#i cant stop myself when i think of food it 'triggers' me and i cant stop thinking about until the dark cloud is so dark it rains

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

#disordered eating thoughts #ed mention #ed no sheeran #tw disordered eating #tw disordered thoughts #bed #bingedisorder #binge eating #weight loss #ednos #pro for me not for thee #tw restriction #ana rant #skinni #thinspi #⭐ve better #i want to ⭐️ve #⭐️ving #not pro just tags #ed thoughts #tw

[gremlin-writes-angst]

Knowing is Safe

984 words

Fandom: Redacted asmr

Couple: Geordi/Cutie

Takes place during the newest Geordi audio(Your boyfriend asks for your trust) So spoilers for that video. It is what I imagine Cutie says and thinks. I plan on doing another part. All of Geordi's lines arent mine I just typed out what was said in the audio.

Words indented like this are Cuties thoughts

Trigger warning: Unhealthy parenting, Implied eating problems, argument, non-consensual mind reading.

Let me know if I missed a trigger.

Please comment and reblog, it lets me know people like my stuff and encourages me to write more!!!!!!

Click here if you want to see more of my work and follow me for more!

Past

“Repeat after mom, Knowing keeps us safe.”

“Knowing keeps us safe.”

“Good. I know I've given you this talk before, but you still haven't learned. We were given this ability, to protect ourselves, and the ones we love. Others believe we just listen in, that our ability is simple. It's not, we are inspectors, we tune into a brain, and we will know all we need, including who wants to hurt us.”

This is stupid, it's just re-

“No”

You looked up at your mom, confused.

“You said you 'd stop reading my mind without asking.”

“I know but as I said, telepathic powers are to protect us. As your mom, I need to be in your mind, as much as possible, to protect you. whether you want me in there or not. Do you understand sweetie?”

You nod, whispering yes in your head. Your mother preferred thoughts over words, she says that they're pure.

Present

“You didn't always have powers, you lived your whole childhood without them, without hearing anyone's thoughts. You were raised in a house where people had magic and you didn't, not at first, not until you were old enough. Didn't that ever make you feel vulnerable, different?”

“All the time, I never had a moment to myself, she was always in my head. But it was a good thing, she always knew when I needed help, and I never had to tell her anything. It was a good thing, that's what she taught me, she protected me, and that's what I want to do for you. I just want to always know you're ok and safe. I don't want to talk about this anymore, I can't.”

“Okay.”

 The oven goes off, and before you can ask Geordi, refuses the food.

“I think I'm going to sleep.”

Your mouth opens but shuts when Geordi specks.

“ Because I'm tired and you don't seem to have much to say anyway, so maybe sleep will  help clear my head a bit”

“Ok, ill- ill sleep on the couch toni-”

"No, I don't want to sleep separately tonight I'm upset but that doesn't mean I want you gone, it's our bedroom, it's our bed, both of us just because, just because I'm hurt doesn't change that. Good night."

And he's gone, leaving you alone, with your thoughts, something you've never been used to. You look down at the dinner he made, letting your thoughts take over.

I can't eat.

but he made it for you.

That was before you hurt him.

But he still loves you.

But he didn't say it.

But he does.

How do you know?

He still wants them.

To use them.

No, he loves them.

Or he's just not cruel enough to kick you out this late.

He loves them.

No h-

Stop, theyre not breathing.

Shit!

breath.

Breath.

Breath.

Good, keep breathing.

Eat, you forgot to pack lunch.

No cant, not hungry.

That's a lie.

Don't want to, not worth it.

Then go to bed.

What bed?

Your bed.

Yours and Geordi's bed.

Not ours anymore.

He said-

Shut up, why am I such a mess, my thoughts aren't like this, there organized.

You love him.

That's not an answer.

Your worried.

Worried, of course I'm worried, I'm always worried about him. He doesn't let me in, and I can't keep him safe from outside.

He doesn't need your protection.

He doesn't need you.

Your worried about losing him.

I'm always afraid of that, nothing in the world is trustworthy.

You worried he'll leave.

You shake your head and decide you need rest. You walk to the couch when you remember that he wants you in his room.

It's your room to.

You hesitantly walk to your bedroom, then back to the kitchen, then back again. You repeat to yourself to breathe as you open the door, you take a deep breath, letting the comforting scent of your partner calm you. 

"Geordi? Are you asl-"

"No, I'm not asleep yet."

You take a few steps, towards the bed, looking at Geordi’s back, so stiff, so uncomfortable, you want him to relax, be happy.

Maybe massage would help.

You think he wants you touching him?

What about snuggling?

Even worse, you'd smother him.

You already do.

I didn't mean to. 

Doesn't matter, he hates you.

He doesn't hate you, he loves you.

How would you know?

Say it, if he says it back-

Then he's just being nice.

no - he's not like that, he tells the truth.

He didn't at the pool party.

You didn't give him the chance.

Shut up. Just say it.

"Geordi? I um I love..."

Come on finish the sentence.

What do you love? Breaking his boundaries?

No.

Then why do you do it.

"I love you to"

See they love you

He's lying.

No, he not.

Check then.

No don't, that'll make things worse.

Only because you'll know the truth, that he doesn't love you and he's disgusted by you.

You enter Geordi’s thoughts, just to get away from your own, but you regret it. He's fighting with himself. Your heart breaks more, he doesn't know if he loves you, and worst you know he has every right to question his love. Even when you leave his thoughts, your thoughts repeat as your back is facing him, but not touching.

“Maybe trying isn't enough”

It isn't.

Then just stop.

Stop trying?

No.

Yes.

Just stop trying and start succeeding.

What?

Don't enter his mind, ever

ever?

Ever. not even if he says it's okay.

But what about his safety?

He’ll still be safe.

But why?

To make him happy.

 But I'll be miserable.

And paranoid.

But he’ll be happy.

He's been hinting at this.

When?

He said you're too used to being in people's minds, so stop.

But that's my job.

Then stop doing it outside your job.

You need the break anyways.

You'll have more energy for work.

There are no cons.

 Okay.

Then it's settled, this power is only for work.

#redacted asmr #redacted angst #redacted geordi #redacted cutie #tw: arguing #knowing is safe

[violetteheaven]

Okay its 1am im gna answer all of these #imnormal😋

1. Cbmi 17.2 WTF🤬

2. I am 158cm / 5’2 i stopped growing a little after my ed developed so im kind of stuck at the height of little me😭

3. Idk but any weird and off putting doll like character my ed will EAT UP (ironic am i right) like just having a sick and off putting weird scary presence

4. Boy idk

5. To be pure and cleaaaan and to distance myself from what ive been in the past, to not be desired by anyone except bf❤️❤️, to have people care idk

6. Nooo not really the closest is like i chew a TON of sweet and greasy shit i crave but i always spit it out so its kind of a “c/s binge” but obvi its not rlly the same

7. They noticed my behaviors at like bmi 23 and acted like i was dying like okay☠️☠️

8. Ballet class, occasional crosstraining, walking and pacing plus currently doing a two week everyday workout challenge loool for fun

9. Not sm but growing up chubby is like🙄🙄🙄 you know what people think abt ur weight

10. Idk but i used to love baking and i still sometimes do it but cant enjoy what i make that much 🤧 but its not rlly a big thing

11. Idk😭 i follow a ton of disordered ppl on here and twt so its hard to say

12. Idk anything

13. Unhealthy😭 (realizing now that this isnt necessarily a disordered question thing)

14. 35kg but its more of a gw atp, maybe 29-32 kg 🤷

15. No because i dont live alone and my meals are often not my choice, and my nutritionist wont let meeee but ive been planning on maybe going vegetarian asap

16. Probably when i was like 13 idk i dont remember 😭

17. Yes #queenana🔥

18. Anything sweeeeet and anything eaten with my bf bahshsh

19. This fine evening😊

20. The parasite diet!!! Or get worse diet or character ones

21. Usually XS-S, eur 34☹️☹️☹️ sizes in genreal are so triggering

22. 42,6kg rn!

23. Idk but I remember being super fascinated with ed content when I was younger 😭 it was hard to find though

24. eating disorders and mental illness should not be promoted!!! But they should be talked about more and there should be more harm reduction and awareness spread

25. Nooo i tried but got caught RIGHT IN THE ACT bahshsh so no not my thing

26. People looking at me worried and wondering if im okay🙁❤️❤️❤️

27. Depends on the people and the food but i try to be normal i do not want people to pay attention to my illness because i am very very normal looking not sick

28. YES because ive always been insecure abt my thighs and hips because theyre veeeery wide and ugly and i just wanna be thin and idk dolly jack skellington

29. Being creepy❤️

30. Boy im not doing all that

Thanks yall😋

#ed bllog #tw ana shit #ed not ed sheeran #tw ana diary #tw disordered eating #anorex14 #ed disorder #tw ed diet #ed di3t

[thoughtfulmentalitything]

teehee ive returned... ok so now im in college and just like I thought, I am not a fan. the academics are fine but theres a decent amount of work all the time and its stressful to me cause it feels never ending. I will do my assignments weeks in advance but it seems to never give me enough time to relax. well not that I can relax at my dorm, my roommates are so annoying and loud and are all messes and project it outward. however, I did stop sh around september 2022 so its been four months since then. but also whenever something happens where another person is upset and takes it out on me or theres a somewhat valid problem I cant help but think about doing it which is normal. but I think its gonna come back soon and im fine with that. it makes me happy. its almost like a form of self care for me cause I can actually get all the bad feeling out of my system and just onto my arm instead. like its fine and I truly think that. anyways another issue though related to how bad my dorm is because of my roommates is that I finally told my parents about how terrible it is and that I dont even sleep there anymore (but I only go back home like once or twice a weekend each month when I have breaks) and I fully am just going home cause I have break or need to catch up on homework... but now they just think im not addressing the issue and not facing my dorm situation which, uh yeah obviously im not going to. when I dont come home on weekends on breaks to get away from the dorm, I just stay at someone else's house or dorm on school days and weekends. like??? I literally do not have the capacity to be there. but now im getting really triggered at home too because I told my parents about my issue... which why are they responding like that. id rather just off myself than have to live at my dorm or home. I really need to sh. I know my living situation issues are temporary but they make me feel really bad and become unproductive and fat. all I do is hide away in my room at my dorm all day when im not out for classes and gorge of fat disgusting pig food. im so fat now. I need to loose weight im always bloated and fat looking. if I was skinny I would at least be 3/4 happy inside my body and the 1/4 of unhappy in caused my external forces that make me upset inside can just be fixed my sh. tbh I need to make my sh not eating and working out too much instead of cutting cause hiding the cuts is so annoying like I dont feel like wearing long sleeves in the summer again. I need to not eat any processed foods and get on track to just have no appetite (I didn't for like a week long time period in the beginning of January). anyways im just really upset now and turning to my venting on here cause I dont want to bother anyone with my problems anymore since clearly telling my parents the most basic issue ever is not being received well. like really. just make you child happy. but nooo they dont know about how suicidal I am and any of my other issues cause I dont tell them. they just dont dress anything either. like I need a breast reduction and my mom was just like well talk about that later... well it is much later now and guess what, still haven't talked about it. id rather just die right now. I cant endure 3 more years of college at the place im going right now. I just cant live in the state I do right now and need to move. everything would be solved. but for now, all I can do is loose 20 pounds and be skinny and smart so I can exist in a physical state thats tolerable to me. I just need a break from everything else though. ok ill probably return later but at least this vent right now stopped me from racing downstairs and picking out a new xacto for a real release. ok bye bye 

[variousincorrectxreader]

Hiii! Can I have an arcane matchup please 🖤

She/her,bi.

I'm 5'6, mixed (half white half black) so I have light tan skin, really short brown curly hair, hazel eyes and glasses.

Personality: I am very empathetic, always trying to keep the people around me happy (even if I'm not in the end) I hate disappointing people so I can over work myself sometimes. Mostly I am kind and polite, but a I get very sassy moments (I can also be very sarcastic). Im also kind of reserved when I first meet someone and it can take me awhile to show my fun, goofy, happy side to them Aquarius, infj I like reading books, writing, listening to music (mostly kpop). I also like to go exploring like in the forest or even abandoned places I also love cooking and baking (more so baking tbh) my favorite song is girls (by girl in red) or sharp objects (by sorn) sometimes I stop in the middle of talking because I think I talk to much (I've been told many times that I do so I just try not to really talk in a way)i play with my hands a lot, I have a really high pitched (idk sorta cute?) sneeze, I can be very clumsy (I literally tripped on air once😂) when I do something scary my hands shaky after I've done the scary thing (if that makes any sense)

Hello there! Sorry for taking so long, I'm just busy with a very important 4 part internal so things are backed up right now, but here it is! I also saw the “I’m 16″ thing in my inbox so it’s fine <3

I pair you with...

Vi! Okay, hear me out. I asked my friend about it, and they said Caitlyn and I initially thought Caitlyn as well. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized you’d probably vibe a lot more with Vi. At first she sorta thought you were weak, but your empathetic nature, and clumsiness got to her, and kinda triggered her “must protect” instinct.

Shes (surprisngly) patient with getting to know you, she knows what its like having a hard time properly opening up, once you begin showing your happy/goody side, she just feels her heart swell

She knows overworking is terrible, so shes pretty stern with you, sometimes forcing you to get rest.

LOVES being snarky with you when it happens, much to the chargin of Caitlyn

girl, shes so keen on trying all the food you make. Please feed her, she will be so happy to test stuff out for you

She notices your shaky hands after going through something really nervewracking/scary, so it doesnt take her long to put the pieces together, she doesnt really know how to help, but she tries anyways, maybe teaching you a breathing technique, or just hugging you till you calm down.

You guys listen to girl in red all the time, theres no convincing me otherwise, she loves the songs, legit will fall asleep in your arms while listening to GIR.

Vi would like dates where you guys go our exploring, but she wont mind if you would rather stay in and just read, shes happy to listen to you rant (Even outside of dates, dont be afraid to talk to her about anything and everyhing!)

She finds it so funny how you seem to be able to trip over anything, but will always catch you/pick you up.

She sometimes throws you over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, you cant change my mind.

She has the sweetest nicknames for you, ones like Cutie, or Nerd, maybe even baby or sweet cheeks (Ekko makes fun of her when he sees her being soft, so does Caitlyn)

LOVES YOUR SNEEZE. She thinks its so cute <3

Girl, she is in LOVE with your hair and glasses. Calls you her nerd

#matchup #arcane #arcane x reader #vi x reader

[stair-case-the-wise]

Mini fic things. Cw/ might upset people who struggled with derealization, other then that I don't things there's anything else that potentially trigger anyone.

First person pov for effectB]

------

Monsters. They live in the head of children, most are make believe, stuffed into a thin wooden wardrobe once they grow out of the stage of believing in the unknown monster they lurk in the shadows waiting for them to belive in them again. I have learned in my 16 and a half years of living that no one believes In monsters forever. No one worries about them lurking in dark at night, no one screams and cry at a strange shadow in their room, or when something moves out of place... At least they shouldn't, logically they shouldn't be afraid. And nither should I, but when I see a glimpse a figure behind me I still jump turning around quickly to find nothing there thinking its only my imagination continueing on with my life as it was until I hear faint footsteps slowly approaching my bedroom I can't help but let my heart raise, i cant stop it from thrubbing against my ribcage and I can't help the way my hands sweat and shake, i cant help when my mind starts to race for answers after something (or someone) starts scratch at the wooden door. "Maybe it was the dog?" I say to myself. "Yeah.. that's right, it was the dog. It has to be.. he just wants new food or some treats." But when I check to see if Walter was sat infront of the door pawing at it and i open it to find nothing there I can help but worry, shake and let a chill run up my spine. "Maybe he went away? Got bored or inpatient and went to my mother to bother her with it instead?" Logically I knew that had to be true but I couldn't stop my mind from racing once again, my stomach fumbling as i thought of other possibilities. It was fine. It was going to be alright. I closed my door and walked back to my bed, the mattress dipping as I sat on the edge. I shook my head and ran my hand through my blond hair. "It's fine tommy" I whispered to myself. "You're fine-" I stoped talking when I heard the sound again, this time louder and more aggressive. It was the scratching again. And it went on and on, the clawing sound never halting. Sweat collected on the back of my neck as I watched the door waiting for something to come through that door, to let its self in, to attack and claw and scratch its way through. I lifted my hand to my neck and wiped the sweat away. I swallowed sharply before I stood. I paused and watched the door, the sound only got louder and more intense. I took one step. It got louder. I took another. It got louder. I took another, and another. It got louder and louder. I took another and another and another. It got louder and louder and louder. I reached the door and the sound was so unbearable I wanted to claw and scratch at my own ears. I wanted it to stop but it didn't! It only got louder. And louder. And louder, it got faster and faster. I needed to open the door I needed to get rid of the monster. I need the sound to just. Stop. I took one last step and slammed the door open. My eye go wide and my shoulders slump. There was nothing there. The door didn't have a srach or claw more on it. The paint was smooth. It wasn't there the monster wasn't really there.

#tommyinnit #mcyt fandom #fanfiction #dream smp #ao3 writer #monsters #fanfic #writing things #horror #suspense #first person pov

[rukistarz]

✩ STAR DIARY - entry four - 20.2.23 ✩

6:19 pm

im on day 9 of my liquid fast and the cravings are getting like…really bad. im not planning to give in, obviously, but i can’t help but feel like shit for wanting to eat already when i’ve barely made a dent in my fast, you know ? it makes me feel less than, and pathetic. but im so determined to prove myself wrong and show myself that i can continue on, ignore these stupid cravings and complete my fast like i planned. im tired of being a failure. i will reach my ugw, and i will be successful and happy.

im currently at my lowest weight (124.4), which is great, and it keeps dropping, but i still feel really really fat. like, i can physically feel all of the excess fat on my body and it makes me feel horrible. the thing is tho, it’s not just a feeling, it’s actually there. like, my love handles are still there and they obscure my body in a disgusting way way. my thighs are unbelievably huge, as well as my arms.

it’s ironic because when i was like, twenty pounds heavier, i thought i’d be so skinny at this weight. but im not. i feel like i will finally feel okay, and not so fat when i get to 110 and lower, because i haven’t seen anyone my height being fat at that size. though, the possibility is still there, if feeling fat and gross, you know ? idk

anyway, im going out with my best friend tomorrow, and im really excited for multiple reasons. we haven’t seen each other in over a month, so im looking forward to meeting again. my birthday was on the 1st feb, her’s is on the 29th, so we always meet up during the middle to have a joint b-day celebration, and we’ll be exchanging gifts too. im excited for her to see what i got her, because i really went all out, and im excited to see what she got me. i feel like she probably got me an album or something, which would be cool because i got her two, so we can unbox them together. i also got her other bits and bobs, and a really funny birthday card that i think she’ll thoroughly enjoy.

though, im not planning on eating anything tomorrow, obviously. and the worst thing is, that she knows about my ed, so she’ll probably know that things are bad. she won’t pry or anything, but i know that she’ll figure it out. i feel bad, because i usually omad when we go out, but i cant this time. im also really scared that i might trigger her one day in some way, because she also struggles with body image, too. like, i don’t vent about my ed to anyone, especially in depth, but she knows about it already, and she’ll see my weight-loss and me turning down food, you know ? i just don’t want her to experience anything like this ever.

we’re going to a cat cafe, and i think i might just order a hot chocolate and drink that and when we go out to get food, i’ll say it made me nauseous and i cant eat, or something. i could also say that im on my period, which makes the sickly feeling even worse, and much more believable. granted, im not sure if we’ll go get food after, anyway, because she said she’ll probably get a pastry there, and idk if she’ll feel hungry after that. but it’s whatever, i have my plan in mind. im also glad because we’ll be doing a bunch of window shopping and walking a lot, and i wanna burn a lot of cals from the hot chocolate, you know ?

✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩

11:22 pm

my mind won’t stop thinking about something my sister said to me a few weeks back.

i was weighing myself and she walked in on me and decided to weigh in too, i was about 128 at that time, and she weighed in at about 180.

she said she wished that she was my size instead, but then went on to say that we’re not that far apart in weight.

which is true, however…that shit literally triggered me so bad.

like, does she think we look the same or something ?

like, no shade to her, i love her and all…it’s just, it fucked with me and it won’t leave my head.

honestly though, it’s crazy motivation because, she wants to lose weight, but refuses to change her eating habits. she always hounds me and my other sister (who has been going to the gym and eating healthily) for trying to lose weight (my family think im on a diet) and how it makes her feel insecure since we’re already skinny in her eyes.

i cant wait to see her again once im at my ugw and for her jaw to drop lmao, her as well as my other sister who’s trying to lose weight too, i want to surpass her and lose weight faster. i also want to be the skinniest in the family too, so this 100 day fast kinda like killing three birds with one stone.

✩ blessing you with a starry night, ruki ✩

#star ✩ diary #tw ana diary #tw ana diet #tw ana related #tw ana vent #tw disordered eating #tw ed diet #tw ed in the tags #tw ed vent #tw ana relapse #tw ana shit #ana trigger #anamia #anor3x14 #anorex14 #tw ana fast #tw ana mention #tw ed relapse #anarec1a #ed but not sheeran

[athenaseden]

i dont even know what trigger warnings to put on this. i dont know whats wrong with me. ill just title each section. avoid it if it triggers you.

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Sleep Struggles.

its hard to wake up. at first it was hard to sleep. i'd stay awake until 5 am. i could try every method i knew to fall asleep and nothing worked. now its hard to wake up. i fight - i fight my brain that tells me there is nothing worth it. i fight my brain that tells me all the pain and harm I'll see in the day all the reasons to say in bed because staying in bed is a little bit safer.

Can't Eat.

I struggle to eat. part of me thinks it may be because i fucked up my eating habits the first month i was home from school. i just forgot to eat breakfast and was so busy lunch slipped my mind. now, now its bad. my stomach will grawl, i don't *want* food but my stomach will be empty. so i try to think of things to eat. nothing sounds appeasing, not even comfort food. but i know i need to eat something because i was doing so much, my body needs it. so I'll make something simple (which - i struggle with adhd and sensory issues with it too). and it will sit in front of me and my throat immediately tightens. my brain rejects it before i even try to eat it. it registers what my throat is doing the same way it would something that is a bad sensation. so i force myself to eat it. there is no regret. i can keep it down. but that feeling stays the whole time i eat. so i try to eat smaller portions - it doesn't matter. i just cant eat. but i do because i have too.

Home. TW: racism, homophobia, transphobia, abuse ?

Home has never really been safe for me. Summers are the worst. Ive come out to them and wish i never had. My brother doesn't even try to be subtle abt his hate. My mother doesn't really try to stop him just gives a "hey!". Not that it surprises me. She pretends to be supportive. And listen i know it could be worse. But she thinks just wearing and buying me the flag is supportive. She still things its an agenda and forced in her face. She still holds out the chance that its a phase - she tells me all the time. Tells me i shouldnt be so open, was disappointed when i did so during orientation. And god dont get me started on transphobia. Its, i had a non binary partner (my family doesnt know abt any of my exs) and was regularly fighting them on transwomens validity. and i just. im genderfluid ! and i cant even think abt not being cis rn, i. i know i tagged racism but i basically live with people short of being n*z*s. and i cant leave. the tr*m p support that i have to hear regularly burns. and im just stuck here till august. i very literally have to be something im not AGAIN.

I was so happy to get out of the house last Fall. Thought that finally i was away from the abuse and lying and creating a fake me for the people closest to me. and i was. until i moved back in.

#im the oldest daughter #im everyones therapist #this is always my life #summers will never not be shit #i thought last summer was bad #i was screaming and crying alone everyday #but this #this is worse #i worked so hard #i got better ! #6 years of therapy #finally i was actually healing #not just managing to live week to week #this is all my work out the door #i hurt #it always hurts #i want to be safe #but i never will be here #i never have been here

[physicsfox7]

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.

#mental health #word vomit #the thing that keeps me up at night #friendship #heartbreak #bad brain #hash tags are mind of like word clouds #part of me wishes i would just shut up #part of me hopes this helps me #anxiety #hash tags are kind of like word clouds #some day ill delete this stupid journal because my mental health wont be such an asshole #the best is yet to come #dont know how to say any of this to my friends

[purrality]

chest feels really heavy. hard to breathe. not sure where the line is between heightened anxiety and panic attack sometimes, think ive kinda been floating between em. it's funny to think about. does it "count" if you only hyperventilate for a few seconds before everything dries up just long enough to get back to the state just shy of being full-on triggered? doesnt matter ig.

it's so fucked to know exactly why it's happening. i hate not being able to tell people why the most innocuous shit is so hard for me and having to eat it over and over. i hate that just THINKING about letting anyone see me like this gives me panic attacks. i hate that when i push through and do it anyways i cant admit the desperation it takes to ask for reassurance or to be sat with. i hate that writing about it makes me feel like i cant fucking breathe again when im trying so hard to find something, fucking anything to just give me some relief.

so whyyyy the fuck cant i just feel ok? why cant i shake this feeling? tried expressive art and I even liked how it came out, tried eating food I like, tried diving straight into the hurt and examining the trigger and working on my shit. all of it makes things feel just a little better, im not spiraling and thinking of suicide anymore, but it still feels really bad. I still feel like no amount of anything I ever do is going to fix these stupid fucking reactions wired into my stupid fucking body.

im scared that im getting worse. im scared that dealing with everything alone all the time is fucking up the way i think more and more, like a depression echo chamber constantly confirming that we cant talk to anyone about anything anymore or they'll either smother me with worry until I have to be the one reassuring them, or they'll confirm for me that if they care, they can't stand to do it for long. it always feels like too much. i feel like it must suck to know me, let alone to care. at least if im not hiding all the time.

i dont want to. i feel like a liar and general piece of shit. but when i do hide, im easier to tolerate, even if not all of me/us is/are worth the effort. i know no one knows me. not me as a whole, and especially not me in particular. everyone feels like strangers, if they haven't done awful things to me. it's so disorienting to have the memories anyways. it's even more disorienting when the rest of us forget and have to put together what happened later. i wish i could tell them more clearly what's going on and ig this is a part of that. seems like we dont touch our journals unless we're writing in them, but we do come back here a lot.

maybe come back and answer this later. i dont have one myself for now. im tired and you can do what you want whenever im gone but i dont want to talk to you or anyone else tonight. but what i want to understand is, why are we still alive? i ask that question all the time and i can never think of a reason that feels right. i know there's got to be something. im pretty sure it was wesley that stopped us way back when. so. why? and have you been listening this whole time?

im dissociating a lot now. finally calmed down. i think this has been going on for like 4 hours. exhausting. it was def panic attacks. gonna lay down

#sysjournaltemp

[bishiglomper]

You know i was just thinking how useless i am and how I'm so dependant on my sister. We're all disabled in different ways and we cant take care of ourselves! 😫

Like I could make a simple appointment, it would be more likely to be done if i could do it via online or text but simple appointments sure.

But more complicated ones like trying to figure out how to get in touch with a specialist i dont really have direct access or information to, I'm not gonna be a big enough girl to manage that. Someone else needs to do the hunting. And i cant always feed myself. Like I'll literally just go without anything (food or situationwise) if i cant manage it and no ones around to ask.

I'm not comfortable doing anything by myself. Cant do public transportation. Can't drive. Cant do flippin anything on my own. Which is stupid, because it just anxiety. But I'll literally go deer-in-headlights frozen complete shutdown and just not do anything out of anxiety and indecision.

I took a bus once. I thought it would be okay because I'm usually comfortable doing simple flights. We stopped for a meal and the bus driver hunted me down and papa-beared at the counter because they passed over my order and i didnt know what to do. Man could have just told me to get back on the bus but he made sure i got food 😭. And that same trip there was a transfer and i don't remember what happened but that was almost a disaster too.

Oh. And the end of that ride could have been bad. I accidentally got the attention of a creep and I'm too polite and nonconfrontational to tell people to get lost. So i was lucky he left me alone besides making me listen to creep music. 😬 And the last flight i had in texas... If i hadnt been able to find several different people to help me with specific things, I wpuld have been so fucked. 😭

I wonder if that counts as like. Officially needing disabled help. 🥺 i just feel stupid. And i feel like if i told people I needed help for that they'd just tell me to grow up.

At one point (17-19ish) i knew something was wrong with me, but the assessment guy just said i was stupid and needed to be educated. 😐

Also all of this was triggered by the fact that i got a phone call today when i was sleeping. My sister discovered she could get free pullups for the nephew via medicaid because he has gut problems. So she put in a request for me.

For one thing, I use pads literally every fucking day. IBS is a nightmare. So is a fucked up menses. And mom has ibs and a prolapse issue. So i was gonna get some because we both use them and those things are expensive to use every day.

When they called they're like "is this for urinary or menstrual?"

"Oh, more menstrual"

"Sorry, we don't cover that. Bye"

It took me a few minutes before i was like ...FUCK. IT WASN'T OPTION 1 OR 3, IT WAS FOR OPTION #2. THEY MIGHT COVER THAT 😫

I told sissy my fuck up. I blamed it in the fact i was half asleep and they didnt even give me the right prompt.

She told me i should have told them i wasnt me and just sent for her. 😥 I'm bad at making phone calls but i at least try to answer calls like a big girl... 😓😓 Also i can't lie or omit to get things i need, that's another big fuckin problem. Huge problem in this godsdamn society.

So she's reaching out again with her number instead.. 🙃

#just whining #autism things #anxiety things

[badbrainblurbs]

i feel like given my parent's parenting style there's no way i cldve been notably fussy abt change without remembering like there are certain things i remember always being criticized for or tht were commented on but i can't think of anything specifically related to not dealing with change well like ik i was overly sensitive n wld fuss n cry abt a lot of things which wld be criticized im trying to remember like even with the kids i grew up with in childhood if i wld deal well with changes there idk ik one of the kids they hated when things didnt go their way n they wld get mad n stop playing with everyone else lol but in a typical kid way i can't remember any specific routine based things but in general my childhood memories are so unreachable i do know esp beginning in adolescene changes started impacting me realizing now like myb thts why every school break i wld fall into depressive episodes unless i got a routine for myself. oh i think one thing since a kid i wld always insist on waking up early at the same time even when school was out i used to think i hated sleeping in late but i realize now when i oversleep i feel stressed bc now everything is wrong my schedule is thrown off ahhh but little me probably just wldnt hv comprehended tht? my attahchment to my stuffed animals n originally just this one specific animal is probably the a sign n it def got worse in adolescence n now i def cnt give them up. i remember getting to take the one with me as a kid to the hospital but it wld fall on the floor so often n hv to be washed so my mother stopped ik i missed it but i cant remember being particularly distressed or fussing over it much tho i used to be so sick i didnt really react to much anything. i switched schools at like 10 n i dont remember being too disrupted by it just regular anxiety but then again i still had my sister with me at least. the second time i switched schools at 17 was so bad n i was alone for the first time n also all the mental things were already going on for like 6 years so. i feel vaguely like if given the choice i wld usually opt for the familiar first but i wouldn't be distressed if a new thing was done. at best i hated trying new foods in particular. oh but then little things i wld get so attahced to my school bag! since pre school whenever i had to get a new school bag i hated getting rid of the old one lol. i remember actually joking abt tht in like primary or early secondary. I still hv one of my old school bags hidden away bc i like it so much even tho it's pretty unusuable. i think in general i always hated the idea of getting rid of old things or getting new things bc of the comfort aspect. but again i dont think the distress was notable as a kid and even if my parents wld still jusy get rid of it anyways. ok myb there were minor preference of the similar n routine but myb nothing really changed tht much until adolescene. the switching schools i feel like if it's true shldve triggered more distress i mean it was at 11 things started going downhill but tht was already a year in i think n i literally just cannot remember anything about tht time like how i probably felt in general abt it or anything sigh. idk it doesn't matter anyways

[tryingtobeskinnynow]

Over Due Update

I started this blog years ago and never really kept up with it. I ended up moving over to Instagram for a time. However, tumblr never really left my life I just always tried to ignore this blog. 

I guess I should give some warning before I continue this is a relapse entry I talk about how I was doing good and I've relapsed and how I use to feel and how I'm starting to feel now. I also talk about migraines and doctors. If any of this seems like it can trigger you please move past I'm just writing more for me to get release then anything! 

I guess I thought if I ignored it but didn’t delete it I wouldn't fall back down the rabbit hole of my ed. Enough of a reminder of how bad I was getting. Yet, here we are clearly not working to the effect I would like. 

I’ve been struggling again. I stopped eating most days. Enjoying be busy as it gives reason to “forget” to eat. I pick up too many shifts and if I don't I try to sleep the day away so I don’t feel hungry and end up binging. 

I was doing good for a while eating well, being active but not overly so. I was... happy. 

But I’m back to old ways. Some part of me always hoped this would stay in my younger teen years. That as I aged it would go away. I know that's not how it works but I wanted it to work that way for me. 

I want to be normal, I want to be able to look at food and eat it without stressing about what its going to do to my body how it will add to my weight. I want to be able to eat something I love the taste of and not feel guilty because its carbs or full of sugars and calories. 

Past few weeks I've been going to the gym. I noticed that as I start to get about 20 minuets into my workouts of any kind I get migraines. I've tried taking Tylenol or Advil as soon as they come so it wont effect my workout. It never works I end up going home taking a shower and hiding in my black room till I sleep and its gone or it passes on its own. 

I’m putting this here about my migraines because I had a panic attack over the fact that if I can’t work out I'm gonna gain weight, I'm not going to get to where I want myself, where ill be happy with my self. 

Its making me gain weight I'm even getting them if I get over exerted at work. My mom who I think knows of my ed but never actually says anything just try's to get me to eat. I think she wants me to go to the doctor. 

How do I go to a doctor and say I get migraines when I workout or work to hard and it caused me a panic attack because I cant work or go to gym. She will laugh me out the room thinking I'm lying or being lazy. 

I've suffered migraines since a kid. Yes, they are getting worse but my doctor never did anything before why would they now? 

I feel lost again. I feel out of control. Like I'm spinning and every one around me is still and calm. I don’t want to go back to how I once was... 

#Sorry #sorry for ranting #ED #Eating disorder problems #recovery #relapse #Lost #hopeless #hope #pain #eating #eating disorder #thoughts #feelings #update #truth #migraines #headaches #workout #docters #girl #weight #beauty #changes #tw ana relapse #ana #mia #ana recovery #anorexia #Bulimia

[jakesbf]

Like i dotn jnow what to dooo i keep getting worse and worse every day, the sadness isnt going away it just keeps on growing and getting worse daily, im so lazy and unmotivated every day, ive been getting rly mad snd irritated at everything, ive been lashing out on myself on my arms until theyre ugly and i cant trll anyone . If i tell my only irl shes just gonna brush it off prob say like dont do stuff like that and otehr things but she wont take me seriously because thats how she views me. My parents never take anything i say seriously when it comes to me being sad or anything relating to it they just tell me to stop and itll pass over time ITS NOT GOING AWAY THIS TIME !!! Why do you think i keep lashing out on things that have been triggering me more and more lately?? Why do u think im extremely sensitive eith my food and weigh why do you think i barged back into my room crying after i went on the scale again becayse you kept yelling at me to look at the numbers on that stupid FUCKING machine???! cant you see how much it hurts me??? i dont want to talk to any of you anymore you both keep ruining my self esteem more and more or maybe i AM being sensitive and dramatic like you always fucking say i am. Why cant you just take me SERIOUSLY when im UPSET stop treating it as a joke or as me as a joke !!!!!!!! What will make you realize ?? When i kill myself and im gone? You know how easily i can do it, right? Dads stuff is just RIGHT there i seriously can just fucking do it, will that make you realize that im not being lazy and that i actually wad depressed? What do i have to do to get it through to you both !!!! And why cant i just feel happy and normal again im so tired everyday i feel so drained doing anytjing and everything now ijust want to die so fuckfing badly i want it all to stop im not strong enough for any of this let alone the real world youre not even encouraging or helping me get through it i feel soctired man i dont want to deal with anyhting anymore i just hate myself so fuckjng much i just feel like im going to reach my boiling point again soon but i dont knwo what ill do this time.

[jxpcloud]

journey into addiction

this might be a bit of a triggering one even for me

im coming to terms with alot of shit tbh and one thing most therapists like you to talk about is your childhood. dint get me wrong im pretty sure i had a good childhood. my parents spit up when i was 7 but that was the only "bad" thing that happened in my childhood and honestly it wasnt bad, they split up because theyre lives were going in different directions which is weird considering they had two kids but they had been together since they were 17 so i kinda get it. but im currently being treated for bipolor or bpd (they are commenly confused) and both hold strong to childhood trauma. you do not need to have childhood trauma to develop these its just more common. thinking about it i dont know much from my childhood. and childhood being a very big term as i have to think from the ages of 2-16 and im only 17 but my brain has block alot of shit out and sometimes i feel sad and i cant even remember why cause my brain has just decided to not let me know what flashbacks im having. im awear im having flashbacks to possibly somwthing traumatic but i dont even know what but it stunns me for a while to say the least.

anyway i was doing a deepdive on myself which, inherently dangerous, did bring back a memory. self harm. theres a trend circulating on tiktok at the moment where people reveal stupid shit theyb did and tell theyre youngerselves that its not worth it and many that come up to me are self harm related. i had a think back to when i first started to injure myself and i remeber 11yo me taking a compass to my arm. even then i felt pathetic because i was too nervous about an actual blade but it made decent marks that healed in a matter of days and that continued on for a while. but what pushed me to do that? i mean it couldve been the media i was exposed to alot of that kinda stuff peak 2016 tumblr tbh or maybe i wanted something phisical to externalize what i felt on the inside. i mean i wont sugar coat it, i saw people with marks and thought i should have marks too since im also stuggling with my mental health. not the smartest idea but thats how i made the pain physical. anyways i didnt get found out until i was 14, nothing really had changed but i was using a badge now that had a bend in it leaving the needle more exposed and sharp. mother had taken that away from me pretty quick but continued to not understand and took the classic approach that i just was attention seeking and then proceeded to give me no attention. shes alot better now at understanding. but its an addiction and i contuned up until maybe three weeks ago, my boyfriend saw some fresh ones and genuinly hugged me and gave me something that i needed to hear. i cant promise that i wont relapse and i didnt, but i promised to communicate and thats more impostant as its better than thinking im stopping cold turkey.

this wasnt really my point.

back into early childhood, primary school days, i had extreme anxiety. this is one of the only things i can remember. i remeber when kids were running and having fun i was worried about getting sunburn, or falling or genrally getting into trouble. its honestly concerning that nobody picked up how horrifically anxiety ridden i was as a child but i was just labled as one of those kids. a distinct memory i had was barely getting told off by my mum for something and refusing to eat for the rest of the day while i was in my room uncontrollably sobbing and hitting myself with the heaviest book in there. i was five. she probably thought i was throwing a strop but i remeber beating myself u til everything stung and i was exhausted. i didnt really get told off as a child and i think that was probably the only time but i would always feel so guild ridden that when i did make a mistake, when when told it was fine, i would continue to deny myself food and beat myself until i was a mess of tears and bruises. this is genuinly going on five to six year old me. its no wonder really how i developed an eating disorder thinking about it. but my violent tendencies started at five years old and have developed into more violence and years of trauma that i caused myself. no one really teaches kids how to handle there emotions, probably because they dont usually handle them like i did but someone should probably teach kids this shit before they destroy theyre little bodies

so yeah self harm is a tought action nailed down by addiction and the weird happy feeling after. i dont really want to explain that one. on a more postive note i wrote this out to stop myself from heing violent towards myself and i think the urge has passed now :)

[arcaneyouth]

(this post isnt being queued because if i post it at the ripe old time of 1 am fewer people will see it alright have a nice day)

#vent post #negative #warning: im about to get into some emotions i havent told anybody including my therapist or even myself really and theyre bad! really bad #im not trigger tagging it because it. feels bad. i cant explain that i just cant #so basically just read at your own risk. if i dont get this out somehow i think i might scream #ok so getting just right to the point i am so fucking suicidal i dont want to live in this shitty ass world anymore #i cant imagine a world where i dont have to struggle. i cant imagine a world thats any better than this. #i cant imagine living past 21 anyways cause thats when my doctors said id die as a way to threaten me into doing my meds #i try so hard to be positive and hold on and it worked for 4-5 years and now theres not even a point. #im tired of trying. im tired of holding on. i will never be able to live comfortably. whats the fucking point. #im running out of reasons to stick around. #years ago my reasoning was that my friends would be sad. i cant really use that anymore #because im a traumatized fucking disaster thats been slowly trying to cut off my friends and stop caring about them #maybe i could stick around so i can finish my comic well thats not going to fucki #ng happen because the world is probably going to kill me before i can get it done #and nobody gives a shit about my ocs anyways except for me #or maybe i could stick around for that cool tv show or that video game i want to play or my favorite food #well none of that fucking matters!!! it barely makes me happy anymore. theyre just things. #what about my family? well thats easy i fucking hate them i wouldnt feel bad for leaving them. #ive been in a depressive slump for weeks and i dont know how to get out and every time i start to feel ok again someone or something #reminds me why this world is so horrible. #the internet reminds me every day of how people are dying and how people like me are getting killed for fun #my parents are pessimists who spend every conversation talking about how bad everything in the world is #so the options seem pretty simple to me. either the world kills me some time soon or i'll do it myself before it can. #but i wont #im scared of pain. im scared of dying. i know for a fact id never be able to pull anything off #so the fact that im still here doesnt even mean much. im just too terrified to leave. #yeah post over. sorry about. *gestures at this whole post*. i dont have the energy to write in my journal and ill probably be #too much of a wimp to tell my therapist #this just needs to get out somewhere. i really cant handle keeping it in me anymore.