much he resonated, and the fact that he felt like he could relate to you on such a deep level scared him. This was more than the conversations you'd had before, more than the simple similarities you and Steve shared. This felt like a conversation that might be too telling for his good and your own.

He swallowed his words as he listened to you continue. You chose your words carefully, but you had shed yourself of your inhibitions when it came to being truthful.

"Earlier... I heard from someone I hadn't heard from in a long time. And it kind of pushed me over the edge," out of your mouth stumbled a laugh. You were calmer now, and looked up at the camera, Steve swallowing hard when you did so. It was all so real, just like it was when you touched yourself and moaned Steve's name. "I think it just made me feel all those things I just explained. Because I feel like I worked so hard to rid myself of this person and them trying to come back just feels like all the things I worked so hard on are going to unravel. Even though I know they aren't, it feels like a setback. And that was like, the icing on the cake to this already terrible day, I guess."

You let out a breathy laugh and smiled gently, shaking your head slowly.

"I normally wouldn't be telling this to a customer. But here we are. Again, I'm sorry... I feel like I shouldn't have said anything? Should I... have said anything?"

In the brief silence that followed your question, both you and Steve were thinking the same thing - were you going to regret this? Intimacy both physically and emotionally was good when you capped it at what you both knew to be appropriate. When it came to the physical aspects, you each let your fantasies unwind.

And on the emotional aspect, though you had both grown closer and more open, some things just didn't get touched upon. But now you had just cried over the screen, and spoke from the depths of your heart. It was scary to open up in such an uncertain situation where your own privacy was an aspect that got involved. There was no doubt that it was too much. It was just a question of whether the result would be negative.

Steve sighed deeply, a crease forming in his forehead as he furrowed his brows together, folding his arms over his chest.

"I don't know..." he trailed off, took a breath, a leap, his body practically lurching forward. "But... it can't be a bad thing that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, can it?"

And there it was, that glint of hope he was trying his hardest to conceal. That feeling he got when he got off that call with you, the one where you both started giving into those unspoken thoughts. That this couldn't be so bad, that you could enjoy each other's company without worrying.

You smiled gently,

"I guess. It does feel weird though, it's not something I normally do. It feels like something I shouldn't be doing."

You could hear Steve breathing in deeply, and for a moment, you imagined what he might look like, envisioning the outline of a troubled face, eyebrows knit together. You snapped back to reality and made a face, confused by your abrupt thoughts. You had long gotten over the very brief desire to see Steve's face- why was it coming back again?

"I'll be honest, same here," Steve agreed with your sentiments.

"Do you always feel like you have to restrain what you say when you talk to people? Or is it just with me?" you added that last part in a quiet voice, biting your lip.

Steve chuckled briefly,

"Are you asking me if I have trust issues? Because I'd tell you, but I'd have to trust you to do that."

You shook your head and laughed at Steve's stupid joke, and shrugged.

"I could say the same thing, I think. This person I heard from earlier is... I developed those trust issues because of them. Or, my already existent trust issues became worse. But what's funny about it is that this person was once someone that I loved," even as the words were coming out you questioned why you were letting them, why you were allowing yourself to be so truthful in a situation like this at a time when you were so vulnerable.

Steve didn't reply, again feeling that sick feeling in his stomach that stemmed from his fear. The fear that this conversation were too serious, fear surrounding the fact that he was able to relate so much to such a personal situation of yours.

You spoke again, daring to ask the question that felt like a final blow to Steve's stomach,

"Have you ever been in love, Steve?"

Now Steve knew he was in uncharted territory. Not because he feared you might try to exploit him, but because he was so struck by the fact that he had allowed himself to feel so safe with you and get so close to you. He was surprised at himself for letting you feel safe enough to have these kinds of conversations with him. It all felt like a mistake now. He wanted a way out, any way out. He knew if he even attempted to answer that question, he would be making a big mistake. He had shared some of his most intimate moments with you, but always keeping in mind a very sharp line he didn't want to be crossed.

And in his mind, he thought of the one love he'd had, the one love that hadn't been fulfilled because of the situation he had been thrown into, one he had never signed up for. He thought of how the things he cared most for in life had been discarded, how, like you, he felt like it had gone to shit. How sometimes, though he tried his best to be grateful and had taken that journey of self-healing just like you, it all felt like some sick joke.

Could he even call it love? He wasn't sure. And he wasn't going to answer. He wasn't going to answer at all, because he wouldn't be talking to you again. There would be no chance for this dilemma to resurface, not with you, not on this site. He made the decision with haste and a heavy heart - he was done here.

The discomfort was well evident in his voice, answering loud and clear, though his voice was morose and a bit closed off. You sensed the shift immediately.

"I... I can't talk about that right now. Listen, I have to go."

You felt a pang in your chest at the sudden switch in his demeanor, straightening up and trying not to frown. All this time you had been letting the words spill out, telling yourself not to worry so much, reassuring yourself it was okay to make your feelings known. Now it felt like you should've never said anything at all. You started to stammer.

"Oh, I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, I was just... I feel like I got a little overwhelmed." You laughed nervously. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Steve felt his throat ran dry as he blinked, feeling emotions come up to surface that he wasn't quite familiar with. Maybe he was grieving in advance, regretting the decision he was making to no longer speak with you, regretting the fact that he was letting fear get in the way of what he wanted so badly to be a good thing.

"No, I'm sorry. I feel like I let things go too far," Steve apologized, but the apology felt more like an insult.

Was he implying that whatever this was, you couldn't handle it, and that it was his fault for somehow leading you on? You had both made the connection with each other, it was an equal effort. And why was he acting like the two of you communicating at all was somehow below him, somehow a risk? If anything, you were the one risking it just by talking to him the way you did. You were opening up to him.

You almost felt betrayed - you had convinced yourself that he wouldn't want to listen to your problems and you told yourself it wasn't his responsibility to listen. And then he listened anyway, told you that he wanted to hear it, and you cried to him. You felt like you had made so many unusual accommodations just for him to scare off like this. He was just another person you had expressed your feelings to, only to regret it in the end.

"Too far?" you questioned, furrowing your brows.

Steve swallowed. In your voice he could hear a hint of frustration, but even worse- hurt. It pained him more than he cared for you to know.

"I don't think we should talk anymore," he said instead.

"What?" you were taken by surprise. "Steve, I'm... I'm not understanding. I... I don't usually open up to people like this, I mean, I thought maybe it was fine here, because I feel like I know you. But you're still a stranger. I understand you're a customer but I thought we were talking, I thought we broke through that wall-"

"We did. And we shouldn't have," Steve said, his voice so calm and firm that it was almost cold.

By now you were just staring into the computer camera, as if you were looking at him and waiting for him to come to his senses. But as you did that, you slowly came to your own. Because you weren't looking at him. You were looking at a black screen with his voice behind it. You realized you hadn't known Steve, not enough to talk about these things. And just like him, you too were full of regret. You kept all those walls up for the sake of customer relations, only to put them down and be met with this disastrous result.

Steve almost couldn't bare to look at your face anymore. You were confused, hurt. He could tell you regretted the fact that you had opened up. He was hurt too, but he wouldn't show it, or let it overcome him to the point where your methods of communication with each other became something neither of you could control. Still, yes, he was hurt.

But he had been through plenty of hardships in life. What was one more, even if it shouldn't have come to this point anyway?

"I'm sorry, Moonrose. We can't. Goodbye."

Chat over.

#steve rogers #steve rogers imagine #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers reader insert #reader insert #smut #captain america civil war #captain america x reader #captain america imagine #captain america smut #captain america #girls on film #marvel #marvel imagine #marvel smut #marvel reader insert #steve rogers series #captain america series

274 notes · View notes

heyjude19-writing · 3 years

Note

Im the list anon again and boy do I have more for you but this time I also have some questions as well if your time allows and you are willing to answer of course. First with the other things I loved:

1) the fact that Ron warmed up to Draco so quickly! I genuinely think thats so much in character. Ron is not a distrustful person and as a middle child as they come is very easygoing and would for sure make stupid jokes at Draco

2) The patronus. My god the Patronus. I seriously put the phone down and made a small slow clap during that chapter. At first I was like hmmmm *insert unsure kombucha girl face* because almost all fanfics have him with a dragon patronus and leave it at that (and lets be honest at this point my expectations of you were quite high dont blame me blame your bloody brilliant writing) but then, and I dont know if you did this on purpose or not (I have a feeling you did) but the fact that the dragon was the same (pale white) wounded but still feral dragon that Hermione FREEED (!) from a bank (£££) dungeon, malnourished and used for its nature, surrounded by darkness, wealth and misery!! And it was Hermione who broke its chains!!!!! Is just *chefs fucking kiss* slow clap*

3) the way you describe sex scenes are so natural! Ive never read a fanfic or book that doesnt make me gag a little bit (I am not a fan of smut at all but ill go with it because of a good story) until I read yours. Its so simple but yet intricate and you make the entire act so intriguing and normal and intimate. Bravo.

4) I LOVE SASHA. I love that Theo fell for her head over heels and the way you portrayd her reminded me of a friend of mine who works as a sous-chef in London so I always pictured her when reading it!

5) Dracos inner voice is ON POINT. Like I genuinely think you shoud own the rights to that character now.

6) Ill say it again. I love Ginny. You should also own the rights to her character too.

7) my interest for Quiddich (even when reading the books/wathcing the movies) was on par, if not lower than Hermiones. You managed to get me interested in that too so yes another slow clap to you

7.1) Also such a clever career for Draco!! Made si much sense!

Now to some questions

A) What was the deal with Malfoy referring to Ginny as Weasly and refusing to aknowledge her Potter surname. And why did everyone kept correcting him? It was hilarious granted but I wanted to know whether the reason you included this time and time again had to do wih something deeper? Or was this included as just a funny recurring joke?

B) Why did you choose for Draco to have a “fantasy” to produce a patronus and not for example for him to have had to do that after theyd exchanged “i love yous”. Very interesting angle and i liked that it was sort of a loophole to all the ‘death eaters cant have patronuses’ but quite curious on the thought process

C) Why did you opt for Draco to remove his mark? Do you think that stands as reward for him more or for Hermione? Very smart solution by the way

D) if you have the time- Could you please elaborate a tad more on what the soul-bonding means? Why was it so taboo? At furst hand it seems like a very romantic/amazing thing to do with your partner right?

Lastly- Do you ever itch to make a second part to this? And in the most acceptable case that you dont, I always wondered what you had in mind for them in the future- because of the soul bonding thing, you mentioned that the generational curses will be erased, which means I guess that the Malfoys can have more than one child now, and girls as well. (I cannot believe im asking for this as I am the one to avoid any pregnancy fanfics but) do you imagine them with children and if yes, how many? How do they integrate muggle devices(I know youd agree wit me that Hermione would definitively bring some muggle stuff over!) and which devices would Draco really secretly like?

Pleasewriteasecondpartwhereyouelaborateyourthoughtsonthisthankyou.

Ok rant done. :D

List anon! You’re back with another amazing ask. I’ll do my best!

1.) I like to think Ron matured a lot post-war (not enough to stop making terrible jokes, though.)

2.) Regarding your beautiful analysis of my specific dragon breed for Draco’s patronus: How many points would you like for your Hogwarts house of choice? I will add that according to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the Ironbelly’s scales are normally a metallic grey. I will also add that I subscribe more to book canon than movie canon. In the book version of events of the Gringotts escape, Harry breaks the chains and Hermione (with eventual help once the boys catch on) destroys the ceiling so it can have a way out. The partially blind dragon does the rest of the work on its own.

3.) Thank you, that’s very flattering.

4.) Does your friend also get you into fancy restaurants and can they make salted caramel bread pudding???

5.) Thank you, it was one of my favorite aspects of writing this story.

6.) Thank you, she’s so fun to write and flesh out from her book portrayal.

7.) Haha, I felt so validated by that line of dialogue in Cursed Child when Draco tells Harry he wanted to play quidditch professionally, but wasn’t good enough.

Now to some answers:

A.) It’s definitely a recurring joke. It’s up to the reader to interpret Draco’s actions here: is he doing it to be a massive troll? Or is he genuinely not retaining the information of her married name because he considers this fact so unimportant that he does not bother to keep it in his brain? Troll, snob, or both, you can decide!

B.) I’ll address the second part of this first, because it was not intended as a loophole. I 1000% do not understand the “death eaters can’t have patronuses” thing. It makes absolutely no sense. Snape has a Patronus. But beyond that… Umbridge has a Patronus (a cat). If we’re letting that woman have a Patronus, then yeah, I think Draco can cast one. As for the vision that Draco used to conjure it… up to you whether that’s a fantasy or a glimpse of a certain ritual actually working. Draco’s thoughts on the matter: “An image of such striking tangibility that he might have already lived it, or perhaps experienced time in such a way that he lived it now.”

C.) I wanted Draco to have a choice, obviously a recurring theme for him in RN. For my characterization of him, that symbol on his arm causes him nothing but shame and self-loathing (see the end of chapter 36 during his heart-to-heart with Hermione). He’d already exercised almost every known avenue to rid himself of it before Hermione entered his life (he lists these in chapter 44). Hermione already loved him (and has told him so) by the time she’s figured out how to remove it: “I love the man you are today and I will love that man tomorrow, bare forearm or not. I simply wanted you, for once, to have the choice. It’s your body.”

D.) Ooh anon, you are tempting me here. I really hate to be coy, but you might see some future writing on this very topic.

I can at least answer the taboo part: I think soul magic in general (horcruxes, the use of unicorn blood) is quite taboo in the HP universe. As no one knows what happens after death (not even ghosts, Nearly Headless Nick says as much when Harry asks him point-blank in OoTP) I think most magical folk would think the intense ritual (blending magical cores) an unnecessary thing anyway. As Draco explains in chapter 48, since no one actually knows the effects or if it works, it’s considered a bit over-the-top since it’s probably futile anyway. It is also not a Vow with a death component; Narcissa is obviously alive in this story even though Lucius is already dead. I wrote the generational curse protection theory in as a dig at Cursed Child for the way they handled Astoria’s character.

The idea of it I think is romantic, but I will stress it is very dependent upon the intent of the two participants. To quote Draco in chapter 48 again: “To twine one’s soul to another showed a willingness to not only physically tether one’s self during your time here on earth, but to commit to a blending of your magical cores, putting faith in your magic to recognize its bonded counterpart in another life. Should other lives even exist.”

If you re-read Draco’s experience during the bonding ceremony in chapter 51 (starting from this bit: “The cognizance of his own powers never felt sharper, more familiar, but suddenly another power pulsed within to join with his.”) you might find it bears a resemblance to the trajectory of their relationship.

Lastly- I’ve left Draco and Hermione to their wedded bliss. I’ve got nothing planned for them beyond where they are in the final lines of chapter 51. I don’t have that itch to write more into their future because it would feel forced. Draco laid out his two envisioned futures with Hermione in chapter 48 when they discuss having or not having children. They are happy and content in the life they chose together. That’s all I ever wanted for them.

You will see more from this story though. I have an entire series of one-shots and outtakes from the published Remain Nameless timeline that I’ll start posting soon.

Thank you so much list anon! These were fun to answer!

#remain nameless #dramione #list anon #asked and answered

19 notes · View notes

Last Seen Blogs

milaminart

MILAMINART

lometa-longshot

Rule #1: Dont Get Caught

crazyfungi

Hey

kaeddehara

0554330466x

Untitled