#i dont like roller coasters but i cant understand why people would

[redysetdare]

I keep seeing other Aros say things like "Having a crush sounds like an anxiety attack" and while I get the misunderstanding I need y'all to realize that it's literally just the vagueness of the wording that's making you think this.

Crushes often get described as causing a "racing heart" you know what also is described that way? someone being excited. Someone being overjoyed. and yes, someone feeling anxious.

And the thing is, it's not wrong to assume anxiety because yes - Crushes can cause a bit of anxiety but the reason for the anxiety is different. Someone may be anxious around a crush because they want their crush to like them and don't want to embarrass themselves. It's just the generic anxiety of wanting to be likable to people but instead just being geared towards a specific person.

There's also the fact that a crush, like anxiety, does trigger adrenaline. but so do many things, such as going on a roller coaster. People enjoy roller coasters just fine because of the adrenaline rush and everyone agrees that going on roller coasters aren't anxiety attacks.

Basically what I'm trying to get at here is "this sounds like an anxiety attack" shows a misunderstanding of symptoms and in some cases is willfully ignorant as it shows that you don't wish to learn beyond your own understanding. And this misunderstanding is due to how vague the wording used to describe crushes usually is. It's using words and symptoms that depending on the context can mean different things.

TL;DR Crushes are no more like "anxiety attacks" then getting an adrenaline rush on a roller coaster. It's okay to not understand something but maybe don't call what you don't understand an "anxiety attack"

#text #aro #aromantic #aroace #also i believe this is also a fundamental misuse of 'anxiety attack' as there is so much more to anxiety attacks than what a crush describe #but i digress #i say this as an aroace person who used to feel similar but then when i thought on it more i realized it was just the vague wording #also the roller coaster analogy i think works really well #i dont like roller coasters but i cant understand why people would #also dont take this as me saying 'you guys are all doing this purposefully' cause im not #i understand the disconnect there especially with how things are worded #im just trying to say dont jump to the assumption of it beng like one thing #when literally just discussing it more and getting context can make it so much easier to understand #apologies if this is all over the place im a bit out of it lmao #i just had a thought process and my ADHD brain wouldn't let it go until i shared

[zapsoda]

"what is a crush?" is such a fascinating question to explore why dont we talk about this more. like just for funsies. it feels like such a vast and ill defined concept yet many of us seem to have at least somewhat of an agreement on what it means.

in my mind. and my experience. a crush is when you like someone a lot. more than you like other people you like. this does not necessarily mean romantically. i entirely believe in platonic feelings of this variety. i think some people call those squishes but i think thats even stupider than the word crush, personally.

anyways. to elaborate. the effect is like a high. from my understanding. i dont really get out. in their vicinity your heart rate goes up. you get nervous. but not in the way that you feel nervous before going into an interview or walking on a glass bridge, its like when youre getting seated on a roller coaster just before it takes off.

it is exactly like being in the line of sight of a monster in a survival horror game.

except the monster is a person.

despite this, you might be a bit more impulsive. its entirely contradictory, its illogical, yet you push to worsen that anxiety. maybe you will talk to that person. maybe you will sit a little closer.

you have this gnawing, desperate, urge to put yourself in the way of danger. against all signs of danger, you want to get closer.

because every time you do this you have the chance of getting a sweet shot of dopamine. maybe they looked your way and werent visibly repulsed. maybe they waved to you. maybe they said hi. maybe even they spoke to you, like a normal human being.

the thrill is addictive. something about this person and the danger your brain tries so desperately to tell you that they put you in makes you fall deeper and deeper.

you start thinking about them when they arent around. you wonder what theyre doing. you wonder what they think of you. you wonder if its possible that maybe, just maybe, they dont even utterly abhor you. its a scandalous thought. whats next, youll be planning the wedding? yeah, maybe.

slowly, it takes over your brain. what was once a passing interest, now consumes many of your waking thoughts. you cant go too long without another hit. you cant see your future without it. without them.

your fantasies become more extreme. what would maximize the thrill and the rush. maybe if you touched hands, maybe if you got them to laugh, maybe if you stayed a little longer.

see, your brain builds up a tolerance to it. each moment, each high period overwhelms your neurons, it requires more and more just to satisfy your craving.

now youve fallen in. hook, line, and sinker.

thats just my experience though, id love to hear what other people have to say on the matter.

[fortpeat]

I don't even know where to start with this episode LIKE OMGGGGG I LAUGHED I CRIED I CRIED SOME MORE AND I CRIED AGAIN AND THEN LAUGHED AT THE END. THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER I WENT ON 😭😭😭😭

P. S These are my thoughts and nothing you can say can change my mind so if anyone disagrees please move on. 🤗

Pai gushing about Sky 😭😭 OMGGG I WAS SMILING LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT LIKE THIS MAN FOUND THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE AND HE CANT STOP THINKING OF HIM 🥹🥹 SKY DESERVES SOMEONE JUST LIKE PAI 😭😭

(Also I legit went to heaven seeing Pai in that Green shirt )

Okay back to episode

PAI YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU ARE SUCH A MENACE IF SKY HEARD THIS HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU A SMACK ON THE HEAD 🤣🤣🤣

Their cute bookstore date and then having Lunch together like Pai is one step closer to literally using a megaphone and announce it to the whole world that he's gonna be Sky's husband 🤣🤣🤣 Man has no control AND I LOVE IT.

To the party (the condo scene is another post of its own) 🤣

I keep seeing everyone blaming Prapai for not moving away from the guy who was pursuing him. But from my point of view it looked like Pai was trying to be polite in a public setting and didn't want to cause a scene and disrespect the guy. He politely told that guy that he was taken and had to literally pry the guys hands away from him. Sometimes it's kind words and actions that make people back away instead of insulting them or pushing them away forcefully.

I was telling at my screen for Sky like BABYYY PLEASEE DONT MISUNDERSTAND HE LOVE YOU PLEASEEE

THE SCENE THAT MADE ME BAWL MY EYES OUT 😭😭😭

When you see a guy who's ALWAYSSS been smiley and jolly and occasionally angry (with reason) CRY LIKE LEGIT TEARS STREAMING DOWN THEIR FACE CRY. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT TRUST ME. YOU CANT. ITS HEARTBREAKING ON ITS OWN.

AND MY GOD FORT DID DELIVER 🫡🫡🫡

THE SCENE TO TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE SCENE I WAS SCREAMING AND CRYING FOR IT TO STOP.

There is a bit of conflict with this scene but looking from both sides I can understand why Pai did what he did. Was he right to enter Sky's dorm without his permission and look through his personal belongings. No. It was the actions of a desperate man trying to make sense of why he got his heart broken. Pai has always been someone who pushed and pushed until he got the answers. And why Sky was not giving him the room to explain or understand Pai's POV it's pretty obvious why he did what he did. And yes Sky was distraught at the idea of Pai reading through his journal and he asked it to be stopped but looking back I think Sky needed that push to understand that Pai was not playing and that he's in it for the long haul and that a few deeply hurting words isn't gonna push Pai away. Sky needs someone who would fight for him and with him to make him understand that Pai is not going anywhere. It's a bit of a grey area. But completely understandable. We are all humans and when emotions get the better hold of us we turn blind and let those emotions control us.

To be continued ❤️

#love in the air #prapaisky #prapai x sky #prapai #sky #fortpeat #fort thitipong #peat wasuthorn #lita cast #lita #lita spoilers #lita ep12

[safety-pin-punk]

idk how to word this, so apologies if it sounds strange

but I was wondering... you know being punk a part of that is disliking the rich, in simple terms

so if, -hypothetically- a punk person genuinely fell in love with a rich/richish person or a celebrity, would they still be considered punk or?

Oh boy, I feel like Im about to go on a roller coaster of tangents with this ask, so Im gonna put a tl;dr at the bottom. And before anyone comes at me for my reply, you should be aware that I grew up dirt poor to the point that my brother (now 35) refuses to eat pinto beans because thats all we had for 2 weeks straight once. So Im not saying this as a person who has never been effected by way that capitalism exists in our society.

First off, lets talk about what makes you ‘punk’. Its not a look, its not only about the music. Its about the set of values that you adhere to. Being punk is about supporting those who cant support themselves. Its about fighting for a better world. Being punk means that you genuinely care for the people and the world around you. Put simply, ‘hating the rich’ does not make you punk. But being upset with what the rich do with their money can.

And personally, I believe that its wrong to hate someone just because of their socioeconomic status. Now people like Bezos and Rowling, yeah, they are fair game. Not because they are rich, but because they are horrible people who use their money for not good things. But if you have someone who came into wealth either through an inheritance, hard work, or they were just born wealthy, why would you hate them for that? They cant control the socioeconomic circumstances of which they were born. Its like hating poc people just because of their skin color. Or hating men just because they are men. Why would you hate someone over something they cant control?

Now your ask specifically, does it make you not ‘punk’ to love someone who is rich? Short answer: no. BUT that isnt to say that there aren’t things that can result in less than cool circumstances. If your partner holds values that are the opposite of the punk culture, and are unwilling to learn and grow as a person, you may want to rethink things. If they came into their money by extortion and union busting, you may want to rethink things. If your partner expects YOU to adopt values that are the opposite of those that the punk culture holds dear, you may want to rethink things. But if you have a partner who wants to use their money for good and is willing to grow and change (or already holds some punk values whether they know it or not) , then I think you are set.

And also, (though I may not be the best representative here cause Im aro spec) you cant control who you love. You can choose whether or not you act on that love and how. But you cant control love. So even if (god forbid) you loved Jeffery Bezos, it wouldn’t immediately make you not punk, how you dealt with it could

I also want to throw in this. I’m not sure how old the person who sent this ask is, but regardless, I think this is very important. Never just accept what people say. And I dont mean that in a ‘dont believe everything you read on the internet’ kind of way. I mean it in a ‘dont believe or adopt values unless you understand why people value something’ way. You should be thinking critically about your own beliefs, not just going with something because ‘thats what punks are supposed to do’. I’ll even take this a step further and say, its almost the opposite of punk do dictate your life over what others say is right or wrong instead of what you have determined to be right or wrong. Rich people are a great example of that. And Im not including this to put anyone down, I just believe this is a very important aspect of punk culture and foundation that is starting to be forgotten. Dont hate someone or something just because people tell you to. Learn why and make your own conclusion.

Tl;dr: Dating someone of a certain socioeconomic status doesnt make you ‘less punk’ because people are not inherently bad because of something they are born into or have acquired. What is important is the values that people hold and what they do with their money.

#mail tag #im so sorry this is so long #i went off on a few tangents here #but i hope I answered your ask well enough #and good luck!

[crazylil-lion]

I feel like it needs to be said. Today I woke up in yet another bpd episode which is all I do bounce between moods like a roller coaster. Today I woke up so unbelievably suicidal anyone from an outside perspective would as why do you feel that way. The problem is I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT. Thats the problem with bpd your emotions are so fucking extreme its extremely hard to even logically talk yourself down from the emotional side of your brain SCREAMING in your head. I feel the reason we are classified as manipulative and attention seeking is people genuinely dont understand what its like. Never knowing how you will feel or what personality you will wake up with because you have no personality no sense of self identity. Half the day you walk around as if its all a simulation and you are just watching someone else control your life. People don't understand that when I talk about how bad I want to kill myself that I mean it like its all thats on my mind is hurt yourself you are worthless you are empty. They don't understand what its like having an ongoing war inside your head. Constantly having to attempt to talk your emotional brain out of the terrible reactions it wants to do. This is me on medication. In therapy for years and it still gets this bad. People don't know what its like to go from completely empty like theres an endless void in your chest craving all the things you never had or are missing. Affection attention validation these things are such a huge need I can't express how important it can be. I spent hours PHYSICALLY shaking violently trying to resist the urge to self harm. To put so many cuts on my thighs I cant stand literally seeing flashbacks of all the blood and burns and remembering the feeling. It consumes you. Honest truth is bpd is so hard to deal with because every little thing matters more to us then people can understand. I love too hard. I care too much. When I get sad I dont just get sad I get so suicidal its hard to not just curl up in a ball and cry. This is when reaching out to friends can be extremely helpful but most people myself included internalize the hate and sadness and self destruct. Today I talked to one of my like 2 or 3 people I would call a friend and they just talked to me. Validated my feelings and listened to my issues. The issue is most people would snap and call me attention seeking or manipulative because of my desperate need for Validation but they dont realize how deeply I feel those emotions they play off as nothing. Or something they've felt before one time when shit was hard when they were younger. I just wish people would understand I don't choose to be this way. I don't choose to be so emotional and there are pros and cons. The love I give is extreme and most people can't handle it or take for granted all I do for them until they drive me away because of 0 effort on their side. I am not a terrible person for this mental illness caused by my 12+ years of abuse. I need this stigma about personality disorder to be destroyed instead of instantly getting blocked or thrown away once someone learns about me having bpd. Or therapists and psychologists treating me like I'm terrible or stupid for feeling this way. Its sad one of the highest suicide rates is people with bpd yet we get judged so extremely for existing and asking for help.

#vent #mine

[xsarcasticwriterx]

Young God-Part 1

Summary: Your power isn't even a power its simply words. You can understand people, get into their head and know them better than anyone all willingly on their end. This made you useful to the avengers when villains came and you could understand and fix them. When this is asked to be done to loki you cant help but fall for the god the more you get to know him.

Pairing: Loki x reader

Warning: Swearing, Loki being loki,angst

Notes: Ok lemme just start of saying loki isn't going to be...nice in the beginning of this i got the idea off of joker and harley quinn's relationship and slightly silence of the lambs so do with that what you will now i adore loki so he won't be a dick the whole time just yea someone getting into loki's head? he isn't too chill with that.

You walked down the stairs leading to the dungeon where the god was locked away ready for you to speak to. you heard the mocking laughs and sarcastic remarks made as you passed the cells.” “hey mortal lemme get a taste” he said thrust to you. you flipped him off not looking at him and passing on by. seeing the god laying on the couch reading a book you walked through the boundaries placed stepping before him. Odin had given you a pill, said it would allow you past the wall of an hour and only you. “hello” he said reading his book still. “apologies for my fellow inmates they can be quiet rude” he said with a small smirk.

“ironic coming from a man with the nickname silver tongue” you said sitting down on a chair in front of him. he placed down his book “oh doll there's more to that nickname” he said with a wink. you simply rolled your eyes in response. you had been told loki was like this. “anyways why are you here” he asked sitting up turning to you “did odin send you to make sure im behaving?” he asked with a snarky tone

You made a mental note of his hatred for odin, though from your interactions with the man you slightly understood that. “i'm here to speak to you” is all you said. loki scoffed “you doll are a horrible liar” he said with a smirk. He stood up and walked around you almost scanning you. “what's the real reason your here?” he asked behind you. “truly i am here to talk to you” you repeated with a straight face and shrug. “then talk” he said bending down right in front of your face. his breath ghosting over your face and his long wavy hair falling in his face. “your a god you live for years on end tell me loki, how old are you?” you asked. loki gave a smile before standing “my age? that's what you came for?” he huffed. “ill answer your questions if you answer mine” he said in return

you turned around facing him “i don't answer questions” you said with a shrug “oh come on doctor i know your other patients didn't just comply with your questioning” he said with a smirk. he was always smiling or smirking, never a true smile something to show planning, no not planning, anger? no not anger. hurt? yes thats it hes hurt and hides it with his devilish smile. to throw you off to push you away. make you fear him over wanting to know him.

Now the new question was how did he know you were a doctor. well you may not be an official doctor but you were one of sorts. You had been in college to get a phycology degree until fury swept you up making you work for him. you tilted your head alarming the god you were lost on his accusation. “oh dear as you said i am a god you don't think i could fall for your tricks and lies like the others did you?” he asked walking to you “doll only i make the tricks here” he said holding your jaw. “now we play by my rules” he said with another smile. “stop” you said. his smile widened “stop smiling” you said. you saw a hint of confusion wash over before it was erased with another smirk “why doll?” he asked. “because its a lie” you said. loki's face became serious “you talk of lies yet you wouldn't tell me why your here” he said walking around the room.

“Fine i'm here to evaluate you” you said simply “now will you answer my questions?” you asked. “I have been just not the ones you want the answer to.” he replied. “agree to my terms and ill be more than willing to answer you” he said with a sarcastic smile “i ask the questions not you” you replied. he shrugged laying back down reading his book again. you only had an hour with him so you had no choice but to comply with his rules or you'll get nowhere but you also didn't want the god to think he could just boss you around and throw a fit.

you shrugged picking up your bag walking out of the room. “1,054″ you said blankly. you turned confused “my age” he said still reading. you nodded walking back in “one question” you said sitting down. he smirked still looking at the book but not reading it “well start simple. name?” he asked. “y/n” you replied. “y/n....mmm now y/n why are you here?” he asked sitting up. “to evalu-” you started to say before he cut you off “why are you here?” he asked “were not doing this loki i said one question” you said standing back up. your hour was almost over. “what happened doctor don't like a taste of your own medicine?” he asked with a dark smile. “why do you do that? smile so much?” you asked. “you tell me you said it was a lie which means you've made your own deductions of it so tell me doc why do i smile so much?” he asked tilting his head.

“to make people uncomfortable. they see you smile this mischievous smile a smile that they expect from the god of mischief. you become what people expect of you so they stay away now why you push people you don't know away i'm not quiet sure on but i assume it has something to do with your spite for odin” you said simply. loki gave a wide smile standing up “well well well doc, you are utterly” he said behind you getting close to your ear “wrong” he said simply straightening backup. “now you well i do have so many things to say about you” he said moving in front of you. “you evaluate people thinking you know everything about them so much more than they know themself, from body language to words to the crime they commited. but i my dear am simply a king who deserved a throne and would fight for it” he said sitting back down “hours up doll better leave before your trapped in here” he said looking at you with another smile. 

Walking back up you felt unnerved. the god had a weird aura to him like he could read your mind. granted he may actually be able to in which case you need to be more careful about such things. you walked to your room feeling empty and drained. you fell back on the bed rubbing your face. the odinsons had given you your own quarters while you stayed there. there was  knock on the door and you groaned “its open” you replied and the door opened revealing yet another god, a kinder one. Thor walked over sitting next to you “how was loki?” he asked. “loki was....exactly how yall described him” you sighed. thor griminced he hoped his brother would behave “did you get anything out of him?” he asked. “just his age which is useless it was more a test to see if he'd comply with me. think he got more out of me than i of him” you said looking up at thor. 

“give him time. my brother can be...difficult but your a legend at this so you should do well it may take longer than usual but you'll get it” thor said cheerfully. you gave a small smile. you wanted to believe that you truly did but honestly you weren't sure. “loki sure is a strange guy” you said sitting up “Well he's not a guy hes a god such as i and he was raised by my mother” he said to you.

“get some rest i bet you'll do much better tomorrow” he said with a smile walking out. you sighed and changed, laying bed you felt sleep take over. 

you stood in a black room seeing your parents smiling faces “mom? dad? you said with a smile. you started to run to them before blood dripped from there eyes and they slowly faded away. you stepped back feeling empty once again. you heard a chuckle and turned seeing loki laugh and roll his eyes before vanishing too

You awoke with a small scream and your heart racing. you were drenched in sweat and tears streamed down your face. once you calmed you growled launching up from bed and walking down to the dungeon storming past the assholes shouting crude things at you. you stood at loki's cell banging on the wall “hey asshole” you said blatantly. “well hello to you too doll isnt this a shocker” he said with another smile god how you wanted to slap that smile off his face “shut up” you said. loki sat up looking at you “well what can i do for you?” he asked. “your not supposed to have you powers in here” you said with a stern face

loki tilted his head in mock confusion “why i don't” he said voice dripping in sarcastic hurt as if offended by such accusations. “don't lie you bastard! You were in my head i know it you know it so let's just both know it” you yelled at him. His smile widened “ok darling but see i do have one question left unanswered. how did your parents die?” he asked stepping to the glass. “they didn't it was simply a nightmare” you groaned. 

“no no see people who dream of the death unprompted feel pain,sadness,fear they try to stop it you well you felt nothing you just...stood there” he said looking down at you. “so how was it they died?” he asked. “if you can get in my head then you sure as shit know” you said looking down at the floor. you really did not want to speak of it.

“of course i do doll but i want to hear you say it” he said leaning on the glass. “i will not play into your game” you said storming off “you still hear it dont you? their screams” he said. “i do” he said after

you turned “pardon?” you asked walking back to him. “have a nice night darling” he said smiling walking back to his couch. “but you said-” you were cut off by the sounds of footsteps “oi you are not to be down here madam” the man said walking to you “oh yes sorry i must have sleep walked” you replied walking upstairs back to your bed.

laying down your head felt as if it was spinning. This was going to be an interesting roller coaster wasn't it.

#loki #Loki Laufeyson #loki fanfic #loki of asgard #loki layfeyson x reader #loki x reader #loki odinson #loki odison x reader #MCU #MCU fanfiction #mcu x reader #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #tom hiddleston

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom, season 3 episodes 3-6 thoughts!

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-johnny was actually pretty civil with danny and left when he asked! thats nice. also, SKULKER?? HAD A FRAMED PICTURE OF EMBER?? oooo fuck wait had they established they were a Thing Before?? I dont think so. thats weird. its like that country boy/goth girl meme lmfao. I think i am going to choose to ignore this new info and pretend I didnt hear it. 100% unrelated to the jazz/ember fanart I already drew and posted....😳

-LADIES NIGHT EPISODE THIS IS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT. wish it didnt really center around the guys or them being pissed at them, but. willing to bet this was written by men lol

-THEY ERASED ALL THE MEN??? meanwhile, jack and danny are fishing at. silent hill or something. im glad jack is trying to read a parenting book and making an Attempt. (theyre at lake erie, but, they made it actually eerie...thats fun)

-the girls alt outfits...cute. EMBER MADE A NEW SONG TOO!!! kinda. jazz being one of the backup singers and being AWFUL. NOOOO

-'how are we going to get kitty to blow a kiss?' 'she'll have to think there are still some males in town!' ...i dont know how to break it to you, but I dont know that a 100% het girl would wish for all men to Begone. I think. I mean im not a het or a girl so I dont really know for sure. she Is probably Bi tho. esp having the other ladies in town chanting NO MEN!!! excitedly............(then again, the kiss is to get Rid of men, so, she probably would have blown it at the ladies only if they were actively trying to attack/stop them, so...I MEAN. THE DRESSING LIKE DANNY BIT WAS SO EXTRA)

-I feel like an all female cast ep couldve been way way way way cooler than that was. like. why was it still somehow all about Men. ...anyway. (where was valerie...)

-next ep opens with the observants, and, way way more of them than I expected...existed? I mean I guess them being a council/jury of some kind is what I expected from their first appearance (bc at that time they were basically TELLING clockwork to kill danny, not asking,, so I figured they had SOME kind of authority) but. there were so many. anyway, here goes vlad! letting his own hubris go brrrr. releasing a weather ghost for political gain! #justvladthings

-okay say what you will about him (he IS an asshole) but having an umbrella with his own face on it and more prepared to share is SUPER FUNNY. and him being fanned by huge wads of money by his bodyguards. SO ineffective but so Dramatic. He UNDERSTANDS that if youre rich you need to be. you know. obnoxious and kinda eccentric about it! fuckign hate when rich people are boring about it. I would trust vlad with nothing except to not be a boring rich asshole who wears...fucking khaki or some shit. man knows his Presentation Skills. and that 'V' chair in his mayoral office. is that fucking embroidered?

-maddie get your MAN PLEEEEASSSE. IM SO EMBARRASSED FOR HER. the way jack stays simping for this man. in FRONT OF HIS WIFE!!!! ...my god its like a love triangle. jack clearly loves vlad, who loves maddie, who loves jack. jack fenton is at the very least bi, right................. this is an OBSESSION . 'THE V MAN COMETH'???? i...my god. (also, on a serious note, to have a friend THIS SUPPORTIVE...and still be SUCH A DICK TO HIM (TRYING TO KILL HIM AND STEAL HIS WIFE??) NOT COOL VLAD. JACK IS YOUR 1 AND /ONLY/ HYPE MAN. if someone loved and supported me THIS HARD...LIKE. CMON DUDE.

-STOMP the fucking GAS, JACK

-this would make a great shirt design, looks like a metal band design! we love The Maelstrom

-oh, so vlad did in fact get a mansion in amity park. and its purple! good color choice! not as flashy as a CASTLE or MURDER CABIN, but still pretty eccentric, which I appreciate.

-...vlad knows the difference between picasso and da vinci? in the ep last post where we were watching him fail at conquering every historical time ever he didnt seem to know history well enough to like. be effective...was vlad taking art history at college?? (was he an art MAJOR??? we never DID KNOW WHAT HE WENT TO SCHOOL FOR. I kinda assumed business because in the masters of time ep he was still rich without ghost powers so he had to have..known something about business or something, right...but also, art and or theater FITS HIS PERSONALITY. possibly also something science-y, I guess, but I always felt like he got roped into that, esp how pessimistic he was about the ghost portal in the flashbacks to college, like, i felt like he was just there for maddie and was uninterested/un-invested at the time...)

-THIS GHOST JUST ELECTROCUTED MADDIE (THE CAT) BITCH!! THATS MY FAVORITE MADDIE!!! vlad going after vortex and being ~shocked~ .....WHEN. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN. THAT YOUR ACTIONS. HAVE CONSEQUENCES!!!

-the way this random man with a camera sees the mayor laying in an alley covered in TRASH AND DECIDES TO TAKE A PICTURE HAHAH

*snap* this ones going in my cringe compilation!

-vlad 'if we're going to defeat vortex, we're going to have to do it together!' *immediately dips after dropping danny off in front of vortex* JKASDFHKJHJKN

-DANNY CAN DUPLICATE!!! ...he couldnt even attack with it, but he DID IT!!! INTO (4) OF HIMSELF!!! SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!!

-'THE ROLLER COASTER EMOTIONS OF A TEENAGER THREATEN MY PLANS!' ...0 self awareness of his own dramatic moodiness. incredible, how dumb this man is. its very close to circling around to endearing, if he was less of an asshole. at least its very very funny to see danny shooting him with tiny lightning bolts anytime he's even slightly irritated! vlad you should be nice to danny anyway. this is what you GET

-...making sandwiches and ice cream and playing video games with your nephew is a totally normal thing. WHY is vlad acting like this is the end of the world. if you were a GOOD UNCLE YOU WOULD ALREADY BE DOING THESE THINGS!!! bitch I make my nephew food all the time and dont forget what he does and doesnt like. if u didnt know danny didnt want tomatoes, thats on u. if u, a grown adult, are gonna piss of the 14 yr old by not letting him win, u deserve to have to pay for the arcade machines he ruins because he now has uncontrollable storm powers because YOU THREW HIM INTO A FIGHT WITH THE STORM GHOST. fuck u vlad. paypal me $400,000 while ur at it tho. (also, gamer vlad confirmed)

-VLAD CAN COOK THOUGH???! I assumed he had...people working for him that did that. I mean. billionaires usually dont do that. then again, we've only seen those vultures working for him (and I guess the dairy king was AT his old mansion, but it was never really clarified if he worked there...I think he probably just Hung Out and they Enjoyed Cheeses Together. thats what I think, I dont think a KING would be working for anyone and also the dairy king was nice <3) but then again he would be a private person and we cant have anyone accidentally finding Ghostly Things, so...still, that's hilarious. pour one out for that really cute banana split that got ruined 2 seconds later

-vlad just fucking picking danny up and THROWING HIM AT VORTEX TWICE WITHIN LIKE A MINUTE. JUST ABSOLUTELY LAUNCHING HIM. BITCH THATS MY SON BE CAREFUL!!! HES GOT ORGANS AND THINGS!!!!

-danny seeing those animal commercials and feeling sad is the biggest 2000s throwback so far. i legitimately had to change the channel or walk out of the room when those came on bc id CRY AND BE SAD ABOUT THEM FOR DAYS AFTER. fuck those commercials and fuck that IN THE ARMMMS OF AN ANGELLLL song 😭

-'vlads ego almost got the town destroyed!' yes danny thats the entire episode. the entire series anytime vlad shows up honestly. this episode was just him being really embarrassing the entire time, and, me laughing about it. 10/10 would laugh at him again

-NEXT EP WE HAVE A SHAPESHIFTING GHOST?? I've said it before but shapeshifting is the power I would want when asked those 'what superpower do you want' questions...its the Best power! this guy looks like a homestuck character. ive never read homestuck but thats the vibe

-I love every time we see tuckers family, they are by far the most functional family. and dash has a lil chihuahua!!! named pookie!!! i am crying (I've had 3 chihuahuas, so I am very biased, but...) AND HE WATCHES THE ROMANCE CHANNEL WITH POOKIE. POOKIE I WILL DIE FOR YOU YOU SWEET LITTLE BABY.

-danny can lift a bus! I shouldn't be surprised, but i am proud of my son. hes got lil kid fans. i am going to cry about this

-JAZZ KEEPS A SCRAPBOOK WITH DANNY'S LIL HEROICS AND NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS!!! we've actually seen it on her floor before, but I didnt realize it was a scrapbook!! thats sooo cute.

-...and danny has to stand there listening to his parents saying danny phantom sucks and is a 'filthy ghost' and calling him egotistical...i am once again stealing their kids!

-THIS GHOST RIPPING JAZZ'S SCRAPBOOK!!! ILL KILL YOU. SHE WORKED HARD ON THAT!!! BITCH

-yes, maddie, the one with red eyes is For Sure Actually Your Son. ignore the, red eyes... (CLEARLY she hasnt watched the other 2 eps where danny has been evil, she doesnt know red eyes= evil!!!)

-'billy fenton'.......................

-danny being stuck as phantom in his own house, no way out is a fucking NIGHTMARE. his parents pointing giant weapons against him and SHOOTING AT HIM. THIS IS A HORROR MOVIE.

-NINE INCH NAILS POSTER.

-this is the most screenshot of all time

-amorpho turning into mr. lancer because hes 'someone no one will want to be around' BUT HES WRONG, I WOULD BEFRIEND AND HANG OUT WITH MR LANCER SO FAST.

-tucker dressing as danny, now I have the full Tucker set of him being sam and also being danny. also saying 'the ghost...uh...RIPPED MY FACE OFF.' and then running. SMOOTH. NOT AT ALL CONCERNING TO ANY PARENTS.

-sam accepts the toast from jack. and then 2 seconds later is like 'why am i eating this.' THIS SHOWS HUMOR IS SO UNEXPECTED SOMETIMES ITS REALLY GOOD. and then the scene after, mr lancer running into his ghost doppelganger and being like 'YOURE GORGOUS' THEN FAINTING. I AM CRYING. AND DASH FAINTING TOO.

-sam disguising herself as danny again to help tucker run from the fentons. but leaving him shirtless in the streets. incredible. 'plEASE DOnt NOTice MY FACELessNESS I MUST LIVE IN EXILE' this episode is destroying me the humor in this show is exactly my brand of corny and cheesy

-the impromtu story made up by danny and amorpho to explain stuff to the fentons. my god they are both such bad liars. but amorpho is a good egg. wish danny wouldnt have said he didnt wanna see him in town again!! I want him to be reoccurring. not that thats gonna matter since I'm almost done with the series, but the idea of this being the Only Time We See him is :(

-NEXT EP SAYS STARRING MARK HAMILL??????!!! hello ! mr . joker....mr. star wars.... I feel like I should be. idk. taking off a hat im not wearing in respect. I shouldnt be surprised tho bc hes in a lot of cartoons as a very good voice actor, and dp has already had a lot of talented ones so I've been looking out for ones I might know, but....mr. hamill....

-sam has her own greenhouse, names all the plants, and says thank you to them (in the languages from where the plants are from) whenever she harvests from them. thats SO cute. and her lil gothy lunch box...

-and danny's lil red fuzzy lined jacket!!! ive said it before but every time the characters get alt outfits im like :D

-danny has ice powers now!!! THATS WHAT FROSTBITE MEANT. HE KNEW SOMEHOW WAY BACK THEN

-THIS SHOW NEVER LETS YOU FORGET VLAD IS A BILLIONAIRE, HUH.

-danny's lil 'holy hibiscus!' first off the 50s batman swearing is hilarious. 2nd. my username is from the flower sanchoyo hibiscus, so, shoutout to ME this ep. hi :)

-EURGH UNDERGROWTH MAKING EVERYONE PLANT ZOMBIES. HIVEMIND PLOTS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. and this dude made the city SO overtaken so quickly like how long was danny asleep?? oh god

-evil fucked up sam! now the whole trio has gone evil at some point! the voice actress did a really, really good job with making her sound like a zombie...

-frostbite's paws are so so so big compared to danny. oh my god. i want to hug the snow dog...

-the far frozen has an advanced medical stuff!!! very cool. very smart snow dogs

-im so glad danny has a friendly ghost snow dad to explain this new power and teach him!!! this is so sweet. DANNY'S GHOST SENSE WAS A PART OF HIS ICE POWER?? OOOH. COOL. we love a training montage!!!

-danny saying if he cant defeat overgrowth, that he'd want to stay with frostbite...oh my god...do you think this is the first real supportive adult figure in his life (I am NOT counting his parents because they threaten him on the daily even if they dont realize it.) I mean mr lancer is a Teacher, but he was also nice but this is different, but this is a GHOST WHO IS WILLING TO HELP HIM with his powers and also will help him when hes injured and is so so nice and comparatively so much more mature than 90% of the adults in this show!!!! god. dad frostbite is my everything.

-the framing and lighting this episode, and all the angles...they went all OUT and it looks really really good. this is my nightmare scenario, tho. like, FUCK zombies and dead city zones and hivemind shit. and using the humans as 'nutrients for the children' i am going to THROW UP.

-MALEFICENT VIBES WITH THE HORNS AND GREEN EYES! this costume kicks so much ass. sam is now mark hamills daughter, I guess.

-danny's ice powers making his eyes blue!!! thats neat. and him going for the roots underground was SO SMART. i will not stand for danny ever thinking hes stupid, hes SO smart.

almost done with the show... :"( thats a sad thought!!!

#sanchoyorambles #dp thoughts #danny phantom

[enchongmio]

Noah to my Allie .

The Notebook.

That movie soo reminded me of You and how crazy the ride was, i had with you.

We would be too extreme Remember those fights in the car ? Looking back i dont know how embarrassing it was but boy how you just didn't care.

Few ones i vividly remember ...

that fight in glorietta we were in the car and fighting. I couldnt bear fighting and everyone is looking and told u to stop as ur car is not tinted and its so embarrassing. U exclaimed " ah nakakahiya ok we go somewhere no one can see us. .. started the car and i didnt know how fast the car went. I was sooo scared as i felt like the car would fall off skyway. But i didn't wanna show u i was scared. I pretended to be cool and didn't care.

We ended up in Laguna, where it was so dark .. i think that place now is where Nuvali is. You got off the car, u beg to talk and all the drama begins. That was such a scary time. I felt so scared of you yet i know i can't still let u go.

Another one was when we're in El Pueblo i honestly forgot what went wrong and i again was pissed. We were waiting for a slot to park and fighting at the same time. When out of nowhere u got off the car... went on my side of the car ,opened my door and went down on your knees." Oh my gosh! E--- What are you doing????? Theres sooo many people looking at us!!!!"

Its was a gimik night and sooo many people are there that night.

The intensity of that so called relationship is through the roof.

If there is one word i can think of that best describe what i had with u , it had to be the Most PASSIONATE relationship ive ever had.

Just like Allie and Noah.

When were not intensely fighting, we were just inseparable. Our bodies are just glued to each other.

May it be just queueing in Mcdo to order.. we'll be all over each other. U loved giving me back hug ,kissing my forehead, and jst caressing each other. I would always wrap my arms around your waist inside ur jacket and ul feel insecure and say " ang payat ko no? "

When we go to bars like that one time in Venezia, we went alone and couldn't get off each other..kissing and just all over each other. First time i was ever like that with someone , PDA is an understatement.

One guy who knows the x saw us apparently and told him i was cheating with u. They didnt know i was not with that guy anymore.

I never knew i could be this girl who lives in her own bubble with someone. I became reckless and just don't wanna be bothered, all i know is that iam in a secure place with you and Iam savoring every moment as it was too precious for me.. maybe in my head i also know this cant be and this needs to end somehow.

Understandably i know why people reacted how they did because this is not the person iam.

Iam prude, so conservative and would always think about how people would think. But all of that persona changed when i was with you. U brought out that side of me that no other guy at that time did. We would melt in each others gaze and you made my inhibitions flew out the door. My few friends saw how i changed and they're loving this new version of me but why with him they ask? I dont know , i felt the warmth and I liked it.

I know this is the person other guys ive dated wanted to see in me, i was tough and shy and i hesitate. Maybe because with another person i grew up with him so there's full of expectation, we were tagged as the ideal couple and the super kulit fun couple everyone wants to hang out with.. we clicked coz we make each other laugh.we got along so fine.

But there was something missing as a girl, i got tired of being in charge all the time. I want someone who would plan things out for me, i want to be treated as a lady.. And thank you for making me feel as one.

You complimented my every move, even my smirk, everything. With u i was confident and secured and that's what i was looking for.

One conversation i had with my ex after you and i parted and i got back with him, i asked if theres one person who he was jealous of, who would it be? He answered ,its E! And shocked as i can be, i asked what? Why??? Why him? He said because i described what we had was my most passionate relationship ever. But i never gave details. Never talked about how we were as i wanted to move past that phase in my life and pretend ours was nothing special.But hey guess what, maybe there are some things u just can't hide..Maybe his instinct tells him otherwise.

Some would say you cannot live with love and passion alone.. true that! But still im glad i experienced it , the feeling i had during those times surely i will bring to my grave.

It was short , complicated, dramatic but mind-blowing intense and passionate.

Roller-coaster ride of emotions indeed.

[ceuell]

what happened. 

i’ve been wanting to write but i just cant bring whatever i want to say into words. it has been one-kind of a ride for the year twenty-twenty. i thought i’ve gone passed through what i used to experience before. having the people around me for the past ten years or so, i didnt know what to do with all the lockdowns and such. i realized how big they played a part in diverting and preventing me to go to the edge of the cliff.

i felt empty. uncertain if decisions i made were for the good. i made the choice to walk away and stop trying because it wasnt worth it anymore - or so i thought. i set aside the feeling of emptiness, regrets and sadness as i made the decision, expecting myself to be strong enough. of course, it took a toll on me eventually.

the pessimistic and skeptical twelve-yrs old euell found herself once again at the age of twenty. the only difference this time was it was worst than before. my thoughts were eating me up and i have to pretend like it wasnt because ‘im old enough to bare this’ . being at home was one factor - i felt trapped. going out was one of my coping mechanism when everything is getting overwhelming. but i couldnt do it due do the current situation of the world. i know i’d lost it if i cant find another way to pour out whatever it is. talking was difficult. as much as i want to share it to close friends, i felt that it is invalid as everyone is going through tough time. i was just ... pathetic. 

i lost interest in everything. i tried so many different things to try to find another coping mechanism but nothing was helping. eventually, whatever was happening with me showed through my actions. sleepless nights. unmotivated. isolation. sleeeeeeeeping way too much. not eating. over eating. roller coaster of emotions. i was also taking pills which i guess made the matter worst(?). i was so tired. i really didnt want to continue. 

as if it wasnt enough, people who i thought i’d be able to keep was...removed? i dont know if thats the word. lockdowns prevented me to meet people who i really treasure. after a long time, being able to meet them once again, i was really happy. but as i grew older, i realize we choose the path we want. with that comes the people as well. i realize people who i want to keep were not on that same page anymore. they too made their own choices. and with the choices they made, i wasnt really comfortable. 

its easy to say ‘enough’ but the aftermath of it - i didnt know it was gonna be that tough. losing people before the year started then comes another one at the start of the year - i wasnt expecting to lose more during a freaking pandemic. but maybe thats just how it is. the amount of whys i had. 

losing it. it was pitch black. i knew i was crying. angry - i wasnt able to keep it to myself and solve it. scared - of how people around me would react to know what happened. worried - i didnt want my parents to see what really is my condition because i know it would affect them as well. 

but i felt a little better opening up. im thankful for my family and friends who came over. i had an awful thought of ‘i look weak to them now’. but they assured me that im not. that they are available and always there for me. that i’ll get through it. 

there will still be times where i’d lose to my thoughts and would choose to shut down. im thankful for those who understands. i just hope it wont happen again this year. that i’d be able to get this straight again. 

thankful to be alive after twenty-twenty.

[somethingisnewunderthesun]

Swift

You could of loved me all my life if I hadn't left you waiting in the cold, I can tell you that Im sorry but you wont believe me baby like you did before.

The stakes were high, the water was rough. But That Love was Ours.

All this time, I never learned to read your mind, I couldn't turn things around, you never gave a warning sign/ you gave sooo many signs.

Ill take your hand and drag you head first, fearless. 

Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving? I think you and I should stay the same.

And I flashback to when we said, Forever & Always.

This is where the feeling sinks in, I dont wanna miss you like this. Come back. Be here. Come Back. Be Here.

You took the time to memorize me, my fears, my hopes and dreams. All those times you didnt leave its been occurring to Id like to hang out with you, for my whole life. I think that its best if we both Stay.

This is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying Im sorry for that night. Turns out freedom aint nothing but missing you, wishing i realized what I had when you were mine. If we loved again I swear id love you right. Id go back in time and change it but I cant, so if the chain is on your door, I understand.

Tell myself Its time now, gotta let go, but moving on from her is impossible when I still see it all in my head, Burning Red. Losing her was Blue like I’ve never known. Missing her was Dark Gray all alone. Forgetting her was like trying to know somebody you never met. But loving her was Red.

She cant see the smile Im faking, and my hearts not breaking, cause im not feeling anything at all. And you were wild and crazy, just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated. Got away by some mistake and now. I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, Its 2am and Im cursing your name, Im so in love that I acted Insane, and thats the way I loved you. Breaking Down and coming undone its a roller coaster kinda rush.

Your sick & tired of my attitude, your feeling like you don’t know me, I tell you that I love you then cut you down. And you need me like a heartbeat, but you know I got a meanstreak, makes you run for cover when I’m around. And hears to me and my temper. You knew that you saw what I was doing to you. Ill tell you why. (Cause I was a fucking clown.)  I could write a book on, how to ruin someone perfect.

Simple complication, miscommunication leads to fall out. Ive never heard silence quite this loud. The story of us looks alot like a tragedy now.

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you Breathe. Hope Its nice where you are. And I hope the sun shines, and its a beautiful day, and something reminds you youd wished you had stayed. You can plan for a change in the weather and time, but I never planned on you changing your mind.

Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone. I Love You and thats all I really know. Ill be the price, and you be the princess. Its a Love story baby just say yes.

And Time, is taking its sweet time erasing you. Cause we had, a beautiful, magic love there. What a sad, beautiful, tragic, love affair. Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting, silence, the train runs off its tracks. Kiss me, try to fix it. Could you just try to listen?? Hang up, give up. For the Life of us we cant get back.

All i am is mean, and a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life, and mean, and mean , and mean, and mean. Ill im ever gonna be is mean. 

Cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

3 years gone and Im still reaching even though I know you’re not there. I was playing back a thousand memories baby, thinking bout everything we’ve been through. Maybe ive been going back too much lately when time stood still, and I had you. I flashback to the night when you said you said to me nothings gonna change, not for me & you. Not before I knew how much I had to lose. If your out there, if your somewhere, if your moving on, Ive been waiting for you ever since youve been gone. I just want it back to the way it was before, and I just wanna see you back at my front door. I know that we could work it out somehow, but if this was a movie youd be here by now.

You were a dreamer before I ever let you down. Now here I am on my knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for you. Just like you always wanted. Cause your not my princess. Your gonna find someone someday that might actually treat you well, and its to late for me and my white horse to catch you now.

But we were something dont you think so, and if my wishes came true, it would of been you, persist and resit the temptation to ask you if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? And it would of been sweet, if it coulda been me. But it woulda been fun, if you woulda been the one.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe you asked for too much, and maybe this thing was a masterpiece before I tore it all up, but I keep your old hoodie from that very 1st week, cause it reminds me of innocence, and it smells like you. Cause there we are again when I loved you so, back before I lost the one real thing Ive ever known, wind in your hair, i was there i remember it all, down the stairs I was there, I remember it all, It was rare, I was there, I remember it All to well. 

He’ll never know your story like I do. Im dreaming bout the day when you wake up and find that what your looking for has been here the whole time. You say your fine, know you better than that, hey what cha doing with a boy like that?      Cant you see that Im the one who understands you, been here all along so why cant you see, you belong with me.

[slut-for-fandoms]

Paint me yours (kth x reader) PART 1

Pairings: Artist!Taehyung x reader

Genre: smut, fluff, angst (in the following chapters) 

Summary:  You are an art college student who struggles with finances. Until one day, on an exhibition of the arising artist Kim Taehyung, when the same boy offers you a job as his model. Would it be just a simple job or would it complicate your life in ways you have never thought it would?

Warnings: none in this one (perhaps my bad writing and lots of mistakes?) 

A/N: So here is the first chapter. I really don’t know what to think about it as i haven’t written anything in more than a year (so sorry guys but now I am back, yey) I really do hope you like it and please let me know what you think and whether you would like to be tagged in the series ♥ Enjoy 

Euphoria. Excitement. Happiness. Exaltation. A complete symphony of colors and emotions. Blue, purple, violet, azure - blended in such a way that glues you to the masterpiece. At places it seems unfinished, raw, as though the creator has been in a hurry. But at the same time it is so detailed that you wonder how long it took him to create it. It represents a woman, or to be more precise, a young girl. Long hair composed with ochre, amber, honey and a hint of gold, covers half of her pale face. Her lips are the perfect combination of red, cheery, wine and auburn. An orderly chaos of colors.

While everything seems just as raw painting, the most capturing features are the eyes. They are so detailed and express the condition of the girl. The sparks that make her look tangible grabs you on a roller coaster of thoughts and feelings and somehow makes you even experience the same state.  I move to the next painting.

Sadness. Affliction. Pain. Torment. The contrast between the used shades is much deeper. Pale yet dark. The more I look at it, the more it captivates me. All of the creations I saw were beyond amazing, complete masterpieces but this one… This one is different. One look and I got this strange feeling in my guts when we anticipate something bad, something that might hurt us.

The background is composed of dark shades, while the girl is sculpted of the pale range of colors. Again, the most detailed parts are the eyes. You get the feeling as if a soul was trapped inside the drawn girl that shows how much she suffers. The more you contemplate, the more you assume that the darkness around her represents the cruel world, while the bright yet shaded colors shows how fragile and broken she is. Is it from the world? What destroyed her? Who made her look like a shattered vase which parts are no longer going to form its beautiful shape?

Holding my glass of champagne I took some steps back and sat on the settee opposite the painting. Thanks god it wasn’t that low as they use to be in other galleries. I crossed my legs which caused the hem of my black dress to roll up slightly. As an art student, I tend to visit many exhibitions in order to get inspiration, gain knowledge of the new and unorthodox styles and improve mine. I can’t say I am complaining as we are given free access to any kind of such events. This is beyond amazing as now I am contemplating the art of one of the rising artists – Kim Taehyung. Honestly, I have never seen him but the critics consider him the new Van Gogh and now I understand why.

When I came I was so uneven about it, all the people here were rich and classy and I, a broken student with a cheap dress borrowed from her friend, had no place here. Everything was out of my league and I felt like garbage disfiguring this place.

“You seem really immersed into the picture.”, someone chucked, bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked up and saw man in golden suit and two glasses of champagne in his hands. His smile was so bright, genuine, that it made me blush slightly, “May I?”, he titled his head towards the settee as if asking if it was free.

“Ye- yeah, of course”, I stuttered and put a lock of fallen hair behind my ear.

His smile grew bigger and he took the free seat next to me.

“Here.”, he gave me one of the glasses. I looked up at him confused, “I saw that you have already finished yours so…”, I looked at my glass which was empty. I might have stayed there for a way longer time that I have thought. I left the glass on the floor next to the settee.

“Thank you.”, I gave him a smile, although inside I was feeling embarrassed, “Very fond of you.”, I said after taking the offered glass.

“Well, I just wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I have left such a beautiful lady sitting here by her side. The champagne was just an excuse to approach you.”, I bit my lip and tried to hide myself due to the blush that crept on my face.

“You are even more appealing when blushing.”, okay, I have never believed I could become so red but here I am.

“Please, stop.”, I stuttered through the smile that just grew bigger on my face.

“Why?”, he tilted his head and asked me with that sweet smirk still placed on his face, his eyes never leaving my figure, “you don’t like honest people?”, as a response I chuckled and tried to gain my dignity and look at him. Why was I such a blushing mess around this… stranger…a handsome stranger?

“It is just that you are the first one to approach me this evening.”, a slight feeling of sadness made my stomach turn as I recall the events, pardon, the lack of them from this night. I started playing with my hands as something as pity overwhelmed me.

“Well-”, his deep baritone voice made me look at him. This time he was facing the painting in front of us which gave me the opportunity to survey him. Soft pink lips, sweet roundy nose, medium long light eyelashes. Skin in the color of bronze and a golden suit that make him look like a god. Aristocratic hands with long fingers, adorned with rings. The way he is holding the glass gives you the thoughts that a prince is sitting oppose you, “It is their lose.”, he states after locking his eyes with mine. And then I’m completely lost. They are just like the sad girls’ in the paintings – full of emotions. I see the same spark that leads directly to his soul. It captivates you. There is love, care, tenderness that make my heart skips a beat. But also you can spot something wild and intriguing. An abyss of feelings kept locked deep inside.

He took a sip of his champagne which caught my attention and made me break the eye contact. How could such a simple action as drinking makes me wanna grab the brushes and paint this gorgeous creature on the canvas?

“I can’t say I am complaining of that.”, I followed his movements and took a taste of my drink, “They seem like they are here only for talking. All of them are just chit-chatting and just at times spare a glance at the paintings. It – It just looks like a gathering of the rich and bitchy class.”, suddenly he burst into laughing. Oh that sound… It was like a soft melody for my years I could listen to all day. It was so infectious and addicting.

“What?”, I asked confused but with a smile plastered on my face.

“I couldn’t have said it more correctly. I’ve met everybody in the gallery and yet you are the only one contemplating the works.”

“Isn’t that what we are supposed to do on an exhibition? But apart from that, these paintings, these masterpieces…”, I took a breath like looking at the sad girl opposite me, “they are captivating. There is life in them, there is soul. Undoubtedly the artist is one of the best I’ve ever come across. Many have the ability to draw, few have the talent to create a masterpiece, something that makes you stop and think. And these here, they indeed convey more than a hundred words.”

“And where do you think that comes from?”, he asks me in that deep voice of his. I turn my attention back on him to see the man already looking at me with a stern expression showing nothing.

“The ability to make a painting live?”, he nodded his head in agreement, “Pain.”

“Pain?”

“Pain. It is always the pain. Why do you think the greatest artists are those who have suffered the most?  Sadness, sorrow, ache, agony… they are different than the other feelings. When something good happens to you, you are happy for a short moment. Usually those moments tends to be forgotten way easier than the moments that our soul was in pain. It is just that the affliction we bottle inside us ruins us in the end. The knots in our stomach, the suffocating feeling in our chest… they are tormenting us and we all need a way to express them somehow, to try to get them out of us. And the answer is always the art. It doesn’t matter whether it would be with a brush or a pen in our hands, if we are going to compose a poem, song or just draw something.  We just want the pain away. For its tight fist around our hearts to weaken, for its dark thoughts to leave us at peace at night, for the tears to stop rolling down and choke us.”, I paused in order to take a sip of my champagne, feeling his eyes following my movements, “That is one of the reasons why I like this one so much.”, I continued pointing at the work before us, “It look as if not only the model had been sad, but also the artist.”, when I turned around he had a sad smile on his face. For a moment I saw the abyss – full of sorrow and regret, pain and affliction.

“You can’t be more right.”, and once again, as he looked up, the door to his soul closed with that stern expression, “That is why I don’t know whether I like this work or not.”

“It recalls a bad event?”

“It recalls the day I painted her.”

My eyes were so wide that surely they were going to pop out of my head. I opened my mouth, then close it, then opened it again. I was so shocked that I could say nothing.

“I still remember how heartbroken she was.”

“You- you are the artist?”, my voice raised an octave higher and I cursed myself.

“Surprised?”, he asked smiling at my shocked expression.

“You just caught me off guard.”

And then the rest of the night kind of slips my mind. I don’t really know how long we’d been talking through various topics. Whatever felt like hours had only been half an hour once I saw the watch on my hand.

“Unfortunately, as a host, I need to make a speech. It was nice to meet you -”

“(Y/N)!”, answering I took his hand as he helped me get up from the settee.

“(Y/N).”, he said tasting my name and I could not miss the way his tongue rolled and the deep voice that sent shivers down my spine, “A beautiful name for a way more gorgeous girl.”

“Why are you trying to make my blush so hard?”, I asked trying to hide my face.

“I don’t know. I just like it.”, he shrugged with a smile, “Can I ask you something, (Y/N)?”, is it just me or he just lowered his voice on purpose while saying my name.

“O-Of course.”, out of nervousness I started playing with my own hands which only made his smirk grow bigger.

“Would you like to be my model, darling?”

#bts v #bts imagines #bts x reader #bts x you #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts fanfction #taehyung #taehyung x reader #taehyung x you #taehyung imagine #taehyung imagines #taehyung smut #kim taehyung x reader #kim taehyung imagines #taehyung fanfic #bts fluff #taehyung angst #bts reactions #taehyung reaction

[pineyyyy]

2018.

A year of roller coasters. Taught me a lot. I would say that this year was not my year. Ive been through a lot. Started with few months after finishing my spm, got my license for both motorcycle and car after few months struggling at that one hell place that I hated so much yet Im still that coward dumbass to drive the car. Everyone knows that. Sometimes I wish I did not have that anxiety when driving but idk...... I think I had great time relaxing and not doing anything after my spm. And not forgetting, my highschool friends made it super fun when we spent time together. But i am still that one useless daughter at home. Im sorry for being one, for not cooking eventhough all i ever did was scrolling through the social media. Got a job but refused to go because i thought that this was the only time i got to spend with my parents because im leaving home real soon. Got my spm results, 6As 5Bs.. everyone was hoping for more including me.... but that was just not my rezeki. I felt all my dreams were destroyed the moment i got that result but alhamdulillah got so many offers that i applied for. Upm asper, matrics science, kmku sc, dip acc kpm beranang, interview for cat-acca. I was in dilemma which one should i go for. Lastly...... my heart actually wanted kmku so bad because i wanted to drop physics bcd im suck in it, upm was a good idea too i think both of my parents would want me to go there but since my dream was to become a dentist, I rejected all and chose matriculation that was never in my list after all. Plus matric was the only way for me to make a comeback. Last minute decision got me to do everything in just one day and I went there... It was fun because you still got your highschool friends but no longer until today.... First impression of my classmates were boring.I was not being myself. I love to laugh and make silly jokes but that class was just lame. We just dont have chemistry. Alhamdulillah survived semester 1 but it was really really damn hard. I kept on feeling sick,homesick,loser in class and many more negative feelings. One of my dreams was to enter any abroad school but thanks i just wanna stay at home from now on. Final exams were damn difficult and i was just hoping to pass. Got my muet results and final results on the same day. Deep in my heart, i hoped this time is my rezeki eventhough I could not do well in exams but then I forgot Allah only helped those who helped themselves at the first place. Yes i studied my all my efforts were last-minute-efforts. And the outcome was band 4 for muet and 3.17 only for final exam. It was my fault after all. I know i have to say goodbye to all my DREAMS, dentistry jordan wadi mujib wadi hidan JUST dead sea, thank you for coming into my life. If Allah wills it, we will meet one fine day. My time of study in matriculation was the toughest i would say. I had hard time trying to understand because idk what was wrong with me why cant i received all the ilmus why is it so hard for me to understand i felt like i am the stupidest ever in class. Sometimes I wish Allah shows me what i actually did wrong... So i can improve myself. I know my parents were disappointed eventhough they kept on supporting me to do better in the future. Semester 2 was okay.... my classmates had improved a little bit but not the same like it used to be during my highschool year. they were still boring. I met a lot of new people with weird behaviours that sometimes i felt so annoyed. They tend to point out my physical appearance, my flaws and kept on trying to underestimate me and make me down. Plus boring too. Did not match my attitude that sometimes i wanna have some fun. But its okay as long as they did not influence me to do something bad then it would be fine. As time passed by, I realized my highschool friends were getting apart. Everyone had new friends. I dont mind but this one best friend of mine was not there when i needed her and only came to me when she had something to ask regarding maths and when i have food.i guess thats just life. People change. Maybe i was the one whos toxic.

[tohavefaithistofindwings]

Time to be brutally honest and just throw feelings out to the internet. That’s the healthy way to cope right? Oh well. 

Here I am. Alive still. Two years after the car accident. I’m still angry. I’m still in pain. I’m still discovering new issues from that night. I’m still recovering. 

Along with all the other issues that were caused like broken bones, we discovered this past year that my spine took a lot of trauma. *shock* 

I have been in varying levels of extreme chronic pain for the past 11 months. And varying levels since the accident so about 2 years. The latter being expected to a certain extent. Being in extreme pain that limits my mobility while planning a wedding, while getting married, while going on my honeymoon, while working on shows non stop in between. Not great for morale as you can probably guess. 

Basically, I have in simple terms is early spinal degeneration. Because of the damage done, my lower back is kind of giving up. 3 out of 5 lumbar discs are herniated or torn or both. and several have started to develop bone spurs. It took almost 3 months after my pain got extremely bad for doctors to give me that diagnosis. But even then they sugar coated it. I’ve seen a surgeon and he wants to fuse my spine to prevent further damage to my nerves and back in general. I’m waiting on a second opinion before we pursue that option.

I’m scared to pursue the surgery. What would that mean for my future? I’m 25. I’m too young to be dealing with my body breaking down. No one can even promise that this will resolve my pain or make it better. They can just promise a reduction of pain after I heal. Plus they are operating on my spine. MY SPINE. They are directly working around the nerves that let me walk and move and go to the bathroom on my own. Yeah. That’s a symptom I have to be watching for. If I lose control of my bowels I have to go to the ER immediately. TMI? Maybe. Its not really something I want to be thinking about when I have to use the bathroom. 

Doing the surgery would mean I’d be out of normal life for 4 months. 4 months of not working, of not doing shows, of not pursuing things I want to be doing. And after that I don’t know what I’ll be able to do. I have a lot of things I cant do. Like go on roller coasters. Which is a silly one to be sad about but still its something. I feel like I am just starting to get my life back from the last time. I’m getting booked for shows. I’m somewhat satisfied in my day job. I’m scared what it means for my future if I’m gone for 4 months again. I don’t know how I’ll be after the surgery. The doctor says he’s had firemen go back to work afterwards but they don’t have the other damage I do. And there are so many risks. So many risks. 

My therapist asked me if I was ready for the surgery. And I said I dont know. She said that there is more than just my body to consider right now. She says I need to be emotionally/mentally ready for the surgery. I dont know if I can ever get to that point though? I’m so risk adverse I don’t know if I can do it if I play by those rules.  Mentally, I’m not even over the accident. I thought I was getting better. But I keep having flashbacks of  that night. They are so vivid and real. I’m living it over and over again. I can see the headlights coming at me. I can hear myself saying “no no no” and the TripleA agent asking what is wrong. I remember waking up sprawled into the passenger seat. Everything hurt. I had no idea where I was. I remember struggling to sit up in my seat. It was so hard, my body felt heavy. I remember feeling the rain and someone asking if I was ok and struggling to reply. I remember touching my face and it was wet. The dashboard of my car was splattered with blood. I was so alone. People were standing outside of the car in front of it. I could see them through my front windshield. I remember screaming blurred words to them. Help. Help me please. please. I felt so utterly alone. Somewhere in all of this, I grabbed my phone and the wallet I had open in the passenger seat from trying to call the tow truck. I closed my eyes and just waited. I couldnt move. I didnt know why. I remember the first responders cutting me out of the car and asking if I could walk. I said a garbled I dont know. They pulled me out and i took one step and almost fell. The pain was too much something was wrong. They carried me to the stretcher just a few steps away. They strapped me into it. The rain was falling harder. I was soaking wet by now. They hooked the stretcher into the ambulance and it hurt so much as they shoved me in and got it latched safely. They tried asking me questions. I tried talking but everything was so garbled, I guess they couldnt hear me. They assigned me a trauma name. Georgia. All I can think about is the pain in my leg. I was shouting. My leg. My leg. They helped lift it up under a pillow. Its only slightly better. I remember them cutting off my clothes. I had just gotten new black jeans and I was wearing a brand new flannel that I loved. I asked them to not cut my flannel and they tried as best they can to help me out of it. Little did I know it was already ruined from the blood and from the car. When they cut me out of the car, it had gotten in the way. It was silly that I cared so much about a flannel shirt, shock can do that to you. I remember very little from the ride. I was in and out of consciousness apparently. I remember at one point hearing the EMTs laughing and I couldnt say anything. I dont know what they were laughing about, but I just remember that sound. My brain makes me think they were laughing about me, but I so hope I am wrong. The pain was worse getting pulled from the ambulance into the ER. The jarring slams of the stretcher coming out then down out of the bus. I remember a doctor asking me questions. She had a kind face. They put me under so I remember very little in the ER. I remember waking up at one point getting put into a CT machine then I was out again. I remember hearing doctors talking in the room. And talking about my scans or X-Rays. Who knows? I woke up again to my mother and Annie talking in the room somewhere. When I tried to call out to them, they came over. Then asking how I was etc. I was covered in bruises. I literally had a list of things that were wrong. My mom took photos of my face and my body so I could see since I couldnt move. The doctor told me I would need surgery the next day. Then when I complained of more pain, they discovered another thing to add to the list and scheduled another surgery. 

That night and those days are seared into my brain. The photos of my car the next day. My brother telling me of the blood covering the inside of my car turned brown while drying. I found out later on that the TripleA agent that was on the phone with me called back, multiple times and left worried voicemails. I had at least 7 from them. From what I understand, they are the reason 911 got to me so quickly. 

I’m sorry if this is all too graphic or whatever. I just need to put it down in some form. I hope that writing it out it stops pushing to the front of my brain. The smallest things trigger me right now. Some have nothing to do with cars or the accident. 

Its been 2 years. I’m still recovering. I celebrated a small personal victory the other day. I was able to take the stairs two at a time without needing a handrail and minimal pain. I wasn’t running or anything. Just casually walking up. It was exicting but no one really understands why. Its just normal for them. Its something I’ve not been able to do for so long. This pending surgery makes me scared for what other things am I going to be losing, forever or even just for a very long time. Is it going to effect my progress in the other things? 

I just want to move on. I want to leave it in the past. The scars are there, can the trauma just stop now? I’m so tired. I’m so tired of being “strong”. I’m ready to be done. I’m so done with all of this. 

#personal #tw: blood #tw: car accident #tw: depression #its been 2 years #2nd anniversary of not dying #woo. #you dont have to read this #just putting it somewhere safe

[dystorian]

a roller coaster doesnt begin to describe

the feelings i have each day im alive

willing to hide but gets harder the more i try

i wish the things i said were understandable

the words in which i cry out to you

desperately wanting to be heard im not crazy

i just have all these things i think, these things that i think daily

they all build up inside of me and pulling myself together requires time

because of this annoying part of mine

that thinks and thinks nonstop

why are they hurting me why dont they care

i care so much love so much until my heart stops

beating so lovingly at the slight of your tone

seemingly changing me instantly as your words creep through my bones and seep into my heart muscles

i care so much for you so much the thought of others interrupting us two on a decent tuesday afternoon

makes me wish i had abandoned you

and then i wish that i had died way back in middle school

sitting in my bathroom

asking god why i couldnt push the razor through

my 13 year old arm who had already caused so much harm to others and myself i really hated you

that part goes to my mom who fucked my life up second generation of her trauma

i despise being unable to

form relationships that last because of everyone in the past that left me in turn because they left you everything you went through i had to go through

and this disease that rots my brain and weed addiction different strain every day all from the hands of who?

it used to make me cringe to mention how my attention is never off this shit but its starting to make me stupid and useless and a new addition is pain let me explain it

i smoke so much daily that sometimes i cant get up and leave my room because i cant walk or move without my ears ringing and and i need to

find somewhere to lay or sit down to escape the sound and drowsiness thats profoundly taking a toll on me

but

its like who can i be mad at? its not all her fault. like i said her mom was a bitch and for her hurt shes at fault. do i blame my grandmother? maybe her mother too? or do i blame the world? if so who can i give my blame to. because carrying it makes my back hurt and im ready to let it go. to others its invisible and all they hear is my pitiful excuses for anger but its a mountain of a terrible outcome of nurture and nature. that i carry on my back and since thats what i lack i need it all from my friends because its something i dont get so when its tainted i cant help but say shit i dont mean because i cant fathom the thought of someone that i love who doesnt love me. breathing even for a second i cant help but not get it. it was just me and mom everyday of my life everyone else left so true love should suffice, right?.. and if you love me and i love you why do we need anyone else is my love not enough i dont MEAN to fight. its not in spite is what im saying im not overreacting everytime you leave me or discard me like im nothing its just years of trusting others with my heart before i knew what love was and getting it ripped out and torn apart. stomped on not even just in my childhood but to this day gone. everyone is gone. theyll be gone for you too. all of you. i never leave any individual because my heart would break directly in two. you tend to love people so much when nobody in the past could ever stay long enough to love you. its like ive grown a second heart that beats normally so that i can hold the one that works half heartedly and give the other away to people who at first shower me with affection and undoubtedly love spending all their time with me proudly until it all wears off and they start to see this broken part of me and as their pedestal raises above my body and im discovered to be a problem i scratch the the block of stone as i try to climb up and be by them i fall right back to the bottom. lying on the cold floor. is my heart deceiving me or am i really dying it feels like im dying. i lay there in silence. waiting for them to step down and sit beside me. at first it feels like ive ascended to heaven when i find out they havent left and

then it feels like vomit.

my appetite decreases and im in no mood for eating. this feeling is caused by me though. i made them leave i told them to go. i ruined it all. this is a cycle thats repeated and im sick of this fucking bullshit reason that i have and give as an excuse but its not a bullshit reason. its just something others cant understand and they leave with my heart beating. because the second one i grew as a child so blue works just fine so its mine that'll take the time. and the sleepless nights crying. they always say itll get better and ill get over it but what did i just rhyme to you? just a few lines ago. for me to love someone new i give away my heart that grew i might have lied when i said just two. they grow for you for every girl for every boy i befriend they do. and as the time i spend with them starts lacking i grow another while theyre packing their bags but it takes forever to grow it back. and if i cant find someone to share it with it starts to grow and poke my ribs. i cant bare it. it doesnt matter how bad im treated just take my spare heart its interally bleeding all inside of me. leaking from my eyes disguised as tears flowing down my cheek. this stupid useless heart of mine does nothing but make me weak upon a lot of a other things all of them undeniably agonizing for me.

#poem003 #(\-.\/ #it may have turned into a vent #but it still rhymes #for the most part #will i cringe later? #i might #me on the ted talks youtube channel

[ultra-deepestbouquet]

5/6/2021

Im pretty proud I was not caught up in cinco de mayo stupid stuff. Its only a white people thing now anyway. Fucking Joke.

I am feeling like I want to get my own personal things done today and wow its been an emotional roller coaster. Fucking tax reality and trying to remember past accidents where I was at fault. Oh yea I hit Justin's car slightly. Hahahaha he deserved it.

I've been annoyed all day as usual. I don't want to see anyone or do anything today. My feelings are building up for Joel and he is the one that I am angry with. Why? because I want him to do more for me. Yes I really do. Plan shit. and give me more reassurance. But then I was thinking about leaving my place and how sad I got. I know I am not ready now... who knows when. Its a weird feeling because I want the whole shindig so bad but then I get scared. I told my therapist yesterday fuck joel if he doesnt want to be with me. I am a catch and getting better everyday.

He redeemed himself lately by showing up and getting us Fischer tickets. About time. But am I jealous of leah? No. but I am wishing Joel would say lets go a resort randomly? Yes. I am feeling bratty and weird and who knows what I need to do. I am never happy, something always has to be wrong and that is not normal I guess.

Maybe I am projecting a bit and being unfair with why I am angry with him. Leah's entire situation pisses me off so much and that itself really really upsets me. I cant let it go but I am gonna have to.

I feel like I cant even complain to Joel because he wont understand. He will think I am an ungrateful brat or something. He does so much for me, and he doesnt need constant reassurance like I do, and he probably wants to get away from that behavior. But this is me. I dont get it. We are good everywhere else. Like honestly what would I say to him? Hey? So Im angry cuz I want you to do better? Support me when I need it? give me more reassurance? its gonna eat me up.